#because of how their relationship functioned for years and how they both are
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The Brucie and Dick relationship.
[Obligatory ânew to comic canonâ warning, where I use my Tumblr to process all my thoughts!]
While thinking today about the impact that Bruce and Batman have on Dick growing up, I realised there was a third person to consider.
What impact does Brucie have on Dick?
Because Brucie is a big part of the Bruce/Batman/Brucie identity triangle, although he often isnât really taken into consideration when looking at their overall relationship with Dick. However, Brucie is who the world in general sees â his colleagues, his âfriendsâ, the women he dates and the people he socialises with. There are articles written about him in the papers, paparazzi snapping his pictures. Businesses and charities being set up in his name.
The thing is though, once Dick comes along, Brucie isnât just a solo act. Now, Bruce has to decide what role Dick plays in the persona.
Brucie is deliberately crafted to send particular messages: heâs not a threat, heâs easy to manipulate, heâs rather stupid and clumsy but well-meaning and incredibly likeable.  Which means that, when they are together in public (or even when Brucie is talking about him without Dick being present), Brucie and Dick are meant to send a message as well. I canât see their public relationship not being just as carefully crafted as the Brucie one â if itâs not, it puts the whole Brucie persona at risk. This isnât Bruce having a relationship with Dick, after all â itâs Brucie.
I havenât seen enough of Brucie and Dick together to really formulate something based more deeply in canon, so a couple of thoughts instead about what that message might be intended to be. Is the message supposed to be that they are a shiny happy family (completely normal, as much as a man and his ward can be)? From what we know of Brucie, that would mean that Brucie would likely be more openly affectionate when they are together, much more tactile and prouder of Dick than Bruce or Batman would be.
Is the message more supposed to be the scatterbrained playboy who collects things that interests him in a well-meaning way but moves on quickly, meaning Brucie is more likely to be kind but dismissive of Dick and their relationship?
Both versions send a message: one that is we are a normal, functional family (who clearly are not Batman and Robin!), one where the relationship is more superficial and Dick isnât really quite that important anymore and therefore you shouldnât worry too much about him/think about him/consider him to heavily connected to Brucie at all (and all the risks that might involve for Dick, Batman and Bruce).
Both serve a protective role and both are deliberately crafted, but neither are necessarily healthy for actual Dick in the long run â especially as this would have all started when Dick was 9-10 years old. Heâs not only having to navigate his own, actual relationship with Bruce (and Batman), but manage a fake version of it as well.  And, while Dick knows that itâs all an act and probably at times finds the whole Brucie situation deeply amusing while being frustrated at other times with how people underestimate Bruce, I could also see how the deliberate choices that Bruce makes about how Brucie and Dickâs relationship is portrayed could have a deeper impact.
After all ⌠Affectionate!Brucie potentially highlights that Bruce chooses not to be like that with him at other times - heâs clearly capable of acting that way but doesnât necessarily feel that way. Or, at the very least, it highlights what could have been but isnât. Dismissive!Brucie potentially highlights some of Dickâs greatest fears. Â
There are also things that Dick could learn just from Brucie away from the Dick and Brucie relationship (you never show your true self to people, even if they are not a threat â they are ALWAYS a threat) that have the potential to shape how he sees the world.
Again, none of these are fully realised thoughts or ideas. There are also a dozen other variations of the Brucie and Dick relationship that Bruce might have crafted, but I think the thing I am getting at is that Bruce would have crafted something â and that potentially this might have had some impact on Dick. He grew up with Brucie alongside Batman and Bruce, after all. I could see young!Dick absolutely leaning into it and loving to play whatever the role was (love the âitâs us against the worldâ feel), but you get the sense that as he gets older, some realisations might creep in.
Which leads me to my last random thought: are there some versions of the Brucie and Dick relationship where Brucie of all people is actually a better parent than Bruce is (especially later on)? Brucie â who is generally ridiculed and looked down upon by everyone who knows that he is an act? Who is meant to represent all the things that Bruce and Batman arenât so as to throw people off their scent. Are there versions of the Dick and Brucie relationship where Dick might actually prefer some of those Brucie traits to some of Bruce and Batman's more harsher edges? Â
From a purely evil head canon perspective, I kind of like the thought that, out of all the Batkids, Dick is the only one who actually enjoys Brucie at times, because when Affectionate!Brucie is in action he can lean into the warmth of the father-son dynamic without it being complicated or difficult, even if it is just for a short time. And you know what the kicker would be? Bruce would probably tell Dick afterwards how well he played the role.
âŚ. I did not intend to have so much to say about this relationship as I did!
#batfamily#dick grayson#nightwing#dick grayson and bruce wayne#dick grayson meta#batman meta#dick grayson and Brucie Wayne#batman
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How do you think Severus would relate to a child of his own, if he had one? What kind of father do you think he would be?
There are so many possible answers to this question because it would really depend on the context in which Snape became a father (before or after the War), his childâs personality, and, of course, what his partner would be like. But, letâs assume weâre talking about a post-War Snape in an AU, because honestly, I canât imagine canon Severus being a father in any wayâit would literally be suicidal. Having a child would not only endanger his mission as a spy but also give his enemies perfect leverage to use against him. And heâs already suffered too much in life to throw in that level of angst. So, starting from a scenario where thereâs no war and Severus can focus on being both calm and depressed (because heâd still be depressed, especially if he no longer has a clear purpose keeping him going), I donât think the idea of fatherhood would really thrill him at first. Itâs not like heâs someone whoâs ever thought of having children, or at least he ruled out the possibility long ago. If he had a partner who wanted kids, I think heâd agree, but with a terrifying sense of dread about fatherhood because 1) his parental role models are terrible, and he never had a functional upbringing, and 2) heâs never really liked kids. It probably wouldnât occur to him that maybe the issue is that he doesnât like other peopleâs kids, but his own would be different. Thatâs why I think his partner would be a fundamental factor in thisâsupporting him throughout the process and keeping him grounded about his own traumas.
That said, I imagine him as a strict but supportive father, one who sets rules and commands respect but without using violence or verbal attacks on his children. Heâd especially try to spare them the awful childhood he endured with his own father. But I still see him as the kind of dad who has rules and expects them to be followed, the classic type who cares a lot about grades and school behavior (he was a teacher for 18 years, after all). Heâd probably see certain grades as failures if they didnât meet expectations. Heâd likely be a bit awkward with affection, although heâd find his own ways to make his children feel loved, valued, and accepted. Heâd be a present father but would struggle to be fully emotionally open, though heâd likely improve this over time and with effort.
I also see him preferring to have daughters, or at least finding it much easier to bond with a daughter. Iâve always thought that itâs simpler for Severus to relate to women (Lily was his first friend, and the other person he spent time with as a child was Petunia, also a girl. As much as he picked on Hermione, he wasnât as harsh with her as he was with Harry, Neville, or Ron. He seemed to have a fairly close relationship with Narcissa, etc.). Basically, most of the men in his life have been abusers (his father, the Marauders, Dumbledore manipulating and blackmailing him, Voldemort...), so heâs more at ease, or maybe just more himself, when heâs around women. I can see him thinking that he might not fully understand âgirl stuff,â but that itâs better than having a son whoâs into Quidditch and facing the prospect of not knowing how to deal with a boy who represents all the typical âboyâ interests and behaviors that Severus doesnât really embody. Heâd probably have some anxiety over thisâsomething common among men who donât fit into stereotypical norms associated with their own gender.
Still, whether he had a son or a daughter, heâd try to provide them with a functional and stable home, where thereâs affection and respect, allowing them to grow up with the security he never had. I donât see him as an âeasyâ father because he has too much baggage, but heâd be aware of that baggage and try to address it when he realizes heâs messed up. He wouldnât do that for others, but heâd do it for his children.
#severus snape#severus snape headcanon#snape headcanon#snapedom#severus snape fandom#pro severus snape#pro snape#severus snape defense#severus snape meta
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You know what? You're right! Sorry, I'mma hijack your post. Have some headcanons for The Valkyries, my loves!
Marlene:
Suuuuper physical and athletic. Enjoys getting up close and personal. Obviously this means she's a quidditch beater, but she also learned about roller derby from Lily and Mary and became obsessed. Every summer she drags them to do roller derby at least once, and she's on a muggle team.
Marlene's default response to any negative emotion is FIGHT. You know how some people will cry when they're angry or tired or overwhelmed? Marlene starts swinging, both physically and verbally at the sign of any bad feeling: physical discomfort, sadness, just being really stressed---she's got a short temper.
Marlene is an extrovert. She requires interaction with other people to function. Isolating causes her to get too into her own head and wear herself out trying to keep up with her own thoughts (and also she gets bored easily). Being around others relaxes her. This is unfortunate, because she's not too fond of many other people.
Marlene is omnisexual with a heavy preference toward women. Her parents are homophobic. This does take a toll on her. She's in heavy denial for a lot of her school years, despite gravitating toward other queer people, and she stays closeted for even longer. When she did come out, it put a lot of strain in the relationship, but the war made it so that both sides did their best to look past it and not bring things up. They died defending each other.
She's demiromantic, but allosexual. She'll one-night stand her friends, but a healthy romantic relationship for her does mean sex first.
Her best subjects are transfiguration, herbology, and defense against the dark arts, but her favorite is actually muggle studies. She gets average to below average marks and dislikes all her other classes. She's also dyslexic.
She's VERY scottish, and has a super thick accent (thanks @oneluckygoose)
Marlene's got a baby brother that she dotes on and adores, but he's like 5 years younger than her and in a different house, so he doesn't interact with her school-friends much. They do go out of their way to send each other rude mail at breakfast and everybody else has learned to sit several seats away before either McKinnon opens a package.
She's punk as all get out. In dress, interests, attitude, whatever. She's a punk.
She's the best of the group at apparating. She took to it like a frog to water, and will pull a Fred and George and apparate really short distances just to show off.
Mary:
Is a user of weaponized kindness. Her motto is the one that goes "Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much." As someone who experiences untold bigotry as a black queer muggleborn woman from both the wizarding world and the muggle one, she's got the art of making YOU feel like the asshole perfected. When people say rude things to her, she usually smiles and responds by asking them how their day has been and why they're so angry right now. She'll listen genuinely and try to respond with kindness because it makes that person feel like the bigoted dick they are. The ruder they are to her, the calmer and more polite she gets.
But she's not a doormat. She's the kind of girl who could go into politics with how she's capable of proving you wrong and defusing a situation in one sentence. She won't let people take advantage of her or be needlessly mean, but she's not going to stoop to their level and be rude right back. She's also capable of really subtle insults that go straight over their heads
She's a lesbian trans girl! She's also fat and hot af.
She loves fashion, but not trends. She likes to look hot, and that frequently means DENYING trends. She loves thrifting and retouching and sewing shit herself. She also makes an effort to make sure her materials are ethically sourced. Her aesthetic is basically "regal elegant princess if she decided to wear casual wear that day." She's also really great at dressing other people and loves to do so. Give her a list of what you like and a solid week, and she'll have at least 5 good outfits put together.
She doesn't play quidditch because she's afraid of heights, but she does enjoy the strategy behind the game and is quite good at muggle soccer/football.
She's a pianist. She's been taking lessons since she was like 7.
She's VERY good at networking. Her genuine care and affection for the human population, her gentleness, and her sweet voice all make her very approachable. She's the one who first made friends with kids in other houses, and she did a lot for fusing the groups.
She's seen as one of the big teachers of muggle culture at school. People feel like they can go to her with their questions, and she does a lot to help close the gap between the two worlds with the students she's close to.
Despite both these things, she's introverted, and dislikes large crowds of people she doesn't know well.
Her best subjects are charms, astronomy, and history of magic (she doesn't let binns stop her. She learns everything from textbooks).
Lily
While Marlene is the most likely to start a fistfight, Lily is the most likely to start a verbal spar. She is VERY opinionated and unafraid to make those opinions known. If you say something she thinks is wrong, she'll call you out on it immediately. Which one of them is most likely to start a magic duel is a toss-up, depending on their moods that day.
Lily takes it upon herself to watch over and take care of other people. Lost first year? Congratulations, you're adopted now. She'll give you directions, draw you a map of the school, show you all the secret passages and periodically check up on you at meals. Desk-partner who's struggling in potions? You won't be struggling for long because you've just gained a personal tutor. Crying in the bathroom? She's comforting you, helping with your problem, inviting you to girls night, and getting ice cream with you every hogsmeade weekend.
While this is something she loves doing and is a natural inclination of hers, it also exhausts her and leaves her very little energy for people she DOESN'T like.
She relies very heavily on her first impressions and gut instincts. While they're usually right, she does have some difficulty reexamining when people have changed. On the other hand, it makes her great at split second decisions, especially in tense situations.
She's a champ at wizard's chess, to a degree that frightens people. She got her own set as a gift from Alice (who taught her how to play) in second year.
Her favorite flowers are petunias. Always have been and always will be. She always keeps a pot of them in her dorm and later her house, and sends her sister a pressed one for her birthday every year, even after Petunia stopped responding.
She's an academic over achiever who LOVES school. Like genuinely adores it. She likes being in school. She also attends muggle summer school, and has an impressive command of classical literature, math, and physics.
She's a sucker for animals, and loves being outdoors in general. She's the closest of the group to Hagrid, and helps him out with stuff like taking care of the owls in the winter.
She's demisexual and panromantic, and also absolutely oblivious to romance. She hates romance novels and romcoms, can't tell when her friends are crushing on each other unless they make it ridiculously obvious (James Potter levels obvious), and even then she thinks it's sarcasm a lot. This all makes her eventual feelingd for James even more annoying to her.
She excels at every subject except transfiguration, which she's average at (this annoys her to no end and she stubbornly studies the shit out of it). The only reason she's not getting 12 OWLs is because she sees no need for Muggle Studies and doesn't like Divination. She has a particular knack for Potions and Charms though, with a special focus on Potions. She just GETS the theory and is able to translate it on an instinctual level.
Lily makes a point of not swearing in front of teachers or younger students, but she swears pretty regularly when in a relaxed casual setting, and is even worse than Marlene when she's pissed (she gets really creative).
She wanted to go to university and become a professional potioneer. She never got the chance.
While I do think Alice is part of their friend group, I also think she's a year above them, so I don't include her in my "valkyries" stuff. I do think she was a really big mentor/big sister figure for all three valkyries as they got their feet under them, and found herself pleasantly shocked when they started mentoring HER in their own ways. I also think she and Frank are the token straights.
it hurt me deeply when i see the marauders get such deep and complex personalities while the girls simply get 'loves to play w { insert one of the marauders'} hair.
the girls of the marauders era deserve to have ten times as much headcanons as the boys do.
to all the devil's advocates out there that may misconstruct my words, i understand that the boys have way more canon info to go off of but if we are always trying to develop more headcanons/make up new headcanons for these characters why couldn't we do it for the girls as well!?
NOW pls do not take what i say next as a personal and direct attack because it simply is not! I love every single character and everyone's collective developments to expand on each. it is really amazing!
from what i seen, we mostly have developed new characters like barty and evan and whoever to have such deep personalities as well and i literally do not see the same for any of our lovely ladies. (i do enjoy all the new characters we have added to the era!)
so what i'm trying to say is can we show some love for our girlies in the marauders era!!?
i'm just yapping sozzzzz
#marauders#marauders era#the marauders era#the valkyries#marauders era headcanons#marauders headcanons#lily evans#lily evans headcanons#mary macdonald#mary macdonald headcanons#marlene mckinnon#marlene mckinnon headcanons#again OP#I'm sorry for hijacking your post#but it felt prudent to put these here#also glitterbomb (marylene) is my roman empire#i will die on this hill
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this scene is ruining my life at first I didnât get it but now I get it and Aughdhyfhfheujfuejfjjfjfnv
#Kusuo learning from Akechi that competition can be fun and playful and not like. Torture.#And then learning that Kuusuke despite his shitty brother-isms is deep down seeking that exact thing#but just doesnât know how to approach it#because of how their relationship functioned for years and how they both are#Like donât get me wrong Kuusuke is uh. Not a good brother and his inferiority complex lead to him hating and mistreating his brother for#Many Years#And I donât think this scene functions as forgiveness exactly (Kusuo still has resentment towards him in later arcs)#But I think itâs a moment where he realizes theyâre both on some level really lonely people#Who have been fighting their whole lives#And being like âhey I donât hate you. Letâs be friends instead of enemies.â#And Kuusukes response being âI should really be the one saying that to youâ#I just. Like itâs a Start.#IDK like Kusuo was completely justified to hate his brother especially after something like the catgun arc#But he doesnât and I think itâs because he realizes that his brother genuinely doesnât hate him anymore#Their whole deal is just really interesting to me but idk how to phrase my thoughts on them coherently#The only thing I wish this arc had was Kuusuke having a âwhat did I do to youâ moment but it is a comedy and we already got that from tori#so ynow#i just say he had that moment post meteor#does any of this make sense#Also it makes me so emo that he pictured akechi
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@stupidrant this is the official, SMS approved (hopefully) gif everyone should use whenever they encounter a fandom troll.
#because any other reasoning just wouldn't work on those people#yesterday stumbled across another troll comment (though not a new one) from an Odin apologist#saying that Odin 'never abused Freya' and women like her 'always lie about those things'#alas there's no option to post gif responses in the YT comment section#otherwise I'd be doing that on a hourly basis whenever seeing nonsense like this; or posts about how#'Thr*d and Atreus should get together; because apparently a girl punching a boy in the face before trying to#chop his head off as he lies helpless on the ground (which she would've done if her mother hadn't interfered) after calling him#'a killer just like his father'; or a boy 15 years of age playing a parent to girl's actual parents - one of whom is#a semi-functioning literally gigantic alcoholic who slaughtered this boy's people and bragged about it in front of him -#is a basis for healthy romance#rather than an actual healthy and equal and caring relationship between Atreus and Angrboda#who trusted him when he admitted he had no idea what he was doing and agreed to share responsibility with him#which was supposed to be his all along but that he wasn't ready to take just yet#in addition to opening up about her own pain of losing both parents just to help him feel better#and aiding him in embracing their shared heritage which was what Atreus wanted from the moment he#learned of his giant background and 'Loki'#that is on top of taking care of Fen while Atreus embarked on a quest of his own (both times) and being the only one who could#sooth him back into human form during his animal transformations using only words of support and physical gentleness
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evidently this is an unpopular opinion but s2 is not about loumand nor was it ever promised that loumand would be the focus... some people set themselves up for disappointment and that's not the fault of the writing. loumand is one important part of the season, but the main focus of s2 is louis and claudia
#with armand as a close second#while the primary function of loumand is to further develop both louis and armand#but then that's really the purpose of relationships in fiction generally#the problem is people have shipping goggles on so much they don't realize this#like they're imagining the story should be about ships from a fandomized lens#and that's just not... how actual stories work lmao#it's all about characters first. relationships just inform the characters#this is why the inclusion of lestat is important because similarly the main purpose is to inform louis's character#like idk i just can't imagine feeling like the season so far should be more about Loumand The Ship#and feeling like the inclusion of lestat makes it about him or loustat#rather than all of these things being in service of louis's character#some ppl's complaints almost feel like victim blaming lmao as if louis should just get over lestat already to move on#in service of their ship and it's like#the man was abused for over 30 years then had to kill his abuser#Can we allow him the space to grapple with that. as is realistic#like seriously is he just supposed to get over it??? That is not how actual human beings function sorry
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â¨personal so read if you want toâ¨
the people in my immediate circle all think i'm crazy for saying i'd want to be in a relationship for 2-3 years before talking about marriage and i think they're all insane for it but then i remember the average time from strangers to married for them is around 6 months
#becca.txt#legit do not think any of their relationships went on for longer than a year before marriage#my bestie went from absolute strangers to married in 4 months#they're adorable together but FOUR MONTHS???wild#they met around christmas and their wedding was in april - they just had their 1st anniversary and their baby's due next month#that's what happens when you're latina and religious i guess#not me thinking that 30s+ is a good age to marry and have kids and everybody thinking i'm insane đ#don't even get me started on HAVING kids -- nobody wants to hear that i can't conceive naturally they all say to stay hopeful!...#there's still a chance!you can do it!like y'all i got stage 4 endometriosis that's taken over both my ovaries i ain't having no kids đ#honestly i've said this before and i'll say it again - if i'm to have a marriage like some of them i'd rather stay single#i think only my bestie has a TRULY happy and functional marriage#i love her for it and her husband's an angel on earth -- everyone else's marriage is a literal dumpster fire#like my dudes if you're doing relationship counseling WHILE DATING then do premarital AND post marital couseling...#why get married???? like i am the biggest supporter of utilizing mental health services but something's not right there#and don't even get me started on how YOUNG they marry or how religious folk play round robin with each other til someone sticks#god forbid you tell anyone you don't want to get married in general or GASP!you marry a non-believer#everybody always talks shit about âmissional datingâ and how you can't do it!!but like... everybody does it#literally everybody#it's not a big deal#just because we're the same denomination doesn't automatically make you a decent person#and the opposite is true - just because we don't believe the same things doesn't make you a hellbound pagan#it's just frustrating y'know???idk if anybody will relate to this but i am so ready to just... do my faith on my own terms#so sick of people i've known all my life looking at me like i'm sick or something bc i'm 26 and still single#by this point if anybody in that circle tries to set me up with a guy it's an automatic aversion#not one man they've ever introduced to me is worth the light of day - and i'm not being rude#like buddy you're 30+ still living at home no job no career no education no ambitions....but he's christian tho!!#yeah sure but he's still trash#i want a partner not a baby imma have to support#just me rambling about things nobody want to hear but i gotta put this out somewhere or else i'll implode
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google what does it mean when someone travels 7 hours during a rail strike just to visit u in ur boring village for 4 days
#quasigh#she even said how when she told her coworkers she was going to wales for new year they were shocked and asked why she would go all that way#like ok it doesnt have to MEAN anything more than we r close friends and she wanted to see me while i was back in the uk for christmas#and i dont even know if i WANT it to mean something...#but also.......... ....#what does it mean if you had an interaction with someone at artists alley together#and something u say has the artist respond 'because she loves u' and u think about it all the time#except one time while u were both drunk u told her u had no romantic feelings for her and she said she didnt either#and u dont even know if thats true anymore because u dont know where the line between platonic and romantic love is except for intent#also u only see each other like twice a year now bc u live in different countries and also r both bad at keeping in regular text contact#so even if u DID have feelings that werent platonic it would be unfair to act on them#especially since u essentially want to keep ur relationship functionally the same#which would deprive her of having a normal first relationship with someone who isnt fucked in the head#what then google??!!
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Hang..
#ran out of tags on the other post but I've got so manynof these#was best friends with a pair of roommates who became so intensely codependent that they both had breakdowns when the other studied abroad#a guy who had siblings regularly terrorized my friend who also had siblings with the corpse of a roachnfor over a year (roommates)#ive known ONE situation where the only chold terrorized an apartment of sibling people. but that's because they were all poc and she was#insanely racist. like so racist that MY little pale jewish ass got weird vibes from her on first contact#learned some good lessons from roommates but none of them are things I'd be able to explain to a kid#except maybe 'if you get the feeling someone's mad at you all the time but won't tell you for some reason just move out'#oh! my friend had a partner who was a terror of a roommate. as in she psychologically terrorized my friend and their roommates#once listened in on a convo that went 'i shouldnt have to warn people I'm walking into an apartment I PAY FOR just because they want a date#oh also @ my niblings sometimes situations are unwinable before you even get there. sometimes people just make up their minds about you#and you just gotta deal with the consequences of that decision. if you're in an unwinnable social situation just hit the bricks#you can't fix something that isn't functionally broken and it puts you in situations where every choice is wrong#living with people who grew up with fucked up sibling relationships created a lot of '0 good dialogue options' situations#cant leave the living room because then they asked for something and got it and that's shameful. can't sit in the living room. they want it.#again i could have been a way better roommate. for a multitude of reasons some under my control some not. but lord in heaven#but having siblings does NOT socialize you to live with other adults i hate that myth every situation I've lived in has proved it wrong#NONE OF US had any clue how to live with people who weren't our relatives#and this will happen to you. you will move out and realize the extent of your habits cause most people's parents just tolerate stuff#or your parents just got used to things that would drive other adults insane and they don't notice the things you do cause they're your kid#(or they might have even taught you those habits/level of cleanliness themselves)#one dude at the boarding house got mad about being asked to have basic responsibility for his room. so he left it covered in trash#and when they went to clean it it was covered in a fine layer of mold on almost every surface. genuine biohazard scene#got hit with 'youre the only person i don't regret letting into my house' from the woman we paid rent to when i moved out#and I'm like gee the bar is in hell đ
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retired!price liked that you had daddy issues. aw, did someone not have a functioning relationship with their father as a child and now has to find that relationship in older men? aw, poor doll. price was more than okay with being called 'daddy' as long as you called him 'captain' too, especially when you were on your knees. while you got off to having an older man praise you, he got off to a pretty little thing calling him captain. you even went as far as to worship his strong physic, how easily he could bend, flip, turn and press into you.
didn't help that your pussy became a fixation for him.
he was close to fifty, his hip had a habit of locking from time to time. he had been hearing about it for years that it was time to have a family. even simon had managed to make a family, price was still hung up on young tail that he could bully his fat cock into. while most younger women were flavours of the week with no string attached. price made sure to attach every metaphorical string onto you. he had a copy of your apartment key. he added a profile for you on his streaming services. he knew on wednesdays you enjoyed pasta, but hated cooking on the weekend. he knew everything about his precious baby girl. you folded into his praise and always were eager to please. and that was what price loved about you. so imagine his shock (anger) when you told him that you thought you'd have to end your arrangement because you met a guy at your university. and when he asked why, you simply said, "i have to grow up at some point.", and that hit price in the head like an ice pick. if you wanted to grow up so badly, baby girl. there were other ways to do it.
the broken condom held weight in price's pocket while you had few drinks during your last 'date' together, he waited till you got all soft because of the wine. till you were on his side of the booth with your leg over his lap and your face pressed against his bicep. you ran your hand across his chest and giggled, "you're taking this whole break up thing so well." and he petted your head, watching you fold into him further, "like you said, you need to grow up." but you both had different definitions of 'growing up'. for you it meant getting over you daddy issues, but to him it was making him a daddy, for real. you giggled further while he gave you another glass of wine. when you tried to say no, he simply pushed it closer to you, "don't want to waste the bottle." and so easily you were in price's grip.
price took you three times that night. first was in the backseat of his expensive car. he pressed you into a corner, claimed that he needed more space for his larger body. your hazy vision was transfixed on the glimmer of his gold chain against his hairy chest in the low light. your poor body bent in such ways while he pace was relentless. he admired your unsteady gaze and your heavy breathing. he continued to move against you with such a pace that the whole car rocked. but don't worry, the parking lot was dead at that hour. you could scream your head off and no one would hear either of you. he did however put a tear in your panties. right in the crotch area. he sighed and said that he'd need to buy you something a little. while he loved the cheap pairs you owned, he thought his woman deserved something a little nicer. the future mrs. price needed to look next to perfection.
then he fingered you heavily in his bed and watched you squirm. he had to make sure every drop got deep enough before he bullied your sweet pussy once more. he loved the sight of you, still so fucked out from prior. you were in a daze in the car ride home. your breathing was heavy when he pushed the skirt of your dress up a little and teased your cunt while he drove. only to go further once you were naked on his bed. he watched your ass jiggle with each of his power thrusts while he took you from behind. he felt like a mad man while he fucked you. he was determined. he only got to where he was in his career because of grit and determination. he wouldn't back down to a challenge, especially when the stakes were so high. your pussy need to be bred, you needed to be with price. he never wanted to hear anything about another man ever again. price would hate to take drastic measures if another man tried to get in his way. if you needed a collar or a tattoo, the taste of his cum constantly your lips or leaked into your panties, price would do it all to ensure that you were his. the most effective way to ensure that was what kept him going through two rounds of sex without any pains. to get you pregnant. you had already forgotten about the broken condom, it still was in price's pocket! no use using it now, even bother giving the illusion that he wasn't breeding you.
the third time was when you tried to leave the next morning, he had you upside down on the bed. your bottom half on the mattress while all the blood rushed to your head as you tried not to fall on your head. price put bruises on top of bruises. your poor cunt was creamy with promises of the future. a future with him. the blood rush made you cum twice on his cock, adding fresh slick to his coated cock. you thought that older men were supposed to slow down with age. but it felt like price was even quicker than before. his pace brutal, almost like punishment for trying to leave him. but price didn't get to be captain because he followed one plan. he was going to ease you into married life, slowly make you the perfect woman for him. he was traditional that way. church wedding, the white dress, the vows. that would all happen, but might take a little longer. he wasn't too sure that a baby bump would fit nicely in a wedding dress. the thought of you pregnant, trapped to him made him eagerly finish in you two times. and when he got you back up onto the bed, you were fucked out. when you managed to collect your clothes and stagger out of his flat by mid-afternoon, you thought you made it in time to the pharmacy to get emergency plan b.
you prayed, and you never prayed. you promised three versions of 'god' that you'd convert to their religion if the pill worked. but three deities failed you and a month later price was in your apartment with his hands on the plastic pregnancy test. he scratched his beard and looked at you. he tried so hard to put on his best acting face. "that's a real shame, baby girl." he said in that rough voice of his that got you in trouble in the first place. he leaned back a little in your kitchen chair and placed the test back down on the table, "always wanted to be a father." he frowned a little bit, "never got the chance too. they said when i retired that the chances were low of me havin' a baby..." he looked at you. you should've known he was lying. his swimmers obviously weren't shot by how easily you got pregnant. you felt bad, almost like you were burdening him with getting pregnant. that it was your fault. you rung your hands and admitted softly, "we can try... we can make a family." and price smiled, "oh, doll." then got up to embrace you. you sniffled and cried a little in his strong chest. he held you in his strong arms. he was your protector even though his cock was straining in his jeans at the knowledge that he fundamentally changed you.
your body, your life, everything. when he released you from the hug, he got down on his knees. made a point to make a small 'huff' noise from being down on his 'bad' knee before he pushed up your t-shirt and pressed a kiss against your stomach. he said to you, "don't worry, love. daddy'll take care of ya." then gave that smile that wrapped around you like a vice. <3
#bunny writes#bunny drabbles#retired!price#reader insert#call of duty#captain john price x reader#john price x reader#john price cod#captain john price#john price#price smut#captain john price smut#john price smut#captain john price x you#captain johnathan price#call of duty modern warfare#call of duty modern warfare 2#call of duty x reader#call of duty smut#call of duty x you#cod smut#cod x reader#cod x you
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Synastry & Composite Chart Notes/Observations:
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When someoneâs Mercury falls into our 4th house their words can often stick with us for quite a while due to this houseâs association with memories and the past. A much similar thing can happen when our Moon is placed in another's 3rd house or is in aspect to their Mercury. Reflecting on past conversations can be a common occurrence here. Words strike an emotional chord.
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I find that when a person's Saturn is in aspect to another's Venus they tend to seek the approval and liking of the Venus person; Venus has the ability to build up the Saturn personâs worth - something Saturn struggles to do on its own. Venus can seek out Saturnâs approval just as much, but often in a slightly different way - one more akin to the way a child seeks their parents approval: to feel certain and affirmed, whereas Saturn is looking to feel valued and admired.Â
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I recently saw a clip of Chappell Roan talking about Joan Jett at one of her Q&A's saying, "She's, like, my celebrity crush. My gay awakening happened this year and it was because I saw a TikTok of Joan Jett, and I was like - obviously I've been gay - but it wasn't until I saw Joan Jett singing Crimson and Clover in the 80s [that I was like], 'oh my god'." I thought this was a very funny and on the nose example of 1H Venus synastry, with Chappell's Venus falling into Joan's 1st house - immediate, intense attraction is often a theme here.
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The 6th house in a composite chart can speak to how well we maintain the relationship - itâs the consistent efforts needed to keep the connection healthy and functioning at its best. A poorly placed 6th house can, in some cases, indicate a disorganized relationship where one or both people neglect to create structure; planning and specifics may be ignored here, causing the connection to feel disjointed. A well-placed 6th house can point to these matters falling into place more easily - establishing a consistent routine or falling into a proper rhythm together likely comes naturally.
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We can find that we feel most confident around a person when we're tapped into the energy of the planet/s their Venus touches in our chart:
Mercury: intelligent, curious, clever, helpful, efficient, communicative, logical, adaptive, informative
Pluto: deep, complex, mysterious, observant, profound, intense, raw, powerful
Uranus: unconventional, rebellious, freedom-seeking, inventive, visionary, unpredictable, exciting
Moon: sensitive, emotionally responsive, gentle, heartfelt, intuitive, security-oriented, deeply caring, vulnerable
Saturn: competent, pragmatic, mature, grounded, disciplined, stoic, reliable, responsible, safeguarding, displays boundaries
Sun: authentic, lively, warm, joyful, sincere, expressive, creative, entertaining, distinct, playful
Venus: sweet, fair, giving, affectionate, social, tolerant, calm, attuned to the wants and needs of others
Mars: protective, brave, strong, driven, bold, assertive, quick to action, passionate, independent, able to lead
Jupiter: larger than life, wise, hopeful, moral, generous, easy-going, open-minded, transcendent, ever-growing, possessing strong conviction
Neptune: compassionate, dreamy, otherworldly, selfless, elusive, intangible, unbounded
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I find that 9th house synastry can create an almost religious-like devotion to the other person - both people put a lot of faith in each other here. These relationships infuse our lives with meaning and allow us to feel connected to something much bigger than ourselves.
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I've noticed that when someone's Pluto is making strong aspects to another person's chart, the planet person tends to feel intimidated or overpowered in their presence - ordinary things like eye contact or small talk may feel more intense with this person. This intensity can oscillate between feeling fascinating and overwhelming
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I think a very sweet element of 5th house synastry is how we can often feel inspired to create for the other person - whether that's knitting them a sweater, painting them a picture, writing them a poem, etc. - they urge us to express ourselves through original and creative means.
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The composite 10th house, being the highest point in the chart, is very on display - planets falling here can speak to the qualities people tend to associate with the pair. However, this isn't a very personal house and what's projected to the public likely isn't a full representation of the relationship; the position of this house can point to common misconceptions outsiders might have about the two:
Mars here can indicate people thinking there's tension between the two, even when there isn't.
Saturn here can indicate people thinking the pair is very serious and undemonstrative, others might assume there's emotional distance between them.
Venus here can indicate people assuming the two are dating or are romantically interested in each other, even when that's not the case.
(this can also be applied to the ruler of the composite 10H)
That's all for now!
#synastry#astrology#astro notes#astro community#synastry overlays#synastry notes#composite chart#composite chart notes#zodiac#astrology observations#astro observations
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Just finished Good Omens 2 and I'm honestly boggling at the Aziraphale hate because yes, his decision led to the angsty cliffhanger, but it makes SO much sense for his character. Not just in a "Religious brainwashing and sunk-cost fallacy" kinda way but also a "Aziraphale has no reason to believe this isn't the perfect solution" way. That scene among the nebula is crucial because it establishes that Crowley loved being an angelâreveled in his ability to create and allow his creations to grow kinda like plantsâand the only problem was that someone else was calling the shots, someone who wouldn't listen to his criticism. Aziraphale has also spent 6,000+ years watching Crowley do good, all the while forced to deny the fact that he's "nice" lest embracing his original nature get him into trouble with hell. Now, Metatron comes along with an offer that fixes everything in one fell swoop. Crowley can be an angel again, be nice without censure, his ideas and criticisms will hold weight because he'll be answering to Aziraphale, and they'll be together.
It strikes me that Aziraphale isn't there when Crowley sees Gabriel's trial, ergo he likewise doesn't see the (non)acknowledgement that there's an institutional problem up in Heaven. There just happen to have been two archangels who called it quits. Same when Gabriel blurts that phrase out to Crowley. Aziraphale has always been more blind to the ways in which Heaven is "toxic" (for very understandable reasons) and this season he's continually sheltered from new evidence of its structural problems. The plot just preaches to the choir: Crowley. He likewise wouldn't see the conflict Gabriel and Beelzebub have caused as evidence of an underlying problem because that's a problem he and Crowley will no longer share. Why would they be worried about Heaven still being unable to accept partnerships between angels and demons when Crowley will no longer be a demon? And that's something he presumably wants based on Aziraphale's memories of him and the ongoing admission that he's lonely.
The way I see it, they got what they thought they wanted at the start of Season 2. Heaven and Hell are keeping an eye on them, but functionally they're left alone. Crowley can spend all the time he wants with Aziraphale and nothing comes of that except that they're both continually named traitors and the higher-ups grumble about it. If Gabriel had never shown up, things should have been perfect based on Crowley's "Let's just run away and have each other's company" standards. Better, even, considering that they get to be together on their beloved Earth, rather than being bored out in Alpha Centauri without any sushi, plants, books, or Bentleys. And yet... Crowley doesn't strike me as particularly happy. Because, you know, based on that kiss he wants to be with Aziraphale, not just literally be with him, but the point of this post is that his "Let's run away and be an 'us'" falls totally flat when he doesn't explain that specific desire to Aziraphale; the desire to change what an 'us' means. From Aziraphale's perspective they're already an 'us.' That was the entire point of "our side" in Season 1 and now they can continue to be 'us' up in Heaven. Plus, Aziraphale likely sees this as a sacrifice on his part. He will give up his bookshop, his Earthly indulgences, take on the responsibilities of leadership (which I don't think he actually wants for a variety of reasons), and spend the rest of eternity in a place where he's felt so small because he thinks that's what Crowley wants. Crowley was happy as an angel. Crowley wanted them to be together without risk of permanent discorporation. They were able to achieve that after not-Armageddon and he still wasn't happy... so surely those two things together will do the trick. Crowley never actually articulates how he wants their relationship to change and the kiss comes much too late, when he's already rejected what Aziraphale must see as a perfect, selfless solution he's secured for them. Even if Crowley wasn't always moving too fast for him, an overture of romance isn't going to go well after that.
Is this crushing and angsty and devastating as a hiatus? Damn straight, my heart it breaking. But it's a good setup. More importantly, it makes perfect sense for their characters, particularly when they're still talking past one another. Aziraphale is someone who has always moved more slowly as a matter of course, as an angel he has remained immersed in the rhetoric of Heaven, his main avenue of breaking free of that (Crowley) has a huge communication problem (to say nothing of his own denial. He only made headway with the help of Nina and Maggie, seconds before Aziraphale shows up), and Metatron (in a no doubt incredibly manipulative manner) has just offered Aziraphale a job that presumably makes him happy AND Crowley happy AND allows him to maintain the moral this-is-how-the-universe-works perspective he's had since he was literally created. Of course he's going to say yes to all that!! And sure, there are problems in Heaven, Aziraphale isn't completely blind, but he can fix them now that he's in charge. How? Well... he'll figure that out later! Kinda like how he's been making plans on the fly this entire season. That seems logical from his perspective, right? It's not like he's gotten a crash-course in the concept of the master's tools never being able to dismantle the master's house...
#Good Omens#Good Omens spoilers#Good Omens 2#Good Omens 2 spoilers#GO2#GO2 spoilers#mymetas#this is so rough and I'll probably write better metas later#but I just have FEELINGS RIGHT NOW OKAY
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It is done! This is The Death of Translation, originally written in English by @landwriter, translated into Mandarin by @thirrith. Binding is dos-Ă -dos, with English version on one side and Mandarin on the other. Bookcloth was handwoven by me, on my rigid heddle loom :3
More under the cut!
Typeset: Fanbinders are Liars
Full stop, this typeset would not have been possible without Eth and all their patience, enthusiasm, and willingness to do even more translating! I reached out to them *checks watch* nearly a year ago in July 2023 (lololol), asking if I could use their translation of TDOT in a surprise bind I wanted to send along with Gloam's author copy of Flower King. They were kind enough to say yes, and even kinder to answer my questions when I reached out six months later in January, when I was finally able to start work on the typeset.
We talked about the many delicious things that are bound to come up when discussing translating not just from English to Mandarin, but also from digital space to meatspace. Some topics I had anticipated, like font questions, translating the colophon, etc. But even with the topics I thought I'd prepared for, there were still things that came up that both surprised and delighted: for example, while AO3's website allows for italics in Mandarin--
--my publishing program doesn't (or at least, it doesn't without needing to manually tilt every character by about 10 degrees). So as a workaround, Eth suggested changing these cases of italics to the font ĺć漡ä˝:
Through no one's fault but my own, this ended up being only slightly less work than manually tilting every instance of italics--I wanted to be sure that I got all of them, so I ended up doing a lot of double-checking manually anyway, instead of relying solely on the Search function. There was a lot of cross-referencing with the Word document that Eth was kind enough to provide, as well as squinting and general swearing. I also did the same for the uses of Latin script, manually styling each instance as Garamond to keep it consistent with the English edition:
The only other time I've had to do font surgery this intensive is probably for my typeset for Tell Me About the Big Bang, which I had to port over from a PDF. Folks, hell on earth. Do not recommend XD I remember squinting at my monitor as I had to visually confirm every instance of italics, thinking I will never do this again. Welp, four years later, here were are: fanbinders are liars, LMAO. At the very least, using Eth's Word document at least allowed me to search by styles, so it was a little easier on my eyes. đ
Is there a script that I might've been able to use if I was more code-savvy? Probably. But I figured going at it sledgehammer style would be the least hair-pulling way to get the job done, weirdly enough. Still, despite my best efforts, there are a few instances of PMingLiU to Garamond and PMingLiU to ĺććĽˇä˝ that I know I missed, and I know I missed them because I caught them after I'd printed/cut/folded/sewn/glued (cue more swearing), so Gloam and Eth, my apologies >.< please consider them artifacts of a uniquely handmade object ajslkdjfs
In addition to the fonts, there were also some other fun things Eth and I discussed, like how to translate the notes I usually provide on the colophons! In addition to information on fonts, I also usually include some variation of:
This private, limited edition published by chubsthehamster (Moonham Press, imprint of Renegade Publishing) in 2024. This is chubsthehamster's personal copy. Out of three existing copies, this is the first.
The thing that came up with this, which still tickles my brain to this day, was how Eth chose how to translate "Moonham Press, imprint of Renegade Publishing." To get a better sense of what word to use for "imprint," they asked what the relationship was between Moonham Press and Renegade Publishing, which got me thinking about the relationship between my lil imprint and the wonderful @renegadeguild:
What's all very funny about all of this is that we are now, in fact, going by the name "Renegade Bookbinding Guild," per our most recently updated Code of Conduct. While this renders the wording I asked for out of date (and thus, the wording that made it into the book out of date :'D), I think it's also a testament to how cool the work @renegadeguild is doing--like any artform, fanbinding is alive, with its own evolving language, communities, and ideas about the craft. And I love it, I love it so much. (Was this also a plug for our new-ish website? Perhaps).
There's more I could say here, but this post is already going to be long enough, so I'll move on for now! If you get anything from this section, it's that @thirrith is amazing and very patient and kind, and I'm so grateful that we got to talk shop together. Thank you so much for all your invaluable help with this, Eth! I hope the typeset, though undoubtedly flawed, does your hard work justice!
Binding: Or, SO Much Math. Like, So Much, Guys. (It was worth it, though!)
Whoo, boy! So math was never my strong suit in school, but when I set out to do this bind last year, that wasn't an issue. At first. The dos-Ă -dos binding, if anything, just requires a little bit of finagling on the usual case-bound format--a bit more math if you want to do an all-cloth cover, like I planned on doing, but nothing I couldn't work out with some trial and error. (My prototype below!)
Then came February, when I took a weaving class with my friend, and then everything kinda exploded.
My original idea was to use some green Duo bookcloth I had on hand (this color, actually)--for those of you not initiated into the Duo cult, Duo is a Rayon bookcloth with a very devoted fan following in Renegade. It's very pretty; the Rayon weave is one color, and the paper backing is usually complementary color, so it has this cool two-toned effect. Duo is in high demand in Renegade circles because sadly, the company that manufactures it went out of business last year. (Although I've heard rumors recently that there's another company making something similar, but the cloth has a really high purchase requirement and is, like, for businesses only I think).
Anyway, I also wanted to have a gold line around the whole book as a kind of bellyband/obi to further connect the two versions of the story (another reason why I chose the dos-Ă -dos format to begin with heh), as you can see from my scribbled notes here--
But alas! I knew going in that adhering things to Duo is often Problematic, thanks to one very painful experience trying to get some iron-on foil on another bind (the textured surface of Duo just makes it kinda hard to stick or paint stuff on it). So if I wanted a clean, continuous line, the remaining options were to either paint it on a strip of paper that I'd somehow...adhere to the cloth? Or maybe cut different slices of bookcloth and glue them on. I wasn't satisfied with either of those options, though.
Then--the weaving class. I made a scarf, and I love it and I loved making it. But the whole time, I'll not lie, my thoughts were elsewhere.
In short, my decision to weave my own bookcloth kinda came from a few different factors:
The desire to attempt to recreate Duo, that elusive beauty, the one that got away, etc. (I have several yards in my stash, but still). Others have also attempted to recreate it, and I thought I'd throw my hat in the ring.
My current spiral into the deep hole that is fiber arts (it started with crochet, then knitting, then sewing, then weaving, then spinning, and now I'm eyeing quilting! Please help me).
The gold line. It kept bugging me. And when I found weaving, I just thought there was something very neat about the process of actually making the cloth for a dos-Ă -dos binding from scratch, and especially for this binding. I wanted to bind a story about translation (or rather, the death of it, and yet still the necessity of it--how we must try to communicate, despite of, or perhaps precisely because of, everything that gets lost in the spaces between people, and the tragedy of that loss, and the beauty of what makes it through, and the love always present in the effort regardless), and also, the translation of that story. Weaving is a very meditative process, and with every pass of the shuttle, back and forth, building slowly but surely the fabric that would hold the story that Gloam had written and that Eth had translated, I thought a lot about translation, and the gaps between people, and how we choose our words not just when translating, but when we speak at all. From a design perspective, I used the same colors I would've used had I chosen the Duo bookcloth--green and gold--so the design wasn't too altered in terms of color scheme. But I think the choice to weave the bookcloth--the thing that bound it all together--made the project take on a completely new meaning for me, both in process and in scope, one that hadn't been there when I started. I saw the warp, perhaps, as the original story, laying the groundwork for the weft, the translation; or maybe it was the other way around, with the translation providing the scaffolding for its own, new meaning, choices that Eth had to make with this word or phrase or another building something new, something translated, and the original a live, moving thing that wove over and under each word turned phrase turned story; or maybe it was both. Maybe it didn't matter which was which, in the end. And as I wove, the thing that connected them, that gold line that had started all of this, slowly formed.
All that to say: Good God, was there a lot of math. So much math. That prototype pictured above was actually made specifically so I could calculate exactly how much I needed to weave, lol, because while I certainly had enough thread, I didn't want to have to warp more than once. I'd learned the basics in my class, but the training wheels came off here. I wanted to make my own custom fabric, which meant calculating things like ends per inch, picks per inch, loom waste, shrinkage after washing, the width of that damn gold line, how much I'd need for the hinge, the turn-ins, the boards--the whole nine yards (I didn't actually weave nine yards tho heh). It was all absolutely worth it in the end--so challenging and so, so rewarding!
(And my final reason for weaving the bookcloth? Not gonna lie, It was because I just wanted to see if I could do it LOL. I love trying at least one new thing with each of my binds, and this was it for this project. While I've been bookbinding for a few years now, I'm still very much a beginner weaver, and I'm so excited to continue to learn and experiment! Also, here's a video of me unwinding the cloth from the loom, heh. I used 10/2 Perle cotton in gold and green colors :3)
Also, turns out, you can back handmade cloth the same way you can any other cloth! I backed it using my usual heat-n-bond method, and with some Unryu Tissue in the color Forest. Since the cloth itself is a bit transparent, there are a bunch of really fun fibers you can see when it's held up to the light, but which aren't visible when the cloth is glued down to the boards. Still, knowing they're there still makes me happy :D
Finally, capping all this off, is one final, small detail I really liked: ginkgo leaf endpapers :3 this one's for me and Eth and Gloam specifically <3
Aaaand that's all from me for today, folks! Thus ends (several months late XD) my last Binderary project for the year. This was probably my most ambitious bind to date, and gosh it was so, so much fun.
And, of course, thank you so much to Gloam for sharing your story, and Eth for translating it. I can't wait for y'all to receive your copies soon!
All my love! <3
#the sandman#The Death of Translation#bookbinding#fanbinding#binderary 2024#<<<lol#landwriter#Ethiseth#also IF YOU SAW THIS POST BEFORE I FINISHED WRITING IT. NO U DIDN'T AJLKSDJFS#weaving#rigid heddle weaving
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Only Fans (18+)
Bayverse!Raphael x reader
A/N: Inspired by a post I saw here on Tumblr. I canât remember who posted it, so if someone knows who they are, please tag them and let them know I wrote something inspired by their little Raph x reader Only Fans idea. Because honestly, I agree. I think he would be into that, ngl.
Takes place in a world where mutants are accepted in human society.
All characters are aged up.
Warnings: Size difference (size kink?), filming, filming of porn?, voyeurism?, rough sex.
It started with small home videos, you and your boyfriend made for only the two of you to enjoy. The first film was due to the simple reason, that Raph wanted you to see what he saw whenever his thick member stretched you out. You were only able to feel it, not see it. His thick, almost over sized green member pushing in and out of you, with your wetness all over it. It was erotic to watch, you would have to admit that. And that was when you and Raph had the idea to continue filming yourselves just for the fun of it.
Then the need for money came into play. Both you and Raph worked a lot, but with the whole world only getting more and more expensive, especially in a city like New York, with everything but the wages raising, you and Raph had to find another way to make income on the side. And the idea came surprisingly quick to the two of you - opening an Only Fans.
Human mutant relationships were nothing new at that point. They had been happening for years, especially after the official acceptance of mutants in society. Yet you and Raph were surprised to see how few videos of humans and mutants that were on the internet. It was an untouched market, just waiting for you and your boyfriend to tap into it. And with the thought of knowing people would watch what your boyfriend was able to do to you, excited the two of you quite a lot.
Your first video was a success. Filmed on your shared bed with the camera angled just right, so that Raphâs large member thrusting in and out of you was on full display, both of your faces out of the line of sight. And with the title âMutants ramming human hard from behindâ, both mutants and humans were on it in no time.
One video became two, and then two became five, and soon it was a whole thing. You and Raph was gaining the money you needed, just by having sex in the comfort of your own home. Even before you and Raphg started this Only Fans thing, the two of you had a very busy and healthy sex life. Now you had a busy and healthy sex life, gaining money on it. You only saw wins.
Your most popular video to date, was one of you and Raph on the couch, with the camera standing on the coffee table. It started with the two of you being dressed in very formal clothing, as the two of you had just gotten home from a date at a local restaurant, making out with your faces just out of the shot. It didnât take long before Raph had your red dress pushed up, your lace panties pulled to the side, and his long finger inside of you, making you moan and whimper as you held on to him for dear life. Soon, Raphâs slack pants was down around his angels with you straddling his waist, bouncing on his long erection, his large hands holding your dress up and panties to the side. Soon it took the turn that you and Raphâs videos usually did. As the intensity grew, things got rougher, resulting in Raph ripping off your underwear, before grabbing a hold of your waist from under your thighs, leaving your legs dangling up over his big strong arms. From this angel it was easy for him to lift you up before slamming you down onto him once again, making you scream and moan, while Raph groaned and churred. It ended with both of you caming hard, with you having an earth shattering orgasm that left shaking and convulsing on Raph, while he shot his white robes into you.
You couldnât walk right for a whole week after that, proving in more ways than the numbers on the video, that it had been a success. And as soon as your legs were functioning normally again, you and Raph was back on it again, making hard rough love in front of a camera.
#tmnt#teenage mutant ninja turtles#tmnt raphael#tmnt raph#tmnt x reader#tmnt x reader smut#tmnt raph x reader#tmnt raph x reader smut#tmnt raphael x reader#tmnt raphael x reader smut#tmnt bayverse#tmnt bayverse x reader#tmnt bayverse x reader smut#tmnt bayverse raph#tmnt bayverse raphael#tmnt bayverse raph x reader#tmnt bayverse raph x reader smut#tmnt bayverse raphael x reader#tmnt bayverse raphael x reader smut#bayverse tmnt#bayverse tmnt x reader#bayverse tmnt x reader smut#bayverse raph#bayverse raphael#bayverse raph x reader#bayverse raph x reader smut#bayverse raphael x reader#bayverse raphael x reader smut
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Giving BSD boys a blowjob for the first time
ft. dazai, kunikida
warnings: blowjobs (surprise!) MDNI
a/n: kinda wrote these in mind thinking it was also giving them a handjob for the first time so I guess that's double the fun!
Dazai Osamu âĄ
Your eyes looked up to find Dazai's face, searching for a sign of approval. In response, Dazai let out a validating, soft moan and closed his eyes as he nodded. "You're doing excellent, belladonna."
It wasn't unexpected. Dazai, sharp and observant as a hawk, had seen the way your eyes lingered over every small change in his facial expressions. While you were dating, both of you had agreed to take things slow. Even small milestones like holding hands was a huge thing for the man that was wrapped in bandages. The slow burn of deepening your relationship into each other's hearts until it left a permanent mark that even time couldn't erase, was wonderful.
But with time grows desire. Dazai teased you to the point of dilated pupils, hitching breaths, and a blush that cups your cheeks. Exactly like planned, the detective thought, smirking behind the mask of crafted innocence. Except, the plan had been for you to beg him to touch you; not that you would beg to make him feel good as your fingers pushed his hips onto the couch. Dazai is highly aware of his intelligence that makes him read people as if they are a children's book, but sometimes, he thinks he doesn't always grab your nature. The type of nature that has you on your knees in front of him, getting high off of his pleasure.
When you wanted to focus your attention back on the twitching cock in your hand, the sight of Dazai's fingers grabbed your attention. You knew Dazai better than any living soul. Although still a mystery novel that hides behind words of deceive and avoidance to keep parts of itself hidden until the time of reveal is there, this mystery novel was slowly showing you its pages that brought you closer to the truth.
One of the mysteries revealed was Dazai's massive self-control over his external reactions. Emotions were another vulnerable aspect of what it meant to be human, and Dazai hid them masterfully. A part of that was because it functioned as a tactic to reach his goals and stay in control, but a part of you wondered if it was because Dazai feared vulnerability more than a bullet. Emotional suffering is torture for the ones with a sensitive heart.
While Dazai's face was decorated in controlled bliss and his moans playing like a soft lullaby, the slender fingers around the sheets were clinging for dear life. You see... could you make another crack in that composed facade?
Your thumb starts drawing circles over Dazai's tip and with that, you witnessed the twitching of both his cock and fingers. A soft groan escaped Dazai's clenched jaw. "Ah, that's my belladonna. You're soo good to me, hm? Working hard for that reward." That controlled tone...
... It wasn't enough.
Dazai could tell something changed. Even though he had his eyes closed in concentration, clinging to the tiny bit of control he had, he noticed how your stroking became irregular. "What's filling your mind that isn't my- argh, shit." Dazai's eyes shot open as he bolted his hips deeper into your mouth, leaving you gagged for a good second.
That face of pure shock and arousal, the one you rarely got to see on your lover, revealed itself to you as you had taken Dazai's tip into your mouth. "Y/N, that's-"
Another lick and Dazai's original sentence was replaced by a moan, and the detective felt like all control slipped between his fingers when you placed your hands around the rest of his cock.
Dazai grabbed your hair, hissing you to go slower because oh God, he was about to cum faster than he ever did in his twenty-two years of living, and God knows he did not want this euphoria to end this soon. Oh, he really wasn't used to feeling this good-
"Belladonna, y/n, please-" Dazai didn't know what he was begging you for. For you to go slower? Faster? What it was, you hummed in approval. That little vibration was all it needed for Dazai to throw his head in his neck. His toes curled as high-pitched whines fell over lips that had become swollen in a miserable attempt to hide his moans.
When you looked up after swallowing, you were met with Dazai's bangs hanging over his eyes. "Osamu, are you okay?" Worried, you push the chocolate colored bangs aside and... oh.
He was so pretty with scarlet painted cheeks. Dazai couldn't even look you in the eyes, giving up after one second of eye-contact before shyly facing another side with his head. "That was... good. For a first attempt."
You chuckled as your hand caresses the cheek that faced your way and with a slightly hoarse voice you respond: "Good. I'll make you even feel better next time."
Dazai's hands twitch one last time before he closes his eyes and mentally picks up every string that he lost along the way. As the detective opens his eyes, you can see the control and seduction in those dark eyes that you love so much.
Dazai leans closer until you feel his breath on your ear. His lips tickle and a shiver runs down your spine as he whispers: "Someone has earned that reward, hasn't she? Let's see how long I can make you last."
Kunikida Doppo âĄ
Rubies could not compete with the radiant red glow of Kunikida's face as he realized what you were about to do. The detective should have known you were up to something when he was preparing today's schedule and you had popped up behind him, placing your arms around his waist as you kissed his neck and whispered: "Keep a spot open at 8 PM, love."
Even when the blond had asked for details, your lips stayed sealed. The only hint Kunikida got out of you was "Dazai has made you work over-hours; I want to treat you."
Naively, innocently, Kunikida thought you might have a dinner or massage in mind. Not that he was wrong! It was just a... different type of massage. With your tender fingers wrapped around his cock, Kunikida clenched his jaw to not make a sound, but the moan slipped away as he sighed your name: "Y/n... I, we-"
"Does it feel good, Doppo?" You made sure to rub his tip with your thumb right then, making the detective's cock drop with pre-cum.
"It- yes... yes, it feels good."
Looking up blessed you with the sight of an orderly man turned into a mess under the tip of your fingers. A wave of arousal rushed through your body, seeing the man unravel in front of you. You figured he would be vocal, but oh-
Kunikida was sensitive. The smallest movement had him throwing his head back and trusting his hip as tiny moans calling your name filled the room. Not only were his cheeks the color of fire due to the heat of your touch, but the intimacy of it all left him flustered as well.
You felt a hand rest on your head, lightly gripping a bit of hair. "Y/n... we, you- I have to make you feel good, too."
Oh. "That has to wait."
"But-Â ah!" The hand around your hair tightened in response to your mouth taking his cock.
Kunikida's thoughts were twirled up in the storm that was you. Your name rolled off his tongue like worshipping prayers as you brought Heaven to earth for him.
The bliss of touching Heaven became too much, and with one closing word, Kunikida fell apart. He arched his back, forgetting to bite his lip to soften the groans that might slip through the walls where his colleagues live. His grip around you tightens, never wanting to let you go, never wanting to let this feeling go. But then Kunikida realizes he's still on earth and lessens his grip on the fear he's hurting you.
The detective looked into your eyes, but they were filled with lust directed at him and God, it felt so sinful that he had to deflect his gaze. Yet, you grabbed his chin and made your boyfriend face you.
"Do you feel better?"
Kunikida stammered, trying to get out a word. "Yes, that was," an embarrassed cough, "excellent."Â
Your thumb caressed his lip. "Good."
And then, the world flipped around as Kunikida lay your back on the bed. "I have done a deep-dive research on how to please you when the time was there. Now, let me return the favor."Â
#dazai x reader#kunikida x reader#bungou stray dogs#bsd smut#dazai x you#kunikida x you#bsd scenario#bsd dazai#bsd kunikida#dazai x y/n#kunikida x y/n#dazai smut#kunikida smut
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tell me you need me (1 of 2) | c. berzatto x reader
It was good when you started but Carmen Berzatto had the ability to make anyone fall in love with him no matter how much you tried not to. (friends with benefits!carmen, smut, mndi!!!, unprotected p in v, smut! smut!, angst!! fluff, maybe some bad words, blood, unedited) MASTER LISTS
TAGLIST
I need you tonight. Want to go?
You sighed at the message that Carmy sent you. âWant to goâ was a code for âI want to have sex.â and itâs been working pretty well for these past few months. You both needed some sort of release for the pent-up stress that you both have. Carmy, with the Bear and you, with art. You were a full-time artist; creating art inspired by food using oil paint and other forms of media. Youâve been stressed with your upcoming gallery opening next month. Would they love it? Itâs quite hard to meet the expectations after winning the Herb Alpert Award in the Arts last year. It was close to Carmyâs James Beard Foundation award, if not the same. In a way, at the end of the day, you were two people excelling in your jobs except for everything else. You sucked at relationships, friendships, connectionâŚwhat wasnât artistic; you sucked at. Carmy was the same. Without thinking, you typed your response, a four letter word. Maybe youâll see him tonight.
-
Carmy enters your home like he lived in it. He had his own set of keys, it was easier that way. Heâs been so stressed with the Bear and the only thing that he needs is to blow off some of that steam before he can be functional again. There was supposed to be a celebrity who was wishing for a whole fucking kitchen tour tomorrow and he had to stay behind to make sure that everything was perfect.Â
âHey,â he greets you when he sees you perched on your couch. He liked your apartment much better; at least you had multiple rooms and your own space. Itâs not like his; there was work everywhere while yours felt homey. Except your studio down the hallâdamn, how much do artists earn today?
âHey,â you replied. âDid you have dinner yet? I can heat up some of the Chinese food I ordered earlier.â
âNo, no. Itâs alright,â he says, removing his shoes in the doorway. You were always so tidy and meticulous. No outside clothes on the bed; he had to learn that the hard way. âActually, um, can-can I take a shower first? I want to wash the day away and I-I smell like the kitchen.â
âAnd you took the L,â
âUbered here, actually.â
âSurge rates?â
âI was in a rush.â
âOh,â you gulped. âWell, you still have your clothes in my wardrobe and your toiletries in my bathroom.â
âWhich one?â he asked. âWhich-which bathroom?â
âThe one in my bedroom,â you replied. âYou know where the fresh towels are. SoâŚâ
âUh, yeah-yeah,â he says. âThanks.â You only smiled at him. Conversation before your engagements are usually awkward because you both knew what the two of you were there for. Itâs more comfortable afterwards; when he talks about the Bear or asks you about your art.
You and Carmy met from a friend of a friend. You were looking for chefs that could serve you inspiration for your paintings when she mentioned Carmen Berzatto. You reached out to him and he replied three months later, telling you that he can show you some of the recipes that heâs been working on. Heâs an artist himselfâSistine Chapel art kind of stuff. He explained the components of his dish over dinner in your hotel apartment in New York. You mentioned that you were from Chicago and he mentioned that heâs from Chicago tooâŚyou drank too much wine and the rest was history.Â
You both stopped communicating when he met Claire but he reached out again, asking if you wanted to meet. He told you all about her and how he fucked up. You drank too much wine again. History has the habit of repeating itself.
You swore to never fall in love with Carmen Berzatto and you didnâtâŚnot until recently. He used to leave immediately once youâre both done. Lately, heâs been staying over. He talks to you about everything. He stays over and wakes you up with coffee and some Michelin Star quality pancakes or French toast. He watches you take your first bite before he takes his, likes to watch your reaction and likes hearing your praise.
You were too lost in your reviere to notice Carmen walking to you, all fresh and clean. He lays a hand on your shoulder and kisses your neck.
âWhat are you thinking about?â he asks, voice deep and sultry.Â
âYou,â you replied, reaching up to massage his curls.Â
âGood,â he says, removing himself from you and sitting on the opposite side of the couch. âNeeded you todayâŚbut I want to talk first beforeâŚbeforeâŚâ
âThatâs fine with me,â you replied, inching closer to him. âWhatâs wrong?â He puts his hand on your knee, squeezing it lightly. Since when was he so comfortable around you?
âIâŚI justâŚÂ Mikey,â The name lingers heavy in the air. Anytime Carmen feels the crushing weight of the pressure, he says Mikey. Whenever he feels inadequate, not enough, never enoughâhe says Mikey.
âHeâll be proud of you, Carm,â you said, smiling at him. âLike everyone else is.â
âIâm sorry for not inviting you to the openingâŚClaire was-was there andâŚâ
âI understand,â You put your hand over his to reassure him that everythingâs okay. âI understand.â
âYou wouldnât have seen me,â he chuckled. âI was locked inside the walk-in the whole time and well, everything was great. What if Iâm not needed?â
Is it too late for me to love you?Â
âCarmâŚâ you trailed off, trying to find the words. âOf course, youâre needed. The Bear wouldnât be The Bear without you, you know? Your family must be so proud of you because I know that-that I am. Iâm so proud of you and I-I need you so much,â you told him. âI need you, Carmen. More than you could ever know.â
Is it too late for me to love you?Â
Maybe it was the words that you said, maybe it was the long forgotten show on the T.V., maybe it was because the T.V. screen illuminated your face in a way that was so, so beautiful. Maybe it was just him.
âLetâs go to bed,â he rasps, taking your hand and dragging you to the bedroom. Once he closes the door behind him, Carmy presses you against it, taking your chin and kissing you. It was slow and needy; this kiss was needy. You trail your hand underneath the white shirt that hugged his figure. You caress his sides up and down; softly; slowly and Carmen releases a whimper into your mouth. I need you. I need you. I need you.Â
âBaby,â he whispers, pulling away from you to remove his shirt. âBaby, baby, baby.â
âI need you, Carmen,â you muster the courage to kiss his neck now, sucking and nipping right under his collarbone. He lets you do it, he lets you mark him like you own him. He tugs on the roots of your hair lightly. You lick the purple bruise, nipping it again just so it could last one more week. Carmen was sighing above you, letting you take him like he wanted to be taken. His hands itch, slipping right under the waistband of your panties to cup your heated cunt. âCarmy,â
âI know, baby. Letâs get you to bed, hm?â he asks, pushing you slightly. âLay down for me. I missed you so much. Let me show you,â
You obey his commands, opening your legs widely like he likes. He crawls until his face is right in front and removes your underwear, tossing it to the side. Heâll take care of that later.
âYouâre so wet,â he groans, when he lets his index finger trail along your slit. You buckle in need; silently begging him to do more. âSo, fucking wet,â he repeats, parting your folds until he sees your glistening cunt.Â
âCarmâŚâ you whine. He spits on your clit and you whimper.Â
âLet me taste you, hm?â you heard him say, his wandering fingers rubbing all sorts of shapes on your folds. You could only nod and he takes that, licking a bold stripe. You press your cunt against his tongue and he just takes it. He licks a few more stripes before sucking your clit softly.Â
âCarmy,â you moan. Your hands trail down underneath your shirt, thumbs softly flicking your sensitive nipples. Carmy could just come at the sight of you playing with them but he holds back, sucking your clit harsher before plunging his thick middle finger inside you. âOh, fuck,âÂ
He pumps the finger slowlyâŚin, out, in, out while he licks your sensitive bud.Â
âFuck, Carmy,â you whimper. âFuck me,â
âLater,â was his nonchalant reply; enjoying the sweet nectar that dripped from your sloppy pussy. It was better than any dessert heâs ever had before. If it was um to him, heâd have his head buried in between your legs, eating you out forever. You buckle again, pinching your nipples hard and tugging them.Â
âCarmâŚâ
âI know, I know,â he says, sucking your clit harshly for one last time before crawling on top of you. âTaste,â he orders. You obliged, opening your mouth and putting on a show with the way you licked your juices off of his finger. âFuck,â he groans. He palms himself through his boxers while you sucked on his finger. You released it with one last suck before putting your hand on top of Carmyâs to feel his hardening cock underneath. You push his hand away while you squeeze his member lightly. Just enough for him to rut his hips against your hand. Just enough for him to toss his boxers to the side.
You tried to sit up to see him pump a few strokes, moaning your name while he did. He gets off the bed, looking at the way your body moved while you breathed.Â
âBeautiful,â he whispers to himself before dragging your body to the end of the bed. He pries your legs open and puts one of them over his shoulder. He liked it like this, it fills you up in ways you cannot describe. âNeed you to play with your tits while I fuck you, hm?â
He taps his cock against your pussy.
âCan you hear how wet you are?â he asked, sliding his cock in between your folds. You could feel the protruding vein run along your nub and you moan, massaging your breasts to show him your obedience. âFuck,â
âCarmyâŚâ you whimpered. âPlease.â
He hums, grabbing his member and teasing your wet entrance with his pink tip. âYouâre soâŚâ
With no warning, Carmy plunges deep into you and you both groan. You were waiting for this. Heâs been wanting this the whole day. He stays there for a few seconds before he thrusts in and out of you slowly.Â
âFuck,âÂ
The slopping noises inside your room reverberated in your walls and for a few moments, the sounds of your groans and skin slapping against skin heightens your arousal. Carmy thumbs your clit and he feels your walls clench around him.
âDonât do that, petal,â he rasps, sweat dripping on his forehead. âIâll cum fast if you do.â
âSorry,â you choked out. He only grunts as he adjusts his pace. He was faster now and you could hear he ragged breathing. âCarmy, I need you.â
âY-you need me,â he repeats to himself. âYou need me.â
âI do,â you told him, moaning when he plunges his cock deep inside you. âNeed you, need you,âÂ
âOh, fuck,â he groans. âTell me that you need me. Tell me,â
âI need you, Carmy,â you whine. âI need you to cum inside me,âÂ
Carmyâs eyes widened. Youâve never let him do that before. He always had to pull out or use a condom.Â
âWant me to fill you up?â he asks, his voice strained. âIâll fill you âoh, fuck,âÂ
âYes, please,â you sobbed, breath hitching at the feeling of his cock twitch inside of you. âFuck, Carmy.â
Sex has never felt this good.Â
You could feel the breaking point come nearer and he does too. His movements were sloppier, his breathing even more ragged that it was. Your walls were clenching around him but that seemed to arouse him even more.Â
âFuck, fuck,â he grunted. âIâll fill you up, hm?âÂ
âYes, please, Carmy,â you whine. He could only nod, doing his best to keep his orgasm at bay. He wanted to prolong this feeling; this emotion but he couldnât. âFuck, Carmy, Iâm cumming, Iâm cumming. Carmâoh!â
He follows soon after, moaning your name as he shoots ropes of cum inside your pussy. He could feel your walls clench around him and he thrusts in slowly, to ride both of your orgasms away.Â
âYou-you liked that?â he asked. He doesnât pull out. Instead he takes your other leg and hangs in on his shoulder. âWe have to make sure that not a drop goes to waste.â
You nodded and felt his hands caress your legs slowly. He slowly lays your legs back down on the bed and crawls on top of you, kissing your torso, neck, and your chest while he did.Â
âStay there,â he ordered and you nodded in assent. You just let him cum inside you. He walks over to the carafe on your bedside, filling the glass with water and then, taking a hand towel from your cabinet. He pours a little bit of the liquid onto the towel. You sit up when he wordlessly gives you the glass of water. He watches you finish it and kisses your head when you gave him the glass back. He sets it on the floor carefully before opening your legs so he could clean you up.
âNo,â you shook your head and he stops, alert because you told him no. âIâmâŚIâm still sensitive,â
âOkay, petal,â he nods, taking the glass and the towel away. He picks up the tossed articles of clothing puts it in the laundry basket. He was quiet when he takes a fresh set of pyjamas and underwear from your wardrobe. âRaise your arms,â he says and you do. He puts a new shirt on you. âLay down.â You followed him. He puts a new pair of panties on you. âThank you,â
You were so tired now but you were still so aware of Carmyâs actions. He stands up from the bed to wear new clothes and sits down on the bed. He carefully places your head on his lap and plays with your hair.
âThank you,â he says, bowing down to kiss your forehead. âWhy donât you sleep for me, hm?â
âWill you be here when I wake up?â
âWaffles or pancakes?â
âWaffles with whipped cream.â
-
Why wonât you let me love you?
There were times when youâd fight with Carmen. A disagreement over something so, so, so small. This time, it was big. It was the opening of your gallery and he promised to be there. It was a big nightâmultiple art collectors and mongers from all over America came to see your latest pieces. They were all inspired by the food you grew up eating in Chicago; a collection of how culture, identities, and personalities affect eating. Your paintings were in vibrant colorsâcup ramen with cheese, cannoli, food that you grew up eating whenever your mom was away. There were small details on the significance of the new collection to your life and he wasnât there. You were on the stage, telling everyone how grateful you were to the audience but you were preoccupied, looking for a familiar mop of curls in the crowd. He didnât come. He didnât go.Â
You smiled at them half-heartedly before leaving the stage, ready to be whisked away by some art dealer. You were whisked away by multiple guests, asking you for more details on the painting. You all told them everything they needed to know, what they should do if theyâd like to make a purchaseâŚ
It would have been alright if he texted youâŚbut he promised heâd be there. He promised heâd take you home. He promised.
-
Carmy was sitting alone in his apartment. He left The Bear earlier than usual and went straight home. He did it all, shower, put a nice suit, and fix his hair. He did it all, he even ran to the nearest florist to buy you flowers but he didnât go.Â
Isnât this what lovers do?Â
He wasnât your lover. He couldnât let himself be distracted again. He had to focus; he couldnât fail the people that relied on him. He looked at the bag of groceries he got from the store; he was supposed to cook you something special tonight. Have you eaten yet? Fuck the suit that he paid for dry cleaning; fuck the flowers; fuck him. It must have hurt youâhe knows that. Tonight was a big night and you were so excited to show him a painting that youâve been working on.Â
âI wonât sell it,â you told him. âIâll have it shipped to you first thing in the morning.â
Would you still send it to him?
-
By the end of the night, you were exhausted. Happy, but exhausted. It was normal; talking to everyone and being scintillating the whole night was work but it was worth it. Your paintings all had their new owners, except for the painting that you promised to Carmy. Would he still want it? You were alone in the studio, wrapping the 4 by 3 foot canvas with the best quality glassine. You were giving this to him tomorrow. If he doesn't want to have it, youâll probably just donate it somewhere else.Â
You laid awake in your bed all night long, waiting for his text. It was funny, just last week he was begging you to tell him that you needed him but when you needed him most, he wasnât there.Â
You arrive at The Bear just before it opens, the big canvas tucked under your arm. He was sure to be there and had always told you to use the back door if you werenât dining. You always obliged, of course, opening the backdoor to reveal everyone. Youâve met Sydney and Richie before but you havenât met the others yet. You were an alien in an unknown world; Carmyâs employees looking at you, as if wondering who this girl was.Â
âHey,â Sydney greeted, looking at the glassine covered thing that you were carrying. âDidnât know you were coming in today. Congratulations on your exhbit,â
âYeah, Congrats. Whatâs that, sweetheart?â Richie asked.Â
âOh,â you just nodded. Carmy couldnât even look at you. âI just came here to give this toâŚuh, Carmy,â you cleared your throat. âCarmâŚ?â
âUh, yeah-yeah,â he stuttered. âCan we go to the office?âÂ
âSure.â
You followed him into the office while Richie tells everyone to go back to what they were doing. Your heart was hammering inside your chest, afraid that this was going to be another one of those petty fights that youâve had with him.Â
You were wrong. So, so wrong.Â
âYou didnât come last night,â you told him, shielding yourself from him with the painting. âIâŚI waited.â
âSorry,â was his laconic reply. You nodded, chuckling.Â
âThatâs all?â you asked. âJustâŚsorry? No explanation, no nothing?â you asked. âI was looking for you the whole night, Carm. You promised you were coming,â
âI donât know what-what you want me to say,â he says, looking everywhere but at you. âI-I-Iâm sorry, okay? I had other plans.â
âYou promised months ago that you were coming,â you repeated. âI called Sydney last night because you werenât answering and she told me that you left early.â
âYouâre spying on me now?â he asks, suddenly defensive. âI had things to do that night. I canât-canât just put everything on hold for-for you.â He spits his words like venom, voice getting louder with every word.
You frowned, not recognizing who the boy was in front of you. Itâs not like you asked him to put his life on hold. Your heart was beating so fast in anger, ears ringing.Â
âI see. So you just need me around and you-you just I donât know, call me because you need to get your dick wet?â you asked, matching his volume. âYou just need me around when no one else is there to fuck you? Is that it?â you asked. âWhat the fuck?âÂ
Carmy blinks, tries to think of the words heâs about to say but he couldnât stop himself. He could never seem to stop himself.Â
âYouâre the only one desperate enough to do so,â he shrugs. It breaks your heart in pieces, really. The nights Carmen spent nuzzling his head in your shoulder before you slept probably meant nothing to him. Your face falls, contorting in hurt at what he just said. Fuck Carmen Berzatto. Fuck him. âIâm not your fucking boyfriend. I donât know why you expect me to just-just-just do something!â
âMaybe I wanted you there as my friend!â you shouted over. Your voices could be heard from outside but everyone else pretended like they werenât listening to anything that you both were saying. You were shouting over each other now, the fuse just breaks. âIf you didnât have any fucking plans to actually go, then donât give me your good for nothing fucking promises!â
âI donât need a girl leeching on me when Iâm opening a fucking restaurant. Do you want me to put everything on you just because you asked me to? Iâm not your fucking boyfriend. You know that right? And maybe-maybe I donât want to be your fucking friend either!â
âWhy would I want you to be my boyfriend, Carmy? Youâre-youâre fucking unreliable! You have issues that need fixing. You think Claire could fix that? You think I could fix that? You think the girls you get wrapped around your fucking finger can fix your fucked up fucking head? Huh? Is that what you think? Youâre so fucking miserable you make everyone around you miserable! Grow up!â Heâs hurt. Thatâs what you thought of him? That he was miserable? Did he make you miserable?
âI donât need to go to your fucking art exhibition when theyâre all fucking shit.â
You closed your mouth before you could protest. The pain of his words felt like a slap on the face. If he regretted it, he didnât show it. You turned away, nodding.Â
âFuck you, Carmen. Donât fucking call me. Donât fucking knock on my door. DonâtâŚdonât fucking think of me. Iâm fucking done with you,â
âYeah? Youâre done with me, huh? Fuck you,â he spits back. He heard the waver in your voice; heard how you tried to steady everything. He wanted to say sorry but you were already leaving. Richie and Sydney couldnât even ask you what happened because you were rushing out, throwing the painting you worked hard on for days at the back. Fuck Carmen Berzatto. Fuck him.Â
-
âFuck!â his chefs could hear from outside the office. Everyone heard the vile things you both screamed at each other; everyone heard why you were so angry. Everyone fucking heard. Nobody dared to move, they didnât want to be on the receiving end of Carmyâs anger; not when The Bear was about to open. Continuous loud bangs and sounds of some object being thrown were heard too. Sugar sighed.Â
âCarm?â she called from the door. âItâs almost opening,â
âI-I-I know, Sug.â he replied, blinking. âUh, can-can you guys go ahead? Iâll be there, I just-just need to you know, calm down?â
âOkay, Bear,â she smiles, tapping the door frame before leaving Carmen in his own thoughts. He gets out of the restaurant through the back door, about to light a cigarette, when he sees the canvas wrapped with glassine.Â
âFuck,â was the only thing he could mutter before taking it and sitting where the staff usually stayed at when they wanted a break. He lights up a stick and lets it hang loose on his lips while he opens your gift with shaky hands. He was so immersed in the experience, gently removing the tape and making sure that nothing was ruined that he didnât notice Sydney.Â
The glassine reveals a painting of a plate of cannolis. He remembered that he told you the story about cannolis during Christmas and how he wanted to recreate thatâtake it for himself. He traces over the precise brushstrokes shakily.Â
âThatâs a good painting,â Sydney spoke, her hands behind her back. âWould be a waste to just throw it out.â
âI know,â Carmy nods. âIâm sorry you had to uh, hear all of that.â
âItâsâŚsomething,â Sydney replied, making Carmy chuckle.Â
âI alwaysâŚalways seem to uh, fuck up everything,â he muttered. âI was on the way there, you know? Last night?â
âYeah. You were so excited,â
âI was,â he coughed. âBut I didnât go becauseâŚâ Words died down in his mouth. Why didnât he go? âIâve said some things and she-she doesnât want me to call her anymore and I-I understand but like, I donât know, Syd.â
Donât know why I could never seem to just let myself enjoy things. I donât belong anywhere else but in the fucking kitchen. Itâs the only thing I was good at.
âI didnât really want to to, uh, fuck this up.â
-
I want to talk to you.
Come to my apartment after your shift. Or whenever.
Carmen feels his palms sweat when he reads texts you sent him days ago. He decided to go today, finallyâhe was never good at confronting things; always so explosive, so defensive. He didnât know what heâd feel like today. He knocks on your door and hears the shuffling from the other side. He just got out of The Bear; he was tired but he forced himself to go. He had to go.Â
âHey,â you smiled tightly when you opened the door. âCome in.â
He nods, wordlessly entering your apartment like how henused to. Bag and shoes on the side. Somehow, this made him more nervous than usual. This was a prelude to something else entirely; he believed that.
âHow are you? he asked, voice small and looking down.Â
âIâmâŚgood,â you replied, looking away. âYou?â
âBusy,â he replied. The air felt heavy and his palms were sweating. âIâmâŚIâm sorry for not being there when I promised you that I would,â
âWhy werenât you there, Carm?â you asked and he could hear the sadness in your voice. He knew that your exhibit meant a lot to you. âYouâŚyou told me you will and well, you wereâŚthe-the person I want to be there the most.â
âI didnât know that. Iâm- Iâm sorry,â he shrugged. âBut why? I mean, I-I donât know art. I like my shit but I-Iâm not cool or understandââ
âBecause I like you, Carmy.â you told him, looking at him now and trying to go nearer. He stepped back and you stopped your tracks.
âYouâwhat?â he asked, shaking his head furiously; like your confession offended him. âYouâŚlike me.â
âI do,â you nodded. âButâŚit doesnât matter.â
âFuck. How many times do we have to go back to this very same place for you to understand?â he asked, running a hand through his hair. He told you before that he didnât want to date. You told him you understood. You told him he was being egotistic when he told you not to get attached. He wanted to leave. He didnât expect this to happenâhe didnât want this to happen. âI donâtâI donâtââ
âCarmy,â you cautioned him, trying to ease your beating heart. âCan you listen to me? I-I-I like you, okay and Iâve been thinking about it too. Iâmâyouâre always staying behind after sex and well, I just maybe thought that you liked me too.â You replied, swallowing his rejection for now.
âI donât,â he snaps, tone sharp. âWeâll both be miserable in a relationship. Iâll never make-make you happy. Youâre right, you know? Iâm unreliable and-and-and issues that I need to fixâŚand Iâm not the one youâre looking for,â
âIâm sorry for saying that. It wasnât my place to do so,â was your meek reply. How does he feel so far away when he feels so, so, so close?
âNo, uh,â Carmen blinks, shaking his head. âItâs fine. I-I-I needed to hear those things, you know? Iâm sorry tooâŚfor everything.â
âThank you.â
âThatâs it then?â he asked. He was distressed. How could he fuck this up after telling Sydney that he didnât want to fuck things up with you? âIâŚI had fun,â You were the only one who kept me afloat when everything else turned to shit. I missed you when we stopped talking. I should have fought harder. What else could I have done?
âFun,â you chuckled bitterly. âFunâŚthatâs the only thing youâre going to say to me?â
Carmy frowned.Â
âWhat else did you want me to say?â
âI donât know, Carmy!â you exclaimed, pacing back and forth but never towards him. âGod! Tell me that Iâm important to you. Tell me that Iâll still be your friendâŚtell me that youâthat youâthat I mean more than a fuck!â
Silence. Carmy couldnât find the words to tell you what you truly meant to himâŚthat he wanted what you wanted too but he was too scared to fuck it all up again like he did with Claire.
You nodded, looking away. You breathed in deeply, as if trying to relieve yourself of the hurt. Thatâs all youâve ever meant to him.Â
âYou lead me along and itâs fine. I know that itâs my fault for wanting other things but at leastâŚat least tell me that Iâll still be your friend; that I still matter to you even if I dug myself a hole by feeling things. Tell me that you still need me to put everything on hold for you because Iâve been waiting you to call me all dayâŚâ
âI donât want you to do that. I donât want you putting your life on hold for me,â he rasps. âI donâtâŚâ
âBut what if I wanted to?â you asked, face slightly contorted because you didnât want to be so vulnerable in front of him. Not when he hasnât told you what you wanted yet. Carmy was just looking at you, tapping his foot on the floor. It was a nervous habit that he developed. Fuck, he needed a cigarette.
âCan you, uh, leave?â you asked, voice low. âIâŚâÂ
âNo, no, no,â he begs, rushing towards you. He grabs a hold of your elbows to remind you that he was there. Would it mean anything? Would his touch convey all of the words he wanted to say?Â
âCarmâŚâ your voice breaks. âCarmâŚâ
âNo, no. Youâre not just that to me,â he reassures âBut you have to understand that-that I canât love you like that.â
âCarmen, pleaseâŚâ you beg, tears brimming in your eyes. âPleaseâŚjust, just leave,â
Youâve never asked him to leave before but it seemed like it was what you really wantedâlike it was what you really needed. He nods, kissing your head softly before detaching himself from you.Â
âIâm sorry,â Carmy said. âFor-for not saying the right, uh, things.â
âYeah,â you nod, hiding yourself from him. He hated that you had to do that when youâve cried on his shoulders multiple times. He never liked seeing you cry; he just didnât know that one day, heâll be on the receiving end of your sadness. He watches you rub your forehead, biting your lip to stop yourself from crying. If you started crying, would he stay?
-
Itâs been months since Carmy left. Heâs been in his best form in the kitchen. He was making things easier for his staff; he was working twenty four hours a day. Going to The Bear early to help with prep; staying late to help them clean after a long shift of cooking and cooking and kitchen tours. Heâs been getting acclaimâmore acclaim, really. There was a waiting list on his restaurant and positive reviews from left and right flooded in. The Bear was dubbed as âThe Restaurant of the Yearâ in Chicago despite being less than a year old.Â
Heâs been doing goodâperfect.Â
It was like he was a hamster in a fucking wheel with no other way to escape. He likes putting himself in gear, like driving fast because it makes him believe that nothing really hurts him. He didnât like being at home; it reminded him too much of you. It reminded him of when youâd lean on the kitchen counter, a small smile on your lips while you watched him cook you something. He didnât like sitting on the couch because it reminded him of when he slept with his head on your lap. He didnât like it in his bedroom because heâs reminded of that night when you pulled him closer in your sleep. He didnât like The Bear because the painting that you gave him hung so proudly by the dining area. It was marvellousâthey said. How was he able to get a painting that you did when your art was so valuable and in demand?Â
He was moving so fast so you wouldnât cross his mind but it seemed like no matter what he did, he'd end up thinking about you anyway.Â
It didnât matter, how come a fall like that made him feel like flying? Maybe heâs waiting for it to hit him but he was feeling alright.Â
He was alright.Â
âChef!â Sydney called, looking at Carmen who was chopping the vegetables like a madman. âCarmen!â
âFuck, what, Sydney?!â he asked, slamming his knife on the counter.Â
âYouâre bleeding,â Marcus told him and Carmen looked down, blood was all over the chopping board. âYouâve been bleeding for a few seconds nowâŚweâve all been calling your name, Chef.âÂ
âFuck, I-I-IâmâŚâ Carmen was a blubbering mess, just watching his hand bleed like it didnât matter. âIâm-Iâm,â
âTake a break, Carm,â Sydney says but her partner just shakes his head. âCarmââ
âSydney, donâtâdonât make me take a fucking break, please.â
âYouâll need to clean up and make sure thereâs no more blood,â Sydney told him. âIâm not fucking around,â
âYeah,â he nods, putting his fist over his heart and drawing circles. Sydney nods and Carmy fixes his station.Â
He couldnât stop shaking, though. Even Tina saw how his hand trembled. What the fuck?
âCarmen,âÂ
âYeahâŚjustâŚjust give me a second, please.â he nods, picking his knife again and doing everything perfectly. Like clockwork. Heâs back. Heâs back. Heâs fine. Iâm fine. Iâm fine. Iâm alright.Â
PART 2
AN: Thank you for the love! This is going to be a two-part fic because I love how everything is right now⌠Donât forget to comment / reblog if you like it! I read every single little thing you guys typeâŚeven the hashtags.
TAGLIST: @kpopgirlbtssvt @morgthemagpie @hal3ynicol3 @1800-queen-trash
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