#bc i was talkin to myself the whole time ....

[jockpoetry]

do people have... a current favorite torrenting site

[hisfluer]

i've been thinking a lot about god & god as concept & god as the answer we as people need and one we made up to make the night go by quicker. and i've been reading books that talk about god and notgod and nogod and then living where i am right now where god is a threat and why that god lived when other gods died and i feel like i've come to a conclusion that i've come to many many times before because i just didn't want it to be true for me.

i don't think i believe in god as concept or as answer. i don't believe in there being something else beyond something more. i think the divineness of god makes god too distant. i live here, i live right now, i live in a world everything exists right next to me. god being far away does not ease any worry, doesn't make the night go by faster, doesn't make anything feel ... the way god is 'supposed' to make me feel.

and i've been wrestling for years to make god real to me. just believe a little hard, pray a little more, have more faith and more faith and more faith and i had so very little to start with that i'm out. i've got nothing left to put into the god machine.

but i'm not without my beliefs. god is just the one i can do without because i believe in me and i believe in spirit and i believe the earth is a mother and a grave. i believe that our ancestors are here with us, echoing the movement of our hands to the nth generation beyond. i believe in the magic of lighting a candle and i believe in the power of prayer ( faithless as it it might be. ). i believe that pomegranates are holy fruit and the act of love is a holy act. i believe the special rocks we pick up from walks are holy and the bird feather we see could be a sign or an answer. i believe in all of those things.

i just don't think i believe in god as concept, god as answer, god as the truth and i don't think i have for over a decade.

and i started this blog as a way to explore faith, to see if my god is actually a being from a long time ago that still has a name or if it's not. if craft was a way of worship or if i should just hang up the hat and move on. i would learn names but then my faith could not match what was expected, what i expected. you were supposed to be the answer, i say, to a god who was and is the answer for so many other people but sits very silent and very quiet for me. and i started this blog when i still believed in god with a capital G. or, i tried so very hard to convince myself i did. if i'm actually honest with myself, i haven't believed in god, capitals or not, since i was in my teens.

but then there comes the really fun part of wanting so bad, wanting so much that it borders on needing, to believe. i sang the songs, i chanted the chants, i prayed prayers, i sat quietly with myself and begged for a god, to the point i was asking for any god, to listen. and hearing no response really began to carve a hole that was shaped like god. like i could trace the shape and if i could just find the shape that fit, i would be complete. but no shape fit. even if i put two in there, they don't fit. three or four, nothing. one big shape just falls out because the hole was made by the absence of ... not the presence of.

and that knowing that i will probably never fill that hole, there will never be a god or a being or anything else that'll fit, is very lonely. and honestly, that loneliness is why i started looking in the first place. because talking to people is incredibly difficult, being with others is hard, being around people makes me feel empty because i see how full they are. i am so scared of the reality that i might die alone as the possibility of meeting someone romantically or making lifelong friends just becomes smaller and smaller every day and it's a terrible fear. it'll send you looking for answers in those blank edges of the map, the blank pages at the end of the book.

but after searching and begging and wishing and hoping and praying, my reality is that the only one in that room when i cry for god is me. it's just me. me sitting on the edge of the bed, crying until my chest hurts because i want so badly to know what that love beyond mortality everyone talks about but can't feel it. me writing letters to god with no answer, me burying sigils, me carving symbols, me trying to make an ancient statue mean more than stone when that's all i can see. it's just me. it was only ever me there.

and i tried. i tried very hard. one day, i might try again. but i've never let the idea of no god sit long enough for me to get to know what it's like to not want and wish and beg.

i also want to mention that i separate god from spirit. spirits, i believe, are much more real than god. spirit is life, everything and everyone has a spirit. i think that spirits echo. this is why i believe my experiences with ghosts & the dead / animal spirits / ancestors are all very real experiences because they are echoes. all spirits come from life but i don't believe god did. i would more-so believe a rock is holy because it was prayed to for centuries upon centuries and that you would go to this rock or this tree or this land to find guidance from the spirit (or spirits) that are there than i would believe that a figure sits above us all and holds the key to life if only we would believe in them.

god as great concept has been prayed to for centuries but there is no echo of god. this is why churches feel holy because the spirit of everyone who ever sought peace lives within the walls. this is why places within the woods feel holy because the trees live and their spirit will echo when the woods are long gone. this is why i ache when my parents tell me as we drive through their old necks of the woods that have all turned into residential or industrial land 'all of this used to be woods'.

and i sit by my river and feel how old he is and there's something living in it. i don't feel god there. it's just the river. and i am more like a river than i am like a statue or a painting. parts of the earth are more alive than others, feel different than others, hold more weight than others. you see a rock and remember that rocks can take thousands or millions of years to form in a process that doesn't need you. you see a stand of trees and feel that something very old and very ancient walked there ( and for all you know, you could be remembering. that splice of dna could remember being that old and that ancient and walking through those trees when they were saplings. )

god, however, needs you in order to exist. there is no god without me. but without me, there is an earth. there's trees, rivers, plants, and animals that all exist without me. there's even people that exist without me. generations of people that i will never know and they will never know and neither one of us need the other to live. there might be something terribly lonely in that but i don't find it as lonely as sitting on the edge of the bed, begging god to help and having no reply.

i could get the same result from the river and have a much better conversation. rivers and i both have mouths but god, in any form, does not.

and maybe this is why the river has a spirit, a form of life. and why the trees are described as having clapping hands, as dancing, as being alive. and why earth is described as a mother. and why we ache at the idea of hands drawn on walls thousands of years ago. maybe this is why i remember my grandmother when i make coffee and feel connected to that life she had because when in doubt, put on a pot. and my mother tells me that out of all her grandkids, she worried for me because i was a lot like her. i feel her spirit, her echo even though i'm thousands of miles away from her, and i tell it not to worry about me because i'll be okay.

( and a quick note is that which i could very well be projecting! i could absolutely just be telling myself something to make myself feel better! there is no hard or fast rules in faith or belief or they would be facts. no one can prove or disprove god. no one prove or disprove spirits. like my concept of spirits and life beyond is very fragile at best! but i have to believe in something just there, out of the corner of my eye. i have to believe in faerie tales, i have to believe in fantasy stories, i have to believe in the magic wand that creates the carriage out of the pumpkin because without it, i would be so empty. i would lose so much of my wonder and curiosity for the world because i would see no point. what point would i have to get up if i can't interact with the spirit of the earth, with the spirit of love, with the spirit of being alive, with the spirit of magic? i wouldn't have one. others can see right down to the flat world of explanation with no magic and live perfectly happy lives but i can't. )

those are things i can believe in. and god ... has nothing to do with those things, i think.

but i don't think i would do away with god as concept, as answer, as anything out right. there's a lot to be gained by knowing humankind put their minds together and said this what love looks like or this is what war could be or i am in need in help and my help comes from a man who looks like my father, like all our fathers, or the father i need right now. i wish to win the heart of fair maiden, and if god is good she will love me in return is something that has been say in so many years for thousands of years. there's that spirit of power in words like that, in prayers passed down, in singing your grandmother's favorite hymn or writing your 8's the way your father did or a thousand different wonderful, human things.

god as human concept is a lovely thing. i have a love that is beyond my body that only a divine being could have made it possible. god, however, as divine being beyond the scope of humanity just ... isn't something i can put faith in it. i can trust the river will flow, the tree will grow, the sky will turn from night to dark but i can't trust that god did that or wanted that or willed that to be. i don't see a divine hand guiding in that kind of wholly(holy) natural chaos.

some might! and that's what i love! i love that someone can look at a tree growing in the strangest of ways and rejoice that god can bless even if the trees. i don't see that but that doesn't mean their mind or thoughts or belief is any less than mine. and it shows me how the world is so incredibly faceted just between two people looking at a tree.

i just think i've pushed and begged and pleaded and prayed for god to be there for so long that i'm ignoring the actual answer that there's just no one in that position. that the position is and never has been filled by anyone because the divine creator, above all and beyond, just doesn't fit into how the world exists to me. it's just not there. i've been trying so hard to build a very human thing for a concept that by being divine is not human. the god-shaped hole can be filled, if imperfectly but filled all the time, by the wild concept of nature and the humanity therein.

so, that's where i'm at on god.

[twistedastrology]

i got beef with earth signs

----------------------------------------------------------

this is 100% gonna sound insane bc i know EEEEVERYONE loves their earth signs but good fucking GOD!!!!!!

lemme explain to u what is up. But also first i need u to know that if ur an earth sign, DO NOT TAKE THIS PERSONALLY 💔💔💔💔 there are many other factors at play here i dont just outright hate earth signs instantly but im not. Fond of them. the shitty ones anyway

ok so for starters, i have less than 1 earth placement in my whole chart (sun in 29° taurus that is Obliterated by the rest of my chart and made into 100% gemini), so im already not a big enjoyer of earth ofc

But lemme explain real quick-

capricorn is the most respectable earth sign to me, i generally love capricorns- virgo is 2nd place, they're usually chill- Taurus is 1,467,892,682,257,109,067th place.

so to be fair i mostly have beef with taurus But the other earth signs i got beef with too if they're garbage enough-

AND IK PPL ARE GONNA COME FOR ME so let me clarify immediately that i KNOW GOOD TAURUS PLACEMENTS- there are totally some tauruses that are super fucking dope, this is just a very broad statement im making n i am aware of that but Hear Me Out!!!!

i have pulled like a billion charts by now and ive noticed that people with serious issues, especially issues surrounding their self, have Mostly taurus placements.

these issues can be just about anything but it's Usually around their own psyche, like they dont know themselves fully and they lack drive or willpower.

and i know someone's gonna be like "well u just said ur sun is in 29° taurus" Ok well here's what's up- Im talkin abt taurus stellium kinda stuff, but in my case with my singular taurus/earth placement, yes i did actually have a period in my life where i didnt know myself and lacked drive, but i powered thru it God bless my saturn in 1st house 🙏🙏🙏

so ive begun to believe that where ppl love to say saturn is the great malefic, Taurus is actually the great malefic because it grounds an individual So Much that they cannot find themselves.

not to mention that earth isnt even a primary element- in the entirety of the universe, earth is incredibly finite and rare. it doesn't create itself, it's created by everything else like fire, water and air.

so this has actually sparked a theory in my head that i have put to test multiple times and it has held up every single time-

earth placements are like outlines waiting to be colored in by the rest of the chart.

what i mean by this is if you're a capricorn rising, but say you have like 1 billion aries placements, your capricorn will be colored in by aries, so you end up an aries-influenced capricorn (some of the best ppl btw)

or on the flip side, if you're a cap sun/mercury but you're a cancer rising, you're a cancer-influenced capricorn (also some of the best ppl when worked on bc ofc there's oppositions there)

this applies to all earth signs, but capricorn seems to be the most like- Easily influenced, probably because the cardinal energy makes them less stagnant.

as such, virgo is also influenced pretty easily because they're the mutable earth sign.

whereas taurus is much harder to influence because it's double earth (fixed + earth).

i think this is where the issues are with mostly taurus placements. if you have, say, sun, moon, mercury, saturn and maybe even uranus, all in taurus, the rest of your chart won't have a whole lot of room to influence the earth enough to make it like. Normal.

plus, earth is the only element that literally Does not move. earthquakes and landslides? Generally caused by activity of the other elements.

earth cannot move on its own, it just. Sits there.

water flows, wind blows, fire spreads, earth just... is.

plants Grow, yes, but only with the help of the other elements.

this is why i say you NEED placements in one of the other 3 elements in order to color or Activate your earth placement to make it Do Something, otherwise too many earth signs (very specifically taurus) in a chart and you might find it very difficult to Move in life, to find drive to do things, etc.

taurus is literally the epitome of an Obstacle. (again im talking about taurus the Sign in a Planet, not People who have taurus placements)

and i saw something a bit ago that said the worst sun and moon combo to have is earth sun, water moon- And i have either that, or double air- But the absolute WORST sun and moon combo in terms of Signs??? Taurus sun, cancer moon. Because that is literally immovable object vs unstoppable force.

to reiterate, i have seen plenty of healthy and lovely taurus placements, Melanie Martinez has her sun, mercury and maybe moon (bc it's 0° and im not sure if the time i have for her is super exact) all in taurus and i love her sm- but she's also a scorpio rising and has pluto in her 1st house which totally outweighs a lot of that taurus energy and transmutes it into what it should be.

to me, she is totally what taurus energy Should be. very artistic, gentle, slow-moving yes but not lacking drive or anything.

on the opposite side of the coin, we have jojo siwa, yknow Kammrmas a BICTH!!!! I SHOulda KNOWN EBTETETT!!!!! IF I HAAD A WIUSH I WOUDLEVVENEVVER E F F E D AORUDNDN!!!!!

she has sun, mercury, venus and north node all in taurus with her moon and chiron in capricorn, and she's a solid of example of what excessive taurus/earth placements Can do to someone- she clearly doesn't know what She wants because unfortunately she didnt get to be her own person because she grew up a child star- she grew into what her mom thought the people wanted to see, and now she can't get out of it

so she's trying to startle us with this whole karma rebrand fiasco because her jupiter is in leo and her rising is in aries- two fire signs, but not enough to outweigh the earth, especially because leo is fixed.

and with mercury in taurus, she literally cannot think about how to get out of it properly, she can't think outside the box because taurus is the box that mercury Despises.

i know all of this sounds a little (or very) biased or just dumb, but this is what I've legitimately observed in unevolved taurus placements-

earth signs as a whole ya im not a Huge fan of, but my mom is an aries influenced capricorn so id be lying if i said i absolutely hated all of them

and ofc awsten knight is a taurus rising with 99% capricorn placements, but his moon and saturn are both in air signs (gemini and aquarius respectively), and since saturn rules capricorn, that gives all of his cap placements an air/uranus influence (which explains why he's so peculiar sometimes but he's silly so it's ok)

jonathan davis is a sun/mercury capricorn and saturn in taurus, but he has so much of like every other sign that it gives the earth plenty of other elements' influence.

and again, these are mostly capricorns im talkin abt- If u wanna talk abt taurus specifically, my dad is a cap rising, taurus sun/moon/mercury, and he is the spitting image of everything i have talked about so far. he legitimately has no idea who he is or what he wants out of life, he has No driving fire.

so my bad if this came across as me just straight hating earth signs, i definitely dont, i just hate the super unevolved ones, especially the super unevolved tauruses 💔

and i say it almost every post But this is all my opinion, if u aint agree with it that is 100% fine, i got no beef with u fr, im doin my thing, u do ur thing, we do our own things separately n in our own lanes n we never bother each other 🙏

[boxwinebaddie]

alright be gentle ( ironic because this whole hc is violent asf ) because i'm still sad girl nina, but to cheer myself up i was looking at this piece of kyley b fanart and i Know that i said jersey wasn't a jewelry boy BUT! that is present, put together, dark academia college student jersey...i think that high school head crackin' gangbangin' delinquent kyley-b era jersey actually WORE TONS OF JEWLERY.

and i'm not talking dainty stuff, i'm talkin' really big thick gold chains, brass knuckles, big, fake gold rings with colored gem stones in them,

-- but Not as a fashion statement.

more like...a Threat.

and a PROMISE.

because legend says none of that #bling actually belonged to him and that each piece was specifically lifted and looted from the prone, facedown, bruised battered body of a different low-life bafoon...

That He Beat

BLOODY.

talk shit, get hit, misbehave and you're pavement, this isn't hoboken, so take your broke ass home before it ends up in a body bag.

( bars! As In Jail! as in go to PRISON, girl! )

tldr; fuck the police, no laws on the street, but when kyley b's on the beat, justice is always served: iced out...

and Ice Cold, Bitch. xx <3

this post-fight ritual, which i think kyleyb used to call 'debt collecting' his southside jersey way of showing street cred, a way of generating culture of fear and respect, sort of like how warriors used to collect their enemies heads and mount them on their walls except jers had his spoils over war frosted all over his neck and hands, as if to say,

oh? that guy that used to run shit? that guy whose boots you were lickin? that guy you were mad scared of? well, he's My bitch now. <3 asked me to marry him and everythin', ain't he cute? gave me his big dumb ugly ring and everything. sigh. unfortunately; i'm spoken for. and him? well...let's just say, he's gonna have a hard time saying anythin' with his jaw wired SHUT. so from now on, shithead, i tell you to jump, you ask how high and if it amuses me, i might not break ya legs. because this is My Circus, sweetheart. so you can kiss my ass...

or your can Kiss The Ring. ;)

K.O.

so basically, instead of waving heads on sticks, he was wearing the rings and gangster jewelry of all the biggest, toughest dirt bag, jabroni, low-life mobster street rats in new jersey on his fingers. <3

edit: the rest of the hc was trash but please note that The Kyley B Origin Story is that asshole nj juicehead and his friends jumped jersey in an alleyway on his way home from school and stole the Star of David necklace that zayde and bubbe for him for his bar mitzvah, so he traded his polo and khakis in for a white tank top and baggy jeans, tracked the guy down, beat the living shit out of him, got his necklace back, but as a souvenir…

he took this huge, heavy letter B ring off his finger.

and from that day forward, kyle broflovski…

became Kyley. Motherfuckin’. B.

( but really just kyley bc the the b stands for bitches

AND THEM BITCHES ARE DEEEEAD. MF. SILENT! )

but anyway…The Gold B Ring…is The KB Signature Ring.

and speaking of signatures, j.k’s was ramming the cutting the sharp ass metal of the giant B ring into the cheek of his foes and BRANDING THEM as a display of dominance and/or using the blood oozing from his enemies like a fuckin water color paint and stamping a sick scarlet B into ur clothes as a Warning.

( jersey im scared, but pls one chance )

p.s. he wore the b ring on his middle finger btw

the ring finger…Is Reserved For Stan. ( he’s married )

[intheholler]

So I'll tell you right away, I appreciate yall's blog and everthing you're doing to break down the stigmas that seem to dog us everywhere we go. I saw some people over here talkin bout not being able to go back home, and I feel that real close to my heart. I'm originally from Appalachia (WNC) myself, and I left just over three years ago now for the PNW. I'm unable to go back at the moment, but I sure do miss it ever day. Even for the people who gave me a hard time for bein queer and ex-christian and the whole bit- especially cause a lotta people were real supportive despite it all. Y'all are doin the good work.

hey neighbor!! WNC native here myself.

the last bit there is funny you should mention it bc i was literally just talking to another (appalachian) friend about how for every shitass racist repub asshole that the entire nation thinks solely populates this region, i have known 20 more people who are just like me. queer, non-christian left leaning individuals who are genuinely good people just trying to live and be good to one another, and to make the changes and break the curses where we can. hell ive even had christian friends who were genuinely christlike, loving individuals who were always kind to me even though i was visibly queer.

i hope one day you can return home if that's something you'd like to do. we ain't going nowhere <3

btw, thanks so much for the support. im very passionate (obviously) and i feel privileged to have somehow gotten the reach that this blog has garnered in order to start these conversations and do the work on a larger scale.

thanks for being here <333

[kann1bal1st1c-vvh0r3yummyyummy]

Hello and welcome to home being myself again, be afraid. Before reading this, I just want to make you aware, I’m sorry for any bad spelling, bad grammar or just bad English overall, I’m very dyslexic.

Sorry but not sorry for this :)

So I was thinking, yes I do that, why DO ppl ship Ted and AM together?

(Yes, thats a thing, it happens, I’m scared too, don’t worry.)

I thinking maybe bc of they think it’s funny or they are just a lil fucked up in the head? Or perhaps because people are so used to shipping Chell and GLaDOS?

(Yes, that is also a thing.)

But the thing is, AM and Ted’s relationship is EXTREMELY different. The only way GLaDOS and Chell SOMEWHAT work is because they had to join together in the second game to defeat Wheatley, who was blinded by power because he was extremely power hungry and throughout the whole game you can tell, acting smarter than us, boosting his own ego, getting us to like him. Yk that whole thing!

And if you really think about it, Chell and GLaDOS don’t work at all because they were forced to work together. Chell kills GLaDOS at the end of the first portal game then at the start of Portal 2 she reawakened GLaDOS, bringing her back to life. Multiple times GLaDOS tries to kill Chell. Then at the end of the game(portal 2) because Chell helped GLaDOS, GLaDOS let’s her go, completely lets her go free.

AM and Ted on the other hand, nothing like that happens, There’s no threat to AM, so he can’t be helped by Ted or anything like that.

And AM has to big of an ego to even accept that even happened and go back to torturing Ted  or would eliminate the other robot /AI or whatever before it becomes a proper threat .

And because of the torture, Ted would not help AM at all. He would ask to be killed by the threat that’s there. So he can escape.  

In the most realistic way ;

IF YOU GENUINELY SHIP EITHER TED X AM OR GLADOS X CHELL, IT WON’T WORK AND GET OFF MY PAGE!!!

UNLESS THEY ARE EXTREMELY OUT OF CHARACTER OR SOMETHING IN A FANFIC BUT IF YOUR TALKIN FULL CANON NAW GET OFF MY PAGE.

Oh and on a more positive note! Asks are open very soon! I can cover whatever you want! After this I will be posting a list of what I talk about + introduction of myself to my page and pinning it! I talk about things I like or important shit! It’ll also have my DNI list!

But thank you readers for your time if you even gave it and I’m sorry for this post once again!

Kann1, signing out for now! Bye bye!

[ncityavenue]

Would I chill with them in highschool? (127 edition)

This is something that has run through my mind alot of times and also THIS ENTIRE THING IS NOT SERIOUS 100%

────────────────

𝘛𝘈𝘌𝘐𝘓

Respectfully, I would forget he's in my class every now and then just because I feel like I wouldn't talk to him a whole bunch. He's someone I would stare at alot bc he's hot, and everytime I think we would interact it'll be like a group project or sum? But idk if he'd be a bestie, he'd be a acquaintance that I can trust.

𝘑𝘖𝘏𝘕𝘕𝘠

SEE CAUSE IM 50/50, I would want to be his friend but he'd be so popular that he wouldn't have time for me😭✋🏾. I would want to talk to him but every chance I'd have he'll get snatched up by another friend, I feel like he would be a friend more than a best friend. I'd be like "oh yeah my friend johnny" Because he would have too many best friends but he'd refer to me as best friend bcuz he's very friendly.

Would also unexpectedly hug me? Like we see each other in the morning and he'd be like "wassup!" And go in for a hug...AND I'D ACCEPT FUCK IS YOU TALKIN BOUT🙄🤞🏾

𝘛𝘈𝘌𝘠𝘖𝘕𝘎

See cause since most of the time my friend group happens to be quiet but still chaotic people and I think taeyong would fit right in my friend group.

40%quiet

10%hoe

50%chaotic

I'd definitely see him as bestie, I HAVE URGE TO BABY MY FRIENDS SO I'D BABY HIM ALOT. I see myself walking in hallways going to the next class with him most of the time, We'd be the "You never see them without one another" type besties.

𝘠𝘜𝘛𝘈

HELP IDK WITH YUTA— shiii he'd be a sneaky link fuck is you talkin bout🥱🥱 I see him as someone I'm not really friends with, more like, mutual friends. Like we don't talk without the others around and when we do it's very short conversations or it's just..straight up flirting 💀💀, sometimes we'd end sitting next to each other and strike up a random conversation. Feeling like the deepest convo I'd have with him is "are mermaids real?" DEEPEST CONVO EVER DUDE. But I think we'd be close to the point if someone was to bother me he'd stans up for me🤭🤞🏾

𝘋𝘖𝘠𝘖𝘜𝘕𝘎

HELP WE'D EITHER BE VERY VERY CLOSE OR NOT KNOW EACH OTHER AT ALL😭 I feel like doyoung is someone in my friend group, secretly a psychopath but is just a sassy drama queen on the outside, he would be someone I'd just be dying laughing off of from simply existing.

He's someone I would copy my homework off of, he just seems like the type to do his homework and on my lazy days I'll just contact him.

WOULD NOT TRUST HIM WITH MY SECRETS NOPE. HE WOULD BLURT IT OUT BY ACCIDENT AND THEN BE LIKE "😲" AS IF I SAID MY OWN SECRET😭😭

𝘑𝘈𝘌𝘏𝘠𝘜𝘕

He's someone I'd think would bully tf outta me but then when I talk to him he's the total opposite, I'd sit next to him for my comfort if I had a rough day or I'll vent to him because all his vocab would be "wow." "Ok." "That's nice." "Damn." "I'm sorry." SAY MORE WORDS JEFFERY 😭✋🏾, ofc I'd have a crush on him tf you think this is? (As well as, all the others🙇🏾‍♀️). I feel like he'd know I like him but don't say anything because it's nothing new to him, WOULD DEFINITELY DO SHIT TO MAKE ME SWEAT AND ACT AS IF HE'S INNOCENT. For example, I'm talking and then he puts his hand on my thigh and I'll be like

"Uhm- oh- so..as I was saying-"

"Mhm go onnn"

Like jaehyun what is the reason?

Omg Kris x Jaehyun🤨 NO LEMME STOP. Unless...?

We walk to class together sometimes, but I'm still with Taeyong.

Definitely met through Johnny or Taeyong.

𝘑𝘜𝘕𝘎𝘞𝘖𝘖

BESTIE FOR SUREEEE. He's someone I'd stare at and be like " I wanna be his friend." (Yes that's how I manifest friendships leave me tf alone✋🏾), HES THE ONE THAT WILL HAVE ME DO NOTHING IN CLASS. Would get me kicked out the class cause his goofy ass,he's the one that I'd go out with 24/7 bc he'd force me to go out with him. Weird enough would pretend to be my boyfriend outside of school bc of creeps even without me asking, if I get paired up with him in a project best believe that project is getting submitted SO LATE😭. But the teacher knows we are besties so they'd never pair us up.

"Bitch my partner is so fucking weird–"

"What happened now jungwoo?😭"

We'd greet each other like "BESTIEEEEEEEE" or "BIIIIIITCCHHHHHHH"

𝘔𝘈𝘙𝘒

Oh no baby...he not a friend,bestie,acquaintance,or mutual friend. HE'S MY BOYFRIEND🙄🤞🏾, well before that he would obviously be a bestie. He'll be my first for EVERYTHING; first "date"(bc he'd be too awkward to say it's a date), first kiss, first time (🤭🤭 me's a freaky gal), he's the mf that I would introduce to my family after a week of knowing him I HAVE FAITH IN HIM. He's the mf that'll have me late up at night on the phone with and swearing to end the call bc we're tired but we said that 3 hours ago. EVERYONE WHO'S IN MY LIFE WOULD KNOW ABT HIM. Him, Taeyong, and I would always walk together. He's the mf that I'd have a dating rumor with and get shipped with (I wouldn't mind but I was decline them so I won't get my ass beat by my mom💀 just kidding!) I'd have so many deep convos with him but they all last 5 minutes bc our topics go on and on (ft yuta), I guess he's the one that introduce me to yuta. Yeah. He introduce me to everyone tbh, BUT MARK IS A 4LIFER FR FR😋🤞🏾.

𝘏𝘈𝘌𝘊𝘏𝘈𝘕

I've been waiting for this one, TURN IT UP! We'd be besties for sure but it'll be so SO chaotic, I've dealt with Geminis before (I'm a sag btw) AND NOTHING BUT CHAOS😭 OMG HES THE ONE ID HAVE ARGUMENTS WITH BUT THEN MAKE UP WITH IN THE MATTER OF 15 MINUTES, would bother me 24/7 I have no breaks with this man, I either would have dating rumors with him or Mark. Point blank. I'm also getting nothing done in class with him😭😭, ass smacking competitions🤗💞 ( I win<333) but he smacks really hard😕 since this mf is funny 24 hours in the day he'd be the most funny in algebra bc he knows neither of us are paying attention 😭. Haechan actually reminds me of a best friend I use to have and now I feel like I could compare, he would call me MAD pet names as he does all his friends. Have the most embarrassing stories with him, and photos.

──────────────────

Was this me being delulu? Probably. I just have an urge sometimes to put myself in situations like this, I love headcanoning my own self sometimes🤭💞

So my friend group would be: Taeyong,Mark,Haechan,Doyoung, and Jungwoo.. The chaos is definitely there😋🤞🏾

BYE BESTIE BOOS🤗❤

[waitingonthewind]

Out of all your characters (from games or otherwise), which one do you think is the most like you? In what ways? Was it intentional, or was it an accident you only noticed after the fact?

(Feel free to delete if it feels too personal 🙈)

@undead-potatoes aaaaaa thanks so much for the ask!!! i don't love doing self reflection (i have a hard time in identifying things about myself and often rely on other people to Tell Me Who I Am) but i love talkin about my ocs so this ended up really big

ill pop the majority of this under the cut but here take an unfinished doodle of my first attempt at a fursona in this the year 2023 bc i finally had some insight into What That Might Be for me its a leafy sea dragon bc as a kid i loved dragons and also leafy sea dragons specifically and as an adult i love fish and plants and the colour green ok basics covered here we go

its a really tough one, especially since all my characters have huge parts of me in them (u point to one of my guys and there's a 99% chance they're queer and a 95% chance they're autistic), and the majority of my characters infect me with Their personalities and traits (speech mannerisms especially... i went about 3 years peppering the word gotcha into every other sentence bc of ollwyn. in terms of it being intentional, usually only one or two bits with each character. i try my best to give characters personality traits and interests that differ from my own, or at the very least mix and match bits and pieces.

sometimes i'll try and make characters that are so so different from me but then it backfires because it means that im far more likely to pick up that character's traits (i didn't swear at All in my whole life until i tried making a character outside my comfort zone who Did swear a lot and now fucking look at me). i also don't like doing my Research so going for interests that i don't know a lot about means i don't. know anything about them lmao.

i think it's impossible to have a character that isn't at least Somewhat like you, we draw from our own experiences and ways of seeing the world, after all. i know i put little pieces of myself into every character and it's hard to say if there's any One character that embodies me most.

almost none of my characters really look like me tho

all that being said i've narrowed down my entire list to three of note. all three are dnd or other ttrpg characters bc they're the ones that i find myself having to think most about in terms of how they Think and Feel in any given situation and over time would notice stuff about myself or about them that i didn't realise were related.

i think these days ollwyn wins out personality wise goofy, indignant, lonely, desperate for approval, and loud. they're stubborn and enthusiastic, needs to be centre of attention but doesn't want to take the lead. they don't have many friends but latch onto those they do make. i re-realised my rat dreams because of them. i made em a bard bc i was obsessed with music as an aesthetic.

i made em a half-elf because i didn't wanna be Too out there with character creation (back when i was a terrified lil new rp-er who hadn't touched dnd before and felt i hadn't Earned anything more interesting yet). then magic and stuff happened and they got all the over-the-top design elements i was too nervous to implement initially and even that feels representative of my Own growth in being more Out There with my aesthetics and personality (i.e. completely shutting off my social filter, not toning shit down so much anymore)

oh i know i said none of my characters really look like me but i almost never draw ollwyn with their mouth fully closed and i only realised like years later that it may have been just a mild lil projection of a habit. i got big front teeth and breathing issues and i find it uncomfortable to close my lips Most of the time lmao

my poor unfortunately named aasimar (it was 2018........ i promise...............) takes the cake when it comes to suffering the brunt of my neurodivergence and sensory issues, and represents a significant portion of the judgy parts of myself that i try not to let myself be. strong opinions, blunt, tone issues, big issues with food and touch. comes across as, and often is, very critical. the biggest difference between me and them is that they don't feel bad about those aspects of themself lol

where i spend every moment of my life either desperately concentrating on my wording so as not to come across as rude, or feeling shitty for coming across as blunt/aggressive in tone or phrasing (where 99% of the time i absolutely don't mean it that way im autistic pls im autistic if i wanna be able to get the Right words out the tone doesn't match and vice versa), corona just says what they want or what they think, and if people get offended, that's People's fault for not trying to make more of an effort to understand the way they talk.

sal is my Top Oc Of All Time and as such takes on a lot of random aspects of myself (skin picking, fidgeting, latent anxiety, All of the visual aesthetics i Wish i could pull off, my love of birds, my tendency to Mr Burns Posture my way through life. she's also very very australian), while also inflicting things on me lmao ive learned more about my gender from the years of playing her in her rp campaign than in the rest of my entire life. a lot of her experiences and dynamics with her friends and family reflect a lot of aspects of my own

i only want good things for her and constantly put her through fucking hell

anyway they're all So Much Weirder as people than I can really put on paper and in (relatively) different ways but i just know it all stems from the Who I Am of it all

bonus shout out to beki:

she was my homestuck fankid and first proper oc, which also meant that she was only about two steps away from a self insert. because i made her as a teenager, i feel the distance between us more each year, but im still very fond of her, in the same way i am for my teenage self. i wanna pat her head and tell her she's cool and not annoying and that her friends don't hate her and that things will be okay

i think it says a lot about me that all four of these guys fall somewhere on the aro/ace spectrum (almost in order of least to most aggressively aro/ace. ollwyn's a demiromantic greysexual, corona is demi + grey on both romantic & sexual orientations, sal's pretty much only interested in the One Guy Ever, and beki is sex repulsed, 100% aro/ace) lmao

[fizzbot]

I've been here forever trying to find other words to spell but i've got nothing, here's the rest of the questions i'd be interested in hearing your answers for :33 A B C D F H K M N R S T W X Z

SDKHSDJKSDFHLJK it was a noble effort, thank you babe!!!! o7

fandom ask game og post here!!

A - Ships that you currently like a lot. (They don’t have to be OTPs because not everyone has OTPs.) Friendships, pairings, threesomes, etc. are allowed. our textverse rp au has opened my eyes to so many amazing dynamics.....blitzker my babies <33333 even just their friendship is SO goddamn sweet, i love them <////3 (rewritten) stolitz has also taken up so much of my brain recently ofc since they are lterally so us for real :3 on a friendship note, rosie&striker??? probably my favorite duo weve come up with of all time, the lore is insane!!!!!! sjkdlfhsdjkf honestly ozzie&blitz has been unexpectedly SUPER sweet too, i love when they talk!!!!!! ROSIE X MIMZYYYY MY OLD WOMAN YURRIIIIII!!!!!!!!!! pen x baxter is still in the oven but. soon......

B - A pairing–platonic, romantic or sexual–that you initially didn’t consider, but someone changed your mind. i mean. rosie and striker. we spun a wheel for random character interactions and it changed our lives permanently. OH and romantically, huskerdust!!!!! i did not give a shit about them until you were like "i think we could fix them" one day and you were so right. we could. and we did :]

C - A ship you have never liked and probably never will. carmilla x velvet. velmilla they could never make me like you. OH AND CHERRISNAKE. get that woman a girlfriend stat!!!!!!!!!!!!

D - A pairing you wish you liked but just can’t. uhh. ksdfhksdf im not sure there are any?? MAYBE blitzfizz, but not in a "i hate this ship" way, in a "i just like their friendship more and find it more compelling" way

F - What’s the longest you’ve ever been in a fandom? i think it depends on whether or not it counts if we take breaks in between. like, some fandoms weve been into for like, months and months and months, and then we get out of it, and then we get back into it for EVEN MORE MONTHS........actually idk if it does, bc i think the answer either way is sam and max??? we were into that for like,,,,,,MOST of 2021/2022, werent we??? and we relapsed SEVERAL times!!!!!!!! fnaf might be a close second. unfortunately

H - What is your favorite source text for fandom stuff (e.g., TV shows, movies, books, anime, Western animation, etc.)? ooh,,,uhh,,,,it depends on a whole lot of things. i dont prefer media that is ongoing. so like, a series thats still running? i probably wont be able to get into it. which i know is hilarious since this is an hh and hb blog, both of which are ongoing. the LENGTH is also a big factor. like, id rather die than get into something like the simpsons, because i have a completionist in my brain that would mourn never being able to watch it all. for that same reason, i dont tend to like media thats episodic, like,,,,,spongebob is the best example i could think of jhksdfhjsd. i dont like shows/media that will do something as a gag, and then everything ""resets"" by the next episode. i need linear growth!!!!!!! books, depends on how long the series is. i like reading, but i just dont have the time to read huge series, and also its a bitch to find something if i need a specfic piece of info that i knew i read. like, the wfrr series is perfect, idk if i could do anything longer than that. movies are......ok??? theyre fine, i prefer movie SERIES tho, for more of that linear growth i was talkin about. and games ALSO fully depend on the length/what kind of game they are. i could never see myself getting into something like zelda, because theres SO much content with not enough consistency, but sam and max and monkey island hold a super special place in my heart. SDKFHJKSDFJHKSDF SORRY SORRY this answer was really really long winded. so im gonna say that my ideal media is a show thats short, finished, and maybe has some extra stuff like books or special features. like, gravity falls was my IDEAL fanom, not just for the nostalgia factor!!! it ticks all the boxes :]

K - What character has your favorite development arc/the best development arc? in our fix-verse, striker wins by a goddamn mile. rosie SAVED that man. in cannonnnn.....uhhh......holy shit, does any character have any arc at all???????????? JHKSDFHJKSDF HELLO???? WHY CANT I THINK OF ANY. fuck, i guess striker wins!!!!! congrats man!!!!!

M - Name a character that you’d like to have for a friend. im soooo obviously biased here but ive gotta give it to striker. we could complain about stolas together and i could tell him about the people who wronged me and hed be like 'want me to kill them for you?' and i could say yes. also i could pat his horsey on the head

N - Name three things you wish you saw more or in your main fandom (or a fandom of choice). women. just any women. give me a compelling arc for a woman that has no men getting their sticky hands on it. i have to think of two more things.....uhhh......i want more.....filler. especially in hazbin, i want the characters hanging out and bonding. we read the show bible ep pitches together and im still in mourning. charlie helpng baxter with his experiments??? huskerdust carnival date??? ROYAL PARTY???? MIMZY BECOMING A RESIDENT OF THE HOTEL??????? uhhh one more thinngggg......ummm......fat people. isnt it ridiculous that there are only TWO. FAT CHARACTERS. IN BOTH OF THESE SHOWS COMBINED. two!!!!! and one of them is a villain, and the other is meant to be disliked!!!!! i wonder if that says anything about vivziepop. /sarc

R - Which friendship/platonic relationship is your favorite in fandom? blitzker is up there, but right now the award goes to blitz/moxxie. they are SO. SO SPECIAL TO ME. and weve been sleeping on them all this time!!!!!!!!!! they are best friends in the whole world

S - Show us an example of your personal headcanon (prompts optional but encouraged) uhh. blitz ships appledash. i saw someone earlier say hed ship rarijack and it actually annoyed me a little HAHAHAJKHFJKLDSH come on, look at his goddamn horse ocs!!!!!! this man wants butch4butch horses sooo bad. he literally is rainbow dash. and he loves cowboys. uhhhh on a slightly more serious headcanon note, all members of i.m.p being at least a little trans is so so so incredibly important and special to me. t4t4t

T - Do you have any hard and fast headcanons that you will die defending? blitz is not a goddamn dom. stop making him the top in what is supposed to be loving stolitz art. he doesnt like it. he pretends to but hes lying. wheres that post thats like "when the character is putting on a persona in-universe and the audience falls for it". i have rambled about how much i hate this on this blog before and i will do it again

W - A trope which you are virtually certain to hate in any fandom. enemies/rivals to lovers.

X - A trope which you are almost certain to love in any fandom. friends to lovers!!!!!!!!! <3333333333333

Z - Just ramble about something fan-related, go go go! (Prompts optional but encouraged.) AUGHHHJHSKFHJKSD DONT PUT ME ON THE SPOTTTTTHSJKFHSDFJK!!!!!!! uhhhhhhh i hate vivziepop i hope she explodes but i hope she relases all the hb episodes first so we have something to riff on. the fact that full moon has been done for months and shes JUST now chosing to ""let it cook"" a little longer is driving me up a goddamn wall. she has been on VACATION. for WEEKS. and she gets back and is like "what if i delayed full moon even more :3". anyway if it drops on my birthday (the 29th) that Might be my last straw

[troph4eum]

Overcoming Toxicity

aight so 4 months ago i wrote this song called overcoming toxicity and i wanna talk ab it cuz it ties back to a concept in do you see your god in me but theres also other stuff i wanna talk ab in it.

heres the link for it

so if u listened to it its p obviously a love song and yeah its ab a specific person. we werent together or none but it was more than platonic to say the least. im ngl2u shit didnt work out which i always knew was a possibility which is why im not too fucked up ab it now (it did take a bit to come to terms w it tho ngl2u) but despite that im still glad i made this song bc it helped me solidify some things and a bunch of other stuff im gonna get into.

so before we rlly get into it bc this songs backstory involves another person im not gonna get into very specific details out of respect for them plus it aint yalls business to know everything. but ima jus say no crazy shit happened btw us causing some crazy falling out theres no beef or drama to be had ima leave it at that.

now that thats out of the way lemme get into explaining this song.

so a major theme in this song is running away and the idea of "it" being worth it. what this all stems from is when me and this person first met. we became friends and i noticed that it was insanely possible for me to develop feelings for them. and in all honestly that scared the shit out of me cuz i got trouble with trusting people and attachment. so as they tried to get closer i would ignore them sometimes and keep my space to prevent that. and listen ill be the first to tell u that im a fucking asshole for that and even knowing how everything ended up i still regret it bc they didnt do anything to deserve that. but bc of my own cowardice and refusal to be vulnerable i did it.

this all happened around last summer and after a certain point in time we just werent as close as we used to be. some time passed and in that time i stopped hanging around a lot of my friends thats where the "ran away from all my friends" line came from. the whole me not liking them in the first place bit is an exaggeration but i started to realize that their actions werent very fitting of my morals. or at least thats how im choosing to put it bc honestly its not serious enough for me to get into specifics. soon after that i started to realize how much of an idiot i was being and decided that i shouldnt be scared to commit to something just because it might not work out. which is something that yu yu hakusho (ik im a fucking nerd LMAO) reminded me of. so i started hanging out w them more. as time went on we got closer n shit theres a lot more to it but like i said that shit aint yalls business but like i thought i would i started to develop feelings for this person the more i got to know them. and it wasnt too much longer after that when i wrote this song.

so like just going thru the lyrics i feel like everythings pretty self explanatory but a few lines sort of stand out as needing a bit more context to be fully understood

thought i'd amount to nothin

cant lie thought i was bluffin i thought i'd never love again

i come back to u n ask myself if it was worth it god i hope ts is worth it always struggled w my purpose i jus scratched the fuckin surface yall dont know whats underneath talkin like this hurts my teeth n i thought i was gettin better but im yellowed from the grief youre too fuckin sweet

and then theres obviously the reprise of do you see your god in me which im saving for last

so honestly the amount to nothing, purpose, and surface lines all can be grouped cuz they deal w the same sort of topic. so i used to talk to this person ab my dreams and like the actual artistry behind not just my music but my thoughts and it was something we really bonded over and we both shared thoughts with eachother about interesting concepts and it was something we rlly admired ab eachother but like when it came to my music it always seemed like they rlly believed in me n shit n like i do struggle w my purpose a lot but when i was w them shit jus seemed so easy n so clear. and this is bc they seemed to rlly understand me n what i was saying (which if yk me personally or have read some of the stuff on here yk means a lot to me bc its some i struggle w w other ppl) they rlly made it easier for me to believe in myself and my ideas and motivations. and then when it comes to the surface shit its honestly just the truth i rlly have only just scratched the surface of what i wanna talk ab w my music w the songs i have out. this page actually lets me dive deeper and it defintely has the closest look into my mind thats publicly available but overall people dont know whats rlly underneath besides them. well ig now not even them cuz its been a minute since weve talked but anyways that rlly just means i need to get to work on making music w substance again so i can spread the ideas i want to express before its too late.

so what i was talking about with the bluffing part is bc when i first started talkin to them again i didnt know if i was rlly gonna stick to it cuz i didnt know if i had the capacity to love someone like that again. and then when i said i asked myself if it was worth it ts lowkey has a double meaning of like was it worth it to treat them the way i did back then (a rhetorical question obviously it wasnt) and then also asking myself if it was worth it to come back even though im risking myself by being in this vulnerable position. (spoiler but i think it was) which i reinforce by said "god i hope ts is worth it" and honestly i have a complex relationship with god that deserves its own post bc i have what i feel are interesting thoughts on religion that i could talk very extensively about.

and then the teeth part vaguely highlights the bitter sweetness of the whole situation and this is because of numerous complications that once again i wont be going into bc ts is nunya but at the same time when we werent concerning ourselves with those things shit was honestly so good. and the whole yellowed from the grief thing is just because i still felt stained from the time i lost something similar and i was still dealing with the effects of it. which also brings up me thinking i was getting better and the reason i named this song overcoming toxicity. i thought that by making this commitment i was finally done shedding all the toxic habits that i had that summer but now i realize that youre never really "better" youre just always trying your best and sometimes you relapse back into negative patterns of thought. now i didnt run from them again but there were other problems i had at the time that were arising that i was struggling to deal with mainly my paranoia and trust issues which at the time were unrelated to them. and like they were the one who told me that stuff ab regressing and honestly i wish i listened more and took it more to heart bc i was rlly spiraling over some shit that was triggering my anxiety and maybe i couldve come out of it sooner if i just listened more but i was too in my head.

now all thats left is the reprise and lowkey ima have to do this shit genius annotated style so lets get it

"i said ill fix it n wont run away"

so by now it should be obvious what i meant by this only that i wouldve been saying that to myself as an affirmation as opposed to a promise made to them

"ur born from adam too human for me"

so tbh we did have a lot in common just like as people but idk theyre just way more social than me and it felt like they related to other people more than i did. its something that i always struggled with. we both had trouble feeling understood by and understanding others but to me they seemed to relate to others more (which to me is different from understanding) idk maybe i was wrong for saying this and it was just my perception of them but thats just how i felt. this is something i wanna talk ab later in another post but i do often feel like everyone relates to me but i dont truly relate to anyone else. idk this line is a bit looser and has speculative meaning even from me the person who wrote it.

"existentialism and struggle for peace"

now this line honestly has so much depth in it bc existentialism and the "struggle for peace" are such layered concepts and honestly id just read about existentialism to get a grasp of what it is rather than have my tired ass explain it. but the struggle for peace is sort of what trophaeum is all about. and trophaeum has a lot to do with my life if thats not obvious enough.

"do you wanna be the god in me"

now THISSS is the heavy hitter when it comes to meaning. cuz HOLYYY SHIT. so first off youre gonna have to read the do you wanna see your god in me post to fully understand what im ab to talk ab so do that and come back heres the link

now just like "do you see your god in me" i had no idea what this meant when i said it and honestly even rn im trying to figure out what it means but it honestly just felt right in the moment when i said it so i stuck w it. but what i do know is that this question is not using the god in someone as described in the other post literally. if the god in someone is the person who exists in their mind regardless of all the external masks and lies that are told by themselves and others and to see that god in someone else is to truly understand and to hold nothing back from eachother then wtf does it me to be the god in another person??? theres no way to give it a literal interpretation to it without sounding way crazier than i usually sound so heres how ive come to understand it

its inviting someone to be one with you (and by extension you one with them) and live your lives without having the question of whether you understand eachother or not because u simply just do. its complete transparency between eachother. honestly its a lot closer to "do you wanna be with the god in me" but not only does that not fit the flow of the hook but i also wasnt rlly thinking ab it then. tbh thats sort of how much i came to understand it it might take me more time to rlly understand what i meant more. and now that everythings on the table you probably have a very valid question

jin why the fuck would you ask such a heavy question to someone you werent even fucking dating

and im ngl to u ur right ts is kinda crazy especially writing a whole song ab someone i wasnt dating but all i can rlly say is u had to b there to understand. like bc of my neurodivergency i have trouble processing and explaining my feelings and music is one of the ways im able to illustrate it in a way that feels most genuine. and honestly at the time i hadnt even told them how i rlly felt yet cuz it jus didnt feel right but it was like one of those things where u can sort of tell the feelings are mutual yall jus aint say it yet. so this song was a lot of things. it was a confession, a show of affection, me reflecting on some past experiences, and it gave me the opportunity to rlly think some things out while also letting them out and it taught me a lot and it rlly made those lessons stick. so its all of those things combined that make me glad i made it and why im never gonna take it down regardless of things not turning out how i wanted it to.

i think thats all i have to say for now like usual ty if u actually read all this shit. this is a rlly personal subject for me obviously and im still sort of unsure of whether i should share this much but at the same time its a part of my music just as my music is a part of me so if im going to share my music im gonna share myself yk? idk if that makes sense i hope it does. ik im sort of makin myself vulnerable by posting this but its something ive wanted to talk ab for a minute so im doin it anyways.

[b1mbodoll]

bro why are there so many bitch ass fucking loser anons in your ask box atm tf is going on?? 'i'm fucking asking everyone and nobody is responding to me' maybe bc youre a weird fucking ungrateful and entitled creep but mh idk

the only thing i like about you are your writings 😠 nothing else 😠😠 and thats why i take precious time off my day to tell you how much i DONT care about you and how much i dislike you - LIKE HUH?? MAKE IT MAKE SENSE

+ THE BODY SHAMING??? IN 2023?????? THROWING AROUND INSULTS LIKE A FUCKING MANNN LMFAOOOO ARENT YOU EMBARRASSED

idk this whole ask just reeks of jealousy and envy likeee poor anon has nobody to flirt w bc nobody likes a disgusting piece of dirt like them )): poor anon has low self esteem and therefore tries to make a gorgeous gorgeous girl feel bad abt herself ))): poor anon is too stupid to google how to make gradient fonts )))):

anyway slay im so proud of you for finally standing up for yourself bc you let these mfs walk all over you for way too long!! also i hope you dont let these pointless insults get to you bc youre literally sososo sweet and important to all of us!! ily my pretty baby <33

(also also i didnt plan on writing a whole ass essay ksks it just happened oops im sorry 🥴🥴)

~🫧

so real and true like their ask genuinely made my jaw drop like how are you this bold and comfortable enough to be so disgusting to someone… like im not just a writer im a REAL HUMAN!!!! words hurt!!!!!

n yeah the fucking “i only like ur writing” was so odd like obviously you also like my blog theme too! since youre being rude and mean cus i didnt see ur previous ask abt it 😭

the body shaming was so… mind boggling idk T_T like idk im very insecure abt myself n the fact that they clearly have no regard for others feelings makes me sick like how can you just be gross and mean over the silliest things????? what????

literally ur so right like sorry anon that youre rude and mean and no one wants to be around that kind of energy???? but dont take it out on me jus cus my nonies r cute and sweet and adorable -_- n agh stop !!!! thank u for the compliments, sweetpea :( i adore u srsly

thank u for bein proud of me :D im quite proud too, im soso tired of people thinkin they can treat me bad n get away with it >:T ur important to ME btw my beloved lil bubble nonie <333 i love u sunshine thank u for sending me this <3 words cant describe how much this msg means to me :(

n ps pls dont apologize for sendin a “long” ask T_T i love talkin to u sweetie <3333 ur always welcome in my inbox n ill do my best to answer !

[magnoliamyrrh]

just in case i don’t want to talk abt this any more tw incest u could just delete this

horrific n downright wrong. i wanna say u n everyone else includin that anon did not deserve this n the collective u deserves so much more but i am so grateful seein people talk abt this. i was raised w the extreme pressure that my gen was goin to break the cycle of that type of abuse n i have to come to terms that we didn’t n that’s ok at least to me. it’s so hard to admit to n so impactful to say out loud but it’s what has to b done. it a type of trauma that’s been in my fam for many many yrs n i gaslight myself into believin that we broke it. i stayed in denial n tbh still am in denial bcuz it’s so hard to blame a fam member. esp for me a girl n a teenage girl at that. this isn’t always the universal reaction so there is no guilt if this isn’t the case or if it is but u still luv them no matter what they did it’s so hard to blame them. but sexual abuse is sexual abuse. i hope to god every day that when i have children that will b when the cycle is broken n it all stops but i will never put the verbal pressure on them the way my parents did. one of them was a victim of smthn v extreme so i do not blame them (there it is again) but it’s torture to feel like u let them down when u did nothin wrong. admitting is always the first step to healin. i’m so proud of u for talkin abt this n that anon n everyone else.

ya! i think even though its uncomfortable as hell and disturbing its important that we talk about it. thank you <3 im proud of everyone who pitched in too, and of you, thank u for sharing; its really not easy. i dont think this is the sort of thing we can heal from individually, you know? especially when its a cultural thing. theres so much shame and fear and repression surrounding this kind of stuff, and the only way were gonna heal from it is if, like u said, well start accepting it and talking about it

and yea youre right it is really hard. like my father crossed any possible line with what he did and he abuses his wife too and. i really just want him dead like i dont give a damn, i have to try to calm myself bc i get too focused sometimes on how much i actually want him to suffer. but even with him at times im like,,,, ,, eh but i still care abt him? i went through a whole phase where i felt like it was my responsabilites to help him or like heal him from how deranged he is lmao. but it doesnt last long. but with everyone else its different. (?) like. i realized like idk a year ago that uh yea my grandma did lowkey molest me and it actually made me feel fucking insane. i had no idea what do with it and i still dont?? and its fucked and definitely not ok but like...,,, we all pretend like its fine or just didnt happen i guess bc its,, normal? acceptable??? its weird as all hell, most of the time i just kinda try to not think abt it because i have no idea how to even feel abt the woman when i do. if anything as much as it definitely kinda fucked me up, im frankly way more pissed abt the physical abuse/beatings and endless insults and yelling and shit - like that actually probably did more damage to me. but still like idk yea i .. idk if i excuse it but i definitely explain it like oh she didnt know better etc etc etc. but that doesnt.. ugh it doesnt excuse it?? but i still love her and care for her?? its a fucking nightmare to try to detangle all that. and the shit w my mom too and other family members like uh yea it grosses me out and definitely got to me, this combination of being raised as property + controlling parents + sexualized + actually being whored out by father has k.o.d whatever mental sanity i could have had and it took me many years to.... idk. even start remotely working through all that. but. i still care abt them...?? i think the fact that its no longer happening and dont rly consider it on the same level as the shit w my dad makes it kinda different in my head but its still not fucking ok

and yea. definitely one of the hardest parts of it is being blamed for being uncomfortable/grossed out or even punished for being so when rly thats such a normal reaction to have to this shit. it is psychologically torturous and it is gaslighting and it rly fucks u up in the head..... and its really hard to get to the point where u dont feel like u did anything wrong or you werent to blame. i do presume that w this particular kind of shit tho a lot of it is that they probably went through similar stuff, internalized and repressed it, never dealt w it, and then just proceed to do the same

i hope to god too ill be different. i want to believe in both of us and this new generation that we'll do a better job. i think the fact that were even talking abt it shows some progress u kno. my mother and grandmother told me for many years that i wont do a better job than them and its just normal for kids to be raised w beatings and yelling and insults and controlling behavior and all that shit,,,, but. ive always been terrified of that. since i was little i knew if i ever had a kid i wouldnt want to put them through any of this. if i cant break the cycle id rather not raise a kid at all. at least for the past like year or two my mother has actually accepted that some of the shit she did wasnt okay and that she was abused by my grandmother too and..... apologized??? which was insane. so. idk. its been a long and weird fucking process. but. i dont think its hopeless

[pepprs]

today and tomorrow are gonna be the purest hell like genuinely and idk how im gonna survive them but i have to

[jockpoetry]

the best concert experience i ever had was seeing snow patrol live at the orpheum when fallen empires hit and the drums where inside me and i was outside myself

[frecht]

the way the singer says "forever howling at the moon" in howl by the family crest reminds me so violently of some song i must have liked in like early 8th grade but the time it's reminding me of is when all i listened to was supernatural fansongs on youtube (i know. i know) and chameleon circuit and i cant think of what it sounds like and it's driving me Mad

[nep-moved]

hfnfjdk lil venty ig?? idk what 2 think abt this :')) if nyall don't mind readin it could u?? tell me if i'm in the wrong here or perhaps what i should do fjdsk ;;