#bc everything reminds me of this person
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ᡣ𐭩ྀིྀི₊ ⊹
#im really trying ok :'))))#im journaling im watching youtube and doing mindfulness#im going on walks i even met up with my kinda friend yesterday#some moments im like ok maybe i'll be ok soon like#it isnt at all like i've only ever been in love for real once in my life#and i cant imagine not being that close to this person who i find absolutely amazing#but sm moments i just... feel pain 💀#bc everything reminds me of this person#like everything... the soft summer breeze makes me think of all the imaginary walks i wanted to go w this person#books i read i wanna talk to him abt... movies shows etc....#and i think of how i just blew it so badly even tho i meanwhile said 'dont ruin this dont ruin this dont ruin this'#and thats what happened..... i just cant imagine ever wanting anyone else#like just thinking abt sex or being close to anyone else makes me grossed out#and like being w someone who i feel a rush just going to the store with???#i lost smth truly rare and smth i want more than anything just bc ?? i was scared to accept love#fuck me.... im so miserable everything hurts so bad#but im trying!!!!!!!!!! i just cant feel anything and evetything feels so bleak and meaningless#he also gave me like... appreciation for everything. it's like my feelings for him made me see everything in a different light#and i felt hopeful and etc etc it doesnt matter#now all of that is gone and i just feel miserable as fuck
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I don't know who needs to hear this, but as a creator -
I am fine with "the audience" -
downloading my fics
printing my fics
copy/pasting or screenshotting my fics
sharing your saved copy of my fics with anyone else who might want them in the unlikely but never impossible case that my fics are no longer available on ao3
making a book of my fic(s) and running your fingers across the pages while lovingly whispering my precioussss
doing these things with anything I create for fandom, such as meta, headcanons, au nonsense like 'texts from the brodinsons,' etc
I am not fine with "the audience"
doing any of the above with the purpose/intent of plagiarizing my work or passing it off as their own in any capacity
feeding my work into ai for any reason whatsoever
Save the fandom things. Preserve the fandom things. Respect the fandom things.
Enjoy the fandom things.
#fanfic#ao3#archive of our own#fandom things#tumblr things#i may have said this at some point#i'm sure i have#but whatever - just in case#i don't say this with the presumption that i'm so amazing and people are clamoring to save my fics#but just if anyone is so inclined that's all#ftr i don't intend on ever removing my fics from ao3 or deleting fandom things from this blog#i've always shared my fandom things with the intent of keeping them shared bc that's the whole point of posting#but the fandom atmosphere and ao3 constantly being under attack who knows what can happen#not that this applies to anyone but should all else fail you can also reach out to me and i will personally give you a copy#at least of fics bc i save everything#not so much the tumblr things but this is a good reminder to myself that i should do that for the things i care about#that i've made or done and only posted here#anyway sorry i have now used up my quota of the putting words into sentences doing for today#i have plans to stare into the void now
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I really like kafhoshi ... it good.... Ther s so much potential and so much material to work with AND YET THERES LIKE NOTHING!!!!! *Rolls up my sleeves* gotta do everything myself in this damn house...
#kafhoshi#kafka x hoshina#kafka/hoshina#jk jk i will not be doing everything. bc i cannot write. and i dont mean im not great at it i like have a legit mental block#ill draw tho!!!!!!!!! i will draw!!!!!!!!#i just think about... how theyre conpeting for the same spot (tho hoshina already has that spot hes fighting to keep it)#and how hoshina was the one to vouch for kafka to be passed as a cadet (partially due to suspicion of him but still)#and also indirectly says that part of why he did that/keeps him around is because he's a stubborn guy who never gives up and that reminds -#him of himself (bc hes been told to give up his whole life too and he still hasnt. theyre both stubborn bastards)#and that hes been ''taken in by his charm'' (along with everyone else cus everyone cant help but love him)#and also they canonically train together sometimes. alone. together. come on man thats such an easy target to make it gay#just have someone pin the other person to a surface while sparring and have there be Tension and Energy there. easy.#just come onnnnnnn if you dont have ideas ASK ME#ASK ME FOR IDEAS. ESPECIALLY FOR WRITING CUS I CANT DO THAT MYSELF I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS IN MY HEAD THO
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nonhuman burr, washington, and eliza!!!
#okay yes proportions r funky ignore that please its design explaining time#burr has a squirrel tail bc he reminds me of the squirrels on the road when ur driving towards them and they panic. not really#i thought itd be funny. he has a deer nose and when he was younger had had those fawn spots on his cheeks. v cute#he also is like stony around his joints. uhm. bc he's grounded and unchanging and it just fits yknow#and then he has the horns that form a halo. he got that from his grandfather.#okay now washington isnt just eagle wings i promise he just hides everything else bc of some leadership physiological thing#he probably has some tree shit going on. maybe a dog idk yet#if yall have ideas let me know#okay so eliza !!!!!!! i wanted to give her wings from the very beginning so here you go#(does alexander have a thing for wings..... idk you'll have to wait and see my maria design /hj)#uhm horns and flowers/plants bc i felt like it???#she has lightning down her back btw. and a feather tail. cant see it bc dress#and she also has those orbs around her. for fun. its like those spirit lights you see in ghost/alien footage#i added the lightning bc of her personality from what i can tell.#amrev#amrev au#elizabeth hamilton#elizabeth schuyler#eliza schuyler#guys which one do i use she has a lot of tags#aaron burr#aaron burr fanart#george washington#george washington fanart#.... is that not a popular tag#anyway#amrev fanart#digital art#art#if youve read this far comment “i love eliza's flowerrr” or something similar.
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random but i resolved to post abt it every time i find a webtoon that I enjoy... and lately I've been having fun reading this one...
*rubs nose* heh... I do dabble in het from time to time... no but seriously it's a p straightforward lighthearted enemies to lovers romcom, not groundbreaking or anything yet im over here kicking my feet and giggling the main couple is SO cute to me... i luv them... I actually couldnt wait to find out what happens next so ive been slowly reading ahead in the kor whenever i have time and they're sooo cute😭😭 I also like the art style and costume design a lot!! it gives me like. a nostalgic 90s shoujo anime vibe tbh... w the puffy hair and babyfaces...
#webtoon recommendation#the crown princess scandal#후궁 스캔들#im like trying to downplay it bc yea its not like#anything super new or groundbreaking or deep like it is what it is!! a fun and cute lighthearted romance!! but its done well i think...#like to give it credit... it must be doing a decent job bc#if writing a romance is so easy why are so many of them annoying and frustrating to read!!#genuinely love their dynamic sm#they complement each other so well lmfaooo#like the past few days ive been like ok time to check on my hets :) like theyre my hamsters or smth#i feel like the opposite of a straight fujoshi rn... gay person giggling over everything these hets do#(/J)#style reminds me a little of ranma/inuyasha (i havent seen either tho)#genuinely wish it could be an anime tbh!!!#anyway im not very far bc i have to read p slowly in kr#im only up to ep 36... but far enough that im invested in these idiots. theyre so dumb but in a way thats not too frustrating#i actually do have to give them credit bc like ive read sooo many het webtoons that piss me off😭😭 so like!! they must be doing smth right!!#unrelated but does anyone have good bl or gl recommends#i actually havent read that many
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saw someone posting photos of their fancy cad sideshow figure and i wont lie .lowkey sad 😿 how thin he is but not sad that thats how his design is, sad as in babygirl are u ok!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#babygirl im going to get u a meal replacement smoothie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#kiddo say#tw body image#i forget how rly thin he is .like u know that anorexia type thin when theres no fat left on a persons face ? reminds me of that#i think hes meant ot Just be like that. in canon so hes maybe just fine .also on talks taliesin joked abt him being a 'vegan on a roadtrip'#so he kind of has fuckall to eat while travelling bc everything is meat or milk or whatever#but he was rly not vry well thin when they met him so. whaddevr. this is not serious theorising i just htink sometimes abt it#this is just rambling i have no point here#also his dark eyebags .babygirl go to bed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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this is LITERALLY their dynamic in a nutshell
#they're literally both repressed™#the different is that lance is stigmatized as someone who 'obviously has issues bc why else would he be acting out'#vs ilana who also has trauma but bc she comes across as someone who's seemingly well put together#ppl just assume that she's fine actually and she's nothing AT ALL like her brother bc well she turned out fine right (WRONG)#that's not even getting into the fact she has what is basically the entire weight of the world on her shoulders#her father literally tells her that if he DIES she's galaluna's last hope#the whole reason why they had to flee galaluna and the earth being threatened by giant monsters now is bc of HER#literally everything goes back to her and given how lance is the mission takes top priority and he reminds them why they're here#which don't get me wrong i get that but at the same time i don't imagine being CONSTANTLY#reminded of that by a guy who's practically the same age as you and is doubling as your personal bodyguard/brother isn't exactly great#basically both of them are trans teens and are (SEVERELY) traumatized#what did you think the Ts in titan stand /j#sym bionic titan#robi rambles
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the pure embarrassment of sending a ”oops I fucked up & will send this assignment a couple days too late sorry abt that”-email :’) noooooo
#I guess it’s better than to just send it late with no warning#I hope I gave myself enough time bc istg if I’m gonna have to send ANOTHER one of these I’m just going to change my name & move I think#this is a personal reminder to myself that sometime procrastination has consequences even tho im good at getting away with it usually#istg my thesis advisor hates me at this point I’ve returned basically everything a bit late#idk what has happened to my time management skills like why do they suck so bad rn#very much in a ’’just gotta get through this week’’ mindet and it’s only monday#march 2024#2024
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[ID: an uncoloured drawing for a panel next to the publicized version. They're both from the comic Batman: Legends of the Dark Knight #194. In them, Batman is shown from the waist up. He's looking at Jim Gordon, who's off panel, with a penitent expression after being accused of something he secretly did do. He has his palm pressed against his chest and is blocking the bat emblem as his other hand is clasped ontop of it. In the initial drawing, there's a halo floating above his head as well as several tiny hearts mixed in with the lights that surround him. In the publicized panel, the hearts and halo has been removed and two speech bubbles have been added. He's in front of a terra rose background and is starting to say, “Jim, I don't even know what you're...” But Jim cuts him off, saying, “Stop it. I'm tired of this.”
The third photo is a description of the drawing from the artist's (Seth Fisher) website. It reads: This is another page that the DC editors changed: no halos or hearts around Batman, no matter how (disingenuously) contrite he is. In the final edition, the halo and heart in the center bottom frame have been excised.]
#happy sad boy sunday !!!#this counts because he's getting broken up with and because im sad bc they removed the halo and hearts#included the link to the website on the word too :3 in case any of u wanted to see his unpublished work too#deleting a big ol rant that no one cares about but basically:#hate seeing how much creativity and personality gets edited and removed despite it being the artist's job & how you have rememberable#and remarkable art. i get the editors got an important job but at the same time at what point do you allow art and personality to exist#just to make comics more fun to read/look at instead of basing everything on a capitalistic stoic reputation that#youre responsible for creating?? turning batman into a symbol of unwavering compassion and empathy and the reminder theres always stars#even on the darkest night if you remember to look up. him going from being a symbol of hope and humanity to being a character#that cant fucking have a heart or visual compassion out of fear they cant market him more or ruin that fragile reputation.#they make editing decisions based on it as a product instead of it as a character/story or an artform and god does it show.#happy sad boy sunday bc shutting down artistic freedom and expressionism for capitalistic reasonings is making me want to shoot myself 🥰🥰#c: batman: legends of the dark knight | i: 194#crypt's panels#batman#posts from the crypt
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I look around, but I can't find you (raise it up) If only I could see your face (raise it up) Instead of rushing towards the skyline (raise it up) I wish that I could just be brave
(artfight attack for @simikae again <3 ft. archer!)
#art#artfight attack#lobotomy corporation#link leads to the song rabbit heart (raise it up) and the lyrics in the image are from pathological facade :)#rabbit heart goes so fucking hard btw. love that song!!!#i sing it to myself so much whenever i listen its just GODLY#the voice in it is so so good. and THE LYRICS I PUT IN FOR THIS ONE RAHHHHHHHHHH im normal <3#you can trust me with your rabbit-hearted characters.#also gotta mention i love how i did the ego gift :3 the little adjacent lines feel fitting of fragment of the universe#and the bg!! i love the little colored stripes on the edge#and doing archers hair... so fun to do bc its so circular. get Bouncy#thinking about archers ever changing personality and 'this is a gift; it comes with a price'#and the constant reminder of the rabbit heart behind all her confidence...#becoming a lion hearted girl as a rabbit team member#something about the offering and the hatchery. 'who is the lamb and who is the knife'; 'and in the spring i shed my skin' and 'the waters#change from blue to red / as towards the sky i offer it'... hm hm :3#everything is a gift and every single one comes with a price#lobcorp; r corp and the hatchery; even down to archers own nature#you made a deal and now it seems you have to offer up! /lyr#also hi mika hope you enjoy these tags lol#(row of empty seats) thank you all for coming /ref
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again and again i find myself lamenting that audio roleplay isn't taken more seriously by some people. like yeah, they often have a romantic element, and by nature they usually directly involve/address the listener- and i totally get that those things aren't to everyone's taste. no art or entertainment is universally appealing, and that's okay! but.. it still makes me a lil sad that the "cringe" reputation of asmr/audio rp precedes it. there's a whole lot of talent and creativity being poured into these audios by so many people that i feel goes unrecognized and/or disrespected simply due to the medium that the stories are being told through.
#this post brought to you by: me bingeing Sam & Darlin's entire storyline over the past few days and having a Lot of feelings abt it#asmr#audio roleplay#rp audio stuff#redacted audio#anyways i don't have a conclusion to this post. and i'm not Mad or Upset or anything i'm just thinkin' out loud#and i mean it's not like it doesn't get plenty of praise within its respective audience bc it does. at least for the more popular creators#but i feel it'll still always have the shadow of its cringe reputation looming over it#which makes it hard for some ppl to openly appreciate or share with others that aren't already fans of the medium#like do u know how many comments i've seen along the lines of 'this is great but i'd die if anyone knew i liked this kinda stuff' ?? :(#idk maybe i feel strongly about it bc i'm a self-insert fanfic writer. and i feel like the two have a lot in common. including a bad rep.#like. not every audio will be well-written or produced and neither will every fanfic. but that doesn't mean it's a less legitimate artform#and i'm lucky to have never (yet) received negative comments on my work. but that doesn't mean that it doesn't make me sigh when people-#-say shit like 'this reads like fanfiction' as a way of calling something bad. or other similar sentiments that make the same implication#and i wouldn't be surprised if audio creators feel the same way when they encounter certain comments or statements#like. those YT videos where ppl will 'try bf asmr for the first time' or whatever and it's just 20 mins of cringing and over-reacting? eugh#tbf i haven't watched many bc why do that to myself. so Maybe there's some that are respectful but still. imagine getting roasted like that#and yes yes i know that by posting stuff online you're inadvertently sighing up to be criticized by Anyone but still. man. i dunno#i'm going on a tangent but my point is. i'm grateful for the creators that still make their art in spite of the public's perception of it#bc some of the most impactful emotional experiences i've ever gained from fiction took place in audio rp and i'm so serious abt that.#anyways. this post almost feels like i'm 'making up a person to be mad at' but i promise it's not that serious i'm just yapping. mostly.#certainly not trying to start any kind of debate or anything either i just have a lot of fixation-induced energy and nowhere to put it#this is Eric's fault (/lh) for cooking Sam up in a lab catered exactly to my taste and making Darlin' waaaaay too painfully relatable#but it's also My fault for bingeing the Inversion /and/ the Quinn arc /and/ the Summit all within a couple days. but i can't help myself#feels like i've run an emotional marathon. triathlon. The Emotional Olympics if u will. i'm feeling Everything#who knew that beating the shit out of ur fictional abuser could feel so goddamn cathartic! it's a nice replacement when u can't do it irl#anyways i'm off on a tangent again. thanks for coming to my TED Talk i'm gonna crawl back in my hole now#actually i'm gonna go relisten to a few audios. as Research for my Sam & Darlin' playlist as well as a post i'll be making about it soon#u Know i've got it bad when i not only make a playlist but start Posting on here about the songs that remind me of them. i'm cooked guys.
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life is SO different having someone in it who cares about me and talks to me !!!
#🤍#almost 2yrs!!! it's very hard for my brain to be able to like... believe someone can want to talk to me#but if he has talked to me for so long it is probably bc he wants to!!! 💀 (my brain dumb dumb)#anyway avpd make u kinda distance yourself from everything in your life#so im like wow im so alone haha. and then i have to actively remind myself#to be thankful for the person who actually is talking to me so im not alone#so this is me taking a moment to tell myself to appreciate that !!! 😠
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I wish I was one of those people that starts posting less frequently bc they're doing better and living life
but I just have nothing new to say because I have given up
#every day in isolation is basically the same#talking to people i dont live with just reminds me how alone we are#the only thing that changes are new symptoms i can't get checked out bc no one's taking new patients even with a referral#I'm more ghost than person#I've deleted all other social media so i can't torture myself watching people i used to respect willfully spread an incurable disease#i can't even be an alcoholic to cope cause if i drink too often it triggers cyclical vomiting episodes#i even kinda resent the fact I'm not suicidal. it would make sense. but no. just despondent and hopeless#everything's fucked and getting exponentially worse and i hate living in a permanent pandemic#bex talks to themself
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How does one get assigned as sam coded / dean coded ? Do I need a doctors note ? A psych evaluation perhaps ?
#i keep going back and forth on it#bc i used to identify with dean for the longest time bc i was so repressed and emotionally closed off (+older sister)#and at that point id spent my youth very purposefully protecting my younger sibling from our dad#and i guess in my brain i paralleled that with dean staying behind with john while sam took off for stanford#and dean protecting sam from knowing too much abt the supernatural#BUT having grown up ive now become the one resentful and angry at our father while my sister protects him#and our fights remind me a lot of scenes from the show where im obviously identifying a lot stronger with sam#plus the whole thing abt being the families designated academic or whatever#while also feeling cursed from the minute i was born and crushing at the guilt of everything wrong with me#and trying to be a good person and saving others to make for the fact that i feel an intrinsic evilness about myself#so like... yeah sam is very very relatable too in that sense#bc he also has that hope in him- the belief in god. in angels. in goodness. and i have that too !#im just also a miserable cynic at the same time :)#so ????#i havent been in the fandom for long enough to know the full requirements of being a sam or dean girl#(and by that i mean i havent been in the fandom for long AFTER i rejoined from my 10 year hiatus)#i literally would love to read someones page long explanation of what sam coded vs dean coded entails#someone with a spn hyperfixation or special interest needs to provide me with the goods fr 😭#spn
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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Resting body temperature headcanons based on pure speculation
#nu carnival#no i didn't put them at their proper heights they are all just existing randomly#yakumo is an icicle because i want him to be i need him to be#but does he technically go in the middle?? bc someone says “endothermic temperature regulation”#and yakumo will respond “who is that”#how can rei and Dante be similar resting temps but one is almost dead and the other has the energy to fight at the slightest provocation#i don't know#none of this is science#maybe Edmond got his baseline down after his desert training lol#something something muscles higher metabolism than fat something differing temperatures something#edmonds fat thighs are the only thing keeping him from heat stroke#kuya needs everything to be a crisp 17.6 degrees Celsius for optimal comfort#i don't even know why quincy is the king Master heat radiator 6000#i have no evidence#just a feeling#this entire scale was sparked by the lingering idea that yakumo would enjoy using quincy as a personal heater#they started this#as soon as i finished this i started changing my mind on everyone#gOOD THING temperature isn't a forever one time value----- huh---!!!!!#garu reminds me of those tiny dogs u hold and they're just somehow so warm and their lil hearts beat so fast and you're just wondering#how yall keeping cool under all that fur??? i need to get u some watermelons to lie on#the clan's all here!
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