#basically: paranoia 100 and ''how do i not fuck this up''

[transingthoseformers]

I verrryyy much wanna hear how u think tfp megan would raise twitch

Depends what route we're going for "terrans in tfp", for as angsty as I go

But I'm going an angsty route here

It will definitely not escape Megatron's notice that she is. Small. Very small. I feel like there will be a serious emphasis on speed and stealth, considering how she's just. Little compared to everyone else. As a general rule I see tfp Megatron as an utter helicopter parent, or a "throw you to the wolves" parent. Very little middle ground on how hands on he is. I'm going with my favored path, the helicopter parent.

He's definitely going to impart as little information as possible, especially regarding the war and Optimus and the autobots. This leads to consequences regarding the terrans having a bond akin to splitspark, if not deeper so. I can see in this 'verse this happening after the Orion Arc, meaning Megs is trying his hardest not to make the same mistakes twice and less likely to give Twitch as much freedom as he did Orion (it eases his paranoia some that she's a new build and not a skilled and experienced archivist)

It's gotta be an interesting connection to see that the terrans survive off of water, rather than energon. That has gotta be such a thing considering how much of the fighting on earth is over energon.

[peachypede]

I will never not be bitter about how Kamado is portrayed as an shitty guy in the fandom and Volo is uwu pretty boy he was just feeling angsty when he tried to destroy the world and kill protagonist with giratina uwu

Rant below

Kamado, yes, made a horrible decision. He had his reasons. He saw his whole village destroyed by pokemon when he was young and never wanted that to happened again, Beni says they watched their family and friends DIE, so he gave in to his paranoia and banished the protagonist. It’s not an excuse, but he has his reasons for doing so.

And what does Kamado do when he realizes he’s wrong? The man get down on his hands and knees and BEGS your forgiveness. He does the Dogeza, the bow in Japanese culture that is the ultimate form of apology and respect to the other person. Kamado eats dirt and is basically saying “I fucked up so bad and I am so very, very, very sorry.” The Dogeza also is performed to show high respect, so Kamado is basically telling you as well that you far surpass his position. Your emperor levels of worthiness and strength. I think the amount of how embarrassing and humble this pose is is lost to people in the Western culture but this is a BIG apology and possibly even the BEST apology Kamado could gives since it’s an apology beyond words. He also apologizes to everyone else, telling them they were right and he was wrong.

"I acted on ill-considered presumptions and drove you from the Galaxy Expedition Team, forcing you to face great hardship alone…”

And you change Kamado. He becomes more willing to delegate and work with other people. He follows your lead. Hell, he has a line after you beat him on Prelude Beach where he basically calls you a god, that’s how much this dude respects you now.

"Perhaps you are a divine being yourself, sent to bring us gifts from above…”

The guy takes no credit for the victory on mount coronet, he says it’s all you!

"I know I've no right to say this... But we are truly fortunate to have been able to count you among the Survey Corps' ranks. If you had not joined us, we would have fallen on Mount Coronet. We would have lost our home. We would have lost our future."

He is a truly changed man in the end.

"I used to think that Pokémon were terrifying creatures. You've helped me see otherwise."

Volo on the other hand? Tricks you, betrays you, and then tries to KILL YOU. Kamado was always upfront from the beginning that he didn’t trust you, but Volo? He’s buddy-buddy with you to take advantage of you.

And he’s the reason why this all happened! He created the rift, displaced pokemon and hell some people since Ingo obviously fell in through this rift too (People blame Arceus for this :/ ) and nearly killed everyone in Hisui with rampaging nobles and origin forme Dialga or Palkia.

And in the end, Volo doesn’t apologize at all. The dude doesn’t even change.

"Someday, I'll solve every riddle in the legends of Hisui's Pokémon. And on that day, I'll stand before Arceus at last—No, I will CONQUER it! No matter how many years, how many decades, how many centuries it takes me!"

I’m just fully convinced at this point that it 100% has to do with Volo being pretty and Kamado not being that attractive.

My hot take of the new year: Kamado is WAY better husband material than Volo could ever be.

Anyway my rant is over…no hate on Volo lovers, I do think he’s a fun character to rotate like a chicken on a spit in your brain but this has been my biggest grievance in the PLA fandom.

[cool-person-yey]

ok but what are the puter voices trying to say????

or: my theory on what the fuck Chester&Norris have going on

so first of all, the voices are trying to communicate with the OIAR through reading the incidents, that's something that basically everyone has noticed, now here's the thing: what are they trying to say?

we only got one Augustus case ( at the moment I'm writing this) so I'm gonna leave him out of this.

anyways, now to the good part, first off let's start with our favorite whiny little toad:

Norris

Norris speaks in episodes 1, 3, 8 and 12

my theory is that Norris is trying to warn them of the consequences their actions (and choices because this is the "at the end of the day, you just need to make a choice" podcast) could have.

in episode 1, this one's a bit obvious, but it shows the consequences ( only " some parts" of their loved one coming back) of them trying to get the person they loved back.

in episode 3, it shows the consequences ( the guy turning into a fucking tree) of the ' statement giver' ( can't think of a better name sorry) killing his ex.

in episode 8, this one I'm not 100% sure tbh, like yeah the consequence is the guy getting a part of their body eaten, but the cause I'm not so sure. maybe the fact they accepted to go in the building ( even if they didn't understand why they did it. something something even if the choices are shitty you still made a choice), or maybe something relating to the ex-wife they mentioned earlier in the incident? that'd be a bit of a far reach, but I'm not discarding anything. It could also be just the fact that they applied and got hired for the job.

in episode 12, the consequences ( whatever the fuck that was. I'm still not over that) of Gwen giving Mr Bonzo that envelope. do i even need to say anything else?

now, to our beloved Archivist Spooky Computer Voice!

Chester

Chester speaks in episodes 1, 5, 7, 9 and 11

my theory is that Chester is trying to warn them to not fucking mess with that type of stuff, and if you're going to, fucking be ready

in episode 1, this one's a bit obvious, RedCanary choosing to explore the magnus Institute, and that resulting in... well, we still don't know yet it but it sure as hell didn't go well. that was a very clear " do not go to the fucking magnus institute manchester" and what did they do? go to the fucking magnus institute manchester

in episode 5 a warning about being desensitized to horror, the characters ( especially Alice) have mentioned dozens of times how they just don't get scared that much anymore, that episode was showing that that isn't always a good thing. also the more obvious don't trust spooky shit but eh

episode 7 it's a bit tricky, I'd say it's a warning to either a) hiring new people (aka Celia? maybe Chester doesn't trust her? idk) or b) trusting people, just like, in general?

episode 9, a warning about making choices, and how ppl are gonna make shitty choices bc they're in shitty situations— but hey, at the end of the day, you still made a choice. or simply about Spooky Artefacts™

episode 11 this one seemed to be very much targeted at Alice, and it seems to be warning her about the paranoia that a paranormal experience can give you. And considering Alice's earlier comment about being followed, I'd say the tattoo being the boat bring hunted by something is definitely something to consider.

but well, this is just a theory, a magnus protocol theory.

seriously tho, i love this initial point of every series cuz i can just make up a lot of connections that in the future prob won't make sense but like, we don't have shit so might as well make up our own lmao.

that being said, maybe i got a few things right! only time will tell. my goal is to say as much random theories as i can until i get atleast one (1) thing right.

thanks for reading all of this, and if you have any addition that you'd like to make feel free!

[i-am-focused]

KÖNIG (NSFW Alphabet)

A/N: aaaaa sorry I've been gone for so long this was not intended!! I've just been busy and I'm starting a new job soon. I'll be posting some more stuff soon as I get my thoughts out onto paper, expect some soapghost.

Warning: this should be obvious from the title but 18+ ONLY. This is literally just a guideline for the smut I will be writing about him. NOT PROOFREAD (i wrote this at midnight).

ANYWAY, here we go.

Enjoy :)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

He loves it. He is very large (in all ways) and he worries about hurting you so he will thank you and praise you for taking him well and making him happy. He will also probably apologize instinctually because of his paranoia about hurting you. 

B = Body part (Their favorite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

He’s struggled a lot with insecurities about his own body but he really likes his back and he especially likes feeling you claw at it or leave marks on it in general. He is 100% a thigh man. He loves people who have a bit of meat on their bones and would absolutely love being suffocated between someone's thighs while he’s eating them out. 

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)

He can cum multiple times, and often does, and he loves to eat you out after he has come in you because he likes to taste your release mixing with his. 

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

He wants you to hold a gun to his head while you make him do things to himself and to you. He has grown accustomed to the threat of death and as much as it is anxiety inducing he also does his best work under pressure, and he thinks you would look really hot holding any of his weapons. 

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they��re doing?)

Honestly, he gets no bitches. I mean bitches want him, but he is scared of bitches. Essentially in order to get him to engage with you you have to slam him into a wall and make him look into your eyes. He is socially anxious and oblivious (and realistically he’s probably a virgin or close to that, but for the sake of this alphabet we’re ignoring that).

F = Favorite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual)

He loves it when you’re on top in any way shape or form. He likes to look up at you, it is the only time he feels small and it really turns him on when someone else is in power. He loves it when you’re riding him, especially if he’s tied up and cannot do anything to stop you. Most of the time he is more submissive, but on the rare occasion he takes control, I’d say he would like to have you against the wall. No reasoning really, just vibes. 

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

I wouldn’t say serious, it’s more that he is so bewildered at what is happening he can’t even form the thought of a joke in his mind. He is just so fucked out of his mind that he cannot think of anything funny or even laugh at what is happening to him. 

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

He is somewhat well groomed just for his own comfort but he is not shaved, it's maintained short but he has a significant happy trail. The carpets do match the drapes and the drapes are dark brown. 

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…) 

He struggles to get into the rhythm of intimacy but once he's in, he really desperately wants to please you and so he takes very good care of you and will do anything you ask him and more to make you happy. He is also in love with you the second you don't hate him so he will be anxious but he will kiss you until he forgets how to speak. 

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon) 

He is VERY loud. This means that he often can’t find time or place to do this while he is working or on a mission (not that he would be that irresponsible anyway…) this means that when he comes back he is pent up. Before he met you he would just take the whole next day to spend purely getting off, thinking of every possible way to make himself cum. Sort of a reward for still being alive. Now that you’re here he doesn't do that as much anymore but he loves to jerk off under your instruction, while you’re watching, while he's watching you, etc.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

He loves to be edged and then overstimulated beyond belief. He just wants to be tortured. He likes things to start off fast, then he gets edged, and by the end doesn’t even want to be able to form the words “Please stop”. On the rare occasion that he is more dominant he loves to do no penetration at all (dry humping) or clothed sex. It’s partially out of habit because usually when he gets out of a mission he doesn't even take the time to take off his clothes before he’s all over you. 

L = Location (Favorite places to do the do)

Secluded locations are his preference because he is extremely anxious but if it is a secluded enough location in public he might be cool with it, or as cool as he can be with you. He would never initiate in public but he also finds it extremely difficult to turn you down. 

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

He is an absolute fiend for degradation/praise. He loves backhanded compliments like “You're so good for me, it's pathetic.” It’s what he thinks about when he gets himself off. But nearly anything you say can turn him on if it is in the right tone (and if he picks up on it) he also likes it anytime you take control. 

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

He would NEVER hit you. He would also never do knife play/blood play with you unless he was the one it was used on. He does not want to cause you any harm and he would be sick to his stomach if you asked him to hit you for fun and he went too far. He is extremely afraid of his own strength, it is not because he thinks you’re weak. 

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

This guy will whimper like a mother fucker the second you take him in your mouth. If you ever did cockwarming he wouldn’t last. He absolutely loves it when you take him down your throat and toy with his cock but he loves it equally when you pull his hair and tell him how good he’s being while he eats you out. He loves both and he couldn’t live with one without the other, he's also very good but he will get you absolutely drenched with his mouth so if you don’t like it wet, he’s not for you. 

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.) 

It really depends on the situation. Most of his kinks and turn ons involve foreplay and after-orgasm activity so he likes to get through it fast and rough sometimes to get to the fun part (even that takes time though because foreplay is essential with his size). However… he loves to take it slow, drawing it out is also one of his favorite things to do, or for you to do to him, and he cannot get enough of it. 

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

Extremely rare and he isn't a huge fan. If he's on top it's possible because usually that's when he is full of heated emotions, but he doesn’t enjoy it as much when he’s fast and neither of you are able to get worked up fully. Intimacy is already difficult for him so he likely shies away from this. 

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

He is willing to try just about anything you want to do to him, as long as he's in the comfort of his own home or another safe location where he feels comfortable. He can be a little hesitant to try things on you because he’s already afraid of hurting you but he loves it when you experiment on him. 

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

As long as you want. Simple as that. He loves to be overstimulated so he will stick around as long as you want. He lasts longer the more often he fucks you, so first day back from a mission might be 10 minutes or less before his first orgasm, but on a normal day without any extenuating circumstances he can probably last a long time. Especially if you ask him to. 

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

He has a bullet vibrator actually, he uses it to edge himself and he usually like to hold it against the bottom of his tip until his cock turns purple from the stimulation (seriously he loves overstim) he has used this on a couple of partners but most of the time he just likes it when they use it on him. Also has a cockring to help him draw things out longer. 

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

He doesn’t tease at all usually, he wants you too bad. But he loves it when you tease him. The only time he does tease you is when you give him a big enough ego boost that he takes over the power position. 

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

He is loud as fuck. He has been gagged by a partner before and sometimes gags himself to make himself keep it down. He whimpers, moans, groans, grunts, everything. He also begs a lot, pleading in both English and German. He cannot shut the fuck up, he breathes heavy too, he cannot be quiet, unless gagged or you choke him and he can’t breath. 

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

His eyes roll back when he cums. His orgasms in general are somewhat dramatic, there's always him rolling his eyes back, gripping you, thrusting into the air or you etc. but his facial expression is memorable and desperate. 

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words) 

He is long. Girthy for any normal cock but on him it doesn’t look like hes super thick relative to his length. He could hit you in spots you couldn’t reach- and he will. Though it is still very visible even with pants and clothes on, he is a grower. 

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

He kind of kills his sex drive purposefully after that first day back from a mission, but he will fuck whenever you want, he just won’t ask you to. But he does jerk off (or at least just cum in general) daily. 

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards) 

He passes the fuck out, he does aftercare but then immediately passes out, often on top of you which can be very inconvenient because of his size, but you dont mind it. All of the overstimulation and edging takes a lot out of him and it's really hard for him to not fall asleep after he comes down from his high, especially when he has a nice pillow like your thighs to sleep on.

[imlivinginyourtrashcan]

Hi hello and howdy

Since I can't contain my thoughts here's all the "Mirage" logicistics. Basically they either swap or enhance ones personality, heres a few examples:

Mirage Lenore is way more looney and impulsive, with a practically nonexistant off switch having to be dragged off screaming before she sets anything on fire, her group mainly sticks with her for fear of their own lives and she and Annabel are ALLOWED TO BE GAY!!! HOORAY!!! They still have the pretend to hate each other thing but thats mainly due to Annabel's paranoia

Mirage Duke is a shit magician who constantly looses parts of his tricks, he's also like WAYYY too overdramatic, the kinda mf to fall over if you steal his chip,

"MY CHIP!!"

"Its... its just a crisp.."

"I WAS GOING TO EAT THAT!"

"Oh my god..."

So yeah, pathetic cringefail looser LMFAO, but he is the kinda person to pull a "OMG MY BEST FRIEND! MOVE!" And shove whoever out of his way

Mirage Pluto is if you took a wet cat and made him a golden retriever. He's very hyperactive, social, easily distracted. Mf is like "wanna hear abt my hyperfixations?!" Talks and doesn't wait for an answer a neat thing i did with some characters Mirage's is i inverted stuff abt them like hair, emblems, all that. He still thinks M! Duke's magic is cool

Mirage Berenice is a feral little creature, constantly biting or nibbling on things (mainly Eulalies arm, or her own. I dont think chewlery exists in the victorian era). She's also the queen of being unhinged, in spectre form shes somewhat normal at least. For the most part she's in her own world

Mirage Eulalie is the mean autistic, less into creepy/old things n thinks their lame and/or weird. She's the one dragging Berenice around and keeping the gang from falling apart. Her and M! Morella really out here sharing the only group braincell, shes also blunt as fuck and wont hesitate to tell you you look bad. I wanted to lean more into the japanese part of her character so she just kinda- speaks more of it now (lol idk how else to explain it)

Mirage Morella, like M! Eulalie, is a mean autistic. She's less emotional, and more of "I dont give a damn just get me out of here.", sticks with whatever group she's feelin that day tbh. Won't tell you you look bad, will probably just call you a dumbass and leave

Mirage Annabel is kinda like regular Annabel but without the "Life is like chess" mentality. So more jumpy, kinda a walking talking mental breakdown waiting to happen. Excess paranoia and increase of hallucinations cus pookie and I decided we aren't giving her a break

Mirage Prospero is no longer fancy and polite, he is sopping wet germaphobic wet cat. He will go through great lengths to avoid disease, faints around blood and puke, screams at the sight of his own rats (or just rats/bugs in general), actively raising his and Annabel's blood pressure with how scardy he is.

Mirage Montresor is imo the funniest one cuz he's just a polite little gentleman, doin all the chivalry shit like opening doors, pushing chairs in and out, saying his pleases/thank yous/welcomes, he's even calling everyone "Sir" and "Ma'am". He's still an asshole, but you really gotta provoke him to see that

Tbh, I didn't think much abt Mirage Will since Will to me is kinda just there as Monty's lackey who gets kicked around. SO he's less of a pushover, more demanding, up and refuses what people tell him, bullies M! Monty, he tried bullying M! Ada and M! Morella but bro got his ass kicked. On top of it, he's unfortunately more sexist and stubborn. No more people pleasing ig 🤷‍♀️

Finally, Mirage Ada. What I wanted to do for her is have her be an absolute girlboss who is always serving 100% of the time. Everything she does is her choice and for her and her friends, and and and shes Aroace too, pretty chill when she has to reject someone just like:

"Hey i like u"

"Oh! I don't feel the same but we can still be friends?"

"Ok"

EPIC HIGH FIVE

She also beat M! Will up, good for her

So uh, yeah! Thats all i got. If you have questions, feel free to comment or ask in the askbox. :)

[void-occupation]

Don't mind me, just gotta put a little theory about gravity falls out into the world now that it's been revived

WARNING: minor Book of Bill spoilers

So in the BoB and the 3rd journal, Ford mentions that he needs to destroy the journals, but turns back on it because of "the importance of his research". However, he could have just torn out the pages about summoning Bill and the portal and burned those, and the rest of his research would have been safe

So why didn't he?

You could argue that it was because he couldn't reason through his growing paranoia and admittedly delusional state, and that is valid considering everything Bill was putting him through at that point - but it also would have been one of the first things to cross his mind, right??? He'd already said that he was planning to dismantle the portal, but was putting it off for some reason - again, something that didn't make any sense considering how terrified he was that Bill would be able to start it up again.

In the BoB, it talks about how Bill tormented Ford to try to get him to open the portal again - physical, psychological, and emotional torture on top of very real threats and gaslighting. There was also a point where Bill showed Ford that he could take full control of Ford's brain, turning off memories (such as his own name) at will, and Ford would be completely unable to tell that the memories were gone until Bill brought it up

So, here's my theory: Bill knew that Ford was planning to burn the journals/the pages about the portal, which were his only chance to enter the third dimension. He couldn't let that happen, so he fucked around in Ford's head - planted a few ideas, erased a plan or two, and suddenly, Ford was much more concerned about his research surviving than he was a couple hours ago. Concerned to the point that he wanted to hide his journals rather than destroy them. Basically, Ford being so protective of his research was due to more of Bill's manipulations in his mind that he never found out about. It's the only reason I could think of about why he went from 100% ready to burn the journals to being willing to physically attack Stan for trying to do just that

Anyways, that's all, figured I should get my theory out in the world now that canon actually backs it up a bit more than before BoB came out

[i-mean-technically]

#some of these words are just so???#''still believes in the system even after getting fucked with no lube by it'' is 100% a metal as hell line#tfa#maccadam#also your tags???#tfa megop is so hilarious when done right#And Optimus manages to beat his aft Several times even if he's just ''maintenance prime''#that's more times than fucking Sentinel has won against a Decepticon#Tfp au Optimus is honestly based a bit on tfa Optimus because i say so#and another fucked up bit is how fast things went downhill after Sentinel became magnus#that boy went full 100 with his paranoia

@transingthoseformers making another post bc i'm about to rant

first of all i'm gald you find my phrasing humorous XDDD life's too short not to enjoy it and since i wouldn't make it in prison unique phrasing will have to do lmao

and TFA megop!!!!! i think it has some of the most written for it but most of it is Not for me ya know? no shade, but Optimus is almost always made into some uwu baby when he's a GREMLIN and would sell Megatron's soul for one corn chip. (also Primus and Unicron apparently don't exist in TFA which has me 👀👀👀 bc that has some interesting connotations)

Optimus manages to make peace with an alien race, keep the Allspark out of Decepticon hands, regularly kicks their asses, while also basically raising an alien child that he got surprise custody of. and that's just season 1. Sentinel had his paranoia fanned and abused by Ultra Magnus, given power he wasn't ready for, and possibly also mind fucked to make him more compliant, bc it was Sentinel's idea to go down on Arachna 9.

both Optimus and Sentinel questioned things, and once Optimus was cut at the knees and thought to be neutered they turned their sights on Sentinel and made him into exactly what they wanted.

then he got a position that he never should have in the first place. bc his paranoia is so severe, imo, he shouldn't be in a position of power like that. he would be GREAT in an advisory setting tho.

and things shouldn't have gone to shit so fast when Sentinel became Magnus unless it was already that bad and his incompetence just brought the curtain down.

[letmywingsdown]

Previous anon, because i’m not confident enough for DMs:

The thing is today I was arguing with my boyfriend. I’ll admit it was my fault because I initiated it for some very irrelevant dumb shit because I’ve been in a horrible mood lately. I knew I had to apologise once he began explaining to me how shitty it was, and I was about to but I couldn’t bring myself to actually say the words because I have a huge ego problem. So he smacked the left side of my face, my left cheek, because I just would remain stubborn and bitchy and not looking his way when he talked. It wasn’t harsh or violent and it didn’t hurt; just the wrist and upper side of the hand, quite quickly like when you have to tell off a kid. But it really caught me off guard and I stood there frozen. It feels like a boundary violation and when I brought up the subject to my mom (w/o saying it happened to me), she agreed. My bf started apologising right once I said how fucked up it was and I think it’s a genuine apology, but what am I supposed to do? I was getting on his nerves basically on purpose, and now I want to pretend I am the victim of the situation? But I was seriously just about to tell him I regretted making a fight up from thin air.. and stuff like that has happened twice before, once in my shoulder, the other one on my scalp. He continues apologising and I really want to forgive him because he is a lovely guy and the best thing that has ever happened to me, but how am I supposed to call myself a feminist and stuff when I am compliant once my boyfriend “beats” me? My father told me only the other day that women who stay in abusive relationships while knowing about the red flags are stupid. I disagree with him, but am I stupid? Or am I just thinking about this too much? I have childhood trauma, physical too, and I am unsure if I am overreacting because of being triggered rather than because it was objectively wrong to hit me.

He seriously is a very nice guy and I have never felt as loved and I know his love is genuine, but this has left me unsettled and, as I said, it is not the first time. Even those two aforementioned events aside, there have been very off putting things in our relationship, like him watching porn and being into cnc (we never acted on them, just dirty talk); though I think the latter might have been my fault because I was the one mainly in it (again, trauma). This was years ago and our sexual life is very healthy now, and I know for a fact he despises porn as much as I do. So what should I do? He is the only person I have left because I am a lonely loser and our connection is so sincere but at the same time I don’t feel ensured that he would never ever harm me. Is it my trauma induced paranoia, or my intuition?

Sorry for this. Thank you.

Having a bad day and starting a stupid argument is no excuse for him putting his hands on you. Doesn’t matter how mild it was; he has shown that he is willing to resort to physical violence against you, and it is absolutely 100% in your best interest to leave him as soon as you can.

You are not being paranoid at all. You are rightfully afraid of your boyfriend who has slowly begun to show you his abusive side, and it is likely that it will only worsen as you adjust to it and make excuses for him. I absolutely understand your fears, and I don’t think you’re stupid at all, but I think everyone will agree that it is objectively better to be lonely for a little while than to continue a relationship with a man who attempts to physically discipline you.

(To be completely honest, I am a 19 year old with very little experience with relationships and abuse, and I’ve had a hard time figuring out how to answer this; I would REALLY appreciate if older and wiser women would add on to give anon better advice)

[lvxybby]

Our Messiah, Kai anderson x reader

3RD POV: you had recently given birth to your 2 week old baby girl, Jade. you were resting your eyes as your sleeping daughter was held in your arms. you tried so hard to sleep but it was either jade crying or paranoia keeping you awake. you heard the door open and voices fill the room before a loud shush quieted them. kai and everyone else stood before you, watching you hold your daughter. "you're dismissed" kai spoke in his regular plain voice. everyone exited the room except him. "hey" kai whispered as he approached the couch. you hummed as you held jade closer to your body. he knelt down and pet your head. he knows your completely drained from your mother duties. he honestly felt a bit of sorrow for you since you weren't sleeping at all anymore. it was really concerning to him. you and his daughter were his pride and joy. he would do anything to ensure your safety. "hey sweetheart" kai said focusing his attention to his sleeping daughter. he placed a small kiss on her forehead. "kai...?" you asked peeking open your eyes. "yeah?" he responded "is jade ok? is she still asleep?" you said with your eyes closed. "yeah...dont worry about her..." kai said with a smile. "how long are you going to keep doing this..." you said cuddling jade closer to you "what? keep doing what" kai asked. "y'know...the cult shit...im tired of constantly being put in danger" you said peeking open your eyes. "im doing this to keep you safe...to help us...are you not grateful for the work im putting in for you? the work im putting in to keep my family safe? the SHIT i do to make you happy!? HUH" he shouted. "kai please dont yell" you said waking up fully. "i never said that...its just im really scared cause...im worried about you too...i dont want you to get hurt or die doing some crazy shit! night of 100 tates? seriously kai! when you did that i was scared for my life too! i was scared you were going to kill me cause i was pregnant! i was scared you would get caught and go to prison! and im scared about the fact you talk to yourself! you scare me!" you cried out. your daughter woke up and began to look around. "oh really!? really?! i am perfectly fine! you are fine! i do this for you! for my daughter! for my job!" kai shouted. "KILLING PEOPLE ISNT A JOB KAI ANDERSON" you shouted. you stood up with jade and left the room. she was quietly crying now. you went upstairs to your shared room and grabbed the knife from under your mattress. kai kept it there for safety. you ran into the bathroom and slammed the door and locked it. you pressed your feet against the door as hard as you could. you heard kai chase you up the stairs and into the room. "open this door right fucking now" he said pulling on the door handle. you were scared. you cried with your daughter as you embraced her. you wrapped around her and sobbed. you were scared of your own husband. the man you trusted with every cell in your body to take care of your daughter and you, is banging on the door telling you to open it or he'll hurt you. "Y/N i'll bust this door down and fucking beat you! open it right now" he ordered. you pressed with your feet harder. you were shaking. you worried for you and your daughters lives at that point since kai was on the verge of insanity. you and jade were basically the only thing keeping him from going mad. you and jade were that tiny piece. next thing you know the door flew open and kai stood there. he was pissed off. but his expression changed when he saw you and your daughter sobbing. you were shaking like crazy and you had your daughter wrapped around you tighter than ever. you were hyperventilating like hell. you weren't able to breathe at all. you held the knife in your hands with a tight grip. "Y/N...oh..oh...god...i-" tears began to form in his eyes. his voice shook. "im so sorry..." he said. he reached out for you but you backed away. tears streamed down his face. "Y/N please im sorry" he cried. you gripped the knife tighter. you weren't going to risk your child getting hurt. kai sat on the floor across from you.

[bots-and-cons]

A new year has started...

I'm going to try to post once more this week, but I have to start my school work too so I don't know if it's gonna be today or tomorrow. Next week I'll try to be more active since I've only got school on Friday for like 4 hours, and I should have time.

School started on Thursday (11th of January) and I basically went to school while being sick, because I couldn't miss it. Same thing on Friday, but I felt even worse. I didn't have a fever or anything, I just felt freaking miserable, and now I can barely talk because my voice is almost gone. So fun...

I had a 2h presentation with one of my classmates, that we had to do for the rest of our growth-group, since it was our turn. I was really nervous for it, but it went really well and I'm glad it's over. (A growth-group is this thing for professional growth, and we also have to make a learning diary during the two years we have the growth-group meetings.)

On Friday I started a "neurodivergent problems and special-ed" course. That's very roughly translated, but you get the idea. I really liked the first classes already and it's very enlightening.

VENTING BELOW, DON'T READ IF YOU DON'T WANT TO

On top of being sick, I have been feeling a bit messed up mentally. I've noticed myself thinking I want something bad to happen to me just so I could get out of uni for a while. I know what comes next too, I'm going to continue to get more and more tired, until I actually fall quickly back into deep depression, and/or have another bad psychotic episode. I've already been having very intense paranoia, and I basically stared at shadow people on the walls of the classroom during half of my swedish class yesterday, so that was fun. I haven't really lost my grip on reality for a while, like I know the things I'm seeing are not really real, but they are there 100% and I am seeing them. I don't really know how to explain it properly. It's like I know it's not real, but at the same time they are there, and I can see them and feel them.

Intrusive thoughts have not been nice either, the most frequent one I have is that I should swallow razor blades. I should probably get rid of them, but I always somehow talk myself out of it and I just can't.

I'm supposed to do practical training for three weeks this winter/spring season too, and then preferably another six-week set too. I'm terrified of that whole thing and I don't fucking want to, but I have to if I want to go forward with my studies. The three weeks thing is the orientation training and the six-week one is the first of the professional ones.

I've been toying with the idea of taking some sick leave from uni, but I also don't want to fall behind, so I'm not allowing myself to do that. I know I'm gonna end up burning out, but I feel like I would disappoint a lot of people if I took a break, so my brain won't allow me to do that either. I fucking hate being like this. I feel like a lazy piece of shit, even though my rational mind tells me I'm doing things, and going forward in life, it just doesn't FEEL like it.

[satancheeto]

PLEASE tell us about your oc then I'm fascinated by him already just by what you've said

👁️ u 👁️

You have activated my trap card dear anon omfg

TWs that I’ll try to keep things just mentioned but: child abuse, military/war, homophobic violence, mentions of sex

Bexon is my D&D character Human/Fighter long sword specialist (2e). Cisgender, homosexual. He’s Brown (equivalent of Indian), 6’6.6”, super hairy, and built like a fuckin truck. He’s very scary looking. And he’s a sub.

He starts out True-Neut to vaguely Neut-Evil, but by now is True-N or N-Good. His special interests are swords, sword fighting, and horses :3

He has major problems with paranoia and PTSD, plus general anxiety and depression. Bexon is also autistic, so he struggles with social situations, but also a lot of his stereotypical naive autistic person traits are mostly due to his sheltered childhood. He also has very severe internalized homophobia, masculinity complex, perfectionism, etc. because of his upbringing.

This giant terrified ex-soldier (human) ends up in a crazy slow burn relationship with the hypersexual nonbinary elf twink cleric who is his total opposite (except he’s also got major depression).

I will a fuller explanation and pics under the cut in case people don’t want to see my essay about my beautifully fucked up boys. Thank you so much for asking about him though!!! He’s a very complex and interesting character, and I love putting him in emotional turmoil.

So his name is Bexon Cavaldier, he grew up in an extra evil tribe of warriors that served the already evil army of The Empire (Humans) waging a 100+ year long war against the Elven people. He was a high ranking military official and the favorite of 8 children, until he wasn’t. From a very young age, he spent much of his training to eventually be in the army.

Bexon grew up majorly sheltered in this environment, and knew nothing outside the military, in terms of what people actually thought about the war, how socialization and relationships normally work, etc. He had major blind faith in everything he was told about why the army had to commit war crimes, as well as the idea that everywhere else outside of his tribe and the military had the exact same experiences he did. To the point where he genuinely didn’t know that your parents are supposed to love you and whatever.

When his dad ended up finding out that he was gay at the age of 20, he violently hate crimed Bexon and another guy. His parents never spoke to him after that except for necessary military business (he wasn’t demoted bc they didn’t want anyone else to question what had happened and tarnish the family name). Less than 2 years later, Bexon runs away after an incident where he suddenly decided to try and save two elven children from a house (that he set on fire…). He gets them out, they also save his life somehow, but then a fellow soldier kills the kids anyways. Things finally click and he realizes every single part of the war is bad and even if you try to do good in it, it’s not possible.

Bexon is now in hiding, since there’s a chance is family is hunting him down to kill him for deserting. He basically lives as a hermit, often surviving on his own in the woods. He changes his hair and wears bulky clothes to cover up all his military tattoos. After 2 years, the war finally ends, and after 5 more years is the start of the campaign!!

Bexon has had 1-2 occasions where he’s tried sleeping with a man, but mostly hated it bc he was just so ashamed and scared. He tried once with a woman which was also awful bc he is very repulsed by the idea of being with a woman at all (partially due to misogyny). But eventually he decides to try again, and quickly gets hit on by this elf twink at a tavern, who also immediately clocks Bexon as very submissive (military instinct lol), and he ends up bottoming (also kinky sex and with an elf) for the first time. This absolutely blows his minds, the way this guy is so loud and upfront about his sexuality, and he hadn’t even considered that it was possible for a huge guy like him to bottom.

But this is a one night stand and Bexon especially never wants to see this guy again now that they know he’s gay. But being in a good mood for once, Bexon decides to help out as a bodyguard to help some people travel between cities. Unfortunately, the twink, aka Obediah, cleric of Dionysus, had already agreed to help these people as well. The two of them are forced back together along with a bitchy 19 year old wizard and a paladin farm girl who believes in always helping people and doing good (all these guys are also awesome I’m just trying to condense everything 😣). Bexon and Obediah “pretend they don’t know each other” but it’s super obvious and they are still occasionally fucking when they get the chance. Their initial “friends” with benefits is very toxic as they’re both desperately afraid of relationships for different reasons. Bexon is also just a major asshole a lot of the time because he’s very new to interacting with other people and is terrified of everyone.

It takes Bexon and Obi 2-3 years of desperate yearning, fighting, being on and off intimately, and unhealthy sex from terrible communication (and Bexon’s inexperience) for them to actually get together after the wizard finally yells at them to actually talk bc they’ve been being so annoying about this.

There’s a bajillion million more things I could tell you, but I’ll give you that and if you actually are curious about any aspects I’d be overjoyed to tell you more!! Sorry if this is way more than you expected, I don’t know how to be brief with him lol.

[tntblrconfessions]

Hey, babble anon here

I've been refraining from sending every au I've thought of [there's more than 100, but most are spin offs/variations of themselves]

But, nevertheless, another au hath dropped for you to see. This one is too long to keep in my head lmao

Concept: magic society. Wilbur is son of magic guy Phil but finds himself cursed, and fearing for his life and family, he runs away into spooky forest. In the forest, quackity runs a small gang of cursed guys on the run. Cue plot

The world building in this one is sketchy because I was focused on the plot and character development. What you need to know is this, there are non magic humans, magic humans, cursed humans, and spirits. Both magic and non magic humans live in harmony, with magic ones being higher class due to their abilities. Cursed humans are well. Cursed. I didn't quite decide how the cursing happens, but it has to be like,, inflicted. A cursed human then starts gaining animal features and instincts as well as a newfound magic power [if they had magic before, that magic is dulled in favor of the fancy curse magic]. People dont like the cursed because they're often seen as dangerous and violent due to animal instincts. Which is sorta true? But not really, they're just bitches.

Anyways! Plot time

Wilbur lives with his father and his little brother tommy, he's like 23ish and just works for his dad. He sings in his free time and dreams of being a bard but is too paranoid to go out and do it. While working for his dad, somehow he is cursed [I didn't figure this out ok]. The nurse checking him over realizes he's cursed and freaks them both out a bit. Wilbur, in his panic, commands them to not tell anyone anything and accidentally curses them to be silent forever. [His magic stuff :D]

Afraid of what he did and of people's reactions, he runs away. He runs into the dark forest, a place known for being inhabited by mischievous spirits and either killing, nearly killing, or driving one to madness. As Wilbur walks through it, he sees and hears spirits and starts humming to himself to calm himself, which the spirits hum back.

Meanwhile! Quackity has a gang of cursed fellas [consisting of Sam, tubbo, foolish, and ranboo but also anyone else that isn't mentioned could be in it. Those are the only ones featured.] Living in the forest. Q made a deal with a spirit in the forest to protect an area by giving up an item he was attached to [his finances rings, long story] then! Suddenly! Wilbur runs in. No one has ever gotten past the forest without quackity with them, so they're very suspicious of the new guy. Especially cause he's refusing to speak.

Eventually, they realize wils just some guy, and let him stay. He n quackity are both distrustful of each other and keep getting into petty fights. This part is a little blurry, but basically wilbur starts to Befriend everyone. He does walk in on quackity checking on the border and then they get closer. Q gets a puppy crush and is desperately trying to kill it, while Wilbur is just a shaking wet cat of anxiety and paranoia. Q and Wil also bond over their curses turning them into bird people [q helps Wil with his wings]

While they're all learning to get along and being happy and domestic and shit, Phil is losing his mind. He's super worried, the nurse won't speak, everyone says they saw wilbur walk into the fucking dark forest. He calls on an old friend of his, techno, who was living in near isolation in the north. He's a great hunter and Phil asks for his help in finding Wil. They venture unto the forest looking for him, but they keep getting lost.

Back at the gangs area, the shield protecting them is getting weaker. Quackity realizes its because his attachment to the rings is lessening because of his feels for Wilbur. This causes a lot of tension between them and after a small mishap, tntduo get into an argument. A less petty, more serious argument, where theyre yelling and digging deep. Quackity hits wilbur where it hurts and wilbur yells at him to shut the fuck up and his magic does its job. Quackity is panicking and wilbur, terrified by himself and guilty of what he did, runs out of the force field and into the forest.

Quackity and the gang try to fix the spell, but can't. Quackity thinks somw things through, and while he's still sorta angry at Wil, he finds he doesn't mind the idea of loving him. He hates the spell tho.

Wilbur meanwhile, is in the forest having a panic attack. In the middle of the trees he cries out and asks every question he has. The forest says nothing, but Wilbur sees a glint and follows it. As he walks through the forest, memories and voices from his past come through, fragmented pieces coming together to give him a message. A memory of a fight with his brother, a sentence from his friend talking about her customers, a distant memory of his mother before she passed. Wilvur is confused and begs the spirits doing this to him to tell him how to undo what he did, and through more messages they tell him that he needs to stop running, and face it. He needs to apologize. So wilbur runs back.

Quackity sees wilbur come back in the stave, the shields are super weak now. The gang are all apprehensive because of how wilbur was before, but he just kneels in front of quackity and apologizes. He speaks for a long time and makes sure his point gets across. Then, quackity laughs, and says that Wilbur is the first person to apologize to him in ages. They smile, embrace, and then the staves shield comes down completely.

Outside the forest, Phil is getting more and more worried. He has seen no sign of his son in months and he is desperate. So, when a young man with an axe and a mission to rid the world of cursed beasts tells him that his son was likely taken by a group of cursed humans in the forest, Phil agrees to help him.

The gang is now separated in the forest and the cursed hunters are after them. They do their best to fight back, but eventually Q is cornered by dream and Phil. Wilbur, recognizing his dad, jumps down and defends Q. Dream realizes Wil is cursed and tries to kill him but Phil kills the hunter just before. Phil then calls techno to get the other hunters out and it's revealed that techno is also a cursed. So Wilbur had nothing to fear from his family.

The story ends with the spirit of Kristin, wilburs mother, and the spirit of the forest, appearing to them and imparting messages of hope and love. Then Phil takes the gang back to his house and they plan to help the world get used to cursed people and then tntduo kiss!!! Tommy gags in the background

theyre soooo /pos

[dreamwritesimagines]

It’s CMA-

I’m not feeling 100% so plz bear with me if this is shorter than usual. I’ll probably add on later

Also hope ur doing better from last time we talked❤️❤️❤️❤️

So I’ve read a few books on developmental trauma and we talk about it in class sometimes and we talk about the hyper-/hypo-arousal that they go through and the issues with emotional regulation and how easy it is to throw them off their axis, and I feel like you’ve portrayed that very well in this story.

Like the way that she’s either at stress level 10000% or completely shut down and there’s very little in between. Or how the it’s very unstable- every little thing throws her off her axis.

And of course the anxiety and paranoia of everything going wrong at any given moment. It’s this thing with people who’ve faced child abuse that they learn to always be on guard because they never knew what was going to set off their parents, so they’ve learned to overanalyze every little thing and we see that a lot with clover.

We also see some negative distortions, or “bad thinking habits”, such as spiraling/catastrophizing, black and white thinking, etc. which I think that you’ve written very well.

Idk I think I’m just really in love with the way that you’ve portrayed the trauma and its long term effects on her, how difficult it is to get over that, how it permeates every part of her life, the coping mechanisms that were really necessary for her survival, etc.

There’s actually a lot of brain studies on what’s called toxic stress- I’ve probably brought this up before- and how it completely rewires your brain, but I don’t think the data can properly convey the emotion of it like you have with this story.

I actually wouldn’t be surprised if the feeling that clover was describing about shutting down her emotions and everything was actually related to not only hypoarousal and repression but also some dissociation. The brain has trouble dealing with chronic stress like that, and dissociation (which includes depersonalization and derealization) is actually a response to prolonged high amounts of stress.

The hypoarousal is actually more common in situations in which the situation feels inescapable, which is common in children. Many people overlook it because they assume that all anxiety manifests itself as panic attacks, but when it comes to kids hypoarousal is very common.

It’s the whole ‘fight or flight’ idea, which pretty much all researchers agree should be ‘flight, fight, and freeze’ in terms of survival mechanisms (including against trauma). If you’re confronted with something like a bear, your first option/thought is almost always to flee the situation (same for pretty much all living creatures with “basic instincts”), then if you cannot flee then fight, and if you cannot do that, then to freeze. Freezing is a last resort because you cannot do the other two options. It’s a last resort, sort of helplessness like playing dead.

(humans are unique in that we can overcome our fight/flight/freeze response thanks to executive functioning, but that is impaired in children with trauma. This isn’t really relevant, but I always thought it was interesting. It does however take a lot of work to do so; it’s difficult to rewire your brain, esp as an adult, so how your brain gets wired as a child does have a huge impact on you, which is what we see with clover)

Okay sorry as you know when I get started talking about developmental trauma I can’t shut up. Onto other stuff:

Josie putting Anthony in his place: fuck yeah you go girl

Clover calling out Anthony about Charlie: fuck yeah you go girl

(aka fuck Anthony he’s been an oblivious ass so far and he needs to redeem himself)

Teddy is going to have three homes with three times the toys in the span of like a month lmao good for him

Clover’s aunt and uncle looking out for her 😭😭😭 also ben and Charlie and Josie and Bess and Andrew and teddy and everyone else doing the same🥺 she is so loved and she doesn’t even realize it💔💔

Man clover keeps passing out. First in her garden and now this lololololol

I’m so worried that when her parents show up, they’re going to reveal her trauma to everyone in the ton, or at least the bridgertons. That’s so horrible and retraumatizing to clover and I’m worried that even if she starts accepting her feelings and healing that she’ll be too fragile…………………

Okay going back and speaking of clover not eating and passing out, I haven’t eaten today and it’s 3 pm so I should go do that Lmfao. I just love talking to you so much that I always forget/put it off on saturdays (it’s not ur fault btw I woke up at like 2 LMFAO fuck spring forward)

Okay love u lots. hope ur well❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

OMG CMA DARLING! 🥰

I hope everything is alright! Are you okay??❤️

Aw I'm so happy to hear that I could portray it well❤️ I think especially when it comes to spiraling and anxiety, we will see just how it can affect Clover in the following chapters❤️ She never acknowledged her trauma or even talked about it with Benedict or anyone really, so she thinks repressing it will make it easier for her to handle it but it won't at all❤️

There’s actually a lot of brain studies on what’s called toxic stress- I’ve probably brought this up before- and how it completely rewires your brain, but I don’t think the data can properly convey the emotion of it like you have with this story. Excuse me while I cry, this is such a wonderful compliment darling! 😱���❤️ Aaaaaaa I'm so glad to hear this! ❤️

I agree with you on the dissociation thing and we will see an example of it very soon! Clover is very used to adapting like...zero emotions expression when she's scared and Benedict will witness it soon❤️

Wait I didn't know that, I thought everyone had like...either fight or flight or freeze response depending on person not that it was like a gradual reaction of the sort! 😱 That's very interesting!❤️

I LOVE LEARNING ABOUT THIS SO MUCH! ❤️❤️

Loll Anthony made a huge mistake, talking down on Clover in front of her feral overprotective big sister ❤️

Teddy will have such a happy childhood! ❤️

Oh when her parents shows up... That will cause so much angst, I already have some scenes in mind for it and you will absolutely love it 😏

OMG GO EAT SOMETHING RIGHT NOW 😱❤️

Honeeeey thank you so much for this! ❤️❤️ ILYSM, I hope you feel better soon! ❤️❤️❤️

[readingaftermidnight007]

(Long Overdue) Reading Update!!

Ahhhh I've been meaning to post for a while but I'm just super lazy soooo....

Last time I updated this, I had just finished reading DJATS I think? Hold on I'm going to check. *pause for me checking*

Ok yeah, the last time I updated this was when I finished Daisy Jones (which i never actually talked about how I felt about and who knows, maybe I'll finally make a post about it)

Anywaysssss.....here's my reading update. We may or may not be eight books behind. Whoops. (Seven if we don't count DJATS and for these purposes I'm not going to talk about it right now)

also dont worry abt spoilers for anything. it's completely spoiler free :)

~~~~~

First up, we have....

A Raisin in the Sun by Lorraine Hansberry

(completed February 23) (i know im sorry 😭)

(3/5 ⭐️)

I read this for a class, and overall I really enjoyed it. I was in a weird place mentally though, so I don't think I fully processed a lot of it otherwise this would have a much higher rating. Its a very enjoyable play though, and it's a beautiful story and beautifully written. Definitely would recommend if you enjoy plays that are grounded in realism and focus a lot around familial themes.

The Crucible by Arthur Miller

(completed March 8) (again im sorry ive been super fucking busy)

(4/5⭐️)

Honestly, I loved reading this play. I also read it for the same class, but I found this one more enjoyable, which is probably because one of my first childhood hyperfixations was on, oddly enough, the Salem Witch Trials. Which if you didn't know, that's what The Crucible is about. Anyways. It's very good, and I would definitely recommend reading it. Its a long play, but it's worth it. It explores a lot of themes of grief and paranoia and sins and it's just so fascinating and there's so much to explore within it.

Homeward Bound by Elaine Tyler May

(completed March 17) (i swear i have good reasons for not updating but im not gonna get into that unless you wanna go check up my vent blog @queenofshadows077)

(3/5⭐️)

i read this for my history class, and i have to say, i enjoyed it a lot more than i was expecting. sure, there didn't need to be a 20 page chapter about premarital sex statistics in the 1950s(seriously, why 20 pages???), but i found it very interesting otherwise. the book basically delves into the post-WWII suburbanization of American families and gender roles and societal roles, etc and I would recommend if youre looking for a nonfiction book about that particular time period.

The Vanishing Half by Brit Bennet

(completed March 22)

(5/5⭐️)

I genuinely LOVED this book. Like, seriously. Read it. IT'S WORTH THE HYPE I PROMISE. I could not put it down the entire time I was reading it. I was having way too much fun with it and i was so sad when it was over. Like, so upset. I loved the story of the twins and their lives. It's truly a beautiful, compelling novel and I want everyone to read it. It is 100% ending up on my favorites list of 2023. Please read it. Please. I beg of you. I dont wanna get too much into the plot or anything spoilery so if you wanna know more, read the overview on goodreads please! (and then read the book. do it. do. it.)

Malibu Rising by Taylor Jenkins Reid

(completed march 31)

(4/5⭐️)

Ok so this is the third TJR book I've read, and I absolutely loved it!!! I read this over the course of a week on a trip I went on, and it was the perfect book to read for it. I love the way she organizes her books and the way she writes her characters. Compared to Evelyn Hugo and DJATS it's definitely not my favorite, but it was still excellent.

The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo by Taylor Jenkins Reid

(completed April 6)

(5/5⭐️)

This has always been one of my favorite books. This is my third time reading it, and I was inspired to reread since I had just finished Malibu Rising and had recently read DJATS. I love this book. I love Evelyn and her story and I love how TJR writes very complex characters. Always brings me to tears, it's soooo good. it's an incredible novel featuring an incredible story of a queer woman and her journeys through success, love, fame, and so much more. if you havent read it, you need to. Like, it is literally a requirement. :)

And finally....

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Sáenz

(completed April 11)

(5/5⭐️)

This was a beautiful story. Beautifully writen, characters that bare their soul and that you cant help but love, and super addicting. I literally could not put it down. the pacing was wonderful, the storytelling was so vivid and touching and i will remember this one for a long time. it's the story of two boys, Ari and Dante, as they grow up and start their journey into adulthood while also battling their own personal wars. Ari is a really interesting narrator to be in the head of and I honestly think that this author is so insanely good. So yeah. I liked it A LOT.

~~~~

That's all of them!!

see you next time!!

~Scarlett

[the-whispers-of-death]

sylvester, his back be damned, will go lay next to/on top of stone and monster.

new headcanon reached: tired sylvester = nonverbal sylvester. just way worse rn cuz he couldnt talk if he wanted to.

he doesnt want to leave stone alone again. hes now scared it was all some fucked up prank and that he'll ditch them again during the night

stone, please. ask sylvester if he wants to go to the bedroom instead. cuz he cant bring it up himself via just gesturing

I think at one point Stone woke up on the couch to Sylvester on top of him and then was like "Oh fuck, I can't have him sleep on the couch like this." And then he moved all three of them (because of course Monster's coming with them) to the bedroom.

You know how when Sylvester died and Stone spent months not letting Sylvester out of his sight? I feel like Sylvester is now doing that with Stone, he refuses to let Stone out of his sight. And honestly, Stone knows how much seeing him means to Sylvester, so he lets him do it.

And if they thought Stone was paranoid before, well, he's even more paranoid now. He can't see out of his left eye and he has a temporary limp, but it's a limp that's currently hindering him. He's the most vulnerable he's ever been physically, and he'll never be able to be as good as he was before.

Stone 100% begs Sylvester to use a non-verbal system to tell him when whoever is coming up beside him is someone that they can trust, because if they come up from the left of him, he won't be able to tell. And with his paranoia at an all-time high, he's terrified of accidentally reacting due to his paranoia and hurting their daughters.

Stone went from having the happiest life he can in this AU to basically hitting rock bottom despite still having Sylvester in his life. That's what he gets for deciding to ditch his family.

[tartarus0d01]

Visions and Premonitions

Heylooo. Since I have the displeasure of encountering visions or premonitions, I decided to make a post about these experiences. This is mostly from my observations, but maybe you can take something from my garbled post. Feel free to add to it too!

So… here we go! Mario voice

What are Visions or Premonitions?

I'm sure you've heard of them like in your favorite movies since the topic tends to make a good horror story. Basically, it's when somebody allegedly has a prediction of the future– oftentimes in the form of an image or dream. Hearing a voice tell you "xyz is about to happen" or something of the sort is also a thing. Intuition is another good word for it.

The thing is, people are already naturally "intuitive". We call those, "gut feelings".

What are gut feelings?

You know what it is… that feeling in your gut. "I've got a bad feeling about this." Something feels "off" but you don't know what it is.

The cool thing about this is that your brain can subconsciously pick up things happening in your environment without you even knowing it. Animals have this too, just with far better sense. Git gud. /j

But then, what makes visions so scary? Well, it's when you have visions of scenes that are sudden, as in, nothing in your environment is even slightly hinting at the idea of [insert event here] (as well as near-death experiences, but that's another topic for another time). That's where the mysticism comes in and it's scenarios like these that I personally believe in or that I find harder to explain. Don't worry my fellow anxiety sufferers, I'll get to the dark shit in the moment.

I keep having dreams/feelings about [xyz event]! What's happening?

Before I get to the spooky-scary portion of premonitions, we have to first think very VERY rationally. Because 9/10… this alleged event may not even happen at all.

I mentioned "gut feelings", so it's important to look at your surroundings and see if this "surprise event" is truly a surprise– or that maybe it's an idea that's been hovering around in your head for a while. But there's more.

Anxiety: This goes hand-in-hand with gut feelings. In fact, you're anxiety is known to fuck up your gut feelings. Are you anxious about something? If so, that's gonna make shit 10 million times harder to differentiate between reality and dream, let me tell you. lol.

Psychosis and Paranoia: Anxiety can cause psychosis and your psychosis can come in the form of your anxieties. Generally, psychotic (and delusional) episodes are understood to be "nonsensical" or "beyond the realm of possibility". But you can have hallucinations or thoughts that might be a little bit too real. Another thing to get checked for, if possible.

Symbolism: They say dreams can have meanings. I don't always mean it in a spiritual sense though. It's believed that the reason why your brain dreams is that your brain is trying to sift through various memories, events, and even trying to solve problems ("sleep on it"). Regardless of your beliefs about dreaming, it's important to see if there's any underlying thought or recent event that your brain is trying to decipher or understand.

Self-fulfilling Prophecy or "You die as you live": To me, these aren't really visions but are just consequences of your actions. Biologically, people can know very well that they're going to die. If you are sick or do hard drugs, I think it only makes sense to feel like something terrible is about to happen. If you work a dangerous job or are a daredevil, this naturally increases the risk of a catastrophe to occur.

An example would be Paul Walker ("Fast and Furious" movies, RIP) who said that he would die in a car and he did. But that's also because the man loved cars so… depending on how much he spent his life behind the wheel or in a car, it would make sense for that unfortunate event to occur because of probability.

Granted, you still don't know if dangerous events are going to happen like 100% of the time. But I'm sure you'll agree that certain lifestyles can increase your risk of a certain end. That's how it goes for everyone.

At the same time, to help those who are one step closer to a panic attack, just because you think it doesn't mean it'll happen either. Anxiety is a killer though, be it mentally and/or physically. So please, reach out and get some help.

Well, I thought about it, but the visions persist. Whatever I'm seeing feels like it's going to happen. What do I do now?

Now the spooky-scary moment we've all been waiting for. Well, I bet you're hoping for some kind of cure or way to prevent this horrible vision from becoming true, huh? 

I'm glad you're here then, because I'm happy to say: No, there's not a damn thing you can do about it.

insert applause here

Don't ask me what the point of having visions is. For myself, maybe it's to keep me moving forward. But what's set in stone is set in stone. Run away from it all you want, maybe even try trading places with that person in your vision. But we all know what's going to happen. Life finds a way, and so does death. This isn't "That's So Raven". /ref

Yet, I'm speaking in the darkest context. Death isn't always biological. Sometimes it's mental or spiritual. Sometimes it's a break-up or a job loss. For our ability to have straight-up horrific and vivid dreams of destruction and death, the dream might actually represent some other thing that won't send you to the grave at all. Hell, that dream of you crashing in a car accident? Turns out, your partner just wanted to marry you.

Regardless of the circumstances, it's very unlikely that you'll be able to prevent change, even if the change is negative.

So what can you do if you truly feel like something bad is about to happen?

- Ask yourself, "How do I feel about this?" Are you scared, happy, sad, or angry? Can you pin-point the exact cause of these images or feelings?

- Praying or asking for clarification might help, but I find that these methods don't do much. Probably because the god's or whatever you believe in have chosen this path for you so there's not much else you can do except hold on. You'll probably get an answer that you already know.

- You can try to protect yourself. Even within inevitability, there might be a silver lining. It's not good to not get caught up in the mess though. Do what you can, but remember, that's about all you can really do.

- And lastly, it is what it is. There's not much else to say quite honestly. Welcome to basic living... lol. I guess I would be remiss to ignore the stories of people jumping in and saving the day because of their intuitions. I feel like these stories are rarer than the premonitions themselves, though.

Luckily for most, situations like these are apparently rare– more so if in regards to actual catastrophic events or death. That's why we don't trust evangelicals when they "predict" the end times– nobody can, not even you or me. Not only did it say that in the bible, but that's the reality of things. Anybody who says that they can predict your future is a con and misinterprets what it means to actually have visions or an intuition.

Everything's got to give, but as far as the details are concerned, you'll never truly know what to expect. So be well and take good care of yourselves.

– Tune in next time for when I talk about those little funky scrunklys (ghosts and shadow people) living in your home! –