#because if i cant make progress

[xerospaced]

I've been tryna get myself out of burnout for years and it just isn't happening

The most I manage is a few days of somewhat energy and motivation where I can get the minimum done and then I'm back to everything dragging.

And typically the come down is a lower dip.

Meltdowns are becoming more frequent

Overwhelm is so easy reached

I "relax" or exist in neutrality but even the slightest point of friction or overstimulation is a significant drain.

It's been well over three years now

At some point I'd managed to convince myself the burnout was over. I keep telling myself that I'm right on the cusp of salvation.

A few more steps and I'll be moving and I'll keep moving

But it's not happening

I'm at a loss and I have no idea what to do to get out of this.

It's one thing to adjust mindset and recognise what needs to be done.

But there's no forcing tolerance

I can't rationalise my way out of being so easily overwhelmed by stimuli.

I can't will myself out of sensory vulnerability.

Emotionally and ratinally, I can do well enough to find my way to that "can do" belief

My practically...

I know that where I am isn't helping

The constant disruptions

The strangers in and out on a damn near daily basis for months on end

In my personal space no less

The immeasurable stimuli I am bombarded with the moment I step out of my room

The constant discomfort when tending to necessities

And I can't get out of this situation because in order to do that I need to be able to overcome, or at least succeed despite, my burnout

But my vulnerability and overwhelm is only increased and sustained by living in this circumstance

And even if I did manage to get to the point where I could fund my way back into a better situation again

The amount of money I lost last time I did so...

Fucking. Staggering.

I cannot rationalist doing it again.

The strain I put on myself. The dedicated work I did to improve my life in every possible way. All lost. And all I've got to show for it is burnout and more debt than I had before I started.

A slight improvement in maternal relationship.

But otherwise nothing better for it.

I won't do it again.

I need longevity.

Presently, I am in a state of existence where I am just stable enough to be but still entirely intolerant of any potential overwhelm or discomfort.

The pressure to succeed and improve is only building.

Age is looming. Time is flying.

And no amount of self-talk or convincing seems enough to draw me out of exhaustion and fragility.

I know what I ultimately need. But I don't know what I need to get there. Because there is very little support. And little understanding. And it is entirely on me to figure out and execute my way into better circumstances. There is no one to turn to in any way that could actually aid me.

I just feel incredibly... alone.

And for the first time im realising that I really don't want to be.

Neurodivergence has only gotten harder with age. I need a support system more than ever. I have only ever had myself. I believed that was all I needed. But I know now that I literally cannot do life alone.

I just have no choice.

And the only way to get to a point where I don't have to do it alone. Is to find a way to do it solo until I'm at a position where someone wants to move through life with me.

I feel stuck. Not hopeless just... incapable.

And I know there is so much potential in me. And I still believe I will tap into it.

I just don't know how.

But I think I have to be prepared to suffer.

I have been trying to be kind to self. And not push myself into dangerous territory so I might manage this burnout and find a way out.

But I think I'm gonna have to do the opposite.

Be prepared to destroy myself so I can create better circumstances despite my vulnerability.

And then just hope that once my circumstances are improved that there is enough of me left to find its way back to bloom after the fact.

I've tried the gentle approach. It's not moving me forward consistently or efficiently enough.

I'm gonna have to break.

Meltdowns will be frequent. Tolerance will be low. Isolation will increase.

So long as I can keep myself away from intentional harm. So long as I make room enough for gentle things and try my best to refill my cup...

I have no choice but to welcome overwhelm. Welcome breakdowns. Work through meltdowns. And accept that I am going to fall apart. Have a horrific time. Be miserable. And endure detriment.

So I can drag myself to something better.

I can worry about minimising harm when I'm there.

Until then, I gotta be ok with not being ok.

[fatedroses]

And some days, I just wish you wouldn't look at me at all.

[hballegro]

ONCE MORE UNTO THE BREACH DEAR FRIENDS, ONCE MORE

prequel

i still have to do BJ's neck [jaw is finished, neck is not. Hawk's neck is tho], and finish the mustache, plus some fine touching to make everything Perfect [bjs forehead, hawk's lips, etc] but. other than that i am DONE with these old heads. fabric is so much easier than faces so im not even stressin abt it. my wrist. it aches.

im FREE no more HAIR except BLURRY STUFF SO NOT LOTS OF DEFINITION

bonus; the end of the journey

[lollytea]

Huntlow situationship gives me such intense brain termites you don't get it

[star-ocean-peahen]

i am. so tired.

[shokupanda]

me when time moves forward at a steady pace: how the fuck is it more than halfway through july already. this fuckers rapidly sprinting when im not looking huh

[ghostlyheart]

All of Nadja's outfits in the WWDITS premiere (5.1 + 5.2)

[icewindandboringhorror]

boy in silly sitting positions compilation

[camthecatchameleon]

So i realized. Something about the Edge of Midnight and Once Upon a Witchlight color schemes and it's been plaguing my mind for a bit.

Once Upon a Witchlight has lots of bright, saturated colors. It's generally a more lighthearted campaign that has some not-so-lighthearted undertones that get progressively more prevalent as plot progresses. Kind of like a brightly colored animal or plant being poisonous. You (hypothetically) consume the creature (the media) and reap the consequences. (Though in this case the consequences are pretty cool.)

Edge of Midnight has lots of colors as well, but they're all heavily desaturated. The campaign is a horror story upfront and The Horrors tm progressively get worse. Like a fading painting, or a diseased plant. All of the comedic moments are there to break up the devastation. This land has already been reaped, and we're watching the aftermath, the rebirth, one might say (EVIL SMILE).

IS THIS????? IS THIS ON PURPOSE I FEEL LIKE I MIGHT BE CRAZY

[puppyeared]

i am playing professor layton and the curious village on my ds. very fun!!!

I don't know if i'm very far in because most of the time spent in that game was me being confused and bad at puzzles. it's fun though.

!!! im glad to hear youre enjoying it!! its one of my fav titles and honestly such an underrated series, id love it if more ppl gave it a try!

the puzzles can be difficult but very rewarding!! i used to dread them as a kid but now i find them nice and challenging. the math ones are still hard, but if u speak to Flick at the cafe he'll give you chess puzzles which i think were my favorite ^_^

[kargaroc]

going through the jade shadows tag reveals a lot of people that should go and talk to a woman in real life

[tamagotchikgs]

cancelling my therapy appointment for this month (on the 4th) because i really just dont have it in me to hav to walk in there and tell her about how much a failure i am & have been since we last talked n sit in her judgement & scolding for an hour straight

[stellawolfearts]

Stop being scared just draw.

do it scared, do it angry, just draw.

[nichtimhandelerhaeltlich]

I'm probably exhausted and should go to bed but my sleepy brain came up with something I need to share

Lance had never known how to love someone normally.

Everytime he fell in love with someone, he felt unbearable, strong urge to rip out their heart, crawl inside of them and curl up in their chest and give them what ever they needed. Hoping his love was enough to sustain them. Hoping they wouldn't abandoned him as soon as someone better, someone shinier came along, leaving Lance blood soaked, trying his hardest to fix the mess he had made.

He had never known how to love a person without giving them his everything and more. He didn't exactly do 'casual'.

So why on god's green earth did he agree to a Friend with benefits situation with Logan?

[ispyspookymansion]

i need to make a zine about navigating the (professional) world as a trasmasc dyke so bad i feel like i could chew all my fingers off

[mostlymaudlin]

re news literacy on social media: i find that the best way to follow fast-moving news these days is to follow beat reporters from multiple outlets (especially people who are either local to or reporting from wherever the news is happening). they may not get everything right every time because people are inherently imperfect, but that's why you can't rely just on one source. and good reporters admit when they've been wrong. reporters will also RT non-journalist sources that they trust, and then you can add them to your list too. i left the journalism industry bc i didnt like keeping my opinions to myself lol. but even when i was working in local news, this is how i'd keep up with things outside my own beat.

i would never discount eye witness accounts of people affected by violence and tragedy, but this is a way you can corroborate claims you see on people's personal accounts -- because unfortunately, people like to troll or push agendas when emotions are high. at least reporters can't delete their accounts and disappear after they spread disinformation; they have to deal with the consequences. and yeah, sometimes their org protects them from more concrete consequences, but you'll still see people cooking them in the replies, and that'll help you to make your call. because at the end of the day, there's never going to be one place you can go to fully understand something -- you need to make a good faith effort to seek out information and make the best call you can. and if you make a call and form an opinion and everyone tells you you're wrong? don't be an asshole about it. own it and try again. both unconscious biases and fucking up are part of allyship and the only way to move on is to accept the consequences and do better.

personally, i'll never reblog or retweet something if i don't feel confident in it. there's amplifying voices, and then there's spreading disinformation. i am not going to break news that will help the people of Palestine on my fandom social media account by reposting something that i can't tell is real or not. but i sure as hell could clog up the feed and warp people's perceptions of real events by reposting something fake and potentially harmful.