#because i'm seeing so many red flags i didn't see before because i way too trusting

[pandoa]

i logged back into an abandoned account on a different site out of curiosity and seeing messages that were sent to you when you were still a child new to the internet is so surreal...

to anyone reading this, please be careful and mindful of who you speak to online. be careful of what information you tell them. if someone makes a comment that makes you uncomfortable, don't just ignore it or brush it off like it's nothing. block them, report it, do anything that ensures your safety—especially if you are a minor. stay safe both online and irl. protect yourself.

[go-fornicate-yourself]

Every day I am in the trenches fighting for my life defending this poor man. He was going through so much and people online demonize him and say he's as bad as his abuser

(I've got a lot of thoughts about this so I'll make sure to separate things to make it easier to look at lol)

Curly is a victim of abuse. Jimmy is his abuser. This is something that I feel a lot of people tend to brush over or don't acknowledge it often.

And I'm not just talking about post-crash. Jimmy's abuse of Curly is there pre-crash too. The party scene where the crew learns about the company going under is a huge example of this. Jimmy verbally abuses him, he gaslights him, he blames him for their (his) misfortune. Jimmy accuses Curly of thinking he's better than everyone (better than him), that he doesn't care about them (about him). That he's going leave them (leave him). Which is not true. Curly tries to explain himself but Jimmy shuts him down and he just takes it.

The fact that he just allows this to happen makes it seem like he's used to this... That this kind of behavior is a recurring thing with Jimmy. And the fact that nobody else tries to defend him or stands up to Jimmy just normalizes it for him. When Anya tells Curly what Jimmy did it catches him off guard. Bc he genuinely didn't think that his friend was capable of that. It wasn't something that was obvious to him. There were absolutely many red flags in the past but they were subtle enough for him to not see them bc he cares for Jimmy, he trusts him. Jimmy's the only one he feels he can open up to, who he can let his guard down with. Jimmy's his home. That's how close they are.

Because of this deep love for his friend and the subtlety of Jimmy's cruelty, he doesn't see the constant verbal and emotional abuse as what it is: abuse. Which is why he finds Jimmy's abuse towards Anya so shocking and jarring.

He isn't a man covering for his rapist friend bc of the 'bro code'. It does look like that from a certain angle and it's understandable why people see it that way but that's not what his character is really about as much as it makes sense otherwise.

He's essentially a battered housewife who's still in love with her husband but is realizing for the first time that the man she loves is a monster. That the man she loves and devoted her life to has been hurting her this whole time and she didn't even realize it. That the man she loves and spent so much of her life caring for has gone and hurt someone else. That he's most likely hurt others before and she's been utterly unaware of it the entire time she defended him and made excuses for him when he wasn't the best or the fairest or the most responsible or when he screwed up yet again solely bc of how much she loved and cared for him.

And Curly barely had any time to process ANY of that before Jimmy decided to try and kill them all to avoid the consequences of his actions. It was ultimately a selfish act even if he thought he wasn't just doing it for himself. Jimmy is selfish and needs to be in control or he loses it. He cares for Curly. He loves him. Curly's done so much for him. Curly's the only one who understands him, who doesn't hate him. Curly's his home. He resents how 'successful' he is but that's only bc he thinks so highly of him. He constantly puts himself down and put Curly on a pedestal and worships him while simultaneously mistreating him.

He treats his best friend like shit, he's awful to him. But he's not aware that this is the case or maybe he's in denial about it. He can't or just refuses to see how he's doing all of what he does for himself in the end. He justifies his attempt to kill them all (to himself and to Curly) by claiming he's doing this for them both. That if they were to get back to earth it would all be Curly's fault, that it'll ruin his life and career... despite the fact he had basically nothing to do with Anya's abuse. Jimmy's shifting the blame on him while acting like he cares for him. Well, he does genuinely care for him but clearly not nearly enough to not mistreat him or use him as a scapegoat for his own guilt.

Jimmy is the rapist, Jimmy is the one who does all of these horrible things. And yet it's highly likely that Curly would just blame all of it on himself bc that's exactly what Jimmy did to him. He's in so deep he can't see the facts of the situation.

It takes abuse victims so long to come to terms with their abuse. It takes time and reflection to see things with an unbiased and healthy perspective. Abuse (especially years of it) isn't just something you can just escape. It consumes you and can twist your reality. Curly had about a week or less to process all of it and then take action in a way that protected his crew and abided by Pony Express' guidelines. Dealing with something this serious in a setting that makes resolving it extremely difficult in a practical sense is already hard.

There were no locks on any of the doors except for medical and the cockpit. They couldn't just kill him. There was nowhere they could detain Jimmy that wouldn't involve corporate potentially penalizing the entire group. They could have used the cryopods but then there'd only be three available for any actual emergency and there were already five crew members and four pods in total. Also, I doubt corporate would be 'okay' with them using the cryopods for anything other than their intended purpose. Hell, even if they were able to make it back to earth without any incidents there's a good chance that corporate would consider the situation 'poor team synergy' and collectively punish the entire crew for Jimmy's actions.

So on top of having to deal with an already difficult situation, Curly has to grapple with the realization that Jimmy a: abused Anya, b: has been abusing him as well (for a very long time too), and c: has probably abused others before Anya and he had no idea about it. He needed to act but he didn't and it doomed all of them.

But it's so unrealistic (maybe even cruel) to put that much pressure on someone, force them through an utterly earth-shattering realization, and then expect them to do the correct/right/responsible thing in that moment. It's a little ironic how people vilify him for that when other characters do the same thing that nobody blames for it.

Anya is the ship's nurse. Curly is the ship's captain. They both have duties and responsibilities on board the Tulpar. She has to keep the crew healthy and safe and is the only one with enough medical knowledge to do so. He has to make sure that everything goes well and goes according to procedure. He's responsible for the crew, the cargo, and even the ship itself. Both positions are integral and require a lot of responsibility to do properly

They're both put through distressing and traumatic situations where due to them being human people with emotions and fears that make them essentially avoid their responsibility/doing what's required of them.

Curly has a freeze response and doesn't act when he should have when it was crucial to have done so. Anya has a fawn response and essentially puts her patient in danger and harm's way. She knew full well what Jimmy was capable of. She experienced it herself and she witnessed it happening to Curly as well. And yet she allows Jimmy to be alone with Curly while being fully aware of how dangerous he is. Which she shouldn't have, that wasn't the 'right' thing to do. Keeping him safe was her responsibility.

But Anya's human. She's going through a lot at the moment. She's terrified of Jimmy and she's trying to appease him so he doesn't hurt her again. It's a natural very understandable thing to do even if it's not the 'right' or 'responsible' thing. They failed each other when they needed each other most and I think that's the most tragic part of it. If anything, all of them failed each other in some way, shape, or form.

So it's incredibly frustrating to see people give Anya so much sympathy and grace for doing something so human yet still 'wrong' but then turn around and give Curly none of that for doing essentially the same thing she does.

I don't know for sure if it's actually because Curly is a man or if it's only part of it or maybe some people just lack that sense of awareness but it's depressing and frustrating as fuck as a male victim of sexual violence and abuse to see this kind of behavior and this much victim blaming towards a character who is undeniably a victim of abuse like I am.

[gguk-n]

Grand Prix Morning (Oscar Piastri x Reader)

Congratulations Oscar on his first win!!

Summary- After watching the Hungarian GP and seeing Oscar apologise after his first win, you wish you could make him feel special and that he deserved it. So, you go to bed and wake up on the day of the GP!

{Reader's POV}

I wasn't sure if I should be happy or sad right now. Oscar Piastri just won his first race in Formula One and in his second season. That was such a proud moment until you remember the actual shit McLaren pulled on their drivers. I had been watching the race today, Oscar was pretty good in the beginning and being his fan I obviously hoped that this was the race he finally got his first win. But after the pit stop and Lando leading I didn't think possible; until I heard the radio message. I had mixed feelings. I rejoiced watching Oscar cross the chequered flag. But then I heard his message, apologising. It broke my heart into a million tiny pieces. But what could I do? My voice would be a tiny whisper in the sea. I shut my TV off, not in the mood to watch any of the post race stuff; because I felt bad for Lando too. I couldn't bear sitting through the interviews. So, I made myself some dinner, watched a rom-com to get my mind of things and went to bed, earlier than usual. I would deal with my emotions tomorrow.

Now when you normally sleep, you expect to wake up in your own bed, as an adult at least. When you were kids, that was a different story. My eyes were adjusting to the dimly lit room and a figure in front of me, walking around the room as quietly as possible. The room looked like a hotel room and the figure in front of me was Oscar Piastri. "Oscar" I said out loud. "baby, did I wake you up?" he asked like a deer caught in headlight. "No" I replied tentatively. Was this a dream? Was I this sad that this is how I was coping? "What's the time?" I asked reaching for the lamp. "It's 6 am. I'm gonna get some exercise done before I head to the paddock" he said while tying up his shoe lace. "I'll come with you when you leave for the paddock" I stated; scared to be alone where ever I was. "Sure babe" he replied, striding up to my side of the bed, leaning down and leaving a peck on my lips before whispering a bye against my lips and heading out.

My brain had short circuited. Oscar Piastri kissed me and called me terms of endearment. This has to be a dream but those pink lips were so real, warm and slightly dry and peeling. The way his hand cupped my cheek when he pecked me, the warmth still lingering against my skin. I reached for my phone to check what weekend it was; to my surprise it was the Hungarian Grand Prix today. The race Oscar won, maybe I'm here to wrong the right. I quickly showered and got dressed. If I got to be a WAG even for a day, I was gonna enjoy it. I wore a pretty coral midi dress. As I sat there in the room waiting for Oscar to return, a smile etched on my face as I went through my gallery.

We had been dating for a while, since his F2 days. He was all the bit romantic as I imagined him to be. My parents loved him, his parents loved me. This felt like a fairytale. There was one problem, Oscar would probably know that I was someone else and not his 'girlfriend'. I don't know how this version of me acted. The jig would be up so soon.

Oscar walked through the room, all sweaty and red from the work out. "Lemme shower and then we'll get breakfast" he said not even looking up while taking his shoes off. The moment his eyes travelled up from my legs to my face, a smirk plastered across his face. "You look gorgeous" he said almost breathless. I couldn't help but giggle. "You look hot" I replied. "Only for you" he shrugged. I felt the heat rise up from my cheeks. "Can't believe I can still get you this flustered, even after so many years" he smiled with amusement. I got up from where I was sat, "You'll get me flustered even when I'm an old lady" I muttered. "That's the plan" he grinned.

A freshly showered Oscar was proving to be the bane of my existence like out of the gym Oscar was. I wanted to jump him, but it didn't feel right and I wasn't taking advantage of him like this. The way to the paddock was filled with casual talk. Who knew Oscar could talk. At the paddock, we greeted the other drivers and fans we saw along the way. The McLaren hospitality was bustling with both pole and P2 starts were McLaren's. I tried to speak to their race engineers to gauge the strategy but I wasn't allowed. I even tried to talk to Lando and Oscar about the race, but they were busy discuss the details amongst themselves to pay much attention. I spent the majority of my time trying to figure out what I was supposed to do to change the scenario. I wanted Oscar to win but not with the mess McLaren created.

As the race progressed, like I had watched it play out. I realised, I wasn't meant to change the process or outcome. I was just here because I hoped and prayed to be able to comfort Oscar and celebrate his win like I hoped he was supposed to enjoy his first win. I watched McLaren fuck it up whilst I stood there next to him. I heard Oscar apologise for the second time, shattering my heart again. I rushed to see Oscar with the staff in tow. Oscar got out of the car and looked around, our eyes met. He came running with his helmet in hand, "I won" he whispered, only for me to hear. "I saw" I replied with tears in my eyes. "I'm so proud of you. You've come so far Oscar. You're the Hungarian Grand Prix winner, don't apologise for your win whatever it may be" I whispered. Oscar's face inches from mine, his eyes glistening with tears at what I said, "I love you, Y/N Y/L/N" he said out loud while wrapping his free arm around my waist and pulling me in for a kiss. The kiss was a mixture of tears and sweat, since the two of us had started crying. I cupped his cheeks, deepening the kiss, our emotions were all over the place. "Go and get your trophy, I'll wait for you" I said while pulling away from the kiss. "Be right back" he grinned and left to get weighed.

The podium celebration was bitter sweet, but I was not gonna let this over shadow his win and do what I was here for. I quickly got flowers delivered to the hotel and some sweets. I waited for Oscar to be done with the media and stuff while scrolling through my phone. The discourse was on another level, but the pictures of me and Oscar kissing were circulating every where. I wish I could take this back with me. Oscar's mum called and we were on the phone for a while. My parents called us to congratulate him as well. It felt so weird to hear Oscar was my boyfriend.

Oscar found me in his drivers room. "There's my grand prix winner" I stated. Oscar wrapped his arms around my waist, lifting me up in the process. My hands stabilised myself on his shoulders. "I'm so happy we got to celebrate this together" he mumbled against my skin. "Me too" I muttered. "By the way, your mum called. You should talk to her later" I said urging Oscar to put me down. "Are you angry with me?" he asked, placing me on the ground. "What? no" I replied. "You've been calling me Oscar or nothing at all the whole day. I didn't think much of it before but now you said your mum when you normally say mum" I was caught off guard, "It's nothing like that" I tried to diffuse the situation. "My mum texted me too about your win and yours called. I just wanted to clarify" I said. "Oh" he hummed. "Now, let's go. Let's have a Oscar Piastri worthy celebration" I continued. "Like what" he asked. "Dinner in bed and a movie of your choosing." I answered. "Finally, I get to choose." he laughed.

We got back to the hotel, where there were quite a few flowers. I may have gone over board. We entered the room which looked like a botanical garden at this point. Oscar smiled taking the scene in. "For me" he whispered. "For you" I whispered back. "I wanted to show you how much I love you and how proud of you I was. This is just a small token of my happiness Osc" I said. "You're the reason Lando calls me Osc. Find a new nickname. I don't like sharing it with him. But thank you for this" he remarked. "Sure darling" I announced. He walked through smelling all the flowers. We spent the rest of the night watching a movie Oscar had picked and eating our hearts content.

I was scared to fall asleep, what if I woke up back where I was supposed to be. What if this 'reality' ceased to exist? As my eyes got heavy, keeping them open was a task. Oscar had started succumbing to sleep having switched the TV off. "Thank you for making my day even more special then it was." He mumbled. "Thank you for letting me show how loved and appreciated you are. I love you Oscar. Today, tomorrow and always." I whispered kissing his forehead; letting sleep take me. If I woke up back in my world, so be it. At least I made Oscar's day.

When my eyes opened to the bright sun shining from my window, no Oscar in sight. A silent tear fell from my eye. I wiped it away. Happy that at the very least I was able to heal my heart, and maybe his in another universe.

my heart wanted to write this for a while

[purpledemonlilyposting]

Does that mean you’ll still react to Lily’s bad media takes? Because honestly, between what you, Ant and Crim (whom I understand doesn’t want to part take in the Lily Slop anymore, I respect) have accomplished by calling Lily out and her actively attacking you guys helps shows her true colors, especially when she was falsely striking y’all. It has affected Lily’s channel, her views have been at an all time low and I’m sure that’s hurting her financially too.

You guys also helped a lot of people realize how toxic Lily can be and how she constantly talks nonsense. Not too mention with her crimes, Lilly is a walking red flag with all the high intimacy siblings stuff that it goes into her work, she has a clear pattern of behavior that always links back to the crimes against her. Girl is having coffee at the screen of the crime but weaves so many lies to deny it that she can’t keep her story straight.

My heart goes out to Courtney and wishing her justice, but you guys dissecting Lily’s lack of media literacy has also help spread more awareness of her having no authority over anything as well as damaging her views. So while I understand not wanting to talk over or for victims, you’ve all still contributed awareness of how dangerous Lily can still be.

Well if Lily is dumb enough to do a video on Dragon Age you bet I will. But even my audience is losing interest in her, she didn't even come close in my last poll about what they want my next react stream to be.

I had a stream before Lily, it was just on Twitch, and I'm not going to apologize for seizing the opportunity handed to me when I suddenly found myself with a new audience and a new income stream on YouTube.

I've been very transparent from the start that I'm an entertainer first and foremost and ill-equipped to speak in depth on the crimes I believe Lily is guilty of.

But I also can't ignore them. So I keep on her ass with this sideblog full of receipts. I mention the gross shit she's said and done every stream on her. Ant and I have been trying to get YouTube to take her copyright system abuse seriously which could terminate her channel.

But beyond direct legal action all the rest of us can do is keep calling attention to what a degenerate she is, annoy her, point out what a shit content creator she is in the first place, and chip away at her reputation. Sue me that I want to have fun along the way with the skillset I do have.

And not to toot my own horn but she's dropped over 2,000 subs since I came on the scene.

You will be seeing edits of past Lily streams coming out though. I'm starting to pay editors to help me with that. 😁

[violetszone]

Fight and Crash

Pierre Gasly x fem!reader

From this request

Summary: You had a silly fight with Pierre before the race and he crashed at the race.

WARNINGS: not edited writing, quick end

You didn't usually argue with Pierre, and the beauty of your relationship impressed many people in the paddock.But these days, for some reason, there was a cold and tension between you.

And whatever you did you were pissing each other off.Talking to one of the mechanics in Pierre's garage before the race was the topic of argue today because Pierre was implying that the boy was hitting on you, and you were just trying to be nice to that person.

But Pierre got very angry with you about this, and you continued to talk to that boy in the garage, a little out of spite, and you didn't even look at Pierre when he got into the car. Even though the cameras didn't see it, you got into a very fierce fight inside.

After Pierre got out of the garage with his car, you turned away from the boy and focused on the race.There was no problem at the beginning of the race, Pierre was very fast, and he was taking the best laps he could ever do with this car.

But for a moment something happened and before you could understand Pierre hit the barriers hard and you looked at the screen in shock everyone was surprised and the red flag was seen.

All of a sudden, the voices around you were blurred,attendant next to you was telling you something, but you were just looking at the screen, you couldn't even perceive it.

Someone pulled you aside and made you come back to yourself, you were fine even though you were still in shock.You said you wanted to see Pierre as soon as possible, but they just told you that they took him out of the car, that the paramedics were there and that you had to wait.

It was almost like death 15 minutes passed, everything was running through your mind, you felt like you were going to lose your mind.Finally an attendant took you to the place where Pierre was.

Pierre was lying on the gurney with a serum on his arm, he looked fine even though he had a few bruises on his body, he smiled when he saw you.You said "God you scared me stupid" and covered your face with your hand, you were seriously upset and you were so scared for him

Pierre laughed and reached out with his non-serum arm and took your hand "The doctor said that my girlfriend should hug me for me to heal, otherwise my heart can't take any more damage"

You hit his arm with anger and then you hugged him in a way that doesn't hurt him."I was really scared I'm sorry we had a fight it was my fault" Pierre shook his head, "No, I was guilty too, now forget it, I'm fine"

You caressed his cheek and smiled "When your serum is finished, let's take you to the hotel and sleep" he smiled "I just need you to get well my love".The argument between the two of you could have lasted this long your love for each other always outweighed

[livvy-fallen]

To add from my last post. (I'm so sorry it took so long:( I'm trying my best to get it to you guys as soon as possible)

Yandere obey me when MC goes to the past

I'm so sorry it took a while. It got deleted as my cousin was messing around and then it wouldn't save .

Warning! This fic contains: blood, yandere stuff, cannibalism and maybe dead dove no clue! But it has disturbing subjects matters

You have been warned

People say rose tinted glasses make red flags look like just normal flags... And now your wondering how many glasses you owed.

You never really thought about how the brothers habits we're.... Let's say a red flag parade.But now you wish you realized you need to disappear and put Houdini to Shame. At first it was nothing big. A few comments from Mammon. Nothing you couldn't handle.

"Hey! Don't be going out ! I'm your first you should be spending time with me!...be grateful that The great Mammon wants to spend time with ya!"

And

"Your just asking for any lower demon to just take ya! "

Then your stuff keept on going missing. It probably wasn't just that stupid, greedy demon who was doing so but he differently was in first place for it!

Then you noticed your few friends from RAD are gone... Like that really nice succubus you were friends with. She was so nice to you always there to help you with anything. You never saw again after you said you were hanging out with her to the brothers! You were the last person to see her alive. You had to hold her funeral. You could bearly keep it together at said funeral. You never cried so hard.

You still keep a picture of her and your friend group hidden in your room. You know dam well if the brothers find it.... You don't want to think about it..

Now you wish you never made that STUPID pact with him or any of them! You couldn't of even go outside without them trying to drag you back in!

Then you saw Mammon killing one of your few friends left... The way their blood dripping making a horrible wet sound as it hit the floor. The way you could see the blood drip out of his mouth! The way he had a stupid grin on his face! You saw the poor demons insides put on display.... The poor demon was still alive! And they looked so scared... You don't blame them...... The way their life was ended by one loud stomp! And you saw the blood splatter every in a certain distance. You threw up.. Like a large amount of throw up... It didn't help you saw that bastards hand grab something.... You don't want to know what. But you then... You heard a loud chomp. And him sallowing...... You saw the insides dangling out of his mouth.... The blood still dripping.. ...

It's been.... You don't even remember..... Since then...

"I'm sorry but you made me do it. Now you have a ugly scar on your once beautiful face... But I still love you!"

You still have have a scar from trying to escape amso....its not even that noticeable from far way but he won't let you live it down! You hate all of those 7 fuckers!

You tried everything! You even used your pacts.. You managed to get away for 2 weeks and back to the human realm before Lucifer found you... You don't even know how! You dyed your hair,changed your name! you changed everything... But you think the pact is way too strong of that....

You took away to many showers after you got brought back.. You still have nightmares about it but you rather die a horrible death then tell them that..you wish that you stayed dead!

So when you got brought back to the past you were actually happy... Because they don't even remember you!! Meaning no more yandere!! You gladly took that deal and ran with it..

However the brothers didn't take it so well.... You escaped their grasp and this time they have no way getting you back!

Lucifer

He is pissed. Not only did he lose his darling. That shady wizard bitch is getting to be all yours! His anger wasn't obvious at first glance due to his pride. But if you look closely you can see how he is inraged. His coal black wings were puffed out like an upset cat. Last time he was this angry he ended up with Satan. He looking for anything that can get you back. And once you do come back he's never letting you out of his sight again. If your able to walk after you go back it's a miracle. All though the Demonus companies are really thankful. They haven't seen so much profit in the start of its production! But at the same time he feels like a failure of an oldest brother. He isn't there for his baby siblings. He feels like a failure of his family. He's watching his siblings ruin themselves. He needs to be strong for them... But he just can't bare the pain of you no longer there. The pain of knowing dam well that you could be hurting and no one is there to wipe away your tears and to pick you up. Just like how you did with his family

Mammon

Oh boy... Where do I start? He is absolutely devastated! His Human, treasure his everything is gone and probably in danger! And you just want him to except that?! (Yes. Yes we do) if he can do anything he will! If Solomon comes back with a single scratch on your perfect body he is going to regret the day his mother had to give birth to him. Mammon is using EVERY connection he has to see if they can help. Before they knew you were in the past he was the first one out the door looking for you. And we all know he isn't going to make the same mistake again. I hope you enjoyed going to the bathroom alone. Because when you get back you NOT having that again. He also is picking up the slack because of Lucifer. Mammon is the second oldest and he CAN NOT deal with the image of his siblings in pain. He cares for them. So even if gets insulted, hit and hissed at by his brothers he doesn't care as long as they aren't upset as much.

Leviathan

He's not very happy. Is all I can really say? But because of his crippling self worth issues he's saying stuff like "of course they wouldn't want to be around a yucky otaku like me" and similar stuff.. It's a little depressive. But don't be fooled if you think he isn't lashing out at everything. He nearly damaged his figures in a fit of rage once. If that doesn't show how upset he is then what does? He is the general of hell's Navy so one wrong comment from a lower demon and their swimming with Lotan

Satan

Avatar of wrath so you can guess how he is dealing with this.. Not very fucking well. He has destroyed so much of the devildom it's common practice for demons to be jumping over creators just to go to school. His room is worse for wear. It looks like a war happened in there. He is reading every single book he can about this subject so he can get you back faster but every dead end only leads to a ruined building. However most of his wrath also steams from the fact he knows how he was back then. He's worried that he will hurt you. All though he harsh with punishments he isn't very found of the idea of you getting killed by his wrath

Asmo

Asmo isn't recognizable. At all. His hair is greasy from not showering or bathing for long times.. His eyes red and puffy for crying his eyes out, lips cracked from not drinking water. He spends most of his time sleeping. He didn't get how belphi could sleep all the time but now he does. All mirrors are broken in the house. He couldn't stand seeing himself in the mirror. Not only are you gone ( he thinks your scared without them and crying without them to which your definitely not. You celebrated the second you were free) but so is Solomon! And no one other then him is there for you! That Shady sorcerer.. What if you get a scar! What if you don't drink water? (The call is coming from inside the house I swear-) what if a stupid lust demon tries to take you?! Their scent on you definitely is gone by now! He has his good days though! If he realized that you could be back soon he has to look the best! So he washed his hair and everything else, did a face mask his daily routine and put a lot of chap stick on. Just in case you're back at that day! It usually lasts for a week until he gets upset.

Beelzebub

Beel is trying to keep his family together. He's trying his very best. But he just can't always do so. He's the protector of this family. He always has been but he doesn't feel like he should anymore.. After all not only did he failed to protect Lilith. He couldn't even protect you! He I'd having nightmares after nightmares about his failures of not protecting his family to the point belphegor often goes to his beloved twin's dreams to try to put a good dream in his mind. His appetite is all over the place! One day he eats everything like normal then the next day he can't actually eat anything. It worries his other siblings. Another thing is he keeps food for you just in case you're back. He has no clue if your eating correctly! Your way from the people who protect you. Your probably so scared! (Your really not-) so he keeps food he just in case for you. No one is allowed to throw it away though... So when or IF you come back ignore the moldy rotten food. You know during the early lessons while belphi was in the attic? It's like that. Demons are pact animals pretty much and beel is the biggest family man know to man. So he was destroyed and don't get me started how he feels thinking that if he was just there with you, you would be safe and there with them. You know when you called for Beelzebub in the past because of the apples he felt that but not 100% . He felt you call for him to help you. He didn't know if he actually did in the past. He has no clue if you got hurt because HE wasn't there for you. He wasn't there to pick you up and save you

Belphegor

He is PISSED to say the least. Not only did you get out if their grasp there's no guarantee that your coming back let alone safe! The one day they let you lock yourself in your room and didn't join you is the time you were taken away by someone. That is NEVER happing again. Hope you enjoyed having a door because that is coming straight off. His sleep schedule is so off wack. One day he sleeps for 23 hours and only getting up because Beel is making him eat. Beel be dammed if he loses another loved one. But the next 3 days he isn't sleeping. He is only sleeping when beel put sleeping pills in his food. Belphi is now never leaving Beel's side. Not like Beel was letting him leave longer than 30 minutes. Belphi isn't very found of the idea that your in the past for MANY reasons but one main one is because the simple fact. You went to the past where Lilith's death was fresh. His hate for humans were so strong. He already killed you once he doesn't want to lose you again.

While all this is happening your living the life that the brothers ripped away from you. So when your looking for books about Nightbringer and when Mammon freaks out... All you get are flashbacks. You feel the pain of the brothers keeping your away from everything and everyone. The pain of knowing if you left the family alone you wouldn't of been hurting... You wouldn't of had to buried your friends bodies... You wouldn't of had to cry at a locked door begging to be let out. Only for an hour in the human realm... You missed your family... All that comes back and you can't hold it anymore. You sob your eyes out. Your crying on the floor as everyone fights... Because you know if you stay any longer it will happen again.. "To hell to this family! FUCK THIS FAMILY! LET THEM DEAL WITH THEIR OWN SHIT!" Is what your mind is yelling at you as you hold your arm. This family will be the death of you... Not like they will let you die...

[folkookie97]

❝ twisted in bedsheets ❞ — jjk

— PAIRING: ex boyfriend!jungkook x female!reader

— SUMMARY: ❝ An affair with your ex who's your children's dad isn't a good idea. Especially when he's about to get married. ❞

— TYPE: angst | non-idol!au

— WORD COUNT: 2,617

— WARNINGS: Past/Secret relationship, Cheating, Coparenting, Husband!Taehyung, Jungkook has a fiancée, Mention of (2) Unplanned Pregnancy, Slight Toxic!relationship, Curses, Sad/Open(?) ending, Inspired by August & Illicit Affairs (Taylor Swift), Mention of brother!Namjoon, Mention of Marriage Convenience, Argument

— NOTES: i hope u like it <3 happy birthday to our bunny

— RELEASE DATE: September 01, 2023

— CROSSPOSTING: ao3

Forgiveness is inevitable for our individual evolution. It's necessary in any religion or even in psychology, which emphasizes the importance of that attitude and feeling so that we can have a better life.

Could that be the reason why things were so complicated?

Your brother used to say that you had extreme difficulty in overcoming certain situations, especially when people harmed you. It was as if you didn't care about their remorse. Even when years passed it was like you focused on the pain felt by your past self and refused to forget what they'd done.

Whenever Namjoon said that you would roll your eyes and vehemently deny it. Not only due to the discomfort of acknowledging a possible red flag but also because you didn't see yourself that way.

At least until that day.

"I'm seeing you received his wedding invitation." You felt a kiss on your face as Taehyung entered the living room accompanied by your two children, who didn't waste any time jumping onto your lap and showering you with hugs.

With your head still slightly sore, you returned the affection and watched the two kids running towards their bedrooms.

"How did you know he was engaged?"

The sigh that escaped Taehyung's lips increased your irritation. You made an effort to not rush him as you continued analyzing the expressions on his face. You noticed everything from the subtle bite he gave to his upper lip to the furrowing of his brows.

"He mentioned it to me."

You definitely didn't expect that. Anything was possible except for that.

What the hell was going on?

"Wow, amazing! You and Jungkook become fucking friends again?" You screamed and laughed sarcastically at the same time. "How'd it happen?"

Taehyung trembled at your voice's volume. He never saw you so stressed before. Yelling at him wasn't your style. Like never.

"My darling..." He attempted, sitting beside you and trying to get closer. Despite knowing the reason for your anger, Taehyung wasn't ready for the blow to his heart as he saw you move your body further into the sofa's corner. Away from him. "(Y/N), stop it…"

"Tell me that shit right now or I swear I'll sleep somewhere else tonight."

You didn't want your words to sound so offensive. You were even trying hard.

However, Taehyung knew you well. He knew you all too well. You couldn't fault him for being such an amazing husband.

You changed the question when the silence hung too long, "Why'd you keep this from me?"

“I was afraid you'd wanna be in his bride's shoes."

At that moment you knew Taehyung was correct even with such selfishness.

You really wanted to be in Jihyo's shoes.

You wanted to be Jeon Jungkook's future wife.

After so many years. You still wanted him back.

Resentment. Anger. Jealousy. Envy. Sadness.

Those were the feelings that took over your heart when Jungkook's messages showed up on your phone screen.

"Can you meet me at the snack bar near your house in half an hour? It's about my wedding. Take the twins if you can."

You rolled your eyes with an urge to send him to hell fucking strong.

So it was hard to believe that you were really fighting the intrusive thoughts and getting the twins ready for the meet.

Ivy wore a pink dress detailed with sunflowers and yellow shoes. The little hair bow was the same color as the flowers and contrasted with the dark tone of her hair strands.

Dressing Oliver was always a hard situation so you chose didn't stress yourself more than usual. You gave way to the little boy's desire to wear a simple Spider-Man costume and Iron Man flip flops.

You looked around for Jungkook when you arrived at the snack bar but couldn't find him anywhere. Rolling your eyes and biting your lip to push away the anger starting creeping into your veins, you decided to sit with the kids at a table farther away and near the large window.

The bell on the entrance door rang once again after you ordered a portion of French fries and hurried footsteps ran towards the three of you.

"Did you already order without me?"

Tears were already welling up in the corners of your eyes before you could muster efforts to contain the pain in your heart. The warmth of the liquid reminds you how pathetic you'd seem if you cried in front of him.

You couldn't show weakness.

"Hey, Jungkook. I see you're late... As usual." You commented and saw your children leave their seats to hug his waist and hug him. That damn tiny waist.

"Don't be so mean, my angel. You know I'd never be late on purpose."

His sarcastic smile caused a frown on your face. He was such an arrogant bitch.

Jungkook whispered something to Ivy and Oliver, who nodded with their little heads and hurried to the snack bar background where you knew there were some small tables with blank sheets of paper and colored pencils to draw with.

The owners of that place understood how great it was having a space to entertain customers' children. No one liked seeing kids witnessing adult arguments.

"Why'd you ask me to bring them if you just sent them to drawing?"

"I just miss my children, (Y/N). They're mine too, you forget?"

He didn't say it with a rude tone but a guilt feeling hit you instantly. Even though you knew he wasn't blaming you for those trip days, you were aware that Jungkook would miss the twins a lot and yet you refused to let them being at his house.

"How were the days in London? Business trips are usually quite tiring and I-" You cut off him when he sat across from you. Was he beating around the bush?

"What the hell, Jungkook? You call me here to talk about my work at my dad's company or talk about your fucking wedding?"

It was his turn to rolling eyes and wrinkling his nose while he noticed your impatience. You looked like a cartoon character with your flushed face, furrowed forehead and lips being bitten to avoid more shouting.

If he tried a bit harder certainly he'd glimpse flames coming out of your body. Really like a common facial expression in comics cartoons.

"Wow! Looks like you aren't happy for me."

"And how could I be?" You chuckled with a heavy dose of sarcasm. He couldn't be serious. He'd be cruel as hell. "Why are you marrying Jihyo?"

"Cuz I'm in love with her." Jungkook shrugged as if that were the most obvious answer in the whole world.

For the hundredth time since the wedding invitation papers landed in your hands, you rolled your eyes and felt the urge to grab him by the neck until he dropped dead.

"You didn't look so badly in love with her like that when you were eating me out before my trip just like a dumb needy virgin." You took the initiative to curl your lips into a mocking smile and Jungkook widened his eyes on your sharp words.

"Don't say that." He warned you with a sound coming out much rougher than you anticipated.

Instead of containing the venom dripping through your teeth, you continued the session of criticizing the character of the man in front of you.

"Actually, you didn't look to love her in any of so many nights we've fucking these last three years. But I think you loved moaning my name when I was creaming around your cock and also when you cumshot in my face. And maybe when-"

Your mind stopped processing any more humiliations when Jungkook punched the table and all the decorations placed there rattled, just like the instantaneous movement of your body.

It'd been a single punch. Very quick. But you couldn't help but feel scared in Jungkook's presence for the first time in all those years of going back and forth.

The silence between you two lasted for just three minutes although a discomfort in your chest felt like it hung there for almost an eternity. Slowly you looked at him; his trembling lips and eyebrows frowned. Almost like he was about to cry.

Anything about that sounded impossible to you. Jeon Jungkook never cried easily. Why was he so broken?

"Jihyo's pregnant…" The news came along with a few tears in the corners of his shining eyes.

You definitely weren't expecting this. He knew you weren't because whilst you were trying to come up with something to say Jungkook was faster and cut off anything you could think of.

"Taehyung found her a few days ago at the mall while he was there with Ivy and Oliver. She was buying baby clothes and he saw her briefly."

"It was the day he told me that you asked him to see the kids at your house before the agreed-upon time." You said more like thinking out loud. Jungkook nodded in agreement.

"He got really confused so he came to my house and wanted to confront me. I left the kids playing in their room and sat with him in the kitchen." Jungkook fiddled with his own hands studying the collection of tattoos on his skin with as much interest as he had when he got it. "I told him that I knew about it a few days before. Tell him about the wedding wasn't in my plans but he noticed my engagement ring."

There was so much to ask and so little courage to do it. Your mind was boiling with desperation and your heart felt shattered into pieces.

Goddamn fucking fate!

"How many weeks of pregnancy is she?" You allowed yourself to ask, not interested in more minutes of painful silence..

"Sixteen," Jungkook replied. Sixteen weeks! Four damn months! "It's a little girl. She'll be named Liz."

You clenched your teeth remembering the reason behind the choice of her name.

"Before our breakup you used to say your dream was having a daughter named Liz." You reminded him and he swallowed hard realizing that memory remained fresh in your mind even the years that passed.

"Yeah… But when you were pregnant it was you who chose the name Ivy, so I thought-" Jungkook stopped talking and widened his eyes noticing what he'd just said. "But I love our daughter's name! It's so beautiful!"

You almost wanna laugh remembering how upset he was when saw your pregnancy belly and found out that you hid the pregnancy from him. Annoyance for your secret turned to happiness after a few minutes of civil conversation. And it turned into shock when you told him it wasn't a common pregnancy but a twins pregnancy. He went back to being happy when you told him about the babies' genders and he went back to being upset when heard you say that you'd already decided the babies' names on your own.

And the little girl wasn't named Liz as he always dreamed.

“Well, you know… maybe if I'd chosen the name Liz instead of Ivy you might have changed your mind about us and our relationship."

It wasn't true. You loved your daughter's name and could never imagine it any other way. You were just hating the perks in Jihyo's life and the fake "perfect love" she swore existed between both of them.

"My angel… you know you were already engaged to Taehyung. He's… He was my best friend. I couldn't act that way. I couldn't go against your families' desire to see you two get married."

"It was just for the company's sake, Jungkook! Just for the reputation of Taehyung's family and mine!" You fumed and clenching fists before running the fingers through your head, where you tugged a few hair strands overly desperate.

"I don't give a fuck about that bullshit! It's because Taehyung loves you! HE ALWAYS LOVED YOU!"

If you and Jungkook weren't such frequent customers in that establishment, surely the owners of the place would tell you two to leave the instant Jungkook punched the table for the second time.

Though Ivy and Oliver remained quiet drawing in the other room, you knew your children well enough to know they were covering their ears when they both saw their dad so furious with you.

For that one reason you stared at Jungkook. Eye to eye. Tears to tears.

The resentment was high. However, it wasn't strong enough for your pride worthed more than your children's mental health. Jungkook looked like he shared the same thought and tried to normalize his breathing and clear his mind. He adjusted himself in the chair until his posture was more relaxed.

"Love you, my angel. I swear I love you with all my soul and I think that my love for you can never go away." Jungkook looked like he was about to break. "But it's not fair."

His voice came in trembling whispers and his eyes were teary as you've never seen it. "It's not fair to Taehyung, it's not fair to Jihyo, or our twins, or Liz. Much less to us. Me and you. We don't deserve to live like this."

Deep down, you knew it was true. And that hurt more than if you were lied to.

"So are we done again?"

You never really started over. Everything should've ended after the casual fuck when you found out your father wanted you and his business partner's son to get married.

Jungkook swore to himself that he was happy as a single man and you swore to yourself that Taehyung would be an excellent husband and dad, even if you didn't love him.

But then when Jungkook got back from his exchange in Canada everything snowballed. He found out about your pregnancy and the fact the child was the result of the drunken reunion you two had a few months after the breakup.

As if everything couldn't be more desperate, you were actually gonna marry his best friend the next quarter.

Taking on responsible fatherhood and coparenting was all he promised to you. The whole coexistence between you two should be only for the twins.

Of course it didn't go as planned. He was angry seeing you in a fake marriage with Taehyung, who still laid with you every night despite loving you with all his heart and not being reciprocated.

His self-control lasted just for three years until the desire to feel you again took over, and after Ivy and Oliver's third birthday party you two fucked for the first time since the night that reconnected your lives.

Jungkook knew you confessed the first cheating to your husband and he also knew that he could ask for a divorce. However, Taehyung loved you enough to remain a second option and only get out of your life if your true love asked you to come back.

But Jungkook never did it. Because of the fear of spoiling your life. Because of the fear of hurting Taehyung's heart. Because of the fear of being a bad example for your children.

The affair between you has never ceased during the last three years. Not even when he forced himself into a relationship with Jihyo to try getting over you.

He wasn't proud of it. Deep down, you weren't either.

And Jungkook couldn't allow himself to fail one more time.

"You were never mine to lose.“ It's the confirmation you needed. It was over. You and Jungkook were done.

On that August 31st you knew Jungkook was no longer the target of your anger. It was yourself.

And you would never forgive yourself for getting twisted in bedsheets of someone that were never yours.

[estebanocon]

Ok, here's my recap of seeing Esteban over the Singapore GP! I've been attending every Singapore GP since 2017 and have supported Esteban each year. For me the highlight from this year was finding out that not only does he recognise my face, he also knows my name. 🥹

The video above is a compilation from two days: Thursday and Saturday. Full story below the cut. 👇

PRE-RACE WEEKEND / ESTEBAN'S BIRTHDAY

I've been travelling since late July and my flight back to Singapore from Vancouver was actually on Esteban's birthday. I had already committed to editing a video to celebrate his achievements at Alpine. Some of you (bless y'all, seriously) answered my open call for art/video/message submissions and I spent the afternoon before my flight putting it together. I'm happy I got it done and I was even happier when Esteban commented thanking us for it just before I got on my plane. You can watch the video on Instagram here.

THURSDAY

A.K.A. The day after I arrived back in Singapore after 2 months on the road and a 16-hour time difference. I have no idea how I wasn't severely jetlagged lol.

I got to the paddock entrance after 1pm, early enough to still get a spot in front of the barrier, but gosh there were so many people this year. Either F1 has really exploded in popularity (especially with the younger generation) or we just have more fans from overseas coming to Singapore for the race (why tho, it's so hot y'all). Luckily I had a friend with me and he was kind enough to help me take videos when Esteban arrived.

My friend hadn't hit record yet so the video missed Esteban saying "good to see you again, how are you doing?", and you can scroll back up for the rest. ☺️ He thanked me after I asked if he'd seen the birthday video and then there was an awkward moment when I didn't know if we were doing a fist bump or a handshake but man's a gentleman and didn't make me feel weird about it. 🫠

I don't know why after seeing him so many times I still get nervous but I was, and I struggled to take the cap off my marker so he could sign my cap. He very kindly took it from me to open it himself but my marker betrayed me and wasn't working properly (now that I think about it, it also happened the very first time I asked him to sign my hat back in 2017 🤡). Thankfully the girl next to me offered her red marker which actually worked (though Este stabbed the life out of it first to be sure). 🙏

I initially wanted to hang around in the evening with some friends who were coming after the pitlane walk. But at 7pm it was already super crowded and I don't even know why (all the drivers, TPs and media are already in the paddock at this point and won't come out till late that night). So yeah, I just went home to not tire myself out before the race weekend actually started.

FRIDAY

I've accumulated quite a bit of merch since last year so I was bringing a different one on each day for him to sign haha. In the selfie I'm wearing a shirt he signed the day before.

I normally try not to take up too much of his time because he always does his best to make sure all the fans get something from him. I only had one shirt for him to sign but after he did, he continued standing in front of me so I just took out my phone for this picture and then he went on his way. Este is bestie fr. 😭🫶

I didn't hang around outside the paddock again on Friday night because I went to watch OneRepublic. ✨

SATURDAY

The best day for me because this was when I managed to get most of my selfies (including with Mick, who I missed on Thursday because he came with Esteban and obv I have priorities) and also because Esteban managed to drag the car out of Q1. 👏

It was also a good day because I asked Esteban if he could write my name on the cap and as I was trying to spell it out for him, he cut me off because he knew, he just didn't see it was me at first because some guy had draped a huge flag over my friend and me for him to sign. 😭🫶

We tried to wait outside the paddock after qualifying but they started chasing us out at 12am and since they had armed police out in full view, we decided to not fk around and find out. (At previous SGPs they'd stay in the van so we never actually saw them.) Also didn't help that Esteban chose that moment to leave so people started mobbing him and even though he tried to stop at first, security physically pushed him to the exit. 🥲 (which was probably for the best tbh)

SUNDAY

I actually gave Este the wrong hat to write my name on (I wanted him to write it on the cap from his store, not the Alpine one) so I had to ask him again and he kindly obliged.

That night I was lucky to catch him just before he left the circuit, there were some fans running alongside him because he wasn't stopping but he stopped when he saw me. 😭🫶 I got a quick hug and he said see you next year so I guess the greedy mfs at SGP are going to continue getting my money smh.

BONUS ESTE'S BESTIES

Here's a picture of stuff I got signed by Este, as well as some gifts I got from other Esteban fans! And also, a picture of me and Fiq who I met for the first time on race day.

[unolvrs]

— FAQ AND KEEPING UP!

so, i'm alive, and this is honestly long overdue. here, i'll be answering some frequently asked questions (just five because i barely have time for this) along with some rundown of what had happened to me recently, and why exactly i was inactive. and some of the expectations/things i want to change when it comes to this account and my ao3 account because guysss, i'm 20 years old! that's crazy.

as always, this will be obnoxiously organized. if you know me and you've been following me for a while, i hate messily-organized things. (which is hypocritical of me because my tumblr is a mess. tbf, when i started this, i had no idea what was going on.) some trigger warnings to take note of: there will be mentions of SA, p/dophilia, harassment, ED, and so. you can use this as a warning for whatever college experience you'll have.

— keeping up with uno

YOU CAN SKIP THIS PART AND HEAD OVER TO FAQ!

as many of you know, i'm currently in college and now, i'm a—yey. one of the many reasons why i was inactive is because i'm very grade conscious and my first semester in college didn't go over so well because i was adjusting. anyway, my liver is definitely fucked. unfortunately, i've taken to smoking too but not to excess because i don't like doing anything at all to an excess.

that's a brief what's going on in my life and health updates. now you guys know i'm becoming just like my father 😇 but it's fine because i have, in the gpa equivalent, a 3.8 to 3.9, something along that range. so my academics are doing amazing!

but, as some of you may know, i studied in the same school since i was in elementary to high school in a somewhat 'exclusive' school that handpicked students. college opened me to so many people in a horrible way because in a span of barely a year, men have ruined my friends and i's lives.

let's start with the rough part: i keep on seeing these two guys i was once involved with around the campus, each known to have SA'd someone/attempted to have SA'd someone after we were involved. which fucks me up every time because the other guy is apparently still asking about me. crazy. and i have no idea what to do about that so i will simply rest in peace. (to others who may ask about why someone who SA'd someone would still be in a prestigious college and roaming around, they were apparently forgiven by their victim. allegedly. i don't know much.)

and a lot of the men i became friends with in college are elitists, socially unaware, privileged, and lowkey sexists. i'm just astounded. in shock. of course, i met some of the best guy friends in college too, of which i'm very thankful for.

HOWEVER, the worst thing happened a few months ago. my close friend was dating this guy in her college in a rather questionable manner. but that's not the point. anyway, i became close friends with the guy too and we integrated him in our friend group, became really, really close.

but there were red flags, of course. i scolded him often for it. and then my friend began telling me stuff about their relationship and i insisted for her to break up because so many bad things are happening already involving his ex. but she stayed with him still (i won't go to details because they were awful) and then it was revealed right before he moved to another country (they planned to do LDR) that he liked kids. he SA'd his ex multiple times. his alleged 'crazy' ex was a victim. he and his friends are awful human beings. they exchanged cp when they were in high school. large amounts of cp. and you guys don't even wanna know what else happened and for that, i'll keep them to myself.

my friend stayed with him for a month or so, until they broke up; he said she was awful for not realizing he's changed...

anyway, that's the context of my deleted post concerning my friend being a ykw. i have cut him off, blocked him everywhere, and he said he hates me lol. we can't do anything about it as his parents are government and law enforcement-affiliated. another day, another win for the elites.

also, some time before that my ED kicked in again but i'm kind of okay now. i'm mentally healthy atm. i'm doing great in school. i'm going for orgs. i have good friends. 😇 i have cut off smoking and drinking since the 10th of august. i don't think i'm gonna go back to smoking some time soon because my mom has a hound's nose for that. but unfortunately, drinking is part of the experience.

— FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS!

when are you updating frog in a well?

you should've heard the scream i let out just now. i have honestly grown tired of jjk and especially bnha, which i never really got into. jjk sucks now, guys... the constant mischaracterization of the characters by the fans, whatever is going on with sukuna, literally everything. at least nobara is alive.

but i want to finish froggie, honestly. it would be an achievement if i finished froggie and that's only my motivation for it. froggie will be updated whenever. that's basically the answer but i want to finish it, promise.

2. when are you updating rain on my parade?

look, i have 3 chapters on it already. completed. edited. ready to be posted but i just can't. i haven't been writing the past few months and i feel like anything i write is absolutely disgusting and just awful. so i can't post anything and i keep on re-editing everything: the commissions, the other things i've written and are just on stand-by.

3. any wips?

yes, a lot. i have posted a bit of details about them. they will be posted when i stop being insecure about my stuff.

4. what have you been doing recently?

watching lots of movies. i'm a film bro now, a letterboxd type of person. drinking, shopping, contemplating about my future.

5. others.

an advice for you guys in college or going to college, please PLEASE be careful with the people you meet, especially the men. i'm sorry to say but it's better to be careful and use as much connections you have to figure out what kind of person someone is. and just because a person seems nice, doesn't mean they're really nice, guys! the p/do guy called me a SISTER.

anyway, also, i want to change "unolvrs" or "uno". so if you suddenly see my username changing in all platforms, sorry. that's all i have to say. thank you.

i'm very excited to go back to writing. but i have these backlogs:

but i have many completed drafts, including commissions, some done in private and will be posted in private as well. i will no longer be posting any comm on ao3, but will have a gdrive for all of them.

and i'm starting to move past the "i can't update any chapter of other fics unless i update froggie". i've been going through that, which some of you may have noticed as i post chapters in bulks. anyway, that's it, i think.

TLDR;

i went through a lot last year and this year.

i will be changing my username from unolvrs and my penname uno to something else.

some chapters, including comms, will be posted on: OCTOBER 27.

[rollypoliesonarock]

No one asked, but here's a vest tour! I've added a bunch since I last talked about it here, so here's the update!

Here's the full front and back

Most of this I made myself. The patches were mostly made by hand embroidery (anything machine done was probably given to me as a gift), with the exception of a couple that were just markers on white fabric.

Under the decorative patches is also a layer of random fabric patches, mostly from leftover projects scrap fabric, or old clothes I didn't know what to do with.

There's also some random paint splashes in green and red, and a ton of pop tabs and safety pins thrown around in empty spaces.

The pins I made were made from painted bottle caps, and held on with a pop tab and safety pin combo, with the edges of the bottle cap bent to hold it in place

The vest itself I got from a family member's friend, and said family member didn't want it. So she gave it to me to put patches on. I used it as a formal jacket for a year, but I didn't like how the sleeves felt, so I cut them off and ended up putting patches on it anyway. I've been working on this vest since last January, but many of the patches and stuff were transferred from my old jacket that I have other plans for, but that's for a different post.

Inside, plus the snack pouch

so much white embroidery floss, I'm surprised I'm still able to scrape up some in my embroidery floss drawer

Front top left (from the perspective of someone looking at me)

Gay frog pin is the only pin I own I paid for, I found all the rest for free from various events and also the library likes giving people free pins

Front top right

Got the Vulpix pin from some random lady at the empanada restaurant because she liked my nerdy jacket. A few months ago I reconnected with an old friend, who recognized the art style. So that's kinda neat

Front bottom left

I used to have the heart/brain patch sewn on an older jacket (that is no longer with us). I am never attempting to stick a needle through that thing again. Easily my most painful patch I own. Also a little keychain ring so I can clip stuff to my vest

Front bottom right

The worm's name is wormy, named by my friend who loves him. Wormy has been through a lot, and before finding a safe home on my vest, rotated between being a room decoration and a cat toy

The hotelier patch (the house on the pocket) is probably my favorite music based patch I've made. I spent way too much time on it, but I think it turned out nice in the end!

Back top

the trans flag section in the center is my favorite part. The peace was never an option patch is usually peoples favorite, and I get compliments on it regularly. It's hard to see, but the patch at the bottom left of the flag is the chemical formula for testosterone

Back bottom left

The QR code is a Rick roll, and also fully functional. When I made it, a picture of it was floating around between my friends between various group chats. I had one friend who tried to go to lengths to avoid getting tricked, until one of his friends sent him the picture, and he actually scanned it before realizing it's the QR code on my back. He was (jokingly) upset at me the next day. I want to make another qr code to a song I like more, but that one took longer than most my other patches do, so I'm not sure it's worth it.

Back bottom right

The Kos-mos patch (blue haired girl on left) is my favorite non music patch on here. It just feels like one of my most well made patches. Not much to say here, I just like the patch a lot

So yeah, that's my vest. No clue how many patches are actually on this, or how many hours I've put into this thing already, but it's probably a high number whatever it is.

If this gets at least 0.5 notes Ill talk about my other patch stuff, of which I've got a lot of.

[dilxcc]

Hi can you write baekhyun x pregnant reader? Some angst and fluff things! Maybe a little misunderstanding.

mine all mine ᡣ𐭩 byun baekhyun

fluff, misunderstanding, pregnancy, could be a red flag (he yelled at you), grammatical error

idol!baekhyun x f!reader

a/n idk how to write angst and pregnancy but i did my best so i hope you like it 🫠

as usual, your husband were home late. again. you scrolled through your social media, reading the news and liking posts mindlessly. you couldn't actually focus on any of it. especially after you encounter that one rumor of your husband.

it was a rumor that he had been seeing another woman behind your back. and those rumors were completely normal. what wasn't was, that this actually has pictures of him with a girl, smiling widely. the world knows of your marriage. a lot had been against it as he is an idol and you're just... you. hell, he always posts stuff about you on instagram. but that doesn't help your overthinking.

you know you shouldn't even care about it. yet, you do. you hate the fact that you cared so much about the rumor that everything numbs you up. it's to the point that you didn't even notice him knocking at the door, walking inside and calling for you. "sweetheart?" he called for you again, a slight confused expression on his face. when his hand laid on your shoulder, you flinched and almost punch him in the face.

"were you really spacing out that much?" he chuckled softly, caressing your hair and kissing your forehead affectionately. "why are you still awake? it's late," he asked, taking a sit on the couch beside you and wrapping an arm around your shoulder. you pulled away from him, suddenly feeling uncomfortable from his touches. "is something wrong? why did you pull away?"

you could see the hurt and confusion etched on his face. "why were you late?" you asked, your voice barely above whisper. but he can still hear you. "baby... i told you that we're making a new album and that i would be busy for a while," his face softened a little, a hand reaching out to caress your cheek. you slapped his hand away and that caused him to snap.

"seriously, what's wrong with you?"

you didn't answer him and get up from the couch before making your way towards your shared bedroom. "don't just run off like that!" he gripped your wrist, stopping you in your tracks. "don't touch me!" you ripped his hand off your wrist. "how can i not when you're not telling me what's wrong?!" he raised his voice.

you didn't like that. you didn't like his tone one bit. why did he raised his voice at you? did he not love you anymore? are your emotions too annoying for him to handle? or is it because you're not beautiful anymore due to pregnancy?

tears pricked your eyes, your lips making a pout as you tried to hold in your tears. "s-sweetheart... i'm sorry-" baekhyun pulled you into a hug, his hand caressing your back comfortingly. "i didn't mean to do that sweetheart. i'm sorry," he peppered kisses on your cheeks and wiped away your unshed tears.

"please, tell me what's wrong? what did i do wrong?" he whispered, practically begging you to tell your problems. "the rumors..." you muttered, tears gathering in your eyes again. "sweetheart, i told you many times not to believe those rumors-" he said in a desperate tone. "there's pictures this time," you bit your lip, trying to hold in your tears.

you could hear baekhyun letting out a tired sigh. he pulled you to his chest and caressed your hair. "the woman in the picture is my friend," he explained, his hug tightening as if to sooth you. "it was supposed to be a surprise for you. since she knew how to make clothes, i asked her to make us a baby shirt,"

"i could never look at anyone the way i look at you and our child," his hand went on top of your stomach and caressed it. baekhyun leaned down and pecked your pregnant belly. "this child, our baby, our love," he muttered. "please don't doubt my love for you,"

[sadceline]

THE ENHYPEN HOST || 7

|| Reverse harem || ft. TXT, Mingyu (Seventeen) & BTS

WARNINGS: foul language, explicit content, group sex, humiliation, sex in public, threesome, foursoome, rough sex, red flags, immoral acts, unprotected sex, morbid jealousy, comedy, parody, possessiveness, violent quarrels, arguments, betrayals, lies, femdom sometimes.

GENRE: +18, reverse harem, comedy, enemy to lovers, friends to lovers

SUMMARY: You moved to Seoul to start over after a bad experience, and everything seems to be going well, you even manage to work for HYBE. You discover, however, that you owe them almost a billion won, money you don't have and don't know how to recover: but don't worry because Hybe itself offers you a solution.

Your body in exchange for paying off your debt.

Do you accept?

PREVIOUS CHAPTER:

FIRST CHAPTER:

Jake and I spent long, long time together last night. I'm not sure how many times we did it, because sometimes, he didn't always come out of me before he started again, it became extremely natural after we showered together.

I can't deny that we had some pleasant moments, clearly, but I find it deeply wrong how keep thinking about it.

The way he sleeps is just perfect, to say more would be superfluous.

Jaeyun has gone out early, perhaps to meet up with that Kibum Jay mentioned last night, but once out of the room, I just look around. It is early, only eight, so I guess it might be nice of me to prepare breakfast.

Today I'll take care of cleaning the bathroom, but from what I witnessed yesterday with Jake, there's not much to do. These guys manage to get neat without too much mess, and it actually surprises me, I get the impression that they're not really like this normally.

I can't imagine an environment where more than three men live that isn't a mess, but these are gender biases, my bad.

When I reach the kitchen, still wearing the Jake's t-shirt, I find only two people in the kitchen, and honestly they are just the ones I would rather not have met alone. I could hear them giggling together from earlier.

They notice me right away, I see their eyes move quickly to my low-cut legs, then Sunghoon looks away as Heeseung looks at me surprised and amused.

"Did you sleep well?" The band ace asks.

"Where are the others?" I ask, nonchalantly.

Heeseung snorts pretending to be offended. "Everyone's gone out, even the owner of your t-shirt."

"Isn't it early?"

"Would 8 am be early?" Sunghoon asks incredulously.

I ignore him, will do so for the time being. "Did everyone have breakfast?"

"How nice - comments the other - she worries about us. Anyway Jay takes care of breakfast, however, I didn't get up in time."

That Heeseung was someone who likes to sleep a lot seemed clear to me, but who knows why Sunghoon is here? Surely he doesn't have something to do? That way I could try to get to know the third shift owner, maybe he's not so bad.

I thought that more before I saw him sneering at Sunghoon, who knows what for then.

"All right, then, I'll go." I reply, not knowing what to say during this long, awkward silence between us.

"Aren't you having breakfast?"

You make me laugh, Heeseung.

I definitely don't want to eat in the same place as Sunghoon, I'm not going to answer, that's why I have to avoid him -- I know very well that if he provoked me, I would give in right away.

"Not now." I smile forcibly, before turning away.

"Are you doing this because of me?" Sunghoon asks, in that deep, warm, sensual, silly voice of his.

I sneer, incredulous, glaring at him evilly. "No, I told you. My stomach clenches seeing such things."

"Says the half-naked girl in a house with seven men."

"Oh yeah? - I laugh, theatrically, but then I don't know what to say next, and I stand there several seconds staring with narrowed eyes at this idiot. - I didn't think you were so demure." I had to repeat the word several times, because I couldn't remember it in korean.

"Demure? Nah, I just like looking at beautiful things. You just take up space."

Heeseung surprised turns to his friend, then bursts out laughing. "But she's pretty, why do you say that?"

"You're a dumb too." Sighs Sunghoon.

Ah, so Heeseung really thinks I'm pretty? No, no, Amanda, don't trust that bewitching, glittering, blinding smirk, inside his eyes actually burning evil.

"You demanded your turn, though." I remind him, crossing my arms over my chest.

Heeseung covers his mouth as his eyes manifest his amusement. "How tense."

Sunghoon thins his beautiful big eyes, I left him dumbfounded for at least five seconds, plus Heeseung's joke. "It's dumb not to receive something he's entitled to. Besides, it seems fun to annoy you, doesn't it?" He asks.

"Ah, but then don't come out saying you're in love with me." I snort, confidently approaching the refrigerator to get a small bottle of water.

"The scenario you've been dreaming about every night since you arrived, right?"

"I guess fucking would serve you."

"Yah!" We shout in chorus, toward Heeseung, who dares to say such nonsense.

"You sound like a couple, how disgusting. No seriously, that's enough now."

A couple, me and Sunghoon? Ridiculous. Heeseung, this that you see between us is not sexual tension at all, its more a deep and sincere disdain for each other. I am absolutely convinced of that.

"I have to clear bath, use the others for now." I announce, starting toward the hallway again.

"Seriously, you should eat breakfast first." Reminds me Heeseung.

Spontaneously I turn away, but realizing I did it so quickly, I feel ashamed and turn around again. "No, it's okay, I never eat in the morning."

"Aish, it hurts you!" He says, like a concerned friend.

I smile amusedly, I don't know why but every second I spend in Heeseung's company increases my suspicion of him. He gives me the idea that he's a rather fake person, perhaps because our interactions have not been the happiest.

When I was just a fan, I had a completely different idea of him. In contrast, what I thought of Jay and Jake, we can consider sufficiently truthful. Of course, I did not imagine such a terrible personality of Sunghoon either, but that is another matter.

"What do you want to do today?" He asks me again, as if we had some kind of date.

I pretend to think about it for a few seconds. "Will you help me with the bathroom?"

"No way!" He mumbles.

Sunghoon smiles, making me a little strange.

"What would like to do? Don't you have appointments or..."

"Not today." He nods proudly, like a child.

"Dubt." Sunghoon says, in terrible english.

"I have a lot of games for the Play, do you want to see them?" He offers me all excitedly.

I am stunned at such a request, Sunghoon bursts out laughing, even.

"Did you think of anything else?" Heeseung asks, observing my all too clear expression.

"W-What? No, I mean, yes I want to see them. But then can I play? If not, I don't care."

This is the right way to go about things, Amanda, smile at life and it will smile back at you. I don't understand why it didn't work for the past 23 years, and I have no certainty that it will work in the future, but let's think positive - after all, this, a field trip kind of is.

"Do you like video games?" He asks me, with a genuinely interested look on his face.

I guess it's unfair to play like this when your interlocutor has no idea who you are, while you know much of his interests. However, your honor, I really like games.

After I moved to Bologna, kids my age continued to isolate me because of my south origins, it lasted for several years, not having an idyllic family situation I hid in the ludic competition. I had discovered some online games, such as League of Legends, and spent most of my money to buy whatever game piqued my curiosity, without considering those spent on skins... I don't regret anything.

My parents were well-off, and in that respect I can't complain, plus it was better for them that I just stayed in my room and played rather than bother them.

"Quite." I nod.

Sunghoon snorts wryly. "What, did you search on Internet to prepare for this question?"

"What games do you like?" Asks Heeseung, ignoring him.

"I'm master."

Heeseung's eyes literally sparkle as I say this, and it's adorable. "Really! And how do you play now?"

"I don't play." I reply with some obviousness.

"What?"

"I didn't bring my laptop, I didn't think I'd have time to use it - I explain, although in fact I was simply so flustered that I didn't think about it on the moment - do you want to see how a pro plays?"

"He met Faker." Sunghoon reminds me, getting up from the table.

"But Faker is a god, she is a normal person obviously disturbed to have made it to that level."

I feel like laughing, but I do it by covering my mouth: he's right, the guy is a god. "Actually LoL is disturbed."

"I am emerald! I can't get by cause I'm always busy!" He whines, please, you just stop being so cute.

"Maybe you're just noob."

"How can I be noob? I'm so strong, but you know, I'm a full-time idol..."

"Still noob." I confirm.

He opens his lips in surprise. "Yah! How dare you!"

"I'm off, see you later." I sigh, before drinking from my water bottle.

Heeseung calls me again before I can leave. "Do you want to go back to the apartment? Let's get your things."

I choke. The water goes down my throat and I cough so hard that some drops splash toward Sunghoon, why is he always in the way? He glares at me, moving away to avoid being hit by my saliva again.

"You idiots will get along - he says irritably, before approaching the hallway - you're alike."

"He's just saying that because you're pisses he off, sometimes he plays too." Heeseung explains.

I smile wearily. "I get it, I'll go clean up."

"You didn't answer." Reminds me the oldest of the boys.

I glance sidelong at Sunghoon, he's charging his cell phone on the kitchen counter from the outlet where the coffee machine is plugged, he hasn't left yet and I feel uncomfortable talking in front of him.

"Let's take the computer so we can play sometimes! - He means it, this guy who at first glance would really just look like a fool. - In the meantime, let's do shopping."

I'm surprised to hear him say that, judging by the way Sunghoon turns to Heeseung, he must be too. "You can't go to the supermarket."

"Yes, I can!" He whines whimsically.

"Are you stupid?"

"You went there too! I want to go!"

"Then go yourself!" He immediately replies.

I naturally break their lively exchange with a long sigh.

"The ramyeon can buy it by herself."

"But I want to choose the tastes!"

"Why are you justifying yourself to someone younger than you?" I ask, curious, turning to Heeseung.

He seems stricken in pride, but he does not give me the pleasure of confirmation because he smiles confidently shortly after. I cannot look directly at him when he does, so I am forced to lower my eyes.

"I'm not justifying myself, we're talking."

"Right, right." I nod, starting down the hallway again.

Sunghoon stands in front of me, preventing me from proceeding. "If you faint you'll say it's my fault, so eat."

On the contrary, I just can't avoid looking at him, even though there is perhaps more than six inches of difference between us. I feel tiny in front of him, I don't understand, it's like my head is spinning. I can smell him, I can smell that he has been wearing perfume since the morning, and this seems to completely intoxicate me, but positively.

I back away clutching my shoulders.

"I'm fine."

He doesn't answer right away, but then he sighs. "I'm serious."

I mumble incredulously, then quickly circumnavigate him. "Thanks, I'll go."

I rush into Jay's empty room and sigh worriedly. I said I hated him, and I was convinced I did, but I'm still not completely immune to his charms, I need to catch my breath.

I look around, everything is left as it was, I go to take off my shirt and change, I'm wearing plain stuff, but I like to be with my legs exposed and a loose shirt, so after carefully folding Jake's, clearly more emotionally valuable but also monetary, I go outside.

I plan to make it quick, but for good. Hygiene is important, given how many times I have used this bathroom before.

I wipe away every trace, I disinfect any surface we have come in contact with, I feel like a criminal but only because I am blaming myself.

Not because I have indulged myself so much as because I cannot erase from my mind the expression of pure pleasure from Jake's face. It seems to me something so precious that it's impossible for me not to want to appropriate it.

Clearly, these are just fantasies, I know, but it is hard not to be drawn into such a situation.

The house has all kinds of appliances, so after maniacally using the Dyson on the floor, I use the microfiber cloth to wash it. Eventually I am left with only the already clean towels to place under the sink, so I sit on the floor.

Who knows how long it took me, I don't think more than 30 minutes but I could be wrong.

I hear some footsteps coming from the hallway, they are slippers being dragged almost boredly, I don't recognize the walk but I'm pretty sure it's not Sunghoon's.

"Finished?" He asks, watching me from above, a Heeseung who can only be simply watched, silently even.

Amazed at such a vision about him, with his pink hair, wearing an oversized black t-shirt with white lettering, and black jeans that bandage his long, strangely full thighs, I can't help but stare at him. He's even wearing glasses, but how dare he?

After several seconds, realizing I cannot stay and stare at him, I cough clearing my throat. "Do you really want to go to the supermarket with me? But why?"

"Jay said you don't have a car and the credit card is not ready yet, so I should call a driver. Since this is my shift, and I don't have anything interesting to do, let's go together."

I don't know, I don't even smile, I simply nod but don't understand my own reaction. I'm sad about what, exactly?

"Then, I'll change." I say, closing the doors and taking one last quick look around, everything seems fine.

"In Jay's room?"

"You ask because you don't know?"

He doesn't answer right away, smiling goofily as usual. "Then, I'll wait for you."

I change quickly, lucky I took two showers last night, so no need to wash. I put on a red pleated skirt and a short, low-cut top, I'm really hot, wear a chocker to look a little alternative, and then partially tie up my hair, uncovering my face better. When I come out, Heeseung is standing in front of the entrance with his cell phone.

He lets me be the first one to pass and I find it gallant, although come to think of it Sunghoon did too and I found it rude.

"You really don't have anything to do?"

"Nothing interesting." He replies, waiting for the elevator to arrive.

"And I'm interesting?"

"Definitely singular. - He says it quickly, smiling amusedly and serenely. - I didn't think there was such a thing."

"I guess it's because Niki is now of age." It comes out spontaneously, but then I turn in surprise to him, who strangely has no reaction.

He lets me go in first, again, I can't help but stare at him the whole time, so much, he doesn't give me a glance and I feel safe, in his shadow.

We get to the parking lot, surprise, he even opens the door for me and I find myself catapulted into another dimension, please stop, Heeseung.

This must be his "rizz."

"What music do you like?" He asks me, after he starts the engine.

"Not the one you like." I answer again too spontaneously.

He turns to me for a few seconds, completely offended. "Excuse me?"

"I read that you like The Weeknd, I can't stand it. It's a drag."

"Excuse me?!" He asks, even more upset.

At this point I can't help bursting out laughing, it's exactly how I expected he would react. My stomach hurts, I can't take it.

You obviously have fucking taste." He replies after not taking it at all personally, no…

"That's why I like you so much." I nod, wiping away my tears.

I don't know why, but I see him look at me and then turn away again, without saying a word, then sigh. "How many songs do you know of him?"

"A few, enough to let me know I don't like his genre."

Flabbergasted, Heeseung reaches for his cell phone and I become alarmed. "I'll let you hear now, talk later."

"Watch the road!"

"You put it on, then." He sighs, throwing his cell phone between my legs, since I can't catch it on the fly, I pick it up later, there is the Youtube Music page, despite having an Iphone.

I find it quite strange to hold Heeseung's phone in my hands, yet this is certainly not the most absurd thing, as I find myself looking at his perfect profile, he's facing the street. As I said, he's wearing eyeglasses, it is a light, thin frame that moves perfectly with his face, and they enrich it.

"Do you understand?" He calls me, after saying the name of the song.

I was so focused on him that I didn't even hear him. "E-Eh? I didn't understand the pronunciation." I make it up on the spot, going back to look at the phone screen, which, however, went off!

Heeseung repeats the title but also notices that I panicked, so I softly hand him the phone. "Sorry, I made him turn it off. Just put the code."

He grins smugly. "Ten zero four."

Wait? Did he just give me the code for his phone? Since he's going to change it right after that, why not just enter it himself? He didn't bother with the road before I said it.

Even stranger that the code is the date of my birthday. What an amazing coincidence.

"Why did you tell me that?" I ask, genuinely surprised.

"Because it's more convenient, no? And on the way back you can put it in the music."

All right, I think I understand Heeseung a little better. While he can't avoid hiding what he is in heart, he persists in treating me like a fan, he is attentive and thoughtful, he does trivial things that would nevertheless make any girl fall in love, it's his way of posing, but I have my doubts that he's really like that, inside.

The song starts and I turn out the window, I can see Seoul flowing before my eyes, yet my mind keeps looking for Heeseung's profile. Honestly, I am too tense to focus on the song, plus I think my senses, my tastes, are momentarily altered by his presence. I do not feel the usual revulsion for the xanadian artist.

Aware that I'm not at all clear-headed, I defer my considerations.

"Where are we going? And why are you dressed so well? Have you a mask?"

"In what order do you want me to answer?" He asks me.

I smile, hiding on the other side. "At your leisure."

"First let's go to the best ramen store in Seoul, then we might have lunch somewhere, then we'll go to your place and get the laptop."

"You have a pretty clear idea."

"The perfect date, right?"

I laugh, how could I not, "Maybe next life, Heeseung."

I hear him chuckle too, and I smile again, as if my heart has suddenly warmed up. "I am dressed so well because I always dress well."

"You'll attract attention."

"I would do it regardless because I'm tall."

"Why are you so sure you won't get paparazzi?"

"Because I know where I'm going, certainly not to an ordinary supermarket like Sunghoon. Besides, I'm wearing a mask, you worry too much."

"You literally have pink hair."

A moment of awkward silence intersperses our lively exchange of banter, then I hear him sigh.

"I hide them under my hat."

"And how do you hide your ears? They're pretty iconic."

He looks at me shocked again. "Would you stop?"

"What did I say? I think they're pretty. - I admit, without thinking much about what I'm saying. - If it were me seeing them, though, I would recognize you right away."

We enter a private parking lot before he answers me, after several seconds I realize that maybe he is ignoring me and maybe he has changed his mind about today's program. It's okay after all, even if he gets upset, I care about the band - being a fan. Seeing Heeseung with a girl around Seoul could be a blow to the fanbase.

"Do you find them pretty?" He asks me when is finished parking, unbuckling his seat belt.

I, confused, do the same. "Yeah, sure."

"Do you want to touch them?"

Gasp, jerking back on myself and backing toward the door with my shoulders, not sure why I reacted so animatedly. "W-What?"

He lowers his head in my direction, closing eyes. "If they're cute, touch them."

I admit it's a bit very awkward this situation, however, my hands reach toward him anyway. I can feel the cartilage between my fingertips as my fingers tremble like after thirty coffees, I like this feeling so I don't realize I'm continuing to do this, it's like petting a puppy.

When I next realize he's about to start laughing, I pull away abruptly, upset.

"Do you have heartbeat?"

Clearly.

"N-No."

"You do." He gets back up, quickly adjusting his hair.

I can't retort, I don't have the guts, so I go to open the door but see him grab my wrist, I paralyze. "W-What?"

"Can't you see?" He points with his gaze at some ladies who are passing by the car. I meanwhile have lost about ten years of life.

I know, I know, it's strange for me to be surprised after all that's happened, but still it's another person, a person who makes me feel particularly nervous, plus he's not even as nice as the others, so I'm in a strange and precarious situation.

"I told you didn't have to come."

"Jay's list is long. Could you have brought everything without a car?"

"You could have called a driver."

"What about the credit card?"

"You could have made a wire transfer."

"I don't trust you with my credentials, what if you're a hacker?"

Through it all, he still hasn't moved his hand, and I so motionless that I can't even turn to face him, I simply look out of the car, where the two well-dressed and groomed middle-aged ladies linger looking at the car through the tinted windows. They are evidently commenting on it because it's expensive - sometimes koreans really can be like those in dramas.

I move my arm, he looks surprised.

I really feel like I should stay as far away from him as possible. The way he acts scares me, in a way, he seems completely fake.

"I told you I had nothing better to do."

"You could have stayed with Sunghoon, honestly you could have done ten other things."

"Aren't you glad I came for you?"

Again, the words hang in the air, though they seem to weigh quintals. I don't know what to say, I don't want to show too much vulnerability, but the vibration of his voice, his touch, his mere presence completely alert me. I am also full pervaded by his scent that has completely filled the car.

"I didn't say that, it's just that.. I don't see a single reason why you would make such a choice." I try to explain calmly.

He turns his strangely thoughtful gaze toward the ladies in front of the car, then sighs. "I have half idea, but it's just curiosity."

But what does that mean? What is he saying? Am I misunderstanding myself? Do you want to see that my korean is not so good, after all?

"Curious about what?"

"Never mind. - Sigh, looking at them impatiently, the ladies, who have decided to start converse right in front of the car. - Think of it as a gift from me."

"Would the gift be your company? - I ask wryly, using this time to observe his magnificent profile again. - I don't think they would recognize you anyway."

"I'm famous among milf, too." He nods with conviction.

I look up annoyed, I guess that's his real personality. Unlike Jake though, I don't find him cute at all, he creeps me out. In Jaeyun's eyes I saw insecurity, shyness, a certain need for approval, but if I look at Heeseung I see only a disproportionate ego and a lot of desire to slap him (in every sense you want to imagine it).

"So what do we do in the meantime?"

"We could kiss."

"What?!" I feel like screaming, to the point where maybe even the ladies can hear me since they look around surprised.

Heeseung curls the corners of his mouth before bursting into an irresistibly sensual laugh. "How can you react so timidly after what you did with the others?"

The saliva I was swallowing, perhaps desperately trying to lower my body temperature, goes down my throat and I start coughing on his dashboard, quite close to death. My vision is blurred and my throat has closed up, I want to strangle him right now, but I have to try to survive.

"Are you okay?" He asks, but he doesn't really seem to care.

I wipe away the tears as the coughing slowly subsides. "What did you expect me to answer?"

"Like. 'okay, let's start'."

He must be such an asshole after all.

"Okay, let's start." I say, laughing nervously as I look out the window at the car parked next to it.

Heeseung grabs my face with both hands forcing me to turn around. "Okay, let's do it."

What? My face goes up in flames, I feel like I'm not thinking straight anymore. He is staring at my lips with his beautiful bambi eyes, there is nothing innocent about it, it almost looks like a demon is holding me in hell to keep me from moving. The truth is that my body is not moving, but he is not applying any pressure. He has only brought our faces closer so that they are separated by very few inches.

When he bursts out laughing, I realize that he has been making fun of me, and I, like a fool, really believed it. When he pulls away, unable to hold back the laughter, I am paralyzed, unable to control my reactions at all. I am disappointed but also embarrassed.

I look away, putting myself back in my seat, stiffer. "You must be having a lot of fun."

"Indeed I am. By the way - he resumes speaking normally, as if he hadn't just broken my heart - did you like the song?"

"No." I say it without even thinking about it.

"I wonder if you would have responded like that if I had kissed you."

Should I get out of the car and chase these women away? I can't breathe, this car seems to get smaller and claustrophobic every second, Heeseung's constant giggling is getting on my nerves.

"I guessed you weren't a good person." I say, still tense.

"From what?"

"From the way you were snickering with Sunghoon."

Heeseung crosses his arms inside the back of his head, really relaxing. "We've been close from a while."

"He were close to Jake before, no?" I ask, reverting back to my old fan self for a moment.

He glances at me out of the corner of his eye, then back to the ladies in front of him. "How do you know?"

"During an interview - I remember that moment perfectly and it seems so strange to me now that I know Sunghoon's real personality, or what he shows anyway. - He said Jake was the member he was closest to."

"Amazing how things change, isn't it?"

"And why did they change? You seemed close, even though…"

"Even though?"

I let out a long sigh. "No, nothing."

"You grow, you change. Although have my doubts that those two will stay apart forever." He admits, surprisingly in confidence.

"Jake is too good to be with someone like him." I say instead, as if I've known them all my life.

"As a matter of fact… it's true. Do you have a soft spot for Jake?"

"A big soft spot." I answer, satisfied.

I have the impression that openly declaring my preference might annoy him, that's why I do it.

It's not even that far from reality.

"Change of plans - he announces, putting the belt back on and starting the car - let's go to your place for now."

"To get the pc?"

"Maybe get something else to wear too, I get the impression you only brought sloppy stuff."

What insight this guy has. I brought almost only clothes to stay at home or run errands, assuming I wouldn't need to take fancy or sexy stuff, in fact, the opposite. I didn't really think about it while it was the first thing to do!

"I don't have any japanese maid dress." I joked, nervous, putting the belt back on.

"Do you have any purple underwear?"

"What?"

"If you don't have a maid outfit, purple underwear is fine too."

Is he serious? The confidence with which he pronounces his nonsense really makes me want to throw him off some bridge.

"I'll wear Jake's t-shirt,woolen socks, and my ex's boxers that I use to sleep." I reply.

"Yah, you don't sleep in my bed in Jake's shirt."

"It's definitely cleaner than your whole room."

He seems annoyed by my saccharine tone; I couldn't be more pleased. I cross my arms over my chest, smiling smugly.

"Where is your apartment?"

Actually, being us now in Hongdae, a much more affordable neighborhood of Seoul frequented mainly by students, being there a major korean university, full of cultural centers, bars, clubs, we are quite close. It is precisely in this area that Ester and I have taken up residence.

I explain it to him, he understands absolutely nothing about it, so he orders me, literally, to put the street on Mappe. I don't have the strength to fight this war as well, so I simply do it.

"You can stop here." I say, when it is still a couple of meters to the entrance of the building.

Heeseung slows down and looks upward, then looks around. "There's no park here."

"Pull over somewhere, I won't be long."

"I'll go up with you."

"No."

My response is really quick, so quick as to be blatantly alarming. He turns toward me curiously, I desperately avoid his gaze for fear of betraying myself.

"Why not?"

"No need, I'll make it quick, really." My tone of voice is more docile, almost submissive, it's as if I'm trying to convince him.

He smiles. "No, I'm coming too. I want to see your room."

Absolutely not. He can't.

Searching for a park, I think well it's time to unbuckle my belt and search in a desperate attempt to get out and run in, before he can reach me, so as to erase any trace he doesn't have to end up before his eyes.

In my room there is too much information about my tastes, there are too many things an idol should not see from a fan. Therefore, the absolute mission is to escape.

It's not so easy, however, because Heeseung stops me from my arm, his long, strong fingers gripping it almost completely, preventing me from going outside. Then he presses the safety catch so that I cannot open the door again.

"What are you hiding?" He asks me, now obviously more curious than before.

Not only have I failed in my plan, but I've made the situation worse.

"There are girl things you shouldn't see."

"Why do I get the impression you are lying?"

"I'm not lying."

"Then I promise I won't be shocked."

"I don't trust your promises."

"It should surprise you just to hear them."

Seriously, I never assumed that he might want to come up to my house, that's why I was so calm with the idea of coming back for things, moreover accompanied by Heeseung who has the car. Seen from the outside, it looks like a win-win situation.

He puts on his mask, puts on his hat, after parking. We enter the building, immediately take the elevator, and all I do is think.

Thinking of a way: a way to solve.

I could hit him on the head and hope he loses consciousness, or accidentally lock him in the bathroom, but how do I convince him not to go into my room right away? Effectively, he doesn't know which is mine and which is Ester's.

By the way, Ester! I don't even know if she's at home, if she's with company, I'm literally bringing a guy, a famous one, into the house, without warning her.

I pick up my cell phone, call her, she answers quickly.

"Amanda! Did something happen?" She asks me, in Italian.

"Listen…are you home?"

"Huh? Yes, why?"

"I'm on my way up now…I have company…"

Ester says nothing for several seconds, as if she were organizing the little information I gave her.

"WITH WHO?!" She suddenly shouts, I am forced to pull the phone away.

"Your friend is a quiet one, isn't she?" Heeseung asks me, hearing her scream.

You wouldn't know it but…. "Yes, she is."

Surely she's not the type to go around saying she's met Enhypen or going to rat me out about my situation, however, I can't be completely sure, given how many times I've trusted the wrong people.

"He's actually at home - I suddenly say to the singer - just can't let you in."

"So what? She's not happy to see me?"

He's right, she would be very happy. "Amandaaa? - She calls me, from the phone, in a sweet, fake little voice. - Who is heee?"

"Listen, I need your help - I say, turning to her and away from Heeseung, who can't understand anyway since we are speaking in italian - I have to go to the room, alone, you must absolutely neutralize…. Heeseung."

Still silence, still long seconds of total absence of noise, then she bursts into a thunderous scream that can be heard even outside the apartment door, since we have reached the fourth floor by now.

"Are you kidding? I'm getting naked!"

I look annoyed at Heeseung, who understood perfectly that my friend was screaming for him, seeing how he snickers, then snort. "Do whatever you want while I go to the room. Anyway open up, I'm here."

Ester opens immediately, standing still in front of both of us for at least twenty seconds. She continues to stare open-mouthed at Heeseung, even though he is completely covered.

"Let us in…" I whisper, embarrassed.

Ester shifts like a robot, her soul has left her body. "P…P…Please…."

After entering, and looking around a bit, Heeseung removes the mask and I see Ester's eyes light up as if with divine light. I think she's about to cry and I can't blame her, after all she has no idea what it's actually like, but that wouldn't be like her, she's probably holding back her worst scream.

"P-Please I am E-Ester!" She says, taking a long bow as her voice escapes robotic.

Heeseung arranges his hair behind her forehead and then leans toward her, helping her up by holding her from the shoulders. "It's okay, there's no need to be so formal."

"Oh, my, god." My roommate tries to breathe.

I smile nervously, commenting in italian. "Did you see how bello (handsome) he's up close? Sickening."

"Bello?" Heeseung asks, catching this word, from the speech.

Ester looks at me, I look at her, let the plan begin. "Oh god! I'm such a big fan of yours, I never thought I could…. - she doesn't even make an effort to cry, but I know very well she's faking it, she's too adrenaline to start crying in such a situation, it's more natural for her to scream. - Oh my god, I can't believe it."

Heeseung smiles at her. "It's okay, it's okay. - He says, stroking her hair. - Do you want to take a picture?"

His voice is different he is kind, appearing dispassionate and sincere. It really gives me goosebumps, however, there is no better time than now to peel away, and so I do. I back away slowly, wait several seconds, until I reach the door to my room, enter in a millisecond ready to close the door behind me.

Oh no, again, again Heeseung's stupid shoe blocking the door.

"Do I look stupid to you?" He asks me, trying to peek inside.

I move frantically to prevent him from seeing even a glimmer of my room. "Go to your fan!"

"But you're my fan, aren't you?"

Oh no, Ester, what have you…done?

I see her peeking out behind Heeseung's back as he makes the gesture of prayer and forgiveness, what could she possibly have said to him in the half minute I used to reach my room?

I stare at him for long time, silent, not knowing what to say and so dazed that I no longer concentrate on forcing in the door, in fact he takes advantage of my stun to open it.

Oh no, oh no… OH NO.

He walks in like he's in some fantastic place, looks at the posters I've stuck all over the walls, and can't help smiling with great confidence.

"That's why you didn't want to…"

"It…was before I met you."

Basically, I have posters of all the members, it is true, however I have a few more of someone in particular, and they tend to be almost all on the headboard of the bed.

In the center of the composition is a giant Heeseung, surrounded largely by Jay and Jake, in contrast the other members are on all the other walls.

"Do all these posters of Jay really exist? Are they original?" He asks me, curious.

I face down. It was my fault, I know, I should have calculated it. "They are not all original, but they do exist." I answer under my breath, deeply and genuinely annoyed.

"Do you buy unofficial stuff? You don't, look…. but then mostly you choose Jay's stuff?"

I look at him, surprised. Is this really the first thing he asks me? Did Ester really say something strange? Why was she apologizing?

"I don't see the problem." I mutter.

"And why do you have so few posters of me on this wall?"

"There's a giant one."

What the fuck are you saying Amanda? Are you going against yourself?

Heeseung bursts out laughing, I pale.

"Your friend's bias is Jake and Jay, yours…is me?"

"No, I told you I don't have it."

"Ester said otherwise."

HOW COULD SHE THINK OF SAYING SUCH A THING? Okay, let's calm down, after all, it's nothing serious….

"It's things said like that, I also said I would like to marry Sunghoon and Sunoo."

"You don't have literal, giant posters of them, though." He says, reminding me of my own self-goal.

"Okay, you've seen my room, now get out, you'll make Ester happy-"

I don't have time to finish the sentence that the roommate opens my room door motioning me to reach her for a second. No, I can't leave Heeseung alone in my room, yet…. ah, whatever, the damage is done.

"What the fuck do you tell him it's my bias?"

"I did it for you, maybe he falls in love! You move and invite me to the wedding!"

"You betrayed me…" I say with an edge to my voice, as my eyes drain of their humanity.

"It's less absurd than what's going on - says she, who can't stop laughing - please, it's beautiful."

"He also has a gigantic ego."

"Anyone in his position would have that."

"That's not an excuse."

"Listen, I have to go to work - she explains, in fact, now that I notice, she is ready dressed - next time you have to bring Jay, or Jake, please! No but what am I saying, bring them all!"

"I'll try." I sigh.

Ester gives me a kiss on the forehead, then goes to my room: Heeseung, as I suspected, is looking at my albums, in the cabinet where they are displayed there are other things, like laminated photocards neatly placed in small frames, gadgets, there is even their lightstick. Do I look like some kind of saesaeng probably? Or I'm too old for this?

"See you soon Lee Heeseung." Ester says, bowing again.

The boy, however, approaches when she is up, he pulls her into a warm embrace that I witness in disbelief. "Call me Heeseung, we are friends now."

Ester is deceased, blatantly, not moving, not breathing, not seeing probably. Even Heeseung worries, seeing her paralyzed, I hit her on the back, not too hard but enough to bring her to senses.

"I'm leaving, yes. See you soon, He-Heeseung." She says, quickly, running out.

We remain alone, the awkwardness turn again. I know he's about to drop a few more bomb that I won't be able to handle, so I start to gather some stuff inside a backpack. I avoid his gaze but also dialogue; I don't know when and how this awkwardness will end, but I see it coming.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I don't."

"You keep denying it? - He laughs with relish, the bastard. - You definitely would have gotten a few more points if you had told me."

"I don't want your points."

"Apparently not."

I feel like shouting so loudly that I break his eardrums, ripping that smile off his face. I didn't think that the most irresistible thing in the world, to me, would also become the most irritating and unbearable thing. Even more than Sunghoon's entire person…. or not?

"Ah, I get it! - He exclaims, suddenly looking at me. - You didn't tell me so you could fuck them all."

"I can do that even if you're my bias - I reply quickly and recklessly, proudly - even if you're not!"

"You admitted it! Now I'm telling everyone!"

He says this by pulling out his cell phone, I don't know why but this upsets me. Does he really want to text everyone to tell them it's my bias? It's childish, absolutely ridiculous.

I have to stop him.

I snap up, try to take the phone from his hands but he only has to lift his arm to stop me. I'm not that short, but I can't even get close to his hand.

I try anyway, or rather, I try to make him bend his arm to take the phone, but what happens is simply that my breasts, covered by the top, slam against his broad chest. Through it all, he seems to stare smugly at my expression.

This is not good, Amanda. I freeze, turning back defeated; this contact has destabilized me.

"Why don't you want them to know?"

"Because…" I seem to answer in a rush, but the truth is I don't know how to continue the sentence.

Or rather, there is a reason why I don't want to, and his name is Jake. I absolutely do not want, for any reason in the world, for him to know such a thing. But I also don't want to admit it.

On second thought, I could always deny it….

Breaking these vaguely positive thoughts is the figure of Heeseung photographing the wall of my bed.

"Yah! Are you a child?!" I call back to him visibly angry.

"Come on, why can't I?"

"I don't want Jake to know."

I'm honest, I couldn't help it. He is surprised, but maybe not surprised enough, so he goes back to photographing the wall.

"I came good here, didn't I?"

"I got it for this."

"Jake came good in this photoshoot too, you should have taken his if you care so much what he thinks."

"You're a bully, I didn't expect that." I sigh, going back to sorting out my stuff.

Again, he probably don't care, and maybe they all do. What the fans think, remains only fantasies, the people we imagine behind the cameras are actually quite scary, as humans.

"I'm not a bully." He seems to continue my sigh, his voice is different again.

"It sounds like you are to me."

"It's not like I really did." He mumbles offended.

"Will you?"

"It bothers me that you want to know."

What kind of reasoning is that? Of course I want to know, the real dilemma is why should he be bothered by it? And why does he want to do it? Is it really worth it?

"Telling others would put me at a disadvantage, while for you it would just be a flex."

Heeseung looks at me, feeling his eyes on me. "Does your friend know that you slept with both of her biases?"

I roll my eyes in irritation. "Not both, but I'll tell her."

"Doesn't it bother her?"

"She knew why I was hired, there's nothing weird about it, and she's not so childish as to hold a grudge against me over something like that."

At my statement, the pink-haired boy remains staring at me.

"I thought it was even worse between girls."

"In the past, Ester, she also dated an ex of mine because she liked him aesthetically. Don't categorize us as if we were ordinary friends."

"And it didn't bother you?"

"Why should it? We weren't together anymore, plus we're very open-minded."

Heeseung strolls around the room, continuing to observe. "I wouldn't be able to."

"Because you consider people objects."

Perhaps I am too abrupt in saying this, but I am also too tired, too vulnerable, to try to protect myself.

"Don't girls like it? Feeling owned by their boyfriends."

"Only the most naive ones." I explain, getting up and grabbing my backpack.

"Are you done?"

"I have to get the PC from over there."

He follows me in silence, I pick up the charger, the headphones, the laptop.

"Do you have any ramen?"

"What?"

"Some ramen."

"I guess so, why?"

Heeseung stretches, looking satisfied. "Let's eat here."

"No way." I deny.

"But why!" He whines like a wayward child, stamping his feet.

"These are Ester's things, i don-"

"You pass boyfriends but you're afraid she'll get upset over a little ramen?"

Checkmate, Amanda, I guess.

"Isn't your house nicer? Why do you want to stay here? The air conditioning doesn't even work."

"No problem - he exults, taking off his shirt suddenly - all fixed!"

I try to shut my mouth relatively quickly, then turn around. "You're like a mental ill, aren't you?"

"What kind of ramen flavors do you have?"

Right, he's obsessed with ramen, I can't tell how many times he's mentioned it in less than half a day. Okay, fine, but he remains shirtless. Help?

"I just don't get it - I sigh, setting my bag on the floor and turning toward the doors to see what the house offers - what's so interesting about being here?"

"When you live here, you are a normal person. I want to see what you're like when you're normal."

My God, how? How can I not turn around to stay staring at him after hearing something like that? Shirtless, I still remember it, by the way. His expression seems sincere, for the first time, perhaps because he is not looking at my face and seems uncomfortable with his own statement.

"I found out you're in love with me, that's something I wouldn't have found out if I hadn't come to your house."

I laugh robotically, annoyed again. "In love with you? I find you slightly cuter at best."

"That's 50 percent of falling in love."

"Actually, if we're talking about beauty, I think Niki is the most handsome. - I start talking, as I search the counters for any kind of ramen to bring for him to choose from, I don't understand why Ester has them scattered all over the equipped wall. - Then there's definitely Jake, then Jay."

"You don't have a giant poster of them though, that means you liked more than just my looks."

Again, Amanda? Really, whose side are you on? You should just avoid the speech.

"The voice, I really like your voice. - I say offhand, although I'm not lying, I really love his voice. - You're talented and you've even taken care of some of my favorite songs, so…" I make an effort to get to the bottom of the door, to the top shelf, I know for a fact that there are more packages there.

Something hard, long and thin, rests on my back. Yah! What are you thinking about? I'm talking about his abs.

His abs?!

I don't understand what is going on, he is practically crushing me with his body against the kitchen counter. I realize only after a few seconds that he has picked up the packages for me, him reaching there without difficulty.

Still, since he has picked them up, why doesn't he move? I turned away convinced that he would take them off, but eventually I find myself two inches from his face again, and it's not that I don't want to, but I just can't look away from him.

His eyes turned back to my lips, the perfect curve of his nose, his naturally magentate lips….

"If you tell me what you like about me, I won't tell anyone." He whispers, looking into my eyes this time.

Impossible not to swallow, as my throat becomes more and more parched. "R-Really?"

"Really." He repeats in an even warmer voice.

Why does he have to be so close? Can't I explain it at a proper distance? It's not easy to think when in front of me are his shoulders, his collarbones, the muscles of his long neck pulled like violin strings, when in front of me is Lee Heeseung.

I boldly lift a finger to his face, touching the tip of his nose. "I like when eat naturally in front of the camera. - He was the one who first erased the distance between us, so why shouldn't I touch him? That's my right. - I like the fact that you take music seriously, I like any way you sing. There's nothing you can't do when you sing."

I move my finger along the curve of his nose, he is surprised but does not push me away.

"I've always been fascinated by naturally talented, brilliant people, and I saw that you were and you are meant to shine. - I continue, avoiding looking into his eyes but focusing on the various details of his face. - I like whatever you're wearing - I admit, laughing to myself for being so shallow right now, then move my fingertip over his Cupid's bow, moving it slowly over his lips. - I like the shape of your mouth, I like your smile."

It doesn't surprise me all that much that he hasn't interrupted me yet; after all, I'm practically singing his praises, anyone would want to hear them.

Moving my finger to lift my other hand, I take his glasses, barely slipping them off. "I like you when you don't wear glasses - I put them back on him - but I also love it when you wear them."

Even so, though, I start to become uneasy because of his silence. The fact that he looks at me so intently makes me think he feels pity for me, or something like that.

"I like listening to your voice - I say after all, removing both hands, - when I'm sad, I put on your covers because your voice automatically makes me smile. I realize it's silly, but that's simply how it is."

"Are you making this up?" That's the first thing he asks, suddenly staring at me seriously.

"Ask any other fan, they'll tell you the same thing."

"I'm asking you."

My heart beats in an abnormal way, if I'm on the verge of death I'm okay with it, it seems like a worthy ending for a life like mine.

How did I get lost in his big dark eyes? How did I get caught between his body and the counter?

"If I said yes, would you believe me?" I ask.

Heeseung seems about to answer, but then evidently changes his mind. He decides instead to kiss me - yes, you read right. He kisses me, cupping my face in his large hands and kissing me.

I am kissing Lee Heeseung.

It is a surrender from the very beginning.

His lips merge with mine not able to resist him anyway. He grabs me by the hips, lifting me up so that I sit on the counter, then goes back to holding me by the cheeks as he assaults me with his kisses. Not rough, like Jay's, nor sweet like Jake's, Heeseung's kisses are dirty, perverse.

He knows how to move his lips slowly as he plays with his off-white teeth, leaving me little bites that sting. His tongue seems to melt in my mouth, I love the way it swirls around mine.

"So we have a secret now." He says, after slowly pulling away from me.

"Really?" I ask again.

Heeseung grabs my cheek again, this time though, he uses his thumb to pull the corner of my mouth, then does the same with his other hand on the other side.

"Show me tongue." He's ordering me to, it's obvious.

I have no idea where my dignity has gone, but it probably went completely astray after the kiss. I do it, in front of him, but I can't look at him in the process, it's too embarrassing.

"You are obedient… with other as well?"

I don't answer; I don't have to.

He sneers. "Then you really are. Is it because you like fucking so much?"

But what does he do? Does he just start saying things like that like it's nothing? Although I could catch a better glimpse of his character, I didn't make him one for dirty language in bed.

"Answer. Do you like it, fucking?" He asks, leaving the corners of my mouth to grasp my tongue with his index finger and thumb.

I look at him, this time, he reciprocates. "I love it."

He opens his lips, almost not expecting it, then closes his eyes for a second, smiling contentedly.

"Who fucked you better between the two of them?"

Why does everything have to be a competition? I've been with different people who had different approaches, equally valid, I really don't want to answer that question.

I bite his fingers, forcing him to remove from my mouth. "Both of them."

Heeseung laughs. "You're lying again." He says this by taking the same fingers with which he has been holding my mouth as he licks them.

Okay, okay, let's calm down. I said let's calm down.

"Why don't you want to tell me? We would have another secret. Don't you want another secret to share with me?" He says this by pushing the two offending fingers back into my mouth, and it is spontaneous for me to let him do it.

My saliva is mixing with his and I don't feel the slightest disgust. Although I suppose I would have been more excited if I hadn't realized that the one in front of me is deranged.

"I don't think I should trust you."

"Then it's true that you are awake."

Yes, that's right. Say it louder!

"It doesn't matter, I already know what you would have said anyway. - He says, taking me in his arms like a princess, unexpectedly. - I'm sure it's Jay."

I swallow, upset. "Jake is good, too."

"But it was better with Jay, wasn't it? - He continues quietly, dropping me on the big couch in the living room, while up, from above, he starts unbuttoning his jeans. - You like him because he seems to care about you, besides the fact that you liked him before, right? Since you think he is sincere, you feel more attached to him."

I swallow again, he's bothering me again. "You don't know anything at all!"

"One thing I know - he smiles, looking at me as he slowly lowers his pants, enough to expose the lump hidden under his black underwear - after today, you will no longer have any doubts about who fucked you better."

If you start out with this premise, dear Heeseung, perhaps you have no idea how good your companions really are. I don't doubt that you may have your own style, but they were just too good.

"Aren't you going to undress?" He asks me, surprised.

"I'm waiting for you to do it." I answer boldly, but I should stop him instead. Why dont I stop him?

It amuses him, but he'd rather be the first to get comfortable. "That's fine with me, too."

He grabs me by the hips, forcing my back to him. I rest my palms on the back of the couch as I feel him lift the folds of my skirt and then rest his large palm on a buttock, I have a shiver running through me from the tips of my toes to the last millimeter of my hair.

"Wow, it's so round." He comments, kneading it.

"S-Stop it!" I stammer, like an idiot, completely embarrassed.

I don't understand how I can be so awkward around him, when last night I was practically about to attack Jake. Is the fact that I like both dominating and being dominated, or do I just not have a personality? The last one would explain a lot.

Or maybe, it depends on the person in front of me.

"Why? Are you not enjoying it? - He asks, leaning his 'presence' in between. - Yet your panties - says, slipping a finger between my skin and the thin fabric of my panties - are soaked, how embarrassing."

I can't take it, it's too embarrassing, I'm not used to hearing him talk like this, honestly. My muscles are trembling because of a strange adrenaline coursing through my veins, yet I feel helpless, I feel like I am from the start completely at the mercy of his desires, and since he doesn't inspire me any trust, this makes me apprehensive.

Slipping a finger in, I gasp.

"Come on, don't pretend." He tells me, in an amused tone.

I hold back yet another groan, playing his game, but feeling mortified soon after. "What?"

"You mean to tell me you moan like that for one finger? Then what are you going to do with two…" He says it, he does.

Then he starts moving his hand faster and faster. I can't help plugging my mouth, closing my eyes in fright. He goes fast and makes me gasp, but I don't want to do it, I don't want him to make fun of me, I don't understand what's happening to me. I cling to the couch as his beat has begun to go too fast for me to contain my breathing. I feel my fingernails scratching the faux leather of the sofa as my back arches more and more, facilitating his movement.

"Go…go…slower!" I try to say, between groans.

Laughing, behind my back, he laughs again. "Are you pretending to be shy? Then you'll make me angry…"

How does his voice, with such sweet notes, sound so warm at this moment? I want to make him angrier, I admit, but if I asked him to slow down it's because I really need to get used to this speed, to the thickness of his five fingers, which 'definitely' aren't but seem to be.

"Slower!" I say, before letting out a yelp that I stifle with both hands as he continues to increase his speed.

"Why? It's only three fingers."

Really? I turn around with difficulty, although I'm practically bent over in front of him, looking at him to make sure his expression isn't sarcastic as usual.

"Do you really think I'm using my whole hand?" He asks, pulling them out; they are all but thumb and little finger, and all three are completely covered with my humors. He shows it to me, and I feel really stupid.

Not because I thought it was the whole hand as much as because now he must surely be thinking that I did it on purpose, that I said it as a pretense, to pretend… better not say what. Why is doing it with him so degrading? And why, despite this, am I already enjoying it so much?

Meat is meat, but I'm not sure it's worth it with someone like him.

"Did I hurt you?" He then asks me, since I don't answer.

I sit in front of him, not sure I want to go on, despite everything. "You'd make fun of me anyway, if I said yes."

He is surprised, I see him lift his chin uneasily as he looks away in annoyance.

"Answer."

"No…" I lie, sighing wearily.

"Are you sure? - Don't act worried, Heeseung. - It seemed-"

"I'm fine - I nod, not sure why, but I don't feel like seeing him worried, even if it weren't true. - We can continue if you want-"

But what does he do? Does he kneel down? Why is his gaze so focused? It's as if my body is being x-rayed, I can't move because of the anesthesia Heeseung seems to have given me. I could never move, as he looks at me like that, so intensely, I have chills.

"Even though I hurt you, you couldn't wait to continue, right? - He asks me in a whisper, stroking my abdomen with a finger, while his lips graze my groin and my skirt partially covers his face. - I'll help you heal."

"N-No! - I say instinctively, grabbing his head, finally managing to make contact with his hair and getting stuck for a moment. There is not a single reason why I should stop him, so why am I doing this? - Wait."

He doesn't give a shit, evidently, since his tongue has already found my other lips, the lower ones. Oh my God, there is no way I'm going to repeat something like that ever again in my life.

What is happening? It's as if an angel with cotton candy hair is abruptly leading me to heaven. It's so beautiful that I can't think of anything else.

First hell, and now heaven.

"Oh my God." I say, in italian, sinking my fingers into his hair.

Of course, he can't answer, I just feel him pushing between my legs to make me open them further. Why is he so good? Why does he put so much effort into it, if he is not the one enjoying it? I assumed that, in my position, I was the one who had to put they in the effort, and that's all.

"Lee Heeseung!" I seem to call out to him, he raises his head curiously and alarmed, finding me with a distraught, distressed expression.

"Ah…do you want to get right to it?" He asks, as his lips move in contact with my skin.

No need to answer, I push him back against me, panting more confidently as he hastily leads me down the path of pleasure.

"Mamma mia…" I say, nonchalant.

"AH!" Shouts Ester, who I can see is standing exactly in front of us.

"AAAH!" I shout back, surprised.

"AH!" Heeseung also joins us, who foolishly grabs onto my skirt to cover his face better.

I burst out laughing, Ester doesn't dare. "Please pretend that-"

"Omo, did my career just end?" He mutters between my thighs.

"No!" Rushes at us confused Ester, who then backs away.

I push Heeseung away, but he doesn't foul this time either, making himself look very prepared. "Mia carra (my dear) - improvises a terrible italian. - Nothing happened." He attempts denial.

Ester keeps shaking her hands in front of chest to reassure him but the idiot panics. "I won't say anything, really, but is it my turn next?" The red-haired girl asks with natural spontaneity.

My jaw drops instantly, he smiles, what are you smiling at, you jerk?

"Anytime."

I let them flirt through as I adjust my clothes, what a situation.

"Rest assured, I'm not telling anyone seriously." She reassures him.

Heeseung looks at her for a few seconds in silence, he's thinking about something, then gives a big smile and goes back to pretending. "Thank you so much! Mia carrrra!"

"I just came back for the phone - she explains, visibly nervous and undecided about what where or when to look, often to all these things the answer is Heeseung's chest. - Please stop speaking italian, it's horrible."

"Yah! Are all foreign fans like you? I was making an effort."

"First - Ester says, taking her phone from the kitchen counter - call me noona, second…is that what you were talking about?" She asks me.

The giggle that escapes my lips sounds damn fake. "What? What are you talking about?"

"Don't tell lies, you can't - she advises, waving as she sets off - have fun. See you soon."

"I like her." He nods, saying it as soon as Ester has closed the door.

"I know, I'd like to be with her if I were a man."

"You could have any woman and you would choose your best friend?"

"What's that got to do with it? Are you stupid?"

We continue bickering for a few handfuls of seconds before his phone rings, interrupting the mood. I guess that's how it ends, but I can't say it went badly.

"What are you doing?" He asks, seeing me get up.

I look at him surprised. "Huh?"

"Are you done, by any chance? - He looks resentful. - Is everything okay since you're done?"

I cover my mouth as a soft laugh escapes naturally. "I'm sorry… do I look like I'm done?"

"Ah, aren't you finished?!" He continues, further outraged.

I pause to observe him for a few seconds, I don't know why but I get the impression that this reaction is genuine, and it's strange, because it's the first time I've sensed it really. He notices that I'm staring at him, but he doesn't say anything, on the contrary he shifts his gaze suddenly embarrassed.

"We should go home." I advise, as he re-buttons his tight jeans with obvious difficulty.

"It's okay, I don't care."

"Don't be like that, I'm pretty tired. Too many emotions today." I further explain, picking up two packets of my favorite ramen noodles to put on the stove.

"Shall we eat here?" He asks me though.

"Do you find it comfortable? We can do that."

Why am I acting like this? Why am I humoring him? Why do I seem to feel a protective desire toward him? I also feel that behind his goliardia is just a little boy, perhaps one too gifted to know how to handle. Despite this, I also get the impression that he might stab me at any time, in whatever sense you want to interpret it, once again.

"Which… - I see him approaching restlessly. - Which one are you cooking?"

"A rather spicy one, that should do." I say, without looking at him, too busy at the stove.

He sits on the stool at the kitchen island, leaning on his palms. "You know a lot about me, don't you?"

"I know a lot about all of you."

"But I bet you know more about me."

"You're wrong - I reply, turning away - I'm not that kind of fan."

"Why do you keep rejecting me? Yet I'm so nice to you. - He sighs and pouts. - Why are you mad at me, by any chance?"

"Because…"

You don't look real, get it?

I put some condiments on the table, fortunately Ester has become perfectly accustomed to korean cuisine, so I don't have any big problems. Having plated the ramen, Heeseung looks like a child looking around with natural curiosity, or like a wild animal observing its environment with natural fear: a deer, indeed.

"Aren't you going to answer?" He asks, although his gaze is completely focused on the bowl where I have collected all the ramen, which I place in the center of the surface, amidst the condiments.

"Why should I?" I feign mystery as I sit across from him.

"Thank you for the food!" He gives thanks, picking up his chopsticks and looking at the dishes in front of him with that splendid smile, despite the fact that they are objectively nothing much.

"Make yourself at home."

"I will."

The meal begins quietly, Heeseung is too focused on the food, me on him, who is awkward and spontaneous as he stuffs his mouth, who smiles sincerely when he has finished scooping a mouthful of ramen into his wide, lovely mouth.

"I like this brand, but I've eaten it a few times."

"How come?"

"This is a poor's brand."

Completely surprised by his statement, I stand still for a moment. "Oh yeah? I thought you liked the mini-market stuff." I explain, justifying my reaction.

Heeseung remains staring at me in silence, for the umpteenth time, I blatantly uncomfortable cough. "No, I like expensive brands."

"I should have guessed."

"When you try those kinds of products - he says, putting a pile of enoki mushrooms in my bowl - it's hard to go back to liking that stuff. - It makes sense, I realize, but I'm still confused that he would give me such thoughtfulness. - What are you thinking about? I don't like enoki mushrooms."

"Ah - I exclaim now with clearer ideas, picking up some of them - that's fine. I like them."

Lunch continues in a strange silence for a few seconds, then I see him pick up the bowl with both hands, to drink the broth. This spontaneously makes me smile, because it is very honest behavior, though not exactly approved by occidental etiquette.

"Glad the meal was to your liking, Lee Heeseung."

"Don't be so formal." He feigns shyness.

I smile again, unable to stop. "Do you want to eat this too?"

"No, if I get fat you will buy Jay's giant poster. I'm doing you a favor - he laughs, satisfied, then looks at my plate - but why aren't you eating anything? Don't tell me it's really because of me? Sunghoon's?"

"No - I wipe away all his doubts with my hand, relaxed - it's just that I haven't gotten used to all this yet. My stomach is completely shut down."

"Even the first night, you decided what to order but ate almost nothing, instead you just drank. Are you an alcoholic? I imagine less attractive alcoholics."

I really like this atmosphere, it feels so spontaneous. Heeseung has a sweet voice, it's nice to hear him talk, I imagine I could do it for hours and it's amazing to be in front of him while he simply exists. The feelings since we left home have changed so many times that I feel a tornado of emotions inside me.

"Could I be?" I ask, feigning thoughtfulness.

"Really you should-"

Getting up before I can finish the sentence, he freezes, in turn. "Shall we go? We're in the middle of the date now."

In the end, Heeseung is very different from how he introduced himself, almost giving me the impression that he is calmer than he wants to appear. His company is pleasant, and strangely he is not so annoying, yet he still doesn't convince me. But why?

"What if we order takeout and simply go home?" He asks me, after evidently thinking about it for a long time.

"Why?"

He looks at me, not answering.

"No, I told you I'm retiring. I'm tired."

Wait, Amanda, are you rejecting Lee Heeseung? And when did we agree to that? What exactly is going on?

"What?" He asks, but I wonder too.

"I don't… I don't feel like it, but we can play, though. I'm taking the laptop for that."

He looks at me again, then sketches a confused half-smile. "Ok, let's do it."

Oh no, I get it! Your tactic is much more devious, Amanda.

NEXT CHATPER:

TRAILER:

[harukamitsuki]

I'm procrastinating writing at the moment, so I decided to create a list of the things I hate about Voltron, a show I can't help but love and rewatch 200+ times. I mean. I've been pretty damn vocal about one thing in particular, but I should probably remind people I hate other things too so...

This list will be long, so read more under the cut!

1 - Okay, let's just get the obvious one out of the way: Lance. Reasons why can be seen here, here and here. The first link really goes into the details, the second one is more confusion as to why people think Lance is treated the worst, and the last is more why Lance would be horrible as Black Paladin. MOVING ON TO NEW POINTS!

2 - The ships. Specifically... ahem... Klance, Sheith, Allurance, Lotorance (Lotor/Lance), Shidge (Shiro/Pidge), Shance (Shiro/Lance). Those, in my opinion, are the top offenders. I've explained my grievances with Sheith in a post here. It's not that it's paedophillia, it's the bond. As for the rest, while I dabbled a bit in Klance and Allurance in the aforementioned posts against Lance, I've yet to actually explain.

First of all, the fans are awful. Tip: If you keep trying to force people to like your ship instead of letting them get to their own conclusions, they're just going to hate that ship even more. This isn't a Voltron-specific thing, but it's still rampant.

Second of all, Lance doesn't treat either of them well. He's constantly antagonising Keith, even when Keith stops biting back in season two. The closest he gets to respecting Keith is telling him to suck it up when he's upset that the Black Lion chose him. Keith does try to be amicable to Lance, but it doesn't work because Lance is always picking a fight.

And Allura. Lance is constantly ignoring her boundaries and invading them. There isn't a single moment where they're alone together and they feel like friends, much less pining, before season seven. The only time is when Allura encourages Lance to take up Red, and he didn't even notice she was upset that Red rejected her. In fact, Lance just keeps talking about himself and how he was rejected, ignoring how Allura was rejected twice, and by the Lion her father piloted. Allura also never reacts well to Lance's flirting, always ignoring him and frowning when he does. If Allura, at least, used to laugh at his terrible attempts at flirting, maybe I could try to believe it.

Third, general grievances with these ships.

Lotorance. Lance hated Lotor from the get-go. They barely have a scene together without Lance glaring at him. If they shared some sort of chemistry outside of Lance hating him from afar, and if the writers didn't make Lotor a twist villain for no reason, then maybe. As of now, I only like it as a complete crack ship.

Shidge. Pidge is fifteen. Shiro is twenty-five. You do the damn math.

Shance. I can definitely see Shiro being Lance's bi awakening, if I believed canon Lance was bi. (Canon Lance was straighter than a chopping board, but fanon Lance is a walking bi flag). But them being together? Ignoring that Lance is 17 and Shiro is 25, if you can do that, it wouldn't feel like a healthy relationship. Lance is blinded by hero worship and, from his canon personality, he likely wouldn't realise if Shiro isn't faring well or would just constantly pile his troubles onto him without thinking about if Shiro could handle it. So, yeah, don't like this ship.

So, yeah. I don't like any of the popular ships, which is surprising. I don't hate all of them. I do like Kallura, (should have been canon), and Shallura, (surprising, because I really do like gay!Shiro), and Shunk, (who doesn't, honestly?). But I tend to prefer the nicher ones. Katt (Keith/Matt), Heith (Hunk/Keith), Hance (Hunk/Lance)...

3 - The writing. Usually, I would respect the writers because it's hard as fuck to plan and write an entire series, but they just kept missing. They would set up so many interesting plots and ideas, only to do absolutely nothing with them. This, in and of itself, is not enough to make me lose respect, but that's not all. Plot holes, terrible escalations, too slow pacing, (slow burns are good - great, even - but not when things are supposed to be happening), horrible romances... It's to the point where, for a long while, I avoided the show and only read the fanfiction. There are so many people who don't watch the show, only exposed through fanfiction and social media posts, because the writing just isn't good.

The writers get things right few times. I'm sorry, but if your entire job is to write a coherent, well-thought out story, why did they do such a bag job at it? I'll tell you why - they let the fans control what they did. Shiro was never supposed to come back. He was supposed to die at the end of season two and never come back, but the fans wanted him back so guess what? The writers brought him back! In doing so, they cut right into Keith's character arc and made him go through it off-screen. The fans built Lance up as the main character and fan-favourite? Well, the writers just decide to hand him everything. Reward him for being the fan-favourite and then ruin his character by never making him work for what he got.

The writers decide to pull a J.K.Rowling and went 'aw, yeah, Lance is bisexual!' despite him never showing an interest in a guy throughout the entire show, other than being a big fan of Shiro. They throw in gay!Shiro at the literal last minute with some background character who only ever had one line. Thanks, DreamWorks. It's not like you could've just let Adam live so Shiro could be going home to SOMEONE.

Unexpected things always happen. An actor being unavailable, a sudden irl event making it so the episode you planned would appear tone-deaf, the joke you wrote was less funny and more offensive... So on and so forth. Sometimes you have no choice but to change what you have planned because delaying it would just make the studio and the fans mad. Just... TRY to make it make sense. And don't fold to the fans, dammit. Shiro should have stayed dead because he just doesn't do anything when Allura and Keith saved him. The main character should have stayed as an ensemble, rather than pushing Lance as the central focus, because it would have left less reasons for me to hate Lance and give other, specifically Hunk, the development they deserved.

The show also never adresses traumatising shit, (*cough cough* Keith's sacrifice attempt *cough cough*), but that can be forgiven because it was aimed at children. I do, however, like that LM corrected an interviewer when they asked about Keith 'attempting to kill himself'. It was quickly corrected to 'sacrificing himself' because that's what it was! I'm sick of people acting like he was suicidal because he wasn't. He was actively scared of what he was going to do, i.e. sacrifice his life for everyone's sake. He tried to do it for the greater good. Would you call one of the many who died during wars suicidal? No. You would call them noble and heroic for their sacrifice, because that's what they are. That is what Keith was trying to do. He saw the only way out and decided one life in exchange for the many is a damn good deal and took it. Saying he was depressed and suicidal is undermining the actions he took.

So, yeah. In my eyes, the writers did two good things. Correcting the mistake belief that Keith was suicidal, and creating this shit-fest of a show. (God, I love/hate Voltron).

4 - How Pidge is treated by the fandom. Pidge is so mean. She's rude and callous and selfish and that's okay. What's not okay is acting like these traits make her a queen. She's rude, fine. She's callous, fine. She's selfish, fine. She's incredible for this? Um, no? Stop treating her like she's just sassy. She's mean. I mean, not long after Shiro's death/disappearance, she calls Keith, who is mourning Shiro so deeply, a 'loner'. Without even getting to know him. She just deems him a loner, even though Keith is just so genuinely kind?

Don't get me wrong. I love Pidge. She's great and she's an absolute joy to write. I admire her tenacity in trying to find her missing family members while also able to put the universe before them. Watching her break down about Matt when she thinks he's dead is so utterly heartbreaking because I really did like her.

But acting as if she's perfect because of this? No way.

(Also, I refer to Pidge as 'she/her' only in these posts. I much prefer gender neutral or trans Pidge.)

5 - Hunk's treatment. He deserved SO MUCH BETTER! This sweet, precious boy. He's the only one who reacted approppriately to becoming a child solider. He's an anxious, terrified kid and he's still able to swallow that fear and fight on because there are people, people like Shay, who have no idea what freedom means and if the sky is blue.

He's the only one who has to find and fight for his family when they get back to Earth, which makes me sad. Very sad. He cares so much about his friends. Even if he's scared, he'll still put himself in danger for them.

But the narrative treats him like garbage, reducing him to the comedic, fat joke, while Lance never treats him like a best friend. He deserved so much more than what he was given.

6 - The people in charge were so obsessed with doing every character dirty. They wanted to keep Shiro death, wanted to kill Keith after admitting to not knowing where they were going with him, tried to kill Hunk who did nothing wrong to deserve this, and actually killed Allura off when they realised Allurance would not work in the long-term because Lance would not be able to part from Earth for so long while Allura would not be able to stay confined to Earth at all.

7 - Lance fans would hate him if he was white.

[elliespassagerprincess]

Can you do something with dye it red by beadbadoobee it’s her best songgg 💕

Hi anon! this song fucking slaps, its one of her best songs frrr... i hope you enjoy <3

This story is based off the song, Dye it red by beabadoobe, if you can please listen to the song as you're reading:)

Pairing: ellie x fem!reader

requests are always open, feel free to leave one:)

Warnings: murder, mentions of gore (not that graphic, but it's there), toxic situationship

Summary: In which you dyed your hair red

Authors note: thank you for 300 followers! I'm in tears, I love you all <3

Kiss my ass, you don't know jack

And if you say you understand, you don't

You don't

You don't

You don't

Fuck me, only when I'm keen

Not according to your beer

Your beer

Your beer

Your beer

you saw her contact name, appear on your phone. The red heart you put next to her name, mocking you.

god you were so stupid for falling for her

You hesitantly picked up the phone.

"Come over" you heard her demand from the other end. You could hear the music booming. She must've been at a party.

"Ellie" you said firmly. "You should stop calling me, I'm not a fucking dog that you can call, and expect to show up whenever you want"

"but I miss you baby" she slurred.

Yep, she was definitely drunk.

"Listen-" she started

"I know fucked up but I miss you-"

You didn't even let her finish before you ended the call.

You threw your phone onto the other side of the bed as you broke out in tears. You fell to knees as you held a pillow close to you. Normally Ellie would comfort you, but now she was the reason you were so broken.

You fucking hate love her.

Loud broken sobs left your mouth. She had no fucking right to call you. You deserved better, after what she put you through. The humiliation, the lies, the cheating- you didn't deserve that. No person does.

People like Ellie thought they were god. She always got what she wanted. She was always in control. She was attractive, confident. Narcissistic at times. She was a walking green flag.

Until the two of started seeing each other.

Ellie was nice to you in the beginning. She took you on dates, bought you everything, she spoiled you rotten. She made you soft.

When you thought the two of you were official, Ellie told you that she had been cheated on in the past and she couldn't commit. And you believed her.

You trusted her. You made excuses for her. You defended her.

The longer you and Ellie stayed in this 'relationship', the worse your life became.

You couldn't look in the direction of another women, but Ellie could flirt with as many as she wanted to. Ellie would go days without talking to you, only calling when she wanted a quick fuck.

It took you 7 months to realize that you meant nothing to her. And now here you were ignoring her calls, hoping that she'd leave you alone.

You couldn't block her, you loved her too much for that.

You were pathetic.

How could you love someone so heartless?

but the heart wants what it wants. And all you craved was Ellie.

You sobbed for hours.

Your eyes were puffy, your throat felt raw, before you picked up your phone again.

No calls or texts from her.

Wow.

And here you thought she was trying to fix things.

So let me be what I've wanted to be

So let me cut my hair and dye it red if I want to

I haven't found myself so comfortable

I'm not stopping n

Touch me as if you mean it

Accept I'm getting tired of being all alone

Alone

Alone

Alone

And if it's not from you

Guess I'll find it on my own

you looked yourself in the mirror as you the red dye stained your hair.

You felt free. Like you could actually express yourself.

With Ellie you felt alone. So empty. She controlled your every move. What you wore, your hairstyles, everything.

She'd call you doll because you were only a doll in her eyes. Someone she could dress up, fuck and leave when she was done.

You thought she'd loved you.

The way she touched you, made you feel loved. Her warm hands on her waist, the tender kisses she left on your forehead. It felt like love, but it wasn't.

You saw the way she touched Dina. She looked at her with the same eyes she looked at you with. The same touches, the same smile, and the same promises.

Fuck.

You wanted to vomit when you realized that you weren't the only one.

There was before Ellie. A girl who was insecure, someone who thought she deserves to be alone. There was during Ellie, a girl who was controlled and suppressed, now there's after Ellie.

Who were you? Who were you without her?

Maybe dying your hair red, could give you the identity you craved.

You watched the dye color the water red, as you rinsed it out.

It reminded you of blood. It reminded you of Ellie's blood that flowed after you payed her a visit earlier that day.

You dried your hair and you looked at yourself in the mirror. You looked good like this.

Dying it red was a good idea, after all.

Think I'd be better off alone

Now that I've had some time to think

I've had to put up with your shit

When you're not even that cute

And maybe it's time to change my ways

But that doesn't include you

you've put up with her shit too long. You knocked angrily at her door, you just wanted to see her stupid face and tell her what you fucking thought of her.

Ellie opened up the door, and she looked at you with grin on her face "I see you came.. I knew you couldn't resist me"

You wanted to punch her so bad.

You gave her a fake smile before answering "of course I did, anything for my favorite girl"

Ellie smiled at your response.

She's so pretty.

No, she's not. She isn't.

Pretty people aren't bitches you thought to yourself.

You were here for answers, not to admire her.

Ellie welcomed you in with open arms. You silently walked behind her, and you truly felt out of place in her apartment, even though you were here so many times.

Everything was fine before she had to open her goddam mouth.

"You're so fucking pathetic, you know that right? You ended my call, but yet you're here" she laughed.

You blacked out. You were so fucking angry.

In an instant you grabbed a vase that was next to you and you hit Ellie over the head. You fell to your knees as you repeatedly hit her head with the vase.

When you snapped back to reality the only thing you saw was, blood shards of glass and Ellie's bloody body on the floor.

The blood was oozing from her head as it colored her hair red.

You stared at the scene. You were a murderer.

You left her apartment instantly. Not looking back to see if she was alive, you just left. You couldn't be in the same room with the person you loved so much at one point. You took her fucking life.

You got the urge to dye your hair after you killed her. Her hair looked so pretty red, but yours looked better.

You were a new person now. With new confidence, looks and energy.

maybe she didn't die in vain.

The next month after Ellie's murder, it was all peaceful. No more calls, texts, or insults.

You were free. You weren't her toy anymore.

You were a new person, it's all thanks to the girl who hurt you so much.

[hyperlexichypatia]

One manifestation of the oppression of disabled people and young people is the collectivization of what should be purely individual decisions.

This is also why I identify so strongly as a liberal individualist, and why I believe that disability liberation requires a liberal individualist ethic.

I got into an argument with some people about parents "sending" their adult children to college (in the context of the spate of articles/discourse about "Don't send your daughter to college in an anti-abortion state") and, frustratingly enough, I didn't even get a chance to talk about what I actually wanted to talk about, which was educational coercion as a red flag for reproductive coercion (because if parents are sufficiently controlling of their adult daughter's life that they feel comfortable dictating where she's allowed to go to college, it seems probable that their support for abortion rights is motivated less by a commitment to reproductive autonomy and more by wanting the option to coerce their daughter into an abortion whether or not that's what she wants).

But I didn't even get to make that secondary point, because people kept insisting that parents controlling/restricting where their adult daughters can go to college isn't even a thing. I was completely imagining it! Or misunderstanding it! That's not a real thing!

They seemed to think that I seemed to think that parents were hog-tying their daughters and dragging them kicking and screaming off to university -- and that any coercion just short of that is "her choice" and not coercion at all.

And that's not what most forms of familial coercion look like at all -- at least not familial coercion of legal adults who theoretically (but not in practice) have legal autonomy.

Familial coercion of theoretically legally autonomous adults more often takes the form of collectivizing what should be a purely individual decision. Along with financial abuse, it's the go-to tactic of controlling families. Sometimes it's a last resort before pulling the trigger of institutionalization, and sometimes it's just the default way of interacting. Just explain to the person you're trying to control what We As A Family have decided is best. Or maybe you ask her thoughts, make her feel included in the process. She should have a say. You're taking her wishes into account.

It's always a huge red flag when someone "has a say" or is "included in the process" of a decision that should be solely xyrs in the first place.

See, I almost said "that should solely be theirs," because I usually use singular "they" as the gender-neutral pronoun to refer to a general person like "someone" or "anyone." But I avoid it when I'm writing about autonomy issues, because people are so eager to interpret "they" as collective. I have so many conversations like: "Every disabled person should have the right to choose where they live." "Yes, every Special Needs Family should decide what's best for them as a family." or "Everyone should have the right to make their own medical decisions about their own body." "Yes, every care team should decide for each patient as an individual, on a case-by-case basis."

So in those contexts, I choose my words more carefully.

Sometimes this is framed as some kind of "fairness," and people who want complete autonomy are framed as "unfair" or "unwilling to compromise" or "wanting everything your own way" -- which is also framed as "immaturity," and obviously, if you're too immature to just be reasonable about other people trying to control your life, then surely you're too immature to make your own decisions!

But if the topic is your own body and your own life, you should want everything your own way, actually. You shouldn't have to compromise, actually. It's yours. It doesn't get put to a vote! It doesn't get referred to a committee! It's yours.

[lily-orchard-gossip-blog]

Time to do another dramatic reading of our least favourite avatar.

Today, I will be subjecting myself and all of you to the vignette titled "space".

Unfortunately, it's not about the cool space. Which is a shame, because that would have less incest in it.

I wish I was joking.

So we once again start off with a republic city tabloid making the Avatar upset.

That is twice that this framing device has been used, and while this vignette came first, I think Lily needs to come up with a better opener. We can only have Niva read so many tabloids, and getting upset by it, as a framing device so many times before I start to question why Niva keeps reading them.

And because the author has a barely disguised fetish, we get to jump right into the incest using the tabloids as an excuse:

WHO TALKS LIKE THAT TO THEIR SISTER????

If people are reading your behaviour as romantic, to the point that it's getting printed into tabloids, it really makes me question just what you were doing to give off that impression. (We get a good idea of this pretty fast in this vignette.)

If I didn't know they were sisters, I would think they are dating.

Because this is a couple spat.

As for the claim that people can't comprehend sincere devotion without sex, well, if the Avatar and her sister are always touching each other in public in the ways that lovers do, then it isn't the public who is misreading the situation.

Again, this isn't how SIBLING'S talk.

This is how romantic partners speak to each other.

If I can pull this lines out, and show them to a total normie, and they would think this is a couple, then you have written a romance, not a sisterly bond.

And I'm sorry, but if someone is always having their arms wrapped around each other in rather intimate ways, and talking about how devoted they are to said person, then people are going to make assumptions. It's not them misunderstanding what they're seeing or reading too much into it. It's them seeing how too people are acting, and making a conclusion.

Alright, moving on.

Here's a red flag for any relationship:

Our supposedly confident, self actualized Avatar needs an excuse to assert her boundaries.

So either the Avatar isn't actually a confident, self actualized badass like Lily claims, or, her sister has reacted negatively to demands for space in the past, making the avatar nervous about asking for said space without an excuse.

Either way, this is yikes behaviour, and something any other author would explore, but we all know Lily won't explore it.

We then get a little bit about how Niva hate's Republic City because it makes her feel overwhelmed and overstimulated, which if Niva is meant to be on the spectrum, is a nice bit of character building.

We then get them bashing the food in Republic City because it's "corporate" and then Lavi tells her to "just be honest about her need for space", they hug, and we end on this groaner:

Probably the most normal part of this relationship, and guess what?

It sucks.

I think it's the last two lines. They just scream "I need a witty closer".

And that was Space.

I think I need Space from it. 🤣😭

This was another episode in our growing series called "the author's barely disguised fetish". And while I'm certain Lily gets a lot of enjoyment out of subjecting people to it without their knowledge or consent, I do not.

And I went into this knowing exactly what it was going to contain.

To summarize my thoughts on this literal nothingburger of a story...

I don't have any.

Despite being gross because of the incest, it really doesn't actually tell you much about the characters outside Niva feeling like she can't even ask for space from her sister, which would be fine... if Niva wasn't supposed to be a self-confident badass. So now it just reads as problematic, but we all know this will never be addressed.

Honestly, the incest is the only thing that either of those characters have going for them, and that's both parts gross, tragic and hilarious.

Now get out of my house.