#because my adhd is worse now than it was before I started them

[sleepingwiththegods]

things that have worked now that I’ve actually tried them:

- Finding a source of caffeine / coffee that doesn’t make me anxious - Going for walks in the morning before work - Reading a little bit of a book every day - Exercising every day + finding an exercise / fitness activities that I actually like (rowing, cycling, and yoga) - Taking vitamins everyday - Going to bed early - Prioritizing drinking water - Drinking alcohol less.  - Reaching out to talk to my friends when I’m feeling lonely. 

[fairlyang]

Sharing ⚔️🐺

w/c: 2.4K

pairing: logan howlett x wade wilson x f!reader

tags: 18+ smut. mmf threesome, pure filth, jealousy, cunnilingus, blowjob, fingering, throating fucking, wade being wade, finger sucking, logan fucks you, unprotected sex (don’t do this!), creampie, cum slurping (??)

a/n: this is my first fic for both characters! watched all the x-men bc of my second rewatch of dp&w and i’m in love w that old man. also this took me a week to write 🧍‍♀️

you didn’t know how but you somehow were able to get both wade and logan into bed with you.

a dream come true but the downside was the fact they were both acting all territorial and not at all wanting to pull away from you.

when you first started they both wanted to make out with you and you had to switch off quickly before the bickering began. though having them each suck one breast was enough for a short while. 

but now logan was devouring your pussy like the starved man he was and although wade let him have a turn first, he grew impatient fast. very fast.

unfortunately his unmedicated adhd was of no help to him and if anything just made things even worse for him.

now he didn't believe in the saying "save the best for last" because he was aching to taste you. he was so fucking hard, he swore it was more painful than having blue balls. 

finally, after enjoying the show for a solid three minutes, he groaned and shook logan's shoulder to get his attention. "don't be so fucking stingy old man, give me a turn." wade complained and groaned some more.

logan ignored him and kept his eyes on you, sucking on your clit while he teased your entrance with the tip of his finger making you whine. he moaned against you sending shivers all throughout your body meanwhile wade was all pouts and damn near stomping his feet. 

logan continued ignoring him because if he was one thing, it was stubborn. 

on the other hand, wade was relentless and wasn’t going to give up so easily, and luckily he knew how to push logan’s buttons. 

“come on grandpa, I know you’ll get tired soon enough anyway, just tap out.” wade pestered, earning himself a low growl from the older man.

you could only giggle at wade’s reaction, finding his eagerness to be cute and in a way, needy.

logan on the other hand rolled his eyes and wanted to stab him with his claws somewhere it’d take a while to regenerate just to have more time with his head buried between your thighs, but he opted against it. he didn’t want to ruin your bed with his blood. 

"you both said you'd be fine with sharing.." you say and point a finger at them both.

logan looked up at you and you gave him a look, earning yourself an eye roll. he pulled away and groaned, wiping your arousal from his face with the back of his hand before he stands up so wade could take his rightful seat between your legs. "better do it right, bub." 

"you bet your ass i'm gonna do it right, just look at this beauty." he says and lets out a little whistle before admiring how you were glistening already.

all wet and ready for him.

"yeah you're gonna have to surgically remove me from this perfect fucking pussy." he murmurs then dives right in while logan comes up at you and curses at him.

you playfully rolled your eyes at him and put your hand on his cheek before pulling him in for a kiss. he immediately kissed back and didn't waste a singular second to slide his tongue into your mouth. 

that’s when wade decided to pull your legs up and keep them steady while he lapped at your folds, making you moan in logan’s mouth. he groaned back and let his hands wander over your body, squeezing your tits, hips, everything he could get his hands on. 

your hands traced along his pecs, collarbones, then slowly going down as he deepens the kiss — electricity surging through your body, and the overall feeling of warmness radiating off each other was palpable. 

you pull away from him so you can see his belt so you can quickly take it off. he took his shirt off while you took the belt off and unbottoned his pants. he sat up and you tried to take his pants off with haste but it seemed wade also wanted your attention on him as he slipped a finger inside you making you gasp. 

logan rolled his eyes, letting out a growl as he took his own pants off and throwing them on the floor. he sat up, knees on the bed and spread wide as he grabbed your attention by clicking his tongue, “focus over here, princess.” 

it easily got your attention, like a moth to a flame. too easy. 

you leaned up and started stroking him through his boxers, he closed his eyes and moaned. you smiled and with one quick movement slid his boxers down making his cock spring up and hit his stomach. 

you looked at it speechless and nearly drooling. it was the perfect amount of thick and long, precum leaking down the tip and a solid vein on the side. you tried to sit up a bit but wade’s grip on your legs wasn’t budging so you just began to stroke him. 

he leaned down a bit — his eyes back on you — and it was just enough to kiss his tip so you did before tasting the precum and licking it from your lips making him groan. the sight was as good as he imagined it, hell even fucking better. 

"fuck-" he moaned and put a hand on your head, urging you to do something.

wade looks up at you then at logan with his eyes rolled to the back of his head and you're just giving him kitten licks. he pulls away from your clit to let out a chuckle then speaks directly at you as he slowly fingers you, "don't tease the old man, baby. we gotta respect our elders."

you looked down at him then nodded — turning your attention back to logan's cock. wade's grip loosened just a tad bit so you could move your body up to try to take his cock in your mouth. you opened wide and slap it on your tongue, not being able to help the urge to tease him anyway.

logan grunted and thrusted his hips forward, "come on bub i'm dying over here." he groaned making you chuckle.

"patience is a virtue." you tease, looking up at him through your eyelashes.

he groans and shakes his head before holding your head still and makes you take the tip inside your mouth. you moan against him and immediately take more of him in your mouth while stroking his shaft. "you know that's not my strong suit, bub."

“and never will be peanut.” wade snickers and slips a second finger inside you. 

you moan against logan’s cock and slowly bob your head back and forth while wade tries to match your pace. you quickly notice what he’s trying to do and try to fit more of logan in your mouth but he was just so thick. 

he slowly began to thrust his hips forward, making you take it so you just relaxed and let him. you breathed through your nose and brought a hand down to hold one of wade’s. he grabbed it softly and gave it a squeeze while he continued fucking you, a bit faster now. 

you reached your other hand up to logan and he grabbed it, rubbing his thumb against your skin while your name slipped out of his lips like a prayer, because he just can’t help it.

your mouth felt so good, so heavenly. he knew this should’ve been done sooner but better late than never.

you closed your eyes and slowly laid your head down on the mattress so he could do the work, you turned your head more to the side and he started going faster. meanwhile wade added a third finger and was matching logan’s pace while he looked at the view with pure lust in his eyes. 

“doing so good pumpkin, treating our old man how he deserves huh?” wade purrs making you clench against his fingers. 

wade went back to your clit and started sucking then alternating to flicking it with his tongue. you were letting out muffled moans but they were just overpowered by logan’s. he looked down at you and moaned, “atta girl, just like that baby. takin’ it so good.” 

“put that mouth to good use peanut, she’s been so sassy with us recently.” wade chimes in making logan chuckle. 

“she has, hasn’t she?” he groans and slows down but starts going deeper. 

wade matches that as well and that’s when he takes full notice on how your juices were dripping down his fingers, “jesus it’s like niagara falls down here except i could drink this up for the rest of my life.” 

logan smirks and finally stops, sliding himself off so you can breathe. you take a deep a breath and wade slips his fingers out of you as well making you whine. he gasps and points a finger at logan, “what kind of sorcery is this?!?!!”

“i want a taste.” he mutters and wade sticks his fingers out earning himself a loud growl. 

you roll your eyes and sit up, reaching for his arm before opening your mouth and taking all his fingers in your mouth — tasting yourself while you made eye contact with him. 

after tasting all your juices, you pull his hand away with a plop then turn to logan and grab his arm to pull him down before pulling him in for a kiss. you stuck your tongue inside his mouth and before you knew it he started kissing back, able to taste how sweet you are. 

you pulled away and laid back down, looking at them both before they exchanged looks, “move over wilson, it’s my turn.” he responds and climbs off the bed. 

wade climbs on top of the bed and takes logan’s previous position because he did say he would try his best to share. he never liked sharing any of his toys but with you, it might be different. 

unfortunately logan was a fucking liar, and as much as he loved tasting you, he needed to be inside you even more. 

he spread your legs and positioned himself to your entrance, teasing you with just the tip while you licked wade’s wet tip. “thanks for warming her up for me, bub.” he says, giving wade a sly wink then sliding inside you with ease. 

your walls clamped against him, and you couldn’t help the whimpers that came out. he made himself fit and just slid all the way in, to take in how you feel. 

you were so tight, squeezing him to absolute perfection he could’ve sworn he was seeing stars. 

you were about to take wade into your head when he shook his head and grabbed your hand, bringing it to his cock, “your mouth can take a small break, cupcake.” 

you grinned up at him and began to stroke him, he was also thick like logan. now you were just confused how the hell you didn’t think of doing this sooner. 

logan was now slowly starting to fuck into you, just wanting to be as deep as he can be because you just molded onto his cock like a missing puzzle piece. he held onto the back of your thighs and leaned down a little, thrusting back and forth while he held eye contact with you. 

you were already teary eyed, looking so fucked out, in bliss. your eyes were fluttering and you could’ve sworn you were dreaming. “how’s that cock feel baby?” wade asked and you just moaned. 

he grinned and just watched how you took logan, how your body was reacting to his and how he swore he could cum a whole ocean just from watching. 

logan began going faster, having a similar reaction to wade. you looked so fucking pretty taking him, and trying your best to stroke wade. so fucking perfect. 

“bet you’re close huh, gramps?” wade cuts his thoughts and he could only grunt. “can’t even blame you really… not at all actually. but we gotta make sure our girl finishes too.” he adds and that he could agree with. 

you bring your unoccupied hand down to start rubbing your clit and instantly feel that familiar feeling in your lower belly. “gonna cum for us, baby?” wade purrs and you just nod while letting out mixed moans with both of their names. 

“that’s my good girl.” logan murmurs, making you whimper. 

“our good girl.” wade corrects making logan chuckle. 

“our good girl.” logan grunts, earning himself some desperate little cries from you.

your legs began to shake and you continued stroking wade, going as fast as you could. within seconds you could feel him twitching and logan’s thrusts started to become sloppy. “please cum inside me.”  you murmur making both men groan. 

with one final thrust, logan released his load deep inside you, your orgasm hit you hard — making you a shaking mess and a mix of moans and cries leaving your lips. meanwhile wade was groaning and spilling his load all over you, some made it to your mouth and some even down to your belly. 

the room was filled with loud breaths and the strong smell of sex that just intoxicated logan’s nostrils. he caught his breath and looked down at you, eyes fluttering and a cute little smile on your face. 

he slowly brought your legs down, letting them rest on the soft mattress before slowly sliding out of you. you calmed your breathing down and let go of wade’s dick. when you felt logan’s dick slip out, you instantly felt his load come out and drip down to your asshole. 

as if a physical light bulb lit up above wade’s head, he quickly got off the bed, and went between your legs and not hesitating for one second to slurp up absolutely every drop of the mixed fluids. 

you and logan both looked at him with shocked looks on your faces, absolutely stunned. 

he didn’t pull away until you were absolutely clean and no remnants were to be seen. he finally looked up at you both and just shrugged, “when else would i get the chance?” 

“we could always do it again?” you offer and shrug, trying to be nonchalant as if your brain isn’t already filled with more ideas. 

“do i smell a part two?” wade asks, raising an eyebrow before getting up just to lay next to you while logan did the same. 

maybe sharing wouldn’t be the end of the world.

[comicaurora]

Hey, sorry if you’ve been asked this before, but I have ADHD and I’ve been following your comic for years and just now have started to write my own comic (partially because you really inspired me). But I’m really struggling with staying on the project even when it’s boring and getting myself to work on it in the first place. Do you have any tips on how to keep your brain invested or just to make yourself do the work at all?

I have excellent news, I literally just figured out something really important about this.

So when you're an ADHD kiddo or otherwise have difficulty staying on task in a structured environment where Task is the Priority, the main way people try to MAKE you stay on task is by removing your access to anything that is not The Task. No phone, no TV, no doodling, no going outside, etc. In practice, this just makes us miserable because it takes the boredom that's always simmering around a 2 or 3 and cranks it all the way up to 11. In the same way that you would have difficulty staying on task if you were in physical pain, this crushing existential monotony makes it very difficult to work. The work might get done simply because you have no other options, but it will not be done quickly or well, and it will take a while to recover from how much it hurt.

What I realized earlier this week is I caught myself doing this to myself. I had 42 pages of background colors to do, and I thought to myself "this sounds really tedious, but I suppose I have nothing better I can do." And I realized what I'd just thought, and got very alarmed.

Because back when I was an ADHD kiddo imprisoned by school scheduling and a million little factors that keep children immobile and restrained, I couldn't stop thinking about how big and exciting the world was, and how much I wanted to be anywhere but here. When I was feeling really crushed in I'd pick a random spot on the maps on my wall and just imagine being there instead of my bedroom. This was the impetus behind almost all of my creative energy. I've said it before - anything is a prison if you can't leave, and being in a prison makes it easy to imagine how amazing things could be outside of it. Aurora's initial worldbuilding was forged in the crucible of fifth grade misery. My enthusiasm for art and my creative drive are inextricable from my sense of wonder and yearning for excitement in the real world. Not escapism, but appreciation. Wonders unimaginable are out there, and I gain just as much joy seeking them out as I do conjuring them up in my head and sharing them with all of you.

So now that I'm a grown-up with actual freedom in every way I've been able to get, the idea that I was staying on task by making myself believe the world was small and not worth seeing was extremely alarming. It could keep me on task for an afternoon, but at the cost of slowly extinguishing the thing that made me want to make art in the first place - the hunger to experience and draw inspiration from all the myriad complexities in the world.

So what I've been doing is I've been purposefully and intentionally taking excursions whenever I catch myself thinking "I could take a break but it wouldn't be worth it, it's the same outdoors as always, I'll be uncomfy and unproductive and tired." Because that is never true. Every time I've put down the stylus and gone out, I've been renewed in one way or another, and when I come back to comfort fully recharged I get a lot of shit done. Because it is easier to work on anything if you remember why you wanted to make it in the first place, and it is self-defeating misery to just lock yourself in with it and tell yourself you're a bad person if you can't get it done.

I honestly don't know how widely applicable this is. I have worse wanderlust than anyone I know, so for me this has always been modeled as imprisonment vs freedom. I've also been extremely lucky to find myself in a profession that lets me set my own pace on literally everything I do. But I genuinely believe that when it comes to making art with ADHD, you need to give yourself freedom to move laterally, not just in the direction of obvious forward progress. We don't think linearly in any other part of our lives - art is no different.

[cr33pz-mck3nna]

heyy, i'm glad the poly carnival post s doing so well!! i'm a sucker for them, so i'm back here to ask for them x reader again but this time having a date at a carnival!:3 hope you're having a good day!

Date Headcanons with the Carnival trio

At the fair!

Warnings: Not many this time(except the possible some mentions of blood and death bcs it's creepypasta so-) bcs it's fluff!, Jack being a tsundere bitch-

Ft: Our favorites! My versions of Jason, Jack and Candy!

I was listening to this and this while writing!

Jason the Toymaker

The ringmaster!

• You two had met at the carnival so of course he loves to take you back there! Most of the time Jason cannot leave the carnival, too busy keeping up the performance, so if you decide to show up or go to another carnival on his night off than best bet that all his attention, when he can be with you, is on you

• Jason has always looked so much like a human so it's easy for him to blend in with them if you go to any old carnival

• You had been walking through the crps carnival with your friends when you saw a very interesting man dressed in a casual suit, or as casual as a suit could be- It was the hair that had first caught your attention, a brighter red than the lights, and in your words he was "Fucking awesome!", words he obviously heard, oh he loves remembering your face when it was time for the tent show and the lights cued on him in the center of the rings

• You brought something too heavy? Don't worry, it's nothing to him! You didn't bring money? Really don't worry because oh BOY this man is filthy rich- Absolutely anything you want to do, see or eat, it's always paid for!(and they said chivalry is dead! guess you just needed a serial killer-/j)

• He will never admit it but the rides scare him, they're still his favorite part though because he loves watching you and your divine smile as you have fun, he will hold anything you have on you and encourage you to go have fun

• He doesn't usually eat human food but he makes an exception for carnival food, and I hope you do too because nothing will be a better date experience than devouring half the carnival with him

• And now that the sun has gone down it's time for his favorite part of bringing you here for dates, your hair flowing softly in the cool night wind and the lights shining so perfectly on your face, this is perfection to him, this is the closest he will get to seeing heaven

"You look so perfect under the lights my dearest..please, stay like that for a moment, let me burn this moment into my brain enough that I may keep you with me on the many nights we stay apart.."

Laughing Jack

The Clown

• WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!? Is exactly the thoughts Jack has about you. He is in no way even slightly like a human, usually when his clown act with the others comes out that's the point when the audience starts to get scared, but you...you thought he was hot!? Like actually what is wrong with you!? He just had to know more!

• He doesn't usually leave the carnival, the many nights away from you always nags at him, so whenever you decide to show up to surprise him OH BOY you're gonna have ADHD Jack on your hands- If there was ever a time when Jack was the most like he used to be before Isaac it was whenever you surprised him

• He is immediately pulling you to all the different rides, he's very out of character for himself, usually being a short tempered snarky prick and a MASSIVE tsundere(we shamelessly call out the tsundere, worse than mammon* istg-), but you're truly seeing a glimpse of who he is or more appropriately who he was. He is flying for the haunted house every time, if someone's around he'll still by force of habit act uninterested but when they leave he's straight on to ranting about how they still couldn't get it right and it's not scary enough.

• Expect him to be the best person ever at finding the best places to eat, he's been there so long he's bound to have eaten everything atleast twice, he's a MASSIVE sweet tooth but he also can't help himself when it comes to pizza, something about the soft yet crunchy dough, the rich cheese and the slightly sweet sauce, it's almost as good as candy!

• If you see a prize or item somewhere and so much as give the hint that you might want it, like it, hell even just see it, and Jack will take it upon himself as a personal mission to win/buy that thing for you, you're not going anywhere until he does-

• It's late so he takes you to the carousel, as you spin around on it, the lights and people slowly flashing by, you're falling asleep on him and he smiles

"Did you have fun sweetheart? Good. No, we don't have to get up just yet, rest your head, we have all night."

Candy Pop

The Magician

• Anyone who sees him would assume he's part of the creepy clown act, but no, this brightly colored dream demon is the most skilled in his tricks, magic or not, and you thought his act was the coolest

• Candy loves when you come out to visit, he can't take you places like a normal person would, like he wishes he could, but when you show up at the carnival he makes sure to make it the best time you've ever had!

• Anything you wish to eat? Here you go he already had it! You enjoyed a particular part of the show? Let's go meet the performers in person! Everyone likes Candy so it's pretty much set that everyone likes you too.

• Candy is always performing, he barely knows how to stop performing, it's all he's ever done, but you...you make him feel like a normal person who doesn't have to constantly perform, you make him feel human and he'll always love you for that

• You drag him on to a ride or two, buy about 20 different kinds of food, and unlike the other two he's fine with or without the rides and food, you're all he needs, if you want to do something then so does he, if you don't like something then neither does he even if he loved that thing prior to meeting you

• He's always fidgeting with his playing cards, spinning them in one hand as you drag him around by the other. When you're there he performs like he never has before, great feats of magic all for you, ginormous bubbles, a fake elephant, houdini tricks, you name it and he's doing it to show off

• By the time night fell you're in his personal tent, unwinding and chatting over a cup of cocoa

"Well that was an excellent day! Possibly the most thrilling I've had! But I guess that's how every day with you is gumdrop~"

OMG I STARTED WRITING THIS YESTERDAY AFTERNOON, LOST THE ENTIRE JASON SEGMENT, HAD TO REWRITE IT LAST NIGHT ALONGSIDE JACK'S PART AND THEN JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY MY MOTHER BLASTING CHRISTMAS MUSIC IN MY FACE AND WROTE CANDY'S PART- I go all out on these requests man, speaking of requests WELCOME BACK ANON! You've requested so much I shall now call you "🤡 anon", you've earned a special anon name! Have a lovely day my little gremlins! -Creepz

@sketchist-art

(I'm tagging you sketchist bcs ur bbgs have returned for another fic and you were probably gonna read this eventually so imma just start tagging u on carnival trio posts- XD)

*shameless obey me reference-

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I started putting my partner's dirty dishes on their desk after they leave them on my desk?

So, my partner and I have our computer desks in the same room. They stay up later than me and will frequently have a late night snack that produces dirty dishes. Very often, they will put the dishes on my desk if I'm already in bed so that it's out of the way while they game. The problem is that when they're done for the night, they'll frequently leave the dishes on my desk instead of taking it to the kitchen.

I don't really have a problem with them not taking the dishes to the kitchen right away because god knows I leave trash/dishes on my own desk sometimes too. I would just rather they don't leave it on my desk because then I have to move it somewhere before I use my computer, and I just end up putting it in the sink or dishwasher. I've tried asking them not to do it anymore multiple times and reminding them after they do it, and while they've gotten somewhat better they still leave dishes on my desk pretty often (it used to be every night and now it's just most nights kind of thing).

I really don't think asking them is going to do much more than it already has. We both have ADHD, but theirs is Definitely worse than mine. Very specifically their clutter blindness is a lot worse than mine, so I know the issue is that the dishes are out of sight, out of mind.

I want to start just moving the dishes to their desk so that it's back in their line of sight and they're reminded to deal with them without me verbalizing it, but I'm going back and forth about that idea. One one hand, I hate feeling like their mom and constantly reminding them to clean up after themselves. And if I don't remind them and just clean it up, then I pretty often end up doing more chores and not sitting down to relax as soon as I'd like to (i.e, oh they left some wrappers and a dirty bowl on my desk, well I'll just take it to the kitchen. Ugh, the sink is full and the dishwasher is clean. Well I'll just unload it really quick and load it again. Oh and the trash is also full so if I want to throw these wrappers away I need to take the trash out and put a new bag in. Suddenly it's 20-30 minutes later, which doesn't seem like much but it adds up when it's happening multiple times a week.) But on the flip side, I feel like this is the kind of thing that could be read as passive aggressive even though I really don't mean it that way. I'm not trying to punish them I just don't want to always be cleaning up after them when it's cutting into my already short evening relaxing time.

[tessasilverswan]

Jeremy’s backstory: a Theory™

So. Pearl Jam has a song called Jeremy and I listened to it a lot over the summer and it sparked a theory. This has been in my drafts and floating around in my head for months, mostly in chaotic bullet point form, and I figured I’d post it before tgr comes out & then see how wrong I was. I hope it makes sense. Under the cut because it got really fucking long.

@you-know-i-get-itt here it is, but i warned you

What if Jeremy was a problem child™? Undiagnosed ADHD and anger issues, worsened by what happened to his brother and the tight public image rules his stepfamily imposed.

He was a happy and very energetic toddler, but quick to throw temper tantrums. Textbook terrible twos. At 5-6, he was very imaginative, liked to play with toys and tell their stories.

His eldest sibling committed suicide at 14, when Jeremy was 8. It broke his parents’ marriage, or maybe it was already broken and this was just the drop that spilled the glass. They’d married young and in love, after 15 years, they were neither of those anymore. The father moved out of the picture. The mother remarried in less than a year and moved them all from Montana to California when he was about 9. That's the point when kids usually "grow up" a bit and stop being so hyper, but he didn't. The new adults in his life weren't outright mean, but they did chastise him for not staying still at events, or for whispering the stories he made up to his siblings during family dinners. And nobody talked about his brother at all. Every time Jeremy brought him up he was either shushed or ignored. And he still had explosive anger outbursts.

Puberty was worse. He was not good at pretending to listen to the speeches, he always zoned out and started tapping a beat on his thighs and feet. The step-family started treating him like a problem child, wrinkling their noses and treating him as impossible. He still missed his brother, and now he was old enough to understand what had happened, but his mother never wanted to talk about him. He got angry more and more often, which only made the congressman’s family dislike him more. He had been quite obedient as a child, but he started to openly challenge authority figures at school and at home, which landed him in detention with the troublemakers.

His mother's in-laws, and eventually herself, stopped trying to get him to behave better, dismissing him except for when he was required to appear at an event. Then, they threatened to not let him play Exy if he didn't behave. Those were their only interactions. Bryson soon followed, and Jeremy was only on good terms with his other brother and his sister.

At 16, he started to fall in with the wrong crowd, but quietly. He kept good grades, didn’t miss practice, showed up on time and dressed up to the events where his presence was required. Only Annalise, who played Exy too, noticed that he came home back too late from practice; the step-family didn’t pay attention to him as long as his behavior was deemed appropriate. Jeremy was angry, furious most of the time, but learned to keep the anger a secret between him and the mirror, or sometimes a punching bag.

He tried drugs when a friend of a friend offered him some, because he might as well. He’d stopped caring much about anything a while ago, and they sort of made him forget what he was angry about, pushing his brother and the pressure to keep up appearances to the back of his mind and slowing his thoughts. It’d been a long time since he felt so light, and he craved it again. What started with a few joints devolved into hard drugs, though he was discreet; only the family butler caught him once the summer after finishing highschool, but he promised Jeremy not to tell, not knowing the issue didn’t run deeper than a teenager messing around. He was even complicit, which really snapped the final string.

Jeremy had perfected his vacant smile years ago, and he used it indiscriminately with his mother's family, his team, and his friends. It all came to a close at the fall banquet of his freshman year. His mother and step-father had spent hours instructing his already perfect manners and dinner etiquette, because it was his first “public” appearance “on his own” (without the family to keep any possible slips in check). And the Trojan coaches had well-intentionally but repeatedly reminded everyone to be on their very best behavior, deserving of the Kayleigh Day Spirit Award. And Jeremy was high. And he snapped. He punched someone, maybe a Raven, maybe not, maybe there was some taunting, but Jeremy blew up and out of proportion, and it escalated into a multiple-team brawl. The authorities were called; there were some non-serious injuries so a medical team showed up and checked everyone. For some reason they did blood tests and oh surprise, Jeremy Knox, a congressman’s stepson was high as a fucking kite.

The step-family paid A LOT of money to keep it quiet and to prevent Jeremy from getting suspended from playing, even if only because the politician could not afford the scandal. They were up in arms towards Jeremy, got him into therapy + rehab discreetly, threatened to not let him play exy if he so much as talked to the people he’d get high with and, if they’d ignored him before, now it was the most utter disregard of his existence save for a daily renovation of threats.

Even in this situation, therapy helped. Not much, at first, but Jeremy had the incentive of exy to keep attending, and eventually things got a bit better, especially with some meds. The degree he’d picked because it seemed standard enough started to interest him more, he started to connect more with his teammates, and to switch the plastic smile for a more genuine one. Things at home eventually returned to previous levels of indifference, although they still keep a very tight control on all his purchases (he saves the receipts) and he still stays there during the school year, even though he hates it, because every time he asks, they bring up the blood work again.

They wouldn’t actually do it, because of their image, but Jeremy can’t risk it, not when he’s this close to graduating in one of the best teams in the collegiate league. And maybe he doesn’t push it because he still carries all that grief and guilt over his brother, even if none of it was his fault, and a part of him believes it’s his penance.

(i am so sorry if you made it this far)

[bulbabutt]

if i can be corny for a second i wanna talk about the greatest strengths of the 2003 tmnt series and why it speaks to me (esp as a queer person)

so i might have alluded to this before, but let me say it outright: each show is definitely a product of its time, and the ideals of whatever generation its from. whether talking about the humour, the story, the dialogue etc, its always important to remember that these shows will always come off in a way due to the generation theyre from. and thats not a bad thing! it just means its important to think about them from that perspective.

2003 is a show of my generation growing up, and a thing about that era that maybe some people younger than me wont understand is there is so much more language commonly available to describe yourself now than there was then. you can take this in any context; mental health, sexuality, gender identity, or even just the ability to describe your relationships with more (idk if this will be the right word) therapist language.

in 03 we have a family unit of splinter and his sons, each with their own strengths and weaknesses. we have a splinter who hasnt opened up to his sons about the trauma hes experienced, but not in a way of shutting them out, simply because it isnt their responsibility to know as they are teenagers. he tells them of the mutagen that created them, but not of his past with his master yoshi, who he calls father when by himself, but never around his sons which is just an interesting concept to think about.

(i do not intent this next sentence as ragging on the two shows after this when i say it, simply from a character standpoint) this is the splinter who completely doesnt make his problems his sons problems, but he also is very willing to tell them the truth when he knows they're ready. this is is the most idyllic version of splitner out of all of them, even when comparing to his mirage counterpart (who hes the most based on) due to that splinter raising them to be ninja specifically to make them fight shredder. this one is just their father who loves them and wants to keep them safe the best way he can, and he was never a human in the first place to even know how to be that. so this whole family dynamic starts with him, and the way he raised his sons reflects his parenting.

so, the setting and year this show is made is 2003. something very relatable here is how there isnt a lot of language for the personality quirks of the turtles. there's so much evidence here for mikey having adhd, his brothers will say things like "why doesnt mikey have to help?" and the answer is "well, he'd be bored. and whats worse, mikey not helping or mikey being bored?" its this beautiful moment of, "hey, we know its not fair, but thats how mikey is, and its better for everyone if we just respect that thats how he is" mikey cant keep his hands off stuff, they know this they dont yell at him for behaving that way, they just stop him. this coding feels the most specific, but like i said. its 2003. we dont have the words to describe what this is yet, and if we do its not common knowledge.

another example is in the classic episode where raphael meets casey jones. raphael is sparring with mikey, and he lashes out and nearly kills mikey. everyone reacts to this by getting him to stop, and no one is more upset than raphael himself. they all tell him to go get some air, which he does. theres no moment of any of them screaming at him for losing his temper, its very clear that they all know he's going to do that himself. and he does go get some air. they all know thats what he needs. he goes and meets casey jones, another hot head, and raph has to help coach this hot head on his anger. when he comes back at the end of the episode after having let out that aggression, he apologizes and no one is upset with him. there's a very clear understanding among his family that he cannot help it, but the best thing they can do is give him his space when he needs it. watching this from a 2023 perspective (20 years later) im sure we could analyze this as a few things going on with raph, my mind comes to autism but at the end of the day it doesnt matter why he behaves like this, the point is that he does and the best thing his family does is just...help him. which they do. and they never hold it against him.

when leo is going through his ptsd arc hes at his closest to raph as a character, the show draws a lot of parallels (like having him go let out some aggression with casey) and we get to see the dynamic in reverse. in "i, monster" (the rat king episode) leo is losing it, taking on rat king alone and not wanting to let up. raphael is actively holding his brothers back when they say "we shouldnt leave him to fight alone", raphael says "if leo gets in trouble i'm the first one in there, but right now it looks like leo's got more than one monster to work out of his system" raph doesn't exactly know what leos going through, but he recognizes it. he knows he needs to fight alone, so raph lets him. its only when the building collapses and leo is no longer in a safe position that he says "leo lets go", which leo wordlessly agrees with and actually listens.

this is what i think is the best part of these guys, the unconditional understanding they have for the way they are. we still have our "raphs a big hot head" "mikeys annoying" jokes, but they feel like genuine good natured sibling ribbing because they know each other on that level.

and to go back to the fact that this show is set in 2003, there's something so specific about the way mikey constantly makes references to liking women's clothing, to being fine with feminine language, and to being open about being the pretty turtle who "has that effect on minds of men" speaks to me as a queer person. this could easily be intended as homophobic jokes and probably is, because again.... its the mid 2000s, thats very much what media was like, thats what the jokes were. especially with the girly screams mikey does being one of the first jokes of this nature.

but theres something that happens in season 4, where an alien is attacking mikey, and donnie rushes in and says "hey, thats my sibling" that sticks out. and it happens again in fast forward. when talking to the dark turtles leo says "you and your brothers" "me and my siblings"

because of the way this family unit just understands each other without ever having a conversation about things, it feels like its not a joke. theres some kind of affirmation happening here. even if it seems like i could be reading into it too much, its specific! and it keeps happening!

and by the end of the show, when mikey says he wants to be maid of honour, even if that line in the media itself was intended to be a joke, no one in their family treats it like one. of course mikey is the maid of honour, he asked to be one! the only real offence taken is when april says bride's maid, to which he is offended because hes so much more important than that!

so from a story standpoint, this show doesnt have the intricate complexities and butting heads of latter iterations, there isnt much relationship growth to be had (in fact once we get to around season 5 the flanderization of the characters kind of begins and it loses some of the more complexities) but thats because its just not the focus of the story! the story is more about what they go through together, and thats fine! thats what our shows kind of were at the time. not saying there isnt any relationship growth, but its very much not the focus because these turtles? they already understand each other in a healthy way.

so to me, these guys are kind of the most wholesome family unit

[kn-1013]

Sal Headcannons

I've done headcannons and Larry and Travis, so now it's time for my Sal headcannons. CW for mentions of suicide.

His Jersey accent used to be a lot thicker, but faded over time as he lived in Nockfell. He still calls it 'wutter' instead of 'water' though, and Larry makes fun of him for it (S: Can I get some wutter? L: No, I can get you some water though).

Henry and Sal are pretty isolated from the rest of their family. Diane's family don't like Henry because they think he had something to do with Diane's death, and they've tried to influence Sal to believe that he did, but it didn't work. They aren't in contact with Henry's parents because quite frankly they're just awful people, and Henry hasn't spoken to them since Sal was very young.

Sal takes bugs outside with a cup and is unnerved by squishing them.

He can't drive because his depth perception has been pretty badly damaged from both losing one eye, and the mild brain damage he received after the shooting. He still feels comfortable enough to ride his bike most of the time, though.

Yeah, he got a bit of brain damage after the shooting, and experiences mild issues with balance, vertigo, depth perception, swallowing, occasionally with speech, and reading/reading comprehension.

He was born with a cleft lip and palette, and that coupled with the missing cheek and the brain damage makes it so that he has a mild speech impediment most noticeable with P's (they can sound more like B's), and S's (slight lisp), and he often slurs his speech slightly, especially when he's tired. He also has tendencies to skip over words when speaking, say them out of order, or conjoin words.

He has ADHD.

Despite his lack of a license, he has been driving a couple of times before, though it's usually because Larry convinced him to. Larry would drive his truck down to an isolated location and have Sal drive around for fun, and it was mostly just donuts because as soon as Sal learned how to do those, that was all he wanted to do.

After the shooting, Henry started drinking heavily and began neglecting his son's posttraumatic needs, and most other needs. He also got bullied for his face and his feminine nature very heavily, getting worse as he got older and the teens got meaner. His friends mostly defended him, but they could be just as mean at times, and it never really felt like he was a part of the group as much as he was their pet freak. This all caused Sal to become extremely bitter and mean for a long time, which comes as a surprise to his friends, having only known him as a very kind person.

He attempted suicide once, when he was around fifteen or sixteen, as a result of the mounting stress and mental health problems. This is what caused Henry to really wake up about his alcoholism, realizing that if he couldn't better, then he'll lose his son, too.

In the aftermath of this attempt, after having to deal with patronizing doctors for weeks, Sal managed to express his bitterness and hatred and anger properly for the first time in years by yelling at his father about it until he broke down. This was the beginning of their relationship beginning to heal. Still, Sal said a lot of things he regrets now during that breakdown. (S: If you took five minutes to stop pickling your frontal love in Miller Lite, you'd have enough brain cells left to realize what was going on with me a lot sooner.)

Sal hates doctors more than anything, having had some very negative experiences with them over the years. He finds them extremely patronizing and often feels gaslit after talking to one professionally, because they're often extremely homophobic to him, assuming that his gender non-conformity is somehow the result of an Ed Gein-like pathology. If they're not being homophobic, they see his face, his disabilities, and his psychiatric issues, and they start treating him like a toddler, (it gets worse in psychiatric hospitals).

With how I write him, Sal definitely has quite a bit of BPD, but with the original storyline, he wouldn't have gotten the chance to get diagnosed. In AUs, he probably gets diagnosed sometime in his early to mid twenties, as that's when his symptoms really become apparent as relationships in his life start getting more serious and his old coping mechanisms start becoming much more pathological.

I've given some of my weird bullshit to Travis (autism) and Ash (mystery, because I haven't made her post yet lol), so I've also been giving Sal some too: He has POTS, but Henry explained it to Sal as 'your mom's heart thing'. It started when he was around 14, and got progressively worse over the years, but he didn't know it was a problem until Lisa pointed out that he wasn't experiencing a normal fatigue when she took his blood pressure with her at-home monitor one time, and he displayed tachycardia and low blood pressure. He often wears compression gear underneath his clothes to help, and can often be seen drinking pickle juice, because it's cheaper than pedialyte.

Due to the everything that's wrong with him, he's very passionate about disability justice.

His favorite horror movie is Texas Chainsaw Massacre, because it was the first one he watched with Larry. To this day, he maintains that Bubba Sawyer did nothing wrong, that it was the fault of those stupid teenagers, and that the sequels take away what made the first movie so good by making them so over the top.

He watched Carrie once and it made him cry. In retrospect, it reminds him somewhat of Travis.

Considers Nightmare on Elm Street a kid's movie.

His favorite actor is Michael Berryman, as he is a successful and well-liked person with facial/body differences, and that makes him feel a bit more confident in himself.

Sal has a lot of gender-differences, but I don't know if he would ever label it officially. I do think he should try Estrogen though. It's a recreational drug, he'll like it.

With sexuality, I think Sal is bisexual. As far as types go, I think he's most into people with more dominant personalities than his; people who like to talk more, people who are very passionate, people who know what they want, people who can take the lead in a relationship because he's definitely too nervous for that, etc. I think Ash falls into this category, which is what draws him to her.

Larry also falls into this category as well, if we wanna talk Sal/Larry. He has more experience and stands on a more solid ground identity-wise than Sal does, which makes him a great rock and dominant character in the relationship.

Travis does not fall into this category, at least not at first, because he simply doesn't feel very comfortable with himself or in a relationship with another guy at first. Especially with Sal, I think this would probably be his, like, first or second relationship, so he's not very experienced at all, and has trouble knowing what he wants. But, this changes a lot as he grows into himself and eventually becomes the more dominant one of the relationship.

No matter what the end-goal ship is for the story i'm writing, I always picture Sal and Ash having dated for a bout a year or so during or after high school, then breaking up, usually either for Ash's college reasons, or general mutual reasons, such as Sal not being stable enough for a relationship mentally, or realizing they do better as friends.

Upon reflecting on the relationship, Ash describes dating Sal as more like dating a girl than a guy. All things considered, she holds Sal in high esteem as a partner, as he was very attentive to her needs and generally eager to communicate. Though, his biggest issue was that he could be cagey and didn't like it when she focused on him too much, due to his insecurities and fears around intimacy.

Sal has always been feminine and faggy, which is why it was somewhat of a surprise to Henry when it turned out he DID like girls, just in addition to boys. Not that that's a bad thing, he just wasn't expecting it.

Henry's parents are pretty homophobic, and instilled a lot of that into him, but a lot of that started changing when he had his own son, who seemed so pleased to wear fairy princess dresses that Henry couldn't bring himself to do to Sal what was done to him in the name of an increasingly arbitrary masculinity. He ended up having to argue with a lot of doctors to leave Sal's expression alone, because they kept claiming that it was some kind of pathological issue that needed to be fixed, and not just who he was. (H: The problem isn't that he's a fag, he's always been that way! The problem is that his mother was killed right in front of him, and his face was disfigured! Why don't you focus on that?)

This is getting a bit long now, lol. I'll need to make a part two at some point because I think about Sal way too much. It's very easy for me to write for him, because we have a lot of very similar experiences with 'random tragedies'. He's probably my favorite to write for, aside from Todd.

[amyintherapy]

Things I've Learned in 18 months of therapy

When people repeat the same patterns of behavior that are more negative than positive, it's usually trauma related. Examples: Your sister who has dated 15 different men who all are emotionally unavailable, short-fused guys who don't respect her. Or your aunt who has gotten into severe debt several times in her life, always buying items she doesn't need. Or your friend who has always befriended people who are not disabled but don't work and chronically need 'favors' so they end up allowing people to mooch off them to the point of it harming their own financial security. Basically anytime you find yourself frustrated and wondering 'why do they always DO that?" or "why don't they just do X instead? They always do Y which just makes things worse..." the answer likely is, they have trauma related to this issue, and/or their behavior is related to their trauma response that they are stuck in. Of course, this is true for you also! If you keep reacting to certain situations in a way you dislike, or going back to a coping method that you see as harmful and can't figure out why you can't stop...it's probably trauma related in some way.

Part of being traumatized involves your brain trying to hide the trauma from you..at least most of it, if not all of it. My therapist has used the example of a piece of paper that is standing upright. You might see the fine edge of the paper, so you sometimes know a piece of paper is in front of you, but you can only see the edge, so when that paper finally gets turned so that it's facing you and you can read everything written on it, it kinda knocks you over and you feel like you should have known all of that all along...after all, the paper was right there. But you couldn't read it before, and you didn't even know there was all that writing on it anyway so you didn't realize such a big piece of your puzzle was missing. In other cases, the paper may be more like...trapped in a book, so it was always there, but you had no idea it was as you thought it was just part of the book, not this hand-written note hidden inside. So anyway, it's very normal to feel shocked at how lacking in awareness you were about the full impact or detail of your trauma once you get on a roll with therapy. I always knew I had trauma, and I've always been a self-reflective person...so I thought I was self aware of my trauma. But I've been surprised at how much I was failing to see fully.

ADHD is stupidly named. Having ADHD doesn't mean you have a deficit of attention. It means you can't control (aka regulate) your attention the way most people can. Tons of people with ADHD would tell you that they feel like they have too much attention. They are interested in ALL the things which is why they struggle to keep their focus on one thing while blocking out everything else going on around them. The things you do that cause you problems, were things you originally did to protect yourself. For example, maybe your addiction started because you were reaching for emotional relief and had no other (healthier) way to make yourself feel better. Or maybe you shut down and isolate when you're hurt, because when you tried reaching out for support as a child it just made things worse because your caregiver was reactive instead of supportive. Endless examples, but people do things for a reason. Your coping methods have a logical cause of some kind or another, even if they do more harm than good now, that wasn't always the case. At one time, they helped you cope with or avoid some bigger pain or problem. Depression and anxiety are both forms of avoiding other feelings. Much of general society knows the concept that "anger is a secondary emotion" (which is only sometimes true, it's also a core emotion) but I didn't know this was true of anxiety and depression. They're always secondary emotions. However, it's important to differentiate between sadness and depression, and fear and depression. Fear and sadness/grief are core emotions, but anxiety and depression are secondary. The fact that I am detail-focused and couldn't be concise if my life depended on it, are both ADHD related for me. Social anxiety is usually attachment trauma aka an insecure attachment. Anxiety and depression are often caused by trauma. I wish I knew this earlier. I spent a lot of time thinking of my anxiety was simply genetic or sort of temperament based and therefore unlikely to be healed or fixed. I don't mean to suggest that genetics or temperment isn't some element but...I can't help but wonder how many people are like me and don't realize they could heal a lot of their anxiety or depression by doing trauma work. I'm definitely still an anxious person, but I've seen a really big improvement in my anxiety. More than I thought was possible two years ago. Most kids and teenagers are avoidant in therapy, so they don't usually see as much progress from the experience, at least compared to adults. It's often a rather slow process to see improvement. However, it's still really helpful in the longrun if they have a positive experience with therapy as a teen, they're likely to try again as an adult when they're really ready to face their issues. Online, I've seen child therapists outright say that their #1 goal with kids in therapy is to make them think of therapy positively so they'll come back to therapy when they're older! I saw some progress in therapy as a teen for sure, but the 4+ years of it resulted in roughly as much (if not less?) progress than I've seen in 18 months of therapy as an adult. Apparently that's quite common. Talking about trauma feels awful, and it often makes me leave trauma-related therapy appointments wondering if there is any point or if i'm just making myself sad. A "okay, I understand this issue I have now was caused by XYZ experience from my past...but wtf do I DO about it? I understand it now, but I still have no clue how to fix it?" type of feeling. This is the result of being too close to the current day to see the full picture. Over the course of time, the benefits and healing always become apparent to me.

People who get angry often are sort of the opposite of me. I default to feeling anxious when I "should" feel angry (like when someone is rude to me), and sometimes also when I 'should' be sad. Most people who experience chronic anger are simply people who are converting their fear and/or sadness into anger. It's sometimes the difference between being an internalize and an externalize. Anger is an external emotion, fear/anxiety is an internal one. So if you struggle to externalize, you'll convert anger to sadness or fear, and if you struggle to internalize you'll convert sadness and fear to anger.

My "small t" traumas - like emotional neglect, are at least as impactful as my "big T" trauma (sexual abuse) was.

Sensory issues are common in ADHD, not just autism even though the content online often makes it seem exclusive to ASD.

I am probably forgetting a lot, but if I don't publish this now I never will. So if I think of more later, I'll just add on. :)

[upslapmeal]

Notes from the Taskmaster 16x10 recording

The last two episode recordings I went to, I meant to make comprehensive notes when I got home afterwards that I would be able to look back at and post when the episode aired. I did not, in fact, end up doing that. So this time I was determined to have lots of notes, and made them on the go in the breaks in recording. However. They were made in a rush and I never went back through them to pad them out (you'd really think I would have learned by now). So instead of just having to rely on my memory, I ended up with an almost coded list of words and phrases that it's taken me pretty much 2 weeks to sit down and decipher lol. So with that said:

the pre-episode Greg-Alex entertainment was Greg getting Alex to sing a song about a recent news story to the tune of a song suggested by the audience - in this case it was Trump's lawsuit (the one in May 2023 since there are...a few) to the tune of Wuthering Heights

Alex really went for the whole live thing, and was constantly referring to it throughout the episode

when the contestants came onstage, I obviously first saw Sam in his bright colours and blond hair

we were right on the back balcony and my first impression from that distance was that he kinda looked like Jamie Laing lol

Greg made a passing comment about how he's been dressing in grey but I was completely taken by surprise when the vt rolled and he looked completely different!

I had assumed he'd actually buzzed his hair and didn't realise it was a wig until the ep aired

Sue made comments throughout the episode about how Sam looked like Dahmer

Lucy's prize task story, unsurprisingly, went on for ages and included a whole story about the holiday they went on that I tragically cannot remember

I was so glad they didn't cut 'untaffled' because I looked through my notes before again before watching the episode and couldn't for the life of me remember what she'd said

Greg's said that his immediate response to naked Alex in the prize task was that he was 'smooth like an eel'

After Julian's prize task there was a discussion about how people wanted to be buried, and at one point (I wish I could remember the conversation leading up to this) either Greg or Alex said they would be buried 'together forever in the Victoria monument'

There was a whole long debate about whether Sam intended to use nature as part of his doughnut task, and whether the bird toppling Ms Doughnut to her death should be counted

Greg told Sam to 'convince me to give you 3 points'

Sam went on talking about how amazing nature is and how we're all connected and at one point said 'consider the statistics.....3000' (I'm 99% sure this is what he said and I didn't just forget the rest of the quote)

Julian's exercise name was absolutely not a one-off, to the point they started running a 'cunt count' for the episode

Sue talked about how she had recently had an ADHD diagnosis, and that she kept viewing tasks holistically rather than paying attention to the details. This was specifically in relation to the exercise where she just did the same thing 4 times

I'm not sure if we saw the full extended version of Hotel Taskmaster, but we definitely saw a cut that included more than the aired version (though tbh I think they do that for most tasks and I just noticed this one bc we got the extended version)

We got an 'I put it to you' from Greg that Alex-as-Qrs looked genuinely cool

Lucy described Alex as having 'tight metallic buns' which Greg later referred to as his 'robot arse'

I cannot stress how much of a breakdown Susan had in the studio about the forks and marbles - you get a glimpse in the episode but that was nothing!

Susan also took AGES to do her throw in the live task - she kept on being about to throw before being interrupted, or saying her arms were too short, or that she needed a wee, or having a fit of giggles, and the longer it went the worse it got lol

Greg and Alex also had a go at it, and Sue wanted another go without the pressure. Greg and Sue got the ball in but Alex didn't

Don't ask me to remember the context, but at one point during the record, Greg told a story about someone he knew (whose name he said he would tell the others backstage) who would have sex in a cow mask and would demand 'LOOK AT ME!!!'. Anyway that was referred back to a few times in the ep

When Sam was given the trophy he just stood near-motionless with it for what felt like ages before we got to the hugs and everything

And now we enter the magical world of ~what on earth was this note referring to~ where I just hope someone else who was there (@politicalprocrastinator how's your memory?) sees this and can fill me in on what I've forgotten:

At some point around the prize / first task I wrote 'correct dog guess'. Whose dog? What was being guessed? Absolutely no idea

At some point there was a joke about the 'former Prime Minister', I think the idea being that by the time the episode aired we'd inevitably have a new PM? but I honestly can't remember

Someone called someone else submissive in a way notable enough for me to have written 'submissive' as a one-word bullet point, but not notable enough for me to actually remember

And now three bullet points which I will present in their original form:

Birthday

Bum hole in back

Get in bath

[writtenbymisunderstoodnerds]

Best day of my life (USWNT x ADHD reader)

Song: The one my heart beats for by Greg Steinfeld

This took longer than I expected and I got a bit carried away, but it's finally done!

I love this series, but I think it might be coming to an end. I'm open to doing one more part if you guys might want one, let me know and feel free to send me some ideas!

Warnings: Panic attack, self doubt

Part One, Two, Three, Four

Words: 7.3k

"What's got you so excited today?" Tierna asked sitting down next to me on the field. While I had tried to tone it down a bit, I was very hyperactive today. My hyperactivity was always worse when I was excited, there was pretty much nothing that could be done to stop it. Ally had to go back home for a month for work. We hadn't been apart for that long since her promotion so I was suffering. She was coming back today so it was safe to say I was extremely excited.  

"Take a guess."

"Something to do with your better half I'd say. Is she coming back today?"

I did a little wiggle before flopping back onto the grass, "Yup. A month is way too long to not be with her. Oh! It's also her birthday in a few days! I love her birthday because it's the one day I get to go all out spoiling her and she can't complain about it." 

"You two are adorable, I love how excited you get to see her. We should do a team dinner to celebrate Ally's birthday. Is the wedding planning all done?"

"You guys would really want to celebrate her birthday? Um also mostly, we just need to sort out wedding rings and honeymoon."

Tierna looked at me like I had just said the craziest thing ever, "You're marrying her, we see her almost as much as you and she is amazing. Y/n, Ally is family now, of course we want to celebrate her. What rings are you going to get?"

The problem was, I had no idea what my ring was going to be. I had been scouring the internet and countless jewelers for anything that might work, but I was drawing a blank. Rings were a sensory nightmare for me, I could wear them for a short time before they started driving me crazy. Ally had gotten me a few rings over the years, mostly fidget rings. She knew I liked them and wanted to try adjusting even though I always ended up wearing them on a chain. It was my wedding ring though, I wanted to be able to wear it normally, to show off that I was married.

"I don't know. I think Ally is going to use her engagement ring since she loves it so much. I really struggle with wearing rings so we were talking about getting me a fidget ring though a fancier one to fit as a wedding ring. That way I can play with it and hopefully it'll help me get used to it. Ally wouldn't care if I wore it on a chain, but I want to wear it like normal people do, I want to show off I'm married T."

"Hey, don't go comparing yourself to others okay? I think a fidget ring is a great idea and it's awesome you're trying to adjust even if it makes you uncomfortable. Just be patient with yourself and if all else fails, just get it tattooed."

"That's not a silly idea. Thanks T."

---

"Hey Y/n, wher-"

"Don't have time," I yelled running away from Emily. Ally had messaged saying she was downstairs. I was very excited to see her, but I also wasn't going to let her carry her bags up herself. Whenever we went anywhere, I carried her bags. Ally had messaged me when she was already in the lobby, so I was in a rush to beat her before she could come up. 

Before Ally had the chance to turn around I wrapped my arms around her waist and spun her around. She squealed, well at least the person I was currently spinning around squealed. As soon as I heard it, I realised it wasn't Ally. "Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I thought you were someone else."

The women laughed, before turning around to reveal Ally's younger sister. When you see her face on, they look nothing alike, but behind they look very similar, "Hi Y/n."

"Dani? What are you doing here? Where's Ally? I'm very confused."

"Ally's over there getting her key. I'm in town for a work conference so figured I'd come see Ally for her birthday." By this point, the coaches just automatically roomed me alone, but put down for two so Ally could stay with me. There had been a bit of push back when Ally first started traveling with me, though it was quickly realised that I played better when sharing a room with Ally.

After giving Dani a proper hug, I pulled away to go find Ally. There was no way I was going to repeat what just happened so instead I tapped Ally on the shoulder once she was clearly identified. "A warning would have been nice y'know, I just picked up and spun around your sister. Like I'm not complaining, I love your sister, but I love you more."

"I know, I saw and it was hilarious." I pouted. Ally giggled, pulling me into a hug and subtly kissing my neck. We didn't go out of our way to hide our relationship, but we were more careful in public. Things were easier without the public interfering, I also didn't want Ally to have to deal with the meanness of some of the fans. "I'm sorry my love. It was a last minute plan."

I pretended to think about it for a second before smirking, "Hmm I'll forgive you later when we're alone."

Ally blushed, but pulled me over to Dani without a word. I could only guess what was going through her mind. Dani had become like a sister to me pretty much as soon as we had met. So despite my initial embarrassment, I was actually really excited to see her. She was only a few months younger than me and much to Ally's dismay, she did match my energy most of the time. Ally loved that we got along, but it meant she had to deal with two crazy people. 

It was too early for dinner yet so Ally, Dani and I hung around in our room for a while catching up and talking about wedding stuff. Dani made me sit through the torture of looking at her possible dress choices. Ally loved it, but I would rather be doing anything else. Dani literally sat on me though, so there was no other option. 

Ally was taking too long to get ready so Dani and I decided to wait for her in the lobby. I had spent too much time sitting down and was feeling restless so I ran down the stairs while Dani walked behind me, complaining she wasn't an athlete and to slow down. I just flipped her off and ran faster, knowing full well that if Ally or Ali found out I would be in trouble.

Dani had decided to chase me after flipping her off. Some of the team were hanging around the lobby so I made a beeline to Ali and hid behind her, though Dani hadn't given up. I managed a few laps around Ali before she grabbed my shirt, allowing Dani to catch me. The team watched on as Dani tickled me, while I tried to fight her off. It wasn't an easy task given the full blown fits of laughter, but I managed to get her into a headlock. 

Eventually, Dani pulled out of my grip, doubling over in laughter while attempting to catch her breath. I followed suit, not realising how many eyes were currently on us. "Uh hey Y/n and mystery women who's not your fiancé."

My head shot up as I realised how strange this probably looked to them. "Right, this is Dani. Dani the team."

"Hello team."

"Where's Ally?" Ali asked, still looking very confused.

"She was taking too long to get ready as always so we left without her. We're always waiting on her, such a slowpoke." Dani answered, getting raised eye brows in response. A few of the team looked like they wanted to say something, but held back. It was then I realised I hadn't actually told them who Dani was.

"Dani is Ally's sister by the way. She's in town for work so we thought we'd go out for an early birthday dinner for Ally."

"Ohh that makes more sense. Nice to meet you Dani."

Ally caught my eye, looking stunning as always. I was really looking forward to having time alone with her. Not necessarily for inappropriate reasons, but to cuddle with her, the lazy make out sessions before we fell asleep or when we woke up and just being close to her. Dani flicked my ear, running out of my reach. Ali dodged me as I ran around her, moving to the safety of where Ally was standing, "Are they always like that?"

"Unfortunately. Dani matches Y/n's energy pretty much constantly so it's like having a hyperactive Y/n, times like 10 because they feed off each other. Dani is like the sister Y/n never had. They're happy, so I'm happy even though it's exhausting sometimes. I'll give them a few minutes to tire themselves out before stopping them, hopefully they'll sit through dinner."

"Good luck. The team and I were thinking we could go out for dinner to celebrate your birthday. Either on the day or a day around it. What do you think?"

"I would love that." Ally's smile caught my eye, distracting me from where I was going and making me run into Kristie. She stopped me from falling, but all my attention was still on Ally. It was one of her genuinely happy smiles, something that people wouldn't be able to tell apart from her regular smiles. This smile was more lopsided and toothy, the corner of her eyes crinkling just a bit more. Besides her love filled smile it was my favourite smile. Kristie and Dani followed my eye line when I didn't say anything for a while, "What are you looking at?"

"She's looking at Ally of course. She's in looooove."

"More than I ever thought possible," I mumbled, moving over to stand next to Ally. "I love you."

---

We had finished dinner a little while ago and had been walking around, but we all had to be up early so we dropped Dani at her hotel before starting the short walk back to ours. There weren't that many people around so my arm wrapped around Ally's shoulder, pulling her against me as we walked. "I love everyone and everything, but I'm really glad we're alone now. I missed you."

Ally kissed the spot under my ear, "I missed you too Y/n/n. Thankfully, I don't think I'll need to spend that much time away for a while."

"Good. Mmm I can't wait to cuddle."

"I believe you hinted at something earlier."

"Oh yeah, you giving me a massage to make up for not telling me about Dani."

Ally groaned, pushing me away, "You're such a tease."

I laughed, pulling Ally back into me, peppering her face with kisses, "I'm sorry."

"Nah," She pouted, walking away and into the hotel. I went to chase after her, but a group of fans outside the hotel called out to me. Interacting with fans was one of my favourite things to do so of course I went over. I knew she wasn't seriously mad or anything so it made me feel less bad about going over to them. Also, she was waiting just inside giving me reassuring smiles. Ten minutes and dozens of photos later, I made my way back into the hotel, following Ally into the elevator. 

My arms wrapped around her waist from behind, leaving light kisses across her neck. Sometimes, I felt bad that Ally had to deal with me being well known to the public. She never complained about it, instead keeping her distance and allowing me to interact as I wanted to. The guilt was hitting pretty hard right now though.

Once we were back in the room, Ally cupped my cheek, pulling me in for a slow, lingering kiss, "What's wrong?"

I shrugged, not meeting her eyes, "Nothing."

"Liar. You haven't said a word since you came inside, you got all soft and touchy suddenly so talk to me."

 "You're the best you know that? It can't be easy dating someone who's in the public eye all the time."

"You're feeling guilty again aren't you?" I just nodded, sitting on the edge of the bed. Ally straddled my legs, letting my head fall against her shoulder. "Y/n, I knew before we started dating that you were in the public eye and that once you got called up, it would only get worse. Maybe it's not always easy, but if I couldn't handle it, then I wouldn't have pursued you, let alone agreed to spend the rest of my life with you. You're respectful about it, you know the time and place to leave me to interact with them. Please don't feel guilty Y/n/n. Now, I know it's getting late, but I've really really missed you so what do you say we get reacquainted."

Once we were thoroughly reacquainted and cuddled up in bed for the night, I completed my nightly routine of scrolling the internet for my wedding ring. This time though I think I found the one. It was a simple black titanium fidget ring, engraved with shooting stars. They were subtle as they were black and flush with the surface. Ally absolutely loved stars so it would be a little reminder of her when we were apart. Another perk was there was the option to have the band width smaller which would be perfect.

I quickly rolled over toward Ally, making her look at me confused. "Baby I think I finally found my ring."

"Ooo show me." Ally grinned after seeing the photo, kissing my temple, "I love it. Stars because of me right?"

"You know me too well. A part of you for when you're not around."

"You're such a sap."

I cuddled against her side, leaning up to connect our lips, "Only for you Ally."

"Better be. Now we've got everything else sorted, we need to plan our honeymoon."

"Honestly, I don't even know where to start. There are so many options."

"Well, you've always talked about wanting to go back to New Zealand to explore the south island. Maybe we could do that? It'll be winter, but it'll be ski season."

"Wait really? That sounds amazing. It kinda fits, skiing was our first trip as a couple and it'll be our first trip as a married couple. I'll look into game schedules so we can book it."

---

Something anyone could tell you was that I was not in the slightest a morning person. I hated waking up early and would do everything to avoid it. That being said, there were three days in a year that I naturally woke up early for. They were Ally's birthday, our anniversary and since meeting Ally, Christmas. This morning I was awake at 7:30am because it was Ally's 27th birthday. It was too early to wake her up so I spent almost an hour enjoying cuddles before getting restless and sneaking out of bed to find breakfast for us. 

I peppered Ally's face with kisses. She groaned, shoving her face further against my chest, "Baby wake up it's your birthday!"

"Why does my birthday have to be one of the three days a year you turn into a morning person?" Ally groaned.

"Because I get to spoil you and you can't complain. Now I got you breakfast. I couldn't make it this year, but I found a cafe close by that had all your favourites so you gotta wake up."

Ally protested, but sat up anyway, taking the coffee with a sleepy smile. We ate breakfast in comfortable quite, some random show playing in the background. I just wanted to give her the presents I got, but I wanted her to enjoy her breakfast while it was warm so I waited impatiently. As soon as Ally finished eating, I pecked her lips before practically running to the cupboard where I had hidden them.

"Y/n, why did you get me so much? You know you don't have to."

"I don't have to, I want to so deal with it. Besides, it's only three things. You are an amazing, incredible women who deserves to be spoilt. I love you so much. Happy birthday my love."

"Thank you Y/n/n. I do appreciate it even though I don't like you buying me heaps of stuff. I love you."

"I know, now open them!"

In all honesty, I wanted to buy Ally much more than I actually did, but I knew she would feel really bad and not enjoy them as much. Instead I stuck with matching silver initial necklaces with a heart pendant, a star map of the night I proposed and a custom engraved keychain with a photo of me standing behind Ally, arms wrapped around her as she looked back at me with a huge grin. It was her favourite photo of us. These were all things that she had talked about wanting. Ally grinned, launching herself into my arms giggling. "You remembered. Thank you, I love them."

"You wanna know a secret?" Ally nodded quickly, "You know my memories shit so whenever you point something out that you want or talk about, I write it down in my phone notes so I remember."

"Really? You're so sweet Y/n/n. Put this on for me?"

I secured the necklace around her neck, leaving kisses across her neck and jaw before leaving a lingering kiss against her lips. "I have a whole day planned for you. Don't even ask because it's all a surprise."

We spent a while making out before moving to the shower and finally leaving the hotel. Ally went for a spa and massage session, while I went to get stuff required for a picnic lunch at the gardens. It was a little bit chilly, but Ally loved picnics so it was still perfect. We just used it as an excuse to cuddle the whole time. After the picnic, we walked around for a little bit before going to a board game cafe. They had a heap of board games you could play while you were there. While board games may not have been my thing, they were definitely Ally's and her birthday was all about things that she liked doing. That night, I took Ally to a restaurant where the team were waiting to surprise her. Of course we finished the night cuddled up in bed watching all of Ally's favourite movies. 

---

I felt multiple intense and overwhelming feelings as I read the text from an unknown number. 

Unknown: Hi Y/n, it's mum and dad. We're sorry it's been a while, but we've been thinking about you recently and wanted to check in, see how you're doing?

Unknown: We also heard you were getting married and wanted to say congratulations. We're sure he's lovely and can't wait to meet him. Maybe we can sort out a time before your wedding?

Anger, disgust, sadness, fear and many more emotions swirled around my head as all I could do was stare at the message. I didn't know how they had gotten my number, how they knew I was getting married or why they suddenly felt the need to reach out after years of no contact. There was nothing on my public social media about it and the only family I still talked to were a few cousins that had nothing to do with my parents. It was safe to say I was confused as hell and slightly scared at how they were getting information on me. They also knew I was gay, yet they still refused to acknowledge it, instead deciding to misgender my fiancé. 

I didn't know what to do, I didn't know how to process it. The familiar tightness in my chest returned as my breath caught in my throat. The tightness that I hadn't felt in so long. It felt like I was drowning, no matter how hard I tried I couldn't catch my breath. My phone fell to the floor, catching the attention of some of the girls. They were saying stuff that I couldn't comprehend as a hand landed on my shoulder. I knew they were trying to help, but it just sent more panic through me as I shrugged it off and stumbled back. 

Arms wrapped tightly around me from behind, calming me down enough to realise it was Ali. I wanted my Ally, but Ali was helping enough to breath a little easier despite still panicking. 

"You're okay, I've got you Y/n. Ally is coming, but I need you to take some deep breaths for me. Just follow my breathing."

The more I focused on mine and her breathing, the easier it became. I found myself relaxing against Ali. The tightness in my chest slowly disappearing. A few minutes later, hands cupped my face, familiar lips leaving soft kisses across my face before landing on my lips.

"Ally," I whimpered, pushing myself into her arms. 

"I've got you my love. Come on, let's go back to our room."

Ally didn't question what had happened straight away, instead she held me tightly as I curled into her side and cried. All the feelings and memories from growing up came rushing back. It had been years since I cried over them, I couldn't help feeling stupid. They didn't deserve my tears. 

A hand ran through my hair and down my back, effectively helping me to calm down enough to stop the tears, but left me a hiccupping mess, "What happened Y/n/n?"

I handed her my phone, never leaving the safety of her side, "Messages."

She was quiet for a few seconds before my phone was thrown back on the bed next to us and I was held tighter, "Oh hell no. Don't even give them the satisfaction of a reply, they don't deserve it and you don't need to deal with this. We can just block them and move past this."

"I know that's what I should do. I don't want anything to do with them, but how did they know I was getting married? We haven't posted anything publicly and we don't know anyone who has anything to do with them. They also shouldn't be able to message, I blocked them. It scares me."

"Okay, I'll text them back and ask then block them. You're not going to have anything to do with it."

"Thank you Ally. I feel like this is a huge step back. I thought I had accepted the situation and moved past it, but I obviously haven't."

"That's not true. It was unexpected, they put you through hell and this was a normal reaction. You've made so much progress, this doesn't take away from that. I know it might have taken you back to times you don't want to remember, but you'll move past it. We'll work through this together."

"I love you."

"I love you Y/n."

It didn't take long for my parents to reply. In all honesty, they were probably waiting by the phone. They were likely delusional enough to think that everything they did to me would be forgotten and I would welcome them back with open arms. Actually, they never understood what they put me through so in reality they just expected to act like the last 3 years never happened.

"So apparently my gran told her church group I was getting married, showing off photos and everything. Someone from the group recoganised you as the daughter of someone they know from a different group and told them you were getting married. As for your number, apparently they just got a new phone and tried your old number. I guess they got embarrassed that they didn't know so wanted to make themselves look better. I'm so sorry baby, I didn't know they were connected in anyway. I'll talk to gran about keeping stuff to herself."

"It's not your fault, it's such a random connection. I don't blame your grandma either, she's just excited that her granddaughter is getting married. We can talk to her about it tomorrow or something. Can you tell them I don't want anything to do with them, then tell them to fuck off, block them and delete the messages? I don't want any reminder of this."

"Of course. I think maybe we should change your number so this can't happen again."

"That's a tomorrow job as well. For now can we just have a bath then cuddle and watch movies? After you please let the girls know I'm okay."

"That sounds like heaven. Let me call my boss as well and let her know I'm done for the day."

"No, you should be working. I'll be fine."

"That's not happening. You're more important than work."

Ally slipped out of my grip to call her boss and run a bath before coming back. I pouted, lifting my arms up, "Carry me?"

"Baby, I would love to carry you, but you're the strong one. You know I would drop you."

She was right, I knew it from experience. Doesn't mean I didn't pout the whole time I was getting up, "Ugh fine."

"Don't pout. I can give you a massage instead."

---

None of the team had been told the details of what caused my panic attack a few days. I hadn't wanted to bring it up again. Surprisingly, after the initial panic attack, it hadn't effected me as much as I expected. There had been a few nightmares to begin with, but Ally had stopped me from bottling it up and actually made me deal with it. 

Ali gave me a quick hug before letting me into her room, "I know you probably don't want to talk about it, but you doing okay kiddo?"

"I think so. Ally's been a big help." Besides Ally, Ali was the person I trusted most, so I gave her a quick rundown on what had happened. Even if she tried not to show it, I knew she was worried.  

"Don't worry, even if they show up, they won't be getting in."

"Thanks Ali. I know I've asked a lot of you recently, but I have another favour to ask."

"You know I would do almost anything for you Y/n."

"Will you teach me how to dance? Ally wants to have a first dance, but I don't really know how. She knows and offered not to have one which I agreed to. I'm planning on surprising her though and want it to be perfect."

Ali smiled widely, "Of course I will. I really admire how much effort you're putting into this. I'm sure she'll love it either way because you tried."

Ali put some slow music on quietly in the back ground before standing in front of me, "There are two ways you can do it, either holding one of her hands as you more around or one persons arms around the waist while the others around the neck. Or you can do both depending what you're comfortable with."

Ali guided one of my hands so it was around her waist, hers looped around the back of my neck as she connected our spare hands, "Obviously you two will be closer, but you get the idea."

We moved around in small steps, swaying to the music as I focused on not stepping on her feet. It didn't work though as my foot connected with the top of hers, she flinched, but laughed it off. "It's okay, we'll keep practicing. You're doing great. If you step on her feet, just laugh it off and keep going. I'm pretty sure she won't mind because you're trying."

I stepped on her feet multiple times before managing to go a few minutes without stepping on her feet and we moved on. I was starting to relax by this point while also getting excited about dancing with Ally. Ali looped her arms loosely around my shoulders as mine went around her waist. We mostly just swayed this time as she gave me pointers on where I could rest my hands or head on Ally. "I want you to spin me."

"What? No I can't do that."

"Yes you can, when we do the first dance, move your hand up, spin me around then bring me back in either into the same dance or into the second one which ever feels more comfortable."

As I attempted to spin Ali around, I brought her back in too quickly and ended up head butting her. "Shit, I'm sorry. See I can't do the spin."

"Yes you can, we'll keep practicing. It'll feel easier with Ally because she's a bit shorter than you. Just bring me in slower."

It took a lot more head butting and tripping before I finally got the hang of it. Before we got the chance to practice the full thing properly, Ally's name flashed across my phone screen. I instantly remembered that we had dinner plans tonight and I was running late. 

"I have to go."

"You did good today. On the day you're going to be nervous both because you don't want to mess up in front of everyone and because you want to be good for Ally. So when you start getting nervous, just focus on Ally, let her guide you." 

"Thank you Ali. See you tomorrow."

---

I couldn't believe in just over three hours I would be married to the love of my life. I was excited beyond belief, but I was also incredibly nervous. What if I wasn't a good wife? What if Ally changed her mind and decided she didn't want to get married anymore? What if we didn't work as a married couple?

I knew it was just me overthinking. Ally and I worked well together. We loved each other deeply, we connected and understood each other, we had fun. Maybe it was cheesy, but we were made for each other. Not just because we met and connected instantly. We worked hard to get where we were, we worked hard to keep our relationship working despite our busy schedules, distance, and my issues with my ADHD. I tried to remember that as my thoughts went crazy, but it wasn't working. Ali was updating me on the set up and preparations, I couldn't focus on anything she was saying though. I was too busy overthinking.

"Y/n, Y/n!"

"Huh?"

"Are you okay?"

"I-I-I c-can't do this," I stammered, before running out of the house, Ali calling after me. I didn't stop until I found a hidden part of the beach where I slumped in the sand, tears falling down my cheeks. I don't know how long had passed when someone sat down behind me, arms wrapping around my waist and chin resting on my shoulder. Without even looking, I knew it was Ally, the softness of the way she held me and the smell of her hair gave it away. She didn't say anything for a while, just held me until the tears stopped.

Ally kissed my temple, hands drawing soothing patterns across my stomach. They weren't the soft touches most people find soothing, those touches made my sensory issues worse. There was a little bit more force behind it, making me relax against her. Sitting here with Ally, I realised that I was being stupid, there was no doubt that I was going to marry her today. Instead of being angry that I had ran away, she was here comforting me. "We can postpone if you don't want to do this, if you're having second thoughts about getting married. I understand, I know it was quick."

I quickly turned around, accidently knocking Ally over. "Shit sorry." I helped her so she was sitting again before kissing her softly, "No, no, we're not postponing. I want to marry you Ally, I'm going to marry you today, go to bed calling you my wife. I'm sorry I ran, I got stuck in my head, overthinking this, overthinking if I would even be a good wife, if you even still wanted to marry me, but didn't want to tell me and I freaked out."

"Baby, I want to marry you more than anything in this world, that hasn't changed and it won't ever change. You're are an amazing girlfriend Y/n, you're going to be an amazing wife. We're going to keep being the best couple there is and getting married is only going to strengthen that. I love you, I love you so much."

"I love you Ally. Can we stay here for a while?"

"We can stay here as long as you need. Ali's going to take care of the set up and everything. When you're ready we can go back and get ready for the first look."

I settled back between Ally's legs, back against her front as I watched the water, feeling more relaxed than I had all day, "I can't wait, you're going to look incredible."

"So are you Y/n/n."

Ally and I had decided to do the outfit reveals before the ceremony because I knew I wouldn't be able to control my emotions once I saw her. So here I was waiting anxiously for the love of my life to step around the corner. I was nervous about Ally's thoughts on my suit, but I was more anxious to finally see what Ally was wearing. Just as I was starting to get impatient, there she was. I froze, tears starting to fall instantly, I crouched down for a second, face buried in my hands to control the tears.

The sleeveless blue dress lined with lace, the black flats, her hair half up in a braid with the rest loose. She looked incredible, more breathtaking then I could have ever imagined. Ally stopped in front of me, small smile present with eyes shining with love and unshed tears. I took her hand, spinning her around so I could admire everything about her. Ally looked amazing on any given day, but today I was absolutely speechless.

"Y-y-yo-u-" I cut myself off, taking a deep breath to get myself together, "Y-you look breathtaking Ally, absolutely incredible. Holy shit."

Ally grinned, cupping my cheeks and connecting our lips. I heard protests about messing up Ally's make up, but I didn't care. Ally pulled away, this time being the one to take my hand and spin me around, she let out a long breath, making me slightly nervous, "Fuck you look stunning baby, my god you look incredible. I know it's probably out of your comfort zone, but you should definitely wear maroon more often, it is definitely your colour."

"I almost didn't choose it because it's not what I normally wear, but I decided to step out of my comfort zone for once."

Ally laced her fingers with mine, "I'm so proud of you love."

"Alright guys it's almost time to seal the deal so it's photo time," Alex interrupted as Ally was leaning in to kiss me. 

I groaned pulling away, "You couldn't have waited 2 seconds? We already had photos."

"And have you ruin her make up? No, you can do that after the photos. You had photos of your reveal, we want proper couple photos."

---

It was time. It was time to marry the love of my life. Of course I was nervous, incredibly so, but as the time came to walk down the aisle, most of my nerves were replaced with excitement. I was about to marry my person and there was nothing in this world I wanted more. We had decided I was going to go first, purely for the reason that I was dying to watch her walk down aisle. There was no better way to do that, then be standing at the end already.

We had gone pretty simple with decorations. The aisle was made out of various coloured petals, lined with rows of chairs and a wooden arch draped with white fabric at the end. String lights were strung around the trees, fence and patio. The chairs would later be replaced by outdoor furniture and bean bags. Long tables for food and the bar were set up, as well as a smore station for when the firepit was lit. We had made sure to hire a bartender to stop anyone getting out of control. 

Also, while we had hired a photographer, we also had a bunch of polaroid and disposable cameras for everyone to take their own photos. That way we had more intimate and fun memories. We had found a guest book that had mini envelopes and note cards so people could leave little messages if they chose to. The envelopes were the best idea knowing how inappropriate some of the team could be.  

Dance with me in the rain In the heart of Spain Let your hair fall down Curl around your face And sway with the tide Of the strangers passing us by

My arm linked with Ali's, her squeezing mine gently. Our friends and family lined the sides, huge smiles and some with tears in their eyes. My heart warmed knowing they were willing to be here, that they cared enough to make plans last minute to see us get married. 

Well let them watch What do we care There's no need to rush To come up for air As the world spins around us we dive In each other's eyes

No I don't want to go Can't seem to leave you alone For all that I am I wouldn't stand a chance This life on my own So love me now Love me forever Love me today and the days we're not together A moment this right is too hard to deny That you're the one The one my heart beats for

Land light on my feet To not make a peep Tip toe across the room So the floors don't creak As you're laying in bed Perfectly sound asleep I'll wake you with a kiss So you do not miss Your morning cup of coffee Pressed against your lips As the sun warms us up through the blinds We turn back the time

We stopped at the end, Ali kissing my cheek before walking back to her spot. I waited for a few seconds, trying not to fidget for once in my life. Every second that went by, made me want to walk back down grab her and drag her back because she was taking too long. Ally finally appeared, arm linked with her dad who had a huge, proud smile. There was a time in our relationship where I never thought he would be happy about us getting married. We had a rocky start, but now they were family. They had taken me in, treated me as if I was their own daughter. Between Ally, her family and the team, I had never been so loved.

No I don't want to go Can't seem to leave you alone For all that I am I wouldn't stand a chance This life on my own So love me now Love me forever Love me today and the days we're not together A moment this right is too hard to deny That you're the one The one my heart beats for No I don't want to go Can't seem to leave you alone For all that I am I wouldn't stand a chance This life on my own

They stopped in front of me, Ally's dad pulling her in for a hug and kiss on the cheek before moving to hug me, "You look amazing Y/n."

He moved back to his spot, while I took Ally's hands, kissing her cheek softly. We stood there, just looking at each other as the song came to an end. There was so much love shining in her eyes that it made my knees go weak. 

So love me now Love me forever Love me today and the days we're not together A moment this right is too hard to deny That you're the one A moment this right is too hard to deny That you're the one The one my heart beats for

We had chosen to have Sydney officiate our wedding just as she had with Ali and Ashlyn. It made the day feel just that little bit more personal. Once everyone was seated and quiet, Sydney started speaking.

"Thank you everyone for being here today to celebrate the marriage of our amazing Y/n and Ally. We all know Y/n gets antsy when she has to stand still for too long so we'll keep this as brief as possible. The relationship between Y/n and Ally is so full of love, life and friendship. It puts even the best of us to shame. With that being said, Y/n and Ally have chosen to write their own vows. Ally you're up."

"There are so many things I want to say to you, but we would be here all day if I did. So instead I'll start with thank you. Thank you for choosing me, for letting me in and trusting me with you and your heart. For trusting me enough to be your person and to show me who you are inside and out. With that, I vow to you that I will always tressure your love. I will always be by your side when you need me, I will always be there to hold you up when you need it and support you with everything I am. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with you. I love you now and I will love you forever."

"Okay, you'll have to bare with me because there's no doubt I'm going to cry." There were a few laughs as Ally squeezed my hand. "There was a time in my life when I never thought this would happen for me. Where I never thought I would find someone who loves and trusts me so unconditionally, who understands me so deeply and who makes me laugh uncontrollably. Then you came crashing into my life, flipping it upside down in the best way possible. 

"You are my world Ally, my everything. I am far from perfect, but I promise to always be open and honest even on days that aren't great, to always support you in everything you do, to make you smile and laugh even when you don't feel like it. I promise to hold you, cuddle you and kiss you every chance I get because I know how much you love it. Most importantly I promise to love you with everything I am everyday for the rest of our lives."

My voice cracked as I pulled her closer, cupping her cheek and kissing her forehead, "You are my partner in life and love. I love you beyond what words can describe, I love the person I have become with you and the life we have and will continue to build."

"Now the rings. Ally, do you take Y/n to be your wife?"

Ally smiled widely, "I do."

I slipped the ring on her finger before letting her take my hand, "Y/n, do you take Ally to be your wife?"

"I do."

Ally slipped the ring on my finger, kissing it after she did so. If even possible, my smile grew as I stopped myself from fidgeting with excitement. One final sentence and Ally would be my wife. 

"It is my pleasure to pronounce you wife and wife. You may now kiss the bride."

My arm wrapped around her waist, the other cupping her head as I dipped her, lips connecting in a long, passionate kiss. Everyone cheered and clapped as I threw my hands up, "We're married bitches!!"

---

"We would like to welcome the newlyweds to the floor for their first dance."

Ally looked confused, but let me take her hand and guide her to the dance floor. Just like Ali showed me, I wrapped my arm around her waist, pulling her against me and taking her hand in mine. Ally smiled, pecking my lips before resting her head on my shoulder as we moved around slowly. As we danced around, watched by our closest family and friends, I was the happiest I had ever been. To have so many people come to celebrate with us at last minute, I felt loved, possibly more than I ever had.

After a couple of minutes, I successfully spun Ally around, bringing her into me and connecting our lips. My head landed against Ally's shoulder, kissing the bare skin softly, "We're married Ally, we're actually married."

Ally giggled, kissing my temple, "Best day of my life so far. You learnt how to dance."

"You wanted to have a first dance so I got Ali to teach me. You make so many compromises for me, I wanted you to have this."

"This is how I know we'll be good married, you're so thoughtful and sweet, you go out of your comfort zone for me with out a second thought. I love you."

"I love you more my wife."

[compassionatereminders]

Hi! I wanted to answer the anon who was asking about what ADHD meds do & don’t help with as someone who was late-diagnosed and started meds this year. However, the effect of ADHD meds and even experience of ADHD itself varies heavily from person to person, so do keep that in mind!

DO:

- Actually hearing and retaining what people are saying. I was never able to fully experience a college lecture without panic because of only hearing bits and bobs of the lecture, going in one ear and out the other. I can truly focus and actually respond to what people are saying in a single line of thought without desperately trying to stimulate myself as much as possible to maybe get 1/2 of the detail to stick in my brain.

- Time blindness!! At first starting meds it felt like the day went for 500 years. I felt so much slower and mentally calmer, and I was able to complete “simple” tasks in under 15-20 minutes that could normally take me up to 3 hours due to distractions.

- Memory! Off my meds I have an enormously hard time remembering anything I’m trying to accomplish. I bounce from task to task without ever finishing it. On meds I’m able to think “I need to do laundry” and I just. Do the fucking laundry. It’s magical and I’ve cried more than once thinking about how much I’ve spent my life thinking I’m stupid or lazy for not being able to “just do the thing” like everyone else.

- Shutting down/fearful procrastination— I would be stuck doing nothing for days and days because I would want to do a task so badly but overly think about it and essentially paralyze myself in the decision making/getting started process. When I’m on my meds I can just do the fucking thing! Even if I don’t really feel like it! When before I practically had to have the exact perfect circumstance and could never create them, I can just plop myself somewhere and do the fucking thing. Just like I’ve been told all my life— “Even if you don’t want to, do it anyways” except now I have the actual ability to do that like everyone else. Before it was like everyone else was telling me to turn on a light, but I had no switch.

DON’T:

- Help with hyperfixation. Sometimes I can fixate even worse when I’m on my meds, just because my mind is so single stream that I’m able to do things for even more excessive periods. I burn myself out accidentally a lot quicker if I don’t provide myself with manual distractions to take breaks from daily/academic tasks.

- Immediately fix you. It was hard to start meds because I had to unlearn a lot of habits I had developed to cope with my undiagnosed ADHD— such as constantly moving, stimulating myself, having candy, etc. Just because the day became longer didn’t mean my time management became awesome either. I’m still working on tools that help ADHD with my meds!

- Not really a don’t but more so an unexpected side effect was becoming very intensely angry or upset when the medicine wears off. I struggle with emotional dysfunction already but the anger was so severe and I didn’t know that ADHD meds wearing off can cause that.

- Work 100% all of the time. Some days things like stress, poor sleep, poor diet, etc, can alter the way the same dose of meds works for you. Especially if you are nicotine dependent or a regular caffeine consumer, the way your meds work can change on a day by day basis. Some days I feel like the meds aren’t working at all, but more often than not there’s still a difference between myself being unmedicated and medicated.

- Instantly make you better at studying/task completion. Apparently having ADHD for years made me so extremely avoidant of many things that I just don’t have the skill set to do them well yet. Like studying, for example. I still struggle with extreme perfectionism that impedes me outside of ADHD paralysis.

- I’m gonna say it twice but they DONT FIX YOU ON THEIR OWN. Yes, they make your life fucking way better than before especially if you’re an adult with undiagnosed ADHD, but you have to learn how to use tools and learn skills to support yourself for the medication to help you to the max capability! I will definitely say that being on meds helped overhaul my mindset when I’m off meds and improved my perception of myself, but again, the meds can only get me so far!

I hope this helped anon!!!

Thank you for taking the time to share this! I hope anon sees it 💕

[olderthannetfic]

https://www.tumblr.com/olderthannetfic/750610823574061056/httpswwwtumblrcomfandomsandfeminism750274420?source=share

TL/DR: Needing something to function normally isn't automatically an addiction. If you weren't functioning normally before and/or the item in question isn't consuming your life, you're probably fine. But, don't be afraid to speak to an actual specialist if you're concerned.

For the record, what I'm about to say is not directed at the anon, they just sparked the thought in my head.

I think a lot of people don't understand the difference between needing something because it helps and needing something because of an addiction.

For example, nobody who is normal tells someone using a guide dog or prosthetic limb that they're "addicted" to them. Nobody. If they do say it, they have issues. People can look and see "Oh, this person needs this to function, it's not something people generally get for pleasure, so it is not an addiction". (They do acuse people of faking and harass them, but I'm talking about the "It's an addiction" claim specifically for the sake of this.)

People don't look at medication or anything else that's helping an "invisible" problem the same way. It's the "I can't see it, I haven't experienced it, therefore it doesn't exist" mindset that many people seem to naturally have. They assume bad faith of people immediately, and are rude about it.

I've dealt with addiction, and I avoided going on stimulant medication for my ADHD because of it. To keep a long story short, after complications from the non-stimulant medication put me in the ER, I ended up switching to stimulant medication.

It has been the best change in my life. And the "I need this" of a medication that fixes my brain is so different than the "I need this" I dealt with when addicted to things.

With the medication, I actively function better, I feel better, I don't think about it constantly, but I rarely skip taking it because it does help so much. I need it to function, but not to exist in general.

With addictions? It consumed my life. I couldn't function with or without it, I felt awful if I wasn't partaking, and I did it out of compulsion. It was "I need to do this or I'm going to explode" not "I do this because it makes me feel better/function".

Yes, many addictions can start with "I do this because I feel better doing it", but it is such a different feeling even at that stage. And it gets worse (usually gradually, but it can be a sudden change depending on the person).

People enjoy climaxing, that doesn't make everyone a sex addict. Same with food, porn, video games, etc. Yes, people can get addicted to/dependant on these things, but enjoying it isn't the same. Just as thoughts are not automatically the precursors to action.

And, for anyone who's curious how to tell the difference early on: Could you function normally before you had the item in question? If so, can you function normally now if you miss it for a day, week, etc.? Does it consume your thoughts when you're not partaking in it?

If you were functioning normally before and now you can't without it and/or it consumes your thoughts, see a specialist if you're concerned.

If you were not functioning normally before and it helps you function now, you can function if you miss it, and/or it doesn't consume your thoughts, you're probably fine. However, if you are concerned, speak to a specialist.

Oh, and don't take the word of internet strangers as gospel. Not even mine. I'm one person in a sea of many, and everyone's experiences are their own.

--

[lis-likes-fics]

Kiss Me Through the Phone

Pairings: Steve Harrington x Reader Word Count: 2.1k words Kink: Phone Sex Warnings: NSFW, phone sex, masturbation (m and f), dirty talk, daddy kink, praise... A/N: This is late, ik. I swear I'm working on it but that ADHD and everything is hitting HARD. I can't promise I'll catch up but I can promise that these will get finished so I won't leave you hanging. Enjoy this (late) fic though and I'll hopefully see you again with a new one tomorrow!

"Don't you think you should probably be getting to bed, babe?"

Steve raises a brow as he speaks into the receiver holding the phone to his ear as he awaits your response. You called him hours ago to talk while you did homework. The first half hour consisted of him teasing you because you still had homework to do while he graduated the year before. He kept calling you a "literal child", to which you replied, "Then I'm dating a pervert." He promptly shut up.

But now it's midnight, and you ditched the remainder of your homework a couple hours ago. It's late, and you technically have school in the morning. You aren't ready to hang up but Steve is always trying to take care of you, and this is one of those times when he's trying to enforce that—even though he'd rather die than hang up the phone.

"And, you know, I would but…" you trail off on the other end, trying to come up with an excuse and falling short as you shrug, "I just don't want to."

He rolls his eyes and laughs. "Go to bed."

"You can't make me."

"I'm going to."

"How? You're not even here."

"I'm going to drive to your house and make you."

"If you drove to my house, I'd convince you to do something much better than sleeping…" Steve can hear the smirk in your voice, and he thinks he's going to die if you keep using your charm on him like this. He's already horny enough all the time as it is, you don't need to make it worse with suggestive comments you can currently live up to.

"You drive me crazy," he answers truthfully.

He hears you giggle and smiles. "That's good. Keeps you on your toes."

He shakes his head and hears you shuffle around. When you curse under your breath, he hums. "What?"

"Nothin'. Got the cord wrapped around my hand and it tangled a little." A pause. "There."

"Yeah, well, you probably like that shit, don't you? Fuckin' weirdo."

You laugh quietly, trying not to disturb the rest of the people sleeping in your house. "Don't kink shame me!"

He raises his brows, "What if kink shaming is my kink?"

You hum, "It's not. You like to be called Daddy. Which is admittedly weirder."

He scoffs, ignoring the heat in his cheeks when you say it. "No, it's not."

You giggle again. "Yeah, it is. Daddy."

He licks his lips. "You think so? Baby?"

He hopes you'll say no because, otherwise, his "baby" makes him sound like a creep.

"No," you say, an angel. You miss his little relieved breath. "You wanna know what I like?"

"What do you like, baby?" he asks, less joking this time and more fond.

"I like your hands..." Your voice is quieter now, speaking in a secret whisper between the two of you in the cover of the night.

We're doing this, Steve thinks, excited.

"Yeah?" he murmurs. "Where do you like them?"

"Well… I've been wanting a new necklace. I think that'd work just fine," you smile shyly.

He can see it, kissing you all nice with his hand wrapped around your throat. His pants suddenly feel really tight.

"Where else would you like it?" he wonders.

"I dunno," you mutter, shy suddenly. Steve thinks you're weird. You're almost always the one to start something like this, and then you get shy and quiet when he plays along with you. He thinks you're cute.

"You don't know?"

"Mm-mm," you say.

He smiles, licking his bottom lip. "You know where I'd like it?"

"Hm?"

"On your thigh," he breaths. His hand moves to rest on his own thigh. He hears your breath hitch. "I'd love to feel your thighs. I miss 'em."

It takes a moment for you to respond again. "Where else would you put them?"

"Where else do you want me to put them?" he counters. He knows you don't like when he does that—or, you don't favor it. He knows how it makes you squirm, when he makes you tell him what you want. You're never good at telling him.

Your voice becomes really small, really shy. "I dunno."

"You dunno?" he asks, smiling. "Where do you want me to put my hands?"

Steve can imagine you on your bed with the phone pressed to your ear, playing with the cord as you try to come up with a response that isn't "I dunno".

"Just tell me. Don't worry about soundin' weird," he says.

You take a breath. "I want your hand…"

You trail off and he has to contain his laugh. "Where?" he asks again. "On your hands? On your tits? Inside of you?"

A pause. "All of the above?"

He does laugh this time, clutching the phone. "Where do you want me the most?"

You clear your throat a little. "Inside me."

"I want 'em inside you, too."

He hears you moan lightly, and now he has to undo his belt.

"Would you like that, baby? For me to put my fingers inside you? I'd have you squirming like crazy."

"Yeah," you whisper back. "What do you want me to do?"

"What do I want you to do?" he repeats, smiling. "You don't needa do anything. I'll take care of you."

You chuckle lightly. "Yeah, but… what do you want me to do? Do you want me to touch you or…?"

He feels like teasing you. "You mean, like, jerk me off? Or did you wanna use your mouth, dirty girl?" He can imagine you biting your lip, trying to hide your face away from him.

"Did you want that?" you murmur.

"Did you?" he counters.

You laugh a little. "Answer my fucking question, dummy."

He laughs as well, "Yeah, I do." His amusement dies down a little, returning to little secret words. "I really want it, but I wanna spread you open and eat you up more."

He hears you moan again. And then you moan again, and his interest is piqued, along with something else…

"Are you touching yourself?" he asks, a smile in his voice as he calls you out.

You get shy again. "Maybe a little."

"How much is a little?" You don't respond. You just moan again.

He's too hard to ignore it anymore. He unbuckles his tight jeans and takes himself out of his boxers. He brushes his thumb over his tip, red and weeping as he closes his eyes and sighs shallowly.

Your voice grabs his attention again. “Are you touchin’ yourself now?”

He chuckles lightly, too breathy to be subtle. “Can you blame me when you’re makin’ those pretty sounds in my ear?” He strokes himself slowly. “God, what I’d do to be there right now. I’m so in love with you.”

Your laugh comes out as a tiny whimper, your voice just as breathy as his as you thrust your fingers inside of your and sigh. “You’re too nice to me.”

“I’m not nice enough to you,” he disagrees. “You deserve the world, baby.”

“How about– Mmh– How about we just start with your voice in my ear, huh?” you mumble. “What would you do if you were here right now, Stevie?”

He makes you swear never to tell anyone but he loves that nickname. You only ever use it when you’re feeling really soft and shy, in the comfort of just his company when he’s being especially sweet and you’re a pile of mush. He wants you tucked under his arm, and he wants to kiss you stupid, but he has to settle for just a smile through the phone and a few words that don’t accurately describe how strongly he feels for you.

“If I were there right now, I would lay you on the bed and put your pretty thighs over my shoulder.” You shudder on a moan, presumably pushing your fingers deeper inside of yourself and curling. Steve keeps going. “I’d fucking devour you and then kiss you all over your body—which is just perfect, by the way—and then I’d fuck you dumb.”

You moan. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he breathes, taking his lotion from his drawer and smearing it in his hand. He strokes his cock a little faster, wrapping his fist around himself and squeezing as his head tips back and his lips part, a breathy moan slipping from them. “I’d fucking split you open on my cock.” He knows you love it when he says that. You always melt in his hands whenever he says things like this. “You’d be cryin’ f’me.”

You’re so lost in your mind, imagining him doing these things to you whilst thinking about his hands inside your pussy instead of your own. “Where would you put me?”

He’s happy to tell you. “We’d start out with you on top. I’d put you in my lap and let you ride me until your little legs got all weak and tired. Then I’d lay you down and fuck you with your legs around my neck. Have you screaming my name.”

Your voice is pitchier now, and he swears he can hear the faint sound of your pussy squelching with the rhythm of your insistent fingers. He pulses in his hand, his hips jerking up into his hand every so often as he grinds into his fist. He’s fucking his hand by now, so lost in thought that he can’t help but get a little carried away imagining his fist is your tight pussy.

“Which name?” you whimper. “Steve or Daddy?”

He verbally shudders. “Both.”

“Which one do you want the most?”

He chuckles darkly, aware of the way you turn his question around like he had done to you before. “Maybe you should call me Daddy.” He groans. “You’ve gotten a little out of line since we last did something like this…”

“Maybe I should, Daddy,” you reply back, immediately followed by a whine. He wants so badly to be there to watch you touch yourself, to watch you try to put your little fingers inside of you and hit all the spots he does. He can imagine so vividly you trying to replicate the way he makes you feel. "Need you to…remind me who I belong to."

He's so pent up as he listens to you. He can't help when a few stray groans make their way out of him. "You know who you belong to. You're mine, baby."

"'M yours," you moan, wet sounds reaching the phone and filling Steve's ears with sweet music as he fists himself faster. "I need you."

"Yeah?" he hums. "You need Daddy to fuck you nice and deep, baby?"

"Yes." A moan. "I miss you so much."

"I miss you, baby," he says, too fond and too affectionate and too far gone to fight his urge to get in his car and go to see you right now. But he would die before he left this call.

He's close, he can feel it creeping up on him as his hips jerk up into his hand. By the way you gasp and moan into the phone, he can tell you're reaching your breaking point as well.

"You gonna cum for me, babygirl?" Steve asks, listening closely.

"Yeah."

"You gonna cum all over those pretty fingers?"

"Yes."

"Fuck," he huffs. "Do it for me, baby. Cum for me."

He can hear you try to stay quiet, your muffled gasp as a deep breath fills your lung on a whimper. "Oh, fuck, Daddy!"

He curses under his breath, your little whimpers and whine as you cum and moan his name bringing him closer and closer until he can't hold it anymore.

His mouth falls open and his grunt melts into a rough whimper as he cums after you. He feels the warm, sticky release coat his chest. As his pleasure wanes and he feels like he can think straight again, he sighs deeply into the phone.

"Fuck." He hears you sigh heavily. "You okay, baby?"

A pause. And then.

"Yeah." You sigh, "Fuck, that's better."

He smiles. "Been thinking about it?"

"All day." Your voice is breathy, slurred together like you're going to pass out at any moment.

He runs a hand through his hair, "Well, when I see you tomorrow, we can reenact it." He grabs at the shirt he'd taken off a long time ago, wiping himself clean as he listens to your steady breath through the phone. "You want that?"

"Mmm," you agree.

He smiles fondly. "You still with me?" He can see you dozing off into your pillow, and he wishes he could feel your warmth against him.

"Mmm," you hum again.

He lowers his voice to accommodate for your sleepiness, "I'm gonna hang up, baby."

"Hmm-mm."

"I love you," he says, kissing into the phone and wishing he could kiss you.

"'ove you, t-mm," you mumble, barely coherent but trying for him.

He chuckles lightly. "Goodnight."

"Mmm."

Steve the Babysitter taglist: @samz31 @sparkletash @fandomgirl17 @marjoriea13 @param8re @anotherblackreader Stranger Things taglist: @activebliss @life-on-needs @killerqueen-ofwillowgreen @emmalee-01 @sw34ter-w34ther @hellfire1986baby @gublur @allofmari @redwineandnicotine @the-cryptid @katsukis1wife @chaoticcancer @papichulo120627 @emistrash Tag yourself here...

[anotherdayforchaosfay]

Medical stuff below the cut...

As many of my followers may be aware of, I've been dealing with a UTI for about six weeks now. I did a single round of antibiotics, but still deal with the symptoms. Difficulty urinating, frequent urination, and leaking. Wearing a (reusable) pad has been absolutely necessary. I take a cranberry supplement and drink cranberry juice daily, plus lots of water and tea, and go to the bathroom a lot. I was on Flomax for four days, but had an allergic reaction. It was helping with the symptoms, but fucking e up. Also did a round of Azzo's two-day treatment for UTI symptoms.

Someone came into my asks, requesting I not reply publically, with some helpful information. They said they're a doctor who specializes in treating chronic conditions related to the bladder and kidneys, and that they see what I'm dealing with very frequently. Except...it's the fullness of what I've been dealing with for a year: a side effect of my ADHD medication. Said side effect is constipation, which has been worsening. I use metamucil, benefiber, drink plenty of fluids, lots of fiber in my diet, and still I require a glycerin suppository any time I need to shit.

What I wasn't aware of is this can lead to another side effect, which is urinary retention disorder. Having a UTI started the issue, but the UTI could have been caused by a combination of stress and the constipation. The ADHD medication is making things significantly worse, and it's resulting in all the previous symptoms stated above.

My doctor never mentioned this as a possibility, and likely due to it not being a common side effect in those of us with a vagina. It's more common if you have a penis because the pressure from the bowels can fuck with the prostate, and that gets pushed into the urinary tract. It's not unheard of for folks with a vagina though, just uncommon.

They suggested I contact my doctor and ask for another round of a different UTI antibiotic, just in case there's still an infection. That infection will be resistant to the previous antibiotic. They also suggested I inquire about coming off the ADHD mediction for two to four weeks, to clear it out of my system so my body can clear things out, and follow up with a different medication later.

I've sent my PCP an email regarding this, that I want an antibiotic and to come off the ADHD medication. She incorporates hollistic medicine with her practice, and it's been wonderful, so I know she'll be more open about this than most doctors I've had to deal with. I've also informed my husband about this so he can prepare for me to revert to what I was like last year. One missed dose, which was a few days ago because he forgot to pick up my medication before the pharmacy closed, and I was back to what I was like before. It wasn't fun. It won't be fun this time around either. Yeah, I feel bad for him, but he's very understanding, especially with the lack of confidence and security the leaking has caused me.

Thank you, blog follower, for the info. I'm sharing it here so others may be made aware of the issue. Some of them may be dealing with the same exact issue, and the info here will help them as well.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for “forcing” my mother to do my homework?

I (15F) have always struggled in school, the most in math. The last few years of middle school were very dark times for me mental-health wise because of this. For high school, I decided to do online school, hoping it would help. I am less stressed than I was in middle school, and better decent grades in all my classes. However, there is a problem. I can not keep up with the math. It takes too long for me to get it, and crying is practically guaranteed. I can not keep up with my lessons. My mother tried to help me, but eventually it ended up with her basically cheating me through that class and doing everything for me. I never asked her to do the work for me, but I was falling so behind that her helping me on a quiz turned into her just doing it while I watched completely not understand, to her just doing them herself.

She is starting to take problem with doing the work, often yelling at me that I want her to be like my “slave” and that I just need to do it myself. This has been getting worse recently as I still behind in my other classes due to a lack of electricity weeks ahead. She also knows some of what math can do to my mental health. Which, I’m not going to go into details, but it’s pretty bad. I can get very depressed. Now she has been doing so much of the work that my knowledge is very, very far behind. It’s even harder for me to learn it now because I have so many more things to learn before I can even get to what the quizzes are on right now.

I am not diagnosed with anything, but I am starting to suspect I may have dyscalculia. Maybe even autism. My mother strongly disagrees with the dyscalculia, and although I haven’t told her yet, would most likely disagree that I have autism. Even if she did agree with me, I know she wouldn’t want me to get diagnosed. When I brought up possibly having ADHD to her she said that even if I did, it would look bad for my future if I was diagnosed. I also am required to take an in-person math test at the end of the year, which makes me very anxious for obvious reasons. I don’t know what to do. I am really in the wrong here, forcing her to take on my work?  

What are these acronyms?