#bc that's how it goes when you experience things.
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more homicipher human au hcs for the other characters (the ones in the hospital w human! mr. crawling)
mr. silvair
he’s a research assistant at a very low-key, borderline abandoned hospital. he likes doing crazy experiments during his downtime, so he didn’t want to study at a top-class hospital with high demands.
he wears a lab coat and tinted safety goggles at all times, hiding and protecting his eyes.
he’s not a paranormal enthusiast like mr. scarletella, but he does keep up with the news. he’s personally very fascinated at the increase of dead bodies around the area. helps with his research.
he’d love to get a hold of a real monster one day. not for any noble reason like handing them over to authorities, but to experiment on them.
lo and behold, one of the patients in the hospital, mr. crawling, brings in someone who looks suspiciously like the serial killer wanted by the police at the moment. how exciting.
mr. chopped
a cheerful patient from the hospital. he’s paralyzed from the neck down due to a series of incidents. he’s only alive due to the results of mr. silvair’s unethical medical technology.
while he’s a little insecure about needing help from mr. silvair and other medical staff, he remains pretty positive about his situation.
since he can’t move much, he’s very particular with the things he can do to himself, like getting a haircut. it makes him feel a lot better.
enthusiastic about the mc’s arrival. if you help assist him, like feeding him or even combing his hair. he’ll be eternally grateful.
he especially enjoys it when he’s being wheeled around on his special wheelchair. he’s also pretty well versed around the area, so he can tell you where things are if mr. crawling isn’t already helping.
mr. stitch
he actually works at the hospital. but because that hospital literally has no standards, he gets away with doing stupid stuff like pranking the patients and sneaking in funny toys to kill his boredom.
he looks like a patient despite actually being a staff member bc he’s gotten several skin grafts through the years. what can i say? he’s a reckless guy.
he often bothers mr. crawling, but mr. stitch thinks they’re friends.
he’s actually quite lonely. a lot of his old friends in school shunned him because his pranks went too far. he just wants to make people laugh…
so when the monster!mc enjoys his pranks, he tries his best to come up with crazier ones to get her to laugh some more.
he thinks she’s really fun and believes he found a like-minded spirit in her.
but when he does pull the crazy bus prank on her, mr. crawling goes ballistic. mr. crawling wasn’t all that bothered by mr. stitch up until he decided to mess with the mc.
the incident leaves him with the need for another skin graft. this time, courtesy of mr. silvair.
other human au hcs for more context:
#no drawings this time#got lazy#share your own hcs as well! i love hearing them#homicipher#homicipher au#mr silvair#mr chopped#mr stitch#homicipher mc#mr. stitch#mr crawling#mr. crawling#mr. silvair#mr. chopped#mr scarletella#mr. scarletella
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is it weird that I sometimes feel like I'm "not fat enough" to feel like I deserve the "fat bodies are beautiful" speech? like....I'm fat, I'm definitely fat, I have a 45 inch waist and an apron belly. but it's "only" a 45in waist....idk...it feels like a dumb thing to feel but here I am...knowing I'm fat but going "but not fat enough to experience fat positivity" especially bc I've been losing weight....sorry for the ramble I've had this thought for a while
I can't mentally translate that number to an idea of what you look like, but I can still answer this regardless. You deserve fat positivity. Your body deserves positivity. You deserve to not hate your body. And this goes for you no matter how fat you are because this goes for all fat people of every size. Even if your mind wants to convince you you're not fat enough to count, guess what? Midsize people deserve fat positivity too. Midsize people deserve to not hate their bodies either. So, whether you're fat or midsize doesn't change the fact that you deserve positivity. If you'd like to try these tips, I have some coping mechanisms that may help you. The first coping mechanism you can try is to add beliefs to your mind rather than subtract. It's not easy to delete that "I'm not deserving of positivity" belief. So, instead, you can tell yourself "Everybody is deserving of positivity" when your mind is trying to drag you down. That new belief helps you out-logic your old belief while not forcing you to pretend that old belief is gone. Another coping mechanism you can try is to write down fat positivity and positive phrases about yourself on sticky notes and put those sticky notes around your apartment/house. You can put some sticky notes on the fridge, on the door, on your dresser, wherever you'll see the sticky notes. Eventually after reading those notes every day for some time, it will become easier to believe what those sticky notes say.
I hope this answer will help you. Your body is already "enough" to deserve love and compassion.
-Mod Worthy
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oh, sweet religion. the potential of a cgcu heaven and a cgcu hell. like 90% of the characters are being sent to the realm of fire and brimstone, including wayne.
i have little to no thoughts on the afterlife itself. i don’t know what happens after you die. but heaven and hell? i can work with that. wayne isn’t making past the pearly gates.
so in those brief moments between his death and rebirths (plural is crazy) (like was jesus even resurrected that many times? idk i’ve never read the bible) he’d experience hell. the worst torture known to mankind. not dissimilar to what he put cam through, for “i like torturing my favs” crowd (it’s us we’re the crowd).
for the first time ever, wayne was scared. even though his visit was brief, it still terrified him. he experienced real torture for the first time, raw fear and pain and nothing else. when he was brought back, he was relieved. so fucking relieved. he took a brief break, bc yk. just got back from being resurrected. needs time. but maybe, cam wants him to keep pranking. and he does, just less on cam and more on the other characters. he can’t risk going back to hell.
but when he goes off and pranks justin (top ten biggest mistakes in history and it isn’t 2-10!), he’s scared again. he doesn’t want to go to hell. even though he’ll probably get resurrected again he still doesn’t want to risk it. he can’t go through it all again. he can’t.
riffing off your ideas, i don’t truly believe wayne thought his situation was that serious. maybe, deep down, he understood. but he tried to make light of his situation. he didn’t treat it seriously, as he does with most things. so he tried to escape. sure, justin was prepared for everything, but wayne didn’t think so. he underestimated justin. he knew that there was a chance he could get caught and he was a bit scared of what could happen if justin found him, but his confidence took over. he tried to get out, but he was too reckless. justin found him and forced him to watch a cloning process. safe to say that was a huge wake up call for wayne. again, wayne felt true fear. what would happen after he’s taken over by the microchip? would he be sent back to hell? that thought terrified him.
the showing of the cloning process, i think justin would be selective on that. if they tried to escape, and if justin thought it would ruin their morale, he would. otherwise he’d just do some other method of making them stay. what that method is idk go ask justin.
and the gap between his second death and second revival had to have been longer, right? jctm1 takes like 1 day but we don’t know how long it takes for robin and max to figure out richard has god on speed dial. they probably took a small break or something to digest the justin stuff too. either way, it’s the longest wayne had been dead. and he’s more fearful then ever. you think at some point he might become desensitized to all the pain, and maybe that’s true. maybe he gets used to it, but physical isn’t the only form of torture out there. his mind keeps him occupied. he thinks of everything he’s done. he thinks of how he’s hurt everyone he knows and that this is all deserved. all these feelings he hid deep down, for the first time, surface. they all bubble to the top, and it’s all wayne can think about. his mind is torturing him.
i think i’ve said this before but cameron doesn’t like wayne at all, he only keeps him around for views n stuff. he doesn’t kill him because he doesn’t have a valid reason to other than “he’s annoying”. he came up with the perfect excuse to do so, but he brought wayne back. and wayne died again. and he was brought back again. it’s a cycle of wayne going tufar, getting killed, and being brought back. if that isn’t suffering i don’t know what is.
AAAAAAAAA JUSTIN CASE UPDATE??? WHAT THE FUCK WHY DID HE JUST POST RHE SPOILERS TO THE NEXT INSTALLEMENT OF THE STROY RIGHT THERE INSREA DOF BEING LIKE YEAH IM DOING IT IM KILLING CAM RN FUCK ME (ron intended)
anywayssssss
nathaniel is dead, not very skibidi sigma of him at all but i’m not too surprised, cam’s been trying to get rid of ol’ nathan for a WHILE (besides, look at his last name. it was inevitable)
cam added a mary sue self insert oc that’s basically a god into the cgcu who’s summoned by racism and sexual jokes. damn.
i get the ending and it’s alright, but also seems anticlimactic. like cam shows up and tells justin “dude you’re a fictional made up character on the internet you’re already immortal 💀” and justin’s like “oh fr then ig i’ll stop” which isn’t that satisfying at all. i don’t like that ending the discord’s ending (ask me for an invite link if ur interested in the server, we’re all very cool) is much better since yk. it has actual character development.
personally? i don’t like this ending much and i am unsatisfied. it might be better if he actually posts it but i still don’t like it much. if only…….i finished the goddamn animation……..ughhh
also……….max? whipping it out? right there? cam you better film this part or else /hj
#wayne has committed like every sin ever (except sloth and probably lust)#oh wayne…they’re going to have to build another circle of hell just for you#cameron gender#me when i’m just a toy to you my love just a thing to play and then throw away /lyr#ok but now that i do think abt it this feels very “a human’s touch” by twrp#not very it’s actually a little#max is a little freak i wouldn’t be surprised if he just carried it everywhere he went like his keys#also#Immortal Wayne in the sense that he keeps getting resurrected#Wayne isn’t scared of death until it actually happens#<<<THIS?????#OH WOWOWOWOWOOW#my thoughts exactly#he’s immortal#cam essentially made him immortal#he still fears death#sure cameron will come back in and save him and patch him up but he’s still traumatized#wonder how far cams god powers go. if he can erase memories maybe he can untrauma wayne#schrödinger’s shithead. don’t ask me what this means i don’t know myself
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even glancing at stuff in trimax volume 10 sent my gut wrenching & i had to flip away from it fucking Quick but the volumes after that sent me fucking wild
i think im gonna reread all the stuff post-volume 10 again. probably necessarily considering i read all of it on like no sleep after an inadvisable all nighter & trigun binge which Included me reading volume 10 and fucking bawling my eyes out 5 times
yea. i missed some things. also i just rly fucking love this part of the story so Yea
also just. look at him. Look at him. this is one of my favorite fuckign panels. i need to experience this agan. i need it sooo fucking badly
im gonna reread it. soon.
#speculation nation#trigun spoilers/#itnl shit#it's also like. itnl vash is late trimax vash sent back in time. THIS is the vash i need to be paying most attention to for characterizatio#though he's already picked up more experiences. he's a little different from back then. a lil mellowed out yet a little Not#the pressure of everything has certainly changed him. and so did 4.5 years of solitude.#not like it had a massive change on him. but it was still time he spent thinking and thinking and thinking#time spent grieving and planning and dreaming. so much fucking time.#so yeah he Is a little different than he is in late trimax. and he will Continue to change.#bc that's how it goes when you experience things.#man... late trimax vash feels so... aching. to me. he's just fucking Aching. his every smile looks so sad.#and of course. of Course. this is immediately after Everything. and he's just trying to push himself on. focus on his purpose#if given time to think and grieve... what would things be like? what would it be like if he had to process all of this Alone?#that's what itnl is. a vash that was beginning to change but Because Of Circumstances he went back into his shell#struggles to depend on anyone bc it feels like there's no one he Can depend on for this. not truly.#he's leaning on Luida now for logistics and help with his plans. but Emotional help? he doesnt fucking have that#gonna have to relearn leaning on people. Yeah . yeah...#im having a lot of Vash Thoughts tonight. help
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A belief in Nominative Determinsim
#mira & isa sitting at the other side of the room: oh that cannot be a healthy rationalisation. someone should deconstruct that QUICKLY...#change's strongest soldiers VERSUS one guy echo chambering themselves about a susperstition-based retributive model of the world. GO!!!#isat spoilers#isat#isat fanart#isat siffrin#isat loop#sifloop#sloops#in stars and time#in stars and time fanart#lucabyteart#hey look now. this is softer than usual isnt it? ignore the. ignore the subtle damnation of blame unto the self. its fine. theyre fine#this is in fact a slight adaptation of that headcanon of mine i linked! yep! turns out the way to comic-ise it was to. make it like#90% speech bubble and get kinda weird with the formatting. it's clunky and experimental but hey. im experimenting.#the next ones gonna have even more fucking speech bubbles if it goes how im planning. christ#then its gonna get followed up with something wordless so. all things in perfect balance.#DISCLAIMER: i like to write loop and siffrin displaying the maybe not so great logic-holes their seeming fear of 'retribution for not#sticking to (the script) what the universe intends for them' entails. i do not agree with their weird philosophising.#i in fact think this is . bad for them. and am exploring how fucking unhealthy their mindset seems to be even when 'mundane'#OCD siffrin real as hell whats with the doing arbitrary actions in specific ways lest Something Nebulously Bad Happen little dude?#anyway if you caught the extremely blunt symbolism of kissing a hand with a knife in it you win a prize! it's called self-satisfaction 🎉🎉#hmm. do people realise i kept calling this type of back and forth between siffrin and loop a socratic dialogue bc socrates was also just#arguing with himself? like he was just making up the other guys. complete thought experiment. i also call them that because theyre WORDY!!!
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“if she doesn't want to be called dude i won't call her that” - you are assuming you and your friends read as people trans women feel safe enough to speak up to, while already demonstrating you don't take other people seriously enough.
Your habit and lack of self restraint/awareness matter more than common sense i guess. Like i would never call a transmasc “girl” because that would seem like obvious misgendering, but it's different for trans women apparently.
#see now#as a black person dealing w white people bullshit i understand the hesitation to Speak Up when u are the minority in the room#it's a roll of the dice and you never know how it's gonna go. will they listen? will they double down? will everyone turn against you?#every person you need to confront has the potential to blow up on you and for the situation to get blown out of proportion#but in a way that goes back to it being your fault for speaking up and ruining everything to begin with.#and when i see y'all say shit like “well im gonna keep calling trans women dudes unless they specifically ask me to stop”#i always think about that in comparison. y'all are putting trans women in this position over and over again and acting like#there isn't a glaring power dynamic that would reasonably make a lot of trans women choose to bite their tongues and#take it especially IRL. the thing too is i don't even mind it Myself but the way that y'all insist on doing it despite so many#trans women asking you not to repeatedly is so 😐 the power dynamic thing seemed obvious to me but maybe most of#y'all in the “dude is gender neutral camp” are white lol. y'all REALLY need to do better#lol now I'm thinking more about my irl experience and maybe it's been significantly less annoying bc i surround myself w poc
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the 14 year old edgelord in me keeps trying to compose deep poetry about coming to after dissociating. calm down babes. we’re all good here.
#blue chatter#just. the experience of blinking into existence becoming associated with ice in my mouth#and how it’s becoming a pattern that the first visual thing I process is a hand in front of my face#At least that I remember. I’m sure other stuff happens but my memory is unsurprisingly v blurry after#I feel bad for making my roommate take care of me so often#but I super cannot control when I dissociate#and I do genuinely need the help#bc today I was home alone and it took a loooooot longer to break out of the blurry stage#I somehow didn’t think to get ice about it until I was in the middle of the grocery store an hour after the episode had ended#I want to be more independent about this so people don’t have to take care of me all the time#it is relieving to know that I can live with friends after grad school#so *someone* can be around usually if something goes wrong and I’m not cognizant enough to help myself#but I don’t wanna make them feel like they have to help me or put that on them#or like. freak out their kids. their kids are not raised remotely like I was and they’re rly young so they don’t rly understand this.#how do you explain trauma to a three year old whose parents are incredibly good at gentle parenting#idk. I’ll figure it out. hopefully with time and therapy I’ll be able to process my trauma enough that I won’t be like this forever.#I don’t wanna be like this forever.#I want to go to grad school and start practicing in clinical psychology and help people#and be independent and be able to support my friends instead of the other way around
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we are so fucking back. despite intending to go into vlr/ztd spoiler free i could not handle it anymore and ended up spoiling myself on a few things (...not everything bc its Mostly just related to characters I care abt and im gonna try and gaslight myself into pretending I didn't see it anyway).
but oh my fucking god clocking phi as transfem in the first hour of vlr was some incredible foresight because she is even more transgender than I thought
original post here if anyone wants to see it or my additional reblog but god. im crazy
#trevor.txt#okay obviously i know how this conversation goes later and it's about phi actually having red hair but dying it#but something about the phrasing of it all is kind of. Okay#plus she specifically says she dyes it white because she doesn't like how it looks red#and plus the framing of the character models - from a filming perspective Even Tjough They Are Kind Of Ugly makes it sound like she's going#to reveal something much bigger than just I Dye My Hair Guys. maybe thats part of the joke but like. stick with me here#also it is kind of a stereotype to be like trans = dying your hair but i did. mine's dyed partially blue. i know SEVERAL other trans people#who have or want to dye theirs#^ which is kind of just a funny concidence but also like. has a lot to do with your sense of identity too? cutting/dying your hair for a lo#of trans people is kind of like. a huge part of transitioning or whatever. if this makes any sense because i sound somewhat crazy here? but#it def plays into gender euphoria/dysphoria commonly#in regards to the second point: kind of a weird trope i've seen a few times but when you view it through a transfem lens#it comes across as a gender dysphoria thing a bit#i would know from my own experiences. like it's obviously kind of the other way around bc im a trans Guy but like...#and then the last image. okay man. this was in the trivia section for ztd.#i don't even think i have to explain that one#anyways i sound a bit crazy with this but like. does anyone understand me. do you get it.#zero escape#zero escape phi#zero time dilemma#ztd#phiposting
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...
#its sort of funny. i think my medication is working pretty well. i feel stable in a way i never really have before#is it the dopamine stablizer or is it my ion channels? whos to say. it doesn't matter. but it also doesnt change some things#the ways i think and react negativly to change. but it makes it easier to deal with. i still experience this strange dispaire on the#weekends or anytime im not working. i think the oddest thing is thst i dont think ive ever been this consistenly sad#not in a depressed sort of way. just a passing thoughts make me tear up sort of way. it doesnt feel out of control. it just feels like a#prelude to grief i guess. bc my mum is still in the hospital and its so hard to kno what that means from halfway across the country#my sisters are both home right now. they both live within 3hrs of where we grew up. one sister lives in the city my mom goes to for#treatment. so they have the opportunity to see her more than me. i dunno if they do tho. we dont really talk. i dont kno if they're as sad#as i am. if im overreacting bc i cant physically see what's happening. what the feeling is in the room. not that she would probably complain#shes the suffer in silence type. my dad keeps texting us pics of our shitty lil sunroom that hes redoing#to make my mum a lil sanctuary. he must be sad too. its his wife. hes staying with her in the hospital rn. i dunno its so weird#when i talk to my counselor she assumes i find out info thru calls or talk to my sisters abt it and i gotta b like nah we dont really talk#i get my info thru text. i havent talked to my parents on the phone in like a month. i dunno we just dont talk. so i dont kno how to reach#out and be like yo so whats up? shoulf i plan on coming home this summer for a bit?? like???#this is the disadvantage of leaving thr place where you grew up. probably when i finish my phd i should move closer to home#somewhere in the Appalachian mountains maybe. somewere in the eastern deciduous forrest. somewhere with thunderstorms.#but thats years from now. who knows what ill b doing. for now im just sad and tired and i dont quite kno what to do in the short or long#term bc im feeling the weight of my mental limitations rather intensely. but maybe im just being self limiting#whatever. i dont have a dead mum yet. shes not even on hospice care. things are just uncertain and dont look so hot#i just dont see how it can get better from here when chemo gave her secondary blood cancer and shes still full of tumors#i dont think im being that dramatic. it just objectively seems not great for survival#unrelated
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.
#vent#vent post#cw negative#Seven’s Public Diary#wish i wasn’t so fucking worthless and useless and stupid and selfish and mean#i am just so goddamn sick of my own bullshit. but i never change#i’m so tired of being weighed down by my 56492 mental illnesses. i don’t like being like this#my sleep schedule is so fucked up again and im tired of this constant cycle#this constant fight and endless effort to stay on a goddamn routine#all i want for christmas is a goddamn consistent sleep schedule#i hate sleeping through the day and being up all night but it’s like my body was fucking built for that or something#i don’t like it!! i want to be an early bird who goes to bed at 8pm and wakes up before the sun rises!!! but im the exact opposite!!!!!!!#i wish i just didn’t need to sleep at all. that would be the ideal. so many problems would be solved.#no i Really wish i just had the ability to fall asleep and wake up whenever i actually Want To instead of my body calling the shots#fell asleep at 9 this morning and im so mad that i didn’t get up when i was woken up at 11#a 2hr nap would’ve been fine and i would’ve made it through the rest of the day and been able to fucking sleep again tonight#but noOOooOoOo i had to give in to the allure of my warm cozy bed and fall back asleep for 9 more goddamn hours#now once again im too awake and rested to be able to go back to sleep. but once morning rolls around im gonna be exhausted again#and i’ll either give in and attempt to take a ‘nap’ and it’ll turn into a 12hr sleep again#or i’ll have to like. walk laps around the fucking house just to keep myself awake through the day#and i’ll be super irritable as a result and make everyone around me miserable too#but everyone is already beyond fed up with my issues and behavior. rightly so i guess. so i lose either way#god there was so much stuff i was gonna/supposed to do today#i don’t know how much longer they’re gonna put up with me being such a deadbeat#you think that’d like. motivate me to get my shit together or something but no. i’m addicted to being unconscious i guess#sleep feels so fucking good. until i wake up. which is funny bc it’s all nightmares and stress dreams anyway. why do i even enjoy sleeping#i guess bc for the first few hours after waking up i experience some modicum of relief from my other mental illnesses’ symptoms#like a soft reset.#and it’s the Only thing that gets rid of my migraines so god forbid i get one of those bc then i Have to sleep regardless of the time of day#anyways! :) that’s enough whining for one vent post. time to go do something productive
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christ it hits me a lot how shit I was treated by lull and how much I thought that was normal. Lev set up a study room in my house, and... he said I can come in because I was sort of obviously asking the question without even knowing I was asking, like I wanted to ask the question but knew it'd be a no. Why did I know itd be a no? Well a study space is a serious space for actual academic and general people who do work to use, full of books and journals that both aren't my business and will be easily messed up if I touch them, and there's no reason for me to be in there anyway because I don't do work, a study is only a space for normal people and not people who mess everything up and - how do i know this? Oh I mean because lull - yeah
#It drives me up the wall how lull constantly pulled ''Black is abusive and that's why I'm fucked up and if he tells me off it's actually#abuse'' when like. Lull was out there hunting down Black's lives and Black just goes ''oh fuck I trust you idk why you'd lie about#something serious like that I guess I AM abusive'' lull is the abuse in the room with us now. or is it that I touched your books#and messed up the cleanliness of the desk and now you're having a minor breakdown because I ruined your image in front of others#It was literally just a fucking cover because lull did fucked up things and when Black went hold on. Did you do that? Lull would be like#No and you're so fucking mean to me you're horrible you're fucking abusive you're controlling you're -#One of us is here trying to live and give you both space and everything we have. The other one... Is trying to literally get in bed#and marry unknowing unawakened lives of the other before they can wake up to who they are and grooming and manipulating#and fucking them up. Bruh. You wouldn't let me do things like be an equal to you and go near you stuff without mental punishment#and I said oh god OK I'm sorry. I won't do that. And yet somehow I'm abusive and controlling and... I mean I said it already that was a#cover. it wasn't meant to make sense lmfao it was a specific tactic tailor made for us like all the tactics are tailor made for each victim#But anyway. Seriously. I'm scared to go into Lev's study. I'm standing in here anyway bc I need to get over it but like#It's wild to me - oh. I was sitting asking why I'm so trained about not going near his study like ''man why this though why#was this such a bad thing to do when it's not that serious'' because /all his fucking notes and diaries and records of the fucked up shit#he was up to/. I wasn't allowed to see his books and records on manipulation#The fuckin Dossiers he kept detailing specific manipulation tactics and experiments done on people's results and shit#I wasn't allowed to see all the papers and shit he had on psychological torture and shit#Bruh. It always makes sense in the fucking end doesn't it#ramblings //#astral diary //#Diary //
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transfem furries hornyposting online about the relatively niche/"out there" things they're into have inadvertently helped me accept myself more than the body positivity movement of the 2010s ever did
#this will not be rebloggable because i don't want people to get transmisogynistic in the notes#it's just something i've been thinking about lately#i hope i'm not like out of line for saying this please let me know if i say anything disrespectful#i just have a lot of love in my heart for transfems; especially those who log on to this website to be gay on my dash and do their thing#trans wlw being proud of their identities helped me come to terms with my own in a way. idk how to properly explain it but#idk. our experiences are very different - you have to fight to be seen as a woman and i have to fight not to#(though that is part of my identity in most cases people would use it to negate the rest)#(and of course none of us should Have to fight that but. i hope it's clear what i mean lol)#and idk like. womanhood is not achieved painlessly for you and yet so many of you embrace it so beautifully and in so many ways#it makes me want to accept that part of myself i thought i had to kill for so long#i am not entirely a woman but i love being a woman and loving other women-#platonically romantically sexually it doesn't matter#i'm so grateful i get to share a community with you all and read/hear/watch your thoughts and experiences and such#which goes beyond sex stuff but sex stuff is a particular personal struggle of mine and it's something i've been trying to cultivate a more#healthy relationship to lately. and i also know that unfortunately transfems get treated even worse than everyone else when it comes to#kinks or whatever. i don't mean to imply that everyone has to be open about that stuff. i just mean that i'm grateful for those who bravely#and proudly are. anyway i'm losing my train of thought bc i'm packing for a trip and i'm a little scattered atm but the point is#transfem wlw i love you dearly thank you for existing#[oh also this post isn't meant to bash body positivity stuff and i know it's not all the same. it just often felt too sanitized and forced#for me to relate to. ok bye]#finielspeaks
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i have beef with the concept of data in kh but anytime i see someone talk shit about it i get so mad
#its the petty#i am a recoded defender#grabbing people by the shoulders like you know not everything has to advance the main plot right?#you know kh is mostly abt the characters and the plot is incidental right?#you know kh is a coming of age story right?#its like#the parallels between the choice sora makes in com and coded regarding forgetting shit#like yes data sora is inherently different with different experiences but it accentuates what real sora didnt have in castle oblivion#im not saying the choice he made to get his okd memories back was wrong#but the choice and reactions data sora has both tells you that this is what real sora needed in castle oblivion#like the connections and faith that others would catch him when he falls#and it also tells you in neon lights that despite literally everyone going yeah real sora will be fine when this happens to him#despite everyone thinking that it blares it in your ear that no real sora actually wont. BECAUSE HE NEVER HAD THAT#real sora DOESNT know that people will catch him when he falls#bro literally tripped and fell in ddd and got lowkey shamed for it#its why the end of kh3 happens#hes got this idea of doing things himself like. he didnt even wuestion going to fight xehanort on his own in the end#and was surpsied and touched when donald and goofy joined him. like he knows he has connections but he also dorsnt know do you understand me#i need kh4 to be the lonliest game in the fucking world#THIS IS ABOUT DATA right so like. coded is soooo important its so important#and while yes it is tedious bc it goes through kh1 AGAIN and like twice even w castle oblivion#thats what the cutscene movie is for...............#people forget that the main plot isnt the keyblades and the fight between light and dark#the plot is literally sora#soras the main character and its about him and the keyblade shit is like#secondary#its the main story but the story is really at its corr about sora#idk. i do have beef with the concept of data mostly bc i have to actively think abt it to make it make sense#but it DOES make sense like i do understand how it works i just need to think abt it for a little bit first#its not as intuitive as everything else and i think thats ehy everyome makes fun of it for being so weird like shut up and open your mind
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nothing more relaxing than like acting out a play in my room alone
#idk what it is about walking around in someone else's trauma for a little while but it just takes the pressure out#maybe it's bc it's easy 2 get a handle on it bc it hasn't happened 2 you. it gives u a sense of detached mastery that you don't have#over your own life#like you're analyzing + focused on convincing in your portrayal of something. + u can also change the performance to make it#more believable or impactful too. there's that control over the words‚ the implied experiences‚ and then also the superficial thoughts#that war with the words + give a sense of direction#it's like... so freeing to be able to control all those things in someone else's trauma#cause like when awful things are happening in my life i can't change my point of view. i'm stuck with the thoughts that i have#+ the sympathies that i have + the shame i have + if something really important to me goes wrong then i can't control what i think#or feel. no matter how hard i try the outcome can't change. but acting like someone else + piecing their emotions together#just gives me back that sense of control.#i've been walking around for a while afraid that everyone could see my surface-level thoughts on my face + that they were being#misinterpreted. proving to myself that i can control those thoughts is good on one hand + bad on the other where i then#lose confidence in my authentic self's ability to walk around in the world. i guess i'll have 2 think about it some more.#i was figuring things out a bit in my own way. i think i'd still prefer that lol.#also when i think about my worst moments‚ they're rough for years because i wasn't able to be authentic at all. and all that was#punished in ways that were traumatic. i don't really want these bad moments to define my life so maybe it's better to just take these#experiences on the chin + let the terror inside of me exist‚ palatable or not
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terribly sorry for progressively getting more and more annoyed and tired with jn. this show kinda gets a lot more exhausting on a rewatch when you know its not going to get better
#i think what happened when it was airing was that like. it was the direct successor to sun and moon right?#and that was a show EVERYONE shat on when it got revealed. the setting the art change the shift to a goofier style etc etc#but then it aired and aside from some hiccups while adjusting the first few eps- sm turned out to be a joy of a show#not just for a casual watch- you can tune on most episodes without context and just have a pleasant time bc its a cozy show#but also if youre more into the battle scene bc this series kinda goes hard on them#and while the episodes had a goofier tone to them the episodes never felt like they were talking down to its audience#everyone brings up the deaths and how maturely they were handled but seriously- they didnt need to go that hard on the minior episode#and yet- it took fans a long time to really come around to it and stop giving it bad faith criticism#the most popular youtubers were finding every excuse to shit on it and mock the fans#so i think when jn was announced with another slight art shift and a different format- i think we all got a little defensive over it#like hey sm had hiccups too! jn just needs some time to grow into itself and find its footing#and we had no reason to think it wouldn’t. like there were some red flags like how mimey was handled and some clickbait episodes#but we got genuinely nice episodes back then too! the scorbunny eps were neat and ash and gohs intro eps are great#the pichu opening is REALLY strong and i thought it showed a ton of promise for the show#the leon and eternatus stuff was being set up#so i waited for jn to pick up and waved off a lot of criticism as bad faith bc hey. ppl were ruthless to sm and forgetting that we do have t#to work with the limit that its a childrens series. which is fine.#but well…… suddenly we’re in the final arc and its not better. its worse. holy shit did it get worse#episodes like the drizzile one were now the exception. not the rule.#most episodes that are pleasant on a first watch became an absolute slog on a rewatch#the ‘’fanservice’’ feels more like a marketing ploy than an attempt to respect the characters. the production value was a goddamn mess.#entire arcs went unresolved#so it gave me rose tinted glasses until it all fell apart at once for me at the end#but now i have the joyful experience of watching the whole thing through knowing damn good and well it gets worse. yay#echoed voice#jn lb
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first off thats MY screenshot
second, this is no surprise since these sites are always garbage, but this boy is not isfp hes neither anxious nor creative enough. theres no hyperawareness or self expression going on. maybe esfp but hes not fun enough. i would bet closer to esfj bc hes pretty much just vibing. he likes life at the stables and doesnt have a strong core fighting for anything. being a natural horsewhisperer could be a Fe type of trait?
third, fully believe his enneagram is XwX or possibly UwU
#also if anyone goes 'ew mbti' sry but stop assuming how other ppl use things and how much rationality goes into it#yes mbti gets used wrong a lot but that doesnt mean everyone who uses it uses it wrong. its just a tool for analysis#annoys me when ppl completely disregard all the study and analytical aspects of personality analysis and pretend its all -#some pseudo horoscope bullshit just bc u had bad experiences with ppl misusing personality analysis before#and no its not 'labelling' anymore than saying 'you have brown hair' is labelling#my personality is indeed an aspect of who i am and how i was born and it helps me to understand myself and others#i use personality analysis tools in order to better understand why other ppl are so fucking weird compared to my own brain#the same way it helps to know that im ND!
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