#bc this happened a few months ago and she was in the hospital for a few days

[martyrlamb]

✶ when the clock strikes / leon kennedy

pairing: leon kennedy x gn!reader

summary: you’re starting to think a certain agent might be faking his injuries to see you.

tags: sfw, pure fluff, a bit of angst as a treat, love at first sight basically, silly workplace love story, nurse!reader, 1 year post re4r!leon, no use of y/n, extremely mildly passively suggestive, leon takes his shirt off twice (woohoo!), kissing, swearing, leon is awkward as hell, you are too though so it’s okay, description of bruises, cuts and a muscle knot (not detailed), medical talk, slight mention of gore and blood, reader has a backstory, reader has a mother.

note: i blinked and suddenly there were 8k words in my doc idek how that happened. im actually so nervous to post because this is my first one shot ever!! my cherry has been popped… but also apologies if things are kind of all over the place bc im still trying to get the swing of it all. trying to write in the present tense was like being beat over the head repeatedly so im sure theres many grammatical mistakes in that department

word count: 8.5k (got possessed sorry)

Everyone thought you were crazy when you accepted the offer. 

It is crazy—but you aren’t stupid. You knew what you were getting into a long time ago as a nurse; people get hurt, and then you save them. Clockwork.

Years ago, you started studying to be a nurse in some middle of nowhere midwestern school. You remembered the rolling hills and the ungodly heavy blankets of snow that fell during the winter months, the fallen leaves that the snow covered. It was all so peaceful for a while… until the outbreak.

You never saw it coming, no one did, really. At least, you hope no one predicted the atrocities that were about to be witnessed by thousands of innocents without warning.

Gnashing teeth and hands with dried blood that streaked down arms like veins plagued the memory of that point in your life. It was surreal to believe that you got up that morning and made your breakfast like any other day, you slid your shoes on and grabbed your keys, and then your foot hit the front porch and the trajectory of your life changed permanently. 

The virus started as a woman with red-ringed eyes and pallid skin that reflected off of the blinding overhead lights—she looked visibly ill. That’s all that mattered at the time. You were actually the one who situated her and her husband in their room, he smiled at you and thanked you for your time and you scribbled down notes before hanging the clipboard and leaving the room for the doctor. The screeching horror music plays when you get to this part of the memory.

A type of calm before the storm. You hold your breath every time.

A few hours later people started screaming, and someone—something ran out of that room and wrenched its grip on the first person it saw. Blue scrubs dyed a nasty crimson, like crushed raspberries on cloth. The next part is a blur of running, watching your coworkers die, and using your medical expertise to help anyone who needed it. People were hurt. You saved them.

Like you said, clockwork. You try not to think about it too hard.

By the time help came, you had cramped a large handful of survivors—albeit, injured survivors—into a small house that was a mile or two from the hospital. Your quick thinking protected many people that day, and your skills were recognized.

A week prior, you were a simple nursing student who was lucky enough to be placed in a hospital, and by the next Sunday, you were being offered a position as a medic with the Anti-Umbrella Pursuit and Investigation Team. You finished your schooling, you got your specialized training, and now you’re on your way to your first assignment out of the country.

So, granted, maybe you are a little crazy for accepting such a prestigious and dangerous position after your humble beginnings. Your mother never ceases to remind you of this, with what little information you were allowed to tell her.

Iceland? she said, pulling her lips into a line. Are you crazy?

You begin to think that you are now that you stand in front of the base, arms tucked around yourself and teeth chattering as a sergeant points you around like one of his troops. Between the hustle and bustle of agents hurrying around and the amount of civilians sitting beneath the large, brown medical tent, you understand why they needed all the help they could get.

Things in Iceland were bad apparently; Umbrella thought the remote location would protect what little was left of them, and their research, from being exposed. Unfortunately for them, (and fortunately for everyone else) the AUPIT caught wind of what was happening and vowed to put a stop to it. You, freshly out of training, were sent to help with the sudden influx of displaced non-combatants and wounded agents.

Within the hour of the helicopter landing, you settle in and pull your cold weather scrubs on. 

There aren’t many other nurses—only two—and neither of them seem to be very fond of you. The head nurse is older and straight-laced, following procedure, not mingling with you unless she has to. You don’t think you’re ever going to be put on a shift with the other nurse, but they spare you a few ireful glances. It’s  like they could smell the fresh blood, and the scent made them turn their noses.

Nonetheless, you weren’t there to socialize, so you rolled up your sleeves and did your job, trying to ignore the passive aggressive looks being thrown at you from left and right. This kind of mutual ignorance worked for about three days, until you were placed on the night shift… every single night. 

Before you came along, it was determined that the night shift could be manned by one person, as injured civilians were sent to the safehouses by nightfall and nearly all of the agents were either out on work or taking a much needed rest. There was no reason for both nurses to be awake when one could conserve their energy and rest while the other worked. So, most nights you spent alone, sitting by the fire in the back of the tent as you waited for the sun to come up.

One of those nights crept up on you again. You bounce your foot against the ground until your ankle aches, sitting in a lawn chair next to the fire with a wool blanket draped over your shoulders. Nothing chirps in the distance like the environment you’re used to, the only noises that float through the air are the wind rustling bare-armed bushes and your own breathing. There was a rip in the tent whistling, too, but you’d be damned if you let the incessant noise drive you insane. You were scared of the eerie silence for the first few days, but that quickly became replaced by the complete boredom that followed it.

You blow a raspberry as you spin a pen in your ungloved hand, fingers numb and stretched stiff with cold. I’ve ought to ask someone for a book, you thought to yourself, or a new job. You immediately push the second contemplation out of your head like it was something dirty and sat up a little straighter; your annoyance made sense, but this is what you wanted to do with your life. You want to help people in need.

Not that there were many people around.

In the distance, like divine intervention, you hear the crackle of wheels against snow, and a black mini-van rolls to a stop in front of the tent. A scuffle inside ensues for a moment, then the doors open and a man comes hobbling into the shelter with his arm over another man’s shoulder. 

You nearly fall out of your seat with how fast you stand up and stride over to the men, assisting the injured one onto a cot. 

“What happened?” you ask, pushing a cart of equipment to his bedside.

The uninjured one remarks from beside you, “Some snow gave way and he went down this hill with some pretty nasty bushes at the bottom.” His voice is quick and clicky. He looks young.

Clearly, they’re two agents, judging by the leather holsters strapped around their waists and shoulders. You purse your lips and place a lantern on the cart, gently inspecting the injured agent. There’s thorns lodged along the entirety of his left side, looking a bit like a child’s crude attempt at art with toothpicks and styrofoam.

He grunts when you gently lift his arm to check underneath, and you mutter an apology before you turn to the other agent. “I can take this from here.”

The agent nods and spins on his heel, disappearing into the darkness once he stepped out into the open air. 

You turn your attention towards the man in front of you and pull on a pair of gloves, the latex makes a sharp snapping noise when you let go. His intense gaze follows your movements with great intrigue—or suspicion… you couldn’t really tell. You pick up a pair of tweezers and set them on the cart. You also finally got a good look at the wounded agent.

Blue eyes that strike down what little defenses you have and brows that spend their time permanently creased, almost erasing the space between them while he inspects you. His ability to make you feel thoroughly grilled with a simple fixated stare would have made you squirm years prior, but now you merely stare back with your eyebrows lifted. The blonde—possibly light brown haired, the darkness didn’t give much way in the form of colour—man averts his eyes first, as if he is caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

You’d be lying if you said he wasn’t attractive, but that’s not your focus right now.

“How are you feeling?” you ask, flicking on a flashlight to check his pupils. Healthy, good. He squints at you through the beam.

“Like I fell into a thorn bush.”

Looks like someone feels funny. You deadpan at him, unamused with the sarcasm while you try to help. Your expression beckons a better answer and he backpedals.

The man’s head bobs subtly, like a scale in his mind is weighing his thoughts on either side, and then he says, “I’m just fine.”

“Are you dizzy? Nauseous?”

“Fine.”

“Okay,” you reply, blowing out a not-so-inconspicuous huff of annoyed air that swirls above you in the cold. The agent raises his brow at your reaction but doesn’t seem too keen on speaking on it. “I’ll try to be as gentle as I can, but it’s going to be a lot of poking and prodding.”

He lets out another grunt that could have possibly been an Mhm… but you aren’t sure. You hold the tweezers between your fingers and begin to pluck them out, placing them on the metal pan on your cart. Clink, clink, clink. They fall from the tweezers with tiny noises.

To your surprise, he doesn’t writhe or make much noise, only occasional grunts and sighs and Shit’s under his breath when you pull at particularly deep thorns lodged in his arm. 

Even for an agent, his arms are an impressive size, which means a lot more surface area to extract from. Not that you really mind, as you would have helped him either way, but surely you would feel differently if you were in his shoes.

However, the silence is… awkward; sitting there with your face inches from his huge arms—he could definitely feel your breath fan across the surface with how his skin dances with warmth and goosebumps and you do not want the attractive agent to focus on that. So, you break it with a question.

“You weren’t wearing a jacket?” A valid query, all things considered.

He blinks at you like it was obvious. “It came off.”

“Oh,” is all you say until you extract the last thorn from his arm and begin to slide the leather shoulder holster off of him. “I just need to take this off.”

He frowns slightly, and you realize his brows had been furrowed this whole time because that was all his face seemed to know how to do. When his expression changes, you stop.

“What are you doing?” he asks.

“Taking it off so I can look under your sleeve.”

“Why?”

“You could’ve pulled something and I need to bandage you,” you pause. “Is that okay?”

Maybe you wrongly assumed that he had done this a million times. Don’t get you wrong, you know how resilient agents had to be and how good they were at their jobs, so it isn’t like you thought he got hurt often… But with a short glance into his eyes, you could tell he’s a hardened delegate with years of experience under his belt. Wasn’t he bound to need help occasionally?

The man gives you a slight nod and shrugs off the holster; it falls to the bed with a soft thud from the weight of the knife tucked into the leather. 

His muscles tense under your fingers when you roll the black sleeve over his shoulder. The feathered, pale edge of a bullet scar peeks out from beneath the dark clothing and it makes you wonder how he managed to get it. A mission? Probably. It looks old. You’ve seen scars of all kinds at that point, and each of them held a story that ended in pierced flesh. 

They remind you that they will never not be where they came from—your own scars will never not be where they came from. You shake the thought out like a stubborn rock in your shoe.

“Lucky you, it doesn’t look like you pulled anything in your shoulder,” you comment under your breath.

“If this is luck, I’d like to see what happens when I get unlucky.” For the first time, there’s humor in his tone—so faint you nearly miss it, but it makes you chuckle. When he isn’t huffing out responses, his voice almost sounds kind.

You rotate his shoulder slowly and inspect the length of his side, finding fewer thorns than the amount anchored in his arm. Still, your lips press into a line, pitying the fact that his bare skin will be exposed to the frigid, below-freezing air so you could remove them.

“Well, you should’ve knocked on wood,” you reply, “I’ll need you to take your shirt off so I can get the rest of the thorns out and check your ribs.”

Silently, the man hikes his shirt up and over his ribs for you, snaking his arm out of his sleeve and then laying on his side. 

As he comes down, stretching, he groans. You see his muscles tense under his skin when he inhales, the dips and divots of his torso flex involuntarily when the squall of air nips at his newly exposed skin. The surface holds blossoms of red and deep purple that litter themselves across his ribs like splotches of messy watercolor dripped onto paper. Scarlet scratches bleed pebbles that drip onto the fabric of the cot. 

You suck in through your teeth as you inspect the area. Even without the damage from the thorns, it doesn’t look good.

“Not good?” the agent questions as if he could read your mind. From over his shoulder, he turna his head to look at you.

“Not good. You bruised your ribs, I’d be surprised if one of them wasn’t broken.”

“I didn’t hear a crack.”

“It should be monitored for a day or two, at the very least.”

“I have to get back to work.”

“Look, I understand—“

“I’ll be fine.”

You sigh softly and remove one of your gloves to rub your face in exasperation. Unfortunately, this wasn’t your first rodeo with stubborn patients, so you slide on another glove and begin to pluck at the thorns in his torso. “You won’t be doing much work if you permanently damage them.”

He twists his head away from you again and grunts softly, muttering a short, “Okay.”

How articulate. You guess he doesn’t get paid to talk to people.

“Okay? As in…?”

“As in, fine,” he replies, then pauses for a moment as if to prove a point. “But I’m sure you have better things to do.”

You laugh at this, then stifle it into your elbow so he didn’t think you were laughing at him. He still rolls over a little to look at you, confusion laces his eyes that dart around as they go from your face to the rows of empty cots behind you. Busy? You begin to laugh again.

He can’t be serious, you think as you fan your face. You let your laughter dissipate like it was being dissolved into water. “Sorry… no, you’re right,” you snort, “I was drowning in work before you arrived, agent.”

“I’m sure,” he chirps back, the ghost of a smile haunts his lips.

“I think I can squeeze you in, though. Might have to clear some of my schedule, but… I’ll make it work.”

The pleased look that graces your face is involuntary. You find it endearing how worried he is about becoming too much extra work for you and the other nurses, despite the fact that there isn’t any reason to gather that he would and—believe it or not—it’s your job. 

The agent lets out an amused breath through his nose. “Should I be flattered?”

“Oh, of course.”

You place the last of the thorns onto the metal pan and tend to his wounds with gauze and bandages and nimble fingers that have done this hundreds of times before. Sometime along the way his body relaxed—just a little—and you think he fell asleep until he sits up like a puppet that had his strings yanked and puts his shirt on properly.

The sudden movement makes you blink, and he stares at you for a long pause filled with dead air and an expectant look in his eyes. That damn rip in the tent whistles. 

Finally, his eyes flicker down to your badge, then back to your face. “I’ve never seen you before.”

“I started here not too long ago,” you inform him honestly, a little embarrassed to admit your newbie title to a seasoned employee of the organization.

He doesn’t say anything else, so you take the reins.

“Well, I think we’re set,” you say, rolling the latex gloves off of your hands. “Let me know if you need anything, Agent…”

You never asked him his name?

“Leon Kennedy,” the agent, now with the name Leon Kennedy pinned to his face, finishes for you. 

His name twirls around your head and makes you dizzy to think about. I should have known, you think to yourself once he bids you farewell to report to his superiors. 

From what little time you spent at the base prior to meeting Leon, you had heard whispers during dinner drift from mouth to ear of the elusive agent. That he was a man of few words (immense understatement, you consider it more socially awkward, but true); that he had half of the base swooning every time he walked by (you don’t want to comment on this); and that he was immensely attractive (that is also true). You have to admit… you see why he had such an air of intrigue around him. To be so quiet after such successes he’s accomplished—people were on the edge of their seats trying to figure him out.

You also had to admit that you weren’t immune to it either. 

During your meals and breaks you found yourself playing Where’s Waldo? with Leon, attempting to catch glimpses of him in his natural state to confirm or deny these claims. Which was impressively difficult for absolutely no reason other than that he did it for his own benefit… the motive for this was lost, and still is, on you.

The few times you did spot him, he had the same clenched jaw and furrowed eyebrows. He never stayed in the same place for very long and frequently you only spotted him—or rather, his broad shoulders and white-knuckled fists as they turned corners and disappeared to do whatever he did all day. Important agent things.

Regarding your coworkers… it hadn’t improved much, either. The head nurse, who you later learned was named Winona, loosened up on you a bit—which was practically nothing when both she and the other nurse had been so cold to begin with. However, your determination to help those around you seemed to impress her… most days.

(Peeks of Leon’s ashy blonde hair stolen from cracks in the tent. His fur-lined coat hangs off of his sizable frame, enveloping his arms in the thick fabric—it makes them look even bigger. Not that you care, per say, but—

“You aren’t getting paid to stalk agents,” Winona jeers, jolting you back to Earth from your subject of stolen attention. You swear she smiles at you wryly. “Should’ve tried for one of their jobs if you wanted to do that.”

She turns on her heel and goes over to a trio of injured civilians with her cart, the knot of hair tied taut at the base of her neck stares you in the face. You’re left hot faced and embarrassed for the entirety of the next check-up with your patient.)

The endless night shifts never seem to cease rolling in and you’re afraid it’s begun to catch up on you. By the end of breakfast, when you could finally drag your corpse-like body to your quarters and into your bed, your head drooped comically into your bowl of oatmeal and some of the newer agents had a blast laughing at you. Whatever, assholes.

(You were deeply embarrassed.)

So, you opted for allowing a short nap in here and there during your shift—ten minutes at most—whenever your eyelids began to feel itchy and weighted and you couldn’t help but close them. You really couldn’t. Being sat by the fire with a hot drink made you so warm and the sounds of blowing wind lulled you to sleep in the darkness under the moon.

Truly, a terrible work performance from you, but no one was around to see and surely you’d be awoken by even a hint of an emergency. 

Tonight, you count sheep with your wool blanket tucked up to your chin and your head lolls against your shoulder like it’s about to fall off its hinges. One, two, three. They mock you as they hop into their pasture and curl up into white, fluffy spheres, falling asleep within the warmth of their home. 

From a distance, your ears almost register the sound of footsteps that approach the tent, crushing the crunchy top layer of snow under their feet as they stop in the entrance. It isn’t enough to completely wake you until they clear their throat and say, “Hello?”

Your eyes snap open and you turn your head so fast you think it might go flying across the room. Really smooth of you, considering Leon is the one to get your attention. By the smug look on his face and slight chuckle that wracks his frame, you know he isn’t fooled with your act awake performance.

He stands there, towering and rigid, unlike the night you first met him, with his palm outstretched flat like he’s trying to show the world something. 

“Oh, hey, what do you need?” you reply quickly, standing from your chair as you let your blanket fall off of you.

Leon glances at his hand and then at you. “I, uh, got a papercut.”

“A paper cut,” you repeat, just to make sure you heard him right.

“Yeah.”

You stare at him for a moment, mouth agape as his words register as something he was actually saying to you.

“Well, get comfortable, then. I’ll patch you up.”

In reality, you’re terribly confused about a special forces agent needing first aid for a paper cut, but how could you complain? He needs help and you’re there to offer it. 

The blonde sits on a cot near the fire—not before picking up your blanket from the ground and placing it back on the chair, though—and you situate yourself on a stool facing him. 

You take Leon’s hand in yours gently and inspect the wound. It’s fairly shallow, but placed in the center of the webbed skin between his index finger and thumb. Tough spot. When your digits graze his rough knuckles he inhales sharply and you glance at him due to the sudden motion.

He doesn’t expect a reaction from you because he pauses for a second then asks, “You think I’ll live?”

“I dunno,” you answer, sucking your teeth. “Could be a close call.”

“Yeesh.”

“I know. My condolences.”

“For myself?”

“Uh-huh.” You turn his hand over so his palm faced the sky. “This’ll sting.”

When you disinfect the injury, Leon’s face twitches into itself but he keeps quiet, opting to focus his gaze on your face while you patch him up. You try not to shift under the intensity.

“What made you want to do this?” he queries, his voice cuts through the silence and startles you a bit. Leon looks pleased with himself and you roll your eyes.

“You’ll laugh.”

“Why would I do that?”

“It’s corny.”

Admittedly, it was—the original story as to why you wanted to be a nurse. You’ve had people laugh at it before and you mostly don’t want to repeat history with someone you find rather charming, but something in Leon’s face softens and he shakes his head briefly. 

“Try me,” he challenges.

“Oh, fine.” Like there was a fight put up when you relent, smoothing a bandaid over his cut. “You know those things you’d fill out as a kid? Where it’s like, what do you want to be when you grow up?”

Leon nods.

“Every single time, I would write superhero,” you laugh sourly because you got used to other people laughing when you said this, but he listens as if you’re the only sound he’s ever heard. “I’d draw myself with a little cape and all that. Then at a certain age the teachers start telling you, pick a real job, pick something that exists. And, I dunno, I thought: there are real superheroes. They save people every day because they want to.”

“I mean, I always knew I didn’t have all the right assets to be the one rescuing people from burning buildings and punching the bad guys. I wanted to help people when they couldn’t help themselves, you know? I can't carry the weight of the situation—it’s just not in my nature—but I can carry them. That’s why I started doing this, I guess.”

The look he gives you when you finish speaking is indescribable. He gazes deeply into your face like he’s trying to find a new feature he missed the first time. Something akin to pulling apart your mind with his eyes as if it’s clay made for the shaping and a load of a melancholy that’s too heavy for him; like he’s asking you, how do I carry it? Tell me how to carry something like that. 

Your hand still lingers in his, over the bandaid you placed on him; you slide yours so the curves of your thumbs interlock and you grip the hilt of his palm. A hidden embrace.

Leon’s eyes dart toward your hands and he makes no effort to remove you from his grasp, his fingers relax against your wrist. He feels your heartbeat. You feel his. When he looks up again, all he sees are your eyes. 

You don’t know why you went on that anecdote in the first place, not really. Only that you were finished patching him up and wanted—needed—him to linger for a bit longer.

“What about you?” you ask, voice hushed close to nothing.

“I wanted to help people, too.” He sounds uncharacteristic—sheepish? “That’s it… I can’t follow up with something as articulate as you.”

“It matters just as much even if you can’t express it,” you assure him, your head tilts. 

Leon clears his throat and nods, slipping his hand from yours and looking anywhere that isn’t you. You created a shadow in front of his face, back facing the fire, but you can see the subtle dark tinge of his cheeks when he avoids your eyes. He chooses to look at his feet. There he goes, being endearing again, you think.

The harsh edges of his face are lit up with an orange glow, darkness shoots somewhere in between in a soft gradient, and he looks positively ethereal. If you reached out and cupped his face, you know it would be warm to the touch like laundry right out of the dryer. It makes him look all the more delicate and this feels more natural than the pointed looks and pinched expressions he usually wears.

You look back down at his hands. You’re trying to memorize the way they felt against yours (coarse and hot to the touch) and you get the picture of how hopeless you are—even an idiot could see you have a crush on him. 

That doesn’t stop you from protecting your pride and you keep it to yourself. You stand up to put the disinfectant supplies and box of bandaids away without a word. 

Leon stares at his hand like it’s missing a piece.

You have your head buried too deep into the cabinet to think much about that. Screaming at yourself was an understatement for what you’re doing in your head… a better description would be begging the floor to swallow you entirely with one gulp.

Surely, Leon has someone at home. He’s an attractive, intelligent man with an arguably stable job that pays him oodles more than he would ever need; not to mention how well-built he is, but again, for what seems like the millionth time you push this thought to the back of your mind. You could not focus on that.

“Are you okay?” his voice carries from the cot.

You take a moment’s breather and shut the cabinet door. “I’m good. How are your ribs?”

“They’re good.” Leon pauses, then adds. “Thanks.”

The shake of your head comes faster than your words; muscle memory. “It’s what I’m here for.”

“You do a good job.”

“I’m just a medic.”

“A good one.”

As you utter your gratitude for his comment, you hope he couldn’t feel the heat radiating off of your face from so far away. You weren’t one to get shy from such simple words, but you find your eyes glued to your boots because of his gentle bonniness. Damn you, you curse at him in your head—it held no weight.

The blonde stands from the cot and walks over to you. He bends slightly to catch your eyes in his. “I have to go now, but... yeah. Thank you.”

“Of course, Agent Kennedy.”

“Don’t start using formalities now,” he half-laughs, half-breathes. His face contorts when he stretches back, and his hand came up to massage his right shoulder—you even go to comment on this movement, being a medic and all, but he beats you to it with a smirk. “Stick with Leon.”

And then, in a few strides, he’s gone as fast as he came. 

Your entire body deflates when you let out a guttural sigh. How come every time you watched his back, you were left reeling?

Unfortunately for you, that blasted man had ingrained himself into your head, sitting pretty in your thoughts as snug as a bug in a rug while you tried to do your job, or attempted to focus on anything other than your feelings for him. On the contrary, he returned to clearing out Umbrella facilities for the time being, which meant he was out of the base for days, or even weeks, considering he was one of, if not, the best agent they had. This saved you from the embarrassment of being caught trying to catch glances of him from inside the tent or during meals. 

This, however, did not stop you from daydreaming when work got slow. 

You wondered how someone like Leon behaved domestically, if he was completely different outside of the AUPIT, or if he was still just the sweet, reserved man who needed your aid often. Did he have any pets? What music did he listen to? You guess you’d have to ask him later, but you imagined that the pieces would fall into place and suit him. They’d be so perfectly Leon that when he told you, you would think to yourself, huh, why didn’t I think of that?

The amount of daydreaming you did was not lost on Winona, and occasionally she snapped her fingers in front of your face and grumbled under her breath, “I’ll kill that boy.” With no real threat to her tone. 

Please, you can’t help it. He has arms with the muscle definition of a god and he told you-you were a good medic; you were a goner before you even realized it.

On the other hand, your family never let up with their pleas for you to return home, despite the fact that it simply wasn’t possible unless you had a very good reason for it. Which you didn’t, and you didn’t want to—people just didn’t get it through their heads that, yes, your job was difficult, and yes, patients got on your nerves sometimes, but no, you wouldn’t trade it for the world. This meant more to you than anything else you could fathom. You knew the fear these people felt first-hand, and you knew they needed a saving grace; just like you had.

(“Just come home,” your mother coos into the phone, her voice static-y and chopped from the poor signal. You could imagine her face right now, all worried and exhausted like you’re a child balancing on a wet playground. “There’s a hospital not too far from here… I’m sure they’d take you.

You promptly spend the next hour explaining to her that it isn’t that simple, even if you wanted to, and you remind her every few minutes that you aren’t going to leave, either. You’re happy, all things considered; which is why you make the executive decision to leave out all of the bad parts of your work so far.)

As for the efforts against Umbrella, you hear whispers of successes during dinners and fewer agents appeared at the medical tent’s door in need of assistance than when you arrived. So, you think things are going rather well for your organization. Less tired eyes and solemn faces; the fight wasn’t over, but everyone could rest a little easier with every night that passed. 

And yet, those damned night shifts. You swear Winona and that other medic were scheming against you for no reason other than pure spite, on the basis of simply because they didn’t feel like doing it. It has to be funny to them by now, seeing you half-asleep at breakfast and looking all mussed at dinner because you woke up ten minutes prior. You let them laugh all they wanted because frankly, you began to enjoy the night shifts. The world went to sleep, and you enjoyed some peace and quiet.

You kick your feet up onto a stool and drape a blanket over your legs, book in hand. The soft sounds of Icelandic pop music crackles out of the radio and floats throughout the tent. You mouth the noises of the songs, unsure of the lyrics, but you’ve heard it so often by now, you could recognize the tune from the first few beats. You scat a few of the instruments, tapping your foot along. You don't notice the figure that stopped in the doorframe. 

“Enjoying yourself?” Leon. You shut your book and turn to look at him, embarrassed. “I always feel like I’m coming at a bad time.”

“Never,” you reply with a haste that humbles you further. Worried about his sudden appearance in the medical tent after being gone on agent duties for nearly two weeks, you ask, “Are you okay?”

The corners of his mouth upturn and you barely see a flash of uneven teeth between the slit it creates, cute. This distracts you from how smug his face is. “I think I have a fever.”

“A fever this time?”

“Yep.”

“Make yourself comfortable, Leon.” 

A paper cut, then a fever. You begin to think of his inability to soothe his minor maladies as an excuse to visit the tent. Your stomach flutters at the thought, but you have to make sure… just in case he’d fallen ill out there in the cold. 

You find the thermometer and placed it in his mouth gingerly. It hangs crooked from the corner and he watches you with a certain keenness that makes you smile. After a few minutes, you check his temperature: 98.7. An amused hum escapes your lips without meaning to.

“Dying?” 

“I don’t think you have a fever,” you answer, using the back of your hand to press against his forehead and cheeks. The first cheek is cold, then the left cheek warms under your skin—Leon’s expression falls bashful. “But if I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were looking for reasons to come see me.”

It’s his turn to hum in thought. “Maybe.”

“You could just come talk to me.”

“You’re on the clock,” the blonde reminds you, grunting. In a swift movement, his hand presses into the curve of his neck and he rotates his right shoulder, face straining.

You see an opening. “That I am. What was that?”

“What?”

“Your shoulder.”

“I was stretching.”

“Does it hurt?”

Leon grumbles a response under his breath, unimpressed that you might have found something you could actually treat him for. You raise your brows. “I’ll take that as a yes. Let me see.”

“It’s fine.”

“Agent Kennedy.”

He pretends not to hear you.

“Leon.”

“Fine,” he gripes like a child being forced to get a shot and maneuvers to lay his stomach flat on the cot, his back faces toward the ceiling. He takes off his brown, fur-lined jacket and discards it onto the next cot over. You get a whiff of musk and cinnamon from the breeze it makes.

The shirt that clings to him left nothing to the imagination—a tight, black compression shirt stretches snugly over his muscles. You spread your fingers like fans to warm them up, then begin to run them over his shoulder and along the meat of his back. 

You tsk, full of knots. This man needs a masseuse. You make a mental note to refer him to a good one you knew. 

With the issue at hand, though, you find an impressive knot in his shoulder, which is likely the cause of his discomfort. 

You huff, your work cut out for you. “There’s a big knot in your shoulder, Leon. How are you living like this?”

“I wake up and roll out of bed.”

“I need to get this out.”

Leon turns his head, his cheek presses to the cot. He gives you a look that says nothing short of, are you serious?  You smile as sweetly as you can at him, an attempt to coax him. To your surprise, he averts his gaze fast and relents. The blonde agent sits up and shrugs his shirt off. It’s tossed next to his jacket.

Under the fire light and the dim glow of lanterns that hang in a line down the center of the tent, strings attached to the ceiling, you see the way chills prickle over the surface of his skin. Goosebumps, like rolled carpets being kicked open, unfurl down his arms rapidly and he lays down on his stomach once again. 

Your face burns in the dark—you’d be surprised if you aren’t glowing like one of those lanterns from the amount of heat it exudes.

You use a dollop of skin cream to keep the area relaxed and pliable as you work out the knot with your fingers. You push it in the right direction until you got it in a better spot, then you knead it firmly. It crackles within his body.

“Fuck…” he groans in relief, nestling his head into the fabric of the cot as he sighs. “They teach you massages in nursing school?”

“That might be just a learned from life thing,” you state in total honesty. You wipe the excess lotion from your hands on a rag. 

Curiously, he peers at you from the corner of his eye. “You have someone back home you do that to?”

A laugh falls from your lips, though your face feels even hotter than before (if that is even possible). “No—not at all.”

Leon lets out a pleasant hum and sit up from the cot. Good, he says without saying it. 

He snatches his shirt and tugs it over his head; you pretend to make yourself busy so you have somewhere other to look than at him. You hear him sigh with great reprieve as he rolls his shoulder back and forth, it must’ve felt like a freshly oiled hinge.

He comes up behind you, his shoulder skims the back of your neck when he peers down at what you were doing on the counter. Which is a whole lot of nothing; moving cotton swabs from one container to the other, counting how many rolls of gauze you had left for the hundredth time. Mindless hand ministrations to distract you from the heart that pounds in your chest.

“Is this what you do all night?” he questions, mildly amused.

“Sometimes.”

“Must be glad I showed up.”

“Something like that,” you tease, glancing up at him with a coy smile.

You watch his withstraint break a little inside of him. He inhales sharply, losing the words you said somewhere between your eyes and your lips—he couldn’t focus with your faces so close to each other and neither could you. Leon reaches for the hand that rested on the other side of you and drags you in between him and the counter, twirling you to face him. Then he pauses and appears lost, like he doesn’t know which way is left and right.

Maybe he doesn’t know what to do, you think. You don’t really know either, so you go on about what you do know.

“You should probably use kinesiology tape on your shoulder,” you comment, suddenly becoming hyper-aware of all of your limbs. His eyes don’t leave your lips. You’d be a liar if you say yours left his.

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah.”

The man’s body heat radiates off of him and it’s magnetic, pulling you closer, away from the bitter cold. Your breath hitches. His hand hovers over the curve of your neck, then it decides to rest on the side of your jaw, thumb pressed against your flushed cheek. You remember the texture of his warm palm, coarse and calloused from years of wear.

You try to memorize every fine line and crease that scuffs your face as he beckons you to close the gap with the slight tilt of his head. I’d make a terrible agent, my resilience is slim to none, you theorize when your body moves before your mind does. His mouth hovers over yours, his breath traces your cupid’s bow. You close the distance enough that your lips graze each other until someone clears their throat from a few feet away.

Winona stands like a judgmental statue, thin brows raise expectantly. You, and Leon, jump away from each other. It rocks the counter with a loud clatter that echoes. 

“Agent Kennedy,” she acknowledges him first as a sign of respect. He nods back awkwardly. “You two look like you’re  enjoying yourselves.”

Neither of you talk for a moment and you find  yourself desperate to create any word that could explain what that was. Leon’s eyes dart around the room.

Finally, something solid comes to your tongue. “I’m sorry.”

And then she laughs in both of your faces. Her hand waves like it’s fanning your words away from getting inhaled. You and Leon glance at each other, brows knit in honest confusion.

“Kids,” she exhales. “Stop distracting my medic, Kennedy.”

Then he speaks, but it sounds more like a nervous cough. “Yes, ma’am.”

Winona shoos him with a gesture of her wrinkled hand and he musters a sheepish, apologetic smile for you as he hurries away from the tent. You don’t make much of an effort to move as you prepare your ego for the chew out it’s about to receive.

“And you. Try to keep the fraternization out of the tent.” With that, she continues past you to search through some files, snickering to herself and shaking her head.

You aren’t about to push your luck. You get to keep your job and ego intact, and that’s enough for you. So, you whisper a quiet, “Yes, ma’am.” And go on with your day.

The encounter with Leon left you feverish and all tingly in every limb whenever it crossed your mind over the following days. You saw him out and about around the base, and during meals he offered you frail waves that faded in a breath. 

Truth was, you’re too afraid of rejection to ask him about that night—go figure. Maybe you’re a cliche. Maybe you’re both cliches. Who cares? Well, you do, and you thought the ruffled, pink-tinted expressions on Leon’s face whenever you crossed paths meant that he did, too, but neither of you made a move to approach the other. You questioned if you would rather be told that his only plans for you was a short work fling with no strings attached, or if he felt the connection that you did. A terrible predicament, really, and soon your desire for a straight answer outweighed the fear of hearing something you didn’t like. 

When you went to find him in the meal tent, sitting alone in one of the back corners, he wasn’t there. Okay. You waited, then decided to check the nooks and crannies of the base where you knew he hung around, and nothing. Leon vanished into thin air the moment you gathered enough courage to speak to him. Somehow you thought he read your mind and planned for this to happen, just to be able to tease you without being present. But that was simply ridiculous. He had to go to work, just like you had to do yours.

A week went by, then two; no sign of Leon’s reappearance cropped up and you began to worry you wouldn’t get the chance to speak to him at all. The only reminder that soothed you was the fact that you knew the organization was on the home stretch for completely wiping Umbrella’s power in Iceland. This reassured you for many reasons. Mainly, that you’d be able to sleep in your bed again at a proper time that didn’t leave you exhausted; but you also found comfort in the idea of finally getting a word with the blonde agent that clung to your brain like a disease once everything was over. 

Of course, you had fleeting thoughts that he died and you’d forever be left wondering about what could have been. But, that was just ridiculous—he’s Leon Kennedy, the agent that saved the president’s daughter from certain death. So, you chalked it up to your anxiety being built up as doubt about the succession of the mission began to be put to an end. That yes, you would all return home soon, and no nothing terrible and tragic would happen just as you were about to win.

Eventually, you all received the verdict of the mission. Success. The sun shone through the clouds brighter that day, in ribbons of gold that elevated all of your senses to something dreamlike. Another catastrophe prevented. More people saved—clockwork. To say you were pleased with the conclusion of your first ever out of country operation would be an understatement; you were ecstatic. 

Still, you find yourself fretting over that thing with Leon as you help pack up the equipment in the medical tent.

Winona, who has grown increasingly engrossed in your love life, gives you a knowing look when your lips tug downward and you send a pointed glance toward the entrance of the tent for the tenth time in the last hour. She tsks and shakes her head. It gains your attention. 

“Just talk to him,” she insists, shoving a couple boxes of bandaids into the case. She’s unimpressed with your antics and just wants you to get a move on. 

You sigh and preen your hair like he’ll walk in at any moment. “I haven’t seen him.”

“Hopeless,” she grumbles in response. “Hopeless. If you won’t do something about it, stop looking at the door like a kicked dog and help me.” Winona retreats further into the tent and you succumb enough to follow her.

You must glower the whole time because she won’t stop sending you dirty looks while she tapes the cardboard boxes with a tape gun. Her movements are threatening. You try to fix your expression when the line of spokes reflects off of the bright horizon outside the tent as it slices the tape.

After the innards of the tent are packed into a dozen or so boxes, you’re the person left to pick them up one by one and drop them off with the rest of the cargo that needs to be shipped. Your back is sore from the sorry excuses of beds you have and your arms ache from hours of cramming things. Kicking snow with each shuffled step, you heave out a lengthy sigh and pause to breathe. There’s a reason I’m not an agent.

“Need a hand?” Leon asks from behind you. You’re wondering how he’s always sneaking up on you.

Still, you nod and can’t help but be relieved. “Please.”

Like it’s filled with air, he takes the box from your hands and cocks a barely-there grin at your awed expression. Smug and content, he marches ahead with you in tow. You don’t really know what to say to him, if anything at all. 

You walk alongside him for the first time in the daylight, and you take in his features now that they aren’t muddled in the darkened firelight or blurred by distance. He’s chiseled, sunken cheeks and high cheekbones with that intense look on in his eyes—but there’s something else—boyish, is what you think. Soft jaw. Moles and freckles litter themselves across his face. 

Leon is beautiful and you would like to kiss him right now.

He stops at the drop off point, places the box next to the others and turns to you. Suddenly, he looks nervous and you feel some resolve escape your mind. He’s about to ask you something. He opens his mouth, rosy lips parting and you break—you pull him behind a tall stack of boxes and kiss him.

The collar of his jacket is clutched between your fingers in a moment and your lips are on his; the fur tickles your skin. His lips are chapped and cold but you create warmth within him, you could be a summer’s day in this frigid air. His hands come to your waist, then your hips and his fingertips make indents when he holds you tight like this was always supposed to happen. When you part, you’re both breathless.

He searches for his words again, the question he was going to ask. “Would you—dinner? On me.”

You hum in faux thought and peck him on the lips again, then again, and a third time for good measure. He smiles into the last one.

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

“I’m surprised you didn’t start that by saying you stubbed your toe and needed my help.”

Leon chuckles. “I thought about it.”

He pulls you in again, tongue grazing your bottom lip. You lean in further, desperate for connection until you both go slipping like baby deer. The thin layer of snow on the ground left everything icy. He tumbles into some supplies and you land on top of him. You’re both laughing into each other’s mouths. You’re both happy.

You chime together, like clockwork.

[mystic-writings]

emergency contact | jack hodgins

pairing — jack hodgins x fem!booth!reader

summary — hodgins hasn’t heard from you in over six months, after you broke up with him and disappeared. until he gets an alarming phone call in the middle of the night

warnings — angst, canon-typical violence, mentions of death

word count — 2,528

notes — a few things: i wrote this back in january, and it was rushed and poorly done but im being self-indulgent for this one | also im not tagging anyone bc i wanna see how far this will get on its own (except for my beloved @shmaptainwrites who indulged me ily mimi)

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2:47am

Despite his many years working for the Jeffersonian, Hodgins had yet to get used to his phone ringing at odd hours. With a groan and a stretch, his palm landed where his phone lay on the nightstand table. Without checking the caller ID, he picked up the phone and slurred out a tired greeting to the caller on the other line.

“Hello, Dr. Hodgins, I’m Marie, calling from the George Washington University Hospital.” Why was a hospital calling him so late at night? “You’re listed as the emergency contact for Y/n Booth, correct?”

Your name sent a shock through Jack’s body. “I— I guess so, yeah. Why? Is she okay?”

“Your fiancée was shot on duty, sir. She’s in surgery right now. We suggest you be with her when she wakes up.”

Without a second thought, Jack hung up the phone and flung out of bed. He didn’t care how things ended between the two of you, good or bad, but he knew one thing for certain: he needed to make sure you were okay. After scrambling for a decent set of clothing and his car keys, Jack rushed out of the house and down the near-empty streets to the hospital you were taken to. 

Even though his mind was running at a mile a minute, Jack managed to recall what the nurse had told him. Shot on duty. You took a sabbatical seven months ago, were you back in town? Surely Booth must’ve known, he was your brother and co-worker, he had to have. Did he spare telling Jack to avoid the inevitable turmoil? Obviously you’d been back long enough to take a case, so it wasn’t like you had decided to come back out of the blue. 

By the time he found parking, it was half past 3 in the morning, and Jack’s heart refused to stop beating out of his chest, his palms sweating rivers as he clenched and unclenched them. Despite all of this, though, he approached the front desk with a cracking resolve, trying his best to be put together for the sake of not distressing the night staff and lingering patient family members. 

“Could you tell me where Y/n Booth is?”

The nurse behind the counter glanced up at him. “Connection to the patient?”

“I’m her-” he stumbled on the words. “Her, uh, fiancé. Emergency contact.” 

She typed a few things into the computer when a voice from behind caught Jack’s attention. 

“Hodgins.” Booth called, approaching with a weary face and a cup of likely burnt coffee.

Jack nearly sprinted over to the man, blue eyes frantically searching for answers in his features. “What’s up, man? I mean, what the hell happened?”

Booth took Hodgins by the arm and led him down a hallway, over to the elevators. “We were going after a perp. I told her not to go in first, that I’d handle the hard part. She didn’t listen, the bastard got her from behind, shot out one of her kidneys. Been in surgery for almost,” he checked his watch, “three hours now.” 

Jack deflated just as the elevator doors dinged open. The pair stepped inside, the space empty apart from themselves. “I just— I don’t get it. Yesterday, she was somewhere even I didn’t know, taking some damn sabbatical. Yesterday, I was still pissed at her. Now? She’s in surgery because she was on a case. Because some asshole shot her. I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do with that, Booth?”

Unable to provide any kind of emotional support or response, Booth remained quiet as his friend tried his best not to break down in the elevator. 

When the doors opened, Jack attempted to regain his composure as best as he could while Booth led him down the hall. There was a separate waiting room here, for family members who had someone in surgery. He sat opposite Booth, next to a sleeping little girl and her obviously exhausted mother. 

He had no bearing of the passage of time, and felt as though there was no energy left within him to check the watch on his wrist. All he did was sit with his hands on his knees, head tilted to the sky, one leg bouncing like an infinite rubber ball. At some point, a doctor came out to notify the mother of her husband’s successful surgery — his tumor was gone, he’d told her, and there was little chance of it coming back. 

It wasn’t until the sun started to peek in through the waiting room windows that a surgeon called out your name. Booth had been asleep in the chair across from Jack, but he was wide awake. The pair jumped up and approached the doctor, throwing questions at him rapidly. 

“Y/n is okay. Surgery went well, though we’ll have to keep her here for longer than expected.”

“Why? What happened?” Booth asked. 

The doctor sighed. “Due to the location of the entry wound, the bullet caused too much damage to her right kidney. For now, she’ll only be functioning with one until we can find a donor match. She’ll be on dialysis weekly and some medication to assist the working kidney, but otherwise, she’ll be just fine in a week or so. The bullet did puncture the liver and small intestine, but the speed of the bullet slowed enough to only cause minor damage, nothing we couldn’t fix up.” He told them, and a wave of relief crashed over the pair. “She’s being brought up to her room now, if you’d like to go wait with her.”

Jack only nodded, Booth trailing him as the doctor led them up one more floor, where you were being transferred to the ICU. It was painful, seeing you after so  long, only for you to be hooked up to so many machines, laying nearly helpless in a bed. He pulled a chair up to your right side, reaching for your limp hand to hold, hoping you could feel him. 

Hoping you knew he was there. That you knew he always would be.

Booth leaned against the door frame, watching everything with anguish. After you left for California, you kept in constant contact with your older brother. But even in those months, you never explained why you broke off the engagement so suddenly. Why you took a surprise sabbatical, why you went to California specifically. Why you became so closed off, so cold to everyone, even to Parker. 

After a while, Booth left Jack alone to go pick up Parker from his mother’s house. He promised to be back later, your nephew in tow, and pressed a featherlight kiss to your forehead before he left. 

Jack, swimming in an ocean’s worth of thought, barely noticed the sun coming over the horizon in the window opposite him. All he could do was process the emotions flowing through him. Anger, that you left him so suddenly and without explanation. Despair, that you’d come back so long ago and didn’t come to see him, to work things out. Worry, that despite your life-saving surgery, you wouldn’t get a new kidney, or that you’d never be the same again. Anger again, but at the bastard who shot you. Triumph, that he was rotting in a cell right now. 

 Jack’s only comfort in the sterile, whitewashed room was the steady beeping emanating from the heart monitor, a small assurance that you were okay. His hand remained clasped over yours for hours, thumb stroking the smooth skin on the back of your hand. Partly as a comfort to himself that you were still there, but mostly, he believed, a comfort to you. He hoped you could feel it; that you could feel his presence. He hoped his presence comforted you. 

By the time you woke up, all the worry had faded from Jack’s body and exhaustion had taken its place. He was asleep, head supported by his arm on the side of the chair, when he heard the sheets rustle in the bed. 

Somehow, in all your years of work, this was the first time you ended up in the hospital due to a job-related injury. It wasn’t the first time you woke up dazed after a surgery with little memory of how you got there, though. 

The sheets, despite being thin, weighed down your legs and torso, providing warmth and comfort. You could feel the leads for the heart monitor stuck to your chest, irritating your skin in the slightest bit. There was a cannula feeding oxygen into your system, though it rubbed the skin on the back of your ears uncomfortably. The main thing, though, was that your torso hurt. 

Despite that, you managed to notice something weighing down your right hand. It was warm, warmer than the blankets. And heavier. Garnering the courage to open your eyes, you blinked to adjust to the sunlight and fluorescent lights, trying to shift yourself upward, wincing when it pulled on your wound. Instead, you glanced over at your hand, only to find another on top of it. Following the arm connected to it, your heart stuttered and cracked when you found a sleeping Hodgins sitting next to your bed. Emotion swelled within your chest and tear ducts just at the sight of him, sleeping so peacefully next to you, his hand over yours in a firm grasp, as if that was the only thing that assured him that you were really here. 

Slowly, quietly, you tried to pull your hand out from under Jack’s, only for the movement to wake him up. He stretched with a deep inhale, blinking rapidly as he took in his surroundings. It wasn’t until he noticed you were awake that he seemed to come to his senses. 

“Hey,” he nearly whispered. “How’re you feeling?”

You bit back a scoff. “Terrible. First job back and of course I had to get myself shot.” 

Jack fought a smile, scooting forward to raise the bed up for you to sit properly. “They said they got all the fragments of the bullet during surgery. You’re down a kidney for now, though.”

You only nodded, allowing yourself some time to gather your thoughts. “Why are you here, Hodgins?”

“Apparently, I’m still your emergency contact.” He told you, sitting back down and resting his elbows on his knees. “And apparently, I still care about you enough to show up.” 

“Don’t put that on me.” You whispered, chest restricting as tears fought their way back to your waterline. “You can’t say that to me. Not after what I did to you. You should hate me. I mean, really hate me. Like, praying for my downfall, kind of hate. You shouldn’t still care about me.”

“Well, apparently I do. I thought I hated you, for a long time. But I guess I don’t.” Jack sighed,  taking your hand. You wanted to protest, to pull away, but you let him. “I guess this was a wakeup call for me. Literally. They called me at 3 in the morning to tell me you were in surgery.”

You laughed, a wet sound underlined with sadness. “I’m sorry, Jack. Really, I am. I just…”

“What, don’t love me? It’s okay. I’ve learned to live with it.” 

Even when he should hate you, Jack still understood, and even worse, he still loved you. He was, somehow, the world’s most understanding man. God, you love him. 

“No, no I don’t hate you. Actually, it’s the opposite. I just wish things could’ve gone differently.” 

Now Jack was just confused. “What d’you mean? You broke up with me for a reason, right? You told me you didn’t love me anymore.”

“It’s too complicated, Jack. I want to explain it all to you, really, but it’s not safe. I don’t know if or when it will be, and I won’t blame you if you want to find someone else, or if you already have. You deserve to be happy, Jack. You should move on from me.” 

“I don’t want anyone else.” Jack said, emphasizing each word and squeezing your hand. “I just want you. From the moment I met you, I knew you were it for me, Y/n. Even with your brother breathing down my neck to not even think about pursuing our relationship. It was terrifying, but I ignored it. Because you were too important to have in my life. I couldn’t risk passing you up. I just don’t understand why you ended things so suddenly.”

The tears that you had been attempting to keep at bay for this entire conversation now flowed freely down your cheeks, the emotions you’d kept close to your chest for nearly a year now breaking free. Jack, like the gentleman he was, gently tilted your head toward him, reaching up and using the pads of his thumbs to brush them from your cheeks. 

“I’m sorry,” you whimpered, daring to look him in the eye. 

“Don’t be.” He whispered. 

“I have to be. I hurt you. I ruined everything. And it wasn’t even worth it. It  didn’t change anything.”

Despite his confusion, Jack said nothing. He simply stood to his full height and sat on the edge of the bed, pulling you into his chest — minding your wounds and stroking your hair. “It’s okay. You’re home now. We can fix this.”

“No we can’t.” You shook your head, looking up at him. “Jack, there’s nothing left to fix. Because if we fix it, you’ll die.” 

After what felt like an eternity of swirling, spiraling thoughts, Jack found his voice. “What?”

“That’s why I left.” You said. “I was ordered to. I was working on a case, some underground organized crime syndicate. I found out some stuff I shouldn’t have. My hands were tied, I had no choice.” Choking back a sob, you wiped the tears from your face and took a breath. “It was either break up with you, call off the wedding, and leave, or everyone I loved would die. They were gonna kill you, kill Seeley and Parker, and drain your accounts. There was nothing I could do.” 

Jack pulled you in tighter, his whole worldview shifting and turning on an axis. He couldn’t speak — hell, he could barely even think right now. Jack had spent months grieving your relationship, questioning why you broke things off, harboring a ruthless anger at what his life had become, and all of it faded to dust in an instant. 

“I don’t know what to do,” you whispered, pulling Jack back to the present. “I work with these people, Jack. They could ruin me in an instant.” 

“We’ll fix this, I promise.” Jack declared, and despite the fear that had overridden your senses for the past few months, you couldn’t help but believe him. 

You only nodded, curling further into him as best as you could with your incisions. Fidgeting with the strings of his hoodie, you listened to the beat of his heart beneath you and took a deep breath. 

Soon enough, you were drifting off to sleep with the firm belief that soon enough, with the help of your family, somehow, everything would be okay. 

if you want more jack fics, please feel free to comment and let me know!! writing for smaller characters is always a gamble but if people read this i’d be more than happy to do so!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Aita for getting my ex abuser/rapist jumped?

Im 17f and back when I was 14 I was in an extremely abusive relationship with "R" who was 16m at the time, the abuse left me extremely traumatised and really impacted my life I can't even be with a guy without having flashbacks and I get nightmares about him and I get horrible tactile flashbacks and even like small reminders of him cause me to have panic attacks and bolk. i got diagnosed with c-ptsd a few months ago and talking about what happened and just thinking about it really triggered me to the point of breakdown, anyways i was venting to one of my best mates about it (19m) and hes been through sexual trauma himself so he understands what its like, but he made a joke about calling up some of his older mates and jumping him and (jokingly) said something like "bro i wish", anways about a week later i get a text from my mum (she works in the a&e) saying that R's in the a&e unconscious and i called my mate bcos i was shitting it bc i didn't realise he was fr and he admitted to it thankfully they where wearing shiesty's. I don't feel bad for R becos he fucking deserves that and more but he could've fecking died

TLDR- my mate jumped my abuser bcos he thought I wanted him to and now my abusers in the hospital unconscious

What are these acronyms?

[spacelesbiandisasterii]

A small update on my WIP!

Aka "The war within me"

Ok, so for the people that happened to read "The War Within Me" first chapter two months ago (I can't fuckin believe it's been two months) I just wanted to say that I didn't abandoned the project.

Between staying with my grandpa in the hospital (he crashed his motorcycle on a car) and then having Dengue myself (bc I was in the hospital the house I lived was empty and the mosquitos procreate like crazy in the summer I ended up being exposed) I quickly learn that AO3 curse is real and didn't get much time to write.

On top of that Chapter two was already a bit difficult bc it was set to explore Barriss and Anakin relationship and I didn't get to see the two of them interacting on the Star Wars media I consumed. I know they do interact in the novels, but I didn't read any yet (Shame on me!) so it's being kinda tricky, y'know? Mostly of what I wrote I ended up deleting right after because it didn't feel right.

Luckily now I feel like I got the vibe I wanted to pass with them, and I also very proud of the situation that I put them into.

For those that don't remember, Luminara departed to arrest Nute Gunray with the mysterious new Padawan of Anakin Skywalker (I wonder who that could be) while Barriss it's tasked to meet Anakin on the Aargonar System/Planet so they can create a distraction to keep the Seps occupied while Master Unduly gets that sleemo safely to prison.

Great plan, right?

Still, Aargonar will be a little though for Barriss for obvious reasons, and Anakin... Well, he will be doing what he's thing while trying to learn how to be a teacher figure, since it's just been a couple of month since he got his Padawan and now he got to deal with Barriss too (at least for a day).

Anyways! Here's a sneak peek for chapter two, I hope I'll be posting the whole thing soon:

(ps: this is not edited and I'm bad at english)

The news that they would be serving under General Skywalker quickly brought the clones some questions about the man. Barriss was slightly surprised by how popular Anakin truly was among the troops, but the longer the clones talked the more it made sense to why they look up to him so much. "I heard the 501st destroyed a Seppie Super weapon." Klutz, one the skinnies that recently got into the 41st legion spoke up to his brothers. "A ship that destroyed entire fleets! Can you imagine that?" The Malevolence. Barriss heard some talks around the temple at the time. Not only Anakin had destroyed the ship that previously had killed Jedi and clones on multiple battles, but he also managed to save Master Plo Koon and a few clones on the process. People were impressed to say the least, and the 501st legion accumulated dozens of other impressive victories to further legitimize Anakin's leadership. "You know what people call him? The Hero with no fear!" Edger add causing a few gasps of surprise and admiration from his brothers. Barriss had to turn back so they couldn't see her scoff. Now that was just ridiculous. "Padawan Offee, you know him, right?" Klutz asked not bothering on hiding all his excitement. "Yes, I do." "Well, how's he like?" She took a deep breath. How to even begin explaining Anakin? He indeed was a very brave person, true to his values and loyal to his friends in a way that very few could be, but to call him "Hero with no fear", like it seems Republic Propaganda liked to do recently, was to ignore that fact that he was human, and a Jedi. There's no person without fear and, like Master Yoda like to say, there's no heros in war. She wished she could talk about her friend. The Anakin that used to visit her youngling clan with Master Kenobi to help instruct lightsabers lessions and always find excuses to make their classes end early. The one that always found something interesting for her and Aayla to do while their Masters engaged on heated conversation about their last mission. The one that was human before being a military hero. She wished Klutz and Edger knew that version of him, but they also needed to enter this mission trusting their General just as much they trusted Luminara. "He's one of the best Generals of the GAR." She said look at her soldiers. "It's not usual for a recently knighted Jedi get their own Legion to command right away, but Council found him worthy of it. I'm sure whatever we'll be facing on Aargonar Master Skywalker already have a plan so we can succeed in our mission." I hoped. Barriss knew Anakin could be quite unorthodox at times, but she didn't had a chance to serve by his side ever since he got knighted. Judging by the reports of his mission he probably had grown a lot as a Jedi on the time being, and she trusted that things would go smoothly under his command.

[wooahaes]

getting to know you

pairing: non-idol!husband!joshua x fem(afab)!reader

word count: ~1.0k

warnings: mentions of giving birth/pregnancy/newborn baby (afab reader who is referred to as a mother). some postpartum depression notes. mentions of struggles with fertility. no proofreading, intentional lowercase. writer is going through some thoughts tonight lol

daisy’s notes: rare present tense daisy bc i think it works better here. sorry for a more emotional thing, i’m dealing with a lot of thoughts haha im almost 23 i shouldnt even be thinking abt having kids rn and yet.

this... wasn’t the way things went in fiction.

with joshua out, you’ve had a lot of time to reflect. all you really could do from your hospital bed, curled up on your side, was just your newborn daughter as she slept peacefully in her crib. she has his nose, you think. maybe his eyes, too. truthfully, you hope she does. you’d always told joshua you hoped your baby would have his pretty eyes. she’s still so tiny, so wrinkly, but she’s alive and well and now she’s back with you again. a tiny part of you thinks that most mothers would be holding their newborn now, cradling that tiny life that you supported for so many months and falling more and more in love by the second.

yet... it hadn’t really clicked yet. you love her because she’s your daughter, the way that all mothers should, but...

it’s hard to say you love her past that, cruel as it may seem. the online forums told you that it was normal to not feel attached yet. you’d just gone through hours of labor with your husband’s hand clutching your own, you were exhausted. if anything, you should be using this time to rest until joshua comes back. although you’d already eaten by now (the soup the hospital had given you was actually delicious, but you still aren’t sure whether that’s because of the fact you were ravenous or if it was legitimately good), joshua had promised you a dessert of your choosing. a celebratory thing for giving birth.

(now that you're alone, you don’t think you really wanted him to leave yet. but he told you to rest before he left, kissing you one last time before keeping to his promise that he’d made months ago.)

a light knock at the door catches your attention, and in walks your husband with a bag and a gentle smile on his face. “i’m back,” he says, shutting the door behind himself. he comes over to your bed, gently kissing you once more before setting your dessert aside. “how are you feeling?”

empty. you look at your infant daughter again. i shouldn’t be. “tired.”

“it’s okay,” he says, making his way over to the crib. “i’ll watch her. you should eat and sleep, honey.”

he’s so gentle with picking her up, securing her in his arms and looking at her like she’s the most beautiful thing in the world (and she is, truly: you think she is, but you just wish you could feel more for her than what you do). he settles into a chair, and all you can do is watch your husband as he oh-so-lovingly gazes at the product of so, so much time. getting pregnant took so long, and you still remember crying with joshua when the test was finally pregnant (and again after your doctor confirmed it with a blood test, just to assuage your own fears that it was a false positive). in fiction it happens on accident, or after a few attempts. no one told you that you’d be trying for so damn long before your body did what you wanted it to do.

“it’s okay, you know.”

you perk up a little when joshua speaks, his gaze having yet to leave your baby. “shua?”

“you don’t have to be bonded to her immediately,” he says. he remembers the conversation the two of you had about a week ago about this same exact topic. what if i don’t love her yet? “she’s a new person. you didn’t love me before you knew me, right?”

he has a point. as did every single website you turned to in an attempt to calm yourself down during that treacherous countdown to giving birth. this is normal, they would say. not all parents bonded with their baby right away. and yet you can’t help but feel guilty that you’re another one of them, stuck watching your husband and your baby have the bond you wish you could already have. 

“we’re still getting to know her,” he says gently. “it’s okay.”

you let out a sigh, curling up on your side again--careful of your own stitches. the recovery process would be hell on its own (hell, you know whatever they gave you is wearing off more and more as you become acutely aware just how sore your body is), but your focus is just on you, your husband, and your baby. “do you love her?”

“that doesn’t matter,” he says. “i do. and i know you do, too. but she’s still a stranger to me, you know?” he stands, carefully making his way over to sit down next to you. “i love you,” he says. “i think she has your lips.”

“she was just born, shua,” you weakly smile as you lean into his side.

“like you haven’t been staring at her thinking about how she has my nose,” he smiles, too. the pains of having a husband so deeply in love with you that he knows your thoughts well by now... plus your previous conversations about what you thought she’d look like probably come to mind now, too. “i think,” he says, “she’s just as beautiful as her mom.”

what a sap, you think. but he’s your sap. “just as pretty as you, too,” you tease, cheek pressing against his arm. “she really does have your eyes, you know.”

“she’s ours,” he says with this warm, loving pride in his voice. he looks to you, still smiling so gently (and enough for the both of you, you think: he knows your struggling now), “i hope she likes us, you know.”

the thought makes you snort a little. “god, i hope so, too.”

[fluent-in-lesbianism]

hi! long time follower, first time asker. this is a fandom question related to CPS. show is finding carter, a 2014 MTV show. MC is a teen girl who finds out that she was kidnapped when she was 3 and is reunited with her family. now the show definitely fumbled on how CPS should handle such a situation. i've been trying to research about it but have been having some difficulty. so i was wondering if you know of any resources or just professional knowledge about such situations. thank you so much!

I can only speak about Alabama CPS policy since that's where I work. CPS policy varies from state to state (even county to county within the same state). So I can only speak about my experiences in my state. Also, I've never actually seen Finding Carter. I'm only basing this off your short summary of the show.

I actually read this ask over the weekend and first thought I'd never actually worked a case like Finding Carter before, so I asked my supervisor (who has been in CPS for 22 years as both a worker and a supervisor) about her experiences. She'd never worked a case like that in her time as a worker, but she reminded me of a similar case I worked a few years ago that I'd completely forgotten about.

I'd gotten a report on a couple for non-kidnapping issues (that I don't remember anymore), but both I and my supervisor became suspicious during my first contact because the parents couldn't produce any adoption paperwork on a child they'd allegedly adopted from another country.

I couldn't do anything that night bc I can't remove kids off "vibes", but I made note of what they told me of their adoption process and their lack of paperwork in my notes for the primary worker. Two days later, I learned the couple was arrested and charged with kidnapping. They'd actually gone to another country, paid off hospital workers to give them a newborn baby, then flown back to the US with the baby to raise as their own.

In these situations, kids would not immediately go back to their biological parents. The kids would be placed in foster care until a judge determines that the bio parents are actually the bio parents. CPS can't change legal custody to non-relatives, and we wouldn't be able to immediately prove the child's relatives, so foster care would be the only option.

A judge would order CPS to complete DNA testing, checking hospital records, filing a police report, and checking missing persons reports before the child would even be considered for reunification. It would involve several court hearings and take a very long time. Probably several months, especially if it involves a child from another country. If it's a kidnapping from another country, Homeland Security would get involved as well.

So, let's say CPS proves that the bio parents are the bio parents, the child still wouldn't be immediately sent back. CPS would check the bio parents to ensure they're safe and appropriate. If CPS determines that the bio parents are unsafe for the child to return to (like prior criminal child abuse charges, parents use drugs, DV in the home, etc.), then the child would not be reunited with them until the parents complete court ordered services. Once the parents complete their services, a judge can make the decision to return the child to the parents.

In the mean time, the child would be placed in a bio family member's custody until a judge allows the child to go back to the bio parents. If there isn't a family member for the child to return to, then the child would remain in foster care. The child and family would also receive services through CPS like specialized counseling and supervised visitations between the parents and child prior to reunification.

I haven't seen the show, but I'm sure the show writers made it a plot point where the child was allowed to have contact with her kidnapper for the ~drama~. But that wouldn't happen in real life. The kidnapper would have a no contact order and jailed on felony kidnapping. If the kidnapper allows contact or encourages contact with the child, then they would face even more charges and jail time.

[aleksa-sims]

RL Simself Story ( 18+)

CW: Pregnancy, Babies, loss, blood

Another day at my grandparents drew to a close. After Dilek made her way home, N. and I got in a discussion. Not about her, it was about Alex, Daniel's Brother. 😔

Alex wrote me a letter, bcs he couldn’t call me. Daniel was against it! However, Alex mentioned a date in his letter. He wanted to see me! He said/wrote, he will wait for me in front of my and Daniel’s apartment on that particular day. I really wanted to see Alex!! I wanted to know what’s going on with Daniel and why he left me??? But as you can imagine, Nico was against it. Which was totally understandable!! That’s why I tried to talk to Nico about it. N. didn’t forbid me, but he let me know, he was disappointed in me. 🙁😞

He didn’t want to start a fight and just went over to M.’s room, while I cleande up our dishes in the kitchen. Nico asked M., what's wrong with Ana?? Why's she avoiding me?? So my Cuz told him what happend between Ana, Adam, Dennis & me in their dorm a few weeks ago. Yup! "Agh, thanks, bro!" 🤦‍♀️😒Such a moron!

Anyway! Now I'm gonna tell you about the dress I found in my room this afternoon. I thought it was my Mom’s! I really loved that dress! I felt so pretty in it. But my Grama seemed to hate it? I had the impression my Grama didn’t want to tell me exactly what she had against the dress I was wearing? She just said it's hers, not my Mom's!! And well, before I went to bed, I wanted to try to talk to her about this thing again in peace. She just came out of the bathroom. My Grampa was still sitting on the couch in the living room, watching a western movie. 😄He and his bloody, old, western movies. 😆😆Agh, I hated them!

Back to that dress. I entered the bedroom. My grandma was expecting me. She knew I had questions and was ready to talk to me about it.

My Grams was born and raised in Italy. She had three siblings! 2 Sisters and a Brother. When my Grams was 16, she went to Greece with one of her sisters, who's 2 years older than her, to work there. They worked in a hotel. And just a year later, she met my Grampa. My Grams was able to learn some Greek. But together with my Grampa, she learned the language relatively quickly and so they fell in love with each other. After spending over a year in Greece, my Grama decided to marry my Grandpa. He asked her and she was also pregnant. Her parents agreed, as long as my Grams had someone to take care of her. My Grandma's family didn’t have much money. My great-grandmother had lost an arm while working in a factory. That’s why she couldn’t work anymore.

Anyway, my Grandma was happy in Greece with my Grandpa .They lived in my Grampa's house which belonged to his Parents, who also lived there. My Grama and Grampa wanted to save money together to move out, so they both worked a lot. Even though my Grandma was pregnant, she worked 12 hours a day. She wanted to, and she felt good, so she just kept going. But when my Grams was 8 months pregnant, she suddenly got contractions during her shift at the hotel. She had to go to the hospital immediately! Something seemed to be wrong. She was bleeding. At the hospital, my Grandma found out she was having twins!!! She didn't know! No idea how her gynecologist could miss this, but my Grama told me that she was not often at the doctor at that time. She only had an ultrasound once! She didn’t take this so seriously. She was only 18! And her doc just said, she is young and strong, so it's all gonna be fine. However,my Grandma lost a lot of blood during delivery. She almost didn’t survive, she became unconscious, she said. She doesn’t remember what happened? She only knew, she was in a beautiful place, while the Doc's struggled to save her life. Everything felt so peaceful and wonderful. She wanted to stay there. She walked through a green meadow where two small kids suddenly ran towards her. She immediately hugged and kissed them. The three of them had a wonderful time on this beautiful meadow. They laughed, danced and played. My Grams was so happy. She didn’t want to leave this place. But after a while, the two Babies had to say goodbye to her. They told her, she had to go back home. My grandma didn’t want to, she asked, if she could stay there?... The Babies hugged her one last time, telling her not to worry about them. One day, they’ll see each other again, right here.

Then my Grama woke up and found herself in a bed in the hospital. She knew, her Babies didn’t survive 😟😢 ...... She told me, that she was not immediately sad as she woke up. She was rather disappointed, because she had to leave that beautiful meadow. A few days later my grandmother was back home. At home, she realized what had actually happened. She lost her Babies. 😔

And this dress I found, my Grandma loved when she was pregnant. Seeing me in that dress scared her, because I was pregnant too. She didn’t want to tell me, not scare me. And secondly, she knew that when I learned that she had twins, it would only make me more insecure. My pregnancy was unplanned, what if I have twins too?? So yes, it actually worried me.

Me: Was Grandpa nice to you? I mean, was he good to you? 😟

Grams: Yeah, he took care of me. Don’t worry about me, it’s been over 40 years.... In summary, I can say.... yes, your Grampa was a good man. It wasn't allways easy with him. You know how much he loves his beer. But thanks to me, your grandpa is not a drinker! No matter how long he was out at night with his 2 brothers and buddies. Every morning, I kicked him out of bed to go to work. But when it came to you kids, I could always rely on him... I know you’re still sad about Daniel. I heard you and Nico talking, but ask yourself a question, A.! How will it be in a few months? How do you imagine your future, not your present!! Now everything may seem uncertain and you are sad. You miss & love him. And if you weren’t pregnant, I’d advise you to wait and see about your marriage. Fact is, you don’t know why Daniel decided to leave? Maybe he didn’t see another way? Daniel is a calm, introverted guy. I think he kept a lot of things that bothered him to himself. In addition, he has never learned otherwise. He never really had anyone to... take care of him. Now it’s too late what his parents are trying to make up for. He doesn’t trust them, he generally has difficulty opening up. I think that’s why he couldn’t talk to you. I just want you to understand, that it wasn’t your fault. You can't fix in those few months you were with him, what went wrong for him in the past. And now that you’re pregnant, I doubt you and Daniel have a chance anyway. This will make it all the harder for him, to trust you. That's how things are rn. This is your current situation and you have to decide how you want to continue. Of course, I can’t tell you what to expect with Nico. But one thing I think, I can tell you! No man, no matter how much he loves you, will love your child as much as his Dad does. Daniel would probably try, and if he makes an effort, maybe he’ll be a good Dad for your Baby. But it’s Nico’s Baby. I know you had your struggles with him. But I talked to him last night. And in my opinion, you can rely on him. He’ll give you everything and he loves you. But most importantly, Nico doesn’t do drugs, bella. I know you don't wanna hear that, but this one important detail, is actually enough, to make the right decision, for you and your Baby.

Me: Why do you think I didn’t decide? I'm so happy with N. rn. I really want this with us! But..... yes! I'm still very sad about Daniel. I’m afraid to divorce him. I don’t wanna hurt him. I always feel like I’ve done something wrong, Nico and I, it feels like cheating.... You believe in God. Do you think someone wants to punish me for all I’ve done wrong? I don’t want my Baby to pay for my mistakes.

Grams: God does not punish, he forgives! That’s what it’s all about! Forgiveness. You have to forgive yourself, A.! But you did nothing wrong, honey. You were sad, felt abandoned, alone & broken. And Nico was there. You might think, he was there at the right moment. Where would you be now, if Nico hadn’t come back to your life? You can be honest A.! I’m not gonna be mad. I think I know what happend.

Me: I-....I’d probably be high with Dennis somewhere.

Grams: Who's Dennis?

Me: I met him at Ana's dorm.... We did drugs together. I even almost slept with him, even though I only met him a few hours before that. 😢

Grams: Come here.... You'll be fine. I'm gonna take care of you and your Baby. You're not alone... I'm there.

Me: Yea...... thanks... I'm going over to N.

Grams: Don’t tell Nico what you just told me. He doesn't need to know that.... You two have to get along with each other now and not fight. I think N is the guy for you. I'm pretty sure. And don’t forget what I said, think about the future, not the past. Tomorrow morning, I’ll remove all your wedding photos, you do the same thing in your room. That's rude to N. He didn’t do anything wrong, he was only there for you and I’m glad he’s back with you.

Me: So sorry about your Babies. I won't keep that dress. 😭

Grams: Oh, honey. It's ok. Please don’t think about my twins anymore. It's.... all fine. Afte all, just 2 years later, I got my boys and so you, your sister and M. That’s more than I ever dreamed of.

Agh, this was a lot! Sorry. But everything that has now been mentioned in the conversation between my Grama & me, will become a topic soon.

Previous/Next

[briar--rising]

Extensive non-graphic discussion of suicide (I'm fine, I'm not suicidal, don't worry). Also lots of maternal enmeshment talk

Therapy today was rough. I'm doing so much better in so many ways, but that doesn't mean the trauma is gone lol. I do so well in early spring, and then May and June comes and I can taste death in the air. I won't let it pull me under this year, I refuse to spiral into long-lasting psychosis and lose my progress until next February again. But it's still difficult.

My mother is. Fucked up. Obviously. But something that I realized in today's session was that her dream scenario is still the two of us committing suicide together in the end. And that's. Well. It feels bad.

A few weeks ago she brought up again how she wants to commit suicide when she gets very old/sick, or if the world goes to a very bad place. And the reason she insists on bringing this up with me is that she's very clear that it will be my responsibility to make sure she gets the assisted suicide she wants someday. Basically, asking me to kill her one day. And today was the anniversary of my uncle's suicide, and in about a month it will be the anniversary of my mom's suicide attempt when I was 11, and so it's all just...been on my mind. And we talked today in therapy about how the fact that my mom attempted suicide shortly before my birthday was especially damaging for me, and how basically being the one to find her that day but then not being allowed to see her for a while in the hospital once she woke up was deeply traumatic. And it's all just. Tangled together in my head.

I've known for years that I'll be in charge of making sure my mom gets the assisted suicide she wants, she's made that very clear to me. And I do not want that responsibility, but I just always knew/assumed it would be my job. And I was talking about that with my therapist today and she was like "I think it would be very dangerous for you to do that. You will always have a tendency towards psychosis, and there is already so much tangled up in you and your mother and annihilation and death and loss of self, and I do not think it will ever be safe for you to help her with that." And I realized she was right, but it literally hadn't occurred to me that I was allowed to not be the one to help with that? But like. I don't have to. A friend of hers can do it. My brother can do it. Someone, anyone who isn't me can help her find a doctor and get what she needs someday. I do not have to kill my mother. I do not have to kill myself.

Because I know in her dream scenario we'd do it together, and/or my doing it for her would push me to do it to myself. First of all, she's literally suggested it before. Second of all, she cannot cope with or even begin to comprehend the fact that I am separate from her and that I would dare to live without her. We were talking today about how my mom's relationship feels almost parasitic, like she's drawing on me to sustain herself, and how I was worried that by cutting her off and having increasing boundaries I was hurting her by taking away her access to her life force. And my therapist was like, "No, because those boundaries are real for you, but not for her. Consciously she sort of accepts them, but in her mind you are still completely enmeshed. What do you think would happen if you asked to move back in with her?" And I was like, "She'd be thrilled, she'd start working towards it immediately." And she was like, "Exactly. If she was developing the type of boundaries you are, she would have reservations about her adult child moving back in. But she doesn't have any of those boundaries, and still believes and feels you to be as close as you were, so you're not hurting her by having those boundaries internally, because she will never be able to share them or even truly understand that you have them." So that was helpful, if disturbing in its own way. Bc it also made me realize how deeply enmeshed we still are on her end, and how clear it is from that and from several things she's said over the years including quite recently that she wants us to kill ourselves together someday.

But I won't. I refuse. When she wants to die she can find someone else to help her manage it, and I will not be joining her. I will not let her annihilate me in life or death.

[teethpaste]

It’s so weird how the body will try and protect you like. I am incapable of feeling grief right now. I know it will hit me like a fucking Mac truck in about a month

When I was here in Ireland in July thinking my grandma had days to live, because the doctors told us so, and urged everyone stateside to drop what they were doing and come to Ireland for goodbyes, I was torn up. I was the first one here because I was already in Dublin on business and luckily my job just let me work from Ireland for about 2 months. So that happened. But then she got palliative chemo, and somehow here she is, 5 months later, against the odds in stage 4 lung cancer. I can tell she is so tired. I feel like she was holding on for this holiday and that as soon as I leave Ireland come December 29, it’s going to happen quickly. Which I hate to even write into existence, but sometimes, you just feel it.

And I hope it doesn’t. But I also don’t want her to be in pain. Chemo ravages the body. Her last treatment was over a month ago but the cancer has spread through her whole body and it is wearing her down. She went from still bartending at 77 and going out with her friends weekly + walking the 2 mile trek into town everyday, to finding out she a tumor overtaking her right lung (completely collapsed at this point) from years of smoking. I was sitting with her at the table the other night before I went to the pub, painting her nails, and she asked “can we talk about something morbid”

Things hardly feel morbid these days. So I tell her yes, of course. I feel like I have this desensitized view around death now. Or I’m numb to it. Like my body remembers watching my dad die and is like HEY ITS FINE, don’t be sad in the moment. Because you can’t be. You have things to do. Then you can cave in on yourself.

Anyways, when I told her sure we can, she then got embarasssd and I had to beg a little for her to tell me . She then says “right. Because I know you’ll have the energy to handle”. She just tells me how she wants to be presented for her wake. No makeup, but make sure her eyebrows are done. Hair with a bandana. Jean shirt. Nails painted. Cowboy boots on that she never got to wear in Vegas this year. She starts telling me about where jewelry is and what she wants in a service. I listen and file it away.

I still think I’m stuck on “because you’ll have the energy to handle”. I think about when my dad died, my mom and sister were inconsolable. About how it happened so quickly and we as humans make it very complicated. Do you know how hard it is to transfer a body across state lines? The hospital doesn’t tell you what to do. I had to google so many funeral homes that morning. I think about those people too. The sanitized nature of conversations. The first place I called didnt say any niceties. They immediately went to prices so I hung up. Second place was more of the same and the third place asked me how I was doing and if I wanted to share anything about him. So I went with them. My dad didn’t leave a will so I had to pull the trigger on weather to cremate or bury. I went with the former and was sick for months thinking I made the wrong choice but one day a few months ago my mom found a random letter he wrote, tossed behind his living room chair, where he noted cremation was a better option bc of the $ and finally that guilt left me.

Did you know that when you list you’re an organ donor on your license, they have to call the family? And when they call, there is light elevator music playing in the background, and mere hours after your person dies, a woman with a nasally voice will calmly ask, “May we take his skin and eyes?” I felt like I was in a cronenberg movie. I remember being so shocked at the matter of factness of the question. Being disturbed but thankful neither my mom or sister were doing this part. I remember saying “why would you want that, do you know how he died? How are those parts even usable” and she paused . And “hmm’d” and as she began to speak I said “no we won’t be donating”.

Anyways. I’m trying to be present while I’m here in Ireland for the holidays. I want to cry but I can’t. This is the last time Christmas will feel like Christmas. I’ve never much liked the holiday. But after my dad died I’ve hated thanksgiving and Christmas even more. Being with my grandma here in Ireland makes it feel like that “magic” is still there a little. But I know it will be completely gone by this time next year and I hate that.

I also worry bout my mom and how she’s taking it. She lost her dad in 2023, her husband in 2024 and now her mom’s dying. That’s how it goes I guess. I stayed in tonight but she went out to the pubs with her friends and came home absolutely trashed. She made it up the stairs before I heard her start violently vomiting. It’s always strange when you switch places with your folks. I took off her clothes and got her changed into Pjs. Brought her water and crackers. She laid with her head in my lap as I stared at the wall. Being around this kind of stuff always makes me wonder if I’ll regret not having kids. Like the fact that when I’m her age, and my grandmas age, I’ll effectively be alone. Like yes there are friends etc but I won’t have children or grand children. Just makes me feel weird.

Anyways now it’s 6 in the morning and I’m going on a run in the 22 degree morning air. Bye bye.

[skywarpie]

Some dad copia thoughts/hcs below the cut

He'd always wanted to have kids but was worried that he wouldn't be a good parent bc he didn't exactly have any role models on the subject

( also considered himself unattractive so chances of having a partner were less than likely in his opinion. )

He'd never really given any thought to the idea of the kids being biologically his or not; happy with the idea of just having one

Is still in his cardinal era when he finds out about expecting the first baby. And spends at least a week wrestling with himself if he wants to keep it or not bc he'd never considered being the one to carry it.

After doing research and accepting that he really does want the baby, he stops taking his t-shot since there's risks to the baby if he continued while carrying

Decides to play it off like nothing is happening since he doesn't tell anyone

The ghouls can immediately smell smth different about him but can't pinpoint it

Plays off morning sickness as food poisoning (until he cant)

REFUSES to tell Imperator most of all

If she found out, copia can only imagine what she'd do. Instead suffers through his growing workload in miserable silence

Eventually he can't hide it anymore and the ghoulettes are the first to pick up on it.

They immediately begin pestering him. Making sure he's eating all the right things (even if it is halfway through the pregnancy)

Despite his best efforts to hide it, Imperator picked up on the issue a long time ago. Deciding that as long as he keeps working then it isn't an issue

He's been terrified of hospitals since he can remember (it made having top surgery extremely difficult) and decides to have the baby at the ministry but there's complications and what medical personnel they do have on the grounds end up doing a hack-job of a c-section (@southernshrimpghoul I'm stealing your idea)

But is overall happy that his daughter is a healthy baby

It takes an abnormally long time for him to heal which then DOES become an issue to Imperator and she makes sure copia knows it

Ends up forcing himself to do work while caring for the baby while also trying to heal from a botched surgery (which he thinks is how c-sections are supposed to be)

Ends up getting sick from not caring for himself

The incision does heal after a few months but it's still iffy

Eventually is able to resume his hrt shots

the incision still causes him pain from time to time

Almost 2-3 pass before he has his second daughter and once again the c-section is botched

Only this time it's a lot worse and he loses too much blood bc the "doctor" knicked a vessel or smth

The scar heals even worse and it isn't until a partner points it out years later and he immediately realizes that it was done wrong

Will eventually add more to these as I think of them. Also if it's the half ghoul girls, basically the pack figures it out immediately (more than likely because it's one of theirs.)

[ac3th3shark]

I JUST FINISHED BANANA FISH AND IM IN DENIAL SO I WROTE THIS TO COPE!!!!!

!!banana fish spoilers!!

Eiji's sister doesn't have a name, so I refer to her as Fuku bc that's what the random name generator wanted.

idea: Ash survives and comes to see Eiji in Japan

It had been a little less than a month since Eiji had returned to Japan. His injuries had almost fully healed, and he was able to walk around and do things again. His poor mother had been horrified to see the state he was in when he arrived home. She cried so hard seeing him hurt in that wheelchair. He remembers thinking about how upset he was that Ash hadn't come, but he was sure that he would see him again while his mother thanked Ibe for taking care of him and his father yelled at Ibe for letting him get hurt.

About a week after he arrived home, he got a call from Ibe saying that Max had called him, and Ash was in the hospital after getting stabbed by Lao. Max had asked him not to tell Eiji yet, but he thought that he deserved to know what happened. Eiji wanted to go right back to America to check on Ash, but he didn't. He decided that he needed to stay here for a while before doing anymore travelling and he's confident that Ash would be ok, ash is strong. One of the strongest- no, the strongest person that he's ever met.

He was so worried about Ash, asking Ibe if he knew how he was doing every day. He remembers thinking that he shouldn't of came back until he was sure that Ash and everyone else was ok. He was so relieved when a few days ago Ibe told him that Ash had finally been released.

He was snapped from his thoughts when his mother called his name. He looked up from where he was staring at a page of his book.

"Sweetie, someone's here to see you."

"What?"

"I think it's a friend from America. He barely speaks Japanese, but he kept saying something in English and your name so I figured I would get you."

Eiji tried to think of who it could be. What if Ash had gotten into more trouble and someone had come after him again? now, that was extremely unlikely. But who could it be? Max is too busy with his engagement and planning his marriage. He had heard that Sing was working with Yut Lung now, so who?

"Thanks ma" He cautiously got up and walked to the door that was cracked open.

Upon opening the door, he was met with a familiar face, ash. Ash had come to see him.

He just stood there staring and Ash just stared back. Finally, he worked up the ability to say something.

"Ash..."

"Eiji..."

"Ash!"

"Eiji!"

Ash jumped onto Eiji, bringing him into a tight hug, Eiji hugged him back. They both pulled back a little, staring at each other, both of them crying happy tears. Ash moves one of his hands to Eiji's face, gently pulling him into a soft kiss. They both Smile as they pull away.

Eiji grabs his hand and pulls him inside the house, shutting the door behind them. As soon as he moves his hand from the knob its back around ash and they're hugging again. They stay like that for a while before Ash remembers that this isn't his home and pulls away.

"How are you? Are you ok? I heard that you were stabbed. You just got released a few days ago, right? Why are you here?"

"I'm fine now, I lost a lot of blood and ended up passing out from blood loss in the library but I'm ok now." Ash responds, gently taking Eiji's hands into his. "And I'm here because I missed you."

The nice moment only lasts for a short minute because Eiji suddenly turns around.

"Awwww, Eiji! Your so on-edge all the time since you came back! I can't sneak up on you anymore!" Fuku, Eiji's younger sister pouts.

"Heh, sorry Fu."

"who's that?" Fuku and Ash both say at the same time, pointing at each other.

"Ash," Eiji starts saying in English "This is Fuku, my younger sister." He turns to Face the girl better, "Fuku," he says in Japanese now, "This is Ash, my....Friend from America" he blushes a little when he decides not to tell her that they're dating.

"Hehe! I knew that that charm I gave you would work!!" Fuku laughs as Eiji jumps back a little.

"Ahh, that was intentional!?"

"What did she say?" Ash asked.

"r-remember that charm I told you about? She said that she knew it would work." The red on both of their faces intensifies and so does Fuku's laughter.

"Well, if it's that obvious, may as well just own it." Ash says, "You can introduce me as your boyfriend if you'd like."

"Sure."

And they all three smile.

[jadenightthewriter]

HI HI I am talking abt the au bc my dad woke me up even though I don't have to be up for another 2 hours <3

SO. It is exactly what it says on the tin. Something rewinds time seconds before they find out who boy 412 is. And only the ppl who were on the bridge remember. Why does this happen well idk I uh. Haven't thought abt that <3 potentially the ring wizards being fucky. Anyway this is mostly fine for everyone because they're just. Back at their homes. Marcia takes the longest to realise she's not going insane but that's only bc she lives alone and when alther shows up like what the fuck was that. Then she realises. Marcia pretty much immediately takes action against the custodian because she was afraid to before because of The Consequences but domdaniel becoming eow is the alternative so. The first thing she does is shut down the young army because fuck all that shit and also because they are all extremely worried about boy 412. They try to find him but the only record of a "boy 412" that the ya has says he died 2 years ago at age 14 which obviously isn't right so they have to stop lookig for a little while bc. Things happen (the custodian realises what's happening and lashes out) and marcia is distracted for like a month. The heaps temporarily move into the wizard tower for safety. They shut down the custodian of course and reveal jenna as the princess and everything calms down and marcia is IMMEDIATELY back to searching for boy 412.

And he has been having kind of an awful time <3 when he was suddenly back in the young army he was upset for a few seconds but then went well. Of course none of that was real. That was far too much to hope for. And became even more depressed than he had been when he was in the ya before. He stops eating and doesn't drink very much and is rlly slow to follow orders and if it weren't for marcia shutting down the ya he would have died. He still nearly does bc the orphanages they all get sent to r so busy that no one notices anythings wrong until he faints one day seemingly out of nowhere. And then he ends up in hospital bc he still won't eat (do they have hospitals???? Idk they do now). And marcia finds him there <3 bc she had. Suspected. That he had perhaps lied about being "boy" 412 mostly bc he always looked rlly happy when they called him that or used he/him for him and that's a little bit odd if u r cis. So once everything calms down she goes to look for a girl 412 and well. Yeah she finds him and is very worried and upset and under the excuse of "the wizard tower sick bay could provide better care" she takes him home with her. And actually takes him to the sick bay bc he rlly does look ill and also hasn't been eating or drinking At All. And the sick bay concludes there is nothing physically wrong with him and as long as he just. Eats food normally from now on he should be fine. And then he gets to move in with Marcia <3 and most of the heap kids r there also bc they love hanging out in her apartment and messing with her belongings. There is slightly more to this but I'm leaving it here so I can go back to sleep <33

ohhhhhhh this is absolutely glorious I would have more thoughts but it’s been a long day so the only thing in my brain is “ooooooooh”

[webslingingslasher]

https://www.tumblr.com/webslingingslasher/760007558328107008/j-oh-my-god-ive-missed-you-so-much-has-happened

ok so background: i just joined the senior company at my local volunteer fire station (so i can respond to calls) im not technically an emt yet but im going on calls to observe. the boy (who im gonna refer to as 🩺 because why not, and he’s always wearing his fancy stethoscope around his neck) is an emt as well, a few months older than me.

so the first call i go on i’m observing, he’s treating the patient and we’re both in the back of the ambulance. we transport the patient to hospital, and on our way back he’s showing me the ipad and how we document patient care and stuff. and he’s sitting really close. as in our thighs and sides are TOUCHING. and not just like barely i mean our legs are pressed UP AGAINST each other. and then there’s a part about capillary refill (how fast blood returns to the fingernail and color is regained after pressing down on it) and i forgot what it was so i asked and instead of doing it on his hand he does it on MINE and like, multiple fingers too. and THEN i needed to clean something and need to wear gloves (ppe ‼️) and he asks what size i need and im loke “idk a small probably” and he HOLDS UP HIS HAND TO COMPARE MY HAND SIZE TO HIS.

moving on. next standby we’re both sitting at high tops facing the tv where he’s playing some video game. he starts stomping his foot and i look over and he sees my face and is like “there was a caterpillar” and im like “did you kill it” and he’s all confused and says yes (🚩) and we’re going back and forth for a few minutes bc i was like i would’ve taken it outside bro. later on im bored so i ask about the video game and he’s telling me about it and all that stuff.

up until this point i was like okay, maybe he’s trying to say smth or maybe he’s just clueless and is trying to be nice since we have to work together and we’ve known each other for a little while atp. after last night tho im convinced (and so are all my friends who have weighed in) that he’s into me.

OK NOW LAST NIGHT so a few days ago i had posted a tiktok w pink skies by zach bryan and it was just sky pictures i took bc i love taking sky pictures and i captioned it “yall don’t know zach bryan like i do” and he liked the video (he doesn’t follow me but we are contacts in each others phone so yeah) but last night we had engine room at the ems station (we have 2 stations, one for fire, one for ems, all this happened at the ems station, engine room is just cleaning the room with all the vehicles) and i get there (right at 6:30, literally exactly when it started) and he immediately starts teasing me for being late. THEN he comes up to me and is like referencing my caption being all “only *I* like zach bryan” and teasing me and shit and then we talk for a minute about both liking zach bryan and then i told him the caption was a dig at a girl i don’t like (half true) bc she likes zach bryan and i am a certified gate keeper ‼️ and he’s all interested like “who is it” (background info: he’s a grade older than me, just graduated from the public school i used to go to until freshman year when i switched to private school. the girl im referencing also went to this public school and switched to my private school at the same time as me, and is pretty “well known” in our area.) so i told him like im not telling you bc you might know her, he kept asking so i ended up just telling him and he says he doesn’t know her. so that was that last night.

TOMORROW NIGHTTT we’re going on a little field trip (i’m the only one calling it that because it’s funny) and he’s coming on it, it’s an hour drive away from the fire hall and i don’t know who is driving with who but it’ll be interesting for sure. i’ll give you an update tomorrow if you wish, but that’s everything for now. so yeah, this was long but i hope you enjoyed :D

-🔭

the full body pressing had me leaning in...

the HAND COMPARISON finished it.

like, the man is slutting himself out for you!!!!!!

[all-seeing-ifer]

tell me about "origin of species" and "who's spike" !

ok so who's spike i'm not gonna say much about bc it's a very short and silly comic i've been drawing and i feel like if i say anything about it it will just. spoil the entire joke, so instead have some half finished spikes and drus from it that I like how they're turning out

origin of species on the other hand i will literally yap on about for four billion years bc it is my baby. it's basically an angel au where season 4 still happens but cordy survives - she wakes up from the coma around the time of conviction and just rewards and sticks around this time - and has to deal with the fallout of everything that happened to her as well as everything that's changed while she was gone. it's not quite full psychological horror, but has definitely ended up leaning that way. it's very much about the aftermath of being possessed and turned into a tool of the apocalypse for several months on end and trying to adjust to normal life again and what the hell that even looks like, especially when all your friends are now working for the evil law firm that were once your greatest enemies.

oh, and also lilah's still around as undead liaison to the senior partners, but that's just bc i really wanted to write lilah.

anyway it's hard to choose a snippet to post bc it is currently sitting pretty at nearly 50k (!!!) but here's an early bit I quite like that's also not particularly spoiler-y

"It had been Willow who told her that, a lifetime ago, back in Sunnydale. She’d been dating Xander at the time. Remember Xander? She’d caught herself wondering about him over the past few weeks, now and then. What was he up to now? What were any of the old scooby gang up to? She’d tried to grill Angel about it while she was in hospital, figure out if he knew anything. He’d just told her they hadn’t been in contact with anyone from the Sunnydale gang in a while. Then Cordy had asked him if they were at least, like, alive, and Angel had told her that as far as he knew they were all fine, but Sunnydale had been destroyed in a big battle around the same time that everything with Jasmine went down, and also that they’d done something that meant there were now hundreds of slayers out there in the world. She hadn’t known how to respond to that. She supposed the destruction of her hometown should probably have had more of an impact, but instead she’d just felt a slight twinge on top of the ever-present dull ache in her chest.  Sunnydale was gone. And she was still here."

[auzzzilly96]

Could I learn about your B and James interprets lore 🥺🥺🥺

Errrm well tbh I kinda already said most of the stuff abt my interps the last time I was asked but I guess there r a few more things I could talk abt :3 

Mk sooo more abt B’s whole being way older than he should be thing n more abt what his life was like b4 he got lost in the backrooms. So pretty much he was born in the year 1950 in America around the Texas-Louisiana border[silly goofy projection we will not see more of that later definitely not]. He was pretty poor for most of his life, especially in childhood, but they made it work. He might have had siblings idk, neither does he [boom vague Reagan reference where is my gold sticker/SILLY] He was very close with his mother bc his father wasn’t around a lot, mostly out working bc the whole living in poverty thingg. He actually learned 2 speak japanese b4 he learned english bc that was his mom’s native language so that’s pretty silly :3. Well everything was well and fine for about the next 20 years but then uh oh! B’s mom becomes terribly ill one day and ends up dying a few months later! [how sad] This event is pretty much the catalyst 4 every bad thing that happens in B’s life 4 the next like 50 years. Cuz a bit b4 this he’d found out how to no clip and did it a few times but he was just so distraught in the moment that he just kinda went 2 the backrooms and just walked around 4 so long until he passed out n when he woke up he couldn’t no clip back soo yeah that’s basically his epic backstory yay. On the lighter side this is something I meant 2 explain A WHILE ago but just kinda forgor abt it so sad ik but uhm this dude n his fuck ass jacket omg. Basically his like overcoat thing is like a backrooms artifact n its pockets r basically like tiny little openings 2 an empty pocket [pun not intended] dimensions that just stores stuff n that’s it. As long as something can fit around the opening it can be put in the pocket. That’s y blud was pulling out whole ass water bottles n flashlights from them in my fic [read my fic btw chapter 4 just came out last month] Also this blud is like ADDICTED 2 Almond Water actually………. Like. this guy can’t go 15 milliseconds without a lil sip. Smh this goofy ass guy😔😔[SILLY]…..

Ok now James’s epic backstory yippie 😁😁💥💥!!!!!!! oke so like I already talked abt his sad backstory where he lost his eyes n stuff but ig I'll talk abt what he was like b4 that :3. So basically growing up she was treated as like a child prodigy. Like. VERY good in school. Skipping a couple grades type beat. With her being so “gifted” n all she wasn’t really ever given a chance to be. like. a normal kid. Everything throughout her life up until the “accident” was always just focused on just “being the best at everything™” bc that was the mentality that was instilled upon them by their parents. And oh boy. The parental issue I gave this mf. Unreal. Someone needs 2 lock me up[JOKE]. Bro’s whole life he was constantly told over n over again “work work work study study study get into a good collage be successful be somebody important” nothing but that for like 15 years. Like bro had no friends until the age of 26. shitz crazy[silly]. So like time goes by n he’s successful in school n college n gets his job as a professional chemist. So fun n good she did what she was suppose 2 yippiiee nothing could go possibly wrong!! But then the whole explody eyes go bye bye thing happens [not as fun]. N so now this is the catalyst 4 their suffering yippie <3 [sarc] N it’s kinda ironic bc the reason he ended up being so careless in that moment was bc his upbringing made him so unreasonably confident in his abilities that he disregarded even the most basic of safety protocol. So anyways bro wakes up in the hospital blind, scared, confused and alone. Is told what happened. Is so mortified that she has a meltdown right then n there [things r not off 2 the best start]. Not just over the life long facial disfigurement but also over the fact that they failed. They failed to be the perfect scientific prodigy they were supposed 2 be. N in the process, didn’t just fall themself but failed everyone who ever believed in them[At least that’s what they thought at the time]. Like bro didn’t even get fired he CHOSE 2 resign bc he was so ashamed of himself n what he’d done. a lot of this built up trauma n self resentment is y she’s so attached B n Hashely bc they were rlly like 1st ppl in her life 2 show her any kind of unconditional support or affection. Bc after the accident when she was at her absolute lowest point her parents like just softcore cut her off. Like. she tried multiple times after the fact 2 try n contact them but nothing ever came back so they just stopped trying after a while :( Also kinda related is that I think their hair is like naturally curly but they straighten it bc it being curly reminds them of the past n they HATE being reminded of the past. 

Erm ok kinda ended in a doomer note but erm oh well :33

[idealisticrealism]

TCL 2x12 recap

Yo look who’s back, literally like 6 months after the finale lol. So annoying when Real Life gets in the way of fangirling, but I’ve finally managed to get my priorities straight, so here it is.

For anyone who actually remembers anything about the finale, enjoy lol

Ah what very fortunate timing that Garrett just happens to be coming to see Luca at the hospital (with a teddy bear! Awww. He may be 80% asshole but he's 20% heart lol) riiight as Thony and Fi are led out in handcuffs. But ugh I do love Garrett and Thony's relationship and the fact that despite the way they often antagonise each other, they do always help each other out when they can. But lol at his long-suffering “What the hell did you do, Thony?” because lbr this is just another in a long line of ‘Thony Pulling Shit He Then Has To Fix’ kind of situations haha. And ugh he even tries to help Fiona too, because after learning the truth about Chris and spending a bit of time with them I don’t think he can dismiss them as easily as he used to be able to (because he's finally started to see them as people, instead of just law-breakers– the growth sure is sloooow with this boy, but it's there). But ughhhhhhhh Fiona’s pleading as they load her into the car?? Just crush my heart why don’t you??? (like seriously Martha Millan is a freakin’ powerhouse and we are so lucky to have her). And seeing Thony’s panic, though??? She’s definitely having yet another one of those ‘well shit if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions’ moments lol. She’s been through a few of those in the show– a significant number of which were literally within the last 24hrs lol– and lbr this probably isn’t going to be the last either. Oh Thony. Everything always has to catch up to you eventually….

Oh thank god RK backed out of drowning Nadia. He looks all bewildered and contrite now, like he doesn’t understand how that just happened…. Tbh this dude is legit unhinged, but I mean that’s not exactly breaking news considering some of the shit we’ve seen him do this season lol.  But ugh poor Nadia running for her life through the penthouse and begging Joseph to let her go, but still being trapped– talk about a gilded cage ughhh 

Ngl I got distracted for like 15 mins finding the filming location of the 'hospital', narrowing it down using the fast food signs that you can only just see in the background of one shot haha. But success, now there's another location added to the list. But anyhow ugh it makes me sad seeing Thony holding onto the teddy bear :(  She's still deep in her 'I fucked up' mode, and tbh though it hurts me to see her hurting, it's also kind of satisfying?? Bc she really has just been running around this whole time thinking she knows best– and to be fair, a lot of the time she does, like with trying to stop the ridiculous poisoning attempt– but that just means she fools herself into thinking she’s right all the time, and not listening to others or reaching out for help when she actually should. It's definitely a well-established character flaw, but it has been cool seeing her slowly starting to rely on and trust others more (even if she falls back into bad habits repeatedly lol). But at least she looks contrite here for not telling Garrett about going to Manila to bring drugs back for RK–  and tbh I'm on Garrett’s side here because if she’d told him, they could have busted RK for it, and this all could have been over.  But she was too focused on protecting Luca's medicine to think about the consequences. I mean I can't blame her for not reporting the Fentanyl, because she only found out about that like a few hours ago and she was a little too busy running for her life and then saving Luca to be thinking about calling Garrett to snitch lol.  But ughhhh Garrett’s offer that if they get the drugs and she testifies, she can get new, legal identities for her family– god, it’s everything she’s wanted. Like ok yes, testifying will absolutely mean risking her life; but to protect her family? To have a chance at a normal life without fear? To allow Luca to grow up with every advantage that he is currently denied? She'd do it.  (Though argh Garrett you don't have the best track record of keeping your CIs safe from RK! Maybe he's so determined bc needs this as like a do-over,  to get it right this time)

Ooooooohhhh Thony having to explain to Chris and Jazz and JD about how she got Fi arrested and that she's been working with the FBI. Chris is understandably more forgiving because of everything she did to protect him when Marco died, but Jazz is justifiably upset (She's like 13 and her mom might be about to be deported, of course she’s not taking it well) and ooohhh JD is pissed. I kind of love that he doesn't hold back the truth bombs from Thony–  in particular, that her blind mission to save Luca at any cost is tearing the rest of her family apart. Again, it hurts to see her copping it from all sides, but at the same time she needs it. I adore Thony but she needs to remember she's not alone anymore and that it's okay to trust others rather than try to do everything herself- especially when trying to do it herself and failing can cause a lot of pain for others 

Speaking of trusting others, I am very much here for the little mobster/FBI alliance happening rn with the two opposing power couples (Russo and Garrett, Thony and Arman) teaming up.  Ah, remember the early days when Arman was like the FBI's biggest baddest target? Now they're practically coworkers lol, like he even practically admits to the attempted murder of RK and the feebs are just like 'well that was dumb but whatevs' lol. And I just love this little meeting bc as ever, their priorities are all different– Thony wants to save her family (and absolve her own guilt). Arman wants to protect the two women he loves, including saving Thony from herself. Garrett wants to take RK down for Maya. Russo just wants Kamdar behind bars so she can finally be done with this shit haha. They may all have the same end goal (getting RK the hell out of the picture) but man they are not at all on the same page lol. I also love that literally the moment the feds leave, Thony is immediately back on her bullshit, ready to run straight back into the minefield that is RK’s immediate vicinity, so completely sure that she can manipulate him into giving her the info she wants and then let her walk away unharmed. Aaaand well I guess we can agree she did NOT learn her lesson earlier haha. Oh Thony, you're going to regret this, and lbr as always it's not going to be you paying the ultimate price for your actions. Of course Arman is all like *deep sigh* at this haha. You know that meme with the two kinda cartoony stick figures and one of them is holding the other's leash while the leashed one is on all fours going absolutely feral?? Somehow these two seem to take turns as to whether they're the one holding the leash or the one needing to be restrained lol. To prove my point, Arman is now trying to keep her from going ahead with her terrible idea by offering a terrible idea of his own–  killing Kamdar. Tbh I’m in love with the continued theme of these two of both wanting pretty much the same thing: to protect each other (and their families), yet trying to go about it in completely different and often conflicting ways. And ugh even though Thony's a Buddhist and hates the idea of killing RK (especially when there has already been more than enough killing/death in their lives lately), her biggest objection to the plan is that it could mean losing both Arman and Fiona (via jail and deportation, respectively). Whereas Arman sees it as the only way to definitively ensure that his loved ones are safe. He doesn't intend to be caught and jailed for it, of course, but if it happened, he'd be able to live with that, knowing that they'll be free from RK. (TRUE LOVE,  Y'ALL). And speaking of true love, I'm obsessed with the fact that literally as soon as the feds leave, Armony go from standing several yards apart to having practically zero personal space between them as they argue. Oh you two, please never change lol. And ughhhh the way they look at each other as he says "Do you really trust the FBI to protect you?" bc it carries such an undercurrent of I'm the one that you're supposed to trust. I'm the one who's  supposed to protect you. And ugh his "You don't understand, Thony. As long as Kamdar's breathing, none of us are safe" before he turns and walks away–  he's telling her that he's already made his choice, that keeping them (her) alive is worth any other cost. And hmmmm who does that remind me of? Perhaps a certain mother of a sick son, who is willing to do absolutely anything to keep him safe??? Ngl I love that she's being forced to realise what it's like to be on the other side of the equation… and now the question (as ever) is will she actually learn anything from it haha

Nope nope no seeing Fi in jail is awful. I appreciate that Thony immediately acknowledges that JD is right, and that Fi being in there is completely her fault. Though I do respect that Fi refused to blame her and was like 'we did it for Luca'-- because she loves him too, she'd do anything for him, and now she needs Thony to do the same for her kids.  And heck yeah that she calls Thony out on believing that she can manipulate BOTH Kamdar and the FBI, and that by trying she's likely going to get herself killed. Seriously there’s already so many voices in this ep that are trying to show her reason, but Thony is too far gone down the rabbit hole–  she can't see any way out except forward, so she's plowing ahead despite the warning signs. And despite that it's hard to watch, I love it, because it's so true to her character, and also so true of someone who is cornered in a situation and is completely panicking. Also yeah clearly the lessons of the past 24hrs remain unlearned lol

Ok I love that as soon as the feds get eyes on RK's apartment, Garrett immediately asks if Nadia's okay. Partly because he would hate the thought of another innocent woman being completely at RK's mercy, but also because he knows how important Nadia is to Arman and he doesn't want to see him lose someone he loves. Ngl I love that they're starting to develop a bit of a respect and understanding of one another… (aaaand now I’m gonna ignore the Russo/Garrett flirting in the rest of the scene bc ewww lol)

Okay okay okay I might be about to go on a bit of a spiral here BUT. Hear me out. This whole scene with Jazz being upset that JD didn’t marry Fi, and JD explaining to Chris about the requirements of getting a green card through marriage?? What is the point??? Like honestly what is its narrative purpose in the show– what made the writers decide to include it? Bc like okay it could be just to show how deportation rips families apart, and that the path to becoming a legal citizen is extremely challenging even in very worthy/legit cases. BUT I DON'T THINK SO. As JD explains, he and Fi no longer meet the criteria because she's been arrested, plus she's just been there illegally for far too long. But you know what pair WOULD meet the criteria??? A widow who is only a few months over her visa– which she overstayed due to EXTREME HARDSHIP (the exact reason that JD says can qualify someone for a waiver)-- and a never-actually-married American citizen, THAT'S WHO. Like ok maybe I’m way off base here but I seriously think that the entire purpose of this scene was to a) lay the foundation for us as viewers to know the marriage-for-citizenship idea is actually a possibility, and b) give Chris the knowledge that he can then pass on to Thony, planting the idea in her head that if she and Arman were to marry, she and Luca would be safe from deportation…. I mean c’mon there’s got to be something there, right? I'm absolutely convinced that if Thony doesn't already know about Arman's marriage being void (which tbh I don't think she does; she naturally assumes Nadia got divorced from RK) she's going to learn about it next season, and the marriage-for-citizenship plotline will follow shortly after.  And I mean okay I know I've been wrong in my predictions before, but I've also been right at times, and I feel this one in my bones lol. Watching this scene the first time was like being a kettle slowly boiling until by the end I was mentally screeching ARMONYMARRIAGEFORESHADOWING!!! ARMONYMARRIAGEFORESHADOWING!!!ARMONYMARRIAGEFORESHADOWING!!!!!!! lol

Phew. Anyway. Ugh my precious boy Chris offering to leave his home and everything he's known to go with Fi. But of course she refuses with 'everything I did, I did for you' and ughhh don’t talk to me about the parallels between Thony and Fi and the things these amazing mothers would do for their children. "The best thing you can do for me is to live the life I always wanted you to have" ugghhh why do Fi and Chris always insist on making me cryyyy

Oh Thony. Yet again walking straight into the lion's den… tbh for someone so smart she really does so many dumb things haha. But then again she is damn impressive with the way she can go toe to toe with some incredibly dangerous people and not only be fearless, but can talk them into doing what she wants. And now with RK she selectively uses the truth (the "everything I've done, I've done for my son"/"Arman helped me in the past but you're the one that can help me now, and I need this deal more than anybody"/"I didn't steal from you, Arman did"/"with all the corruption in the Philippines, people don't trust easily") to conceal her motivations and evade his questions. She never outright lies, which means he can't catch her telling one and turn on her. It's very clever (as is Nadia's subtle hint regarding RK's plans for the Caymans) but unfortunately, a man like RK doesn't get to where he is without also being very clever– and very paranoid.  

Lol Garrett you really should have put a tail on Thony to prevent her from pulling this kind of shit, but too late now! Guess you also never learn lol. Also hi there Miranda Kwok having a little cameo like she did in 1x01–  the woman sure likes her luxury vehicles haha

Yassss I loooove Garrett calling Arman because he might be the only one with the information to save Thony.  And ugh even the way Arman answers the phone– there was a time when he would have answered with annoyance or disdain, but now he sounds uncertain, like he knows something is wrong. Probably because Thony is usually the one who does the communicating between them, so the fact that Garrett is calling him directly proves that something bad has happened. And ugh the way he springs into action immediately, probably kicking himself because he should have known that Thony would put herself directly in Kamdar's crosshairs rather than let him go ahead with a plan that was almost certainly doomed to end with him spending a lifetime in prison. They're both martyrs for each other– both clinging to the hope they can walk through fire and come out the other side to where the other will be waiting– and ngl I'm SO HERE FOR IT.  Lol at Garrett trying to tell Arman to stay away though; like did he ever for a second really believe that he could tell Arman–  Arman who became a rat for Thony, who went to jail for Thony, who murdered an innocent woman for Thony– that Thony was in danger and that he WOULDN'T immediately go after her???? Like okay to give him credit I'm sure the likelihood occurred to him before he made the call but he knew that whatever information Arman could give him was worth the risk. And ugh when Arman pulls the caddy up beside him he basically immediately hands him a vest (after making an annoyed comment about Arman not listening to him, of course) and then his "Come on. Let's go pretend to be on the same side" and uggghhhh I love themmmmm. But lbr they have been on the same side for quite a while now, which is the "Protect Thony at all costs" team and I’m obsessed with it 

Oh Thony. Thony ‘The risk I took was calculated, but man am I bad at math’ De La Rosa. You've been incredibly lucky til now to be able to find your way out of some of the worst situations, but I think now the alarm bells (or are they funeral bells?) are finally starting to ring in your head. And suddenly you're thinking Arman was right. Fi was right. Garrett and Russo were right. I should have listened. But it’s too late now and uggghhhhhh RK calls her out on lying to him about the drug interaction that nearly killed him and tbh I wish we could hear more of her trying to explain herself (but the camera is focused instead on my new favourite pair of enemies-turned-allies haha). But ugh then we see her make the mistake, not that there's really any way she can avoid it: she lies.  She lies and he knows it. He’d suspected it before, when she was weaving her story purely with carefully targeted truths, but now he knows, and she has to die. (We've seen repeatedly this season how paranoid he is and how much he hates and fears being lied to). I appreciate that he's not without honour, though; he'd be dead without her, so he grants her her family's lives in return. Joseph too seems to have enough honour that he hesitates before pulling the trigger, and that hesitation is what saves her life and costs him his own– which ngl I'm a little sad about, because I liked him and I always hoped he was going to end up choosing to help Armony take out RK. Anyway I love that it's a team effort that saves Thony's life; not only the two men who care about her, but also she herself, when she knocks Joseph's gun away. The writers could have had Garrett or Arman shoot Joseph the moment he lifted his gun, but they didn't; they had her fight for herself first. This whole show they've shown us time and again that Thony is a fighter, and that she’ll never give up. (The only time she ever refused to fight for herself was when Arman was forced to choose between saving her and Maya, but tbh I think she knew from the start what his decision would be, regardless of what she said or did).

But aaaahh anyway there are so many bullets flying and ugh Arman and Garrett are working so well as a team (my boys!) and then it happens.  One little stumble is all it takes, and it hurts that it's Thony who makes the mistake. It was her fault that they were all there in the first place, and now it's her fault that she and Garrett are stuck in the open, exposed and vulnerable and under fire. And he makes the split second decision– if he crouches to pull her up, all the fire will be directed at them both, making her more likely to be hit. So instead he stands over her and fires back, making himself the target, knowing that Arman will swoop in and get her out of there. And it works! Except there’s just ooooone small problem ugh. Honestly, it’s been what, like 6 months since I first watched this? and I still have trouble believing that a) they really killed him off and b) that I’m actually so sad about it?? I know I’ve said it many times before, but: he was a jackass, but he was our jackass. And though he caused plenty of problems of his own, he was there for Thony when it really counted, especially once they got to know each other a bit more.  And ugh having to watch Thony watch him die, and then to go straight from his death scene to watching Thony walking into the hospital, carrying the bear he got for Luca? Like damn why must this show insist on hurting me. (Ngl though I wish we’d gotten to see more of the aftermath of his death– I would have been very down to see Arman pulling Thony into his arms and comforting her while the body was being carted away lol).

Wait is that the same kindly Filipina nurse who spoke to Fi in the waiting room? If she was an ER nurse she would definitely not be up on the wards with an admitted patient. But whatevs, it's irrelevant. The social services lady barely reacted to Thony coming in, so I guess Garrett must have got in touch with them earlier to clear her. Does this mean that– in regards to her at least– all is basically forgiven and she can just take him home when he’s better?? Or does she just have visitation rights?? This show can be very unclear lol. But ugh all is obviously not forgiven for Fi :( seeing her in jail with the kids is rouuughhh. Her line “Sometimes you need to do what you know is right in your heart, even though other people say it’s wrong” has a similar ring to “Not the right way or the wrong way, but any way you can”; it’s a sentiment we’ve heard from pretty much all the main characters (Arman, Thony, Fi, Garrett) in some form or other, and is definitely one of the major underpinnings of the show. God her teary eyes though and the way that JD is so quick to reassure her that he’ll look after the kids and ughhh why does this show insist on making me cry????

And the trauma isn’t over because now Thony is going to meet with Russo at the FBI, finding her in Garrett’s office which is filled with all his clutter and his photos of his kids and his collection of brightly coloured stress balls and novelty pens, and ugh I love the subtle character details here because now I think about it, he was often tossing around a ball or something in his scenes at the office. Tbh as much as it hurts, I love that Russo calls Thony out on her role in Garrett’s death. She basically says he was a slippery bastard that could weasel his way out of anything before Thony came along and dragged him down with her, and lbr it’s not inaccurate?? I mean he did take stupid risks anyway, and the bad guys probably would have caught up to him eventually, but still.  Maybe Russo is especially angry because she still wonders if Garrett did have secret feelings for Thony, and whether Thony might have taken advantage of that, despite her clearly having eyes only for Arman (Russo isn’t blind; she’s seen them together, seen the risks they’ve taken for each other). Or maybe just having someone to blame helps with her own grief. But even as she calls Thony out for everything she’s done (again, deservedly, because Thony has pulled a lot of shit and has mostly managed to avoid the consequences until recently) she agrees to help her and Fi, because that’s what Garrett would have wanted. Just in case anyone forgot that this is a show about love, and about the lengths people will go to for the people they love (even after they’re gone), here’s a little reminder ugh.  But of course nothing can just go smoothly in this show, so the moment Thony starts to record the statement that will help free Fiona, they discover RK has posted bail and is about to jet off to the Caymans…. and now the race is on.

Lol Nadia is pissed about basically being kidnapped to go live a life of luxury in the Caymans, but like… girl, go with him and then smother him in his sleep and take all his money?? It’s the perfect crime haha. Ngl I do find it funny that he’s all like, ‘you tried to kill me, I tried to kill you, now we’re all good’ lol– lbr the man has never been particularly stable. But oh daaaamn the plot twist of the airport ground crew suddenly turning on them and shooting his guards– I had a brief moment of thinking the FBI had gone completely off the rails with this one before the roar of the motorbike engine made it all very suddenly and very sexily clear. And oh how I love to see my boy winning again, kicking the shit out of the man who has spent weeks tormenting him while he pleads on the ground. The gun coming out was a mix between ‘yessss do it’ and ‘noooo you’ll get caught, leave him to the FBI’ but then he turns and offers it to Nadia and I’m??????  Like at first I was like ‘dude wtf why the hell would she want to do that and have his blood on her hands, that's not a gift'', thinking there was no way she’d want to risk any involvement in his murder– but then I got schooled haha, because clearly a) Arman knows her true nature far better than me, and b) she is still REALLY pissed about the almost-drowning thing. And suddenly I’m remembering the story about her as a teenager, holding a corkscrew to a guy’s neck for stealing her tips, and being reminded that Nadia’s vicious streak runs deep. The look of pure satisfaction on her face is hot intense; Arman may do violent things but as far as I remember we’ve never seen him take pleasure in it, whereas Nadia…. I could see this awakening something in her, a greater ruthlessness in her pursuit of power, but I guess we’ll see…......

Omg the FBI chopper touches down literally only moments after Nadia and Arman ride off, and it seems impossible for them not to have been seen and recognised, but apparently not?? Wow the feds really need to get their eyes checked haha. Though from the look that Russo and Thony exchange, they know exactly who did it anyway– well, not exactly, because they’re definitely both picturing Arman being the one pulling the trigger, but still, they've got a Morales in mind

Damn okay Queen Nadia of La Habana here in her red lipstick and red dress with the shoulder pads looking like she should be sitting on a throne next to Satan himself. Tbh I think I was right about killing RK awakening something in her; this woman looks ready to destroy anything and anyone that stands in between her and her kingdom. And as Arman asks, “So how does it feel, walking in here now, being your own boss? Not having to answer to anybody– not Hayak, not Kamdar…” you can practically hear her addition: Not you. Especially when he uses the words ‘all ours’ to refer to La Habana, and she answers “You mean, it’s all mine.” and the look on her face…. Like boyyyy you created a monster, and heaven help you when you try to walk away from her to be with the woman you love, because she is going to rip you limb from limb. But anyway, all of that aside, literally what are they doing there anyway?? I mean I’m not an estate lawyer, but even I know that there is legit NO WAY that she would be allowed to just take over all of RK’s holdings. He died in suspicious circumstances, which means all his assets would be frozen while the investigation was ongoing– and they would certainly not just be handed over to his estranged wife, particularly one whose current partner is known to have had an extremely hostile relationship with RK and even made a previous attempt on his life. Like in what universe would they not be at the very top of the suspect list here????????

“You said you’d fix this. You promised.” Ughhhhhh this ep is definitely giving me so many satisfyingly painful scenes of Thony facing consequences lol; this time it’s Chris getting rightly furious with her when she fails in her promise to save Fi, blaming her for Fi’s deportation and even implying that Garrett’s death is her fault too. And as much as I wanna hug Thony and make it better, I also feel kind of like a parent who is watching their child learning an important lesson haha. It may hurt, but it’s necessary. I am glad though that JD didn’t join in on the attack this time– lbr he’s already made his feelings very clear to Thony, so now is the time for him to hold the family together, rather than throwing blame. Chris choosing to stay with Thony and Luca despite his anger at Thony is interesting; his argument is that Luca needs him and ‘he can’t keep losing everyone’ which is fair I guess, but lbr I feel like the writers just wanted Chris there at the house with Luca so next season Thony can be off running around with Arman without the audience worrying about her committing child neglect lol.  But ughhhh then Luca wakes and sees them all and asks where Fi is and they all look away and great now I’m crying again

Oh no no no you can’t have this mournful song playing over Fi getting led out of her cell and taken onto the plane, and Thony at Garrett’s funeral watching his son cry and Russo having to hand over Garrett’s folded flag to his widow/ex-wife??? And then Fi crying on the plane and Thony sitting on Fi’s empty bed??  No?? No thank you???????????

Honestly I thought that was going to be the end of it right there, but of course it’s not. Because it always comes back to this; to Thony and Arman and their connection. I love that she marches straight past the long line for entry (clearly business is booming once again, looks like Nadia works fast) and she barely spares a glance for the girl at the front desk, who probably saw her and just thought ‘oh the other boss is here’ lol. And ugh the way he’s mid conversation yet basically senses her there in the doorway and turns, just like he did way back in 1x02 when she brought Luca to him. And she doesn’t bother to come closer, or to say anything at all– just meets his eyes for a second and then turns and walks away, already knowing he’ll follow. And ugh follow he does, without a moment’s hesitation, entering the office only a couple of steps behind her even though it’s clear he’s not looking forward to what he’s about to hear– judging by the thunder in her expression, it’s not going to be fun lol. Ngl I love that she yells at him, bc partly she’s calling him out for his role in Fi’s deportation, which is fair, but bc I feel like she’s also using him as an outlet for her anger at herself (“Fiona’s gone because of you”/”You need to fix this”). It’s the things she feels towards herself as well as towards him, and tbh her coming to him is her fixing it, because she knows she can’t do it without him. She needs him, needs his help not only in regards to his resources and connections, but also just his support, because she can’t handle this burden alone. I love that the first thing he says, the only defense he uses, is that his actions kept them all safe– because that’s what he needs her to understand. Yes, Fiona was taken, but in his mind, her being sent back to her homeland and her parents, alive and well, was not such a terrible price to pay when the rest of them got to walk away knowing they were safe from RK once and for all. Tbh though, I actually think he had been expecting and even hoping for this visit, had anticipated Thony coming to him and making this very demand, because it only takes him a moment before he offers up the solution– like he’s already thought it all through, like he came up with it even before he went to kill RK– and it’s now only a question of whether she’ll agree to it. His “Nadia can’t find out about this” is such a telling statement too, because it shows he knows how precarious his position is; it’s now Nadia who holds the power, and if he crosses her in some way, she’ll shut him out. And then what use would he be to Thony, with no money or resources? There’d be nothing he could do to help get Fi back and make this right, and he’d fear that that helplessness would cause Thony to turn away from him and look elsewhere for solutions, abandoning him now that he had nothing to offer. Of course that’s not at all what would happen– Thony is absolutely just as gone for him as he is for her– but the poor boy still can’t see it, and so he's scrambling desperately for anything that will be able to get her to stay. 

And speaking of how gone she is for him, oh god her reaction to keeping it all a secret from Nadia– you can tell she hates this, hates feeling like the dirty mistress being snuck out the back door to avoid being seen by the jealous wife. It’s another reminder that Arman belongs to someone else, not her, just like the night when he showed up with the keycard after ‘reconciling’ with Nadia, when he broke her heart at her own damn suggestion. And because he’s just as clueless about the depth of her feelings as she is about his, he misinterprets her pain as disagreement with the plan, which prompts this blessed line: “Thony, unless you trust me (…) in how I do this, I can’t help you” and god I am NEVER getting over that tiny pause after ‘trust me’, because it’s not just about trusting his plan. It’s about the fact that he feels she lost faith in him, that somewhere along the line she stopped trusting him and looking to him as her protector. She’d trusted him 100% though the heist they’d pulled on Hayak and Noah, enough for her to stay around even when he’d been in jail. She’d trusted him at the motel when they’d dealt with the manager. She’d trusted him when she’d agreed to help him move the drugs, and trusted him after Cortes' death when he’d said they would find a way together to trap RK with the drug deal and satisfy the FBI. She’d still trusted him even after he’d had to murder Maya. But then he’d been left with no choice but to follow her suggestion and go back to Nadia, and suddenly the distance between them seemed to keep widening, with her need to protect her family and his need to protect Nadia putting them repeatedly at odds, and then Luca got sick again and she turned to Kamdar for help instead of him. In Arman’s mind, Thony had pulled away from him after he’d gone back to Nadia, even though he had only been following her direction and he’d only done it because there was no other way. And so now he practically pleads for her to trust him again, and she pauses for a split second, staring at him, before giving the answer that nearly knocks him off his feet: “I never stopped trusting you.” And damn, with the intense way these two are looking at each other, it’s easy to wonder if this conversation is really only about trust... because right now ‘trust’ sounds a hell of a lot like it’s just a placeholder for another very strong emotion, and the way he stares at her when she tells him she never stopped? The tone in which she says it, like he’s a fool for thinking she ever could have stopped? Like ok look I may be waaaay down the rabbit hole here but I simply can’t watch this scene without feeling like the subtext is being screamed so loud that it’s drowning out everything else

And don’t even get me started on how she says she knows he did this to protect her. Her. Not ‘us all’. Just her. Because it’s the truth, isn’t it? He might have said things about ‘none of them’ being safe until RK was dead, but we know who his real concern was; the woman he had never even wanted RK to know about in the first place, and definitely never wanted him to meet.  And honestly, look at the timing– it was only after she drew RK’s attention (back when she delivered the money, she was easily dismissed as a nobody, but when he learned that she was causing division between Nadia and Arman, she very much became somebody of great interest) that Arman became determined that RK needed to die, especially after RK showed he wouldn’t hesitate to kill her, and after she’d had to send her whole family away to protect them while she stayed behind (“Kamdar’s watching me, I can’t run”). He’d wanted RK dead for a long time, but would have never risked attempting it, not until RK threatened the one thing that Arman would go to absolutely any lengths to protect. And ugh the way she holds his gaze so directly as she tells him she knows he did it to protect her, and then: “You have to understand. I need my family back.” like she’s telling him she can’t focus on anything else, or anyone else, until her family is reunited and she’s been absolved of the guilt she currently bears. I know lots of people were disappointed with this scene because there’s no physical contact and no outward declaration of feelings, and as much as I would have died over that, I still love this scene because of its intensity, and how it feels like a conversation within a conversation, showing how well these two know and understand each other that so much can be said while actually saying not much at all. 

But okay excuse me I was not prepared for my dream of Mob Boss Thony to suddenly become a reality already??? Like god the way she carries herself is so different, her voice so cool and unaffected as she stands in front of these two uniformed men– these IMMIGRATION OFFICERS, literally the very people that she as an illegal immigrant has been hardwired to fear– and basically tells them that they work for her now. And then she tells them that she’ll be bringing someone back into the US with her??? And then just walks right on out of there, absolutely rocking her power outfit (what’s the bet that she was thinking of Fi’s advice from back when she had to go meet with Cortes, about looking the part so she could feel the part) and oh god Arman is there by the caddy waiting for her; her partner and her protector, keeping the promise he made: that they would see this through, together. Don’t mind me I will just be over here making dying whale noises into eternity

Anyway okay like I said, I really do get why some fans were disappointed with this finale, because sure, I also would have loved to have seen some kind of physical Armony interaction (ngl, the lack of a kiss this season did catch me by surprise, but tbh it also makes sense given the circumstances). But man, what we did get in terms of Armony interaction was intense and layered and sets us up for such an amazing payoff for next season. And that was something that really struck me, all through this episode– the entire thing feels like a second act. I hadn’t realised how used I was to each individual season of a show kind of having its own little self contained feel to it, because this??? Watching this, I became utterly convinced that after S1, the showrunners actually wrote and pitched the plot of S2 and S3 to the studios together, and right now we are just halfway through that story. Like yes S2 had its own arc, with Armony being caught between Kamdar and the FBI, and if needed the ending could stand on its own with the two of them literally driving off into the sunset together with a plan to make everything right, but tbh the whole thing also has the feeling like we just watched a chessboard being set up with all the pieces being put into place, and now the game can start. Honestly the writing and planning in this show blows me away and I can’t wait to see what S3 brings us ugh

Okay anyhow that’s more than enough rambling from me, so if any of you made it through this after several months of hiatus: cheers and I’ll see you in September haha