#bc i can NOT sleep i need to process all thats happened

[kirishwima]

today is. one of the shittiest days i have ever experienced

[hydrossity-zone]

Ive batch-processed 15 Sonic SpeedSim models over the past 5 hours I swear I can smell colors

[phagodyke]

woke up feeling ruffff but took my meds and went back to bed for a while n I feel a bit better

[jamesbukkakebarnes]

.

[bcolfanfic]

need more about the bucks' baby micah, headcanons or blurb i want more!!! (please, and when you have time ofc)

for ref

doing this in headcan0ns list form bc im tired from the time zone switch back to the states

the bucks do, as reffed in that blurb, turn the car around from going to wisconisn to go back to wyoming. end up having to get a hotel somewhere for the night so they don't drive more or less 20 hours roundtrip themselves into an early grave. but yeah.

swing josie by gale's sister’s house on the way back to sheridan. don't explain all the details but have to give her *some* explanation when they go from headed them to wisconsin to now suddenly back in wyoming.

maybe don't explain that this baby is her biological sibling right away but just. say that someone they know needs help with their baby, and that they gotta go back because they don't want him to be in the hospital by himself. pretty word salady but they're exhausted and she's five so. it is what is for the time being.

get to the hospital and get scrubbed in to down to the nicu with natalie to go see him. john's head still feels like his head is still in in spin-mode to the extent that he's not really processing everything fully.

but gale sees that itty bitty baby in his little nicu incubator with a little tube in his nose and is just. distraught.

has to sit down after a minute because its making his chest hurt. he just can't fathom how little he is and how he's in *danger* and how connected he already feels to him.

he gets reallll "woowoo" about the fact that he finally brought up wanting another kid to john all of 20 minutes before they got the call about him. feels like he somehow already intrinsically knew about him before he actually knew.

so kinda the reverse of how it was with josie- gale instantly feels bonded to him and john has a little bit of a harder time.

loves him so much already, is worried sick with all the preemie health stuff he's got going on. its just hard to process how fast everything is happening. if him and gale had sat down and decided to go the infant adoption route that'd be one thing.

in that case he'd have a lot more time to work through his hurdles re: being scared of having a baby, of being responsible for someone's life from scratch etc etc. but here he only had the drive back from wisconsin.

calls his mom a lot. calls curt a lot. that helps.

lil guy doesn't have a name for the first week of his life lmao. they just call him buddy and baby boy and then john is sitting up w/ gale one night and asks if he's given any thought to his name.

they land on micah curtis. micah as a riff off of michael the archangel, and curtis after their best friend (:

curt cries when he finds out. sweet man.

john's mom comes out from wisconsin and when she's there at the hospital that's when both the bucks go to gale's sister's house and have to explain to josie- the best they can- the full details.

poor peanut is so conflicted about Everything. has been confused about not seeing either of her dads in the same room for almost two weeks. is excited about having a baby sibling- but confused about why if he's /her/ sibling from her mom why she can't see her mom.

just a lot of Big Feelings, which gale and john handle the best that they can. good dads <3

i think it finally really Clicks for john when micah is doing okay enough that theyre allowed to hold him. looks at that lil guy in his lil nicu baby beanie sleeping on his chest and just. yeah. big thats my son, i would do anything for you feelings.

john gets really into sitting by his lil incubator and reading to him. nice way to bond that isn't super overwhelming. makes gale heart happy to watch. his boyssss.

this is getting super long lmao so ill cut if off here. but i wove micah- and rachel and i have developed a looottt of lore about him as a teenager/young adult (specifically re: him and wyatt- helen's baby with nash/ev's step son). so feel free to come prompt me to yap more!

[mintpiastry]

OKAY since i’ve an exam in less than 10 hours and as of now i do not possess the mental capacity to fully develop it as a story (or even make it make sense) here you have a MATTDRAI time loop/soulmates au idea (that probably doesn’t make much sense and could be written much better) inspired by THE handshake™️ and Florida!!! by Taylor Swift:

for our noble purpose (mattdrai) in this world people realise they are soulmates after getting to know each other long enough for a connection to happen, strangers can’t be bonded together as strong feelings need to be involved in the bonding process, sometimes the bond manifest in few months other times it takes years. so long story short even if they have been fooling around for ages it’s only during the 2022 BoA playoff series that Leon and Matthew get bonded and realise they are soulmates, they both silently agree to not acknowledge it until after their respective playoffs are over, or so Leon thought…of course this doesn’t happen :) and Matt disappears and ghosts Leon that has to discover from a social media post that his supposed soulmate got himself traded as far as possible while also remaining in the nhl (at least they are in the same continent) from him, at this point all leon’s thoughts about making it work get thrown out of the window bc fuck it even someone like him can understand the message tkachuk wanted to deliver with the trade.

fast forward to the present where it’s game 7 of the Stanley cup finals (strong emotions are very much involved!!!) and this time it’s matthew’s team the one winning, during the handshake line they barely interact, but the bond is still there, uncomfortable and never spoken of, Leon disappears in the locker room with his teammates to lick his wounds in peace and Matthew proceeds to celebrate with his team all night and almost all the day after he goes to bed with the intention of sleeping few hours to start partying all over again, life goes is supposed to go on; or so they thought but soul bonds cannot be left unattended for so long without consequences (oh you don’t wanna talk about it? fine, the universe will make you anyway :):) ) and that’s why Leon wakes up once again in so much pain seated on the bus going to the arena and he has to play in game 7 of the final again and again and again; the rough part is that he never wins (later he will realise that it’s not the point of the loop so he cannot change it no matter how much he tries to) [note: Leon is sooooo going to therapy after the loop breaks] but that doesn’t stop him from trying over and over again; for a while he thinks the right answer to break the loop is to win the cup after a while he realises that while that is untrue somehow it’s still connected to the game; he is also convinced that no one else is stuck with him because there are no hints about it thats until the tenth/twentieth/ who knows loop (?) when Matthew happens to change the established pattern and during the handshake, instead of ignoring him, he stops to talk and there he is referencing something happened during a previous loop and Leon is so surprised and angry about it because his soulmate is looping too but instead of reliving one of his worst day ever he is reliving what is probably the best one, and it’s not fair, also he is pissed because of course matthew spent all the loops until this one winning and basking in the glory of it all instead of informing leon. So leon looses it in front of everyone and it’s only because someone holds him tight from the back that tkachuk doesn’t get murdered right there; whatever explanation tkachuk tries to give, he doesn’t want to listen to it, he is done.

The next loop he decides to not play.

[bonefall]

HI ok u dont gotta post this i just wanted to give some info bc u mentioned wanting to do disability right and i just wanted to give info u might find useful. Leopardstar has diabetes and while idk if she gets murked or not before that goes into full force, but shed absolutely not be herself during that whole shebang.

The first signs would be increaded dirt place visits to go pee, and needing to drink a lot. Wouldn't be too hard for cats to miss this since they live in riverclan, Clan Of Water, but it'd be an UNUSUAL amount. Personally, i noticed it myself and genuinely got concerned bc i was drinking triple what i normally did and would wake up in the middle of the night specifically to chug water.

Next thing would be her getting skinnier and out of breath more easily. Her body would effectively be eating her muscles away and shed 100% be unable to fight well or even at all at this point- accounting for exercise and a relatively low carb diet of fish, maybe these symptons would show up after a month and a half? At this point a medicine cat could notice the odd lack of energy but i doubt it'd be obvious what was happening, the medicine cat might pat her on the back, give her some herbs (honey or berries would be BADDD), and send her off.

Soon after shed start throwing up sugar, which just straight up burns ur throat like hell. Its hell. She'd also not feel too hungry now- in reality shes starving, and her body is too busy not dying to notice nor care. At this point if Mistyfoot did Her Thing, Leopardstar would barely be able to stand let alone fight her. In her final days shed be completely weakened and barely able to focus, and she'd start getting pains in her stomach and pelvis. I was unfortunate enough to cut it extremely close, and when i was diagnosed i was told i had less than half a week to live if i hadnt went to the hospital. Depending on if the medicine cat catches on, they could absolutely be making everything 50 times worse by feeding her berries or honey to soothe her burning throat, feeding a cycle of eating honey and throwing up the sugars in the honey. I did this with gingerale and it SUCKED.

Now!! If you want to have leopardstar put up a FIGHT and have her have diabetes and live with it, theres a few ideas. Firstly, only type 1 i believe can be treated without insulin. Secondly, Bloodclan could 100% steal human insulin and give it to Riverclan. The two are compatible i /think/. Three, idk the exact process but apparently you can make ur own insulin using the pancreas from animals, which she could use to survive. Four, without medicine, shed have to do a lot of exercise and manage her diet. With a raw fish diet it's much easier, but she'll probably not be too happy about not being able to eat tunnelbuns without feeling like crap and throwing it up after.

Going down the Bloodclan sourced medicine route, Misty could also kill her using the medicine. Insulin is a delicate balance- too little and you start throwing up and ur body eats u again. Too much and you have no energy to move and you can die within the next hour. Doesnt even take that much, a dose of 18 when youre supposed to take 16 can be deadly. Double that amount and i doubt even a medicine cat could save her even if she knew- low bloodsugars make someone irrational or emotional + extremely whoozy, and its HARD to force feed someone honey when theyre adamant that theyre perfectly fine and just a little sleepy, thats all. In her sleep, and Leopardstar would maybe wake up briefly, feel extremely tired and odd and unable to move, and fall asleep and die.

Anyways this has been ur probably too long rant about diabetes and leopardstar hopefully its helpful in some way o7

[ID: A student is taking notes]

You know, in my rewrite, Leopardstar is actually going to be killing Crookedstar. Not in a way where she would be caught-- I had been thinking it would be a generic poisoning. Maybe it would be dramatic and fascinating if Leopardstar had actually pulled this insulin trick... only to then recognize that Mistyfoot is trying to poison her in the same way.

I'm committed to Leopardstar dying in a battle with Mistyfoot. I had this awesome idea for the Sweet Nothings AU where a Villain Thornclaw lead Hollyleaf somewhere that the winner wouldn't be caught for their victory, so they could have a proper fight to the death.

What if I used that plotbunny here instead? Leopardstar realizing that Mistyfoot had brought her the wrong dose of insulin (I will work out how they get insulin when I make a herb guide for it), and deciding if either of them is going to die, they will die honorably. Not by trickery, but by the strength of their claws.

So she calls for Mistyfoot, tells the Clan they will be confronting rogues at the border, and then they march towards their final confrontation.

[hyprfixate]

hold on tight↝ [L.F] :: teaser

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ summary: you're unhappy. you're almost certain that there isn't anything in this world that can make you happier, and you're right. what you don't account for, however, is something otherworldly flipping your life on its head. or, should you say someone

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ pairing: lee felix x reader

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ word count: 950

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ tags: angst, non idol au, fantasy au kind of, felix is an angel literally and figuratively, mentions of suicidal thoughts without going into detail, reader is depressed, she/her pronouns used for the reader, slowburn, strangers to lovers, putting angst again bc thats how much angst there is.

˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ author’s note: hello! this is a small teaser for a much longer upcoming fic that i'm still in the process of writing! i haven't written fanfic in a very long time so i apologize if i'm rusty lol. i hope you guys enjoy! :)

quickly skimmed, ignore typos lol

-

Felix doesn’t remember when he became the front desk worker for purgatory. 

He assumes it was a while ago, since his fellow co-workers have all come and gone, some of them eons older than him. He’s always been “their little Lixie”, and while most of them have gone to a place he can’t reach, the nickname still lives on. Their little Lixie remains seated behind a mahogany desk, clicking away at his computer and waiting for the next person to approach him.

Felix is the first face a person sees when they die. Guy, the one in charge of it all, says it’s because of his contagious grin and never ending happiness. Felix could light up a room with his smile alone if he wanted to. That kind of energy helps people calm down– makes them feel at ease. Another perk about him is that he never feels lonely, despite how desperately lonely the job is. Felix knows that even though nobody stays, there is always someone new to talk to.

Like now.

“Hi!” he chirps to the person walking up to his desk. They’re dressed in pajamas with a severe case of bedhead, so from the looks of it they were probably sleeping when it happened. They look scared, and he pouts.

“Are you okay?”

“Where am I?”

He leans back in his seat, pointing to the gold plaque above his head. “Purgatory.”

“I’m dead?”

It’s the same script every time someone comes in, but his soft smile never wavers. “Yeah,” he says softly. “I’m so sorry. It’s not really so bad here, you know?”

He pulls himself back up to his computer. “Could I get your name?”

Stuttering, the person gives him their name. He presses a few keys on his keyboard before the computer dings softly, setting off the printer next to him.

“Oof.” He grimaces, eyes racing across the lines on the screen. “Heart attack did you in, yeah? That’s always the worst way to go. Have you had heart problems before?”

“Yeah,” they stutter out. “But I never-- no one told me they could kill me.”

Felix peers up through his long lashes, giving them another small smile. He knows it’s best to move on, rather than walk them through the speech about how everything and anything can kill you, so it’s a bit silly to expect that something as serious as heart issues would just be swept under the rug. Most people don’t appreciate being lectured when they die.  Instead, he pulls the paper from the printer and scans it quickly.

“Seems like you have some business to attend to first,” he hums. “You left behind two kids and a partner, I see. They’re going to need your presence in the next few days. Afterwards you’ll get to go upstairs.”

“Like, Heaven?”

“If that’s what you want to call it, that’s what it is,” he smiles. The person in front of him softens at that. He hands them the paper and points at a set of doors on his left. “Go through those double doors and walk down the hall to room 202. Knock and ask for Christopher, tell him Felix sent you.”

He waves, cheeks puffing up in a genuine grin as they wave back and disappear beyond the double doors. Once they’re out of sight, he pulls out his notepad from the desk drawer and scribbles furiously.

No glow, almost faded.

While Felix undoubtedly had a lot of questions about his appearance and business in purgatory, his biggest question was something no one could answer.

Why was he the only one who glowed?

At first, before they got computers in the office, Felix had no idea what he looked like. He knew had soft, sandy brown hair; Guy would always ruffle it and tell him he was handsome, but he didn’t know why he was handsome. Once technology advanced and they got a desktop, that question was answered thanks to the webcam. In addition to noticing his features, Felix also noticed that his body was outlined with a bright, sparkly gold light.

No one else in purgatory had that, not even Guy. Christopher, who worked in the office of external affairs, told Felix it was probably just his happiness manifested into something physical. Christopher himself was covered in tattoos, as he was known through the office for always knowing what to say to comfort people. Felix would agree with that theory, but he’s met countless people just as happy as himself with no glow.

Since then, he’s been keeping a journal of every face who’s walked through his office. Some people were more faded than others-- those were the people who wouldn’t spend too long here. Some people were dark and vivid, like the image of a 4K TV screen (not that Felix knew what 4K was, he’d heard about it from a couple visitors and adopted the phrase himself). Those people were usually there for a long time. But no matter how long a person was set to stay, they never had a glow like he did.

He tosses the notepad back into the desk drawer, leaning back into his seat and sighing. He didn’t have much time to himself, though, as the elevator outside the office door dinged.

He leans forward, clearing his throat and running his “script” in his head. He runs his hands through his hair before looking up with a bright smile.

“Hi! Welcome to…”

His voice trails off and his jaw goes slack as his eyes settle on the person in front of him. 

Yeah. Felix had seen lots of dead people, sure, but he’d never, ever seen one that glowed like he did.

Until now.

[doctorwhoisadhd]

also, re: my crazy insane dw viewing order, can i just say, i really like what i did with the end of s9:

under the lake/before the flood

the girl who died/the woman who lived

adam

reset/dead man walking/a day in the death

exit wounds

the day of the doctor

the zygon invasion/the zygon inversion

sleep no more

whatever happened to sarah jane?

turn left

fathers day

the temptation of sarah jane smith

face the raven

heaven sent

the stolen earth/journeys end

hell bent

the wedding of sarah jane smith

the husbands of river song

the waters of mars

immortal sins

the end of time part one/part two

the return of doctor mysterio

the pilot

basically what i did was i started by taking 12 era straight through, bc i think 12 of all doctors really would be served very very poorly by taking him out of order just bc of the insane amount of linear development he goes through, and then i interspliced appropriate episodes throughout. thought process for all this below the cut!!!!!

the stolen earth/journeys end needs to come before hell bent + the pilot - donna's tragedy is important for the memory wipe stuff

turn left should come before stolen earth/journeys end AND face the raven/heaven sent - sets up the former, is a good match for the latter, and doesnt break up the story

wedding of SJS should come after stolen earth/journeys end since thats how it aligns with 10's timeline (bonus points for putting it with THORS bc thats a fun combination)

whatever happened to SJ? needs to be before wedding of SJS (+ turn left) to establish the trickster

throw in temptation of SJS between turn left and wedding of SJS establish more about the trickster

hey wouldnt it be funny to put fathers day right before temptation of SJS because its the same exact plot

waters of mars + end of time go after wedding of SJS to keep 10's timeline going

throw in immortal sins bc tricksters brigade, and put it after waters of mars bc of the themes of fucked up suicide stuff. also goes well with clara's departure because of companion doctorification/immortality/codependency

day of the doctor before zygon invasion/inversion to establish the osgoods

adam + exit wounds after girl who died/woman who lived bc of themes of forgetting your past / someone from ur past who u wish were different (gray to jack / me to 12)

reset/dead man walking/day in the death between adam + exit wounds to establish dead owen. also wanted to place dead owen episodes in here bc of how crazy insane the jack/owen + 12/clara parallels are. this was the only place to put them that made sense

[quodekash]

RGJFDNLGEJKSGJEKSNDGKJBRDSKJGB OS2 MSP TIME OS2 MSP TIME OS2 MSP TIME OS2 MSP TIME HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP HELP I MIGHT DIE

i need to take a break before i start because holy hell idk if im gonna make it

HOLY HELLLL

SOUNDWINSOUNDWINSOUNDWINSOUNDWINSOUNDWINSOUNDWINSOUNDWINSOUNDWIN GUYS SOUNDWIN ARE ON MY SCREEN FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE FEBRUARY HOW THE HELL DO I DEAL WITH THIS SOMEONE HELP

"welcome to my school president in the multiverse of cuteness" I SWEAR, IS THAT TITLE A PARODY OF MULTIVERSE OF MADNESS? PLEASE TELL ME ITS MAKING FUN OF MULTIVERSE OF MADNESS

AAAAAAAAAAAA TINN HELLO TINN HELLO HELLO

THEYRE EVEN IN EACH OTHER'S ROOMSSSSSSS

i love how gun sleeps on a double bed but he sleeps right in the middle with the other pillow smushed haphazardly to the side

GJKREDGF THE EXACT PARALLELS I LOVE THIS

THIS IS LIKE EXACTLY GUN'S WARM UP SPEECH

PROBABLY WORD-FOR-WORD

i smell merch

why is it outside in this universe

GIUERBGUBREOGB

SOUND IS THERE

WIN ISNT PART OF THE BAND YET

SOUND IS THERE

AND TIW IS THERE

HELLO TIW

WE ARE FINALLY TAKING ADVANTAGE OF TIW'S INCREDIBLE RANGE OF SKILLS

AND YO WITH PHAT'S GLASSES?????

GNEJRKSDBG

sound with the game is just making me think of james from futs, which, no, i have not yet seen, but i do know some things

wait or is satang's character koh

i cant remember

and no, i have not yet moved on from this one frame, just let me appreciate it for a little bit longer

i want this chair

but also i dont

it would be fun to curl up in like a weirdly shaped cat

i wish i could see all these posters in full

HOLY CHINZHILLA SHRINE BUT LION

i see weve already got the soundwin red/yellow agenda going on (@ashedddaisy please see this)

genuine question tho, whose boxing gloves are those???

i see weve got tiwpor's pink and blue already very present

seeing phat without glasses is very strange

okay, i think im good, im done appreciating this one frame. time to move on and continue with the actual episode

GUYS I LOVE TIW SO MUCH

IGERIGDBJERB I DIDNT PROCESS THAT

WE USED TO GET WIN/YO FRIENDSHIP

BUT NOW ITS SOUND/PHAT FRIENDSHIP

GEIHRKBGRUEJKBGKRE

i freaking love sound so much

HELL YES, THE DRAMATIC MUSIC AND THE STARTING INTO THE DISTANCE AND THE FIST IN THE AIR AND THE DRAMATIC STATEMENT, I LOVE WHEN THIS HAPPENS AND TINN DOING IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY

GIMMMM

pls this was so funny for some reason

ratchanee. thats so strange to me. is she not just gim.

"keep it down! her son is staring at you!" yeah, because he's in love with him

DAMN, FOURTH REALLY PERFECTED THE 'staring at your crush but you really just look like a serial killer' LOOK

GIUESBG THESE LINES BUT CHANGED FOR TINN IM DYING

"his skin is fairer. hes even taller than me now. he still has that pair of bunny teeth. but he's a lot cuter!" FOURTH'S VOICE IN THIS HRBGHRBG

PORGUN FRIENDSHIP PORGUN FRIENDSHIP PORGUN FRIENDSHIP (ft sounds face in the foreground bc i had to)

PLS THIS IS SO FUNNY

I GASPED

THEY SPED THROUGH THAT QUICKLY

ALSO A FEW THINGS TO MENTION ALREADY:

1. why he look so depressed. you need a hug winny pooh?

2. hes wearing the exact shade of purple that sound often wears. so thats pretty interesting.

PLS I LOVE THEM ALL SO MUCH

mark, i-

HELL YEAH HES FAMOUS AS WINNIE THE POOH, A BASSIST

HELL YES

also i love yo at the bottom there, desperately clinging to the wall

HE'S CROSS-EYED, WHY IS HE CROSSEYED IN THIS SHOT

IT GOT WORSE

"huh? why me?" "the chemistry between you two is just right" HELP

this one image brings so much more dopamine to my soul than i can possibly express

GBERKHJBGREBLBERIEKGJRBGJSG

THE SLAM AGAINST A WALL but not in a sexy way BUT REVERSED HELL YES I LOVE THEM

MY RIVALS TO LOVERS BOIIIIISSSS

I LOVE THEM

IM GONNA GO FERAL

because we need a 12 episode plot to progress in 2 episodes, sound

THE ROAR

TINN'S LITTLE ROAR

EGHRKDBJ

ah shoot i ran out of images again (this has to stop happening)

ill make a second post and then post both (or possibly all, i may need more than two for this lol) at the same time

[teasinterests]

Ok yk what Tatsumi rambles lets go.. this is gonna be a long one so buckle up & enjoy the ride..

‼️ CW: Mentions of abuse, religious trauma, physical violence, mentions of physical disability & eating disorders ‼️

Anyways Tatsumi??? Slaps this guys head.. this bad boy can fit so much trauma ❤️ can we just start off with the random fact that his parents kept him in a bedroom with blood stains all over it?? And that he considers sleeping outside better than his own room??? 😭 I also just wanna remind everyone that Eichi compares Tatsumi’s family as a “force to not be reckoned with” these mfs are batshit insane…

BUT ANYWAY!! I love Tatsumi’s development after what happened during Reimei. His parents fucking sent him there to spread the word of Jesus & Religion but Tatsumi doesnt want that, he was raised to fear people, he was raised to stay confined and brainwashed by religious shit and be worshipped by their following. Tatsumi literally wants nothing more than to be loved. It’s his whole motivation, he would do anything for love, he would do anything for the people that he loves himself. He still says shit like this in the current story, where as he says he’ll sacrifice himself, or makes comparisons to dying in order to protect everyone in Alkaloid. Lets not fucking forget that one time he threw himself at Hiiros phone bc he thought it was a bomb??? LMAOO?? 😭 Tatsumi’s whole thing at Reimei was because he wanted to do something good, he wanted a legacy to be left behind, and for people to “love” him for who he is and the things he’s done for others. He worked himself constantly, and even mentions how he hardly ate. Tatsumi still struggles with natural eating habits because of this. There were people at Reimei who would get mad at Tatsumi if something didnt go their way, and Tatsumi wanted to help everyone. His life was constantly being threatened, and yet he still trusted everyone so blindly. It genuinely makes me so fucking sad bc he’s such a sweetheart and was torn to shreds because of it, which Himeru comments on in the main story. Fucking kudos to him btw for acknowledging that.

Why is this gap so fucking big Tumblr layout..??

Anyways.. Tatsumi ended up being hospitalized due to his mentality, and physical condition. He wasn’t sleeping, nor eating, honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if he wasn’t showering..? Though I feel like thats a heavy stretch. Nonetheless Tatsumi pushed past his breaking point and ended up collapsing. He would have done so on his own most likely, but Ibara helped speed up the process to get Tatsumi out of the school system. Unfortunately for Ibara, Tatsumi ended up returning, and because of Kaname claiming all of Tatsumi’s work and regaining his power, he was able to bring Tatsumi back into the spotlight instantly. Though for their unit Kaname claims that “Tatsumi needs someone to take care of him” which I absolutely adore btw. Tatsumi was concerned for by others, but Kaname was the only one that truly pushed it. Not to mention that Kaname was Tatsumi’s very first real friend.

Now check this.. Kaname being hospitalized in a coma for getting attacked by the schools students. Tatsumi tried to save Kaname, and was pushed off stage, and beaten on the ground by a second group. Tatsumi stated whilst he was hospitalized this second round that he cried, and practically begged God asking why this would happen? He did nothing wrong, Kaname did nothing wrong? And yet they were broken beyond repair for wanting a better life, a better school system.

Tatsumi believes “HiMERU or Oremeru” to be Kaname.. Tatsumi adores Himeru, and his feelings for Himeru/Kaname has not left despite the way Himeru treats him. Tatsumi says he deserves to be treated the way he does for what he did to cause Kaname/Himeru so much pain. Tatsumi, who used to be hella agile and swift, can hardly stand for so long, and struggles running around because of his disability. Although his chronic leg pain IS a mental condition. It’s a form of PTSD actually if I recall correctly… though as a disabled person myself, I actually prefer to headcanon that during his depressive state, Tatsumi simply just gave up. His spirit & faith were broken, and life just didn’t turn out the way he wanted it to be. He became a martyr. The very thing he feared the most in life. Without attending his proper therapy, his leg simply just didn’t heal correctly as it should have, and he recognizes this as punishment for what happened during his time at Reimei. He tells Himeru that hes happy for him, and that seeing Himeru on stage is absolutely the best feeling to him. Tatsumi fucking loves Himeru, and that wont change. Because he THINKS Himeru is Kaname. But, Kaname is still in the hospital, unbeknownst to Tatsumi.

As for Tatsumis development.. he exercises, he takes care of himself, he’s able to work solo, and has a unit that looks after him, and notices the self destructive signs that he frequently shows. I fucking love Alkaloid as a whole, but holy hell, does Tatsumi absolutely deserve them as a unit. He even acknowledges harmful things that he USED to do but doesn’t anymore, such as pushing himself past his limit, or being overly trusting of other people. Though he still has this tendency.. Tatsumi is genuinely just a very loving person, he’s silly, and touchy, and kinda lacks common sense at times which is so goofy? I absolutely love the times where you can tell that he’s behaving childishly because he never did that when he was younger. Tatsumi is truly living a happier life, and is even repeating the year of schooling that he missed after such a long hiatus.. I absolutely adore him, pls love Tatsumi Kazehaya. 😭 …pic at the end cus this mf is gay & HIMERUS REACTION KILLS ME 😭 😭

[undeadhorse]

next time i go to sleep i hope i wake up as a tiny sapient ungulate.

i remember seeing some of the TSU art six months ago and being like, vaguely creeped out by the faces. but since then ive fallen down a personal rabbithole of studying horse anatomy and working hard on my art, and also tangling my gender identity up with my deep seated loving fixation on mlpfim. now all i can see is like, beautiful little horses that are almost perfectly what i have been trying to construct in my head as like, what a my little pony would look like irl. bc if you know anything about the show you know that just having them be irl ponies wouldnt work. these horses can play instruments, you cant do that with normal hooves.

ugh. im not sure what to do. the like, feeling inside of wanting to be a my little pony is like, almost too much sometimes. its like the same feeling as being closeted and trans again. but i cant actually like, transmogrify into a mlp or a tsu. i need to like, chill. before this turns into some kind of body dysmorphia or something. idk maybe thats not gonna happen. i just worry. i dont want to start looking in the mirror at the body i have and hating it like i did when i was a teenager. bc i cant turn into a horse. as much as i want to, as much as i can like, style myself subtly to be horsier. i cant be a horse. and i dont want to set myself up for pain by leaning too hard on this to cope. and giving myself body dysmorphia or something similar. its okay that im human.

its so complicated to be told my whole life im not welcome in any group. and then as an adult lose a lot of my connection to the trans and queer communities thru trauma and like, accidental feedback from my peers telling me again that im not welcome bc im disabled and have trauma. or bc im not comfortable with words like f****y. i have been told over and over again that im not welcome by so much of society that im like. i dont feel like im human. i feel like im a monster. not in a horrible i hate myself way. just like. if humans keep telling me im not welcome then maybe ill embrace it and be a monster, and thats something thats been bubbling in me for years and years.

but now this mlp thing. ive rediscovered mlp. it has filled a hole in me. it has buoyed me and become my muse and allowed me to start the process of reclaiming my life and building things for myself. its this font of great things for me. but im worried im leaning too much on it to cope with the new stresses in my life.

im hurting and overwhelmed and that is turning into an intense yearning to be a my little pony in equestria. so bad some days it actually hurts. which makes me think maybe the coping mechanism is breaking down and i need to re-evaluate things.

[lemmymade]

hello. my shooting stars fic plan was kind of vague but longer than what i would probably handle. i wanted to write it, i still do, but i dont know when i will, or if ill ever go back to it. like i WANT to, but idk if itll actually happen.

for at least the first part of the series (bc there were at least two parts in my head),, it was just. set primarily in the superstar daycare. just meant to build up relationships. maybe the reason why i struggled trying to write is that i built it up too fast? i struggled with the timing too, because i didnt want to write each chapter as like chapter one, day one type of thing but i couldnt figure out how to Change that because it felt like the first days needed to be fully written out???

the general idea with it is that the daycare attendent is Very Much avoiding parts & services. and the reader was hired unknowingly to gain the trust of the dca and to bring them Down there. bc the dca can look scary and most adults find them very unnerving and a lot of one time attendance kids got scared of moon specifically during nap time. moon was viewed to be a problem, they both were, but moon was the Big Problem. reader was not hired as an actual assistant but thats the job they were given instead.

i inserted my oc nem into this but he was mostly made for the role i think? i developed him more specifically for the story and got attached to him so hes just my lil guy now. nem is technically the readers supervisor and has Not and does not plan to tell reader the intended plan bc nem thinks the plan is fucking stupid. for Some Reason, the daycare attendent avoids parts and services. for some reason, the dca is afraid of that place and refuses to go there and actively hates every person who works in there.

nem not telling the reader the intial plan could be seen as manipulative but nem doesnt care. nem cares a lot about robots and cares specifically about their sentience and how to cater to them. nem does not know why the dca hates parts and services and he wants to figure out why because none of his snooping has produced any answers and the dca wont trust nem because nem is a parts and services worker. nem has set reader up as the dca's assistant for reader to specifically get close to the dca and figure out whats wrong (kind of like the original plan but a bit different?)

the reader again is completely unaware of this. reader only knows that the dca just really hates nem for some reason. reader is just there to work and just generally earn a living and probably hang out with sun and moon during the process. the only strained moments between reader & sun/moon is only when nem is around for the scheduled 'supervisor' moments.

most of the daycare is poorly planned out, especially the time table and schedule. the reader, throughout the story, was planned to actually improve the daycare somewhat. like for example: nap time being in near pitch-black darkness and zero options for anything other than sleeping. moon /has/ to have all the children sleeping no matter what. most regular daycare kids will just pretend to sleep if they cant and thats generally fine but moon, for some reason, hyperfocuses on anyone who is up and awake. mingzhu, daily daycare kid bc her guardian works at the plex, likes running around during naptime because its the only time she gets to play with moon.

so reader will eventually figure out a way to have specific moon moments during the day outside of naptime so any kids who like moon get to actually hang out with him. and reader will eventually get the dca comfortable enough for nem to help with their coding and programming (not in parts and services, probably just in the daycare) so moon isnt forced to hyperfocus on the awake children which might allow some to skip naptime because some older kids dont generally need them!

reader was meant to act like a bridge in a way, a compromise. they help out and they fix things and generally try to improve things. but it doesnt change the fact that theyre still not supposed to be the dca assistant and it doesnt change the fact that theyre not registered as the dca assistant. it doesnt change the fact that the initial plan by the higher ups was for reader to gain trust and force the dca to parts and services.

it was supposed to be a source of conflict, a point of contention, the dca finding out their initial role and feeling confused and betrayed and everything. something of a miscommunication. because reader wasnt aware of this plan at all and wasn't going to follow it anyways. and perhaps the anger and betrayal falls to nem instead because thats their supervisor. nem wasnt following the plan but neither the reader or the dca was aware of that.

this specific plot point kept changing in my head because i couldnt fully decide on how it goes. the dca is stubborn so they could persist in avoidance due to their feelings of anger and betrayal if they really wanted to. would they eventually believe that the reader wasnt aware of this plan to force them to go to place they hate? probably. i hadnt figured out how long they wouldve been stubborn tho. i kind of hate miscommunication plots at times so i think thats why i struggled with it but i enjoyed how everything else went so much that i just stuck with the miscommunication plot

i think the anger probably wouldve changed from the reader to nem at some point because its always easier for the dca to just. blame parts and services again. reader and dca trying to rekindle their close friendship/relationship, idk, and struggling with trusting nem in general because despite intentions, nem lied and manipulated certain events. he did it to try and help the dca but it still happened and it doesnt change the feelings of betrayal.

but nem is still the only one the dca even remotely, slightly, trusts who has the knowledge to help them. so they would eventually, very reluctantly, let nem back into the acquaintance circle.

this story was meant to be like. pre-security breach game. and for the dca to allow nem to help (with the reader being assigned to watch over and make sure nem isnt doing anything bad even tho theyre not knowledgeable about robot stuff. idk. the dca makes them watch over it to make them feel better) means that they dont get really... affected at all, by what happens that night.

because if the daycare attendent wont go to parts and services to be updated and such on the main servers then. nem will simply put the dca on his custom servers. because nem really doesnt give a fuck about the company and had basically tricked a contract with them completely in his own favour

i made nem cool and badass in his own way because i wouldnt be able to do stuff like that so i couldn't really imagine the reader chara doing it. so i made a character to be knowledgeable and cool and stuff even though nem is also a very sleep deprived robot nerd.

i had a lot of vibes for the story and that was basically it. i have trouble with pacing and timing and so i struggle with even trying to figure out the plot for the next chapters so i end up just avoiding it. there were silly filler ideas for some chapters focused on the regular daycare kids and maybe some of the parents that were chill. i had ideas for nem and his lil robot raccoon son that i felt a bit weird about wanting to add mostly bc how people see ocs

the first story was meant to end just before the events of security breach happens. mostly bc reader wouldnt really be involved in it and then the second part would be dealing with the aftermath.

i dont know why i typed this out because i dont know if anyone really cares too much about that fic and where it was intially planned to go. its been a very long time since i posted about it, a very long time since i last updated it. idk. but here was what was intially planned ig? because i dont know when ill get back to it, if i ever do.

[softness-and-shattering]

@hunterarden hello! Do please ramble!

[Re: from comments. For future ref of where am i responding from]

How are people saying that the show is sexist? Thats not something that stood out to me, especially in comparison with the books. Kinda ableist that to get power Yennefer has to become beautiful/its the same process. And the racism of making Francesca's actor look white/super pale especially next to Fringilla. Theres always room for improvements, but sexism specifically?

Lemme think ways the books are sexist that the show isnt, offhand:

1. Fuckability scale from minors to elders

2. Everyone sleeps w Geralt and is jealous about it. Specifically Triss and sort of also Fringilla. Triss drugs Geralt to rape him iirc and it seems like Fringilla is using just her natural charms but its not totally clear. And at Thanedd all the women are throwing thenselves all over him. And its framed as like ooh sexy protagonist getting all the girls. Fucking. Page one of book one a teenage trainee priestess of Mellitelle just....drags her boob on him while hes sleeping and then leaves and Nenneke I think is there like hmm yes normal behaviour.

3. Multiple women are casually described as nymphomaniacs. And theres that random woman getting herself off to Ciri fighting in the arena in that town, was it Jealousy? No after that. I don't remember the name.

I was talking to some friends who pointed out that the books are like, 80s-90s feminist in that women have power and also important plot roles. And not just magic and scheming, Ciri is a witcher and theres the General woman...Pretty Kitty? And Milva and the Brokilon women and Mistle. Very Strong Independent Women TM, not as much on the complex and flawed side of things but thats more recent developments in whats considered good characterization, more or less?

And in the show there's all the fighting and scheming and magic stuff, with the women being conventionally beautiful for sure but thats also hollywood standard that people are conventionally attractive thats not especially sexist?

And re characterization, like with Shaerawedd the show is doing interesting things with Ciri and Geralt (and Calanthe) and neutrality/fantasy racism and what being a leader means especially for someone whos descended from both warring factions/races. And we've got the Falka model of burn and terrorize which Ciri leans into with the Rats and in the show I have a sense of what Ciri is thinking and what she values and what she wants. Same with Geralt and the neutrality and whats-her-name from Blaviken with the brooch that he leaves behind bc if Ciri is with Nilfgaard then he cant be neutral anymore. By Lady of the Lake, I dont know what anyone wants. Geralt decides he's no longer a Witcher and doesnt want to help people but that feels very sudden rather than gradual character change. Ciri is reactive, dont know what she actually wants or who she wants to be. (Also why all the politics at the end, who cares what happens to Cintra if it doesnt effect her?). Yenn...wants to be a mother but shes kind of dumped in the ?afterlife with Geralt and not Ciri. She doesnt even get to choose she just passes out and Ciri decides for her. (Also Geralt spends 3 books trudging around after Ciri and in the end he discovers the castle by stumbling upon a secret listening device that just happens to be listening to the exact conversation he needs to hear at the exact time he's there? And then we get semi-foreshadowing that he's dying of cold in the pass but oops he's not anymore hes at the castle at exactly the right time? Its all just chance? Im less mad about the Ciri portal because that was set up from the beginning of LotL but...oh and then Emhyr is like k I'm making sure Geralt and Yenna die and Ciri's coming with me, sike you can all go free just because. This is not how you pay off storylines! And thats not even getting into the mess of the themes! Hey everyone worked very hard but their work wasnt what mattered it was chance actually and people just changing their minds for no reason. Oh and um dont know what to do with characters when their plot role is over? Mass murder for everyone! All the Rats, Cahir, Angouleme, Milva, Regis, yeah theyre dead now in random unsatisfying ways that also doesnt do anything for whatever exists of their storylines still. What is Ciris existence in the new world? Fuck if I know, shes in Camelot now!)

Oops I got off track there 😂. Theyre just not very fleshed out as characters even all these books in. Even like, Fringilla is just The Nilfgaard Sorceress That Seduced Geralt. Francesca is The Elf Sorceress. Half the people of their secret sorceress council idk who the fuck they even are. Theres Phillipa spy lady, Yenn, Triss is a good friend, Fringilla and Francesca...one with a short name and one with a long French-sounding name who isnt the one with the illusory jaw bc she died. The Other Elf. The Other Nilfgaardian. I dont even know how many Im missing.

Tbh in the show also some of the sorceresses blend together a bit, especially when theyre in a whole group like at the experiment castle, but the ones I do know have stories and personalities and ambitions and yknow. Characterization.

Genuinely where is the sexism and how on earth are the books more feminist than the show?? What are the arguments?

Finished Lady of The Lake (Witcher)

SPOILERS -- Im frustrated and confused with the ending, this isnt particularly complimentary.

And um, what the hell? Is this like a narnia afterlife situation? How did the horse end up in camelot, WHY camelot, why is Ciris future suddenly with this random knight? Why camelot? Am i supposed to be happy? I guess its independence but its not, its just a different world with different rules and politics and complications. I get that we're not doing happily ever after but like.

Kind of feels like the whole party died so the author didn't have to write endings for them. What did the unicorn even achieve, Ciri doesnt need him to travel.

Also a thing thats bothered me the whole time, why is everyone stuck on ciris theoretical future children, why is SHE not destined one? Why is everyone trying to get her pregnant at 16?? Ive never seen a story where the male protagonist has to have kids to secure a prophecy and everyones throwing wives at him. And i dont like the implication after all that that ciris gonna end up with galahad. She should be a lesbian. She cannot be the only descendant of the elder blood, and what were the elves even isolating those genes for?? What was the point of lara? There was no saving the world from politicking or future climate catastrophe.

Its already not a happy ending bc everyone is dead. It just feels like sapkowski didnt really know how to finish things? Lets just throw in some big fights ok now what let everyone noodle around uh guess Ill kill them off now ok. Ciri doesnt even get to grow up. Cahiras scary and significant and then he's just The Fighty Guy of the party, no more complexity there.

And what the fuck is with emhyr and his incest plan? Why does everyone want to fuck ciri including her father?? "The child o sore will be important" YOUR DAUGHTER IS YOUR CHILD BUCKO and then he just lets her go and didnt leave anyone with a knife for Yen and Geralt because why??

Honestly the sexual violence, the fact that every woman is always "provocative" and we always gotta mention their cleavage and fuckability, its so incredibly gross. Especially with everyone wanting to fuck or impregnate ciri. Who is confirmed to be a minor in-world.

Obviously I found the story compelling enough to keep reading multiple books but all these cool concepts just were not executed through. Just an entire book of everyone trying to fuck a child instead of literally anything else. The villain deaths werent satisfying. The protagonist deaths were cheap. I dont remember who the fuck caleb whoever was or half the people referred to in the last quarter of the book even though ive been reading these books fairly close together.

I kind of hope the show does things better but who knows with cavill leaving.

[orcelito]

I wanted to post a sneak peek of one of my fav parts of the new chapter but then I realized it would probably be better experienced in context so u guys don't get sneak peek actually

[violentviolette]

Honestly have no idea if this is a narc crash or bpd splitting episode, but when someone implies I'm not good enough or accidentally rejects me. Or doesn't fit my expectations or standards or whatever, I often just get so enraged and disappointed in myself. Then I get upset with them. I feel like, I should be getting what I want and what I need. I need them to see me for who I am, and adore me and respect me and see my worth. But when I just... struggle with my own self-esteem, I just... feel so awful. I just dissociate, I lose my appetite, I get angry easily, and my brain won't shut up about how this person rejected ME. How they don't like ME. That I'm *flawed*. That I'm worthless. I might get paranoid that they're talking about me behind my back, using info against me, or they may abandon me. I begin to start thinking I'm superior to them in every way, shape, or form. I split on them at one point, obvi. But, I just... I end up going back to unhealthy behaviours (being dysfunctional, not taking care of myself, being too hard on myself, trying to be too perfect all the time, etc.) as a way to cope with these feelings of worthlessness. I just... get extra "I'm envious and jealous of you" feelings, and constantly compare myself with others on small levels like how well they can brush their teeth or how much sleep deprivation can they truly handle? Or how good their imagination is?? Idk. I just... I get so incredibly lonely, frustrated, and push everyone away during these times. I just want nobody around me, but also need someone to validate me and my existence. Bc it's so hard to validate myself, all alone. Idk. What the hell is this experience? And what do I call it?

at it's core, that's a spiral. it sounds very much like a narc crash, but i also dont know much about how bpd splits feel and so i cant comment on how close it is to those, but thats very much how those spirals used to happen for me it's essentially a distress meltdown. so something upsetting happens, but because we never learned how to properly manage and handle distress, there's no framework to catch ourselves and validate ourselves, so we spiral down an abusive self hating rabbit hole. in an effort to claw our way out we attempt the maladaptive coping strategy of devaluing everything around us and everyone that hurt us because we dont know how to build ourselves up, only tear others down. but that doesnt actually work or give us real substantial comfort and so we just continue to wallow in lonely self hating misery and default to another maladaptive coping mechanism which is to purposefully reject the thing we need/want in order to further punish ourselves so if we want validation and connection, we self isolate and reject ppl and push them away. we unconsciously continue to punish and abuse ourselves because we learned during development that when we are rejected its because we fucked up, and if we fucked up we need and deserve to be punished, and so we unconsciously punish ourselves in place of our previous abusers but then our child-brain kicks in and tries to defend us from that punishment by again, devaluing and attacking everyone around us. because we also learned during our abuse that if someone hurts u, then u hurt them back to teach them a lesson. but none of these are real or healthy solutions so they dont make anything better, just worse dbt has a lot of good coping strategies and mechanisms to stop those disordered patterns and redirect behavior towards more healthy and sustainable coping mechanisms and distress tolerance. i'd definitly start there using some of those keywords to search for more reading on it. it's a slow process and it takes a lot of steps and it doesnt feel like its working at first, but if u force urself to practice those techniques over and over eventually they very much do click and u realize ur not hitting those spirals anymore and are able to stop them early on so u dont fall the whole way down