#bc it felt like my safe space was being taken away

[alrightieaphroditie]

wipe my tears away | j.m.

*:·ﾟ✧ series masterlist | previous part!

pairing *:·ﾟ afab!reader x joel miller wc *:·ﾟ6.6k  warnings *:·ﾟ18+! minors please do not interact!! talk of period pain, hormonal emotions, crying, kissing, some manhandling (if you squint), sad attempt at dirty talk, period play (lightly), fingering, maybe some degradation (not really sure), clit stimulation, overstimulation, multiple orgasms (f receiving), squirting/messy cum, p in v penetration (not protected, do better!), one mention of blood… please let me know if i’m missing any major ones!  an *:·ﾟthis is for the girlies who get over emotional during their periods (they are me, i am them). this is a bit longer than intended, but once i got in the zone i literally couldn’t stop, so i hope y’all will enjoy it! kind of unedited, so if anything major jumps out feel free to comment lol. i also wrote this with correct capitalization, where all my previous fics were lowercase bc i couldn’t be bothered to turn on auto caps, so let me know if y’all prefer this format!  check the series masterlist for the series tags!

synopsis *:·ﾟ joel comes home to find you laying in bed, crying because of period pain. he may not be a full gentleman, but he wouldn’t let you suffer when he has a trick up his sleeve to help sooth the cramps. 

The pain that begins in your lower abdomen, the feeling that radiates throughout the rest of your lower body with enough force to make you wince, isn’t entirely new. It’s a monthly occurrence, actually. One that you feel like you should be used to by now, considering it’s plagued you for more than half your life. 

But the outbreak had already happened when you first got your period as a teen, and for a while, your body wasn’t receiving the nutrients it needed to sustain that kind of function. It was a double-edged sword, the way you were appreciative that you haven’t had it this bad your entire life, while ruminating on the losses that occurred due to the infection. 

Because it was a different story, now. 

Now, you were eating more than you could ever remember before. Jackson was a thriving community, after all. And you were beyond blessed that you were one of the lucky ones who got to reside within its gates. Now, your body was properly fed and being taken care of for the first time in years, and that double-edged sword reared in your mind again; thankful for the safe space you’ve landed upon, but God, at what cost? Your period pain took you out for days each month, making you feel like a burden even though you physically couldn’t help it. 

Your toe stubbed against a chair in your living room as another cramp worked its way through your body, causing you to cry out for more than one reason. Tears filled your waterline, and a heavy sigh escaped past your lips. The rough material of your jeans was digging into your waistline, your hair felt heavy against your neck and each strand that brushed against your cheek made you want to cut it off, and you just felt so useless. Some logical part of your brain realized this wasn’t really you feeling this way, it was just the hormonal shift, but that didn’t provide any sense of comfort as the tears continued to glide down your face. 

In some ways, you were lucky, as today had been your day off from helping around Jackson. Otherwise, that sense of being a burden to everyone would’ve increased tenfold. You couldn't stop feeling like a burden to yourself, though. You had made a perfectly organized to-do list that was hanging on your fridge of things you wanted to tackle today. 

Your sheets needed to be washed. The floors needed to be swept and mopped, especially after the rain, as Joel and Ellie continued to trek mud through your house by accident. Maria had given you some of the spices that grew in abundance, and you wanted to make one of those simmer pots on the stove that she kept mentioning. 

But doing those chores was the last thing on your mind right now, as another cramp racked its way through your body. Now, you just wanted to go lay in bed wearing nothing but Joel's shirt that you had thrown on earlier and cry while hugging a pillow.

 And so, that’s what you did. 

Your vision was watery as your fingers swiftly worked to unbutton your pants, your feet carrying you out of the living room and into your bedroom before you really even realized what you were doing. Once you hit your bedside, you tugged the jeans down your legs, letting them pool at your feet and leaving them on the ground as you crawl into bed, feeling about as pathetic as you probably looked. Curling up on your side, you reach out blindly and grab onto Joel's pillow, tucking it against your body and letting it provide you a false sense of comfort. After that, the tears start flowing freely. 

You didn’t know how long you laid there, didn’t know how long the sound of your sniffles had filled the room or how long you pressed the pillow against your abdomen. The cramps were still relentless, and it wasn’t like you even had any medicine you could take; expired Tylenol did absolutely nothing anymore. You wish you were more used to this feeling, this pain. But it seemed like the longer you were at Jackson, the worse the symptoms became each month. You had yet to figure out the remedies that were foolproof for this feeling. 

Continuous tears turned into lonely, stray droplets as you held onto the pillow. The room was silent except for the occasional sniff. You had zeroed in on an undone thread on the pillowcase, not paying attention to your surroundings, so you didn’t hear the sound of the front door being pushed open, or the sound of Joel's work boots stomping across the wooden floors. In the corners of your mind, you recognized the voice that was muttering to himself outside your room, but your eyes stayed focused on that singular thread. 

The thought of it being lonely, being apart from the other threads holding the fabric together, made your eyes water again. You could put yourself in its position, the ever present fear of being alone daunting you even now, and that was enough to send the tears over your waterline, racing down your cheeks and onto the pillow once again. The hiccup that came from your inhale was the noise that had the footfalls move towards your room, and through your blurry vision you saw the outline of Joel standing in the doorway. 

“What's wrong?” Through your sniffles, you could sense his urgency, his rough voice filled with nothing but concern, and maybe a little worry. His gaze swept over your body, checking for any possible injury. This was the first time he’d seen you break down to this level, and the sight of you curled into a fetal position, tears streaming down your face with his pillow in your grasp… he prayed to God that another person wasn’t involved with making you feel this way.

It would be a shame to lose his good reputation amongst Jackson because he had to beat some fucker up. 

Your gaze swung up to his face, and you made yourself blink harshly to expel the lingering tears. His face came into focus, the worry lines on his forehead becoming more clear to compliment the frown on his full lips. He had a spot of dirt streaking across his forehead, and his clothes were dirty from spending the day working outside. For whatever reason, the fact that Joel had been out working in the heat for most of the day while you couldn’t even manage to get up and wash your bedsheets made your emotions spiral even more. What is wrong with me? you wondered, hugging the pillow tighter to your body. 

The sound of his work bag hitting the floor echoed through the room, soon followed by the shuffle of his boots being kicked off his feet. His hands were gently pulling the pillow away before you could even register that he was in front of you now, but you felt the bed dip under his weight as he perched himself at the edge. His broad hand rested on your elbow before sliding up your arm, gently caressing your skin until he reached the side of your face. The calluses on his thumb scratched against your skin as he swiped the digit under your eye, wiping away the tears that had pooled. 

“Baby, what’s wrong?” his voice was softer this time, comforting you in a way that had you feeling alright for the first time today. You leaned up on your elbows, and Joel helped guide you into a sitting position across from him, your hands holding on to one of his while his other cupped your face, thumb swiping against skin. The action of sitting up had your cramps rearing their ugly heads again, and your wince was subtle but extremely obvious to Joel, evident by the furrowing of his eyebrows. 

“My uterus is what’s wrong,” the scratchiness of your throat had you coughing slightly, and you worked to clear it before trying again, voice nearly as weak as you felt. “I'm on my period.” Joel's eyes widened in surprise at your admission, but he quickly schooled his features.

This wasn’t his first rodeo; he’d been with you for awhile now, but noticed that each month your symptoms were different. Sometimes, your sudden anger at everything gave away the fact that it was that time of the month. Other times, it was your sweet tooth and your cravings that gave it away. Rarely was it your tears, though, and his heart lurched at this new response. 

When your hands went to wrap around your stomach, applying pressure lightly to help ease the throbbing, his free hand came up to the other side of your face. “‘m sorry, darlin. Know that ain’t the best feeling in the world,” his thumbs were doing a stand up job at wiping away the tears on your cheeks, and soon the only sign that you had been crying was the red glaze surrounding your pupils. 

And the occasional sniffle. 

You leaned into his touch, eyes closing at the surprising amount of comfort that you felt from a pair of hands. You always felt at peace with Joel, though, so you weren’t surprised that his hands had this effect on you. You focused on the rough pads of his skin against the smooth texture of your own, taking in big breaths of air through your nose as your crying spell passed through you. Now you were thinking a little more clearly and felt a little embarrassed by the fact that Joel had walked in on you crying over a thread on a pillow case. Not that he’d ever know that’s what you were crying about. 

“It's okay. I'm sorry if i scared you or anything,” you started, opening your eyes to meet Joel's dark gaze. You offered him a small smile. “I really just need to learn how to deal with these cramps without them taking over my day. They seem to be getting worse and worse each month.” Your hands trailed up to grip his forearms, squeezing them affectionately as a wave of exhaustion flitted through your body. 

Joel's eyes squinted slightly. “Cramps, huh?” he mused, the corner of his mouth quirking up ever so slightly. In the far corner of his mind, he recalled a younger Tommy swearing by a foolproof activity that helped one of his girlfriends with her cramps when medicine didn’t cut it. He wasn’t sure he believed Tommy then, or even now, for that matter. But he knew how much you struggled with the pain, and he’d feel like a real jerk if he didn’t at least give this a go. 

“Think I know somethin’ that could help with that.” He pulled your head forward, pressing a chaste kiss on top of your forehead before dropping his hands and pushing off of the bed. You were slightly dazed, partly at the display of affection but also at the quickness in which Joel was walking to the bathroom. When he came back into the room with an old towel, you couldn’t help but look at him suspiciously. 

“Joel…”

“Do you trust me?” He asked, tossing the towel on the bed and leaning down to look at you, eye to eye. His demeanor was calm, but his eyes shined with a hint of mischievousness, and the smirk on his mouth was nothing but trouble. It made him look younger, almost. Like the gray in his beard and around the temples of his hair was there prematurely. You wondered if he was like that more before the outbreak, and you reveled in this glimpse of his past self that he was allowing you to see. 

“Of course I do.” Your answer was absolute, eyes showing no signs of distrust or wariness as you maintained contact with Joel’s. He reveled in the sureness of your answer, in the fact that it didn’t even take you more than a second to respond to his question. The smirk became a full blown grin, and you couldn’t help but mirror it on your own face as you wondered what the heck this man was thinking. 

“Good. In that case, I'm gonna go clean myself up,” his lips pressed against yours in a swift kiss before he backed away, fingers stretching to the hem of his t-shirt. “You’re gonna strip out of those panties, spread that towel out underneath you, and wait for me to come back. Okay?” One of his eyebrows notched up, awaiting your response. 

“Sir, yes, sir,” you teased, sending him off with a mocking salute. It earned you an eye roll, something he had been picking up more and more from Ellie's influence, no doubt. The sound of your giggle followed him into the bathroom, where he quickly worked to discard his dirty clothes and rinse off. The thought of you laying in bed with just his t-shirt on had him adjusting himself underneath the water stream. 

Meanwhile, you were working at a slower pace. 

You gingerly took the threadbare towel between your hands, kneeling up on your knees to place it where you thought would work best. You were starting to get an idea of what Joel was planning, and while you’ve never done anything like this before, you weren’t absolutely hating it. After you had smoothed the fabric out, you climbed back against the pillows, hooking your thumbs under the waistband of your panties and sliding them down. The pad on the inside showed slight signs of blood, so at least you weren’t bleeding too heavily right now. Usually that came after a day or two of the cramps. 

You were combing your fingers through your hair when Joel walked back into the room, pausing at the threshold while you both took each other in. His hair was damp, droplets of water occasionally dripping on his forehead, brushed back at the edges and the tops to keep it out of his face. He had been growing it out a little longer, though you knew when summer fully came around, it’d be time to clip it. 

He’d changed out of a plain, gray t-shirt into another plain, gray t-shirt - clearly a staple in his wardrobe - and you had to admire the way he was filling it out. The sleeves hugged the middle of his biceps, straining against the pure muscle that had been building up. The shirt fit loose around his chest, but you could see the way it was snug around his tummy area, the small pouch of his stomach highlighted by the thin material. 

You weren’t the only one who had been eating better since arriving at Jackson; Joel was starting to bulk up and you were loving it. 

Having ended his workday earlier, and foreseeing spending the rest of the day in bed with you, he had pulled on a pair of flannel pajama pants that clung to his thighs and offered very little to the imagination when it came to the thick imprint between his legs. The sight of him had your thighs clenching together automatically, heat racing through your body like a fever. 

And he knew it, too. You could tell by the smirk on his lips, the way his gaze strayed from your eyes to your legs. He loved having that affect on you, loved seeing how needy you became by just the thought of being with him. 

He walked to the other side of the bed, his eyes focused solely on you in his red shirt, the way your legs were crossed at the bottom, giving him just the smallest peak of bare skin underneath. You listen to him so well, he couldn’t help but admire. You gave him your trust so easily, and that was one of the few things that Joel considered to be precious in this world. He'd never make you regret that choice. 

Leaning up on your elbows, your body naturally turned towards him when he finally settled himself on his side next to you. One of his arms slipped behind your head, tucking you into his body as the other came up to guide your face to his. His lips were soft against your own, and all the tension you had felt from crying earlier completely disappeared. 

Your hands clung to his arm as he kissed you, a soft sigh escaping through your lips. Joel took the opening to deepen the kiss, sliding his tongue against your bottom lip before dipping it into your mouth. Your mind was growing fuzzy, and you simply let Joel manipulate you how he wanted, eagerly offering yourself to him. 

His mouth stayed on yours, your noses brushing against each other with every tilt of the head, but his hand strayed from your cheek. It paved a path to the collar of the t-shirt, where he fisted the material and tugged it towards himself, halfway pulling you on top of him with the movement. Your hands flung out to his chest to stop yourself from completely crashing into him, and a groan sounded against your mouth as Joel felt the tips of your fingers dig into the skin. 

He soon abandoned the collar, letting his palm slide down the expanse of your torso and bunching the shirt up a little before settling it right over your lower abdomen, fingers splayed out wide against your bare skin. The heat radiating from his palm on your skin was like your own personal heating pad; the soreness that ebbed from your cramps seemed to dissipate the longer his hand rested against your skin, the action making your head spin as you focused on breathing through your nose as Joel’s tongue traced along yours. 

Joel’s mouth trailed from your lips down to your jaw, down to your neck. The stubble growing on his face scratched at your skin when he nuzzled himself in the crook of your neck, causing a combination of a laugh and a moan to flutter past your lips. You could feel him smile against your skin before nipping at it gently, using his lips and tongue to ebb the slight pain away. You could feel him sucking at your skin, and you knew in the morning you’d regret the red and purple marks that would litter your skin, but right now, the feeling was absolute heaven. 

“Spread those legs for me, baby.” The words were whispered against your skin, accompanied by a quick tap to your thighs. You didn’t hesitate to obey; your left leg fell to the side while you rested your right leg on top of Joel's. His hand slipped from your stomach to your upper thigh, gripping the fleshy inside as he helped adjust it higher on his body. 

The cool air from the fan had you shivering as it made contact with your bare skin, emphasizing the wet slick that had formed between your legs. Joel's mouth found itself back on yours, his kiss turning punishing, almost, as his hand slowly moved down your inner thigh; his teeth were biting and pulling at your lower lip, his fingers were digging into your skin as he kneaded and gripped your thigh. 

“Joel,” you mewled, stretching up slightly to angle your hips closer to his hand. You were settled in the crook of his elbow, and his arm came up to bare against your throat ever so slightly. He essentially had you in a headlock, and you were helpless to anything he administered. Goosebumps prickled along your skin, and you whined once more when his fingers brushed against the crease of your leg. 

“Shh, s’okay, baby. Let me take care of you,” his words were soothing, soft. A complete contrast to the way he was handling your body, and it was all you could do but nod in response, eyes wide and trusting as they held contact with him. His pupils were so dilated that you could barely see the rim of brown, even this close. 

Another sharp tap to your inner thigh had you gasping, and Joel's mouth formed into a smirk as his calloused fingers eased the spot. You’d like to blame the hormones fluttering around your body for the desperation you were feeling for Joel, but part of you knew that he simply just had this affect on you. You always grew so needy for his attention, for his touch. Being with him was the only time your brain truly shut off and allowed you to feel safe, relaxed. 

His fingertips were stroking the inside of your thigh like it was the strings on one of his guitars, a slow but firm sensation that had you humming; he was playing a different kind of instrument with you. You could feel yourself growing slicker, the bubble in your chest expanding as he teased you, touched you. 

“Joel, please…” you trailed off, turning your head to the side and bumping the edge of his jaw with your nose. His gaze had slipped to where his fingers were caressing your skin, basking in the suppleness of your skin that so vastly compared to the roughness of his. You felt like a dream. 

“Such pretty manners,.” he mocked, grinning to himself before meeting your eyes once more. “Since you asked nicely, though…” The kiss he pressed on your nose was soft, but your focus was on how his fingers were finally crossing over the crease in your thigh, finally trailing down to your core. 

The first swipe of his fingers through your folds had a small moan emit from your mouth, and a curse came from Joel’s as he felt how wet you were already. “Shit, baby,” he muttered to himself more than anything, watching his fingers as he lifted them up into the light to see the shine. Chest heaving, you watched as he brought his fingers up to his mouth, watched as he placed them on his tongue before closing his lips around the digits and sucking on them while he pulled them out. 

His fingers were now wet with his spit, evident by the thin strand of saliva still connecting his mouth to his fingers. The sight alone had your toes curling against the mattress, your mouth open slightly as you watched him bring his hand back down to your pussy. Your breath left you as his second swipe was firmer, the tips of his fingers passing along your clit for a brief moment before moving back down. 

His forearm flexed slightly against your neck, his free hand moving down to brush against the top of your chest. One of your hands moved to grip his arm, nails digging into skin ever so slightly as Joel’s fingers brushed your entrance, swirling around slightly to gather the wetness that had formed. A soft sigh left his mouth as he felt you, and the next moment, two of his fingers were swiftly pushing inside of you. 

“Joel!” You gasped out, back arching into his touch as he pumped his fingers into you once, twice, three times before pulling them out. Joel huffed out a laugh at your whine from the loss of contact, glancing down at you to see your reaction to him circling your clit with the pad of his thumb. He was rewarded with the softest of sighs, and the sight of your eyes rolling shut while your mouth parted open. 

He didn’t hesitate to capture your lips with his, his mouth against yours as firm as his thumb on your clit. The kiss was quick, and Joel’s nose brushed against yours as he pulled back ever so slightly. “Such a pretty girl, achin’ for me to fill you up. My fingers feel real nice against your pussy now, don't they, baby?” 

A short and snappy nod was your form of a response, as you were solely focused on the way Joel’s middle finger was circling your clit now. Your hips bucked up as waves of pleasure wracked your body, Joel’s expert fingers bringing you relief you so desperately needed. The action had Joel smirking above you, had his hips grinding slightly against your thigh in a sad attempt at getting some friction for his now hard cock. 

Joel pulled back from his admissions on your clit, sliding his middle finger through the center of you before slowly inserting it back inside you. The gasp that left your mouth was music to his ears, and he began moving it in and out, curling it up once it was fully inside your wet pussy. Head falling back against Joel’s arm, your legs widening even further as Joel picked up a steady rhythm with his one finger. 

“So good, Joel,” you rasped, voice breathless as Joel’s finger curled against the spongy part inside of you that had your body jerking in response. Licking your lips, you pulled the bottom lip into your mouth, teeth sinking in as the pleasure continued to build up in your body. Your right hand moved to rest on his wrist, while the other stayed gripping his left forearm. 

Basking in your praise, Joel withdrew his middle finger and, when he pumped it back inside, added his ring finger. The addition had you groaning, feeling his two fingers stretch you out slowly as he pushed them inside and pulled them out. You felt Joel’s lips press against your forehead as he worked to pick up the pace, and soon all that could be heard in the room was the wet sound of your pussy being fucked by his fingers. 

“God, I could listen to you all night,” he mumbled, curling his fingers in a “come here” motion inside you and marveling at how drenched you sounded. “So fuckin’ wet for me, sweetheart. Haven’t even taken my cock yet, either, you needy thing.” 

His words only sparked the fire inside your chest even more, and soon you were moaning his name over and over again in some kind of sick prayer as he filled you with his fingers. Your mouth dropped open as his thumb moved to glide against your clit, pleasure radiating throughout your body. 

Your fingers dug half-moon indentions in Joel’s tanned skin as the waves of pleasure finally crested. 

Your body went rigid in his hold as your orgasm peaked, his fingers never ceasing in motion as your hips began to shake against his hand. He muttered soft praises as you came, moving his arm from across your chest and intertwining your fingers with his. You gasped for air as you came down, thighs twitching ever so slightly as you soon became putty against Joel’s body. 

Only then did he pull his fingers out from inside of you. He kissed your forehead once more, cupping your drenched pussy with the palm of his hand. Your chest was heaving still from the orgasm, body feeling tired once more but for a completely different reason. Resting your head back on Joel’s arm, you glance up at him, expecting him to move his hand away and maybe help you clean up. 

Instead, Joel’s dark gaze was solely focused on your pussy again. Instead of moving his hand away, he slowly moved it up your center, stopping only when his middle finger brushed against your clit. He moved his hand to the side slightly, letting the tips of his other fingers brush against the sensitive nub, before sliding it the other way. His action was slow, methodical even. 

“Joel,” you ventured, squeezing his hand that rested in yours. His jaw twitched, but that was the only response you got. He leaned up on his elbow, your hand moving up along the mattress as he did so. Now, your interlaced hands rested above you, on the pillow, as Joel’s upper body hovered on top of yours. 

Ever so slowly, Joel resumed the movement of his hand, sliding to one side before moving it to the other. His fingers all brushed against your clit, and the overstimulation you felt had your thighs closing together. 

“Keep ‘em open, baby.” Joel admonished, his grip on your hand tightening slightly. His free hand pushed away your left leg before returning back to your clit, and you swore you could feel the wetness lingering on your skin from him doing so. The roughness of the towel underneath you prickled at your skin as your hips twitched from the continued pleasure. 

“Joel,” you ventured again, this time more of a plea than anything. Tears formed on your waterline when he picked up the pace, his hand firmly rubbing against your clit each time he moved it. That bubble of pleasure formed more quickly in your chest, the feeling fiery and almost suffocating as Joel’s movements were relentless. 

“Give me one more,” his voice was rough, distant. “Just one more.” His hand dipped to cup your pussy once more, gliding up through your folds and moving the wetness from there up to your clit. The added lubrication and friction as Joel increased his pace had you crying out, body arching forward at the onslaught of pleasure. 

Your orgasm approached much faster this time, and you could feel your slick dripping down your skin onto the towel. “Oh my God,” you whimpered, your hand painfully holding onto Joel’s while the other, which had moved to rest on his hip, gripped his t-shirt. “Oh, God.” 

This time, when you came, the bubble dropped from your chest and to your stomach and your body went limp as soon as your orgasm tore through you. Your mind was a haze of euphoria, and if you were more cognizant you would have been embarrassed at the feeling of your wetness squirting out from you, would have felt heated at the way Joel praised your body. Instead, you were blissfully gone, basking in the sensation that only Joel’s fingers knew how to bring you. 

Joel’s hand slipped from yours as he pulled his arm up from underneath you, and before you were even aware of the shift, he was up on his knees, moving in between your legs and tugging his flannel pants down. “Gotta fuck you, baby. Jesus Christ, you came so good for me.” His hands bracketed your head as he leaned up against your body, the head of his leaking cock pressed against your wet slit. 

You hummed at his praise, wrapping your weak arms around his neck as you shifted your thighs a little wider to accommodate for his hips. You weren’t entirely sure you could handle another orgasm, but you knew you were desperate to have him inside of you. His head ducked down to yours, and you enthusiastically pressed your lips against his, enveloping his hips with your legs in consent. 

With a nip at your bottom lip, he slowly pressed the tip of his cock in between your folds, gathering the wetness that had accumulated near your entrance before moving his hips even further. The head of his cock pushed into your pussy, stretching you out even more than his fingers did previously. Joel groaned into your mouth as he pumped his hips slightly, pulling out of you before sinking just the tip inside you again.  

“Fuck, sweetheart. My fingers didn’t stretch out your pussy enough, huh? S’fuckin’ tight as hell around my cock.” One of his hands came to brush aside your hair, cupping the side of your face gently while his hips snapped into yours. You cried out against his mouth, the feeling of being filled so suddenly causing you to wince slightly. You welcomed this pain, however, as it quickly gave way to pleasure the more Joel rocked his hips against yours. 

Joel rested his hips against yours for a moment, his head falling down to your chest as he reveled in the tightness surrounding his cock. His breaths came out in short pants, the hand laying next to your head turning into a fist against the mattress. Your hips move up slightly, seeking out the pleasure even after coming twice before, and it brings Joel in further, causing you both to curse. 

“So desperate for me to fuck you,” Joel’s words are accented by short, quick thrusts up inside of you. He pushed up off of you, your arms falling to the bed beside you while your legs fall open as they untangle from his waist. His hands grip the inside of your thighs, and he leans his weight forward a little, pinning your legs to the bed. 

“I am, Joel. P-please fuck me,” you beg, gripping the sheets between your fingers as your hips meet his thrusts. Joel starts off slowly, implanting you fully on his cock before slowly pulling back until just the tip presses against your pussy. His bruising grip on your thighs holds your legs open while he works himself in and out of you, eyes cast on how your slick coats his cock, the occasional red streak coloring his flesh. 

A stray curl of hair falls from his previously brushed back hair, and you itch to swipe it back into place, but his pace quickens and your hold on the bed keeps you from banging against the bed frame. The sound of his cock entering your wet pussy fills the room, the indecency of it causing your skin to flush with heat. Joel’s groans start to find time with your whimpers, and soon the noises of sex are emitting throughout the bedroom, throughout the house. 

Joel’s hands move away from your thighs, traveling up your stomach and pushing up his red t-shirt to see your boobs bouncing with each thrust. He admires the peaks of your nipples, the way goosebumps arise on your flesh as it’s exposed to the cool air, before bringing both hands to grip onto them. His thumbs and forefingers pinch at your nipples, the pain mixing in with the pleasure seamlessly. 

Your eyes fall shut on a moan, body arching into his touch as you clench around Joel, causing him to curse. The familiar sensation of heat fills your body, that third orgasm floating slightly out of reach. You move one of your hands down to your pussy, resting it on your mound. Your fingertips brush against Joel’s cock every time he withdraws, and you moan at how slick he feels before bringing your fingers to your clit. 

“That’s it, baby. Make yourself come on my cock,” Joel encourages, gaze focused on the way your fingers nimbly play with your throbbing clit. His hands squeeze your breasts roughly one last time before he leans up, gripping your ankles and bringing your legs to rest on top of his shoulders. Your thighs press against his cock as he fucks you, adding in another level of pleasure for him as he fights back his orgasm. 

“Just like that, Joel. Just like that…oh!” Your cries fill the room as he pounds into you, your fingers increasing the pace against your clit. Your movements are shaky, not precise in the slightest, but you’re still sensitive and wound up from your previous orgasms that it doesn’t take much to get your third one going. With a few clumsy swipes of your middle finger against your clit, and Joel’s cock ruthlessly hammering in and out of you, your final orgasm floods through your body. 

Joel curses as he feels your pussy clench around him, making his movements stagger with how tight you become. He gives a few more deep thrusts, his own movements becoming shaky and less precise, and he soon slips out of you, rubbing the length of his cock along your pussy lips as you gush with your orgasm. With a grunt, he follows soon, his own cum spurting out of his red cockhead and on to your lower stomach. 

Your legs fall meekly to the bed again, and Joel’s body sags forward a little before he props himself back up with his hands. The sound of you both panting is all that can be heard as you both come down from your orgasms; you, eyes closed and mouth open. Joel, eyes open and mouth closed, nostrils flaring slightly as he regulates himself. 

It takes a moment before you both get back to yourselves, but when you do, you become increasingly aware of the wet feeling underneath your lower body, which causes you to giggle. “Guess it’s a good thing I didn’t get around to cleaning my sheets today, huh?” 

A snort comes out of Joel, his head shaking slightly as he moves to brush back his hair. He takes in the sight of you, freshly fucked and thouroughly spent, and can’t help but grin. He might be older, but he relishes the fact that he can still please you like this. That you actually want him to do so. Makes him feel like a god among men. 

He sees the tears around your lash line from your last two orgasms, and he leans forward slightly to wipe them away with his thumb, triggering in his mind the conversation you both had before this all started. “Feelin’ alright?” His gaze moves around your body, checking to see if he hurt you in any way. He notes the red marks against the side of your neck, the cum on your lower stomach and the beginnings of many small bruises along the inside of your thigh from where he gripped them to keep them open. 

He’d be more worried about those if he didn’t know how much you loved having him mark you up. 

“Just peachy,” you grinned at him, propping yourself up on your elbows to take in the mess below you. Joel leaned in to meet you, his kiss soft and soothing as his lips slid against yours. After a moment, he pulls away again, awkwardly shuffling to the edge of the bed before standing up. Hiking up his pants, he moves to the bathroom to get a washcloth to start cleaning you up. 

After wiping away his cum and your wetness, he gently helps you off the bed, holding your arm as your legs fumble when your feet hit the ground. His pride grows then, and you smack his arm playfully when you catch sight of his grin. “Sorry,” he mutters, pressing a kiss against the side of your head before moving to gather up the dirty towel from the bed. He tosses it into the hamper before leading you to the bathroom. 

There, he draws you a hot bath, guiding you in the tub and before pulling his clothes off and joining you. It’s a cramped space, the bathtub not technically suitable for two, but you make it work. You lean your head against Joel’s shoulders, sinking into his body as his arms wrap around your middle. You know you should do something with your bedding soon, should make sure you have the guest room set up so the two of you can sleep somewhere remotely comfortable tonight, but for now, you bask in his presence. 

“Thank you for taking care of me, Joel.” You say softly, closing your eyes and letting the hot water ease away any lingering soreness your body has. His arms tighten around you as you trace mindless shapes against his thighs. He tilts his head to the side, kissing your forehead before resting his on top of yours. 

“Anytime, baby.” His breathing evens out with yours, stubble rubbing against your forehead as he speaks. “I’ll always be here to wipe your tears away.” 

taglist *:·ﾟ @hiroikegawa

[mushgloomz]

Dead of Night

Joel Miller x F!Reader WIP

• an: okay so i’m actually posting my first fic and i’m making it a WIP/series just because i’m still finding my feet. the title is inspired by the song of the same name by Orville Peck bc it just gives me such joel in Jackson energy. i have a rough vision for where i want this to go, and considering i’m a fiend for smut it feels odd to just keep it tucked away in my depraved little notes app <33

• chapter warnings: mild threats of violence, weapons mentioned (guns), swearing

• wc: 1.7k approx. (keeping it short and sweet until i figure out what the fuck i’m doing loool)

Chapter 1: Monotony

Dawn streamed through moth-eaten curtains, never repaired or replaced since the outbreak, and caused you to stir from your slumber. With squinted eyes, you glared toward the source of your disturbance and sighed. Early mornings had never been your forte, and as summer crawled ever closer in Jackson, your unwanted alarm clock in the sky had been waking you earlier and earlier.

You watched dust and brick particulate shimmer through the beams of sunlight for a moment from your bed before biting the bullet and shifting yourself onto your feet; cool hardwood flooring in desperate need of a sweep underfoot.

Your bedroom, a reasonably sized space with a singular window on the wall opposite your bed, was your place of respite. Nothing felt better than returning to the safe haven that you had created in an otherwise unfamiliar place. You opted not to use the main light whenever in your bedroom - two small lamps on either side of the bed and a standing lamp positioned beside your wardrobe created the soft, warm ambience you liked best when wrapping up in your duvet with a steaming mug of tea and a book.

The house you’d been given was quaint; a bedroom and bathroom upstairs, a guest bedroom, open-plan lounge, and kitchen on the ground floor. It suited you perfectly. The hospitality given by the people of Jackson was an otherworldly parallel to your very first encounter with some of the townsfolk.

///

Three months earlier, trudging across seemingly unending wilderness in no particular direction, you were cornered by four people on horseback whilst refilling your canteen at the bank of a river. Snow lay heavy at your feet, though it was not responsible for the sudden chill running up your spine. You can still remember the interrogation that ensued, shouted at you over the rumble of the water behind.

“What are you doing here?”

“Where are you headed?”

“Do you have any weapons?”

You had squeaked your answers back, a pathetic contrast to the delivery of the questions themselves. A fifth individual then arrived, on foot and walking beside a German Shepherd that tugged enthusiastically against its leash in your direction. A plethora of weapons had been drawn and another voice rose above the water, cold and now spitting against the backs of your ankles.

“Now, you get one chance and one chance only for a bullet, so choose your words carefully…”

Your heartbeat thrummed against the walls of your skull, the sound reverberating in the most overwhelming fashion, eyes flitting between the shotgun angled toward your head and the dog in your periphery. You hazarded a glance at your rifle, dumped a meager few feet from where you stood.

“Hey! Eyes up!”

You snapped your head up at the sound of another gun being cocked, raising your hands palms-out in a pitiful surrender; your thick cowhide gloves doing little to disguise their trembling. You can recall the metallic taste of blood in your mouth from chewing the inside of your cheek.

“Are you infected?”

You’d shook your head, remaining thin-lipped and starting to perspire despite the cold. Like an unspoken command, the dog’s handler had taken a tentative step toward you.

“Last chance for the bullet, ‘cause if you’re lying, she’ll be able to smell it out.”

“I-I’m not infected!”. Your voice had cracked, fear swelling in your tone. A swift nod passed between the two threats before you, and the dog handler unclipped the leash of the dog that was soon bounding toward you. You winced at the touch of a muzzle against the flesh of your outer thigh, pressing persistently against the starched cotton hugging your legs. Murmurs and mumbles arose, intangible against the swell of the river. Nods and indiscreet glances between the group, before all eyes fell back to your own.

“Come, we’re taking you to our settlement.”

///

You shrugged on your denim jacket as you stepped from the sanctuary of your home and onto your porch. The boards groaned underneath you, and you made a mental note to remind Tommy of their ongoing deathtrap-waiting-to-happen status. The town’s streets were near desolate at this hour; the lights in the bakery still off. Not even 6am yet, bastard sun.

Gravel crunched beneath the thick soles of your boots as you walked through the square. You’d eaten at home shortly after haphazardly throwing an outfit on your frame, so you bypassed the dining hall and headed straight for the armory. It sounded damn near medieval, but it was essentially just a secure unit within the commune where patrol equipment was kept.

You keyed in the code when you reached the doors, deactivated the alarm, and glanced around the starkly lit room. Fluorescent strip lights were never kind on the eyes, even more so when you’d only had yours open for less than an hour.

It always felt like a treat when you had first dibs on the equipment, but as per usual, you found yourself reaching for the rifle on the far right. My rifle. You’d begrudgingly agreed to the communal weapons storage, and fortunately enough the other patrol officers rarely reached for it. It was tarnished and scuffed to shit, so not a huge surprise, but this gun had been the difference between life and death on more than one occasion. You had an almost innate fondness for the meld of wood and metal in your hands; it had offered more safety, more protection, than any human had in the past eighteen years.

After reactivating the alarm to the armory and shutting the door behind you, you headed to your station; a handover briefing at the watchtower from those on patrol overnight. The shifts in Jackson were fair - one week on early shifts, one week on twilight shifts. Each shift lasted around four hours; a perimeter sweep followed by your designated station inspection. This week you had been asked to inspect the small abandoned commune by the water filtration plant; no more than a few crumbling buildings and the plant itself.

The debrief was, as expected, uneventful. Jackson was in an isolated, rural region of the state of Wyoming, and rarely did any patrols result in anything of note. It was a relief, really. You considered yourself to be a bit of a sharp-shot, trained by F.E.D.R.A. in a quarantine zone for a majority of the outbreak before you made your escape on a whim one evening. Now, at 24 years old, you had honed your skills to an unrecognisable degree - you’d killed people, not just infected; something that you’d avoided mentioning to anyone since your arrival.

The reality was, you were fucking scared. You grew up knowing little of the world before the apocalypse ensued, and while most people in your position seemed to develop a cold callousness that served them well, you held onto the fear.

You were paired with Alex this week. He was a year younger than yourself, with wavy ginger hair that he kept at shoulder’s length and never tied back. The man was pale and littered with freckles and acne scars; a scruffy goatee sat atop his chin. His features reminded you of a youthfulness lost to circumstance, much like your own. Despite this, he wasn’t your favourite patrol partner to say the least - he spoke and acted with a misplaced assuredness; in the three short months you’d spent in Jackson, he’d hit on you twice, and following his subsequent rejections, had adopted an air of aloofness whenever you were around. He’d already began his march to the stables before the debrief had ended.

“I’m taking Chuck today, just so you’re aware.”

Alex’s voice reached you before you’d even entered the paddock - Chuck was the largest horse. You had to refrain from asking whether or not his persistence with riding the biggest horse was an attempt at compensating for something else. You didn’t care anyway; Chuck may be the biggest horse, but he was temperamental. If Chuck wanted to head in a particular direction, no amount of fight would stop him.

Turning your head toward the end of the stable, you saw that your own horse of choice was whinnying gently to herself, head hanging just over the stall door. Sable was the most dependable horse, and the least timid. You weren’t particularly fond of horses, but there was an unspoken level of trust between the two of you that resolved any lingering anxieties when it came to riding. You spoke in a whisper as you prepared her saddle, “Hello you, gonna be good for me today? Ground’s not looking too wet, so shouldn’t be much slipping either.”

Alex and yourself were on your horses and out of the imposing wooden gates of the commune no more than fifteen minutes later. You scanned the immediate vicinity briefly; a dull clunk acting as the starting gun for your shift as the gates were re-bolted behind you. Both horses stepped forward, headed for the valley where you typically began your perimeter sweep. “You sleep well?”, you ask Alex in a soft spoken manner.

“Nah, I got fuck all sleep. The bastards next door to me have this stupid routine of…”

There was one perk of working Alex; once you’d mastered the art of zoning him out, he became your very own white noise machine on the job. Surprisingly comforting, despite the incessant complaining. He would prattle on for a good while, too obsessed with the sound of his own voice, and you could take a moment to actually enjoy being outside of the confines of the town.

Of all the places to hunker down, Jackson had lucked out with one of real natural beauty. Thick forestry, mainly coniferous around the more mountainous regions and dissipating into a cacophony of vibrant oak and birch to the west. Birdsong often woke you if the sun did not. The valley was split by tendrils of the much larger river beyond, smattered with wildflowers, and had a naturally trodden path snaking it’s way toward the peaks.

A naturally trodden path, that currently had two figures walking along it.

Your rifle was shouldered and aimed without hesitation, before you yelled “Hands where I can see them! Don’t fucking move.”

[prettyboykatsuki]

hi fang id like to pick your brain abt something ! i've been thinking about childhood friends to lovers or even just normal friends to lovers and how exactly to approach the transition in a graceful way. to me the trope has always been a little fanciful because i have never once liked one of my friends? i dont know if its happenstance or if i tend to gravitate away from people im attracted to but it's never happened to me that the way i see someone could shift just like that. i have considered it a few times but rather insincerely tbf (i was bored) and it would have taken like me putting in work to elicit any feeling. None of that is very romantic to me lol and i kind know how to write it? like i know the way it's "supposed to be" but it rings false on the page to me bc i know im not entirely convinced it's possible to start suddenly finding someone attractive in the middle of knowing them. how would u approach this sort of thing? finding a hidden side sort of feels like a cop out but idk what else to do lol thank you!

this is a very interesting ask to me because ive only exclusively ever liked people im friends with because im demiromantic and demisexual. i dont know if i will be able to help you in the same way since we probably just have like different experiences but i will tell u what i think is the most important thing

for one, i think relationships that are romantic in nature are not romantic all of the time and i think establishing intimacy BEFORE romance will help you greatly.

the biggest thing about childhood friends to lovers imo is that it's not the lines between romantic and platonic blurred - but rather, the lines of intimate relationships that blur together. romance is romance. its not constant because like is just not structured that way. you can rekindle the romance with someone you've loved before over and over, you can hold onto it.

but domestic partnership and by extension, longtime romantic love - are matters of repeated and quiet intimacy. wanting to spend your life with someone will not always be romantic. it just wont. and you can find the spark, the passion again if you've felt once before. and you absolutely should to keep the romance alive. but love is a choice you make, everyday, to live your life with another person.

true, mutual love that lasts a lifetime is largely platonic in nature. its quietly intimate. its sharing your space with someone else, and working through disagreements. its being beside someone in situations where you can do nothing for them except help them endure. its remembering small, pointless details and listening to the details of their mundnane life. it is the repeated, intentional effort to be considerate to someone because you love them deeply - and you would love them deeply no matter what. these things are not inherently romantic. they're intimate, but not romantic.

what defines a romantic relationship is largely based on our social environment and overall societal views. but companionship is companionship. its the same way a gay man and a lesbian woman get married and stay married. usually the only defining thing about romance is sex and sexual relationships.

with childhood friends to lovers, i think you can pretty much entirely use puberty as a way to create sparks of attraction. regardless of your actual orientation, it's the time in your life where you become cognizant of attraction in general.

the attraction does not need to be sparks though. i can understand why that might suddenly feel forced. but having your characters like,, having sex come up when they're teenagers and think

"oh. the idea of sex seems weird" or "i cant imagine actually doing it with another person" or "im too scared to have sex w my current bf / gf" and having them then, picture their childhood friend, and not feeling like butterflies in tummy attraction - but rather comfort, safety and assurance can also be a kind of attraction.

like they know the other well enough to they'd be safe to explore. that is also a kind of romance.

i completely get why the hidden side thing is a cop out, but i think the gradual attraction to someone you're friends with is less about a sudden shift (though that is fun to write too) and more about in passing become aware about how deeply you know another person and how it might feel to extend that knowing to sex and kissing. thas usually a good catalyst, too.

[cherienymphe]

so many people in the comments were like “yes!!! leave people who are in relationships alone!😊” or “you are correct” or “that’s not…” or “glad you know!” Like oh my god SHUT UP. She is literally self-aware and said she isn’t going to tell him 😭 //

I can recall seeing this same video (or a similar one) back during that trend and honestly I think it’s just a result of the whole girls’ girl thing, which I do like and believe is a good concept but some people have taken it too far. because why are you screaming at some random girl in her comment section telling her to get away from and unlike a guy because he has a girlfriend even though it was explicitly stated in the post that she won’t be confessing her feelings? it seemed like she already felt bad enough, plus she most likely just wanted to hop on a trend

Yeah agreed. I kind of hate the way the girls girl thing took on an entirely new meaning and phenomenon bc it's always been a lesser known term that really just boiled down to a woman who is a safe space for other women

Rare moment when I get on women and not men, but a lot of women hate women. As a whole. It's just the truth and considering the world we grow up in, sometimes I don't want to blame them for being raised with such mindsets but I can and I will I'm sorry. Lots of women don't believe in looking out for other women or even believe in developing community with women. Lots of women are male centered and cannot fathom not revolving their every decision around some man.

The term girls girl was originally a way to separate the women who aren't like that from the ones who are. It never even meant supporting every single individual girl solely bc she's a girl. It just meant having the best interests of women at heart and looking out for women (i.e staying with a girl who is drunk and alone until she safely finds her friends or gets home, standing with another girl who is being bothered by some creep, having no interest in hurting some woman who hasn't done shit to you, helping a girl catch her cheating bf, etc etc).

And all of that may seem like normal "doesn't every girl do that?" kind of stuff but believe it or not, it's not. And that's why the life the term has taken is kind of funny to me bc a lot of women are not girls girls. Because being a girls girl is actually very isolating and lonely...because a lot of women hate women. I have 2 friends y'all. Two 😭 and I'm perfectly happy with that because women be weird but imma still look out for them bc at the end of the day I'll always choose a community with women over men any day

[altschmerzes]

Second and last answer (then I am off tumblr again, short visit) : Oh I just read your long answer to the message. Oh my good I seriously had no Idea. I am quite new on tumblr I just got here yesterday because of your fanfic were was mentioned your name and tumblr, I did not know that this is such a intimate safe space I thought it was more of a promoting fanfic and light and fun website with "hey there" and "whats up" kind of site and just reda your last comments. I had absolutely no idea, you seem to have think that I Know this site and the type of intimacy shared and your story- it must have been so horrible to red my message! I am so so so very sorry! Thank you for letting me know. I swear I will not write you again, I hope it brings you some peace of mind that i was just stupid and dumm and not knowing anything about this and will leave tublr ! it is you life and your feelings and i want don't to tell you how to feel and have no right too and now see what a huge mistake it was to treat this as a happy rambling website. I will leave tumblr now, so you can feel a bit safer if i made you feel unsafe. I am sorry I am writing this anonounoumosly still, but I was shocked by your (rightfully strong! You are absolutely right) reaction and feel not safe enough, which I am sure is ironic to you because you were made felt so unsafe by me- it is just how it is. Have a much better day. I have the feeling everything i write would sound stupid or be taken the wrong way (not because of you understanding it wrong, but because of me not being able to express it because i neither have the language not also the insight into the topic not it seems the sensibilty needed) so i will stop now with a final and the only thing that matters and I hope you can take away: I am so sorry you were hurt because of what i said. It will never happen again.

the only reason i'm answering this at all, bc i've been sitting here staring at it kind of speechless for about 15 minutes, is just to make some things clear for anyone ELSE who might be reading my responses and getting the wrong idea from them.

i love when people connect with me here from reading my fics

i promise i am not usually an overly angry or aggressive or scary person. i don't jump down people's throats for simple mistakes or attack people or whatever. i like to think, at least from my own limited internal perspective, obviously having no idea how i come across to other people, that i'm pretty friendly and approachable and kind as a general rule. i like to think, and i hope this is true, that i am not a scary person.

this is not a particularly...... intimate platform any more than any other social media is. i often promote my fic here and have lighthearted jokes and chat about media! i link my tumblr in my fic notes for a reason, and it's not because i need or want everyone to Intimately Understand The Intricacies Of My Life. it's a blog. i also make some personal posts sometimes, about my experiences with abuse and trauma and mental health issues among other things, but that doesn't mean it's like..... some kind of holy ground safe space. this wouldn't be okay to say to anyone anywhere based on the information available to you when you did it. it is just as inappropriate to make assumptions about strangers' lives and then lecture them based on those assumptions, especially regarding something as potentially fraught as family, on a 'happy rambling website' whatever that means.

just to be clear, none of this is a communication issue. it's not about what you've said being taken the wrong way. i give people the benefit of the doubt as best i can. i extend whatever grace i can because communication is always going to be imperfect especially via text. the problem is not one with wording or with expressing yourself. the problem is that you decided to shame me, a complete stranger, for how i spoke about my parent, when you had no information about my parent, me, our relationship, or our history. full stop. that was wrong. it was wrong, it was inappropriate, it was invasive, it was presumptuous, and it was cruel. you made that choice. own it and live with it and do better.

[midnightmisadventures]

Okay heres the dream

The first thing i remember is being on a campus of sorts. With the basement girls, it was warm, it was summery, i felt pretty, truly just my dream. Very good sunny, playful “i love being alive” vibes. 

We were passing through this baseball field that players were practicing at. And as we’re passing claire points out like omg that was Liam and......i genuinely think arod?? in the dugout but not as a celebrity just someone we knew of who played baseball. Which is embarrassing bc i was just looking at 90s pictures of derek jeter and arod. 

anyway, we were like omg in a nervous way, like i was nervous and overthinking but we’re scurrying along and the ball which is more like a kickball or soccer ball comes directly towards me. And im like “bro of course” like i dont wanna embarrass myself or get hit by the ball. So it comes towards me, and its apparent i have to hit it in their direction so i do and as i do Liam shouts “hit it, stab it” and i shout back “i did” and it was nervewracking so we jogged away

“Your probably wondering why i said "someone play with love by harbor"

hahahha okay so next, we were on a bus?? Ive been on the school bus a lot in dreams lately. And....it was like we were going to school, to see that same play from my last dream type beat. I actually dont really know the contrext. But basically we loaded the bus, Liam was within the group. I wasnt sure if we were friends friends yet or i guess again. But i sat in the seat across from him and i realized my black and white flannel was there from the last time i was on the bus. And i was shocked and mad at myself for leaving it. So i was showing him like “omg, im such an idiot i can’t believe i left this here??” and he was so soft and so sweet and said “aw im sorry :(” and i was like “no its fine, i mean i found it thats good” and then he put out his arm and said he’d put it in his bag for safe keeping or something, and i was like “omg really?” and he said “yea of course” 

And i know that doesnt seem like much. But ive studied this kid to no end, i KNOW when he’s being genuine and soft and boyfriendy and how he expresses his affection when he cares. He just gets this protective aura and it was so cute because it felt like HIM. Ya know, like that was Liam, not just a dream, i felt it was him and i was taken aback because....well he hasnt been that soft towards me in a year. 

So then things escalated just naturally and we were spending more time together just in our regular actions. ‘

We were with this other couple. So it was four of us and it was def couple vibes for each pair. And they were like omg, like lets go to the car we’re gonna smoke you up? Or like they just invited us somewhere and told us to follow them and we didnt know it was for smoking yet. 

So they went first and we see them in the car smoking and liam and i were walking and i kinda looked at him like “are...you gonna smoke?” cause i know he’s not right now. I wasnt sure. 

I get into the backseat, and he opens the door on his side and....it was weird there like wasnt a lot of space so he was trying to move the seat up. And he was struggling with it so then he just gave up and poked his head in the car and said, “hey, you guys go on without me i’ll see you guys later” and he shut the door and went back inside. And i was so pouty, like awwww i don’t even care about smoking with these strangers i just want to hang out with him and be around him :( 

So immediately i knew i was just gonna try to take a few puffs and leave cause i didnt want him to think id rather be there then spend time with him. I literally said while holding the blunt like “thank you guys sm for the free weed but i just realized i kinda have to go too, so i have to leave in a few minutes”

I also knew that a few hits would get me super high and i didnt want to go back to Liam suuuper messy like without my wits. But the moment was cute. I left the car to try to find him. 

At this point we’re attached at the hip, being he’s being so sweet and soft im in love. I feel lucky, we never talked but i didnt care, i just felt so attracted to him and that everything i had wished for was finally coming true. 

In the car to go see sleeping beauty re rendered. I was thinking wow i always did dream about movie theaters maybe this is why it was significant. I;m on my way to a movie with liam rn

We were at this pavillion getting food in the plaza of the movie and the bball game. I saved Liam a seat and felt like a girlfriend. I was so excited to sit with him. So i got my plate with a friend i don’t know in real life?? 

He came over and i was pointing to the chair across from me, and he reached out and grabbed my had and started carressing it, looked me in the eye and said “bubba, im gonna go with the boys to get my seat” or something just to let me know he’s leaving. And i was so upset haha, we’re still rubbing our hands btw and im like “youre leaving?? what” pouting bc i was so excited to eat? dinner? with him? idk. 

And he explained like “yea the games gonna start soon and its gonna be packed we want seats” and for some reason i didnt realize the game and the movie overlapped so i was sad that we had to split up, bc for some reason i was tied to this movie with the girl. 

So i’m like “okay :( yea, i’ll see you later then at the game” and he was like yea 

Still holding my hand, and then he asked “have you eaten enough today, what have you eaten?” so soft and sweet like, i cant get it using words. I was melting it was so adorable. And i listed two things which was like a bagel and something else but it was early in the day so i said “not bad?” also considering i had a plate of food in front of me. 

And then when he approved lmao he said okay, and let my hand go and started walking away. But then i said "wait what about you?? Have you eaten today? Theres food here you can grab quick b4 you leave" and he just said, nah hes good. And went on and as soon as he went out of view me and the rando friend were like AHHHHH

Like i was freaking out just cause we had escalated so quickly and it made my heart so full but it was so new and unexpected and completely led by him so i hadnt had much time to process like mans just called me BUBBA AND KISSED MY HAND? IN A CUTE WAY THAT DIDNT MAKE ME CRINGE OR GET AN ICK

What

So me and the girl are laughing while i put my head in my hands and the first thing i said was "what do i DO about that holy shit"

And then i was basically spilling to her and saying i never get to talk about this with anyone like that was so insane and NOT precedented like i did not expect him to be caring enough about me to check if i ate. And even in our loviest times he was never so confident to show me affection in public (or anywhere)

And she was like omg im so excited i get to hear all the tea first, lets TALK

And i was like yea.... Well its cause youre not as close to the situation as *cough cough* bff is

Whatever.

Then apparently liam was hanging with angel from highschool and the girl new him and was texting him funny things and started talking about me to him just saying whatever idk

And i was like noooo wait thats so weird cause i know angel like.....so its weird. And she was so shocked like YOU KNOW ANGEL THATS CRAZY and starts texting him bunch and was about to shout to him "ANGEL ARIELLE JUST TOLD ME SHE KNOWS YOU-" before they walked too far away

And i know hes with liam and i dont want Liam to think that im talking about, or thinking about his friend. Because i know how jealous he is, and yea we werent dating but it would be like a slap in the face since he just kissed my hand and is putting in all this effort to be my protector

So i was like NOOOOOOO stop dont do that please please, Liam will literally kill himself dont

And i know it sounds crazy to try to block that interaction when it didnt mean anything just that i knew a guy 6 years ago

But one, yea Liam IS crazy lmao and two it made me have this weird wave of feelings in the dream on what it means to be a unit and being mindful of how single you appear to others and.....i know it sounds stupid, but i was just realizing ive never been a girlfriend ive never belonged to anyone and its something i have to be cognizant of

Theres was more. But im lazy and sad. Im having a depressive episode. Swipe up to the future cause this is an edit.

But anyway i think thats my point is that Liam came to visit me and was being sweet cause ive been down and unbelieving. Which is cute bc i know i set intention to do that for him when i can feel his energy is down

Also ive never ONCE thought about Angel for prob 7 years lmao i dont think that was a random dream character i think it was an....Angel

[schizopilledjester]

bunny

i think it’s so funny how i’ve been looking out for you so often since getting romantically involved with you and it feels like ur both not looking out for urself or after me. i have been rlly locked in and ur rlly locked out. i’m gnawing and screaming and banging at the bars of my enclosure screaming for release as u panic to try to unlock the box u put me in realizing you lost ur key. u have been ill prepared and unintentional. for what dynamic we put our selves into there should have been more mutual check ins and more mutual accountability. there should have been more moments of clarity intentionality and gratitude. we should have been able to ground each other. i grasped for you while you slipped away to go look for ur key. i wanted to trust that you wouldn’t hurt me by having access to my vulnerability but you took advantage of my willingness to throw myself at you and be what u need. u didn’t think twice about putting urself above me. u said it was in my honor. for me. i screamed at you thru the bars “where? how is this for me? my body hurts! i put myself here for you!” you looked at me and told me i wanted this. is this what i wanted ? i wanted someone to pull me from the depths when i needed stability and someone to ground me into reality and my body when i need to get checked. i wanted someone to make me feel needed and appreciated and wanted and loved and cared for. i wanted to be able to let go. you took advantage of my body’s want to hurt. you didn’t show me kindness and care after u hurt me and took my pride. u reminded me that i’m just sexy. i wanted someone that could learn my love languages so when i look them in the eyes i know they see me.

i’ve been less afraid to look people in their eyes lately bc i shouldn’t be afraid to have access to a window into a soul. i looked into ur eyes and i knew you loved what you saw but i don’t know if u saw me. i know ur a loving person bc i know u loved me how i wanted at one point. i hope you can look me in my eyes and see me again. or maybe find a better way to show me if u already do. i wish that you understood my need for an equal. if u do understand it i wish u understood my need for communication. pls match my yap. i wish that i didn’t feel taken advantage of and used for character development by another age regressed hurting adult. i wish that i felt that u saw my child reaching out for urs.

once we got romantically involved i did it all for you and it wasn’t the right way. u told me you did it the same. i don’t know how we can love each other so much but be unable to find a proper way to show it outside of sex and sex alone. i miss being able to love you and it not make me cry. we cycled in a pattern i should not have been a part of. i should have been honored when i stepped into ur cage. i hope that me coming out of here means that i actually have autonomy again. i hope that you recognizing that we were imprisoned with each other like jasper and lapis means we don’t do that again. if i ever go in a kennel i need it to be safe. it has to be my safe space. u cannot force me into an uncomfortable position locked in a shitty claustrophobic box with no out until u decide it. i hope u deciding to let me out this time without either of us getting too hurt means that ur not going to hurt me again. i hope ur learning from ur mistakes. i definitely am learning from mine. if u ever try to put me in a locked box again i better have a key.

[skinni-girls-eat-books]

Friday, January 26th, 2024!

12:38am busted a nut and it felt great, awesome way to start the day lol. Also so glad I deleted the emails, I don't even remember what they said and soon they will be totally forgotten :) I already feel more at peace.

10:26am still feeling better, haven't heard from him day #2 (new record!) I want to get away from him he's toxic and doesn't know it/ believe me/ won't do anything about it. Just worry about me lol.

10:47am there's nothing wrong with doing things with your own company btw. Just be safe and you're literally fine ❤️

10:58am FUCK I jinxed myself what the hell 😂 retarded ass I told him I miss him (as a friend) and he said thanks that makes me feel better.... 😑 Glad you feel better bro (no shit I never did anything to you too make your feel bad RIP) literally what? I can't.

4:02pm had some lunch earlier and took a 3? Hr nap very needed, sleep is important!! And I only had like 4-5hrs last night so this makes sense!! I am a girl who needs lots of sleep especially when I am wanting to achieve my best mental health!! Do not feel guilty that you slept in the middle of the day you needed rest!! I love you ❤️

5:18pm laundry in the wash, trash taken out and I'm going to pick up BC RX. I love summer and warm weather but I have to be ok with sweating lol!

Pros >>> cons :) of going outside

11:15pm oops got drunk and watched too many relationship videos = bad. My heart hurts. I want him to feel pain. I fucking hate him and I want him to know (mmmmm maybe this is what I'm manifesting/ loa??) Fuck him fuck him fuck him I hope he gets fucking cheated on ong stupid prick narcissist. Fuck you you're no longer in my life fuck you and your small dick frfr.

I am a beautiful person, with a heart and soul that would NEVER do that shit to someone and that's why I know I'm fucking better. Someone with empathy, with half a brain, would not do that to another human being especially one they've known for years. I know I'm better, kinder, more loving, more respectful, more empathetic, more genuine and real AF, smarter with more emotional intelligence, more confident in myself not to need some half-ass bitch in my life, I'm going to get farther in life than he can even dream of, I get bitches on days I don't even shower bro, I have bitches hitting me up fucking constantly since you left and literally all their dicks have literally been bigger and fatter than yours and they've all been nicer more straight forward at least tbh 😂 bitch you are the bottom of the barrel and I'm the cream of the crop you could not pull me now with your little bitch ass bro wtf so fucking unconfident and with so much mental baggage and mommy and daddy issues the only flex you have is your physical body that's literally so sad and I will fucking stand on this shit, if you only pride yourself on physical appearance and ability but have nothing psychological or emotional or financial or support to provide,,, you're literally a walking dildo I'm sorry but literally please fix your fucking mental before you come at me!!!! I said what I said and I have felt this way for a while, kinda like a woman just being a fleshlight with no emotional or intellectual contribution to the relationship JFC I CAN'T it does go both ways for men and women.

Y'all are so immature and I am above you both I said what I said my confidence scares both of you coward bitches and I will get so much farther in life than the both of you combined x2 I stg because I know my mf worth and I know what and who will not take up my mf time and space. Y'all are so peabrained and act like fucking high schoolers, there's really no point in talking to y'all either bc of the stereo effect with y'all just tell each other what the other wants to hear, enabling the never ending shitty ass behavior with your insane mentally and morally wrong ways of justifying your actions. Nonsensical which is WHY it's so confusing to people who follow LOGICAL thinking..... That cognitive dissonance is the star of the shit show.

Fuck you and good riddance, can't wait for my birthday to know true fucking peace of mind. ❤️

[darlingkara]

Nevermind the loose dirt. It's my 99 cent grocery store plant rescue that I am trying to save via better soil/re-potting and with bread ties, and my little tiny espresso. The stems were brown when I got it, but I don't think she is gonna make it. Taken a few days ago, but seemed like good photo for this post.

I woke up WAY too early. Again. I either stay awake for like 25 hours, and sleep 8, or the usual 16 hours and sleep about 4 hours. I have had 3 sleep lab tests done (albeit years and years ago) when I kept falling asleep. This was before I had this weird habit I have now. I slept normally back then. Diagnosis: Narcolepsy and non-24 hour sleep cycle (Circadian Rhythm Disorder?). I was a bit blown back, to be honest, especially by Narcolepsy. And guess what? The MD had to report it to the DMV, if I did not. If you have a driver's license, it is stated on it AND you have to be medicated while driving. The medicine was Dexedrine, or pretty much @mphetamine. Makes sense-- Can't be falling asleep while driving. I stayed awake, and my depression lifted. Any MD's reading this-- Please consider it for treatment resistant depression. I never felt hyper on it (I felt nothing, tbh) which would of course, lead me to being diagnosed with ADHD*.

So now, I am an unmedicated ADHD and sleep disorder gal of a mess, hahaha. But I am happy, or at least content. I think it has gotten better, or I have learned how to deal with it. I could not do now what I did in my unmedicated 20's-- Full time school, full time job and a kid. Nope. I have ZERO idea how I did it. The narcolepsy mostly went away. I WILL fall asleep at the theatre, so don't bother inviting me, especially in Plague Era that 99% of people refuse to admit still exists. And it is 50/50 in any dark situation, regardless of how well rested I am.

Luckily, I can now work when I want (other than 2 days a month), and do not have to drive. I do have to set an alarm for three days out of the week for class (it is used as a take a shower and get ready alert bc I keep waking up before it, lol), but luckily it isn't early. I LOVED driving, btw, and I loved cars. But as an American, what else are you supposed to do? Tangent, but... I would re-do SO much in the USA if given the chance. Like...Public transport and social housing. These are looked down upon in the US, which makes it seem SOOOOO odd to me now. Plus the whole gun thang. Sorry, but I will never change my mind. The 2nd Amendment was written for MUSKETS. We have drones now. If you feel the need to open carry a weapon of death to the grocery store, there is something wrong with you. Sorry, not sorry.

I am not exactly against hunting (if you do it for food, not sport). When I was about 12, we moved** to a mostly hillbilly area (not making fun of them-- I mostly like them dern hillbillies, and one of my BF'S was one since I was TWELVE... Though I have not been able to find her since 2021 or early 2022. Covid or went Trump, I do not know. I will continue my search. Her having the most generic name in the English speaking world does not help)). And well, my first look at hunting was not pretty. Dead deer legs, sticking out of truck beds. Like, everywhere. People told me this was normal. I literally vomited and remember thinking and saying, out loud at lunch, ''The fuck, this is NOT normal. Throw a TARP over it, for Christ's sake.''

*Btw, girls and women are SO good at hiding ADHD. We are typically not hyper or rowdy. If we are, it is within our safe spaces, with friends. If your sister/mom/gf/wife tends to forget things you have told her, seems unorganized or stressed over little things, gets bitchy before leaving the house with you, look into it first and do not get upset.

**I was not an Army Brat, but my family did move a lot (6 times, to different states), and it was not because of financial instability. Yes, my parents worked for the government, but not in any military way. So--I learned a new term-- TCK-- Third Culture Kid (also applies to adults). We are GREAT at fitting in anywhere, more empathetic, less racist (bc sometimes, even being white, people are racist if you are the minority. Trust me, I know personally, and it was horrible), tend to attend university more (not saying all should).. But of course there is a catch.

We probably have attachment disorders on all sides. I didn't get the overly attachment type, luckily. If anything, I need help attaching. And I do not have ''the itch'' to move. As an adult, I rented the perfect house for me and my minion at the time. Great school district, fenced in (by chicken wire on one side for most of the time) backyard, walkable to the downtown area in 3 mins, and I was allowed to plant a garden and paint, etc. I did have to mow the effing backyard when my weirdo neighbor went away every summer. Fucker never told me when he was leaving, but the grass length did. I lined the fences with gladiolas and ivy and had a gas BBQ and a nice table and umbrella. I would let my kitties out every now and then, but only when I was there-- they could escape if they wanted to. One was a serial killer, not even kidding. A Persian, fluffy, serial killer. I got minion*** a slip and slide, hahahaha... We threw some pretty good backyard parties. All of my neighbors were snobs. Like Harvard asshole snobbery. Anyway, I lived there the longest-- almost 11 years. My landlord wanted to sell it, and it was sold within about a month and a half. THAT SUCKED and was not expected... Thought I had about 5 or 6 months.

I had to go live with my mother, as she lived in the school district minion was in. Worst decision of my life. I love my mother, and she was really a great mother, but something went CRAZY in 2002 and again in 2014, that I am not yet capable of discussing on a public forum. Thinking of substack. Like a $4 a month thing. This is shit that horribly affected my life, and I needed therapy for-- as an adult. Shit that when I think about, even 8 years later, I still tear up. And I am NOT a cryer. As a mother, she was awesome! She told me to avoid beauty magazines, taught me how to plumb and do home repair, said chose your religion when you are an adult if you want to, and sooooo much more. My father was really great, as well. They stayed married for FAR too long. I think I was about 25 when they got divorced, but it was over my mom being selfish with her health insurance and cutting my dad off. He had a disabling heart attack when he was 42, and died in 2007. My mom cutting off his health insurance was fucking brutal.

The dude was ALWAYS on my side. So, I still say hello from time to time to my mother. Most importantly, I talk to minion, but he is busy working and crushing on some girl, his best friend's girl. They work together and he hates his job. He is waiting for her to give the okay for them to both leave and work somewhere else. I said DO NOT WAIT FOR ANYONE--- EVER!!! He sent me a pic of her and said that sometimes she drinks too much and gets sexual. I was like OMG.

She looks like me and that is what I did when I was younger. Freud, are you out there? It's me, Kara.

And I have lived here the second longest.

And I want to die and be buried here. Every year, there is a free concert, ranging from classical music to rock music, held at the cemetery.

5-30K people can come listen to music, drink a bit, dance, and have fun. That the cemetery I would like to be buried in.

If that is morbid to you, you are not invited. :)

***Minion is now an adult. I am not worried about his financial future (everyone born after The Boomers got fucked, let's be honest)because luckily, I am a Black Sheep, and he will get my inheritance. Good for him! Since I am 34-99 years old (haha), I will not tell you how old he is. Yes, I was married and he was planned. I was TOO young-- but when your spouse made $80k a year in the early 2000s, you figure, nice, I will just raise minion, and then finish school. That did not happen the way I had it planned. The ex husband is still wealthy and lucky, and it pisses me off. If you knew the full story, you would understand. Let's just say that one brutal character mentioned in today's blog had a lot to do with it, including my parent's divorce. I swear it is not some Jerry Springer shit, and they did NOT bang, and luckily, my father and I were together when we found ''the letters''. The Brutal one would end up doing MUCH worse things than having feelings for her daughter's husband, and yeah-- it is personal.

Life is 50% unplannable. I do believe in luck, and I do believe in you get what you give, although I LOATHE woo woo pseudoscience bullshit.

I will NOT be camming tonight. My theatre thing begins tonight. It is only once a month. Last week, I couldn't have a schedule because I still have periods, which are very predictable, but this every 18 days shit is a bit new. Usually its every 25 days, abnormal is under 23 days in between periods. Went to the dr, had hormone levels taken. Good news-- I am NOT an alien. Bad news is that the tests prove pretty much nothing. I am having about 5 more periods a year than normal-- so about half the year. Great. Of course I now have to a dailytake high-ish dose iron supplements. I believe I have peri or pre-menopause which literally NO ONE talks about, yet it affects HALF of the population. And pre or peri-menopause is WORSE than menopause. Menopause is easy street, so I have learned. Some days I am nice and patient, other days I want to bite your face off. Sometimes I am horny, sometimes I seem asexual. When my roommate/ex bf of like 12 years (No, we do not bang and maybe once a month I fall asleep in his room watching a movie), DARES to shut MY room's window or turn off MY fan, especially if I am sleeping and wake up hot, I am literally thinking:

''I could kill you, and if half the jurors were women 35+, it would be an excusable homicide.'' I am not a violent person at all, btw, in any way or sense. I am learning as I go along. Surprise, surprise, there is not a whole lot of research on it. Reddit's Menopause has been a Godsend.

In the one racist area I lived in, I was ''jumped'' by 3 or 4 girls who basically PLAN attacked me, outta the blue. I won. All almost 5 feet of me. I learned about adrenaline and JFC, I get strong and mean if I think I am gonna die. I kicked dirt into their eyes and kicked their throats. How fucked up is that? I was maybe 11 years old. I did not and do not know how to fight. Is is something instinctual? I have no idea and too many research topics as it is. All I knew was that there were three of them, one of me, and they were larger and taller than I was.

Anyway, off to shower and go to my classes. Idk if I will cam after the theatre or not.

And you would not believe what I found when I took out the garbage, shortly after writing this (within the hour). It is not a popular name here, afaik. I will post it on Twitter @DarlingKara.

[profoundnightwinner]

lady-lamb21

man this is overkill—no one is taking your humanity away, and people are absolutely allowed to criticize you for something you want if you publicly express it. just as you are allowed to criticize someone if they said “hey i really want there to be no laws restricting paparazzi, i just wanna see every single angle of every single moment of someone’s life” (and hey i sure hope you would criticize that…right?)—im not even gonna justify the princess di remark with a response bc…wtf

lady-lamb21

i apologize for my misuse of the word advocating, but the rest of my argument still stands

I hope you don’t mind me replying like this, it is not to @ you, but rather because I think it is an interesting discussion and if anyone else is following it I would like for them to see it as well.

People are absolutely taking other people’s humanity away. It is a huge problem and it has been for a long time.

At first it was just drips. Those weirdoes that you blocked. But they wouldn't stop. They bored into every fannish space on the Internet.

You liked pirates? “Do you realize that pirates were problematic because they looted and stuff?”

—Eh, well, yes, actually . . .

*SCREECH*

There became long, whiny treatises about everything. Everything that people liked were problematic. Anything that was normal and human was problematic.

And they just. Would. Not. Shut. Up. About. It.

The Rocky Horror Show? (And I never even liked that movie . . . )—Problematic.

Liking villains?—Problematic.

Anything fun at all? Problematic.

And eventually, most of the sane ones just left. They found their safe spaces on the Internet, closing out the crazy ones. Discord and the likes.

And the whiny people followed people out into the real world, invading people's spaces there, scheeching about things that nobody in their right mind gives a hoot about.

And now?

The simple emotion of just wanting to say goodbye to a loved one? Problematic.

All of the above is just ordinary human behaviour. All problematizing the above does is leave the floor to the inhuman ones.

Be honest. Did you need some random chick on the Internet to tell you not to harass Liam’s family (the very thought of doing that at least makes me sick). Or behave like a gremlin? Would you have been there, at his funeral, screaming at the sight of the other boys like it was 1999 2013, if it had not been for that post? I don’t think you would have.

And that opens up the question of why whoever that was felt the need to post. And the reason was probably to show Moral Superiority™.

And that sort of whiny performative stuff, it's got to stop. It is so tiring.

And people are sick and tired of it. They have chosen the nuclear option to just get the screeching to stop.

And it doesn't mean anything. I would see treatise upon treatise (all of them dull as dirt) written about mental health, but when it came to an actual person who had mental health problems, our Liam, none of those same people had any grace at all.

Those people have turned the Internet and life grey.

There’s this funny post going around about how the Internet ruins anything fun, and I laughed too, and reblogged it, but the truth is that the Internet didn’t used to be that way.

It used to be so much fun!

It’s being taken over by people who just want to preach without caring, and control others.

Now everything that isn’t as bland as a Coffee Shop AU is problematic. Real people with their messy, real feelings are problematic.

People, and especially girls and women, aren’t allowed to have natural feelings or think about what’s in their own interest at all.

Look, I don’t think everyone who reblogged that post or similar sentiments was the ebil or whatever—I’ve parroted things mindlessly, too. A lot about stalkers and whatever. And then I read all of these nice posts now from people who wished they had said something to Liam— and . . . I keep thinking, was those people filtered away from him by those posts? Did those posts keep some kind, good people he should have found away from him?

And Liam’s father seemed to really appreciate the memorial. And the fans keeping vigil over him. One post I reblogged said that Liam’s father returned to the memorial before leaving :(

It’s not that I think people should run off to be stalkers, or whatever. But maybe we should all just . . . keep our traps shut about things we don’t know anything about? Maybe we don’t need to have an opinion about absolutely everything? Maybe we should focus on having fun and being decent human beings ourselves?

(Still, like, pleasantly gossiping amongst ourselves—if anything, the good gossip has always been hard to come by in this fandom. If somebody gives a bad vibe or whatever. But much less with the preaching! Humility needs to make a comeback!)

If I could give advice to the kids of today, I would say—go out, meet people, drink, smoke a cigarette and have sex. Don’t do drugs.

Since this is Tumblr, I will instead say read that kinky novel, eat a licorice cigarette, and drink something through a plastic straw. (Just throw in the trash later, like all of us always did! Unless raised in a barn!)

Allow yourselves to feel. It is not bad to want things, just don’t be a creep about it. And try to avoid serial killers.

i know you’re likely to find this offensive considering the tone you’ve used to respond to similar criticisms, but i genuinely mean no disrespect when i say: liam payne wasn’t a celebrity first, he was a person. i understand why princess diana had the funeral and public mourning that she did, though i think an argument could be made for the fact that she never wanted to be a part of the royal family and therefore, it could be assumed that she likely wouldn’t have loved being mourned the way royal family members are—but she’s a different person and that’s a different situation.

i think it’s been really lovely to see all the memorials popping up for liam and group events that have been held for fans to express their grief with each other. i think it’s also been really nice to see how many heartfelt posts and statements have been made about him, from fans, colleagues, and family members alike. but liam’s funeral is for his loved ones. it is not for anyone who thinks they’re entitled to his family’s grief because they loved his music. privacy is such a gift, and for someone who was torn apart in the public eye so aggressively, i think it’s important that he’s given that gift at his own funeral at least. i think what you’re advocating for is pretty disturbing, and the way you’ve responded to people who’ve said similarly has seemed pretty inappropriate. i’m sure you’ll respond the same way to this, calling me a bitch and critiquing my reading comprehension, but i read every word love, and you’re just in the wrong here. think about if it was you, and maybe the criticism wouldn’t be so befuddling. leaving anon off so you’re welcome to block or speak further if you’d wish.

all the best <3

I am not advocating anything, that's the thing.

I resent being told what I can and cannot want. And there has been so much of that, both in this fandom and on the Internet at large.

You think a private funeral would be best. And I can see your point.

But that is not what I *want*.

Do you understand the difference?

(Not critizing your reading comprehension. *g*)

Do you realize that critizing people for wanting something that is perfectly natural, wanting to say goodbye to a loved one, is wrong? It is simply human nature.

Princess Diana was also a person first, before she was a celebrity. *Every* celebrity is a person first, before they are a celebrity.

(Oh, and Diana would have loved that funeral, mark my words. *g*)

I am not saying anyone is entitled to anything. I am saying the exact opposite. *You* (*nobody*) are entitled to tell anyone what they are allowed to want.

The fandom police/the thought police wants to tell us all how to think, how to feel, that it is wrong to have wants and interests.

It is *okay* to have wants. It is *okay* to have your interest in a matter diverge from someone else's, even if it is someone you respect.

You have to ask yourself—the people who posted that, if they had received an invitation, would they have gone?

I am not advocating anything. I was peacefully minding my own business on the matter when that video started circulating and suddenly there were even more posts going around.

And I am just so incredibly tired of that kind of performative whining. It does no good and does in fact do a great deal of harm (look at the recent election) and it gaslights people into thinking that having a simple wish or want is somehow wrong.

Beloved public figures sometimes get a big public send-off.

There is no harm in quietly, peacefully, respectfully wanting something like that.

We need to stop letting people take our humanity away.

It is only the inhuman ones that want us to stop wanting.

[normiewizard]

ok so the recent wave of criticism against the invasion of privacy and fetishization of real life lgbtq people is REALLY refreshing and important. BUT I don’t think we can have these conversations without really looking at the reasons why this keeps happening.

 For a community that is so harmful to closeted people, it is overwhelmingly made up of closeted people! A lot of these are kids with no other concept of a queer community. The amount of closeted, repressed kids relying on social media as an outlet has created an environment in which fetishization is the same as pride. Shipping real people gives lgbt kids hope for a real relationship. Outing and Fictionalizing real people gives them the opportunity to have lgbt role models or closeted/questioning role models that they otherwise wouldn’t have had access to.

It is ABSOLUTELY still toxic. A lack of boundaries and empathy for public figures definitely plays a role, but looking at it as only an issue of bad allies or creepy straight people won’t lead to a solution.

[ahqkas]

𝐨𝐨𝐨. THE SWEETNESS OF HIS VOICE ; anakin skywalker

pairing! anakin skywalker x gn!reader

synopsis! he was known to be as your personal poet, letting the sweet whispers of his voice to spoil you with compliments. it seems like he does it in his sleep, too

warnings! fluff, not proofread, i described anakin's looks more than i should (look at him), lmk if i missed smth !!

word count! 1k

note! im reposting this bc it disappeared from the tags and flopped and i might like the work a bit too much for that SO hopefully it wont happen again , liking, reblogging & commenting is deeply appreciated <3 (inspo taken from one of the reblogs tysm!!)

© ahqkas — all rights reserved. even when credited, these works are prohibited to be reposted, translated or modified

The air in the space of your bedroom was chilly, the temperature fine enough to keep you from freezing to death or suffocating from the hotness under your too many blankets and pillows. A gentle breeze of air was entering the room through opened balcony door and letting the perfectly aligned stars shine a path back home. Home. What a strange word to many, familiar to some. Home is a place with charm and character, somewhere you felt being safe and secure and happy to return after a tiring day.

It is a place where you're accepted for being who you are, as you are. Your true self. Along with all your strengths, weaknesses, feelings and actions. No one's there to judge you and make fun of you. You feel like you belong here and not like a lifeless frame without a silhouette of a soul. It's full of warmth and comfort and you wouldn't move away from a place like that.

Anakin is your home.

His arms are strong when they're wrapped around you in a longing hug and there's no intention in moving them away in any time. They're the definition of grounding, like an anchor would do with an old sailor's ship. They keep you grounded from the cruel reality you call your world and there's not a single place in the entire galaxy where you'd feel better, safer.

You prefer it this way.

The realisations are mostly happening at nights, like one of them now, when you just simply lay in your bed and stare into the unknown, the loud thoughts refusing to leave your tired mind. It would be deadly silent if not for Anakin's quiet snoring. His snoring ─ you really wouldn't call it snoring ─ was composed from light puffs of air escaping his nose and mouth from time to time. Some would call it strange but the movements gave you a feeling of comfort that he's there. Laying in your bed.

He made you feel like you put the stars on the night sky and you outshined the silver of the Moon with your beauty.

Anakin's hand, which was resting on the curve of your waist, twitched slightly, shifting your attention from the pointless staring to his sleeping frame and you took your time in admiring him. He truly looked like an angel with the moonlight hitting him at all the right places, painting his face with shades only artists can use and create something inhumanly admirable. The apples of his cheeks glistened in the lightning like there were some unshed tears rolling down them and you found yourself aching to kiss away every one of them. You were lucky to call him yours.

Your attention moved to his parted mouth, unsaid words escaping them like haunted memories scaring a child. Even asleep, Anakin's lips looked as kissable as ever. The imaginable sweetness of them called to you like sweet honey and your mind drifted off, the scenery as mesmerising as you remember. He once told you: "Since the day I met you, my life hasn't been the same in the best way possible and if I had the chance to meet you again, I'd fall in love with you every time" and those words carved themselves into the core of your mind, never intending to let go.

The Jedi certainly had a way with his words. Usually, when he was speaking to his colleagues and such, he'd choose the words and sentences carefully as if not to upset them more than they were. It was no surprise that most held some kind of a grudge against the man, the main reason was either his reckless personality or the late training of his ten years old self. He didn't ask for this yet almost a half of the Council saw a dark future coming from him. But for you (and enemies but we don't talk about that), his mouth could run all day and there wouldn't be a said word to regret.

Anakin let out a whisper which made you return to the reality, but you didn't catch what he said. You found out he sleep talked (just like you) a couple nights ago and nothing could describe the joy you felt after the discovery. He liked to tease you about the things you say in your sleep, now was your turn to bite him back and enjoy every second of it. It's a damn mystery, what could he possibly talk about? It's not like he keeps any secrets from you and you two knew everything about each other (physically and emotionally).

Another whisper didn't go past your hearing though. You leaned in closer, the crown of your head perfectly fitting under Anakin's chin as you closed your eyes and listened more.

"My love."

His voice could be compared to the sound of bells or music you liked to listen to because that's what it was like, you never minded Anakin's blabbering or his restless explanations of the things he had passion in because of the promising comfort you've achieved by it.

"My angel."

The breath in your throat hitched, no matter how many times you've heard those names, your nicknames, roll out of your lover's lips. He's always meant them with nothing but sincerity and the sweetness of them was like the best cake in the whole universe, awaiting for you to take it all with a cherry at the top.

"I hope you know you are perfect, I can't imagine a life without you. You have no idea how lucky I am."

No, Ani, you have no idea how lucky you feel at this moment. In the arms of the person who makes you feel the safest and at home, you could spend here an eternity without any regrets. No problems, no worries, no responsibility. He would keep all the cruel things as far away from you as possible and give you the warm feeling his embrace provided.

"I love you, y'know."

And right now you felt like breaking down, right there in his arms because you realized how lucky you actually are. You wouldn't be there if Anakin wasn't so much of a rule breaker and didn't allow his love for you to be something deeper than just a friendly attachment. You had someone to love you so deeply, someone many wished for. That feeling was without any doubt the best feeling in the entire existence.

"My sweet love."

TAGLIST ━ @maytheforcebewithyouanakin

[that-one-weeb-but-starwars]

They met in the rain| Hunter

Note: god I love this one, also RIP grammar I did this on my phone on a farm

Warnings: mentions of basically space pornhub but nothing really explicit, Hunter figuring out what his sexuality is and making very unreasonable conclusions because hes basically scared bc well I do that too

Reader: male

Masterlist

Hunter stood under the oning. The rain heavy and droplets big. A asortment of marigolds in his hand looking for the girl he was ment to meet, he himself dressed up in polished armour, he didnt have many chlothes to choose from so polished and clean armour seemed the best option.

Yet the more he waited the more disappointed he became, and hour later no one showed up, two hours later still no one. He sighed.

Why?

"Hey! Mind me taking a spot next to you?" A man asked rushing under the oning.

Hunter nodded as the man stood next to him hair once done nice soaked and stuck to his face his chlothes soaked. It was quiet between the two.

"You okay?" Y/n called over the rain.

"Huh?" Hunter questioned, "I'm. Fine."

Y/n frowned, "You don't seem very fine."

Hunter sighed, "date stand you up too?"

Y/n chuckled, "yeah. Yeah he did."

"He?" Hunter questioned Y/n sighed.

"Yeah. He." Y/n spoke, "he was a real smooth talker too."

Hunter let out a low laugh, "seems we had the same problem."

Y/n looked back seeing a bench, sitting himself down Hunter looked back, Y/n patting the spot next to him. Hunter sat down flowers besides him.

"What's your name?" Hunter questioned.

"Y/n." He smiled, "you?"

"Hunter."

Y/n nodded, "you're a clone, a...Sargeant am I correct?"

Hunter looked over at him a bit shocked, "uh, yeah."

"I had a good friend that was a clone. He went missing a while ago. Taught me everything I know today." Y/n spoke.

"What was his name?" Hunter questioned.

"Kix." Y/n spoke.

"You were a republic medic." Hunter responded.

Y/n nodded, "you knew kix?"

"Not much we did one mission together." Hunter admitted, "loyal to his brothers."

Y/n nodded, it becoming silent between the two, Hunter felt good, someone that understood his struggle of being an outside besides him.

"So. When did you start dating guys?" Hunter blurted out causing Y/n's head to turn, "Wait! I'm sorry! I didn't mean it like that-"

"No. No." Y/n laughed, "its okay. You know Kix asked me that exact way, think it confused him a little bit at first as I was dating a female twilek just before hand,"

"Oh." Hunter spoke quietly, "You...you can date both?"

"Um. Yeah." Y/n spoke, "why not?"

"Dating anybody wasnt really allowed in the GAR. Especially-"

"Within clone ranks. Right." Y/n spoke, "I kind of forget about that stuff sometimes...this was your first date then?"

Hunter nodded, Y/n frowning, stood up on his first date. Wow.

"Right now Im thinking it would of been better to ask you out rather than her." Hunter spoke with a nervous smile but then immediately started to correct himself, "Well! Not- It's not, I"

"Its okay. Really." Y/n smiled, " Dating is hard."

Hunter looked away from him and down at his hands. His mind running through the conversation over and over, Y/n dated a man and a woman, and seemed perfectly happy with it. He felt dirty for even dating a woman, sure clones had...needs, but he had always taken care of them himself. Hunter wouldnt lie, when he had to take care of his needs with a video or two to help. He found himself gazing in a different direction each and every time. It mostly started with females dominating over males, then leaned towards men being well- pegged. He found it okay, it was still a woman and man, just different. Then he had found male on male videos, the idea of someone ontop of him in such a way made his climaxs much more intense the idea of someone grabbing his face and making him look up at him with such deep and mysterious eyes made with a strong grip of a males hand made him go crazy. But well. He had brothers.

What were they going to think? And Omega? That little girl who has his heart, a daughter in his eyes. What would she think? That he was gross? That he was werid? That he would try and advance on his brothers? Unreasonable things had started going through his head. But he always seemed to boil them down to just fantasies. Something that would never have, like a dream. That would be until he seen a man at Cid's bar, sure a girl on each arm a firm grip on there waist as he was obviously wealthy, but that didn't matter, his eyes were a a crazy purple color, his voice was smooth and deep, and well. He...he was mind blowing to Hunter. The man walked up to them, taller than Hunter, and a deep chuckle on his words as he explained the job he wanted done. Hunter luckily managed to cover his red ears with his bandanna and act normal.

Thats not what he wanted, a flirt? Sure a bit. But he wanted a relationship, a loving partner and as cliche as he thought it was he wanted a story book romance. He found himself even more in a pickle when he started looking at both women and men in the same light. Confused and conflicted he shut himself off, any one to advance him for such a relationship or act he turned away or walked away before he could be asked.

But this girl? Man was she the one. She'd come to cids bar to ask just for him, bring the boys the cookies and all, he thought they had something, but he supposed not. Not a comn link chatter, or a woman in sight. Just him and Y/n, sitting on a bench with then rain infront of them.

"Hey? You-"

"Go on a date with me." Hunter blurted out once again, his body even leaning forward toward Y/n in such a way.

Y/n blinked in confusion, "Im. I'm sorry." He laughed a bit out of shock.

Hunter retracted back, Y/n quickly stopping his by grabbing his hand.

"Hey,wait you just shocked me is all. You were all quiet for a mintue there." Y/n told him, Hunter's face and ears red.

"I. Im sorry." Hunter told, he was never this shy, stuttering in such ways.

"Am I your first male date?" Y/n questioned Hunter just nodded Y/n smiling smally.

"I'm honored, and would love to go on a date with you." Y/n smiled, "how about we go now?"

Y/n stood up Hunter's hand in his picking him up to his feet.

"Come on! We can go to a caf shop! Or watch a holo movie!" Y/n tried to pursuade.

"Now?" Hunter questioned.

Y/n nodded, "I think we're both free and dressed for the occasion anyways."

Hunter chuckled, it felt good to laugh and Y/n smiled.

"Yeah. Let's do it."

Y/n smiled, "lets go then! Come on! A new Vemon holo just came out!"

Hunter laughed as they went hand in hand running down the street to tried and pass the rain as quick as possible.

Hunter was glad, he had found someone who made him genuinely happy in such a hard time. Someone that understood him to a degree. Someone as simple as a stranger, and if others didnt like it well, who cared? Many people never cared about clones anyways. Hunter felt safe hand in hand with this man he had met in the rain.

[atlabeth]

hold onto me (im a little unsteady) - sokka x reader

i was listening to the song when i came up w this so feel free to listen to that if you want

summary: a late night with sokka reminds you that even on the worst days, you always have someone in your corner.

a/n: lmao this is 100% self indulgent i have no excuses. my parents are getting divorced and almost every time they're together they argue and so this is just a comfort fic after it happened again tonight bc GD i wish i had a sokka. this one goes out to all my divorce babies or people with parents that never stop arguing. you are very loved<3

wc: 1.7k, this got away from me lol

warning(s): mentions of parents arguing n shit, like the tiniest mentions of implying sex and problems with consent (in general, not with them), but this is all fluff

hey. i know you’re probably asleep right now but could you come over?

It was far too late at night when you sent the text. A question asked on a whim, an offer that would most likely go ignored due to the boy on the other end being asleep.

But goddammit, you really didn’t care. Even if he didn’t respond, just hitting ‘send’ made you feel slightly better. You had already taken refuge in one of the sweatshirts he had left at your house (read: one that you had stolen and refused to give back) and as your eyes fell on the glow of the digital clock on your bedside table, you were once again reminded of how stupid this was.

But you heard the telltale buzz of a notification and all but lunged for your phone, an uncontrollable smile tugging on your lips. You didn’t know why you ever doubted him.

sokka💙: you know i never sleep babe

sokka💙: a curse of my genius

sokka💙: im omw

you’re the best thank you love<3

A pair of fuzzy socks and a refilled water bottle later, you heard the sound of something hitting your window. Though you tensed up at first, a roll of your eyes was all it took before you remembered just who you had invited over. Another smile took over as you pushed yourself off of your bed, pushing the curtains aside in time to see another pebble hit the pane.

A physical effort took place to stifle the laugh as you pushed your window up, and you leaned against the sill on your elbows to get a better look at your ridiculous boyfriend.

“Throwing rocks at my window? I think I’m stuck in a bad romcom.”

He grinned and let the remaining pebbles fall to the ground. “It’s what’s to be expected from your Prince Charming, right? Besides, I’m assuming that your parents wouldn’t just let me walk through the front door at this hour.”

You felt the heat rise to your cheeks. Just the sight of Sokka was always enough to make you feel better, and tonight was no exception. The vice on your heart was already starting to loosen. “Right as usual. Think you’ll catch me if I jump?”

He laughed and made a show of looking up and down the distance and then at his arms. “I’d like to say so, but I think we’d have better luck if I climb up.”

“You sure you can do that, big guy?” you asked with a teasing grin. He rolled his eyes with the same sentiment.

“Of course I can. I just thank nature that there’s a tree so close to your window. It’s saved me from a lot of embarrassing falls.”

You chuckled and backed away from the window, the slight chill from the night air beginning to get to you. “I’ll leave you to it while I get things ready.”

Truth be told, your room was a total mess at the moment. You knew Sokka wouldn’t care, especially not now, but it put you slightly more at ease to have something in your life that you could control. You were in the middle of shoving some previously strewn-about clothes into your closet when you heard the click of your window closing. When you turned around, you were met with your boyfriend’s smiling face.

“You’re so pretty,” you murmured as you walked over to him. He wrapped his arms around your waist as you kissed him lightly on the lips, unable to stop the blossoming smile nor the warmth that the action gave you. “Thank you for being here.”

“Of course.” The softness of his words were in stark contrast to the joking bravado from only minutes earlier, and as you stepped away from his embrace and pushed yourself onto your bed, he joined you on the other side. “And not that I’m not happy to be here, but I just wanna know. What’s going on?”

You sighed, letting one leg hang off the bed as you tucked the other in. It was a testament to Sokka’s power how quickly he had gotten you to forget about the new mess of the night. “The usual showing of fuckall and fuckup. I’m more impressed by how they never run out of things to scream at each other about.”

Your bad joke didn’t get a laugh out of him, which you were secretly glad for. Instead, he snaked an arm around your back and tugged you closer, a contented sigh falling from your lips as you nestled your head into the space between his shoulder and his head. “I’m sorry,” he murmured. “You know it’s not your fault, right?”

The phrase had gone in one ear and out the other more times than you could count from your parents, but each time Sokka said it, the words held a different weight. You knew it wasn’t your fault in the first place, but guilt didn’t care all that much for logic. You knew he meant it though, and once more the vice loosened.

“I know. But it still helps to hear it.” You glanced up at him, reaching a hand up to twist a loose strand of his hair around your finger. “You should wear your hair down more often,” you mused. “It makes you look like a prince.”

He chuckled, amusement glinting through his ocean eyes. “I did say I was your Prince Charming, didn’t I?”

You smiled, slowly uncurling his hair from your finger. “Yeah.”

“That means I’ll always be there for you. Especially to save my royal from their evil stepparents.”

Another laugh bubbled in your chest at that, and you leaned closer into him. “Thank you. The more I visit your place, the more I want your family to be mine. Hakoda is like, the nicest man I’ve ever met, and your mom? She actually makes me want to cry with how sweet she is. I think I know where you get it from.”

He grinned and bumped your leg with his own. “You know you’re welcome over there any time. But maybe you shouldn’t — I think my mom might actually adopt you with how much she loves you. That… that would be really weird.”

His joy was infectious as you planted another kiss on his cheek, something that earned you a, as you liked to call it, dazzling Signature Sokka Smile. “I’ll make sure she holds off on the adoption papers for now.”

“I’d like that.”

And though the happiness you felt at the moment was almost overwhelming, that was just what caused that tiny sliver of doubt to come in. When people invited their partners over at three in the morning, it usually wasn’t to sit on the bed and talk about their problems. It was… it was for more, and you didn’t want that right now. And because you were an expert at it, you decided to put your foot in your mouth and start talking.

“I— I’m sorry that I called you over here so late, for no reason. I know you probably expected something else than me ranting, but…” you sighed, drawing your knees closer to your chest as you brought your other hand to Sokka’s resting on your shoulder. “I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong idea.”

He sighed at that, but you knew it wasn’t one of disappointment. “You know I’m here for you. I don’t care if you just want to sit in silence for the next five hours while we stare at the wall, or if you want to watch sappy rom coms until your eyes bleed. I’m more than okay with staying like this. I didn’t come over here because I expected anything from you — I came over here because you needed me, and so I’m here.” Sokka smiled, an image you didn’t think would ever stop making you melt, and intertwined your hand with his. “This is perfect. You’re perfect.”

You were so stunned at the brazen declaration that your voice got stuck in your throat for a moment, holding back tears. (Happy tears. They were never anything other than happy tears with Sokka.) It hit you then that you didn’t really know what it was like having someone get close to you without an ulterior motive.

“Thank you,” you murmured after a moment of comfortable silence. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” You knew he was smiling, even without having to look up at him. You could hear it in his voice, feel it in the kiss he pressed to your hairline.

A comfortable silence hung in the air for a long time until you broke it. “You know… my dad kinda ran off to a motel for the night after this whole thing, and my mom leaves early in the morning. If you were serious about those rom coms…” You allowed the unsaid question of staying the night to fester so Sokka knew he could say no if he wanted to, but he didn’t even hesitate.

“Of course I was serious. I mean, I’ve gotta get the ideas for our future wedding from somewhere.”

You laughed, a sentiment that had occurred more times in the ten minutes he had been here than the past week, and picked the remote for your little box TV off of your bedside table. You clicked through various movies until you found one Sokka liked, and then you cuddled deeper into his side to prepare for the ride you had ahead of you.

Thirty minutes into 27 Dresses, he had fallen asleep, arm still around you and one of his legs slightly intertwined with one of your own. But it’s not like you minded — the familiar weight of Sokka in your bed had caused all your worries to melt away, if only for the night.

You didn’t expect him to last past the first movie, but you were sure you would at least get through until Katherine Heigl got the man. But there was an overwhelming feeling of safety permeating the air with Sokka’s arms around you, and you ended up knocked out before she could even get through all twenty seven dresses.

It wasn’t lost on you how fortunate you were — he didn’t expect anything like that from you, he just wanted you to be safe. He was there for you. You would never understand how you had gotten so lucky with your boyfriend, but you would never stop being grateful for him.

-

this is the most self indulgent thing ive ever written and i am NOT sorry

perm tags: @dv0412 @siriuslyslyslytherin @maruchan77

atla tags: @marianne1806 @brown-eyed-thang @akiris

[finnyboywolfhard]

Kiss It, Make It Better

Steve Harrington x Henderson!Reader 

summary: Y/N craves smoking with someone new, so who better than Steve Harrington. 

A/N: this is based solely on the ‘it’s only marijuana’ line in season three bc i am in love with stoner!Steve 

warnings: drugs <3, cursing, fluff 

word count: 2.4k 

Y/N and Dustin had the routine since Y/N got her license, that once a month they would have a sibling drive, in which they would drive around with the sole intent of getting caught up with one another. Given all the shit they had been through over the past few years, it naturally became their own special form of therapy. The Events of Starcourt on the Fourth of July and the days prior were once again weighing heavily on the two during their first drive since.

“What was it like being drugged?” Dustin asked, his curiosity weaving its way into his voice.

“Weird. It kinda felt like everything was the best thing ever, but it also came at the worst time. It was also weird that it was with Steve Harrington and Robin.”

“Is it like weed?”

“Is it like what?” Y/N knew the answer, it was no, but she had no idea why her little brother was deciding to ask her that in that exact moment.

“When you guys were drugged, I kept asking Steve if he did drugs, and he said that he only did marijuana. I wanted to know if they were comparable. So, is it like weed?”

“First off Dusty, you don’t ‘do’ marijuana, you smoke it. And secondly, I’m not answering that question, you can save that query for Steve.” Steve. Y/N had a lot of thoughts about him, it was interesting to hear about him from the rumors in high school in comparison to how she saw him act regularly. And ever since she started smoking to calm herself down, she has craved smoking with someone other than Robin, maybe Steve was worth a shot.

“Speaking of Steve, he said he might be over a lot over the next few nights while his parents are away, just so you know.”

“Oh? Is he coming tonight?”

“No, not tonight. He isn’t off work till 9 and mom doesn’t want him coming an hour before my dumbass bedtime— I still don’t get why she just NOW gave me a bedtime while you don’t even have a curfew.” Her brother started rambling, but all she could pay attention to was that he was going to be home alone tonight. Would it be that crazy of her to show up after all the trauma they had been through over the past 3 years?

“It’s because I’m legally an adult, so she’s treating me as such, and you’re just going into high school, she wants you to be safe. But okay, guess we’ll just have to see him soon.” The two drove around for a while longer before returning home. As the hours in between past, Y/N glanced towards her bookshelf, in which held a hidden stash of weed. She could always tell her mom she was just going to Robin’s, she would never try to prevent Y/N from seeing Robin.

She walked toward the bookshelf with soft footing, and with a gentle touch she plucked the hard covered book from the shelf. Inside lay two pre rolled joints she bought from her dealer and some bud Murray had snuck her after Hopper’s memorial. She snapped the book closed and tossed the book gently onto her bed. She put on a zip up hoodie and packed a fake sleepover bag. The books spine crackled gently as the cover was opened just enough for her to grab the pre-rolls out and into her pocket.

With backpack slung over her shoulders and her hands tucked securely in her pockets, Y/N strolled casually into the living room where her mother sat, as the minutes ticked quicker and quicker past 9:30–he was definitely home by now.

“Hey mom! Inhope you don’t mind but I’m gonna head over to Robin’s.”

“Oh! Did she call? I didn’t even hear the phone!”

“Oh no! She didn’t!” Y/N let in a gulp, she didn’t think this through. “She asked me a few days ago to come over tonight if I wanted to, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go until a little bit ago.”

“Ah, sounds like you, Do you wanna call her before you head over?” Claudia stood from her seat and began moving and motioning towards the phone.

“No!’ Y/N shrieked at her mother, who turned confusedly towards her. “Her mom goes to bed early and I told her that if I was gonna come it would be between 9 and 10, she assumes I’m coming, but I do really gotta get going.” Y/N glanced nervously at the clock, it was getting later and later and there comes a time where it’s a little uncomfortable to show up. Claudia glanced to the clock as well.

“Okay Y/N/N, you better get going.”

“Bye mom—“

“—Drive safe, be careful, I love you.”

“I love you too mom.” Y/N said as she practically ran to her car. She turned her car on and began the drive towards his house, not even thinking twice about where she was going until the car came to a park in his driveway.

“Shit!” Y/N yelled at herself. She yelled at herself for being weird and for showing up unannounced. She calmed herself down by saying, “who wouldn’t want someone showing up with free weed? Don’t overthink it.” She pulled in a complete, deep breath and walked hesitantly to the door. Three knocks sounded off the door, her breath fluttering ever so slightly as she let her hand fall to her side. Footsteps could be heard from the opposite side of the door, stepping closer and closer by the second. The doorknob turned and Y/N’s attention snapped up to meet the gaze of the boy at large.

“Hey Y/N, what’re you doing here?” Steve asked delightfully surprised. Her hand reached inside her pocket to pull one of the two joints. She lifted it from her pockets to where he could see it.

“Got a light?” She asked with a smirk.

After finding a lighter, the two made their way to his backyard. They sat parallel to one another in their chaise chairs. Y/N flicked the lighter a few times before sparking up the first joint of the night. She pulled a large huff in and held it as she passed the joint to Steve. He took in a long drag, holding the joint in front of him to inspect it after he hit it. A few seconds after Y/N had released her hit, Steve started coughing a bunch.

“Jesus Y/N, where the hell did you get this?” Steve said through the gasps for air.

“Good shit, huh?” Y/N joked as she inhaled another hit. The two fell into a rhythm of passing it back and forth as conversation allowed itself to flood the air.

“So what made you come here Y/N?” Steve pondered towards the girl.

“Dusty started asking me about when we were drugged, and apparently you told him you smoked weed. And, as much as I love Robin, I need someone new to smoke with, and you’re not AWFUL to hang out with.” Y/N explained, with sarcasm dripping from the last sentence.

“Wow, I feel so touched. Truly, I feel like the luckiest man alive. THE Y/N Henderson chose ME to smoke with. Best day of my life.” Steve rambled on, matching the sarcastic tone Y/N started with. The two laughed for a bit together, before Y/N spoke through the giggles.

“I am sorry for just showing up, I just didn’t know how to ask.”

“What? Am I that scary?”

“You’re THE King Steve, you’re the coolest, hottest guy at Hawkins. I was so intimidated by your male wiles. I am begging at your feet Steve Harrington.” Y/N mocked other girls she had witnessed in Hawkins. “No you’re not scary, I just couldn’t bring myself to say ‘Hey Steve, want to do some drugs with me?’ on our family phone, it didn’t feel right.” Steve let out a chuckle and a ‘fair enough’. It fell silent for a moment as the joint had its final hits taken from it.

“Why haven’t we hung out before? I mean away from all the traumatizing shit.” Steve asked slowly as he let himself sink down into the chair.

“Different friend groups before it all and then after and during it all, I didn’t and don’t want to impede on you and Dustin’s time. Plus neither of us have asked each other anyway.”

“That’s not true, I invited you to the movies that one day you stopped into scoops alone.”

“Yeah after I had already told you I was babysitting that night, you didn’t even ask to reschedule.”

“Yes I absolutely—didn’t. I didn’t.” Steve said, confidence dissipating. Y/N couldn’t help but focus to each small feature of his face one by one. Sure, she had looked at him but she never looked at him. He really was beautiful.

Jokes and stories were told between the two, laughter and exaggerated stories filled the bubble they put themselves in. In those moments, there was no one else in the world but Steve and Y/N.

“And that’s how Mike Wheeler broke his finger in our backyard.” Y/N let out through a fit of giggles. Steve clutched his stomach as he let himself fall back into the chair from the gut busting laughter Y/N had sent him into. As he got more comfortable, he glanced down at his watch. His eyes bulged at the time.

“Holy shit.” He said flustered, eyes never leaving the watch face.

“What? What time is it?”

“It’s almost 2 A.M.”

“Oh damn…” Y/N said, a dangerously fun smile finding its way to her face. Her hand reached towards the second joint in her pocket. “So this would be of no interest to you?” Steve’s squinted eyes opened just a peep. He let out a long whine.

“I think I’m too high to even move…but that looks so good.” Y/N looked between him and the joint. She noticed space for her to sit on the edge of his chair, and placed herself there. She placed the joint between her lips and gave it a light, waiting for the rolling paper burn down to the weed. From between her lips, she pulled the joint between her fingers and held it gently up to his. He took in a pull, never once releasing eye contact. With each consecutive hit, the distance between them drew closer and closer, eventually leaving their faces merely inches apart. Her fingers were so far back on the joint, they grazed his lips as he took in one of the final hits. Her fingers tingled from his touch. She glanced towards his eyes, his meeting hers already. The air around them went still and quiet. Their eyes were locked on each other, contact never wavering as their bodies moved towards one another like a magnet. His eyes stayed put on hers as his voice fell in the air.

“Give me one more.” Her hand lifted lightly and placed itself at his lips once more. The joint glowed a bright red as he inhaled the smoke. Y/N was so enraptured by his beauty, she didn’t notice the joint burning down to a nub. She watched as a cloud of smoke was blown from his lips and into the sky, before the heat had finally reached her touch.

“Son of a bitch!” She exclaimed as she dropped the roach to the ground. She lifted her fingers to her mouth, attempting to ease the burning feeling. The burn wasn’t bad, just a little redness but it didn’t hurt any less.

“Hey, let me see it.” Steve’s tone was much gentler now as he lifted her hand into his own. He raised her gently by her wrist to examine the burnt fingers. He delicately placed the burnt fingers to his lips and gave them a tiny little kiss.

“Kiss it, make it better.” He whispered, just barely audible to her ears. That’s what was so shocking about Steve, his heart was so filled with love and care. He did his best to make everyone feel protected, even if his popular guy persona overshadowed it at times.

“How are you so perfect?” Her voice came out quietly. Slowly, he lifted his head to look at her once more and without much thought, he closed the distance. The kiss was gentle and loving, but clearly stoked by passion. His lips upturned into a smile. She leaned back and traced her fingers across her lips. Just to make sure she didn’t imagine it, she pulled the boy towards her by the collar and planted one more kiss on him—and she noted that he kissed back with the same fervor.

“I have a crush on you Steve Harrington.” She said, hiding her blushing face from the boy. He turned her face towards him as he confessed,

“I’ve had a crush on you for like 3 months.”

“You have?”

“Yeah.” He said, his thumb gently grazing her cheek.

“Why?”

“Dustin talks about you enough, and I—uh I remembered all the times you’ve kicked ass over the past few years and it just kinda…happened. Who wouldn’t want someone as smart, badass, and beautiful as you?” He rambled our haphazardly, a blush forming across his cheeks as well.

“Steve…”

“Oh god, that was embarrassing, am I blushing? I feel like I’m blushing. fuck me.” Steve started rambling.

“Hey! It’s not embarrassing, it’s cute.” Y/N explained, but it didn’t seem to help. An idea flashed in her mind. “Oh no! You are so embarrassing, I am embarrassed. Ew, guess I

I’ll just have to close my eyes! I hope that embarrassing Steve Harrington doesn’t kiss me!” The sarcastic tone from earlier returning once more. A chuckle bubbled past Steve’s lips. He once more laid one on her, this time—a little bit more passionate than the past.

Y/N nuzzled herself into Steve’s side on the small beach chair they were on. The air sat comfortably still in that moment, the two reeling from the overwhelming emotions they had just felt. Quiet giggles pierce the air as Y/N studies her fingers.

“It worked.” She said matter of factly.

“What worked?”

“After you kissed it, I haven’t thought about it since. You made it better.” Y/N spoke melodically. Steve planted a kiss to the top of her head and pulled her closer in to him.

“Kiss it, make it better.” He repeated once more.

[buckaroosboogara]

911 week - Day 4:

“It’s always been you.” + love

(1700~ words, Buck and Eddie, blackout fic.)

@911week

"How long have we been here? Are you okay?" Buck asked, his throat begging for water.

"We have been here for," Eddie looked at his watch, the only source of light in the elevator. "3 hours."

"Are you okay?" He asked one more time.

Eddie's silence dragged for almost a minute before Buck spoke again.

"I need to know if you are hurt."

"I'm fine... physically." He finally said, taking air sharply. "The darkness and tight space... it reminds me of..."

"The well accident. Fuck."

The first thing Buck noticed when he woke up was that he was in a dark place.

It was hot, closed, and pitch-black. Tight.

He didn't like the implications of that.

He tried to move from his laying position only to be stopped by a stabbing pain in his skull.

Buck hissed as he laid on the floor again and a voice sounded in the dark, quiet but worried.

"Hey, hey, Buck, you are awake," The voice said out of breath. Buck felt a hand come to his shoulder clumsily and pat him. "Welcome back."

Buck grunted. His throat was dry and his mouth felt like sand, contrary to his skin which felt soaked in sweat. At least the pain was more bearable.

He turned on his back to sense the voice's owner, Eddie, sitting next to him on the floor. "What happened?"

"What happened was that we were helping a woman out of this elevator when the lights went off again and the elevator went down some stores before I pressed the emergency button." Eddie explained, with his breaths still shaky. "You hit your head pretty bad and I bandaged it with what I could. The radios don't work here, so I'm hoping Bobby will notice we are not out there with them."

Buck's hand climbed to his wet forehead where a piece of cloth was held to his skin with two pieces of tape. Rough but it would work.

"What happened with our coats' flashlights? And our helmets?"

"They ran out of battery, we used them for 8 hours straight Buck." Eddie yawned. "I took mine off as well as yours, this place feels like an oven. And the helmets... they are somewhere here."

"I kind of became desperate when I couldn't see or hear you. I haven't been able to look for them." Eddie huffed.

"And how long have we been here? Are you okay?" Buck asked, his throat begging for water.

"We have been here for," Eddie looked at his watch, the only source of light in the elevator. "3 hours."

"Are you okay?" He asked one more time.

Eddie's silence dragged for almost a minute before Buck spoke again.

"I need to know if you are hurt."

"I'm fine... physically." He finally said, taking air sharply. "The darkness and tight space... it reminds me of..."

"The well accident." Buck said with a huff. "Fuck, Eds I..."

"I am fine." Eddie forced out through his gritted teeth.

"Eddie-"

"No. I'm fine. End of conversation, we need to keep the oxygen."

Buck nodded although Eddie couldn't see him.

So he would of course avoid the topic.

He heard Eddie place his head against the metallic wall and breathe with difficulty.

Buck rolled his eyes, he knew how stubborn Eddie could be and he didn't need that in stressful moments like that one.

"Have any news about Chris?"

"Nope. My phone died like an hour ago," Eddie answered. "I couldn't find yours."

"Well, that's because mine is..." Buck muttered as he looked for the device on the back pocket of his pants. "Safe on my ass."

Eddie snorted a laugh and Buck smiled, mission accomplished.

The phone almost slipped from his hands and the air was taken from his lungs.

He turned it on and the light made him hiss. He could now see the elevator - it was indeed very small - and he could see Eddie, who was very much shirtless. His shirt was on his shoulders, missing the piece that was on his head.

"I-I guess I'll have to buy a new one. Great." He said, avoiding to look at the man by his side.

The device buzzed with a notification of very low battery, only 5%, and Buck noticed the screen had cracked in the fall.

"I could buy you one, after all, it's my fault that it's broken. Now give me." Eddie spoke and Buck did as told.

"So, what's the diagnosis doc?"

The former medic proceeded to turn the flashlight on and crouched in front of Buck to check his pupils.

"Pupils are matching, but you will need a CT scan once we get out of here."

Buck groaned again. He hated those.

Eddie passed Buck his phone but stayed still in front of him for some seconds.

Apart from being very much shirtless, Buck noticed he was very much pale and shaking. There was fear in his shiny eyes, which were scanning him in detail.

A hyperfixation.

Buck closed his eyes as he sighed, he should have known.

"Are you having a panic or anxiety attack?"

Eddie went back to his side feeling embarrassed and huffed a humorless laugh, "Honestly... I don't know. It just feels bad."

Buck shifted positions to look fully at Eddie. "It's okay. I'm here Eddie, I just need you to breathe. Will you do it with me?"

Eddie nodded, the world went black again.

His phone had died.

Eddie's breaths went faster.

"No, no, don't do that. You are going to hyperventilate and we don't want that." Buck grabbed Eddie's hand and squeezed it. "I'm here okay? I'm here with you. We are going to breathe together, how about that?"

"O-Okay."

"Inhale, one... two... three... four... yeah like that, and exhale, one... two... three... four..."

Some minutes later Eddie could calm down, the shudders went away with the cold sweat and they stayed in silence. Buck's hand was still tangled with Eddie's, on the other man's lap.

That encouraged Eddie to voice his thoughts.

"I... I hadn't remembered what it felt like until today. Not for years." He whispered into the air.

"I could have died. But I remembered a promise I made Chris once." Eddie turned his head to watch Buck. He found pitch-black that somehow made it easier to talk. "That I would always fight to come back to my family."

Eddie looked at the front again and simply said, "You are my family."

He felt Buck's body tensing by his side as he started stuttering. "I- I Eddie-"

"Why did you think I changed my will? I trust you more than I trust my own parents." He scoffed bitterly, squeezing his hand.

"I... I thought you only saw me as your best friend."

"If you knew..." he shut his mouth quickly. He had gone too far.

How could he have gone that far? Voicing his thoughts didn't mean telling Buck the truth about the things he felt for him. About the warm wave of happiness that washed over him every time they locked eyes. Every time Buck smiled. Every time Buck was with Chris.

The feeling of home never faded whenever he was with Buck, instead, it gained strength every time they saw each other.

"If I knew... what?" Buck asked and Eddie could feel his look on his side. His cheeks started to burn.

"Eddie-?" Buck was cut by hot lips on his cheek, giving him just a sweet short peck and going away. He gasped and Eddie tried to untangle their hands but Buck grabbed him tighter.

With his heart running wild on his chest, he reached a hand into the darkness and found a chest, he went up until he found Eddie's chin and clumsily made their lips meet halfway.

The kiss turned to be as good as a kiss in the darkness could be.

So unexpected, so romantic.

It was a mess. Both were a hot, sticky mess - in the good way, not the horny one - in a dark elevator at 5 am, sealing their mouths in their first kiss.

Buck loved it.

Eddie loved it too.

They separated to catch up with their breaths and smiled to the dark.

"If you knew," Eddie started, feeling Buck's head resting on his chest. "That it’s always been you, Buck.”

"I always saw you, Evan Buckley. For who you are, your good things and your bad things. I've seen your worst and your best, and I wanna be there for and with you in them for the rest of our lives."

"Ever since I saw you in the firehouse for the first time, since I saw you smiling in your car when we went to look for Christopher after the earthquake, since I saw you pinned under that truck... I have always known it's you. You who I want to experience life. You who I wanna watch Chris grow. You who I wanna marry someday. You who I wanna grow old with." Eddie answered with a smile.

"I love you too."

"Eddie... Oh god, all this time you... Fuck, I- I want that too." Buck chuckled, placing his hand carefully on his jawline and pulling him for another kiss.

"I love you."

The last thing they expected next was to hear the 118 outside the doors, having heard half of the conversation.

"As much as I love listening to you two getting your shit together-" Hen's voice cut through the elevator's doors. "And I really love it, we need to get you two outta there so, Albert! Bring the jaws!"

Then cheers were heard as both were freed from the elevator, coming out half hugging the other.

"You should have told me it would take you some hours in a sauna to get together! I would have gladly paid!" Chimney teased them.

"Amen, you said it, Chim." Hen agreed, making Buck seat on the gurney and transporting him down with the rest of the crew.

She checked both of them once they were in the parked ambulance and exclaimed to the street, "You all owe me 20 bucks each!"

The couple heard the whole 118 groan before they closed the ambulance doors and started making their way to the hospital, the light of the sunrise illuminating the city which was slowly recovering the electricity.

"You had a bet on us?" Buck whined from the gurney.

"Yup, and I just won. Took you three years and a month, but who's counting?" Hen smirked.

Eddie rolled his eyes fondly and took Buck's hand. "You can have all the bucks you want Hen. I already have the one I love."

(Tagging: @perfectlynervousbeard bc they asked me)

Chimney cried from the front, "Ugh, they are going to be that type of couple."

...