#bc its not really a one and done type
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#gross. gross! i do not like this thing. two alternate angles under the cut for those of you who like this thing because i am about to tear#into it so hard. ahem#enamorus#this thing is ugly as fuck. all of the genies were already ugly as fuck and now this thing only makes that worse. all of their therian form#were like MILDLY better but this one takes that trend and just throws it out the window#like the anteater nose is FUNNY especially on a legendary but LORD DON'T MAKE ME LOOK AT IT#not to mention its boss fight taking place in the fucking SWAMP with all the SLOWY WATER#and it just ZOOMS AROUND AND TELEPORTS if i remember correctly#like the LAST fuckin pokémon in the pokédex you can catch and it looks like THIS??? why did we need another genie. what#i understand the trend in gen 8 where they kept adding new legendaries to already established like. groups. like regieleki and regidrago#but THIS group is one that DID NOT NEED ONE#like i can see the additions to the regis!!! they're cool additions and really modernize the trio into a quintet!! but this is just RIDICUL#sorry tumblr cut me off there. this is just RIDICULOUS#ooouuhhhuhuhuh all the other genies are buff men with beards but this one's a laaaady bc it's pink!! and fairy-type!!! and small!! a#NO!!!! STOP!!!!!!!!! WE DON'T NEED IT!!!!!! PUT THAT THING BACK WHERE IT CAME FROM OR SO HELP ME!!!!#it's literally like. the last pokémon in gen 9. i'm gonna have to start worrying about gen 9 models RIGHT after this#teechnically. i'm actually queuing this thing up before i'm done with all the hisuian forms so i have a bit of time#but it'll Look like it comes last in the queue right before gen 9#here's praying i have something figured out by then? but i doubt it because i've just started a new job#and that's probably gonna be taking a lot of my time until then
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look guys i actually did some spirit designs
[ID: the Hargreeves' spirits in the Paranatural au - or at least, the five of them that are kids in this au.
Luther's is an ape that looks like his body from the comics. Diego's is a creature that looks a bit like a small porcupine. Allison's is a large snake with its mouth duct taped shut. Klaus' is a blue raccoon with three eyes and a pink tail, and Viktor's is based off of the White Violin from the comics, except its head transforms into reaching arms. End ID.]
sorry, the ID got REALLY long this time. that's a summary for anyone scrolling, theres a more detailed one under the cut!
[ID: Luther's spirit is labelled First Simian In Space: THE MARTIAN APE. He looks like the ape that supplied Luther's body in the comics, drawn in the paranatural style; blue, with one eye. He is wearing an astronaut helmet and sitting in a coin operated rocket ship that is much too small for it. He has transformed the world around him into a scifi martian landscape; cardboard standups with doors and lockers scribbled on them are the only indication of the real world. Luther is sprawled on the ground staring in shock, while the Martian Ape says "Y'know, you should totally just kill your dad".
Diego's spirit is a very small creature that looks a bit like a porcupine.
Panel 1: Diego holds his spirit in his hands and says, "So, what's your name?". His spirit responds "I am called..."
Panel 2: A caption appears; Projectile Extraordinaire: KRAKEN. The image is in full color, focusing on Kraken, which glowers cutely and shows off her spines.
Panel 3: The same shot as panel one, except Diego now looks very skeptical. He says "..." and then "Why." Kraken responds "It sounded cool."
Allison's spirit is a giant green snake coiled around a tree branch, with a pattern down his back that looks like open mouths.
The first two images are centered on Allison, who is scowling in both. Someone unseen says "It can force people to do things, honey!" and "It's too dangerous to leave you alone with it." and finally, "So we fixed it."
The final image is of the spirit. He is captioned Muzzled Mind Controller: THE RUMOR. His mouth has been duct taped shut. He does not look pleased.
Klaus' spirit is a blue raccoon with dark purple legs and a fluffy striped pink tail. It also has three eyes.
Panel 1: The large colored closeup of Klaus' spirit. It is captioned Mystical Conartist: THE SEANCE.
Panel 2: Klaus asks it "With a name like that, what's your power?" The Seance, its nose just high enough to fit into frame, replies, "Oh, I can sense ghosts"
Panel 3: Klaus looks supremely unimpressed. In the background, a ghost says "Hi" to Allison and Luther, and they say "Oh, hey" back.
Panel 4: Klaus asks, "Seriously?"
Panel 5: The Seance, viewed from above, says "Hey, I can sense them even when they're not visible! Like behind walls and stuff!"
Panel 6: The Seance adds "Also I can float." It is demonstrating, floating about eye level with Klaus and emitting a cloud of cyan spectral energy as it does so. Klaus looks more pleased with this and says "Okay, that one's pretty good."
Viktor's spirit is a Wight, a spirit so warped by rage and pain that it has permanently been changed, its spectral energy has become white, and has gained massive, devastating power. It looks a lot like the design of the White Violin in the comics, but it manifests too many or too few arms from where its head should be.
There are three images of it. In the first, it is kneeling. It has manifested six arms in varying degrees of completeness, and all of them look sad.
In the second, the matter of its head has split into many small pieces that almost look like parts of mouths, save for two clawing hands. It screams, in the Wight spirit language from Paranatural, WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME.
In the third, the largest, its knees buckle as it stands and manifests one reaching hand. It is captioned Violent White: THE WHITE VIOLIN. End ID]
#tua#the umbrella academy#luther hargreeves#diego hargreeves#allison hargreeves#klaus hargreeves#uhhhh...#vanya hargreeves#?#thats definitely not viktor. and its not REALLY vanya either but it IS made to look like her#space boy#the kraken#the rumor#the seance#the white violin#i feel like those are all fair game#some notes in no particular order:#look i did a spirit language from the webcomic! literally the easiest one to make (and read) but still!#its called Wight Wail btw bc Paranatural is mostly puns by weight#omg guys should i do something where delores speaks in Cursed Words?#in order to speak cursed words you have to have killed people but. she deserves it#also after i finished lining almost all of them i wore out my wrist and have been waiting like a week for it to heal enough to draw#i can do most of the heavy lifting of coloring and shading left handed which helped stave off the boredom#but it still hurts and its been a week and i WANT TO BE DONE so i gave up on ever lining klaus' and colored the sketch i had#there was stuff i wanted to fix and change but... well nevermind doing that i guess lol#also hence the typed text instead of handwritten. i would have used the sketch text but that was ACTUALLY illegible#extranatural#paranatural au
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stiff ahh pose but crazy how its taken me Seven Months to draw a nagito that looks even somewhat remotely close to how he looks in my head. Big day
#nagito komaeda#sdr2#danganronpa#danganronpa fanart#fanart#art#finished#wikoart#ok im just gonna rant about how he looks ive done this before in ts but#Hair. ok you guys know those like cheap ass wigs that have been crimped or wtv you call it. Nagito#Not like the shiny plastic ones but like. The ones that have been really brushed up? i dont know it just feels very coarse i guess#not in the way that he doesnt like wash his hair bc he def does but thats just how his hair is#his mullet type thing is so important to me i can never really translate it well into my art#i got it here tho so. :33333#other important nagito design aspects because i love him a lot#back profile. big ass hood. semi baggy jeans. stupid eyelashes. the fold on the back of his jacket like midway down where it like goes out#the WALLET CHAIN.#the 55 on the back of his jacket#i just really like his jacket. its so ugly#wide ass shoulders#freakishly tall#i know hes only like 5’11 but you know thats still like a foot taller than me hes freakishly tall to me#bony hands#hes such a freak#i love him so much#his skin is def dry as hell#sandpaper#anemic so hes like freezing to thr touch#COLLARBONES
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i know it wasnt a serious comment but every time i look at a datv character and start thinking about their designs my blood starts boiling from the giving cosplayers a challenge comment
"The previous art director had the mindset we should make things easier for [cosplayers], which I think is a misunderstanding of cosplayers," he says. "We've seen the kind of challenges they're willing to take on, and so we've gone for, in some cases, a level of complexity and detail that I hope a lot of them are excited to rise to the challenge for." x
unrelated to my point but why are you dragging the previous games down. have you seen any of the designs you speak of mr art director. do you think merrill in da2 wasnt peak. or morrigan in origins? do you know how hard it is to make cosplay armor.
you could have just been like "hey the characters have a lot more detail than before! look at neve's hat and everyone's clothes every single inch being embroidered or otherwise patterned"
which also makes me think. was any thought put into the designs or did they just want to detailmaxx so they can brag. idk if they could have said anything that would turn me personally off more from cosplaying anyone or analyzing their outfits
#dragon age critical#please dont take me too seriously im just very petty#ive yet to this day cosplayed from da even tho ive been cosplaying for almost a decade (i know it doesnt look like it but#i do it as a casual hobby i dont aim to compete) and ive been a da fan for a long time as well#but its just. the outfits are hard man.#but now that ive discovered that foam is not the enemy... i kind of want to do something#merrill would be the most fun with her outfit but im not confident in cosplaying an elf woman in my size#which is so dumb i knoww but i dont want to feel like complete shit in my cosplay#but also... if i could make a chainmail type of fabric.... id cosplay her...#her normal outfit is cute but IMAGINE the romance outfit#that would take years to make though so maybe not#ah idk no one really has a design that speaks to me who i would feel comfy as#cole would be within my skills to make#i was going to say i would be comfortable as blackwall but he has a good strong nose so i would not look like him#oh ok ive done a very casual zevran and anders before. but for anders. i looked nothing like him bc of my face shape and felt like shit#i guess i could do hawke but thats so basic#idk! i have plenty of projects for now#but i do want to wventually coaplay a da character. just dont know who
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life is great when you're not a HUGE bitch that is mad with life and love and whimsy and you can simply enjoy different love stories without comparing them
#just. incredible really#im the biggest kanthony girlie#love them to death#LOVE enemies to lovers trope#my favorite forever#top 1 type of read tbh#not much a friends to lovers reader tbh#HOWEVER#!!#polin#is just. so beautiful.#so so so incredibly written#bc ITS BEEN THEM. SINCE SEASON ONE.#it doesnt feel rushed bc its been happening since the very first season.#we been seeing since the very first episode#and thats how it should be#and its so beautiful and magical#precisely bc its not like a thunderbolt from the sky#kanthony was also a slow burn. just a different type. and shorter. but just as incredible.#theres literally#no. fucking. reason.#for the amount of bitchy comments about polin.#its friends to lover. OF COURSE its not gonna be the fucking same as last season.#its a different trope plot and characters all together#and isnt that the whole fucking point of this goddamn series?#showcasing different ways of loving?#anyways. just saw waaay too many comments on instagram hating a season that aint even done yet lol stop comparing to last season#touch some grass ffs. honestly. and its some of these comments are about fran and john too like? are you insane? fr?#if friends to lovers isnt your cup of tea thats fine but theres no fucking reason to be commenting mean ass things about polin or the ACTORS#like fuck off honestly lol
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yugo from yugioh arc v could kill macbeth
Yes, Yugo from Yu-Gi-Oh! ARC-V could kill Macbeth!
Being an incarnation of Z-ARC after his soul was split by Ray Akaba that become its own separate person, he applies for the Unconventional Birth Clause and possibly Birth Parent Clause depending on which of the two aforementioned you credit his creation to (Z-ARC being male and Ray being female).
Thank you for your submission!
#asks#unconventional birth clause#birth parent clause#debatable character#yugo (arc v)#yugioh#yugioh arc v#arc v#ygo arc v#this one took a while bc 1. its really hard to type when wearing acrylics for the first time#and 2. i was pretty much done writing a response saying he couldnt when i found the evidence that he could#like his wiki page only brings up his relation to z-arc at all at the VERY bottom of his page. whadda hell#like that feels like something you put in the first paragraph right
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I need to be weirder about the scavengers and cannibalism...
#its been a long day... but im feeling better now. (thanks for the well wishes and such btw <3-)#(-sending my well wishes in return by tenfold bcs. damn. it seems stuff is really going around rn)#but yeah... just. augh. theres just smth about how the scavs sorta translate into more like. thriller-esque genres pretty well?#like. i feel somehow those themes compliment their characteristics? or could compliment their characteristics in a more rounded out way#sure. theyre generally a light hearted romp of absurdity with occasional themes of a not good not bad handling of 'mental health matters'#but they just really shine a bit in horrific circumstances. esp with the sort of absurdity they bring to the table#theyre odd people. even in the context of their generally weird and alien universe. and that right there feels like a trove of potential#its like. ok. the lost light crew? also odd. but thats a huge ship. full of people and variety and a sense of purpose and normalcy post-war#(normalcy being. whatever all those background folks were getting up too while plot happened around them. cruise ship stuff ig)#but in contrast. with the w.a.p crew. its an ark class ship with like. a handful of people. and a whole lot of junk and free time#both just cruising through space endlessly for years. one with hundreds of people. and one with like 6 people.#so both are technically isolated when theyre not making pit-stops planet or station side. but again. 100s vs 6 dudes.#think. top of the line cruise ship from hell with a small town sized populace vs a big shitty boat and 6 starving guys#both have the capacity to become case studies in madness. both could do really well thriller wise. but the scavs being a smaller group?#it only being the 6 of them emphasis the isolation perhaps. less variety. less change. same 6 people for 5(?) years#things could get weird fast. codependent mentalities. us vs them mindsets. an otherness about everyone else outside of their group#and then! then you add to the mix the fact that theyre eating/drinking from corpses?! *chefs kiss* awesome. love it.#non-stationary isolation + cannibalism. ough. perfect mix. a classic of maritime horror but in space! :D!#a big ship. small crew. living while knowing that as soon as you kick the bucket. your body is the meal. your body is the fuel.#no decorum about it. no faith. no belief. just perverse survival. bcs they might enjoy it. a bloody gluttony. with a bite. a sample. a taste#it takes seeing your buddy as a walking talking burger to another level. bcs every corpse you come across is also a burger. and a gas can#also fulcrum making candy out of corpses is so. particularly perfect when it comes to the horrifically absurd. just. smth about it. idk#but also also. the line. where was the line drawn for each of them? and when did they each cross it?#most of them dont seem like the type to jump head first into that. so how did they justify it to themselves? had they done it before?#and then. when did it become normal? a habit? smth enjoyable?#i might be running out of tags. but yeah. them being weirder. esp about each other and others.#nothing brings a group of people together like the overhanging knowledge that you sort of kinda wanna eat each other#(rlly wishing i could stomach realistic thrillers rn. but i just cant. gotta stick to written or artistic styles or risk panic attacks :/)#(ive tried a couple movies and shows now. and cant get through most of them. praise be synopses and peoples long rambles about them tho :D)#(nothing like reading someones passionate ramble about the meaning/symbolism of some gory nightmare without having to actually see it lol)
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No no ikr. The ENT fandom is so quiet around here. And honestly I'm just excited to see art of my favourite dudes, because we rarely get fanart around here, and when we do it's usually Trip or T'Pol solely. Malcolm gets left in the dust quite a lot so I'm happy you drew him as well - and so well done too!
Anyway, ramble over, lol.
OMG... Well I think I can see why a lot of fanart is of Trip and/or T'pol (those two seem like they're doing some heavy lifting for the show/are just a lot of people's faves. I've got a few half baked ideas in mind for them myself.) but the rest of the crew as a whole do deserve more love I think! :]
#(I'm hijacking this ask to talk about some ENT thoughts in the tags LMAO sorry 😭🙏)#I've been watching it for the first time with some friends who are also watching it for the first time with me like 90% of the time.#When Reed was introduced we did our silly little “omg. why is he british 😰” jokes but personally-#he has grown on me a lot. Very much my type of character so far I think... :]#ive got a few sketches involving him that wont see the light of day because they require five levels of inside jokes from my watch party 😭#but god. for the most part I like all the main crew characters#the only one I'm not 100% on is archer and i dont even know how to articulate why.#like I don't HATE him. but he is also very fun to dunk on.#and i enjoy scott bakula very much. its crazy how like. not intriguing or charming I find his depiction of archer mmmmmost of the time#which sucks bc i KNOW it could be awesome. but its not really there for me yet.... oh well.#but god. i wish i could go back in time and force some improvements into the way the show was handled.....#my list of demands. quit the excessive sexualisation of t'pol and hoshi. can we PLEASE stop underutilising mayweather. and honestly-#i think a bit more dramatic visual variety between the main human cast would help a bit#now its time to end MY ramble yet again 😭 i feel like if i talk about ent for too long i'll inevitably start complaining-#despite me still having a mostly enjoyable time... all that stuff just really feels kicked up to 11 compared to previous treks tho 😔#but its only bc i care 💔 i see so much potential where the writers really borked their shit#telegraff#themurdochmemesteries#i might get around to a few more doodles or meme redraws but i can never guarantee anything when I have a whole queue of stuff-#that needs to be done before I can draw whatever I want. but by god. the ideas and concept drafts are there. 💪💪💪😤#:] <3
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this is a test
#i’m bored i just wanna see how many words i can put in the tags like will it just keep going on forever or will they stop me like i know th#the tag limit is 30 ok so the iindividual tag limit is 140 characters that’s actually so rude i wanted to keep going forever and see how lo#g this could be but i guess we can do this 30 times ok what the flip should i talk about hm i was playing the guitar today but i rage quit#ause the song was hard and hurting my fingers! ermmmmm it was sunny ok this is boring let’s think of more exciting things to type hmmm acco#ding to all known laws of aviation- jk i’m not doing the bee movie script but can you imagine i think that would be funny hmmmmm words i lo#e podcasts so bad that’s a fact no one has ever know before my blog definitely isn’t all about audio dramas the people are definitely not a#ready aware of this jesus christ this is only the seventh one of these this is actually quite a lot of space i underestimated how much i ha#e to type btw there’s probably spelling mistakes in here somewhere or autocorrect has been annoying but i cba to retype anything so i don’t#care lolllllllllllll how do you feel about oscar malevolent i feel a normal amount actually (lie) yk what i really miss sam and colin alrea#y like i’m actually not okay i really hope we hear from sam again in s2 and also colin ngl i hope ur in the computers soz or not dead miss#im like a bastard my paranoid it king ok erm im running out of things to say um heartstopper s3 was crazy good i cried lmao i love gay peop#e so much it’s crazy i hope it gets renewed for s4 i need to reread the comics lowkey and the books they’re all so talented for being so yo#ng it scares me ngl !!!!!! the tmagp hiatus is getting to me slightly like february in reality is soon and not that far away for how podcas#ts go but seriously how am i supposed to live until then without knowing what happened. please colin be alive. ive only just realised i can#use fills stops. sorry that’s made everything a bit messy. i should’ve been doing this before. whoops. anyways. hi mutuals i love you all s#much i hope you enjoy my rambles and shitposts cause i enjoy yours very much! never think you’re being annoying i literally don’t care be a#annoying as you want posts as much as you want i am ur biggest fan <3 im getting a bit fatigued from typing like my mind is blank basically#now it’s just turned into a. stream of consciousness but i don’t really have any thoughts to put here idk if we’re halfway ermmmm omg it’s#lmost halloween how crazy is that time is flying by i kinda forgot it was october lmao. it’s wild how it’s basically almost christmas. like#what. that’s illegal. how is it wintertime again. what the flip. i miss summer already take me backkkkkkk. i hope my phone doesn’t crash or#smth cause i’ve not saved this as a draft and i cba to do any of this again. maybe i should save it. ok i will when i reach the next tag bc#ok it stopped me but i’ve saved it and holy jesus it’s a lot of text im just sat here giggling there’s really no point to any of this other#than me being bored sooooooooooooooooo (imagine if i just did the letter o for every character wouldn’t that be crazy) so wait there’s 140#haracters and 30 tags so what’s 30 x 140. someone hurry. i haven’t done maths lessons in two and a half years i’ve forgotten everything wai#let me get the calculator app ok im back it said 4100 characters so. i dont know how many words that roughly is but its. a decent amount. o#what the flip why am i wasting tag space with maths. i hate maths. my screen time has been actually soooooooooo bad recently like damn some#one put my phone in a block of ice please joshua gillespie style. my mind is running out of things to say. do i talk about myself. im james#im 18 which is weird cause wdym im an adult go away. ive run out of facts. i love podcasts and procedural dramas that stupid firefighter sh#w is my life unfortunately. i think chappell roan should be the queen of england instead of king charles. i dont like having a king cause#ho needs men in power not me. ok um this is the last tag equal rights for all. yolo. the time will pass anyways! thank u boredom ok bye gn:
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So ig I'll just paint some shit instead
Which wasn't the hyperfixation plan for the night but guess what
I wanted to make bracelets because I bought string and beads
But it turns out my string is too thick for the beads 🥸
#personal#the void#have any of you done cocaine?#👀#bc i want to try that out i think#and i was going to buy some for my birthday#but ... a close friend explicitly told me not to do it#which makes me want to do it more#is this bratty behavior?#he told me hes done it before and i thought it sounded fun#but we talked about how i get hooked on stuff easy and bc ive never done 'real drugs' itd probably be a bad idea#bc its not really a one and done type#but...it might be#i quit smoking cold turkey so? maybe the addictive personality would just need something else to attach to?#so maybe try it and then start something else immediately after#lmao maybe anon is right and i should just sleep with strangers bc that could replace the high from coke ig?#so again - anybody have coke stories to tell me?#do you read my tags lol
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/ Do u guys remember how back in the day, if u typed on tunglr search bar the name of whatever character/fandom u were interested in following rp blogs about, u would find their promos everywhere? like I recall back in the day searching 'fgo rp blog' for the tag and having a really high chance of stumbling across peeps writing characters for that fandom
#;ooc#ooc#and i dont mean ageeeees ago; i mean like; 2019-2020?#i remember in my case doing the same; like if i wrote d.antes from f.ate i would type on his promo e.dmond d.antes r.p blog and stuff#i kind of miss that; i can say from my end i stopped doing it for the fear of personals spamming my notifications#and bc at one point ur kind of just vibin with ur mutuals? like if someone finds me and follows me; great! but i rarely branch out anymore?#so i dont really do promos anymore; but i should bc its a fun thing to do; i havent done one in what feels like ageeeees#also the x readers posts make it really hard nowadays i should blacklist that tag
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sighs and collapses and disintegrates into the wind
#Seven’s Public Diary#vent post#cw vent post#ah yes. another restless nights sleep in a cold room bc i was too upset and sick to eat enough yesterday and my nightmares won’t let up and#my heater isn’t enough to warm the room when it’s this fucking cold outside. but it’s fine bc i don’t think i deserve to be warmer anyway#i should get water but i’ve been stuck laying here for an hour wondering if im racist and feeling like i should just. leave. or smthn. idk#i need a caregiver so there’s someone here to stop me from doomscrolling tumblr and reddit discourse for two hours before bed. lol#but ig no matter how careful i try to be there’ll always be part of me thats. unconsciously? racist? bc im white so its just part of me#idk im not educated enough to talk about it so i guess the real lesson to learn here is to keep my fucking mouth shut. which i can do!#i don’t. know how to apologize correctly. bc no one wants to hear me piss and moan abt my white guilt. if that’s what it even is#im too stupid to understand what to do or say and the more i type the worse it sounds so im just. sorry. i apologize for anything i’ve said#or done. that wasn’t right or was insensitive or thoughtless or uneducated or. whatever else it is i rlly don’t know#i didn’t mean to use AAVE. i really didn’t know. so i’ll go edit the tag where i used it but. that’s only one example. how many more am i#unaware of? how often do i put my foot in my mouth and not know it? im sorry. i’ll try to do better#but there’s so much to be mindful of that i can’t keep track of it all and it’s overwhelming me so i think i should just. be quiet.#‘always a fanfic writer at the scene of the crime’ i. didn’t know there was a connection between racism and fanfic. now im worried#was that just an easy jab to make bc it’s cringe or is it actually problematic. why does it seem like theres smthn wrong w everything i do#anyways. i have to stop thinking abt it or im gonna anxiety vomit. i could go lay on the couch#it in the only warm room of the house but it’s covered in dog hair and i hate the smell from the stupid fucking propane heater#it gives me a headache and makes me paranoid. why did he install gas heat when he could’ve gone with a heat pump. all he did was make#everything harder on everybody. so now we have dangerous gas heat in the winter and shitty mold-filled window ac units in the summer#when he could’ve installed a heat pump/ac unit combo thingy and we would’ve been good to go. why is he like this.#YOURE A GODDAMN ELECTRICIAN. HAVE BEEN YOUR WHOLE LIFE. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT. SO ACT LIKE IT.#im staying in bed. the rest of the house reeks of burnt plastic bc SOMEONE decided to take FOUR sedatives and drink a couple beers before#trying to use the stove to cook dinner :))) so now i have to figure out how to clean that up. i take back everything i said about winter#being my favorite season. this shit fucking sucks. there’s so much more to stress over and it’s all so much more expensive and exhausting#i never want another dog or cat ever again after these two pass. im not the person i once was and i cannot care for them like i used to.#i can’t even care for myself. couldn’t if i Wanted to right now bc everything is frozen solid. can’t shower. can’t do any laundry.#just get to sit here filthy cold and miserable in the one clean-ish sweater i have left for ? days until temps get back above freezing#anyways thats enough bitching abt my first world problems. time to shut up and be grateful for what i Do have bc it could be a Lot worse
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aouuugh my uterus......
#long long day at work codeine wasnt helping with cramps and my meds are less effective on my period :(#ive been doing okay most of the day tho just starting feeling kind of miserable omw home bc such a long wait at the bus stop in pain#and im kind of lonely at the moment but wont be able to climb tomorrow bc of cramps so thats my main social source gone :(#and it always feels worse at home bc if im having a hard time like in physical pain or feeling down my roommate cant rly handle it#like she cant rly be in the room with me the headphones go straight on. which is ok im realising its just how her type of autism works#so im trying not to get as upset at her abt it. with varying degrees of success but it just takes time#i mean i dont get upset AT her like ik its not her fault and i dont want her feeling like it is. I keep it internal + cry once im alone#just different social needs n boundaries innit. we're a bit incompatible is all#but its still hard. I'd like support from other ppl when I'm struggling i mean i think thats a fairly normal thing to want#but of the friends I would be comfortable talking to abt how i feel none of them have that kind of emotional availability#which again is ok like its not on them. and im very capable of dealing w my shit myself one way or another so its not a Need#but idk. it would just be nice. I feel like I've had to be so independent most of my teenage and adult life and I wish I could take a#break from that sometimes. even just a hug would be nice man#sorry i always come on here and talk abt the same problems... well youll see me do it again no doubt abt that 🫠#ughh and i feel so guilty for wanting things ppl cant give even though i know its not really my fault either and im allowed to want things#and i dont cross boundaries or make them feel bad abt it. i really hope i dont anyway. but still ahhh...#its so hard for me to feel connected to anyone if they cant rly engage w me emotionally at all like its a non negotiable#factor into closeness and trust for me and i get so frustrated bc i feel so distant and alienated from the ppl i care abt most#and ik i overreact bc of my rsd so maybe its just that its probably not even a real issue. but its real to me bc im the one who gets upset#man. anyway its okay just a really really long day. im gonna wash my dishes and then shower#and finish my book. maybe i should play some dead cells i miss it. i dont really want to think abt how i feel anymore#maybe ill see if anyones free to hang out tmr evening so i dont have to feel as lonely even if i cant leave the house after work#all good nice to have a plan anyway. done sniffling. my hot water bottle is helping thr cramps a littlr i think#.diaries#oh i dont think its helping actually ow. i took more codeine an hour ago why doesnt it do anything. not fairrr 😭
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managed to fuck up my wrist to the point that i can pop the radius back into place but it just comes right back out as soon as i stop putting tons of pressure on it. also it hurts so bad :/
have caught myself genuinely considering breaking my wrist several times now so that i can get some kind of treatment or medication for it. bc the baby tylenol level shit that pain management gives me is um. literally not doing a single goddamn thing. as always.
#tdf is on hold for obvious reasons. i also cant really prep fiber with my thumb messed up bc the fibers catch on the bandaid#and if i dont have a bandaid they catch on the wound#this is the same hand as the subluxated wrist and its my preferred hand#so i tend to do stuff that requires precision with it#and with that hand fucked up i literally cant do anything#typing this is very painful for example#however its almost equally painful to lie in bed doing nothing. so.#chronic illness#i just. wish i was not in this much pain right now#none of my usual stuff is helping at all#its just this constant horrible throbbing bc one of my bones is out of place#and has been all day#would love to smoke some weed but im Not Allowed bc the lease says no smoking even outside#and the landlord lives next door and can evict us whenever for any reason under some obscure 'if you live next to your tenant' law#so ! i cannot even do that#and im out of edibles. and have no money lol#ok done complaining i am gonna go curl up in bed again
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give me 5 reasons not to jump out of my window
#sorry its just#its 2 in the morning for my old man constitution and its the middke of doom week#AND i just finished an existentialism paper#ON NIETZSCHE#youd think id no how to spell that after 5 hours of typing and retyping his name but i DONT#1. bc i have to become an archaeologist for Petty Reasons for Spite Reasons#2. bc i have to become an archaeologist for cool 'baby jay wanted to do this and so does adult jay' reasons#3. my dog would miss me#4. my friends would miss me#5. i cant die till they can legally put dr on my grvestone#6. i havent written a book yet and the world deserves to see me zombie boyfriends#7. i havent actually done anything truly cursed yet#8. jumping out of a window is Not an interesting death i want to die in a cool way#9. i need to defend said existential paper in front of my favourite professor and best my entire class in verbal combat#10. i dont actually want to die i just want sleep and a hot cup of cocoa and maybe for finals week to be done with#yeah#i feel better after that#i actually really love my life because if you went back in time and told 12 yr old jay that they write about THE FRIEDRICH NIETZSCHE one day#they would be shocked and in awe and find me so so cool bc they loved the Idea of studying philosophy even if they werent sure what it was#and thats kinda cool#i am my own hero and i am literally the coolest person to my younger self#and thats amazing#anyway#this acrually turned out kinda cheerful when i thought it would be a rant post#lol#abyway gonna go cram anthro and socio now bc apparently i keep taking ws
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#yet again i fail to convince my counselor i have executive function problems. mostly its bc i dont think well in the moment but also i just#feel kinda weird rn so i was having trouble making my thoughts connect. but i swear to christ i do have problems making my executives#function. i think the issue is im a grad student so i do well in school. not that it matters bc i kno loads of grad students with pretty#god awful adhd. one of my former lab mates was like. Adderall barely made her normal. and yet she was still a phd student#so like. its possible to have executive function issues as a grad student. the problem with me is the obsessive thoughts and self#destructive behavior so to her it sounds like im telling myself that i cant get my brain to work unless i put myself under extreme pressure#rather than i cant get my brain to work so to cope im putting myself under extreme pressure bc if i dont nothing gets done#but like fucking if i try to relax i dont do things. i cant clean my kitchen or my room or take out the trash or do my laundry#and im not like not doing it bc i dont wanna. these things r causing me active distress but i cant flip the switch that makes them happen#ive gotta write a grant proposal. read a paper. and find a paper to discuss by tomorrow morning. i had time to do all of this before but i#didnt do it. y didnt i do it? fucking i dont kno. ugh. whatever. i got refered to a psychiatrist so well see what happens there#i did accidentally set the meeting to when i meet with my advisor tho. oops. also my counselor said it sounds like im a rat running on a#wheel. which is accurate but also a really fucking funny thing to have said abt u. ur r a scrawny neglected lil rat. boohoo.#idk what type of medication she thinks i should b on. like what symptom r we trying to exhaust? the 0cd or the mood issues?#i dont even kno what the issue is. not that i guess it matters. idk. i need to read and write. fucking hell#unrelated
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