#bc in the past two months there have been two separate people who i would call more sth like
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forerussake · 2 years ago
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it’s an interesting realization to have, that you are no longer your best friend’s “best friend”, bc they have since moved on in their life and have made new friends, but to you they are still your “best friend”, bc you haven’t really.
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leclarifies · 3 days ago
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i love you. it's ruining my life. (MV33)
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✰ max verstappen x popstar!ex!reader ✰
summary: you and max have been broken up for four years now, going no contact for the entirety of those years. never bothering to contact eachother but he invites you to one of his races one day after the last show of your tour, who were you to say no?
genre: angst (im sorry)
wc: 3k
a/n: AHHH, THIS WAS WAS A DOOZY!!!!! i loved writing this (i mostly just like hurting myself more than anything). kind of dark themes tho, ooc max bc he vvv loving and would never cheat on his lover. thank you so much for 100 followers btw!!!!!! i wrote this as a 100 follower special :3 thank you so much for my supporting my short journey as a tumblr writer, you guys inspire me to write even more for you guys. can you imagine that's it's been a week of writing and i've already gained 100 followers?? i love you guys so much.
warnings: mentions of existing relationship with kelly, cheating
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"thought of calling ya, but you won't pick up. another fortnight lost in america." - taylor swift, 'fortnight'
isn't it ironic that careers can really separate you from what truly made you, you? being a popstar, touring for months on end, surrounding yourself with new people, new opportunities, made it hard for you to reconnect with the people that helped you from day one.
it wasn't like you cut them off, or stopped talking to them. you tried. you really tried, but sometimes life goes on and people forgive and forget. your old life before you started your career was slowly being etched away and replaced with new pieces.
and maybe that was a bad thing.
"on stage in 2 minutes," a voice snapped you out of your trance, you looked up. you looked amazing in your sparkly dress, it was the last leg of your tour and you were touring in europe.
you had been offered to attend a formula one race this weekend after all of your shows had been concluded, you've been thinking about it, but you're not sure you want to go. one of the people from said past was in attendance and you're not sure if you wanted to immerse yourself in that again.
you didn't think about it for long though, you were due for a show and a show was what you're going to give.
it wasn't long until the weekend, friday to be exact and you had accepted the offer of being on the formula one paddock, you knew that a certain ex-boyfriend was going to be there, racing on the track and you were invited personally by him, which was why you were so skeptical to go.
POPSTAR Y/N BREAKS UP WITH F1 DRIVER MAX VERSTAPPEN.
you remembered the headlines, you remembered what you let go of but seeing someone you still loved after your break up almost four years ago stung a little bit.
you couldn't blame him though, you were the one to break things off all those years ago. it wasn't because you had a terrible relationship with him, but it was more because you both didn't have time for eachother and you could see it in his face everytime you came home to monaco after a long show.
"i miss you, when can you finally stay and actually stay awhile?" max's face looked pitiful and you could only look down at your feet, you felt guilty. you wanted this career, he pushed you for this career but sometimes you wished that you could split yourself in two to cater to both his needs and yours.
you look back up at him, locking eyes with his stormy blue eyes, "i don't know maxie, maybe next month? i don't really have a schedule for next month, i can stay in monaco with you for awhile—"
"you said that last month, when are you actually going to be free schatje?"
"max, i can't give you a definite timeline—"
"what's the point of me being in a relationship with you when i can barely see you?"
it hurt to hear those words come out of his mouth.
maybe that's when you finally realized that he deserved someone normal, someone who wasn't a famous singer and could actually spend time and be there for him.
but here you were, amidst the paddock with a singular security guard because you didn't think you needed more than one, considering security around the paddock was tight in of itself.
the red bull's garage had been nice to you, offering you anything you possibly could need while being on a grand prix, you had politely declined any type of special treatment though, wanting to feel like a person for once in your life.
you wouldn't say your job is the hardest in the world, never. doing what you loved while meeting all of your fans was going to be the highlight of your day, but sometimes the job came with crazy fans that would invade your privacy for selfish reasons, and it made you a tiny bit stressed.
you remember starting out from the netherlands, starring in small gigs before getting signed to a mega corporation in america, which was when you moved. you slowly lost contact with your friends, but you were sure they were proud of you although you weren't proud that you lost contact with them.
you knew that if you contacted them that it would be awkward, there was just no way they would even remember you, right?
you were walking about aimlessly around the paddock, it was free practice day which meant that after the allotted time of the free practice, drivers were free to roam around the paddock however they wanted. you were scared on what you had to face today.
you told yourself to just keep calm, take whatever you got this weekend and just react like a sane person.
saturday came and went, you attended the paddock to watch the qualifying session, of course, max came out on top. was it even a surprise to you? you knew he was the best of the best, you never expected less of him, even after all these years.
sunday was here and maybe it was the anxiety, but you felt like throwing up when you saw max approach you.
"y/n, it's good to see you."
god, those eye-smiles. you could never get tired of them.
"hi max, congrats on starting out pole for this weekend," you told him as you shook hands with him, he was all smiles.
it felt good to see him happy.
"how has the paddock been treating you?" max asked, gesturing all around him, "have you tried the food? it's really good."
you nod as you let go of his hand, clasping it with your other hand, a nervous habit, "yeah, the food's good. how have you been? i haven't talked to you in awhile," a nervous laugh bubbled up from your throat, you were nervous to see him, maybe it was those damn butterflies in your stomach that you couldn't get rid of when he looked at you with those blue eyes of his.
"i know, you've been quite busy right?" max laughed at you, he felt silly conversing with his ex-girlfriend like this, like they didn't have a past.
you could only nod and smile back at him, shoulders tense, "yeah, touring's been eventful. it's the last leg of the tour so i decided to come, thank you for the invite by the way, i really appreciate—"
"max, who's this?" a voice came from behind you, quite condescending if you did say so yourself, cutting you off, you turned your head around to see his girlfriend and his girlfriend's child coming into view, walking towards max and wrapping max with her arm as a possessive embrace.
max kissed her cheek, and that hurt. you didn't want to know why, but you knew. he spoke up afterwards, "this is y/n, she's a singer. i wanted her to come because she had a show here, thought the timing was quite convenient for her. y/n, this is my girlfriend, kelly piquet. she's a model."
you extended your hand as a form of hello before introducing yourself, "hello, i'm y/n—"
"yeah, i know who you are," kelly cut you off again, you were quite taken aback by the hostility, your hand left hanging but then again, max was talking to one of his ex-girlfriends. you thought you would react the same way, so you didn't take it too much to heart. her face was something you'd describe as an angry, possessive tiger, brows furrowed, frown on full display.
"i didn't mean to take time away from your boyfriend. i was just having a little chat pre-race," you tried to give her a smile while returning your hand back to your side, but kelly was adamant about standing her ground.
little penelope was looking at you like she had stars in her eyes, you smiled at her. as if it was a sign of whether she should speak up, she starting speaking to you directly, "hi, i really love your songs. do you think you can stay in the red bull garage and we can take pictures together?"
you giggle and bend down to her level and pat her head, "hi little p, of course we can take pictures together— that's if your mother lets me," you acknowledged that this little girl was no ordinary little girl and was your ex-boyfriend's girlfriend's child.
"can we all talk in private please?" kelly excused the three of them away before you could even give her a response but you understood her. standing back up before walking off deeper into the paddock.
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MAX'S POV
"i don't understand why you would invite her!" kelly was pacing around the motorhome, here we were fifteen minutes before race start and here my girlfriend was still yelling over something that happened two hours ago.
"kelly, i just thought it was a good idea. i wanted to invite her because i know p was such a big fan of hers—"
"she's your ex for god's sake, max!" kelly yelled out yet again, "why would i ever approve of her coming to one of your races? let alone be near to p??" her pacing was more feverish now, like she was scared.
i could only sigh, honestly i wasn't too worried about this problem at the moment. the only thing on my mind was the race and only the race.
"look, can we talk about this when i've finished with my race? i really need to focus and you keeping me locked up in here isn't going to help with it," i stood up from my seat, i didn't want to hear anything else come out of her mouth other than a 'okay' and letting me walk out of here.
"don't you think our relationship is at stake here—?"
"if you don't let me go out into the garage, then we're nothing kelly," i say with finality, i wasn't going to let her ruin a race, "i told you, we will solve and talk about this issue later, but you chose to lock me up in here. there will be nothing to salvage if you don't let me do my job."
kelly wordlessly stepped out of the way of the door and let me go, thankfully just with enough time where i could run down and get into the garage, getting me in racing gear.
thankfully the red bull mechanics and officials were understanding enough to let me rush and get inside of my car, getting into the chasis just at the right moment where we would need to drive out.
it was going to be a fine race for me. i knew it. i had enough confidence in myself to know whether i could win a race, and this was one of them.
"and that's p1 max, great race," gp was in my ear, i was proud of myself for winning, but kelly was gnawing the back of my mind. although, the first face i saw when i got out of the car was y/n's.
it felt like my heart stopped beating, i thought i got rid of those stupid butterflies ages ago, but nothing ever beat seeing her smile after i finished a race. she looked so beautiful, so ethereal but i washed those thoughts out of my head.
i had a girlfriend.
i can't run up and hug her because she's my ex. i have a loving relationship in front of me. what was i thinking?
kelly was nowhere to be found in the celebratory pit, i thought that maybe she was still too angry to face me at the moment. it stung a little bit, but she'll get over it. i'm sure.
the night moves on fast, and somehow i found myself still in the garage fixing a few things with the sim, most of the mechanics and staff were long gone. with kelly nowhere to be found. sometimes i felt bad, for still harboring feelings for an ex that left me four years ago.
my relationship with her felt so different with kelly's...
she was like fresh air you would breathe after exiting a club in the middle of the night, the smoke that clouded the air dissipating almost instantly after that fresh air hit your lungs. somehow, even four years later i still find her in little things i do everyday.
against my better judgement, i picked up my phone and i gave her a call.
"hello?"
i breathed out a sigh of relief when i realized she hadn't changed her phone number yet.
"it's me," were the words that left my lips, "you wanna come celebrate with me tonight?" i was picking on my jeans, i didn't want her to say no. i just wanted to spend a little time with her.
"what about your girlfriend? isn't she going to be even more upset with you—"
"can we not talk about her right now?" i closed my eyes and leaned back against the chair i was sitting on, hearing her voice again after a long time just... it felt right.
"max..."
"don't... just don't. i know what you're gonna say and i know it's wrong but i just... i can't do this today. i just won today and the first face i saw was yours, she didn't bother to show up. you can't tell me how to feel, y/n," i rubbed my temples, "meet me in the lobby of my hotel tonight. i just wanna see you."
"if i say okay, will this be a one-time thing?" y/n asked, i could hear the soft rustles of her moving things around, she was probably already in her hotel, resting from her tour when i had called.
"better yet, just drop the address of where you're staying. i'll come to you."
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the first thing max did when he saw you was crash his lips into yours, you wanted to push him away, be the better person and tell him that he has a girlfriend but your arms couldn't do it.
your lips disconnected after awhile, he was breathing heavy, face flushed, hands all over you, "i've missed you."
you hum a response, you could barely get out a response when you feel his lips on yours again, this was wrong. all the alarms in your body were telling you to push him off, to yell at him, to reprimand him for basically cheating on his girlfriend.
but you didn't.
and maybe that made you a bad person, but at the moment you didn't care. you just wanted to feel him once more.
you woke up the next morning, cuddled up against max, both of you bare and indecent. he hadn't left yet, maybe he didn't want to leave.
the reality of last night crashed down onto you as you realized what you've done.
"max?"
"yes, schatje?"
the little nickname he gave you never went away. he used to call you that all the time but the feelings that came with it was no longer endearment but horror.
"you need to get back to your girlfriend, i don't think i can do this," you unwrap yourself from his grasps and sit up, back facing him, tears filling your eyes.
"woah, woah. schatje—"
"please, max. i feel like shit. you have a girlfriend and i just slept with you. last night was a mistake," you breathed out and hugged your knees close to your chest. you felt his hand on your back.
"y/n, what are you saying—" you cut him off before he could say anything else.
"i can't give you what you want max. we can't be together anymore. our story ended four years ago, please don't make this mistake. you're going to regret it," you quickly got up and away from his close proximity and got dressed.
you didn't know how to face him anymore.
"can we please talk about it at least? you can't lie and say that you don't feel the same way i do," max's voice came from behind you, you were pacing around the room, you were stressed. he was sitting there, shirtless with his pants on now.
"i do max! and that's the worst part because i knew you're in a relationship but i still let this happen. i am a horrible person. i love you and it's slowly ruining my life. i should've known better!" you turn around to face him, your face red, tears streaming down your face.
max could only sigh and raked a hand through his hair, "schatje..."
"we can't be together max, you know it. i can never give you what she gives you. she can be with you almost all the time max, you threw that all away for me? for someone who can't give you time of day?!" you sob into your hands.
you felt arms wrapping around you as you sob into his embrace.
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MAX VERSTAPPEN BREAKS UP WITH GIRLFRIEND KELLY PIQUET ONLY AFTER A FEW MONTHS OF BEING TOGETHER.
you scroll past that headline as you got ready for your appearance to promote your new album, it came out two days ago and you were to debut the new songs on jimmy kimmel.
the tortured poets department.
you hadn't talked to max ever since that night, ever since he tenderly kissed your forehead and told you it was going to be okay and that he would figure it out. he had been blowing up your phone, asking to meet but you didn't have it in your heart to meet him after destroying his relationship like that.
that was two months ago.
you were due on stage in around an hour and that's where you would sing your heart out, leaving whatever pieces of your old self behind when you slept with max for the final time.
"i love you, it's ruining my life. i touched you for only a fortnight."
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hello! thank u for reading this fic hehe, hope u guys enjoyed it. thank you again for 100 followers!!!!
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withonly-sweetheart · 25 days ago
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Starry Eyed Singer
You're a scientist, not a singer, but when the newest experiment takes a liking to not only you, but your voice, you might just be the key to finding the rest of them. And although he's stuck behind the confines that keep him away from you, that hide the songs that he knows could have you throwing yourself into the water for him, he won't hurt you. After all, how could he? When you're his starry eyed singer.
a/n: first lets ignore the fact there's only dialogue at the last bit im so tired of this literally its been two whole ass weeks I NEVER GO PAST A DEADLINE IM GONNA TWEAK buuuut i really really like this idea i just think that for a theme, this is short and sweet enough for me! i would definitely want to expand on this as a whole, and i couldn't resist adding a dead dove ending <3 (im a creepy mf ik)
find the bad ending here...
alright now its time for credits
@bunnivievve - this is literally her au. like seriously i took everything from her analysis sheet like i would not be here without you. i salute you fine woman you are the reason i wake up and write siren leon. + thank you sm for ur hc i hope it's fitting to what you were thinking!!! THISSSSS LITERALLY THIS IS WHAT INSPIRED ME SMMM <333
@larvamars - help im sorry for mentioning you but i kinda took the art of leon looming over the scientist in that one piece of urs to heart... yeah... thinkin abt that while writing this really helped <3 so tysm just crediting people where credit is due!!
@sirenhub <- ngl i thought of you while writing this the WHOLE time i was tryna be freaky... get it bc ur name is siren... also the dead dove ending is dedicated to you my love... please drown me to the bottom of the ocean.. <333
@vampiricgf <- KITAA WE'RE TWINNING SO HARD ON THIS ONE... ur au is better than mine i fear but its ok this is a connection i couldn't pass up
(psst. if i didnt mention u in this one artist moots TRUST you're definitely in one of the other three.)
tw: descriptions of loss and grief, reader's mother is dead, luis angst, tiny mention of smut but nun too bad, brother i can't write anything without making it sound like shakespeare and not in a good way...
wc: 7.3k
The pearl of the ocean. He’s watched every wretched person who’s confined him here, with their white coverings and spectacles resting on their too sharp noses, their awkward gait and their irregular size. And not one was interesting enough to keep him intrigued for more than a day.
And then you appeared in his life, a presence uninvited, a treasure undeserving of his touch, not that he would be able to get his fingers on you either way. Your eyes were so lively, restless, sparkling like stars through the clear material that separates you.
If only you could hear him. He was sure just a moment of his voice would be enough to ensure your enrapture, enough to ensnare you like they had caught him off the coast. His colony had warned him enough times of all the dangers the shore brought, yet something brought him back.
You are alike in that sense, hunger consuming you from the inside out, fatal if not for the restraints that were easier for him to hold than you. He can feel your eyes on him as he languidly floats through the somewhat roomy tank they house him in, temporary, of course, but for three months he’s been stuck behind this insufferable, invisible surface that sets the barrier between you both.
A creature of the sea and a creature of the land. He entertains quiet thoughts of you at night, when his dreams should be fitful, longing to be free in the ocean, yet the yearning for you is stronger. He assumes it is mutual, why else would you act the way you do? Enamored, entranced, elated enough to send shoals of fish skittering through his stomach.
But he mistakes fascination for infatuation. 
<><><><>
You cast Luis a sideways glance, a strange haze between you, air infecting what used to come so naturally, seeping into your skin, sealing your lips shut as if your banter was planned and you’re finally speechless.
His fingers flick the lighter lid open, then back, setting a rhythm that should be comfortable enough to make up for your unnatural silence, but it only serves to make things worse. You resist the urge to bristle when he finally speaks.
“You really don’t know why you’re here,” he murmurs, and you would’ve missed it, hidden under the whirring gears vibrating in the ground if not for the fact you’ve been expecting it. 
You scoff. “What do you think?”
“I think that you must’ve done something.” He sighs and leans forward, tense in every aspect except for his mouth, brown butter molding to the cherry of his lips that purse, abandoning the man you knew. “Why leave both of us in here? Alone?”
His tone is suggestive, and you might’ve dismissed it as playful under other circumstances, but you know exactly what he’s doing—making a fool out of you. 
“Tell me,” you insist. Luis leans back, the lamp in the hallway shining through the window, bronzing the copper planes of his face. He links his hands together and rests them palm upward on his forehead, closing his eyes. 
After a few moments of silence, he cracks one of them open, narrowed as soon as he realizes you’re still watching, still waiting for an answer he’s far too reluctant to hand over.
“Impatient, are you?”
“You’re the one who fucked everything up! If you had just listened when I said the radar was, what, three feet off, we could’ve caught it just fine! But no, guess who has to play the hero?” you seethe. You feel your heartbeat thrum under where your fingers lie on your wrist, pulsing like a warning. Back off.
“Are you a senior scientist?” He quirks an eyebrow, challenging you to a fight you’ll surely lose, but when have you ever backed down to him? “I didn’t think as much.”
That pet name irks you enough to spark a retort, one you didn’t even think about before it’s past your lips and hanging in the air between you.
“I’ll rip that badge off your shirt before they get here if you don’t tell me why the fuck we’ve both been stuck in here for three hours!” Your voice is level to an extent, level like you’ve never thought to be calm.
His arms fall down to his knees, elbowing the meat of his thighs, eyes drawn back to you. “Are you always this irritable?” A smirk tugs at the corner of his lips, curving them upward. “Or am I just lucky to be sitting next to a beautiful woman with the temper to match?”
You scowl, unable to summon the grin that you wish would appear in your mind. Seeing that you aren’t as amused at him at his little joke, the smile slips right off his face, and that sullen expression usurps his features.
“They found it,” he admits, albeit quietly, as if he’s afraid someone will hear. “Right after we left.”
“They… did?”
“Mhm,” he confirms, voice low and throaty. His lips part and you lean forward slightly, eager to hear his elaboration. “A new project is underway. Experiment 003. And you’ll be-”
The door swings open, and the white light that bathes you isn’t a good sign. 
<><><><>
You don’t understand the solemn look on Luis’ face. Shouldn’t he be happy for you? You actually got the assignment you had requested, for once, and with what was once thought to be a creature only found in stories. And yet he stands leaning in the doorway to the lab room, gazing at the water.
It’s been two weeks, and not once have you actually seen this supposed creature. You’re starting to think this is all some elaborate joke Luis has crafted to keep your enthusiasm fresh, but he knows that your praise and effort aren’t akin to fruit and vegetables.
“No progress?” he offers weakly, not once making eye contact with you.
“Why don’t you try?” you reply bitterly. It’s been a hot minute since you’ve gotten any quality sleep, and the laboratory’s coffee runs alongside your blood in your veins, which bubbles back up in the raw coffee beans that swirl on your tongue as you await his response.
“Ouch.” Luis pretends to wince, seemingly hurt. “You might hurt my feelings, chiquita.”
“Good.”
“You can insult me all you want,” he says, damn that clever tongue of his, “but you’re pretty cute when you're mad. Makes it hard for me to take you seriously, mi amor.”
“Why are you like this?” you grit out, sweeping the papers off your desk to slam your clipboard down, crisp paper untouched. Can’t take notes on something you’ve never seen.
“Like what?” he asks, tilting his head. “Ever charming?”
“I was thinking something like bipolar,” you groust. “You’re never just one person, are you? What else are you hiding from me?”
He puts his hands up in defense as you stalk towards him, but he waits until you’re a step away to respond. “Hiding? Me? I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he muses.
You tilt your head up just as he tilts his head down, and you lock eyes with him, the searing honey dripping from his eyes to yours, cooling quickly enough to create threads of sweet ice connecting you both.
How it feels to long for something you’ll never have.
Your eyes flit to the band on his ring finger.
<><><><>
The cool glass finds your fingertips, aching from restless typing emails back and forth, persisting that you can handle this one. Your encounter with Luis has left you determined to prove you can do it without him, that you’re perfectly capable of ignoring him in the hallways, in the lunchroom, pretending not to hear him call your name across the lab.
But the blue glow dapples your face as you stare into the mirror on your desk, angled towards the picture of you and Luis, acceptance letters crumpled in your hands with your arms over each other’s shoulders, eyes glazed.
One too many drinks that night led to peppering his face with kisses, sliding those glasses off his face, admiring how pretty he looked all tipsy and breathless underneath you, watching all those cocky retorts disappear under your fingers. 
It’s hard to get over someone you’ll never stop seeing, and you’ve got a better chance of being fired than retiring early. Besides, if you love your job, you’ll suffer through anything to keep it, right? Even if that means forcing smiles at his open face.
With no one to console you, a locked door and curtains dressing the windows, you let the tears flow freely, wishing that the water only a few inches away would somehow absorb the tears, make you seem stronger than you really are. Somber music tinkles away to an end in the background, leaving you in obsolete silence that seems to swallow you whole.
A tap on the glass. Suspended motionless just beyond the barrier, electric blue undertones of his skin mesmerizing, highlighting elegant fins and swirling markings. Deep azure pools that lock onto yours, hair framing his face like a snapshot in time.
"Holy shit, shit, shit!" you blurt out loud before you can help it. Your pulse races to life, drinking in every feature you can, drawing an image that will never be up to scale; whoever can put his flowing, inky locks to delicate fins that frame his lithe, powerful frame into words should be standing in your place, because you sure can’t.
You swivel around, hyping yourself up even more at the fact that you’re the first scientist in the building to see him with your own eyes, fingers curled around your clipboard as you shuffle back.
But you’ve dotted your name and scribbled down the date only to jerk your eyes back to the empty space, as if he was never there. Only one piece of evidence remains, and even that flutters down to the depths you cannot see.
An iridescent scale.
<><><><>
Your voice is croaky from even more lack of sleep, hours of waiting by the glass in vain; the frog in your throat leaps out to greet Luis when he saunters over, leaning on his elbow that rests on the table, eyes darting from side to side to confirm what he already knows from ten minutes of absconded silence - you’re alone in the breakroom.
“Well?” he urges, eyes slicing down to check his watch. “Make it quick, mi amor. I’ve got a meeting in ten minutes.”
My love. How ironic that he still calls you that, it must slip from his mind on days like this. “Isn’t today your rest day-”
“Well?” he repeats, more urgently this time. And under his persistence, you’re less sure of your theory than before.
Your teeth pierce the chapped skin of your bottom lip, cracking it open, savoring the iron tang of blood that flows freely, even though you know it’ll come back to bite you in the ass later. The sting calms you.
“Experiment 003,” you begin, digging your fingernails into your palm for a split second before forcing your wavering hand to push the files towards him. “The mermaid-”
“Merman,” he corrects quickly, before his eyes go slightly wider than before and raises his hands in defense, again, as if his open palms will stop the silent words of hurt that batter his skin from your eyes.
“Merman,” you repeat, continuing, “isn’t really a merman.” 
“What?” Luis’ eyebrows fly up and he claws at the folder, flipping through the papers before staring back up at you in disbelief. “You have no evidence to support this!”
“But I saw him,” you insist, admitting what you had told yourself you weren’t going to reveal to him. How is it that his face still gets your tongue tied in your mouth, coaxing secrets without him even knowing? “And… it displays none of the traits found in the fisherman’s tales.”
“They’re all old men,” he says dismissively, and his nonchalance, once again, only serves to irk you and fuel your need to prove him wrong. “So what if they couldn’t see right?”
“But—”
“No buts,” he says with a tone of finality, and it doesn’t occur to you to speak back this time. The point’s been lost in your first plea, and the honey bees descend from his tongue to spike you everywhere, scorn you for trying to doubt him. “Just get back to work, and don’t bother me anymore, señorita. I have work to do.”
You’ve never been dismissed by him before, so when he sinks into his hands, rubbing circles into your eyes, you don’t move a muscle, wondering if there will be any further instruction.
But he lifts his chin, so slowly that his gaze sears everywhere that it touches until that flame gets put out by the bucket of boiling water bubbling to life in his eyes. That dull demeanor lying over irritation lies bare on his face, soaking through like wet newspaper, ink unintelligible but meaning clear. 
Get out.
<><><><>
It’s hard to find something more consistent than the steady lapping of water, kissing the top of the glass where it connects with your ceiling. You stare into the abyss, willing the creature to appear from its depths, but where the flowing water meets your demands, the being does not.
Your thoughts begin to wander. How exactly had you called it— no, him?
“The subject is male,” you hear Luis’ voice ring in your ear, as if a ghost of a person still standing with you, a shadow of what you hoped could be true. That day, there was no sound in the room except for the steady current of your tears washing your cheeks for the umpteenth time that week.
It’s probably not that. After all, it would take a creature with keen ears and a sharper mind to hear not only through the glass, but to recognize the pain that even the person who causes it cannot identify. But you’re desperate.
So you conjure up the strongest memory you have, one that surpasses all levels of guilt and anger and pain to the highest level of sorrow you’ve ever felt. The night your mother died.
Your eyes stay glued to the simple white cloth adorning her body, cupping her gently like the beings from above have descended to hold her in their heavenly hands, the idea that if you keep your gaze away from her, she’ll long for it once more and return to you.
But as much as you know she loves you, she remains still. And when you drag your reluctant eyes to grace her pale, limp hands, rubbing some warmth into her spindly fingers, fingers that fed you and dressed you. Arms that hugged you when you finished elementary school, kept your grades up with a raise that was never a promise, only an empty threat.
And the eyes that sparkled like yours, now dead. How similar you look to her, even now, hollow cheeks and irises that lose their cheer, wilting flowers like your dress that billows in the wind as you stand with your feet in the sea, grounding yourself against the waves that threaten to pull you away.
Why couldn’t you stay? Why did she abandon you in a cruel, motherless world that you know is common yet feels like a situation that will only ever apply to your pitiful self? Why does nothing last, if only for a fleeting moment in which you light her pyre and watch the flames engulf her until she’s nothing but a pile of ashes.
Before the wind can steal her away with its greedy fingers, you sweep her into a vase.
And that vase will stay in the second wooden shelf, the sturdiest one right above your desk, two inches away from the ledge, pressed against the chipped paint of your wall. You will never let her go. She will always be with you; in one way or another.
You’ll make sure of that.
Guilt isn’t the right word. There is no word to describe the torrents of how disgusted you are at yourself, and if there is, there shouldn’t be. You’ve confined your mother to these lands instead of accepting the peace she deserves.
And suddenly, observing the creature doesn’t seem as important as before. There are more pressing issues at hand, issues that might have something to do with your current lack of luck, as of late.
What you miss as you scamper around the room is the eyes that watch you from the darkness, sharp enough to crackle fire that would burn this whole place to the ground if he wished, but he waits. 
In silence as you hastily grab your bag from the coat rack, abandoning your jacket. He knows you’ll be back from this one action and relaxes his tense body.
As long as you come back.
<><><><>
Aquamarine darkness envelops the far side of the room, if the building you’re in even resembles a room. It must end somewhere, especially since the peacock lights flash back in a rhythmic pattern, always circling back to where you’re planted.
Rooted to the peaty soil that squelches around your rain boots that were required before stepping into… wherever your current location was. Of course, the admin team is never happy with what they have, and apparently one subject to prod and poke wasn’t enough.
So you’re sent in here, to gain more information, the rookie’s always the guinea pig for anything, right? To find the rest of them, if there are any. You’re doubting this idea as a whole theory itself, because what if he’s one of a kind? Special.
But that something gets closer and closer to you. Your eyes have become accustomed to the darkness, adapting to the shapes that spark your vivid imagination, the murky water swirling everywhere the inky mass touches. 
Eight feet and four inches is intimidating enough to scan behind the safety of your reinforced glass walls, bulletproof and all, and you’re not reassured by the idea that although you shouldn’t be scared, you are.
Only once have you seen him through the water, and that was enough to spark your interest. The flame of curiosity burns falsely in your stomach, washed out by the waves of fear. You feel like nothing but a small fish at his intense gaze, a gaze that frightens you, and it must show on your expression.
Within a matter of seconds he backs away, perhaps sensing your discomfort, and you realize that your initial hypothesis must’ve been correct; he can feel others' emotions. You wonder how this works for a creature that cannot communicate, at least not with you.
Something flashes through his eyes, storm clouds and thunder alike, and a low hiss pushes its way through his canine teeth, an attribute you hadn’t noticed until the sound hits your ears.
It is strange, the look on his face, with his hair moist and clinging to his neck as he bobs further away, weaving between the speckles of moss that float from your little island to him, gifts or warnings, you don’t know.
He takes them as warnings, it seems, with his tense, hostile expression that seems to appear from thin air, staring at you tersely, somewhat like a dolphin or a seal at the aquarium before dipping back into the water without a sound, silence filling the area where he was.
And although you’re perfectly aware that your fear has not yet subsided from crashing against your lungs, you admit to yourself that now that he’s gone, you miss the thrill.
Who would’ve thought you’d become so daring, hm?
<><><><>
But wait, it gets worse. You had assumed this was a one time thing, a test run with a temporary guinea pig that happened to be the rookie of the lab, and although you weren’t too happy with the arrangement, you were perfectly content with the idea of admiring him from a distance, especially after such a close encounter.
Yet no one gives you a heads up or a warning before you’re shoved into the same room again, fear licking at your spine as those flashing lights proceed further through the water. And after a while, the initial horror bypasses your system and you grow used to the thick silence hanging in the air, mingling with the musty scent of swamp water.
You don’t know what they’ve fed him this week. Maybe they forgot to clean his tank. Whoever’s in charge of his wellbeing obviously fucked up the one time you take a break to visit friends touring the city, because when you return, rested and fresh, ready to succeed, something’s wrong
You’ve never noticed it before, but there are scales scattered on his neck, a light blue color, tile shaped as if a button longing to be pressed. Those are the northern lights transferred from the sky to the sea, plastered onto him, hanging loosely so his gills can pulse. Open, shut, as you inhale sharply and exhale swiftly.
They light up in assortments of azure, carribean shades of the murky water, yet so much more vibrant. And as if the thrill wasn’t enough to make its fingers around your neck and restrict your breath, holding your silence as if the air would scare him away, he starts to sing.
Vertigo overwhelms your senses the moment his euphonic voice escapes from those lips, marinated on his tongue, deep and resonant. A dizzying feeling that causes you to stumble to your knees, red dots sparkling all along your vision.
And through the haze, you swear you can see him smirk, the corner of his lip twisting upward, as if this was the intended effect, like you’re supposed to feel as if you’re about to throw up and dance and cry and jump for joy, all at once.
Guess what else you were right about?
He’s no merman.
You forget the word, the term to describe the hooks cast into the sea to lure unsuspecting victims, hooks that are merely sweet, velvety tones that are all hollow truths, a desire to be craved and a hunger that can never be satiated.
A warning to be reckoned, to be heard, to be feared.
A siren.
<><><><>
“What the actual fuck?” You restrain your voice to keep yourself from screeching, which you know you would do if you were alone, which you never truly are with the walls that hear everything, along with throwing yourself at him and wrestling him to the floor. 
“You said it yourself, he’s a siren! And you could’ve just died!” Luis’ hands are twisted his hair, madly clutching at their roots, and his concern for you is so profoundly surprising it sparks a laugh from you.
“I was fine, thanks,” you snap back, drumming your fingers on the table as you stare directly at his face, a face that seems crazy to love now. So many times you wonder what could’ve been, and now you’re wasting time sitting here with this fool.
“You. Could’ve. Died.” Luis accentuates each word with the ending sound as a growl, as if his voice will instill some sense of security in you, but you find yourself getting burning as he continues, “How could you even think about doing something so stupid?”
“Me?” Your voice has found a perch high in your vocal range, and it won’t come down. “Whose idea was this in the first place?” You scan his face for any hint of remorse, but there is none, and nothing in his expression offers an answer.
“Mi amor-”
“Stop fucking calling me that! You don’t get to say that like- like we still have something! Do you even know what love is?” Luis’ eyes go stony, a boulder pushed up the wrong side of the hill, and you’re not strong enough to keep it up. 
And it all comes crashing down.
“Love?” A dry chuckle erupts from his mouth, expression conforming to both disbelief and pity, both uncalled for and unwanted. “Excuse me? Of course I know what love is, but it’s a little hard to love someone that’s constantly putting themselves in danger!”
His accent is sinking further and further into his words with his newfound irritation, irritation aimed at you for no apparent reason. Maybe something’s going on at home, but does that give him the authority to take it out on you? Hell no.
You stand, far too loudly, and everyone watches you get ready to make your exit without another word, because what are you meant to say to something like that? Are you so unrecognizable, within less than half a year? How easy is it to leave your old self behind?
The one that clung to him. Is that his problem?
You brush past his chair on the way out, and out of the corner of your narrowed eyes, you watch him twist the band on his finger, flicking his fingers back and forth, an absent habit he’s had since your sorority years.
But before you can pass him completely, he glances behind him and rolls his chair back, maneuvering it to avoid your feet. You’re about to tell him to fuck off when he draws his eyes back up, lingering on your lips, and you know what he’s thinking.
“Wait,” he says quietly, voice soft and barely audible, but he’s stopped rolling his chair back to tilt his head up towards you.
“What?” you snap, at first unknowingly but strangely reveling in the way he flinches at your harshness, flitting back to the day he had dismissed your concerns so flagrantly. You justify your actions by determining that he deserves it. His eyes darken again as a frown puckers his lips and the space between his eyebrows. 
“Don’t… just… don’t leave, please…” he stutters, his usual confidence nowhere to be found, struggling with the words before speaking again. “Can we… talk?”
“No, because there’s nothing to talk about. Besides, I have work to do.”
He lets out a small sigh at your response, to the reference of that event, irritation fluctuating in his tone. “Work? You’ve been working for four months, and you’ve found absolutely nothing.” And so the truth slips out, whether branching from his will or against it. This is how he really feels, huh?
"You don't get to tell me that." you mutter. "I'm the one documenting him, not you. You sit in your little room behind the glass, perfectly safe, and not once have you thought about swapping our roles. You don't love me, and I honestly have no idea why you even bother to lie to me about it."
Luis grits his teeth, his irritation and anger clear in his eyes, those eyes that were once pools of admiration sinking into the depths of everything you thought was between you. "What are you talking about? That's not true, I... of course I love you!" Then he rises from his chair, taking a step towards you, as if you’d allowed that.
You step back, pressing against the door. Your fingers creep behind your back to the handle and his eyes flicker to them, to the hand that’s grasping it so tightly it goes whiter than his face as he retreats to the table, pale with horror.
“I wouldn’t… ever hurt you,” he murmurs.
“Then why did you marry her?” you ask, voice soft. It’s a question you’ve been tossing in your mind, a simple game of catch that started grabbing rules from all sorts of games, pickleball and why he chose her, badminton and how you could’ve done better, volleyball in the victory in which his wife revels, and in which you wallow, losing yet another thing you loved.
“Because you said it was temporary!” he grumbles, sliding his teeth over his bottom lip, refusing to make the very same eye contact he was practically begging for an hour ago, in this very meeting room where you would stare at your department head as she provided strict instructions, catching Luis’ fleeting glances at your side profile.
“Isn’t that all we ever were?” you whisper. “Temporary?”
The air shatters between you. Finally, the unspoken truth that you both have carried for so long in your hearts is out, and it feels like a burden has been lifted off your shoulders. You can see it in his expression, however horrified, there’s some form of acceptance. He’s known this for as long as you have.
“What… happened to you? To us?” he asks quietly, looking at you like you’re a stranger, fractured parts of you discarded behind you like a broken mirror, one and the same but reflecting another person.
The door clicks open, squeaking as it swings to show you away, to the exit, finally leaving behind what you thought you could never let go of. But you pause before you leave, entertaining his question. When you have your answer, you don’t hesitate to deliver it.
“Sometimes you lose people. And there’s nothing you can do about it.” 
<><><><>
As the rerun comes through, cracked on the cheap speaker, fading quickly, you waltz around your room, feeling serene enough in the moment, losing yourself to the melody. How many hours have you wasted soaring through the skies in your office, only to plummet back down like a shot bird when you acknowledge the stack of papers spawning on your desk?
But when the hard day’s stresses melt away to the sway of your hips and your however offkey voice, no one is there to judge you. Luis isn’t chastising you about anything, and it’s good enough for you.
When the chorus swells, you open your mouth and belt out the lyrics, hoping the grainy walls can contain your voice, but the volume seems obnoxious, even for you. That’s when you notice the shadow on the floor towering over you, and you spin around.
Your eyes are glued to his mouth, to the words that are achingly pure and smooth, somehow heard through the glass. Illuminated by the tank lights, ethereal tones blending perfectly with the recording, enhancing it in a way you’d never heard. 
Raw emotion, the longing in his voice, however foreign to you, the curve of his accent, words you’ve never heard. All so new to you, chills racing down your spine, tickling at your back.
And when the song crests, his unearthly high notes soar with a beauty strong enough to bring tears, tears that you have to hold back in case someone were to walk in. When he seals his mouth with a smile—a private, intimate thing that feels like it belongs to you, you’re sufficiently spellbound, the world ceasing to exist.
His eyes flash in the water, flitting behind you, to the rattling of your door, and only after you’ve twisted over your shoulder to verify there’s no one there does he choose to make his exit. You see the corner of his tail flick, you hope in temporary goodbye, before you close your eyes and replay his voice in your head.
Over, and over, and over again, until all you can think about is him. How wonderful would it be if he was real, hm? You see him as an illusion now, you suppose, because how do you ever know something is truly real before you can feel it under your fingertips?
And when the voice is gone, fading from your mind into the echoes of your room, vibrations clamoring to bury the sweet sound that you long for now that it’s not with you anymore, you realize there is something you’ve been doing wrong.
Something that you must fix right away. Someone you’ve kept for far too long, yet another person you’ve lost and tried to bring back.
Your mother.
<><><><>
The ocean is trying to draw you in again, rhythmic waves pooling at your feet, urging you to come sleep in its embrace, take an everlasting nap to the lullaby of the water. But you’re not so easily fooled. You remember all you’ve lost, all you’ve regained, and how you’ve been forced to let everything go.
Not for your gain, but for theirs. You suppose scientific curiosity was not what you were chasing this entire time. Your resignation letters were turned in promptly, along with an anonymous report to the people you knew you could trust to shut down what is undoubtedly an illegal operation.
Will Luis be caught in the crossfire? You’re sure of it, and although you’ll never stop caring for the man you first loved, only shreds of compassion remind, and even those shreds are not enough to bail him out. 
You are far more concerned for the experiment, hope that he survives. If there’s anything you’ve learned during your time at the laboratory, it’s that no matter what branch of government, no one is merciful to anything different.
So you call upon all the gods watching, if there are any, and pray to them for forgiveness. Plead to them for mercy, and spin the lid off the vase that you’ve seen so many times, staring at it absentmindedly while studying, unable to understand a concept without your mother to explain it.
But like with all things and people, you’ve learned to live without her. And you’ve kept her spirit with you for far too long, haunting you in dreams, dreams she shouts your name in, screaming for peace. 
You break those shackles with a gentle toss, keeping the vase cradled in your arms as the ashes pour out into the water. Taking a step back to avoid any sticking with you, you dig your feet back into the dry sand, watching the dark particles disappear into the clear water.
She is free. Your mother is finally free.
A high pitched call returns your initial sob, and you swipe at your face, bleary eyed and trying to get a good look at what it could’ve been. The assumption it could be a dolphin has you reaching behind you for your bag, shuffling through its contents, pictures of you and your mother. You will not abandon those, for memories are precious, you know this well.
But when you bring your eyes back to the sea, you see a humanoid figure in the distance, raising their hand in greeting to you. Tawny hair that reflects the descending sun, a simple white shirt, gloriously unbuttoned, and khaki beige shorts.
You do not recognize him, and so out of fear, you retreat further and further into your backyard, all thoughts of admiring the sunset gone, as the man approaches. You reach for your stuff as you stumble backwards, never taking your eyes off of him and this plays in your favor.
Everything about him is so different, so foreign to you, and when he speaks, his voice is raspy, and you feel like a tourist all over again, in a city where you don’t belong. You don’t deserve this, to be standing here.
You lost him, right? But you could never mistake those eyes.
And now he’s human. There are no scales, no gills, no affront to his identity, one and the same as you, and yet he feels so different. You recognize his eyes, they haven’t changed from their cerulean blue, orbs crafted from the sea itself, forged by Poseidon’s hand, a statue in the hands of the gods, but so much is missing.
The raven feathers of his hair that would’ve looked stunning in the night, now out of place and far too vibrant against the mellow shades slowly darkening, becoming more somber. 
Twinkling lights strung in the space where the muscle stretches as he twists behind him, as if checking the sea, now gone dim and dissolved into the pale, unsullied skin of his neck.
You suppose you should be happy his voice hasn’t changed. With just one word, he lulls you back to him, and you can’t remember thinking of the differences between the experiment you had so vigorously studied and the man standing in front of you, not to be studied, but to be loved.
“Hi.” He reaches up, ruffles the back of his head, as if that will rattle out all the words spinning around in his mind, mirroring your own turmoiled thoughts. 
“Hi.” You mimic his actions, running sharp nails against the side of your scalp, failing to push stray strands away from your face. Through your hair, you peer at him, the sun long gone behind him, and parts of him are hidden again, like you’re hiding pieces of him from your conscious mind, fearing losing him again.
Most mystifying of all was how right it feels to have him standing right in front of you, finally equal, aside from the few inches that he has on you. Those depths of ocean blue lingering in his eyes grounds you, realizing how many times you’ve looked into those same eyes, wondering exactly what he’s thinking of.
Now you can know. And you’re not about to pass up the opportunity and let fear engulf you like you’ve let it usurp your mind so many times before.
"It's still you in there, isn't it?" you ask softly.
He smiles, and your heart skips at the familiar gesture, a smile you’ve unsurprisingly missed. "It is. I wanted to see you again."
"But how? How’d you… do this? And why come back?" You step closer, drinking in each subtle nuance of his new appearance. It’s appropriate for him, nothing too flashy, blending into the background. Aside from that halo of blond hair pressed to his forehead, slick with salt water.
“You freed me,” he says quietly, eyes searching your body, as if he’s trying to ingrain an image of you into his head. You did the same, not too long ago. But there was a need for it then, and no need for it now.
Reaching out tentatively, you trace the contour of his neck, half expecting to feel residual traces of his missing bioluminescence. Only warm skin meets your fingers, and a low sigh from his lips, and now that he’s here, under your touch, you know that he’s real. Not just for your sanity, but in reality, as well.
“You don’t owe me anything,” you say, just to clarify, because you assume the last thing you need is to owe a mythical sea creature. “We’ll call it even since you didn’t eat me.” He barks a soft laugh, a seal-like sound, before lacing your fingers with his onto his cheek, pressing your hand further into his skin.
 "I changed so I could be with you without barriers. So we could truly understand one another." He gazes meaningfully into your eyes. "If you'll have me."
“I don’t even know your name,” you say, breathless, because haven’t you expected all of your loved ones to come back to you just like this, before inevitably accepting it’ll never happen? And now it is.
“My name?” That goddamn smirk, whether he is able to communicate or not, whether he’s human or not, tells you all you need to.
“Hm?”
“Leon.”
“Leon,” you test out, rolling the name on your tongue, causing him to scrunch up his nose.
“What? You do not like it?”
“No, no,” you say, with a chuckle. “It suits you.”
His expression relaxes, frown vanishing as he pulls you closer, leaning forward to rest his chin on your shoulder as he takes your other hand. A familiar tune thrums through your ear, reaching your brain at supersonic speeds, cruising into your blood. The first song he ever sang for you, and now both the memory and his voice seem so far away compared to this moment.
A single moment. Suspended in time, lovers finally reunited, pair after pair failing like incorrect puzzle pieces until now, you’ve found the one. 
And this time, you’re never letting go.
<><><><>
The stars arrange themselves in Leon’s eyes, constellations spelling out a story as you gaze down at him wholeheartedly, loving him with all your spirit and throwing caution to the wind. 
His gaze flickers from time to time, like if he truly blinks, you’ll be gone with the night breeze, a stray leaf on the sand, misplaced. 
“Did you like being a siren?” Leon’s eyes squeeze shut, head shifting on where it lies in your lap, hand creeping onto your knee.
“It’s all I’ve ever known,” he says timidly. “But you showed me more. I didn’t want to hurt people anymore after seeing you.”
“Me?” Your laugh is soft, melodious to his ears, and it soothes a little bit of the ache that has been forming since the day you arrived at the laboratory. “How’d you even find me?”
“Your mother,” he replies, voice soft. “I sensed her, and with her came you. And somehow, my father obliged in my wishes to… abandon my colony.”
“Abandon?” You quirk an eyebrow in concern.
“I can never return,” he says, but his tone is light and airy, unconvincingly so. “But I found that I would give the sea, my family, for you, even if it’s all I’ve ever known. There is nothing left for me there.”
“But you shouldn’t have,” you whisper back. “Give up all that, for me? You could’ve just visited once in a while… I wouldn’t have minded.”
“And yet I would find myself longing for your touch, even on the days that all seemed well, the ocean’s beauty is but a teardrop in comparison to yours.” Ever the charmer.
“You don’t… regret it?” Leon shakes his head.
“How could I? What part of my life would I regret if I gave something up to spending even a fraction of it with you? All those days, from the sun rising to the moon rising, and you were right there, even if you weren’t under my fingers.”
“You were beautiful,” you admit. “But…”
“And I suppose all along,” he continues, “I was truly just bait for my colony. It is better that I have left them, better to leave them safe where they are happy. Where I am now happy, with you, with your beautiful face and pretty voice.”
“Pretty voice?” You flush, hoping you can mask it as an abnormal overheating technique. He doesn’t seem to notice. “Really?”
“You always look so lovely when you sing,” he muses. “Sing a song for me, please?”
You don’t know what brings you to actually do it. Is it the warmth of his hair splayed out on your thighs, or his eager expression as his eyes drag upward, flitting to your lips. You hum a tune and instantly feel at ease, perhaps you should’ve pursued a life of music.
Music. It doesn’t sound as absurd as it did throughout high school and college, when you scorned the same people who have now grown famous for their voices. You saw them as lazy, when you should’ve seen them as talented.
You hold out a note, gazing towards the sea, wondering if your mother is watching you right at this moment. You wonder if she would be content with everything you’ve done in your life, if she’s forgiven you enough to let you have this peace. The peace you once denied her.
Leon’s approval comes in a hum of his own, snapping you out of your thoughts. His hand reaches upward, trailing your cheek before he tilts his head up and you lean forward and kiss him, and the seconds rush by far too quickly before he pulls away, lips already quite red, and the corner of his mouth ticks upward, exposing the pearl white of his grin.
“Just as perfect as the last time,” he murmurs, “my starry eyed singer.”
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antiadvil · 2 months ago
Text
early tit shows request
I already posted this in the community tab but wanted to make a separate post so it can be shared more widely.
TLDR I’m very photosensitive and have tit tickets for November 3rd in Chicago. I would like to compile a list of the flash effects in the show and when they are before I go, so I can know when to look away. If anyone else would find this useful, I can share the list publicly. I'll put the rest under a cut because it's very long and I want any discussion via reblog chain to be legible:
why i need help:
As some of you may know because I bitch about constantly, I have chronic migraine, and one of my symptoms is photophobia that ranges from moderate to severe Literally All Of The Time. On a good day I’m able to hang out in a dim room wearing my tinted glasses and experience no light related pain but even on my best migraine days I still find very bright, flashing, or flickering lights to be very painful to look at or generally exist around. I bought a tit ticket fully knowing there would likely be flash effects in it because WAD did, many of their videos do, ii and tatinof probably did, I don’t remember, and literally every stage production I have been to in the past year did, except for an orchestra, if that counts as a stage production 😂. I literally would not be able to leave my apartment if I avoided everything that triggers my photophobia considering the Literal Sun is one of the biggest offenders so I am really not looking for people to tell me to just not go or whatever. Obviously I hope that my migraine resolves by the time my show comes around (like at least breaking down into individual episodes instead of one incredibly long migraine would be nice), and it’s possible it will, since I haven’t actually gotten to try the most promising treatments yet bc insurance bullshit, but I expect to still be dealing with this two months from now.
how you can help:
So, it would be really helpful if anyone was able to tell me about the flash effects in the show before I go. Ideally, I would like to know how many there are, how extreme they are, how long they last, and MOST ideally, approximately when in the show they happen so I can cover my eyes and look away beforehand (I’m thinking, like, “after they do abc they flash the lights,” not timestamps, since I think that would be much easier for everyone involved to remember. I know this will probably involve spoilers, I don’t mind, I’m currently planning to look at spoilers for the show). I know this is not something people with normal eyes/brains/optic nerves normally remember after shows (even my closest friends who are genuinely trying have failed to warn me about flash effects before) but I am hoping through the power of crowdsourcing i can put together a semi-complete guide to When To Look Away At Tit For Photophobic people. I can share that doc if there’s any interest in it and anyone who is able to “test drive” the document before my show would be very helpful. I’m also willing to keep making changes to the document after my show, if that’s something people would find helpful. If it is though I would really appreciate hearing from you- even if it's just an anon or something, because I'm not going to do extra work if I don't think it will reach anyone who needs it. I'm sure I'm not the only person who's planning to go to tit and just suffer through any flash effects, but I don't know if this post/the document I make will reach any of them (does anyone know if there's an accessibility/disability community on phan twitter??). My tentative plan is to share the document regardless, since it doesn't take much extra work from me, but if this is something that would benefit you please reach out so we can make sure it benefits you too.
a hopefully helpful guide to flash effects:
Another challenge is, quite frankly, most people are very bad at even noticing flash effects if they’re not photosensitive. I get it, as a newly photosensitive person I was genuinely confused about why I left across the spiderverse with such a bad headache, because nothing in it looked like a “flash effect” to me. Some things that have triggered my photophobia before that people may not think of as “flash” effects include: the snow effect in stardew valley, candles (flames in general create a very flickery light), glitch/static editing effects, the sort of stuttery/laggy way video games look when your graphics card is bad, and video that flips through photographs/backgrounds very quickly (this is worse the more different the colors/etc in the photos/backgrounds are from each other but even if it’s done in a more stopmotion kind of way it still bugs me at low FPS. It’s like the video game thing, I’m not sure if there’s an actual word for that). Another thing that commonly bothers people (personally it doesn’t hurt much though it can make me a bit motion sick) is sort of swirly “hypnotizing” gifs.
From the set photos, I think any flash effects would most likely come from the light/rope/wire things, those just look perfect for some kind of sparking/lightning effect which I imagine would be very obvious and easy to spot. The video screens could probably also be a problem but if they’re all at standard screen brightness, unless they all start being flashy at the same time, they’re a much smaller portion of the audience’s field of vision so I don’t think they would be as problematic (though I would still like to know about them!). My worst fear is that they’re playing something really staticky for the entire show, though I hope that at my distance from the stage, the static would be small enough to just kind of blend into gray and not bother me much.
in conclusion:
Yes, this could all be solved if people stopped putting so many fucking flash effects in their shows. I am begging for the entire world to realize that nine times out of ten they are Completely Not Worth It and just putting a “some flash effects may not be suitable for photosensitive viewers!!!” warning on every piece of media ever created does not make their media accessible (hey Netflix! Wanna give me a timestamp to skip or am I just expected to never watch Stranger Things?). But here we are.
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stylespresleyhearted · 1 month ago
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CCG — NEW BEGINNINGS
masterlist can be found here
note: @blainesebastian only has herself to blame for allowing me to spiral in the dm’s. dad! austin blurb all the way at the bottom based on ccg universe hope you don’t mind mccall. 😭🥹🫶🏻
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hollywoodreporter Divorce rumors continue to swirl as Austin Butler is spotted catching a Broadway play with younger actress Kaia Gerber.
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butlerfam This means nothing. He is allowed to have female friends.
fan13 I’m scared but it might be true even @jillian.mua unfollowed him
butlerfam She unfollowed everyone who didn’t follow her back not just him.
hater101 i always knew she wasn’t the one for him lmaooo good for you austin! kaia is way prettier!
ccgupdates We don’t know anything and we should focus on being respectful, for their sake and especially Luci’s.
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people Austin Butler and @coffeegirl spotted running errands in Los Angeles separately. Despite them being in the same city no photos of the two of them have been captured and divorce rumors continue building. This marks the first time she is spotted publicly in two months. Their reps refused to comment.
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fan23 cmon @people be better than this. i expect this shit from dailymail but not ya’ll
user12 PSA: husbands and wives DO NOT have to do everything together.
hater101 okay but he had a date w a model ten years his junior who is way prettier lol they’re so over
fan12 Starting to believe it’s true because why wouldn’t they just deny the rumors?
fan13 she looks like she’s crying
fan24 yeah looks like it might be true … i’ll never forgive austin if it is she’s perfect for him and that means he left his family for a nepo baby
hater2 Finally I was tired of her using him for fame he is going to be so much better off with Kaia she actually is on his level
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liked by ashleybee, coffeegirl, and 98267 others
austinbutler ✈️
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ashleybee Favorite girl always ❤️‍🔥
fan23 does this mean he got custody
fan13 THEY AREN’T DIVORCED 🙄
user11 lmao ok that’s why he’s all over kaia gerber and if they were still together he would have posted @coffeegirl too but he didn’t and he liked kaia’s recent ig post
fan13 yeah bc they’re friends thats it
user11 they were spotted hanging out alone again on deuxmoi’s sunday spotted
hater101 @coffeegirl he left you so now all you can do is like his posts 🤣
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tmz BREAKING NEWS: @coffeegirl spotted with mystery man in New York City confirming divorce rumors with Austin Butler.
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hater101 lmaooo what a slut
butlerfam You’re ridiculous. You praise Austin for being seen with a model and bring her down for being seen with a friend.
user13 that doesn’t look like a friendly touch
fan43 I’m so disappointed. No photo of her for three months and when we finally do get one she’s with another man.
ccgupdates She’s been hiding from the public, she’s obviously going through something. And that’s a co-worker, Ronald, he’s worked with her on multiple projects.
user41 isn’t that guy ronald someone austin hates bc he’s always overly friendly w her??? and she allows this ???
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austinupdates At tonight’s screening Austin talked about how his daughter Luci changed his life positively in every way possible. He didn’t mention his wife.
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ccgupdates That last sentence is so unnecessary.
fan13 he usually always thanks her though
butlerfamily In the past seven months she’s only been seen publicly twice. It’s obvious she doesn’t want attention right now for some reason and maybe he’s respecting that.
fan13 what could possibly be the reason? why the 360 all of a sudden?
hater101 he left her and she can’t accept that
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dailymail After a decade together it seems Austin and his wife have divorced. He is seen solo with their daughter, Luci, once again. It has been nine months since the couple have been photographed together and @coffeegirl has chosen to deal with it privately, according to sources as she has only been seen publicly twice this past year.
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fan14 I refuse to believe it until it comes directly from them.
ccgupdates That is not confirmation.
hater101 all these weirdos in denial still GTFO IT
user12 I am so heartbroken. I thought they were forever.
austinupdates All we can do now is respect their privacy and support them. I’m sure Luci remains their top priority.
jillian.mua You lot are ridiculous.
coffeegirl and austinbutler posted
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austinbutler and coffeegirl I took some time for myself to ensure the safe arrival of our baby boy. Our family has never been happier than now for the next chapter in our lives.
I understand this can be hard for some to process. Sending you all love.
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ccgfan OH MY GOD IM SO HAPPY ??!! 🥹🥹❤️❤️ CONGRATS !
jillian.mua I beg you guys to never stop collaborating 🫶🏻
ashleytisdale LOL YES! Love you guys!
ashleybee Having you in Arizona while you were growing the little bean was magical. We miss you already. I love you guys, thank you for making me an auntie again. I’m proud of you, Austin, and I see Mom in those little angels. 🪽 
austinbutler I love you Ash ❤️
coffeegirl All your love and support was essential, thank you. Luci and baby boy are begging to call tonight.
tomhardy Congratulations 🎉❤️
florencepugh Going to do another movie with you for some more baby time 👀💗
jodiecomer Fuck yes, so much love ❣️
pollybennett So happy for your family! Real ones always knew the thought of you divorcing was absurd 😉
~ comment liked by austinbutler and 17891 others 
butlerfamily I knew it was all bullshit. Their love is true. They’ve stated they only wanted one child previously so I wonder if this was a surprise or plan, but whatever it was, I’m so happy for their family.
coffeegirl Surprise LOL 😂🫶🏻 but we appreciate the constant support from your page. We see your love ❤️
blainesebastian HAHA take that haters!!
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She lays her feet on his lap, head thrown back in exhaustion and finally content to have some relief. She’d been swelling all day and her skin felt tight.
“What bullshit,” Austin says, pausing his ministrations to glare at the TV. She wiggles her toes to get him to continue, sighing contently when he does so.
She thinks of the past year and the rumors that have swirled. At first it began small as fandom drama and as time went on media outlets began to pick up on her absence as well. She and Austin were aware that there’d be some push back but it never occurred to her the length people would go to proving they weren’t together and had both seemingly moved on.
Arizona had been her safe haven. She was thankful for Ashley being willing to watch Luci at any time, for Austin’s grandparents who cooked her favorite foods every single day, and his father and step-mom who bought her body pillows and slippers and anything she may need to feel better.
She thinks of Austin and what he must have had to face bouncing back and forth between Los Angeles and New York and Arizona to keep her happy and relaxed. She hadn’t faced the paparazzi or the fans but he had multiple times and he remained patient and understanding of her needing to grow their baby away from the public eye.
Peeking an eye open, she finds him still glaring at the TV. She’s unsure why they’re even watching but she’s too lazy to reach for the control. He’s got on his grey sweatpants, soft against the skin of her legs, and white T-Shirt with his thin gold chain. She smiles, feeling love and gratitude and disbelief swell in her chest that this was her life, this wonderful man was her husband, and they were going to welcome another baby together.
It may not have been planned but it was a happy occasion all the same.
She sits up, planting a big kiss against his cheek. Austin turns, eyes crinkled with his smile.
“What was that for?” He plants his own kiss on her forehead.
She shrugs, “Just felt like it.” Her eyes are welling with tears and she’s sure if she begins expressing her gratitude to him the waterworks would fall. She hopes he knows though, hopes he can feel it radiating off her.
She thinks he must, because he pulls her in closer with an arm around her shoulder, tucking her face into his neck. She presses another kiss to his collarbone as he places his other hand against her belly. Immediately there’s a kick.
She grunts. “He always knows when it’s you.” When Austin had to travel it’s like their baby boy knew and he wasn’t happy, he’d begin spinning and fluttering in what she assumed was his version of a tantrum.
“Mom-eeee.” Luci joins them, pointing to the TV where her face is gracing them. She grimaces at the photo chosen and Austin laughs, kissing her hair. “Say hi to brother.” Luci falls to her mom’s lap to press a kiss on the belly, right above Austin’s hand, and begins mumbling secrets. She feels more fluttering in her belly and by Austin’s smile she’s sure he felt it too.
“I love you.” She says, peering up to him. He hums, leaning down to steal a kiss.
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rvb-canon-tuckington · 6 months ago
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here are some "quick" rvb restoration thoughts before i go to bed that i may expand upon later, in no particular order:
this movie was ABOUT tucker but tucker is not in it. there is a tucker sized hole. we see tucker only a little bit more than we see donut, but tucker is still there the whole time!!! at the beginning, i was excited for the tucker whump, but does it count if not a single character reacts to the truly horrifying news that their friend has been controlled for a few months by eight or nine ais, at least two of which have tried to kill him and everyone you love before? like even if they had retconned red and blue teams being friends (which they didn't), you're telling me that we never get to see wash's reaction to this news? carolina's? two people who lost a different friend to this exact gruesome process of de-personing? no one ever tells carolina that tucker is in there and no one objects when tex goes to fucking decapitate him? like i get that caboose was the only person to see that tucker was actually still in there, and he can't really be trusted to communicate things clearly, but they could have even just included some sort of discussion where they decide that they think that tucker would rather be dead than be dragged along in this parody of life (and with the way the ais were torturing him, he probably would have agreed.)
speaking of caboose knowing that tucker is still in there - grif and simmons abandoning caboose rubbed me SO wrong. usually if a character is trying not to involve themselves, they'll "run away" to the nearest place to hide, not GET ON A SHIP TO FLY AWAY LEAVING CABOOSE TO DIE AT POSSESSED TUCKER'S HANDS. i get why they (the writers) did it, but that doesn't mean i have to like it lol
why weren't they FRIENDS ANYMORE
where was donut
what was that wash b-plot. what did the wash b-plot add?? what it did: make me feel weird about dr. grey's character, kill doc off screen, and make wash useless in the main plot. what it did not do: make sense. when did wash get injured post chorus? why is he hallucinating, period? why was he institutionalized? (and why is the room number the same as his prison number?) why did they spend so much time on it for it to have no real conclusion? they didn't need to have this weird "wash is hanging onto the past via doc" plot to have the carolina-wash-freelancer ghost heart-to-heart. (also i have never laughed so hard as when i saw the post pointing out that they left wyoming out bc neither my friend or i noticed lol) why wouldn't he know there was a manual way to activate the recovery beacon since he was LITERALLY recovery one? so many questions, no answers. what have you done to my boy, burnie.
the pacing was ATROCIOUS. nothing happened for the first half of the movie, a bunch of stuff happened in the second half, and none of it felt resolved.
where was donut
why was everyone separated at the beginning? why was no one worried about it? where was donut? where was carolina? why was no one worried about where tucker was? had caboose been the lone blue for the few months that tucker was gone and wash was hospitalized? genuinely, my friend and i thought that the reds and caboose had been mind wiped and dropped into their undisclosed locations without knowing why, and the plot was gonna be them all reuniting and piecing together what had happened and getting tucker back. alas.
it felt like it was the grif-simmons-caboose show, which was interesting because that's not a problem i feel like i've had before with this show. even if i saw less of a particular character than i wanted to. they usually have a pretty good balance of characters and this movie felt like they suddenly Realized how many characters they had and fumbled it.
i did actually really like the tex reveal that was BOSS i LOVED IT
i have more thoughts but this is far too long already so i'll save it for later lmao
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am-i-the-asshole-official · 7 months ago
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hello readers. AITA for visiting a friend in another country before visiting a different friend in a different (neighboring, but still a good 7-10hr trip) country?
some context: friend 1 and i have been online friends for over a decade. by reasons of circumstance- they're a few years older than me so they could travel easier, their family is more affluent whereas mine couldn't shell out ~1k for an overseas flight until i was able to make that money myself as an adult, they had already graduated college and could travel easier than when i was still in college and could not (summer was technically an option but friend 1 hates hot weather and getting sweaty, so they always wanted to meet up in colder months, which limited my schedule)- the four times we've been able to hang out in person, they came to visit me instead of vice versa. the 4th time was a couple years ago, and they purchased tickets at the start of that year (2022). however, at the same start of that year, i got involved in a new community and met a lot of amazing people, especially friend 2, who quickly became one of my best friends in a short amount of time. it was just one of those instant connections, y'know?
anyway. fast forward about six months. since friend 1 was already coming here towards the end of 2022, and there was no refunding those tickets, friend 2 and i wound up making plans to see each other. but they couldn't easily afford the plane fare, so i decided to go visit them in their home country instead. part of the reason i never had done so with friend 1 before was bc i just wasn't mentally ready to be so far from family, in a different country, by myself - i had a lot of anxiety about such a long trip. i still had some now, but after going through covid and such, i changed a decent amount as a person, and wasn't quite as anxious anymore. i had also moved out, so i was more used to being away from family by then.
the trip with friend 2 wasn't going to happen until 2023. when friend 1 came to visit, however, they found out about the trip (by apparently looking through my likes on twitter, where friend 2 had made a post about it) and completely broke down. i had been trying to figure out a way to tell them, but had a feeling that any method would result in this exact reaction, so i had put it off, until i was unfortunately proven correct.
further context: friend 1 and i have never been great at honest communication. this is a fault of both of ours, but i feel like i am able to admit it more honestly, apologize/own up to it, and try and make changes. we met young and immature, and the majority of our talk over the years has been superficial, solely about fantasy characters. when i got too busy in college, and my time/interest in characters declined, i felt more and more like our relationship wasn't as fulfilling. i was afraid to bring this up because on two separate occasions in the past, when i mentioned hanging out with other friends (and in one if the situations, which was an online game, i invited friend 1 to join us) i was immediately ghosted by friend 1 for a few days. so i stopped feeling able to bring up any plans with friends going forward, for fear they wouldn't take it well. i made up excuses and lies when i DID hang out with other people to explain away my absence (we were used to talking daily, but it felt like an obligation after a time, as they'd always ask why i wasn't online for a day). obvs, none of this is healthy, but it led to how i (mis)handled the current situation.
friend 1 found out, we had a lot of difficult talks on a trip that was supposed to be fun, and throughout the remainder of the trip i basically felt watched for whenever i was on my phone - lots of passive aggressive comments dropped about how "they wouldn't use social media on a trip like this, bc they could just do that at home". i was accused of being in love with friend 2, bc why else would i wanna go visit them so soon into a friendship, of not wanting friend 1 to even be here, of "holding something that happened years ago" over them (the ghosting) when i tried to explain why i didn't tell them. (i don't hold the situations themselves against them anymore, but it's had a profound interaction on how i conduct myself in relationships now). they said that they wanted to be my first international experience, which i get, but in my mind, it's two completely different countries, and they were already coming to visit before these plans were even made. they also made it clear they didn't care about the circumstances, friend 1 just wanted to be "my first" no matter what i said. i felt/still feel like that's too controlling, basically asking me not to go hang out with friend 2 bc i didn't adhere to their timetable for it first.
i had an amazing time with friend 2, and it was just an overall more comfortable experience. i still feel like i owe friend 1 a visit, even though i don't see a long future for our dying friendship (and even, if i'm being very honest with myself, i don't want to go visit them). personally, i'm fine with this - we've just grown into different people imo. but they don't have many friends, and had a couple rough ghostings from previous friends of their own, so i feel guilty about wanting to call it quits on ours, which again i know they won't take well. i just don't think we're compatible anymore, but even so, this whole situation has continued to eat at me even though it's been nearly a year now. i keep wondering if i really am in the wrong here, if i wasn't as considerate as i should have been, if i shouldn't be so blase about ending a decade+ friendship.
so, AITA for visiting friend 2 in their country before friend 1?
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love-kurdt · 5 months ago
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What are your all time favourite fanfics from each genre: fluff, smut, and agnst? <3
oh lord, this is TOUGH. i’ve read thousands of fanfics in my life and it’s borderline impossible for me to choose 😭
i can’t rlly separate them into genres per se bc most of them are multi chapter novel-length fics, but i will if applicable!
i’m not a huge fan of condensing entire works into a single word!!! authors work too hard for their writing to be trope-ified like that! so if any of the writers come across this post, please know that i would write fucking essays about these fics if y’all asked.
and one last disclaimer: i’m currently on my phone with limited cell service in europe and can’t jump between tabs to check peoples’ separate tumblr and ao3 usernames, so i’ve tagged who i know off the top of my head!!
so here are my top 10 (in no particular order, just listing what comes to mind first)
“in the sun” (kurt cobain x OC) by ugh-nirvana on wattpad. it has been my favorite fanfiction of all fucking time; i read this at least once a year. primarily fluff and angst, but it follows the OC and kurt through high school and into adulthood. the author and i are actually friends now bc we wrote two of the most popular kurt cobain x OC fics on wattpad 😭🖤
“the windows of this love” (byler angst) by delusional together (Whyyyyy) on ao3. phenomenal story, i cry every time i read it, and i’ve read it so many times it’s kind of a problem lmaooo. it was also one of my inspirations for TIMT.
“that blue gibson” (dave grohl x OC) by thatbluegibson on wattpad. a literal masterpiece. cute, romantic, fluffy, spicy, all of the above.
“the rawest desire (in it’s friendliest form)” (byler smut) by bangingbiddies on ao3. they have a very apropos username; this fic had me slamming my laptop shut multiple times and screaming at my cat. probably the best smut i’ve read tbh.
“i’m a wreck (without you here)” (byler angst) by @oldfashionedmorphine on ao3. INSANE. BEAUTIFUL. LYRICAL. i cannot praise this story highly enough, it’s one of my favorite byler fics of all time. alcoholic mike wheeler is my favorite mike wheeler ngl.
“second chances and dances” (byler angst/fluff) by @foodiewithdahoodie on ao3!!!! i’m a huge sucker for dad mike fics, and this one is *chefs kiss*
“lost without you” (byler angst/fluff) by julia_skysong on ao3. another dad mike fic i actually just finished for the 3rd fucking time in the past 6 months. i recommend reading this whole series, it’s so well written (and is still being written!!).
“fence sitter” (byler smut) by pinkcash on ao3. exactly what the title suggests. sensually spicy and severely suspenseful.
“boy in my class [gerard way]” by lilyrose93 on wattpad. it’s a gerard way x OC. very cute, very cliche, but if you’re looking for ✨fluff✨, this is it. and listen, i know writing about real people who are still alive is kinda weird but like… this one is serious, ok??? 💀
“tell me i’m a bad man” by therevengeparade on wattpad. along the same lines as the one before this— it’s teacher/student frerard. very messy, very smutty, top tier drama. if it helps at all, this was probably my initiation to gay fanfic. so… thanks therevengeparade!!! love u!!!
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happy reading, friends 🥰🖤✨
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nanabrainrot · 1 year ago
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Could you please write primal kink Miguel fic 🙏
OKAY FINE I was like literally walking around like “how do I do this” so PLEASEEE FORGIVE MEE IF ITS NOT WHAT U HAD IN MINDD BC I WAS WRITING THEN I MADE IT ANGSTY 😭 J DROP ANOTHER REQUEST IF THIS WAS NOT THE MOVE
Sole Purpose [18+]
- ̗̀✎ Love, Miguel
Your universe had that caste system in order in a way that was separate from the way your spidey senses overwhelmed you when the time came: you were in heat and he knew it. And who was he to deny you? If he had it his way, you’d never be in the society anymore; you’d stay locked away in his home for only him to be able to smell the delicious scent of your core soaking wet when your heat came. The fact your universe inevitably had to have men who helped you through your heat made him only angrier: but there is one sight that soothes his soul.
Your watery eyes glossy with desire, you gripped his shoulders with a vice grip. Body twitching under him, there was no way for any part of your torsos to not be melded together. The way you nuzzled into his neck as he bucked into you only sufficed to make him spiral deeper into this awful desire. He couldn’t help it. To see you suffer was to suffer himself. To see you in pleasure? Euphoric.
Deeper, his tip nudges your cervix as it twitches. His thick veins pulsing into the warm ridges of your pussy - squelching and wet. The amount of cum he dumped in you just today left him barely cumming: you had made sure to milk him with your mouth in the morning.
The whole week he’d been playing husband to you, drinking up the effects of your monthly heat; you lived for his attention and he couldn’t remember a time you didn’t have your skin against his the entire week. The 7th day was coming to an end and the new week would begin tomorrow - the end of your heat.
But right now, he has you as he wants you - pliant and dick drunk. Your pussy twitches and you stiffen against him, legs and arms wrapped around him to get him closer. Closer than the laws of reality could allow, closer than biology already had you. Cream. You creamed on his cock for the what? The tenth time today? The nth time this week? Crescents from your fingernails leave little marks in the dense muscle of his biceps as you heave into his shoulder. He shoots another clear excuse of a load into you. Spent.
Pulling out, the cums floods out from load after load. He promised to sate you, take care of your heats, only to play husband for a week. This picture was familiar, your pussy had twitched lewdly as the cum leaked out the past 7 days you two had spent in bed together. The past 7 days you had spent on your (now bruised) knees, on all fours, arched back, on your back, or in his lap. There’s never a moment you aren’t full of cum.
Come the 8th day, the heat is over and the illusion is gone. You drink up his warmth for some moments, but parting to get ready for the day as he stares at the ceiling. Your steaming shower drifting into the master bedroom he laid in, your hair wet, skin glistening with those fancy shimmery oils and lotions, reeking of a womanly perfume - floral? Is it fruity? You don’t get close enough for him to tell as you put on your clothes for the day and lift up the photo frame you had pressed against your nightstand to stand again: your head cleared from the mush it was made of during your heat.
He didn’t know much about your universe’s caste system or people, but he knew one thing much: they mated for life. But the heats would keep going. Your canon event occurred a year ago, your mate gone, and he offered to help your heat as nothing more than a way for him to burn through his climbing sexual frustrations and now leaves every month.
Your people mated once, engineered to never commit again. Your cold eyes flit over him from the photo frame: a picture of you in the lap of your life mate with a smile he had never seen in the past year of fucking you full of cum a week a month.
“Thanks, Miguel. See you at work,” you yawn as you lumber out of the room to brew some coffee. One cup. Only 31 more days to go until next time.
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fluffypotatey · 1 year ago
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Hello there! I hope the month is treating you alright. Speaking of impending breakdowns, with a full guarantee of MK having one coming soon, aside from him who else do you think will be getting one amongst the Monkie crew, from earliest to the latest? Macaque is shockingly doing well comparatively because he's been having one the entire show and only started to wind down and process it s4 while the other two monkeys are just piling them up. I am fully biased towards SWK so I'd like to know your thoughts on what an SWK breakdown would look like and what would trigger it, and if we might see it any time soon.
I think the reason on why an MK vs SWK fight makes me full of nervous dread is because i worry it might mean full rejection of MK towards SWK, after all the trials they have been through, and that SWK haven't had someone fully believing in him for so long so i worry he might interpret it as MK finally giving up on him, like the others did. But I'm holding on to the hope that it's not entirely the case, MK still believes in him, he just wants SWK to actually use his words and TALK to him, extreme force needed. But that might just be me.
Regarding the Samadhi Fire incident, do you think the other pilgrims ever find out about the fourth ring, or did Ao Lie and SWK kept it a secret between them only? I've read Dr. Chalk's comic on twitter, and one of their comics headcanon that Ao Lie didn't tell the rest of the pilgrims about the Samadhi fire in him because he's afraid they'll blame SWK for it. What do you think?
That's it for now. Sleep early, eat your meals regularly, and drink plenty of water!
ok 1) lmao true, Macky's spent most of s3 on the brink and s1&2 is just him projecting so yeah lmao (love him tho). and aside from MK, i think Mei is a huge contender for the breakdown category. Or Tang bc he was super anxious throughout s4. (imma go more in-depth about MK & SWK at the end of this post tho)
imma answer your Samadhi Fire question first: tbh i was originally inclined to believe that Ao Lie did try to keep the knowledge of the 4th ring underwraps for a long time (bc the angst is very fun). if he told SWK, he knew the monkey would blame himself. if he told the jttw crew, it would upset all of them. it's like how @lunar-wandering said in their post that Ao Lie is probably someone who would hide his injuries and troubles because if it is known, it is viewed as a weakness others can target.
then again, i doubt Ao Lie would withhold his physical injuries to the jttw gang because he trusts them, so it could be possible that he did tell them, but they all agreed to keep that secret between themselves. the AGAIN, i highly doubt Ao Lie would share his reasons for being exiled by his family, so he never told them until he felt he could no longer keep it together.
however, keep in mind that Wukong was aware of the 4th ring even in his amnesiac state. he was still with the jttw gang by this point, it was after the journey, and Wukong was aware. tbh, he sounded like he thought Pigsy was also aware, like he was reminding his companion that there are 4 rings not 3.
and, with that....imma have to go with Ao Lie did inform his friends but only his friends. was it immediately after the ritual? i doubt that. my opinion is that Ao Lie informed only after everyone in the group noticed a key change in their dragon-horse friend.
now, my beloved sunburst duo <3
i'm going to have to disagree with you, bestie. i don't think the MK vs SWK fight will to any full rejection. rather, i believe it will give both characters some form of understanding for the other. MK, as we have seen, has trouble separating Wukong from the hero pedestal he placed his mentor on. while he is more aware of the fact that Wukong has flaws and isn't perfect, he is still struggling with acknowledging the fact that his mentor did very bad things in his past, that he hurt people, that he is still hurting people (tho not intentionally). we see it with how he fought Ink!MK who unveiled those very dark and reclusive anxieties of his that he never wishes to acknowledge. we even saw it with how defensive MK can be over Wukong with Macaque and Azure.
on the flip side, SWK did not begin their mentorship with the intention of getting attached. he started this because he knew MK's potential and power, and it is very likely that he was aware that MK was a possible replacement for himself. Wukong keeps his distance in s1, only training the kid and taking his time to do so because he while he doesn't want to get close, he does want to ensure that MK will not fall into the same mistakes he did. unfortunately (for Wukong), the monkey grows attached.
Wukong sees MK's drive to train and be better and sees his own self reflected in it. but, again, he doesn't want MK to be like him. he wants MK to be a better version. a version that never thought to extend his life out of fear of losing his usefulness, a version that never tries to push his friends into situations they may not feel comfortable with, a version that does not feel the need to prove himself to Heaven.
honestly, my concept of their fight/breakdown will come to the fact that both MK and SWK fail to communicate their exact fears, anxieties, and intentions towards the other. MK feels like he can't even talk or vent to Wukong because that's his idol, and Wukong has brushed aside MK's anxieties in the past (MK's worries about Spider Queen for example. also i'm not saying Wukong does this with any malice intent; rather, it's his own way of trying to be optimistic. it just doesn't land well for MK unfortunately). Wukong feels like he can't open up because he sees the way MK looks up to him, he is very aware of his public image and reputation because...you know, he's immortal and has seen his and his friend's stories be told over centuries :)
and while Wukong has attempted to open up to MK post-s3, it's very slow and (more irritatingly) the plot isn't allowing them to have those private talks where they can hash out their shit.
(noooOOOOoooooOOO, swk had to be sucked into a cursed scroll and live through his worst memories, distorted or not, and MK had to be told by another old friend of his mentor that Wukong doesn't care enough about his friends to stay)
therefore, it looks like the only way both characters will even get a chance to air-out their issues will be shouting at each other, throwing physical blows, and maybe crying at each other (i hope so :3 i wanna see swk cry on screen please!)
HOWEVER: while this could lead to the 2 of them needing space with each other (which could lead to both or either of them spiraling about how the other person's rejected them and doesn't want them in their lives anymore), i highly doubt that this fight will be the end of their relationship. frankly, i think it will help give both characters some perspective on the other, work on themselves, and come back with new outlooks & healthier minds (maybe)
so yeah, those are my thoughts :)
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your--isgayrights · 1 year ago
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I dare you to think of any LJH meta
Yeah, ok! I mean I'm on a language kick so if you meant like a specific theme you wanted to ask about her fitting into then like lmk but I'll just do another name meaning breakdown here.
李 智 慧
^plum ^knowledge ^wisdom
이 지 혜
^ common surname ^ these two together often mean kind of like a wisdom/knowledge of overcoming ignorance/evil/chaos. has some reference in Buddhist texts.
TLDR;
the surnames in ORV group the characters together in interesting ways and some themes connecting the Lees are connection to KDJ's (and to KDJ thru extension of YJH's) past/childhood, and experience of growing in adversity (symbolized by plum meaning of Lee).
We know LJH is a Jeonju Lee because she's a descendant of Yi Seokgi in text. The stories of Admiral Yi Sunsin with Yi Seokgi and Lee Jihye with Na Bori parallel in a way that emphasizes how the moral actions that define who becomes the hero of a story are context sensitive to a society.
Historical narratives/war movies typically portray a black and white of who was right and who was wrong that is supposed to seem obvious in hindsight, but are propped up too often as moral lessons that are always true, but will actually be different relevant to the standards of the current 'setting' (society).
Jihye's Hanja can refer to an understanding of some Buddhist concepts that represent an answer to ORV's question of 'how to survive in a ruined world' that Kim Dokja ultimately disagrees with.
Detailed explanation:
Surname Lee
Yi/Lee/Li is another one of those suuuuper common last names. 2nd most common in Korea and it trades places with 王 a lot in China's population count for #1 and #2 most common. (BTW Li is such a common translation of this last name despite modern Korean spelling of 이 partially because in. Middle Korean it has been spelled multiple ways [링,니,리] throughout history, partially because the word is so old and has to be written so often, it's survived multiple standardizations of the Korean language that English is still catching up to.) You can see the commonness of the name reflected in how so many ORV characters have this last name, (Lee Sookyung, Lee Hyunsung, Lee Seolhwa, Lee Gilyeong Lee Jihye...)
But if the usage was just reflecting 'commonness' then where are the 5 characters with surname 밝 omniscient reader where have the parks of the world gone omniscient reader did they all die in the subway car omniscient reader answer me.
... ok, I would argue that regardless of intentionality, the surnames in ORV associate some characters in ORV with the roles they each have and call attention to the similarities between them. Like, Han Sooyoung and Han Myungoh both play parts of like cartoonishly obvious villains in the early text (韓 has some national pride attached to it because it's one of few Hanja commonly used in modern Korean bc it literally just means Korea today, but the etymological root is that it's a picture of a fence so you could infer like Chinese calling a nation past dynasty borders the nation over the fence which implies a separation/opposition I suppose), Yoo Sangah and Yoo Joonghyuk have sort of an emphasized relationship to Kim Dokja I discussed a bit earlier, and Kim Dokja hates Kim Namwoon because he was projecting his self-hatred of a cringe younger version of himself onto him.
So the thing that stands out to me about LHS LSH and LJH is that they're all people who are related to Yoo Joonghyuk's "past". (Sn: I feel SYS is exempted from this grouping because of her unique position in relation to time/humanness/KDJ&YJH, her surname 申 is from Chinese astrology (stars and specific symbolism you could call daoism)/timekeeping a summer month around gregorian August, but is also used in Korean phrases associated with honesty/earnestness, w/ promises and requests) . Conversely, LSK and LGY are a few of the 'real' people of KDJ's world pulled into the scenarios by his influence and also kind of remind of his past/childhood. So I think this actually has to do with the meanings/associations of this surname's hanja
李 is easy to remember with the meaning of plum because it's a picture of a child 子 hanging down from a tree 木. Plums don't actually have as long of a history as you might think because relative to Chinese language in like 1250 BCE we only have evidence of domestic plums starting around 400 BCE. HOWEVER despite a lack of genetic evidence, Western Zhou inscriptions on bronze (which are called 金文 btw if you wanted to know that KDJ's name is like maybe even more related to lit history lol) have been found to contain this glyph:
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Wherein, rather than tree, the little asterisk looking thing is actually the lingual precursor to 米 which as a noun means like a grain/grass/wheat type of situation. How does that make sense if the plum is from a tree and not a grass? Well, linguists speculate the character is pictophonetic and the precursor to 米 is just giving the sound of the character, but it could also be an implication of cultivation/domestication/having the nature of a crop in my opinion, which would be cool if true because inscriptions of this kind occur previous to 771 BC, which is 300 years before extant physical evidence implies plums were domesticated/cultivated.
(Sn: Sorry ok all this is very cool to me because I love how far back you can trace things in Chinese Language. Like if you think about where language begins, I'm reminded very much of the nature of humanity and how ORV puts it with the metaphor of the wall. The first evidence we have of Chinese writing is the oracle bones that Shang people used, and these scriptures showed an already fully formed language that may have been used on more degradable materials. But the oracle bones lend this sacredness to the idea of the written word. The Shang carved characters into ox bones and turtle shells to ask their ancestors questions, and the ability to communicate with ancestors to predict the weather, the relationship of an individual to the past, stood at the very foundation of many East Asian societies for centuries after this point. Yet you wonder, who was the first prophet of bones? Was the first pictograph we might call language an attempt to communicate to a deceased loved one? To ask a question? To write on a wall, not knowing if there was truly a reader on the other side? It's something I think of with this theme of impossible communication that ORV is making a statement with about all of literary history.)
Either way, the inclusion of the word child is significant, because it's not just tied to the fruit being 'born' from the tree, but possibly also the symbolic significance of the plum throughout literary history. This is because plum is very associated with the season of spring. Like literally if you've ever played mahjong or looked at old daoist texts I guess there's this whole thing where there are 4 flowers tied to the 4 seasons and the plum blossom is the blossom of spring. And you know when you literally have like old old old guiding religious texts that basically Explain what those seasons mean to people at the time that becomes the foundation of medicine/ruling philosophies you can see like there are some very consistent themes tied to the plum blossom and thus the character 李.
First is the idea of birth, which makes sense because spring is when the whole world is coming back to life after winter, and the flowers of the plum tree are one of the same. (Sn: a lot of daoist/naturalist influence in literary symbolism is based in the idea of scale... Like the galaxy is a microcosm of the universe, the planet is a microcosm of a galaxy, a human life is a microcosm of the planet, etc.) Because of this, the plum and spring sre associated with childhood/ the early stages of life, (as 子 implies). In this sense, it fits well that 李 would be used for important characters in raising KDJ (his mom and the people he admired in YJH's story) while also being used for LJH and LGY, whose youth in comparison to their harsh situation is often commented upon by the narrative. The other aspect of this meaning is the idea of blooming in spite of adversity, in that the first blooms of the plum blossom may appear when it still feels like winter, bringing the first signs of spring, thus the growing in spite of adversity. Thus, it makes a lot of sense to name a lot of the characters in a literal Apocalypse novel 李, they are blooming/growing in spite of their harsh circumstances.
(Sn: the history of plums/ stonefruit in East Asia is really interesting, sent me down a rabbit hole of trying to figure out what the first domesticated stonefruit was, but it's far back in time enough that 1 day isn't enough time to find that answer.)
In LJH's case in particular, 李 is also an important connection to the historical figure Yi Eokgi. This actually means she's one of few characters featured in ORV we have a Bon-gwan for, since Yu Eokgi was descendant from the Jeonju Yi clan (who made Korea's royal seal the plum blossom when they were in power btw). This is pretty interesting and ORV does like super get into it in the movie theater chapters, but I'll put some context here if you like do not know about Korean war history.
So war is a really interesting narrative in ORV because of a certain discourse on the sort of tokenization of tragedy in storytelling/propaganda. For instance, a huge theme of early Korean literature is the victory of Silla in the three kingdoms period, because extant Korean literature begins with the ancestors of the Silla nobles who conquered the peninsula. Thus, in tales of the three kingdoms, Silla may be portrayed in a better light/more accurately than Goguryeo and Baekje. Up to the modern day, these tales get retold over and over again with different actors, which is part of the point the arc about the war of kings was making, that these noble, dressed up pictures of war don't stand up to actual conflict or modern day issues, that they get rehashed over and over again as if to invoke some sense of national pride when in reality they've lost meaning/application to modern wars/society beyond the profit made by selling their recognizable images. (Shout out to Min Jiwon, her surname's hanja means 'pity' btw, lol) In contrast to this history, Admiral Yi Sunsin is someone who recorded his own history in logs without the intent of publication (as far as I'm aware), and his image/story was taken by the literate of his time only to be fed into that same content generating machine of the modern day, where war movies commercialize and glamorize the battles he fought. (Sn: ORV calls him by his posthumous title, wherein the Hanja for 'loyalty" was used despite the fact that Yi Sunsin notoriously disobeyed the emperors orders and was right to do it. This name kind of relates to this concept of the written word as a masking narrative bc he also had a given name that basically meant servant of the emperor and there's a famous letter where he was like this servant is going to do the opposite of what you said actually to the king) In the context of ORV and modern SK society, the military is just another industry the young people of today are filed in and out of, and men in particular are obligated and often made to feel there is a real need to participate in the industrial complex of modern warfare. So, this is relevant to KDJ's life experience of mentioning being sent to a bad post during his time serving, in the sense of showing war to actually be quite soul draining and unremarkable outside of fantasy.
So in the idea of considering Yi Sunsin 's Real Life story as something tokenized into "Narrative," Yi Seokgi is like almost less than a sidekick. He was a commander in Yi Sunsin 's first notable battle with Japanese forces, so the two often fought alongside one another, yet he's not the individual that is most often put with Yi Sunsin or remarked upon as his close 'comrade' in history, so it makes sense in the realm of ORV that maybe his story isn't well known. I personally think this is sort of because his story is tragic in the sense that the moral of it is to not follow orders of stupid government leaders who don't understand reality... In that he died because he went to a battle when the king ordered it after Yi Sunsin was arrested and stripped from his post for disobeying because he knew it was a stupid order. In addition, I've seen some conflicting versions of this, but some say he went to his own death over the side of the ship when Korea's loss seemed apparent.
So this is really interesting then in the concept of LJH and Na Bori (surname means Net btw). Because it puts LJH as this Yi Seokgi whose obedience to Narrative turned her into a Yi Sunsin. Like, in the epilogues we can see her interactions with Na Bori in that LJH is the younger one who gets teased and called crybaby, who relies on NBR. (What if I was casting myself overboard because of our impending doom and you were a net that caught me and we were both girls lol) Then, NBR takes care of her further by sacrificing her own life. Then, this is the incident that draws the character of Yi Sunsin 's (also I say his name here, but consider that the monikers of the constellations are actually pretty important in the meta narrative context of a Character, a being that symbolizes something in a story, an idea, rather than the actual real person with their own private emotions and such. Also how they aren't able to communicate directly until the point where KDJ himself is becoming like a character to us too. The constellations picking someone then who best understands their story/relates to it is a form of viewership/readership in a way) attention to this particular ancestor of Yi Seokgi, in a way that kind of shows a version of his own story, what if the young and inexperienced Yi Seokgi was the one to live instead? Would he become the same kind of hero in different circumstances? This concept of seeking your own narrative in the stories of others recurrs, obviously, all throughout the narrative of ORV.
(sn on that: I think that KDJ finding his own narrative in different ways between LJH and KNW is also important to the main narrative of survivorship that drives KDJ's initial interest in the world of WoS because of the fact that LJH's survivors guilt and indecision are, in contrast to KNW's over-enthusiastic ownership of the identity of "murderer" relate to the internal debate of KDJ's own self hatred, in that self-exoneration through blaming the situation is the side of KDJ's trauma that triggers his self-hatred/that he has to let himself misremember to keep on living. In opposition, LJH is a "murderer" who KDJ feels sympathy towards. In the world of WoS promised to KDJ in that very initial concept of "what if everyone you know had to kill others in order to survive?" The introduction of these early characters in ORV is always tied to that idea of how they had to become a killer in order to survive. In the beginning, compared to KNW, LJH is someone KDJ wants to see be dissimilar from that version of himself)
So the battle highlighted in the movie theater chapters is the battle of Myeongyang, which is pretty important. In history, basically what happened is that the court and king became convinced by a Japanese double agent that they could ambush a Japanese fleet in a certain area of the sea that Yi Sunsin had actually been to and knew there were like just some absolutely shitty awful rocks there and so, despite not knowing about the double agent plot, he refused to take his ships out there for no reason. This double agent plot was like literally set up because Yi Sunsin had defeated the Japanese fleets a few times and they wanted to lure him right to those shitty rocks and kill him. Turns out they didn't have to because the idiot king got so pissed at being disobeyed that he had Yi Sunsin locked up and like broke his legs and wanted to kill him also but got convinced not to. Yi Eokgi and others who had fought alongside tried to stick up for him, but Yi Eokgi was sent out with another commander to sail right into the trap. Then like I said, some tellings say he died by 'honorable suicide' at sea and some say he was run ashore and killed, I'm not sure. Either way, I'm pretty sure ORV is working with the former version. In that case, Myeongyang is the battle wherein Yi Sunsin had just been reinstated and rushed out to look for the fleet that never returned.
So this is why the movie about this battle reminding LJH of her dead friend connects, because, presumably, the sea attributed to her sickness is the location of Yi Eokgi 's suicide, parallel to NBR voluntarily giving her life to save LJH's.
Another narrative occuring here is, again, the parallel of the fantasy situation to the reality of this kind of trauma. Just like KDJ and other's skills only come into play in the world of WoS, the environment -specific nature of LJH's abilities is particularly emphasized with association to this sea that is a reminder of her greatest personal trauma. This is interesting because I think the overt message of this scene is KDJ forcing this idea of like using your trauma as a necessity to become stronger, which is very interesting in the context of helplessness to narrative and the fact that KDJ's idea of being like the sacrificial goat that has to endure all suffering for the sake of any happiness to occur in the world being the final boss of ORV... Also interesting in the context of the way natural human tragedy/history is edited into narrative visavis the commentary of historical narrative here.
Because if you look at YSS, he was this admiral whose greatest advantage was always just knowing the sea the best of anyone else. He knew where the shitty rocks were, and Myeongyang was named the battle of Myeongyang because when the king was like give up on finding our guys and just fight with the land troops he was like nah man I got 12 ships here and ships are only good if there's water, and he sent one of his boats to lure the Japanese fleet of like 300 guys into the Myeongyang straight that just had like hella whirlpools.
So the idea of someone who is weak on land but strong in the sea is very parallel to that aspect of trauma which is the fact that trauma responses are trying to prepare you to encounter traumatic situations again, and when you don't encounter those situations, they just linger and stay with you, and in some ways they become a weakness in dealing with everything other than that very specific situation you once experienced. So in this section KDJ is telling LJY to get over her trauma and use it for this specific situation, that having endured killing a human being once before, you are prepared to do it however many times it takes to keep living and get to the end... But again, the entire text of ORV is challenging this idea of "necessary" traumas, and YSS is someone whose story reflects this in an interesting way.
Because YSS and YSG's 'tragedy' as told by ORV was probably quite preventable in real life. It was not really 'necessary' for so many people to be killed in the previous battle for YSS to win the battle at Myeongyang, but the bearing these aspects have on the power of his narrative? Would this story be told so many times over if YSS hadn't faced such adversity before the most told legend of the 12 ships under his command retaking the sea from 300 Japanese ships? YSS's eventual death at sea is retold over and over, while YSG who also died at sea during battle could have died any one of a few different ways without public consensus. It reminds me of that theme of little tragedies in ORV, the idea of a personal tragedy that will never reach the scale of a great story or narrative. Because narrative in some ways asks a tragedy to justify it's existence, to have a reason to be told so many times over, to fit to a certain model of what others want or expect. Like in real life we should be looking at the idiot king from YSS's time and thinking hey maybe you should just listen to people who know what they're talking about instead of having an ego about it, what an asshole, it's stupid that the government system gave him the power to do that shit, etc. But in the context of narrative, an idiot king is basically a setting, the innate nature of an uncaring and cruel world context is static and immovable, and the hero's interaction/relationship with that setting creates plot. "This is just the way things are, it's so realistic" type comments evoke this aspect of fiction that seeking radical joy in narrative fights against. Because in this narrative of war, young people are asked whether or not they will die following orders or live disobeying them, but the answer in LJH and NBR is that whether or not obeying the order to kill or resisting the order to kill will lead to certain death is completely dependent on the will of that setting the which narrative does not dare challenge.
So the aspect of war narrative adds onto this idea of systems/narratives/what we see as 'reality' having to be torn away to find the true heart of something. Because the reality of war reveals is that all death is senseless, tragedy is an impediment to happiness, not a requirement or precursor. Our sense of narrative merely gives the two a false relationship.
You can be happy without suffering, you can suffer without being happy, and you can be happy after suffering and suffering after being happy... Human life isn't always so simple as a one-way transition between winter and spring
Given name Jihye
智慧
Basically this word means wisdom, so you could interpret the whole name as like growing into wisdom or having to do with how YSS's quotations are repurposed as aphorisms or something, but like I said these characters are actually also used to translate the concept of 'prajna' in sinicized Buddhist texts. It also means wisdom/understanding/insight but there are like specific concepts that are supposed to be being Understood in the context of Buddhism u know. Basically: 1 nothing lasts forever (impermanence), 2 what causes suffering (I think usually Buddhists say the answer to that question is desire, idk), 3 the lack of self which Chinese translate 无我 (there's a huge split on what that means depending on the tradition) and sometimes also a secret 4th thing that's basically like nothing has inherent/meaning/form besides the illusions we construct of them (void).
The reason I find this Buddhism connection interesting is because I think that Buddhist philosophy (just in my experience of others trying to convert me/telling me why they prefer it not saying this is the case for everyone who prescribes to any branch) does this thing religions do where it tries to answer an impossible to solve problem that humans have but I don't necessarily agree with the solution. Like lots of religions are kind of based just in this reality that people dunno what being dead feels like when they are alive and are trying to predict it through the lense of their own societies, but Buddhism is kind of unique in that most of the branches with extended afterlife mythos develop like way later on and it doesn't immediately try to describe the creation of the world or assert any similar myth whose details are actually extremely related to the context of the society it was originally told in and hard to relate to outside of that worldview, Buddhism starts from the point of a guy who tried being rich and tried being poor and was like, I suffered doing both of those things. They both kind of sucked. Which I think is part of why Buddhism has such this huge spread across societies so early on in history because the silk road goes both ways but Buddhism caught on like a wildfire in East Asia and maybe part of that is that when your dynastic lineages and model of society goes back so fucking long it doesn't actually seem feasible to change your society as much as it seems to be able to remove yourself from the stresses existing in that society causes you.
So, 无常, 苦, 无我,空。 Society feels permanent, but there is no permanence. Bitterness exists because of this illusion of society. The concept of 'me' a symbol that represents my being to others is not actually a truly solid, unchangeable thing. To be void of the desires, concerns and stresses in the world you cannot change is 空 in the sense of void/lack of activity, but also in the sense of freedom. (Sn: I think I like the Chinese translations of the last term more than the English "void," because most English speakers will picture a dark space and feel trapped, but Kong makes me think 'do you have some free time?' which I think lines up more with the Buddhist idea of 'freeing yourself' than like the idea of you are confined to your mortal existence or w/e)
So in relation to the concept of narrative, this idea of 'wisdom' demonstrates that reaction of interaction with a horrible setting/worldly suffering/trauma/ etc. I think that because the lack of interaction/removal of self from the world is characterized as a philosophical enemy of ORV wherein 'caring about others and being happy with others does not always require suffering and even if it does keep trying to be Happy' and emphasizes the idea of the importance of individuality and identity and personhood, the name of 'understanding' in this sense is representing that LJH initially has a worldview KDJ has to fight against. Because her lack of participation in the scenario to avoid causing more suffering is like the first conflict between her and KDJ and he convinces her to fight to survive/keep on living/ interact with her suffering in a way that kinda contradicts from the idea of 'escaping the self' you know. Because at the core of ORV is that question of how do you go on living when you've done something horrible? In this sense, LJH's 智慧 is just another one of the stock responses to trauma Kim Dokja must react to in a sequence.
(Sn: once more on the concept of how narrative can justify something horrible, LSK's narrative redeeming herself in the eyes of the public vs the horrible truth she was trying to conceal. The idea that killing is acceptable in the scenarios but KDJ must conceal a past of murder outside of that space. The side characters shown to delight in horrible acts as soon as the setting/worldview has changed to expect it in them and reward them for it.)
I also think that ultimately Jihye represents the first introduction to the "reincarnator" solution to the ruined world that is later followed up by Nirvana and YSA, and KDJ's journey through that is kinda like a journey to the east instead of west where separating from narrative and your most important relationships and sense of self are the final boss.
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echo · 2 years ago
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whattt a tumblr tag post game??? amazing!!
Tagged by: @theromaboo
Rules: Tag 10 people you want to know better! (eds note: rules are only guidelines unless enforced by violence, you do you)
Relationship Status: putting sexual/romantic relationships in a separate category from my other relations is against my ethos as a relationship anarchist and is a capitalist colonialist tool of oppression (AKA it's complicated)
Favorite Color: the void between the stars
Song Stuck in Head: well it's only #7 for the past month's spotify stats but Reunion by Linea Aspera fuckin' bops
Last Song I Listened To: Love is God by Minuit Machine bc french dark wave is great tho tbh i'd recc DRGS more if you don't know them
Three Favorite Foods: sushi ofc, fried chicken, chocolate. tho tbh i'm the kind of person who has less of a fave and more wants to try new things endlessly?? i'd prefer this question was more three strangest foods altho the cultural perspectives of "strange" would have complications hrmmmm
Last Thing I Googled: ethylene glycol bc a science fiction series i'm reading mentioned using it as a replacement for gunpowder and i went what??? and looked into it and it doesn't seem feasible but also my chemistry knowledge is limited to Nile Red putting things in his mouth
Dream Trip: alpha centauri. but i'd settle for new zealand?
Anything I Want Right Now: an end to capitalism, but mostly maia crimew to be CEO of tumblr for at least a week
Tagging: @cyle, @jv, @defiledcinephile bc anyone who is a Fern fan is good in my book, @ex bc all my cool coworkers use two character blog names apparently, @moonriot, @non-threatening-feminist-boy as that blog name is majestic, @maveriquemagpie, @rockemsockemrocket, @blowery, and @kat
optional extra credit questions i'm making up bc those are boring:
Pets: two tinyyyy kitties, Missy and Molly! they are the size of ~6mo kittens but are 5 and 4 yo respectively. pics available on request.
Favorite hobby (current or desired): wellll i run queer parties and that's a ton of fun but exhausting, but i guess that's a hobby bc i don't like profit or anything. but also that's kinda work- i also do larps around the world, so far i think it's been six countries and counting! my favorite was the one i played a courtesan in a game that was a Marxist reading of Hamlet i think.
Best article of clothing: i have a leather harness that looks like a ribcage with giant spikes in the spine! it's made with rainbow black patent leather (like an oilslick) and gold rivets w/ little stars. it's custom made and sexy af
What do you want your funeral to be: i want my friends to have a secret magical ritual and commit gay crimes by hiding my ashes in construction sites around nyc so my bones are integrated in this city and my ghost can dwell here till there is no city left
i spent way too long on this post but its technically work bc i am on tumblr right? ....right??
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rev3rb · 1 year ago
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Aah sorry I’m so late this month! I really appreciate the way this chapter explained things to us super clearly. And I was pretty spot on about how Mika and Yuu are basically the same soul. They both come from the original Yuu orb but one is Mikaela incarnated in new bodies known as our Yuichiro, and the other entered og Mikaela’s vessel. I guess it makes sense that the Yuu orb is an independent soul since it created Mikaela who is also an independent soul. Would that make our Yuu and Mika the only ppl on Earth whose souls weren’t directly made by God? And where is the Yu orb currently? Is The First still using it in his plans? Could our Mika connect back to it? Is the power of the orb why only Mika or humanity can be resurrected? Why hasn’t God gotten rid of the damn orb of darkness?!?
Anyways, I’m curious to know just how successful Guren and Ferid were with their memory search. I mean we’ve been knew that they were working together, but seeing Guren plotting in the vampire city really hammers in how much he manipulated Yuu. Poor Yuichiro really saw him as a rescuer when Guren is the one who put Mika and him in that situation :(
Side note: It’s so funny that Yuu is having an existential crisis and Mika is just like “Obviously the two of us are gonna runaway and be together 🙄 duh.” But it’s also kinda heart wrenching bc Yuu realizes that Mika is changing and I have no idea how they’re gonna deal with that.
And I'm sorry this response is late! I was all ready with thoughts but got busy.
Are they the same soul though? I didn't see it that way. They're two separate beings who have basically just swapped identities. Their souls are tied together, yes, and there's definitely some element of the Yuu orb being the one allowing at lest Mika to reincarnate. Not sure that makes them the same soul. But really, I think it leads into your later questions. Where is the Yuu orb now? Because if it's still living as a separate entity somewhere out there, I guess this wouldn't make our Mika that Yuu exactly.... but that Yuu wasn't an angel or anything like that, so how did it become human? Same way the angels did in that it just put its soul in a human body? How would Sika Madu react to that happening? Also, you point out something really interesting because yeah. I think you're right in that these two are the only ones who weren't created by God. They're both Sika Madu's creations. Huh. Lastly, you're so right. Why did God not obliterate the Yuu orb? Did God and the enforcers just not know about it? Wild.
I'm also curious about Guren and Ferid's memory search. Do they know the truth about the past? And yeah, it's sad to think about. Yuu really has just been a pawn this entire time. Then again, a ton of people in the story have. But yeah. It's a bit different here.
However, there's something I wanna point out timeline-wise about all this. Unless I'm remembering wrong, Yuu and Mika were snatched up pretty much immediately after the catastrophe happened. At the time of the catastrophe, Guren knew nothing. He was just a pawn. Krul is the one who snatched up all the kids, and the one who talked to Krul and brought her in on all the plans going on was Mahiru. Unless the timeline is being sorta retconned (entirely possible), there's no way Guren could have planned for Yuu and Mika to be in the vampire city. It'd have to be Krul and Mahiru's doing. This can still work sense since all four of them (I'm including Ferid) are working together. It would just mean that Guren wasn't involved all that much in these early plans. HOWEVER! At this point, we have no idea when those two sides joined up (Guren and Ferid vs Mahiru and Krul) and Resurrection at 19 would sorta indicate that that alliance seemingly hadn't yet fully formed since Guren's really only talked to Ferid about things.... so. Yeah, really this scene confused me a bit. I'm thinking there are minor retcons afoot, but I guess we'll see ANYWAYS this is all to say that I'm not trying to be a big "Guren did nothing wrong" voice. He's done a lot wrong, but with what we currently know of the timeline, Yuu and Mika being in the underground is probably one of the few things he isn't responsible for and is just taking advantage of instead.
It's an interesting little dilemma isn't it. It kinda feels like Yuu learning the truth about everything made him more serious on the surface, at least for a little bit. Prior to them jumping into their memories, Yuu was so "idk what we're gonna do but we'll figure it out no problem!!" and he's still like that, but his whole "if we die we're dead even if we're reincarnated" thing just felt so much more serious. The thing with his feelings about Mika changing goes along with this too. I wonder if it's something that'll persist. I kinda doubt it since Yuu's whole thing is being carefree on the surface, but I guess we'll see. Side note: They don't know how they're going to fix things any more than we do LOL
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bigfrogsdreams · 9 months ago
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014- the most detailed dream ive ever had
i had this dream 2 years ago. copy and pasted directly from a discord DM with some editing. In the dream I was Arthur Morgan from red dead redemption 2. i had been playing for hours nearly everyday for about a month straight so it was the only thing on my mind for a while.
okay so i was defiantly with dutch and i thiiink micah, lenny, and charles were there too? like i feel like they were there but the only ones i saw were dutch and micah. so we were in this waterside town, made most of its money fishing. think like blackwater in size and looks but seaside and like fishing obsessed (obsessed is a strong word its just that there are a lot of rich fishermen there). im not sure what exactly happened but one minute we are walking around the town and scoping things out and the next i am separated from dutch and micah. once i realize im alone im arrested (? not sure why, but apparently i did something and i finally got caught by the law idk). next scene im in the jail house. i remember this part very vividly. it was a small and dirty room with a bed and a bucket. it had a barred window facing the port where towns people would commonly tease and be rude to prisoners. I remember being where for a while bc i felt very dirty and gross. I vividly remember having a longer beard which was very scraggly and had dirt in it. I just remember feeling very tired and hopeless- i was mad at dutch and micah and worried why lenny and charles hadn't come yet. i should mention that the window was like a basement window but larger, so the window's bottom was by my head but to the outside it was by the townspeople's feet.
so one day im just chilling by the window soaking in some sun when all of the sudden i see dutch and micah outside by the port talking. I want to shout out to them but part of me is scared to- im not sure why. they both look my way and dutch walks out of sight while micah approaches me. im mad (like really mad) but i dont say anything. Micah crouches down to the window and he chuckles. hes dressed nicely- much nicer than normal. not like "gambling boat mission" nice but "mini dutch" kinda nice. He mocks me- telling me i should have been more careful. im confused because i dont really remember what i did but it was like on par with a bank robbery. hell i think it was one because he mentions how much better the gang is doing financially. He gloats a little more before standing up and walking to where i assumed dutch was. i remember he had very nice black leather boots. i didnt say anything but i was super mad but too tired to do anything. after a moment dutch and micah walk back into sight. micah walks over to where they were speaking originally while dutch walks over to the window. he doesnt crouch down all the way but hes bent down enough so i can see his face. the one thing that made me so so hopeless was that he was smiling. he was happy. he says something about a boat and gestures over to micah who is now speaking with a captain. dutch gets up and i shit you not this is still ingrained in my brain. he opens his arm in a kinda shrug gesture and says "im sorry son, but thats just how things turned out. I wish you luck" and he leaves. he walks back over to micah but im already in the back of the cell- just like completely crushed. i assumed that they were finally leaving and they were going to leave me behind to keep the cops off their backs to have a clean get-a-way.
its been a while later. im not sure how long but at least a week or two. i know they gang isnt gone yet because i havent seen them board the ship but i think they are leaving soon. Im also getting worried that im gonna hang soon- ive been in the cell for too long. im by the window again and this lady walks up. I just see her shoes first but she crouches down. she has long brown hair in a bun and is wearing an expensive looking dress and is wearing some very expensive looking jewelry. she smiles and i can tell she isnt there to gloat. she explains that her family is looking for some extra hired guns and her father wants to hire me. im confused but hey they'll pay my bounty and get me out. next scene im walking w this lady to her house. ive gotten cleaned up and feel a lot better, and basically she lives in this huge huge house with a lot of maids and butlers and groundskeepers. the rest of the dream is very foggy but i basically just work there and protect her family who were like the heads of the town (like their great great grandfather made the town or smth im not sure, but they had money and were famous in the town). i remember trying to write to john but i never sent any of the letters because i didnt want the gang knowing i was alive.
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asakurahaos · 1 year ago
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tw animal death, tw pet death
long vent/rant bc i need to sort my thoughts.
right. so, my family has a house in the village my grandpas from and we go there whenever we have time. and whenever we go there, our neigbours' cats flock to our yard.
two years ago one of the cats had kittens - and out of all of them only one survived. (theyre all outdoor/barn cats; no one even thinks of having a cat as a pet, or in the house at all, and dont really care for them)
well, that one came over to our yard for the past two years and he would be tangled in our legs before we could even get out of the car.
last week, my grandma and i stayed in the village while my parents went back to the city. hes there, bothering us for pets and food constantly, and other cats are laying about, relaxed. everything is fine until thursday morning.
i woke up and my grandma immediately mock complained about him not eating like usual (he always ate a lot) and said that the lazy ass wandered off to sleep like usually. he ate, bothered us, slept, ate, we bothered him, he slept... you get it. we didnt think anything was wrong at first.
then i found vomit on our porch. we thought it was one of the other cats - she ate a lot that morning, and shes the one who hunts most mice, so with the amount of vomit and a mouse in it, we figured it was her. but she seemed fine, and he didnt show up at noon, evening, night. he was always ready to eat, so him not showing up for an entire day was worrying.
then he didnt show up the next day either, and one of our neighbours came over to tell us another neighbour passed away, and while he was there he wondered where the cat was because he was unused to the cat not bothering him while he was there. grandma explained his not eating + vomiting + disappearance and the neighbour told us people use poison for mice and that the cat mustve eaten a poisoned mouse and got poisoned himself.
i tried to comfort myself: hes a young cat, decently sized, well fed. healthy. the mouse he threw up was nearly whole (if youre squeamish look away - the head and body were separated, but it seemed like he gulped down the entire thing in one bite, which wouldnt even surprise me if he did, and didnt look like it even started dissolving. it was like he swallowed it and threw it back up almost immediately). so, because of its state and him throwing up what seemed like everything he ate, i thought. maybe hes fine. maybe he didnt get poisoned. it shouldnt be possible when the mouse was nearly intact and he threw up everything... right?
and we waited and waited and expected to see him waiting for us either on our doorstep or in the shed where we feed him, like he did every morning since he was a kitten.
we returned home today (sunday afternoon) and were still hoping he will be there, tripping us up on friday afternoon, when we go back to the village. at this point, its been four whole days, and hes never been gone even half as long, but were hoping.
my grandma took it really hard, and its making me worry. i feel like mom is trying not to think about him, and im stuck between 'hes fine, hell return', completely ignoring the situation, and remembering him every time i start laughing or feeling positive and becoming sad, and crying over him and every other kitty weve lost, and all the kittens were inevitably going to lose soon.
on the other hand - a young cat(f) came to our yard for the first time yesterday, and another cat(m) we thought was dead showed up after months of not being there. hes so skinny its heartbreaking to look at (last we saw him, he was hurt pretty badly, which, along with his long absence, is why we thought he died). seeing him was bittersweet, since we love him too, and hes alive but hes so skinny + the timing of his return.
if hes dead i wish that it was quick. and im sorry that he was alone. if hes not, then im bringing him back home, fuck my allergies and apartment-cat trauma. the thought of never getting to bother him again or carry him like a baby and him never bothering us again.... i want him back
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nightflame22 · 3 months ago
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Putting a read more on this for anyone who doesn't want to read an angry tirade but I do need to vent about this somewhere
Literally all last week I listened to these guys talk about how sick they were and making fun of each other coughing and I was stressed out by it but I was like "surely they would've tested for covid and stayed home if they had it" like a goddamn moron
And then one of them comes in like "yeah I think I had covid bc I bit into an onion this weekend and couldn't taste it" like why the fuck are you here?? You're still coughing and can't taste things??? Go home!
And neither of them have worn masks at fucking all bc why the hell would they
Like okay I get why one of them would be hesitant to call out bc last week was his first week but he's worked with everyone in my office in the past and I heard my boss say this morning that he would've let the guy stay home
And the other one was like "I would've stayed home but I had to train [new guy]" and all I could think about was how that was a shitty excuse especially if he's not going to mask
They're buddies so they hang out outside of work and thus probably got it from the same place, idk if that's something to be relieved about or not but I think I'd be more stressed if it was two separate instances
Regardless I am so fucking angry that I've had to take multiple breaks just to get my shaking hands under control so I don't make another blood sacrifice to the tape dispenser
I have a trip coming up in two weeks that I've been using as motivation these past couple of months and if I have to cancel it because of these fuckers I'm going to throw a fucking fit
And it's taking everything in me to not just scowl all day which is a fucking feat since I have resting bitch face in general and unfortunately 15+ years of "if you don't look actively happy all the time I'm going to scold you for being a punk brat" didn't really help me fix that!
I got fired from a previous job bc they didn't like my attitude but one of the big things was that I made a big deal out of trying to keep myself safe when people came into the office sick (in 2021?????) so I'm trying to figure how the fuck to articulate to my boss how I'm feeling without sounding like a complete asshole but tbh I'm really not interested in being nice about this
God why do people not care about this shit
I can't even go home bc another coworker got sick (shocking!!) and thankfully he stayed home but that just leaves me to do the stuff that has to be done in-office
I just can't even fathom how little they care about this because they're still fucking laughing about it
Oh my god I'm going to lose my shit
Two of my coworkers were sick in the office last week and today one of them said he thinks he had covid
Two different coworkers are home sick right now, at least one of them has the same thing
For fuck's sake y'all please get tested if you're sick, and even if it's not covid please please please wear a mask bc I don't want to get sick too
Oh they're both still coughing by the way
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