#bc i just cant bring myself to give a shit anymore everything is nothing and pointless!!

[beardisable]

how do i get out of feeling and acting like a victim without berating the shit out of myself about feeling like this and making me feel worse. all I've learned in therapy and psychology is that i need to be kind to myself to feel better but if im being awful i dont deserve that kindness do i !!! then how the fuck do i escape the cycle and not be a sitting piece of shit and actually do something!?! rraaghh!!??!?!

[mieczyhale]

tua s2 made me fall out of love with tua and that’s just how it is

like i still love the content, s1 and the comics and stuff, but there was just too much about s2 that...wasn’t good. or was disappointing. cringe and not in an entertaining kind of way. they tried too hard with the music (the soundtrack was good but it by no means had the same power as the one for s1), underutilized or ignored main characters, little to no character development, gave one character all the power (listen there as literally no reason for vanya to be THAT powerful AND be able to control it - not after the *gestures to entire show*. plus she had powers that weren’t her powers. no. you have seven main characters who all have original powers. fucking USE THEM) they had no business not only wasting but ruining klaus the way they did - he was fan favorite ffs how do you NOT take that into consideration?? AND YOU HAVE SOURCE MATERIAL!! USE. IT. FUCKING USE IT.  

ahhhh tua season one (1) my beloved

i tried really hard to love it - and did convince myself to for awhile, bc tua means so much to me and i didnt want to be disappointed about it - but the fact is: i am. like so incredibly lmao i don’t tend to back off in a fandom, even during a hiatus, unless given a good reason to not care anymore. i haven’t read a tua fic in months, i dont get involved in the tua discord (clowns, if u see this, i love u) and that’s like also for anxiety reasons but also bc i have nothing to say about this show. the fic i had started posting probably wont get worked on anytime soon (i’m a whump / hurt / comfort / angst lover and writer. s1 gave me plenty of inspiration and thoughts. s2? i mean.. there’s some. but it’s SO different from s1 my connection to the characters emotionally is gone. i cant write trauma i don’t feel attached to, karen, and i can’t write about characters i haven’t extensively analyzed. i mean idk maybe i can but i don’t really want to. drunk!me might try some time, that bitch DOES things, but otherwise.. not really my cup of coffee) i have no desire to make or consume content for it anymore-

maybe my feelings on *gestures to this entire post* will change when we actually start getting stuff for s3 (and i fully intend to watch the third season, even though i couldn’t care less about the stupid sparrows - one bad season isn’t enough for me to totally give up on it) but right now - and for the last several months.... the only love i have for the umbrella academy lies with season one and the comics. i don’t even care about getting more klaus - THAT’S how bad it is!! y’all know i love that motherfucker, we identify the same - i got some of his tattoos, our fashion sense is just Like That. he is baby. but rn i don’t give a shit about any of it or him. bc s2. 

not saying s2 didn’t have it’s good things, its humor and whatnot, but it wasn’t enough to make up for everything else (and there’s a lot. this post mentions only a few things bc i didn’t even intend to make this post or get into any of this - real talk, i only meant to post the first sentence and then a vague short paragraph maybe. just to make my point, bc i never did acknowledge my backing away from tua and the fandom. but now it’s a lot of words and i’m not re-reading it! if i do my ocd will keep me here for hours and i have housework to do and dinner to make so)

dsl;fjsd;lfs

k so i could have maybe typed out more, made a little more sense, connected my thoughts and wrapped it all up with a nice bow, but my brain is Stopping. no more thoughts, not even in the empty void i go to when i make posts. just The End.

so i leave this incoherent overview of thoughts with the following::

s3 please don’t fuck up challenge

s3 please give me my dysfunctional family back

s3 please know literally anything about your characters

s3 please give the gays some fucking happiness and bring dave back. klave is forever no matter what but we’d all love to have our boys reunited (and still in love thanks. if you separate them i’ll put your balls in the toaster and your fingers in the garbage disposal. your head?? oven doors. they hurt.)

[mousehole5000]

wow i made this draft on november 1st i really took a break from this huh anyway tgcf chapters 121 - 142

i realize now this coffin scene was inevitable. feel kinda weird about hua cheng  back and forth from Teen to Big Man but it is very funny that theyre having their “dude dont look at my boner” moment while in the jaws of a water dragon

pei ming: why didnt you guys make a bigger coffin so you didnt have to squish together like that? xie lian: haha yep!! anyways what brings you here?

“In the grand, spacious centre of the entrance hall sat a person. And this person, dressed in all black, its face snow-white—was a corpse! Instantly Xie Lian shut the doors soundly.” - king of minding his own business.

okay this is where i stopped putting notes here for a while but i did save some in my e-reader so here’s some of the highlights

“Guzi used to have a good sleeping form, but perhaps with his cheap dad’s bad influence, now he was also spread out on top of Qi Rong’s stomach like a dead fish. Lang Ying himself was curled neatly in the corner, and was covered by a few shirts. Xie Lian lifted the blanket covering Qi Rong, suppressed the urge to smother his face, and covered the two small children.” - xie lian funny moments. also it would be really funny if qi rong redeems himself by learning love through these misfit chiildren and it might actually endear me to him but i hope that doesnt happen

Every heavenly official was yelling, and even Ling Wen was throwing a fit. “DON’T THROW EVERY BIT OF USELESS INFORMATION MY WAY, HOW MUCH DO YOU THINK I HAVE TO GO THROUGH EVERY DAY? DON’T YOU ALL KNOW TO USE YOUR BRAINS A LITTLE BEFORE ASKING ME?!” - ling wen marry me right now

“An expression like “seen a ghost” that only mortals experienced was now showing on his face for the first time. Shi Wudu’s pupils shrank to the smallest they could, and he blurted, “You’re still alive?!” “I’m dead!” He Xuan said coldly.” - okay everythings going tits up rn but i did laugh

i did see spoilers re: ming yi/he xuan reveal + shi wudu’s fate beforehand so i dont have a genuine reaction other than oh shit

“He slowly enunciated each word. “I won’t touch your fate. But, here in this place, chop off your brother’s head for me.”  CLANG! He threw a rusty blade onto the ground. Shi Qingxuan stared at that blade, his eyes wide. He Xuan continued, “Then, never show yourself before me again, and I will pretend you’ve never existed in this world.” - okay idk what else is going to happen but rn im concerned that this is like the 2nd biggest ship. i guess we’ll see?? i mean i am really curious whats going to happen to them. shi qingxuan keeps calling he xuan “ming-xiong” and i... sad

shi wudu im not really invested in you as a character but these next two bits... interesting

“If I don’t die but have nothing, then that’s truly a fate worse than death. If I’m not the Water God, I can’t take care of you. I won’t even be able to protect myself. I’m scared that we won’t even last two days…TAKE IT!” - damn. something about the wealthy losing everything and not knowing how to live without it bc thats their entire life and identity

“EVERYTHING I HAVE TODAY, I FOUGHT FOR MYSELF. I WILL FIGHT FOR WHAT I DON’T HAVE. I WILL CHANGE FATE I DON’T POSSESS. MY FATE IS UP TO ME AND NOT THE HEAVENS!” - okay so the whole committing spiritual fraud by tormenting a man and his family to get your brother a cushy title thing aside this was kind of badass. heretical? possibly. but still. also is he intentionally riling up he xuan so sqx doesnt have to kill him? if so damn...

also okay as long as im here im just gonna say it. the choice that he xuan gives shi qingxuan is fucking brutal but i actually think its probably as fair as it could be. sqx didnt know about or participate in what happened to hx but they did benefit from it greatly while hx lost EVERYTHING and i can understand he xuan’s thinking of “if you really feel bad for what happened to me then you have to make a sacrifice and understand the suffering and this is as clean as its going to get” and theres a bit where sqx is trying to beg for mercy but cant get the words out which im guessing is bc theres no good argument!! what happened was fucked up!!

“When Pei Ming saw that reinforcements had arrived, he didn’t appear particularly delighted; instead he threw the sword into the ground, then rubbed his nose and said, sounding grim, “You all just had to come just as I finished making these, what the heck.” - pei ming making coffins chopping down trees with his sword i love it #wastehistime2k17

“Xie Lian brought that basket of eggs along, and gave them away as souvenirs from the mortal realm. Many who received the eggs were overjoyed; some deciding to eat it along with their own blood, and some proclaiming they would hatch an eight-foot monster.” - GHOST CITY GHOST CITY

“Placing the brush down, he blew lightly at the ink and smiled. “If I like something, then my heart will not have room for any other, and I’ll always treasure it. A thousand times, a million times, no matter how many years, this will not change. This poem is the same." - thats nice and all but king... get therapy. i actually have further thoughts but tbh i dont want to put them into words bc they are simply too personal! moving on

didnt take any notes but somewhere in here was the bit with mount tong’lu opening and hua cheng losing it and kind of um. hm. that scene. thats another trope i really hate tbh i dont care for it as a way of including physical intimacy between characters and idk if it really ever adds anything but whatever moving on

The Half-Maquillage Woman - kind of interesting monster idea bc women and aging…. yeah. however i think this would be a lot stronger if there were a) more girls and this was b) discussed or illustrated at all prior to this moment. still interesting that its included knowing the author is a woman tho and there’s been comments on how ling wen is perceived vs pei ming. this book does keep giving me hope for interesting female character arcs i really want it to deliver something

quan yizhen..... i get u

lmao i have a note on a bit with lang ying that says “please dont be hc in disguise” and..... my clown nose was on but at least i knew that. for real this is bothering me how much he’s just. always. there. i know he’s a lead but we didn’t really need him around for a lot of this. oh well.  okay now to my current notes

“Yet it was precisely because it wasn’t cooked that it had to be eaten quickly. Once Xie Lian cooked it, it wouldn’t be edible anymore” - fucking fantastic

“Xie Lian hugged his belly. “Of course! Only after having met you did I rediscover that it’s such a simple thing to be happy, hahaha…” Hearing this, Hua Cheng blinked. Xie Lian’s laughter quieted a bit, realizing what he just said was a little too revealing.” - okay i know i said what i said about being tired of hua cheng being everywhere but... the line…. the fact that theyre laughing together…. :pleading:

“It’s not,” Ling Wen said. “At least, I believe, there will definitely not be another in history who can create a dish called ‘Incorruptible Chastity Meatballs’” - and truer words were never spoken

“I, DO NOT WORSHIP GODS. “I, AM GOD!” - this was every bit as badass as i hoped but no one told me it was immediately followed up by a little bit of the ol dinner theater fjalkdsfjsd. also puqi shrine noooooooooo

“Xie Lian sighed as he thought, “Qi Rong has taken Guzi away, who knows if the poor child was eaten or abandoned. Wind Master...... ..... who knows if Black Water took him away. Pray they’re both safe.” yeah hey are we going to fucknig. find out what happened to the child???

and yeah i dooooont really care for the age regression? thing thats going on. i just dont like that trope tbh. but tiny hua cheng whipping out his fat ghost king wallet in the store was funny tho. it is really funny that hualian are just like wandering around some random towns while the heavens are in an uproar. i guess theres not much else to do but its funny

“Me too, me too. You all know of my shixiong, right? Talented, with an infinite future! He only had one small vice: he loved playing women. Decades ago, a little prostitute ghost seduced my shixiong and sucked him dry into human jerky, and that Hua, Hua, Hua, that ghost king dared shelter her.” - yes omg give me the forbidden hua cheng lore i love this for him for real it goes along nicely with xie lian’s principles about giving another cup. god i love shared values

“Hua Cheng poked again, and a small hole appeared on the wall, as if the wall was made of tofu.” - how’d he do that. why is this a ghost king power. its useful tho

*me shaking qi rong when he pops up* WHERE IS THE CHILD

mu qing fu yao is here okay im happy now. once again no one has a good grasp on their secret identity and i love that. this inn has descended into chaos and im delighted and im glad lan chang is back

“The good ol’ kitchen was suddenly squished and crowded, loud and noisy. Fu Yao was chasing that fetus spirit leaping up and down, Lan Chang was chasing after Fu Yao like she had gone mad. Half of Qi Rong’s face changed shape by the way Xie Lian was pressing him down on the chopping board, his back turning into a target for those yellow talismans Fu Yao hurled while being observed by a crowd, and Lan Chang would step on him from time to time.” - this is pure chaos. i love that mu qing was in that room when the mob checked and he didnt say a word didnt open the door just sent out a talisman as a warning. king your disguise is transparent

“Xie Lian remembered the way Feng Xin laughed until he was hoarse when he first heard that verbal password all those years back, and couldn’t help but feel nostalgic, even though it wasn’t the right time.” - awwwww omg im emotional about this... faithful friend feng xin laughing at xie lian’s stupid joke password and remembering it!!! ;_;

“They have, but they’re not effective,” Feng Xin said. “Usually they’re the most diligent in scorning the Palace of Ling Wen, like they could do the job way better if they had the position. Now that we need them to take up the task, not a single one can do even half of what she does.” - typical... typical typical typical

also emotional about the fact that feng xin contacted xie lian at all.....

also!! emotional about lan chang as a mom and wanting to help out sick lil guzi.....

xie lian forcing “fu yao” to let him help “his general” is making me.... what is friendship if not playing along with your buddies little shenanigans while also making them accept your help

“Someone like Mu Qing, even though he’s narrow-minded, petty, sensitive and skeptical, has a bad personality, constantly guessing, doesn’t say nice things, likes to nag, always offending people and has a lot of people who dislike him, has no friends, can remember small, unimportant details for a long period of time…” ”Xie Lian went on in one breath with a straight face, but in the end he concluded with, “...But I’ve known him since we were kids, after all, he’s still got principles.” - XIE LIAN PLEASE AFJDLKSFJDL omg ive seen this quote before but i figured he was talking to someone else not actually to mu qing himself fgjasdkfjsl. god thats amazing. hey im gonna help you out because i care but i will roast you first <3

waaaaaait so is lan chang aka jian lan that girl from book 2 we took a page to talk about and then disappeared? that has to be it why else would we have stopped to discuss her

“Jian Lan spat on his face, then choking his neck, she slapped him twice again. “WHAT SHITTY SUPREME! YOU SURE KNOW HOW TO BLOW YOURSELF UP! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, THINK YOU’RE EVEN WORTH TO BE THOUGHT OF AS EQUALS WITH THE OTHER THREE SUPREMES? WHAT ARE YOU EVEN GOOD AT? YOUR THICK SKIN? OF COURSE I DARE HIT YOU!” - oh this feels so good i cant lie. YES GET HIM!! CHOMPING AND VIOLENCE YES!!!!

okay this description of cuocuo.... im... that sure the hell is a creature

this book is so entertaining bc i already saw spoilers for the feng xin/jian lan/cuo cuo reveal and yet i could never have predicted the circumstances that brought it about. imagine being feng xin. the heavens are in an uproar and your only friend/enemy has been jailed for possible fetus spirit-related crimes but he escapes along with this female ghost who keeps causing problems. you figure “fuck it lets see if dianxia kept his old phone number” and he has but then he hangs up on you. you’ve got fuckall else to do so you go find him. mu qing is there but he’s in his disguise the two of you were using so you could watch over his highness while staying aloof. you think you see hua cheng only he’s a chiild for some goddamn reason but who knows at this point. the female ghost is also there and theres a fetus spirit climbing trees and biting your arrows in half. you realize the female ghost is your ex and the little demon is your son. it bites you. what do you do

amazing that despite everything going on everyone is still playing along with the “fu yao” persona when it would probably be easier to drop pretenses at this point. then again tbh if i could explain my actions to my friends while pretending to be a third party.... i probably would so.. carry on

“With all his devotees gone, only Feng Xin still treated him like the Flower-Crowned Martial God and His Highness the Crown Prince. ” “...his protection charms were all seen as trash. However, Feng Xin was still determined and tireless in handing them out; telling Xie Lian, look, you still have devotees.” “After all, he was the darling of the heavens since birth, high and mighty. Feng Xin so naturally spun around him like he was the world, so how could he possibly have his own life, his own heart” “Whether or not that fetus spirit was Feng Xin’s son, if it was that period of poverty that made Feng Xin lose the girl he loved, Xie Lian wouldn’t be able to forgive himself no matter what." ohhhh my god this relationship i. im...

oh my god i still have 30 more chapters until book 4............ its naptime now i think

[jawnjendes]

bonus: why is their luck in a deeply sad moment? | shawn mendes

some type of au idk man, shawn x goth ex gf

WARNING: there is talk of death and suicide in this chapter. read at your own risk.

AN: i cant squeeze this into the next big fic nor can i fit it into shawn meets bc everyone hated it so its a bonus in the gg story lmao also im starying the Next Big Fic in a few days :)

masterlist | annalise’s playlist

2026.

"Sometimes I think about the what ifs,"  Ann said, “but I like where I am. I like what I’ve made for myself.”

Shawn had to invite her over to his house a second time, because the first time left him with many questions unanswered. He couldn’t be mad at what she said, though. He was in the same boat; he liked the life he made. You know, without the crushing loss and run in with the supernatural.

“Well, I’m happy for you,” he told her, and he really meant it. “I’m glad we were able to successfully do our own things straight after breaking up.”

“Nothing like filling the void in your heart with work!” Ann replied with a giggle. She moved a strand of hair behind her ear, and that’s when Shawn noticed something.

He took her hand and noticed a tattoo on the side of her middle finger: The Triforce.

“You got inked?” he asked, impressed.

“Oh, that’s nothing,” she replied, grabbing her sleeve to roll it up.

There was a sword on her inner arm. It was varying in shades of blue, and it also had the Triforce on it. Shawn recognized it as the Master Sword from the Legend of Zelda games.

“All this is is proof that I’m a nerd,” Ann said as she rolled her sleeve back down. “I notice you have some more ink also… and that you still wear shirts half buttoned.” She pointed to his chest.

Her finger poked the exposed skin. It shouldn’t have been as tingly as it was. Shawn smiled and placed his hand over his chest.

“More than just that,” he told her. “But I can’t show you all of them.”

Maybe it was a little risky to say that. Shawn would have taken it back if Ann’s cheeks hadn’t gone a shade of pink.

“I could say the same thing…”

Shawn quickly came to learn just how many tattoos Ann had gotten over the years. A snake and tombstones on her other arm. Feather on her collarbone, roses on her shoulder. A quote reading, “...but I’m not anymore” with stars around it on her ribcage. Something on her wrist that Shawn didn’t catch because he was busy pressing his lips to her hips and taking off her pants, where he found another tattoo. “Lucky you.” He certainly felt it.

Everything about their time together was so familiar, so easy and almost home-like. Ann’s skin touching his. Her lips perfectly molding over his. The quiet, needy gasps they both released into the bedroom. It was like going back in time, and they were in Shawn’s Toronto apartment instead of his multimillion dollar condo in LA. It was soft and slow, despite Shawn pinning Ann’s arms above her head. He didn’t outgrow that particular move, and she still seemed to like it.

Shawn had never been happier to have been on a break more than now. Most one night stands in the past began and ended very quickly, because he was on tour or in between interviews or on a break for one day. This was one person that he didn’t want to leave behind. They lied down, sweaty and dazed, facing each other. It was silent, but not awkward. Everything had a nice haze around it.

That was also when Shawn finally made out what the tattoo on Ann’s wrist was. He picked his head up in confusion.

“Is… are those torches?” he asked. “Upside down? Just like mine… and are those my initials?”

It was simple line art, less intricate than his own. Torches in an X, with “SM” right below them. Shawn has been floored many times, and this was no exception.

Ann picked her head up as well. “It’s not what it looks like.”

Shawn looked down at his chest, his torches were exactly the same, sans the initials. He wanted to give Ann the benefit of the doubt, that this wasn’t some creepy fangirl thing. Some of his one night stands ended up like that, and it wasn’t exactly easy to forget.

“It’s for a friend of mine,” Ann explained, sitting up and covering her front with the blanket. She took note of the look on Shawn’s face. “Keeping someone’s light on beyond death, remember? I assume yours is for someone too.”

They were both sitting up now, and Shawn relaxed. However, he only relaxed a little bit because now it was time to get deep.

“Mine’s for Brian. He died last year.”

Ann’s face fell. “No. Brian, your best friend? Brian, the one who constantly took the piss outta me?”

He nodded. “He was… there was an accident. Flight of stairs. Instantly killed.” It was all lies, but no human would understand.

A hand went over his, squeezing. “I’m so sorry. He just, he just fell down some stairs?”

“A lot of stairs. I don’t know I guess he was running or something. There was no way to save him. People in the house heard the crash, but by the time they found him - when I found him - it was too late.” He had told this version many times, enough times to where he could almost believe it himself.

“Fuck, man. That’s… that’s fucking terrible,” Ann said sympathetically. “But I seriously can’t believe you just told me that.”

“Why?”

“Because now I have to tell you that mine is for Stella. Those are her initials.”

Stella Martinez. Now Shawn felt a little stupid… but surprised, and he was met with a sinking feeling in his stomach. He couldn’t believe it for a second, but it fully processed in his head, and his heart began to break.

“Stella from college? Stella, who was your literal opposite and also your best friend?”

Ann solemnly nodded. Then she looked down. “She… she killed herself.”

Shawn was stunned into silence, the tightness in his chest only intensifying. The entire time he knew Stella, she was always so positive and bubbly. She was the opposite of suicidal. That’s why it was such a shock… and so sad. Oh god, who was going to tell Camila?

“When did Brian go to the other side?” Ann asked after a moment.

“A year ago last month,” Shawn replied. “And Stella?”

Ann raised an eyebrow. “Two years ago last month...”

It was a strange coincidence, but still upsetting. Both Shawn and Ann lost their best friends at the same time of the year. The urge to spill everything was thick in the air. Still, neither of them said anything for a while.

Instead, Ann reached down to the floor to pick up her clothes. Shawn’s eyes were stuck on her and that was when he spotted another word on her back. Nightmare. Small font, right shoulder blade, surrounded by a cluster of skulls. Then, he realized what she was doing.

“Are you leaving?”

She looked up, bra in hand. She was quiet as she put it back on.

“No. No, I’m not going anywhere.”

And she crawled back into bed. She made the point to keep a distance from Shawn, who was still naked. He was on his side, looking at the woman before him. Only Ann could have sex with him and bring up the subject of death. That brought a new point to mind.

“How do you enjoy death?” he asked. “I think I’ve asked you this before, but after losing someone and attending their funeral, I’m having a hard time understanding your perspective.”

Ann took a deep breath, looking up at the ceiling. “I don’t enjoy the act of dying. People die every day in horrible ways. People mourn and fall into depression because of death. That’s not something to enjoy.”

“So what’s your deal with it?”

“I’m just embracing the face that it’s inevitable. I do that for myself. I will die eventually, or tomorrow-”

Shawn made a face; he didn’t like that thought.

“It doesn’t make it any easier when someone I know goes,” Ann continued. “You’d think with all the research I’ve done it would be. The ones we love leave this mortal plane, and all they leave is their absence. And that alone is a lot to process.”

“What’s the hardest part?”

“The what if’s.”

Shawn asked because he really wanted to know more about what happened to Stella. He had to know the things that led up to the tragedy, mostly because he knew Camila would ask for details, even if they were hard to hear.

He figured he should spill his side first.

“The last thing I said to Brian was to get the hell out of my room,” he began. “We were fighting, fighting over something so fucking stupid, and I was so pissed at him. That was our last interaction. He fell down the stairs because he was trying to find me in this big huge mansion…”

Ann sat up a little bit, hand over her chest. “Here?”

“Oh no, not here. I was staying at a friend’s house in London for a work thing. Place was huge, easy to get lost in,” Shawn clarified. “Brian, Andrew, all of them were leaving back to Toronto and I didn’t want to go just yet. Part of it was because I was still pissed. Maybe if I had run into him first before he fell… If I hadn’t kicked him out of my room a few nights prior… If I was less of an asshole…”

“Maybe you would have slipped on the stairs,” Ann told him. “Maybe you guys would have had an even bigger argument later that would have ended your friendship. There’s no way to tell, and sometimes that’s what sucks the most.”

Huh. Most people tell him not to dwell on it. No wonder Ann was a shrink now.

“Losing someone is one of the hardest things we, as humans, have to face,” she said. “It’s not easy in the slightest. Besides, the grieving period takes about three to five years, so you - we - are still in the beginning stages of it. Thinking about the what ifs, what you want to change, what you wish you could say to Brian - all of that is normal.”

The two of them let those words settle for a moment. Shawn’s eyes were a little misty, and redirecting the topic was probably not going to help. But he laid his stuff out on the table.

“What about you?” he asked.

“Me?”

“Your what ifs?”

Ann paused, looking around the room. “What if I had put my Master’s to use and noticed the goddamn signs?”

Shawn watched her, hoping she would at least return the eye contact.

“I’m an expert in this shit,” she said. “I have the years of school, the degrees, and the licenses for detecting things like this. I only figured it out the moment her dad called me.”

“How do you detect when someone is suicidal?”

“In her case, she was elated. When someone makes that decision, they reach a state of euphoria because they know their pain is about to end.”

“But Stella was always-”

“Believe me, I know. I hadn’t talked to her since graduating in Toronto, so I thought she hadn’t changed at all. But I would see on her social media, she just moved back to her parents’ house in Florida, and she hinted that she wasn’t happy about it.”

As if Shawn couldn’t take another blow. Come to think of it, he never heard much about Stella’s home life. He didn’t even think that it could be a negative place for her.

“I was in Jacksonville for work,” Ann continued, “so I hit her up, and we met up for lunch. We talked for about an hour, and she said that I was always a good friend and college wife and that she’ll always love me. And my stone hearted ass just said ‘cool, you don’t suck’ and that was that. A month later, she’s as blue as the pills she took.”

“Ooo…” Shawn sighed, cringing at that mental image. Sweet, warm hearted Stella cold and lifeless. Call it morbid, awful thinking, but Shawn wished Brian looked like that in death instead of the bloody mess he turned out to be.

“Yeah. And her parents had her embalmed and put in an airtight casket, but that’s a whole other rant.” Ann waved it off and lied back down.

Shawn didn’t know what else to do except lie down as well. While sharing the stories of how their friends died, he couldn’t help but feel just a little bit closer to Ann. The first time they met, it took fighting tooth and nail to get her to open up. Now, Shawn felt okay silently reached for her hand, and tenderly holding it in his.

Both of them winded up at the same awards show. Both lost their best friends. Both got the same type of tattoo to honor them. Neither of them anticipated meeting again. This couldn’t be a coincidence.

_______

goth gf taglist: @normalcyisoverrated-beyou @ilsolee @mendesromano @kitykatnumber @strangerliaa @iloveshawnieboi @someoneunimportantxx @goldenmndes @calyumthomas @shawnsunflower @shawnvvmendes @parkeraul @havethetimeeofyourlifee @chillingbythesea @wronglanemendes @softmendesss @peruvian-bae @theprivatewritings

[midoriyaizukustan-inactive]

Also,,, uh,,,, If midoriya let out all his emotions, bc he is such a good boy, he'd feel so fucking bad and start sobbing like 'IM SORRYY I DIDNT MEAN IT A R R AJTJENFJGN' even if bakugou didn't care,,, Midoriya would definitely act like 'NOOO IM MEANT TO BE A HERO HOW COULD I SAY THIS TO SOMEONE WHO IM PROBABLY GOING TO NEED TO WORK ALONGSIDE IN THE PRO HERO FUTURE R A A A WHAT IF I GET FANS AND THEY FIND OUT AND GIVE ME HATE ALL MIGHT SAVE ME' AND IN ALL HONESTU, I FEEL LIKE ITD HURT HIM MORE

hold up imma boutta project/analyze

ok so i do believe ur right that midoriya would feel absolutely AWFUL before, during, nd after any conversation that is a confrontation w baku

i believe this for a couple reasons;;;;

1) midoriya has a hard time letting loose negative emotions that like. arent characteristic of a “good person”. like he refuses to let himself act out and/or respond in ways that may be a little mean bc he just. idk if this is canon technically but like from what i can analyze abt his character, he hinges his self-esteem on being a good person. so, if he were to ever act in a way that would Question that notion, i think he’d fall in on himself. so he doesn’t have any experience letting loose such emotions nd he’d be scared of the aftermath of doing so, not just bc of bakugou, but also what it might mean for who he is

and also 2) as fucked up nd complex as his relationship w bakugou is, he does care for him. i think its also canon that he hates him at the same time?? so hes got a lot of internal conflict over him, let alone bringing it out into the light and trying to mediate between those two sides of himself during a conversation

and then 3) he spent a long time like,,just pushing bakugou’s assholeness off?? like he knew bakugou was like a dick but he cared for him and didnt want to ruin his future w his personal beef (even though he was entitled to like u dont use ur quirk on someone @/young baku) so he just shrugged off the incidences the best he could. to confront baku abt everything tho, he would have to acknowledge everything that happened to him nd that would be so taxing emotionally he’d have to face the fact that he never even got a childhood bc of the relentless bullying not just from baku but the rest of his peers and oh GOD

so its bc of these three main reasons i think midoriya would l o a t h e to confront baku abt anything, and if he did confront him, he’d feel awful afterwards

HOWEVER he has good friends now and he knows what a good friendship is supposed to look like and also his self-esteem and self-image isnt so crippled anymore and he knows he deserves basic decency now and bakugou like.....for years never gave him that. for YEARS. and it cost midoriya many things, the least of which were having friends/a sense of importance

so like. i think for months he’d be warring with himself over “to talk or to not talk” bc,,,the three reasons but also he wants ANSWERS bakugou was so awful to him for YEARS he wants the REASONS he wants an APOLOGY he wants to be TAKEN SERIOUSLY because DAMMIT people -- teachers, peers, strangers at parks, whatever -- all simply WATCHED him being brought down OVER and OVER and OVER and he just. he needs to know he needs closure he needs. he needs.

SOOooo i think one night he’d just snap like baku does smth snarky or w/e and midoriya just completely freaks the fuck out

its a screaming match and midoriya can hardly breathe thro his tears but he NEEDS baku to know and he NEEDS answers and he just. he cant keep this contained any longer he will literally die if he tries to keep this to himself to his grave

so midoriya probably pulls a conversational curveball (probably brings up baku s*icide baiting him) and baku just freezes

while baku is frozen midoriya just fucking spills his entire guts and heart out and at the end he tries to demand an explanation but his actions have caught up with him at that point nd midoriya cant even move hes feeling so many emotions and oh god. he just yelled everything at bakugou

if midoriya could stand he’d probs run away but he cant MOVE fam his heart’s just so heavy

anyway theyre probably heard by like Everyone in the dorms so when the silence stretches on midoriya’s friends probs come in and help him to his room while baku’s just left to like digest all of that

back in mido’s room he’s probably crying just not as loudly bc “oh god im such a bad person i was supposed to keep it to myself i was supposed to be better im supposed to be a good person what good person would scream at the person theyve known the longest im so awful hes right im useless im evil im so fucking-” nd midoriya’s friends Quickly put an end to that the best they can but yknow midoriya’s just all over the place tonight

anyway some hours later baku knocks on the door nd under the izucrew’s monitoring, baku has a talk w midoriya

midoriya didnt rlly get to ask bakugou why any of their past happened, but bakugou feels like he should tell him his side of the story since midoriya told him his

nd its not,,satisfying cause bakugou’s still trying to figure out his past actions and motives himself but its something and hes actually remorseful and also he heard midoriya out and doesnt hate him so midoriya will take it

anyway once bakugou tells his side, he ends it with a *gasp* actual apology!!!! and he promises to do better

nd midoriya’s like “i cant forgive u, not yet at least, but like. thanks for this” bc hey he got his closure yknow

so theyre probs just rlly on uneven footing w each other for a couple months before midoriya asks if he wants to try as friends again nd blah blah im sure we all know the story from there

SOOOOOOOOOO basically; ur right midoriya would feel like complete shit before, during, and after the conversation(s), but i think in the end it would be beneficial for both him and bakugou’s character

cause bakugou will see how his actions hurt the person he’s known the longest firsthand, and the person who’s done nothing but admire him will snap at him for the first time, nd i think that would lead to good introspection on baku’s side

nd ofc midoriya getting to spill his entire guts would be cathartic as shit he’d feel a lot better after getting it out there instead of trying to keep it pushed down. plus, bakugou (or anyone else for that matter) wouldnt hate him for talking abt his feelings SO yeah after he accepts the situation Happened he’d feel,,a lot better,,

so like. to midoriya this whole conversation would be like a necessary evil thing, but it would help him and by extension bakugou, not hurt them

anyway thats my hot take dkjfdkjnk this became half a fic so i apologize anyway stan midoriya thanks thats all

[mx-in-words]

Monsta x reacting to their babies being born.

Hi! I would like to request Monsta X reacting to their pregnant S/O getting into labour. I just think they'll be great parents someday - anoun. 

↬ Shownu

a lost bear 

I can see you sitting on the couch with him watching a movie.

then you felt a small cramp, maybe you were hungry? 

you: oh I just ate and I am hungry again. That’s weird.

sh: maybe because you're eating for two?

you: yes mayb- ,,, OH SHIT BABY I THINK I AM GETTING IN LABOUR

sh:  :0 !!!!! OK LET'S GO 

he would be lost but needs to act OMG HIS BABY!! 

HE DRIVES LIKE A CRAZY 

when you both went to your hospital, your doctor was ready waiting for you and shownu. 

will hold your hands all the time. 

calls kihyun to warn everyone else, including his family. 

will cry when seeing your baby in your arms. 

*heart eyes shownu seeing his little baby holds his hands with such small fingers*

sh: I can't believe this is happening, it’s a dream. I love you both. 

will be overprotective about the boys holding his baby ESPECIALLY MINHYUK. 

jh: omg I have a brother/sister 

sh: I am only *your baby's name* dad now jooheon. 

mx: :( we lost our father. 

a sweet with you. will do ANYTHING you ask. 

will freak out about being a good parent.

you: you took care of seven boys, you will do great honey. 

sh: :3 thanks, baby!!! 

soft for his kid I think shownu may explode of love??

↬Wonho 

I am SO SOFT FOR MX HELP

YOU: HOSEOK I WANT THIS BABY OUT!

wh: honey, what can I even do? It was supposed to born a week ago but I guess your belly is better :)

you: ugh I love you but istg 

tried everything

in the middle of the night, you felt something. When you got up, your water purse broke and you called wonho. 

you: HONEY WAKE UP MY WATER BROKE 

WH: O M G 

picked all your things, he had already done your bag. 

called the boys in the way, driving

since you started to push, he was already crying while trying to film the scene. 

we actually sobbed when the baby was out, crying. 

doctor: congratulations on your healthy ( the sex of the baby)

wh: *crying so fucking hard *

will literally die if anyone holds your baby 

like your mom it’s holding the little person and he is like 

wh: okay 3 seconds holding now give it to me

will take so many pictures of you and the baby

literally so worried about you. 

wh: do you want me to kick everyone out of the room so you can rest? do you want to eat something out of the hospital? ANYTHING???

you: baby what no- I am fineee!!!

wh: okay okay

so proud of his family he can’t even breath 

will protect you and the baby of EVERYTHING

↬Minhyuk

already knew the possible date of the delivery, so he stayed with you the whole week.

every five minutes asking you if you feel anything

mh: how about now? anything?

you: no baby, nothing yet *rolling eyes*

mh: just checking love u 

you were eating dinner with him while watching knowing brothers than you felt a little pain. 

when you got up, your water broke and minhyuk started to scream.

mh: I AM GOING TO BE A FATHER LET’S GO Y/N

RUN THE FUCK UP TO THE HOSPITAL

mh calling his mom: MOM MY BABY IS COMING COME TO THE HOSPITAL AND BRING CANDYS 

his mom: OMG OMG OKAY HONEY BUT WHY CANDIES

mh: I need candies in stressful moments mom

you: are you for real right now? I WANT SOME TOO OMMA

will take care of everything for you in the hospital 

holding your hand

that puppy smile 

kiss your forehead before the labour starts

mh: I love you and this is the best moment of my life.

EVERYONE CAN PICK HIS BABY 

101% about you and the baby

you: you look so happy, baby

mh: of course I am, my dream is being a father and having a family with who I love, in the case, you. 

mx: eww 

sh: when did my kid become this man??? 

you: shhh let him enjoy pls

mh: *holding the baby and looking at them with the most lovely expression ever *

↬Kihyun

this boy is so precious ughhhh

packing things for the hospital for mouths 

ACTUALLY MADE A LIST FOR THIS MOMENT

let everything in the car 

buT 

schedule calls him

he was at the end of an interview when you called

you: baby is happening, my mom is riding me to the hospital, I see you there. 

kh: what- I AM GOING TO BE A FATHER HURRY SHOWNU GIVE ME THE KEYS. 

SWEATING LIKE HELL 

he cannot miss this, camera on point. 

found your room and the labour hadn’t started yet

kh: fuck you scared me 

you: yeah I LOVE YOU TOO

kh: OF COURSE I LOVE YOU WE ARE HAVING A BABY omg relax honey how are you? feeling pain? 

calling your family 

will film the whole labour 

cry only when it’s over, hugging the boys.

jh: men you're crying

kh: I just released I am a father now jooheon can u let me?

takes a lot of pictures of you and the baby

ask everyone to not visit you two because you need to rest

anyone cant touch you or the baby if doesn’t wash the hands TWICE 

EVEN HIS MOTHER

sings to the baby when you're tired 

helping you all the time

he stays with you in the hospital until you can leave 

makes sure to tell you how much he loves you and is proud of his family

will say that you look fantastic as a mother and your little belly is sexy

can I buy myself this man? I love him

↬Hyungwon

you are at a dinner with the boys 

everything looks great

then you felt something

it’s pain 

hw: everything okay sugar?

you: hm no...

kh: oh she’s having the baby 

hw: NOW?

you: no,, next week,,, OF COURSE, IS NOW

run to the hospital

he is SHOOK

CAN'T THINK OF IT 

you: honey please move breath blink say something

hw: I GONNA BE A FATHEEER

mx: yeah now he is going to cry

hw: not yet.

only cries when he picks the baby in his arms for the first time 

was only the three of you in the room

hw: thank you for making me so happy y/n. They are so cute look this little legs!!!

you: worth it. 

your baby is so quiet 

stop crying in hyungwon’s arms 

hugs his parents so hard when they visit you both

hw: minhyuk can you be quieter my kid’s brain will explode you're so annoying 

kh: I have to agree 

mh: but he is SO CUTE!!!! 

you: looks like the father :) 

wh: hm no the baby is cute for real 

hw: I hate you all

will put koala’s clothes in the baby and post in twitter for monbebes to see.

treats you like a queen 

so worried about you 

hw: please eat well. Drink water, honey. PLEASE 

such a sweet

a little sad because he knows he won't sleep in some mouths

but so happy that he loves his family more than sleep 

↬Jooheon 

Can’t wait to see the baby

Keep asking you when he will get to see his son.

you: oh idk, do you want to put your head up down here and look inside?

jh: son,,, you’re making your mommy angry you know * pouts*

Literally buys u anything you want.

Prefer to says that he is pregnant too

jh: I having desires for guacamole

you: baby you’re not pregnant, I am.

ck: I am what I am man.

Wjdnjsjdjsnsje SORRY I JUST

kh: please y/n just push out this kid I can’t take this anymore.

you: honestly… I WISH BUT THIS LITTLE SHI- OH

Then your water broke

You felt something was up to

You’re having a baby

jh and mh: YEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Jooheon, changkyun and minhyuk singing a rap about honey being a father

Something like BABY IN THE WAY JOOHEON AS A DAD THAT’S WHAT I SAY D A D D Y STARTING A FA MI LY

you: goshhh why

At the moment the Labour is about to start, he holds your hand and kisses your forehead

jh: I am so thankful for this moment, I will finally have the two loves of my life right by my side.

You both crying holding the baby.

Would make sure everything looks fine, don’t want you to get worried.

Asks shownu to buy your favourite chocolate just because

kh: y/n is sleeping man, gosh they are so little, how does it feel to have such a small person?

jh: it's my little angel, it feels like a blessed man, I can’t stop smiling LOOK THIS LITTLE FINGERS

Gets so emotional because his kiddo is his life now

jh: look!!!!! * shows you your baby*

you: it’s this a bee costume in our two days old baby????? ARE THOSE NIKES SHOES FOR BABY’S?

jh: lil baby has styyyle

Will watch you and the baby sleeping and think about how he wants to be the best person for you two

Wants to dedicate himself totally for the family from now on

Already planning the Disney trip for the family.

↬Changkyun 

so yeah he’s scared af

but shhhh don’t tell no one

cause he’s cool ;)

was actually on the supermarket to buy you something weird at 3am

what a husband huh

want your favorite chocolate or maybe Arabic food? i’ts okay he gets it.

theemmm you called saying that 

the baby is coming

he FROZE

sweating but trying to keep it down

holds your hand all the time like, literally 

ck: can I cry? omg I am going to be a dad!!!!!!!

you: you didn't even saw the baby yet slow down honey

ck: what if I am suck at parenting?

you: oh you’re gonna be fine, we’re a family and i’ts impossible to not love you, so your baby will love you too.

ck: *smiling incrediable happy and them start crying*

ask shownu some advices

ask jooheon to calm him with crackhead jokes

ask kihyun to help him with BEING AN ADULT

ask hyungwon to... even come bc honestly is he sleeping?

don’t show to you how worried he is

can’t stop looking at your baby and how much he is in love with them.

will keep his eyes on you ALL THE TIME

actually cries in front of you because he wants you to rest 

ck: I can hold the baby y/n pleaaase rest.

you: changkyun I AM BREASTFEEDING slow down

ck: oh okay...

you: Baby, we will do fine. Just relax! I trust you, so trust in me too okay?

ck: yeah you’re right. Do you need anything?

you: yeah, a kiss and a kiss in the baby. 

* changkyun heart cant take it this scene is so cute omg*

he actually helps WITH EVERYTHING

the hospital bills, the baby's clothes and your stuff

dad material 

already checking the bests schools and all the baby's future

How To Be a Liberal Father GOOGLE SEARCH

loves his family with everything he has. 

sooooooo thank you for the request!!! My requests are open!! hope you guys like it <3 

[lunarashen]

tw shitty mom i guess. mentions of csa. maybe abuse? neglect? fuckin i dont know

so ive come to the realisation that mom hasnt cleaned a single fucking thing in our house in. a long time. over a year. probably more than one. like. she wont even fucking clean her own room or pick up the dozens of beer cans fucking everywhere around the house. nah. she leaves that shit up to me. i get to clean up everyones fucking messes, make meals, clean up said meals, and then die. she comes home, grabs a beer, pulls out her phone, and then fucking shuts down for the rest of the day. zero goddamn interaction with either of her fucking children.

like. her non interaction got to the point where my sister calls me mom sometimes bc ive fucking raised her more than mom has. im the one that makes sure she picks up her messes, does her homework, and makes sure she knows i fucking love the shit out of her. not mom. and mom has the gall to get offended when she does hear my sister call me mom.

her refusal to clean has gotten to the point where, because she was sick and tired of her bedroom being clean, she got a fucking couch bed and is now sleeping in the living room instead of keeping her room fucking clean.

i cant even fucking go to the kitchen to get water at night anymore because she gets pissy at me.

i hate the fact that ive learned her moods. memorised what words or actions are most likely to set her off, to spare myself her wrath.

my sister hasnt learned those yet. she always steps on those landmines and brings me down with her.

i hate the fact that i know she's going to learn soon enough, because im 17 and i can't protect her for much longer. because when im 18 and graduated, i wont be able to stay here much longer. ill finally snap, or mom will finally kick me out, and ill end up leaving with my cats so that she wont have them put down or abandoned.

i hate the fact that i have depression, severe social anxiety, adhd, ptsd, and i do not get any of the resources i need for them because mom refuses to acknowledge them. refuses to acknowledge the fact that my long term memory suffers from the traumas of being groomed as a child by someone who should have been a father. refuses to acknowledge that my short term memory suffers because i have adhd and its a genuine problem, mom, i swear im not purposely forgetting these things.

i hate the fact that living with her has forced me to learn how to lie, sneak, and hide myself away because if i didnt i would only get more burned.

i hate being at home.

what i hate the most, though, is that shes not a bad person. mom cares with all of her heart and throws her entire being into helping others. she just puts so much of herself into the children she works with, that by the end of the day she has nothing left but exhaustion in both her body and soul, and bitterness from children she knows are hurting and can only help so much. shes a good person and a great teacher, but she has never been a good mother and it hurts so much.

she works for money. id happily live a million lives homeless, if only she would find time for her family. id give up all my worldly posessions if she would just stop being so angry. if she would realise i am not her maid, or daughter, or slave, but her child (sometimes son). nothing more.

(id suffer it all a million times more, if it meant my sister would be spared from everything, but i can only potect her so much and i can already see the signs. how she went from so outspoken and shining, to only truly feeling comfortable and relaxed in front of a few. how she creates hidden caches in the house, full of squirreled away food and long desired comforts and never comes out to interact anymore because shes gotten used to mom pushing her away. i hate it so much.)

[ibolyafagyi]

been going through a phase recently where everything seems ridiculously obviously boring and meaningless. my mind has become the kind of place where u hear stuff like "ugh why look at a painting dear god its all so boring and obvious and shallow how do you get paid for that" and "why listen to anything why read anything it literally doesnt help" and "why post anything why say anything i can literally feel myself becoming stupid theres not a thing im sure of anymore so whats the point". somehow nothing gave me anything anymore n i lost curiosity, even the energy to intake things. i stopped being able to express myself much bc i *was* smart before and i knew things and i used to function well but now all those things dont work or lost their meaning, their effect, their depth. i think my feeling for things might be coming back (maybe just a bit) bc i can look at a painting again and not feel so nothing but i very well remember being horribly disinterested in composition and colors with the knowledge that it was the most exciting thing to me before, and i feel like it must not be that hard to fall back into the nothing state. its a thing of feeling! you can only sense depth when you approach with some kind of mindset? i dont know. i dont give much credit or reliance to mbti, but recently realized i got the isfj result both times i got ill enough to ask for help. its primary function is introverted sensing. another result i remember getting from a better time is infp, with introverted feeling. maybe i need abstract inner values for myself? i remember how good it felt to just decide this is important to me for no reason. this is my thing and i dont need to explain or search for a reason. but that also sounds kind of stupidly idealistic... and im not sure im able to do it. but like im beginning to think if i continue being so realistic in my perception of things im gonna go insane.

i need to cut some slack on making everything so 100% clear. it goes for expressing myself, taking things in, completing a story fully. i need to bring back my stupid sentimentality. (maybe i got here bc of that ridiculously high-bar seminar paper i needed to work on all semester. or well, all of university and academics has this horrible fact-checking side to it.) i dont know where from to take resources for that -- idk if i function like this bc perfection fuels me, and if i dont have that but im not *guaranteed* to enjoy feeling things like before, then what... no one ever tells you you can suffer from being too objective, conscientious, hardworking. "u dont need to be a perfectionist" ok but thats just a few words, meanwhile most of the world operates in a way that rewards perfectionism. im gonna hate telling this to my psychologist bc thats also a place where i dont know how to approach things lightly and abstractly and it makes me suffer. i routinely feel stupid and exhausted and empty after psych sessions. like overwhelmingly stupid, like i dont understand the most basic things about myself and the world anymore. once somethings been questioned and i cant really answer im like huh? out the window that goes i guess, that was stupid of me i guess. when she asks more details about anything i feel like im a criminal whose story is falling apart. idk how to bring this text to a positive closure but ill keep the idea of sentimentality around, what can you do. i wanna solve my problems but i cant take the perfectionist approach to that. i cant be "good enough" to the psychologist, and i shouldnt attempt it, but i can only swing it the other way like "guess ill be a nuisance then". if i sense i cant continue being as good in human relationships, as attentive and whatever cuz i got shit going on, the thought of "i need to become a nuisance" surfaces. i guess i became a nuisance. but thats got entirely nothing to do with me i feel. i need to tell that friend eventually the things that bothered me in our relationship. or we will never talk again, might happen too. im just unable to make the painful experience of bringing up shit and the anxiety of waiting for a reply into a situation of self respect and self empowerment. (what do i say here.... once again, unable to bring things to a clean close.)

[dead-thorin]

everything im gonna write is gonna be concerning but it be like that and its really not concerning

for like months now i haven’t been ok. And like it’s gotten worse with the holidays and ive been so fucking angry and tired lol. like at first i was like its fine its ok, then i was like its the hormones it happens, then its the stress of finals and work but like its really not like i legit just dont want to be alive anymore im really tired of it. Like idk how to convey just how much i dont care anymore to be alive

1) I feel so fucking isolated here like i have friends but a majority of them are cis. And like the trans people i know? most of them on T are non binary which like valid, but they dont get the full extent. And like their families support them lmao and theres one person i could talk to but he doesnt seem to want to socialize much so i always feel awful thinking about hitting him up

and like i feel like my friends dont like me and i know thats not the case but also maybe it is!!! who fucking knows anymore!!!! i dont have time to talk to them bc im so busy at work and then i get home and immediately have to do more work and by the time im free this week theyll be home for break so like!!! fuck i guess!!! i saw one of my friends who i havent been able to see all semester and she said shed hit me up today and she hasnt and i know its cause she and another friend have to study and theyve been busy but in my mind its still “she fucking hates u!!! doesnt matter that she was so excited to see u and would definitely have no qualms in telling u to fuck off she hates u!!!”

2) no one listens to me lol like people listen to me when i rant, which is really helpful and i really appreciate and love that they do that bc emotional labor, but like in groups? i talk and people interrupt or dont hear what i say or disregard it and im like k. OR THEY THINK IM FUCKING JOKING LIKE THIS LEGIT IS SUCH A PROBLEM AND IVE HAD IT HAPPEN WITH SEVERAL PPL AND IDK WHAT TO DO. Like i physically say “im really not joking dont do that” AND THEY STILL THINK IM JOKING

and whenever i talk to people and they give me advice or just listen they do at least one thing. They either mention medicine, which again, valid, but i dont want to go back on medicine right now. But then they fucking push that shit and demand reasons why i dont want to like fuck u i dont have to explain shit to u i just dont want to. And/or it turns into me educating them and im just like great! i managed to do labor in this trying time! nice!

3) I cant talk to my therapist bc shell become concerned lol. i told her how i went to the labor looking for a book about the pros and cons of committing suicide and researched it and i had to talk for 10 minutes afterwards about the steps i was taking to help combat it but like i was legit scared to tell her in case she made me go into inpatient care lmao and this brings me to pt 4

4) theres like nothing here LMAOOOOOOO like no books at either library about stopping suicidal thoughts or helping depression or about family estrangement. I had to order books from different libraries to get something and theres a few that i got from the Libby app but like wtf lmao and theres no events during christmas and every volunteer thing? either i gotta fill out an application and do training which who knows how long thatll take or i need a car. Like there legit isnt anything here i did so much looking lmao like i have my hobbies but that wont make me leave the house

i talked to a professor about this shit too and he understands and stuff and told me to hit him up during break if i feel isolated but like I FEEL SO FUCKING GUILTY FOR EVEN BREATHING LMAO LIKE WHAT hes got shit to do too and i know he has research going on so like doubt it

5) im gonna die alone at this pt and i know thats mad dramatic and also probably false but im like so conflicted about everything i feel with my gender and dating

like every time i like a man im like wow if i was a girl, this wouldnt be a problem and like being cis has more privileges than being trans but i know last time i dated in the closet it wasnt a good time SO

and every time i like a girl, im like she prob wont see me as a man or will be disappointed in my body or transition

and like no matter who im interested in, the same thought is always “they prob dont see me as a man and will misgender me, even unintentionally” like i know people who dont even know my birth name and have known my pronouns as he/him AND THEY STILL GET IT WRONG LIKE WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO EVEN DO ANYMORE TATTOO IT ON MY FUCKING FOREHEAD 

theres a guy i currently like, whos so sweet like theres one incident that happened that i had me thinking damn.... hope hes into guys and single..... and like its kept me up thinking “oh man hes definitely str8 this fucking sucks if i was a girl i would probably have a shot” but like every time i toy with the idea of detransitioning (not in a serious way, but just like casually thinking of a scenario) my mind physically rejects it and is like “motherfucking do u wanna go back to THOSE shitty feelings??? really??? it was worse before!!” and i will definitely get over this crush, like im just lonely and its cuffing season, but it fucking sucks in the meantime like i feel like i cant date because im too nervous and scared to!!! im so scared they wont think im a man and i know thats not every person but like Jesus its enough that its a good possibility

6) this part is sad but i think i have to stop talking to my sister or at least give her limited info bc shes having her parents contact me through her and im not giving them shit so...

like she just texted asking when id be home and for the millionth time (BC NO ONE LISTENS TO ME) i said i wasnt going home, im never going home, stop asking and i know that its them asking her to ask me and they can honestly fuck themselves

like these are all problems that have solutions and i know the solutions but like im so tired of it lol im tired of having to deal with my family situation, im tired of being ignored and interrupted and not taken serious and having to explain my boundaries over and over and over again, im tired of not being able to talk to people for fear of getting hospitalized or interrupted or pushed onto meds, im tired of not having resources, im so tired of it all. Im so sick of being suicidal and not even being able to get out of bed and having to deal with being depressed and anxious and chronically ill fuck all of it

legitimately had to make a list of shit i could do over break so that i feel like i cant hurt myself until i finish it bc thats how my shit brain works. like i dont want to die but i also just dont want to deal with this anymore and i know itll get better in time but jesus fucking christ its been 8 damn years when does it actually get fully fucking good? its gotten better but more shit keeps coming up like yea i started hormones but now i dont have a fucking family anymore. 

Even if i didnt have this list i wouldnt do it bc 1) i dont want to do that to my closest friend and 2) im helping someone get out of an abusive situation. She has like no support, just one cousin whos there for her, but he doesnt have resources for her. Ive been listening to her and validating her and making sure she knows that a) this is the type of shit abusers do and b) shes not fucking crazy for thinking certain things!!! she really isnt and i get it so much so ive been gently giving her contacts from the beginning to help her and she finally left and is in a really delicate place. So like not exactly the best thing for me to suddenly be gone and id feel terrible if she had no one there for her

anyway this was a long post that can basically be summed up as i really want to fucking kill myself but i wont but also im suffering a lot

[lawlessfowling-blog]

ᵒᵘᵗᵒᶠᵖᵉⁿᵍᵘᶦⁿˢ.hells yeh lets go a whole 24 hours with this weird hyper anxiety great fantastic

I cant keep living like this and, frankly, I’m not even sure why I’m bothering to. I am lucky I didn’t break down in psych this morning bc of the dysphoria while we are in the pregnancy and birth unit.... And then I got to sit there and feel guilty about not advocating more in ASL while all my classmates were talking shit. Like, I tried but they shut me down quickly and I just?? I couldn’t do it and now I feel like a jerk. 

I don’t want to be at school anymore, but even if I could go home, then I have to deal with ppl being like ‘’you need to do these things!!’’ and like??? I can’t handle that rn i already had a borderline meltdown last night over all my homework because I couldn’t focus on it at all and there’s also this boy I’ve been talking to on tinder who is giving off the same vibes as my last boyfriend - Which may just be me projecting, but that last relationship was so toxic and at such a bad time in my life that it’s bringing back shit. And I have to somehow work up the courage to go and talk to my mother about getting her tax information for financial aid so I can afford lunches and books which is going to be process that’s probably not even going to end up being worth it in the end because there is no way in hell that she is gonna move even an inch to help me unless I let her get her fingers back into me. I’m so fucking scared of her and now I have to go see her multiple times because she wouldn’t fucking help me months ago.

God nothing is okay and I wish I wasn’t such a fucking bitch about everything bc I would just have killed myself by now and I wouldn’t be in this scenario.

[prettysei-remade]

graphic design is my passion actually the last time i made a graphic of any kind was when i was like 10 and i have sadly Not magically improved since then rip;; also dont worry the comic sans is ironic im not that awful......or am i 

hey there angels (instead of demons bc ur not demons ur all angels get it haha), it’s me, ya maknae! this is a very looooooong post so buckle in, my pals

AHEM 

exactly this time last year, i was probably laughing and/or crying at the thought of ever having mutuals here, much less having too many to do a proper follow forever in a rush the day before i post it (rip) so becAUSE i ran out of time and would probably give up in the middle, i decided to just talk abt how much i love everyone in the Stream Team gc and also make a shitty graphic so i could bless ur guys’ new years with ot13 and make it seem like i know what i’m doing :) 

ok im gonna get sappy for a sec and then u can all get to the part u actually care about (the part that’s also sappy but directed at specific people) 

my friends!! my loves!!! the bestest people on the planet!!!!! i love you <3<3 you guys are the sweetest, kindest, most understanding, most hilarious group of friends in the world and i’m so fucking lucky to know all of you. you make me laugh,,you make me cry (in a good way),,,,,you make me like myself when i dont feel like it,,,,im so?? blessed??? to have people to talk to and scream abt kpop with and be myself around. i’m more comfortable with u guys than probably anyone else?? like. even irl because 1) i’ll probably never come out, 2) none of my friends know anything abt kpop, and 3) none of my friends are rlly.....aware of the things my brain tells me about myself sometimes. which brings me to the last thing before i start yelling abt u all in alphabetical order: 

thank you guys for being the Good Brains to help out when my Mean Brain gets too mean. 

💙 

@byungjoo 

laura!! idk if u think abt this as often as i do (probably not) but like,, remember before we were friends and we had that ““discussion”” for abt .2 seconds regarding toppdogg going on the unit and then i thought u hated me for a couple weeks and then we became like the most amazing friends?? well reminding you of that is basically my long roundabout way of saying that our friendship is kind of a miracle to me, and i’m so so thankful that you’ve become someone i can trust with anything and not be judged for it :’) you always know what to say and you always make me feel special when we talk and just?? wow...don’t forget me when you become the biggest bts blog in the world......i saw one of your gifsets that had like 5k+ notes and almost shed a tear i was so proud of u.. i love you and thank u for being amazing all the time!! and for introducing me to twice and gfriend aka the most amazing girls!!! and of course....#laurjoo5ever <3

@gipsydangger 

yo jo (that was lame im sry you deserve better) you havent been in the chat for super long but you’re One Of Us and also 1/2 of the Official Ruby-Got-Me-Into-IZ Squad so lots of love for you!! thank you for singing all star with me in an attempt to cleanse our chat of ******** (im just (all)starring out his name so he doesnt find this post and try to eat my heart again), thank you for being so nice and thoughtful and sweet and all the other amazing things youve been already, thank you for giving iz a shot and somehow becoming a fan in like 5 minutes (???amazing) you!! are a rock star!!! wow!!!!!!

@hjjxxn​

ok alex i know you’re not tec h ni c a l ly in the chat but lets be real;;you’re still my Toppklass Queen ;; ur adorable! ur so kind! u work so hard! ur such a sweetheart! forget toppklass queen, u r the queen of my heart 💖 i cant believe we’re both hojoon stans AND yoongi stans it’s like we were meant to be friends or smth idk?? and you got me into winner and sent me the bEST videos of them holy shit im still laughing abt the one where theyre dancing to ‘hello bitches’ jshdkahds and mino’s duck song,,i cri :’( you have the best taste so i’m vv grateful to know you in the first place and! talking to you is super fun even tho we dont do it often <3<3 ilu <3

@itsachocolatecake 

jess <3 our leader,,mother,,,resident Cutie Pie <3<3 i am so fond of you?? you’re loads and loads of fun to talk with and the chat would be so different without u, i’m not even gonna imagine it!! instead im gonna remember how you always cheer me up right away and help me remember whats good about myself and tell me that i’m not alone and give me great ideas for metaphors involving brains (like mental brains not physical brains)!!! our mutualness (mutualism? mutuality?? idk) goes waaay back, like, relatively, so thank you for following me in the first place bc it means we’re friends now !! love you <3 

@kimsanggyum 

kaliiiiiii!! my wonderful fellow scorpio (AHEM i mean what im not a scorpio who said that i’ll fight them) ur super fun and cute and as soon as you joined u fit right in even tho we’re all kind of weird and now you are One Of Us and it’s kind of hard to believe that you havent been since the beginning?? you’re such a cutie and i love love love talking to you and stuff <3 jdkjsldf dog pics are one of the many ways to my heart and your dog is amazing!!! thank you for sharing!!! you are amazing!!! tell canyon monroe i love him (again) and tell him from me to be nice to laura too,,anyway!! love u lots <3 

@lapillity 

melia. you. are. the. best. my text posts never go noteless bc of you :’) you’re honestly truly just the greatest?? not just bc you like my text posts tho, youre genuinely sweet and suuuuper nice like,,i cant say anything bad about any of the Stream Team tbh but MELIA!!1! you would have to murder a man for a not-justifiable reason for me to say anything bad about you :/ i think you are an Angel and you’re so cute??how are u so cute i dont get it :(( thanks for being my friend and also helping me reject that guy that one time,,without you i definitely would’ve screwed things up tbh so seriously!! thank you and i love you <3<3 

@minty-sugar-kpop 

minty i think i should tell u now that whenever i type “rip” on my phone the next suggested word is always “minty” :’) we’re always screaming abt kpop groups together like!! when clap was released u screamed about seventeen with me!!! when i told u i was getting into twice u screamed about twice with me!! when nothing else is happening u scream about toppdogg with me (and the rest of us)!!!! i love that youre as excited about your fave groups as i am about my fave groups because it helps remind me that it’s NOT weird to be really super extremely dedicated to things that make u happy and i still struggle with that sometimes so.... thanks for being you i guess?? also for getting rid of ******** from our chat with the power of ot13 :’)) love you <3<3<3 

@reallyabananya

kat!! my Superhero!!! the lifegiver for minsung stans everywhere;; i am so grateful for literally everything you’ve ever done in your life but specifically 1) translating every. single. one. of minsung’s often long and very complex posts, 2) being my role model for running an update-esque blog! like!! if kat can do everything she does for her blogs and translate stuff and be so efficient at everything, i can do it for my one tiny little blog!!, 3) working so hard but always being so so sweet to everyone and being so amazingly humble all the time and being somebody i admire not only as a blogger but as a person too <3 (wow that was che e s y lol) im love you!! <3 

@saltygot7 

hi kendall! another scorpio wowie!!! of course i say “another” bc i already mentioned how kali is a scorpio,,it’s not because i’m a scorpio. because i’m not haha. anyway. im sorry i let ******** come between us, i know you didn’t mean to create a demon that would eventually possess both you and your phone and try to eat all of our hearts. i know and i’m sorry and i love you!!! i also know that you still think those asks u sent were hilarious but i forgive you bc i know you love me too <3<3 i can’t believe my Ultimate Bias and the true visual of our group loves me!! wow!!! thanks for all your amazing selfies, they always make me smile :’) you rlly know how to cheer everyone up and get us in a happy mood and just,,,thanks for always being your lovely self! love u lots <3 

@sunshinesanggyun 

bella 💕 i love you, i love you, i love you 💕 idk if you know this or not, but you were actually my first tk mutual <3 i remember when i got the notif that you followed me back and i was so excited because this person!! this person with an amazing blog and who i already thought was super cool!! wanted to follow me!!! i still think it’s amazing that you wanted to be my friend but i can’t really say that i “can’t believe it” anymore because i can;;; you’re my friend and i’m your friend and i love you!! i’ll remind you of that every day if i have to. you’re the other 1/2 of the Official Ruby-Got-Me-Into-IZ Squad (along with jovano) and it makes me so happy that you’re a fan now too!!!! you’re just awesone tbh?? you help me with my shitty stuff and i try my best to help you with your shitty stuff and!! you’re one of my best friends!! i’m so so happy and lucky and blessed and thankful to know you! never forget how much i love you forever 💕💕💕 

@toppdoggzz 

jacqueline;; the awesome aunt that’s super nice and who helps people when they’re sad;;(i can’t remember jess’s exact wording but it was True);;;; you’re so cool and amazing and honestly i find it incredible how you’ve been with bts from the beginning!! is that a weird thing to say as a compliment?? shdfsdhkd sorry but sticking with a group from debut is really admirable, especially because bts didnt start out super big but you stayed with em anyway :’) you’re such a star and you reblog my selfies when i ask you to (btw ur tags on my latest selfies had me cryin;;find someone who will compliment you every day like jacqueline complimented my decent-ish selfies;;) and you’re so great to talk with and yeah!! i love u!!!! 

@zombietwink 

isaiah. i hope u believe me when i say, from the very bottom of my heart: you are the Meme to my Internet Connection, the Cherry to my Bomb, the Chanyeol to my.....You. idk. you take my worst text posts that i make at like 3am and add the best things to them and make them Good and i love our convos in the replies of my posts alsjdsfjjs also can i just say?? i’m still not 100% sure what the whole thing is with like the “kin” meme (i get what it is but i dont rlly Get It u know) but literally any mention of it ever reminds me of you :’) it’s actually astounding how many memes make me think of you tbh..anyway, ur very very cute and soft and nice and youve been mutuals with me for a Long Time so thanks for thinking im cool enough to follow!!! and for still following me!!! love you <3 

wow that took a long time but it was worth it!! tho i honestly wouldn’t blame you if you just skipped everything and only read the little section abt you lmao 

well, happy new year! i hope lots of really good, and happy, and lovely, and wonderful things are waiting for you in 2018 ✨✨✨

[goldenkiva]

unfiltered rambling (this is a (long) vent post; cw for some irl death mentions, sui and self harm mention (nothing in reality), bad mental health time, all that jazz

well it’s 7:30 am and ive been awake since 4 am. which is an improvement really. i slept at 12:30am ish, in contrast to constantly sleeping at 8 am or later the past month or so. and it’s been taking a very bad toll on me lately mentally. everything has been building up and probably toyin’s death (yes the one who was found dead, we were classmates in middle/high school...) was my breaking point as i had a very bad panic attack a few days after. that lasted a good 22 hours before i fully calmed down. it always takes me 5-9 hours to calm down from anxiety or trauma related bad times as i have no real coping mechanisms and i will just literally do nothing but stay huddled up in bed until the unbearable feeling goes away. but that one. was just really bad. i think i also accidentally upset one of my best friends before that which also attributed to it (we’re fine now.) it’s been a bit since i had that panic attack but i still feel so bad all the time. sometimes i joke about wataru giving me chest pain bc i love him so much but i feel like i havent experienced physical emotion in so long i just want to feel it even if it’s painful. i dont self harm so dw about that btw. but i rarely shed even a single tear anymore when ive always been a total cry baby. i only cry full on tears and sobs now when im being over stimulated during a conversation. i just genuinely want to feel physically excited or happy or sad or whatever. i want to feel physical emotion again and not just numbness with an occasional laff or on the verge of getting watery eyes but not even real crying or whatever. 

i also had to get a new phone bc my dumb clumsy self dropped my phone flat on the screen a second time and it was unrepairable which makes me sad bc i only had this phone for two years and it still ran perfectly well. i wanted to keep it for 3-4 years at least...i got a new one ordered yesterday and im splitting price with my dad n i just feel bad i had to get a new one at all bc because of covid and shit my parents are only getting half the usual business and we already dont make a ton. thankfully my parents and sister are the type to not spend recklessly in general (i am prob the biggest spender...) but that wont stop my dumb of ass generalized anxiety disorder from making me worry about bankruptcy or poverty or some other extreme. i hate it bc i cant do anything about these thoughts except just what feels like sitting in mud and i slowly sink in. i wish i was an artist with more clout because i desperately want to be have consistent (or any) income. even before covid i always feel bad about not having a job. ik it’s hard to balance school and work anyway so it’s fine if im not working but it sucks. american college is a scam. at least i didnt go to an art school. (well. i am in art program in college. but not going to an arts dedicated school like ringling. which is significantly more expensive. if i went to art school id be significantly more likely to end up in very heavy debt) but i hate having gad. i hate not having any real coping mechanisms. i feel frustrated and a little annoyed when i asked about coping mechanisms for my anxiety with my therapist she just told me breathing exercises. which ig can be valuable but ik in my heart this wont help me at all. perhaps it’s un-dx’d adhd with rsd making me feel that way that makes me refuse to even want to do them. all my medical and health issues are also a contribution to my gad and financial terrors. sometimes it makes me wanna die but i wont do that. bc my friends and family would genuinely be very heartbroken if i were to suddenly be gone especially if by my own hand. i wouldnt want anyone to blame themselves either...

the only things genuinely making me feel anything lately is wataru and buck tick. it almost makes me a little upset how little amount of things make me happy or even feel anything rn. im reading a tragedy visual novel rn (which is very good and well written and i generally like tragedies and i find them indulgent) that i am enjoying very much yet i feel barley anything while reading it. i immensely miss the buck tick concert streams so bad. watching them over the month and half they streamed every saturday morning really put how much they love making music and performing in a brand new light to me, and watching that last concert bestias locus solus was just. so amazing. i dont know how to talk about it other than i was genuinely touched. they went all out playing at that concert stage bc it was their first time performing there (at the time in their 31 year career, 33 this year) and the unplugged performances and sakura especially got me so hard. im not good with words so im not doing a good job at all expressing how much that concert (along with the day in question 2017) made me feel. i miss it. i want to buy the dvds so bad but theyre so expensive and now is not a time for reckless spending. but one day i will attain them and experience the happiness they bring me again. im sad my friends arent rly into them the same degree i am but ig it really is such a personalized feeling. i was already in a state of dread and depression when i got into the band. but im still glad my other friends enjoy them and tell me they enjoy their music. their stuff slaps. theyre just an amazing band. a band not restricted by genre. a band who makes music because they love it and love performing and love their fans and dont get warped in the ideas of fame or fortune, and are fully okay with being normal people...a band with the same line up since their pro debut in 1989 because the members all love and care about each other so much. theyre still going strong in their mid to late 50s as they were in their late teens. they make me so happy...

well it’s 8 am now and if youve read this whole thing, thanks i guess? that sounds rude, but im just kinda sittin in the mud. im still in the midst of cleaning my room. i am not someone to recklessly hurt myself or anything like that so dont worry about that. i’ll be fine. probably. if you wanna listen to buck tick heres their spotify :) i recommend their albums atom miraiha no. 09, no.0 (especially the live performance version), kuratta taiyo, darker than darkness style 1993, aku no hana, and their kemonotachi no yoru/rondo double single. they slap so good. also spotify is missing literally like 15 years worth of their music from the 00s-10s. you can find downloads online though. theyre also releasing a new single in august im very excited for it. also, the singer of the band (atsushi sakurai) did a collab with sheena ringo where he sung the bg vocals of her song elopers, which was also made in sakurai’s image and she got it really dead set on tbqh. sheena ringo loves bt so yall should too :)

[this-brownie]

04.22.20

I have been harboring a lot of pain and anger feelings for jen in the back of my head for the last 10 years. When I see her in person, I feel so good that I don’t have a need to bring it up, but those negative feelings, eventually, always return. I finally decided to let it all go and explain to her how I felt— the first part is the letter I read to her over the phone and the second part are my own thoughts and recollection after the phone call.

Part 1:

Maybe you have your issues with me because of that period in high school but it was never to push YOU away. I won’t diminish the fact it was detrimental to you regardless, but I didn’t intentionally prioritize myself at your cost. That happened to be the result of my stupidity and lack of communication. When you left for college, it was hard but you kind of repeatedly put yourself over me and our friendship, and it took a toll. We came back together once you found more balance in your school life and started depending on me more when you and worth broke up. I eventually moved back to New York and you had your off year; that was one of my favorite years. I like you because I have fun with you and because I like to hear you talk. I have often been angry when you couldn’t make it for me, even if it wasn’t your fault, and it constantly remained in the back of my head. But then when I see you it’s like those feelings wash away, and I’m like oh thisss is why I love hanging out with her. When you left, it made me really distant, which was better than fighting with you, but it hollowed me out. You had Mo, you had your life, you were busy. I wasn’t unhappy for you but you didn’t need me or make me feel needed. When I eventually moved on from Caitlin to Ivan, he brought on this intense joy and intimacy that I hadn’t experienced since hs. He made me feel so loved, and so crazy. It consumed me. With Levi, my other friends, and often you I feel grounded. Good positive feelings, nothing crazy. He fucking riled me up so much. Eventually it overwhelmed me but it felt amazing while it lasted. And I remember being so angry with you because why couldn’t you just let me be happy? You were hurt that I left you and it frustrated me that I should consider your feelings once again over mine. Talking to you normally made me feel empty. You were so fucking busy, and I was so busy that i didn’t feel connected when we spoke. But with Ivan, I always felt so good. I always craved that. Why couldn’t you let me have that? Because it came at your expense?

We call each other best friends and the reason I say I don’t need you there for me everyday is because you haven’t always been there for me. The person I talk to everyday now is Levi, and maybe that’s why in your own way you can’t fully trust me. I understand that- the feeling of giving your all to someone who won’t give it back. I wouldn’t want to ask you to irrationally be there for me but there are ways to make me special, which I feel I’ve done for you such as birthdays. My last birthday was one of my favorites because you actually made it. I was hesitant in telling you to even come because I didn’t want to let myself hope. I would rather sabotage myself than be let down.

The things that I perceive important are different than what you want/or are used to giving. Literally the first time ever I got hurt by you was when i walked you home after SPI and wanted to come over to your house but you said no. Obviously I understood the reason, but at that time I was SO taken aback because I had never experienced that. I thought we were friends because we had been eating together and hanging out all the time that I didn’t understand why wouldn’t just tell your parents you wanted a friend over even if you were scared.

There’s been times in the past when you made me feel like utter shit. I’ve gone to bat with my mom in the past about you. I remember in college you told me that you couldn’t tell your mom about me because I wasn’t in school and “what’s there to really say”. you were afraid to stand up to your parents even tho I’m your best friend. I under at and it’s your personality and your life but it was painful. There was a point that, I don’t even think you were angry, but you said something like I was bad influence on you. And you said it off handed, not accusatory— you said that at the end of the day, it was still your actions— but that was hurtful. The reason I get pissed and jealous is because sometimes it feels like you do stuff for others that you don’t do for me. Like when Sarah came over to your place. Or that time we went to Brooklyn shuffle with mo and Naomi and you posted a picture of just you and her. I mentioned it and you called me Nadiya which aggravated tf out of me and effectively made me want to shut up. I know it was mostly irrational and not a big deal, but I was annoyed that I planned the meetup Cuz of my bday but you honored her. It was tiny, but still hurt me and made me feel little. (Yes I know you posted a pic of us for my actually birthday but that’s not the point).

The bachelorette thing annoyed me a lot how it happened, at the time, but when I look back it was actually almost perfect. Nadiya was the one who fucked everything up. And also me, for picking a shitty restaurant. But what annoyed me after was that you didn’t talk to Nadiya. You explained that because you don’t care for her as a friend anymore, and didn’t want to bring it up but I felt like I wasn’t prioritized in that situation. Like I was full of anger and just had to let it go without any resolve.

I rmmbr a few months ago Levi was away for work and I was feeling extremely low, and I asked you something like ‘what do you do for me’ and you responded by saying that it was shitty of me to keep count. I was feeling hormonal from the implant but it makes me feel lonely when i think you can depend on me but I can’t depend on you. I don’t ask a lot of you, or at least I try my best to not bother you too much, which is why it feels good when you do things for me on your own. When you show me that you’ve thought of me. There was this meme I saw that said “affection hit different when you don’t gotta ask for it” that’s how I feel, maybe that’s just me being spoiled idk

The thing is I’m oblivious which is why I like it when you tell me “this is what I did for you” bc it keeps me in check. If I’m constantly reminded you love me, then I don’t have to doubt it or be stuck in my own head. I know you show your love in less obviating ways but they mean so much. When you’re patient with me, I appreciate that a lot. I don’t like when you spend money on me. I love quality time. I love when you make me feel important. I often don’t feel like that which is why I bitch at you lol. It might all be in my head, but how can I be sure? I’m the only one thinking about it 🤔

I am bringing up all the things not because they necessarily bother me anymore but I want to stop holding on to all of it. Feel free to yell at me about the shit I’ve done to you too, I know there’s been a lot. But I do love you, even if we just love each other differently. Even if you don’t post as many pics of me on your IG as I’d like, and I don’t like the pics you do post of me🤦🏽‍♀️ I cant help compare myself to your other friends. Why do they get better captions than me🙄 why do you cook for them and not me. Why do I always compare myself to them and feel like I’m on the losing end. I know this side of me is crazy which is why I like to keep it hidden. I know that you actually do love me (I think). But I feel I’m constantly thinking about how I personally can make you feel good. How to be reliable. How to be there for you. Like that weekend when you were upset about Aaron not responding and him possibly canceling the date. I knew you were in a shit mood so i wanted to do everything in my power to make you feel happy and wanted. To stock the house, and cool for you, and spend money on you, and call your friend and surprised you so that you can cheer up. I know you don’t care for grand gestures and you never ask this of me, but i like to do it and telling myself to *stop* doing it will make me feel dead inside. It’s unfair to put that standard on you and tbh I don’t want that, but I love feeling loved. Talk to me and validate me and make me feel like your present in my life.

I know this is all sounding one sided but you have done a LOT for me through out the years too. I think I’m less mean and crazy with you now than I used to be. You’ve exerted a lot of patience and leniency with me, especially though high school but also after college. Like when we travel and I used to go crazy planning, you bear with me. I remember I used to make you read my long ass college essays even though your probably didn’t fucking want to. You giving me meaningful gifts that you thought I would appreciate. You’ve tried your best to keep up with me— to give me my space when thats what I asked for, to be understanding when that’s what I needed, to put up with my childish, demanding, anal ways. Those qualities haven’t gone unnoticed by me.

I also know that you’ve grown up more and are more aware of my emotions. I know you’re not clingy to the point that you’ll be extremely upset if I’m busy. You take my feelings seriously, and when you point our flaws in me I also try to take them seriously and improve them. Ive come to terms with knowing there won’t be a lot of interactions with you, but at least they can be memorable when they do take place. But that has to be mutual. You’re depending on me more now because of the Eric situation which is fine but I’m hesitant to let myself be fully vulnerable. youll get back to your med school life, and eventually find a boyfriend and it’ll be back to being distant. It’s not ideal, but that’s life. You won’t really need me or pull at me. We’re adults so it manageable but it’s not such a pleasant feeling. I guess I am afraid of feeling used and then being left to tend to myself up until when you need me again

I won’t have any crazy expectations. I don’t want to burden you with all this, just want to communicate my feelings because sometimes it easier for me to clam up. I was thinking maybe I need to start asking you the questions that I would like for you to ask me. That way you can get an idea of the things that I like to talk about along with what we already discuss. I don’t want to keep repeating, to you, that maybe you’re not talking to me the way I would like. It makes you feel like there’s something wrong with how you’re communicating to me, rather than how I prefer things. And it’s always better to show, than tell.

Part 2:

I read my letter to her on the phone and she listened and agreed. I don’t know if I told you, maybe I mentioned it briefly, there was a period in hs after parker and I broke up, that I went mia for a week. Jen and I have been talking obsessively at that point so for me to just black out, and leave her in the dark like that took a huge toll on her. She realized that ‘I’m my own person, and I have a life without her’ so in college she tried to become more independent, to the point that she shut me out. I felt really betrayed because we had told ourselves we would still be super close and things wouldn’t change blah blah. But it felt like she knew they were going to change and she kept it to herself. Side note, although I was mia for that week, this was like first semester 12th grade— afterwards we were the “same” still continued to talk everyday, every moment like nothing changed. But her heart had changed and she never really let me knew how badly it impacted her. In college we were separated because she had to study 24/7 to get into med school and I was dealing with the horrors of my own life. In her spring semester of junior year, we had a huge fight where I told her that she’s always unavailable and hasn’t been a good friend. Things changed a little after that, we started talking more regularly but still sparse. I don’t have a lot of memories of us from that period, but I did hold a lot of pain. As college ended for her, she broke up with her toxic ex and started talking to me more. Not obsessively, but much more than we used to and in the manner a best friend would like calling me at 2am bc she’s sad and can’t sleep and staying on the phone with me all night even tho I had work the next day. I did that because I knew she was hurting, and I was in a better place, and I liked that she was depending on me again.

The next year was her off year and I moved back to nyc from Boston so we spent that entire year together and it was one of my favorites. We finally got to spend the time and do the things we wanted to do together since college. Went out to eat, explored new places, but it wasn’t perfect bc we couldn’t go clubbing since she was still scared of her parents. There were issues during this period tho, where she made me feel like shit- I couldn’t come over to her house bc I wasn’t in school therefore she had nothing good to say about me to her parents. It was hurtful. When she left for med school I had become clingy again and felt her absence deeply- instead of being bitter like I was in college I decide to outsource. I became close to Caitlin and we started doing all the crazy things Jen wasn’t able to do. Like staying out until 5am, doing coke, binge drinking. I was always angry at Jen in the back of my mind for not being there for me, but rationally knew that neither of us had a choice. After a year or so, my husband moved to SF, Caitlin started becoming crazy and super unreliable, and jen was busier than ever bc of school and *also* whenever she would come to visit nyc, her bf only made her hangout with him. We WOULD talk but it felt so casual that it drained me. I hated it, I felt so empty from it. I know some people would say that at least there was contact/effort there but it wasn’t enough for me. I was working and in school full time and it was hard bc I felt I couldn’t depend on anyone.

Eventually Ivan came into my life and it was a whirlwind. It consumed me, I was so fucking happy. Too happy— I started (unintentionally) talking to jen less and less bc I was so overwhelmed. She told me last night there were long stretches of me and her not talking, up to an entire month at one point. I honestly can’t even recall that. All I rmmbr is Ivan. She felt betrayed again and it triggered that similar pain from hs. Became emotionally distant, but then once she and Eric broke up, she propelled into my arms yet again and started depending on me emotionally. It sucked for me bc yeah I’m here for her but it felt she only reached out when she needed ME but I can’t reach her when I need her. Because I have to just be okay with the fact that there will be times when shes unavailable but it’s unacceptable if I’m too busy.

In my letter I basically told her I don’t feel cared for when we talk bc she’s not vulnerable with me which makes me feel not valued. As a friend, she’s great but as a bffl she’s not cutting it. I also said that she’s going to leave for residency and I don’t trust that we won’t be distant again, so I don’t want to fully invest myself. She told me my feelings are valid and that she’s been holding onto that pain from hs for a long time subconsciously and it’s affected her actions towards me. She essentially told me she doesn’t trust me bc she has a fear that I can leave at any moment and so won’t allow herself to be that vulnerable and clingy with me. I thought about that- and I agree it has been unfair to her. Just because I’m obsessive and crazy doesn’t mean I have the right to cut her off bc I feel like she’s not there enough. As an adult I have to understand that. To just drop off all communication like that, of course it’s going to have an effect. She agreed that we should have talked about the hs thing 10 fucking years ago instead of now. I think ultimately it would have been the same— I would have always felt bitterly jealous that she’s away busy doing stuff with other people. For me, there is no amount of talking or texting we could do that would replace an in person relationship. And sadly, there’s no way to sustain the relationship we had in hs. For her, it’s physically not possible and for me it’s not emotionally a good idea. Im very 0 to a 100 and that’s not how adults should be. She told me that it would probably be a good idea for me stay guarded and not extremely clingy as she goes off to her residency because we would be distant. I feel better talking to her and getting every thing off my chest esp bc I got to hear her side. I understand now why she acts the way she does, which makes me not harbor negative feelings for her.

[tomlinspoooky]

big ass rant about everything in my life!! i know no one fckin cares but i need to get this out of my system and idk i dont really feel comfy talking about this with people irl 

(feel free to read and give me advice if u want lol i could maybe use some nice words) 

ok so first i need to talk about my dad. the thing is he’s always been a great dad, and i really have nothing bad to say about it, but he sometimes treats me like absolute shit for such small things. how can u still feel good about yourself after u told ur daughter off and got mad bc she didnt have the same opinion about renee zellweger’s face?? THAT WAS LITERALLY IT!! god he’s so weird and fucking childish it legit gets fucking embarrasing. i never bring people over (i dont even remember the last time i invited a friend home?) bc im worried he’ll do something weird, or say a weird comment, or fckn fight with my mom or my sister and i just cant take the it. the other day he called my sister thanos?? and when she asked him why he fucking snapped his fingers at her???? what in the actual fuck!, this man is 49 years old and that was his fucking response. also, god i hate that this bothers me he frickin rants with me(idk how to say it properly), like when we’re alone he tells me things one would tell a friend (that i dont think should be told to his daughter? but i dont tell him not to tell me bc i dont wanna be mean!!) and idk he complains about my sis or my mom, or shit thats goin on in the world, like things of that nature. why doesnt he talk to his friends?? i honestly dont even know if he has friends, which makes me feel sad, like i know people need to talk shit out so at least im listening to him. but honestly it does make me feel uncomfortable, but i cant tell him that bc he would get mad, i just know he would, and he would not talk to me and pretend like i dont exist for a whole week, and idk, i rather feel like shit about once in a while. anyway the last thing i wanna say about him is that it just pisses me off how racist and homophobi, fckn transphobic, sexist, and clasist(is that a word in english?), bc what the fuck man, how can u fucking praise white people so much?! fucking europeans??! why!! like they’re just tall fucking blonde people who were born in a different place, and that doesnt fucking mean they’re better than us latinxs!! (of course, not better than him, he’s their equal, better than everyone else in latinoamérica). and he’s fucking said this thing about how minorities are getting a better treatment than him and blablabla. and i just dont know how my own fucking father can be so oblivious to everything that’s happening in the world,, it saddens me that this is how he is and acts and fucking thinks, he used to be so different!! and idk what changed now :-(

boi that was long, anywayyyyy now im gonna talk about my sister, and i know i’ve spoken many times about her, but i just cant stop u know, its just,,,, shit. she’s got the worst fucking temper ever. look i dont even think of myself as nice or a good person or anything, but damn even i know how to behave and have manners?? she is so motherfuckin lazy i just can’t believe, uses my parents’ money for everything serious (like to buy things for my niece), but when she has her own money she buys just dumb ass shit? she just bought herself some doc martens, man, fucking doctor martens!!! and the worst thing about her is that she doesnt pay my niece the attention she needs, she’s always on her phone, and when she’s with her she gets mad right away and shouts at her (mind u my niece is 4 years old) my own niece told me she doesnt like being with her mom bc she is always on her phone!!! and she’s just shitty in general, like to a point i wonder how she even got friends bc i cant imagine someone standing her.  yes, i feel very crappy for talking and feeling like this about my sister, she has done good things to me and i know she cares about me (obvi its mutual), but it just sucks and hurts that she has become this shitty person, she used to be so different!! oh and also, she does spend all her time fighting with my dad over dumb shit thats not even worth it

ok last thing, this one maybe hurts me the most but what the hell. i really can’t look at myself anymore, i feel disgusted with my own body. (oddly enough im cool with my face? like i dont think my face is ugly, i just hate my body) its gotten so bad i dont even look at myself in the mirror (again, my body), and i really wanna do something about it, im thinking of telling my mom that i wanna go to the gym, but it would be so hard bc im shy and its just hard for me (my issue is that im overweight, thats why i wanna go to the gym) i feel really bad about this bc i know i shouldnt feel this way about myself, and i dont wanna!! which is why i wanna go to the gym and get down to a healthy weight, hopefully that would help me (and also im super sedentary? like i not only wanna go bc im fat, but bc i wanna be healthier) 

okkkk that was a lot, but i do feel better now

[defendglobe]

this line fucking hit deep. this was what upset me so much that i had to leave the house. because its too close to home.

not to be super morbid but like. that’s exactly what’s going to happen to me and i know it. i have almost no connections anymore.

every day i get more and more isolated. most of my old irl friend group doesnt talk to me anymore and for good reason!! they are doing so so much better now that im out of their lives and while im happy for them its a depressing pattern. i remember back in jr high how my friend group was the only thing that kept me going lol. it makes being alive a lot harder now that i don’t have anyone to live for you know?

tumblr friends are all fun and good but when it comes down to it i feel like they just like me because i say funny things sometimes. and that the only reason they give me the time of day is because of that and that they dont know me in real life so they can see what a fat stupid socially inept waste of a person i am.

and then i go and pull shit like fucking not speaking to irisa or helen for months because i cant bring myself to message them. they’ve got enough to deal with without my dead weight bringing them down even more. they deserve better than that lol. i feel like its only a matter of time before it happens to someone else because im just a drain on everyone i touch.  (if any of you read this im sorry and its really not you its me)

im such a toxic shitty selfish person. i make everything about me and am too stupid and/or self centered to think about anyone else. 

my roommates all think im damned to hell for being born a lesbian (and if they’re too dense to figure that out then they think im damned to hell for thinking that its ok to be gay or non christian or some fucking thing) and that’s fine!! whatever!! hell doesn’t exist anyway and i dont need their approval. 

it just gets so tiring having to fight every single day and being so in the minority in your opinion that you are never heard. especially when the fight you have to keep up is “there’s nothing wrong with my existence”. its just one more fucking thing. 

my fucking dad doesn’t even like me any more and even though ive tried so fucking hard to fix it things only get worse. i dont even really know why hes so angry at me all the time. is it because i couldn’t find a job this summer? because my mental health issues prevent me from being a normal active teenager and i have to do things a lot slower than most people?? because he thinks its appalling that im 20 and still live at home most of the time??

sometimes i worry that its because im gay. (lol there’s smething ive never said before!!) like hes ok with it as a concept but hes uncomfortable with having a gay daughter in reality. or because i dont want to have kids and hes from a very big family. i dont know!! he wont fucking communicate so who knows what it is.

and while i really do wish i could meet some girl and have a relationship how the hell is that going to happen when i barely even have friends and no skills to make them. the one time i did have a gf i totally killed it because im too goddamn distant and clueless with relationships which im sure made her feel like i didnt like her. (in reality i probably liked her more than she did me which honestly is all my friendships in a nutshell bc im so desperate for any interaction lol) and ever since things have been fucking weird and i know its my fault for opening my damn ass mouth in the first place.

who am i to inflict myself on anyone else anyway? im too goddamn mentally ill to have a relationship without making a hypothetical girlfriend miserable. i dont want to hurt anyone else with my self destructive shit. the self harming and the self isolating for days at a time or the terrible reckless shit i do that borders on halfassed suicide attempts. shit like stepping out into traffic without thinking or taking too many pills. ive stopped watching what i eat and what makes me feel sick. in fact i sometimes eat shit i know makes me sick on purpose. its weird i know. 

i feel i deserve it. i feel like hurting is what i deserve. for being so useless and unfit to be alive. i dont think im capable of happiness because of who i am. it feels like the only way i can ever be at peace is by not existing.

i just wish i didnt feel this way at all but some days it feels inescapable because of how isolated i am and how hopeless things have been for so long. i have nowhere else to go and nothing to live for and no one to stop me in any way that doesnt feel hollow and empty. 

im not planning on doing anything right now so please don’t worry about me. im alright for now. i just needed to vent.

[ioverwateredeverything]

i have so many thoughts!!!! i just need to vent ok ignore this!!!

i think im a rlly toxic person and i have the urge to cut contact w everyone that i talk to hmsldfjsdflkds i have no redeeming qualities whatsoever i’m a genuinely negative, pessimistic, selfish person and i just drag everybody down. i’ve lost 4 people who i considered best friends bc of the way i acted and treated them theres no excuse for that im so done trying to blame it on them nonono it was all me bc all i do!! is ruin everything!!!! i want everybody to forget about me omfg im 1000000000% positive everyone’s lives would just b so much better without me i dont positively impact anybody’s life. i feel so fucking sorry for the things i’ve done to my mom she doesn’t deserve to have a daughter like me. i know she wishes i was prettier and more outgoing and popular shes wanted that daughter since before i was born and all ive done is let her down and b the opposite of what she wants. ill never ever make my family proud all i do is drain them. the few friends i have would b so much fuckng better off without me. so many ppl have told my best friend not to be friends w me bc everybody knows im toxic and not good for her but she stays and i dont know y. i was rlly upset when she decided for that month to not b friends with me but i also knew that eventually she would realize how much better off she is without me. i just want all of my friends to cut ties with me omfg when the fuck will they realize that im bringing them down!?!?!? i dont deserve to b alive i rlly rlly dont. my life isnt bad at all honestly anybody else would feel so happy and grateful to live in my position and yet all i do is sit here and complain and its bc im selfish and ungrateful and a brat and dfsdfsdflskdjflsd i just hate myself so fucking much and not in the ‘omg im so ugly!!’ but in an ‘omg im a fundamentally terrible person and i want to change every single aspect of myself’. everything about me, physically n mentally, is disgusting omfg i have no good qualities?!!??!  like??????????????? everybody is supposed to have like that 1 thing that just makes them stand out and its the reason people like them but i genuinely dont have that omfg. i hate myself i hate myself so fucking much i wantt o die i rlly rlly do!! im not scared of dying im just rlly scared of what comes after. i go through phases where i either feel everything like rn and i just feel like one big ball of anxiety or i feel nothing and im just numb all the time and i hate my numb phases bc they scare me and i think thats what death is like, just nothingness and numbnes and i hate it i hate itsdfsdf i dont know what to do i feel like its the right thing to do to just??? die? like i rlly dont have anything to live for i guarantee i am not going to impact the world or even one person’s life like im completely irrelevant im not smart or talented or anything i have nothing to offer. rn im just a drain on everyone’s resources and i genuinely feel like it would b the right thing for me to do to just die and not exist anymore. i wish i had never existed!! i rlly do i rlly rlly rlly do i just want to go sleep one day and never wake up just keep sleeping and not having to exist and communicate and be around ppl and bring everyone down. my anxiety has been so fucking bad lately everything sets me off and everything makes me nervous and i cant sit still and my heart never stops racing i just want it to stopppppp!!! nothing good ever lasts!!! if i ever look forward to anything even the tiniest stupid thing, something will go wrong and ill end up disappointed and now im realizing that its pointless to ever b excited about anything bc itll just end up being messed up. i feel like i have ruined my entire life i would give anything to go back in time and just start my entire life over again. ive missed so many opportunities and i justds fsdfsdfsdfs im crying and i cant stop im so so so tired of crying every night i just want this to stop holy shit i acnt keep doing it i rlly cant!!! i wish i was happy and pretty and skinny and nice and one of those people who just radiated positivity and u want to be around them and i want to make the ppl around me happy and i dont want to keep just fucking dragging them down god holy shit just kill me