#because I’m going to keep posting my stuff for me.
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There are actually lots of people who sell stuff successfully on here, usually drop ship stuff.
They’re just not disclosing it as ads, which they are supposed to do, and instead it's marketed in a very Tumblr-esque way which can be summed up as “omg guys look how CUTE this is” followed by a different account underneath going “omg found it!!” and it links to a drop ship site with the item(s).
And the link usually has an affiliate tracker in it, which you may or may not be able to spot unless you’re familiar with them, which is also something you are legally supposed to disclose.
I used to get a lot of offers from around 2016-2020 to sell “moon lamps” on here, y’know those orb lights that look like a moon? Yeah. I was offered a higher kickback to make it look like I wasnt posting an add because these sellers know Tumblrites don’t like ads.
They wanted it to look as organic and hyped up as possible and then I’d just so happen to be like “omg you guys it's on sale” and post a link. Which is skeevy as shit and also illegal af in the US.
It’s like the insta/tiktok girlies saying “link in bio” to get around saying “here’s a product I make money on if you buy it” because they want to sound like your friend because people are more likely to impulse buy stuff if a “friend” is recommending something.
They’re also trusting that everyone knows “link in bio” means “affiliate link” which is technically not enough of a disclosure but whatever.
This is why I tag all my own book promos with “affiliate links” because depending on which storefront you buy Hunger Pangs from, I may get a kickback from the vender which I do to help mediate the fees I lose from distribution. It’s not much—literal pennies in some cases—but I’m still legally required to state it.
It’s also why when I do post products I use or like, I make a point of letting people know I’m not an affiliate and not sponsored because despite the legal ramifications these people are flirting with by not disclosing their affiliate status, I want to be fully transparent with my followers when it comes to me trying to sell them things.
Y’all keep my lights on by reading my work and through my ko-fi and patreon. I am not about to risk that trust for the sake of some shitty vibrator sales from a sketch-ass drop shipper who wants me to pretend I’m not selling you things.
So, yeah. People do successfully sell stuff on here. A lot of us small indie creators sell our own work all the time.
But there are also drop-ship sellers on here who get enough of a kick-back from affiliate links to make selling cutesy kitsch stuff worth their time on here. They’re just making sure you don’t know you’re being marketed to.
It never fails to amuse me when I get “hello influencer” emails wanting me to push questionable products to my followers.
Like worstie, I can barely promote my own published book without wanting to curl up and die.
The fuck makes you think I’ll shill your discount wish shit?
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your hand in my pocket to keep us both warm
post 8x08 because i'm SAD in a way that can only be eased with buddie hurt/comfort 💔 title from abstract (psychopomp) by hozier
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Buck is the one to drive him to the airport because who else would it be?
It feels a lot like deja vu as he approaches the glass doors of Departures but his step only falters for a moment before Eddie’s hand is catching his sleeve at the elbow and leading him through them. It’s further than Abby ever let him get.
Eddie lets him go as far the security line and he almost looks regretful when he turns to face Buck.
Buck would like to think he’s handled this well so far. He’s been supportive, helped Eddie choose his new home, listened to his fears about his parents, reassured him about Christopher, promised to oversee the shipping of the rest of Eddie’s stuff next week. He’s done everything right.
It hasn’t made any of this feel less wrong.
They look at each other now, awkward in a way they never are, until Eddie drops his bag and pulls him into a hug without saying anything.
Maybe because there’s nothing to say. Buck’s heart has been lodged in his throat since he parked the car; he’s not even sure he could say anything if he wanted to.
Eddie’s arms around him are a familiar weight though so Buck allows himself to sink into them. To tuck his chin into the crook of Eddie’s shoulder and to fist his hands in the back of his jacket like if he holds on tight enough he might be able to convince Eddie to stay.
When Eddie does pull back he makes no attempt to leave the circle of Buck’s arms. Instead one of his hands goes to that same spot at the juncture of Buck’s neck – always the same spot – and when his thumb makes contact with the divot in Buck’s throat he seeks out Buck’s gaze.
“Hey,” he murmurs. “Don’t look at me like that.”
“Like what?” Buck croaks, the tell-tale burn behind his eyes becoming more pronounced by the second.
“Like I’m Abby,” Eddie sighs. “Or Ali. Or Tommy. I’m not leaving you, Buck.”
Buck tries to laugh but it comes out too hysterical and Eddie’s hand tightens on his neck.
“I’m leaving,” he allows. “But I’m not leaving you.”
“I don’t know what I’m gonna do without you,” Buck says, the words wobbling in the middle. His hands are still twisted in Eddie’s jacket.
“And you think I do?” Eddie asks with a half-laugh. “Who am I gonna talk to when my folks are driving me crazy? Who am I gonna talk to when I do anything? Besides, you think Chris will accept you not visiting at least once a month?”
Truthfully, Buck has no idea what Chris wants right now but he clings to Eddie’s words anyway.
“Everyone at work is gonna find me insufferable. It was bad enough that last time you weren’t there.”
Eddie laughs again, thumb brushing Buck’s neck seemingly absentmindedly. “No they won’t. And I’ll be on Facetime so much it’ll be like I never left.”
Buck ducks his head but nods anyway, gathering up the courage to say what he wants to say next. “I know you have to go,” he starts, steeling himself as he makes himself meet Eddie’s gaze. “But please don’t go forever.”
Eddie’s expression blanks, his mouth parting over nothing. Buck can only stare back, hoping that just this once it might be different. That he won’t get a, ‘Take care of yourself, Buck,’ and a hand to the cheek before the person in front of him disappears forever.
Eddie doesn’t touch his cheek. Instead he presses their foreheads together hard enough to hurt, hard enough to make Buck’s breath catch and rush out of him on a shaky exhale.
“I won’t. I promise,” Eddie breathes and his hand moves from Buck’s neck to the back of Buck’s head and Buck can’t help wondering for a moment what would happen if he closed the distance between them. If Eddie would kiss him back.
It’s not a thought he’s ever entertained before but he’s thinking it now and it feels…like it makes sense. Like an inevitability.
And what a time to have a realisation like that.
Eddie leans back then and Buck forces himself to unclench his hands, attempting to smooth out the back of Eddie’s jacket with trembling hands.
“You should go,” he says because Eddie won’t.
Eddie nods faintly in agreement and it looks like it takes every ounce of effort for him to take a step back. Buck picks up his bag for him, offers it to him, and tries for a weak smile so Eddie will know it’s okay. That he can go and Buck won’t cause a scene.
“I’ll call you as soon as I get to my parents place.”
Buck nods. “Give Chris a hug for me.”
“I will.”
Eddie starts looking towards the security line again and Buck blurts out, “Tell him I love him.”
Eddie looks back to him, a devastating smile of understanding on his face. “He knows already. But I will.”
Buck nods again and then there’s nothing left to say. Eddie turns to go and Buck does the same because he can’t watch until he’s out of sight. It hurts too much already and he can barely hold his tears back as it is.
He doesn’t need to watch himself get left behind again.
~
He’s just unlocking his car when his phone rings. He doesn’t check who it is as he climbs in, just shoves the phone between his ear and his shoulder as he reaches for his seatbelt.
“Keep me company while I wait for my flight?”
He straightens so quickly the phone almost falls into his lap but he catches it just in time. And he tries to laugh but he thinks it might come out more like a sob. “Keep me company on the drive home?”
“Always,” Eddie says like they’re driving home from work after a long shift.
Buck switches his phone to speaker mode and looks down at the keys in his hand, at the keys to the loft, Maddie’s place and Eddie’s house respectively, considering his options before turning on the ignition.
“So there’s the guy at the gate-“ Eddie starts and Buck lets the sound of his voice wash over him. Allows himself just one singular moment where he closes his eyes and holds his hand to his chest before he pulls himself together and drives out of his space.
Eddie is offering him a play by play of the guy at the gate who’s insisting his luggage is not chirping and Buck gets his breath back enough to make a quip about how that made it through the security scanner.
When he reaches the freeway it takes hardly any thought at all for him to take the exit that’ll get him to the Diaz house fastest.
He’s going home after all.
~
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Okay so I don’t think it’s any surprise that this has been a few days coming. So, let’s just lay out a few new ground rules, yeah?
Things are going to be different in the way I interact with people on here. I’m not going to be rude in how I respond to you all unless you come at me with some whack ass energy first. This means I’m not going to kiss your asses and be overly sweet in my replies. There have been a few times where I’ve been accused of being rude when I replied like a normal person instead of groveling at an anon’s feet for some reason, and that just simply won’t do. I will be responding how I respond to anyone else (matching energies or otherwise), and if you don’t like it? Well, no one is forcing you to be here. Block and/or unfollow. If you try to throw a fit about it? I will make fun of you because that’s weirdo behavior actually.
Generally, just expect some unhinged responses to hate mail because I’m going to assume that you’re not a real person sending stuff in if it’s hate mail. Don’t like? Well, no one is forcing you to be here. Block and/or unfollow. If you try to throw a fit about it? I will make fun of you because that’s weirdo behavior actually.
I’m no longer playing this stupid game that so many people seem intent on playing. You do not own games like matchmaker. That game has been around for DECADES. I’m no longer playing nice with people on here. It’s just automatic blocks and unfollows from now on. I’m curating my online experience, and if you don’t like how I’m doing it? Well, no one is forcing you to be here. Block and/or unfollow. If you try to throw a fit about it? I will make fun of you because that’s weirdo behavior actually.
I’m going to be posting what the fuck I want. No more polls. Too many people vote in them and my interactions are not reflecting the amount of people who vote for these stories. So I’m going to stop asking for what you all want. From here on out, it’s going to be what I want to post. If you send in asks or comments complaining? Well, no one is forcing you to be here. Block and/or unfollow. If you try to throw a fit about it? I will make fun of you because that’s weirdo behavior actually.
I’m not going to force myself to post every day or even every week. I have a full time job, family, friends, other hobbies, etc. that take up my time. I’m not a content machine for people to take advantage of for ten minutes and then move on. I also will not be tolerating comments asking for more of a series. If you don’t have anything to say about what I’ve already posted, and all you post is “Can’t wait for the next part!”? Guarantee you it’ll be months before you see that next part. Now if you include that after commenting about the rest of the chapter? That’s fine. Don’t like it? Well, no one is forcing you to be here. Block and/or unfollow. If you try to throw a fit about it? I will make fun of you because that’s weirdo behavior actually.
It’s sad that i have to set boundaries like this. And it’s even sadder that I know that I’m going to get hateful people yelling at me for setting these boundaries, but here we are. I’m willing to keep trying to interact with fandom, hoping that the people who refuse to learn etiquette and the way things are done in fandom will eventually get bored and leave.
I’ve essentially decided that I will keep posting my stories at my leisure and reblog fics when I read them, but other than that? I’ve got the people I enjoy interacting with, and I’m always open to meeting new people. I’m just tired of feeling policed in everything I do and people being cruel for no reason. This blog is always a safe space for people as long as they can be actual human beings.
If you’re reading this and getting mad or upset about any of the boundaries I’ve just mentioned? Well…🤷🏻♀️
-Liz
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Personal stuff below / delete later
/ okay a lot going on today but I really want to be active . Im sorry I keep saying that just a lot going on , I’m really exhausted irl && it doesn’t help that I set myself unrealistic standards about how I present the blog. Im not like this about anyone else’s blog but my own . && I think most of it has to do with the fact that I have to make all the scars on Oscar’s face myself && then translating that into a graphic is so hard . && in general my art style && creative style is incredibly messy im very insecure about that && I know it’s about the writing tm && believe me I put 110% into that too it’s just that tumblr seems to be so obsessed with it these pretty grain overlay gif effects && other extravagant graphics which may be easier than they seem but for some people that’s just an enigma ! I don’t know the point is I want to focus on my writing && try kick the lack of self esteem because it’s exhausting. Sorry I know people don’t like these kinds of posts on main
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I feel like there’s some meaningful stuff here about Sara and August’s relationship, so I wanted to reblog and lift those up here! Sara has traditionally been unfairly slammed by the fandom, even though her actions were meaningfully different from August’s in season 2. And a lot of times saraugust is held up as this ontologically evil foil to wilmon, even though both pairings juxtapose the capacity to be sweet and loving with some pretty intense teenage flaws.
Personally, while I understand why they happen, I’ve always been a little wary of discussions of “is Sara a bad person/is August a bad person.” I understand why this framing works for some fans, but it doesn’t work for me. Mostly because a while back, Omar was talking in an interview, and he talked about Lisa’s writing philosophy being that there aren’t good and bad people in her stories, there are people in her stories who are capable of good and bad actions. Now, authorial intent can only go so far, I get that. But I do think this is a theme that underpins the series. I think they did a great job of showing Sara’s complexity and growth over the season. I do think there were some fumbles to August’s writing in season 3 that led a portion of the audience to believe he never changed, ever, over the course of the series. I think the show would have benefitted from him and Simon having a chance to do restorative work outside of their relationships with Wille. At the same time, I don’t think season 3 was without growth for August. @sflow-er’s post on the Fleabag parallel does a great job of breaking down August’s arc. I’m not saying any of this negates the harm August does—far from it—but I do think the show is inviting us to envision a better future for August where he grows and changes, especially in our fanworks.
And that’s what I want to talk about in this reblog: fanworks. It’s been a long time since people were acknowledging the saraugust nuance in season 2, and ultimately how fascinating the pairing is, but there’s still only 96 fics tagged Sara/August on AO3 and only a few are actually about them.
I think, what I’m sad about most when it comes to Young Royals fandom, is that there is no fanworks community around Sara and August the way there is for wilmon, at least on tumblr. There are individual people who are interested in their dynamic, and some of them create fanworks from time to time, and some of us reach out to one another and have meaningful and wonderful one-on-one conversations in our inboxes. But there’s very few reblog chains about them where people are just expressing fun headcanons, there’s very little circulating fanart, there’s some gifsets and edits but they don’t circulate as frequently, no fandom events or challenges themed around them, no following and cheering on of Malte and Frida’s careers, (to my knowledge) no epic multichapter saraugust fics we discuss together and swoon over and make starry eyes over.
To be clear: I don’t think I’d ever expect saragust to have the same size of following wilmon does. There are many factors that make wilmon more popular, first and foremost being that August does real legitimate harm and is annoying and kind of sucks. Like, hey! I get it! Not everyone is going to like him, and that’s perfectly okay. And then there’s the fact that not everyone who’s drawn to an m/m show is going to feel excited to ship a f/m pairing. As @crownedwille points out, fandoms sure can do some stuff when female characters are involved. Of course saraugust will get smaller numbers.
But as someone who’s been tracking the saraugust breadcrumbs in fandom for a while, and has been following their tag on AO3, what I’m noticing is not exactly a natural absence of interest in the pairing. It’s more like I see a lot of people who have an interest in the characters and the dynamics, but something about the way YR fandom interacts socially reinforces the notion that you keep your saraugust feelings to yourself. Or, for a while if you were expressing those feelings, you were encouraged to express them in ways that are full of apologies and disclaimers. When you’re spending all your time doing that, it becomes a lot harder to create fanworks. Like, even in the tags of this post, I see a lot of people saying they liked them or found them interesting or cute or they’re hooked in by the drama or whatever else! Clearly the enjoyers exist and are out there. I think the discourse (and the harassment of actors/writers/creative team on social media) has died down a lot since the finale and there’s more space to like the characters, but I also think that some of the patterns of fandom interaction that sprung up post-S2 have had a continued impact on how people express themselves.
And yes, it’s important to be mindful of the morally dubious sides of this pairing, but we can do that while creating space for people to openly enjoy it through fic and headcanons and edits and such the way that many people in the fandom openly enjoy wilmon, even if it’s a smaller group of us. (Heck, some people enjoy saraugust because of the moral dubiousness and that is part of a Valid Fandom Tradition of enjoying morally dubious pairings.)
As someone who’s currently feeling a little burned out on wilmon by itself and doesn’t really have a desire to read works centered on them, but who’s still in love with the broader YR world and its characters, especially my two favorite characters—I am desperate for a little bit less saraugust discourse and a little bit more joyous fannishness about them. I’m not entirely sure how to make that happen. I’ve been writing fic, blogging about the characters, creating ask games, posting pictures of the plushies, and also doing some other stuff behind the scenes. But I often don’t post or reblog as much as I could for fear of discourse returning, and I feel disconnected from fandom most of the time, even though I have some strong individual ties to individual people. (I also feel like I may have burned some bridges at times when I was upset.) It’s a bit of a sisyphean conundrum, isn’t it? I wish I could wave a magic wand and make more fanworks and community happen around this pairing in particular, but also around other pairings and characters on the show for the fans who want those other pairings and characters. I just wish there was a little more variety in the characters and pairings talked about.
Anyway, I don’t have any answers and it’s time for me to acquire groceries for the week, so. Blue out.
There's so much discourse around Sara and August. Whether they were good together or not. Whether they loved each other or not.
What we tend to overlook is the fact that they talked to each other. Enough that they knew each other.
He wanted someone to talk to and he thought about her. So he went to find her and he knew to find her in the stables. Then he immediately proved to her that he was someone "safe" by petting her horse. She misunderstood his invitation that evening but he didn't make her feel bad about it. We know she talked to him about the Felice Horse Selling Thing™️ because when she comes to say that Felice was officially selling the horse, he just said "I thought you already knew that" because she had already told him.
Sara talked to August. The same why August talked to Sara. He opened up about the drugs and why he used them. He opened up about being Wilhelm's back up. He opened up about his guilt and about feeling like a horrible person.
She talked to him about her horse and about Felice. Two things that she considers the most important in her life. She also opens up to him about wanting to fit in. Wanting to "be like him" meaning that she wanted to be like the Hillerska crowd.
They talked to each other.
So like, yes, they did horrible things. They are bad people. But they aren’t incapable of caring. And they aren't entirely self centered. That's what makes their individual betrayals even more heartbreaking. Because we know they're capable of caring and they made the choices they did anyway.
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Hi I’m super stuck on the “Nicknames/Wilderness” prompt for Day 1 of Lost Trio Week, and for various reasons I only have a week to write something. If you could be so kind as to drop a few hcs/thoughts that might get me inspired to write, that would be very much appreciated! (The writer’s block is real)
Laughing a little bit because that’s the prompt I’m also stuck on
I will share headcanons, too, but a general gentle reminder: if it’s too much or you’re not feeling a certain prompt, you can absolutely participate in lost trio week without participating in every single day. Also not sure how you’re doing it, but personally, I’m not writing these in order. I started with Day Four because that was the one I felt most inspired to work on
That being said:
-If we’re talking Wilderness as in Wilderness School, Leo and Piper clicked the moment they met. I’m not sure what it was, exactly—maybe he made a stupid joke and she was the only one that laughed. Maybe she caught him trying to play a prank on someone and wanted in on it. Whatever it was, they’ve been inseparable ever since. It could be interesting to explore some of those memories, or how they looked like with Jason added, or maybe what it would have been like if Jason had actually ended up at the school with them somehow.
-When it comes to Wilderness as more of a general concept, one of the specific silly things my brain just went to was camping trip. Piper has little to no skills when it comes to that stuff. She’s lived in mansions and had private chefs for most of her childhood. The closest she’s ever come to camping has been missions and the time her and her dad camped in the yard of her grandpa’s old home when she was ten, but that wasn’t real camping. Jason has lived in the woods before when he was very little and probably has skills based on that and some stuff he picked up from survival classes in that context, but living with wolves is very different from regular camping and if he’s ever had to apply his theoretical Camp knowledge, he cannot remember it. Leo has the most practical skills when it comes to sleeping outside but he was just kind of making shit up as he went and didn’t really have equipment. —This is all to say they take like an hour failing to set up a tent. Leo has never been more frustrated in his life because he rebuilt a celestial bronze dragon from scratch but is somehow being foiled by a tent instruction manual. Jason keeps bringing up that sleeping under the stars at age three wasn’t that bad. Piper goes from frustrated to laughing hysterically because this being the thing they fail at after every ridiculous impossible task they’ve mastered is objectively hilarious. The whole trip is a disaster for a variety of reasons but I feel like they end up having a great time
-I’m not very good with Nicknames (neither as a prompt nor as a general concept honestly, I’m not really someone who gives people nicknames a lot), but one of the things that comes to mind there could be these changing over the years? Leo and Piper go from strangers to friends and use nicknames for each other for the first time, and it means something, because Leo’s not stuck around another person for long enough to come up with a nickname in years. Jason getting a nickname from Piper and Leo and not really being sure why it feels as strange as it does since he doesn’t have his memories—Reyna doesn’t feel like she’s the type of person to really use nicknames, and since everyone at Camp Jupiter saw him as a leader, I don’t feel like they’d casually call him by some nickname either. Jason hearing that nickname and it being meaningful because for the first time in ages he feels like a kid instead of a leader. Jason getting to use a nickname for Leo and/or Piper for the first time and it feeling significant for the same reason. Jason and Piper post-breakup trying to figure out what to call each other now because they’re objectively better as friends but it’s still weird and new and everything is different and it’s too strange to keep using the same nicknames they did when they were dating.
Hope some of this was helpful!! Please feel free to use however much or little of it as you’d like! Writing this out actually helped me massively because it made me realize I’m a massive idiot and do have a concept I want to use for this prompt (not any of the above ones so again please feel free to grab them if you’d like!) so thank you for that haha
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https://www.tumblr.com/lunar-years/764543744379944960/i-miss-my-mom-so-deeply-all-day-i-just-collect?source=share
I know this will be hard to hear, maybe not kind of me to send, but all your posts about your mom's passing and your grief... I keep feeling like I need to tell you that you are so lucky to feel this way. You're so lucky to have loved your mother and that she loved you. My mother is also dead, she died by suicide when I was a teen and before that she was very abusive to me. She had post party after my birth and it has been confirmed to me by multiple people - not doing it cruelly - that she never loved me. I would not say I loved her either. I have no good memories of her. You are so, so, so lucky in your heartfelt loving grief.
I’m very sorry that you’ve been through that and you did not have a good relationship with your mom. That must be very very hard. Sending you love and wishing you peace.
edited: I'm back because I'm realizing I actually found this ask upsetting. I very much realize how lucky I am to have loved and been loved by my mom. There hasn't been a moment where I didn't think she and her love for me were anything but fucking exceptional. And I DO appreciate that everyone is not lucky enough to have that, very much so. Forgive me, however, if I do think watching her slowly die over three years from rare fucking cancer that gradually stripped her of dignity, joy, and wellbeing, nor my grief at losing her too soon, is "lucky." Especially not when it's been less than a week since she died.
I do think/hope you were well meaning here, but since you've stated you were thinking "hey this will be hard for this grieving person to hear AND maybe it's not kind of me to send this"...maybe you could have...just not sent it! Because it really wasn't helpful at all on the day I put my favorite person in the ground.
#like. the more I think about it the more I think this was kind of a fucked up thing to send me….#i realize people have complicated relationships to grief and that other peoples grief can be very triggering btw!#that is why i have been and will continue to tag all my mom related posts#with: tw grief#if you do not want to see more of those posts I advise you to blacklist that tag or just unfollow me tbh#because I’m going to keep posting my stuff for me.#tw grief#tw abuse#tw suicide#tw death
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Firefox-official vs electronicmail
Hydrogen bomb vs coughing baby
okay come up with a better idea then. firefox-official is gone asshole it’s electronicmail or nothing
#this one was hard to respond to because it elicited the usual anon rage in me#but i had to think about it anyway.#this blog has been around for less than a month and it is driving me fucking crazy#don’t you think i know?#dont you think it hurts enough already#i dont want this blog either i want my old blog back with all my stuff on it#i would like to stick around#because i loved posting#and i get that you’re just having fun#but i’m making an example of you#less than a month vs five years#‘household name’ firefox official#spent five years building that thing#and now it’s just this.#i keep forgetting#and then i’m here again#not home#i know you all feel bad enough for me already#but it’s so hard to be myself because the environment on here is SO different#we were HAPPY#WE WERE SO HAPPY#Umm… Or whatever.#guess i could go back to firefox unofficial#but that feels far too close to the sun. and i’m done with the wings i think.#i dont mean to be so serious#a total mood killer i know#i just dont know how to proceed exactly#because when i post like normal i cant help but feel sad#and when i post about being sad its just sort of obnoxious#i’m not really asking for pity i just want to explain where i am at
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(whispers) hey friends I appreciate your excitement but gentle reminder it’s not very polite to ask fanfic writers when the next chapter is gunna come out
#remember friends: fanfic writers do this for fun when they have enough down time and wanna write#I’m an adult with a lot of adult responsibilities going on!!#again I appreciate your enthusiasm but ur just gunna have to trust me#ESPECIALLY since I sort of have a posting schedule#gentle reminder that fic writers shouldn’t need a schedule ever#I just have one because it keeps me on my toes#and that’s just a personal preference#but even then it’s just sort of a rough guideline— sometimes life stuff happens!!#and remember!!! a chapter that takes time will always be better than a rushed one#sorry to pop off but ya girl has had. A Week.#I’m not mad just a little tired#probably gunna delete tomorrow#but for now g’d night#pastel prattling
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Hey. Sorry about the inactivity, but pretty sure no one cared that much anyways lol. Been a looooong time since I kept that distant from Tumblr…at least now I know I’m able to survive without checking posts every day/being chronically online! I’ve got an intense love-hate relationship with this lifestyle I’ve dug myself into. Think I’m getting a little bit better with the balance even if school isn’t really giving me an option. Got a load of work I need to keep catching up on if I don’t want to disappoint my professors. We’ll survive somehow. Here take a quick batch of Puzzle doodles k bye
#the hell am I so anxious about? maybe it’s just overstimulation stuff#hoping it’ll die down because I can’t keep enjoying myself when I’m like this#seriously is starting to mess with my flight responses over the tiniest things#like yea obviously I needed to stay logged out of Tumblr so I would focus more on schoolwork#but uhhhh gonna be transparent and say a huge part of it is the jolts of anxiety :(#like even the thought of logging back here has caused me to feel like sweating#my brain kept saying ‘no I don’t want to I can’t do that’ even when I felt bad for missing out on others posts#like I want to be here so I can support my mutuals dammit!!!#I’m a mess. I’m such a broken mess oh great lovely spectacular#maybe the culminating stress of final exam deadlines is worsening stuff as well#I can’t tell you why I’m like this I just am 🙃#anyways thinking I’ll start adapting to the distance. Sorry but being a shut-in is more appealing right now#I just need time to be with myself and not be so invested in the lives of others#anyways what’s something mildly positive I can wrap this up with so I don’t seem pathetic….#ah yes the final Puzzle sketch here was drawn today before a class period#one of my fellow classmates noticed and audibly asked me ‘is that Mr. Puzzles?’#IT TOOK EVERTHING IN MY WILLPOWER TO NOT LET OUT A GIDDY SHRIEK#Felt like my eyes bulged and I jolted in enthusiasm jskjsksp spontaneous happiness?? actally experiencing the feeling of fitting in??#anyways I responded with a very normal ‘WAIT YOU KNOW ABOUT HIM???’ while trying to suppress grinning or going ‘teehee’#anyways now it’s my personal mission to keep initiating conversations with her because AUUUUUGH SHE KNOWS WHO HE IS I’M LOSING IT#proceeded to talk about Murder Drones & TADC like holy SHIT I didn’t think I would ever find animation peeps in my psychology class auuu 😭💜#it’s a MIRACLE man this may be a sign that college won’t be isolating anymore yaaaaayyy#PUZZLE IS SINGLE HANDILY HELPING ME TALK TO PEOPLE BOTH ONLINE AND IRL THIS IS WILD#all hail the best comfort character seriously holy shit—like imagine she never noticed me drawing Puzzles!! I’D STILL BE LONELY AS HELL#okay sorry I’ll stop typing like a teenager and go back to pretending to be well-versed in speech & conducting myself ‘normally’ :3#doodles#sketches#not tagging with Puzzles because hahaaaaa don’t look at me
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Why are you tagging posts with dates from last year? Did you queue them last year?
… I did.
#Posting gives me apprehension. It's the anxiety of being perceived…#That's why even in the rare occasions I'm making a post to be posted immediately I usually still schedule it to like. Ten or fifteen or–#thirty minutes later#Just so that I don’t have to hit post lol#But yeah I usually simply draft posts and once in a while go dig down for posts from one year ago or so.#Ask me how long does it take me to dive through my ~17 800 drafts of posts (a lot) (90% of them are reblogs of course)#There’s also the fact that I want to reread the posts I’ve made some time after I’ve made them–#so that my brain is rewinded enough to notice any typos#(sometimes I end up rewriting the posts from scratch though so it doesn’t always work.#Other times I’ve reread the posts so many times I’ve memorized the sentences in them and will not notice typos because of that.)#Also sometimes I’m like “something something Akutagawa's bandaids”#or “something something compilation of Akutagawa looking at Atsushi in official art”#which is something I don’t have time to do on the moment and will leave for later#(and occasionally it happens I will never get to it at all. You have no idea how many posts in my queue are just like#“analysis on []” “compilation of []” “[edit concept]” dating as far back as three years ago#which I *should* get to elaborate eventually but eh… Not right now I suppose#On that there' literally a valley of at least 200 discarded posts in my queue “I will get to eventually”#And that's on top of the my original posts that don't make it past the drafts.#Mostly random and spontaneous thoughts that lose value after a day#I'm my own filter lol#people asks me stuff#It's also important to keep track of the date because there's takes I've completely moved on from–#but that I still find it relevant to be posted
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Not to sound like a sore loser but I feel art doesn’t always need to improve or have steady permanent growth. Especially if you are a hobbyist and have no desire to pursue it professionally. It can be more satisfying to constantly be improving but. To be fair. Sometimes you are at a level where you are fine where you at. You have the skills to draw what you want. And sometimes there’s no more drive than that. Or sometimes a lack of growth is because you don’t have time to put love into your hobby because you gotta pay bills. Or hell even disability’s both physical and mental can be a huge road block to get growth that some would say is required with the amount of time you put in it. Anyways yeah. Sorry.
#this is more for myself and the constant guilt I feel#but also my hands hurt all the time. my body will hurt all the time.#and if I constantly choose to draw instead of putting effort into my social life I would kill myself#like. emotionally I would not be well#anyways.#I keep seeing stuff and with my personal art journey I feel I’m actually doing worse than I was as a teenager#I think I have actually declined in quality. my sketches and anatomy may be better but I can’t do more than a sketch#and the time to actually finish a peice is way more than as a teen finishing a peice#a part of this. was because my health problems weren’t as bad and also I had no job#but now. it’s. no good.#and I keep seeing posts and discourse going ‘omg the person hasn’t improved in years lolll’ and that just. makes me feel ínstense guilt#which is shouldn’t!! art isn’t my job. I don’t need to worry about it.#but also it does bother me my art is stagnant#And also o haven’t really done more than like three finished peices a year Vs when I was in highschool trying to get into art school. I had-#-done over 100 finished pieces in like two years and some of it was way better than the stuff I do now#the thing vents#sowwy I have guilt and issues with this
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(vent in the tags and under the cut. don’t read if you don’t want.)
sometimes i wonder if people would care if i was gone. there’s just no point anymore tbh.
#tw sui ideation#its honestly just been going through my head for a while#the past two weeks my parents haven’t talked about anything besides my brother#i kinda just feel like i’ve been forgotten in a way#i just feel lonely i guess#and i hate it#it’s just one of those days where i feel lethargic and just numb frankly#and i’m tying to keep posting because it’s not fair that others who don’t give a shit have to read my vents#but i just can’t do this anymore#i’m going through a lot rn#between yesterday and my dog being sick and school starting and my grandma getting surgery and having to move in with my family#it’s all just a lot rn#and sometimes i just think about it and i just hate it#i hate having dark thoughts like this#i’ve been my only therapist because i can’t talk to my parents#i can’t talk to them about this stuff or they’ll just give me the “you can be sad but you can’t pack up and live there” bullshit#I DIDNT FUCKING ASK FOR THIS#that pisses me off so bad#i didn’t fucking ask to have suicidal thoughts?#sometimes i’ll just choke myself with my dog’s leash as a form of punishment because it just makes me feel good#atp i don’t care if i go too far because it’s not worth it anymore#it just doesn’t feel like life’s worth living#there’s nothing to enjoy or look forward to atp#i just need a friend#i’m so tired of being there for people and then having to turn back to myself when i have an issue because im too cowardly to open up#i’m scared#i don’t have it bad like i don’t know why i feel like this#i have a good life#i’m just being a brat#i dunno
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Monday blues are hitting me hard today
#you can ignore this if you want cause im gonna talk a lot of shit and sads and feelings#but as i’ve realised i literally have no one to empty my heart out to irl#and it’s fucking heartbreaking cause i love my friends but I don’t think they love me back#which is an insane though but I genuinely think it’s true like#i moved away 4 ish months ago and i know that communication comes from both side but like i wanted to test smt#so i stopped texting first and guess what?? only 2 friends texted me#1 because she’s genuinely a good friend i think and the other because she needed money (which i gave her like a fucking fool)#my heart just hurts cause i realised i’m not as important to them as they are to me and I’m completely misreading our relationship and#it sucks because I thought they were going to be my friends for life but now they’re all posting recaps of 2023 and im in none of their pics#even in pics where i was present at the time#and i dont know if it’s intentional or if im just being an insecure little bitch but it fucking hurts#i just want to be important to someone#i want to be someone’s person#not a last resort like#they keep doing stuff together which i get like life moves on and i’m the one that left#but not a single text or a pic or a ‘we miss you!’#not even a fucking heart on insta stories#am i being desperate?? or do I actually have shitty friends#like i have impostor syndrome in my own fucking friendgroup???#I can’t just drop them either cause then I’ll actually have no one#idk i must exude some sort of energy#i dont think ive ever had a genuine good best friend like for some reason they leave after 3 years#(and this is why i have trust issues and attachment disorders)#anyway I’ll probably just suck it up and go about my day#ive lived 24 years like this what’s an entire life#it’s wild cause i have a good time whenever i’m with them (i think) and then i leave and it’s crickets#i feel like hired entertainment sometimes#idk my head hurts so I’m probably overthinking but like these feelings come from somewhere right?#i have to stop
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I wanna post something from WIP Wednesday from the current chapter I’m working on, but it’s kind of spoilers for Chapter 8
If I post it, do you promise you’ll still pretend to be surprised when the big reveal happens in Chapter 8? ;-;
#not writing#the redemption and subsequent death of bill cipher#trasdobc#I’m less pressed about posting it here because only a handful of you all are reading it#so like it’s only maybe ten or so of you who will be spoiled for it#(some of you whose reactions I’m VERY excited to see once the reveal drops)#(know that you can be a writer’s favorite readers too if you go apeshit in the tags/comments/replies)#legit tho I post this stuff and sit here twirling my hair waiting for some of you to read it#you know who you are#or maybe you don’t but know that I love you anyway#y’all are low key what’s keeping me going from this shit week#I’m like writing because it’s helping but also writing because I NEED you all to see what I’ve been working so hard on
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Just got called entitled bc sometime I put my name on my groceries before I put them in my fridge… ah
#thank u for that father of mine#he said this to my mother not to me#but also#no one is stopping you from putting your name on groceries that you buy for yourself#sorry that when I buy a $15 block of artisan cheese I don’t want to share it with 6 other people#and I make that known to them#his specific comment was about how#everyone is so entitled putting their names on their groceries but they can all help themselves to mine whenever#which#okay#I’m the only person with their name on anything in the fridge#and again this is because I buy specialty juices or cheese that isn’t in our normal grocery roster#and his groceries are for making dinner with usually#not to mention I make dinner on Thursday for my whole family and half of my groceries are for that#anything I need that we don’t typically get when my mom goes to the store is something I go purchase#any produce or leftover food from what I make for dinner is up for grabs#but my cheeses and juice r mine#so to prevent them from being taken my name is there#if u don’t want things you buy to get taken this seems like fair practice#no one is stopping u from doing the same thing I do so your stuff doesn’t get eaten#bc again there’s 7 people who live here and it’s hard to keep track of who buys what#so obviously my name is on things for me#sorry for ranting on a Tumblr post that’s just stupid#sorry you decided to have a family and now have to provide for them as a result#I am 23 and I pay rent and I (none of ur other kids) go out of my way to cook for everyone every Thursday#and I do dishes and clean the kitchen before and after and whenever I have time during the week#but no I’m super entitled bc sometimes I want to be the only one who eats the artisan olives I bought for myself
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