#because I've seen such a funny and loving community develop

[the-deerfox-whisperer]

Trying to AVOID SPOILERS by blocking the tags on tumblr altogether bc I'll likely watch it long after the spoiler limit is up, but ppl on tiktok are full on posting clips with either no spoiler warning or just text that doesn't hide the clip at all and the clip immediately starts playing.

[hyuckmov]

haechan — if i believe you  

haechan x fem!reader 10.6k, angst & fluff, fake dating to real a/n: thank you all for waiting...this is the longest thing i've ever written :) i really hope that you can enjoy this and the emotions and everything are immersive and not too annoying with the miscommunication/repression i hope. these two are my favorite ever, quiet haechan is my favorite ever and i would love to revisit them maybe in a later fic. anyway, let me know if you like this!! thank you for reading <3 it’s a little difficult to be around your friend group when they’re all like this.

it’s a little past midnight, and you don’t know how it happened but the room has been split into happy pairs, all in their own world. movie on the tv forgotten, jaemin has his arm slung around a girl as they whisper to each other on the floor next to the couch, which is taken up by jeno — currently very endearingly laughing at something his girlfriend said. renjun was arguing with his girlfriend, but you know that neither of them truly meant it. you don’t know how it happened, but it seemed that this year, the trip to jaemin’s beach house had turned into a triple date for which you were seriously 7th wheeling. the sight makes your heart hurt a little, because you suddenly feel so crushingly lonely. 

“still here?” 

you almost forgot that haechan was here too. almost. 

sliding in to sit next to you on the kitchen island, he was dressed cozily for bed: his hoodie rolled up to his elbows, smelling slightly of toothpaste and fabric softener. you didn’t actually talk to haechan that much, you were always closer with jaemin in the friend group, but sometimes when eating together he’d catch your eye after a particularly terrible joke, or you would raise your eyebrows at him for something questionable said. you had almost developed an entirely non-verbal form of communication in that way, the two of you sharing your humor, and yet you didn’t actually know a whole lot about each other. a part of you thinks that you know a different haechan from everyone else, because in all the looks you pass each other and the comfortable silence you share, the haechan you know is quiet and sensitive, with a world of kindness in him that made you feel calm. and although you know he can be obnoxious and loud, his laughter echoing down corridors and smile brighter than the sun, you much preferred the haechan you knew. 

you also thought he was the prettiest boy you’d seen in a long while — something casual about the way he would smile, or wink at people, and his habit of poking his tongue in his cheek…but you weren’t going to tell him that. 

“yeah, still here.” you exhale. “when did you make your escape?” 

“about 30 minutes ago.” he smiled fondly at the happy couples in the room. “it’s a bit funny how the room just rearranged itself. i could’ve sworn jaemin was beside me at the dinner table the entire night but somewhere along the way he dematerialised and reappeared next to the sofa.” 

“love can do that to a person.” you rolled your eyes, before pausing to consider that maybe haechan was not quite in the same predicament as you. “hey, speaking of, why didn’t you bring your girlfriend?” 

because you were sure that haechan had a girlfriend, who he would sometimes leave gatherings early to see. you vaguely remembered renjun complaining about how he always had to walk her to class, never showing up to gatherings anymore because of some surprise or another. 

haechan blinks at you. “don’t have one anymore. we broke up quite a few months ago.” at the guilt-striken look on your face, he shakes his head to reassure you. 

“i’m over it,” he says softly. “don’t worry about me, okay?”

you can’t imagine anyone breaking up with haechan — haechan who was so gentle. with his radiant smile and his arms full of flowers whenever he surprised her. haechan who walked her to her classes. 

“i’m sorry to hear that. you deserved better i’m sure.” 

he smiles, and it looks kind of shy. “if you say so.” 

“hey y/n-” you look up at jaemin’s voice, and realize that somehow, the room had emptied out while you were talking to haechan. the only person left was jaemin, who had just finished clearing the bottles and snack wrappers. “we’re going to bed, i’m going to turn out the lights now.” 

“okay, thanks jaem.” 

he made to leave, but stopped abruptly. “ y/n, remember-” jaemin looked at you sternly, one hand on the light switch, one pointed at you. 

“repeat after me: do not trust how you feel about your entire life past 9pm.” a pause, as he glances at the clock on the wall. “or 1am, for that matter.” 

you laugh. “thanks jaem.” 

“repeat it”, he insists. 

“do not trust how i feel about my life past 1am.” 

“good.” jaemin nods in acknowledgement to haechan, flicks the light switch, and just like that, haechan and you sit alone at the kitchen island, illuminated by the moonlight through the glass doors.

suddenly, it is so quiet you feel like you want to sit in the moment forever. 

you look over at him, and haechan raises his eyebrows. it is a look you know well. care to explain?

“sometimes i get really emotional at night”, you explain. “tend to overthink. jaemin knows that because i’m always calling him talking about one thing or the other.” thinking about how embarrassing it would be if you started oversharing, you quickly promise, “but i’m working on it, don’t worry. i won’t do that to you.” 

haechan smiles. “i don’t mind.” he blinks at you and supports his chin with his hands. “we have all night. tell me what’s on your mind right now.” 

“really?” you look skeptical. once again, you and haechan haven’t really talked that much at all. you think this is maybe the longest conversation you’ve had with him, with so many words. 

“it’s okay if you don’t want to. but i’m just saying, i wouldn’t mind.” he smiles, and it warms your heart. 

asking you softly if you would like something to drink, he gets up to make hot chocolate for the two of you. and you’re sitting there, not even trying, but suddenly the moonlight and the soft sounds of haechan padding around the kitchen are setting off a feeling of butterflies making their way to your throat from your stomach. there are shivers running up and down your spine because there is something tender and fragile in this moment that you can’t pinpoint, and a deep feeling begins to crawl its way, spreading through your toes and fingertips. all you know is it’s the feeling you get before you’re about to spill your heart out to someone. 

“haechan?” 

he hums, and the sound could break your heart. 

“do you ever feel lonely sometimes?” 

you hear the smile in his voice without having to turn around to look at him — its the one that starts at the corners and spreads slowly across his face. “so this is what keeps you up at night.” 

“i’m serious, haechan.” running your hands through your hair, you are aware that you are beginning to sound like a rom-com protagonist, but you don’t care. 

“sorry.” you hear the clink of teaspoons against cups as he stirs the hot chocolate. “i mean, i guess i do feel a little lonely sometimes. but it’s not…an all-consuming thought.” a pause. “i guess it is, for you though, isn’t it?” 

you hesitate, before nodding because fuck it, this has been on your mind for way too long and jaemin was rarely helpful. always with his arm slung over another girl, you had a hard time getting jaemin to admit he got lonely sometimes. 

choosing your words carefully, you continue your spiel. “it’s just…it’s insane to me how we are told that life is so romantic, that there are so many wonderful moments in love we can look forward to, but none of that is happening to me and it doesn’t seem like it will be happening any time soon.” 

haechan comes over to you, and passes you a mug of hot chocolate. soothingly, he places a hand on yours where it rests on the counter. “you have to wait y/n. i promise, one day you’ll find someone who loves you, and all the things you’re dreaming about will happen.” 

“you can’t know that for sure,” you press. “i mean, when will someone write a love letter to me? will we kiss in the rain in the park? will they run to see me at a new year’s eve party?” 

“woah woah woah, slow down.” he nudges your mug with his, indicating that you should drink, so you take a sip of chocolate: it’s rich and warm. 

“i’m sorry. it’s just over the years things just keep getting added to this list of love, and now that i look at it it just seems ever the more impossible.” 

“love isn’t defined by actions and experiences,” haechan muses. 

“but i want to experience these things,” you say, feeling a little shy at how raw this conversation was getting.  

haechan smiles at that, at the yearning hidden in your small voice. the two of you sit for a while, nursing your cups of chocolate, lost in your own thoughts. enjoying the warmth of his hand on yours, you look at the glimmering countertop and choose not to say anything so he doesn’t move his hand away. 

and suddenly, out of the blue, haechan asks you a question. 

“just out of curiosity, what are some things on your list?” 

feeling a little embarrassed, because really — sharing your romantic fantasies with someone was beyond intimate, you mumble, “just simple things. going to the aquarium. being a couple at the amusement park, on the ferris wheel. watching fireworks together. cuddling while watching movies in my bedroom.” 

haechan thinks about it for a moment. you can almost see the wheels turning in his head. you sit in silence for so long, you’re about to ask him what he’s thinking about, or tell him it’s not that serious, when he speaks up.

“i’ll do them with you.” 

you almost choke. “i’m sorry?” 

“i’ll help you complete your list.” he looks at you, as if it’s a completely normal thing he’s just said. 

“but…but i mean…” you blink confusedly. you were supposed to do those things with a boyfriend or someone you loved, not just as friends. that would defeat the whole purpose. 

reading your mind, haechan added “it’ll just be like fake dating. i’ll pretend to be your boyfriend so you can experience all that you want to.” 

you’re beginning to see a little bit of the haechan that you don’t usually get to see, as he grins at you and there’s suddenly something sharp to the smile you always found gentle. “the full, personalised, boyfriend experience. just so you can have a go.” 

you laugh, but that’s just a cover for all the questions running through your head. “i-i don’t know,” you stammer. “does it even count if it’s fake?” 

“you’re the one making the rules.” tilting his head to the side, his eyes glimmer almost teasingly. 

“but what are you suggesting? what do you have in mind?” 

“well…” haechan hums as he thinks about it. “i could do everything with you on the list, as your fake boyfriend. in the timeframe that we’re going about carrying out this activity i’ll be fully and completely your boyfriend, yours to hug and kiss and hold hands with, until it’s over. then we can go back to being…” he smiles at you, hesitantly. “friends? does that work?” 

this haechan makes your palms sweaty, and makes your breath catch. this haechan makes you feel jumpy, and nervous, and impulsive. you think you’d do anything he asked in that moment. 

“okay.” you say slowly, and he smiles wide. “wait no.” you hesitate. “wait, fuck it, yes. let’s do it.” 

he laughs. “are you sure?” 

“wait.” his body heat is radiating off his skin as all his attention is focused on you. lips still pressed into a smile, his eyes bright and far too mesmerizing in the dim moonlight. and you can’t help but wonder then, “what if we catch feelings?” 

tilting his head to the side in consideration, he leans in close, one arm reaching out to cage you in. the two of you are nose to nose. you can count his every eyelash, see the constellation of moles scattered across his face and neck. his breath so close to your own, that your eyes can’t help but flutter shut.

“then that’s the best part.” he whispers.

x 

you try not to think about how you felt when haechan leaned in, or the way the circles he traced into the back of your hand were still burning. you couldn’t help looking for the smell of his perfume on your clothes.

you’re way too easy, y/n. this is only the first real conversation you’ve had with him. 

you’re about to turn off the lights and call it a night, hoping to some power above that you’re able to reign in your emotions come morning, when there’s a light tap at your door. 

“y/n? are you there?” 

it’s him. you spend about 5 seconds debating whether or not to pretend you’ve already fallen asleep, but curiosity eventually wins you over. crossing over to the door, you place a hand on the doorknob. 

“haechan?” 

you can hear him shift from behind the door, pushing it so it keeps shut. “y/n, wait, don’t open the door. i just want to tell you something.” 

slowly, you remove your hand from the doorknob and the latch clicks back, shut.

 “okay…” 

he’s breathing softly, and in the quiet you can hear it as if he were in the room with you. “y/n, i’m sorry i sprung the idea on you just now. you can forget i said anything if it made you uncomfortable.” he shifts his weight from foot to foot, nervously. “especially the part about catching feelings.” 

“it’s fine,” you say softly, but there’s a little disappointment stinging at you. does he regret it? 

“but also, if you’d like, i would really love to do all those things with you,” the words come out in a rush, as if he’s trying to be brave. “as fake lovers. without feelings attached.” 

you don’t know what to say, and you can tell that for each second you stay silent, haechan is growing less and less confident behind the door. you run things through in your head quickly. this plan meant that you were able to jump headlong into romantic experiences you’ve dreamt of for what felt like your whole life, without the potential of them being ruined by a bad date, or waiting for years more to find the right one. and most of all, you trusted haechan with this.

haechan is leaning against the opposite wall, looking at the floorboards, but his head shoots up when you open the door. 

taking a deep breath, you look him in the eyes. “let’s do it.” 

“really?” shocked, he reaches for you — maybe to wrap you in his arms for a hug, but drops them, remembering what he had said about making you feel uncomfortable. putting his hands behind his back to resist the urge to swing you into the air, his expression of surprise melts into a huge smile. one that makes you laugh. 

“you’re more excited about this than me,” you tease, and because you just can’t help it, you step forward and give him a quick hug. “thanks for doing this with me.” 

instantly, his arms loop around your waist, squeezing tightly. “thank you for trusting me.” 

the butterflies in your stomach, however, tell you that you were maybe being a bit too trusting. without feelings attached. because would that really be possible with him, who’s currently making your heart race and your breath catch? 

x

it was a week since the beach house. and while the opening of summer felt optimistic and hopeful, now everyone had to wander back to their lives and figure out exactly what they were going to do for the next three months. jeno and renjun had an ongoing bet that jaemin would be fired from his summer job within the week. and jaemin had a bet with you that jeno and renjun wouldn’t find themselves a job that entire summer.

but you knew exactly what you were going to do for the season. and it all started with getting in the passenger seat of haechan’s car as he took you to a waffles place for breakfast. 

“hey.” 

“hi.” he flashes a quick smile at you. “you look nice today.” 

“really?” you adjust the collar of your shirt self-consciously, checking on your hair through the rearview mirror. 

“no, i lied.” he laughs, and the sound is all too fitting for the morning sunshine that flits in through the windows. “yes, i mean it. i like your shirt.”

“my shirt?” 

“just take the compliment.” 

you can’t help a smile of your own. “okay. i will.”

for a while, he drives in silence. it’s a peaceful sense of calm that you think you’ll come to enjoy. there’s a lot of comfort in just sitting next to haechan, watching his hands move on the wheel, his careful eyes scanning the road.

“so, y/n, i took a look at your list,” he starts. 

you had texted him a small list of the things you were thinking about doing. the classic dinner and a movie. going to the amusement park. sharing a kiss while watching fireworks. 

feeling a little shy all of a sudden in his car, you nod. “is it a bit much?”

“not at all,” he says quickly. “i was just wondering how you’ve never done some of those things before. i would’ve thought going to the amusement park was entry level honeymoon phase stuff.” 

you nod approvingly. “it’s sweet that you think so.” 

“didn’t you use to have a boyfriend?” 

“i did,” you muse. “i dated mark a while ago.” 

“our senior?” 

“yeah.” looking out the window at the cars passing by, you think back to your time with mark. “he was always nice to me. but we never really went out and did things. we broke up because i was someone who loved romance, and he wasn’t.” 

 “i see.” haechan hesitates. there was something about the way you talked about mark that unsettled him, but he couldn’t pinpoint what it was. “do you think you could get back together with him?” 

“trying to pass me off onto someone else already?” you don’t pick up on the shift in haechan’s tone, and mistake it for genuine curiosity. “i guess i could. maybe after these years apart he wants something romantic too.” 

although the morning was warm, haechan felt a sense of cold sweep through him. he tries to brush it off. “well, thank your lucky stars you have me now” 

looking over at him, his hair falling slightly over his eyes, the troubled crease of his brow, your thoughts of mark immediately clear. “thank you,” you say, a little too emotionally for the early morning and this car ride. 

he looks over at you, and his chest eases up at the warmth in your eyes. “don’t mention it,” he says, and smiling at you is the easiest thing in the world.

x

the line for popcorn at the movies had stopped moving. fidgeting from the cold of the cinema, you wrap your arms around yourself as haechan stands by you, scrolling on his phone for a deal that he saw for a discounted drink combo. one arm slung casually over your shoulders, you lean into his touch just a little. 

today he was helping you out by taking you for a date. specifically, the classic dinner and a movie idea that has been long since rendered obsolete, but you had never had a chance to do. standing in line, his fingertips brushing your shoulder, you recall how he had showed up 5 minutes early outside your apartment, holding a small bouquet of flowers, and doing the thing where he flicked his fingers to splay out the two movie tickets he had ordered early on. the two of you had dinner at a nice italian restaurant, and he had offered to pay but you insisted, since you were technically making him do all of this. 

“are you cold?” drawing you out of your thoughts, you turn to see haechan, concern causing his eyebrows to furrow and his heart-shaped lips to form a slight pout. “why didn’t you bring a jacket? you knew we were going to watch a movie.” 

the line moves forward by a fraction of an inch, and you take a step forward, haechan now standing slightly behind you. “i completely forgot,” you whined. “i just haven’t watched a movie at the cinema in a while.” 

haechan bites back a smile, and slots his phone into his back pocket. the arm that is slung over your shoulder drops to your waist, while his other comes to circle around you from behind, and before you know it he’s pressed up against your back. you can feel the heat of his skin even with the thick hoodie he’s wearing over. dropping his head onto your shoulder, you feel him smile against your neck. “there,” he whispers. “now you won’t be cold anymore.” 

trying to steady your nerves, you stare resolutely ahead. “couldn’t have just given me your jacket like a normal person?” 

he shakes his head cutely, his soft hair tickling your jaw. “nope.” 

you make sure your voice stays resolutely calm. “then what will we do during the movie? you’ll be sitting next to me.” 

the line moves forward and haechan straightens, but his arms never leave your side. “guess you’ll have to hold on tight.”

and so you do. he ends up draping the hoodie over you during the movie, and he clings onto your arm, head resting on your shoulder. you hold on after the movie when he drops you off at home, grabbing onto his arm to steady yourself getting out of his car.

you hold on when he takes you for the next date at the amusement park; and when he tilts your chin upwards to press a kiss at the corner of your lips, your top-of-the-ferris-wheel moment,  you squeeze his hands in yours and move so your lips slot against his. you tell him with your smile that it’s alright. 

you hold on to him through your dates to the local aquarium, and to the beach. you let him pull you close as he drags you around the mall window-shopping, and as he guides you through clubs and restaurants. 

and if some part of you gets scared that it might be getting too real, if some part of you feels a little hurt whenever he brings up the list or when he removes your hand from his, you ignore it as best you can. 

x

“thanks for inviting me to this event,” you whisper, as you step into the doorway of the mansion, which really looks like a castle from the level of grandeur that meets your eyes. a man steps forward to take your coat, and you feel giddy. 

“nah, sorry for stealing you away on some random summer night.” haechan smiles, and you feel a tug in your heart. in his suit, he looks like he belongs here with all this finery, the slopes of his shoulders and the slight cinch of the waist looking elegant under the chandeliers, the rings scattered on his hands catching the light in pretty ways. “besides, it’s all part of the experience, isn’t it?” 

right. kissing and fireworks. trying to disguise the squeezing feeling in your chest, you smile back. “why do you keep bringing that up?” 

“do you not want me to?” there’s something careful about the way he looks at you. 

“i don’t.” you say, quietly. 

“then i won’t.” he extends an arm for you to take. “tonight you’ll just be my date.” and with your heart thundering up your throat, he steers you into the warmth of the room.

you spend most of the night in the same giddy spiral of emotions, as he twirls you on the dance floor expertly, and winces dramatically when you step on his toes. your hands never leave each others’ grasps, as you stand around tables eating finger-food and drinking champagne. as the party went on, he introduced you through holding up your clasped palms to each of his parent’s friends, earning a lot of cooing and fussing about. 

“haechan, how well you’ve grown up!” 

“is this your girlfriend? haechan is so lucky to be with such a beautiful girl like you.” 

“haechan! come say hello to the kids, they miss you!” 

“this won’t take long,” he mumbles sadly to you, as an aunt of his insists he meet his cousins upstairs. “i’ll meet you at the bar, okay?” 

“okay,” you smile, inwardly dying at the idea of haechan interacting with kids. as if he couldn’t get infinitely cuter. “have fun!” 

“don’t let someone steal my date away,” he warns, as he’s pulled away. “i mean it – you’re mine tonight.” 

you’re mine. you feel like you’re floating on a cloud as you make your way to the bar, you’re sure you’re at least swaying on your feet. 

“woah.” a hand reaches out to steady you, helping you settle into a seat. “too much champagne?” 

you gape at the man who’s sitting next to you now. “mark?” 

fidgeting with the collar of his suit and looking very uncomfortable, he nods in greeting. “didn’t know you were coming to this thing.” 

you look at him. he had gotten a haircut recently. but besides that in terms of appearance, he looked just as he did when the two of you were together, except for the fact that something about his demeanor was off. he looked tired, and there was something weary about his posture that hadn’t been there before. 

“i was invited,” you tell him. “how are you here?” 

“one of the ladies there is my aunt.” he pauses. “you’ve never met her. are you enjoying yourself?”

you think back to haechan’s smile as he sways underneath the lights, holding your hips. before you know it, you’re smiling too. “it’s a nice night. this place is really beautiful.” 

mark studies you for a moment.  “how have you been?” 

“i’ve been alright.” you figure since there aren’t any hard feelings, you don’t have to make anything up as you would for an ex you were bitter over. mark was still a nice person, and he had been good to you in the right ways. 

“it’s summer, so i’ve been going out more i guess. how about you?”

“i’ve been alright.” he downs his glass of white wine and signals for another one in a fluid motion, and you raise your eyebrows. shaking his head, he changes his answer. 

“okay, things could be better.” 

“why?” 

“just been feeling a little lonely.” 

you are so taken aback, that you let out a laugh. he looks at you, affronted, and somehow the furrow of his eyebrows makes you laugh even harder. 

“i’m sorry,” you calm yourself down. “i wasn’t laughing at you, not really. it’s just…” you take a sip of your own drink. “i was in the exact same situation say a few months ago.” at his bewildered expression, you gesture. “please continue, though.”

mark shrugs and goes along with it. “i guess i was just realizing that i wasn’t as happy as i could be. there were times where i would be – i don’t know, having dinner, and i’d just think ‘damn. really wish i had someone with me right now.’ you know?” 

“i do know.” you nod. “it’s crazy we’re experiencing the same thing, after, you know, so many years.” 

“yeah.” he looks at you carefully. “crazy.” 

“hey baby.” 

a hand slides possessively around your waist, and you jump. the next thing you know, a pair of lips are kissing their way down your neck, as another hand snakes its way around you until you are fully in their embrace. craning your head up, you already know who you’re going to see.

“hi haechan,” you say breathlessly. 

“sorry for leaving you for so long,” he murmurs, intermittently, as he continues to plant wet kisses on your neck. “the kids were going crazy.” 

feeling like you were about to burn up into a crumble of ashes, you splutter out, “we have company.” 

pulling away from you, haechan turns and stares at mark, coldly. “sorry, i didn’t notice.” his hand still draped over you, you can almost hear the forced normalcy in his voice when he asks, “and you are…?” 

“mark,” mark supplies, awkwardly fidgeting with the coaster under his glass. 

looking up at him, you see a flash of something race through haechan’s eyes, as he tightens his hold on you. “mark. well, hello, and goodbye.” 

he pulls you to your feet, and you set down your drink hurriedly and latch onto his arm. “say goodbye to mark, sweetheart.” 

“bye mark. things will get better, i’m sure of it,” you say, still left breathless by the turn of events. 

raising his eyebrows, he turns back to the bar. “see you around y/n.” 

“i don’t think so,” haechan chirps brightly, before tugging you away and past the throes of people, down a narrow hallway that was deserted. 

“haechan, what are you doing?” 

even in the dim lit of the hall, you can see his glower. “what were you talking to mark about?” 

“i don’t know…” you shake your head, still a bit lost. “just about life, i guess.” 

“did he ask to get back together with you?” he blurts out, suddenly. 

“what? no!” you splutter. 

“i heard him say he was lonely. who the fuck says that to their ex unless they want to get back together?” 

you take the hard look in his eyes. hesitantly, you call out. “haechan?” 

he huffs. 

“he didn’t want to get back together, i promise.” he looks at you, warily. “and even if he did, i wouldn’t want to get back together with him.” 

it is almost laughable how quickly his expression clears. 

“you wouldn’t?” 

“i wouldn’t,” you confirm. “i told you, i’m completely over it.” 

“okay,” he sighs, in something that sounds like relief. and before you could even register it, he pulls you into a hug, crushing you against him. “sorry, i guess i got nervous.” 

“that’s alright,” you whisper, wrapping your arms around him firmly, feeling his heartbeat against your ears, and you smile when you realise it’s racing. 

“hey it’s almost midnight,” he dips down to whisper into your hear. “do you want to go to the balcony to watch the fireworks?” as you nod, he leads you gently away from the corridor and through a set of glass doors, stepping out onto a beautiful balcony. the night air smells like honey and roses, and the sky is clear and bright with moonlight.  

you feel a tug at your fingertips, and you look to your side to find him smiling as he looks up. 

“what are you smiling about?” 

he hums. “i’m smiling about the fact that my date is the prettiest girl at the party.” 

you pretend to wrinkle your nose, and use your free hand to hit him on the shoulder. “corny.” 

“you love it.” 

and because it’s been weeks, and haechan is slowly making a home in your heart, you decide you need to at least start acknowledging the honest truth of the matter, so you don’t say anything. 

as the night sky fills with fireworks and the people inside the party cheer, he turns to hold your face in his hands, the tenderness and warmth in his eyes unparalleled by the lights in the sky. 

you tilt your face up to kiss him, and as his arms fall to your waist, with a jolt you remember his voice at the bar. hey baby. the term of endearment swirls in your chest, and makes you drape your arms around his shoulders and pull him just a little closer. the two of you don’t break apart for what feels like hours, as you lose yourself in the feeling of his soft lips on yours, the brush of your noses, and the slight tremble of his fingertips on your cheeks. it feels and tastes as real as you have ever known. 

x

except it’s not real. and you can’t ignore it. so you avoid it. 

keeping busy and finally diving into all the things you wanted to do for the summer was your only way of telling haechan you couldn’t make it for the next ‘date’, or the next. you can tell he’s a little confused, but since the whole thing was your idea, he’s trying his best to respect whatever pace you’re deciding to go with. you push it all away, and you try to live life without thinking of him and his hands, the way he closes his eyes in bliss when the sunlight makes his skin glow, the way his hair looks after he tugs his hoodie off, and the feel of his lips when he presses his face into the crook of your neck when he thinks you’re not paying attention. 

it’s late. you think you’ve definitely just had the longest day you’ve had all summer, running errands all around the city. all you wanted to do was lie in bed and put on a show that you could fall asleep to. lazily changing into your favorite pajamas, you set up your laptop on your bed, and you’re just about to press play when your phone screen lit up the dark room. 

jaem: wru

one of jaemin’s summer house parties must’ve been today. you were so tired that you forgot. 

y/n: too tired :( i don’t think i’ll go sorry

jaem: haechan needs you

you’re sure your heart actually stops beating for a second. haechan needs you. and just like that, your imagination kicks into overdrive, wondering what he could possibly need you for. 

holding your breath, you watch the three dots on your screen indicating jaemin typing for what seems like ages before your phone buzzes again. 

jaem: super hammered needs u to drive him home lol sry my bad that sounded weird

you let out a sigh of relief, but you can’t shake the adrenaline that rushed into you when you first saw the message.

y/n: can’t you let him crash at your place 

jaem: he won’t stop ASKING for u it’s driving everyone crazy 

a voice message comes through. he plays it, and it’s someone breathing really heavily. you’re beginning to wonder if jaemin sent this on accident, when haechan’s voice, low and husky from the alcohol, murmurs through the phone. 

“y/n can you hear me? i wanna….wanna see you… please…i’ll do anything…” 

“YOU’RE NOT BEING KIDNAPPED,” jaemin’s voice rings out, his words a little slurred but doing nothing to conceal the impatience in his tone. “GET A GRIP MAN.” 

“PLEAAAAASE”, he raises his voice in an impressive whine, and you wince in second-hand embarrassment because you’re sure the entire living room must have heard that. “I MISS YOU.” 

the voice message ends.

jaem: what a loser but yeah you get the gist of it

y/n: okay i’m on the way. can you get him on the phone? 

jaem: do it yourself

x

on the drive there, you do call haechan. 

he picks up halfway through the first ring of the phone. “y/n?”

“hi haechan. i’m on the way.” 

“don’t lie to me,” he mumbles. “honk your car horn.” 

“i’m not going to do that!,” you hiss, as if he were right here with you. “there are cars around.” 

“liar,” he breathes. there’s a pause, and when you next speak you’re startled to hear his voice wobble. “liar. you’re not coming to get m-” 

you slam your palm into your car horn, feeling your cheeks burn. 

on the other end, he sniffles, and you presume he’s nodding at you. “okay. stay safe.” 

“i will.” you hesitate. “is everything okay? did something happen at the party? are you hurt?”

he sighs over the phone. “everything is not okay,” he sniffles again, “because you’re not here.” 

you swallow hard. you want to take a hand off the wheel and slap yourself, because you need to remember that he’s not himself right now, and he might regret this all in the morning. you calm yourself down before responding as lightly as you can. “haechan i’ll be there any minute now, okay? but you have to tell me if something happened and if you want to talk about it.” 

he breathes heavily into the receiver. eventually, he mumbles out, “nothing happened.” shuffling, a pause, and then… “just miss you that’s all. i want to do more…more experience-y stuff with you.” more to himself than to you, he rambles on. “we’re falling behind you know. how are we going to finish this by the end of summer?” 

a shot of pain twists at your guts, and you feel nauseous. so he really just wants to get all of this over and done with. you want to stop the car so you can throw up. you want to turn it back around. you’re suddenly regretting dropping everything just because he wanted to see you, because if this was why… 

you keep driving on autopilot. the call has gone silent, but you can hear haechan breathing on the other end, and it’s driving you mad. you have no right to yell at him, but you almost do. 

when you pull up at jaemin’s driveway, you clear your throat. your voice controlled, you say, “i’m here now. you want me to come in and get you?” 

“okay. i’m in the 1st floor bathroom.” 

x

the front door swings open, and you’re met with jaemin. at first, you think he’s going to tell you off for taking so long, but something in your face causes the words to die in his throat. 

“y/n?” he asks. “are you okay?” 

and before you know it, you’re wrapped in his arms in a hug and you’re bawling like you hadn’t for months. the built up pressure of avoiding haechan, of having to get into character as his girlfriend and having to get out of character just as often, and all your confusion at your feelings leave you sobbing and you just can’t stop. jaemin’s running his hands down your back and making soft, soothing noises. 

you realise that you just really, really, missed your best friend. 

“i’m s-sorry,” you choke out. “i haven’t come round to see you ever since the start of s-summer.” 

“it’s okay,” he shakes his head, and leans back to look at you, wiping tears off your face gently. “we’ve both been busy.” 

but you shake your head. “i really need to talk to you. i need your opinion in my life.” 

he laughs at that. “i never thought i’d hear you say that.” 

you just go back to hugging him as you slowly calm down, and the constricting feeling in your chest eases. but after a moment, your phone buzzes in your pocket, and when you check it you see that haechan has spammed your text messages with a bunch of ‘?????????’ and sad faces. 

jaemin, ever the nosiest person in the room, is looking at your phone with a frown. “you never told me you started dating haechan, by the way.” 

ignoring the twist in your stomach, you shake your head. “that’s because i’m not.” jaemin raises his eyebrows, and you elaborate. “we’re just doing coupley things. for the experience.” 

narrowing his eyes because he knows you way too well, jaemin asks, “was this something you decided in the middle of the night? it’s sounding very classic middle-of-the-night-y/n ….” but at the look of frustration on your face, he immediately drops it. “okay, okay. not now. i get it.” 

“y/n? are you here?”

you still, as haechan shuffles into view. he squints, until he confirms that it’s you, and suddenly he’s rushing towards you giddily and unsteadily, his socked feet slipping and sliding on the floor of the hallway until hes collapsed in your arms. 

and there it is: his damn face in your neck again.

“wondered where you were, angel” you feel his hot breath against the base of your neck, and shivers shoot down your spine. “can i call you that? is it allowed?” 

exchanging glances with you, seeing how this was slowly making you go insane, jaemin reaches out hesitantly to pry him off of you. “haechan, maybe it’s best if you stay at my place tonight-” 

but haechan is quick to shrug him off, and with an agility that he shouldn’t be capable of in his state he pivots behind you and clings onto your back. his face once again buried in your neck. 

“don’t wanna,” he shakes his head vigorously. “wanna stay with y/n.” 

“y/n doesn’t want to stay with you,” jaemin starts forward again, making eye contact with you as he confirms, “right, y/n?” 

haechan spins you around in his hold, with the most wounded expression you’ve ever seen from him, or anyone for that matter. his eyes filling with tears, his cheeks flushed and his lip wobbling in an alarming way, he chokes out, “you d-don’t want…to s-stay…with me?” 

“i do, i do.” you assure him, trying to soothe him by drawing circles on his back with your thumb as he bites back sobs. over haechan’s back, you can see jaemin sigh defeatedly. “what am i supposed to do, he’s about to cry!” you hiss at him.

“he can cry on cue,” jaemin mouths. 

pause. what?

you look back at haechan’s face, but every expression seems to be genuine: his bottom lip caught between his teeth and the tears shimmering in his lashes, his hands — which he barely seems to be aware of — caressing your sides nervously, as if afraid you were going to disappear into thin air. 

“haechan,” you start. “are you lying to me?” 

x

but that was the wrong thing to say. the better part of the next hour was spent trying to console a weeping and sobbing haechan on his knees, who would not stop clutching your waist and biting jaemin when he tried to pry him off of you. and then it was guiding him to your car, and another round of consoling as you assured him that no, you weren’t going to disappear as you were driving, and no, you could not drive one-handed so you could not hold his hand the entire way, but yes, he could put his hand on your thigh if he promised he wouldn’t do anything else. 

you end up reaching, and then driving away from haechan’s apartment, because he would not leave the car without you and you figured that you might as well get a good night’s sleep at your own home. and somehow, you end up digging out some of mark’s old clothes out from the back of your closet for him to wear. and now, you’re standing between his legs, brushing his teeth for him while he looks at you adoringly. 

he mumbles something intelligible, his mouth full of toothpaste foam, and you shake your head tiredly at him. 

“nuh-uh. rinse your mouth out first.” 

you hold the spare mug up to his mouth and his lips wrap around the rim of it obediently. turning to spit in the sink, he swivels back to face you, his arms never leaving your side. 

“i’m sorry.” he says, quietly. 

“it’s okay. i know you’d do the same for me,” you say, patiently, because it’s true. if you were drunk, haechan would definitely drop everything to make sure you were safe. 

that you were sure of, because that was just the kind of person he was. 

“no,” he tugs his bottom lip with his teeth again, looking nervous. “it’s not about that.” his arms remove themself from your waist and he wraps them around himself instead. all of a sudden, you’ve never felt colder. 

“what do you mean?” 

he doesn’t look at you in the eye when he answers. “sorry for bringing up our deal. that’s not why i miss you.” 

you think you could cry. “really?” he nods, but his eyes are still on the floor. “haechan…” you press. “look at me.” 

he looks up. he looks so pretty right there, his heart-shaped lips and moles scattered haphazardly over his cheeks and nose. 

“so why do you miss me?” you ask, hoping against hope. his lips part, and for a split second you think he’s going to lean forward and kiss you. 

but then his lips press together. he shakes his head. and again. and then he slides off the counter, brushes past you and out of the bathroom despite you calling his name. and when you break yourself out of your daze and walk, trembling slightly, to your bedroom, you see him tucked under the covers, fast asleep. 

x

“i still don't’ get this ‘quiet haechan’ thing you keep going on about,” jaemin chews thoughtfully on a forkful of salad. “but okay, i’ll bite.” 

you’re having lunch with jaemin for the first time in weeks. with nothing much going on in his life for the summer, him waving you off when you apologised again about not checking in with him, the two of you breezed past your usual topics and quickly moved on to the elephant in the room: you and your fake relationship with haechan. 

nervously, you pick at your fries. “do you think i should just tell him we can stop now?” 

jaemin shook his head. “that’s not the main problem.” ever the mom best friend, he takes a pause for dramatic effect before leaning in. “the main problem is that your catching feelings policy is completely shit.” 

you glare at him, but don’t manage to keep it up. he’s right. “you think i should ask him about that?” 

“of course.” jaemin shrugs. “but you could also just confess and see what happens.” at your mortified expression, he raises a hand to calm you down. “you never know until you try.” 

unwilling to address the fact that he assumed you were in love with haechan, and the fact that he was probably right, you argue back. “you’re the one who’s friends with the both of us. do you have any idea if he maybe likes me or not?” 

“i’m not telling you,” jaemin says, stubbornly. “you have to make the decision and accept the risks it comes with.” 

you put your head in your hands. “i really hate you sometimes.”

x 

as it turned out, ‘sometimes’ turned out to be occuring quite frequently, because jaemin seemed hell bent on getting you to talk to haechan, even if it was through the most roundabout ways. 

such as inviting the beach-house group of friends over for dinner the next day, just so you had a reason to talk to haechan. 

and that led you to where you were, currently, jaemin putting the cap back on his black marker as the words “ASK ABT CATCH FEELINGS POLICY” scrawled over your wrist and palm. 

“i’ll remember to ask him, i swear,” you say impatiently, trying to wriggle your arm out of his grasp, but jaemin was a man on a mission. 

“i don’t trust you,” he insists. “this way, even if you don’t bring it up, he’ll read it off your arm, and you will both talk it out.” finishing up with a few exclamation points, he caps his marker triumphantly. 

you’re about to head to the bathroom to wash it off, when haechan shuffles into the living room, and embarrassingly it’s as if your mind is wiped clean. 

between the night he slept over and now, the two of you had only seen each other once. he had called to apologize for bothering you the night of jaemin’s party, and you made plans to have lunch together, not dinner (because night time was always an emotional affair for the two of you, as evidenced in the past few weeks). 

sitting in the sun, staring at him while he talked, the two of you eating in semi-silence, was enough for you to realise that no matter what time of day it was you would always be a little too giddy over him. the two of you, in some sort of mutual agreement, had left it at that — him bidding you goodbye with a pat on the shoulder, of all things. 

and now, standing in front of you, his eyes just as confusing with their tenderness, you think that jaemin may be onto something. 

“so how can i help?” haechan looks around the room, his mind on the dinner. “do we have all the materials? or…” 

“everything’s in the kitchen, haechan,” you nod in the direction of the dining table. “i’ll show you.” 

haechan nods, more to himself than you. then, hesitantly, he starts, “y/n…” 

something had to give. but not now, not as you felt everything in you crashing down, your heart threatening to spill over at the edges just at the sight of him again. 

“we’re good.” you interrupt. “everything’s going to be okay, haechan.” 

he bites his lip. 

“it will be,” you insist. “we’ll talk later, okay?” 

his expression clears a little at that. “okay.” 

x

in the car on the way home, jaemin insisting haechan drive you, it begins to drizzle slightly. after the moment from just now, the two of you had almost been able to go back to normal, working side by side and sitting together during dinner. topics opening up between you, discussing what happened in the days you hadn’t seen each other. things were comfortable, and you almost felt like you could go back to ignoring the aching feeling in your chest. 

it slowly starts to end when the car peels into the street in front of your apartment. the two of you go quiet, and haechan’s body is tense as he looks straight ahead.

you realise you hadn’t even brought up what you had meant to say. 

“do you…maybe…want to come inside?” you suggest. “we could watch a movie?”

“it’s late.” he says, almost automatically. he looks over at you, and you look so hesitant and sad. fuck. something stirs inside his chest, and suddenly he wants to do anything to take that look away from your face. 

“i mean, i could. just for a movie.” 

you smile, and haechan relaxes.

x

cozied up on your bed, haechan in a pair of sweats he had left over some other time, you slump against him as your eyes flicker between watching the movie on your laptop screen, and watching him. something about the way things were going tonight told you this might be the last time you could be with him like this, and you wanted to cherish it while you could. 

the music swells in the random drama film you picked, and you are feeling that feeling again, the one that you get when you’re about to spill your soul out, and even with haechan’s warmth against you — his arm tucked into your waist and your head resting against his chest, the reality that he wasn’t yours was crashing down all the walls in your heart. 

he realises you’re crying before you do, as he registers the jagged breathing from your chest, and the soft sounds you’re making. 

“y/n? what’s wrong?” 

“i-i, i just.” you breathe, and your sobs wreck through your words, each one stabbing painfully at his chest. “i’m just s-so tired of not h-having someone who loves me that much.” 

running a hand up and down your back, haechan makes soft cooing noises as you bury your face in his chest. “okay. so watching this film was a baaaad idea.” 

you’re muffled sobs soak through his hoodie, and you press it closer to your face because it smells safe and it smells like him. your emotions running away from you, you splutter out, “maybe i’ll never find s-someone. maybe i just have to deal w-with it. these experiences are just t-temporary fixes, aren’t they? i’ll never find someone who l-loves me. i mean, right now i am so in love with you and you don’t even seem to c-care —” 

haechan stills. he sits there, motionless, you still quivering in his arms, as his brain kicks into overdrive. 

you’re in love with him? 

incoherent, you’re still talking on and on, and suddenly he knows it isn’t something he should be hearing. 

“shut up.” he says, quietly, but you ignore him and ramble on. “shut up,” he insists. 

“you d-don’t want me,” you sob, and somewhere in the back of your mind you know you’ll be embarrassed about this later, but for now all you could focus on was the fact that haechan wasn’t reacting because he was probably completely disgusted at the idea of even being with you. “i-i started to ignore you because it was too difficult to be around you, and suddenly you show up drunk and asking for me, and then you just act like nothing happened and i have the feeling that i’ll never see you again-”

“fuck it,” he breathes, and suddenly he’s holding your face in his hands, moving you away from his chest. “shut up, y/n. please.” and then he is kissing you, his mouth moving on yours, begging you to understand. you think he’s drawing the breath straight from your lungs, and you’re sure your lips will bruise, but you kiss him back with even more fervor, settling your weight on his lap as you lean into him, and he groans. 

breaking away from you, breathing heavily, he reaches for your hands and begins to press kisses to your knuckles, trying to ease you. 

“haechan…” you start, because everything is so confusing to you at this moment. “don’t-you don’t mean it-”

“what’s this?” he interrupts, as he flips your palm up, raking the sleeves of your hoodie upwards so the words “ASK ABT CATCH FEELINGS POLICY!!!!!”, smudged but unmistakable, could be read even in the dim room. 

“oh, y/n…” he whispers, reaching to stroke your cheek. leaning into his palm, completely lost in his touch, you mumble on. 

“jaemin said our catching feelings policy was shit…” you blurt out. “and i agree. i want a new one. i want to be allowed to love you.” 

gently, haechan continues to whisper to you. “you’re the one making the rules.” trembling, his arms wrap around you, and he rocks you in his hold tenderly. “you’ve always been the one making the rules. i would do anything you told me to. i would love you if you asked.” 

you don’t understand any of the words he’s saying. “no,” you raise your voice a little louder, even though he’s still speaking in that low voice. “you don’t want me.” your eyes fill with tears, you can see it now: he’s comforting you, he’s lying to you because you’re crying, and haechan is nothing but good to you, a kindness and gentleness in everything he does that you just know you’ll never feel again. 

“y/n that’s not true,” he shakes his head resolutely. “please believe me.” 

his voice is patient and soothing, and it’s that tone which slowly calms you down. the gentle rhythm of his hands tracing circles on your arms allowing you to breathe easier, and relax a little in his hold to be able to really look at him. and it’s the worry in his eyes, and softness in the way he’s looking at you which makes something click into place in your head. 

and so what if everything in your relationship with him was supposed to be fake — the dates, the moments he’s introduced you as his girlfriend. everything else in between had started to be real for you — the kisses, the time you told him not to mention the deal or the list or the experience at all and so he didn’t, brushing his teeth for him as he sat on the counter, skin brushing against yours.

and so what if it was real for him too — the times where he’s held your hand or pulled you close when you weren’t paying attention, the nights on the drive back when he would look over at you incessantly?

untangling yourself from him, you reach for the notebook and pen you keep on your nightstand.  he doesn’t stop you, tilting his head in confusion. 

“what are you doing?” 

holding it out to him, your heart hammering in your chest, you gesture for him to take it. “write me something i can read when i wake up. it’s so i have…,” you take a breath. “it’s so i have proof that it’s real.”

something stirs in haechan’s chest. taking the pen in his hands, he begins to scrawl on the notebook, looking up at you as he’s writing. 

“if you still feel the same way, call me as soon as possible, okay?” 

“okay,” you promise, breathlessly. 

the yearning in your eyes is driving him crazy. guiltily, he reaches for you again, and slots his lips in yours, holding you tightly against him. as if kissing you was the last thing he would ever get to do. 

you have half a mind to move into his lap, wrap your legs around his waist and keep him with you forever, but already he pries your hands away from him and heads for the door, reluctance making his movements disjointed and shaky. 

“go to sleep, y/n.” he says, gently. “i’ll see you soon.” 

and with that, he’s gone, and you’re left on your bed, the note at your bedside burning a hole into your table. shutting away your laptop, you curl up under the covers, and somewhere in your mind you pray that the light of day doesn’t treat you too harshly.  

x

dear y/n, 

last night you told me that you were in love with me. i don’t know if it was the loneliness, or even if it was too late at night for you to be thinking straight. all i know is that i love you too. i didn’t think you would want me unless we were playing pretend. but now i can’t look at you without realising i am completely fucking in love with you. i’m sorry that you never knew, and that somehow i messed up to the point where you didn’t believe me when i told you. if you wake up tomorrow and you still want me, call me. i will do everything with you again if it means it’ll be real. 

love, haechan

x 

it’s a little difficult to be around your friend group when they’re all like this. 

summer was drawing to a close, the optimism at the start and the feeling of endless days under the sun slowly fading to a blistering heat, which then slowly tapered out into a hazy sense of being in limbo. soon the seasons would change, the days get shorter and the nights grow longer, the loneliest parts of the year stretching out before everyone. the sense that this had been another summer of wasted potential, the sense of taking a deep breath before the dive, of holding love close to one’s heart and hoping it’s enough to last through the winter, hanging in the air.

you had walked over to jaemin’s apartment for breakfast with everyone, practicing the entire way. you were going to tell haechan you wanted to talk to him. pull him away from the group, and talk to him in a separate room. the letter from last night, from him, seeming to burn right through your palms, words you wanted to echo right back at him. 

but when you opened the door, you realise he wasn’t there. instead, everyone else sat slumped around the living room, prodding at various snacks and cans, and waving at you lazily as you picked your way through them, looking for the familiar mop of brown hair and eyes you had come to love. 

“jaemin,” you make your way to your friend, who’s crumpled into the couch himself. 

“hey y/n,” he smiles at you easily. “how did it go yesterday?” 

“well it’s still going,” you admit. “where’s haechan?” 

jaemin furrows his brow. “i swear he just arrived. i think he said something about getting us breakfast.” 

your body moves before you can think to, winding through the room and carrying you towards the front door and out into the driveway. and there it is — his car, slowing backing out. and through the window you can see him, looking over his shoulder, the familiar twist of his neck you knew so well. the arm he would throw over the passenger seat. 

you call out to him, and by some miracle he hears you. he stops the car jerkily, and you rush towards him. he had just barely gotten out of the car when you fall into his arms — you think you never want to be separated from him again. 

squeezing you against his chest, he murmurs next to your ear. “you read my message?” you nod. “i meant every word,” he says, kissing the crown of your head. “i know we’ve done this all backwards. really sometimes i just wish i could go back and ask you out like i should have done.” 

“i don’t regret it,” you tell him truthfully. stepping back from his hold, you interlock his hands with yours, relishing the familiar feeling. “i don’t regret any of the things we did.” 

“me neither.” he hesitates. “actually…maybe i regret getting drunk at jaemin’s party.” he shuffles his feet. “i missed you a lot, and i feel like i should have just told you then.” 

“maybe.” pause. “or you should tell me again now, because i don’t think i’ve heard you say it.” and it’s something that’s a little teasing, because at this point you know he loves you just as much as you love him, but haechan takes it so seriously — straightening up, he holds your hands against his chest, looking deep into your eyes. you feel a little out of breath from the way he’s looking at you. 

“i’m really sorry,” he starts. “for everything. i love you so much. everything i ever told you, every time we’ve touched, it was real for me.” 

“and if i believe you?” 

he smiles. and it’s a look you know so well, the familiarity in reading his expressions and talking to him without words hitting you full force. 

“just tell me you love me too,” he says, softly. “not because it’s at night, and you’re feeling lonely, and not while you’re crying. was it real for you too?”

and even though you’re soon interrupted by jaemin, who urges the two of you to go get breakfast together. even though the two of you keep making lists of places you want to go, and things which feel like love to you — haechan presenting you with music to dance in the kitchen to, afternoons spent restaurant hopping and nights spent driving to look at the ocean and sit under the stars. even as winter eventually rolls around, and the two of you bundle yourselves up in the apartment, his cheeks perpetually a shade of red which makes you want to kiss him —

neither of you forget the way it all started. that first time he held your hand in the middle of the kitchen and warmed you all the way through.  because everything was real. and in a way, it always had been.

[pyschedtrickster]

TADC Ep 2 - Depression and the Meaning of Life

Well, I may or may not be a day late to release of the episode, but I've watched it three times so far and I have some thoughts. Let's get the gritty stuff outta the way.

First of all, The Amazing Digital Circus belongs to @gooseworx and therefore everything I say here is just my personal take on the episode. I could be wrong, talking out my ass, etc. But this episode really spoke to me, so good job Goose.

Secondly, spoilers <3

Third, I think I've written enough that people won't get jumpscared with spoilers. This is gonna be a long read, so bear with me. This post will contain ALL my thoughts on the episode, both meaningful and just silly things I liked.

BUBBLE

So anyone who knows me from Bunnydoll Burrow knows I love Bubble. They're my favorite so far and this episode only cemented that further. They're wonderful comedic relief and even if they don't have any character development (which I don't think they will), I will always love them.

Caine Cares Too Much

While watching this, I was immediately off-put by Caine's reactions, even beginning with him calling Zooble back. He sounds so... dire? I don't know if that was intended to mean something or if it was just to put emphasis on how much Caine cares about his creations. Caine is AI, so world-building is likely his ONLY goal, or his prompt if you will. It wouldn't surprise me if that was why he was so upset by everyone's reactions.

But I can't help but wonder if this will play into his character arc. We understand that Caine is ambiguous right now and there's no real explanation of what his intentions are in the Circus. Something about this just really set me off. It made me feel unsafe in a way as if staying behind would result in danger of some kind. Obviously, it couldn't be that bad, as Zooble did stay behind and turned out fine. Still, I can't shake the feeling that this is foreshadowing.

Zoobie

Hilarious. What a solid nickname, I've seen so many headcanons that Zooble would be a stoner in the real world. This only makes it better. They are now Zoobie in my mind.

Pomni's Child Comment

While I'm sure this was just a silly comment to be made, I kinda liked it. Just a little in-show reminder that through all of this, Pomni is a real, grown-ass woman stuck inside some digital Hell. The whole first episode, we see her wallowing and panicking, justifiably so. Finally, we get to see her grow more serious and stable.

Through the episode, we see more of her being a good character and becoming more at terms with her situation. I'll touch on this more soon.

Gangle

My girl CANNOT catch a break. Gangle is such a funny character and so, so sweet. She's level-headed in my opinion, even through her emotions. She seems to have a good grip on the shit happening around her but has a hard time communicating properly because she has a lot of feelings going on. Me too, honey, me too.

Even in the face of violence, danger, and overall shitfuckery, she doesn't shut down. Sure, she cries. But I've cried plenty of times while still holding the fort down. I think I just relate to her.

Lastly, I NEED to know what this means like I need oxygen.

Government Mandated Shipping

I dunno man, I just really liked this. I'm a shipper at heart. I've been writing fanfic since middle school. I saw pure fanfic material when I watched this scene.

Kinger and Raggs

This scene made me smile. It's a cute nod towards how Kinger is the longest-standing character and, according to some lost post of Goose's, Ragatha is the second. Plus, all of episodes one and two, we see her trying so hard to be a rock for Pomni. She tries to include everyone, keep everyone cheerful, and be a stable constant in a realm of chaos; Seeing Kinger recognize how far she's come and using that to bring her back to reason was just so refreshing. Ragatha deserves more appreciation like that: less about what she does for others, and more about what she's done for herself.

Jax's Disappointment

So we don't know much about Jax besides how Goose loves him and says he's an asshole who may or may not be irredeemable. When he started talking about violence and getting excited at the thought, I chalked it up to him being an ass. But it struck me just how much this mattered to Jax in this scene. I have questions, man. But I'm about to go on a wild tangent, so hear me out.

Jax is happy when being destructive. He gets immediately upset when things go well. And in the circus, we can assume that there have been a lot of traumatic, wild things that have occurred. I wonder if the chaos, the violence, is a comfort for Jax because of those traumatic experiences. As a person with trauma, I've learned that there's a funny cycle that I and other traumatized people experience.

We don't like the situations we're in, but when faced with normalcy, it's so much scarier than the damaging situation we come from. So, we run from 'normal' back into the suffocating arms of our traumatizing situations for comfort. Going back to the situation means more trauma, more trauma means a harder time finding peace in a safe, normal environment, which means more trauma... you get the picture.

So am I saying a fictional purple bunny is using violence in a digital realm to cope with the very real topic of trauma? Maybe. Yes. Yes, I am. This is how I cope.

Depression, Finding Your Place, and the Bigger Picture

Now you may be saying, "hey! You skipped over some major scenes to talk about silly stuff! What gives?"

Well, as the title of this post suggests, I had some heavier stuff to address in this episode and wanted to compile it all in one section. So that meant skipping over a scene to bunch it in with other ones. I'll break it down.

Depression

Let me begin with the fact that I have been diagnosed with depression for years now. I've been hospitalized for it and I've had family members struggle with it around me. This heavily influenced how I viewed this episode and specifically this scene.

Gummigoo had a perfectly reasonable reaction to seeing the perfect replica of him that is his model. Seeing something like that would shatter your world, and we see that happen to him immediately.

But when Gummigoo talked to Pomni and asked why anything matters, it gave me this really familiar feeling. Thoughts of being nothing, of feeling meaningless, the mere idea of being an obstacle--I've experienced all of these. I'm sure others have. Pomni was right when she said it's normal. Everyone has felt down from time to time.

But what Gummigoo is talking about really hit home with my depression. Thoughts like these, especially when they linger for long, change how you view the world. Everything is tinted blue and desaturated. You feel empty and eventually, so does the world around you. You feel like when the party is over and everyone leaves, you disappear--or you think you should, at least.

"Why are you trying to cheer me up? How does this benefit you at all?"

And it's so, so hard to accept help when feeling like this. Depression is a bitch in the way that it wants you to stay depressed. It feels like everyone around you wants you to feel better because it is a convenience for them. It almost feels transactional if you smile.

But Pomni says it so beautifully; "I guess I just don't want you to feel like you're nothing. I don't want anybody to feel like that."

The way she says it makes me feel like she knows the feeling too, and in reality, she says she does understand in a way how Gummigoo feels. But that? That made it real for me. I don't know why. This whole scene, the entrapment and loneliness despite not actually being alone, just embodied how I've felt for years. What amazing writing.

Finding Your Place

This scene was really the cherry on top of everything I just spoke about. We see that these two understand each other, at least as much as they can. They recognize all of this, it's ridiculous. They're hurtling through space into the unknown, hoping everything works out. They may feel empty, but they're not alone. They've got each other, for better or worse. Maybe they don't know where they belong in this liminal space, but they know where they stand in each other's minds.

And then we get this ending scene. God. Fuck.

I knew that there was obviously something to that dream Pomni had in the beginning, but somehow I didn't expect this to be the conclusion to it. I guess I was too distracted by everything else. So when I got to this shot, I got all warm and teary-eyed.

Pomni finally feels like she's got a pack, a place in this digital circus. When you don't feel mentally alone anymore, there seems to be a weight that's lifted off your shoulders. It doesn't cure the sadness, but at least you know that if you need to be picked up, someone will be there. Depression wants you to be alone, but it just lost that battle. The internet has said it best: A win is a win.

The Bigger Picture

We all know where the end of the road is. How we get there is the mystery. This thought can really make a person feel small, especially when depression comes in to tell you that you in fact are small, according to the chemicals in your brain. But the power of numbers and knowing your place in the world makes facing the unknown a little easier.

I'll be honest, the words are kinda lost on me at this point. Our demise is a really hard topic to broach. I've lost a lot of people, especially some major players in my life (shoutout to the Dead Dads club), and still, I don't understand it all. But the best way I can explain it is through my own experience and how I applied it to this episode.

I had for a long time gone through life trying to prepare and prepare. I played the role of the strong, unaffected individual after being hardened by trauma in childhood. I didn't want to be outwardly emotional, because if I was I would have to admit defeat.

It made me feel weak, especially when my depression would whisper nasty things to me about my self-worth. The bigger picture at that time didn't even exist in my mind. I lived to serve and die. It was no way to live.

Only recently, with time, a couple grippy sock vacays and therapy have I started to form my own, new big picture. At the center of this is my interactions with others. Family, friends, and strangers, all of them are affected by my actions. Even during the days when I feel worthless or alone, I remind myself that even the little things I do have a spiderweb effect. I have worth, more so than serving others or being some obstacle. I can simply walk down the street and perhaps I'll be the person who some kid looks at and hopes to look like when they're older. My existence is so much more than just a give-and-take situation with everyone around me.

It felt like Pomni found her purpose in the circus, and it was more than just playing along until the end. Rather, it was to befriend the people around her who have proved in one way or another way that they care. Abstraction wasn't in vain to them. Lives mattered, and therefore so did Pomni.

In a vast, digital world where chaos looms like a grey cloud, Pomni always mattered. She just had to realize how, and it was much more than being an obstacle or a pawn. And so do we, I think.

[doctorjackdaw]

Ikiaq lives in a small town in coastal Alaska and followed in his father's footsteps towards becoming an artist. He helps his father with his exhibitions in the surrounding area, and spends most of his free time surfing (oftentimes driving down into Canada for slightly warmer water).

Eventually he meets Phinneas, a charming fisherman with a lilting Scottish accent and a funny smile. As the two grow close, and Ikiaq truly falls in love for the first time in his life, he begins to realize Phin has a secret... they're a selkie!!

~note!!~

Ikiaq's gender is complicated - he was raised in a traditionally feminine way and came into his masculinity as his family and community recognized him as Two Spirit. However, he was still offered and accepted the face tattoos also worn by his mother and female cousins because he is deeply connected to the matriarchal power of his ancestors - as far as I've researched, there's no direct gender in Inuktitut, so in discussions with his family, he's seen as feminine or nonbinary. In english, he uses he/him pronouns only as is his preference.

All of my development of Ikiaq's character has come through researching Inuit culture and the Inuktitut language online, which means I am certain to make mistakes - please let me know if you notice anything incorrect, glaring or otherwise, and I'll make it right!

[soshadysoquiet]

More thoughts

So there's a lot of hate for the characters going on, especially Five and Lila.

Now do I hate the choices the show made for them, yes - I do not think they were truly thinking about the characters and I think they were unnecessary choices for the plot. I do not approve of several choices for the characters, but I could never hate any of the Tua characters.

This is long so rest is under the cut!

Luther: His life is a complete shambles - living in a condemned building. Luther has been seen to be savvy enough to land on his feet when thrust into the real world. His living there suggests he's lacking an ability to find somewhere to live / a support network, yet none of the siblings were worried about him or reached out to help. I thought it was odd that this was never addressed and instead he just gets mocked by Ben.

I DID like: that they brought back some of Luther's intelligence - working out the CIA was fishy. And I love that they kept up the kindness he had developed over the past few seasons and made him be so supportive. His reactions in the Five Lila reveal were hilarious.

Diego: Again, I didn't like that they made him so anti his own life an marriage, and I see a lot of people giving Lila a lot of heat and solely blaming her for the state of their relationship, whilst there are clear problems left over from S3, I do not believe that Diego's attitude would be easy to live with - not debating whether his attitude was fair or not, but to me he did not come across as supportive and doing his best until they got to go on a mission. I thought this was a pretty big disservice to his S1 character also, because Diego is clearly capable of surviving in the real world and used to it's restrictions, so for him to be the one reacting this strongly is bizarre to me. Plus I do feel that the family situation he has is one that previous-season Diego would have wanted and cherished, especially if he'd been able to have an 'out' - work or hobby - that could be where he then gets to feel a different sense of accomplishment. I would have made their season be about communicating that and them deciding where they were going to support each other (i.e. dif job for Diego, time for herself for Lila also). Also, I feel they really made him 'dumber'? Diego is insightful, open to points of view if given time, quite observant, smart at putting things together to solve a puzzle. Whilst I loved that he had his fam groaning when he put on his old outfit, the body-humour was unnecessary and irrelevant when you show a ripped man in 4 eps after that.

I DID like: Him throwing packages into windows. Him sticking his hand out to protect the passenger seat in the car like a true parent. Him winning reindeers for his kids. His enthusiasm. His love for his car, and that he still had a stubborn streak and wanted to always be in the thick of the action.

Allison: She was pretty good this season I thought, I think her and Klaus' relationship with saving him was a little bigger up this season, but we did at least see him keep returning to her in S2 and have background knowledge that they were close, so it wasn't toooo OOC for me, just a bit clumsily bigged up - make it more about her personal redemption arcs revolving around saving Whoever is closest rather than Klaus and you've got a winner that script was already written. I thought that the ending was particularly cruel on Allison, and I did not like the lazy way they retconned Ray. I also didn't love that they gave her (the only female in the siblings, I hasten to add) another damsel in distress bit at the end that took her out of play for the fight when the ceiling fell on her. Why does this always happen to Allison when if the guys get bricked on (Five) they're up and swinging. I've had thoughts about some mysogyny in the show from S3 and others, but this reminded me about it.

I DID like: Her and Claire having time together. her and Klaus. She was so funny in the horrific Five and Lila reveal moment. Love her assertive attitude in the face of their Dad. Her being the face of the cleaning brand was hilarious, and I love her defending the role to others, so funny. Her guilt over having to marigold Klaus under peer pressure too felt so very S1 Allison.

Klaus: I think the main issue I had here was that they didn't portray his powers returning very well, and it took someone else pointing it out to make me see that he got the mothers of agony dude to shoot him so he could get out of paying his debt - did not get it the first time. Also there's no explanation for how biker dude knows that because he's immortal he can summon ghosts and have them possess him for sex? Maybe he didn't and that's what the wind etc was for - a fake. But biker dude calls him a medium so IDK. Also they just piled Way too much trauma on him too quickly it felt so gratuitous, he's always been a bit of a punching bag but being tortured in S1 affected him more than all of this on top of getting his powers back for the first time in years. That we don't see if he knows how Ben died now?

I DID like: His obvious caution and desire to be reliable for Claire and himself. That we saw the negative sides of his addiction. His need for a little brown bag. His desire to be reliable for his siblings. His reactions in the Five Lila reveal were hilarious. That he floats now.

Five: Now I despised what they chose to do with the character - lazy, unnecessary, playing to fantasies and not the character's in my opinion. Would have loved to see them make Five find happiness another way, any other way - and there's a lot in the comics they could use - like him trying to set up an orphanage - how awesome would that have been to see? Do I BLAME the characters for ending up in the relationship? No, I don't think they would or should have, I don't think they were romantic and being alone with my sister for 7 years would not make me want to jump her bones. Ew, no offence to her! Now, I think that Five saw Lila as family - he even calls her that in S3E2(?) that she's family now. The writers / producers obv saw different (which is ew from Lila's end in particular given his 13yr old body when they met). I think it was a wrong choice. I can't hate the two of them for it, because I feel that there is literally some power from above that forced it - I'm going to call it insanity, but I keep being brought round to how I still wouldn't jump my sister's bones after 7 years in the apocalypse. The writers / producers basically decided 'if you're stuck alone with Anyone for 7 years, you'll sleep with them eventually!' poor, poor choice. Lord knows I pity anyone trapped with Them for 7 years now. Aside from the above, the lack of reaction to the apocalypse, the fact that we never see where he Lives, the lack of showing us how he got to where he is in the last Five years when he's an 18yr old with clearance to work solo in the CIA? I need to know How that happened. The fact that we didn't get to see him working out the subway map when he's clearly capable of it and let's be honest; the 7 years spent in the subway had to be a Doss compared to the Apocalypse - they knew stops where they could get food, they're safe below ground, he's with someone - I don't think it would have broken him half as much OR taken these two brilliant minds too long to figure it out, honestly the tube map did not look 7 years long. Plus, they would blatantly have run into the other Fives sooner - and that would have been funny. And they could have worked together. It's Bananas that they were there that long, and the time was poorly shown too. Also we never see him interact with Claire Gracie or the twins. Sadness. Anyway everything from Ep5 onwards was such a butchery that it was too poisoned to take seriously, though that's not to say the acting was bad when he faced off against Diego - he truly looked murderous.

I DID like: him gatekeeping his job from Diego - dick move, but That is a move on point for a Five who got pissed when Diego went to The Commission. Him still decisively taking action with danger / plans. That he's clearly kept close tabs on his family and spends regular time with them. His relationship Supporting Diego and Lila's marriage until The Episode. The diner full of Fives was excellent and I wish we could have spent more time with them / worked with them to realise more of their differing personalities.

Ben: I know that it was kinda amusing for Sparrow Ben to be such a dick, but for me he had no redeeming qualities, barely stepped in to save his last remaining sibling's life. I get that being in prison could make you a dick too - but he was like that before. Prison affected him Zero percent. He then drugged everyone against their will. Continued to be nothing but awful to everyone (with the Briefest pause when Klaus was actively dying) but I started and ended S4 wondering why they would treat him much differently than their abusive father. He was funny, objectively, but so awful to them and they all just took it. It would have been great to see 1% more softness towards them even, he doesn't have to become Old Ben, but there was nothing to like, though I might have forgotten bits. I would have liked to see some character development in 5 yrs, or something to justify why I should care that he gets Bennifered. Plus the Jennifer storyline was trite to me. Ben is the closest I come to 'hating' a character this season, but I don't hate him, I think the writers didn't bother considering what 5 yrs might do (if it's enough to make 2 siblings have an affair, it's enough to drastically change anyone's personality, team!), and they ended S3 showing A Ben looking so peaceful, I hoped he might get at least a little of that in S4. You can still make him a sourpuss but have Some less cruel moments.

I DID like: That he had some funny lines? Idk, he was difficult to engage with for me. No hate if you loved him though, that's just me. If I manage to rewatch ever I'll try to find more good.

Viktor: I just thought they cheaped out on his backstory a little, and I hoped he would come to realise he didn't need Reggie's approval like he thought he would - or that it was so cheaply won by saving his life, an act people do all the time, not because of Viktor's personality. I thought it was a real shame we didn't get to see him happy at all. seeing him light up in S2 was such a delight and he doesn't deserve to always look like he's suffering. He should have gotten a little bit of happiness - from his bar maybe? Something. Also another point for someone getting shot and not being shown to seek any medical care but being fiiiiiiiiiiiine...... ffs. Again, not Viktor's fault, that's the Show. Sad that he barely got to interact with Five at all.

I DID Like: Him blowing the windows in the car. Him staying on-point of the mission most of the time, well done Viktor! Good hero-ing! He had funny lines. Was nice to see him become an essential part of the team as he deserves.

Lila: Again as with Five, I can't hate her, because it's all so ludicrous. He killed her parents, her MOTHER full on says they 'had a history', that would give most people the NO for sure. Lila has also spent the last 5years watching this 13yr old grow into a 18yr old - and has kids, and I strongly believe her desire to have a family would also outweigh her desire to jump her brother's bones. Ew. I thought it was a real disservice to her character development to say that things had to go this way. I would buy her and Five 'cheating' / falling in love with someone they were stuck with for 7 years with if it was anyone outside their family. What TUA certainly Didn't need, was more psuedo-incest. I'm a bit sad that people are taking the line with Lila that as she's married and has kids then she should still be 100% faithful after 7 years no matter what. She's clearly shown to be unhappy, to her, it looks like Diego is too. How many years without someone Would it have been okay for her to hookup with? I don't think we can put a number on it. My problem is that: They decided a relationship to survive 7 years has to be romantic, and that they chose Lila and Five to do it with. For me Five is more the problem here than Lila, (in terms of characterisation) because we rightly (he's been a child in prev. seasons actor-wise whatever the POV is on character age) never see him want to engage in sexual activities, other than maybe (maybe) flirting with a waitress one time at Luther's bar? I think also telling is that Diego's actor refers to Five in an interview as Diego's "younger brother", which tells you Exactly what at least this cast member, and ergo his character from the wording considered Five to be. They see him as younger too, which makes me even more uncomfortable about it.

I DID like: that she wanted to do her own thing and still loved her kids - I think that's very valid, both her and Diego should get to have something they value outside of family. That she got her family back (though interesting how they fell in together? Would have been interesting to see That reunion) Her undercover work - very on point for her character. The moments with her and Five prior to Ep 5, which I will always choose to see as platonic, personally, for my sanity.

I just don't like hate on the characters or that X is irredeemable over Y. It personally gets me down when I see it, especially as is seems to be that some people bash one character while absolving any faults from another one.

I've been Very negative about S4, but did want to highlight some good bits in each of the characters, because I could never hate these guys, they just deserved so much better, all of them.

[spockandawe]

Okay, I think I'm ready to start chewing on and articulating some Peerless/Wushuang thoughts at least, because I'm deep in the parts of the book where this starts becoming more relevant.

Feng Xiao and Cui Buqu are VERY alike. This is an asshole4asshole relationship, they're both leading secret police bureaus, they're both ruthless and calculating and VERY smart. But they're also so different in some crucial ways. Yeah, Feng Xiao is one of the strongest martial artists alive, while Cui Buqu's health is so fragile that everyone is amazed he's still alive, which is delightful, but i do think the differences in personality are even more more interesting

Like, a thing I've said before (maybe not on here?) is that one of the things that makes Yan Wushi so compelling despite being such a jackass is that he's VERY true to himself, in a considered, deliberate, intelligent way. Part of what drives him to try to break Shen Qiao is his conviction that everyone who clings to ethics and morality is just putting on a self-serving facade and it won't take much hardship to shatter that. Feng Xiao doesn't have an internal conviction like that driving him, or, he sort of does. But his core driving force is pure unadulterated self-love.

Feng Xiao has lived his life with perfect cheerful conviction that Feng Xiao is the most beauitful, most capable, most clever boy in the whole world. Now. It doesn't take long for him to become VERY wary of Cui Buqu's intelligence, but the personal vanity doesn't falter. It's a delight to read, someone trying to suck up to him sends him the most beautiful woman he's ever seen trying to curry favor, and Feng Xiao has her clean his room. He's literally like 'buddy. pal. why would i sleep with someone less beautiful than i am?' He's capable of schemes and plotting, but when it comes to personality, he is a CHEERFULLY open reflection of his own inner self however rancid that inner self is lmao

Cui Buqu on the other hand. MY GOD. The man literally starts the book acting a fabricated role. This won't have been spoilers if you read the book summary, but Cui Buqu has a whole city convinced that he's a perfectly benevolent, kind, generous daoist priest, and meanwhile. When it comes to a contest of who's the most ruthless in this book, between Feng Xiao and Cui Buqu, i think Cui Buqu handily wins! Even once that initial act is peeled away, Cui Buqu has layers and LAYERS. Mister onion ogre man. The author even calls him out for being like this in the notes. It's extremely funny, but also makes for a delightful slow burn in terms of relationship development, it's very rewarding to read.

But as i do that actual reading now, I'm really taken by how subtly that tension between them really enriches the surrounding story. The arc I'm in now involves Cui Buqu's backstory, and he's simultaneously being revealed to be more vicious and more gentle than the prior story suggested. This is DEFINITELY weighted more towards the viciousness than gentleness, but without spoilers, that really makes the moments when he chooses to be kind hit so, so hard! And while Feng Xiao is strong, he's always been openly and bluntly strong, the way more and more of Cui Buqu is gradually brought to light underscores the depth and nature of HIS strength.

Both of these men are very beloved by their subordinates, so the story communicates well that they have good points, but it's fascinating how Cui Buqu's are revealed to readers by patiently peeling those layers away, while Feng Xiao, someone much more open, but with a very demanding personality, is rounded out in large part thanks to those reveals from Cui Buqu, and the way he reacts and how his behavior modifies.

Is that coherent? I can't tell anymore. But the depth of meng xi shi's character writing is something fascinating to me, and Peerless and Thousand Autumns give a LOT of narrative attention to who their main characters are, and the different seemingly-contradictory layers of characters like Yan Wushi and Cui Buqu. Shen Qiao and Feng Xiao are fascinating in the sense of however far down you dig, what you see is what you get, lmao. But the nuance and elaboration within that space, which might seem restrictive, still makes for a FASCINATING character, and a very engaging read

[wolfangst]

The Postal dude hates everyone equally!

Hello, all Postal fans, I'm with you! I love the "scissor running studio", I've played through all of their games, some several times. I attend almost all of Vince Desi's interviews and support his work, like many of you.

I wanted to write this post because I have been in the Postal community for quite a long time and have seen a lot of people, a lot of conflicts, one of which appeared literally "recently". Dude hates transgender people? The situation is funny - some person made a post in the style: “Your favorite character *insert sentence*”, where the Postal Dude was added with the inscription: “The Postal Dude is transphobic” - the developers, on behalf of the Twitter account, said that this was not:

Later, the next day, the developers released a post in which the Dude was introduced to us as a misanthrope - a person who hates everyone equally. Which was pretty obvious even without this, because people who play the Postal series of games could repeatedly hear this line from him: “I hate everyone equally” or something like that - this was obvious back in 2003.

So what could such an act on the part of the developers mean, what did they want to say by first “supporting” transgender people with their words, and then releasing this post as if they had renounced their words? This means that he hates everyone: whites, blacks, Jews, gays, lesbians, transgender people and other completely ordinary people who live their lives. Not because he hates anyone in particular, but because he hates all humanity - read the meaning of misanthropy on the Internet.

The dude is an asshole and you're ready for this conversation!

Please remember that the Postal Dude is a bad person. He is a terrorist who kills innocent people - going back to the first Postal, the original, he wanted to kill even children and he was not ashamed. He is not the kind of person who will support someone simply because of their oppression in society - he is deeply indifferent to the problems of modern society, such as: the oppression of black people, sexism towards women, unfair mistreatment towards LGBTQ+ people, etc.

He hates everyone, regardless of lifestyle, sexual orientation or anything else - deal with it, he is not a good guy, but a sick person with a thirst for blood. Postal is the wrong game, Dude is the wrong character - and that's the whole point of the franchise we love so much. The game makes fun of a lot of things, it was made based on a real-life case of terrorism by a postal worker and the proposed idea of ​​creating a "just a cruel person who kills for no reason" appealed to Vince Desi - that's why we have a person as cruel and controversial as the Dude in game. Let's remember that in addition to the fact that the Dude has repeatedly expressed in his remarks that it is best to kill women and national minorities first, he also kills men, women, kids and animals without a twinge of conscience - and can even kick his beloved dog. We are talking about a character about whom the developers themselves speak as someone who is a terrible person at his core - so why do many of us try to humanize him, to find something good in him, some advantages or support for others?

Have you forgotten that in the Postal 2 before the update with multiplayer, there was a mini-game called: “F*ag Hunter”, the essence of which was that the Dude needed to kill 20 LGBTQ+ Representatives, and if he killed a heterosexual NPC, then he was forced go through again?

We are all people, we are all different. There are many different people within our community: gays, lesbians, transgender people, people of different nationalities and views on life - and this is wonderful. It’s wonderful that we are all so different and live in a world where we can be ourselves. But please remember that the Dude would hate us no matter who we are, simply because we are part of a society he despises - and you have to live with that. Yes, this is bad, it’s very offensive, but you are part of a game community where the main character is a terrorist who uses hard drugs and dismembers kittens.

If you want to feel support and love in your direction, then Paradise is definitely not for you. And don't try to argue with it - the Dude can't be fixed. Thank you for your attention, I love and respect everyone - after all, I’m not the Dude from Postal!

I also want to add that you can have any headcanons, ship the Dude with your characters or create your own Dudes - this is very cool. This post was written as an appeal to people who forget about which game community they are in - there was a lot of negativity on Twitter under sub-posts from the developers simply because such a misunderstanding arose, which seemed to me simply stupid and to some extent funny. This is the internet guys, do what you want, just please don't romanticize or think the things The Dude does are normal or laudable

[lover-of-mine]

Its funny isn't it. there's a side of the fandom that can only cope if they think of Eddie as some cardboard cutout that they can project onto. Its why I think they have latched onto T*mmy so quickly, because he is literally their dream beige version of Eddie and for so long Eddie being a character who has his own motivations has ruined their headcannons. Didn't someone work out that Buck this season has had way more scenes involving Eddie than Eddie has involving Buck? But Eddie is supposed to be the one twiddling his thumbs whilst Buck is out there living life etc.

No, but that's exactly it for a portion of the people on the fandom and that is definitely what made people jump straight into T's arms. Eddie is a main character. He has dept and development. He has 6 seasons worth of a personality that doesn't fit the ideal partner they see for the wobbified version of Buck they made up in their heads. And considering the way that canon established Tommy as Eddie two steps to the left that Buck is projecting feelings into, fanon went wild. Tommy has no established personality. He has the begin episodes that paint him in a not so great light. They have the few scenes that exist with Buck where he exists, okay? He's doing the bare minimum. Sometimes not even that. But that means he is a character they can project anything they want into. He's a blank canvas. That means the space can be filled with whatever they see fit. And that means they can take the personality they convinced themselves Eddie had and copy/paste into T and move on. I've seen some awful takes. AWFUL. Like, some people are legit attacking Eddie to make him look better in comparison because they can't deal with the way that Eddie is still Buck's partner in crime. Eddie is not allowed to exist outside of Buck and some people just wanted to see Oliver make out with a guy. T does that. In a blank canvas. The show is historical for handling Buck's love life poorly and people are putting too much weight on interviews. They lie all the time because they can't give things up. I wanna know what's gonna happen if this relationship isn't the smooth sailing people decided it will be. There is a chance it will be fine and end amicably. But there's also a chance that it will get messy. Right now it could tip either way and I don't think that part of the fandom is gonna be ready to deal with shit if it gets messy. If T does something that goes against the perfect pedestal they put him in. People are already ignoring actually canon stuff like the way he left Buck in a curb, failed to communicate why he was leaving until he was in the car, and then didn't come back. So like, it's crazy. And yeah, a lot of Buck's arc so far has involved Eddie somehow, but Buck is adjacent to Eddie's. But I guess that's making it worse, because they don't like Eddie unless he's providing Buck with something they see fit and they are getting that somewhere else. Some people are showing that they don't have critical thinking skills when it comes to queer couples and honestly, that's kind of alarming.

[thebookmarker99]

I just wanna clear this up because I've seen a lot of people get old Alastor lore mixed up (especially on twitter). Again, I only tagged these posts for Charlastors because they're a community I find welcoming within the fandom and I know a lot have genuine interest in his romantic side/ability to have relationships.

I used to follow Zoophobia and remember some tidbits, but since it was so long ago it's understandable a lot of stuff is probably lost! So I hope this will serve as a post for anyone unfamiliar. Feel free to add if you remember/have screenshots of anything.

Basically, before Hazbin Hotel, Viv had a webcomic called Zoophobia. Alastor was later taken from this series and added to the demon crew, who would later be used for Hazbin.

During the Zoophobia era, Alastor was kind of a little shota lmao

He was a cannibal deer who had an obsession with this other deer character called Autumn

Generally he was obsessed with ALL magical deer, but Autumn was hilarious to get a reaction out of so Alastor found it funny to torment his obsession, as all psycho killers do.

However, he had somewhat human qualities such as his relationship with Mimzy as most people know about. I believe it was mostly on Mimzy's part rather than Alastor's.

Before Alastor was removed to be added to Hazbin, he was written to have a big crush on another character!

KayCee was a chaos spirit who Alastor fell in love with. I have some theories that she possibly could be a character recycled for an upcoming villain in Hazbin, but we'll see about that... (yes, it could be Roo).

I think it's interesting seeing this side to him. I do believe his character has hardly changed since this development, but I'm sure he has been given much more depth.

KayCee was also one of Viv's faves.

[thrawns-backrest]

I've never heard anyone talk about this theory on tumblr, but I was curious to ask you. What do you think about Ronan becoming a Grysks spy? I saw such an idea in one fanfic, but there they made Ronan just an ambitious and stupid villain. But I thought about and decided that given its canonical nature, such a development of events also seems to be probable to some extent. It seemed to me so, because look: Ronan in Ascendancy is even more vulnerable than Eli, who managed to build good relations with at least Vah'nya and Ar'alani, he obviously needs a lot of time to somehow get along with at least a brother-in-misfortune, and already especially with someone else. In essence, he is alone, and his character also repels the Chiss from him, which leads to their distrust and unwillingness to explain anything to him. A person who communicates little with anyone and understands little is easy to take advantage of, besides, attachment to some things or people is something that the Grysk are only too good at pressuring, with intimidation or cunning. And Ronan is attachmented to Krennic, to the Empire, to the Death Star, so in theory they have something to hit. In addition, if he is faithful to someone, then he is faithful, as we see, almost to the end. And if someone else could become for him a figure like Krennic to whom he "swears" - this person could push him into many things.

If anything, I'm not saying that this is a full-fledged theory and it will be so in the canon. These are just my thoughts on one of hundreds of possible scenarios. I was wondering how likely you think this is?

Oooh... honestly, as much as I love Ronan, I think that's very likely. I think it's even likelier when you consider Thrawn's suggestion to Ar'alani about feeding Ronan the right kind of information because they know he's a potential traitor.

Looking at the book, it's hard to tell if they mean that in the sense of feeding the Empire information through him or using him to misled the Grysks but both scenarios are kind of sad because neither assumes an eventual assimilation into the Ascendancy (which I'm trying to fix in my fic lol).

But yes, as you said Ronan is a very likely target for the Grysks. Ar'alani herself points it out and if something isn't done to prevent it, Ronan could easily be converted into a Grysk agent. The moment he realizes Thrawn didn't send him on some secret mission to find Chiss jedi, he'll grow even more distrustful of him. And if his experience in the Ascendancy is as negative as we assume it'll be, there's plenty of dislike there for the Grysks to feed and exploit.

In a way, characters with a lot of zeal and extreme views always have that problem. They're just... unstable. Kind of like Anakin in the prequels, because they feel so strongly about something they're open to manipulation and their loyalties can be exploited with the right kind of nudging.

That said, making Ronan's motivation ambition and depriving him of his intellect is just... dumb. Ronan genuinely believes he's on the side of the greater good, that the Empire is doing good, etc. I can see the Grysks convincing him that the Chiss are the bad guys in the grand scheme of things, maybe that they're planning to betray or attack the Empire and use his loyalty and inflated self-righteousness to pit him against them.

The thing about Ronan, I think, is that he has an eye for detail and is good at noticing things and reading people (e.g. realizing that Vah'nya is force sensitive) but he's not as good at using that information to come to the right conclusions. Sometimes he does and that's when his skills shine but sometimes his takes are just so far off it's funny.

Whether it's because he tends to overthink or because his biases skew his thinking, it's still a flaw and one that could be exploited.

My only hope for Ronan resisting the Grysks' manipulation is that he's already seen what they're capable of. There's this moment in the book where he gets a very strong reaction to seeing the bodies they've left behind ("Ronan nodded silently from his seat at the conference room table, trying very hard not to be sick. [...] He tried to remind himself that these men had been thieves who’d stolen from Stardust and the Empire, and that they deserved punishment. The rationalization didn’t help.")

At the end of the day, Ronan isn't cruel and doesn't have the stomach for cruelty. And that could be the only thing stopping him from trusting the Grysks who don't have a problem openly showing their ruthlessness. But, of course, if he's already in a bad place and vulnerable to manipulation, that might not be enough to save him.

[freddie-77-ao3]

Gonna use the ask box for this 🙃 ask 1/? (I have so many questions, though you have answered so many already)

What are your thoughts on Trials of Apollo, and the characters?

go ahead and keep asking!!! i love your questions!!

ANYWAY

gonna start smaller with characters:

lavinia: the jewish thing wasn't handled completely correctly (just a couple of small things there) but overall 10/10 character. i think she's hilarious and her official artwork ROCKS.

meg: i love her. she seems a little immature for twelve years old TO ME but i also had a... rather abnormal upbringing so that might explain the differences. overall she was a great character and i LOVE the demeter rep (my thoughts on how riordan treated demeter take five pages to clarify so-- basically) love seeing it-- demeter was a kronide and her kids should be treated as such! great character development. peaches was also hilarious (as was crotch-kicker mccaffrey)

lester: calling him lester to separate between godly apollo and post toa apollo. again, fantastic character development. he's so fucking funny. like he does some really dumb stuff at the start of the series (swearing to not use a musical instrument and stuff?? LESTER MAN CMON) his and meg's relationship is so sweet-- and kayla and austin with him? chefs kiss. love apollo kids getting some time with their dad.

jason: absolutely got fridged. i've already touched on my suicide theory so i won't go into that here but basically i think we shoulda seen jason similar to percy (very minor, doing his own thing behind the scenes) but alas.

piper: the shel thing was a bit sudden. don't get me wrong, i'm ALL for queer rep (i think there should be more of it in the books actually) but-- going straight from breaking up with jason to jason sacrificing himself for her to a relationship seems really unhealthy. i think she should have a chance to grow outside of a relationship.

reyna: joining the hunt was a bad end for her. since when was that an ambition of hers? she seemed genuinely happy in new rome and called it her home multiple times in HoO and going from that to the hunt? idk seems like rick doesn't know how to write characters NOT be in a relationship (piper, reyna, leo... they all get squared away)

leo: oh leo baby he didn't get to see jason before he died??? so heartbreaking. didn't belong in a relationship with calypso. the punching thing was weird when he came back to camp-- esp with a character who has a history of physical abuse

frank: i love the frank deciding his own fate thing but also idk seems like a cop out.

hazel: shouldn't have just become praetor i mean cmon. i love her but she's what, 14 now? no way.

Nico: FINALLY ONE OF THE CHARACTERS CANONICALLY GETS THERAPY. the doctors note is--

will: solangelo flirting is hilarious 10/10. "do you want to be my buddy?" "significant annoyance" i can't breathe. also poor will for putting up with apollo in the hidden oracle because i could not help my dad learn how to use the toilet i'm sorry but that shit is crazy.

malcolm: why is malcolm going to battle without pants on so funny to me i just-- 10/10 i love him.

connor: such a dumbass. the hair grafts 😭. i feel bad that travis isn't there and then communication lines go down like oh buddy :(

cecil: see me RUNNING with the knowledge cecil can cook

other small stuff:

love the waystation, always been my personal hc that there's more than just that one but that's for another post.

percabeth finally making it to college!!!

speaking of which AT WHAT TIME DID TRAVIS AND CLARISSE FILL OUT COLLEGE APPS THEY WERE AT WAR???? WHAT DO THEIR OFFICIAL TRANSCRIPTS LOOK LIKE???

the jackson-blofis family warms my heart <3

thoughts on the series as a whole?

i love it. definitely top three riordan series (tied with pjo and mcga)

i like that (like mcga) toa was more mature? like we finally see demigods with ptsd, we get queer characters, just... everything

[amazing-spiderling]

For the character ask game, Scott Summers and/or Kurt Wagner, #7 & #12

<3

7. What’s something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you like?

Scott: People making jokes about Scott yelling "JEAAAAN :00000" all the time will never not be funny to me. IDK there's just something about people who end up marrying their high school sweethearts that's a little wacky. And as much as I enjoy ragging on the guy, I am glad that the fandom has come around and is appreciating his character development, especially from the last 20 years of comics.

Kurt: I've literally never met an X-Men/comics fan that doesn't like Kurt. Like he may not be their FAVORITE, but he's kinda the unproblematic fave of the fandom, so if you bring him up, the odds of people having something positive to say are pretty high. If anything, I think people are better about criticizing a bad writer or bad production decisions for any wonky characterization, rather than jumping to, "this is why this character sucks" like I've seen them do for other characters in comics.

12. What’s a headcanon you have for this character?

Scott: Wow, my feelings about Scott are kind of a jumble. I haven't read that many comics that focused on him specifically, so I feel like I'm drawing from all of the various media interpretations... I hesitate to make a claim about comics Scott because I'll say something like, "he writes a blog about baking" and someone is going to come in and be like, "X-Factor explicitly stated that he writes about gardening".

Okay, upon a little thought, I do have one. After he was resurrected following whatever the hell was going on between the Inhumans and Mutants in "Death of X", Scott felt REALLY BAD about what happened to my boy Alchemy, and we didn't see it, but offscreen he made sure that Tom was at the front of the line for Mutants to bring back to life on Krakoa. He yelled at Emma about it, too. (That last part probably was elaborated on, but I want to imagine that he was mad about that death in particular, since she used his voice/commanding personality so heavily and ended up getting Alchemy killed without a second thought.)

Kurt: I guess I'm not really sure if this is a headcanon or just like, a gut feeling- but... I don't see Kurt ever settling down, getting married, having kids. Which is kind of a wild thing to say because the man is HUSBAND MATERIAL THROUGH AND THROUGH and Marvel writers who get to take a swing at future versions of the X-Men love giving him a family... but he's always married to some rando who showed up in one (1) forgettable comic from 30 years ago that nobody remembers. It's sort of the problem of having chemistry with everyone, but then maybe not having a "spark" with one person in particular.

My use of the word "spark" here is intentional- as those familiar with his arc during the recent Krakoa era of X-Men comics might have picked up. Kurt creates the idea of a "spark" as a universal concept for Mutants of any/all faiths to embrace, a means to protect the sanctity and respect for the miracle of life. He was one of the few to recognize the need for Mutants to have something outside of themselves to pursue, and it came at no small cost to himself. In fact, he became something of an outsider, observing the community he loved, so that he could better serve them- and that I think is the crux of the issue. His "true love" is not another person, it's the preservation of a dream, and providing hope to all mutants. Even in the alternate world where he married Wanda and they had TJ, the couple lives apart from one another, each a part of their own respective teams because while they loved each other, they realized they could not focus on their duty when they were together. The mission still came first. I don't know that I mean he should join the conventional priesthood (if only because time has shown not enough comics writers are well versed enough in organized religion to write convincing and compelling comic stories about it) but his devotion to the Legionaries was close enough for me.

It's a bit of a double edged sword- I think it's something that makes his character unique, and I could turn this idea over and over in my head endlessly, but it comes at a bit of a cost from a meta perspective. I think part of the reason there's not as much fiction for the poor boy is because he doesn't have really solid canon ship fodder (NightWolves shippers have all my respect, mind you, but somehow it seems to draw a niche crowd?), so he tends to sit in the background like charming blue set dressing. It's okay though, we all still love him.

[love-toxin]

miss ellie i'm realizing now that i never told you now revolutionary your ocs are. like. i've been on this website for literal years and the day i found your blog was with an oc post where you introduced such a dynamic lineup with so much variety, it was the first i had ever seen. maybe i wasn't looking hard enough but you had poc yanderes AND trans yanderes it was the first time i had ever seen any (i know it sounds crazy to say but i'm being so fr rn.) even when i look through your old posts and reread them i just get blown away by how each one is different and has their own personality even though you have so many?? anyway it's late and i just wanted to say that ty <3

will you marry me?? 🥺

LOL to be for real though that makes me sooooo happy you don't even understand, I'm really glad i get to be that way for you and all you lovely people 💕💕 it's a blessing to be able to write & post my work and I'm genuinely happy to see people connecting with it.

tbh, the representation i try to portray accurately is a really long-standing relationship i have with writing & authorship in general. this might not be a terribly interesting bit of lore but back when i was in my teens and consuming a lot of fanfic online in the early forms of it (ff.net my love </3) that was something that hit me a lot in reading self-insert fic, because I'd always been a huge reader and was just then tapping into self-inserts and community fiction posting rather than just books. and i remember distinctly (i think partly bc I've always grown up in multicultural neighborhoods/had mixed family growing up) reading fanfics and having the thought of "huh, i can relate to this description or this experience, but that makes me wonder whether other people can."

funny enough, it was partly when i would read descriptions of the author giving a self-insert long hair or referencing their hair in some way, and I'd start wondering how girls who wore a hijab would read that same piece, cause i went to school with a bunch of girls who wore it or a full niqab. and so i started wondering more like "if i was black, would i relate to this experience in this fic? if i was trans or gender non-conforming, are there characters i can relate to? if i were a mix of these things, could i find somewhere i belong in this setting?" and since then it kind of became a focus in the way i wrote stuff going forward.

i think using inclusive language in fic writing is really integral to a greater horizon of people enjoying it, and thinking on my ocs i always wanted to have characters that people could really relate to. I'd stop a lot in my process of creating my initial sets of characters and try to keep in mind those thoughts that i had in reading fics; "if i were this or that, could someone in that position relate to the stories I'm writing? and if not, what can i change to make that happen?" because if people are going to enjoy my characters or find comfort in them i want everyone possible to have the ability to. it's kind of intimidating at times to write for experiences i haven't had personally but it led me (and still leads me) to do a ton of research, and in doing so I've been able to learn lots of really fascinating things in the process. in doing so, it made it really easy for my characters to develop their personalities through my writing because i think they inherently have identities that are complex, which is always the goal you want for any character in the first place.

sorry that this kinda went off on a ramble LOL, but after so many years of writing and with my degree under my belt i still really think about it a lot. I'm really glad what i wanted to do has come across and i hope you continue to enjoy my ocs!! ❤️❤️

[slocumjoe]

If Sole wasn't around, who do you think each companion would hook up with? (If anyone)

Since all of them meet through Sole, we're just going to keep that funky guy around...maybe they go moon over Edward Deegan, like a civilized person of taste and class

Cait; i could see her ending up with anyone, but I can't see her ending up happy with most of them. Honestly, I think her best bet would be Piper, maybe Preston. Preston, she'd have to have a lot of character development for...shake off some of her more raider-y traits. As for Piper, that's more her speed, and I think Cait would do well, having Nat around, getting to be Auntie Cait. Piper is more of a troublemaker and spitfire, and I think Cait could easily get bored with Preston. Happy, yes, but Cait gets a little stir crazy, not getting into trouble.

Curie; I fucking love Mac x Curie, I'll admit...but I'm not sure she'd, in text, care much for him. I also really like Curie x Danse, both are very cute to me. I think I like Danse x Curie more, as they're both scientifically minded, care very much about history and preservation of it, and big scary man who loves his small and sweet wife who's actually the weird, unsettling one is top tier.

Danse; Again, I can see him with Curie...and again, Preston as well. I've said before that Danse is very adaptable, romantically, so really, you could make a case for any of the other companions?? Some would absolutely be harder than others, and Gage is an outright fuck no, period. Gage is a fuck no for literally everyone here, spoilers. But Danse...as long as you've got some morals, and will be nice to him, you've got a chance. Low bar? Yeah. Yeah it is.

Deacon; Deacon can't even be romanced by fucking Sole. Bitch needs a crowbar to open up. But...if you have a taste for romantic black comedies...X6 x Deacon is fucking hilarious. Is it possible? No. Not even an inch. But that's not the point. The point is I like it and it's funny. As for what Deacon could actually land? Uh...no one? He's a known liar, he's closed off as shit, and he's prone to identity theft. I think the only one that stands a chance is Nick, but would Nick put up with it enough to fall in love?? Idfk.

Gage; No one. Not even X6. I've seen people say Cait, and I have to ask, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? CAIT WAS A SLAVE. GAGE IS A SLAVER. I LOVE HIM TO BITS BUT HE VERY MUCH IS A SLAVER THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE

Hancock; I kinda like MacCock but Valencock is also pretty good...honestly, Hancock has never struck me as a...romance kinda guy? Like, I get why he's romancable, but...I always felt like he'd be better with a bunch of casual romantic relationships, rather than one super serious one. But, I can see Hancock getting with Nick, Mac, and for a very fun wildcard, that I love for being a shitshow, Danse. Yes. Yes I just supported DanseCock. Its FUNNY AND QUESTIONABLE. OF COURSE I LIKE IT.

MacCready; So, Curie and Hancock I've already said, but if I didn't think Piper was a lesbian, I'd say her. What? They both got kids, both like candy, both have similar values and methods of getting around...but they'd butt heads a lot. A very bickery couple. But MacCock is also cute, though I think they'd have a lot of Very Real Issues. Curie, less so, because Curie is better at communication and doesn't do things Mac is Very Not Okay With. Though, he'd have some shit to stop doing for both MacCurie and MacCock, ei, stealing and murder, etc.

Nick; VALONGFELLOW SQUAD LETS GOOOO. But honestly, no one. Maybe Codsworth. I say Hancock, but pretty unlikely. Nick is a Confirmed Bachelor, man. Thats just how the cookie crumbles. UNLESS YOU GET ANOTHER OLD MYSTERIOUS DEAD WIFE MAN LETS GOOOO

Piper; If not Cait, Ellie, maybe? I always struggle to look at Piper beyond my Very Famous Issues With Her. It's just, Piper is lesbain to me. There are Two Other Girls. Curie is an...okay option? I think Piper would seriously butt heads with Curie in a relationship, though I can't put my finger on why exactly...on the other hand, Piper has genuine chemistry with Cait. Honestly, I don't put much stocks into canon x canon ships, anymore, I prefer the found family thing. Piper really showed that for me, thinking about this, because I don't really go crazy for her with anyone? It doesn't help she's got one option.

Preston; I've said he had a hoe phase and boy howdy, could Preston pull any of these bitches if he put his mind to it. But who would he want to pull? Not Curie, too naive and optimistic. Not MacCready, used to be a Gunner and acts like it. Cait, he wouldn't like her that way, as we know her. Again, personal growth needed there. Gonna have to say Danse as a flat, completely possible possibility. For a non-companion, Sturges. Obvi.

X6-88; I liked Curie x X6 for a time until DeacX6 revealed itself to me in a fever. But neither of these are based in reality. So, much like Gage, no one. Maybe they can hang out as bachelors and make fun of people together, idk. Bromance.

[deadn30n]

happy early 2024 !

posted a bit early as i'll be going to bed relatively soon, but i wanted to say something to usher in the new year!

as some of you know, i've been in the RPC for a very long time, but took a well needed hiatus a year or so back. i only recently returned mid-November && have not regretted that decision for a second. ♥ it's only been a month and a half, but it's been the best month and a half i've ever spent on this site. i admit i was nervous to return for a variety of reason ( mostly avoiding some rather negative people i originally split from this site to escape from ) but i've come to find that this space space i've built has fostered so much positivity for me, and i'm very grateful for that. i'm grateful for all the new friends i've made, all the connections i've forged, the writing i've done, and the plots i've gotten to explore! && as the new year approaches, i'm walking it into with quite a few new aspirations and hopes. i'm really, really thankful to everyone who's given me the time and chance to reach out and make a connection. to the people who've talked to me and told me they're excited for the release of my book, for my return to the vtubing community, for the times we play games together and just goof off.

i hope you know how much you all mean to me. i wish i could tag EVERYONE in this post but tumblr would kick my ass, but just know that i'm truly and honestly grateful and honored to have met the people that i have and look forward to talking more with all of you and getting to know you better. there are a few people i want to single out to shower with love who've supported me or have even known me from the LAST TIME i was on the site lmao

@goldenfists : you should already know you'd be the first on my list Joo Joo Bean. my beloved. we've known each other for what... 3 years now? roughly that, give or take, but you have no idea how much you really mean to me. from the moment we met i knew you were someone i wanted to keep in my circle. i adored you and still do; you've seen the changes i've gone through, the growth i've made, and supported every positive decision i've made. even when i finally built my first oc, and your first incentive was to foster a relationship between sett and eden and letting me know that you LOVED my creatives when i was so scared to take that first dive into making an oc. i love you so much dude. ;_; i'll never forget how you teased me on stream about my pronunciation of your name but then insisted i kept pronouncing it like that because you thought it was cute. i wish you knew just how much you mean to me, because words aren't enough to justify my feelings toward you. i love you Joo Joo Bean, i love you to the moon and back, and i can't wait to see what 2024 has in store for you and i, and our little blorbos @empyreous : ELLE!!!11 ELLE!!!!1 MY BELOVED PARTNER IN CRIME ON LEAGUE!!!! we haven't known each other for very long but god have i LOVED writing with you and goofing off in my favourite games. you've given me a brand new love for league and you're so fucking talented with your ocs and your writing that i'm just chomping at the bit for us to keep going. i literally can't wait to see what we end up developing for these silly little dudes and it makes me so very happy to have you in my corner. i wish you only the best in the world and i'm certain 2024 will give us so many more funny memories to cherish. save me eboi.... eboi save me....

@seeksmoon / @seekslight : softie you loveable little shit. you boyfriend stealing monster ( affectionate ). actually, if i was gonna share my boyfriend with anyone, it'd gladly be you. BUT JOKES ASIDE i'm really delighted we met and hit it off as well as we did. the way you write both alune and lux have me going GRRRRR BARK BARK BARK and i adore the dynamics we've started to built between yonealune and ezlux. we haven't had nearly enough time to hang out yet and that's a fucking CRIME if you ask me. i'm sure come 2024 though we'll have plenty of time to be a couple of goobers and mess around in league here on tumblr. you're such a sweetheart and even my bf talks so positively of you, and anyone that can make him happy makes ME happy. i hope you know you won't get rid of him and i so easily ♥ we enjoy hanging out with you, and we hope you do too :>

@ayahimes : astrid u ain't getting away from me i'm rapidly approaching ur location at mach 10. LFKDJASLKJDF i'm teasing i'm teasing but MAN i've had so much fun playing weague of wegends with you ( and looking forward to when we start playing ffxiv too ) but you're such a sweetheart man. a good energy, positive presence that i love being around ;v; i hope we'll get to play more in the future and chat more and get to know each other!! ♥♥♥

@mellodiies : misha all i'm gonna say is this year... you will be boiled.... ( this ask forever lives rent free in my head and i'm never going to stop laughing at this i hope you know ) ok but in all seriousness i'm so glad i worked up the courage to follow your blog because it's been a bucket of laughs and also seeing one of my childhood faves being doted over so lovingly just makes me so!!!!!!!!!!! i hope this year we'll be able to write ( and even if we don't i'm also content just observing your shenanigans bc they always brighten my day ). thank you for filling my dash with the little pep in my day that i need, you're a fucking goober and i adore you for it

@vulpesse : hi bunnie!! we never really got much of a chance to chat before ( we did get to write a bit in the past though, which i enjoyed! ) but i want you to know that you are one of my biggest inspirations on this site and i was so goddamn happy when i found you again that i hit the follow button so fast i think i broke my finger LMAO but seriously.... you're great. you have such a wonderful energy about you and you're so unbelievably talented with an indomitable spirit. i love seeing your posts every day, and i'm glad to share this same space as you! ♥ please never change, you truly are such a bright light in an otherwise murky world

@heartate : plum u know i couldn't forget about my favourite edgy thot. i fuckin love u dude. it's crazy to think we've known each other for like what? 10 years? like christ. and even though those first few years weren't filled with the happiest of memories, it's been my honor to be able to make amends with you. i always appreciated you for approaching me with that heartfelt apology. i never resented you, and even less so now that i knew the kind of awful situation you were put through back then. you didn't deserve the pain and abuse you went through, and i'm glad you're finally able to break free and grow. flourish and fill the world with your light, because you're a good person and i firmly stick by that notion. no matter what happened between us in the past, you've grown and i've adored watching it. i only hope you'll be able to continue to grow and enjoy the newfound freedom you have, and i am glad to be able to be by your side through it ♥ i'll always have your back miss rina, you can count on that :>

&& to some other lovelies who've made my time pleasant here; @lightshielded / @yoakkemae / @chiheru / @fairesky / @darkflyers / @attroxx / @mythcaels / @knifvd / @killerhubby / @erabundus / @mundmutter / @goddessrisen / @inhumann / @penddraig / @hiisfire / @raytm / @elicertis / @liightbringr / @un1awful / @vonerde / @gunrising / @cyneris / @trattcria / @cmdrace / @lovehungered / @trattcria / @pearlcure / @dnangelic / @starsenna / @nulltune / @toxichem / @longerhuman / @volonata / @misreputed / @ferinehuntress / @florspinae / @inufangs / @bishonenprince

&& to all of my lovely followers too! ♥ may your new year be filled with all the joy and love you deserve. may the new year treat you kindly and give you solace when you need it most. may the new year bless you with every bit of happiness you deserve c:

[your-local-uwu-artist]

wip dump :3

evil art style! my art style has quite a lot of range but I decided to default to chibis for this. I also didn't want to like, just draw one character bust up like i see most people do for it, so I wanted to come up with a way to show multiple characters on one page in an appealing manner

sonic drawing practice! I've been procrastinating this one because the lineart I've done so far on it is almost too good. I'm not sure If i can keep up the standard set

jame-joe doodles! really wanna keep developing this concept: I think it has decent potential! i don't remember how much I've shared about him but i don't think i've talked about it much beyond the base premise. Jame-Joe is inspired by characters like Dipper and Wirt, he's clever, is serious and studious in the pursuit of his goals, can be rather emotional and is prone to cowardice and insecurity, but can be determined when push comes to shove. I set myself up for a challenge here, as I want him to be expressive but limited by his doll body. It's a fun challenge though!

more 'i should start an etsy' drawings. i've seen people make like 'gacha blind bag' keychains and thought of the idea of those with aimaina-chan designs!

fdanfsdjk I almost feel bad for spoiling this one because I'm so excited to share it!!!! But i guess the sorta person to read through this post probably don't mind spoilers lol. I realized 'Timmy's a 2000s kid' and decided to go ALL IN on that. I dug deep into my memories and decided this kids going to need rainbow looms, slap-wraps, silly bandz, and those rubbery braclets where theres one white segment and one black segment and i have no clue if this is true but when i was a kid everyone always said the white segment was snow from mount everest and the black one was like sand from the bottom of the ocean. anyway! I had so much trouble wiht finding the right shade of pink that if i go trhough making a youtube video on these designs you guys will definitely here my color theory rant.

my main goal i can only describe as 'arcade carpet'

he thinks he's cool but knows he's lame. I gave him a fnaf shirt also, i dived deep into my brain as asked myself 'what graphic t-shirt from hot-topic would timmy turner wear' and i decided on fnaf because i think it's funny. so far these extra outfits have been going up in the amount of projection I'm doing. It started with spongebob's sweater vests, continued with Dannys stereotypical-transmasc fits, and now I'm lowkey just drawing stuff I've worn (actually danny's fit with the flannel I've def worn before but like, i assigned timmy a sanrio character(i gave him keropi because it's an easy way to incorporate green accents into his design lol)) anyway!!!

i had 'i want it that way' stuck in my head again and turned to queeries he proceded to give me the solution of chipi-chipi-chapa-chapa. this was not a solution obviously but whatever. i decided to use my new problem to animate myself dancing. sure. why not. if I upload this to youtube i think i should title it 'me at the function' of course i don't actually go to any functions so perhaps 'me when i' would be more fitting

Haku with his starter! the shy kid to eccentric adult pipeline

more of baby Haku! weird part-mimikyu child wandering alola before discovering ghost-type communities and being like 'finally! someone that doesn't look at me weird when i mention demonic possesion!'

with the timeline I'm going with Haku's younger than Acerola so she's like a big sister to them :3

He stares at you with his big ol eyes awkwardly lowkey steals your malasada and gives you a flower in return

rf4 art!!! I love rune factory enough that I own a throw pillow with vishnal on it >:3

frey my fucking beloved!!!!!! lest is here too also. btw frey is a demigirl and lest is a demiboy this is true you can trust me

sketch design for one of those cd keychains with alvin and the chipmunks!

I plan to caption this '1k notes and I voice+animate my yumehoshi beam' as a bit, not because i want 1k notes, but because 99% chance it won't get 1k notes, but if it does then it'd be a really funny way to break my shyness with sharing my voice to the internet

smurtsune miku smurf my BELOVED

need more character for this btw!