#bc 3 pov characters) because like...how necessary is it for the start

[dallonwrites]

chapter i finished last night is 7.8k.....working on finishing the next chapter which has all but one scene written....and the last scene is high action + extremely important to the inciting incident....lots of dialogue....and this chapter is already at 8.8k. like be SOOOO serious

[hourafterhour]

hmmm actually i'd be so interested in hearing about why you hated tsc? i personally didn't hate it but thought it was very flawed and would love to hear your critiques <3

very long below!

starting more generally, i thought the structure of it was bizarre, especially the choice to start it where she did. rehashing the end of TKM in very minute detail from a new pov did nothing for me, and i don't think it's where this part of jean's story "starts" if that makes sense. i found a lot of parts really ham-fisted and poorly written, esp very sloppy/lazy/straight up bad characterization (jeremy giving the homeless man a gift card, lmao); and her reliance on very high drama plot points (surprise secret sister - that was when i could not believe what i was forcing myself to keep reading; also reacher showing up, other parts i've forgotten). i think this approach works so well in aftg, where the melodrama is crucial, but it fails here, and i got the impression that she didn't feel like she was telling (what should have been) a fundamentally different type of story in content and structure than aftg. using any of the very compelling interpersonal dynamics wrt jean in her original trilogy to build drama in a subtler way would have been so much more rewarding imo. "can jean make a life outside the nest” is the built in stakes of the story. can he survive what has happened and what comes next. no need to make it any more dramatic than that - those are pretty high dramatic stakes to me. to give a more specific example, i thought the scene abt jean having to relearn how to check because the way the ravens do it is dangerous was excellent, especially when jeremy explicitly tells him “you’re hurting me” and it’s still unclear if that will be enough to make jean resort to a style of gameplay that’s less effective. this is more along the lines of what i’d hope we’d get from this book — subtle moments that arise from this being a sports narrative and a recovery narrative, and the unique situation of jean being forced into intimacy with a new team (again, a situation that is already so dramatically rich!) 

but my main issue is that I think aftg is a pretty exceptional (and exceptionally unique) trauma narrative, and i think jean’s trauma was poorly written here from start to finish, and pretty unimaginative/cliche. my overwhelming thought while reading it is that it was a really poorly researched book. writing the perspective of a character IMMEDIATELY after release from years of captivity is an extraordinarily difficult task, and the way she tried to account for what his patterns of thinking would have adapted to under those conditions was paltry to me: “I am Jean Moreau. My place is at Evermore. I will endure.” — i was literally rolling my eyes. just a really depressing lack of depth of interiority wrt an experience that was already so rich and subtle in canon. the single line in tkm when abby says he's already tried to escape back to the nest twice was more complex and worth more to me than all of tsc

to give another specific example bc this is one part i remember well, i was so annoyed at the scene when jean offers his racquet to rhemann for punishment. like it's so lazy!!! it's so lazy. jean is not stupid, and i could have believed it if it was written as jean being confused/getting where he was and who he was with mixed up, but a crucial part of the ideology of the nest was that this was not like other teams, and their lifestyle is not ordinary, and this is necessary to make them better than everyone else. jean would be well aware that other people on most other teams do not get physically abused by their coaches, in front of the rest of their teammates, as a matter of course. like maybe that seems nitpicky, but this actually seems so essential to me. and there were so many other moments where it just didn't seem like any meaningful or interesting thought had been paid to how jean would have interpreted his own life, and i hated how she had to make him do things like this to make certain things about his past visible because she couldn't do it in more skillful ways

i was kind of withholding judgement through the first little bit, but the first scene with kevin really solidified that i would not enjoy this book. jean is, what, a few days removed from the nest? i just do not believe (or want to be asked to believe) that he and kevin would be able to articulate any of that by that point, or have the words to discuss these things openly like that already. this was baffling to me because, once again, this is handled really well and compellingly in the original trilogy!!! hence my 40k two months of madness!!!! jean and kevin literally cannot even speak to each other when they see each other at the banquet, to the point where andrew intervenes just to get them to stop watching each other. iirc there was a part in the EC where nora said they don’t have a real conversation till a year (or multiple years?) out of the nest which felt extremely true to me. laila, cat, and jeremy constantly pressing him to express what happened, as if being able to narrativize a traumatic experience is not actively one of the hardest things about recovery, again just felt like lazy writing. everything has to be spoken out loud for it to work here, because she didn’t build conflict in any other way. i actively disliked laila and cat by the end of the book because she had to use them in such annoying and blunt ways to drive the story forward.  

OKAY there is my quota of "joyless hater" for the day... i appreciate you wanting to hear my thoughts!! if you have any thoughts on any of this i'd love to hear them as well. and if you're interested, i'll take the opportunity to rec an academic text on some of these dynamics, Alexandra Stein’s book “Terror, Love, and Brainwashing: Attachment in Cults and Totalitarian Systems"

[lemonhemlock]

1 and 8

character everyone gets wrong

hmmm.... there's so much asoiaf meta at this point it's hard to say.... tyrion perhaps? he generally maintains this antagonistic view of his father and sister, but, in hindsight, it does seem to me that not everything tywin and cersei did was to designed specifically attack him or to work against him. tywin does send him to KL to be hand of the king in his stead and gives him actual power to reign cersei in and cersei does try to team up with him at the beginning of ACOK. but tyrion is so set on undermining her that he never really takes this offer of collaboration seriously and everything escalates quickly afterwards.

idk how to best express this but i feel like, even though the ableism was real, there was a point where they could have mended their relationship, but tyrion did play a crucial part in destroying this truce, it wasn't all a premeditated assault on him. but, while fans have smartened up to his POV trap and realised that he is truly on a downwards spiral and not necessarily a "good" person, this unblemished victimisation narrative remains

by now i sound like a broken record but i cannot truly investigate these leads until i begin the great re-read project (if only i wasn't preoccupied with other books rn !! )

8. common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

i'm gonna start this with cersei bc this is the shorter rant, but people are so obsessed with this take that she doesn't really love her children, they're all just extensions of herself and that's what she cares about. it's so boring. it sounds like something parroted back from a psychiatry textbook. listen, cersei is her own brand of delusion, but she is also a person with feelings, not some ice-cold demon. people forget that in the quest of stripping her of her humanity, they also make her a less interesting and complex character. yes, she is an awful person with the capacity for love, otherwise what's the point? why do you think she became a POV character if it's all clowning around? also i think many people are way too eager to mistake paranoia and the effects of two recent traumatic deaths in the family with stupidity in her case

i'll have to move onto jaime rn bc his redemption discourse is also reaching tedious levels. first, in the ancient days, you had the dudebros who considered him a villain from the get-go and absolutely hated his guts, then these same dudebros discovered his POV in book 3 / season 3 and thus jaime gained a lot of fans who were suddenly on board the redemption train for him. then others got sick of this interpretation and countered with "jaime is not on a redemption arc !!! insert many exclamation marks!!!". this reaction was necessary at the time because debates were getting frightfully silly, but, nowadays it's like we've veered too far in the other extreme (from what i've seen anyway. i'm not an up-to-date scholar in jaimeological studies).

what i mean to say is that "redemption" has become such a dirty word in relation to jaime, when it's truly just a term. what does it matter what you really call it? redemption arc, identity arc, we're getting bogged down in definitions, snootily pointing the finger at each other and not really seeing the forest for the trees anymore. like he is objectively reconsidering, reinterpreting and trying to redefine both his relationship to the people around him and to abstract concepts like knighthood, justice and honour.

he doesn't exactly """regret""" pushing Bran out of a window, but he doesn't not regret it, you know what i mean? (another thread people are obsessed with: jaime will not get "redeemed" bc he doesn't regret pushing bran. i mean sort of? it's not that black or white, though: the situation was constructed in such a way as to be a fucked-up trolley problem with no true right answer. even sainted NED thinks this, i.e. to what lengths he or cat would have been willing to go to save their children. EVEN NED). yes, he also famously threatens to trebuchet edmure's baby, but he is also kind of pissed off in that moment, bullshitting and playing the tough guy in front of edmure. he lies a lot, to others and to himself. he is prone to violence, but he's not heartless. he is delulu but he is also re-evaluating his life. he's thinking about emulating his daddy but also cosplays as goldenhand the just. the man is really going through it.

if you ask me, it's vvvv likely jaime is the valonqar and his story will end with cersei in a bout of violence. but: as a manifestation of his unjust jealousy or as an act of kindness (to save her from a worse death)? i think both are possible. jaime is the pendulum swinging, he is a work in progress, he can get better, he can get worse. he is not a good person, he is pretty decent at heart and trying to do better. his 'identity' arc or whatever you want to call it might as well be a 'redemption' arc but with the quest unfulfilled. or partially unfulfilled. he might retcon himself into a true white knight, but still choose to go back to cersei, because he feels responsible for her or, you know, (incoming controversial opinion) because it's the right thing to do. yes, the incest is a bad coping mechanism, yes, you did many fucked up shit together and that was wrong, but, for better or worse, she is your sister and the person you shared your life with. you can't let her die alone. whatever she did, you also did, and you should carry the burden together. there is love there and you must honour that or else nothing means anything in this world. you go into the light together!!

[altruistic-meme]

oh you KNOW i gotta ask 10

and also 11 cause maybe talking about it would help

you are one cruel, cruel fiend, milo. why would you do this to me.

10. 🤡How many Wips are you actively working on?

alexa play "oh my dear lord" by the unlikely candidates

okay. okay. so in the interest of trying to limit what we consider ACTIVELY working on, i'm going to exclude fics that i'm not really sure if i'll ever finish and fics that i haven't actually STARTED writing, but i'm still going to include fics i know i'm going to return to even if i haven't touched them in a while. so let's check the WIP list...

3 for All for the Game (why is there) joy in this poison, Figurative Ghosts, go low

2 for Young Royals Dare(d) To Do It, Not Supposed to Know*

1 for Captive Prince laurent stabs damen

9 for Bungo Stray Dogs blackhole time fuckery, will you be mine? (no sir), The Port Mafia Boss's Most Loyal Dog, me-ow, dazai's job, abo au, outsider POV of corruption, who tf is slug????, not really a college au,

so that is... 15 TOTAL, most of which are currently bsd fics bc i have been bouncing between all of the WIPs there with incredible frequency cus my brain refuses to just STAY PUT ON ONE.

*techinically i haven't actually written anything for NSTK, but because it is one half of the Parallels AU and i have written for Dare(d), which is its partner fic, i'm still counting that as having worked on it. especially since they're 2 POVs of the same story, which means some of the events in Dare(d) will be shown in NSTK as well, so the same dialogue will be used in both for scenes they share.

11. 🛠Is there a scene or anything in the WIP you are struggling with right now?

oh this is about to be so long im so sorry

i think there's something im struggling with with all of my bsd WIPs right now, which is probably part of why there are just so many that i'm actively working on bc if i get stuck on one i can just move to something else for a while ;;;;

largely, i feel like im struggling a lot with figuring out Dazai and Chuuya's characters which obviously affects all of the WIPs since they're all skk-centric!! but they're both such complex characters with a super complex relationship with each other and i really love that about them and i want to be able to get that across, even in the shorter fics!! (this was also a struggle with the torturing kunikida fic, though since it was from Kunikida's POV it was a little easier bc i could show the contrast to what he expected of skk vs. what he saw that day to help get that across)

but just. characterization is ALWAYS an issue for me, especially when i first start writing characters. and i know that it'll be fine bc it always is, i think my anxiety about it causes me to put in the effort to really make the characters work and people usually really seem to enjoy them?? it is one of the things about my writing that people mention most often (and i will never tire of that, see: lots of anxiety about it) so i know i should calm down about it but HHHHHH

on the brightside(?) i do have a WIP that's still very much in the planning stages that will allow me to look at and play with a lot of the more toxic/codependent/generally unhealthy aspects of the two of them + their relationship while also giving me some more wiggle room in their characterization, which i think will be a fun way to help curb some of that anxiety when i actually start writing it.

and outside of that, looking at a specific WIP for an issue im facing currently: Loyal Dog is giving me SO MUCH TROUBLE bc i know what needs to happen and i know overall how the story is going to go and what the main points in it are. but actually figuring out how to write what i need to get down is. a struggle.

like it's just. i know the main plot and the main points and some of what needs to be done to get there. but the finer details are tripping me up. this time i think the outsider POV is working against me here, but also having it from an outsider POV is necessary to the story as i want it told!! idk. it's a LOT stupid little details that i need to plan and decide on while trying to make it plausible that's stressing me out more and hhhhhhhhhh

[ writer WIP asks to help me procrastinate writing ]

[itlivesproject]

i feel like harper's writing is not talked about as much as it should be and i just wanna say that ilw has given me a newfound love for them that ilb hadnt quite managed to do!

also i dont mean this to come across as demanding and greedy but a horny bitch gotta ask: had you ever considered doing a harper pov for ch23 for some sexy times👀 or had that never been in the plans? im aware, and thankful, of how much work it was to do all the devon routes (and ig all those sex scenes were much more, as weird as it sounds, anticipated than the ilb routes bc ilb already had sex but the cast were minors in ilitw. though i wonder if theres a 'diamond' option for devon to just hang out w their friends if they have no li or do they just go to bed?) i cant help but feel like ilb kinda got the short end of the stick somehow, compared to the ilitw cast who were more present in ilw even though its not their story anymore, but ig theyre more connected to the ilw storyline than the ilb cast bc they are from westchester while ilb not.

i still love the story a lot, its quickly become one of my fav 'playchoices' (heh) stories, i just kinda want to start a conversation more than criticise, if that makes sense.

thank you <3 i personally really love harper and i LOVED writing them so much. the ilb scenes were some of my favorite to work on.

to answer your question, let me first say that i am one of the few probably who actually prefer ilb to ilitw. so i went into ilw wanting ilb rights 😂 secondly, i will say that the crux of the answer comes down to technicalities behind writing variants.

interestingly, we actually were considering the idea of Elliot being part of the ilw crew when we first started and having a nerve score! the idea was that a) he's a guaranteed survivor so we wouldn't have to write variants around it and b) he had gone to connor when harper vanished and they were working together more actively in looking for harper. we ended up scrapping the idea however, because he didn't feel necessary. him in that role really felt like extra baggage, and there wasn't really room for a character arc for him. so we changed it to how it ended up being. we also were considering having one ilb crew member being part of the ilw crew as well, since at least two of them are guaranteed to not die and not leave, but that idea quickly got tossed because it was simply too many variants.

when it comes to ilitw, every single character has the possibility of being dead, so one of the earliest things we did was come up with a "contribution" for each character. we didn't want it to be like in ilb, when you just have this awkward one-off conversation with each one and they're all in the same room but not talking to each other for some reason?? so we decided to separate them out from each other more and make their contributions independent of each other. we also had to figure out what happens if they are dead and unable to provide their contribution.

Ava - obviously her contribution was coven leader. If she's dead, Sunny is the leader.

Stacy - she attends the dinner party with rowan and connor and allows you to bring your LI along with you.

Lucas - he helps work on the cure, and his survival is necessary to being able to fully cure the horrors at the end of the game.

Andy - he helps revived devon/noah in the physical therapy scene

Dan - he provides therapy to rowan which comes with some nerve gain

Once we had all these contributions, we had a really hard time thinking about what ILB crews "contributions" would be. And because they weren't from Westchester, it didn't make as much sense for them to be involved. Secondly, because someone's always guaranteed to be alive, the scenes of all of them together are actually a lot easier and possible to write, where ILITW's scenes like that are insanely difficult. so instead of having their "contributions," ilb crew's involvement was mostly considered by us as a group thing, and it was focused around harper's disappearance arc. We had discussed ways to make them more involved, but it didn't really fit and we felt like it distracted from the main story we were trying to tell. It was a tough balance to figure out how to make previous books matter and bring back old characters while giving the new characters the screen time and focus that they needed. I hope this makes sense!

I know a few people were disappointed that Harper didn't do much in chapters 21-23 but you have to understand that Harper could never be instrumental in their success, because they can be dead, and we didn't want to lock mc succeeding behind harper being alive or not. secondly, that ending scene had an insane amount of variants, from rowan secretly being a traitor, to devon/noah who was human and who was the ghost, to LIs dying and/or leaving, and throwing harper into the mix would have been extremely complicated for a character whose involvement wouldn't be able to fundamentally change anything, for the reasons i explained above.

Now, moving onto the horny scenes, we actually were planning on having ilb sex scenes when we first started, but when we realized how many sex scenes we were going to write (it ended up being a grand total of 21 lol) we were like. never mind 😂 the spot it was going to go was actually after harper was saved from the breach and you play as them. originally their leg wasn't broken and they weren't in the hospital, so that's where it was going to go. but as the scenes changed and we got burnt out from writing sex scenes, we decided not to include it, our rationale being a) they're in the hospital and b) they got two sex scenes in ilb whereas ilitw lis haven't ever gotten one. it definitely would not have worked for the epilogue, because I think it would have really thrown off the pacing to just take turns playing as each mc getting it on with their LI lol. but everyone is free to hc what harper and their LI did after that bbq heehee

[will80sbyers]

My controversial opinion is that from a narrative pov vecna targeting byler doesnt make sense bc the writers wouldnt be able to put montages like they did for lumax and elmax. Most of byler moments were trashed later on like mike saying his life started when he met el and the rain fight which resulted in will's mental breakdown and destroying castle byers like idk you can maybe find 3 moments or smth but making a montage wouldnt work it would just feel hallow for the audience.

Hmmm I disagree because we have so many fan videos of them that already made the tag blow up from tiktok videos in only a few months lmao I doubt it will feel hollow to the audience because they already liked the fans videos...

I don't think those moments were trashed by that, that's a weird perspective for me... Mike didn't intentionally hurt Will when he destroyed castle Byers, he wasn't being homophobic and having a fight doesn't delete all the friendship moments they shared... The season 2 monologue by Mike, Crazy together scene, the hand touch, the cool cool scene, the speech in the van etc etc are all still valid... but I also think they could recreate their first meeting on the swings seeing that they already did for younger Eleven, they can find two little actors to play tiny Mike and Will but it's not even necessary, we have already so so many beautiful byler scenes

In another way I agree that they will not use that many flashbacks for them because I don't think they will win against Henry only using memories next season, I don't think the Vecna'd thing will be the same as s4, it will be mostly visions that try to destabilise them and the characters facing their demons like maybe Will seeing his father etc so I think they will be sent in a metaphorical mind place and they are going to win by responding to these "demons" by talking mostly...and we're gonna have a love confession from Will...

We could see a few flashbacks scenes of how Will looks at Mike etc but I think they are going to focus on Noah because he's an amazing actor and he will deliver all of Will's heart!!

I don't think Will can end the show without being face to face with Vecna anyway so he will be targeted and there are reasons to think that Mike will be targeted too and almost die... and my idea is that they will take inspiration from It and it 1990 where all of them are having visions together, all of the party

[satiricaily]

3, 7, 10, 50 for the fic asks 😌

for this

hiiii there's a huge smile on my face rn thank u for the qs iva ♡

q3 answered here!

q7 - Any worldbuilding you’re particularly proud of?

this is tough because my fics are all literally just about atmospheres but if i had to choose it might be this

Snow fell gently outside like a mother's kiss; silently and leisurely, savouring each second of the fall until it met the ground. There was a calmness to it that spreaded through the homes and colouring the silences with an underlying solace where time no longer rushed forward, where time sat right beside. No more running, Dongsik thought, as he stood before the window and watched the streets layer with a thin blanket of dirty white snow. For once in a long time, Manyang no longer felt haunted by an itch under the skin. For once, there was tranquility and the wintery air had become a breath of relief instead of a reminder that somewhere, a body might be freezing underground.

from then i fade like the violence

q10 - How do you decide what to write?

also tough because i'm probably the most reckless writer out there who writes purely on instincts and lack of planning whatsoever. most of the time i start writing a fic it's bc i read a poem/novel and got inspired or from songs that have really great storytelling. then afterwards it's just mostly me writing and letting the story flow on its own by however feels right lol but if necessary i do map out the plot by bulleted points! sometimes i just sit and picture myself as the characters in the fic and wonder what the hell juwon would do or say if he was in that situation etc.

im a mess i know but i hope that answers the q </3

q50 - Answer any question of your choice, or talk about anything you want to talk about!

this is so sweet but also really mean because i cant make decisions even if my life depended on it djffjd but i think i'll talk about q30 (Have you ever written something that was out of your comfort zone? If so, what was it, and how did it affect your approach to writing fic thereafter?)

I have! Twice; first was the juwon/joongsang crossover fic because Aus are scary territory for me especially crossover ones. plus joongsang barely had lines in the film so deciding his word choices and tone was awfully difficult, and i already had a hard time with dialogues, which is why afterwards dialogues came slightly easier to me? it also made me understand juwon's character better because how else can u explore a character besides putting them in situations that are drastically separated from canon (in my opinion at least)

Second time was my jwds prompt fic where it was written in second pov. This is quite obvious because a lot of comments mentioned how difficult it is to write and read in 2nd pov so it was quite challenging. i had to figure out how to not make it feel awkward or reminiscent of those celebrity self insert imagines from 2010 lmao and apparently it worked ? i guess. writing those prompts in 2nd pov definitely helped me know how to make the story flow smoother though so <3

[ljbrary]

20 questions for fic writers

tagged by @anxiety-banana HEY AB ILY I'M SORRY I KNOW YOU TAGGED ME IN THIS A MONTH AGO SO THIS IS SO LATE BUT STILL

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

22

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

101,550

3. What fandoms do you write for?

right now ive been writing for the last of us but most of my fics are star wars (specifically most of them are the clone wars) and i have one six of crows fic

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

all of them are star wars fics

lean on me (but let me laugh, first)

don't fix it if it's not broken (but broken's only a point of view)

fill the hollow space with silence (and other words of comfort that aren't so comforting)

it's a process (you wouldn't understand)

it's not good grief (but it's better)

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

i think i get to most of them and i seriously try my best to but like i struggle with replying to even my texts irl and i have no concept of time at all (the adhd is adhd-ing unfortunately) but every single one literally makes my life

6. What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i think either the love only lasts so long (the grief lasts longer, the guilt never leaves) or this silence hurts worse than the truth (if only you would tell it) which are quite literally the same exact situation just from different povs because i have never had an original thought in my life. it's post-mortis arc in the clone wars with anakin and ahsoka and the transparently trauma-shaped elephant in the room between them.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

i honestly have no idea? so im just going to say my tlou fic statistically significant because although its bittersweet it ends with joel and ellie together and thats literally all i need to be happy at this point in my life.

8. Do you get hate on fics?

no, but i probably should.

(that was a joke. but like if i did its fine bc i have 3 brothers who've already found my ao3 and bullied me for it so the hater would prob need to get real creative after all that lmao.)

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

no

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

no i dont have the executive functioning skills necessary to plan one of those out but they sound interesting.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

guys my fics aren't that good. if someone stole it they'd just return it no worries.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

no i haven't but that would be sick.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

like ab said in her post, ab, ash, and i tried but it just never came to fruition but it was a fun attempt

also my older brother and i when we were younger tried to write a percy jackson fic together.

14. What's your all-time favourite ship?

i like found family more than romantic stuff, but if i have to choose definitely percabeth because they are the reason i have unrealistic expectations in life.

15. What's the WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

ALL OF THEM IM SO BAD AT FINISHING THEM

16. What are your writing strengths?

thats so funny lmfao

okay but self deprecation aside idk maybe like imagery or metaphors sometimes? also apparently writing emotion ig? my english teacher in high school told me i was good at the psychological aspect of understanding a character and their actions/emotions but i don't know man

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

for starters, starting. im supremely bad at starting things. i always struggle with intros/the beginning of writing pieces. and i struggle with plotting/planning things. i also am incapable of writing genuine dialogue, every conversation i write sounds so disjointed and awkward. i also tend to focus too much on the introspective aspect of characters and forget about that irrelevant little thing called a "plot."

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

i made up my own language for a few star wars fics and it was so atrocious that i can't even bring myself to reread them again so i think i'll be staying away from that one for a little while.

however if i was smart or savvy enough to pull it off i would totally do it that would be sick.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

percy jackson when i was 10 years old on wattpad. my older brother and i co-wrote the fic and then i made my friend at school edit it on the computers in the library. still have yet to live that one down.

20. Favourite fic you've ever written?

weighted words hurt more than loaded fists (if you know how to use them) i have a soft spot for it even though it's one of my least popular fics in terms of like hits and kudos. its just a found family (shocker, i know) modern/foster care au with rex and ahsoka. i like the imagery, metaphors, and just the vibes overall.

okay leaving this open to anyone who wants to do it!!

[carnivalls]

@theklaapologist (re: my tags where i 'clarify' that prior is not actually oedipal bc he doesn't want to fuck his mom and kill his dad, he'd want to want to fuck his mom, and really want to fuck his dad, and also maybe kill him, but that no one has time to unpack all that, least of all him.)

well... i could never disappoint my audience... ;)

so basically prior's life is so so bad, right. and a large part of this is due to the 🥳 cycles 🥳. his dad, cristo evangelos, was obsessed with his brother (prior's uncle and eve's dad) dominic - obsessed with outdoing him and demeaning him and creating this intense, eternal sibling rivalry for them both to forever be defined by. the rules were easy: if dominic got a house, cristo would get a bigger one. if dominic got a job as a magic-based researcher, cristo would apply himself to the same branch despite any different better offers. if dominic got married, cristo would pick out a wife the very next week. and if dominic had a child- well. you can guess where this is going. generally it was a strange & uneven rivalry, one reliant on dominic to always set the ball rolling, take the first step so cristo knew how big his own had to be in turn. and if dominic never really noticed or cared about this attempted dynamic... well. when you're obsessed with someone that part never really matters, does it?

anyway, prior was born shortly after eve, despite his very name being an attempt to refute this timeline. and from the start his role was set out: he was a reply to dominic evangelos's daughter, made to continue the rivalry his father had started with hers. and prior obviously embraced this purpose (at least at first), because it's all he ever knew and it's what daddy always told him and he wanted to make daddy happy ❤️ even if daddy in question would more often than just not throw a sharp word or raised hand his way and snap at prior for not being quite 'right', or for being too weak/sensitive, or for being too attached to his coddling mother (or for being how cristo himself was as a child, or for being cristo's child in the first place when he hadn't been ready for/wanted one yet.)

(keep in mind that misogyny in terras town isn't even the same as it is in our world (could expand on this in separate post) and cristo is literally inventing new forms of it here btw. all of the traits he hates in prior for being typically feminine aren't actually related to terras town femininity, but rather prior's inability (in his eyes) to take on the necessary steps to outdo a perceived rival. but we ball.)

cristo also wasn't... the best to prior's mom. there was a lot of general disinterest and cruel dismissal, as well as some occasional callous blame thrown at her for prior turning out 'this way.' and prior really loves his mom, so he did not quite like this treatment of her. but his mom (however conflictedly) loves his dad, so there was a general quiet acceptance of it. so prior then accidentally crafted a weird cognitive dissonance pov on it all, where it wasn't very okay that his dad treated his mom like this, but it was okay when his dad did it to him because, well, his mom didn't mind when he did it to her, and prior saw himself more in her than he ever did in him, despite consciously craving the reverse. weird boy </3

anyway point is that prior's relationship with his parents came to be extremely strained, where his world revolved around his father and he very much wanted to make him proud but where he only ever actually felt safe around his mother. prior wanted to love & be like his dad, but shamefully kept finding himself loving & being like his mom more instead.

and this would be okay too if we didn't start to bring in the weird freudian sexuality angle (keep in mind i have never in any meaningful way done freudian research because... come on, & this is so so so loose and only half srs as far as character analysis goes as is): bc, just as prior's mom constitutes safety and a good presence in prior's life and such, she also becomes prior's role model in terms of Who He Identifies With. bc they're allies - its just him and his mom, against his dad, with his dad, having a strange relationship with his dad. and well. if we just apply this to sexuality... prior's mom thus can't become the oedipal LO, because she's too busy becoming sexuality's blueprint for prior. and her desire gets pointed where? at prior's dad. who meanwhile prior knows he should be emulating (as a man, as a son created to literally further his rivalry, etc), sexually as well, but... yeah. he can't. so prior's got the wires crossed up, where he's subconsciously identifying with this 'feminized' sexuality and being drawn to authority and 'masculinity' and power, while also knowing consciously that this should be flipped and he is really fucking up this oedipal arrangement. lmao. at least he's vaguely kept the (however dissonanced) sentiment of wanting to kill his dad alongside desiring him/what he represents - albeit in part as a defense of his mom, in part as a defense of himself, and maybe even in part as a defense against said desire ('hey, i fucked up that part of being your son, but... how crazy masculine would it be if i at least killed you about it?'). he contains multitudes even he isn't aware of!

anywayyyy there is more to prior and his insane relationship to his parents, especially after eve kills dominic and prior's own dad is so at a loss with what to do with himself that he ends up emulating this too (re: commits suicide), but that's the elongated summary of that throwaway remark. tt: oedipal analysis coming this fall 🔥

16 & 21, prior and virgo?

thank you ❗️

16. What is your OC's pain tolerance like?

prior's pain tolerance is a joke, much like everything else about him - he's the kind of guy who, when throwing himself into something, is able to sort of detach himself from the pain, grit his teeth and bear it. punch across the face? he's got it. twisted arm? sure. but outside of those confines - just every day pain, a stubbed toe, a papercut? he makes the biggest deal out of it possible, and seethes the entire time. man child moments. prior is the kind of guy who would be okay if someone broke his leg, but would be a helpless mess with the flu.

for someone trying her best to distance herself from any life that might involve violence/normalized physical pain, i think virgo has a pretty good pain tolerance, just naturally. or rather - i think she can stomach it well, not let it interfere in her life. pop a pill and move on. we have shit to be doing.

21. Does your OC have any illnesses or disorders? How do they handle it?

i think virgo is fully neurotypical & able bodied, on lock, the whole deal, and prior... well. what do you classify the oedipus complex as.

[afterthelambs]

Hunting Dogs ability reveals and ‘true nature’

This is just a theory so take it with a grain of salt (there’s a TLDR at the end if you wanna skip). The scenes where the Hunting Dogs’ abilities are revealed also reflect what their ‘true nature’ is, and the order in which they’re revealed is significant for the future.

So far, 3/5 of the Hunting Dogs’ ability reveals came with a twist of them taking an unexpected side. Tachihara is revealed to have a metal-manipulating activity at the same time we find out he is actually an undercover Hunting Dog. Fukuchi’s weapon-strengthening ability is revealed right when we find out he is Kamui. And finally, (the thing that made me notice this trend in the first place) Jouno’s molecularization ability is revealed when we find out whether he ultimately chooses to side with good or bad. 

This makes me believe that whatever the character is telling the audience during their ability-reveal scene is the most honest insight into them, the ‘true nature’ that we should be paying attention to. This is important for the futures of the remaining two Hunting Dogs: Tecchou and Teruko. I’ll start with Tecchou. 

Very dramatic of him (who r u showing off for bro, the only one around is Jouno), but the gist is he has a very righteous black-and-white view of the world. He sees things in ‘good and evil’, not ‘legal and illegal’ despite being law enforcement. This is supported later on when he promises to get Lucy off scot-free for aiding terrorists (the ADA is innocent but he doesn’t know that so from his POV it counts) just because her intentions are good. 

For a normal person, just having ‘good intentions’ isn’t enough. Aiding in a crime is still illegal and punishable, but because of Tecchou’s convictions, he thinks she should be rewarded despite that. So the ‘ability reveal = true nature’ holds true so far for Tecchou. This is important for the future because it suggests that he’s eventually going to side with the ADA against Fukuchi because they are the good ones. 

And then we have Teruko. She’s the interesting one because she’s not as straightforward. She doesn’t spell out her philosophy the way Tecchou does when explaining her ability. She also simps over Fukuchi, so a lot of people think she’s going to side with him in the end. But if you pay attention to what she says during the sky casino arc...

... we find out that she has strong convictions against a world run by violence. Basically, she dislikes violence as a concept but thinks it is necessary to stop worse outcomes (ends justifying the means). She also gladly accepts that burden, which is disturbingly self-sacrificing. It’s a twisted ideology to have (esp for law enforcement), but it shows that she does have beliefs outside of Fukuchi. Nowhere in the sky casino arc did she mention or simp over him. So if the ‘ability reveal = true nature’ holds true for her like the rest, I personally believe she will eventually fight against Fukuchi if she finds out the truth. I could be wrong though, bc she’s the least straightforward. She uses her ability multiple times before it’s actually explained, which reflects how she’s intentionally written to be unclear. 

Finally, the order is also important. If the ability-reveal shows their true nature, then the order of those ability-reveals reflects how much conviction the characters themselves have in their ideologies. 

Here’s the order: Tecchou, Tachihara, Teruko, Fukuchi, Jouno. 

Tecchou has the most rigid and righteous ideology (some describe it as ‘tunnel-vision') which is why he was revealed first. In contrast, Jouno has the most mixed ideology. He’s split between enjoying torment and enjoying helping others, which is why he comes last. (note: this doesn’t mean Jouno is worse than Fukuchi since this is the order of how intensely they believe their convictions, not the goodness of the convictions themselves). Teruko is once again smack in the middle, further evidence that she’s deliberately unclear. She could swing either way, however the fact that Jouno comes after her but didn’t side with Fukuchi means it’s likely that she won’t either. 

TL;DR: So that’s my theory on how what they say during the ability-reveals reflects their truest selves. People are on the fence about Tecchou and Teruko right now, but based on this it’s likely that they will both side with the ADA eventually. 

[ariapmdeol]

introducing @gavinom​ and I’s DSMP Parahuman AU!! This is a superpowers AU based on Worm, a web serial by wildbow!!

This is a superpowers AU,,, with a VERY complicated story. There are 3 or 4 main POV/plotlines:

Tommy and Tubbo’s plotline

Techno and Phil’s plotline

Dream’s plotline

Wilbur’s plotline

also niki’s plotline bc i appreciate her so much

they’re all very heavily interconnected! There’s a connection chart here, but there’s much more detailed explanations under the cut!

basic worldbuilding info: the city that this story focuses on (Dream SMP) is run by the Dream Team! They’re a group of villains who took over the city after it was being badly mismanaged by corrupt officials. Dream has connections to Cauldron (human experimentation group looking to create artificial powers). SBI + everyone else all live in this city! Powers are common and have a classification system shown below, and people with powers are called Capes! Capes are divided into Heroes, Villains, and Rogues (who are neither heroes or villains). People get powers when they experience an emotionally charged or traumatic event or events called a Trigger Event! These events shape what kind of power the cape gains!

SBI Tommy and Wilbur are both Philza’s biological kids! Philza is a researcher with long hours, Wilbur takes care of Tommy, but all of them have something else going on! ages: Tommy: 16 wilbur: 21 philza minecraft: early 40′s?

PHILZA - Mover 4 Philza is a researcher working for an organization called Cauldron. Cauldron is experimenting on people in order to understand and create powers artificially! As he ends up more and more involved with both the research on powers and the affected people (called Case 53′s), including technoblade, he decides that he cannot tolerate this anymore, and plans to break techno and others out! He steals a vial labelled ‘Zephyrus’, drinks it, and ends up with wings! He and techno break out, unlock a ton of other cells (including Ranboo’s!), and end up on the run. However, both his sons are left behind... After months of being on the run, he and Techno finally decide that it’s safe enough to return. But hang on, why is the house so empty? And did someone just open the door?

Technoblade - Tinker, Brute 3 technoblade is one of Cauldron’s Case 53′s! His power is a Tinker power, which means that he can invent things! However, he can only invent what chat decides is necessary. This is seen as an EXTREMELY overpowered and rare ability. Most Tinkers have some kind of specialty that they’re limited to, or some other restriction that limits their Ability-Driven inventiveness. Techno’s only limit is his Chat, which can be convinced into a certain direction. He also has had a lot of physical changes like gaining claws, tusks, hooves, and a tail! Techno also has increased regeneration and resistance! He’s fiercely overprotective of Phil and the two of them are best friends! After months on the run, he and Phil return to Phil’s home, but something is off... Is that a Tinker’s lab?!

Tommy - Trump 6 and Tubbo - Tinker (Drones), Master 3 Tommy’s plotline is technically our main POV! He really admires his older brother a ton! Philza’s spent a lot of time away from home, so Wilbur ended up looking after Tommy a lot, especially after Phil went missing... wonder where he went? About a month after Phil vanished, Wilbur starts spending a lot of time away from home too, so Tommy spends most of his time with Tubbo! When Tubbo got his powers, it was... not a good day. Tubbo hadn’t been having an easy time at school, and it all kind of... got to be too much, so he triggered. However, they both quickly realized that Tubbo had gotten a Tinker power! He creates and can manipulate Drones without a remote being necessary! The two of them immediately decided to become heroes, and started making costumes and hero names and stopping minor crime! Very quickly though, they got into a situation that was too much for them. Tubbo got badly injured, and Tommy triggered his ability for the first time. Tommy has the ability to boost the abilities of people he cares about! He makes them stronger and loosens some of the restrictions on their powers. Tommy and Tubbo continue trying to be heroes when they come across Ranboo, and take him home with them! Hm? it looks like someone else is inside already, who could that be?

Wilbur - Master 4, Thinker 3 Wilbur is a very charismatic and scheming character! He cares a ton about his family, and does his best to look after Tommy. He’s bitter and angry at Phil for essentially leaving him to take care of Tommy so often, and he triggered after Phil’s funeral, over a month after Phil first vanished. His ability is illusion based! He can project illusions into someone’s mind, and can read people very VERY well. He realizes that his power is definitely a powerful one, and ends up becoming a villain! He goes to Dream, and asks for some territory to prove himself as a leader (and bc villainy is profitable shhh). Dream agrees, and Phantasm becomes leader of a territory called L’Manburg. On his villain team are niki, eret, and fundy! He doesn’t want to involve Tommy or Tubbo in this whole thing, and he has no idea that either of them are Capes. He ends up spending more and more time outside the house and running his territory. Fundy ends up looking up to him as a sort of older brother/father figure, and when Fundy ends up without a place to go, Wilbur sets him up in their villain HQ! When he comes home, he immediately notices something is up. His power had suddenly gotten... stronger? He opens the door and sees...Philza? 

Dream - Master 7, Tinker(?), Striker 2 Dream has the power to possess objects that he touches! He uses this +  custom Puppets to act as the unkillable leader of the Dream Team! Dream is heavily involved with Cauldron, and personally oversaw Ranboo’s experimentation. He and Philza knew each other as civilians, and he knows that Philza stole a serum from Cauldron, but Phil doesn’t know that he’s Dream, just that he works for Cauldron! Sapnap and George both don’t know about his involvement in Cauldron, though. Dream is looking for Techno, and wants to convince him to get on his side. He has yet to meet someone who can beat him and his ability, after all! That’s part of why he gives Wilbur territory to look after so easily - he’s confident in his ability to take Wilbur down. However, things might be more difficult than he assumes... As a bit of a side note, both Awesamdude and 5up are rogues, but he hires both of them for jobs and such!

OTHER STUFF THAT I HAVEN’T QUITE PLANNED OUT AS MUCH IN DETAIL:

fundy and 5up are in a ML style love square! 5up has a crush on Fundy’s villain identity, while Fundy has a crush on 5up’s civilian identity!

niki and ranboo are siblings! she became a villain with Wilbur to look for him. Ranboo has been missing for a very VERY long time, and doesn’t remember anything before Cauldron!

5up also tends to help out Tommy and Tubbo a lot? He saved them from a situation that was UH.. VERY OUT OF THEIR LEAGUE pretty early on, and decided “welp time to become a big brother”! he’s been teaching them how to fight, and Tubbo is really having fun with it

all the plotlines collide on the same night. Phil and Techno come home at the same night that Tommy and Tubbo are bringing Ranboo home, Wilbur’s been out for the past week and is only now JUST coming home after getting Fundy settled, and none of them know about the other person’s powers at all

it’s CHAOS because Phil’s been assumed dead and has just come back with WINGS and a tall and intimidating Technoblade, who immediately pulls a sword on them, Tommy and Tubbo still are in costume, Ranboo recognizes Techno and Phil as the guys who broke him out, and WILBUR is realizing that he’s missed a hell of a lot

and NO ONE KNOWS that ranboo is the one niki is looking for! not even ranboo

theres like. a whole timeline to this that i still need to draw/write out but TRUST US WE HAVE A PLAN

George is a Precog who gets prophetic dreams! They’re primarily impressions though, and he’s ended up in someone else’s dreams a couple times... If he uses his ability too much, he gets insomnia!

karl and quackity are both there too i just havent planned their part yet!!

sapnap is a high Breaker/Brute/Striker cape, I just haven’t narrowed down the specifics yet!

[orbitariums]

𝐠𝐢𝐫𝐥𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐟𝐢𝐥𝐦 | 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫 | 𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐯𝐞 𝐫𝐨𝐠𝐞𝐫𝐬 (𝟒)

part three

note - i wanna thank everyone for reading once again! i'm currently in the process of writing imagines, those will be posted throughout the week, i don't want to clog up my blog bc i want y'all to see this chapter!

this one switches pov a lil more frequently, so bear with me <3 also not as smutty as other chapters, this is more of an emotionally-charged chapter!!! still a teensy bit smutty thooo. i want to make it clear that while this fic is definitely rooted in smut & sex & sex work, it is not porn without plot & will not ONLY be smut as i put effort and time into plot development / character development! i'm sure y'all know that tho. there will be conflict, there will be plot!!! i feel like that's clear already but there's discourse on smut happening rn and i wanna voice myself! omg anyways luv y'all enjoy the reaaad <3

new taglist!

playlist

word count - 8.3k

warnings - age gap, sex work, smut, vibrator, ANGSTYYY like hella dramatic, dirty talk

That slight shift that you and Steve both felt, that happiness that you realized came from talking to one another, only lasted so long... for you. You could hardly sit in your feelings about your situation with Steve before another thing that occupied all your time came crashing down upon you. Except this time, the thing brought you no such happiness or curiosity.

    You had spent almost your entire senior year working on a special lab project about drought tolerant plants in Southern California where you lived and went to school, and your professor was making completing your project incredibly hard for you. And you felt incredibly stressed out about the entire situation - not only was the project necessary to graduate, but it was your heart and soul for the past year. Now, your professor was basically saying it was "ineligible."

     "Ineligible?" Aaliyah repeated after you, after you told her what your professor had said.

     "Whatever the hell that means," you huffed as you power walked down the street, hand in hand with Aaliyah, your free hand holding a coffee.

     "That's so fucking annoying, holy shit," Aaliyah pressed a hand to her forehead. "He had the whole year to talk to you about changing your topic and...”

     "And he never did," you sighed, frowning. You settled down onto a bench where the two of you sat next to each other, staring out into the busy streets and sipping your iced coffees.

California was a beautiful place, and you were a native, you'd lived there all your life. You knew the ins and outs of your city, knew Southern California like it was your backbone. And you loved it here - loved the sun, the beaches, the way the people were either shady in the best way or incredibly friendly. You'd never really known any other place like you knew this place. You were just glad that if you had to be stressed, you could do so in California.

Aaliyah pouted, feeling for you. She placed her hand on your knee to be comforting,

     "Babe..."

     "It's okay," you sighed. You sucked it up, like always, because you had learned how to fend for yourself ever since you realized that depending on others could only lead to downfall. You would figure this out the same way you figured everything else out... on your own. You figured out your house on your own, your job, your finances.

     "Is it, though?" Aaliyah pursed her lips and squinted at you. Despite how much you tried to fend for yourself, Aaliyah was always there for you. She was one of your biggest supporters.

     "I'll just keep visiting during his office hours and work this out."

Aaliyah rolled her eyes,

     "Men are so annoying, girl. You know what, he probably wants to fuck you. With your fine ass. That's why he's doing all this."

You chuckled, shaking your head and covering your mouth, trilling back in response,

       "Okay girl, don't get too ahead of yourself."

       "I'm serious! Men are evil. Oh, except your fave."

You made a face, nearly choking on your iced coffee. This was news to you,

       "Who are we talking about?"

       "You know," Aaliyah sang slightly, nudging you and leaning against your shoulder. "Mr. Won't Show His Face."

You scoffed, rolling your eyes, but bit down on your straw with a knowing smile, eyes peeking out over the top of your shades. If you were being honest, this idea of Steve, whoever he really was, had been a fun thing to entertain during this period of stress. You'd been talking and engaging with him for two and a half weeks now, and the connection you two had was undeniable.

But you knew better - maybe he wasn't just another customer, because you could really talk to him and felt like he was real - then again, he was strictly a customer. You liked him, a lot, but you couldn't like him any more than you already did. That would be dangerous and silly, and create unrealistic expectations. It wasn't like you could go on dates or anything.

    Still, talking to him (and performing for him) did help to distract you from your stress, at least for a small amount of time. Steve was becoming less shy, less inhibited. He cracked jokes and was starting to keep up with your innate sense of sexuality, starting to navigate you, find you the way a bee might find its nectar, hidden deep inside the curvatures of a flower.

If you were a flower, you'd probably be a sunflower - bright, yellow, almost always in a positive mood, or at least trying to keep yourself in a positive mood. More than that though, sunflowers were tall and looming - you felt like that represented your put togetherness and how hard you worked, how smart you were. Only sometimes it was hard to keep yourself up and tall, but you always did it, time and time again.

But when it came to Aaliyah's comments about Steve, she mostly just made you laugh.

    "Haven't seen him yet, have you?" Aaliyah asked, raising her brows expectantly.

     "No. And I'm fine with that. He's simply another very loyal customer who I happen to like."

     "Hm," Aaliyah hummed, and you could tell her mind was up to something - some very wishful, and mischievous thinking.

     "What are you up to?" you narrowed your eyes at her and glared at her, and she just shook her head with a lazy smile,

     "Nothing. Just thinking that maybe it would be cool if he really was this really hot guy that you actually knew and he wasn't creepy and y'all... you know... started dating. Just to get your mind off a lot of crap. I know, I know, strictly against the rules, blah blah blah. No feelings for customers, it's basic shit. But in a perfect world..."

      "I know," you sighed without thinking, sipping at your drink.

     "You know?" Aaliyah questioned, surprised.

You shrugged,

     "So I've thought about it. Except, you know, in a perfect world, I'd meet a guy like Steve in like, a farmer's market or something. Not on my shady ass cam shows."

Aaliyah snorted laughing, and at the sound of her laughter, you joined in.

You continued,

     "I mean, not Steve exactly, because that would be weird. I just mean, a guy like Steve."

     "You mean a guy who makes you feel the same way he makes you feel," Aaliyah corrected you, and you glared at her again, pushing her gently.

     "Don't push it," you teased, but you meant it - you might have liked Steve, but that was all there was to it - you liked him, he was a distraction. And maybe even that was too much.

✺ ✺ ✺

As for Steve, he thoroughly enjoyed his time with you. He thought constantly about how you made him feel, how much he looked forward to talking to you. How everyday, his worry about your situation becoming more serious dissipated slowly. He could feel himself easing into you, everything that made up this character you created called Moonrose. Conversation seemed casual, like you knew each other in real life, it felt easy, and there was no pressure.

As for your connection, he had finally acknowledged that it was real, and more than either of you had wanted to realize at first. But now, there was no shame, no worry in acknowledging what the two of you had, because you were both smart enough to keep it at this level. It was like a shallow pool. There would be no drowning.

He mostly talked to Bucky about you when it came to the emotional aspect of it. He still feared that if he talked to Tony, it might come across as an issue, and might put a pause on what he had with you. But everyone noticed how different Steve was acting. Even without the phase he had gone through where he was sexually frustrated and angry, he still acted different.

Lighter on his feet, more smiley. And he was always on top of his work. You weren't distracting him from his duty, so that made the fact that he knew you had a unique connection with him more bearable. Because of you, he was learning to worry less. To have a little more fun.

    It was a bright day that week, the sun filtering in through the large windows of the meeting room where everyone was gathered. Steve was engaging in some mindless conversation with Sam and Bucky in which they were debating whether or not pineapple belonged on pizza.

     "No. I'm not sure why everyone keeps trying to put all these twists on pizza. It's pizza," Bucky scoffed, Sam rolling his eyes as a result.

    "You're just closed off. With your old ass," Sam retorted, and Steve made a face. Sam raised his hands up in surrender. "You know what I mean. What about you Steve?"

Honestly, Steve had never even tried pineapple on pizza and he didn't understand why there was such a big fuss about the banal question.

    "I don't really have an opinion," he shrugged, not expecting Sam and Bucky to start clamoring over him and trying to force him to pick a side.

    Before he even got to grasp the situation, he felt Natasha patting his shoulder,

"Hey, mind if I use your laptop? Mine's gone haywire, don't really feel like messing with it right now."

"Yeah," Steve agreed without a second thought, setting his laptop on the table and letting Natasha handle it- she was better with tech stuff than he ever was.

Natasha would use his laptop to showcase some data and start off their morning. It seemed innocent enough —a simple, barely impacting sacrifice. But Steve clearly hadn't thought everything through, because the moment Natasha logged in and hooked up Steve's computer to the holographic projector, more than just data appeared on the screen.

In fact, a whole array of women, all of them engaging in various sexual acts or preparing themselves to, showed up on the screen. And at the top, where the browser was, were the words "girlsonfilm.com."

Steve hadn't noticed all the clamor, too busy thinking (thoughts of you and thoughts of work), until Bucky called it to his attention.

"Steve," he nudged him frantically, his voice a loud whisper.

When Steve looked up at the screen, his face couldn't have gone any redder. He hadn't thought about this at all, and he had clearly forgotten to close out his browser. His heart sunk all the way to his stomach - because it wasn't just Natasha seeing this, it was everybody. And that included Tony, who was glaring pointedly at Steve from the head of the table. Meanwhile, all the others were too busy heckling Natasha and making brash comments about what was appearing onscreen. To Steve's relief, your face didn't show up, but this just might have been worse than only your screen appearing.

     "Woah, Nat, I didn't know you got down like that!" Sam hooted, cupping his mouth with his hands.

Natasha, though she was in shock as well, rolled her eyes,

     "This is Steve's laptop."

Now a hush, then another clamor of confusion and heckling, all directed towards Steve. He couldn't recoil any more, feeling the pangs of embarrassment as his eyes flashed between every one of his teammates. He felt as if there were an asteroid approaching fast, and he was right where it would land, too slow to move out of its way.

     "Steve, what do you know about 'girls on film'?" Sam nearly cackled, reading the name of the site.

Steve sighed deeply, locking eyes with Natasha as he mouthed "turn it off" to her.

     "I am, I am," she ensured him, quickly disconnecting the laptop from the projection, unplugging completely.

A beat passed, everyone staring expectantly at Steve, who was staring down at the table, trying to process his own thoughts. Like for starters, why didn't he log out the last time, and why didn't he remember to log out? And then his mind went to deeper places. He hadn't been intentionally secretive with his actions, but he had been intentionally private. It had to do with his own growth, he was learning how to navigate a world that was new to him and somehow helping him at once. He didn't want to have to share this with everyone, it was nice having this to himself, he had no intentions of revealing what he had been doing in his past time that made him so happy.

One of the reasons he didn't want everyone to know about his situation was because he didn't want to have to be concerned with what everyone else might think. Because to begin with, being on a site for cam shows wasn't exactly everyone's idea of what Captain America might be up to these days.

It was a matter of his image, what values he was supposed to hold. This didn't exactly match, and Steve had just gotten over the idea that he was a bad, sneaky person because of what he chose to indulge in. At least here he knew it was ethical and not causing harm to you as a human being.

He also didn't want to have to deal with the insufferable questioning and teasing his team would put him through, or the judgment he thought they might put him through. He felt embarrassed, exposed, and like he had been ill prepared for a situation like this. He was just grateful they hadn't seen more, because that would've been a disaster. What they had seen was only at the surface level of what he'd been doing.

But his thinking was interrupted by Tony's voice, which broke through all the silence, and made Steve realize again the eyes that were on him.

     "Well, jig's up," Tony sighed, leaning back in his chair. "Care to explain?"

Steve locked eyes with Tony, as if hopeful that he wouldn't have to, but he knew it was best for him to just spit it out. Tony shrugged apologetically, and Steve took in a deep sigh, looking around at everyone at the table.

     "What was that?" Scott whimpered, probably the most distraught by what they had all seen.

Steve nodded solemnly and began to explain himself. He would tell the truth, but that didn't mean he had to tell them everything. You would be left out of this, if anything. He'd just explain to them that sometimes, duty calls - and sometimes, it's not at all work-related.

✺ ✺ ✺

It was just hours before your cam show when another disaster struck, the first one being the fact that your professor was giving you shit about your project. You were in the bathroom, getting ready for your show, fixing your hair up and doing your makeup, laying out an outfit, doing all the things you did to feel pretty before a show.

    Your phone lay beside you on the bathroom table, pinging with messages every now and then. You ignored it, leaning closer into the mirror to get a look at your lipstick, dabbing your fingers into the pigment on your lips.

You smiled, feeling that gratifying sense of achievement. Despite what was going on with your professor, you felt like you were doing well in life. You usually had a positive mindset, enjoyed your work although you sometimes felt as if you were buried deep in all your occupations: student, office worker, cam girl, designer, young woman. Your life was never dull, and you wouldn't trade it for anything. Talking to Steve helped too, but it was more than that.

But that sense of satisfaction all seemed to dissolve when you looked down at your phone, and saw a text from an unsaved number, glaring bright on your glowing lock screen of you hiking with Aaliyah. Still, you recognized it immediately.

xxx-xxx-xxxx

I miss you. Text me back.

✺ ✺ ✺

Steve wasn't exactly keen on joining your live show today, but he did so anyway, because he still had time to himself despite the spiral of events that had happened earlier. There was nothing else to do, and he didn't want to miss out on you after attending almost all of your shows for the past almost three weeks. Didn't want to just leave unexpectedly.

It felt strange that he felt this tug of commitment, but he brushed it off. He was just fulfilling his needs, which should even be expected of him. He was stressed again, after being caught up like he was. And maybe that was all the more reason not to watch your show tonight, but he wouldn't devoid himself of the simple pleasures of life. He'd learned that lesson a while ago, from a special someone called Moonrose.

After everything transpired, he explained himself calmly to his team, slowly to ensure that they'd understand that this wasn't the beginning of a deviant phase, that he wasn't throwing away his work responsibilities to lurk on the NSFW side of the internet. Not that they ever thought that to begin with, they never questioned his abilities or his authority for a minute, not even in the midst of what they'd seen that had shocked them.

This was the product of Steve's own insecurities and his admittedly silly fear that he was somehow letting his team down. He told them that he was on the site, as recommended by Tony, to relieve some "frustration" that he felt he didn't have the time or the means to release in real life. He said that while it had helped him do that, he wasn't throwing away his responsibilities, nor was he dependent on the site or the things on it, or the people on it for that matter.

He knew that if they knew about you, all those private sessions, all those conversations you'd had, the connection you had built between the two of you, it might be a different story. But because they didn't, they appreciated his honesty. They were confused, it didn't seem like the kind of thing Steve would be into, and he ensured them that it was a shock to him as well.

But they didn't mind on the whole, it was just a shock to everyone at first. They didn't think it called for a meeting, thought it was almost humorous how serious Steve was being about such a trivial situation. Wanda had joked about how we've all been there, Thor denied ever having to do such a thing because: "I have all the romantic partners anyone could ask for. I could introduce you Steve, but these Asgardian women are fiery, far beyond anything I believe you could handle." In the end, Steve was relieved, felt like it didn't have the disastrous outcome he'd been expected.

But he could feel his guard slowly coming back up. That was a close call, and it was a little too close for comfort. He didn't want to disregard you, but he couldn't afford to sink further in, and get his team involved. He just didn't want to face the consequences he could imagine if they knew how much he decided to stick with you, how much you talked, how it was teetering off the range of normal customer to cam girl interaction.

It wasn't like he was careless when it came to his interactions with you, but he also didn't want his team to know about his business when it came to you. He didn't want them thinking he was engaging too much, didn't want it to get to the point where he was worrying again or felt like he needed to deny himself such wonderful feelings.

All these things were on his mind while he waited for your live show to start. When it did, and he saw your face, he felt a little bit alleviated. Just for now, he could have this fantasy to himself. If they knew about the site, so be it. At least he had you to himself.

      "Hey guys," you mustered a smile, waving to the camera.

Unbeknownst to your viewers, you had spent the past few hours off camera panicking, on the verge of tears, calling Aaliyah frantically so she could help calm you down. That text from that mysterious unknown number had been from your ex's number. The same ex who made you fall into dependency patterns that you worked so hard to get out of, the one who made you feel like you had to work for his love. Like it wasn't something you deserved, just like anyone else.

You had worked so hard to finally wring out all the effects of him, all the bad habits you had fallen into because of him. That was part of the reason why you worked so hard. Not because you were actively avoiding him specifically, but because you were actively bettering yourself. You weren't looking for a relationship. But you knew that if you were in one now, the same things would never happen to you.

When you got that text, it triggered a flood of memories. Feelings you had to work to suppress and actually get over for months so you wouldn't fall back into the same desperate, needy patterns when it came to your relationships with people. All over a simple text from someone you hadn't heard from in almost a year. It hurt you how easy it was to get you to crack, even if you didn't spill out all the way. But on top of the added stress because of school, you were damn close.

You would do the show tonight, anyway. It helped you to escape, although Moonrose was a part of you, it didn't one hundred translate into real life. So in a way, this helped you escape real life. Just for a while. Just like Steve.

You grinned when you saw concerned comments from your watchers:

johnGuy182

Are you okay, moonrose? You seem a little sad.

zenongirl

Girl r u ok? i missed seeing your face!!!

     "Guys, I'm okay," you grinned. And you actually felt better seeing comments from your supporters. It reminded you to cheer up - they were looking for a good show, not a sob story. You leaned back, revealing your stomach in the sheer, sparkly fringed bra you chose to wear (another piece you had designed by yourself). "It's been a looong day."

Steve watched silently, observing your behavior. He didn't notice drastic changes, but you did appear less chipper. Then again, he brushed it off. He didn't expect you to be smiley all the time, you were human too, and this was your work.

"But I'm okay," you reassured, giving that signature grin, genuine and charming and alluring. You were trying to gently distract yourself, get into your act. "I hope you're all just as lovely as I am. I have a special game for you today."

You directed your viewers to your spinning wheel, which you had been working on crafting that week for a game. You grinned as you spinned it. Each act on the wheel cost a certain amount of tokens, and by the end of the game you would garner a bunch of funds. The show went by relatively quickly as you played the game, eventually ending up completely naked.

As ordered by the spinning wheel, you were to use a vibrator. You held it against your clit at the highest setting as you watched the numbers of viewers and the tokens jump up, Steve watching as he stroked himself leisurely. Your legs shook as you restrained yourself from your orgasm so as to increase the length of your showtime, garner more coins to encourage you to come.

     "Mm," you moaned, massaging the vibrator against your clit, getting wetter and slicker by the minute, sliding the toy between your folds. You laughed, breathless. "Fuck, this thing is so powerful. Someone make me come, please make me come. Just a few more tokens for me to come for you."

Steve was hesitant, but he decided to go ahead and give you the amount of tokens you needed. And when you heard the chime of the tokens being added to your account, and saw the name it was attached to, it was like a blast of euphoria. When your legs started to shake, when you started to moan and your stomach started to rise up and down, it was genuine. It was like you were back in a private room with him, although you weren't.

Your orgasm was blood-curdling in the best way, and you felt like you were releasing part of the stress of the past day, the past week. It didn't get any realer than this, once again you felt like he was really there to satisfy you.

      "Oh!" you exclaimed, your mouth dropping open and your blood flowing, moaning. "Yes, Steve, I'm coming for you. Thank you for making me come, Steve!"

Steve had been stroking himself along with you as he watched, and only let himself come now that you had come, his cheeks heating up as he heard you moan his name, something he hadn't been expected. Something about you saying his name like that where everyone could hear, even though he enjoyed the intimacy of private rooms, felt victorious. It felt lewd, salacious, but he couldn't help but enjoy that aspect of it. He moaned through grit teeth while he came, stroking himself to completion.

You came down, thanking everyone for attending and ending the show. But it wasn't long after that you had requested Steve for a private chat. He accepted, because he had gotten used to you doing this a little more frequently. It didn't scare him any more, he just thought of it as making conversation, taking advantage of this connection you had with each other. So when you requested, who was he to say no.

When the chat log opened, you put on your best happy face for Steve, trying to conceal how fatigued this week, today in particular, had made you. But your tired, bleak voice gave it all away, buried deep beneath your smile,

    "Hey, Steve."

Steve was surprised at the sound of your voice. Again, while he understood that you wouldn't be a happy go lucky fairy like personality all the time, he wasn't expecting this. You were smiling, but the weariness in your eyes was hard to miss. And your voice, which usually told light hearted tales, sounded worn down as if from tragedy. He was concerned, his eyebrows furrowed gently,

     "Hi. How are you?"

     "I'm good!" you exclaimed, trying your hardest to really sound "good."

But you were just tired. Tired and sad, and scared - scared of what the future had to hold. You were already dealing with school stress, and the text from your ex-boyfriend was like a bad omen, an anxiety-provoking assurance that things actually would not get better and they would in fact get progressively worse. You weren't even sure why you thought you should be talking to Steve if you were tired and just wanted to sleep off the weight of the week. It would be a weekend tomorrow, and one of your very rare days off.

Maybe you figured that you wanted to talk to him despite your fatigue, because conversation with Steve was a nice distraction. You had let yourself forget that this was still your job, and that you were too tired for anything sexual — you knew he liked talking to you, but you hadn't put into consideration the fact that he might request a sexual act from you. You would be burnt out if he did. The fact that you didn't think about that should've been telling, but your brain was too scattered to think straight.

Anyway, Steve called your bluff, and laughed quietly, his voice inquiring and pressing,

      "How are you really?"

That was all it took to get a deep sigh to come from out of you, all it took to allow yourself to show your true feelings, at least the surface of them, what you felt comfortable showing a customer. You felt a sense of relief and gratefulness for Steve, like he was letting you breathe. And if anything, he especially wasn't enlisted to listen to your problems. But he wanted to, and for that you felt foolishly grateful.

    Steve noted the deep sigh that came from out of you, and he frowned slightly. He could tell you had been holding this in for a while, and some part of him felt remorse for the fact that even though you clearly weren't in the right mindset, you went on and did your show anyway. He felt some guilt for being a part of the reason why you did your show.

    You answered, allowing your voice to be as honest as possible.

    "Honestly?" you chuckled a little, albeit bitterly. "I don't know if you really want to hear me rant to you."

Steve shook his head.

    "Don't be silly," he grinned. "I wouldn't have asked if I didn't want to."

You felt a warm rush in your chest from the reassurance, and the corner of your lip quirked up in a small smile, before you decided to dive in. You'd spare the emotional details, spare your private life. But it would be nice to talk to someone, just about the general things, right?

    "Well, it's been a pretty stressful week, honestly. I mean, school's been the main source of my stress. My professor's such an asshole, he's basically been telling me my entire senior project, which I need to complete to graduate, needs to be redone? And I can't even fathom how I would have enough time to do that with like, two and a half months left of my senior year. I mean, he said I can keep most details, but I'd have to rework it, whatever that means."

    You kept your emotions at bay, sighing in annoyance just at the story you told, because it really was irritating you. But then you felt deeper things, even more went into why you really were upset.

    Steve nodded, just listening. He was prepared to offer advice, but in your situation, he thought that maybe just letting you rant would be best.

    "That's gotta be annoying," he shook his head understandingly. "Whatever your project is, I'm sure it's wonderful. He shouldn't be forcing you to rework it or make any last minute changes."

    "I know!" you nearly jumped up, feeling amped up now. "And it's just so fucking annoying because I work so hard and I'm really passionate about this project and it just feels like..."

    It felt like you were about to overflow, like a pot of water that had been left on for too long. You were ranting almost uncontrollably now, maybe because of the fact that it was more than this that was tugging at you. Because you'd been carrying the weight of your life on your shoulders all the time, like Atlas carrying the sky, and it felt like that weight was finally starting to mean something.

    Steve could see you were unraveling and he let you, he let you take the time you needed to feel everything you had been holding. If your connection was strong, it was at its strongest here. Sure, you and Steve chatted about a little bit of everything, even had deeper conversations here and there as the weeks went by. But you had yet to genuinely complain to him, because every time you spoke with him, you were happy go lucky Moonrose, with nothing to complain about to begin with. But now, you needed a release by any means, and you were just glad Steve was there for you, even if he wasn't really there. How unlike you to unfold in front of strangers.

   Your breath stuttered as you took in a deep breath in a failed attempt to calm down, only further driving yourself into your rambling. You felt yourself tear up, your voice becoming watery as you continued,

    "It just feels like all my work is turning to shit, and it's so fucking frustrating because I work so hard all the time, I do so much and I manage so much all the time."

     The "hard work" you were talking about wasn't just school and work-related, it pertained to your journey, and how hard you had worked to be a better person. To support yourself. The emotions pent up inside of you, they were more than just being upset over a school project. The idea of someone toxic trying to re-enter your life, someone who had forced you to rework the entirety of your life, made you feel like you were on the verge of crashing. You knew better, but you didn't want to return to those dark days, where the light at the end of the winding tunnel that was your relationship seemed so far away. It was why you were so weary of relationships today. It was crazy how one person could change your life so easily.

     Now you were crying, before you even noticed that you were crying. Tears just seemed to leak out of your eyes, sloshing wet and sudden against your cheeks and underneath your lashes. You wiped them away quickly with the back of your hand, frazzled at the fact that you were crying in front of a customer right now. Steve said he'd listen to you, he didn't say he'd watch you cry and be your therapist. You instantly regretted it, although you couldn't stop yourself, tears threatening to emerge again. If you were cracked before, you were spilling now.

    Steve was surprised too, at the fact that you were crying. You appeared so put together to him, it was almost something he didn't expect from you. He was in shock at first, so much so that professionalism was not on his mind - it was an afterthought. Right now, instead of wondering if this was appropriate, he was occupied with you.

    "I'm sorry," you murmured, but you still hadn't stopped, tears falling out as you blinked. Composure was nothing now, you were sobbing, your shoulders slumped and your head hung as you sniffled. Still you enforced control, wiping away every tear that fell with the back of your hand. "I'm really sorry, I don't mean to cry to you over this, that's so-"

Steve cut you off, shaking his head slowly,

    "It's okay to cry, doll. We all have those days. I know better than anyone that we all have those days."

    You mustered a smile, feeling cared for, feeling accounted for by someone who wasn't even obligated to have to see you like this. Still you shook your head, sniffling,

    "I know. But it's-it's stupid, I shouldn't be crying in front of you."

    "I'm not judging you," Steve said, so nonchalantly and firmly, so genuine that it almost scared you.

You blinked. He should've cared, and he should've judged you. To cry in front of Steve, a customer, was to imply he had some duty to comfort you when he probably just wanted a show. You knew that you didn't have to do anything you didn't want to, but even you had rules when it came to what your customers got to see, and to you, that meant they didn't have to deal with your blues.

     "Really?"

     "Really," he reassured you with a nod.

    Was Steve scared that by giving you this reassurance, this entire situation could become deeper than either of you could handle? Yes. But did he let himself shut down because of those pervasive thoughts that he might get himself into trouble? No. He didn't see you as a liability right now. Right now, even though the situation was certainly questionable (and this was something he had no doubt about. When emotions get into the mix, things could get tricky- he knew this), he saw you as someone who desperately needed someone to talk to. Maybe it wasn't smart of you to make him that someone, but regardless, he was, and who was Steve Rogers not to listen to a person in need?

    You blinked away the last of your tears and swallowed hard. You were making this choice consciously, to tell Steve what had really gotten you to your breaking point. And maybe telling him meant you had trust in him, maybe too much trust for someone who, while great, was still a customer. But you felt like there was nothing you could lose from telling him. Maybe you'd even feel better after the fact.

    You looked down, picking at the body glitter on your arm that you had applied before the show. Your voice was considerably quieter now perhaps because you were looking back on the moment with a clear mind for the first time since it happened. You hadn't been thinking straight ever since you received the text just hours ago. Now your brain was a little quieter with the help of your tears and Steve's reassurance.

       "I think that the stress of this school project is making me resent how hard I work for everything, just to be met with this kind of result, you know? And it's even worse when... things seem to be going backwards. You know, like when you make so much progress, moving on from things that don't serve you, and you've finally done it and you get to flourish in it and then, it just gets taken away from you. Maybe I'm being dramatic, but that's just how this feels."

     Steve nodded, his jaw ticking as he let your words settle in. Somehow, although your situation was so different from his, he felt like your words perfectly described how he felt with the world sometimes. It was even part of the reason he'd held off on talking to you like this, held off on getting too involved. He too had made so much progress in this world, which took so much getting adjusted to in a way that absolutely nobody else could relate to.

    It was a world that he didn't even know, a world that he had never been properly introduced to. He'd had to fend for himself. He did his healing on his own, just like you had. And yet sometimes it felt like he had no control, like the universe was going the opposite way of all his plans. Then he felt stupid for even having plans to begin with, because in life, making plans was like comedy for the gods.

    There was a weird feeling in his chest and stomach, like he'd been stabbed with a gutting realization, and the knife was just turning inside of him, churning his insides. He began to feel a sense of unease, because this deep conversation was beginning to feel incredibly personal. Even though you were talking about your own situation, he couldn't help but think about how much he resonated, and the fact that he felt like he could relate to you on such a deep level scared him. This was more than the conversations you'd had before, more than the simple similarities you and Steve shared. This felt like a conversation that might be too telling for his good and your own.

     He swallowed his words as he listened to you continue. You chose your words carefully, but you had shed yourself of your inhibitions when it came to being truthful.

     "Earlier... I heard from someone I hadn't heard from in a long time. And it kind of pushed me over the edge," out of your mouth stumbled a laugh. You were calmer now, and looked up at the camera, Steve swallowing hard when you did so. It was all so real, just like it was when you touched yourself and moaned Steve's name. "I think it just made me feel all those things I just explained. Because I feel like I worked so hard to rid myself of this person and them trying to come back just feels like all the things I worked so hard on are going to unravel. Even though I know they aren't, it feels like a setback. And that was like, the icing on the cake to this already terrible day, I guess."

      You let out a breathy laugh and smiled gently, shaking your head slowly.

     "I normally wouldn't be telling this to a customer. But here we are. Again, I'm sorry... I feel like I shouldn't have said anything? Should I... have said anything?"

In the brief silence that followed your question,  both you and Steve were thinking the same thing - were you going to regret this? Intimacy both physically and emotionally was good when you capped it at what you both knew to be appropriate. When it came to the physical aspects, you each let your fantasies unwind.

    And on the emotional aspect, though you had both grown closer and more open, some things just didn't get touched upon. But now you had just cried over the screen, and spoke from the depths of your heart. It was scary to open up in such an uncertain situation where your own privacy was an aspect that got involved. There was no doubt that it was too much. It was just a question of whether the result would be negative.

     Steve sighed deeply, a crease forming in his forehead as he furrowed his brows together, folding his arms over his chest.

     "I don't know..." he trailed off, took a breath, a leap, his body practically lurching forward. "But... it can't be a bad thing that you feel comfortable talking to me about this, can it?"

      And there it was, that glint of hope he was trying his hardest to conceal. That feeling he got when he got off that call with you, the one where you both started giving into those unspoken thoughts. That this couldn't be so bad, that you could enjoy each other's company without worrying.  

     You smiled gently,

    "I guess. It does feel weird though, it's not something I normally do. It feels like something I shouldn't be doing."

    You could hear Steve breathing in deeply, and for a moment, you imagined what he might look like, envisioning the outline of a troubled face, eyebrows knit together. You snapped back to reality and made a face, confused by your abrupt thoughts. You had long gotten over the very brief desire to see Steve's face- why was it coming back again?

    "I'll be honest, same here," Steve agreed with your sentiments.

    "Do you always feel like you have to restrain what you say when you talk to people? Or is it just with me?" you added that last part in a quiet voice, biting your lip.

Steve chuckled briefly,

      "Are you asking me if I have trust issues? Because I'd tell you, but I'd have to trust you to do that."

You shook your head and laughed at Steve's stupid joke, and shrugged.

     "I could say the same thing, I think. This person I heard from earlier is... I developed those trust issues because of them. Or, my already existent trust issues became worse. But what's funny about it is that this person was once someone that I loved," even as the words were coming out you questioned why you were letting them, why you were allowing yourself to be so truthful in a situation like this at a time when you were so vulnerable.

      Steve didn't reply, again feeling that sick feeling in his stomach that stemmed from his fear. The fear that this conversation were too serious, fear surrounding the fact that he was able to relate so much to such a personal situation of yours.

    You spoke again, daring to ask the question that felt like a final blow to Steve's stomach,

    "Have you ever been in love, Steve?"

Now Steve knew he was in uncharted territory. Not because he feared you might try to exploit him, but because he was so struck by the fact that he had allowed himself to feel so safe with you and get so close to you. He was surprised at himself for letting you feel safe enough to have these kinds of conversations with him. It all felt like a mistake now. He wanted a way out, any way out. He knew if he even attempted to answer that question, he would be making a big mistake. He had shared some of his most intimate moments with you, but always keeping in mind a very sharp line he didn't want to be crossed.

And in his mind, he thought of the one love he'd had, the one love that hadn't been fulfilled because of the situation he had been thrown into, one he had never signed up for. He thought of how the things he cared most for in life had been discarded, how, like you, he felt like it had gone to shit. How sometimes, though he tried his best to be grateful and had taken that journey of self-healing just like you, it all felt like some sick joke.

Could he even call it love? He wasn't sure. And he wasn't going to answer. He wasn't going to answer at all, because he wouldn't be talking to you again. There would be no chance for this dilemma to resurface, not with you, not on this site. He made the decision with haste and a heavy heart - he was done here.

      The discomfort was well evident in his voice, answering loud and clear, though his voice was morose and a bit closed off. You sensed the shift immediately.

     "I... I can't talk about that right now. Listen, I have to go."

    You felt a pang in your chest at the sudden switch in his demeanor, straightening up and trying not to frown. All this time you had been letting the words spill out, telling yourself not to worry so much, reassuring yourself it was okay to make your feelings known. Now it felt like you should've never said anything at all. You started to stammer.

      "Oh, I- I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry, I was just... I feel like I got a little overwhelmed." You laughed nervously. "I didn't mean to scare you."

Steve felt his throat ran dry as he blinked, feeling emotions come up to surface that he wasn't quite familiar with. Maybe he was grieving in advance, regretting the decision he was making to no longer speak with you, regretting the fact that he was letting fear get in the way of what he wanted so badly to be a good thing.

    "No, I'm sorry. I feel like I let things go too far," Steve apologized, but the apology felt more like an insult.

Was he implying that whatever this was, you couldn't handle it, and that it was his fault for somehow leading you on? You had both made the connection with each other, it was an equal effort. And why was he acting like the two of you communicating at all was somehow below him, somehow a risk? If anything, you were the one risking it just by talking to him the way you did. You were opening up to him. 

     You almost felt betrayed - you had convinced yourself that he wouldn't want to listen to your problems and you told yourself it wasn't his responsibility to listen. And then he listened anyway, told you that he wanted to hear it, and you cried to him. You felt like you had made so many unusual accommodations just for him to scare off like this. He was just another person you had expressed your feelings to, only to regret it in the end.

    "Too far?" you questioned, furrowing your brows.

Steve swallowed. In your voice he could hear a hint of frustration, but even worse- hurt. It pained him more than he cared for you to know.

    "I don't think we should talk anymore," he said instead.

    "What?" you were taken by surprise. "Steve, I'm... I'm not understanding. I... I don't usually open up to people like this, I mean, I thought maybe it was fine here, because I feel like I know you. But you're still a stranger. I understand you're a customer but I thought we were talking, I thought we broke through that wall-"

    "We did. And we shouldn't have," Steve said, his voice so calm and firm that it was almost cold.

    By now you were just staring into the computer camera, as if you were looking at him and waiting for him to come to his senses. But as you did that, you slowly came to your own. Because you weren't looking at him. You were looking at a black screen with his voice behind it. You realized you hadn't known Steve, not enough to talk about these things. And just like him, you too were full of regret. You kept all those walls up for the sake of customer relations, only to put them down and be met with this disastrous result.

    Steve almost couldn't bare to look at your face anymore. You were confused, hurt. He could tell you regretted the fact that you had opened up. He was hurt too, but he wouldn't show it, or let it overcome him to the point where your methods of communication with each other became something neither of you could control. Still, yes, he was hurt.

    But he had been through plenty of hardships in life. What was one more, even if it shouldn't have come to this point anyway?

    "I'm sorry, Moonrose. We can't. Goodbye."

Chat over.

[ayellowcurtain]

Would you mind giving a description of the type of character sander is pls? I can't get a handle on him. At times he was inconsistent in s3(this is partially bc of the writing and partially) bc he was trying to conceal parts of himself from Robbe and exaggerating his personality to impress Robbe. The source material was a huge crutch in parts of this storytelling, then sobbe lost some spark in parts of wtfockdown, fanon help fill the empty spaces and now the transmedia is evolving him too. Help?

I’m gonna try to help you, anon but I guess what I’m gonna say is basically my opinion and so it might differ from what’s canon or what other people think of him and also gonna link you to some prior posts I already made talking a little bit of him: 

- Sander’s similarities with Eliott about how sometimes they struggle to deal with emotions 

- Sander and his parents, his home life and his relationship with them 

- Why was Sander going back and forth with Britt 

Now onto your real answer: 

I think Sander, as a character, is a solid one. He as a human being in some universe is imperfect, has his flaws and maybe his bad judgment at times, of situations and of people. 

Is not because he’s a fictional character that he needs to be perfect, to always say and do the right thing. 

If WTFock did him (and Robbe) dirty was mainly because of their complete lack of understanding of what pacing is. I don’t think season 3 was that badly written. It does has some horrible pacing at times, yes (OHN being on a Monday can only be a joke!!!!). 

I don’t think he was purposefully exaggerating his personality. I’m sure the Sander we now know isn’t exactly as loud and out there as we saw during the supermarket clip, for example. But he was freaking out, and being obnoxious without meaning to.

To me, it felt like was mostly freaking out, not sure what to do with himself because the boy he saw once during a random night was there, all alone with him, accepting to go out to go grocery shopping. 

That’s just an example but it’s the same behavior I see when he says they won after he shot Britt during the paintball scene, when he sings Bowie to Robbe while they see the girls walking away after the Noor x Robbe fight, or when he goes to Robbe’s place the next day and tries to kiss him. All this moments, to me, feel like a boy that doesn’t know what to do with himself, how to behave when he’s around someone he’s falling so deeply and hard for. 

We often see the Evens as these cool creatures, confident, sweet, chill. But we have to remember that’s just the first impression (and from their Isaks’ POV), and after they get to know each other, the Evens are often shy, insecure, kind of lone wolves to some degree. 

So what I thought could be seen as “inconsistent” of Sander was just him probably freaking out he was spending time with Robbe, the boy that the moon was shining on him and that Sander knew was the one. 

That’s why I assume putting “original” characters after two seasons feels a little bit like crutches (with their background stories) because if you think about it, we always know most of the characters in Skam since season 1, so even when they’re not main characters, we got to know them in the background at least, to get some information throughout the other seasons. 

We feel more connected to Robbe (and every Isak), and his background story because we’ve been hearing about it for two seasons. 

We know he has a messy house situation, we know his relationship with Jens is kinda platonic but also very brother like (with slaps, saying rude things to each other, etc), we know some people think he’s gay, we know he’s a caring friend because of the way he was with Jana during her season. All this information we got before his season. So when he was main, there was no need to build background around him because we already had most of these informations before. 

Sander is a complete stranger to us. And WTFock even gave us two episodes of just Robbe, to get to know him even more but also leaving less time for us to connect with Sander. So what we got of him was mostly WITH Robbe and ABOUT his feelings for Robbe. We know where he studies because Noor told this in ONE line.

The fandom often falls deeply in love with Even because of what we see through their lovers eyes and for how soft, caring, and representative he is (with being bipolar and pan) but I feel like we get more of who he is and his background in Sana’s season. We learn more about his past, his friends, his MI, his beliefs or curiosity about faith, etc. 

Even if we barely see him with the balloon squad, watching them we see the type of people Even (or Sander) would like to be surrounded with. 

I know people are not the biggest fans of Sobbe during WTFockdown, but I said this before, and I’ll say it again: I think I love them even more after. Even the cybersex part because I thought it was cute, the way Sander was saying he shouldn’t have pushed Robbe into doing it the past week, or how they look at each other and the things they say and how clearly they’re still trying to find the middle ground both of them are willing to experiment with. 

Anyway, I thought it was cute, and I thought it was necessary, with the conversations about the attack (WTFock made a horrible writing decision not letting this happen during the season, but at least they gave us something), about Robbe’s traumas that are still very much alive, about his mom and how well she’s doing most of the time, how Robbe is still trying to help her in any way he can. And also about boundaries, about Robbe, that same boy that was calling Sander the F word is now so out and proud, asking Milan about cybersex, talking to his friends about it (because he did tell the boys what they did or Aaron wouldn’t be trying to have cybersex with Amber and the boys wouldn’t be taking their clothes off for Sander’s bday). 

I think WTFock would use Sobbe for as much content as they can because they know that’s their golden couple. The Willems have a unique chemistry that’s out of this world, they’re both amazing actors and WTFock knows they’re solid, that the fandom will watch, engage in whatever these characters are involved in and that they boys will deliver every time, no matter how odd the circumstances are. The WTFock team knows they can give these boys a few lines and let they create a scene out of it and it’ll still be good content.  

After this long ass post I’ll have to tell you that Sander is:

Mostly private, reserved, some would say shy but I think he just saves himself the energy and the trouble so he only really engages with who he really wants. In this case, Robbe, and the people that are important to Robbe because, again, Robbe is the most important person. I really think (and hope) that when Sander keeps saying “it’s you and me, always”, he really means it. Like they’re one, a solid team that works so well together to tackle any and everything. 

A natural flirt. I mean, look at him, you know? And he doesn’t even have to try. And when he tries, it’s over for anyone else because he’ll be eating a marshmallow in that way he did with Britt, he’ll be kissing his girl like he wishes he could be kissing Robbe, he’ll be licking your ear, and dragging you out of a bar, purring please say at yours like no fucking other. 

He’s a full on artist. He loves any type of art, he loves talking about art, he loves doing art, painting, drawing, taking pictures, listening to music, thinking about all the intense colors. I’m sure he’s a very visual person in his brain too. If you ask him about how he’s feeling, it’ll be probably easier to draw what he fells than write. 

Again, nobody likes talking about this but Sander is a horny one. And he knows how to tease with the stepping back before Robbe can kiss him, he knows what to say, how to look at you with those shiny lips, wetting his lips with his tongue all the time, asking to have cybersex. And I’m also sure he’s really good at sex and enjoys it so very much. 

When you’re not Robbe, and when you’re not involved with Robbe, when Robbe doesn’t care about you, Sander can be hard like a brick. He’ll scream at you with no shame if you get under his skin because he really doesn’t care. He’s finally fully happy, with the guy he thinks is the one and he doesn’t want to spend a second of his energy with you so he won’t even try. 

I think he has a really small filter from what he thinks and what he says. Like when he says Robbe can bribe the teacher, or when firts with Robbe while Britt is taking a shower, or when he says they need to put some better music instead of making out with his boyfriend during the last episode. 

His “all the way or no way” line is basically words he lives by and he’s also a taurus, like myself, so he really means those words with any aspect of his life. 

He forgave Robbe so easily after the F word scene because 1) he’s a teenagers, he won’t be thinking as hard as the fandom did about it 2) again, it’s Robbe and he can get away with anything because Sander is completely gone for this boy that he won’t be able to stay mad even when he knows he should because he wants to be with Robbe, that’s it.

He and Robbe are very close, not only as boyfriends, I feel like right now, after everything that happened between Robbe and the boys and Sander with Britt (and probably the ballon squad) they’re very picky with trying to start new relationships, and they know they’re solid with each other, they have similar taste and opinions. Robbe softens Sander’s edges a little bit and Sander makes Robbe a little more confident in being himself, picking himself first. 

I hope this very long, ridiculous answer helps you a little bit, anon, don’t mind me getting carried away talking about characters I love :’D

[thegeminisage]

Every time I think about broken road I get a little thrill, I’m so excited!!! I wanted to ask a few lighthearted writery questions— how often do you write? what word processor or site do you use? What font do you write in? For BR specifically, what’s your favorite (or easiest) POV to write in, and what’s the hardest/least fave?

ugh ty for this ask i love being asked stuff 🥺

1. i write every day or i try to write every day - i do most of my writing after midnight because it’s when everyone is asleep, so if i wind up having to go to bed early or if my after-midnight time gets taken up by something else, i usually can’t get any writing in that day, but i like to at least block out my next scene or do a little editing bc like, use it or lose it lol. i was doing pretty good on this project until about the middle of december when the holidays happened and i haven’t quite got back in the swing of it yet (december is my least favorite month and christmas isn’t ever officially over for me until after my mom’s birthday). originally i estimated it would take me 2-4 weeks to finish, and it’s been two and a half months, but the fact is i’ve actually only had 29 days of writing on it and i’m about 75% done, so i only undershot myself a little. 

^ behold the extremely official way i am keeping track of my wordcounts lol. when i sit down to work i can work but like...lately sitting down is the problem. these are not stellar wordcounts as far as my normal productivity level goes. when i really have the time and energy to dedicate to something i’m doing 2k a day minimum.

2 & 3. i’ve been using google docs so long that some of my docs have the “old” note system and are dated to the date when google started keeping track of edit dates, not when they were actually created or uploaded. google docs is my fav because it’s accessible from anywhere and also easy to collaborate in. hanging out in the same doc is how @callowyn and i became friends and wrote @cambionverse together!! there’s not a processing program in the world good enough to make me give up that collaborative element. you haven’t lived until someone is watching you write in real-time. it’s an excellent motivator. the other day @maulthots was hanging out in the broken road doc and i banged out almost 600 words in less than 15 minutes. u just don’t want to be boring when someone is watching you know? gotta type fast.

also, i use 11 calibri font and i keep my margins nonexistently small because i hate scrolling, i want as much on the page as possible.

...and sometimes i keep my page color dark when i have a headache. low contrast lyfe. tbh, i’d use a smaller font if i wasn’t so blind. for the chapter titles and title card - I LOVE DOING TITLE CARDS LIKE THIS it feels so fancy and showlike, i have been told it’s a bit of a Liz Thing specifically to do and yeah it’s in basically everything i have on ao3 - anyway for those obviously i like to pick out a different fancy font, even though no one but me will ever see it. this one is called rock salt, and my hand to god whoever made it ripped off the dean winchester handwriting font i made off of his suicide note back in 2010. they look so similar and “rock salt” is not a coincidence. i’m not mad but like between this and cambion being in a text book book can i get a little CREDIT please?? 

4. it’s only dean and john for broken road (there’s a third surprise pov near the end but i’m not saying who it is), and writing dean is the EASIEST thing in the world. after 327 episodes i’m very very VERY familiar with his voice and his cadence, and i figured out the hack to his dialogue ages back, which is to just write a normal sentence and then swap in as many winchesterisms as possible. dean speaks very casually so it actually works in my favor not to use a lot of fancy flowery poetic language (which i am bad at anyway lol my prose is......not great). w/ dean i can just be quick and plainspoken. me handshake emoji dean being uneducated hicks. 

on the other hand writing john pov is like eating glass, i hate it. i feel like i’m always either making him too sympathetic or not sympathetic enough. dean can be a bit of an unreliable narrator at times but at least i know what he is and isn’t self-aware about. john is 1000 times worse, his self-awareness is SUBZERO, and he’s just a big cryptic mystery, made more difficult by the fact that the writing team changed out so many times and his characterization ultimately wound up full of contradictions (john as described when he’s absent is actually kind of different from the john we see when jdm is actually onscreen). john is necessary for scenes where dean can’t be around, but i’m not happy about it!! ultimately though it was better than trying to balance pov time between a larger cast (there are 6 characters calling the bunker home rn). 

anyway ty for the ask <3 i love talking about what i’m doing, it’s a lot of fun esp when someone actually want to know lol

[letusmeetagain]

Hello Ruri, with a few days until the end of snk, how do you feel? Do you think Isayama of a compelling ending (for you)? Do you have any criticism or something you didnt like about the final arc? Is there a death that you found unnecessary? What are your favorite characters? What couples do you like? (i mean other couples other than eremika)

I think there are several questions, but i like to read your opinions, i feel that you are a voice of reason whitin this chaotic fandom!

I wish you a good day (or night?) i hope this ask makes sense, english is not my language so i used a translator hahaha.

Hi anon!

Thank youuu! Don’t worry! I understood everything perfectly!

I’m... I feel weird. You know I expected the manga to end on January so these last months were... well... I wanted the manga to end soon because I already want part of the fandom to calm down. Once the manga ends, I thought it would bring peace but now I think this is just the beginning.

Now, personally, I feel just a bit sad and very excited.

Regarding the ending... I think that if Isayama goes for a last chapter with the same feeling of ch. 137+71 (bc of Carla’s words to Eren), It will be moving. If it’s compelling or not it depends on how Isayama manages to mantain the inner logic of the story. The meaning of sacrifices, Eren’s lines, Mikasa’s “the world is cruel but beautiful”, the idea that memories are important in order to be free from repeating the same mistakes... you know... what he showed us many times throughout the whole story. It would be a shame that he takes any of them back. And I’m confident he won’t move from those messages.

About the whole final Arc.... SUCH A WASTED POTENTIAL.... You know I’m also fan of Togashi but not because of HxH but a previous manga called Yu Yu Hakusho. It was a weekly manga and lasted 19 vols. The final arc had such an incredible and deep potential and since the mangaka was already tired of the series he rushed it so bad that everything happened off camera. Sad. I feel like Isayama went through the same just it wasn’t so evident as in Yu Yu Hakusho. In Yu Yu Hakusho, Togashi found the identity of this story in the last two arcs. To me it was the beginning actually... where everything could turn deeper and complex... In Isayama’s case, he started with a clear identity for his story. He built his whole world and story repeating over and over again the same topics with side characters just to culminate in the three main characters having to deal with the same struggles previous characters dealt with (often their own mentors f. ex. Levi with Erwin and Mikasa with Eren... With Levi being a mentor for her in regards of the mercy killing).

I argue non stop with a friend who says it’s rushed and nothing makes actual sense. I wonder if it’s needed to show again the same struggles Mikasa is going through when we already saw it with Levi for example. Wouldn’t it be unnecessary if Isayama is deliberately choosing to show us that every character is the same and feels the same? That would be Eren’s concept that every human is the same... So some fans feel like Isayama just ruined Eren’s character because he didn’t develop him properly.. bc he hid his POV, whereas I think he just hid it because he wanted us to find Eren’s feelings and reasons in his previous developments and in other characters. Thinking about the fact that the coordinate and Eldians are there to connect them, I think it’s all an artistic decision... “Go and find Eren’s pieces in every story I told you before”.

On that matter, you see how discardable every side character was. One of Isayama’s flaws is that he uses his characters as blank puppets for the story, once they showed the topic he needed for the macro story, he kills them or “sidelines” them. Hanji as the best example. Since Isayama needed Armin to be the commander and for that he needed Hanji out of the picture, there you have it. I don’t really mind it but for a story that may have fans that like just one character who’s not one of the three main characters it may be discouraging. He is not really good at fanservice inside the canon. Or the way he handled Historia. A lot of fans of her dropped the story because of that. He had no remorses on sacrificing her just to show how every character lost something because of the rumbling. Again, I don’t mind it... I even respect it because he had no scruples to sacrifice a character just for the big concept he had. But I get not every fan is prepared to endure such decision.

On the topic of deaths... if they were necessary or not... For Isayama death is not a big deal. I guess his main concept is that lives are something like a coin you can trade for a change. He chose to make characters immortal through the memories of the living. As I said before, Hanji’s death was rushed and too instrumentalized. If he had displayed everything a little different, it would have been better.

As a side comment... Isayama’s virginal writting way may be a thing if he wants to write more mature content in his next works... --> comment for a friend of mine... he has indeed to improve his kissing scenes so they look more natural.

As favourite characters.... well... I like every character. I got to like every character even if they are evil because they are needed for the story. I like characters that are mistaken too because they portray through those flaws how humans truly are. My first is Levi of course and he will always be. Then EMA and Kenny. I have something for Ackermans as you see. As female character I relate to... Annie. I got to like Erwin and Reiner too. Falco is one of the new characters I like since the beginning.

And couples... all the canon couples. Falbi, Aruannie, Yumihisu. I enjoy how every couple had its own leitmotiv but all of them were in the end about freedom and how love can defy the chains of destiny. (And how Isayama just crushed them all without mercy...again, in order to show that in that cruel world full of wars there’s no way to enjoy love... However... change may come if we are lucky...)

So... That’s it! :)

Thanks for the ask! <3 Have a great day/night!

[flying-elliska]

Seeing that post, I am actually curious, how do you go about writing a fight scene? How difficult is it to visualize everything that is necessary to paint the action effectively?

Anon ! Thank you for this great question which will allow me to procrastinate writing said fight scene for at least five minutes instead of setting my computer on fire :

For me, like most of my writing, it starts with the characters + the emotional dynamic of the scene. What is happening between them ? What emotional process do I want to convey ? And so when I imagine/brainstorm the story in my head, I often have ideas for action that are centered around emotion. It’s a lot like a stage choreography - the beats should illustrate the story.

For instance : the fight between Lucas and Thorston, it’s sort of a theatrical performance ; Lucas wants to prove himself to the Vallès people, so it’s a sort of demonstration. So it’s very staged - one opponent makes a move, then another. A lot of the time when writing action scenes the first thing I have in mind is the dialogue and the character interactions - and the setting that will fit - the rest comes later. It starts with this training sequence where I show that Thorston is a bully asking Eliott to hurt himself. The general concept is that Lucas is a knight ‘jousting for the honor of his ‘lady’ (Eliott) who has been slighted, bc the chapter has these allusions to knighthood. But he’s also an underdog so I wanted his final victory to come as a surprise - so at first it starts like an unequal fight and then Eliott realises Lucas has been hitting all these strategic spots and Thorston crumbles - this is an illustration of ‘brain over brawn’ (also very inspired by the ‘five finger death punch’ in Kill Bill) - Lucas is physically smaller/shorter than most of his opponents and he compensates by being extremely smart and quick . The end goal is a feeling of satisfaction due to this reversal + Lucas proving himself + then Eliott makes his speech which shows he has a ‘hold’ over Lucas + there is this whole thing where Vallès has orchestrated this on purpose to get rid of Thorston for being a nuisance.

The catacomb fight sequence, on the other hand, is very chaotic, it’s in the dark, through Eliott POV and he is terrified, and out of his depth, but at the same, he also trusts Lucas so a lot of that sequence is him trying to figure out where Lucas is and following his guidance. It’s a bit of a trust fall - this whole bit is them really being together outside of the prison for the first time, and the overarching emotional aspect is that, right away, they fall into this sort of ‘battle intimacy’ where they have to immediately trust each other and they find that they actually really work well together. It also being mostly in the dark pushes them to rely on touch and hearing, which adds another interesting layer of closeness. Meanwhile, Nikolai Magnusson, is like this terrifying assassin figure that stalks them in the dark, so there is a very ‘primal fear’ aspect, they’re under the ground surrounded by dead people, I wanted it to have a bit of a horror movie vibe, so there is a moment where Eliott shoots him and thinks he’s down but then surprise, he’s not and he goes for them again and it’s this ‘oh my gooooood the serial killer is actually behind me!!!!’ moment and they run away without really knowing if he is dead or not, which adds to the lingering threat and atmosphere of pressure.

So then when I actually sit down to write, I have this general idea about a vibe and some ‘high moments’ I want to put in ; I know the purpose I want the scene to serve, the starting and end points. Now I need to figure out how to get from A to B to C, which is A LOT HARDER. A few things to consider : the characters’ abilities, the weapons they have at their dispositions, the constraints (are they wounded ? in the dark ? restrained ? are there any rules or is it a free for all ?) the environment (anything dangerous ? they can use ? a time constraint ? a bomb ? somebody to protect ? etc) and again, the character’s psychology and emotions (are they angry ? scared ? determined ? too arrogant ? etc). I basically put myself in the mind of the POV character and imagine what I would think and try to do if I was actually living the scene, focusing on the practical details. I honestly don’t write a lot of intricate fight choreography because this is just not my forte and i don’t really have the knowledge. Mostly I think about what would be cool and how to fit it in, and what the character NEEDS to do

For instance, Eliott doesn’t have a lot of fight experience, so when he actually wins a confrontation, it’s often due to the surprise effect - he has a very fierce streak under pressure - but I can’t put him in drawn out fights (yet). He also has a tendency to be overwhelmed and to get into his own head, which is like, very normal for a person without training. Lucas is different - the dude is supposed to be lethal and a bit of a legend so I have a bit more leeway when it comes to him doing crazy shit that shouldn’t be possible (lol) but again, his MO is to be smart about fights so I have to think ok what funky trick is he going to pull this time. What would make him look the most badass. Really, Lucas is all about the power of surprise, because again, his adversaries almost always underestimate him (or they don’t even see him coming). He’s like a stoat, small and uncommonly vicious. (look up ‘stoat dance of death’ if you don’t know what I mean lol) or like a blackfooted wildcat (which is called ‘adorable remorseless killing machine’ and is the smallest and deadliest wild cat) so it’s a theme that you can be very small and also very ferocious, and yes, i have been on a stupid animal documentary binge lately (animal fight club !! so fcking stupid). anyway, there is often a ‘what the fuck’ moment when he fights and also use of distraction. But it depends on context - again in the aforementioned fight with Thorston he is very elegant and precise because he’s showing off - but he started as a street fighter, ; using everything he has at his disposal, being ressourceful/inventive, ruthless, efficient, etc. Like in krav maga ‘use a pen as a weapon’ etc. He’s also very very attentive to his surroundings, alert to see if there is anything he could use, and he tries to analyse the moves of his opponents. (credit to the 2 krav maga lessons i took in my life lol). And then there is Daphné who we haven’t really seen fight yet, but she’s an acrobat, so that would come into account, etc.

I also have to do a lot of back and forth because what often happens is I get an idea for a solution (really a fight scene is a series of problems to set up and solve) so I have to go back in the story and make sure they have their guns/whatever they need for the scene and that there is proper foreshadowing. It’s often the logistics that drive me a little crazy because I get to a point and I’m like...okay and how would they do the thing I need them to do ? And you always have to have this back and forth between the perspective of your POV character and their enemy because you don’t want either of them to be purely reactive or to act stupid just because it’s easier (i mean, if they’re not supposed to be stupid)

I read this good writing advice idk where that said, basically, in action scenes, the more details you have, the more it feels important. So like, when the characters are just trading blows, it’s ok if you’re not super precise. However when things change - like the balance of power shifts, there is an upset, something that carries character significance, etc - it’s good to be more descriptive  -it’s like the writerly equivalent of slow mo when everybody is holding their breath. I mean, it’s good to have a general idea in your mind of where everybody is and how they react but it’s not like a movie, it’s ok if you don’t have a super precise beat by beat rendering in your head. At the same time, a fight scene is not the time for super introspective character beats, you have to kind of transcribe the fact that everything happens super fast and there is this sense of complete focus on the action and so you don’t want too many distractions where you pause to describe the scenery, etc etc.

So yeah idk I’m still trying to figure it out I guess ^^ because honestly I still feel like action scenes are some of the most difficult things to write, making everything make sense is hard !!!! hope this made some sense tho and was a bit interesting.

ok now i’m back to the story ^^ have a nice day/night anon ! <3