#be gay do crimes eat whipped cream

[chaotictoasterstrudel]

Just got told that if I wanted to keep my “girly figure” then I should stop eating whipped cream.

[pessimisticlatte]

Glass Roses ~ Chapter 17

Adrienette ~ MariChat ~ Lukagami ~ Chlobrina ~ Ninalya (DJWifi, I don’t know the ship name) ~ Platonic Marigami ~ Platonic Chloinette ~

Long awaited but here it is! Chapter 18 is in the works!

Toying with the kiss clasp of her purse nervously, Marinette waited out the front of Francois Dupont college for Chloe. Six months ago, if someone had told her that she would be heading out on a shopping trip with Chloe Bourgeois she wouldn’t have believed them but here she was, equipped with her sketchbook, measuring tape and other essentials for designing a dress, waiting for her ex-bully to arrive. Light footsteps tapped down the concrete staircase behind her, Marinette turned slightly and was met with the broadly smiling face of her new friend as she descended the stairs.

“Hi, I’m sorry I’m a bit late, I had to call Daddy to make sure he’d taken his heart medication,” Pushing an escaped lock of hair from her fringe behind her ear with her fingertips, Chloe seemed almost out of breath. “He’s been on it for two weeks and he’s just so busy that sometimes he forgets to take it.”

“It’s alright, Chloe,” Mari smiled warmly at the other girl. It was sweet to hear that Chloe was taking care of her father and that he, in turn, was taking care of her. Adrien, with Chloe’s permission, had told Marinette how Chloe’s mother had responded when she’d come out as gay, so it warmed Marinette’s heart to know that at least one of her friend’s parents was supportive, even if he wasn’t in the best of health. “Is he okay?”

“Yeah, he’s okay, just really busy with mayor stuff, you know?” Reaching the bottom of the stairs, Chloe stood awkwardly for a moment before Mari pulled her into a hug. “Oh,” There was a single moment of hesitation before Chloe wrapped her arms around Marinette and hugged her back.

“My Dad always says that everyone can use a hug sometimes and I thought that you could use one right now,” Squeezing Chloe briefly before pulling away, Marinette grinned at her.

“T-thank you, Marinette,” Not that she’d ever admit it but Chloe was beginning to feel the sting of tears in her eyes. She’d been so awful to Marinette in the past but the other girl had just shown her such a level of affection she had never thought she’d be worthy of.

“Hey,” Mari rubbed Chloe’s arm before looping it through her own. “Your past doesn’t define you, it’s what you choose to do in the future that does.”

“Sabby said the same thing,” Chloe laughed as they began to walk down the street toward the boutique district. The girls had agreed to look at the colours that were in fashion for this season before they began picking out fabrics for Chloe’s dress.

“Great minds think alike, I guess,” Nudging Chloe with her shoulder, Marinette giggled. 

~~~~~~~

“Yellow looks really good on you but we have to make sure to pick the right shade,” Pressing her sketchbook to her chest, Marinette scanned her eyes across the reams and reams of fabric stacked up before her. There had been such a wide range of colours and styles on display in the boutiques that Mari and Chloe had decided to stick to the basics, which, for Chloe, was yellow and silver. They’d sat in the park together for about an hour before coming to the fabric shop as Marinette showed Chloe the design she wanted to use for her dress and Chloe described any things she wanted added or changed about it until both girls had agreed completely on it. 

“What do you mean?” Chloe was so overwhelmed by the sheer amount of fabric packed into this one room that she’d had to take a seat on the small, leather chair pushed into the corner of the room behind where Mari was standing.

“Well, you look really good in cold toned yellow but there are so many warm toned ones here that it might be hard to find the right one. We don’t want a patterned fabric because you’re already stunning enough as is and we don’t want to drown you out,”

“Oh, okay,” A small blush began to tinge Chloe’s cheeks. Marinette thought she was stunning and, with how new this friendship was, it was strange to hear her say so. “What about that one?”

Mari followed where Chloe was pointing to with her eyes, the tip of her finger indicating to a pale yellow silk two shelves above where Marinette was looking. Standing on her tiptoes, Mari grabbed the edge of the cardboard roll the fabric was wrapped around and tugged it free of it’s confines. Holding the soft fabric in her hands, Marinette rubbed it between her fingers and admired the shifting shine of the fabric in the warm lights of the shop.

“Can you come here for a moment, Chloe?” Pushing her phone into her pocket, Chloe got up from the chair and crossed over to Marinette, dodging crates of fabric cluttering the floor. Holding the fabric out, Mari rested a corner of the fabric over Chloe’s wrist, chewing her lip. “I think this one might be it.”

“I totally agree,” Eyes wide, Chloe admired the shift between lemon and butter in the fabric, the small swatch looking as though it had been made to bring out the honey-golden tones in Chloe’s pale skin. “And I’ll wear silver jewellery with it?”

“Yes! The silver will make the yellow look brighter,” Rolling the ream back up and slipping the rubber band she’d taken off it back into place, Marinette grinned at Chloe. “Let’s get this then get back to mine so I can take your measurements.”

~~~~~~~

Pacing around her office, Nathalie wrung her hands until the skin was tinged red. Ladybug and Chat Noir hadn’t contacted her for a while, Adrien’s party was in two weeks and Gabriel seemed to only be getting more and more fixated on all the things he was going to do once he had stolen their miraculouses. She’d sent them messages telling them not to come to the party, saying that their plan to sleuth Nooroo away from him wasn’t going to work because he would be paying just as much attention to them as they were to him and there wasn’t a chance in hell that they’d be able to sneak away without alerting Gabriel to what they were doing. Nathalie couldn’t explain why she had a feeling deep in the pit of her gut that said that Gabriel knew that Ladybug and Chat Noir were aware of his secret identity but it was there and it wouldn’t go away.

A shallow knock sounded from the other side of Nathalie’s office door, startling her out of her worried stupor. 

“Who is it?” Pausing her pacing, she looked at the door with wide eyes. 

“It’s Adrien,” The young man on the other side of the door responded with a smile in his voice. “Can I come in?”

“Uh, yes,” Crossing the room to the door, Nathalie disengaged the lock and pulled it open to reveal Adrien standing just beyond the threshold with a brown paper bag in his hand. “Come in.”

Holding up the brown paper bag, Adrien grinned at his father’s assistant. “I got us some eclairs from the Dupain-Cheng bakery,” Moving behind her desk, Nathalie gestured for Adrien to take the seat in front of her so they could eat together. “I got you a caramel eclair, your favourite.”

“You’re very considerate, Adrien,” Smiling warmly, sincerely, Nathalie watched the young man she saw as her son open the bag and pull out the most perfect caramel eclair she’d ever seen, as was expected from the Dupain-Cheng bakery after all. He handed her the eclair before he pulled his own one out and folded the bag neatly on the desk. “Was Marinette not at home when you went to the bakery?”

“Oh, I didn’t go to the bakery to see her,” Adrien laughed, taking a bite from his chocolate eclair, smearing whipped cream over his top lip which he licked off with a grin. “She was home, but I wanted to get us some afternoon tea because I feel like I don’t spend enough time with you lately.”

“That’s very sweet of you,” Nathalie took a hesitant bite of the eclair to hide how her cheeks were flushing from the sheer sweetness surrounding this little tete-a-tete with her boss’ son. The last time she’d felt this loved, Emilie had been sitting across a small iron table from her at a cafe on the Champs Elysees as they shared a citrus tart.

“I also thought it would be a good time to ask you to sign these,” Adrien’s cheeks tinged pink with embarrassment as he pulled a stack of papers out of the knapsack still slung over his shoulder and placed them in front of Nathalie as the woman herself wiped a small bead of caramel syrup off the corner of her lips. 

“What are they?” Wiping her sticky fingers on her fine, silken trousers, Nathalie leaned forward to inspect the papers. Normally, she would’ve been horrified at the thought of wiping something as sticky and staining as caramel on anything that wasn’t a washcloth but at this point in time, she didn’t care.

Adrien paused for a moment, eclair still held in his long, pianists fingers. “Adoption papers,” Nathalie’s eyes blew wide and flew up to meet Adrien’s gaze. 

“A-adoption papers? W-w...Why would I need t-to sign adoption p...papers?” 

“So you can be my mother legally too,” Unbeknownst to the person sitting opposite them, the words so I have someone to take care of me when Gabriel goes to prison for the crimes he’s committed as Hawkmoth rang unspoken in their minds. “You don’t have to sign them if you don’t want to, Nathalie.”

Tears had started to prickle in Nathalie’s eyes as she shifted her gaze between Adrien and the adoption papers before her. Reaching forward to grab the papers, sadness roiling in his gut, Adrien found Nathalie gripping his hand in hers as sparkling tears began to streak down her face.

“I’m going to sign them, Adrien,” Placing the eclair on her desk gently, Nathalie grabbed Adrien’s hands in both of hers, a coating of sticky residue remaining though neither of them could care right now. “I promise you that I’m going to sign them.”

“Why’re you crying?” He looked genuinely worried as Nathalie held back a happy sob.

“Because I’m happy, Adrien, I’m incredibly happy. This is the best gift anyone could have ever given me and,” She choked slightly, squeezing the young man’s hands. “And I would be honoured to be your mother.”

~~~~~~~~~

Heart lighter than it had been in much too long, Adrien, as Chat Noir, skipped over the rooftops of Paris. Nathalie was going to sign the papers tonight and take them into the mayor’s office tomorrow to make the adoption official; he and Marinette were doing great; Chloe was happy and was becoming the person he always knew she had the capacity to be; and they were going to stop Hawkmoth; things felt like they were beginning to fall into place. Reaching the rooftop across from the Dupain-Cheng bakery, Chat Noir leaned against a chimney pipe and watched the beautiful dark haired girl sitting on the balcony as she worked. He could watch her for hours, the way she sewed was mesmerising, from the small wrinkle that creased her forehead to the way her tongue poked past her lips slightly as she deftly passed the needle through the fabric at an impressive speed for a stitch so intricate. Heart constricting from the sheer enormity of what he felt for the young woman sitting and sewing, he felt a smile creep onto his lips as she looked up and eyes of depthless blue met ones of mirthful green.

Extending his baton, Chat carefully crossed the street and landed softly in front of Marinette, who had gently laid down what she was working on and stood. 

“Good evening, Chat Noir,” She teased, wind carefully ruffling her fringe as the loose hair drifting around her shoulders picked up like an inky curtain.

“Good evening, Miss Dupain-Cheng,” Slipping into the personality of Chat Noir that he’d once seen as nothing but an escape and a side of himself he’d never get the chance to show anyone, he circled Mari with his hands clasped behind his back and his tail swishing gently. “You’re looking stunning tonight.”

Cheeks staining red, Mari let Chat grab her hand and press a kiss to the back of it with soft, slightly chapped, lips. 

“To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit, Chaton?” Giggling, Marinette interlaced her fingers with those of the blonde boy before her and squeezed his hand with measured strength. 

“You owe yourself the pleasure of this visit,” Hands still interlaced, Chat spun Marinette around so that her back was pressed against his chest and his free arm was clasped around her waist as they looked out over the twinkling lights of Paris. Pressing his cheek to the side of her head, feeling the girl into his arms melt into him, Chat inhaled the smell of fresh linen and caramel that seemed to follow Marinette wherever she went. “Because if you weren’t here, then I’d have to go to where you were and this would be a very different visit.”

“How’re you feeling? I know you came by the bakery today, Papa told me, but you didn’t ask for me,” Tilting her head back slightly, Mari looked up at her boyfriend with the smallest of pouts on her lips, the expression enough to send his heart racing all over again.

“I was getting afternoon tea for me and Nathalie-,”

“Nathalie and I,” Bumping him with her elbow, Marinette corrected his grammar with a barely restrained giggle.

“Nathalie and I,” Chat squeezed her slightly harder as she dissolved into a fit of giggles in his embrace. “And I asked her to sign the adoption papers.”

They were silent for a moment, Chat Noir’s chin resting on Marinette’s head as they stood together in the chilled Paris air, bathed in the light from Mari’s room and the caged fairy lights dancing around them like fireflies in the spring.

“She’s going to sign them,” He pressed a kiss to the crown of Mari’s head as she hummed happily, her own heart racing beneath their joined hands. 

“I’m so happy for you, Adrien,” She couldn’t express just how happy she was for him with words or with actions but she was happy because he sounded happy. “You know that you’ll always have a home with my family too, don’t you?”

“Yeah,” Chat pressed another kiss to Marinette’s head. “But I also know that I have a home wherever you are.”

“What did I do to deserve you?” Mari was glad that he couldn’t see the crimson blush creeping up her neck and onto her cheeks from his words.

“Exist,”

~~~~~~~~TAGLINE~~~~~~~

@lady-charinette @maniic-pixie-dream-girl @mochegato @katieykat513 @aussie-lesbian @itwasmydog @nifflerstorm @imgaydontshoot @beauty-and-her-books @camelliaflwr @a-star-with-human-name @hnbutt @severalverysmallmangoesinabasket

DM me to be tagged!

[thelovers-thedreamers-and-me]

bit of a short fuck squad today but the apartment is Too Warm and i had shit to do instead of prepping

we begin with a discussion on if you can make whipped cream with jizz. after a regrettable google i find a result that if you wanted to use it in meringues you would need someone with a low sperm count

“any more nut-crushing distractions?”

that was surprisingly not relevant to the jizz meringue discussion

rhonia and maddela’s players get up to shenanigans so for some reason we kinda ended up at the solution of “they each sit on one of my knees and then they’re too close together to do crimes”

“it’s me, bobbie, the get-together queer.” sergei: “get-along gay.”

yoni wants to mount the corpses that they left behind in funny positions

“do any of you have craft: taxidermy?” sergei: “i have DIY but i don’t think that counts.”

there was a lot of justification of glueing intermittently alive people permanently in doorways

they go wandering deeper and find a fork in the tunnel with labels for each path in a language they can’t read. they magically comprehend it, and one side says “bad luck” and the other says “worse luck.” they take the bad luck tunnel, and hear clicking up ahead

“are you guys walking into this cave west side story style? because if so yes but also I’m gonna need to draw a map.”

CRAB

saida: “i’m not saying i have a plan, but I think I have a plan. I’m gonna get two birds stoned at once.”

“these crabs are bad at holding onto those they love. they’re my real self-inserts. “

saida: “if you love someone let them go. if they come back to you, they were probably just in it for the money or something.” sergei: “or they knew they couldn’t do any better.”

they kill, roast, and eat the crabs.

maddela finds a chest with a weird mechanism in an alcove. she fucks up real bad trying to make it work and opens up the floor under most of rhonia’s skeletons, who were searching a pool for any traps. they found one! and died!

saida: “i don’t know if you know very much about things but frozen water hurts to land on.”

we also realized pat the newt was in one of the skeletons that got smashed.

“maybe next time don’t keep all your pets in your other pets.”

rhonia mourns and everyone climbs down towards the next tunnel.

(also, not really relevant, but for some reason there was a lot of music this session. i know i put on groove is in the heart, the jet song from west side story, krabbucket, dancing on the ceiling, and a bagpipe playing taps.)

“the skeletons weren’t employees, they were like interns. disinterred interns.” sergei: “disinterns!”

rhonia: “speaking of yoni’s crotch, i cast animate dead!”

they head down the tunnel, and a few of the party members have unusual nightmares. one of them is rhonia, who, when the gang wakes up, is not in their rope trick.

[glorywaited]

CHARACTER AESTHETICS.

BOLD any which apply to your muse! Remember to REPOST! Feel free to add to the list!

[ COLORS ] red. brown. orange. yellow. green. blue. purple. pink. black. white. teal. silver. gold. grey. lilac. metallic. matte. royal blue. strawberry red. charcoal grey. forest green. apple red. navy blue. crimson. cream. mint green. lavender.

[ ELEMENTS ] fire. ice. water. air. earth. rain. snow. wind. moon. stars. sun. heat. cold. steam. frost. lightning. sunlight. moonlight. dawn. dusk. twilight. midnight. sunrise. sunset.dewdrops.

[ BODY ] claws. long fingers. fangs. teeth. wings. tails. lips. bare feet. freckles. bruises.canines. scars. scratches. wounds. burns. spikes. feathers. webs. eyes. hands. sweat. tears. feline. chubby. curvy. short. tall. normal height. muscular. slender. trained. piercing. tattoos. strong. weak.

[ WEAPONS ] fists. sword. dagger. spear. scythe. bow and arrow. hammer. shield. poison. guns. axes. throwing axes. whips. knives. throwing knives. pepper sprays. tasers. machine guns. slingshots. katanas. maces. staffs. wands. powers. magical items. magic. rocks.

[ MATERIALS ] gold. silver. platinum. titanium. diamonds. pearls. rubies. sapphires. emeralds. amethyst. metal. iron. rust. steel. glass. wood. porcelain. paper. wool. fur. lace. leather. silk. velvet. denim. linen. cotton. charcoal. clay. stone. asphalt. brick. marble.dust.glitter. blood. dirt. mud. smoke. ash. shadow. carbonate. rubber. synthetics.

[ NATURE ] grass. leaves. trees. bark. roses. daisies. tulips. lavender. petals. thorns. seeds. hay. sand. rocks. roots. flowers. ocean. river. meadow. forest. desert. tundra. savanna. rain forest. caves. underwater. coral reef. beach. waves. space. clouds. mountains.

[ ANIMALS ] lions. wolves. black panther. eagles. owls. falcons. hawks. swans. snakes. turtles. ducks. bugs. spiders. birds. whales. dolphins. fish. sharks. horses. cats. dogs.bunnies. praying mantises. crows. ravens. mice. lizards. werewolves. unicorns. pegasus.dragons. foxes.

[ FOODS/DRINKS ] sugar. salt. candy. bubblegum. wine. champagne. hard liquor. beer. coffee. tea. spices. herbs. apple. orange. lemon. cherry. strawberry. watermelon. vegetables.fruits. meat. fish. pies. desserts. chocolate. cream. caramel. berries. nuts.cinnamon. burgers. burritos. pizza.

[ HOBBIES ] music. art. watercolors. gardening. smithing. sculpting.painting. sketching. fighting. fencing. riding. writing. composing. cooking. sewing. training.dancing. acting. singing. martial arts. self-defense. electronics. technology. cameras. video cameras. video games. computer. phone. movies. theater. libraries. books.magazines. CDs. records. vinyls. cassettes. piano. violin. cello. guitar. electronic guitar. bass guitar. harmonica. harp.woodwinds. brass. trumpet. flute. drums. bells. playing cards. poker chips. chess. dice. motorcycle riding. eating. climbing. running.

[ STYLE ] lingerie. armor. cape. dress. suit. tunic. vest. shirt. boots.heels. leggings. trousers. jeans. skirt. jewelry. earrings. necklace. bracelet. ring. pendant. hat. crown.circlet. helmet. scarf. necktie. brocade. cloaks. corsets. doublet. chest plate.gorget. bracers. belt. sash. coat. jacket. hood. gloves. socks. masks. cowls. braces. watches. glasses. sunglasses. visor. eye contacts. makeup.

[ MISC ] balloons. bubbles. cityscape. landscape. light. dark. candles.war.peace.money.power. percussion. clocks. photos. mirrors. pets. diary. fairy lights.madness.sanity.sadness. happiness. optimism. pessimism. loneliness. family.friends.assistants. co-workers. enemies. loyalty. smoking. drugs. kindness. love. hugs.

tagged by: was gay did crime tagging: pls also be gay n do crime uwu

[floggingink]

bitch I bet you thought I’d forgotten about Riverdale, “Chapter Thirty-Seven: Fortune and Men’s Eyes”

I absolutely agree with Archie’s wild careening off the side of the road of justice to plead guilty to a crime he “may as well have” committed. I couldn’t believe Archie was so preposterously on the money about himself: “I didn’t kill anyone, but I could have.” GOOD, ARCHIE. I love Juvie Archie. better than Fascist Archie!!!!

I didn’t google “prison powder” to see if that shit’s soap or for lice or what but y’all’ll fill me in on that won’t you

“Leopold and Loeb” is just the level of allusory on-brand naming hubris I demand

“Captain Golightly” doesn’t seem to be a reference to anything other than a brutal dichotomy between whimsy and a dictatorial prison state

you know they hit us up with that Pop’s lighting not even at Pop’s! I never met a window I didn’t want to have bathe me in God’s light!

Sixth period is Intro to Film: the cross stitch quote on the warden’s wall, which I assume dude’s wife made for him because he and she adhere to traditional gender roles, is of course from Sonnet 29, referenced in the title to a play and 70’s movie very much about sexual slavery in prison (Archie has not seen it)

Day One at Juvie Coif: very good, uplifted, touchable but held fast

they really did the line-up of the Hot Dads of Riverdale right there: Tom seems to be eating pancakes and bacon, and FP is wearing a scarf like a headband but like a necklace

Fred’s flannel is an interesting mix of colors like, for a flannel, and Veronica appears to be wearing subtle yellow eyeshadow to go with her waitress dress

when were we going to hear about the three perjuring thugs? who corroborated Archie’s false confession???? cold

“Shadow County” is the third county in “Riverdale State”

The Blossom spawn: Dr. Patel seems to be the Cooper family GP with specialities in both obstetrics and neurology; Betty is still wearing her hospital bracelet

I never noticed the teensy blackboard under Alice’s kitchen cabinets; the Coopers are truly peak bourgeois chic

Polly’s itty bitty lace headband is good and the Farm has done wonders for her and Alice’s accessory game

Betty’s body language at “Uh...because I saw you and mom throw the twins on a fucking fire” is very funny (Betty has not told a joke yet)

Dilton Doiley is a canonically great dancer: RIP!!!!!!

I want to get out of the way that for some reason Jughead looks really good throughout this episode. I can’t explain why, maybe it’s because he’s finally wearing plaid again, but he looks good. if you thought he looked good in the first place, he’s back

is Betty wearing her Carrie: the Musical outfit?

last week I misheard Dilton and thought he said “Cardinal King,” and I was like, What? and then it got even better

Places Bughead are Fucking: the Blue & Gold office

Archie > Dawson: God bless Archie but he does try to be personable with Mad Dog right away, unleashing one of his legendary “bros.” how old were you when you realized you couldn’t do a pull-up? I’ve never done a pull-up in my goddamn life and certainly not to a vinyl of a piano sonata

Mad Dog (I just wrote “God,” because I guess he’s that beautiful) has approximately 100 cigarettes, which he certainly does not smoke, so he is hoarding them for some grand purpose?

when Mad Dog turned around I swear I saw muscles I didn’t know the human body possessed. I’m talking fresh-out-of-the-science-tube Steve Rogers

Fwoopy hair is the best hair: Mad Dog’s impeccably maintained fade

The 2001 Josie and the Pussycats movie was a masterpiece: Josie has the right attitude about LBJ and Vietnam, except I think JFK got us into Vietnam, but then the Gulf of Tonkin was LBJ. I don’t want to google the Vietnam War. look, McNamara is a war criminal

Cheryl’s sheaths: I wish I had the energy to coordinate my bras with the rest of my aesthetic like Josie, in a leopard print, and Cheryl, in red lace. I will say I have recently discovered unlined bras and they have changed me for the better

do you think Archie + varsity football + theater extracurriculars = Cheryl + student body president + 4.0 GPA + theater extracurriculars?

Serpent with the General-style opthalmic frames and low-rise Chucks intrigues me

Joaquin does Archie so bad!!!!!!! even after he got the fucking tattoo, damn!

Sexy, aesthetic Southside: Joaquin’s eyes are so crystal clear that I don’t think they have a color of their own. he’s wearing the optional grey shirt, so they look grey; if he wore the optional navy shirt (I can’t yet tell a difference in status) they would look blue

oh god, what is that Ghoulie doing at the fucking fence? is he slicing his fingertips for fun? what the fuck, the Ghoulies are so fucking bizarre

Archie calls Joaquin “bro” which means he is fucking serious

we all need to take a moment to ourselves to truly absorb the skull of Dr. Curdle’s son, who is also a corrupt coroner (his name tag says “Dr. Curdle Jr”). of the three most alien skulls so far, this is the most take-abacking (I HAVE seen every episode and my calculations are sound)

he’s really gonna let Dilton (RIP!!!!!) have his arm hang down off the table like that, in this, his final repose? cold

the almost ironic intonation of “signs….of stress….” as he pulls the sheet down is amazingly 50’s horror movie

“Runic, I’d say.”

mmmmmmmmmm Fresh-Aid! I listened to the Jonestown tape in an episode of Last Podcast and was well disturbed!!!!!

you tell me why Jughead is using the camera he used in the pilot instead of like, his phone camera: because Jughead?

because Jughead

Places Bughead are Fucking: coroner’s Office

I want one of these L & L shirts. I would prefer the navy version with the little sleeves

excuse me but one of these Ghoulies has an absolute 2008 sidebang

I’m writing a scene where it’s gay.: “DON’T TOUCH HIS FACE”

Veronica’s flower sweater

BEN BUTTON

Betty’s 70’s-collared Piet Mondrian shirt is super cute, although a white-backed women’s shirt with that thin Forever 21 fabric always fucks you if you have to wear a bra

the actress who plays Evelyn Evernever is named Zoé de Grand Maison and honestly I don’t know who has the better name

DOES KEVIN STILL WANT TO LOSE HIS VIRGINITY BY HALLOWEEN

if homecoming is in September or October, the schedule should be roughly 1) Archie gets out of juvie, followed by 2) Kevin loses his virginity with Moose

Gay.: Kevin’s kiss is VERY good and quite bold! for a hallway, and Moose’s twangy hair is nice

at my high school, everyone just said “rot-see” for ROTC, so surely these hip kids wouldn’t go around saying R-R-O-T-C like that, UNREALISTIC, RIVERDALE

the extremely tall gothy Vixen is even taller than the extremely tall Ghoulie and I would like to take her to homecoming

Summer + Blair = Veronica: “You’re acting like trash, and I don’t want to get a citation.”

what the hell does student body president even do? to the extent I can even recall our student body president, whose name I believe was Lauren, I think she read the afternoon announcements

Ben WAS the kid Kevin ordered that hot dog from during the James Dean closing night! (I’m not double-checking)

Ben WAS the kid Miss Grundy was ~grooming~ when she got merked!

Ben’s mom is such a boring white mom lady that she’s wearing a denim button-down with but a single flower appliqué

YOU KNOW I LOVED THAT BLAIR WITCH TWIG BABY

Officer Henderson WAS the cop who found the “HL” briefcase at the dead Serpent’s hotel room!

I looked into what starting a chapter of the Innocence Project entails for a “couple of minutes.” I assume Veronica is going to go with option one: nonprofit organization, “independently incorporated” with “its own governing board” and fundraising, as I would doubt Riverdale has a local law school or much of a public defender’s office, you know what I’m saying?

What damn high school in America: Veronica is wearing some high-waisted black slacks and quite the polka dot top, which may in fact simply be a bustier. I imagine Principal Weatherbee has battled so many times over the years with Cheryl, who is constantly toeing the line of what a 16-year-old can legally wear, that he has since given up entirely

Jughead crawling over the back of the couch and dangling the totem baby is such a throwback to Jughead crawling over the back of the diner booth and eating the whipped cream cherry that now they are simply teasing me with the grandeur of times gone by, like an Andy Williams Christmas song thrown up on 101.9 KINK

Ethel has on some sort of wicked pin but it’s not in focus!

Betty’s top is very cute, structured

everyone has their own “Yeah, I guess” face at “Dilton Doiley [RIP!!!!!!!] has a secret bunker in the woods?”

Jughead cooly threatens Ethel with quote-unquote telling the police; this of course calls back to Jughead threatening Dilton (RIP!!!!!) in the third episode with Sheriff Keller, but let me ask you this: if Betty & Jughead DID take Ethel to the sheriff, would Sheriff Minetta give a flying fuck? doesn’t he answer directly to Hiram on all things Jughead at this point? could Betty and Jughead POSSIBLY still imagine the cops will heed anything they bring them?

Sheriff Minetta: Jughead Jones now seems to be under the impression that a band of Riverdale High juniors are in an underground RPG cult that has led to a double-suicide

Hiram: Thank God

something about Jughead’s teensy Yes’m head nod is just enough like a chivalrous bow that I have thus taken the time to note how cute it is

Day Two Juvie Coif: visibly succumbing to stress, but with dignity; starting to feather

I don’t know anything about sneakers but I like Mad Dog’s hightops

the cinematography in Archie’s cell is great. I especially like the panning around Archie when he’s not even moving, just listening to Mad Dog talking about, “The moment you set foot in here,” etc.

Mädchen Amick, MÄDCHEN AMICK: FP AND ALICE BOOOOOIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!! missing is the implied scene where Alice called FP to “get over here” so they can “talk to our kids” “together”

50 Shades of Betty: Betty tries hard to communicate with only her left eyebrow, fails

am I imagining a callback to Alice assuming Jughead was the one who railroaded Betty into looking at Jason Blossom? Alice’s stance on Jughead is too exhausting to track

Alice is certainly wearing a sheer floral peasant blouse she would NOT have worn the previous two seasons, SUSPICIOUS

Places Bughead are Not Fucking: Betty’s room

Gay?!: Archie’s incredulous delight at Reggie having helped picked out his RHS-themed sneakers; the Bulldogs are all about that #threestripelife

Veronica was rich: “FRESH KICKS”

Moose is apparently a “straight beast,” if you will

one of these Serpents is holding two playing cards, just chilling and holding two playing cards. I hope his prison name is like SNAKE EYES or THE JOKER

that Ghoulie dude is so striking and elongated, I swear to God he looks like John Travolta in Grease. that undercut, the well-oiled curls on top? can he be Josie’s fall fling?

God bless jingle-jangle: can you DROP OUT of fourth grade? doesn’t the state come for you, what the fuck?

I unironically love Archie’s plan. I fucking love it

“YOU’VE NEVER KNOWN THE EPIC HIGHS AND LOWS”—ARCHIE—YOU’RE A FUCKING SAVANT

I’m looking for other good haircuts in the background. one dude has a solid Wakanda-era Bucky Barnes and there’re slicked up curls aplenty. this juvie is like a candy box

you know this bitch loves a rack focus, especially onto prison wardens

Please protect Betty: “It’s chamomile, Betty. Calm down.”

FREAKISHLY good micromoment of Alice just like wiping away an eyelash or something

aloud, with witnesses, I said “This is like when they first held hands, am I right?” and then Betty said the “kind of reminds me of when we first started dating,” just to prove to you I HAVE seen every episode

Betty calmly checking in with Jughead re: Satan’s Reindeer

he’s most certainly Ethel on stilts (I’m very bad at predicting), but I love the Gargoyle King. he’s just the right mix of she-puts-you-in-the-corner and herky-jerky T-Rex, plus she put paint on him or whatever, in case somebody put a flashlight beam on him? Ethel fucking Muggs or whoever

love the sexy noir diner lighting and I will die loving it

Jughead eats: a toothpick

Day Three Juvie Coif: back at it, flush with victory; firm and wavy

Cheryl’s a chaos angel from hell: I do wish Cheryl were not so permanently a good guy. I wish she wanted to be Student Body President, all of a sudden, so badly that she was trying to keep Archie in juvie so he could never reclaim his throne, like if she were Scar

Kevin’s magenta polo has a subtle wave print

I hope the RROTC is somehow rotting from the inside, like the Adventure Scouts or Aquaholics

The female gaze: Archie’s cranking out push-ups and Mad Dog is doing tricep dips to warm up, for the game and “other business,” respectively. sometimes I like to do tricep dips too, usually for forty-five seconds while I’m waiting for the microwave to reheat my Kraft Thick N’ Creamy

Archie’s “What the hell are you to him?” is maybe his most astute query into something not being right that doesn’t include his remarkable quickness on the uptake of Jughead at the end of season one (I HAVE seen every episode)

These students are legally children: what the fuck did Mad Dog do that he’s been sentenced to like 25 years in prison? he’s a minor for God’s sake. get on this, Veronica

Places Bughead are Fucking: the fucking woods

catch me hightailing it the fuck out of there when Betty and Jughead do anything that even remotely resembles opening a circular hatch to ANYTHING out in a fucking forest clearing and peering down inside. BYE BITCHES YOU’RE ON YOUR OWN!!!!!

someone in the writer’s room at even only one point said the phrase “like in True Detective” while unspooling this yarn

Fifth period is AP English: I have to take Jughead’s word for it that there’re any bunkers in any Philip K. Dick novel

I am STILL salty that the Swords & Serpents thing IS NOT THE SAME THING as THIS RPG and that it was wholly abandoned. I can’t believe we’re not doing Jughead being sucked into the RPG cult and Betty have to haul him out SIMULTANEOUSLY with her mother being sucked into the postpartum cult and having to haul HER out

“He’s also featured prominently on this copper coin.”

y’all can just buy cyanide like that, in that glass growler? it has a “reliable prescription” sticker on it, WTF?

“Drink from the correct cup and ascend to the kingdom” is definitely ripped from one of the tracks on that Avenged Sevenfold album I bought at Borders freshman year

Jughead doubts it: “OR SOMETHING EVEN MORE INSIDIOUS”

I fucking knew that Adventure Scout was gonna be under that fucking cot but it still scared the crap out of me because The Haunting of Hill House exhausted my reserves

I’m going to come out and say that I’ve never cared for Charmed and I’m not watching the reboot. however I am exceedingly ready for Sabrina

“Princess Etheline”

guys, I found the “Jailhouse Rock” dance charming, especially the implication that the boys started the game up again in the middle to like, show off for the girls. am I getting soft in my old age?

Josie’s VERY bright blue eyeshadow

Cheryl’s hair: Cheryl had to have been influenced by the trend started pre-2012 in So You Think You Can Dance wherein dancers with very long hair just leave it down

Hiram…..Archie’s in jail. what else do you want? like, he’s IN JUVIE

am I out of my fucking mind or is Hiram wearing a pin that is PSYCHOTICALLY close to being the Hydra hydra?

Archie overtaking the first few guards with those slow-mo crosses until they finally beat him down by their sheer numbers was basically a scene from Spartacus: War of the Damned

Betty’s bug print is cute while being, subconsciously, slightly unsettling; this is true for Betty as a whole

Ethel’s mustard yellow cotton cardigan has some sort of flower print on its back? COOL

I would like to extend a hearty “fuck off with that for fucking me” to whoever blocked out seizing-Ethel whipping her arm up like that with her jacked hand JUST LIKE IN HEREDITARY. FUCK OFF!, and I mean it

“Damn good coffee”: Evelyn has just the sort of niche superpower I wish I could have: to fuck with other people’s social interactions from a casual remove

Jughead is remarkably polite with 911, much calmer than with the desk nurse after Fangs got shot (I HAVE seen every episode)

(Hereditary was much better than Hill House)

Best costume bit: Monica Posh is hot

Every triangle has three corners, every triangle has three sides: Kevin wants that dick SO BADLY that he has JOINED THE ARMY (or whatever)

how did Pop’s lighting manage to glide all the way over to L&L?

Day Four Juvie Coif: slept on but still truckin’

Archie can only be fucking imagining what is about to happen to him (Archie has definitely seen Fight Club, and Jughead had to explain how it was satire)

Certified pedigree: LEGENDARY SQUAD OF PARENTS!!!!!! Hermione’s getting the band back together à la It

Penelope Blossom has gone full Victorian goth in that floor-length lace Chicago black widow number

“At the mere mention of ‘blue lips,’” Jughead wrote, “a shiver frissoned around the room.”

you can tell Alice is in a hippie cult because not only is she wearing crystals but she has stopped wearing eye makeup (I could never be in this sort of cult because if I don’t smear kohl all over them I look like I have tiny eyes; I am sensitive about this)

I’ve seen Brick like thirty times: the reveal of Ben in the window, bathed in the blue glow of Pop’s diner, was like, ~chills~

“You’ll fly too” is of course also It, which, FUCK OFF

NEXT WEEK: I could be very fucking wrong about this but FP has a tattoo on his left pec that may very well be of a jellybean

[herteardrop]

Incorrect quotes: Batfamily + My favorite vines pt. 1

Dick: Tim, ask me what kind of tree I have.

Tim: No.

Dick: Tim ask me what kind of tree I have.

Tim: No.

Dick: Just- Tim ask me what kind of tree I have

Tim: What kind of tree do you have

Dick: [zoom to Chris Pine picture on top of pine tree] It’s a Chris Pine

Officer: Detective, this is a crime scene!

Batman: [holding 3 tubs of ice-cream] What? Is this the murder weaPON?

Batman: [closes refrigerator door] Get oFF MY DICK!

Stephanie: [doing Yoga] Release all of the sounds that are trapped in your mind~

Jason: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Professor: Alright Ms Brown, your total tuition comes to $22,000

Stephanie: [looking through purse, shaky voice] do you take teAr DrOpS?

Damian: Hey, you have anything to eat?

Jason: I got noodles.

Damian: Ey, you ain’t got no tissue

Jason: I got noodles.

Damian: How are you living?

Jason: [with tears] I’m not

Bruce: Two shots of vodka...

Bruce: [continues to pour the whole bottle]

Barbara: Hey, how much money do you have?

Dick: Uhh, 69 cents

Barbara: Ah, you know what that means~

Dick: [sobbing] i don’t have money for chicken nugget

Bruce: We got work to do-

Jason: [singing] I don’t really wanna do the work todaay I don’t really wanna do the work today I don’t really wanna do my work today I don’t wanna do the work today.

Bruce: What? What’s this?

[The bat boys continue to do a synchronize dance with the same lyrics.]

Civilian, trapped to a bomb in a building: Help! Please! Someone?!

Batman: [jumps and faceplants to the ground]

Civilian: I’m going to die!

[Building explodes.]

Damian: [searches up map of U.S.A]

Damian: So I am confusion.

Damian: Why is this one Kansas? But this one is not Arkansas?

Damian, tapping the screen violently: America exblain! Exblain, what do you mean it Arkansaw?!!

Barbara: Okay go ahead, introduce yourself.

Stephanie: My name is Stephanie with a B, and I’ve been afraid of insects my entire life-

Barbara: Stop stop stop, where?

Stephanie: Hm?

Barbara: Where’s the B?

Stephanie: [scared] TheReS a BeE?

Cassandra: Hi, welcome to Chili’s

Cassandra: [shatters a glass on the floor]

Bruce: There is only one thing worse then a rapist.

Bruce: [reveals another word] Boom.

Jason: A child.

Bruce: No-

Alfred: Alright children, come downstairs I’ve bought Mc’Donalds

Dick: [JUMPS FROM THE CEILING]

Damian: Hurry up, we’re going to be late to school!

Tim: Bruh chill I dunno why you in a Big Time Rush.

Tim: [smiles at the camera]

Fergie: I could whip you up, fix you up, straight away~

Fergie: Coming in the front door, leaving out the backdoor, whip it-

Dick: -i’M GAY

Stephanie: When there’s too much drama at school, all you gotta do is

Stephanie: walk awaa-aa-aay

Tim: So basically what I was thinking of is um-

Jason: [punch]

Tim: Oh fuck! I can’t believe you’ve done this.

[insightfulmagician]

if possible can i ask for goodfellas for that ship ask meme thing

YESSSSS. OCs ARE WELCOME AND ENCOURAGED. FOR THE PEOPLE WHO DON’T KNOW THEM, THEY CAN BE FOUND HERE.

(For clarification, George Costello is an OC originally made for Danganronpa, that’s also a bit of a side character in an original fiction I’m making as a tabletop, Children’s Crusade, Masichuvio being a main character.)

Who’s the first to wake up in the morning:

George, for sure. His line of work pretty much destroys any notion of a circadian rhythm and he can get up whenever. Masichuvio, on the other hand, I kinda headcanon sleeping like a fucking log. Because while healing is the most emotionally exhausting role, tanking is the most physically exhausting.

Who’s the one to make breakfast:

George as well! Growing up in an orphanage, he’s learned to cook a whole bunch of food in one skillet for a bunch of people at once, fried potatoes being a must. Though he’d definitely be willing to try anything Masichuvio wanted to whip up for him.

Who’s the one to serve the other breakfast in bed:

Maybe both? George would be the more frequent offender, but if there’s a rare day where he sleeps in and Masi wakes up later, I think he’d take the opportunity to turn the tables.

Who would suggest a quickie in the morning before work:

……… George.

Who suggests they both ditch work to lay around all day:

Both! Since both of them have pretty violent and stressful jobs, I think they take turns dragging the other away when they look like it’s hitting them too deep.

Who chooses the movies:

Masichuvio. George can find enjoyment from the most god-awful movies, so he goes with what his boyfriend wants.

Who initiates kissing during the moving, thus distracting the other from the movie all together:

……. Both. But it’s George’s fault for sitting in his lap most of the time.

Who orders lunch:

Masi. George will go into a carb coma if he’s left unchecked by a sibling or s/o.

Who steals food from the other’s plate without asking:

I don’t think either of them would do this, but if Masichuvio was drinking a milkshake, George would definitely yeet a straw in that shit and make it gay as soon as he finds one.

Who curls up next to the other and falls asleep due to a full tummy:

Yes.

Who distracts the other from trying to work at home:

Masichuvio, since he doesn’t work at home often. He doesn’t feel very guilty about it, considering it’s work for a crime syndicate.

Who asks to go get ice cream like a five year old:

George.

Who takes pictures of their partner eating ice cream:

… I could see Masichuvio saving that as a lockscreen.

Who makes a sexual joke about the dripping ice cream on their partner’s face:

…… George. He doesn’t make a joke after the first time, but he always grins and snickers, and Masi knows exactly why.

Who cooks dinner:

I think they’d work together for lunch and dinner.

Who cleans up the kitchen afterwards:

Yeah, I think they’d help each other with dishes too, even for breakfast.

Who stays up until 2 reading:

Masichuvio; either leisurely or for work.

Who stares at their partner while their sleeping:

BOTH.

Who kisses their partner while they sleep:

George would definitely, like. Ask if that’s okay first, and stick with cheek kisses just out of caution. But if it happens long enough, I could see Masichuvio exacting some revenge.

[mchenryjd]

2017 in Review

Necessarily incomplete, mostly for my personal record. I will probably regret this.

MOVIES

10.  mother!

Got to a screening late, had to sit in the third show, could barely tell what was happening and spent most of the movie staring at J. Law’s flared nostrils. An ideal viewing experience.

9.     Personal Shopper

Nothing captures the purposeful emptiness of spending time online like Kristen Stewart texting a ghost.

8.     Get Out

I kept telling my dad this movie was funny to get him to see it, not realizing he didn’t already know it was a horror movie. Afterwards, he texted me, “that was not a comedy!” Feels like that’s enough a metaphor. Daniel Kaluuya for best actor.

7.     Star Wars: The Last Jedi

A Star Wars movie about loving Star Wars movies, which means loving the epic, silly struggle between good and epic, loving the spiral staircase that is John Williams’s force theme, loving it when character always do the coolest possible thing followed by the next coolest possible thing, loving dumb furry creatures and sarcastic slimy ones, loving it when characters kiss when you want them to kiss, loving the hundred-million-dollar sandbox of it all. After the constricted dance steps of The Force Awakens and Rogue One, give me this bleeding freestyle any day.

6.     Phantom Thread

Finally, proof that everyone in a serious relationship has lost it.

5.     Call Me By Your Name

I refuse to believe that being stuck in rural Italy would be anything other than deadly boring and if my father insisted on turning everything into a lecture on classical art, I would run away. Also, there’s a contrast between the book (vague on the details of place and time, vividly specific on matters of sex) and the film (more contextually specific, sexier, but less horny than the original). Also, who am I kidding, I was moved and unsettled by the force of the thing. *Michael Stuhlbarg voice* Pray you get a chance to fall in love like this.

4.     Dunkirk

Having your tense, churning, clanking, thrumming, score transform into Elgar right when the beautiful, imperiled young heroes are reading a stirring speech (and Tom Hardy is heroically sacrificing himself in what looks like the middle of a Turner painting) is a level of craft so deft if feels like cheating, but it works.

3.     BPM

A film about a community in danger that acts as both a memorial to and rallying cry for that community. Uncompromising, accommodating, queer in the best way, BPM makes you want to cry and go dancing at the same time.

2.     Columbus

The kind of movie that makes you want to get in a car and keep driving until you find something beautiful, it has stuck and expanded in my memory ever since I saw it over the summer. Like the architecture that looms large in the setting, the plot can feel uncomfortably schematic – John Cho wants to leave and gets  stuck, Haley Lu Richardson is stuck and gets to leave. The question is how people live within, and blur the edges of, those confines. John Cho has a winning, curdled decency; Haley Lu Richardson gives the hardest kind of performance, in that she often seems unaware of her character’s own wants. I’d watch her quietly assemble dinner for hours on end.

1.     Lady Bird  

A movie that feels less plotted and more prefigured – every fight between Lady Bird has happened before, every high school landmark lumbers by with inevitability, every boy disappoints in the way you expect. What redeems all this? Paying attention, which is also love, in this movie’s pseudo-religious sense. Between Lady Bird and Marion, between Lady Bird and Julie, between Lady Bird and Sacramento. Watch people closely, as Greta Gerwig does, and they reveal glimmers of themselves (I know so little, and yet everything, about Stephen McKinley Henderson’s drama teacher from a few moments that feel perfect, in the sense of contained, past-tense completeness). It’ll all so ordinary. Fall in love with it.

Honorable mentions: Regina Hall’s speech about friendship in Girls Trip, Sally Hawkins tracing a droplet with her finger in The Shape of Water, Meryl Streep on the phone in The Post, Cara Delevingne in Valerian, Rihanna in Valerian, the part where the ghost jumped off the building in A Ghost Story, the fact that Power Rangers was surprisingly good, the soldier who gasps as Diana whips out her hair in the trenches in Wonder Woman, Ansel Elgort’s jacket in Baby Driver, whenever anyone tried to explain anything in Alien: Covenant, Elisabeth Moss in The Square, Anh Seo-hyun feeding Okja in Okja, Lois Smith being in movies, the kids eating ice cream in The Florida Project, the Game of Thrones joke in Logan Lucky, Vella Lovell in The Big Sick, and finally, most preciously, the moment in Home Again where Reese Witherspoon kissed Michael Sheen and someone in my theater shouted “she’s not feeling it!”

TELEVISION

10.  The Good Doctor

Listen, he’s a good doctor.

9.     Riverdale

They’re hot. They’re angsty. They do drugs that look like Pixy-Stix. They never seem to do homework. They love to hook-up in weird locations. They have terrible taste in karaoke songs. They love hair dye, and a well-defined eyebrow. They have really hot parents. They’re TV teens! I love it.

8.     Insecure

This is just to say that I am far too invested in Molly’s happiness as a person. I would also like to view a full season of Due North.

7.     American Vandal

From Alex Trimboli to Christa Carlyle, the best names on TV are on this show. Also the best reenactments, and somehow the most incisive take on what fuels, and results from TV’s true-crime obsession. Jimmy Tatro mumbling!

6.     Crazy Ex-Girlfriend

More shows should take the opportunity to explode in their third seasons, rocket forward at full speed, diagnose their main characters, and give Josh Groban wonderful, unexplainable cameos.

5.     Alias Grace

A show that conjured a performance for the ages out of Sarah Gadon and somehow made Zachary Levi palatable as a dramatic actor, this miracle of collaboration between Mary Harron and Sarah Polley is all the better for being binged. Down it in an afternoon, think of Grace under her black veil, daring you to disbelieve her, for years to come.

4.     Twin Peaks: The Return

A show that drove nostalgia into itself like a knife to the chest. Totally absurd. The best revival/exorcism yet on TV.

3.     Please Like Me

“Sorry about your life.” “I’m sorry about your life.” In a time when things tend to peter out, what a final season, in which everything goes to shit and then some. Maybe TV’s most prickly comedy, Please Like Me’s heart is of the “stumble along and keep going” sort and never does it test itself as much as it did with this bleak, pastel final statement.

2.     The Leftovers

Do you believe Nora Durst’s story? Sometimes I do. Sometimes I think it sounds ridiculous. Sometimes I relax in the comfortable, academic premise that it only matters that Kevin does. It’s a haunting idea, though, this image of world even emptier than The Leftovers’s own, where it’s possible to wander for untold time in darkness. Carrie Coon’s description of it is a kind of journey to the underworld – we’re there with her, maybe, and then we make it back, maybe. The trick of The Leftovers is the wound’s never fully healed.

1.     Halt and Catch Fire

The world changes. People sorta don’t.

Honorable mentions: the twist in The Good Place, the Taylor Swift demon character in Neo Yokio, Claire Foy on The Crown, Vanessa Kirby on The Crown, the stand-up in The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, Cristin Milioti in Black Mirror, the televised Academy Awards ceremony, the weeks when Netflix didn’t release new TV shows I had to watch, Girls’s “American Bitch,” the fact that Adam Driver is both in Girls and Star Wars, Keri Russell and Matthew Rhys performances on The Americans (and life in Brooklyn), the moments in Game of Thrones that were good enough to make me stop thinking about what people would write about Game of Thrones, season 2 of The Magicians’s resistance to any sort of plot logic, Jane the Virgin’s narrator, Nicole Kidman at therapy on Big Little Lies, Reese Witherspoon’s production of Avenue Q in Big Little Lies, Alexis Bledel holding things in The Handmaid’s Tale, Maggie Gyllenhaal directing porn in The Deuce, Alison Brie’s terrible Russian accent in Glow, Maya Rudolph in Big Mouth, Cush Jumbo miming oral sex with a pen in court in The Good Fight, the calming experience of watching new episodes of Superstore and Great News on Fridays, Eden Sher in The Middle, the fake books they make up for Younger, and Rihanna livestreaming herself watching Bates Motel.

THEATER

10.  Indecent

History, identity, community all mangled together in something that’s both excavation and revivification. I’m so mad I didn’t get to see it with my mom.

9.     Mary Jane

A nightmare that goes from bad to worse, which Carrie Coon performed with the endurance of a saint.

8.     SpongeBob SquarePants

Highlights: The tap number, the Fiddler on the Roof joke, the many uses of pool noodles, David Zinn’s design in general, the arms, the volcano setpiece, the fact that somehow I kept laughing for two-and-a-half hours at something SpongeBob SquarePants. Tina Landau, you’re a hero.

7.     Hello, Dolly!

I had a wonderful viewing experience like this, in that I sat alone on an aisle next to an older gay man who turned to me right when the curtain came down on the first act and said, “man, we love Bette.” (Shout out to any and all gags involving the whale.)

6.     Groundhog Day

Proof you can dig deeper into the material you’re adapting and still find more. Sometimes, the funniest gags come out of old-fashioned repetition. Andy Karl has the Rolex-like ability to make it all speed by without revealing any of the ticks, and then wallop you in the second act.  

5.     The Glass Menagerie

A lot of unconventional ideas piled onto each other that go so far into strange territory that they loop back around to being immediate. Maybe distant to some, but enough to unsettle me. I can still smell the onstage rain.

4.     The Wolves

A sign of a good play is probably that you remain invested in the characters long after you see it, and I’m going to spend so much time worrying about all the girls on the soccer team in The Wolves for the rest of my life.

3.     The Band’s Visit

Katrina Lenk has a gorgeous voice. Tony Shalhoub is restrained to the point that he could move his baton with nanometer accuracy. The songs are transporting. But most of all, The Band’s Visit manages to capture loneliness better than nearly any musical I’ve seen. Everyone, audience included, experiences something together, and then it all, slowly, both lingers and drifts apart.

2.     A Doll’s House, Part 2

What, you think I wasn’t going to include a play with a Laurie Metcalf performance? ADHP2 is perhaps clever to a fault in its set-up, but in the right hands, it turns into something both funny and moving – a story about what it takes to become a complete person, in or outside the influence of other people. Nora’s monologue about living in silence near the end is the full of the kind of simple statements that are so hard to act, and so brilliant when done just right.

1.     The Antipodes

Both an extended meditation on what it means to run out of stories and a brutal subtweet of Los Angeles, The Antipodes is my kind of play, in that it’s mostly people talking, Josh Charles is involved and very disgruntled, and everyone eats a lot of take out.

Honorable mentions: the music in Sunday in the Park With George, the pies in Sweeney Todd, the ensemble of Come From Away, seeing Dave Malloy in The Great Comet of 1812, Alex Newell’s “Mama Will Provide” in Once on This Island, Cate Blanchet having fun in The Present, Imelda Staunton in the NTLive Follies, Michael Urie in Torch Song, Patti LuPone’s accent(s) in War Paint, Ashley Park in KPOP, and Gleb.