#anyways this is about how atm i have the possibility of going to COTA
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Why can I only ever feel dread and never excitement, I'm just incapable of being excited until I'm physically doing whatever it is
#like months before going to austria#i had to apply and everything#and just would have horrible horrible panic attacks and was losing it#and it was just so so so much dread and absolutely no excitement#i had to just resign myself#and then whoops i get there and its a whole month of fun!!! like was really barely every upset#and then: Austrian GP#same situation like dying about it. literally physically sick the morning of#i get there....oh okay fun fun fun!!#anyways this is about how atm i have the possibility of going to COTA#and like i know i should and i kmow i shouldn't miss out on something like this#but god the dread and existential crisis is so bad#like i cant even pinpoint *why* and its always been this way#i just need to someone to assure me and tell me i should push onwards 😭#my brain: what if its disappointing. what if it doesnt live up to whatever preconceived notion you have#me: my brother in f1. this is literally my brainrot that i obsess over daily! why wouldnt it be fun?????#its just some mental hurdle i really struggle to get over and like i just can never feel excitement#like theoretically im like ofc yes this would be fun! but in reality can only dread it#but i really thinm i need to push thru it even tho i feel horribke abt it#bcs its the same exact thing every single time#and just all these stupid inconsequential things always come up in my head#like the fear of missing out on content on here. can literally bring your phone 😭😭😭#anyways panic attack yayyyyyyyy#i just really should go right? AGHHHHHHH 😭😭😭😭#trying to think positive is genuinely impossible. theres some other part of me that reminds me of all the potential bad things#and also this like weird guilt of 'people will think im greedy and spoiled and etc etc etc for getting to go to two'#its not like i really believe any of this but its also like so unavoidable#catie.rambling.txt
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