#bc - again - when done well its SO!!! FUCKING!! GOOD!!!
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anyways . silly thing
#gravity falls#stanford pines#stanley pines#lg doodles#animatic#i want it done.get out of here u stupid dog#ITS CHEESY.IM SORRY ! IMSORRY <embarrassed .truly#but i think. a gf revival would not be complete w/o me trying my hand at a shitty animatic. this 1 is for me dwg#as annoying as the whole process was it was kind of fun ngl. . like ive never been good at keeping a consistent style or chara model#and this was rly good practice for that .. i think looking at it now its like. no its crazxy its insane bc i dont ever want to do it again#at least in the immediate future but watching it back im like ok well.icouldve at least done that better. or tried to loosen up my vp and#made it feel less flat . <thats the devil talking & trying to get u back in on it.thats what i mean liike its fun but its evil and tiring#also im so creatively burnt out ik i couldve done so many fun ciphord gore things but i ug a 'shrug' pff 'shrug' i ?. yk#if only i didnt have the disposition to want to finish everything in one sitting. i think thats why i like static illustration#more bc u get more like. topical variety in a shorter amt of time u feel. anyways i remember hearing this song 4 the first time and in#my need to apply everything ever to my hyperfix i was like omg crop circles soo stanford lol. omg a deal he made when he was young.. & no#it doesnt feel so great does it .. (ciphordd)..then the eyes & fate i was alr convinced but when it got 2 the stanley part ab the taking hi#fathers brothers name i was like ok well fuck filbrick 1 . but rewritten for canon events anyways HELLO???????? AND U WILL DIE THE SAMEE?#much cooler version is still stuck in my head but i hope that u can get the same rudimentary vision i have
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i love dead characters. i love characters who were always dead, who die halfway through, who die in the end - characters who die and come back but in a way they're still dead bc their first life died with them & nothing will ever be the same & their coming back is a bandaid over a gaping wound & their own death haunts them-
#characters whose deaths haunts the narrative and the other characters#almost to the point where it feels like theyre still there#characters who continue to haunt everyone even After they come back#CHARACTER DEATH <3#when done Correctly its sooooooo good its literally the best i love it when characters die Well#when you rewatch/reread and Notice that they were doomed from the start. they were always going to die#AGH AGH AGH AGH#im going to be honest my Favorite trope is characters who die and come back#bc - again - when done well its SO!!! FUCKING!! GOOD!!!#maybe they come back the same but no one else is and That changes them too#or they come back Different and it just makes them haunt the narrative / other characters More Intensely#anyway their resurrection just makes it hurt worse bc theyre Back but now everyone knows what its like to live without them#and they will forever be haunted by that Knowing. and understanding that they could lose them again so so easily#the terror! the dread! the persevering grief!! looking at someone wholly alive and seeing a ghost! seeing everything thats Not There!#ohhhh also shoutout to characters who die without Actually dying#they never lose their life but who they are Changes So Suddenly that its like they died. the person they were died#and someone else kept breathing#slamming my face into a waaaaallllllllll#death in fiction death in fiction DEATH IN FICTION!!!!#oh also shoutout to characters who die without dying and then Actually die and both haunt everything#prime example: anakin motherfucking skywalker. KING of haunting the narrative#absolutely unprompted#what has me thinking about this? well im always thinking about it BUT#ahsoka episode 5. my own characters. potentially welcome home (we'll see we'll see...)#character death my beloved <3#there are so many ways to do it and do it Well <3#and it kills me inside that 'killing for shock value' and 'character dies and everyone moves on' are so common#its so lame! and annoying!!! like cmon!!! get a grip!#we need CONSEQUENCES we deserve FORESHADOWING#we need their death to haunt the narrative so hard that rereading/rewatching is one big reminder that They Will Die!!!
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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#remember when i could draw? when i had time to draw and color?#bleh. im just sorta exhausted and dont feel good and starting to get overwhelmed by all that i need to get done#weirdest version of being sick ive had. i dont have a fever but i feel hot and my throat hurts and i have to take deep breaths but not#really coughing so im like??? am i sick???#ugh. i dunno ive been going to sleep at like 9pm and its only 7 and im so tired but i have a paper to read#maybe ill read it in the morning and not do pigment analysis tomorrow... but i wanna see those god damn pigment >:-(#i dunno. im also just kinda frustrated bc im running into things that my mum was in control of the info on#so its like: well i cant access my fasfa account. i dont kno where my vaccine info is. i dont kno if my mum had uterine fibroids before it#all turned to cancer. i dunno. im just tired#also i bitched out on a pap smear bc it hurt too bad. so ive had a day.#but ive got a birth control perception again. i dont wanna take it but like i cant really aford to go out of focus and go out of commission#via pain. so like i guess i gotta. ugh. it better not fuck with my medication#hopefully ill wake up tomorrow and all will be well in the world#unrelated
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bro what the fuck are they doing with my package
#fun story#i ordered 3 things from hot topic. they shipped but never arrived so a couple weeks later i messaged them abt it#and went back and forth with them for a while bc their customer service agents cant read apparently#before being told i had to call bc one of the things i ordered went out of stock and i was replacing it w smth more expensive#so i call and im on the phone for like a fucking hour missing the 15 minute window i have to eat between jobs#and being on the phone at work for a while lmao#i finally get it done and the guy fucking forgets my apartment number in the shipping address. it's in the billing address tho??#so i email them AGAIN and im like yo your man forgot my apartment number. they cancel that order and place another#the effect this has is that the $14 payment for the more expensive item is cancelled as well. bc again they don't read#so im like sick i will effectively get these $60 pants for $15 (im very good at sales and also manipulating customer service)#but apparently when they replaced the order they put ny apartment number not in the address‚ but as part of my name?????#so i think its fucking up usps. but it came in 2 packages and 1 has arrived so i still have hope. but thats not the end#yesterday guess who fuckin calls me. its hot topic. my original order arrived to the fuckin store in my local mall#and theyre like i think we fucked up bc we just found this package but it says you picked up your order already. do u want it#and i was like yes? not really sure what package to be expecting and its my ORIGINAL FUCKING ORDER#so once this package arrives i will have gotten 2 of the same shirt‚ 2 kiki sign things‚ a sweater‚ and a pair of pants for $40#and i figure i can return one of the shirts and one of the signs that i have duplicates of for store credit of their full price#so anyway yeah. thats been the past 3 weeks for me.
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bedtime nowww probably ummm today qas not what i wanted it 2 be but its fine. i dont feel negative just a very very very numb day which is almost worse. but only almost 🙏
#i did get thr laundry done didnt fold it didnt take a shower#so thatll hopefuly be tmrw#i hope im able to do an activity with somebody tmrw.... the kids will be back at school so umm. no risk of weeman asking for my laptop in#the morning. or maybe me n lamp could play aa... idk#i feel like such a loser i go 1 day without bothering my family and im like wahhh im lonely. Can you shut up ..... we r better than this.#but wtvr. thats also a mean thought and i shouldnt be idolizing the way i lived last year. We were taking spongebaths and eating#1 bowl of soup a day crying ourselves to sleep every night and literally going weeks on end wo talking to our loved ones. so why am i like#We need to go back ! well i know why its bc i cant just let myself heal and move on bc of my stupid complex#and tbf i was very efficient back then. i ws able to do my spongebaths at least every 3 days and i did my laundry every week right on#schedule and i had a job....all it took was literally not being a person in any meaningful way FJFNGJGN. idk#it was very simple. its still very simple perhaps simpler (#no job) but instead i just feel guilty i guess. sbt everything#which i ws doing last year but again i was too out of it to rly dwell. i just cried at work a lot abt it#but now its like. i dont have a job to go to to focus on. my interests/hobbies can only distract me for a few days maximum b4 they become#nothing 2 me. and then im just back in limbo again and it feels pointless#and even when its a 'good' phase of something actually keeping me distracted from everything its like. not. all it does is ruin my sleep#schedule again yk. ik im literally the timeloop guy so u think id loveee Everyday being exactly the same over and over and over but well i#dont. bc they arent actually the same day theyre just reminders that everything does keep fucking going but im stuck. which is the opposite#of what i want. and what id have if the beautiful timeloop would simply rescue me. wtvr tho.... she doesnt even know i exist 😥#little joke. IDK. like i said its better ig than having a truly miserable day but. man. i wish everything was better#i ws gonna say like it used to be but. yk. ive been depressed since i was like 7 its not like. idk. i wish i was born different and i wish#my head worked and i wish none of it had evrr happened. but itis ok. i cant think of a funny cutesy alternative to put here so we will just#say nothing. yay
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Om tag ramble
#my hate 4 solomon is festering bc of that post bc its infuriating that#every1 was so scandalized that he was doing shady shit 2 lucifer from before but bc its asmo suddenly its okay#like- he's fine as a character ig but im tired of the hypocrisy in this fandom. if you're gonna b pissed off at him dr*gging lucifer#then be angry at him taking advantage of asmo while he was drunk too. its bullshit#ik hes a fictional character and its not a real issue but come the fuck on#its also bs that suddenly theyre all scary demonic demons who are evil and need to be contained and controlled#bc one second ppl are treating them like just some guy but when they need to make excuses for why bad things happen#to the characters its all 'well they're bad people sometimes and they're strong demons so its okay to treat them like shit'#its not. absolutely fucking not okay.#suddenly they deserve to have their basic rights taken away from them bc they do bad shit sometimes.#idc if theyre not your favorite character or what species they are or if they aren't a good person 24/7 NOONE should get taken advantage of#like- im more angry about the hypocrisy than i am the actual game content now. solomon does shady shit all the time#but when its done 2 golden boy lucifer its a fucking outrage for everyone#but when its asmo hes suddenly this violent hostile murderous creature that should be chained down or tamed#its just fucking UGHHHH#im not putting this in the main tag bc im not gonna have 10 different ppl tell me im fucking stupid for being upset abt this again.#elliot rambles#rant in the tags
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Uni lecture is making me think about my future for a minute and auuuggghhhh the agonies
#personal#taking a brief break from it bc the feeling hasnt quite overwhelmed me yet but i dont think I'm going to be okay by the end of it!#its asking me to consider what my strengths are. what kind of role I'd like to have in the industry when i graduate#these are questions that i SHOULD certainly have answers to but they kind of just make me not wanna be alive yk? bc i have no answers#I'm not really good at much. like the things I'm best at I'm still completely unexceptional#what are my strengths? don't have any. next question#what job do i want to have in the industry? well that requires an answer to the first question doesn't it#not to mention it requires me to think about graduating and having a job and I've simply never imagined myself getting that far#and i can only give this so much of my attention span bc I'm also thinking about how hard i failed my modules from last semester#my best grade this year has been a c#one of them is a marginal fail meaning i do the reassessment this year (i think)#the other is a hard f. what does that mean? do i resit the entire course next year? maybe#and i can't look it up just yet bc i need to make it through the lecture bc I'm really far behind this other module already#and it's only week 3 and i have a presentation tomorrow#and if i stop watching it im not convinced I'll bring myself to start watching again!#so instead i was just sitting here trying not to get overwhelmed by all of the things i should be thinking about!!!#that's why I'm making the post tbh. just to organise my thoughts and get it out of my system and give myself time to breathe#and my phone keeps buzzing while i type and if it does that one more time i will launch us both out of the window I'm so fucking done#semester has barely begun and im so fucking overwhelmed already#I've joked about being the token nt mutual before but honestly the past few years I've just been getting gradually more convinced I'm not#this can't be how everyone else is experiencing life. surely#like dude I'm so out of fucking touch w the concept of being a human#so in summary: augh the agonies
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🦋
#LMAO I FUCKING CANT.#so missionaries came to my doorstep-- which is literally just hilarious. even more hilarious? one of them was from hawaii.#they ask about my religion&i tell them bc i dont see any point not to&the yt man speaking to me tells me#he was a surfer back in the day so--&this is a literal quote-- 'i went to hawaii&heard it all as a haole on the beach'#remember this is literally entirely unprompted from a missionary who knocked on my door in response to my answering a question#about my religion. so why did this come up? probably the same reason that he then went to on to ask me what would happen if HE wanted#to join my religion&when i answer 'you would probably have to handle that yourself as religion is entirely personal'#he literally stands there w no answer before going 'well our church accepts EVERYONE no matter what theyve done'#&--again this is a direct quote-- 'we have ppl who have done blood sacrifices to their ancestors who have found the REAL god' LMAO.#he then started talking about how the neighboring apartment complex has a primarily east european community?#like with actual statistics bc appartently he just knows that the next apartment complex over is 80% yt immigrants?#not entirely sure how they had anything at all to do w anything so thats around when i stopped laughing openly at him#&told him my neighbors were coming up the stairs&i found taking up the entire staircase to be incredibly rude#so they needed to get the fuck out lmao&the missionary from hawaii-- who had said almost nothing the whole time lmao--#wouldnt look me in the eye while telling me thank you for my time probably bc he now had to continue doing missionary work#w a man who spent a solid five minutes trying to prove im racist&exclusionay as a default#literally ONLY bc im hawaiian v traditional about it&proud as FUCK about all those facts#whiiiiich only made him look&sound. fucking TERRIBE lmao.#anyway its good to know that several hundreds of years later&a move away from my colonized home where yt missionaries destroyed my culture#i STILL cant fucking get away from yt missionaries&their ABHORRENT behaviour lmao.#i need to start checking who the fuck is at my door before opening it.#or at the v least start letting roxy just fucking tear ppl like this to shreds like she wants bc their vibes are so rank#my dog can't stand at my side w/o her ridge going so far up she doesnt NEED to growl to get the point across lmao.
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fuck
#like idk i never realized just how bad she hurt me. i didnt even rly realize she hurt me at all#bc there are so so so many ways she sldve reacted so much worse. but like i never thought someone cld just straight up ignore it.#like i get the way i told her was dumb and confusing. ok. i can understand that. whatever#but idk. she said she wished my sister had told her years earlier so that she cldve helped her back then#but then suddenly it's different when it's me. suddenly it's 'but youve always been my little girl' and 'oh i dont know that sounds dangerou#s' and 'are you sure?' and 'how long have you felt like this'#well it's been almost 5 fucking years now and it hasnt changed. i havent changed. fuck#i trusted her. i trusted her to be there for me and to support me and to accept me and she threw it back in my face and never even blinked#i can never ever trust her again and she doesnt care. she doesnt even know bc shes so wrapped up in all the fucking lies she tells herself#fuck. she did everything wrong. fuck. i can never fully trust anyone with this part of me again bc of her#and it's awful bc it's such an important part of me. it brings me so much joy and i think on it often and i love myself for it#but it's just simmering in my chest and every time i think of letting it hit air again i freeze bc i thought it was safe once and it WASNT.#i wanted to get my name changed before high school. i wanted to start the medical process. i wanted all the thing i thought shed do for me.#my wants and my understanding of my identity has changed now but it still hurts.#it hurts so bad to see other ppl my age get all of that and to have the support of their family and to not be afraid to put a name to it all#im happy for them. but it's so awful hearing her point those ppl out w no self awareness like oh thats so good for them isnt that sweet#I AM RIGHT HERE! YOU COULD BE DOING ALL OF THAT! I NEEDED YOU TO BE THAT FOR ME!#and every time she does acknowledge it she gets it completely wrong or it's just to bemoan how little she understands#'oh everyones changing their name now its so confusing' 'im really trying i dont know what else you want from me' NO YOURE NOT! YOURE NOT!#YOUVE NEVER BEEN WILLING TO TRY. NOT FOR ME.#you never fucking loved me you loved the idea of what you thought i would be and you cant fucking let it go even when the truth is staring#you dead in the face. fuck. you complain about how i 'hate you' or 'think youre stupid' well maybw treat me with an ounce of respect and act#like you understand the things youve EXPLICITLY BEEN TOLD. even a little.#but honestly it's too late. if she were to suddenly have a change of heart now i wouldnt give a damn.#the damage is done you dont get to have this part of me and act like youre such a good and supportive mother.#i cant even say i hate her. i love her but shes hurt me more than anyone else ever has and i can never trust her to actually love me or even#fucking see me or support anything about me that actually matters to me#i dont know. i dont know. thinking about it again.#ive thought abt telling my dad. not bc it wld do any good but bc ik he values honesty and maybe hed throw me a 'damn that sucks'#my sister said this is something i have to fight on but she doesnt get it. i have no ground to stand on as far as shes concerned
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this week sucks.
#its so weird like Some things are going well but like tmrws gonna suck. and friday by extension.#then i have saturday to look forward to at least but. so much to remember this week#FUCK and i still have to cancel adobe goddamnit. i shouldve done that earlier. i still could now but. tmrw#technically i have until saturday to cancel but i dont wanna wait until then bc what if they charge me..#and i really dont have 60 us american dollars to give them right now. i barely had $32 when i had student#and they didnt take my student id again im so mad. i should make up a transcript in their own program. fuck you adobe#anyway. this week is weird but good but annoying but weird. at least its not bad#and ive been listening to cds a lot recently so im gonna take a couple when i take my bfs car tmrw so i can continue lol#and not have to listen to his radio. i still have to figure out which button locks his car..#talk tag
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I want a cat. I want 5 cats. they'll help me actually live by being what I need to take care of so I have to take care of myself
#i just want to be less of an emotional and laborious burden on my family. i hate making them take care of me when i fall off on health#idk im sad and hungry#i still think it could be feasible to maybe turn the bedroom into a better use of space and we'd maybe all be able to sleep in it at once#and the whole other side house can belong to them and our side with us#idk. maybe they'd think it's not responsible enough to stuff our shit in one place but like#idk man i just want away from you people I'm tired of your voices I'm tired of your faces I'm tired of having to be around u worry about u#i dont fucking care i just don't ever want to see them again#idk i just hate how more and more i just get an anxiety response to them and it just gets worse over time#like its to the point now where like i dont even want them to talk to my children unsupervised. you dont get to influence them#like they fucking ruined their first and only attempt at having a kid im not fucking letting you do it again i dont trust you to ever#do any errands for me and my kids alone with them. like theyre not talking to them! sorry! you guys had nothing good to say in any emotional#level and anytime you guys have kids over all you do is make fun of them! so! you dont get to talk to my kids ever!#im genuinely so sad that its come to this but also like its not like theyve even done anything for me. its not like they know me#i dont fucking like them either like#i just want to never have to hear or see them ever again they bring me that much distress#i kind of just want to disappear in general because i feel like these thoughts r cruel so i may as well just kms bc im only gonna get worse
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#head instructor to the TAs in the lab section i TA for: how r u guys feeling abt the workload?#me who hasnt graded anything since week 1 and spent an hr that morning filling out a patient safety plan: 🙃#listen. we r experiencing symptoms that make us shitty at our job. which is not helpful for a positive outlook#i was also experiencing horrible cramps at the time bc i lost my ibuprofen and 2 days ago i stopped the birth control in a desperate effort#to stop feeling terrible. but in this moment i feel alright. its wild to go from drastically unhappy to like lol wtf was that? anyway stop#being a bby loser. for no obvious reason. im gonna start the birth control again to see if i get depressed again or if that was just me lol#i dont think my therapist understands the depth of my executive functioning issues tho. bc im a grad student and can meet deadlines. like#let me tell u im a fucking disaster abt starting things. i will go back and forth and get nothing done forever. or i do things halfway and#make everything 30 times more difficult later bc no one else understands how my brain works#ah well. itll b fine. sometimes i just get freaked out that i wanna b better and i dont kno how to do that. so i spiral in despair a lil#ill b fine. im good at catching myself before i get too out of control. annoyingly tho i am not currently beating the bip0lar allagations#bc whatever tf is wrong with me i do probably fit the diagnostic criteria for bip0lar 2. i dont kno y that freaks me out so much. i guess#its bc it feels like something i cant just make better thru force of will and i grew up in a home that was very obsessively#health conscious to the point my dad gets anxious abt taking a single ibuprofen. so like ive been conditioned to get freaked out by#medication. literally my grandma will call me and tell me to b suspicious of doctors and to not take medicine unless absolutely necessary.#like lady u r the genetic reason i have 0cd shut the fuck up. also it feels like something that would more negatively affect how ppl think#of u than saying oh yea i get depressed or i have anxiety. like the connotation feels worse im used to just telling ppl whatever tf#my problem is. so the idea of holding something back feels weird. which annoys me bc i dont think there should b so much of a stigma. its#bullshit. anyway idk. im tired. i was trying to think of a comfort tv show with my therapist and all i could think was the terror#when im depressed i wanna watch those English mother fuckers suffer and die. i just lov that show so much. harry g00dsir my beloved. the#most me coded character to ever exist#unrelated
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Pt 2 (getting into more positives!!)
OKAY! Chatot rant in tags below! Read at your own discretion.
#And one more negative thing to add on bc I lost space in the previous tags.#Are there characters that do so much worse shit to hero and partner? ABSOLUTELYYYYY.#CHATOT WAS FUCKING GENTLE COMPARED TO WHAT ANTAGONISTS/VILLAINS DID.#But the thing is. They’re interesting characters to me. They’re SO WELL WRITTEN. (Not DARKRAI lmao)#When they do horrible shit there’s layers upon layers of context and complexity.#Chatot?? A character who has a stick up his ass but cares secretly. But does some needlessly cruel shit at points#I’d much rather watch a well-written entertaining villain. Than a badly written annoying character.#NOW!!! THAT BEING SAID!!!! THINGS I LIKED!!!#First off Post game and special episode 1 chatot. ARE SO GOOD. THEY WRITE HIM SO WELL.#ESPECIALLY IN THE SPECIAL BIDOOF EPISODE.#SURE HE HAS A STICK UP HIS ASS. BUT HIM SENDING THE WHOLE GUILD TO PROTECT ONE OF HIS GUILD MEMBERS?????? I LOVED THATT.#ITS THE PERFECT BLEND OF ‘KIND-OF STRICT ASSHOLE’ AND ‘SECRETLY CARING SO SO MUCH.’#IF HE WAS LIKE THAT IN MAIN GAME I WOULDVE ADORED CHATOT. NO QUESTION.#And!!! ABOUT THE MONEY IN THE GUILD. THATS NOT HIS FAULT.#The exploration federation is the one taking majority of the money to keep the guild running.#And if that wasn’t enough chatot had to do it alone.#(Something about chapter 10 where the guild was at risk of shutting down)#SO I DONT BLAME HIM WHATSOEVER. IF I SAY I DO ITS MAINLY JOKING ABT HIM BEING A LANDLORD.#That and taking the stress of keeping Wigglytuff calm. Like. I get it. He has so much shit on his plate.#Everything he did might’ve been bc of stress. But the main game did not do a good job of portraying that and writing him well.#With all that considered my viewpoint of him went from ‘I fucking hate you’ to ‘…I get it. But I still don’t like you at all.’#And I think it isn’t that I hate chatot. Bc there’s been a theme to what I’ve been repeatedly saying: bad writing.#Pmd eos is a beautifully written game. Where it’s highs reaches its highs.#But chatot for me was such a low. which is such a shame bc I remember when I did love him.#I found him charming for his slightly asshole persona but still very much caring abt the guild and its members.#but. yeah. I’ve given him some more passes thanks to a certain person.#but he could’ve been better. Ik if I replay the game I’ll start to feel frustrated again.#and I still don’t like him. but kudos to the few that give him a chance and love him regardless. y’all are valid.#anyways. IM DONE RANTING ABOUT FICTIONAL BIRD!!!! YAHOO!!!!!
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#I don't like to consider myself an anxious person because I haven't had like generalized anxiety much in my life or maybe I have n I don't#remeber. forever had social anxiety#but this year I'm so incredibly anxious just doing nothing or anything#about nothing but also about things that trigger my PTSD and OCD#I feel so much more sensitive to becoming that way idk if it's because of my antidepressants or because of how many hours and hours of this#specific abusive relationship media I've watched lmao#I really enjoy it when watching it it's amazingly done and I can't stop thinking about it I'm totally in love with the characters n their#relationships n the story etc but later after it's settled in my brain I'm too anxious to watch it anymore#stupid brain#personal shit#audio#but anyway I was doing just fine ptsd wise and obsessive part of ocd wise but I started thinking about some shit n talked about it in#therapy n thats of course a good thing I don't want to hust bury it but damn bro getting through it sure isn't easy#also stupid brain bc when I'm ''not suffering enough'' I feel like damn I should be suffering more my mental illness is not bad enough#but then when it's worse again its like fuck no lets go back to the not suffering as much#y'know how it is#spotify play killpop by slipknot at a high volume to drown out having shitty feelings but also the song makes me anxious as well because#it's literally about a shitty relationship and reminds me So much about my favorite characters in this media and their relationship#we were meant to be together now die and fucking love me#p***/e***** brainrot FOREVER
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THE WAY U WRITE THE OLD RED DEMON MAN IS JUST SO NEKEKDKEOWB
Might I just add onto the seemingly continuous alastor requests. I'd love to see Alastor x Reader where reader is in heat and Al finds it pathetic but takes pity on them and helps anyway bc like poor thing can't even get their own instincts in control they're obviously hopeless
warnings: 18+!!!NSFW
You thought when you died you would be rid of hormones.
Periods were a pain while living, but this is was worst.
When you were alive, your periods plagued you with mood swings, random cravings, and pain.
Now that you were dead, you didn’t experience the dreadful red flood and raging mood swings; no. Now all you felt was unbelievably horny and needy.
And you hated it.
You usually carried yourself with confidence and elegance.
You usually liked to help around the hotel and were generally friendly with everyone.
You grimaced as you woke up to feel just how drenched your panties were. I really need to stock up on new underwear you thought as you tossed the ruined panties into the hamper.
You usually spent your heats alone and could hide in a hole until you felt normal again. You usually could control yourself well enough til you had enough free time to ease the tension between your legs.
Or until you found a poor sinner.
Weeeeellll that was hard when you lived in a hotel with a ton of shit to do. You really didn’t want to hear Angel’s jabs as you dragged some unfortunate soul to endear your sex rage.
You sighed, hopefully you could get through the next few days without embarrassing yourself completely.
So far so good you thought as you went about your day doing whatever activity Charlie had you do with the group.
Every touch and scent didn’t send your cunt into a tingling frenzy; yes you had to change your panties a few times but nothing crazy.
That was until you were around Alastor.
Your body practically buzzed whenever the tall red demon was in your vicinity.
You first chalked it up to that it was because you did found him attractive and simply thought it would go away.
But your cunt begged a differ.
You squirmed a bit on the couch as Alastor took a seat beside you, clenching your thighs to ease the uncomfortable throbbing.
It didn’t help that he smelled amazing.
Alastor smelled like evergreens how y’all ever smelled Christmas pine??? That shit is delicious!!!!
And you didn’t realized you had took a deep inhale of him until he turned to you
”Is everything alright my dear?” He asked, eyebrows raised.
fuck how were you going to tell him you wanted to bury your nose into his neck and just SNIFF?
“O-oh I’m f-fine…i-its just you smelled nice?” You wanted to facepalm.
He blinked at you before letting out a laugh “OOooh why thank you my dear” that shit eating grin widened, voice dropping a slight octave“I must smell very enticing if you’re sniffing at me” his eyes narrowed slightly.
A shiver ran through your body and you swear you were leaking through onto the couch. You wanted to die of embarrassment.
“I-I just never noticed before that’s all” You said shrugging, trying to ignore the fact that his very voice was affecting you.
Charlie had ended whatever the hell you were doing and you quickly made your way to your room, causing some confusion.
You were usually a social butterfly with the gang. You never not chat away with Angel as he told the wild shit he did on set.
“Has got to be that time of the month” Angel commented as you almost sprinted out the room. Charlie and Vaggie gave confused looks ”what?” He sighed “You know…” nope not a clue.
”She was a human remember? Every so often her pussy basically shreds itself to bits”
Charlie gasped “So she’s hurt? Shouldn’t we do something?” Angel laughed,shaking his head “Nah we can’t help. But she'll be fine. Just give her a few days and she'll be normal again”
Alastor was in the background listening, the smile on his face sharpened, you weren’t hurt or bleeding, but there was definitely something that could be done.
You snarled as your vibrator died and tossed it. You groaned as your clit continued to throb. You had thought four orgasms would have did the trick but nope you still had the irritating itch.
You didn’t own a dildo because it was pointless.
it wasn’t the real thing.
You wanted to cry. This was your first heat while you’ve been at the hotel and you didn’t just want to drag a stranger here.
You had more control than that.
At least that’s what you thought.
You had locked yourself in your room as you tore your room to bits. The walls were shredded, pillows and sheets drenched in slick and your poor toy was in pieces.
Panting, you curled in a corner and tugged at your hair, squeezing your eyes tight as tears began to pool in your eyes.
You hated this.
You hated how it felt like you didn’t even feel like yourself.
Hated that you couldn’t even control your own damn bodily function.
Hated how your body desperately wanted to be filled.
You would give anything to make this horrid feat of yours go away.
“I would have never thought to see you in such a state my dear”
You froze at the voice and jerked your head to the source.
Alastor.
He was standing at the entrance of your bedroom, a smirk on his face as he took in the state of your room.
”I must say, it. Is rather entertaining to see your lack of control” he said as he approached your curled form.
He crouched down, feigning a concerned look before a clawed hand seized your hair and wrenched your face til your noses were bumping against each other.
”did you think I couldn’t smell you?” He growled “You smell just like a bitch in heat”
You whimpered as his lips ghosted over yours “I-I’m sorry”
His scent was surrounding you. It was a drug. Assaulting your every nerve with each breath you took.
He smelled so good
please
”Please” you whispered as your cunt buzzed, tingling from his clos proximity and in hopes he would have mercy on you.
Alastor sucked his teeth at you. What a pitiful thing you were…
With a deep breathe, he stood and walked over to your ruined bed and sat. You watched as he sat his mic down and removed his coat. Yanking at his tie, he unbuttoned his shirt and looked over at you with narrowed eyes “Well? Do you want to continue to ruin your furnishings or do you wish to satisfy that brazen desire of yours?”
He widened his legs and your eyes honed in on how he unbuckled his pants.
Your throat tightened and you found yourself crawling over to him, no regard that you were naked.
Kneeling between his legs, your hands soothed up his thighs as your rubbed your head against his crotch.
Alastor lifted your chin for your eyes to meet his. Your eyes were blown out and you winced as his grip tightened.
”I pity you my dear, reduced to wanton whore, but don’t fret…Ill help you through your heat” a thumb ran over your pouty lip.
Your cunt clenched around nothing at his words.
You damn near drooled as he adjusted himself to pull his cock free from its restraints.
It was big, in both length and girth. It slapped against your face, causing you to hum at the weight of it.
You nuzzled it, nose gliding along his length before softly pressing kissed along it. When you came to his mushroom tip, you didn’t hesitate to suck at it. Alastor sighed as you gave the head of his cock kitten licks.
Head clouded with desire, you slowly bobbed your head along his length, taking him whole as you gagged once you reached the hilt.
You eased him out your throat and with a sickening pop, you admired as his spit-covered cock shined. You opted to jerk him off slowly as you buried your nose in his ball, inhaling his scent.
Alastor’s hand found your hair and guided you away from his cock, bringing you to climb up his body, until your smoldering heat was rubbing against his cock as he pressed kisses to your shoulder and neck. A gasp tore from your throat as he nipped at your jaw.
”On fours my dear”
Clumsily, you scrambled to follow his instruction. You must not have been to his liking because he pressed your head til your cheek was flat to the bed, back in a deep low arch, thighs pressed to your stomach and spreaded wide with your ass and cunt exposed to the air.
You would have blushed in embarrassment if you weren’t so turned on.
A hand glided down your back, causing you to shiver and then jolt as a harsh slap was planted on your ass, before it soothed over the burning cheek.
Alastor kneaded your ass before sliding his fingers down to your cunt.
Your slit was swollen and your clit, puffy with need.
You were dripping.
He dipped a finger inside you, testing how wet you were.
Soppy.
He added a second, your cunt greedily welcomed his fingers with ease, giving into resistance.
He chuckled “What a greedy cunt, sucking in my fingers like a cock”
You whined when he took his fingers out, already missing the feel of something inside you.
Alastor took his cock and rubbed it against your cunt, coating himself in your slick.
”I am going to fuck you to your little sinful heart desires and you are going to be grateful of everything I give you. You are going to take every bit of my cum until it spills from this cunt and then again and again until I have bred you so thoroughly. Do you understand slut?”
You were breathing heavily, trembling in excitement.
With a single, sharp thrust he filled your cunt, earning a soft cry from you.
”Do you understand?”he hissed through clenched teeth.
”Y-Yes A-Alastor”. you whimpered, eyes clenched shut in pleasure.
”Good girl”
He drew back and thrusted into you again
And again
And again
He had set a slow, but rough pace. Thrusting his cock deep into the soft warmth of your cunt with each drag.
Soft moans filled the air as he buried his cock inside you.
It felt so good.
He reached depths your finger couldn’t quite reach.
And it was amazing.
”A-Ala-stor Aah! Aaah! Hah!” You pushed your hips against his, mewling loudly as he grinned his cock into you.
”Youre pathetic ” He laughed, eyes watching his cock disappeared inside you, giving you a hard thrust at his words.
”Nothing but pathetic slut who can’t control their own body”
His grip on your hips pulled you flushed against him, making you take him til his balls was nestled against your slit.
”You probably would have spreaded your legs for any poor sinner, just wanting to be fucked dumb” Your body rippled as his thrusts got harder.
Your cunt only got wetter.
He noticed as he seemed to sink even deeper into you, as if your cunt loosened to welcome him
”oh? I bet you would have liked that wouldn’t you? So out of sorts with need that you would have just anyone bred this cunt”
He growled at the squelching noises from your cunt, you shook your head in denial.
No. No you wouldn’t haven’t done something like that.
”N-no I-I wouldn’t-” You cried out as his finger ghosted over your swollen clit.
”You would have been happy to bend over and offer your cunt to anyone, as long as you had a cock fill you” Alastor continued before a cruel, deep laugh erupted from him
”But instead you sought me out. I had no intention in satisfying you, but what a gentleman would i had been if I ignored a lady in need?” You felt him lean over, hips never missing a beat as he sunk his teeth into your shoulder.
”Oooh how fortunate you are my dear”
You were suddenly flipped onto your back. Hair sprawled around you like a halo, your chest heaving as he pushed your knees to your chin.
Your lidded eyes watching as he slide his cock between your pussy lips, bumping your clit. He grabbed your wrists, using them as leverage as he thrusted back into you, the new angle making your throw your head back with a broken cry
”FuuuuuUccckk Ah Ah AH!” His hips dug into the underside of your ass as he pounded your cunt.
Alastor hadn’t lost composure the entire time he fucked you.
He watched as you fell apart, your hips wiggling to accommodate to his harsh administrations.
Your cunt took him so good. A white, creamy ring formed at his base as he scraped against that sponges nerve inside you.
You welcomed him gratefully. Letting him wrench pleasurable sounds from your pretty lips.
Pushing your raised legs apart, he lowered his weight on you as he slammed his lips on yours, swallowing your moans. Your tongues danced as he rocked into your body.
The sounds of him ruining your cunt pushed him to fulfill your primal desire.
You felt that familiar blaze of heat take over your body as Alastor fucked short rapid thrusts into you.
Every brush of his abdomen against your clit had your cunt going haywire.
You were going to cum.
Alastor was going to make you cum.
You moaned at the thought
You were gonna cum on his cock
And he was gonna breed you
Breed your soppy cunt
and you were going to let him
”please….” You whined into his mouth
Fuck the very thought had your body buzzing.
”please what?” he purred
Your head was reeling, foggy with the need to be filled.
A hand wrapped around your throat, squeezing
“What are you begging me for slut? Hmm?” His strokes were hitting harder and deeper.
”You want me to breed your cunt? You want to me to fill you up so good that all you’ll ever think is how my cum belongs inside you? What do the little slut want?”
Yes you wanted all of it.
You wanted him to fuck you so good, you wouldn’t even think of wanting another cock from his.
You wanted him to fill your cunt to the brim and then fuck it back inside.
You wanted him to breed you like the little slut you were.
To breed you til he had his fill.
Your instincts had practically took over, fuck sanity.
”Mhmm! I want it. I want you to Ah! I want you to fill me with your cum! Please please breed me Alastor” You whined, feeling your belly clench as your orgasm hung over you, promising sweet relief.
The hand around your throat, tightened causing you to gasp as he spoke into your ear, voice deep and purring
”Youre gonna make yourself cum on my cock slut”
your hand flew to your clit to flick fast circles on the bud.
Alastor’s thrusts quickened, growls pouring from his lips
”Who’s a filthy little slut?”
”M-Me”
”Whos a pathetic slut that’s gonna take my cum?”
”Me!”
”Fucking slut gonna let be breed her dumb”
A sob tore from you as your orgasm washed over you, he fucked you as you milked him, hips angled to thrusts so deep you’re sure your cunt had molded into the shape of his cock
”hah hah aaah fuuucckk fuck fuck Al-Alastor!”
You saw white as your mouth opened in a silent scream only for him to swallow the whine in your throat.
”That’s it you pathetic slut take it. Take my cum. That’s a good girl. Let me breed this sweet cunt cher” your hips raised as he sunk into you and with a deep groan, he cummed into your spasming cunt, making sure to thrust deep enough he hit your cervix as he painted your walls white.
Whether conscious or by instinct, you gave him a ditzy smile, eyes glazed over as you slowly rubbed your clit, whimpering. Holding eye contact with him, a soft pout graced your lips
“Again”
You truly were a pathetic, needy little thing.
But don’t worry pretty Doe, Alastor’s going to make sure you
satisfied and stuffed to your heart’s content
It was going to be very interesting for the next 36 hours…
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