#basically i should know more math.
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i still don't really get what a kernel is and at this point i'm afraid to ask
#basically i should know more math.#they've come up in quantum (aka the propagator) and stats and while i tried to understand i have not succeeded#you can expand a kernel into its basis functions.. or go from the basis functions to a kernel..#and it's a covariance function..#or a green's function which is kinda the same/similar?#i just. dont really know where it came from. it was presented to us very much like we should already know what it is
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Jack Marsh (2005), Friendship Otherwise - Toward a Levinasian Description of Personal Friendship
#saw carnation lily lily rose by john singer seargent irl today. it was basically at my doorstep all along idk why i never went to see it#it was placed at a corner in the gallery. me and my friend sat down and sketched the paintings of beautiful naked people quite badly. paper#provided by tate britain. she told me about how she couldnt look her boyfriend in the face after a harrowing film about war. when i say the#interview was informal i mean the person who was supposed to be my boss told me let me get you a cider and then he said after#50 years of life he knows people are inherently good and it only takes a little bit of kindness to save this world. he said he tricked#his wife into keeping the baby and then he said he quit his job at a US bank to help people find meaning and in it#he would have liked to find meaning. instead he started climbing with his friends. he said he chews his cigarettes because its a habit from#when he had to hide things from people. the entire time i felt uncomfortable and incredibly enlightened. this is my friends mentor. she has#his pattern of pauses and expletive and penchant for ends-justify-means attitude. i do think im not very clever#but maybe one day i will love you enough to make up for it. i wrote code i dont understand staring at the final error i thought about how#we both thought of how when we're too old to remember the voices of our friends we would like to stand in the pathway of the LHC beam pipe#cut it open and eat light in the freezing cold vacuum (kills you long before radiation will) the invisible puncture wound unfolding dna#back to the start larger than you ever were. you go to heaven once youve been to hell. my friend is in my bed#practicing calculations of eigenvectors by hand and she is uninterested in a visual proof you are uninterested in incompetence#we catch a train this is your kind of burden you tragic hero wincing at that word you only do this because you have to. im the only one#who can. i am a coward in this for the fucking poetry. the visual proofs. the pretty numbers. an architect who was horrible at maths wanted#to be a philosopher and accidentally ended up neck in deep in 70th Error On Visual Studio Code i want to kiss your eyes before we say#goodbye we both know there is no love in the way there should be. I still have your dress in my wardrobe. i hope you make art.#you think im alright head-wise i think you fucking hate me i think ill never be so clever you want me to tell you my idea?#if you wanted more of this world i would have liked to kiss you harder. we cant both be like this. im sorry i cant be with you the whole wa#the love is gone if you have to ask it. his breath catches his eyes feel stiff it is -1.9 kelvin he is near the beam pipe i miss holding#his hand i miss her singing voice i miss his hair and i found the antonym of pain thank you for carrying me home.
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this is a test
#i’m bored i just wanna see how many words i can put in the tags like will it just keep going on forever or will they stop me like i know th#the tag limit is 30 ok so the iindividual tag limit is 140 characters that’s actually so rude i wanted to keep going forever and see how lo#g this could be but i guess we can do this 30 times ok what the flip should i talk about hm i was playing the guitar today but i rage quit#ause the song was hard and hurting my fingers! ermmmmm it was sunny ok this is boring let’s think of more exciting things to type hmmm acco#ding to all known laws of aviation- jk i’m not doing the bee movie script but can you imagine i think that would be funny hmmmmm words i lo#e podcasts so bad that’s a fact no one has ever know before my blog definitely isn’t all about audio dramas the people are definitely not a#ready aware of this jesus christ this is only the seventh one of these this is actually quite a lot of space i underestimated how much i ha#e to type btw there’s probably spelling mistakes in here somewhere or autocorrect has been annoying but i cba to retype anything so i don’t#care lolllllllllllll how do you feel about oscar malevolent i feel a normal amount actually (lie) yk what i really miss sam and colin alrea#y like i’m actually not okay i really hope we hear from sam again in s2 and also colin ngl i hope ur in the computers soz or not dead miss#im like a bastard my paranoid it king ok erm im running out of things to say um heartstopper s3 was crazy good i cried lmao i love gay peop#e so much it’s crazy i hope it gets renewed for s4 i need to reread the comics lowkey and the books they’re all so talented for being so yo#ng it scares me ngl !!!!!! the tmagp hiatus is getting to me slightly like february in reality is soon and not that far away for how podcas#ts go but seriously how am i supposed to live until then without knowing what happened. please colin be alive. ive only just realised i can#use fills stops. sorry that’s made everything a bit messy. i should’ve been doing this before. whoops. anyways. hi mutuals i love you all s#much i hope you enjoy my rambles and shitposts cause i enjoy yours very much! never think you’re being annoying i literally don’t care be a#annoying as you want posts as much as you want i am ur biggest fan <3 im getting a bit fatigued from typing like my mind is blank basically#now it’s just turned into a. stream of consciousness but i don’t really have any thoughts to put here idk if we’re halfway ermmmm omg it’s#lmost halloween how crazy is that time is flying by i kinda forgot it was october lmao. it’s wild how it’s basically almost christmas. like#what. that’s illegal. how is it wintertime again. what the flip. i miss summer already take me backkkkkkk. i hope my phone doesn’t crash or#smth cause i’ve not saved this as a draft and i cba to do any of this again. maybe i should save it. ok i will when i reach the next tag bc#ok it stopped me but i’ve saved it and holy jesus it’s a lot of text im just sat here giggling there’s really no point to any of this other#than me being bored sooooooooooooooooo (imagine if i just did the letter o for every character wouldn’t that be crazy) so wait there’s 140#haracters and 30 tags so what’s 30 x 140. someone hurry. i haven’t done maths lessons in two and a half years i’ve forgotten everything wai#let me get the calculator app ok im back it said 4100 characters so. i dont know how many words that roughly is but its. a decent amount. o#what the flip why am i wasting tag space with maths. i hate maths. my screen time has been actually soooooooooo bad recently like damn some#one put my phone in a block of ice please joshua gillespie style. my mind is running out of things to say. do i talk about myself. im james#im 18 which is weird cause wdym im an adult go away. ive run out of facts. i love podcasts and procedural dramas that stupid firefighter sh#w is my life unfortunately. i think chappell roan should be the queen of england instead of king charles. i dont like having a king cause#ho needs men in power not me. ok um this is the last tag equal rights for all. yolo. the time will pass anyways! thank u boredom ok bye gn:
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Moedred :3
Her in a singularity
I honestly don't know what I'm doing but I want a Mordred lily even if I don't play the game...
#mordred pendragon#fate grand order#I was thinking that she should be a what if scenario#in this what if scenario everything is the same exept mordred is human#lol the knights of the round table is falling apart and she's still learning her basic math XD#but I don't really know much about fate to be able to think of stuff like her attacks or noble phantasm or her stats or her story.#i just want a mordred lily.#it would probably make more sense for her to be an assassin class but I want to draw a clarent inspired staff.#she stabs and bashes people with it :D
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Being in that weird middleground of homeschooled and unschooled is very... Strange..!
#Like. I DID go to school! Until I was 9! And then I didn't anymore.#I don't know math but I am literate. Science eludes me and I don't understand basic functions. But I. Am literate!#Going back to learn things as an adult is so frustrating and embarrassing because these topics are only every framed for children#Understandably! I don't have a problem with that itself. However it makes it more obvious how far behind you are on everything#And it's exhausting. The progress is slow. I can't spend a school day's worth of time studying because I have responsibilities.#My mother made it clear that it is my job alone to learn these things. When my brother expressed his rage over it she said the same to him.#'If you're so upset by it why haven't you learned it yourself?' Something along those lines. It hurts a lot#Where do you start. I have over 10 years to catch up on. I know he was confused and overwhelmed as well.#Whether or not it is our responsibility to learn now.. It doesn't change that she should have taught us then.#But I can't talk about it. Or I will get yelled at or guilt tripped... 🙏
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I was convinced by a friend to take part in this challenge
#my art#evil art style challenge#Loving how my evil art style boiled down to “Anime doodles in a middle schooler's math notes”#and yes I know I technically put more detail into the nose in my evil art style than I should have#but I love drawing noses too much I'm not someone who can just stop at a line or a dot#this was the simplest nose I coulda done#also shoutout to a different friend who's definition of my evil art style was “I am basically asking you to become a renaissance painter”
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was looking at the school systems in latin america and i think our ministries of education should come together n decide some sort of standard fr bc what a mess
#if they could come together to make our car plate look the same ugly ass shit they should come together to do something useful as well#they should copy paste whatever finland is smoking for basic school n then steal whatever cuba is doing in high education#me personally if i could choose i'd divide the basic years in 4 phases#first (til 4yo) second (til 8yo) third (til 12yo) fourth (16yo)#which is similar to what we have but its divided evenly now. also they should make the school hours shorter#no fucking person should be sitting in a chair for over 6h#three months of vacation is a perfect number to be honest (december january july)#oh n we should actually have decent extracurricular activities OR we should b able 2 choose the classes we need#sure make a standard curriculum for ppl who dont know what theyre doing w their life but also let the rest of us bitches choose#i DID NOT need that many chemistry or biology classes. i was not interested then and im not interested now#and also that insane amount of math classes was unnecessary too. even if i use math in uni now#a perfect curriculum for me would be 25% language 25% history + geography 25% math 10% art or PE 5% sciences#these bitches had me doing 40% math 40% portuguese 20% all sciences + random philosophy#oh n while i think a test to get into university is good it should not be like a straight line bc every student is different#for example when i did ENEM the first time i was baffled on how insane the math and sciences part were#(i love the language history and geography part tho) like i think we should also be able to choose that#like when we sign up we say what uni and course we wanna take and then do a test that has nothing to do with it#we should be able to get a personalized test from the already existing database. for example#if im going to do architecture then my test needs more math physics and history. but not as much language geography and fuckass chemistry#even though i LOVE language and geography#wait this rant went too personal already. anyway change the schooling system#and also fix the way teachers are being taught to teach and also pay them better and fund better infrastructure#cos literally til when are politicians gonna put the tax money up their ass? girl you cant even give 30% to education? kill yourself <3#the way latin america will be stuck in the lower top 50 in education for the next decades is crazy
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Listening to a podcast discussing conspiracy theories and deconstructing the ideas behind them and it's reminded me of the coolest practical lessons in critical thinking I ever got, both in high school, both from the same teacher. One was a month long project on who killed jfk in which we could basically present any theory as long as we cited all our reasons and it got us really excited about research and interpretation, but it was the follow up that I liked best.
Our next project she brought us into class and showed us a documentary claiming the moon landing was faked. Gave us worksheets to do that sided with that stance. And at the end of class a bunch of us were like miss wait this doesn't seem right?? and she said okay, we'll discuss that next week. The next lesson, she showed us a mythbusters episode countering all the claims of the original documentary and gave us worksheets for that, and another bunch of people went wait miss you can't teach us two opposing things, which one is right? What do we put on the exam??
So she split the class in two and told us each to present a case based on each side, and to explain why our source was or wasn't the more reliable of the two. Got us to debate each other directly and use additional sources to back us up and explain why those sources were reliable and should be believed. And because they were randomly assigned there was no guarantee you'd agree with the stance you were presenting, but you had to present it like you did. At the end of the project she asked us all which stance we found more convincing and why, and the majority of us basically said "we think that the moon landing is real because most of the arguments against it seem like someone reacted to a confusing thing without testing it, but when you test it and ask the person running the test to explain the science it makes sense once you have more information. Also, one documentary was made with the help of scientists with qualifications and experience and the other was made by people who don't have that but like to write mystery books, which looks like a less reliable way to get an answer. But we still dont understand why you showed us both if one is wrong."
And she was like excellent. You've done exactly what you should do. At high school level, we as teachers are expected to filter for the reliable sources for you, so you know to repeat that to pass an exam, but if you want to be historians on your own, I won't be your teacher any more once you graduate. Lots of people have opinions and theories and research about times in history, and it's your job to learn how to look at them and decide who you want to trust. This won't be on the exam, but I need you all to know it. You all did a great job following the school's instructions to repeat information you were given, but for some of you, that information wasn't on a reliable foundation. I know you all know how to pass an exam. You're smart and you've been trained to follow these instructions. What you deserve to be taught is how to use all this once you don't have to do exams any more.
And then as a reward for us doing a good job at figuring out the value of checking your sources' sources she let us watch Bush get hit in the face with a shoe before we had to go to maths. Shoutout to you Ms Hannah you were a good'un I hope you're doing well ten years on from that class
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My sir, for whom my respect dissipates like water on a hot day, might be an Israel supporter cause Germany supports Isreal..? Cause he thinks germany is an amazing country cause and they have the best football and scientists and culture (he's actively stated that he's not a Hitler supporter cause we weren't the first ones to raise an eyebrow at his devotion to a country we have nothing to do with) and etc etc.
#im so confused#i thought this man was genuinely smart#but if i put down the rose colored glasses aka believing wtv he says cause he claims himself that hes the smartest person he knows#hes pretty fucking regressive in his thought process and straight up bigoted#trans ppl women and basically all marginalised community deserve to be marginalized but my friends (who've studied with him for long) think#he should rule the world cause he's good at maths and physics?????#sure he has a lot of bookish knowledge. sure he thinks he has all the nuance to every single topic of conversation to exist in the world#but#the more i see him from a completely neutral pov#the more i recognize him as someome who has built a bubble of self indulgence in the facade of an “all knower”#yeah this shits. weird.#ill let yall know updates about him cause the thing with me is i love indulging people into talking about themselves#and oh he loves giving his opinions on everything (and apparently there cannot be another opinion that's “correct” other than his)#and i keep getting insider into him as a person#and yeah the illusion that i had initially is fading
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I'm genuinely curious how the other students of this class are finding these papers (if they're reading them) because a lot of them are very mathematical which is easy for ME but for an arts major idk....
#like between the math and the comsci aspects of every paper i feel like this would be confusing or at least over the head of someone who has#no proximity to these concepts but also like i am SURROUNDED by these things in my everyday studies#so its all very natural for me to read about but idk how different it is for someone strictly in arts yknow?#like *I* know about differential equations and (basic) physics and vectors etc etc but do the other people??#i know one other kid in my class is mathphys and so definitely knows these things#but what about the other students?#like these are concepts above even calculus (just barely tho)#but idk if it even takes away from the paper if you dont know#like i guess you wouldnt get to FULLY appreciate what is being argued for but the broad ideas should still come across#i feel like this paper at least is being VERY clear in breaking down what everything means as equations appear but still maybe theres#concepts used in those explainations that are lost on not maths people#IDK!!!!!#i just think its interesting to think about#in class the prof does a good job to also explain the concepts in a way that retains their mathematical nature but still make sense to not#maths people or at lease *I* think so but again i AM a math major so i understand these things more naturally#well not naturally that implies inherent understanding but i mean i see it all the time so it is more incorporated yknow?#anyways back to work BYE BYE!!!!!!#this assignment is going to be late anyways BUT i need to keep working teehee ^.^
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Simple Math / Part Fifteen
Simple Math masterlist
Ghost/Soap/female reader AO3 - 4.7k words Tags: 18+ mdni, nurse!reader, hospital setting, domesticity, feelings of anxiety, self doubt, anxiety about sex. PTSD. Tiny bit of a panic attack. Tiny smidge of Simon's past if you know where to look. Comfort. Cockwarming. Barebacking, anal fingering, masturbation, praise kink, daddy kink. Basically the guys fuck while Bunny watches.
You’ve been having dreams about the hospital.
It’s always the same one.
You’re running a code with an intern and a fleet of baby nurses. No one is moving as fast as you are, no one is following direction. You’re on fast forward, they’re on rewind.
Every time, the dream starts and ends the same way. For some reason, you can’t see the patient’s face. You work on them for what feels like hours, and then only once it’s been called does the mental block disappear, you look down-
To see yourself.
Intubated. Bruised and broken.
Dead.
“Bunny.”
“Hmm?” You glance up across the counter, feeling the focus of Simon’s eyes before you see them.
“Everything alright?” Pen babbles ‘moremoremoremore’ while making the sign at the same time.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” He mimics Penny’s sign, and then gives her a yes, spooning more yogurt into her mouth.
“You’ve been standing in the same spot for the last ten minutes, staring into your coffee.”
“Oh, yeah. Sorry… I’m just a little… scatterbrained this morning.”
“Still having that dream?” It’s been a week and a half since it started, and a few days since you finally confided in Simon and Johnny it was bothering you. “Do you think it might be related to going back to work this week?” You shrug.
“Maybe? I don’t know… I’ve never dreamed of working on… myself.” His jaw flexes, and then he sighs.
“I’ve been thinking…” Penny squawks, demanding the attention of the room, and you pull some blueberries from the counter and put them on her plate. “My therapist is taking new patients. I don’t want to push you before you’re ready, but I’d like you to consider it.” The grimace slides onto your face without preamble. Sure, you’ve considered therapy in the past, but it’s a risk. Mandated reporting, paper trails, everything you don’t need.
“I don’t need therapy right now.”
“You have PTSD.” He says point blank, and you blink. Your mind fractures, little pieces twisting and turning, trying to knit together a larger picture.
“No- I- I’m not… it’s…” You’re a medical professional, don’t you know what PTSD looks like?
“It’s hard to see, in yourself.” Simon senses the confusion and tries to soothe it away, cool balm on a burn.
You suppose he’s not wrong. It’s not unrealistic, you having PTSD, but you’ve never been confronted with it. Never been forced to face the truth.
No one’s ever known you well enough, to see.
It stings. It stings for some reason, and you don’t know why.
“I’m sorry.” He stands, moving around the counter to stand in front of you. “I want to help you, bun, but I should have approached that differently.” You shake your head, relenting into the steady hand at your back, and tip your face into his chest. The confrontation of the truth aches, but there’s comfort in Simon’s touch, understanding, and you relent to it, drifting away inside his tender hold.
“What’s goin’ on?” Johnny’s close, appearing in the kitchen after sleeping in. He was deep in his own dreams when you woke up, sweet like angel in the clouds, buried in the pillows, and you couldn’t stand to wake him.
Simon rumbles something over your head. You can’t make it out, ear covered by his bicep, and you turn your head to peek, reaching for Johnny.
“Hey, pretty girl.”
“Hi.”
“Why don’t ye come lay down wit’ me on the couch?” He coos, stroking a hand over your hair. “’m not quite awake yet.” Simon gives you a squeeze, and you nod.
“Yeah, okay.”
Johnny holds you close. His nose in your neck, fingertips carefully tracing over your skin, heat at your back, he calms you, comforts you, lulls your stiff muscles languid. He’s so good at it, pulling and kneading until you settle, and it dawns on you he’s had practice.
“Would you tell me about you and Simon?”
“What do ye want to know?”
“What was it like… in the beginning. When you got together.” He kneads your hip, thoughtful for a quiet moment, and then takes a deep breath.
“He was difficult. Didnae wan’ to let me in, no matter how hard I tried. Had to corner him in his room on base just to get him to kiss me.” Johnny chuckles low, rubbing your shoulder. “Took him forever, to break down, let me see him, really see him, for the first time. I had glimpses, here and there. Moments in the field, on base, at the bar with the team when we’d decompress but… it took a lot of work. He tried to push me off, hide away.”
“Why?
“It’s his story to tell ye, bunny. An’ he will, in time.” He sighs. “He’s always been like this, strong, steadfast, more serious than me, but he buried a lot of things, deep. Always was very aware of it, jus’ not willing to show it to anyone else. Wanted to be a ghost.”
“But… he’s okay."
“He’s okay. Has some moments where he gets lost, still, but works through ‘em, wit’ me or on his own.” He kisses your neck, soft enough to tickle, and you shiver. “He’s really good at this, bein’ a da, takin’ care of a family. Treats us all like his little unit. I miss him too much when ‘m away. Pen too.”
“I’m sure.” His lips graze your shoulder, humming.
“An’ ye. When I go back, I’ll be thinkin’ of ye all the time.” When he goes back. The idea is chilling, a douse of cold water. It’s felt so far away, the idea of Johnny returning to his job, the thing that brought you to him in the first place.
“But that won’t be for a while, right? I mean, you’re still healing.”
“It won’t be for a while.” He assures, though there’s something in his voice, pinched and pained. You don’t ask, don’t push, choosing to close your eyes instead, nestled in his arms, safe.
“This is the worst.” You’re whining. You know you’re whining, know you sound like a child, but it spills out of you without stopping.
“I know sweetheart.” Simon screws the cap onto a travel mug, giving you a sympathetic smile. They’re both up with you, before the sun, listening to you moan.
You shouldn’t be going to work at this hour. You should be awake, puttering around, working your rhythm back to normal, getting oriented to working at night.
You’ve never hated your manager more. She insisted she was sorry, that she had no choice but to fill the overnight shift. She assumed, she said, the new nurse would want to go to days when you got back, but she’s taken a liking to it.
She’s taken your shift.
“Maybe it won’t be so bad? An’ ye’ll see me tomorrow when I come in for therapy.” That is an upside at least, knowing you’ll be able to see him, see them both, at work.
But the rest of it, simply put, sucks.
“We should probably get going.” Simon kisses Johnny goodbye, and you’re drawn to them, sidling up in their orbit. Johnny wraps an arm around you, mouth to your temple.
“Have a good first day back, bunny. I’ll be thinking of ye.” You turn, grazing your lips on his, and he seals the kiss, drenching it in care, sweetness.
“Bye.”
Simon walks you all the way to the door.
Your resistance at the initial idea slowly fades as the sun peeks over the city. It’s different with Simon at your side, the paranoia and rampant fear infecting the atmosphere wherever you go is farther away.
You trust him. You’re starting to believe they may be able to keep you safe.
He holds your hand for most of the trip.
It’s… nice. Once you make it to the door, he turns and tucks his fingers under your chin, holding your gaze like a magnet. “Call me if you need anything.”
“I will.” He presses his lips to your forehead, and you lean into it, eyes closed.
“Have a good day, bunny.”
Work is absolute hell.
Dayshift is so different from nights, and you have trouble adjusting. The turnover rate at the hospital is fairly high, so when you badge in and get started, you hardly recognize anyone.
Except, Marshall.
He’s standing outside the pit when you round the corner, devilish grin aimed at one of the nurses you don’t recognize. New probably. Sheep in a lion’s den.
You clear your throat. His head snaps up.
“Well, well, well… looks who back from vacation.”
“Marshall.” You greet, barely looking at him, tapping through your tablet. “I wasn’t on vacation. I was out on medical leave. Big difference.”
“Right.” He takes you in from head to toe. “Rotator cuff, huh?”
“Mhmm.”
“Surgical?”
“No.” The other nurse watches you with interest, before scurrying away when a bell chimes. “Still having inappropriate relationships all over the hospital, I see.” He raises an eyebrow.
“You’re one to talk.” Ice cracks across your forced smile. He smirks. “Heard you’ve got yourself two boyfriends.” You suck your teeth. Nia.
“Considering he’s no longer my patient, it’s hardly inappropriate.” With the best timing, his phone rings, pulling his focus, and you slip away.
Fucking asshole.
Simon opens the front door for you and is careful not slam it closed.
“Penny asleep?”
“Johnny’s trying now. We’ll see if he has any luck. She’s been fightin’ it.” The kitchen smells like garlicky lemon, and you peek over his shoulder to see a large saucepan filled with linguini, capers, and shrimp. Your mouth waters.
“That smells amazing.” He takes your bag from you and hangs in on a hook from the hall tree.
“Scampi. We remembered you said it was one of your favorites, and we thought we’d spoil you a little bit. Celebrate your first day back.” Your cheeks burn hot, and to your horror, tears build up through your nose to your eyes. His brows crinkle together. “Hey, what is it?”
“That’s just… it’s really nice. You don’t have to.” Someone celebrating something with you, for you, is alien. The memories of the beginning of your relationship with Phillip are long gone, twisted and gnarled into black rot. It’s how he charmed you, wooed you, brought you closer and closer until they all but faded and you were left with only the darkness. The vice grip of his hands. His satisfied, sickening smile every time you closed your eyes.
“It’s not a ‘have to’ thing, sweetheart. We want to.” He skates his fingers over yours, pulling them to his mouth. “I know it’s hard to get used to.” You’re a little bewildered by it, the care, the consideration, even the memory of something you mentioned off hand.
“I… thank you.” He kisses your temple.
“Go shower. You smell like a hospital.”
“This was so good. Thank you again.” Your hands are woven together under your chin, rich wine sauce still present on the back of your tongue.
“Aye, thank ye.” Johnny winks at Simon, who rolls his eyes.
“Here, let me-“
“I got it.”
“No, you cooked.” You protest with a pout as they both rise.
“Johnny, sit.”
“Can wash dishes, ye know. I’m not helpless.” A sliver of twilight passes over Simon’s expression, not quite darkness but still full of a looming shadow until he sighs, relenting.
“Alright.” Your lips purse.
“What about me?”
“Ye jus’ sit on the couch and look pretty, bun. Willnae take us more than a few minutes.”
‘Just sitting on the couch’ lasts for all of five minutes before you’re antsy, rolling to your feet and padding into the kitchen.
You stop dead at the corner of the counter.
They’re making out. More than making out, Simon is swallowing Johnny’s whines with big breaths, his hand down the front of his pants. You buzz, thighs pressing together without permission, spine tingling heat awakening in your blood with zeal.
“Ah, shite-“
“Shhh. Be good.” Simon admonishes, but smiles into the kiss, wrist working a rhythm in Johnny’s sweatpants. He pulls away, chin tilted, looking down his nose with an eyebrow raised, almost condescendingly, but still grinning. “Feel good? Just need some relief?” Johnny’s moan is strangled in his throat, and you’re about to turn the corner in the shame, mortified you’re essentially spying on them, when Simon looks at you like he knows you’ve been there the whole time. “Like what you see, sweetheart?” You whimper. It slips out, unbidden, and Johnny turns, forehead pressed to Simon’s cheek. His hips are trying to jerk into the grip that has slowed, and he groans.
“Si.”
“Relax.” Simon stills him, pulling his hand free. “Maybe bunny wants to play too.” You give them a nervous smile, butterflies building in your stomach. You’re scared, there’s no other emotion to describe it. There’s fear, bad memories, anxiety building in the back of your throat, but at the same time, desire pushes you forward. You trust them, and it’s reached a critical point. You want to try.
“I… maybe if we s-started slow… I’m not sure…”
“That’s okay.” Simon coaxes, wrapping an arm around Johnny’s waist, hand splayed possessively on his stomach. “Let’s go upstairs.”
Their bed is an enchanted place.
There’s love in it, beguiling affection that transfers to you, dots down your throat to your chest, your clavicle, ass pressed into the hardened swell of Johnny’s cock.
It’s enough to strike down your fear, pry you open, lecherous want infiltrating your mind, your soul.
Their dynamic is crystal clear. Simon is natural in his mastery of both Johnny and you, the leader, the maestro. His forbearance at slowly peeling you free, layer by layer, puts you at ease, calms you enough you let him take your pants off, leaving you in only your underwear and the t shirt you put on before dinner. He folds you up against Johnny, careful to mind his sore spots, the pieces still healing, lips finding the plush fold at your ribcage.
“Sweet little bunny.” He glides careful fingertips over your panties. “Can I touch you here?” You draw a deep breath.
“Yeah.” Johnny’s lips graze your neck, and he sweep up over your belly towards your nipples, under your shirt.
“An’ can I touch ye here?”
“Mm- mhmm.” You buck into them, sensation building between your legs, lust cascading to where Simon’s fingers slip into your underwear and down the seam of your pussy.
“You’re wet, sweetheart. Is this for us?” You nod, Johnny tickling circles across your breasts, playing back and forth, pinching and stroking gently.
They’re both taking it slow, cautious, and there’s one half of you wanting to rip into them, and vice versa, while the other half is terrified. So far, the reckless abandon side is winning, but when Simon grazes over your clit, the crest of your fear bottoms out in the pit of your stomach. Johnny flexes his hips, the weight of his cock between the curve of your ass, and the combination of it, the touch now overwhelming, stream of thoughts turning panicked and unstoppable like a bolder rolling down hill, steals your breath.
In the wrong way.
“S-stop.” You freeze, immobilized, muscles turned from molten lava to stone, eyes wide, lungs rasping. Simon immediately creates distance, while Johnny jerks backward, palm steady on your shoulder, but separated otherwise.
“Ye’re alright, bunny.”
“Take a breath.” Simon coaches, maintaining eye contact, and you nod shakily, anchoring yourself to Johnny’s tender hold. You manage a breath, not so far gone you’re spiraling, and it’s deep, without a hitch or a studder. “That’s great. You’ve got it.”
“I’m sorry.” You whisper, disappointed. You’ve let yourself down, let them down-
“There’s nothing to be sorry for.” He murmurs, understanding and slow. “We’re done. There’s no rush.”
“No!” You blurt. He raises an eyebrow. “Sorry, I just… I don’t want it to end I’m just not sure I can… do it.” His head tilts, surprise contained with a slow smile, and Johnny hums.
“Do ye wantae watch, pretty girl?” You nod shyly.
“Is that… is that okay?”
“It’s more than okay.” Simon rasps, stroking your cheek. “Sit up against the headboard.”
The two of them move into position seamlessly, sweat and breath thick in the air, a wet fog blanketed around you. A bottle of lube discarded on the mattress, a pillow under Johnny’s hip to cushion him. He’s settled on his side, arranged carefully to avoid pressure on his injuries, and they both face you.
Simon kisses his neck, sucking urgent marks into his skin before he palms Johnny's ass, hard and then slips between his cheeks. You’re unable to see his hand, but when Johnny’s eyes go wide and he groans hoarsely, your clit throbs.
“There you go.”
“Simon.” He whines, high pitched and needy.
“Bloody tight, Johnny. Been so long since I’ve taken care of you, huh?”
“A- fuck, aye.” He presses backwards into Simon, and pants. The scene makes you drool, the eagerness on Johnny’s face, the slow movements of Simon at his back, his lips against Johnny’s cheek, neck, murmuring gently. You’re nearly shivering, ache screaming between your legs, and instinct takes over as your slip your hand inside your underwear. You’re slick, so wet it dampens your curls, and your fingertips slide over your clit, zaps of electricity echoing through your nerve endings.
Simon looks up at you through heavy lids, mouth obscured by Johnny’s shoulder. “Are you touching yourself sweetheart?” You nod, not trusting yourself to speak, afraid it will come out a garbled mess. “You want to come when I fill our boy up?”
“Y-yeah.”
“Keep going.’ He orders, and then shifts, pressing his cock to Johnny’s entrance. Johnny moans, and your own hips jerk.
Simon pushes slowly, focused on Johnny’s face, cataloging every expression. “Y’alright?” Johnny nods, lip tucked into his teeth. “Christ. You’re strangling me.” He thrusts sharply, sealing his hips to the soft curves in front of him, and Johnny cries out in a high-pitched wail, eyes slamming shut. He fumbles with his cock, squeezing at the root, but Simon pulls him away. “Not yet, sweet boy. Need you to last for us.” You’re trapped in a shockwave that hasn’t quite reached shore yet, tension building with each swipe over your sensitive bud.
“Bunny…” Johnny rasps, and your apprehensions wane.
“Does it feel good?” you whine, and he nods, groaning. Simon builds his thrusts into an unrelenting pace and cups Johnny’s belly, stroking down, pushing against the strain of muscle there, Johnny’s eyes rolling into the back of head. You wonder if Simon can feel it, the pressure, the bulge of his hard cock, shoving deeper and deeper.
“Daddy-“ Johnny shrieks, and Simon’s mouth curls into a satisfied smirk.
“That’s right, good boy. Fuck… perfect little hole f’me. All mine.” He practically growls it, and you writhe, flicking down your pussy and back up, breathing hitching in a frantic pace. Johnny’s delirious, hands scrambling across the sheets, half reaching for you, half reaching for nothing. “Isn’t he perfect, bunny?”
“Ah- yeah.” Your tongue is numb, body burning. Sweat slicks down the middle of your back, and you ride your hand violently.
“Please.” He’s begging, frenzied, fingers twisting, and Simon reaches for his cock, wrapping his fist around his length. It doesn’t take long until Johnny’s back bows, and your toes curl. You hiss. They move together wildly now, a push pull in a frenetic dance, and your eyes slip closed, sinking into the slick sounds of Simon fucking Johnny open, Johnny moaning, whispers passed back and forth. Simon cups his jaw, tilting his face towards you, and they both watch, drifting from your eyes down to where you’re trying to make yourself come, clit swollen and throbbing.
“She’s such a good girl, isn’t she? Touchin’ herself, watching you take my cock.”
“Pretty girl.” Johnny slurs through his gasps, body shaking with the power of Simon’s thrusts. He’s close, judging by the fevered look on his face, little gasps and whines tumbling from his mouth. Simon squeezes him, thick thumb rubbing over his slit.
“Come, bunny. Be good for daddy.” Simon coaches, and you tighten, cosmic explosion streaking behind your closed lids, the same time Simon grits out something under his breath, jaw tight, tugging relentlessly on Johnny’s cock until he’s crying out too, cum splattering up his belly and chest, Simon milking every last drop from his cock as he lazily strokes inside him.
Immediately, you gasp. Shocked at yourself, but not scared. Not nervous just… emboldened.
They both read it on you, and Johnny’s head lolls with a satisfied, lazy smile. Simon pulls free, rubbing Johnny’s hip sweetly, ducking into the bathroom to get a towel. He cleans him up carefully, gently, and Johnny’ reaches for your hand. You don’t turn away.
And when Simon urges you to tuck in between them for sleep, you do. More than willingly.
“He looks good.” Hot tea wafts from the cup in front of your nose. You’re on break, somewhat, watching Johnny work through his last few minutes of physical therapy, his face broken out in satisfied smile. His biceps flex. “Really good.”
“He���s been workin’ out at home, a bit. In the garage.”
“He shouldn’t be pushing it.”
“I know.” Simon squeezes your good shoulder. “He’s okay, bun. He’s strong. A bit too stubborn for his own good sometimes, but strong.”
“Dada.” Penny smacks an open palm against Simon’s chest, and he covers it with his own, bouncing her slightly.
“Look, Pen. Is that your Da in there? Is that him?” The therapist smiles at Johnny and pats him on the back, rubs his shoulder down to his elbow with wandering fingers. She’s pretty, and fit, tight ass, tiny hips. A sliver of self-doubt, self-consciousness pokes at you, and then jealousy nearly turns you green. Simon cocks his head with a laugh. “Easy, bun. She’s just doing her job, you know.”
“What? I know that. I’m fine.” You immediately blurt, and it does nothing for your cause.
“It’s cute. That you’re jealous.”
“I’m not,” you roll your eyes, “whatever.” He chuckles, and then starts to pass Penny to you.
“Can you hold her while I help him get his stuff together?”
“Sure, c’mere girlfriend.” You tuck her up into your chest, playing with her hair as she curls into you. “Sleepy huh? It’s past your nap time. I bet Dada keeps you up for an early bedtime tonight.” She coos. Her fingers tighten in the collar of your shirt.
And then a freight train rams itself in the deepest parts of your heart.
You lean against the wall to keep your balance.
This is not your baby, but she feels like yours. Her weight is familiar now. Her routines. Her signs and sounds.
It’s easy to close your eyes and imagine she’s yours.
It’s been days since you touched yourself in bed as Johnny and Simon had sex, and the scene, the desire, is burrowing itself in your brain.
You want more.
You want more so badly you wind up touching yourself in the shower, fingers stroking your clit until you're muffling a moan in your elbow when you come.
It doesn’t soothe the ache. You’re not sure what will.
So, when you’re done, and find them relaxing in bed, Johnny in boxers, an idea abruptly runs through your head.
Could you?
Your fingers twiddle with the hem of your shirt.
“Hi.”
“Hi?” Simon raises an eyebrow. Johnny stops his sketching to smile.
“I um. I wanted to… see… or ask for something.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing! Nothing, I just… I was wondering if I could… sit on you.”
“Sit on us?” Simon’s brow furrows, but Johnny’s face lights up.
“Like, ye wannae sit on one of us?” He emphasizes the word sit, and Simon murmurs.
“Ah.”
“I just… I really want to… I want to move on.” The words take you by surprise. “I want to feel like a human again, like how I used to feel. Before I was like this. I think…”
“Taking back control of your body will bring you closer to healing.” Johnny looks at Simon, and there’s desperate sadness in their eyes. Their hands intertwine, gripping onto each other so hard it looks like it hurts.
The moment passes, gone like it was never there in the first place. Johnny turns back to you.
“Ye’ll have to sit on me, pretty girl.”
“But... your hip.”
“I can take it.” You nod. Not that you prefer one to the other, but you’re curious.
“Is there a reason why…”
“I’m too big, bunny. Especially if it’s been a while for you. We’ll need to ease you into it.” Johnny smirks, and you hide an excited shiver.
“Okay.”
You stretch yourself out with your own fingers at first, the process made easier by your orgasm in the shower, all the while both Simon and Johnny encourage you, coo at you, praise you.
You stay present. Focused.
“Take it slow,” Simon coaches when you straddle Johnny’s hips, “don’t rush it. Just take your time.” Hands on his shoulders, Simon reaches for his cock, sliding it through your lips, brushing your clit before angling it at your entrance. You take a deep breath.
“Okay.”
The first inch makes you whine. Johnny’s fingertips draw circles up and down your spine, his lips in your ear. “Good job, pretty girl. Just like that. Nice and easy.” Your eyes slip closed, and you take more, sliding down his cock, the burn of the stretch smarting tears in your eyes. Simon wipes them away.
“Our brave girl. You’re doing so well. Feel okay so far?”
“Y-yeah.”
“Ye alright? Does it hurt?”
“A little.” You wince, taking another inch, glancing down. Your equilibrium pitches.
“Look at me.” Johnny redirects, head tilted back on a pile of pillows. “Jus’ look at me, bunny. You’re safe. I’ve got ye.” His hands guide your hips, keeping your pace even and slow, careful. Even when the anxiety invades your control, he steadies you. “It’s us, just us. We’re here, bunny. You’re okay.” The ache, the open sore spot spilling sticky, blackened tar, seals up. It's zippered shut, away from you, packed tight for another day. Another moment. The only thing you need to focus on is here, and now. With them. Johnny's jaw clenches. “Christ Si. She’s really tight.”
“I know.” He pushes some of Johnny’s hair from his forehead. “You’re both being so good. I’m proud of you.” The praise, the warmth from the both of him, glows in your heart. You’ve never felt so safe, so cherished, in your life. Again and again, they surprise you, teaching you how things you used to dread or shy away from can be enjoyed, valued.
This is how it should be. Love without fear. Intimacy without fear.
You’re fully split open on Johnny, stuffed full. It’s tender, calm in the low light of the bedroom, almost cozy. His thighs blaze under your ass, and the heat creeps like lava to your fingers and toes, turning you boneless, languid in his arms. Simon leans in to kiss your temple.
“How do you feel?”
“R-really full.”
“Are you in pain?”
“No just… stretched, I think?” You wiggle a little bit, and Johnny finally breaks eye contact, looking up at the ceiling with a groan.
“Try to be still bunny. We just want to get you used to the feeling. This isn’t about sex.” Simon's last comment earns Johnny a warning glance, and he nods, straightening.
“Right. Even though your perfect little pussy is drivin’ me mad-“
“Johnny.” Simon chides. “Bunny, can you lean forward for me?” His hand presses to the middle of the back, guiding you to rest your cheek on Johnny’s shoulder. “Good girl.”
The room lapses into silence that lasts, rhythm of your chest rising and falling syncing with Johnny’s, Simon humming, working a hand up and down your spine.
Up and down. Up and down.
You think you could do it now. Roll your hips and rise on your knees, sink back down to feel the pressure, the bludgeoning tip of Johnny’s long cock nestled at your cervix. You’re not sure, not confident, but somewhere in your dreams, you picture yourself milking him dry, riding his cock until you’re shattering.
“Si.” Johnny’s voice pitches to something you’ve never heard, low and heavily accented. “Will ye read?” Pages of a book flutter. You hadn’t realized your eyes had closed, but as Simon’s voice picks up a page with no pretense, you don’t fight it, allowing yourself to drift between them, cradled on Johnny’s body with a piece of him pulsing inside you.
It’s bliss. It’s love. You’re…. happy.
#peaches writes#simple math#ghoap x reader#simon riley#john soap mactavish#simon riley x reader#soap x reader#john soap mctavish x reader#simon ghost riley x reader#simon ghost riley#John soap mactavish#ghost x soap x reader
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bihet accurately and relevantly describes most bisexuals lmao
'Bisexual,' 'heterosexual,' and 'homosexual' are mutually exclusive categories. If you're bisexual, you cannot, by definition, be heterosexual/a bihet or homosexual/a bi lesbian.
(You didn't ask, but this is why I prefer calling my relationships 'opposite-sex' and 'same-sex' ((plus I don't want people to see me leave a 'lesbian' relationship for a 'straight' relationship and assume lesbians must be open to opposite-sex partners))
#i don't know why people are surprised that bisexuals have frequently have opposite-sex relationships#it's basic maths - more heterosexual options means greater likelihood of ending up with a heterosexual partner?#opposite-sex attraction is part of the definition and i don't see a compelling reason why we should pretend to be gay/lesbian#anon#biphobia
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seventeen as dads headcanons
content: reader is married to svt, normative(?) family structure, literally just unhinged thoughts, not proofread lol
note: was trying to write an actual fic but then got distracted sorry, dadventeen brainrot is so real
Seungcheol
Super protective “don’t touch my family” dad outwardly
All of his kids’ friends are straight up SCARED of him
But within the household he's the one sneaking ice cream when you say no, albeit guiltily
Shopping trips with him will always result in buying something for them and he is very willing to be taken advantage of
“Babe if I can’t spoil them now, they’re gonna grow up and move out before we know it!”
Tries his best to be handy around the house, but probably makes it worse, ends up calling Mingyu to come fix it
Jeonghan
DEFINITELY a “go ask your mom” dad
This man not only powerless, he doesn't even want the power, he's just here to have a good time and if you say they can't, then sorry kiddo
You can’t tell me that he doesn’t bring up becoming a family prank channel at least once a week
LOVES bragging to everyone else about his kid’s achievements, cannot shut up about them to anyone in a 5 foot radius tbh
His kids definitely talk to him about everything, which is great because he is SO nosy.
Has a list of all their best friends, enemies, and crushes at school somewhere on his notes app for future reference when they come to him for advice
Joshua
The REAL practical joke dad, admittedly made them cry a few times when they were younger and felt really bad about it
Perfect sweet husband and father in image, all of his kids know he’s actually lame af
Dominates the summer barbeques, UNDISPUTED GRILLMASTER
Super dependable, will drop everything if his family needs him and never goes back on his word
Gives surprisingly good fashion advice
Jun
Definitely walks around the neighborhood with his baby in a sling carrier strapped to his front, POINTS AT EVERYTHING OF INTEREST
When they start learning how to speak he adopts all his baby’s weird mannerisms (it started off as a cute joke but then realized he couldn’t stop)
Cries at every baby milestone until they’re like 10
Will not stop bringing up embarrassing childhood moments, especially in front of their kids’ friends/significant others
Cuts fruit for them instead of apologizing
Hoshi
Will fully ally himself with his kids
Like legit would do anything for them. ANYTHING.
I’m talking borderline go to his kid's school to beat up their hypothetical bullies himself sort of dad
The kids can always count on him to say yes if you say no
Absolutely DEVASTATED when they grow out of the tiger stuff he buys for them and become angsty teens
“What do you mean tigers aren’t cool? Do you not love your old man anymore?”
Wonwoo
Quiet doting dad
Definitely more affectionate when the kids are younger but gets into the awkward advice-giving stage when they grow up
LAME DAD JOKES GALORE, groaning is a regular activity in this household
Tries to google basic algebra every time his kids ask for help on math homework because he doesn’t want to admit he forgot everything
Chaotic af unsupervised. “Guess we’re having pizza again tonight kiddos” kinda dad because he cannot and should not cook
Jihoon
Another quiet dad, but make it savage
I feel like he would just love roasting his kids (affectionately of course)
And always overwhelmingly acts of service so his kids know they are loved
Allowance randomly appearing under their pillow, their favorite foods magically stocked in the fridge, always relenting to one last bedtime story no matter how tired he is
Would let you have final say but he makes it really clear he’s on their side and empathizes with them but its out of his hands
“Next time just don’t get caught, okay?” *winks*
Minghao
Loves loves loves just spending time with his babies
Doesn’t matter what he’s doing he just wants to be in the same room as them or cuddling and holding them
Emphasizes equality in your relationship so his kids can grow up with those values and learn to respect others
TURNS EVERYTHING INTO A LIFE LESSON OH MY GOD
Doesn’t believe in allowances but will cave and literally buy them anything they want if they ask
Would rather die than miss any important event (competition, speech, recital, talent show, graduation, etc.)
Mingyu
Absolute super dad, what can’t he do? Nonstop home improvement projects, cooks anything his kids are craving, offers to drive everyone everywhere
But also the whiniest dad ever lol constantly complains about people “ruining his system”
Absolutely FUCKS at the school bake sales, earns them twice the target fundraiser amounts because he's dilf material and knows how to get the moms to spill their pockets
Likes to have the final say, but you’re both usually on the same page in regards to discipline so his kids aren’t getting away with anything
Just the most supportive dad in the universe, the kids learn to never take him for granted
Seokmin
You already know his kids are gonna be spoiled rotten. He will be the favorite parent by default sorry I don't make the rules!!
His arms are the very definition of a safe space
Leaves all the discipline to you because he cannot keep a straight face when delivering a lecture (one time he made them cry and also ended up crying because he felt so bad)
Does so much embarrassing shit just to cheer his kids up when they have a bad day, acts surprised when they tell him he's cringe
Such a pushover that they are probably gonna make fun of him when they're older, but that's okay because they know there's no universe in which their dad will stop loving them
Seungkwan
As long as he can pick them up still, his kids are never on the ground for too long
Two words: SPORTS. DAD.
He could practically captain the cheerleading teams at their school with how many events he's been to
Knows all of his kids’ friends parents, they all get together and have coffee once a month actually
Nags nonstop and complains about everything he has to do for them, but is always diligent and does it without question
Gets so pouty when they start getting embarrassed to show affection, he WILL get his cheek kisses if it's the last thing he does!!
Vernon
Chillest dad in existence?!?
Literally as long as his kids are safe he doesn't give a single fuuuuckkk
“Sleepover? Yeah, call me when you're done and I'll pick you up.”
He WILL argue with you if he doesn't think there's a good reason to say no to them
So cute and encouraging to all their weird hobbies and phases throughout the years. “Lemme see” and “Really? Show me” are regular phrases in his vocabulary
His kids are definitely gonna inherit his legendary facial expressions afnngjdg
Chan
Super affectionate and doting, but also quite strict with them at times
“I just want the best for you, I want to see you succeed”
HAS A PHOTO OF THEM READY AT ANY TIME, lockscreen is a different shot of his kids every day and is eager to show it off even if no one asked
Not so subtly signs his kid up for dance lessons
Just the most encouraging dad ever, makes sure that they know making mistakes are a part of life and that he will always love them no matter what
#seventeen imagines#seventeen scenarios#seventeen headcanons#seventeen x reader#seventeen fluff#i read some of these to my friends and they pointed out how aggressively american some of these were LOL
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On insurance: I still live with my parents and don't know a lot yet about the sorts of things adults usually have to spend money on. I've always been skeptical of things like insurance and credit cards because it seems to me they wouldn't be selling that if they didn't expect to make money from it. I talked to my cousin a while ago about credit cards and basically came to the conclusion that they do that because they're betting on the customer getting sloppy and letting their debts stack up, and the way you beat that and get money from credit card companies is just by being careful.
I'm a little more confused about insurance though because it seems much more straightforwardly like a gamble they will simply not take if it won't pay off for them. Like, you don't go to a casino because every game they play at a casino is one they've done the math on and have determined that statistically most people will lose money on most of the time. Is insurance not kinda the same? Where they estimate the risk and then charge you an amount calculated to make sure it probably won't be worth it for you?
I know if you have a car you legally need car insurance so everyone knows you can pay for another car if you crash into someone, and I gather that here in the US at least health insurance companies have some kinda deal with hospitals so that the prices go down or something, and there's a reason I don't fully understand why not having health insurance is Really Bad. But we get to pet insurance, or like when I buy a concert ticket and it offers ticket insurance in case I can't make it to the show, and surely if they thought they were gonna lose money on that they just wouldn't sell it, right? Or they'd raise the price of it until it became worth the risk that something bad actually will happen? Wouldn't it only be worth it to buy insurance if you know something the insurance company doesn't?
So the deal is that most people don't use their insurance much, and often insurance companies will incentivize doing things that will make you use your insurance less.
So, for example, you can get a discount on car insurance if you have multiple cars because people who insure multiple cars are more likely to be responsible drivers (the ability to pay for multiple cars stands in as a representation of responsibility here). The longer you go without an accident, the lower your premiums get because that means that you are not costing your insurance company anything but you are paying into the system. The car insurance company's goal is to have the most responsible, safest drivers who never get into car accidents because they can predict (roughly) how much they're going to have to pay out to their customers and they want the number they pay out to be lower than what's paid in. So they try to discourage irresponsible drivers by raising their rates and encourage responsible drivers by giving them discounts.
Health insurance companies often do the same thing: I recently got a gift card from my health insurance company because I had a visit from a nurse who interviewed me about my overall health and made sure I had stable blood pressure and access to medications. It is literally cheaper for my insurance company to give me a $100 giftcard and hire a nurse to visit me than it is for me to go to my doctor's office a couple of times, so they try to make sure that their customers are getting preventative care and are seeing inexpensive medical professionals regularly so that they don't have to suddenly see very expensive professionals after a long time without care.
Insurance in the US has many, many, many problems and should be replaced with socialized healthcare for a huge number of reasons but right now, because it is an insurance-based system, you need to have insurance.
We're going to use Large Bastard as an example.
Large Bastard had insurance when he had his heart attack and when he needed multiple organs transplanted. He didn't *want* to be paying for insurance, because he thought he was healthy enough to get by, but I insisted. His premium is four hundred dollars a month, and his out of pocket maximum is eight thousand dollars a year. That means that every year, he pays about $5000 whether he uses his insurance or not, and if he DOES need to use the insurance, he pays the first $8k worth of care, so every year his insurance has the possibility of costing him thirteen thousand dollars.
The bill for his bypass surgery was a quarter million dollars.
The bill for his transplant was over one and a half million dollars.
His medication each month is around six hundred dollars. He needs to have multiple biopsies - which are surgeries - each year, and each one costs about twenty thousand dollars.
Without health insurance, he would very likely be dead, or we would be *even more* incapable of paying for his healthcare than we are right now. He almost ditched his insurance because he was a healthy-seeming 40-year-old and he didn't think he'd get sick. And then he proceeded to be the sickest human being I've ever known personally who did not actually die.
Health insurance costs a lot of money. It costs less money for people who are young and who are expected to be healthy. But the thing is, everybody pays into health insurance, and very, very few people end up using as much money for their medical expenses as Large Bastard did. There are a few thousand transplants in the US ever year, but there are hundreds of millions of people paying for insurance.
This ends up balancing out (sort of) so that people who pay for insurance get a much lower cost on care if they need it, hospitals get paid for the care they provide, and the insurance company makes enough money to continue to exist. Part of the reason that people don't like this scheme is because "insurance company" could feasibly be replaced by "government" and it would cost less and provide a better standard of care, but again, with things as they are now, you need to have insurance. Insurance companies are large entities that are able to negotiate down costs with the providers they work with, you are not. If you get hit by a car you may be able to get your medical bills significantly reduced through a number of means, but you're very unlikely to get your bills lower than the cost of insurance and a copay.
Because of the Affordable Care Act, which is flawed but which did a LOT of good, medical insurance companies cannot refuse to treat you because of preexisting conditions and also cannot jack up your premiums to intolerable rates - since Large Bastard got sick, he has had the standard price increases you'd expect from aging, but nothing like the gouging you might expect from an insurance company deciding you're not worth it.
Pet insurance works on the same model. Millions of people pay for the insurance, thousands of people end up needing it, a few hundred end up needing a LOT of it, and the insurance companies are able to make more money than they hand out, so they continue to exist. This is part of why it's less expensive to get pet insurance for younger animals - people who sign up puppies and kittens are likely to be paying for a very long time and are likely to provide a lot of preventative care for their animals, so they're a good bet for the insurer. Animals signed up when they are older are more likely to have health problems (and pet insurance CAN turn animals away for preexisting conditions) and are going to cost the insurance companies more, so they cost more to enroll (and animals over a certain age or with certain conditions may be denied entirely).
This weighing risk/reward is called actuarial science, and the insurance industry is built on it.
But yeah it's kind of betting. The insurance company says "I'll insure ten thousand dogs and I'm going to bet that only a hundred of them will need surgery at some point in the next year" and if they're correct, they make money and the dogs who need surgery get their surgery paid for out of the premiums from the nine thousand nine hundred dogs who didn't need surgery.
Your assessment of credit is correct: credit card companies expect that you will end up carrying a balance, and that balance will accrue interest, and the interest is how they make the money.
And it is EASY to fuck up financially as an adult. REALLY EASY. But you are still likely to need a good credit score so you will need a credit history. That means that the correct way to use a credit card is to have a card, but not carry a balance.
To do this, never buy anything on the card that you can't afford. In order to avoid needing the card for emergencies, start an emergency fund that is at least 3 months of your total pay *before* you get a credit card. That seems like a *lot* of savings to have, but from the perspective of someone who has had plenty of mess-ups, it's a lot easier to build up a $10k emergency fund than it is to pay off a $10k credit card debt.
If you don't understand how interest works on credit cards, or why a 10k savings is different than a 10k debt, here are some examples working with $10k of debt, 23% interest (an average-ish rate for people with average credit), and various payments.
With that debt and that interest, here's how much it costs and how long it would take to pay off with $200 as the monthly payment:
Fourteen years, and it would cost you about twenty four thousand dollars in interest, for a total amount paid of about thirty four thousand dollars.
To save $10k at $200 a month would take four years and two months.
Here's the same debt at $300 a month:
4.5 Years and it costs about six grand (again, just in interest - sixteen thousand dollars total). Saving ten thousand dollars at three hundred dollars a month would take just under three years.
Here's the same debt at $400 a month:
3 years, about $4000 dollars (fourteen thousand dollars total). Saving ten thousand dollars at $400 a month takes just over two years.
The thing is, with all of these models you're going to end up paying one way or another. Insurance vs out of pocket is you weighing the risk of losing a fair amount of money by signing up but not using the system, or potentially losing a catastrophic amount of money by not signing up.
For credit cards they really only work if you know you're never going to need them for an emergency, because an emergency is what you're not going to be able to pay off right away. I didn't have an emergency fund when Large Bastard had his heart attack and needed surgery, or when we moved between states suddenly, or when we moved between states suddenly AGAIN and needed to pay storage costs, or when Large Bastard needed a transplant, or when Tiny Bastard got in a fight with my MiL's dog, and the fact that I didn't have an emergency fund is still costing me a lot of money.
So, young folks out there: what's the takeaway?
Get insurance. Get the best deal possible, which usually ends up being the one you sign up for early. You may think you can let it ride without insurance, but man in the six months between when I graduate college (and lost my school insurance) and when care kicked in after 90 days at my job I got electrocuted and needed to go to the ER. If that hadn't been a worker's comp payout I would have had thousands of dollars in bills. Something could happen. You could break your leg, you could get hit by a car, you could suddenly find out that you actually have heart disease at twenty, you could develop cancer. Have insurance, you need insurance. You legally need car insurance in the US, and you financially need health insurance. If you have a pet, I think it's a good idea for them to have pet insurance.
Credit cards are not for emergencies, they are not for fun, they are not for buying things that are just ever so slightly out of your budget, they are for taking advantage of the credit card company and managing to get by in a system that demands you have a credit score. ONLY put purchases on your credit card that you already have cash for. Before you get a credit card, build up an emergency savings so that you aren't tempted to put emergency charges on your card.
If you DO end up with an interest-bearing debt, pay it off as fast as possible because letting it linger costs you a LOT of money in the long run.
Stay the fuck away from tobacco and nicotine products they are fucking terrible for you, they are fucking expensive, and they are not worth it put the vapes down put the zyns down put the cigarettes down I will begin manifesting in your house physically i swear to fuck. Knock that shit off and put the cash that you'd be spending on nicotine into a savings account.
Take care, sorry everything sucks, I promise that in some ways it actually sucks less than it did before and we're working on trying to make it suck even less but it's taking a while.
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bro I hate geometry. I hate memorizing formulas. I hate calculating the dimensions of circles. Graphed lines are on thin fucking ice. The moment it stops feeling like logic puzzles and starts taking on a complex physical world relevance I can't stand that shit.
#wasting#also why I don't like physics#I don't want to calculate the size or movement of an object#I only like math as it applies to abstract concepts#mainly bc the abstract concepts are generally more about understanding the process#while more physical based math revolves around complex processes that get simplified into a standard formula#at that point it's on par with memorizing names and dates#none of them mean anything or connect to existing concepts in a meaningful way#but without wasting brain space on committing the exact name/formula to memory then you're shit out of luck for getting an answer#at this point Id rather learn the long way around#like the difference between just memorizing 9x9=81 and knowing that you can add 9 to itself 9 times to get the answer#the second one feels a lot more useful and takes up less memory because it's a concept that applies to the multiplication of all numbers#so instead of memorizing every multiplication answer#you can fall back on simply adding up all the numbers#the latest shorthand I've picked up for multiplying large numbers is to add up smaller/easier multiplications of it#so like.... 9x17? well that's (9x10)+(9x5)+(9x2) aka 90+45+18#I just have to be careful bc I have a tendency to move too quickly through basic math and make mistakes lmao#coyo speaks#anyway I'm just whining bc I'm trying to pass a placement test so I don't waste time and money taking below college level math classes#or rather I should say waste MORE time and money doing that#I don't think the concepts are difficult... there's just a lot of stuff I didn't bother to remember#or straight up didn't bother learning hdbdbskshs#but I kinda screwed myself over here#there's no reason I should have gone from taking calculus in high school to fucking around with non-college level classes in college#I don't generally regret my time on stuff bc I'm fine going at my own place#but this really was a waste#it wasn't because I wasn't ready for it. I just didn't take it seriously and fix the issue earlier#so now there's no recorded proof that I'm capable of higher level math and I have to take all this time and money#just to get a stupid check mark for my degree
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okay but….
what about an angsty/fluffy fic for poly!maruaders + lily x reader. like the reader gets overwhelmed to she leaves when their hanging out or something and the marauders + lily get terrified that they did something wrong 😔 but they comfort her and make sure shes okay! ���🏻
aawwwweeeeee
marauders + lily x fem!reader when things become too much for her
CW: brief panic/panic attack, healthy coping skills though, hurt with comfort, also run on sentences used as a tool to portray panic - the gif I made uses artwork by @/upthehillart
You had to admit that the combined bravery of four Gryffindors could, at times, be contagious.
One example of having contracted momentary bouts of boldness was when Remus, Lily, James, and Sirius convinced you that Marlene’s birthday party was going to be ‘a lot of fun’.
And between James’ excitement, Sirius’ cocky confident smirk, Lily’s hopeful smile, and Remus’ reassuring eyes, you believed them.
And it had been fun; at least getting ready with Lily in the boys dorm room as they all wolf whistled and showered you with compliments every time you pulled a brush through your hair or tried on a new top.
It had even been fun when you got downstairs and watched James, Sirius, and Lily dance their hearts out from your place curled up on Remus’ lap.
But then….
But then there were far more dancers on the floor. And then James came over, begging you and Remus to join them on the floor to which you staunchly refused but insisted Remus didn’t need to sit here on your behalf. And then everyone came back to the sofas but so did Marlene and Mary and Dorcas and Peter and Benjy and Gideon and Fabian and Emmeline and Amelia and Frank and Alice. And then they started a game of Truth or Dare during which they mercifully allowed you to fade into the background, but then you quickly became horribly embarrassed that they were handling you with kid gloves. And then you became embarrassed that you had to be handled with kid gloves. And then a conversation started about the hottest people at Hogwarts and Sirius began bragging that he was dating most of them, shooting you a salacious wink as he pulled Lily tight into his side. And then James joined in to say the group of you were five tens which basically made you 500’s and then Peter had to tell James that he wasn’t doing the maths properly and then you felt like the noise of everyone’s voices talking over each other was a physical presence in the room that was slowly closing in around you and you could feel everyone looking at you and those who weren’t looking at you were definitely thinking about you and it was too much, too much, too much.
So, as James had Peter in a headlock and Lily was on Remus’ lap and Sirius was standing behind the chair that Remus and Lily were currently occupying, leaning forward on his elbows as he cheered James on, you snuck through the portrait hole and rushed down the halls of the ancient castle to look for a hiding spot to completely break down.
Sirius felt his blood run cold when he looked up only to see you missing from your seat.
Damn it. He knew; he knew he should have been sitting with you.
Remus had told him and James to keep an eye on you, which was Remus-talk for “don’t overwhelm her, you sods”, so he refrained.
But now you were gone and it was probably his fault.
He quickly tapped Remus’ shoulder as he moved to haul James off of Peter (who never even thanked Sirius for his service, mind you) and made for the portrait hole.
“What the hells, Pads!?” James pouted petulantly. “I was winning!”
“I don’t know where our girl went.” He stated, ignoring James’ protest as he looked up and down the hall outside of the Gryffindor common room.
“Well here’s one.” James offered as Lily stepped through the portrait hole, quickly followed by Remus.
“What’s going on?” Lily asked.
“Where’s dovey?” Remus added severely, moving down the hall as if following her trail.
“I don’t know.” Sirius admitted; his voice falling far more vulnerable than his usual boastful and arrogant affectation.
James quickly moved over and pulled Sirius into his side. “I think it was my fault.” He whispered miserably.
“No Pads.” James reassured. “I was being too much.”
“I shouldn’t have made her feel pressured to come.” Remus said with a sigh.
“We shouldn’t have drawn attention to her.” Lily mused as she chewed on her cuticles. “Oh god, what if this was too much? What if we’re too much? What if this is what makes her decide she can’t handle us?”
“Whoa, whoa.” James interjected, pulling Lily’s hand away from her mouth. “How about we start with finding her, yeah?”
Lily and the boys were in agreement as they began their search of the castle.
You felt ridiculously childish sitting on the cold stone floor hugging your knees to your chest as tears fell silently in some random alcove on the fourth floor of Gryffindor tower.
What were they thinking, being with someone as pathetic as you? This would do it, certainly; this is what would make them realise you weren’t worth their time. You couldn’t even sit through one sodding party for their sakes.
You were such a fraud, agreeing to participate in a relationship you had no business in; silly, foolish, selfish.
They were all going to know it.
You were spiralling, that much was clear. You knew you tended to get like this when things became too much.
“Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater, Y/N.” You sighed to yourself, closing your eyes as you tried to take some steadying breaths.
Your breathing exercises were interrupted when you heard hurried footsteps making their way towards you.
“Y/N?” Sirius called out quietly; though he may as well have screamed at you with the way your heart sped up and your breathing became erratic, eliciting a fresh stream of tears to start cascading down your face.
“Hey, hey babydoll.” He cooed at you as he knelt beside you; the others appearing behind him with matching looks of concern. “You’re alright baby, you’re okay. Can you take some deep breaths for me?”
You let out a choked sob and shook your head quickly, causing Sirius to turn behind him in search of help.
“Here, angel.” James said, taking Sirius’ spot and pulling you into his lap before wrapping his strong arms around you and squeezing. “But you have to take some big breaths for me, okay? Can we do them together?”
You worked hard to try to emulate the dramatic breaths James was taking for your benefit; and though yours were far shallower and much more shaky, he showered you with praises at every exhale.
“What happened, darling?” Lily asked cautiously as she knelt in front of you and James, taking a moment to push some of your hair away from your face.
“Too much.” You admitted through a hiccup, keeping your answer short lest your breathing become erratic again.
“Were we too much?” Sirius asked, his voice timid and his face vulnerable; you hated it.
You hated it even more knowing that you were the one to put it there.
“I’m not good enough.” You blurted; voice uncharacteristically high as you spoke through an ever present lump in your throat. “I can’t be-be brave like you, I…I can’t. I tried but I- I can’t. And I’m not good enough; I’m no good for you.”
“Well that’s enough of that.” Remus decided; words strict but tone soft. “I like to think I’m able to decide what’s ‘good enough’ for me, and I’ve decided that’s you.”
“Yeah, and Moony’s the smartest out of all of us, so I trust his judgement.” James teased gently, wiggling his arms around you in an attempt to get you to smile.
“Well I take offence to that.” Lily responded as she looked at James wryly.
“Second smartest.” Remus corrected; nudging Lily with his foot.
“Now that may not say much about them, though.” Sirius continued, his voice taking on the tone alerting you to his particular brand of teasing. “I mean, they do willingly put up with me and Prongs.”
James scoffed in faux offence as Lily and Remus chuckled.
“If we can put up with these two,” Lily said as she dramatically motioned towards her two boyfriends with her head. “Then you’re a breeze, my love.”
You let out a sigh and burrowed your face into James’ neck who was all too happy to snuggle you closer.
“What upset you, dolly?” Sirius asked gently.
“It was just…”
“A lot?” Remus offered, causing you to nod.
“Anything we could have done to make it less…much?” Sirius offered again.
You left your sanctuary in James’ neck to look up at the long-haired boy before offering him your hand.
As if he’d only been waiting for the offer, he quickly fell to his knees beside you and pulled your hand into his chest with both of his.
“I don’t want any of you to be less.” You whispered.
James let out an awe as he snuggled you closer and Sirius pressed a small kiss to your knuckles.
“I didn’t mean to make you all leave your friend’s party.” You admitted shamefully. “I’m sorry; you don’t have to stay here with me; I can just go to bed.”
James made a protesting sound as Sirius scoffed and Remus shook his head with a fond smile.
“I think I speak for all of us when I say we are exactly where we want to be, darling.” Lily offered with a wink.
You had to admit that you were, too.
#marauders era#marauders au#marauders fanfiction#reader insert#self insert#sirius black#remus lupin#james potter#lily evans#poly!marauders#poly!marauders + lily#poly!marauders fluff#poly!marauders imagine#poly!marauders x reader#poly!marauders x you#poly!marauders + lily x reader#poly!marauders + lily x you#sirius black x reader#sirius black x you#remus lupin x reader#remus lupin x you#james potter x reader#james potter x you#lily evans x you#lily evans x reader#lily evans x fem!reader#ellecdc fics
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