#because I see people posting fully nude content on here and those ones don’t have the mature labels

[bass-alien]

fucking knew my pinned post would get hit with the mature label lmaooo

[bubbytheliverstealingskeleton]

Heyoo Hellooo

I use thon/thons & neos, but they/them is also okay (neos are preferred tho)

My names Bubby but honestly you could call be anythin

I’m a chill guy I think. maybe. kinda. Most of the time I think

I do art, writing, comics, other stuff- I technically can call myself a multimedia artist because a do a lot of stuff with a lot of different materials but idk it also just feels way to fucking formal for like tumblr, all you need to know is I do a bunch of stuf

epic pronouns page -- > my other neos

Im also in the process of making my own website for like a personal portfolio but its no where near done yet. I'll update this with its link when it is actually done

Also

This is my personal blog, I’m still making an art only blog for my stuff but currently it’s not fully set up or anything so I’ll update this when I do have one

I do have a nsfw-ish blog tho, also still setting that up but it won’t be trapped in limbo like the art blog I just gotta theme the bastard

Table of contents I suppose

My Tags

DNI/BYF

Main/Special interests + sub catagories + favorite little guys/ships in each

My oc shit

Au's for all my fandoms

Anything else to be added

My tags:

- #my art, my artwork n doodles, all that stuff

- #my projects, for random projects I have

- #bastard can talk, my talking/rambling tag

- #bastard of a skeleton, my sona/me

- #Bitching to my crowd of jesters, my venting/bitching tag

- #webtrinkets, my little collection of web things that I’ll prolly put on my website

- #keeping this for later, things I’m keeping for later/ later use

- #.wip, tag for my WIPs

- #.headcannons, for my headcannons

- #.ask, ask tag

- #fave, favorite things, I’ll go back through my reblogs sometime and put more in there eventually

- #boomer/#hlvrai boomer, the boomer tag is for things I’ve reblogged that are the boomers, hlvrai boomer tag is for my art I’ve done of them

Block any of these if you want

DNI

[Do not Interact]

- basic dni [pedos, racists, generally against LGBTQIA+, bigots, y'know]

- assholes

- not saying anything about proshipping because like idk man I ain’t touchin’ any of that shit, pro or anti, or any of that drama with like a fucking 300 foot pole. If I don’t like you I’ll block you simple as that I don’t care who you are or your stance or any of that shit

Again not touching it with a fucking 300 foot pole not even pokin’ it

BFY

[Before you follow]

little warning before you follow me:

- I don't tag most things I reblog so there wont be trigger or content warning tags on them, its my house I chill here uh sorry. I do tag trigger and content warnings on things I post myself.

- I mass reblog things a lot

- also to go with the above, this is not just an art blog. This is my personal blog I use for everything so if you follow me for art only you uhh might not want to. You will see me complaining and randomly doing shit

- I reblog and occasionally post nsfw. I dont post porn (also technically against tumblr rules or smthin idk man I rarely ever draw it anyways) but there is artistic nudity, some of my reference sheets have nude base bodies with tits 'n junk, any suggestive stuff will be going on the nsfw blog + some darker stuff Im too much of a pussy to post here

- I have certain ships and things I like, if you don't like them then be wary I guess just, like, don't be an asshat about what I like

- I generally don’t check blogs of people who follow me unless you look like a bot. Don’t look like a bot and you don’t get blocked.

- I will say I block freely and will block for any reason but that’s normally if I like find you in the wild. Like. In a tag or on my dash or smthin. Again I generally don’t block if your just looking at my shit

- To go along with that I used to/am kinda in fandoms or watching the media that is attached to them. Such as DSMP or Hazbin Hotel, those two for examples because they specifically are like in so many fucking dni lists I see and also because they do appear on my fandom list [they have explanations attached tho]

Main/Special interests in order + sub categories:

+ my favorite little guys and my ships

Minecraft

- MCYT: Minecraft YouTubers

- MCSM: Minecraft Story Mode [Ivor, Soren, Aiden, Petra, Romeo, Isor [ivor x soren], Jestra [Jesse x Petra], lukden [Aiden x Lukas], [Romeo x Fred], theres also probably other ones]

- HC: Hermitcraft [Grian, Mumbo, Iskall, Xisuma, EX, Grumbot, Grumbo [Grian x Mumbo], Architects [Grian x Mumbo x Iskall], Hex [Hels x EX] treating everyone as characters, im not shipping the cc’s together]

FNAF: Five Nights at Freddy's [Michael Afton, Nightmare Foxy, Music Man]

- DSAF: Dayshift at Freddy's [Dave, Jack, basically the main cast of DSAF 3 because they are all awesome, davesport [dave x jack[oldsport]]]

FO: Fallout

- FNV: Fallout: New Vegas + its cut content [Benny [Gecko], Dr. Mobius, Yes Man, Victor, Yesvic [Yes Man x Victor], Bencade [Benny x Arcade Gannon], Kingcade [Arcade Gannon x The King], Benny x The Courier]

- FO4: Fallout 4 [unfortunatly][not really][It was the first fallout game I played I still love it][my own copy is fucked up by mods tho] [Paladin Danse, Nick Valentine, Danse x Sole Survivor, Nick x Sole, Danse x Nick, Danse x Nick x Hancock]

Ninjago [Lord Garmadon, Morro, Lloyd [specifically like the first 5 seasons for lloyd and first 4 for garmadon], i-its- my ninjago ships are complicated and all interwoven for the most part so heres the simple ones, emperor garmadon x vinny, past!Garmadon x Clouse, Pythor x Scales, Greenflower [lloyd x brad] but in a queerplatonic way]

HLVRAI: Half-Life but the AI is Self Aware [This isnt under HL1 because I veiw these two as different things][All of the cast is great but specifically: Dr. Coomer, Bubby, Boomer [Bubby x Coomer], Goomby [Bubby x Coomer x Gman], Gubby [Bubby x Gman], and like a complicated polycule between Tommy, Gordon, Benry, Forzen, and Darnold]

HL1: Half Life 1 [Walter/Glasses model, Einstein Model, Gman, Headcrabs, Houndeyes, Snarks]

- OF: Opposing Force + BS: Blueshift [Adrian Shephard and Barney Calhoun despite being technically silent, BS: Walter, In my heart I believe that my solider oc Carol is cannon in every variation of hl media, she is the radio operator you find in OF that's radioing the instructions you hear in HL1 during the airstrike puzzle]

- HL1 Beta [the earlier models are all funny little guys]

- USS Darkstar

- FM: Freemans Mind [Gordon Freemind is really the only guy here but I do like him]

- generally a lot of HL1 related stuff [sorry hl2 fans but I like this ones gameplay and style more]

- GF: Gravity Falls [Stanley, Fiddleford/Old man McGucket, Standford, Bill I guess, all of the cast is great but my favorites are mostly the old guys, Fiddlestan [Fiddleford x Stanley], Fiddauthor [Fiddleford x Stanford], Billford [Bill Cipher x Stanford], no idea what their ship names are > Dipper x Pacifica + Mabel x Pacifica]

specifically 90’s, 80’s, and 50-60’s Sci-Fi

space, Ocean creatures

Other things that I’ve been interested in, in the past + not main/special interests:

Genloss

BATIM: Bendy and the Ink Machine [Sammy Lawrence, Norman Polk/The Projectionist, Alice Angle/Susie Cambell, Henry Stein, Sammy x The Projectionist, Alice x Allison]

HL2: Half-Life 2 [Barney Calhoun, Isaac Kleiner, Lamarr, Kleiner x Eli Vance but in a sad way]

THSC: The Henry Stickmin Collection

TF2: Team Fortress 2

Titanfall 2

Ultrakill

Trollhunters

UT: Undertale

HH: Hazbin Hotel - I fixated on Hazbin Hotel for a time but it was only because I really wanted to redesign them and I kinda wanna know what happens in the show im sorry dont fucking dogpile me im just curios

DSMP: Dream SMP - also Dream SMP back in 2021, I don’t generally interact or have anything to do with this fandom anymore and don’t really care I’m just trying to make a comprehensive list of my fandoms

DBH: Detroit Become Human - this is also another controversial one, I don’t interact with the fandom, I’ve never played the game, and I understand the criticisms for it, I just like the characters and the idea the plot was attempting

Again please don’t be a dickwad to me about fandoms/content I’ve liked or enjoyed before if you don’t like it then just like Leave??? You don’t go up to random people in the street and insult them for liking something just cause you overheard them talking about it like with a friend or someshit

My oc shit:

I don’t have all of these tagged or anything and I’ve not even uploaded stuff for some of these yet

TOW - The Ocean Waves to Me Outside the Windows - my main oc story that I’m trying to turn into a comic, it’s Sci-fi merpeople, mostly

Abbreviation: TOW

Tag: #The Ocean Waves to Me Outside the Window

——

Mincera Universe - Minecraft but it’s space and planets, TOW, DS, +EXDS takes place inside this universe, once I actually post stuff the Mincera tag will be on all stuff in the universe

No abbreviation right now

Tag: #Entire Mincera Universe

——

DS - Dead Stars - Minecraft space but focased on an Enderian runaway royal and their experiment criminal boyfriend

Abbreviation: DS

Tag: #Dead Stars

——

TKC - To Kingdom Come - My other main oc story with also happens to be Minecraft which revolves around the two protagonists Akki and Lucie except one of them is also an antagonist

Abbreviation: TKC

Tag: #To Kingdom Come

——

GDLT - Guarding Dogs Lose Themselves - Consisting of Lost Dog, Dog Tags, and Dog Fight, it’s my main fallout 4 oc’s, RT/Paladin Rattail’s, backstory

Abbreviations: GDLT, LD, DT, DF

Tag: #Guarding Dogs Lose Themselves

——

ATKTH - Ain’t that a kick in the head - Consisting of How Lucky Can One Man Be and Ain’t Love a Kick in the Head, aka my fnv courier Coon’s story n stuff

Abbreviations: ATKTH, HLM, ALK

Tag: #ATKTH

——

RR - Ram Rot - my stupid little silly little edgy mostly robot guys Altern and Thrasher, little sex bot and War bot guys I made entirely for fun and then proceeded hit them with the angst beam

Abbreviation: RR

Tag: #Ram Rot

——

MG - Murderous Ghosts in Abandoned Apartments - my freshmen year English creative writing assignment in which was supposed to revolve into a slow burn story but idk when I’ll pick it back up

Abbreviation: MG

Tag: #MG

——

OH - Oleader/Hex/My little guy in VSMP - My little guy for a server I play on, they’re a little mooshroom ex god

Tags: #Oleader/Hex, #VSMP

——

EXDS - Extended Dead Stars - it’s just extra DS content from different characters, specifically the only story is revolving around a mer guard named Scourge, and a Vex named Torvus, this stuff is also set in Mincera

Abbreviation: EXDS

Tag: #EXDS

SGM - SciGM - Silly Sci-Fi gmod story I made, I’ll probably make this into a few little comics

Abbreviation: SGM

Tag: #SciGM

More oc stuff to be added in the future, also once I finally post stuff about my ocs, because I am notoriously bad at it, I’ll attach links to the tags

My Aus

This is mostly for tag abbreviations I guess

HLVRAI:

HLVRAIMM: Hlvrai Monster Mash - Halloween guys/ they’re all monsters/creatures

Rotting Code/Rot: code is fucked up and rotting and like game not doin so goodly

HL2au: hl2 au which technically came before the teaser but I revamped it afterwards, fucked up dr Coomer final boss

Alien science team: They all alien boys

Gravity Falls:

5 years late au: Stanley is 5 years late to Gravity Falls

This baby is so much still under construction but I cannot for the life of me remember what else I wanted to put here so yeap this is the end of it

I’ve left this fuckin post in the drafts too long now so it’s gettin posted

I’ll finish it later

[floraone]

So, September is coming up, and with it smutember, and we’re doing it again! (At least I hope you’re with me, lol).

Just like last year, it runs alongside to the official daily word prompts on the official smutember blog: Smutember is an event that runs all throughout September for all fandoms. The following is meant as an addition, not a replacement. If you want to do daily prompts, please use the official words prompts (linked above). However, since daily prompts can be a bit intimidating (especially for a fandom corner that’s 25+ years old like ours and people in it have busy lives), as the resident smut advocate in our fandom, I again customized an alternative that can still incorporate the official themes.

Just like last year, down below you have a list of TROPE AND THEME PROMPTS. They’re a remix of sorts of last year’s tropes, with some you’ve seen before and some new ones, meant to spark a variety of ideas. The idea is that with these you can post once (or twice) per week instead of daily.

Be it for fanart or fanfic or any other sort of fanwork, tropes can be combined, (and they can be combined with the daily themes too), whatever floats your boat. Also, specifically: This event isn’t Usamamo-centric only. I will reblog any Sailor Moon content of any pairing as long as it follows the rules! (See below)

The aim of this event is to create sex-positive content together that celebrates a healthy depiction of consentual sexuality. Erotic fanfiction is a beautiful art, especially in a fandom of ours so largely cultivated by women and for women, as well as a strong inclusive focus on queer and gender-queer content and their creators!

What’s new: I’m taking a page out of the mini-bang’s impressive book, and when smutember is over, I will compile all entries that followed the rules into an online-only e-zine! This also means that art that may be too explicit for tumblr can still be included in the e-zine!

Here are the weekly trope challenges:

Reinvent a trope!

WEEK 1 (September 1st - 7th): Pick 1 or 2

🍋 Reunion Sex 🍋 Sex Fails 🍋 Second Chance Sex 🍋 You Talk In Your Sleep 🍋 Unresolved Sexual Tension 🍋 New Old Flame 🍋 Go Seduce My Archnemesis 🍋 Bedsharing 🍋 Sex with the Ex/Break-Up Sex 🍋 In Public 

WEEK 2 (September 8th - 14th): Pick 1 or 2

🍋 Make-Up Sex 🍋 Battle Couple 🍋 Mission Sex 🍋 Work-Out Sex 🍋 Accidental Pervert 🍋 Bathing/Shower 🍋 Pool/Onsen 🍋 Sexual Fantasies 🍋 Blind Date 🍋 Aroused By Your____ (pick a feature) 

WEEK 3 (September 15th - 21st): Pick 1 or 2

🍋 Established Relationship 🍋 “Thank God We’re Alive” 🍋 Caught In The Act 🍋 First Times 🍋 Introduction By Hook-Up 🍋 Pining 🍋 Locked In Together In A Small Space/ Trapped Together 🍋 Huddling For Warmth 🍋 Socially Distanced Sex 🍋 Stupid Sexy Friend 🍋 Caught In The Rain 🍋 Living Food Platter/Eating Off You 🍋 Shunga

WEEK 4 (September 22nd - 30th): Pick 1 or 2

🍋 Mutual Masturbation 🍋 Awkward/Clumsy Sex 🍋 Oh Crap There’s Fanfic Of Us 🍋 Talking In Bed 🍋 Fidelity Test 🍋 Fake-NOT-Dating 🍋 Mindlink 🍋 Sex Games 🍋 Tinder 🍋 Blackout/Quarantine/Disaster Warning/Weathering The Storm

RULES

1. Rating: These fics don’t necessarily need to be M or, in the case of Ao3, E- rated. Obviously, they are very, very welcome to be explicit for this event, but you can also go T-rated and stay in lime or ‘blacked out’-territory if you’re uncomfortable with writing explicit scenes! Both is perfectly and absolutely welcome! This of course also goes for fanart - your fanart may depict sexy scenes, but does NOT have to be explicit! (It can, though! Be aware that for tumblr’s guidelines, when sharing your art first, you may have to clip your images as a sort of preview. The original can then be sent to me privately to include into the e-zine!) 2. Minimum Age of Characters: Since this is a community event, if you do go explicit M rated material: age them up where necessary! So that everyone can be comfortable writing and reading these, let them be 18 at the minimum if they’re going to openly and explicitly wohoo. (16-17 is the global average age of consent worldwide, and also the average age for first sex among girls in many western countries. However, since most fanfic readers are located in the US, where the age of consent is 18, we’re going with 18 so that everyone can be comfortable reading!) If you go for canon fics at a time they are below this age, where you do not want to age up (say you’re going for an episode fix!) please stay in T territory for this event. 3. Off limits: Depictions of sexual acts that contain harmful, violent and non-consenting behaviour with non-consenting individuals (or those that aren’t able to consent, for instance because of their age, or state of mind among else!). If it doesn’t fly by law or the ICD in real life, please refrain from depicting it in the context of this event. This means that dubcon and noncon will not be reblogged for the event, so that people can be safely consuming the content without being triggered. All content will be screened in this regard, and I may contact you regarding trigger warnings. This is not at all to censor content, or that this content is in any form less valid (as long as it is properly tagged and not including characters that aren’t of age), but simply to ensure a safe environment for everyone reading. 4. Tag your triggers. Except the aforementioned limitation of harmful content, nothing is off limits. Explore your kinks! But if you write something that might be offensive to your readers, please tag it. This is ALSO a good way for your readers to find exactly what they ARE looking for! On Ao3 this can be done directly on the fic tags, for FF fics and fic links you can do it here on Tumblr via the fic post tags or in ANs. This is in consideration of your readers. 5. You can obviously post art for this event too. All previous rules apply here, as well. Unfortunately, Tumblr is now against tasteful nudity. That doesn’t mean you can’t link to a deviant art or similar account though, should you want to. And, since this year will include an e-zine at the end of it, all art will still be included fully in it. Here too, please tag your triggers. If you still want to post art on Tumblr, choose a T rated image - clip them where needed, or keep them (semi-)clothed, show us a heated kiss, etc! (Obviously we would love ALL the art and the nude body is a beautiful, wonderful thing, but obviously Tumblr doesn’t agree with us anymore!) 6. Have fun! Celebrate sexuality in an open, sex-positive way with us, try to be unapologetic about your likes while you write this, and appreciate the beauty that comes in the form of content with a largely female-gazing creator-base and audience! Smut in fanfiction has been beautifully put as the subjectification of sexuality (as opposed to  objectification). So let’s celebrate this art form together! 7. Reviews: No one is forced to review. It can be uncomfortable to review a fic that contains sexual acts for any number of always valid reasons. Keep in mind, however, that much like a Burlesque dancer on stage, putting out sexual content can also be very intimidating to an author, and nothing is more discouraging than silence when baring yourself to an audience like this. That being said: Both Ao3 and FF have the option to review in anon mode. That means you have the option to remain anonymous while cheering the author on all the same. Just like the Burlesque dancer, your resident smut authors prefer to go on stage to loud cheering - it makes it all less awkward for them, and feels a little more like a big celebration!

If you’re unsure what sex positivity entails and want to read up, I wrote a post about it here.

This event is not supposed to cause harm. This means that I will screen all content before I reblog it here, and include it in the e-zine. So that everyone of age can feel safe reading the fanworks in the event, dubcon and noncon will not be reblogged and included in the e-zine, and accurate tagging and content warning will be watched. This does NOT MEAN that you cannot post this material: your own desire to write it and someone else’s desire to explicitly read this material are valid. I do not entitle myself to censor. It just means it will not be reblogged and shared through the event so that everyone may feel safe to read to the best of my ability. (But, of course, remember that I, too, might be biased, and not discover subtle forms of it, either. We’re all, in the end, a product of our upbringing and society, and I cannot be completely unbiased.)

During the event, I will be posting all Sailor Moon Smutember contributions in this format on my blog if you @ me to the post.

The official hashtag for the event is #smutember2020 hosted by the official smutember blog. Using it helps people find the content who search for it as well as those who wish to block it!

[calypsoff]

Eighty. Part 2

I find it funny how women just clout chase on my husband, like every time. I am just looking at his post he put up of himself, he’s in the club and it’s a selfie of him and Kyrie Irving and this girl has confidently put we had a good time, who the fuck is she speaking on. He is a married man, I don’t want to comment because it looks petty and a little bit of a downgrade on my side to do that, but it has really riled me up to the point where I just want to scream, Chris is coming back tonight but I will be asleep by then but it’s just pissing me off that they do that. I feel like it’s always at my husband, but I see it a lot to be honest, in Hollywood nobody is faithful and now Chris is just new to the game. They better leave him alone, I text Chris, but he hasn’t messaged me back yet. He could be travelling back, looking over at Rylee in her lounger, she is just playing with her hands while I am being milked like a cow. As soon as Chris told me about this getaway I packed some stuff, Rylee’ things that is because I want to make sure she has everything, I’m going to miss my daughter so much. Do I really want to be away from her actually “god I love you” my phone pinged at the side of me. Picking up my phone and seeing Chris has text me back.

Poppa: Like u said they thirsty idc about them! Just my rabbit

I scoffed, him and that godforsaken name. He has a new pet name for me now and it’s rabbit, I wish I never started eating salad now because of him calling me that. It’s cute though.

Robyn: I know but it’s annoying to me. I don’t like that shit because you’re married to me but anyways are you boarding the flight or what!?

Poppa: Or what? U seem a little tense pls don’t be! I will be back home with u and I can’t wait to go on vacation x

Robyn: Awww a little kiss at the end? You miss me that much

Poppa: yeah I did!! love uuuuuuu xxxxxx all the kisses for u

I grinned, oh god I miss him so much. I want him home now, my phone started ringing. Look at him calling me, answering the call “I want to speak to pookie brown” rolling my eyes “she doesn’t want to speak to you ugly, say that in my ear. What you said on the text?” Licking my lips grinning, he can say it aloud “say what?” Now he’s acting dumb “you sent me a text, read it to me” Chris snorted laughing “I am with people Robyn, you wack. Just read the damn text and let me speak to pookie” looking at Rylee all content with herself “she said no, talk to her assistant” Chris cleared his throat “and who is that?” He questioned “Robyn Fenty, you are speaking to her now nigga” he let out a low chuckle “aight, but I want to fuck my daughter’ assistant” I knew it “so you can say those words but not read the text? Get out of my face” what a dog “I love you! There, but like I was saying is Rylee’ assistant able to send me some nudes? Like a little nipple, something” he’s actually a feign, I don’t know how I’m going to keep him away from me “how dare you say you’re around people but speaking like this? You better be on your own” is he crazy “with my dick in my hand yes” sighing out “you’re a dog” he really is “and you’re a rabbit, but about my daughter’ assistant, do you also breastfeed adults?” I can’t believe I am laughing at his stupidity “just be safe yeah? Get home, bye?” I need to be strict on him “I’m scared, I need soothing too before I get on the flight” trying to keep a straight face “bye Chris!” I spat; my daughter just looked at me “your father is a feign Rylee” placing my phone down shaking my head.

The feeling of seeing my husband in bed with me, I love it. Waking up and seeing him home, that’s what I wanted. Him breathing in my ear, I am happy because I missed him a lot. The bed was feeling a little empty without him so I am glad he is here and home with us, I am sure he said we are going VA today, but I will have to ask. Getting up from the bed and seeing Chris’ suitcase there in the middle of the bedroom “oh good” I said to myself, lots of washing for me but I will do it for him. I am awake before Rylee is awake, I try and aim for that so I can use the bathroom before she screams true house down in the morning. But her feeding times are changing on me too, I need to just enjoy my daughter because she is growing up on me and I’m fearful for next year. I have a lot on plate, and I didn’t think I would be married with a baby too, so when I went onto this venture it was something I didn’t think I would be so quick, I thought I would be single and living my life. I didn’t even think I would be married to Chris so soon, things happened and also my career is full steam ahead, I do not want to miss my daughter growing up though so she will come first and will be with me while I work. Then I don’t want her to spend her life on a jet going places, this is so difficult, and I hate making these big decisions on her life, what if I make the wrong one.

Smiling at my daughter “you actually love watching mommy don’t you, you love watching me cook. Well I’m eating today, egg of course. Toast but taking the crust off, I am fussy like that baby, I don’t fuck with that at all. But that is me, and once that is made, my love will be having her food too” holding her hand “yes my heart; it will be time to have your breakfast too, awwww baby. You are showing mommy your dimple?” Pressing a kiss to her hand “I love you” making my way around the counter, I need to get a knife to get these crusts off “hey, hey, hey” Chris is awake “I woke up and I was looking for Rylee” Chris jogged over to her “oh my god, I was looking for you!? Where did you go eh, oh my god. I missed you” watching him just slobber over her, kissing on her “you are annoying my daughter, you are getting your stubble all in her face” my poor daughter “missed you love” I sniggered at Rylee’ disapproved face, she is not happy at all he did all that “you saw that, she is not happy” I did think she was going to cry but she didn’t, she just wasn’t happy. Watching him walk over to me, cutting the crust from them. Chris placed his arms at the side of the counter at the side of me and closed in on me “you smell nice” trying to suppress my smile “I just got out of bed, desperado” I gasped, he is really rubbing himself against me “Chris don’t bother” putting the knife down “what?” Now he is acting like he ain’t doing anything, he moved his hands to my hips and he fully just humped me and I moved back from the counter “I swear!” Just has Chris was going to touch over my scar I grabbed his hand just in time and played it off turning to him “quit it! Shave your damn stubble and cut your hair” I pointed at him “I missed you” he wrapped his arms around me, kissing on my neck.

I am glad I caught Chris’ hand before he even placed his hand over my scar, I mean it’s not like he would care but I just feel that little insecurity which I hope I do get over it. I know Chris won’t ever care for that scar, but I do, the scar isn’t bad at all. I honestly got to say that it’s not noticeable and it’s just something I feel is there, I don’t know it’s just me. It’s something I feel insecure about, but I will hopefully get over, I have to get over it because Chris and I will be spending los of time together. I am going through my wardrobe trying to get outfits that will look good on me, my body shape has changed, and I need to account for my boobs could leak so I have to take everything “are we going tonight to VA?” I asked “erm a few hours Robyn, I booked the jet for then” of course he did, rolling my eyes “Chris, do me a favour please. You know that suitcase you just used, take your stuff out. Put them in the hamper and bring me the case, I want to use it. And please, you know in Rylee’ room there is a spare baby bag in her walk in closet, just on the floor. In that bag put in as many diapers, wipes, diaper bag, creams as you can. Thank you, we need to also take the milk with us, bottle cleaner with us. It’s not easy anymore just help me” I sighed out, feeling a hand on my head “don’t worry about it Robyn, we got it” smiling lightly, he is the best.

I look a mess; I mean I look stressed, so I put on anything. Sweatpants and a sweatshirt but honestly I am just glad to be out of the house “you have Rylee in the seat yes? She is all strapped into the SUV, you have the ear defenders for her. We don’t know what she will be like with the jet” Chris saluted me “just get in the car Robyn, let’s go. The driver is bored of waiting” Chris climbed into the SUV to sit in the car so I can sit next to Rylee “I am, get in. Thank you” I smiled at the driver “you rushed me, you’re so annoying for that” climbing into the SUV with the baby bag, I don’t even have a bag anymore, it’s just a baby bag but I put a handbag in my suitcase “hey” I looked behind me at Chris, he kissed the top of my head “you’re always worrying and shit, calm down. I feel Rylee has taken my spot though, I have to sit in the back” looking behind me smiling “oh my god, the stroller in there too!?” I spat “uh no” the driver stopped the car “please go and get it” opening the car door “they can take her out, so please” Chris scoffed as he climbed over my legs to get the stroller, I don’t want to forget that now. You need to think of every situation, as grandparents they like to go for walks so the stroller is a good idea, they will have her car seat, I also bought the travel crib so they can put her in there. So many things, they are all Rylee’ too. Outfits for days, I even bought washing powder because in case the one they use aren’t sensitive enough for her, I don’t want her to get a rash, we are going for five days, it’s a lot actually.

I am being so apprehensive with my daughter, like putting the ear defenders on straight away. I am so close to Chris as he made his way up the jet stairs, we have put a blanket over too. I just don’t want her to be sad, she is only three months so it’s a lot for her to go through. I just want to see if she is ok, Chris placed the car seat on the table. Putting the baby bag down, lifting the blanket up and seeing she is awake “hey” I cooed out, Rylee’ lower lip poked out and she cried. I had a nasty feeling she was awake, she doesn’t like the ear defenders “awww no, why is she crying” taking them off, my poor baby is crying real tear “it’s ok” unbuckling her out of the car seat, moving the straps back “sshhh, my love. I am here, it’s ok. Don’t get scared” placing her over my shoulder, my poor baby is so scared “she just didn’t like the ear defenders Chris, put the car seat away Chris for me. I will calm her down and feed her, she will be ok I think. I will put the defenders on her once she goes back to sleep, I don’t want her to be hearing the loud engine when it leaves, so I will be quick” shuffling down the seats, my daughter did not like that at all.

I am just glad to be off that jet, Rylee was ok once we were in the sky, but she doesn’t like the ear defenders at all which is an issue for me because I don’t want her to not be having them on “Rylee really played up didn’t she?” Chris said, he looks tired “she did, it is the first time Chris. For her, for us. So what do you expect, we are new to this Chris. But we will be ok, VA is so much full of greenery. I kind of like it here because of peace but also work wouldn’t be good for here” looking out of the window “VA is dope Robyn, but I am so glad I got my parents in this area and I couldn’t have done it without you rabbit, you made this for me. I appreciate you, gave me a beautiful daughter, you love me, you adore me. Hold me when I am down, I appreciate you” look at him, he is being so sweet to me “foot massage tonight?” Chris laughed “I miss your feet though; I miss sucking on them toes. Your feet are nice as hell ma” he doesn’t like to admit to having a foot fetish, but he does have one, it’s nice though that he does.

I feel so bad that I have bought half of Rylee’ closet to VA, I am actually awful that I have done this but it needs to happen, you never know what will go wrong “I really love this home Chris” stepping out of the SUV “nice isn’t it” Rylee is asleep in my arms still luckily, she is at peace now we have landed “it’s cold though “put the blanket over her” I didn’t think this through “did we bring a coat, I don’t think we did. Well I did” making my way to the door “I will bring the stuff up Robyn, the driver said he will get the stuff out” Chris said walking behind me, I want to get inside now because it’s very cold out here. Chris is excited, he ran ahead of me and started banging on the door and then rang the bell “Chris, why do you have to be this way” frowning at him, I stopped behind him “I want them to open the door, my daughter is cold, my wife is too” the door open, Clinton looked shocked “Christopher?” he said confused, “who is it Clinton?” Joyce said, “hey dad!” Chris stepped inside, I have a feeling the parents didn’t know we was coming “oh my god, what a surprise? My grandbaby” I am going to murder Chris, they don’t know.

[cockbiteproductions]

just another person Going Through It with hashtag ryangate lol f

i was going through jeremy’s twitter likes because someone said he liked friend of mine’s tweet about feeling bad for fiona in this situation and i wanted to see it myself. and then i scrolled down and in the older likes was a tweet from ryan qrting the rt account from like october 1st and he had attached a video of him. and the date just struck me as so fucking recent. this was less than a week ago. less than a week ago everything was fine and he was acting like he hadn’t done any of this shit and business was carrying on as normal. and i just viscerally had to close the tab and get up and go outside on a walk.

and i just hate this i hate how deeply ryan was embedded in rt and ah and how many years of memories are tainted now. just a few hours ago i was like oh well maybe ill go watch [an ah video] to make myself feel better but then i remembered i can’t. like even if he wasn’t in it i couldn’t, it all just feels dirty now. i don’t want to in a year from now open up an old ah video and then immediately have to close it because ryan was in it. like going back to old old ah videos and seeing ray in it is a pleasant surprise but seeing ryan would just be. like almost every time i type his name i have to pause and physically shudder. it just fucking sucks. i hate that years of positive memories are now fucked up because of him. god how hard is it to not cheat on your wife with fans.

and i keep going back and forth on being able to laugh about this. like joking to lighten with the fuckery of it all and being glad that he has been exposed for the creepy and cheating fucker he is. like i keep remembering this one tweet i saw that was like “lol rip to everyone who bought a ryan body pillow” and it’s fucking hilarious and i laugh every time i think about it. but then 2 seconds later i remember those people legitimately looked up to him and found him to be a source of comfort. and how fucked up i would be if My Favorites were exposed for something like this and then it just isn’t funny anymore. and it wasn’t like i didn’t like ryan like he was a solid member in the ah cast and i very much liked him in videos and i already feel like shit because of this. so ill see people making jokes about this and laugh momentarily and then think to myself ok stop being fucking rude this isn’t funny stop making jokes about this. even though i was laughing myself a second ago.

but also i feel like just the tiniest smidgen of sympathy for him in having his nudes leaked like. fuck. if that happened to me i would be mortified. and people are making jokes about it and how he looks and it just doesn’t sit right with me like i know he did a terrible thing but god those were still personal and he didn’t deserve nudes of him leaked. like i guess some people could argue it’s retribution for what he did but i’ve never been one for revenge except in the most extreme cases and i know this is bad it’s so bad i understand what he did was terrible i even answered an ask explaining why but this isn’t one of those Most Extreme cases im willing to say that he deserves this.

and also in the comments of that ryan situation video from tessa i kept seeing things that were like “i have no sympathy for you. you knew what you were doing. you knew he had a wife and kids.” and. i understand what kind of point you are trying to make here but truly i don’t think they understand the power parasocial relationships can hold over people. they are your favorite person. you would do practically anything to feel close to them. and especially at that young age. like not to discount the critical thinking skills of a seventeen year old because i mean i was seventeen once and i had a brain but with the idol worship/stan culture and not fully developed brain you cannot possibly think that what she did was entirely of her own. i dont know the word im going for here. i guess of her own volition. that’s not very right but i can��t think of another word right now. like to a small small degree she is culpable for what she did there but not NEARLY anywhere in the ballpark of what ryan did. ryan, in his 30s at the time, married with children, should have absolutely known better and not been recipient &| solicit sex from his fans. they’re just nowhere near the same ballpark of blame in this.

and as for ryan’s tweet like. “i made mistakes.” yeah bro you sure fucking did. mistakes is the weakest word for it i can think of. god again just how fucking hard is it to not cheat on your wife. but the “please stop harassing and threatening my family” like holy shit i am livid that people are doing this. they are the victims of this and people are going after them????? what is wrong with people. everything about this is disgusting.

since i guess i’m just ranting about everything about this right now also in relation to ah’s tweet on monday about cancelling the stream, the quote rts were so fucking wild. like you had people defending ryan and saying that even if the rumors were true, they would continue to stand by him. and then on the other hand people were calling ah cowards for having replies turned off and saying it was classic rt, avoiding the problem. like the news broke literally that previous night. an account is posting actual pornographic material in the replies of tweets about ryan. in what fucking world would they have replies to that tweet on. no way should a social media manager have to deal with that. and it’s been less than a fucking day you can’t say they’re fucking avoiding the problem when you haven’t given them time to actually come up with anything. i’m surprised ryan “resigned” as soon as he did. all of you have 0 fucking brain cells and no sense of nuance and i fucking hate it here.

oh and i keep thinking about how he was the voice for a villain this season of rvb and now i wonder if they’re going to get someone to redo the voice.

also i guess if you continue to post ryan content ill probably unfollow you like i get having a comfort person/character i really do and i get that the vagabond or whatever is almost an entirely separate concept from ryan at this point but i personally cannot handle seeing him on my dash anymore so nothing against you but i don’t want to see it.

[samoannaomas]

Memento Mori...

What a wild concept. I remember that first video popping up in my notifications all those months ago and being intrigued. I've always been so excited to see and latch on to whatever content and project you guys produce and, while I was in this ship of people who had no idea where this was going, I knew then that I'd be there, no matter what. Of course, then, none of us could have predicted what was to come... Cooking with sex toys, nude painting, DIY, the various bits and commentary back and forth... Anything and everything you guys came out with was a rollercoaster of a ride. Those first couple weeks were oops bangers and it was only set to go up from there.

Since subscribing to this video, I've started my final semester of college. There was so much going on at this point that I could almost never watch the videos when they came out, but whether it took me a couple weeks or a couple late nights here and there, I always managed to catch up. In those times, I laughed harder than I've laughed in a long time. I sat on the edge of my seat with the scarier episodes. Some episodes definitely made me cringe, but each and every video had its own personality. The one emotion I didn't really experience until tonight, watching the stream, was sadness. And in honesty, I don't even think it was sadness tonight. I might've cried a little, but it was with a smile on my face as you all talked about how proud you were of each other and of this project. Just seeing how hard you all have worked on this project - Amy, Evan, Lexion, Markus, Rachel, Vincent, every single guest you've had, all the staff that's helped throughout, and of course, Mark and Ethan - I couldn't be more proud to have been here to see this unfold.

The message you guys have emphasized all year really struck a chord with me in this last month. About three weeks ago, I was in a bad car accident where multiple cars were involved, but I was the only one hurt. The day I woke up in the hospital, there were a few things that slowly started to come back to me as things I needed to do. I needed to call my parents. I needed to let my friends know I was okay. I needed to know what happened. But one thing that stuck out to me - and kind of makes me laugh now - I had missed a couple days of Unus Annus. In retrospect, it's such a weird thing to be focused on when I was laying in a hospital bed, barely able to stay awake and still not fully grasping what was going on, but it was so close to the end at that point and I hadn't missed any episodes. It scared me so much that I might miss it at that point that it helped me distract from the fear of what was going on. In a way, it helped me heal.

I clicked into the stream today with the intention of not staying the whole 12 hours. I wasn't sure I'd have time, and the stream is ending at 2 am, which is a little past my recovery bedtime, but I knew I wanted to be here for the end. Now that we're dwindling to the last 5 minutes, I feel proud to have witnessed this. I'm proud of all of you and I'm so grateful, personally for the comfort and message you all have given over this last year. Since my accident, I've thought a lot about what could have happened and how everything could have changed for me in a second. Any one thing could have been slightly different and I wouldn't have survived the year. Death does come for us all. Sometimes it hits us from behind like a speeding pick up truck and you never see it coming. Sometimes you see it coming for 365 days. Whatever happens, though, it does happen, and something I've learned in all of this, is that life is so valuable - so fleeting. We're not guaranteed anything, so if we're still breathing, we have to make the most of this life we have. I hope I never become complacent again. I hope we all learn from this year and we all take these lessons to heart, because in the end, we will all pass on to whatever lies on the other side, and when that happens, I, for one, want to be ready.

So thank you to Mark and Ethan, Unus and Annus, for everything you've given us this year. For the sacrifices you've made and the stories you've told. I hope you get a really awesome night's rest and you wake up tomorrow knowing you did good. While I hope you have many more years to share with us and with those you love, this last year has certainly been inspiring. The channel may be gone, but you made it count while it was here. So as I post this and go to sleep for the night, I'll do so with a smile on my face - excited for whatever adventure awaits tomorrow. Thank you guys again... For everything.

Memento Mori.

Unus Annus.

@markiplier @crankgameplays

[starker-stories]

An Accord (WIS), Chapter 8

I’ll be re-creating my individual chapter posts for An Accord over here on the blog that replaces starkerstories. Until I hit the current chapter, I’ll be posting daily. They’ll have links to both tumblr and AO3 chapter links. I’m sorry if that bothers people who’ve seen this all before in the tag. I’m content to leave all my other fic as AO3 only, but this is my current favorite child, so I’m spoiling it rotten.

This fic is on a weekly update schedule. Hopefully every Friday. More chapters may appear sooner if the writing is going well. Because I have 0 self-control.

Tumblr Chapter Links: ch1, ch2, ch3, ch4, ch5, ch6, ch7, ch8, ch9, ch10, ch11, ch12, ch13 AO3 Chapter Links: ch1, ch2, ch3, ch4, ch5, ch6, ch7, ch8, ch9, ch10, ch11, ch12, ch13

Tags: Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Spider-Man: Homecoming, Anal Sex, Oral Sex, Polyamory Negotiations, Polyamory, Cheating, Past Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, Domestic Nightmare Tony Stark, Reconciliation, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, WinterIronSpider, Happy Ending, Clothed Sex, Domesticity, Peter Parker is legal age in the state of New York, College Student Peter Parker, Takes place about 2 years after Civil War. Closeted Character

Summary: Peter grew very quiet. “Are you going to take him from me?” He tried to keep the shudder out of his breath, the break out of his voice.——————————————————————————————

Chapter 8: Different

Bucky stood apart from the couple. “I’m sorry.”

“For?” Peter asked.

“I shouldn’t have done any of that.” He lowered his eyes. “I knew you were together. I shouldn’t have…”

Peter crossed over to Bucky, reached up and ran his fingers through his hair. “You weren’t the only one who did something, y’know?”

“I started it though. I’ll find another place to stay,” he said quietly, sadly.

“I said we needed to talk.” Tony sat down at the dining table. “‘We need to talk’ does not mean ‘you need to move out’.”

Peter looked back and forth between Tony and Bucky. Bucky looked both crestfallen and terrified. Tony looked more tight and tense than he’d seen him since before he moved in. And there was guilt. So much guilt. Though he imagined there was a fair share of that on his face now as well. What Tony felt guilty for doing to Peter, Peter was also guilty of having done the same to him. Bucky fit into that equation somewhere. But Peter hadn’t been forced to go along with what Bucky did, and he doubted Tony had either. He could’ve said ‘no’ that first time. Or any of the times, including that afternoon, since.

But in the moment… Peter loved Tony so much that it felt like his entire heart could burst with it. Like his entire body was singing. Nothing about that had changed. Bucky didn’t make him feel like that. But he did make him feel something. At first he thought it was just sex. The way Bucky described it: ‘what’s a little head amongst friends’. But even then, even that first time, when it was just ‘amongst friends’, Peter felt something. Something warmer than the friendship he had with MJ or Ned. Something cooler than the love he had with Tony. Something.

Bucky went and sat in what had become his place at the dining table. Peter looked between them again.

“No,” he said, determinedly. “No,” he said, more tenderly.

“We need to talk, Peter,” Bucky said, his voice still quiet, his voice still sad.

“We do. Just not here.” He walked over to the table and stood between the two men. “It’s too… cold.” He furrowed his brow. That wasn’t the right word. “Too… clinical.” That wasn’t the right word either. He gave up on words and took one each of their hands in his. He walked backwards, away from the table.

Bucky and Tony stood to follow, though they both thought the trio was headed to the sofa and started in that direction. Only to be pulled away and led down the hall.

“Talk, not fuck,” Tony said. “That’s what got us into this situation.”

“You can do more than fuck in a bed, Tony. I know that might be a new concept.” Peter grinned.

Peter kicked off his shoes, tugged off his socks, and lost his pants, leaving himself in a t-shirt and boxer briefs. “Get comfy, but not naked.” He climbed onto the bed, grabbed a pillow and the small throw at the foot of the bed. Propping himself up on his side, he got ‘comfy’.

Tony stripped down to his boxers. He sat cross-legged on the bed, down around where Peter had his knees bent. Bucky took off his shoes and socks, then hesitantly climbed into bed, otherwise fully clothed.

“Nope,” Peter said, looking at him.

Bucky finished getting into the bed, still dressed. He sat much like Tony was. He and Tony made two points and Peter made a long side to a triangle. An appropriate shape, he thought.

When he and Steve slept together, Steve slept nude and Bucky slept pantsless. Never shirtless. They never showered together, not even after sex. Steve had seen him shirtless, of course, but not often and never for long.

After he was sitting comfortably, Bucky peeled off his shirt and tossed it onto the pile of everyone else’s clothes. Neither Peter nor Tony stared. Nor did they deliberately look away. They… nothinged.

“I’m sorry,” Bucky began.

“I’m not,” Tony said quietly.

Peter raised an eyebrow.

“I’m sorry that I hurt you, if I did, Peter.” Tony reached out and put one hand on Peter’s knee. “That I am sorry about.” He reached out and put his other hand on Bucky’s knee. “What I’m not sorry about…” He was vastly sexually experienced. He’d fucked many different combinations of people in many different numbers. But this wasn’t that.

“I’m not sorry about the way it felt running my fingers through your hair,” Tony said tenderly. “I’m not sorry about the way you felt relaxing in my lap. I’m not sorry about the contented little sounds you made when you went down on me. I’m not sorry about the way you, at first, tensed when I wrapped my fingers around your cock through your pants and then felt you completely give yourself over to it. The way I got to feel all of that…” He looked Bucky in the eye. “All of that fear falling away. And god, I am so not sorry about the way you fell on me when you were riding me. The way you clung to me. The way I held you. The way I felt you take what you needed and give me that pain.” Tony let his hands fall back into his lap and looked at them lying there. “I’m not sorry about any of that.”

He looked at Peter. “I’m sorry if that hurt you. I’m so in love with you, Peter. But I… I have different feelings for Bucky.”

“Pity.” Bucky’s voice was sad and bitter.

“No.” It was Peter who corrected him. “Not pity. Not the same thing I feel for Tony. That’s… that’s beyond words. But what I feel for you… that’s not pity.” Peter reached across the space between them and touched Bucky’s right, flesh, hand. “There’s… sadness there. But that’s not out of pity…” He played with Bucky’s fingers as he tried to figure out his words. “It’s out of caring about you. When you care about someone, you don’t want to see them hurt. You don’t want them to have ever been hurt before.” He looked up at the man. “When you find me having a nightmare, when Tony’s not here, do you hold me because you pity me?”

“Of course not.”

“Do you…” He wasn’t so sure that the next answer was going to be what he wanted to hear. “Hold me only because that’s what I need to calm down?”

Bucky reached out and brushed a curl from Peter’s forehead, like he did when Peter was trying to fall back asleep. “It’s because I care about you and it hurts to know you’ve been hurt.”

There was a silence as they all thought about what had been said.

“Are you in love with me?” Tony asked, turning toward Bucky. He was aware that he was the point on which this, the three of them, seemed to pivot, despite Bucky being the one they’d both been having sex with.

“I… I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?” Peter asked. “Or you think you shouldn’t say?”

“Both,” Bucky said after a long pause. “I know that I’m happier with you… with both of you… than I ever actually was with Steve. Than I think I ever could’ve been once we started again.” He paused again. “I think I loved a Steve that didn’t exist after… what he became. Not that he became stronger, that he wasn’t sick anymore, that he was big, not those things. It was… He played a role on stage when he was drumming up support for war bonds. When he finally went into battle… when he started leading the Howling Commandos… Steve was gone and all that there was was the role. That’s only gotten worse.

“So I don’t know if I love you. Either of you. Both of you. Or if there’s just…” Bucky closed his eyes and sighed.

“A void,” Tony provided.

“So I don’t know about love. But I know about care. And I know there’s something… That’s why that never happened again.”

“The two of you fucked,” Peter said, trying to keep an even tone. ‘A little head amongst friends’, like Bucky had said… it surprised him, but that didn’t make him jealous at all. Fucking… the things that Tony described… he was torn. He wanted Bucky to feel that. He knew how it felt. How safe he felt in Tony’s arms when they fucked. How overwhelmed he could get and how that overwhelmingness… it didn’t make everything all right. Things weren’t that simple. But it, at least during his waking hours, the security of it… it healed. He wanted Bucky to know that feeling. But that was his.

Peter grew very quiet. “Are you going to take him from me?” He tried to keep the shudder out of his breath, the break out of his voice.

“Oh Peter, no. Not ever. I don’t ever want to do that,” Bucky said.

“No one ever wants it when it starts.” Peter couldn’t open his eyes.

“Baby…” Tony rocked himself forward and pulled Peter into his lap. “This is over if it hurts you. I won’t ever leave you. I won’t ever hurt you. Baby… you’re… my everything.”

Peter pulled his head out of Tony’s neck. His face was tear-streaked, but he’d stopped crying. He smiled at Bucky. “When he holds you like that…” He rested his head against Tony’s chest while he kept smiling at Bucky. “It’s… safe.” He reached his hand out to the man and held it there until Bucky took it in his metal hand.

He looked up at Tony. “I want not to mind it. I want Bucky to have that. I want him not to run away and be afraid of it the next time it happens.” Peter shuddered. “But Tony, if you leave me, I’ll die.”

“Not gonna happen, baby.” Tony put a light kiss on Peter’s lips. “It might be a fucked up one, but how can I live without my heart?” He put Peter’s other hand, pressed palm flat, over his arc reactor.

Peter looked between the two men. “I don’t want to be there. I mean I wouldn’t mind, but I don’t need to be there, but… I think I might like it if one of you told me after it happened? I don’t know if that will help. This is all so much ‘I don’t know’. But if one of you tell me… I can be more happy for the two of you and maybe not so scared. And it won’t feel like you’re… cheating. God that’s ridiculous. Because of course it’s all cheating…”

“It’s not if we don’t lie, Peter. Lies make things cheating. Lying since it started… that’s probably my biggest regret.”

“Mine as well,” Bucky said. “I never wanted to lie to you, Peter. Or you, Tony. I know how much Steve’s lies hurt you.”

Tony sighed. He didn’t know why those lies hurt so much and this didn’t. “This isn’t like that… doesn’t feel like that… I don’t know why.”

“Who was first?” Peter asked, looking at Bucky.

“Tony. Then you two days later. After, it’s been more-or-less balanced.” He smiled at Peter. “You’re more difficult. You’re not home as much when he’s not.”

Peter laughed. This was all much easier to take sitting in Tony’s lap. He turned a little to the side and held his arm open. Bucky slid closer and Tony balanced on his other arm, letting the man find a spot to rest his head on his thigh.

“So,” Tony said, putting a kiss on the side of Peter’s head and shifting around until he could run his fingers in Bucky’s hair. “This seems to work… at least a little. But there are some jealousies,” he added. “Peter wants to know when we fuck. You, Pretty?”

“Oh, I’m the guest in this situation,” Bucky said.

“That doesn’t mean you don’t have feelings about it all.”

“Keep playing with my hair,” Bucky grinned up at Tony. “I really do get gone from that. Even when I wore it short. You lied to me.”

“When?” Tony said, shocked.

“When you told me you didn’t like your hair played with.”

“I don’t.”

“Uh huh,” Bucky and Peter said, disbelievingly, in unison.

Tony rolled his eyes. “God when Pretty and Beautiful gang up on me, I’m not gonna stand a chance.”

“Can I sleep in here with you both sometimes? Even if we haven’t done anything?” Bucky asked, after a pause.

“I’d really like that,” Peter said.

“Yeah,” Tony agreed. “Anything done or not. It’s a big bed.”

“It’s the size of my whole damn apartment back in Brooklyn.”

“It is not,” Tony countered.

“Damn near.”

“It’s his former orgy bed,” Peter teased.

“Okay. Bucky likes his hair played with… no surprises there. And he’d like to sleep with us. And… as long as we tell Peter, I’d like to fuck you again if you’d like that.”

“Yes please.”

“Do you just like to get fucked?” Peter asked. “Or do you like fucking too?”

“I’m fairly vers. I like getting fucked a little bit more, but it’s not a one or the other thing with me.”

“It is with me,” Peter said. “I haven’t ever felt the desire to fuck anyone. Even with our horizons broadened, that’s still the case. Is that okay, Bucky? That I’m not gonna want to fuck you?”

“Would you like me to fuck you?” Bucky asked. “If Tony’s okay with it?” They both looked at Tony.

“Peter’s never been with anyone but me,” Tony explained. “I’ve gotta think…” he said slowly, letting the words trail off into a pause. “Would ‘if I’m there’ work for you both? Not just telling me about it. I’d want…” He bit his lips. This was all so unusual. To even consider the possibility of sharing Peter. He was probably the most possessive person in the universe. It didn't bother him that Bucky had been going down on Peter as long as he’d been doing it to him. But fucking was more… intimate. “I have to be there,” he finally said, having come to a conclusion. “Are you both willing to do that? Because, otherwise, no.”

“I told you, I’m the guest here,” Bucky said. “I’ll do whatever you say.”

“Stop it,” Peter said. “You’re the third, yes. I’ll agree that’s the situation we’re in… we seem to be in… But you have a say.”

“Whatever happens,” Tony said, “we all have to agree. Lies are the absolute hard limit for me. Don’t tell me that something’s okay and then have it fester and twist into lies.”

“I’m okay with you being there if I fuck Peter.” He cast his eyes downward. A hint of a smile played at his lips. “I think…”

Peter smiled. “I think we both like it that way.”

Bucky looked up at him and met his smile. “Yes.”

“Peter, I know you don’t have any experience with any of this, not just trying to work out a relationship, but just… in bed with multiple partners. Bucky? Do you?” Tony asked.

“Winter did. Often,” Bucky said with distaste. “But me? When there was more than one, you ever saw them again after the party was over,” Bucky explained. “Or if you did, you never acknowledged it because it was dangerous. It was… a different time.”

“So you don’t even really have experience with…” Tony sought for the words. He knew what the sorts of parties Bucky described were like amongst closeted men. But he also knew what it was like to have multiple partners in your bed that you didn’t shy away from in fear after you came. Who stayed the night in your bed and you woke up in a tangle of bodies, kissing whoever happened to be laying next to you before the writhing mass became entangled again. And to have that go on for an entire weekend.

“Experience with affection and multiple partners,” Tony explained. “But a relationship… None of us have ever navigated those waters. Not even me. The longest an orgy ever lasted was…” he looked at the ceiling to compare the memories of the events. “Eight and a half days. Though the number of guys varied as they came and went. With girls it was three, and I was more of a… voyeur. With a mix, it was five.”

Both Peter’s and Bucky’s eyes went wide.

“Jesus fucking Christ, Tony,” Peter exclaimed.

Tony grinned. “It was a well earned reputation. I needed a big bed.”

Bucky laughed. “We defer to you expertise.”

“No shit,” Peter added, laughing along.

“You don’t fuck for that long without there being long periods of just… lying about and getting snuggly. If some people in the bed were more there for a chance at getting to a certain someone, little jealousies popped up. Little ones, because…” Tony shrugged. “Even eight and a half days isn’t very long for that stuff to really happen. And I guess if someone got too bent out of shape, they left. I never noticed.

“But this…” He ran his finger down Bucky’s arm and tightened his hold around Peter’s waist. “Jealousies are gonna happen. The minute anybody lies about it, this ends for me. Which, if Peter wants to stay with me, means it ends for him too. Sorry baby. I know that doesn’t sound fair, but you know that’s how I work. You knew that from the beginning. I’m possessive as fuck.”

Tony looked down at Bucky. “And damn, Pretty, if you don’t make me feel just a little bit possessive too. But if you ever do find a certain someone who’s like Peter for you, I’ll let you go, okay? Not because I don’t care about you or I don’t want you, but because I want you to be happy. Meanwhile… If you’re gonna park that pretty piece of tail in this bed, this bed is it. Me and Peter. As long as this goes on, the three of us are exclusive.” Tony ran his fingers through Bucky’s hair. Hey, no one ever said he played fair. “Is that okay?”

“You feel possessive about me?” Bucky said, a confused look on his face.

“Yeah, Pretty. I am a greedy, possessive, demanding fuck. What’s mine, I like to stay mine. We can talk about looser things as long as everything’s kept oral. But if I’m gonna fuck you. If we’re gonna share what that was. That’s gotta be mine.”

“I…” Bucky’s blue eyes were dark when he looked up at Tony. “Yeah. That’s yours.”

“Don’t worry, Pretty,” Tony said tenderly, still threading his fingers through Bucky’s hair. “I take care of Beautiful, I’ll take care of you too. Two strong men who could break me like a twig, but who I’ll keep safe because that’s what all three of us are looking for from each other.” He leaned his head against Peter, and his hand slid down Bucky’s back, firmly holding him.

Tony drew a deep, shuddering breath and paused. His voice broke when he spoke. “Peter, I love you. God baby, I love you entirely. But Bucky… there aren’t words. The vocabulary isn’t deep enough. It’s not what I feel for Peter. But it’s so not friends-with-benefits either. It’s… a different kind of love, I guess. I love you Peter. God, I never thought I’d say this, but I love you different, Bucky.”

They sat together for a long while. “Is that okay, beautiful?” Tony asked Peter.

Peter sighed. “Yes.” He reached down and slipped his fingers into Bucky’s hair alongside of Tony’s. “We love you different, but we love you.”

[tae-kun]

If the Main Reason why you log onto Tumblr is for Porn, then you don’t understand what made Tumblr special in the first place

Tumblr is not a Porn Site

It was never intended to be, so for the people that are saying stuff like “Tumblr never supported our sex work anyway” you’re 100% correct. Being allowed to post Pornography isn’t the same as being a source for it. Over the years Tumblr has been ran rampant with porn to the point that content creators that did other stuff that didn’t relate to porn slowly started to go to other platforms; Since their work was being overshadowed by the sheer volume of porn and they struggled to get any attention on their work.

You people are acting like Tumblr is attacking sex workers as if this was their main and only place to earn money for their work.

There are porn sites that are made to promote AND support sex workers. Hell PornHub will pay people for their sextapes and has multiple systems in place for them to make money off Ad revenue alongside having a tip system, content protection and other stuff

Anyone that was serious about their sex work would have been using sites like this instead of relying on Tumblr as a main source of revenue or promotion.

Tumblr is a trash place to try to promote anything! Constant spamming of bots and tags, No reliable Notification system or way for your followers to see you’re new posts out of the sea of reblogs. So to act like these new changes are going to serious kill anyone that is in the sex work is flat out outrageous.

Hell a majority of the popular porn that was on here wasn’t even from amateurs making videos on here. People were taking porn from porn sites and making blogs centered around it and would constantly flood their blogs with this content which would then, overshadow any amateur worker on here that made their own work; since they had no to even compete with the constant bombardment of daily new stuff that these blogs were taking and using.

People would steal other peoples videos and get popular of it without even crediting the original creator and would even go as far as to SELL these videos and make more money of it than the actual people in the damn video.

So Tumblr was never an ideal place for sex work to begin with, so throw that excuse out. Most people only used Tumblr to promote their private snapchat or onlyfans account which you can still do in a regular selfie or post. There are thousands of people on Instagram making hundreds and thousands of dollars doing the same thing and they don’t have one titty out on their page. Just tight clothing and skimpy outfits.

If you’re really upset that you can’t watch porn on here after Dec 17

At first it was funny seeing people joke about the porn being gone. But some of y’all are really upset and mad that you need to actually go to a porn sites to watch porn???

Some of y’all don’t even post nudes or create anything that could be considered sexual and y’all saying “ima delete my blog since tumblr is trying to silence me”

(Side Note: Just because your post got flagged doesn’t mean it will be deleted. They already said stuff like this would happen as they added in this new system. So mistakes like these are bound to happen and will most likely be fixed in a week or so and have no negative affect on your blog. Y’all really acting like Tumblr is out to silence your love for cats and landscapes 🙄)

Like i said before there are plenty of sites to watch porn on and if your favorite sex worker is serious about their job then you will see them on there. Which only makes things easier for both of you. But lets be honest, most of y’all just like the idea of seeing porn without having to actually look for it, like it’s some nasty secret. On Tumblr you couldn’t escape porn even if you searched things that were unrelated to it. Tumblr gave you guys the perfect cover up for it and you guys went overboard with it and here we are. People are so quick to compare this issue to other Tumblr problems but there was never a issue as big as people with dick profile pics dming you no matter who you were (kids or adults)  and sending you nude pics; then Porn Bots popped up under everyone’s post no matter if you had the safety lock on or not.

You guys made hundreds of post saying how much you hate porn blogs getting tens of thousands of notes in agreement about it, You guys would put “no porn blogs allowed” in your description box or something similar in meaning.

And now when Tumblr puts a system in place to directly remove it, you guys try to back pedal and claim that it will kill sex workers, freedom of speech and sexuality based off opinions, assumptions and things that aren’t even in the policy change.

Some of y’all honestly suggested “Just add a age verification system” as a way to fix the porn issue.... That shit ain’t never worked since 2002! I got so use to lying on those things that i sometimes forget that i’m grown and that i don’t need to put “01/11/1975″

The only people that this severely hurts are

1a) People that steal porn from other sites to use on their blog to get followers, to then try sell promo slots

1b) People that are stealing other sex workers content and illegally selling them

2) Child Porn Blogs

THAT’S IT

And Honestly is that really a bad thing? Getting rid of people that were stealing other peoples stuff and making money off it and pedophiles.

The way tumblr was set up allowed blogs like these to thrive without any risk, outside of getting their blog deleted (just to make a new one) and it only continued the flood of porn which became the breeding grounds for Porn Bots

Tumblr is suppose to be a place to freely express all forms of art, ideas, and conversations. But because of the nonstop flood of porn, most people only know it for Porn and Emo kids. Which brings me back to my original statement

This isn’t a Porn Site

Porn became so over flooded on here that you didn’t even need to search to find it. All you had todo is take off the safe lock and search anything, even a city. There would be hundreds of porn pics and videos in every slot. And before you say “well just keep the safety lock on”

Any content that had cursing, fighting or even slight nudity got put behind there. So unless you were just on here for kpop, aesthetics and Steven Universe you weren’t really seeing anything different with that lock on.

( Another Side Note: For you people trying to compare the porn flood to white supremacy blogs need to stop it. All the time i’ve been on here i have never NEEEVVVEEER accidentally came across any pro white supremacy post or blog unless it was someone exposing them and their stupidity which would then cause them to delete their blog. If you are constantly seeing anything Pro Nazi, Pro White Supremacy, Pro homophobia or anything similar that supports bigotry; then you are actively searching for it and follow these people. These blogs don’t even make up 5% of the content seen on here with or without the lock. So trying to say that Tumblr supports these blogs since they’re still around is Mr. Fantastic level of reaching. These blogs have never been a serious issue to the point that Nazi Bots were created saying “Hate jews and blacks clck here for more ;)”. So stop this weak comparison.)

I created a Tumblr and made it one of my main platforms to create content on because of the communities and people i found on here.

I found Great stories and Dope artist on here. I found people being able to fully express themselves and find an audience for them that helped share their work through a simple reblog. But if you’ve been noticing or have been on here long enough, most content creators don’t use Tumblr as their main platform to create or promote their content anymore. And why would they?

People barely activate their notifications for blog updates, It’s hella hard to find an audience through the constant reblogging of already popular stuff From Vine and Twitter, people rarely go outside of tumblr to support peoples stores or websites. Hell most artist on here that become popular on here that get continued support are the ones that have made or continue to make some kind of pornography of real or fictional characters. It’s hella rare to find any artist that hasn’t made any porn, that is equally popular or supported like the ones that have; which just goes back to people thinking Tumblr is for porn.

Tumblr isn’t even against the idea of expressing yourself or art through nudity as their post and policy change explicitly explained. And people’s content that’s getting flagged that doesn’t go against that policy is a problem THAT THEY SAID WOULD HAPPEN as they get everything in order with their new system

All of these long post that people are writing about it that and they themselves forgot to do some basic reading on the topic. 

Tumblr Staff- “Certain types of artistic, educational, newsworthy, or political content featuring nudity are fine. Don’t upload any content, including images, videos, GIFs, or illustrations, that depicts sex acts.

This isn’t an attack on people’s ability to speak out or embrace themselves. They are directly trying to remove Porn which they won’t be able to fully do, even Instagram and Twitter can’t do that; no public site with millions of people can. But they’re at least trying to get rid of the constant overflow of it. 

It’s so sad to see hundreds and thousands of you saying “i only used Tumblr for porn” because that just shows how derailed this site has become and why Tumblr had to make these extreme decisions especially after being removed from app stores because of the child pornography.

If you’re going to leave because you can’t make porn on here: I can see why you would do that but there is no reason to. You can still use your blog to promote your stuff and make teases of your work that can be found or bought else where. Tumblr was never a reliable place for sex work and i highly recommend using Sites that will actually protect your work and put some money in your pockets while doing it

If you’re leaving because you can’t watch porn on here: You probably weren’t supporting anyone really and only made the influx of porn worse, making it harder for other content users to be seen. If you were supporting actual sex workers on here then continue to do so, I’m sure anyone serious would have more than just tumblr as their main platform.

For those that got popular and made money off other people sex work: So long and farewell

For the Child Porn Blogs: Hope you get mental help or burn. Either or is fine with me

For the people that may get upset by this: Correct me, Prove me wrong, Let’s have a whole serious discussion about this and hear each others side with no fighting or disrespect :D 

For all of Us: Lets actually support and help the people that really make Tumblr the gem that it is. Lets make this platform be known for creative people and unique ideas; and communities that actually comfort and understand us. Let’s actually make this platform something that’s known for more than just Porn and Emo Kids.

Regardless i hope that everyone can calm down and act like there’s more here than just porn..

[cxncordia]

So, am I still in hiatus?

Sorta.

First of all, what happened?

Last night, on the gay smut server, I gave a “gossip” about a topic that came up: it was something I have heard from another friend regarding the topic. And from there on invoked a discussion about social issues in media. My big problem with these discussions of social issues in media is that they tend to turn into a “woke metric” to see which shows deserve more laurels for being more “woke”. After the discussion happened and I was online again, I mentioned my opinion. Sarcastically, sure, but an honest opinion nonetheless. Somebody else mentioned how what I said had nothing to do with the topic and then I elaborated again on it. I stood by my point on a second paragraph, mentioning that things needed to be looked at in context. I didn’t want to keep on discussing, so I went ahead and deleted those messages because, there was no real reason for them to be kept there.

After this discussion I went to get a haircut, but I noticed I could not reach one but two of the indie roleplaying servers I was inside. I thought it was an error, but still asked a friend about it.

Turns out that I was banned. 

When I came back from my haircut my friend sent me screenshots of the discussion that happened. Not only was I banned, but I was made out an exhibition and there were some other people adding in very nasty things and unfounded actions that supposedly I did. 

I was mad, so for that very reason I came back here, put everything on hiatus and took a step off. I was very close to delete because this is the last straw on a series of times that this shit happened.

But after taking a moment, reading a few books that I have on this kind of situation and taking a moment to myself, I decided that no, I was not going to take a hiatus. One, I like writing and this is something that is inherently me. Two, I have friends in here that I like to keep on touch with and people that were interested in my well being. Three, there’s a lot to be said here and I will use this space to say it.

---

I admit discussions like this aren’t that uncommon in the server and I usually have strong opinions about them. I have also differing opinions at times and I mention them. I admit not having always the best words or sometimes being very sarcastic. Maybe something gets lost in the translation when I’m not being sarcastic? (Because I think a lot of people forget that English IS my second language) Maybe it’s my way of being? It’s not the first time I’ve been called “abrasive” or “combative”. 

But it’s also something that I admit I like about being me. As a gay man growing up in a hyper macho family, inside a city that kills people for less than pennies and in a country that still repaints white over rainbow walk lines on the roads during Pride, being combative is the only way of being. Letting someone walking over you is just not an option. And while I admit this is not an excuse, there is also a lot of misjudgement here. You’re also forgetting that I come from a generation that did not have any rights whatsoever and that could not do what many can do now. Gays in my time were a plot twist, a side note, or a thing you translated as “cousins”. So yes, I’m combative. 

The server is also forgetting that many times this combative behavior has helped me and them. Or how many times my response came out of provocation. Once when dealing with a horrible troll that was taking screenshots out of our server, creating unnecessary drama and targeting another rper. And another time when I went to the admin asking him to remove a very aggressive roleplayer in the past (who took everything literally and made every single discussion about them). The first time I had to close the server because I was not going to have someone like that. The second time I was told by the admin that they were onto “doing something.” I don’t know if they did or not, but the rper left on their own hand.

Same thing when I was the admin of the server: I had to be there, settle a bunch of discussions and arguments directly with the individuals starting them, from having to face the “selfie leak” (where people were posting their nudes) and the “actor leaks” (where people were posting actors leaks) as well as facing some racist and misogynistic roleplayers. To do all that, I needed that “combative” spirit in order to get down to the bottom of things and set things on their right place for the good of everyone. So yeah, my combative behavior has helped me and has, to a degree, helped the server. 

I will admit that I’m aggressive. But I will also admit that I’m not stupid or rigid. When conversing with others and expressing their needs I’m the first one to adjust to their needs as best as I can. And that when being told that I need to correct something, I can do it (as long as within my limits, of course). And when admitting mistakes, I’m also the first one to do it. (Hence the reason to this post). That said: I think I was unjustly banned. I was not given a direct warning and I was blindsided. But I will not go down the rabbit hole of “conspiracy”, it this is true then to each their own.

The combative behavior is only half the problem and that’s on me, I will admit it. But there is also another half of the problem that needs to be addressed.

The other part is the fact that some people just don’t have the skills to call someone up on their “problematic” behavior and instead gang up together and come from behind. The other part of the problem resides in people preferring to adjust others to their experience than to take control of their own comfort (I admit that blocking someone up in discord is difficult because you only see big blocks of text, but hey, you still have control over your experience).

The other part of the problem definitely lays on the fact that the admin didn’t warn me directly at all before the ban came. The times it was done indirectly were so subtle I did not notice and that there was no reason to have been made a show after the ban. (Because also, the server is forgetting the times they “teased” me for being “old” or liking certain things. How they were aggressive and I punched back in retaliation. Are they banning these players on “lack of respect and rudeness” too?)

So with this in mind, some things need to be done:

I apologize to anyone who had a hard time because of my opinions. I admit not seeing how my words could be aggressive and how my behavior probably hurt you. On that, I acknowledge my actions and I’m sorry for hurting you. Know that it was not personal and when it was, it was probably taken privately. That said I still believe that you should do what’s best for you and take matters into creating your own positive experience (like blocking someone you don’t wanna read). I admit that it may be difficult on a place like a public discord server, and for that I apologize as well.

I apologize to anyone who was scared or that I ignored last night. I am sorry, you deserved better. I had no mind to respond to you so that’s why I was evasive. I hope you can find in yourselves to understand where I was coming from and why I did evade you.

Thirdly I apologize to Alex, the main admin of the gay server. I do not believe you did right. I do not believe you did correctly and that I was unjustly banned, but I will give you that it was better for you this way. You avoided any confrontation and any aggression by not facing me or warning me directly, so I can’t blame you for doing what you did. I apologize to you for releasing the content of our conversations. I don’t think I released anything private, but still, that was petty AF of me. At this moment, I still think this was unjust, but maybe in a month or a year I will not even look back at this opinion or give it as much weight as I’m giving it now. So for now, this “hollow” apology is probably the best I can come up with. 

That said, I am a firm believer of making my own experience as comfortable as it is for me, so:

I am now fully private, which means that I’m not taking threads from anyone that I don’t know or haven’t talked through in the past few months. I am sorry, but I don’t want to be open at this moment. 

I am taking it slow. Very slow. So I am making a slow comeback. It’s not fair to those that played with me and had no bearings in the server matter, so that’s why I’m returning. But I’m gonna go as easy as I can. 

There’s a big chance that I’m restricting myself from playing with anyone associated with that server. I know that this is my pettiness again. So, I’m going to put on hold the threads of the people that I know are in the server and ask myself of this rule in a week to see how I feel. 

I am not exposing my opinion on tons of matters and it’s very likely that I will unfollow those blogs that I know do a lot of these commentaries. I’m also unfollowing rpers who do tons of OOC posts. My problem is that I’m a very reactive individual that when reading something that is BS or simply doesn’t sit right with me, I will speak up. I realize that yeah, not everybody wants to read my opinion, but also that there’s a lot of misinformed people that I enjoy correcting. So, for both of our sakes I am doing something there.

So, lesson learned?

It’s too early to call it that. And it’s too early to call an epiphany. But know that I will keep my truth as best as I can and I will focus on cherish the people that do love me and support me.

[bigskydreaming]

Tbh, another part of why I’m so vehemently anti-RPF is like.....one of the first things any legit agent or manager asks an actor when they sign them is if they’re willing to do nude scenes and/or sex scenes. And when there’s an actor whose work you follow cuz you think they’re hot and you notice they’ve never been in any kind of sex scene or even a shirtless scene, that’s not like...by accident, most of the time. 

Because a lot of actors aren’t comfortable with nude scenes. And it doesn’t have nearly as much to do with prudishness or religious reasons or any of that stuff as you might assume. I mean, I have done nude scenes. In some pretty big size productions as in with a full crew. And lemme tell you....they are NOT fun. Or sexy. Or hot. Like, even a little bit, lol.

Cuz like, its never just you and another actor in a bedroom. It’s you and another actor naked or close to naked.....in the middle of like.....forty fully dressed crewmen holding cameras and lighting and sound equipment and acting like you’re not just...naked in front of them, even though you and everyone else are actually super aware that yup, you definitely are. 

And there’s a million lights on you and set lights are HOT, they make you sweat like crazy, and so when you’re doing a lot of takes and getting sweaty from the lights you constantly have people running up to you between takes and like....toweling you off in a completely unsexy way, lol, and reapplying makeup and the whole time they’re not even talking to you but to each other, like you’re not even there, b/c they’re not trying to be rude but they’re in a hurry, they have to do this fast so there’s not really time to strike up a conversation with you while they do it. But its TOO weird to just be doing it in silence so they usually solve that awkwardness by being in the middle of a convo as they run up to you and your scene partner and just keep continuing it before running back.

And the whole time you’ve got a cranky, stressed and taking it out on everyone director yelling at you to basically...be more sexy, lol, with you having to do take after take after take and not even look just as into it as you did the take before, but dig deep and look even MORE into it. Because you wouldn’t still be shooting if you’d already done it right, you’re obvsly ‘not being sexy right’. And gotta say, lol, nothing makes it easier to feel and thus act sexy than an asshole you’d never sleep with in a million years yelling about how he’s not feeling like he wants to fuck you yet or like you want to fuck him yet. And he’s the audience, he says, he’s the people in the seats of the movie theater watching you pretend-fuck on screen, and so if he doesn’t feel like you wanna fuck him, then how do you expect they’re gonna be able to put themselves in the fantasy and feel like you’re talking to them, like you wanna fuck them? Ick.

So I mean....there’s actually a lot of reasons for actors to not want to do nude scenes, both men and women. Or for them to do one and then never do one again. And that’s not even getting into the after part of things, like....the weirdness of spending several more weeks working closely with several dozen people who have all seen you naked, up close and personal. Or the weirdness of knowing who-knows-how-many ppl out in the general public then have seen it too, fantasized about you, with you having no idea who any of them are, if you’d be like...comfortable with them having that level of intimacy with you if you did know who they are...*shrugs* Because there’s not really an easy way around the fact that someone seeing you naked IS a form of intimacy in our society. You’re exposed. You’re....all out there for them to critique or have opinions on or form fantasies about, with no way to reciprocate. And that’s a very weird feeling. That crosses well over into uncomfortable when you factor in that there’s no way to opt out of being seen like that by people you KNOW you wouldn’t want to share that level of intimacy with if it was just you and them.

Like, there’s one closeted actor I knew years ago who grew up in a small conservative town, and early on in his career he did a lot of sex-type scenes, like he was one of those actors who is pretty much always in a state of undress on every show he’s on, early on in their career. And he used to say how he never thought twice about it, thought he was totally fine with it....until he went back to his hometown for the holidays for the first time in years, and had all these old classmates and neighbors both his age and older women too, like actual friends of his parents or people who’d known him since he was a kid....and they were fawning over him while he was there and giggling about those scenes and how racy they were and blah blah...but the point was, when he came back to LA after the holidays, he just couldn’t do scenes like that anymore. 

Because, like he said, he’d never really thought of himself as someone who made the fact that he was gay a big part of his identity, but it was just too unsettling for him after that. Being aware that the very same people who were a huge part of why he was in the closet, because of all the shit they’d said when he was growing up about how gross and disgusting gay people and gay sex are...here they were, totally okay with and INTO simulated sex scenes that didn’t have an ounce of the intimacy he had in his actual sexual encounters with other guys. 

He was like “they’d all call me disgusting and tell me I was going to Hell if they found out what I do with boyfriends in my own home, but what I do on camera, surrounded by dozens of total strangers with a woman I only just met at our audition a week ago and have seen maybe twice since, like....that works for them?” And it just skeeved him out too much. He stopped auditioning for roles like that cold turkey, and I don’t think he’s actually ever done a nude scene since. He couldn’t get over knowing that the older women from his church who’d be the first to gossip about how sinful he was for having a boyfriend were instead gossiping on facebook about how hot he looked in this bedroom scene or whatever.

Anyway. Didn’t mean to go off on this tangent and didn’t realize that last post would bring this up, lmao. And tbh, like, I don’t ENJOY doing nude scenes, but I’ve never been bothered to the point of turning down a paying job. Like, it skeeves me out sometimes, stuff like I mentioned in that last post, coming face to face (so to speak) with the knowledge that someone I deeply dislike on a personal level has seen me that way and enjoyed it, but for me its a level of discomfort where I’m like, yeah, not ideal, but I can live with it. But for a lot of actors, it is a dealbreaker. 

And I feel this is something a lot of RPF-er’s don’t consider....like, with a lot of these celebrities, the way you’re talking about them, fantasizing about them, writing stories or sharing pictures about them, especially ones where there aren’t a lot of actual sexualized content available already for you to springboard off of, where you have to like...photoshop heads onto other bodies or make fanart from scratch.....they didn’t say they were cool with it. They didn’t give even the kinda tacit permission that comes from accepting a role where they willingly expose their entire body and self for anyone and everyone to see and to say or think whatever they want as a result. Like, someone accepting a job that casts them as the fantasy hero in a romance where they sweep their lover off their feet and gaze longingly into each other’s eyes and all that stuff....but with their clothes on....Its not exactly the same thing as voluntarily sexualizing themselves top to bottom, playing the part of an actively sexual being onscreen for you to then take in and absorb and do whatever you want with what they chose to put out there.

And thing is....this is still a form of consent, we’re talking about here. No, I’m not saying its the same kind as in a single person-to-person physical interaction. Violating someone’s consent so to speak, in this particular context, I’m not saying its interchangeable with someone being told no by a person and not stopping. I’m just saying....its not nothing either. You’re still taking away another human being’s right to decide whether or not they want you to have the level of intimacy that’s innately tied up in the viewing of a person in their most vulnerable state. Their right to decide whether they want you not just picturing them as a sexual fantasy, and in what ways. 

Because like....that’s the other thing about consent. It needs to be given for each individual interaction. It’s not a one-time issued all access pass. An actor consenting to be a part of your sexual fantasies in the role and form of a character from a movie where they have sex with another consenting adult.....is not a blank check saying hey, I’m also totally fine with you using my face and likeness and even name in your fantasies where you put me opposite a minor, or a homophobe, or an abuser. 

Like, just speaking for myself, I may be okay with however anyone chooses to view or think or talk about me based on the nude roles I’ve taken or in the context of them, even if it does make me kinda uncomfortable. But I very much would not the fuck be okay with someone sexualizing me opposite someone like, idk, Jared Leto, let’s say, someone that I fucking hate and would never in a million YEARS consent to being vulnerable, let alone intimate with, in any way, shape or form. 

I mean, lol, if you’ve been following me for long at all, think about what you know about me as a person, just in terms of like things I’m obviously passionate about, things I talk a lot about etc. Now keeping in mind what you know of me and my personality just as a person who exists beyond any particular fantasy someone might have after seeing me in a role, picture me as an actor. Say I someday ended up in a role in a shared universe franchise like Marvel or DC, where Jared Leto also played a role in that franchise, even if it wasn’t in the same movie, if I never actually consented to be in a movie starring alongside Jared Leto. But by virtue of the big sprawling franchise we’re both in and thus tangentially linked, there’s enough basis for someone who finds him hot and who also finds me hot to go, okay, I wanna ship them together, I want to craft my own sexual fantasy starring them both together, and maybe even write it out, share it online.

Now....knowing me even just on a ‘i follow this person on a social media platform’ level....do you think I’d be remotely comfortable with that? Sure, I’ll probably never find out, you could say, assuming you convince yourself I don’t know how to use google or never google myself or SHOULD never google myself, because....idg that logic tbh but whatever. But you still know. Isn’t it even just a little bit skeevy, building a sexy fantasy around two people when you know or are even just a little sure one of them would not the fuck consent to that?

Like, there’s no law against that, obviously. No one’s gonna come banging on your door and say you can’t do that, that you have Harmed Me in some material way and I’m gonna sue or press charges. But just purely from the standpoint of acknowledging that you may not know me at all, but you know that I exist somewhere on this planet as a living, breathing, thinking entity with my own agency and likes and dislikes....shouldn’t what I want or feel matter? Especially if I do happen to feel very strongly about this, to the point where I’ve taken actionable steps to NOT consent to be in any situation with someone like that where it could remotely be construed as sexual, or even like he’s someone who I could tolerate being around, like his very existence doesn’t gross me out given some of the stuff he’s done. Making deliberate, conscious choices to not take roles opposite him, stuff like that.

Now sure, you don’t know if this is the case, have no way of knowing this about any random actor, that they feel this way or would or would not have this or that opinion about the scenario you’re placing them in, if it were brought to their attention, if you had the opportunity to ask them face to face ‘hey would you be okay with this?’

But that’s the point. You don’t know. But at least maybe focus on actors in their ROLES that they chose to play, where they showed up to work and said okay, here I am to my job pretending to be this character who isn’t me, to bring them to life and make them real for audiences, make them someone they can imagine, or yes, fantasize about. Instead of just assuming for yourself that hey anything and everything is fair game because they took their shirt off in a show once and they’re an actor anyway so what does it matter, this is what they get paid for....

Well. No. Its not what we get paid for. We get paid for the job we sign up to do. That we CHOOSE to do. An actor gets paid to be fodder for sexual fantasies based around their role as a sexy spy in a thriller, maybe, but that’s not and really shouldn’t be treated as interchangeable with acting like they’re getting paid to be fodder for sexual fantasies with anyone and everything in every possible kinky scenario, consent not required, no age limit, anything goes.

I’m not saying its wrong to have sexual fantasies about an actor who’s lodged in your brain in a sexual context because yeah, they’ve done sex scenes before. I’m just saying....there’s a lot of angles that a lot of people don’t put any thought into at all before just doing whatever they want, and all these very important conversations about consent and sexual agency and all that.....they don’t stop being necessary just because they’ve crossed into territory where you don’t want to have these particular conversations, where there’s a status quo you’re comfortable with even if you think a status quo in another area of society needs to be challenged.

Anyway.

Oops, I thought I was done but I kept going. Why am I like this. Okay, now I’m done. Anyway. Just thoughts I have and thus shared, do with them as you will.

[vintage-tech]

saying this about that: the new nudity flagging system is alarmingly flawed

I went through this blog about 10 pages in -- and I apologise to any live humans out there who have been eagerly awaiting posts, I’ve been lazy -- and saw no flagged posts. Hooray, I keep my family-friendly rating.

I also went through the sister blog, Yet Another Thrift Blog, and actually found one picture had been flagged: that promo photo of pro wrestler Hack Sawyer from the 1980s that I found in a Portland Goodwill Outlet. He has a nice bare chest but we still have that double standard about how it’s fine for guys to be shirtless but not women in place, so that’s a false flagging. Whoopsie!

Was amused as I went through that personal blog I may or may not have and found flags on the following images I can describe succinctly as:

two photos of a fully-dressed young woman in a t-shirt bearing text that makes fun of putting hashtags on everything

a toddler holding a curved balloon animal, a long pink dog

@Staff: I know your system is new and we get to be guinea pigs to help improve it by having to defend ourselves every time your bot misidentifies something that doesn’t contain any adult content whatsoever, and thereby we’re guilty until proven innocent. Which is kind of like opt-out marketing, where you will get signed up for spam automatically and you have to tell them to stop sending it. But honestly, at this rate you’re doing more harm than good. When people have to go scrolling through their histories to discover that the system thinks they’re Bad People for having balloon animals and sassy shirts, there’s something going wrong here. And if you have now outlawed bikinis, underwear, and cleavage, which are not nudity, you really should tell us this since that’s not what your blurb said. I can see the sex workers here being cheesed since you have cut them off at the knees and cut into their profits and advertising, but how things are working now does also affect the body positive blogs and fitness/weightloss people who want to show they are improving their physiques, because these folks often appear in swimwear or underwear. I was looking over a blog of screencaps from dating sites and a bunch of non-nude profile photos had been flagged. You said artistic pictures are allowed. Are you telling the truth about all of those photos people keep having to defend being allowed? You also said you don’t want to interfere with the trans* folks and others who are expressing their personal take on their gender and sexuality. Are you?

I for one (of millions) really don’t like having to retroactively find out what Tumblr has flagged, and then have to request a review -- oh, that review staff must be overworked! -- to get things that are NOT against the rules restored and their names cleared. I’m stepping off of my soapbox now.

[chateaudevarak]

Back to Basics

Just giving it to you straight gay.

I apologize to everyone for the pictures of half-naked and fully-naked men all over your dashboard in the past years. Those types of posts were never my true intention for the direction this blog would take but it is where I ended up. 

What I really hoped was to create a space where I could journal, share photos of my day and life, and be simply transparent. But as I worked hard to make my page what I wanted it to be, I was disappointed to see the lack of interest from others. I had a low follower count and wasn’t receiving any asks or messages. SO, long story short, I fell into the black hole of posting semi-nude dudes and spamming dashboards with not-so-g-rated content in hopes to gain followers and receive the messages. And, I mean, it worked... for a while. But on the other hand, it made Tumblr seem like one big popularity contest - to see who could gain the most followers and who could receive the most mail. 

I don’t know about any of you, but I was never popular and I have never been able to figure out that one specific algorithm in life. I don’t know if it’s genetic or if it’s fate, but I just don’t have it in me. But honestly, that’s not the reason I started this blog. Yeah, I’ll admit, it sucks when the follower count is low and it sucks to not get feedback from the people who follow your content; and yes, I’m sure it’ll suck more when my follower count drops because I’m going back to basics and revealing more of my truest self, but I’ll deal. I’ll get through it.

I just hope anyone that may be reading this will still be a faithful follower and will stick through it with me. I want people to like me for the person I know I am and not for the wannabe that I thought everyone else wanted. I can guarantee, however, there will still be pictures of men on my page. I’m gay, so there’s that. But I can also say that there will be a richer content of me sharing my life rather than pictures of some random Joe. I hope to post more pictures of landscapes and scenery, of architecture and cars, clothing and cute little animals. I plan to make statements and have my opinions from time to time; and I will do my best to be as respectful as I can be. Although, I will admit, I am human and I can promise you that I will make mistakes so don’t be cruel. We are all human. We all deserve a chance.

So here I go. Wish me luck.

[castingdirect]

ONLYFANS: Has The Pandemic Been Responsible For A New Sexual Revolution?

The new revolution It's safe to say that no one is more surprised that Sonja Morgan is the fourth most popular star on OnlyFans than Sonja Morgan. After all, she's 57-years-old and most famous as longstanding 'Real Housewife of New York.' Not the sort of person you'd expect on a platform comprised mainly of nudes and homemade soft-core porn. But Morgan, who is always looking to expand her empire (toaster ovens and even a Nigerian football team are among the doomed enterprises known to 'RHONY' fans), thought there might be room on OnlyFans for her brand of middle-aged flooziness. 'I'm known on the show as "Sexy Sonja" or "Sexy J",' she told the Post: 'I'm always the first to go naked in the pool. I date younger guys. I have all these videos running around naked at swimsuit parties.' When Morgan first joined OnlyFans, which was July 2020, after she had recovered from a neck and facelift, whilst that detail alone makes her a softcore outlier, consider that RHONY audience consists largely of high-income, highly-educated white women and gay men. Morgan explained this in the only way she knows how: 'I walk into Cipriani, and it's people who went to Harvard or Yale - that's who's watching the show. I'm well known internationally, for my lifestyle, as a model and a philanthropist who was married to JPM.' She is relating to John Adams Morgan, the banking icon known as JPM to his intimate friends. In other words, selling one's sexuality online is becoming a side hustle without the stigma and once upon a time, a reality star under contract to a high-profile cable network would likely be fired for sex work on the side. It wasn't all that long ago that Vanessa Williams, the first Miss Black America, was stripped of her title for having posed nude pictures, which were purchased and published by Penthouse. At the time the US gasped, but if released today, the nation wouldn't bat an eyelid. Now major movie stars such as Michael B. Jordan creates an OnlyFans account with close-ups of him biting his lower lip to bait you in to subscribing to zeros scandal at all. Beyoncé even name checks OnlyFans in Megan Thee Stallion's 'Savage,' and the site gets a 15% uptick in traffic within 24 hours. Then the likes of Blac Chyna, Cardi B, Tyga, 'Teen Wolf' star Tyler Posey - all top content creators sexualizing their content as little or as much as they choose to - there isn't any precise rules of what people should or shouldn't do with their accounts, within reason. But the celebrities are just a tiny fraction of OnlyFans users, as it's attracted college students, housewives, even married couples, and the average people who will show you everything to those who offer more of a tease. Since the lockdown, OnlyFans reported a spike of 7.5 million users in November 2019, and in December 2020 it was 85 million global users with a total payout of $2.7 billion to its content creators - it's like the Guardian says - 'Everyone and their mum are on it'. Where once make gatekeepers determined who and what was sexy - from strip clubs to burlesque dancers to Playboy bunnies and nude  models - Now there were no barriers to entry. Women, men, trans, gender fluid, any age, race, weight - if you want to be on OnlyFans, all you have to do is sign up, and unlike OnlyFans' nearest competitor Pornhub, all the content you create belongs to you; the site takes only a 20% cut of the creator income. We are in the midst of a new sexual revolution, this time ignited by the collision of technology and a generational shift in attitude, with the power that women especially derive from online sex work, from setting their own parameters and prices, has transformed our ideas of who participates and why. Not to mention a global pandemic that has left many financially strapped, ready to take advantage of audiences still mostly confined to their homes. Kirsten Vaughn ,25, launched her OnlyFans account in January of 2020, and at the time she was on track to become the first female master technician at her Honda dealership in Indiana, with her take home page of around $450 a week after taxes. It wasn't enough. 'Six months before joining OnlyFans, I was trying to find a second job,'  she said, stating that she decided to join the site and quickly averaged an additional $1,000 a week in gross income, which is $800 after the OnlyFans commission. 'When I first started out in the industry, I was always getting questions about being female: 'Why are you even here?"' Vaugh found herself trying to 'eliminate parts of her femininity' as she puts it, in a quest to be seen as neither male nor female - just an employee, one particularly good at her job, if she did say so herself. It didn't work, and when she got the idea to join OnlyFans, it wasn't just a way to make money, it was a way to enjoy wearing 'make-up and cute clothes, being girly and feminine.' Her parents, she said, don't have a problem with it, for her dad, it was simply a matter of delivery systems changing, his generation had magazines; her generation had the internet. Then came the day a salesman at her dealership approached her saying that he had seen more of her than he ever wanted to see, 'no offense' in his words, and apparently he said he was pretty disgusted, she said: 'And I was really scared that what would happen, happened' and she was let go. Vaughn still doesn't understand why she was fired while two salesmen who viewed her content at work weren't punished equally: 'They told me they didn't care that their salesmen were watching porn on the floor during work hours,' Vaughn said: 'I was a distraction in the shop.' General manager John Watkins said that Vaughn was fired for 'violations of company procedures and policies,' but declined to specify what they were. Vaughn's firing made headlines - especially as the world over, out of work due to the pandemic, turned to OnlyFans as a money-making venture, and to Vaughn, there was no shame, only anger: Just how many of her critics, she asks, watches porn? Why the double-standard - that it's okay for men to consume porn, and as much and as often as they like, but the women who create it should be ostracized, vilified and made to suffer? That said though, Vaughn would warn anyone planning to join OnlyFans, or to pursue any line of sex work at all, that everyone in your life will eventually find out, because she's part of a generation who will not just need to explain social media histories to future employers - or who may be fired for decades-old tweets - but who will have online sexual histories as well. So when Vaughn interviewed for hew new job at another dealership, she openly spoke about her OnlyFans presence, and no one cared. Her main concern, she said, is her personal safety: Yes, sex work online, whether it's a cam girl, often not nearly as profitable, or an OnlyFans creator, protects one from strange people and places and physical harm, be it violence or STDs. But that very technology also makes it easier for strangers to stalk her. Vaughn said: 'I'm in the public eye to a certain extent, and in a way, I don't have any anonymity. If some creepy guy wants to find me, all he has to do is show up.' On the other hand, Vaughn is her own boss - a role that women in sex work have never had before. 'OnlyFans is no different tan the peep shows,' says Marina Adshade who is a Professor that specializes in the economics of sex and love. But with peep shows there were still owners, typically men, who controlled the hiring, salaries, frequency of work and hours, to say anything of some of the abysmal unsanitary conditions. Any sex worker in 2021, liberated by modern technology, would ever put up with any of that. 'OnlyFans and cam girls can only bee seen as a good thing,' Adshade said: 'If someone is a sex worker of their own accord - I see now downside to this.' Stephanie Michelle has been on OnlyFans for about four years, after her former platform Patreon stepped back from sexual content, and she said the pandemic has been more profitable than she could have predicted. 'I'm like, "What's happening?" I'm just posting my boobs on the internet, but business has been booming, and all of us are at home bored out of our minds.' She won't divulge her age (because when you're a sex worker over 30, you lose half of your clientele), or her monthly income, but her base rate of $14,00 per month has helped support her husband, who is an out of work cinematographer, as well as their three cats. 'I don't do penetration,' she says: 'But then I learned you could literally crochet scarves on OnlyFans.' Which then brings us onto Bella Thorne, and though you can post whatever you like to OnlyFans, from cooking to decorating videos, it's known for it's sexual content. So obviously, when Bella Thorne joined, fans flocked thinking they will get to see the former Disney star gone bad in the nude, but she remained fully clothed. In the wake of a really big backlash to what some users had considered false advertising, OnlyFans put caps on what creators can charge, as well as what the user can tip, per day as well as other restrictions. As of August 2020, $50 is the limit for exclusive content per month (Its like paying for an additional streaming service), with $100 cap on tips. 'Bella Thorne made promises and didn't deliver, and that makes sex workers look bad,' Michelle says: 'She's making us look like we don't care about our fans, or that we're liars and cheats. The price cap didn't affect my business - however, that doesn't make me any less pissed off about the cap. I'm very upset for my friends' - other content creators who suffered as a result of the caps. Michelle sees OnlyFans as a net positive, one that is forcing society to reconsider what it means to sell one's image, likeness, or body. She said why is it, that it's more harmful to sell oneself virtually than in the real world, and why do we consider some forms of commodification valid and good, but not others? 'Athletes sell their bodies,' she argues: 'Footballers and boxers get brain damage. In my opinion that's more harmful than me putting my tits online. No one is forcing me to post nudes or make content that I don't want to make. I'm basically an entrepreneur.' Michelle also has direct conversations with individual subscribers, many of whom, she says, are looking for a way to feel less anxious and lonely in lockdown. Relationships have been stripped from us for a full year, said Michelle: I'm so thankful I was able to help people de-stress in a year that was only stress.' And as for Morgan, who has a new season of RHONY due to premier on 4th May 2021, OnlyFans has become part of her brand: 'Bravo is my lifeline, but I do OnlyFans for the same reason I get on Twitter every night - I like to connect with my viewership. And I can tell you: you make good money.' Plus by 2030, OnlyFans will seem quant to the point of innocence, what, with the rise in sex robots... Read the full article

[beautifully-vain]

One-Sided

Ao3

Chapter 1

Lucy Heartfilia has always gotten everything she's always wanted. Everything but her father's attention. In the wake of her mother's death, her father became consumed with his work not once considering the effect it would have of his young daughter. She's grown up now, been accepted into the college of her dreams, and things are no different. She's still the invisible daughter to the business tycoon. She's tired of it. So, she does something about it. She meets Natsu Dragneel. He's running from a dark and violent past that follows him no matter where he is. He's exactly what Lucy needs. So, Lucy wants him. And what Lucy Heartfilia wants, Lucy Heartfilia gets.

So, I’m trying this thing where release my pent up anger from work and life in general. I actually have @mr-hawkmoth to thank because of their Self-Love Writing post. Before I originally posted this, I couldn’t put my thoughts to words because every sentence I wrote was wrong and I disliked my writing so much. And that was the worst for me because writing has always been my escape and I couldn’t get past the negative thoughts I had about my writing. Then I came across that post and tried it out. That’s how I managed to write so much of my story and sit back and appreciate the work. Hope you guys enjoy!

She somehow made it. Lucy Heartfilia had finally made it to college. She wasn’t the smartest in high school, but she surely wasn’t the dumbest. She could’ve gotten into any school she wanted, but she wanted to go here. Fairy Tail University. One of the most esteemed schools in all of Fiore. All the extra exams and essays finally paid off and she still couldn’t believe it.

As Lucy stood in the center of the quad, she sighed and smiled to herself and thought, I’m at the school of my dreams.

“Hey Blondie, move it,” someone shouted as they pushed her out of the way. All her bags were scattered about and just her luck the bag with her underwear in it popped open, spewing all her bras and panties everywhere. Lucy’s face became red and her ear became hot,

“Great just great,” she murmured to herself as she hurried to grab her unmentionables. She hid behind her thick blonde locks and damn near ran to the dorms. She was off to a great start.

When she finally got to the dorms, she was overwhelmed by the number of people rushing in and out with their things. It was way pasted move in day and Lucy should’ve been one of a few students just moving in. She got accepted on time, but as a gift from her father he sent her on a tour of the entire country from the beginning of the summer to the week before classes started. But that still didn’t explain why so many people were bringing things in and taking stuff out.

“It’s a thing the upperclassmen do to the freshmen before school starts.” Lucy turned around to find the voice. Her eyes landed on a girl.

“Hi and welcome. I’m Mirajane and I’m your dorm advisor. If you need anything, please don’t hesitate to ask.” Mirajane was average height with white hair having her bangs held out of her face by a ponytail. Her sapphire blue eyes sparkled with kindness. Lucy smiled.

“Thank you Mirajane, I really appreciate that. Do you mind helping me find my room?”

“That’s what I’m here for.” Mirajane helped Lucy with her bags and happily chatted with her as they walked. Lucy found out that Mirajane graduated from the same high school she did. They went on reminiscing about teachers and events until they made it to Lucy’s new room for the next year.

“Here we are Lucy and if you ever need want to talk I’m just a phone call away,” Mirajane smiled.

“Thanks, so much Mira, you’re the best.” She waved as Mira walked to off to help another freshman that had her stuff taken.

She opened her door and was greeted with the smell of ink and the sound of pages turning. She looked around until her eyes settled on a blunette. She was small with mousy features and hazel eyes. Her shoulder length hair was pushed back by a bandana. She peered up at Lucy through her glasses then looked at her curiously.

“Can I help you?”

“Um, my name is Lucy Heartfilia and it looks like I’m your new roommate.” Lucy said shyly.

“Oh, hi. I’m Levy. Levy McGarden. Hope we can be friends.” Levy smiled warmly ay her new roommate.

Lucy started unpacking her things and made small talk with Levy. She learned that Levy was an archeology major because of her love her ancient writing. Also, Levy had a boyfriend named Gajeel and he would be there later to pick Levy up for a big party.

“Wanna come? It’ll be a great time. Plus, there will be lots of hot guys there.” Levy winked. Lucy shrugged. She wasn’t entirely sure if she wanted to go to a party with someone she just met. Levy seemed nice but she wasn’t comfortable going.

“I’ll think about it,” she smiled

“So, you won’t be coming then,” Levy raised an eyebrow, Lucy’s grew wide. Levy laughed.

“I know that ‘I’ll think about it means no and ‘maybe another time’ means please ask me next time you go out. College teaches you to read between the lines.

It’s okay though, I don’t want you to feel bad I was that way when Gajeel first invited me to my first college party.”

“I didn’t know you were an upperclassman.” Lucy said curiously.

Levy tilted her head confused. “I’m not. I’m a first-time freshman like you. Gajeel is the upperclassman. We’ve been together since I was a senior in high school. So, I’m a first-time college student not so first-time college party goer.” Lucy nodded in understanding.

“I’ll unpack my things and find something to wear.” Levy’s face lit up.

“Then I’ll help you unpack.”

It took the two of then about an hour and a half to get Lucy completely settled into the room.

I’m officially a college student. Lucy sighed contently. Her mind was still reeling from when she first set foot on campus. She knew when she left home none of her classmates were going to FTU. She was a bit relieved to know that. Her high school years weren’t the best and she didn’t want those memories to follow her to college. She applied to colleges she knew none of her classmates were going to. And money wasn’t the problem as far as going to any college goes.

Her father was a well-known business tycoon and after the death of her mother he became obsessed with his work. So much so, the most contact she had with him by the time she was ten was notes written to her from his assistants filled with generic words of kindness and care. For her birthdays, her gifts would be more lavish and expensive the older she got, but that only meant that she would see her father less and less. By the time Lucy was 17, she never saw Jude Hearrfilia and she prayed that he would make an appearance at her graduation.

All the arrangements were in his name, – the facials the salons, the makeover, shoes, dress, cap, and gown – fully paid for shiny and new. But the one thing she wanted more than all the shoes, cars, and clothes ever given to her, was for her father cheer for his only little girl as she accepted her high school diploma. Much to her dismay as well as fulfillment of her doubt, her father never showed up. The only remanence of his presence was a bouquet of flowers and the keys to a brand-new Porsche. While her classmates smiled for pictures with their families, Lucy smiled alone the biggest smile she alone with her diploma in one hand and the flowers and keys in the other. She heard the whispers and snickers of her classmates and their loved ones, but she smiled and congratulated everyone, embarrassing some of them completely.

She was heartbroken and cried for days after. She was furious so she destroyed the Porsche. That got a rise out of her father, but still not what she wanted so she gave up and no longer craved her father’s attention. He called her from his office at work and gave her the lecture of a lifetime. He went on and on about how she needs to be careful and how she’s lucky that they can afford such extravagant things. He droned on and on for an hour. When he finally allowed her to speak, her voice was monotone. She apologized and said she hadn’t realized how truly blessed she was to have all that she has. Jude approved of her response and offered to buy her any new car of her choice that would be waiting for her when she returned form touring the country. She kindly accepted and as usual he told her that he had a meeting and that the business wasn’t going to run itself so he would talk to her next time he was free. Without the slightest goodbye, Jude hung up on his daughter. After that day, she gave up and no longer craved her father’s attention.

“Lucy, Gajeel will be here in 45 minutes. Are you gonna come to the party of not?” Levy asked a half-asleep Lucy. She had fallen asleep. Wait, 45 minutes?!

“I’m up, I’m up!” Lucy shot up from her bed, her long blonde hair was in a disarray and she has imprints on her cheek from sleeping so hard.

“Then get up,” Levy exclaimed excitedly.

The blunette was no longer sporting sweats, a hoodie, and her bandana. Instead, she was wearing a black long-sleeved cold shoulder dress that touched just above her knees with some strappy black heels to match the color of her dress. Her glasses were absent from her face, instead her hazel eyes were accented by a smoky eye look along with her long eyelashes. Her eyebrows were filled in perfectly with her highlight and contour bringing out the angles of her face. She tied the look together with matte red lipstick, just enough color to make someone stop and stare.

Lucy hurriedly grabbed a name brand dress out of her only unpacked suitcase. It was a teal Michael Kors dress. The garment was three quarter sleeve and had a golden chain strung through the front over the chest. It was the same length as Levy’s dress and it also had a small sash if the same color to tie around her waist. Then she pulled out some nude Louboutin heels.

“40 minutes Lucy,” Levy sang.

Lucy hopped into the bathroom and quickly dressed herself. Levy left the straightener on so Lucy used to loosely curl her hair. She went for a more natural look with her eyeshadow. She lightly filled in her eyebrows and she bushed over her face with powder contour to give her face a matte look. She lathered her lips with a light pink lipstick and put a small amount of shimmering highlight on her cheekbones.

When she stepped out, Levy was sitting on her own bed reading a book. She looked up at Lucy and smiled.

“You look hot!”

Lucy blushed. “Thanks.”

They put their earrings, bracelets, and watches as they waited for Levy’s boyfriend.

“Is there something I need to know to not piss off your boyfriend?” Lucy asked to kill time.

Levy hummed. “No, he looks really intimidating, but he’s a big teddy bear. He lives in an apartment off campus and he has a pet cat named Pantherlily that he rescued.”

Lucy cooed in response, making Levy giggle.

“Don’t tell him I told you that though. That might piss him off. But he’s gonna suggest that you stick close to us when we get to the party. He doesn’t want anyone messing with me or my friends.” Levy looked at her silver watch. “He should be here any time now.”

Not even seconds after Levy spoke, there was a knock at the door. She skipped over to door and opened it. Behind it, was a very large, very scary looking man. He had piercing all over his face and tattoos scored his arms. He was easily a foot taller than her and she was in five inch heels. He was dressed in some khaki pants and a white button down with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows. His long black hair rivaled Lucy’s in length and was worn in a low ponytail. She observed the muscular male gently place a large hand on the petite blunette’s back and kiss her. Lucy looked away to give them their moment and she was a bit embarrassed.

“Gajeel, this is my new roommate Lucy. She’s coming with us tonight. That okay?” Levy beamed.

“Sure kid. Name’s Gajeel. Gajeel Redfox. Nice to meet you,” his voice was deep and gravelly.

“Likewise,” Lucy said cordially.

“But before we go anywhere, I’m gonna give you the same rundown I gave the pipsqueak. Don’t leave my side and if you do, just tell me so I don’t have to punch someone’s teeth in looking for you. And my biggest rule for Levy, – and now you – if a drink didn’t come out of my hand, do not drink it. Guys at parties for classes start make bets to see how many freshmen they can drug and fuck. Once again, I don’t feel like sending some poor sap to the hospital before classes start. Other than that, have fun. Some of my friends are gonna be there and they’ll take care of you if you didn’t wanna feel like a third wheel,” he chuckled and it was the strangest sound Lucy had ever heard. To keep from laughing, she nodded.

“Then let’s go! I’m ready to party!” Levy shouted only to have her mouth covered by Gajeel’s big hand.

“Alright we’re leaving Shrimp. Keep your panties on,” Gajeel said as they all walked out of the room. “Because I want to be the one to take them off tonight.” He whispered but not quietly enough because Lucy heard making her face grow hot. She swallowed bile when she heard her roommate moan.

“I like that idea very much,” the small female giggled.

The three got into Gajeel’s black Camaro and headed to the part. The ride was filled with jokes and hilarious stories. Lucy felt much closer and more comfortable with these strangers. She felt acceptance, something that she hadn’t felt for a while. She was ready to party.

[dontlookdown]

Nick’s Favourite Music of 2018

In the time that I’ve been doing these yearly round-ups (ten years(!), although my first list was literally just a list), they’ve gotten a bit easier to write. It probably helps that I’ve done actual planning-ahead for the last couple of turns. The one thing that doesn’t get any easier is these introduction posts.

2018 was, and I don’t think this is a controversial stance, shit. I joked this time last year that 2017 was best summed up as “further complications”, but 2018 was fucking something else. I’m resisting the urge to list my grievances, because I doubt I’d ever stop. It’s exhausting to even think about attempting to take stock of everything that happened. To cap it all off, the website I’ve published these posts on since the very beginning had a panic attack regarding the sexual content that some people were uploading, and decided to address the situation in the bluntest way possible. This isn’t something that affects me directly (there’re no nudes in my blog. Hell, I felt anxious about including a photo of myself with clothes on that one time), but it affects people I look up to and care about, and a good portion of my audience for these things. I’ve considered leaving the site entirely in solidarity. I still might. It might be time that I focused more energy on writing a bit more frequently anyway, and setting up a new home for my work is a good starting point. Demi Lovato believes in me. We’ll see.

But for now, let’s focus on the reason that you clicked on this link in the first place: the music of 2018.

It was a good year. It was also a strange one for me. Whereas in previous years there were always one or two big standout albums or songs that held my attention for months on end, this year I really had to dig deep and re-listen to a heap of stuff to remind myself of what had actually left an impression on me. The critical consensus was all over the place too. The end-of-year lists I’ve seen from various outlets over the last two months have been the most diverse I’ve seen for as long as I’ve been paying attention. There were a few names they had in common, but they all featured a lot of unique choices. Hopefully you’ll feel the same about mine!

Sticking to my familiar rules (20 songs, no repeating artists) always means that there’s a couple of gems that don’t make the final cut. 2018’s wide breadth of musical talent means that this is the longest ‘honourable mentions’ list I’ve ever done! Here they are:

Beach House – Lemon Glow

Victoria Legrand and Alex Scally’s seventh album was probably my most re-listened album of the year. They’ve always been a band with a sound that rewarded repeat plays, but this release seemed to have its own gravitational pull that kept me coming back to reappraise it, despite finding it a little overwhelming on multiple occasions. “Lemon Glow” absolutely excels as a lead single. Those gravitational waves are in full force here, a light electronic throbbing acting as the thread I kept trying to follow to the end.

The Beths – Little Death

The Beths were a late discovery, and welcome breath of fresh air after I’d been deep in a fog of more ambient sounds. If you’ve been looking for a vibrant, punchy rock band to brighten your January, I highly recommend them.

Jenny Hval – Spells

Part of my planning process this year was learning to accept that I don’t always have the words or ability to explicitly pinpoint what I like about particular songs. This track is just nice. I like the way it glides along, building up ever-so-slightly as it goes.

Joey Purp – Elastic

Joey Purp followed up iiiDrops and “Girls@” with even-more-minimalist trap. This is straight no-nonsense fire. Add it to your dance playlist. And if you don’t have a dance playlist, make one!

Kali Uchis - After the Storm (feat. Tyler, The Creator & Bootsy Collins)

Kali Uchis’s debut Isolation proved her to be an artist with fantastic taste. It’s a lot easier to nail a woozy sound that throws back to the work of Parliament-Funkadelic when you get one of the original members involved. I also want to highlight Bootsy’s use of the amazing line “Look both ways before you cross my mind” which, incredibly, is a phrase that no one seemed to have coined before George Clinton dropped it on To Pimp a Butterfly in 2015. It’s a line that perfectly encapsulates the P-funk mood, and it’s less than five years old!

Let’s Eat Grandma – Ava

Let’s Eat Grandma’s (no, I’m not sure how I feel about the name either) second album split focus between spacey synth-pop journeys and straightforward piano ballads. “Ava” is one of the latter, beautiful with lo-fi touches (listen closely and you can hear the rain falling on the recording studio windows). Enjoy this track now, before someone sticks it a Christmas advert for a shop.

Madison McFerrin – Insane

I’ll save you the Google. Yes, Madison McFerrin is the daughter of Bobby “Don’t Worry, Be Happy” McFerrin and, yes, she also has a unique talent for vocalising. Musically speaking, this track comfortably sits in-between the work of Sade and Solange.

Post Malone & Swae Lee – Sunflower

Among the many, many accomplishments of Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse is this cut from its soundtrack, a Post Malone track that I actually like!

Robyn – Missing U

Robyn’s been one of my favourite pop artists for a while now, so I really, really wanted to love her big return. Sadly, I’m not quite there yet. The music on Honey is lot colder than I’m used to, most likely by design to reflect the change in Robyn’s (and the world’s) mood in the years since Body Talk. “Missing U” is the closest thing the album has to a big hook-y single like “Call Your Grilfriend” or “Dancing On My Own”.

Spiritualized – I’m Your Man

J Spaceman approached his final album as Spiritualized with as much brassy gusto as he did twenty years ago. A gorgeous send off.

Arctic Monkeys - Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino

I understand the disappointment some people had when was released and sounded nothing like AM, but I think those people lost sight of the bigger Arctic Monkeys picture. The lounge-y, Pulp-y sound of Tranquility Base is something that Alex Turner has been hinting at since the Submarine soundtrack. I heard the album several times and, while there isn’t any standout track that makes everything make sense, I’ve never been bored listening to it.

Jon Hopkins – Singularity

Bleeps, bloops, beats and bliss. Jon Hopkins continues his reign as one of the premier electronic musicians.

Pusha T – Daytona

The hardest, sharpest (and shortest) hip-hop album of the year. A reminder that King Push’s skills as an MC haven’t dulled, and neither has Kanye’s skill as a producer. Ye was crap, though.

Tierra Whack – Whack World

An interesting experiment to debut with, Whack World is a 15 minute album with 15 tracks, all unique in their sound, and all with their own music video (presented as one 15 minute film). Few of the tracks are long enough to stand as songs on their own, but they weren’t designed to be. These are concentrated blasts of pure creativity, and deserve to be supported. Besides, there was something really cathartic of seeing Tierra cheerfully singing “Fuck Off” while gleefully snipping balloons free of their strings. “Pretty Ugly” was my personal favourite.

Angélique Kidjo – Remain in Light

This was a nice surprise that popped up on my Spotify Discover. Remain in Light by Talking Heads is one of my all-time favourite albums, a moment when the band fully embraced an Afrobeat influence and stretched it as far as they could. But what if an actual Afrobeat musician had recorded that album? The answer is Angélique Kidjo’s full-length cover album, another Spotify Discover, uh, discovery. A fascinating, and highly danceable, rework. Tracks like “Once in a Lifetime” were already rays of sunshine. Kidjo’s arrangements turns them supernova.

Justin Hurwitz – First Man

2018 was an equally cramped year for films too. First Man seems to be getting ignored by the major awards, which is a shame as it was one of my favourites of the year. (Hey! If you’d like to see me expand on that thought, you consider subscribing to our film podcast, Sunshine Cinema Club! We’re about to cover our top ten of the year! First Man will be one of them!) I’m especially disappointed that people aren’t talking about Justin Hurwitz’s score, which combined the saddest instrument in the world (the theremin) and the gentlest instrument on the world (the harp) to create the loneliest soundtrack of all time. The perfect accompaniment to a story of a man, emotions dulled by grief, faced with the infinite possibilities of space travel.

As always, I’ll be posting about the twenty entries on my list across the next twenty days. Here’s the Spotify playlist of the final twenty, sequenced for musical effect.

In the past, I’ve updated the Spotify list as the entries go up, acting as some sort of musical advert calendar, keeping future songs under wraps. It’s since occurred to me that this method isn’t actually useful to anybody. Nobody cares about spoilers when it comes to this list, and it’s a big ask for people to keep tabs on a blog and a playlist for three weeks. So, consider that list a preview for what’s coming up and a chance to wonder how I’m going to justify sticking Drake and a black metal band on the same list! (I won’t. Accept my weird, varied taste in music!)

Lists from previous years can be found easily using the tag “best+of+20xx”. See you tomorrow!

[wordzeck]

have and eat

I found out, a few days ago, about this scandal that happened at my school. Essentially a girl in my school’s student government was being sent persistent sexual messages from a guy in the student government. I discovered the dilemma from reading an article published by my school newspaper and a blog post written by the affected female. Based off of the publicity of the event it is clear that its effects were not constrained to merely the boy and girl. There has been a fallout at a public level. The violation experienced by the girl is not the only present problem. This boy’s actions have now sprouted incidents of cyber bullying, shaming (to multiple parties), and depression. 

Reading through the details of events was a sobering experience for me. As I read the name of the male accused of sexually badgering the girl, I couldn’t stop seeing my own name. Outside of the publicly held position, this boy and I are no different. I’ve sent far worse messages than those described in the article. I’ve sent unsolicited sexual pictures and texts to more girls than I can count. I’ve been told to stop on multiple occasions, and I’ve ignored the requests. I say all of this to preface my commentary. I’m trying to do my best at offering insight while still recognizing that I am no better than anyone I comment on. I fully understand that I still have a problem with this sexual sin stuff, and I don’t want my opinions to be viewed as just shaming my culture. To continue this train of thought… I’ve seen multiple posts since the event occurred, and it is clear that different individuals all have opinions on the matter (including myself obviously). Everyone is grasping for some kind of resolution through their finger pointing, their encouraging, and their commentaries. One thing is certain—we can all tell that something is wrong. There is something about this kind of story that doesn’t sit well with our stomachs. There is something about all of this that demands reaction and response. These kinds of situations always draw our attention, and for some reason we deem them significant enough to provide commentary. Even if another’s sexual oppression doesn’t keep us up at night, it still causes us to dust off our “moral” compasses and find our bearings. 

I’d like to try and discuss the reality of sex and sexuality in my culture. I believe that we have all tricked ourselves into claiming that we can have our cake and eat it too. I’ve grown up in a culture that pushes for liberty in all aspects of life. The general consensus seems to be that liberty should also be a key feature of sex. We can sleep with who we please in whatever quantities we please. We can consume any sexual content we please (as long as it is legal). And we can publicly present our physical forms in any way see fit. On paper these freedoms not only sound liberating, but they also are completely sound and logical juxtaposed to the rest of our lives. Our sexual activities are now interwoven into the western narrative of freedom of choice and expression. And this all a wonderfully fine concept—if we could actually handle it. It is incredibly natural, and right, to blame and punish a man who commits sexual assault against a woman. Our culture has made tremendous strides in empowering women to become free from the sexual oppression of men. We still have much to accomplish, but I think it can be argued that progress is happening. But if sexual oppression was a dance, then it takes two to tango (sorry about that awfulness I just wrote). What I’m trying to say is we’ve focused on empowering women, but I haven’t heard many people ask the question, “How do we stop our men from committing these acts?”. We, of course, have laws in place that make certain actions illegal, but any rational person knows that they are simply not enough. Human trafficking, prostitution, rape, cat calling, persistent sexual texts, groping, flashing, revenge porn, and everything else under the sun still frequently occurs in our communities. So again, I ask… how do we stop our men from committing these acts? I’ve heard this pat answer from both men and women alike: men just need to control themselves, they need to be better, and they need to not be perverts. Let me just say, I completely agree with that statement, but let’s dive into the experience of the modern man and hopefully get a bit of a reality check. I’m only focusing so heavily on the male experience because I don’t want to even attempt to speak on behalf of women when it comes to sex… that is not my place nor do I have any authority on the subject. 

A majority of our boys are subject to the culture I previously described. They are raised to embrace the idea of sexual liberty. Porn is normalized for our youth, and it is even made more of a joke than a serious subject. The young boy consumes countless hours of content with scantily clad women who aim to please the male audiences. Then this same boy goes to college and is further liberated to physically embrace those he deems attractive. He can sleep with who he wants in what quantities he wants, as long as consent is involved (but we all know of countless cases where it is not). We give him snapchat to receive nude photos of girls who he can’t be with physically, and we give him tinder to streamline the process of anonymous sex. And when those mediums don’t produce results, we give him porn to consistently feed his sexual drive. And after his brain has been conditioned, partially due to his fault, we ask him to control himself. I ask in return, control himself with what? These men who commit sexual atrocities haven’t been plucked out of some foreign culture—we’ve raised them up. They’re home grown. I understand that mental health can account for a portion sexual oppression incidents, but it can’t write them all off. If we watch that same boy grow to his middle ages, what do you think will happen? What happens when his youthful attraction leaves him? What happens when the girls don’t double take him or flirt with him? What happens when he inevitably transitions from holding nothing back from himself (complete sexual liberty) to the point where sex with beautiful is unavailable? I would argue that it’s not illogical to conclude that prostitution is a natural next step. Our culture is currently holding men to a standard that we have not created. The reality is that sexual atrocities still happen on an almost hourly basis. We shake our fists and scoff, but then we inevitably champion the ideologies that are partially responsible. 

The inception of this thought process came when I was watching a fb video of Ashton Kutcher. He was speaking to congress on the issue of human trafficking. He went into detail of the horrors of child trafficking in our nation. He spoke on being a father of his own young daughter and displayed his absolute anger he had towards the monsters who would ever think of purchasing her body. He made completely valid, and almost righteous, arguments. He’s even started a wonderful nonprofit that combats child trafficking. But… he’s also on the show Two And a Half Men. I really don’t want to sound like a stout conservative dad, but anyone who has ever watched that show knows what it’s about. The show produces episode after episode of new attractive women who exist to please the male characters and the male audience. We can absolutely have our anger and our desire for justice (it is our right), but can we also knowingly support our current culture? Is it actually possible to have both? Can we have the man who is allowed complete sexual liberty (in his youth), and who also has complete control over that same sexuality? I encourage you to give those questions thought. 

The last thing I can think of to drive home my point is this—Vegas. We all want our fun weekend in Vegas with our friends. Even those of us who aren’t planning on visiting more “adult” attractions still want a weekend of good times. But here’s the thing… Vegas can’t exist as just the fun weekend. If we want Vegas to exist we also have to exist everything that comes with the city—violence, prostitution, gambling addiction, drug addiction, human trafficking, and everything else under the sun. The “good” and the “bad” of Vegas are intertwined. It would be nice if they were independent of one another… but they are not. If you want the city to exist for your fun weekend, then you have to be accept that the city also exists as a prison for the girls who are trafficked there. You may not personally contribute to that trafficking, but our culture knows that is no longer a cop out. I’ve seen too many boycotts of companies because some horrible truth was revealed about them. If you stop buying your shoes due to child labor, would it not be logical to stop giving money to a city due to child trafficking? My point is that you can’t have Vegas without its unpleasant reality, and, just maybe, we can’t have sexual liberty without its unpleasant realty. Many people might say that my claims are outrageous, but I would ask them to really think about it? These sexual atrocities still happen to this day. We would claim that we are the most modern thinkers, and yet we still can’t stop it. Our activism, our justice systems, and our morals themselves seem to be completely powerless against sexual oppression. What actual hope do we have for stopping this? In my opinion—we have the life, the death, and the resurrection of Jesus Christ. He is the only entity that pulled me out. Maybe He was just a coping mechanism for my shame, maybe I’m just messed up in the head, or maybe I’ve actually found the truth in Him.