#because he remembers it all!! he has happy memories of that future he'll never experience!!! all because oda surviving is more important!!!

[spliqi]

i can't stop thinking about it. head in hands

emerges from the day i picked up dazai novel covered in blood

[breyito]

Sacrifice AU:

Inspired by this post by @homoquartz

An idea that I had following this line of thought (not that realistically would happen in the show, of course, but as a fanfic idea) was...

What if Edwin feels that Charles is so terribly unhappy, so obviously mourning for his lost life and a future (probably with Crystal, true or not) he will never have as a ghost, so he tries to find a way to make it happen.

He researches in every free moment he has (which are more and more, as Charles spends more and more time in the living world, with Crystal and/or Niko), and he finds it. Finds the obscure ritual to bring back a ghost.

The main problem is, it requires the essense/energy or several souls. And Edwin could never destroy other souls for a selfish reason, not even to make Charles happy.

But. Then he remembers.

Remembers Esther telling him (proving to him) that his soul, tempered by the fire and suffering of Hell, is stronger than others. Much stronger. Per her words, no other ghost she tried her machine on could survive a full minute of its torture, when Edwin survived for hours.

So he does what he is an expert at. He comes up with a plan and follows through with it, no matter how painful, exhausting, endless it seems at the moment. For Charles' happiness, it will be worth it. (He's so tired)

So, every time they close a big case and the others leave to celebrate; at least twice a month, he goes back to Port Townsend. He goes back to that house haunted by painful memories. Sits in front of the place where Niko died and connects the especialized conteiner to store the energy. Bites into a piece of metal and turns it on.

Just a few minutes. Maybe half an hour, if he knows he'll be able to recover in solitude after. (One full hour, once, when they couldn't save their client's daughter and Charles had gone with Crystal to help her grieve. Completely understandable, but still...it hurts, bruises something tender inside him. And experience has shown him that physical pain can sometimes dull other kinds of pain; so he remains sitting in the machine and screams and cries, and tries to forget any other hurt except the one that has a purpose. He's so tired.)

Sometimes he sees Monty watching the house, and waves at him through the window. Travelling by mirror, Edwin doesn't really need to leave the building, so cats aren't a problem. He still places a repellant barrier, just in case. He doesn't need either crow nor cat to know what he's doing.

It takes several months before he has enough energy stored. He's sure that with the last pieces of his soul powering the ritual, it can be completed. He's so tired. He's nearly done.

(He knows that it will be quite a shock for Charles to realize he's not present anymore; but he'll have a whole new life that will be so full and joyful and beautiful that Edwin will be a fondly remembered memory in no time at all.)

He plans to do it on a lunar eclipse, to boost the power of the spell. He has collected all materials, studied all the chants, painted all the runes. Everything is ready, he just needs to wait for the date. He's so tired. He gets more and more anxious the longer he has to wait, because he craves the realese of that damned machine, the way he doesn't feel weak for crying when he's there because it is real pain, not something intangible and useless. (He knows he can't use it again, because he's almost leaking energy already, and if he spills any more he's not confident he will have enough for the ritual). He gets twitchy, snappish, mean. Sometimes he vibrates through objects in a way he hasn't done in decades. He's so tired.

The others, finally, notice. (Why now, he thinks desperately, why now that I am so close? Mortal life, complete oblivion...everything is so close and now you choose to see me?). They try to talk to Edwin about it, but of course he brushes them off or simply leaves if they are too insistent. Charles is worried sick because he's never seen a ghost flicker and vibrate like that...not unless they were cursed or ill or about to dissapear. Edwin looks weaker every day, dimmer.

They aren't the only ones who noticed, tho. Monty has been weary since he saw Edwin reading Esther's books. When he finally manages to squeeze through the barrier, months and months after it was first placed there, he's horrified at the sight of the ghost boy crying on the floor, that terrible machine slowly powering down. He resolves to wait until the next time Edwin shows up, to try and get an explanation, get him to stop.

But Edwin doesn't come back. After three weeks, Monty breaks into the house and finds all kinds of papers that lay out the plan, the ritual, the cost. The moment he sees 'then, sweet oblivion' as an anotation on the ritual page, he gets into action. Grabbing everything he can with his claws, he marches to the Cat King. Thomas has to transform him back into a human to get the full picture, but they immediately decide to head to London and either shake some sense into Edwin by exposing the truth to Charles, or kick Charles' ass for going along with Edwin's plan (the Cat Kind doesn't discard having to do both, to be honest).

They manage to get to the office, but of course, Edwin isn't there. It's the day of the eclipse, and after they show the evidence to Charles (and manage to get him out of his down spiral of self hatred) they start frantically searching for him. Crystal reading the papers doesn't help; she only gets flashes of his pain and helplesness, his shaky hands scribbling out ideas.

Finally, after some inane comment that makes things click, they head to St. Hilarion's. (It was so obvious, in retrospect: of course Edwin would choose to bring back Charles to life in the place where he died). They search all the school buildings, desperate, because he's not in the attic. Why is he not in the attic?

He's on the lake. Frozen still, the snowy surface is a perfect canvas. Pearly tear drops fall and shatter upon impact as Edwin moves, placing the rune painted stones in the exact spots where they go.

The sky beings to darken as Charles bursts from the trees, screaming for him to stop. He runs with all his might towards the shore, but it's in vain.

Edwin has always been the fastest out of the two of them.

(A cricket bat smashes against the ice, enchantments woven through the wood making the surface crack. Fissures expand quickly, but the magic is still in the air, the enormous amounts of energy feeling like lightning before the rain.

Is it too late?)

[finniestoncrane]

Hi! Absolutely love your writing and I basically rebinge all your riddler content every now and then.

You've made me fall in love with all of them especially Young Justice! Riddler.

And I was wondering how would the riddlers react to meeting a villain reader during a dangerous situation.

You're like "Oh hey, you're cute." Adding in a compliment, before dashing away and leaving him in the dust without letting him get a word in.

I thought I'd be funny.

If you can't do them all, maybe young justice, dano, and/or Gotham?

Villain!Reader w/Crush

Riddler Headcanons eeeef this is cute!! and thank you so much! yj!eddie has become my babygirl and this prompt suits him so well 💚 request info • prompt list • send me a request • kofi • masterlist minors DNI!! 🔞 cw: flirting/suggestive things

zero year

as much as he pretends he's 'all that'

he actually never gets complimented

because he's a pain in the ass monster of a boy

but maybe someone just as villainous as him

someone who is also a pain in the ass

could see the perfect potential within him

enough to develop maybe a little crush on him?

and now he's forgotten what he was even doing out here

maybe that was the plan all along, damn

gotham

he's no stranger to love in the field

this idiot falls in love quick and fast and with anyone

especially if they're also a bit mischievous (or criminal)

so another villain declaring their love... well...

he's kinda 'been there, done that' so to speak

but it wouldn't put him off!

it's just going to take a little bit more than rushed flirting

if you really want him to be knocked off his feet

arkham

a strange thing to say, and he's not reciprocating at all

he has absolutley no time for that kind of distraction in his life

not unless you're willing to give up on your own criminal plans

and dedicate your time to his villanous endeavours

how are you with robots by the way... just out of curiosity...?

not that it matters! because he's not interested... but...

hey, you never know! it could all work out perfectly

living together in the sewers and building robot armies

you could get married standing on top of batman's corpse!

telltale

this is the only relationship he would consider

it helps that he's had his eye on you

from afar of course, just quietly admiring

because heaven forbid he admit that he feels normal things

but you've broken the seal and now it's a full blown crush

he's already planning your criminal endeavours together

sweet memories to be made, first murder, first heist

so many villainous firsts to experience together

unburied

hang on, wait just a fucking minute, get your ass back here

just because he's little doesn't mean he won't run after you

he's not above chasing a compliment, literally or figuratively

and if you have any more of them you'd like to give out

he's here, ready to bask in your adoration

or if you'd rather take this to a more physical level...

no need to rush though! he's happy to sit here and listen

while you tell him what a cute and precious bean he is

twojar

unphased, you think this doesn't happen all. the. time?

he's banged pam, selina and once got some goodies from harley

plus him and harvey have this weird mutual thing going on

ANYWAY

doesn't matter, because while it's not new to him

he's hardly going to turn down someone's advances

so you can run away, but he'll remember

he never forgets a face, or an ass

and he liked both of yours

dano

yeah, it would be easier for everyone involved

if he just pretended he didn't hear anything you said

and you didn't repeat it, or say anything to him ever again

because you're verging into dangerous territory here

so few kind words have been spoken to him ever

that he's just definitely going to latch on to the first kind soul

who shows him any sign of affection

and before you know it, you're getting little greetings cards

from your secret admirer

and no amount of villainy is going to put him off

btaa

so miss tuesday's task for the foreseeable future is research

find out who you are and what you were doing there

was it a ploy to out-heist him? were you there to distract?

because it worked, annoyingly so

but uh... if miss tuesday also happens to find out your name

and your number... mabye what kind of food you're into

then maybe he could let you distract him again

perhaps over dinner at the nicest restuarant around... if you want

young justice

immense confusion here bless him

some idiotic hero or a mindless member of the public

maybe maybe he could see them developing a crush on him

but another criminal genius? and a very attractive one at that

complimenting him? impossible, it must have been a mistake

which explains why you rushed away from him so quickly

better that way anyway, because he's starting to sweat. a lot.

and he's so flustered he can't even think straight, let alone well

[thegeminisage]

for never have i ever: amnesia?

HIII thank you both <333

never have i ever written amnesia, believe it or not, even though i'm a HUGE fan, as in, it's my number one bestie. actually, no, i sort of have to take that back...i've lowkey written amnesia INTO larger stuff, but never an amnesia fic on its own. so there's been: a couple of da kmeme fills with fenris who has amnesia (they're lost to the sands of time now), ben originally had amnesia during his djinn dream in @cambionverse (but it got cut and revised), and i wrote derek as having amnesia about his encounters with jennifer in anchor. but not an Actual Amnesia Fic. every time i try to think about how i'd want to do it i sort of...blank out? there's so many ways to do it i get too excited and want to do all of them at once and then something else comes along and grabs my attention. i can't tell you how many times i tried to toss around a leverage amnesia fic and just couldn't settle anywhere.

so, just off the top of my head, as a thought experiment...i'd want it to be trek because that's what i'm into rn. i actually started to formulate this as a generations fixit (kirk in the nexus can't remember his old life/that he died/something something + spock and bones pull him out) but there's a small, small, SMALL chance i might ACTUALLY write a generations fixit (sans amnesia, sadly) so i don't want to do it here and accidentally make myself less likely to do it fr in the future.

my second choice is kira/odo because i have been thinking about them nonstop for a WEEK, possibly longer. since you can't have amnesia without brainwashing, i would have odo get mindwiped and carted back to the founders or whatever. and since it's my fic and i can do what i want odo remembers like, ds9's weak points and security routines but he doesn't remember any of the people or being friends with them. so he's like helping the bad guys do evil bad guy stuff or whatever and then when the good guys are almost beat they board the defiant and he and kira are fighting until she says something important and just as she's about to go down for good he oh my fucking god i'm just rewriting the winter soldier. god damn it. maybe this is the real reason i've ever done an amnesia fic. embarrassing. winter soldier wasn't the thing that introduced me to a love of brainwashed amnesiac assassins but it is the thing that made me crazy about them. ANYWAY. let me try again.

so odo gets his memories wiped so he'll return to that great collective or whatever. and he learns what it means to Be A Changeling. he can perfect the human face like that other evil changeling that i hate. so he doesn't look like odo anymore when he changes into a humanoid form, but also he doesn't do that because THEY only did that to communicate with him and kira, so he doesn't even NEED a humanoid form. and he's like yay im so happy here i love being a changeling :) except when somebody stumbles onto their asteroid or he needs to open a door or whatever requires a humanoid form...he just winds up becoming kira. and maybe he catches sight of his/kira's face in the reflection on the water or something and is like Whoa...who is That and that other changeling lady is like dw about it come back to the goop so he does but he also keeps insisting he can't have made that form w/o seeing her and he wants to know where. and since he's got such a good sixth sense about solving unsolved mysteries he solves his own mystery of who he is and how he got there. meanwhile the ds9 gang are searching EVERYWHEREEE for him and when they finally go check the asteroid odo goes out to meet them in kiraform and is very surprised to see. kira. and everybody else is like who tf is this why is this changeling pretending to be kira but kira knows Right Away it HAS to be odo and so they recognize each other even when they aren't able to recognize each other, which is basically the same thing that happened when they met. and odo either intimidates that other changeling into giving his memories back or he remembers on his own and they leave together and live happily ever after.

WHEW. you guys thought you were throwing me softballs but i was sweating bullets over that thing. kiraodo winter soldier au would be fun as hell though don't lie

[ASK MEME]

[heckinconfusedparade]

Hello again! I have just a simple thought that MIIIIIGHT make you cry or scream. I'm simply curious about what you think!

Alright so it's already established Nine has a plan that involves the council. But imagine if the possibly true theory that the varients are shattered pieces of the main characters was confirmed? How would NINE react to never being a true person, but simply a 'piece', a shatter, a trait of the very person who got to live the life he's always wanted? How would he react to being merely a part of TAILS, a name he saw as a horrible slur from his experiences? How would he react to knowing that all of the sufferings, all of the things he did, didn't matter because he was merely a part of something bigger, never truly being an actual being, but a part of one? And when the Prisms come together, he would cease to be an actual person with a life, but a mere trait in someone he envies?

I know this might sound like nothing they'd put in, but what if they did? Can you imagine the shock and denial this hyper-independent fox will go through? If he's the same age as Tails, then this kid is EIGHT, he's still just a KID under all of that technical genius. He was full-on abused for years until HE did something about it and isolated himself for probably years as well. Then comes Sonic, someone who gives him nothing but KINDNESS and CARE. But only because he's a variant of his brother, when he sees Nine he sees TAILS. Knowing that Sonic probably won't hesitate to bring the world back together, and IF Nine is a variant of Tails, he'll cease to be. It's sort of like dying for him, sure Tails will be restored, but Nine won't exist any more than a mere trait.

Sure that's a good thing, but what would you do if you found out you were never a real, WHOLE person, but merely a part of someone, a TRAIT? You can never be happy as YOURSELF because the very person you're a PART OF EXISTS and you are nothing but a PART OF THEM.

Nine isn't Tails. Nine is selfish, confident, cold, aloof, calculating, and morally ambiguous only showing care for Sonic. Tails is the closest to Sonic, but he wouldn't do half of the things Nine did and will do in the future.

I think this shows that Nine isn't just Tail's emotional NEED for Sonic, but also his LOVE for Sonic, and because he's separated from the other traits, it's uneven and growing unhealthily into some kind of obsession.

The Grim is a perfect reflection of this. The blue sky with stars being Sonic and the world Nine dreams of, the sandy orange ground reflecting Nine's fur, and the grey crystals of his metal Tails reaching for the sky but never reaching, because HE ISN'T TAILS, but merely a SHARD of him.

It's up to NINE whether he ACCEPTS this harsh truth that determines his ending.

Gah! Sorry, but can you think of the angst BUFFET we can have from this show?!

All those fellow people who love angst, we'll probably be FEASTING in season 2.

He’s devastated.

All that suffering for what? All these memories for what? All that fighting for what?

Only to be a piece of someone else.

Nine hates that the only good thing he inherited was his brotherly love for Sonic. Despite everything he’s still his biggest fan. He wants to be able to grow up and have Sonic watch him become the hero he’s going to be.

But that can’t happen now.

He has no choice. He has to do what is right. After all, he does truly love his brother. He is his.. brother.

Hm. Brother. It feels so natural for him to say.

Nine never considered Sonic a friend, but a best friend.

Why does he want to leave him?

He realizes that he also inherited Tails’ clever mind. Nine realizes he can.. stop this.

Sonics friends are going to hate him for this! He went against their wishes, didn’t he?

Nine feels he should protect his friend just like he protected him for all those years he cannot remember.

After all… what are friends for..?

[still-a-morosexual-help]

So initially I wasn't the biggest fan of them being related, though when they first started hinting at a connection between Lilith and MC I had a "OH GOD. OH DAMN. PLEASE DON'T BE LILITH'S REINCARNATION" moment so finding out MC was just a distant relative was a relief but not one I was necessarily happy with? Because of all the "Is this technically incest!?" feelings I had at the time.

But it did grow on me? I think all the human au's I had roaming free in my head helped me get over it? When writing or thinking up human Aus I try to make them as close to the Canon situation as possible so it'd be:

The brothers and Lilith all living in a foster home with only Lucifer and Satan being blood related,  but they all see each other as a found family. MC would be a distant (and I mean distant enough it equals to the thousands of years that separate Canon MC and Lilith) cousin who they don't even find out is related to Lilith until much later (after Lilith either leaves and joins a more permanent family or....well dies I guess).

The way I see it, it'd be the same as a group of "we're so close we see each other as siblings" friends wanting to date the distant/estranged relative of one of the group members.

So yeah, now I see the whole Lilith, MC, brothers thing as "Incest if I'm willing to reach so far my arm tears straight outta my socket" so yeah.

Though obviously it's completely valid if people are still uncomfortable with it.

ANXUSJWMNZRATQVX8 Belphie would have totally murdered MC if they didn't bring up the whole Lilith thing! And I'm so upset they all just get over it? Like damn I love Belphie no lie, but are we just gonna gloss over the fact that he was 110% okay with the genocide of the entire human race???????

I also have this headcanon that MC has chronic pain that flares up on and off after Belphie murdered them, cause remember how the ghost of the fortune teller,Gisella (?), on the train said you never forget the feeling of dying and MC had a pretty violent death so.....

I also HC that there are days, specially when the pain is bad, where they can't stand to be near Belphie and that while he was initially upset by this and was persistent about still being with them by around mid S2 or S3 he's learnt to identify those days and understand why MC can't even look at him then and he makes himself scarce and sleeps away the day in an out of the way dark, corner probably with Beel around for emotional support because honestly those days would hurt him as much as MC.

I like that in the Canon storyline that none of the brothers were 100% okay with Belphie right after Lesson 16 and how they went out of their way, more so than usual, to make sure MC wasn't alone with him? I maybe reading into that too much but I liked it.. 

And I mean generally MC's a very calm, collected, headstrong and stubborn character so as frustrating as it is I understand why they would want to help Belphie get along with the others again. "I died for this shit, so I might as well see it through" kinda mentality

I didn't initially like the two timelines cause it made me really sad imagining the one MC left behind and to ease that angst I always imagined since MC changed the past their original timeline -the future timeline- got erased with a new future unfolding. but someone on tumblr posted a headcanon with evidence on why they thought Barbatos joined the two timelines together so that they live with the extra day of memories and experiences that came from the original timeline AND I JUMPED THE HELL ON THAT BOAT & actually recently wrote something about it. Here have the link and some shameless self promotion cause I'm an attention whore:

Deadlines

"When Mammon meets his soulmate he's going to punch them in the face. It doesn't matter if he'll only find out who exactly his soulmate is when one of them is on their deathbed. He's still going to punch them."

Um anyway that's all my thoughts on 16, 17 & 18 (I think. There might be more that I can't remember at the moment tbh) and since I rambled to you about it you are now contractually obligated to rant to me about yours. Sorry, those are the rules🤷🏽

About the thing you said about Diavolo and his reasons I honestly have nothing else to add, I mean the reasons you gave make total sense and I'm okay with just what the canon gave too so

It wasn't sloppy at all! My rambles are always too long and all over the place!

Edit: I forgot! As to why they were related, yeah I don't think it was completely necessary but still I can see reasons behind it?

1. As a way to make MC other. A devilgram and a little line in S3 makes it seem like MC is neither angel, demon OR human. I HC that Lilith died right as she was changing from angel to demon making her one of a kind and that pure "Fallen Angel" magic came with her when she was reincarnated and then was passed down to MC.

2. How lilith's known as the mother of monsters in some myths and how MC is related to her... I just think it's neat. Plus MC has an insane amount of raw power - truly a monster in their own right

3. It's closure for the brothers. They never got to see Lililth as a human, never got to see her grow up, fall in love, start her own family. The last they saw her she was in pain and dying. They don't get to see if she was happy. MC's the closest proof they have to that. That she found love and had a family and was happy

4. It's closure for lilith. Just the fact that her spirit passed down from descendent to descendent along with her magic till she could see her brothers again just to see if they were happy and to tell them she had lived a long happy life. I don't know I'm really happy she was able to do that

5. The brothers find similarities between Lilith and MC but they're rare and 6 of the 7 brothers already liked MC before they found out about MC being her descendent. And even Belohie starts to like them as their own person. Just I always worry that they like MC just because of the connection between them and Lilith and that they see MC as a replacement  but then U remember their Canon interactions and it feels like the brothers actually forget about that connection. MC is Lilith's legacy, they're living proof that you can be born in one world but find your true home in another, but they're not defined by Lilith. They're their own person. Even their magic is their own considering Lilith used the last of hers when she helped them in Lesson 15/16

[bunchofstraydogs]

Dazai Osamu character breakdown as I understand him

Meaning that this might be inaccurate and your opinion and visage of him might differ from mine, which is just fine. We perceive the world and the people around us through our experiences and expectations. I'm curious to know how you guys see a complex character like Dazai, just please respect everyone's opinions.

Warning: Manga plot mentions, s2 spoilers, BEAST light novel spoilers, Dazai Osamu

Dazai Osamu was introduced into the scene of Bungou Stray Dogs at 14 when Mori found him.

Even at that young age, Dazai had suicidal tendencies and had been wrapped in bandages similarly as he is in the present. Already dealing with too much trauma for a child his age, the fire is fuelled as he was forced to bear witness to the death of the Port Mafia boss at the hands of Mori, the person that took him under his wing. To use him; which was becoming very apparent to Osamu if he hadn't been aware since the start. Now, I'm not saying that death of the previous boss left a particular scar on Samu, he even agrees with it and is something he himself would have done. But that that is the scene that bore fruit of the following quotes:

"Or could it be that you're afraid, Mori-san? That one day i will slit your throat and take over as the boss?"

followed by

"Everyone seems suspicious to those who have an axe to grind."

This tells us right away that he can tell what type of person you are just from the way you perceive your surroundings, which is logical, but not something many think too deep into.

Even less who have their evaluations of others on point like he does. And he has to, since Dazai's plan is always to understand his allies, his enemies, possible allies and possible enemies. He also takes into account important neutral parties that can still, in one way or another, affect the outcome of his plans or decide to align with one side out of common interest. After comes realising the main goals, along with side achievements (just in case some of those maim his allies or ruin the future plans he made) of every party. Taking in their morals and motivation, and being familiar with the ground the confrontation will happen on, he now has the view of the whole chess board and it's pieces in his head. He moves his allies in the right places, knowing how they'll react in the situation to come, and awaits the enemies with open fire arms. He was tought to think like that. At all times. Mori made sure of it. You know how specialists never really stop thinking in their areas of expertise, like doctors, for example, will naturally notice people's posture and look for scoliosis or whatever? How your foot hits the floor, if you're walking straight, your knees and shoulders, etc. Same for Dazai. His brain maps out person's expressions, reactions, choices, personality, etc. in great detail. I'm pretty sure he has eidetic memory, if his conversations in manga with Fyodor are anything to go by.

Another thing his brain does is think of worst possible outcomes.

Not in a fear of what if things go wrong, but as a possible route. He uses it to determine how big of a threat the opposing force is and what steps they'll have to take to achieve that. Knowing that, he'll know how to intercept them. Also, like everything else, it's not something he can control since we're talking about thought process here and that's just how his brain works. Can't magically turn that off. It's especially annoying to him when he's genuinely enjoying himself with, let's say, ADA members and then his brain goes brrr.

•"A lot happened recently and we're a torn in many people's eyes." *Tanizaki and Atsushi drinking punch* "There's a possibility, while a small one, about 8% at this very moment, but as time goes on will increase, that an organisation outside of Yokohama decided we're an unavoidable threat and poisoned the drinks. Don't drink that. Nothing will happen, they'll wake up tomorrow in pristine condition don't drink th-"

Yeah, i feel bad for him too.

He has PTSD and insomnia, besides the hectic brain,

so he's not getting proper amount of rest. Actually, he drinks almost every night by himself at home. Pretty sure it's canon as well, because if you search for a picture of him in his room, you'll see him surrounded by multiple bottles. Two of the PTSD symptoms are hallucinations and night terrors (no, that is not the same as a nightmare). What people usually do is use opium to cause hallucinations in a safe environment so that there's little chance of them happening uncontrolled. He's probably using alcohol to numb himself while he's reminiscing, since if he does still have hallucinations after years having passed by (which isn't impossible), they're probably few and far between. Not saying there's no chance he isn't using opium. He would know where to get what he needs, after all.

Osamu's haunted by his own actions as well, not just by trauma caused to him.

At an uncountable amount of occasions, he found himself looking into a mirror and not really comprehending his image. It was like dissociation. Looking through a fog at what's supposed to be your carbon copy, but not knowing all of your features perfectly, so whatever you're seeing could only be an impostor, yet you're not sure because that would take comprehending physical proof of your life to the fullest and how it works and he just... can't. He can but he doesn't want to. He already knows he's despicable and broken, doesn't really feel the need to see just how much. He can't, for all his perfect memory, remember the faces of the people he has killed. He hadn't even seen all of them, but he was responsible for their demise. Causing havoc and misfortune in general through other crimes besides murder as well. We've seen his expression when he listened in on Atsushi talking to Kyouka over the earpiece how the 35 deaths don't matter anymore. He knows they do and he knows that the change of heart won't justify what he's they've done. Ango thought him to value each life. But he also knows that even murderers can change and become good. Oda did that. It's also what's keeping him in the agency.

When Oda died, his last words mentioned that Dazai doesn't care about good or bad and that was correct for Dazai Osamu back then. I genuinely think that his present self does mind the difference.

He believes in necessary evil and will do dark shit to get the good outcome he's envisioned.

He doesn't separate outlaws and lawful people, however.

He knows that generally speaking, the line is thin and easy to cross and that many were born or forced into the situations they are. Those that fight the life thrown at them are an exception, not a rule. That's also why he likes Atsushi, probably the main reason. The boy has every right to hate the world and yet. Dazai is envious, he doesn't really have the same capacity.

I want now to talk about why does Dazai Osamu do what Dazai Osamu does.

The reason he attempts suicide, joined the mafia, made friends at all, is because for all his intelligence and observations, ability to understand others, he doesn't really understand himself.

He doesn't understand his worth. He doesn't understand his purpose. In all of that confusion, he finds no reason to live. He laughs but can't get the high, he bruises but can't fully heal. In all of the things people find happiness in he can't feel joy from. He is emotionally stunted. He thinks too logically. He doesn't understand actions out of emotions because to him, it doesn't make sense. Emotions cloud your mind and when you're not thinking straight, you make mistakes. Plain and simple. He just accepts it, that most people simply cannot control themselves and prefer lashing out instead of methodical approach. All the better for him, he has leverage. Even when he does act on impulse, which is incredibly rare and not as explosive and dramatic, his brain rationalises it as to why his actions were a good way to go. And if his reaction was one that bore fruit, than it was a tactical one.

"If you place yourself somewhere close to raw emotions, where you're exposed to raw violence and death, instinct and desire, you can brush against man's true nature. I though that way i could find a reason to live somehow."

From this, i can tell that he was hoping that, in a situation where he's pushed far enough, he'd realise what's important to him, what he wants to protect or destroy, what's one thing he wouldn't want to leave unsettled before dying. What is that one thing he'd regret dying before achieving? What should he fight death for. What is worth living on for? To him, it doesn't matter if that something is good or evil as long as he gets to keep it in his life.

It seems he hadn't found it exactly, but is satisfied with what he has for now, in the agency, to just keep going. But he still tries to commit suicide, hoping that one day, when the clear picture of the world around him is fading away, when he's becoming light headed from the lack of oxygen, when he's loosing control over his body and thoughts don't seem to flow well, there will be one thing, anyone, screaming at him to fight it. New day new chances. It didn't happen today, better luck tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow and tomo-.

Now, like Mori, Dazai feels the need to, at all times, be in control of the situation. Including people.

That means no one, but perhaps Ranpo due to his own abnormal intellect, is aware of their own role. They know their mission, but they're not expecting to be given that particular one because they'll come across an obstacle they would react to in a way that would satisfy Osamu's plans.

Dazai Osamu is more of a chemist, than a chess player, if you ask me.

Throwing different people into the mix, under different conditions at different times and is noting down their reactions in safe surrounding if possible, so that when the time calls for it, he'll be able to make a perfect concoction for the predicament. A chemist and his substances; A chess player and his pawns; A puppeteer and his puppets. Now, Dazai is meticulous and never rash, but like everyone else (except effin Lovecraft what is he even) he's only human and he bleeds when he falls down and humans aren't perfect. He isn't always right. That means he makes mistakes. The issue with big shot players that control the board is that, when they fall down, everyone on their side crashes and burns as well. So the day Dazai fucks up everyone else will follow because of lack of insight on their part that's completely out of their control. All it takes is for him to underestimate or overestimate one person and chaos ensues. There is no such thing as happy little accidents small mistakes for someone like him. I have crippling anxiety and a sole thought that one hiccup could blow up in everyone's face... damn. I would try committing suicide myself. But it's his fault, he brought upon himself an obligation and pressure like that. To be fair, it was Mori that drilled that type of thinking where no one should know what you plan because they can't ruin what they don't know If they turn against you, they can't stop you.

For his own sake, and everyone else's, Dazai needs to learn how to show his cards and share the burden.

Again, going back to the emotionally stunted guy that has commitment issues (where he either can't commit or can't let go) trope.

He never outright does something good for someone where people would acknowledge it, he uses his underhanded tactics here as well.

He casually makes himself look like a bad guy, an asshole, to conveniently move attention from the inner turmoil a person is struggling with to a present problem at hand that they can fix and let their frustrations out on. But he hopes that, one day, someone just might notice his intentions for what they are and do the unspeakable- see through him.

"I'm a very private person. You don't ask, i don't tell."

Yes, and your whole existence is just a huge cry for help. He wants to be asked. He's begging for attention. A specific type of attention. One that will see him without making him feel imposed on. One that will understand his sins without making a big deal out of it. Accept him as a person he is, makes him feel like one as well. Makes him feel alive. Makes him feel... period.

The day he finds that thing is the day he completely turns his life around and fully dedicates to it. It's where the part of not being able to let go commitment issue ensues.

Since Oda's death he's been secretly keeping an eye out on possible ways to bring him back. If you've read Beast AU you know that when Dazai gets his hands on the book, he'll create a universe where Oda doesn't die. Should he find an ability user that can bring back the dead, just tell him what it will take, he's ready to destroy his own soul for it and if that isn't enough, well, he'll have no hesitation ruining theirs. After all, BEAST!Dazai Osamu never actually met Odasaku, he just had the memories he'd gotten from his canon self and that was enough for him to do everything he did.

He's incredibly selfish and has a weird come in but the door is a wall dynamic he rolls with in his self imposed solitude.

It's like the walls of the space in my brain are ugly and terrifying, so i closed off the entrance to keep myself in. I'm doing you a favour but please break the wall down and tell me it's okay to come out i don't want to be here-

Happy little thoughts woah woah yeah~

That's what i got from what I've seen of him. I may have missed some things, some things might prove to be wrong as the series progress further, but yeah.

There is, however, one more thing i want to put out here. Since Dazai was already like this before Mori found him, that begs to question as to why? What happened to him?

Now, since the characters are based on real people, is it crazy to say that Dazai Osamu has had a horrible childhood because of his father? Real life Dazai was terrified of his dad and was very intimidated by him. He always tried to stay in his good graces out of fear of punishment. Neither of his parents felt like a parent to him, actually. His father didn't care and his mother was often ill, but did care for him when she could. Both of them died eventually.

This could be the plot Kafka based Dazai's background on, but we'll have to wait and see.

[danceworshipper]

Giulio Moretti - HPMA Character Profile

template by me // images created using the zepeto app

NOTE: I am a cisgender female. As such, I have been hesitant to make a trans oc and will not be going into much detail about Giulio's experiences specifically related to his gender. If anything in here feels iffy to anyone not cisgender, please let me know and I'll correct it

Personal

Full Name: Giulio Antonio Moretti

Gender: Male (trans)

Sexuality: Demisexual, polyamorous

Birthday: June 1st

Age: 11

Birthstone: Alexandrite

Zodiac Sign: Gemini

Blood Status: Full Veela

- I'm mostly using these headcanons written by @carmilla-the-bird, though over time I might end up changing a couple details

- I'm not certain if full Veelas would even use wands/go to magic school but these ones do because I say so

- What I'm specifically adding is that since HPMA takes place later than the full HP series, there has been a new method developed to allow full veelas to better coexist with wizards. This comes in the form of a clear gemstone that can be inserted into any piece of jewelry, usually necklaces. While the stone is worn, the charm [or allure, as I call it] that all veelas have while glamored is dampened by up to 80%. Another effect is that when angered, the veela won't be able to lash out with their fire magic, unless they've trained their magic well enough that's it's less of an instinct and more of a conscious choice. Minors are legally required to wear it at all times, except in their own home with only their family around. Once an adult the veela can choose whether they want to wear it or not. The stone has a similar trace to underaged magic, so when a Veela who's a minor takes it off, the Ministry is alerted and their location will be tracked

3 Positive Traits:

- Empathetic

- Resourceful

- Playful

3 Negative Traits:

- Irritable

- Addictive

- Pessimistic

Usual First Impression: When meeting Giulio, most people see him as a spoiled and stuck up little boy. This isn't true. He's just very wary of strangers, so he doesn't tend to leave a good first impression. Once he's more comfortable around someone, his positive traits outshine the more negative ones

Location

Birthplace: A Veela-specific clinic in southern Italy. His mother travelled there for all of her children's births, and the midwife there is the woman who delivered her

Current Home: His family home in England, a medium sized house under a strict Fidelius charm, which his aunt is the Secret Keeper for. His bedroom is on the second floor, looking out over the fish pond in the backyard

Future Home(s): Fresh out of Hogwarts he'll share an apartment with Lori with heavily warded Floo access. Later homes TBD once his love interests are planned out

Favorite Place: The little house the family rents for a month every summer in southern Italy. The town is full of good culture, and better yet, good food. It feels peaceful, even when there's a loud festival going on

Disliked Place: The woods a mile down the road from his home. The woods are the last place Giulio saw his grandmother before she went missing, and now they feel like they're haunted. He refuses to go on walks there anymore

Appearance

Face Shape: Round, slightly pointy chin

Eye Color: Deep teal

Hair Color: Whitish blond

Hair Style: Self cut (horrifies his mother), slightly uneven, medium length. Not brushed every day, fluffy

Skin Tone: Pale

Freckles/Spots: A few beauty marks on his face, two near his right eye and one on the left side of his chin

Scars: None yet

Piercings/Tattoos: None

Height: 5'7" [fully grown]

Weight: ~ 135 lbs [fully grown]

Physique: Thin. Luckily for him, Giulio's family has always had rather "boyish" bodies - wide shoulders, not very curvy - but he's still got too much woman in him to be fully happy with his form

Clothing Style: Baggy tops, loose pants, nothing fancy. Giulio tries to attract as little attention as possible, because while he's glamored people stare at him a lot anyway, even with the dampener. He does like colored pants, but his tops are usually grey and black. His dampening necklace is the most eye catching thing he wears (as it was a gift from his missing grandmother) and he wishes he could take it off, but he legally can't

Carried Items:

- The last picture of him, his sisters, and his grandmother ever taken

- A lighter. He likes having the fire near him since he can't access his own fire magic

- His hair scissors, for whenever he feels like it needs to be trimmed

- A container of Silly Putty he got from a Muggle convenience store

- His water bottle

Magic

Wand: 10" Veela hair wand in Fir wood. A very pale colored wand that's a bit rough around the edges. The hair is from his younger sister Martina, who yanked the strand right out and handed it to the wandmaker after no wands appeared to choose a very defeated looking Giulio. The wand was made while Giulio watched, and he checked it many times throughout the process to make sure it felt like it would have him, which it did.

Animagus: As a veela, Giulio can transform into pretty much any bird shape. He has no need to go through the animagus process

Boggart Form: Him, fully matured, very womanly, and in a wedding gown just like the ones his older sister Alessia fawns over

Riddikulus Form: Him in a ridiculously exaggerated Bloody Baron costume

Amortentia (to others): Someone smelling Giulio would smell new pillows, the faint burning metal scent that clings to him, and the dry shampoo he uses

Amortentia (to them): He doesn't smell any sort of romantic interest yet. What he smells now are safe, comforting smells, like the cigars his mother and aunt smoke, the perfume all his sisters use, and the smell of his favorite restaurant in southern Italy

Patronus: Bird of Paradise

Happiest Memory: Receiving his wand once it was completed, and finally feeling the connection and power he'd heard so much about but thought he'd never have

Mirror of Erised: Some might consider it sad, but all he sees is him, happy, the way he wishes he was - including not looking at all like a Veela. Someday this will change

Family Spells: It's not really a spell, but the Morettis have a particular bird call that, when paired with the right charm, will alert every living family member to the caller's location, should one desperately need help. It's only to be used in emergencies. Giulio isn't sure he wants to know why his grandmother never used it

Inherent Magic: Veela stuff - storm sense, fire, bird transformations, allure, slight levitation abilities

Family

Grandmother: Francesca is not an ideal parental figure. She grew up in a time when full Veelas were treated with nearly the same suspicion and prejudice as werewolves, so she's very anti-human. However, she was still one of Giulio's best defenders and most treasured family members. She places a huge importance on family and is the one who came up with the idea of the special danger call. Francesca went missing when Giulio was seven, and there have been no clues as to what happened.

Mother: Valentina is a kind, gentle woman who cares for her family before anyone else. She and her sister were taught all their lives to be nothing more than a pretty face, and while Bianca rejected this, Valentina embraced it. Even now, with her own mother nowhere to be found, she has trouble remembering to be herself. She wears her necklace at all times, terrified to be without it

Father: Giulio never knew him. He's not sure he even has one

Aunt: Bianca is, in many ways, the exact opposite of her sister. Bianca embraces all of her less than proper instincts, and even walks around in public completely unglamored, acting as a good deterrent to anyone who might want to come say hi, innocent intentions or not. Gets angry very easily, and has caused public property damage more often than Valentina would appreciate

Sisters: Two older sisters, one younger. All Slytherins while in school

- Alessia, six years older, prefect. A headstrong young woman who takes advantage of her allure to get what she wants, and is skilled enough to fight off anyone who gets too "friendly". She likes to have a collection of boy toys she never lets get too close, but secretly only has eyes for the Hufflepuff prefect, Lina.

- Emilia, four years older, Quidditch captain. Hates her allure with a passion and refuses to even think about romance until she's out of school. Could kick anyone's ass, and will do so if she feels the need to. Very protective of Giulio, has gotten into at least eight shouting matches with those who misgender him

- Martina, one year younger. The baby of the family. A bit of a spoiled brat, and too young to fully understand exactly why her older siblings are all so wary of strangers, or letting her out of their sight. She dreams of being the Minister of Magic, and of being able to take her "stupid, ugly, and stupid" necklace off for good

Pets: The two family screech owls which trade off being at school/home, and an Abraxan Giulio found on Hogwarts grounds that likes him a lot

Family Values: The Morettis hold nothing higher than each other. The family's main priority is sticking together, and always doing whatever they can to help each other achieve whatever they wish. The family is also, as a whole, rather reclusive

Opinion of Family: Giulio loves his family. For all their faults, they hold true to their values and he couldn't imagine one of them ever betraying another. Even if they won't ever truly understand him, they've all tried and they do what they can, and it means more than he can say

Friendships

Introverted or Extroverted: Introverted

Best Friend: Oleander Loris. Her anger issues, her weird pink eyes, and her tendency to drag him along to social outings are all things that Giulio comes to appreciate over time. He originally became curious about her on the train ride to school, when she stumbled looking at his older sisters but didn't notice him at all, and they spoke for the first time in Flying class. Lori is definitely a force to be reckoned with, and the fact that she's not affected by his allure in the slightest makes him feel really happy

Worst Friend: TBD

Friend He Didn't Expect: Cassandra. They aren't the best of friends, and maybe they can't be considered friends at all, but she doesn't hold the contempt she seems to hold for most others for him

Who He Wishes Was His Friend: Kestra Fernera. She's got fire powers, and she doesn't have to be chained down by the Ministry. He thinks she's super cool, and is very jealous of her and how popular she is, but he's far too nervous to try and talk to her

List of Casual Friends:

- Brian Haywood-Reese @catohphm

- others TBD, but likely the main cast of the game. Mc friends welcome, if any are interested!

Romance

Current Crush: None

Current Partner: None

Past Partners: None

Future Partners: TBD

His Type: Pretty much anyone who's able to look past the allure that Giulio hates so much and also isn't afraid of him in his natural form, though most people haven't even seen it

Hogwarts

House: Slytherin

Prefect Status: No

Quidditch: Not on the team, but plays casually

Clubs: TBD

Organizations: None

Favorite Class: Flying. Duh

Least Favorite Class: Potions. It gives him a headache surrounded by all the fumes

Favorite Professor: TBD

Least Favorite Professor: TBD

Timeline

Young Childhood:

- Giulio realizes young that he hates the idea of being a girl, and insists that his mother change his name. His family thought it was a phase, but once they realized it wasn't, they became more serious and started to see what they could do to help him

- He's a sheltered child, learning early the importance of staying close to a trusted adult. He sees the horrors of what can happen to a Veela caught unaware at a young age when he almost loses his mother to someone who wanted to sell her, and never looks at strangers the same way again

- At five years old Giulio is given his dampener necklace. He refuses to wear it until his grandmother forcibly puts it on him. He decides it's not that bad, though it feels like it's choking him and he doesn't like the muted feeling in his hands that comes from the loss of his instinctual magic

- At seven years old, Giulio is on a walk with his grandmother in the woods when he hears a loud screech. She sends him back toward the house, saying she'll be right behind him. Hours pass, and she never follows. There's no evidence as to what that screech was, or what happened to his grandmother

- At eleven years old, Giulio spends a week traveling to different wandmakers around Europe trying to find a wand so he can go to school in the fall. For some reason, his magic is picky and not a single wand even comes close to working for him. When he's given up all hope, his little sister Martina asks if the wandmaker takes custom orders, and rips out her own hair to be used for Giulio's wand. It's the first time Giulio cries happy tears, hovering his hand over the uncompleted wand and feeling it call to him already

School Years: TBD once I'm able to play the game

Post Graduation: Giulio moves into an apartment with Lori soon after graduating. While she immediately starts work, Giulio takes time to find some higher education, and work on training his Veela magic now that he can take his necklace off whenever he wants

Career(s): TBD

Marriage and Children: TBD

Death: Giulio will be murdered by [redacted] in order to save [redacted]'s life, but he'll be very old (around 200) and will have outlived his lovers, so he doesn't see it as too much of a shame. He'll be buried in the family garden and have some lovely flower bushes planted over him

Notable Facts Not Previously Mentioned

- The Veela magic in Giulio recognizes him as a boy as soon as he does. When his allure kicks in, anyone attracted to men finds themself affected, while those strictly into women do not, even though male Veelas are practically unheard of

- His aunt Bianca paid a personal visit to Hogwarts before he was enrolled, ready to throw flames if he was going to be put into the female dorms. Luckily, she didn't need to worry, as once the situation was explained it was settled with a simple change in his paperwork

- Giulio hates being cooped up indoors for too long. Even in the coldest days of winter, he'll spend as much time as possible outside

- Starting in third year, Lori will figure out how to get the necklace off of him without alerting anyone [putting it on herself within a few seconds], and Giulio will occasionally spend a few hours free and in his natural form in the Forbidden Forest. Unbeknownst to him, wearing the necklace saps at Lori's magical core, and it takes her a day or so to regain her strength if she wears it for more than thirty minutes

- Giulio will likely have three partners in the future. He could never even imagine having one, so if his younger self was told he would have three he would probably have a difficult time believing it

- Cutting his hair so frequently doesn't affect his magic like his mother feared it would, though he does feel nauseous when he does it

- The dark teal eyes are something only he and his sisters have, which is how he knows they all have the same "father" or whatever they had. His mother, aunt, and grandmother all have the traditional black eyes. Not even Alessia ever saw any type of man around when her younger siblings were born, so there are no clues as to how the four of them exist

- As much as he hates the dampener, it does him a lot of good when he's younger. He gets angry easily and often feels very defensive, so without it he could have gotten into a lot of trouble

- Though he doesn't like his allure, Giulio will sometimes take advantage of it like Alessia does if he wants to get out of something. He won't fight it, he'll play nice, and let whoever he needs to back off get a little dazed

- He wanted to hide the fact that he was a Veela when he first came to Hogwarts, but with two older sisters and his allure he couldn't

[suganovakawa]

𝐒𝐀𝐔𝐃𝐀𝐃𝐄 .

PAIRINGS : tooru oikawa x fem! reader , platonic hajime iwaizumi x fem! reader

GENRE : romance , angst

WARNINGS : cursing , amnesia , implied car accident

SYNOPSIS : tooru doesn’t understand how special you are to him until he comes close to losing you forever . as he struggles to comes to grips with his feelings and balance it with his future , you still have to recover from your own injuries , but without your memories to assist you .

𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐅𝐎𝐔𝐑 < [ 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐕𝐄 ] > 𝐏𝐀𝐑𝐓 𝐒𝐈𝐗 .

tooru’s karma hit him harder than expected . . . not to worry , because hajime is here to help you through everything .

word count : 1.3k

saudade masterlist.

SAUDADE

( 𝐧 . ) a nostalgic longing to be near again to something or someone that is distant , or that has been loved and then lost ; “ the love that remains ”

⠀a blur of brunette whirred past hajime's eyes as he walked to your room, his hands wringing in his pockets nervously. this was the same routine he'd been following for the past two weeks - ever since you were first admitted into the hospital in your comatose state. the sight of you unconscious in the middle of the road was a vision he never wanted to see nor experience ever again; he'd do everything in his power to prevent it from happening again.

⠀everything was in a blur as he ran to your side after the accident, the car that committed the hit-and-run already long gone. his hands shook uncontrollably as he picked you up in his arms effortlessly, watching your eyes flutter in an effort to stay conscious.

⠀"y/n," he breathed shakily, his bridal style around you clenching as his steps moved faster and faster into a slow sprint, his shoulder checking into the doors leading into the school you had just exited moments ago. "stay with me. you're going to be alright. you're a strong, girl, you hear me?"

⠀"i-iwaizumi," was the only reply you had enough strength to mutter.

⠀none of the third years expected to see you, bleeding and half unconscious in iwaizumi's arms.

⠀"hanamaki," the ace barked, "call the ambulance. now."

⠀there were no further words shared as the light-haired male nodded hastily, his hands fumbling to find his cellphone, running out of aoba johsai to call for the hospital quickly.

⠀"matsukawa, take y/n's things and bring them to her home. tell her family what happened, and that we've already got an ambulance on the way. you remember where she lives, right?" iwa's jaw clenched as mattsun snapped out of his trance, still trying to grasp the sight before him. "right, matsukawa?"

⠀"y-yeah, iwaizumi. i'll go." he swallowed a nervous lump as he lumped all of your belongings into your bag. "y/n, please be okay." he could only look upon your weakened figure with eyes of pity, before taking his leave in a rush.

⠀"i... iwaizumi...?"

⠀"you." he had forgotten the captain's presence in the gym until his voice filled his ears, anger and resentment boiling his blood at high temperatures. his green eyes steeled over as he glared at your boyfriend, whose face had gone white at the sight of you in his arms. tooru reached a hand towards you, only to back up and flinch at the sound of hajime yelling at him.

⠀"you wanna know what the fuck i want you to do, oikawa?"

⠀hanamaki ran to the gym doors through iwa's peripheral vision, which meant the ambulance was coming soon. he turned to face his fellow third year once more, watching the fear in tooru's eyes wash over him like a disease.

⠀"don't you ever fucking step near y/n again."

⠀he stopped in surprise at the sight of your eyes blankly staring straight at the doorway he stood under; he noticed the grip your fingers held on your hospital bed sheets. too many words caught under his tongue as your look of unplaced fear turned to him. he didn't know how to start.

⠀"y/n?" whispered hajime, taking an easy, careful step in your direction. he didn't trust the lack of reaction in your eyes. "are you... alright?"

⠀he stopped in front of your hospital bed and took his hands out of his pockets, relaxing his posture to display peace. he waited for you to respond patiently; your eyes had wandered down to your hands, your monitors, slowly back up to look him in the eye. he wondered why you were taking so long to respond to just a simple question?

⠀"i'm sorry, really... i don't remember a thing."

⠀oh.

⠀that's why.

⠀"i scared the guy before by telling him the truth, i couldn't look at him long enough before he turned around and ran away... i don't want to scare you away, either." hajime pressed his lips together as you struggled to keep steady eye contact. "i don't remember anything, i swear. all i know, from what i heard, is that y/n is me."

⠀iwaizumi blinked at your words, as a way to process such information. he hadn't come to the hospital today and expected to greet you awake - and as a victim of amnesia, nonetheless. he wasn't scared, per se - his fists clenched when he realized you were describing oikawa as the wuss who ran away in his own selfishness. he shouldn't be surprised at this point. nothing was more obvious to hajime that tooru oikawa was a selfish bastard who didn't deserve to have you as his girlfriend.

⠀"hey." he reached forward and placed his hands on yours, his lips pursed as he felt the dryness of your skin on his palms. "you're not scaring me away. don't worry about that other guy, alright? he doesn't matter, if he didn't even care enough to stay. you've got me. your name is y/n - full name y/n l/n - that's correct. you're a third year at aoba johsai high school. the reason why you're in the hospital is because you were hit by a car."

⠀"that explains the pain i feel in my head..." your hands slowly moved from his, each index finger pressing against each of your temples. "i've had this sharp ringing in my head since i woke up."

⠀"you were hurt pretty badly, and it's a miracle you're in one piece." iwaizumi nodded, watching you press your temples with a quiet hiss from your lips. "i don't know your current medical condition, since i'm not your immediate family." when your eyes met his once more, he smiled. "but i'm really happy you're okay, y/n. even without your memories, you're a tough cookie. you'll get through it."

⠀for the first time today, your fear had dissipated from your body, a sense of comfort radiating from the mysterious boy clad in a school uniform. there were many questions floating in your thoughts, with no answers or conclusions to your problems. but watching him smile at you so kindly... you felt safe. white noise suffocated your thoughts, your memories; but with the feeling of someone's support, nothing felt more comforting in this present moment.

⠀"thank you." unsure of how to thank such generosity, you could only suffice with a simple bow of your head, since you couldn't really move much else in the confinement of your bed. "i feel guilty, for not remembering you, or your name. i can only assume we were good friends, right?"

⠀"...friends." the word dripped from hajime's tongue like poison, spitting it out with a bad aftertaste. even so, he covered such bitterness with another soothing grin. "i'd like to also believe we were good friends, great friends even, before your accident." he held a hand out for you. "my name is hajime. hajime iwaizumi. i'm your friend, and fellow third year at aoba johsai."

⠀iwaizumi sighed in relief as he watched you take his hand, and you two shook on it, the confusion in your eyes slowly disappearing with every passing second. "well then, iwaizumi, it's a pleasure to meet you... again."

⠀he pressed his lips firmly at the sound of his family name leaving your mouth, shaking his head subtly as he ruffled your hair gently with a gentle chuckle. "i'm afraid i have to leave soon, i've got a lot of homework to do, and i'm gonna tell the nurses that you were able to recover so quickly. i'll visit you tomorrow, so we'll talk some more tomorrow, alright?"

⠀you nodded. "yes. thank you again, iwaizumi. i'd be so lost without you."

⠀i'd be so lost without you.

⠀pride welled in his chest like a balloon, his hands sheepishly making way back into his dark beige pockets. damn right, he was going to be the one there for you, since a certain someone was too cowardly to do it himself. iwaizumi was going to preserve your smile, the happiness a person as beautiful as yourself was completely entitled to.

⠀hajime iwaizumi was going to be the one to give you the second chance you deserve. and he'll be damned if he ever let tooru oikawa dare to step foot near you and hurt you again.

⠀"don't mention it, y/n. ah, by the way, you can just call me hajime."

a / n : AND BEHOLD , THE LOVE RIVAL . i probably made it really obvious but ye ye , here we go ! the drama will now get crazier from here . now that school is out for the summer , def expect more updates more often ! thanks for reading , it means a lot to me 🥺

saudade taglist : @ot127 @rena0921 @karlitabi-rrito @psychicpercyjacksonfan @crescentbitch @amelimiles @damnirina @pasta-warlord @blossomingbangtan @clinomanians @i-am-kinda-in-alot-of-fandoms @manq-fandoms @cirtruss @sugar-wara @haikoo @anime-simp @kairostatue @awkwardspontaneity @iwantapoptartqwq @aquariarose @softestdreamer @plantisnotplant @avylee @froppysgirl @that-animebitch @wisepandaslimeland @samanthaa-leanne

taglist closed !

[kris-p-banana-bread]

Here DOAFP fandom, have some organic, locally-sourced, home-grown pain. This is basically just me, a scarred older sibling, projecting on Bobby, another scarred older sibling. I really reached into my post-loss psyche for this, so I hope you enjoy the headcanons and meta (AKA I hope you shed at least one tear).

It won’t let me link it here so the post that inspired this is under the read more at the bottom ✨

- When I first watched doafp, I couldn't understand Elena's aversion to Sam becoming a prominent figure in her mom's and her life. Now I understand it almost too perfectly. There was never supposed to be someone after Robert. He and Gabi were deeply in love and happy. Robert was it; he was the first and true love of Gabi's life. Sam showing up probably felt like a huge and utterly disrespectful slap in the face of Robert's memory, because he wasn't even supposed to be there. I don't know if that's as eloquent as I wish it was, or if it makes sense, and it probably sounds really mean to Sam, but it's not even really about him. It was always supposed to be Robert; Sam hasn’t earned the right to be apart of or associated with her family

- After Robert dies, Gabi and Bobby make it a habit to find and keep photos and recordings/videos of Robert, even if the latter only has him saying one sentence. They won't make Elena join them for the search, but after they find some of those old audios of Robert, they'll sometimes play them back for little Elena

- Bobby put up the keep out sign (I credit this to a few other blogs for discussing this tho) because that's where he would cry sometimes. He actually used to be pretty close with Elena, but after he put up that sign and started distancing himself from them a bit so they wouldn't see the times he cracked, he got a little more short and jaded with her. It's that, plus just growing into a teenager and stuff. And I'm not saying that he and Elena have a bad relationship, but he's become more snappy and has more walls up than he used to

- Sometimes Elena feels bad because she doesn't always remember her dad's voice. She was pretty young when he died, so even though she recalls it a bit, and the recordings help, it's been a while since she's talked to him in person, so of course she doesn't quite remember what it's like to actually talk to Robert and she's forgotten some of his mannerisms. She likes to think she's all done (she marked the stages down in her grief journal after all) but grief isn't linear or all that rational, so it hits her hard sometimes

- I keep reading as an action close to my heart because that's a strong bond me and my mom shared. She would rec books to me, and we would joke and talk about them, or she would hint to some future event and then refuse to tell me until I caught up to that part. So Elena and Bobby do something similar in their grief. Elena has writing and words, because that's something Robert loved if I remember correctly (but if I’m not and that’s not canon, then I now declare it so) and Bobby has tennis. But besides tennis (I sent a couple anons to @freshlybakedfandoms about it but I'm not sure where she went) Bobby also was taught to play guitar by Robert (I liken it to Devi Vishwakumar and her harp) so when he misses his dad or is just sad, he'll take out his dad's old acoustic and strum

- (This next one is something I also think a lot about so this is pretty much 98% projection) Bobby thinks sometimes about the fact that he was never able to come out to his dad. He hadn't really started growing into that part of himself yet, and he never got to show it to his father. He wonders what he would have thought of him. Would he be angry? Would he dismiss him and say it was just a phase? Bobby didn't think so, but a little part of him insisted that you could never be too sure. After he comes out, Gabi and Cami assure him that Robert would've been so proud of him and would've loved him regardless (Since we know virtually nothing about him, I maintain that Robert was one of those dads who teases their kid relentlessly about their crushes and I think he would've done that with Bobby and eventually Elena)

- When Elena's quince rolls around (if she chooses to have one of course), Sam dances with her during the father-daughter dance. A part of her still hurts, still aches and wishes that Robert were dancing with her too; still knows on some fundamental level that he and Gabi had planned for this day, but he had simply never made it. But she's known Sam long enough that she feels comfortable here. Nobody can replace Robert, but Sam is her family, and it feels right like this.

- I might do some more research and deliberate, but for the moment I'm saying that Robert had cancer, I’m thinking along the lines of colon. My mom was terminal, but idk if I should make Robert terminal? Maybe towards the end. Or maybe he was diagnosed as incurable early on but Gabi kept it from the kids because, tbh, being told your parent is balancing on that kind of edge is traumatic for them. So anyways, I’m going on that assumption for this last point, and I’ll see if I can recover some of my old knowledge and talk about technical stuff later if anybody would like to hear it

- Elena and Bobby were both pretty young. Bobby understood about PET scans and tests somewhat, and knew generally what different answers from doctors meant. Elena mainly just understood what was happening by reading her parents' and brother's expressions when getting lab results in from the doctor. They both remember on some level what it was like when Gabi would leave the kids with Cami and take Robert out to the car (later she would have to help him) and they would all feel like they were holding their breath until they got back and confirmed that everything was ok (and later, the little shocks of fear when the answers were no longer as positive and there was more apprehension and risks. After all, cancer doesn’t deal in absolutes)

- Bobby can still remember Robert when he had to stop walking around a lot. He still remembers the phone call that Cami got from his mom, saying that something had gone wrong, and if this last treatment didn’t work, he wouldn’t have much time before he passed. Still remembers Cami rushing into a room when she got that call, and trying to hide what was happening until Gabi could get home and explain it; but Bobby was a sharp kid believe it or not. He heard about the treatment, heard Cami crying. He still had hope... but when Robert came home in a gurney, when he could barely stay awake sometimes, when his voice was quiet and his skin was a little jaundiced, Bobby felt incredibly empty. But Robert always had a smile for his wife and his beautiful kids, even if it was small and very tired, his eyes still crinkled the same. He always had a smile; right up until they had to say goodnight and get some sleep one night. And then... he passed.

- After he passed, the Cañero-Reeds needed help, and a lot of Gabi’s coworkers would bring food or materials if they were running low. Cami and Danielle would babysit and would distract the kids when Gabi needed a good cry.

- Like you’d imagine, and because of what is sort of implied in canon and in my own head, the kids dealt with it in different ways. Bobby put up that sign, and withdrew. He wasn’t awful, but his patience with certain people got a bit shorter and he was a bit quieter. And he was a really good helper when he had the energy and he cared deeply, but he would sometimes get physically and emotionally exhausted after helping Gabi/Elena/Cami/anybody else with something and would go into his room or mentally tap out to recharge. He took comfort in things that seemed natural and that he sometimes took for granted before, like video games and skateboarding (hehe bobby skateboards. Anybody second me on this?) and clothes etc... and other stuff. A lot of materialistic things or experiences that he would skip out on before. But they bring normalcy back to his life now so he loves them for that.

- Bobby doesn’t wanna think about big themes or anything anymore, which I can’t remember but I think it was Vi (freshlybakedfandoms, again, idk where she is and I hope she’s ok) who said he was a math and science person and I think that as much as that could transfer over to those subjects as well, it’s much harder to avoid existential and emotional themes in English and History class and Bobby doesn’t like it as much as Elena does for that reason. He had to live with the back and forth of his dad’s treatments and tests, so math and science is comforting because it’s more concrete (There could be a million arguments for why he would distrust math and science because of his dad’s passing though, I realize) Ultimately, though, it reminds him of Robert too much.

- On the other hand, after a period of shock and confusion, Elena threw herself into new things. First it was a grief journal, to make sure she was going through the motions. Then she read a lot, and when she felt too alone or like she wasn’t doing enough, like she was stagnant, she’d just find something to focus and persevere on again. That feels like her personality type to me; something is wrong so let’s fix it right away. But that could also transfer sort of negatively into “Something feels off or I’m very sad, let’s get this thing done and be productive so we can put off having to confront that but at least we get work out of it” but I could be entirely wrong (this is based off some of my family members and how they dealt with the loss.) And Elena throws herself into history and english because her dad loved it, and she wants to remember more of him. Because she believes words have power and history is a lesson and that’s incredibly interesting for her