#bc one of these people did say that you know what is a long time away
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interlude
Lost focus and drew a consensual workplace relationship (the inherent intimacy of hanging out in an artist's studio to watch them exist in their element got to me)
Zoom in for details I poured my soul into <3
(no reposts; reblogs appreciated)
#dc: why do paperwork when sy is right there#my art#artists on tumblr#fanart#cdrama#under the skin 2#猎罪图鉴#猎罪图鉴2#shen yi#du cheng#sy is also guilty he falls asleep in dc's office#how to say i trust you without saying it#i rarely draw anything explicitly romantic so this is how u know this show has gotten to me LOL#u know hilariously what ended up really convincing me that sy is a genius is how he uses like 20 diff mediums#AND IS GOOD AT ALL OF THEM#bro went from paints to sculpture to cardboard cutouts of beijing opera characters#what was his art school curriculum is there anything he can't do#my last uts painting went fast but this one Simmered for weeeks#which was great actually bc i could take my time pouring all my love into it <3#both this and the show itself is art about art and that feels very sacred#also did y'all know most of the songs in this show have to do with light and how you can find it in other people#like i've been playing 时光有光 and 和光同往 on loop#objectively the 2nd one is just ur average ost but the way tjc sings certain lyrics has wended its way into my heart#specifically 初心/真心的模样 like bro the longing
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thought about this thing for a while
it was extremely interesting to just analyze myself and get like a tier list in my head
#draw a character you like#fanart#my art#sketch#shadow milk cookie#luocha#lapis lazuli#shigaraki tomura#nagito komaeda#flowey#first one is simple - see other characters and the silly room comics and it'll explain itself also I'm embarassed to admit it a bit#like people would prooobably expect isat related stuff but isat is basically already gone from my brain in that sense#I do like drawing characters and the style is still extremely easy for me to work with#but like.... I'm not feeling like this is more than this??#like Loop is still in the silly room but only for so long before I get them out or just make them like a cat of the room#to be fair they're allll cats there in a way#Luocha was my to-go character ever since getting him after exams in 2023 and I can't find a character that better worked in that#Lapis is specifically pre-crystal gem one as I kind of dislike her new design but *shruggs* it's still nice#just not the one that left impression on me that's all#Tomura and Flowey are like The Characters of this blog AND of my drawing journey I love them a bit too much#still not the insane fan but my friends know just HOW MUCH I talked about them and both were in my life for years#I'd say Bill Cipher fits there too as a trio but sadly I was out of places and he's not a guilty fave he's the OG fave#the fave to rule them all and one of the two I still have good time returning to as well - other one is Twilight Sparkle#she didn't fit here too again too many in all-time faves sadly#Nagito is here bc I didn't know what even counted as a “guilty fave” in my list#so I chose him as a character for the list bc Kokichi is too... nothing in my head like he has more stories#but I don't even care about his trial and I played through Nagito's one and actually did a lot to get his Island ending too#I love how you can see - all of them have a pattern like being blue or yellow and then there's Nagito#Tomura counts as blue even though he's more purple and wears black and red in the finale in my read he's in MVA outfit still and will be#tenko shimura
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@vulpixisananimal sifstem art jumpscare!! more specifically i got bored and decided to mess around with sif and mal's outfits.
#my art#this is how I think theyd present themselves either in person or in headspace. the slouchers <3#sifs outfit is simple; the boots i always give them (but with star laces for funsies); loose sweater; simple pants#the pants are Meant to be jeans but isat doesnt Specifically Have Jeans so. theyre just Pants.#the sweater is slightly looser bc sif doesnt seem like a Form Fitting Clothes kinda guy to me but hes Trying to be more open#on particularly good days theyll roll the sleeves up or wear a sleeveless one methinks#even if everyone Knows abt the self-harm scars its hard to Look at them.#i also associate them being more open with them not wearing an eyepatch. esp bc hes the only one of the three to go without it#for mal (or 'ami' as i like to call it) i wanted smth reminiscent of a mourning outfit bc mal du pays means homesickness#and i picked 'ami' as a nickname bc ami means friend :] at least according to my basic translator. i dont speak french <3#ami's outfit being dark is also reminiscent of the inversion thing its got going on in canon.#ik the veil is starred in the original but i think ami would want the fewest reminders of home. on account of The Issues#(actually if i can come back to sifs laces sif also has issues with reminders of it bc of the memory loss but the shoelaces are His Choice—#—which gives them a form of control over it and they can keep it subtle or undo it if he wants. which makes it easier)#anyway. i put amis hair in an updo and smoothed the hat bc i think ami wants to be Unremarkable. Unknown. so it keeps its silhouette Simple#(it still keeps the pins. theres smth comforting abt them. they shine like stars and theyre not stars and theyre not Home. but theyre You.)#and i kept the long hair i gave loop. dont ask me why its so long when the canon hair is short. maybe their hair kept growing over the loop#OH and i drew ami in a side profile bc Silhouette and also bc i think itd make an effort to keep people away from its blind spot#andddd i think thats about it? plus i actually managed to keep this one within a reasonable timeframe.#if their hair changes lengths/the proportions change between drawings. no they dont 💛 peace and love and body craft#OH AND YOU FINALLY GET TO SEE WHAT I MEAN ABT SIFS BOOTS BC THESE ARE THE BOOTS I GAVE THEM ON MY REGULAR DESIGN ARENT THEY NEAT#i did actually try to give sif a different font but nothing Works for them like the pixel font. i cant explain it.#i think 'ami' would be a nickname that mira gives it. bc. shes Fantasy French. and its a sort of 'youre more than your yearning/loss' thing#me every time i think abt sifstem: yeah they just rotate in my head. nothing major#me every time i talk abt sifstem: oh hey im almost at tag limit again#au Good what can i say
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something I’ve been thinking abt is how many people think Makoto is immune to despair. I don’t think he is. I think becoming the ultimate Hope was BECAUSE he felt despair. He wouldn’t have fully reached that point without Junko. Makoto becoming such a beacon was his last attempt to avoid completely falling and it wasn’t because he didn’t feel despair, it was because he was too damn stubborn to allow everything to go to waste and he refused to sacrifice his beliefs for someone else’s. His inner monologue tells me he DID experience the same new low the other suvivors did in the final trial, but at the point where he had the choice to give up and die, he looked at the others and he looked at Junko and he couldn’t allow it to happen, not out of self preservation, but because the idea that Junko would have control over their lives made him FURIOUS. and that utter refusal to die kicked in, wether luck or otherwise, and he made the concious effort for one last push while something in him was breaking. He had to be broken in order for the Ultimate Hope to come through so aggressively, bc it could only exist in the face of the Ultimate Despair. He snapped the same way she did, but in the other direction. In what could have been his final moments he chose to embody everything Junko wasn’t, and every single optimistic and luck fueled ideal in him suddenly charged forward and pushed him. It was a combination of the final straw and a choice. Makoto isn’t immune to feeling despair, he’s just too stubborn to fall into it of his own volition. I think that’s why I like that scene in DR3 so much. People were SO SHOCKED Makoto actually fell for the tape, that he actually became despair for a moment. I saw people getting mad or disappointed, saying it was pathetic and Makoto seemed to fall from some sort of pedestal for them. Honestly part of me wonders if that sort of mentality, which clearly people had in universe, affected Makoto a bit. Like he started to see himself as less of a person, subconsciously. Prompting him to take more risks, less self preservation, act way more bold. It seems he has to be reminded a lot not to put himself in danger by his friends, to not do something too reckless. All over the place I would see in regards to that scene either this frivolous ‘oh this was just angst drama with no meaning behind it’ or ‘he can do better than that. he’s so weak’ or ‘come on, there’s no way he’d fall into despair, he’s the Ultimate Hope!’ This kind of mentality, which was kind of ironic considering Ryota was there the entire time saying the same thing and treating Makoto the same way. Like Makoto was superhuman. Like Makoto didn’t feel despair the same way ‘normal people’ did. In a way that was also how Munakata saw Makoto. Makoto stopped being a PERSON to the world when he became Ultimate Hope, he became a concept, a belief system, much the same way Junko ascended beyond herself. But the difference is that treating Makoto that way is the opposite of the reason Makoto became such a representative for hope. He wasn’t doing something no one else could. He was doing something everyone had the chance to, he just… was a little more optimistic, a little more stubborn, a little more ‘gung-ho’ about things. He just took the lead where no one else did, where no one else knew they even COULD in the face of Junko’s unstoppable force. She had overcome the biggest threats and obstacles in the world, what could one person do? And the answer Makoto found was, anything. Everything. It doesn’t all rest on Makoto, he’s just the one that was inspired to try to do what seemed like the impossible. But as evidenced by the change in his friends after that trial, it’s clearly not something only Makoto is capable of. The others pulled out of despair thanks to Makoto, but it was their choice to do so.
“But… this world is so huge, and we’re so small. What can we do…? No, we can probably do anything. Yeah! We can do anything!”
#makoto naegi#Danganronpa character analysis#Danganronpa#danganronpa thh#danganronpa future arc#I fucking love Makoto Naegi man.#I think there’s a fine line of nuance to Makoto that’s easy to miss bc he doesn’t really make it known#he’s not a pushover and he’s not overpowered. he’s a people pleaser but he will say what needs to be said#he’s an immovable object and the exact opposite of Junko but he’s also just a normal guy who’s optimistic and (un)lucky#he isn’t invincible but he has immense power to his words the same way Junko did#if anything his superpower is being kind above all else. he’s compassionate to some of the worst people in the world.#he was even conpassionatr to an extent to Junko. he didnt want her to kill herself despite everything she’s done#and he still acknowledges that for years she was a classmate and friend.#I do think the more he learned abt what she did the more he’s come to actually hate her though#post the first game he always refers to her without a suffix to her name which is one of the most subtle rude things you can do#it means you have zero respect for the person you’re referring to#and he speaks about her with some venom he doesn’t use for anyone else in the future arc#he’s not incapable of feeling negative emotions#I really liked the future arc scene bc it showed that Makoto DID experience enough despair to have overcome him if he didn’t refuse#and that it still affects him deeply. people treat him like he’s either this perfect ideal Chad or this baby chick who’s so delicate#and no one really focuses on how makoto shoulders so much and yet is still vulnerable.#honestly that guy was DUE for a mental breakdown even without the tape. it would have happened eventually#I actually wrote one based on him finally hitting a breaking point after giving so much of himself away and keeping nothing for himself#that his issues that he shoves down constantly finally can’t be held down anymore. Hajime helps him bc he knows how that feels#it was a LONG time ago that I wrote that but honestly if I can remember where i was going w it I might finish it#it was initially an rp but I could make it a fic#anyway. the point is Makoto is SO much more complex than people give him credit for#the most fundamental thing about him is that he’s normal and that’s ok! that’s what helps him rise!
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hey psst c'mere... no a little closer... a little closer- there we go
Loop lips are part of a racist caricature of Black people. Stop drawing Black characters with loop lips. I don't care how they look in canon, it's racist.
okay that's all you can go
#one piece#usopp#goes for other black characters too but this is the one that comes to mind rn.#not gonna get into other shit like 'lightening their skin to make them look prettier teehee'#or 'but they look better with wavy/straight hair!¡!!' or any of the number of other stuff ive seen#bc like. im not even sure folks can handle this one simple thing lmao#many people are great about this but theres still quite a few who are ass#'um! well the creator did it this way and i like him! and he did it on his white characters too!' dont give a shit.#stop drawing racist caricatures. i like op too but im not riding that guy's dick and twisting myaelf in knots trying to justify all his BS#we can agree he's bad at drawing women and he fumbles how he handles queer characters (sometimes. this is mostly referring to momoiro)#but you can't listen to folks who are constantly saying 'hey this is a racist depiction of black people. please dont draw like that'#like???#im gonna keep it 100 with you guys. i love one piece. its got me through some dark times. ive loved it for a long long time#i dont expect the creator to ever give me the time of day#but english fandom? english fandom i can change. and english fandom i can hold to a BARE MINIMUM standard of 'dont be racist'#and yet i still get disappointed. far more often than i should.#ignorance is one thing but the people who DOUBLE DOWN are the worst#thanks for telling me you prioritize your comfort over not being wildly offensive to me and people like me#idfk where i was going with this im just so goddamn tired#if u wanna know more about what im talking about in the post just look up the wiki for minstrel shows & jim crow
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aye can i get a fuckin uuuhhhh
break. on my burger
#shit chat#family cw#got sicker than i have been in years my bank closed my checking account on accident work is nightmarishly busy#and my mother is sending strings of long voice memos in the family group chat again#i simply will not be listening to them. at most i'll ask my dad or brother for the sparknotes version#bc her pattern for the better part of this year has been radio silence. no attempt at communication whatsoever#and then BAM like 5-10 min worth of voice memos screaming crying sobbing shaking#I DON'T KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO TO GET MY CHILDREN TO FORGIVE ME. I'M CRAWLING ON MY KNEES ON THE DESERT FOR A HUNDRED YEARS REPENTING#WHAT THE FUCK IS FAMILY FOR YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING AND I'M SUFFERING SO MUCH AND I'M ALONE BECAUSE#MY FAMILY ABANDONED ME. I HAVE NO ONE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID BUT I'M BEGGING. I NEED HELP I NEED MY KIDDOS AROUND ME PLEASE I'M DYING#followed by several minutes of sordid updates on her shitty miserable life#which is tbf pretty shitty & miserable. she's extremely physically disabled & mentally ill#her partner had a severe stroke a couple months ago and is still recovering. they've both been in & out of hospital#neither working. partner's adult son who lives with them is the only income in the household#partner's permanently disabled mother also lives with them. plus 2 large dogs 6 cats and 3 each of chickens & ducks#they're in court suing their landlord bc he's trying to evict them but the property is an uninhabitable shithole to begin with#but like. whenever i do make the mistake of responding to one of her groupchat tantrums#she's just like 'oh you know me im a survivor :) i just miss yous is all :) now that you're here i'm gonna bitch about my life for an hour#and ignore everything you have to say and show active disdain & boredom whenever you tell me anything about yourself or your life :)'#and if i offer help she refuses it#like it's just a bid for attention. expecting unconditional love and absolution and salvation from us bc That's What Families Do#she doesn't actually seem to give a shit about any of us as real people. just this ironclad delusion of unconditional family support#that she frankly has not earned#my brother actually did go visit her in the hospital on thanksgiving. driving 2hrs out of his way to do so#and she was a raging passive aggressive bitch to him and threw the gift he'd brought her back in his face#ma'am i know you're Going Through It but so are the rest of us & frankly you've given me zero reason to want to interact w/ ur caustic ass#plus this is petty but yet another way in which she doesn't listen to me & makes no attempt whatsoever at genuine relationship#i've told her numerous times that responding to groupchat voice memos is hard for me. that i love & miss her#and if she wants to see me or needs help or whatever to please contact me one on one either by call or text#nope. refuses to respond to/initiate individual contact. ONLY traumadumping in the fam chat. TLDR MY MOM IS A DISFUNCTIONAL TOXIC NIGHTMARE.
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contemplating deleting my blog soon I might make a new blog but idk
#.bdo#i just need to work on some insecurity issues is all. been on a long self journey this year#can't shake the feeling that every time i say anything it's wrong somehow#and there is some reality to that. i have been wrong several times I've even been downright mean to people over misunderstandings#i just haven't been able to break out of the habit of feeling permanently embarrassed about every small mistake I've ever made#& old insecurities from my childhood are resurfacing#like when i was a kid/teen and no one would ever tell me when i was breaking social cues but they'd make fun of me behind my back#i have 3200 followers and most of my posts get 0 notes sometimes i get 1-5 so it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong#i end up deleting a lot of them...#almost every post of mine that's gone viral was just a screenshot or picture saved from somewhere else....#and the times that i have gotten attention over a post that stands up for people who aren't like me it makes me terrified#that i look like i'm trying to play a savior role or like i'm virtue signaling#i have a few good mutuals who i love so much and that's why I'm still here#it's also the only social media i use currently#but it does really hurt when i put a lot of thought into something like spending hours making a funny meme or a thoughtful post#just to find out that the only people who find them interesting is my extremely small circle on here if anyone at all#it's so dumb i shouldn't be feeling like this over fucking numbers....it's not even real#i find a little bit of (petty) solace in the fact that there are people on here who are loudly and repeatedly saying way more embarrassing#shit than I've ever said#but even then when i know someone is absolutely wrong it makes me feel nervous like what if im the next person to fuck up that bad#and i find out through public ridicule#well that actually kinda did happen on here once but not on that scale#last year i sent someone something i thought was funny and they sent back an 'ok'#and then immediately made a huge long post about how you shouldn't talk to strangers like you're already friends#called it parasocial behavior...got tens of thousands of notes and i knew it was about me...#i wholeheartedly agree some people go too far with parasocial behavior but i never fully understood what part of what i said/did was wrong#and i went back to feeling like the kid who never found out they were doing something wrong until they heard that they got made fun of#i don't even attempt to make new friends on my own on here anymore because i'm terrified of that happening again#almost all of the people I've become friends with on here came to me first and i love and appreciate them for that#but even then i feel too nervous to socialize that often bc i never find out/realize that i fuck up until later on
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Here we fucking go...... Impel down.... at last I will get to see my beautiful NOT YET DEAD wife again....
GARP TRYING TO DEFEND ROGER??????? FOR WHAT!!!! YOURE GONNA LET HIS SON DIEEEE!!!!!!!!! DIEEEEEEE!!!!I couldn't even make it one page akdbaknqkqksks I CAN'T!!!
Where's luffy level 1
Their relationship here is so funny...
It's SO GOOD how he wants to betray him at every turn but for some reason or another he can't
Luffy riding the buggy plane.... I guess man
I forgot how funny this was......
Like what the hell are these panels??? Kdhaksjakska
ACEEEEEE AND JIMBEEEEEEEEIII 😭😭😭😭 ACEEE AND JIMBEEEEEI 😭😭😭
I can't do this... I'm not strong enough
LOOK at the wall behind ace and there is a hole beside him and behind him the wall is CRACKED AND DENTED from what I imagine was his body hitting the wall. Goodbye
I can't do this.... the one two punch that is knowing both ace AND whitebeard will die and everything will indeed crumble....
AAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH
Luffy just playing with the sphinx....
He's so proud of luffy... well you didn't contribute A THING
Omg a joestar in impel down.... maybe another Dio secret child....
Is he shaking..... 🥺🥺🥺
I love him...... look at him he's so happy.... it's making me sappy
And I love this face too akdhaksjsk
The contrast.... killing myself again and again (early nights in white sheets with lace curtains... Pompeii in the distance)
COMPLETELY forgot about this.... even now he is keeping the peace????
The poison hydra looks so cool....
I can't watch...
AND THEN IT CUTS TO ACE I CAN'T DO THIS!!!!
BON CLAY YOU WILL GET ME THROUGH THIS!!!! THANK YOU BON CLAY!!!!
ENOUGH!!!! WHY IS IMPEL DOWN LUFFY JUST GOING DOWN HELL AND BEING VICTIM TO UNENDING HORRORS!!!! ALL FOR HIS BROTHER!!! (dante's inferno ref i know i know)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
BON CLAY APPEARING AFTER THAT!!!! BON CLAY!!!!!!
LUFFYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!! LUFFYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!
#buggy is looking for captain john's treasure... long john... i know that man..... (black sails flashbacks#33 hours until aces execution... luffy went on a day and a half bender where he nearly died like five times..... christ...#impel down is going by so fast... like i cant believe amazon lily is over already and i am in a reading slump.... 😭😭 STOOOP#the prison being like a dungeon.... i saw dungeon meshi i got that reference (girl whose only knowledge about dungeons comes from there)#sengoku knowing about ace and luffy being brothers.... garp when i get you.....#also the prisoner golden lion who escaped impel down and could fly... reference to dnd with the lion with wings... or is that dunmeshi only#its so nice to see bon clay again.... in this tragic prison.... we found friends in a hopeless place...#i cant watch luffy fight magellan knowing he's about to lose and then lose again but worse.... i can't....#also is magellan never returning??? i hope we see him again bc hes one of the few people luffy couldn't beat....#like ofc were going to see the admirals again and blackbeard and that will get solved just like kuma did (obv not in the same way) but him?#its so important that boa and bon clay and jimbei help luffy so much through this..... what can i say#my eyes are itching from tearing up akdjskskl we aren't making it to marineford like this.....#talking tag#reading one piece#impel down
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.
#okay so random tag post even though it's been ages#me thinks the current place i work is actually decent a la accepting-queer-ppl so?? miiiiight. consider actually putting my#pronouns in my email signature (which hardly gets used but shh) but like. the actual ones not the society/people assume anyway ones#idk i attended a virtual tech focused event for trans dov (yes early but they didn't want to put the event on sun) and you know when#everyone is just sharing their stories and experiences and it's just like... an overwhelming sense of community? anyway that#and since it was hosted by a professional org the topics were all workplace focused and mayhaps that's something i'm thinking abt for#this year. at least within our pride group I might be ready? wild bc for a long time tumblr has been the only place I feel comfy being 100%#myself. but hearing real people's stories makes me feel like that kind of community would be nice to have elsewhere too#and the whole looking to others also turns around into the leading by example thing bc then we had some breakout groups at the end for#networking which is not my favorite but! i did my intro and said I use she/her for work but will use she/they for this group and#then the next person said he/him at work but for this group he/they so that made me wonder if it was bc of me saying so first?#which if it was is kind of like oh. the way I'm looking for those people for me.. I can also be that for someone else#anyway this sounds dumb typed out but irl/professional me has always separated out queer identity so it's new to me#i'm allowed to be giddy okay. just a little. as a treat (is tumblr still using 'as a treat' i really hope so)#oh shit is this what gender euphoria feels like#alright that's it for now i think#gah emotions and whatnot#missed you all btw i'll start actually being online again soon#personal
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I feel like im going to be waiting for something for the rest of my life
#i dont know what#i might know a little sometimes but mostlyi dont#sometimes when someone is talking to me on purpose i feel like im dragged back to reality#but mostly im gone#i think i should get a tongue piercing#it might be a little like how it felt in that dream when i had my face blown off you know? its like#the guy who did it wanted me to feel it so bad i guess i just like that feeling maybe idk#sometimes subspace solves the long term loneliness for w bit#idk. yeah im a dabbler in that stuff. or practitioner i guess. shock to none#idk. im so sad#its so funny. i try to talk abt it eith family bc. lotta suicides in my family#no one ever wants to talk about it#mostly people dont say anything to me about it they just ignore it like i didnt say anything#its funny#someone today talked to me at work it was sweet like#man. i know all of life is trying and failing but i just dont know how many more times i can keep failing#em yaps
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can't lie g/omens fans are starting to piss me off
#cant rlly talk bc i watched it too like#but i cant imagine being so attached to a show that you are SOO desperate for s3 that you don't seem to care that one of the creators has#multiple extremely credible allegations against him. which when they were revealed a lot of his long term fanbase reacted by saying#'yeah that tracks there were rumours about him for years' like hello?????#are you really so desperate for a ship portrayed by two straight men and written by a straight creep to become canon??#remember when people tried to discredit the allegations by saying the timing was suspicious wrt the uk election. wild#also WHY did it take so long for mainstream media outlets to report on it. so weird i wanna know what happened there#like as far as i can see the bbc still hasn't reported on it???#which is crazy atp. he's not a household name but his work was successful and a lot of people would probably have heard of go or coraline#okay so i wrote this post and then googled and found out he'd been fired from the show. which GOOD#and then saved this to the drafts bc i figured it wasn't relevant anymore#but then i went into the tag and saw the fucking destiel meme meme saying 'we're not getting a full season :(' FUCK OFF OMG#the man has such credible allegations against him that even big corporations are refusing to employ him again#and the reaction is 'but we no longer get six hours of tv' oh my god#it's so late and im so tired maybe i won't be so annoyed about this after a full night's sleep#unlikely tho
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the problem of the matter is i did internalize so much of what ex friend believed about me. even though i knew he was wrong and knew what was happening and tried to stop it and if i took more action to stop it would have been abusing power i held in a way i couldn't live with myself for.
#A BAD PERSON TRYING TO RUIN YOUR LIFE WOULD'VE GOTTEN YOU FIRED AND EVICTED IN WINTER IN ALASKA YOU MOTHERFUCKER. WHICH I DID NOT DO#he was renting a room from my dad. for cheaper than he wouldve been able to find anywhere else. his brother was too#his brother didn't pay rent for over 6 months and my dad just forgave him the debt because my dad knew how much of a difference it wouldve#made when he was that age. and i had told him ex friend was family to me & my dad applied that to the brother too. bc he is a good person.#and one of the strongest parts of my support system. and i didn't say a word to him about what was happening until i knew he already had a#plan for when he would be ending ex friend's lease. so there would be no subconscious impact on ex friend's housing either#mgmt at work straight up asked me if i thought ex friend should be fired immediately multiple times and i'm in retrospect livid they put me#in that position but told them to go by the strike system in the employee handbook and to follow policy that ex friend knew perfectly. that#it couldn't be on me as acting assistant manager to choose#and after 10 months of workplace harassment i got a different job to save my life. ex friend didn't get fired.#he did saw trap shit to my brain!!!!!! jesus christ#he moved cross country to live with his long time gf he called his wife despite never having met irl. to a way more conservative state.#despite being gay. and she left him this summer lol#hadn't checked his twitter in over a year when it got pulled up frm an old link and i saw that. and when he was already at a low point too#me voice. oh no who could've seen this coming. from how you behave in every relationship in your life#may delete this in the morning. but i have to talk about it sometimes#i'm never reaching out for closure both bc he wouldn't give me any and because i know it would trigger him and i don't intentionally trigge#people. unlike him :)#vampire pit#like. i have to talk about it sometimes. i have to talk about it.#jam posts
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i agree with a lot of music fans and journalists/critics/artists that “lockdown”/“pandemic”/“quarantine” albums usually aren’t great and also don’t do very well, but i do think there is one truly incredible (at least in quality i haven’t looked at numbers and tbh i don’t really care) and maybe not the most obvious exception (well maybe it is obvious but i don’t see this album talked about a lot since like the month it came out and i don’t think i’ve seen it talked about in the conversations about art inspired by covid-19/lockdowns). anyway can we play a little game where you guys guess what album it is (this might help me find more good music or at least music you think i’d like as well as be [hopefully] fun!)
#i would also exclude folklore/evermore and unreal unearth from that statement not just bc i think they’re great but mostly bc i wouldn’t#call them ‘pandemic’ albums#like obviously folklore and evermore were made during that time but only two songs on folklore reference the pandemic/lockdown/isolation and#it’s sort of referenced in the sound in that both of those albums are generally quieter for taylor and that might reflect the actual#emotions of isolation and loneliness but i don’t think the sound necessarily reflects/refers to the actual material conditions of#lockdown or covid-19#rather folklore/evermore contain just a few lyrical and sonic references to the emotions caused by that situation but again. not as many as#there were initially perceived to be#side note i think actually the most ‘lockdown’ song on folklore or evermore is mirrorball#and i think the reason mirrorball works so well is that despite the fact that both the overall concept of the song and the lyrical content#seem to directly reference covid-19 lockdowns and closures#it (mirrorball) is still extremely relatable#and i think what’s absolutely true about the album i’m referring to in the actual text of the post#is that it is at least mostly very relatable for most people (although probably for women in particular)#and actually i would say that the album im talking about has very similar themes and concepts to mirrorball but translates and expands upon#them into the form of an entire album#ok very long side note over. in terms of unreal unearth not being a lockdown album it’s true that andrew has literally said it’s not one#but also there aren’t even any small lyrical sonic or conceptual references to the pandemic like i mentioned there are a few on folklore#and evermore.#i did watch an interview where andrew says there /might/ be one lyrical reference but i can’t find it (message me if you know what he meant)#i would call unreal unearth something that i think andrew is understandably hesitant to refer to it as#and that is a breakup album#and i think the reasons he’s hesitant to call it that is that sometimes when people say a piece of media is about a breakup they use that to#reduce both the emotions and experiences covered in the work and the quality of the work#but i also think that in music specifically breakup albums are often (not always. often) a seminal important and iconic moment in a career#and are in many cases considered by many to be the best or at least the most iconic albums by an artist#examples of that include Rumours and even Red#congrats if you read all these tags you’re a real champ#i have so much to say about this topic and topics related to it sorry!#love ya and please take a guess
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The good news: I will have Chinese food tomorrow
The bad news: I have to see my mom as part of it :[
#speculation nation#negative/#i guess. i Am complaining.#i did agree to this. better to rip the bandaid off ahead of the family christmas.#but i havent talked to her since like... jeeze. i really think it's been over 2 years by this point now.#ignored all her calls and texts and Letters even#like what am i supposed to say? heyyy ma nice to see you (i guess). why havent i called? well uhhhhh#even in her letter she sent me it was essentially a nearly illegible journal she kept during a depressing as fuck time#something that really shouldve stayed as a journal. but no she wrapped it up stuck a sticker on it and drew some nail polish on the envelope#i am her child and yet she was using me as a therapist. venting things and In The Letter saying she didnt know why she said them#like. mom. you know you dont have to send me everything you write right? you know you can start over right?#but no she just writes with no filter. no consideration for me.#because she's a sad sad woman who sees her children as the only things worth living for#and i do say things. she doesn't fucking care about me as a person.#she just misses the experience of being these little impressionable people's Everything.#no one puts up with her bullshit these days and how sad is that?#so. well. that's the kind of reason why i havent talked to her. bc she's a fucking drain just to be around.#but shes my mother yada yada and something in me still feels maybe even slightly socially obligated to see her#really though i just want to see her Side of the family. i miss them. i haven't seen them in too long.#and in order to see them i have to see her. and i decided itd be best to see her ahead of time#so that family xmas is. at least slightly less awkward. hopefully.#what am i supposed to do if she tries to hug me or something? i dont want to hug her.#either she'll be all weepy that i havent been talking to her or she'll try to act like nothing's changed at all.#or maybe both. who knows. either way itll be entirely about her. as it always is.#i just need to make sure i dont end up alone with her#so long as my sister or grandma are there too she wont be As insufferable. hopefully.
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feeling like such a loser lately and like is it the winter or is the introversion or is it the disability???
#for a while now its been so hard for me to discern if social stuff is hard because im ND or because im an introvert#theoretically i love parties but im horrible at them on my own#i dont know what to say or how to start conversations#i desperately want to mingle and talk to people and have a god time but idk how to start that interaction#esp because i dont love talking about my work/home life (bc it makes me feel like a loser!) so i dont want to ask people about their work#in case they reciprocate and ask me about mine#also the masking#the masking is exhausting#!#the ND masking not covid masking!!#im afraid ill have nothing to add to a conversation#im afraid when i do speak up that ill ramble about something no one cares about or talk fkr too long or being jn skmething that feels like#non sequitur and ill watch peoples eyes glaze over as they scan the room for others to talk with#i have no social anxiety about like asking for help or directions or “hey where did you get that pizza it smells so good”#or “omg i love your outfit!!!”#but in a room full of people who sort of know each ither#or like p much any space where there are clumps of people talking and im not in any of them?#i feel like a bother and incompetent#i crawled out from under my rock for my only social engagement this month and theyre on their 3rd of the day and loving it#hoping eventually i wont feel the need tk mask so much. i know that makes things so much harder#=
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[redacted] fic is like. the longest and most enduring game of telephone
#just going 'no i can't say that. hate that phrase. this other one is decent but like who HASN'T written that phrase'#'is that physically possible? how long even is a limb.'#'now many people write that but it doesn't REALLY work like that does it..................'#and yknow 'i mean there's stuff we all get away with bc it's fic and there is an understanding of some. truth being stretched for the vibe#of it all. you don't want it TOO. real?????? no. scientific. but. again. other times.'#'you really wonder does a body move like that or did THAT writer see it in a different fic and used it. and that op saw it somewhere too'#'and now there is maybe a mildly skewed idea of it.'#'with positives and negatives about this i suppose.'#LOOK I KNOW WHAT I'M ON ABOUT OKAY
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