#because I am. fully disabled. let’s not fuck around here.

[mentohol-blog]

Warning - I get much more political in this post than typical for myself on here.

I took two years to tell people in my grad school cohort that I was a WWE fan because I wanted them to know ME first and not just assume that I supported people and policies aimed to strip the rights and protections from the vulnerable populations we belong to and provide services to because of the silly show I enjoy watching. I felt genuinely guilty telling my group of friends I go to goth night with (all trans) that I was going to Wrestlemania, considering WHO is going to profit from the thousands of dollars we’re spending to attend. It felt like a betrayal to them and myself.

All this to say, concerning the Roman Reigns interview - y'all didn't think this was the case? I know it’s PAINFUL, especially when these are characters that people derive comfort and joy from, but I assure you that 75% of the roster or more is extremely conservative. 🍊is in the Hall of Fame (twice), undefeated at Mania. That didn’t change with Vince being kicked out. Levesque holds the exact same views. I've recognized this. It’s why I don't idolize or get personally invested in the stars. I’ve separated their kayfabe characterization from who they are as a person. I enjoy the character they portray on-screen for a few hours, and after that? They don't exist for me. When writing about them and thinking about storylines, I think of the character, not the actor portraying it. I put my energy into the people in my everyday life on a personal level like my Husband, with whom I am fully certain my values align.

Spending so much money and time on a company and people that don’t align with my values? That’s a much more sticky area, ethically. My career is providing health services and acquiring resources for folks who are currently being actively, systemically, discriminated against to an even greater extent than previously ever since the institution of the new administration. My clients are SCARED, and my job is to try to help them realize their own strengtha and grow, but it’s hard because how can you focus on healing and recovering when you aren’t safe in the very institutions you're going to for help? You’re stuck in survival mode. I donate more time and money than I’ve ever spent on Mania to community organizing and providing basic needs to our most underserved populations. Does it balance out? I don’t know.

But I find so much fucking JOY from turning off my mind and buying into the wrestling show, and I’ve made my mind up that I’m not going to throw that joy away. But I am going into it with my eyes wide open, that’s for sure. I’m not going to let myself believe that these performers support me, a queer disabled Latine, or my Black/Polynesian Husband. I’m not going to be deluded into thinking they would support my trans best friend or immigrant bridesmaids. That they would support my immigrant grandparents. Hell, several members of my Diné dnd group have expressed fear of being picked up in an immigration raid. Let me repeat that. My Diné friends. Literally native to this stolen land we live on. And that would not be a concern for most of the roster. I’ll just keep doing the most I can for the people around me in spite of that despicable fact.

[iamamythologicalcreature]

Six Sentence Sunday/Creative Proof of Life

Thanks for the tags, @alexalexinii, @shrekgogurt, and @that-disabled-princess!

This WIP post is basically a proof of life statement. I can't believe it's been over a month since I posted Chapter 1 of the Haunting of Simon Snow. I'm so overdue for chapter 2, BUT... instead I finished writing the rough draft. I've been attempting to outline, because when I rough a draft, I really rough it up. Ahem.

So I have been working on it, even if there is zero evidence on AO3 as of yet.

How about some sentences? I haven't sliced up chapters yet, so not sure if this is from chapter two or three, but here's a snippet of Simon on the phone with Penny expressing some smooshy sentiments:

I curl up on the couch a bit more, maneuvering myself so my wings aren’t crushed. “I went flying last night,” I confess then, in quiet tones. Like someone might hear me. “You— Oh, but… You can’t! What if someone sees you?” I can actually hear her biting her lip. She wants to spell my problems away, and she can’t. “But I can,” I say, smiling a bit more. “There’s no one around for acres. No one will even willingly drive here on account of the house being haunted. It’s empty. And I’m flying at night.” I say flying in the present tense and realize I fully intend to fly again tonight.

Penny huffs. Her specialty. “I don’t like it.” “I do,” I say easily, warming up to explaining, hoping she’ll understand. “It’s so freeing, Pen. Like the weight of the world can’t hold me down, anymore. I feel… It’s like… It’s like I’m closer to the stars. Like I’m close to stirring up the milky way.” I let out a sigh, my eyes closing as I drop my head back, indulging in that recent memory. “I don’t hate it as much, when I’m up there. You know?” There’s a few seconds of silence, and I open my eyes again. “Pen?” “Hate what?” she asks quietly.

(just in case you were worried I wouldn't be including angst...)

Bit more info on my progress (maybe some whinging) and tags and hellos below the cut!

Fun facts about my ineffecient writing process:

I spent more than one or two hours clearing asterisks from my rough draft this morning. (Because discord has trained me to do *this* when I write instead of this.) Because I'm trying to listen to my draft via screen readers, but it keeps sounding like "asterisk-impossible-star-fuck me" (that's my favorite one honestly, it's supposed to read "Impossible. Fuck me.") which is really annoying (more often than amusing). ANYWAY… what this has revealed to me is that I use "Fuck" a lot, as well as "So good." Ahem. Take from that what you will.

BTW, I'm sure there's an easier way to do that than manually. Please don't tell me for at least a few days, or I might lose it. I am but a mortal being, with a tattered heart and patience worn thin. (Or something.)

OKAY. It's been awhile since I did one of these posts. Time really flies. Gonna give this list my best shot, but as always, open to any who want to participate! (Also adding some new names in for the new year so this is sort of my "Gee I hope this is cool with you" super long tag list. If you'd rather not be tagged, just drop me a missive to that effect!)

@leithillustration @prettygoododds @rimeswithpurple @artsyunderstudy @blackberrysummerblog @hushed-chorus @nightimedreamersworld @best--dress @whatevertheweather @ileadacharmedlife @scribble-tier @imagineacoolusername @brilla-brilla-estrellita @alleycat0306 @angelsfalling16 @fatalfangirl @erzbethluna @tender-ministrations @anxious-m3ss @ebbpettier @bubble-gumhead @facewithoutheart @bazzybelle @theimpossibledemon @aristocratic-otter @mooncello @cutestkilla @annabellelux @ic3-que3n @j-nipper-95 @letraspal @messofthejess @onepintobean @palimpsessed @raenestee @supercutedinosaurs @theearlgreymage @thewholelemon @wellbelesbian @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @youarenevertooold @bookish-bogwitch @martsonmars @orange-peony @mostlymaudlin @stardustasincocaine @confused-bi-queer

Lastly, quick note/question. Tumblr seems to be remiss in informing me when I've been tagged in other posts. Is this a common issue?

[ask-the-critters-survival-au]

Static crawls out from the monitor... and reaches out not just to the three who carry it... but a certain pink child as well.

“I… normally make it a rule to wait to send another message until my last one was received… but I do not have patience to wait that long sadly. It is… Children, while this message is intended for all of you, this is to address Picky’s claim that and I quote here, “They. Were never. My friends. Not DogDay. Not Hoppy. Not Bobby, not Crafty, NONE OF THEM. They made that clear when they all left me behind.”... I apologize for recording your voice without permission, child, it was the only way I could think of to get around the others not being able to hear you. As for your statement itself… Well let’s break it down shall we?”

“Dogday- I have already covered where he is. Being tortured without his lower half being hanged off of a wall while surrounded by little critters that have proven themselves to be quite capable of crawling inside of Dogday and puppering his still breathing body around while nibbling at his insides. I didn’t wish to share that final detail, but you're starting to force my hand. He is currently WORSE OFF then if he would have been running away and abandoning you all. With how you talk about him… shouldn’t you be happy Catnap is doing such a thing to him?”

“Hoppy… well of course not now you're trying to eat her. But never your friend? Never? You could have said no longer my friend but instead something as strong as never? Child… that kind of line comes from someone who values that friendship greatly and from a perceived betrayal hard commits the other way. I do not know why Hoppy chose to leave you other than the very valid- and you must agree this is a valid reason, “Catnap is a Psychopath”. And then there's another question… once you took Hoppy’s foot you didn’t chase her. You let her go instead of even trying to stop her… You only started hunting her when you had the bond forged by my deals… but why didn’t you try beforehand? Your care for her twisted into a reason of “Food for later” or “I’m already eating”... instead of chasing the bigger meal?”

“Bobby… again I don’t wish to speak for her when she’s listening to this but… I can put two and two together Picky. Do you know about Crafty’s hands child? Recently through another random memory share (Yes that is happening and I have no idea why children I am sorry for that), the memory of Crafty bothering Catnap aggressively for more red paint to draw with before Catnap pins her, which was honestly valid, and then rips off her hands, which was just really fucked up. Can you not tell me that Bobby would not take Crafty away from Catnap who disabled her? To keep her safe from that?”

“As much as you claim that the others left you behind, does this not paint a different picture? Does this not say something else child? Then let’s go further with those who do stay by you.”

“Bubba is insane and needs very real help he cannot get because the prototype does not allow you all to leave. Depending on how far he’s degraded… does he really have a rational choice to leave you? If he left it wouldn't be because he truly wanted to but some insane whim.”

“Kickin is… a can of worms we haven’t even begun to get at. We haven’t seen him enough to make any guesses as to why he stays. Could be fear… or his care being stronger than fear. I will point out that I do find it incredibly strange he isn’t dead. You said earlier that the only reason Catnap didn’t fully kill Kickin, only horribly mutilated him for going into the playhouse, was because he was still useful… How? Objectively how does Kickin have value- how does Bubba have value and use? Both of them are from what we have seen potentially more problems than their worth and two more mouths to feed.”

“Why do you keep them alive, and why does Catnap keep them alive? Catnap is… complicated. He joined in on the hour… which was justified if not too overboard with killing the innocents and especially killing the kids, either by actually harming them or dooming them to die of starvation down here. Failed to kill Leith Pierre and probably a few of the people behind the experiments, that sucks. Then helped the prototype keep you all trapped down here! Helped keep you all starving! Helped keep you all in torment even while he for some reason doesn’t have the heart to kill anyone!”

“It’s not black and white Picky. The situation is complicated. The emotions are complicated. And that and the following goes to the other three listening to this as well. It’s okay if your feelings are confused. It’s okay to both love and hate someone at the same time. It’s okay to feel betrayed even after all of that was explained. It’s okay to be paranoid about being hurt again, especially in this situation… but please don’t ignore this. Don’t just hide that with rage and lies.”

“Picky… I hate to say this with the others listening but… if you're really going to commit to this, commit to murdering them… do it for the real emotions you have. Don’t lie and make excuses. Be real with yourself at least okay? Even if you hate feeling that way… even if you’re scared to feel that way… those emotions are valid, and hating feeling those emotions are valid.”

“Make the choice you want to make with no regrets, child. Disregard food, because I can make that no issue. Disregard Catnap, for he deserves nothing from you. Disregard the current hunt and petty reasons that don't truly matter.”

“Do you want this child? To permanently lose those three bonds that maybe someday could be mended anew… by your own hands?”

“Until next time children… please all of you, be safe.”

(Breaking one of my rules for this but that last answer made me have FEELINGS I needed to share. Hope your having a great day Mod! Remember the hydrate!)

SHUT UP! shut up shut up shut up shut up SHUT UP!

Um…Are you going through something?

I don’t get it. We never left her behind. We told her she could come but she said no. I mean…that’s what Hoppy told us.

Haha…yeah.

[Mod note: Thank you for reminding me! I tend to forget drinking water is a thing I need to do to survive 😅]

[baharrothbluu]

Since you asked, favourite mechs/mech types from any series/brand?

Okay this is hard because I love so so many mechs, but I'll try and keep it to one example per franchise. For the purposes of this mech I'm calling a mech as a large walking vehicle that fully encases its pilot, of which there are no more than 1 (Sorry Ironstriders and Megazords, you're in different size classes)

I'm gonna start with a kinda ambiguous example (because you can't get out) which is Dreadnoughts from 40k. For non-40k people, dreadnoughts are essentially what happens if you took grandpa's life support and added tank-grade weaponry. Very funny (in the sense that grandpa's hitting clips on life support) and also very horrifying (in the sense that not even death can free you from the grasp of the Imperium). I'm partial to the Castraferrum pattern, because the newer Primaris dreadnoughts put too much emphasis on the armored part of "armored coffin" and basically no emphasis on the coffin.

Let's talk Metal Gear. This one is tough because pretty much every metal gear is great. Ultimately, though, I'm gonna have to give the W to REX here.

It has a nuke railgun. It has swag. It has a hidden melee combat mode and weaknesses because Otacon, one of its creators, was a mecha fan. It took so much to disable its controls, and after Otacon sidesteps the controls problems with Metal Gear Mk. 3, it still works after years of neglect well enough to take out its successor. Peak.

Does Alfredo Linguini from Ratatouille count?

Sadly have not gotten around to EVA, but unit 01 looks really cool.

Of course, with Titanfall, there's only one real option. We gotta go with BT-72-

WRONG. IT'S SCORCH.

I love this thing. I love its War Crimes Blaster. I love its fire shield. I love its voice. I love its capability for destruction. I love Titanfall's mech designs as a whole, but Scorch and Scorch Prime are my favorites. I am biased, and that does not stop me. Scorch is as badass as the day I first saw it, if not moreso. Scorch. Fuck yeah.

[liebgotts-lovergirl]

✨LIFE UPDATE ✨

Hi everyone! As you can see, I am not dead. I swear to God, the past year has just been one personal tragedy after another.

Anyone who knows me knows that I HATE complaining to people about anything that goes wrong in my life bc I HATE showing weakness, but above all else, I want to be honest with y'all about where I'm at rn and why I've been so radio-silent on here lately apart from the occasional quick reblog or queued post.

First, my four year relationship was ended out of the fucking blue by my now ex-fiancé over text literally in the middle of my preparations to move in with him so ALLLLLLLLLLLL of my stuff that had already been either stored up at his place or packed up to send had to be either mailed down to me or unpacked.

So I had to essentially put my whole room (and my whole life) back together from scratch, so that was fun. 🥴

Then we started renovating our house, which has been an on-and-off thing due to conflicting schedules.

Then I started working 2 jobs to pay off my car and my student loans (both of which I'm still paying 💀).

Then the dog who I was taking care of died (he was very old and in pretty bad shape so we kinda saw it coming tbh).

Then my mom was in a major car accident that resulted in her becoming hospitalized, bedridden, and currently, fully disabled.

Now I'm working full-time at the restaurant and when I'm not doing that, I'm helping my mom out at home because she needs a lot of assistance with making meals and cleaning up around the house, taking care of our two dogs, etc.

Then my aunt died after being hospitalized for her health issues and we have been at her house whenever possible to go through her things and get the house itself ready for eventual sale.

So as you can see, my life has been insane lately and I barely have time to eat and sleep, let alone read, research, and write like I used to when I was not working and not acting as a free, live-in aid for my mother.

I love and appreciate you all, and I can't thank you enough for all the support you've given me! 💖💖💖

TLDR: Know that I AM still working on FOF but it will probably take awhile for any new chapters to come out bc of the way my life is at the moment.

Your reblogs, replies, tags, asks, and comments on my work mean the absolute world to me and it warms my heart to know that there's other people out there who love and enjoy the story I'm writing and its characters as much as I enjoy writing them. 💖💖💖

[mywheelieweirdlife]

Hello, I am alive.

I haven't used this blog, or tbh most of my blogs, in a while. Particularly since getting my current job because when you're disabled and teaching, you regularly have no spoons.

But I saw this tiktok: https://vt.tiktok.com/ZSj6DAMkH/

And what it brought up for me was hella interesting in terms of disability advocacy and relying on (more) abled bodied friends.

I have one friend I trust with my wheelchair when I'm in it.

It's not the friend I live with. In fact I am incredibly stubborn and will put myself in pain and danger at times with a 'No, I've got it' to avoid him pushing my wheelchair.

And it turns out; Sunshine Coasts Aquarium is not independently wheelchair accessible and those ramps were way to steep to be safely navigated without help. (Despite the website saying it's accessible. It was not. SeaWorld is more independently accessible tbh)

And I only had one friend I was willing to let help out of the three who were there I could technically ask. (I realised afterwards I probably could have asked my cousin more, but I didn't at the time)

That friend had essentially paired off with my cousin and was not with me most of the trip.

I was also in my Karma wheelchair not my normal one bc my normal chair has tire problems.

*photo below bc it won't let me type under it*

It's a heavy wheelchair that is not easy to push from within it and fucked up my hands by the end of the day.

I didn't have walking spoons thanks to pain in the morning, but I was physically fucked by the end of the day in this.

And part of that is; I struggle to ask for help but also, when the only friend I can fully trust to ask for it is the friend who worked in disability services and ran wheelchairs around the airport for years as a job.... because that's the only person who won't cause me more pain or almost knock me out of my chair bc they don't understand cut curbs.... (My day started with almost falling out of my chair bc someone else didn't understand cut curbs). It's not a shock that I don't use my aids when I should (like at work) bc it's just too fucking hard.

I need my wheelchair at work, but I can't get it there. I literally can't get to work in it. Buses magically 'Don't see me', ubers and taxi's cancel, unless my coworker is picking me up (and I don't want to ask that of her if I don't have to), I'm not able to take my wheelchair to work so I take my cane and rollator.

And to an extent; that is a privilege that comes with being ambulatory.

But it also means I burn out so fucking hard because I'm so often in pain and I don't admit as often as I should the amount walking fucking hurts.

I stopped telling people that it still feels like lightening and glass when I walk bc most people don't care if I'm doing it all the time and they see it as dramatic… meanwhile I'm here like 'I feel it through my entire spine sometimes but I just ignore it now until it's time to take meds for the other kinds of pains and pray I get some extra relief.'

When you're disabled, sometimes 'I live with higher chronic pain' becomes part of the job description just so you have a job.

Meanwhile I'm working on teaching teens to 'Not do that bc it'll fuck up your body and brain and we will advocate for you to not have to do that if you need'. (I work with neurodivergent youth in employment services in my day job now, hence my lack of online presence for the last while)

Knowing fully well I'm a hypocrite who's burning out bc of chronic pain 99% of the time.

I don't have a lot of disability supports anymore.

I traded pain reduction for being further from toxic family and a hope of having a job history that isn't entirely self employment in sex work or sex worker adjacent categories that I don't put on my resume anyway.

But if I created anything educating truely on the hidden sides of my disability?

I would probably die inside a little acknowledging how much work it is to maintain living like this… while also having to actually confront how much help I don't have despite having lost friendships over how much work it feels like.

And a lot of it for people is the mental toll.

Because internalised ableism is a bitch to everyone. And I don't like how the way I'm looked at changes when I'm honest about how bad things are; because depending how the way I'm looked at changes tells me wether or not I'm about to lose someone.

I'm fully aware that despite knowing I don't need to at all, I still avoid telling my partner things about my disability and it's daily impacts on me because more than knowing they'd worry… and despite knowing no fucks would actually be given and the way they look at me wouldn't change bc they're one of the only people I fully trust wouldn't be weirded out by the full impact of FND on my life bc they've read some of my tumblr things about it before, he knows more than most tbh… I am terrified of that anxious feeling that is entirely trauma of 'Will I become too much after this one'.

I no longer ask things of my abled bodied friends.

I can actually pinpoint the exact interactions I stopped asking as much and I think my actual final straw was after my previous relationship ended and my ex (who is still one of my best friends) started dating someone who is also chronically ill but differently… and hearing the comments made by his family and friends about the 'Relief he was dating someone he didn't have to take care of'.

And he tried to shield me from a lot of the comments, but shit still makes its way back to me and fucked me up a little.

It's weird knowing the two reactions from abled bodied friends would be a mix of 'why didn't you tell me?' and 'I don't understand what you want, you seen fine.' if I ever opened up about how bad it is.

I actually miss living with my cousin bc it was the only place I didn't have to lie about the pain I was in and would get the help in the ways I needed it most without fighting for it.

And tbh; I don't really know if I have a point other than it's fucking hard and the people in my life who aren't disabled have actually made it terrifying to tell even my closest also chronically ill friends how bad it actually is.

Because it got easier to pretend I'm not struggling in pain than admit that I am and ask for help and feel unwanted/rejected.

And abled bodied discomfort is infuriating when it makes you feel so alone and impacts your relationships because they're uncomfortable.

[sevenredrobes]

genuinely, episode 8 was terrible. and like yeah, it's in part because of the slashed run time and max almost certainly behind the scenes saying that a s3 would need a hail mary but oh myyyy gooood

where was the development for zheng/jim/olu/archie?? why did auntie suddenly give her blessing to olu?? what changed her mind about softness?? where was the change except for the watsonian explanation that auntie and izzy mirror each other in their roles to their captains??

why did they fucking kill izzy - a disabled, elder queer man with a visible scar from a past suicide attempt?? and then it being to "free" ed from blackbeard!! but he had already let go of blackbeard. he was already offering support to ed to choose what made him happy just last episode!! it was ed who chose to return to the blackbeard leathers and it was completely independent of izzy!

(and god, the optics of killing off a suicide attempt survivor just to further another character's arc!!! and also that he's a queer man off who'd already survived suicide!!! killing off a disabled man to further the arc of the able bodied man that directly led to the disability!!! what the fuck!!)

(and that one shot implying izzy couldn't pivot to avoid getting a deadly belly shot because his leg limited his mobility. the implication that a disabled character died via his disability is just!!! it sucks man)

and also izzy saying ed's got a family and then it ends with just ed and stede alone while everyone sails off into the sunset? ok, and did the family promise to stay in touch? or do we not know that because the show chose to rush shit instead of just trying to make a more open but better paced ending work?

and god ed and stede's relationship was so rushed! ed reads a love letter from stede, they fight some brits, and suddenly their very real relationship problems are solved? what about their mutual issues around responsibility? what about their mutual issues around violence? what about ed being upset at stede for rushing things between them and becoming a bit of a fame monster? how am i supposed to believe that theyre emotionally ready to deal with each other's traumas?

neither of them have even remotely begun to learn how to support each other and learn to disagree healthily! nothing about their latest break up was resolved! stede still moved too fast, ignored ed's wishes about killing ned, and still was a fame monster! and ed still had issues with loving himself and viewing himself as someone beyond blackbeard! they've had some major disagreements and issues and those issues havent been properly explored or resolved!!

and god, ed's character arc!! where is he at the end of the season? has he been magically fixed by one of his oldest companions dying in his arms? he was on the first steps to healing and where is the rest? is the rest going to be fixed by stede's magic dick a la a fanfic? is it going to be fixed by completely divorcing himself from his time as blackbeard and so completely denying a part of his identity and years of his life?

and don't even get me started on how stede and ed's reunion run on the beach was juxtaposed with stede's s2ep1 dream spot of ed in a full beard and not talking in his real voice, in a dream sequence imo that clearly showed that stede was himself also not seeing ed fully for himself and instead for a different version of him!!

honestly, the only things i'm happy about are that lucius and pete are married (despite the jarring and tonally deaf tone change of all that) and that spanish jackie and the swede are chilling and scheming. otherwise everything feels bad and i hate it here

[asksuccubussides]

What if you were an asexual succubus, wouldn't that be fucked up or what Chapter 5

Masterpost of the chapters

"Ho-Ho-Holy shit Jannie, Look at this! Some cannibal shit" Virgil turned to show Janus his phone before hesitating "Shit, I didn't interrupt your studious study time right?"

Janus looked up from his computer and glanced at the clock before shrugging "Eh. You only interrupted me from disabling this bomb that's going to kill us both now but it was about time for a floor break anyway"

It was about 4 am in the middle of the night and the only light in the college library was the lamp on the table the two men were sitting by. After not being able to get a single word written down for weeks Janus had suddenly and inexplicable been hit with a ray of productivity and he'd been hyperfocused on writing for nearly 5 hours now. Virgil was laying stretched out across the table like a bored cat and was mindleesly scrolling on his phone because he probably wouldn't have slept either way.

What Janus considered a 'floor break' was him taking off his scoliosis brace and lying on his back on the floor for a while so his spine could rest. His friend rolled down from the table and laid down beside him.

"So Florida mans been at it again" Virgil started.

"Ah yes, my favorite mythical creature"

"Right so this just got in. Brand new news dude-"

"Is it from an actual source or just cryptid social media accounts?"

"An actual newspaper. Your coinfidence in my reading ability is so bloody low it's insulting"

All Janus did was nod in agreement.

"So...Dramatic pause.....This bloke got his entire arm eaten dude!"

Janus tilted his head while squinting "....Really"

"Well more like lower arm but yeah. By another human. In florida. A few hours ago. Look there's pictures"

"Dear I could go on a whole tirade about the ethics of looking at those photos but...." Virgil sent him a smirk "Alright hand it over"

The photo was of a lower arm where several chunks of skin and meat were completely missing to the point that the bone could seen at a spot. Deep bite marks had been left behind, they were so deep it hardly looked like it had been done by a human. Blood had dried all over the arm making the skin look almost rusty.

"Are you sure this was a human? Not some feral dog? They have bears in America-"

"In florida?" Virgil tapped his fingers against Janus' shoulder like creepy crawlie "What if it was a werewolf. Or a new serial killer. They do say trends come back after around 50 years and it's like 50 years since the 70's" His expression suddenly dropped and he got the anxiety eyes of doom "Oh god the cannibal guy is still out there. What if they get us?"

"We're in England Virge. The first place the mythical cannibal florida man decides to come is definitely over here" he let up into a slight smile "But it would certaintly be fun if it was a werewolf"

Virgil laughed in the quiet almost inaudible way he always did "I know right!"

--

The night air was cold enough that Remus' breathe was visible as he panted. There was still blood on his lips, on his teeth, his hands. Everywhere. There was still blood all over him from the human.

Remus had ripped and feasted on the human's arm until he'd heard people come running and even someone dialing the police. He'd been running away from there before he had even fully realized it. Sirens had blared and the blue lights of the ambulance had passed him by as he'd ran. Until he'd gotten so far away he couldn't hear any of it anymore.

He'd gotten to the train central and immediately locked himself into a bathroom and hidden there sense. The hours had wasted away under the harsh fluorescent lighting. Cleaning off the blood would probably have been the smartest thing to do but Remus had been frozen to the spot on the grimey floor. His legs had numbed from not moving for so long.

His last hope had been that eating the flesh of a human would feed him in the same way that lust did....But it had only made him heavy.

It gave the exact same effect as him eating any other food in that it only filled his stomach making him feel full for a while without giving him any energy. There weren't any tears in his eyes or anger bursting inside of him. All he felt was the loss of hope and that wasn't an emotion he could convey physically. It was like a grief he'd been holding off on for all of his life.

And if the manager found out he would be sent to heaven.

"...How much time....do I have left" He whispered out to no one but himself.

Finally he got up on his feet and almost immediately fell over because his left foot had completely fallen asleep. The sink was one of those stupid ones where the water only got turned on for about 30 seconds so he had to wave his hand around under the motion sensor over and over as he began to clean the blood off. Flesh was still stuck between his teeth, in response he dug his nails between his teeth until his gums were red and ached.

Out of paranoia he cut off parts of his hair at random without any true reason his mind could come up with aside from panicked shouts. He looked himself in the mirror before deciding to leave his bloodstained shirt behind on the toilet seat. He clutched his stomach as he looked once more. The human flesh was still inside of him. Maybe if eating the flesh hadn't come about in....in the circumstances it did he might have thought it was fun.

"They can't send Roman to heaven as well" The words slipped out of him "He hasn't broken any rules. They can't.....Well I won't fucking let them!"

Remus put his hand against the doorknob and spoke the phrase needed. It swung open and the light from the bright white hallways of the succubi quarters nearly blinded him.

He kept his head down and his walk fast as he hurried to his sleeping quarters. Somewhere at the back of his mind he tried to feel if Roman was near but all he felt was the absence of him.

The sleeping barack was nearly empty when he got there. It made sense, it was the early morning on a saturday. most succubi were probably feeding or doing the walk of shame home right now. The only two he could see were Emile and Remy laying close together in Remy's bed.

Emile was reading a book while his hand playfully stroked his lover's hair. Remy's eyelids were drooping, close to shutting, as they laid with their head against his chest. Their peace and quiet was unraveled in an instant as Emile abruptly sat up as soon as he saw Remus.

"Rem-bem! You're back! Are you alright? Your sight hasn't gone bad again has it?"

"My eyes are fine. Has Oran- The manager been here?"

'Girl why the hell would he have been here?' Remy asked while Emile pulled Remus into a tight hug.

"I don't fucking know! To take away more of my sense!? I bet he's having a spa day down where wherever the Dominion demons live!"

"They like totally have a lava pool" Remy said with hatred in their voice.

"And a fancy library aww" Emile stared out dreamily for a moment before shaking his head and continuing "Don't worry about the manager Rembem! We'll protect you no matter what!"

'Yeah. Like that kid with the blue forehead tattoo'

"Indeed!" Emile took Remy's hand in his and smiled "We'll protect you like Aang!"

Remus could feel something sour building up at the back of his throat "....Sure. I'll-"

"Roman regretted what she said as soon as she left!" Emile interrupted "Just so you know! She seemed really apologetic. I'm not implying you don't get to be mad, I simply wanted to give you all the information available. Anger is a very valid emotion to feel so don't f-"

"I already got all the mad out by...tearing into a....tree...Many trees...Like I fucked up an entire forest.........So. I'mma just go sleep now"

He could feel Remy's gaze staring holes into his back as he went to his bed. He rolled his eyes before turning around to see them signing to him.

'Did something happen?'

'Yeah. My brother said I was a parasite made for incest and nothing else' Remus snarked back.

'Girl you know I mean on earth. You're all-'

'I fed. I always get grumpy after I feed'

'Not like this' Remy got close to him so Remus took a step back 'What happened?'

Remus let up into a snarl "I don't know. Do you want to tell me why your boytoy don't have a tail or wings like the rests of us! Wanna say what kind of demon he is!?"

Emile tried to step in between them "Maybe we should all just calm down and respect each other's bounda-"

"What happened?" Remy asked once more without letting go off Remus' gaze.

"Why's your hair white? What did you get Punished for?!"

"I never got Punished"

Remus laughed "WE ALL KNOW YOU WERE PUNISHED FOR SOMETHING REMY! We all just pretend we don't to be fucking nice!" Remy averted their eyes "Not to nice to be asked that shit huh. Fuck off and go choke on your own sunglasses!"

With that Remus turned around and hid himself away under the blanket of his bed. He could hear the faint sounds of the lovers stirring somewhere close by before leaving eventually. He fell into a deep dreamless sleep.

---

There was a dead bird in Janus' dorm. He wasn't sure when or how it had gotten there but when he'd woken up it had been laying there on the floor. His whole body felt weighed down into the sheets as if it had been filled with lead but he knew he had to move the carcass or else it would start smelling.

Brainfog was making all his thoughts move slowly and out of order to the point that he nearly forgot to put on gloves before carefully picking up the bird and holding it close to his chest. He didn't even remember to put on shoes or his back brace before dragging himself out of the dorm. The only thing he grabbed was a small shovel while hoping not to many people were in the hallways.

Luckily enough his dorm laid close to an exit that lead out into the space beyond the college's borders. The finely machine cut grass changed into unkept weedlings and moss with tree roots sticking out. Eventually he found a spot shaded by a large tree and sat down under it.

"I'm sorry dear little bird. I wish I could tell your kind to keep away from me" Janus said as he dug a small hole in the ground "Death can't seem to get enough of me"

He simply sat by the grave for a few minutes after filling it up with dirt. Once he moved to stand he could swear he saw a nearly identical bird sitting in the tree above him but every bird looked sort of the same to him. The only animals he had any sort of knowledge on were snakes and humans.

It was only on the short walk back to the dorm that he realized he was missing his shoes, brace and he hadn't even taken off his night bonnet before leaving the dorm. He closed the blinds to shut the midday light out before taking off the bonnet and braiding his dreadlocks into a thick braid so none of it got in the way for his skin routine. He and Virgil had bought a mirror just so Janus could do his routine without having to stand in the grubby shared bathrooms honestly. That and Virgil's eyeliner.

He put on some jazz, pulled out all his different creams, set up the mirror and made himself comfortable by the desk. The scar taking up most of the space on the right side of his face went between hues of red and purple. Even after all these years it still stuck out jagged and uneven from the rest of his face.

Something wet dropped down onto his finger as he put a cream on his cheek. Even though he was staring at himself in the mirror it still took him a few dumbfounded seconds until he was able to process what it was.

There was blood dripping down like tears from his right eye. It was coming out the tear duct even.

Janus wiped it away but the blood just kept coming. He tried to stay calm as he grabbed his phone and called bascially the only number he ever called.

"Virge?"

"Jannie I was about to call you anyway. Are we still buying oat milk or did we agree to go back to whole milk?" Virgil replied.

"There is blood coming out of my eye"

"Dude I can't decipher what level of sarcasm that is nor how that is supposed to tell me which milk to buy"

"There is literally blood coming out of my eye"

"For real??" He could hear Virgil's breathing immediately getting faster.

"It's coming from my tear duct. I haven't cut it open by accident, don't worry"

"Don't worry?! What if you have a brain tumor!? Or what if it's a sign of sudden extreme stroke! Or locked in disease! Don't fall asleep! Wait I'm looking it up on google-"

"Virge-"

"Google says it's a symptom of like So many diseases. Jannie you can't die on me here!"

"Virge-"

"Did you take your meds??"

"They're antidepressants! Oh! Of course! the very famous side effect of forgetting anti depressants for a day is eye bleeding! Can you just come over here before I have to be the one to calm you down?"

"Oh. Oh right. Yeah. Yeah I'm on my way. I'm just gonna- Yeah. Yeah I'm coming. Uhhh don't die please"

"I'll try my best" Janus snarked.

Five minutes later Virgil came running into their dorm with his breathe caught in his throat. Janus had been holding a cotton ball against his eye to try and stop the bloodflow but he stood up when he saw his friend come in.

"Are you okay? Anything changed?" Virgil spat out between heavy breathes.

"Still the same"

Virgil cupped Janus' cheeks and tilted his head back. Jan moved his hands onto his friend's waist.

"And your eyesights alright?"

"Mostly. A bit pinker than usual"

"Close your eyes" Virgil carefully trailed his hand up along Janus' face and wiped his finger across his closed eyelid "Feeling any better now?"

Janus blinked a few times before looking in the mirror and wiping away the remaining blood. None more came to which he sighed a breathe of relief.

"Of course! I had to lean my head back" Janus exclaimed "Makes sense. My veins must have been mixed up somehow, like when you swallow water into the wrong part of your throat"

Virgil's hands had stayed mid air where Janus' face just had been. His fingers began to fiddle with the end of one his friend's dreadlocks "Did you braid it yourself?"

"What?" Janus was still focused on the whole eye thing "Oh. My hair? No a hairdresser broke into our dorm and did it while I slept. Of course it was me. You've seen me like this before"

"It looks good"

"I'm aware. There was another dead bird here when I woke up. I buried it"

"It must be some fucker throwing it in through the window" Virgil said while going to fill up a glass of water "Don't forget the meds by the way"

He did a little nod while taking the glass before shuffling around in the drawer for his antidepressants "The window has a lock though"

"Everyones got that one friend who's really good at picking locks nowadays" Virgil sat down crosslegged on top of the desk and continued to fiddle with one of Jan's dreadlocks.

"Maybe there's some smell in our room that makes the animals want to come here. You don't happen to have any horrible stenches lying around?"

"Or we're haunted!"

"You shouldn't say that so happily"

---

Remus' bed was weightened down as someone sat down beside him. He ignored it to keep feeling sorry for himself in the little blanket cocoon he'd rolled himself into.

"Dukey?" It was Roman's voice.

It made Remus at least peep his head up from the blanket. His brother held out a deck of cards to him while trying to muster an apologetic smile. Her nose was still bruised and slightly crooked from their fight.

"Want to play uno?" An attempt at forgiveness in the most sibling way possible "If you win I'll let you eat the cards and everything"

Remus took the deck of cards in his hands and looked at it in silence. The taste of human flesh filled his mouth as he gulped "You didn't show up"

"I was upset...I was tired of having to take care of you after every time you fed...I wanted to make a point I guess.."

"Yeah well you didn't fucking show up!" Remus threw the cards at him before yelling "You can go shove those cards up your ass!!"

Roman didn't even try to argue back. He picked up the cards in silence before leaving. Remus could feel something disappearing in his chest as his brother went back to earth.

The taste of flesh filled his entire throat as he hid under the blankets once more. There was no way for him to survive without seducing humans. It kept repeating in his mind along with the threat of heaven fast approching. Every time someone walked by he jumped at the chance of it being the manager.

He was so sure that if the manager saw Roman close to him she would get Punished as well.

---

The same day Remy climbed into Remus' bed and laid down next to the blanket cocoon that was him. They didn't say anything, not even for hours, they just laid there next to him.

Some of the other succubi returned home for the day and the room became filled with chatter. Groups of gossip, music playing from speakers and dialogue from tv shows. A new hit show had apparently come from the greed circle. An argument broke out between those who prefered shows made by pride demons against greed demon fans.

The night continued and the slight warmth of Remy's body still didn't move away. The room turned a bit quieter for the sake of the succubi who liked sleeping. A few of the succubi let up into whistles and teasing as a succubi couple sneaked away to the corner where they'd hung up a curtain for private time.

It nearly took until morning until Remus let his hand wander outside the blanket and moved to press his pinkie against Remy's. They gently took his hand in theirs and squeezed tight.

He held up the blanket to let Remy inside while holding his finger over his mouth 'I gotta tell you something' He signed 'No one can see us right?'

'Girl we're literally under a blanket. Demons don't have see through vision stupid' They replied.

Remus held up his hands, ready to sign, but hesitated on what to say. Or how to start rather.

'I attacked a human'

Remy took a deep breathe and he could practically see as they thought through the implications 'How bad?'

'I ripped into their arm dude. An ambulance came'

They parsed their lips as if to speak before closing their mouth again 'Why is like a totally dumb question aint it'

But Remus still responded since he hadn't been able to talk to anyone about it 'I fed on like 6 people I think. I wanted to- I was mad- I wanted to punch Romans mind out- the manager- I- I dunno'

'6? Girl no. Thats a lot even like for normal succubi'

'I dunno. And- And Roman didnt come get me. He always does! And and then this human came and I wanted to go home. I just wanted to go home Remy. Yknow? I didnt- I thought maybe I could sustain myself on humans and the human was- I tried to get away at first I did but then- I thought I could feed in my own way- But it didnt work. I didnt fed I just ripped and-'

Remy grabbed ahold of his shoulders "Hey" They whispered "Me and Emile said we were gonna protect you. We weren't lying" They switched back to signing 'No one will know. If you say so not even Emile will know'

Remus leant his forehead against the nape of their neck and took a few long shaking breathes before looking into their eyes 'Do you think I could survive heaven?'

'Dont- Girl dont even-'

'I mean I could slaughter my way out right? I know all about violence! I could get out right? If Patton could-'

'We dont even know if Patton is real!'

'Of course he is! If he survived heaven- If he made it back so can I! Youre older than me! You should know if Patton is real or not! Youve never not said hes real!'

'How am I supposed to fucking know! Everyones been telling us bout him since before I was even fucking made!'

'I could survive it!'

'What would you get back to?! The manager would just send you to heaven again!'

'I run away! I- I find a place on earth!'

'You hate earth'

'Yeah well I would hate being dead more!'

Remy abruptly stopped the conversation by hugging him tightly. So tight their fingers dug into his skin. Remus held them just as tight.

'Roman wont get Punished as well? Right?.....Right?'

'...Of course...Of course not...'

Remus' hands shook ever so slightly as he signed 'Roman would miss me...right?'

Remy grabbed his hands and whispered "Don't talk like that. We won't let it happen! You're not going to heaven! You're staying right fucking here! You hear me!?"

"You didn't answer the question"

"Of fucking course Roman's gonna miss you! We're all gonna miss you!"

"I'm the reason our squadron's in the shit"

"And!? That don't matter! You're not leaving us!"

They hugged him again and buried their face against his shoulder so he wouldn't see the tears in their eyes.

"You're not leaving us"

[loudmouthbrowngirl]

I rarely do things without thinking about the consequences. I knew what people would think when I shaved my hair, I knew people would think whatever I let them think so I told them what to think.

I shaved my head for all the girls who were and are controlled by their hair. I shaved my head for all the girls who have to look or dress or fit a certain standard of existence to survive.

Hours after I did it, a woman in the Arab Nations (I'm sorry I can't remember where), was killed because she was caught with her Hijab showing not fully covering her head. Just mere hours.

The person who shaved their head to show the world that girls can look whatever they want or need to look like to be happy is still here under all my new hair, they're just trying to figure out where they fit in a world where after decades of suffering they have privileges they never knew could exist for someone such as themselves.

I'm learning as I go. Just like you...and mostly I'm learning I am uncomfortable as fuck with how the world treats Black, Brown, Indigenous, Disabled, and even able-bodied people around the world.

Every day I am alive speaking from my place of privilege is a day of revolutionary acts in a world that always told me to remain silent in the face of tyranny lest I get caught in it's gaze.

To that I say, Come at me bitch

#FreePalestine

[dorkboy]

I’m in one of my moods again and I feel like it might help to put it down into words instead of it bouncing around my fucking skull, so here.

I’m disabled. I definitely deal with depression and anxiety, but I also suspect I’m autistic and have ADHD. All of this has impacted my ability to work, which is why I’ve never been fully employed and why my living situation is what it is. I constantly feel like I’m stuck, like every time I get somewhere, something comes along and snatches it out of my hands. And it's fucking infuriating! Like, I spent the vast majority of my 20s spinning my wheels and barely being able to get out of bed. I'm more than half way through my 30s and all I've accomplished is a handful of part time jobs that I either left because of the work environment, or was let go from. I was burning out of my last job by the time they let me go, and I don't even know if I have the mental strength to ever work in that field again. The field I, quite literally, have a degree in.

Something's gotta give. I'm tired of being where I am, but every time I feel like something's gonna work out, it fucking flops. I always feel like I'm too disabled to work, but at the same time, I was told by my first therapist that I was too put together to ever be able to get assistance. Add to that the fact that my work history is so fucking sparse that I doubt they'd help me anyway.

I've tried online work. Data entry is a saturated field and most of it doesn't pay anything. I have apd and a shit memory, so transcription isn't an option. Besides, that's both massively oversaturated and pays dogshite. I've signed up for "free" programs that people push for personal assistance positions and those are all a waste of time and energy. Feels like they're peddling the courses they give more than they actually do VA work. Everywhere I look, the options are the same; bullshit, bullshit, and more bullshit. I just wanna move on with my fucking life. I want a car. I want an apartment. I want a dog.

Physical labour is fine until it's more than a couple hours of me on my feet, and then I'm so exhausted after the fact that I have to take the next day or two off to recouperate. Fast food is, as a result, not an option. I can't go back to the place I was, because that's the place I got fired from.

I'm too disabled to work. I'm not disabled enough for help. And I'm tired.

[penandwind]

I sometimes liken my depression/anxiety/whatever the fuck mental illness as its own seperate sentient being, or something akin to a virus. It seems to adapt and mutate to any change in my life that might weaken it, taking on new strategies to make me suffer. Of course I know thats not whats really going on, but its an apt metaphor.

Its latest "mutation" by far is the most clever and cunning on its part however. Recently I talked about how I feel alone because I can't ever be my full self around someone, how for some reason that its too much and drives people away. I considered going back to therapy for a while just to help keep my head above water. But then a single thought struck my mind like a stone and shattered that notion. The thought that my problem is I have nobody who will willingly try and understand me fully, want me to be my full self, and my solution is to pay somene and forcibly listen because nobody truly does. I have to pay someone to let me be me and not run away.

Just like that, the conecpt of going to therapy is now ruined. Because its a bleak realization, but its a true one. I'm not the kind of person who can lose myself in the moment for an experience I know is fake. I wish I were, though if I was I'd probably blow all my money on sex workers asking them to pretend to care about me. But I can't lose myself in experiences like that, a voice in the pack of my mind reminds me it isn't real, its fake and doesn't mean anything. And now that applies to therapy I guess. A fucking brilliant strategem on my Despair's part. Cripple the only real danger to it since my life is and always will be like this, with no improvement.

There's a great irony in how for most of my life, I resisted my addictions. I saw how my dad's drug use ruined our family and his life, and I made a vow to fight against my high susceptibility to substance additction so I would end up better than that, better than him. And yet, here I am... a fucking disaster far worse off than he was at this age. I'm the age when my mom divorced him. He had a loving family, a house, lots of things precious to him. He had shit to lose, and he lost most of it. I'm his same age and I've never been loved will forever be poor, disabled, and living in suqalor. Literally the only reason I can't just go "fuck it" and just start buying whatever drugs I can get my hands on is because I'm literally so socially inept and removed from society that I have no contacts who I can ask for such things nor do I have the ability to find such people. Its very dark and painful. Please, at least turn me into the monster you treat me like so it at least makes sense.

[silversong79]

Hi everyone this here is a vent post because Typing Out My Thoughts is how I organize them into usable Thoughts and Ideas rather than proto-ideas that do nothing but vaguely flop around in my brain causing despair and panic

Okay so. I had a WFH (work from home) job for most of last year and a few weeks ago I got unexpectedly cut off from the site (essentially quiet-fired) and bc they only hire freelancers there's really no way I can fight back. That job is gone. I've heard of others on the platform having the empty dash thing resolve, but I am not hopeful and I refuse to bank on that.

I do have disability benefits but they are,,,not much? Not nearly enough for me to care for myself AND contribute to my household expenses, let alone save up or buy stuff I actually want.

I also don't know if the amount I made is going to fuck up my access to benefits or what it means tax-wise, but I can figure that out w my dad

I just really, really need a job, and it's gotta be something real specific bc of my disabilities. I can't pay more in spoons than I'm receiving in pay, you know? I can't do in-person or customer service work bc of autism, and I can't do manual labor because of physical disabilities, so it's gotta be something work-from-home AND fully online.

At the same time, I've been looking toward self- or indie publishing my novels in the near future, which is, essentially, starting a small business. So I'll need to take some courses in entrepreneurship and web design (but lord they're so goddamn boring)

I just feel so....stuck. So trapped. I want to live and be joyful and build a loving community but I'm so fucking tired and looking for a job is so so so soul-crushing.

Basically this has been me for the past month:

I'm almost thirty and I'm lonely as fuck and have no idea how to go about changing that bc I'm terrified of Doing Social Interaction Wrong and being sent to Autism Jail. So there's that too.

[dorkass-nerd]

it fucking sucks being disabled (mutual aid links at the end)

i'm so fucking sick of it.

i'm sick of the medical negligence i face on the regular

i'm sick of the amount of doctors i see year in year out

last year i saw (and i counted) 12 different doctors in around a 3 month period.

i've already lost count of the amount of times i've seen doctors this year

from speciaists, to normal planned doctors appointments, to emergency doctor appointments for constant and reoccuring issues that spring up out of seemingly nowhere and leave me crippled with pain.

i dog ear every page in my journal i keep to log all my medical issues

and i have a week-per-page diary

and about half of the pages are dog eared. i've just added a new dog ear and have another doctor appointment in a weeks time

i have almost no dignity left

i've been exposed in front of so many strange people, touched in places i never want strangers to touch, and been told again and again that "your bloods are fine theres nothing wrong!" as if bloods are the only way to glean any information on a patient.

a referall for a blood screen seems to have just gotten lost somewhere in the system and i had to wait over a month from booking a seperate blood test to the actual appointment day because walk in bloods are something that conventiently wasn't brought back after the covid scare died down (i know its still an issue i just mean its not cared about as much in places)

im working on a timer here, i want to emigrate, i want to leave this country that is actively harmful to my health and wellbeing.

i want to tie up as many loose ends as i can before i leave.

but the system is working against me, constantly, all the time

when i start to get somewhere with a doctor they leave and i have to start all over again with a new doctor. and recount my entire medical history because they don't have time to even skim my notes because of how swamped the system is.

the doctor im seeing now has been an immense help, and im glad to be finally getting somwhere but my g-d

i've fought tooth and nail for every inch of ground i've gained.

it shouldn't be like this.

for anyone

please do not worry about me when i say this, i am not suicidal, i would not kill myself. but i have reached the point in my disabilty journey where if death came to claim me i would welcome it with open arms and say "hey, you fucking took your time, lets get going, bags are already packed"

and please, before anyone comes in here and tells me i need to be grateful because i have free healthcare or whatever, i fully fucking recognise that, and i am grateful for it

but please

i need you to acknowledge

i can be grateful for a system but still critisise it

i can be grateful for a system but still critisise it

i can be grateful for a system but still critisise it

those two things can and do coexist.

but i guess on the other side of it if you want to help a bitch out in accumulating savings to get the hell out of here i'll drop links, help is much appreciated and i love you all <3

[a-real-ghost]

Hey, genuine question here - are we not allowed to find people pathetic, sad, ridiculous, and /also/ dangerous and symptomatic of a failing system? Like - yes these people are fucking Nazis. Also, they look fucking stupid and it's funny to laugh at them.

These people want me dead. These people want us dead. Can I personally do anything about that right now? No. I really can't. Nothing that I as an individual will do can change anything that they have already done. I can spread awareness, I can highlight these atrocities, and I can support people in need - but that's it.

For my life, as an individual, I can choose from of a couple approaches.

1: I can get furious and angry.

2: I can get depressed and hopeless.

3: I can laugh at them.

Now, for me, this is how that math breaks down.

Giving into anger right now doesn't help me or anyone else around me - because I have no way of directly affecting the situation. All it would do is take away from the things that I do on a daily basis to try and help. It takes my focus away from helping people in need and turns it towards harming those who have done wrong. Except that the people in need are right in front of me, while the people who have done wrong (and continue to do so) are out my reach. Personally, I want to spend my energy where it has the most impact.

I can't afford to fall into hopelessness right now. That leads to inaction and further harm. There are things that need doing, and there are people who need help. Allowing despair to take over because there is nothing I can do sabotages the things that I can do.

Laughing at the shitty dumbfucks who do shit like this, mocking them, and showing that they do not scare me helps me survive to tomorrow. It lets me keep moving. People like this care about their image, they care about looking strong and scary and frightening - and I'm not going to give them what they want.

Are they a threat? Absolutely yes. Are they dangerous? Yes. Are they being aided and empowered by facist "law enforcement" that let these jackasses operate? Yes. Do they look fucking stupid? Yes. These things can all be true - and just because someone points out one of these things doesn't inherently mean that they disagree with any of the others. I'm still 100% willing, able, and eager to send these fuckers to their god the moment I get the chance to - making fun of them doesn't change that.

(this isn't to even mention the fact that I am physically disabled, so my ability to go out and wage war on the front lines against these fascists is pretty reduced anyways - we can't all be soldiers)

Shit like this is highlights how fucking hard it will be to successfully beat these fascists - because while they're out there killing people we're over here implying things that nobody said, acting in bad faith, and taking our communities apart. People aren't perfect, they aren't always going to say the right thing. If we keep assuming the worst in people, we're going to show everyone who is watching that we don't actually care about doing the right thing. We show people that the actions they take, the beliefs they hold, the work that they do, that it is all /meaningless/ if they do a single thing wrong.

Look, I'll even be fully up front with you. I used to be a horrible person. I was a racist, I was sexist, homophobic, transphobic, the whole fucking bag. I grew up in a shithole town in the middle of fucking nowhere and didn't know any better. And when I started doing the work to learn, people who acted like you shoved me right the fuck back down into it. People who act like this made it worse. Do you know what pulled me out of it? What showed me the error of my ways and made me realize the monster I had been? People who reached out and told me why things were wrong - people who didn't assume that I was evil, but knew that I didn't know any alternatives.

- Sidenote -

because I know that you're going to assume shit that I didn't say: people obviously have absolutely no obligation to go out of their way to educate people about the struggles that they face I'm a trans woman and I don't have to explain to anybody why calling me a tranny is not okay, or why misgendering is cruel, or all the intricacies of the bullshit that I face - I also have no fucking obligation to attack people who are even remotely on my side. I have no obligation to take the people who don't know any better and compare them to the facist pigs that we're up against. I don't have to make things worse. I'd take 100 well intentioned idiots on my side over 1 intentional murderer on the other.

- End sidenote -

Fascists win because we keep fighting with ourselves. We're going to have to work with people who we don't agree with 100% to win this shit. This purity testing bullshit just keeps us angry at each other. I mean fuck - that's what the fuck racism in America is all about at its core: you keep poor white people blaming poor black people for their problems, and then the poor white people make the poor black people fucking pissed at them (rightfully so) and nobody ever notices that it's the rich fuckers on top who win every time. It's playing right into their fucking game, and it's stupid.

- sidenote 2 -

Yes I absolutely fucking know that racism is more complicated and in depth than this, and I know that racism has been a problem long before the American capitalist system intentionally turned white indentured servants (slaves) against black enslaved people (slaves who had it vastly vastly vastly worse) so that neither group was able to rise up against the people who owned them. I know that there is more to it, and I know that what I have said is a massive oversimplification of the reality of racism across the world. I also understand that racism in America is not exclusively a black vs white situation, and I was simpling using one example to highlight the point that I was making:

The people in power want us to keep fighting each other, because if we put aside our differences and went against the people actually responsible we would fucking win.

- end sidenote 2 -

Yes it fucking sucks to deal with ignorant people. Fuck I'm still a complete dumbass about a lot of things - but I'm taking the time to learn. Quit shooting the people on your fucking team, learn what the enemy looks like, and learn to pick your fucking battles. We're on the same fucking side here, we can worry about the specifics once the fucking fascists are gone.

- final note -

I understand that shit like this is scary and isolating, and I know you aren't a bad person. I know that you're trying your best to survive in a world that is actively trying to kill us. There are things that you know and experience that I do not, and the perspective you have on the world is important and valuable. There are many things that I am certain you would be able to share with me that would expand my perspective and highlight cruelties and atrocities that I had not imagined before - and once I knew what those were I would do my utmost to try and help. Everyone is doing the best they can, with the resources they have available. I hope that there is light and happiness in your life, and I hope that we all get to see a dawn when we are truly free from this facist hellscape. You are not alone in this fight, we outnumber them. We will win.

and then ppl are like “why don’t you like the police” this is why, they are protecting their own, and their own are nazis

[cesium-sheep]

arin hit a snag with the financing for her bike so she texted to check with me if at least asking the dealer about their options was okay and now I’m stressy :( she said we still have wiggle room even though the deposit will be a hit and she won’t take a bad deal just cuz she wants the bike and I don’t need to worry but. aaaaaaa I hate worrying about money so much, I was supposed to be done worrying about money because my allowance is squared away if my patreon doesn’t implode. and I won’t really have time or energy to find extra work until january at the absolute earliest. the doc said they really want to buy a blanket off me so I have that option in my back pocket if I need it I guess, although I worry about the potential ethics consequences they could face which is why I haven’t already made them one even though it’s not a gift it’d be a fairly compensated service good, albeit one made on speculation.

10 months. in 10 months she’ll start getting paid and I can stop worrying for real for real.

[wavy-gorl]

did not realize there was a community for this, but this is the internet i should've known

hi i was born with a cleft soft and hard palate, i didn't have a cleft lip or anything else (still tagging this because i wanna reach anyone who understands), my mom told me that i also have the thing where you have a really small chin combined with a cleft palate but i don't remember the name of the condition

i've like literally never been able to talk to anyone else who's had one and i mean my friends all know about it and i love them, but like they don't fully understand bc they haven't experienced it, you know how it is

but uh yeah i've always felt really weird labeling myself as like disabled or anything like that because i've always felt like my cleft palate wasn't enough but honestly my entire life has kinda revolved around it so i feel like i should

here's the part where i'm going to dump in a list all of my super specific experiences in hopes that someone will relate because i am so serious when i say that i've never talked to someone who relates before:

tw: idk medical stuff, ed mentioned (arfid specifically), mildly graphic i guess (just complaining about medical stuff i've had to deal with)

i've had 11 surgeries (feeding tube, adenoids removed, palate repairs, and ear tubes)

i have this sick as fuck second belly button and honestly sometimes i forget that most people only have one and i have to do a double take when i see other people's boring abdomens

i have a list of foods that i cannot eat because they taste like general anesthesia (including but not limited to: whoppers, onion rings, cranberry juice, blue candy hearts, and wintergreen life savers)

i was diagnosed with arfid recently, but i've had it my entire life because i had a feeding tube for the first year of my life and so i just cannot handle most food textures

i have really bad social skills and low self-esteem because i got bullied when i was younger because people couldn't understand me because my voice was really weird, this got better with surgeries but it didn't fix my lack of social skills

I HATED SPEECH THERAPY, like 14 years of it did not make s sounds easier to pronounce

i need hearing aids but i can't get them because i have holes in my ears and extreme drainage, but the holes are good because they allow my ears to drain but the fact that there's drainage is still bad and ahhhhhh

i'm 19 but i still have to go back and forth between the children's hospital and the regular one when it comes to palate stuff and it's honestly annoying sometimes (everyone's nice though so it's fine)

eating is awful because nose stuff i don't want to go into detail but iykyk (don't make me laugh while eating)

i don't have a uvula and when people find out, it's suddenly the most interesting fact they know about me and i don't get it

not even i know my full medical history it is so incredibly complex

i have a collection of my wristbands

the worst fucking thing in the world was the stupid nasal endoscopy, like early covid brain-poking tests were fucking nothing compared to that stupid camera going up my nose

mouth breathing

i have random vocal/breathing tics (i guess tic is the right term?) and they are annoying but yeah

every goddamn time i went to the orthodontist, he would always say every FUCKING TIME "don't let your mom tell you that you have a big mouth because i'm here to tell you otherwise" LIKE I GET IT

when i got my teeth pulled, the laughing gas didn't work because 1.) that shit's so weak and 2.) i had to breathe it in through my nose exclusively (mouth breathing point), but they didn't believe me and went along with the procedure anyway and after experiencing that, hell has nothing on me

my role model growing up was lentil bean, the cleft palate dog

the only piece of media i ever related to was Wonder, but even that one contributed to me feeling like i hadn't gone through enough to consider my cleft palate a big deal

i am a musician (singer and percussionist) but i can't breathe, hear, or speak properly and so i bet you can imagine how hellish that is

i had to quit dance when i was younger because i kept missing entire seasons because of my surgeries (since recovery was like 4 weeks sometimes) and i really wish that i didn't have to

ok yeah that's all i can think of please someone relate to me god please