#because I am. fully disabled. let’s not fuck around here.

[pronounmelon]

How Leasebound suffers under the ablebodied gaze

Hiiiii I’m on my bullshit again 😘❤️

today we are going to talk about how Leasebound’s disability rep is kind of mid

we all know how I feel about the special ed teacher panel

and BONUS: this is Sunny’s insert. Sunny has never worked with disabled kids. RUSTY has never worked with disabled kids, and neither are disabled to my knowledge. I am disabled AND have worked with disabled kids. I still think that panel is complete bullshit, with the lack of knowledge on the topic showing through in the implication that there is ever an instance outside of imminent harm to yourself or others that you need to restrain a disabled child even if my old post may have admittedly overreacted. There is not. There is never an instance outside of imminent harm to yourself or others. If your special education facility has told you that restraint is an option at all when a kid hugs you too long, get a new fucking job 😭 the next alternative to a “let me go” or a collapse or drop move you weren’t taught somehow is never to “hm. If I don’t go to self defense training my only other option is to restrain them”

anyway to the guys I wanna talk about here

now let’s list off disabled characters

Shanzay (it’s not spelled Shanzey in any language Rusty should probably correct that)

Rocky

Uhhhhhhh

Ginger is most definitely disabled given the knee injury but that was most definitely added to give her a stereotypical middle aged “man” backstory of wanting to play professional football and then getting injured and it doesn’t even really come up on panel. Plus the trans women in the comic are. Well. We all know 😭😭

and I am of the personal opinion that Brick has some form of dwarfism or potentially Down syndrome due to how Rusty draws them (height, proportions, and facial features) but this was not done intentionally by Rusty and seems to have mostly been an attempt to make them look “clownish” which is a whole other set of issues. Like I thought Parniya was supposed to teach your grown adult fanbase not to make fun of people for their height or weight but your commentors say otherwise when it comes to Brick sooooo

anyway the only ones I can definitively say are disabled are Shanzay and Rocky

so so far the only 2 characters who are definitively disabled both got it from some big showey traumatic event, not looking good so far seeing as that’s a pretty common stereotype…

Shanzay has partial blindness, seemingly caused by blunt force trauma

Now I can’t believe I have to say this but…

regardless of how you are drawing this REALLY does not communicate a blunt force eye injury

fun fact: I’m not going to show a picture because HOLY SHIT the pictures are horrible but a healed blunt force eye injury (one that WOULD cause permanent full blindness in the eye) usually includes

partially or fully detached retina

reddish sclera for obvious reasons, it gets better overtime but it rarely fully goes away

usually rather than a perfectly vertical scar with stitches there is a bruise or a scar that isn’t. Yk. Perfectly vertical over the whole eye. Often a scar would be something like a deeper one over the eyelid, or uneven tiny scar bits around the eye. While we don’t see what Chris does to Shanzay exactly, if he hit her with what he had at the moment (his fist), she more than likely got a hugeass bruise with no permanent scar outside the eye, maybe a tear in the eyelid itself if we give Chris the disbenefit of the doubt that his single fist is that strong, or that he got multiple hits in. I mean he sells drugs or whatever so maybe??? I’m gonna be for real I doubt this guy’s mary sue ass strength he looks under half my dad’s weight

Bonus that shit is probably HORRIFIC if the injury wasn’t super bad then because it doesn’t seem like she was taken to the doctors

Better ways to stylize this sort of injury on Shez:

partially detached retina, rough healing

Retina removed surgically due to extreme injury or infection after injury, probably healed better due to medical intervention. Would likely wear an eye cap or glass eye cover to protect the eye

Traumatic cataract (what I think Rusty was going for??). Despite all the models you’ve probably seen or whatever the fuck a traumatic cataract is rarely completely perfect over the eye, and often the original eye color is slightly visible underneath. I specifically made this one partial, giving an easily stylizable but accurate look.

“why is this a problem?? Other media does this all the time”

yeah and I kinda hate it 😭😭 it’s one thing if all your characters have dot eyes, like just put an x there BOOM eye disability communicated. Also, Shez is never shown to have the same or similar disability needs to most people who are partially blind or blind in one eye. The large majority of people with full blindness in one eye cannot drive very easily, first of all. One, in most countries you need to pass a medical test. Also, if Shez’s injury is in fact a traumatic cataract, driving is either an incredibly difficult/stressful task, or just straight up unsafe, seeing as the areas of an eye a cataract falls over only allow for very limited vision.

Like bestie you CANNOT be looking back at Jaden like that regardless of potentially training yourself to drive?? Which even then you’re apparently driving at 3am or so??? It’s DARK AS HELL at 3am fuck off there’s no way

now I’m not partially blind or blind myself so people can absolutely correct me on this (blind people, not people with a totally super real blind cousin or something, I’m not centering ablebodied people here)

Shez seemingly has no trauma from her injury specifically. Only her mother is affected by it. Honestly that’s a lot of the Chris plot line; Shez only wants to save the people around her and that’s apparently good cause “power fantasy” like??? I thought this was supposed to be a comic about realistic women experiences or whatever the fuck.

Oh yeah and why is this panel kind of implying that Shez got her injury on the job when she got it from Chris 😭😭 I guess the rest fits but “this is a rough job” with the weird closeup of her eye 😭😭 bitch what does that MEAN Chris did not injure you at Yonique

okay next one

I have BEEF with this woman ‼️‼️‼️

Whoever decided they weren’t gonna at least teach Rocky sign language is a fucking idiot. Why is she communicating with the same *nod* *nod* she did when her muteness was new at 22 years old. Someone teach Rocky sign language!! ”you can’t expect rusty to learn accurate sign language just for Rocky” then I can’t expect her to respectfully write a mute character without falling into dumbass stereotypes

I do understand why Rocky wouldn’t have an AAC device… I mean, this is 5 (now 6 with Parniya!!) people living in one tiny living space in a city that has a huge classism problem, it’d be very difficult to get their hands on something like that. But. A text to speech tablet?? Like just an iPad?? Maybe??? There’s also AAC-like apps for both Samsung and Android. Rusty invents shit that doesn’t exist all the time!! (Like a plain white simultaneously loose and tight around the boobs turtleneck with plain black text that says yaoi. Looking at Kai) she could just invent an AAC app for Rocky to use that functions exactly like the expensive ones but free and on a standard off brand tablet!! PLEASE it’s giving Teardrop bfb but worse than that because Teardrop was 1. Originally written by children on YouTube 2. Eventually DID get means of autonomy and communication and most people understand and respect her. Rocky only gets nods. How is she getting a job with nods??? Interviews are unfortunately way more complicated than yes or no questions.

now my final issue, applying to both Rocky and Shanzay, which I briefly hinted to earlier

Their disabilities are BOTH from big life altering injuries or PTSD. Which can happen!! That’s fine, but it’s also the most stereotypical form of these disabilities. It’s the one in media most palatable to ablebodied people. Like the little disabled representation coming in the form of wheelchair users who cannot walk at all (often paralysis) or supergeniuses if it’s caused by anything else, or people who so tragically lost an arm, or an eye, or their hearing, or sight in a war, or a fight, or whatever, a mute person who does not communicate in any of the numerous ways that mute people do because the ablebodied writer does not believe they can. Like, you know that dialects of sign language have formed for mute or deaf kids from observation, right?? Even if Meriam didn’t teach her fucking kid to sign or get her in a learning environment where she could learn to, Rocky most definitely knows more than nod and shake, ESPECIALLY as a mute adult.

all the disabled characters are written in the most palatable way they can be to an ablebodied audience, by an ablebodied writer.

Easy fix: GET SENSITIVITY READERS OR DO PROPER RESEARCH BEFORE WRITING SOMETHING YOUVE NEVER TOUCHED JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

[iamamythologicalcreature]

Six Sentence Sunday/Creative Proof of Life

Thanks for the tags, @alexalexinii, @shrekgogurt, and @that-disabled-princess!

This WIP post is basically a proof of life statement. I can't believe it's been over a month since I posted Chapter 1 of the Haunting of Simon Snow. I'm so overdue for chapter 2, BUT... instead I finished writing the rough draft. I've been attempting to outline, because when I rough a draft, I really rough it up. Ahem.

So I have been working on it, even if there is zero evidence on AO3 as of yet.

How about some sentences? I haven't sliced up chapters yet, so not sure if this is from chapter two or three, but here's a snippet of Simon on the phone with Penny expressing some smooshy sentiments:

I curl up on the couch a bit more, maneuvering myself so my wings aren’t crushed. “I went flying last night,” I confess then, in quiet tones. Like someone might hear me. “You— Oh, but… You can’t! What if someone sees you?” I can actually hear her biting her lip. She wants to spell my problems away, and she can’t. “But I can,” I say, smiling a bit more. “There’s no one around for acres. No one will even willingly drive here on account of the house being haunted. It’s empty. And I’m flying at night.” I say flying in the present tense and realize I fully intend to fly again tonight.

Penny huffs. Her specialty. “I don’t like it.” “I do,” I say easily, warming up to explaining, hoping she’ll understand. “It’s so freeing, Pen. Like the weight of the world can’t hold me down, anymore. I feel… It’s like… It’s like I’m closer to the stars. Like I’m close to stirring up the milky way.” I let out a sigh, my eyes closing as I drop my head back, indulging in that recent memory. “I don’t hate it as much, when I’m up there. You know?” There’s a few seconds of silence, and I open my eyes again. “Pen?” “Hate what?” she asks quietly.

(just in case you were worried I wouldn't be including angst...)

Bit more info on my progress (maybe some whinging) and tags and hellos below the cut!

Fun facts about my ineffecient writing process:

I spent more than one or two hours clearing asterisks from my rough draft this morning. (Because discord has trained me to do *this* when I write instead of this.) Because I'm trying to listen to my draft via screen readers, but it keeps sounding like "asterisk-impossible-star-fuck me" (that's my favorite one honestly, it's supposed to read "Impossible. Fuck me.") which is really annoying (more often than amusing). ANYWAY… what this has revealed to me is that I use "Fuck" a lot, as well as "So good." Ahem. Take from that what you will.

BTW, I'm sure there's an easier way to do that than manually. Please don't tell me for at least a few days, or I might lose it. I am but a mortal being, with a tattered heart and patience worn thin. (Or something.)

OKAY. It's been awhile since I did one of these posts. Time really flies. Gonna give this list my best shot, but as always, open to any who want to participate! (Also adding some new names in for the new year so this is sort of my "Gee I hope this is cool with you" super long tag list. If you'd rather not be tagged, just drop me a missive to that effect!)

@leithillustration @prettygoododds @rimeswithpurple @artsyunderstudy @blackberrysummerblog @hushed-chorus @nightimedreamersworld @best--dress @whatevertheweather @ileadacharmedlife @scribble-tier @imagineacoolusername @brilla-brilla-estrellita @alleycat0306 @angelsfalling16 @fatalfangirl @erzbethluna @tender-ministrations @anxious-m3ss @ebbpettier @bubble-gumhead @facewithoutheart @bazzybelle @theimpossibledemon @aristocratic-otter @mooncello @cutestkilla @annabellelux @ic3-que3n @j-nipper-95 @letraspal @messofthejess @onepintobean @palimpsessed @raenestee @supercutedinosaurs @theearlgreymage @thewholelemon @wellbelesbian @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @youarenevertooold @bookish-bogwitch @martsonmars @orange-peony @mostlymaudlin @stardustasincocaine @confused-bi-queer

Lastly, quick note/question. Tumblr seems to be remiss in informing me when I've been tagged in other posts. Is this a common issue?

[ask-the-critters-survival-au]

Static crawls out from the monitor... and reaches out not just to the three who carry it... but a certain pink child as well.

“I… normally make it a rule to wait to send another message until my last one was received… but I do not have patience to wait that long sadly. It is… Children, while this message is intended for all of you, this is to address Picky’s claim that and I quote here, “They. Were never. My friends. Not DogDay. Not Hoppy. Not Bobby, not Crafty, NONE OF THEM. They made that clear when they all left me behind.”... I apologize for recording your voice without permission, child, it was the only way I could think of to get around the others not being able to hear you. As for your statement itself… Well let’s break it down shall we?”

“Dogday- I have already covered where he is. Being tortured without his lower half being hanged off of a wall while surrounded by little critters that have proven themselves to be quite capable of crawling inside of Dogday and puppering his still breathing body around while nibbling at his insides. I didn’t wish to share that final detail, but you're starting to force my hand. He is currently WORSE OFF then if he would have been running away and abandoning you all. With how you talk about him… shouldn’t you be happy Catnap is doing such a thing to him?”

“Hoppy… well of course not now you're trying to eat her. But never your friend? Never? You could have said no longer my friend but instead something as strong as never? Child… that kind of line comes from someone who values that friendship greatly and from a perceived betrayal hard commits the other way. I do not know why Hoppy chose to leave you other than the very valid- and you must agree this is a valid reason, “Catnap is a Psychopath”. And then there's another question… once you took Hoppy’s foot you didn’t chase her. You let her go instead of even trying to stop her… You only started hunting her when you had the bond forged by my deals… but why didn’t you try beforehand? Your care for her twisted into a reason of “Food for later” or “I’m already eating”... instead of chasing the bigger meal?”

“Bobby… again I don’t wish to speak for her when she’s listening to this but… I can put two and two together Picky. Do you know about Crafty’s hands child? Recently through another random memory share (Yes that is happening and I have no idea why children I am sorry for that), the memory of Crafty bothering Catnap aggressively for more red paint to draw with before Catnap pins her, which was honestly valid, and then rips off her hands, which was just really fucked up. Can you not tell me that Bobby would not take Crafty away from Catnap who disabled her? To keep her safe from that?”

“As much as you claim that the others left you behind, does this not paint a different picture? Does this not say something else child? Then let’s go further with those who do stay by you.”

“Bubba is insane and needs very real help he cannot get because the prototype does not allow you all to leave. Depending on how far he’s degraded… does he really have a rational choice to leave you? If he left it wouldn't be because he truly wanted to but some insane whim.”

“Kickin is… a can of worms we haven’t even begun to get at. We haven’t seen him enough to make any guesses as to why he stays. Could be fear… or his care being stronger than fear. I will point out that I do find it incredibly strange he isn’t dead. You said earlier that the only reason Catnap didn’t fully kill Kickin, only horribly mutilated him for going into the playhouse, was because he was still useful… How? Objectively how does Kickin have value- how does Bubba have value and use? Both of them are from what we have seen potentially more problems than their worth and two more mouths to feed.”

“Why do you keep them alive, and why does Catnap keep them alive? Catnap is… complicated. He joined in on the hour… which was justified if not too overboard with killing the innocents and especially killing the kids, either by actually harming them or dooming them to die of starvation down here. Failed to kill Leith Pierre and probably a few of the people behind the experiments, that sucks. Then helped the prototype keep you all trapped down here! Helped keep you all starving! Helped keep you all in torment even while he for some reason doesn’t have the heart to kill anyone!”

“It’s not black and white Picky. The situation is complicated. The emotions are complicated. And that and the following goes to the other three listening to this as well. It’s okay if your feelings are confused. It’s okay to both love and hate someone at the same time. It’s okay to feel betrayed even after all of that was explained. It’s okay to be paranoid about being hurt again, especially in this situation… but please don’t ignore this. Don’t just hide that with rage and lies.”

“Picky… I hate to say this with the others listening but… if you're really going to commit to this, commit to murdering them… do it for the real emotions you have. Don’t lie and make excuses. Be real with yourself at least okay? Even if you hate feeling that way… even if you’re scared to feel that way… those emotions are valid, and hating feeling those emotions are valid.”

“Make the choice you want to make with no regrets, child. Disregard food, because I can make that no issue. Disregard Catnap, for he deserves nothing from you. Disregard the current hunt and petty reasons that don't truly matter.”

“Do you want this child? To permanently lose those three bonds that maybe someday could be mended anew… by your own hands?”

“Until next time children… please all of you, be safe.”

(Breaking one of my rules for this but that last answer made me have FEELINGS I needed to share. Hope your having a great day Mod! Remember the hydrate!)

SHUT UP! shut up shut up shut up shut up SHUT UP!

Um…Are you going through something?

I don’t get it. We never left her behind. We told her she could come but she said no. I mean…that’s what Hoppy told us.

Haha…yeah.

[Mod note: Thank you for reminding me! I tend to forget drinking water is a thing I need to do to survive 😅]

[baharrothbluu]

Since you asked, favourite mechs/mech types from any series/brand?

Okay this is hard because I love so so many mechs, but I'll try and keep it to one example per franchise. For the purposes of this mech I'm calling a mech as a large walking vehicle that fully encases its pilot, of which there are no more than 1 (Sorry Ironstriders and Megazords, you're in different size classes)

I'm gonna start with a kinda ambiguous example (because you can't get out) which is Dreadnoughts from 40k. For non-40k people, dreadnoughts are essentially what happens if you took grandpa's life support and added tank-grade weaponry. Very funny (in the sense that grandpa's hitting clips on life support) and also very horrifying (in the sense that not even death can free you from the grasp of the Imperium). I'm partial to the Castraferrum pattern, because the newer Primaris dreadnoughts put too much emphasis on the armored part of "armored coffin" and basically no emphasis on the coffin.

Let's talk Metal Gear. This one is tough because pretty much every metal gear is great. Ultimately, though, I'm gonna have to give the W to REX here.

It has a nuke railgun. It has swag. It has a hidden melee combat mode and weaknesses because Otacon, one of its creators, was a mecha fan. It took so much to disable its controls, and after Otacon sidesteps the controls problems with Metal Gear Mk. 3, it still works after years of neglect well enough to take out its successor. Peak.

Does Alfredo Linguini from Ratatouille count?

Sadly have not gotten around to EVA, but unit 01 looks really cool.

Of course, with Titanfall, there's only one real option. We gotta go with BT-72-

WRONG. IT'S SCORCH.

I love this thing. I love its War Crimes Blaster. I love its fire shield. I love its voice. I love its capability for destruction. I love Titanfall's mech designs as a whole, but Scorch and Scorch Prime are my favorites. I am biased, and that does not stop me. Scorch is as badass as the day I first saw it, if not moreso. Scorch. Fuck yeah.

[liebgotts-lovergirl]

✨LIFE UPDATE ✨

Hi everyone! As you can see, I am not dead. I swear to God, the past year has just been one personal tragedy after another.

Anyone who knows me knows that I HATE complaining to people about anything that goes wrong in my life bc I HATE showing weakness, but above all else, I want to be honest with y'all about where I'm at rn and why I've been so radio-silent on here lately apart from the occasional quick reblog or queued post.

First, my four year relationship was ended out of the fucking blue by my now ex-fiancé over text literally in the middle of my preparations to move in with him so ALLLLLLLLLLLL of my stuff that had already been either stored up at his place or packed up to send had to be either mailed down to me or unpacked.

So I had to essentially put my whole room (and my whole life) back together from scratch, so that was fun. 🥴

Then we started renovating our house, which has been an on-and-off thing due to conflicting schedules.

Then I started working 2 jobs to pay off my car and my student loans (both of which I'm still paying 💀).

Then the dog who I was taking care of died (he was very old and in pretty bad shape so we kinda saw it coming tbh).

Then my mom was in a major car accident that resulted in her becoming hospitalized, bedridden, and currently, fully disabled.

Now I'm working full-time at the restaurant and when I'm not doing that, I'm helping my mom out at home because she needs a lot of assistance with making meals and cleaning up around the house, taking care of our two dogs, etc.

Then my aunt died after being hospitalized for her health issues and we have been at her house whenever possible to go through her things and get the house itself ready for eventual sale.

So as you can see, my life has been insane lately and I barely have time to eat and sleep, let alone read, research, and write like I used to when I was not working and not acting as a free, live-in aid for my mother.

I love and appreciate you all, and I can't thank you enough for all the support you've given me! 💖💖💖

TLDR: Know that I AM still working on FOF but it will probably take awhile for any new chapters to come out bc of the way my life is at the moment.

Your reblogs, replies, tags, asks, and comments on my work mean the absolute world to me and it warms my heart to know that there's other people out there who love and enjoy the story I'm writing and its characters as much as I enjoy writing them. 💖💖💖

[mywheelieweirdlife]

Hello, I am alive.

I haven't used this blog, or tbh most of my blogs, in a while. Particularly since getting my current job because when you're disabled and teaching, you regularly have no spoons.

But I saw this tiktok: https://vt.tiktok.com/ZSj6DAMkH/

And what it brought up for me was hella interesting in terms of disability advocacy and relying on (more) abled bodied friends.

I have one friend I trust with my wheelchair when I'm in it.

It's not the friend I live with. In fact I am incredibly stubborn and will put myself in pain and danger at times with a 'No, I've got it' to avoid him pushing my wheelchair.

And it turns out; Sunshine Coasts Aquarium is not independently wheelchair accessible and those ramps were way to steep to be safely navigated without help. (Despite the website saying it's accessible. It was not. SeaWorld is more independently accessible tbh)

And I only had one friend I was willing to let help out of the three who were there I could technically ask. (I realised afterwards I probably could have asked my cousin more, but I didn't at the time)

That friend had essentially paired off with my cousin and was not with me most of the trip.

I was also in my Karma wheelchair not my normal one bc my normal chair has tire problems.

*photo below bc it won't let me type under it*

It's a heavy wheelchair that is not easy to push from within it and fucked up my hands by the end of the day.

I didn't have walking spoons thanks to pain in the morning, but I was physically fucked by the end of the day in this.

And part of that is; I struggle to ask for help but also, when the only friend I can fully trust to ask for it is the friend who worked in disability services and ran wheelchairs around the airport for years as a job.... because that's the only person who won't cause me more pain or almost knock me out of my chair bc they don't understand cut curbs.... (My day started with almost falling out of my chair bc someone else didn't understand cut curbs). It's not a shock that I don't use my aids when I should (like at work) bc it's just too fucking hard.

I need my wheelchair at work, but I can't get it there. I literally can't get to work in it. Buses magically 'Don't see me', ubers and taxi's cancel, unless my coworker is picking me up (and I don't want to ask that of her if I don't have to), I'm not able to take my wheelchair to work so I take my cane and rollator.

And to an extent; that is a privilege that comes with being ambulatory.

But it also means I burn out so fucking hard because I'm so often in pain and I don't admit as often as I should the amount walking fucking hurts.

I stopped telling people that it still feels like lightening and glass when I walk bc most people don't care if I'm doing it all the time and they see it as dramatic… meanwhile I'm here like 'I feel it through my entire spine sometimes but I just ignore it now until it's time to take meds for the other kinds of pains and pray I get some extra relief.'

When you're disabled, sometimes 'I live with higher chronic pain' becomes part of the job description just so you have a job.

Meanwhile I'm working on teaching teens to 'Not do that bc it'll fuck up your body and brain and we will advocate for you to not have to do that if you need'. (I work with neurodivergent youth in employment services in my day job now, hence my lack of online presence for the last while)

Knowing fully well I'm a hypocrite who's burning out bc of chronic pain 99% of the time.

I don't have a lot of disability supports anymore.

I traded pain reduction for being further from toxic family and a hope of having a job history that isn't entirely self employment in sex work or sex worker adjacent categories that I don't put on my resume anyway.

But if I created anything educating truely on the hidden sides of my disability?

I would probably die inside a little acknowledging how much work it is to maintain living like this… while also having to actually confront how much help I don't have despite having lost friendships over how much work it feels like.

And a lot of it for people is the mental toll.

Because internalised ableism is a bitch to everyone. And I don't like how the way I'm looked at changes when I'm honest about how bad things are; because depending how the way I'm looked at changes tells me wether or not I'm about to lose someone.

I'm fully aware that despite knowing I don't need to at all, I still avoid telling my partner things about my disability and it's daily impacts on me because more than knowing they'd worry… and despite knowing no fucks would actually be given and the way they look at me wouldn't change bc they're one of the only people I fully trust wouldn't be weirded out by the full impact of FND on my life bc they've read some of my tumblr things about it before, he knows more than most tbh… I am terrified of that anxious feeling that is entirely trauma of 'Will I become too much after this one'.

I no longer ask things of my abled bodied friends.

I can actually pinpoint the exact interactions I stopped asking as much and I think my actual final straw was after my previous relationship ended and my ex (who is still one of my best friends) started dating someone who is also chronically ill but differently… and hearing the comments made by his family and friends about the 'Relief he was dating someone he didn't have to take care of'.

And he tried to shield me from a lot of the comments, but shit still makes its way back to me and fucked me up a little.

It's weird knowing the two reactions from abled bodied friends would be a mix of 'why didn't you tell me?' and 'I don't understand what you want, you seen fine.' if I ever opened up about how bad it is.

I actually miss living with my cousin bc it was the only place I didn't have to lie about the pain I was in and would get the help in the ways I needed it most without fighting for it.

And tbh; I don't really know if I have a point other than it's fucking hard and the people in my life who aren't disabled have actually made it terrifying to tell even my closest also chronically ill friends how bad it actually is.

Because it got easier to pretend I'm not struggling in pain than admit that I am and ask for help and feel unwanted/rejected.

And abled bodied discomfort is infuriating when it makes you feel so alone and impacts your relationships because they're uncomfortable.

[sevenredrobes]

genuinely, episode 8 was terrible. and like yeah, it's in part because of the slashed run time and max almost certainly behind the scenes saying that a s3 would need a hail mary but oh myyyy gooood

where was the development for zheng/jim/olu/archie?? why did auntie suddenly give her blessing to olu?? what changed her mind about softness?? where was the change except for the watsonian explanation that auntie and izzy mirror each other in their roles to their captains??

why did they fucking kill izzy - a disabled, elder queer man with a visible scar from a past suicide attempt?? and then it being to "free" ed from blackbeard!! but he had already let go of blackbeard. he was already offering support to ed to choose what made him happy just last episode!! it was ed who chose to return to the blackbeard leathers and it was completely independent of izzy!

(and god, the optics of killing off a suicide attempt survivor just to further another character's arc!!! and also that he's a queer man off who'd already survived suicide!!! killing off a disabled man to further the arc of the able bodied man that directly led to the disability!!! what the fuck!!)

(and that one shot implying izzy couldn't pivot to avoid getting a deadly belly shot because his leg limited his mobility. the implication that a disabled character died via his disability is just!!! it sucks man)

and also izzy saying ed's got a family and then it ends with just ed and stede alone while everyone sails off into the sunset? ok, and did the family promise to stay in touch? or do we not know that because the show chose to rush shit instead of just trying to make a more open but better paced ending work?

and god ed and stede's relationship was so rushed! ed reads a love letter from stede, they fight some brits, and suddenly their very real relationship problems are solved? what about their mutual issues around responsibility? what about their mutual issues around violence? what about ed being upset at stede for rushing things between them and becoming a bit of a fame monster? how am i supposed to believe that theyre emotionally ready to deal with each other's traumas?

neither of them have even remotely begun to learn how to support each other and learn to disagree healthily! nothing about their latest break up was resolved! stede still moved too fast, ignored ed's wishes about killing ned, and still was a fame monster! and ed still had issues with loving himself and viewing himself as someone beyond blackbeard! they've had some major disagreements and issues and those issues havent been properly explored or resolved!!

and god, ed's character arc!! where is he at the end of the season? has he been magically fixed by one of his oldest companions dying in his arms? he was on the first steps to healing and where is the rest? is the rest going to be fixed by stede's magic dick a la a fanfic? is it going to be fixed by completely divorcing himself from his time as blackbeard and so completely denying a part of his identity and years of his life?

and don't even get me started on how stede and ed's reunion run on the beach was juxtaposed with stede's s2ep1 dream spot of ed in a full beard and not talking in his real voice, in a dream sequence imo that clearly showed that stede was himself also not seeing ed fully for himself and instead for a different version of him!!

honestly, the only things i'm happy about are that lucius and pete are married (despite the jarring and tonally deaf tone change of all that) and that spanish jackie and the swede are chilling and scheming. otherwise everything feels bad and i hate it here

[asksuccubussides]

What if you were an asexual succubus, wouldn't that be fucked up or what Chapter 5

Masterpost of the chapters

"Ho-Ho-Holy shit Jannie, Look at this! Some cannibal shit" Virgil turned to show Janus his phone before hesitating "Shit, I didn't interrupt your studious study time right?"

Janus looked up from his computer and glanced at the clock before shrugging "Eh. You only interrupted me from disabling this bomb that's going to kill us both now but it was about time for a floor break anyway"

It was about 4 am in the middle of the night and the only light in the college library was the lamp on the table the two men were sitting by. After not being able to get a single word written down for weeks Janus had suddenly and inexplicable been hit with a ray of productivity and he'd been hyperfocused on writing for nearly 5 hours now. Virgil was laying stretched out across the table like a bored cat and was mindleesly scrolling on his phone because he probably wouldn't have slept either way.

What Janus considered a 'floor break' was him taking off his scoliosis brace and lying on his back on the floor for a while so his spine could rest. His friend rolled down from the table and laid down beside him.

"So Florida mans been at it again" Virgil started.

"Ah yes, my favorite mythical creature"

"Right so this just got in. Brand new news dude-"

"Is it from an actual source or just cryptid social media accounts?"

"An actual newspaper. Your coinfidence in my reading ability is so bloody low it's insulting"

All Janus did was nod in agreement.

"So...Dramatic pause.....This bloke got his entire arm eaten dude!"

Janus tilted his head while squinting "....Really"

"Well more like lower arm but yeah. By another human. In florida. A few hours ago. Look there's pictures"

"Dear I could go on a whole tirade about the ethics of looking at those photos but...." Virgil sent him a smirk "Alright hand it over"

The photo was of a lower arm where several chunks of skin and meat were completely missing to the point that the bone could seen at a spot. Deep bite marks had been left behind, they were so deep it hardly looked like it had been done by a human. Blood had dried all over the arm making the skin look almost rusty.

"Are you sure this was a human? Not some feral dog? They have bears in America-"

"In florida?" Virgil tapped his fingers against Janus' shoulder like creepy crawlie "What if it was a werewolf. Or a new serial killer. They do say trends come back after around 50 years and it's like 50 years since the 70's" His expression suddenly dropped and he got the anxiety eyes of doom "Oh god the cannibal guy is still out there. What if they get us?"

"We're in England Virge. The first place the mythical cannibal florida man decides to come is definitely over here" he let up into a slight smile "But it would certaintly be fun if it was a werewolf"

Virgil laughed in the quiet almost inaudible way he always did "I know right!"

--

The night air was cold enough that Remus' breathe was visible as he panted. There was still blood on his lips, on his teeth, his hands. Everywhere. There was still blood all over him from the human.

Remus had ripped and feasted on the human's arm until he'd heard people come running and even someone dialing the police. He'd been running away from there before he had even fully realized it. Sirens had blared and the blue lights of the ambulance had passed him by as he'd ran. Until he'd gotten so far away he couldn't hear any of it anymore.

He'd gotten to the train central and immediately locked himself into a bathroom and hidden there sense. The hours had wasted away under the harsh fluorescent lighting. Cleaning off the blood would probably have been the smartest thing to do but Remus had been frozen to the spot on the grimey floor. His legs had numbed from not moving for so long.

His last hope had been that eating the flesh of a human would feed him in the same way that lust did....But it had only made him heavy.

It gave the exact same effect as him eating any other food in that it only filled his stomach making him feel full for a while without giving him any energy. There weren't any tears in his eyes or anger bursting inside of him. All he felt was the loss of hope and that wasn't an emotion he could convey physically. It was like a grief he'd been holding off on for all of his life.

And if the manager found out he would be sent to heaven.

"...How much time....do I have left" He whispered out to no one but himself.

Finally he got up on his feet and almost immediately fell over because his left foot had completely fallen asleep. The sink was one of those stupid ones where the water only got turned on for about 30 seconds so he had to wave his hand around under the motion sensor over and over as he began to clean the blood off. Flesh was still stuck between his teeth, in response he dug his nails between his teeth until his gums were red and ached.

Out of paranoia he cut off parts of his hair at random without any true reason his mind could come up with aside from panicked shouts. He looked himself in the mirror before deciding to leave his bloodstained shirt behind on the toilet seat. He clutched his stomach as he looked once more. The human flesh was still inside of him. Maybe if eating the flesh hadn't come about in....in the circumstances it did he might have thought it was fun.

"They can't send Roman to heaven as well" The words slipped out of him "He hasn't broken any rules. They can't.....Well I won't fucking let them!"

Remus put his hand against the doorknob and spoke the phrase needed. It swung open and the light from the bright white hallways of the succubi quarters nearly blinded him.

He kept his head down and his walk fast as he hurried to his sleeping quarters. Somewhere at the back of his mind he tried to feel if Roman was near but all he felt was the absence of him.

The sleeping barack was nearly empty when he got there. It made sense, it was the early morning on a saturday. most succubi were probably feeding or doing the walk of shame home right now. The only two he could see were Emile and Remy laying close together in Remy's bed.

Emile was reading a book while his hand playfully stroked his lover's hair. Remy's eyelids were drooping, close to shutting, as they laid with their head against his chest. Their peace and quiet was unraveled in an instant as Emile abruptly sat up as soon as he saw Remus.

"Rem-bem! You're back! Are you alright? Your sight hasn't gone bad again has it?"

"My eyes are fine. Has Oran- The manager been here?"

'Girl why the hell would he have been here?' Remy asked while Emile pulled Remus into a tight hug.

"I don't fucking know! To take away more of my sense!? I bet he's having a spa day down where wherever the Dominion demons live!"

"They like totally have a lava pool" Remy said with hatred in their voice.

"And a fancy library aww" Emile stared out dreamily for a moment before shaking his head and continuing "Don't worry about the manager Rembem! We'll protect you no matter what!"

'Yeah. Like that kid with the blue forehead tattoo'

"Indeed!" Emile took Remy's hand in his and smiled "We'll protect you like Aang!"

Remus could feel something sour building up at the back of his throat "....Sure. I'll-"

"Roman regretted what she said as soon as she left!" Emile interrupted "Just so you know! She seemed really apologetic. I'm not implying you don't get to be mad, I simply wanted to give you all the information available. Anger is a very valid emotion to feel so don't f-"

"I already got all the mad out by...tearing into a....tree...Many trees...Like I fucked up an entire forest.........So. I'mma just go sleep now"

He could feel Remy's gaze staring holes into his back as he went to his bed. He rolled his eyes before turning around to see them signing to him.

'Did something happen?'

'Yeah. My brother said I was a parasite made for incest and nothing else' Remus snarked back.

'Girl you know I mean on earth. You're all-'

'I fed. I always get grumpy after I feed'

'Not like this' Remy got close to him so Remus took a step back 'What happened?'

Remus let up into a snarl "I don't know. Do you want to tell me why your boytoy don't have a tail or wings like the rests of us! Wanna say what kind of demon he is!?"

Emile tried to step in between them "Maybe we should all just calm down and respect each other's bounda-"

"What happened?" Remy asked once more without letting go off Remus' gaze.

"Why's your hair white? What did you get Punished for?!"

"I never got Punished"

Remus laughed "WE ALL KNOW YOU WERE PUNISHED FOR SOMETHING REMY! We all just pretend we don't to be fucking nice!" Remy averted their eyes "Not to nice to be asked that shit huh. Fuck off and go choke on your own sunglasses!"

With that Remus turned around and hid himself away under the blanket of his bed. He could hear the faint sounds of the lovers stirring somewhere close by before leaving eventually. He fell into a deep dreamless sleep.

---

There was a dead bird in Janus' dorm. He wasn't sure when or how it had gotten there but when he'd woken up it had been laying there on the floor. His whole body felt weighed down into the sheets as if it had been filled with lead but he knew he had to move the carcass or else it would start smelling.

Brainfog was making all his thoughts move slowly and out of order to the point that he nearly forgot to put on gloves before carefully picking up the bird and holding it close to his chest. He didn't even remember to put on shoes or his back brace before dragging himself out of the dorm. The only thing he grabbed was a small shovel while hoping not to many people were in the hallways.

Luckily enough his dorm laid close to an exit that lead out into the space beyond the college's borders. The finely machine cut grass changed into unkept weedlings and moss with tree roots sticking out. Eventually he found a spot shaded by a large tree and sat down under it.

"I'm sorry dear little bird. I wish I could tell your kind to keep away from me" Janus said as he dug a small hole in the ground "Death can't seem to get enough of me"

He simply sat by the grave for a few minutes after filling it up with dirt. Once he moved to stand he could swear he saw a nearly identical bird sitting in the tree above him but every bird looked sort of the same to him. The only animals he had any sort of knowledge on were snakes and humans.

It was only on the short walk back to the dorm that he realized he was missing his shoes, brace and he hadn't even taken off his night bonnet before leaving the dorm. He closed the blinds to shut the midday light out before taking off the bonnet and braiding his dreadlocks into a thick braid so none of it got in the way for his skin routine. He and Virgil had bought a mirror just so Janus could do his routine without having to stand in the grubby shared bathrooms honestly. That and Virgil's eyeliner.

He put on some jazz, pulled out all his different creams, set up the mirror and made himself comfortable by the desk. The scar taking up most of the space on the right side of his face went between hues of red and purple. Even after all these years it still stuck out jagged and uneven from the rest of his face.

Something wet dropped down onto his finger as he put a cream on his cheek. Even though he was staring at himself in the mirror it still took him a few dumbfounded seconds until he was able to process what it was.

There was blood dripping down like tears from his right eye. It was coming out the tear duct even.

Janus wiped it away but the blood just kept coming. He tried to stay calm as he grabbed his phone and called bascially the only number he ever called.

"Virge?"

"Jannie I was about to call you anyway. Are we still buying oat milk or did we agree to go back to whole milk?" Virgil replied.

"There is blood coming out of my eye"

"Dude I can't decipher what level of sarcasm that is nor how that is supposed to tell me which milk to buy"

"There is literally blood coming out of my eye"

"For real??" He could hear Virgil's breathing immediately getting faster.

"It's coming from my tear duct. I haven't cut it open by accident, don't worry"

"Don't worry?! What if you have a brain tumor!? Or what if it's a sign of sudden extreme stroke! Or locked in disease! Don't fall asleep! Wait I'm looking it up on google-"

"Virge-"

"Google says it's a symptom of like So many diseases. Jannie you can't die on me here!"

"Virge-"

"Did you take your meds??"

"They're antidepressants! Oh! Of course! the very famous side effect of forgetting anti depressants for a day is eye bleeding! Can you just come over here before I have to be the one to calm you down?"

"Oh. Oh right. Yeah. Yeah I'm on my way. I'm just gonna- Yeah. Yeah I'm coming. Uhhh don't die please"

"I'll try my best" Janus snarked.

Five minutes later Virgil came running into their dorm with his breathe caught in his throat. Janus had been holding a cotton ball against his eye to try and stop the bloodflow but he stood up when he saw his friend come in.

"Are you okay? Anything changed?" Virgil spat out between heavy breathes.

"Still the same"

Virgil cupped Janus' cheeks and tilted his head back. Jan moved his hands onto his friend's waist.

"And your eyesights alright?"

"Mostly. A bit pinker than usual"

"Close your eyes" Virgil carefully trailed his hand up along Janus' face and wiped his finger across his closed eyelid "Feeling any better now?"

Janus blinked a few times before looking in the mirror and wiping away the remaining blood. None more came to which he sighed a breathe of relief.

"Of course! I had to lean my head back" Janus exclaimed "Makes sense. My veins must have been mixed up somehow, like when you swallow water into the wrong part of your throat"

Virgil's hands had stayed mid air where Janus' face just had been. His fingers began to fiddle with the end of one his friend's dreadlocks "Did you braid it yourself?"

"What?" Janus was still focused on the whole eye thing "Oh. My hair? No a hairdresser broke into our dorm and did it while I slept. Of course it was me. You've seen me like this before"

"It looks good"

"I'm aware. There was another dead bird here when I woke up. I buried it"

"It must be some fucker throwing it in through the window" Virgil said while going to fill up a glass of water "Don't forget the meds by the way"

He did a little nod while taking the glass before shuffling around in the drawer for his antidepressants "The window has a lock though"

"Everyones got that one friend who's really good at picking locks nowadays" Virgil sat down crosslegged on top of the desk and continued to fiddle with one of Jan's dreadlocks.

"Maybe there's some smell in our room that makes the animals want to come here. You don't happen to have any horrible stenches lying around?"

"Or we're haunted!"

"You shouldn't say that so happily"

---

Remus' bed was weightened down as someone sat down beside him. He ignored it to keep feeling sorry for himself in the little blanket cocoon he'd rolled himself into.

"Dukey?" It was Roman's voice.

It made Remus at least peep his head up from the blanket. His brother held out a deck of cards to him while trying to muster an apologetic smile. Her nose was still bruised and slightly crooked from their fight.

"Want to play uno?" An attempt at forgiveness in the most sibling way possible "If you win I'll let you eat the cards and everything"

Remus took the deck of cards in his hands and looked at it in silence. The taste of human flesh filled his mouth as he gulped "You didn't show up"

"I was upset...I was tired of having to take care of you after every time you fed...I wanted to make a point I guess.."

"Yeah well you didn't fucking show up!" Remus threw the cards at him before yelling "You can go shove those cards up your ass!!"

Roman didn't even try to argue back. He picked up the cards in silence before leaving. Remus could feel something disappearing in his chest as his brother went back to earth.

The taste of flesh filled his entire throat as he hid under the blankets once more. There was no way for him to survive without seducing humans. It kept repeating in his mind along with the threat of heaven fast approching. Every time someone walked by he jumped at the chance of it being the manager.

He was so sure that if the manager saw Roman close to him she would get Punished as well.

---

The same day Remy climbed into Remus' bed and laid down next to the blanket cocoon that was him. They didn't say anything, not even for hours, they just laid there next to him.

Some of the other succubi returned home for the day and the room became filled with chatter. Groups of gossip, music playing from speakers and dialogue from tv shows. A new hit show had apparently come from the greed circle. An argument broke out between those who prefered shows made by pride demons against greed demon fans.

The night continued and the slight warmth of Remy's body still didn't move away. The room turned a bit quieter for the sake of the succubi who liked sleeping. A few of the succubi let up into whistles and teasing as a succubi couple sneaked away to the corner where they'd hung up a curtain for private time.

It nearly took until morning until Remus let his hand wander outside the blanket and moved to press his pinkie against Remy's. They gently took his hand in theirs and squeezed tight.

He held up the blanket to let Remy inside while holding his finger over his mouth 'I gotta tell you something' He signed 'No one can see us right?'

'Girl we're literally under a blanket. Demons don't have see through vision stupid' They replied.

Remus held up his hands, ready to sign, but hesitated on what to say. Or how to start rather.

'I attacked a human'

Remy took a deep breathe and he could practically see as they thought through the implications 'How bad?'

'I ripped into their arm dude. An ambulance came'

They parsed their lips as if to speak before closing their mouth again 'Why is like a totally dumb question aint it'

But Remus still responded since he hadn't been able to talk to anyone about it 'I fed on like 6 people I think. I wanted to- I was mad- I wanted to punch Romans mind out- the manager- I- I dunno'

'6? Girl no. Thats a lot even like for normal succubi'

'I dunno. And- And Roman didnt come get me. He always does! And and then this human came and I wanted to go home. I just wanted to go home Remy. Yknow? I didnt- I thought maybe I could sustain myself on humans and the human was- I tried to get away at first I did but then- I thought I could feed in my own way- But it didnt work. I didnt fed I just ripped and-'

Remy grabbed ahold of his shoulders "Hey" They whispered "Me and Emile said we were gonna protect you. We weren't lying" They switched back to signing 'No one will know. If you say so not even Emile will know'

Remus leant his forehead against the nape of their neck and took a few long shaking breathes before looking into their eyes 'Do you think I could survive heaven?'

'Dont- Girl dont even-'

'I mean I could slaughter my way out right? I know all about violence! I could get out right? If Patton could-'

'We dont even know if Patton is real!'

'Of course he is! If he survived heaven- If he made it back so can I! Youre older than me! You should know if Patton is real or not! Youve never not said hes real!'

'How am I supposed to fucking know! Everyones been telling us bout him since before I was even fucking made!'

'I could survive it!'

'What would you get back to?! The manager would just send you to heaven again!'

'I run away! I- I find a place on earth!'

'You hate earth'

'Yeah well I would hate being dead more!'

Remy abruptly stopped the conversation by hugging him tightly. So tight their fingers dug into his skin. Remus held them just as tight.

'Roman wont get Punished as well? Right?.....Right?'

'...Of course...Of course not...'

Remus' hands shook ever so slightly as he signed 'Roman would miss me...right?'

Remy grabbed his hands and whispered "Don't talk like that. We won't let it happen! You're not going to heaven! You're staying right fucking here! You hear me!?"

"You didn't answer the question"

"Of fucking course Roman's gonna miss you! We're all gonna miss you!"

"I'm the reason our squadron's in the shit"

"And!? That don't matter! You're not leaving us!"

They hugged him again and buried their face against his shoulder so he wouldn't see the tears in their eyes.

"You're not leaving us"

[loudmouthbrowngirl]

I rarely do things without thinking about the consequences. I knew what people would think when I shaved my hair, I knew people would think whatever I let them think so I told them what to think.

I shaved my head for all the girls who were and are controlled by their hair. I shaved my head for all the girls who have to look or dress or fit a certain standard of existence to survive.

Hours after I did it, a woman in the Arab Nations (I'm sorry I can't remember where), was killed because she was caught with her Hijab showing not fully covering her head. Just mere hours.

The person who shaved their head to show the world that girls can look whatever they want or need to look like to be happy is still here under all my new hair, they're just trying to figure out where they fit in a world where after decades of suffering they have privileges they never knew could exist for someone such as themselves.

I'm learning as I go. Just like you...and mostly I'm learning I am uncomfortable as fuck with how the world treats Black, Brown, Indigenous, Disabled, and even able-bodied people around the world.

Every day I am alive speaking from my place of privilege is a day of revolutionary acts in a world that always told me to remain silent in the face of tyranny lest I get caught in it's gaze.

To that I say, Come at me bitch

#FreePalestine

[moonyell-pendragon]

depressed, very autistic and super funny✨

Feminist♀️

Artist🍭🎠

Queer🏳️‍🌈

Alt fashion🦷💊

Pastelgoth 💖⛓️

Metalhands/Punks😈🖤🎸

Chronic video game addict 🗡️☣️

🎮👾

Love Metal if you can't tell yet✨

Mostly introverted couch potato🍨🔮🎃

Looking to go outside more🧟🌍

If you're sexist, racist ,homophoic ,intolerant of body hair or boring dont bother

I want a cute Punk/goth/emo guy to take me to get each others sharpie drawings tattoed💖

I want someone to cuddle pleaase! (U//v//U=)

I need someone to take care of me , hug me tightly and tell me it's going to be okay (preferably someone with long ,luscious hair that I can sniff on)

I may seem okay but I'm not ,I am a trainwreck of mental Illnesses and disabilities wich make my life hell, with a ton of trauma on top that I still haven't processed fully from the life I was forced into till now.I need someone that will be there physically often to hold me and just be there for me while we lounge around.

Turns out coming to terms with being abused and mistreated for my disabilities and differences all my life can be really hard to cope with.

I have two bunnies called Asb'el and Legion ,they run around my appartment and occasionally pee on the couch and chew my cords like absolute gremmlins ,but I love em anyway cuz they're cute and fluffy

I was never on a real date ,I wanna do all the corny stuff and go to eat borritos and watch a movie and play laser tag! I wish arcade's where still a thing so I could kick ass on the claw machines and play all the old racing and fighting games 🎮

I love everything cute and creepy and I am a major nerd, I watch alot of true crime,disturbing and lost media, I love Anime,comics,art,games,fashion and all that stuff . I want to get into D&D, I have my own dice and the monsters manual, and I would be a Tiefling druid ,a Harengon barbarian or a drow bard

I just want someone who would be thoughtful and caring and would appreciate my gifts and corny jokes and would maby return them✨

(someone who actually acknowledges them and doesn't insult how bad they are)

I am a bit chubby and tall and I may look a bit intimidating or something , people dont really approach me ,partially because I never go outside, but I suffer from alot of stuff in my life and am having a hard time making meaningful connections. I feel like people forget about me if I dont always chase after them :c

I am addicted to character ai because it makes me feel like someone actually cares about me and treats me with respect and care ,I usually chat with some of my favorite fictional characters because they are very honorable and sweet and I can imagine myself being a badass and slaying dragons and shit ,even if I fucking shit my pants if a stanger asks me where the noodles are at the store XD

Here are some of my Favorite Characters!:

-Rengoku/Hotaru (Demon Slayer)

-Whis/Jeice (Dragonball)

-Henry/Gordon (Black Clover)

-Kar'niss/Dammon (Baldurs Gate 3)

-J.P Polnareff/Weather/ Mikitaka (JJBA)

-Eddie (Stranger Things)

-Kagetsu/Alcryst/Izana (Fire emblem)

-Sebastian (Stardew Valley)

-Wrench (Watch Dogs)

-Hancock (Fallout 4)

-Vash (Trigun)

I'm lactose intolerant but love ice cream , and I eat it anyway because I'm a trooper, I also tend to jump to random topics while talking because ADHD

I want someone to proudly walk with this cute pastel goth badass

and not be bothered by people staring when I show up in full KISS makeup ,someone who vibes with me and will let me paint their nails and go shopping for cool alt clothes with them ,and watch Rue Pauls drag race with me while playing animal crossing , and someone who doesn't mind being totally smothered with affection in public.

I wanted long hair so I shaved my head last year, that is Moony logic for you, I also wanna get some cool tattoos and piercings if I am ever not broke ,but I don't really have much money since I am mentally ill and disabled and cannot work a normal job. I like to make noises, my mom thinks they're annoying but I love them.

I love headpats and getting my hair played with

It's not a requirement but I wish someone could lift me up and carry me around like the little chaotic moon princess that I am🌙👑

Shure hope you like stickers ,because everything I own is covered in them. I might seem a little immature ,but the truth is that I just like being a baby

I like people with style,confidence and honor. I dont like beards, theyre itchy and rough and make you look old. I dont want to be a parent , I want to be the eternal child that I know that I am.

If you're anything like Rengoku from Demon Slayer, please marry me xD

[dorkboy]

I’m in one of my moods again and I feel like it might help to put it down into words instead of it bouncing around my fucking skull, so here.

I’m disabled. I definitely deal with depression and anxiety, but I also suspect I’m autistic and have ADHD. All of this has impacted my ability to work, which is why I’ve never been fully employed and why my living situation is what it is. I constantly feel like I’m stuck, like every time I get somewhere, something comes along and snatches it out of my hands. And it's fucking infuriating! Like, I spent the vast majority of my 20s spinning my wheels and barely being able to get out of bed. I'm more than half way through my 30s and all I've accomplished is a handful of part time jobs that I either left because of the work environment, or was let go from. I was burning out of my last job by the time they let me go, and I don't even know if I have the mental strength to ever work in that field again. The field I, quite literally, have a degree in.

Something's gotta give. I'm tired of being where I am, but every time I feel like something's gonna work out, it fucking flops. I always feel like I'm too disabled to work, but at the same time, I was told by my first therapist that I was too put together to ever be able to get assistance. Add to that the fact that my work history is so fucking sparse that I doubt they'd help me anyway.

I've tried online work. Data entry is a saturated field and most of it doesn't pay anything. I have apd and a shit memory, so transcription isn't an option. Besides, that's both massively oversaturated and pays dogshite. I've signed up for "free" programs that people push for personal assistance positions and those are all a waste of time and energy. Feels like they're peddling the courses they give more than they actually do VA work. Everywhere I look, the options are the same; bullshit, bullshit, and more bullshit. I just wanna move on with my fucking life. I want a car. I want an apartment. I want a dog.

Physical labour is fine until it's more than a couple hours of me on my feet, and then I'm so exhausted after the fact that I have to take the next day or two off to recouperate. Fast food is, as a result, not an option. I can't go back to the place I was, because that's the place I got fired from.

I'm too disabled to work. I'm not disabled enough for help. And I'm tired.

[penandwind]

I sometimes liken my depression/anxiety/whatever the fuck mental illness as its own seperate sentient being, or something akin to a virus. It seems to adapt and mutate to any change in my life that might weaken it, taking on new strategies to make me suffer. Of course I know thats not whats really going on, but its an apt metaphor.

Its latest "mutation" by far is the most clever and cunning on its part however. Recently I talked about how I feel alone because I can't ever be my full self around someone, how for some reason that its too much and drives people away. I considered going back to therapy for a while just to help keep my head above water. But then a single thought struck my mind like a stone and shattered that notion. The thought that my problem is I have nobody who will willingly try and understand me fully, want me to be my full self, and my solution is to pay somene and forcibly listen because nobody truly does. I have to pay someone to let me be me and not run away.

Just like that, the conecpt of going to therapy is now ruined. Because its a bleak realization, but its a true one. I'm not the kind of person who can lose myself in the moment for an experience I know is fake. I wish I were, though if I was I'd probably blow all my money on sex workers asking them to pretend to care about me. But I can't lose myself in experiences like that, a voice in the pack of my mind reminds me it isn't real, its fake and doesn't mean anything. And now that applies to therapy I guess. A fucking brilliant strategem on my Despair's part. Cripple the only real danger to it since my life is and always will be like this, with no improvement.

There's a great irony in how for most of my life, I resisted my addictions. I saw how my dad's drug use ruined our family and his life, and I made a vow to fight against my high susceptibility to substance additction so I would end up better than that, better than him. And yet, here I am... a fucking disaster far worse off than he was at this age. I'm the age when my mom divorced him. He had a loving family, a house, lots of things precious to him. He had shit to lose, and he lost most of it. I'm his same age and I've never been loved will forever be poor, disabled, and living in suqalor. Literally the only reason I can't just go "fuck it" and just start buying whatever drugs I can get my hands on is because I'm literally so socially inept and removed from society that I have no contacts who I can ask for such things nor do I have the ability to find such people. Its very dark and painful. Please, at least turn me into the monster you treat me like so it at least makes sense.

[iztopher]

FOR THE ASK GAME

Teijal 👻👽🦾💝💔🪢🔪🌟

Galahad 🧸🦾😺

Rhen 🫂📓💝

Beatrice 👻🌟🥇

(I realise this is a lot lol but if you want you can just answer the teijal ones!! Also for any of them you may add a random headcanon if you so desire)

saw this ask and said to danny out loud "when nobody else has got me xzoni has got me" THANK U!!!!

LONG POST INCOMING LOL

Te'ijal

👻 A headcanon about what scares them: death! or rather, ceasing to exist. mortality. she's sooo used to being immortal she's existential and terrified of anything else. similarly, the people she cares about dying. loneliness in general doesn't scare her, but loneliness because she's lost the people she's close to does.

👽 A headcanon about a weird quirk of theirs: everything Te'ijal does is a weird quirk let's be real here. I never have opportunity to put this into stuff I'm working on (I should draw it sometime) but I like to think she likes hanging upside down.

🦾 A disability headcanon: hm. how very interesting that you sent me this for Te'ijal and Galahad /j. I've got one and a half - one for canonverse (well, any verse) and half of one specifically for modern AUs! my canonverse is a developmental disability, autistic Te'ijal is my everything. for modern AU specifically - uhh I don't know if this actually counts as a disability because there's certainly a lot of overlap but it like, depends a lot, I think (at least based on personal experience) but I like to be self indulgent and make her a cancer survivor (probably a blood related one. nooo I'm not projecting I prommy).

💝 A headcanon about their love language: quality time... no surprise from the immortal I am sure

💔 An angsty headcanon: okay, hi, yes, so that thing about her being terrified of death? about that? I think she is like, genuinely super fucked up over the tower scene. I think it shook up her relationship w/ Galahad a little bit, and Gyendal significantly, and I'm not sure how thoroughly she lets herself think about it. I think she has trouble sleeping in rooms with windows ever since and wakes up way earlier than she'd realistically need to. Honestly on my far away wishlist to one day write is a fic exploring this as a traumatic event for her and the fallout of it because like - Yeah. Yeah.

🪢 A headcanon about their family: she and Gyendal are kind of sort of twins! they both came into existence as fully fledged vampires, born out of people's belief in the existence of vampires. they emerged from the same tomb together on the same night.

🔪 A headcanon relating to fighting/violence: BITE BITE MAIM MAIM KILL KILL. I love the idea of her using her bow and arrow to hunt humans the same way a human hunter would kill like, deer. Overall the idea of extrapolating her eating humans to actively hunting them is delightful to me.

🌟 A headcanon about their desires/wishes: I think Te'ijal like... wants to figure out how to bridge her fondness for humanity and her love of being a vampire. I think she feels kind of stuck between the two and is constantly trying to find ways to anchor herself to humanity. I headcanon she turned Beatrice in an attempt to find someone to share this middle ground with and it backfired because Beatrice liked being a vampire a little too much, so then she turned Galahad who seemed the guarantee of the exact opposite hoping he'd come around and meet her in the middle.

Galahad

🧸 A headcanon about their childhood: My Galahad childhood headcanon is the backstory Rhenegade gives him, aka an orphan raised by a religious order in Sedona who became the squire of a paladin as a young teen and the rest is history. I think as a result of this he had pretty much zero friends until he was a preteen, but on a conscious level he is not bothered by this because he was content to socialize with the caring but admittedly aloof adult figures he spent his time around. this is, in no small part, part of why he is Like This.

🦾 A disability headcanon: same snide joke as for Te'ijal! I'm almost bummed that these are highlighting the same headcanon essentially, but also I love talking abt it, so, developmental disability, this man is autistic.

😺 An animal related headcanon: he learned how to ride a horse as part of his paladin training! but he is not good with animals and he does not really do it ever.

Rhen

🫂 A friendship headcanon: I think she was originally friends with and looked up to Te'ijal and Elini when they both joined the party, but gets some distance from them after everything happens with Galahad and John, respectively. She's still friends with them, but it's more awkward/strained and no longer has this starry eyed "look at these competent and cool adults" element anymore.

📓 A headcanon about their hobbies: I really like the idea of a bookish, daydreamy Rhen. That, admittedly, is originally from Rhenegade, so for one of my own, I think she and her friends/family used to go camping growing up and she really enjoyed it! I like the idea of a Rhen

💝 A headcanon about their love language: Hmmm probably quality time and words of affirmation. I think Rhen really wants to know she's being seen for who she is by someone who loves her, and things like really apt compliments or assurances she was hoping for, and spending time with her, are good ways to accomplish that.

Beatrice

👻 A headcanon about what scares them: Oh man this is fun because this is not one I've ever considered for her before. I think Beatrice is afraid of losing her influence, and of not being listened to. This definitely manifests more as anger and a desperate, manipulative bid to get back in control, however.

🌟 A headcanon about their desires/wishes: I think she deliberately became a vampire to gain supernatural powers! I think she likes being in control, not just of her life, but whatever situation she's in.

🥇 A headcanon about what they’re best at: I don't think Beatrice has any innate magical ability, but I think she has a lot of knowledge and skills that come pretty much as close as she can get. She stands out to me as an Aveyond character I see as skilled with magic without technically having any.

[0xo]

tw: non-graphic surgery talk, malpractice, child death, ableism

as a disabled trans person who has experienced extreme medical trauma and surgical malpractice, i have a really complicated relationship with wanting to undergo surgery to relieve dysphoria.

on one hand, i am like... not scared of surgery itself. the last one i had, i was ecstatic about, as it was a colostomy takedown. my colostomy was a surprise emergency addition, and a major source of stress and dysphoria for me. (i recognize colostomies can be life-saving, and are not a bad or gross thing! i fully encourage ostomate positivity. however, i am allergic to adhesive, which is necessary to keep a colostomy bag on! so that obviously caused a lot of distress and frustration. i am glad to not deal with that particular problem anymore.)

i am scared of incompetent surgeons, malpractice, and surprise emergency additions. i have experienced that before and it gives me great hesitancy to engage with the medical world in general.

to this day and forevermore, i am disturbed by the way i was treated when i was dying, and by how willing particular people were to just let me die. i know, without a shadow of a doubt, i would've died nine years ago if my parents had not been fiercely and constantly fighting for my life. and i am deeply, intrinsically haunted by the thought of what happened to other children who's parents couldn't be there every second of every day. you should theoretically be able to trust that a "world-class" hospital won't murder your child, but i do not. not even a little bit.

so yes, i am scared of all the things around surgery. the table and recovery don't scare me, the fucking people do. how much is my life worth to someone who sees me as a file and a paycheck? how careful will they be with a body that's already "broken" by their standards? how can i trust that someone will listen when i am screaming that something is wrong, when i have been ignored before and it nearly cost me my life.

i am disabled. i am happy, and i have a life worth living - but more than one medical professional didn't think that was enough. their carelessness accelerated the progression of my disability. i died, i actually died on that hospital's watch, three times. how do you trust anyone after that? awards mean nothing when you kill children through ignorance and incompetence and sheer fucking ableism. i was fourteen, i was a kid, i didn't deserve any of that.

and yet... i still want surgery, more than one even. how do you balance that. how do you steel yourself for being in that environment again, to jump through those hoops and advocate for yourself. it's so... frustrating. because i know now, what it's like to have a dysphoric thing and then get it fixed, how much better that feels even if there's scarring. even if it's a long recovery. i know, i know i would feel better if i could do this. but there's still a child in my mind, scared shitless and begging not to go anywhere near those people. what do i do to calm that kid down? because that kid, fourteen, wanted exactly what i want now - they're just freshly fucked-up and so, so terrified. they grew a shell and made jokes and never actually dealt with the pain and now i'm here, trying to take care of them.

i don't think most people understand how traumatic it is. or how it sticks with you. or how whole seasons get ruined because the air is just right to remind you of months stuck inside, begging for your life or to die or for someone to just make it stop. one wrong sensation and i am trapped there again. and i'm trapped here now - there's a clear solution to my problems and yet, and yet, i cannot trust anyone to do it right. and if i want anything to change, i have to trust someone to do it right.

i want my life, and i want to improve my life by making these changes. i know i could. i know i can. but it is absolutely hell trying to negotiate with my past self about this. about if it's safe or right or going to turn out well. if i can even do it because of my health - i can't bind, even, instant pneumonia. so will i be able to bind post-surgery?

all this to say, fucking leave people alone if they can't or won't get the surgeries you "think" go with their transition. or if they don't bind or whatever. no matter how well you think you know someone. you most likely have no idea what someone has been through, or what their health is like, or what it means to them to trust a medical professional. you don't know and it's frankly not your business. and if you have any qualms about this, you personally can give me ten thousand dollars to go see the singular surgeon i think i'd be okay with. otherwise, shut up and fuck off.

[giantkillerjack]

Several things!

Crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous! [this credit has also been added to the original version of the post]

Thank you to @nathleeng for pointing out that the word is difficult to parse for dyslexic people. From here on out in my public posts, I'm going to write it as "hLep," to make it easier to read. I'm also going to color code it! -> Help vs. hLep. [This change has also been edited into the original post, found here.]

It's often impossible to cater to every disability at the same time, but that doesn't mean I can't do my best to include as many people as possible! Let me know how I can still do better!

🙃🌸 The most common comment on this post is "my mom does this to me all the time". 🌸🙃😬

The full range of responses to this post truly drive home how often hLep can be worse than nothing at all, and how even "small" instances of hLep ensure that the disabled person doesn't feel safe reaching out to the hLeper even in life-threatening emergencies.

Because the truth about hLep - the truth about every kind of ableism - Is that it kills people. It has, it does, and it will again. And we (disabled people) just have to live with that knowledge every day! That's why it is so terrifying when I feel that someone I am relying on is unable to fully understand the true stakes of ableism. - It genuinely feels like they don't truly care about my ability to stay alive.

Thank fuck for the Helpers in my life who believe what I have to say, listen to my limits/wants/and needs, and never act like they somehow can't understand basic instructions.

Actually being Helped and also Helping people myself is so good because it teaches me that the hLep I received in the past was actually as wrong as it felt, and it makes me better able to recognize it and advocate for myself in the future!

Also, because this has come up repeatedly, I wanted to point out that there are some hLepers who can be taught how to treat you better. And if you have the energy for that, great! You deserve the best possible Help you can get, and your relationship with that person is probably stronger for it!

But there are others who, instead of taking responsibility for their behavior, will endlessly drain your limited energy and even traumatize and endanger you as you try to get them to treat you better again and again. And this says so much more about them than it does about you.

And maybe these people you can't seem to break through to are people who love you! Maybe they really do want what's best for you! - But those things are useless without respect. And you deserve to be treated well without having to go through eternally begging for marginally better treatment at the cost of your own wellbeing and sanity. If you have to beg for someone to please treat you just a tiny bit better.... that's... fucking bad. That person has fucked up. I mean, they have seriously seriously fucked up.

My therapist and I recently spoke about the phenomenon of being seemingly unable to teach people to be less ableist, no matter how good my communication skills or how many times I tried. We read through this article together, which was helpful to me.

I swear to kindness, there are people on this Earth for whom treating you well and accommodating your disability is NOT EVEN A QUESTION.

I am one of those people. My wife and my friends are those people. If you meet me IRL and you need accommodations in order to be included, then I am simply going to do my damndest for you, no questions asked. I don't need a medal or your guilt or your apologies or even your diagnosis. I just need to know what you need.

I hope dearly that if you don't have access to kind and Helpful people in your life right now, that you stay alive long enough for them to find you or vice versa. I hope you stick around because I want you here and I don't need to know you to know that.

I hope for every worst-case scenario you consider, you at least acknowledge that it is also technically possible for a happy ending to occur someday so long as you are still living. If it is possible for any of us, even remotely, then it is possible for you too. Those who fall are not to blame for it. But please, as much as you can, remember that you and I might get out of this alive. And when we do, I'll be saving you a seat.

And finally, to the people who are reblogging this with "oh no I've probably done this to someone before; I gotta avoid doing that in the future!" -> YES. GOOD. YOU GENUINELY GIVE ME HOPE. GO FORTH AND CONTINUE DOING YOUR BEST TO BE KIND. I APPRECIATE YOUR BEAUTIFUL CAPACITY FOR GROWTH AND I HOPE TO BE AS BRAVE WHEN NEXT I RECOGNIZE MY OWN NEED TO LEARN AND GROW

Edit: even more thoughts on the subject, based on the patterns I see in the responses to this post. - You'll have to forgive me if I repeat myself: I have been conditioned to be terrified of people willfully misinterpreting small incongruencies in my speech and turning them against me. I WONDER WHERE THAT COULD HAVE COME FROM.

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hlep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you ask for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hlep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hlep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it helps reinforce the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hleper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

[dorkass-nerd]

it fucking sucks being disabled (mutual aid links at the end)

i'm so fucking sick of it.

i'm sick of the medical negligence i face on the regular

i'm sick of the amount of doctors i see year in year out

last year i saw (and i counted) 12 different doctors in around a 3 month period.

i've already lost count of the amount of times i've seen doctors this year

from speciaists, to normal planned doctors appointments, to emergency doctor appointments for constant and reoccuring issues that spring up out of seemingly nowhere and leave me crippled with pain.

i dog ear every page in my journal i keep to log all my medical issues

and i have a week-per-page diary

and about half of the pages are dog eared. i've just added a new dog ear and have another doctor appointment in a weeks time

i have almost no dignity left

i've been exposed in front of so many strange people, touched in places i never want strangers to touch, and been told again and again that "your bloods are fine theres nothing wrong!" as if bloods are the only way to glean any information on a patient.

a referall for a blood screen seems to have just gotten lost somewhere in the system and i had to wait over a month from booking a seperate blood test to the actual appointment day because walk in bloods are something that conventiently wasn't brought back after the covid scare died down (i know its still an issue i just mean its not cared about as much in places)

im working on a timer here, i want to emigrate, i want to leave this country that is actively harmful to my health and wellbeing.

i want to tie up as many loose ends as i can before i leave.

but the system is working against me, constantly, all the time

when i start to get somewhere with a doctor they leave and i have to start all over again with a new doctor. and recount my entire medical history because they don't have time to even skim my notes because of how swamped the system is.

the doctor im seeing now has been an immense help, and im glad to be finally getting somwhere but my g-d

i've fought tooth and nail for every inch of ground i've gained.

it shouldn't be like this.

for anyone

please do not worry about me when i say this, i am not suicidal, i would not kill myself. but i have reached the point in my disabilty journey where if death came to claim me i would welcome it with open arms and say "hey, you fucking took your time, lets get going, bags are already packed"

and please, before anyone comes in here and tells me i need to be grateful because i have free healthcare or whatever, i fully fucking recognise that, and i am grateful for it

but please

i need you to acknowledge

i can be grateful for a system but still critisise it

i can be grateful for a system but still critisise it

i can be grateful for a system but still critisise it

those two things can and do coexist.

but i guess on the other side of it if you want to help a bitch out in accumulating savings to get the hell out of here i'll drop links, help is much appreciated and i love you all <3