#bc I know myself and I disappoint myself daily

[jupiter--dream]

(cw vent, sorry it's just been A Couple Of Days)

Not really having many irl friends comes at the price of feeling so terribly lonely, I feel like I have no one to talk to because I'm not close to enough people, or maybe I am and I just haven't talked to them in a while and I don't want this to be our first conversation qwq

I'm honestly just. Tired, tbh qwq

[skitskatdacat63]

Why can I only ever feel dread and never excitement, I'm just incapable of being excited until I'm physically doing whatever it is

[celestrials]

Not to sound depressing or suicidal or anything but it’s starting to feel harder to be alive :p

[tangents-within-tangents]

Thoughts on Echo as amputee/disability representation

First and foremost, I am not disabled or an amputee and I don’t claim to speak for those communities (and if I was I couldn't speak for everyone). What little I do know mostly comes from this youtube channel (@oakwyrm), this post, and other research I’ve done for my writing (and like one amputee I kinda knew in passing). By all means correct me and add to the conversation, I just have some thoughts I want to share because I haven’t really seen this discussed anywhere

Overview

So Echo is interesting. He is a triple amputee which is pretty rare in media. His disabilities come from extremely traumatic circumstances: injured in a near-death experience, imprisoned and dehumanized as an experiment with no autonomy over what happened to his body.

There are a few moments in the shows where Echo is treated… questionably. Like this bit where Rex uses him as an example of the Separatists' evils to convince the locals to fight back:

To be fair, yeah Echo’s treatment does prove that the Techno Union is not neutral like they claim. The modifications that everyone is gasping in horror at here obviously weren’t made with comfort and accessibility in mind, nor with Echo’s consent. But you still just want to be sure that “They took away his freedom, his humanity, they tried to turn him into a machine” is about using him as a living computer, not the fact that he is missing limbs. 

The Batch is also pretty insensitive toward him and his trauma imo, which is weird considering they've supposedly also faced discrimination for their mutations

Disabled people do have to deal with stuff like this in this day and age so I guess it can speak to those experiences. I think especially him being mistaken as a droid (and Hunter going along with it (bruh)) might resonate with some people. 

Aside from that stuff, Echo isn't really treated any differently as a character/person which is really good (as low of a bar as that is).

We get this moment in CW where Echo contemplates that yeah things are gonna be different now

While also (imo at least) showing that he is still the same person regardless, evidenced by the fact that he just echoed Rex :,) I also think it's significant that he joins the Bad Batch on his own terms and we're given a really emotional scene to specifically show that he's not just like 'lumped in with the other misfits' but that it is his choice to go where he feels his place is.

A lot of people, myself included, are disappointed that TBB didn't have more time to explore Echo's PTSD, but I think the one panic attack scene we did get is really good. Even thought it's minor it at least is an appropriate reaction from a guy who was medically tortured (which is more than I've come to expect from Star Wars shows lol)

And it's really sweet to see Omega showing Echo some empathy and consideration.

It would have been nice to see more of his adjustment period, and other side effects like chronic pain and maintenance, but there’s a lot of daily life stuff the show never had time for (i.e. we don’t know if he removed his prosthetics to sleep, but we also never saw him sleep anyway). His disabilities might take on a background role (much like the character himself sadly) but for the most part they aren’t invisible or erased, nor do they define his character and arc.

Physical Appearance

Okay this one is bit dicey, bc on the one hand, yes complaints that Echo’s paleness (most likely caused by burns from the explosion or chemical burns from the cryo-chamber) is whitewashing are totally valid. But I also think you can draw comparisons to real life conditions that affect pigmentation/complexion (like you know burns). So while I understand why a lot of fanart will depict him with his original skin tone and with hair, consider that there are real people who have to live with temporary or permanent changes to their appearance, and the idea of “fixing" him by making him look more like his old self can be problematic.

It's also interesting to note that Echo could act as a reversal of the 'disabled/disfigured = evil' trope. He's pale and bald and wears black and red, which is so often visually associated with villains, but we all know Echo is the bestest boy™

The Headpiece

Echo’s headpiece is interesting because within the show we don’t actually ever learn much about it (idk if there is more info in books or whatever bc i don’t have them so?). He didn’t have it in CW so we know it didn’t come from the Techno Union and therefore Echo probably had more choice with it. We don’t know its exact purpose but it’s most likely related to his scomping abilities. When he is hacking with his scomp in CW, before he has his headpiece, it’s clearly very mentally straining:

We don’t see him struggling like this in TBB once he does have it (though that could be bc he got more used to it over time). There doesn't seem to be much of an impact when he removes his headpiece in s3 ep14-15, except that he gets stuck in the ports every time he uses his scomp which is not something we’ve seen before: 

There might not be an exact real-world equivalent, but the headpiece is some kind of accessibility aid. It means that someone specifically designed a device to help him adapt to the changes the Techno Union made, as well as a helmet that integrates it. It’s removable and visually very present, much like a cochlear implant would be. (A lot of people actually headcanon it to act partially as a hearing aid, since it makes sense that Echo’s hearing would have been damaged in the explosion, but there isn't really any indication of this in canon.) The headpiece is never really acknowledged in the show, but I think that's a good thing. It's something he needs/wants and it just exists, completely normalized, and that's pretty cool 👍

Legs

Sigh... So from the very first episode of TBB I was really disappointed that the animation team or whoever completely visually erased Echo’s prosthetic legs (I think we all were, honestly, if fanart is anything to go by). It’s one thing when he’s in armor because he would probably want to protect his prosthetics, but we literally see him in his blacks and there is no indication whatsoever that he lost his legs even though it was not left up for debate at all in CW:

Like ??????!?

This is just really strange to me! Idk what went on behind the scenes with this decision but I don’t really see why it would be that much harder to animate or anything since it’s 3D and they've done it before. We do see some pretty sophisticated cybernetic technology in Star Wars canon that mimics real limbs:

But Luke’s fancy hand is technically 20ish years from now, so Anakin and Maul are more of a representation of what level we could expect here

So yeah, for no apparent reason, his leg amputation is effectively, visually and narratively nonexistent. Which is not great 👎

Arm!

The scomp on the other hand (uh lol!) is the complete opposite and I kinda love it!

At first I, like many others, thought it was a bit odd that they didn’t give Echo a prosthetic arm. Losing hands is basically a Star Wars tradition at this point, so robotic arms/hands are well established within the worldbuilding: 

We aren’t necessarily given a canon reason for why Echo doesn't get a cybernetic arm (again unless it's in some lore book I haven’t read, sorry). General fanon explanations I’ve seen are that he either couldn’t because the Techno Union wired the scomp too far into his nervous system, and/or the resources to give him one were deemed too expensive for a clone (what about his legs tho?), or that he chose not to, usually because he thought the scomping was useful. 

Regardless, I actually really love this choice (and it's the whole reason I made this post), because here's the thing: There’s a lot of problematic tropes out there that either erase/cure disabilities or compensate them with perks (like how pretty much any blind character is actually not blind by some sort of magic power). With amputees that is done with robotic arms. The character is still an amputee or course, and there is still value in that representation, if this story from Mark Hamill that makes me tear up is anything to go by:

but for the most part these characters function like anyone else, just with a limb that looks a little different. It’s no more than a video game skin, an able-bodied actor with a green screen glove. It “cures” the disability, or it actually makes the character even stronger than usual: 

It usually makes sense within the world of the story, but the reason it’s not so great in my opinion is that in the real world we just do not have technology anywhere close to that yet. Prosthetics can more or less replace any mobility from lost legs, but not for all the complexities of a hand (and even if they could the average person wouldn’t be able to afford it).

So

I think it's actually really super cool that Echo’s scomp bypasses the canonically-established amputee erasure and functions much like a stump would irl. He integrates it into his movements and everyday life and it’s (as far as I know) a lot closer to an everyday amputee’s experience. 

It doesn’t define his character, it doesn’t hold him back, he lives a full life, the other’s don’t treat him any differently, and he’s still a total karking badass 

The only additional thing is that he sometimes uses it as a weapon (which given his story, I think it’s cool to see him taking back autonomy in a way, and we only see that like twice)

And also the scomping, which could be seen as the 'added/compensating superpower' trope. But narratively it's no different than if he was plugging in with a hacking gadget of some kind (he didn't necessarily "need" to lose his arm for it) and it’s not like Echo is completely defined by this skill. Personally, I think it's well worth the positives of him actually having a visible and realistically impactful amputation. 

I see a lot of posts or comments out there that say stuff like “how come Echo doesn’t get a hand?” or fanworks that do give him one and I just think it’s a bit of a shame. If he did get a robotic hand, it just would have disappeared the same way his legs and Anakin’s arm did (aside from that one time he got yoinked by a magnet). When Echo did “get a hand” in the last two episodes there were comments like “yay he finally got a hand! but it doesn’t even work” but I was actually so relieved that it didn’t! Bc for one thing that wouldn’t make any sense, he grabbed it off a droid, it wasn’t designed to implement with his scomp, that would be really complicated. But more importantly because it again refused to erase/cure his disability! It functioned like a real-world cosmetic prosthetic (useless beyond appearance) which is exactly what he needed it for, so that he could blend in better with his disguise.

And he continually took it off throughout the episode and ditched it at the end. He only used it for the necessity of a stealth mission, he doesn’t feel the need to visually “fit in” in his daily life. 

And, last but very much not least, he made a dad joke and from my intel that is very accurate representation!

TLDR: Echo’s scomp is actually really cool from an amputee representation perspective, especially within Star Wars, and I think that deserves some appreciation 

[tujhse-raabta]

pjo fic recs?

OOH OOH IKHF FKFKVKRKVKDLCKRKFKRLVKDF I LOVE YOU FOR THIS

ok ok ok first one. The God Complex

this is an apollo x oc, and it is so fucking well written I die because of it daily????? like. lowkey one of the best things I've read. author hasn't updated for like a year, but honestly, you would not regret reading this at ALL. it's a blessing, I am Very Serious

next, i think this one's a classic - Falling For You

i am feral for this. basically percy falls into Tartarus alone, dark percy, percabeth, the ups and downs of dating a demigod who has gone through HELL, god I will never forget how this one fucked me up and I love it sm igkfkgke

next, Son Of Sea Foam

gdidkfkrkckd FERAL FERAL FERAL, LITERALLY

in a world where big three kids have a CURSE ON THEM, it's even more forbidden to be alive !!! silena is the loml as is percy and god I love this one sm. i had to stop reading after the first one bcs [redacted] but the second one is amazing too i just know it gifkfkekcklckcekcm

a perpollo - I have swallowed my pride (to say goodbye)

everytime this updates i cry of happiness and they're so regular it's just like a weekly blessing. it's time travel fem percy and there's so muchr tirkgkrkgkrkglrlvke I CSNT FUNCTION OK THIS IS A MUST READ EVEN IF YOU DONT TOUCH THE OTHERS

The Kistos Trilogy

not very percabeth friendly pls keep that in mind!!! but it's so. it's very Poseidon and Percy and parental love and dark percy and gods i just girkgkekckdlkckdlcldlckekckelvllrkv

having a god for a big brother

THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, ITS AN UTTER AU ANF ITS SO UNIQUE????? BASICALLY OK OKOK SO . percy is a god here and Estelle is his sister / [redacted] oh god the plot twists and the family fluff I love the perpollo yes but I read this for the Annabeth & Luke & Thalia & Estelle & Percy feels!!!!!!

i hear you're alive (how disappointing)

fuckrifkrkfkfkelck this is. the worst that Tartarus could be. basically percy doesn't stop when Annabeth asks him to during akhlys, and terrified + trauma flashbacks cause her to leave him there alone and escape through the doors of death. it's .,,, obviously not percabeth? i find Annabeth surprisingly in character for the WILDLY out of character premise but gods the way this is written is so. fkekgkrkgk. also hazel baby<333

last one I promise lmao - Citizens of Glass

BEST PERPOLLO DJGKKRKFKEKFKEKFKEKKVKDKVLRKGKRKGKROEOGKRKCLELCKRKVKRK GODS THE FEELS AND EVERYTHING???? IM SO FERAL FOR ANNABEYH AND PERCYS FRIENDSHIP HERE DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED ITS SO. V8DKGMVL. THEY ARE RIDE OR DIE BESTIES. LITERALLY.

i lied one more because VIRIRKF

The Once and Future God

time travel fix it which I think redeems luke????? i love it it's all so amazing and Percy is actually from 300 years in the future and he's such a smart amazing kid he's SAVING SO MANY PEOPLE AND THE LIGHTNING THIEF HASNT EVEN STARTED????? i love this sm it's the best soup ever

(two more bcs I can't help myself. this for some really really cool god Percy oneshot which left me feeling buzzed and this for a super super unhealthy dark perpollo)

[onlyjaeyun]

i'm gonna log off for a while because i'm really mentally drained from constantly hearing how unhappy and disappointed some of you guys were with both SB and CH'snendings and developments.

i know some of you guys come from a good place and mean no harm but imagine working on something for so long and then you yourself are already sad about how things ended but you wanna use it as a way to do better next time but people constantly tell you how you should do better next time and its always "i was so excited but it never came" and "i wished things would have gone this way" after you spent days crying out of frustration because your brain didn't corporate.

people who have never written (one shots or series doesnt matter) don't know the burden of leaving unfinished works up there. i keep telling you guys that i tried so hard to somehow give you guys an ending because if i hadn't you guys would have never received ANY ending so i tried to make the best of it.

i dont take the hate to heart anymore bc i couldnt care less and i know as a writer i should be open to criticism but i'm a little tired of my work being constantly nitpicked when i do this for fun.

i know updating daily was what burnt me out pls stop telling me that i obviously overestimated myself i fucking know.

whatever, it actually doesn't matter anymore because CH is over and i dont think i'll ever write smaus that long ever again bc the criticism is so not worth the mental effort and stress.

i do this for FUN. you know how artists doodle in their notebooks, this is what this blog is to me. i make mistakes, i over/underestimate things and myself bc this is life. it's just..not that deep for y'all to constantly camp in my inbox and make me feel bad about it when i already accepted it.

i'm gonna do some self reflection and think about it all so take care babies 🤍

[angel4dinner]

October 1st, 2024✨

omggggg, lemme start off by saying that October is my FAVV month of the year. I love everything Halloween and fall themed so I am fcking motivated this month to reach my goals. 👻

secondly, I’m going to start doing daily diary sessions to log my calorie intake, exercise, and my mood. I’m already in my fast for the day, so I’m logging this early. 💖

Breakfast:

my loaded oats recipe - 225 cal

Snack:

bloom energy cherry lime - 10 cal

Lunch:

chicken ‘sandwich’ - 350 cal

Snack:

barebell caramel cashew - 200 cal

Exercise:

infrared sauna workout - 573 cal burned

Totals:

intake 785 cal | burned 573 cal | overall 212 cal

Thoughts💖

omg lemme just say I am ✨so happy✨ w my outcome for the day but I am SO 🤬 over eating the barbell after lunch. I KNOW I didn’t need it yet I still ate it. ughhh I am so disappointed in myself rn but it’ll only motivate me to try harder tomorrow.

I would say my overall mood is: 6/10 not the best day (bc barebell) BUT so much room for improvement tomorrow.

[defectivefanboy]

You’re better when you’re quiet

trying to take a moment to yourself in teyvat you decided to take a walk around the land, but it didn’t help much when it slowly became taking out treasure hoarders, hilichurl camps. Just to make it better, you took out one wrong fatui camp and the silhouette of a man casted a shadow behind you. Seems you both could use a stress reliever…

Overall notes: While this story doesn't use specified pronouns for the reader, it is AMAB and is written for the gays and they's. My boys and... bOiis? idk but it isn't written with female in mind, same with all my other stories. if you don't like that, find another blog. don't know what to tell ya.

C/W: NSFW. sub scara. top!male!reader. cursing. hate fuck. choking. degradation. praise if you squint. hair pulling scratching impact play yah da yah da. bit of blood. disappointment in myself. the fact ill have to explain some things to my friends bc i let them read these :’)

Notes: Minors DNI. this is old asf this was written on oct 13th 2021. So this is when scara was still thought to just a rumor of a playable character. he literally only came up in game once and then the trailer dropped. I crack up reading this

you’re better when you’re quiet.

     It was supposed to be a peaceful walk. Supposed to help you, y’know, clear your mind. Yet, it only made you feel worst. After having to deal with a night full of drunkards you were tired of people for the day. So once you completed your daily commissions for the guild, you set yourself off for a simple walk.

And simple was the last thing it was.

     First it was the treasure hoarders roaming around the place. Next it was the uncleared camps that the normal knights should've taken care of, and it’s still too early for Diluc to take his nightly patrol. That would’ve been fine if it wasn’t for the Fatui.

    Of course when you were finally able to take a breathe, a mob of them were gathered within a small clearing surrounded by trees. At this point, you just sighed, because either way,

you were going to be the one dealing with them.

     After getting shoulder checked into a tree, to almost be hammered into the ground like a nail. You were over it. Over the pain. The soreness. Over the fighting. Oust over everything. Like the snap of a rubber band your sword slashed the last of them as you stared off blankly.

     Before you were able to let your guard down for a moment, a figure had to appeared behind you. Only to be luckier, the shadow had casted a large outline of a rather familiar hat. Turning around and clicking your tongue on your teeth, you gave a glare to the male.

     ���Wow. Not even a word in and you already look like you want to kill me. Color me impressed, Honorary Knight.” With a low laugh at the end, the male lifted his head as he held a smirk on his face.

     Letting out a low groan you brought your empty hand up to your face. “I don’t believe now is a good time to be a brat.”

his smirked dropped at the name. A what? Who do you think you are. A brat? Absolutely not. He was about to make way to you when you took the first step.

“Ah, ah, ah. Not a step, I'm in control today, doll” stepping close enough to hold his face in your hands. You grab his cheeks with your hand with a sinister smile on your face. One that could be mistaken for a innocent one if you didn’t know any better.

     If anyone were to look, if they even could, Scaramouche was wide eye at your actions. It quickly changed into a look of annoyance as he was about to say something, most likely yell. Though, before he could get a word out or even a letter, you shut him up as you placed your lips on his in a rough kiss.

     Frozen once again his eyes went wide. The thought to push you off did cross him mind as he brought a hand up letting off light sparks of electricity, but the kiss you had him in was a terrible poison. So intoxicating and addicting, yet so deadly and dangerous. Kissing back, his body relaxed moving his raised hand to your hair as it became tangled in it.

     As the kiss grew more heated you both pulled each other closer as you fight for dominance over the other. That was quickly shut down as you grabbed his ass and lifted him up, pushing him back into a tree. Keeping him caged between you and the perfectly place tree.

     “What would happen if someone saw you like this, doll? Think they would still see you has the high and mighty Harbringer? or just a horny puppet in my hands.” Hiking a knee between his legs, lightly grasping at his neck. He bit back a moan, closing his eyes and clenching his legs.

     Pushing your leg up further, you move a hand down to his waist before trailing his jaw and neck with kisses. Leaving dark marks as you trail further down he lets out small whines and hushed moans as he lightly grinds down on your leg. His hands move from around your neck down to the bottom of your shirt, trailing his hands up your chest, before you removed it completely.

     Placing your own hands under his top you lifted it passed his head, revealing his chest as you trailed your kisses down, leaving marks on his chest in your wake. Removing your leg from between his, he let out a low whine, stopping once you filled in the spot with yourself, letting him wrap his legs around your waist. “Awe.. was someone enjoying that?” you whispered moving close to his ear. 

     “And you seem to have a death wish you perverted freak.” He spoke through his clenched teeth with a hiss as you pulled him down against your bulge. “Hmmm..? What was that love? I couldn't hear you. Could you speak up for me?” placing your forehead on his you pushed yourself further into him as you begun grinding at a slow pace. 

    Light gasp came out of his mouth before he bit his tongue and his hold around your neck became tighter. Only letting out a low laugh you begun fiddle with his shorts, he brought his hands to your hair and pulled your neck to close him as he begun to leave marks of his own. Pulling down his shorts you brought your hand to the tent that had formed, precum leaving a stain in the fabric.

     “If i didn’t know any better i would say you’re quite happy about this. Am I right, Scara? before you could say anything more, he bit down on your neck harshly breaking the skin drawing a bit of blood out that he lapped up with his tongue. “you speak one more time i’ll-... fuck” he cut himself off with a moan as your hand pulled back the fabric and began to jerk him off.

     “Awe.. What happened, darling? Cat got your tongue?” you smirked as his hands pulled at the back of your hair as he tried holding himself up, but the motion of your hand was telling him a plan. He was about to open his mouth and speak, but you shoved two fingers into his mouth to keep him silent.

    “You’re much better when you’re quiet, doll” moving your head back to his neck, leaving more marks on the other side. He sucked on your fingers, twirling his tongue around them. His hands had moved to your waist pulling at your pants, even lifting his waist up to pull them down as he fiddled with the fabric to pull your cock out.

     Sitting back on your waist he placed your dick next to his as he began to jerk you both off in a sloppily manner, short gasp coming out of his mouth––

––and thats where I had left off and I'm too embarrassed and shy to write anymore :')

hope you enjoyed

[cuppa-ale]

I really wish that I was more interested in things. More invested and curious w/o someone needing to show it to me directly. Right now, I feel like it's really difficult because no matter what I do, I feel empty and lonely and it feels like a self-perpetuating cycle.

I want to be enthusiastic and into things, but I feel like I'm going to be abandoned or shrugged off and I can't shake that lonely feeling that makes me feel sick. And yet I also know that I can't be part of anything or get other people interested if I'm not interested, but I feel so sick because of the loneliness that I don't even want to try for fear of hurting myself more, and it loops all around. I don't want to think this way. Sometimes I don't, but it always comes back.

I feel like I desperately want to ask for validation and attention, yet I feel dumb because of that- yet I would never begrudge anyone else for wanting the same. I actually wish that people were more upfront like that, because it's normal to want those things, and no one can know if you don't speak up. Sometimes people just don't know or are socially awkward, speaking from experience. And I'm often left wondering and guessing about what I can or can't do, so somebody being upfront would be so, so massively helpful.

And yet I also know why I try to keep most people at arms' length too- I feel so afraid that I can't trust them to not hurt or abandon me or someone else for liking a character or a ship or whatever that they don't. And that may sound dumb as hell (because it is) but that also makes it extremely hard to find community or camaraderie in fan or hobby circles in general. There is always, always a hint of doubt in my mind and I hate it. I don't want to go through that again. God, I don't want to go through that again.

And I worry that I don't have much to offer another person bc of how sincerely exhausted and hermited I am.

I feel overworked and overwhelmed in my daily life. Even if I could get past this anxiety, I barely have time for anything outside of manual labor, housekeeping, caretaking, and yet I still feel like a disappointment and that I could be doing more if my brain wasn't so fucked up.

I am so tired. And I feel like I really don't have an escape or outlet. I feel so mediocre and selfish because I want so badly for someone to hold me and pay attention to me and help me and remind me that I'm not a lost cause piece of trash. But I'm also very aware of the fact that nobody can fix me or make my problems go away. I feel like I'm not happy no matter what and that scares me.

I feel like it also doesn't even matter what I do or don't do because no one is paying attention. That's probably really stupid too, but that's the mindset I get sometimes. I don't like thinking that way either.

I don't want to do things for the sake of attention or validation because that's not the reason why I do them, and I never ever want that to be the reason why. And yet I know that's what I crave, and it always rears its ugly head.

I believe that this is part of why I like Crayzar and Tyetaynus so much- Tyetaynus has been implied to be obsessed with Crayzar for years, hunting him down and "making him pay" for leaving him- but meanwhile, Crayzar just seems to not give a shit about his brother, and I think there's so much angst and drama and shit you can pull from that it's nuts. And so I really really want to make art that explores that bc I find Tyetaynus to be a super cathartic character and I want to express that "grief of what never came to be", "all i wanted was you", "I'm going to make you hurt like you made me hurt", and anger and all of those emotions and I hope it comes through, but I may as well talk about it here bc it actually makes me feel sane.

So I try to redirect those feelings into art and characters and stories in general, because idk what else to do with them. But it worries me bc again, it makes it so, so difficult to just be chill and relax and feel like I can indulge or be curious about something bc I have this horrible, paranoid, looming feeling at all times that something is very wrong and that the something wrong is me and that everyone thinks it. (even if that's not the case. I fully believe that I suffer from paranoid delusions bc I've been affected by them so, so bad, only to find that it's unfounded or I'm just being dumb. I just want someone to tell me unequivocally at all times that everything is okay and I'm okay, and sometimes that's all I can think about.)

All I want to do is make stuff at the end of the day. The one thing I want to do above all else is make stuff, even if I have to find the time from being overworked and exhausted and sick. Even if I have to make myself sick while doing so, that is the very 1 one thing I want to do in this world before I leave it.

I want to work on the doll commission I started work on recently. I want to continue working on my OCs and preparations for my first original comic. I want to tell their stories. I want to draw weird and mushy and complicated ship art. I want to draw my brain wife. I want to draw silly self-inserts and whatever other trivial thing I can think of. I want to make gifts for my friends.

I want to keep going and I want to keep doing that no matter what. That's all I want to do. I have no choice. I want to make stuff and I want to share it and I want to keep doing that until I die, or until I no longer can.

[mortiskiller]

Could you give me genuine advice on how to gain weight? I don’t eat enough in a day and I’m not exactly well off where I can buy myself fast food every single day. Any advice/tips? My goal is to gain an additional 30 lbs. I don’t have a feeder but I would love to be overweight again. I just want to be fat again!!!! It makes me really disappointed bc I’m stuck at this weight right now.

Gaining weight is hard if you don't stick to a schedule, especially if money is an issue.

1. You may need to have repetition in your diet. Pasta, beans, chicken thighs, and root veggies are cheap and easy to cook. With some solid recipes and time, you can easily eat 3k or 4k calories a day with those ingredients. Before I got a good paying job, I had a stable of about 4 recipes I rotated through each week to stay on budget but not lose weight.

2. Liquid calories are easy but not cheap. Cream is a typical option given the calories per dollar ratios. Usually, $1 is roughly 750 calories for a quart of cream. Try to mix with with simple ingredients like syrups, fruit, or baked goods for some better flavor.

3. Know your exercise level and how many calories you need to maintain your weight. My daily requirement of calories to not lose weight is around 3500 since I work out quite a bit. If your job has you on your feet or moving a lot, you need to be aware of calorie deficits. It's not fun to track calories, but given your situation, you may have to. Your body can't store fat if there are no excess calories to do that with.

4. Light to moderate exercise helps to keep your appetite normal and helps you feel hungrier faster. I am at a point with my workout routine that I can eat 2k for a meal and be hungry in less than an hour. Walking, weight lifting, and even yoga at home can be a great help.

5. Weight fluctuates, and that is ok. In a month, my weight goes as low as 285 and as high as 310, depending on some of the factors listed above. Your weight will not always be going up given you say money is a limiting factor.

6. Your body may not be geared toward gaining, and that's fine. Some body types struggle to gain or keep on weight. It's part genetics, part hormones, and part metabolism.

That is a lot and I am sure others have advice as well. Overall, there is no full proof way of gaining short of massive quantities of food all the time. It's easy to gain when you can spend 2k a month on take out!

Personally, don't be disappointed about not gaining. It's easier for some people for a number of reasons. Find what works for you and celebrate the little victories on your journey!

Hope that helps!

[roseghoul26]

I usually never message on here but had to message bc !!!!!!

So I’ve been reading Ivy for a WHILE now, I literally save reading each chapter for a good day (I only do this with fics I absolutely ADORE and do not want to finish too quickly bc I know I’ll never get them back again..sigh 😭) and a good day only. Finally got around to reading Chapter 12 and the way you wrote that was CRAZYYYYYY. The build up, the way you carried it all out? Obsessed!!! Also I generally steer away from fics that feature TB!Arthur because I’m too much of an emotional wreck to read those and I actively avoid that part of the game when I replay, it just brings up too much in me that I’d rather just block it all out and keep my healthy Arthur. So when you dropped that in the Chapter? Sobbed. SOBBBEDDDDDDDD. Bawled my eyes out so hard it had me biting down on my hand in fear that I was going to WAILLLLLLL if I didn’t ��you wrote that part SO WELL.😭😭 Fic was too good I had to keep reading and oh my, you did not disappoint. Still am yet to read the rest but myyyyyyyyy gosh, really do NOT want to get to the end of this fic. 🥹 I hope you know that your writing goes CRAZY, evokes so much emotion in people and has it living rent free on a daily in my brain

oh. wow.

you've actually left me speechless, anon.

it's been a bit since i've finished that fic, and i am still so incredibly proud of it, but i haven't thought about it much in recent weeks (new projects and such). but reading this just brought back all that excitement and love i had for writing that fic (can i feel nostalgic for something that ended only a couple of months ago?)

honestly, chapter 12 was the one i was most worried about writing because of just how many plot points there were, how many things i had to tie up and incorporate. so THANK YOU.

as for TB!Arthur, i, too, tend to steer away from those fics unless I'm in the mood for emotional devastation. but damn the angst is really fun to write

I have no idea if you've finished the fic by the time I posted this, but I really, sincerely hope you enjoyed it. i say i write for myself, which is mostly true, but it is so gratifying to get this like this, to see other people enjoy the story that i came up with while listening to taylor swift alone in my room (lmao). thank you so much for this, for your wonderful praise, much love <33

maybe once i've finsihed the fic i'm working on right now, i might dust off the old reader insert shoes. how I've missed arthur morgan...

[lovebvni]

shifting update

wow. i kinda just realized i haven’t spoke about my shifting journey and how it goes with me… lmao. oops! my bad, guys! anyways, here’s a long needed update to come while i’m working on a blog about my whole shifting journey until now. that blog should come out mid december im thinking.

anyways, i’ve been making attempts left and right yall 💀💀 just about every night since i had the flu. there’s like one day i didn’t shift lmao, and it was bc i was balling my eyes out and i struggled to even breathe right. 💀💀

anyways! last night i made an attempt using the new “wing it” method i’ve been trying out, and it actually went quite well. i did this wednesday night too and i got symptoms! something i haven’t got in a while. the symptoms were just feeling heavy/floaty btw 💀 noting too wild.

but, the thing is, i haven’t personally been feeling satisfied with my attempts. i feel like im getting to the point where im starting to be satisfied with them, though. like last night i actually felt pretty okay with what i did before i fell asleep (as im doing an asleep method)

i don’t know what my personal issue is with it, btw, it’s not that i feel disappointed in myself, but more that i wish i was doing better? or more? i’m a perfectionist btw 💀 and i know shifting has absolutely nothing to do with doing the “right” thing, but rather doing what feels right to you and what you can and will believe. but i believe i can do more. although believing i can do more doesn’t mean i SHOULD do more. like i could just be good with what im doing, but do it in a different order you know?

but i… i don’t even know how to explain it other than im not satisfied. i want to do more and it’s driving me CRAZY that im not. its like driving on a highway, i want to go faster but i can’t and i don’t need to. sure, there’s 30 minutes before i get to my destination and i think im going to be late, but in reality i’ll be on time or even early. i just need to relax and let the navigation guide me. worry about where i am right now and the next stop, not the steps after.

and i’ve been advised not to take a break btw!! this is not me overworking myself. i have a specific sign i have to see before making an attempt and another sign if i shouldn’t make an attempt. the universe knows these signs and has been showing me them DAILY before i make an attempt. don’t worry yall 💀💀

anyways i guess ill try to talk more abt my shifting journey now! i know it helps some people figure out where they’re going and whatnot, so… yeah! my goal is to help and advice while i’m getting to my current destination — and even after i get there. i love yall! happy shifting :)

[lizthinspo]

i keep thinking to myself just make it to the end of the year and then ur free to do whatever you please but until then we are crying and screaming my lungs out. isn’t it so funny how the only way i can feel ok is through being myself and driving around, bc that’s how i clear my head probably bc i wish there could be a reckless driver in my path that can pls kill me so i don’t ever have to go back home. i can’t go home. it’s like im not even wanted there, i know when im not wanted somewhere. it’s summer, MY summer, im supposed to be living, instead im crying thinking about ending my life, i feel like im losing control. the things that i used to make myself feel ok are being taken away from me daily. i feel like im going insane bc everything i do is somehow wrong or not what was needed of me and it hurts so much bc how else am i supposed to be alive and happy and ok if im not loved by myself and i hate myself inside and outside i feel like im not good enough for anybody, i feel like im the one person ppl always forget abt like when we’re in a public setting and with a bunch of ppl, i feel like im always the one to have been forgotten or left out. its a horrible feeling honestly bc I WAS THERE. i feel like i don’t deserve anything and i really don’t. but since ik these are my last few memories i want to make the most of them but im also scared of my mom and what she’ll say of me when im happy. and yes i smoke and drink and cvt but honestly i love smoking bc it takes away all of my pain and im left feeling nothing, ik it seems crazy but it makes me feel like im going to make it out alive and ok even for a split second but thats why im always smoking. bc you most def don’t help me feeling ok, you’re the reason why i never feel safe nor ok nor alive nor happy. i enjoy drinking bc im not gonna make it to 21 so im just getting to still experience it and also it makes me feel happy and danceful and full of joy but you always seem to take it away from me always and it truly sucks so much because sometimes i do really want to be happy w you bc you’re my mom. and i wanna be good for you but no matter what i do you can never truly appreciate anything i do. that’s why ive given up, bc you’re never gonna open ur eyes and actually see how much im trying. this summer i had so much planned! i was so hyped and excited abt it, you should’ve heard me all of senior year, talking abt how happy i was gonna be bc im free from school and im finally gonna be able to be me. idk what else you want from me, i wanna go out and have sleepovers and have friends and be out w them for hours on end and stay out late. you say i can’t go out bc im drinking but maybe if i went out more often without ur fucking mf bitch phone call on my ass every single minute. i wouldn’t be out drinking and smoking everyday as you probably think i do now bc i could actually experience happiness. and ykw my #1 rule is to never cvt myself for anyone else’s problems but i truly think that this one deserves one bc i think if she takes my car im actually gonna lost and idk what to do. i keep saying and telling myself to keep pushing for jared and jensen and misha but i don’t think i can bc im so tired and over everything i don’t wanna live anymore. i wanna slit my wrists or hang myself to my death bc i cannot bear the thought of you saying that you’re disappointed in me bc that shattered my heart and to just continue to tell me these awful things that i wish i could respond with just fucking kill me already FUCKING KILL ME! i’m sure that’s what she wanted to do either way. she says she’ll be here for whenever you need me but i don’t need you i’m fine without you in fact i’m better off without you. ik that my intentions are good for others not for myself bc everything i’ve heard come from your mouth i believe by the amount of times that you’ve told me the same things so much so that i start to believe it myself and that translates over to me hating myself constantly and not being able to experience having real friends and have a relationship and to just experience any from of love

[art-i-know-yes]

*says to myself that i won't do commentary on every episode i watch and that'll I'll switch off each episode*

*Jimmy says the most shit ever*

*breathes deeply*

SPOILERS FOR JIMJAMS POV ON 24LSMP OR LIMOTED LIFE

idc if Grian and Jimmy are on the same team im going to watch both povs

"im going to finally have friends" this was the quote btw

he wants to be monolopy man

*GASP* THEYRE THE BROTHERS TEAM

you don't know this but i heavily headcannon them as brothers (Joel as Jimmy's brother in law)

Jimmy. Jimmy plz.

Scar first death on the server.

*flips paper* so. who else got bingo cards.

im using @shepscapades bingo

i love her stuff to an unhealthy amount

anyway

also most prepped everyone has been

Jimmy has corrupted my head slug

Does jimmy being a thief count as villain arc or are we talking about the villain arc

they are bad bois

pearl is always just out of sight

someone spedran

they are so stupid💖💖💖

did scar do it first

that would've been hilarious

oh. here's where the bad boys messed up

keep inventory is on. k. ok.

everyone was literally waiting for them

i think life hates me bc like i have work soon

bad boy hits rancher huge scandal

every idea they have

this is hell chaos

"i do but i hate the name"

"bc im a bad boy *loud screaming*"

"on a completely unrelated note do you have gravel"

"i think im scared?" "im not scared" "i think im worried?" "im not worried"

love the groups

plz dont

"i slipped off the roof"

"do you guys wanna dig straight down" *literally caused them both to lose an hour* "yeah"

Cleo death

diaaaaammmoooonndddsss

"i was a good boy back then!"

they are so silly

brother antics

does the collection of amethyst count as a aha reference

Jimmy finds diamonds?!?!?!? top story

omg Jimmy is doing so good

do you think my boss is going to make me work through a tornado... probably

ooooo Jimmy spying

"this is why I'm mom it's fine"

cleo dying laughing

"our crops bdubs our crops"

still a homewrecker at heart

*disappointed sighs*

they say as if Joel doesn't bully him on a daily basis

bdubs once again working under scar again

Jimmy making enemies with everyone

*sigh*

"it's scar! look at his face"

you should've learned Jimmy

but also it was totally martyn

sad bois Jimmy is very sad boi

"Oh! hello grian!"

cleo is very motherly

"look to your left"

"we're letting it burn are we???"

"you have to know what scar wants in life" "you do know"

is it obvious who i...favor together

it was scar

"spyglasses are so 2020"

Jimmy got that super sight

"he was in the cave with us grian!"

they're just fishing

"you know it's gonna be you"

"martyn just died" "WHO CARES THIS IS MORE INTENSE"

"*screams* easy"

sad, mad, bad bois

rad bois

this is getting very aha -esk-

i think it counts

I can't physically go through this again plz

i love them. they are such losers. and i love them so so so much. bad boys or as i might refer to them the brothers team. and i love T.I.E.S too. time to watch some solo-ers

[runicmagitek]

2022 Writerly Year Review

tagged by @frozen-fountain (many thanks!!) not gonna tag anyone, but if you're a writer and are reading this and feel like giving this a go? Consider yourself tagged! 💖

Total number of completed works. Posted to AO3? 62 🙃 I guess it's technically 61, as What Leads You Here is still in progress, being a longfic and all.

Total number of WIPs worked on this year. Oh lord, hold please as I count all the drafts and partially done stuff in Scrivener.... 7 total. 8 if you include What Leads You Here, which fully drafted, but in the editing phase.

WIPs neglected this year. I honestly don't know djsaklfdjslkfjkldas I continue to neglect my one Celes/Terra fic I abandoned when 13 Sentinels hijacked my brain, so there's that 🙃 I promise I'll return to it one day.

Fandoms I've written in. 13 Sentinels, Critical Role, Final Fantasy (VI, VII, IX, and X), Fire Emblem: Three Houses, Mobile Suit Gundam: The Witch from Mercury, My Dress-Up Darling, and Pyre

Total word count. Uh, posted to AO3? 287,882. Written? A little over 500k

Looking back, did you write more than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you expected? MORE. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY MORE.

Did you take any writing risks this year? There were a handful of fics that I banged out in a single day, quickly edited them, and slapped them onto AO3. Are they amazing works of literature? Hell no. Were they super fun to write? Hell yeah. I need to just… relax with editing more and let myself do this more often. I swear some of my better-received fics are when I go "you know what? fuck it" and release it into the world.

Do you have any goals for the new year? Not write as much lolsob. Also finish What Leads You Here along with a handful of WIPs. Maybe even revisit that Celes/Terra WIP if I have time/energy!

Biggest disappointment? Not so much in my own writing, but just lack of engagement with some of my fics. Then again, that's par for the course when you write A) not-so-popular characters, B) gen fic, and C) stories involving death and angsty bits. Also seeing my fluffy G fics doing better than my smutty fics in the 13 Sentinels fandom just… continues to baffle me to this day. It's LITERALLY the only fandom I've ever been in where smut does worse numbers-wise and I don't get it.

Biggest surprise? I wrote something for Critical Role!! I've been a longtime watcher and enjoy the show, but I've done my best to staaaaay away from the fandom 😰 plus I tend to wait until I finish something before I ever consider writing a fic for it, just so I can have the whole picture, so to speak. But one particular episode just set me off and I had to write something to hold me over until the next episode 😭

Most popular story of the year? Most hits/bookmarks? For the Ones That Feel It the Most

Most kudos/subscriptions? Sweet Dreams (why are people subscribing to a oneshot lolsob)

Most comments? What Leads You Here

Ahhh the power of posting fics near the release of a popular thing. And also longfics lol.

What's your own favorite story of the year? I feel like this changes on a daily basis lol I love all of them for different reasons. Lucid has a close place to my heart bc I was Very Upset to find close to no m!Byleth/Gatekeeper fics in an incredibly popular/active fandom. Also really love how Like You, Only Sweeter turned out, which was an incredibly self-indulgent story for me (I just wanted them to smooch)

Story of mine most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion. Nearly all of my 13 Sentinels fics bc the fandom is small and niche lolsob. But also Marinate, which granted, I posted the last week of 2022, but still.

Most fun story to write. What the Water Gave Me, which very quickly snowballed out of control into its own thing. I had a blast writing this mermaid AU and thinking of lore for this world!

Most unintentionally telling story. I'm not sure if this means like… a story that utilized more telling as opposed to showing or just… telling about me as an individual. Either way, I'm genuinely not sure? A lot of aspects of myself are sprinkled across my stories, but isn't any work of art?

My favorite part of fandom this year. WHAT DO YOU MEAN I HAVE TO PICK ONE?????? Meeting so many cool and incredibly talented people. Starting a Discord server with good friends. Applying (and getting accepted!) to a bunch of amazing zine projects. Participating in all the secret santa events and fic exchanges. Being late to a fandom and getting to experience things for the first time. Watching my friend react throughout their 13 Sentinels playthroughs. Collaborating with a lovely art friend to make our own damn zine. Getting to share my longfic with the small, yet vastly passionate community. And just… so so many more moments that made me smile and be forever grateful. If we've interacted at all, even for a brief moment, thank you for making 2022 a little brighter.

[ssahotchnerr]

Helloheyhihih!! I'm so sorry that you've been having such negative thoughts n feelings about ur writing (and that ur getting idiotic anons 😒😒😒).

I can only speak for myself (and I'm terrible about this sort of thing so bear with me, i might lose track of what im saying 😭😭) but plzplzplz know that I fuckin adore your work. Each and every one is awesome, I'm never unsatisfied or disappointed whenever u pop up on my screen (ur one of the authors that I try and make sure to check out on the daily for anything new 😊), so plz don't think that your work isn't good or that no one enjoys it (I know that's much harder than it seems tho).

When it comes to likes/reblogs/messages, I def get the negative feelings that come with the unevenness between likes v. reblogs and I'm sorry that it's hitting u so hard. Although I can't speak for ur other faithful readers (faithful readers, plural!!!), I am dumb shy 😭😭😭 I do my best to reblog every fic I come across, but leaving comments (outside of the tags) and sending messages is a whole other beast but I'll do my best to get better at it for ya (I can't pay ya so the least I can do is lose my shit in ur inbox 😁)

Fuck, Idk where I was going with that, I lost track, but ur work is on par with those other authors u'r comparing urself to, I guarantee it (I've cried to ur stories!! I've gotten giddy and all caught up in ur stories and hcs!!! they make me feel things!!). Ur a staple, a cornerstone of the hotchgirlies!

I forgot what I was gonna say AGAIN (FUCK IM SORRY) lemme finish this before I lose track again - If you have a million fans on this hellsite, I'm one of them! If you have a thousand fans up here, I'm one of them!! If you've only got ten fans, I'm one of them!! And if you've only got one fan than someone's lying to you bc not only are ur fellow authors fans of urs but im def not passing on after death bc then I won't be able to keep reading ur stuff!!! Whenever u see me pop up in ur notifs, know that for each one I'm grinnin and hoppin and squealin and probably doing my best to keep a straight face on register!

Okay that's it lemme leave u be, get some rest luv! Take a break, splurge on something, be a bit of a hedonist for a while! 😚😚💕💕💕

omg ???? thank you so much AH this whole message just exhibits sunshine and love and feels like the biggest hug ever ever ever 🥹🥹🥺 YOU ARE SO SWEET 😭😭😭 i adore you immensely!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 💞💞💕 i'm so glad you're here bestie thank you 😭 <33333