#because I’ve been in a horrid mood

[knavesflames]

ELISE ELISE!!! VERY IMPORTANT QUESTION!!

have you played Elden ring? If yeah, any tought about Malenia? 👀

If you havent played... Well just google the name and share opinion. Im very curious :D

I have not! I did, however, look up the name.

One chance. That’s all I really have to say. I think, if I’ve searched correctly anyway, she looks badass. She could and would kill me I fear and I’m completely okay with that.

My toxic trait is thinking I could take change the hot women. There are too many hot women in the world >:( I could change them guys. I could. I just know it.

[teamfortresstwo]

Eughhh,,, feeling like shit cause I suck at Hades now because I stopped caring about improving in the game but I didn’t think it would make me backslide so much…

[cocteaucherry]

what to expect when you’re expecting

dad!nanami x f!reader

cws- pregnancy, 18+, talk of sexual situations, Nanami worrying, overall fluff, this is during Nanami’s office era, mood swings, talk of morning sickness

a/n- (in the mood for fluffy jjk dad stuff prepare yourselves these next few weeks

once you and nanami found out you were pregnant you couldn’t fully describe the joy in his tired eyes.

Tears streamed down both your cheeks as he held your stomach delicately with pure love.

The first month was pure study and nanami clinging to you as much as he could before being whisked away to his shitty office job,

When nights came, Nanami sat up with you reading from the cliche book ‘what to expect when you’re expecting’ his glasses perched upon his nose.”

“Ken, how many of these books are you planning to buy?” A giggle came from your throat as Nanami bent the page corner, placing the book down to wrap his arms around your soft belly, “As many as we need for our family.”

month three came and you were sure your baby hated you, you’d wake up with a severe headache and a need to vomit rushing to the bathroom to throw up everywhere in the toilet. It wasn’t too horrid though as your husband rubbed your back holding your hair gently in his free hand,

You felt like sobbing when he found you like this every other morning but he reassured you with soft words and kisses, “Angel, Y’know I’ve seen every part of you? You vomiting is really nothing bad.” He’d hum gripping your hand softly.

Although Nanami kissed the ground you walked on, your mood swings seem to cause a challenge for both you and his love driven mind for you.

You’d cry and lash out at him in seemingly ten seconds, apologizing with more tears thereafter. He vaguely remembered when you broke down in his arms because you forgot yeast for the homemade bread you were making for him that night.

“I ruined everything!” You’d sob into his chest and Nanami stood frigid just softly patting your back, “y/n it’s okay really I’ve been meaning to lay off the bread-“

“Oh, so you wouldn’t have liked it anyway!” Your voice would raise as he cleared his throat, “y/n I didn’t mean it like that-“

month five came and you were showing even more, your shirts becoming involuntarily cropped as you sighed staring at yourself in the mirror. “Ken! Do you think Yaga would be mad at this outfit?” You hummed, rubbing your hand softly over your exposed belly.

“Yaga maybe, I know Gojo would try to make a spectacle.”’

You grinned, “Like, how come she’s allowed to wear crop tops but when I do it?” You said trying your best to impersonate his voice which made Nanami smile softly.

“Exactly.”

month six came and it seemed everyone around you was pestering you about whether your baby was a boy or a girl, and when it came to you and nanami you never really cared.

“Kennn,” you said in a sing-songy voice as you took a break from painting the nursery wall, Nanami sat trying to build the way to a difficult crib, “yes my love?” He asked.

“How would you feel if we did a private gender reveal? I don’t really feel like making this a whole deal.”

“‘Course, we’ll do whatever you like baby.”

Later that week nanami and you found out through a pink filled cake you’d be having a girl.

And best believe you and nanami were ecstatic, you strolled down the girl’s aisle looking at the arrays of pastel colors.

You picked up a few items showing them to your husband with a smile, “Kennn! What about this?” You said but you were met with no answer your husband spaced out.

“Ken you okay?” You reached for his hand gripping it lightly until he was snapped out of his trance.

“Sorry love,” he smiled, lifting your palm to his lips to plant a kiss on your knuckles, “we’re just getting closer and closer and I’m worrying more, thinking about raising our girl, the birth and my shitty ass job not letting me take off-“

“Hey, Ken it’s okay,” you hummed leaning up to place a kiss on his jaw, “Everything will work out accordingly, your job I’m not sure about though.” You giggled leaning into his palm.

“You’re right, I’m sorry for worrying you.” Nanami chuckled, reaching for the small outfit you chose, “Do we have a name yet?”

“I think we’ll know when we see her definitely!”

Eight months in and you were slowly reaching your due date, Nanami stayed home caring for you (much to the dislike of his boss). Your pregnancy had been a bit of a breeze the few months but it seemed your baby girl wanted an entrance on her way out.

“Shit- Ken I swear she’s trying to rearrange my organs,” you groaned in discomfort laying on the couch, your rounded stomach on display as you rubbed your belly gently, “Just making more space in there love.” He said jokingly squirting lotion into the palm of his hand, a small hiss leaving your lips as the cold lotion made contact with your stomach.

“I’m in painnn, everything fucking hurts.” You hummed feeling his strong hands rub the lotion around the sides of your stomach, “why’d you have to knock me upp,” you said jokingly and your husband eyed you.

“If I can recall I'm sure it was you who begged me to give you a baby.”

“Mmm.. shut up.” You flicked his arm and he smirked, “Either way, I’m sure our baby will be happy with her strong willed, handsome, and smart father.”

“And I’m sure she’ll love her beautiful, intelligent and compassionate mother as well.”

Days later your body was suspiciously calm and non-achey which you thought was weird but you paid no mind to it, you decided to call up Shoko to hang out in the city for a few hours.

“I mean are you sure you’re okay to walk? I mean you go a day without pain and you think you’re an almighty being and shit.” Shoko’s eyebrow twitched as you sat down at the table of a random restaurant

“Correction, I am, and second I can be due any day now let’s just have some fun before she possibly destroys me.” A grunt came from your lips which caused Shoko to stare at you concerningly.

“I’m fine! I’m fine!” You waved her off picking up a menu, “let’s just enjoy the day,”

“Sheesh okay mama, I guess I should get something for Satoru too he’ll be up my ass.”

“Oh please doesn’t he pawn off a mission or two to see you anyway?”

“Barely! He just hangs out with his students.” Shoko scoffed putting her menu down, “I’ll get something for-“

She was cut off by the abrupt look on your face, a small silence filling the air.

“…”

“Not to sound dramatic or anything but I think the baby is coming.” You looked down to see the entirety of the long flower skirt you were wearing was drenched.

“I’ll call Nanami!” Shoko said quickly standing up.

3:08 pm

Nanami rushed down the halls of the sterile hospital with bags in tow, he had gotten the call from Shoko saying your water broke and never did he rush as quickly as he did.

You had pre planned hospital bags packed last week for an emergency and Nanami made sure to get those before coming to the hospital, he panted to come to your room number to be met with an open door and your glowing face in a hospital gown.

“Ken! Oh you’re so sweaty!” You grinned while walking to wrap your arms around him as his hands immediately dropped the bags, “Well I rushed because a certain someone is giving birth to my daughter.”

“Wonder who that is.”

“Me too, we should both prepare ourselves.. I’m sure gojo is coming pretty soon.”

“Yeah shoko mentioned calling him, I’m surprised you two still have a good relationship.”

Kento groaned rolling his eyes, “good is a word, I can respect and tolerate him.”

10:07 PM

“Fuckkk! Why!” You bit down on your tongue, dried tears streaming down your face as you gripped onto your husband’s hand for dear life.

“You’re doing great sweetheart just a little more okay?” He whispered to you, placing a kiss on your sweat stained forehead.

After about fifteen minutes of groaning and yelling and cursing Nanami for doing this to you, a loud cry came and your baby girl was born.

“Sooo.. we have a name?” You grinned feeling Nanami’s nose press against your scalp, his large finger entrapped in the small grip of his daughter’s.

“Let’s figure that out later..”

[sweet-like-saccharinee]

blood bath

sorry guys for the inactivity, these past weeks have been horrid

and ever since last monday I’ve been in a very bad mood because shit just keeps happening and I can’t catch a fucking break

[xxl4vend3rxx]

Keen observation: Rengoku has an APPALLING RBF

(For reference: RBF stands for Resting Bitch Face)

(This has probably been said before but idrc I wanna rant about this sunshine looking mf)

At first I thought this was just when he was in battle against the demons on the train or when he was fighting against Akaza, but then the more I looked, the more I noticed that it really was just his resting face.

(And don’t get me wrong this isn’t me trying to say that I think Rengoku masks his emotions like Shinobu does, just that his face is not always mirroring his general demeanour. I’ve had a few people think that’s what I meant before x. As someone with a horrid resting face, I do think people just assume I’m in a bad mood when they speak with me- LIKE NO I’M JUST RELAXED I PROMISE I’M NOT MAD)

Thus to prove my points I think it’s essential I give you a compilation of his best (worst) faces:

The first time we saw him not smiling was (I think) when he fought slasher? And personally I think this was just because he was locked in and not focusing on keeping his face looking pleasant, same going for whenever he’s fighting:

(Also “I find you offensive” is such a stupid thing to say like I love you Kyo but what the hell was that 💀)

Then, we catch him in the intro giving demons (Shinjuro included) some NASTY looks - Same goes for when he’s fighting demons on the train:

And even when he’s sleeping:

All the others seem relaxed, but not Kyo - he’s pouting and looks a little ticked off, even before he literally hangs that girl from his arm

Then AGAIN when fighting Akaza! I think he lets the smile go after he dies but I physically can’t get a photos so if anyone finds it 👹TELL ME👹

Also how funny would this be, just imagine trying to get his attention and he looks at you like THIS:

[princelylove]

Hello prince!

I’ve been lurking on your blog for a bit, and I’m so excited by the way you characterize the yanderes!

Seeing your talent with noncon and writing the yanderes being horrid little jerks to their darlings, I’d like to please request: What if darling was very touch adverse due to previous sexual assault/s, not done by the yandere? I feel like you can see the vision, the angst potential.

Just squirming out of the way, shifting to sit on the opposite end of the couch, telling them firmly but as politely as possible to please not touch them. Would telling them even be smart? I’m certain some would take offense that darling technically has a body count, even if it wasn’t consensual. Narciso for example is probably not the man to tell… I’m debating if Josuke would say something to the effect of “Ew. Gross. Don’t tell me that when I’m trying to smash” or if he’d just tune it out entirely. Narancia probably wouldn’t care, until too many rejected physical affections make him stabby.

I’m not even sure if the “nicer”, more protective ones like Risotto would handle the flinching well. I am curious with how you portray him, he does seem oddly sweet in an overbearing way, but a man’s patience has limits.

Of course, there’s so much potential, so many different reactions! But our Prince is busy; If any characters in particular (mentioned here or not) jump out to you, I’d like to hear your thoughts!

Ahh. Sexual aversion. The biggest problem for obsessive, insecure types. Not all sexual abuse victims will react this way, obviously, but it's an interesting concept. The full wheel of fight or flight reactions- freezing, fighting, fleeing, fawning- they're all awful, depending on your yandere.

The only one who can fully understand someone who's been raped or sexually assaulted is someone that's been raped or sexually assaulted. Sexual abuse is a niche that only other abuse victims can understand.

Frankly, you don't know what it's like. It's hard to understand even when it's such a simple concept as "he touched me when I didn't want it" or "she kept harassing me continuously." It's simple! It's just trauma. Shit happens. But it's not.

Most yanderes do not have an ounce of understanding for basic psych- nor do they want their darling to be getting treated by some guy that can fill their head with ideas of them being an abuser of some kind just because they love a little hard. It's impossible for them to understand why you're reacting in such a way.

Never mind the fact that most of them have their own issues and are going to take even the smallest bit of rejection personally. It's not even supposed to be a big deal- you're just politely declining.

Narancia never learned that rejection isn't always personal, nor is it always, really, that deep. Sometimes, people just aren't in the mood. He doesn't even have that high of a sex drive, sometimes the sight of his darling just does something for him, and he assumes it's mutual. It's not like he's a total dog- it's just that sometimes, he'll start to move his hands a little too up or down during mandatory holding time.

Narancia enforces that daily cuddling time, whether you want it or not. If you're clearly having an anxiety attack because he's holding you down and has a knife to your throat to make sure you don't squirm out, he'll just kiss it better, because kisses make him feel better.

To Narancia, any bit of pulling away is too much. It means you want to leave him and hate him and think he's stupid. Really, all you're saying is you don't want sex, not him, but his cute little brain can't differentiate between real and perceived abandonment.

He thinks you're just doing that thing chicks do- you know, playing hard to get. You don't wanna seem like a total slut, sure, but isn't that way hotter than this whole fleeing from him like he's a predator bullshit? You gotta be mad at him. There's no way you'd just scoot away from him for no reason- you love cuddling with him! He knows you keep trying to tell him about how some guy was bad to you in the past, but he's dead, so who cares! He took care of the problem! What?

Narancia usually takes "no" as a fighting word. You can actually see his smile drop once you say it. You're leaving him. What did he do? No, you can't leave him. He loves you. He hates you. You're the worst and a total bitch for doing this to him. Wait, don't go. He'll be a better boyfriend.

One too many of these conversations means the inevitable, that pocket knife is coming out. You're fucking with him and deserve it, like you deserved whatever the hell made you into such a bitch.

He'll patch up whatever wound he made while crying later. He didn't mean it. Do you still love him?

That body count comment.... Some yanderes do care that you're not "pure" anymore.

Risotto isn't one of those types. If anything, it makes him think that you need him more. You're delicate, you're wounded. Something happened and he wasn't there just yet, wasn't aware of you...

You're like a little doe with a broken leg. What a sweet little thing. He takes extra care not to snap the legs you have left; Risotto doesn't have a high sex drive and doesn't enjoy forcing his darling to do anything. The only time he'll ever use all of that strength against you is to one, bring you home and two, force you into a hug you 'clearly' need. He doesn't even sleep in the same bed as you, he'd sooner sleep in his office chair or on the floor. In the same room, but nowhere close. If you would like, he can leave for the night. (To you.)

Physical affection helps. If you get used to him, you'll be comforted by his presence, his smell. The only thing being forced down your throat is dinner, some water during the day. Doesn't that sound good?

Risotto is fairly happy to accommodate you. He's not about to punish you for communicating with him. He spoils you, in a sense. As much as he can. Anything but taking that lock off the front door, anything but letting you out. He doesn't... understand, entirely. He doesn't know what would help someone of your... someone fighting your battles. Do you want crafts? Some company, no company? He could teach you how to sew so you're not just sitting there listening to the voices down the hall all day.

You're just proving his point by backing away from him. He sighs a little bit, he wasn't going to do anything, but it's not like you know that. Risotto's voice is always low and soft, he's talking to you like he loves you.

Which he does.

"It's only me. I was reaching for your hand. Just put your hand on top of mine for a few seconds."

Men his age know how to be patient. He'd bear anything to make his darling happy, to give them a good life. He'd work a hard labor job on a rotten foot. He'd give up his bed, his entire office. He'd stay awake all night to ease the anxiety that something is going to get you. His frustrations... they're taken out elsewhere. While it may (definitely does) stress him out that he isn't making any progress with his darling, it brings him a sense of pleasure that he isn't harming them. That's the most important thing to him. Having them, keeping them to himself, and keeping them away from harm.

Some yanderes, usually the younger and more possessive ones, do care about your "body count." Really, if you're asking the question, it's because you want a certain answer.

Contradicting myself immediately, I mean types like Wes. You're ruining his fantasy of you when you talk about shit you've done in the past, and you're pissing him off with this whole 'backing away and borderline screaming' shit. He's not gonna hurt you, he's just a little handsy. Come on.

Wes has little patience. He used to be a lot sweeter when he was younger and when he temporarily lost his memories. If you're not this sweet little schoolgirl that's gonna spend all of her firsts on him, why is he even here? Why's he so interested in sloppy seconds? His obsession unfortunately won't just go away, but it's clear he's less than thrilled over it once he figures you out. It's something that has him in a bad mood every time he remembers, but it's also... not the worst. If you're still all anxious and timid, that's cute, and therefore hot.

Maybe it's not so bad after all, as long as you pretend to be what he wants. He thinks it's fun to get a rise out of his darling- as long as you're dressed how he'd like, and looking at him like he's going to eat you just because his hand is firmly on your thigh, then he can forget about it for a little bit. It's better when you freeze, or when you're all polite about it. Nothing does it for him like a formal no, and that look of panic... you might as well still be a virgin if you're scared of a little touching.

[itsabouttimex2]

hey 👋 could you please do more of platonic yandere hawks x teenage bartender reader pls ? :)) I love your work

(Aw, thank you! I’ll go back and tag this series as “Teenage Bartender” since I’ve got a few fics for it now)

Patronage

Out of all the people you’ve ever served, Mr. Takami is definitely your favorite patron. The League of Villains ranges from outright bad to somewhat decent when it comes to personality, each causing you trouble in their own way.

Mr. Bubaigawara is also pretty alright, but you have to cut him off after a while so he doesn’t drink himself to sickness. He’ll switch from thanking you for looking out for him to criticizing you for being a “mood-killer” in the same breath. You like to believe that the kinder half of him is the “real” one. It always feels more sincere, in your opinion. You try to see the good in everyone around you, after all. No matter how hard it may be, or how dangerous or depraved the individual is.

Maybe you’re an optimist, Keigo Takami thinks to himself, nursing a non-alcoholic strawberry spritzer. Or maybe you’re simply too naive to see the dangers of the killers and criminals around you. Maybe it’s a case of feeling obligated to love the unloved, to accept the spurned, to try and save those dedicated to hurling themselves headfirst towards irredeemability. Maybe you sympathize with them, with what they’ve been through in their tumultuous and checkered lives.

No matter what the reason is, what really matters is that you, in spite of whatever horrid circumstances have landed you in the middle of these villains, playing caretaker and maid and nanny to drunk, belligerent murderers…

You’re still kind.

That’s why Keigo truly believes that you, more than anyone else here, can be redeemed.

Not only because of the way you treat him, but also the way you treat your “coworkers”.

When Toga gets immediately drunk off of whatever cutesy cocktail she begged you to whip up, you help her get to a couch and make her lay down, leaving a bin by her side. When Shigaraki is having another one of his tantrums, you line up all the broken glasses and worn down equipment you have onto the countertop so he has something to focus his aggression on. You listen close to all of Spinner’s rants about Stain, even if you don’t understand a word he’s saying.

You see something in them, clearly. Keigo isn’t quite sure what it is exactly, but he’d love to know. Do you care about them? Do you think they could redeem themselves? Do you think you can off-put their suffering and bloodthirstiness by being kind? Do you consider them to be family? Do you consider him family?

You’ve been around him long enough to see him as a friend, surely. You treat the winged double-crosser with the same forthcoming kindness that everyone receives when they sit at your counter, ensuring that he’s happy, hydrated, warm, and not-

“-hurt? Mr. Takami, did you get hurt?”

“Sorry, kiddo. Didn’t quite catch that one. Run it by me again?”

“That mission ran a little long, didn’t it? Usually you’re back a lot sooner, so I wanted to make sure that you were alright, Mr. Takami. You’re not hurt, are you?”

Keigo is a well-guarded man. He doesn’t give away too much and he’s good at hiding his feelings and thoughts. Still, he can’t keep himself from smiling right now. With a gloved hand, he reaches out to ruffle your hair.

“Just fine, kiddo. Things got a little troublesome- when don’t things get troublesome, huh? But i got the job done no problem, like always.”

You try to meet his smile evenly, taking his drained glass and giving him a fresh drink in turn. There’s a moment of strange silence, something’s there’s never been between the two of you.

“I’m really glad,” you quietly admit to him, breaking the lull. “I think you’re… you’re the only one who talks to me the way you do. I don’t…”

He leans forward, propping his elbows on the table and resting his chin on his twined fingers. “Talk to me, pint-size. You’ve got my ear. I’ve got some time to kill.” He adds the last line just to make sure that you know he won’t mind if this takes a while. Even if he didn’t have the time… he would make it, for you.

“I really, really do like everyone! Really, I do! But it just feels… it all feels so endless, Mr. Takami. If someone isn’t mad at me, they’re puking on the floor. If they aren’t puking, they’re crying in the corner. If they aren’t crying, they’re picking fights. If they’re not fighting, they’re breaking things. If they aren’t breaking things, they’re mad at me for something. It just goes on and on, and I- I just-“

You pause, your breath hitching inwards sharply as you bury your face into your hands. You put your palms flat on the countertop, staring at your weary reflection on the polished surface.

“I’m so tired, Mr. Takami. And I feel like I’m never gonna get to take a break.”

“Okay, come over here,” Keigo guides, leading you around the counter by your hand and towards where he remembers seeing you head each night. Your personal room, he assumes. “The bar,” you try to argue as he pulls you along, “needs me at the counter. What if someone comes by for a drink?” Your words fall on deaf ears, it seems. “Most of the league is made of grown men, kid. Trust me, they can stomach a few hours without alcohol.”

He opens the door, giving himself the first view of your room he’s ever seen.

Knowing that you can’t see the face he’s making, the undercover hero allows himself to frown at the sight.

This isn’t a bedroom. This is a storage closet with a small bed and a nightstand. It’s barely four feet wide, and just about six feet long. The sort of room you’d put spare brooms and mops in, where you’d hide away a half-used gallon of drain cleaner or spare dish soap bottles you had gotten on sale. A place too claustrophobic and enclosed for anything except supplies.

But instead, this room had been given to you, a literal teenager who was giving their all to support the League in spite of getting nothing out of it.

For just a moment, his blood boils.

The League can pretend to be good. They can pretend to be heroes and freedom fighters. They can pretend that they’re fighting for a fair and just society. They can pretend that they aren’t monsters and murderers.

But this is how they treat their own. He’s always known this. The League of Villains prioritizes powerful, dangerous individuals above all else, prioritizes those who can spread chaos and mayhem in the name of their destructive goal. And you don’t fit into that powerhouse category, so you get shuffled away, tucked out of sight when they don’t have you serving them or playing babysitter to grown drunkards.

Keigo thinks he understands it, at least. But the truth is that some of the League do care for you. Twice, Spinner, Magne, Toga, Mr. Compress… all of them do care about you, as a friend or as family. And in turn, you care for them.

But he doesn’t think of that. As he helps you into the cramped bed, he thinks of “saving” you, and getting you out of here. Of bringing you home and keeping you safe from the harms and horrors of the world around you.

And there will soon come a day that you tumble out of the villain’s claws and into a hero’s talons.

[not-the-coffee-machine4]

update on the Joe Fannelli* AIDS memorial panel for those interested: I am closing in on the homestretch y’all! All the felt accessories have been cut and sewn accordingly (took like three days), and apart from a few minor crises (messed up the stripes on my own country’s flag, ran out of red thread halfway through sewing the UK flag, stabbed myself with the needle so hard I’ve drawn blood) things are going smoothly and I’ve begun sewing the felt letters of his name to the fabric. So far I only have the “Joe” and that alone took like three hours because I don’t have a sewing machine and also I accidentally stitched the J to my bed so I had to redo that 💀

once that’s done, I’ll sew the accessories to the fabric, do the required paperwork, and call it good!

on track to be done by next week, and I’ll try to ship it out as soon as possible but the temperatures where I am are going to be HORRID and quite frankly, I’m not in the mood to freeze to death!

TL:DR: not long now!!

*we have amassed reliable information that his name is in fact spelled with two Ns and not one

[horror-beeings-artandwriting]

I hate having depression, I’m hardly able to do anything, not because I don’t want to but I just have no energy, I know I can’t control it, I know it’s not my fault but I just keep thinking about how disappointed my mom would be.

It doesn’t help I have developed horrid anxiety, have c-ptsd, and really bad attachment issues…not to mention the self image issues.

I feel like I’m dying but when I try to lean on someone I just feel bad. I feel bad for having panic attacks at restaurants because everything is to loud and the fans sound like a hospital

I hate not being able to use hand sanitizer because It smells like a hospital.

I hate having to lean on my friends for support because every therapist I’ve been to doesn’t understand how to help me. And makes me feel like I’m the problem.

I hate that I blame myself every day for what happened.

I hate that my mom is dead.

I hate that I can’t do anything but cry.

I hate that I have to take pills to feel normal. And even then it’s hardly a difference.

I hate eating as a coping mechanism because I feel disgusting when I do.

I hate being overweight because it just makes my depression worse.

I wish I was pretty.

I wish I was happy.

I wish I was like how I was when I was 5. I wish I looked how i wanted to look. I wish I wasn’t fat, I wish I could just put on clothes that I like and not feel like a huge tub of lard.

I wish I wasn’t sad all the time and bring down the mood in the room.

I wish I could eat out and not feel self conscious about ordering a burger over a salad that tastes like dirt.

I wish I could go to the gym and not feel like I need to cover up every part of my body.

I wish I wasn’t so bulky.

I wish I wasn’t tall.

I wish I didn’t get told “you’re as strong as a guy.”

I don’t know how much longer I can handle it

I just wanna finish my school year and not break down again.

I was looking forward to taking to the rest of the school year off to work on feeling better (and do one start up class for college)

But now my dad says I have to get a job.

I don’t wanna be seen.

I don’t want people to look at me.

He promised I’d never have to work as long as I was in school.

My mama promised I’d never have to do that.

Why is he breaking her promise?

I just wanna disappear forever.

[return-to-twisted-wonderland]

🔆anon

Canis wasn’t supposed to be up right now. He was well aware, but his body made sure no doubt would be left. He should be in bed right now because apparently if he’s in the wrong place at the wrong time, he ends up in the middle of an overblot fight.

He just had to make friends with Heartstopper and Bluey over there in Heartslabyul. He just had to listen to them complain about their dorm head. He just had to join them when they went to challenge him “for their safety”.

Does Canis regret what he did? No, not really.

Does it hurt as he bumbles his way to Ramshackle to make sure his other friend Grimstone has food? Absolutely.

He opened the door and it only took one second for the screaming cat appear in front of him, swiping at the bag he brought. “It’s been the whole day! I was starving.” Grim sniffed the air. “And what’s that smell? Smells like you brought something extra good.”

Canis pushed past Grimstone as he tried his best to close the busted door. He went to sit down on the dilapidated couch before taking out some tuna. “Relax. I had a lot happen today. And I just brought you usual stuff.” He opened the can, and was assaulted by the horrid smelling fish. “I still don’t know how you can stand this.”

Grim dumped the can of tuna in his mouth, not even swallowing before he stared talking. “Mu-uph. U gof somfing good. I shmell it.”

“I can’t understand you if you talk and eat.”

Grim gave a hard swallow to everything in his mouth. Canis was genuinely shocked he didn’t choke or something. Then again, is Grimstone even capable of that? “I said you’re lying. Cause I know you got something good. I can smell it.” Without asking for permission, he went to dig through the inside of Canis’s blazer.

“Hey! Stop that! I went through a lot, I’m not in the mood for games, Grimstone.” He pulled out the cat only to notice a black stone in Grim’s paw. Is that what he meant? That was a stone he just picked up after the fight with Red Rose. He thought it was cool and picked it up, but shoved it in his pocket without thinking when someone came over to him. There wasn’t any smell on it though.

“See! I knew you had something!”

“That’s just a rock. Does stone eat stone or something, Grimstone?”

“If it’s just a rock, why does it smell so good? It smells like a bunch of flowers and cakes and stuff.” Grim shoved the stone in his mouth. “Tasts lyk it too.”

“That’s a rock! Spit it out!” Canis tried to pry open Grimstone’s jaws but it didn’t work. The stone ended up swallowed.

“You seriously bought some good candy and wanted to keep it to yourself by calling it a rock?”

“You know what?” Canis took a deep breath. “I’ve had enough today. I’m just going to sit here in silence for a bit. You have the bag of food. It’s got some sandwiches and water and stuff left. Get whatever you want. I’m just going to close my eyes.” He closed his eyes to the sound of Grim shuffling through the bag, and the world started to fade as he drifted off to sleep.

Oh jeez

Grimmy please, stop eating the rocks.

[joviepog]

Puddle of tears

Where you and wilbur cry and sing the songs you made together after both of your horrid breakups. Finally reuniting.

(Part two of Jovie’s series, “Click”.)

—ᱬ-ᱬ-ᱬ-ᱬ-ᱬ-ᱬ-

Part 1 — Part 3

Warnings: cursing, angst, mention of depression, sad, signs mental abuse, signs of manipulation.

Pronouns: She / They

Who: Wilbur soot x reader

Word count: 2014 words!

Tag list: No one

Anything else: So, ive been having hard times irl and i think this was a great way for me to express them in a way you guys will love. I started writing this right after i made the first one because this was the part i was most excited to write. I put a couple of songs in there to give you the aesthetic but by all means you do not have to listen to them. They are just what i thought the mood was in that period of time. Though i do recommend to listen to the second song (at least the beginning) because that is the song they sing together. Like always, I’ve gotten almost no sleep s please excuse any errors.

This story was NOT proofread.

Listen to this as you read!

—ᱬ—

You sat on you bed, snuggled up in some blankets. You were reading, trying to get your mind off of anything and everything. Wilbur was sitting on the opposite side of your bed, sitting with his knees to his chest. He was scrolling through his phone. His eyes seemed wary and his eye bags only made them look worse. One of his arms were hugging his leg while the other held his phone.

You could only guess you looked worse. You haven’t slept in days. You haven’t showered in a good while and all you’ve eaten are a couple of ramen noodles that you got from the nearest store. You’ve been in your pajamas for days, only changing them every 4 days. You’ve barely been drinking any water and you’ve only brushed your teeth 4 times in the last 6 days. The only thing keeping your breath from smelling of garbage are a couple of packets of gum that you have lying around your flat. Your eyes were red and puffy from all the crying sessions you had the night before.

You were lucky that wilbur was even dealing with you. You felt so lucky to have your friend with you again. The fact he even drove 20 minutes away just to be with you every day is absolutely bewildering. You reunited with him the day you got broken up with. You remember it clear as day.

You had gotten a text from Josh. Someone you haven’t heard from in ages. You where in the middle of making yourself some ramen when you checked your phone. You remember feeling scared. Like he was going to yell at you for not talking to him for so long. For leaving soothouse randomly. For yelling at him the day he asked what was wrong. You where so scared. You left the text message alone for hours. Till you finally opened it up around 10 pm. Your eyes widened when you read it.

He wasn’t yelling at you, he wasn’t asking you questions, he wasn’t even talking about you. The text message was small and clear, “Wilbur got his heartbroken by some girl who used him to travel the world. I think he needs help, he’s struggling but he wont talk to any of us. He trusts you. Can you talk to him?” He was talking about wilbur. The one person you didn’t dare talk to. The one person, that you were really, really scared to talk to. You didn’t have it in you to comfort anyone. You needed to be comforted by someone…

And yet, you found yourself calling Wilbur. The first call was a let down, and yet you knew it was going to happen. You heard the phone ring and ring until it went to voicemail. You were going to give up. You really were. But something told you to try again. ‘Just one last time’

You clicked the call button once again. Expecting it to ring out. But after one ring the phone was picked up. You stayed silent, unable to speak, scared. There was a small sniffle from the other side. And you couldn’t help but sniffle back. You two sat in silence for a moment, only the sounds of soft sniffles coming through. But, when you were ready to hang up, to curse at yourself for even trying; you heard four words over the phone.

“Can I come over?” There was a silence once again. The voice was groggy, it sounded as if it was forced out. You could tell he had been crying. You wanted to cry too… “Yeah…” was all you could manage to get out. You hadn’t told anyone about the breakup. But your ex probably told everyone. Wilbur was probably one of the first people he told. He was so obsessed with wilbur, you hated him so much for it.

—ᱬ—ᱬ—ᱬ—

“YOU WERE TALKING TO WILBUR AGAIN?!? HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NOT TO?” He yelled out, pointing at the door from where you and wilbur once stood. “UGH. HE WAS PROBABLY THINKING ABOUT HOW MUCH HE WANTED YOU! CAN’T YOU TELL HOW IN LOVE HE IS? HE WANTS TO STEAL YOU AWAY. FROM ME! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT YN?” He turned toward you, his eyes flaming, “YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST TO MAKE HIM HAPPY, I’LL TELL HIM WHEN WE BREAK UP. SO HE HAS SOME SORT OF FUCKING CHANCE WITH YOU.SO THAT HE CAN FINALLY LIVE OUT HIS SHITTY FANTASY.”

This caught your attention. Tears started to form, “You- You think we are going to break up one day?” Your voice was meek, unable to bring to many words out. Tears started to flow from your face as you looked up at him from where you were seated. His gaze softened a bit, (which now that you think back on it he might have thought he had gotten caught) and worry covered his face.

“If.” He paused, “If it happens. I don’t think it will. But if it does it will be the first thing I do.” He kneeled to where you were sitting and cupped you face in his hands. With his thumb he rubbed your tears away. “See what he caused baby? He wants this to happen.” He paused as he leaned his forehead on yours, “stop talking to him baby, then none of this will ever happen again.”

You nodded, scared of what he would do if you said no. He smiled at you and pulled away from your face. He gave you a soft kiss before walking away, not looking back. Once you made sure that he left you cried. You cried so hard. Later that day he made sure you wouldn’t talk to wilbur at all. Your surprised he even let you keep his contact.

—ᱬ—ᱬ—ᱬ—

Once wilbur got there he knocked slowly. That doesn’t matter though. Because by the first knock you where already there to open the door. You opened the door quickly. It had been over a year that you hadn’t seen him. Your eyes widened when you saw him. The moment you laid eyes on him tears started to form. And by the time you took a few steps to hug him, you were already crying. Your tears soaking his sweater. He hugged you back and started to cry too. He buried his face in your hair as he did.

It was a beautiful moment. You felt so lost without him. And now that you two were together you felt complete. Like you finally gained back your missing piece. You two kept crying in each others arms. You didn’t want to let go. You wouldn’t let go. It was this beautiful, sad reunion that must have been so awkward for your neighbors.

And now, as you sat here in a comfortable silence with wilbur you couldn’t help but let out a sigh of both happiness and sadness. Wilbur was going through the same thing you were going through. He felt like someone you could really just… relax with. In these days of misery you and wilbur have made some stupid breakup songs. You both memories them by now but you stopped singing them about a week ago. You think you guys just kind of gave up. On everything. You guys barely talk on a daily. You guys just sit in a comfortable silence.

Suddenly you find yourself standing up and walking towards your cupboard, pulling out a new set of pajamas.

“What are you doing?” Asked wilbur as he looked up from his phone. “I’m going to take a shower and brush my teeth. I feel disgusting. Maybe getting myself together again will help?” I say, more of a question than a statement. He nods a yes and looks back at his phone. You sigh and walk away, cursing at yourself for even getting up. You already regretted your decision and you weren’t even to the restroom yet. You arrived to the restroom and opened the door, you walk in and lock the door behind you. You let out a sigh once again. You set your cloths aside as you turn on your shower. You quickly get your toothbrush out and you start brushing your teeth, waiting for the water to heat up. Once your done brushing your teeth and you see the mirrors start to fog up you undres and get in the shower. The hot water relaxing your body. You let out one last sigh. Letting the water calm your body for a bit more. But after a few seconds you get to work. You scrubbed your hair and your body like there was no tomorrow. And once you felt clean, you tuned off the water and grabbed the towel. You dried your body then you wrapped you hair in the towel. You stepped out of your shower and put on some lotion and cloths. You felt like a whole new person. You felt refreshed, you were surprised you even made it out of the bed.

Anyway, once you got back into the room with wilbur he had a guitar in hand. He smiled at you and you smiled back. You plopped yourself on the bed next to him. You saw as his fingers moved too were they need to go next. “Are you willing to sing a bit?” He says with a smile, it seems forced, but you nodd.

—ᱬ—

Listen to this for the next part:

—ᱬ—

“He never had cool stories. He doesn't make your heart beat.Used to love his mystery. But now he's just exhausting. Another day spent just laying in his room. The stench of incense. And some undelivered food.” You forced a smile as you heard him play. This was your song. The one that hurt you the most. Nevertheless, he continued.

“And she thought. ‘What if he thinks I'm the one?’” You sang that part with him. The memories rushing back. You felt a lump in your throat form as the two fo you continued.

“And I'll be forced to rot away, with him and his obsessions, with trivial things. Like the amount of fucking love hearts I finish a text message with.” You laughed a bit at the end, thinking about how much he cared about stupid little things. The lump I your throat grew bigger and you cursed at yourself upon how just one song could get you so emotional.

“And when you hold his hands…” Then it was your turn, “ It doesn't feel like flying.”

“And when you take his breath away…” he looked at you with a small smirk as you sang, “he might as well be dying.”

“And you're dying to breathe, You're trapped in his cage.” He paused for a moment as he looked at you, his face now covered with worry and sadness, “And its shrinking.

“And she thought, ‘What if he just never leaves?Or if he doesn't get the message?And he doesn't hear my please?‘“ You started to tear up, all the pain, and all the depression, and all the feelings came back. You felt it all. Like you were expierenceing it all over again. You looked down as you continued singing, you could already feel his nervous gaze. But once again, he proceeded.

“So she just started screaming… Why can’t he just bore me to death.” A reference to some old text with wilbur. You started to feel your pajamas becoming wet. Wilbur paused, looking at you and putting your hand on your shoulder. “YN..”

You shook your head, tears still flowing down your face. “Keep singing. It’s alright.” He sat in silence for another moment before singing another song. One of his songs. You leaned on his shoulder and you started to cry on it. You could hear his voice starting to sound choppy as well but he persisted. As you cried you found yourself drifting to sleep. His voice calming you as he went. Even if it was choppy because of his tears. You still loved it.

And soon, you found yourself asleep. Lying in a puddle of tears.

Yeah like i said before this was really nice to write. Also im working on being able to use links right so it should be up on my pinned soon.

[thin-line-between-us]

Morals

Alexis Drazen x Reader

A story in which an overworked nurse gets herself into a tricky situation by being kind

Word count: 2956

Pt. 1 of what might become a series

This is set in a world where Elizabeth did less damage to his insides than in the show

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

November nights in California were not particularly cold, but you’d never catch me outside without at least a sweater, which is exactly what I threw on over my surprisingly clean scrubs before leaving the cold, sanitary confines of my job. 24 hour shifts were not a regular occurrence, but we were understaffed for a week now and sometimes you had to take one for the team. My eyelids felt heavy and driving home felt almost unsafe in this condition. Coffee, the thought popped up as I was about to leave the break room after collecting a few stray things. Was it the best coffee in town? God no, sometimes it looked like someone had poured dirty water in the pot and called it a day. It did have its perks though; it was highly caffeinated and acted fast enough that by the time I left the elevator my mood had been slightly lifted.

“Where is he?! I swear he was here a few minutes ago, he shouldn’t even be able to walk yet” The commotion on the other end of the hallway caused me to pick up my stride towards the exit in case it was something horrid enough to keep me here even a minute longer and away from my warm shower and fresh comfortable clothes. A gust of wind hit me right in the face as I stepped outside and it was so nice to finally be away from everything and everyone. 

The parking lot was almost empty now, but it sure wasn’t when I came to work and I cursed myself for not looking to park closer. Turning the corner to where I parked my car I was met with an ass. Quite literally. First thing I see is a man in a hospital gown that had obviously been put on haphazardly as his whole backside was exposed due to someone forgetting the second tie. I looked him up and down for a few seconds before realization hit me. 

“If you’re trying to rob me or steal my car, you have very poor taste. The on-call doctor’s car was like 50 feet behind me and it’s a lot more valuable, plus he’s kind of a douche so I won’t tell” I said as I was still standing a safe distance away from the now startled man. I could see him tense and turn around so fast I spilled some coffee on myself from his sudden movement making me flinch. I knew I wasn’t in any danger the moment he grabbed his forehead and fell on his knees, the blood seeping into the front of his gown now much more visible to me under the barely there lights. At that point instinct kicked in and I lunged at him, forgetting he might still be armed “Whoa there buddy, let's get you back inside before you do something the people inside can’t fix alright?” but whilst I grabbed him to help him up he kept me firmly down by him and I had a moment of clarity that this might’ve been a bad idea.

“I’m not going back inside, I’d rather die here” was all I got as a response before he looked up. He had no anger or crazy in his eyes and I’ve seen both before, they looked like he had given up. He loosened his grip on me and sat back against my car but I no longer had the urge to run, he needed help and I knew I was going to be the said help unless I wanted him to take his last breath right here in this parking lot. “Okay we don’t have to go back in there, is there anywhere else I can take you? Preferably another hospital because you do need medical attention and the sooner the better” I tried to talk softly since he did have what seemed like a scalpel in his hand which he most likely used to attempt a break in mere moments ago. “I… don’t think so. No place that will be safe for me” shit, shit, shit was all that was running through my mind as I listened to him and knew I’ll regret my own suggestion. “Okay well I have a first aid kit here, but I’m pretty sure you ripped some stitches and if hospitals are a no… will you come home with me? That sounds bad but I promise I won’t finish you off, not a killer” I raised my hands in defense, smacking myself internally for even bringing that up and even worse, asking a stranger who already sounds like bad news into my home. 

When he attempted to get up from his position on the cold hard ground I took that as his agreement and held out my hand to assist him, which he gladly took before I realized my keys were still somewhere in my bag. “Lean back on the car for a minute, I don’t have my keys and if they are as hard to find as usual I don’t want you toppling over again in that time” he just nodded and shifted his weight backwards, not once stopping his looking around as if at any moment someone will jump out of the shadows and get him. He might not be crazy, but he sure is paranoid I thought to myself as I prepared to fight my overstuffed duffel bag. However, today luck was on my side as I opened the bag and my keys shined on top of everything. I pulled them out and unlocked the car, the stranger didn’t move, instead he held his hand out silently asking for the keys “No way, not a chance, not happening, get in the passenger seat. Last thing I need is you passing out from blood loss whilst driving, you already look like a ghost, who knows maybe you’re a hallucination” I heard what almost sounded like a chuckle from the man as i rambled on about his grim state before he shifted and slowly moved around whilst firmly holding on to the car for support. I got in and closed my door before he even got half way to his destination, briefly internally debating leaving him before pinching myself for even thinking such things. He finally got to his side and sat with a loud groan from his obvious discomfort. I started the car and pulled out of the lot going towards home before either one of you could once again think this was a bad idea. 

“Do you take wounded strangers home often? Or am I a special case? Because I don’t need pity, you decided that I shouldn’t die tonight” he finally spoke and this time I could hear an accent coming from him, his words were so quiet earlier that I hadn’t even noticed. His statement seemed very serious though  “No pity, got that. Does that mean I can stick a needle in you without any painkillers or numbing? Always wanted to try that and they don’t let you do it in hospitals” I tried lightening up the mood, but he seemed perplexed, as if he couldn’t quite tell if I was joking. His stare was intense, I could feel it send shivers up my spine but I didn’t dare to take my eyes off the road for even a second until I was safely parked by my small apartment building, it was nothing fancy but it sure was peaceful with only a few people living around me and most of those being elders. They’d be asleep or getting ready to by this time, so the chances of running into them with a bloody and slightly intimidating man were slim to none. 

“Alright, we’re here but I do have to warn you, I’m up on the second floor and there’s no elevator, think you can manage? I can always bring everything down and stitch you up in the trunk but that’s a little too trying to help roadkill for my taste” dark humor was not helping right now and I could see that from his scrunched face at the thought. He didn’t waste time opening his door but getting out was a different story. At that point leaving my work bag seemed like a no-brainer since I’d have to act as a human crutch for someone towering over me by at least half a foot. I popped the keys in my pocket and jogged over to his side before he could struggle too much, potentially doing more damage. No hesitation or questions were heard from the guy as he took my outstretched hand and leaned on my shoulders once on his feet. The trip upstairs was not as bad as I had first imagined it and once we were inside I chose to waste no time.

The moment he was stable on a chair in the kitchen I ran to gather supplies, everything I could possibly need as I still didn’t know the extent of his injury, he ran away from a hospital, how bad could it possibly be? Once I had everything laid out on the table from simple bandages to a suture kit, I froze. He had started slowly pulling his arm out of his gown, “Name!” I blurted out louder than I had intended and he once again had that look of confusion written all over his face, ‘Your name, can I at least know your name before you get naked in my kitchen?” I explained myself, looking at his face for more than a millisecond since meeting him. He was a very attractive man even if he was visibly a few shades paler, and I was right to avoid his gaze in the car, his blue eyes made it look like he was looking right into my soul. “Alexis” was his very short and simple answer before he continued shedding his gown painfully slow until he saw that it was stuck to his bloody torso. Alexis tugged at it once before realizing that was a mistake as he scowled and threw a few foreign words out at the sensation.

“See what would you do without me now?” I rolled my eyes as he leaned back letting me take care of the problem. All he needed was something wet and sterile to remove the gown with much less pain than his initial approach. I sprayed the bloody patch and waited for it to soak in, going in once more to make sure it was really detached before gently peeling it from the wound and skin around it. That gave me a quick moment to take in the fact that he was very well built, as I placed the fabric on his lap trying to keep him decent although he didn’t seem concerned at all. “I think I might need you to lay down, seems they repaired whatever internal damage you had and it stayed but you ripped a few stitches on the outside and I don’t want it to heal all crooked” I explained examining the wound “Get comfy on the table and I’ll be right back” I picked up all the unnecessary supplies to free up space for him to lay down before walking to my bathroom to put it all away. 

The last thing I expected was the first thing I saw walking into the room which elicited a very loud high pitched squeal from me. Even the unbothered Alexis was startled and snapped his head in my direction. Whilst I worried about keeping him covered minutes ago, he had hopped up on the table not bothering with the flimsy piece of material over his lap. “Not cool dude!” I walked around him trying to shield myself from the view as best as I could and still see where I’m going. I snatched the blanket from the back of the couch and threw it in his general direction. “You missed.” Oh great I thought to myself before turning to see where it had landed, but it was already draped over his lap. You wouldn’t have complained about him naked in any other situation because frankly it was a nice view but this was not the time for silly shenanigans. 

“I thought I was clear on the lay down part and why” I crossed my arms looking at him with whatever seriousness I could pull together at the moment. He complied and I finally approached him pulling on clean gloves and opening the suture kit “This will hurt Mr. Tough guy” I cleaned the area one more time before putting the needle through his skin. Almost instantly his arm was at my side squeezing gently but his face remained unfazed as he stared at the ceiling refusing to acknowledge what was happening to his torso. Second plunge into the skin and it was my turn to wince as his grip got painful, but the moment any sound left my lips he released it. A gentle sorry was all that was heard as he continued staring at what seemed to be the most interesting ceiling in the world. “Who got you this good? Seems like you pissed someone off” I let a smile slip as I thought about some of the ridiculous stories previous patients have told about their own stab wounds. Sometimes even I couldn’t believe the stuff that came out of peoples mouths. “A woman. Shouldn’t anger them, they can be ruthless” now he was looking at me and smiling even as I put in the last stitch and tied it off. “Ah so an angry girlfriend, better not tell her where you are or she might actually kill you this time” I cut the thread and opened up a bandage, sticking it right over the long line of stitches to protect them from any dirt. “Wait right here, do not move an inch” I was already on my way to the bedroom as I warned him with a very non threatening finger point. The box in the back of my closet was dusty but I was sure it would finally pay off keeping this stuff, he seemed about the right size. A pair of boxers, a t-shirt and sweatpants were easy enough to find and in no time I was back with Alexis in the kitchen, handing him the clothing “They don’t seem your style exactly but you can’t really complain either, it’s that or the blanket” as soon as the clothing was in his hands I turned around hoping he’ll get the hint to put it on. “And here I thought you liked me lying naked on a table” he joked around which made things at least that much less awkward, but soon enough I could hear the shuffling and a few grunts here and there as he strained to put on the garments.

Not even a minute passed before I felt a tap on my shoulder probably meaning I could turn around and not be met with Alexis in his birthday suit. Everything fit him almost perfectly except for the shirt clinging to his broad shoulders with the threat of tearing at any sudden movement, he was much broader than Brad but he was also taller so the shirt sat just right above his waistband. “You like what you see?” snapped me right out of my ogling and back to reality. “No” came out harsher than I intended but he was still a stranger even if he was a little mesmerizing. “You have a place to go? Pretty sure girlfriend is out of the question” I crossed my arms again trying to avoid his soul crushing stare. “Not my girlfriend, I said a woman, not my woman” he leaned back lightly on the counter not moving to leave and completely ignoring the actual question. “I have some spare sheets, couch is fine to sleep on but you will feel like your back snapped in half by the morning, my bedroom is off limits and the bathroom is right there” I pointed to the door to the right of my bedroom before quickly scurrying to pull out a pillow and some sheets for him. I didn’t feel like asking again fearing he might feel unwelcome even if he has nowhere else to go. 

This time the surprise in my living room was less shocking and more endearing, Alexis was already asleep curled up on the couch draped in the same blanket he had used to cover up earlier. I placed the bedding on an armchair next to the couch and went about my own nighttime routine as usual, picking some clothes from my bedroom this time for myself and jumping in the shower to wash off all the grime from the previous 24 hours. The water felt amazing until it got cold and that was my que to step out. Whilst brushing my teeth and finishing up I kept thinking about the man sleeping on my couch, he seemed strange but I didn’t feel fear as I usually would having a stranger in my home. I guess figuring him out will have to wait until tomorrow because all I could think about was getting some sleep myself. I stepped out to check on Alexis one more time to find him now stretched out, legs draped over the side of the small couch and soft snores coming from him. Nothing to scare me away from stroking a hand through his slightly messy hair, only when he leaned into my touch did I flinch away not expecting it and slinked back into my bedroom, closing the door behind me. The moment my head hit the pillow everything started going dark and I was off to dreamland.

[asparklethatisblue]

30 isn't even close to 'mid-life' put that crisis back where it came from or so help me

(/lh, but seriously: everyone has their own fears about aging and I don't know what yours are but I can tell you a couple things that helped me when I was freaking out about the same thing: 1) Most people don't know who they are until long after their 20s, and the longer you live the more 'you' you discover. Going by that logic, you've barely scratched the surface. 2) My mom once told me that she's grateful for every birthday she gets because some of the ppl she loved will never get another one, and she has to enjoy it for them too. And finally, if all else fails: 3) The people profiting off your fear of aging are literally the worst people in existence. Loving yourself no matter what age you are or how you look normalizes that value and in turn makes them lose money. That's two wins: you feel better and rich people lose money. Sorry for the rambling in your inbox, hope any part of this might have been helpful and that you have an amazing birthday when it comes.)

thanks Anon. It’s not “aging” I fear, but the years I’ve already spent doing nothing to chase my dreams (i don’t know how, if someone pointed the way…) and the fact that I seem to be getting worse at making friends, or at least making friends I can see when I want to. Birthdays in general are hard for me cause I always expect… something. And then end up having a horrid mood crash and depression cause I’m hit with how my parents spent most of my life not caring for me as a person with a personality. And that my grandpa doesn’t remember or recognise me. And that my life is fine objectively, and it’s just my inability to process certain chemicals in my god damn brain that makes me ungrateful and unable to appreciate the positives and focus absurdly hard on the negatives. And that I have nothing to complain about cause I’m lucky to have what I have

so itms more like… “Birthday” is something I get excited for and then end up having as an explosion of every negative emotion and fear I had bottled up in the past year. i’m fine with being 30, I’m not fine with depression and also not being able to convince doctors to give me medication I have been prescribed before and still need just cause of bureaucracy

[jazzy-art-time]

I didn’t post about it on my mod blog because I didn’t want to dampen the spirits that everyone else was having but I’ll mention things.. briefly here before the year ends.

If you just follow me for art then you prolly wont know what I’m sayin!! Carry on soldier. I will post more art again soon, it’s just time for me to post a long text post that prolly 90% of the people here wont know wtf I’m on about!!

Putting under the cut to avoid long post/put that negative crap under wraps

This year was horrid for me. In many ways but.

The entire thing with the stalker/doxxer went.. a lot deeper than people realize it was. That’s due to me just not mentioning what happened directly but It wasn’t just hate and harassment and doxxing it was..

Abhorrent. I’ll spare the nitty gritty details, to be Frank idk what good it would do to mention it all.

But even so, I was not the best person this year due to this.

I became irrational and paranoid. I left places suddenly without a word (or was being told to and did so out of fear). I stopped talking to a lot of people and became more of a concept than a person to many. Got snappy and bitter a lot of the time as well. Just overall became afraid of everyone and didn’t trust anyone at all and it made me someone I didn’t want to be.

Regardless of the situation I was going through, I shouldn’t have acted in a lot of ways I did. I can play the “I was being abused so wehh it’s ok how I acted” card all I want but the reality is.. it wasn’t really cool of me. I’m a grown adult, I’ll own up to that.

And I know I caused a lot of people worry by my sudden disappearances or mood changes. I was too focused on trying to protect myself and those I cared about that I became a bit?? Of a prick. And honestly I feel like I caused more damaged trying to “protect” other people from the situation. Irony is a cruel mistress.

I let someone else get too much control over me and my actions and let them use my own mental illness against me and make me somewhat nasty.

But it wasn’t right of me, no matter the circumstance.

But it’s all over now! All over now… for now anyways. But I still have to look at the mess left in the wake of everything and try to reassemble what I can.

So, if you were someone who was effected by my irrational and erratic behavior.. I do apologize. Idk what real “good” me saying that does.. but I don’t want to just not say anything at all.

I’m not saying all this as a like NYEHEHE IVE APOLOGIZED AND NOW I EXPECT EVERYTHING TO RETURN TO NORMAL that’s not what’s happening trust me lol. This is just my own guilt welling up a bit and me chucking it out into the world for the time being

I’ve been drafting and deleting a post like this all week because I didn’t want to go into a new year just brushing everything aside. But kept wondering what good it would even do or who would even give a shit.

But. Here is this post! It exists, for now! Who knows I may wake up tomorrow and go WTF NO and delete outta paranoia. Idk!

All in all…

I’m going to spend 2024 trying to rebuild myself. I haven’t been.. myself in nearly 2 years due to everything (and IRL circumstances as well that I won’t get into).

I have a better support now. So that helps me and has been helping me get better again. Not just in recovery and help with legal things but like. Just emotionally keeping me in check lmao

So I hope in 2024, things will be better. If not for me, then for others at the very least.

I know this post was long and negative and repetitive, but if I spend too long revising it I’ll just delete it again.

Idk if anyone will actually read this but??? Shrugs. Oh well. If anything I’m being selfish and just posting this for my own personal “”closure”” if you will

Happy new years, see you all around.

[katchleeifyoucan]

Hiiiiiiii

Taking the golden opportunity to say while anons are off that I love your blog and thank you so much for being such an amazing presence in the community ❤️❤️

On a side and completely unrelated note, I’ve been in a horrid Lee mood all day and I would thoroughly love if you teased and tickled the crap out of me because I would love it if you were a mean kat today 😍🙈

aww thank you so much!! thanks for being here!

a horrid lee mood huh? well i’m sorry to hear that. unfortunately there is that pesky matter of distance that prevents me from lering for you. but perhaps imagining my hands all over your most sensitive spots will help make that mood better. or worse 😘

[rleonard9]

(the beginning of their relationship)(if we’re going anxious mess, curvier, and thunder thighs)(which i love, because that js ups my projection-)

els is having a horrid day.

she originally woke up in a good, dare i say great mood. she was feeling confident, which if we’re being honest, is pretty rare for her atm.

so she puts on the hottest outfit know to man-kind to go to her intro to psych class. and as she’s walking there, she’s texting drew, about how “we should go somewhere tonight, i’ve already got an outfit ready😊” and he’s like “of course els! what time?” and they have a whole date planned.

until she sits down in the class.

“oh my god, what is she wearing?” “i don’t know how fortescue thinks whatever the hell you wanna call her, is hot?” “id cry if my girl thought she could walk around like that.”

day. ruined.

els is immediately texting drew again “i’m sorry baby, he js assigned some long project, i wanna get started on it tonight.” “okay! i’ll bring dinner over?” “NO-no that’s okay. i’ll grab something for myself later, think i’ll jsut have a night in by myself.”

and drew knows something is up, because every ounce of confidence that had been priorly conveyed over text, is suddenly gone.

the class ends, and els goes (stumbles) back to her dorm, in tears. she’s barely holding her sobs, and when she finally closes her door, she jsut breaks.

but suddenly she feels arms around her.

“hey pretty girl, you gotta breath for me. i really don’t want you to make yourself sick sweetheart, please breath with me.”

“i-I CANT”

and drew js shoves her head against his chest, because he thinks he vaguely remembers her saying something about heartbeats claiming her down.

“breath in and out with me sweet girl, cmon els, you got it.”

a few minutes go by, and she’s finally calm. she instinctively crosses her arms over her chest, trying to make herself smaller than the comments that hurt her.

and of course drew catches it. he’s like an els dictionary, with the way he practically studied her for weeks before finally getting the courage to ask her out.

“els… did someone say something?” and els freezes. because how does he know? did they tell him? tell him that she shouldn’t have worn what she did?

“els, baby, you are beautiful. and i will spend as long as you need me to telling you that, until one day, you hopefully believe it too.”

-🫂

(we are going anxious mess, curvy girl and thunder thigh bestie)

SWEET GIRL 😩 god

and she also calms down too when his hand is rubbing on her cheeks as well 🤭

SO SOFT OMG I NEED MORE