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mysterious-moonstruck-musings · 3 months

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Closed Position: Week 4 (Jive Part 1)

Closed Position Masterlist ||| Main Masterlist Dieter Bravo x OFC (Katarina)

Series Summary: Dieter Bravo, now sober, was looking to change his bad boy image after hitting rock bottom. His team hoped that having him join the nationally televised family friendly dance competition, Dancing with the Stars, would be a good first step, if they can keep him out of trouble.

Katarina Stamos expected her last season as a professional dancer on the show to go the same as it had for the past thirteen seasons. That all changed when she was partnered with the infamous Dieter Bravo.

Dieter and Katarina are reluctantly thrown into their partnership and must learn to work together to succeed in the competition. In the process they form a deeper connection beyond the dance floor that neither anticipated.

Chapter Word Count: 12.1k

👉 Warnings: Themes dealing with intimate partner violence, past alcohol abuse, and past drug abuse. There will be fluff, tears, spicy language, and smut. This will be a slow burn. Read at your own risk. Dieter Bravo comes with his own warnings.

👉 Chapter Warnings: Dieter being Dieter. Gratuitous use of the "f" word and talk about Dieter’s member. Cat and Plant dad Dieter cuteness. Brief mentions of intimate partner violence (more protective Dieter).

Chapter Quote: "It’s gonna be a real test of your stamina."

Katarina’s POV

I was taken aback by Dieter’s reaction to Alec’s attempted apology. I knew he had been upset about the incident, but I wasn’t expecting an outright dismissal from him. There was, however, a small part of me that was internally cheering over it. No one had ever challenged Alec like this, and he deserved every bit of it after how he had behaved.

I could tell Dieter was upset when he left the staging area, and I wasn’t buying his excuse of not feeling well. I assumed he just didn’t want to be around Alec. Once I was finally able to slip away from Alec to go check on Dieter, I was shocked to find that he was avoiding me. Something told me that he was hiding out in his dressing room. He wouldn’t come to the door, and he wouldn’t answer my calls or texts. After several minutes of asking around if anyone had seen him, Alec found me. He insisted it was time to head home since the show was over because he felt we needed to spend some time together. I was annoyed with his pushy behavior but relented. I knew it was the right thing to do if I wanted to work on our relationship. As I was walking to my car, I could see that Dieter’s was still in its spot, so he definitely hadn’t left.

On my drive home, I tried calling Dieter again. Still no answer. I had a terrible feeling in the pit of my gut that was making me uneasy. I was half tempted to blow Alec off and drive straight to Dieter’s house to wait for him to get home. I glanced in my rear-view mirror as I waited at a red light. I could see Alec in his car behind me. It looked like he was talking to someone on speakerphone. I couldn’t help wondering who he would be talking to right now. The sick feeling I was having seemed to get a little worse with that thought. I suddenly felt like I was making all of the wrong decisions today and didn’t fully understand why.

Once we got to my house, I started making dinner. I had leftovers we could have eaten, but I saw it as an opportunity to avoid Alec for a little longer while he sat on the couch watching TV. I didn’t say much while we ate. He was doing enough talking for the both of us. He made sure to tell me how the “guys” were bugging him about going out tonight, but he would rather spend time with me instead. He also made a point to say he was avoiding them so he wouldn’t be pressured into drinking. If it was actually true, then good for him, but honestly, it sounded rehearsed and disingenuous. It felt like he was trying to say all the right things to placate me. At this point, I felt so jaded by him, I realized that I couldn’t really believe a word he said. Why did I do this to myself? I had an out. I should have taken it.

When we were finished eating, I did the dishes. Then, without a word, I went to take a shower, locking the bathroom door behind me. The shower lasted way longer than it should have, but the warm water was soothing and worked the tension out of my body. My mind wandered back to Dieter. I couldn’t understand why he was ignoring me like this. It was so unlike him.

I stood under the shower head, frozen in place as I stared at the wall, thinking back to the previous week. The time that I had spent with Dieter outside of the dance studio had been so refreshing. I quickly realized that I liked being with him while doing mundane things. He always seemed to be in a good mood and genuinely seemed to enjoy his time with me. Even doing something as simple as going to the pet store with him was enjoyable and honestly, had my stomach in a flutter the entire time.

That feeling only intensified when he asked me over to his place. A little voice in my head told me that going over there might not be a good idea, like it was stepping over some invisible line that had been drawn between us. I entertained the thought for mere seconds before charging over that line without looking back as I agreed to his plans.

That voice shouted at me once again when I saw the incoming facetime call from him as I was lying in bed that night after leaving the pet store. I wasn’t expecting him to call after sending a text to check in on the new cat food. I hesitated, watching it ring for what seemed like an eternity before finally accepting the call. I forgot my words as I took in his appearance. It looked like he was shirtless, and his hair was more disheveled than normal, like he had been tugging at it with his fingers. I briefly wondered if it would look like that after I ran my hands through it, or would it be worse? We both silently stared at each other through the screen for several seconds before he spoke up and finally snapped me out of my trance.

As usual, he kept me laughing during our call. Dramatically complaining about the cat tree he was struggling to put together. I offered to help him with it before I even realized what I was saying. He propped his phone up to free his hands and give me a wide view of what he was doing. Who knew that watching a very attractive shirtless actor put together a cat tree could be so captivating? I kept getting distracted by the soft waves of hair hanging down over his eyes as he worked, or the way the muscles in his arms and chest would tighten as he pushed down on and twisted the screwdriver, or the way his gym shorts would ride up his thighs when he would squat down to pick something up.

Fucking hell Kat, this is not the time to be getting hot and bothered. The guy is avoiding you. I huffed, feeling frustrated with myself for allowing my mind to go down that path right now. It probably didn’t help that I hadn’t actually done anything to scratch that itch in a while.

Once out of the shower, I got ready for bed. I was still feeling a little worked up, so when Alec crawled into bed behind me and began to suggestively rub my back and kiss down the side of my neck, I gave in. Turning my head to kiss him as his hand roamed my body, eventually slipping down the front of my shorts to rub at my center. I wiggled against him, attempting to guide him to the right spot, but failed. Jesus Christ, this guy needs a fucking map and a compass. How is he still this clueless? Out of frustration, I grabbed his hand and guided him to where it needed to be. He mistook the action for eagerness, pushing my hand away and telling me that I could come when he was ready for me to - that he was going to take care of me. Like that's gonna happen at this rate. It seemed more like a half-assed attempt to please me just so he could get what he wanted.

The longer he went on doing whatever the fuck it was he was doing, the more my mood soured. I could tell he was getting frustrated that I was taking too long. I could have faked it like I often did for his sake, but instead, I stopped him. Suggesting that we just go to bed, citing that I was too tired from the long day of filming and that it was making it hard for me to fully get into it. He wasn’t happy about it, but agreed, turning over to shut off the lights as he settled in on the opposite side of the bed.

I wasn’t sure how much longer I could do this with him. His actions didn’t align with his words most of the time and I still couldn’t trust him. Also, he fucking sucked in bed. At one time, I had been willing to overlook that, but now it was beyond frustrating. Especially since it seemed more about his needs rather than both of ours and his unwillingness to try and make it better for me.

I laid there in silence, listening to Alec’s breathing deepen and eventually turn into soft snores. I couldn’t help letting my mind wander back to Dieter. I really hoped he was OK. The more I thought about it, the more upset he seemed. There was something about the look in his eyes that scared me. Did something else happen that I didn’t know about? I really hoped he hadn’t been triggered by something that was possibly threatening his sobriety.

My mind began to file through the memories of the last few days. Particularly our evening together at his house. It was now clear to me that he was a very sensitive person. I could tell that from being in his home, among his things, his paintings, and after seeing the way he cared for his plants and Zee. I briefly wondered if perhaps his feelings for me were evolving like mine seemed to be for him. It felt like there had been some serious tension between us that night. I had even caught myself flirting a little, and he was possibly reciprocating it. The way he had looked at me and touched me as he was getting into the cabinet caused my breath to catch in my throat. In that brief moment, I considered what it would be like to grab him and kiss him, but the moment passed as I somehow managed to talk some sense into myself.

There were several things that he had said to me that day that seemed to be flirting, but this was also Dieter Bravo we’re talking about. The man did not have a filter, so it was sometimes hard to tell if he was just being his cocky self. Maybe those two things are one and the same for him?

My mind then drifted to thoughts of his paintings and drawings. They were all so amazing. He really was talented and seeing the transformation his artwork had taken since he became sober really struck a chord with me. I could see the changes in him through his paintings in particular. I was honestly shocked he had allowed me into his art studio and what he called his “sanctuary”. They seemed like very personal spaces, and he gave me free reign to look through them. It was clear that he trusted me, which meant so much to me.

What I did not expect was to find that he played the guitar. I shocked myself when I moved to share that part of me with him. Alec hadn’t even really seen it. That was a part of me that I locked away after my dad passed, mostly because it just brought up too many memories. They were happy ones, but hard to think about just the same because I didn’t have him here to play and sing with anymore.

It felt good to pick up that guitar. It felt even better when Dieter did the same and started playing. I didn’t hesitate to join in on the song, singing along as he played. Then eventually joining in on playing too. I was almost dumbfounded when he started singing. Was there anything that beautiful man couldn’t do? He sounded amazing. His voice was smooth like honey, so raw and expressive. I was completely mesmerized by him, staring into his soulful eyes as he belted out a verse. I could feel his voice vibrating throughout my entire body as we connected in a way I had never connected with anyone else. It was this moment that had me reevaluating my entire life. It felt like there was something between us that I couldn’t begin to describe or understand. Then the spell was broken, and he suddenly seemed distant - mentioning how late it was.

I brushed away those new feelings at that point, telling myself that it was nothing. Yet, I found myself feeling oddly protective and jealous when Anika of all people asked him to go out after the show. It wasn’t so much the protectiveness that surprised me, but the jealousy. I realized at that point that this was becoming a problem because I had no right to feel that way. I was technically still with Alec and Dieter was not mine. I got all in my head about it after that, reasoning with myself that it had more to do with protecting his sobriety than anything, but now I’m starting to realize that may not be the case. I care about him, deeply.

Since the beginning, we had a natural chemistry when dancing together. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced with a partner, including when Alec and I first got together. At the time, I didn’t think it could get any better than that. But with Dieter, it was something else entirely. I couldn’t explain or understand it. Every week it had only gotten more intense, and it didn’t show any signs of slowing. I couldn’t ignore it anymore or deny how it was making me feel.

It had been obvious to me that I found Dieter to be physically attractive, but it was quickly turning into so much more than that. Every trait that I found lacking in Alec, be it personality wise or emotionally, Dieter had. He was quickly helping me realize what I wanted and what I needed to be happy, and he gave it all so willingly that it was hard not to fall for him. Is that what this was, me falling for him?

I think part of me had known all along, but I was too afraid to admit it. I found myself wondering if he was feeling it too. Surely his subtle flirting wasn’t all in my head. Not that any of it mattered, I still had Alec and I had committed to giving him one last chance. So, there was no reason to even be thinking about any of this.

I glanced over at the clock, I had been laying here for an hour with my mind swirling with questions and analyzing every interaction Dieter and I ever had. I really needed to get to sleep. I checked my phone one last time, still no response. I sighed, then closed my eyes, finally dozing off. My last thought was of Dieter, hoping he was ok.

Dieter’s POV

When I woke up on Tuesday, I felt like shit after having stayed up half the night painting away my feelings. It was the first time I had painted since training had started for the show. It felt good, even though I really needed sleep. I wasn’t even sure what I was painting until an hour into it. Staring at the curves in brilliant red and light bronze tones surrounded by meshed shades of dark blues, pinks, purples, and white, I realized it was Kat that I was looking at. A view of her from behind, wearing that red dress as she danced with her arms raised. Of course it was. I had declared her to be my new muse after all. Her curves and the way her hips moved had been haunting my thoughts since day one. It was only a matter of time before images like this started pouring out of me onto the canvas. I was honestly shocked it had taken this long.

The paint slowly transitioned from an abstract mesh of colors to a more realistic dreamy appearance as the image solidified in my mind. It wasn’t my usual style, but I didn’t hate it. I was about to start adding in the finer details when I realized how late it was. I called it a night and made it to bed around 2 AM, but it still took me another hour to fall asleep. The 7 AM alarm was quickly approaching, which only made me more anxious in my attempts to doze off and exacerbated the sleeplessness. Once Zee curled up at my side, her soft purrs and comforting presence eventually eased me into an unrestful slumber.

When the alarm did finally go off, I awoke feeling groggy and discontent. My emotions were all over the place, creating the urge to talk to someone about it before I spiraled into darkness. I could feel those old cravings lingering in the back of my mind, waiting for me to slip up. So, I pulled up Dr. Smith’s contact information and typed out a quick message asking if I could see her sometime today, preferably this morning. My weekly meeting was already scheduled with her for the following day, but I couldn’t wait. I needed to see her today. Sensing my urgency, she was able to schedule me for 10:30 AM, which meant I would have to skip out on my early lunch with Kat. It was probably for the best because I wasn’t sure if I could handle being alone with her and still carry a conversation without turning into a sulking puddle. At least during rehearsals, I would have the dancing to focus on rather than her and how she was still with that asshole.

I spent a few minutes cuddling Zee, listening to her purrs and quiet mewls of appreciation for the scratches I gave her. With a loud huff, I finally drug myself out of bed and headed for the shower to get ready for our weekly production meeting. I was in no mood for Stacia and Joe’s bullshit this morning. I stood under the hot stream, silently hoping they would keep things professional for once. If they started pushing their “romantic relationship” agenda again, there was a good chance I may snap. I couldn’t handle it today.

I didn’t even bother to dress nice like I normally would. Really, what was the point? I was going to rehearsals after the meeting anyway. I opted for black sweatpants, a fitted gray t-shirt, hat, and glasses instead of contacts. At least this casual look wasn’t ratty looking with holes and stains for once. It was more on the stylish sportswear side than anything.

Once I was dressed, I quickly made Zee’s breakfast, grabbed my gym bag, then headed out the door toward Television City Studios. I stopped on the way for my usual cup of coffee. I second guessed getting Kat’s usual order, silently berating myself for acting like a lovesick puppy as I waited in line. As I exited the building with two to-go cups in hand, I noticed paparazzi hanging around and snapping pictures. It’s too fucking early for this shit. Why are they even here? I sighed, trying my best to ignore them as I walked the short distance to my vehicle.

Minutes later, I entered the lobby of my destination. My eyes immediately scanned the room to find Kat. I didn’t see her. My shoulders dropped at the realization that she wasn’t here yet. She was always early. My mind jumped to the memory of Alec asking Kat to let him come home with her, so he could “show her how sorry” he was. My stomach turned. I felt sick all over again as I moved to sit in one of the cushy chairs and sat the two coffees down on the nearby end table.

After looking around the room for a few minutes, I pulled out my phone to scroll through Instagram. Several posts from the Dieter and Kat hashtag filled my feed that included pictures and videos from the Latin club. I knew how it felt when we were dancing that night, but I hadn’t considered how it looked. It did not look like two friends hanging out and having fun. Instead, it looked like two people eye-fucking each other while getting a little too up close and personal on the dance floor. Did we always look like that? Is this what Alec saw that had him so angry? I could see why he was upset, but that still didn’t give him any right to treat Kat the way he did.

My scrolling was interrupted by Kat breathlessly rushing in like she was running late. I glanced at the time, our meeting wasn’t scheduled to start for another ten minutes. She sank down in the seat beside me as she blew air out through her cheeks.

I raised an eyebrow in her direction, “Everything OK?” I asked.

She rolled her eyes, “Yeah…I just feel frazzled this morning. I overslept and it went downhill from there.”

“Long night?” I bit the inside of my cheek, already regretting my question.

She sighed, “Not really. I mean, I had to put up with Alec and his snoring, but I also just couldn’t sleep. I had a lot on my mind.”

I realized she was avoiding my gaze. Her eyes were looking everywhere but in my direction. I leaned forward in my seat, into her line of sight. Her brow furrowed as she looked me over.

“Whatta bout you, are you ok? I was worried after you left last night. What happened?”

I shrugged. Now it was my turn to avoid her gaze, “I just wasn’t feeling well. I guess it finally hit me after the adrenaline rush wore off.”

She pursed her lips, “Why didn’t you answer any of my calls or texts? I was half tempted to drive over to your place to check on you. Are you sure you’re good?”

Wait. Does she think I relapsed? “I’m sorry, my phone was on silent. I didn’t see your messages until late. I didn’t wanna wake you. I’m fine. I promise. I was just feeling a little nauseous.”

She chewed on her bottom lip as she continued to stare at me for a beat, “You look tired, did you get any rest?”

The way she was looking at me literally took my breath away. All I could manage was a shake of the head before clearing my throat and reaching for her coffee on the table beside me. I needed to change the subject, “I got you some coffee. Sounds like we both need it.”

She took it from me as she mumbled a quiet “thanks”. Her eyes focused on the cup in her hands for a time. Her brows knitted together, indicating she was deep in thought. I hated seeing her like this. She seemed conflicted or frustrated about something. I sat back in my seat and sighed, propping my chin on my hand and staring out a nearby window. I could sense a weird tension between us now and I hated it. Or was that all in my head? I wasn’t sure.

When I turned back toward Kat, she was staring at me. Her lips were slightly pursed, and her brow arched as her eyes took me in.

My brows drew downward as I gave her a nervous smile, “Why are you looking at me like that?”

A smile tugged at her lips, “I’ve never seen you in glasses or a hat. It’s just different…”

My brows now shot up into my hairline, “Is that bad? I know I look like a slob this morning…”

She shook her head, “No…it’s not bad at all. I actually like the glasses. I prefer the soft and wavy hair look, but I could get behind the hat too. It's growing on me.”

My face heated from her words. I couldn’t tell if she was teasing me or hitting on me. As I gave her a look of what I’m sure was confusion, we were interrupted by a production assistant letting us know Stacia and Joe were ready for us in the conference room.

Stacia and Joe greeted us from their seats behind the large table with their usual sneaky smiles. It never failed to amaze me how they always looked like they were up to something. Once we got through the pleasantries, Joe got down to business, a sly smirk still on his face.

“Since you two are one the favorites this season, we wanted to check in with you about your social media posting. We’d like to see you posting more behind the scenes stuff to create some buzz for the show.”

I snorted, “So, you want free promotion? Is that what you’re saying?”

Kat sighed beside me and sunk down in her seat.

Stacia smiled, “Didn’t you read your contract? You’re obligated to do certain promotional activities. Social media posts are one of them.”

I rolled my eyes, “Yeah, but we’ve made a couple of posts. I’m pretty sure the contract doesn’t say how much or what type of stuff we have to post.”

Stacia’s smile widened, “You’re right. It doesn’t give specifics. It says it’s at the discretion of the executive producers. Consider this to be our discretion. We want more posts from you two…from rehearsals or if you happen to be hanging out for lunch…or whatever, just snap a pic and post it. It doesn’t have to be a big deal.”

I glanced over at Kat, her nostrils flared as a crease formed between her brows. It was obvious to both of us. They were still pushing their agenda, though they were being less obvious with their intentions. They knew all they had to do was create the perception that something was going on between us. Even if it was a subtle one, it would still have the intended effect with viewers.

I could feel the anger rolling off Kat, but she stayed quiet beside me. They had us backed into a corner on this one.

I sighed, “Alright, fine. More social media posts. Got it.”

They both smiled smugly at us, having won that argument. Joe tapped on the table, “Alright. Good. So…the next thing is, we’re gonna start shooting some backstage footage during the live show going forward. It will help fill some of the airtime as couples are voted off. We just wanted to give you a heads up on that because there will be cameras in the staging area and maybe even in hair and makeup too.”

My mind briefly drifted back to how Kat and I had stood together with our arms around each other to watch the other performances during the last show. Then there was our pre-performance ritual too. Stacia and Joe had noticed it, I just knew it. They wanted to get it on camera for the world to see because it played into their agenda. I suddenly felt like there wasn’t anything that we could do that couldn’t be twisted to look how they wanted it to. It was frustrating and pissed me off. We couldn’t even just enjoy our time together and be friends without it being twisted into something else.

Neither Kat nor I said anything in response to this new development, but I could sense she was feeling the same as I was about it. Her tense body language told me everything I needed to know. Once Stacia realized we didn’t have any comments on that, she started shuffling through her binder, for I assume, the mockups of our costumes.

“This week we’re doing a 50’s theme…so all of the music and costumes will be inspired by that time period.”

She slid the drawings over to us. They had Kat in some short black high-waisted shorts, a black and white striped shirt, and a 50’s pin-up model hair style. Mine was the typical white t-shirt, jeans, and leather jacket of that era with slicked back hair.

“We have you guys scheduled to do the Jive to Jailhouse Rock. Do you have any objections?”

Kat again didn’t say anything, she just shook her head. I did the same as I slid the mockups back toward Stacia.

Not much more was said between us after that. Kat and I soon found ourselves exiting toward the lobby. We were silent most of the way. She finally turned to me when it seemed we were away from everyone, “Do they think we’re that fucking stupid? I know what they’re trying to do.”

I shrugged, “Yeah, but it is what it is, I guess. Not much we can do about it. They’re gonna do what they do.”

I hated what they were doing as much as her, but honestly, it wasn’t the thing that was really bothering me at that moment. Seeing Kat so angry about being associated with me romantically felt like another punch to the gut, even though it shouldn’t. She was engaged to someone else for fucks sake. She should be upset about it. It wasn’t like anything had actually changed between us. I was just being delusional.

I watched as Kat sighed and ran her hand through the top of her hair out of frustration, “I don’t understand why they can’t just let things happen naturally and stop forcing this shit. It’s not fair to us.”

What the hell does that mean? I stared at her, unblinking and confused by her words. Her eyes widened slightly, “I just mean, they shouldn’t force cast members into situations is all I’m saying. It’s an asshole move.”

I nodded along, agreeing with her half-heartedly. I felt so confused.

She chewed on her cheek for a beat, then shook her head, dismissing the conversation all together. “You’re right. It doesn’t matter. It’s not worth our energy to worry about it…” She paused, then sighed before continuing, “So, where do you wanna go for lunch today? There’s a diner…”

I held up my hand to stop her, “I’m sorry…I can’t have lunch with you today.”

Confusion clouded her features and she looked almost…disappointed? She frowned, “Why not?”

“I-I…have an appointment with my therapist.” I paused, watching the look on her face change to one of concern. I suddenly felt like I needed an explanation. “It was the only time our schedules lined up this week…I go once a week.” Stop fucking rambling, Bravo. She seemed relieved now that she knew it was a routine visit, even though it really wasn’t.

“Oh…you didn’t have to tell me all that. It’s good to hear your going though.”

I forced a smile, “Yeah…so I’ll see you after that. I may be a few minutes late though…because of traffic.”

She nodded, “That’s fine. No big deal. You want me to pick you up some lunch then?”

I shook my head, “Na, I’m good. Thanks for the offer though.”

The way she was looking at me made me feel almost uneasy. I felt like she could see right through me, like she knew what was going through my head. I’m sure it was just my paranoia about her realizing my feelings toward her, but that thought didn’t make it any better.

I looked down at my watch, “Oh shit, I need to go. I’ll see you in a bit, yeah?” She gave me a small smile as we said a quick goodbye.

A short time later, I sat down in a chair in front of Dr. Smith as she asked what was going on. I was fidgety, rubbing the tops of my thighs nervously as I thought of the best way to explain it all. I thought it best to start with the events from last week, filling her in about how Kat and I had gone to the club then the subsequent incident that took place with Alec after. She listened intently as I explained how I had been worried about Kat’s safety and what an asshat Alec is. I paused for a beat, trying to decide on the best way to explain everything after that when she interrupted my thoughts with an unexpected question.

“Did seeing that bring up any feelings or memories related to your parents? Is that why you’re so upset?”

Honestly, my past family drama hadn’t even crossed my mind. I shook my head, “No…I mean I guess it did in that I know what those types of people are like. It makes me worried for her safety.”

Dr. Smith stared at me, she looked confused.

“I’m in love with her,” I blurted out. No sense in sugar coating it at this point.

Her eyes widened, “Well…that escalated quickly.”

I shook my head, “No, not really. I’ve had feelings from day one. I only just realized what it was yesterday when she agreed to give that asshole another chance. After our time together last week, I really thought she would tell him to fuck off.”

“Your time together? What do you mean?”

I realized I hadn’t gotten to that part yet, so I launched into it. Detailing our trip to the pet store, the facetime call, dinner at my place. The vibes between us and how it was making me feel. All of it.

“I know a relationship isn’t the best idea right now because I need to focus on my sobriety, but I swear this is different. It’s not an urge for a casual hookup…like…I want to be with her, and I don’t mean that in a sexual way. I want all the mundane domesticated stuff too.”

Dr. Smith sighed, “Can I be honest with you?”

“Of course!”

She leaned forward, “I had a feeling this was coming. I’m a fan of the show, so yes, I’ve been watching. It’s obvious you two have chemistry. That’s why I keep asking about her. The fact that you were avoiding the topic told me that something was going on inside that brain of yours.”

Damn, I knew that would come back to bite me.

“I am a little shocked to hear all of this has been going on. Her situation is concerning, but she’ll have to make the decision to leave on her own. The best you can do is continue to offer her support and hope she comes around.”

I started rubbing at the back of my neck, “But what am I supposed to do about how I feel? I’ve never felt like this about anyone before and the whole situation is giving me anxiety. I think I almost had a panic attack last night.”

Dr. Smith clasped her hands under her chin as she thought through her next words, “I’m torn about how to approach this…because I do worry about codependency. Especially if she’s currently in an unhealthy relationship and has been for that long. It could cause some unhealthy habits between the two of you.”

I shook my head, “No. It’s not like that with her. I’m confident that’s not an issue. I mean…we tend to look out for each other, and she would totally call me out on my shit. Everything is different with her. I don’t know how to explain it…Her dad was sober after struggling for a while, so she gets what I’m going through with that. She’s been very supportive.”

Dr. Smith nodded and pursed her lips as she took in my words, “Maybe you should tell her how you’re feeling.”

She said it like it was the simplest thing in the world. Like it wouldn’t completely change everything between Kat and me.

“What if she doesn’t feel the same way though? It will completely ruin our friendship. And…I don’t want to put her in that situation. She’s engaged to someone else…remember?”

She sighed, “Dieter, I’m not really sure what you came here looking for. I can’t tell you what to do about the situation. The only thing I can help you do is to work through your feelings. It’s clear you have strong feelings toward her. My main concern is you and if it’s causing an urge to use again.”

I puffed air out of my cheeks, “I mean…I had a brief moment this morning where I thought it would be nice to be numb to it all. That was the main thing that prompted me to come in. I just wanted to talk it out with someone. It was the first time I’ve had that thought in weeks…I’m just a fucking pansy who can’t handle any kind of feelings.”

She gave me an admonishing look, not approving of my negativity toward myself.

“Sorry…but it’s just facts.” I added.

“Dieter, you are perfectly capable of handling it. You just need to learn how. You’ve made so much progress already…I hope you realize that. I would expect you to have a hard time with something like this. It’s new and different. So, don’t be so hard on yourself. This is all part of the human experience and completely normal emotions to be having.”

I nodded. She wasn’t wrong. I had come a long way from where I had been. The old Dieter probably would have relapsed and never even made it to the first rehearsal. Or if he had made it this far, he would have completely gone on a bender last night without a second thought. I did need to give myself some credit.

I sighed, “You’re right. I have made progress. I’ll do better to think more positively about myself in that respect.”

She smiled, “Good. Now, how do you plan to deal with this going forward? I can talk you through that.”

I shrugged, “I guess…I’ll play it by ear and see what happens? Nothing has really changed. I’m just not really sure how to act around her. I don’t feel like I can be as open with her knowing she’s back with that douche bag. I think I just got my hopes up…ya know what I mean?”

Dr. Smith nodded, “I feel like that’s a good way to deal with it. It sounds like you two do have a good friendship, so try not to let this come between you as far as that goes. I do think she’s been good for you in that sense and as long as you’re managing your expectations you can handle it. For now, just focus on being a supportive friend to her. Maybe that will eventually pay off.”

My time with Dr. Smith was up soon after that. I did feel a little better after having talked it through with someone. It made me feel a little less crazy for the reaction I had - to know that it was actually normal emotions that I was experiencing. At least I had a plan with how to go forward. I just hoped I could stick to it without making an ass of myself or causing issues for Kat.

After leaving my appointment, I stopped for some fast food and ate in the parking lot. My mind kept wandering to Kat no matter how hard I tried to focus on other things. The thought of her going home with Alec the previous night was eating away at me. They had clearly spent the night together. It was making me feel sick all over again. I ended up trashing half of my greasy ass food before heading over to the studio to get started on this week’s routine.

Kat had already started working on the routine while she waited for me to arrive. She didn’t make a big deal out of my appointment, which I appreciated. Only asking if I was feeling ok. Somehow, I got the sense that she knew I was completely full of shit about why I suddenly had therapy this morning. I just hoped she hadn’t figured out the reasons for it.

We started the way we always did, by listening to our music arrangement and discussing what we wanted to convey with our performance. Then Kat moved into teaching me the basics of the dance since it was new.

“So, the Jive is a little different and is one of the more difficult dances because of the quick footwork. In ballroom it’s considered to be a Latin style dance, however, it’s also part of the swing dance family too. It’s known for its upbeat energy and requires high knee lifts and a lot of hip swinging. It’s gonna be a real test of your stamina.”

I raised a brow at her, and she chuckled. Seriously? I was tempted to make a joke but refrained.

“So, we’re gonna be using both open and closed positions for it. We’ll be doing a triple step with downward leg movements. You have to be sort of bouncy with it. On the finish, legs should be straight with an upright posture.”

She did her usual demonstration as she explained it. She wasn’t wrong, it did look a little more complicated. Even more so when she did it at the speed in which the dance required. It took me a bit to get the footwork down, but I finally caught on. We spent the rest of the afternoon planning out the routine, though I wasn't very engaged. I was unusually quiet and unable to focus on anything other than Kat being with that asshole. From the way she kept eyeing me, I knew she could tell something was up. I hoped that she wouldn’t ask, because I couldn’t lie to her if she asked point blank. Thankfully she didn’t.

The hours seemed to pass by quickly once we finally got into a groove. My sour mood didn’t abate, but at least I was able to focus on the task at hand. Once our studio time was up, I said a quick goodbye to Kat and moved to leave, instead of waiting around to walk out with her. She didn’t give me a chance to get out the door before calling out to me. I took a deep breath before turning to face her as she approached and placed her hand on my arm.

“I’m not gonna ask how you’re feeling again…but if you need anything…please call me. I don’t care what time it is. OK?”

The worry in her eyes nearly broke me. It was obvious that she truly cared about me. I would never question that. I felt a lump forming in my throat as I considered telling her everything, just so she wouldn’t worry. I looked away, clearing my throat before speaking.

“I promise, I’m good. I’m just…working through some things.”

She nodded, the sad look still in her eyes as she released my arm. I gave her a small smile and pulled her in for a side hug. I couldn’t leave her looking like that. It seemed to do the trick as she appeared more relaxed when I pulled away. After another quick goodbye, I headed out and went home.

After having leftovers for dinner, I spent some time checking in with my plants. As I was painting the previous night, I noticed that Goldie, one of my large hanging Pothos plants, was looking a little withered. Now that I thought about it, I couldn’t remember the last time I had actually watered her. I had moved her to the art studio away from Zee and sort of forgot about her hanging in the corner. Realizing that I had potentially neglected the viny greenery made me feel like shit. After providing just the right amount of hydration from my rainwater collection barrel, I spent a good hour clipping back the stems and gently dusting each of her leaves. It made me feel better to watch her perk up before my eyes. It also helped me relax and gain a little mental clarity about everything.

As I had said to Dr. Smith, nothing had really changed about our situation. Kat had never split from Alec. Therefore, there was no reason to try and patch up the wall that was slowly being chipped away between us. There was nothing wrong with us getting closer as friends. Though, I did have to weigh any emotional trauma that might come with that. However, I reasoned it was worth it if that meant keeping Kat in my life long term. Even if it was only as friends.

After checking in with the rest of the plants in the art studio, I got ready to go to sleep. Zee was already in bed waiting for me when I came out of the bathroom. It had become sort of a nighttime ritual to have some cuddles before we both zonked out.

Since I had met with Dr. Smith a day earlier, we canceled my Wednesday appointment. That meant I had the entire morning to do nothing until our evening rehearsal time. I took advantage of it and did not set an alarm - allowing myself to sleep in for once. Not that I got to sleep in too much later. Zee was on a schedule that she would not let me forget. It was nearing 9AM when I felt her pounce on top of me and meow loudly in my face. Which was just as good because I was almost positive I was having a dream I shouldn’t have been having about Kat. My morning wood corroborated that thought.

After groaning and grumbling loudly, I finally got out of bed and made my way downstairs to make Zee’s breakfast. Once she was finished, she hopped up on her cat tree and indulged in her favorite pastime, bird watching. I rolled my eyes and shook my head as I passed by her to go back to bed. After settling back in, I grabbed my phone for some morning social media scrolling.

Since following the ‘Dieter and Kat’ hashtag, my feed was now populating more and more posts related to us. I ended up going down another rabbit hole, looking at videos of our past two performances and behind the scenes rehearsal clips for the first time. There was no question about it, the chemistry between us was off the charts from the start, and not just while we were dancing. I almost didn’t recognize myself watching the way I interacted with her during the rehearsal clip from last week. I figured this is what people mean when they say you have hearts in your eyes. I looked like a lovesick fool.

I sighed, “Fucking hell, Bravo. You’re down bad, dude.”

I let last week's rehearsal clip play again, this time focusing on Kat. It was different seeing things from an outsider’s perspective. Seeing it like this made it obvious that Kat had the same energy toward me. I knew she wasn’t like this with other people, not even with Alec. The way she looked at me sometimes when we were dancing hadn’t gone unnoticed by me. However, to see her body language and the way she looked at me when I wasn’t paying attention was a whole other can of worms. I watched her watching me while I was focused on my foot work. Her eyes were sparkling as they roamed up and down my body, a small smirk playing on her lips. Then she would move in to correct my posture, pushing between my shoulder blades or change the positioning of my arms. Most would probably assume she was just minding my form, but some of her touches were lingering and even unnecessary given that she could provide verbal corrections.

Seeing this made me realize that Kat was definitely into me. It’s no wonder Alec was so worried. The sparks were there for the world to see even though we were doing our best to keep them from turning into blazing flames. It felt almost inevitable at this point. A part of me felt pretty damn smug about it. The other part made me even more concerned that Alec would do something incredibly stupid. My only hope was that he would have a major fuck up and make Kat realize she needed to dump his ass before anything bad happened to her.

I continued down my rabbit hole, clicking hashtags for the show to see where they led me. I eventually came to a post with the hashtag ‘Dieterina’. I snorted, busting into laughter over it. We officially had one of those cheesy celebrity couple names. Kat was going to love that. I briefly wondered what she would do if I used it on a post but thought better of it. For now, anyway…

My scrolling activities were briefly interrupted by Zee jumping on the bed and rubbing her face against my hands for pets, nearly knocking the phone out of my grasp. Once I got her situated beside me, I continued scratching her with one hand and scrolling with the other. Her soft purrs filled the silence as I dug further into the ‘Dieterina’ posts. It seemed we had a lot of shippers who enjoyed sharing screenshots of our performances. Shots that were timed just right to look as intimate as possible. I had to admit, we looked amazing together. I now understand why Stacia and Joe were all over it too. It seemed to be a big fucking deal, even with us trying to avoid it.

I sighed and dropped my phone on the bed beside me, turning to Zee to cuddle her fully.

“There’s something there, Zee. I fucking know it. I’m just gonna bide my time and wait for that asshole to fuck up again. I know he will. He can’t help himself. When he does, I’m gonna be there for her…and I’ll tell her how I’m feeling when the time's right. For now…I’m just gonna go off her vibes, like I have been.”

Zee nuzzled into my chin, mewling quietly in response. Her presence helped calm me. It was almost like she knew that I needed it. I was suddenly thankful that this little menace had forced her way into my life. Having her here was a huge positive impact on me mentally. I wondered if she knew? If she could sense it? Is that why she wouldn’t leave? I pondered that thought as I dozed off again.

I woke up a little after noon, shocked at how well I had slept after falling back to sleep. I felt refreshed and ready to deal with whatever the rest of the day brought. After taking a quick shower and throwing on shorts and a t-shirt, I headed to the dance studio for our afternoon rehearsal time. I was surprised to find Alec in our studio space when I entered. It looked like they were just finishing up with a late lunch. I gave Kat a small wave and tight smile as I moved to the empty chairs at the opposite end from where they were. She looked guarded as she returned the wave, her eyes following me as I moved to set my gym bag down. I was completely aware of Alec’s gaze as his eyes shifted between Kat and me with a self-satisfied look on his face.

I tried to busy myself with looking for nothing in my bag while they told each other goodbye. I just happened to glance over as Alec leaned in to kiss Kat on the cheek. A cocky look overtook his features as he stared me down through it. Like he was asserting his ownership over her and rubbing it in. Fucking asshole. Kat on the other hand seemed tense, not really leaning into his embrace. Why is she doing this to herself? I don’t understand.

Alec made sure to announce rather loudly that he would see her later this evening. He wanted to make sure I heard. Clearly his attitude hadn’t changed any. Kat watched him leave with a stony face before turning to me and smiling. It was so easy for me to tell that it wasn’t a genuine smile. I could read her so well.

I gave her a half-hearted smile in return. I couldn’t fake it like she could. Her smile faltered, she could read me too.

“Dieter…have I done something to make you mad at me? I just feel like you’ve been a little closed off toward me the last couple of days.”

I sighed, “Mad…no. I could never be mad at you.”

Her brow furrowed, “There is something though, right? What is it?”

I gave her another tight smile, “You really wanna talk about this right now? I’m sure I don’t need to tell you.”

She shook her head, “No, I wanna hear it. Say what you have to.”

I blew air out through my cheeks, “Fine. I’m not mad, I’m disappointed.”

Anger briefly flashed in her eyes, “Why?”

I scoffed, “You really have to ask? That asshole physically assaulted you and treats you like shit. I’ve had people like that in my life and I know what they’re capable of. I don’t want that for you. I don’t want you to get hurt…because believe it or not, I do actually care about your well being.”

Her eyes widened as she placed her hands on her hips, “Is that the only reason?”

What exactly is she asking me? The question took me by surprise, and I didn’t really know how to answer it. No, it’s not, but I can’t say that. I stared at her wide-eyed, “D-Do I really need another reason? Just because we’re friends doesn’t mean I have to like him or approve of it. You’re my only concern in this. He can fuck off.”

Her face softened, she looked conflicted for a moment before finally responding, “I’m sorry, you’re right. You have every reason to feel that way after what you saw. I think I’m taking my frustrations out on you, and I shouldn’t.”

She rubbed her hand through the top of her hair, a nervous habit of hers I noticed.

“Do you regret your decision?” The question was out of my mouth before I had time to consider it.

A sad smile tugged at her lips, “Am I that transparent?”

“To me you are…Why did you do it?”

She chuckled, “Oh…you know me, I believe people can change when given the chance. I’m tired though…all I do is worry and wonder what’s coming next. I think I’m just starting to realize that’s never gonna go away with him…but, I promised him one more chance and I’ll stand by it.”

“Just promise me you won’t let it get bad…that you'll tell me if you need anything.”

She reached up to cup my cheek and smiled. This time it reached her eyes, “You’re too good to me. I don’t deserve it, but I’m glad.”

I couldn’t help leaning into her touch for a brief moment. I felt like there was more she wanted to say but couldn’t. I reached to grab her hand from my face and held it between both of mine, “You deserve the world. You shouldn’t be punished for his shortcomings.”

She nodded, agreeing with my words. The moment felt a little too intimate. She chuckled suddenly, turning away and mock wiping sweat from her brow, “Whew, did we just have our first argument? I don’t like it. Let’s never do that again.”

I laughed loudly and pulled her in for a side hug, burying my face in the top of her hair as I spoke, “I think it was more like a mild disagreement…and I don’t like it either. I’ve missed you.”

I felt her arms snake around my waist and squeeze gently. We sat like that for a beat too long, causing the tension to return between us. She loosened her grip but didn’t let go of me as she raised her head to meet my gaze, “We should probably actually rehearse at some point today.” I chuckled and nodded in agreement.

We got to work after that. The vibes between us quickly shifted back to where they were before. I was right, nothing had changed. We had picked up where we left off. Although, it did appear that a few more chips had fallen from the imaginary wall that separated us.

This rehearsal turned out to be rather productive even though we had a bumpy start. We had the choreography completely figured out by the end of it. The routine was fun and full of energy. Kat kept joking about putting my loose hips to good use and opening with some of the signature Elvis gyrations. I finally gave in. It sent us into a fit of laughter as she showed me how to do it properly. That was how we ended the day, and I was thankful for it. I had missed hearing her laugh like that so damn much. You’d have thought it had been years instead of a couple of days since I heard it last.

As we were gathering our things to leave, Kat paused and turned to me. “What are your plans for dinner?”

I shrugged, “Probably leftovers, why?”

She rolled her eyes, “Well if it’s leftovers you cooked, it’s probably better than what I was about to suggest.”

I gave her a cocky smirk, “Maybe not. What did ya have in mind?”

She returned my smile, “There’s this little mom and pop diner about ten minutes away that I’ve been wanting to try. It’s Greek, but they have typical diner foods too.”

I rubbed my chin, pretending to be in deep thought. “I GUESS I could give it a try…” I said sarcastically. Kat laughed and shoved my shoulder lightly.

“Jerk.”

I cleared my throat, “Is that really a good idea though? I don’t want Alec to get pissed about it.”

She sighed, “He can get mad if he wants. I’ve already told him to get over it. Again, I’m not doing anything with you that I haven’t done with my past dance partners.”

I gave her a cheesy smile, “Yeah, but none of your past dance partners were hot.”

She snorted, “Valid point. Let’s go hot guy, I’m starving.”

Does that mean she thinks I’m hot? Her response shocked me a little. I expected a snarky come back, not that. I followed behind her toward the parking lot in a daze, opening the doors for her as we went. I ended up following her to the diner since I had no idea where we were going. We were parked outside the place within minutes. She gave me a shy smile after she got out of her car, walking over toward me so we could go inside together.

We were seated across from each other in a booth near one of the front windows, thumbing through the menu in silence and stealing glances at each other. She pursed her lips, fighting a smile when I caught her staring over the top of her menu at me.

“So, what are ya gettin?” she finally asked.

“Hmm, I dunno, this place has a little bit of everything. The pasta is looking pretty good.”

“Would you like an appetizer? I kind of wanna try the Spanakopita, but that looks like a lot.”

I chuckled, “I don’t even know what the hell that is…”

She laughed, “It’s like a Greek spinach pie in a flaky pastry crust. It’s really good with tzatziki sauce…usually.”

I wrinkled my nose, “Spinach pie?”

“It’s not as bad as it sounds…my grandma used to make it all the time.” She had a faraway look in her eyes now, seeing some past memory as a sad smile tugged at her lips. It obviously meant something to her.

“Well, then…we have to try it.”

Her eyes lit up, “Really?” I nodded. Then she gasped dramatically, clutching her chest. “Oh. My. God. They have baklava too! I’m gonna feel miserable when I leave here.”

I snorted out a laugh, eventually managing to ask what baklava was.

“It’s a dessert…like a pastry, I guess? Smothered in honey.”

“Mmm, that sounds good actually. You’re right, I think I’m gonna be miserable too.”

She smiled up at me then, her eyes sparkling with excitement.

“Now that I know you like Greek food so much, I’ll have to learn to cook some stuff for you.” Oof, that might have been too forward.

Her smile widened. Maybe not.

“Dieter Bravo, I told you, don’t make promises you don’t intend to keep.”

I chuckled, “I told you I’d cook for you anytime and I enjoy learning new dishes. Besides, I’d love to have you back over. Zee says she needs some more girl time anyway.”

Kat squinted at me, like she was trying to figure out a puzzle, but was interrupted by the waitress coming to take our order. After I asked several questions to narrow down my choice, I settled on the Pastitsio pasta bake and Kat got a Gyro with lamb. Of course, we also got the Spanakopita to share for an appetizer.

As we sat waiting, Kat was distracted by something outside. She stared for a moment before mumbling a low “fuck” under her breath.

My brows furrowed, “What’s wrong?”

She huffed, “I think there are some paparazzi across the street.”

I turned to look in the direction she had been. Sure enough, there were three standing there using long lenses.

It was my turn to huff, “What the hell? They aren’t usually hanging out at a place like this.”

“You think they followed us from the studio?”

I scratched at my chin, “Had to…How else would they know to come here?”

She sighed, “I really hope this doesn’t become a thing. It’s so fucking annoying… can’t even eat in peace.”

I gave her a tight smile, “I’m sorry, I’m sure it’s because of me. They’re just dying to catch me doing something the old Dieter would have done…waiting for me to fail.”

I felt her leg nudge against mine under the table, she didn’t pull it away. It made it hard to focus on anything else but the heat of our bare calves touching.

“Hey, you’re not that person anymore, so fuck them. Just ignore it.”

I managed a small smile in response before we were interrupted by the waitress bringing our drinks and various condiments. I turned my attention to the waitress, “I don’t want to be a bother, but can we close the shade?”

The woman gave me a puzzled look. “There are paparazzi out there taking pictures.” I added.

Her eyes widened, perhaps realizing who we were for the first time. “Absolutely, I can. Would you rather move to a booth in the back? We have one that’s away from everything…it’s more private.”

Kat and I both shook our heads, “Na, I think just closing the shade will be fine…thank you for the offer though.”

She moved to the empty booth behind me so that she could reach the cord and lowered the window covering.

“There you go. Let me know if you guys need anything else. Your food should be out soon.”

She gave us both a warm smile as she walked toward the back.

I shook my head, “Now, let’s see if a sneaky pic of us shows up on their social media later.”

Kat rolled her eyes, “Geeez, I hope not. We might as well not go anywhere at that rate.”

I gave her a toothy smile, “All the more reason for me to cook for us instead.”

She nudged my leg again, peering up at me through her lashes in that way that always takes my breath away, “I’m holding you to that.”

I narrowed my eyes and gave her a cocky grin. The look that passed between us was…something else. I’m not even sure how to describe it, but it definitely made my dick twitch. I finally cleared my throat to break whatever was happening between us, then reached to take a drink of my water just to have something to do so that I wouldn’t get lost in her eyes.

“Speaking of social media…” I finally said as I sat my glass back down. “Have you been paying attention to anything related to the show on there?”

Her eyebrows arched as she shook her head, “No, I try not to get on there too much. Why?”

I chuckled, “Well, we officially have a hashtag now.”

A crease formed between her brows, “What? What do you mean?”

I had to work to hold in my laugh, “You know, those cheesy celebrity couple names? We have one now.”

She rolled her eyes, “Seriously? You’re joking. What is it?” She moved to take a drink through her straw.

“Dieterina.”

She nearly choked on her water as she started laughing, “You have got to be fucking kidding me? Really? Surely there’s something better than that? That’s just…no.”

I had to stifle my laugh, she had the exact reaction that I expected from her.

“I dunno, I mean there are only so many combinations you can do with our names. Kieter? Is it first names only? If not…then Bravos? Stamo? Bramos?”

Kat was trying to hold in her laughs now, “OK. OK. They’re all cheesy. There’s no win here. I can’t…” She continued to laugh as she tried to catch her breath. It was a glorious sight.

“I think imma start using that on our Instagram posts…just to be a punk.”

She shook her head and threw a napkin at my face, “You will not. You might go missing over that one.”

Our appetizer came out soon after that. Kat wasted no time digging in, groaning at the taste of it, and getting little Bravo’s attention in the process, like always. At this rate, I had a feeling that was an issue I would have to take care of when I got home later. I must have been gawking at her like a perv because she froze as her eyes widened. She moved to cover her full mouth with her hand as she spoke, “Why are you looking at me like that?”

I tried to play it off, laughing slightly and shaking my head. “No reason…just watching you make a fool of yourself. I take it that it’s good?”

She shoved what was left of her half eaten spinach and cheese filled triangular shaped piece toward my mouth, “Yes. Try it. Now.”

I laughed, “Geez, so bossy.” I didn’t think twice about what I was doing as I leaned forward and took a bite from the same side she had. She watched me intently, waiting on the edge of her seat for my reaction.

“Well?”

My brows arched upward, “Hmmm. Not bad.”

She scoffed, “Not bad? Are you kidding me? I mean, it’s not as good as my Yaya's was, but it’ll do.”

She popped the rest of the piece I had bitten off of into her mouth, then gave me a cheesy smile.

I loved her like this. She seemed so relaxed and carefree. I also loved that she was sharing bits of her life with me. It made me feel more connected to her somehow.

“How was your Yaya’s different? Maybe I could figure out how to make it like hers.”

Her eyes rounded, “Gosh, I don’t even know how to explain it. I can’t pick out different flavors. It was a little creamier maybe? Or had another type of cheese in it? And maybe some type of herb? I’m not sure. Maybe my sister might know…”

“You have a sister? Older or younger?” I asked.

“Three years older…she lives in North Carolina. I don’t get to see her much.”

I started munching on my own triangle of spinach pie. “Does she look like you?”

She nodded, “Very much so.”

I gave her a sly grin as I arched a brow in her direction, “She single?”

She scoffed, “You better be fucking joking.”

I started laughing, “I am. One hundred percent joking.” I only want you.

She rolled her eyes at me, not amused in the slightest as she pulled out her phone. After tapping at it and scrolling, she showed me a picture of herself hugging a girl who looked very much like her. I took a moment to look at it, mainly focusing on Kat the entire time. She looked genuinely happy in that shot.

“So, you’re the hotter sister. Noted.” I gave her another sly grin before returning to my appetizer.

I could feel her eyes on me, but I didn’t dare look her way. I knew I was pushing the boundaries with that line. I was afraid to see how she had taken it.

Luckily the rest of our food arrived at that moment, breaking whatever tension my comment had caused. After getting our dishes situated on the table that almost wasn’t big enough, we dug in.

“Oh. My. God. You have to try this!” Kat mumbled through a mouth full of food. She held the Gyro over to me for a bite. Clearly, my comment hadn’t bothered her too much. I leaned in for a quick nibble.

“Damn, that is good. I’m getting that next time.”

I started cutting into my baked pasta dish and took a quick bite of the cheesy goodness. “Mmm, maybe not. That’s pretty damn good too. You wanna try it?”

“Oh, yes please!”

I slid my plate toward her, she didn’t hesitate to pick up my fork and take a bite. I don’t know why that was such a fucking turn on, but it was.

She leaned back in her seat, “Fuck. That’s good too. This might be my new favorite place.”

I snickered, pulling my plate back over in front of me. “So, how come you didn’t bring Alec to try this place with you?”

She sighed, “He’s not a very adventurous eater and doesn’t really care for this kind of food. I figured you might appreciate it more.”

I was a little stunned. What an asshat. “So…let me get this right…he’s engaged to marry someone with a Greek heritage, but he doesn’t want to make an effort to experience it with you?”

She chewed on the inside of her cheek, now staring down at her food. I don’t think she had actually realized that until now.

“It’s not something I’ve ever really pushed with him to be honest. I’m sure he would try it if I asked…maybe.”

It was my turn to nudge her leg with mine, leaving it against hers like she had done to me earlier.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

She shook her head, “No…I mean, you’re not wrong. He’s really not. He’s not very supportive in general. That’s something I really should think on.”

Man, fuck this guy. At least it seemed like she was beginning to see where he was lacking. Hopefully that was a good sign.

I changed the subject after that, shifting to sharing Zee’s antics instead. That seemed to cheer her up some. That topic carried us through the rest of our meal until the waitress asked if we wanted dessert. Kat groaned, “I’m so stuffed, but I really want some baklava. You wanna split a piece?”

It was my turn to groan, “Ugh, I guess. You may have to roll me out of here though.”

Kat laughed before confirming our order with the waitress. After the waitress gathered all our other dishes, she left, but returned quickly with one piece of baklava and two forks on a small plate and placed it between us. I realized this sort of felt like a date. Not that I had been on many dates to compare it to, but I imagined it wasn’t far off. It was a little weird given the situation, but it still made me want this with her, for real, even more.

The dessert was good, unfortunately. Which caused Kat to resort to making her moaning noises again as she ate. When she wasn’t moaning, she was licking the fucking honey off the fork. It was a new form of torture.

As we were finishing up, the waitress brought our bill. I grabbed it off the end of the table to pay. Kat grumbled but finally relented and allowed it. Soon after that, we were getting into our respective vehicles to head home for the evening. The paparazzi were still hanging around, so we opted for a smile and wave to say goodbye. Heaven forbid we get close to each other.

The whole ride home, the evening replayed in my mind. The way she kept looking at me. The way it felt to have her leg touching mine through most of the meal. The way she looked licking that fucking fork before sticking it in her mouth. I felt my dick involuntarily twitch.

“Fucking hell. Looks like I have something to take care of when I get home.”

Next: Week 4 (Part 2)

A/N: As you can see, this is only part 1 of week 4. If you haven't figured it out yet, I'm shit at judging the length of chapters based on my outline. 😂 So, yes, you will be getting a part 2 very soon. I'm shooting for posting next week. It's basically done. I just have a little bit left for the ending and proofing...and maybe some fun edits. It will probably end up being around the same word count as this one (maybe a little less). It will also mostly be Kat's POV. Why? Because we will be getting Alec's major fuck up. There may be a little bit from Dieter at the end, we'll see how I end up wrapping it up. Once again, we have a lot going on in week 4. Dieter is going through it after finding out Kat has given Alec another chance. Are we yelling at these two to figure their shit out yet?

We of course had more nonsense from Stacia and Joe. We will get more from them in the second half too. They are pulling all sorts of strings behind the scenes.

We also had some breadcrumbs about Dieter's history. How are we feeling about that? How do you think it could have affected him? How could it affect things going forward?

We also got a little more Cat/Plant Daddy Dieter in this one. Swoon!

Please do share your thoughts and predictions for the second half. You know I love it when you guys yell at me and jump into conspiracy theory mode!

💜Mysty

The video for this chapter is a fun little Jive to Tina Turner’s Rolling On the River. Enjoy!

youtube

CP Tags: @titlee78 @legendary-pink-dot @survivingandenduring @wannab-urs @harriedandharassed

@hisandsnakes @misstokyo7love @readingiskeepingmegoing @runningmom94 @sin-djarin

@cakipy-blog @missladym1981 @guelyury @weho2kcmo @alokaerza

@girlofchaos @trulybetty @rhoorl @bitchwitch1981 @madnessofadaydreamer

@darkheartgatita @jazzloveslatte @timpletance @musings-of-a-rose @samiamproductions

@myloveistoolittle @for-a-longlongtime @copperhalfcent @auteurdelabre @drewharrisonwriter

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@pedrostories

#pedro pascal #pedro pascal fanfiction #pedro pascal fanfic #pedro pascal characters #dieter bravo #dieter bravo fic #dancing dieter #cat dad dieter #plant dad dieter #dieter bravo smut #dieter bravo fluff #soft dieter #slow burn #closed position series #Youtube

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girl4music · 16 days

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Happy 29th anniversary to the pilot episode of XENA.

Original air date: September 4th, 1995.

Directed by Doug Lefler. Written by Robert Tapert.

Lead starring Lucy Lawless as Xena.

and Renee O’Connor as Gabrielle.

I will watch and write meta about other TV shows.

I will watch and write meta about other TV ships.

But nothing I watch or write meta about in this world will ever come close to matching my fan passion and loyalty to the TV show ‘Xena: Warrior Princess’ and the TV ship Xena and Gabrielle. They are my one true love.

What ‘Sins Of The Past’ does once you’ve seen the whole TV show and watch the episode back over is it shows you how intertwined these soulmates already are as the event of them meeting saves their lives and once you are aware of the wheres and whys of this - the show itself completely changes into something more valuable than you initially saw and understood. I recommend people go back and watch it and only view it as a love story from the very beginning because the way it hits you when you do is just mind-blowing.

They set up a beautifully complex and layered WLW love story between Xena and Gabrielle without really realizing that that’s what they were doing because it’s such a very natural and authentic queer storytelling of two strangers that find home in the soul of each other.

"There’s not a word yet, for old friends who’ve just met” is a lyric in a song written by Paul Williams and Kenny Ascher from ‘The Muppets Movie’. Writer and co-executive producer, who wrote many of the most formative episodes of ‘Xena: Warrior Princess’, Steven L. Sears affectionately ascribes that lyric to Xena and Gabrielle because he believes it perfectly describes the incredible soulmate connection that the two main characters share right from the very beginning of the TV show. And I would have to say that I agree with him on that because no matter what alternative Universe, Uber timeline, reincarnated lifetime or afterlife it is, they meet each other and they develop an attraction to and affinity for each other that seemingly goes way beyond basic friendship and romance and they have a dynamic that is so strong, so substantial and so damn profound that the studio gave up on censoring them. It’s a dynamite chemistry that can be felt so viscerally that you can watch the episodes countless times over and still pick up on fresh new things about the way these two characters are with one another and how they balance and complement each other so perfectly that they’re basically the human representation of yin and yang. And you can read my Xena and Gabrielle: Character study thesis to learn what I mean by that.

Their relationship is incredibly well-written in that it’s so carefully and conscientiously slow-burned and evolved from friends into lovers that it will make it impossible not to ship them together. Believe me - even if you’ve seen Xena before, you haven’t seen it like this. You haven’t seen it as a WLW love story from the beginning to the end. But once you do, you will be attached to it in ways that will make you just like me.

That is… Lifelong dedicated to and enamoured with it.

This is a TV show that finished airing in the year 2001 but it’s been my everything since I first discovered it at 5 years old just flicking through the UK channels bored out of my mind or so my parents have told me.

I cannot even begin to imagine of who I’d be without this TV show and TV ship in my life and I know no other will ever come close to it or them for me for the rest of my life. So all day today I am spending my time celebrating not just the TV show’s anniversary of its pilot episode but also Xena and Gabrielle’s anniversary of meeting and becoming the greatest love story ever told in TV art/entertainment history. They’re iconic and legendary in the LGBTQ community for a reason. That reason is that they’re the first and, honestly, still the best WLW/queer representation that can ever be witnessed and engaged with on the TV screen. The factors as to why that’s true are many,… but mainly… it’s because they were allowed to exist and evolve together as the only lead main female characters in such a way that no other WLW ship on TV ever would or could do so again. They may have been severely censored as an explicit romantic and fully maintext confirmed and committed couple on screen but the creators never let that prevent them from providing a depiction of an all-encompassing love that was much like a romance and still went beyond a romance. Xena and Gabrielle’s love went way beyond the boundaries of romance. I’m not ever saying it’s not that. I’m just saying that it’s more than that and that’s exactly what makes it even more romantic than anything else ever created at least in the TV format and paradigm it was.

Since then, the landscape has changed so drastically that TV WLW/queer ships are never given what they got. Which was a 6 seasons, 22-24 episodes-long epic journey of them just being each other’s absolute EVERYTHING. You can see, hear and feel every single moment of that in who Xena and Gabrielle are as both individual main characters and as a main character dynamic because they do not ever neglect any real and raw aspect about them. The only thing you do not ever get to see between them - although it is heavily implied often - is sexual intimacy. That really is not a loss because everything else that should or needs to be there is there way more than it is with any other WLW/queer TV ships in any other TV shows because they’re lead main characters. In fact… they’re the only lead main characters that are credited throughout the entire run of ‘Xena: Warrior Princess’ and, honestly, sometimes I do wish TV ships in other TV shows would censor themselves every now and again so that they would be forced to dig deeper into the nuances and details as much as they did with Xena and Gabrielle.

I know many would disagree with me here but I’m adamant that the censorship helped them more than it hindered them because what you got instead with them was such a powerful representation of true love that didn’t have to rely on sex to represent it. I know that they couldn’t be shown to be sexually intimate because it wasn’t allowed to be sexual. Nowadays it can but I find that sex is used too much now when it shouldn’t be because a real life WLW/queer ship is more than sex and that’s why Xena and Gabrielle is still better representation even in this day and age.

It’s a combination of queer censorship, unbelievably strong chemistry between the leads and the creator/cast/crew’s sincere intention with queer storytelling that gave us the truly EPIC WLW love story that we got with XENA and I wouldn’t have it any other way because, for me, that is everything I could ever want.

So if you love this TV show and TV ship, please join me in celebrating the timelessly magical experience it is by writing meta about what these things mean to you.

XENA: “You know, I’m sending you home in the morning.”

GABRIELLE: “I won’t stay home. I don’t belong there, Xena. I’m not the little girl that my parents wanted me to be. You wouldn’t understand.”

XENA: “It’s not easy proving you’re a different person.

*Gabrielle eyes her curiously, Xena throws a bundle of blankets at her, gestures to the other side of the fire*

You can sleep over there.”

XENA: “You know, where I’m headed, they’ll be trouble.”

GABRIELLE: “I know.”

XENA: “Then why would you want to go into that with me?”

GABRIELLE: “That’s what friends do. They stand by each other when there’s trouble.”

XENA: “All right, friend.”

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lullabyes22-blog · 4 months

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How are you so good at writing Silco's dialogue? It feels like I can hear his voice whenever I read your fic!

Thank you so much! Silco's voice is one of the trickiest to get right, so it's very gratifying to know his lines feel true to canon<3

Honestly, Silco has such a unique way of speaking. He doesn't sound like any character I've encountered before in media. At first blush, he comes across as your cookie-cutter Scar-coded villain, speaking with a subtle drawl, and an air of eloquent sarcasm and biting wit.

But that's where the similarities end.

Silco's a talker, for sure. But there's a cutting brevity to his sentences, almost like he can't be bothered to waste words. If you read his lines from the show out of context, you'll find that many of his sentences are more like questions posed in the form of observations. And when he speaks, there's a lot of subtext. He likes to keep the listener off-balance, always wondering, "is this guy actually talking to me, or is he just monologuing in his head?"

Also: his syntax is odd. Silco is extremely formal. He seldom uses contractions, and he never swears. Even when he's furious or stressed out, his diction never breaks (even if the accent starts slipping). His sentences are often very short and punchy, but there's also an art of obliqueness in there. He's a master at ending a conversation in the middle of a sentence, leaving his interlocutor wondering what comes next.

This may be controversial (largely because the poet is a misogynistic piece of shit), but I often liken Silco's dialogue as similar to Charles Bukowski's poetry.

Bukowski has an unrelenting cynical wit, succinctness, and a deep love for the word "fuck" that saturates the body of work even if the poems are not actually explicit. I always feel like Silco has the same tendency to subvert the banal, and turn a casual, throwaway comment into something gritty or profound. A lot of Bukowski's poems also deal with working class alienation and poverty, and there's a hardcore bastardly vitriol that is uniquely misanthropic in a way that feels true to Silco's worldview.

Also, fun fact: I hate Bukowski's poetry. He's a terrible, terrible man, and that disgust I feel towards the poet often bleeds into the way I handle Silco's dialogue in FnF.

This is not a nice person, and that's a crucial part of his character. He's an unapologetic anti-hero (anti-villain?) and I want his dialogue to reflect the darkness inherent in his actions and motivations. There's something irredeemably broken in his worldview, and that nihilism he touts as its own nobility is going to haunt him till the end of his days. Because life on the edges of monstrosity, in the dark, down in the dirt, doesn't make you inherently more 'honest' or 'brave' than those who actively choose to live in the light. In fact, I would argue that it makes you infinitely less honest because the darkness becomes a smokescreen to hide your own failings. It gives you plausible deniability. It's so much easier to believe that the world is inherently shitty and that you are an agent of justice taken to its blackest extremes, than to actively find ways every day to make the world a softer, brighter, and more inclusive place.

And to an extent, we can't even blame him, because in a place like Zaun, survival is all that matters. In such a zero-sum game, it takes someone inherently saintly to put the needs of the many above their own - or to martyr themselves in the process.

And we all know Silco's thoughts on martyrs...

Tl;dr:

Silco's dialogue is a weird balance between the brutal realism of his inner monologue, and the elegant, formal, and deceptively polite way he delivers his lines.

I bet he says 'Fuck', 'Prick', 'Cunt', 'Sod,' 'Bollocks', 'Shit', 'Piss' a lot.

But only in his head.

#arcane #arcane league of legends #arcane silco #silco #asks #forward but never forget/xoxo #forward (never forget)/xoxo #arcane headcanon #arcane headcanons #silco meta #silco headcanons #silco headcanon

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ellipsiseffervescent · 1 year

Text

I am once again going to talk too much about Rebellion

and how people don’t understand Homura. Here I would like to address the reasons why people call Homura evil/the antagonist, which is usually their reason for disliking Rebellion. My blog has basically morphed into an obsessive discussion on why that movie is my favorite and elevates the story, so I’ve covered a lot of these topics before, but I hope to make things more comprehensive here.

I’ve seen some people call Homura “corrupted” by the part of her that is a witch. Two thoughts on that:

Rebellion goes out of its way to show you that witches are not inherently evil. They have experienced serious pain and are spreading that pain before Madoka’s sacrifice. However, if this meant that witches were inherently evil, then why are Sayaka and Nagisa not? They are still witches- that’s why their witch forms are still a part of them.

Also, in Rebellion, Sayaka warns Madoka’s essence to not fear Homura, as “she’s the one who’s most hurt”.

I think that people misunderstand the theme of what a witch is overall. A witch is an inevitable reality of magical girls because being a girl in a patriarchal/Kyubey system is CRUSHING. The transformation into a witch is a coming-of-age step into womanhood. It comes from the culmination of mistreatments and systemic oppression girls inevitably become overwhelmed by. This isn’t to say that all women are forever overwhelmed, but it is an unpleasant reality that most women become awoken to. Think of the resolution of the Barbie movie, for instance, where (BARBIE SPOILERS) the characters need to “wake up” the others to the suffocating reality of living in a patriarchy. Same principle, honestly.

I also think that people sometimes interpret the Christian imagery in a stereotypical “good vs evil” way than looking at the situation, especially when it comes to Homura’s demon label and Madoka’s sacrifice.

I’ve talked about this a lot so I won’t go into too much detail, but I believe that the series is going out of its way to create its themes around the dark reality of the self-sacrificing nature of girls. For a brief recap:

Making wishes for someone else is considered taboo

Madoka mattered as a girl. Throughout all iterations of pmmm and its sequels, Madoka laments on the tragedy of magical girls vanishing from the world without anyone knowing and says in Rebellion that she would never want to go anywhere where she couldn’t be around her friends and family. Her mom had plans for them when Madoka grew up, her brother remembers her, and it drives Homura insane that she’s the only person who remembers the other timeline. Madoka was always worried that she wasn’t good enough at anything to have a place in the world and I truly have a hard time believing that this series is saying that young girls who don’t feel they have value anywhere else are best served to sacrifice themselves into oblivion. That’s basically been the history of women, forever.

Homura calls herself a demon because, “[Madoka] was sacred as a god and I couldn’t help but pull her from heaven and undermine her.” Throughout the Wraith Cycle, Homura commits herself to honoring Madoka’s sacrifice and new world order, so the phrase “and I couldn’t help but pull her from heaven undermine her” is, I think, more of a reflection of her self-loathing for going against Madoka’s wish and less of a true admission of evil, because I don’t think that Madoka’s erasure from the world was ever an okay thing. I think people get too hung up on “demon-bad” without thinking of the nuances of the imagery. I don’t believe that Madoka’s godhood is inherently good, and I don’t believe Homura’s demonhood is inherently bad. I think that Madoka’s godhood is more an alignment with self-sacrifice, and Homura’s demonhood is an alignment with desire, and I think that too much of either is a bad thing. It’s why they both needed to come together to eviscerate the Kyubeys.

I think that the label of “demon” makes Homura irredeemable to people and I think that people are deeply unforgiving of the not so pretty things that make us human. I’ve seen that a lot of what I assume are younger users are completely unforgiving to girl characters who go through things and make mistakes. I’m not even talking about Azula defenders (though I think there is a nuanced conversation there) but the Catra-type haters. As others have pointed out, ya’ll about women’s wrongs until a girl suffers a time loop to try to save the love of her life (who, lest we forget, begs Homura to shoot her in one timeline) and her friends and almost loses her mind by being the only person to remember the love of her life in the timeline that ya’ll think was the good one. I even hesitate to call it “toxic yuri” until the last movie comes out. Now, this isn’t to say that Homura has made no mistakes. I think the fact that her rewriting of the world to include the Kyubeys is going to be a BIG mistake on her part, and she did pull the identity of Madoka away from the Law of the Cycle against her wishes. But I think that to take everything Homura has done to try to save Madoka and even give Madoka the power to become the Law of the Cycle and say that she is irredeemable or toxic because she is traumatized…. It’s heartbreaking to me.

Moreover, this perception of Homura as irredeemable flies in the face of all this Christian imagery. Throughout the entirety of Rebellion’s ending (and as you’ll see further down) Madoka assures Homura that she loves her no matter what, that she is always there for her. Madoka in her fullness can see in intimate detail what Homura endured for her- literal YEARS of suffering yet never giving up- do you really think Goddess Madoka can’t and shouldn’t forgive Homura? Are the “good” guys in Christianity not all about forgiveness?

And finally, the real reason I made this long ass post: Homura and Rue from Princess Tutu are parallels. For those who don’t know: in Princess Tutu, the character Rue transforms into an “evil” persona- Princess Kraehe, daughter of the Crow. While Rue is convinced that she is now an agent of evil, the main character Ahiru/Duck insists that she is not. Also important to note is Rue may not rewrite the universe, but objectively commits more women’s wrongs than Homura. She rips the shards of emotion from her lover’s breast and tries to sacrifice innocent people’s hearts to her father, but the story does not paint her as condemned or irredeemable. She’s been lied to, groomed, and traumatized. She’s not an evil person, she’s a girl trying to navigate horrible circumstances, like Homura. Rebellion creates these parallels because Homura is forgivable and it wants you to know that.

So anyway, first parallel is the outfit. Demon Homura is SOOOOO inspired by Kraehe it HURTS:

And finally, Rebellion went so hard to reference this scene:

PLEASE put on sound they translate it differently but here she says "homura chan is homura chan"

so yeah if you stuck around thanks! love u muah

#madoka magica #homura akemi #puella magi madoka magica #pmmm homura #pmmm #princess tutu #princess kraehe #Princess Tutu spoilers #support womens wrongs #but actually support them #madoka kaname #madoka magica rebellion #walpurgisnacht rising #walpurgis no kaiten

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heyidkyay · 10 months

Text

And I'm petrified of being alone, now |

Part One

Matty Healy x reader

Summary: She’s just trying to get by, really. What with being a single parent to her four year old son whilst simultaneously trying to kick start a successful career as a radio presenter. She’s got everything she’s ever wanted though, friends close by, a mum who’s merely a phone call away, and of course her baby boy. What else is there to wish for? But then, it’s not long before her relatively normal life gets upended and turned on its head, and she’s suddenly forced to deal with situations she’s never even thought to imagine.

What happens when one mention of a certain controversial singer on her show sends a flood of unexpected challenges her way?

Warnings: This is gonna deal with a lot of controversial shit surrounding Matty and his past I'm ngl, so if you're not into that then I'd suggest not reading this! But if you are, then hi!! I hope you enjoy?

Authors Note: I'm back...:)) Back with a series too, or it will be if this first part goes down well! Lmao so pls don't hate it! Butttt in all honestly, I do have to quickly thank @procrastinatinglikeapro for all the kind words she gave me on the snippets I annoyed her with recently and for forcing me to actually believe in this fic because I very much was on the fence about posting again. So thank youuuu, it means a whole lot<3 Also, the skeleton of this was taken from a very old fic of mine which I started during the height of covid that I've just been thinking about trying to better for a long while now, so... enjoy?

And I guess let me know if this is something anyone would want to read more of? Yeeeeah, I really don't know what else to write here now, it's been a while, so! Hi, help, bye:)

Masterlist

Chapter 1: He's got the whole world falling at his feet

“Yeah, yeah! I’m really into their sound at the minute! Honestly fell in love with their recent performance at the VMA’s– didn’t overdo it and kept it true to themselves. Definitely did a great job there, so well done with that one if you’re listening in, lads!”

I was grinning from ear to ear as I spoke into the microphone before me, which was to be expected whenever I was at work. Strange, yeah I know, but only to any typical person with the usual nine to five, because I truly did love my job. It was tough work, strenuous at times, contrary to what most might believe, but it was pretty much everything I’d ever dreamt of.

See, I’d grown up on the outskirts of this tiny village in the Isles, where everybody knew everything about everybody. Secrets were never well kept– you could just ask our local priest about that one, who often used to regale most of the confessions he’d heard in the only pub around for miles whenever he’d been pissed beyond being able to sit on his barstool.

It was also incredibly tight-knit, as in, all the kids who went to school together, then grew up and married one another, settling down and taking over the jobs that their parents or grandparents would soon retire from. Hardly anyone moved away, if ever.

In reality though, it was actually just a place I’d always felt like a stranger in. Where I’d struggled to fit in and make friends, to form bonds outside of the one I shared with my mum.

Which sounds sad speaking about it, but still true, I’d had a real tough go of it back in school. ‘Mouse’ was what they’d seemingly dubbed me back then, a nickname which had travelled throughout the masses all too quickly seeing as there had only been about sixteen kids in both my year and the one above.

The name had mostly started due to me just having been an extremely timid child, hiding behind my mum’s flowing skirts whenever we went into town and much preferring that of my own company whenever other kids were mulling about. But that fact hadn’t gotten any easier for me once I’d been forced out of school for a few years after an accident that had flipped my entire life on its head. Resulting in me being further isolated from the rest of the world and my fuck-face of a father running for the hills.

Still. Shit happened, I supposed, and I’d been forced to deal with it and grow up.

Too quickly, in truth.

So whilst everyone else had been out living, I’d been holed up in our little dove cottage miles away from them all, with only books and music to keep me company. Music which had been a true constant in my life and just about the only thing that had gotten me by.

As well as my mum, who’d forever be my rock. And back when we’d both been growing up– because that was how it’d always felt with us– she had constantly had the tele on full blast throughout the day, cycling through the freeview channels that played the recent top 50 and old school classics.

It was one of my favourite things to look back on now. Sometimes if she was ever in the mood, or when the power would finally flicker and go out completely when a storm hit, she’d spin this old phonograph her own father had gifted her in the days before she’d left home. The two of us would dance around the living room whilst she would clean on Saturday mornings and then hum to it as we settled in for a long downpour, her working on her trusty crossword whilst I would read or draw. The brass pavilion would croon out old French records she had bought long before she’d moved to the UK, and before she’d ever even met my father.

And I would just lose myself in it all.

It wasn’t just the basic premise of music that I had enjoyed though, it was everything else that also came along with it. The opinions, the reviews, the personal stories and thoughts, the way it could make a person think and feel.

So, for years I would just sit down at the kitchen table and write for hours on end about the sound, the rhythms I’d felt and heard, the lyrics that had had me bellowing out or playing on a never-ending loop in my head. And then, as a teen, Twitter had come along and had been just another way for me to express it all.

It was actually Twitter that had eventually led to all of this.

The radio.

At first, I’d never paid much mind to all of the people who had started to discover the small page I’d created, the few users that had enjoyed reading my inner thoughts. But then one day I had and it had been an insane concept to comprehend, the very idea that people cared enough to stop and read my thoughts, but it was also what had, ultimately, pushed me into continuing with it.

From there, opinions on genres of music and their style throughout different decades quickly turned into thoughts on up and coming artists, then actors and other A-list celebrities. So I had ended up spending an awful lot of time online, simply just tweeting about it all, on subjects followers had wanted to hear about and answering questions on whether I loved a certain album or this new EP.

The account had grown rapidly shortly after and by the time I’d had the balls to tell my mum I had wanted to leave home and make a start for myself, in London of all places, the account I used had gained well over fifteen thousand followers.

I went to uni down there and met people. People who didn’t shy away from me or shine a light on my odd quirks. I met my best mate there, too. And Finn was unlike any other. The platonic love of my life, or so I’d since dubbed. He was eccentric, witty, and didn’t care about what anyone else thought of him. Forced me to feel that way too, slowly but surely. And it had only taken a few weeks before he'd grown rather suspicious of my constant need to always have my phone near.

He had, pretty early on, decided that I must’ve had some secret boyfriend back at home that I’d yet to tell him about and had annoyed me about it at every twist and turn, basically backed me into a metaphorical corner. So to say I’d relented fairly quickly wouldn’t be a lie, and I’d told him all about the account soon enough.

Finn had actually been the one to suggest that I take it further, somewhere bigger, make it into something that people could actually tune into and not just read about. I had taken the consideration on board way back then, but had only acted on it when shit had hit the fan a year or so later. But we'll soon get into that.

So with it all, I ended up making an actual radio show out of my thoughtless Twitter account, allowing people to listen in and actually get to know the person behind the name.

That was essentially how ‘Mouse On A Mic' had come to life.

Yup, I’d kept the fucking nickname! I couldn’t not in truth, it was familiar, reminded me of the person I once was, and who I currently am now. But the only difference was, I’d given it a new story. I’d reclaimed it.

The show's audience grew fairly quickly during that first year, I was new on the scene and seemingly refreshing. I had a no-bullshit kind of attitude that my listeners apparently admired. I called celebs out on their crap and went to new extremes to conjure up inventive ways to get followers involved.

Ultimately ended up doing things that other radio presenters were too afraid to do at the time. Which was fair enough, in hindsight, they had actual endorsers and brands that were backing them up and funding their streams. Me, on the other hand, I had no-one to answer to for my mistakes or any of the backlash the show received. It was just me, sat alone in my bedroom, speaking into a mic.

Only, a few years had since passed and now it was me sitting in a quaint little studio in East London, not too far from my flat and walking distance from any and every coffee chain that the city had to offer.

Anyway, I forced myself to adjust my headset over my right ear as I wheeled closer to the table, aware of the one too many monitors and power cables I had to constantly avoid, and glanced upwards, locking eyes with my co-producer, Adi.

The girl shot me a hurried gesture, a circular wave of her hand that had me chuckling to myself even as I silently waved her off, knowing I’d already gotten off track one too many times this recording.

"Alright! It seems as though we've got to move on with the next segment of the show now! Unfortunately, Ads here has informed me that I can't just sit around all day and talk about Inhaler forever. A right shame that, don’t you think?”

I huffed theatrically whilst Adi merely shook her head in return, dark ringlets brushing the length of her shoulders as she mouthed the word 'prick' through the thick sheet of plexiglass that separated us.

Ignoring that loving endearment in favour of continuing on with the commentary, I hoped I hadn’t steered too far off track seeing as there was still an awful lot scheduled for today's show that I had yet to go over.

“So moving on!” I sighed on into the mic and rubbed my palms together, eyes flitting over the few sheets of paper I had perched before me, “It seems like quite a few of you lot, over on Twitter especially, have made it loudly known that you want to hear my thoughts on Manchester’s very own Matthew Healy. God, is there yet another scandal under his belt I don’t yet know about? Makes me wonder where he’s finding the time.”

I shook my head briefly at the bulleted point I’d been given and rolled forward in my seat. The wheels squeaked beneath my weight and I made a silent prayer that the mics hadn’t picked up the sound.

What a fucking topic, I thought quietly to myself and sent Adi a semi-amused smile before peering down at the recent headline she had handed over to me earlier that morning.

It was the same old thing. Expected really at this point.

“Healy’s at it again! Whatever will we do?” I gasped, playing up the whole thing as I stared down at a few images of the haughty singer that were plastered across the printout I held in front of me.

There were four of them, a quick succession of pictures that had all seemingly come from a clip at a recent concert. Bit blurry but the title gave away to what was happening.

A laugh bubbled up out of my throat as soon as I read the headline. “Oh God! It appears Matty Healy is– wait for it!– back at it again, only this time it seems he’s gone and traded off a drumstick for…” I paused to drum quite the anticipating beat against the tabletop of my desk and, as stoic as I possibly could, I then added, “A joint!”

A smug grin slid its way up onto my lips when I heard Adi’s faint cackle echo from just outside the booth.

“Honestly, I swear that everything this man does makes the rags! Reckon I actually saw an article about how he took his tea this one time. And like, do me a favour, yeah?” I rolled my eyes but relented, “A man of the people though, in’t he? He’s got to be! I mean, just look at this headline. Fucking who the hell writes this shit?”

Tossers, I supposed. But even so.

“It’s madness.” I muttered, gently clucking my tongue as I shook my head at the so-called news that had made the front page. “But anyway, I’m guessing that most people claim him to be the epitome of a real time rockstar, and sure, he might just be. 'Sex, drugs, rock & roll', all that shit. But really, how much longer is it going to last until everything goes tits up, hey?

“I mean, Healy can pretty much do whatever he wants at this point in his career, he’s got half the world either falling at his feet or complaining about him- has done since he was what, a kid? Following his parents amongst the shadows of their fame before he eventually stepped out and made an actual name for himself. Saying that, it still is insane to see how much he’s changed!”

And it was. Healy and his band had risen to fame so evidently, their music everywhere, they sold out shows constantly and had the privilege to fly across the globe doing whatever they pleased. But they’d also practically grown up in the limelight, Matty especially. So it was hard not to notice the resounding changes that shone through in all the news and gossip that ran riot.

“But, if I am being truthful.” I went on to say, thumb toying with the page’s sharp edge, “And when am I not? I thought that most of the shit that went around about him at first was a load of crap– publicity of sorts, if you get where I'm going with that. Or maybe just him being an idiot, a young lad who’s had to grow up with all these cameras consistently on him and had to basically learn what he can and can’t say in front of them. Slipping up from time to time, like most do. But, now? I’m honestly not too sure… It’s just a bit sad. Isn't it? There was so much potential there.”

I shrugged, a hearty sigh falling with my shoulders.

“I actually used to quite like his stuff a couple years ago, he’s got a way with words, with music overall really. Reckon if he’d gotten his shit together that he probably could’ve been ranked higher up on the list of rockstars. Could’ve changed or paved a way for newer musicians entering the scene. But not so much anymore. His songs lack the passion they once had, they’re not what they used to be. He works hard, I’ll give him that. Still, I can’t help but wonder if it’s just his band pulling his dead weight along with them now.”

I took a slow breath, then gazed down at the small amount of sticky notes I had pinned to the monitor beside me: the next segment. I’d have to wrap this one up quickly.

“Maybe that’s a bit harsh.” I said, chewing on my lower lip, “But honestly, I just hope that he takes an actual break sooner rather than later. The band looks spent and he just seems like he could do with some shut eye, some time away from all the cameras and prying eyes. Just so he can sort himself out good and proper, you know? Then again, that’s just my opinion among a sea of many.”

In truth, I really did think that Matty had real talent, that raw kind, and he seemed like a nice enough guy– or at least he had done, a couple of years back, before all the controversy and whatever else.

Now though, the man just seemed so caught up in it all, in the fame, the tabloids, the drama. Unaware of just how far he’d fallen.

Me, I’d seen it one too many times before, with many of the greats even, and as painful as it was to watch, what more could I say or do? I'm nobody in comparison.

I blew out a short breath.

“Fuck, that got all serious didn’t it?” I tried to laugh it all off and only felt a little more at ease when I finally glanced up and caught Adi’s sincere smile, “Anyway, onto our next segment, reading a couple of your lots tweets! Let's see what everyone's saying about our amazing Adi today, shall we? What was it last week, Ads, those yellow trousers you were wearing?”

“Oi, will you two please stop mucking about? We’ve got to get going!” I scolded without any actual heat, shaking my head as I held back a chuckle, forever amused by the infamous pair stood a way away from me.

I’d not long since left the studio, having walked with Adi to the nearby tube station so that she could hop a train home before I had headed on over to Finn’s. It was a typical route for me and not too long of a walk, but since arriving I’d been roped into packing up the many belongings that had been messily upended from the Spiderman backpack I was so often seen carrying about.

My gaze skittered over to the other side of the room once I’d teethed together the bag’s plastic zipper, over to where my son, Teddy, was currently in the midst of being whirled around by his godfather, tawny coloured curls flying in every-which direction whilst his cheeky grin grew even more prominent.

I felt the corners of my mouth lift upwards as I watched my best mate laugh at whatever it was the toddler had just said to him, tickling the boy’s sides as he did. If I was feeling incredibly sappy, I’d tell Finn then just how thankful I was to have him around, because he truly was incredible.

From the moment I’d found out that I was pregnant, Finn had been there for me. He loved my son almost as though Teddy was his own, he adored the kid like no other and had placed him on a pedestal high above everyone else since the day he was born.

Finn was always free to take Teddy whenever I had the show to fret about too, or if I was ever in dire need of another helping hand. He was fiercely protective of the two of us and I knew in the very depths of my heart that there would never be a hair harmed on my son’s head so long as he was around.

I was pulled from my thoughts just as the toddler in question came bounding over, giggling uncontrollably as Finn chased after him, his arms stretched out wide and crouched down low to mimic the small boy's height. I couldn't help but notice the matching grins they both wore.

“Help!” Teddy squealed as he flung himself into my awaiting arms, allowing me to wrap him up and settle him safely on my hip, using my frame as a shield to block him from Finn’s view.

"You can't hide from me Teds, I’ll always find you!" Finn taunted playfully, laughing merrily whilst he wiggled his fingers at Teddy, who was only just peeking out at him from over my shoulder.

Teddy squirmed in my grasp, giggling and screaming senselessly as he tried to dodge Finn’s oncoming hands that had since managed to softly graze his sides. I could only roll his eyes in fond exasperation, the pair never failing to brighten my day, and couldn't help but feel ever so grateful for whatever being had brought Finn into both mine and Teddy’s lives.

You see, Finn was the closest thing I’d ever had to a brother, let alone a best friend. He’d been the family I’d never known I’d needed, a home away from home. And I knew that I could always count on him for just about anything and he had proved that the day I’d turned up on his doorstep in the pissing rain one Tuesday night, utterly terrified after having just found out that I was expecting.

“Alright, you lot!” I began, batting away one of Finn’s advancing hands as he made to grab at Teddy's tiny ankle. “We've got to get home in time for your bath and tea, and I think Finn here has to pick up Liv from work.”

I was directing my voice towards the toddler in my arms but also sent a knowing look Finn’s way, one which caused the man’s eyes to widen in immediate realisation. ‘Liv’ was actually the lovely Olivia, Finn’s newest fling– only she had managed to last quite a while longer than the rest, a new record for him really.

“Shit, yeah.” Finn muttered mostly to himself before he hurried on over to his desk in the far corner. I could only laugh quietly, Teddy joining in too when he noticed, and watched on as Finn hastily started to grab at an array of items, shoving them into his jean pockets. Phone. Wallet. Keys.

When he was finished, and somewhat out of breath, Finn spun back around towards us and shot an accusing brow our way, not too pleased about having been the source of our mirth. Teddy and I couldn't help ourselves then and laughed a little harder at his impervious expression.

But with that all done and over with, I simply pressed my nose against the side of Teddy's head and smiled contently into his curls whilst Finn merely rolled his eyes at the two of us, chuckling before he made a start for the door. I followed just behind him, Teddy's backpack slung low over my shoulder and a happy little boy nestled in my arms.

***

People lover @/user1 Imagine being a mediocre radio host and thinking you know the ins and outs of the music industry.. #CancelMouse

102 @/user2 Don't mind me, reckon I just found my new favourite radio show:)

Ugh! @/user3 Mouse sounded proper excited today but switched up so quick when that 75 bloke came up://

Soloveme @/user4 Hate to see people supporting toxic behaviour, sit down.

Milk @/user5 Don’t hate me, I'll forever be a matty girlie!! But @Mouseonamic I kinda agree??

Paris @/user6 Do you think he’s seen it yet? > Too_shy @/user7 Probably, it’s trending rn >> Drummepls @/user8 Hope he’s okay and doesn’t take it as a personal attack..

He should’ve known really.

He should’ve fucking known.

Even in his drunken state he should have known not to look at what they were all fucking saying about him. Slumped on the floor of his hotel room, propped up against the bathroom door, too exhausted to think about moving, let alone try.

He’d only heard a small snippet, caught the last of a conversation on it in a cab ride back from the club the band had found themselves in. But he had heard it, and he had listened.

"He's got the whole world falling at his feet." He fucking wished. "Changed." Too right. "A load of crap- publicity of sorts, if you get where I'm going with that- but now I'm not too sure." Laughable, man. "It's just a bit sad." The story of his fucking life. "Potential." When’s he never not disappointing someone? "Lacks passion." Passion lies in living, mate, and he hasn't felt alive in a very long time.

"Not what it used to be." Who he used to be.

He lit another cigarette from a crumpled pack he’d pulled from his back pocket and watched on as a curl of smoke unfurled in the air. He only wished he’d gone and brought something upstairs with him, or grabbed one of them little bottles from the minibar before he had decided he’d needed a piss. But if he closed his eyes hard enough he could imagine it all going dark, the world just fading around him, and the cigarette was suddenly enough.

Though, even then he still couldn’t quite muffle the loud, pitying laugh that escaped him as he continued to scroll through the mass of tweets that never faltered on his phone. They were like a freight train, unable to stop.

Matty wiped his nose on his sleeve.

Never had he ever felt so fucking lost. Desperate for everything to just pause for a simple second. To stop and just leave him alone for a bit. To have the world let him wallow in the dark dank pit he's hollowed out for himself.

But what a fucking life, hey?

Carelessly, Matty thumbed across the dimming screen, his intoxicated mind too focused on the task at hand to remember why exactly it was he was even sitting there on the cold bathroom floor. Something to do with Hann, he supposed, or George. Perhaps another heated encounter? Probably.

The sound of his phone's keyboard echoed off the surrounding walls and he breathed out a self-depreciating chuckle when he clicked send on the tweet he’d been attempting to curate, not caring enough for the consequences. Hardly even thinking, in truth.

He was far too gone to care anymore, already knew firsthand what the repercussions would be tomorrow. But at that moment, he just wanted honesty. To tell the truth, for once. To let them all know that he knew he was a shit excuse for a person.

What more could the world possibly say anyway?

Everyone around him was the same. He was simply just a puppet on a string. They’d make him sing and dance until the day he finally wrapped those wired strings tightly around his neck, and then all they'd be able to do is sit back and watch the show. And he'd enjoy every unabating second of it.

Matty @/trumanblack 10s ago Radio shows are sick man, gotta love them! And I sort of am sad haha. And I do lie? We all lie, I spose. But just listen to the radio, kids! Open your ears!

He laughed silently after, thoroughly amused with himself, and tossed the phone off somewhere off to the side so that he wouldn’t have to look at it again.

Bullshit. It was all just fucking bullshit.

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heathersdesk · 3 months

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One of my favorite follows on TikTok is Reverend Oliver, a trans pastor in West Virginia whose whole thing is trying to teach leftist people how to shed their worst impulses and inclinations to be better members of their communities. He is a firm advocate for genuine connection, leftist cooperation and community building with those on the right, and the kind of activism that is truly transformative and leaves no one behind.

He made a post, in an ongoing conversation about ways for leftists to identify opportunities to connect with their larger communities, that listed some of the fronts where leftists need to consider society's unmet needs. He included child care and elder care on that list. He also included addiction recovery resources.

Seeing an opportunity for the kind of interfaith connection he's always talking about, I pointed out that the LDS Church has free addiction recovery programs that anyone in the public is invited to attend, regardless of religious affiliation. And unlike other resources like the bishop's storehouse, no interaction with ecclesiastical leadership is necessary or expected. You can just show up, get support, and leave without any expectation of obligation, financial or otherwise, to our church. And honestly, a healthy dose of reality for the program from voices outside of our own community might temper some of the attitudes in our own community about pornography and compulsive masturbation being equivalent to an addiction.

So tell me why a random ex-Mormon took it upon themselves to begin an argument with me in Rev. Oliver's comments about the LDS Church leadership and past animosity towards queer people, that it isn't a safe space for them, that all queer people are forced into conversion therapy (which is false), and people show up in ARP with things that aren't even addictions.

Even after I told that person I'm queer affirming, that I believe these are things the Church can and does need to change, that I have actively been working on those improvements through my church membership since Prop 8, they just kept going. I became the dumpster for their unresolved anger towards the institution, even though I'm a total stranger and have nothing to do with anything they were complaining about. I have never put any queer people into conversion therapy and never would. I'm not Dallin H. Oaks and never tortured queer people at BYU. I think the Church has many sins it needs to answer for in relation to its treatment of queer people. At no point did I disagree or argue against anything that was true. For all intents and purposes, this person and I probably agree about a lot of things.

So why were they still attacking me? I'm actively trying to improve what upsets them without invalidating any of their feelings, and they're still upset with me. Why? What more do they want from me?

I find myself in this position with ex-Mormons all the time. With a tenure on Mormon Twitter that went from 2009-2023, I've seen every form and progression of ex-Mormon sentiment that could ever possibly exist. Especially because I left the Church for a time and did so with heartbreaks of my own. They don't know this when they approach me because they have no idea who I am, and I don't expect them to. But the irony is never lost on me that we could honestly be besties if they would shut and stop making assumptions about me long enough to hear what I'm saying.

And I mean that with my whole chest, and with all the self-recrimination that comes with it: ex-Mormons engage people in fights when they have no intentions of listening, achieving understanding, or engaging in constructive resolution with anyone in relation to the Church. They use people for emotional catharsis, and that's all they want from these interactions. I'm just supposed to sit there and take it. That's what they want. That's what they expect. And when I refuse to engage in the process as a receptacle for their disregulated emotions and the shame they want to make me feel, they get mad at me for not giving them what they wanted from me.

They don't see me as a person. They don't respect me or the work I do. They don't actually want to see the Church grow or improve beyond the ways it hurt them in the past because it means the Church and its people were always capable of doing that, just not for them. And they aren't prepared to feel or confront any of that, emotionally or spiritually. All they've ever wanted is a real apology and real change, but when it happens—when someone from the Church genuinely apologizes to them and tells them they deserved better, as I always do—it's not emotionally satisfying at all. The skies don't part, angels don't sing, and they don't feel any better.

It's like that scene from Malcolm in the Middle where Lois finally apologizes to Francis for being abusive to him when he's not expecting it, he freaks out because he had built up what that apology would look like and what it would accomplish in his mind, and he gets mad at Lois for ruining the fantasy in his mind. She doesn't know what to do, so she asks him if $20 would help. He takes the money in a state of confusion, but clearly still doesn't feel any better because it also doesn't help.

So I'm going to say the same thing here that I did there, for when this inevitably happens here: I'm not going to apologize for trying to make the Church a better, safer place for everyone. I'm not going to apologize for my association with the institutional Church, despite its failures and imperfections. I have made peace with my place here, the good I do, the impact I have, and the changes I am making. This is my church too, and despite what people think, there's room for me here. And as long as I'm here, the Church is a better and safer place for marginalized people because I've committed to making it that way. I don't expect anyone to stay when it's safest and healthiest for them to go, but I'm not going to join them. I already tried that and it was a waste of time for me.

If someone decides to place the validation of their choice to leave the Church on my refusal to go with them, that's not my problem. I don't owe anyone that. And their choice to do that doesn't entitle them to use me as an emotional jizz tissue for their anger at (and grief for) the institutional Church and other people in it I've never even met. Put it in a journal or take it to a therapist you pay for. Don't hand it to me, then get offended when I hand it back to you. It's not mine. If you don't want the nasty end results of your emotional outburst, what makes you think I do?

All of this to say to ex-Mormon folks who do this: have some self-reflection. Do you do this to people? Is it healthy? Does it accomplish any of your goals? Is it helping you to become the person you envisioned you would be when you left the Church? Have you fully formed in your mind who that person is? Have you fully and appropriately grieved for everyone and everything you lost? If not, what impact is that choice having on the rest of your life? And should you be doing something about it instead of arguing with me?

Again, don't tell me. Put it in a journal. Tell a therapist. Or, even better, tell the person who actually hurt you. Because telling me isn't going to make you feel better. And you may not realize this yet, but it's tremendously difficult to be me, too. I'm the one telling your parents, siblings, grandparents, friends, neighbors, classmates, colleagues, co-workers, and other people in your life at Church that they need to treat you better—how to do it and what it looks like. You need me. What I do is important. It's also exhausting. And if you use up all of my energy in an argument with you, how am I going to do it? Do you think about that? Do you think about what it costs me to be the person you've already decided it's too exhausting for you to be?

I say this with all the love and encouragement I have: either help me or get out of my way. But don't make my job harder. Why would you do that? It doesn't serve you, me, or anyone else. It just makes you look bitter, makes me less effective at creating the changes you want, and all Mormons (former and current) look like we don't have our shit together. Because this isn't new. Every religious tradition on this planet has had to struggle and figure out how to create space for marginalized people. Every branch of Christianity has had to figure out their relationship to their own queer people, to stop actively hurting them and to embrace them instead. You're a part of this transition, even once you leave, by whether or not you perpetuate this animosity with people who stay. We all have to put down our weapons. The fighting will continue as long as anyone anywhere is still throwing punches.

If you're an ex-Mormon, be the best one there is. Be unbothered and totally disengaged from the Church and its problems. Create the life of your dreams with nothing from the past in it, if that's what you need. When the people in your life direct coercion and manipulation at you in relation to your spirituality and church disaffiliation, return to sender. Be so busy being your own best self, you don't have time for any of this.

That's what you deserve. That's what I want for you. That's what many in the Church who stay want for you, because we're not all selfish pricks who get our jollies from forced homogeneity and making people suffer. That's not even the majority of us. It's the people you're actually mad at. Stop treating us like we're all guilty by association. Have the courage to put the dog turd of your displeasure on their porch where it belongs, not mine.

#ex mormon #exmormon #exmo stuff #mormon #lds #mormonism #tumblrstake #the church of jesus christ of latter day saints #queerstake

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arkus-rhapsode · 11 months

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Gonna give some love to one of my favorite Radiant Dawn minor antagonists, Hetzel. And what he represents overall in Radiant Dawn.

Now when Hetzel shows up in PoR and Radiant Dawn he seems like an unassuming old man. Practically harmless compared to the other obviously evil senators. But the thing is, Hetzel is a great sign of somebody who is aware actions are wrong, but he never uses any of his own power to stop or take a stance.

He knows the Serenes Massacre plan is bad, but he doesn't really make any attempts to stop it. Because the truth is he's more ambivalent to the plight of the Herons. He bails out slaver and fellow Senator, Oliver, despite a whole point of Sanaki's campaign was to find the people still partaking in the slave trade and stamping them out. And while he makes no aggressive actions against Sanaki, he still is a part of the anti Apostle group of Senators. Yet despite all that he still frees Rafiel.

This is because Hetzel is probably one of the most mature criticism Fire Emblem has had of someone in power: Hetzel is ultimately a man who likes having power and maintaining the status quo. Unlike Lekain and other who their current position isn't just enough and need to keep aggressively expanding, Hetzel rather takes a position of doing what is best to main the power he has. Despite the fact he is aware that slavery and massacring is bad. He will still benefit if Lekain wins, but will never use any of his power to implement any significant changes. At best all he does is gestures of good faith.

Theocracy in Fire Emblem is honestly kinda shallow and very much a simplified version of it. That there is a religion that has some form of political power. And that one in charge is probably some person who pushes down on others because god tells them to. But Tellius seems to understand a theocracy isn't just about the dogma of a faith being implemented by the state and there for the only true religion and those with conflicting ideas must die, but rather those who benefit the most are the ones in the highest positions of the theocratic organization. Something that can be achieved less through actually believing but actually knowing how to rise in rank in a religious institution. All of the senators are Dukes, holding massive lands and they are the senior most members of their faith. While we know that warriors of the faith like Zelgius and others hold titles like Earl for their place in the military fighting for their faith. The theocracy of Begnion is one that isn't just about "because the Goddess" its a group of men who have grown rich and consolidated much of their riches and political position and now someone like Sanaki is going to upset this balance after they worked to avoid this happening with Apostle Misha. Delegitimizing Sanaki by revealing she's not the true Apostle would then pass over the power of the empire to Lekain and his cronies. And Hetzel was along for this ride for a long time.

And when finally confronted by Rafiel in the end, Hetzel only begs for forgiveness. He knows what he has done is wrong but pleas that he was kind to Rafiel so that means he's not all that bad. But Rafiel has nothing left to say. Hetzel did have a choice given where he was in the senate. And in the end he ultimately choose to go with Lekain's flow. And when Ike confronts Hetzel, all Hetzel refuses to surrender. He'll be disgraced. Even at the end knowing after everything and having one last chance to get out, he doesn't take it because his status is more important to him than doing the right thing.

Hetzel is a wonderfully pathetic villain and a genuinely good examination of those in power who passively allow bad acts even when they have a level of awareness. While there are a lot of people who like to dismiss many FE villains (and lets be fair) that aren't always that strong or that complex. But I always want to at least give praise to instances like Hetzel that make memorable antagonists.

#fire emblem #writing #fire emblem radiant dawn #tellius #hetzel #fe rafiel #fe ike #ike #sanaki #fe sanaki

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humbledragon669 · 3 months

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S1E4 – Saturday Morning Funtime Write Up P1 - Saturday (The last day of the World) up to The Fields of Megiddo

Please forgive the slight skipping ahead to get the banner for the time period, I’m a sucker for consistency and I like to start this write ups with a pretty picture so all the text doesn’t look so daunting. There’s a lot of narrative to get through in this episode, which is borne out in quick scene changes, so apologies if this write up comes across as a bit scattered. Housekeeping aside, I have something intriguing to point out in the opening scene. Captain Vincent (who in the script is described as William Shatner but seems to me more like a Liam Neesom type) records in the ship’s log that the ship is on course to Havana. Looking at the location of Atlantis on Crowley’s globe from later in the episode, I think they may have been blown somewhat off course:

But then, what would you expect from a cruise ship whose name is the medical term for an infectious disease (measles)? I do rather like the insinuation that cruise guests are so stupid as to believe the ship’s crew capable of raising an entire continent from the deep, complete with its citizens, purely for their entertainment though. Light-hearted as this scene is, it serves as a neat little bridge from the previous episode, where the last thing we saw was the consequences of Adam coming into his power, albeit in unexpected ways. It sounds like the voices are getting stronger and clearer for him now too, seeing as we’re able to make out words and full sentences this time around. And if we were at all unclear as to what exactly Adam’s powers consist of, he spells it out for us, his earnest words underpinned by come creepy child choir soundtrack to really hammer home their meaning:

What I say I true.

Just in case there was any doubt about the intelligence levels of the cruise guests, we have another little dig here in the form of a Facebook post by one of them.

The long-lost continent of Atlantis has suddenly appeared out of nowhere, which means the ship can’t go anywhere, but don’t worry – the Captain has sent a bottle of Champagne to make up for it. Cretin.

For those amongst you who aren’t native to the UK (or don’t watch the news, and honestly who would blame you), the newsreader in this scene is an actual newsreader (rather than an actress playing one) called Kirsty Wark. I think little things like this are really important to contributing to the charm and appeal of the series – it blurs the lines between the story and reality, but also really assists with the show’s relatability.

So, elephant in room question. Questions actually I think.

Why is Gabriel on Earth?

Why is Gabriel jogging on Earth?

Why is Gabriel jogging on Earth where Aziraphale is?

Why is Gabriel jogging on Earth where Aziraphale is, which also happens to be the place where Aziraphale and Crowley had their break-up the night before?

These are all questions I had from the very first watch of the show, and it’s never addressed. I just can’t get my head around any of it, perhaps because I get hung up on wondering if Aziraphale came back to the park or whether he’s still there from the night before. Maybe waiting to see if Crowley will come back. After that I’m not capable of thinking of much else in a logical way because that is just too angsty. What we do know is that Aziraphale is still nervous – he’s wringing his hands. Not nervous enough to not look intrigued by the human interpretation of an angel’s appearance though. Almost so intrigued he misses Gabriel. I can’t quite work out whether his expression says he’s surprised to see the archangel or whether he’s just spurred into action. If it’s the former, then I think we really are in the “Aziraphale has been hanging around the park all night pining” territory. If it’s the latter (which, I’m inclined to think it is, the directions in the script state that he’s looking for someone at this point), I’d really like to know how he knew Gabriel was going to be there in the first place. Either way, I really love the way that Aziraphale starts this conversation in the exact same way that his phone conversations with Crowley usually start (“It’s me.”) – it’s such a casual way to start a conversation, mostly reserved for situations where there is a level of familiarity between the participants that betrays how comfortable they are with one another. It’s also a very human interaction, one which Gabriel does not appear able to understand the nuances of – after all, it is a pretty obvious thing to say isn’t it?

I have to call attention to the level of detail that has gone into the production of this series here, and this time the credit goes to the costume department. They could have had Gabriel running in a very plain set of running clothes, but no – they had to go and add a little hint to his true nature, embroidered right there on his sweater:

So subtle, but it just goes to show how much thought went into every single aspect of this show. It might not be an intricately detailed suit, or a deliberately distressed demon outfit, but this tiny detail is still capable of reminding us of the true nature of the characters we’re watching.

I’m fairly sure that Gabriel’s assertion that the purpose of war is so that they can win it is probably the main reason why most wars are fought. Which is, quite honestly, batshit crazy. Gabriel doesn’t think so though – he can’t understand what Aziraphale’s problem is with this ridiculous catch-22 situation, oblivious to our angel’s very obvious distress:

I find the use of the word “soft” here interesting. I think the meaning of the word in Aziraphale’s mind is very complicated – he’s not really talking about his lack of physical prowess (not my opinion, just reiterating what Gabriel so hurtfully said previously) but his attachment to Earth as a whole, which would no doubt be perceived by Heaven as having gone “soft”. The irony is that his “softness”, perceived at this point by him and others as weak, is exactly what draws us to him as a character, forming an essential part of his make-up as a hero character.

Moving on, it looks like Lesley (the International Express delivery man) is quite the foreshadower of his own fate.

Ours is not to reason why. Ours is to deliver packages.

I’m sure most people will know that the way the second part of this line should end is nothing to do with delivering packages, but should instead be “to do and die”. It’s a very well-known quote, even if it is slightly altered from the original, from Tennyson’s Charge of the Light Brigade, underlining the fact that soldiers should not question the purpose of their service, only to perform their duties and give their life when necessary. Which is exactly what Lesley is about to do with his deliveries, even if he is ignorant of the fact that he’s been drafted as the harbinger of Armageddon.

Quick note: I love that view from Heaven! It’s another one of those little things that you only see for a moment, and if you’re not concentrating, you might think it’s just any old cityscape but let’s take a quick inventory, shall we?

From left to right:

The Eiffel Tower.

Big Ben.

Mountains.

Empire State Building.

The London Eye.

The Shard.

Pyramids.

There are maybe some others (in a later shot you can also see what looks like St Paul’s cathedral), but you get the idea – there’s no way that all of those things could be in one view - some of them are in different continents to each other. It’s a pretty cool view though, I wonder if you can Airbnb up there?

We now have the first firm indication that things are getting tricky for our hero pair. “Earth observation files” you say? That sounds decidedly problematic. I do love how Gabriel genuinely seems to think there would be an innocent explanation for an angel and demon to have met multiple times, though in his defence none of the photos he is presented with show the pair with anything other than neutral expressions. What this exchange does inform us of is that the suspicions surrounding Aziraphale have only been incited owing to his recent comments – he really has been fooling them completely for the last 6000 years, and even when they do catch on Michael’s first thought is that he’s a double agent. Not a bad record if you ask me. I think it’s pretty spiteful of Michael to turn Crowley in to Hell at this point – they must know that he’s not working for Heaven, and would be aware that Hell are probably going to take an even harsher stance towards any descent in the ranks they suspect.

Here we go, another (side) note of appreciation (it’s easy to rack these up when the emotional angst isn’t so high). I don’t know whether the chameleon on Ligur��s head is an animatronic prop or CGI, but the fact that it moves, seemingly independently, is yet another beautiful detail that is easy to miss.

Back with Crowley, we find out that he’s still intending on running. It’s here that we find out that he had a hand in creating some of the component parts of the universe, and we have the first mention of Alpha Centauri as being a favoured destination. It feels like an obvious statement to make that the choice of this particular constellation was owing to it being made of two words starting with “A” and “C” but Neil has been asked this question before and stated that its use was purely circumstantial. I’m not sure I fully believe that but maybe that’s just me. My heart goes out to Crowley in this scene – he looks truly defeated. So defeated that he actually tries to reason with God in a tone that could be described as pleading. And in contrast to Gabriel’s description of the reason for Crowley’s fall (that he was one of the rebelling forces against Heaven), we see here that Crowley’s take on the situation is quite different.

Four episodes in and we’re still being introduced to new characters – hello, Pollution. We are given some backstory about why this Horseman isn’t the traditionally-known Pestilence, and I think I read somewhere that this was a conscious substitution made by Neil and Terry to make it feel more relevant/current but I can’t find that source now. Interestingly, the name for the recipient of the crown is given on the delivery form as “Mr. White”, but Lesley refers to them as “Chalky”, a continuation of the theme that there are many names for each of the Horsemen, all of which allude to the same thing.

I find white to be an interesting colour association to make with Pollution – many of us would associate it with cleanliness and purity, the complete opposite of what this Horseman stands for.

Lesley’s final delivery instructions are communicated in a handwritten note:

He is clearly aware of the connotations of this delivery, leaving a note for his beloved Maud. Quite why he doesn’t just “fuck this shit” at this point is a mystery to me – I certainly would have done. Perhaps it’s a callback to his Tennyson quote from earlier. I do find myself wondering if he might have avoided Armageddon himself if he had just done the sensible thing though – after all, he has been (unknowingly) tasked with summoning the Horsemen of the Apocalypse, without which there can be no Armageddon. What if he had just refused to make the last of his deliveries? Regardless, the sequence representing his death shows firstly the colour starting to bleed out of the footage before he dissolves into starlight – a recurring theme in Neil’s work.

On to lighter things now – here’s Anathema doing that creepy thing of offering virtually unknown children food again. I love how Bryan’s initial concern about the chocolate is that he thinks it’s coming from a witch. Never mind “stranger danger”, what you really have to watch out for is those witches. Sounds like he’s well suited for a position in the Witchfinder Army.

It’s not unexpected that Shadwell has Jerusalem playing in his (gross) apartment, I think he probably plays that recording on a loop so as to continue feeding his delusions that his insanity is driven by a deep love for his country. The particular line of the song playing here (“in England’s dark Satanic mills”) is pretty well-timed though, seeing as it won’t be long until everything in England has a distinctly devilish tone to it. There’s also an irony to Shadwell’s farewell:

May the armies of glory march beside ye.

I don’t really think that’s a good idea, seeing as how they’re perfectly comfortable with wiping out the entire human race for the sole purpose of winning an argument…

There’s another throwback to Adam’s imagination becoming real in the next scene, with the UFO that Newton witnesses having the same design as the one we saw hanging from Adam’s bookcase earlier in the episode:

And I love the use of the theremin in the soundtrack – nothing screams an old school UFO and aliens more than the sound of a theremin!

Side note: the mention of a “neuter” gender by the alien is in the original book, written in 1996. I hope I’m not being offensive by crediting Neil and Terry with being massively ahead of their time in their support of the LGBTQ+ community there, and applaud them for being beacons of what we should all aspire to be.

Secondary side note: anybody else get Douglas Adams vibes from this alien conversation? For me it really conjures memories of a different universe where an alien race showed up to destroy Earth to make way for a new hyperspace bypass…

We’re back with The Them, with Wensleydale kindly reminding us that whales have big brains, for the third time in this series. I think it’s fair to say that we should be aware each of the children have their own distinct personalities, given the scripting and acting that we have seen up to this point. If we were in any doubt though, it’s really underlined by the fact that they each have a different type of ice lolly.

Again I say the level of attention to detail in this show is truly astounding. We’ll see more of it in the next scene where we see Ligur’s chameleon not only moving independently but that its skin actually cycles though a range a colours. That said, I do have a question about the information available to Anathema in the next scene:

The full prophecy on the card shows us a lot more information than is narrated in the show (like how she knew he was a Witchfinder, and that his descendant was responsible for the death of her own). What it doesn’t say is how she knows exactly the date and time of his arrival. That information isn’t even in any of the scribbled notes on the card. I guess we’ll never know how she comes to find this out.

And on that quandry, I’m going to wrap it up for this part of the episode write up. I realise it’s a slightly odd place in the episode to call it a day, but if I finish here I can use the Fields of Megiddo signpost to head the next part (told you I was a sucker for consistency). So as always, questions, comments, discussion – always welcome.

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