#bc one of these people did say that you know what is a long time away
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Text
I THINK ABOUT THIS ALLL OF THE TIMEEEEEEEE.
(also teehee i will be using this as an excuse to discuss what realistic racial dynamics in Gotham would look like bc I am a black new jersyian, which isn’t the point of this post but it activated my ranting chip, and is going to mirror a lot of what op says)
The thing that a lot of comic writers like to skimp over, unless it's to perpetuate harmful stereotypes, is that disenfranchised neighborhoods, particularly in the inner city, where Batman's work is initially concentrated, especially in the early years, are usually overwhelmingly populated by black and brown people. Historically, for black people specifically, this is because of a Great Migration period during Jim Crow where black folks would come up to the more industrialized north for increased job opportunities and less racism. This is why Newark, NJ has such a high African-American population to this day, it was one of the hotspots.
As a black person who has lived in both NJ suburbs and its inner cities, inner city gothamites would not like Batman for a long ass time, if at all. Why? A lot of comics will focus on Batman stopping a drug deal or a gang member, but do nothing to address the socioeconomic conditions, or demonstrate cultural competency in portraying these neighborhoods' relationship to drug dealing, drug addicts, gang affiliation, and organization, which is often very morally complex, and SURE AS HELL doesn't consider their relationships to police forces or assumes that the power dynamic is shifted in favor of the black and brown inner-city neighborhoods, rendering the cops useless and letting crime prevail which is even WORSE and just blatantly untrue.
OR They just take on a paternalistic view of "these neighborhoods and the people in them need to be saved from themselves". So they have this white man swoop in and save the day and everybody in the neighborhood is just supposed to love him, while the uptight politicians are the ones who have the criticism so you, as the viewer, will already have the seeds of hate planted so you feel vindicated when they are revealed as corrupt and THAT'S the real reason they hate Batman.
In the beginning, Batman will be seen as someone who contributes to the prison industrial complex. He is not helping the citizens of Gotham, he is just a cop. He is a symbol of another white man wreaking havoc on a predominately black neighborhood, and the police won't do anything to stop him. This will even be exacerbated by him beginning to work with the police. If Batman wants to be looked upon fondly by the people he is supposedly helping, he's going to have to acknowledge the racial divide between uptown and downtown Gothamites. He is going to have to WORK for his respect and understand the reasons why he, as Batman, may never get it
(my headcannon is that No Man's Land is when the perspectives of BOTH Bruce Wayne and Batman's reputations turned into net positives. For Bruce it was going to Congress and being the only one to fight directly for them, [as one of the major points of NML was how unfair it was to poor people]. For Batman, it's that when he couldn't get the kids left in NML out of the city, he stayed and protected them anyway. He didn't just go running off like everybody else [even tho he technically did, but y'know, they don't know that), and leave them stranded and alone? That's worthy of respect to them.)
Now if I was too apply ALL OF THIS to Red Hood ... the one shred of hope of black and brown citizens of Gotham would have is that Batman does not use lethal force. He will ruff up our people, break an arm or a leg or a nose, but he will not gun them down. He will not use lethal force. They will not lose their lives. He will let them see another day. And if they see another day, then they have the possibility to do better, and THAT is where Batman and the people of Gotham's hood will be able to find common ground and coexist with each other.
That is completely gone when Red Hood enters the scene.
No, people in the Gotham's hood would not like Red Hood, he would just make things worse. Way worse. He would be the actuality of what everyone feared about Batman. He would ruin a decade's worth of work that Batman put in trying to fix his reputation within these neighborhoods.
You only understand that when you understand black and brown people's relationship with law enforcement.
They will mistake black and brown mothers telling their children to be inside before the streetlights come on as "lower crime rates" and would they be correct? On the surface, sure. But it wouldn't be because of anything productive, it would be because you have successfully scared an entire neighborhood into complacency. You've essentially put them under unofficial marital law dictated by a myth and justified it by saying "Well Batman only scares people who need to be scared,"
(They do this in Batman v Superman, very blatantly, and with a Black woman saying it verbatim, and it's ... it's an interesting choice, I go back and forth on how I feel about it considering the timeline conditions but for now I digress).
I'd even go as far as to argue that the ONLY people who would like Batman as a concept from jump are non-black people in the suburbs. Batman is the type of idea that allows white people to have a conscious spa day, to offer up a simple solution to a complex problem so they don't have to do any deeper thinking about it. He is the whitest of the white savior concepts. Oh he's getting those drug dealers off the street? Thank god, they'll keep that fentanyl away from our promising young and precious suburban kids.
However, once Bruce Wayne began announcing all of these initiatives to help poor people, despite this being the thing that would be what make the crime rates go down and stay down, it also resulted in black and brown people ascending in socioeconomic status oh..... now those kids from the hood are going to be moving into our good schools.... they're going to corrupt our children and expose them to guns and drugs and gangs OH NO! NOT MY GOTHAM!
Semi-Anecdotally and Semi-Historically: This happens a lot in NJ & NY. Speaking for NJ, this happens a lot with kids in inner cities like Newark, who will move downwards to places like Plainfield, and then Plainfield becomes essentially segregated in everything but schools, and people will worry that those "Newark Gangsters" will corrupt their kids, so they move them down further into suburbia to like ... Edison, or Piscataway, where high housing is enough to keep people out. Then they begin defunding Plainfield schools, and stationing Plainfield cops in black parts of town until they decide to gentrify the neighborhood again.
(This is also why you shouldn't listen to people who question why people still live in Gotham. At one point, Camden was one of the most dangerous cities in the world. It is also a college town. Newark is still not a very safe place to live. It is ALSO technically a college town)
Canon-Wise, let's look at Robin issues 25 & 26 (my detested) where a storyline about bringing guns to school has one of Tim's classmates say this verbatim.
He ends up losing his life to a black student via gunshot. It’s framed as ambiguous but to me there’s an obvious reason why this escalated LMFAO don't put your hands on people in a school hallway.
Despite the fact that both kids pull out a gun at the exact same time, and shoot the exact same amount of bullets, who do you think gets more sympathy from both Tim and from the narrative altogether?
Whose motives are positioned as higher in moral value?
Who’s motives are ever even considered?
Who is Tim allowed to lecture gently, vs who is he and Bruce allowed to hunt down, scare, and capture?
This story is allowed to have emotional weight for Tim because he knows Karl. It deliberately attempts to make the reader lose sympathy for Young El because they attach him to a gang.
Batman does make a point to mention that it just easily could’ve been Young-El that died, but it only positions Karl as the only who “doesn’t understand his choice”. They’re the same age. Both high school students. Could it not also be argued that Young El’s situation is worse because he is being exploited by a gang, that is also taking advantage of the fact that he does not fully comprehend the choices that he makes? Or does that only apply to poor former bully jock Karl Ranck.
Let’s also unpack that subtle but glaring racism.
1. The immediate assumption that Young-El will re-offend is racist. Although Tim says it directly, Bruce also indirectly agrees, (conditionally to prop up the "usefulness" of Batman). Was Young El the first person to say it? Sure, but that's just more racism being perpetuated by the narrative because it's not being done to try to make the reader understand black and brown people's relationship to the incarceration system and why recidivism commonly happens, it's meant to portray Young El as a mouthy kid resisting arrest for a crime he committed.
It offers no sympathy towards him even though he is just as much a pawn in the city’s corruption as any other child that falls into a gang. If anything this should be more incentive to y’know … make sure he has help upon release but hey what do I know?
2. This moment, specifically:
If we are analyzing this keeping in mind that Young El does not know who Robin is, but can fully hear this statement being made towards him, ABOUT HIM, in this context that means this can now be considered a VERY racist micro-aggression being aimed towards him. To even hit on the point of each citizen preferring a different vigilante, this is now a reason that Robin's reputation is in the negatives. If I can't count on you to arrest me without being subjected to what can easily be taken as a racial microaggression (because again, he doesn't know who Tim is, or his relationship to this crime and it is unrealistic to expect him to, all he knows is that this white kid is arresting him and telling him that he's essentially too stupid to understand him, which is reinforcing a racial power dynamic) there is now nothing separating you from a regular degular cop.
3. The idea that the fear of seeing Batman will be enough for Young El to not re-offend is racism. That’s not hope for someone's future, that's a form of oppression and is AGAIN fueled by the narrative’s refusal to extend any sympathy to Young El. Telling black and brown citizens that "beyond the law and the courts" (that have historically tried to eradicate us btw) there is …. More fear? More reason to be afraid of the world? And then you wanna end the comic talking about some damn PEACE?????? PEACE FOR WHO???????
Also Bruce’s smile in that panel about scaring Young El … that’s amusing to you? Scaring high school kids that you’re supposed to help? That’s how you want Batman to be “useful”? High school children being exploited by gangs are the people that are supposed to be afraid of the Batman? Oh that’s not… anyway.
In the panel before that one, THEY'RE STILL pointing guns at Young El and the gang, despite the fact that if they are being detained they have already been frisked and had their weapons taken away already.
Sure you can argue that this is less a Batman problem and more reflection of how this actually happens in real life, but idk if I’m writing a story where a deliberate point is made that my protagonists don’t use lethal force … but then they disappear on top of a building and watch as these children and adult gang members are submitting under the threat of lethal force, despite having no weapons no drugs and no way of escape …. you see the problem here?
Hate this mini-arc sooooooo bad. even tho I do think about it a lot when thinking about Tim's relationship with school violence. it's a watershed moment for him and so important to his development, but it's also racist as fuck.
I SAY ALL OF THIS TO SAY. There's a lot of this bullshit that basked into comics, hell, into Batman's very conception that makes it easy to fly over people's heads. I'm sympathetic to it, I first read Robin when I was 15. A LOT of shit was flying over my head. But I do encourage you all to approach these stories with a more critical eye, as they can and do help deepen your understanding of these characters.
And let’s be honest— modern ideas of crime are intrinsically tied to American racial ideologies (the modern American inception of cops is deliberately based on slave catchers). Without considering that nuance, Batman (and definitely Red Hood) can very quickly become another layer of fear and control rather than people who are truly trying to help these neighborhoods thrive.
I know we tend to roll our eyes at "Batman beats up poor people and mentally ill!!!" takes cuz most of the time they're ridiculous and said by people who do not interact with canon but like ... the idea that one person's savior is another person's boogieman is very true, and NOT ALWAYS GOOD, especially if we are considering the usefulness of an american Batman, who is not exempt from american racial dynamics, which very obviously exist in his fictional Gotham, even if subtextually through speech, through drawing, through panel sequencing, etc. Batman is a fantasy, but his lasting power as a character is fundamentally dependent on how well of a reflection he is of real life, and THIS would be the real-life makeup of a real-life Gotham City. I spend a lot of this post critiquing, but I still love these characters, and it's because I love them, that these dynamics are so interesting to explore.
Anyway rant over, I probably did a shit job at convincing y'all but if you made it to the end of this long-ass post, YES PLEASE. EVERYBODY, PLEASE READ CANON.
You know what I've realized these past several months on Tumblr and just...years of consuming content?
It's pretty rare for the fandom to acknowledge Gotham as a city. A real, living city with people in it. Like, sure we always get cutesy posts about Batman or the others from outside perspectives or fics that include interesting ocs (I love u if you do that btw).
But what I mean isn't that. What I mean is: does anyone think of Gotham and its citizens as actual people? Because I've sure seen kind of the opposite.
I see constant arguments or heavily biased (mostly misinformed) posts regarding what Bruce does and how the Batman helps the city. That his riches would get lost in corruption and no one can save the city unless there's violence. You could try and make the argument, sure. But we've seen time and time again in comics that Bruce uses his money to the benefit of the city. We've seen in comics that he employs people who are disadvantaged and gives them opportunities. People know Bruce Wayne gives jobs and treats his employees well. He donates heavily to charities, creates his own organizations, funds Leslie Thompkin's clinic, and consistently updates the safety of his own buildings. People (at least post-Crisis) would know that Bruce Wayne did everything he could to save Gotham after the Cataclysm earthquake/No Man's Land - that he went up against Congress. Of course, not everyone would like Batman. Not everyone would trust the Wayne name. They'd see a stranger who prowls nightly and may or may not rescue you. They'd see the privilege of an old rich name who gets to exert his influence over the city. If you go to him for help, you go to him with the fear, and anticipation of rejection or with the knowledge that he will be safe.
I've also seen the (imo) ridiculous notion that Crime Alley citizens would trust the Red Hood. Maybe some would now, after the reboots and actual comic book evidence that he's doing something. But I cannot fathom living in a city with such heavy crimes occurring and then trusting what is essentially a cop. People don't know the Red Hood. They don't know Jason Todd. They would only know: 1. he has tried and succeeded various times to take over organized crime and drug routes 2. he can and will kill if he sees it fit. In some people's eyes, he would be a cop with even less judicial oversight. In some families, he would be the killer of their breadwinner, of their fathers or family members or lovers. A man with a gun. Eyes without a face. If you go to him for help, you go to him for blood.
This doesn't even begin to lay out the insane amount of vigilantes who live/operate in Gotham. The Batman is not the only figure. The Red Hood is not the only figure. If you boil down Gotham to only the conflict between these two characters, you miss the nuances and varied opinions of the city by miles. If you boil down Gotham to just Batman-affiliates, you miss even more.
For every person who doesn't trust Batman, there's someone who'd prefer Huntress. For every child who lives in fear but can't trust an adult, there's Robin or Batgirl. For an abused woman, there's other women out there who help: Catwoman or Black Canary or Holly Robinson. There's people who'd never trust a vigilante but want safety, they'd have Leslie Thompkins (who operates in Crime Alley) or Lucius Fox who could give them a job.
Not to mention, Batman is very obviously white. There would be some people who would rightfully mistrust white men, and would prefer figures like Orpheus or Onyx or Batwing or the Signal or Huntress (post-N52). There's the Creeper, who would be terrifying but some might prefer the monster over the man. There's Ragman, an explicitly Jewish vigilante who was literally called the Tatterdemalion of the Oppressed and trusted by the poor and homeless. There's Batwoman, Mother Panic, Spoiler, Nightwing, Red Robin, Azrael, Bluebird, the enigmatic idea of the Oracle, Anarky, Ghostmaker, Gotham Girl/Boy, Catman, Alan Scott-Green Lantern, Wildcat.
Hell, maybe someone who lives in Gotham would just straight up trust Superman or the Flash or Wonder Woman more than anyone else. Maybe they'd never once trust someone acting for a perceived view of justice and would just trust an employer like Two-Face or the Riddler or any mobster.
I'm stressing my point here: when you write anyone who lives in Gotham City, keep in mind that they don't know they live in a comic book world. Secret identities are foreign to them, they only know the base actions of each vigilante. Each person's opinion will heavily vary. Every experience colors their view of the city and vigilantes as a whole. Just, idk, widen your horizons and consider about what someone living in a place like Gotham would really think.
To that end, read the comics!!! Research actual cities!!! Take in experiences and history!!! It's all interesting and just adds so much more.
You want one comic that shows Bruce helping Gotham and the various views of Gothamites, read Gotham Knights #32, published in 2002 and titled "24/7." Read it online illegally if you have to!!
265 notes
·
View notes
Text
@vulpixisananimal sifstem art jumpscare!! more specifically i got bored and decided to mess around with sif and mal's outfits.
#my art#this is how I think theyd present themselves either in person or in headspace. the slouchers <3#sifs outfit is simple; the boots i always give them (but with star laces for funsies); loose sweater; simple pants#the pants are Meant to be jeans but isat doesnt Specifically Have Jeans so. theyre just Pants.#the sweater is slightly looser bc sif doesnt seem like a Form Fitting Clothes kinda guy to me but hes Trying to be more open#on particularly good days theyll roll the sleeves up or wear a sleeveless one methinks#even if everyone Knows abt the self-harm scars its hard to Look at them.#i also associate them being more open with them not wearing an eyepatch. esp bc hes the only one of the three to go without it#for mal (or 'ami' as i like to call it) i wanted smth reminiscent of a mourning outfit bc mal du pays means homesickness#and i picked 'ami' as a nickname bc ami means friend :] at least according to my basic translator. i dont speak french <3#ami's outfit being dark is also reminiscent of the inversion thing its got going on in canon.#ik the veil is starred in the original but i think ami would want the fewest reminders of home. on account of The Issues#(actually if i can come back to sifs laces sif also has issues with reminders of it bc of the memory loss but the shoelaces are His Choice—#—which gives them a form of control over it and they can keep it subtle or undo it if he wants. which makes it easier)#anyway. i put amis hair in an updo and smoothed the hat bc i think ami wants to be Unremarkable. Unknown. so it keeps its silhouette Simple#(it still keeps the pins. theres smth comforting abt them. they shine like stars and theyre not stars and theyre not Home. but theyre You.)#and i kept the long hair i gave loop. dont ask me why its so long when the canon hair is short. maybe their hair kept growing over the loop#OH and i drew ami in a side profile bc Silhouette and also bc i think itd make an effort to keep people away from its blind spot#andddd i think thats about it? plus i actually managed to keep this one within a reasonable timeframe.#if their hair changes lengths/the proportions change between drawings. no they dont 💛 peace and love and body craft#OH AND YOU FINALLY GET TO SEE WHAT I MEAN ABT SIFS BOOTS BC THESE ARE THE BOOTS I GAVE THEM ON MY REGULAR DESIGN ARENT THEY NEAT#i did actually try to give sif a different font but nothing Works for them like the pixel font. i cant explain it.#i think 'ami' would be a nickname that mira gives it. bc. shes Fantasy French. and its a sort of 'youre more than your yearning/loss' thing#me every time i think abt sifstem: yeah they just rotate in my head. nothing major#me every time i talk abt sifstem: oh hey im almost at tag limit again#au Good what can i say
68 notes
·
View notes
Text
something I’ve been thinking abt is how many people think Makoto is immune to despair. I don’t think he is. I think becoming the ultimate Hope was BECAUSE he felt despair. He wouldn’t have fully reached that point without Junko. Makoto becoming such a beacon was his last attempt to avoid completely falling and it wasn’t because he didn’t feel despair, it was because he was too damn stubborn to allow everything to go to waste and he refused to sacrifice his beliefs for someone else’s. His inner monologue tells me he DID experience the same new low the other suvivors did in the final trial, but at the point where he had the choice to give up and die, he looked at the others and he looked at Junko and he couldn’t allow it to happen, not out of self preservation, but because the idea that Junko would have control over their lives made him FURIOUS. and that utter refusal to die kicked in, wether luck or otherwise, and he made the concious effort for one last push while something in him was breaking. He had to be broken in order for the Ultimate Hope to come through so aggressively, bc it could only exist in the face of the Ultimate Despair. He snapped the same way she did, but in the other direction. In what could have been his final moments he chose to embody everything Junko wasn’t, and every single optimistic and luck fueled ideal in him suddenly charged forward and pushed him. It was a combination of the final straw and a choice. Makoto isn’t immune to feeling despair, he’s just too stubborn to fall into it of his own volition. I think that’s why I like that scene in DR3 so much. People were SO SHOCKED Makoto actually fell for the tape, that he actually became despair for a moment. I saw people getting mad or disappointed, saying it was pathetic and Makoto seemed to fall from some sort of pedestal for them. Honestly part of me wonders if that sort of mentality, which clearly people had in universe, affected Makoto a bit. Like he started to see himself as less of a person, subconsciously. Prompting him to take more risks, less self preservation, act way more bold. It seems he has to be reminded a lot not to put himself in danger by his friends, to not do something too reckless. All over the place I would see in regards to that scene either this frivolous ‘oh this was just angst drama with no meaning behind it’ or ‘he can do better than that. he’s so weak’ or ‘come on, there’s no way he’d fall into despair, he’s the Ultimate Hope!’ This kind of mentality, which was kind of ironic considering Ryota was there the entire time saying the same thing and treating Makoto the same way. Like Makoto was superhuman. Like Makoto didn’t feel despair the same way ‘normal people’ did. In a way that was also how Munakata saw Makoto. Makoto stopped being a PERSON to the world when he became Ultimate Hope, he became a concept, a belief system, much the same way Junko ascended beyond herself. But the difference is that treating Makoto that way is the opposite of the reason Makoto became such a representative for hope. He wasn’t doing something no one else could. He was doing something everyone had the chance to, he just… was a little more optimistic, a little more stubborn, a little more ‘gung-ho’ about things. He just took the lead where no one else did, where no one else knew they even COULD in the face of Junko’s unstoppable force. She had overcome the biggest threats and obstacles in the world, what could one person do? And the answer Makoto found was, anything. Everything. It doesn’t all rest on Makoto, he’s just the one that was inspired to try to do what seemed like the impossible. But as evidenced by the change in his friends after that trial, it’s clearly not something only Makoto is capable of. The others pulled out of despair thanks to Makoto, but it was their choice to do so.
“But… this world is so huge, and we’re so small. What can we do…? No, we can probably do anything. Yeah! We can do anything!”
#makoto naegi#Danganronpa character analysis#Danganronpa#danganronpa thh#danganronpa future arc#I fucking love Makoto Naegi man.#I think there’s a fine line of nuance to Makoto that’s easy to miss bc he doesn’t really make it known#he’s not a pushover and he’s not overpowered. he’s a people pleaser but he will say what needs to be said#he’s an immovable object and the exact opposite of Junko but he’s also just a normal guy who’s optimistic and (un)lucky#he isn’t invincible but he has immense power to his words the same way Junko did#if anything his superpower is being kind above all else. he’s compassionate to some of the worst people in the world.#he was even conpassionatr to an extent to Junko. he didnt want her to kill herself despite everything she’s done#and he still acknowledges that for years she was a classmate and friend.#I do think the more he learned abt what she did the more he’s come to actually hate her though#post the first game he always refers to her without a suffix to her name which is one of the most subtle rude things you can do#it means you have zero respect for the person you’re referring to#and he speaks about her with some venom he doesn’t use for anyone else in the future arc#he’s not incapable of feeling negative emotions#I really liked the future arc scene bc it showed that Makoto DID experience enough despair to have overcome him if he didn’t refuse#and that it still affects him deeply. people treat him like he’s either this perfect ideal Chad or this baby chick who’s so delicate#and no one really focuses on how makoto shoulders so much and yet is still vulnerable.#honestly that guy was DUE for a mental breakdown even without the tape. it would have happened eventually#I actually wrote one based on him finally hitting a breaking point after giving so much of himself away and keeping nothing for himself#that his issues that he shoves down constantly finally can’t be held down anymore. Hajime helps him bc he knows how that feels#it was a LONG time ago that I wrote that but honestly if I can remember where i was going w it I might finish it#it was initially an rp but I could make it a fic#anyway. the point is Makoto is SO much more complex than people give him credit for#the most fundamental thing about him is that he’s normal and that’s ok! that’s what helps him rise!
74 notes
·
View notes
Text
hey psst c'mere... no a little closer... a little closer- there we go
Loop lips are part of a racist caricature of Black people. Stop drawing Black characters with loop lips. I don't care how they look in canon, it's racist.
okay that's all you can go
#one piece#usopp#goes for other black characters too but this is the one that comes to mind rn.#not gonna get into other shit like 'lightening their skin to make them look prettier teehee'#or 'but they look better with wavy/straight hair!¡!!' or any of the number of other stuff ive seen#bc like. im not even sure folks can handle this one simple thing lmao#many people are great about this but theres still quite a few who are ass#'um! well the creator did it this way and i like him! and he did it on his white characters too!' dont give a shit.#stop drawing racist caricatures. i like op too but im not riding that guy's dick and twisting myaelf in knots trying to justify all his BS#we can agree he's bad at drawing women and he fumbles how he handles queer characters (sometimes. this is mostly referring to momoiro)#but you can't listen to folks who are constantly saying 'hey this is a racist depiction of black people. please dont draw like that'#like???#im gonna keep it 100 with you guys. i love one piece. its got me through some dark times. ive loved it for a long long time#i dont expect the creator to ever give me the time of day#but english fandom? english fandom i can change. and english fandom i can hold to a BARE MINIMUM standard of 'dont be racist'#and yet i still get disappointed. far more often than i should.#ignorance is one thing but the people who DOUBLE DOWN are the worst#thanks for telling me you prioritize your comfort over not being wildly offensive to me and people like me#idfk where i was going with this im just so goddamn tired#if u wanna know more about what im talking about in the post just look up the wiki for minstrel shows & jim crow
35 notes
·
View notes
Text
aye can i get a fuckin uuuhhhh
break. on my burger
#shit chat#family cw#got sicker than i have been in years my bank closed my checking account on accident work is nightmarishly busy#and my mother is sending strings of long voice memos in the family group chat again#i simply will not be listening to them. at most i'll ask my dad or brother for the sparknotes version#bc her pattern for the better part of this year has been radio silence. no attempt at communication whatsoever#and then BAM like 5-10 min worth of voice memos screaming crying sobbing shaking#I DON'T KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO TO GET MY CHILDREN TO FORGIVE ME. I'M CRAWLING ON MY KNEES ON THE DESERT FOR A HUNDRED YEARS REPENTING#WHAT THE FUCK IS FAMILY FOR YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING AND I'M SUFFERING SO MUCH AND I'M ALONE BECAUSE#MY FAMILY ABANDONED ME. I HAVE NO ONE. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID BUT I'M BEGGING. I NEED HELP I NEED MY KIDDOS AROUND ME PLEASE I'M DYING#followed by several minutes of sordid updates on her shitty miserable life#which is tbf pretty shitty & miserable. she's extremely physically disabled & mentally ill#her partner had a severe stroke a couple months ago and is still recovering. they've both been in & out of hospital#neither working. partner's adult son who lives with them is the only income in the household#partner's permanently disabled mother also lives with them. plus 2 large dogs 6 cats and 3 each of chickens & ducks#they're in court suing their landlord bc he's trying to evict them but the property is an uninhabitable shithole to begin with#but like. whenever i do make the mistake of responding to one of her groupchat tantrums#she's just like 'oh you know me im a survivor :) i just miss yous is all :) now that you're here i'm gonna bitch about my life for an hour#and ignore everything you have to say and show active disdain & boredom whenever you tell me anything about yourself or your life :)'#and if i offer help she refuses it#like it's just a bid for attention. expecting unconditional love and absolution and salvation from us bc That's What Families Do#she doesn't actually seem to give a shit about any of us as real people. just this ironclad delusion of unconditional family support#that she frankly has not earned#my brother actually did go visit her in the hospital on thanksgiving. driving 2hrs out of his way to do so#and she was a raging passive aggressive bitch to him and threw the gift he'd brought her back in his face#ma'am i know you're Going Through It but so are the rest of us & frankly you've given me zero reason to want to interact w/ ur caustic ass#plus this is petty but yet another way in which she doesn't listen to me & makes no attempt whatsoever at genuine relationship#i've told her numerous times that responding to groupchat voice memos is hard for me. that i love & miss her#and if she wants to see me or needs help or whatever to please contact me one on one either by call or text#nope. refuses to respond to/initiate individual contact. ONLY traumadumping in the fam chat. TLDR MY MOM IS A DISFUNCTIONAL TOXIC NIGHTMARE.
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
contemplating deleting my blog soon I might make a new blog but idk
#.bdo#i just need to work on some insecurity issues is all. been on a long self journey this year#can't shake the feeling that every time i say anything it's wrong somehow#and there is some reality to that. i have been wrong several times I've even been downright mean to people over misunderstandings#i just haven't been able to break out of the habit of feeling permanently embarrassed about every small mistake I've ever made#& old insecurities from my childhood are resurfacing#like when i was a kid/teen and no one would ever tell me when i was breaking social cues but they'd make fun of me behind my back#i have 3200 followers and most of my posts get 0 notes sometimes i get 1-5 so it makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong#i end up deleting a lot of them...#almost every post of mine that's gone viral was just a screenshot or picture saved from somewhere else....#and the times that i have gotten attention over a post that stands up for people who aren't like me it makes me terrified#that i look like i'm trying to play a savior role or like i'm virtue signaling#i have a few good mutuals who i love so much and that's why I'm still here#it's also the only social media i use currently#but it does really hurt when i put a lot of thought into something like spending hours making a funny meme or a thoughtful post#just to find out that the only people who find them interesting is my extremely small circle on here if anyone at all#it's so dumb i shouldn't be feeling like this over fucking numbers....it's not even real#i find a little bit of (petty) solace in the fact that there are people on here who are loudly and repeatedly saying way more embarrassing#shit than I've ever said#but even then when i know someone is absolutely wrong it makes me feel nervous like what if im the next person to fuck up that bad#and i find out through public ridicule#well that actually kinda did happen on here once but not on that scale#last year i sent someone something i thought was funny and they sent back an 'ok'#and then immediately made a huge long post about how you shouldn't talk to strangers like you're already friends#called it parasocial behavior...got tens of thousands of notes and i knew it was about me...#i wholeheartedly agree some people go too far with parasocial behavior but i never fully understood what part of what i said/did was wrong#and i went back to feeling like the kid who never found out they were doing something wrong until they heard that they got made fun of#i don't even attempt to make new friends on my own on here anymore because i'm terrified of that happening again#almost all of the people I've become friends with on here came to me first and i love and appreciate them for that#but even then i feel too nervous to socialize that often bc i never find out/realize that i fuck up until later on
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
Here we fucking go...... Impel down.... at last I will get to see my beautiful NOT YET DEAD wife again....
GARP TRYING TO DEFEND ROGER??????? FOR WHAT!!!! YOURE GONNA LET HIS SON DIEEEE!!!!!!!!! DIEEEEEEE!!!!I couldn't even make it one page akdbaknqkqksks I CAN'T!!!
Where's luffy level 1
Their relationship here is so funny...
It's SO GOOD how he wants to betray him at every turn but for some reason or another he can't
Luffy riding the buggy plane.... I guess man
I forgot how funny this was......
Like what the hell are these panels??? Kdhaksjakska
ACEEEEEE AND JIMBEEEEEEEEIII 😭😭😭😭 ACEEE AND JIMBEEEEEI 😭😭😭
I can't do this... I'm not strong enough
LOOK at the wall behind ace and there is a hole beside him and behind him the wall is CRACKED AND DENTED from what I imagine was his body hitting the wall. Goodbye
I can't do this.... the one two punch that is knowing both ace AND whitebeard will die and everything will indeed crumble....
AAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH
Luffy just playing with the sphinx....
He's so proud of luffy... well you didn't contribute A THING
Omg a joestar in impel down.... maybe another Dio secret child....
Is he shaking..... 🥺🥺🥺
I love him...... look at him he's so happy.... it's making me sappy
And I love this face too akdhaksjsk
The contrast.... killing myself again and again (early nights in white sheets with lace curtains... Pompeii in the distance)
COMPLETELY forgot about this.... even now he is keeping the peace????
The poison hydra looks so cool....
I can't watch...
AND THEN IT CUTS TO ACE I CAN'T DO THIS!!!!
BON CLAY YOU WILL GET ME THROUGH THIS!!!! THANK YOU BON CLAY!!!!
ENOUGH!!!! WHY IS IMPEL DOWN LUFFY JUST GOING DOWN HELL AND BEING VICTIM TO UNENDING HORRORS!!!! ALL FOR HIS BROTHER!!! (dante's inferno ref i know i know)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO
BON CLAY APPEARING AFTER THAT!!!! BON CLAY!!!!!!
LUFFYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!! LUFFYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!
#buggy is looking for captain john's treasure... long john... i know that man..... (black sails flashbacks#33 hours until aces execution... luffy went on a day and a half bender where he nearly died like five times..... christ...#impel down is going by so fast... like i cant believe amazon lily is over already and i am in a reading slump.... 😭😭 STOOOP#the prison being like a dungeon.... i saw dungeon meshi i got that reference (girl whose only knowledge about dungeons comes from there)#sengoku knowing about ace and luffy being brothers.... garp when i get you.....#also the prisoner golden lion who escaped impel down and could fly... reference to dnd with the lion with wings... or is that dunmeshi only#its so nice to see bon clay again.... in this tragic prison.... we found friends in a hopeless place...#i cant watch luffy fight magellan knowing he's about to lose and then lose again but worse.... i can't....#also is magellan never returning??? i hope we see him again bc hes one of the few people luffy couldn't beat....#like ofc were going to see the admirals again and blackbeard and that will get solved just like kuma did (obv not in the same way) but him?#its so important that boa and bon clay and jimbei help luffy so much through this..... what can i say#my eyes are itching from tearing up akdjskskl we aren't making it to marineford like this.....#talking tag#reading one piece#impel down
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#okay so random tag post even though it's been ages#me thinks the current place i work is actually decent a la accepting-queer-ppl so?? miiiiight. consider actually putting my#pronouns in my email signature (which hardly gets used but shh) but like. the actual ones not the society/people assume anyway ones#idk i attended a virtual tech focused event for trans dov (yes early but they didn't want to put the event on sun) and you know when#everyone is just sharing their stories and experiences and it's just like... an overwhelming sense of community? anyway that#and since it was hosted by a professional org the topics were all workplace focused and mayhaps that's something i'm thinking abt for#this year. at least within our pride group I might be ready? wild bc for a long time tumblr has been the only place I feel comfy being 100%#myself. but hearing real people's stories makes me feel like that kind of community would be nice to have elsewhere too#and the whole looking to others also turns around into the leading by example thing bc then we had some breakout groups at the end for#networking which is not my favorite but! i did my intro and said I use she/her for work but will use she/they for this group and#then the next person said he/him at work but for this group he/they so that made me wonder if it was bc of me saying so first?#which if it was is kind of like oh. the way I'm looking for those people for me.. I can also be that for someone else#anyway this sounds dumb typed out but irl/professional me has always separated out queer identity so it's new to me#i'm allowed to be giddy okay. just a little. as a treat (is tumblr still using 'as a treat' i really hope so)#oh shit is this what gender euphoria feels like#alright that's it for now i think#gah emotions and whatnot#missed you all btw i'll start actually being online again soon#personal
16 notes
·
View notes
Text
can't lie g/omens fans are starting to piss me off
#cant rlly talk bc i watched it too like#but i cant imagine being so attached to a show that you are SOO desperate for s3 that you don't seem to care that one of the creators has#multiple extremely credible allegations against him. which when they were revealed a lot of his long term fanbase reacted by saying#'yeah that tracks there were rumours about him for years' like hello?????#are you really so desperate for a ship portrayed by two straight men and written by a straight creep to become canon??#remember when people tried to discredit the allegations by saying the timing was suspicious wrt the uk election. wild#also WHY did it take so long for mainstream media outlets to report on it. so weird i wanna know what happened there#like as far as i can see the bbc still hasn't reported on it???#which is crazy atp. he's not a household name but his work was successful and a lot of people would probably have heard of go or coraline#okay so i wrote this post and then googled and found out he'd been fired from the show. which GOOD#and then saved this to the drafts bc i figured it wasn't relevant anymore#but then i went into the tag and saw the fucking destiel meme meme saying 'we're not getting a full season :(' FUCK OFF OMG#the man has such credible allegations against him that even big corporations are refusing to employ him again#and the reaction is 'but we no longer get six hours of tv' oh my god#it's so late and im so tired maybe i won't be so annoyed about this after a full night's sleep#unlikely tho
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
the problem of the matter is i did internalize so much of what ex friend believed about me. even though i knew he was wrong and knew what was happening and tried to stop it and if i took more action to stop it would have been abusing power i held in a way i couldn't live with myself for.
#A BAD PERSON TRYING TO RUIN YOUR LIFE WOULD'VE GOTTEN YOU FIRED AND EVICTED IN WINTER IN ALASKA YOU MOTHERFUCKER. WHICH I DID NOT DO#he was renting a room from my dad. for cheaper than he wouldve been able to find anywhere else. his brother was too#his brother didn't pay rent for over 6 months and my dad just forgave him the debt because my dad knew how much of a difference it wouldve#made when he was that age. and i had told him ex friend was family to me & my dad applied that to the brother too. bc he is a good person.#and one of the strongest parts of my support system. and i didn't say a word to him about what was happening until i knew he already had a#plan for when he would be ending ex friend's lease. so there would be no subconscious impact on ex friend's housing either#mgmt at work straight up asked me if i thought ex friend should be fired immediately multiple times and i'm in retrospect livid they put me#in that position but told them to go by the strike system in the employee handbook and to follow policy that ex friend knew perfectly. that#it couldn't be on me as acting assistant manager to choose#and after 10 months of workplace harassment i got a different job to save my life. ex friend didn't get fired.#he did saw trap shit to my brain!!!!!! jesus christ#he moved cross country to live with his long time gf he called his wife despite never having met irl. to a way more conservative state.#despite being gay. and she left him this summer lol#hadn't checked his twitter in over a year when it got pulled up frm an old link and i saw that. and when he was already at a low point too#me voice. oh no who could've seen this coming. from how you behave in every relationship in your life#may delete this in the morning. but i have to talk about it sometimes#i'm never reaching out for closure both bc he wouldn't give me any and because i know it would trigger him and i don't intentionally trigge#people. unlike him :)#vampire pit#like. i have to talk about it sometimes. i have to talk about it.#jam posts
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
i agree with a lot of music fans and journalists/critics/artists that “lockdown”/“pandemic”/“quarantine” albums usually aren’t great and also don’t do very well, but i do think there is one truly incredible (at least in quality i haven’t looked at numbers and tbh i don’t really care) and maybe not the most obvious exception (well maybe it is obvious but i don’t see this album talked about a lot since like the month it came out and i don’t think i’ve seen it talked about in the conversations about art inspired by covid-19/lockdowns). anyway can we play a little game where you guys guess what album it is (this might help me find more good music or at least music you think i’d like as well as be [hopefully] fun!)
#i would also exclude folklore/evermore and unreal unearth from that statement not just bc i think they’re great but mostly bc i wouldn’t#call them ‘pandemic’ albums#like obviously folklore and evermore were made during that time but only two songs on folklore reference the pandemic/lockdown/isolation and#it’s sort of referenced in the sound in that both of those albums are generally quieter for taylor and that might reflect the actual#emotions of isolation and loneliness but i don’t think the sound necessarily reflects/refers to the actual material conditions of#lockdown or covid-19#rather folklore/evermore contain just a few lyrical and sonic references to the emotions caused by that situation but again. not as many as#there were initially perceived to be#side note i think actually the most ‘lockdown’ song on folklore or evermore is mirrorball#and i think the reason mirrorball works so well is that despite the fact that both the overall concept of the song and the lyrical content#seem to directly reference covid-19 lockdowns and closures#it (mirrorball) is still extremely relatable#and i think what’s absolutely true about the album i’m referring to in the actual text of the post#is that it is at least mostly very relatable for most people (although probably for women in particular)#and actually i would say that the album im talking about has very similar themes and concepts to mirrorball but translates and expands upon#them into the form of an entire album#ok very long side note over. in terms of unreal unearth not being a lockdown album it’s true that andrew has literally said it’s not one#but also there aren’t even any small lyrical sonic or conceptual references to the pandemic like i mentioned there are a few on folklore#and evermore.#i did watch an interview where andrew says there /might/ be one lyrical reference but i can’t find it (message me if you know what he meant)#i would call unreal unearth something that i think andrew is understandably hesitant to refer to it as#and that is a breakup album#and i think the reasons he’s hesitant to call it that is that sometimes when people say a piece of media is about a breakup they use that to#reduce both the emotions and experiences covered in the work and the quality of the work#but i also think that in music specifically breakup albums are often (not always. often) a seminal important and iconic moment in a career#and are in many cases considered by many to be the best or at least the most iconic albums by an artist#examples of that include Rumours and even Red#congrats if you read all these tags you’re a real champ#i have so much to say about this topic and topics related to it sorry!#love ya and please take a guess
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
The good news: I will have Chinese food tomorrow
The bad news: I have to see my mom as part of it :[
#speculation nation#negative/#i guess. i Am complaining.#i did agree to this. better to rip the bandaid off ahead of the family christmas.#but i havent talked to her since like... jeeze. i really think it's been over 2 years by this point now.#ignored all her calls and texts and Letters even#like what am i supposed to say? heyyy ma nice to see you (i guess). why havent i called? well uhhhhh#even in her letter she sent me it was essentially a nearly illegible journal she kept during a depressing as fuck time#something that really shouldve stayed as a journal. but no she wrapped it up stuck a sticker on it and drew some nail polish on the envelope#i am her child and yet she was using me as a therapist. venting things and In The Letter saying she didnt know why she said them#like. mom. you know you dont have to send me everything you write right? you know you can start over right?#but no she just writes with no filter. no consideration for me.#because she's a sad sad woman who sees her children as the only things worth living for#and i do say things. she doesn't fucking care about me as a person.#she just misses the experience of being these little impressionable people's Everything.#no one puts up with her bullshit these days and how sad is that?#so. well. that's the kind of reason why i havent talked to her. bc she's a fucking drain just to be around.#but shes my mother yada yada and something in me still feels maybe even slightly socially obligated to see her#really though i just want to see her Side of the family. i miss them. i haven't seen them in too long.#and in order to see them i have to see her. and i decided itd be best to see her ahead of time#so that family xmas is. at least slightly less awkward. hopefully.#what am i supposed to do if she tries to hug me or something? i dont want to hug her.#either she'll be all weepy that i havent been talking to her or she'll try to act like nothing's changed at all.#or maybe both. who knows. either way itll be entirely about her. as it always is.#i just need to make sure i dont end up alone with her#so long as my sister or grandma are there too she wont be As insufferable. hopefully.
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
feeling like such a loser lately and like is it the winter or is the introversion or is it the disability???
#for a while now its been so hard for me to discern if social stuff is hard because im ND or because im an introvert#theoretically i love parties but im horrible at them on my own#i dont know what to say or how to start conversations#i desperately want to mingle and talk to people and have a god time but idk how to start that interaction#esp because i dont love talking about my work/home life (bc it makes me feel like a loser!) so i dont want to ask people about their work#in case they reciprocate and ask me about mine#also the masking#the masking is exhausting#!#the ND masking not covid masking!!#im afraid ill have nothing to add to a conversation#im afraid when i do speak up that ill ramble about something no one cares about or talk fkr too long or being jn skmething that feels like#non sequitur and ill watch peoples eyes glaze over as they scan the room for others to talk with#i have no social anxiety about like asking for help or directions or “hey where did you get that pizza it smells so good”#or “omg i love your outfit!!!”#but in a room full of people who sort of know each ither#or like p much any space where there are clumps of people talking and im not in any of them?#i feel like a bother and incompetent#i crawled out from under my rock for my only social engagement this month and theyre on their 3rd of the day and loving it#hoping eventually i wont feel the need tk mask so much. i know that makes things so much harder#=
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
[redacted] fic is like. the longest and most enduring game of telephone
#just going 'no i can't say that. hate that phrase. this other one is decent but like who HASN'T written that phrase'#'is that physically possible? how long even is a limb.'#'now many people write that but it doesn't REALLY work like that does it..................'#and yknow 'i mean there's stuff we all get away with bc it's fic and there is an understanding of some. truth being stretched for the vibe#of it all. you don't want it TOO. real?????? no. scientific. but. again. other times.'#'you really wonder does a body move like that or did THAT writer see it in a different fic and used it. and that op saw it somewhere too'#'and now there is maybe a mildly skewed idea of it.'#'with positives and negatives about this i suppose.'#LOOK I KNOW WHAT I'M ON ABOUT OKAY
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
study smart not hard (altough both is best actually) this saying is so true
#my advice#but this saying is sooo true#i know some people at uni who study for exam so long and hard but then fail or just barely make it :(#like what are you doing? i don't mean this in a mean way but it doesn't have to be this difficult#i don't understand how some people can study for an exam for 2 weeks or even a month and still fail and i don't think they're stupid#or i don't see myself as particulary smart#but i guess they just waste their time a lot and i realized studying effective is so important#now everyone is a bit different and has to find what works best for them but there are certain techniques which are proven to work well#there is so much information on the internet on this look it up seriously#it made my life sm easier i never struggled in uni like i did in school and i get good grades#and if i ever struggled a bit it was because i started so late it was almost impossible to pass 😂#which is why to do both is still best 😂#but i actually always made it and i never failed an exam at uni (which i studied for)#(two i was fooled into to just try without studying bc it's easy lol)#i mean i shouldn't speak too soon but i already made it through some of the most difficult of my studies#ofc it depends on what you study how well this works but i'm speaking for myself#i once passed an exam with a B studying only 2 days as one of the best students while others studied 2 weeks#and got worse grades or failed#still studying only 2 days is stupidity don't do it 😅#so the techniques i find very helpful are ofc exam questions probably the best one#if there are none make your own#then blurting for which there are different ways but i like to just go over a topic and then write down everything i remember#then fill the gaps#quizlet is also great it's an app which allows you to create cards and then tests you in creative ways#videos can be helpful as well for summaries and using summaries in general is normally enough it saves you sm time#normally you don't actually need to know everything but you should be careful it's not a bad summary leaving out too much 😅#and i also like mindmaps bc i'm a very visual person#but all those tipps are mostly for remembering information so it doesn't work so well for other fields of study#well i hope this is somewhat helpful idk 🙈#oh and reading texts over and over again is the most useless in my opinion i don't remember much at all and it takes sm time
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
it is painful to learn the "normal" ways that people reasonably around my age were motivated to do things their parents wanted, ie chores or getting good grades in school. this is a pain that has built over time because, seeing it around me as a kid, i could reason that maybe every single one of my friends were just spoiled. but, eerily, every time it seems the topic of motivating children comes up in whatever conversation is bringing it up, it seems like. and it still feels presumptuous to say. but most people as children were rewarded for good behavior. the one i was most envious of as a child was that multiple of my friends got paid money for getting As, and it was actually very shocking to me to find out that that is at least kind of a little more universal than i really really was sure it was not, but that's not the big thing that causes me pause now. generally, it seems, children are rewarded in some way for doing things their parents ask of them. writing and then stepping back and reading such a sentence makes me feel like an alien trying to puzzle out the function of the human pancreas lmfao but i dont know. in the wider conversations where this happens to come up, describing these motivators is never the point, which is maybe part of the difficulty for me. it's really hard to process that not everyone was doing what their parents said to do out of cold pure fear for their life. there's so many things it turns out other kids were getting. stickers and movie tickets and candy and praise and love. i am so sad.
#abuse tw#its hard to evensay because in a way somehow im still sure every single person is going to turn on me#despite this having been a long growing revelation based on things other people have said without it even being possible for me to have#influenced what they were saying i am like#deeply sure somehow that everyone will Know i really am just the entitled spoiled ungrateful one#idiot dont you know everyone gets screamed at and hit and chased down until theyre cowering with their back to the wall begging for mercy#all possible exits blocked because you didnt want to go out to eat with the rest of your family after church service? why would you even sa#something stupid like what you just did. you know it was right after all. just like when you got a B in that class you remember and you kno#you KNOW what happened was right#you only whine to other people because youre such a fucking bitch trying to smear the good name of your poor parents. they suffer to the da#<- in my mind i write this and immediately every person i know comes out of the shadows to say this to me because its what theyve believed#and known all along and then they all leave me and i die here#i probably need to go back to therapy but ive spent 5 years doing weekly sessions + months in an institute and i dont know if at this point#anything is going to help#5 years of my life 5 years#ive heard what feels like fucking everything#i crack open a work book or jusgt a like a normal book on the topic of (insert mental disorder) and i have already read it a billion fuckin#times and i keep up with the meditation and the journaling until it drives me freaking bonkers and i have to take a break from the frustrat#-on like WHAT do i do. at this point fuck it we ball + just make sure to stay on alert for snake oil salesmen bc i know im vulnerable#in this sort of position
3 notes
·
View notes