mosquitoes-are-stupid

[mosquitoes-are-stupid]

Nonchalant

She wants that someone to be casual

Says she needs someone nonchalant

I smile, taking in every word she speaks

I want to understand and see her

Her feelings are valid but I don’t relate

I hear what she is saying to me

I come to the conclusion that it may never be me who can love her the way she needs

You see, I never told her but

When she returned the hat she borrowed

I kept it in my car, so I could take it with me

I wanted her in my passenger seat

The hat was a fill in, it still smelled like her

I love it when she borrows my things

Because that means I miss her a little less

When she isn’t around

I don’t tell her this either but… when she leaves things in my car or my house

Drinks, a paper straw she’s fiddled with,

Something that reminds me she was here

I leave it there longer than I should

It’s garbage, should’ve been thrown out some time go but I keep it there like a decoration

When I see it, I am reminded of her presence in that moment

It makes me smile and the idea of her just simply living, sends butterflies fluttering through my nervous system

She wants someone nonchalant

She is afraid of someone loving her so intensely

So in order not to spook her, I clean up her mess she made last time, before the next time she comes over

I throw that cup away, that paper straw

I wash the hat she used and use fabric softener to cover her scent

I scramble as I go to open the door, making sure every last morsel is hidden

I go to the door but realize I’ve left my love for her on the coffee table, where she left her mug last time, with her lipstick stain still tattooed on it

I run and I throw the cup out of the window, in the nick of time as she comes through the door and I greet her with a “hey”… so very casually and nonchalant

[mosquitoes-are-stupid]

I notice everything you do

I watch you reach for the door

At first, I don’t see your hand move

But I see your fingers

They gently twitch towards the knob

And your eyes fixate on it

I stare and I beg you

Please, please stay

Don’t open it

Only I never say a word

I could never

Because I know

If you wanted to leave,

You would

This is something more

Something more than choice

Something more than me

Begging you that I am enough

Begging you not to leave

So I watch you twist the knob

I watch you open it

And place your foot outside

And I hope that maybe

Just maybe

I am worth staying for

As an afterthought

Or a backup plan

[mosquitoes-are-stupid]

[mosquitoes-are-stupid]

The Cycle

Does she love me?

Does she love me not?

These questions plague my every thought

They push and push, reminding me I’ll never get an answer

I hate that I will never know

But what hurts more

Is that I wonder

Every day, I wonder

You release me at your will

And I’m afraid I will be a prisoner forever

[mosquitoes-are-stupid]

Selfish Craving

The truth is, I shouldn’t be needing you

I have all I could want, and I’m selfish

I’m selfish to ask for you too

Yet- I want, I want, I want

It’s a craving- for something I’ve never had before

Yet you are so close, that I can imagine the taste

And I long for it-

I crave it- the unknown

[mosquitoes-are-stupid]

My Addiction

You invade my conscious being and

You run your hands all over my subconscious state

So that all of my thoughts about you are perverted

Never a pure one, constantly riddled with angst

My desire for you like a cancer that grows in my heart

Yet, I need you like a drug

I need you coursing through my veins

I never want to be without you or withdrawn

Yet you are the reason my heart dies

And my eyes and lips cry to be with you again

Forever in this cycle of dis function and needing

[mosquitoes-are-stupid]

The Price Of Pretty

“You’re so pretty” She says, venom dripping from her lip’s

We get so caught up in wanting to hear it

We wait, until someone important says it

They don’t, only they do

It’s never in the way you desire it

“You’re so pretty”

They fail to mention how you can move mountains with a swift movement of your finger

They fail to mention how you can turn the coldest heart into a volcano of hot magma

They fail to mention the languages you speak, not only in dialect but in nature

They fail to mention all the thing’s that make you so

They relate these thing’s somehow with a visual

You before them, in makeup and a pretty dress

“She’s so pretty” She say’s

A predator, attacking your character but using your image as her visual

Making little sense but ill intended

Cannot find a fault in either, so she attacks them both, exposing her own

Insisting, you cannot have it all

[mosquitoes-are-stupid]

To know you

Is it wrong that I want to know you in the most intimate of ways?

You tell me you have dark thoughts,

Thought’s that you wonder if other people ever have

You say that you could never speak what’s on your mind, out loud

That you could never speak it to anyone but your notebooks

Today, I told you that I have them too

We made a pact that if we were to speak these things to each other,

That we must go out to the woods, and never return

What if that was my thought all along?

What if that was what I wanted?

I want to know you, and to run away with you, to never see another soul again

[mosquitoes-are-stupid]

With me

I had an epiphany today

I realized that I want you with me

I want you with me always

Everything I do, I want it to be with you

Was thinking about a concert and thought of where you’d like to sit

It was inevitable, like the weather or time

You were there with me

I didn’t discuss it with you or ask

But you were there, in my mind

I thought about you, with me

I bought the tickets and thought

I should probably ask her if she is available

I couldn’t help myself or didn’t think to

You just, were this…extension of me

I have to get two seats, one for her and me

Because to be quite honest with you-

Wherever I go, I want you to come with me

No matter what the event

[mosquitoes-are-stupid]

Illiterate

I cannot read you, yet I know you

I do not understand you, yet I am

You will not make a move, nor I

I cannot read you, but I want to

Who are you when no one is around?

If I asked you, would you be honest or is this kind of intimacy only for you?

Speak to me, fill me to the brim with your words

I want to know it all, I want to expose you to the marrow

I want to know every cell, every neuron, and atom

I want to feel all of you, in me and around me

Yet I do not know your answer if I were to ask

Do you love me as well?

[mosquitoes-are-stupid]

Two fearful dancer’s

We dance into the night

The way you glide across the floor

The way our bodies move in rhythm

What is known, yet unsaid

We have spoken but we haven’t heard

We keep dancing, until one of us breaks a leg

Until one of us fall’s

Then we are left with what we will do next, when we cannot dance

[mosquitoes-are-stupid]

Observer

I watch my coworker, with her children

She has been diagnosed with a terminally ill disease

She has a three year old and a six year old

I observe them on my lunch break

She sits and watches her children play

She's exhausted but she smiles, as they run

I wonder what goes through her head

Is it always in the back of her mind?

Does the idea of nonexistence, plague her existence?

Does she wonder if this is the last time she will see them play like this?

Does she think about the fact that they will grow up without her, just constantly?

Or does she hone in on their laughter, their small voices? Memorizing them, like a line from your favorite song.

Does she feel more free, now that she knows she has a definitive window of time?

Does she find comfort in the when?

I sit and I observe, contemplating these things for my self.

At what point do we decide to live and at what point do we have the answers?

[mosquitoes-are-stupid]

Under my skin

I need you, in a way I’ll never be able to understand

I crave you, in a way that I’ll never be able to satisfy

I love you, in a way that I’ll never be able to express

I miss you, in a way that I’ll never be able to satiate

I want you, in a way that I’ll never be able to receive

I see you, in a way that I’ll never be able to tell you

You are a part of me, perhaps as much as the blood in my very veins

Yet you are so far away, and distant as the days of my childhood

Nourishing me as a core memory but chilling me as nostalgia does, a jaded mind

[mosquitoes-are-stupid]

Not like you

I don’t feel the need to see my friends every day

I love them but I do not need to see them more than once a month, maybe less

I don’t feel the need to snuggle up closer and closer when sitting on the couch, just so my leg touches their leg

I love them but I do not need them at a close proximity as I do you

I don’t feel the need to know all of their most inner thoughts and fears

Do I like to understand them? Of course but I don’t feel the need to know them so intimately

I don’t look at my friends when they’re with their mother and smile ear to ear, at their shared mannerisms

Do I see the similarities? Yes, we all become our parents and it’s humorous but… I never find it to be endearing in the same way

I don’t listen to my friends every word, nor do I hang onto them like I do yours

Do I listen? Always but I don’t feel the need to retain all of their makeup and being, like a sponge… as if I’ll need it for later

Does all of this make me a bad friend? Aloof?

Only when I’m lying to you about being your friend

[mosquitoes-are-stupid]

Please don’t leave me ever

I have never felt like I needed anyone

I have always felt good on my own

Then you came into my life

Suddenly the room seemed empty without you in it

The air seemed deafeningly quiet without your laugh filling it

You showed me what it was like to have you and your presence

Now I think I am ruined

Because I never want to experience life without your presence in mine

I hope I never have to experience life, without you again

It’d be like water after whisky

My life forever changed by your strength

[mosquitoes-are-stupid]

Why can’t I say it?

It’s always on the tip of my tongue

Always threatening to make it’s way out

When you do quite literally anything

Everything you do makes me love you

Why can’t I say it?

I ask myself the question I know the answer to

Like a mad woman, I keep repeating it in my mind

Why?

Why?

Because I love you and I’m scared

Because I love you and I never want to lose you

I love you