#because I can separate fiction from reality etc etc

[terzosboyfriend]

Y'know what, I might lose some followers for this, I might gain followers, I might get threats and hate, or love and support.

But y'know what. I fw Copiiia hard.

Please disregard any and all previous posts I have made against incest ships cause lowkey i fw it.

I will infact be writing that shit as well with my dead dove, and I don't care.

You can leave hate comments all you want, but it won't stop me. Because in the end, if you don't know how to separate fiction from reality, then that's a you problem. In no way shape or form do I support real incest, same goes for non con/rape, necrophilia, and all the other fucked up shit I've written, but I do enjoy writing it.

You are welcome to block me. You're welcome to unfollow, do whatever, I don't care. But this is my official post saying that I am absolutely open to receiving incest ship prompts.

I'm tired of pretending I don't fw it just to keep people from sending me hate, I'm tired of defending myself over fiction, and I'm tired of forcing myself to not write this shit cause of it. That is all love you <3

You can't force me to not write it, and I can't force you to read it. Just like all of my other dead dove fics, i will infact be giving proper warnings. I will still be writing plenty of non dead dove, so :P

You are welcome to attack me as much as you wish, but anyone I have associated with (co writers, reblogs, art commissions, etc.) is not involved whatsoever unless stated otherwise. Do not attack them, do not get mad at them, don't do shit to any of them.

[aliteralsemicolon]

I'll wait for your love - 18+

See part 1 | See Part 2 | Part 3 of We can't be friends (wait for your love)

The only thing you’re sure of is that you don’t want things to go back to the way they were and Spencer agrees that change may be for the best.

Spencer Reid X Fem! Reader

DISCLAIMER This story is NSFW and contains graphic depictions + detailed descriptions of adult content. It is intended for mature audiences only, minors do not interact!  You are responsible for the content you consume. Make sure to read all necessary warnings. Please remember this is a work of fiction; if you don’t like it, don’t read. 

WARNINGS: Panic attack mentioned, slight PTSD depictions, case details (barely) mentioned, alcohol mentioned like once. Smut (not the focus at all): making out, nipple play, clitoral stimulation, praise, use of pet names (angel, pretty girl, etc). Proceed at your own risk.

Word count: 10.4K See notes at end for authors note & spoilers.

Avoiding Spencer wasn’t overly difficult on the flight back to D.C. You weren’t entirely sure how to face him after he risked his life for you, so you just pretended to be asleep the whole time. You even took a separate jeep from the tarmac to avoid a car ride back with him, and almost made a clean getaway to your car in the parking lot when Hotch stopped you. 

“I’m sorry to hold you back, but I do need the Anchorage report on my desk before tomorrow morning. It can’t be put off any longer.”

He looked extremely apologetic and you understood. You’re grateful he gave you as much time as he has. That’s how you ended up stuck at work til the later hours of the evening. Besides the few workaholics, security guards and janitors roaming around the corridors, the only other person there with you is Spencer, oddly. Even Hotch has gone home. You’ve spent more time stalking the doctor work through the pile of case files on his desk than you have writing in the one on yours. Only when you're caught do you look away. 

“Everything okay?” The innocent curiosity in his big eyes further reddens the hot embarrassment in your cheeks.

“Fine.” You mutter, dipping your head back down to the open page.

You’re never going to get this damn file done if you can’t get him out of your head, and him being barely three feet away from you doesn’t help. It’s very difficult for you to get your words from pen to paper. Anchorage wasn’t haunting you like it did at first. It was a traumatic event, yes, but alone isn’t the cause of this…block. Obviously the reality that you’re leaving is starting to dawn on you. Somehow your mind has linked this case with your departure and finishing this report makes it more official than your actual resignation. 

Plus, as much as you definitely hate Spencer, you do did care for him. The shock of him almost getting himself killed in front of you is another thing occupying your mind. It’s barely been twenty four hours since then, it’s still fresh. You can see him stand and grab his satchel in your peripheral vision, he’s preparing to leave. There are a lot of memories attached to that brown leather bag. 

Things he would carry in there for you when you forgot your own bag. 

You don’t make it obvious that you’re watching him gather his things in small glances. 

He bought extra hair clips for you to keep in there because you would often forget those too. 

It’s over now. No point in dwelling on it. You shake your head once he’s out of sight, trying to force him out of your thoughts. Now that he’s gone you’re hoping to actually be able to get some work done.

He taught you chess with the mini chess set he keeps in there. You discovered that you actually quite liked chess and would ask to play with him all the time. It was also his ‘secret’ weapon to help you calm down. 

You roll your eyes to push back the tears from the memories that refuse to stop playing. This can wait until you get home, it’s not important. 

It wasn’t the chess set that helped you feel calm. Spencer could win chess against you in just a few moves, but he would deliberately stretch out the game so you could have room to breathe. The longer the game, the more time you had to spend focused on the moves and slow down your thoughts. You could open up at your own pace. He would let you feel in control.

It doesn’t matter if he’s near you or not, Spencer has a way of invading your headspace wherever he is. Your train of thoughts is interrupted with a light thud on your right. You covertly roll the tears away again and turn to examine the source of the noise. A mug of coffee placed on your desk by

“Spencer?” You sputter breathlessly. 

“Sorry. I know you told me to stop. This is the last time I promise.” 

You don’t fully comprehend what he’s going on about, not expecting him to be here at all. 

“I thought you left.”

“I did– was. I was leaving, but I thought I’d make you some coffee before I go. Since you’ve been here a while.” He awkwardly explains. 

You steadily direct your attention back to the mug, reeling in what was happening. 

“Before you get mad, this really is just a cup of coffee from a colleague who thought it might help keep you energised if you’re planning to stay late. There’s no ulterior motive…”

He continues rambling but you’re not mentally present to hear any of it. 

He made you coffee. 

Even though you’ve been nothing short of an absolute bitch. Granted he was a bitch first, but the point is that he’s still thinking of your well being regardless. You can’t hide your tears from him this time. It’s the soft buzz of your name that draws you back to him. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you! I’ll take the coffee–”

His panicked sentiment is cut short when you jump out of your seat and shove past him. The breakdown you’ve been avoiding hits you like a ton of bricks. You run into the nearest empty office and he runs after you, making it past the door before you can lock him out. 

“Spencer p–please get out! I’m fine.” You’re pacing in the same spot, fanning away the stream falling down your cheeks, hyperventilating.

He doesn’t respond to you, instead cautiously taking your hand in his. You’re in too frenzied a state to care. He guides you to sit on the couch against the wall and you blindly go along with it, still trying to get yourself together. 

You want to stop the tears, but you can’t do that until you get your breathing under control. He slowly wraps his arms around you and you slump into him, head buried in his chest. You should try to fight it, you should push him away, but you can’t. Right now, surrounded by his scent, held in his arms, you don’t want to move. It’s not something you can properly explain, but the feeling is so comforting that nothing else matters. All you know is that you’re safe and that’s enough for you to allow yourself to finally break down. 

The first few sobs are loud, like there’s not enough air in the world to stabilise your lungs. They fizzle out into silent whimpers and you grasp onto the fabric of his sweater, balling it in your fist, just letting yourself feel. Spencer still hasn’t said a word. His right hand is rubbing circles on your back and his left hand is gently scratching just above the nape of your neck. 

You stay like that for a while, even after you’ve stopped crying. It’s been so long since you’ve been in this little bubble with him and you don’t want it to end. You pull away when you feel the strap of his satchel across his stomach as your hand drops to his lap. He visually follows every move you make. 

“You’re still wearing your bag.” You sniffle, leaning back. 

“I am.” He whispers, understanding that you no longer want to be touched. 

He stays in his original position; facing you, but now with one arm resting on top of the backrest and the other idly in his lap. You’ve moved so that now you're facing ahead with your back leaning against the cushions, pulling your knees into your chest. You had never found comfort in silence until the first time you experienced it with Spencer. Staying huddled, you divert your eyes towards him. There’s a distinct wet patch on his shirt. It’s less visible on his sweater-vest, but it’s there. 

“Your shirt’s wet now.” It’s almost impossible to make out what you’re saying with your mouth muffled against your arm, but of course, Spencer manages anyway. 

“It’ll dry.” He smiles, tone delicate. 

“But– germs.” You choke a little due to your previous crying. 

“It can be washed.” He’s using his comforting voice again. 

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be.”

The silence resumes. Neither of you dares to move, trying to freeze this moment. It’s obvious that you didn’t grasp how badly you craved each other’s presence. 

“D–do…” The initial sound grabs Spencer’s full attention again. You take a deep breath, hoping he wants to stay here as much as you do. “Do you still carry that little chess set with you?”

A small, airy chuckle comes out from him. 

“Would you like to play?”

“Please.” 

He creates some more space between you and begins to set up the board once he’s pulled it out of his satchel. You move to accommodate the set up, now facing him with your legs crossed on the couch and shoes abandoned on the floor. You wait for him to make the first move. After the opening moves the game doesn’t seem to get any harder and you know he’s throwing the game. You’re okay at chess, but he’s obviously a lot better. 

“You’re going easy on me.” You mumble.

“Because you’re not even trying.” He replies blithely.

“Why are you doing this?”

“Like I said, you’re making it too easy.” He gently teases.

“Not that. Helping me. You hate me, remember?” You say it like it’s the most casual thing in the world. 

“I don’t hate you.” 

“You literally told me that you hate me.” You chuckle, numb to the hurt that sentence once brought you. 

“So did you.” He counters in defence, trailing your hand as it carelessly moves your queen to her demise. 

“I was angry.” 

“So was I.” He spared your queen, in turn leaving his king vulnerable. 

“It doesn’t matter now…” You don’t finish the rest of your sentence but Spencer still hears it.

You’re leaving soon anyway.

“It matters to me.” If he left something unsaid you choose to ignore it. 

“You’re letting me win.” You whisper, feeling the urge to cry some more, but there’s no tears left. 

He doesn’t make a move, bringing the game to a halt. He’s waiting for you to meet his eyes. You know what he’s going to say. 

“Spencer, don't.” You beseech.

“Why?” If you looked at him instead of the board you’d see the way his eyes are pleading at you. 

“There’s no point.” This time it’s your voice that cracks. 

You're looking everywhere else and it makes you too aware of your surroundings. Like how the couch is lined up directly under a window that anyone could peek into. 

“Leaving is not the only option.” He solicits. 

He regards your discomfort and closes the blinds from where he’s sitting, pulling you back into the privacy of your bubble. 

“There’s nothing that you can say to make things go back to how they were.” You bite the inside of your cheek, fiddling with a random pawn. 

It’s not a proper two way conversation. You’re talking to yourself just as much as Spencer’s talking to you. You’re both trying to convince you of what you’re saying. 

“Things don’t have to go back to how they were.” The squeaks in his soothing tone are starting to melt any resolve you have left. 

“There’s no reason for me to stay.” You oppose, trying to make any argument stick.

“I can think of more reasons for you to stay than for you to go.” 

There’s an underlying tension bubbling. Neither of you notice it over your desperate tug of war. 

“I don’t think there’s anything that you can say to get me to stay.” Another baseless sentence meant more for you than for him. 

“Give me one chance. One chance to convince you.” He can see your internal struggle at his request and he throws out one final plea to sway you. “For nothing more than closure.” 

Closure.

You’ve spent months in turmoil over the hows and the what ifs, trying to conjure answers to questions that wouldn’t stop pestering you. You couldn’t turn him down even if you wanted to. 

“Closure?” You repeat, eyes finally latching onto his.

“Closure.” He whispers back in reassurance. 

“Even if you can’t convince me?” You caution, not wanting to give him false hope.

He doesn’t say anything, thinking over the scenario in his head. He simply nods and you mimic the action, blinking away the blur in your vision and dragging around chess pieces. It takes Spencer a second to figure out that you were moving them back to their default places.

“Okay new game.” You announce. 

Spencer blinks in confusion, waiting for you to elaborate. 

“I can ask you any question I want and you have to answer honestly. If by the end of the game I’m not convinced to stay, you back off for the remainder of my time here.” You pause for him to interject, but he doesn’t. “That means we stay away from each other, only talking when needed for work. Even then as cordially and professionally as possible. No more trying to make casual conversation or bringing me coffee or anything like that.”

“Till the end of the game?” He studies you. 

“Yup.” You smack your lips together. “Til one of us checkmates the other.”

“This means you’ll actually give me a fair shot?” 

“Between the two of us, I’m not the one known for cheating at games.” You jab, trying to ease the tension you could definitely feel now. 

“I meant a fair shot at convincing you. As in you’ll seriously take what I have to say into account.” He discards your attempt.

“No, I know. The opportunity was just too good to pass up.”

He can tell you’re trying to hold back a laugh from the small smile on your lips. It’s as adorable to him now as it was the first time he saw it. 

“Any rules before we start?” He asks, unable to hide his own smile.

“Only that we have to be honest.” You answer, immediately dropping your smile.

“Okay.” He agrees, smiling slightly wider.

“Okay.” You nod again.

When he finally makes the first move it hits you that you don’t actually know where to start. Theoretically, you know what you want to ask, but don’t know how to ask. You don’t know if you should jump straight into the questions or start with some ice breakers. Nothing is said for about four to five moves when Spencer pauses the game. 

“Are you going to ask any questions or have you decided that you just want to play one last game for your closure?”

“Huh?” You snap your vision away from the board. “Oh, sorry. I was thinking.”

“Do you want to return to the game after thinking of a few questions to ask?” He raises his brow and relaxes his jaw.

“No, no, we don’t need to do that. Let’s keep playing, the questions will come to me.” You brush off his suggestion and motion for him to continue with his turn. He doesn’t.

“What?” Your voice raises and you scrunch your nose from perplexity.

“Sorry, it’s just that you’ve put us on a time limit and this is how you’re using our time?” He airs, failing to conceal his amusement.

“Well excuse me if I don’t exactly have a list of questions ready to go for you.” You narrow your eyes in annoyance. 

“Why would you suggest this if you don’t have any questions?” He tries to hold back his laugh and ends up snorting as a result. 

“I have questions!” You jabber, unable to maintain your annoyance. “I don’t know what– where do I even start?”

“Start with whichever one comes to you first.” He shrugs, finally making his move. 

A lot of things come to mind when you think about it. The thing that screams the loudest twitches a nerve and you become instantly irate. 

“Okay.” You nod, tone harsh and flat. “Let’s start with whatever the fuck possessed you on the last case. What was your thought process when you put your life in danger like that?”

He almost gets whiplash from the change in mood, his face literally reads ‘are you serious?’. 

“He was going to shoot you.” He states like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. 

“I was wearing a vest, I would’ve been fine.” You contend. 

“I wasn’t willing to take that risk.” 

“Risk?! You literally put yourself in danger for no reason!” 

“I think it was a pretty good reason actually!” 

“Spencer that was–” You stop yourself with a grumble, inhaling deeply. 

“It was instinctual, okay?” He softly explains. “I saw him aim the gun at you and I just reacted.” 

“Well it was a stupid reaction!” You whine. 

“I’m not going to apologise for it.”

The glare you give is piercing, you bite the inside of your cheek to hold your tongue before you say something you can’t take back. Spencer throws his head back and sighs. 

“But I will promise not to do it again.” He adds, not fully intending to keep it. 

This was slowly turning into another argument, both of you shooting back too fast with your responses. You aren’t in the mood for another argument. So you redirect your attention to the game. 

“Check.” You mumble, buying yourself time to think of another question. “Why are you here so late anyway?”

“I wanted to finish some work before tomorrow morning.” He replies, moving his king to safety. 

“Yeah, what’s up with that? You could’ve done those tomorrow as well.” Your voice softens out of curiosity. 

“I wanted to get them finished in case there were more tomorrow.” It’s not his best excuse. You don’t know what he means by that. He doesn’t know what he means by that. He’s lying to you. 

You scoff, poking your tongue against your cheek. “Wow. You really can’t not cheat during a game, can you?” 

“Right, sorry.” Spencer clears his throat after the initial confusion clears. Complete honesty, it was your only rule. “I wanted to be here.”

“For…” You egg on, purposely rolling your ‘r’s to prompt him. 

“I wanted to make sure that you were okay.” He admits, looking away from you. 

“Why?” You’re genuinely puzzled at the admission. “You’re the one who almost died. I mean, it was stupid and your fault, but still. If anything I should be checking up on you.”

“Check.” That’s the only response he gives you. He hopes that you don’t push further, but he knows that you will. 

His lack of response only forces you to think about the possible reasons by yourself, using context clues to figure it out. You are a profiler, after all. 

“Is this because of the panic attack?” You note how his jaw twitches when he swallows at the mention. “It is! You seriously chose to spend your night stuck at the office because of that?” 

“What else was I supposed to do? It’s not like you would talk to me, you literally refused to even look at me!” He gripes. 

“Spencer I think anyone would panic if they got tackled to the ground by a six foot man without warning. I’m fine.” You giggle.

“What happened to complete honesty?” It’s his turn to glare at you.

“I am being honest!” You protest.

“Lying by omission is not being honest.” He rolls his eyes.

“Okay Mr. know-it-all, what am I lying about?” You challenge.

“Seriously? You don’t remember?” His approach is doubtful and he just stares at your dazed expression.

“Fucking spit it out already, Spence!” 

Any sarcasm he had geared up for a response dissipates at your use of his nickname. He’s heard it plenty in the last few months, but not from you. For a moment things feel like they never changed. It stings in a bittersweet kind of way. 

“You sc–screamed– uh–” He clears his throat and rapidly blinks, his nose twitches in the process. “During that panic attack, you repeatedly asked me to stay with you. Y–you, uh– you said you didn’t think you could li–”

“Stop. Stop. Stop talking.” Your voice quavers and you hold your hand up, ears burning up. “I don’t wanna know.”

You don’t know why it makes your heart race the way it does, you don’t even remember it. He waits a while before speaking up again, wanting to be careful about how he goes about the topic without you shutting down.

“May I ask you a question?” He voices professionally, trying to make the conversation less personal so you don’t feel cornered. 

You nod, moving your king out of check.

“Is there anybody you will talk to about Anchorage? Without pushing them away?” He keeps the game going as he speaks to provide you with a distraction. 

“Woah– Anchorage? Where is that coming from?” You titter.

“I want you to remember that we promised to be honest and I won’t push if you ask me to stop, but I know for a fact that you aren’t okay.” He waits for you to stop him but you don’t, even though you know roughly what he’s going to say. “Panic attacks aside, your avoidant behaviour around the topic, inability to focus, being easily startled, you’re showing signs of PTSD.” 

“Spence, c’mon. I don’t need to talk to anyone. I already passed the psych evals.” You attempt to make light of the situation with carefully chosen words so you’re not lying. It was a futile attempt, you know he’s not willing to budge when he doesn’t give you anything more than a blank stare. 

“Why does this matter so much to you?” You sigh in defeat. “Whatever happened…that’s a part of the job, you know that.”

“I also know, first hand, that it takes over your life. You can’t run from it, no matter how much you try to.” His tone is soft as he speaks, yet you feel like he’s accusing you. 

“I am not running! Why would you say I’m running?” You object with a high voice, shrugging your shoulders. “And it’s not taking over my life. Also, check.”

“Because that’s what you do when you don’t want to deal with something.” He states point blank.

“Woah– so– that was entirely unnecessary.” You stammer, unable to deny it. 

“I’m not criticising you. I just happen to know you and I know that you have a tendency to run from your problems. And it is taking over your life.” 

“You’re profiling!” You gasp.

“You know that it’s not something we can just turn off! No matter how much we pretend like we can.” He waves his hands defensively. 

You can’t argue with that, your lips twisting to the side. 

“You want me to be honest?” You murmur sheepishly. 

“Always. Please.” He responds gently, wanting you to be as comfortable as possible.

“I don’t want to talk about it. I spend a good chunk of my day actively avoiding thinking about it, but somehow I always end up thinking about it anyway. At times it’s like I can almost feel…” You breathe in instinctively. “This is the first time in months I’ve been able to do anything without it lingering in the back of my mind. Can we please talk about it another time? I would rather talk about other things…”

Another time. 

“...right now.” 

You’ve implied that there will be another time to talk and he definitely caught it, even if he pretends that he hasn’t. You don’t even know if what you said is true, you got too comfortable with the familiarity of his friendship. It was something you said out of habit from back when you two actually were friends. Not even a full hour's worth of conversation with him and he’s already worming his way back in.

“Um–” You drag yourself further back on the couch, creating more physical distance. 

“That’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it at all.” Spencer senses your urgency to leave the situation and jumps into damage control. “It’s your turn.”

“No, um, I should– I should go. Thanks for doing thi– helping me.” You turn away from him, aiming for your shoes and ready to bolt.

“The game’s not over.” He points out.

“Yes it is.” You declare, still in the process of putting on your shoes.

“You said til checkmate.” He huffs, shifting out of his seated position. 

“I forfeit!” You throw your arms out in a shrugging manner, standing up after him.

“I can’t believe this. You’re going back on your word!” He doesn’t even raise his voice. He’s just hurt. 

“What’s the point, Spencer? Closure doesn’t mean anything, I’m still leaving! You can’t magically change my mind!” You yell, getting louder with each sentence. 

“I disagree. I think that you’re running again!” He blocks your way and yells back, maintaining his volume throughout. 

“Maybe you should think less!” You suggest, still yelling. Sarcasm is your defence mechanism when you have no actual defence. 

“You know what else I think?” He continues, emphasising the word ‘think’ every time he says it out of spite. “I think that you agreed to this thinking I won’t be able to convince you, but I am!”

“I don’t care what you–”

“I think you don’t want to finish the game that you started, because you’re afraid to ask the harder questions!”

“Stop.” You command, but it doesn’t deter him.

“I think that you’re scared to hear my answers because then it all becomes too real for you–” 

“Stop!” The words almost get stuck in your throat, but you choke them out. “You’re wrong.” 

“If I’m wrong then prove it. To both of us.” He sits back down and motions to the board. “Ask the real questions.” 

“I don’t need to prove anything, you’re wrong.” You uphold.

“So leave.” He challenges, knowing that you won’t be able to. 

If you truly believed that he’s wrong you wouldn’t feel the need to prove it, but you do and he knows that. You walk back over to the couch, head nodding from irritation, tongue poking your cheek. You kick your shoes off with a bit of force and return to your earlier position across from him. 

“Your move.” He reminds you as you settle in.

You don’t reply yet, but move your rook to set him up for the next move.  

“Check.” He smugly states.

“Who was she?” 

You don’t move, examining him close for any change in his behaviour. He obviously didn't anticipate that question first, snapping his sights back on you. 

“Sorry?” 

“The woman who greeted me at your door. That night at your apartment.” 

“Charlotte.” He replies, holding your gaze to show you he’s got nothing to hide. “We met at the library a week before.”

“Are you guys together?” You break away first, diverting your eyes to the chess board and trying to seem unfazed when moving your knight. 

“No, God, no.” He denies immediately. 

“I don’t know, she seemed pretty cosy for someone you met a week prior.” You don’t mean to sound as snide as you come across.

“No, it wasn’t like that at all.” He shakes his head. 

“You sure? Because I’m pretty sure I saw her mark you up with a kiss on your cheek before disappearing.” You don’t look at him, examining a captured pawn as you wait for him to make his move. 

“Mark me up?” He cognizes it instantly. “Are you…jealous?”

“What? No!” You vehemently deny, your voice rising in several pitches. 

“You are!” His eyes widen. 

“I am not jealous.” 

His jaw slacks and he lets out an amused scoff. He doesn’t say anything, making you feel the need to fill the silence. 

“I only bring it up because…I know you have a thing with…germs.” Your words falter because of your own uncertainty and you want to dissolve into the fucking floor. 

Spencer tries to suppress a smile by poking his tongue out slightly. If the atmosphere was lighter he’d tease you about it, but he doesn’t want to make you take off again. Still, he feels the need to clarify the events of the night. 

“I don’t know why she kissed my cheek, it was completely random.” He takes his time saying it, still fighting a smile.

You swallow nervously and purse your lips to the side in response. One question answered and you only have new ones in its place. Did she stay the night? Did she sleep on the couch or on his bed? Did he see her again? 

“I drove her home right after you left.” He can almost hear your thoughts. 

“Was it a date?” You softly gulp again, unsure if you even have a right to know.

“Yes.” He hesitates. 

“Oh.” 

“I wanted to try out casual dating for once.” He chagrins. “I honestly don’t know how you did it, it’s not even fun.” 

“No it’s not.” You chuckle dryly. “So no second date, I presume?”

“Definitely not. I was just stressed the whole time.” He chuckles with you. 

“Take a shot of tequila before you go next time, it helps settle the nerves.” You joke, jumping to give him advice you hope he doesn’t take. You can’t help it, it’s what you’ve always done. Even if it goes against what you desire. 

“While moderate consumption of tequila can help relax the nervous system, I will not be turning to alcohol for stress relief.” 

“Then blast classical music while you get ready and give yourself a pep talk out loud, it’s actually really efficient–”

“There won’t be a next time. For a really long time, if ever.” He interjects, miffed at your insistence. 

“You willingly plan on committing to lifelong celibacy?” You exclaim with a puzzled look. “Why?!”

Spencer laughs at how raw your reaction is. He didn’t plan on giving out any more details but, with that prompt he decides that it’s now or never. 

“I don’t think any future dates will appreciate me picturing someone else in their place the whole time.” 

Oh. 

Both of you lock eyes at the same time. This is not a road you’re prepared to go back down, even if that’s literally the whole point of this conversation. You’re too stunned to reply and Spencer uses this as an opportunity to be elaborate. He doesn’t want any misunderstandings this time. 

“I couldn’t stop pictur–”

“Shut up.” You blurt out the sentence in almost one word. 

Your heart’s racing like you’re standing on the edge of a cliff. You’re flustered, every part of your body is heated from how terrified you are.

“Y–you don’t have t–t…you don’t owe m–me an explanation.” You try to elaborate, contradicting yourself and stumbling on your words.

“I want to.” He reads that you’re apprehensive but pushes regardless. 

“Please don’t.” The tears that you thought had dried out were building again.

“Why ask if you won’t let me answer?”

You don’t have anything to say to that. Did you want answers? Yes. Still, you didn’t expect how hard they’d be to hear. He whispers your name and you scramble to think of your next move, and not in chess. You’re unable to even think about the game right now. You want to bolt, but you can’t even get yourself to move. So you deflect. 

“Because it doesn’t matter.”

“I disagree.” Although his tone is subdued, the pace of his wording is faster. “I think it does matter and that’s why you’re afraid to hear it.”

He’s right but you can’t bring yourself to agree. This is only going to over-complicate an already complicated situation.

“It’s not enough.” Your voice cracks.

“How can it be if you won’t even give it a fair shot?” 

“Fair?” 

It comes out louder than you intended. His words trigger resentment within you and you snap. 

“Nothing about any of this is fair! I mean, fucking hell, Spencer, four years. That’s how long we’ve been friends. I mean I’ve shared shit that I thought I would be taking to the fucking grave with you! You were my best friend for four fucking years and all it took was like, five seconds?”

You sob, softer than when you were first crying, but the frustration is clear. He reaches out to touch your hand, but you push his hand away. 

“No!” You choke, sobbing harder when you try to compile your thoughts. “Five seconds to destroy all of it! It makes me wonder if everything we shared, our friendship, was it ever even that strong?”

Your anger simmers to sadness, as evident with how your yelling fades into whispering in the last sentence. 

“I can’t even tell you when exactly those five seconds were. I mean, I know…but…I don’t. Where did it go wrong, Spence?” 

“I don’t know.” Is all he can say after a beat of silence.

He knows exactly where it went wrong. 

“Yeah, me neither!” You sniffle, immediately wiping a single tear that manages to escape. “So again, it doesn’t matter.” 

“When you took it back.”

“What?” 

“That’s where everything changed for me. You showed up at my apartment drunk, after your date with Nathan. Your exact words were ‘I mean as an amazing friend’.” His voice strains like he’s forcing himself to speak. 

Your gaze falls, eyes darting everywhere as you try to jog your memory beyond the one sentence you remember. 

“I don’t understand.” You croak.

“You know, if I wasn’t who I am, maybe you could love me the way I love you.” He chuckles bitterly, fighting back tears of his own. “That was– that was, uh, what you said before you took it back.”

“Spence, please…” You whine without sound, tilting your head back and chewing on your lip as a final attempt to stay composed. 

“No, you wanted to know where it went wrong.” He laughs falsely to downplay his tears. “You can say it doesn’t matter all you want, but the fact is, it does matter. It matters to me and I won’t let you run from it anymore.” 

You can’t look at him. Not with tears free falling down your face. You cup your hands together in your lap, pressing your fingers and nails together. 

“You told me that I couldn’t love you.” You struggle to sound your words. 

“I’m an idiot.” Another chuckle, but he sounds defeated. “When you said that, all I could think about was how badly I wanted to say that I do love you.” 

You tearfully laugh at this admission. 

“I only took it back because of what you said. I panicked. I thought I’d ruined things…which I guess, I still did.” Another laugh from you.

Spencer responds with the same regretful sound. 

The irony spurs another fit of giggles amongst you, this one slightly longer and infinitely more rueful than the last. You look anywhere but at each other until it grows quieter. 

“If you loved me, why the fuck would you tell me that I couldn’t love you?” You sound just as, if not more, defeated than him. 

“Love.” Spencer corrects without missing a beat. 

Your brows twitch up and your heart jumps. 

“I was so hung up on every single part of your sentence that I didn’t know what to say first.” He proceeds to answer you without leaving much room to process what he said. “I wanted to tell you that I do love you. I love you as you are. Not as somebody else.”

“But you didn’t say any of that.” You ignore all his admissions, not fully comprehending. 

“Like I said, I’m an idiot. I was in so much disbelief and that was the first thing that came out of my mouth.” He sullenly huffs.

You don’t reply, sniffling with your head down. 

“For like a second, I had everything I wanted. Then you took it back and it was like my whole world had been ripped out from under me. In those five seconds, you’d given me a taste of what I’d spent four years convincing myself I couldn’t have and I just– I couldn’t go back after that.” He adds after a stillness. 

After a short while, your focus shifts from your hands to the board in front of you. The game’s been long forgotten. You’re immersed in the conversation, in spite of how strenuous it is. 

“I understand why you were distant, even mean, at first.” You snivel. “But after a while you just became downright cruel.” 

Spencer doesn’t shy away from your gaze when you do look at him. His skin is as drenched from crying as yours is. 

“I mean ‘I don’t want to see your face’? I know that I don’t really have a leg to stand on anymore, but, what the fuck Spencer?” 

He doesn’t cringe any less with every reminder. He’s truly regretted the words since they left his mouth. 

“I wanted to hurt you.” He reveals. “I thought you were being deliberately cruel and I wanted you to feel exactly how I was feeling.”

“Deliberately?” 

He nods, hanging his head.

“I thought that you knew how I felt and were just trying to be funny or something.” 

“Well I didn’t. I wasn’t.” You cut him off with a constricted voice.

“Even if you did, it’s not an excuse.” His eyes are glistening from the outpour of tears, but he still lifts his sights back to you. “I’m sorry.” 

You don’t know how to acknowledge his apology at all. You’re not even angry anymore, all you feel is sorrow and regret for the way everything happened. An entire friendship down the drain due to an unfortunate set of circumstances. 

“This is so fucked up.” You say with another mordant laugh. “All of this could have been avoided if we just talked about it.”

It stung less when you had somebody to blame for it. Your vision blurs and you make no effort to clear it, letting yourself cry openly. 

“We’re talking about it now?” It’s almost a squeak, the way it’s spoken.

“Yeah, but,” your shoulders slump, defeatedly, and you have to pause to control your sob, “what good does it do now? I’ve already lost the best thing that’s ever happened to me in the most pathetic way possible.”

“I’m right here.” He counters in such a small voice that it gives your goosebumps. 

“Spencer, too many things have been said…”

“When you first joined the team, I instantly knew I liked you.” 

He chews on his lip and darts his eyes around while he contemplates if he wants to continue. 

“I thought it was because of your kind nature. You were so sweet to everybody.” He decides he does, but his voice shakes throughout. “You have this gift…you make people feel so good about themselves. Whenever you spoke to me, I felt like the most important person in the world. It was impossible not to like you.”

You want to pretend like you don’t know where he’s going with this. You want to stop him, but your voice is stuck in your throat.

“It wasn’t until you bought me coffee for the first time that I realised just how much I liked you.” He chuckles again, as he reminisces in the memory. “You didn’t even get my order right until the fourth time, but it was still my favourite cup of the day.”

“You make me sound like a saint.” You finally choke out, attempting to play down the confession so it doesn’t crush your heart. “The only reason I even started bringing you coffee is because you learned how I like my coffee first.” 

“Not a saint, an angel. I’ve fallen so deeply in love with you that there are times where it genuinely feels like I’m in the presence of an angel.” 

It’s stated with such sincerity that it knocks the wind out of your pipes. Your eyes are widened and you’re biting your tongue with your mouth closed, staring at him with your chin tucked. He seems so confident, even with the glistening from previous tears in his eyes.

“I wanted to be in your life in any way you would have me. Even when it meant that I had to accept you with other people. And it was bearable, until…” His reminiscence only ends at the memory of the night that changed everything. “Like I said, I couldn’t go back.”

The last part fades into another whisper, only then do you find the courage to speak up. 

“Exactly.” You stick to your denial. “It can’t go back to how it was before.”

Your heart is so sure of what it wants, but your head is blinded by fear. You’re at a crossroads, except one path, the path that leads to everything you long for, is clouded with a fog of uncertainty. The other path is so painfully clear, you can practically see what’s on the other side. A fresh start, where the risk of fucking up further doesn’t exist. What you don’t see is Spencer.

“Good. I don’t want it to go back to how it was.” 

Spencer’s waiting for you to enter the fog. He’s going to be there holding your hand every step of the way. 

“I’ve already handed in my resignation.”

“That matters less than everything you’ve claimed doesn’t matter.” He leans in, intensifying his eye contact. 

“I’m pretty sure Hotch is really close to confirming my replacement.” You comment half-heartedly. 

You’re trying anything to dissuade both him and yourself from acknowledging the obvious, but he doesn’t plan on letting you avoid it. 

“I love you.” He whispers softly.

“Spencer…” You begin when he takes hold of your hands and whatever you had to say disappears from your tongue. 

“I love you. With every atom that makes up my body.” He repeats himself with further elaboration to instil it in your mind.

“I’m scared.” You whisper back with a sob, finally accepting it. 

“Why?” His voice can’t be any softer, but it still cracks a little.

“Because, you can’t guarantee that it’s going to end well.” You allow your vulnerability to peek through. “And that’s going to hurt more. I’d rather leave now than fall deeper.”

Although you didn’t say it back, it’s an indirect admission that you love him too. And it’s enough for him to fight harder.

“I know that my credibility isn’t the greatest,” he coaxes a small, sad scoff out of you, “but I truly believe that this, us, we’ll work. Because I know that I’m going to do everything I can to make this work.”

He feels bolder when you don’t pull away from his touch, folding your fingers into your palms and cupping over them. You observe the sight as it unfolds in lieu of a verbal response. 

“I’ve spent four years judging any man that comes into your life, wishing I was in their place, swearing I would treat you better than all of them.” 

Spencer feels the need to fill in the silence and he lets honesty guide his confession. He leans in further as if he’s indulging his deepest secret. 

“Four years wasted wondering what could be, cursing out those idiots, but taking no action to make it happen. And that makes me the biggest idiot out of all of them.”

When he speaks like this, with his big, imploring eyes and prayerful tone, it melts your heart to a point where it almost hurts. The more he talks, the more you begin to lean in, opening yourself up to him.

“It took losing you to realise how badly I fucked up and for that I will never forgive myself. I know that I have no right to ask you to waste any more time on me…”

There’s no more resistance against the pull you both physically feel to each other. 

“...but I’m begging you for a chance to do today what I should have done way before yesterday.” 

Your faces grow closer by the second, you can feel each other's breaths against skin.

“And I’m going to spend every tomorrow proving what I said today.” 

The likelihood of him changing your mind with one conversation wasn’t very high, both you and Spencer knew this when you got into it. You’re not entirely surprised when he somehow manages to overcome those odds too. You take the step to close the gap and lightly press your lips to his. 

It starts off soft, there’s no lust, no ulterior motive behind it. It’s a simple confirmation that you’re both present and this is real. Spencer doesn’t shy away from the kiss, not that you’d call this a kiss. It feels more intimate, more unguarded.

Spencer pulls you onto his lap as he shifts and leans back against the backrest to allow more room for you. You wrap your arms around him and the kiss deepens. In the midst of you straddling him, he slides the entire chess board off the couch and the pieces scatter on the floor. It’s only when you feel that the kiss can’t bring you any closer to him does the lust emerge. It fuels a desire to prove that you both whole-heartedly belong to each other. 

There’s no pinpointing when the switch happens. All you know is that the feeling of his lips against yours is no longer enough. You cup his jaw in your hands, swiping your tongue on his lower lip and it causes his grip on your waist to tighten. He parts his lips for you and it starts what you can only call a dance with your tongues. 

Your breathing grows hotter, your hips subconsciously grind against him. There’s a prominent bulge that brushes against your heat and you whine into his mouth. Spencer grunts your name in response and then abruptly pulls away.

“Wait, wait, wait, slow down.” He breathlessly whispers against your lips. 

“What?” You whisper back with concern. “What’s wrong?”

“Are you sure you want to do this?” He gazes into your eyes, afraid that you might regret this later.

“I’ve never been more sure, actually.” You’re confident at first but the look in his eyes makes you pull back further. “Unless…you’re not sure?”

“No, don’t misunderstand me. I want you.” His tone rises just above the previous whisper with his clarification. “It’s just that the last thing I want to do is take advantage of you when our emotions are running high.”

“Four years, Spencer.” You lean in again, just brushing your lips against his. “The only reason you should be making me wait is if you’re not sure.”

He shuts that idea down by crashing his lips on yours. The kiss is so hungry, so desperate, it’s everything both of you have longed for and denied yourselves everytime you’ve been in each other's presence. It doesn’t take long for hands to start to roam. He traces the curve from your waist to your hips, stopping just at the hem of your shirt, tugging it like he’s asking for permission. 

You rush to undo your buttons and he meets you halfway, starting at the bottom. His fingers brush against yours as you two reach the final button and you pull the fabric off yourself. You do the same with his shirt, lips remaining locked, except for the small gasps of air you take in between. It requires a bit more manoeuvring with him, but you’re both soon shirtless. 

His mouth travels to your jaw and you shut your eyes from pleasure as he continues down to your neck. The stubble on his chin tickles your skin. You cup it, gently pushing him away with a giggle. 

“Forget to pack a razor in your bag, Dr. Reid?” Your voice is teasing, more playful than seductive.

He chuckles, airily, hiding his groan. He knows you’re being sarcastic, but the use of his title, with your voice in this context, catches him off guard. You moan as you feel his growing bulge against your heat when his arms tighten around your waist, pulling you into his kiss. You swiftly undo the clasp of your bra, but before you can take it off, Spencer grabs you from just below the hips and lifts you up off him, gently laying you down on the seat of the couch. 

There’s no room for hesitation as his lips find your neck again and he nips at the skin. Every suckle earns him short gasps and the grip in his hair tightens as he travels lower. He stops just above your breast, pulling himself up to sit on his knees. You stare up at him with a heated gaze, the nail of your thumb resting between your teeth with your lips parted to make up for the loss of his lips. 

He reaches for your bra strap and begins pulling slowly, searching your eyes for any signs of you withdrawing consent. All he sees is how beautifully they sparkle when you give him a light nod. It’s been too long since he’s seen the stars that you hold in your eyes, stars he accustomed himself to before he even got to properly know you. 

Gazing into his eyes, you’ve never felt more sure, more safe. You trust him implicitly and you’ve never wanted anything more. His constant need to make sure you're comfortable sends shivers down to your core. He slides the garment off you and Spencer’s beyond grateful that he’s already on his knees, knowing that if he was standing he’d fall to them because of the sight below him. 

His eyes don’t falter once, he’s trying to permanently etch this moment into his brain. He hovers his fingers above your body, thumb brushing against your hardened nipple and you softly whine. He looks awestruck, almost like he doesn’t believe what’s happening. You can’t help but wonder if he thinks your boobs look weird. 

“Beautiful.” The words fall out of his mouth in a whisper, as if on cue. He’s really just thinking out loud.

Before you can respond he lowers down and plants a small peck to your sensitive nub before taking it into his mouth. You gasp again, head lolling back in pleasure. One of your hands goes for his hair, while the other clings to his hand that’s already holding yours. He switches between sucking, pulling and squeezing; rolling it between his tongue and uses his teeth to squeeze ever so slightly.

“S–spencer.” A strangled moan falls from your lips. 

You tug his hair, whining and moaning as your hips roll against the strain in his pants. When your motions become continuous, he lets out his own strained groan and is forced to release your nipple with a small ‘pop’. 

“Angel, I really need you to stop doing that.” He murmurs in your ear with a gentle, gravelly tone.

As soon as the nickname reaches your ears your hips involuntarily buck up again, making his hips automatically push down against yours. His cock presses against your core and you both moan, his head falling against your shoulder.

“Spence, more.” You quietly whine in against his ear. “I need more.” 

“More?” He echoes back, turning his head so that your lips brush past each other when speaking. 

“Mhm.” You nod weakly as he brushes a strand of hair out of your face and weakly connects his lips with yours.

Even when he’s got you vulnerable and at your most compromised, he’s still as gentle as ever. You don’t feel him undo your pants or sneak his hand in them, but you definitely feel him press the pads of his fingers against your clothed clit. Air escapes through your nose in a huff of surprise and you hum in his mouth, hips jolting at his touch. He can feel your slickness through your underwear. 

“Oh, my pretty girl.” He sighs, breaking the kiss and directing his whispers in your ear again. “All wet for me?”

“Please..” Even with your broken whimper you beg him for more. 

“Like this?” His deft fingers swipe your panties to the side, fingers landing directly on the clit this time. 

They feel cold at first. The contrast against your heated body makes you squirm and you groan in a soft, high pitch. 

“What are you feeling right now?” He pries a verbal response from you, circling your bud lightly. “Tell me.”

“Good.” You sigh, eyes shut as you try to savour the pleasure. 

“Good?” His voice is still soft against your ear.

“Mhm.” You nod, one arm draping against his shoulder and the other hand running along his scruffy jaw. “So good.” 

“And this?” He adds pressure to his movements. “Does this feel good?”

Your hips buck again and he feels rewarded when you moan. There’s no doubt that the sound of your voice is his favourite. He especially loves it when it’s directed at him. Whether that be in the form of a laugh or your sweet moans. It makes him somewhat dizzy. His lips attach to the skin just under your jaw in an attempt to coax more. 

It’s very effective. Fingers working your bundle of nerves, circling and flicking while changing the pressure, and mouth kissing and sucking near your pulse. It makes your back arch, hand gripping his shoulder so you don’t float away. He’s careful not to leave any purple traces of him on your neck, mindful of you being bombarded with questions from your colleagues.  

“I love how reactive you are, Angel. You sound divine– fuck.” He can’t help the grunt that escapes him. “You are divine.”

His touch alone is enough to make you feel electric, but the sweet nothings he’s whispering in your ear will be what send you over the edge. It’s a foreign feeling, being reminded that he values you for more than just your body. Just under an hour ago you had incredibly high walls built around you and none of them are left standing as you exposed under him.

Spencer’s not the first man to touch you, but he is the first that loves you. It’s something you’re not at all used to and it feels as overwhelming as it does good. It transcends the want, no, the need for the man on top of you beyond lust or love. You plan to show him just how strong that need is tonight. 

The carpeted floor is littered with your clothes, carelessly thrown around and tiny chess pieces scattered around the abandoned chess board. Spencer’s comfortably lying on the couch, facing the ceiling and you’re lying directly on top of him with your face buried in his neck. 

You run your fingers back and forth along his jaw, scratching his beard in slow streaks. He’s enveloped you in his arms, one around your lower back and the other playing with your hair. It doesn’t feel as peaceful as it seems, both of you are afraid of being the first to speak. You know you can’t stay like this forever and you decide to bite the bullet. 

“Spencer?” 

You only get silence from his end. You know he’s awake because his motions in your hair don’t stop. You push yourself up to face him, trying to study his face. The sudden movement brings him back from wherever he was zoned out to. 

“Hm?” His features jump.

Does he regret it?

“What’s wrong?” Your voice shakes from worry. “You have this look on your face.” 

“Nothing’s wrong. I’m just thinking.” 

“About…?” 

“How bad we are at communicating.” He chuckles. “It’s concerning when you think about how all we ever do is talk.” 

Hearing this makes you snort and you fall into him again. It sends both of you into a short fit of laughter. 

“Oh that’s promising for the success of this relationship.” You giggle, sarcasm evident. 

Hearing relationship makes Spencer inhale sharply. 

“So you’re staying?” 

“Well obviously, Dingbat.” You scoff playfully at the question and shift upright, straddling him. “But we really do need to get better at the communication thing for this to work.”

Spencer mounts his weight on his hands by either side of him and pushes himself up to you, stealing a deep kiss. 

“Yes, we absolutely do.” He whispers, breaking away for only a second. 

The kisses fizzle in you a plethora of smaller kisses. 

“Spencer, I’m– serious.” You voice in between, loosely draping your arms on his shoulders. 

“I am too.” He says in a hushed tone as he pulls away. 

“I want to take it– this,” you motion between the two of you with your finger, “us, slow. Not four years slow, but, like, by a couple of months at the very least.”

“Okay.” He agrees, his eyes scouring your face with complete adoration. It’s not ideal, but he understands where you’re coming from. 

“That means that we start again. Romantically. We have to talk about a lot of things first.” 

He shifts his body out from under you, resting his back properly against the couch and pulls you back into his lap in one swift motion. Both of his hands graze from your shoulder to your wrist.

“How about…you come over this weekend,” He suggests, wrapping his arms around your waist for a hug, “we’ll do snacks, a movie, maybe an actual game of chess.” 

“That sounds like a date.” You wrap your arms around his neck to return the gesture and lean your forehead against his. 

“It’s not a date. Not yet, anyways.” He whispers. “I’m asking you to come over this weekend so we can talk about things properly, because frankly, I don’t think either of us is in the right headspace for it right now.” 

“Should I be offended at that?” You giggle, not entirely sure what he’s alluding to. 

“No!” He snorts with a high tone. “Dopamine aside, our Norepinephrine and Serotonin levels are too high right now for us to have a proper conversation about this.” 

“I’m not saying that you’re wrong, because you’re not, but I also think you’re just using science to try and confuse me, so that I agree to wherever this speech is heading.” 

“It’s times like this where your attentiveness puts me at a disadvantage, because this tactic has a hundred percent success rate on everybody else.” He grins and you chuckle, both leaning in for another kiss. 

“Can we hold off on starting over? Just for tonight.” He reluctantly voices, not wanting to push any boundaries. 

You draw back and raise your eyebrows with your eyes widened. 

“Spence, I have waited for years for this. You’re insane if you think I’m giving that up without relishing in it for at least a night. We’re not starting over until we’re both officially back on the clock.” 

“Okay.” He heaves from relief, leaning in for another kiss, but quickly withdraws with a new question. “Don’t you think the team’s going to be suspicious when we’re not fighting tomorrow?”

“Forget them, what am I gonna say to Hotch when I ask to withdraw my resignation?” You huff out a tiny groan. “He’s gonna hate me for all this paperwork.”

Paperwork reminds you why you’re here to begin with. You audibly gasp, jumping off Spencer and scrambling to put your clothes back on. 

“Fuck! Spencer, get dressed!” 

Spencer doesn’t share your panic, but adheres to your demand. You mutter a continuous line of obscenities as you throw on your clothes and when you don’t seem to be getting calmer, he intervenes. 

“Hey, hey, hey!” He coos as he steps towards you, still undressed on the upper-half. “What’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong is that we’ve been here for hours!” You shriek, now fully dressed. 

You push past Spencer and grab his shirt, deciding that he was too slow on his own. He lets you dress him as he probes further. 

“That’s okay. No one’s going to notice this late.” 

“No– Spence–” You sigh, throwing your head back. “In less than four hours, Hotch is going to walk into his office expecting the Anchorage report on his desk. I’ve barely been able to get half of it done in weeks, how am I going to finish it in four hours?”

You shake your head and begin working on his buttons. He grabs your wrists, urging you to look at him. 

“You’ll have it done in less than one. I’ll help you!” His voice is light, airy, soft and accompanied with a chuckle.

“Spencer, you’ve already been here later than you need to be. It’s okay–”

“Let me help you.” He resorts to pleading, releasing your wrists and cupping your face.

You don’t have it in you to argue, his eyes staring back at you with sincerity. He wants to help. There’s no point in pushing him away, because as scared as you are about being too vulnerable with your trauma from that case, you trust him wholeheartedly. You know he won’t push for more than what you choose to share right now.

“Okay.” You nod and smile into the kiss he leans in for after the confirmation. 

“Okay. Now, you go and start some coffee.” he instructs softly with a wide grin, waving to the scattered chess ensemble. “ I’m going to clean up here and join you.”

“I love you!” You lean for another kiss and hushedly exclaim as you break away, receding towards the door. 

It’s Spencer’s turn to lose his breath. He’s affirmed his love for you countless times tonight and this is the first time you’ve verbally reciprocated it. He knows that it won’t be the last time either. That, to him, makes him the luckiest man in the world. He stops you from going any further by your arm and gently yanks you in his direction, crashing his lips with yours. 

“I love you too.” He whispers after the kiss, letting you go. 

Heat rises in your face again and you struggle to hide a huge dopey smile, one that Spencer has too. You’re floating on cloud nine, finally out of the blurry hurricane you’ve endured for months. There’s still a lot of things that you need to work out, but the thought of them doesn’t make you feel dread like it once did. 

"One word frees us of all the weight and pain in life. That word is Love." - Socrates

Spoilers: Yapperoni (so much dialog in this chapter), BAU! Reader, enemies (kinda) to lovers, hurt, comfort, love confessions (they might be a little too sappy, idk, I was sleep deprived), the praise made me giddy at some point, smut but I edge you by not writing out everything, happy ending.

AN - I have a little tiny fear that people (me) will nawt (I don’t) fuck with this monstrosity, but out of all my drafts, this felt like the most natural course of action. I thought it would be really fun to go from friends to enemies to lovers. Now, literally nobody talk to me about writing fics after this. Uni’s started, so I’ll be very inconsistent for a bit. Casual reminder: I am not Spencer Reid. I don’t have an IQ of 187. Any facts I make him spew could very well be bull-shit and he only spews them for the purpose of the story. I also have no knowledge of how the FBI works and lack a ton of common sense. A lot of things were made up for the purpose of this story.

A comment today keeps semicolon away (from showing up to your house and eating all your snacks).

Thank you for reading!

[psshaw]

OKAY SO I have a lot of swirling thoughts and factors on this, and also a head cold, but here's my best shot.

If you make someone you’re attracted to, you get to look at them all the time. We all deserve such a gift.

Several layers of distance! I can explore weird, rough, and vulnerable subjects without people assuming they’re meant to represent me. They're a safe buffer for when I don't want to talk about myself or what I want. Plus, I much prefer thinking about their problems. They’re like a little hotel room I get to trash and leave someone else with the bill!

When I see a girl I think is cool, I want to be like her. When I make cool girls I have to be careful because I might make her a cooler girl than me. She might bite my style! Or worse, I'd have to bite hers. Boys are for writing, girls are for dressup games, haha.

I like to keep fiction and reality separate. The project of myself is separate from the project of forcing everyone to look at my little pet-baby-dolls, and I see no reason to mix the two types of expression.

In that vein, I really don't like playing as myself! I made "me" in BG3 once, and while I loved making my character and looking at her makes me all gender-euphoric, I hated asking myself "what would I do". That's not a fun fantasy! (Also most video game girl clothes suck, as we know.)

Internalized misogyny of some kind— for a long time, women in art or ads would register to me more as mannequins, tokens, or even voids. The bland, surface-level femininity being sold was like white noise, nothing to do with me. (A stark contrast to the real women in my life, some of whom I’ve always admired and wanted to be like. All of my distaste for girlhood came from the marketing and being assigned products!) I think I got the idea that if she was designed by somebody, then she wasn’t going to reflect what I wanted. Granted, I feel this way about a lot of stuff. But when people talk about misogyny in fandom, I feel like I know exactly what they mean.

Being a dude sucks in an interesting way, haha. They slot much easier into the “I genuinely thought this would go well for me” or fall-from-grace narrative. I also like subverting expectations, so it's fun to give them unexpected sensitivity or emotional cleverness. And frankly, it's just less loaded to do violence to them.

When I’m fascinated by someone, I try to get really, really in their head. I’m talking “getting a weird rush from imagining them filling out forms” levels of granularity. With dudes, there’s a lot more to explore because their experiences are stereotypically different from mine— I like to joke that it’s like teratophilia. (Nevermind the uh, sharp teeth and etc they all seem to get.)

At this point I’m just spoiled. Every time I draw a dude, it’s halfway to drawing two dudes making out.

[stilljuststardust]

PLEASE YAP ABOUT YOUR DRS I LOVE IT WHEN YOU DO THAT, I LOVE LEARNING NEW THINGS BOUT YOU

I've tried to have DR accounts but speaking into the void makes me feel so weird and it's harder to yap that way.

I'm usually very private about my Drs so I'll share stuff people IRL don't know/can't be traced back to me. I don't know if I've even told my friends about this DR yet.

Anyways. Breaking news ig:

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:

My Shifter DR

Sorry yet again if this is how you find out I don't live inside of a black and white surrealist photograph

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:

This is a 2020 shiftok DR.

Playlist

This is basically my buffer reality. A quiet life where I can take a break from more intense realities while also being able to express myself fully. I hate the separation I feel from non shifters and this reality doesn't have that disconnect.

Its basically a better CR but where shifters can live authentically. A version of the web with shifter centric Google, Pinterest, TikTok, youtube, though obviously they aren't named the same as it's the shifter version of each thing.

The community in that reality has all of the late night sleepover energy of old shiftok with none of the misinformation or desperation. Just a real community coming together and gossiping.

There is a version of the internet only available to reality shifters. A secret society far far away from the prying eyes of anti shifters, where you can post without the worry that if anything too cringe will land you in a middle grade YouTubers shitty think piece. Even if the general public had access they wouldn't care because this reality is built for my inner weird kid.

Cringe culture is dead in this reality. Anyone I tell about shifting will be accepting even if they themselves are not a shifter and I will never again pause awkwardly as I decide if it's lying to say I have a boyfriend if that boyfriend is a fictional character. Basically, people mind their fucking business when it comes to shifters instead of shitting themselves everytime they hear about it.

My favorite thing I scripted is being able to download and upload media from your DRs and post it instead of trying to cobble together recreations. There is an application called scriptr that's basically the Holy Grail. Its a mash up of Notion, Pinterest, and the Sims. You can design your bedroom and a real photo of it will pop into existence, create an avatar of your desired self, search for a specific reality or time period and find exclusively accurate results, prompts, etc.

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:

My life there

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:

I did script myself younger, but not to the age I was in 2020. Before a bunch of people get mad at me, the age change is incredibly small. I'm only aging back one year, because 18 was traumatic and I didn't get to experience it at all. I think you'll live if I'm the age I was six months ago guys.

It's not an exciting reality and it's not supposed to be, it's a quiet life where I can escape from my twelve other less quiet lives. Yes I also have a waiting room for that but that reality isn't a home, my WR is a silly little place where I watch edits of myself.

I've scripted the reality as this really healing place for me. That feeling you had picking flowers on the side of the field instead of participating with everyone else, how holidays felt when you still believed in magic, how you were before they banned fun and whimsy.

I grew up feeling like there was something wrong with me and all I ever really wanted was to feel like I wasn't weird, so this reality says fuck that shit I'm just gonna be weird.

I've mentioned before that I put subliminals on a playlist as a shortcut for scripting so take a look at the ones I saved for DRs energy: here

This reality is all sitting in silk robes as I live stream with my friends talking about our DRs, long walks in the meadow by my house, buying luxury perfumes, and cooking with my mom. Its all the whimsy and nostalgia and the weird kid tendencies this reality tends to discourage after a certain age. My life there is Wattpad, silly edits, and storytimes.

I spend hours lounging on my canopy bed as I script diabolical shit, and then when I finally go outside and touch grass I lose myself in the wonderful woods behind my house.

If you are reading this I really suggest you have a reality where you can be yourself. Be whatever weird annoying person you've tried to get rid of, because you were only doing what made you happy.

It's just me, my cat, and my 16 hour screentime against the world.

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧*:

[rocky-the-rockstar]

Not to yap about something almost completely irrelevant in 2024, but people on tiktok been pissing me off, so in PASSIONATE defense of Danger Days: I think it's really stupid when people feel the need to "defend" their dislike of the album by claiming that MCR somehow "betrayed" their audience by creating it. I heavily relate to the feeling of hating something because it's different from what I've grown to love and expect from a title, but that doesn't make that thing "wrong" or even bad. I can imagine how it felt to be so excited for new music only to not like it, but it can be left at "it sounds so different and therefore not my vibe and Im disappointed" without trying to accuse and vilify the artists.

Before he is an "emo icon" and even before he's a musician, Gerard Way is first and foremost a story writer and an artist. MCR has always existed to tell a story, spread a message, and be an artistic outlet. Which Danger Days does beautifully and creatively. Black Parade's story, hell even stuff like the I'm Not Ok music video etc etc, had themes of hope as well. While stronger and louder in Danger Days, it still wasn't a new thing by any means. It's by far their most political album, it's not like they "sanitized" themselves. It may be in a totally different sounding, less angsty, brightly colored package but "fight against those who hate and try to change you, live on and be ok after those you idolized and loved die, and create something good by being yourself" was not at all a new message from them. MCR's album world building, lore, detail, characters, and storytelling may quite literally be at its peak with Danger Days. Hell they even created a separate EP to make songs as a fictional band of side characters in the danger days universe so they could show you what kind of music the killjoys were listening to.

They gave us this whole fictional world to play with, that's not the act of sell outs who didn't care anymore, that's the act of an artist trying to share a part of themselves with you. That's the act of nerds and roleplayers trying to invite you into a self indulgent escape from reality.

A direct follow up to the Black Parade never would have worked. Trying to carry on a similar vibe immediately after the success of the Black Parade never would have worked. Both in terms of success and authenticity. The best and most creatively fulfilling option was to pivot entirely. They clearly knew and cared about this. Gerard said his heart wasn't creatively in the Paper Kingdom, he said there wasn't enough emotion in Conventional Weapons, he said that the "gothic vampire look" was no longer seen as "scary" and unsettling so they dropped it cuz they didn't wanna be "sexy vampires", the band broke up because "it wasn't fun anymore" Danger Days WAS an act of preserving their artistic vision and enjoyment of the band.

Gerard has always rejected labels, both on the band and himself. You can dislike Danger Days all you want for sounding so different, no one cares, but bands are allowed to experiment and the emotions they sing about are allowed to grow and change. Slapping a label on them and then turning your nose up in disgust and anger at anything they create for you that "isn't emo enough" and doesn't fit in the box you put them in is stupid. And, crazy enough, is one of the points OF the album.

[grymmalkin]

Sometimes i wish I don’t know english very well and just post stuff in my own language so I can just blissfully live without knowing about how mean people could be

I’m not generalising this but some western fans or just people who’s first language are eng, are often a lot more outspoken about hating content creators whose views or opinions they don’t agree with. from what I’ve observed, instead of blocking, muting or ignoring a ship, art or artist they dislike… some would go out of their way to spend time directly commenting on the actual posts to say how much they hate it— and I think it’s pretty rude.

Like it’s fine to dislike or hate something obviously but hurting an artist/writer/etc.’s feelings or saying mean words just because you disagree with how a FICTIONAL character is portrayed is just not right.

No matter how much you call your favorite character your blorbos or your skrunklies… at the end of the day they’re not real, people need to separate fiction and reality

Hurting real people emotionally over fictional matters is never right

[myfandomrealitea]

It confuses me when people say they're "neutral" on the pro/anti issue. Aside from seeming dismissive, the strange part is that most of these folks actually do share the same beliefs as pro-shippers -- understanding that fiction isn't real, not harassing others over fiction, and being against censorship, etc -- but they don't acknowledge it for some reason? Because by saying that they don't harass other people over fiction and understand that fiction is separate from reality, they are agreeing with pro-shippers.

But then they supposedly don't "care" enough to "pick a side". Alright, so, why are you here? By commenting on pro-ship posts about how neutral you are, you are still getting involved. By saying, "I won't pick a side because [I think the fact that it's a problem in the first place is ridiculous since it's just fiction, come on now,]" you are sharing the exhausted sentiments of pro-shippers! We agree with you. We're also fed up with it!

(Sorry for rambling. Love your blog!)

A lot of it stems from not wanting to be associated with the concept of proshipping that anti-propaganda has perpetrated. The word 'proship' is a massive target on someone's back which has become synonymous for some people with things like pedophile and abuse apologist.

"Not caring enough to pick a side" can often be translated to "I support this one side, but not enough to open myself up to abuse and harassment on its behalf."

It can also be translated as "I support this side, but not enough to spend my time arguing about it with people."

All of which are valid stances to have. I'm friends with people who are both engaged and passive about proshipping.

[imaginarylungfish]

more 431 thoughts (based on leaks)

i've had more time to mull over 431 and here are some of my thoughts. they aren't as nicely laid out as my previous post on my thoughts on the end of mha (or what i thought was the end) but that's probably because, in all honesty, i was disappointed with 431. alright, here we go:

izuku

I was initially surprised when he decided he'd continue being a teacher and do hero work on the side. It made me think "why the hell did they put so much time and money into that suit of yours then?" but izuku being a teacher also makes a lot of sense given his background of getting ofa, being mentored by all might, and losing ofa. it makes sense that with his observational skills and battle strategy, he would want to help other young students be the best heroes they could be, just like his mentors helped him.

at the same time, i can't help but feel as if there is an unclear message in the end for izuku as a character. i wrote previously that ending with izuku as a quirkless hero would have been a great conclusion to izuku's character arc. having him recognize his inherent worth and heroism rather than something external to himself (like a quirk) would have been a great way to see izuku's growth.

but him ending up working full-time as a teacher (granted, with hero work on the side) also shows growth in that he has accepted what he's good at and found joy there. (how adult of him!) i just think having him also work as a hero on the side is a bit funny. i think there would have been a clearer message if he was either a teacher or a quirkless hero, not both. that's one of my biggest frustrations with 431.

now, onto him rejecting katsuki's offer to join his agency. i mean, this is directly tied into izuku sticking with teaching full time. if we continue with what 431 is implying, it's showing us that izuku is now accepting what he wants and not doing what others want of him (ie. not accepting katsuki's offer to appease katsuki). i think this chapter shows us how izuku has accepted that his high school dream of being a hero wasn't necessarily what his 20-something self wants anymore. he's moving past those old dreams onto something else. and i think that's what disappoints me. mha is fiction, a reprieve from reality for me. and while mha tackled some heavy topics (bullying, child abuse, moral ambiguity, etc.), i expected the ending to be more in line with the upbeat nature the manga first started out with.

i was also surprised that katsuki and izuku's character arcs ended so separately. it seemed like prior to 430, the pair was on track to work together in the future as heroes. i think you can now interpret katsuki's actions in 430 as just mere atonement based on how he acts in 431. but i previously interpreted 430!katsuki as connecting with izuku in a deeper way by giving izuku access to his dream with the suit and calling izuku "deku" to reinforce izuku's innate heroism.

idk, my biggest gripe with izuku's ending now is that there seemed to be bigger and more important themes involving izuku's character (ie. realizing you can be a hero without a quirk) that were never fully fleshed out. now, the only real character growth we see is all confined to 431: izuku is now deciding to put himself first (in going after ochaco).

canon izu/ocha was disappointing to me because of the lack of development throughout the manga. i understand i can view izu/ocha happening now (8 years later) as izuku never taking the time to understand his feelings because he never put himself first until katsuki pointed it out to him in the car in 431, but it just seems really bleh to me. but whatever.

katsuki

i really hated 431 for katsuki. it left a bad taste in my mouth. it seemed like katsuki was just sad and listless.

if i interpret 431 as it is meant to be (or i, at least, think it is meant to be), then it seems like katsuki is realizing/has realized his place in izuku's life (as an acquaintance rather than a close friend). someone on twitter said that izuku rejecting katsuki's offer to join his agency signaled the end of katsuki's atonement. therefore, katsuki is now "free" of the guilt he had for bullying izuku as a kid. and so, when they go separate ways at the end, it is symbolizing that the pair finally are their own people and not toxically connected anymore.

i do think that's what 431 is showing. but i just don't like it lol. i wish it ended on a happier note, like 430. 431 just seems to water down all of katsuki's character growth at the end of the manga. like i said in previous posts, katsuki's whole arc was that he was jealous of izuku's innate heroism so he bullied him, only to realize that katsuki was actually trying to catch up to izuku and not the other way around. i wish 431 showed the result of izuku and katsuki coming together (i don't mean romantically, bakudeku was never going to be canon--just platonically) having healed their respective traumas/insecurities in a hero partnership. that's what i thought 430 was alluding to.

plus, it almost feels as if katsuki's character development went backwards in 431. sure, he's less angry and is actually helping izuku out (with pointing out how izuku treats everyone special, implying he should put himself first and go after ochaco since that is apparently what izuku wants now but can't see it). but katsuki was already on his way with those things in the last few chapters before 430. shouldn't he be even more emotionally developed after 8 years? it was disappointing to see him 15th on the rankings due to his attitude. it just made katsuki seem one-dimensional, as if he was the Angry Character played for laughs.

shoto

i was already satisfied with shoto's ending in 430. 431 only added to my satisfaction. it shows us that shoto is continuing to heal from his trauma and deciding to live life for himself (by going to make bowls and chopsticks in ishikawa). his whole thing was that he was born out of endeavor's selfish desire to surpass all might, so i really loved shoto saying that being a hero is not all that he is. he's shedding more of his father's dreams in favor of his own.

i think it was really beautiful to see that shoto became #2 hero from being a good person. it shows such a contrast between him and endeavor as #2. shoto be healing that generational trauma and we love to see it!

also, he smiled so much this chapter. it was amazing to see! he deserves all the happiness!!

ochaco

i never wrote about ochaco in my last post because she felt flat to me the last few chapters. i didn't feel like there was much content to go off of for her. so i liked how in 431, we see her processing more of what happened for her during the war, specifically her fight with toga, as 429 definitely wasn't enough. (this also makes me a little more upset at the fact we didn't izuku processing any trauma from the war (dude essentially killed shigaraki) but whatever.)

but, then i really don't like how her character is just there to be izuku's love interest in the end. ochaco was so much more than that! from what was going on in the war/the last few chapters, she seemed to be becoming much more her own person vs relying on deku to inform her as a hero like she did at the beginning of the manga.

and this is not to say getting together with someone is total annihilation of yourself as your own person, because we can also argue that ochaco took 8 years to herself to grow as a person before getting together with izuku. but the izu/ocha confession just seemed weak (because of my points above regarding izuku).

i think if there was more development, izu/ocha could have been really good! i liked how in 431 we figuratively see her being pushed by toga to live her life for herself. but the execution was just a bit weird for me. toga was like too involved in the confession but oh well. (if hori knew about togachao then that was just a sick joke lol.)

i understand the shonen formula that the male protag will eventually get together with the first female he blushes at but oi i hate that formula (not only because it's heteronormative but also because it's a bit misogynistic)! i really wish there was more consistent development of izu/ocha's relationship throughout the manga. we see such little investment from izuku (and i get that that reinforces the idea that izuku has always treated everyone as special but a little more internal monologue from izuku's perspective on his feelings for ochaco wouldn't have hurt).

the lack of izuku's interest in ochaco in the manga is partially why i ship bakudeku. izuku just doesn't show much consistent interest in anyone because he is nice to everyone. so, in my opinion, since izuku most consistently showed interest in katsuki, bakudeku made a bit more sense to me than izu/ocha. that doesn't mean i thought bakudeku would be canon (this is queer ship and shonen jump, y'all). it just means izu/ocha felt out of place for me personally.

overall, there were aspects of 431 i liked (seeing aged-up class 1a together again, insight into ochaco's headspace since the war/fight with toga, additions to shoto's character arc) but much that i didn't (katsuki's stagnation as a character, the lack of development in katsuki and izuku's friendship, izuku's weak narrative end, izu/ocha canon after no real development throughout the manga).

i feel like 431 watered down some strong themes mha had going for it, even if they were already a bit weaker after 430. but there were still some really good aspects of 431 (ie. shoto's whole arc) that tied the narrative together nicely.

if we're talking about ships, i was happy with none confirmed in 430. i liked the idea that ochaco had a crush, accepted it, and grew from it/out of it by putting herself first. some may argue that would have been a sad ending just as i see katsuki's lack of integration in izuku's life as sad. but different opinions!

i wanted an open-ended conclusion with ships but whatever! it's just a manga after all! i think us bakudekus have some great canon fodder for fics with 431 (heavy angst ofc lol)

[becauseimanicequeen]

Don't Ask Me for QL Recommendations Because My Taste is BAD

Bad as in TRASHY.

For your own good, don't ask me for recommendations.

I'm writing this because I've gotten some asks lately for QL recommendations and I wanted to spare you the pain.

If you still don't trust me (because to be fair, why would you? I'm just a random weirdo on the internet), let me tell you how bad my taste is so you'll know why I'm doing you a great favor by sparing you the pain.

(I also watch, and rewatch, series/films for ridiculous reasons, yet another reason not to listen to me. I’ll come back to this in a minute.)

Let's start with a brief rewind to a couple of decades ago (because it matters in this context).

The first queer content of any kind I can remember watching was Xena: The Warrior Princess in the late 90s and early 00s (I was a child/pre-teen at the time). It was such a pivotal point for me, which is why I remember it vividly. Not only was Lucy Lawless (the actress playing Xena) the most beautiful human being I had ever seen at that point, Xena was also queer and I loved her.

The series, though? It’s bad.

It’s over-the-top, contains ridiculous humor, face-palm-worthy fight scenes, etc., etc. (But, it was also the 90s, so it was quality television at the time, no matter what anyone else says.) It was so bad that it was ridiculously entertaining. I would watch it today (if I could find it anywhere…). That’s how bad my taste is (or how attached I am to bad shit).

That’s when the groundwork for my bad taste was laid. I blame THANK Xena: The Warrior Princess for it.

Then there was a huge skip until July last year when I found the Asian QL world, because I had no idea it even existed (I’m from Europe, btw).

(My personal story is that I fell into the queer/gay film world before the QL world, and the queer films I could find were made and released very sporadically. But ever since I found the treasure trove of Asian QL series in July 2023, I’ve watched 291 series/films as of right now.)

The reason I fell into the Asian QL world was thanks to a Short on YouTube with the main characters from Roommates of Poongduck 304 kissing. (Want to know what convinced me to watch it? One of them was wearing blue and the other pink, two of my favorite colors. Yep, that’s the reason. Told you it would be ridiculous.)

Since then, I’ve been exploring this rabbit hole and loving every second of all the bad shit that’s out there (there’s some great shit too, and some great things that aren’t shit at all, but they’re not really my taste because my taste is trashy, remember?).

I quickly noticed what my taste was pulling me towards and, in some cases, the trashier it was, the more I liked it.

(I’m talking about fiction here. I’m mature enough to be able to separate fiction from reality. Just because I enjoy watching a series/film that depicts a problematic topic, and sometimes do it in a problematic way, doesn’t mean I condone it in real life. I’m just putting this here as a disclaimer because people on the internet are easily offended nowadays. And I honestly don’t have time to respond to people who are venting their anger after purposefully misinterpreting what I’ve said, unless there’s a very valid reason, which there usually isn’t.)

So, what are some of my favorites that I absolutely do not recommend you watch?

Unless you want to watch trash, then, have at it. Just don't say I didn't warn you.

(Btw, if you like any of these, I apologize for calling your taste bad and trashy. But, if you like any of these, I think you already know your taste is bad. Also, if you like any of these, hey, bestie!)

Let’s start with the less extreme ones so I don’t scare you away from the start. After that, they’re in no particular order.

(With the issues/TW section for each series/film I include possible trigger warnings, taboo topics, what viewers/commenters have brought up as problematic, my possible issues with the writing, etc. I won’t list everything (because some of them would have looong lists) but I’m including some of the major ones.)

Kiseki: Dear to Me (Taiwan)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, age gap, “adoptive” brothers becoming lovers, etc.

Both couples in this series have their own set of issues. Ai Di and Chen Yi are the “adoptive” brothers who become lovers while Ze Rui and Zong Yi have an age gap (I can’t remember how big of an age gap but I think it was close to 10-ish years).

(Before I move on there’s one thing you should know about me… I was born into a family with a varying degree of age gaps within marriages, from 2 to 23 years. Even though we’ve talked about the bigger age gaps occasionally, it’s never been an issue. I don’t mind age gaps as long as they’re legal. Does that mean I would hook up with someone in their late teens or early twenties? No. I would rather hook up with someone who has a fully developed brain, which science suggests doesn’t happen until somewhere in the mid-to-late-twenties. But it does mean that age gaps (as long as they’re legal) aren’t something I’ll be bothered by or judgemental of.)

Kiseki: Dear to Me is one of my favorite series because:

It’s from Taiwan, and the Taiwanese QLs are generally great at dealing with more difficult and taboo topics.

Ai Di is the feistiest, most colorful, and pettiest bitch and I love him with my entire ice-cold heart.

Chen Yi looks amazing in black.

The neon lights (because I’m a slut for that).

Also, the kissing (from both couples) is great.

You know, I did say that these would be series/films I absolutely do not recommend you watch. But I’ll actually recommend this one. Watch it. It’s great.

Unknown (Taiwan)

Issues/TW: Age gap, “adoptive” brothers becoming lovers, etc.

This is another one I’ll actually recommend you watch because it’s great.

The main couple (Qian and Yuan) are the “adoptive” brothers becoming lovers while the age gap is most prominent between San Pang (Qian’s business partner) and Lili (Qian’s younger sister). There’s also the fact that San Pang is part of their chosen family and has seen Lili grow up and stuff. So, if that bothers you, then don’t watch it.

The biggest reasons I would personally recommend it to those I know aren’t particularly bothered by taboo topics are because:

The yearning is palpable (and I love shit like that).

Qian would move heaven and earth for his family.

The great story.

The even more amazing acting.

Some moments made me bawl (and since I'm an ice queen, I get obsessed with shit that shatters my ice and makes me cry).

I know I said my taste is trashy… but I would actually give myself a gold star for loving this one.

Now, back to the real trash…

Love in the Air (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, SA, rape, MAME, etc.

Everyone and their aunt (or however the saying goes in English) seem to have an issue with MAME (the original creator of LITA and several other trashy BLs) and for good reason. (I would say that she improved a lot with Wedding Plan, which is the least problematic thing I’ve watched from her and it’s the latest series of hers, as of right now.) If she’s grown, remains to be seen. But it doesn’t change the fact that LITA has some issues.

Honestly, I just watch this for the visuals, as in the motorcycles and the neon lights. That’s it. That’s the reason.

I mean, if you look at the whole first sex scene between Sky and Prapai, you get what I mean with the neon lights. It’s divine. (I recently rewatched LITA for this very reason. A waste of time, you say? Not when you’re a slut for neon lights.)

Don’t watch this though! Just enjoy this gif instead…

I just saved you 13-ish hours of your life. You’re welcome.

TharnType and TharnType 2: 7 Years of Love (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, homophobia, domestic violence, MAME, etc.

Don’t watch this. This is bad. As in, really bad. And all the issues are in the main couple’s relationship.

But, since my taste is really bad, I rewatched this recently for horny reasons (it’s Mew, after all, and he’s got me in a chokehold for some reason). It’s still as bad as I remembered it, but I would still rewatch it for Mew’s sake (and because Techno is ridiculous throughout both seasons, which means I love him).

To be fair there are other, a lot spicier, series that I watch more often for horny reasons (yes, some of them are in this post because they’re trashy too), but none of them include Mew. And since I have to get my dose of Mew from time to time, I return to TharnType (especially the second season).

Big Dragon (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, blackmail, etc.

This isn’t that problematic in my opinion, but there is definitely a drug-induced sexcapade that’s taped and used for blackmail for a while. And that's how the series starts.

I recently did a rewatch of this and it was still bad (in a good way) and I loved every second of it.

What I love about this series are:

The visuals. The set designs are beautiful (especially Yai’s home and the bar, before he demolishes it). As a visual artist, this is speaking to my soul.

The chemistry between Yai and Mangkorn.

Pong and Park. Two idiots I love with my whole ice-cold heart.

And the title track because it’s addictive as hell to listen to.

Also, the sex (which my horny ass needs). Let's not forget the sex. Those scenes were also visually stunning, which made me love them even more.

Honestly, I'll kneel and bow down to this shit because it's that great.

Don’t trust my judgment, though, because my taste is trashy.

Only Friends (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Manipulation, stalking, promiscuity, etc.

This series is messy in terms of intrigue (especially from Boston and then Boeing’s part). The ending had some issues. The sex isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, either. I, on the other hand, would drink a whole pot of this.

Overall, I loved this trash. Mainly because of:

How visually stunning it is.

Sand. He’s a hardworking, good person. He’s also a proud bi!

How they depicted and handled Ray’s addiction and recovery. (I know some watchers were upset that the focus of the series landed on Sand and Ray towards the end while neglecting the other characters, which is a valid point. However, setting that aside, the way they portrayed Ray’s addiction and then his road to recovery in the last couple of episodes was realistic, and I loved it.)

The promiscuity, because I loved it and the mess it created.

Boston being a slutty asshole. The more of a slutty asshole he was, the more I loved him. (I know, it’s a me-problem.)

Boeing coming in and kissing (almost) everyone.

It’s trashy, it’s messy, and I love it!

But, I don’t recommend it to anyone.

My Beautiful Man 1, 2, and 3 Eternal (Japan)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, obsession, bullying, lack of (or no real) communication, etc.

I love this series (2 seasons + 1 film), but I honestly don’t see it as particularly problematic. But I know others will disagree with me, so here it is on my list of trashy QLs.

I don’t mind Hira’s obsession because I know Kiyoi is just as whipped for Hira (even though he doesn’t know how to communicate it to Hira at first, especially in a way that Hira understands). Would I be okay with someone’s obsession and stalking in real life? Of course not. But, as I mentioned before, I’m mature enough to separate fiction from reality.

Also, I love miscommunicating characters, especially when the misunderstandings they create bring out all the emotions (angst, hurt, anger, sadness, embarrassment, etc.) and even the flight response. I especially love miscommunicating characters when they learn to communicate throughout the series/film. And this series is especially delicious on the miscommunicating part.

But, it’s also problematic, apparently. So, don’t watch it.

The End of the World With You (Japan)

Issues/TW: Blackmail, biphobia, cheating, etc.

I’ll be honest and say that I’ve only watched this series three times. And that’s because the biphobia is fucking annoying. In this series, the bi character is depicted as a cheater (which is common in QLs, btw). It’s an exasperating stereotype. Cheating has nothing to do with your sexuality and everything to do with who you are as a person.

(I mean, you can be a proud bi like Payu in LITA or Sand in OF. They have eyes only for one person as soon as they’re pursuing or dating someone. Give me more bi characters like this, please.)

We could discuss how cheating can be used as characterization in certain stories. But not in this one. Here, they’re basically using Ritsu’s bisexuality as the reason he’s cheating (since he’s sleeping with Masumi while having a thing going on with a girl, and then sleeping with a girl when he has a thing with Masumi), which is why it’s bothering me in this series.

If I’m going to tell you why I like this series, however, it’s for 2 reasons:

It’s about getting a second chance, a topic I love.

The sex (laser-focused horny Ritsu is my favorite Ritsu).

Check Out (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Biphobia, cheating, lazy writing, etc.

(It should be mentioned that I’ve read some comments about some issues involving the company behind this series. I haven’t dug deeper into this so I don’t really know if there’s any substance to the comments I’ve read (like official statements from the company or the other people involved, etc.). But I’m putting this out there in case this might be a potential issue for you (even though I’ve already told you that I don’t recommend you watch any of these because they’re all trashy).)

When I first checked this out at the beginning of this year, this series seemed to have created a storm of bad comments and reviews on MDL since it first came out. So, obviously, I needed to watch it because my taste is trashy.

And, you know what? I loved it!

Besides having the bi character depicted as a cheater (again, the use of this biphobic stereotype is so fucking annoying) and the sporadic clunky and stale scenes, I loved this series because:

It’s about second chances. As I mentioned before, I love that topic.

Best (the actor playing Daonuea) is the best in this series. There’s just something about him that grabs my attention every time. He has me in a similarly tight chokehold as Mew.

There’s sex (and my horny ass needs it).

But, it’s also trash, so don’t watch it.

Pit Babe (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Domestic violence, non-consensual, SA, age gap, etc.

This became popular. Really popular. I saw people comment about it everywhere. And usually, when stuff becomes popular, it’s more than likely reduced to trash quality by the general public. So, obviously, I had to watch it.

Did I end up loving it? Yes.

Honestly, the biggest issue this series had for me was the whole omegaverse thing (this was a new thing for me because I don’t come from an erotic fiction background, my head was rather stuck in fantasy fiction). And, from my limited understanding of this, they didn’t seem to fully commit to the omegaverse thing in Pit Babe, which was unfortunate.

The racing was also so-so for me, which hurt my soul because I usually love racing (cars, mcs, boats, etc.).

What I did like, however, was:

The chemistry between Pete and Kenta (and I’m so sad I only got crumbs of this).

Pavel (the actor playing Babe). I would watch and listen to him recite product placement scripts for toothpaste all day long.

The sex, especially the scene with Babe and Charlie in ep. 9 (even though it was mixed with clips from the racing) and Jeff and Alan’s scene in ep. 13 (because it was sensual, if we ignore the music).

The neon lights (have I mentioned that I’m a slut for neon lights?). I mean, just look at this:

I can watch that pinkish light all day long, even though Babe and Charlie are trying to distract me. (Especially Pavel!)

Dead Friend Forever (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Grooming, bullying, suicide & suicide attempts, etc.

Besides the issues listed above, this also suffered from lazy writing at the end. BUT, I fucking loved DFF anyway.

I never expected to love this series because it’s just a bunch of teenagers stuck at a house in the woods. How interesting could that be? Turns out, very.

DFF wasn’t perfect (perfection doesn’t exist anyway), but what I loved about it was:

The morally ambiguous characters.

The revenge plot.

The poetic justice.

The questioning of what was real vs hallucination.

The visually stunning shots.

The mask!

And Tan’s mask!

The beheading scene.

I could go on, but you get the point. I just love this piece of trash.

But, please, don’t watch it. You will suffer from brain rot. Trust me.

I, however, am currently rewatching this because I choose the brain rot. And my taste is trashy, remember? Or, perhaps I just love watching chaos unfold…

HIStory 3: Make Our Days Count (Taiwan)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, age gap, tragic ending, etc.

Everyone and their aunt and even their dog have an issue with the ending of this one. And it’s understandable.

I don’t necessarily like or dislike the ending. Obviously, the bury your gays trope is tragic in itself, and, tragically, it’s still being used. That’s why I couldn’t find myself liking the ending, even though I don’t mind tragic endings. (Romeo and Juliet is one of my favorite classics, which people tend to forget is a tragedy and not a romance, btw, but I digress…)

At the same time, though, this series made me cry for a whole episode before tragedy struck because I could feel it. And you have no idea how obsessed I get about shit that makes me cry (since I’m an ice queen).

(Another side note: one of my favorite BLs is Once Again, which made me bawl throughout the whole series. It’s not on this list because it’s neither trashy nor bad, but it’s still one of my favorites because it broke me in the best ways. But, anyway…)

The best part of this series from beginning to end was the other couple, at least for me. This couple is the one with the age gap (which, again, doesn’t bother me) and I fucking love them! One, because Wilson Liu (the actor playing Bo Xiang) is such a gem. Second, because their first time was such a spur-of-the-moment thing fueled by a desire that went from 0-100kph in less time than a Ferrari would. And I loved it (just as much as the squeezing of boobs from behind, which, for some reason, appeals to me).

Also, the twins are so pretty it’s annoying.

Do I recommend it, though? No, because I don’t have time to respond to the clap back I’ll get when you come to the end.

HIStory 4: Close to You (Taiwan)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, SA, obsession, age gap, stepbrothers becoming lovers, etc.

This one has some problems (especially the relationship between Yong Jie and Xing Si), but I love both the series and its problems (yes, I’m trash). You could say that I’m as obsessed with this series as Yong Jie is with Xing Si. Would I get this series drunk and fuck the living daylights out of it? No. But I would watch it once every 3 months or so. Oh, wait… I already do that. Because I’m trash.

What do I love so much about this series (other than what I mentioned above):

It’s from Taiwan.

Li Cheng is ridiculous, which is exactly why I love him.

Every time I rewatch it, it gets funnier.

The chemistry between Li Cheng and Teng Teng is amazing.

As well as the chemistry between Yong Jie and Xing Si.

The kissing is just as amazing.

The main fujoshi girl, Mei Fang, is so cute I can’t handle her.

And the bathroom scene! In that lighting! It’s iconic!

I don’t care what anyone else says. This is fucking gold to me. But, then again, my taste is trash. So, don’t listen to me.

KinnPorsche (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Dubious consent, SA, torture, Stockholm syndrome-ish, etc.

This is some next-level trash, and I fucking love it.

Two of the major relationships in this series (Kinn & Porsche and Vegas & Pete) are problematic at some point. Especially Vegas and Pete who have this whole captor/captive, torture, BDSM-ish type relationship. Of course, I love Vegas and Pete because my taste is super trashy (yes, it’s a me-problem, but I don’t force my taste on other people, so, for the love of all that is holy, don’t watch this!).

Other reasons I love this series and rewatch it from time to time:

It’s visually stunning! The cinematography is amazing. As I mentioned before, I’m a visual artist, so this is a very valid reason for me to watch it again and again. And again.

The neon lights.

The whole mafia thing.

The sex (because my horny ass needs it).

Playboyy (Thailand)

Issues/TW: SA, homophobia, suicide, etc.

I was debating whether or not to add this to my list solely based on the ending. However, up until that point, I really liked it.

The fact that every episode starts with a whole ass list of trigger warnings tells me this is my shit. And it was.

At times, it was so bad that it was good (until the ending, which was just so bad it was bad). The things I liked were:

The mystery.

Win (who played Nuth). His acting was great.

The chemistry between Nuth and Phop.

The tattooed daddy that’s Aob and his chemistry with Puen (there’s also an age gap here, btw, but as I’ve mentioned before, it’s fine by me as long as it’s legal).

The weird ass sex scenes (and the underwear).

And the not so weird ass sex scenes (like the ones between Aob and Puen and the ones between Nuth and Phop).

But, this series is trashy. Keep as far away from it as possible. If you still decide to dip in, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Red Wine in the Dark Night (Thailand)

Issues/TW: Obsession, blood, human blood bags, etc.

This is a queer film that’s BL-ish with some dark themes. Mainly, it’s about how far Wine would go to help the person he’s fallen for (or become attached to).

What I loved about this film was:

Fluke (who plays Wine). He’s such a great actor and I love him in everything he does.

Wine who is so desperate to love someone and be loved that he ends up doing some weird shit.

The darker and sadder vibe, which I love.

Irresistible Love 1 and Irresistible Love 2 (China)

(This is also called Uncontrolled Love.) 

Issues/TW: Obsession, homophobia, codependency, adoptive brothers becoming lovers, etc.

This is another queer film (in two parts) that is more BL-ish than the films I’m getting into below.

This depicts a weird relationship dynamic between Xie Yan and Shu Nian where Shu Nian was basically adopted into the family to become Xie Yan’s friend/babysitter/lackey. This is some weird ass shit, and I love weird ass shit so I really enjoyed this rare, uncensored, gem from China.

But, it’s also trashy. So, don’t watch it.

The next couple of films I’ll mention are (obviously) trashy, but also complex and deep (which is why I love them).

One Summer Night (South Korea)

Issues/TW: Obsession, dependency, oppression, etc.

This is a low-budget film from 2016 (so, production-wise, it’s definitely nothing like the usual stuff from South Korea you can watch on Netflix), but I love it.

It’s gritty, it’s raw, it’s explicit (an emphasis on explicit because you’ll see dicks), it deals with being a North Korean defector but ending up in an impoverished situation in South Korea, and it ends with a dubious ending you can interpret in different ways.

This is definitely not for the general QL viewers who watch QLs for the cutesy stuff.

And it's trashy. So, don’t watch it.

Dangerous Drugs of Sex (Japan)

Issues/TW: All the trigger warnings! Seriously. I feel like it’s better to say that so you’ll look up the TWs for yourself (if you choose to watch this, which I'm asking you not to) rather than me mentioning a few and forgetting others.

With this film, what others see are all the trigger warnings (and, yes, I see them too, they’re fucking obvious). However, I can see beyond that and watch it for what it is at the core: Two characters dealing with incredible grief.

Grief is a topic that often affects me and I can relate to it because I’ve had to deal with a lot of grief in my relatively short life. Watching a film like this where grief pushes the characters to their very limits will (often) get a special place in my heart, especially if done well. And it’s done very well in this film.

Do I condone the characters’ behaviors? No (especially not Yoden Ryoji’s). But I do understand that grief can send you over the edge (and in some cases throw you off the edge) because I’ve experienced it. I do understand that grief can cause you to make horrible decisions because I’ve done it (though, not this extreme). I do understand that grief can be self-destructive because I’ve been there. This film shows it all. That’s why I love it so much.

Do I recommend you watch this, tough? No. Don’t do it. This is not for everyone. It’s definitely not for those who watch QLs for the cutesy stuff.

But it is for me because I love trash. Especially good trash. And this is the best trash I’ve ever seen when it comes to gay films.

Anything by Scud Cheng

Lastly, I want to mention any film by Scud Cheng because…

And I’m an artist so art means everything to me.

Cheng is a screenwriter and director from Hong Kong. His films, the ones I’ve seen, are gritty, nude, and real. They are more on the art side than the others I’ve listed above, which is why they have a special place in my heart.

They’re also deep and explore themes like introspection (are we doing things because we believe they’re the right thing to do, or because external forces have “brainwashed” us to believe they’re the normal thing to do?), the porn industry and how it exploits young and queer men, death, politics, and love, to name a few.

These are not for the average QL watcher. They’re not for the faint of heart. They’re not for those who want an entertaining watch.

These films require multiple viewings. I’ve watched some once, some twice, and some more times, and I still find new themes and meanings woven into the stories. So, they’re complex and deep.

But, don’t watch them because I know you’ll come at me later. So, to spare us both the time and energy it would take to argue about this shit, just don’t watch any of it.

Now, if you still want to ask me for recommendations after all that, don't tell me I didn't warn you!

[coffee-in-rain]

there is no better feeling than getting kudos from my tumblr moots & tumblr followers on my second AO3 account designated for my dark fics. i wanna wail "omg hi, guys, i'm so glad you enjoy my darker fics, too!"

unfortunately, some people are very much against dark fics to the point they harass writers of dark content, so i keep those fics separate from my main account, but please know ily and am kissing you all on the forehead whenever i see you've left a kudo or a comment. people who can enjoy very different flavors of writing are blessings in fandom. <3

maybe one day, i'll post the link here if y'all are interested in reading them! feels a bit daunting tbh. fandom spaces have changed so much since i was a kid and the rise in purity culture / want for censorship on fanfic (literal fiction; nothing real at all) is something i never thought was necessary even as a kid when i found ff.net and then AO3 years later as a young teenager. i remember reading my first dark fic on AO3 when i was like fifteen.

i never assumed or thought the author condoned what they'd written. (that is literal common sense); do authors of published books / screenwriters of movies or shows condone the dark things they write? most certainly not; it's written because every aspect of human life is interesting to explore; even the ugly / taboo parts of humanity; take, for example, horror movies where characters are murdered in brutal ways, like "sinister" (2012); or movies that portray someone being sexually assaulted; or movies / tv shows based on published books, like 'flowers in the attic' & 'game of thrones' / 'a song of ice and fire'; those contain dark fictional explorations, and mainstream media doesn't think those writers condone what they've created because we understand it's only a work of fiction and an exploration of how people have behaved all throughout history, even if it is uncomfortable to read or watch; taboo topics are interesting to write about because it is so far removed from what we're taught is an acceptable way to behave in society; writers of dark fanfic don't condone what we write about; it's a simple exploration of a topic, and if certain people cannot differentiate fanfiction from reality, then they probably shouldn't be reading fanfic at all; especially if they're going to harass writers who write about topics they don't agree with being written, because it is entirely fictional and not a condoning of those behaviors; there are tags and warnings on AO3 for a reason and people pushing for censorship are doing more harm than good. most young people nowadays weren't in the trenches on ff.net being blindsided by shocking turns of events like non-con, assault, etc. (which couldn't be tagged because there is simply not an ability to do that on ff.net), so they don't realize what a blessing AO3's tagging / warning system is. they just see content they don't like, which they can literally scroll past (and also exclude with filters), and scream "ew, censor it! because i don't like the fact that it was written, even though it is no different than movies or books or tv shows portraying the same themes."

when i read a dark fic for the first time at fifteen, i never thought the author was deserving of my judgement, hate, etc. because i knew it wasn't real at all. i was only reading words on a screen. when the content started making me feel uncomfortable, i simply stopped reading and i never considered leaving a disparaging comment because i'd willingly clicked on the fic after reading the tags and warnings. i really shouldn't have been reading that type of content at that age, but it'd piqued my curiosity. then i realized dark fics weren't for me at that time, but it was not the author's fault when i chose to read it. and i reminded myself it wasn't real and moved on with my life. i really wish that line of thinking returned in fandom spaces.

[emblemxeno]

Honestly, the thing that pisses me off the most about Fates's story discourse over 3H story discourse is people stretch themselves to find depth in 3H that doesn't exist, while dismissing Fates outright and assuming it has no depth. All entirely rooted out of the fact Fates is a good story with a bad first impression, while 3H is a bad story with a good first impression, and to most viewers, that's all that matters as opposed to the actual critical analysis of the work itself.

Like, look, I get it. A fun fact: Fates's story in the West was actually better received than IF was in Japan, as while Fates ultimately had a few proud troopers (usually at college-level analysis) who understood what was actually being said, IF apparently botched the script given by Kibayashi badly enough (including much of subtext in Japanese making very little sense on top of poor diction, in the language all about poor diction and subtext) that Treehouse had to clean-up and fix as much as they could while working with the flaws, which is why they were super heavy on people reading into the subtext to get Kibayashi's vision. I get why people make that mistake and assume because the impression is bad it's all bad, we've seen that with so many works of fiction in the past!

But what gets me is when somebody dismisses perfectly good content with tons of depth, meaning and value solely based on first impressions, while giving a pass to anything with a good first impression even when the logic and rhetoric does not follow through. And like, I get why people do this. First impressions matter a lot and is defaulted in being a survival strategy, where you often can't verify what somebody is like except by the immediate first glance of judgement; what separates us between "us" versus "them". And I get why people do this with IRL people, it's why I work so hard to give a good first impression… but fucking honestly, a lot of these stories are fiction, with the information searchable online. You can read about fundamentally crucial plot points and the truth behind the work just from looking up the information online! Video games aren't reality, and thus don't need to actually require the first impression rule… but for most people, it does anyways, and causes people to dismiss perfectly valid or solid content solely not based on the quality it has, but based on bad first impressions in works either unintentionally (FE Fates, Ayane Matsunaga in Persona 4, etc.), or maliciously misrepresented due to author bias (SMT Law, Leon Kuwata in DR1, etc.). What causes me to get so annoyed is when people dismiss what the author has to say or go full on "death of the author" like the author or narrative's input or opinion doesn't matter. It does. You cannot divorce context from the author's ideas and thesis and make it what you want, you've created a fanfiction then! And then you have so many FE fans just assume Fates has no depth whatsoever and that people have to justify to like it, even when it very clearly does in its main text that people reject because it's not a good first impression… it's a vicious cycle rooted in initial fans' disappointment of it not being Edgelord/Villain FE4 like they hoped and instead being... very empathetic and not afraid to have a protagonist (especially male one) have emotions and not afraid to share weakness or cry. And what infuriates me is that when you present evidence that proves the first impression wrong… many people double down and don't actually correct themselves based on the information! That's what infuriates me, as it's a failure to be a good person or care about doing the right thing!

It annoys me as much as it does as somebody who's worked with Autistic kids and is Autistic, and I know the pain of feeling like your insights are rejected based on first impressions than the actual truth of the matter. People need to accept that whatever interpretations of canon they have on a story is irrelevant versus the express purpose of the text, as stated by the devs, because without having the truth, how can one hope to be a good person? "Follow your own justice" with your eyes blind and ears deaf to the consequences of your actions? No, that's when people get hurt, and I get especially vocal because Fates – especially Conquest – has a downright brilliant story that's layered underneath a ton of bad first impressions, and while I get the rule of making judgements based on presentation, that's still not a reason to dismiss the context or spread blatant misinformation or misrepresentation on what is actually happening in the story. If you cannot expressly or accurately talk about the context of what happens in the story divorced from your own headcanons and actually sourced arguments from the text and author's Word of God, you're not qualified to actually talk about it. End of story.

Like, I don't know about what others think, but if I'm giving a bad first impression and say a bunch of things, and then are presented with evidence said bad first impression is wrong… I immediately apologize to the person or thing I've offended, delete anything that I've said that was incorrect about it and firmly stand by them over said first impressions. It's not hard, and it doesn't make you lesser for admitting you were operating on faulty information. What does make you lesser is when you reject that evidence or truth to double down and not actually focus on doing the right thing by correcting your information! I genuinely don't understand it, because it's like somebody being tried at court, evidence comes up that clears their name, and the jury rejects it because, oh I dunno, they're something like a non-offending person with pedophilic disorder (just an example of how a stigmatized group can bias people by conviction via public opinion, and that is ALL I'll say about that land mine), or a communist in the 1950s/anarchist in the 1920s. It doesn't make any sense!

Obviously, bad first impressions shouldn't be dismissed entirely, especially when it turns out to be true... and most of the time, they do! If something stinks of awfulness, chances are it is awful. But the thing that really aggravates me is how much people don't realize they're misrepresenting something that isn't even bad, just poorly understood and continuously misrepresented. There are works that give a bad impression that are bad and works that give a good impression that are good. But I always found it frustrating how people chose the one with good impressions but bad intent or logic over the one one bad impressions but good intent or logic, even when that's not remotely the truth nor is it accurate to the context or subtext. And personally, I'd happily sooner look past something with a bad impression that is actually good, versus something with a good impression that is actually bad. This is what frustrates me about how 3H is given a pass while Fates gets shit when if you actually analyze the text from a college-level reading ability, you begin to see it's the reverse; Fates is downright genius if you actually interlayer the context and subtext, while 3H just flat-out falls apart.

I will say, though, it certainly didn't do favors for my faith in people's ability to read and appreciate canon text. I already have tons of faith in humanity; stuff like the above makes me honestly lack faith in people's ability to be rational or intelligent about context. All I will say is if people like Odovakar's abysmal Fates analysis (asking anonymously so look it up) were given to a college-level course, he'd fail straight out of that exam.

I wish I can go more in-depth like this post deserves, because you make a lot of good points. It's just a lot all at once haha.

What I will say is that while I slightly disagree with the idea that audience reaction has no relevance, this discussion does remind me of what I'm studying in uni right now, things like structuralism vs post structuralism.

What we deal with when it comes to the FE fandom is heavy, heavy doses of post-structuralist (acknowledgement of multiple valid interpretations) analysis that is spun as structuralist (one true meaning that is stable and predictable).

Ultimately, where the best literary and analytical thought comes from is the recognition of both author circumstances and the resulting text product having an impact on an individual's perception of the product.

I dislike 3H's story based on this "equation"; a significant amount of lore that serves little to the plot, characters' entire beings are undercut by the whims of the player insert, and no deep or thought provoking theme beyond whatever each route wants to serve to you leading to the game lacking a strong core (this is within the product) + the devs and writers literally admitting that their product 'gained a life on its own', that there was no one person who knew everything in the plot, and no one in the room telling them to fucking stop (author circumstances) = my perception of the story being that it's a dreadful mess that doesn't know what it wants to be beyond a lore simulator with cute characters who you teach and have tea with.

That's my personalized reaction backed up by subjective analytical thought, as well as sourced facts/circumstances and standard literary criticism. Now I can't expect every single person to go through those steps, but as you said, it's as if the first impression and surface level shit supersedes all of the muck that is under 3H's story, whereas with Fates, the first impression is so irrevocably bad to most people that almost fucking nobody is willing to even entertain that it may have a good story without first coating their sentiments with irony, sarcasm, or timid apologies in advance.

It's so utterly transparent, and so utterly unpopular to point out, because that's the type of gunked up social contract that the community has created and perpetuated. Breaking that resigns someone to mockery, shame, or plain confusion.

But like you, I care immensely about things past first impressions and how things are presented. Why else would I talk about these games years past they've released.

Anyway, thanks for the ask. I never heard of the Japanese reaction to IF being worse than the Western reaction to Fates. I will admit, it's hard to swallow, but I recognize that it's because of the culture I'm inundated with and involved in, so my bias in is full force. Really, all I know was the shit that was completely changed, added, or removed from the JP script to the localized one, but were I to look into it more, I bet I'd see what you're talking about regarding the text in its native language.

[let-us-cultivate-our-garden]

With that other ask saying Luz has no future in the human realm right now, especially since she’s a nonwhite LGBT girl who Republicans would want dead for existing, I thought of something else:

If TOH’s finale aired now, would people react more negatively to Luz living in the human realm and going to human school at the end? She was definitely shown to be more at home in the BI, and again, everyone in power would want her dead or deported or *something*. Recently someone made a joke to me about how you couldn’t do The Wizard of Oz nowadays since Dorothy would have absolutely no reason to go back to Kansas. Luz was better off in the Boiling Isles than in a world that hates her for existing.

Please reply.

[Rubs temples]. Guys, guys. Luz is fictional. Her world is not our own. Gravesfield is not depicted as being an unwelcoming place. Her "not fitting in" was just her having trouble in school and two bitchy ladies in the park that she didn't even overhear. She is "more at home" in the BI because it's the place where she can actually do magic, not because Gravesfield was such a horrible place to live in. Camilla and Vee live there full time and no one is worried about them.

Heck, when we do see Gravesfield, it's really not a bad place to live! Masha is able to be out about their gender identity at work, Vee finds friends, Jacob loses his job and gets arrested for assault, two random students praise Luz after her classroom freakout! How is this place so terrible?

Y'all need to stop projecting your own fears and anxieties onto the show, especially when the text demonstrates the opposite of what you're afraid of.

As for that joke your friend made about The Wizard of Oz, you know when that movie came out?

1939.

The final year of the Great Depression. Does the movie go into the world's worst economic crisis? No, because it's about a young girl learning to stand up for herself and not run away from her problems. Kansas is boring and dreary in comparison to the bright and whimsical Oz, but it's still her home, it's where her family is. You could absolutely make it today because it's styled like a classic fairy tale instead of dealing with the gritty reality of 1930s America.

Toh is also a fairy tale. It has straight forward morals, simple characterization, clear distinctions between good and evil, and a happy ending. Any gestures at complexity or subversions are superficial at best. It does not deal with politics or current events. Luz is never in any danger in Gravesfield, she just wants to live out her fantasies and quite frankly, the show is not very good at showing that her life is terrible. We don't even see her get bullied, it's simply told to us.

On a final note, since some people get upset when the hero has to leave the cool fantasy world, the Hero usually has to return home from the Fantasy World because it's a metaphor for growing up/growth/accepting change, etc. Anne is separated from Amphibia seemingly forever. Dipper and Mabel were only supposed to be in Gravity Falls for the summer. Dorothy leaves Oz. Change is inevitable and you can't live in the Fantasy World forever. There are exceptions of course, but that all depends on how the Fantasy World functions in the story. In toh's case, the function of the BI is muddled because there's no clear contrast between it and Gravesfield. The show wants you to think that this place is better for her but it never put in the work to demonstrate why. Luz doesn't really grow much as a character either, her priorities just shift. So in the end, the BI is basically a power fantasy for Luz. She would only find Gravesfield intolerable to live in because she can't do magic, not because of some fault with the town.

Here are the previous asks for anyone curious.

[jugganautism]

Hello! This is probably a different ask than what you usually get but I wanted to ask, from a helpol perspective, how do you separate fandom work’s depictions of your own and other deities and the deities that you worship. Like, how do you go about reading, writing, drawing, etc your deities in certain media (like EPIC) and separating them from your own deities? I’m not asking this to hate, cause I absolutely love your work, I just want to know how you do it because I enjoyed reading fandom works before converting but now I kinda feel icky about it.

Hope you have a spectacular day!!

hi anon!! if it means anything, i used to get this feeling a lot too when i first started my worship so i know what it's like.

first of all, it's important you remind yourself to keep a healthy barrier between fiction/the media you consume and reality/the gods you worship. consuming a media like epic which features characters based off of the theoi calls for keeping in mind these are not the actual gods, they are man written interpretations which do not necessarily mirror the actual deities.

they are closer to ocs which carry the titles of the gods than the actual theoi themselves, in my opinion at least

if you do divination, you can always also ask whichever deity youre working with on their opinion on the matter if this does not bring you comfort.

i hope this helps anyhow :]

[chaifootsteps]

Feel free to ignore this if you are fed up talking about this- but on the subject of proship. Personally after some deep thought and personal experience I believe all proship is inherently an adult topic whether or not the ships have sex in them or not. And by ships I mean dark ones such as incest, pedophilia and zoophilia.

Simply because proship content has been used to groom children before. (And from experience myself has caused a lot of confusion and anguish in my own life as a child)

though I’m not saying children won’t look at it- they surely will. I was one. But I consider it more like porn is, kids may watch it and we can’t stop them most of the time but we definitely can put more of an effort into labelling proship content as for mature/adult people who understand better the nuances of the imagery. Children are easily influenced and can do stupid shit with the media they are fed.

the proship community has to do a better job at kicking children out of the space and specifically labelling it as adult. Definitely don’t welcome kids in and engage that can lead to grooming whether they believe it not to be or whatever. Inherently showing a child images upon images of a parent X child it will fuck with them.

honestly this is why I’m not a part of the proship community regardless of if I now believe fiction can be separated from reality- but only by those who are intelligent enough to do so.

welp! That’s my mini rant. Let me know your thoughts.

I honestly think we need to scrap the whole thing and start over, because a big part of the problem is that "proship" now means extremely different things to different people, and that even words which should be unambiguous have become so muddied as to be incomprehensible; for example, fandoms calling an adult age gap pedophilia and a human/furry bestiality. It's become tribalistic nonsense, and that's bad, because predators will and do prey on the vulnerable under any label they think will make it easiest, and the situation as it stands only gives them places to hide.

Obviously, dark topics like incest, pedophilia, rape, etc. should to be tagged and ideally have some kind of disclaimer on them (no really, when I was a kid on the internet poking around in places I wasn't supposed to be, the disclaimers really did make a lot of difference.) It's not about scrubbing dark content completely, it's about making sure these kids know that there's a difference between fantasy and reality, and most importantly, the warning signs that someone might be trying to hurt them. I don't believe adults and kids who don't know one another in real life should ever be having extended private conversations online.

TL;DR: Everyone writes what they want and draws what they want, tags it appropriately, sets their own boundaries, and doesn't it to show it to kids. If you're showing weird shit to kids, you're a fucking creep regardless.

[ella-the-fella]

EXPLAINING EMOJI COMBOS AND WHAT THEY MEAN!!! THIS IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES!

IF I GET ANYTHING WRONG PLEASE TELL ME ☹️

Red= unsafe

Green= safe

Blue= varying

🌈🍖 is the basic proship combo. proshippers are people who ship anything, including problematic ships, (incest, Age gap, abuser n victim, etc)

🐰🎀 is the Lolicon combo, a Lolicon is someone who sexualizes little girls. Often they use the excuse of "oh their 1000 something years old so it's ok!" when they look like a 3 year old and/or act like one too.

🍯🧸 is the Shotacon combo, which is basically Lolicon but instead of little girls it's little boys.

🌸🌙 is the comship combo, which means shipping complicated ships. Not all comships are bad, there are two types of comships.

🎱🎀 is the Darkship combo. Darkshipping is a type of comship. Darkshippers ONLY ship problematic complicated ships, (necrophilic ships, animal x human, etc)

💿 🫧 is the Lightship combo, lightshipping is a type of comship. Lightshippers ONLY ship NONproblematic complicated ships, (crackships, crossships, multishipping, immortal x mortal, robot x human, etc!) I'm a lightshipper myself!

⚰🕊 is the Dead Dove Do Not Eat Combo. It honestly depends with this one. this is basically just a warning label. It means that there is extremely graphic and disturbing content that you should probably think about before moving any further. (Commonly used in Ao3).

🌈🍋 is the Profiction combo, this is being anti-censorship in fiction and believing fiction does not affect reality. Basically justifying problematic stuff in fiction but not irl.

🐜🍵 is the anti-proshipper combo. Just someone who is against proshipping.

🌸💫 is the uh... The groomer combo... Yeah this one's pretty self explanatory...

Any other emoji combo is either something that I forgot to put here, or its a fandom emoji combo.

Do note that you can still separate the emoji combo from it's problematic meaning if you want to use it, just specify that you are only using it for show and not because of the meaning.

Stay safe gang 😛

[horizon-verizon]

Honestly as a neutral party I would prefer Jaehaera living to Daenaera being introduced. Jaehaera is an innocent, mentally disabled child and her death is needlessly cruel. Her death is the least plot relevant of all of the child deaths that have happened in the dance and it's reasonable for people to want that changed since it comes off as pointlessly cruel. Killing Alicent or even just focusing on her imprisonment more is enough to show that the greens have paid for their betrayal. At least Daenaera can still be introduced and do something else in the narrative even if she doesn't marry Aegon.

I've already explained why Jaehaera's death was plot relevant HERE and HERE.

A)

Daenaera's entire narrative purpose was to marry Aegon and have his children to propagate the Targ line AND to become part of Aegon's mental rehabilitation from the effects of the civil war and watching his own mother get eaten burned/alive by a dragon. This is also reason why she's a fan fav in the first place; it's seen as a noble undertaking to some and a way for the Targs to move away from the greens finally. What other narrative use would you have her have?!

We can't bring up how after the War of the Roses the two fighting houses (Yorks and Lancasters) were successfully brought together in marriage to justify Jaehaera marrying and having a family with Aegon. Because:

Elizabeth of York wasn't disabled like Jaehaera

neither her nor Henry Tudor were little kids when they married

this is a fictional tale that, while modeled after some real events and people, is using them as springboards for a specific, purposefully created "message" unique to the author's

and imagine what it would being pregnant several times really be like for a very mentally incapacitated and traumatized girl like her?!!

Much less the other traumatized boy who's to be her husband? What the consummation and all the...impregnating times looked like?! Then, imagine what the family life would have been like, with these parents unable to ever connect thus the resentment is worse and their kids seeing that?

This doesn't justify Unwin Peake murdering Jaehaera, but no she never should have been married off to Aegon or anyone in the first place and that was not Unwin's doing but a larger group's--Aegon's council/patriarchal feudalism. This is what GRRM's trying to tell you, stop resisting it.

B)

I can believe that it is the way she died and the other context of so much violence men and adults perform against women and girls in this world is what really offends people enough for them to say that somehow, this a narratively irrelevant death. Because they're just that horrified.

The feelings are valid. But the action to erase the significance of the death is not valid. You definitely can wish for a much less violent one, like a poisoning that puts her to sleep or something. The death is supposed to be tragic and make you feel that it wasn't deserved, was horrible, etc. Because it was all those things.

And to say such an untrue thing as "not narratively relevant" also leads me to suspect that some people don't like Jaehaera's death either bc they just:

wanted the greens to win in some way bc they favor them and their cause (my second linked post)

you--knowing that Daenaera will likely be black in the show IF they ever get to the Maiden's Ball--go so hard for Jaehaera bc she at least is a white girl in the universe of HotD

want excessively centrist politics to sway the story at the expense of actual understanding of why we should change and upend the status quo entirely (here the feudal entrapment of girls and women); deny a reality, discourage learning to the oppressive status quo can prevail [on this trend of neutrality]...the truth is the villains/antagonists were always the greens

AND/OR, are avoidant of facing ugly, sordid truths of oppression because they are close to it in real life and haven't found ways of separating that from collective understanding of oppressive systems -> coping mechanism

Look anon, Alicent's imprisonment doesn't make up for mass death. Because it's not even just about Alicent as the individual, the grandmother, the mother, etc. It's the effect of her actions on a population. Jaehaera was one of many girls Otto AND Alicent endangered (another being Halaena). Though her actions became something much bigger than her & things went out of her control, that doesn't stop them from being hers AND having affected thousands of lives. Her main aim was to accrue power through her kids and grandkids--who she chose to risk by usurping Rhaenyra and beginning the war--the consequence is she loses said kids and grandkids through other's similar ambition. Again, bc even though those kids were noble and were supposed to be relatively safe, because they are all technically heirs or adults around them can use them accrue power (whether by killing them or through marriages or whatever), they were also targets. We could say similar for Rhaenyra's children, as what happens to her youngest 2; all of them in one way or another die because they were or could be used. however, they AND the greens' kids were all safer if the greens had not usurped Rhaenyra.

The greens were the aggressors and transgressors. The ones who started this war and looked for something out of it. They tried to act worse against Rhaenrya before/during the war AND the whole of Westeros before/during/after, thus they get the worse punishment and lose more than she did.

The entire point is that the greens lose everything, because they went after "everything". They lose everything, including their kids bc they relentlessly and hypocritically ran to obtain more power for themselves by attempting to exclude a woman from the position she never would have had without the will of a man.

They went on the basis that a girl/woman should not rule or become an heir before any direct male relatives...so Jaehaera was cut out of the line of succession by her own side of the family, thus she was also less prioritized, thus she was made into a baby factory for Aegon III. She became their last chance to get their blood to at least be part of the future line, but even that's dashed by a man who had similar ambitions as Otto and Alicent.

In trying to go against the king's word/an actual law, the greens also made it much more justified for someone to not care much for Aegon II's claim or authority...bc if you can so easily flout a king's word, why should you care about the guy you're trying to make king?! And using people who themselves are willing to be so dishonest creates a higher likelihood that they'd betray you, as similar to Ulf and Hugh betraying Rhaenyra. (And somehow, Rhaenyra is the only naive one when she expects people to follow through with their oaths 🙄)

Have you ever thought, anon, about those other girls who were maimed or terrorized into not appearing before Aegon III in the Maiden's Ball? Sure, most of them weren't disabled (Priscella Hogg was, I think), but what happens to Jaehaera is because she was girl in the way of a man's ambitions and not because she was disabled. What about all those Tumbleton folk, Bitterbridge refugees (the raped septas and girls as young as 8!), and riverland peasants--most of them children! Undoubtedly, you will have disabled children in those populations, anon. Why is Jaehaera's death so much more valuable than these mass deaths of also children? Remember that Alicent raised her kids to easier justify committing these atrocities. Maelor and Jaehaerys' deaths also reflect these events. Jaehaera's death was markedly different in meaning from theirs (to open up space for another girls who's being used) because she was female. In the first linked post, I talk about why and how people used Jaehaera's marriage to Aegon and how that reflects on her death being unique from her brothers' because of her gender.

GRRM comments, through Jaehaera and these girls and Rhaenyra what one pattern of F&B has: being female is dangerous because it is to be more of an object or property in lieu of self-concerned ambitious men to the point where the most vulnerable and those who cannot practice some of the same sort of agency can experience gruesome consequences--sometimes to become terrors themselves in their attempts to gain denied agency or defend themselves.