#because I was constantly being told that like normal healthy things that I had seen other families doing were actually performative

[theloserarmy]

I’m realizing the fact that I struggle with some traditional breakfast foods might be related to the time my mom asked me if I would like her to make breakfast in the morning like my friends mom did and I was honest (at the time I was drinking a can of Diet Coke for breakfast every morning) and she screamed at me because I was ungrateful and didn’t understand how hard she worked. At the time I was also packing my own lunches for school, and packing her lunches, and she was a teacher at the school I was going to at the time so we rode together so I had to be ready at the same time as her.

[real-total-drama-takes]

chase sucks, yeah, but honestly he is one of the most complicated guys out there. his dependency on other people to be happy, especially. and honestly, i blame that on both his potential upbringing and, mostly, him being a youtuber. with the reboot being set in 2023 and it being confirmed that he makes an insane amount of money, for simplicities sake i'd say he's about as famous as some like mrbeast(who has. over 200 million subscribers), this wouldn't really matter if not for the fact he's SIXTEEN I'm not going to lie and say people treat famous people normally, because they don't. With how famous he is, I'd assume he's been doing this for a while (again, simplicities sake, I'm saying he started when he was like... 13 making cringey streams but got into the whole beach house thing when he was around 14-15) and with that, he'd be getting a . Lot of attention(especially attention that, given hes a famous youtuber, wouldn't follow any Normal Boundaries you should have when talking to a real person, let alone a highschooler) His treatment of Emma would be heavily based on the near obsessive love he'd get from fans, and like i've said, the lack of boundaries he'd have with said fans. Naming a star(and intending to name Emma) ''Chase's Girlfriend'' is... Weird, but with how people treat famous guys, I'm going to say that's something he picked up from people's fantasies. If he's constantly being told that people want to date him, and name themselves after the fact(something people say to famous people a lot, actually.), he'd naturally assume that's.. just what people want from a relationship. Now, with his parents. I'm going to assume it's similar to Ripper, he had distant and neglectful parents(and found the love he needed through YouTube and the guys in the beach house.) With his only positive attention coming from people who Aren't Normal, he'd just pick up on that being love. If he's not insanely obsessive, he doesn't love them. If someone isn't obsessed with him, they don't love him. Next off, I think he has a personality disorder. Specifically HPD( I have HPD, I'm not diagnosing him with/talking about something I don't know about dw), I've seen people diagnosing him with NPD, but I don't think it fits when considering his relationships with other people. I'm not going to focus on this a lot, but just including that. I don't consider him fundamentally unloveable like a. lot of people in the fandom do. I think that's just stupid. Does he need to learn to respect other people's (and his own) boundaries? Yes. He absolutely does. In a dream world, he stops doing youtube videos. I feel like that's one of the biggest problems for him. Constantly getting obsessive attention, especially if he has no other source of it(from his parents, a partner ectect), is awful for him. He's a teenager being exploited on youtube, of course that isn't good for him. But, if he learns people need boundaries and codependancy isn't a good form of love(and, best case scenario he goes to therapy), I think he can be in a healthy relationship. Hell, I'll even go off on a whim and say that with the right support and a lot of apologies, he could be in a healthy relationship with Emma. I'm gonna leave it off there, I just like overanalysing total drama characters

[bakedbakermom]

Nugget, the Shifting Cast of Extras, and the Unreliable Narrator

One of the biggest twists of season 2 that I completely did not see coming, is that Nugget was dead all along (a rare miss for me, as I'm usually a great plot guesser). All of the scenes with Nugget were seen through Akliah's eyes; we saw only what she saw/believed, and that was a whole, living mousey friend. The minute Taissa, an outside perspective, came to notice Nugget, we all saw the truth: that he was dead, and had always been dead, and his life with Akliah was nothing but a coping mechanism, a dream that allowed her to keep sane as death slowly closed its claws around all of them.

Akilah was not a reliable narrator of her own story. None of them are.

In this context, the constantly rotating, growing, and shrinking cast of extra JV Jackets makes much more sense. Much of the teen storyline is told through the perspectives and memories of the adult survivors, and through the journals that Shauna kept in the wilderness (more reliable having been written in the moment, but still shaped by her limited perspective as well as trauma and hunger).

It makes sense that their memories focus only on those who are important to what is happening at the time, and the others fade into the background or disappear entirely as their relevance diminishes.

They remember what one background extra wore to the Doomcoming, but forget where she was during the Jackie Snackie. They remember who stood at the gravesite by the plane, but not who drew cards during the first hunt.

Gen and Melissa only got screen time this season because one of the survivors remembers their conversations and interactions. Crystal shows up because of her friendship with Misty. Akilah has a bigger part in s2 due to the Nugget plot and her role in Shauna's labor. Mari has a bigger presence in s2 because she's increasingly annoying and antagonistic to the other survivors, as well as chief acolyte of the Cult of Lottie.

Memory is a tricky thing, and memories made during trauma and starvation are trickier still. They simply don't have the brain power right now to accurately encode memories (adult Lottie mentions this, though she neglects to say that a brain that normally consumes A THIRD of the calories you take in understandably doesn't work very well under starvation conditions).

My prediction is that background YJs will come and go based on their relevance to the events happening on screen. It's not a mistake by the show runners or poor planning or an accident; it's all by design.

Not only does this work in-universe as an explanation for backgrounders coming and going, it gives the writers flexibility to bring in edible characters without having to explain why we haven't seen them before; they've always been there, they just didn't matter until now.

(It also serves to explain why, despite being on the brink of death from starvation, the girls still look pretty normal weight. The out-of-universe explanation is that it's morally reprehensible to ask the young cast to drop to a starvation weight and maintain it for the entire run of the show [or yoyo between seasons, which is even more dangerous]. The in-universe explanation is they remember themselves looking normal, so that's what we see. Just like we saw a healthy, living Nugget. Until we didn't. I wonder if we're going to see a "true" view of them through the eyes of the rescue crew that eventually saves them. Much easier to present one good vfx shot of them looking as haggard as they would actually be rather than multiple seasons.)

[stupendousfoxthing]

throwing my theory on what went down at TK Inkigayo:

TK agreed to spend the loooong waiting time together at Inkigayo. It's the only show JK attended where he waited for the awarding part as well, which meant he had to spend the whole day there. Tae never did this during Layover btw. It was perform, pack up and go. JK's consecutive music show appearances where in a similar manner, except for Inkigayo.

I got a feeling they talked about Tae coming over to while away the waiting hours with JK . Tae didn't go with him together, but promised to follow at some point in the day. Tae won't be doing anything from early morning til late so it makes sense that he goes after JK recorded his performance already and he will just join for the waiting period.

JK prepared for his main precorded performance while Tae did his own thing. I have a feeling that Tae was pushing the limits on how he can shorten the time spent there. Not because he doesn't want to spend time with Jungkook but to avoid the mental toll of having to regulate and second guess your actions around many staffs/people. The lesser time they have to do that, the better. I think JK just wanted him to come over and just spend the free time with him.

When Tae still didn't show up by the time JK expected Tae to arrive, I have a strong feeling JK got sulky. Hence the live.. he was bored, got nothing else to do while waiting and the person he was gonna spend that free time with was not yet there. He was constantly mentioning Tae that time and I feel it was his "warning call" to make Tae come over already.

When Tae came, he wasn't surprised but he, instead, welcomed him with the words "What? Where have you been?" And Tae was softly talking and explaining to him what he did during the hours he wasn't there. Tae can be seen appeasing him as well.

What gags me every time is the level of entitlement JK has to call Tae out. This isn't the first time. He has done this maaany times, and the one that stands out to me the most is when Tae was insisting to still join their rehearsals even with his injury in 2022, members and staffs were discouraging him and he kept insisting. Until JK spoke up and told him he shouldn't join.. did Tae try to reason like he did with others advising him? NOPE. He kept quiet and stopped insisting when it was JK who spoke up already. JK has time and time again demonstrated the authority he has over Taehyung. And it's so weird coz firstly, he is younger. Secondly, you're bandmates. Besties at most, but why are you so confident that this person will listen to you? Tae also exercises this level of authority to JK. Tho JK shows this more.

He shows so much sassiness towards Tae because he can and he knows Tae lets him. But, the moment Tae says reaches a level of "enough" and start activating his diva mode to Jungkook, rest assured JK's sass evaporates and he gets so bothered when Tae starts ignoring him. Anyway, my point is.. they both DEMAND from eo. Demands that aren't normal between bros or even bestfriends. They act as if they have a say on some aspects of their lives and they know the other will do something about it.

First of all, thank you for sharing your thoughts with me. This BB has added some interesting context to the whole thing. I'm still curious how they snuck Tae in, but it's obvious from JK's reaction to Tae's arrival that he was expecting him and mayyyybe even expecting him to get there earlier. He was not at all surprised by him being there. I noticed when Tae walked in Jungkook had his phone in hand while he appeared to be taking a bit of a nap, so I wouldn't be surprised if they had been texting. You ever taken a nap with phone in hand waiting for someone to text back? 😂 The whole interaction just screams boyfriends. They really can't hide it. Like, even if you don't believe they are romantically involved their interactions are SO different from every other pair in the group. I think they have a healthy balance with their own lives apart from each other while obviously making as much time to spend together as possible. For them to work and live together all day every day for the better part of a decade, and still spend so much time together that they get pouty when the other has been absent longer than expected... I don't even know what to say about that because that's such a beautiful and rare thing to me.

[cosmicellis]

My homie challanged me with Yuma in Character ask game. The ultimate ADHD child

My first impression of them  -That he was one weird looking boi even by yu-gi-oh standarts. Not to mention, at first he gave me strong “lol randumb” energy

When I think I truly started to like them  -Through the seson progression the antics and very lively attitude kinda got to me. Plus I do dig characters with positive attitude and being a bit... dim XD 

A song that reminds me of them - Fall Out Boy - The Last Of The Real Ones

How many people I ship them with -Canon: Astral, Mist... sometimes Shark -OC... Machi >u>

My favorite ship of them -I like Keyshipping, but I’m weak for Tentacle\lockship even if I can never make it healthy :v I like keyshipping because it feels like had the most development and it feels like these worked out their relationship from hating each other to sacrificing their faces for each other Lockship... Sometimes my inner sadist is whispering: yeee, make everyone suffer in this relationship, dew it

My least favorite ship of them -Skyship. No hate on this ship, nor on Tori, I always had a personal dislike towards “childhood friend” stuff

A quote of them that you remember -Aside from Kattobingu is a very cute “Ye” he did in the manga in a very beggingng, when Tetsuo said :You can also put spells face down

Your favorite outfit of them -His school uniform is a chef kiss

Your least favorite outfit of them -That fancy official one. Not my aesthetic choice...

Describe the character in one sentence -WILD

What’s the first thing you think about when thinking about the character? -Explosive positivity and hunger...FOR everything

Sexuality hc! -Uh I guess Yuma, as a true golden retriver, loves everyone

Your favorite friendship they have -With Shark. Because only Yuma can annoy somebody enough to become friends with them (Manga including)

Best storyline they had -The plot with him going to Astral world was pretty narly

Worst storyline they had -Barrian onslught. I can only take so much of Yuma crying and being sad

A childhood headcanon -He seemed to be pretty normal, until his dad decided to invite him into a cult of Kattobingu

What do you think their first word was? -I say “mom”, cause it feels like she was around him more when he was smaller (You know, work and all)

How do you think they were as a kid? (Like, were they shy, noisy, wild, etc) -I believe he was norm, up until certain point. He would like something, loose interest, get sad, get happy, but then... The key happened (when his dad gave it to him) and he decided to exclude “giving up” out of his vocabulary

The most random ship you've seen people have with them -You can’t surprise me. He was shipped with everyone under the sun

A weird headcanon -Yuma can cook pretty good, he’s just lazy

When do you think they were at their happiest? -I feel like when he reunited with Astral.

When do you think they were at their lowest? -Uh yes, 3 episodes of depression when Astral died

Future headcanon -He will become a Duel champion, but then quit, because of constantly changing meta and the fact that you can’t play your favorite deck forever. Power creeping and exploits would be just an end of fun

What do you think is a secret they have that they never told anyone? -That in the beggning he felt lonely, even with friends around (But then Astral canceled his personal space and Me time)

When do you think they acted the most ooc -Yuma is a wild-child. Whatever he does can be explained with “He felt that way” cause that’s how he operates. He just feels that he had to do it... das it solid logic

When do you think they were being "themselves" the most? -When he was trying to save vector from Don Thousand. Cause he clings to his friends like a gum to hair

If they could meet a character from another show/movie/etc, who would be the most fun for them to meet? -I’ll be boring here and say Yusei

The most unnecessary thing they ever did? -Trusting Vector. I know Yuma trust people like Tokonoske, but with Victor it felt bit much, but that’s my perspective

How do you think they would be as a parent? (and if they are a parent, how do you think they would be if they weren't?) -Probably would try mimicking his dad

The funniest scene they had? -There are too many. But the one I like is where he has conversation with Astral about takoyaki and it perfectly represents how my two last braincells work. Source: https://www.tumblr.com/ask-games-from-a-weird-girl/673569359300640768/character-ask-game

[dark-elf-writes]

You don’t have to if you don’t want to, but I would like to hear about your break up stories, mainly out of morbid curiosity but also cause I have a weird sense of humor and I probably would find it funny (like in a that’s messed up way not a that’s a normal thing)

Have one of my tamer ones as a teaser:

This isn’t technically a breakup because we werent officially together but we were pretty close friends and super physically affectionate and we’re dating in all but words tbh.

My house was the hang out house because my dad was never home and even when he was he was probably drunk and it was very easy to sneak guys in (read: walk through the front door and gaslight this frown man that it was just me what are you talking about) also on some level I don’t think people liked leaving me there alone for obvious reasons.

BUT.

This day it was me and for of my guy friends including that best friend I mentioned in the ambulance story pre the fight (now that I’m thinking about it this could have been the reason for the fight).

So we’re all in my room which is the entire attic. Two of the guys are on the couch, best friend is down stairs making snacks, and I am on my bed with the guy I wasn’t dating but kinda was.

Only I’m someone who can be super fine with physical affection one moment and super not fine with it the next. (My current friends treat me like a cat that has chosen them whenever I decide to give affection. I once asked for a hug and they stared at me for ten seconds before asking what was wrong.) Not BF put his hand on my leg and this was not a touch friendly time so I told him to stop.

He didn’t.

I moved his hand.

He moved it back.

I start getting annoyed. I tell him to stop being a dick and keep his hands to himself.

He says “You know you want it.”

Now at like fifteenish when this story takes place I was deep in the depths of so many untreated mental illnesses including a healthy dose of BPD that meant my reactions to anger aren’t always the best. And i recognize that violence isn’t always the answer now but at the time… look man I didn’t get to see a psychiatrist until after the ambulance episode where they all but forced me too.

I got up. Went to the lamp at the foot of the bed.

One of these mother fuckers but shittier and all black (I was a little emo what can I say) that was missing a few shades because my friends were shitty and broke my shit constantly.

And I picked up that lamp and threw it with all the force in my body directly at that kid and started shrieking at the top of my lungs.

BFF comes up from downstairs. Sees me losing my mind sees the boy who mind you was like six feet tall and built like a brick shithouse. Sees the other two on the couch gaping at me with something between shock and awe because while they all knew I was feral no one had ever seen me actually lose my temper before/be hurled so deep into the middle of a BPD episode so quickly.

BFF says I’m overreacting (I mean yes but also kinda no. Inset a boundary. It was crossed. It was laughed at to my face. I set a different boundary with a lamp) I punched BFF. Finally the other two get with the program and start restraining people. (Mostly me and bff because he was trans and the favorite and I was at the time the only “girl” I’m screaming the whole time telling them to get the fuck out of my house and that no one was allowed to fucking touch me and all sorts of things I don’t remember. Pretty sure I called BFF something for taking the other guy’s side I was pretty hurt about that. Punched the brick chimney at some point in all of this and probably broke my hand idk.

And the rest of the memory is gone because my teen years are not something I remember very clearly tbh.

As a fun small town USA anecdote:

That kid I threw a lamp at? His dad is a lawyer. THE SAME LAWYER THAT WORKED WITH MY PARENTS AND SISTER TO GET SOLE CUSTODY OF MY NEICE LIKE SEVEN YEARS AFTER ALL OF THIS WENT DOWN

Needless to say they never invited me to talk to the lawyer even though I had been one of the people threatened my by sisters baby daddy

[persephoneflouwers]

Hello, I hope you have a good day

Tw: smoking, cancer

So there's a discourse on twitter going about how louis's smoking habit is dangerous and how it can have very damaging side effects uk with having history of cancer in his family. It bugs me how as fans they can't maintain a boundary.. But i am an anxious mess thinking about it.. I've always been regarding this topic. But now it has exceeded.. How do you manage thoughts like this as a doctor? When you constantly come across cases related to smoking and with the whole situation with lou. Like do you have any tips.?

Feel free to not answer this. 😥

Hello 🌸

Oh, this is a very good question. I’m sorry you’re feeling so overwhelmed right now. I think when you know how diseases work, you see things differently. It’s a bit easier to discriminate the cases: how many cigarettes per day? How long have you been smocking? How old are you? Is this an hereditarian case or were there other preventable factors? We are trained to come to diagnosis. You have to know the clinical history, the clinical presentation, side effects or literally anything in order to come to a conclusion. It comes across arrogant to find a diagnosis based on one thing such as smocking. Smocking is bad, of course it is. What else is new? It’s not just about cancer either. Smoke is the risk factor in every other issues (voice, breathing, stamina etc). But I know how hard it can be to quit too.

Fans have to know their boundaries here. I think fandom anxiety comes from the uncertainty around this topic (does he takes blood tests periodically for example? Is he getting checked every once in a while? Does he have a family medicine doctor who is there for him? We don’t know). The fact is, we don’t know much except for what we see or we are told every once in a while. I think no one has ever had THE talk with Louis about it, but that’s very normal for a young healthy man. The thing with smocking is that has been always so socially accepted it makes it harder to see the struggles of your health because of it. I’ve seen surgeons smocking in front of my two eyes! And I was like “how dare you? You literally operate these things inside people’s bodies!” but you know how humans are. You feel invincible and by the time you realise you are not, the cardiologist has already prescribed anti-hypertension and beta-blockers drugs.

My suggestion is to not take this burden on you. It’s not your job, not your responsibility as a fan (or as a doctor, by the way). Also stay away from twitter if you can. It’s very easy to be overwhelmed by the discourse over there. When something good happens you are surrounded by so much excitement, but it happens with controversial things too. The fact is when we go online and read stuff from other blogs or accounts, we don’t always match the energy. That’s absolutely normal, because we are individuals living our real life in different ways and in different moments. When discourses like this start, we are left with so many questions and worries coming from all the sides and that’s what you want to avoid. Stay away from any thing can make you feel uncomfortable. It doesn’t matter how little it is. Filter tags, block, say you’re not interested. Do whatever it takes to preserve your experience of the fandom. Today, this discourse feels like an unnecessary concern. Try not to stress on this thinking how being their health counsellor is not your role.

Anyway, this is a reminder to not smoke ffs. Here’s a thread I wrote a couple of years ago for the No Tobacco Day WHO campaign on the Louies science account, in case you’d want to spread some knowledge about the bad effects of smocking. :)

[fite-club]

okay, i’m gonna talk about my own experiences for a second. this is not meant to invalidate the experiences of others, just to provide an alternate perspective. we have seen ample stories of asexual, demisexual, or graysexual people describing the alienation and otherness they felt during school and from their peers for not being sexual “enough”— what i want to discuss is how i felt those things as a hypersexual person, for being too sexual.

i was raised in the deep south of the usa, the “bible belt”, attending a private catholic school from ages 4-14. for most of my life i went to church twice a week. our self-expression was severely limited, and i got detentions constantly for wearing socks that were too short. the uniforms were very strict, and the bodies of little girls were treated like dangerous distractions. no shoulders, knees, or ankles could be visible, and no makeup or nail polish was allowed. one of the middle school teachers always said that no student needed to look like a prostitute. our “sex ed” was an animated movie from the 90’s where the moral of the story was, literally, i kid you not, “don’t have sex before marriage or you might die”. the messages i absorbed in my youth were that being sexual was unacceptable and that sex was something that should only happen between two married adult heterosexuals behind closed and locked doors. and, hell, my parents went through a divorce, so i didn’t even have any representation of healthy relationships let alone healthy sexuality. when i was 13 and had an orgasm for the first time after masturbating, i thought something terrible was happening to my body. i thought the reason i clenched my legs together was because i “wasn’t supposed to be doing it yet” (i hadn’t started my period). i believed for a long time that what i was doing was wrong and unnatural and that i was being punished, somehow, for doing it.

in high school i started dating for the first time. my friends and my parents disapproved. he was nerdy and not conventionally attractive. no one in my entire group of girl friends was dating or even really interested in dating. if they talked about boys, it was about rejecting them. when one of them actually did start seeing boys, she didn’t talk about it. probably for the same reasons i never talked about my boyfriend— those things were “private”, and we felt judged for not being “focused on school”. when i started sexually experimenting with my boyfriend, i told no one. we both lied to everyone about what we were up to. we both felt like, or in some senses knew, that what we were doing wasn’t acceptable. that it was wrong.

i can’t even get too into how me being trans and gay factored into this or i’ll be here all day. gay sex was a one-way ticket to eternal hellfire, and trans people were delusional sex offenders. gay men were dirty and perverted, and their PDA was not safe for children. if a trans person did exist, they certainly weren’t having any sex. a trans person could never be sexually desirable or attractive in any way. in fact, it’s hilarious that someone could be attracted to a trans person— obviously the only way that could happen is if the trans person was deceitful and tricked someone into thinking they were hot. LGBT was synonymous with corruption and damnation. do you see where i’m going with this?

i cannot stress enough the cultural undertone of “sluts are bad”. the guilt and shame that i felt for being horny, something very normal and natural, horribly affected my self esteem. my sexuality developed in strange ways because i had virtually no sex ed whatsoever, but was curious and had little parental supervision on the internet. i genuinely thought there was something wrong with me. i wondered if i had repressed memories of being sexually assaulted, or if i had some sort of sexual mental illness. i felt “broken”, or “alien”, or “wrong”. and i have spent the entire rest of my life unlearning those messages and healing my relationship with my own sexuality. it took me a long time to truly forgive myself for having feelings that were normal. to fully understand that i was not a morally bad person just because i wanted to sleep with people i wasn’t married to.

all of this is just to say that feeling “broken” is not something unique to asexuals or people on the “aspec”. of course i have sympathy for those who grew up feeling pressured to be sexual! i’m just saying that isn’t a universal experience, and it hurts to have my experiences be conveniently erased for the sake of making a point about “aphobia”. we did not all have classmates who bragged about the sex they were having, we did not all have parents who pressured us into dating, we did not all hear that “sex is important to your health”. acting as if everyone around the world was raised in the same environment as you is naive and self-centered. i once again stress that this is not directed towards aces simply speaking about their experiences, but rather towards aces/demis who frame their experiences as wholly unique and uniform. those who tell me that i can’t possibly know what it’s like to feel like you are different from everyone else, or that your body/brain is wrong. people who INSIST that the default/majority environment is one where sexuality is celebrated and a lack of sexuality is punished. plenty of us have suffered under purity culture! we do not have allosexual privilege! the feelings you had were real, but the world is bigger than you and your life.

[czigonas]

Like Roving Storms

Summary:

No one had seen a jedi in years by the time the ginger-haired human or near-human wandered through the grimy cantina door in the nameless backwoods town his current hunt had led him to. Once upon a time, Jango would have called them out in public to fight - and kill - any jedi that crossed his path. These days it just doesn’t seem worth it, despite that the Empire’s bounty still stood.

All Hallows JangObi Week Day 3: Monster AU

Under the cut for length. Also on AO3. Mando'a is in-line translated here.

No one had seen a jedi in years by the time the ginger-haired human or near-human wandered through the grimy cantina door in the nameless backwoods town his current hunt had led him to. Jango isn’t even sure most people knew what they were - besides a faceless, monstrous traitor the Empire told them to hate - but most of them could sense that something was different about the weary traveller.

The bartender is clearly reluctant to serve them, but their credits are good and they don’t seem inclined to make too much of a spectacle of themselves, settling at a shadowed table and studiously not interacting with any other patrons. Once upon a time, Jango would have called them out in public to fight - and kill - any jedi that crossed his path. These days it just doesn’t seem worth it, despite that the Empire’s bounty still stood.

The jedi keeps to themself in the corner, weaving subtle suggestions into the air to ‘look away, look away, there is nothing interesting here’. Jango has no trouble seeing through them, thanks to his long years of training, but he makes sure to keep his own observations vague to avoid them sensing him in return.

They’re clearly tired - understandable for a being constantly in danger of being exposed - but they’ve kept themself well. Their clothes are simple but clean and tailored, boots worn but still comfortable looking. Despite the dark bruising under their eyes, their skin looks healthy and they seem to eat well enough for someone who must perpetually stay one step ahead of the Empire’s attack dogs.

Jango doesn’t really plan to trail the jedi when they set out the next morning; the two of them just happen to be travelling in the same direction. When the town has disappeared behind more than a few bends in the pitiful excuse for a road, the jedi steps off the path, making their way through the thick trees with uncanny stealth.

Jango follows.

“Hello there.”

He doesn’t startle when the jedi steps up next to him, despite not knowing when they had the chance to circle around. His hands do tighten reflexively on his blasters though, and he consciously relaxes them to avoid a possible misunderstanding.

“Was there a particular reason you were following me?” They continue when Jango stays silent.

He doesn’t snarl at the presumption, but it’s a near thing. “I wasn’t.”

“Ah, apologies,” they nod, as though meeting strangers in unfamiliar wilds is normal. For a jedi though, who knows; it might be, especially these days. “Might I ask your business in coming this way, then?”

“You might,” Jango replies flatly, and the jedi smiles faintly in return.

“I only ask because the way through is unsafe.” They hold up a hand before Jango can inform them exactly how dangerous he can be. “Yes, even for you. I know who you are - your reputation precedes you - but unfortunately the beast I’ve come to slay is rather more dangerous than the usual for these parts. I would rather not have anyone caught in the crossfire, especially should I fail.”

Jango looks the jedi over more closely, trying to determine if he’d ever met them before but he thinks he would have remembered someone so striking. “I’m on a hunt.”

“May I ask what it is that you’re hunting?” They ask, though it seems like they already have a suspicion.

He sighs when he realises he’ll have to give them something. “If you know who I am, you know who I’m hunting. Heard he was out this way not too long ago.”

“I had hoped you were just passing through,” their mouth twists briefly in resignation before they give in. “Yes, he was here. I’m cleaning up his messes, as always.”

“Where is he now?” Jango demands. The thought of the trail he’s followed for the last several years going cold ignites a special kind of urgency in his bones.

“I wish I could tell you,” the jedi sighs, with what seems like genuine regret. “I had hoped to find a clue in what he left behind here.”

They hesitate briefly, then dip their head in a facsimile of a bow. “I know that you deserve your vengeance, but please, the monster guarding this place is truly horrific. Let me take care of it - and any other surprises - and I swear I will not keep you from any information that remains.”

That’s far more consideration than he ever expected from a jedi. On the other hand… “Is there a reason you don’t want help?”

“Besides the fact that I didn’t expect you of all people to offer?” They reply with a wry grin. “The short answer is collateral damage. It’s been more years than I can count since I had the opportunity to fight alongside another being. I’m not sure I remember how.”

Jango bites back a scowl. They’re not wrong to doubt his offer of assistance under normal circumstances, but this is one hunt he’ll never abandon. If it takes working with a jedi to reach his quarry, then that’s what he’ll do.

“You can’t stop me,” he states implacably. “Either I follow and get in your way for sure, or you tell me what we’re likely to fight and we make a plan to take it down together. Don’t think I haven’t noticed you talking around what you expect to find up there.”

“I’m not entirely certain,” they hedge, grimacing when he gives them a flat stare in return. “From all available information, there is at least one terentatek guarding the gate and a small pack of mykal infesting the tower, though how twisted they are from exposure to his magics is still uncertain.”

Jango blows out a long, slow breath, staring at the trees around them as though he can see through them to the stone building that had been rumoured by the locals to be the hideout of a great and terrible demon. Terentateks are some of the Empire's most vicious creations; if there is one up ahead, it will be a tough fight even for two highly experienced beings like themselves.

“You know what it means if there is a terentatek up there, don’t you?” Jango asks, watching the jedi from the corner of his eye.

Their face falls and they nod again. “Yes. We’ve long suspected he has been working with the Empire on the side. A terentatek won’t be solid proof, but it will hopefully convince the last holdouts that he has no longer simply gone rogue.”

“We?” He hones in on their slip; an admittance that their people are not as wiped out as they might wish to appear.

The jedi closes off in a flash, growing still and silent as any predator, the air crackling with a taste of their rising magic. Jango raises his hands slowly, palms out, in an effort to diffuse the tension he only now realises was previously absent. “Easy, jedi. I don’t hunt your kind anymore.”

“Yes,” they murmur, eyes like chips of ice even as their body language thaws slightly. “The thousands of simulacra made in your image did that well enough, I think.”

This time Jango can’t hold back his snarl, though he keeps his hands pointedly away from his weapons. He’d barely had a hand in that, having been tricked into the contract at the end of a long hunt. If this jedi knew who he was after, they would know all of that and why. Before either of them can say something to further ruin their fragile peace, however, the jedi sighs out an apology and turns away, moving slowly into the trees. Jango takes a deep breath and follows.

They walk in silence for a while, both still somewhat brittle, until the forest around them starts to thin. Here and there, the trees bear smooth patches where the bark has been rubbed away or, occasionally, deep claw marks with their edges spidered from some creeping poison. Several are knocked down completely and then further splintered where they lay.

Jango decides to speak up, before they reach the point of no return. “Are you going to introduce yourself, jedi? Or should I just call you Atin’bur [Stubborn Guardian] in my remembrances if you fall here?”

The question startles a sharp laugh from the jedi, who turns to look at him with far more mirth than they’d previously allowed to show. “I would have been surprised to be included at all, but I have been rather rude in any case. I am Obi-wan Kenobi, he/him. I usually go by Ben out here though.”

Jango nods, waving a hand around at the destruction. “I assume we’ll come across the terentatek first, so how do you want to handle it?”

Ben grimaces slightly. “They’re immune to most of my magic, but vulnerable in all the rest of the usual ways. Their hide is quite thick, but there are a few places between the plates where we can slip a blade in. Eyes as well, of course, though they’re a significantly smaller target.” He touches one of the scored trunks gently. “And especially be wary of both their teeth and claws, as they’re quite venomous.”

“More blades than blasters, but don’t get too close, huh?” Jango hums. He eyes Obi-wan shrewdly. “You do have one of your fancy light swords, right? Or are they immune to those, too?”

Obi-wan laughs softly, a silver hilt appearing briefly in his hand before disappearing into the folds of his cloak again. “Thankfully, they’re not. I’m not the only one with one of these here, though.”

Jango’s brows raise, and he tilts his head in agreement. “How’d you know?”

“Like all blades forged in the same manner, it… sings, for lack of a better word, and that song resonates with its wielder.” Obi-wan flashes a small smile over his shoulder. “You’re unusually well-matched with it, for not having forged it yourself. You should use it,” he continues, seemingly oblivious to Jango’s uneasy silence on the matter. “At least against the terentatek.”

Before Jango can think of what to say to that, Ben holds up a hand. Straining his senses, Jango can hear the deep, heavy breaths of a large beast somewhere ahead of them. With a flurry of hand signs both familiar and not, they briefly argue over the plan they should have come up with well before reaching their prey. Still, they come to an agreement and split to circle through the sparse trees in opposite directions, doing their best to blend the sounds of their movement into the general noise of the forest around them.

The terentatek isn’t huge but it’s still on the larger side for monsters Jango’s hunted before. He takes a moment to look it over, trying to pick out the weak points in its hide that Obi-wan had said were there. They lock eyes across the artificial clearing the beast has made for itself and, with a nod and a quick hand sign, they spring into action simultaneously, as though they’d been fighting together for years.

In the end, it’s easier than Jango thought it would be to take down, though that’s not to say they make it out entirely unharmed. The terentatek is obsessively fixated on Obi-wan, focussing on him exclusively, and the jedi is thoroughly bruised in short order, though he has at least avoided the venom. His distraction allows Jango to get in a few good, crippling strikes on the beast’s flailing limbs, however, and take only glancing blows to his armour in return. He climbs its back as it stumbles, riding out its panicked thrashing and stabbing his dark sword into its spine beneath its crest at nearly the exact moment that Ben pierces it through one eye with his own light blade.

They both scramble out of the way as it falls dead, sharing twin looks of disgust at the sight and smell. Jango hopes there was only the one because, though they escaped serious injury this time, a terentatek is not the kind of monster he enjoys pursuing. Besides, the faster they clear the tower, the faster he gets his information, and the faster he can get back to hunting his real prey. Obi-wan tips his head in the direction of the broken gates now just barely visible through the trees, and Jango nods in agreement.

They walk in silence for a few minutes before he can’t help but break it. “What were you going to do if you found him?”

“I’m not sure I can answer that, really,” Obi-wan sighs softly. Before Jango can do more than scowl, he continues. “He’s of my training line, so I’m sure you can see how I might feel conflicted. It doesn’t matter anyway,” the jedi perks up again, shooting Jango another small smile. “I would hardly stand in the way of your revenge.”

“Why not?” Jango asks quietly as they push their way cautiously through into the tower yard. “Thought you jedi didn’t like senseless killing.”

“Ah, but it wouldn’t be senseless, would it?” Ben counters absently, eyeing the high windows as he spreads his magic over the area. “He’s done enough damage to enough people that I would be shocked to learn you were the only one hunting him just to kill him.”

Jango concedes the point with a shrug, drawing one of his blasters and heading for the only visible door. Obi-wan follows, still with part of his attention on the skies. Continuing their run of good luck, the mykal are sleeping in the rafters when Jango eases the door open and peeks through. Holding a hand up to stop the jedi, he pulls a sonic screamer from a belt pouch, sets the timer, and tosses it in. The ensuing cries from the mykal resonate jarringly against the screamer’s unnatural shriek, but the results are unmistakable; there are only a few of the pests remaining for them to clean up when the noise dies down and they can enter the tower proper.

“How much of this do you need to convince your holdouts?” Jango asks as they dig through years of research notes and abandoned experiments, searching for any clue of where their target may have gone next.

Obi-wan hums in consideration, setting the occasional piece of evidence aside from time to time. “Not much, I admit. The confirmation of the terentatek should win most of them over, and those who doubt I fought one would not have believed me even if I brought it back alive.”

“Do you have to report in person?”

“I suppose not,” Ben replies slowly, still half-focussed on the pages he’s flipping through. “There are a few ways I could send what we find here to them securely. Why do you ask?”

Jango doesn’t look up from the desk he’s hunched over, staring down at its messy surface with a scowl. He’s not sure how to word his request in a way that doesn’t feel like admitting to a weakness that doesn’t exist. He curses to himself under his breath.

Obi-wan sets down his pile of papers and shifts closer in concern. “Jango..?”

“Do you want to help me take him down?” He blurts out before the jedi can take more than a step.

There's a brief, startled silence. “You’ve found something then?”

Jango gives a tight nod, tapping decisively at the map under his hands. Obi-wan steps into place at his shoulder as though he’s always been there.

“Of course,” the jedi breathes when he sees just which of the surrounding marches Jango is pointing to. “In that case, let me send these off and then,” he offers Jango a sharp smile. “Let’s hunt.”

Jango’s sure his answering grin shows just as many teeth.

“Oya [Let's hunt].”

[purplesurveys]

1631

What brings out the worst in you? DEADLINES. The nearer I get to a deadline the more unhinged I become, lol. I just hate when things feel like a ticking time bomb; it brings out the worst of my anxiety, of the way I internally freak out, of my overthinking, etc.

What all did you eat today? I had aligue pasta and sweet potato fries. That’s all I had today thinking I’d be good for the rest of the day; but as soon as I got home and flopped down on my bed I realized just how hungry I am. I currently have a KFC order being prepared and will be delivered to me in about half an hour haha.

Some people were really destructive as a child, were you? I was a really calm kid. Too quiet – I was too shy to even ask permission to use the restroom most of the time. But I also think I was a very confused kid who wasn’t aware she was confused. I knew having relatives who would constantly smoke and drink enough to get violently drunk every night was not normal in a family; but I also did not know what would count as normal, happy family life if that makes sense? Who was the last person you were in a car with? My Grab driver, and Bea since we booked the same ride together.

Who was the last person you cried in front of? I don’t cry in front of other people. The only person I’ve ever done that around was my former partner, and I have not encountered her in years.

Do you talk about your feelings or hide them? Uhm, it really depends but for the most part I only ever open up to Angela. How much I open up otherwise depends on how close and comfortable I am with someone.

Who was the last person you were with that smelled REALLY good? Someone from work who happened to pass by me. Forgot who it was though.

Do you know anyone that is gothic? Nah, not really.

Have you seen UP? Just the first part. 

How is your mom? She is healthy and I’d like to think happy, which is all that matters (especially the former). I’m really looking forward to the time my dad can retire so they can finally be together for good; they’ve had to sacrifice quality time for like 95% of their entire marriage as my dad has worked abroad in the last 23 years.

What color hair does your mom have? Black. She never dyed it.

When was the last time you were told you were cute? Probably during our company Christmas party when I dressed up as Pooh. Cute isn’t necessarily a word people use with me.

Do you feel comfortable getting up and giving speeches? Depends on the context, I guess? I don’t mind speaking in front of a crowd; but if what I have to cover is a sensitive topic then obviously I’d be a little anxious.

Have you ever dipped french fries in a frosty? Not a Frosty per se but a hot fudge sundae, yeah.

Did you have school/class today? I had work, but today was a little different from my usual WFH days as I had two on-ground events so I had been out from 7 AM to 9 PM. 

Have you ever had your photo professionally taken? Yeah but it was never for funsies. It’s been either for grad shoots or for times I’ve needed to restock on 1x1 and 2x2 photos.

Would you prefer eating jello or pudding? Both sound...not fun LOL but uhhhh I would go with pudding I guess because I dislike the texture of jelly.

After washing your hair, do you put any products in it? Nah.

Last time you ate a salad? I had a really spicy tuna salad last weekend that I actually ended up backing out from.

Do you know how old your house is? Continued from last Wednesday. It turns 15 this year!

Have you ever been described as “adorable”? Yeah but it’s not a word typically used with me – like the only person who’s ever called me this was a significant other, lol.

Have you ever given a lap dance? Nope.

Are you a moody person? I can be but I try to avoid it as much as I can because fuck knows how much I hate it when people get so turbulently moody.

What are you listening to? Namjoon’s Change pt. 2.

What video game could you waste the most time on? In the Seom.

[mypoisonedvine]

Sorry for this rant

I feel like I’m not normal as I don’t know how to talk to people as I was sheltered as a kid and wasn’t allowed to go to bday parties or play dates. So I never really learned as people started to ignore me probably think she won’t hang out like I invited her b4.

So now I’m actually don’t feel normal as I make scenarios in my head that I have a fake friend group doesn’t matter if it’s my own characters or from a tvshows/movie. Like rn I’m in a friend group with characters in stranger things. Like I do wish I could live a life where I can be happy and make friends like I do in my head.

Like everyone around me is making friends and I’m in the corner quiet and just in my scenarios. Like is this normal for others cuz I can’t really talk abt it to my friends cuz I do feel like they would judge and not understand y. Cuz I told my friend abt the bday/play date things and she told me it was stupid that I’m resenting that and saying it’s why I can’t talk to others.

And it’s just stupid cuz if I put my scenarios self and like the scenario me is more sarcastic and sassy. But when I am sarcastic in irl I don’t think ppl understand I am trying to be. Which is kinda mean but I like I do feel like this version of me would be happier cuz they seem really fun to be around. But I still don’t really know how to hold a convo as in my scenarios I’m always already in one so I didn’t need to worry and for making friends I just know the ppl b4. Like when I hang with my friend that helps gets the other me does come out but my friend is leaving so i feel like it’s gonna be gone

okay, so I just wanna start by saying that I'm sorry you feel so different from other people, and that your childhood was deprived of typical social experiences that you would've benefited from. I agree with you that that is too far to go in terms of 'sheltering' a child and that your parents set you up for more struggle socially than is necessary. I had friends growing up who weren't allowed to have or attend sleepovers, but they still could go to birthday parties!! I'm sorry that that happened to you.

in terms of the impact now, all I can say is, you're just as sane as I am. I'm not gonna say that it's normal or healthy to daydream semi-constantly, but it is something that I relate to a lot.

and I think a lot of people relate to your feeling that making friends is more difficult than we expected. it's normal to think all your friends have more friends than you because, statistically speaking, they always will. it doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong per se.

one piece of advice I can give is to definitely not lean into being sassy/sarcastic in real life. if there's one thing TV shows misrepresent about social interaction, it's how well people take sarcasm in real life. characters that are seen as funny, if a little stern or intense, on TV shows would be HATED in real life because their behavior can be dismissive and cruel. the softest example of this is chandler, from friends, who uses his friends' real problems to make stand-up-comic-type quips. and then you've got characters like house, dr. cox, jeff winger whose behavior no real person would tolerate even if they seem cool to us as the audience. I get the temptation, but definitely don't try to have a witty comeback for every situation... it can very much backfire.

that said, I understand wanting to have more social confidence and make friends more easily. I don't have one perfect piece of advice for that, but don't think you're the only person with this problem or that you're less valuable as a person just because you're not the most popular person. I hope you feel better and I'm sorry that your friend was dismissive about this, thank you for sharing this <3

[cottage-core-cunt]

i remember when i was thirteen, and my mental illness was almost at it's peak, and i would just scroll tumblr for *hours*. all i did was watch youtube and scroll tumblr and the worst thing i did was stay up way too late, and maybe sleep in one of my classes. and i compare that to my younger sibling. theyre smoking pot at thirteen. they this is the normal and healthy thing to do to treat mental illness, because that's what my dad spouts constantly. and yes, i pro-legalizing and decriminalizing weed, but i also am pro-people-being-informed. i am pro-kids-being-kids. i get why theyre doing this; i just wish they would stop.

and my parents finally found out yesterday. i told them, because my younger sibling told me they were hanging out with a kid i graduated with. i couldn't take the worry anymore. i'm at college an hour away, someone had to do something. and i pray to whatever may be out there that they respond reasonably, that my dad gets his fucking head out of his ass and realizes his kid needs real help. they think they need weed to live. they said it helps them eat, sleep, and think. they're thirteen!! they should be riding their bike and listening to bad music and being cringey! the scariest thing they should be doing right now is falling down a little too hard!

they're very mad at me for telling. and im mad at myself, even thought i know it was the right thing. they are better off because of this. i just hope one day they realize i was trying to save them from themself. i hope they realize i was just trying to protect them from the trauma they were so close to getting into. i just want to hug them and make all the hurt that led them to this go away. they deserve so, so, so much better than this. they deserve a chance to thrive. if just one adult in my family cared about their wellbeing, they would have seen this coming from miles away. they have quit every extracurricular, theyre failing all their classes, theyre sleeping all day at school and at home. their wasting their life away and genuinely believe they have no chances. but they are so, so talented. they are smart and funny and kind and not to mention so creative. they are an excellent dancer, wonderful artist, amazing writer, and yet they believe they have nothing going for them. i love them so much and hope they get therapy and realize how wonderful they are, just like the rest of us have.

[carlotaflaneur]

#5 september 2023

EVERY WORD I SAY COULD BE THE LAST ONE

hooooOooooola !

My newsletter has turned into that text from a friend you love dearly but you can hardly ever see each other, so there is no practical end to keeping the chat alive, which leads to you not putting it first and letting it die, and then your heart aches more and more as months go by, because you love them and wanted to share what live has brought to you both. I do think that it's never too late to answer a text... because who wouldn't like to receive a text or a letter that wasn't expected ??? that said, I apologize for not writing; I said my newsletter would be a monthly thing and I broke my commitment.

Now that I'm finally writing, I take this chance to let you know that my email address is hola@carlotaflaneur.com :-) I'll be more than happy to receive letters filled with musical recommendations or impressions on my record, which turned 1 YEAR yesterday !!!

All this time I haven't stopped ruminating on the various reasons why I haven't been sending this newsletter. I've been questioning myself a lot: have I acted lazy ?? I don't think so. I actually think I've been too hard on myself. It's a mental process I'm quite familiar with: a part of me feels what I'm writing to you has to be highly excellent and interesting... so much that I end up not writing, feeling like it wouldn't be enough. It's the same with content for social media (I've been struggling recording videos) and even with songs. I think it's not healthy that perfectionism holds the power behind creativity... I clearly get creative because I need to; but I want to learn to do so from a place of playfulness, passion... rather than high self-demand standards.

june 2023 - with my dad benito going to Primavera Sound in Barcelona (foto: núria gascón)

This last year has been crazy amazing; I've played my album many places, including Primavera Sound (the biggest festival in Spain) and Wales !!!!! my first international gig !!!!! I actually sold some vinyls to english couples who were incredibly supportive, I get emotional when I recall it. A spanish girl -who discovered me thanks to the spanish national radio- who lives in Cambridge drove all along to Wales (3 hours) just to see me play. I hugged her so tight !!! I can retire now.

What a beautiful and hard year !!! I have to admit I've felt overwhelmed every single day and I have a fatigue sensation I cannot get rid of. It's partly because I still don't know how to get rest; even when I push myself to unwind, I end up thinking about my project. And I can't seem to separate Carlota Flâneur from my personal life (I guess it's because I AM Carlota Flâneur hahah). I've learnt a lot about managing my time, but I still have loads to learn in that sense. Vivid proof: I haven't been sending newsletters this last year.

I'm still learning to live with the implications of being my own boss... and that's also beautiful and exhausting. I've been constantly wishing that I had a normal job, where I'm told what to do and how to do it, with very defined responsibilities and getting paid on a regular basis lol. I acknowledge I'd feel empty inside if that was my life, and I'd still need to write songs... maybe a good solution is finding the right balance between being an artist and having a job that pays. I'll tell you how this goes in the future !

Many hugs to you all and I hope that I can see you soon !!

ps: have you seen my website ??? my friend Ayman designed it and programmed it :-)

Carlota

[bonnie-is-bumbling]

Oh, man is my anxiety high lately. It's troubling not to know if it's because of something real, or if ye olde AFAB body is not being fab.

I have PCOS which, to stay short and sweet, means I have a bit more testosterone in me than your normal AFAB person will. This causes PMS, periods, and cycles to go absolutely out of whack. If you're curious about it, I highly reccomend Google. Or you can ask me, but know I am absolutely NOT a medical professional. I work at a bloody hotel. I can tell you what I do know, and I can tell you what I gather from that, and my own thoughts on it- But I repeat: I am NOT a medical professional.

But this post was about anxiety, so let's hop back to that.

Today, I got on Facebook. Not because I regularly use it. In the spirit of honesty- I use it 99.9% for memes. But today, I had a question, one that had been burning a hole in my mind.

For some context: I live in a town of about 9000 people (about half-ish of which are the inmates of the state prison, which is hosted in our town.) We are about 100 miles (roughly 161 km) from any larger civilization. That said, if you make a fool of yourself, the whole town knows. The windiest in the state, and sitting at an elevation of 7000 feet (2.13 km), I really wondered about our local airport.

I hopped onto the local Facebook group and for WEEKS I had let this question burn- I was so bloody scared that I was just making a fool of myself. Or that I was asking in the wrong group and would be mocked. People would see me and go "That's the dumb kid that asked a question she should have already known the answer to!" Or "What are you asking about aviation for? You work at a hotel!"

People really aren't usually so mean. But my brain immediately thought they would be, just because it was me asking, and not someone more qualified to ask.

When I finally jumped the gun tonight and asked, I told myself "You know what? SOME people are going to be assholes. But this is a non-offensive question. It's a reasonable question, and I'm going to state at the beginning AND end of my post that I'm legitimately just curious on how pilots take off and land at our mountainous, windy airport that's subject to the cruel winters and thick ice.

And I was pleasantly surprised.

People actually were up and willing to answer my question, and it sparked conversation that was neither mean, nor degrading. Nobody thought my question was silly, childish, ridiculous, or dumb. And in retrospect, it really isn't a dumb question. Maybe not a commonly asked one is all. And that's okay.

It just seems I over thought once more. And as many of us with anxiety can probably relate to- I always have to think things through. But I worry- Am I not thinking deep enough into it?... And here begins the spiral- I start thinking waaaay too hard and it just grows more and more negative- Sometimes driving me into utter inaction. It's not better to just sit and wonder than look stupid, but my brain will absolutely convince me it is.

Tomorrow, my 17 year old dog meets his new groomer. I'm absolutely worried about what the groomer will think. But I have to keep in mind that my dog is 17, and is expected to look, feel, and act like a REALLY old dog. The groomer is related to his recently retired groomer, and is aware of his age, condition, warts, blindness and all. She is also very aware that he's a dog with a constantly snuggly and licky attitude. Groomers know animals. She's been at it for decades, and likely has seen worse.

This is all affirming, but my brain is so obsessed with this thought I wish it would quit bringing up. This thought is that on this dog of healthy weight, happy temperament, and wiggly tail, she's gonna see his rough skin and have him taken. Which in reality, worst that would happen is I would be told "Hey, I can't groom him today, but you should ask the vet about [insert whatever here]."

My dog, a cocker spaniel at seventeen years old, is a good 24 pounds, always on the move, eats, sleeps, drinks, potties, plays. His hair, though thinning, is shiny and soft, free of matting. For seventeen, he is absolutely doing well, and I know my brain is being utterly irrational.

And for me, that's the hardest part of anxiety.

For me, anxiety is almost always very irrational. My house settles, as a 123 year old house does with changing temperatures. It's spring time here, and so the old bones are having a stretch. My roof is fine. I have personally checked. And yet my brain still reacts as if the house is about to just cave in... And with all the literal proof I have, I'm well aware my brain is talking nonsense.

It's absolutely irritating to know something, but have a nagging little voice in the head telling you you're wrong, always wrong, in danger all the time, not safe, error 404 braincell not found. It makes me mad at myself, upset that I can't make a decision, I can't make a move, feel stupid for asking for help. I don't know everything, and that's a fact. But I know SOME things, and my own brain treats me as if I don't. Not without absolute proof. Proof not even a 'Karen' can argue with. Proof that NOBODY can deny... And do you know how impossible that is?

I don't need seven scientists to tell me I'm safe to sit down in this chair or ask a question to quench my curiosity. Really, why can't my own mind and I be in sync? I blame anxiety. It could be something more, or I could just be an incompetent buffoon like my brain insists and treats me like. I don't entirely know, but I will say it's absolutely turbulent and irks the hell out of me.

[sunnyanddumb98]

BLEEDING BUTTERFLYS

CHAPTER 1 bleeding

She was so obviously worried about her period, all she did at brunch was not talk about it, fidget, and look around. On the other hand, she seems overly worried about being fired; she need not worry, not because she was excelling or even proficient at it, but because she was a personality hired. I myself, in college, worked with her for that very same reason.

—  I have a normal amount of shame— she excused herself  —  like promising myself to stay longer after a long coffee break, but it brushes away during the day, right? but not while you're actually doing the damn thing, right? I know Im falling behind. I asked for a performance review, and nothing of the sort came up, but I know I can see their disappointment. I can see that they reassign my task when we're in a rush —

I felt that way many times, and that is the reason why I took the gap year in the first place, a year to lay in bed and see your savings account running dry. So I understand, and I always understand my friends. I'm a little resentful of them, but I know there was no way she could leave work and do nothing for a year.

Anyways Vale was driving me to the edge, looking around, searching for someone, giggling to save herself from embarrassing stares. brushing away my concern with vague dismissals, I hate to see the hopeful expression on every chair move, every door opening, and every coffee order being called out.

He wasn't coming because he wasn't in her life anymore. Actually,  no, the main reason isn't her no-contact policy; the main reason is that he never loved her. He wasn't going to show up because there was no incentive to do so and he never had before. 

I would not show up either, perhaps before him. I warn her when in our freshman year, she was not listening, and she told me she could never. That it wasn't like that; I have told that lie many times before; I always lie, but groomers are patient and manipulative, and now she needed reassurance constantly, more than anyone could give or at the very least me.

She felt ill, so we asked for the check and left. On the walk home, she started to look blue. I have never seen someone alive look blue; I took a picture of her. Sometimes I feel like I only appreciate my friends for the memories that they can provide for me; a healthy friend is an unuseful friend.

— I haven't gotten my period this month — great! wonderful! Pregnancy and I hope and pray that she didn't tell him. In my experience, metalheads are prone to Republican views of the world. She was already a ghost of what she used to be. I picture her reclusive, raising a child in cheap, dirty, scary suburbs. making the best of it, in a tunic, being the crystal lady, or some sort of very ill-lucrative endeavour.

When we got to the door, I was sweating. My parents always told me to learn how to drive, and I always stated that I was a professional passenger. I could get a driver anywhere anytime, but not like this. Vale was curled up and bleeding, grasping at my shoulder while I tried to open the door, no cab would take us.

She bled for hours, and we sat in the bathroom with an analgesic cocktail and movies, legally blonde, clueless, and with a pampa illusion for the good old times. I was by her side on the floor over a towel, cracking jokes, and on my mind, I was writing my funeral speech. Perhaps I could turn this into a novel.

Once she fell asleep, I started to clean her out. While the warm water ran through her legs, I realized something in the blood was moving; the clumps were dying too. I rinsed them to have a better look; they were butterflies. She bled out the butterflies of her stomach. I couldn't contain the tears or the ache in my chest.

Vale, my dear sweet girl, would get over him. Perhaps it would take years, but she could, and she could be less vain and find a better job, one which she like, one in which she excelled, and if it was just a bad miscarriage, a dangerous one, she could adopt later in life, but this was bad; she was doomed; she could never fall in love again.

[substanceuser971]

i started using my wheelchair at work to minimize my chronic pain and fatigue, and this next week since making that choice my hours got slashed. i already dont make much as a low wage part timer, the standard hours i was told id be working are barely enough to cover rent and bills so i need to apply for ssi, but now i have to worry about if my boss is deciding that she thinks im unfit to be working as much as im supposed to be working. im hoping its just a random incident but i dont know. shes been super weird about me using my wheelchair, i havent been feeling like shes actually hearing what im saying when i tell her i dont need any accommodations for my conditions, and she went out of her way to ask me for details about my disabilities despite me outright saying i dont need accommodations, which. that alone is against ADA guidelines. but im also scared of just being fired if i try to talk to her about the situation. a coworker offered to let me take her shift with permission from our boss, and if i understand whatsapp correctly, my boss saw my message about it but still hasnt replied.

i really am sinking again into that feeling of inferiority ive been trying to overcome. i feel like im seen as disposable garbage by the people around me. i feel like even when i try to make myself small and minimize my needs and keep to myself, others are so fucking bothered by the fact that i exist. like how dare i taint this storefront with my visible disability lmfao. when i fucking do my job BETTER with my wheelchair, because im not in as much pain. i can work LONGER shifts with my wheelchair, and i can preemptively avoid needing to call out sick with a flare up from pushing myself too hard, but i feel like my boss is having her vision clouded with ideas of what she thinks it means for someone to be disabled. she almost seemed upset with me for it, because i had told her when i was hired that i would be able to do every part of the job without accommodations, but i fucking CAN. im able to stand up at the register and get up to climb ladders on the rare occasion i need to do that. i told her all of that. its like my words dont mean a thing to her. i dont know if i can ever escape being looked down and the thought makes me want to just stay locked in my house constantly instead of having to deal with dirty looks and fucking employment discrimination.

i really just want to drink or get high. i feel like pot would help better, i think the depressive effect of alcohol would just make me feel even more miserable and then id feel even more inferior for not being able to stay away from it. at least with weed, id get the happy mellow feelings of being high and its something ive accepted i wont be able to quit anytime soon. i feel resigned to addiction honestly. i can barely sleep without weed, i need it to function like a normal fucking "human being" if thats even something i have the privilege of calling myself lol. as soon as i was able to buy more, i went right back to smoking every night the way i knew i would.

and its scary, when i dont have my cholesterol meds. i have to call the doctor on tuesday to get my information updated and ask about getting those refilled, but in the meantime i feel like i need to be extra careful what i eat and how much i smoke, because i can feel the heaviness in my chest, but im too poor to afford much healthy food and im stuck with smoking because edibles are too ineffective with my freak digestive system. they stop working after just a few days of use too close together. so since my budget was limited i only bought flower because thats the surest way i can get high.

honestly if it werent for my partner supporting me, and my finances already being shit, id be a lot more scared that id turn to much more destructive drugs. hes told me that hes here to support me through my struggles with alcohol, and ive started opening up a little about my cannabis use being an issue, he already knows im a massive stoner i just havent talked much about how destructive that is. and hes told me that his big limits are cigarettes and illegal drugs, which is a huge deterrent to keep me from even considering them, especially cigarettes since ive thought about it before and theyre way too easy to access. really my partner is the biggest reason im able to keep my addictions somewhat under control. and on the flip side, them thinking im cute when im high is at least comforting when i get down on myself for using too often. i want to be healthier about it, but i hope at least of its a lifelong struggle that she can still find value in me. thats an awful way of thinking about it but i dont know how else to. i want to be valuable because i dont trust that anyone will actually like me as a person beyond what i can do for them. when i really examine the situation, i dont think thats really the kind of person my partner is, but it gets hard to fully believe it when thats what im used to.

i feel fucking pathetic, constantly, all the time. im struggling and struggling and suffering and people hate it because i cant exist as easily as they all can. im too emotional and traumatized and disabled and mentally ill and obnoxious and socially clueless. i feel like it doesnt even matter what good i do, because even small mistakes or flaws are enough for people to decide they hate me. it doesnt feel fair but i dont even know if i deserve fairness. i feel like theres something innate about me that keeps me from being as much of a person as everyone else. i cant escape being scum. i hate it. to a degree i hate people. i dont understand how God has so much forgiveness for such a cruel species. i guess thats one of the things thats so great about Him, i couldnt do the same in His position. i admire Him for that, but its hard not to feel some degree of frustration that all these people are allowed to go about their lives being cruel and hateful and ignorant while the rest of us are pushed down and left to die if not outright killed. i understand thats probably the point, we need to learn to work together to make peace and improve the world because God cant step in Himself, but its difficult to trust that were going to get anywhere at this rate. i want to keep living but its hard to feel hopeful about it. i want to live a happy life with my partner and our future kids but i get so fucking scared that ill die before i get the chance. from lack of access to medical help, from lack of money to support myself, from any random health emergency that feels like it could pop up at any moment. i hate all of this. i want to love and be loved and i want to fucking make the world better by getting involved in my community but i feel like my time is so limited and it scares me. i feel like people wouldnt really care if someone as fucking pitiful as me died, because so many people view people like me as subhuman. and ive felt that all my life. i cant escape it but at least drugs and booze let me hide from it for a few hours out of the day.