#because if I'm forced to be with only myself (no physical in-person friendships no new art just me in a room) I will be driven crazy

[snaillock]

could I pls ask for a boyfriend's Nagi x male reader? like him having a weakness for the reader and being like a puppy with him? idk if I'm explaining myself idk how to put it in words 😭 I love blue lock and there's almost no x male reader with them so I'm excited to find this sorry 😓

nagi x male!reader

AHHH my first request!! tysm for asking i would love to make this! i also got curious and only found like three nagi x male readers (two of which were smuts that i was too uncomfortable to read☠️) but don't worry im here to save the day. this also ended up being a lot longer than expected but still really hope you enjoy!! ^^

tags: male reader, sad nagi backstory moment, me getting too carried away with build up again

you were one of the few people who didn’t look at nagi like he was some anomaly. while others in your school would steer clear and gossip about him behind his back, you were one of the only people who spoke to him and treated him like an actual person and not some freak of nature

you would try to talk to him in class but he wouldn’t talk back (since “talking is such a pain”) so you assumed you were bothering him and eventually stopped.

nagi eventually noticed you wouldn’t talk to him in class anymore and it didn’t bother him at first. but eventually he finds himself missing it and would make the rare effort of trying to initiate conversations with you.

that led to you guys talking every day during class. the more you two spoke, the more you realized how much you had in common with him. you soon asked him if he wanted to come over to hang out.

he usually rejects any hang-out offers from literally anyone. though when you asked him if he wanted to come over to your place to play video games together, he accepted because he found you to be less of a hassle to be around compared to others.

when he came over, he realized he actually really enjoys being around you and had fun spending his time playing games with you. he even took a look around your room to admire all the things you’ve collected that represent your personality and interests. this only made him more captivated by you and wanted to be much closer friends

now for the exciting part

once some time has passed and you two got closer, you soon find out he’s a shamelessly clingy person both emotionally and physically.

whenever he would see you, he randomly wraps his arms around you and latch onto you. he hates being forced to let go whenever you two have to go to class.

he gives absolutely zero fucks about being publicly affectionate with another guy in school, paying no mind to the weird stares and whispers

he constantly wants to stay over at your place and when you come over to his for the first time, he introduces you to choki (a hugeeee moment for him trust me)

nagi truly loves being with you. at first, he didn’t care about being an outcast until you showed up in his life and showed him what true friendship and love was like

soon his feelings for you as a friend develops into something much more unfamiliar before he can realize it. falling in love was definitely a new experience for nagi and falling in love with you specifically was a slow delicate process

he definitely didn’t realize for a while that he likes you in that way until he finds himself admiring you as you somehow have soft lighting all over your face and pink flowers and hearts circling your head (all in his imagination my boy is completely whipped). he then thinks, “hmm this feels like one of the shojo mangas i’ve read befo- ohhhhh!”

once the initial shock is over, he’s already bold enough to confess to you quickly after. i can imagine him suddenly telling you how he feels in the most random scenario ever.

it would be so out of nowhere. you guys could be out walking in the park. you casually sip out of your bottle when he nonchalantly says, “wanna be my boyfriend?” with his signature neutral face, making you choke and cough on your water.

he would then elaborate on how much he likes you with the plainest face ever like it was a regular tuesday conversation. the one difference is the light flush on his cheeks and you can definitely tell that he truly means all of it. so once you stopped coughing, you obviously accept his confession

if you thought he was already pretty damn clingy prior to you two becoming a couple, then be prepared for that to increase tenfold

holding hands isn’t enough for him, ideally he needs to be super glued onto you permanently for the rest of his life

you guys are definitely the couple people gag at when they see you both curled up cuddling each other in the hallway.

once again, he gives absolutely no shits. he needs to show off what an amazing boyfriend he has so he’ll never tone it down on the pda

on the very very rare occurrence that you're not with him and you happened to be talking to someone else in the hallway, he sees this and immediately gets a little possessive. so he walks up right behind you and wraps his arms around your waist, resting his head on you. you assume he's just being needy again and find it cute, completely unaware of how he's now glaring deep into that person’s soul from over your shoulder. i mean you’re his man and his man only so everyone needs to know.

he requires you to pet and run your fingers through his hair for a low minimum for uhhh 2000 times a day. you swear that he purrs every time you do it but when you try to listen out for another one, he already fell asleep on your shoulder

whenever you guys are cuddling either at his dorm or your place, he just lays his entire body weight onto you like a heated blanket while resting his head on your shoulder with your fingers carded through his hair. if you try to gently nudge him off so you can get up and use the bathroom, he audibly whines and eventually relents. he totally tries to follow you into the bathroom after that.

whenever you compliment or praise him, he looks totally unaffected but internally, he’s jumping around screaming. meanwhile, he will randomly drop the most endearing and beautiful arrangement of words at you in a completely neutral voice and just move on with his day like you didn’t just witness the most flattering thing you’ve ever heard.

loves whenever you randomly grab his chin and give him a short but very sweet kiss.

nah actually scratch that. nagi loves kisses from you anytime anywhere. fleeting cheek kisses before you both head to class. kisses on his forehead as you hold him close under the covers. drawn out victory kisses you both finally finish a difficult match together. no matter what it is, he always helplessly melts into each one.

before you appeared in nagi's life, his world was just one big dull pain he simply had to push through every day. now that he had you by his side, he finally had the motivation to get out of bed every day.

[verstarppen]

A THANK YOU LETTER

an apology and update! for all you beautiful people - 2 for the price of 1

hello! over the months i've written and deleted this letter because i was too much of a coward to show my face after i left. i contemplated if it would be adequate enough, if it even matters. At the end, i owe this fandom too much, so here it is:

THE APOLOGY

i am truly sorry. there's no better way of putting it.

the more i create the more i realise how this fandom held my hand and i simply wouldn't be the person i am now if this blog never existed. i've always struggled with sharing art and writing online, as i thought it was too lame and took the coward route of keeping it to myself and my closest friends.

ever since this blog, i've found that less of an issue. the more i think about how much i let you and myself down by disappearing the more i feel the shame weigh me down. i never wanted to leave, but life has this funny way of forcing your hand when you least expect it.

without getting too personal, this year hasn't been great for me or anyone close to me - friendships died, family members were hospitalised, university crushed me, expectations from everyone around me made me question if i'm failing in every aspect of my life, i lost passions like art - something i've always thought of as my dream career, and i fear the stress will only grow rather than die down.

in some of those harder moments i would always turn to a distraction, create something for a fandom i enjoy to get my mind off things. to see your comments and your messages always kept me going even when i physically couldn't take the stress of everything around me anymore. being busy made my flame for F1 dwindle, too. it's one of the main reasons i didn't return earlier. I've missed half the races this year, yes that includes both lando and oscar's wins, and although im looking forward to the summer break ending and the racecs coming back, i don't think the enthusiasm will ever return to the way it was when this blog was at its peak.

i feel like a coward for disappearing and it's a big regret of mine this year. i can't promise to write for F1 again, but what i've made will always be archieved here :)

THE UPDATE

not great. i can't even lie i'm not doing too hot right now. i promised i would return to writing when things finally calmed down and yet the more stress there was the more one off projects i made to combat it. throughout the months i've accumulated a lot of side projects for different fandoms like star wars, star trek, dc, merlin and lesser known fandoms such as heavy rain, mortal kombat, the sims (no seriously have you seen the lore) etc. that i have nowhere to post. in april i decided i can't afford (literally) to distract myself with any hobby projects for the sake of my situation and thus... i was an idiot and i deleted my ao3 account. there weren't that many stories on there anyway, but i regret it even if it was the right decision.

i owe @wtfisakilometer2 so much for telling me that the people who love the blog wouldn't mind what fandom it is as long as it's by me, even if i don't fully believe it. it did open my eyes to finally write this, though, so direct all your love to her.

so that leaves me here, sort of homeless on my own blog and with very conflicting feelings about it's direction. i intend to preserve it as an archive of my F1 writing without messing with it, but still let you know about my new ao3 and everything on it so i can keep both our interests in mind.

thank you for reading if you made it this far, i hope you have an awesome day and a lot of cat memes in your pinterest. thank you for all the lovely messages (i read everything) and thank you for everything this fandom has offered me. i will truly never get over you guys.

- star :)

[givesupp]

The Ones Who Live (episode 4 spoilers)

My head feels like it's going to implode in on me and I just need to vomit my thoughts somewhere before it does. I remember hearing about the The Walking Dead (literally everyone and their mother was talking about it). I remember never wanting to watch it because it was SO popular and I've never been a huge fan of watching anything while it was still going live and everyone was into it. I'm weird IDK.

I had just finished up another TV series and was feeling empty, as one usually does and just wanted to dive into a new series. I chose The Walking Dead, finally deciding to give it a chance. I binged the first 4 seasons on Netflix and as I was doing this, it was literally becoming life saving. Only a few short years prior to starting the series I had just started dealing with severe depression. It was crippling. IYKYK. And to make a long story short, falling in love with this show, falling in love with Rick Grimes gave me something to hold on to.

'It's just a show' - this has been said to me many times. But it's not just a show to me. It's a lifeline. Its taking an inspiring moment and grabbing it with the only strength you have left and burning it into your head because if they can do it you can do it. You'll think about it the next time you feel like you can't get out of bed because there just isn't a point. It's taking a character and watching him fight for his sons life while everyone around belittles his character as a father and leader and using that the next time you feel like your chest is about to cave in from the sheer force of anxiety that just hit you like a mack truck. And you think about this character persevering while you sit in the corner of your bathroom floor with a cold rag on your face just simply trying to breathe.

So many examples, so many moments TWD has breathed life back into me when nothing else could.

And then Richonne.

RICHONNE.

Oh my god, what a fucking absolute treasure to emerge from this series. The slowburn of it, the showcasing of patience and friendship, love and trust and overcoming loss and hardships - together.

Finding your person. Camaraderie. True, real love. A soulmate. This? Despite loss, death at the hands of others, death at the hands of your own, tragedy, hopelessness, mental illness, losing your child? I can't even find words to express what Rick and Michonne mean to me separately, but as a couple? I am unable to express in words because it just would not do justice to what they actually represent to me in my own personal life.

Nearly a month ago we were given The Ones Who Live episode 1. And I remember watching that and having to physically remove myself from my home, go outside, sit down on the ground and reflect while sun soaking near a river. That's how blown away I was over the writing, the story, the emotions centered around this character that I have watched and grown to love over years.

Episode 4? EPISODE 4 is a fucking WELLSPRING of emotions, struggle with mental wellness, disagreement, unconditional love, immense hurt, understanding and patience. A relationship struggling to be what it was, if not anything at all. A broken man and a broken woman. A son, who has DIED years ago still finding a way to be the one who brings his parents back together. Who brings strength to his dad even after all this time...

Carl placed in the palm of his fathers hand as a sketch on a broken phone breathing life back into him. This, from his wife. Finding a way to save him. Giving him a sense of purpose, meaning back to him after he declared his own death not that long ago because he could not and does not ever want to live without her.

You cannot tell me that this show isn't important.

That it isn't life saving.

That it isn't at the very least forcing us to reflect and discuss and acknowledge our own lives, our own relationships, our own mental health, our own circumstances, our -

No.

This isn't just a show to me.

Thanks for reading my vomit novel.

[kairithemang0]

Tomorrow it's been a year. A year since he was here. So, lets talk about all the things he did <3 gonna get a little tmi but I need this off my chest because I'm finally realizing the gravity of the situation and maybe I'm just overdramatic but honestly, I'm so over it at this point I want to wrap it all up in a nice little bow and never think about it again

One year to when he kissed me, when he turned on the food network incase we "made too much noise". he was 17, I was 14. Just found out about this now but a year before he asked my cousin to have sex with him because "they were basically both adults" (both 16 at the time). He was into my friend, he actively talked about how much he loved her when i was having a panic attack, after he kissed me he said she was just so damn cute (they met in person for the first time that day). He told me I was a bad friend because I said that him practically begging an aroace person to date him wasn't a good idea and then getting pissed when they broke up with him, refusing to talk to me after i tried to comfort him, saying a loved and cared about him. he ghosted me for 3 days after, he didn't come online that entire time and when he came back he begged me not to be mad at him, said he loved me with all his heart and wanted to be with me and be there for me. He asked me to break up with my partner, a partner I cared about, a partner I adored. I did so. We're still friends, she's found a lovely person. I'm so happy for her. Me and my friend would make jokes about how we're in a love triangle with him and how her and I should get together as a fuck you. He said what we had was straight, that no matter what gender I idenitified as he'd never be gay. He used my deadname under his breath, he made me look at him. I hate eye contact but he held my face and forced me to look at him. He pushed me away when he turned 18. He said he was "too worried about falling for me". That was in December. Back to last july after he left he said he wanted a relationship, he wanted something with me. He wanted this to be real. He said he'd only date me if I never left him, if I promised to have kids with him. Looking back that's way more disgusting than i thought it was back then. I shot the idea down, I said it sounded like some fucked up contract. Thinking about it now makes me want to vomit in my mouth, I don't know if he emotionally manipulated me or if I was doing it to myself for letting it happen? He had this crush since he broke up with his girlfriend of 2 years, October 2022. My cousin has since apologized for making him believe he had a chance, which I'm appreciative of. He ended up having a crush on her as well, we both agree he's just fucking pathetic. The worst part about it is the emptiness that followed. He never tried in conversations, they were all flat. He said our friendship only worked when he was there in New Jersey, when he was with me. When he was allowed to be there and touch me. We met in person 4 months after I first met him in June of 2022, I was 13 and he was 16. Everything was great. And then only a year later a feel empty talking to him as he's forcing me to look at him. There was a time where if he wasn't talking to me I felt physically ill, I was so deep in this hole of needing him, meanwhile it never felt like he needed me as much as he said he did. I just wanted someone I considered my best friend, I sometimes wonder if he was waiting until I was legal. He said he'd never hurt me, that he wouldn't do something I didn't want to do. Frankly I don't think he should've listened to a desperate lonely 14 year old who he ghosted for 3 days and then became so emotionally dependent on. I don't think he was intentionally manipulating me, I was more of doing it to myself, but looking back I just feel manipulated, yknow?

Sorry, you guys don't need to hear this. I don't need to share it. I'm happy I've blocked him, I'm happy I don't need to think about him. I hope this post will help me forget about it all, or at least turn it into something I can reflect on as "wow, I can't believe I let that happen". I may reblog this with more things as my memory shows. Maybe I'm being overdramatic, I just needed this off my chest

[sammysdewysensitiveeyes]

I have now shifted from reading the first X-Men run to reading the Claremont stuff, and of course I have opinions. (I'm nowhere near done with Claremont's run, just past Dark Phoenix and Days of Future Past.)

I can honestly see why Claremont basically saved the X-Men franchise, his stuff is so much better than the first 66 issues. I'm sure part of it is a shift in comics writing style, from less adventure-of-the-month to more ongoing saga, soap opera style, but it's just good. It's really good. Claremont sets up plot points well in advance, he creates a team with distinct personalities, and friction (or friendships) that come with that. The prose is beautiful at times. I remember trying to read Claremont stuff after growing up with 90's X-Men, and thinking the writing sounded corny (and I know people who grew up reading later era X-Men feel the same way about 90's comics now). But after reading the first run, Claremont's X-Men hits differently, and it's so much easier to read, like I'm not forcing myself to slog through it.

Phoenix/Dark Phoenix saga is genuinely a beautiful story. There's a lot to be said about the all-powerful female character being unable to control her power, and being essentially corrupted by lust (both physical lust and lust for power), and the weird virgin/whore dynamic Claremont has going with Jean. Like, there are absolutely weird sexist undertones. But if Jean absolutely had to be killed off, it's a well-written death, and I can see why adaptations keep going back to it, although I wish they'd stop, no one has gotten it right. I think the X-Men Animated Series actually did the best job, they stayed close to the original story (with the 90's cast) and went with a "Jean is possessed by Phoenix" angle rather than the "Jean was replaced by Phoenix" retcon in the actual comics. I can kind of see why the later retcon went with "cosmic firebird" to separate Phoenix from Jean, as even the way Jean talks about "Phoenix" in the original story, like she's tapped into some primal, cosmic power, sounds like it's some force outside of herself.

I totally forgot that Beast and Angel are both there for the final battle before Phoenix dies, Beast because he saw on an Avenger's monitor that the X-Men were in trouble. And Angel actually rejoins the team for awhile. Poor Bobby is the only one who gets left out.

There's a long period in the comics where Jean and Beast think the other X-Men are dead, and the X-Men think Jean and Beast are dead after the groups are separated escaping Magneto's lair, which fills with lava. I can understand Jean not being strong enough to do a psi-scan (she is exhausted from protecting herself and Beast, and they emerge in Antarctica, so they are struggling just to survive). But apparently when they report the news to Xavier, he just doesn't bother to do any kind of Cerebro search. "The X-Men are ambiguously dead with no bodies or real confirmation of their deaths, guess I won't bother to use this device that can locate mutants, I'm off to space with my bird girlfriend."

This was also the start of the "Professor Xavier is a jerk!" era. The first run had Xavier doing so very questionable stuff, but it was always treated in a "Father Knows Best" kind of way. Xavier was the mentor that they all obey without question, and he was basically always right. Claremont wrote an Xavier who is flawed and capable of making mistakes, although he still appears to be a man who loves his students like his own children. He gets distracted by his dreams of (and later romance with) Lilandra, he butts heads with Cyclops and tries to treat him like a child when Cyclops has been leading the team independently for a while. After Jean's death, when Cyclops is basically summarizing his entire life with the team, he criticizes a few of Xavier's decisions, and in particular thinks about how cruel the whole "fake death Changeling substitute" thing was. I know Claremont is also responsible for also fleshing out Magneto as a character and making him a much more nuanced figure, and I like it. To be honest, I think fan opinion lately has swung too far in the other direction, now we've got "Magneto was right" and "Xavier is the worst," and I don't fully agree with that, either. I think they are both deeply flawed leaders who are both capable of good and bad. I like flawed Xavier who is still a thoughtful and caring person.

This run also gets into Claremont fetish territory, big time. We've got the whole Jean seduction thing, the Hellfire club fetish gear (only for the women, of course!), Storm constantly getting naked, and that time Magneto turns the X-Men into adult babies. No, seriously, he is angry about being changed into a baby by Alpha the Ultimate Mutant (something that happened in another book between the first run and Claremont's run), and he wants to give them a taste of it. So he has them strapped into chairs with collars that shut off their powers and greatly restrict their movement and speech, while a robot nanny feeds them and brushes their hair, and yeah, it's really weird. He sort of makes it make sense, as Magneto claims that in baby form he could still remember who he was and what he had lost, and that actually sounds nightmarish. I can understand wanting to subject his enemies to the same indignity. But it's still weird.

Claremont really loves putting people in leather bondage outfits and the whole "you're mind-controlling me to be evil but I secretly like it" thing, starting with Jean. Even in the New Mutants and Excalibur we get some of this stuff, like Empath forcing Sharon and Tom to have sex with each other and put on weird bondage outfits. It's a whole thing with him. Storm is kind of like Starfire (who came later), in that she's a sexy, beautiful character who likes to get naked because she is comfortable that way, but she is not actively trying to be "sexy." I can kind of see it as "Storm is connected to nature," but otherwise I'm not sure how I feel about it. I don't think female characters should have to dress in skimpy outfits because they are trying to be sexy, but at the same time we get sexy characters who aren't really "allowed" to own their own sexuality. I almost respect it more with characters like Emma who say, "Yes, I dress this way to be sexy." We just get a lot of Storm taking showers.

Poor Thunderbird, he only lasted like four issues. Sometimes I wonder how it would have been if Wolverine had died instead, and if Thunderbird would have become as big a character. Wolverine has the whole "Weapon X" past thing going for him, but it seems like that was added later to flesh the character out, they could have just as easily given Proudstar an interesting backstory. Thunderbird's death is interesting, because it's not really depicted as a necessary sacrifice. Thunderbird didn't have to stay on the plane with Nefaria, Banshee was right there and could have caught him in the air. It was less of a noble sacrifice and more like a character desperate to prove himself. I'm not trying to disrespect Proudstar here, I just think it's interesting. I wonder if this death was meant to show Cyclops/Xavier failing in leadership for the first time, that they didn't realize Thunderbird would do something like this. They sort of "bring him back" with James Proudstar/Thunderbird II/eventually Warpath in the Hellions. Normally I don't really like "replacement characters" that have the exact same powers and look very similar to the original except Madelyne but New Mutants did a good job of making James Proudstar his own character. He is connected to John as his brother, he wants revenge for his brother's death, but unlike John, James comes across as very calm and serious, the leader of the Hellions who is responsible for everyone. And hey, now they're both alive in current comics - if only they'd be allowed to actually interact.

Claremont starts with a big team and then does a lot of pushing characters out. The original team leaves except Scott. Thunderbird dies. Then Jean comes back as Phoenix (and dies). Sunfire goes on the Krakoa mission, then says "Fuck you, I'm out," which is kind of constant theme with him. Lorna and Alex are constantly on the periphery, occasionally getting dragged into stories (like when they are brainwashed by Erik the Red), but never full team members. At least Havok gets to properly join later, Polaris is constantly getting pushed aside. Banshee actually gets a proper run on the book and is there for the first Phoenix saga before Claremont eases him into retirement with an injury to his voice and a romance with Moira. I really like Banshee, it's neat to have an "older" character on a team full of kids (and even Wolverine is treated as a younger guy in his early appearances, before his backstory gets fleshed out), and he has his own backstory of being an Interpol agent, and an evil cousin who wants to kill him. He also has an ancestral castle with leprechauns, but we won't talk about that. Claremont sort of keeps the "Muir Island" characters in the loop for awhile, so occasionally Banshee, Moira, Multiple Man, and sometimes Lorna and Alex get drawn into the story again.

Erik the Red shows up as a Shiar agent, even though Erik the Red was a fake persona that Scott used in the first X-Men run, and I swear we never get an explanation as to why. Did the Shiar agent just find the costume and think it was cool? Or maybe it was the agent's costume the entire time and Scott found it somewhere, that would explain how Scott quickly cobbled together a villain disguise complete with laser gloves that mimicked powers. I think Claremont just saw the bondage gear and couldn't resist.

First appearance of Juggernaut and Black Tom Cassidy as a duo, and Juggernaut even dives into the sea to save Tom. These two, along with Pyro and Avalanche and Unus and Blob, are high on my "gay villain duo" list.

Mesmero hypnotizes the X-Men into thinking that they are carnival workers, and Magneto shows up and is like:

Magneto actually rescues the X-Men from Mesmero just so he can take revenge on them himself, and says that Mesmero was just working with a Magneto robot the whole time.

I probably make it no secret that Wolverine is very low on my favorite character list, but I like him more in the early days when he's not only allowed to be a massive asshole, but the narrative actually treats him like one. Wolverine bothers me the most in his over-hyped days, when he is basically, to borrow TV Tropes, a Jerkass-Sue, who always saves the day and is still loved and respected by almost everyone despite being a massive asshole. In the early days there are actually consequences for Wolverine being a massive asshole, people yell at him and put him in his place, he actually loses fights occasionally, he gradually develops and shows that he has a good heart and cares about his team-mates. He is actually part of the team, not the star. My favorite Wolverine is a character who fits in as part of the X-Men, while Wolverine on his own bores the shit out of me.

The Hellfire Club story really makes Mastermind an impressive villain. I always thought he was a creep, and Hellfire club elevates him to mega-creep, but it also shows him managing to work his way into this Inner Circle of powerful mutants, and gain control over Jean with his illusion powers. (And some help from a device that Emma made, current comics forget she is a tech whiz). Like this is a legitimately dangerous, threatening Mastermind, although not after Jean wipes the floor with him.

I wonder what fan reaction was like to Kitty Pryde - was she a welcome addition, or the "annoying child character," like Wesley Crusher? Personally, I like Kitty, and I appreciate her acting like an actual child, not a hyper-competent genius, although she is an actual genius. I don't mind her doing things like wandering into the Danger Room and forgetting to phase because she's so scared, it makes sense. She's like 13.

There's a lot more to be said about the introductions of Sebastian Shaw and Emma and my favorite Brotherhood, with Destiny, Mystique, Blob, Avalanche and Pyro, but this has gone on too long already. Claremont definitely gave us a lot of characters with staying power.

[generouslyandrogynousdragon]

I turned 29 very recently. I'm still here, still queer, in a way that I didn't even know existed when I was younger. I ran the gamut of labels, initially trying to force myself to act the way I thought a straight guy should.

Spoiler alert, it didn't work. And so I began to question, am I gay? And at first I thought okay, maybe I am. But it never sat right, because I still felt what I thought was attraction to women - turns out it wasn't, I was just looking at people who were conventionally attractive and trying to fit the square peg in the round hole.

And then I learned a little more, because it was more openly discussed by then, and I found this wonderful word: bisexual. And I thought to myself - this must be it, this must be me! I like guys and girls, so I must be bi. And I went on, believing that for a good long time - almost 10 years in fact. I even plucked up the courage to come out to my mother - who, bless her, was surprised but supportive. Not all of us are so lucky.

But it still wasn't right. I was doing the right things, going on dates, even - shock horror! - having sex, but it never felt right. The longest relationship I had was 3 dates. Because there was always something missing, some tooth chipped off the gear that was me, and I couldn't make the machine work.

And then, about 2 years ago, I heard about this "new-fangled" identity - not really new, but this was the first I'd heard of it. Asexuality. Aromanticism. The lack of sexual drive (I know, it's more complex than that, shut up and listen to *grandpa*) and the lack of romantic attraction.

And these matched so well with me that I thought surely there must be something like this, but that lets me fit in. Because of course, people who choose not to have sex because they don't want to are bad, right? (Other people's opinion, not mine, go get mad at them.)

And I discovered demisexuality - sexual attraction only with a solid platonic friendship first (again, simplification but I work in physics, we simplify models all the time, get used to it) - and I thought that fitted me to a T.

It's only in the last year that I've been able to look back and be properly introspective, and discovered that no, I just don't experience sexual or romantic attraction. There's nothing wrong with me, there never has been. But when I first started looking for a way to describe who I was, who I am, I didn't have these words.

I didn't have this knowledge, so I used the words I did have. That's not "appropriating identity", it's not having the right words, because either I hadn't heard of them or they hadn't been invented yet - it's more likely to be the former, I'll admit.

And I wasn't "betraying my fellow LGBTQIA+'s" when I changed my labels to more accurately reflect who I am as a person, I was learning more about myself and adapting how I present myself to the world accordingly. It's very similar to science. If we discover one issue with a theory, do we throw out the whole theory? Of course not, we look into the issue and try to find a way to reconcile it with the theory. (Sometimes we can't, but then that muddles the metaphor.)

It's easy to want to be the trailblazers, the pioneering genii who discover the "secret truth" that destroys bigotry forever. But bigotry is an idea, and you can't kill ideas. There will always be someone who wants an excuse for their hatred of someone else to be justifiable. That doesn't mean it's hopeless, or that we should give up. We just have to keep pushing, and convincing people that we are just as worthy of life as they are, until those that hate are solidly in the minority.

There are people out there today more than twice my age, who have been through so much more and lost so much more than me. I'm lucky. I have my family, my friends.

I don't even know where this is going anymore, I just thought I'd share a little of my experience with the baby gays before I turn 30, and - according to their logic - dissolve into dust and disappear forever.

i think i’m just about ready to snap and start unhinged yelling about generational neglect in the queer community

[keicordelle]

An Arrangement of Convenience, Ch. 2

Fandom: FFXIV Rating: E Pairing: Estimeric Word Count: 1.4k Tags: Pre-Canon, Temple Knights Days, Friends with Benefits, First Time Together, Awkwardness, Relationship Discussions, Establishing Boundaries, Explicit Sexual Content, Explicit Consent, Oral Sex, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, POV First Person, POV Aymeric de Borel

Summary: Before they were the Lord Commander and the Azure Dragoon, they were Temple Knights. Before they were lovers, they were friends. Before their feelings grew into something more, they came together when there were no other options, in an arrangement established entirely out of convenience and mutual attraction.

Aymeric knows full well he's not the only man in the world attracted to other men, but he never expected his best friend to reveal that not only is he aware of Aymeric's preferences, but he shares them. When Estinien proposes that they might find pleasure with each other when the need arises, the offer seems to come straight out of Aymeric's fantasies. If they could maintain such an arrangement without ruining their friendship, it would be everything he'd ever dreamed of... But if they couldn't, he risked losing the only friend he'd ever had who saw him as more than a novelty. Because once he said yes, one way or another, everything was sure to change.

-

I spent the next two days thinking of nothing but Estinien's offer. I had done as he'd suggested and taken care of my body's demands before I'd returned from my bath, spilling myself into my hand with more force than I ever had before, and yet every time my thoughts circled back to the brush of his hands down his chest or the white patch of hair in the hollow under his arm or the weight of his gaze on me, I found myself just as hard as I had been with him before me, which was not at all conducive to thinking clearly about his suggestion.

Estinien carried on as if nothing had happened between us, every bit the friend he had been up to now. I found it was not as difficult as I'd feared to treat him normally in turn, and if I occasionally pictured the skin I knew to be hidden under his armor when I looked at him, well that was not anything especially new. It was simply that now I knew for certain that he had a scar across his left side and that his nipples were a rather pleasant shade reminiscent of cinnamon - and, more importantly, that he welcomed such thoughts.

In the evening on the second day, I gathered my courage and approached him while we readying for bed. "I'd like to take you up on your offer."

He looked up from oiling his armor, needing no clarification as to what offer I meant. "Are you certain?" he asked, eyeing where my hands wrung themselves. "I would not wish you to do anything you'll regret later."

I forced them still. "I am sure. As long as our friendship remain intact, I see no reason why two friends can't help each other with their physical needs." I still worried that we might tarnish our relationship, but if he could make such a proposal and still look at me the same way afterwards, then I could learn to do the same. "And don't worry, I'm not some repressed virgin whose purity you must worry about sullying," I joked. "Despite what some of the others say."

He snorted. "If I thought you were a virgin, I would never have proposed such a thing. So much the better that we both know what we like, and might explore new territory together, if you wish. Although," he added with a wry grin, "seeing as how you were wound tighter than the string of your bow the other day, I'd argue that perhaps 'repressed' is an accurate term."

-

Read the rest on Ao3!

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[lets-talk-spirituality]

https://www.tumblr.com/lets-talk-spirituality/713247522772107264/httpswwwtumblrcomlets-talk-spirituality71064

Hiii, actually a few days ago I was meditating about this snippet of vision I had. My context of life is about breaking cycles of toxic patterns I grew up seeing in my family... Having to play therapist to my mom and she telling that she couldn't persue the career path she wanted and giving up her aspirations in life when she married just like her mom (my grandma). I do not think is normal to loose yourself any partnership or connection with someone, also not being that happy with your relationships but staying on them to be in picture perfect relationship/marriage/family. I also believe people are more than their relationships and mistakes.

In my experience I've met men that wanted to control me in some way (even though they were not always romantic interests), for example once I was talking to someone who was an "tutor" to me.. and I said one day I want to have kittens. HE WAS TRIGGERED. His face was like this 2 emojis😨😰. He said "But why you don't want to have kids?" and he is a married man and he was obessed with me getting married young. ¿? Mod where does this come from?.

Once I also met a man who told me I remind him of his mom and I was like I hope you don't have mommy issues. But I have as well met people that told me that they feel safe with me.

On relationships I find myself wanting to have certain space and to have a friendship first . After the friendship happens I start sharing the softer side of my personality.

Sometimes I found myself being told by certain guys that I am cold but I am also like not at all. I accept that I'm detached when they want physical touch in public but that doesn't always mean that I feel nothing. One day I hope to meet someone that understands my love language.

*Succes to me is doing what you are passionate about and having found your place in this world (your soul family). As for the dressed up part is that I love expressing myself through clothes and accesories and is the path I'm taking even though where I'm from it's not considered as a serious career . But above all I'm doing finally what my heart wants without listening to others and that's what matters. 💞💫

-🌟

Finally getting to this! I swear. The second I complete an ask another comes in. Not complaining but just so you guys understand. Lol.

Clearing generational trauma seems to be a theme for a lot us younger people who are alive.

Where does it come from? People who uphold the status quo usually do it because they either truly think that’s the way things should be or they just do that because they aren’t strong enough to go against the grain. In either scenario, the usually want others to uphold that same status quo and feel insulted or attacked when others don’t because it forces them to acknowledge their own inability to move outside the status quo or their deep resentment that they’ve upheld it when they didn’t truly want to. But your paving new paths and, most people are afraid to venture into the unknown. Keep going on your path anyway. They may not get to see the same beauty you do but that’s their choice.

I also relate a lot to what you’re saying. I think I’m soul sexual or something in that I only ever feel things for people I feel intrinsically drawn to. Maybe it’s not a soul thing and it’s just a trauma thing but idk because then I’d be attracted to way more men than I am lol. So many ones I could replay childhood wounds with but I’ve only felt super drawn to three guys in my life. So to a lot of people I seem cold, it’s just I can’t feel them. I can from like a detached place but not deeply like I do with soul connections. I think it’s good you don’t bend to fit in.

I’m glad you’re living life for you! That’s hard to do. Sometimes we can’t even see how deeply ingrained societal expectations are. I think success for me is similar, it’s finding belonging and living your life in a way that is expansive.

I know this took forever to respond to. Love you! Hope you’re doing okay. Mwah 💋 💕

[notbecauseofvictories]

Oh No I’m Stuck in My Apartment

Now is the best of times, now is the worst of times! 

Anyway, I am not a healthcare professional and it turns out pandemics don’t care about “law” actually so I’m here to offer the resources I can. Namely: Where To Find Media & Inject It In Your Eyeballs Without Infecting Other People. Most of these links will be USA-specific, but do search for local equivalents.

I. LEGAL, IE EITHER KNOWN TO OR PROFITABLE FOR THE CREATORS / IP-OWNERS

Obviously there’s the whole Nutflix/Prima/Holla/Antitrust Violation+ axis, but there are lots of other ways to access content online and potentially without a subscription fee.

YOUR LOCAL PUBLIC LIBRARY---depending on the resources available, a public library can offer up a wealth of ebooks, audiobooks, online resources, and general content, including awesome stuff to keep the Little Ones (Suddenly Not In School) engaged and using their brains. I encourage everyone to start here. I also recommend the Hoopla app and the Library Extension---those times I feel tempted to look on Amazon first, they’ve pulled me back and reminded me that Chicago Public Libraries might have that, and for free! A blessing.

PBS---A miracle and a gift. Tons and tons of content on the website, and if you become a member (”viewers like you”!) you can access even more, through their partnership with Masterpiece Theater. 

KANOPY---Are you into old movies? Do you have a library card and/or are a student at a university? Check of Kanopy, a service that partners with academic institutions and libraries to stream culturally significant films.

TUBI---like Crackle or Vudu, its catalog is nowhere near as extensive as more profitable streaming services, but it uses a commercial break/no paid subscription model. Currently the only streaming service featuring Leverage, which is a pretty good indicator of quality imho.

MET OPERA LIVE IN HD---This is very niche, but if you’re into opera, the Met is making its recent Live in HD performances stream-able through its website. (It already had this capability through its archives, but I appreciate the chance to see more recent productions.)

Less specifically: if you’re interested in trying out a particular television channel or podcast, buying a book (particularly one from a debut author whose book tour has been canceled due to COVID), or attempting video games, now’s the time, since many are offering free or discounted shipping/access.

II. MAYBE POTENTIALLY NOT EXACTLY LEGAL BUT NOT TECHNICALLY A DMCA VIOLATION TO WATCH

oh no, what’s this whole “pu t loc ker” phenomenon? who can possibly say? no one should visit a link that’s mostly a repository of ripped movies of varying quality (both the movies and the quality of the recording)

and definitely I don’t recommend anyone google “project free tv” in order to catch up on their shows! who would do such a thing that might deprive a poor, multi-trillion dollar mouse some shred of profit????

in addition, no one should check out r/pro(f)shot musicals (minus the f) in they’re looking to find a lot of professionally-recorded musicals, operas and plays! I mean, that would be bad, sort of. I guess.

sometimes, if you go to youtube and click around in clips related to something you want to see, the algorithm will recommend a different video, with a non-searchable title akin to “man in basement develops unhealthy attachment to soprano” or  “austen heroine thinks manners are heroin”. Definitely shouldn’t do that, probably.

.........if you have other resources, don’t hesitate to add to this post or reply. Let’s all stay healthy, stay hydrated, and stay (relatively) socialized!

[snickerdoodlles]

📚 for the fic ask

Pat and Wai and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad realization that You're Friends With That Asshole

listen i'm a sucker for messy unwanted friendships and these two are very, very funny together, i cant help myself

so, the fic opens to the fact that Pat and Wai each see each other as Pran's free bastard man. do they hate each others' guts? absolutely. does Pran look Disappointed any time they're close to fighting? unfortunately. so they resolve to Tolerate each other's existence for the foreseeable future, and they tolerate each other so well they become actual friends (they refuse to acknowledge it though. they will do many things for Pran, including hiding a body, but admitting That Guy isn't toooootally the worst person out there? inconceivable)

it starts with a truce during their second year finals, shortly after Pat and Pran ""break up"". Pran gets vvvv stressed as projects come due, and it's the only times of the year Wai never flakes on him after The Incident Of Junior Year (high school). Wai's been Pran's rock through tough times like exams for ages (he doesn't get into the same anxiety spirals Pran does and will cheerfully use his bad grades to beat back any of Pran's intrusive thoughts). Pat's just Pran's safe space and really good at helping Pran loosen up or rethink whatever's overwhelming him at the time. and as Pran trumps whatever they feel about the other, Pat and Wai even go as far as exchanging phone numbers in the name Pran's sanity

further Totally Not Friendship shenanigans include:

Wai accidentally sends Pat a text he meant to send Pran. Pat responds exclusively in emojis in a text so long it fills the whole chat. Wai will not take this challenge laying down, cracks his knuckles, starts typing

Pat helpfully stands over Wai's shoulder and corrects his calculus and physics homework. the fact that he's good at teaching both is downright offensive, much to Wai's dismay. Wai finds his revenge when he shows Pat shortcuts and tricks for CAD (design software), and now the two of them are actively helping each other with their homework but like, pettily

Pat: uh oh by junior doctor is u Wai: ????what are you talking about, you know my english isnt that good *one google translate later* Wai: HEY FUCK OFF

one time Pat, Pran, Korn, and Wai see Ming on campus. Pat doesn't want to see his dad. for obvious reasons, Pran can't be seen by Ming. Korn is always willing to have a friend's back, except he can't make up good cover stories to save his life. embracing the deep wells of his practiced obnoxiousness, Wai's time has come

(he pretends to be a very new, very confused, but very earnest campus tour guide who's convinced Ming is a parent he lost from his main tour group, and proceeds to forcibly drag Ming every which way looking for said imaginary tour group while giving Ming an almost entirely incorrect tour of Ming's own faculty. Wai very nearly fails because the other three follow after them and barely manage to muffle their laughter. it's the closest Pat's ever come to admitting he actually likes the guy)

this:

basically Pat and Wai's combined energy is the b99 quote "the new plan is: no plan! we wing it! probably won’t work, but i said it with a lot of confidence" and i think it's a shame we don't force friendship on the two of them so we can enjoy it

[[ask me about the fic I'm not writing]]

[lesbianakaashi]

The Forgotten Shounen: Katekyo Hitman Reborn

This is not a “Why you should watch/read khr” or anything like that. This is just me going into the deep dive and throwing my findings at you. I’m making this because khr used to be my favourite series when I was 15 (I had plushees, posters, tradingcards, the art book etc) and now as an adult I constantly find myself baffled at how unknow it seems to be.

1. Okay first what is khr?

Katekyo Hitman Reborn! or just Reborn! is a series by Akira Amano which was published in Weekly Shounen Jump from 2004 to 2012 (with 42 volumes) and got an anime adaption which run from 2006 to 2010 on Tv Tokyo (with 202 episodes and one OVA).

2. What’s it about?

Khr is a parody of the italian mafia and plays in a world where the mafia is heavily influencial. The protagonist is the japanese middle schooler Sawada Tsunayoshi who is known as “No good Tsuna” because of his failing grades, general weak and cowardly personality and weak physics.

He becomes aware of the mafia world when a 2 year old baby called Reborn arrives at his house claiming to be the greatest hitman and declaring himself his home tutor. Reborn was send by the 9th head of the Vongola famiglia who is ready to retire and looking for a new heir. Which of course, is supposed to be Tsuna and now it's Reborns job to shape him into a worthy sucessor.

Tsuna rejects the violence of the mafia world and refuses the position as the 10th. Thanks to Reborn and his general craziness Tsuna meets different people and starts to make real friendships. Reborn wants 6 of those friends to be Tsuna's future guardians, basically a group of people which will be closest to him in the vongola famiglia. Tsuna might have no interest in those positions but the friendships he builds with them become really precious to him.

Reborns arrivial also brings in the enemies of the Vongola family which leads to Tsuna being forced to engage in battles. Generally Tsuna openly avoids fights and prefers to run away but will put himself in danger for his friends' sake or because of something Reborn did.

Through out the series Tsuna matures and gains strenght but he never becomes a power fantasy. He's just a guy with many flaws who grows through the human connections he makes.

Personally I think the relationship between Reborn and Tsuna is one of the best student teacher reltaionships in all of manga only topped by Mob and Reigen from Mob Psycho 100. Especially the last arc really underlines their unique relationship to me.

Furthermore, khr offers a new and unique battle system: The flames. I'm not gonna go into to too much detail but the general idea is that one fights with their dying will flame which basically turns off your the savety switch so you can fight with everything you have. The flames are seperated into different categories such as: sky, storm, mist, rain, sun, lightning and cloud and have different attributes asigned to each one. Tsuna's use of the sky flame and his transformation when using it is still one of my favourite shounen transformations to this day.

3. What happened?

The series did really well and then not so well over the course of its serialisation. After the manga got an anime adaption it increased in populairty and video games, light novels, and other products such as CDs were created based on the series. Reborn is one of the best selling series of Weekly Shōnen Jump and has sold around 30 Million volumes overall. It was and still is very popular in Japan but rather unknown in the west.

According to the article "The Rise and Fall of Weekly Shonen Jump: A Look at the Circulation of Weekly Jump" khr was the 10th bestselling series in Weekly Shōnen Jump, with a total of 7 million copies sold in 2007.

This number increasing to 15 milion in 2008. Which placed khr into the 4th best selling series of 2008 in Japan.

Between 2008 and 2010 those sales declined but still kept strong with khr as the 6th top selling manga in 2009, 8th best selling in 2010 and then 24th best selling in 2012.

In November 2014, readers of the Da Vinci magazine voted khr number 17 on a list of Weekly Shōnen Jump's greatest manga series of all time.

After the anime came to an apprupt stop in 2010 for unknown reasons the manga sells took a visible hit. (Apparently the studio wanted to put the anime on halt because they were busy with other projects and give Akira Amano time to develop her story but I couldn't find any source for this claim) Furthermore, the rushed last chapters of the manga in 2012 declined the popularity of the series even more. There's no offical statement as to why the manga was ended in such a way but it's reasonable to assume that Jump either cut it considering the decreasing sales or Akira Amano choose to end it for personal reasons.

Nontheless, Tsuna not being included in Jump Force (a fighting game where you can play as different characters from Jump) in 2019 even tho he made it in earlier Jump Stars games also underlines the decreased interest in the series.

Rumors on a reboot or anime adaption of the last two arcs surface from time to time but are genereally unlikely. Artland the studio which made khr has gone bankrupt around 2015-2016. It might be taken on by another studio but rather uncommen especially with such an old series.

4. Art style

The khr anime ended over 10 years ago and the old art style might not be appealing to newer audiences.

Especailly because the anime adaption follows Akira Amanos old art style which heavily developed within the years. Here a picture comparing characters in the new art style:

A modern anime adaption in the new art style would be aesthetically pleasing. It would probably look similiar to Psycho Pass since Akira Amano did the concept art for this series.

(My personal art student hot take is that both art styles are unique and fun. Up to this day Akira Amano still has my favourite art style and even if the amount folds in the characters clothing is a little extreme I love it dearly.)

5. Criticism

The show is not without flaws and even if I greatly enjoy it it wouldn't be right not to adress them.

Daily Life Arc:

A lot of people view the first 20 to 25 episodes as fillers and quickly lose intererst in the series. This is due to the fact that Akira Amano inteded the series to be a gag manga and focuses the first chapters on world building, character introduction and comical narratives. It's rumored that the decision to develop the story into a battle shounen was made because the sales weren't doing well enough at first. So the first chapters/episodes may seem titidious but are necessary for the story and the development of the characters. The tonal shift from a more gintama like gag manga to a darker battle focused story can also be offputting to some viewers.

Either way a lot of people blame this arc when discussing why khr never got an english dub or didn't end up on Toonami. I've also read that the manga never finished serializing in the north america. However, it finished in other western languages like german and spanish.

Censoring:

The anime censors A LOT. From Gokudera's smoking habit, Yamamoto's whole character arc which deals with heavy themes such as depression and suicidal thoughts. The general bloodiness of the manga was censored and sometimes whole chapters and characters were left out even if those were important to the devolopment of others.

Filler episodes:

Out of the 202 episodes the anime has around 29 filler episodes which makes roughly 14 %.

Sexism:

Even if Reborn was written by a woman most female characters are rather flat and their storylines often tied to a male character in one way or another.

Genereal things:

Khr, like many other long running series, is sometimes criticised for a lack of world building or unpopular narrative choices.

6. Hope?

Khr isn't exactly dead. As stated before the series is still very popular in Japan and still gets new merch pretty regulary. There are also petitions floating around for a reboot or a new anime season but those never get a lot of traction. Furthermore #Reborn2期アニメ化 (#Reborn2ndAnimation) used to get some traction on twitter not too long ago. Last year the Anime News Network did a poll on which anime the readers would like to see a rebooot of and khr placed second.

Either way here's a collection of recent khr things I could find.

- In 2018 a new bluray set was released in north america

- The khr stage play reached yet another new season

- A mobile game was released last year

- Currently ongoing anime cafe event called "Concerto di Vongola"

- Last month there was an event with the former VAs and stage play actors where they discussed their favourite khr episodes.

- There has been an increase in blind reacts to the openings on youtube which might bring in a new fan base. The biggest one I could find had around 90k views and was made in 2019. On this note check out the soundtrack. The first openeing Drawing Days by SPLAY still makes me go insane (but I'm biased of course)

There also renewed hope for a new season/reboot because Shaman King, Inuyasha and Bleach got anounced for new seasons after a long hiatus. It's important to keep in mind that the circumstances for those series are differnt tho. For example bleachs new anime is often tied to the immense success of the gatcha game.

7. Conclusion

Khr is a series which used to be a flagship for Weekly Shounen Jump and is deeply beloved by it's fans, especially in Japan. It influenced other shounen series like bnha. It would be nice to see it gaining a bigger fanbase in the west :)

[aro-absol]

[Sorry for the wall of text following! I swear I meant to only write a few sentences. Also, I'm aware it might be controversial but I'd like to hear if anyone has similar thoughts. Tl;dr: Allos might not use the concept of platonic attraction because they're not used to the SAM and maybe because they're used to feeling attraction with stronger physical signs. Attraction is a very subjective thing; op isn't necessarily aplatonic just because she doesn't use the concept of platonic attraction.]

I assume it's a language thing. And I don't even mean it as an English/non-English difference. I think it's just that because the Split Attraction Model is basically unheard of outside of aspec spaces, Allos (here referring to people that are both alloromantic and allosexual) don't think of friendship as something that's coming with attraction. They usually use the word "attraction" to describe a mixture of sexual attraction and romantic attraction, as we aspecs would call it. Therefore, they would not think of anything else as an attraction. (I have never heard any Allo irl use the concept at least)

So even if an Allo would actively search for friends and actively chooses people they not only share some interests with but also vibe well with and think that they're cool etc, they wouldn't say they're attracted to them in a platonic way.

Whereas in the aspec community, this is often already called (mild) platonic attraction. The most common definitions of attraction I've heard can be summed up as "Feeling a specific way about a certain person and wanting to do a specific action / set of actions with said person because of that feeling" and if you're trying hard to apply the situation above to this definition, you actually can; the feeling part is pretty weak, though. But if you let "Wow, this person is so cool, spending time with them makes me happy" count as a feeling (and I think you can), that's platonic attraction. It's probably a mild one as the feelings aren't strong, but still.

The feelings being weak is another thing why I think Allos don't describe it as attraction. Compared to the physical signs that romantic and sexual attraction can cause, it seems like the physical signs of platonic attraction are pretty weak for most people. Descriptions of romantic and sexual attraction I've heard are butterflies in the stomach, faster heartbeat, feeling warm or lots of blushing. I've never heard anything similar when people are describing how they feel about their friends. I'm sure there are people out there who feel that way platonically but that doesn't seem to be the norm.

Personally, I'm aromantic but very much not aplatonic. Yet I struggle to apply the concept of platonic attraction to myself. Yes, I can feel very strongly about my friends but still, I don't think the word "attraction" fully meets it. There were like one or two times where I think that word might've been applicable (though, again, it doesn't feel completely right. I felt a strong desire to be friends with a specific person I didn't know well and really wanted them to like me back; there were other new people who objectively would've been equally good friend options but I didn't feel so strongly about them. However, I didn't have any physical signs. Even though there was an urge, it was still more of a conscious choice. The only thing I ever physically felt in a platonic context was a warmth in my chest but that wasn't really about attraction. I'd rather describe it as the physical consequence of feeling happy and valued and loved.

Attraction is very subjective. Someone might call what I've just told you as attraction, another person might describe it as love and a third might not call it any of that. Those words are just tools to help us communicate our feelings, experiences and desires to each other. Two people can experience the exact same thing and still might use different words when talking about it. And that's okay. Don't force someone to describe their feelings with words they don't want to use for them. If that person doesn't think a word meets what they want to express, they don't have to use it.

And calling someone with normative experiences regarding friendship aplatonic simply because they don't find the word applicable to themselves in that context is weird.

I'm questioning quioromantic, and I was wondering if you could explain the difference in feeling between romantic/ strong platonic attraction? I'm legitimately lost and only have one relationship to go off of

Sorry, I don't apply the concept of platonic attraction to myself! You might be better off asking someone else.

[gummy-dummy]

Hi everyone! This is my first fic on Tumblr, it's just here, for now, I'm excited and kinda nervous too, my native language it's Spanish and I'm trying to be better at English so sorry for the grammars mistakes, I hope you like it, dear reader.

Warnings: Probably bad grammar or mistakes, swearing, mention of knives, mentions of death, kinda cute, kinda soft, confused Dabi, he doesn't know but he a softie.

It was pretty late when Shoto and I started doing our night patrol, it had been 3 months since we graduated from the UA in the hero course, the first 4 of the class were invited to work at Endeavor’s agency, Deku, Dynamight, Shoto and me, Artemis. We were the new pro-heroes with the biggest expectation from the public.

Endeavor wasn't the best at talking but I trust him, also thanks to him I don't have to worry about rent, the agency offered departments near the agency, and the rooms in the agency’s building were comfortable enough, usually, the new group was Split into two for patrol, Deku always had to go with Dynamght, he was the only one who can keep up with Bakugo’s shit, Shoto and me, we already were pretty Good Friends, I even can say we are each other’s confidant, it was a pretty nice night shift together, the absence of noise and people (and Bakugo’s shit), made it go smoothly as always. We are used to talking about everything, in the streets we could say anything, and no one more than us knew what secrets lay between us. There were secrets that Shoto didn’t want his father to know, not that he cares, but just to protect the people that he loved.

The current number one hero thought that the friendship we share will eventually become a love story, but oh boy, little did he know. Shoto had romantic feelings for another hero, I am pretty much the only person that Shoto has physical contact with, hugs and rest on each other shoulders, that's why his dad thinks of us that way. I don’t have family near where we are but the Todoroki family accepted me as one of their own since Endeavor thinks that I and Shoto are together we had to explain to Shoto’s siblings and Mom that he was in love with someone else, they didn’t care at all.

Suddenly the cold wind of the night started to get weird, making the residual trash of the city blow roll in the air, we both started to run there to know what was happening, at the moment we got close enough a black and purple substance started emerging from nowhere, it was a warp, the kind that the League of Villains has Access to, Shigaraki Tomura came out first, being followed by the tall, half-burned popcorn (as Shoto and I like to call him) Dabi, Toga right behind them with other 3 members.

I summoned my light arrows on my bow, I shoot an arrow at the leader and the tall man with black hair just disintegrates it with his blue fire. Like it was nothing.‘What are you doing here?’ Shoto asked the team of villains, Shigaraki just started to laugh ‘We came to get some groceries, what the fuck he is trying to do? Distract us?

I just rolled my eyes and said ‘Yeah well, here, you have something to add to your list I quickly prepared my bow with a new arrow, this time a stronger one, that can’t be destroyed so easily. The amount of power that this one has, with the purple hue and the energy that makes everything feel like an earthquake made the leader of the team look at it with fear in his eyes, Dabi tried to take it with his fire, but nothing happened, the arrow just started to follow all of Shigaraki’s moves, so again the man in front of him tried to catch it with his bare hands, oh what an error was that. The indentation that my arrow left on his right hand wouldn’t heal properly at all, not till I gave the order to my arrow to disappear in the wind.

Dabi just looks at me, while the others started to attack us he just stayed on the side, watching every move I make, (with) Shoto work pretty well with each other, we know our quirks and how to enhance each other's quirks.

There was a lady that appears to be new into the league, I never saw her before, she started to shoot mini grenades from her hand, making me jump to the side to avoid it, one laid between my feet, I didn't notice it until it hit me if that thing blows I die.

I'm going to die here.

The last thing I heard was a scream, Shoto screaming my real name, and then... darkness.

The next thing I know is that I'm in a completely white room, very small, I'm chained to one of the sides of a small bed, being forced to stay seated on the cold floor, if I am in one of the League facilities why they want me here? the murder of a new pro-hero would be an accomplishment by the league, why don't make it while I sleep? it would be something to make all the world feel unsafe, make all the heroes feel in danger. I hear the noise of the door opening, someone calls my name.

Dabi, that jerk, wait he was the one that saved me, at the moment the grenade exploded he just took my arm and yanked me out of the way, and took me in the warp with him.

"Hey Hawkeye!", he looked different than the night of the attack, just with his t-shirt and trousers, not his usual jacket, he looks more laid back than when fighting. He started to look preoccupied while I think how to escape, I'm not responding to him.

"Shit, no, did they do something while I was gone? Hey look at me, can you hear me? oh, these little shits are going to pay, I told them not to touch you" I just roll my eyes and say "What the fuck do you want from me you extra crispy fried ass?" he just stares at me confused for a couple of seconds and says "I'm not- Hey don't talk to me like that I'm your savior, remember? maybe I would let them do things to you, maybe I could take this food and let you starve".

He has a plate in a hand and glass with what appears to be fruit juice on the other. "Why would you feed me? do you know that keeps me alive, right? why didn't you kill me already?" I'm really confused, isn't better to kill someone while they're asleep, or this mother fucker want's to torture me. "That's because I don't want to kill you, dummy hero". Then why did he bring me here? what is the league planning to do to me? so I ask what the league wants from me.

"What makes you think there's a plan behind this?"

"Why else would a fucking villain kidnap a pro-hero if not to use them for something?"

"Well, there's nothing behind this, no one knows why I have you here actually I don't even know why I did it, but you were going to die and I just acted"- oh he should let me die, I'm gonna kick his pretty face when I get the chance.

"What do you want? you know it was going to be easier to kill me while I was unconscious, right?"

"Why do you keep telling me to kill you?"

"This is why"- there's a thing that not a lot of people know about my quirk, the bow, and the arrows are just a form I use it to be more precise, that doesn't mean that's the only thing it does.

With my both hands tied I conjured a little of my energy to make a knife to set me free, I break the cloth that keeps me hand-tied to the bed, throwing a punch at his face, he doesn't move I'm trying to get Dabi down but he is just there, he is not moving or trying to attack me at all, looking at me with sadness in his eyes.

"Hey what the fuck, why don't you attack me? aren't you afraid that I'm going to beat your ass?"- He looks like he is in pain but doesn't fight back.

"I know you could," he says with a sad smirk, what's happening here? by a couple of times, I saw him before he never acted this way.

"Can you please just calm down, let me talk, and I'll let you go if you want"

I intertwined my eyes with him, a beautiful blue, exactly the color of his flames, I don't know why, but I want to hear what he has to say, he looks so sad, but also a little surprised when I sit at the small bed. It looks like he never thought I actually would hear his reasons.

He kicks gently the plate with the food by the side and sits on the little makeshift bed, the bed is so small that we can't avoid our knees touching, he doesn't try to tie my hands again, I could conjure a big weapon, maybe just a simple bat and then scape, I know I can win, so why am I anxious to hear him? he looks at me a couple of seconds, lets out a loud breath, and starts talking.

"Well, when you attacked me, I caught one of your arrows right?" he looks at me and I nodded "Look" he shows me his left hand, inviting me to take his hand on mine.

It's rough, more than calloused, the years of him using his quirk took a lot out of his hands, they were burned, when I touched him I thought it would hurt, but he just opened his eyes a little more in surprise and looked at me again.

"Ok you have your hands burned, what about it? it's your quirk right?" he lets out a little smile that if I wasn't looking at him this close probably would have missed it. "Yeah they're burned, I don't have feeling on them, even if I take something with force or catch anything, can't feel it."

I'm starting to understand what's happening here, but I want him to tell me anyways "Yesterday, when you shot your arrow when I caught it I-"why does he look so nervous? "I felt it, I felt the pain of the arrow, and I felt you, well, your quirk, whatever it is, I just felt your touch"

What I am supposed to say about that?- "I'm sorry?" I say confused "No no it's okay I just want to know how you did it" I don't know why I have the desire to touch him again, I need to help him, he is a villain, a cute one if I say so myself but a villain nonetheless. A villain very dangerous that just wants the world to burn, but look so lost, with the same face you see on a lost child on a Mall

"I don't know, my quirk it's just based on energy, I don't know where it comes from, It just appears when I want to and takes the form I need, I used to lost control over it a lot," I say while moving my fingers letting the violet ribbons go around my hand "Now I can control it using it as weapons, the one that makes me feel more comfortable is the bow and arrow, that way I can control it a little more, but I pretty much can conjure anything" He nodded and looks at my hand.

I show him again, letting a little ball of my energy dance between my fingers and let it go, I made it stay in one of his hands, he started playing with it, like a child with a new toy that was waiting to get for Christmas day, a smile started to appear on his face, not a cruel one, that he usually used, this one was of happiness, he looks handsome, the scars on his face makes him feel unique. I'm not sure what I'm doing till I come back to my senses, I'm catching his face between my hands, he just looks at me surprised.

I run my thumbs right below his eyes, he leans into the touch and closes his blue eyes.

"You know that I can attack you now and escape right?" "I know, but you don't want to do that, I am right?"

He is, he is sure about it and I am too, but why? he probably has me here to lend information about heroes, but he isn't asking anything about it.

"No, I don't want to, why? did you get me drugged or something?" I say smiling at him for the first time "No, Toga tried to get a little bit of your blood but every time she wanted to get a needle into your skin, a purple energy, your energy, surrounded you, Shigaraki wanted to use real knives but I- I didn't let them hurt you, I didn't want them to hurt you".

And to end: this is the first chapter, it's gonna be probably 2 o 3 chapters, I'll probably add some warnings if needed.

Love

Gummy.

[swampgallows]

I used to browse your blog almost daily, but since I realized I was falling out of love with WoW it's been considerably less frequent. I do still occasionally think to myself, "I hope that green haired, orc loving person is doing ok."

On the note of falling out of love with WoW in it's current incarnation, I've been feeling like recommending FFXIV to you. I used to be a very ugly kind of addicted to WoW, and with the way the storyline was driven and the way characters i loved were continuously mishandled it felt a bit like an abusive relationship. I really cared, and it felt like I kept getting punished for caring. It was crazy frustrating. It's been 7 months since I quit and I'm a lot happier with the atmosphere xiv has. I'm still a degenerate mmo junkie, but it is a massive difference in the way people treat one another, the love the devs have for the game, the respect they have for the players, the impressive execution of the main storyline quests(past ARR), and the level of attachment you eventually form with the characters.

I'm not an mmo rehabilitation story by any stretch, but ffxiv has been a mental health boost. Just wanted to forward that good will, regardless of what you end up doing. I wish you the best in everything.

-an anon who was once very confused as to why you like garrosh so much

im glad you're off to greener pastures, but i am not interested in playing final fantasy. there is nothing about the game that appeals to me, and i am most certainly not looking for a replacement mmo.

i play world of warcraft because i enjoy being in the world and among the characters i love; getting as close as i can to being physically present in azeroth is the only reason i play the mmo. i don't care about raiding or dungeons or mount collections or pet battles or any of the other numerous reasons mmos exist. wow is an interactive storybook to me, which is why i chiefly play it for quests and sometimes roleplay. this is also why i detest any kind of spoilers and why the prolific datamining is so frustrating: it undermines the primary reason i play the game. i like seeing the story unfold in its natural progression and pacing, the reveals once i have made progress, and the method of storytelling unique to an interactive medium.

i want to walk into a new zone and feel the impact of its construction, size, color scheme, denizens. to be surprised by new character models as their roles change. to hear the music and sound design and voice acting that is so passionately and meticulously created. there is no point or pleasure in being exposed to it ahead of time without context, and that's nothing to say of the amount of quest and cinematic content that gets leaked and impulsively passed around. to me, blasting oneself with everything beforehand is like reading the sparknotes of a story. and then people wonder why they're disappointed! you're only eating the candy wrapper.

i will say again that i am not interested in a replacement mmo. when the time comes that i must depart wow, it will be for the same reason i first quit--that all of my friends have left and that the world will be emptied of my place within it. i started a new chapter of my life back then and turned my attention to college, and eventually the stars aligned that i could be more physically present in and contribute to the rave scene.

i am 31 years old, and i have been suicidal and languishing in my mental illness for a long time. wow has been my tether through it, but i won't deny it's also been a distraction. when i leave wow, it's hopefully not going to be in the arms of another spiritually-consumptive force like a mmo.

sadly abusive relationships are par for the course for me, and though i did have abusive friendships in my first leg of wow, the worst of my abusive relationships were after i quit. i am hoping by the next time i quit it will be because ive finally found a place and a way to exist on planet earth.

also, final fantasy is ugly as fuck, and not in the way i get from wow. what drew me to warcraft in the first place was that i had the freedom to be an ugly monster living among other monsters, and that we were all a powerful, loving, self-made family of outcasts, much like the rave scene. i am horde for life, regardless of whether or not i play wow or if it even continues to exist. i am not interested in pretending to be something im, essentially, not. ffxiv is too pretty and luminescent and smooth, and that makes it hideous to me. you all look like sparkly-eyed sentient globs of sour cream.

plus... how are you going to recommend me a game with no orcs?

[newhologram]

Anonymous asked: Lol, how is gender divine? Is it because it doesn't exist? For many people, yes. In the same way that the divine doesn't exist for some, gender also doesn't exist. That is the nature of experiential things; some people don't experience it or maybe have a neutral or indifferent experience. It’s something personal for each of us to explore in ourselves via whichever mode of knowing (or identity labels) works for us as individuals, not to be decided or dictated by others trying to force us to believe or interpret ourselves only one way or another, or to say there is only one way it "should" be.

And for some people, that DOES mean gender doesn’t exist in their personal experience or expression at all. I know a lot of agender/gender neutral/gender apathetic people. And on the other end, like me, my sense of my own gender is woven so deeply into every part of my life. Whether I'm in euphoria or dysphoria. Getting in touch with my gender has been deeply healing and I feel that I learn new things every day. This is mirrored in my experience as a "spiritual" person with a very active imagination bordering on dissociation, having fun finding symbolism in the animals that show up in my dreams. Similarly, many of my friends are totally not into anything like that.

This is the beauty of it; the diversity of our programs. I personally don’t think (or experience) divinity, as often conceptualized by many teachings (ugh), is some “higher” thing “out there.” Not something bigger or greater or more powerful than us. That doesn’t make sense to me and I don't care to replicate parental trauma with deities. For me it's always just been the inside that I want to shine on the outside. And honoring my gender, my queerness, my disabilities too, is a big part of it. I think back to the Gods of mythology, who are often depicted nude. Why? Because the divine has nothing to hide.

This is just my own creative interpretation that sprouts a sense of hope to curl around the self-destructive despair that wants to tear itself out of my ribs. Mythology has been useful for processing trauma, being disabled, all my medical stuff, and just finding the "divine" in my day to day life even just forcing myself to go on a quiet morning walk or do chores or push through an agonizing flare up and fever at work because I have no other choice. It's a very Sisyphus Big Mood. My head is in the clouds a lot, but I do unfortunately inhabit a physical form (ow.) Maybe that's part of why ketamine therapy works so well for me? I'm already so primed to love interpreting struggles through the archetypes of Tarot/Planets/Gods/Angels, or even my favorite robots or other characters. I can't not turn to my imagination; the mundane world has not been safe for most of my life. It's starting to be safe for me to exist here and not run away to maladaptive daydreaming like I did from age 5 onward. I'm trying to become familiar with it like Coraline when she realizes that the real world may be dull and boring and lonely at times, but ultimately, it is actually safe. And through her influence, she gets her parents out into the garden, and nurtures beautiful friendships with her neighbors. I will never understand my gender. I will never be able to explain it, not that I need to (unless to convince my doctor for a lil bit of T >.>). It just is what it is and I love so much being able to approach this strange new life I find myself in with curiosity and wonder for each day. Even shitty days. That is what I mean when I say that gender is divine. I don't know that it can be accurately defined or categorized and I think that is the most beautiful thing about it. It's an uncontainable thing. But if for others, gender is not a thing they experience, and it certainly is not divine, that is part of what I love so much too. I don't think we're all meant to experience this the same way, that'd be boring. I love chatting with my nonspiritual friends and getting their perspectives on things. Anyway, it's okay if my gender experience doesn't resonate with you! Because it's mine, not yours. I hope you know that it's okay to feel differently about this stuff.

Maybe gender isn’t something we’re *~supposed~* to totally understand, like all other things divine. 🏳️‍⚧️⚧🦋✨

[cherry-ber]

“You notice how wine makes people wanna feel, like sexy?”

Pairing: idol! Mark Lee x female reader

Plot: Lonesome creeps into everyone's mind, even those who seem to have it all.

Genre: fluff mostly, angst.

Warnings: mentions of alcohol, extremely painful for me to write this since I feel lonely idk if that triggers you too.

A.N: inspired by the first draft of too drunk to fuck and my bff's dependence of wine to exist 😳 this took me 10 hours to write but it might still be pretty shit. And yeah Clueless some how

After a long, long week of continuous recordings, dance practices, re-recordings and photo sessions, all he wanted to do, was sleep for twenty hours straight. He knew that he was a very lucky man, he was really living the dream. Not everyone was able to do what they loved, with people they genuinely liked, and still get payed for it, but he was. He had always been grateful, he knew the real value of things in real life, and sometimes he felt like he didn't even deserve it.

An insane amount of people knew his name, knew him, and constantly made sure that he knew how appreciated he was, but he couldn’t understand it at all. Sure, he proved himself over and over again how great he could be, and he was proud too, but why did people really loved him? Sometimes it's easy to lose yourself, but lately he was struggling even more, he felt lost and unworthy, he felt guilty, even, because he shouldn't feel this way.

Mark was home alone, after his friends went out to have dinner and drinks. He excused himself out of the reunion saying that he would call his parents and then heading straight to the bed. He wasn't lying at all, he did have a small call with his family, and then went to his room, expecting that he'd fall asleep soon and forget about what he was feeling, he was done with that for today.

He played a movie in his computer, knowing that whatever it was, he wasn't paying attention anyway. He hated to admit it, but he felt like he was missing something, rather, someone. He felt ridiculous, knowing how much people loved him, how many friends he had, but he couldn’t help it, he would be lying if he didn't say he could use a little company. Mark was busy most of the time, which, although tiring, was an escape from his loneliness, it was moments like this where he'd have enough time to sink in this small puddle of angsty feelings, that just grew until it was as big as an ocean. He couldn't explain why he felt so bad, he had enough friends to count on, and even when he considered he was only in need of a physical affect, it turned out to not be the answer, even when he masturbated, when he was finished, those feelings were still there. As the movie went on without him noticing, he turned his head to the side, and imagined someone next to him, wearing his clothes and stealing his blanket. He giggles, imagining cuddling someone to sleep, their heat making him feel home. He finally closes his tired eyes with a smile, hoping his dreams will be sweet and last long.

He wakes up in a bad mood, and doesn't really want to talk to anyone, his older friends notice, and decide to let him be, they know that if something is really wrong, he'll come to them eventually. After a quick shower, he decided he needed some privacy, some time alone, despite being scared of being stuck with himself, and went out on his own, ignoring the texts on the group chat, where everyone wondered where he was going. He had breakfast in a small Cafe, went to a movie matinee, an art gallery, a theater play, and then to a mall to buy himself expensive clothes. He had an okay day, and he grew a little bit of joy, finding himself alone and still almost enjoying his time, but mostly, ignoring his mind when he saw a couple, and wished he could have that too. He enters a restaurant, intending to order something take out for his friends, as an apology for being moody and worrying them. He waits stand up next to the door, with a cup of coffee they offered him, until he suddenly turns around after hearing his order being ready, and ceashes with someone as he does. He spilled his drink over his and their clothes. He starts apologizing, but all he gets as a response is a soft, sweet giggle. He looks to the stranger's face, and is met with a fond smile.

��It's okay, go get your food, I can fix myself”

He's caught off guard, and all he can do is shake his head yes and do as he is told, coming back to them, apologizing again.

“I'm such an idiot, I'm so sorry” he's totally embarrassed, and he feels a blush running through his face.

“It's alright, it wasn't your fault”

The stranger walks inside to take a table, and he rushes out, walking back home. That giggle makes its way to his mind a couple times as he arrives.

After eating, he goes to bed, feeling somehow full with himself, but he doesn't know if it was after forcing himself to like him, or if he was so desperate for someone that a small interaction like that would get him sleepless thinking this person would be his person.

On that same week, he founds himself running into that same stranger everywhere. When he goes get coffee with his friends, when they go to buy groceries, when he heads to the studio, and he wonders if he should be worrying, but decides not to.

Surprisingly, he founds her again, when he is entering a new coffee shop, and she walks her way out. He opens the door for her, and is met with her fond smile again, that grows larger as she recalls his face. She mumbles a sweet 'thank you' and keeps walking. Some courage grows inside Mark, and blurts out whatever his brain was fast enough to say.

“Thanks for not spilling that coffee back” the young lady finds the sentence, although awkward, funny, and turns back to him to reply.

“Maybe I should pay for your coffee, though, you were enjoying it until I crashed into you” Her melodic voice is enough to put Mark in a trance, and loses control of what he's doing, disconnecting from his awkward self.

“Actually it was my fault” he giggles remembering how sweet she was, even after Mark probably just ruined her day “Did you get a horrible stain?”

She walks closer to him, small steps that make his heart beat faster.

“It wasn't horrible, I wouldn't say that, it was just, slightly bad”

“I don't want to be a weirdo, are you busy right now? I could use some chatting, and I really owe your laundry money”

She was never an outgoing person, but she was flattered by his proposal. She was meeting someone, but she figured it wouldn't be important enough to not cancel.

“I would love that, but you owe me nothing” she giggles and walks beside him into an empty table.

“I'm Mark, by the way”

“I know that” she laughs it off, attempting for things not to be awkward “My name is Y/N”

It was only after several months, that Mark found himself, again, over thinking about how lonely he was, and how desperate he was for it to end. Whenever he had the chance, he'd spend time with his new friend, and for some weeks, thats was enough, until he realized that, all she wanted from him, was a friendship. His friends noticed, too, how after a while, that wasn't enough for him, but he was terrified he'd lose her, but they'd often try to help him out in whatever way other men would think was best, teasing her when she was at the dorms, insinuating how cute of a couple they'd be, and shamelessly asking if by any chance, she'd have feelings for him, never really giving away Mark's crush on her, not explicitly at least.

One afternoon, when they were all watching a movie together, when suddenly, Johnny and Taeyong convinced everyone to go out and have dinner, even after Mark suggested they just called the restaurant, because he was too tired to go out.

“Oh” Taeyong said, grabbing his keys and putting on a hat “then you can stay here with Y/N and order something and we can take our time”

The girl was a little disappointed, she loved spending time with the other guys two, but she agreed, knowing that Mark wouldn't want be convinced to leave the couch.

She sees then leave, and turns around to look at her friend, somehow aware of what his friends were trying to do; leave them alone, after last night they discussed Mark should just accept the reject, and confess. The boy asked, pleaded and begged them not to leave them alone, after he opened up about his feelings, but of course, his friends thought they'd know better.

“Can you order pizza while I take a shower?” his attention called back to where he was, as the sweet woman walked into the living room, with a bottle of wine and two cups. Mark chocked in his spit, when the thought of her showering, and how much he'd love to enter the scene, crossed his mind.

“Yeah, sure” he watched her walking away “Do you want some clothes?”

“Well, if I could steal one of your hodies tonight, I wouldn't mind”

He does as he's asked, calling a pizzeria and taking off his hoodie, hoping that she'd appreciate the smell of his cologne, that he wears only when she's coming around.

When she comes out, wearing her jeans and tank top, he throws the sweater at her, she puts it on and sits in the couch next to him, ready to start eating, reaching out for the bottle to serve them a cup after the first bite.

“I don't want to drink that” he'd never been a fan of alcohol, he knew he could use a boost, but he was still afraid of it.

“Huh? Why is that?”

“I don't drink wine” She recalled how he'd often drink with Johnny and her, whenever Johnny wanted to open a bottle, which happened quite often, but decided not to insist, although she did pour a cup for herself.

Mark, and any other men, really, always wondered what could she be thinking about, she was wild, energetic, but calmed and peaceful, she was always kind, but wouldn't hesitate to start a fight if to defend herself or someone else, she was never scared, but she was sensitive and fragile. He couldn't help the sigh that left his body, remembering why he had feelings for her in the first place. He knew how much she'd hate to be in a relationship, they had already discussed it, after some girl confessed to Mark, and she mentioned how relationships to her were useless, since she got all the love she wanted from her friends, and that way, she made sure that all the love she gave was reciprocal. When he told his manager about his feelings, expecting him to give him helpful advice, he just told him to forget about her. “women like her are too complicated, it's not worth it”. He wondered then, how many other guys would think the same, and refused to be one of those.

They were both full, and cuddling in the couch, she was sipping her second cup, when Mark suddenly poured a cup for himself too, and drank it in one large sip. He felt a rush through his body, his face flustered, and a numb sensation in his limbs. He was trying to keep himself still, but the sudden alcohol in his body made him bubbly and the woman next to him realized. The cheesy romcom that was playing on the back made him giggle in every other scene, and with every minute that went by, he felt looser and looser. He served another cup and drank it just as fast as the first one. Soon, he found himself leaning towards the body that sat next to him. Y/N pat her thigh, inviting Mark to rest his head there, which he did, while fidgeting with his fingers.

“You notice how wine makes people wanna feel, like sexy” he lets out in a serious tone.

Giggly, his friend shakes her head no, and places her cup in the table in front of them. “Do you feel like sexy?”

He sits himself back, eyes wide open, same serious expression in his face.

“I guess so?” he laughs at how dumb he must sound “I feel... Jiggly”

Her sweet, loud laugh fills the room, and Mark is proud of himself for making her so happy.

“Love, you should go to sleep already” he feels his face hotter and hotter, and can only imagine how red he must be “you were already tired, I'll clean up and meet you in your room-”

Mark bursts out of his bubble and speaks

“Don't do that” he says softly, as if he was genuinely hurt by her words “Please, don't do that”

Worried, Y/N walks closer to him, “Do what?”

He looks down to his feet, feeling tears forming in his eyeballs, product of his low alcohol tolerance, and his overall emotional state. “Dont call me love. You don't love me”

She reaches for his hands, attempting to make him look straight at her eyes “Of course I love you Mark”

“Not the way I want you to”

She had never been good with other people's feelings, especially romantic feelings, she had a hard time catching indirects.

“In which way is that?” hesitant, Mark stares at her for a couple seconds, before staring at her lips, too numb to do better, he grabes her chin and pulls her closer to him, a sweet, slow kiss surprising her as much as himself. When he pulls away and expects a response of any kind, all she can do is try to look at him.

“Oh, Mark” she finally manages to say “is this the way you feel?” he nods, still nervous but hopeful that she'll feel the same “You're drunk, go to sleep” she turns around as she cleans as quick as she can, as mark makes his way to his room, or to the first room he sees open.

Before the other men living in the dorms arrive and ask questions that she doesn't want to answer, she leaves, leaving a post it note in the fridge for Mark”

“Drink water and have a painkiller,

I had to go home. Thanks for the wine

-Y/N”

Too many weeks after, Mark calls her phone one more time before he enters the dorms, wondering if he had really done the worst thing in the world, for her to ghost him like that. He let a tired sigh out, grateful that he was home alone again. He goes to his room, ready to sleep for as long as he can, but when he opens the door, the lights are on, and in his bed sits what could be only described as an angel, beautiful as always, smiling and kind Y/N, with a cup of wine in her delicate hands, and another one on his nightstand, that she offers him as he's taking off his shoes and sweater.

With pain and regret in her eyes, as he's taking the first sip, she attempts to break the silence. “You ever notice how wine makes people feel sexy?”