#bc i was talkin to myself the whole time ....

[jockpoetry]

do people have... a current favorite torrenting site

[hisfluer]

i've been thinking a lot about god & god as concept & god as the answer we as people need and one we made up to make the night go by quicker. and i've been reading books that talk about god and notgod and nogod and then living where i am right now where god is a threat and why that god lived when other gods died and i feel like i've come to a conclusion that i've come to many many times before because i just didn't want it to be true for me.

i don't think i believe in god as concept or as answer. i don't believe in there being something else beyond something more. i think the divineness of god makes god too distant. i live here, i live right now, i live in a world everything exists right next to me. god being far away does not ease any worry, doesn't make the night go by faster, doesn't make anything feel ... the way god is 'supposed' to make me feel.

and i've been wrestling for years to make god real to me. just believe a little hard, pray a little more, have more faith and more faith and more faith and i had so very little to start with that i'm out. i've got nothing left to put into the god machine.

but i'm not without my beliefs. god is just the one i can do without because i believe in me and i believe in spirit and i believe the earth is a mother and a grave. i believe that our ancestors are here with us, echoing the movement of our hands to the nth generation beyond. i believe in the magic of lighting a candle and i believe in the power of prayer ( faithless as it it might be. ). i believe that pomegranates are holy fruit and the act of love is a holy act. i believe the special rocks we pick up from walks are holy and the bird feather we see could be a sign or an answer. i believe in all of those things.

i just don't think i believe in god as concept, god as answer, god as the truth and i don't think i have for over a decade.

and i started this blog as a way to explore faith, to see if my god is actually a being from a long time ago that still has a name or if it's not. if craft was a way of worship or if i should just hang up the hat and move on. i would learn names but then my faith could not match what was expected, what i expected. you were supposed to be the answer, i say, to a god who was and is the answer for so many other people but sits very silent and very quiet for me. and i started this blog when i still believed in god with a capital G. or, i tried so very hard to convince myself i did. if i'm actually honest with myself, i haven't believed in god, capitals or not, since i was in my teens.

but then there comes the really fun part of wanting so bad, wanting so much that it borders on needing, to believe. i sang the songs, i chanted the chants, i prayed prayers, i sat quietly with myself and begged for a god, to the point i was asking for any god, to listen. and hearing no response really began to carve a hole that was shaped like god. like i could trace the shape and if i could just find the shape that fit, i would be complete. but no shape fit. even if i put two in there, they don't fit. three or four, nothing. one big shape just falls out because the hole was made by the absence of ... not the presence of.

and that knowing that i will probably never fill that hole, there will never be a god or a being or anything else that'll fit, is very lonely. and honestly, that loneliness is why i started looking in the first place. because talking to people is incredibly difficult, being with others is hard, being around people makes me feel empty because i see how full they are. i am so scared of the reality that i might die alone as the possibility of meeting someone romantically or making lifelong friends just becomes smaller and smaller every day and it's a terrible fear. it'll send you looking for answers in those blank edges of the map, the blank pages at the end of the book.

but after searching and begging and wishing and hoping and praying, my reality is that the only one in that room when i cry for god is me. it's just me. me sitting on the edge of the bed, crying until my chest hurts because i want so badly to know what that love beyond mortality everyone talks about but can't feel it. me writing letters to god with no answer, me burying sigils, me carving symbols, me trying to make an ancient statue mean more than stone when that's all i can see. it's just me. it was only ever me there.

and i tried. i tried very hard. one day, i might try again. but i've never let the idea of no god sit long enough for me to get to know what it's like to not want and wish and beg.

i also want to mention that i separate god from spirit. spirits, i believe, are much more real than god. spirit is life, everything and everyone has a spirit. i think that spirits echo. this is why i believe my experiences with ghosts & the dead / animal spirits / ancestors are all very real experiences because they are echoes. all spirits come from life but i don't believe god did. i would more-so believe a rock is holy because it was prayed to for centuries upon centuries and that you would go to this rock or this tree or this land to find guidance from the spirit (or spirits) that are there than i would believe that a figure sits above us all and holds the key to life if only we would believe in them.

god as great concept has been prayed to for centuries but there is no echo of god. this is why churches feel holy because the spirit of everyone who ever sought peace lives within the walls. this is why places within the woods feel holy because the trees live and their spirit will echo when the woods are long gone. this is why i ache when my parents tell me as we drive through their old necks of the woods that have all turned into residential or industrial land 'all of this used to be woods'.

and i sit by my river and feel how old he is and there's something living in it. i don't feel god there. it's just the river. and i am more like a river than i am like a statue or a painting. parts of the earth are more alive than others, feel different than others, hold more weight than others. you see a rock and remember that rocks can take thousands or millions of years to form in a process that doesn't need you. you see a stand of trees and feel that something very old and very ancient walked there ( and for all you know, you could be remembering. that splice of dna could remember being that old and that ancient and walking through those trees when they were saplings. )

god, however, needs you in order to exist. there is no god without me. but without me, there is an earth. there's trees, rivers, plants, and animals that all exist without me. there's even people that exist without me. generations of people that i will never know and they will never know and neither one of us need the other to live. there might be something terribly lonely in that but i don't find it as lonely as sitting on the edge of the bed, begging god to help and having no reply.

i could get the same result from the river and have a much better conversation. rivers and i both have mouths but god, in any form, does not.

and maybe this is why the river has a spirit, a form of life. and why the trees are described as having clapping hands, as dancing, as being alive. and why earth is described as a mother. and why we ache at the idea of hands drawn on walls thousands of years ago. maybe this is why i remember my grandmother when i make coffee and feel connected to that life she had because when in doubt, put on a pot. and my mother tells me that out of all her grandkids, she worried for me because i was a lot like her. i feel her spirit, her echo even though i'm thousands of miles away from her, and i tell it not to worry about me because i'll be okay.

( and a quick note is that which i could very well be projecting! i could absolutely just be telling myself something to make myself feel better! there is no hard or fast rules in faith or belief or they would be facts. no one can prove or disprove god. no one prove or disprove spirits. like my concept of spirits and life beyond is very fragile at best! but i have to believe in something just there, out of the corner of my eye. i have to believe in faerie tales, i have to believe in fantasy stories, i have to believe in the magic wand that creates the carriage out of the pumpkin because without it, i would be so empty. i would lose so much of my wonder and curiosity for the world because i would see no point. what point would i have to get up if i can't interact with the spirit of the earth, with the spirit of love, with the spirit of being alive, with the spirit of magic? i wouldn't have one. others can see right down to the flat world of explanation with no magic and live perfectly happy lives but i can't. )

those are things i can believe in. and god ... has nothing to do with those things, i think.

but i don't think i would do away with god as concept, as answer, as anything out right. there's a lot to be gained by knowing humankind put their minds together and said this what love looks like or this is what war could be or i am in need in help and my help comes from a man who looks like my father, like all our fathers, or the father i need right now. i wish to win the heart of fair maiden, and if god is good she will love me in return is something that has been say in so many years for thousands of years. there's that spirit of power in words like that, in prayers passed down, in singing your grandmother's favorite hymn or writing your 8's the way your father did or a thousand different wonderful, human things.

god as human concept is a lovely thing. i have a love that is beyond my body that only a divine being could have made it possible. god, however, as divine being beyond the scope of humanity just ... isn't something i can put faith in it. i can trust the river will flow, the tree will grow, the sky will turn from night to dark but i can't trust that god did that or wanted that or willed that to be. i don't see a divine hand guiding in that kind of wholly(holy) natural chaos.

some might! and that's what i love! i love that someone can look at a tree growing in the strangest of ways and rejoice that god can bless even if the trees. i don't see that but that doesn't mean their mind or thoughts or belief is any less than mine. and it shows me how the world is so incredibly faceted just between two people looking at a tree.

i just think i've pushed and begged and pleaded and prayed for god to be there for so long that i'm ignoring the actual answer that there's just no one in that position. that the position is and never has been filled by anyone because the divine creator, above all and beyond, just doesn't fit into how the world exists to me. it's just not there. i've been trying so hard to build a very human thing for a concept that by being divine is not human. the god-shaped hole can be filled, if imperfectly but filled all the time, by the wild concept of nature and the humanity therein.

so, that's where i'm at on god.

[twistedastrology]

i got beef with earth signs

----------------------------------------------------------

this is 100% gonna sound insane bc i know EEEEVERYONE loves their earth signs but good fucking GOD!!!!!!

lemme explain to u what is up. But also first i need u to know that if ur an earth sign, DO NOT TAKE THIS PERSONALLY 💔💔💔💔 there are many other factors at play here i dont just outright hate earth signs instantly but im not. Fond of them. the shitty ones anyway

ok so for starters, i have less than 1 earth placement in my whole chart (sun in 29° taurus that is Obliterated by the rest of my chart and made into 100% gemini), so im already not a big enjoyer of earth ofc

But lemme explain real quick-

capricorn is the most respectable earth sign to me, i generally love capricorns- virgo is 2nd place, they're usually chill- Taurus is 1,467,892,682,257,109,067th place.

so to be fair i mostly have beef with taurus But the other earth signs i got beef with too if they're garbage enough-

AND IK PPL ARE GONNA COME FOR ME so let me clarify immediately that i KNOW GOOD TAURUS PLACEMENTS- there are totally some tauruses that are super fucking dope, this is just a very broad statement im making n i am aware of that but Hear Me Out!!!!

i have pulled like a billion charts by now and ive noticed that people with serious issues, especially issues surrounding their self, have Mostly taurus placements.

these issues can be just about anything but it's Usually around their own psyche, like they dont know themselves fully and they lack drive or willpower.

and i know someone's gonna be like "well u just said ur sun is in 29° taurus" Ok well here's what's up- Im talkin abt taurus stellium kinda stuff, but in my case with my singular taurus/earth placement, yes i did actually have a period in my life where i didnt know myself and lacked drive, but i powered thru it God bless my saturn in 1st house 🙏🙏🙏

so ive begun to believe that where ppl love to say saturn is the great malefic, Taurus is actually the great malefic because it grounds an individual So Much that they cannot find themselves.

not to mention that earth isnt even a primary element- in the entirety of the universe, earth is incredibly finite and rare. it doesn't create itself, it's created by everything else like fire, water and air.

so this has actually sparked a theory in my head that i have put to test multiple times and it has held up every single time-

earth placements are like outlines waiting to be colored in by the rest of the chart.

what i mean by this is if you're a capricorn rising, but say you have like 1 billion aries placements, your capricorn will be colored in by aries, so you end up an aries-influenced capricorn (some of the best ppl btw)

or on the flip side, if you're a cap sun/mercury but you're a cancer rising, you're a cancer-influenced capricorn (also some of the best ppl when worked on bc ofc there's oppositions there)

this applies to all earth signs, but capricorn seems to be the most like- Easily influenced, probably because the cardinal energy makes them less stagnant.

as such, virgo is also influenced pretty easily because they're the mutable earth sign.

whereas taurus is much harder to influence because it's double earth (fixed + earth).

i think this is where the issues are with mostly taurus placements. if you have, say, sun, moon, mercury, saturn and maybe even uranus, all in taurus, the rest of your chart won't have a whole lot of room to influence the earth enough to make it like. Normal.

plus, earth is the only element that literally Does not move. earthquakes and landslides? Generally caused by activity of the other elements.

earth cannot move on its own, it just. Sits there.

water flows, wind blows, fire spreads, earth just... is.

plants Grow, yes, but only with the help of the other elements.

this is why i say you NEED placements in one of the other 3 elements in order to color or Activate your earth placement to make it Do Something, otherwise too many earth signs (very specifically taurus) in a chart and you might find it very difficult to Move in life, to find drive to do things, etc.

taurus is literally the epitome of an Obstacle. (again im talking about taurus the Sign in a Planet, not People who have taurus placements)

and i saw something a bit ago that said the worst sun and moon combo to have is earth sun, water moon- And i have either that, or double air- But the absolute WORST sun and moon combo in terms of Signs??? Taurus sun, cancer moon. Because that is literally immovable object vs unstoppable force.

to reiterate, i have seen plenty of healthy and lovely taurus placements, Melanie Martinez has her sun, mercury and maybe moon (bc it's 0° and im not sure if the time i have for her is super exact) all in taurus and i love her sm- but she's also a scorpio rising and has pluto in her 1st house which totally outweighs a lot of that taurus energy and transmutes it into what it should be.

to me, she is totally what taurus energy Should be. very artistic, gentle, slow-moving yes but not lacking drive or anything.

on the opposite side of the coin, we have jojo siwa, yknow Kammrmas a BICTH!!!! I SHOulda KNOWN EBTETETT!!!!! IF I HAAD A WIUSH I WOUDLEVVENEVVER E F F E D AORUDNDN!!!!!

she has sun, mercury, venus and north node all in taurus with her moon and chiron in capricorn, and she's a solid of example of what excessive taurus/earth placements Can do to someone- she clearly doesn't know what She wants because unfortunately she didnt get to be her own person because she grew up a child star- she grew into what her mom thought the people wanted to see, and now she can't get out of it

so she's trying to startle us with this whole karma rebrand fiasco because her jupiter is in leo and her rising is in aries- two fire signs, but not enough to outweigh the earth, especially because leo is fixed.

and with mercury in taurus, she literally cannot think about how to get out of it properly, she can't think outside the box because taurus is the box that mercury Despises.

i know all of this sounds a little (or very) biased or just dumb, but this is what I've legitimately observed in unevolved taurus placements-

earth signs as a whole ya im not a Huge fan of, but my mom is an aries influenced capricorn so id be lying if i said i absolutely hated all of them

and ofc awsten knight is a taurus rising with 99% capricorn placements, but his moon and saturn are both in air signs (gemini and aquarius respectively), and since saturn rules capricorn, that gives all of his cap placements an air/uranus influence (which explains why he's so peculiar sometimes but he's silly so it's ok)

jonathan davis is a sun/mercury capricorn and saturn in taurus, but he has so much of like every other sign that it gives the earth plenty of other elements' influence.

and again, these are mostly capricorns im talkin abt- If u wanna talk abt taurus specifically, my dad is a cap rising, taurus sun/moon/mercury, and he is the spitting image of everything i have talked about so far. he legitimately has no idea who he is or what he wants out of life, he has No driving fire.

so my bad if this came across as me just straight hating earth signs, i definitely dont, i just hate the super unevolved ones, especially the super unevolved tauruses 💔

and i say it almost every post But this is all my opinion, if u aint agree with it that is 100% fine, i got no beef with u fr, im doin my thing, u do ur thing, we do our own things separately n in our own lanes n we never bother each other 🙏

[rbvcdeluxe]

pinned post bc yeag

So, my name is Robert Bartolomeo but I have like, some nicknames ofc, I ain't tellin' 'em here rn. I go by he/him, I'm Mexican, transgender and I'm autistic with ADHD n OCD (send help). This is mainly a Starkid blog, some TCB and with the occasional mention of some other interests which are tbh quite some

I'd like to mention that if at some point I seem rude or mean, I promise it's not really likely (unless I state it myself or whatever). I just don't have the best wording or even vocabulary. I'm only a bitch irl but I'm more chill online I swear

If anyone wants to talk with me, feel absolutely free to do it. I would like to add that as normal as my typing seems when I post, I actually have terrible spelling n ton of typos when textin directly through DM or textin in general, even tho I still kinda try to be lowkey understandable but doing that kinda makes my typing slow so it is annoying but look im trying okaayyyyy.

Feel free to send asks about anything, either if it's jus for interaction or questions, I'm totally fine w it n I love talkin so yeah. Even if we are not mutuals, you can totally send asks. asks open at any time.

Anyone can ask for discord by DMing me btw

(more under the cut)

I'd call myself not so social (almost at all) but I do really, really appreciate when people wanna talk to me since socializing is a huge problem for me, so yup, everyone is welcome to interact with me.

Some of my interests are: Splatoon, The Good Place, Musical comedians (As in musical stand up and some comedy artists), some other musicals like Beetlejuice, Heathers, Jesus Christ Superstar and others. I'm also DEEPLY obsessed with Van Gogh, his paintings, his history and even other artists he was connected to like Paul Gauguin (who I fuckin' hate but I like learnin' 'bout him)

Going more deeply with my interest on musical comedians (since it's actually a pretty big term lmao), most of my interest goes to stand up musical comedians, those who are still on stage and off, like Bo Burnham, Tim Minchin, Tom Lehrer, Garfunkel and Oates, etc. But most of my interest goes to Bo Burnham and Tim Minchin, I can't physically be normal about them at all. I'm also in love with other works besides comedy some of them make or have been involved in, like movies and other projects. I LOVE Eighth Grade, Upright, Zach Stone Is Gonna Be Famous, and many others.

Also i think it would b silly to mention that my username are just the initials of my full name + deluxe. I just like the word deluxe so I put it there tbh (and it's also a reference to a song but shhhh you saw nothing)

Imma write some silly fun facts about me n shit now.

Back to Starkid: My two ever fuckin' favorite starkid musicals will always be Black Friday and TTO. I will defend those fuckers until the day I die ALONG with Cinderella's Castle. I cannot be normal about any of these shows. No one will ever fuckin understand BF as much as I do

I also love writing little simple analysis of some characters and even scenes I love, even if most of them I do not end up posting bc I either didn't like how I phrased it or I just think it could be way better (or maybe it's just too stupid). Something I find fun to overanalyze are the most unimportant shit to the lore in general, I like to think about the specifics of even one singular character, even if it doesn't change much about the lore of Hatchetfield as in general. I love every single little detail there is. (and by little I mean LITTLE. like, hey, did you know that during Feast Or Famine, Tom does the ‘Squee squee’ motion like this emoji🤌?? THAT KIND OF LITTLE DETAIL I MEAN.)

Yeah so like. As I mentioned this is a SK blog but I also like to fuckin complain a lot. about everything. Im a damn complaining bitch and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Either if it's fandom related or just every day shit, I will always fuckin complain.

More stupid shit. For some fucking reason (many (almost my whole life)) I fuckin relate to Barry fucking Swift (Barry is literally. like one of my few nicknames. It's insane) n. yeag. I'm not even surprised.

Oh and just thought I'll mention. I know im a fuckin asshole n a jerk I dont need fuckin reminders about it. thank yewwww C:

[intheholler]

So I'll tell you right away, I appreciate yall's blog and everthing you're doing to break down the stigmas that seem to dog us everywhere we go. I saw some people over here talkin bout not being able to go back home, and I feel that real close to my heart. I'm originally from Appalachia (WNC) myself, and I left just over three years ago now for the PNW. I'm unable to go back at the moment, but I sure do miss it ever day. Even for the people who gave me a hard time for bein queer and ex-christian and the whole bit- especially cause a lotta people were real supportive despite it all. Y'all are doin the good work.

hey neighbor!! WNC native here myself.

the last bit there is funny you should mention it bc i was literally just talking to another (appalachian) friend about how for every shitass racist repub asshole that the entire nation thinks solely populates this region, i have known 20 more people who are just like me. queer, non-christian left leaning individuals who are genuinely good people just trying to live and be good to one another, and to make the changes and break the curses where we can. hell ive even had christian friends who were genuinely christlike, loving individuals who were always kind to me even though i was visibly queer.

i hope one day you can return home if that's something you'd like to do. we ain't going nowhere <3

btw, thanks so much for the support. im very passionate (obviously) and i feel privileged to have somehow gotten the reach that this blog has garnered in order to start these conversations and do the work on a larger scale.

thanks for being here <333

[kann1bal1st1c-vvh0r3yummyyummy]

Hello and welcome to home being myself again, be afraid. Before reading this, I just want to make you aware, I’m sorry for any bad spelling, bad grammar or just bad English overall, I’m very dyslexic.

Sorry but not sorry for this :)

So I was thinking, yes I do that, why DO ppl ship Ted and AM together?

(Yes, thats a thing, it happens, I’m scared too, don’t worry.)

I thinking maybe bc of they think it’s funny or they are just a lil fucked up in the head? Or perhaps because people are so used to shipping Chell and GLaDOS?

(Yes, that is also a thing.)

But the thing is, AM and Ted’s relationship is EXTREMELY different. The only way GLaDOS and Chell SOMEWHAT work is because they had to join together in the second game to defeat Wheatley, who was blinded by power because he was extremely power hungry and throughout the whole game you can tell, acting smarter than us, boosting his own ego, getting us to like him. Yk that whole thing!

And if you really think about it, Chell and GLaDOS don’t work at all because they were forced to work together. Chell kills GLaDOS at the end of the first portal game then at the start of Portal 2 she reawakened GLaDOS, bringing her back to life. Multiple times GLaDOS tries to kill Chell. Then at the end of the game(portal 2) because Chell helped GLaDOS, GLaDOS let’s her go, completely lets her go free.

AM and Ted on the other hand, nothing like that happens, There’s no threat to AM, so he can’t be helped by Ted or anything like that.

And AM has to big of an ego to even accept that even happened and go back to torturing Ted  or would eliminate the other robot /AI or whatever before it becomes a proper threat .

And because of the torture, Ted would not help AM at all. He would ask to be killed by the threat that’s there. So he can escape.  

In the most realistic way ;

IF YOU GENUINELY SHIP EITHER TED X AM OR GLADOS X CHELL, IT WON’T WORK AND GET OFF MY PAGE!!!

UNLESS THEY ARE EXTREMELY OUT OF CHARACTER OR SOMETHING IN A FANFIC BUT IF YOUR TALKIN FULL CANON NAW GET OFF MY PAGE.

Oh and on a more positive note! Asks are open very soon! I can cover whatever you want! After this I will be posting a list of what I talk about + introduction of myself to my page and pinning it! I talk about things I like or important shit! It’ll also have my DNI list!

But thank you readers for your time if you even gave it and I’m sorry for this post once again!

Kann1, signing out for now! Bye bye!

[deadlanddd]

this is the art blog

so. erm. hi.

this is the art blog.

this is my blog where i will only talk about art but never post it lol. because i already post my art in places and i don't care enough to build an audience here. plus, it would be impossible to build up a new audience anyways. i know coming back here is silly, i'm sure it's very dead. but tbh i just needed another place to blog bc i didn't wanna code a blog my self. there's too many steps, like adding the artchive and navigation and blah blah i didn't wanna do that shit manually cuz i don't know how and i don't feel like figuring it out. but then again, i like the idea of coding all my websites myself. but then again again i know who i am, and i know i'm not gonna do that shit.

i've gotten off topic. which is a normal thing for me and happens on every blog i own. why do i have multiple blogs on multiple different platforms anyways? well uh i'm stupid that's all. and i have a lot of accounts on places and i don't fuckin use em so i'm like well hey my tumblr has been rotting for the past how many fuckin years i can totally use this for the art blog i wanna make!!! honestly, i would've made it on dreamwidth because i reeeeeeeeeeally like it over there, but i didn't feel like making a whole new account and then i'd have to log out of my other one every time i wanted to post.

hey, what was i talkin about originally? how did we get here???????]

so i'm gonna talk about art and art stuff and creativity and stuff over here. but not in like the nerdy way. well idk yet. i have a few ideas already of things i wanna talk about here which is why i wanted to make this thing in the first place. i have so many like...topics yk? that i just wanna word vomit about. i like blogging, and i like reading blogs. i like reading people talk about whatever it is they wanna talk about or show off a thing they made or talk about their day. it's like really wholesome? my favorite thing is to look at blogs from the 2010's because that's when blogs were like yk actual blogs and not like social media. it was cool.

OKAY. that's enough intro.

i doubt i'll be consistent over here. like my fnf blog for ex i will like pop in randomly like WWWWWWWOAH THIS MOD CAME OUT I PLAYED IT IT SUCKED LOL or something and will sometimes vanish for weeks or months. so yeah that's prolly what'll be like here.

at some point, i would like for blogging to complete replace my social media presence. if that's possible lol. then i could be as consistent as i want. and because well this is fun. dreamwidth is fun. neocities is fun. instagram is not fun. it makes me feel like shit. if building a whole new audience here wasn't so impossible then maybe i would post my art here. but for now. nah. i don't feel like it.

lalaland is on netflix. i've only seen it once and i remember hating the end. i'm gonna watch it before bed. goodnight.

[fizzbot]

I've been here forever trying to find other words to spell but i've got nothing, here's the rest of the questions i'd be interested in hearing your answers for :33 A B C D F H K M N R S T W X Z

SDKHSDJKSDFHLJK it was a noble effort, thank you babe!!!! o7

fandom ask game og post here!!

A - Ships that you currently like a lot. (They don’t have to be OTPs because not everyone has OTPs.) Friendships, pairings, threesomes, etc. are allowed. our textverse rp au has opened my eyes to so many amazing dynamics.....blitzker my babies <33333 even just their friendship is SO goddamn sweet, i love them <////3 (rewritten) stolitz has also taken up so much of my brain recently ofc since they are lterally so us for real :3 on a friendship note, rosie&striker??? probably my favorite duo weve come up with of all time, the lore is insane!!!!!! sjkdlfhsdjkf honestly ozzie&blitz has been unexpectedly SUPER sweet too, i love when they talk!!!!!! ROSIE X MIMZYYYY MY OLD WOMAN YURRIIIIII!!!!!!!!!! pen x baxter is still in the oven but. soon......

B - A pairing–platonic, romantic or sexual–that you initially didn’t consider, but someone changed your mind. i mean. rosie and striker. we spun a wheel for random character interactions and it changed our lives permanently. OH and romantically, huskerdust!!!!! i did not give a shit about them until you were like "i think we could fix them" one day and you were so right. we could. and we did :]

C - A ship you have never liked and probably never will. carmilla x velvet. velmilla they could never make me like you. OH AND CHERRISNAKE. get that woman a girlfriend stat!!!!!!!!!!!!

D - A pairing you wish you liked but just can’t. uhh. ksdfhksdf im not sure there are any?? MAYBE blitzfizz, but not in a "i hate this ship" way, in a "i just like their friendship more and find it more compelling" way

F - What’s the longest you’ve ever been in a fandom? i think it depends on whether or not it counts if we take breaks in between. like, some fandoms weve been into for like, months and months and months, and then we get out of it, and then we get back into it for EVEN MORE MONTHS........actually idk if it does, bc i think the answer either way is sam and max??? we were into that for like,,,,,,MOST of 2021/2022, werent we??? and we relapsed SEVERAL times!!!!!!!! fnaf might be a close second. unfortunately

H - What is your favorite source text for fandom stuff (e.g., TV shows, movies, books, anime, Western animation, etc.)? ooh,,,uhh,,,,it depends on a whole lot of things. i dont prefer media that is ongoing. so like, a series thats still running? i probably wont be able to get into it. which i know is hilarious since this is an hh and hb blog, both of which are ongoing. the LENGTH is also a big factor. like, id rather die than get into something like the simpsons, because i have a completionist in my brain that would mourn never being able to watch it all. for that same reason, i dont tend to like media thats episodic, like,,,,,spongebob is the best example i could think of jhksdfhjsd. i dont like shows/media that will do something as a gag, and then everything ""resets"" by the next episode. i need linear growth!!!!!!! books, depends on how long the series is. i like reading, but i just dont have the time to read huge series, and also its a bitch to find something if i need a specfic piece of info that i knew i read. like, the wfrr series is perfect, idk if i could do anything longer than that. movies are......ok??? theyre fine, i prefer movie SERIES tho, for more of that linear growth i was talkin about. and games ALSO fully depend on the length/what kind of game they are. i could never see myself getting into something like zelda, because theres SO much content with not enough consistency, but sam and max and monkey island hold a super special place in my heart. SDKFHJKSDFJHKSDF SORRY SORRY this answer was really really long winded. so im gonna say that my ideal media is a show thats short, finished, and maybe has some extra stuff like books or special features. like, gravity falls was my IDEAL fanom, not just for the nostalgia factor!!! it ticks all the boxes :]

K - What character has your favorite development arc/the best development arc? in our fix-verse, striker wins by a goddamn mile. rosie SAVED that man. in cannonnnn.....uhhh......holy shit, does any character have any arc at all???????????? JHKSDFHJKSDF HELLO???? WHY CANT I THINK OF ANY. fuck, i guess striker wins!!!!! congrats man!!!!!

M - Name a character that you’d like to have for a friend. im soooo obviously biased here but ive gotta give it to striker. we could complain about stolas together and i could tell him about the people who wronged me and hed be like 'want me to kill them for you?' and i could say yes. also i could pat his horsey on the head

N - Name three things you wish you saw more or in your main fandom (or a fandom of choice). women. just any women. give me a compelling arc for a woman that has no men getting their sticky hands on it. i have to think of two more things.....uhhh......i want more.....filler. especially in hazbin, i want the characters hanging out and bonding. we read the show bible ep pitches together and im still in mourning. charlie helpng baxter with his experiments??? huskerdust carnival date??? ROYAL PARTY???? MIMZY BECOMING A RESIDENT OF THE HOTEL??????? uhhh one more thinngggg......ummm......fat people. isnt it ridiculous that there are only TWO. FAT CHARACTERS. IN BOTH OF THESE SHOWS COMBINED. two!!!!! and one of them is a villain, and the other is meant to be disliked!!!!! i wonder if that says anything about vivziepop. /sarc

R - Which friendship/platonic relationship is your favorite in fandom? blitzker is up there, but right now the award goes to blitz/moxxie. they are SO. SO SPECIAL TO ME. and weve been sleeping on them all this time!!!!!!!!!! they are best friends in the whole world

S - Show us an example of your personal headcanon (prompts optional but encouraged) uhh. blitz ships appledash. i saw someone earlier say hed ship rarijack and it actually annoyed me a little HAHAHAJKHFJKLDSH come on, look at his goddamn horse ocs!!!!!! this man wants butch4butch horses sooo bad. he literally is rainbow dash. and he loves cowboys. uhhhh on a slightly more serious headcanon note, all members of i.m.p being at least a little trans is so so so incredibly important and special to me. t4t4t

T - Do you have any hard and fast headcanons that you will die defending? blitz is not a goddamn dom. stop making him the top in what is supposed to be loving stolitz art. he doesnt like it. he pretends to but hes lying. wheres that post thats like "when the character is putting on a persona in-universe and the audience falls for it". i have rambled about how much i hate this on this blog before and i will do it again

W - A trope which you are virtually certain to hate in any fandom. enemies/rivals to lovers.

X - A trope which you are almost certain to love in any fandom. friends to lovers!!!!!!!!! <3333333333333

Z - Just ramble about something fan-related, go go go! (Prompts optional but encouraged.) AUGHHHJHSKFHJKSD DONT PUT ME ON THE SPOTTTTTHSJKFHSDFJK!!!!!!! uhhhhhhh i hate vivziepop i hope she explodes but i hope she relases all the hb episodes first so we have something to riff on. the fact that full moon has been done for months and shes JUST now chosing to ""let it cook"" a little longer is driving me up a goddamn wall. she has been on VACATION. for WEEKS. and she gets back and is like "what if i delayed full moon even more :3". anyway if it drops on my birthday (the 29th) that Might be my last straw

[troph4eum]

Overcoming Toxicity

aight so 4 months ago i wrote this song called overcoming toxicity and i wanna talk ab it cuz it ties back to a concept in do you see your god in me but theres also other stuff i wanna talk ab in it.

heres the link for it

so if u listened to it its p obviously a love song and yeah its ab a specific person. we werent together or none but it was more than platonic to say the least. im ngl2u shit didnt work out which i always knew was a possibility which is why im not too fucked up ab it now (it did take a bit to come to terms w it tho ngl2u) but despite that im still glad i made this song bc it helped me solidify some things and a bunch of other stuff im gonna get into.

so before we rlly get into it bc this songs backstory involves another person im not gonna get into very specific details out of respect for them plus it aint yalls business to know everything. but ima jus say no crazy shit happened btw us causing some crazy falling out theres no beef or drama to be had ima leave it at that.

now that thats out of the way lemme get into explaining this song.

so a major theme in this song is running away and the idea of "it" being worth it. what this all stems from is when me and this person first met. we became friends and i noticed that it was insanely possible for me to develop feelings for them. and in all honestly that scared the shit out of me cuz i got trouble with trusting people and attachment. so as they tried to get closer i would ignore them sometimes and keep my space to prevent that. and listen ill be the first to tell u that im a fucking asshole for that and even knowing how everything ended up i still regret it bc they didnt do anything to deserve that. but bc of my own cowardice and refusal to be vulnerable i did it.

this all happened around last summer and after a certain point in time we just werent as close as we used to be. some time passed and in that time i stopped hanging around a lot of my friends thats where the "ran away from all my friends" line came from. the whole me not liking them in the first place bit is an exaggeration but i started to realize that their actions werent very fitting of my morals. or at least thats how im choosing to put it bc honestly its not serious enough for me to get into specifics. soon after that i started to realize how much of an idiot i was being and decided that i shouldnt be scared to commit to something just because it might not work out. which is something that yu yu hakusho (ik im a fucking nerd LMAO) reminded me of. so i started hanging out w them more. as time went on we got closer n shit theres a lot more to it but like i said that shit aint yalls business but like i thought i would i started to develop feelings for this person the more i got to know them. and it wasnt too much longer after that when i wrote this song.

so like just going thru the lyrics i feel like everythings pretty self explanatory but a few lines sort of stand out as needing a bit more context to be fully understood

thought i'd amount to nothin

cant lie thought i was bluffin i thought i'd never love again

i come back to u n ask myself if it was worth it god i hope ts is worth it always struggled w my purpose i jus scratched the fuckin surface yall dont know whats underneath talkin like this hurts my teeth n i thought i was gettin better but im yellowed from the grief youre too fuckin sweet

and then theres obviously the reprise of do you see your god in me which im saving for last

so honestly the amount to nothing, purpose, and surface lines all can be grouped cuz they deal w the same sort of topic. so i used to talk to this person ab my dreams and like the actual artistry behind not just my music but my thoughts and it was something we really bonded over and we both shared thoughts with eachother about interesting concepts and it was something we rlly admired ab eachother but like when it came to my music it always seemed like they rlly believed in me n shit n like i do struggle w my purpose a lot but when i was w them shit jus seemed so easy n so clear. and this is bc they seemed to rlly understand me n what i was saying (which if yk me personally or have read some of the stuff on here yk means a lot to me bc its some i struggle w w other ppl) they rlly made it easier for me to believe in myself and my ideas and motivations. and then when it comes to the surface shit its honestly just the truth i rlly have only just scratched the surface of what i wanna talk ab w my music w the songs i have out. this page actually lets me dive deeper and it defintely has the closest look into my mind thats publicly available but overall people dont know whats rlly underneath besides them. well ig now not even them cuz its been a minute since weve talked but anyways that rlly just means i need to get to work on making music w substance again so i can spread the ideas i want to express before its too late.

so what i was talking about with the bluffing part is bc when i first started talkin to them again i didnt know if i was rlly gonna stick to it cuz i didnt know if i had the capacity to love someone like that again. and then when i said i asked myself if it was worth it ts lowkey has a double meaning of like was it worth it to treat them the way i did back then (a rhetorical question obviously it wasnt) and then also asking myself if it was worth it to come back even though im risking myself by being in this vulnerable position. (spoiler but i think it was) which i reinforce by said "god i hope ts is worth it" and honestly i have a complex relationship with god that deserves its own post bc i have what i feel are interesting thoughts on religion that i could talk very extensively about.

and then the teeth part vaguely highlights the bitter sweetness of the whole situation and this is because of numerous complications that once again i wont be going into bc ts is nunya but at the same time when we werent concerning ourselves with those things shit was honestly so good. and the whole yellowed from the grief thing is just because i still felt stained from the time i lost something similar and i was still dealing with the effects of it. which also brings up me thinking i was getting better and the reason i named this song overcoming toxicity. i thought that by making this commitment i was finally done shedding all the toxic habits that i had that summer but now i realize that youre never really "better" youre just always trying your best and sometimes you relapse back into negative patterns of thought. now i didnt run from them again but there were other problems i had at the time that were arising that i was struggling to deal with mainly my paranoia and trust issues which at the time were unrelated to them. and like they were the one who told me that stuff ab regressing and honestly i wish i listened more and took it more to heart bc i was rlly spiraling over some shit that was triggering my anxiety and maybe i couldve come out of it sooner if i just listened more but i was too in my head.

now all thats left is the reprise and lowkey ima have to do this shit genius annotated style so lets get it

"i said ill fix it n wont run away"

so by now it should be obvious what i meant by this only that i wouldve been saying that to myself as an affirmation as opposed to a promise made to them

"ur born from adam too human for me"

so tbh we did have a lot in common just like as people but idk theyre just way more social than me and it felt like they related to other people more than i did. its something that i always struggled with. we both had trouble feeling understood by and understanding others but to me they seemed to relate to others more (which to me is different from understanding) idk maybe i was wrong for saying this and it was just my perception of them but thats just how i felt. this is something i wanna talk ab later in another post but i do often feel like everyone relates to me but i dont truly relate to anyone else. idk this line is a bit looser and has speculative meaning even from me the person who wrote it.

"existentialism and struggle for peace"

now this line honestly has so much depth in it bc existentialism and the "struggle for peace" are such layered concepts and honestly id just read about existentialism to get a grasp of what it is rather than have my tired ass explain it. but the struggle for peace is sort of what trophaeum is all about. and trophaeum has a lot to do with my life if thats not obvious enough.

"do you wanna be the god in me"

now THISSS is the heavy hitter when it comes to meaning. cuz HOLYYY SHIT. so first off youre gonna have to read the do you wanna see your god in me post to fully understand what im ab to talk ab so do that and come back heres the link

now just like "do you see your god in me" i had no idea what this meant when i said it and honestly even rn im trying to figure out what it means but it honestly just felt right in the moment when i said it so i stuck w it. but what i do know is that this question is not using the god in someone as described in the other post literally. if the god in someone is the person who exists in their mind regardless of all the external masks and lies that are told by themselves and others and to see that god in someone else is to truly understand and to hold nothing back from eachother then wtf does it me to be the god in another person??? theres no way to give it a literal interpretation to it without sounding way crazier than i usually sound so heres how ive come to understand it

its inviting someone to be one with you (and by extension you one with them) and live your lives without having the question of whether you understand eachother or not because u simply just do. its complete transparency between eachother. honestly its a lot closer to "do you wanna be with the god in me" but not only does that not fit the flow of the hook but i also wasnt rlly thinking ab it then. tbh thats sort of how much i came to understand it it might take me more time to rlly understand what i meant more. and now that everythings on the table you probably have a very valid question

jin why the fuck would you ask such a heavy question to someone you werent even fucking dating

and im ngl to u ur right ts is kinda crazy especially writing a whole song ab someone i wasnt dating but all i can rlly say is u had to b there to understand. like bc of my neurodivergency i have trouble processing and explaining my feelings and music is one of the ways im able to illustrate it in a way that feels most genuine. and honestly at the time i hadnt even told them how i rlly felt yet cuz it jus didnt feel right but it was like one of those things where u can sort of tell the feelings are mutual yall jus aint say it yet. so this song was a lot of things. it was a confession, a show of affection, me reflecting on some past experiences, and it gave me the opportunity to rlly think some things out while also letting them out and it taught me a lot and it rlly made those lessons stick. so its all of those things combined that make me glad i made it and why im never gonna take it down regardless of things not turning out how i wanted it to.

i think thats all i have to say for now like usual ty if u actually read all this shit. this is a rlly personal subject for me obviously and im still sort of unsure of whether i should share this much but at the same time its a part of my music just as my music is a part of me so if im going to share my music im gonna share myself yk? idk if that makes sense i hope it does. ik im sort of makin myself vulnerable by posting this but its something ive wanted to talk ab for a minute so im doin it anyways.

[b1mbodoll]

bro why are there so many bitch ass fucking loser anons in your ask box atm tf is going on?? 'i'm fucking asking everyone and nobody is responding to me' maybe bc youre a weird fucking ungrateful and entitled creep but mh idk

the only thing i like about you are your writings 😠 nothing else 😠😠 and thats why i take precious time off my day to tell you how much i DONT care about you and how much i dislike you - LIKE HUH?? MAKE IT MAKE SENSE

+ THE BODY SHAMING??? IN 2023?????? THROWING AROUND INSULTS LIKE A FUCKING MANNN LMFAOOOO ARENT YOU EMBARRASSED

idk this whole ask just reeks of jealousy and envy likeee poor anon has nobody to flirt w bc nobody likes a disgusting piece of dirt like them )): poor anon has low self esteem and therefore tries to make a gorgeous gorgeous girl feel bad abt herself ))): poor anon is too stupid to google how to make gradient fonts )))):

anyway slay im so proud of you for finally standing up for yourself bc you let these mfs walk all over you for way too long!! also i hope you dont let these pointless insults get to you bc youre literally sososo sweet and important to all of us!! ily my pretty baby <33

(also also i didnt plan on writing a whole ass essay ksks it just happened oops im sorry 🥴🥴)

~🫧

so real and true like their ask genuinely made my jaw drop like how are you this bold and comfortable enough to be so disgusting to someone… like im not just a writer im a REAL HUMAN!!!! words hurt!!!!!

n yeah the fucking “i only like ur writing” was so odd like obviously you also like my blog theme too! since youre being rude and mean cus i didnt see ur previous ask abt it 😭

the body shaming was so… mind boggling idk T_T like idk im very insecure abt myself n the fact that they clearly have no regard for others feelings makes me sick like how can you just be gross and mean over the silliest things????? what????

literally ur so right like sorry anon that youre rude and mean and no one wants to be around that kind of energy???? but dont take it out on me jus cus my nonies r cute and sweet and adorable -_- n agh stop !!!! thank u for the compliments, sweetpea :( i adore u srsly

thank u for bein proud of me :D im quite proud too, im soso tired of people thinkin they can treat me bad n get away with it >:T ur important to ME btw my beloved lil bubble nonie <333 i love u sunshine thank u for sending me this <3 words cant describe how much this msg means to me :(

n ps pls dont apologize for sendin a “long” ask T_T i love talkin to u sweetie <3333 ur always welcome in my inbox n ill do my best to answer !

[jockpoetry]

like oh a horror movie about artificial intelligence in the form of a child to be a companion/toy/used by children

groundbreaking.

sorry i just started mthreegan and two things 1) so brian jordan alvarez is just in this and none of you said anything smh 2) oh this is just eva

[magnoliamyrrh]

just in case i don’t want to talk abt this any more tw incest u could just delete this

horrific n downright wrong. i wanna say u n everyone else includin that anon did not deserve this n the collective u deserves so much more but i am so grateful seein people talk abt this. i was raised w the extreme pressure that my gen was goin to break the cycle of that type of abuse n i have to come to terms that we didn’t n that’s ok at least to me. it’s so hard to admit to n so impactful to say out loud but it’s what has to b done. it a type of trauma that’s been in my fam for many many yrs n i gaslight myself into believin that we broke it. i stayed in denial n tbh still am in denial bcuz it’s so hard to blame a fam member. esp for me a girl n a teenage girl at that. this isn’t always the universal reaction so there is no guilt if this isn’t the case or if it is but u still luv them no matter what they did it’s so hard to blame them. but sexual abuse is sexual abuse. i hope to god every day that when i have children that will b when the cycle is broken n it all stops but i will never put the verbal pressure on them the way my parents did. one of them was a victim of smthn v extreme so i do not blame them (there it is again) but it’s torture to feel like u let them down when u did nothin wrong. admitting is always the first step to healin. i’m so proud of u for talkin abt this n that anon n everyone else.

ya! i think even though its uncomfortable as hell and disturbing its important that we talk about it. thank you <3 im proud of everyone who pitched in too, and of you, thank u for sharing; its really not easy. i dont think this is the sort of thing we can heal from individually, you know? especially when its a cultural thing. theres so much shame and fear and repression surrounding this kind of stuff, and the only way were gonna heal from it is if, like u said, well start accepting it and talking about it

and yea youre right it is really hard. like my father crossed any possible line with what he did and he abuses his wife too and. i really just want him dead like i dont give a damn, i have to try to calm myself bc i get too focused sometimes on how much i actually want him to suffer. but even with him at times im like,,,, ,, eh but i still care abt him? i went through a whole phase where i felt like it was my responsabilites to help him or like heal him from how deranged he is lmao. but it doesnt last long. but with everyone else its different. (?) like. i realized like idk a year ago that uh yea my grandma did lowkey molest me and it actually made me feel fucking insane. i had no idea what do with it and i still dont?? and its fucked and definitely not ok but like...,,, we all pretend like its fine or just didnt happen i guess bc its,, normal? acceptable??? its weird as all hell, most of the time i just kinda try to not think abt it because i have no idea how to even feel abt the woman when i do. if anything as much as it definitely kinda fucked me up, im frankly way more pissed abt the physical abuse/beatings and endless insults and yelling and shit - like that actually probably did more damage to me. but still like idk yea i .. idk if i excuse it but i definitely explain it like oh she didnt know better etc etc etc. but that doesnt.. ugh it doesnt excuse it?? but i still love her and care for her?? its a fucking nightmare to try to detangle all that. and the shit w my mom too and other family members like uh yea it grosses me out and definitely got to me, this combination of being raised as property + controlling parents + sexualized + actually being whored out by father has k.o.d whatever mental sanity i could have had and it took me many years to.... idk. even start remotely working through all that. but. i still care abt them...?? i think the fact that its no longer happening and dont rly consider it on the same level as the shit w my dad makes it kinda different in my head but its still not fucking ok

and yea. definitely one of the hardest parts of it is being blamed for being uncomfortable/grossed out or even punished for being so when rly thats such a normal reaction to have to this shit. it is psychologically torturous and it is gaslighting and it rly fucks u up in the head..... and its really hard to get to the point where u dont feel like u did anything wrong or you werent to blame. i do presume that w this particular kind of shit tho a lot of it is that they probably went through similar stuff, internalized and repressed it, never dealt w it, and then just proceed to do the same

i hope to god too ill be different. i want to believe in both of us and this new generation that we'll do a better job. i think the fact that were even talking abt it shows some progress u kno. my mother and grandmother told me for many years that i wont do a better job than them and its just normal for kids to be raised w beatings and yelling and insults and controlling behavior and all that shit,,,, but. ive always been terrified of that. since i was little i knew if i ever had a kid i wouldnt want to put them through any of this. if i cant break the cycle id rather not raise a kid at all. at least for the past like year or two my mother has actually accepted that some of the shit she did wasnt okay and that she was abused by my grandmother too and..... apologized??? which was insane. so. idk. its been a long and weird fucking process. but. i dont think its hopeless

[pepprs]

today and tomorrow are gonna be the purest hell like genuinely and idk how im gonna survive them but i have to

[frecht]

the way the singer says "forever howling at the moon" in howl by the family crest reminds me so violently of some song i must have liked in like early 8th grade but the time it's reminding me of is when all i listened to was supernatural fansongs on youtube (i know. i know) and chameleon circuit and i cant think of what it sounds like and it's driving me Mad

[hausofmamadas]

Hell, lately whenever Angel showed up your door had not only been closed, but also locked.

The way I cackled so much at this bc just likefksjla angel’s disbelief that someone would lock their doors like that being a surprising thing to him is just absolutely the type of beautiful-tropical-fish behavior we pay to see heresksk

The sudden nature of both your appearances had you both cursing in surprise. You hugged the box in your hands tighter to your chest as your half-yell turned into a sigh of relief mixed with exhaustion.

SKJFSKJKJNOOOOOO BUT YOU DON’T EVEN UNDERSTANDFKSJDFLKJ THE WAY I WENT FROM 0 TO 1000 BC I WAS EXPECTING THIS TOGET IMMEDIATELY DARK AND HE WAS GONNA ACCIDENTALLY FRIENDLY FIRE AND FATALLY SHOOT READER SKKSKS THAT’S THE TORTURE I THOUGHT YOU DECIDED TO SUBJECT HIM TO

Your gaze dropped to the box you were holding, the seams of cardboard and tape suddenly more interesting than you would’ve ever imagined they’d be.

The seams of cardboard tape????????okay????????we’re getting fuckin descriptive and literary asf here straight away, i see you

Clearing your throat, you gave a shrug that accomplished nothing in terms of softening the blow of, “I’m leaving.”

OHHHH BUT YOU KNOW I LOVEEELKFSJDLSJD THIS when an action is used as almost like an adjective to describe a line of dialogue, like it really does such a good job of evoking exactly what the dialogue is supposed to sound like also lowkey I do that all the time and I’m 99.99999999999% sure I stole it from you ngl

He backpedaled out your doorway and back onto your front step. “Don’t do that. Don’t say my name like that, like I fuckin’ matter to you.”

DONTSAYMYNAMELIKETHATLIKEIFUCKINMATTERTOYOU IMEANNNASLDKFJSDJTHEWAYYYI CAN FULLY JUST HEAR IN MY MINDS EYE bc it is so fucking angel, it is crystal clear, it could be ripped from an actual script that’s how angel-fucking-reyes this is

It was an argument you’d been planning to have over the phone, an argument you were hoping would happen when there were more than a few area codes between you.

When there were more than a few area codes between you … i can even explain why???? I’m obsessed with this. It's just the coolest, most inspired way to say far away that I would never think of myself. Like cue me with my tiny glasses? ✓On✓. Tiny, detective pad? ✓Out✓. Scribbling notes furiously until my wrist hurts so bad I have to start screaming “my hand, my hand is CRAMPING MRS PUFF MAKE IT STOPPPPPP " ??

✓✓✓you betcha yes✓✓✓. 

His brows came together, offended and confused. “What’re you talkin’ about? It’s always been us.” 

Nosdflksjl bc I was about to rant about hwo there’s no way that’s true, unless he’s saying it to EZ or someone in the club which Reader is evidently notttttttt but then I don’t even have to bc Reader does for meskdjfls

It’s been you, chasing around every girl who stumbles into that clubhouse and then running back to me when you get bored of them. It’s been you going out being reckless with the club and then coming to me when you need someone to patch you up, someone to tell you that you’re right and they’re all wrong. It’s been you coming to me whenever it’s fucking convenient for you … And it’s been me fucking letting you.

When i tell you half the time it took to write this screamblog was devoted just to me going back and forth about which sentence to choose from this until i realized i couldn’t decide and just yolo-pasted the whole thing insteaddfjslksdkfjskdj and the reason for the struggle is bc this is such a fantastic rant that I wish someone had actually said on the show. Bc it just speaks to so many things, it speaks to angel's childishness, his himbo tendencies, his inability to view relationships beyond the physical and emotional caretaking he gets from his partner no matter how temporary that partner is .. BUT!!!!!! OKAY !!!!! BUT!!!!!!the most gutting part is, “it’s me fucking letting you,” bc my, it is A Rood Awakening when you get however many years into a relationship, tally teh ways in which you feel you may be taken for granted, and realize not only have you not been supported the same way you support your partner, but you’ve perpetuated the dynamic to the point taht you’ve lost yourself until you wake up one day feeling totally, existentially disassociated like, “i am an actual stranger, wow.” And like, it’s not wild to assume that I’m projecting here, but likeslfkja; let’s just say you captured the feeling well and it’s almost worse than being mad at the other person bc it’s like, “why tf have I been accepting this, how have i wasted so much time?” without realizing, it might've never occurred to you to leave bc you prob knew on some level that this would be the outcome: just angel wahwah-boo-hoo-ing on your front porch 

He’d set you loose in the scrapyard when your anger bubbled up so much that you needed to break something because it was the only alternative you had to hurting yourself or someone else

OMGOMKASJDFKS THIS DETAIL isquealed at bc it’s so unexpectedly romantic, him inviting Reader to go nuts when they’re homicidally angry to fling around scrap metal. It’s such a unique little… god idk even wtf to call it, relationship ritual? Whatever it is, it’s a true stroke of genius. Side note: breaking something when you’re really mad is one of the most cathartic thingsever. Back in my early 20s, I was in this gnarly on-and-off relationship for a year and a half where homeboy would do some infuriatingly trifling shit about every 3 mos. And I had a friend at the time who remodeled old computer towers, and every once in a while would find one that was too fargone. So when The Boy would pull his fucked-ass emotional shenanigans, we’d take the computer towers to a scrapyard like 5mins from my house, and pound that shit to smithereenssdkfjl with a baseball bat. 10/10 do recommend

He had his arms wrapped around you in such a way that you couldn’t even effectively hug him back. You just pressed your cheek against his hoodie, helpless to do anything else.

Once again on another fucking LEVELLLLLLLL with the descriptiveness here, like I know exactly what this looks like, okay. It’s that kind of like Tall-Man Bear Hug, where youre the little brother in A Christmas Story, walking in the snow, complaining bc his winter clothes are too thick and he can’t put his arms down. Only in this case, instead of winter clothes, it’s like Tall-Man Biceps™️ that make it so you can't put your arms down. And combined with the fact that he’s also lifting you off the ground bc again, Tall Man Tings you prob look like a starfish that got railroaded by a coral reef, which I realize sounds like a euphemism for some strange kink no one’s ever heard ofskdfjskskjf like so:

You scoffed, more tears spilling down your cheeks. “I’m sure that’s what EZ told Gaby, too.”

OOFTHISCLAPBACK which yes, i recognize isn’t really a clapback, it’s just honest, like that is absolutely what EZ told Gaby way back in the day i know i’m not the only one with the gif receipts to prove it but you bet your bottom dollar that shit bit like a clapback. If I felt it like i got metaphorically punched in the dick, you know Angel felt like he actually got punched in the dick. 

Angel was carrying around all that guilt but he hadn’t been the one who pulled the trigger. That was all EZ. That was all the guy who had promised to keep Gaby safe.

THE GUY WHO HAD PROMISED TO KEEP GABY SAFE ONCEMOREFORTHEPPLINTHEBACK CUZEZREYESISBEYONDTRASH IMTALKINGRAWSEWAGEATTHISPOINT 

He sniffled, trying to stuff his emotions back down where he used to keep them so comfortably.

Ughhhhsildfj;alksjd;fskdfkskdfjksksksks this is such an incredible way of phrasing this and I can so see him liek it’s giving very, “no, eye’m not crying, YOU’RE CRYING. *wipes nose with sleeve of flannel*”

He tried to get his expression to harden, give that tough, neutral gaze, but he couldn’t get it quite right. “I shouldn’t’a come here.” He shook his head. “Should’a let you run off with no goodbye the way you wanted.”

GODDILOVETHIS BC IT’S SO ANGEL, AND HOW DO I KNOW THAT?????????????BC IT MAKES ME WANT TO GRAB HIM BY THE EAR AND DRAG HIM TO THE TIMEOUT CORNER, IT MAKES ME WANT TO GRAB HIS SHOULDERS AND SHAKE HIM SO HARD, IT KNOCKS A FEW EXTRA BRAINCELLS LOOSE BC HE’S BEING SO CHILDISH. The only thing that's missing is a full “*sticks tongue out* oh noo, no, you’re not breaking up with me, eye already broke up with YOU, so HA!!!!!!!!!! IN YOUR FACE.” The way he’s managed to turn this back around on Reader is very much the The Reyes Bros' brand. And as much as I was screaming, “DO IT!” into my phone when Reader said come with me, it also hit me like, in order to have the maturity/common sense/understanding to leave, he would’ve had the maturity/common sense/understanding of why Reader made the decision in the first place and that's not what he comes to this conversation with, okay, like he did not come correct skfjsk so ofc he flips the script bc it's way easier than admitting Reader might be right about his (in)ability to keep them safe. Like acceptance of his limitations is equivalent to confirmation of The One Thing he’s always feared which is not being good enough even tho accepting your limitations and doing what you can to improve and/or mediate them is actually the thing that makes you a more capable person but itsfineitsfineitsfine wtf do I know

Then it got quieter the farther he rode. Then it was silent again. And all you could do was walk back inside to get the next box, leaving the door open behind you.

Mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, now I’m just sitting here like GODDAMMMIT ANGEL, GET YOUR FUCKEN SHIT TOGETHERSKSKJDKSJ but also if you can’t get your shit together, atleast kill your brother bc he’s legit a rabid dog at this point and should prob be euthanized but sssssshghhhhhh

Never Been Us

Angel Reyes x F!Reader

Warnings: 18+, language, angst, mentions of character death

Word Count: 3.1k

A/N: the way i've been so blocked up and unable to finish fics and somehow i finished 2 in the last 2 days. no idea where it came from but I'm not questioning it. i started and finished this tonight. throwing it out there before i can second-guess myself lmao

When Angel rolled into your driveway and saw your front door open, the first thing that went through him was panic. You’d never been the type that was stupid or reckless enough to leave your front door open. And with the way that things had been going in Santo Padre, what with the club and the cartels and Border Patrol moving in, you were less likely than ever to leave yourself so vulnerable. Hell, lately whenever Angel showed up your door had not only been closed, but also locked.

Putting the stand down on his bike, he left his helmet hanging off the handlebar and started making his way towards your front door. He’d pulled his gun from his kutte before he even had one foot on your front step. He kept his breath trapped in the back of his throat as he clutched his gun tight. He kept it pointed down towards the ground for now, but he was ready for that to change.

He stepped through the threshold, one boot hitting the paper-thin throw rug just inside your door. It hardly muffled the sound. Before he could bring the other half of his body into your house, though, you popped up, quickly coming around the corner.

The sudden nature of both your appearances had you both cursing in surprise. You hugged the box in your hands tighter to your chest as your half-yell turned into a sigh of relief mixed with exhaustion. All of the emotions that just shot through you were evident as ever as you said, “What the fuck, Angel?”

His eyebrows were still practically in his hairline as he tucked his gun back away again. “The fuck you got your door open for? Had me thinkin’ someone fuckin’ broke—” He cut his own sentence off as he really took in the sight of you, the box in your hands that was hastily labeled BEDROOM. “What…?”

The confusion on his face made you unable to keep meeting his eyes. Your gaze dropped to the box you were holding, the seams of cardboard and tape suddenly more interesting than you would’ve ever imagined they’d be.  Even though you weren’t looking directly at him, you heard the way he was shifting in the doorway, looking back at your pickup truck. You knew he’d see the other boxes you’d already stacked in the bed of it. You weren’t quite done loading up yet, but you were getting there.

He waited for you to look at him again before asking, “What’s going on?”

There was only one answer to his question, and it was an obvious one. But you knew that if the shoe was on the other foot you’d be doing the same thing—you’d need to hear him say it. Clearing your throat, you gave a shrug that accomplished nothing in terms of softening the blow of, “I’m leaving.”

His frown deepened, confusion transforming into hurt that almost had you rethinking your decision to get the hell out of Santo Padre. “L-leaving? You can’t…you can’t just leave.”

“Angel—”

“Nah,” he shook his head, “nah you don’t get to do that. You can’t just leave. You didn’t even—were you even gonna tell me?”

The lump in the back of your throat felt like it was on the brink of choking you. “Yeah.”

“Before you crossed fuckin’ county lines?”

Tears stung your eyes. “Angel, please.”

He backpedaled out your doorway and back onto your front step. “Don’t do that. Don’t say my name like that, like I fuckin’ matter to you.”

“You do—”

“You’re leaving me. You can’t stand there with your shit all boxed up,” he gestured to you and the bed of your truck, “and try to tell me I fuckin’ matter to you.”

There was no getting out of this argument now. It was an argument you’d been planning to have over the phone, an argument you were hoping would happen when there were more than a few area codes between you. You didn’t want it to be like this—not because he didn’t matter, but because he mattered too much. And you knew that if you had to look into those sad, puppy-dog eyes and tell him that you were leaving, and if you had to tell him why, you just might hang it all up and not leave at all. You couldn’t afford that.

There was no avoiding the argument but you didn’t want to do it while standing there holding a box that had books and trinkets from your bookshelf packed inside it.  You slipped past him without a word and walked down to your truck. Angel didn’t follow, hanging back and watching as you set the box on the tailgate and gave it a strong push to send it sliding and landing right alongside the others.

When you walked back past him and into your house, that was when he decided to follow you. He shut the door behind the two of you, following you through your now essentially empty home. It was strange for him to walk through your living room and not see all of your picture frames and plants, the art prints that had covered your walls. You stopped in the kitchen, leaning back against the counter and facing him. You watched him look around, take in the fridge that was no longer covered in magnets and photographs and takeout menus. No more dishes in the sink or drainboard, no more succulents on the windowsill. Seeing it all empty made him remember that you were just renting this place anyway, that you could pack up and leave whenever you wanted. And now you were. Then the hurt and anger swelled up in his chest again.

“Why?” he asked.

You let out a hollow laugh, raking your fingernails along your scalp before letting your arms fall back to your sides again. “You’re really asking me that? This…this town is fucked, Angel. You know that. I know you’ve been waist-deep in your shit with the club but…but that’s the exact type of shit I’m talking about.”

“This town’s always been fucked, querida,” he tried to argue, tried to pepper in a pet name like it would change anything. “What’s so different now?”

The answer to that question made bile creep up your throat. You didn’t think that you could say it to him. Not the real answer, the raw unedited cut of it. “Everything,” you answered, a shake to your voice that was never there when you talked to him.

“C’mon,” he said, tone softer than it had been this entire time as he stepped in towards you. “Don’t leave me like this. Don’t do this to me.”

“This isn’t just about you.”

“No, it’s not,” he agreed. He put his hands on your hips, pulling himself closer to you. His voice dropped to something just above a whisper. “After all the shit we—”

“We?” you cut him off, not yelling but your tone cutting nonetheless. “We? You’re choosing now to start throwing that word around?”

His brows came together, offended and confused. “What’re you talkin’ about? It’s always been us.”

You laughed, a cruel sound as tears prickled along your waterline again. “Oh, has it? It’s always been us?”

“Yeah, what’re you—”

“It’s never been us, Angel. Never. It’s been you, chasing around every girl who stumbles into that clubhouse and then running back to me when you get bored of them. It’s been you going out being reckless with the club and then coming to me when you need someone to patch you up, someone to tell you that you’re right and they’re all wrong. It’s been you coming to me whenever it’s fucking convenient for you.” You pushed him away, a half-hearted shove. “And it’s been me fucking letting you.”

“I—”

“And I would’ve been fine still doing that. You know that? Fucking sad, but I would’ve done it. Would’ve just kept right on pretending that it was enough, or that it was going to change. But then—” you stopped short, still not able to spit the words out. “I just can’t do it anymore, Angel.”

Despite Angel’s lack of ability to really commit, to really let himself be with you in the way that you really wanted, he’d always done his best with what little he had for you. Over the years he’d been your shoulder to cry on, his flannels becoming tissues for you. He’d set you loose in the scrapyard when your anger bubbled up so much that you needed to break something because it was the only alternative you had to hurting yourself or someone else—even gave you the gloves and safety glasses to do it the right way. He’d kept the other side of your bed warm when you were both feeling lonely, making the lines defining what you two were really start to blur.

He’d been there with you through all of that and yet he hadn’t ever seen the emotion saturating your expression now. He’d never seen you so afraid. Your arms were crossed tightly over your chest, fists clenched as tightly as you could manage. Your leg bounced no matter how much you tried to will it to stop. He’d never seen you like this. How had it gotten so bad?

He stepped in close to you again. Placing his hands on the outsides of your arms, he gave you a light, reassuring squeeze. “What’s got you so scared?”

You shook your head, staring down at the floor because you couldn’t make yourself look at him. “I can’t.”

“What?”

“I can’t stay here. I can’t be comfortable here. I’m not…I’m not safe here.”

He brought one hand up to cup the side of your face. His thumb traced gently along your cheek in a way that made your bottom lip tremble. “I’ll always keep you safe, querida. You know that.”

He sounded so earnest but you knew too much now to be able to believe it. You’d tried. God, you had tried so hard to buy into that the last few weeks but you just couldn’t fool yourself. “I don’t.”

“What the fuck happened?”

Tears finally made their way to your cheeks, racing along the lines of Angel’s hand as it remained holding your face. You didn’t want to say it. You didn’t even want to think about it, but it’s all that was playing through your mind. Truthfully, it was the thing that had been playing through your mind every day since it had happened.

You could still hear it so vividly, the sound of him pounding on the door to your house. It hadn’t been his bike engine that woke you up, it was his aggressively frantic knocking on your front door. Looking back you were surprised that he hadn’t slammed it clean off its hinges. You were also surprised that you hadn’t tripped and fallen half a dozen times on your way to the front door from your bedroom because your eyes weren’t fully open and you weren’t anywhere close to fully awake.

“Alright, alright!” you half-shouted from your side of the door. You dumbly fiddled with the locks until they came undone.

Angel practically threw himself through the door. He was haphazardly grabbing for you, leaving for you to try and untangle yourself from his long limbs just to be able to close and lock the door again. You’d hardly heard the click of the lock and he was pulling you tight to him. He had his arms wrapped around you in such a way that you couldn’t even effectively hug him back. You just pressed your cheek against his hoodie, helpless to do anything else.

“Talk to me,” you said, managing to free one of your arms so that you could do your best to return his embrace.

He mumbled something into your shoulder, words that you couldn’t make out. He finally pulled back away from you, far enough so that you could see his face, the smears of blood that disappeared into the coarse hairs of his beard.

“It’s all my fault,” the words fell from his lips, raspy and choked as he repeated the sentence over and over again. “It’s all my fault. I, it’s all my fuckin’ fault.”

“What’s your fault, Angel?”

The sound of you saying his name got him to look at you, tears in his eyes and worry creasing his brow deeper than you thought was possible. His stare was so sad, so intense it had you pinned to the spot. Even when he pulled away from you, you felt like you couldn’t step in close to him again, feet glued to the floor. That was when you saw it, though, all the blood standing his palms and fingers.

You swallowed hard, what little exhaustion had still been clinging to you completely froze away. “Angel, talk to me. What happened?”

He looked down at his hands and then back at you. he knew what you were seeing, could only imagine what you were thinking. “I didn’t—it wasn’t supposed to go down like that. I tried to save her but I couldn’t…”

You finally forced yourself to move. You collapsed the distance he’d put between you. “Who?”

“Gaby,” he forced out, shaking his head in disbelief as he did.

Fear shot down your spine. “What?”

“It’s all my fault,” he said again. “I shouldn’t have—I tried to—fuck,” his voice cracked and he gave up on trying to say anything else.

You had wanted more answers in the moment, but back then you hadn’t been able to ask for them. Instead you cleaned him up. You threw his clothes in the wash. You let him slip underneath the covers next to you and keep you wrapped up so tightly for what little was left of the night that you couldn’t even fall back to sleep. The next morning he was still there, eyes hollow as he made a pot of coffee in your kitchen. That morning he was standing almost exactly where he was standing right in front of you now.

Forcing yourself to stay in the present, you finally said, “You know what happened.”

He shook his head. “I don’t.”

“Everyone’s fuckin’ dying, Angel. I, I don’t wanna be next.”

“Hey, come on now. You know I’d never let that shit happen to you.”

You scoffed, more tears spilling down your cheeks. “I’m sure that’s what EZ told Gaby, too.”

Angel flinched at that, immediately deflating. You had never brought it up again after that night. Neither did he. Weeks went by and the two of you seemingly went back to normal, like that entire night had never happened. But it did happen. Gaby was dead—that part you knew. What you didn’t know, what Angel hadn’t told you, was that EZ was the one who had killed her. Angel blamed himself, especially after EZ had told him what his final conversation with Gaby had been, why he had decided it was the only thing to do. Angel was carrying around all that guilt but he hadn’t been the one who pulled the trigger. That was all EZ. That was all the guy who had promised to keep Gaby safe.

His voice was a whisper as he spoke, like he didn’t even fully believe himself. “This ain’t like that, though.”

“But it is,” you said, voice shaking. “Or it will be. That’s what this town, this world,” you rested your hand on the flash stitched into his kutte as you said it, “does. I can’t keep feeling like I’m on borrowed time.”

He sniffled, trying to stuff his emotions back down where he used to keep them so comfortably. “So you’re just gonna leave, then? Run away?”

You knew he wanted an argument. Being angry was so fucking easy. You didn’t want to give into it. “If it keeps me alive, then yes. I lo—” you stopped and switched course, “I care about you, Angel. But I’m not looking to die for anyone. I’m not…I’m not made for this.”

He was holding your face with both hands now, palms that just a few weeks before had been coated with blood. “Don’t leave me like this. Please.”

“Come with me.” It was your final offer, one you hadn’t planned on extending until the words were tumbling out.

He shook his head. “Don’t.”

“Come with me.” You rested your hands on top of his. “Get out and away from all this shit. We’ll start over.”

“It ain’t that simple.”

You threaded your fingers with his. “It is. Pack up your shit and throw it in my truck. And we’ll leave. That simple.”

He pulled his hands away from yours, stepping back from you again. Shaking his head, he brushed his hand quickly across his eyes—erasing any hint of tears and emotion that had been there until then. “I’m not running just ‘cause you are.”

“Maybe you should. Or maybe,” you shrugged helplessly, “maybe it was never about me—not for you, anyway.”

That gave him pause. He tried to get his expression to harden, give that tough, neutral gaze, but he couldn’t get it quite right. “I shouldn’t’a come here.” He shook his head. “Should’a let you run off with no goodbye the way you wanted.”

“Angel—”

He took another step back, getting himself closer and closer to your front door one stride at a time. “Go ahead, then. Get the fuck out—away from this town, away from me. Fuckin’…fuckin’ go.”

He turned on his heel and kept walking. It took a few seconds to will your feet to move, to go after him. Even with his long strides you were able to catch up before he reached the door.

“Angel.” You stepped in front of him. “Stop.”

You saw the mist in his eyes. Still, he tried to keep his voice sharp. “You’re leaving. No point in me staying here to watch you pack up the rest of your shit.”

You opened your mouth to try and say something else, try to conjure up something that would get him to change his mind. He didn’t let you. Pushing past you, he ripped open your door and stormed out of the house. Maybe it was just as well—it wasn’t as though you were going to come up with a magical string of words to get him to leave with you. Still, the impact of his shoulder slamming against yours hurt far more on an emotional level than it did on a physical one.

Turning, you went out onto the step. Your lip began to quiver as you watched him throw his leg over his bike and get ready to peel off. The sound of the engine seemed deafening, and you wonder how it hadn’t woken you on that night weeks ago. Then it got quieter the farther he rode. Then it was silent again. And all you could do was walk back inside to get the next box, leaving the door open behind you.

Angel Reyes Taglist (If you want to be added to any of my taglits, please let me know!): @withmyteeth @garbinge @darqchilddaydreamz @narcolini @justreblogginfics

@winchestershiresauce @rosieposie0624 @kelpies-shed @beardburnsupersoldiers @proceduralpassion

@artemiseamoon @fanfic-n-tabulous @justazzi @danzer8705 @camelia35

@cositapreciosa @choochoo284 @crowfootwrites

[nep-moved]

hfnfjdk lil venty ig?? idk what 2 think abt this :')) if nyall don't mind readin it could u?? tell me if i'm in the wrong here or perhaps what i should do fjdsk ;;