#because im PROBABLY not it's just like
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#i think i might be demi and hypersexual#like demiromantic and demisexual#and also maybe hypersexual#what the shit why is posting this so scary#because im PROBABLY not it's just like#normal teenage boy libido#and it's not causing any obvious problems#but then again nothing has until i absolutely break because all i do is hide it#so#i dont fucking know#why am i writing this in the tags#i guess it's a little less scary in the tags
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seriously have been thinking about this all night long. call me autistic but the fact that 90% of workplaces the point is not to get your work done and then be done doing it but to instead perform an elaborate social dance in which you find something to do even when you're done doing everything you need to do in order to show your fellow workers that you, too, are Working . because you are at Work . disgusting why cant we all agree that if there is no work immediately to be done. we just dont do anything
#i personally like to not be doing things constantly at all times. it stresses me out#i know there are ppl who thrive on cosntant activity#but me i like to chill out.#and the problem then becomes that i only ACTIVELY remember to do work and Find More Work To Do when im stressed#at the thought that others might want to see me working#if im ever relaxed i just dont look for stuff to do#catch 22 of modern work culture which permeates even ostensibly noncapitalist structures like public libraries#for instance: will it really kill anybody if the books get shelved by me now after a very busy day?#or shelved tomorrow morning by. well probably me since i'll be the one at the desk#not in the slightest#but it was work that wasnt being immediately done by me. therefore it was incorrect behavior#that i failed to identify because my instinct is to relax when not immediately presented with a Situation#this got me labeled as 'having no initiative' by my dad from a very early age#and even as an adult i still feel like im a child with no initiative
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yuuji smiling and sukuna making a face like That did u really think i wouldn't do a panel redraw
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#yuji itadori#ryoumen sukuna#fanart#jjk fanart#jjk spoilers#jjk manga spoilers#jjk leaks#jjk 264#yuuji#sukuna#god sukuna's face is so priceless he rly does look like a cat at the vet#AND I MISSED HAPPY YUUJI i would read a compilation of every panel of smiling yuuji in a heartbeat#i also missed pink sukuna :') no context n u can almost pretend we r back in the good old days#anyway i debated adding text 2 this because to me it looks like Let's Take Ibuprofen Together#and since thats Sukuna's Thing (tm) i feel like theres a joke 2 b made there with yuuji saying it 2 him#but i decided against it smtimes simple is best#ok my hand is actually showing signs of overuse im done fr the day i PROMIS E FHFJSFJJ#it's just the meat of the palm pinky side and not the wrist so thats a good sign#ill probably b better tmr . no rest fr the wicked stay strong girl
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at some point it's just like. do they even fucking like the thing they're asking AI to make? "oh we'll just use AI for all the scripts" "we'll just use AI for art" "no worries AI can write this book" "oh, AI could easily design this"
like... it's so clear they've never stood in the middle of an art museum and felt like crying, looking at a piece that somehow cuts into your marrow even though the artist and you are separated by space and time. they've never looked at a poem - once, twice, three times - just because the words feel like a fired gun, something too-close, clanging behind your eyes. they've never gotten to the end of the movie and had to arrive, blinking, back into their body, laughing a little because they were holding their breath without realizing.
"oh AI can mimic style" "AI can mimic emotion" "AI can mimic you and your job is almost gone, kid."
... how do i explain to you - you can make AI that does a perfect job of imitating me. you could disseminate it through the entire world and make so much money, using my works and my ideas and my everything.
and i'd still keep writing.
i don't know there's a word for it. in high school, we become aware that the way we feel about our artform is a cliche - it's like breathing. over and over, artists all feel the same thing. "i write because i need to" and "my music is how i speak" and "i make art because it's either that or i stop existing." it is such a common experience, the violence and immediacy we mean behind it is like breathing to me - comes out like a useless understatement. it's a cliche because we all feel it, not because the experience isn't actually persistent. so many of us have this ... fluttering urgency behind our ribs.
i'm not doing it for the money. for a star on the ground in some city i've never visited. i am doing it because when i was seven i started taking notebooks with me on walks. i am doing it because in second grade i wrote a poem and stood up in front of my whole class to read it out while i shook with nerves. i am doing it because i spent high school scribbling all my feelings down. i am doing it for the 16 year old me and the 18 year old me and the today-me, how we can never put the pen down. you can take me down to a subatomic layer, eviscerate me - and never find the source of it; it is of me. when i was 19 i named this blog inkskinned because i was dramatic and lonely and it felt like the only thing that was actually permanently-true about me was that this is what is inside of me, that the words come up over everything, coat everything, bloom their little twilight arias into every nook and corner and alley
"we're gonna replace you". that is okay. you think that i am writing to fill a space. that someone said JOB OPENING: Writer Needed, and i wrote to answer. you think one raindrop replaces another, and i think they're both just falling. you think art has a place, that is simply arrives on walls when it is needed, that is only ever on demand, perfect, easily requested. you see "audience spending" and "marketability" and "multi-line merch opportunity"
and i see a kid drowning. i am writing to make her a boat. i am writing because what used to be a river raft has long become a fully-rigged ship. i am writing because you can fucking rip this out of my cold dead clammy hands and i will still come back as a ghost and i will still be penning poems about it.
it isn't even love. the word we use the most i think is "passion". devotion, obsession, necessity. my favorite little fact about the magic of artists - "abracadabra" means i create as i speak. we make because it sluices out of us. because we look down and our hands are somehow already busy. because it was the first thing we knew and it is our backbone and heartbreak and everything. because we have given up well-paying jobs and a "real life" and the approval of our parents. we create because - the cliche again. it's like breathing. we create because we must.
you create because you're greedy.
#every time someones like ''AI will replace u" im like. u will have to fucking KILL ME#there is no replacement here bc i am not filling a position. i am just writing#and the writing is what i need to be doing#writeblr#this probably doesn't make sense bc its sooo frustrating i rarely speak it the way i want to#edited for the typo wrote it and then was late to a meeting lol#i love u people who mention my typos genuinely bc i don't always catch them!!!! :) it is doing me a genuine favor!!!#my friend says i should tell you ''thank you beta editors'' but i don't know what that means#i made her promise it isn't a wolf fanfiction thing. so if it IS a wolf thing she is DEAD to me (just kidding i love her)#hey PS PS PS ??? if ur reading this thinking what it's saying is ''i am financially capable of losing this'' ur reading it wrong#i write for free. i always have. i have worked 5-7 jobs at once to make ends meet.#i did not grow up with access or money. i did not grow up with connections or like some kind of excuse#i grew up and worked my fucking ASS OFF. and i STILL!!! wrote!!! on the side!!! because i didn't know how not to!!!#i do not write for money!!!! i write because i fuckken NEED TO#i could be in the fucking desert i could be in the fuckken tundra i could be in total darkness#and i would still be writing pretentious angsty poetry about it#im not in any way saying it's a good thing. i'm not in any way implying that they're NOT tryna kill us#i'm saying. you could take away our jobs and we could go hungry and we could suffer#and from that suffering (if i know us) we'd still fuckin make art.#i would LOVE to be able to make money doing this! i never have been able to. but i don't NEED to. i will find a way to make my life work#even if it means being miserable#but i will not give up this thing. for the whole world.
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The scarest thing about Nandor being actually smart in all things Guillermo is that this is the reason why he'll never make the move to be with him:
Nandor already knows how he feels about Guillermo.
He's not even repressing it. He's just made peace with it. Because Guillermo was never an option.
Guillermo is human. He'll choose to stay human. He's fleeting. He'll always leave in some form or fashion. Nandor doesn’t choose to act on his feelings for Guillermo for the same reason why he never turned him. It would just be a curse.
#wwdits#what we do in the shadows#nandermo#no srsly#the competence Nandor expressed this episode was off the charts#not that he's not a big dummy at heart#just that i think this is another unreliable narrative thing#we like to go “Guillermo's right there u idiot”#at Nandor#which is valid#but now im thinking that Nandor already knows probably even before the docu-crew showed up#we just all assumed he didnt consider Guillermo because hes an idiot#but hes probably already went thru the 5 stages grief over knowing Guillermo would never be with him for all eternity#and at some point hes going to have to let him go
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still i think the one of the more fun differences drawn between illario and lucanis that was lost would be illario's ability to endear himself to others but serious lack of empathy, vs. lucanis' (self perceived) inability to be charming but how much he cares. it's interesting that the game has gone with the "lucanis' ability vs illario's lack thereof" because i think illario being the dellamorte 'best in show dog' vs. lucanis' attack dog would have made me so unwell.
lucanis is... awkward. he's not unlikable, because he is usually very polite, but he doesn't speak much and only seems to care about the other dellamortes. he once sent viago de riva a knife with no note (who knows what he could have meant by this). he does what caterina asks of him, and by his own admission, cannot say no to her. he is a dramatic and prolific killer, and that makes how untouchable he is even worse.
and the crows like illario, sure, AND he's a good assassin! he's even a good crow! he's so good that he can make lucanis smile, and so he is the charming, sociable one. he's the one that stays in treviso and can be relied upon to care, illario's even the one people prefer over caterina and lucanis!
but illario is decoration. he's the prize poodle, and even if poodles were bred to be working dogs, nobody will ever pick him to protect the house over the german shepherd that regularly mauls intruders. anyways the analogy is getting away from me. the point i'm trying to make is that i want illario to have a different kind of jealousy/hatred that's not just over 'being bad at killing' but also an arrogant loathing for everyone around him that is getting harder to hide, because they've forgotten he can bite and is just itching to rip someone's jugular out. illario is very good at hiding his family resemblance to caterina, while lucanis suffers under his grandmother's, and his own, reputation.
#not helped that these ideas are probably fostered by caterina. she doesnt WANT lucanis to have FRIENDS she wants him to KILL THINGS lol#and her perceiving illario as someone who wants but wont rise against her would have been interesting#so she allows his charm and friendliness etc. because she wants him to ingratiate the house to other houses#she doesnt want him out the picture. she NEEDS him there to make people like lucanis. illario just isnt content with that#i will shut up about this. i promise.#like i wont. but im trying#lucanis dellamorte#illario dellamorte#and also i want illario to have a little more manipulative asshole going on he's not believable enough in game omg#i think the main issue i have is that lucanis should have . maybe. been a bit less agreeable. SORRY#but it would have been fun to see crow-like defensiveness slowly break away to reveal a caring polite and kind man#or at least a slow understanding of lucanis-language. like he said 'i dont care' but he meant 'i dont mind'#raised by a grieving and also repressed old italian woman will do this to you#thoo. i was pleasantly surprised at how sweet he was in the game to start but i think parallel wise this could have been fun is all#veilguard spoilers#dragon age#and also really sorry that this was brought upon by someone calling him a pursedog man in tags#which was very funny for 5 minutes and then i was like actually i can do something with this
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“Take my hand” a comic for NaruMitsu Week 2023
day 1 - lies & secrets - 2 - 3 - 4
#nmweek23#narumitsu#wrightworth#phoenix wright#miles edgeworth#probably more accurate to say this is mnm? or nmn or whatever lol#so treat the ship name lightly and dont get mad when miles [redacted redacted redacted redacted] yknow?#i wouldnt spoil it wheres the fun in that ¬‿¬#fan art#fan comic#aa#rendevok#this is like. vaguely aa5 and on because i couldnt be assed to play those games yet#love their waistcoats tho YUM#also future warning i still suck at writing so if this is ooc! i’m sorry idk what im doing but i sure am doing it bb#i’ll update this post with links to the others as i post them! you’re in for about 30 pages so ♡ ♡ ♡ hope you have an appetite for sweets#(i say as if i didnt just post angst) IT WAS THE PROMPTS. THE PROMPTS MADE ME DO IT
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now why would you hide these in the tags..
also thinking maybe reader is newcomer too, maybe on vacation. everyone knows not to mess with price, say things about it never ending well.
but reader pays them no mind, thinking that their overreacting. of course, they aren’t, and reader is forced to check out of their hotel and into their new forever home with price <3.
and he's your first experience with an alpha, too. like sheltered reader, surrounded by betas your whole, stumbling onto John Price, of all people. but of course you're curious. you've never met an alpha before outside of the ones in your school - all the same age, the same hormonal shifts at the same pace; it's just not the same, is it?
and despite the tug between you, he can see where this going when you start batting your eyes at him, and softening under the burn of his glare. you're not going to like it. you'd never be able to handle him. and he tries to tell you this. warn you away. find a beta, a smaller, younger alpha. he doesn't care - just stay the hell away from him.
but you've been doted on your whole life and English Burt Reynolds isn't going to be the first man to tell you no.
so you push. prod. dig a little deeper. lay it on thick until his presence, a novice in your life, triggers the first stirrings of a real heat. forced proximity. freak storm. one bed. he breaks before dawn, but before you can even start to feel triumph, the reality of getting fucked by an older, more experienced alpha rears.
maybe you realise this when he pulls his fat, angry looking cock out, and barks at you to get back on the bed because he hasn't even started yet, and if you wanna strut around town, aching for his knot, well. he'll give it to you.
problem is: he's too big. too rough. you've been treating yourself like fine silk, something precious, and what he gives you (after growling at your pussy that he can't wait to break her in) is nothing at all like you were expecting. and this idea of a heat making you malleable, soft and ready, falls to pieces when you remember that anatomy isn't magic and no amount of fever in your blood will ever soothe the ache of him eating you up like a man starved.
but hey. you got the big, surly alpha in the end, didn't you? guess no one taught you the meaning of a pyrrhic victory.
#fucked knotted and claimed THAT night#id also probably lean away from the standard abo and make it like just a malicious fever that makes your body hot and docile#because i just LOVE the idea of Price getting pissed off when you can't take his knot#just bullying it into you until you pass out#waking up a bit later splayed out over his chest with your whole body aching#and him grumbling about how Laswell isnt gonna shut up about this when she finds out#captain john price x reader#john price x reader#Dunno!!! im in a very big reader gets bullied mood lol
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you open my Super Important Documents and its just pictures of charles xavier
#xmen#mcu#xmen movies#xmen first class#charles xavier#professor x#snap sketches#todays schedule has been ruined by my ever occurring need to practice drawing movie charles its horrendous#i started this sheet last night but then i kept adding to it and i keep wanting to add to it but i MUST stop myself#in an ideal world i get paid to draw charles xavier and erik lehnsherr but no i live in this baka society#sleepless charles WAS inspired by me starting this at 1AM and forcing myself to sleep at 4AM#and then here i am picking i up still later .... i need professional help i fear but i aint got time for that#NEVERTHELESS I THINK IT GOT IT NOW. I THINK IM OK. i think i know how i wanna go bout drawing him now ...#chat can i confess that like. .5% of the reason i barely draw FC charles i because of his hair#for some reason some demonic entity prevents me from drawing it easily i am in STRUGGLE CITY#the only thing that gets me is that whenever i draw him i can only think of the likes of a disney prince but man thems the strokes ig#i also drew a quick dark phoenix charles but i figured id just keep this first class oriented#anything else i want to say ? uh. hm. its funny i never do any of these sheets for erik#genuinely On My Life made One (1) sheet and was like 'no yeah i got it. i got it down'#literally not my fault his head is So Shaped and defined but anyways. this aint about him.#i mean it could be. i still wanna do a doodle page concentrated on drawing how his powers show#more specifically how do i wanna draw the glow cause i cant decide on it ... also i wanna draw the 'levels' ...#but thats for another time. for right now i should probably eat i havent eaten all day#bye bye !!!!!! here's to hoping i draw something thats not a doodle sheet one of these days
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I love the college of winterhold. everyone there is casually deranged and there's like an alarming number of students and staff who threaten you immediately when they meet you. it's always one of the first questlines I do. which makes it even funnier when you get made the arch-mage of the college. I'm level 12 and got through this questline knowing exactly 3 spells. what do you mean you want me to lead the college. this school CANNOT be an accredited institution
#i ask if anyone wants this job and everyone starts whistling and checking their phones#their magic phones. theyre scrolls#mia.txt#tes#skyrim#oh no wait i forgot j'zargo wants the position & actively tries to kill you (these are separate events but still probably not unrelated)#and nirya's gunning for it too. you know what maybe its a good thing im the archmage because im never there and don't do anything#i drop in every few weeks for 10 minutes then leave. the place pretty much runs itself right#reddit says “they have a bullying problem” yeah i know i married him#and he's the new boss' special little princess and he can do whatever he wants forever. call the police about it#dont bring your piddly ass problems to the archmage shes busy girlbossing (committing widescale atrocities)#(yes i know this is just how tamrielic mage guilds are but i just think its funny bc everyone fucking hates them specifically#like the rest of the town despises them and allegedly the nords have a special disdain for magic so its kind of funny that they make no#attempt to like. be more normal to gain the locals' trust#and you know what? good for them. fuck them nords)#ulothir#<- mentioned in the tags lmfao
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Doodles :)
I think the Graham de Vanilys should have some cats and ferrets, Félix seems like a ferret liker <3 The doodles on the last image are old ones i never got aroun to posting, mostly consisting of the aged up designs i have 4 feligami
#Miraculous is eating at my brain again who wouldve guessed (me)#its always eating at my brain tbh tho#Adrien Agreste#Felix Graham de Vanily#Nathalie Sancoeur#Amelie Graham de Vanily#amenath#Kagami Tsurugi#Feligami#the names for the cats r based off a Felix ai I had a couple chats with#Do i just like giving characters im attached to cats because I have cats? yeah. probably. it brings me joy <3#my art#miraculous tales of ladybug and chat noir#miraculous adventures of ladybug and chat noir#miraculous ladybug#ml representation spoilers#ml representation#I am an its Amelie not Emilie believer btw#ALSO Felix would love Shad ow the Hedg ehog
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I rewatched Sonic Twitter Takeover 7 recently and been thinking a lot about this question (this is only part of the answer given) because I had a little epiphany about it.
Obviously these aren’t really ”””canon”””. The lore revelations to be had in these takeovers aren’t supposed to prove any major theories, BUT I like to look at the takeovers as a general guide for how the characters are meant to be perceived at the time of their release.
I remember people reacting to both this takeover and takeover 6 (sonic frontiers) a bit poorly because of how Amy’s feelings for Sonic were downplayed. Given the recent stuff with the Gens remaster, too, this still feels particularly relevant.
Amy’s romantic feelings for Sonic have been downplayed—there’s no denying that—but I don’t think they’re being erased. With the exception of that one clip from takeover 6 (where Amy says she loves Sonic, Tails teases her about it, and Amy backpedals, saying she said “like,” not “love”—very Boom! Amy, btw), Amy’s feelings have still been on prominent display.
However, two things have changed:
1) Amy’s love has matured,
And, more importantly, in my book—
2) Sonic’s response has matured.
In the above clip, Amy states emphatically that Sonic is “her’s” and that she loves him and that he’s perfect, but kind of stumbles over herself once she realizes what she says. Important to note is that she doesn’t take it back at all, meaning that she meant what she said, but probably would have said it differently if she had given it foresight, given the setting they’re in.
This reads to me like Amy is still very confident in her feelings but is making a conscious effort to be less pushy about it—perhaps for Sonic’s sake. However, sometimes it just gets away from her because her love is just so plentiful. It’s cute!
And what makes it even cuter for me is that Sonic is, just, like, totally okay with this?
What does he do when she goofed up and gets flustered about it? He laughs! Short and sweet. He’s very aware of her affection, and he doesn’t mind it at ALL. He loves when he can get reactions out of her (directly or not). It’s in this same takeover that Sonic rags on strawberry shortcake (Amy’s favourite cake flavour) again—specifically to tease her—and he laughs the exact same way, there, too!
(It’s also implied, there, that Sonic gets Amy to chase him, so he seeks out the game just as much as she does.)
Sonic’s response can still read as distinctly neutral on a romantic level, for those who’d prefer that, but objectively it’s a lot more overtly positive. There is no denying that he enjoys her attention.
So, it’s a rebrand. For sure. But I actually find this to be a lot more wholesome? Zainey Amy™️ (when written well and not over-the-top for comedy like in certain games) absolutely has its appeal and deserves its place in canon, but the idea of Amy literally being unable to contain her love for Sonic and her compliments bubbling over is very cute to me. I also find it more powerful and significant because she’s finding her words to express her love instead of just reacting. It’s more thoughtful and reads as more genuine, as a result.
It’s different, but in my opinion, not bad! She’s not boring. She’s still giddy, passionate, loving, and more compassionate than she’s ever been. And Sonic is more accepting (enticed, even) as a result.
#Amy’s fine guys I swear#sonic still loves her I swear#they’re cute!! they’re cute#sonic’s little giggle towards her makes me melt#‘like certain games’ im sorry but there’s no justifying battle or rush it’s just impossible#they went too far#SA2 and Heroes Amy are misunderstood. those are meant to be haha silly and not serious#don’t even get me started on 06 because she probably picked the shortest straw in terms of fandom perception#you can’t tell me battle and heroes are in the same camp of BAD you just can’t#sonic the hedgehog#sth#sonamy#amy rose#sonic#sonic twitter takeover#sonic twitter takeover 6#sonic twitter takeover 7#ask sonic
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aro/ace themed valentine's day teddy bears ^^ because i just recently found out i might be arospec but also just cuz like..... why not
#this may be out of character for me because just a few weeks ago i strongly disliked valentine's day lmao#now that i know im probably some kinda flavor of aro? i.. dunno how to feel#how i feel about the holiday is complicated#while i still dont like the romantic aspect of it.. at least i dont find myself rolling my eyes at valentine's themed stuff as much anymore#idk maybe i'll go back to disliking the holiday next year who knows lol#i guess its just the catharsis i suppose..#aromantic#asexual#aroace#aspec#arospec#lgbtq#valentine's day#valentine's#teddy bear#digital art#art#toby draws things
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how to successfully report and remove your stolen fic on c.ai:
aka don't use fics for c.ai bots... a story of a c.ai creator who fucked around & found out:
for any other author who gets their shit stolen by ai bots on c.ai this is what you need to do:
create an c.ai account
submit a support ticket
choose DMCA & Counter Notice as the issue
under "additional information" you must provide the following: — a description of your fic that is being infringed (where you published it, date, where you post, under what names, etc) — a description of the bot that is infringing your work (include name of bot, what parts it is infringing and author's name at minimum). — a statement that you are the copyright holder have not authorized use of your property/fic in this manner nor given it to the author of the bot.
you will have to give your contact info including your full legal name, address and telephone number
provide the link to your original work (where you published it first) and the link to the bot.
Attachments (up to 5 allowed): — IMPORTANT: make sure at least one of these attachments is an electronic signature using your full legal name. i used this site to get one for free (i attached both signed and typed). — the other attachments I used to show proof of my fic vs their bot and the exact word for word similarities. and also when they blatantly said they were reuploading the bot on their profile which is likely why c.ai banned the rest of their bots.
extra tips:
if your ticket submission is successful you will get an email with a ticket number.
c.ai is pretty responsive (1-2 business days) so i would give it that long before submitting a new ticket.
you must submit EVERYTHING as I have wrote it or they will ask you to resubmit an entirely new ticket. following up with missing info did not work.
if the bot gets reuploaded you still have to submit an entirely new ticket (make sure to save and reference your old ticket number in new ticket).
everything i wrote here can be found under their tos in the DMCA section
hope this helps others authors. feel free to inbox or msg with any questions.
#•𐦍 𝓀𝒾𝓏𝓏𝒶𝓉тαℓк#she had like 15 gojo bots#also i didnt even report all her gojo bots#i just reported otaku!gojo#(you can only DMCA report if you are the copyright holder)#TWICE btw because she reuploaded it after it was banned the first time#(but im pretty sure the vampire gojo one was a stolen fanfic too i just didnt know by who)#im pretty sure since they are all gojo bots c.ai thought she stole them all#lmfao probably were tired of my ass sending in so many tickets and was like if this bitch stole one fic for gojo she probably stole them al#lol notice she bought premium too at one point#premium aint gonna help u if you stealin shit hoe#note: im not anti-ai at all. im anti stealing ppl shit#c.ai has no way of contacting creators so would have reached out to her first if i could have :/#oh well#fan fiction#fan fic writers#stolen fics#plagerism#authors#fic writing#writing community#writers
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you have to go to work so you can pay for your doctor, who is not taking your insurance right now, and if you say i can't afford the doctor's you are told - get a better job. it is very sad that you are unwell, yes, but maybe you should have thought about that before not having a better job.
(where is the better job? who is giving out these better jobs? you are sick, you are hurting - how the hell are you supposed to be well enough for this better job?)
but you go to the doctor because you had the nerve to be hurt or sick or whatever else. and they tell you that it is because you have anxiety. you try your best. you are a self-advocate. you've done the reading (which sometimes pisses them off worse, honestly). you say it is actually adding to my anxiety, it is effecting my quality of life. so they say that you are fat. they say that all young people have this happen to them, isn't it a medical marvel! they say that you should eat more vegetables. they say that you probably just need to lose a little more weight, and that you are faking it for attention.
(what attention could this doctor possibly give? what validation? that's their fucking job, isn't it?)
there is always a hypochondriac, right. someone always tells you about a hypochondriac. or someone who is unnecessarily aggressive during the worst days of their life. or someone looking "for a quick fix". or some idiot who wasn't educated about how to properly care for themselves who just abandons their treatment. and again, the hypochondriac, the overly-cautious hysteric. these people don't deserve to be treated like humans (right), and since you might be one of these people, you also don't get treated like a human. because those people can really fuck with the system, you now have to pay for it. and besides. you're actually probably faking it.
(more often than not, you find a 2:1 ratio of these stories. for every "hypochondriac", there are 2 people who knew something was wrong, and yet nobody could fucking find it. the story often ends with pointless suffering. the story often ends with and now it's too late, and it's going to kill me.)
you are actually just making excuses. someone else got that procedure or that diagnosis and he's fine, you should be fine too. someone else said they watched a documentary about other inspirational people with your exact same condition, maybe you should be inspirational, too. you're just too morbid. your pain and your experience is probably just not statistically concerning. it is all self-reported anyway, and you're just being a baby.
(once, while sitting down in the middle of making coffee, you had the sudden, horrible thought - i could kill myself to make the pain stop. you had to call your best friend after that. had to pet your dog. had to cry about it in the shower. you won't, but that moment - god, fuck. the pain just goes on and on.)
you know someone who went in for routine surgery and said i still feel everything. they told her to just relax. it took her kicking and screaming before they figured out she wasn't lying - the anesthetic drip hadn't been working. you know someone who went in for severe migraines who was told drink water and lose weight. you know someone who was actively bleeding out and throwing up in the ER and was told you're just having a bad period.
in the ER there are always these little posters saying things like "don't wait! get checked today!" and you think about how often you do wait. how often the days spool out. you once waited a full week before seeing the doctor for what you thought was a sprained wrist. it had actually been broken - they had to rebreak it to set it.
but you go into the doctor. the problem you're having is immediate. the person behind the counter frowns and says we're not taking your insurance. you will be paying for this out-of-pocket.
they send you home with tylenol and a little health packet about weight loss or anxiety or attention deficit. on the front it has your birthday and diagnosis. you think about crying, and the words swim. it might as well say go fuck yourself. it might as well say you're a fucking idiot. it might as well say light your money on fire and lie down in it. and the entire fucking time - the problem persists.
it's okay. it's okay, it's just another thing, you think. it's just another thing i have to learn to live with.
#spilled ink#warm up#can you tell what i'm mad about today specifically#i will say that there are a LOT of things that go into this. like a lot. this is ungendered and unspecific for a reason#it isn't just sexism. it's also racism. and ableism. and honestly classism.#and before a healthcare professional reads this as a personal attack: i understand ur burnt out#we are ALSO burnt out. your situation is also dire. this is not an attack on you.#this is a commentary on the incredible amounts of bigotry that lie at the heart of capitalism#where people have to pay money out of pocket to be told to fuck off.#your job is important. so is our humanity. and if you cannot accept that people are fucking mad as hell#at the industry - you are probably not listening .#anyway at some point im gonna write a piece about sexism specifically in medical shit#but i don't want terfs clowning in it bc they can't understand nuance#> it is true that ppl w/a uterus are more likely to experience medical malpractice & dismissal globally#> it is also true that trans people experience an equally fucked up and bad time in the medical field#> great news! the medical industrial complex is an equal opportunity life ruiner :)#(if you find it necessary to go into a debate about biology while discussing medical malpractice#i want to warn you that you're misunderstanding the issue. because guess what.#cis MEN might experience this. particularly black men. particularly disabled men.#so YES having a uterus can lead to more trouble for you. but this happens a LOT.#instead of fighting those ALSO experiencing your pain.... try working WITH them.#which btw. is like. actual feminism.)
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"why, I had no part in that. you've always been this way!"
just a little something from @morningstarwrites fanfiction "of saints and sinners" which i'm obsessed with
#im so crazily art blocked right now#but it's at least osas day so thats a win#someone wrote under my last fanart for this fic that my art peaked their interest in it and they went and read the whole fic??#that made me so SO happy#i fear lucifer looks way too annoyed in this one here#but i feel like after a certain point i was just drawing my own facial expression because im so frustrated help#at least alastor is happy#idk its 5am here and i should probably sleep#does any of this make sense#hazbin hotel#hazbin hotel fanart#radioapple#lucifer morningstar#alastor#my art
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