#bc i have a lot to process and relive i guess....

[autobahnmp3]

no bc it's crazy.

[prismatoxic]

If you could relive any memory of your past, what would it be?

ummm the whole process of flirting with/courting @captainfkingmagic probably

my life has had a lot of downs and the ups are mostly recent so I wouldn't say there's a ton I'd willingly put myself back into

but it'll be 10 years since we got together in a few months, and my memory isn't great and neither is his, so I think we lost things along the way. my life was shitty at the time and so was his, but also I remember flickers of unbridled joy and the feeling of falling so deeply head over heels for someone and I wish I remembered more of it

we have a very good relationship, there's no one I trust more, and we understand each other really well. sharing a fandom with him again has been so great. so it's not like I want to remember better times, bc those were not better times, but... I just wish I could tell people the full story, I guess. a play by play of how I fell for him and then what it was like working towards being together, and those early puppy love days. most of my memories are contextless emotions now, or events I've talked about enough over the years that they stuck with me.

for the most part I try not to dwell on the past, since it's not like I can change it. but I do wish I could regain those specific memories somehow

[dumybitch]

Well, guess who needs to rant again 😝😝

If someone decides to read this there is a tw for abuse 😘👍

So, for context I suffered abuse as a kid, I was not his first victim, and it was a known fact for my mom, but still she let me stay at his house BC my aunt swore up and down that it was a lie from the people claiming it. Anyways, now to the issue in hand: I fell stuck in life. Like I can't let it go, I spent a lot of time keeping it a secret from everyone, and then with therapy I got the courage to tell my mom and stepdad, it was rough 2 weeks between the precinct and exams and just a lot of burnout, but I thought I was going to get better. I thought was to forget it and move on, that was I going to be able to tolerate touch and maybe I would fall in love for the first time. But I'm still here. Stuck. And I actually got worse, I live on fear and anxiety of what's to come, what the consequences are going to be, I keep looking over my shoulder in the street afraid I'm going to run into him or his family, I keep having nightmares and just generally think too much about it. Why is it so hard to let it go? I'm really trying to not let it run my life, but I feel like it damaged me in unreversable ways, I'm scared I'm never getting a boyfriend, I'll never feel okay with my dad hugging me, and that my family is always going to walk around egg shells around me. But I know it's not over yet, the police process can take years to end and I'm always gonna have to relive it again and again, and no one will fully understand me.

Anyways maybe future me will find this in a better situation in life. I truly hope so

[britt-thats-it]

Being back on tumblr is so nice. It’s like I never left (except I can’t remember everyone I used to follow/they probs left too).

(feelsies under the cut)

I only left because this couple I almost dated (who took my not dating them very hard) sort of cyber stalked me here. I kept making new accounts and they kept finding them and showing them to everyone in the scene we were all part of and following all the people I was mutuals with and it was… not cool.

Anyway, I’ve been really struggling with grief since quarantine. I had a huge falling out with my sister who I had been living with for the last 4 years. Her lack of recovery was badly interfering with my recovery and I was so deeply triggered by her behavior that I was barely functioning. I was in a constant state of flared up, in so much pain every day, even laying down was uncomfortable. I wasn’t able to eat bc my reflux was going crazy, I was starting to drink too much (something I hadn’t struggled with in years), I wasn’t sleeping. The pressure of being home together all the time took its toll.

Coincidentally, divine timing being what it is, my partner and I were spending hours on the phone every day. Just falling so in love. We’d already been together for almost a year, but her two other relationships falling apart, career change, and my chronic illness and not remembering how to be in a relationship (lol— it had been a LONG time and I was fully down to spend the rest of my life alone) kept us at a bit of a distance. We had been very close friends for a couple years beforehand, so when we took things to a romantic level, the feelings progressed quickly but we just didn’t have much time for each other. Anyway, she invited me to come stay with her. I was only planning on 2 weeks, but I literally never left. Everything just felt so easy and sweet. We handle each other with such care. Over the last 3 years my life has become a kind of stable that I’ve never (I mean NEVER) experienced. I love it and I am so grateful for it.

But I remember from my trauma-filled childhood, the survival mode of the present puts off the feelings for later. It isn’t until you have a calm moment that the feelings about what you just went through hit you.

The last 7 years hit me like an 18 wheeler. Going no contact with my family, living on the road, losing my job and being homeless, moving to nyc on a wing and a prayer, living with my sister and reliving A lot of my childhood through her behaviors, struggling through the capitalist ass New York art scene as an autistic person while also being very poor, working my fucking ass off, *just* about to hit my stride and do this fuckin career thang and boom. Covid.

I made an album, collaborated on a friend’s album, started my podcast and wrote a book. I’m in the middle of making another album. All this while feeling myself really trust someone, really learn what partnership means, really feeling like an adult, but also feeling so so wounded. The grief has been the heaviest thing I’ve ever felt. I lost myself a little bit. Insert bloody goopy chrysalis metaphor here.

I did all this but not joyfully, not really. Something was missing.

I have been trying, in the last few months, to unironically find my bliss again. I lost my sparkle, I lost my drive. I really feel like I experienced my own metaphorical death. I was anxious and raw, I second-guessed every interaction because I felt like I didn’t know how to be a person. I was completely sober!! Just fucking raw dogging life!!! I was scared all the time. I forgot my passions, I forgot my purpose. I still worked on stuff, I still created (a lot that I’m proud of!!) but idk I just wasn’t the same free-spirited confident lil powerhouse I came to know myself to be.

I think I gave too much on other social media. I think I was too vulnerable and too available and it got me into trouble. I think I confused work for life and I soured my own creation process for me. It became too important. Every hobby, every passion became kindling for money making or making “it” or whatever. I forgot how to have fun. I burnt myself out.

I recently started remembering hobbies I had that I never shared with anyone irl. Exercise/weight lifting, which I picked back up again in February, slowly testing the waters to see if my disordered relationship to it would return, it didn’t. Feeling myself getting stronger being exactly what I needed (literally and metaphorically) and all the good stuff that does to my confidence. Playing music just for fun, just sitting down with an instrument and playing 😫 locking myself in a room and flitting around like a mad scientist creating something I love 😫 dancing 😫 meditation 😫 journaling 😫 pulling tarot cards just for me 😫 and finally, longing for connection of some sort; for actual vulnerability and not people just fucking marketing themselves all the time— I remembered how much tumblr helped me. How much it inspired me. How it helped me become the person who made all those scary changes, who learned who I am and learned how to walk away. So much good came from that decade I spent here, so I decided to come back.

It’s exactly what I needed.

[syn0vial]

Oh okay, I got one that I've been meaning to look up but keep forgetting to. So you've talked a little bit about Boba's time in the sarlacc before, and how it was... hallucinogenic? Or telepathic or something, and it showed him horrible things and played with his mind. But how did he get out?! And how did he survive for so long? Or was he not actually in there for too much time and it just seemed like forever for him? You'd think he'd die of dehydration or digestive acid would kill him, but do the books actually go into how he got around that or do they just kind of skip over it so they can focus on how it was mentally torturing him?

oh man, thank you for giving me an excuse to talk about the sarlacc! i love that horrible torture pit :3

so, to answer your questions:

how long was boba actually in the sarlacc pit?

honestly, probably no longer than a few days—maybe a week or two at most. due to the physical agony he's in and the sarlacc's psychic fuckery, it feels a lot longer to him—to the point where, when he finally gets out, he's genuinely unsure whether he might've been down there for months or even years. however, by the time he claws his way out and is found by dengar, the surrounding area suggests not that much time has past. the wreckage of jabba's barge is still there, though picked clean by jawas, the corpses of those killed in the battle still stink, and some of the critters jabba kept around for snacks are also still alive. though i don't think we get an exact time-frame afaik, these factors suggest to me that only a few days have passed.

2. how do boba and the sarlacc's other victims survive for long periods of time?

now, although boba himself was only in the sarlacc pit for a few days, it is true that there are victims within who have been in there for far longer—some, whom the sarlacc claims have indeed been there for centuries or millennia. where things get complicated is that, in at least some of these cases, it's their consciences (or at least echoes of them) that are still present in the sarlacc, even while their bodies have long since been destroyed.

let me explain. when someone falls into the sarlacc pit, their physical bodies start being digested. this does, indeed, seem to take a very long time and the victims perhaps live longer than one would expect otherwise. the mechanism by which their lives are extended is not explained, though at a guess, perhaps the sarlacc secretes some sort of substance that slows their metabolic processes, delaying things like starvation and dehydration. further extending the process is the fact that, when the sarlacc decides that it likes someone, it will intentionally digest them piece-by-piece instead of all at once. case-in-point: boba relives the memory of a corellian gambler who is eaten "from the outsides in," the sarlacc ripping off and digesting his limbs one by one over the weeks/months/years, before it finally cracks open his rib cage and begins to root around in his organs. so, once that happens, game over, right?

well. kind of. the thing is, the sarlacc, being psychic, has what seems to be the ability to... absorb its victims minds. or at least their memories. it's kind of ambiguous which. but boba hears its past victims talking to him, telling him about how they fell in, how they tried to escape, what the sarlacc did to them, etc. now, it's possible that those people are well and truly dead, body and mind, and that the sarlacc is just fucking with boba by mimicking them. buuuut, given that the sarlacc is only sentient in the first place bc of all the people it's eaten... it doesn't seem beyond the realm of possibility that it's telling the truth and that its victims (at least, the ones it likes) live on in some horrifying incorporeal state within it.

which makes it all the more fortunate that boba got out so quickly. bc the sarlacc definitely liked him :)

3. how does boba get out of the sarlacc pit?

oh, this is my favorite part :D

so, you know how the sarlacc is psychically linked to its victims and feeds on their suffering? well, it's having a great ol' time in boba's noggin, forcing him to relive all these horrifying memories and hear the tortured voices of everyone who it devoured before him. but sometimes, the sarlacc gets bored and will pull him back into the present to have a little existential, acid-drenched chit-chat. and every time it does this, boba gets angrier and more focused, to the point where his hatred for the sarlacc is so strong, that he's actually able to fight against its psychic intrusions. here's a great description:

He struggled up out of the vision, fought it wildly, carried himself up out of the nightmare on the back of a wave of fury and abruptly was back, there in his body with the pain of the burning acid all around him, suffused with a clear, lucid, thinking hatred, an emotion so dark and deep and pure the Dark Lord himself might never have felt its equal.

given a brief reprieve from the sarlacc's game of memory-share, boba has time to observe his surroundings and come up with a game plan. he notices that the sarlacc responds physically to emotions—when he had sensed it laughing inside his head, he had felt the wall he's lashed to shudder. boba also knows that, though he can't reach it with his arms and legs bound to the wall, there is an emergency activation switch on the back of his jetpack that will activate if he pushes it down (which is, hilariously, how he got knocked into the sarlacc in the first place). so, he reasons—he needs to get the sarlacc to accidentally flip that switch the same way solo did, which, given the close quarters, will probably make the jetpack explode and might just grievously injure or even kill the sarlacc.

(it might grievously injure or kill him, too, but hey! beats being physically and psychically devoured by a torture monster over the centuries.)

so, how do you get a reaction out of a psychic monster that's currently all up in your brain? well, boba reckons: you feel. a lot. so he makes a conscious decision, musters up what strength he has left—and unleashes a lifetime's worth of anger and hatred at the sarlacc. like, just fuckin' screams at the thing for daring to call itself sentient when all its done for 4000 years is mindlessly abuse its victims, even the ones who were kind to it, even the ones it claimed to like, all because it's too stupid and cruel and cowardly to even imagine another way of life and it's so pathetic and oh my god, he hates it so much.

and this psychic emotional overload is so strong that it literally gives the sarlacc a seizure. the whole structure is spasming and shaking and crushing boba tighter and tighter against the wall and this finally gives him the pressure and leverage he needs to flip that switch on his jetpack and blow himself up.

the explosion wounds the sarlacc, throws boba from the wall, and briefly knocks him unconscious. when he comes to a few seconds later, everything is on fire and the sarlacc is still alive but he's no longer immobilized, so he takes out his concussion grenade launcher and fires it at the ceiling, which results in an explosion that breaks his arm and knocks him unconscious again but also begins to rupture sarlacc's flesh. when he regains consciousness once more, he just keeps firing grenades above himself until he finally rips a hole through the sarlacc's hide, causing a small avalanche of sand through which he's able to claw his way onto the surface above.

and that's how boba escapes the sarlacc pit! which i just love tbh, bc here's a man who has intentionally cauterized his emotions and connection with other people, who has empathy literally forced upon him and instead of letting it break him, he weaponizes it and turns it into a psychic atom bomb. he's like "YEAH, I GUESS I GIVE A SHIT ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED TO ALL THESE PEOPLE NOW AND I'M SO. FUCKING. PISSED ABOUT IT. DIE."

and i think that's beautiful.

[unknownwriting]

ｓｕｍｍａｒｙ- requested: hc with s/o as a surrogate

ｃｈａｒａｃｔｅｒｓ - Donquixote Doflamingo, Trafalgar Water D Law, Donquixote ‘Corazon’ Rosinante

ｗａｒｎｉｎｇｓ- pregnancy (but I mean y’all already know that...)

ａ/ｎ- jandjjdd im taking my driving test and I’m so scared, I’m already on my 2nd try 😭 update: I PASSED!! GUESS WHO CAN NOW DRIVE 🤪

(Unedited)

Trafalgar Water D. Law

Law would be understanding with your idea of becoming a surrogate. Personally Law doesn’t want kid, but if you want to become a surrogate Law will definitely let you. As long as you don’t cheat on him and all that

He may be a bit jealous and may give you a bit of a cold shoulder, but he is watching you get pregnant with another mans baby, so even you aren’t too upset about it.

Now with that all being said, Law is amazing with the pregnancy. He’s a doctor for goodness sake. Both you and the baby are going to be health as hell.

He and the crew, which he forces, are going to monitor your like every move. Well not necessarily but it’s gonna feel like it. Although it’s not y’all child, he’s a doctor and it’s just become a habit.

It’s annoying and frustrating half the time. Not being able to do everything you want do it but somewhere in the back of your mind, you know he only does it because he loves you. You can always rely on the crew to help you cheat a bit on your diet and such too.

Law also makes sure to meet the couple too. He wants to see what type of people they are and why they chose to get a surrogate. He definitely doesn’t just want to see the guy your gonna have sex with However, Law is still understanding. Especially since he had medical issues growing up, he understands why the couple would want a surrogate.

Now, although it could be annoying having a strict doctor looking after you, there were definitely a lot of perks to it. 1- you didn’t have to do like any chores around the ship, 2- you know for a fact that baby is gonna be hella healthily, 3- you can order everyone around and they have to listen to you.

It’s was very easy pregnancy, almost too easy. It was definitely not how you were imagining it to be. But a painless one is better then nothing. The only painful part was the labor and even then Law made it as painless as possible. It was wasnt for the baby bump and occasionally cramps you could’ve swore you were never pregnant.

Donquixote Doflamingo

Surprisingly this man is very understanding, or more like he doesn’t really care. He cares but it’s your body, so he’s gonna let you do what you want

He honestly couldn’t have a day anyways bc you were already pregnant when you told him so he only had 2 options: accept it or kick you out. And Doffy is a family man so there’s no way he’s kicking you out.

However your kinda on your own when it comes to the 9 months. Because you got yourself pregnant you got to take care of yourself, is what Doffy says but of course everyone comes to your aid anyways.

Your basically the ruler of the family now, you can easily order everyone around and they’ll practically listen to you every time. Perks of being pregnant....I guess.

The Donquixote family may be a cruel one but when it comes to each they have a soft spot. So once they found out you were pregnant they were all over you asking questions and all that.

At some point Doffy also ended up giving you a bit of a cold shoulder but it wasn’t for long. He was just a bit jealous with how much attention the others were giving you and at the fact that you were carrying another mans baby but he was able to get over it quickly.

The pregnancy was pretty normal. Doffy made sure you had your personal doctor that was always on standby and the others are always at your sides

The only problem there would be is that Doflamingo is a very.....active guy. So during the 9 months he gets a bit...pent up. You’d have to constantly remind him but besides that he pretty much leaves you alone.

Although Doffy pretty much leaves you alone and let’s you do your own thing, however in his own way he’s definitely watching over you and making sure your ok.

Donquixote ‘Corazon’ Rosinante

This man is so sweet and kind. Omg I love him so much 🥺🥺

With that being said, Of course Cora is open to the idea of you becoming a surrogate. Although he’s doesn’t have the same medical experience as Law nor does he have a lot of people to look out for you, Corazon is probably has the best fatherly intuition out of all of them.

It’s one of those things that’s need a lot of communication and talking about. It’s a big change and big deal within y’all relationship. I mean, you carrying someone else’s baby, another mans baby. It’s a pretty big deal. But if it’s what you want, of course Cora would love to support you.

Now like before Cora isn’t medical smart like Law or know a lot of people close enough to safety take care of you, but he tries his best to make the pregnancy as easy as possible for you. In which he does an amazing job.

It’s the little things that he does that just makes, you feel so much better and relived. Going grocery shopping, washing your hair, propping a pillow under your legs, cleaning the house, sitting with you during the doctor appointments.

He always ends up apologizing that he can’t do more, but you constantly reassure him that he’s doing amazing. You honestly couldn’t ask for more.

And even before the pregnancy, Cora went out of his way to meet the couple who wanted the baby. That right there was just the sweetest thing he could’ve done. He was just so supportive and open.

When it came to finally giving birth to the child. Cora was once again right there with you throughout the whole process. From the moment you walked into the hospital doors a few days earlier. He was always with you, he even slept in the room.

And when you had to push the child out, he was there holding your hand and wiping the sweat off your forehead. And although the labor hurt like hell, you were so lucky to have someone like him at your side.

[sageblogsthings]

untitled eldritch horror wip info dump

tw: this wip will explore some pretty heavy psychological themes. i didn’t get into anything too heavy here but just a heads-up! :)

y’all i have ideas and i need a void to scream them into so here goes

inspired by this ask i answered, tysm anon for the instant inspiration!

themes: human mortality, selfishness, morality, the hubris of man, corruption and evil, psychological horror, sanity and being brought to the brink of humanity, exploring the border of the unknowable and falling in

aesthetics: the howl of a single coyote, but you can’t tell if it’s sad or in pain. the snapping of a twig right next to you but nothing’s there. flashlights reflecting off of what you swore were eyes, but now it’s just a copse of trees. flickering neon lights at the laundromat. old hoodies that are soft on the outside but worn and tattered on the inside. dark brown eyes, almost black, with irises blown wide. half grins that don’t reach the eyes. downcast gazes under a mess of dark hair. dusty sunlight beating against black walls. the one corner of a room you never look in, but aren’t sure why.

Cain = main protag, he/him, cursed to become and eldritch god

stereotypical Emo Boy

dark hair and brown eyes, wears lots of hoodies

“permanently exhausted pigeon” is his entire aesthetic

The Ancient Ones (might change name later) are a council of eldritch horrors. These Horrors (will probs call them smth else later) have incredibly long lifespans (think eons), but they can die

before they die, they are responsible for securing a replacement for themselves. however, the process of becoming a Horror takes an incredibly long time

there’s a reversible stage, and that takes about as long as a human lifespan

the irreversible stage starts after the time when a human would typically die, but becoming a Horror keeps them alive. this is the stage where their last bits of humanity fade, their memories crumble to dust, and they gain their full eldritch powers

Horrors typically recruit someone to take their place when that person is in their 20′s-30′s so that enough of the Horror transformation process will occur by the end of the reversible stage

The Ancient Ones have a list of candidates that they want for each designated Horror. so now u might be wondering, what are these said Horrors?

despite their name, the Horrors do actually have a purpose other than to scare people

they are guardians of areas where humans are not permitted to cross, usually areas of highly concentrated magic or ancient sites which cannot be disturbed

so each Horror is tied to a site, and the exact type of Horror will depend on the site

for example,,,may i offer u another character i have already createdsksks

her name is Esther (i think?? definitely an E name tho) and she guards an ancient cemetery where extremely powerful wizards and sorcerers are buried. she has a lil ghost cat that she befriends who helps her scare people away from the graves. Esther’s Horror form manifests as a giant, massless void with tree branches sticking every which way. her form is designed to invoke a sense of fear and helplessness, like being trapped in a grave.

Now why would one become a Horror u may ask? that is a fine question i answer

become a Horror is a contract you can never get out of. so while some people might become Horrors to protect someone they love, for most people they wouldn’t do that bc the person you love only lasts a lifetime and the Horror lasts for much much longer than that

ultimately what i want to explore is what it takes to push someone to the brink of humanity (what else is my philosophy major for honestly) and make them agree to a life that lasts eons without any of the things that made them human

when you become a Horror, you lose all of your human memories, so a lot of people choose to become a Horror to forget. they think it will stop the pain, not realizing that it will also erase everything that made them them.

Cain is a weird exception to this though:

Cain, rather than being selected to be a Horror, was cursed to become one. And while he forgot almost every memory, there is one that he is forced to relive over and over: the face of his love (name in progress lol). 

still tryna figure out what he did to piss off the Horror tbh

but yeah he sees their face (his LI is non-binary!) every second of the day but the nature of the Horror begins to creep into his visions and distort his memory of them, poising him against them

when Cain is first cursed, his LI is still alive, and though he wants to love them more than anything, seeing their image twisted and broken and wrong behind his eyes makes it unbearable to look at them

after they die (of old age bc they’re human) he feels relieved. he’s disgusted with himself for feeling that way, but for once the visions finally stop.

but then he sees them again. just walking around in town. and his heart sinks.

aaaand this cycle of them dying and being revived has continued for thousands of years, and is bound to continue until he stops being a Horror and dies

sooo idk the point of this wip is to figure out why that's happening bc that’s very unusual for a Horror

Cain must’ve pissed somebody tf off but he’s not sure who or why

he also at some point has to deal with the issue of who will take his place when he stops being a Horror

he really should’ve conscripted somebody by now but y’know being tormented for your entire existence really puts a damper on your productivity i guess

and then there’s the fact that his LI just cannot die, like that’s a bit odd he should probably deal with that one day

so uh yeah that’s what i’ve got so far?? might make an official intro later but rn it’s just all marbles knockin around in my noggin lol so i’ll just keep adding ideas to this for now probably

i shall title this one day but for now it is eldritch horror wip lol

if you’ve made it this for bless u beautiful soul <3

[breadknight-likes-things]

Bread’s Game Journal 08/14/20: The Shadowlands Pre-Patch Seems....Incredible.

So, holy crap, The World of Warcraft Shadowlands pre-patch seems like a huge change to the game in a lot of ways, some big some small, but all of them pretty damn incredible!  There’s plenty of places you can go to get all the information on this thing in a way that’s far more explanatory and concise than my rantings, so i’ll for the most part just run down the things that excite me the most about it!  Without further ado:

- The Level Squish :

So we all knew the level squish resetting the level cap back to the games original 60 was coming, but did we know it was a part of the pre-patch?  Because I sure as hell didn’t!  I’m absolutely ecstatic, as someone who really loves the leveling process, that leveling a new character will finally be a manageable and semi breezy task.  No more will I have to dread certain outdated expansions being done in a hard line sequential order.  I’ll no longer need to worry that it’ll take me up to 60 hours, even with Heirlooms, just to get my new character up to the games newest content!  The level squish is so long over due that I almost can’t believe it’s actually happening.

- Chromie Time:

Chromie Time, on the other hand, is something I’ve desperately wished for for years now, and the fact it’s actually happening is astounding!  Essentially, instead of a linear path through all the old expansions, often outpacing all of them in very annoying ways, you can just pick to do whichever one you want!  Have a fondess for Cataclysm Era Old World?  Level your whole character there!  Want to relive Legions world ending stakes and excellently paced leveling zones?  You’re free to do so!  No more are expansions just pit stops on the way to cap, now they can finally be experienced and appreciated as the things they are, not just shells of the content they once were!  Hell, this will be the first time I’ve ever actually been able to properly play the Mists of Pandaria content, so that alone is huge for me!

- Plague of Undeath 2.0:

I honestly thought it was insane for Blizzard to do this event again with the whole....you know...actual real life plague going on, but damn if my excitement is proving to me why they probably stuck around with it.  I want to see it happen all again.  I want to see the zombies start out slow, not really a threat.  I want to see Stormwind devolve into a horde of the undead, I want to see it get worse and worse every day!  This was all so badass when it happened in BC that the idea of an updated version, one in which you also actually strike back at the zombies by going to Northrend to cut them out at the roots, just sounds about as cool as possible to me now.

- The Removal of Dreanor (and Legion!) Flight Requirements:

Okay this one is small, especially since I am a crazy person who already got Legion and Battle for Azeroth flying.  You know what I didn’t get though?  Warlords of Dreanor flying....and you know what I've desperately wanted for years now?  You guessed it!  Going back and earning flight in Warlords of Dreanor seemed genuinely crazy in 2020, like so much time wasted for a power that doesn’t really do anything for me now, but hot damn am I excited to hear that i’ll just be getting it for free in the Pre-Patch!  I can finally explore some of the weirder areas in Warlords of Dreanor without needing to be constrained by ground mount movement!  This could even be huge for this blog, I love the design of Dreanor so much but I never really wrote about it because it was such an odd outlier or an expansion for me to ever consider getting Screenshots of!

- Transmog Changes:

Another small one, but also another no less cool one!  Starting with the pre patch, everything that isn’t armor earned via Shadowlands itself is fair game on all characters from level 10 onward!  Now there’s still room for improvement here for sure, I don’t see why Blizzard doesn’t open up all armor appearances to all classes, but that’s beside the point a little bit.  I was so sick and tired of being stuck with one look for my characters leveling through older content, and now I can just look like anything I want them to look like within their armor type almost right away!  Finally, my level 10 warlock can throw on tier gear and then get the crap kicked out him by a gnoll!  It’ll look cool, you’ll see!

[bettsfic]

WHAT have you moved onto post tgcf I literally restarted it again now that I finished the extras and want to relive it but also dunno where to find svsss or mdzs. Also I just realized San Lang goes by third son bc he's the third incarnation of his ghostly self and its so cute to me? 😭 I love them so much.

oh fuck and here i had a whole-ass headcanon about how hong-er/hua hua had older siblings. but yeah no that makes way more sense. (i may or may not have outlined a “the entire backstory from hua cheng’s pov” au because somebody has to write what hua cheng saw during the Land of the Tender scene right?) 

i haven’t been able to move on tbh. i just caught up with the manhua and i’ve been obsessively watching (and rewatching) the donghua week by week. i’ve been reading fic too which is mostly all pretty good so far, even though i’m looking for something slightly more, uh. textured, i guess. i don’t know how else to put it. like i love what everyone’s come up with but there isn’t a lot of longfic yet, and i have yet to find that kind of 20k-ish slowburn modern au with a hozier title that just breaks me in half. 

i have over 10k of hualian written across a couple WIPs. one is a modern au based on book 4 characterization where hua cheng is xie lian’s father’s overnight hospice nurse. the other is a weird modern au where xie lian is a former cdrama stunt coordinator whose career is over because he got badly injured, and hua cheng is a (much younger) artist and they’re roommates. no clue where that one’s going, but so far there’s a lot of xie lian cooking bad food and putting hua cheng’s hair up in crooked ponytails.

here’s svsss and mdzs. and here’s a translation-in-process of mdzs that i’ve heard good things about, if the first one doesn’t suit you. and here’s my pinboard of danmei recs and carrds i’ve come across. aaand here are my hualian fic recs. 

if you come across any fic or danmei that hit the spot like tgcf, let me know! i am also Suffering. 

[2021ssajka]

This month has been very challenging for me. (personal post below, you can read it)

From having plans to go back to the Philippines, to cancelling that plans all together. I initially wanted to go to the PH because I wanted this to be my gift for myself as I am graduating with 2 majors. I wanted to visit my family there and spend time with them, as well as my dad (sick). 

My dad and I dont have the best relationship, so it has been even more challenging for me. 

Ive been in America for 10 years now and this whole time Ive always wanted to go back and be with my family there since I love them very much and they are a big part of my life. Ive always imagined a nice vacation and going on trips with my cousins. Painting in my little terrace of my childhood home. basically reliving my old life when I was 12. I still kept that dream till now.

I am only now realizing that, that perception of the Philippines I had in my head is still the vision I had when I was 12. I am realizing now that its a fantasy and not the reality. 

------

This planning process for the Philippines was super last minute and impulsive, given the pandemic and me finding out my dads condition is not getting better. I booked a flight right away without any plans whatsoever. I was hoping it would be a spontaneous time where my family would bring me around to places and etc. I was even just fine with just staying home and just being in the company of my cousins that I missed so much. 

Everyday since I booked that flight, there were complications and drama rising. My dad has becoming paranoid and his narcissistic ways are coming back and has been triggering me. We have been fighting a lot since then which turned into getting more people involved with this fight. Resulted with me having a major panic attack and meltdown that I do not want to go at all. 

All the bad memories I had of him in my childhood came back. Everything was coming back to me- everything that I have burned at the back of my head and forgot about. I thought time has healed me but I was wrong. my past trauma came back and I felt like I was stuck into this trip without knowing what I signed up for.

I was not okay for many days. I felt like I was a helpless child he were able to control, manipulate and emotionally/mentally abuse again. I kept praying.

It was then that the Philippines announced that there were implying a travel ban on the day I booked a flight. I felt that this was God’s interfering in order to protect me from him

--------

This has been an eye opening experience for me. 

Growing up in a traumatic household and moving to another country made me deal with things differently. I realized that me being overly positive and optimistic and being grateful for everything is a trauma response. Its a survival response. 

At a young age, My body did not know how to process these traumatic events and emotions so I shutdown. Its like when you have an accident and your body go on emergency mode and you wont feel the pain. I think that is what my body went through. I remember a time when I was a kid and I was numb for a year. It was through art when I tried healing myself and holding on for hope. 

for a long time- till now, everytime those events in my childhood are being talked about, i literally have a panic attack and I shut down. I cannot listen to it or talk about it without crying. 

When I moved here. I started a new life. I had a clean slate and I tried to forget everything bad that has happened. Its like I cleared out all the bad memories and held onto the good things, thats why I had such a fixation in my childhood in the Philippines because after a while, I only believed that I had a good childhood there. (i didnt have a right grasp of my real past). This also explains the reason why I wanted to visit that place so bad- bc i can only remember the good things, and I had a breakdown when my bad past caught up to me because that no longer existed in my head. 

This explains my fixation in my memories of the Philippines in my art work and why I use happy colors. I only saw that place as the “good place” when in reality there are many bad things happening in that country (not only in my personal life). 

ive only realized these things now... 10 years later when everything came back to me as flashbacks when my trauma was triggered. and it explains everything in my life especially in my artworks. it explains why I do what I do and I have such empathy for myself because I realize that the artist in me is the kid in me 10 years ago. 

-----

I realized that when I moved here, I viewed the Philippines as my ESCAPE. my safe haven, the place I would want to go back to and retire to since this was my home at the age of 14. I had such yearning for that familiarity when I was living in a foreign place that I developed such fantasy in that place.

I started painting when I was dealing through traumatic events in the Philippines, just when I was about to move here. I used to paint encouraging words in my art, having it as my sense of hope in those challenging times. 

I guess that still lives on in my today. I still use my art as my sense of escape and I am only realizing that now. I have always mentioned that these landscapes are my “safe haven” and now I understand why. Ive always referred to my art as a “healing act” but i never really understood why. 

I realized that my view of the Philippines is different from reality. I made this to be a romanticized place where I had a nice childhood in but that was not the whole story. 

------

This is why it is so hard for me to reference anything negative in my work. Ive always used my art as a positive act, to bring hope and encouragement. I still stand with that. I still resonate with my work and it is still valid. but now I see my work as two sided. Its not only that narrative but also the past that I have forgotten about. 

I have always had trouble with my art classes because teachers would always push me to do negative emotions in my work- so not just positive but also the negative aspect of the full spectrum of emotions.

This has always been a difficult task for me because I dont want that. My body rejects it. I used art to heal and they would want me to express the nasty emotions here. now I understand why I react that way. 

My mother is also a trauma survivor of my dad. So her, my sister and I share these experiences together. This also comes from an immigrant narrative who had nothing on her back when she came to this country, literally building herself up from dirt. My mom is the one who would always teach me to be grateful, to appreciate what we have and to be positive- to the point that thats all I did. to the point that it buried all the negative emotions and memories that I was not able to heal completely and is now still in that place. 

--------

its a lot. its like I just found out a different past that I never knew of. but im so glad I figured this out now. Its like I finally have an explanation why I am who I am today. Everything is valid, there is a reason why dealt with that problem that way and I dont regret it. 

Im just so glad I finally have answers. It just explains so much and im mindblown lol

I am not comfortable having this as a narrative of my work even if it is probably the main influence of the work i do. Im also not comfortable of talking about this personal story with other people and in my work. 

I just refuse being an abuse survivor as my story... I am more than what I have been through... so im trying to figure that out.

I am now trying to know myself again, my full self. 

Im excited to see how this changes my work hehe

[enthusiasticmusicalquotes]

QUESTION OF THE DAY #12: What is your opinion on theatre bootlegs? Spill as much or as little tea as you want.

MY ANSWER: it would be incredibly hypocritical of me to say there’s nothing good about them. i discovered a couple of my all time favorite shows through bootlegs, and when i was a high school/college-aged theatre nerd stuck in the midwest (which i still am, just a bit older now), they brought me a lot of comfort that i could relive my favorite shows again. that said, i can understand POVs re: they weren’t filmed with consent from the actors. however, actors who are speaking out against them need to realize that mainstream theatre needs to be made more accessible in one way or another for poor, disabled, and international theatre fans. tldr: bootlegs aren’t going to go away if celebrities disavow them, but theatre might be able to become more accessible if more of them talk on THAT instead of how evil bootlegs are.

SUMMARY OF ANSWERS: out of 41 responses: 21 were an enthusiastic heck yeah, 13 weren’t as enthusiastic but still along the lines of yeah i support them, 3 answers were like eh i can see both sides i guess/leaning towards no, and 4 people outright said nah bootlegs are not the answer. All the answers under the cut!

if you wanna fight or agree with anyone, refer to the # and send in an ask or reply to this.  

also: while i agree with much of what was said under the cut, i will not come out and say which ones i agree with and what i don’t. my opinion is above and that’s all you need to know about what i think. i do not necessarily condone or agree with anything below. okay, enjoy reading.

1. Anonymous said: I may not be the biggest fan, but I totally get why they exist and have watched a few when they pop up

2.  Anonymous said: for the qotd: bootlegs are godsends

3. Anonymous said: oh god i literally just went on a tangent on twitter just now but bootlegs good!!!! people willingly watch blurry footage of a show bcs they want to know what the show is like, want to experience it live. bway shows arent accessable for everyone (due to prices and distance) but ppl still want to know what its like performed on stage. bootlegs literally dont harm the community. ive seen poto boots, proshots and the tour yet id willingly pay 2 watch again. boots make theatre more accessable imo !!

4. Anonymous said: Boots are good to get a glimpse of different productions? Like even despite Proshots existing of certain musicals, I'd still be curious regarding other interpretations of it! And also besides this it definitely helps make shows accessable to people who physically cannot watch the show!

5. galactic-greens said: I truly see no harm in bootlegs as long as they are treated respectfully. While the creation and consumption is technically a crime, it by no means whatsoever makes you a bad person. It's essentially documenting theatre, and ensuring generations to come will be able to experience what could have been so fleeting. They maintain a community, and as long as NFT dates, masters, and general spread of bootlegs are respected then there really can be no problem. It's just a way to immortalize the art!

6. Anonymous said: On bootlegs: oftentimes they’re the only way someone could be able to see a show, because not everyone can afford the tickets or even the cost to just go to New York for a show. However, it should be acknowledged that filming obviously in the actors’ faces is pretty rude, but at the same time bootlegs at least give a chance for people like me to see shows I might never get to see otherwise.

7. Anonymous said: I love bootlegs because I don’t have the means to be able to travel to see shows or afford tickets, i also do theater and i feel like the point of the art is to share it as much as I can

8. Anonymous said: i've never seen a large-scale live show bc they are not accessible to me. bootlegs are amazing. truly glorious.

9.  Anonymous said: i understand that this is a rather unique experience, but i live in nyc, so bootlegs never measure up to the real thing for me. i know that this isn't something everyone can be lucky enough to say, but live theatre could never be captured in the form of a bootleg-- i don't even like released proshots as much as the real thing

10. Anonymous said: for me bootlegs are fine for those who can't see it live because of the price and they are living from another country though i know there are a lot of actors disagrees about it

11. Anonymous said: as someone who can't afford to go to a professional production of anything, absolutely gimme a bootleg. obviously I wouold prefer, like, a proshot of a show and I really hope that becomes more of the norm (I watched the Newsies proshot on Disney+ and had the happy wiggles for hours afterwards, and I can't wait for the Hamilton one to come out) but until that starts happening I'll take a bootleg any day.

12. Anonymous said: I like that it helps people get into fandoms/musicals that they wouldn’t’ve otherwise but I would prefer if theatres professionally films them.

13. maycombhoney said: they will be a part of theatre culture until live theatre is made accessible for more people

14. Anonymous said: bootlegs are great and until the theater community decides to produce pro-shots i’m all for them

15. zoueriemandzijnopmars said: I would personally feel kinda bad for watching bootlegs, because it won’t directly bring money to the people who worked on the show. I don’t judge people who do watch bootlegs though, because let’s face it, bootlegs are not a replacement for actually going to the theatre and it’s not gonna lose the creators actually money. It might even make them money, because people will listen to the album/buy tickets anyway when they can. I’d just personally be more comfortable watching a proshot

16. Anonymous said: I don't pretend bootlegs aren't stealing but whatever harm they do is abstract enough - and my decisions are drop-in-the-bucket enough - that I do it anyway

17. Anonymous said: I’m totally fine with bootlegs. I’ve watched so many of them that it wouldn’t be fair if I wasn’t. The fact is most people just aren’t able to see shows. Either they live too far away or they can’t afford it, and if this is the only way someone can experience a show, it’s better than never seeing it at all

18. Anonymous said: i think bootlegs are important for accessibility but i really wish more theatres would release proshots. i wouldn't even mind if it were after the broadway run or after the original cast is switched out, but i think it's valuable to have those recordings out during the run of the show to get more people interested and actually wanting to go out and see it. plus, if they're worried about money, they wouldn't *have* to be free. just cheaper than tickets and travel.

19. Anonymous said: about the question of the day, honestly i think bootlegs are fine as long as they're done respectfully and the filmers aren't distracting with it

20. locke-writes said: For the question of the day: If there’s absolutely no way I can see the show live or from a professional recording then I’m going to watch a bootleg. Theater should be more accessible and sometimes a bootleg is my only way to access a show. Having been part of film crews who have shot live theater I think a lot of the lack of pro recordings is the idea which that theater is difficult to record. It isn’t. Give me a pro shot show over a bootleg anyday but I’ll take what I can get

21. Anonymous said: My opinion on bootlegs is I prefer professional recordings ONLY because bootleg quality is terrible for my auditory processing problems and I hate the washed out quality. But since professional recordings are rare (unless you are, interestingly enough, Sight & Sound Theatre); for everyone else: BRING ON THE BOOTLEG! ~ Stripe Conlon

22. Anonymous said: Bootlegs are complicated! As a fan/consumer I think they’re okay, especially considering how inaccessible theatre is for people living in other countries, people who can’t afford to experience shows live, and disabled folks. But as someone who also performs, i understand that it can be distracting and legally complicated for actors who are trying to do their best and did not consent to being filmed that night. I just hope that pro shots will become more common.

23. penguinated said: Bootlegs are fine. They don't cost Broadway a thing since people will literally never not pay to see live shows (except during covid of course). and for many people, seeing a certain show with a certain cast will NEVER be possible, so what's the harm in watching the bootleg? The bootlegs aren't the problem, it's the inaccessibility of live theater, ESPECIALLY Broadway shows. If more things were available to stream (i.e. BroadwayHD) there wouldn't be a need for bootlegs. Bootleg away, imo.

24. Anonymous said: until theatre is made accessible to everyone and there is a proshot released for every show, bootlegs are absolutely necessary for the prosperity of theatre

25. Anonymous said: It's so sad that people think bootlegs are necessary! and it's even sadder that in a way they are. however, too many people use them as an excuse to not pursue alternate affordable alternatives for theatre (such as broadway hd, pursuing local shows including high school and college theatre, and utilizing legally free shows online). In addition, bootlegs absolutely CAN be unethically sourced- recordings of locally produced shows can get theaters in trouble and bankrupt them with legal fees. and if you're recording something from Broadway (which is fine imo usually), if you're actually making people PAY for your illegal recording, that's profiting off the work of others and is both very unethical and exploiting the very people many bootleggers claim to work for the benefit of. When it comes to bootlegs, it's one thing to pass around shows that have finished their runs on Broadway for free- but there's too much unethical and even HARMFUL bootleg behavior and it needs to stop.

26. Anonymous said: since Broadway is too rich and doesn't wanna spend money(for some reason) streaming their shows, then bootlegs are the only option.

27. Anonymous said: Theater is so inaccessible that bootlegs are necessary for a lot of people because with a lot of shows you can’t get a good idea of the show just from the soundtrack but people that share nft boots are assholes

28. Anonymous said: Bootlegs do more good than harm. Those against bootlegs are elitist and don't understand some people cant afford hundreds of dollars in theatre and plane tickets. Bootlegs make people crave the live experience more, a dark and shaky video with shit audio doesn't satiate the desire to see a show live. And if the show is closed all the more reason to watch a bootleg!

29. lynntjeeee said: Theatre bootlegs are amazing and are why there are fans. I live in a country with no musical theater (except the occasional sucky original production with a local celeb who can't sing) so if it not for bootlegs I wouldn't be able to watch any shows and wouldn't be a fan (thus not spending money on cast recordings, etc). People need to realise this, bootlegs do not harm the theater, in fact it only helps it. If there were official recordings, there would be many more fans (and thus more profit!)

30. Anonymous said: Opinion on bootlegs: They wouldn't be necessary if the theater industry would get with the times and release professional shots of their shows on streaming services/cable.

31. Anonymous said: I think that people are really overreacting about bootlegs. ESPECIALLY bootlegs if shows that have already closed- you may never get a chance to see that show! Ever! Now there’s an affordable and accessible way to see shows that people would kill and die for. It isn’t losing Broadway money, in fact it is bringing more people into the medium. Maybe if full proshots were more common I would feel differently, but since there is literally no other way, boots are fine.

32. Anonymous said: Bootleg opinion: just go absolutely hog wild. Fuck it. Be gay do crime.

33. Anonymous said: Bootlegs are one of the few things that are keeping me sane right now, plus the fact that not everyone has dat cash money to see the shows live, so yeah they're good stuff (as long as they are available online w/ at least vaguely good sound quality anyway 😆)

34. Anonymous said: I see it both ways. I can understand why those in the profession are against it; it’s their hard work that’s getting pirated. But I’m also poor. I have no access to theatre outside of cast albums and bootlegs. I don’t watch bootlegs because I personally feel guilty, but I will not and do not judge others if they do.

35. whatdoscissorsdo said: I think broadway bootlegs r okay?? eat the rich amirite

36. Anonymous said: I trade and watch bootlegs and don't plan on stopping, but I've recently realized that it must be super uncomfortable for actors to be filmed without their knowledge or consent, or just to have to have on their minds that they might be being recorded at any time in a performance. Like, I've happily watched Many™ Spring Awakening videos in the past year, but I doubt Alexandra Socha is that thrilled knowing there are videos up on YouTube of featuring her nude at age nineteen.

37. i-am-having-an-emotion said: they will remain a necessary evil until theater is more accessible to the masses. seeing real live theater is always better than a boot but literally like 95% of people can’t access live theater, especially at a broadway caliber, so like..... do The Poors not *deserve* theater??? what are we supposed to do BUT make bootlegs?

38. ope-okay said: bootlegs are blessings from heaven and no one can convince me otherwise

39. Anonymous said: I think it can really hype up the want for the musical. And a really good boot release can bring new creations to an otherwise small fandom. Personally I’m more interested in seeing the musicals I’ve seen boots of than the musicals I haven’t

40. Anonymous said: On the topic of bootlegs, I think they’re great but like especially for people who do not have the means to go see the shows during their runs, I feel like if you do have the means to go see the show you should do that instead

41. Anonymous said: I have a REALLY hard time with bootlegs. Because artists deserve to be paid for their work, and there are a whole host of copywriter issues that come with the mass production of a show. In addition though, I understand the anger you feel at not getting to see a show live, however there are so many resources available to help people get the idea of their favorite show even if they never see it. Honestly Wikipedia is my favorite resource, as often that has a full synopsis of the show. I’ll read that and then listen to the recording a bunch so I can understand the story and imagine what it may look like. A lot of shows put clips on YouTube, the Macy’s parade, the Tony Awards, NBC does a whole broadway week, there are so many ways that you can get glimpses into these shows without resorting to bootlegs (which at this point are still illegal) I’m not a supporter of the “theater must be seen live” idea. While I LOVE live theater (and as a performer I like feeding off an audience) but I’ve see shows with just proshots or just the movie version and they are still just as good. Unfortunately I think the only way we’re are going to make theater more accessible to audiences is through time. Bootlegs I think only make people less inclined to record shows and mass produce them. There are a whole lot of legal things that go into that as well. What I can say is what I’ve done. Read up on the show, watch all the clips you can, sometimes scripts are posted online maybe read those, listen to the album, look at pictures. It SUCKS that theater is exclusive, but bootlegs are not the solution.

let me repeat: if you wanna fight or agree with anyone, refer to the # and send in an ask or reply to this post.

[longinglook]

Hi Anna. First of all let me say that your post was brave to tell your opinion and a part of you. the other anon clearly didnt care abt what you had to say apparently - - ' [ im not english ther will be mistake sry ] Anyways i wanted to share My opinion too if thats ok. I agree completely that internalized homophobia (isnt) shouldnt be a trope, but sadly for me some or most bl shows "use it" a lot and in a "bad way". at least it used to be a loooot like that. like EVERYTIME a guy start to have

[2 / 4 . feeling for anothr, he uses violence! they all do! im so sick of it! people have so many layers and just punching someone for two episode and then getting with him for me thats not it… So i gues thats why some people are “fed up” abt this éstoryline’ its bc sadly its always done the same way. And on my part, I relate much much more to Tine (at laest at where we r now on the show). Bc for ones I feel like Im reliving the same emotions as him.]

[¾ . And its not happening right off the bat, its sllloowly and confusing and lots of interogation and curiosity. Bc yes bls are…what they are. *usually “StRaiGHtss” who suddenly fall for other guy, and all his friends too psshhhh. But with Tine (or 2gether) I feel its defferent. like i really see the process and its just just…wonderful?how it feels so reel bc i get it? bc he is the only one that doesnt beat himself up/disgusted. So i like this progress(???) in this bl bc it shows finally]

[4/4 . an OTHER WAY to deal w/ discovering urself. lol for me it took 7years to accept/understand that im not straight and my mom beeing a homophobe didnt help lol buttt… i still see myself. Take care of you. and if its not yet the case i really hope one day youll be proude of who you arethats why i didnt like bls at all. or ig just thai ones i guess? bc i watch other queer shows and i find them fine.] yes, straight people sometimes do really ruine things dont they xD (lol jk no offence)]

Hello!! Thank you for sharing your opinion with me! 

I am also 100% against shows going the “violence” route as a response to confusion and internalized homophobia because it just makes no sense and it’s not fair that the two things get linked as if abuse would be a normal reaction to it. If you are confused about your feelings/sexuality and decide to take it out on someone with violence, that’s a big no no. Sadly some dramas have done that and it has always bothered me so much because it feels way too over the top and unrealistic. It’s a huge step from feeling grossed out with youself for being attracted to same sex people to deciding to beat someone up for it, one that most people wouldn’t make because normal decent humans don’t go around hurting people like that.

One point that I really wanted to make is that having and feeling internalized homophobia doesn’t make you a bad person. For example, Tine being so open and accepting of himself doesn’t make him any better than a character that would need some time to sort out his emotions and be okay with them. It’s not the same thing as being homophobic, which would entail being prejudiced and closed minded. As I said before, if the confused character decides to get violent with it then yeah he’s an asshole, but being confident and calm about your sexuality just makes you luckier than someone who isn’t, not better.

It is nice and refreshing to watch Tine slowly come to the realization that he likes Sarawat, he feels jealous when he’s surrounded by girls, he likes his company and he’s used to his flirting and welcomes it at this point. It’s nice that we haven’t seen him panic, he hasn’t needed any advice or consultation, he’s acting the way he would if he had found out he had feelings for a girl. I do like this because it makes the show feel lighter and more positive, and so far it’s not overdone to the point of being unrealistic. If all of his friends end up with boyfriends by the end of it I will be a bit annoyed though lmao. For example I think theory of love did a great job with balancing out the straight/gay relationships. I’m not saying I want a straight relationship in every show because that’s boring and unnecessary and if I wanted straight rep I’d watch literally any other show, but they just don’t need to make every single male character gay by the end of the show. Also give us lesbians I am begging you please

My experience with internalized homophobia is specific to being a lesbian, I identified as bi for a really long time and was completely fine with it, but would get extremely annoyed and defensive if someone questioned my attraction to males. I had to work a lot on it to realize that I have tons of internalized lesbophobia to the point where I can’t say I am a lesbian out loud (I’ve come out to a lot of my friends but I was never able to say it, I would have to use words like “I like girls” because the l word still makes me feel nauseous). All of this to say that I’ve known I’m not straight for over 10 years and yet I still can’t get past some stuff, and I’m tired of people acting like it makes me worse than people that are completely chill with it right off the bat. 

I hope this was clear enough and didn’t offend anyone 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

[soundofseventeen]

Idol AU (Jeon Wonwoo)

Hi everyone! It’s Erin with another Idol AU. It took me all day to post this because I was debating rewriting this for another idea (but I think that’ll work better for a oneshot, so). Without further ado, our favorite sloth. 

“Come on! That was so cheating!” You yelled into your phone, hearing laughter at the other end.

“Hey, that was totally a fair play. You just suck at this game.” Wonwoo said from the other end, making you shake your head. You had been playing games with someone you met in an online gaming room a couple months ago, and you two had gotten pretty close. Your friends even joked about how cute of a couple you were though the most you had ever done with him is a phone call so you shrugged it off

“Listen, it’s not fair!” You yelled back, and he just laughed again.

“Listen, it was fair!” He said back. You shook your head, groaning as you fell back on your bed. You could still hear Wonwoo laughing. You looked at your phone and saw the time.

“Oh shoot, I should go. I have a big day tomorrow. Therefore, you’re going to be playing by yourself until Sunday.” You said, shutting down your game system. You turned your phone off speaker, and put it next to your ear.

“What do you have going on tomorrow?” Wonwoo asked, and you could hear him shutting his system off too.

“I have a concert.”

“Oh fun. But... You’re free Sunday?” He asked, and felt your heart start to beat faster. 

“Uhm... Yeah, what game were you thinking?” 

“Actually... I was wondering if you maybe wanted to hang out... in person. There’s this cafe downtown that has a lot of books, and they have really good smoothies...” 

“Oh... Oh! Uhm, sure. I uh... I would like that.” You heard Wonwoo chuckle, and felt yourself grin. 

“Then it’s a date. So what concert?”

“Have you ever heard of Seventeen?” There was a brief pause and then Wonwoo chuckled.

“Of course you would be into Seventeen.” He laughed, and you felt a little offended.

“Hey, they’re good!” You defended, and he continued to chuckle.

“Yeah they are, I just should have guessed.” He said. “So, who’s your bias?”

“What?”

“Come on, you gotta have a bias. Who is it?” He asked again, and you thought about it.

“Ironically, he has the same name as you, you nerd.” You said, and he paused again. You heard him chuckle again, and you couldn’t help but notice how he sounded a little flustered.

“Good choice. Okay, I’ll let you go, enjoy your concert tomorrow HyruleSavior.” He said, hanging up the phone. You blinked a couple times before putting your phone down. He hadn’t called you your gamertag since you first started playing.

*

You plopped on your bed the next night, a grin spread across your face. You had the best time at the concert with your friends, wanting to relive every moment in your head. You even got to do a fan meet with the boys, which was amazing. You couldn’t help but notice that your bias, Wonwoo, seemed a little distracted the whole time.

You were going through photos and videos on your phone when you received a text, from your gamer boy.

‘How was your concert? Have fun?’

‘Oh yeah! It was the best night!!’

‘Good, I’m glad😁 ’

You suddenly remembered that you would be seeing him the next day, and felt your heart start to flutter like crazy. 

‘So I was thinking meeting at like, noon tomorrow?’

‘That works for me! Can’t wait to trash talk you in person 😘’

You’re eyes widened at what you just sent him. Did you just send Wonwoo a kissy face?? You bolted up in your bed, and a hand rushed to your forehead. You took a deep breath, and saw another text come in. 

‘That’s some big talk for someone who keeps losing’

‘LISTEN HERE BUD’

‘ANYWAY the reason I texted you is because I kind of don’t know what you look like’

‘Your point’

‘How am I supposed to find you tomorrow?’

‘Take a guess’

‘Ooorrr you could send me a picture’

‘Nope’

‘Why 😥'

‘Bc I don’t have any good ones nerd’

‘I seriously doubt that’

‘nope’

‘pleaaaaaaaaaaaase’

‘If I send one, will you stop and let me sleep?’

‘yes, 100%’

‘Fine’

You scrolled through your photos until you found a selfie that looked semi-decent, and sent it to Wonwoo.

*

“Oh my God.” Wonwoo said, looking at his phone. Mingyu turned his head towards his friend.

“What’s up?” He asked, looking between Wonwoo and his phone.

“She was at the fan meet today. The girl I’ve been playing with, I met her today!” He said, a grin on his face.

“Let me see!” Mingyu plopped next to Wonwoo, and Wonwoo showed him the selfie. “Wow, she’s cute.”

“I can’t believe we actually met today! That’s going to make tomorrow easier.” He sighed, leaning back on the couch.

“Why didn’t she say anything then? I was sitting next to you the whole time. I’ve heard her yell at you on the phone.” Mingyu said, turning to his own phone.

“Because she didn’t know it was me.” Wonwoo said, and Mingyu looked at him.

“Wait, she doesn’t know who you are?”

“Nope. She did tell me I’m her bias though, so I should have that going for me.”

“And you’re meeting her tomorrow?”

“Yep.”

“Wow, this poor girl has no idea what’s coming.” Mingyu said, causing Wonwoo to chuckle.

“She might, she asked for a picture back.” Wonwoo said, quickly sending a picture from earlier in the day back.

*

You sighed at your phone, sitting the cafe. You had no idea who you were looking for. When you asked Wonwoo for a picture back last night, he just sent you a picture of Wonwoo from Seventeen. You sipped your drink when you phone rang.

“Hello?”

“You know you never texted me back last night. Was my picture that attractive?” You heard Wonwoo say, and you rolled your eyes.

“I asked for a picture of you, not of an idol you idiot.” You laughed, and heard Wonwoo pause, then chuckle again.

“Well uh, that was me.” It was your turn to pause.

“What? That’s not possible…” You said, and tried to think of how this was a prank.

“It kind of is. Turn around.” You made a confused face, slowly looking around you in the cafe. Once you turned to the right, you froze. Jeon Wonwoo was standing by the counter, phone to his ear. He gave you a small wave, and you just blinked.

“Oh my God.” You said, and he just chuckled, walking towards you and hanging up the phone.

“Surprise.” He said, sitting down across from you. You were trying to process this. How have you been playing video games with Jeon Wonwoo for the past couple months and never figured it out?

“You’re… but… How?” Was all you could say, and Wonwoo just looked down and giggled at you.

“Not gonna lie, you’re cute when you’re flustered.” He said, and you froze again. Did he just call you cute? yes

“So uhm… Hi?” You said, trying to sound like you weren’t freaking out. A waiter brought over Wonwoo’s drink, and he smiled at you.

“So you still think you could beat me at Mario Kart, huh?” He asked, taking a sip of his drink. You rolled your eyes as he smirked at you.

“Think? Oh I know I could.” This led into a conversation about which games you have to play together to see who would win, and your first date with Wonwoo, your gamer boy.

[maxxiies]

.･:*:･ﾟ’ twenty year old cis male maximillian 'maxxie' st. perez III was made in the upper east side and attended st. judes. he still resides in new york, and are currently a socialite and philanthropist. they are spontaneous utterances of useless facts, worry bitten fingernails, overlapping maps as wallpaper, astronomy projector lamps and a cozy reading nook in a personal library. onlookers say they resemble froy gutierrez.

hello my name is celia and i love this rp so much that i have taken up my last allowed character to complete some sort of deal with the devil and in exchange i will get the power to play this many characters and not experience stress. neat!

BACKSTORY 

maximillian is the first born son of the st. perez family, named after his father ( maximillian st. perez II ) ... duh that’s how that works okay 

the st perez name is linked to two things -- status and philanthropy 

in addition to running multi million dollar companies ( both his parents being CEO of their separate endeavors ) they’re also linked with tons of charities and have a joint non profit benefiting wildlife in threatened ecosystems

i like to think of them like the clooneys. successful in their own right but turning right around to make larges donations and using their status-laden voices to speak out for causes they believed in

maximillian spent his childhood doing lots of traveling for his parents’ work and for their humanitarian efforts. he grew up very well cultured and it shows

he also demonstrated unusually high intelligence and recollection abilities, prattling off stats and financial terms his parents used around him as early as four years old 

that’s also around that time that his little brother was born. he was an ‘oopsie’ baby but maximillian just loved him twice as hard because he was just sweet that way. 

anyways so maxxie started going by maxxie because his name was too much of a mouthful for his lil bro and they were :’) inseparable

somewhere in his childhood, maxxie got tested for his atypical language / comprehension abilities and that’s where they found out he’s got an eidetic memory. 

they watched his iq grow exponentially and tbh,,, they were thrilled

what a better heir than someone who remembers every single fcking detail of every single thing? already at age 10 he practically could have been hired on lol

you get the idea -- anyways, he focused all his energies on learning stupid facts because for all his big brain, he’s incredibly socially awkward as many geniuses are. he didn’t have many friends besides his little brother and spent most of his time in their library reading and rereading all the books he could find.

the st. perez family has been based in the upper east side for a long ass time but do so much travel that it’s always like ‘oh i’m back from ____ insert country here but in two weeks i’ll be gone again’ so if your character is from literally anywhere? probably could have met maxxie.

it ain’t his secret but two years ago, his beloved baby brother od’ed at a party hosted by margot & carter. he was there when it happened and was in the ambulance ride over and essentially watched the person he loved most have a complete and total collapse. we’ll unpack that more over time but let’s just say it’s given maxxie a lot of trauma to deal with and a lot of rage he doesn’t know how to process

PERSONALITY AND PASSIONS

definitely socially awkward. think reid from criminal minds just missing cues with an inability to ‘read the room’. what he lacks in social graces, he supplies in absolutely useless facts.

a lot of ‘uh... so did you know that on average, 12 newborns are given to the wrong parents every day? messy huh!’ 

some of his favorite things are travel documentaries and true crime podcasts but basically anything where he can glean large quantities of information to occupy his ever restless mind 

i’d say about 95% of him is fragile, gullible and unsure. he wasn’t bullied but he definitely didn’t have a ton of friends throughout school. in fact a lot of the time, his younger brother was probably the one who got him his friend group bc i picture him as more the charming reckless party boy sort who would understand maxxie’s,,, awkwardness

brother would get invited to parties, he’d invite maxxie. they were inseparable and i’m mad at myself for that character point 

but that 5%? the 5% that isn’t soft and awkward and lovable? grudges. when maxxie feels something, he feels it passionately and without any chance of budging. the thing about an eidetic memory is that you remember literally everything. details you may want to suppress are conjured to mind without even wanting them.

essentially a living source of receipts -- boy could be gossip girl or at least the robin to her batman

MISC

would have graduated st. jude’s early but stayed around to help as like teacher’s aides and things. also kind of needed the social exposure

experiences nightmares hardcore, most of which center around reliving his brother’s OD

probably holds stupid records like 10th fastest person in the world to solve a rubiks’ cube or 5th to know the digits of pi

he’s got serious wanderlust and gets restless when he hasn’t traveled outside of new york for long stretches of time

has a fascination with the stars, space and black holes. he likes the idea of infinity and endlessness because he feels like his head is an endless abyss that stores information without filling

he’s breezing through college courses currently set to graduate early with a degree in psychology but plans to pursue grad school and a doctorate before potentially adding math or a language degree as well.

relationship wise, he’s definitely not an avid fan of dating. he’s just not good at it. flirting makes him squirm but he also craves companionship and is a bi prince so i mean i guess date him? love him? cherish him! 

that being said i do picture him having maybe one or two soft innocent relationships over the past 6 or so years so hmu. ( still a virgin though -- just food for thought )

PLOTS 

best friend -- EMERY

fake friends 

family friends -- GIULIA, FEDE, MIA

someone he tutored -- JAMILA

unrequited crush -- GIGI

protective over him -- AUGUST

flirtationship ( probably one sided but cute ) -- FEDE

first kiss -- MIA

one or two innocent h/s / early college relationships -- CECE

unforgivable grudges -- MARGOT & CARTER rip

trying to get him out of his shell

bad influence / party buddy 

someone who reminds him of his lil bro-- THEO

uh, honestly anything ok

TRAVEL BUDDIES -- FEDE

[kosegruppaa]

(1/3) hi! ik you don’t rlly care abt skam austin but i saw your answer abt the american “version” of the original characters & i just wanna say sth i guess: i feel like it’s a given they would be similiar. first off it’s a remake, so ofc Julie can only adapt her own source material into sth that is true for american high school experience esp in texas (which means yes football, cheer team, etc, but all sorts of other clubs too like journalism which ppl seem to ignore)

(2/3) i mean i get not wanting rehash things all over again but that’s kinda inevitable w adaptations? at the end of the day it’s clear skam is abt eva, noora, isak, sana & their respective journey, the same way that “blank” is abt ella & hers(so far), yknow? we should know by now that format isn’t exclusive to skam. expecting new storyline/characters for the US version doesn’t make sense bc the show wouldn’t even be skam anymore, it’d just be another “blank”/skam-inspired series abt young ppl.

(3/3) anyway, at least they seem to be bringing sth new to the table w skam austin. don’t get me wrong, it’s fine if remakes aren’t ppl’s thing in general bc i totally get that, but if ppl judge skam austin for being sth that it’s just *not* then that’s just going to make them & everybody else who’s surfing the tag unhappy lol. personally it’s been a while since i last watched skam & i didn’t watch other remakes so i’d like to relive it again this way that’s all!

isn’t that what i said though? that they would probably be the same characters, at least at the core? it does actually seem like there are some new characters and that some of them are different though. which is a good thing and can make this a bit more exciting! and i don’t think most people are expecting brand new storylines, but at least enough of a change that will bring some excitement even if you know the original story lines? 

but tbh, everyone watching and following this remake should be prepared for people to be more critical and having higher expectations of this remake than of the others. because it is julie andem directing it, and i think that a lot of people, including me, have a bit of a complicated relationship to her. on the one hand, i really love so many things about skam, and i think she is a brilliant director and writer in a lot of ways. but she has also written a lot of stuff that i really dislike, and that people rightly criticize her for. on top of that, this remake is at least part of the reason why the original ended early (how much we’ll probably never know, and i think for how people feel about it it does really matter anyway). so yeah. i think you just have to accept that people are going to judge skam austin for having really lame names, and for having a kinda lame teaser etc. and for whatever we don’t like about that show when it actually starts.

about how much of a copy it will be - we just don’t know yet! i think we’ll see a lot of the same characters but from what i’ve seen people post about it seems like there are a good amount of changes too. and possibly new characters as well. i think the reason why i at least expect some changes (not neccesarily in basic character outlines etc. but more so in other character traits, some plot lines and issues) is because of the way julie andem herself has always talked about skam. from the first interview up until her announcing that she was showrunning skam austin, she has emphasized the fact that large parts of the show are based on the in-depth interviews, research into the target group, input from the actor etc. so while i get what you are saying about not expecting everything to be brand new, i think there is reason to think that the core of skam isn’t just the individual characters and stories that og skam did. it is also about the process and the ideas behind it. but we know next to nothing about how the actual show will be yet, so i am not really judging it based on that.

i still do not get why they would call it “skam austin” though, that just seems so stupid to me (especially when we already have two remakes like that.. and probably more in the future..). if the remake is going to be close enough that it follows the same basic plot, then making your new audience having to google the title and find the original show in order to understand what it means (and then maybe just watch that and find out all the plot twists etc. - i do kinda belive they have changed enough to avoid that though) seems kinda… stupid??

if you’re excited about this remake, that’s great. i just am not. and i don’t particularly care about it. at least not yet. and that feels good tbh. when it starts, i’ll give it a chance (and more of a chance that i’ve given the european ones, because i do love julie andem’s work!), and maybe i will become excited about it! but if i don’t that’s also fine!

[bluebuckstallion]

hey not 2 be moody or anyth but im gnna vent a lil bit

so uh. the last few days i was @ my dads i was rlly delusional n erratic nd i saw way more shit than i usually do (along w auditory bs) and i literally didnt sleep at all most nights,, 3 hrs or less which is weird for me during summer,, esp @ my dads. but anyways, on the way to meet my mom he got rlly pissed ovr smth trivial and i jus,, couldnt stop flinching bc god its not like he was gnna hurt me but literally any man raisng his voice makes me cry almost instantly when its tht close to my fuckn ears especially when it was literally unexpected n long story short he said i was rlly goddamn lazy or whatever n we didnt talk for an hour n a half lol it was a shitty carride

and on top of tht. i found out tht half my house burnt down while i was gone! the ac caught on fire. so we were (are) living in a fuckn hotel again, jus like in december-march, lol. my mom couldnt take the rats anywhre so we assumed they died from smoke inhalation (my cats n one of my dogs already got fuckd up over tht) but. yea. we had to keep all 4 of the cats outside during the scorching heat n we managed to take the dogs w us but damn. n on top of tht my uncle is back on heroin n he was presumed dead for 6 days, after stealing my grandmas only mode of transportation n fleeing for the va border. th only contact we had from him was him cussing my mom out (good on him tbh) and on top of THT my grandmas fucked bc she put out a report on her truck being missing n then revoked it so shes in trouble for harboring/helping a fugitive lmao,,, n at this point we can only assume tht my uncle might be dead so yeet

also th person im engaged to is prolly gonna break up w me but im too scared to even talk to them bc ive been tryng so hard to ignore the fact they traumatized me physically but wtver! its cool i guess. they keep talking abt killing themselves

anyways thts jus the small stuff. on top of tht, ive been blacking out way more thn usual when i drink nd apparently ive been fighting my mom every time i drink aswell so??? yah thts had a shit ton of bad consequences

n my favorite thing in the entire world, my cat peach, literally got her torso n below mauled, and its so bad tht shes on morphine n we cant afford her bills even w the red cross helping us. she dislocated her hip or smth and its rlly fucking bad bc jesus tht cat is my baby shes the only thing i care abt ive genuinely never loved smth so much and ik its dumb but idk what im gonna do if we have to put her down bc thats still smth tht might happen and honestly i jus dont fucking know what im gonna do if we put her down. shes my baby

before she got attacked tho, the same dog almost ripped off my other cats ear n rlly fucked up his head but hes healed a bit so its cool. th same dog attacked my other cat too but hes recovered already. n we dont know who owns the dog bc we havent seen it (our neighbor has been keeping us up to date n shes been trying to feed n water th animals)

my Other cat got stolen for a couple of days n the police might get involved over it lol,, they took him for awhile n hes back now but he was missing for ages. ppl have tried to take one of my other cats too bc hes an f4 bengal,, they sell for a lot,, but hes managed to evade it. th other one probably got taken bc hes a kitten n rlly naive. but hey the good news is my animals havnt died yet

also! i start school on monday! lol! everythngs going rlly great

idk more shit happened but im still trying to process a lot of stuff bc eugh

long story short: was rlly delusional n erratic+audio/visual hallucinations n getting no sleep, so i was practically on suicide watch again, stunted my already horrible relationship w my dad, found out half my house burnt down, assumed most of my animals tht got left behind were dead, living in a hotel again w my 6yo brother+mom+3 animals n relapsing a lot, i black out most nights but when i wake up i usually find out ive fought someone n self harmed a lot n face the consequences, person im engaged to might break up w me but i cant msg them to find out bc i get anxious bc i relive trauma they caused tht rlly fucked me up sexually, uhhhh my uncle is a fugitive and might be dead, hes using heroin again, my grandma is in trouble for harboring+helping a fugitive bc she put out a report on the truck he stole from her n then revoked it, found out my favorite living thing in the world (my cat peach) might have to be put down n im rlly unstable over it, she got attacked by a dog rlly brutally along w two of my other cats n the fourth one got stolen, im gnna have to deal w one of my friends havng feelings for me but i rlly dont want to confront it and i start my frst year of high school in 3 days! hooray

edit: ALSO i might have to confront th fact a girl i havent talkd to in abt 3 mnths tht i had a thing going on w is rlly unstable and i dont know if shes alive lol!