#because my shower is broken
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currently ill. need to project my illness onto someone else. expect sickfics if i have the energy to write any. father steve rogers here i come
#i hate getting sick so much#i take cold showers too#because my shower is broken#so now im just kinda shivering in bed#desperately clinging to the stuffed animal ive slept with every night for like four or five years#this is hell i think#i literally said yesterday that i was immune to the ao3 writer curse#and immediately afterwards got sick#what the freak is this#python333#python333 lore anyone??
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"You're pretty new at this whole relationship thing, huh?"
"... Yeah."
#outer range s2#outer range s2 spoilers#outer range 02x01#maria olivares#rhett abbott#isabel arraiza#lewis pullman#rhett x maria#um... idk i love them#but why would they do this to me? it's gonna sting so much when they break up#her teasing him is my favorite thing#but also her calling him ''wonderful''? my god the squeal i let out...#the smallest little smile and the way he looked at her before he said ''good'' after she said she likes how she feels when she's with him?!#now i'm rhett going ''don't do this'' but instead of with his truck it's with the show#my biggest gripe is that she doesn't help him that much with his broken arm... except maybe to help him shower? /hj#i get why he was the one to get the snacks... it was for the impact of the scene but still#it's great to see them laughing and smiling so much! love that!#i think she smiled at least once while her poor boyfriend was getting freaked out by cats#he could not keep a straight face for that long after saying ''what does that leave me?''#i wonder what he was gonna say before she said she liked how she feels when she's with him... was he giving her an out?#he has NOTHING pleasant to say about her not even a ''thank you'' after being called wonderful smh /j#tw: food?#my girl didn't even say ''bless you'' when he starting sneezing :(#i switched the last picture because i like the way they were smiling at each other when he got onto the bed#after maria laughs in the car after the buffalo run past them i think i can hear the lowest ''so are we-'' or ''sorry''?#and i think that may be because lew thought isa broke character?? but i'm not too sure... maybe it's rhett apologizing#but idk? maybe it's just rhett saying sorry because he felt self-conscious about maybe sounding stupid... or maybe i'm just hearing things#i think the way he even said ''okay'' after she took all the snacks was similar to the way she said it before she grabbed the snacks#look i understand not getting a shower scene but they truly robbed me of seeing rhett and maria with wet hair...#just another little nitpick but i think the ''i like who i am when i'm with you'' would hit harder if we saw maria in scenes without rhett
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I was so concerned with the horrors of making a doctor's appointment and the horrors of finding a job that i completely forgot about the worst horrors of them all. Finding an apartment.
#i just realized that yesterday#after my appointment#and now my rest of my time off is ruined#because i have to find a place to stay and the chances are low that I'll find something okay#the student dorm apartment was the hight of luxury (pretty new. good stove. good bathroom. hot water....)#now I'm most likely going back to broken showers‚ old almost unusable stove‚ hot water every once in a blue moon‚ no room to move#ugly depressing dirty#my dream is unattainable i know#i don't even want more than one room (even though in the long run i would love to have an apartment with a kitchen in a separate room)#but i would love to have an oven#i know it's too much too ask and i should be happy if i have a functional stove#also a bathroom that doesn't look and behave like it's 100 years old and is fully functional would be so nice#and my actual most important concern is having enough space to work out#it doesn't need to be much. i just wanna be able to move freely enough so i don't have to worry about bumping into anything#when doing burpees and whatnot#but I'll take what i can get#if have no choice#i can't commute. the train connections are too bad.#alright#I'll message some people now and get rejection after rejection after rejection 🥲#void screams
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ugghhh wintertime sucks!! I'm sad and tired and sad all the time.. I need a nap.. and f/o cuddles.. and another nap..
#ash rambles 💚#negative#part of it is definitely the weather#it's so dark and dreary and i never wanna leave my bed#but also just. my mood akdjajs I'm kinda down in the dumps today#im recovering from being sick which always fucks me up#and i just cant shake this feeling of anxiety..? and i feel kinda a lot like my f/os wouldnt like me or would fall out of love or never see#me as more than a friend and other stuff like that#i.. actually got broken up with yesterday irl!#it wasnt messy. he said that this isnt what he wanted and it was fine and we're back to being pals. i wasnt sad at all in the moment and#i dont think i am now..? it's weird. we were laughing like always literal minutes after having the chat. when we got together we said that#if things domt work out we wanna keep being friends. and we're doing just that. honestly i saw it coming and idek if i LOVE him anymore#what even does love feel like..? regardless I'm not upset or sad at my breakup since i saw it coming and I'm honestly happy he just. Talked#to me about it. we communicated and then three minutes later went back to talking about x.enoblade LMAAOO it was fun!#but it is ridiculous for me to expect to feel NOTHING at no longer being in a relationship. i cant just feel nothing. i dont feel sad per s#just... in my thoughts i guess? I don't think the feeling of my f/os not liking me stems from me being dumped though. i think thats just me#being me sjdjaksj I'm very insecure a lot of the time. i dont think being dumped helpd very much though LMAAAOO#I'm doing okay i promise. and I'll be alright. theres just both a lot and nothing going on at the same time and i feel... idk what i feel.#i hope my f/os love me 😭 i hope that a lot#and honestly i know this community is ass and I'm more than happy in my own corner with my couple of followers but. ngl I've really felt as#though I'm not valued here and all that junk as of late. yeah just.. i think everything is happening at the same time and I'm tired and#i feel like I'm a confused kiddo who doesnt know anything anymore BAHAHAHA#holy shit it just sounds like i need a shower and a nap huh- I'll be alright I'm just. dealing with stuff akdjsks but i also hate to always#bring the mood down like this! i always try my best to be haha silly and all that shit. I'm just gonna try to daydream about f/o cuddles#(and try to convince myself they dont hate me ofc)#oh and. i know i mentioned this but. i hate the weather. so much. I'm sad all the time. November is actually my least favorite month too 😭#I've gotta study a lot today and I'll try to sneak in some k.urohyou and hopefully start watching monster too but yeah i apolgize if#I'm acting off these days ajdjajs I'm very stuck in my own mind these days. not exactly the most fun place to be 😭#delete later#i mean akdjajs i literally started crying the other day because my friend said that my husband (k.yohei) loves me ajdkahdb come on ash..
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healing from brain damage is definitely the worst injury ive ever had to heal from so far 😞 this shit is so difficult yall
#tiny bit of my long med history for context:#i have broken my collarbone#i have had my face mauled by a dog where i had to Literally Physically tear it off my face#it locked its jaw around my nose and upper lip#i got like 10 stitches and they had to super glue my nose back together#but uhhhhhh#i got a concussion as a kid that went untreated because our healthcare system is so underfunded and understaffed#and that turned into what the doctors call ''functional nausea and vomiting disorder''#then on monday i got another concussion at work#and holy shit.#second-impact syndrome is a BITCH#im in so much pain if i use my brain at all#hey other dissociative people: you've dissociated from your body but have you ever had to dissociate from your brain?#or is this what being forcefully locked at the front and locked out of headspace feels like?#i think this might be worse though because i cant think at allllllllllllllllllllll#i get delirious if i try 😔#this is so hard#i sobbed in the shower over it for like 30 minutes today lol#i had to sit down in the middle of my shower and it was so hard yall#im trying to hard not to spiral#being vulnerable and putting this on my main instead of hiding it on one of my many many sideblogs#(jsyk if youve read this far then youre allowed to ask me what my active sideblogs are. dms and asks are open)#(@queerlyneurotic is one of my vents and where i usually put sad shit. you get a freebie for reading this.)
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૮꒰っ˕‹̥̥̥ ꒱ა i miss being owned
#i haven’t listen much here because genuinely it makes me feel more lonely and ive been contemplating deleting this account because i-#I haven’t posted* why did it auto to that#-started this for him and to ramble about him but now when everything happened i just feel hollow inside when i go on here#i just… miss being doted on and cared for#it’s embarrassing how much it helped me at the time. i struggle to take care of myself a lot but when i thought “owner will be happy if i-#-do this for him” about things like brushing my teeth regularly and taking good care of my skin and hair and showering etc#and honestly ever since that day i haven’t had the energy to clean my room or take care of myself#anyway. sorry I have not been doing well#reminds me I need a shower. i am also struggling with my relationship with sex again.#he helped it a lot but with my trust broken it’s now just as shaky as it once was and im also starting to see it as a form of SH again#which is very bad! very very bad#puppy barks#ftm nsft#pet pl@y#puppy sub#dumb puppy#pet pl4y#p3t play#mlm puppy#mlm kink
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Day three of holding everyone’s laundry hostage until my father takes a shower.
The last of my father’s beloved white socks have fallen to the filth. There is little hope, and even less in terms of rest. The battle is ongoing, and it feels often that I am fighting alone. Morale is low; my ally in this conflict, mother, is injured. I long for the days when I can rest. When this war will cease, and all will be clean again. The dishes done, the people bathed, the laundry washed and folded. Alas. We know the struggle will never end.
I am Sisyphus, and my father’s horrid stench and apathy are forever my boulder.
My father is a war profiteer, and I am a hapless young recruit greeting a doomed mission.
Last shower date: December 25th, 2023
#collective tag#it spoke#i’m venting#but like… only half serious#god I am so so so so tired.#I’m so pissed man#at just. everything#this house is falling apart around me and It’s like I can’t do anything#I have begged and begged and begged this fucking man to take a goddamn shower.#I cry about this#because he just doesn’t fucking care#I CANT DO EVERYTHING!!!!!#NOT FOREVER#huge ass ants everywhere? sure. fuck it. why not#piles and piles of laundry? okay. I can do that.#not paying the mortgage until our shit gets shut down and mom and I yell at you?#cooking halfassed meals that are only barely tolerable to you and inedible to everyone else#and then complaining when we don’t eat them despite how much we’ve all told you?#and leaving the whole kitchen to rot?#PISSING YOURSELF REPEATEDLY AND NOT CHANGING YOUR PANTS BECAUSE YOU DONT FEEL LIKE IT AND NEVER SHOWERING FOR MONTHS ON END?#I’m just… words cannot describe how tired I am right now.#mom has a broken foot too so I also have to take care of her even more than normal#how did baby me handle this all the time on top of school?#‘yeah sure i can take care of two fucked up angry disabled adults on top of my crippling childhood trauma and schoolwork!’#—>#‘I swear to fucking god I will telepathically make my heart stop beating by sheer force of fucking will if I hear you call for me again’#deepest apologies to any poor soul that reads this#i really just needed to cry and scream and cry harder again until I throw up#and maybe a hug
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Someone needs to put me down like a sick dog
#i tried to vacuum my bedroom like a good and functional adult and my vacuum IMMEDIATELY refused to pick up ANYTHING whatsoever#like not even dust. not even microscopic dust#checked the roller thing and it’s just absolutely clogged with hair. absolutely nonfunctional with what looks like more hair than is on my#head currently. SO MUCH FOR HAIR WRAP TECHNOLOGY#i have had a shitty bob for as long as i’ve had this vacuum this cannot be real#if i truly am losing hair en masse why do i still look like coconut head. answer me that#so i was like fine. i’ll fix it later. let me change my bed#tell me why one of the straps on my mattress protector is broken??????#i’ve dumped all my bedding on the landing so i can lie here and scream for a bit because why. whyyyyyy#this was supposed to be a good day. my weed gummies and suetonius both arrived#i was going to clean up and go for a run and then come back; shower; make myself a nice tofu stir fry and get baked#but it is SO stupidly hot today and all my shit seems to be determined to break#at least nothing weird happened while i was cleaning the fridge. that was really nice actually#i did have to wash the vegetable drawer because an ice pop had leaked all over the bottom of it. but you can’t have everything#(i don’t want to hear any comments about how i keep ice pops in my vegetable drawer. my freezer is like the size of one singular pea#where am i SUPPOSED to keep ice pops)#personal
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Listen my guys my besties my peeps
We (yes, you and I, we’re a team) have a job interview tomorrow and our depressive episode would really like it if we got this job so we can pay off some debts and keep our car running and our bills paid, alright? What I’m tryna say is
pray 4 me pls ok mwah
#misha rants#it is 1am and my interview is at 1:35pm#I shall walk there because anxiety#should I shower first??? probably#do I wear comfy or fancy?#it’s not my dream job by any stretch of imagination but by god. I need to be able to buy something#ANYTHING.#I need tattoos and food and an actual bed or maybe a dresser that isn’t broken#sobs into blankie
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i think i hauve covid
#die die die die suffering pain hellfire death gruesome torture#i only have 4 banked sick days :( which is better than none but still. that doesn’t even cover the whole week#my skin hurts so bad#my joints hurt so bad#our shower has been broken for four weeks because our landlord is an incompetent idiot so i can’t even bathe?? & i have fresh tattoos ??#kms
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.
#I was just in the shower (yes at 2 am because this is uni we don’t take showers before midnight we die like men) and I was suddenly struck#with this memory of this time at the end of my senior year where this guy in my dance company who I had known for like four or five years#but had barely exchanged two sentences with suddenly referred to me as ‘dearest sweetest of Vals’…but only to ask me to grab him a water#bottle 💀#and I thought it was a little weird but I moved on until like the next day I found out that he had broken up with his girlfriend the week#before and I was like was he trying to do something there?? or was he just being weird?? likely the latter but still that timing was a bit#strange that’s all I’m saying#anyway filing it in my collective pile of evidence to support the fact that every interaction I’ve had with a guy with romantic (or#potentially romantic) subtext has been objectively weird#I’d really like to disprove my conviction that my life is a dark romantic comedy and I’m the butt of every joke but ladies the evidence is#MOUNTING.#the only thing I’ll say about the guy who is the greatest evidence for this is that it involved a) a debate about the early church and#communism b) The Wingfeather Saga and c) him writing poetry comparing me to a rock#you can’t make this stuff up folks
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I hate having my routine interrupted. if you interrupt my eat breakfast and watch minecraft time I will kill you
#i like when things go a certain way i like planning out my day and when things don't go like they're supposed to or someone comes home a-#few hours late it destroys EVERYTHING#right now my brain is locked up because i'm trying to get myself to mow the lawn#but if i mow the lawn i'll get dirty and sweaty#and i bathed yesterday so that means i can't bathe again today#but also i can't wait until tomorrow. do you see it do you understand#the lawnmower was broken a little bit ago and i didn't shower for a week because i can't until after the lawn is mowed.
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Fuck me running
#i just bent the hell out of that implement and the honda generator is broken so i have to use the welding machine but i dont#have the right plug for that so now i gotta run my sweaty ass all the way to my walmart to get the plug#then come back and hook everything up take a shower then leave to go to sam-c to visit my grandpa#anyway the implement doesn't really matter because its just the disks with the feeders on top i just cant believe i bent it
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listening to music on blast removing my own sutures x
#vibez tbh#anyway . i have my medical tape off rn bc i just took a shower#will remove this thing then put it back on . but anyway slightly sinking in. had a what have i done what have i#become kind of moment . like i am no longer in pain so i can think now . i cant feel my nose or my thighs or my jaw properly#looked at my face and i was like oh . ok. got held up at iran passport security started saying my prayers#and they were like we dont think you are the person in your passport. and i had to show them evidence etc like#yeah i literally am unrecognisable as a person actually. same w the UK e-gates#i have someone else hair laser glued onto mine. i have a part of my body#grafted onto another part of my body. i had my nose broken and restructured.#i had half of my corneal tissue removed to see better. on their own these are all minor#but altogether at the same time i look. different.#it's so fascinating. interesting . etc. like genuinely what the fuck#to wake up and just look like a completely different person . knowing you have been rearranged and subtracted from and added to.#i feel like an art project. i feel like art. i feel like a monster. i feel fascinated.#i feel fascinating.#still have 8 lives left its alright .#when i had femto lasik done (which is supposed to be pretty much painless) i experienced the worst pain of my life#this is because i forgot to tell them about the grafting under my eyes and because there were two initially imperceptible wounds/scars#in both of my eyes. i felt the heat and pressure inside my eyes and i felt them cutting into#infinitely small points of pain. my head felt warm and my eyes were melting. my doctor apologised for not seeing them before#and he told me to focus on the green light in the middle of the red and i did . and they spread into a thousand stars#and i kept repeating to myself JUST GREEN NOTHING ELSE JUST THE GREEN NOTHING ELSE until it was over#i spent the next day in agony despite the pressure lenses and the apologies#but that constellation of green and red overlayed on nothingness#and patterns generated by blood vessels and lasers#was one of the most beautiful things i have ever seen to this day.#maybe the most beautiful thing . i dont know.
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its absolute bullshit that the sonic frontiers boss fight songs make me think of [redacted] when 1) it came out literally last year, like 4 years after ive had any sort of contact with her and 2) she was never even into sonic!! she offhandedly made fun of me for liking sonic stuff in high school!! why the FUCK do i picture being in her house when i listen to im here. unfair >:|
#turning off reblogs is still broken for me if any of u random bs blogs touch this post ill kill both of us#this post broight to you by my day be so fine then boom. sonic song makes me cry in the shower#rughghghghhh this SUCKS . this SUCKS and i HATE IT#like. its Probably because its kellin quinn. but even then????????? like. i can listen to sws songs just fine#like sws doesnt bother me anymore with the exception of like 2 songs.#so why the FUCK can i not listen to my fucking sonic music which i never even had the chance to associate with her even a little bit?!?!?!#sucks. sucks so bad. i fucking love the guitar in the beginning of im here. but like.#it gave me this . flash of being in her bedroom and now i am a mess#head in hands j fucking hate it here (<< my brain. and also like. the proximity to her house.#i think she has area of effect damage. i get within 10 miles of her or some place i associate with her and my brain just melts into goo
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today's testosterone shot bandaid is: eevee
#i'm emergency dog sitting for the mom of the woman i have dog sat for two summers now and#i continue to be glad that i bought a collapsible stool as a travel shower chair because it is also#a good surface for my travel shot kit#which is contained in a firm zipper case that came with an electric stirrer that is now broken and for which i never used the case until no#i must put stickers or something on this case
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