#because the elephant in the room is that he treated her sister like shit

[ncfan-1]

I have pondered a long time the question of just what it is that makes both Sol and Qimir both immediately want Osha upon seeing her, whereas Mae is discarded the moment Osha comes into focus. I think I have finally hit upon an answer, one I’ve hesitated to share because I was afraid people would think I was saying it to slight Osha when I’m not, but here it is. I think the answer lies in Osha’s willingness to assimilate, versus Mae’s unwillingness to assimilate.

What is it that makes Sol recoil from Mae on the night of the Ascension, and narrow his focus to be concerned only for Osha’s well-being, even though, if he really does consider the coven to be as sinister as he seems to, he ought to still think that both of these girls could be in danger? It’s when he sees the mark on Mae’s forehead that she has received as consequence of having undergone the Ascension, the physical marker of her belonging with her coven and her unwillingness to assimilate to the dominant paradigm of Force-wielding in the galaxy. He says of her that she “has been marked by dark magic,” and his attitude very much seems to be that she was tainted by this dark magic. He immediately concludes that the marked sister is safe with her family while the unmarked sister is not, even though he has no idea to what end Mae was marked, and Osha wasn’t.

It is Mae, all of eight years old, and not Osha, who is put on the spot about her marginalized culture by a pair of adult outsiders with “notions”, without one of the adults of her own community present. Mae is allowed to lie her way through her cognitive test unchallenged. Sol and Indara both know that Mae is lying during that test—Sol saw her using the Force twice; he knows perfectly well that she’s Force-sensitive—but Sol never encourages her to tell the truth, never shows any real, deep concern for her well-being, even though Mae takes the test first, even though it’s Mae’s behavior and not Osha’s that first tips him off that the twins have been told to lie. He’s Othered her. He’s dismissed her from the place in his heart where concern lives. It’s only after Sol thinks that he’s killed Mae that she seems to become important to him again, dwelling in the place in his heart where guilt lives, a frozen memory that he can perhaps forget had accepted a different way of life than the life he lives, a frozen memory that he can perhaps forget he did such a serious disservice to, even before he dropped her.

As for Qimir, I’ll admit, I have long held him in contempt for his “Mae was only interested in revenge,” because it exposes that Qimir never made much of an effort to get to know Mae, no matter how long he was acquainted with her. To the audience, it’s obvious that Mae wanted the companionship of her family more than she ever wanted revenge, because of her willingness to abandon her pursuit of revenge/justice against the Jedi who killed her family when she discovers that Osha, one of her family, is still alive. But let’s assume that Qimir is speaking truthfully when he assumes that Mae was only interested in revenge, and if we do, I wonder if this isn’t an expression of something else.

Qimir does not identify himself as a Sith, saying only that the Jedi would probably name him as such. But we know that there is an implied connection between him and Darth Plagueis, which most likely leaves him Sith-adjacent; the fact that he prompts Mae to recite the first line of the Sith Code in Episode 2 suggests as much. And we know that Qimir was once a Jedi. So, we have Jedi and Sith in Qimir’s background, the two ideologies that take turns as the dominant Force-wielding paradigms in the galaxy. And what is Mae, exactly?

Mae, who when she goes out to track down the Jedi who killed her family, wears clothing and armor that is as close a replication of traditional dress in her community as she seems able to approximate. Mae, who when she needs a poison to offer to Torbin, insists on using bunta, a poison native to Brendok, a poison that she used in her daily life for hunting during the winter, when she would hunt with her family. Mae, who wants to make damn sure that the Jedi she’s hunting down know who it is who’s coming after them, and why. What is Mae, exactly? Whatever tradition of Force-wielding she might currently be utilizing, she very clearly still identifies with the witches of Brendok.

The thing of it is, it’s not as though Mae hasn’t already made a huge compromise while training with Qimir, in that she was willing to accept his tutelage at all. The show doesn’t dwell on it, but electing to accept Jedi-adjacent training cannot possibly have been a decision she made lightly, or easily, whatever Qimir says about Mae having agreed to it “immediately.” To accept training in the tradition of the people who killed her family cannot possibly have been something she agreed to because she was eager for it for its own sake—she can only have agreed to it out of devotion to the family she lost, because she saw no other way to become strong enough to seek justice for them.

A huge compromise, and apparently not enough for Qimir. What’s the difference between Osha and Mae to Qimir? Qimir seems instantly fascinated with Osha. Even before Mae prepares to desert him, he seems to have almost completely lost interest in her, because Osha’s turned up. Why is that? We know that he treats Osha with honesty, whereas he has been consistently deceitful to Mae since they first met. We know that he approaches Osha with sympathy, whereas his treatment of Mae was such that she regarded him with no affection or respect, only with fear and implied resentment.

Qimir’s stated motivation is that he wants freedom from the Jedi, who say that someone like him “can’t exist.” That sure does sound familiar, doesn’t it? From Mae’s point of view, that’s exactly what happened to her and her family. Members of the dominant Force-wielding ideology in the galaxy came to her homeworld, trespassed into the home of her marginalized community, and killed her entire family, with her and her sister as the only survivors. But Qimir never made an attempt to reach out to her on the basis of this huge piece of shared ground between them. He was instead deceitful, made her fear him, and eventually wrote her off as “only being interested in revenge.”

What’s the difference between Osha and Mae to Qimir? Why does he treat Osha so differently?

Well, Osha was once a Jedi, too, like Qimir. And Qimir may regard that as far more genuine a stretch of common ground than Mae having spent sixteen years believing herself to be the sole survivor of a ideologically-motivated massacre of her people by Jedi who decided that they couldn’t exist. He can empathize with Osha’s circumstances, but finds nothing in Mae’s to empathize with. Instead, he looks at Mae, Mae who still identifies strongly with her marginalized community, and Others her just as much as Sol did. “You’re not like me, and you never will be.” He writes off her devotion to her family as simple revenge-obsession, and makes no effort to understand.

Osha is far more malleable to the dominant ideologies than Mae is, far more willing to assimilate. If The Acolyte hadn’t been cancelled, I think we would have seen her forced to reckon with her heritage eventually; the fact that she instinctively uses Force Magic when she has Qimir’s helmet on is a strong sign of that. But she is willing to leave her family and become a Jedi, and implied later to be willing to adhere to Qimir’s ideas of what a Dark Sider should be, and receives positive responses as a result. Whereas Mae refuses to assimilate more than is absolutely necessary for her own survival, identifies strongly with her marginalized community even after all of them are dead, and is left on the outside of everything as a result.

[gleefullypolin]

Initial thoughts on first watch through of Part 2

I will need to watch the season again a few more times as I was overwhelmed to be sure as a lot was going on. But my quick thoughts on storylines...

I'll start with my least favorite part. Sorry but it's the elephant in the room.

Ben.

I cannot. Every time they wasted screentime to go back to him fucking, I was like. God no, please make it stop. I mean I got it the first three times we showed it. Was it really necessary to keep harping on it. Honestly, shit or get off the pot with Ben's story. I'm bored and I don't know where they are going with this. I'm disinterested now.

Fran/John

This got better for me in the back half than the first half. I took no interest in them in the first 4 episodes. it was a snooze fest and while I would not watch a full season of them, they were cute in the back half and while the "dying breath" line was a bit harsh (seriously writers was that necessary) I'm even less interested in exploring a full season of Fran's actual story, not because it's been gender bended to Michaela, I just don't care for Fran's character. Personal opinion, sorry.

Kate/Anthony

Loved competitive Anthony at game night, we are the same Anthony, truly first borns. Kate has relaxed him for sure tho. Loved how he seemed to truly support his siblings, first with Colin and again with Fran in their choices to marry. Wished we could have seen his face when Pen announced she was LW after he was so clear that there was no way anyone could be her under his nose as RULER over the Bridgerton lands or some shit. Would have been a delight to see, yet...he did once again run off and leave his duty as leader of the Bridgerton family once again. For all this fandom screams that Anthony is the only man of the house with the actual job and responsibility he has yet once again disappeared from it yet again. No matter, there was little of this duo for me to take true aim at this season and thus not much for me to say other than what I have.

So moving on....

Cressida

What is there to say...Who's afraid of the big bad BITCH. Well not Pen. And no one else, for off to the country she goes and good on ya! Sorry, don't let the door hit ya on the way out. I'm not sad to see you and your big ass sleeves go.

Violet/Marcus

Tend that garden girl. TEND THAT GARDEN! That's all I gotta say, S4 is gonna bring Mama Bridgerton her just desserts! It was lovely seeing her navigating the dating mart and being nervous herself. I can't wait to see her needing to lean on Lady D and her children as she tries to figure this out herself next season.

Eloise

I was up, I was down. I was on the floor in anger and tears and then crying with joy. I understood you, I swore at you, I still love you dearly. There is much for you to learn about love and the world and I will welcome you home to do that. I did feel like she grew a lot this season. She was confused by love. Love of Pen, Love of Colin, love of being a woman in society and finding her way in what all of that means again. It was nice to see that. I loved her scenes with Colin and Pen and even with Benedict. I do look forward to her season as I feel like she had the most growth this season and while I feel like Ben's is next (boo) she can't be far behind, though I would welcome them doing her and Ben together in 4 at this point since it takes so fucking long to film these.

The Featheringtons

The most growth came from the family. Portia, Pru, and Phillipa had a lot of growth. Between mama being put in her place, then having to face how she has treated her daughter, how she sees her daughter, and then realizing how her daughter is stronger than she realized was quite the journey. And then beyond that seeing the jealousy the sisters had for Pen all along, the way it burned in them because some part of them always felt that their mama loved her most, favored her most even with her treatment. That all the girls really wanted was love of their mama. Seeing that family all together at the end, not jealous of who had the heir, just happy, with their families was beautiful.

Colin

Oh dear sensitive Colin Bridgerton. You really are a soft angel boy. He was so in love, so smitten and we needed that for him to understand how he felt up front but the moment he found out about Pen, you could feel the heart break, the confusion, the anger, the loss. And it didn't just magically heal. He loved Pen, he knew that but the burn inside to reconcile that he couldnt tear LW from her, couldn't rip it from her soul was literally a dark cloud over him for the back half. I took no issue with his words in anger, the were to be expected. He no more meant them or believed them than the stupid ass words people say in anger or stating he would never court her. They were simply words.

His mother was right. He is sensitive. Sleeping on the couch, pouting everywhere. He could not reconcile his thoughts. Could not get her to give up LW for anything and his brain could not comprehend. It was only when he went back to her letters that he realized Pen was not LW, LW was Pen. He loved ONE woman and they were the same woman. He also needed to stop taking control and stop trying to save the day. Pen was a capable woman and he needed to stop trying to control her.

I think the greatest thing about Colin as a character is that he is a sensitive person who loves wholly. He is able to put away the notion of the MAN needing to be the one who runs things. He lets her be a partner with him, in sex, in life, in their roles. This is shown not just in the fact he lets her take on how to fix the LW situation in the end, but also having her on top in the bedroom in their final sex scene. She's a participant in their marriage, not a submissive wife. This is refreshing in this world and I'm happy to see it in Colin.

Penelope

What a ride for Pen she had. She was faced with giving up her dreams to let Colin thrive in his. And she was willing to do so, lets just preface they gave us that scene where she put away LW for us to transition to Colin finally losing his writers block and happily writing away. She gave it up only to be faced with a challenge and needing to take up the quill again. Pen needed to save the Bridgertons and did so later on but she was willing to give everything up for Colin.

I loved her convos with Gen and how it was another woman who allowed her to see that women did not need to give up their worth for men. AMEN! No one said, Colin needed to give up his dreams but Pen absolutely was able to have hers too. I loved this and then to see her stand up to Colin in their second fight, to let her voice be heard to him and not let him talk over her was also important.

The fact that Pen stood up for herself, diverging from the books where Colin does this for her in the books, having Pen stand up for herself thus saving herself and outing herself to the ton, I liked this. Pen was able to put LW away and use her OWN voice to the ton and explain to everywhere why she created this entire empire. I thought this was beautifully done and then having her let Colin out of the marriage afterwards so that she basically put them now on a level playing field was perfect. His speech at that point should be put in a museum because it leveled me. I think this put them finally into the right place for their marriage and lets them begin as equals. They both have a career, they both have a purpose, they have each other and they do things together. She's not out there alone anymore.

What a fucking journey. God I love this show.

So yeah, I know I'm seeing people upset, they didn't get the spoilers they wanted, didn't get some pieces they built up and you are allowed to feel that way. I think my only gripe I have is that our sex montage was cut from the show and instead we got too much Ben and his tiresome threesome that went no where. So that is my only gripe. Give me that deleted scene and I'll be happy forever. Otherwise....

Polin is life! I loved everything they gave us and I have no complaints.

A+++ They have a happy fan from me.

[zaraomarrogers]

Always and Forever - 9

Pairing: Steve Roger x Fem Reader

Warning: angst, fluff, sexual content, 18+, minors do not interact, mentions of drug.

The early morning air was cool, brisk, and fresh with the scent of

the morning dew yet to evaporate from the foliage around the house. Y/n was glad she had worn her favourite coat, the cuts were perfectly fitted on her curves. She felt good. She had been feeling good for couple of weeks now. Was that okay to feel good, she thought to herself. It had been a week since Steve came back from New York. Malcolm had stayed over Steve’s place on Saturday night because Steve was off from the work the whole week. She smiled to herself knowing Malcolm and Steve had fallen in love with each other almost instantly. Just like Steve and her. Even when they were best friends, they had loved each other unconditionally. Once they started dating, it was like their whole world had revolved around each other. She remembered when Steve had learned to play the piano in middle school, he had started playing it during the lunch time, he was just so perfect in playing the piano from the beginning, that few of the seniors or sometimes teachers started giving him tips. He’d save all the coins and had bought her her favourite candies and sometimes ice cream. Y/n had saved all the candies in a jar and kept it on her desk. Whenever Eleanor demeaned her or she’d had fight with Peggy, she’d take out the candy and eat it. It was like she had treated herself with those candies when her mother and sister made her feel like shit, those sweet delights were the only comforting thing she could have, because Steve had gotten them for her. The candy jar for her was the precious most thing, it gave her the sense of belonging, she hadn’t ever had felt in her own house.

Ever since Steve came back she had started feeling that same belongingness around him. It felt natural. She knew she had created the bubble around herself, where she was avoiding every question and every logic her rational part of the brain was eager to address. It was easy for her to draw herself in the routine that now included Steve. She also knew, once her bubble would burst, it’d be almost impossible for  her to pick herself again. She wasn’t naive, she was afraid. The fact that if she’d address the elephant in the room, it’d cause a chaos not only in her life but in Malcolm’s as well and her little boy deserved nothing but happiness.

She had heard few gossips about Steve in the passing. Many young ladies were interested in Steve’s apparent eligible bachelor status and had shamelessly tried to shoot their shot but once it was known that Steve was Malcolm’s father and her and Steve had a history together, Y/n only got to hear them whispering about her and Steve. It didn’t bother her though, she was okay as long as everybody was minding their own business.

It had been really busy week for her at work. Pepper and Tony were in the process of reconciling their marriage and in a result, Pepper wanted to showcase her winter collection in New York. Tony was funding the show, it was bigger and more extravagant than the fall showcase they did almost three months ago. Y/n wasn’t agreed on going to New York, she had been reasoning with Pepper almost daily that she’d stay back and look after the things in Boston while the team would be there in New York. Of course, Pepper wasn’t ready to leave her best planner behind.

Today, was just like any other day for Y/n. The only thing that kept her sane through out the day was Malcolm’s phone call in every half and hour. Malcolm might had stayed with his dad but he needed to know that he could still access to his mama easily. In every phone call, he’d tell her what him and Steve was up to and how much fun he had been having with Steve, he just wanted Y/n to be connected with him. Malcolm was still a mama's boy at the end of the day.

She chuckled putting her phone down after assuring Malcolm that she’d be there in an hour after he told her that he almost peed his pants because Steve didn’t know how to fix kids toilet seat. He also told her that Steve made him cereal for lunch. She could hear Steve in the background trying and failing to keep Malcolm spilling more about his failed cooking. She made a mental note of getting a take away before going to pick Malcolm from Steve’s house.

 *~*

 “Here.” Steve handed a bottle of beer to Bucky who had just come over from work.

“Thanks pal!” Bucky smirked, looking at the lego pieces and duplo scattered around in Steve’s living room. Markers , crayons and colour pencils were also splayed on the coffee table.

“How’s the daddy doing?” Bucky winked at Steve.

“Perfect!” Steve smiled contentedly. “It can’t be more perfect. Mal's an amazing kid. He’s my perfect little bean.”

“I’m happy for you man.” Bucky took a swig of his beer. “Talked to Y/n yet?”

“Tried to, but seems like she doesn’t want to talk about it. Every time I bring it up, she’d change the topic... or just cut me off. She doesn’t wana listen, I don’t know how else to talk to her.” Steve sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“....but you gotta tell her, Stevie.”

“I know right! I’d try tonight when she’d come to pick up Mal. You wana stay, I’m gonna make chicken pot pie. Mal's favourite.”

Bucky gave him an incredulous look. “No thanks! I don’t want to get food poison.” He laughed out loud.

“Hey! It’s not that bad. I know, my cooking skills are not that great but at least I try.”

“Ahem! Not that great? Pal, its about time you accept the reality that you can’t cook.” Bucky was laughing out loud when the door bell rang. Steve went to open the door. Y/n came in, with her hair tied in a casual bun and lipstick faded, she was looking breathtakingly gorgeous in baby pink mock neck blouse and beige pencil trousers. She hung her coat in the closet and took off her shoes, Steve couldn’t help but kept looking at her every action dreamily. Bucky noticed how his best friend was intimidated and so in love. He cleared the throat and greeted Y/n with a warm hug.

“How are ya, Y/n/n? Long time, huh?” Bucky winked.

“We met this Friday, Buck.” Y/n rolled her eyes, chuckling.

While Bucky and Y/n engaged in conversation, Steve hurriedly tried to clean up the kitchen counter that was messy with his cooking failure. Y/n kept peeking at what Steve was doing, she made a mental note of ordering pizza. Malcolm was napping after an eventful day with Steve, it was evident that they had so much fun. Y/n felt the warmth that settled into her heart after seeing all the mess in Steve’s living room. She always knew Steve would be an awesome father and he had proved it that he was.

After a short while Bucky left to go on a date night with Wanda, leaving Steve and Y/n in an awkward silence.

“So.... what are you trying and failing at?” Y/n asked breaking the silence. She joined Steve in the kitchen who was clearly in need of help. The pastry dough was getting thinner and thinner by constant rolling. Y/n laughed out loud.

“Hey! I’m almost done. It might look like.... uhh...” Steve tried to find the word that could fit the description of his dough but cut off by Y/n.

“like a disaster? Oh my god! Steve, you’re not even close to finishing it.” She giggled and Steve just looked at her mesmerised by the sound of her laugh and the tint of pink that always form on her face when she laugh.

“Here, let me put it away.” She came to stand beside him, gently taking the roller pin from his hand and folding the dough again. She was close enough for Steve to see the freckles and lines on her clean face. His gaze roamed from her face to her jawline and to her neck, her sweet spot right over the pulse. As if feeling his eyes she looked up to see him staring at her with so intensity in his eyes, a breath hitched in her throat.

“You’re so beautiful.” His words came out in bare whisper, blue eyes dark and dilated. He leaned forward placing a light feathery kiss on her jaw and then on her neck.

“Steve...” a gasp escaped her lips, a whisper, a whine that sent waves of electricity to Steve’s whole being, and without acknowledging he grabbed her from the waist and pulled her into him, putting his forehead on hers.

“I love you Y/n/n... I love you so much... so so much... I love you, can’t live without you....”

Steve whispered, chanted his love over and over while pressed into her. She could feel his hardness nudging on her body, a familiar ache spread between her legs. It shouldn’t be happening, her mind tried to reason but her heart had its way of controlling her actions as she cupped his face and looked into his eyes. They were merely inches apart and as they tried to lean in, a sound of small feet pitter pattering the wooden floor.

“Daddy, I up.” Malcolm came into the view with bed hair and groggy eyes. Y/n took a step back from Steve, an awkwardness visible in her posture, Steve didn’t budge an inch though.

“Mamaaa..” The moment Malcolm’s gaze landed on Y/n, he ran into his arms, his happiness clearly  seen.

“Miss you, mama, so much.” Malcolm tucked his head in her neck.

“I missed you too, Mal-pal, so so much.” She said looking over to find Steve gazing lovingly at both of them. Her heart was still beating faster than it should after the moment she had just shared with Steve.

“I eat cookie and doughnut mama, an’ daddy make chicky pie.” At the mention of chicken pot pie Steve went still because it was nowhere near done. Y/n scoffed seeing Steve’s face.

“What else did Mal do today?” she engaged in more conversation, walking out the kitchen while still had Malcolm sitting on her hip.

“Pway piano with daddy. I good mama, I-I pway legos, we build dwagon.” He slipped out of her arms and started showing the things he made from the legos. The drawings he made with Steve while telling her how much he loved playing piano with his father. Y/n was listening and participating in the conversation while also ordering the pizza quickly.

“Mal, why aren’t you wearing socks?” She asked after noticing that her three year old was playing on wooden floor bare feet.

“I's hot mama. No wike it.” The innocent answer made Steve laughed out loud, he joined them in the living room.

“He’s just like you, I know you won’t wear socks even when you feet were so cold.” Steve said earning a raised eye brow.

“But I’d still wear them because you never stop complaining about it. C'mon Mal-pal, bring your socks, you’ll get cold.”

“I complained? Seriously Y/n, I was taking care of you....”

“.... by making me wear socks.” She giggled. “You felt so cold that you use to wear double socks and you had habit of keeping my feet in your lap, so you made me wear socks so that your hand won’t get cold.”

“I know! Okay you win.” Steve said and smiled at her. “I think I’m gonna go order a pizza or something. This pie looks like a disaster.” He said sheepishly.

“I already have.” Y/n smirked. “I knew it was a disaster when I looked at it. How about you stop even trying Steve. You.cant.cook.” She chuckled.

“Excuse me!”

She shrugged her shoulders in a playful way. When Malcolm brought his socks to her, he immediately sat in her lap.

“No wana wear socks.” He clinged onto her, wrapping his small arms around her neck.

“Okay, how about we have some cheese pizza for dinner, mama doesn’t wana eat pie.”

“Why mama? I wana eat pie.” Malcolm pouted and Y/n gave him a kiss.

“How about I promise to make a pie tomorrow for all of us and also make some special brownies for Mal?” Malcolm’s eyes shined at the mention of brownies, and he nodded his head vigorously yelling, “ ‘peciaw b’ownies yaayyy, mama.”

“Why no pie today mama?”

“Because daddy doesn’t bring complete ingredients, he has to buy a new pastry dough.”

Malcolm looked at Steve who just gave him a smile, “I’m sorry bubba, I’ll make you something else.”

“Daddy no cook, mama make good pie.”

“Oh my god!” Steve exclaimed , folding his arms on his chest. Y/n laughed out loud, Malcolm joining him giggling and kissing her face.

“He’s such a mama’s boy.” Steve said with fake annoyance.

“Like father like son.” Y/n said softly, playful grin still on her face.

Their eyes met, holding each other’s gaze for a moment, Y/n averted, putting Malcolm on his feet, he ran away to bring something he and Steve did to show her leaving his parents in silence.

“When are you joining back?” she asked Steve getting comfortable on the couch.

“Probably next week. Tony wanted me to join right away but I needed to have the time off.”

“Mhmm.. how did he agree to have you back on your terms.” She asked curiously.

“He didn’t want to loose the best he has.” He shrugged his shoulders, she scoffed, rolling her eyes.

“Well, in all honesty, if I’d resign and applied elsewhere, it would be loss for him because he’s got rivals and they’d approach me on my terms and Tony being an egoistic jerk, couldn’t let this happen. So he kinda compromised on me having to continue working with Pepper. And saying all this, I feel like a shitty person.”

“Why? You feel uncomfortable bragging about yourself?” Y/n chuckled.

“Yes. Very much.”

They fell into a silence, the sound of Malcolm building and breaking duoplo could be heard.

“So... How’s the winter campaign going so far? When're you guys going to New York?”

“Busy, exhausting and frustrating. You know how it gets near the showcase time. And.. um... they’re taking it to New York, I’m not... going.” She had frown when she mentioned New York.

“Why aren’t you going to New York? I mean this is your project, you’re doing so much hard work Y/n.”

“I don’t want to go.” She shrugged, not wanting to talk about it.

“Because of me?” Steve whispered, audible enough for her to look at him.

“C'mon Mal-pal, let’s get you ready. Gotta go home.” It took her few awkward minutes to finally say something. She couldn’t find it in herself to say it to him that he was also the reason, among many painful memories of her with her mother and sister.

“Y/n, umm.. I think... we n-should talk... I need to tell you something.” Steve almost got panicked when she told Malcolm to get ready to go home.

She looked at him with a frown that was deepened between her eye brows.  

“Steve, I don’t...”

“Please, hear me out, just once. Please.”

“I don’t know, Steve. I just don’t...”

“Mama, I go bathwoom.” Malcolm came to her before she could finish her sentence.

She smiled at him, taking his hands in hers and towards the bathroom. Steve sighed heavily, at this point he was getting desperate to tell her everything. The door bell brought him out of his thoughts, as he stood up to collect pizza, Y/n’s phone dinged twice on the coffee table and out of curiosity, Steve peeked a look and his world stop moving when he saw the text from Andy Barber in her notification.

I’d love to see you again tomorrow, Y/n, with two heart emojis.

~*~

Peggy was lounging on the couch, doing her nails when Eleanor appeared in the doorway. She had a file in her hand that she roughly threw on the coffee table to gain Peggy’s attention.

“What is it?” she asked not even looking at the file.

“A proof that you’re pregnant.” Eleanor poured some whiskey in her glass.

“What the f- mom!”

“This is how you keep that boy with you, Pegs. There’s no other way you can have him in your life.”

“But that’s a blatant lie...”

“So what? You want the boy so I’m doing what’s best to keep him with you.”

“Mom! I don’t want Steve and you know that. Nothing happened that night except for a sloppy makeout. He did not touch me because he was too drugged to do anything.”

“You don’t have to remind me that, Pegs.”

“Then why are making this fake report. I wanted to hurt Y/n, I did, she even left this city. I can’t be a part of this when I feel nothing for Steve.”

“Don’t be stupid Peggy. I arranged that drug for you, and it worked. What you wanted to happen, it did happen, so now play along and be of some use for me as well.”

“What does that mean?”

“Stark industries has hired him, you know he’s got brilliant academic record. I’ve an insider told me that they’re going to hire him permanently. Do you know how it would be beneficial for your career and for mine, being associated with each other and having connections with Stark would take both of us on the pinnacle of our careers. Just think about it.”

“How do you know this fake pregnancy would work?”

“Pegs, sweetheart, you just have to show him this file, tell him that you’re pregnant with his child, just make something up. You’re smarter than I know. Use him, manipulate him.”

“After that, what happens, how are you going to put a baby inside my stomach after few months.”

“I have it everything planned out, Peggy. Just play your part. You will be fine. Trust me.”

“We have enough money, mom. Why are you doing this?”

“You will understand when you’d be attending one of the Stark gala and meeting different people, pitching for  your career. You will understand.”

Peggy nodded her head but she knew it will be difficult for her to pretend everything. There was this unsettling feeling about this whole situation that she couldn’t figure out.

[devilslinks]

# 𝗡𝗘𝗦𝗦𝗔 !

— 𝗖𝗟𝗨𝗕 𝗙𝗘𝗩𝗘𝗥 | 𝗡𝗘𝗦𝗦𝗔, 𝗧𝗢𝗣 𝗠𝗔𝗟𝗘 𝗥𝗘𝗔𝗗𝗘𝗥.

wc; ( 3.2k )

synopsis; your best friend, raihan and you find yourselves eager to get intoxicated in one another's company. what better place than a night-club, dim lights, the overwhelmin' musk of the various alcoholic beverages; it's every guy pairs wet dream. that is until raihan gets shit-faced and excuses himself to the restroom while he pukes up his spiked guts. only to return to watch his sister take you balls deep, down her throat.

a/n: no brain, only nessa and her magical throat 🤝

warnings. MINORS DNI, NSFW CONTENT, family!au, raihan and nessa are siblings, club sex, intoxication, dirty talk, the name princess, deep throating, oral (m receiving), throat bulge, throat fucking, cum eating, flirty!nessa, jealous!raihan, exhibitionism, voyeurism.

euphoria.

that was the only word that came mind when raihan and you got involved in recreational activities like you did. galar was a go big or go home type of region, and the two of you stayed true to that motto. the itchy, messily thrown together suits that matched all the way down to the type of socks you had on— the overexcessive amounts of booze, and the loud music which just barely drowned out the fits of laughter and discussion littered throughout the packed club. as soon as the doors opened, flooding your senses with nothing but the sickly sweet, aroma of sex and other intoxicating chemicals; that's how you knew the had night begun.

the two of you had been indulging, before you arrived on the scene— time seemed to blur together with head-spinning speeds or come to a full halt at the worst of moments. you don't even know how long you'd been locking eyes with the transparent shapes and manufactured blurbs dancing across the wall a good, twenty, maybe thirty feet adjacent to your seat at the drink counter. the weight of something too heavy for your alcohol infused mind to register until the bar hostess was practically brewing with irritation at your non-compliance with her attempts to have you regain control of your dazed state; sat lazily in-between your pointer finger and thumb, respectively.

hell you don't even remember waddling over to the bar with the company you had brought with you. but you didn't mind, the painfully challenging to recall memories mattered not when there was already another drink swirling around the rim of your shot-glass. raihan's shifty frame wiggling in and out of your peripherals as you tug the half-empty cup to the skin of your lips, craning your head back to knock down whatever liquid remained at the bottom. the delicious burn of toxins coated the lining of your throat, trails of steamy fluid leaving their mark as the mystery liquor made it way down your esophagus. whatever it was, it packed a punch and wasted no time forcing your lips to curve into a bitter sneer— eyebrows shadowing your face in a sour demeanor, as you used the hem of your suit sleeve to whisk away any spilt mixture that tarnished your cherry red lips.

you hardly have the chance to open your mouth for a second time to address the swaying body, huddled closer the counter than it is to your own. raihan is a total mess, loopsy, and feverishly hot skin to compliment— he's stained a harsh, sickly green against his natural melanin tone. doubling over in either pain or the sudden flow of too many drinks pooling in his system; whatever the emotion he was enduring was, he wasted not a second longer before hustling off into the large gathering of people. disappearing before his lips could slur the final word, missing from his dialect.

“hh..h fuck- my stomach is gonna explode, i'll catch you-” his gravely tone churning into the backdrop just as quickly as he initiated the conversation; the familiar hum of lyrics to a song you couldn't quite place your finger on replaced whatever words raihan had previously gargled out before dashing off towards the public restrooms.

your head feels like it weighs a metric ton this late into the night, threatening to tumble forward as if your neck had lost any and all of it's support. your eyelids pulling down roughly over your eyes like window shades before the sudden wave of loneliness hit you like a truck. fiddling with the collar of your dress-shirt was entertaining enough to fill the void that was the now empty stool, where your best friend once resided. but that quick fix subsided rather easily and the once overwhelming presence of boredom had returned to take a seat.

and then, so did she.

“shit, rai- back so soon? you alright?” your vision was foggy and adorned with blurry bits here and there— but it was still evident enough to make out that, whoever was indeed now in your friend's seat, was not the person you had chauffeured to the club with.

“damn, do i really look, that bad? it's me, y/n. the painfully better looking sibling. what did that idiot put in your drink?” the speech is followed by a laugh. it was a warm and inviting chuckle, one that seemed to relax every muscle in your liquor tense body the moment she parted her spit silken lips. you had been in her company earlier that evening, which made it a tad easier for your incoherent mindset to process it. but nevertheless it was hard not to distinguish who the women paying you a visit was at this point, even if you hadn't engaged with her previously; nessa was infamous for those enchanting looks. and in your dumbified state, those gorgeous navy locks tied together by aquamarine highlights were one of a kind and stuck out like a sore thumb amongst the room of normal presenting citizens. though your brain didn't want to pick-up any of your surroundings, you found it quite easy to fawn over her in that ebony dress and the way it hugged her curves in all the right places.

“fuck.. nes' when'd you get so.. so.” you couldn't even find the energy or hell, the words to cough up the remainder of the sentence, you were so taken aback by how stunning she was, even behind your bleary, drunk eyes. but nessa wasn't oblivious— you were sure she had picked up the hint you had layed out so bluntly, and the warm palm slowly inching up your clothed thigh secured that suspension for you.

“not even so much as a greeting? you didn't even buy me a drink first; asshole.”

her words are firm, yet so light hearted at the same time; but just enough to set your arousal over the edge. your headspace so vulnerable to teasing that you're certain she knew what she was doing to your conflicted mind and body. her sly fingers are enough to coax you to shuffle your bar-stool closer to her's— not a single word wriggled around your throat in response, instead the tangy after-tase of alcohol still heavy on your tongue distracted you and you were sure the whole bar could acknowledge your intoxicated musk.

her features held so many different emotions at once, as she pryed you for a reply— trying to tell you each one obscured behind that pretty face, way too quickly for you to decipher. her brows furrowed quizzically, one tilted slightly higher than the other as her half lidded doe-eyes stared up at you like prey at a final stand off with their predator; just humbly surrending their body to the circle of life.

“hah, you're one to.. talk, nes' just because 'm out of it- doesn't mean my numb skin can't feel your heavy hand toying with my waistband.” the both of you swiftly changed direction, heads leering down at nessa's free hand. you were infact correct, you observed as the woman swirled shapes into the expensive leather of your belt. pulling bits between her fingers now and then as she silently struggled with the metalic buckle. your groin swelled tightly, gripping your boxers closer to the fat bulge behind your suit pants; it would take an idiot not to take notice of the wrinkled fabric secured around your aching dick. her skin felt like a furnace, contrasting your slightly cooler temperature— but with her body pressing so desperately to yours, you were sure the warmth from her melted over onto your feverish flesh. the damp, sheen of anxious sweat made the fabric of your suit, dewy. sticking slightly against your hellish skin.

“mm, i guess i was wrong about the greeting part— hello there, you look happy to see me.” not a hint of shame obscured her voice, you're miserably watching nessa shift her weight as she now palms at the mound between your legs. you've seen countless renditions of this night loop in your head, but now that the scenario is a reality; it's agonizing to try to contain your primal urges, face to face. it's a chore not to profess all the vile things you wanna carry out with her, but she's already one step ahead. that glare is dangerous, it makes you feel like she's trying convey that the two of you are already in on something devious.

“let me take care of you.. y/n.”

“let me treat you, nessa.”

the both of you drawl out in what would be perfect unison if your mind wasn't foggy and running slower than usual. you had both finally voiced the elephant in the room, the one which was just positively dripping with thick tension up until this moment in time. you're still squirming under nessa's grip, she can feel you whine and pant everytime she gives your cock a light squeeze between her fingers and it's not long before the two of you are absent from the bar and clawing at one another's linen around the corner. closest to any vacant area within eye-shot. well, as vacant as a small room seperated from the bustling club-life can get.

did you think the night would come to a close with your friend's sister skillfully sucking the soul out of your sloppy cock? not in a million years, but you'd be damned if you didn't want it to end on any other note. nessa fell to her knees before the two of you even made it out of view— planting herself in-between your thighs like she was a trained professional; no flaws in her technique as her tongue slid obediently from her mouth and latches onto the moist fabric masking her mouth's destination. nessa's fingers are long and slender, as they snake up your hips and meet at the belt tangled around your waist. you can feel your cock pumping against the seams of your pants, the uncomfortable sensation making it appear as though you'd rip through the cloth if your cock was imprisoned a second longer.

with the head-splitting atmosphere of the club playlist stretching and stuffing your ears to the brim with fast pitched edm that made your skull pound and jitter. as well as the added hum of the gym leader whispering inaudible nothings against your bulge as she at last pushed your pants down, and past your ankles; material getting caught on the fancy design of your shoes. you felt like you were on the brink of death, but the enticing appeal of hooking up with your best friend's relative kept your iron-will alive long enough to rough it out and pass the irritation that came with being black-out drunk.

your storm of worries fizzled just as quickly as they sprung up, maybe it was the alcohol but you swear this girl had the hands of the divine; you were washed away into infatuation once more. nessa's teeth hike up your boxers until they meet the waistline, pulling down on the hem with a familiar aggressiveness as she relishes in the way your big dick pops to life and looms over her lustful features; all chubby 'n decorated with veins fer' her viewing pleasure.

“shit.. i'm gonna have so much fun with your cock. you wanna make your stupid slut already? my mouth is just asking for it.” the first piece is low and almost voiced as if it was meant for her ears only— but the second half is most definitely directed at you; as she tilts her head to plant a few delicate lovebites along the base of your shaft. fingers looping gracefully around your hilt as she admires the girth you carry.

“fuck..” you hiss, cock twitching violently as you pleaded with sinful eyes. she had barely started her reign over your dick before guttural groans and mewls slid past your lips. the sensation of her tiny tastebuds as they trailed over the little glob of pre-cum that drooled from your cockhead was insatiable. the sudden action sent your hips forward almost automatically, like they instinctively acted on impulse; it felt so right. merely a few inches breached past her lips but there was enough speed and prowess in your thrust to drag a surprise gag from the mouth attached to your dick.

impatience was on the horizon, the buzz from copious amounts of alcohol had knocked down a few pegs. you were now fully aware of the figure positioned at your feet like she was praying for a god, and soon you'd make her chant like she was being fucked by one as well. broad fingers clamped down, squishing both sides of her jaw while simultaneously easing your length deeper, and deeper down her gullet like your dick was her last meal on earth. you throw your head back before letting it fall forward against the wall, watching those desperate dark iris' pool with puddles of lust that seem to be neverending.

“come'on princess, you know how badly you want this-- you gonna let me ruin this pretty throat?” you thumb over her warm cheeks, eyes glossy and threatening to ruin the simple makeup she applied before she arrived. the uncomfortable stretch of her esophagus molding as your cock fills the empty gaps in her throat with every inch you have; is one that isn't unfamiliar to her. dragging your pulsating veins along the dip in her mouth, her tongue greedily laps up any and all of the skin yet to be consumed by her.

“jesus.. fuck, oh fuck. take it, nes'. shit.” your cock fully slips into her, heavy and swollen as it spears her right down the middle; eyes rolling back into her skull as it's just too fucking big. bigger than anything she's previously had inside of her, anyway. your core bleeds with spots of warmth as you take the time to bask in the way every individual wall in her mouth feels as it constricts you almost painfully. sucking you in before she slides you back out of her throat once more; repeating the tedious cylce that has the two of you in a heated frenzy.

despite all the sudden and erratic pain, nessa bobs her head in sync, coaxing you to go as deep as humanly possible. rocking your hips as they snap against her face with every good fuck you give her— watching yourself grow rapidly from the outside of her neck, the moist skin now holding a curved bump near the middle. nessa takes the initiative. removing a hand from one of your thighs, she uses four fingers to lightly push and stroke the bulge; almost as if she was jerking you off while you ravaged her inards.

she knew exactly what she was doing, and it had you riled the fuck up.

you picked up the pace, delirious from the amount of stimulation your precious cock was receiving. with your erection fully encased by her face and your dick bouncing off the gummy walls of her gullet, you could tell her throat was already forming bruises with a throbbing soreness to compliment, time come the morning. your rough hands dig behind the back of her head, hands feeling lost amongst her ocean of hair— beautiful locks just perfect for pulling. you yank her face forward, lowering yours as well to not only established authority but to get your point across to the cockdrunk slut mindlessly slobbering all over your messy shaft.

“mfph-- please, cum.. i want- all!” you can just barely string together what sounds like whines for more— i guess she can sense just how close the knot in your stomach is to bursting because she grips the back of your thighs and tugs them forward with whatever coherent muscle strength she has remaining. just in time for the tension in your core to coil tighter and tighter, the lowerhalf of your body trembling with all the signs of an incoming orgasm.

“does my dumb little girl wanna be fucked, that, bad? hah, fuck nes' what would your brother think?” you mock so cruelly, totally disregarding the fact that there is a slim possibility, raihan is searching for the lost pair. and it just so happens that nessa's poor little brother had been observing for a little over half the engagement. fist wrapped around his pathetic cock, suit collar pulled between his fangs, ocean blue eyes fixated on you; your hip strength, the way you rolled and plunged balls deep into his sibling. his body felt so empty, only riding his high off the two of yours', praying he'd finish before you caught him lurking like a sleaze. it was so unfair, why did nessa get to taste your sultry cock before he did?

you can feel the bass reverberate in nessa's throat as her lips nip at your hilt, impatiently trying to babble out a response adequate enough to your liking. her mind is flying, no correct sense of direction as it attempts to form a reply, but all that breaks past the barrier is a few pitiful mewls. her nose is burried in your pubes and she's lost all feeling in her throat, only motivating her to show off the lump on her neck even more. you watch as your length disappears into the depths of her mouth for the hundredth time that night, hands pushing down the lacy strap of her dress in a last ditch effort to find something other than her hair to latch onto for support. her scalp is on fire and she can only accept the stinging sensation as the roughness of your thrusts increase in magnitude.

the club is filled to the brim with lewd moans and needy pants; those of which included raihan's. every inch of her esophagus is being used— you happily ram your cock down her throat a few more times, your balls were quivering wildly. contracting and spasming, boiling with a fat wad of potent seed all ready to venture inside of her. nessa squeals, feeling a thick bulge travel up the length of your cock, up to the head and straight on her tongue; some spurts flowing down her neck while the rest collected in her mouth. painting her insides a translucent white that would surely stain.

just for good measure, nessa deep throats your empty dick with a few simple strokes; a white, sticky ring forming around the base of your shaft after she detached from your dick. a lewd pop, followed by a line of stringy saliva connected her lips to your bottomed out cock before she ruined the trail by letting her tongue lull from behind her teeth. letting you get a nice overhead view of her empty mouth, watching as the last bits of your load traveled down her throat and out of sight for good.

“god.. such a g'girl. you sucked on my cock so nicely, princess. wasn't that a way to end the night?” a blissed out smile creeps over your face, marveling in the aftermath you caused. you gave the right side of her face a few taps from your cock— dried tears and sloppy makeup tainting her cheeks. cum dripping from the corners of her mouth, as a cocktail of her own spit and your semen coats the back of her throat. it was all one big look of;

euphoria.

[ncssian]

A Favor: Part Fourteen

Nessian Modern AU

Masterlist

a/n: my quickest AND longest update to date?? who am i??

merry christmas for real this time. thank you sm for reading i never voice my appreciation for yall but it’s there i swear

tw: abuse mention

***

Cassian’s plan to grab his stuff and get the hell back home is intercepted by Feyre, who pulls him aside and proceeds to spill everything about her fight with Nesta to him.

His heart hurts for Feyre—he of all people knows what it’s like to feel unwanted by your biological family. But what did she really think would happen? Their entire friend group is about placing chosen bonds over blood bonds. Feyre can’t be that offended if Nesta prefers the company of her friends over her little sisters. And trying to talk to Nesta about her therapy? Jesus.

But Cassian has a feeling it’ll take both Feyre and Elain a long spelling out of things before they can begin to understand Nesta the way he does, and he doesn’t have time for that right now. He’s too distracted to even provide the comfort Feyre came to him for.

Somehow, he makes up an excuse and detaches himself from the conversation, leaving to find his coat and keys. Azriel spies him on the way to the door and gives him a look.

“Not a fucking word,” Cassian growls as he passes. Everyone else is engrossed in a game of poker and getting progressively more drunk. Feyre now sits on Rhys’s lap, once again content. Azriel only smirks but shakes his head, letting Cassian slip out of the penthouse unnoticed.

He takes the long way home, needing the night air and flashing headlights to clear his head. Once he gets off the freeway leading to town, though, he picks up his phone and calls Nesta.

She doesn’t pick up.

On the fourth call that goes unanswered, Cassian gives up. Fine. She doesn’t want to talk to him tonight. But still he finds himself driving past her neighborhood, once, twice, as if he’s listless without being able to talk to her. He has too many feelings he needs to get off his chest, and she’s the first person he always goes to for those things.

Try to consider her feelings.

It’s that thought that forces him to turn around and drive back to the cabin. They’ll both feel better in the morning, anyway. He can find her and talk as soon as the day starts.

It’s past midnight when he finally pulls up to the driveway, and still he’s disappointed to not see Nesta’s car there. Still he’s disappointed to enter an empty cabin.

The Christmas tree they decorated together sits unlit in the corner of the living room, their presents untouched under the fir leaves. Without turning the lights on, Cassian trudges upstairs and heads straight to bed.

Any sleep he finds is short and restless. His eyes shut sometime around three in the morning, and when they next open, early dawn light is streaming in through the windows. Snow flurries gently against the glass.

Giving up on the prospect of genuine rest, Cassian accepts that he’ll have to seek out Nesta with dark circles and a half-functioning brain today.

He already has a list in his mind as he heads downstairs: get coffee and breakfast for Nesta, get dressed, be at her door by the time she wakes at nine.

Then he reaches the foot of the stairs, and realizes none of that is necessary.

Straight out of his dreams, Nesta is sitting cross-legged on the ground before the coffee table, inspecting a puzzle piece in the cutest sweater he’s ever seen.

Cassian freezes with his hand on the banister, wondering if he’s still asleep. He watches her bite her lip intently, trying to fit the puzzle piece into a corner of the puzzle. It doesn’t fit.

“Fuck,” she swears softly, tossing the piece aside. Cassian clears his throat.

Nesta’s head shoots up, her focus broken. “You’re awake.”

“You’re in my house,” he says dumbly.

“That’s what the key you gave me is for, isn’t it?”

Hesitantly, like he’s approaching a wounded bear, Cassian walks farther into the living room. “Are you—I mean, are we…?”

“Use your words, baby.”

He breathes a sigh of relief. She doesn’t seem upset. There’s so much he wants to ask her: did she sleep well? Where did she get her Christmas sweater from, and does it mean she’s secretly been a fan of Christmas all along? Does she want hot chocolate or coffee with her breakfast?

“How was your night?” he settles on. He moves to sit across from her at the coffee table.

“Find where this goes,” Nesta demands, handing him a new puzzle piece and pointing to their nearly finished puzzle.

Cassian obeys, and Nesta talks while he works. “I was pretty pissed when I got home last night,” she says. “I wanted to tell you all about this stupid fight I had with my boyfriend, and how I knew he was right but I was still furious at him, until I remembered that you were my boyfriend, and I didn’t want to see you.”

Cassian pretends to focus on the puzzle, letting Nesta get her words out.

“So Gwyn called to say thank you for her present—you were right, by the way, she loves it—and then we ended up talking the whole night, and I told her everything about my sisters and,” she waves a hand, “the other shit.

“And at one point I realized that I was telling her the stuff I needed to be telling you. So I came here as soon as I hung up with Gwyn.”

Cassian looks up. “When was that?”

Nesta shrugs. “Five in the morning?”

“Nesta,” he scolds. “You’ll fuck up your sleep cycle.”

“Will you let me get to my point, damn it?”

Cassian shuts up and sits back.

Nesta is staring down at the puzzle, fiddling with her fingernails. Carefully selecting her next words like an attorney would. “I wanted to apologize for—the things I said last night. I was projecting my insecurities onto you, and I’m sure you already know it, but that doesn’t make it okay.” She looks up, face serious. “My sisters and I bring out the worst in each other. We always have. But I let that affect how I treated you when you had nothing to do with it.”

“But you were right.” Cassian can’t stay quiet anymore. “I mean, a lot of what you said was wrong, but at the heart of your point you were right.” It took Cassian all night to sift through what Nesta had said, to separate the truth from the meaningless words of hurt. He finally sees it now.

“I should have watched out for you last night, even if I couldn’t claim you as my girlfriend. I know how you are in new environments with new people and I left you to the wolves.” The wolves are his most trusted friends, sure, but they aren’t Nesta’s. And he was an idiot to forget it.

Nesta fixes another puzzle piece into place, and for the first time this morning, true regret passes over her face. “I didn’t enjoy hurting you. I hated every second of it while I was doing it. So as long as you know I didn’t mean any of it, I’ll be fine.”

We were good distractions for each other in your lonely little cabin, but deep down you know we wouldn’t last a day in the real world.

You were sad and desperate for acknowledgement when we first met, and you’re the same way now.

Cassian nods once. “I know,” he says softly. “You could never lie to me.” Even if some of her words had struck a little truer than they should have. Cassian realizes bitterly it’s because her insecurities are the same as his.

“So are you going to tell me about what the real problem was yesterday?” He dares to broach the elephant in the room.

Nesta stiffens, refocusing on the puzzle to avoid his gaze. “I already told you,” she says. “My sisters and I bring out the worst in each other.”

“There’s more to it than that, though.” When Nesta doesn’t respond, he adds, “Feyre told me her side of the story. It probably wasn’t all of it, but if it makes you feel better, I agreed with you.”

Nesta snorts derisively. “She was being unreasonable, but I made it worse. You know that, don’t you?” She raises a brow. “You know how I am.”

Cassian remembers their screaming match from the time he tried to get her a doctor’s appointment, and oddly enough, smiles. “I know you hate it,” he says, “and I know it’s frustrating as hell, but people stop taking your arguments seriously when you start flinging insults. It probably isn’t fair, but you’ve been in a courtroom. You know how it works.”

Nesta grimaces. “Believe me, the future lawyer in me is not proud of how I held up in last night’s fight.”

“Right there.” Cassian slides a section of green pieces over to himself and fits them into place, completing the rolling hills of the landscape scene. There’s only a handful of pieces left, all in the sky area. He waits for Nesta to be ready to speak.

After several moments of working in silence, she says, “My sisters have never really accepted me the way I am. I used to think Elain did back when we were kids, but then I stopped prioritizing her and she stopped understanding.”

Cassian knows Elain is pissed that her once-closest sister no longer cares to talk to her. But what he wants to know is why Nesta stopped answering her calls. Why she pulled away and went into isolation, and wouldn’t come out for anyone until a few short months ago.

Nesta clears her throat. “I was not a well-adjusted kid. I’m not a well-adjusted adult, either, but—I was even worse in my youth. I had a deadbeat dad, who I hated while my sisters adored him. I hated the life we had to live because of him, and I let that hate seep everywhere. Into everything and everyone else.” She blows out a breath and shakes her head. “There was no place closer to hell than that fucking one-bedroom apartment. I hated the person I was in that place—like I had no control over my emotions, my tantrums, my entire self. I was stuck in this childlike state of rage and I couldn’t move on, couldn’t grow up.

“No one could figure out what was wrong with me, so I had to take care of my issues myself. I read more books, I went out more often, I always had headphones in—I learned how to escape. I learned how to limit the destruction. Once I did that, I could care for Elain more openly. I could have civil conversations with Feyre, too. That’s where we went wrong, I think. I gave Feyre hope that I could be a better person, and once she latched onto it, she refused to let go.” Nesta picks at the sleeves of her knit sweater. “She never understood that I was cold and removed just because I was. She always had this belief that deep down, I secretly had a heart of gold and a shit ton of love to give. I never bothered telling her she was wrong, so her expectations of me grew. And so did Elain’s. And then I graduated high school.” She shrugs.

Cassian frowns. “That’s when you left your family and moved here?”

She nods. “The distance helped. For a short time, I thought I was free. No responsibilities or people to answer to. But then I met Tomas—my ex—and Feyre and Elain followed me to Colorado not long after my dad died. And even then I stayed optimistic, because most people would be lucky to have their sisters and boyfriend all in the same place. I thought I could finally have all the relationships a normal person my age was supposed to have if I just put in the effort.” She meets Cassian’s eyes. “I never told you much about Tomas, did I?”

His stomach sinks, but he shakes his head.

“It was not a fun first love. But the only reason I didn’t tell you about it earlier was because I didn’t know how to describe it myself.” She rubs her palms down her thighs, but it isn’t enough to hide their tremble.

“I know what to call it now,” Nesta says. “It was abusive.”

Cassian says nothing. He can’t. But his hands curl into hard fists under the coffee table.

“Lana made me work up to using that word.” She rolls her eyes, like the whole thing annoys and embarrasses her. “He was abusive: physically, verbally, emotionally. I’m not going to go into the details or anything, but it’s what was happening to me during those college years that my sisters needed me to be there for them.”

Cassian would never in a thousand years ask Nesta for information she isn’t ready to give, but in that moment he’s overwhelmed with the need to know everything—every little thing that’s ever been done to her, so he can draw up a list and exact calculated revenge for all of it. His voice is rough against the lump in his throat, out of fury or despair he doesn’t know. “Nesta…”

“I promise I’m almost done.” She holds up a hand.

Take your time. Tell me everything.

“This isn’t about him,” Nesta says. “This is about my sisters. Because even if I hadn’t been stupid enough to let that man waste almost four years of my life, I would have ended up in the same place with Feyre and Elain. They’d still be disappointed when they realized I couldn’t be what they wanted me to be.” She wraps her arms around herself in a hug, and Cassian wishes he’d sat beside her so those could be his arms.

She shakes her head. “I did my best so I wouldn’t be cooped up with them, wouldn’t be lashing out at them… and it still wasn’t enough. They wanted me to be nice, friendly, talkative. So I tried doing that too, even though I hated it. But around the same time things with Tomas started to get unbearable, Feyre found Rhysand and you guys. So now I had to hang out with my sister while she had a group of strangers constantly surrounding her, and go back home to a man who hated me at the end of the day.” She looks up at Cassian then, and her blue-gray gaze hits him with the force of a truck. “As soon as Feyre moved away to Velaris, I saw my way out. I finally broke up with Tomas. I gave up on all my relationships and I let go, and I don’t care if you or anyone else thinks it’s pathetic, or the bare minimum. It’s all I had to give.”

Cassian swallows roughly, unable to find his words. “It’s not pathetic, Nesta,” he finally says. “There’s nothing pathetic about doing what doesn’t come easily to you.”

There’s a million other things he needs to say to her, to make sure that she knows she isn’t stupid, or embarrassing, or not enough. But it all floats right out of his head when she heaves a big, dramatic sigh, as if a great weight has been lifted off her chest. As if Cassian’s measly words were all she needed to hear to feel alright.

She snatches up the final remaining puzzle piece and clicks it into place. “And we’re done,” she declares.

Cassian looks down at the table between them, which is now fully lit by the beaming morning sun outside. His eyes land on an empty space near the corner of the landscape, and his face falls. “There’s a piece missing,” he says.

“No way, where?” Nesta leans closer.

Cassian is already on his hands and knees, checking under and around the table for the missing piece.

“This is all your fault,” Nesta is saying above him. “You bumped into the table that time we were making out and all those pieces went flying.”

“Well, how fucking far could it have gone? Help me find it.” He’s serious now, searching the floor with intent. They can’t leave the puzzle unfinished. It was the only thing he could find in his garage all those months ago that could distract Nesta from anticipating her MRI results. And after the diagnosis, it had been a way to lift her mood, to give the two of them an excuse to spend every evening together—

“Sweetheart, it’s just a puzzle.”

Cassian sits up straight at that. “Just a puzzle?” He narrows his eyes at her.

“Well, it’s either that or an overextended metaphor for our relationship—are you crying?”

“No.” He blinks quickly. If there’s wetness there, he doesn’t know how Nesta glimpsed it.

He’s had a hard twelve hours. Nesta even more so. “I just feel really bad, about last night and everything else.” Because even if she acts like what she just spilled to him isn’t a big deal, he’ll never forget it.

He looks up to find Nesta laughing. Hand-over-her-mouth cackling. Before he can ask what’s wrong with her, she’s climbing up onto the coffee table, breaking up the puzzle and sending pieces scattering as she crawls across it. “Nesta—” he starts to protest.

She drops into his lap, winding her arms and legs around his powerful body. And she leans in and kisses him, long and deep and sweet. His hands settle into the curve of her hips, where they’ve always fit perfectly.

She breaks the kiss to fit her palm to his cheek. “I’m sorry,” she says. She never says that. “I didn’t mean to make you upset.” Her lips quirk up teasingly, but real guilt from the night before lingers in her eyes. Cassian realizes in that moment that Nesta could never hurt anybody more than she hurts herself.

“Don’t waste your apologies on me.” He nudges her nose with his. “Save them for people who’ll actually need to hear them.”

A real smile starts to bloom on her face. “I’ll try.”

Pride and love take his breath away, but he manages to say, “Thank you. For sharing so much of yourself with me.”

She makes an embarrassed noise and waves him off, but emotion shines in her eyes. Just to spare her, Cassian changes the subject. “Now what in the world are you wearing?”

She glances down at herself, frowning. “You don’t like it?”

“I love it.” The sweater looks hand knit, bright red with a green Christmas tree in the center. Balls of colorful fuzz decorate the tree as ornaments. “I want you to wear it every day,” he says.

“Over my dead body. I’d rather you help me take it off.”

Nesta’s hips feel especially snug against his as heat rushes to his crotch. She smirks like she caught him on a hook and leans in to whisper, “You look tired. Did you stay up thinking about my dress last night?”

Cassian swallows roughly. It might have crossed his mind a few times—not just the dress, but the fact that she had picked it out for him. He didn’t know that Nesta cared about things like that.

She rubs a thumb under his weary and reddened eyes. “After your anger faded, did you think about all the make-up sex we were going to have? Because I did.”

“Nesta,” he groans, dropping his head to rest against her chest. Either she plays him too well or he’s too easy to play, because Cassian is half a second away from damning everything to hell and dragging her to the living room carpet.

Until Nesta’s stomach growls loudly.

That’s when he remembers: it’s Christmas morning, he’s with the love of his life, and they’re both starving and sleep-deprived.

He looks up to find her eyes screwed shut in frustration. Before she can protest, he warns, “Don’t even think about it.” He pats her thighs. “Let’s get some food in you.”

***

Cassian makes them chocolate chip pancakes, and Nesta, feeling clingier than usual today, hangs piggyback off his body the entire time he cooks. She hasn’t slept in almost twenty-four hours, yet she feels like she was born anew this morning.

In the middle of breakfast, Cassian’s phone vibrates. He hardly even glances at it before turning it over.

“Who was it?” Nesta asks through a mouthful of pancakes. She hasn’t asked him about how his own night went, but she expects that his friends will want to call and talk to him at some point today.

“Feyre,” he says without looking at her. “She asked where I went last night.”

“Why’re you ignoring her?” She raises a brow.

Cassian looks a little surprised. “I thought we were mad at her.”

“No.” Nesta sets her fork down. “I’m mad at her. What’s your excuse?”

He shrugs. “Solidarity. I’m mad that you had your Christmas Eve ruined. I know what it took you just to show up there.”

“You’re the only one that knows.” Nesta supposes that not everything has been cleared up with Cassian after all. “Listen,” she tries to soften her blunt tone. “Whatever is between me and my sisters… you don’t need to concern yourself with it. You’ll never have to choose sides between us.”

He watches her closely, carefully. “Even if I want to defend my girlfriend?”

Her stomach flutters at that inconsequential word, but she doesn’t show it. “Even then. Feyre looks at you like an older brother. I’m sure Elain does too, a little bit. Don’t let me get in the way of that.” He probably feels guilty every time he texts Feyre, the loyal bastard.

Cassian looks at his plate, then nods resolutely. “I can do that.” He adds a moment later, “For what it’s worth, I do get where the girls are coming from. Even if they had a shit way of going about it.” His eyes darken as he remembers.

Nesta doesn’t know what he was told about the fight, but she chuckles at his moody face anyway. “I expected you to. You’ve always loved spending time with your family, and you’ve never known anything different. But the reality is this: the closeness you have between you and your brothers isn’t something that can be forced onto every group of siblings. And the more Feyre and Elain try to force it, the more I push against it.”

“It sounds stifling.” His face is open, understanding. “To feel like you’re always too much but never enough.”

Nesta pauses, stunned. Cassian is almost too empathetic sometimes, like he carries a thousand past lives within him. Maybe he spent his time learning Nesta by heart in those lives.

Or maybe she’s getting too damn sentimental. She chokes out a dismissive laugh, going back to her pancakes. “Just text Feyre back. Then we can have the rest of the day to ourselves.”

***

Late morning brings heavy snowfall and a chill that infiltrates the walls of the cabin. The Christmas tree in the living room is lit—something Cassian didn’t notice earlier when he came downstairs to find Nesta in his house. Realizing that she’s the one who lit it up first thing in the morning does something to his chest, but he pushes the feeling down where it can’t scare Nesta away.

The weight of the past day must finally catch up to her, though, because by the time Cassian finishes lighting the fireplace, she’s knocked out asleep on the couch.

“No makeup sex then, Nes?” he says softly. Getting up from the hearth, he goes to pull the fur couch throw over her body. Cassian settles at the end of the couch near her feet, taking care so she doesn’t wake, and picks up his laptop from the coffee table. He’s been slacking with his work ever since he got with Nesta, and he might as well catch up on it now before Rhysand takes notice.

The first email that pops up in his inbox is a corporate reminder about the annual New Year’s Eve fundraiser gala, hosted in some high-class hotel in Denver this year. Cassian reads the email once, twice, three times before reaching for his phone.

Rhys answers on the first ring. “Oh, so you don’t hate us,” he drawls.

“What?” Cassian is confused.

“Because with the way you’ve been acting at family events lately, one would have reason to think you don’t want to be around your family much.”

“Oh—no, this isn’t about that.” Cassian refuses to let Rhys linger on this topic. “I called about the New Year’s party.”

“What about it?” he says. “Other than that tacky hotel.”

Cassian decides to spit it out. “I’m not coming.”

Rhys is stunned silent over the line for a moment. “What do you mean, you’re not coming?” Cassian never misses company events, no matter how much he hates dressing up and driving out to the city to schmooze with donors.

But too many of his holidays have gone to Rhys instead of Nesta this year, and he finds himself unwilling to give more.

“I’ve been stressed as hell lately,” he lies, trying to stay quiet for Nesta. “I’m always the one driving hours to see everyone else, and I can’t go all the way out to Denver for another party. I’m sorry.”

“Bullshit,” Rhys responds. “You have nothing going on at work and nothing going on outside of it. What could you be stressed about?”

Cassian makes a mental note to find a hobby that doesn’t include his brothers, if only so he can use it as an excuse to spend time with his secret girlfriend in the future. For now, he has to settle with the truth. “I can’t tell you.”

It’s a petty card to play, but it’s a valid one. No matter how nosy his family might be, they know how to back off when a line is drawn, no explanation required.

Rhys’s voice softens. “Is it serious? Is it a health issue?”

Cassian nearly laughs, even though he feels bad for making Rhys worry. “No, nothing like that. But I still can’t come.”

“What can I do to make it easier for you?” Rhys tries again. “New Year’s isn’t the same without all of my family in one place.”

Cassian snorts. “Come over to my place then.” He says it half-jokingly, but then Rhys doesn’t answer, as if he’s thinking.

“The gala guest list is too big to fit in the cabin…” he ponders. “But I guess I could have it narrowed down at the last minute. The Mayfairs certainly won’t be happy about it, though.”

Cassian’s eyes widen, and he looks over at Nesta’s sleeping form. “Uh…” He scrambles for something to get him out of this.

“New Year’s at a luxury cabin, all of us reuniting at your home for the first time in months? I love it,” Rhys declares. “Better than fucking Denver, that’s for sure.”

Cassian coughs, then covers it up with a forced chuckle. “I’ll have the place ready by next week.”

The call is over before he knows it, and all he can do is stare at the phone in his hand wondering what the hell just happened.

You didn’t entirely lose, he thinks to himself. You’re spending New Year’s with Nesta.

Yeah—New Year’s with Nesta and his entire family. He drops his head back against the couch and groans quietly.

***

Nesta wakes up late in the afternoon to Cassian presenting her with a mug of eggnog and bad news about New Year’s Eve.

The idea of another party, especially one with her sisters present, so soon after the last one makes Nesta’s very bones ache. But she supposes she’ll just have to take the next week to recover and prepare, because she isn’t missing out on a holiday with Cassian for anything.

The way she’s started romanticizing simple things like the new year should probably alarm her, but it doesn’t.

They sit down to open presents with the TV playing lowly in the background. It’s nothing serious, and Nesta isn’t expecting to get anything much until she unwraps her present.

It’s a vinyl record packaged in an elaborate sleeve with the words Nesta’s Mix etched across it. She slowly pulls the record out of the sleeve, staring at it. “What’s this?”

“It’s called a vinyl.”

She spears him with a look. “I got that. What’s on it?”

Cassian turns sheepish, sprawled out across from her on the carpet. “I stalked your Spotify to figure out what you listen to. Then I made a playlist based off what I thought you’d like and got it turned into vinyl. It’s all new music…” He trails off at the look on her face. “But if you hate it, the B-side has your favorite songs on there. You can listen to it either way.”

“I don’t hate it.” Nesta blinks her burning eyes rapidly, staring down at the gift in her hands. She’s not used to receiving thoughtful gifts—or pricey ones. “Thank you,” she says plainly, trying to let her feelings speak for themselves in those two words. “I love it.” She knows she should be saying more, damn it, but what can she say?

Cassian reaches out to put a hand on her knee, his thumb stroking circles across her leg. She looks up at him and realizes she doesn’t need words. Leaning forward, she lands a kiss on his cheek and can only hope that it’s sufficient. “Where am I going to play it?” she asks.

“I was close to getting you a record player when I remembered I already have one. I’ve never used it in my life.” He looks at her more gently now. “So it’s basically yours.”

Nesta’s chest tightens painfully. Not because he’s giving the record player to her, but because he’s suggesting they own it together.

“My present is going to look so stupid next to yours,” she says quietly.

Cassian grins. “Now I really need to see it.”

Nesta buries her head in her hands in humiliation while he tears open the wrapping paper of his gift, and only looks up when she hears him laugh aloud.

He’s holding a copy of one of Nesta’s favorite romances, and the first of many of her books that he’s ever stolen from her and read. He turns the vintage paperback around in his hands. “I remember this one. I totally had a sex dream about it.” He gazes in reminiscence at the busty blonde on the cover.

Nesta snorts, but scoots closer to him eagerly. “Look inside.”

He flips it open to find dark scribbles along the margins, in every single margin.

“I annotated it,” Nesta says hesitantly. “With my thoughts and analysis on each scene. It’s probably dumb to critically analyze a ninetie’s erotica novel, but I thought you’d find it funny.”

Cassian is flipping through the pages more slowly now, taking his time to read each one. “I don’t think it’s funny,” he says after a moment, his eyes still on the book. “I think it’s more than anything I could have asked for.”

“Well, that’s a bit dramatic for a romance book—”

“Not the book.” He looks up at her with something in his eyes. “It’s all your thoughts.” He looks back at the book in wonder. “Written out for me in detail to keep.”

He starts to smirk, searching for a specific page. “I already know how you feel about the boat scene, but now I need to read about it.”

Nesta makes a noise of protest, grabbing for the book. “Don’t spoil the good parts yet.” She can hardly believe it. He finds her joke present good. “You always spoil the good parts first and get sad about it later.”

He makes a face. “True.” He lowers the book, growing serious. “Nesta.” He clears his throat, and her heart starts pounding. She can hear the words before he says them—

“You’re a really good gift giver.”

Nesta’s breath shudders out of her, in relief or disappointment she doesn’t know. Cassian is still staring at her in amazement, and she can only respond by throwing herself at him, her arms holding him tight.

He doesn’t falter under her weight, but pulls her closer. “Thank you,” he says into her ear.

She pulls back far enough to see him. His beautiful face is outlined with too many emotions for her to read, yet somehow she knows exactly what he’s feeling.

Overwhelmed, she leans in to place a soft kiss above his upper lip, then on his mouth. “Merry Christmas,” she whispers against his lips.

“Merry Christmas, Nesta.”

***

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[arty-e]

My Tudors series ‘review

Y’all asked for this so here comes my rant review about the Tudors:

TW: Rape mentions

First things first let’s address the biggest elephant in the room and that is the costumes. Holy shit series 1 was fucking painful with the costumes. At least they got the basic dress shape for the women but other than that the women costumes were painful to look at. The headdresses were the biggest crime of them all. There were no French hoods, at least no accurate French hoods. Also why were there so many sequences! What was going on with all that glitter!! Don’t get me started on the hair! One lady in waiting (Joan Bulmer) had a fucking bob! A bob! The men costumes weren’t great at the beginning but as the series went on they did improve quite a lot. I’m gonna give credit where credit is due and say it did improve as the series went on as a whole (but not by a lot).

Now that we’ve got the costumes complaints out the way lets actually talk about the ‘contents’ of the series. First of all why the fuck was Charles Brandon such a big deal in this?! He wasn’t as important as the series implied him to be. I feel they only added him so that there was a consistent character through out the show and who was at least a little likeable (tbf on Tudors the main people who played a part in actual Tudor history were often executed or removed at some point).

On the subject of Charles Brandon they did get one thing right; he did marry one of Henry’s sisters, Mary Tudor. However in the series he married Margaret Tudor which made no sense at all! It appears to me that they merged the two sisters together and merge I mean they had the Mary Tudor history then gave them Margret’s name. In actual history Mary Tudor married the old sickly King of France and when he died she then married Charles Brandon. However in the tudors she marries the old sickly king of Portugal???? And because she doesn’t want to remain married to him kills him????? I know why they did this because they had already showed the king of France (Francis) who was young at Field of Cloth and Gold episode so it would make little to no sense to have her marry him. But that leads into my next complaint, the timeline.

Several things in this show don’t make sense with historical context because it’s all jumbled up. A couple of examples here are Henry Fitzroy, they killed him off when he was six in this, he died when he was 17 just before Edward was born. Along with that they also made claim that the Act of Succession (the act allowed Mary and Elizabeth to become Queens after Edward) was passed before Henry had married parr. The whole reason the Act of Succession ever came to be was because Parr had helped reconcile Henry and his two daughters and pushed for him to legitimise them and be added to the line of succession after their brother. Those are just a couple of examples that stood out to me when it came to the timeline.

Also the way they Jane portrayed as an innocent type and a ‘perfect’ woman was also painful. She acts all sweet to Elizabeth when the real Jane only payed attention to Mary and called Elizabeth the Bastard.

Now for my biggest complaint; the heinous misogyny in this thing. The way they treated the female character in this was (in my opinion) worst than actual Tudor history. Women in this show were constantly objectified and the amount of sex scenes in this thing is fucking painful! Did nobody have anything better to do!? In series one they took away Anne Boleyn’s agency and made her a complete puppet of her uncle and father. Anne was a very intelligent and charismatic woman and you don’t see this at all. To be fair on Natalie Dormer she fought with the writers for Anne to be more than sex object for series 2 because she had done her own research on her and fought for Anne. By Series 2 Anne got a bit more agency but they made her somewhat cruel and failed to really show her charisma. Now alone with Anne they were unspeakably cruel for what they did to Katherine Howard. They literally called her prostitute and even an episode synopsis they out right  call her prostitute. She was an abused child and they decided to do that. Along with that they also make it look like that her claim that Francis Dereham raped her was a lie and that she was only saying to save herself. It was truly disgusting. I do appreciate them trying to strongly tell the audience that Katherine was just a child (act all excitable, have dancing around the place) but the rest of her story was handled extremely poorly.

Catherine Parr is my next big complaint. They practically stripped her of everything that made interesting and took away all achievements while married to Henry. Ive already talked about the Act of Succession so I won’t go into that again. They only briefly show her being Queen Regent while Henry is away fighting in France (they were much more focused on Henry’s war), also when she discovers that there is an arrest warrant after her she sits in her room and cries for ages until Henry comes in asking what its wrong. They took away her going to him and winning back her life from him. When Henry does forgive her he is asked by one of his servants if they shoulda top the warrant but he tells them not to all because he wants to catch Gardiner out! What bullshit is that!? They took away Catherine’s indolence and replaced with Henry out smarting his evil bishop!? Henry was too fucking thick to do!

So overall I found this so frustrating to watch from costume and historical inaccuracies to the misogynistic choices to strip the few of the most important women in English history of their agency and independence. It wasn’t the worst thing in the world but still it was really annoying. My advice is for you to watch Game of Thrones instead because then you don’t have to complain about inaccuracies because it’s all fantasy and doesn’t claim to be a historical drama. (Also Natalie Dormer is also in this)

also if you want a good Tudor drama then watch wolf hall. Costumes are amazing and its very well done (only complaint Cromwell is painted too well in it)

(Also Elizabeth needed WAY more screen time)

[dont-play-with-me-choices]

So I Played The Royal Finale Chapter 3...

What the fuck. What the fuck was that. What WAS that?!?

Well, let's start with the elephant in the room.

So, light-hearted first things first: the reveal of Liam's sister might accidentally be the funniest thing I've ever seen in this app. Why did they show us her face first like we were gonna know who the fuck she is. I was sitting there confused as shit like I might've forgotten someone. Idk why but that got me adjcb;kjda

But real talk, this was a extremely disappointing development, and I'd be lying if I said it was gonna negatively color my opinion for the foreseeable chapters. I was actually really excited to find out who was under the mask. An interesting new character is exactly was this seventh installment of a series needs to push to the finish line...

Keyword? Interesting, pixelberry!!! We've done the evil family member development 3 times at least. The most recent one was the whole plot of the last fucking book. Come ON now. And Liam's family... we've pushed and pulled every fucking Rys family member we could already. But ugh, whatever, bitching won't change that, here we are with... Lena.

I'm really hating how flippant the MC was this chapter, as well. For the first two chapters it felt like it was understood that we (the player AND the main cast) have been through too much bullshit to even pretend to have faith in any Via Imperii nonsense. But suddenly we get Liam's surprise sister in a murderous mercenary army, and MC tries the "let's be besties" route??? Are you kidding me??? We're teasing her???? I want answers! Where were the options to treat her like an enemy!

And speaking of enemies turned besties....

WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE DOING TO OLIVIA

Why, why, oh fucking why are we forced to box her out like this. This is almost insultingly stupid. How is this supposed to protect her? And from what! The Via Imperii already know who she is! I wanted to scream when I saw this, and if this comes back around to where we suspect Olivia for anything, only for it to be her working on the sidelines (bc we BOXED HER OUT) I'm gonna scream for real. I swear on a giant hat. My playchoices peeps on the east coast will hear it.

I do not like this Lena development. The fact that the former queen died with child was powerful. It made Liam's pain in the previous storylines a little more heartbreaking. So that's been royally fucked up, and for what? What good does it do that we've got yet another friend in the group grappling with "difficult family emotions" AGAIN? Fuck, everyone's getting a little bit of that in the finale! Hana and her mom (actually... did we just forget about that? Hana romancers, lemme know if there was any more talk for you guys, cuz I got bupkus), Drake and Bastien got beef, this now with Liam, Maxwell... well, he already got his, actually. But you get the point.

I do not see this becoming an interesting story anytime soon. I might be a bit bitter, but we've been playing the "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" game for fucking EVER. From what we've got so far, PB has set up a finale of cheap "gotcha" plot twists, "surprise" betrayals to spice things up but will only upend previous story lines, and dumbed down MC worse than ever before to make it all fit together.

Onwards to chapter 4, I suppose.

Bonus thoughts and memes:

I'm a Maxwell romancer, and I planned on restarting the series once TRF ended to romance Liam properly. And right now I find it hilarious that because of this mess, I am doomed to deal with "evil super surprise family member" no matter where I go. Hello Liam. Welcome to the club!

My "Straight Danger" senses are tingling between Drake and Lena. I can't help it. It's probably nothing! But PB loves enemies to lovers as much as they suck at writing them, and bringing in a badass female Liam "parallel" when people have been pointing out how close and important the guys are to each other since this story fucking started, in order to say that's just as good??? Look me in the eyes and say that's not a textbook PB move.

THAT BEING SAID. If they pull a fucking hail mary in the final book and finally let me hook up Drake, who's literally chomping at the bit to protect Liam this chapter, and our resident King Oblivious...

I am weak and spineless. I will forgive all sins. This will be the best book on the planet. yes i know they wont do that let me DREAM lol

I didn't realize that I had this screenshot from chapter 2 when Lena first shows up. The pic file is titled "umm.jpg" on my computer, which I think is pretty funny.

Goes to show how shocked I was to see such a striking get-up in the royal finale. Her faceless, nameless grunt dialogue kinda gave me endless summer vibes w/ Lundgren's men. Guess I was dealing with some high hopes....

Those old family traditions were to attempt a coup, and continued by honor, pride, and self-improvement! Put some respect on my besties name, Linda!

If you want my crazy thought? I think Lena's role should've been Liam's brother (Leo? Lysanderoth? I didn't even romance him in RoE 16 thousand years ago, so I don't even remember) Leo could've been tricked into joining the Via Imperii as a young impulsive prince. They don't fuck with him, but he got older and realized that he's given an in to Cordonia that could doom them all. That's why he fucks around in the Mediterranean by RoE- he's staying away for his family's safety. It's barely even be a retcon, since all he actually says in RoE is that he hated the pressure! Maybe that pressure was the royal murder cult! We could've had some spice here! But... we've got Lena. So let's see where this goes.

(final note: I think this is how i'll be formatting all my chapter notes for all future releases, so eventually I'll pin a master post to this blog as a directory. When I write up my thoughts about the first two chapters of this, I'll update this post with a link!)

[eldritchamy]

I watched “Happiest Season” and no it fucking wasn’t.

Here’s a review so you don’t have to suffer like I did: if I wasn’t watching it as the host of a movie night, I would not have made it past 20-30 minutes in.

It was very uncomfortable to watch.  I feel like I just spent two hours on a plane with a crying baby.  Except the baby was a homophobic rich white Republican that I was forced to campaign for.  All of the people I watched it with, including myself, found it stressful, anxiety inducing, and deeply unpleasant.  The first thing I did when it was over was warn my best friend not to watch it.

90% of the movie is rich white straight people drama forcing lesbians into the closet.  It’s not fun.  It’s not happy.  It wasn’t enjoyable.  At all.  Watching this was an uncompromisingly depressing and miserable experience.

It was marketed as a romantic comedy and it was neither of those things.   I feel repressed for having seen it.  

Every relationship in this movie is toxic and hard to watch, with the sole exception of two other characters who aren’t part of the family both having much better chemistry with Kristen Stewart’s character than her girlfriend.

Aubrey Plaza playing Gay Aubrey Plaza one of two redeeming things in the movie and she’s in it for about ten minutes, and even one of her scenes was hard for me to sit through (the awkward and dubiously written drag bar scene)  The other 90 minutes are agonizingly drawn out and unbearable.

If you are determined to support this movie because god knows we need more (and MUCH better) representation and we live in a hellscape where money is the only way to ask for such things, press play on it and then take out your headphones and go read a book instead until it’s over.

For your own sake please do not watch this.  

I genuinely can’t tell who it’s even FOR.  If anything about this movie resonates with you, I am SORRY to hear that, because you are probably the lesbian daughter of a very rich white man running for office as a Republican, and watching any of the rich housewife reality shows probably gives you PTSD because those are the kind of people you grew up with.  

And even IF that is the case, spare yourself the trauma of watching your own life and watch something else instead.  This movie will only hurt you.

Nothing about the experience of seeing this was worth it.

Plot spoilers ahead.

The plot is as follows:

Abby (Kristen Stewart) loves her girlfriend Harper (Mackenzie Davis).  But she does not love Christmas.  After a night out together, Harper asks her to join her when she visits her family for the holidays.  Abby says yes, and gets her gay male friend John (that guy from Schitt’s Creek) to cover pet sitting for her. While running a few errands with him, she goes to pick up an engagement ring which looks completely unattainable for a woman who makes a living as a pet sitter.

When they are almost to Harper’s family’s home, she awkwardly brings up that she lied about coming out to them earlier in the year.  They still don’t know she’s gay and they have to make sure the family is perfect and scandal free because her dad is running for mayor or something and one of his donors? campaign manager? is going to be there.  So they have to pretend Abby is her straight roommmate.  They fight about it before Abby very reluctantly agrees.  This is a pattern that repeats until Abby can’t take any more.

The family is like upper-class-Republican terrible.  They are AWFUL people.  The parents treat their children like trophies in a display case, and the children all feel forced into brutal competition with each other to see who the parents will actually be proud of.  One of Harper’s sisters (Jane) is actually an okay person who does nothing wrong, but she’s an aspiring writer who has spent 10 years not finishing her book and she’s played like she belongs in a different movie, and it feels like she’s meant to be seen as the useless layabout sibling, in a cruelly funny way.  

The other sister is a nightmare of a woman (Sloane? I think?) played by a completely unrecognizable Allison Brie.  She’s a lawful evil cutthroat monster who is straight up VICIOUS to the other two, and is especially terrible to Harper, because neither of them even see Jane as competition.  Her own family is the thing she uses to try to be worthy of her parents’ pride and affection.  

The dad is focused entirely on his campaign and is more or less indifferent to all of them unless they aren’t “presentable” and “scandal free” enough to keep his potential donor/campaign manager satisfied, in which case he “expects better of them” until they behave.  The children are like 30.  

The mom is maybe the worst of all of them.  She’s invasive, ignorant in that forceful way where she doesn’t give a shit about anything except her own bubble of reality that she thinks she’s living in and blows past any contradiction to it like it’s not even there, nitpicky about what everyone’s doing, is willfully out of touch with everything she’s told (Abby’s parents died when she was 19, and she spends the movie acting like she thinks Abby grew up in an orphanage made of dirt and never had a Christmas before).  And she will not leave the two of them alone.  She insists it’s ridiculous for two grown women to share a bedroom and gives Abby a room without a lock in a basement that’s bigger than my whole house, while Harper’s room is upstairs.  Everyone is constantly barging into Abby’s room with less than two seconds of notice, which leads to the kind of tension and awkwardness you’d expect.  The first morning, Abby wakes up to Sloane’s children staring at her.

Abby is clearly MISERABLE.  And so are you, because you’re watching this movie.  Abby and Harper are constantly pushed apart by the family, and Harper pushes Abby away while pretending to be perfect and straight for her family.

Her family invited Harper’s ex boyfriend, who thinks they should rekindle things.  Super fun thing that I always love to see in my lesbian media.

While out at dinner, Abby and Harper have another mini fight in the bathroom.  Harper promises she had no idea Connor(?) was going to be there and that there won’t be any more surprises.  They walk out of the bathroom, right into Harper’s OTHER ex, her first girlfriend Riley (Aubrey Plaza, who literally just plays herself and is the only good thing about the movie).

This is the first 20 minutes.

There’s a party that leaves Abby feeling isolated and pushed away.  She goes outside to make a phone call.  She makes regular texts and phone calls to John for support and advice throughout the movie.  He’s terrible at taking care of fish, but he’s genuinely a good friend to her and it’s clear he cares about her a lot.  It’s probably unfair not to say his friendship is the second redeeming thing in the movie.  After Abby gets off the phone with him the first time, Riley comes out from around the corner and tries to be nice, saying she could relate to what she’s going through.  Abby kind of closes off from her and she takes the hint without any fuss and leaves her alone.

The movie slogs on with compounding stress and anxiety and a moment when Abby is LITERALLY forced to hide in a closet and pretend she was sleepwalking on her way to Harper’s bedroom at night.  It MIGHT have been an attempt at a joke?  I’m genuinely not sure because I did not come close to laughing once in the entire 100 minutes of this nightmare.  Harper instead sneaks into Abby’s room while she’s awkwardly trying to get away from Harper’s mom.  That’s where the gifs of the sneak-snuggle from behind the door come from.  Enjoy the gifs because everything that wasn’t giffed is not worth seeing.  Harper spends the night there.

Bright and early, Harper’s mom comes knocking on the door, trying to open it and barge in again but Abby blocked the door with something heavy claiming it was to “keep her from sleepwalking again” (her excuse for being in the closet) while Harper frantically gets almost-dressed and hides behind the door as BOTH parents come to bother them, and the evil sister’s children see her partially dressed through the crack in the door.

Later that day Abby has to go shopping for a present for the “White Elephant” Harper didn’t warn her about.  She bumps into Sloane at the mall, who dumps her kids off on her before quickly leaving.  The kids very intentionally frame Abby for shoplifting by putting a necklace in her bag, and there’s a really awkward and uncomfortable scene with her being interrogated by overly forceful mall cops who are yelling at her.  When she finally gets back to the house, Harper’s entire family now thinks she’s a criminal.

Abby spends the night alone during another (campaign?) party that Harper told her she’d probably be happier getting left out of, and she bumps into Riley on the street and gets to talking with her, still more frustrated by Harper and her family.  She says she needs some alcohol, Riley takes her to a drag bar which gave me really bad vibes and bonds with her there, telling her a bit about her relationship with Harper.  They dated secretly (obviously) in their first year of high school (which implies she knew she was gay before she dated Connor, and used him as a cover).  They would sneak each other romantic notes.  When someone found one in Harper’s locker, she threw Riley under the bus completely, outed her, and said she was obsessed with her so she could go on pretending to be straight.  They bond a bit and seem like they could be friends, at a minimum.  They have a few more scenes together over the next hour (yeah there’s still that much movie left, and if you’re wondering how it could be that bad, you’re welcome for the warning, because I was wondering that too) and they have better chemistry than Abby and Harper by miles.

Eventually Abby becomes so miserable she checks the movie-specific version of Uber to try to go home by herself, but it’s running at holiday rates so it would cost over $1000 for her to leave.  She’s still tempted to do it, and calls John again for advice and says she feels awful, completely alone, and with no way out of this horrible situation.  He gives her some more friendly support.

Abby still needs a White Elephant gift, but has no way to go by herself because Harper drove them there.  So she calls Riley to go with her.  They spend a day hanging out together while Harper is doing some other thing with her dad’s campaign, and Abby makes text excuses to Harper, who then immediately sees Riley and Abby walking by on the street together.  Before she gets a chance to run out and say something, she gets interrupted by something I thankfully don’t remember (I long for the moment this is true of the rest of it).

Riley and Abby bond some more but nothing romantic happens.  The plot only wants them to be good friends, even though their chemistry is really good.

At the end of the day Abby comes in and Harper immediately almost starts a fight with her but they get interrupted again somehow.

I have willed most of the next 20 minutes out of my mind, apparently.

There’s yet another party at this gigantic house because I hate the rich, Abby and Riley talk more.  This is the one with the really gay outfit.  Abby admits to Riley that she was planning on proposing to Harper, but at this point it’s like she’s a completely different person and she can’t tell who the real Harper is.  Riley says it’s probably both of them.

SURPRISE JOHN IS HERE.  He comes in the front door and calls for Abby.  After Abby’s last phone call he arranged for his therapist to do the pet sitting and he drove all the way here just so he could take her home.  Seriously, John has incredible Good Friend Energy.  Yet more awkwardness ensues, while John mixes some awkward flirting with Connor into his poor attempt to come off as straight.  Abby then walks right up to Harper, says “we’re done” and goes to grab some things to leave.  Harper follows her into the room and tries to get her to stay, Abby says she can’t take the hiding and the general misery, the whole experience has been terrible and she’s not sure if Harper is the person she thought she was.  Harper argues for her to stay and says she’s caught between being afraid of losing her family if she comes out and knowing she’ll lose Abby if she doesn’t.  She promises to come out to them as soon as the holidays are over because Abby is more important to her.  They kiss briefly and realize Sloane is in the doorway.

Sloane tries to run to tell the rest of the family because burning Harper’s reputation forever means she’ll be the one their parents love most.  They fight in the many hallways of this stupidly enormous rich people house (this is when “Stay out of it, Sappho” happens) and on the way to ruin her sister’s life Sloane finds her husband making out with another ....campaign person? in the pantry and or closet which is big enough to fit two people inside.   Now Harper has something to use against Sloane.  This family is fucking horrible.  Sloane gets to where everyone else is first, and outs Harper.

Harper tries to swear she’s not gay, and sees Abby watching her.  She silently turns and walks out the door with John.  Harper then grabs a giant painting that Jane spent 100 hours on for the white elephant and smashes it over Sloane’s head and yells at her before falling apart.

Abby and John have another heartfelt conversation where John asks how she came out to her parents, and she said they loved and supported her.  Then he said his dad kicked him out on the street and didn’t talk to him for thirteen years.  He says everyone’s story is different, and Harper was still going through hers, and it was a hard one.  I THINK he acknowledges that if Abby doesn’t feel like she belongs in that story, she shouldn’t force herself to?  But that might have been wishful hindsight.  Abby comes back into the house to grab her things and leave, Harper comes out to her family right in front of her, Abby says it was too late and leaves anyway.  Harper is crushed and the rest of the family starts to see how fucked up they all are.

And then in the span of 7 fucking minutes the parents realize they were shitty to Sloane and Harper and the only reason Jane turned out okay is because they gave up on her, they give a minimal apology to their children, who also realize they were shitty to each other, and then it’s the next day and Abby is there with them, Harper has the ring on her finger, and everyone is magically happy now because the dad turned down his campaign advisor who said she could still work with him if he kept Harper’s “problem” a secret.

Jane’s book becomes a best seller and she’s friends with John now, because he was the only person who seemed genuinely interested in her passion.  He sits next to her at her book signing.  The end.

No, I’m not kidding.

As soon as it was over, I thought, wow that felt like a rushed happy ending that got slapped onto the end with nothing building up to or deserving it.

After further consideration, that gives it too much credit.

Because honestly? after the first hour and thirty five minutes of this hell, Abby and Harper being together at the end is not even something I would consider a happy ending.  I wasn’t satisfied at all.  It DEFINITELY felt like Abby ending up with Riley would have been a better movie.

If I had been told beforehand that a lesbian romcom starring Kristen Stewart and Mackenzie Davis, and featuring Aubrey Plaza as Gay Aubrey Plaza would have been an absolutely miserable experience that was hard to sit through and nothing but unpleasant to watch, I would probably have been shocked and disappointed.  

But at least I would have not seen this movie.  That is my gift to you.  Please do NOT watch this.

It was marketed as a romantic comedy and it lived up to neither of those claims.  Absolutely terrible movie.  The happiest season of all is one where you don’t watch this stressful, uncomfortable disaster.

[reyesstrand]

Hi!! Hope you're doing well 😊 Whenever you feel inspired, I would love to see your rendition of #1 or #4 (or both, whatever you're feelin' 😏) for the physical affection prompts 😁

hi!! i hope you’re doing well too!! i went with #4 for this one, because once the idea was in my head i couldn’t escape it. i hope you enjoy! 💗

all prompts are from this list. also available on ao3!

It’s a mostly quiet morning in the firehouse, and TK moves on auto-pilot as he strolls from the bunks to the kitchen. His mind’s been elsewhere recently, anyway—he scrubs a hand down his face with a little sigh, digging through the cabinet for a mug. 

He spends several moments just letting his thoughts stew, pinching the bridge of his nose as the machine heats up. When it’s ready, he stares off into the distance, letting the heat from the mug seep through to his palms. 

“Alright,” Marjan says, appearing out of nowhere and nearly making TK spill his coffee. “Spill.” 

“I literally have no idea what you’re talking about, Marj,” TK replies, leaning against the counter. She gestures toward the espresso machine and he side-steps to the right, giving her access. 

“The elephant in the room?” Marjan presses, cocking a sculpted brow at him. She pokes him in the cheek, and he playfully swats at her hand. “The way you’ve been looking a little blue for almost two weeks, while refusing to say anything to us?” 

TK sighs, staring down at his coffee, swirling it around gently. “Is it that obvious?”

Marjan just levels him with a look. 

“Okay, okay,” TK places his coffee on the counter and crosses his arms over his chest. “I just—I miss him.” 

“Carlos?” Marjan asks, curling her fingers around the pale green mug she chooses. 

TK nods. He taps his fingers nervously against his bicep, before continuing. “It’s been a week. And we’ve been texting, and I know there’s Facetime but—”

“—it isn’t the same,” Marjan concludes, meeting his eyes. TK just sighs and nods again. “I’m sorry, man.” 

“It’s okay,” TK sighs, rubbing the back of his neck, offering her a small smile as he sighs exasperatedly. “I’ve gone through worse and survived.” 

“Don’t remind me,” Marjan rolls her eyes, though she still reaches forward and squeezes his arm. 

TK smiles softly at her. "But uh, I'm more worried about him, you know? He's going through so much and I can't be with him."

"I'm sure he knows that you're there for him," Marjan says, in that confident way of hers that seems to calm his nerves no matter what. "Hey, how about we get boba after shift? My treat."

“Well, I can’t turn that down, can I?” TK smiles softly at her, and she grins. 

“Nope. It’d be breaking the rules of our friendship,” Marjan moves closer to wrap an arm around him in a half hug. 

It feels nice, the brief moment of physical touch. But he’d be lying if he said it didn’t make him long for Carlos more. 

* * *

Carlos had gotten the call exactly fifteen days ago, while they were cooking dinner. 

Well—Carlos had been cooking dinner. TK was attempting to help. His boyfriend had come up behind him and kissed just under his ear before his phone started ringing, and TK was left feeling the tiniest bit dazed as he waited for what felt like forever for the pot of water he was supposed to be watching to start boiling. 

The minutes slowly ticked on and TK started snacking on some of the spare veggies Carlos had chopped up, glancing around and taking in the personal touches to Carlos’ kitchen: the little statuettes and candles and potted plants. He’s positioned himself in front of the various photographs stuck to the fridge, taking in the faces that pop up again and again, the people that TK wants so desperately to meet one day. 

He’d heard footsteps approaching and glanced over his shoulder, his smile immediately falling when taking in Carlos’ expression. TK had immediately crossed the room, curling an arm around his boyfriend’s middle. 

And that’s when he’d found out the news: that Carlos’ father was sick, that his sisters think he should get home, that tomorrow would be ideal. TK wished so badly he could go with his boyfriend to comfort him, but what kind of introduction would that be? 

“It’ll be okay,” TK had said, the only thing he could think of, holding Carlos as tight as he could. “I’m here for you.” 

* * * 

Four days later, it’s officially the longest they’ve been apart since getting together. 

TK misses him all the time, with his whole damn being. He’s thankful for his job because it keeps his mind occupied, and the team’s always around to keep him distracted. He’s been getting text updates pretty frequently, and this morning the best news came: that Carlos’ dad had improved enough to go home from the hospital, and his boyfriend would be home any day now. 

And so he’s understandably more jittery than usual, eyes trained on the clock on the wall, trying to keep himself busy by wiping down the rig. 

It means that he isn’t looking when his boyfriend strolls through the open bay door, waving to Marjan and Paul; it means that when he hears two gentle knocks against the panelling of the truck below him, he jumps the slightest bit, before meeting Carlos’ eyes from where he looks up at him. 

“Holy shit,” he gets out, immediately throwing his rag somewhere he doesn’t care to notice. 

Carlos huffs out a laugh. “Hey, Ty.” 

TK’s back on solid ground and has launched himself into Carlos’ arms before he gets another word out. It causes his boyfriend to stagger back a few steps, though his arms curl around him just as quickly. 

“Are you okay?” TK asks, reluctantly pulling back from the hug, dragging his hands up to rest on either side of Carlos’ face. “How’s your family doing?” 

“They’re good,” Carlos says, looking a little tired but less stressed than he’s seemed to be for weeks. He exhales, and it looks like weight lifts from his shoulders. “I’m good. Glad to see you.” 

TK bites the inside of his cheek, and drags his thumb along Carlos’ jawline. “I’m glad to see you too.” 

“He was moping around like a sad puppy, Reyes,” Paul yells from the other side of the bay. 

“Rude!” TK playfully yells back, Carlos slowly pulling him closer as he laughs.

“Well, I missed you more than I’ve ever missed anyone, so,” Carlos murmurs, mostly into TK’s hair.

“Dork,” TK whispers, before finally giving in and kissing his boyfriend, teasing cheers from his teammates be damned. 

When they pull back, TK settles into his side, feeling more at home than anywhere else in the world. 

[gabrieldrawsstuff]

Aight fellas, I'm doing a list of canon descriptions of dw characters for future reference, might do a second part with more minor characters

SPOILER ALERT OBV

STRANGER

-THE JOURNAL : "Somehow I'm wearing a coat, so I must've changed my clothes on my way here. I don't recognize myself anymore. I can barely hold this pencil. Has my body changed?"

-DOCTOR : "I see you haven't regained your speech. You need to find another doctor."

-SNAIL : "Your face... What happened to you?

The snail's jaw falls so low, it almost detaches itself from the rest of the body.

You scared me... You barely resemble a human... You should cover yourself..."

SNAIL : "You're so ugly, I feel like puking... You barely resemble a human being..."

THE CRIPPLE : "You, lad. You've got your hands and legs. Strong arms. I beg you!"

MAMA ELEPHANT : "Can't you speak? Did someone take away your voice?"

MAMA ELEPHANT : "Your gob looks like that because of this fiendish air, do you know? I bet you can't speak, because you didn't keep your mouth shut when walking through the woods."

MAMA ELEPHANT : "(...) I know you want something, you leper demon."

MUSHROOM GRANNY : "(...) But you're young and strong."

CHICKEN LADY : "Whaddaya need, poor soul? Hungry, eh? I'd give ya some stew, but what good will it do?"

(I think in polish version it was closer to 'how will you eat it' although I can't be sure)

MIRROR : "You are one ugly bastard. I guess you got what you deserved."

MUSICIAN : "This is our doctor, yes? He is just as brave and good as you are!"

MUSICIAN : "You're not af-fraid of anything!"

WOLFMAN : "Even from afar I can smell your putrid stench. Be glad I don't have an appetite for carcasses, Meat"

WOLFMAN : (after the church dream sequence) "Meat, what's with the big eyes? Hehe... Scared?"

WOLFMAN : (when you nod to a question if you're making a joke of him) "You're a brave piece of meat... and what's more important, one with a sense of humor. 

WOLFMAN : "Are you pretending to be human, or are you just cracking jokes?"

WOLFMAN : "You look tired, Meat. Busy night?"

WOLFMAN : "Have fun, Meat... Just remember to hide that disaster of a face or it's no dancing for you"

WOLFMAN : (when you spare the sow) "My heart sings with joy when I see such selfless kindness. Tell me the truth, Meat. It was you, wasn't it?"

vvvvv

TRADER

-A man, roughly my size, is standing before me.

I can barely make out his disturbingly familiar features through the matte visor of his helmet...

The massive helmet is covered with an old sack and seems to be an integral part of the unnaturally pale body.

-The man reaches out to me with his black hand. It's covered in charcoal... There's something written on his worn, woolen glove.

-Visibly struggling, the man drops the sack from his back and bends in half, as if out of breath. He shakes the dust off his clothes, then rolls up the sleeve of his, seemingly too small, jacket. 

-The old sack covering his body slides down, revealing his chest, covered in horrid growths. It is fused with a porous helmet, pulsating to the rhythm of his breath.

vvvvv

WOLFMAN

THE JOURNAL: "If I'm not delusional, the man whom I met... had the head of a wolf."

FIRST ENCOUNTER: The figure hides its face under the hood. It smells of wet soil and fur.

WOLFMAN: "(...)I barely believe my beautiful eyes... (...) The Wolf smiles, revealing a row of sharp teeth.

AT BARN RUINS: The Wolf makes a quick leap and, bouncing against me with his swollen belly, he puts his paws on my shoulders. He ostentatiously licks his face. (...)

-I notice fresh bloodstains on his fur and feel streaks of his saliva dripping onto my coat. 

-The Wolf takes two steps back. I can only see a row of filthy, sharp teeth underneath his hood.

-The Wolf squeezes my arms and starts licking my face. Once from the left side, once from the right side. (...) His breath stinks of rot.

WOLFMAN: "Thanks to you I feel fulfilled! I got my girl, my sweet little lady back."

-Suddenly the Wolf sends me back with a powerful push and reaches into his coat pocket.

WOLFMAN: "(...) and then nothing wil keep you from getting the fuck out of my part of the woods! Do you get me, Meat? You will pack your bags, dive into that stinking hole of yours and dissa-fucking-pear!"

-Finally he snorts, his thick, yellow spit landing on the photo.

-The Wolf grabs the box and starts sniffing it from every angle. I could swear I've heard his tail moving under his coat.

WOLFMAN: "And what am I supposed to do with it? Bite it until it opens? Your brain must be rotting if you think I will break my fangs for this shit."

WOLFMAN: "An electronic game, eh? About a wolf stealing chicken eggs... hehehe. Good one!I've a soft spot for games, how about you?"

-As I produce the key, the Wolf's pupils widen with excitement.

WOLFMAN: (about villagers) "Those selfish, deceitful wretches! They think they're superior, because they have human gobs. They treat us like lepers! But you know what? Fuck them. We're buddies, aren't we? And them? They deserve to be punished, Meat..."

-The Wolf pierces me with his look and grins. A string of saliva lands on his hole-riddled jacket.

-The Wolf puts his paw on me. I can feel his claws puncturing my skin.

WOLFMAN: (about piotrek) "Meat! Fucking hell, seen that? Hahaha! Seen that? Hahaha! Off he flew, didn't he? OFF HE FUCKED!!! Hahahaha!"

WOLFMAN: "If you wish to spend some more quality time basking in the striking, yet natural beauty of my features before you head off to the Silent Forest, you will find me in my camp in the Dry Meadow."

vvvvv

DOCTOR

THE JOURNAL: "What I do know is that the insane fucker took my key. My only chance to get out of the woods. He also tore out all the pages from my journal."

THE JOURNAL: "The doctor has escaped. So be it. He would only be a hindrance anyway."

CHICKEN LADY: "My sisters! Where did ya find it? It's all that godless quack's fault - devil brought him! All he did was prescribe this and that, scribble this no-good drivel! To hell with them papers!"

-I can feel the doctor's cold hand grab me by the jaw, (...)

-He removes his dirty glasses with a trembling hand and freezes.

DOCTOR: "First they begged for help, now I need to hide from them! I'm just an ordinary doctor! How the fuck was I supposed to help them?! How?!"

-With shaking hands, he reaches for the cigarrete butt between his yellow teeth.

DOCTOR: "I used to come here to treat people. I pulled out kids' milk teeth, delivered babies... (...) Last time I came here was three or four years ago. Then the trees blocked the path."

-The Doctor is visibly pleased with himself and his theory. His hands are no longer trembling. He produces a hand-rolled cigarette and lights it.

DOCTOR: "(...) I have no idea where it leads. I'm a shitty diver. (...)"

-The Doctor stares right into my eyes. Mud drips from his face. He hasn't blinked in over a minute.

- (...)His glasses are so dirty, I barely see the eyes hiding underneath.

-A chunk of mud falls down on his exposed tongue. He chews it slowly and swallows with satisfaction.

-The Doctor puts the muddy hand into his mouth, grimaces and pulls out a yellow tooth. He puts it into the pocket of his torn trousers. The tooth falls through a hole. He does not notice this...

-Slowly he bends down and grabs a thick branch from the ground. He starts biting the bark off of it. He swallows the bark with an effort, but also great satisfaction. He places the stick among other ones sticking out of his mud-covered head.

WOLFMAN: "Well, well. I know this quack. A nonentity, a third-rate witch doctor. Useless fucking clunker... But he still managed to screw you over with that key. Eh, comrade?"

MUSICIAN: "This is our doctor, yes? He is just as brave and good as you are! He helped me. He is helping all of us! He gave me this beautiful mask, so I could be healed of my afllictions. Maybe you could have one too..."

vvvvv

vvvvv

MUSICIAN

THE JOURNAL: "I met a boy in the village. He told me that the "Chicken Lady" keeps the "Pretty Lady" locked in her house. The boy really wants to see her, but the old woman won't allow it."

THE JOURNAL: "I decided to give the key to Chicken Lady's room to the little boy. He thanked me and asked me to bring him his mom's violin (it's hidden behind the wardrobe). He's afraid to go himself, as his parents are supposedly angry with him."

THE JOURNAL: "The boy sure was happy to see the new violin. (...)The kid also told me I should visit him in his parent's home someday."

CHICKEN LADY: (after musician's death) "Maybe it's just that me ears are getting worse, but it's been a while since I've heard that monster outside me windows..."

CHICKEN LADY: "Holy Mother, this creep again! May the devil take him and his blasted violin!"

MUSICIAN: "The Pretty Lady? S-she's... the most beautiful lady in the w-world! I w-watch her through the cracks in the window. S-she ch-changes when I watch her... g-gets more beautiful. I p-play for her... I want her to be h-happy..."

MUSICIAN: "I fished out the Pretty Lady's w-wreath from the river! (...)Oh yes, I will become the Pretty L-lady's husband! We w-will walk hand in hand, s-sir. I will play for her, mister s-sir."

-A skinny little hand emerges from beneath the tractor and grabs me by the ankle.

MUSICIAN: "They will not l-listen to me, they w-won't hear how sad I am, sir..."

-One of the strings securing his mask falls off, together with his ear. The boy reattaches it as if nothing happened.

MUSICIAN: "My m-mom has this beautiful violin! I would ask her to b-borrow it to me, but she's too angry with me... Could you p-please c-convince her to b-borrow it to me? I'll g-give you a card with drawings for her. To apologize."

-The boy turns the game in his hand for a while, but he can't find a way to reach the buttons with his overgrown fingers. The game slips out of his hand and drops to the ground. The wannabe musician freezes.

MUSICIAN: "(...) maybe you could take a wee piece of... m-meat for me? I've never eaten a pig and I've h-heard it's very tasty! W-would you take s-some for me?"

-The boy sniffles and rubs the mask with his deformed hand.

-From beneath the mask you can hear a horribly distorted, resounding voice... of a child?

-The figure tries to turn its head, but its enormous neck makes this task impossible to complete.

MUSICIAN: "P-please let me stay. P-please, don't chase me off. I've got nowhere to... go. The villagers don't a-a-allow me to live in the camp. I p-p-promise I won't p-play anymore! I'll be quiet. You can c-cover me with something, if you don't w-want to look at m-me..."

MUSICIAN: (after gifting you a rat) "(...) I mean, she jumped on my hand and s-started nibbling on my f-finger! I quickly clasped my h-hand and b-bit through its neck!"

-The corners of the boy's mouth turn up in a grotesque smile, exposing rows of overgrown teeth, which even his mask couldn't hide.

-The boy clumsily grabs the ball in his hand. He carefully hides it under his legs, so that it doesn't roll away.

MUSICIAN: "S-sorry! I didn't want to! T-this thing is coming out of m-my body. I... I tried to stop it, but I don't think I can... N-now the whole room is covered with... this. I didn't want to make a mess, I s-swear! Please, don't t-throw me a-away!"

-The boy leans over the violin lying next to his overgrown left hand. He plucks one of the strings with his right hand, clumsily trying to keep the rhythm.

MUSICIAN: "Recently, I've grown quite a bit. My mom always used to say that I need to be b-big and s-strong... to help her out in the field..."

The boy tries to hug his frail knees with the disproportionately massive torso.

"But I... I don't want to be big anymore. It's v-very hard being big. You need to be so... so strong! To even walk.Now my v-violin is... too s-small for me!"

vvvvv

vvvvv

[woulddieforperrytheplatypus]

My mind was plagued with thoughts of the episode where the kids think Perry laid an egg and the comic where Perry saves a baby platypus from Doof, and that got me thinking: what if Perry was actually a dad to a baby platypus? One possibility is that Perry wouldn't want his child to become an agent at such a young age and would rather have his kid decide if they want to do it when they're older, but I believe that either way, the young platypus would inherit Perry's anthropomorphism.

oh my god I’ve never even thought about Dad!Perry before 🥺 I thought his relationship with the Flynn-Fletcher kids was wholesome but that has some real potential to become the superior relationship

obligatory “read more” to save everyone who doesn’t care how I feel about Dad!Perry

Okay first I gotta ask how we think this would happen. Is it the egg from Perry Lays An Egg that hatches, except it really is a baby platypus and Perry ends up taking it in because no one else can? Or is it Perry taking one of Doof’s platybabies home? Or is it trans!Perry laying his own egg? Or Perry has sex with another platypus (that’s such a weird thought lmao) and somehow he becomes the sole guardian of the egg? As the numero uno “Perry is an asexual demibiromantic platypus” stan, I kinda like the first or second one, but I also feel like the platybaby should be related to him? But at the same time Phineas and Ferb is all about how family don’t end in blood so maybe that’s not important?

Anyways onto Dad!Perry because holy shit I’m excited to explore this

I’m gonna start at the end of the ask by saying that I feel like anthropomorphism isn’t genetically inherited; I feel like it’s something that’s taught. It’s kinda a nature vs nurture type thing so I guess it’s more a psychological debate than anything, but if I had to channel my inner English teacher and draw evidence from “the text” (aka the show), I gotta bring up the koi from Attack of the 50 Foot Sister that were just kinda vibin in the neighbors’ pond at the beginning of the episode and then Monogram had to make them agents to avoid a lawsuit and by the end they were saving Perry’s ass? Which is relevant to literally nothing except that I think any baby animal Perry raises, regardless of whether or not they’re related to him by blood (or even by species), will probably turn the lil baby into an anthropomorphic lil platybaby just because of all the human and human-like influences

And now the elephant in the room (cue OWCA Files Agent E joke): how does OWCA react to the news? Which I guess is really a follow-up question to how OWCA finds out in the first place. I think we can all agree that Perry won’t want to tell them. It’s not like he sees the other agents as friends that he wants to invite to the baby shower. But Monogram would want to know if there’s a new player in the Flynn-Fletcher house not that he knows who lives there now; that’s Carl’s area of expertise. Would he have to tell them? Is there a protocol for that? Especially if it’s just an egg he picks up from The Tree™ in the backyard. That’s basically just getting a new pet, right? And sure, Monogram would want to know, but is Perry legally obligated to tell him is the question.

But Monogram has to find out one way or another, and given that Perry is the best of the best, Monogram is going to want his kid in the club. Perry would 100% say no, too, but I don’t know if it would be because he wants his son (yes it’s a boy platybaby no I don’t know why) to have his own say in his future; I think Perry would consider OWCA too dangerous for his son. I mean, we saw what happened when Phineas, Ferb, and Candace got mixed up in his job: they were almost eaten by a goozim and the tri-state area was almost taken over by an evil dictator. He would definitely want to keep his son out of that scene if he could. At least all the dangers at home are Phineas-and-Ferb-sponsored, and unlike OWCA, they would make sure he didn’t get hurt.

Buuuut Monogram is also a dumbass and doesn’t know how to take no for an answer, so he’d keep pushing. It has to be a well-known fact around OWCA that changing Agent P’s mind about anything is not an easy feat, so maybe when Monogram realized it was a lost cause, he’d try to go around Perry’s back? Maybe while Perry was at work, he’d head to the Flynn-Fletchers’ house (or send Carl again like Undercover Carl) to try to get the platybaby alone? He could explain what OWCA is and that he would make a perfect candidate. I doubt Perry would have told his son about OWCA in any detail yet other than the fact that he works there and that’s where he goes every day, so this would all be new and interesting. And then Perry either comes home when Monogram or Carl is talking to his son about OWCA or his son brings it up himself, and Perry is fuming because he made it very clear that he didn’t want OWCA anywhere near his family. 

And now I can’t help but wonder if that would cause bigger problems between him and OWCA? What if that’s his breaking point, and he just flat-out quits because if they can’t respect his very few boundaries, he doesn’t owe them anything? And assuming the platybaby didn’t come from Doof, maybe that’s how they meet? Somehow he finds out that the reason there’s a new agent working his case is that Perry’s out on “permanent paternity leave” or something, and word gets back to Perry somehow (maybe Pinky heard it through the grapevine and told him? idk) that Doof wants to meet him? And Perry’s kinda wary buuuuut at the same time, Doof isn’t his nemesis anymore. If you take OWCA out of the equation, aren’t they just friends? 

WAIT A SECOND

IMAGINE HOW NORM WOULD REACT TO SEEING A BABY PLATYPUS

LIKE

I DON’T KNOW WHY

BUT NORM WOULD ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS BABY PLATYPUS

and Doof would get kinda annoyed because “He came here so I could meet the baby, you know,” and usually that’s enough to convince Norm that he’s doing something wrong, but this time Norm is just like, “But I love him?” And Doof expects Perry to back him up and he probably should but at the same time, his son looks so happy with Norm? Without OWCA’s training, he still has that platypus aspect to his personality that comes from both his animal instinct and how the Flynn-Fletchers treat him, so he’s just kinda snuggled up in Norm’s lap and Norm is just petting him?

And this is probably after he’s shown some human-like features and Doof knows that he’s about as human as Perry, so he asks, “Does he like being pet?” and Perry nods because duh of course he does and Doof just kinda looks at him for a moment and he’s like, “Do you like to be pet?” and Perry just fuckin decks him because no he does not yes he does and Doof just nods like, “Okay, fair enough.”

AND THEN VANESSA WALKS IN???

and she had absolutely no idea this was happening she’s about to go drop her stuff off in her room for the weekend and Norm’s like, “Look at my new friend!” and Vanessa thinks it’s gonna be something stupid but she walks over and sees the baby platypus and she starts freaking out because holy shit Perry is that yours? and obviously she needs to know literally everything there is to know about him because this is her nephew now and she will not take no for an answer.

And I feel like OWCA really wouldn’t like this? I mean, Perry completely severed ties with them over this platybaby, and now he’s bringing his son over to DEI at least twice a week to see his former nemesis? And idk what they would do about it because I don’t think there’s an actual protocol for this, but Monogram is Very Sensitive™ and he won’t stand for this.

Also and I’m totally just spit-balling here but what if, because the platybaby is kinda also being raised by the Doofenshmirtzes (and the Flynn-Fletchers but idk if that would make much of a difference here bc he has to pretend to be a mindless pet around them like his dad), he gets the best of the human and animal experience all in one, without all the shit Perry had to deal with from OWCA? And what if that somehow leads him to be able to speak? I don’t quite know how that would work, mostly because I don’t really know what prevents Perry from speaking, but we already went into that back in May so I’m not gonna go there again lol

okay I’m pretty sure it’s been over two hours since I started working on this ask but I can’t help it because this is literally such a cute idea fjdshflakfa I don’t even know if I’d be content reading this like I feel like this is just something I want to write. I kinda want to see how Phineas and Ferb would treat him, and if they’d treat Perry any differently now that a) he’s a dad and b) there’s a new platypus for them to love. I also want to see how Candace would handle probably falling in love with the platybaby but still getting annoyed by Perry. I really want to see what Vanessa and Norm’s relationship with the platybaby would turn into. Idk so much about the Doof/platybaby relationship though; I feel like I’d be more interested in how this affects the Doof/Perry dynamic instead. Something about Doof makes me think he wouldn’t be as easily swayed by the platybaby as everyone else, but the fact that Perry would now be a dad just like him would probably make him unreasonably happy. And that’s not even touching upon how different life would be for Perry now that he has a son, and he would obviously adore the little guy with his entire being, but, like, he has a son? How is he supposed to deal with that?

also I really should’ve given the platybaby a name to make this more readable and it’s a little too late for that but I hereby decree that his new temporary name until such time as this fic gets written is Horatio (unless y’all wanna hit me up with your platybaby name ideas because I would love to see them?) so welcome to the Dwampyverse, Horatio :,)

[notagamersdey]

The Dream

Painting by: Henri Rousseau

Photo (2021) and Story By Tyler D. Ortiz

Rating: T

Word Count: 2k~

Warnings: bad language, panic attacks

A/N: So this story is inspired by the Pedro Pascal episode of the podcast Talk Art (31:14-34:15). Go check that out if you want to hear some fun stories by the hosts and pp.

Summary: Matias, after losing his chance to act in a popular TV show, is taken to the Museum of Modern Art by his sister where he realizes he has nothing to lose.

~~~

Today, I’m supposed to meet my sister Lyanna here at East Village Pizza. She said it was a special treat for getting my first “big” role on Law & Order. When I told her the news, she had jumped up for joy, squealing my ear off. It wasn’t a big deal, just another job for the bills, but she was adamant that this job was a life changer. She’s says that about every job.

I came to the pizza parlor early, grabbing my favorite seat in front of the window. We normally sat here when we came because it gave us the perfect view of cold, angry New Yorkers. I had ordered our pizza, waiting for her to arrive when my phone starts to buzz.

I open it up and put it against my ear, holding it with my shoulder, “This is Matias.”

“Matias, I'm sorry to tell you…” Fuck, “…but we’ve decided to go in a different direction...” It’s the fucking casting director, droning on, saying those same fucking words, “You have wonderful talent.,” “You didn’t fit the director's vision.,” etcetera. Etcetera. ETCETERA. It's all movie-talk for “You weren't good enough.”

Grabbing the scruff behind my neck, I slammed my phone shut and stuffing it into my jacket pocket. What the hell was I going to do now? Three hundred bucks – gone in an instant.

“Here’s your order, Sir,” A waiter places the small pizza in front of me, and you know, today was one of the rare days I was able to scrounge enough money to afford the luxury of a decent slice of pizza, and now I can’t even enjoy it.

“God dammit,” It’s moments like these when memories of my father came hit me like a freight train. He used to berate me about goals and aspirations, telling me, “It’s never going to happen, Matias,” and “It’s not a job. You won’t get anywhere with that.” In high school, I used to constantly fight with him, telling him my dreams were achievable. That I would succeed as an actor. He would laugh in my face; tell me they were unobtainable. I mean... Maybe he was right.

Now, I’m living in one of the most expensive cities with over 300,000 dollars in debt, 40 bucks to my name, and a dead-beat waiter job at Planet Hollywood that barely pays for food let alone the bills. I have no back-up plan, no emergency fund. I just had my bachelor's degree in acting, which won't pay for shit.

I shake my head. My neck and back start to ache, an oncoming migraine sitting on my temples.

Matias, the fuck do you want to do that for?

Matias, you’re not good enough.

Matias, you will always be alone.

I stand to leave, throwing the untouched pizza in the trash on my way out the door. The cold winter air bites at my nose when I step outside. I pull my scarf up closer to my neck and make my way down East 9th Street.

Leaving the restaurant doesn’t help. Hopelessness rushes over me like a tsunami. The texture of the wool sweater underneath my jacket scratched annoyingly at the exposed skin on my wrists. It’s a cold wintery day but I feel incredibly hot underneath the layers. A nervous sweat builds underneath my beanie. Everyone’s staring, I know it. They know I've failed yet again. They know I’m just a naïve child.

His voice repeats in my head like a tornado siren, yelling, screaming at me, “You will not survive.”

You will not make an income.

You will not have healthcare.

You are setting yourself up for failure.

…You will die- My phone starts to buzz again. I really want to fucking ignore it but if it’s Lyanna, she’d have every cop in the city on my ass within the hour.

“Hey.” I cough, trying to clear my throat. Act normal.

“Mat! I’m sorry I’m late, I’m-” She sounds like she’s running.

“Actually, Sis, I left…” I stop in the middle of the pavement, getting shoved and cursed at by the impetuous crowd around me.

“What? Why?” Her concerned voice seeps through the phone. Suddenly, heat shoots up my back. She’s going to be upset.

I move off to the side, leaning up against a wall of graffiti, “I didn’t get the job after all.”

I hear her let out a breath, “Different direction?” She asks, knowingly.

I nod, “Yea... said I could act the part, but I didn’t fit the type of Latino they were going for... whatever the hell that means.” I spit out, bitterly.

“Means they’re bigoted.” I can hear the annoyed twinge in her voice.

“Yea... probably...” Lyanna stays quiet. “Hey... So, I’m not really up for doing anything... Can we just go home?”

“Umm...” She hums, clicking her tongue, “No.”

“Lyanna...” Please.

“No, no, I’m serious, I know you. Once you get home you're going to sulk in your room for days. Let's bypass the self-pity and go have fun. Take your mind off it.”

I’m silent for a moment, feeling my anxiety subside as I focus on her words, “What do I get if your wrong?”

“A fresh slice of cheese pizza to replace the one you probably threw away...” She laughs, “Now, how ‘bout MoMA?”

“Sure… MoMA sounds good.”

I’ve always found it difficult to find the Museum of Modern Art. The only way anyone would be able to tell where this museum was is with the three bright red banners hanging off the side of the building holding their acronym in an even darker shade of red. This was basically every building in New York so, of course, I pass right by it. Lyanna managed to catch me before I got too far. She runs up to me and immediately linked her arm into mine.

“Hey stranger, took you long enough.” She greats, warmly.

“You know how it is.”

“Oh common, where’s that smile? We are celebrating!” She starts to pull me into the museum, warm air painting my face when she opens one of the doors.

“Celebrating a failure.”

“Celebrating life.”

We walk in and are bombarded with hordes of people packed in front of every corner of the room. It's as if every single person visiting New York had decided that they would all collectively visit the museum on this specific day. Maybe they were having an event. People of all shapes and sizes were packed in front of each art piece, creating a thick barrier preventing outsiders from looking in on their beauty. In the corner of the room is a balloon man handing out replicas of Jeff Koon’s Balloon Dog to children. I clench my teeth at the disgusting sound of rubber and latex rubbing together. I feel a hot prickling in my neck at the sight of a child squeezing the neck of their bright metallic green Balloon Dog, another child on the edge of crying as she violently hit her blue Balloon Dog onto her stroller seat.

Someone bumps into me. I feel myself tense up. Don’t touch me. I take my arms away from Lyanna, hiding them in my pockets. Lyanna looks up at me, “Hey, are you okay?”

Fuck no,“Yes.”

“You sure? You seem tense,” she raises her eyebrow.

“No. No... I'm good... There’s just.” Act normal, “A lot of people.”

“Well, if you’re sure...” Everyone is breathing my air - of course I’m not sure. “You wanna start off this way then make our way around?” she asks pointing to her left. I nod.

She guides me to the fifth floor, to our first painting. Shes pushing through the crowds so we could get a closer look. It’s a dark painting with a black, shadowy silhouette of an elephant trudging on an upwards incline. The air around him grey, as if he was pushing through a sandstorm. He is struggling to get to wherever he was headed. I’m suddenly pushed closer to the struggling elephant. Lyanna snaps at someone behind me. A balloon pop’s. A child's scream echo around the room. The dark clouds surrounding the elephant fill my edge of my vision as my eyes zoom into the lonely elephant. My throat begins to close. My heart hurts. A voice in my head whispers “You’re dying. You’re dying.” in a joyous chant. I try to breathe but nothing can get through. My hands prickle. My chest stutters. The elephant fades. Only the shadowing and silhouettes of people fill my vision. I still feel the pain in my throat, as I try to breath in air.

Lyanna speaks but her voice is muffled. The darkness that had overtaken my vision slowly fades away. I sit up straight, feeling the soft leather beneath me, becoming aware of my surroundings. We are in different exhibit. It's completely empty. I shift, feeling the leather bench beneath my finger tips. The silence is soothing.

“You feeling better?” Lyanna sits next to me with a cup of water in her hands, causing the leather beneath creaked.

I close my eyes. God. She grabs at my hand but I pull away. Please go away. I can feel her eyes burning into my soul. It’s unbearable. I turn away from her. Please go away. She grips at the cup tightly. The crunch of the cup is excruciating.

“Matias.” She attempts to grab my hand again. I see it coming from a mile away. Like in slow motion. The closer she got, the more I dreaded the contact.

“Fuck! Stop! Can you please just give me a God damn minute?” I stand up trying to get away.

“What is happening?” She’s mad. You’ve ruined everything.

“I don’t want to be fucking touched, Lyanna. Just stop. Stop everything. Leave me alone.” I’m staring at the floor. If I look at her, I’m going to lose it. Shameful. Embarrassing.

“I’m only trying to help.” You’re an embarrassment.

“You’re not!” She’s going to never going to forgive you.

“Okay…” She stands slowly, “Let’s relax for a moment… I’ll be back in a few minutes… Just text me if you need anything.” I don’t say anything while she walks away, the sound of her shoes fading. I sit back down onto the chair, head in my hands.

I take a few deep breaths, focusing on the ground beneath me. The floor is smooth, my hair is soft and messy, the pressure of my elbows on my knees grow. My eyes leave the floor only to be met with a flood of green. A naked woman waking up on a large red couch in the middle of a jungle. Light green paints the leaves towards the bottom of the canvas and becomes darker going up towards the sky. The bright flowers burst up in different directions as the moon peaks through the canopy. The woman is surrounded by hidden animals. I spot a few hidden tigers, a white bird on the top left, a person hidden in the shadows playing an instrument, a few monkeys in the trees and an elephant beyond the trees staring back at me. It was a paradise. So sure of herself, she sits there facing away from me as if she has nothing to lose. She sits unafraid of the world around her.

I can’t relate. I’ll never get my chance. I’ll never not be afraid. I continue to stare at her, trying to understand what she may have done differently. Maybe she kept going. Maybe she stopped caring. Or maybe someone gave her a chance. Whatever she did must’ve worked because she continues to sit as if she has nothing left to lose –

“Henri Rousseau’s The Dream,” I jump. Lyanna stands on my right, staring at the painting with a hand on her hip, “Most people hate this painting.”

“I don’t see why…”

“Eh… Everybody has their own opinions…” She approaches cautiously, “Do you feel any better?”

I nod. “S-sorry,” I look back to the painting, “I just needed a moment to myself.”

“Don’t apologize… I should’ve… I don’t know, been more mindful, I guess.” She sits down next to me. I can see her hesitate before she puts a hand on my shoulder, “Are you going to be okay?”

I don’t answer at first. I look back at the painting. The Dream she called it. Maybe, this was the woman’s dream. Maybe she is like me. Our chances will arise. She strives towards her peace with nature around her as I strive for success in the asphalt jungle. Just as she has nothing left to lose, I, too, have nothing to lose. We are the same.

“Yea… I think I will be.”

~~~

Thank you so much for reading! Let me know what you think! Let me know if I missed a tag or a warning.

Masterlist || Taglist Form || Youtube || Redbubble

Till Next Time!

-Dey

[stubbedbakutoes]

Notes

Ushijima confronts (y/n) about her constant hate for him because he may or may not want to make a move on her

pairing: ushijima wakatoshi x reader

word count: 1k+

genre: quite angsty

masterlist

(ctto for the pic below)

"What's wrong, princess? Not having fun?"

His breath is tainted with alcohol, a half-empty red cup in his hands and a haze already glossing over his eyes.

He leans in close, close enough for her to see all the shades of the sky in his eyes, close enough for the small bristles of his chin to brush hers.

He never really did have a good understanding of personal space before, but intoxicated – she’d have better luck teaching an elephant how to do a backflip.

"Watching people get smashingly wasted? Oh, I'm having the time of my life."

The words are dripping sarcasm from her lips as she moves her head back to avoid his rancid breath.

She’s surprised Ushijima isn't there with his teammates– he's the first to get up on the table with his slogged dance moves, spilling alcohol everywhere and pulling up three girls with him on a too-cramped makeshift dancefloor.

He's not one to miss up on a spotlight of attention, and she doesn't know why he's chosen to give that up in an attempt to win just hers tonight.

Probably just the alcohol.

"Not enjoying your throne, princess?" He slurs, stumbling to her and nearly falling in the process, saving himself with a last-minute awkward twirl. "You can always sit on me, if you’d like."

"You’re disgusting, Ushijima. Go try that on some other girl who's drunk enough to find that charming."

"I happen to be – " he looks at her with the steady gaze of a drunk man, hands flying up to his head in a painfully awkward pose " – extremely charming."

"More like extremely drunk."

"That too. But also charming." His lips split into a wide grin, much too proud of himself.

"You know, I asked you to come. You should be thanking me."

"Tendou asked me to come and I only came to this stupid party because that was the only way I was getting his calc notes."

"Well, I asked Tendou to ask you  to come, so technically-"

"That doesn't even make sense."

"I said to Tendou to ask that pretty girl in his calc class – that's you – to come because number one, you need to get your head out of that disgusting textbook, and two, I wanted you to."

"So what, you asked Tendou to invite me to your frat party so you could fuck the one girl you haven't laid your greasy hands on?"

"Number one, you’re the one who mentioned fucking so just remember that later tonight, and number two, I moisturize every night so I can guarantee-“

"You’re a pig, Ushijima Wakatoshi."

"Pigs can't have dark olive eyes therefore your argument is invalid."

She throws her hands up in frustration, trying to storm past him – but even inebriated his reflexes are fast and he blocks her with his broad shoulders, a sloppy grin on his lips.

"Don't be mad, princess."

"Don't be a dick, Wakatoshi. Let me leave."

"But the party's just started." He whines a little, pouting his lips.

"This party is going to be ending real soon for you if you don't move."

"Was that in invitation to get out of here?"

"That was a fucking demand for you to leave me alone."

"What have I done to make you hate me so much?"

The playful demeanor is gone now, replaced by dark storm clouds in his eyes that make her take a step back in the sudden surprise.

"What?"

"You’re always so nice to other team captains – Daichi and Tendou and even Kuroo – he gets it on with like two girls every day and still you’d share your food with him – "

"Ushijima, I swear to god if this is over a cookie from that one time – "

"It's not fucking one time – you make a pointed effort to ignore me and you always make up some bullshit excuse to leave when I come up to talk to you when you’re with Tendou and last year you literally dropped your favourite course because you saw me in the same class – "

"I didn't have space for the class – "

"There we go again! Bullshit excuses, all of it. You get along fine with everyone on the campus – fucking sweetheart, that's what you are – but you treat me like shit for absolutely no reason at all."

She’s finding this drunk version of Ushijima a little harder to manage than the one from a few moments ago.

"And I fuck up. I fuck up a lot. I know. But I haven't slept with your sister or ran over your cat or whizzed on your car or any of the other stupid shit I usually do to make people hate me. It's like you literally hate me for being me."

"Ushijima, I – "

"Too high up on your throne to notice scum like me, your majesty?"

The words are bitter, hurt flashing in his eyes.

"I'm sorry, Ushijima."

"You wouldn't be if I didn't tell you."

She’s silent and he's waiting and she doesn't know what to say.

He moves from the doorway, clearing the path for her.

"Just fucking leave. I'll tell Tendou to give you the notes tomorrow."

She’s still, the freedom of the door no longer as uplifting as it was before, not when there's still an elephant in the room blocking her way.

"Come with me?"

She tests the words out hesitantly, gauging his reaction.

"What?"

His eyebrows are pinched together and she’s not sure if his drunken mind understands her request, or if he's too confused over the meaning of the words.

"It's an invitation to get out of here with me." She smiles a little, parroting his words from earlier. "I want... I want to restart some things."

"You mean your crappy-ass behaviour to me?" He blurts out, blunt words that he can't help.

"Don't push it, Wakatoshi." She warns, though the small grin doesn't leave her lips. "But yes."

Ushijima looks out to the main room – where Daichi was currently dancing on top of the pool table, lassoing his shirt above his head – before turning back to her with a crooked smile.

"Let's get out of here. I wasn't really feeling this anyways."

She raises a questioning eyebrow at him – not quick to forget his hollering whoops with beer spilling from his cup when she first walked in – but she doesn't say a word about it, leaving it to the grin playing on her lips.

"I know just the place."

"It better not be your bedroom."

[nancythebisexualslutwheeler]

5 Times Richie Wouldn’t Let Eddie See Him and the 1 Time He Did

This is part 2 to this ask. Enjoy! Xx T

1. So eventually the losers are allowed to visit Richie. But the second Eddie steps into the room, sheepish and last, Richie is screaming at him to get out. He doesn’t listen to what anyone has to say about the situation. There’s not much small talk to be made, but if not before this, their bond is solidified and everyone gives him as best of a hug as they can and more or less, tell him that they’re happy he’s alive.

2. The next time he sees Eddie is when his nurse pokes her head in,

“Honey, your friend has been out here quite awhile.”

“I’m not up for company.”

He can feel Eddie’s brown eyes on him.

“Richie,” and there’s so much in that one word. In his name. There’s twenty seven years between them.

“Go home.”

Bev shows up with a store bought cake. She explained to him that she never could bake. It’s funny how it made sense, even though he hadn’t seen her in all of these years.

“Are we going to talk about the elephant in the room?”

“The fact that I never sat around and talked boys with you?” He asks with a grin.

“No, you absolute idiot. Eddie? Our Eddie?”

“I just remembered five minutes ago.”

“Richie.”

“What? It’s a non issue.”

“Non issue? He’s been out there everyday. All day.”

“How do you know Beverly? Oh yes, because you’re here every day too. Like a good old friend.”

She snorts,

“Friend? Richie,”

“Don’t. Please don’t.”

“I don’t know what type of repressed shit-“

“Bev,” Richie chokes, tears springing to his eyes, “please don’t.”

Bev pats his hand,

“Okay honey. Okay.”

3. The next time he sees Eddie is when he wakes up. It’s early. Too early. Probably around six. He’s switching out the flowers on Richie’s bedside table. He didn’t realize someone needed to do that. He didn’t realize the flowers were always fresh. Of course it would be Eddie.

Eddie’s standing there, sheepish, hair not even bothered to be slicked back, looking disheveled as all hell. His facial hair is growing and Richie doesn’t think he’d be able to handle him in a full beard. He’s wearing a sweatshirt and track pants. He looks incredibly guilty,

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have,” he starts but cuts himself off when he realizes that Richie isn’t shouting at him.

“It’s fine,” Richie grunts out.

“I’ll just,” he points to the door.

Richie hesitates. He wants Eddie to come closer. He wants to see him. He wants him to say something.

“Can you get me a glass of water?” Richie asks slowly.

He doesn’t know exactly what he’s doing. Doesn’t know what he’s going to say when Eddie brings him his water. What he’s going to do. If he’s going to offer Eddie to sit or-

He’s pulled out of his obsessive thoughts,

“Of course. Of course let me just,” and Eddie rushes out of the room.

Richie hasn’t shut up in 42 years. He knows how to talk. He knows how to talk to Eddie too. Eddie was his best friend, for years. But now, Eddie knows he has a crush on him.

He wants to snort at the thought, a crush, yeah right. He may have had a crush on Eddie when they were ten. But now, now he’s a grown ass man with grown ass feelings about... well, another man.

If he wasn’t a pussy, if he, well if he’d thought about his feelings for Eddie. Processed them like an adult. But when was there time for that? Between near death situations?

By the time Eddie gets back with a glass of water, he’s worked himself into a panic. His hand is shaking when he reaches out to grab the glass and as the back of their hands slide together, he yelps,

“Get out. Get out.”

“Rich, man,”

“Get out!”

And Eddie just gives him a sad smile and walks out. Somehow the little paper hospital cup has a slice of lemon in it and Richie throws it against the wall. He’s fucked.

4. He can feel her presence before she even walks in the door. His sister Sarah is a force to be reckoned with. He hates her because she got all the attractive genes, leaving Richie with fuck all.

She sashays into the room. What are probably designer sunglasses on her head, holding back her wildly curly hair. She has piercing green eyes and she’s tall and thin with a Louis Vuitton bag over her shoulder and a basket of what looks like utter shit in her hands.

“Richie, you almost fucking died on me!” She shouts, throwing her stuff into the nearest arm chair. She’s wearing an olive green pea coat over a black sweater, jeans and a pair of high heeled gray booties.

Sarah is. What is Sarah. She’s a fashion designer. For lack of a better word. She’s not exactly sewing the clothes tooth and nail like high school anymore, nor has Richie seen her with a sketch book recently. The point is she’s rich, and fun and relatable and literally ended up on the Top Bachelors/Bachelorettes List of 2017. It drives Richie crazy. He’s the actually famous one dammit. And he hadn’t even made the cut. It kills him the way Sarah charms her way through interviews. Shit, she gets papped more than him it feels sometimes. Suddenly, all that charm is on him and she crosses the room to throw her arms around him.

She feels like home, and smells like Bath and Body Works Warm Vanilla Sugar since she has since she was thirteen and Sarah. The Sarah Tozier is crying into his shoulder.

“I love you Richie. Stop trying to be a hero all the fucking time.”

“A hero?” He asks, slightly confused.

“Yes,” she hisses, “there’s no way you own anything valuable enough to fight off a mugger for.”

He splutters,

“Is this face not valuable Sarah?!” He asks dramatically.

She rolls her eyes,

“Shut up Rich. I’m serious. What the fuck were you thinking? Look at you!”

“What? I’ve never been better,” he grits out.

“Never been better?! Fuck off with the jokes, we’re not seventeen! Never better? Concussion, punctured lung, this fucking cut on your face! Broken ribs. Sprained ankle. Richie, you’re tore the fuck up.” She says, sliding next to him in the bed.

Richie sits in silence, feeling throughly scolded.

“They have coffee here?”

“It’s shitty.”

She nods,

“Aren’t you like some huge celebrity now? Couldn’t you have sprung for a nicer place?”

He knows she’s gotten it off her chest, is less mad now and more concerned, so he slides back into bickering with her,

“First of all, I’m pretty sure no hospital has a fucking Starbucks adjoining the lobby. And second, your taste is about as putrid as that color coat.”

Her jaw drops,

“Take that back!”

“Never!”

“I’m gonna beat your ass when you’re put back together. There’s no way you of all people are insulting the way I dress.”

“I did and I am my beautiful sister.”

“Alright, turn on this damn tv because I’ve heard enough of your mouth already.”

“Your words wound me.”

“They should. I’ve been here like ten minutes.”

There’s a lull in conversation as he turns easily to where he knows Dr.Phil will be on.

“Speaking of which-“

“Here we go.” He starts.

“I know that I did not see that little cutie Eddie fucking Kaspbrak outside!” She all but squeals.

Before Sarah ended up fucking hating them like older sister’s do, back in the day, she had fucking loved them. In fact, Sarah was a big reason that Richie even started thinking about Eddie that way. She was always pushing them together. Not even like that, but in a way that grouped them all up. Bill and Bev. Stan and Mike and Ben. And Eddie and Richie. Eddie and Richie.

“He’s not cute. He’s a grown ass man.”

“I didn’t ask you if he was cute.” She looks him over once. “So a reunion?” She asks. 

Very pointedly, Instead of asking “Is there something you need to tell me?”

“Um yeah. All of us losers were there.”

“Including Eddie fucking Kaspbrak.”

“Sarah.” He says. Daring her, almost.  

“You never settled down.”

“Neither did you,” he argues.

“I’m busy fucking my way through pre-Bachelorette contestants.”

“Sarah.”

“I’m pregnant.”

“You’re what?!”

“And your gay.”

“Sarah!”

She glares at him. Daring him to challenge her.

“Tit for tat?”

She nods,

“Tit for tat.”

“Deadass?”

“Deadass. For Eddie, right?”

“Always for Eddie. Are you.. anything else? In a relationship perhaps?”

“Yeah. I’m.. it’s a something. Did you tell him?”

“He.. found out.” He grinds his teeth. Forgets to ask his question.

“Do you remember when you kissed him?”

“I what?!”

“You were five. I married you in the backyard. I omitted the kiss, but it was you who insisted.”

“I did not.”

“Did to.”

“Does he know?” Richie asks.

“Why is Eddie out there instead of in here?” She snaps back.

Richie can’t believe it. His own sister knew. And she’d, she probably hadn’t forgotten. There had been no reason for her to lose her memories. So this whole time she’d known about Richie’s feelings. She’d said nothing. She.. she treated him the same. She’d loved him anyway. And suddenly he’s crying.

She holds him, like she always does, and he very pointedly does not think about Eddie outside in the waiting room.

“I love you Richie.”

“I tolerate you.”

“That’s my cue to leave.”

It takes her awhile to get her things and get herself together, and suddenly Richie is at the door, hugging her again.

“You’ve gotta tell him.”

“You need to talk to Eddie.”

Richie grins,

“Tit for tat?”

She hesitates before nodding and opening the door,

“Tit for tat.”

He’s just shutting the door when she trills,

“Oh my god. Eddie, sweetie. I haven’t seen you in years! Do you want to go grab lunch or something? Richie’s just exhausted. So it will probably be a few hours before he’s recovered.”

Richie shuts the door and crawls into bed, mind reeling.

5. “Richie honey!” It’s Janice, his favorite nurse and her favorite patient.  

“Yes Janet?”

“You know I’m going on vacation tomorrow.”

“I know, you witch. What about it?”

“Well you haven’t talked to your gentleman friend yet and you’ll probably be discharged by the time I’m back so,”

“Janice, I’m really not.”

“Honey, he’s right here. “

Eddie pokes his head in and his hair is still a mess and he’s got a little bit more than a five o’clock shadow, which means he hasn’t left.

“Janet.” He says desperately. “I don’t feel well, I can’t.”

“Richie please,” Eddie says desperately.

“I said I don’t feel well. Please don’t,” he says weakly.

“Richie honey, sooner or later-“

“Oh shut up and get out, get the fuck out Janice!” He snaps.

He sees the hurt flash across her face and then the door shuts forcefully.

+1:

Richie’s being discharged. Sarah had to go back to New York, so Mike was bringing him to the airport. He’d left a card for Janice at the front desk with a promise to tickets to one of his shows, had his slides on, and was ready to go.

He’s not expecting Eddie to be in the waiting room. Still. He’s got his hair slicked back and he’s bare faced again. He must have a flight of his own to catch.

“Richie,” he says quietly.

Richie looks down, he doesn’t want to do this right now. He’s tired.

“Just, tell me if I’m wasting my time. It’s been ten days. I haven’t left your side. I. We need to talk about this. Can we please talk about this?”

“What’s there to talk about? You’re married. To a woman.”

“We’re separated. We’ve been separated. I didn’t like, leave her for you. You’re not that special,” he jokes.

“But you said-“

“Yeah, like I’m gonna show up and say I’m a failed divorcee.”

“Eddie I don’t have time-“

“Ask me.”

“Ask you what?”

“If I love you too.” He says quietly.

“I’m not gonna,” Richie’s stuck between wanting to collapse onto the ground and run away.

He tried to tell himself that it doesn’t matter if Eddie loves him, it doesn’t. They haven’t known each other for nearly thirty years. They each have their own respective lives. It doesn’t. This isn’t a fairytale. Richie has a life. Shows and obligations and he’s gonna be an uncle, holy shit. He has a girlfriend for Christ’s sake. So no, it doesn’t matter if Eddie loves him too. It’s too late for that. Life doesn’t work like that.

“Richie I,”

“Don’t!” He all but shouts, “I swear to fucking, don’t! It’s not fair.”

“Not fair? Richie what-“

“We can’t just be together. There’s, I have a life. You have a life. You have a job. You’re going through a divorce! No matter how we feel, it’s not, okay. It’s not, things aren’t just going to fit magically into place.”

“They can if we try.”

That sounds too much like the truth. Richie’s gut hurts. He doesn’t want to try. He doesn’t even want to start, because he knows he will not stop. No matter how things go. And if they ride hard, they’re going to crash and burn, fast. He’s lived his entire life in denial. He’d rather never know then to have things go south. And quickly.

He has to go, he has to get out of this situation.

“Can we try?” Eddie begs, “Give me a chance!”

“That’s the thing Eds. It wouldn’t be a  chance. It would be unlimited chances. And if things don’t work out, I can’t handle it.”

“So you’re counting us out before we’ve even tried?”

“Yes. That’s exactly what I’m saying.”

He tries to duck around Eddie, he’s got to get out of here.

“Richie, I love you. And I know it’s been like two weeks since our feelings came back but god they came back and I love you.  I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone before. I hadn’t realized that until now. What love actually felt like. Truly felt like. Please give me a chance. Let’s work this out, let’s.”

Richie looks up when he hears Eddie’s voice crack. There’s tears in his beautiful brown eyes and he has his own stitches in his face and he’s thought of about ten jokes about their matching scars if they do get together.  Get together.

“I don’t,”

“Dammit!” And Eddie is kissing him.

He’s soft but firm and his huge palm and resting on the back of Richie’s neck and his mouth is hot, and slick.  He finds himself standing completely still, just letting himself be kissed.

Richie breaks away panting,

“I can’t take anymore. I have to go.”

“Richie please.”

“Stop for gods sake. Mike is waiting for me.”

“I can drive you!” He says desperately.

Richie shakes his head,

“I’m okay.”

Eddie frowns in disappointment. Richie feels bad leaving, he does. But he’s scared, and it’s his first kiss with a guy and the guy is Eddie. But he can’t take it anymore. He’s anxious to get to the pharmacy to pick up his prescription because his ribs are killing him, and he’s nervous to return to an empty apartment.

Eddie’s still staring at him and Richie adjusts his backpack straps before leaning in to kiss Eddie’s cheek,

“I’ll text you when I’m on the plane.”

He starts walking away,

“Richie!” Eddie calls.

Richie turns around,

“I-“

Richie shakes his head. Smiles a bit.

“I know.”

[himbo-buckley]

Why do you think the show treats bucks past/mistakes as SOOO much worse then everyone else’s when in reality most of the characters on the show(Bobby, Eddie, Shannon,Doug, Abby,Hen, Athena and to a lesser extent Chimney) have done objectively worse shit then he did

Hello, friend!

Okay, first of all, thank you for the question, you really made me think there! I had to like put on my Evan Buckley playlist and take a shower to think about it (it’s a process okay?)

Now, while I wholeheartedly agree with you that anything that Buck 1.0 did was no where near as bad as the stuff everyone else pulled, I *do* suing your friend and by extension your whole friend group because you are mad at one of them - not matter if it was justified or not - *is* definitely up there with cheating on your wife or lying to a woman to get laid.

(Also the fact that you omitted Maddie from the above list is very valid, friend!)

I think generally it comes down to three factors, which are the characters who point out Buck’s mistakes for us, his age and this being a TV show.

I would argue that while we see Hen, Athena and Chimney point out some of Buck’s mistakes, aside from Athena in the pilot were she was more than justified in her yelling, it’s usually about making fun of him. Buck, Hen and Chimney especially have a sibling relationship and in such a relationship you do make fun of each other, while Athena in general likes to point out every one else’s mistakes.

Though I do have to say that Athena, next to Buck, has had to endure the most consequences for her actions what with being suspended several times in the course of the show - it’s just that due to her character it doesn’t stick as much as it does with Buck. Also, due to her not being a firefighter like the others her storylines are far more separate from the rest of the main cast, meaning there is less screen time available to do anything about her mistakes.

Which is the first factor that plays into why Buck’s mistakes get pointed out so much more, because they always tie into the main story and are connected to most of the other main characters - because Hen cheating on her wife, Chimney lying to Tatiana or even Eddie doing his best fight club impression were all bad things but generally had hardly any influence on the lives of everyone else. Buck suing them - or even just stealing the firetruck to have sex with a girl - did.

Also due to this there is a lot more available screen time to be dedicated to discussing the things because it affects and involves the others as well.

The other characters we generally (and mostly) see pointing out Buck’s mistakes are Maddie, Eddie, Bobby and Buck himself.

Maddie of course is Buck’s sister and she is older by a few years and feels responsible for him and for taking care of him, so her pointing out when Buck does things wrong comes from a place of concern and trying to keep him from making any worse mistakes.

With Eddie, I think, there is this thing where in my opinion Eddie thought Buck couldn’t really do any wrong until the lawsuit happened. Buck is after all his most trusted person and I do think Eddie has the highest opinion of him - which is why when Buck did let him down it hit way harder than it would have with any one else, because with them Eddie expected it. Also nearly all scenes where Eddie points out Buck’s mistakes, aside from the grocery store fight and the first apology scene, are either him teasing Buck or deflecting because of his own feelings, like in the second apology.

Now Bobby actually ties in with the third factor which is age:

Buck is the only one who begins the series new to the job and unfinished - of course Eddie is new to firefighting as well but the show does put a lot of effort into showing *and* telling us that he already knows his shit in 2.01 and is not an actual probie due to being an army badass. Buck on the other hand side is seen at times struggling with his job and the challenges it presents in Season 1, like in 1.02 or when he tells Abby about his shaking hands in 1.05.

And Buck when we meet him is only 26, has probably never had a real job before (and by real I mean one that actually means something to him and he wants to built a career on because bartending IS a real job) and is in general a little immature, while the other characters have all been at the jobs a while and know what they are doing and how to deal with it, which is why Bobby isn’t as worried about them.

Because no matter what I think about Bobby’s relationship with Buck, I *do* think he feels more responsible for him than he feels for Chimney and Hen and Eddie, because Buck *his* probie and it’s Bobby’s job to teach him and form him. Also Buck really looks up to him. The others all have prior experience they can draw from to make their decisions while Buck at least in Season 1 still needs someone to guide him because he doesn’t have that (which is by the way the source of all the conflict in Season 3 because by now Buck *does* have the experience and *can* make the choice himself but Bobby doesn’t see that).

And because of this Bobby is more inclined to point out Buck’s mistakes as he is less his equal so to speak as the other firefighters / characters who are considered proper adults and firefighters from the get go.

It’s also why Bobby gets involved in his private life way more than he does with the others because he does have somewhat fatherly feelings for him and because Buck, who is always looking for guidance, lets him.

The last and maybe most important point is Buck himself pointing out past mistakes, I’m thinking for example of him referencing to Buck 1.0 in 2.08 or apologising several times to Eddie. You see, friend, sadly our Buck does not see the amazing person he is but does in fact have horrible self esteem and abandonment issues leading to him being a little codependent and far more willing to buy into anything that someone else has to say about him and every and all critic hitting him way harder than it would anyone else and not trusting his judgement sometimes - think of Athena who does suffer consequences as well but just brushes them off because she considered herself to be in the right, while Buck, even when he thinks he is in the right as seen with the lawsuit, lets others opinions of his actions colour that (THE GROCERY STORE! THE GROCERY STORE! THE GROCERY STORE!).

(sidenote: I’m a little mad we never got to see and hear Maddie’s opinion on the lawsuit as she was the only impartial character. It could have been interesting)

Now, a few more things before I let you go:

Bobby obviously hasn’t suffered a consequence since Season 1, which is why I dislike him so much and also am waiting patiently on @chimbuckleys who is currently writing a meta on this exact thing, much like Abby who due to being played by Connie Britton is in the right even when she clearly is in the wrong because the showrunners love the actress.

Doug, since you mentioned him, I would say suffered some pretty dire consequences what with being killed and all - which is also why we might not see anyone point out how bad his actions were. (Also a wife beater is objectively bad and we don’t need the show to keep telling us this, so they give us a ‚the best revenge is to move on’-storyline with Maddie instead.)


Shannon is sort of the same problem what with her being dead. Also I do think the show points out several times how bad her actions were, specifically through Eddie *not* trusting her with Christopher until his hand is sort of forced - which can be contrasted to him letting Buck see Christopher almost immediately after they made up because Eddie does understand by 3.09 why Buck did what he did and he has forgiven him. (Also Eddie isn’t the most verbal person at the best of times and anytime feelings are involved isn’t his best of times which is why we don’t hear him point out her mistakes all the time to her or anyone else.) (Also the whole trying to be a family again thing.) (Plus we should mention his parents who *do* point out her mistakes every episode we see them in.)

And to round this up: The elephant in the room which is Hen and that fucking surgery in the ambulance which I didn’t mind to much on the first watch because I bought into the show just brushing it off but has since become a source of rage and anger for me which is why I am putting it in the same box as the therapist scene in 1.02 which is labeled: Shit the writers wrote because they needed the characters to realise something but didn’t really think about the implications. (The lawsuit keeps getting put in and taken out as well)

ANYWAYS, I hope this „short“ ramble is a satisfying answer, friend and you’ll come back! It is a very layered question and I’m sure if you ask another meta writer they will give you a very different answer

(also I am expecting some hijacking as I think this is a topic a lot of people have feelings on so please, feel free!)

[polygamyff]

58. Part 10

I feel so stupid right now, I am angry at myself “come over here” my dad said to Robyn “tell me what Joy has been saying?” my dad don’t want to speak to me, he is angry with me but I don’t get what he wants me to do, he doesn’t want me to have no fun and just be like him. Moving back a little as Robyn got into my dad’ eye view “she has been getting at me that your family will kill me, I am not liked, making rumours up about it, she bullied me throughout the whole event. I am not the type to be taking shit, but I am pregnant, and I am not going to play with that, the stress she has put me through when I am already struggling with my anaemia. She has really tried to push me away like she doesn’t care for anything but money, I said one thing and she made it another. She tried to get at Maurice to twist things and make him hate me but he was drunk anyways so he don’t remember shit” shaking my head placing my hands on my hips, well she had to add that on top of everything “that is ok, take a seat. This is not your issue at all Robyn. You just relax” this is a mess, I fucking wish I didn’t take this bullshit business on “so what do you want to do now Maurice, I want you to deal with this. So, what is the next course of action” my dad said “hangover or not, business doesn’t stop so tell me, what are we doing?” I wish he wouldn’t do this; I am honestly not in the right mind to be doing this. I am put on the spot and I just need to think “I am going to send a cease and desist for slander and that my next point will be legal action for my reputation including seeking fees for damages” my dad nodded his head “for who exactly? This is on you, your choice now” my dad said “everyone, every Davenport I know” my dad sniggered “ok, then you make that happen, the world is yours Maurice. Use it” looking at Lionel “with Lionel I am taking you to court with defamation and using slandering words against me, I don’t need the money it’s just the point. I won’t see you in court cause my lawyer will be there but good luck. And T get his phone from him” Lionel looked at me panicking “what the fuck, you can’t do that!” I laughed “I am just taking my money from you, go and ask your dad for it. Give it T before he drags it from you” Lionel gave his phone up “once my people have got all that shit from your social media then I will give it back” T gave me his phone “now go Lionel, we will be in touch” my dad said to him.

Looking up at the ceiling as I paced off “why did you sleep with my uncle and then made Malik’ life a living hell” I just said it, I am bored of this situation “go on then Joy, the stage is yours” my dad said, shaking my head as I looked at my mom “if you just remained well, you remained good, you remained loyal. Me and you could have made it, yes I hated you for letting me go there and then hated you for me coming back but if you just thought fuck it. We can be good for my daughter and cared, but then you lied, again and again for nothing. You didn’t even care when I came back so I will always see Paula as my mother, to this day she allows me in her home and treats me like her son. I know it all mom, I do. See I call you mom! You don’t deserve the title, but you let me down, I was a kid. What the fuck did I know, so why? That isn’t a way to win a man back, fuck his brother and you still here!? Living and breathing, the elephant in the room is that clearly, so go on?” my mom looks rough but it’s her persona that gets me, she is not with me at all, she is just heartless like I am just nothing to her in a way “my pride and joy, not so much that though Maurice, you was never my son. I was the oven, and the bun was cooked and was taken by Marquis. It added to the fact I am not maternal at all; I don’t know what to do or how to be a mother. I didn’t want kids, that is the truth, but I had three. If you came first then I wouldn’t have had an extra two. I didn’t bond with you, and I see you as what it is, money. You have my genes in you, but I don’t feel anything towards you Maurice, neither do I Malik. I don’t really care about anyone Maurice, that left a lot time ago. I deal with him because he bought me, I mean who cares” nodding my head slowly “right, so is that it? You saw dad was with Paula and was like, I need to fuck his brother. Did you get abused when you were younger? You are not right in the mind at all, you are so dead in the eyes” leaning closer to her “I am nothing” she shrugged laughing, looking at my dad “she only wants money, that is her Maurice” my dad said, turning away from everyone and pacing off.

I don’t understand why but I have a heart for my mom, I don’t know why and why this is happening. I just don’t know; I don’t think she is normal. Nobody can be like that, nobody in their right mind can be this way. I just don’t know, I don’t know “come on now Maurice, we haven’t got all day. What do you want to happen to her? You have no home in Texas now, I am done with you” my dad said but I don’t know what to say really, I look at her and I see me in her because she is my mother “did I miss everything” looking behind me, Nalah is here “yes you did Nalah, your mom also got beat too” my dad laughed “mom, what happened? Oh my god” my mom turned away from Nalah “did I miss it all? I just needed to deal with things” waving Nalah over, Robyn is glaring at me, but I just need my sister “nice to know you are back with us Maurice, my god. You were out of it at the party” that is not my problem right now “just come here for me” standing in the corner of the meeting room “what is wrong with you, you have the sad face going on is it Robyn?” shaking my head “stand here” I pointed in front of me “I don’t want to shout” I said in a whisper “oh ok” Nalah moved in front of me “I bought it up, about Malik to mom. Dad wants me to I don’t know, take everything off her. And I can do it now, but you and I both know that the safety box she has got is non-existent, Wade told me that. She has nothing when everything was coming to me she has nothing. The things I have to fulfil mentions nothing of her. Dad wants me to I don’t know, throw her and destroy her but” I paused putting my head down “you can’t” Nalah finished off for me “that is dad’ job not yours, he should be doing it. He has got a face on with you about what went on so in a way he is punishing you, but just to add you are an idiot but for this. You shouldn’t be doing anything to mom, I thought you hated her anyways?” I swallowed hard “I have a heart Nalah, this is what gets me in fucked up shit. Mom is just not normal, she acts like she loves money but that is not real, it’s just mentally not right with her. I mean I kind of knew when I was younger she was never right but, I look at her” I froze, I am not about to cry “she gave birth to me and she looks like me, and I was angry but I am not” Nalah blew out air knowing this is a hard situation “Jesus Maurice, mom has been a bitch. She has been driving Robyn crazy” nodding my head “I get it, but she does shit for what? Attention, there is no reason for it, she has lied so much and told Robyn she has money put away, she doesn’t. Mom is not normal, and it is bugging me” rubbing my face.

I am frustrated “out of everything, you still call her mom and it always showed me that you cared for her. First of all, dad need to do his own shit not you, I will say it to dad or better yet you do it. Maybe” Nalah paused thinking “I been thinking this because mom is not normal. I don’t think she was when she met dad, I was thinking of getting her back with her own family, I don’t think she loves money as much as she puts on. I mean we all rather cry in a million dollar mansion, she has always been depressive as fuck, uncle hated dad anyways so what better way then fuck his wife. It’s lies, everything is lies. This needs to be a fresh start for you, for us and everyone else. What do you want to do, tell me?” Nalah said “I don’t want to destroy her like dad wants, I think in my heart. Like I am doing with Malik, knowing she is happy at least but away from us. We all been affected by dad, I love him, but he has done it to us all. Then Robyn will think I just did it and not took her side” Nalah shook her head “listen to me, you tell dad you do your job. You do what you want because I have my wife, and that is Robyn. Then I will take mom, she will come with me and put her up in some fancy shit and I will find out. Probably put mom in some counselling sessions too while I am at it, but then you need to help Malik while I deal with mom. Just let’s start off there, nobody needs to know. Mom will be away from dad so it may change. I am not judging you for having a heart because if you did try and do whatever, I would have helped her on the low. I think it’s a mess, a mess that our dad started and never ended” hugging Nalah “awww, you’re my little brother, an idiot but also got a good heart on you” Nalah hugged me back.

My dad is looking at both Nalah and then me “a lot of whispering, did any of you hear?” my dad looked around him “nobody heard so boss, tell us what is next” swallowing hard “I want you to do your own dirty work, without hitting her because at the end of the day a man shouldn’t do that. You deal with mom; you have thrown her out. So, divorce her then, end it. But this is your mess, not mine” my dad is staring at me, he is staring at me hard “I don’t like weak Maurice, I sense it. Be a man, the weak is not us Maurice. I can see it in your eyes, you are plotting something else. You are showing heart, she was horrible to your future. What are you going to do about it Maurice!? You want your daughter gone because you let heart get to you! Boy, don’t make me put sense into you” taking in a deep breath “you know what dad, he is your golden child but you sure did bully his ass. I blame you for not letting him show his heart, you need to leave him alone now. It’s done, it’s over! Your lonely and she is free” Nalah stuck up for me “Robyn let me love, and yes my heart has got me in a lot of shit, but she has shown me how I can be, to see good in people. I don’t want to be you dad! I don’t want to destroy shit; I don’t want lies! This is all you dad; I am done with it. You wanted me to be a bastard like you with a woman I hate, that was it. I remember those conversations dad! It’s a daughter son, what are you going to do about it!? You didn’t want angel did you!? You’re a hypocrite” I pointed at him “always wanted mommy’ love didn’t you, you needed hard love Maurice. We don’t do weak and that is all you do is show weak to me, reminds of that night when you peed yourself when I told you! To look after your siblings but did you. You couldn’t do that right, scared of some robbers? You know what, I am here to wipe your ass when you are ready Maurice, I am done with this conversation and Joy, you have twenty four hours to get your shit from the Texas home and if you want to tell on me, then so be it. Come on T, let’s go” my dad walked out.

Nalah hit my arm “come over here for a minute” rubbing the back of my head walking behind Nalah “dad will end up calling you soon, but I just want to go over this with you. I will take mom with me, and we going to try and see if mom is well and truly that way, but I have been always wanting to take her back to her parents, I think you are right. We can keep our distance but least we know she will be with her family, I mean someone got to love her” nodding my head “yeah, well she hasn’t said a word since the whole beating and saying that. So, I guess it is on you, just put her up somewhere. Imagine being with a guy and he left you nothing, but you still put up with his bullying ways. I can’t imagine they was good even before we were born, I just think she was there to have a baby. So yeah, just you do that. I don’t have a phone currently, I will get Ally on that” tucking my shirt in, I don’t know why because I need to change these, but I am anxious “dad plays you too much but stop giving him an excuse to come at you like that too, you better go” rubbing my face turning around “uh Nalah, get Ally on the phone for me. Just tell her that I need to speak to her and that she can bring Reign down too” standing at the side of my mom “leave through the back with Nalah, and I know everything. You had nothing on him, he did it but you lied and just threatened him. You want to know how I found out?” my mom looked up at me “I asked Wade to hire a private investigator, you don’t have nothing and I know my dad knows this too, I don’t know why he kept you around. It was probably some mind control; I don’t know because he loved Paula. Since I now have the paperwork for everything, when dad dies, you get nothing. You are literally living for the moment. Acts up now, but yeah. Nalah will deal with the rest” stepping back “Jay, walk them out too” stuffing my hands in my pockets.

This is like a queue system; I have Robyn and Terry now. Sitting on the edge of the table staring at Robyn “I am sorry for my behaviour and whatever the fuck I did, I am paying for it now” I apologised because I am sorry “what just happened with your mom?” Robyn asked “Wade has been investigating my mom since I found out, there is nothing. She has nothing, her shit is lies. I’ve seen my dad’ will and he ain’t left shit to her, Paula has been left what should have been my mom’ and when Wade told me that in real terms, she is just a nobody. Speaking to her, she just seems not right. Bit like Malik I guess, I don’t want to battle my mother because that is bad vibes, only thing I can do is get her help and then give her back to her family, and yes the family she left. I think they will be happy to see her back. And just give her a monthly living allowance, if not then she will be on the streets which then makes me look bad unless we kill her. I am done with this fight with people, Davenport name has been through shit, we need some truth” I am tired from this shit “you have a good heart, this is why I love you” I laughed, I had to laugh “I didn’t like to see your dad like that with you, he reminded me of that Marquis I met the first time and I didn’t like that for you” the door opened, pushing myself away from the table seeing Ally and Reign “she was very good, she didn’t cry and just played” smiling at Reign walking over to them, Robyn held out a polaroid to me “our baby, I was not well” looking down at the polaroid and looked away “uh, we have work to do. I need you to get me a new phone. And some new clothes, anything. Come back and get Wade on the phone. I will be in the office here” Ally looked at me all wide eyed “ok that is fine, I will” Ally said, Reign whined out “I have work to do, Jay will escort you all out” I said walking off “you going to walk off?” Robyn spat “I need time alone” looking at Reign with her arms out but turned away from her “you could have waited to show that” overhearing Terry say but it’s too late, I want to cry but I won’t as I made my way to the lobby. I look even more like a shit person, it’s just added to everything else now.