#because if i cant make progress

[xerospaced]

I've been tryna get myself out of burnout for years and it just isn't happening

The most I manage is a few days of somewhat energy and motivation where I can get the minimum done and then I'm back to everything dragging.

And typically the come down is a lower dip.

Meltdowns are becoming more frequent

Overwhelm is so easy reached

I "relax" or exist in neutrality but even the slightest point of friction or overstimulation is a significant drain.

It's been well over three years now

At some point I'd managed to convince myself the burnout was over. I keep telling myself that I'm right on the cusp of salvation.

A few more steps and I'll be moving and I'll keep moving

But it's not happening

I'm at a loss and I have no idea what to do to get out of this.

It's one thing to adjust mindset and recognise what needs to be done.

But there's no forcing tolerance

I can't rationalise my way out of being so easily overwhelmed by stimuli.

I can't will myself out of sensory vulnerability.

Emotionally and ratinally, I can do well enough to find my way to that "can do" belief

My practically...

I know that where I am isn't helping

The constant disruptions

The strangers in and out on a damn near daily basis for months on end

In my personal space no less

The immeasurable stimuli I am bombarded with the moment I step out of my room

The constant discomfort when tending to necessities

And I can't get out of this situation because in order to do that I need to be able to overcome, or at least succeed despite, my burnout

But my vulnerability and overwhelm is only increased and sustained by living in this circumstance

And even if I did manage to get to the point where I could fund my way back into a better situation again

The amount of money I lost last time I did so...

Fucking. Staggering.

I cannot rationalist doing it again.

The strain I put on myself. The dedicated work I did to improve my life in every possible way. All lost. And all I've got to show for it is burnout and more debt than I had before I started.

A slight improvement in maternal relationship.

But otherwise nothing better for it.

I won't do it again.

I need longevity.

Presently, I am in a state of existence where I am just stable enough to be but still entirely intolerant of any potential overwhelm or discomfort.

The pressure to succeed and improve is only building.

Age is looming. Time is flying.

And no amount of self-talk or convincing seems enough to draw me out of exhaustion and fragility.

I know what I ultimately need. But I don't know what I need to get there. Because there is very little support. And little understanding. And it is entirely on me to figure out and execute my way into better circumstances. There is no one to turn to in any way that could actually aid me.

I just feel incredibly... alone.

And for the first time im realising that I really don't want to be.

Neurodivergence has only gotten harder with age. I need a support system more than ever. I have only ever had myself. I believed that was all I needed. But I know now that I literally cannot do life alone.

I just have no choice.

And the only way to get to a point where I don't have to do it alone. Is to find a way to do it solo until I'm at a position where someone wants to move through life with me.

I feel stuck. Not hopeless just... incapable.

And I know there is so much potential in me. And I still believe I will tap into it.

I just don't know how.

But I think I have to be prepared to suffer.

I have been trying to be kind to self. And not push myself into dangerous territory so I might manage this burnout and find a way out.

But I think I'm gonna have to do the opposite.

Be prepared to destroy myself so I can create better circumstances despite my vulnerability.

And then just hope that once my circumstances are improved that there is enough of me left to find its way back to bloom after the fact.

I've tried the gentle approach. It's not moving me forward consistently or efficiently enough.

I'm gonna have to break.

Meltdowns will be frequent. Tolerance will be low. Isolation will increase.

So long as I can keep myself away from intentional harm. So long as I make room enough for gentle things and try my best to refill my cup...

I have no choice but to welcome overwhelm. Welcome breakdowns. Work through meltdowns. And accept that I am going to fall apart. Have a horrific time. Be miserable. And endure detriment.

So I can drag myself to something better.

I can worry about minimising harm when I'm there.

Until then, I gotta be ok with not being ok.

[fatedroses]

And some days, I just wish you wouldn't look at me at all.

[resurrectionist3]

“…In You I Taste God...”

Mr. Reed x young fem!reader

✒️ - 12/09/2024

📜 - TBD

[WORK IN PROGRESS]

A young student at a prestigious university is eager to return to Vermont in time to deliver her presentation for the Theology department’s annual conference.

However, after an unforeseen series of events, (y/n) finds herself stranded in Colorado during a snowstorm in the house of a rather curious and eccentric Mr. Reed.

As the storm rages outside, the odd pair find that they may have more in common than they first thought.

✧─── ⋆⋅ ♱ ⋅⋆ ───✧

“To quote.. if there is a God.. then he is either not all powerful, or not all good.”

“Hm. Epicurus?”

“Well.. yes, but.. I was thinking Neil deGrasse Tyson”

IM SO EXCITED IM FINALLY WRITING A FAN FICTION!!!

I genuinely haven’t sat myself down to WRITE FAN FICTION in years, and I’m so excited to finish this one!! This will also probably be my first published fan fiction; I’ve written a lot of them on my own, but never really shared them publicly until now - this is so exciting for me!

I can’t really guarantee it will be very good.. nor can I promise when it will be out, but I’m aiming for sometime this week! I have a feeling it will be a two parter, but lemme cook and we’ll see!

The title is based on song lyrics from Ava Adore by The Smashing Pumpkins, I added it above if anyone is curious (it’s a very good song). I love The Smashing Pumpkins, and I’ve loved this song for years! I’ve always wanted to base a fanfic off of it, but I kind of can’t believe I’m finally doing it for Mr. Reed. It’s one of my ultimate yearning songs - you must understand that this is a big deal for me!

✧─── ⋆⋅ ♱ ⋅⋆ ───✧

I feel like i need to thank @incorporealbombchelle for being such an excellent writer of this freak - i dont think i would have been so inspired if not for them!

[llannasvsp]

Kai wanting to be the Green Ninja because he can't stand seeing Lloyd go through all that pain >>> Kai wanting to be the Green Ninja for the power.

[hballegro]

ONCE MORE UNTO THE BREACH DEAR FRIENDS, ONCE MORE

prequel

i still have to do BJ's neck [jaw is finished, neck is not. Hawk's neck is tho], and finish the mustache, plus some fine touching to make everything Perfect [bjs forehead, hawk's lips, etc] but. other than that i am DONE with these old heads. fabric is so much easier than faces so im not even stressin abt it. my wrist. it aches.

im FREE no more HAIR except BLURRY STUFF SO NOT LOTS OF DEFINITION

bonus; the end of the journey

[lollytea]

Huntlow situationship gives me such intense brain termites you don't get it

[moomeecore]

"is this a plant or a weed" im going to pull all the hair out of your head

[star-ocean-peahen]

i am. so tired.

[shokupanda]

me when time moves forward at a steady pace: how the fuck is it more than halfway through july already. this fuckers rapidly sprinting when im not looking huh

[icewindandboringhorror]

boy in silly sitting positions compilation

[camthecatchameleon]

So i realized. Something about the Edge of Midnight and Once Upon a Witchlight color schemes and it's been plaguing my mind for a bit.

Once Upon a Witchlight has lots of bright, saturated colors. It's generally a more lighthearted campaign that has some not-so-lighthearted undertones that get progressively more prevalent as plot progresses. Kind of like a brightly colored animal or plant being poisonous. You (hypothetically) consume the creature (the media) and reap the consequences. (Though in this case the consequences are pretty cool.)

Edge of Midnight has lots of colors as well, but they're all heavily desaturated. The campaign is a horror story upfront and The Horrors tm progressively get worse. Like a fading painting, or a diseased plant. All of the comedic moments are there to break up the devastation. This land has already been reaped, and we're watching the aftermath, the rebirth, one might say (EVIL SMILE).

IS THIS????? IS THIS ON PURPOSE I FEEL LIKE I MIGHT BE CRAZY

[natjennie]

BROOOOOOO I worked so hard for that loop because the game made it seem special, I helped everyone I spoke to all the people in the village I read all the wish craft books I checked everything in every room I made the bomb I got the earring I did EVERYTHING to make sure it was the perfect loop to move forward on and the head housemaiden was like. lol idk why it's broken why did you think I would know. that was dumb of you. rewind time.

[puppppppppy]

i am playing professor layton and the curious village on my ds. very fun!!!

I don't know if i'm very far in because most of the time spent in that game was me being confused and bad at puzzles. it's fun though.

!!! im glad to hear youre enjoying it!! its one of my fav titles and honestly such an underrated series, id love it if more ppl gave it a try!

the puzzles can be difficult but very rewarding!! i used to dread them as a kid but now i find them nice and challenging. the math ones are still hard, but if u speak to Flick at the cafe he'll give you chess puzzles which i think were my favorite ^_^

[stellawolfearts]

Stop being scared just draw.

do it scared, do it angry, just draw.

[axelaxolotll]

tw venting in tags

[briefcasejuice]

i don't have a continuous/relentless internal monologue in the way people usually describe it but i am always thinking about something