#because i worked hard to get into uni and it is a PRIVILEGE to be able to access higher education

[jayteacups]

Don’t you just love it when you have a complete crisis over every tiny aspect of your life???

[matchaelette]

GIF from pinterest

when exhausted jungkook is equal to a cranky jungkook but you’re just a simple girl

summary: idol!jk and oc!ash, established relationship, both ash and jungkook are working very hard and they’re exhausted to the point where it feels like they might drop dead soon. kook gets frustrated because ash won’t pay him enough attention but soon she ends up pampering his majesty’s ass anyways. also, there’s a backdrop on ash’s life; she is a musician and a part of iu’s band.

genre: pure fluff.

warning: none. go crazy children

word count: 4.5k

notes: I know I know, like, a part of iu’s band? isn’t that a bit too much? nah it’s not. I have enough reality chasing me irl, let me have my fun here. also, I hope ya’ll are doing okay. a new year comes with a lot of expectations and responsibilities so don’t be too hard on yourselves <3 happy 2024 peeps :D

“what. do you want. jeon jungkook.”

“ooh she used the full name, have I been a bad boy?”, the words tumble down your boyfriend’s lips with a dramatic flare, followed by a mischievous twinkle in his eyes, unfazed by the sheer force of your previous sentence, “what do you mean what do I want? attention and affection, of course.”

not that you’re counting, but what you assume to be the nineteenth sigh tonight, leaves your lips. your eyelids were so heavy that you doubted if even a fire in the building could wake you up. exhaustion tore at your limbs and you didn’t have the power to lift your eyelids to shoot a glare at your golden retriever boyfriend, let alone muster enough energy to face him and provide him... what did he say again? attention and affection.

you’ve been tirelessly working throughout the week, barely having time to eat or sleep. almost every day you’re coming back home at four in the morning, when jungkook is sound asleep, and leaving again in three hours, when he is yet to wake up. it’s the first time in quite a few days that you came home at a reasonable hour and were tangled in the bed with a very much awake jungkook. but as much as you want to entertain him, your body does not seem willing to cooperate.

you’re a musician, and boy when you pursued a music career, you never thought it could ever make you tired. music has been your love and your life since you could remember and a very fundamental part of your life. whether it was humming random strings of sounds while having your diaper changed as a baby (your parents’ word) or singing meaningless lyrics to any tune you heard when you started talking (again, your parents’ word), your love for music has always just grown. you’re now a full-blown musician, having the privilege to work with all the a-rated musicians of the world. you are pretty much a regular member of iu’s band— iu being the living legend of korea and the forever-long crush of jungkook’s life— but you still worked with other artists from time to time, sometimes as a producer, sometimes as a composer.

throughout your high school years, you developed a reputation as the person who would randomly start humming during examinations, writing lyrics on her exam papers, and always playing instruments or plainly singing in every single school function. and if that wasn’t a wake-up call, getting scouted as a musician through your personal instagram was certainly one. it happened right during the end of high school when you were preparing for uni, and the single event changed everything in your life. you were scouted by an agency called bighit, and they convinced you to audition, intriguing you enough to skip school one day and show up in a rusty building in the gangnam district of seoul with a guitar hanging on your shoulder. impressed by your skills, they signed you up as a trainee.

it was one of the best things that happened in your life.

ironically, it was also where you met your boyfriend for the first time.

saying your parents weren’t happy when you decided to completely backtrack from uni and focus solely on music would be an understatement. you were always an exceptional student— part of the reason your teachers would always overlook you humming in class or using your projects as a canvas for your musical colors— and were supposed to major in business studies as your parents’ wishes. while it was never something you hated— in fact, you always thought that you’d rather be a super successful businesswoman if you couldn’t be a musician— but having your first choice being handed to you on a silver platter, you'd be a fool not to take it. your parents were enraged, they cut you off from the family entirely, but you were nothing if not stubborn. determined to make it, alone if you have to, you've worked your ass off for all these years to get into the position you’re in now, a place where your name is gold-plated in the music industry.

but success was never truly your goal. your goal was to simply stay immersed in a world of music and you can’t help but take pride of how far all alone. but working like your life depended on it became sort of a habit, sometimes to the point where a singular musical note could make you groan. you don’t sing as much as you used to back in high school, instead, you use up all your time to compose music and play the guitars for iu.

said idol is supposed to be having a comeback very soon, somewhere your boyfriend’s bandmate was also going to star— kim taehyung— and so work has been extra draining lately, with everyone trying to master every single detail and point.

“kook, stoooop”, you whine, burying your face in the soft pillow, waterfalls of hair obscuring your vision as you make a feeble attempt to wriggle out of jungkook’s grasp. but he is relentless. he rolls his eyes and manhandles you back into his arms, causing you to let out a small yelp as your back presses against his chest.

jungkook, himself, was tired as hell. while you were coming back at four in the morning, he was coming back at three, working equally hard as you. jungkook is always driven by his passions and he never hesitates to work hard for it, but despite that fact, this week has been particularly challenging, especially with the pressure of working on his own solo album. the lack of food and sleep was almost getting to him, leaving him irritable to the point where he almost snapped at the choreographer. although he apologized quickly, he noticed that he was in the mood where people pick up fights for no reason. he decided to just come back home and get some rest before something else could provoke him, but when he discovered you were at home as well, he couldn’t help but get clingy. after all, you guys haven’t properly talked for weeks.

and he missed you.

“c’mon, I can’t even see your face”, jungkook props himself up on his elbow, his breath gently fanning your face.

“we’ve already established the fact i’m pretty. let me sleep, kook.”

“aren’t pretty faces meant to be looked at?”

jungkook furrows his brows when he gets no answer from you. he blinks furiously to keep his own exhaustion at bay and studies your face to see if you’ve already drifted off to sleep. your eyes are closed, and he can feel the steady rhythm of your heart inside the hoodie of his that you’re wearing. he can also sense you’re not asleep though. not yet anyway.

“babeee”, jungkook lets out a high-pitched whimper and immediately yelps when you elbow him in the ribs but he isn’t sure which one strikes a nerve, the elbow or the words that follow.

“dude, would you please let me sleep? I am tired as fuck and I have to wake up early”, you grit your teeth in clear annoyance, not even bothering to open your eyes, “unlike some people”

jungkook feels a twinge of guilt, but he can also feel a surge of a new emotion. anger? before he can fully comprehend what is going on, inconsiderate words escape his mouth.

“so am I. but you don't see me complaining all the time.”

your eyes fly open. before you can fully discern their meaning of jungkook’s words, he moves away from you, retreating completely to his side of the bed and putting as much space between your bodies as possible. you use your last fragments of remaining energy to prop yourself up into a half-seated position to face him, but jungkook has already turned his back on you.

“what is that supposed to mean?”

silence.

“jungkook, what the hell was that supposed to mean?”

“go to sleep, okay?”, his quiet voice makes you falter and you immediately understand that he is angry. though for what, you don’t quite understand.

“jungkook, i’m sleepy, okay? and—”

“then sleep! no one’s stopping you now.”

“but you’re mad at me for being tired! how is that fair? i’ve been working like crazy—”

“geez, sorry for being unfair, ash”, sarcasm drips from jungkook’s voice and you don’t like that in the slightest, “I also have to wake up early, earlier than you in fact, so please let me sleep.”

an uncomfortable silence follows his sentence.

“alright”, you sigh and drop it after staring at his back for a few seconds. you don’t want to get into an argument now, not when both of you are on the verge of collapsing, prone to say things you don’t mean at all. you’d rather sleep and deal with it in the morning when both of you are well rested and not running on two hours of sleep and a shit ton of caffeine.

it’s not always you get to see this side of jungkook. anyone who knows him knows that the boy is crafted from starry skies and honeyed galaxies alone, always smiling a bit too easily and lighting everyone around him as bright as the evening star.

however, every time you see a crack at his easy, carefree demeanor, you can’t help but feel a sense of helplessness within. jungkook doesn’t get irritated often and certainly not easily, but when he does, his behavior takes a different turn. he doesn’t shout or scream or take his anger out on inanimate objects as you tend to do. instead, he completely shuts himself out of the world. every curt answer feels like a form of silent treatment, every word spoken laces itself with sarcasm, always hitting where it hurts the most. even though he never takes his anger out on you, you don’t like seeing him like this.

if you knew he would react like this, you would have given a little more effort to remain awake in his company. jungkook may be childish but he rarely behaves like this. and you’re just a simple girl, hopelessly in love with the boy who has his back turned to you.

“goodnight”, you draw closer to him and drape an arm around his waist hesitantly. when he doesn’t stir or reply, a dejected sigh escapes your lips. nonetheless, you tenderly wrap the blanket around him and nestle your face at the nape of his neck, inhaling the familiar scent of fresh linen and mint.

despite the fatigue draping your limbs, despite jungkook starting to softly snore within minutes, it takes you an entire hour to fall asleep.

you let out yet another groan as memories from last night come flooding back into your mind. it has been like that all day, the memories coming and going as they pleased, striking you with a sense of disappointment every time they do. jungkook was already gone when you woke up in the morning and despite knowing he had an early schedule, you couldn't help but feel downhearted.

you immediately checked your phone back then, hoping to find a message from him but much to your disappointment, there was none. both you and jungkook had quite hectic schedules, but it became an unspoken agreement in the house to update each other about your days ever since you moved in together. jungkook would always leave little neon post-its on the fridge with messages— reminder to eat something before you get coffee!!! and call me after you wake up, let’s get lunch together??? — whenever he left the house before you were up and vice versa. soon, the post-its turned into text messages because it was always easier in the rush of the mornings. jungkook would always wake up to texts from you— before you get mad, I did kiss you before leaving but you wouldn’t budge— and he would instantly call you to check if your schedules aligned and if he could pick you up after work.

but having no text from jungkook this morning could mean only one thing.

he is still mad.

despite being agitated because of your lack of basic human activities, you pushed aside those emotions and called him immediately. you got more worried when jungkook didn’t pick the phone up because you knew he wasn’t one to hold petty grudges. you reluctantly dragged yourself out of bed then, brushing and getting ready to face the day. now that you’ve had gained a few hours of rest, you realized how tired jungkook looked last night. you could almost hear the constant grumbles from his stomach that pointed out how hungry he was. But he kept saying that he didn’t have the energy to eat. you could see the swollen eyelids and the purple hue outlining it more clearly, how he walked unsteadily as if he was drunk.

jungkook called you back while you were on your way to work. you weren’t really surprised but it still dissipated some of your nerves. he explained that his phone was on silent and he didn’t see your call but his voice still sounded distant and his responses were short. he also mentioned that he might not come home tonight, hoping to squeeze in some extra practice hours.

he didn’t call you once for the rest of the day.

very un-jungkook of him.

and you were too busy to call him.

it is nearly midnight now. you find yourself inside your car, driving through the dimly lit streets of seoul. despite the hour, the city is bustling, alive with people and emotions. driving through the city always puts you at ease; you hated crowds but you loved observing people, the multitudes of emotions they go through every moment, making every one so much different than another but still intricately woven within love and life.

after the long day, you yearned for the warmth and comfort of your bed, considering skipping the shower part because that’s how drained you were. you didn’t eat anything all day, something that has become a routine now, save for the apple you grabbed while leaving the house in the morning. minus the seven-something cups of coffee.

yet you find yourself driving in the direction of the hybe studios.

you’re almost near the building when a sudden realization makes you click your tongue in annoyance. should have gotten some flowers. why did I not think of that before?

you park your car and make your way inside the extravagant building. the staff knew you well by now, both from your days as a trainee and your frequent visits to your boyfriend and his bandmates. you ascend to the top floor of the establishment, going straight toward one of the empty practice rooms jungkook loves to use whenever he is rehearsing on his own.

pushing the door open, you enter the room. the space is slightly dark, only illuminated with neon purple lights, ridiculously confirming your boyfriend’s presence to you. call it jungkook being jungkook, but your boyfriend hates harsh lights. you don’t doubt that he would happily reside in the darkness for the rest of his life if he was asked to.

you spot jungkook in the farthest corner of the room— hybe practice rooms are scarily huge— a blur of black sweats and bobbing hair, vigorously throwing hooks and uppercuts at the gray punching bag hanging in front of him. even from a distance you can see that he is completely absorbed in his own world, a side of him that you have come to know well over the years. this jungkook is full of energy and passion. this jungkook is the golden maknae of bts, putting his heart and soul into whatever he was working on, squeezing every last drop of capability, and surpassing every single one of his limits every minute. this is the boy who keeps on giving birth to beauty, elegance, and unparalleled talent.

you didn’t like to disrupt jungkook’s concentration when he was working so you decide to sit silently until he noticed your himself. however, concern washes over you when you see the lack of gloves in his hand. instead, his hands are wrapped with gauze and tape as he mercilessly throws jabs at the punching bag, and you can notice the blood seeping through the rips of the cloth around his knuckles.

“are you trying to piss me off on purpose?”, you hiss softly, walking towards him and putting your palm on his shoulder so as not to scare him. but jungkook yelps in shock anyways, bambi eyes wide and startled like a deer caught in front of headlights.

“ash?”

“why are you not wearing gloves?”, you take his hands into your own, flinching when you get a good look at it. his knuckles were visible through the torn cloth, red and angry, blood seeping through the gashes on his skin.

“sorry—”, jungkook throws you a sheepish glance, recovering from the initial shock, “—when did you come here? wait, why are you here?”

“to kick your ass”, you say, exasperated, “seriously jungkook, how hard is it to wear a glove? you just take the damn thing and squeeze your hand insi—”

“I did! but then it tore somehow”

you scowled.

“it’s true! look! I threw it on the ground when it ripped. it’s still there!”

“then don’t punch so hard!”

“but I have to train!”, jungkook pouted, hoping his cute facial expression would calm you down. you scowled more.

you huff, releasing his hands and making your way toward the line of closets in the back of the room. it’s where the first aid kits are usually kept. you know every practice room in the entire building has one or two of these because this is where most of the accidents happens. you can sense jungkook’s gaze following you but he remains mute.

getting what you need, you take a seat on the furnished floor and pat it, urging jungkook to do the same. he falls silent once again, any surprise from your unexpected arrival which urged him to talk normally wore off and the tension was back.

jungkook complies and sits down in front of you. he takes a good few seconds to stare at your outstretched palms before sighing in defeat and offering you his hands when he notices your enraged glare. He doesn’t want to be on the receiving end of your rage. and doesn’t matter he says, he would be lying if he said his hands didn’t throb from the pain.

you carefully remove the white gauges from his hands, wincing when more blood oozes out. looking at red cuts and bruises across his skin almost physically pains you, but jungkook stays completely silent, eyes drinking you in. he recalls being mad at you but he can’t quite recall the reason. it’s not because he can't remember now, especially with you here, tending to his wounds in such a delicate manner that you fear you would hurt him. as if something as gentle as your touch could ever cause him harm. not because you look like you were put on this earth to solely heal his hands. and not because you showed up here unannounced. because he genuinely can’t remember what made him so mad at you last night, literally out of thin air, and now he feels embarrassed at his own immaturity.

he just couldn’t figure out how to approach you after being a total jerk.

weird how humans tend to hurt the ones they love the most, almost always for no particular reason at all.

you finish your work wordlessly, putting band-aids around his knuckles and ointment on the cuts peppering his fingers. letting his hands fall onto his lap, you gather the bloodied materials from the floor and rise up to throw them in the waste paper box. jungkook follows your suit, standing up cluelessly.

“you’re gonna start throwing punches again?”

“hmm? uh no— I think I will practice the choreographies now”

“okay”, you sigh.

jungkook looks like hell, you realize. his messy hair is messier than usual, sticking out wildly at all angles, eyes droopy and rimmed with circles darker than you remember seeing last night. sweat glistened on his hunched figure tired from the physical exertion, soaking his sweatshirt.

you know you look just as worn out as him. you can feel it by the way he looks at you.

“uh so— are you gonna drive ho—”

“come with me.”

jungkook’s eyes widen as you wrap your arms around his torso, hiding your head on his chest. while a sweaty jungkook usually makes you giggle out a gross and maneuver far away, you hug him with gentle ardor, more so than usual.

you just want him to come home tonight.

“ash, sweetheart, i’m sweating”, jungkook tries to pry himself away from you but you just hold him tighter.

“don’t care. please come home.”

jungkook goes limp in your clutch for a few seconds before he’s softly hugging you back. of course, he would go home if you wanted him to, you didn’t need to ask him twice. who the heck is he to deny you? always a prisoner to your wishes, always prisoner to your love, and gladly so. how could he not? he rests his chin on your head and sways your body from side to side in a rhythm.

“okay”

“really?”

“really.”

the drive back home was short.

you drove, as jungkook was all out of it. he didn’t have the physical and mental coordination to walk down the building to the car, how the boy was gonna rehearse overnight, you had no idea.

“whoops, babe how were you gonna dance?” you supported his weight leaning down on you while you were walking, steading yourself before both of you fell on the ground, one arm wrapped around his torso, his figure hunched and head resting on your neck.

“I can walk. I am just choosing not to since you’re here”, he flashed you a grin with his eyes closed.

after arriving home, jungkook went straight to the shower and for a few seconds, you contemplated joining him. however, recalling how jungkook’s grumbling tummy throughout the whole ride, made you change your decision. he mentioned that he didn’t eat anything fulfilling all day. that is why you told him to freshen up and made a beeline towards the kitchen to make some instant ramen, not very healthy but quick and easy, and always gratifying.

so here you are now, serving ramen into two bowls with the leftover kimchi you guys had in the fridge. sleepiness makes your eyelids droop and you feel like prying them open with scotch tapes.

like tom, you snort to yourself, from tom and jerry.

man, you loved that cartoon during your childhood.

after all these years, you still don’t know if you’re team tom or team jerry.

hearing a faint clicking sound, you turn around and see jungkook approaching you, shirtless and clad in sweatpants. the shower had done marvels because he looks as attractive as he always does, with the water dripping down his damp hair onto the well-defined muscles in his chest. feeling a blush creep in, you quickly avert your eyes.

both of you are tired enough without resorting to er— any other activities for the night.

“what are you doing in the kitchen?” jungkook stares at you with confused doe eyes.

“putting food on the table like the dutiful girlfriend I am.”

“pretty sure that’s wife material”, jungkook whispers as he works his way into your arms, tugging your waist flushed with his.

“kook, you need to dry your hair properly! you’ll catch a cold”, you scold him softly, feeling greasy when you see him so fresh and glowy. you card a hand through his locks, feeling it to be more sopping than it seemed. you break free from his grasp to grab a towel from the washroom, ignoring the loud protests.

“sit”, you command, gesturing for jungkook to sit on one of the stools lining the kitchen island. when he complies, you gently massage his head with the towel, squeezing every last drop of remaining water from his hair. jungkook prefers to air dry his hair when he is at home, allowing it to get some rest from all the heat and styling he has to do on a regular basis, but he also religiously manages to forget at least soaking the water out.

he grabs you closer by pulling your waist. you stand between his thighs and continue massaging his scalp while he muffles his face on your chest, desperately seeking your warmth and comfort. a smile stretches across your face watching jungkook moan in satisfaction.

“how are the hands?”

“mmm good. need to put more band-aids”, his voice comes out hoarse being squished in your chest, “you didn’t need to cook. I know you are tired.”

“but i’m hungry too”

“oh. let’s eat then! it smells so fucking good!”

and jungkook’s sudden burst of enthusiasm prompts a hearty laugh from you, endeared to your core, just as you always find yourself enamored by his every action.

“what. do you want. jeon jungkook.”

jungkook’s soft laughter echoes inside the room in response to the aggression in your tone. he pulls you closer to himself, wrapping an arm tightly around your torso once your back is secured against his chest. after finishing your meal, jungkook volunteered to clean the dishes while we waited for you to take a shower. now that both of you are clean and full, you find yourselves tangled together in bed once again; your usual routine, you trying to sleep and jungkook trying to keep you awake.

“I want you to eat well. I want you to sleep well. you. I want you. always you”, he presses his face in your hair, taking in the aroma of wood and wild berries.

“and I am sorry”, he adds quietly.

you stir when you hear his words, turning around in his hold to face him. you know what he is apologizing for.

“well, you should be.”

“I really am.”

“i'm kidding, kook. you don’t need to be sorry. you were tired and—”

“but see, that’s the thing! every time I tell you that i’m tired and just want to sleep, you make damn sure I get some actual rest but I—”, he gestures at himself, looking at you with utmost concentration, “start acting like a spoiled child when I don’t get absolutely one hundred percent of your attention.”

“can't really disagree with that.”

“hey!”

“your words, not mine!”, you let out a squeal as jungkook tries to tickle you, holding him tighter in an attempt to make him stop, “love, that’s a part of you. and I adore that. that you feel comfortable enough to get mad at me for nothing. I don’t want you all smiley and cheery, without the bad things. I love you. and I want you as... you.”

“however annoying you may be”, you add as an afterthought.

jungkook scrunches his nose, “I am pretty annoying from time to time, aren’t I?”

“oh boy, you have no idea.”

“wow. am I imagining things or does everyone feel like you’re in a mood to constantly attack me tonight?”, he hugs you tighter if possible, shrugging, “my fault for loving you so much, I guess.”

“well, I am very lovable.”

“...oh boy, you have no idea.”

[kitsuvil]

— confines [picturesque/ayato smau]

[ masterlist ] — last chapter of the first arc ! this has a written part

I rubbed at the crust in my eyes, knowing that there was no plausible way for me to actually fall asleep again. Being in such close proximity with Ayato made my heartbeat spike, despite having told myself multiple times that it's a normal reaction and doesn't really mean anything. What could it possibly mean, anyway?

It's nothing new to feel excited or have adrenaline when you're with someone you appreciate. Of course, I never felt this way with any of my friends, but perhaps it was just a new platonic feeling. Right. Just platonic.

My gaze fell on his sleeping face, quiet and at peace. Until he slowly opened his eyes and stared at me, disoriented confusion glazed over his squinting eyes. "[Name]?" He looked around. "What time is it?" Ayato yawned like a tired cat.

"It's still morning. I'm sorry for accidentally staying the night, on your couch with you no less," the last part came out in a whisper. "As long as you had a pleasant sleep." Ayato's morning voice had an alluring rasp to it, some of his words slurring together.

"The sleep was fine, but after waking up... I can't say the same," I laughed in pity of my churning stomach. I did this to myself, so I couldn't whine and complain, but the more I sat around, the worse it felt. Silly hot pot challenge.

"I would question it, but I think I already know why."

"This is your fault for making me add the weirdest ingredients into the hotpot. And Thoma still won against me."

"You two share the competitive spirit," Ayato laughed as he rubbed the sleep from his eyes and attempted to get up. "Do you need me to take you home?"

He stretched his limbs out from the stiff position he was sleeping in, and I couldn't help but admire his look in the mornings. Only he would look so charming after a night of sleeping on the couch.

"I would say yeah... But this couch is so comfortable. What if I stay here."

"You're welcome to, I won't stop you," Ayato's eyebrow raised in curiosity.

"If I go home, it means I have to return to the daily routine of doing more and more classwork. Tomorrow is Monday, and immediately, I'm back to the same schedule," I sighed. "On top of that, my stomach is gluing me to this couch..." I trailed off awkwardly as my stomach grumbled.

"Aren't you enjoying your time in university? Majoring in photography and all, doing what you love?"

Ayato sat back down on the couch beside me. I wasn't going to elaborate any further, but with how willing he was to listen and the distraction to my stomach pain, I found myself bringing more thoughts to the open world.

"Of course. But what else do I face other than assigned work and unwilling projects?"

I continued, not wasting a chance to get my words out. "I feel privileged to be studying my dream already, but the more I struggle to keep up, the more it feels like a chore."

There was no way Ayato would have felt this. Being forced to sit through courses when all you really want is to be out there. He's the one who had the ability for a sudden trip overseas and was able to experience so much. Not to mention, he willingly began to attend. He's skilled, but it was already laid out for him.

And it makes me feel like I'm falling behind.

I didn't want to look at him negatively, I knew how hard he worked, so perhaps the problem was with me. University made me feel like a cooped up farm animal.

"[Name], if you feel this way, why wouldn't you speak about it earlier on? Not in a pressuring way, but you shouldn't have to bottle up frustrations like this. Part of the reason why I'm so successful is because I learned to speak for myself early on."

The fatigue of the situation was almost completely gone as adrenaline took over, part of me anxious that I was whining about my personal thoughts to Ayato like this. "It's for the exact reason I mentioned earlier. It's already such a special thing to attend Teyvat Uni for photography, which is why I shouldn't be expecting more."

"Do you know why I began to attend in the first place?"

"Because you wanted to fool around and get a taste of this life?" I laughed, slightly sarcastic.

"Not at all. [Name], I signed up for this university to meet people, great people like you who have so much potential. There are many students who visibly dull their own shine by putting themselves up against people who do things differently. Do not contain yourself to a single box when the world is out there waiting for you."

"But the world is like a galaxy away when I'm confined to projects and such."

"It doesn't have to be. Just because you set yourself to this standard does not mean you belong in it. Humanity is unique. Perhaps this confined life just isn't meant for you."

I pursed my lips, pondering over his advice. A leap into the world without formal education was like a leap into the abyss.

"How about this, next time I have a place I want to visit, we'll travel together. We can come up with ideas for your future. Two brains are better than just one, right?"

I had to laugh at his poor attempt to drag me into his strange and successful life. However,

"Fine. But if it doesn't work, I'm going back to drowning in assignments."

I fell into that sirenlike attempt.

"Thank you for hearing me out... For now, I think you need something to help with that stomach bug. How does some soup sound?" Ayato stood back up.

"Soup? I'm not sure if my stomach can take any more weird things. Is this your girl math at trying to cancel one with the other?"

I felt warm from his words. It's like a few photos had finally printed out, and there was a new stack of film sitting in my heart.

"No! I promise, it's the soup Thoma makes for us when we're unwell... I just don't know how well it'll turn out. I never do this kind of thing. There's a reason Thoma is like a mother to us... but I can try."

"Then, I'm sure even your suspicious attempt will work to improve my health. Thank you. For trying to not only make me feel better physically, but for being here to listen to my strange sick ramblings."

— hehe this chapter has much cuties much fluff much comfort!! unfortunately couldnt translate that in just photos aaaa </3 taking a few days from writing as a break until act 2 starts teehee

— taglist; @griseoo @fangygf @boxxd @driftwoodmanor @meigalaxy @kyon-cherri @xiaossocksniffer @quacking-simp @kaitfae @imgayandshesanime @lxry-chxn @ni-ki-ismyluv @cante-lope @kookiibun @kamisatoyato

[from-izzy]

[03:21] | tbz kim sunwoo

then at least you'll know that you tried

​PAIRING » tbz kim sunwoo x gn!reader (not proofread! tell me if i made a mistake!) TROPE/AU » established relationship au!, non-idol au!, smau...? text messages!! GENRE »​ hurt/comfort...?, sunwoo just being a supportive boyfriend because i think it suits him so so so much, fluffy fluff fluff fluff, angst, reader is going through a new phase in her uni/educational life, playful banter between them two, but sunwoo and reader love each other a lot, sunwoo is so cute (this is the type of partner i want tbh...) WORD COUNT » 486 ESTIMATED READING TIME » ~2 mins WARNINGS (lmk if i missed anything!) » mentions of anxiety/nervousness relating to university/education, not proofread at all

navi/masterlist!! 🤍 part of 'especially to you...'

i literally woke up twice during the night because of the new and unexpected changes relating to my uni journey. i think it's been weighing on me a lot because i never thought and had no expectations that i would be given the opportunity to move to a bachelor degree that will benefit me a lot.

i'm just a second year in university right now and i don't know whether i have enough experience to say this but to all of you hesitating and scared of new experiences, i understand you so much and i hope you'll be able to pick a decision for YOURSELF that will make you happy. uni is important. education is one of my core values but what is knowledge if you need to sacrifice happiness? education is a privilege, yes i get that but don't forget that to keep going in life, you must stay true to yourself first and foremost. and i can tell you now that hard work WILL NEVER betray you. i've always been stuck in this awkward position between the middle and high scores in high school but now in uni, though it's hard, psychology is something i love so much and now that i'm given this opportunity, though i'm nervous, i know it'll be worthwhile and i can only hope the same for you too.

i'm proud of you all. keep going!! you got this!!

thank you to all my friends who sat through and just listened to me rant about this, you gave me a lot of strength and courage. i love you all so much.

navi/masterlist!! 🤍 'especially to you...' tags (send a dm/ask if you would like to be here!): @deoboyznet 📢❤️ @k-labels 💙🤍 @k-films 🤎🎞️ @kflixnet 📺🍿 @heemingyu

[torialefay]

Oh and adding to the 'skz is a product' conversation you had with @escapetheshark is how financially privileged all the members were before debuting- like 99% of idols are.

You have to have parents who can afford vocal, instrumental, dance lessons, time to take you to auditions, tutoring etc.

Idk about the other members but I've been to a few suburbs where Chris grew up in Australia and those houses go for like 2-3 million AUD in today's housing market-

And no I didn't stalk the area- I have friends at uni who grew up in the same suburbs hence why I've been there.

Yeah they absolutely worked their arses off and have sacrificed their mental, emotional and physical health and they deserve all the money and success in the world.

But a huge chunk of their fame is also because they had the privilege and choice in having enough support and $$$ to begin their idol journey in the first place.

i never would've thought chris' family had money like that tbh 😭

&& yes absolutely. ynfortubately, i feel like that's the way of the world in MOST things. opportunities a lot of times come down to resources. not that it can never happen for people who don't have the financial means, but it sure as hell makes it a lot more difficult.

and yessss they have worked so hard to get to where they are & they deserve every ounce to it. but for everyone who says that they "started from nothing and had no support," it's just like... we've gotta be honest with ourselves lol

[youremyheaven]

Hi! I’m 21 and my Saturn mahadasha started in 2021, do you have any advice on how to get through it and come out happy? I’m starting uni soon and now I’m worried things won’t get better 😬🥲 I should be more optimistic though 💪

I’m UBP sun and mercury btw! With swati moon and ardra rising

Saturn dasha is the longest, so this will be the next 16-17 years of your life ✨

Everybody makes Shani (Saturn in Sanskrit) dasha sound scary as hell but I assure you, so long as you do your part, Saturn will do his.

What does this mean?

Saturn represents justice, fairness, dharma, duty, discipline, time, karma, punishment etc

Adhere to its principles and he a good student because Saturn is a strict teacher

Do not try to cheat or loot anybody

Don't try to take shortcuts

Don't even think of doing anything "immoral" ,, other people probably get away with that type of stuff but you 100% shouldn't try to imitate them because God will use you as an example 😤

Do not lie to others about anything major

Always be fair and kind

Do not SLACK, always put the work in

Always be punctual and do whatever is required of you

Always be kind to those who are less privileged than you, the elderly, the sick, the poor etc

Be fair and just,, don't be partial to people in ways that hurt others who are perhaps just as deserving

BUILD 👏🏼A 👏🏼ROUTINE 👏🏼

Saturn 🤤loves 🤤 discipline. Wake up at 5 am, do Surya namaskars, do abhyanga, study for class, go to college, come home and do chores. Basically, any opportunity you receive to do work of any kind??? TAKE IT UP and go hard at it

Physically doing work is the fastest way to burn off karmas

You can do yoga or a different kind of exercise as well

Saturn punishes those who are lazy and makes their path harder. Even if you dont care about it, give it your 100% and work hard because Saturn will reward you for it.

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Wibta for asking a long distance friend if she even wants to be friends anymore?

My friend and I have been friends since uni and lived together for two of those years. Since uni finished over a decade ago, we both moved back to our hometowns but stayed in touch via our phones and, what used to be, annual meet ups.

The first summer after uni, she came down to stay with me for five days. But for the next few years, I travelled to visit her for five days each year (including travel days) because I was earning more and had a more stable job, so it was easier for me to take longer off (to accommodate the travel days and pay for actually travelling).

In 2018, I didn't have a lot of leave left, so I asked her to come visit me and comprised that I would pay for her travel costs.

In 2019, I suggested that we go on holiday together, promising to make it a cheap one. (It came to £300 including flights, accommodation, food, and spending money. I know because I paid for it all and she paid me back.)

Then, we had plans to go away in 2020 and I would pay for flights and hotel because it was her 30th. Obviously, covid scrapped our plans until 2022, but we did get away.

None of this is a problem. I don't mind paying for things and having her pay me back (or not, if I've offered it as a gift). I don't mind making things a lower budget, like just me going to hers or her coming to mine. I think always have a great time together.

But I feel like now, it's very hard to get her to meet up with me at all and it's really hurting my feelings. A couple of times when restrictions eased in the UK, I suggested that I could come up to see her, but she said that there's not a bed in the spare room anymore (I have an airbed, I could bring).

I asked her last year, when I was going through a pretty depressive spell, if I could come up and see her, but she said that the only time I could come was during a three day period when her parents were away, which was the only time she'd have a free bed. I asked if her parents were only away for three days and she said yes.

(I thought this to be odd because they don't usually go away for such a short time, and she later admitted, likely because she forgot I asked, that her parents were away for a week.)

I said that I couldn't travel 7 hours on the Monday to travel 7 hours back on the Wednesday because that wouldn't really be a break.

I recently asked if she would come down for a week in about six months time and she said she would have to see closer to the time.

Also, just for reference, work is no longer a concern for her because she's on disability benefits, so it's not like she can't get the time off work. She doesn't have kids or any dependents.

And, I would understand if her mobility prevented her from travelling, but she's gone to stay in a caravan with her other friends recently. She's going to stay in a cottage holiday with family next month. And, I could always come to her, if she would just let me.

And, as for money, I would again pay for her travel costs, because I know money is tight for her. And I've always paid for my own food at hers, so it's not like she would have to pay more for for if I was there.

In addition, and my reason for being so upset tonight, we are supposed to have a weekly night where we watch TV together and text about it. But there have been multiple occasions where she has cancelled last minute and it hasn't been an emergency. (Think... My aunt is coming round, I have to go drop a birthday present off). She did it twice this weekend... Once, moving it to Sunday and then cancelling on Sunday about 40 minutes before we were supposed to start.

Last minute cancellations really bother me because it's really disrespectful of my time. Yes, this weekend I didn't have anything on but that's because I have it in my calandar and plan my other events around it.

But I feel like I might be the ah (at least because of the meeting up thing) because I have the privilege of being able-bodied and well-off, so travelling isn't a big deal to me.

It just feels like she doesn't care as much about maintaining the friendship and I'm bending over backwards to make accommodations.

What are these acronyms?

[archivalofsins]

It's important to look into the struggles around being diagnosed later in life more. Especially when talking about mental health and coping mechanisms. A lot of people who were diagnosed with mental health issues young may be unable to fully understand the struggles of those who were not or even recognize the stunning amount of privilege at play when it comes to getting diagnosed early.

Everyone has their own struggles, but individuals diagnosed later in life aren't given any accommodations or assistance to help them. Hell, they don't even have access to therapy at times or an interest in going to it because they never have before, so why start now. They get fired a lot for not being able to keep up with their workload or not being sociable enough.

I'm speaking from personal experience here. However, firing people for poor communication skills, i.e., not being a team player, is very common all over, not just a US thing. This is, in my opinion, why the series has Mikoto say this to Futa,

20/06/15

Mikoto: Hey, it’s kinda a bother having you be so angry and tense all the time. You should stop trying get everyone to pay attention to you.

You’re a uni student, right? You can’t act like that once you start working properly.

Futa: Huh!? Shut up. Not like I care what you say. Even though we’re in this shitty situation, you’re just chatting away, it’s stupid. Aren’t you the one who’s acting out of place here? ……also the fact you give everyone nicknames is just gross.

Mikoto: *sigh* It’s more stupid to be taking this all so seriously. I mean, it’s definitely just a reality TV program. There’s no way a real prison exists that’s this lax. Also, I don’t give nicknames to everyone. I don’t give them to young kids like Amane, or to the hard-to-approach types like Shidou-san. I mean, I’m not giving you one, right?

Futa: ……oi, which group are you trying to say I am?

Because he's like genuinely concerned and trying to make sure Haruka and Futa don't go through what he has. This is again why, in my opinion, the series implies it was him that encouraged and guided Haruka on how to work on his communication skills,

20/06/05

Haruka: Ah…… ah, u-um, Mikoto-san. The c-communication……? thing, that you were saying was important. I-I thought, I’d give it my best…… Um, so, Mikoto-san, what’s your favourite food……?

Mikoto: Ooh? Nice going, Haru-kun~ Yeah, we still have no idea how long this lifestyle will go on for, so it’s best if we all get along together here. My favourite food…… I like pasta and horse-meat sashimi. Also bubble tea, and recently I’ve been big on custard puddings. What about you?

Haruka: ……ah, I, I wonder…… H-hamburg steak, and omurice, a-and also…… what else? Ah. Cotton candy……

Mikoto: C-cotton candy!? That’s the first time I’ve met someone who has that in their top three favourites!? ……man, Haru-kun, you really are hilarious.

Along with why, and I have to stress this again in my opinion, the minigrams consistently highlight his communication skills through him talking people through miscommunications or trying to teach them about the work environment.

However, going into the workforce, undiagnosed increases the chances of having those sorts of experiences. Because no one is aware of the issues one may have and are less likely to accommodate them. Yes, even if the person working over/in charge of them has a diagnoses of their own. Even the person themselves isn't aware this is an issue, so why would other people, whether they have been diagnosed or not, assume they had an issue. No one can just tell, regardless of how well they think they know the signs.

Being treated this way actively encourages or enforces the idea that people pleasing or being more palatable is necessary for one's basic survival. Because it's either suck it up and be nice or have no income, then wind up homeless. It's not as easy as saying they seem like they're forcing it, just be yourself, set boundaries. Because literally people who go undiagnosed may have been hearing things like this for years,

Be nicer, that wasn't the proper way to respond to that even if they did/said x, you should know better, don't stoop to their level, have some self-restraint, read the room, how about self-reflecting on what you could have done better in that instance, I'm ashamed of how you responded to that and you should be too that's not how I raised you to be,

Q.10 Do you ever get angry at other people?

Mikoto: I don’t really. Don’t you think it’s kinda shameful, getting mad.

I've experienced it first hand with this very fandom a senseless amount of times. People who project tone on words when there is none then feel the need to make that a me problem. Tell me how I could have written it in a more palatable way. Instead of asking why they read it that way- They jump to tone policing.

Something people who weren't diagnosed early have to deal with all their lives even after they receive a diagnosis at times. People picking apart how they can be better constantly becomes their normal, and then they end up doing the same thing to others. Sometimes simply because that's how they were taught to show concern for those around them.

Than the kicker- Others who actually know them will say things like,

You're kind of a pushover, you responded to that way too nicely, you need to stick up for yourself more, you shouldn't let people treat you like that. It is a fun (fun used here sarcastically) bag of mixed signals that no one would know how to interpret after it happens enough.

So, now-

"It’s the same anywhere I go. It’s like what’s wrong isn’t wrong."

It doesn't matter where they are or who they're talking to. The issue is always them,

"I’m already the fake one."

Yes, being disgnosed comes with it's own plethora of issues, and this plays into whether one pursues disgnosis, if they tell others they're diagnosed, or pursue things like accommodations at all once they receive a diagnoses. However, not having a diagnosis at all completely removes the option of even pursuing help when needed, telling people what the problem is, and puts complete responsibility for one's errors on the person themselves regardless of if they have a disability.

I don't think it's fair for people to judge that experience when they are unwilling to interrogate these simple environmental factors. Because I'm well aware of how people in this evironment take things I'm going to make this very clear this isn't a call out, I'm not speaking vaguely about any specific individual, I'm talking about a topic that impacts me on a deeply personal level for the benefit of myself.

I'm not responsible for the tone others put on me in their head. No one is responsible for how others wilfully choose to misread them. Plus, strangers on the internet aren't owed any personal details about my life so they can deliberate on whether they respect my opinion or not.

I am not willing to go into further detail on this, and that's my boundary.

[captaindibbzy]

So when I left uni I had a break down. My depression reached a point I couldn't do anything and I finally got the medication I had needed for 15 years but could never convince myself to get.

During this time I did not apply for benefits because I was so scared of the job centre I could not envision a world where they would agree I was sick and wouldn't just put me through the job hunting process. I spent two years living with my parents clawing my way out of a hole, existing on their charity, and thank FUCK I was lucky and privileged enough to have parents who loved me, because I could truly not convince myself I deserved it.

Finally I reached a point where I could do some work.

I then spent three more years job hunting.

I shit you not, I applied to thousands of jobs in those three years. I filled note books writing down the information of every job I applied to, and these were only the jobs I thought I could do. I knew I couldn't sell things, I knew that I couldn't do phone work or factory packing, because I was still so close to that edge.

I was sent to seminars, and classes, where they went over again and again how to write a CV and how to interview, and they'd look at my CV and go "oh... This is good???" Like it was a shock.

After 3 years of this I finally cracked and started doing trial days: free labour for "experience" and it was at one of these jobs where I finally got my first job. It was minimum wage. I was five years out of uni. I stayed there for two years applying to other jobs some times and then finally left that place because I didn't want to be complicit in fraud.

Since then I have been on benefits once again, around the pandemic, and bring on benefits was so fucking bad for my health simply because of the pressure, the having to prove yourself as worthy, that it almost tanked me again.

So when I read about how people who are long term sick aren't "looking hard enough" for work, I envision these people who are getting £80,000+ a year in wages plus bribes gifts from some of the richest men in the world, looking down on people who are worse off than me, going "if they worked as hard as I do then they'd be as rich as I do."

Because I am so so fucking lucky.

I have parents who own the house they live in.

They let me live there rent free while I was almost dying.

They looked after me.

I had friends looking out for me.

I had time to spend making sure that the jobs I was applying for (AND NOT GETTING) weren't going to damage my health.

I had a bed, and four walls, and heating, and medication, and it didn't need to be ideal because it was something.

A lot of people don't get that. All they have is the fucking job centre and barely enough in benefits to live. They have the threat of homelessness hanging over them.

And then politicians I voted for to improve this have the fucking Gaul to stand up 3 months after getting elected and go "actually lol previous government was right. These lay abouts need to do better" IS A FUCKING INSULT!!!

[unknownbookworm]

ok now give me Dee lore

MORE LORE MORE LORE!!!! It's time for Dee lore y'all, and I'm just going to make a list of my favorite Dee lore bits so tw: parent being shitty

Dee doesn't speak to their parents anymore, and it's only sort of by choice. Growing up Dee was a very wild and rambunctious child, constantly climbing trees and exploring everywhere they went. Their parents hated this, so they decided to "reign them in" by putting them in multiple activities. This continued through high school, with the reason slowly turning too "to make you successful in the future". Some activities they were in include Gymnastics, Piano, Volunteer work, Bob's Martial Art's studio, tutoring, etc. So mostly they did what their parents wanted them to do, took the classes they wanted them to take, and everything. Even went to the University they wanted them to go to, and went into the job field like they wanted. After getting the farm their parents tried to get them to reconsider to no avail, and Dee made their first real big choice and stayed in Pelican town. Their parents don't even acknowledge them anymore

Dee didn't do well in school, uni, or at their Joja job. Their heart wasn't in it, and they never wanted to pursue it in the first place. After getting fired from Joja (seriously ten times in a week is a record for breaking printers) they were in a spiral and didn't know what to do, in fear of disappointing their parents. Their grandpa came in clutch and offered up the farm, so they decided hey why not? Farming can't be that hard right

They have only ever had one partner before pelican town. During uni they got with a person that they thought was everything, an escape from the pressure constantly put on them, literally heart in their eyes deep. At graduation he dumped Dee and stomped all over their heart, saying he was only really using them for during Uni. Left Dee devastated

Dee is surprisingly agile for someone constantly falling and bumbling around. Is it because of their gymnastics? Is it because their goofiness is a mask?? who knows

While on that Dee is terrible with any sort of romance, can't handle a compliment or declaration without turning red

Dee LOVES making people laugh and smile, it makes them feel happy that people appreciate them. Even if people are laughing at something they did, at least they are making someone's day better

A lot of Dee's antics are cartoony in nature, appearing out of nowhere, running around like a madman, falling in rivers, you would think it would annoy them, but they actually enjoy it. Their process is "it's healing to make mistakes and be okay with it!"

Dee is often times happy, upbeat, excited, or buzzing with energy. However when they are very VERY tired, cranky Dee comes out. That Dee hates when people talk too loudly, is very very grouchy, and extremely clumsy. These moments are rare, but also the only times you will hear Dee grumble and be genuinely pissed at falling in a river. Only a few people know how to handle Dee when they are like this, Vinh (duh), Abigail (letter from Vinh when Dee first moved there), and Leah (she gets pretty privilege)

All of Dee's knowledge of farming and the locals come from Vinh's past and current letters. This is why for the first like 1-2 months Dee exclusively know some of the locals by nicknames Vinh wrote them as.

Dee has beef with Pierre, more of a silly "how dare you" beef but beef. Mostly from them always coming in when Pierre is in the isles looking at something, walking away, or just not at the counter. Is some of that Dee's fault? yeah it is. Will Dee continue to blame Pierre and be mad at him? yeah they will. this became a bit more justified when they saw Pierre price hiking the jam they sold him, so they started just delivering jam to the townspeople themself

AND THATS ON DEE LORE, THANKS SO MUCH FOR ASKING!!! I tried to get most of this to be stuff I haven't mentioned or only mentioned in passing before, but its all here! It is long but what can I do, I love my OCs

[myf00djournal]

Out on my morning walk looking like a well matched queen 👸🏻

Thinking about my peers on here doing some reflecting and setting of goals and pondering if I set concrete goals for myself this year. Retrospectively, yes I suppose I did! Things just kind of happened and I guess seeing them through was the persistence.

My brain dump looking back -

👩🏻‍🏫 Work - Hmm. Well I started in a role that will not exist next year which is a shame. I will still be in a similar role, albeit temporarily until the end of the year. Then, I am not sure what’s happening. My HSC class ranked 1st in our system so that’s pretty exciting. I made a lot of connections with my students and supported them through some pretty heavy shit…

📚 Study - …This then prompted me to start my Masters which I am 3 units into. I have been toying with the idea of pursuing this for ten years so that is a long term goal achieved for sure!

💵 Other work - I wrote freelance exam papers and did HSC marking for some side money 💰 I have said no to the exam papers for next year which I am so proud of myself for.

🏋🏽‍♀️ Training - I went to the gym 170 times which seems to average 3-4 times per week. Sounds right. Jan-Sept is hard because of netball, I was lucky to get to the gym 3 times per week during the season. My gym doesn’t open on Sundays either. Sept-Dec was a solid hit out during the challenge. I managed to lose 10kg, making my total loss since September 2022 16kg without any gains back. I didn’t suffer any major injuries in the gym and this contributed to my consistency and ability to push myself more.

🏃🏽‍♀️ Parkrun - I ran 33 parkruns this year. In April last year I set a goal to get back under 30 mins. I did it this year not once but nine times 🥹 all in the second half of the year. This was my biggest running year since 2019 due to lockdowns etc.

🏐 Netball - My rep and club team both finished 3rd 🥲 I had great seasons, particularly for club my shooting accuracy was the highest and most consistent it’s been for years sitting around 85-90% every game. That was my goal ✅ No injuries that sidelined me - except for my dislocated finger 🤣 briefly. Another goal ✅

💵 Monies - Without putting amounts out there it’s pleasing and also a privilege to get through the year comfortably. I got to travel with my bestie at the start of the year, book a holiday with Josh (Wednesday eee) and still save a good amount for my emergency fund, general savings and pay for my units upfront for uni (although 75% is subsidized thanks government). When I cleaned out my wardrobe I was pleased not too part with too much which means I haven’t overconsumed and wasted.

🏥 Health - I had my endo surgery which had been on my mind for about 3-4 years. ✅ I already feel so many benefits from it and regret not having it again sooner (last one was 2009!). Had another iron infusion. Generally, I do look after my health and try to do regular dental, chiro, GP visits etc. I only saw my psych once this year. I could probably have done with a top up because things got very dicey for me around April, but we made it through.

🥂 Alcohol - I stopped drinking between August-November and since have only had alcohol on 5 occasions (I use a dry days tracker). I’m sorting out when feels safe for me to drink and how much control I have. The reset has really helped me understand why I used to drink, sometimes alone, and that I put myself in unsafe situations when this happens. I still have some soul searching to go but I am on the right track.

My brain dump for 2024 -

👩🏻‍🏫 Work - Enjoy the year. Relax a little. Set boundaries. Know where you stand.

📚 Study - Complete 5 units

💵 Other work - HSC marking and that’s it

🏋🏽‍♀️ Training - Keep up with gym, average 4-5 times per week. Bench 60! Be nicer to people at 5am 🤣

🏃🏽‍♀️ Running - Attend as many parkruns as I can. Go under 28 (home PB). Volunteer more. Maybe do a half again in November? Depends on other factors.

🏐 Netball - Have already said no to rep (can you tell I am being so firm with my resources next year?). Will always play club. Goal - Win grand final again. Shoot at 90-95% accuracy.

💵 Monies - We connected with a financial advisor just before Christmas so plan to see that through and have a look at what we can do! Clearer goals will then form. I also want to stop shouting people things. I am overly generous with this and it needs to stop because a lot of the time it’s colleagues who never do a shout so it never comes back to me 🥲

🏥 Health - Find out what I am anaphylactic to on 28/2 😀 and hopefully don’t die during that test! Continue managing my endo and other factors that connect to all of that. Maintain my weight loss in healthy and sensible means (which I am confident in myself I can).

🥂 Alcohol - I want to continue to be mindful in my motives for drinking, how society has normalized alcohol consumption, etc. I want to be safe, feel healthy and not ruin next days for myself.

📷 - My bestie and I need to take more photos together

📱- I really need to reduce my screen time (cruise will help with this!)

📖- I really need to read more (2 books planned for our cruise!)

🧽 - I keep editing and adding to this lol. I want to maintain a really minimal space inside our home. We have done a lot of decluttering the last few weeks and I am really keen to keep it up. We have a council clean up booked for 2/1 and what better way to start the NY! Can’t wait to drag some of our old stuff out and say see ya 👋🏾

[the1975attheirverybest]

Hi Halla, I feel kind of bad doing this because I don’t want to bring negativity to you but I kind of consider your asks a safe space and I just wanted to get this thing off my chest. You don’t have to read it, I just needed to rant about this to someone that wasn’t my journal.

I’m currently in the library at my uni, skipping the first of my finals. I basically didn’t study for it and just the prospect of entering the class in which the exam is taking place makes me want to vomit. I can retake it in two weeks, but it’s not the first time this happens this year and I hate lying to other people about it, whether the excuse is illness/grieving/a bad performance, and try to shift the attention on the ones I did pass (mainly thanks to luck). My anxiety is over the roof rn and I’m trying my best to study for my other finals but I currently just want to curl up and cry. I’ve always been the golden child with perfect grades so I feel like I can’t talk about academic struggle bc I don’t want to let down others, especially my parents. It’s been a rough couple of years and I basically lost all of my close ‘friends’ and I’m embarrassed to talk about this topic with the ones I still have because they’ve always seen me as the academic weapon friend and as someone they aspire to be (academically speaking) and I don’t want to crush their vision because I feel like that’s the only remaining piece of the old me. I know it’s not a big deal and that the world has thousands of bigger problems than a privileged white girl complaining about her life but I’m so tired of failing and feeling disconnected from reality and other people. I’ll shut up now, sorry for the rant, I hope you’re having a good day Halla, you’re a lovely person.

Hey baby. 💖

I’m so sorry you are having a difficult time. I understand how you feel cuz I’m in a similar boat myself. I think a lot of it has to do with that I’ve learned from people around me that my self worth is contected to my academic performance. So sometimes I feel like I’m shit as a person if I don’t exceed academically. I know that it’s toxic and even though I understand it “logically.” It can be hard to shake emotionally. So give yourself grace. The thing is, you are the same you who succeeded before. Which means you totally have it within your capacity to do it again. But self-deprecating talk has a very real impact and it can convince even a successful person that they are failing.

There’s a book that someone once gave me. I think it’s called “Elite Minds.” I don’t really do self-help much (and also the person who gave it to me is now my ex so it’s hard for me to pick it up now lol) but it essentially argues that whatever you believe about yourself is the truth. Like it doesn’t matter if you’re some fuckin genius. If YOU believe that you’re shit, you will indeed be shit. You could be Einstein himself. But if you think you’re not going to do well on a task, then you’re going to sabotage yourself into failing.

Honestly idk how to kill the negative self-talk. Sometimes it helps to remember that there’s sooo much more outside of academia. And that smart people come in all sorts of shapes and forms. I’ve met some brilliant folks who work office jobs. And some dumbass morons who have PhDs. Your grades and your school performance don’t define your intelligence.

Hang in there 🤍 exam season is almost over. Best of luck babyyyy 🤍🤍

[pacifymebby]

i think backgrounds is a thing but also kind of like what they stand for. R is rich and privileged living off her parents money (which is fine) and constantly jetting off to places lol (again fine) and doesn’t have a job or even need one tbh like that’s literally unheard of in the north like you literally need a job to afford a living

I get the crux of what you're saying here but I promise you there is a "posh" north and it's somehow even more horrifying than posh London

But aye those experiences are what shape your values

Thing is can any of us say we don't want to better our futures and give our kids better futures?

I for one hope that one day I'm well off enough that if my kids graduate uni and they don't know what to do with themselves and are trying to break into a tricky industry, they can come home to the family house and keep working on their goals? Like I wouldn't want me kids dossing but id fucking hate to think I'm working my arse off now so that one day in the future I can force my kids to slog it too?

Like I really get where all these anons are coming from about the culture clash and about like how it isn't fair that certain people have life so so much easier, and also like how it's weird that a man who's made a lot of being "rags to riches" is now seemingly dating someone with different principles so is kinda sacrificing his own BUT

1) it's only dating

2) no one in poverty wants to remain on the poverty line, I really don't blame him for "social climbing" he's having experiences that were barred from him by the class system for a long time and that can only be a good thing.

3) maybe he's not sacrificing his principles, I've seen very privileged women learn/grow when they've been in relationships with people from poorer backgrounds (relationships teach both people different things afterall)

4) he's not a hypocrite for shagging. He isn't sacrificing any principles by dating someone middle class. If anything it's weird to say that all working class people must remain completely true to their poverty stricken roots, that only reinforces class structure and makes certain things "not for us" like would you say it's sacrificing principles for a v working class lad from Stockport to go to Oxford? Is he a class traitor? Am I a class traitor for buying a gingerbread man in Morrisons or like idk Waitrose one time? Is it class traitory for working class people to go to art galleries, or listen to classical music, or learn to play the flute, or read lit fiction?

Do you see what I mean like, there's loads of things deemed middle class which have always been "not for the likes of us" but if we start saying any working class person who engages with those things is a traitor to their class then we're the ones reinforcing the structure that oppresses us?

Like idk, I tryyy very hard these days not to judge people who are middle class, because I do know nice people who are, my dad's got some lovely middle class friends... lots of the people I've met in Scotland that are southern English middle class snd have moved up here for cheap rent are nauseating cunts but idk, best to give people the benefit of the doubt until they actually start on the "i just dont see why we should give free school meals to children just because their parents smoke 40 a day and want the latest iphone" rant

The best situ for them is class divide causes misunderstandings and mild irritation but they are happy together anyway and it's not a deep problem. the worst is that the relationship falls apart because they can't understand eachother (this is usually what brings down all relationships though even ones that are class balanced? Is that a phrase that felt weird to write?) Like I grew to fucking despise my ex for being privileged and out of touch but I wouldn't wish that on anyone lol I lost a bestie and it sucked!!

Anyway my point is mostly just that you don't know them at all and to hold your horses accusing anyone of abandoning their principles just for dating someone from a different class background that's meh

Obvs btw anon not all of this is aimed at you in anyway because you aren't the one who has sent me all these things, it's just yours is so far one of the only ones that's on theme with the other anons that's polite enough to post. Some of the stuff in my inbox right now is harshhhh

[chitatochickenpotato]

tell me about atlas sew and his friend group 👹👹

I've had this story and these characters for 10+ years, the amount of inter-connectivity between everything is so hard to explain. If anything sounds unbalanced, feel free to ask about it because theres usually a reason that nerfs it.

That being said Atlas'(he/they) Mom was my first OC, she's basically my world's equivalent of a Dnd Champion she worships the deity of loyalty. She spends a lot of her story picking up strays and doing the whole found family thing (she later loops his father into this behavior as well) so his family is massive. And both his parents own the adventurers' guild so everyone he grew up around is like battle hardened and kinda reckless. As a result he has a weird "Nothing can hurt me, do you even know who I am?" and "I am intimately aware of how much effort and hurt it takes to succeed, with everything I do I will give back to my community as thanks for all the privilege I have" complex about him. He's also weirdly codependent in that he's never really alone so when he is he just kinda has no idea what to do. He's very much the "I know a guy" guy.

The Sew thing is actually because neither of his parents remember the names they were born with cuz they had to keep switching them. However his mother was known for fixing uniforms when she was in the army and making clothes n stuff for other revolutionaries n whatnot. So the name is kinda like John Smith in that the family name is just her occupation.

Atlas is actually inspired by Taliesin Jaffe because I watched his episode of between the sheets and was like yeah thats him. Specifically he has that like old soul kinda vibe you get when you're raised around people much older than you and have been to more funerals than you have marriages. He's not goth weird like taliesin but he's "I know too much and lack experience in all things" weird. He's also a history major which I imagine contributes to that. Atlas has grown up around people who have lived it and he wants to better understand them and their experiences.

He also has some disparity in being raised semi-noble because of his parent's strange governmental relations and also being babysat by adventurer's all the time. I imagine he kinda shifts rapidly between super well mannered and proper to being an absolute rascal.

Currently him and his gang are studying at a prestigious university I can't be bothered to name. He meets Aragon before joining the uni at a fancy party (both their parents are loaded [Aragon's through business and prolly blood money, Atlas's because the government wants them to stay in one place so they don't have to deal with the hassle of having slightly overpowered warriors on the loose])

Malachi and Oz are working under their mentors for a government sponsored project to make permanent portals through the planes. Atlas' family gets brought in because of the adventure guild thing and some of the failed portals keep spawning in monsters. So he meets those two through that.

Idk what Aragon's family does yet but Oz hears that Atlas knows Aragon and basically says that bros family uses stuff from diff planes to make their stuff so Atlas should totally get him to fund the project as well. So thats how Aragon gets introduced to the rest of the gang.

Aragon (he/she genderfluid) is a fire elemental and the way that works in my world is that elementals are born as null but when they hit puberty they gain their element based on who they are like personality wise.

She's super standoffish and snappy. She's very much the painful aspect of fire when you first meet her. But as you get to know her I think she mellows out into barely a burning ember of a person. As the story continues I want him to become more of a hearth kinda fire personality wise.

Her entire thing is that her parents want him to go into business and support the family but he super doesn't want to do that. Except he doesn't know who she is as a person because his whole life has been defined by being what his family wants that he doesn't know what else to do.

He has super bad family relations and like 2 friends outside of the gang and they're the butler and the chef so she isn't doing great. So like when he's thrown into a group of people who know exactly who they are and are doing what they want its kinda moth to the flame. Being around them hurts because imposter syndrome and jealousy but also it's visible proof that theres a chance at a happier future for him.

Growing up I imagine he spent a lot of time hiding in the kitchen. The chef would listen to him complain and give him snacks n stuff. Eventually he started teaching Aragon to cook. Later down the line I want him to have his own little restaurant but he is Not There yet.

His character is me processing what it means to learn how to trust. She's very much that one character that is not down to found family but boy howdy are the others trying (They succeed). Atlas brought Aragon home one day and his parents decided "yeah that's my kid" after hearing about her negligent home life. A lot of their relationship is Atlas convincing Aragon to be a Sew (most of their family is adopted through similar means) while Aragon struggles with still wanting to prove himself to his parents.

Malachi (he/him nonbinary) and Oz (she/her) are still in development.

Malachi is like a magic physicist, his mentor is working with the guy in charge of making the spell (enchantment???) for the portal to take em from plane a to plane b. So him and his mentor are studying the relationship between those spaces to make sure no one like dies and things stop coming through without permission.

Oz and her mentor make the rovers and what not that they send through the temporary portals in order to get more info on how to set up a temporary one.

They bond over the project and school.

The way I make characters is I basically come up with a role they fill, a vague concept, and like 4 personality traits + sometimes a design. Then they stay as like vague husks of people till I find 2-3 characters or people that make me go "This is so character A" and I copy and paste things to give them actual depth. Once the mishmash is complete the brainworms start forming connections between them, the world, and other characters already in existence.

As of rn Oz and malachi only have one inspo each so I'm a lil lost on them. I wanna develop them a bit better this year tho

There also isn't any plot for this

[boba-beom]

smilesss c:

hiii! sorry i have been m.i.a for so long, but i finally made it, both flights were terrible, but it's okay because i have had such an amazing time so far. can't believe i'll be flying back in a week :/

OMGGGG how's it going with island guy, i hope you had an amazing time together ahh i'm so excited for the future updates of I Like U now, but take your time, no pressure!! is there something there between you though? did you feel anything?

that's true, thank you🥺❤️ i recently picked up my electric guitar now that i've come home and even though i haven't played in such a long time, i was surprised with how quick i picked up some songs or how easily i remembered others. it made me think about how sometimes there are some things in our lives that we stop doing because so many things get in the way and we lose touch with them, until we discover them again. the feelings i experienced when i was playing the same songs i used to play are honestly indescribable, it was as if nothing else mattered, but that beautiful melody. it made me realise how much i miss performing too❤️ i was wondering if that has ever happened to you too?

i just know beomjun would slay so hard, manifesting fr. when enhypen niki and jungwon did it, i was in awe and i couldn't stop thinking about yeonjun and beomgyu doing one. they could easily suit any genre, but i'm thinking something dark would look so good.

ooooh, i'm excited for the rest of your 80s oneshots - the taehyun one was just *chef's kiss*. and omg beomgyu's look for dream week lives in my head rent free - he looked like an 80s heartthrob. happy late beomgyu day btw🥺❤️

thank you so much smiles❤️, i'm just glad they're finally over. i hate exam season so much. it's always so stressful.

how are you doing though? how's writing going? i have this yeonjun oneshot that i've been working on for over a year now, it's so long and i'm almost finished, i just have three scenes left to write before i get into the editing process lol. i'm the type of writer that takes a long time to produce something and seeing how fast other writers produce pieces makes me feel a bit like i'm missing out? idk if that's the right word, but i wish i could write something good that fast sometimes, but i've also come to terms with the fact that everyone has their own pace when it comes to writing. some write faster, some write slower, but the end product is always amazing❤️

hi lovely, I'm sorry the flights were terrible, but how is it being home?

as for the island guy, he's coming next week I think, so we'll see if he'll come visit me or not ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I'm not too fussed about it really. he greeted me on my birthday, not really a greeting, more like a banter "you're getting older" message but yeah other than that I don't really think anything is going on atm :/

that's so beautiful, april 🥹 I haven't played my guitar for a long while, so I feel like when I do have the time and get back into doing it, I would most likely rediscover that feeling again :') I love that for you though, I find it so satisfying when the muscle memory kicks in, yano?

thank you!! I just saw your rb and your feedback just made me so happy, thank you and I'm really glad you liked it a lot! I feel like I'm going to hinder the 80s fics for a little while until I'm satisfied enough with the amount of uni work I have to do for my coursework. my deadline is in 6 weeks and I don't want to rush things so that's why I haven't been as active on here :') happy late beomgyu day too! <3

as for your writing, take as much time as you need. it is for you after all and we just have the privilege to read people's shared works/imaginations. I'm rooting for you and I hope you tag me whenever you do post it <3 but you're right! everyone's writing journey is different but the outcome is always just as beautiful! and I'm doing okay! I've been busying myself! I had a uni trip last week and then went home for my birthday in the same week, so I'm a little exhausted lmao, so the past week I've just been staying in uni longer than usual and doing work which I'm happy with! beomgyu's birthday post was the last thing I've written for a while, everything else has just been in bullet points for now until I have time to write everything in full :> I hope you've been well since you sent this ask!

[tjsplace]

APR 27

i think i'd be a good manager. i love making artist plans. the strategy, the supervising, the creative ideas, and executing them for a project that i'm passionate about. something that excites me. the idea of managing an artist or a band sounds super cool right now. now i just gotta find a musical project like that. i still haven't found a group or person with that musical connection to the songs. sure,

my mom just called to tell me my godmother's mom died last night. it's a pretty tragic story. i didn't know the woman, and i haven't talked to my godmother in years. my mom said i should text her. but i'm too high to think of anything right now. but the thing i just wrote like 4 minutes ago feels so... stupid right now, my career aspirations are never as important as death. i guess. i don't know. writing is therapeutic. i hadn't written in a while, and i wonder why. maybe i'm just lazy and don't wanna handwrite in my journal. maybe. maybe it's always hard to take a look at myself because i always second-doubt what i write. feels like my writing goes fast but my brain goes even faster. especially with grammarly lmfaoo. because it always has corrections for me. which is great for professional purposes i guess. but when i'm free writing, it's kind of annoying. useful for another context, and also annoying. why do i keep checking them tho? been listening to benny nonstop since the ep dropped yesterday. it's such a good song. has a hopeful production but the lyrics are devastating and maybe that's what melancholy and nostalgia are, which is exactly what luke hemmings wants to evoke, according to the interviews. that campaign was insane. it was good but insane. too much content bombarding. such good ideas. that's where i got most of mine for the ep. i hope i can pull this off. start working as an independent artist or a manager or something in marketing, at the end of this year. something that will give me money. i feel so guilty about being privileged enough to get money for my parents to live, while i finish uni. i don't have a job. i should get a job but i'm focusing a hundred percent on my ep. is that wrong? should i not do that? it doesn't help that i chain-smoke every day. i can't quit. i'm terrified. i can't do it. i'm diminishing my cigarette intake but it's not fast enough. but i feel like i can't rush it or it'll be worse. but i'm also terrified about what to do with my anxiety if i stop smoking at all. nicotine gum is not the same and it's gross. besides, every time i stop smoking for a certain amount of time -be it a month and a half or two days- then i come back even more addicted. i smoke so much more and i can't have a nicotine relapse. it's so lame. is it lame? or is it just like "fuckkk, i can't do it, i need to smoke almost two packs a day." like, what the fuck is that? that's one thing. the addiction. the other thing is the privilege to have this one right now. because if i didn't get money from my parents, i wouldn't be able to smoke at all. but what would happen to me? would i go back to a really dark place because i don't have something to ease my feelings? would i start smoking more pot? oof, hard questions, man.

my mind spirals uncomfortably to the point that i can't do basic actions, like pick up my phone or type on my laptop. it gets so overwhelming in here, in my body. i just wanna smoke. i'm cold because i gotta keep the window open because i'm a dumbass that smokes in her own room. at least i'm not bothering my roommates by smoking in the living room. it would be cold and smelling of cigarettes all the time. i'd rather have just that to be my room. this song is so fucking addictive. i'd set myself on fire to keep you warm. the production! i'm obsessed.

2:50 pm

i really really want to write a song right now. pen and pad out. guitar on hand. chords to try out. i just gotta figure out what i want to say. what the song is about. i clearly have a lot to say, a lot on my mind. just gotta pick one. so hard but so therapeutic. it's gotta about my bpd, right? not only because it could be for my uni project, but also it's what i live in, right? i have bpd, it's getting better. i watched this video of bpd 101 and i could relate to so much. and it said you can be in remission for it as you get older. and i feel like i'm getting there. is it about to be a hopeful song? do i want it to be hopeful? what is the feeling i'm trying to convey? i'm really feeling this melancholia. The day is light but gloomy. my room is cold and i gotta clean it. what else am i seeing? okay. i gotta write now before i don't want to anymore.

9 pm

wrote chord progression sections for 45 minutes. then i ate something and i took a nap until seven. now i'm gonna mix. crazy.

9.30 pm

listening to benny while exporting stems on ableton feels surreal. maybe i'm high but i don't think that's the only thing. it's the vibe. night. dark outside. cigarette smoke in a cold bedroom. messy clothes on the floor. just when you think the song is gonna be predictable in the chords, they change for a third time in benny. i'm just amazed by the construction of this song. the contrasting sections. like fuck. amazing. okay, gotta keep mixing. stems ready to be mix in another session.

10 pm

maybe i don't know ableton as well as i thought. i've been trying to export these stems for half and hour now and it should've taken me only five minutes. i don't know which tracks to solo to export grouped stems. they're just five or six, i think.

my addiction's too strong, now i don't have any money.

the bassline in benny is very much like the meet you there (5sos) bassline. very melodic but not as distorted and with more reverb. it's also more opaque. the lyric in benny "am i being too cold, is this all i can be?" hits so hard when you watch a luke hemmings interview. and after you've grown up with him in your twenties like i have. i met 5sos by accident in 2018. my sister was blasting Youngblood (single) all day and i really liked the song. and once i found the album, i fell hard into this beautiful whirlwind of songs and lyrics. i admire them so much as songwriters, producers and musicians. and even as people, but i don't really know them so i can't be sure.

10.45 pm

okay if this thing doesn't work imma have to keep using the same session and pray to god it doesn't crash. can't believe i've been trying to figure this out for over an hour. i'm high and a little drunk and also hungry. as usual. hold on, i think it worked. i have the isolated bass stem. finally. sometimes i feel like such a nerd and that makes me feel good about myself for a reason. i like being the cool, nerdy about music and audio girl. it makes me proud of myself. the life i've created for myself. am i privileged to have this life? for sure. do i deserve it? maybe that's not a question i need to ponder on right now. or maybe ever.