#because i sure as shit have not recovered

[tortillamastersblog]

First Date | Sam Carpenter

Pairing: Sam Carpenter x reader

Warnings: foul language, a shit ton of fluff, and smut (if you squint)

Summary: After recovering and moving to New York to start your new life, you finally take Sam on a first date. . .

Masterlist

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"How do I look?" | ask, fixing my collar nervously in front of the mirror.

"For the hundredth time, you look great!" Liam exclaims, and I glance at my phone to see him nodding encouragingly on my screen.

I sigh and run my fingers through my hair once again before dropping my arms and turning away from the mirror.

"I feel like I'm going to throw up," | admit, picking up my phone while Liam laughs.

"You're ridiculous. You're not going to throw up. Why are you so nervous anyway? You've been living with Sam for almost three months now."

I shrug on my jacket and crouch down to slip on my shoes. "I don't know! It's just... this is our first real date and I want to impress her." I look at my phone to see Liam's face softening.

"I get that," he says gently, "but there really is no need to be nervous. This is Sam we're talking about.

She loves you so much, she'll be impressed no matter what you do, or where you take her."

"I guess you're right." | take a deep breath and grab my keys.

Sam and I moved in together after I got out of the hospital. At first, I went to live with her and Tara in their old apartment, but since then I got a new job at Liam's company and the apartment that comes with it. 

Tara moved into an apartment of her own with Anika and Mindy.

They live close to campus, while Sam and I live on the upper west side. It's the same building Liam lives in, but he's currently on a business trip in Dallas, hence why he's on the phone with me for moral support rather than being here in person.

Sam is at Tara's, getting ready for our date since Tara, Mindy, and Anika insisted it would be cute if I didn't see Sam all dressed up until I went over to theirs to pick her up.

"Of course I'm right," Liam teased lightheartedly.

"Now go and have fun! I'll talk to you tomorrow." I snort, but smile. "Yeah, yeah. Talk to you tomorrow.

“Bye!"

"Bye!"

I hang up and I take another look at myself in the mirror before squaring my shoulders and leaving the apartment.

I lock the door behind me and take the elevator at the end of the hallway down to the parking garage. It's just as fancy as the rest of the building and it spares me the trouble of finding a parking spot out on the street which is always a nightmare.

The bouquet of red roses I got earlier sits on the passenger seat of the car when I get in and I make sure it’s secure before starting the car and making my way across the city.

It's a surprisingly short drive because for some reason there is barely any traffic. There's also a parking spot right in front of Tara's apartment building which makes my heart skip a beat because I thought l'd have more time to prepare myself for seeing Sam.

I have no idea what she's going to wear, but Tara texted me a couple of minutes ago, telling me I'm going to faint when I see her.

I grab the flowers and hop out of the car, tapping my foot nervously on the elevator ride up to the apartment. I love Sam, and I know she loves me, but after all is said and done, this is still our first date and I want it to go well. 

“Oh hey! You’re right on time!” Anika greets me at the door and even goes so far as to pull me in for a hug. We aren’t exactly close, but ever since I saved her life she’s been extra nice to me. 

“Hey, Anika.” I smile and shift on my feet nervously.

“Babe? Is that Y/N?” Mindy calls out from somewhere in the apartment and Anika shouts back a yes, which makes Mindy appear a moment later with a smirk on her face.

“Hi, Y/N.” She pulls me into a careful hug, making sure not to ruin the flowers. “You look dashing.”

I feel myself blush and avert my eyes momentarily, clearing my throat. “Uh– Thanks, Mindy.”

When I look back up, Mindy’s smirk has turned into a soft smile and she and Anika share a knowing look before ushering me into the apartment and closing the door behind me. 

“Tara and Sam will be right out,” Anika explains, and not even a second later, Tara comes bouncing around the corner.  

“Y/N!” she exclaims happily, however unlike Mindy and Anika she doesn’t close the distance between us to hug me. She simply stops by the corner and smiles brightly, her eyes darting between me and the hallway to her left, which is shielded from my view. 

And then I hear it. The telltale sound of high heels on the hardwood floor.

Sam.

I hold my breath and wait patiently for her to appear,and when she does, I really do feel like fainting. In a regular shirt, she’s already stunning, but right now she’s simply breathtaking. She’s wearing a simple black, one shoulder dress that has a slit running up the length of her thigh and a pair of matching black ankle strap heels. The front of her hair has been tied back, so it’s out of her face while the rest of it flows down her back in soft waves. To tie back the entire look, she’s applied some makeup to highlight her dark eyes, her lipstick a soft red so as to not distract from her eyes.

“Hey,” she says softly with a shy smile on her face.

“H-Hi,” I stutter, unable to take my eyes off her. We’ve not even left the apartment yet and she’s already got me swooning over her. 

Tara, Mindy, and Anika watch us staring at each other, amusement on all of their faces before Mindy clears her throat, prompting me to finally move.

I step further into the apartment and hold out my hand, my knees almost buckling when Sam takes it with a dimpled smile. I notice her nails are painted the same shade of red as her lipstick, and it makes me marvel at just how much thought and effort she’s put into her appearance tonight.

“You look–” Good? Great? Beautiful? No. None of those words describe the way she looks right now. I bite the inside of my cheek, and squeeze her hand before finally settling on, “-- absolutely breathtaking.”

“Thank you.” Sam looks away shyly before meeting my eyes again, this time with a faint blush on her cheeks. “You look amazing, too.”

I snort because I wouldn’t even dare to compare our looks tonight, but I don’t disagree with her. Instead, I bring the bouquet of roses between us and say, “These are for you.”

Her eyes light up and she glances at the roses before looking back at me. “For me?” she asks quietly which makes me chuckle softly and nod. “Thank you.”

She takes them, her cheeks now redder than before and intertwines our fingers. 

“You’re welcome.” I want to kiss her, but I don’t want to smudge her lipstick, so I opt for giving her a kiss on the cheek. “Ready to go?”

Damn. She even smells great. Is that sandalwood? 

Sam nods and I squeeze her hand before turning back around to find Tara, Mindy, and Anika still watching us.

Tara and Anika both look like they’re going to melt, and despite Mindy trying to play it cool, I can also see affection dancing in her eyes. 

“You two are so cute, I love it.”  Anika sighs and takes Mindy’s hand, intertwining their fingers. “Aren’t they cute?” she asks and Mindy just shrugs.

“I guess,” she admits when Anika shoots her a disapproving look which makes all of us chuckle.

“They’re cute and hot,” Tara teases with a smirk. “I mean, honestly guys, you’re like the power couple of all power couples!” 

Sam laughs bashfully and tightens her hold on my hand while I groan. “Sproouuut!”

“What?! It’s true,” Tara insists before her smirk turns into a genuine smile. “I’m so happy for you guys. You deserve this. Enjoy your night.”

My cheeks are still warm, but I smile gratefully and dip my chin in acknowledgement. “Thank you.”

Mindy and Anika wish us a great night too and then we’re off. 

It’s a little cold outside since it’s the beginning of March, so before we exit the building, I stop and take off my jacket, draping it around Sam’s shoulders before leading her the rest of the way to the car.

I make sure to open the door for her, which earns me another shy smile. It makes me feel accomplished and I quickly get into the driver’s seat to start our drive to the restaurant.

So far, so good, I think. 

“Where are you taking me?” Sam asks after some time when I come to a stop at a red light. 

I glance at her before looking back at the road and shrug casually. “It’s a surprise.”

“What? Still?” she whines playfully and out of the corner of my eye I can see her pout. 

I chuckle softly and reach over to squeeze her thigh quickly.  “Mhmm.”

The light turns green and I’m quick to take my hand back to put it back on the gear stick.

Sam huffs, but doesn’t push it. She places her hand on my thigh instead, and takes my phone with her other hand to change the music . 

Her warm touch makes my stomach do flips and for the rest of the drive I rest my hand on top of hers every chance I get.

“Alright, this is it,” I say when I finally pull up next to the high rise the restaurant is in. 

Sam’s jaw drops and she takes in the glass facade of the building with wide eyes. “Are you serious?” she asks and I just smile, getting out of the car and handing my keys to the approaching valet who’s dressed in a sleek black tux.

Then, I round the front of the car and open Sam’s door, offering her a hand when she gets out, which she gratefully accepts. 

“Y/N… What is this? What are we doing here? Is this a joke?” she asks, which makes me laugh softly. She goes to take the roses with her, but I stop her with a tug on her hand. They’d just get in the way in the restaurant, and it’s not like they’re going to wilt if they’re without water for another two hours or so.

“It’s not a joke, Sammy. We’re having dinner here. Well, not here, but in the restaurant on the sixty-eight floor,” I explain, watching her take in the building one more time before her eyes land back on me.

“Seriously?”

“Seriously.”

I pulled a couple of strings to get a reservation tonight, but for her, I’d do anything. Yes, the food will probably be overpriced, and the other customers will probably be snobby and stuck up, but it will all be worth it for the view and the experience. 

“T-this is too much.” She hesitates when I go to lead her into the building, so I turn back around with an encouraging smile, letting go of her hand to wrap my arms around her waist.

She steps closer and I place a kiss on her forehead, making her close her eyes momentarily. “It’s not too much, Sam. I love you, and you deserve the world, so please let me treat you tonight.”

Sam looks at me with uncertainty shining in her eyes, so I place another kiss on her forehead, this time between her eyebrows. 

“Please?” I whisper and after another moment's consideration she nods. “Thank you.”

“No, thank you,” she says, cupping my cheeks. She leans up to kiss me, still having to do so despite her heels, but I pull back which makes her frown.

“Your lipstick,” I try to explain, but she rolls her eyes and kisses me softly. 

After more than four months of being together, kissing her still sends shockwaves through my body. My cheeks feel like they're on fire where her hands are touching them and my lips tingle when she pulls back, mumbling, “I don’t care,” before pecking my lips once more and pulling away completely.

I stare at her like a love sick fool and smile sheepishly. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” she replies easily and after making sure her lipstick isn’t all too smudged, we finally make our way into the building and up to the restaurant.

I keep catching Sam glancing at me over her menu, so after the fifth or so time I put mine down and smile at her quizzically. “What?”

She looks around the dimly lit restaurant as if she’s afraid of someone overhearing her before leaning forward in her seat and saying, “This is weird, isn’t it? Why am I so nervous? We live together for God’s sake, and we’ve had dinner before. Not like this, obviously, but still. I mean, how come there are no prices on the menu? Is that normal? Is that how fancy restaurants like this trick you into ordering something super expensive or–?”

I laugh softly and place my hand over hers on the table, effectively cutting her off. “It is a little weird because we’ve never done this before and I’m nervous, too, but let’s not let the fact that we’re on our first official date be the reason why we have a bad time.” I smile  and bring her hand up to my lips, pressing a kiss to her knuckles. “Also, no, the restaurant isn’t trying to trick you into getting something super expensive. You just don’t have the prices on your menu because the waiter gave you what they call a ladies menu.” I grab my own menu and turn it around to show her that I have one with all the prices on it. “It’s weird, I know, and it’s a pretty outdated concept, but it is what it is and I want you to get whatever you want without feeling guilty about the cost, so maybe it’s a good thing.”

Sam presses her lips into a thin line because she still feels bad that I’m willing to spoil her all the time, so I send her a reassuring smile and wiggle my eyebrows suggestively. 

“Come on, live a little, Sammy. What else am I supposed to spend all my inheritance on except you and Tara?”

That makes her crack a smile and after a while we’re ready to order.

While Sam gets the Coq au vin, I order the mushroom risotto, and when the server asks us if we want wine with our food, I decline politely.

A glass of white wine would pair great with my risotto, but Sam can’t drink because of her meds, so I’m not drinking either.

“So,” I say as soon as the server is gone again. “How was your day?”

Sam turns her attention from the brightly lit city outside to me and raises an eyebrow as if asking if I really want to hear about her day when there’s so much more we could be talking about.

I nod encouragingly and take a sip of my water, my entire attention fixed on her despite the stunning view of the city around us.

This is a first date, yes, and people normally don’t talk about their day on a first date, but we’ve known each other forever and I’m simply here to enjoy her company and spoil her.

“Well. . .” Sam goes on to tell me about her relatively stress-free morning at the cafe she works at as a barista before diving into the photography lecture she had this afternoon.

Ever since I got my new job and we moved in together, I’ve managed to convince her not to work full time any more and find something she actually enjoys doing. At first, it took a while for her to figure out what she liked after being in survival mode for so long, but then she discovered her love for photography which is how she ended up enrolling in a couple of community college classes. 

She tells me about a couple of lighting techniques I’ve never heard of and goes on to explain the differences between digital and film cameras.

It’s fascinating, really, how much there is to know about photography, and I keep asking follow up questions which makes Sam’s eyes light up. 

I love listening to her talk, especially about things she’s excited about, but after twenty minutes of non-stop rambling, she asks me to tell her about my day.

“Well,” I start the same way she did while she takes a sip of water, “I went to work until four and then I went to the gym before heading home and getting ready.”

I add some details about a particularly interesting meeting I had before telling her about  a guy who tripped over some dumbbells in the gym, which makes her laugh.

Conversation flows easily after that until we finally get our food which, as expected, tastes absolutely amazing despite its insane price. We share some bites here and there, letting the other try each dish before our table gets cleared and our server hands us some dessert menus.

We’re both more than full, but after some back and forth we decide to order some chocolate souffle to share because neither of us can resist its calling.

In the end, it tastes even better than expected and I tell the server to give our compliments to the chef when he comes back to pick up the empty plate. 

After that, Sam excuses herself to go to the bathroom, and I’m quick to pay the check before she gets back.

“Ready to go?” I ask when she returns to the table which makes her smile and nod.

“Yes, let’s go home.”

I grab my jacket off the back of her chair and help her put it on again before grabbing her hand and leading her out of the restaurant.

Back on the street, the valet has already pulled my car around, so I tip him generously and help Sam into the car before getting in myself and driving off.

“Thank you for tonight,” Sam says after a moment of silence. “I had a lot of fun, and the food was terrific.”

I can’t look at her because I have to focus on the road, but I do smile and dip my chin to acknowledge that I heard her, adding, “You’re very welcome. I’m glad you liked it.”

Letting out a sigh of contentment, Sam places a hand on my thigh and lets silence wash over us while I continue driving us home.

It’s peaceful, and I feel all warm inside, knowing that she enjoyed the night as much as I have, but then her hand on my thigh starts moving upwards which makes my heart skip a beat. 

For a moment I think it might have been unintentional, but then she moves it even higher, and when I risk a glance at her I find her already looking at me with dark eyes.

“Sam. . .” I swallow thickly and shift in my seat, almost letting out a gasp when she starts tracing circles on the inside of my thigh with her thumb.

“Yes?” she asks, feigning innocence.

“D–Don’t do that,” I stutter. “You’re distracting me.”

“I’m not doing anything,” she says calmly and I grit my teeth when her hand moves up even further.

Since getting together we’ve had our fair share of kisses and make out sessions, but we never went further than that. In the beginning it was because of my back and then because we never really had any time for it with me figuring out my new job and Sam readjusting to her new life and finally doing something she likes. Tara being over constantly doesn’t help either, but tonight nothing is holding us back and Sam seems to know that.

I pull into the underground parking garage of our building in record time a couple of minutes later before turning off the car and leaning over the center console to capture Sam’s lips in a searing kiss.

She immediately reciprocates it and wraps her arms around my neck, pulling me closer and deepening the kiss.

She tastes like the souffle we shared and I can’t help but shiver at the sound of a soft moan slipping past her lips when I trap her lower lip between my teeth.

The position we’re in isn’t comfortable by any means, but we don’t pull apart until we’re both panting, desperate for air.

“Shit,” Sam curses under her breath and when she looks at me I see nothing but desire in her half-lidded eyes.

“Should we take this upstairs?” I ask which makes Sam nod adamantly.

I jump out of the car and hurry to the other side of it to open Sam’s door and help her out.

“Thank you,” she says, still breathless, and before I know it her lips are on mine again as we stumble toward the elevator.

It’s hot and messy, but I can’t get enough of her and when we finally make it to our apartment we waste no time kicking off our shoes and making our way to the bedroom. 

As soon as the door slams shut behind us, Sam pushes me against it, her hands in my hair at the back of my neck to pull me infinitely closer.

My hands are around her waist, grasping at the fabric of her dress while our lips move against each other in a passionate kiss.

Sooner rather than later, much to my dismay, we’re both forced to break apart once again to catch our breath. 

Sam doesn’t seem bothered by it though because her lips find their way to my neck while her hands move down my body until they settle on my hips where her fingers play with the buckle of my belt.

It’s clear what she wants, but I don’t want to go on until she actually says it, so, reluctantly, I pull back so she’s forced to look up at me.

“Wha– Are you okay?” she pants, her lust filled eyes momentarily clouded with concern.

I chuckle breathlessly and tighten my grip around her waist to prevent her from stepping out of our embrace.

“I’m fine,” I assure her, pecking her lips. “But I need to know you’re okay with where this is heading.”

“I’m okay, I want this,” she whispers. She tugs on my belt and stands on her tiptoes to whisper the next part into my ear. “So would you please take my dress off and fuck me already?”

A strangled sound slips past my lips and I pull my head back so fast, I’m surprised I don’t get whiplash because of it. “You– You want me to. . . What?”

Sam smiles mischievously and bites her lower lip, looking up at me through her lashes. “You heard me,” she mumbles, “Fuck me.”

Goddamn.

I swallow harshly, hearing my heart pounding in my ears, but within the next second it’s as if a switch has been flipped in me.

I bend down and lift her up by the back of her legs, making her squeal in surprise before my lips are back on hers.

The position we’re in makes her dress ride up, but she doesn’t seem to care as she wraps her arms around my neck and starts grinding against my stomach.

“Fuck,’” I gasp when she bites my bottom lip and carry her to bed, making her laugh briefly when I unceremoniously dump her onto it so I can get to work on taking off my clothes while she watches.  

Once I’ve discarded all of them, I join her on the bed, making quick work of her dress while she runs her hands over my shoulders and nibbles on my earlobe. 

“I love you,” I whisper a couple of minutes later when she arches her back and moans against my lips.

“I. . . love you, too,” she sobs, her eyes screwed shut while her nails dig into my back and I’m quick to kiss her again to swallow her next moans and whimpers.

The next morning I wake up without Sam by my side, but when I sit up I smile at the smell of pancakes wafting into the bedroom. 

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And they lived happily ever after!

Hi, everyone! I'm not back for good yet, but I just had to write this because it's been stuck in my head ever since finishing Back To You.

Also, a huge thank you to everyone who was part of creating the Back To You Playlist ❤️ I love you all and words cannot describe how honored I feel.

Tag list: @bella423 @artrizzler19 @btay3115 @canyonyodeler @quadofthec @pussyydestroyer @rqizzu @pithod @morganismspam23 @idontliketoread2137

* not proofread yet ‘cause I’m lazyyyyy

[katerinaaqu]

For real! I too got burnt quite a few times in my life from the usual random burns of the sun or just touching something hot and feeling pain till a more severe micro-burn from a scorching hot porcelain mug (my pinkie where I touched the mug with technically scarred because a tiny piece of flesh was burnt upon touch. You cannot see it unless you are close but it hurt like hell that's for sure) and you need days and days to recover (hahahaha oh boy sweet irony indeed 😅 😆) so yeah the experience of feeling this hot feeling inside you must be so terrifying and painful!

It is quite possible now that you mention it 🤔 💭 Although it is left to be assumed that the sailors simply wanted to follow the voice and fall into the water it is possible indeed that they hope to erase this feeling inside them. Maybe they even attempt to drink sea water to ease it and die from the poisoning or drowning while they are under since they do not seem to lose their sense of walking and moving judging from Odysseus so in that essence they could swim across so either the Sirens kill them themselves and then throw their bones to the sea or they die this way!

Oh my that is exactly what I think myself! Especially since he was probably struggling like hell which forced Eurylochus and Perimedes to arrive and add more ropes and bind him even stronger than before so he must have had some angry burns in his wrists and ankles or straight out cuts and several red rope burns on his body as well even through the clothes. He must have been soaked in sweat struggling for breath if that hypothesis we speak of in this post is correct and yeah quite frankly maybe he was feeling his ears ringing for quite some time afterwards. I bet he would need quite some time to recover from the feeling if not a full hour and so on and so forth

Yeah I so agree (if there is something Hades II game did right that would be how Odysseus was still thinking of the Sirens song in the underworld) but I so agree most of the time we just see men turn into lovesick puppies wanting to go to "sexy women" (which ironically is not called out for sexism by modern media lol) but that is not what Homer described and not what the word means and as you said it is not even nearly talked enough or how terrifying their effect is!

Or even the fact that they are UNSEEN! There is no bigger horror than the threat you know is there and you cannot see it to know how to defend yourself against. They never show up! Their voices just traveled in the atmosphere.

Hell no one ever talks on how terrifying the experience is for ODYSSEUS! He is not a master of his body, he acts irrationally he is waving at his men to let him go even if he has heard before how dangerous they are etc and he is STILL CONSCIOUS! His brain is on full alert. HE KNOWS what is happening and still he cannot stop it. This shit is full horror for anyone ESPECIALLY for someone who lives by their own brain and rules like Odysseus and no one talks about it! I only made a small hint of it to my rant post back in the day but yeah...

Okay guys knowledge-bomb time!

Did you know that the Sirens (Σειρῆνες) come from the Greek word "σειρός" which means both "bright" and "hot"?

THIS is why the song of the sirens is deadly, painful and dangerous to hear. Because it literally burns you. Odysseus was listening to the song (the metaphor for wisdom knowledge or potential self-discovery, the knowledge that Odysseus was looking for all his life with his natural curiosity manifests in that scene) of the Sirens (bearers of knowledge and tales) and he feels literally burning inside!

Which is why in my opinion is absolutely perfectly right that all the good or relatively good adaptations of the Odyssey have Odysseus gasping for air or feeling totally exhausted after passing the sirens (see for example in the amazing 1968 version).

Because he must have felt himself literally burning from inside out!

The Sirens are not just alluring you! They are literally BURNING you! And anyone who doesn't show this danger of theirs and their important role in the Odyssey or twist it don't do good job! And I'll die on that hill!

(Another use of the word "σειρός" can be found to the bright star Sirius/Σείριος which is a bright and arguably hot star in the sky)

[haveihitanerve]

Le Ingredients: Papa needs to calm- Papa needs- papa-oy..

Hope you enjoy this insanity as much as I did! Lets go!:

“Should we just start off with ingredients?” I love it soo so so much when they turn to each other and ask, because usually the person who introduces the idea of the long form just has final say because they’re the ones talking(and they know each other well enough at this point to know which titles would make a good story for them/the others to develop) but i still love seeing them actually ask its so cute

“Thats how you start a recipe lets do it!” Damn Sam, thats so smooth. I forget sometimes this is their job lol

“Damn hes good.” lol exactly!

“All i need from you to get us started is- is some forced applause okay?” LMAOO TOM

“Thats why I married you.” AJ: *blinks. Pause. Ok sam. ok.* LMAOOO he did not see that coming

“I love you so much.” Lunges for Sam and kisses him so well he has to take a moment to recover is crazzyyyy XD

“Papa gets stressed.” Grins because he knows- he fucking knowss what he’s doing

“Papa needs to calm down.” Now Sam is in on it, even coming up behind ooohhh this is not how quickly i expected this to go-no complaints tho

“Papa needa calm- papa-oy-” Oh AJ did not expect Sam to go along lmaooo its too much for him

“I gave the 4-5 to.. James.. And *searches mind palace for another name* Tiffany.” XD

“ITALY!!!” *goes for a high five, gives Sam .2 seconds to reciprocate and gives up* “OkaY!!...”

“I love you.” “i love you too.” SAM FUCKING WINKS FUCKING WHAT. oh my gods… im going insane wow ok…

(also the absolutely no reaction from AJ, just a slight smile is killing me he was completely prepared for Sam to wink and acted like it happens on the daily and oh my gods)

*gasps dramatically* is Aj calling a side chick rn? No Aj! Bad AJ! Please give us a happy relationship…

Sam answering the phone XD

“She is gone is she? Where?” “I think to the toilet.” AJ… “is that what she said?” Sam is flabbergasted as to how AJ already forgot XD

Oh no, ok so AJ is planning something, what no one knows, not even him, but hes not cheating on his wife so we’re all good

“You need to bet in the papers.” “Did you say bet in the papers?” “No i said get in the papers.” mhm… sure Sam. sure. Also, thanks for giving us an actual plot of what aj is attempting to do???

AJ hanging up and then resuming his excellent stage craft of making food while waiting for either someone to join him or to end the scene- his little smile is so cute because he cant do anything unless someone else joins him XD

Sam just fucking screeching and AJ’s little jolt of surprise

[continuous cries of pain and choking for a disturbingly long time]

Tom sitting right next to Sam just :D watching to see what AJ’ll do next without bothering to move to help either one at all XD

AJ slowly breaking, a small smile, little flinch when Sam screams renewed, and shoulders shaking, while Tom props his arm up, classic Tom pose with his fingers over his mouth as he watches, they're so cute

*he is still going btw*

“HOT HOT! HOT! HOOOOOOTTT!” oh so he has words now, nice

[renewed cries of pain and??? drowning???]

[that also go on for a very long time and then eventually, slooowwwwlllllyyyyy die down]

Tom breaking and looking at Sam like “you good? You about done now?” 🫠😭

AJ taking a breath because its finally done

Sam: AUGH!! AJ: *pulls out a shotgun and fucking shoots him*

Sam himself finally ending the scene wth XD

Tom standing up resignedly as AJ finally gets to laugh off stage about Sam being weird 

“Morning chief.” Tom did not want that to be his character, as we can tell by his little sigh and AJ’s/Sam’s laughter at him. “Good morning.” why does he sound russian/like a vampire

“Any weird crimes happen yesterday?” Tom does his classic “ehhhhh.” nod. Love love love

“I've been up all night, its-” “what exactly happened?” AJ and Sam having shit eating grins because they made everything happen and are now forcing Tom to come up with the actual concrete details of the plot because they’re little shits like that XD

“I've only had time to watch it three times, it kept going y'know?” Shade thrown Sam’s way, very nicely done, and still being very obscure because he doesn't wanna build the plot lmaooo

“You know… you know octopuses?” Tom w h a t. Sam’s confused chuckle before he covers it because Tom. w h a t. 

“My story is always straight.👹” turns demonic for a second. Sam:... ok weird thing to say…

“So they serve octopus, paeiella.” …what. “Sorry?” Even Sam is knocked off guard. 

“Its a spanish dish.” “yeah.” Sam got that part. “Paella?” He knows what its called. “Octo- Let me finish why are you interrupting?” yes, act offended, perfect

“Shut your tiny mouth down.” even weirder thing to say but i dig it, keep going

“And thats not very nice, you know Im very insecure about the size of my mouth.” lmaooo Sam making it personal

“Its a small mouth are we meant to pretend?” Tom is not gonna let anything go, got it. “Meant to pretend its a normal sized mouth?” 

“okay come on lets move on.” Sam attempting to move the plot along

“Its dainty.” Tom not letting that happen “we like it, but its dainty.” Aj just grinning from off stage because he doesn't have to worry about plot or saying words properly

“So theres this octopus, and its in the paeilia.” (autocorrect tried to spell it correctly, but no, this is how tom spells it so this is how we spell it)

Sam folding, Aj laughing, and Tom being confused and defensive, amazing

“Cant pronounce that word, can you?” XD poor tom…

“PAIEALLLA!!!” Yes Tom, saying it louder means you are correct

“Paella.” That, strangely enough, autocorrect didn't want to change… suspicious

“Nooooo….” tom XD help-

“Im saying it the italiano way.” “oh I see. Wrong.” DAMN SAM!!! DAMN XD

“Anyway, octopus paella-” “octopus paeylla.” Tom- Aj loosing it on the side and Sam having to lean away, folding again. LMAOOO as Tom just stands there, like “what?” XD

“You sound like every time you say it, like you're having a mini stroke.” Sam will not let this go- also i've seen clips of this scene before and wow it goes on much longer than i believed lmaooo

AJ trying to recover and loosing it again when Sam says “mini stroke’ bending over fully and smacking his leg, amazing

“I will.. Get someone else.” now thats a threat. I think he means just in general, replacing Sam with a new improv group XD

“The other can do this just as well.” Aj your position off stage and not in the scene is being threatened. 

“What- you've just drawn an octopus so far. How does that *breaks, finally and laughs* help? I don't need pictograms *AJ cackling as he folds again, Sam trying to recover but failing* its not fucking ancient egypt.” this is glorious how did Tom manage to turn the tides on sam when its not even fucking real what hes doing LMAOOO XD

“Octopus- *disgruntled and aggressive glare at sam* paella.” Sam: *cheeky shit smirks and hold up a finger*-better!

“I work so hard.” we see you tom, we know, keep up the good work. 

“Octopus paeialla” he was so close!

“An octopus dish.” they have taken all the wind from his sails lmaooo

“Yum this delicious.. dish.”  poor baby XD

“I got to the big deal and you're just cutting off me!!!!!!” tom, where are these english degrees thats not proper word positioning in a sentence tsk tsk lol

“Were going back to the start!” Angry tom. “Octopus paeilla.” hes given up on all of them XD

“By the paella or by the octopus?” sam knew what he was trying to say and is just making life hard at this point XD and we love him for it

“AHHHHHH!” tom is ready to strangle him XD

*long winded explanation that periodically is interrupted by Tom *wiggle arms* and Aj laughing* and the woman is dead.  Well that wrapped up nicely…

“Si.” “Si?” “... yes.” Sam is just fucking with him now XD “Si. Yes.” *Tom is going insane* “what?” his little arm flaps at Sam hes so confused and concerned XD 

Meanwhile AJ: *loosing it offstage*

“Why are you questioning me?” I love the way he suddenly inhaled helium and is eight octaves higher, adore

“I think, open and shut case.” “octopus breaks into restaurant, *Aj’s giggle* hides into a paella, *deep breath* and then strangles *Tom: paeilla* (tom baby no) a woman.” “Si. ANd fire.” yes, yes Sam, don't forget the fire. 

“Maybe the octopus did it, i don't fucking know.” Sam is just done lmaoo

“Dina, dina come in.” AJ’s nod at Sam that ‘yes, you are dina, my wife, come here’ and Tom being extra “ill leave.” 

“Really?” Sam is shocked lmaooo, so much so he forgets his accent XD

“Why are the italians so fucking mental.” lmaooo- Translation: why are you two idiots so fucking mental, cant we have a normal fucking skit for once

“Its- is terrible.” Brilliant acting Aj, 10/10, everyone believes that you think its terrible

“Babi-” did he forget the name or is this his italian pet name for his wife? 

AJ’s smile and his correction- “dina” reveals the first(or its his weird italian way of saying “babe” or smth but nobody got it so he had to clarify lol)

“You only call me Babi when you're lying.” 

“This is your restaurant.” “yes?” aj is unaware how this is relevant. “This is so far very much within your wheelhouse.” LMAOOO

Aj’s hand still on Sam’s shoulder🫠

“Where would I find an octopus-” “you're a chef! Its one of the ingredients-!” Sam is loosing it XD

“But where would I find an octopus that has the ability to strangle someone and set itself on fire. *starts grinning* its so stupid.” It is indeed, and we love it

“I know about your circus past.” DAMN! The way AJ’s smile dropped so fast is incredible holy shit

“Don't you ever-” Both Sam and AJ break with laughter because honestly, what is this storyline XD

“The english mafia.” AJ fighting a smile🫠😭

*pulls out his actual, genuine iphone* look at this, Starling Bank *grins* What number does it say, from last nights revenue. Say it out loud.” AJ forcing Sam to create this, beautiful XD

Sam actually doing something on AJ’s phone lol, so sweet

“Two-” “two million euros.” Said in unison while grinning at each other- ill be right back let me just go cry in the corner-

Tom: *stands, ready to join the scene* Sam: the octopus! Tom: *look of disappointment and annoyance the way only good friends can convey with a single look*

All three of them laughing at the joke together im gonna cry theyre so cute

Tom’s head tilt- sobbing🫠

“No stop it!” Aj has to step in to defend him XD

Sam still losing it at his own joke while Tom just stares at him, done

“Let him be the character he wanted to be!” AJ!!! help- XD

“Do you have something to mention on the octopus. *voice shaking with laughter* whoever you may be.” Tom: *just starts fucking honking????* XD LMAOO

“Me and my comically large feet.” Puts foot up on chair where AJ’s hand was a second ago, moves it away before he places it because he saw it coming. Almost loses his balance- Sams hand snaps up and stabilizes him as Aj grabs the chair and his foot😭*sobs in the corner in i want their friendship*

THE WAY SAMS PHONE TURNS OFF RIGHT AS TOM SNAPS IS INSANEE

“Is he a clown or magician?” Tom: *eyes light up in idea* both! *fwish* flowers? Tom stop being sweet to AJ’s wife, this isn't a cheating story.. Also- the true magic is that hes wearing short sleeves, so he pulled the flowers out of his wrists… 

“Its a bird!” thank you for sharing Tom XD

The way they're all standing in like a triangle just periodically smiling at each other when they’re not the ones actively participating in the scene is too cute

“They have magicians at the circus right?” Noooot… really, but now really isn't the time to ask, that would have been like… a few seconds ago lol

Sam and AJ laughing, Sam releasing air like a balloon while AJ just chuckles, staring at tom incredulously like “you're asking this now??” and Tom just smiles and goes “yeahh.” and i love that for all of them

“This marriage is over!” NOOOO “No!” Sam: :) Si. LMAOO

“Remember,” Aj dropping a few inches in height just so Tom seems even taller is crazy mental and i love him for it

“The big top always comes out.. On top.” AJ’s surprised burst of a laugh is everything to me, including his little victorian hand over the mouth

Tom backing up while making clown honk noises and AJ tries desperately not to laugh

“Its like seven in the afternoon.” Tom: *really?* seven in the afternoon? Thats why!

“Im sorry, I’ve been up all night with duolingo trying to learn spanish words,*sam’s slow growing joy as the sentence progresses, AJ’s laugh in the back* apparently my pronunciation is terrible.” LMAOO Tom never change XD

Tom ever so casually just shutting the door in Sam’s face as he starts to ramble is a power move and also crazy

“I thought we could do this bit off stage because its really just… *flaps arms tiredly* they already know.” Sam laughs and does, in fact, end the scene lol

“Dmitri!” Tom: *speaks Russian gibberish back* AJ: *pauses, did not expect that, has to smile* don't speak russian! Fuckin- *cant think of something not xenophobic to say*-do it now!

“I have a successful restaurant-” Tom comes fucking floating in like hes the Ghost of Somerset past or smth weird like that..

AJ: *bamboozled but keeps talking, glancing at Tom like ‘what do you want now’* they're all so tired and done with each other its absolutely amazing

Tom weirdly hugging Aj… its just cute even if its weird…anyway…

“My name is.. Uh…” AJ not sure if hes been given a name, if he has a name, if he can come up with a name, or if waiters even introduce themselves. They don't, especially not if hes just serving food and not there to just grab orders, but he’s realizing that slowly XD

“I wanted some of your… paillllaa.” Tom, just… keep trying bud, you're doing great. Sam’s laugh off stage is amazing too

“You are under arrest.” AJ’s smile of ‘wow okay already? We moved fast tom, but ok..” “on suspicion of octopus” Tom, never change XD

“And we will kill no more women in here.” Sam and AJ having a stare down while Tom does a fourth wall break, iconic as always

“Everybody hear that? So, if any of you were thinking of doing a murder, n- you cant!” and thats- thats final!!! So says Tom! lmaooo

“I've got one last ingredient for you” *does stagecraft of taking off a ring, but maybe thats not obvious enough* “my wedding ring.” Tom: *nope we cant have that* thats actually contraband… so.. 

All of them cracking at Tom’s last joke

Also the way Tom was still cradling AJ’s hands… 😭

AND SCENE

ANyway this was absolutely delightful, loved the delightful arguing, the... i dont wanna say eye-fucking because they weren't doing that, maybe eye-shitting-on-each-other?? anyways it was amazing as always, they're too fucking cute and I love

This is also one of the first skits I've seen where AJ is equally as done with Sam and Tom as they are with him, and its delightful lmaoo

@dawn-speckled thank you for the rec! @snek-of-eden

[duskiily]

"do you think we're bad people?"

[leah2eroes]

yeah make the disabled girl do unpaid manual labour for you outside in the cold when shes been awake for 20 hours whats the worst that could happen haha

[captainjamesjoneshook]

@pall0r-mortis

...jeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez, what was wrong with this guy?

Actually, James didn't want to know. It was probably very sad and very heartbreaking. If he heard it, it would no doubt pull at the empathy he unfortunately harbored within and then he would feel guilty for not liking him and– there was always a reason people acted the way they did. It would be easier to believe people were just mean or annoying for the sake of it, because then there was no reason to give it right back.

Or, you could be like his dad and not care what anyone's story was and just be mean to them anyway.

Either way, James figured it was probably better to not get into the nitty gritty. The real nitty gritty, anyway. Not the kid or marriage talk he'd been joking with before– the stuff that would actually strike nerves and turn this into an actual fight rather than a game. Especially with the dad talk. He didn't know that Sid had come prepared for a cage match, but James wasn't sure he'd make it out of it alive. As satisfying as it would be to get the first punch off, Sid seemed like he had reserves for days and James would be reduced to nothing but a smear on the pavement.

Besides, it wasn't like Sid would want him to ask, right? This was a joke. He didn't actually give a shit about James, he was just trying to get James to give a shit about him to have a laugh. Or something. He still hadn't figured that bit out yet.

"You did, you said–!" James started to reply only to stop himself. He breathed in deeply and let it go. "Whatever. Moving on; Yes. I have stuff I want to do in mind, but like I said, when I can do them will depend on when I can recover. That takes a while, you know? I'm– I'm relearning a whole bunch of shit that used to be easy! Sorry I can't have any large ambitions when I'm takes me half an hour to gather everything for a bowl of bloody cereal– it's not as if I don't want to do things but I can't right now!"

And whoops, he'd gotten heated anyway.

"It's not my life," Sid replied, quite directly and there was no pretty imagery to go along with the sentiment like the way that James described it. Because that was all well and good for James, if he wanted to be poetic about it Sid wasn't going to call him on it, he just didn't really see anything poetic in his own situation.

"It's not the place, it could be any place and I would feel just the same, it's just not the place I'm supposed to be." He continued, and the edges of those words felt brittle, of course there was some bitterness behind them but it wasn't directed at the town, it wasn't directed at James, as much as Sid enjoyed projecting his irritation on things around him he knew the reason why he was so fully frustrated being there. "I'm here because my father needs me to be here, and I wasn't going to say no to that." Although it was more the case that he couldn't say no, but that fell firmly into the realms of things James did not need to know.

Paul would have been furious anyway if he thought Sid was making the implication that he was in some dire state; it was unacceptable. Like most of the conversation would have been unacceptable since it wasn't getting him any closer to what he actually needed from James.

That town was more likely to have a hand wrapped around his throat than holding his hand, Sid reflected, but he didn't say that. He just gave what amounted to a shrug of his shoulders. Sid knew what was missing in that town that he needed; he did not have the obscurity that felt like safety. If anyone looked too closely they would notice the things that were different, and those were the things that Sid didn't want people noticing. Those were the things that Sid covered over with more glaring details, wrapped them up in clothes that made people label him off as a problem and flat expressions that convinced others they didn't want to talk to him; for as much of that image was so fully himself it was also camouflage that he felt secure in.

An idea he was sure he wouldn't be able to explain to someone like James; the pretty boy next door (Sid wasn't blind, thanks) type who was such a staple in town that people stopped to chat on the street with.

"So you wouldn't be escaping, and you don't care if you go somewhere else; so what do you care about?" Sid was honestly baffled by how lackadaisical James was on the idea; he had no reference for the concept of just taking life as it came along. That sounded like such a foreign idea that he could barely wrap his head around it. "You're just not going to do anything until something comes along for you to do?" It became progressively more perplexing the longer he tried to reason through this idea, the confusion started to become more apparent in his expression as he talked, a tiny hint of envy joining it because how did someone just not have a plan they had to follow?

"Who said I didn't like the dreams," he mumbled, he hadn't said that directly. But what did those brief escapes offer him that weren't going to be more of a sting after they were gone?

@captainjamesjoneshook

[katyspersonal]

Lrb dear god, this reminded me of that time when Alfred-chan got sooooo mad at my post explaining why fans should respect bisexual headcanons for Maria and Malenia instead of pretending like they're canonically lesbians and that they get oppressed and erased by mxf ships with them. They kept vagueing that post for like a MONTH in their blog including in tags under reblogs of Maria fanart, passively-aggressively changed their url to character+sexuality to "spite" me and then even made a sockpuppet account to start shit with me in the comments.

They deactivated when me and Val completely obliterated their "you cultivate lesbiphobic following by telling people why they should respect all sexuality headcanons instead of acting cultish or assuming their experiences and stereotypes equal canon confirmation" garbage with actual facts and logic tho but I screenshotted everything fjthfgfj (I learned to document everything the hard way after they've changed the she/they pronouns to they/they pronouns ONLY to accuse me of misgendering, so thank you for making me wiser I guess 😎). Even more vile, as they, a white person, larped as an Arab in that sockpuppet to hold even MORE "privilege" against me in discussion gjtjfh Because for them race, gender or sexuality are just badges of honor and dishonor, they don't see these as traits of actual human beings. And Dr Eugene X, who worked with them and weaponized her race to accuse everyone who disagreed with her of racism, didn't bat an eye at such a terrible act too?? As usual, rules are not for their friends, lol

It is not even the worst thing Alfred did, and yet all of this just, just, JUST because I wrote a point on why bisexual headcanon people did nothing wrong and there is no ground to claim something is canon when it isn't. 🤦‍♂️ Like, they were soooo convinced that I hated lesbian headcanons and that I'd feel angry if they called Lady Maria a lesbian, when what I was angry at is this exact toxic behavior in the fandom. No matter how much you like a headcanon, don't be a bitch about it. Maria doesn't """belong""" to any gender or sexuality, she belongs to anyone who likes her and is invested in her complexity as a character!!!

Yet, apparently, common Malenia simps / Finlay shippers are no better than common Maria simps / Mariadeline shippers. Just, wild how after shit like this, many people have the guts to claim that it is "sexist redditbros" who are the biggest problem of creators in the fandom. 🤦‍♂️ They'd actually blush if they encountered what such self-proclaimed "feminists" do to their own (!!!) over headcanons. 🤦‍♂️🤦‍♂️🤦‍��️

[thebreakfastgenie]

Please tell us more hamster lore

My hamster Mo, the one who learned how to open his cage, also reliably came when called. So I woke up very early in the morning on Thanksgiving when I was like nine or ten and thought I saw movement so I said "Mo?" and he came running and beamed up at me from the floor next to my bed like "look at me! I'm out!" because he was a little shit.

Mo also knew how to open a hamster ball from the inside. I had another one later who chewed the tabs off the lid so it no longer closed, but Mo didn't do that, he just figured out how to unlatch the lid from the inside and he was a bigger hamster so he could get the job done physically. I kept leaving him in a room in his ball while I was cleaning his cage and coming back to find him running loose unsupervised (which was not safe, even in my room, and he was often in the ball in even less hamster-proofed rooms) and my mom kept chastising me for not latching the ball securely and telling me I had to pay closer attention while I insisted I was. We started having my dad sit in the room while Mo was running in the ball to supervise him so he was getting chastised too for not watching closely. And then finally one night we caught Mo in the act of opening the ball and I had proof he had been framing us. My mom did apologize to me lol and to be fair, it's much more believable that a 10-year-old didn't latch a ball correctly than that a hamster was just routinely opening it.

Mo was a genius but he would periodically go insane and stuff his plastic tubes with tightly packed bedding. He had two habitrail cages connected by a fairly long tube system because the space I had for the cage limited the layout a little bit. The two cages were parallel and thankfully connected by a tube on each side, so he had two routes, but he did periodically stuff both of them at the same time and we'd have to empty them out at 6am before leaving for school. And then one time he somehow managed to Cask of Amontillado himself in the middle of a tube with tightly packed bedding both in front of him and behind him. My mom recently saw an X-ray video online of a hamster turning around in a narrow space and sent it to me like "that's how he did it!!!" Fortunately I noticed what he'd done pretty quickly so we were able to free him before he like got dehydrated.

At the same time as Mo I had Snowball who was pure white and looked exactly like a small Snowball when she was curled up. Mo and Snowball had to be separate because they were a male and female and also because Syrian hamsters are solitary and will be aggressive toward each other. The only reason I had two at the same time is that I had seen both of them at two pet stores and had trouble deciding and when I was looking at Snowball at the worse pet store the employee tried to get her out to show her to me (competent employees always use a box for the smaller animals, she just grabbed her with her hands) and dropped her. Snowball was a teeny tiny baby hamster who fell four feet onto a concrete floor and she was stunned for a bit but alive and started to regain function after a few minutes. The manager (who felt bad about the whole thing and was generally doing her best) didn't want to let me take her but I was insistent and, well, see how well you hold up against a tiny 9-year-old with round glasses and long pigtails lecturing you about how if the hamster is going to die she deserves to die in peace and quiet while the mom just kind of looks at you like 🤷‍♀️

I knew there was a chance Snowball wouldn't make it but I believed in her. My parents were convinced she was going to die so they took me back to the better pet store to take Mo too, since I'd been attached to him too and they figured having another hamster already would be better when Snowball inevitably died. But Snowball was a survivor so I had two hamsters which is twice the work because they needed totally separate habitats but #WorthIt. Snowball grew from teeny tiny to a good sized female Syrian hamster and was the most athletic hamster I ever had. They all climbed the bars on the cages but she literally did pull-ups. I swear she did it on purpose. She was buff. The only lingering physical symptom was that her urine was always weird, but it didn't seem to cause her any pain and she lived to be two years old which is good for a Syrian, the normal lifespan is 18-24 months and 18-20 is really more common. I think she probably had traumatic damage to one kidney from the fall but had enough function to get by. Her traumatic beginning did understandably make her hate most humans. I was very gentle and patient with her and in time socialized her to be a totally friendly pet with me but she never liked anyone else. She tolerated my mom enough that my mom could take care of her if I wasn't there and could pet her when I had her out but she was a one-person rodent because I was the only one who believed in her and saved her life.

A couple weeks after Mo escaped Snowball also popped the cage open. She was smart but I don't think she understood how opening the cage worked quite as well as Mo did but she did it and she got out of her cage, off the dresser it was on, across the room, and somehow climbed up into a child-sized wooden chair and used the (fairly precarious) stack of books and stuff to get onto the table Mo's cage was on and then climbed up the outside of his cage and went to sleep on top of it. I woke up it the wee hours of the morning, saw a blurry (my glasses were not on) white shape on top of my hamster's cage and was so confused. I went over and realized it was Snowball and she was so still I thought she was dead but I touched her and she woke up and I was like hello???? At this point I had been through enough incidents like this that despite being like ten years old and extremely groggy I had the presence of mind to put her in the hamster ball until we could figure out how she got out of the cage in the first place so I did that and went to wake up my parents who didn't believe me and kept asking if I was dreaming. After a few minutes they realized it was real and my mom to this day is like "can you blame us? that was insane" and I'm like can you blame ME for being offended that you thought I was dreaming when I just lived through all that?? Also later I found out Snowball had stolen an entire box of treats while she was out and stashed them in the back of my closet.

We came up with the miniature bungee cords after that lol.

It wouldn't have been good for Snowball's health to breed them and also hamsters have litters of up to ten and finding good homes for them is really hard so it wouldn't have been responsible but I always wanted to breed Mo and Snowball because their offspring would have been super hamsters.

This is already super long but next time I'll tell you about my first hamster Sunny who's the reason I knew how to act in the event of a hamster escape.

[thisurlwasnttakenbutnowitis]

My supervisor at work just made me hop on a call with her, demanding me to explain to her why I was "ignoring her messages" last night. You wanna know what time her first message came in? 5:04 PM. You wanna know what time my shift ends and I shut down my computer for the night? 5:00 PM. Now, anyone with half a brain and especially someone with readily-available access to my schedule and my clock punches could probably suss out the reason I didn't respond to those messages, hmm? And yet there I was, having to defend myself with simple facts that she could have figured out herself if she had taken one fucking second to look! Oh, and of course there was no apology from her afterwards either, because why would there be? It's not like she was wrong or anything, because oh, my status in Microsoft Teams still showed as "available" for a second when she messaged, I'm sorry. Because that never takes a few minutes to automatically update or anything. So the lesson here wasn't "maybe put in the tiniest amount of research before coming at one of your employees with instant accusations", no, it's that I need to make sure I manually set my status to offline in Microsoft Teams when I leave for the day.

I have been at my job for 5 years, and in that time, I have had 6 supervisors. I've never kept the same one for too long, and I'm hoping that trend continues because this is the first supervisor I've had that has actively made me hate my job. 🥲

[beef-brisket]

Adam has been home for hours, and he was still in his work clothes. Since seeing those beautiful sun flowers Charlie and Lucifer brought him, he's been drawing up plans for his garden.

How couldn't he plan his garden around them their absolutely gorgeous, and they are even more special because of Lucifer and Charlie.

He smiled, thinking of Lucifer.

Adam: Oh god...

Adam buried his head in his hands when he felt his heart flutter at the thought of him. He can't start crushing on him- not again. He remembered the embarrassment of confessing to Eve. What a shot in the heart that was.

And besides, Lucifer's hurt. He's recovering from a horrible relationship, even after all these years. He definitely wouldn't want to get in another one... especially with Adam of all people.

Adam: Fuck- You're an idiot Adam... always falling for people that do nice shit for you... what a fucking loser...

Shutting his book, Adam walked to his kitchen and turned his stove on. He should make some dinner.

Thank god it's the weekend tomorrow. He can finally finished unpacking then get on to his garden.

Looking up, Adam smiled when he saw Lucifer moving around his house.

He's... adorable.

Groaning, Adam leaned against his bench and put his head in his hands. He fucking hates feelings.

-

Flicking through pages of one of the plant booklets Charlie brought home, Lucifer hummed at the different plants.

This is making him want to get out in the garden. But, maybe the backyard. Away from the road. That's a good idea.

Maybe he could plant some sunflowers, too. The small ones, though.

Looking out the window, Lucifer was shocked to see it was nighttime already. Where did the day go?

He did his routine, was shutting and locking all of the windows and shutting the curtains. But when he got to the front door, he heard a soft knock.

Slowly opening it, he smiled when he saw Adam.

Lucifer: Evening, Adam.

Adam: Hey, Lu! I uh- sorry I didn't come round earlier- I wanted to thank you and Charlie, but the day got away on me- oh! I brought you a few things!

Lucifer chuckled when Adam knelt down and picked something up.

Adam: So- because you helped my garden- with the best flower ever in my opinion- I wanted to return the favor! So, this is a begonia- it's good for hanging pots- or window pots. I wanted to get you something that you didn't have to go out of your comfort to care for. And-.

Lucifer grabbed the pot and smiled at the little sapling. He has no idea what a begonia is, but it sounds beautiful.

Adam: I-I made too much dinner again- I swear I'm not doing this on purpose! I'm just... my eyes are way bigger than my stomach.

Adam handed Lucifer another container of food, and the blonde could already smell it. His mouth was watering so much.

Adam: It's a ramen kinda thing. A poor man's ramen.

Lucifer chuckled: Sounds delicious.

Adam: Oh- and you can hold onto the container you'd like, I'm sorry that I made you leave your place to give it back- I didn't even think.

Lucifer: It's... it's okay, Adam. It was a good push... actually.

Adam: A push? I don't want to push you, Lu- oh god. I'm sorry. Fucking idiot- you hold onto it, okay? I'll grab it next time I bother you. I'm sure I'll bring you more food at some point.

Lucifer wanted to laugh at how much Adam was panicking. Did he always look so ridiculous when he panicked? Surely not.

After forcing some of Charlie's cookies on Adam, they waved goodbye to each other, and Lucifer started his routine all over again.

Snuggling into bed, he turned on the TV and started eating the food Adam brought.

He's never had ramen before, but he couldn't believe how good it was. Or maybe it was good because Adam cooked it.

Glancing at the windowsill, Lucifer smiled at the small pot plant Adam gave him. It's a nice way to flex his green thumb after all these years.

Lucifer: ...How sweet...

Trapped Heart

@beef-brisket

⚠️This deals with Agoraphobia, anxiety, depression, and mentions of domestic abuse ⚠️

-

Adam: Well that's the last of them.

He looked around his new home and smiled, this place was so much better than his last home and a third of the price too.

They were practically giving it away.

There was his lawn mower that was on the truck still.

Adam went out to put it in the garage when he noticed his neighbor, a short blonde man getting his mail from his box. He was better looking than his last neighbor.

Adam waved: Hey!

Lucifer jumped as he grasped his mail, he looked over and saw a handsome brunette standing in the driveway across the road smiling and waving.

Lucifer: O-Oh, hi!

Adam: Names Adam, I just moved in.

Lucifer: N-nice to meet you! I'm Lucifer, I hope you like it here.

He wanted to be polite and welcome his new neighbor right, but he could already feel the cold tendrils of anxiety start to slowly crawl through his skin trying to wrap around him like a vice grip.

How long has he been outside? His heart started to beat a little hard with each moment he's not back in his home. He could die! He's not safe he needs to get back!

Adam: Yeah me too.

By the looks of it he already likes what he sees.

Lucifer nodded, he could feel the tremors starting in his hands the palms getting sweaty.

He needs to go.

Lucifer: I-It was nice to meet you Adam! B-But I need to get going.

Adam: Oh okay, maybe we can hang out sometime?

Lucifer gave a tight smile: Y-yeah.

He waved again to be polite and tried not to run back to his house, his therapist said it was good for him to be out as long as he could stand it.

Pushing himself a little each day. Today him reached his limit.

Once his front door was closed and locked behind relief washed over him, he's safe now nothing can hurt him. He hugged his mail to his chest, he needed to sit down.

Lucifer went over and placed everything on the coffee table. He tried to remember his breathing exercises.

Adam seemed very nice, maybe he'll send Charlie over when she comes to give him a proper greeting.

-

Adam tilted his head as he watched his new neighbor go into his home, if he didn't know any better he would say the man was panicked. Did he do something? He knows his personality can be a little brash at times but he thought he was being polite.

A man that lived beside him came out for his mail as well.

Adam: Hi! Umm, I'm new here.

Alastor: Oh hello! I'm Alastor, I guess that makes us neighbors.

Adam chuckled: Guess so. Umm, if I may ask, is the man that lives there okay? I didn't intend to upset him.

Alastor looked over at Lucifer's home and rolled his eyes.

Alastor: Getting the mail was he? Don't worry about it that man's afraid of his own shadow. I wouldn't waste my time, he never leaves his house.

Well that sounded a little dramatic.

Adam: What?

Alastor leaned on the fence: Oh yeah, Mr. Morgenstern over there never leaves his house. Rumor has it that his wife used to beat the fuck out of him in the home but it was worse when they were in public. Apparently she'd just humiliate him and others would join in making things worse. He was never free of her but at least in the home he could be alone.

Adam was horrified to hear that: Dude, the fuck, is that true?

Alastor shrugged: Not sure. All I know that is true is she left him nearly 8 years ago and he's become some kind of hermit that never leaves the damn house. His daughter Charlie, sweet girl you'll likely meet her, comes over from time to time.

Adam looked over at Lucifer's house, that couldn't all be true right? Maybe some was and the rest is telephone gossip extras?

Him and Alastor parted ways, he had to put everything away in his house. All the while his mind kept going back to the handsome neighbor across the way.

[carbonateddelusion]

I know I haven't said much about it, but legitimately, "running away" was one of the most pivotal life decisions I've ever made. Probably THE first major life decision I've made, and also the best. If you have an opportunity to go, leave. Get out of there. If you are not safe at home, emotionally, physically, whatever, and you're able to leave, do it. It's going to suck such major ass for a while because you're going to have to deal with the scars they've left on you, but I wholeheartedly, full-throatedly, with-my-chest promise you that it is going to be better. You're going to be better. If you have the privilege of being able to escape, no matter how difficult it feels, then RUN.

[mars-ipan]

still insane to me how ppl pretend fatphobia is about health only to continue to be fatphobic when someone gains weight or even just looks somewhat fatter as a result of improving health

[dawnthefluffyduck]

I drew this explanation post for why I was completely inactive for a week, but then felt too anxious and drained to post it, and subsequently disappeared for a second week

Two main blog drawings and one side blog wip later, I remembered I made this and still think it's funny, so even though I stopped being dead (TM) I still wanted to share lol

Brief series of events at work

^^^old, but I'm still taking it easy so posts on both this blog and my alt will continue to be scattered for now

[dootznbootz]

As someone with ADHD, you know you're fucking exhausted when you're not even fidgeting. :'D

[baekuras]

Thinking about Luis surviving & recovering while Leon gets to sit at his bedside or wherever reading Don Quixote to him <3

[theood]

If I could change one thing in my life I'd make it so no one ever commented on food