#because i just wrote it especially
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Writing game: Post the last line that you wrote and tag someone for every word in the line.
First of all, I am loving reading all these "last lines" even for the fandoms I'm not familiar with. And for the fandoms I do know and love, I totally need to read some of these stories now.
Thank you for the tags, @daughterofthesunlands, @askereiniongilgalad, and @small-carbon-lifeform! And please forgive me for the following, for I am not a fic writer but my heart is in the right place, if in a completely irreverently reverent and unhinged kind of way. Please somebody read this but also please nobody read this, ever. In the immortal tags of @valar-did-me-wrong, #ok Im not well and i wont let others be well either.
She dreamt of worshipping that mole with her tongue, with the fervency of a newly devoted acolyte, kneeling and trembling before her god.
It's from my forthcoming collection, Musings on a Photo by Annie Leibovitz on a Thursday Afternoon When I Should Be Working.
100% absolutely completely no pressure tags to *deep breath* @valar-did-me-wrong, @balrogballs, @self-destructinganimal, @marshmellin, @thrillofhope, @partfae, @inkdusth, @xximmortalkissxx,@nocaptainonthisship, @princessfantaghiro, @poetryvampire, @galstelperion, @iwanderbecauseimlost, @daughterofthesunlands, @hailturinturambar, @transelrond, @ashamedbigtime, @scholarlyhobbit, @squiggly-lines-on-a-page, @strangestloves, @hufflepufferine, @erulasse23
(Yes I know I am double tagging people but I had 23 and I'm an introvert ok 😭?)
writing game: post the last line that you wrote and tag someone for every word in the line.
i was tagged by @flowersforbucky; thank you!
This is from my valentine's Day story I'm working on for @yxtkiwiyxt and mine writing challenge.
Ever since Wade brought him home from the Void just over a year ago, you two have been dancing around each other.
no pressure tags: @yxtkiwiyxt, @pedroscurls, @pandapetals, @ovaryacted, @logansbaby, @bpmiranda, @themareverine, @th3mrskory, @princessanglophile, @logaenhowlett
#[REDACTED]#you all are going to regret tagging me in anything ever#I may orphan this later#technically... it was the last thing I wrote?#because i just wrote it especially#tongue in cheek kind of
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I am absolutely begging people to stop treating nazism as their big, bad blorbo caricature they can just invoke when they're mildly irritated about people who (they think) have Bad Opinions.
Nazism is not just "any time a Bad Guy does Bad Things." Nazism is not your final jojo stand you can invoke to win discussions or debates. It is a real life ideology that is intrinsically linked to the radical antisemitism it espouses and ignoring that is fundamentally harmful to the point of being radically antisemetic.
Since this is on-topic, I've been reading People Love Dead Jews (I am on chapter two), and I think downplaying nazism is absolutely part of de-emphasizing and reprioritizing antisemitism to make it about everything else but the antisemitism. When nazism is everything, then it can't be fundamentally antisemetic. You won't have to acknowledge that jews are the primary target of nazis and nazism if nazis are everything else. It's not a coincidence, especially seeing how many jews people call nazis. This is part of the dead jew that people love - if your eye is turned away from the fact that jews both exist still and are affected by violence and oppression, you get to say, "the jew is dead!".
Regardless, you will never live in a world without us**
עם ישראל חי
#jumblr#jewish politics#antisemitism tw#personal thoughts tag#i wrote this post after waking up and seeing someone do exactly this (invoking n-zism like it's their jojo stand)#and i drafted it because i don't know if this post will even be helpful#and then i saw MULTIPLE more people do it like twelve hours later so i guess i am going to post this#stop making n-zism your blorbo. it's absolutely not required to do that to make a point#also that book is gutting me. it's been really hard to get through things like that (what dara horn talks about)#especially about anne frank. i can barely unpack all my feelings about it. she (and all jews) just feel like family. *my* family#it feels even more personal now. i used to be paranoid that i wouldn't bee good at adopting the jewish family as *mine*#but the opposite is true. these are *my* people - as close to me as family. and jewish history didn't just 'happen to /them/'
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I have seen multiple Demon Twins AUs where Damian sees Danny, assumes he is a clone and tries to kill him. Then after the truth is revealed, Danny is just like, "oh okay no big deal! He just thought I was a clone." Then they hug or something. But I disagree?
Yes, Danny is very forgiving of harm done to him, he is friendly with a lot of ghosts who have attacked him. But how friendly is he with people who hurt those he cares about? Even more so, those who aren't even sorry about their actions? I can see Danny forgiving Damian for trying to kill him. I am more skeptical about him forgiving if it was done purely because he was believed to be a clone.
Danny, who has a clone he actually cares about, would be more pissed by this explanation, not less. I can see him thinking something like, "Oh you thought murder was okay because they were a clone? You don't think their life has value?" This explanation would do the opposite of reassure Danny. I can even see him feeling a kinship, a brotherhood, with Damian's dead clones. I can see him, a dead teen himself, mourning them.
This isn't really fair to Damian for sure. He has a lot of legitimate trauma around cloning. Even more so if we use the idea that he (and Danny in this AU) were test tube babies. And he has worked so hard to grow and change and leave his more violent upbringing behind him. His long lost twin believing him to be nothing more than a violent murderer would hurt a lot.
But even so... No matter what their relationship was like before, Danny would not trust Damian after this. How could he trust someone who would have killed Dani?
Idk, I just haven't seen a single demon twins AU where Danny is defensive of clones and I think it is a huge missed opportunity for angst and drama.
#And I don't think just an apology and a promise to not kill Dani would be enough. He would need to PROVE he can be KIND to clones#which is something i am not sure Damian has the ability to do without a lot of therapy. Because like did he ever work out this trauma?#I think he would just get defensive and that makes Danny more mad#And again yes Damian has very valid trauma but that doesn't excuse the murder attempt actually#What if I wrote a fic dealing with this exact conflict? Just kidding. Unless? UNLESS?? Would anyone want this???#I LOVE COMPLICATED RELATIONSHIPS. I love the idea of the demon twins AU but like none of them have the level of relationship drama i crave#I want them to be forced to see things from each other's point of view.#Danny needs to see just how much Damian's past experiences with cloning traumatized him.#Perhaps especially because the clone that KILLED him had his dead brother's face?#Meanwhile Damian needs to see that maybe attacking someone without even trying to talk to them first is bad actually.#I just want a Damian centric fic to actually address his clone trauma. There are like none that do. Is that too much to ask?#Actually maybe even a fic were Danny IS Damian's clone could be really interesting too#damian wayne#damian al ghul#danny phantom#danny fenton#damian and danny are twins#demon twins au#batman#dc comics#dc x dp#dc x dp crossover#dc#dpxdc#dp x dc crossover#dp#danyal al ghul
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happy 2nd anniversary to what continues to be the game of all time!! 🪐
#i was a teenage exocolonist#teenage exocolonist#exocolonist#iwatex#iwatec#dys exocolonist#dysthymia exocolonist#ocs#incandescent#ill be real i forgot it was today panicked and then whipped this up in like one go LMAO#not to be dramatic!! but this game fundamentally changed me as a person just a lil bit#i wrote my uni paper about it!! i have sm love and respect for the devs#my art#2024#paintings#anyway i specifically wanted to draw this dys outfit for a while now because i saw it in the artbook months ago and died#the alien mouth hood killed me. he's just a little guy#i had a thought whilst working on this that inca's older brother (ram) who's big into like. scientific research and documenting stuff#could've been amongst the first people that made books about vertumna#especially since the colony doesnt really use physical books. but it's a step in the direction of them having their own culture :)#gave this to their lil sibling like lookie here! shapes and colours!
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Nothing to see here just steph stealing glances of klay like he’s afraid he’s going to get caught 😃😃 (via namxsj on twitter )
#nba#golden state warriors#dallas mavericks#steph curry#klay thompson#steph/klay#ok first of all oh my god#secondly i need asg week to be NEOW actually I don’t think im capable of waiting til feb#both teams have kinda been floundering (mavs to a lesser extent but still) and I am growing Impatient for the reunion !!#also the buddy hield cycle being proven right for the 4th(?) time. lmao. some of those dumbasses rlly thought they got prime klay back#the victory lapping after beating the blazers jazz pelicans and pelicans was like nothing I had ever seen#especially towards a fucking legend !! like klay fucking thompson !!!!#no one not even pr-trained to high hell steph curry himself could ever convince me that he’s hopeful or even okay with this bullshit#he needs klay. klay needs him. they need each other and always have but it’s looking more and more likely that steph is#gonna go out like kobe while klay is gonna gonna keep chasing the ghost of pre-injury self#that last part felt so wrong to type out because i personally think he’s been everything you could want and more from a guy#who went thru everything that he went thru and#his comeback is probably my favorite comeback story in any sport ever of all time bc it’s such a fairy tale. and it also actually HAPPENED#!!!!!!!!!!!!#ppl talk abt the injuries like they happened to him and then he just disappeared forever like no bitch !!!!#he came back and they won it all that same year !! led the league in 3pm the year after that !!!!!! led the league in ft% the year#after that n ppl still acting like he adds virtually no value to any team that wants to win a chip when in reality that couldn’t be further#from the truth#I wrote it like that because I get the sense that they both look a little lost/confused at times and I can’t help but think that#losing embarrassingly or not they might at least be in better spirits (if nothing else) if they still had each other’s company#oh well. lol#ok I think that’s everything I had and a million sorrys if this post exploded on ur dash i wish I could turn off my stupid sports rpf brain#but I can’t ❤️#wishing every happiness to the two of them tho they’re my babiest girls frfr#nik's rants
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dug up some old Nightmare art from 2 years ago
#nearly 3 years actually for the first couple... damn#i still love a lot of these#especially the ones on the bottom??? younger me was cooking#also was into Nightkiller and Errormare for a while lmao#i am not above bringing that restaurant au back that plot has stuck with me for ages i just never wrote the fic#also been putting nightmare in dresses since i started drawing him#not much but its honest work#my art#<- from a while back lmao#now he's paler and got eyelashes because fuck the rules we make him pretty here
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I was thinking... It seems to me that you mostly like the post-canon character states of Jayce and Viktor? I think you like the more confident and self-aware post-trauma Jayce (when he is present) and the more insecure Viktor, or... As if he has an enormous guilt to overcome.
Will there ever be something more naive from you with their more naive, hopeful and yearning versions?
Coming home (but not to you)
(also, i do have something planned for after my medieval au if the hyperfixation is strong enough and the fandom doesn't tire me out)
update im adding to this because i cant stop thinking about it do people find my coming home jayce... confident? i was very much going for an 'i'm sorry for my migraines' and 'when I'm in the airport in the security I think I magically have a gun' kind of vibe KDLFJHSDkl
also said this in the tags but season 2 didn't even start coming out until chapter 11 the full thing wasn't out until chapter 12 so if they came off post canon inspired that is very unintentional DKJFHSLDFj
#DSKFJHSDFKLJDSF#i also think viktor has much layered insecurities throughout arcane he's not the cool suave guy the fanom pretends he is#but coming home is definetly not representative of them post canon as season 2 didnt come out until after chapter 10#jayce in coming home though boy oh boy that is naive jayce#granted at the end of coming home i think they become very different than who they are on the show#this is intentional#as i feel they learn to develop something very beautiful#i also definetly wrote them as a bit different and more innocent than themselves throughout#as i felt there were ways that the modern world would soften them a bit#so i am surprised to hear this#granted. jayce in coming home does have a big burden of guilt#but id still say i based them on their season 1 selves as i did not have season 2 to go on#idk does that make sense?#i guess you're right in the sense that the other 2 i wrote are post-canon states by design#but by word count alone DKFLJSD#idk though this jayce in my medieval au is more hardened primairly because he's a knight and has seen way more death (and caused it)#but he still has his moments#literally first chapter he tries to hold viktors hand while high on pain medicine and his mom has to tell him to stop#hes not gonna be like.#completely devoid of his yearning traits#in fact id say the yearning for jayce in this one is very very intense#very i want to swear my oaths to YOU kind of thing#idk in coming home i dont find present jayce self aware especially at the start#he BECOMEs self aware but id stay he starts out quite in denial/silly/immature#sorry if this was sassy KDJFHSDKLFj#i just thought huh wow no i very much wrote coming home before there was any post canon to speak of#also jayce in coming home was NOTTTTT supposed to be confident lmfao so if thats the common perception that is very on me#in this medieval AU viktor's deal is pretty different im focusing on different aspects of his character#even with the mass amount of guilt and grief he comes off very witty and confident on the surface and its only through jayce being#obeservational that those walls begin to crumble
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Irondad fic ideas #134
Fic where everything in the current MCU has happened
...for Peter.
In fact, Mysterio captured Peter right after Endgame. Everything that happened since -- Europe, his identity, May -- has been an illusion.
Mysterio even altered Peter's memory of the battle against Thanos to torture him. He doesn't remember the rush to get Tony to a hospital. He doesn't remember being kidnapped. He believes Tony died on the battlefield
Which is why, when he's suddenly in a cell and Iron Man bursts in, frantic and alive, Peter has a hard time telling what's real.
#irondad fic ideas#peter parker#tony stark#irondad and spiderson#iron dad and spider son#nwh fix it#whole mcu fix it tbh#why was it badly written? because MYSTERIO wrote it#no wonder there's so much peter whump#solved it!#we're good everybody! the mystery has been solved!#let's all go home now#especially peter parker#queueueueue#weekly reminder that i love you all but am too busy to be human :)#fic ideas still postponed but you can send asks if you want i just won't see them for a while#see announcements
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I don't know what's going on with you friend but I hope you're doing alright and having good days :) saw your recent post tags. I feel like I sorta understand some of why you like these gay scientists so much now. Fiddleford love forever
yayyy I'm glad you've noticed HHSDHHD. they're both a very strong comfort for me. fords situation definitely put a lot of things into perspective in regards to my past. it's a little embarrassing to say he kick started my recovery because he's a cartoon character, but I don't think that really matters so much. People are all so different that even the smallest things mean a lot to certain individuals.
#I'm experiencing some large swings in emotion. especially after the book came out. I have not read it in its entirety yet but#reading my own journals is sort of like. mentally preparing myself for whatever Alex wrote in that damn thing lol#because I've heard it's a Lot. especially for someone who's been through abuse.#ford means a lot to me so I will read it at some point. I just have to be ready for it#ask
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comparing dialogue once again as you do. anyway. this cut dialogue from the other games ending vs the the 2011/ultra deluxe final game dialogue is interesting. frying my mind a bit.
no deeper meaning to this post i just think it is. intriguing. i love dialogue comparisons sorry </3
#the stanley parable#in the 2013/hd remix he just says nothing when you go in the hole#and tbh i kinda wish they would have kept the cut dialogue. but i also do prefer the 2011/ultra deluxe dialogue better.#but this cut dialogue in the 2013 other games ending would have been a rlly cool display of the narrator's inner conflict#especially with how harsh he is in these endings specifically#but i do realize i am. reaching a bit with that conclusion. so i am halting those thoughts for now lmao.#sorry this is just one of my fav bits of dialogue i think. or one i fixate on a lot#i literally wrote up a whole fic idea for it. maybe one day ill return to it.#I do think I prefer the dialogue we ended up with just because it still carries that confliction he has#like he’s startled then backpeddals on how he was acting before returning to that ‘you can’t do this without me’ spiel again#LIKE I DONT KNOW HOW MUCH SENSE I AM MAKING BUT LIKE. ITS JUST GOOD DIALOGUE IS WHAT IM SAYING.#but both. both are good. I do like what we got and I do enjoy what could have been. both are so so intriguing to me#crow thoughts#tsp analysis tag
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CORRECT TAGS‼️‼️‼️‼️ @rn0na-lizard you are so so so correct….. my favorite ‘Normal Girl’ in hmds…….i almost never see anyone talk about these aspects of her let alone also love her for them as they should.
i feel like Leona/ DS lumina gets mischaracterized super often which is understandable bc out of all the DS candidates leona is the least like her ancestor (who i also love, for different reasons).
in AWL lumina was the only kid in the valley for a very long time, but many of the DS residents have lived in the valley their whole lives. while lumina had accepted her role as a proper young heiress by chapter 3 of AWL— and when DS begins Leona already at this point of her life— lumina still had a lingering sense of uncertainty and angst and loneliness and doubt, and unresolved worries about her parents. absolutely none of this is present with leona
in this world leona starts with Lumina’s 22 year old appearance, she’s just rich as hell and living her best life (as she deserves), she’s unabashedly shallow, puts herself first always, speaks so politely and affably yet she can be so casually cruel in the most genuine cute way and out of touch with reality and and i fucking love her and i’d die for her. my beloved girlboss girlkeep girlypop
more iconic Leona Moments
when muu/muffy asks for beauty advice leona’s recommendation is “this brand of mail order beauty cream is simply divine! and it was quite inexpensive too, just 100,000 G 🥰” everyone else looks uncomfortable and muu is like “you’re as frivolous as always….”
aside from the 3 who take literally half your money (Witch💖, moi, and thomas) leona and panama (romana) take the most money from you if they carry you home when you faint. just a couple of girl bosses holding on to their girlpire (btw shout out to sebastian, the only resident in the entire valley who carries you home for free)
neither panama nor leona attend the harvest festival, they send sebastian there by himself to test the food first lmao (if you poison it like the witch they’re harboring on their property requires you to do, sebastian is just like “i can’t serve this to Mistress Panama…”)
once again sebastian attacks mukumuku for her sake, this time not to make her a paintbrush but she told him to get her the best slippers and this was apparently the easiest way. sebastian gets fucking mauled btw
leona has hands down the best romance route in hmds. all her scenes are incredible but god the slow burn friends to lovers with your DVD player….
in her purple heart event she shows up at your house because she heard you have a DVD player, asks you to show her how it works, and then just leaves after she’s done playing with it
in her yellow heart event she has sebastian fetch van so she can buy a DVD player for herself but van’s like “i’m so sorry …. Pete… bought the last one….”
leona is so unable to stomach the idea of other people having things she doesn’t that she starts to cry and the only way to placate her is to tell her she can go to your house anytime she wants just so she can use your DVD player. that’s not a setup to a budding romance that’s her final heart event
it’s the most incredible romance arc in the world like girl you have infinite money you can just. buy a DVD player somewhere else?? “i want to watch DVDs at my house just like you!” leona you have three entire bedrooms
“rich girl love interest who has everything except love, win her heart by having genuine conversation with her”: done to death, tired, i don’t have time for that
“rich girl love interest who has everything except a fucking DVD player, win her heart by giving her expensive stuff and ‘relax tea’ and access to your DVD player”: audacious, intriguing, never been done before, innovative
if you deny her god-given right to access your DVD player she is like “Is that so……………Just let me be alone for a little bit.” incredible tragedy i understand. take as much time as you need to grieve darling
oh but her first heart event asks you to pick a side in an argument she’s having with panama and the correct answer is to say “sebastian is the one who’s wrong” (sebastian has said nothing wrong this whole time and yet both of them have just been yelling at him to shut up)
and her blue heart event is “help me find this heirloom necklace… boohoo…” and when you find it she’s like “perfect! now grandma won’t get mad at me. hmm, you seem pretty dependable…♡” augh she’s way too good at this…….!!! i’ll do anything for you!
when you propose she says “of course, i always dreamed of having a romance and a wedding♡” and says nothing abt how she feels about you <3
also if you marry her, once a week she goes to hang out at her ex love interest’s place for 6 hours straight and comes home saying “whew… i had so much fun that i must have lost track of time… i’ll hurry on home”
if you marry another girl she starts flirting with you like “I’m so envious of your wife, having such a fine husband… Pete.” (or whatever your name is)
i’ve become obsessed with her and romeo’s horrible trainwreck soap opera marriage since replaying cute in jp… it’s SO… i have so much to say about them that it should be its own post but i’ll just give the cliffnotes
shotgun wedding vibes. romeo is surprised by his own wedding. they’re childhood friends but he himself has never considered marrying her. her words to him at their wedding are “Make me happy♡” (command)
she understandably can’t stand his terrible table manners or his clothes or anything about him (except that she wants to watch him surf and have his child. but he instead walks in circles all day. coward) and he’s both really good at accidentally stepping on landmines and just ever so slightly majorly terrified of her after marriage (“but surely her angry outbursts are just her way of showing love hahahahaha” you’re going to die. she’s going to kill you). the only positive things they say about their marriage are extremely shallow. they can’t communicate with each other because romeo always says the Dumbest Shit obliviously and leona always responds by cutting him out of her life forever!!!!!! (for 5 seconds) while he has no idea what happened
they are both so melodramatic and they both just do nothing except make each other worse and run away from each other and push each other away but they can’t escape each other. neither of them ever has to grow or change if they marry each other because an elderly overworked man is sustaining both of their existences and neither of them can take care of themselves and i love them your honor
also romeo’s first crush as a kid was apparently her mom, and if leona falls for YOU she flirts by mentioning that sebastian says you look like the spitting image of her dead father. dear fucking god
they’re the epitome of “You're both just enabling each other's mental illnesses. You're both perfect for each other. Never change. Just never involve anybody else in what you've got going on.”
romeo really does feel like her stupid lackey. like the karen to her regina. they even had this dynamic in the games they played as kids… she was the Harvest Goddess and he was Servant A/Minion A (they might still be playing this game as adults…he calls her lady/mistress sometimes after marriage…)
btw leona’s best friend (wife) marivia is also just as… there’s an event where they just gossip about all the mineral town ppl and marivia says ann would win a gluttony contest and they both giggle
there’s also an event where marivia casually walks into Witch’s hut and just interviews her so she can write her into a novel. witch is left completely drained by this exchange. leona and marivia both are so chill about the horrible cruel villainess living in leona’s shed who wants the town poisoned and rewards you for killing animals and hurting yourself and is putting curses on everyone (and they’re right. she’s never done anything wrong in her life)
#i also feel like leona and marivia summoned Witch (just girlypop things summoning hot evil ladies from hell)#i’m a marivia x leona x witch truther. the evidence is out there. evil yuri triad (real)#i also love to believe that witch is fucking with all the rival couples in the valley but ESPECIALLY romeo x leona#since she’s petty about her crush (leona) choosing the village idiot of all people#she can’t affect gustafa and nami because gustafa is like a garden gnome type that wards away evil#leona would make coquette edits of phantom skye/steiner#man i really have a lot of overlapping ships but i just like thinking about everyone together in some way#marivia was interviewing witch for a girls love leona x witch sequel in that series she wrote that has the main character based on leona#(this was revealed to me in a dream)#bokumono#harvest moon ds#hmds#harvest moon#story of seasons#hmds leona#hmds lumina#i’m sorry for going ham about your tags i promise i’m normal#^_−☆#hmds cute#i feel like everyone collectively forgot what hmds was like which is understandable because it’s a fever dream#or maybe we misremembered it from our childhoods#but replaying the girl and boy versions in english and japanese has really refreshed my views on the characters#i have so much to say about everyone mostly the rival couples#love the dysfunction and bad vibes in this game#poisoned water supply type of townsfolk#girls hour (meet up in the mines to beat each other up and slaughter various animals and humanoids to eat)#it’s such an evil game#haunted by natsume malware ghosts
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The wrestling world is held together by three very powerful entities and they are
Ambrollins (the father)
Zowens (the son)
Golden Lovers (the Holy Spirit)
#i could've put the entire of the shield ambrellins there yeah but seth is the one after 5 years who cant stop thinking about mox#anyway dont ask me why i wrote this i just miss them all#especially seth and mox!!! wwe share your wrestler and let seth go to aew for jjst a few monts#also missing kenny and kota because lately i thought it would be a good idea to rewatch their romance#wwe#seth rollins#aew#jon moxley#ambrollins#kenny omega#kota ibushi#golden lovers#sami zayn#kevin owens
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lesbian masterdoc and the unforgivable damage of making people hear compulsory heterosexuality and think of "can lesbians have crushes on men?" (no) instead of "are heterosexual women settling in unhappy marriages with men bellow their worth because of economic and social pressure?" (yes)
#not claiming the theory was without flaws but it sure didn't describe some virus mental affliction that exclusively plagues lesbians#for starters the theory was primarily about marriage. so it did recognise the historical fact of lesbians forced into marriage to avoid#honor killings and the still present possibility and threats especially when it comes to cults and strong religions#(once again mentioning as a Jeová's witness in a brazilian periphery my girlfriend accepted the tool of losing her entire family and social#circles to reject an arranged marriage at the age of 17. and she's bisexual. but THAT is what compulsory heterosexuality alludes to)#but more often than not when it addressed lesbians it was as the inherent threat they pose to heteropatriarchy#that they mere existence proved women were not all born to serve men. and that their lives often proved women are much happier and#accomplished when away from the burden of men.#and this acknowledging just how much loneliness was a reality through lesbian's experiences#at the same time I can understand the frustration of that feminist theory being reduced to 'comphet is when lesbians in high school were#pressured into picking one of the Backstreet Boys to lie about finding attractive'. and even more so when that non universal and much less#serious example somehow morphed into 'comphet is when bisexual women either lying or confused about being lesbians have sex with men and#find it unfulfilling' because accepting that narrative erases and harms lesbians#so I understand the 'comphet isn't real' posts especially because written like that it tends to refer to lesbian masterdoc and following#fiasco. but at the same time that wasn't the original intent of compulsory heterosexuality the actual feminist term#this is just me complaining about how social media butchers theory tho unless they are specifically naming Rich and the many other feminist#who wrote about heterosexual marriage as an institution I won't bother lesbians for venting frustration about neoliberal erasure of lesbian#the original theory sure didn't claim lesbians were immune to all this misogynistic violence but the term was never exclusively about them#and tended to ask more of 'where do we stand as women and feminists as a group much more interested in destroying heterosexual marriage than#simply making it more bearable?'#this got a little messy and senseless I'm tired#.txt
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Both my parents actually suffer from HORRID emotional dysregulation and are prone to snapping and going into rages. My sister is the same way tbh. I am now realizing this is why they are constantly baffled by the question of whether or not I am mad at them.
I don't have external meltdowns.
I could. I don't let it happen.
I keep my rage on the inside and stay pretty quiet about it. It's just as strong as theirs [physically shaking nose bleed from high blood pressure kind of bad], but like as a kid I saw how terrifying it was to be around [dad breaking dishes, mom putting our lawn chairs into walls] and I just internalized that I wasn't going to wear that anger on the outside.
So my mother genuinely cannot tell if I am just being quiet or if I am silently hearing the dial-up noises of pure rage. This has lead her to both making strong and confident statements like "You are a pacifist who would never hurt a fly U.U" but also acting like I am secretly dangerous maybe... It's because she has never seen me snap.
She knows what her temper is like [throwing chairs through walls], she knows what my father's temper is like [pick up child and toss out door], and she can tell I am being tested, but she doesn't know what happens when I snap or where that breaking point is.
Her -perhaps unhinged- solution to this, my whole life, has been to do things that should obviously enrage me or shut me down completely, like ignoring important boundaries, repeatedly, punishing me for expressing emotions or needs at all, etc... And then to constantly ask me if I am angry with her when I get too quiet [right after near directly telling me to shut up].
It has occurred to me now, they have never once seen me lose my temper, so they literally just can't tell if I am angry at them. My sister is easy, my mother fights and screams with my sister constantly, my mother understands this. My mother doesn't have any grasp of feelings or boundaries that are not screamed at her [apparently, and I fear my sister is the same way]. Her and my sister are close despite constant fucking fighting because they understand each other.
They are trying to get me to engage the same way and it is not working. I realize now that this has been hard for them.
I was so successfully taught to suppress my emotions, by being punished for any outburst, that rage quiet looks the same as any other kind of quiet from the outside. To them anyway.
I did tell her. For the record. I used my words. I did tell her very calmly that my response to rage, in order to avoid doing the things that terrified me as a child, was to simply leave [the autistic urge to GTFO]. When a situation or person causes too much of the dial-up rage noise, I simply extract myself from that situation, up to and including never speaking to a person again. I explained this calmly. I explained it calmly 100 times and I explained that I explain myself calmly as my rage response 1-5 [also pretty much every other negative emotion tbh], and I told her that what came next was me simply opting out and fucking off. I told her this. I couldn't understand why she never took me seriously, or why she never fucking understood.
I couldn't understand what made her like this.
But it's the same problem I have with everyone else multiplied by a factor of 10.
If I am explaining myself calmly, they can't understand that it's actually serious or that I am actually upset. ESPECIALLY because they read me as "female" and women "aren't that rational" so if I am not screaming and crying about something, which I never do, people assume I can't be upset and it isn't serious.
And then after having my boundaries ignored too many times despite having calmly explained how and why it's a problem [shaking inside or not]... I leave. I leave and everyone gets upset like this is unexpected behaviour, even though I told them 50 times that is how I would respond if they kept doing *the thing.*
And for neurotypical people especially, they are expecting there to be a disconnect between what someone says they need or feel and what their actually boundaries and feelings are, and they expect the latter to be demonstrated with emotions. Telling them bluntly you do not function that way somehow never helps?
My mother isn't just looking for normal yelling or a few tears to know I am serious, whether or not I do those either [I don't], she's looking for an explosion to know there's a problem at all.
Fucked if I know how she proceeds through life this way in general or if this is just her expectation of her own kids???
And I couldn't get why my mother couldn't read my emotions and didn't seem to think I have any. It's because she's testing for the rage limit to see where my 'actual' limit is instead of taking my word for it. Never the fuck mind that she could simply *not* test at my boundaries instead of letting me have them. Separate issue.
I couldn't figure out what made her *like this*
She's expecting me to throw a giant meltdown violent tantrum at people when I have 'actually' had enough. Maybe she got away with those being like 5'4" in another time, but I am the size of the average man, I do not get to have giant screaming rages, whether or not people perceive me consciously as a woman, and least of all because a lot of people -at least unconsciously- read me as 'masculine' or at least always "they guy" of the situation compared to all other women and some men [bigger stronger and more rational, more able to just absorb the damage and let it go so the less rational screaming/crying one doesn't have to be dealt with]. Even if it was in me to be willing to terrify people [usually never], there are such limited instances where it wouldn't just blow back on me. Potentially very dangerously.
I am going to be the quiet calm one. You are going to have to let me use my words, bitch.
So she kept ignoring my boundaries until I had to cut her out of my life, and she probably doesn't understand and probably thinks it feels sudden -after 36 long years of bullshit- abrupt and unfair.
But I told her hundreds of times.
I probably should have just screamed at her.
#good stay out of our yard' and he didn't seem to know what to say to that#but other than that I don't think anyone in my adult life has ever seen me turn aggressive at all to the point where people 100% like to#play games of testing my patience and my boundaries because they think my tolerance is infinite#but like I have autistic rage tantrums on both sides of my family and they are just happening inside my head#And somehow it took me until now to realize that being that way was actually -expected- of me by my parents and especially my mother#and that by keeping myself outwardly level headed to be considerate I actually took away whatever signals she can understand#to have empathy for how I must be feeling#I mean it's still all on her#but it makes so much sense of why she's fucking *like this*#And why my sister thinks I hate her just because -she- stopped texting -me-#but that fucking guy#Every time I was like#In my adult life I have screamed at someone ONE whole time and it was 1000% deserved#And I threw heavy objects around one whole other time and in my defense I didn't do it in front of the guy he just felt the ground shaking#heard the thuds and came back to the logs blocking his path because that fucker wouldn't stop parking in our yard after being asked#and then TOLD not to about 10 times because he was acting entitled to just park in our yard and was crushing my plants???#seriously I don't know what his deal was but he wouldn't stop telling me how much the ground shaking scared him like it was supposed#to get my pity like I think this guy took one look at the logs I had just tossed down and was suddenly afraid of this “woman” he was#bullying in their own yard and so my ability to feel bad for scaring him had gone straight out the fucking window#I looked at him and said stop parking in our yard instead of your own you are killing my plants#he'd just fucking be like 'well the last people to live here let us D: :)“ and I'd be like ”good for them?“ ”stop“#and he'd just keep doing it#I was having a week of insomnia and was finally having the best dream#the kind of sex dream you have like twice in your life#and this fucker had just gotten some noisy ass little bike with a spoiler on it#and starts it up right under my window at 3am from IN OUR FUCKING YARD#so I had a nice long anger nap and just after he got home from work and was sleeping in his house#I picked up these chunks of deadwood tree from the back#there was like 3-4 logs that used to be a WHOLEASS fucking oak tree Like these logs were not as heavy as they -looked- but they were still#this fucker deleted half the tags I wrote and I am not retyping that fuck you tumblr so fucking hard
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I don't believe liking immoral and downright evil characters says anything about you as a person, but I think acting like this definitely does.
"The HH fanbase will defend Valentinoto the moon and back" this and "Val is praised by a majority of the fandom" that, except said majority of the fandom fucking HATES that moth and fans have been harassed, had their art scribbled on to "fix" it, repeatedly called "rapist apologists" and "abuse romanticisers", get questioned or accused about condoning him irl, received graphic death/rape threats and are in general mistreated by the fandom. A Val cosplayer was mistreated and had a gun pulled on them IN REAL LIFE not even a year ago. Even the VA got repeatedly asked or assumed to be like the character he plays because "why else would he want to voice a rapist??" and told they deserve for choosing that role (fucking WILD btw). People that like Valentino as a character are the minority of the fandom, and even there NO ONE defends him. We all realise he's a disgusting individual whose actions shouldn't be defended in any capacity. What kinda bullshit lie is that?
I'm also in the Mouthwashing fandom, and it too has a bunch of issues. Infantilising Curly and minimising his actions, making Swansea to be better than he actually is and ignoring that he knew of the SA, people still debating or not realising that Jimmy raped Anya in the first place, shipping Jimmy and Curly (which isn't even a bad thing or a real problem but this person would see it that way), ect. But sure, conveniently don't bring that up. Anything for the Hazbin Hotel hate, right 💀
These next comments especially piss me off (nevermind how they're talking about an abuse survivor which is gross already). This might be a hot take and I don't care if that's the case, but I think people refusing to call Jimmy by name and excluding him from the cast is not show of a "good" fandom, actually. Jimmy has a lot more to him besides being a rapist. Rape culture, toxic masculinity, capitalistic exploitation, misogyny, male dominance-- there's sooo much more to explore and discuss about his character besides him being a rapist. And he's an incredibly disturbing character in a fucking horror game. If you can only refer to him by some stupid nickname (which takes away the seriousness of his character imo), ignore the significance of his role and themes in the story and the rest of his character and reduce him to a single trait that's BAD. That's not a good thing, and in fact, probably makes you worse than the people that do like his character because they can at least separate fiction and reality and not scrap well written disturbing characters for the sake of "comfort" or moral standing (again, in a horror game of all things). People shouldn't feel bad for liking Jimmy because he's a very good character, and ignoring that completely and acting like there aren't people who could like him... kinda sucks?
Moving over, Valentino is not and has NEVER been portrayed in a positive light in the show. I can't wrap my head around people that genuinely think that. Whenever I hear people say that the arguments I always see are "he shouldn't be attractive" and "he's just a cartoon villain" and "he acts silly and quirky even tho he's a rapist" among other things, and I don't think these people realise they're spouting eugenics bullshit and demonstrating that they don't know anything about his character simultaneously. No, Valentino isn't a "positive" portrayal of a rapist because he's attractive (way to tie morality to appearance btw). No, Valentino isn't a positive portrayal of a rapist because he acts goofy and funny and silly. Those traits are intentional and important to his character. Val is the Overlord of lust and depravity, hell's most famous pimp. His beauty is how he lures in unsuspecting sinners, and his personality is how he gains their trust and gets them to sell their souls for him to exploit (notice how Angel signed his soul away willingly). He's supposed to be appealing. He's supposed to be charming. He's entire persona is meant to be disarming. If he were like Jimmy or just a one-note unlikeable guy, his position in the show and his relationships with the characters wouldn't make sense, so he isn't. That doesn't make him a more positive portrayal or anything, it just means he's more fleshed out and written more complex than you want him to be. He's a very real depiction of an abuser, of their two-faced nature and how being attractive and charming to others doesn't make you less of an abusive monster to someone else. For context, I have been abused by someone extremely similar to Val, so his depiction feels very real to me and it's extremely tiring seeing a bunch of assholes who have probably not even seen the show or have been abused act like he's "romanticised" or "unrealistic" or "bad" simply because he was written by Vivziepop (who's ALSO an SA survivor like what is wrong with you 💀).
This is a broader point and not entirely related to this specific case, but we don't give people shit like this over people liking murderers and serial killers-- acting like all a sudden liking a rapist character says something negative about their writing or about the people that like them is INCREDIBLY stupid. People don't talk like this about Alastor and Vox-- who are both VERY despicable people. Both of them are also abusers among other horrible things, but they're not (or at least Alastor isn't) rapists so they're "not as bad". This is a sentiment I see all the time in both the fandom and hatedom whenever Valentino discourse comes back up, and this line of logic that rapists are a unique evil that can't be liked as characters in fiction but murderers and cannibals and serial killers are totally Ok is so dangerous and backwards. Liking evil characters says nothing about you as a person aside from the fact that you're a freak in the fun way. Liking evil characters but then going after others who do as well because you consider their character "too evil" and watering down the crimes of yours to justify liking them says a lot about you tho. Saying that the characters you like says something negative you in general does too.
We seriously need to stop bringing morality into fiction and saying that "normal" people wouldn't like certain immoral characters. We need to stop ostracising people for their "problematic" ships, proudly brag about ostracising them and justify it by calling them "weirdos". We need to stop saying villains are "badly written" because they're not written how YOU want them to be written, regardless of whether or not that opinion is valid (which in this case it isn't). We need to stop putting fandoms in some weird competition with each other about how characters are written and spit on people who actually enjoy them, are comforted by them or felt seen by them (gestures at the whole Angel dust situation barely a week ago). And honestly we need to stop giving attention to people like this, who spread a false narrative and kick others down for being fans of a media they don't like or know squat about for whatever reason. Who spread lies about the media or fandom in question in way that's blatantly in bad faith.
This crappy post is sitting a 17k while I'm typing this. The way people can just say ANYTHING about Hazbin Hotel and its fandom-- doesn't matter if it's valid or true or if they watched the show or know anything about the fandom at all, it just has to be negative-- and others will eat it up no questions asked needs to be studied at this point. We saw that in the months the show first aired. We saw that with the Angel Dust video. We're seeing this again here. I don't think we should be harassing anybody over fiction and in general (and needless to say don't harass any of these people) but calling out bad actors who pull shit like this more often and making it uncool to shittalk Hazbin Hotel and its fandom (and any fandom from unapologetically dark media where the people deal with enough bullshit already) for no reason and in bad faith is a change I'd be down with. Like, wash your mouth of its name and disappear into the shadow realm, goddamnit.
#hazbin hotel#mouthwashing#hazbin hotel valentino#jimmy mouthwashing#hazbin hotel angel dust#fandom discourse#fandom discussion#head in my fucking hands#on that note this is the straw that breaks the camel's back for me i'm going private and then on a blocking spree again#i'm so sick of seeing these people whenever their posts blow up like go away and stay gone#“hh fans defend val” “angel dust is bad rep” “the rape is just a fetish” shut the FUCK up oh my god just shut up all of you 💀#i'm so sick and tired of seeing that all the time if you can't fucking read for shit then say so stop making stuff up#i'm sorry for being so harsh kinda but i've seen 1000 too many people repeating that stupid drivel#what upsets me even more is that almost every val fan i've encountered is an abuse survivor themselves and they already treated so horribly#so seeing people who aren't even in the fandom lie that they “defend” his actions and making it easier to be shitty to them is... uggggghhh#ugh it's so gross and i hate how people just agree with them because it's hazbin hotel specifically like uugghh#i woke up to this my page and my tired ass felt petty enough to write this down as a response cuz actually fuck that noise#especially seeing the comments on that post like god i know i should love my neighbour but said neighbours are making it so difficult#does any of this even make sense i wrote this on the fly without planning it beforehand#whatever i'm really tired so pardon any grammar mistake i'll get them later maybe#momento rambles
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bare your teeth, blunt as they may be
Pairing: F!Detective/F!Li-Sar and F!Detective/Adam du Mortain Word Count: 5,5k Warnings: Angst, Lots of sexual tension and descriptions of violence (but those are pretty tame, nothing graphic) Tags: @agentnatesewell @ava-du-mortain (you haven't asked but I know you've been waiting for this lol). Let me know if you want to be tagged in future fics! Authors Note: I am done at last! I rewrote and edited this thing so much, I just had to stop at some point. I haven't settled on how Li-Sar looks so there isn't a whole lot of detailed description on her appearance (or her outfit; I'm so sorry but I cannot write her in what she's wearing in the books and I couldn't decide on another one for her), but Zuri is still pretty descriptive of her if I do say so myself. Also on a03!
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The forest floor tastes like ash. Dry against her cheek, dry as her throat. She lands face first on the cracks of a former cage.
Zuri coughs, palms against the barren forest floor, arms shaking as she pushes herself up. Only her upper body makes it off the ground. She can't muffle the groan that escapes her lips. There's too much aching. In her limbs from blocking attacks, in her torso for taking one too many. Her knuckles, the side of her face, bruised. Her bottom lip, stinging, probably busted. Blood trickles down her chin and leaves a tangy taste in her mouth. She blinks and blinks and blinks the blurry vision away.
The hairs on the back of her neck stand at attention. The air is tinged with her magic - the same magic buzzing through her and flaring out of her in sparks. She's getting closer.
“Have I truly hurt you so, mortal?” She coos, her voice silky smooth from behind her. Zuri scrambles forward, trying to move her legs despite them feeling as heavy as cinder blocks. Li-Sar's tone shifts to something sharp with the promise of violence as she continues, “or is there another pathetic human being I need to rid this world of for you?”
Zuri slowly turns her head, eyes trailing up the length of her body before meeting her gaze and whimpering. Let her think it's over. Let her think she's done fighting-
Then kick.
Her foot strikes her in the calf. Li-Sar grunts, leg buckling slightly only because of how often she's been kicked there. She locks her foot around her ankle and the same leg crumbles to the ground. Dirt flies into the air when Li-Sar's forearms meet the floor. She manages to hold her weight on one arm long enough to reach for her gun. Aims it at her and-
“Come now.”
A hand hits her wrist, bats it away. It flies out of reach, accompanied by a dry laugh that's soon muffled by the ringing of a stray gunshot. It's hard enough to put Zuri on her back.
Li-Sar's head is framed with trees from her position above her. She's straddling her, thighs on either side of her, an arm pressing tight against her neck while the other wrestles away the hand reaching and clawing for her face. It's eventually pinned to the ground.
The ringing in her ears and hard landing disorients her enough for any move she makes to be sloppy, but not enough to drown out her next words. “You know that won't work on me.”
Her clothes cling to her body, crackling with static and suddenly she's off the ground. In the air. The world spins. Her back slams against something rough and flaky - a tree - and she wheezes in Li-Sar's grasp.
She shakes her head and tuts as she looks over her. She loosens her grip on her blazer, moving one hand up to Zuri's face, cupping her jaw and moving her head this way and that in inspection. Zuri feels more than hears herself protesting, her lip stinging as she says…something and squeezes her eyes shut so she doesn't have to watch her surroundings spin and droop in front of her.
Another coo. A thumb rubbing against her chin, blood smearing against her skin, het voice clear as the ringing fades away. “This isn't quite the mess I wanted to make of you, meor'dal.”
Zuri tries to focus on her breathing, ragged as it is, and opens her eyes to watch the trees that aren't obscured by the curls of her hair slowly come to a standstill. Anything but the sound of her voice or the feeling of her fingers on her skin. The way both imbed themselves into her mind.
“Listen, Li-Sar,” she rasps.
“Oh, my name sounds so sweet on your lips. Talk to me, I will listen to every word.” She brings her thumb to her mouth and sucks gently, her eyes flashing a bright white as she licks the blood off.
Her throat is still dry as she swallows and heat gathers in her cheeks. Why must she be so- God, this is ridiculous.
“You-” Zuri stammers, shying away from her gaze with an ahem before continuing. “It was stupid of them to come here and think they could take you on. Trappers are notorious for getting in over their heads.”
“So that's what those humans are? Trappers?” She scoffs. “A name fitting for those who foolishly throw themselves into a trap.”
“Right,” she meets her eyes again, watching carefully for a change in demeanour. She may not know what they're called, but she knew enough to draw them to her. Easy targets.
“We just came to get them away from here, take them in and figure out a motive.”
She wants to believe that they didn't intend to actually try and capture her - a being so powerful that her prison was interdimensional purgatory. She really does. But maybe years of eating dirt while fighting agents made them lose brain cells. That, or whoever orders them around found out about Sin and got cocky, thinking that they too could have a powerful, centuries old supernatural do their bidding. Whatever it is, it's ridiculous. So much so that the Agency sent her and the rest of Unit Bravo here to protect them from her - neutralise them and prevent as many deaths as possible.
Mostly so they don't have to play clean up. At least, that's what Morgan thinks.
They arrived while the Trappers were still alive and breathing and following hare-brained orders. They were standing around Li-Sar in a loose circle; she was watching them with a smirk and playing with the electricity dancing around her fingers. Probably pleased that her practice dummies delivered themselves to her. They started advancing slowly - at least they had enough brain cells to be afraid - and all she did in response was chuckle. The calm before the storm. She could and would wipe them out in seconds.
Zuri entered the scene with her hands raised. The powers had settled enough for them to not instantly open fire on people, especially when she remains calm. So with deep, calculated breaths, she used them to appear placating and harmless as she talked Li-Sar out of engaging them.
They aren't worth it, they wouldn't even be able to put up a good fight.
What do you suggest I do then, mortal?
Let me and my friends handle them. We'll get them out of your hair. It'll be more entertaining if nothing else. You could also catch a glimpse of that potential you're so interested in.
You and the vampiir in the shadows are…friends? You are full of surprises, aren't you? Fine then. Show me what you can do.
With a bright flash, she disappeared.
With her gone and the sun having sunk behind the trees, Unit Bravo was as strong as they could be while having Zuri in the vicinity. She may not be the sun or a centuries old deity, but the solar powers inside her were enough to prevent them from functioning at full strength. Not that it would be needed against a bunch of flighty, spooked Trappers.
It was a quick fight. Mission accomplished. It ultimately went well. Until it didn't.
One of them got up and tried to swing at her from behind. She saw the man in her periphery, lowered herself into a defensive stance. There wasn't enough time to dodge, but she could take him.
But not faster than Adam rushed forward to tackle him.
But he wasn't faster than Li-Sar, who appeared out of thin air and struck him down with a bolt of lightning.
He died on impact. Burnt to a crisp.
She missed Adam by a hair.
The air was heavy with tension and fear. Magic and blood. And she choked on it, too thick in her lungs as she gasped.
He could've been killed too.
It didn't take much to convince the vampires to stay back and for Li-Sar to join her somewhere more private - maybe even nostalgic for her - but she knows they aren't far. After what happened during their first encounter, they weren't going to leave the two of them alone for long.
She needs to be quick.
“But we can't exactly question someone who isn't alive,” she can still feel his blood on her side, can hear how it splattered against bark and damp grass. The way his body fell to the ground, joining the others that were groaning on the ground with a stillness that only comes after a heart stops beating.
Her own hammered in her chest.
“...why?” She asks, quietly, hoping for a good reason, knowing she won't get one.
“Why?” Li-Sar stares her down with a raised brow as if the question couldn't be more ridiculous. Like questioning her at all was even more so.
Louder this time, with anger rumbling beneath a layer of fear and frustration. “After thousands of years, you're free. And the first thing you want to do is kill some random group of humans!? Why?”
“They led themselves to their deathbeds the moment they thought they could have any control over me,” she snarls, the stare souring into a glare. “They are worth less than the dirt beneath our feet. Pests, at best. And I will not let a pest touch what is mine.”
Her jaw clenches, blood boiling, sparks flying off her fingers. God, she can't take anymore of this. Of people staking claim of her, believing she'll bend to their will or will be their tool to use for whatever they want to gain. Something ugly and destructive stirs within her, all sharp teeth and claws and molten heat, rearing its head after laying low for months and being smothered by fear and sadness.
She returns the glare and digs her nails into her wrists, drawing out a hiss. Electricity flares between them, vibrant streaks of blue where her palms meet her skin.
“And what,” she speaks through clenched teeth, her voice low and hackles raised, “makes you think any part of me is yours.”
Li-Sar's hands glitch out of her grip before she slams her against the tree again. Hard enough for the breath to be knocked out of her lungs. Her body is heavy against hers, forcing her gasps for air to be shallow, her tender ribs screaming as the bark pricks at her back. A hand grabs her wrists and pins them above her head.
“Is the power surging through you not my own? Is our bond not what allows you to wield it?
She doesn't answer. She can't. Nothing she says can change what happened to her. That another supernatural tried to use her, that their will was imposed on her again. That her blood has been the catalyst for all of it. And everyone wants to drain her dry.
Fuck Ostin. And fuck every power-hungry asshole out there.
Zuri stifles a groan and twists and turns. Her legs are useless - heavy, far from the ground and too close to her body for them to put any distance between them. But she has to do something, anything.
Li-Sar tilts her head, watches her fondly and chuckles - now she can both hear it and feel it. Hates that the press of her body - how it reverberates through her, shakes against her - doesn't bother her the way it should. She leans in close, strands of her tickling her cheek as she murmurs, “your anger is endearing, although I don't understand it.”
Her lips brush against her ear and Zuri stills.
“You have seen my power firsthand, as well as how those around you yearn for it. But still, you fight it. As though it isn't a blessing to be my other-heart.”
“I,” she can't bring herself to turn her head away. “I don't know what that's supposed to mean.”
“Hmm. You will, in time,” she hums before pulling away slightly. Just enough for both of them to have a clear view of the other's face. Enough for Zuri to see nothing but her. Knuckles trail along the curve of her cheek and jaw, a pleasant tingle against her skin.
“The people of this world are meaningless to me. Specks of stardust in a vast galaxy. They have nothing to offer me. But you? You have,” she inhales, deeply, breathing her in while her eyes trace her features as though she could get drunk on her and her alone. “You have more than you could ever imagine.”
A shudder runs down Zuri’s spine. A part of her clings onto the anger she has, tries to will it to fuel her actions, but the heat building up inside her isn't from that alone. Some of it comes from having this woman in front of her. Bold, flirty, certain about herself, what she wants, who she wants. Their hearts are pounding against each other through their clothes, through their chests why does she have to be so-
Li-Sar's eyes travel lower, down her neck and collarbone to where their bodies meet. Zuri follows her gaze without thought. A charge of electricity dances back and forth between them, in and around one person and to the next. She isn't sure what it's transferring, but she can hear every breath they take, feel the clouds gathering above them, the ache in her body fading and the endearment Li-Sar felt towards her. The anger she felt when the Trapper tried to attack her. Amusement, disdain, excitement, confusion.
Lust.
“This is but a glimpse of your potential. Of what I can do with and for you. What I can do to you, if you wish it,” she purrs and puts a finger under her chin. The zap that follows feels like a dangerous mix of pleasure and pain, making Zuri shiver and look back up at her. An instruction and a warning.
“Don't you want to discover all you are?”
“I am more than my blood.”
There's conviction in her voice, stained with doubt and desperation. As if it isn't just the world she's trying to convince.
But she is more than that. She has to be. She is more than parts of Rook, more than parts of Rebecca, more than what Murphy did to her.
“But of course.”
“I'm mo-” she blinks, “...I'm sorry, what?”
Another chuckle. She holds her chin between her thumb and index finger. And there's that endearment again.
“Surely you don't think that I chose you over that witch because of your blood?” Li-Sar glances off to the side, her mouth curling in disdain as she sighs. “It is powerful, no doubt. An untapped part of your essence that freed me. But there have been many blood sacrifices - that alone is not enough for someone to share in my power.”
Blood sacrifices? Plural? A strange, specific set of words. Ostin did seem almost reverent when he first saw Li-Sar, seemed to loathe the idea of her being imprisoned. They're practically a deity, so having people worship her isn't far fetched. A cult following wouldn't be either. But Zuri only heard about here recently. Outside of how she handled her arrival and Ostin’s temper tantrum, she hasn't exactly done anything that would be of interest to…a God?
She purses her lips. Li-Sar watches her with half-lidded eyes, amused, as though she can hear the dogs turning in her brain. Her focus shifts down to her lips. Zuri pretends not to see it.
“I wonder what I've done that makes me- makes this different, then.”
“It's not just what you've done but what you would do, if you had the chance. I can see it in your eyes, something ferocious but restrained like-” she rolls her lips together and shakes her head, muttering something in Echolian.
“This English language is inept at describing this. But in all my years, I rarely happened upon someone who has this. But here you are. You, and a woman who calls herself the leader of Rogue Supernaturals.”
Oh shit. Her stomach drops.
“She's spoken to you already? How did she contact you? Did she-”
“Oh hush, there is nothing of importance there,” amusement seeps into her voice as she scoffs. “Nothing to panic over nor be jealous of. She lacks your restraint. It makes her nowhere near as tempting. It is adorable watching your control slip, mortal.”
Dammit. What is with her? Since when can someone she's just met make her fumble like this. Where the hell is her subtlety?
She can't even blame the fight. Li-Sar seems to have healed her wounds again.
God, get it together.
“Your floundering is endearing as well. Almost every part of you is. No need to be embarrassed.”
“I'm not-”
“She wanted to be what you are,” she interrupts and Zuri strains to hold her tongue. “My she’loe-chae'lis, my other-heart, my chosen. And perhaps she would be, if I had not met you first.”
Zuri keeps her eyes trained on her, white-blue against dark brown. Something creeps into her, something like disappointment and the anxiety of something being in jeopardy. Nothing important. Focus. Their blood had mixed when she gave her these powers. Can they be taken away? Could whatever it is that tether them to each other be severed? Would she give it to the Rogue's leader if it could be?
Li-Sar's eyes don't give away a thing. She just watches with what seems like endless patience, like watching the cogs turn is entertaining. Zuri doesn't think she can get any answers that she isn't already willing to share - nothing that really means something to her. Especially now, when she's holding onto anger so tightly that it chaffs and she's still caught in the tension simmering between them.
“You think too much,” she says, cooing again before leaning in close enough for their foreheads to touch. “Don't you see, meor'dal? The humans want to control me and the supernaturals of this world want to be my chosen. But all I want is you.”
Her breath hitches. The anger slips. All that's left is the heat thruming through her and pooling in her abdomen, the nerves fluttering in her stomach, her breath fanning her face, how thin their clothes feel, how they shouldn't be there-
God, it's all she's wanted for as long as she can remember. For someone to want her. To choose her over everything. Over work, over rationale or fear, over something or someone more convenient. To see something in her that's worth staying for, even if they can barely reach it. She almost can, just a few inches shy of reaching in and grazing that all too sensitive spot nestled inside her.
“All I want,” her voice is close to a whisper as she cups her face, “is you, and the world we can shape together.”
But at what cost?
Just…keep it together.
A shaky exhale is all that comes out for a while. A pause. Then eyebrows furrow as she frowns like she might just sob. Zuri shakes her head a bit before resting the back of her head against the tree - she didn't even realise it had moved - and peers up at the sky. The moon peeks out from behind dark red clouds.
She can't just take her at her word. Who knows if this is what she wants and not what she knows makes her weak, feeds some twisted part of her that wants someone to be willing to burn down the world for her.
“I,” the words die in her throat when she meets her gaze again, sees the depthless, unbridled need inside of them… she almost doesn't want to say it but…
She slams her eyes shut and shakes her head again. “No, no, I- I don't want the world.”
“Then what?” Frustration makes the charge between them tremble. Fingers grasp the side of her face in an attempt to make her look at her, as if she'll claw the answer out of her if that's what it takes to have her at her side. Zuri’s eyes open and Li-Sar's face twists. Something close to desperation meets that frustration.
“What do you desire? What is it you crave that you believe I cannot give to you?” A muscle in her jaw twitches as her lips set into a hard line, nose wrinkled and eyes glowing a bright white. “I am already yours as much as you are mine, so tell me!”
A rumble of thunder accompanies the growl in her voice and goosebumps rise on Zuri’s skin, the fear raking down her spine freezing her in her spot.
That's the problem, isn't it? Li-Sar would do whatever it would take to fulfill her, to gain her favour, to crack her open and free the ugliest parts of her from their restraints. She'd protect her from any and every threat, destroy them in a blink of an eye. If she joins her. If she's willing to bury those she loves alongside the power-hungry and greedy. They're nothing To her, after all. Insignificant little things with nothing to offer her. If Li-Sar is hers as Zuri is hers, what good would anyone else be? What would they be but a threat to their bond?
She doesn't want that. She never will. She'd rather go unwanted for the rest of her life than lose her friends, her family, the community she has here in Wayhaven despite everything. There's no answer she can give that is worth never laughing with Tina and Verda again. Or experiencing the world through fresh eyes with Farah. Watching the sunrise in comfortable silence with Morgan. Exchanging books and anecdotes with Nate.
Being the reason Adam lowers his guard and smiles enough for the dimples to show on his face.
Every moment with them plays in her mind like a movie on fast forward. Slows to the day she left a scar on Adam's arm, one that won't heal. It's permanent. Her throat burns. She can't lose them. She won't. Not while she's alive and breathing. She won't be the reason he's hurt again and no one will carry any scars because of her.
Zuri stares back at Li-Sar. Another rumble, another flash of electricity, a crack of lightning, tension tension tension-
She is unwavering, firm. She won't get the answer she wants. At that, the amalgamation of frustration and anger softens into confusion, then fascination, then…she looks impressed? Begrudgingly, but impressed nonetheless.
“Fine,” she scoffs and glances away, a wry smile tugging at her lips. “Keep your secrets while you can. You will speak them freely once you join me.”
She almost slumps in relief, her cheeks hot with embarrassment. This is, what? Their second meeting? Their first full on conversation? And she can toy with her as though she's known her her whole life, push every button, say all the right things. It will never not be weird to be on the receiving end of that.
The air sighs, feeling lighter by the second. But only one type of tension evaporated. The other still lingers, balances on a tightrope.
Li-Sar's gaze flickers between her eyes and her lips, her hand gently cradling her face rather than grasping it tightly. She releases her wrists and Zuri's arms fall to her bare shoulders. Blue currents run down her arms, whirl around Li-Sar's shoulders down to her fingertips. For the first time, she shudders, eyes widening as she continues to watch her with a new intensity.
“...would you grant me this moment?”
Her hushed words hang in the air between them. Zuri blinks up at her. This can't be what she thinks it is. What she hates that she hopes it is.
“...what?”
A thumb caresses her bottom lip, the stinging fading as she does. There's fluttering in her stomach again, warmth in her cheeks, anticipation in her veins.
“I'd like to taste you, if you'd permit me,” a small gasp, and Li-Sar mirrors her, parts her own lips, seconds that feel like minutes pass before she continues. “I will savour however much of you I can have.”
The heat returns with a vengeance at the yearning in her eyes. Oh God. Zuri’s heart might just beat out of her chest. The last kiss she had was both bittersweet and magical and everyday after that has been a test in restraint.
Being alone with Adam was like drowning; his presence is all-encompassing, beautiful, painful, everything it wasn't supposed to be. It was supposed to be easy and fun, her wriggling her way past his walls and getting to see more of him than what the world sees. But he burrowed his way under her skin too and now? Now she's lost her balance, fallen from the edge and things are more complicated than they've ever been. Now she itches to be in his arms again, to run her fingers through the short strands of his hair, to feel his hand on her face and his lips on hers. She finds herself on the verge of begging and pleading for him to share that moment with her.
Just one more kiss, even if he won't have her. Even if they keep dancing around what they have. Even if it's better that way.
And here she is, with an all powerful being who is bold and beautiful and dangerous and wants her. Who isn't afraid of what it could mean or how it could end. She wants her. She could kill her for daring to deny her. But instead she asks for a kiss. Just one kiss, even if she can't have her the way she wants to.
Zuri wraps an arm around her neck and draws her in before she can think. She doesn't want to think - to resist - anymore. She wants it messy and desperate and electric.
Li-Sar chuckles and puts her free hand against the tree, crowding her but preventing her from pulling her any closer. “You will have to use your words. That shouldn't be difficult with that silver tongue of yours.”
She can't say it out loud, it's messed up and embarrassing and-
“May I taste you?”
Her eyebrows furrow, she's holding her breath, her head moves up and down before she can think-
Yesyesyesyes-
“...yeah,” it's shaky when it comes out, mixed with a heavy breath. “Yes…please.”
Li-Sar's eyes flash again, the hand on her cheek sits more securely while the other slowly moves to her waist. She stares at her with wonder and… concern. Their foreheads touch and one of Zuri’s hands leaves her shoulder to brush her hair out of her face. She needs to look at her.
“You have been hurt, haven't you, meor'dal?” She leans in closer, dips her head until the tips of their noses brush, her voice soft but firm. “I promise you this. That ache in your heart? That is something you will never have to bear again. Not when you are with me.”
Zuri is warm all over from the heat inside and against her body. Her hair is soft between her fingers, her scent is dizzying, her breath fans against her face and she is so beautiful. She's beautiful, she's dangerous, she wants her, she isn't him. The light, barely there touch of her lips makes sparks course through her, through her fingers, slice through her thoughts until all that's left are fragments yes, please, I want, need this, kiss me, kiss me, please-
“Zuri?”
Eyes snap open. A hand covers her mouth. Her own shift to her shoulders, balled into fists, pushing her away. The bark pokes at her back and the back of her head.
She doesn't need to glance to the side to see who's there. She'd know that voice anywhere. She looks anyway.
Adam.
Shit.
The rest of Unit Bravo come up from behind him, standing at a distance. Stiff like they all want to run towards her and get Li-Sar as far away from her as possible.
Li-Sar is doing the same.
Her hair stands on end as she stares at them, the static so overwhelming it crackles and pops and stings. Thunder starts rumbling, low and threatening, the backdrop to this standoff. She doesn't look at Zuri when she speaks, her voice echoing through the forest as she speaks. “Which one of them is it?”
Fear floods in and flushes every feeling away. Shit. She could kill them right where they stand. She pushes the hand on her mouth away, gets a tight hold of her wrist.
“Li-Sar, no. Stop.”
“Tell me.”
Farah watches intently. Morgan growls. Nate puts a hand on Adam’s shoulder. He still shifts closer.
“No,” the panic is clear in the rasp of her voice. “Leave them alone.”
“Who-”
“Stop!”
Her voice booms. There's a crack of thunder, a flash of lightning. The vampires cover their ears. Zuri’s hand zips forward, clutches Li-Sar's jaw, forcing her head to turn towards her. Away from them. Something surges through her, mixing with the fear, amplifying the anger and the ugly little thing inside her that gnaws at its cage. She won't watch them be hurt again. Not by either of them. Her fingers dig into her face again, another hiss as her nails pierce her skin. Her mind races with thoughts and images of every way she could stop Li-Sar, each one gorier than the next.
It would be the last thing she lets either of them do.
“You stay away from him,” her voice is as cutting and as loud as the thunder, “from all of them. If you even look in their direction again, you'll lose any chance you had of me being your she’loe-chae'lis.”
She says the word like her Echolian has been fully honed.
Li-Sar stares at her, her face still scrunched in anger, her eyes bright but inspecting. Curious. Piercing like she might call her bluff that there's any chance at all. They dim, and familiar fascination slips through. That, and an impressed smirk.
“As you wish,” she steps away a few seconds after Zuri lets go of her jaw, keeping her eyes on her as she backs away.
She stops at the trees opposite her, places a hand on one, making sure to turn her body away from Unit Bravo when she does.
“Until we next meet, Zuri,” her name echoes before she vanishes in a flash of lightning with a loud crack.
The tree has been split in too, leaves burnt to ash, branches black and smoking.
A warning of what she can do. What she could've done.
Zuri’s feet touch the ground for the first time in ages and her legs buckle.
“Zuri, are you harmed? Are you-”
“Give her a moment, Adam.”
Nate puts a hand on his shoulder again. The four of them get as close as they can while staying out of reach. She looks back at them, leaning back against the tree, panting with a wry smile. They're okay. They're all okay. “A moment would be appreciated.”
“Woah. Your eyes,” Farah stares at her in awe. “Your hair, your voice! Holy shit. Those powers are getting stronger by the day.”
Inhale. Exhale.
“You say that like it's a good thing.”
“It's not a good thing or a bad thing,” she shrugs, “just…a thing. I think.”
Inhale. Exhale.
“When were you gonna tell us that stuff would make your voice that loud?” Morgan joins in, crossing her arms and inspecting her with a concerned frown.
Zuri let's out a short, breathless laugh. “Oh trust me, I would've told you the moment I found out.”
“We do trust you.”
She shakes her head and gives them a weak smile. They're only talking because they know the silence would be worse for her. That noise, no matter how soft, helps her breathe easier.
Inhale. Exhale.
She vaguely feels her earrings lower to their usual position, dangling from her ears. Her clothes loosening around her, back to hugging her figure instead of squeezing it. The magic inside her feels less like a waterfall and more like a small stream, contained and not sparking outward.
It's Nate who speaks next. “How are you feeling, Zee?”
Soothed. Embarrassed. Exhausted. Relieved. Too many things to describe in depth. But she knows one thing.
“You're all okay. You're alright, so I'm good. Tired, but good.”
She straightens up and takes a step towards them. Or really, stumbles towards them. Adam catches her by the elbow and puts a hand on her back. She looks up at him with furrowed brows before looking down at his arm, shying away from his touch. The scar is still there. She hurt him one way and almost hurt him in another.
She almost kissed her.
“Wait, Adam I…”
“It is as you said. We are all alright,” she looks up again and finds him smiling softly. “I am all right.”
Guilt coils inside her chest.
“Let us go home,” he adds softly.
Zuri stares at the split tree, rolling her lips together at the sight. At the images that come with it. The part of her that already misses her and part that wants her gone in a way that's more permanent than a magically powered cell. She nods, leans into him despite how wrong she feels for doing it, and he leads her away.
She needs to just… get away from here.
#my writing#twc#twc book 4#twc fanfic#twc li-sar#twc detective#a du mortain#adam du mortain#li-sar x detective#adam du mortain x detective#oc: zuri jackson#zuri x adam#i did what i could with what i had#especially when it came to the solar powers lmao they might be giving more storm powers but hey#i tried#what's most important here is the TOXIC YURI#and zuri's mind being a little unhinged#i think about the option in book one that lets the detective say 'is losing morals part of basic training at the agency?' and laugh#because shit dude look at your thoughts - it just might be lmaooo#i also forgot to mention that this is basically the start of a love triangle with the way i wrote it
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