#mainly an 18 year old who needs to learn to know better

[emeraldcreeper]

I think some people do need to experience life upending trauma actually I think it would make them act like adults and not do stupid shit

[eddiemunsons-missingnipple]

Hey have a request I’d love to see a fic like this:

Dad!Eddie x mom!reader their reaction when their 18 year old daughter comes home with her first real boyfriend turns out it’s a metalhead like Eddie :)

I hope you can do something like this <3

This is so cute, and I love the idea. I just picture Eddie being a complete girl dad. Hope you enjoy. 🩷

Requests are open for the time being.

Dad!Eddie Munson x Mom!reader

Warning: none, just some fluff.

A/n: This is fluff, but I still do not want minors interacting with my work. Not proofread

"He's coming over!" Your daughter Julie raced down the stairs yelling out to you.

Eddie looked up from his phone with his reading glasses hanging off his nose. "Who's coming over? He?"

You saw him looking towards you and then back at your daughter. She just turned eighteen a few months ago. She was born on July tenth. Which was also the birthday of Ronnie James Dio. Something Eddie never stopped bragging about saying it's "the most metalest thing ever."

He fell in love all over again the moment she was born. She was glued to his hip. Anywhere he went, she went. If he was eating, so was she. If Eddie got a tattoo, then he was buying her one out of the bubble gum machine for her to match.

He couldn't stand watching her grow up. Seeing her go from this tiny little thing to a young woman was difficult on you both. She had his eyes and dimples along with his sarcasm.

"Oh, uhh, her boyfriend Eddie, remember he's coming for dinner." You reminded him while trying to keep things calm.

"Boyfriend?" He repeated.

Julie rolled her eyes. " Yeah dad boyfriend you know the guy I've been telling you and mom about for like the last two months."

Eddie didn't say a word back. He knew he couldn't stop her from dating. He actually didn't hate the idea of her dating. He hated the idea of some guy hurting her.

That's all it really came down to. He's tried so hard to shield her from all the bad in the world. But you've helped him realize that's impossible, and he needs to just let her learn.

Once your daughter left for the day, you sat with your husband. You wanted to take his mind off of things and just help him relax. He already possibly has high blood pressure. You didn't want to make it worse.

"You wanna go out back and work on your tomatoes? " You got up and started massaging his shoulders.

He smiled and took off his glasses. "I actually gotta tune up my bike, but maybe tomorrow, sweetheart."

"Are you okay?" You leaned down by his ear.

"I'm fine-- I'll be fine." He reassured you. You turned your head and gave him a little kiss to his cheek.

He was still as handsome as the first time you saw him. His eyes have the prettiest crinkles from all of the years of laughing. His smile lines are visible under his stubble. His hair is starting to finally grey in certain parts. You've been together since you were practically kids.

You and him fell in love the millisecond you laid eyes on each other. Your parents hated him at first. They tried so hard to keep you two apart, but you weren't having it. Nothing was going to keep Eddie away from you.

He tried so hard to win your parents over, mainly your dad. Since your mom softened up when she got to know him better. Your dad was a different story. Your dad didn't like his look.

The tattoos, hair, and music he was strictly against. Eddie was used to being treated like that. He was used to people judging him before they really knew him. That doesn't mean he still didn't try to get your father's approval because he did. All the time, with little to no luck.

You noticed Eddie had been in his garage all day. He said he had to give his bike a quick tune-up, but that usually only takes a few hours. He's been out there since this morning. You look at the clock, and it's now going on 4 pm. Julie has been home now for just an hour or so. She wanted to get ready in time to introduce you to her boyfriend.

You know he's nervous about meeting Julie's boyfriend. He doesn't want to seem like some weird overbearing parent. This is her first serious relationship, it seems like. Eddie wants to be protective, but he doesn't want to scare the guy off. He doesn't want your daughter to hate him.

A loud knocking knocking at the front door tells you he's here. Before you could even leave the kitchen to answer it, Eddie somehow is already there.

He swings open the door and is met with a guy not much taller than him. He has short dark hair with a denim vest similar to his old one. Various pins and patches littered all over it. He was wearing an old Slayer shirt underneath with black boots.

Eddie eyed him curiously. "Whooo are you?"

"Oh, I'm um, Noah...Julie's boyfriend." He held out to his to shake Eddie's. His other hand held some flowers in it.

Foot steps come running up next to them both, and it took Eddie a moment to process who they belonged to.

"Dad, this is Noah." Julie took his hand and brought him inside.

"Right-nice to meet you." He finally shook his hand back as he walked past him.

Eddie was stunned. The second he saw him, he got instant flashbacks of when he was younger going to meet your parents for the first time. He wanted to hate the guy. He wants to be this tough, hard ass to him. But now he can't bring himself to do any of that.

"Eddie, come help me with dinner." You whispered.

"Yeah - Yeah, okay, I'm coming." He shook his head and smiled to himself.

"He bought me flowers." You pointed at the vase holding the bouquet.

"So i buy you flowers all the time." Eddie shrugged, still trying to keep up the facade that he doesn't like the guy.

He grabbed a knife and helped cut up some onions. He looked out the window in front of him and watched your daughter and her boyfriend outside. You stopped what you were doing to focus on them, too. You saw how Eddie's eyes had softened when Noah put a little buttercup flower behind her ear.

You and him instantly had memories flooding in from your earlier years as a couple. Where Eddie would find a pretty flower and put it behind your ear. Or how he would lay with you for hours looking up at the stars. You could see he was getting a little emotional about it. More memories of picnics together in the back of his van.

"You gonna cut those onions or keep zoning out?" You nudged him.

"Sorry, I'm ju- I'm just thinking." He spoke quietly.

You went over to him and rubbed his back. "About?"

"I'm supposed to be a dick head to him, but I can't bring myself to be that way" Eddie kept looking out the window, watching Noah with your daughter.

"Who said you had to be that way?" You looked out to where he was.

He shook his head. "No one... I'm just being over dramatic like usual."

After dinner was over. Noah and Julie were sitting on the couch together while Eddie was sitting in his chair. You were busy getting dessert ready for everyone.

"Hey dad, did I tell you Noah is in a band." Julie giggled.

Eddies face lit up. "No, you didn't. do you play?"

"Uhh, well, I used to drum, but now I sing." Noah informed him. He acted a little shy to even have it brought up so suddenly. He felt put on the spot.

He nods "I used to be in a band too."

"Really?" Noah moved a little closer towards Eddie leaving Julie behind at the other end of the couch.

"Yep, I used to play guitar and sing, actually." Eddie smiled and looked proud to be talking about his former band days again.

"I have some old stuff in my garage where my band "toured" for a bit and my old gear." He pointed behind him.

"Can we check it out?" Noah looked like a kid in a candy store when Eddie mentioned his old gear.

"Follow me," He grunted while getting out of his chair. His knees popped as he stood up. Years of hard work finally taking its toll on his body.

Julie just sat there watching her boyfriend and her dad, leaving her all alone in the living room. You were busy in the kitchen cutting cake and putting the pieces onto plates.

"Guys, dessert is ready!" You jogged to the living room to find it empty except for your daughter.

She rolled her eyes "they're in the garage."

You couldn't help but chuckle.

All day, you had anticipated this first meeting to be a disaster. Now you have your husband and your daughters boyfriend playing guitar together. You know Eddie didn't have a mean bone in his body. Even at his cruelest, he was still considered nice to most.

"Think dad likes him?" Julie crossed her arms, looking annoyed. She was being sarcastic. You could tell by her tone.

You pressed your lips into a thin line, trying hard not to laugh. "He hates him, I'm sure."

You could hear them both screeching from out back. Heavy metal loudly playing, and Eddie's old guitar plugged in. You and your daughter sat eating dessert, trying to drown out all the music. The night ended with Noah being invited back over next weekend. While Eddie was upstairs putting ice on his now sore neck. He forgot his age for a few hours and became that young twenty something man again.

[unstablegoldfish]

[Your Gentle Comfort] 18+

Story Summary: Your interest in boys didn’t really exist in your life. It wasn’t because you were against romance, but mainly for the fact that all the boys in your school were— well, boys. It wasn’t until you met your new teacher and had a relationship growing with him that you realized, you wanted a man.

A New Face - Chap 1

set in 2012

Joel Miller x F!reader - Teacher x F!Student

Warning: AGE GAP: After all it is a highschool student x teacher. Light swearing. Slow burn story. [More will be added as the story progresses. Also please be aware this is my first time writing a fic so the story will come out slower and may not be to tip top shape, I’ll try my best!!]

Word Count: 2.4k

Chapter 2 -> Click here!

Summary: You’ll be starting your last year of high-school. Even though you’re expecting same old, it seems things might have a change when a new face appeared causing changes in your mind set.

———————————————————————————————————————

Summer came and went, and suddenly you were back to your old routine. Wake up, eat something, brush your teeth. Whatever. You swore you could do it all with your eyes closed.

You’d leave to walk to school shortly and it was the only thing you seemed actually happy doing. Minus the go to school part. You always used this time to let your thoughts wander and let music play, it was your way to show strangers that you had no interest in the simple “Hello.” or “Good morning!” said to you on your walk. It’s not that you disliked them, but more for your self isolation you try to keep while moving.

Upon arrival you can see some past friends of yours entering the school doors. Memories of the group flash through your head. They come to a stop when you notice a man you’re unfamiliar with. It was a small school, so you were pretty sure you knew the names of every student and teacher, assuming he was one.

Walking though the halls was always difficult. People loved to stop and chat, but unfortunately for them they’d deal with the consequences that you’d like to show them. You’d plow past them without thinking. You simply didn’t care. You just wanted to come in and out, go home and rest. School was all too much.

You make it to your first class which happened to be learning about the English Language. As if you needed to learn more about it. You then found a seat next to a friend, you glimpse over at the teachers desk. It was the unfamiliar face from before. You’re left curious.

Whilst looking at him, he looked at you too. A smile grew on his face as he nodded his head. Some sort of male greeting you supposed and returned the greeting with a small wave.

“Do you know who he is?” You lean over and whisper to your friend. Seems he wasn’t paying attention to you. Headphones on and though he was physically in the room, mentally? Hell no. You didn’t mind being ignored, you were close enough friends and knew this was a usual occurrence he presented you with. But this time curiosity got the better of you and decided to get his attention.

“Hey, you there?” as you tap his shoulder. He looks up at you confused. He lifts a speaker from his ear.

“Do you know who Mr.NewGuy is?”. He glances at the unknown figure and back at you. Shrugs his shoulders and continues on with whatever world he was in before. Oh well. I guess you’d have to be patient to find out in the next 5 minutes.

Glancing around you notice the room was pretty empty, there wasn’t any posters on the wall or a bookshelf that’s been usually covered in clutter. Just a desk and an assortment of little trinkets that this new teacher must’ve used as decoration. Your favourite was a small sheep figurine. How bizarre.

The bell had rung and it was the cue to start class. The sudden noise of chalk on the board was loud and squeaky as the unfamiliar man had wrote his name on the board.

“Mr. Miller.”

It had a ring to it. It was definitely more solid then the names you’re used to such as: Mrs. Densworth and Mr. Cosby.

“Hello students, If it wasn’t already clear I am you’re new english teacher and I’ll be guiding you through this semesters class.” He seemed confident that he knew how to settle a class. You turned your head and noticed that he had everyone’s attention. He now holds the title of being interesting, to you at least.

“Subjects you’ll be learning are going to be very basic. So I expect top tier work. Some of the topics are; creative writing, composition and your favourite, properly formatted arguments.” The sound of devastation rose in the class.

English being one of your favourites you were eager to see how this would play out. Knowing the stuff you wrote about you were interested to hear Mr.Millers thoughts on your work and see if he truly was a big deal. He presented himself as one, so you crossed your fingers.

“Each morning I’ll be selecting a prompt and I’ll give you some time to write what you think. I’m expecting you all to have paper and pencil by tomorrow.” He gave his explanation clear. Even though this was just a normal routine of things, you couldn’t help but think about the way his voice sounded in your ears. The strict tone made you shiver…you didn’t mind it. You decided to have the upper hand and pull out your notebook and pencil. Show him you were already on top of things.

You could tell he noticed, by the way you looked up and caught eyes.

“Or some of you can already be prepared. I’m in shock.” he let out a soft chuckle and gave u a smirk.

“Anyhow, for the rest of the this class, I’ll be going over some expectations.” He continued to talk but you had zoned out. You just gazed at him while he walked from one end of the board to the other. He was making sure he presented himself loud and clear to the class by making eye contact, but for whatever reason his eyes seemed drawn to yours. Like a magnet. They lasted on you way longer than the rest.

The man only continued to walk, this time past each desk. You felt nervous as he drew closer towards yours. He passes and just from that you got a smell of his cologne. It was nice. Nothing over powering from what you were used to. The males at your school were quite stupid when it came to cologne or deodorant for that matter.

He broke up a conversation in the back and made his way up the rows of desks. He then resumed his rules and what he’d expect from this class. As much as you wanted to float off into the intoxicating thoughts of this new teacher, you still wanted good marks so you tried your best to focus. However the idea of focusing was unimaginably difficult when he kept looking at you with soft eyes.

The bell soon rung, and everyone was gathering their things to get ready for their next class.

“Alright, I’ll see you all tomorrow. Again, you all better have paper and a pencil” he said while most people rushed out, you waited for the scurrying to settle.

Standing next to you he whispers “Thank you for being prepared.” He gave a smile, and you returned it while walking towards the door.

Before you left for good, you made sure to give him one more glance before you left. Your friend appears at your side and started speaking. “Um…Was it just me or was he eyeing you up all class?” his voice filled with concern.

“Who?” You knew he was clearly talking about Mr.Miller, but you wanted him to think you were clueless.

“The goddamn teacher?! He was eyeing you up like you were his next meal. Shit are you ever clueless.” He sighed. But you only began to laugh.

“I don’t know, maybe he was just trying to engage with the class. Don’t look so deeply into things” you sighed. But your friend just stared at you raising an eyebrow.

“Whatever, I’ll see you when I see you.” You walked off to find your way to the cafeteria, this would be your break to do studying in the near future. But for now a snack to fill the time will do. You stood in line, only to see Mr.Miller walk by in the hallway locking eyes again. You looked straight down at the floor. This time It was different when it was unexpected. Flicked by reality you order what you wanted and found a spot to sit and wait.

Your mind starts processing all the information that just happened. A teacher was looking at me…not just looking but STARING. It didn’t really bother you in the way it maybe should have. You just believed that you were looking into it too deeply just like your friend. Your words had a point and you should stick to them.

The bell finally sang its song and you were making it to your next class that Mrs.Densworth would be teaching. You knew this class was going to suck, after all math wasn’t really your forte. Rather than engaging your focus to the words she was saying you drifted off staring at the clock and watched it move forward. One. Tic. At. A. Time. Your thoughts trailed off into other things, those things lead to other thoughts, then those thoughts lead to him. Mr.Miller. Rather than just his voice and the power he seemed to uphold, it was his appearance. His brown greyish hair from the top of his head that made its way down to his face. The thought of his whole physique gave you butterflies. He was built to withstand a zombie apocalypse. If he had to, he’d be able to keep you safe.

Your thoughts cut off by the noise of an irritating voice.

“Hello?? Anyone home??” You realize that Mrs.Densworth was calling your name for the past minute. Everyone staring at you confused.

“Oh, my apologies. What’s the issue?” You swore when you reached to your mouth you were drooling.

“Just for attendance.” She simply replied.

You felt embarrassed, face hot, sweaty palms. You didn’t like when you lost focus like that. But it was hard not to. Especially when you remembered the white button up shirt he wore that had rolled up sleeves, they showed of his forearms, they were thick and powerful… Shit trailing off again.

After writing a few notes down and getting some information for the class it was already time to leave. The day was moving fast and you weren’t complaining. As you walked your eyes were kept wide in order to see your gloomy friend. Unfortunately once traveling through most of the school he was no where to be found. Maybe you’d shoot him a text. No reply.

You didn’t really have many friends in school. Your one male friend was only half a dumbass and didn’t annoy you much so he was safe to stick around. If you were talking to a younger version of yourself right now, she’d be so surprised to know you have a male friend. You always found them a little disgusting or annoying.

You headed to the cafeteria just like you did for second block, only this time for lunch. Being borderline friendless didn’t matter much to you. You didn’t want to waste the time talking about … feelings.

You unpacked your lunch, a green salad and a dish of dressing. You swore the lettuce had mold on it and immediately you lost your appetite. God how old was this stuff? Knowing you now had no lunch upset you a little, but it is what it is.

After re-packing your lunch you sat and listened to music. However, not too loud because you still wanted to hear the conversations some people were having so you could keep up with school drama. Sometimes you’d be able to hear it, sometimes not. As creepy as it sounded you liked just being on the outskirts just so you could watch how people acted. It was somehow fascinating. Though, the parts where they started jumping on chairs and tables wasn’t so interesting. It was down right stupid. If your friend had joined you right now, you knew the two of you would’ve been laughing so hard over it all.

“Animals.” you heard a voice and a chuckle with it. Turning your head it was Mr.Miller. “Hi, sorry if I’m interrupting.” His voice sounded softer. You didn’t expect the man looking as tough as he did before to grow more calm.

“No, not at all.” You remove your earbuds, curious as to what he has to say. He ends up just walking past you and towards the group of animals. The strict tone of his voice reappears

“Get down. I can’t believe you high school students still have to be told how to respect things.” He shouted. The conversations of the room went quiet. There it was again, the shiver sent down your spine from his voice. You somehow loved the way he could silence a room. Not only that, but a room that gave you slight annoyance when they got crazy.

He walks back over to you and conversation from before turned to whispers.

“Sorry— I guess I have two jobs, teaching a class and trying to tell people how to behave.” he let a small smile linger. “Anyways, I was going to ask you for your name.”

Curious as to why, but you told him it anyways.

“Great! Nice to meet you, I only ask so I can use you as an example tomorrow in class. You seem to have your sh- stuff— together.” He gives you a smile and that nod again. Then disappears behind the door.

Your brain started to malfunction trying to assess everything. First, he comes to you randomly and speaks to you softly, then goes into his harsh voice again to break up the wildlife, just to come back and ask your name in a calm manner. This man had heavy emotion control. But you did catch some of it spilling out when he stuttered his words.

I’ve got my stuff together hey?

Just like that the final bell rung. You were so eager to get home to sleep. You found yourself outside walking down the sidewalk. Looking towards the road, you saw him. Windows rolled down and hair blowing with the air. Mr.Miller. You let out a chuckle for yourself because you thought he looked really funny. You wondered if he thought he was in some action movie.

You made it home. Instantly crashing on your bed. It was time to finally rest your brain from this wild rollercoaster day. It was like you spent a whole hot summer day at the zoo.

But as much as your wanted your brain to rest. Mr.Miller was the only thing keeping it moving. Only after a day of seeing this new man, you had already thought of the unthinkable.

You questioned what it would be like to feel his touch.

Was this a crush?

————————————————————————————

Proud of you!! You made it to the end!! I have no thoughts right now but by the fact I called a bunch of energized teenagers “Wildlife”. Yes I’m currently laughing at my own wording. I’m so sorry. Anyways!!! I hope you liked the story! Please do not hesitate to send me any questions or comments :)) I appreciate it all!! Also tips on writing is also appreciated :,) unless what I did was good no idea :,) MORE TO COME!!!

Taglist: @wrathofcats

[silversongcomic]

2018, that was my last post. I've been doing a lot of soul searching the past few years. Life's been hard, but who here hasn't felt the that things have gotten rather tough?

So what the excuse for the absence? Why did I stop drawing) why did I let my comic ROT! Just good old trauma. You know the saying that the grass is always greener on the other side? Well I guess I fell for that old adage. I took a job, closer to home with better pay and seemingly better prospects, and within 18 months it began to eat away at me from within. All my flaws left magnified, my every step under scrutiny. At first you tell yourself to grown up and get on with it, be an adult and learn to cope. But it's taken until now to truly understand that a part of me knew something was wrong and that I was hollowing myself out.

I got pregnant in 2018, had my boy in 2019 which was classified as a traumatic birth. We both nearly died and mainly due to noone hearing my concerns, I knew something was a miss and I was right. I won't get lost in the weeds. Tired and in survival mode I trudged on, went back to work.

Then you spot it, the same pattern, the way the company likes to remove people they don't think are a good fit. No meetings addressing the issue, just cutting their involvement in mainline projects, assigning their work to others, cutting their dept budgets or assigning them unreachable goals and then you see it happening to you, and you KNOW what comes next. It either a 'redudancy' or an off-site sacking followed by a fake ass company wide email about how YOU decided to leave the company to pursue your passions.

I get pulled into a manditory 6 months review meeting to check how I'm doing after coming back from maternity leave, only to served a redundancy marked the same day as my birthday. Happy Birthday to me! 🎉

I saw it coming, but it STILL stung. "It's not you, it's just business" but you know that's not true. These smiling assassins have performed this play by the book to everyone else who wasn't well received or who didn't play ball. But they don't like confrontation, they'd rather the problem just disappeared. They want me to disappear...

Cue COVID!

The chaos, the stress, the fear, the isolation. The world changes, but you're still hurting. The healing doesn't really come. You feel broken and damaged but you have a child to look after, so you're stuck survival mode.

I had not found joy in my creations for sooooo looooooong, and that hurt. The guilt, the anger, the sadness trapped in a loop.

But in the past year or so, I've felt that spark start to ignite again. The path to healing hasn't been straight forward but similar to that of an artist. The wobbly line that climbs upwards so you progress. with leaps and setbacks along the way but the healing is happening and I am starting to recover, I'm starting to feel 'me' again.

Why'd it have to take years? Who knows, but looking back on this blog, my deviantart account, my comic, I'm feeling that enjoy again. That cruel voice in my head quietening. I've lost so much time, or have I? Is this what was needed, this very painful journey or growth? Had that toxic job consume too much unnoticed and this was what was needed to repair? Who knows.

What I do know is that I took a look and decided on what I wanted to be not want people expect. I did the same for my art. The worse part was that I ever let them make me believe my art wasn't good enough. Perhaps I wasn't the right fit, but I and the art was still good.

Getting this out has been healing. And once I hit post it'll feel real. And even if noone reads it, I'll know it out there in the void, it's been aired and I can move on finally and stop dwelling on the past and get on with it all!

If you stuck it out this far, kudos! Give yourself a pat on the back! That was a long read!

[sugarfiendgfx]

Trauma's a bitch ...

2018, that was my last post. I've been doing a lot of soul searching the past few years. Life's been hard, but who here hasn't felt the that things have gotten rather tough?

So what the excuse for the absence? Why did I stop drawing) why did I let my comic ROT! Just good old trauma. You know the saying that the grass is always greener on the other side? Well I guess I fell for that old adage. I took a job, closer to home with better pay and seemingly better prospects, and within 18 months it began to eat away at me from within. All my flaws left magnified, my every step under scrutiny. At first you tell yourself to grown up and get on with it, be an adult and learn to cope. But it's taken until now to truly understand that a part of me knew something was wrong and that I was hollowing myself out.

I got pregnant in 2018, had my boy in 2019 which was classified as a traumatic birth. We both nearly died and mainly due to noone hearing my concerns, I knew something was a miss and I was right. I won't get lost in the weeds. Tired and in survival mode I trudged on, went back to work.

Then you spot it, the same pattern, the way the company likes to remove people they don't think are a good fit. No meetings addressing the issue, just cutting their involvement in mainline projects, assigning their work to others, cutting their dept budgets or assigning them unreachable goals and then you see it happening to you, and you KNOW what comes next. It either a 'redudancy' or an off-site sacking followed by a fake ass company wide email about how YOU decided to leave the company to pursue your passions.

I get pulled into a manditory 6 months review meeting to check how I'm doing after coming back from maternity leave, only to be served a redundancy marked the same day as my birthday. Happy birthday to me! 🎉

I saw it coming, but it STILL stung. "It's not you, it's just business" but you know that's not true. These smiling assassins have performed this play by the book to everyone else who wasn't well received or who didn't play ball. But they don't like confrontation, they'd rather the problem just disappeared. They want me to disappear...

Cue COVID!

The chaos, the stress, the fear, the isolation. The world changes, but you're still hurting. The healing doesn't really come. You feel broken and damaged but you have a child to look after, so you're stuck survival mode.

I had not found joy in my creations for sooooo looooooong, and that hurt. The guilt, the anger, the sadness trapped in a loop.

But in the past year or so, I've felt that spark start to ignite again. The path to healing hasn't been straight forward but similar to that of an artist. The wobbly line that climbs upwards so you progress. with leaps and setbacks along the way but the healing is happening and I am starting to recover, I'm starting to feel 'me' again.

Why'd it have to take years? Who knows, but looking back on this blog, my deviantart account, my comic, I'm feeling that enjoy again. That cruel voice in my head quietening. I've lost so much time, or have I? Is this what was needed, this very painful journey or growth? Had that toxic job consume too much unnoticed and this was what was needed to repair? Who knows.

What I do know is that I took a look and decided on what I wanted to be not want people expect. I did the same for my art. The worse part was that I ever let them make me believe my art wasn't good enough. Perhaps I wasn't the right fit, but I and the art was still good.

Getting this out has been healing. And once I hit post it'll feel real. And even if noone reads it, I'll know it out there in the void, it's been aired and I can move on finally and stop dwelling on the past and get on with it all!

If you stuck it out this far, kudos! Give yourself a pat on the back! That was a long read!

[guardian5tiger3]

Incase anyone is curious about who I am.(I've been drinking margaritas for hours so have mercy this is kinda sloppy) i am a girl. I'm 19 years old.i live in the Midwest (America). I was a victim of childhood abuse and the first 18 years of my life were extremely traumatizing. Yep I got one good year so far and I spent most of that year and technically another half of a year or so homeless but it was very fun. I definitely have a very outside of the box way of thinking about life compared to most people who live in society now. Anywayy. the reason I am still alive today and doing any better at all was because I decided all the struggles I was having to go through were worth overcoming in order to help other people. Therefore yes I am very sympathetic and in my soul I am a healer. I've healed myself from some of the worst things in order to learn to help others do the same, and to gain knowledge to help people know and understand the truth on how this world works. I am a major optimistic and see this world having the potential to be a paradise. Tied into that I am very big on letting nature rule over us and to not be so abusive to it as we've been doing. I advocate that humans have extraordinarily wonderful and unmeasurable potential and we do not yet embrace that even half as much as we should and could. I have a calico cat, and I spend a majority of every day listening to music. I also paint. I am an advocate of psychedelics use. I have always been extremely into philosophy and wisdom. I have a very old soul. I'm trying to find the best way at this point in my life to share everything that I know about the world with as many people as possible. :) I am a victim of mkultra and abuse from a Catholic church. CIA experiments and stalking. And a lot more. because my family is involved with these things. I was sex trafficked in Arizona as a child and met other kids going through that as well. as many kids are victims of that specifically where there is desolate land areas. Mainly the south and middle of the country here (involved in the "pedogate" system whatever you want to call it. Illuminati. US Government. elites. All the same in a way. By this you can probably tell I have big goals in life.

Also my name is Shauntay and I plan on changing it due to it's negative connotations. My oldest friend calls me Miko so that is a nickname I still am sometimes called by.

And if anybody wants to be friends. Message me. If anyone needs advice or help that I can provide, message me or send an ask so hopefully other people can and will share advice as well. Or even just general support. I would hope that everyone that interacts with this page communicates with eachother as my collective readings do show that you all have a lot in common and a lot of us go through similar things at very close times. One love!

[thisisjustthoughts]

Okay i know everybody has been going on about how great the casting of the shadow and bone series is, but there is just something that has been bugging me about it, and i finally know what it is!

For like forever i was so confused because yes they are absolutely accurate to their descriptions in the book, from the way they look to their character and the way they are played but i just always thought there was something off about them, specifically the six of crows cast. Turns out, its their age. Like, in the books, they are teenagers. They are (i think i didnt fact check this) 16-18 in the books, but are played by actors that are 25-30, so literally double the age they are in the books.

I know thats normal in the film industry but frankly, i am kinda sad about that. Like yes, they are probably better actors than a bunch of 16 year olds but its still annoying. Especially since im pretty sure they are not aged up, because sorry, but despite jack wolfes great puppy eyes, he does not pass as 16.

And i think that takes a lot away from the characters. In the book, kaz is 17 when he is so thoroughly traumatised that he cannot touch people and gets a panic attack that leads to him passing out in a wagon full of people. He is also 17 when he is shown to be absolutely ruthless, basically leading a gang, ripping out a mans eye and then drowning him, breaking into a foreign prison and not caring about anything but his own financial gain (as much of a mask as that is), because he had to learn to survive. But when he is played by a 30-y/o actor, that kinda takes away from his character imo.

Same goes for inej, who is 14 (i think) when she is sold to a pleasure house and then continues to be the best spy in ketterdam, nearly unnoticeable and despite her believe in her saints learned how to kill people effectively, because she had to survive.

and nina, who with 17 has fought for a war, been taken prisoner, nearly drowned, and is able to manipulate everybody to do what she needs them to do, mainly by flirting, because thats how she learned to survive.

And matthias, and jesper, and wylan. I wont go into all of their traumas, but you get the point. All of them had to adapt at a really young age to a horrible world, had so little time to do so, and still managed to survive and kick ass at the end of it, and that makes them so special me thinks. They are absolutely traumatised, but they survived and are still strong. So having them played by 30-y/os is really bothering me, because they do not pass as minors. They look like people in their late 20 who are traumatised, but still had far more time to adapt then the characters actually had.

[lauvrehaus]

Welcome to the LAUVRE!

Greetings! I'm so happy to find you on this side of the internet. This is the LAUVRE and welcome to my Haus. Before anything else, I would like to share first the inspirations that birthed my Haus. LAUVRE is a term coined from three words: LOUVRE, the famous museum in France popular for displaying hundreds of artworks and spanning throughout history including Leonardo Da Vinci's THE Mona Lisa, LAURENCE, my name, and LOVE, which is how it is pronounced.

Aside from being one of our academic requirements, this account is also dedicated to be a museum that will house my life experiences, personal point of view and a portal to share the things that I love and I am passionate about for the world to see.

Now, for my first exhibit, I'd like to formally introduce you to the *artist* behind this account- ME! Hi, I'm Laurence (he/him), the eldest of three siblings and I recently just turned 18 years old. Yes, another virgo just jumped into legality ready to conquer the world. Recently, I also found out that my MBTI personally changed from INFP-T to INTP-T, which I don't know if it's a good thing or no. Anyways, I grew up in a very energetic environment wherein families from both my parents are well represented, which equally influences my culture growing up.

Ever since I was a kid, I have been mainly surrounded by strong female personalities and relatives, which honed my feminine side more than the masculine side. I have always known it in myself that I am bursting with colors from deep within. I am slowly navigating my queer life through surrounding myself with mediums of art, predominantly with pop culture, music and movies. Speaking of which, my friends also know me as the biggest Lady Gaga stan in any circle. How can you get any gayer than that? I am also a long-time campus journalist and it has become my passion to be truthteller and a medium to amplify people's voices through journalism. I'd like to think of myself as a frustrated artist and a visionary trying to express myself in all ways possible.

I have spent my formative years in the hustle and bustle of the metro in Taguig City. There, I built the foundations of who I am now. I was born and raised in a highly-urbanized and competitive environment where everyone is competing to be on top, but I can tell that I have enjoyed every bit of it. That's why I found it hard when we permanently moved to Borongan in Eastern Samar where I currently reside. It is complete opposite of what I've been used to for the first 14 years of my life. It's like my world took a 180° turn. It felt had to leave everything behind and start all over again.

Soon enough, I have learned to love my new home without the need to forget where I came from. Borongan game the balance I didn't know I needed. It was in Borongan that I saw the serenity and simiplicity of life in the province. That big move gave me a chance to look for ways to improve myself in more ways possible. More opportunities came my way especially in academics. Ihave bren to national competitions and other multiple recognitions inside and outside the academe. I also met new people that aided me in adjusting and building a new homr for me. Maybe, Taguig was becoming too small for my ever-growing being, and I am meant to cross the sea to really expand my world.

Now, I am currently taking up Bachelor of Arts in Communication as a freshman in Eastern Samar State University and taking every step I take as a learning opportunity and an invitation for the betterment of myself, including this blog.

This is just the beginning of everything. I hope to share more moments with you and grow together as I take you with me on my journey. That is all for now. See you next time!

With love,

the LAUVRE.

[ringo-ichigo]

To add: it has been proven for at least 40 years that is all the 18-30s voted, they would essentially outvote the older citizens because they mainly vote liberal and there are more of them. They don't want the younger generations to vote because they are terrified of your power. Do not let them convince you that you have no power and your vote is meaningless. Vote because you do have the power and they're afraid of what you do with it.

As far as the "everyone is old" worry. Guys. That's why a vice president is on the ticket. If anything goes wrong (the president dies in office, becomes unfit to serve permanently, becomes unfit to serve temporarily), the vice president becomes President (or Acting President depending on circumstances). This has happened before. Lincoln's assassination, FDR's final term, even during some failed assassination attempts and medical emergencies, and more. We will survive the age problem. Don't change your vote or just not vote just because of that. View your vote as a vote on vice presidents instead if it makes you feel better. But please vote. Republicans have made it very clear that they are in favor of undoing many civil rights, ignoring the separation of church and state, and suppressing voting (and thus suppressing the people).

But also look into your Congressmen and women. Look at how they've voted in the past. Decide if you still want them or not. Look at your state level and local politicians. Decide if they should stay or go. Look into any newcomers and decide if you think they will be a good replacement. Don't forget that there is more to US government than just the president and federal. Remember that the heartbeat bills are coming from state legislatures not the federal one. Remember that your local courts are where some of the legal cases that go to the Supreme Court start. Remember that our government doesn't end at Washington DC.

Learn from history. Do not repeat it because you didn't look at past mistakes. Yes, it's hard sometimes to get involved. But your future is in the balance with every election. So even if it uses energy, find some to spare because it's your life on the line. Act like it and vote. Register, find your polling place, get an absentee ballot if you need to, make your voting plan, and vote. Remember that your job is not allowed to prevent you voting. Remember that there are other options besides in person. Whatever method you vote by is a valid and secure vote (provided it came from your local election board. Do be aware that a few scammers will try stuff. Most of the options can be found via the internet from actual .gov websites and even applied for online.) But whatever choices you make, please vote like your vote matters. Do not act like this is pretend or your vote won't count. It does. Vote like your vote could be the one that everything hinges on and is powerful. Because it is and anyone who tells you otherwise knows that and is afraid of you.

Saying "voting doesn't matter" might reach your younger peers online but it certainly hasn't reached Clangus Hargbarg who was part of the kkk in 1951 and still sends in his ballot. He hasn't missed a one.

[openingpandorasbox1]

Part 1 - Alcohol

ALCOHOL

                Australian drinking age is 18; however, I didn’t start drinking when I turned 18 because I was a goody goody and was afraid of alcohol. On my 18th I had three people over to celebrate with me, it wasn’t a party or anything like that it was a low-key event. Someone brought a bottle of wine and they were drinking it but I was wary of it so I didn’t. I didn’t get ID straight away, I waited. I didn’t get ID until I was roughly around 20-years-old, mainly because I wanted to go out and see bands live, which we did. Sharon would drink beer and so I drank a beer as well but I didn’t drink all of it because I didn’t like the taste. My brother and my dad drank Jack Daniels and that’s the alcohol drink that I liked so I just stuck with that one. So when we went to see a band or attended a party or nightclub I would stick with that one.

                I have had wine and have tried other alcohol beverages as well, but they get me drunk, and at least with JD, it doesn’t make me drunk. I’ve been drunk before, many times, but when we were in our 20s we would go out and drink Sambuca’s or something I don’t usually drink and that’s what makes me drunk and sick afterwards. This is why I prefer to stick to the same drink.

                Sometimes when I go to a particular event the choices are limited, it’s usually either wine or beer. There have been many times when Sharon or Melissa have persuaded me to drink something I didn’t want to drink; they were always throwing drinks in my face. Melissa was known for drinking mixed drinks and she would get extremely drunk. I don’t associate with them anymore so I rarely drink now. I remember everything when I’m drinking and I remember everything the next day. I remember what I have said and done and I also remember what other people say and do. I’ve never blacked out and I’ve never forgotten what had happened the night before. I remember everything. It’s good in a sense because I know what I’m doing, I’m in control of my own behaviour and I know what other people are up to which has most likely kept me safe. However, that could be because I’m a slow drinker. People drink faster than me, so I don’t drink as much as them. I’m also an easy drunk, I can get drunk on 1 or 2 drinks - I don’t need to drink a lot. I wouldn’t say ‘drunk’ as in drunk, but tipsy.

                I am a social drinker and I don’t drink at home, even if I am in company. If I’m in a party at someone’s home I will drink. I don’t drink alone or when I’m at home. Some people like to drink at home, I don’t.

                When I was aged in my 20s and I was going out to nightclubs I would drink once a fortnight. When I was in my aged in my 30s I drank less and went out less often, and when I got older, probably 5 times a year (probably less than that). If I go out in a social situation I have a few drinks, but 4 at the most, or less than that.

                When I was young I used to look forward to going out and having fun, I always had an optimistic mood when we planned to go out with a group of friends; I always thought perhaps I will have a fun time. I was always optimistic that ‘this time will be different’ and I would have a good night out. I used to have fun when I was in my 20s, because everyone was out socialising at that age; so I had better people around me. When you get older, people stop going out or they move away. When I got older I was socialising with people who drained me. It’s hard meeting new people, especially for me. I’m sure there are good people out there. I don’t want to force people to be friends with me, and these days I don’t think I have even the energy to have new relationships with people. I also can’t go back to that lifestyle where I’m going out at night, having fun and drinking. That’s not me anymore; I enjoy being by myself and doing things at home. I’ve learned as I’ve gotten older, that I’m happier and more content when I’m by myself. I’ve just had so many negative experiences with people that I prefer being at home. At least they can’t hurt me when I’m at home.

At this point, I feel that I am better off alone. I’ve been optimistic all my life and in return, I’ve been met with constant disappointments. I’m tired and don’t have the energy. I’m more at peace away from people. I am happier.

                When I used to socialise at Panthers Leagues Club I drank more than usual because that club is boring and I feel when you are around toxic individuals you want to drink more. I’m not around toxic individuals anymore, well I am but I try to avoid toxic companies as much as possible. The less toxic people I’m around, the less I drink.

[basedandlovepilled]

my lore under the cut LOL

i've been working on healing from childhood trauma and shit but one thing i still have a hard time talking about is being medically abused as a child. like, mainly i can't talk about it because i literally can't remember it. i get headaches trying to remember huge moments in my life that i know happened from photos or stories but it's completely lost to me. i was taking so many pills from the ages 10-18 that my brain just became swiss cheese.

but the things i DO remember are even harder to talk about. like, i remember having a panic attack at 11 years old that resulted in me getting my ass beat for causing a scene, followed by a sudden appointment with my doctor who prescribed me hydroxizine for my anxiety. at some point my mom took me back and told the doctor the meds were making me overweight, so i stopped the meds. i got better at hiding my panic attacks. i thought i was getting better.

when i was almost 13, i had another panic attack/mental breakdown. i remember this one very vividly as well--my mom sitting on the couch in the living room, my dad watching tv on the recliner, and i was literally crying and screaming and banging my head into the wall. i don't remember what triggered it, but i remember how my parents responded to it.

"look at me. right here." my moms voice. she was laughing. i made eye contact with her phone camera before i saw her face. she looked like a literal cartoon villain when she told me, "i'm recording this to show you later, so you see how ridiculous you look." i started seeing a therapist after that. i was prescribed prozac after my first visit.

i was constantly fed the message that "your mental illness is unmanageable without medication," AND "psychiatric medications will ruin your life." every time i "got better" after a few months on prozac, my mom would say something like "the meds are making you gain so much weight, that can't be healthy. you're doing fine, right? you don't need those anymore." and would get rid of the pills and send me to church camp. going cold turkey on prozac every few months from ages 12-14 was fucking awful. my mom tells me i hardly even went to school at that time because i was so sick. everything was a haze back then. i just remember so much shame and guilt and nothing else.

and while all that was happening, i was also being constantly tested for other diseases and shit. over and over again, i would get ultrasounds and blood tests and stool samples and scans and x-rays. i got so many diagnoses but none of them explained why my mom hated me so much. we were all so confused and so desperate to know what the hell was wrong with me.

and i'm sure i just seem like i'm whining abt old shit but like. this shit haunts me. learning to trust medical professionals again is fucking hard. and even still i'll have episodes where i flush all my prescriptions down the toilet because taking them reminds me of the lack of control over what goes in my body i had my entire life. or i doubt if i even need them at all. after being given so many diagnoses from so many different people that it just all feels so meaningless. and it's so fucked up too cus like i literally wouldn't be crying abt this shit as an adult if my parents were just fucking normal

[lunarsun12]

Turn That Frown Upside Down

Masterlist

After the incident at the nursery last week, where Chan has to diffuse the problem and as well deal with an angry parents. Poor guy, doesn’t catch a break as he is currently dealing with Hyunjin trying to sue him for not giving him money.

Chan and Hongjong, decided to band together and once and for all put an end to it. FYI Hongjong is mainly there for the entertainment, it is mainly Chan actually trying to help.

Will the two bunnies make up?

Chan Created The Chat

Turn That Frown Upside Down

Today 18:00

Bangchan🐺: Why are those two not here yet! I wrote a cat emergency, Minho gotta come

Hongjong🏴‍☠️: I just wrote, I want meet him to meet a new friend

Bangchan🐺: That works?

Hongjong🏴‍☠️: He is too smart not to fall any tricks, apparently the children play tricks on him. I don’t see the issue of the kids honestly

Bangchan🐺: Are you sure, they aren’t just plotting something you know. To make seonghwa mad?

Lee Know🐱: IM HERE WHERE IS THE CAT EMERGENCY

Seonghwa🌸: Hongjong? Why are they are here ESPECIALLY him

Lee Know🐱: YOU AGAIN! I’m gonna murder all your kids for whatever the reason they done this time. It better not be Innie, I already lost Lix!

Bangchan🐺: You two calm down, me and Hongjong decided to create this chat. To help you guys to overcome your issue with eachother

Seonghwa🌸: I don’t have any issue, it’s old cat man who have issue…with a tendency to kill me

Hongjong🏴‍☠️: I hide when that happens, that what I am good at

Seonghwa🌸: At the time when I needed you help the most…so helpful -_-

Lee Know🐱: OH YEAH! You somehow always in my business!! Haven’t I been through enough in high school

Lee Know🐱: AND CHAN SHUT UP! IF IT WASN’T FOR YOU! I would have been dating Jisung!!

Hongjong🏴‍☠️: Oh wait, he is that person who lost the mr popular guy at high school. You hold a grudge for so long…you have issue

Seonghwa🌸: Wait a second? Are you just jealous because I won and you didn’t?

Lee Know🐱: Who said I was! You stole it from me! If you haven’t transferd end of the school year! I COULD HAVE WON!

Hongjong🏴‍☠️: Can’t help that my hwa is handsome 😌

Bangchan🐺: Hongjong aren’t you supposed to be helping? And not make Minho mad?

Seonghwa🌸: Are you for real? You hold grudge for that long? I envious of you for being in tele!! Also have seen the comments about your visual

Few mins later…

Lee Know🐱: Oh wow erm this is awkward…

Bangchan🐺: Did you not check the comment?

Lee Know🐱: I ignore them unless they are complimenting my cats

Seonghwa🌸: See I’m innocent, learn to get your facts right

Lee Know🐱: I’m sorry that I overreacted and causing a huge a scene at the nursery last week

Lee Know🐱: Since we got this sorted! I have been holding this for long!

Bangchan🐺: N-no please don’t say it

Hongjong🏴‍☠️: I get the tissue

Lee Know🐱: YOU ARE SO HANDSOME! CAN WE BECOME BESTIE!!

Seonghwa Left The Chat

Hongjong🏴‍☠️: Dating Jisung?

[welcometotheanxietyexpress]

This kinda' gave me an idea and here me out for a second.

Either Octavia runs away from home or she get's put up for adoption because she was a girl and the heir had to be a boy so Stolas had to ditch her when a male heir was born, the idea is that Via is 14/15 at the start and she is up for adoption at the time that blitzø goes to the Hellhound adoption center to get a Hellhound, she is left there because It's an easier place to hide an unwanted goetia, and besides she will get put down at 18 so it's convinient.

(I'm gonna go with the former cus' It makes more sense)

When Blitzø goes there Loona isn't there (IDK how to write her out) and he sees Via, he noticed how small and cornered she looks in comparation to the other hellhounds, she looked frightened, he asks the lady in charge about her and she says "oh Octavia, yeah some royals came in and drop of barely a year ago, said that they don't need her anymore or somethin' and just told us to treat her like any other Hellhound, but between you and me, she won't make it another month, the others pick on her cus' she can't defend herself so she can barely get some food, if you ask me, She isn't gonna' amount to anything useful". And immediately after that he adopts her.

Blitz and Via don't have the best start, mainly because Via is terrified about what's gonna happend to her, but after some time they genuinely bond, Via loves blitz old clothes and cd's and blitz makes space so that Via can get some plants in the apartment and with time they consider eachother doughter and father, as if they were always that. Sure, Via does miss Stolas and Stella and even her old house, but she starts to realize that she prefers the crampt up apartment to the cold palace walls everyday, she favors the dad that drops his job the second she might be in danger and teaches her to defend herself, instead of the parents who are always busy with the royal life and can't spare a second for her doughter. And Blitz loves her to bits, she's his little girl that has taught him how to grow emotionaly because she needs him, the owlette whom he tresures more than he hates himself, who convinces him to stop bluring himself in pictures cus' she is worried about him and the little girl who brings the best of him so he can protect her.

So about the book, blitz gets the idea not because of his past with stolas, but because he sees Via doing magic and he wants her to have the means to learn it properly, when he asks her about the magic he tells him about The Grimoair and where Stolas keeps it and right there and then blitz has the idea of stelling it. They map out the castle based on Via's memories of the place and the make an actual sucesfull heist.

While Via is practicing with the book she discovers a spell to keep them hidden from the goetia family, basically making the spells untrackable and it's Via who proposes going to the human realm to gain notoriety. At first blitz is against Via getting involve on the job (she's no older than 16) but he gets persuaded when Millie and Moxie suggest that she becomes a secretary and just help that travel, instead of participating in the killing, so he reluctantly agrees, besides Via gets to practice magic so win win, and that's how they start.

I know it's a bit of a rant, but I really enjoy the idea, especially because it help both characters getting proper motive to better themselves and some actual character develoment, like:

blitz wanting to go home at time cus' Via is still young, and thus' working on his coping methods so he gets to be with her.

Via working on her abandoning fear, because even tho' the Goetias left her to die, she has a wonderful dad that checks on her every chanse he gets and who has everything on the calendar so he dosn't forget anything important and Moxie & Millie that make sure she learns about diferent things, moxie with the hole "fancy" stuff and millie teaches her about about how to deal with creeps and is more of a mother figure to her.

Blitz talking about his problems to his doughter so she doesn't feel like it's her fault about blitz comitment issues and Via getting constant reasurance that nothing that her dad does should afect their relationship, unless she wants that change.

Blitz who learns to apologise, not because he's doing it out of pettiness, but because her daughter wants everyone to see what an amazing father he became and how much better he is, and most of all, to help her dad realize that it's not always his fault.

Again, sorry for the rant but I love this idea.

Loona and Octavia have had one very brief, extremely short conversation where Loona just said “get over it. At least your dad hasn’t disowned you” and via just said “okay” yet thousands of people call them “sisters??”

I actually think Loona abuses and beats Blitzø up as badly as Stella does to Stolas, including throwing objects and backhanding. But it’s funny when it happens to Blitzø??? He even does the same placating behaviour holding his hands up, that stolas did in looloo land.

If Octavia moved in with these people it would just be more domestic violence terrifying her. She looked scared when Loona kicked him after they reunited. Stolas looked worried at his injury but said nothing. As if Blitzø just deserved it?? Then stolas the shitty dad, gets a hug!? It wasn’t Blitzøs fault he didn’t see Octavia break in, or that he simply asked Loona to try at her job and not take it for granted. Then to top it off he was scared to call stolas because stolas might hurt him next. Holy shit he was mistreated terribly. With fans saying ‘that’s what you get for Ozzies’

That moment at the end though was so weird and toxic, I think it’s everything wrong with the show. Blitz and Via wrongly blamed for everything. Is women abusing men funny or not to you, show? Because just like Stella, Loona had no choice but to accept Blitzø as her dad and she has trauma. But you guys said trauma isn’t an excuse? Apologism even? With Twitter user dreamer even saying that “not believing women can physically abuse men like stolas is misogyny actually” and “Stella is the most violent person to exist” (Viv approved btw, wow) but Loona isn’t???

Octavia deserves better than Stolas, better than Loona, better than this show. So does Blitz. We all deserve better.

[cosmicforesty]

Memories / notes;

Personal;

I would've been born around 1910-1920s. I had my parents and a younger sister. I didn't have much contact with my other family I think. I remember really caring for my sister. I specifically remember my father being a slightly more important man. Maybe within the military or politics, I don't know.

I grew up a bit outside of the city, I have blurry memories of living in the countryside, especially as a child. We must've moved to a city at some point, because those memories are eventually replaced with large cities and streets.

I was teased for being fairly small at least in my younger teenage years.

I think I did sports, however I don't remember which? It was not soccer/football, not boxing or anything else that's pure muscle strength.

- A female with brown hair

- a man with blond hair, taller than me for sure. I really liked him, enough to feel shame. I think we fell apart when I joined the army.

I really liked dogs. I remember patching one up once, his paw was hurting. I wasn't a medic nor a vet, I had no clue what I was doing, so I just wrapped his paw in some fabric.

Military;

Joined the military around 18 years old? I technically enlisted willingly though I remember mainly doing so because I figured I needed to and should.

Army/Heer, Wehrmacht

I could've sworn I was some kind of gunner, or whatever it would be called. I handled firearms mainly? I remember the weight of some.

I have very vague memories of at least seeing the outside or maybe inside of a camp??, I don't know which one though I believe it was IN germany. I don't remember if I maybe worked there (or was wanting to/training to/etc) for a small period of time or if I simply passed by enough for it to be engraved in my memory. Most likely the latter...?

Could be that my dad worked there and that's how I remember. Who knows.

I struggled to sleep, I developed a lot of stress and paranoia.

Then and now;

I remember believing just about everything I was told, especially from my father or my superiors, because I was taught to listen and respect them. And I ended up with some really gross views, I genuinely did think some people were simply better than others and in a very harsh way. I thought what my country was doing was right, and it was for the best. I believed a lot of what people said.

I don't anymore, I'm a lot more critical. I've learned to take information and do my own research, etc. however I do still struggle with sometimes simply just going along with what's the norm, at least publically, because I'm still really nervous about how people would react or treat me if I act or think differently. I'm working on it, though. I absolutely do not tolerate anything bigoted, anything that would be considered racist, homophobic, sexist, etc etc. So me following what's popular is a little more...innocent now. I don't let it go too far I think.

I still "struggle" with homosexuality (I use the word struggle loosely), though in this life, I've accepted myself a lot more. I no longer feel as much shame or fear, though I'm sure a lot of that is because of the time and place I'm currently in. I no longer need to hide that because I am no longer in risk of losing my life.

I still struggle a bit with my confidence.

I'm a lot less athletic now, less strong and less coordinated. I know that can be learned, though, but it doesn't feel as natural anymore.

I still love nature.

I'm able to feel a nostalgic love towards music I don't think I ever allowed myself to indulge in nearly as much before.

[animavestria]

An update;

I haven't been here for awhile now, to whomever it is that is reading this, I hope you learn something from it.

knowledge is forever in our favor.

Hi old self, it's your future self hermione. you've been gone for some time now, you graduated high school, you'll be 19 in four months. you made it to 18, your mother is still in her ways but don't you dare lose your hope, because under all the hate she's gathered along the years, you've taught her to let it go bit by bit, to be patient with her self. to love and move on. And along with you being the parent in this situation you are learning to love yourself too. dear old self it's going to be very fucking hard. life is fucking hard, but you know what? you are still here, you are beating every odd, you left your old job which had you locked in for a year and one month. you realized it was losing every inch of sanity in you. you needed to touch grass, as some would say... lol. but overall you are healing. OH! and here comes a surprise, you joined the marines. NOWWWW let me tell you before you freak out and splatter your green tea matcha with extra sweet cream foam everywhere that you are broke but never broke for Starbucks real quick.. remember your writing career? YEAH you're going to pursue it, as much as everyone told you why this why that? why be a marine when you want to be a writer? well first off I love my family but they'll never see it in my perspective (maybe some) but still. you are doing it for yourself. you are going to fucking make it. I promise you to god you will be okay. all those days where you'd cry yourself to sleep are NO MORE!! hoorayyy, well of course there'll still be sad days but not as much as before. now let me tell you why you're joining; you're joining because of school mainly, you either want to go to Oregon state or NYU in New York City. the big apple. in pursue to major in creative writing and have an apartment with as many plants as you want, some cats and dogs, and most of all for your happiness.

look... you will hurt though. everything you are doing will continue to challenge you, because remember; this is what you asked of.

the marines is a chapter that's begun, your dad is proud of you, as the eldest you've gained his word, you've matured and spoke to him that this is truly what you want. to fill in that older sister role and in hopes have my siblings walk the path I've laid out behind me and be a even better person then what I'll be. trust me you will be fine. oh random thing I forgot to say. You bought yourself a MacBook Pro lol.

when it came in the mail, I promise you man the tears were real. because old and future self know that this was something that genuinely would prove to you that you fucking did it.

Aside the computer... there is one this that you don't have anymore in your life.

that is your best friend. you tried so much to save it before you get mad. shit sometimes just does not work out and that is okay. you left the ball in her court. you told her you wouldn't be tracing over old lessons I've continuously said over and over. sometimes people got to learn on their own to realize what they lost. unfortunately she was one of them. she has to learn. and If you don't set your boundaries straight, the ones you love may even walk past them like nothing. don't let anything slide, it doesn't matter who they are. got it?

.........

....

.....

..

okay okay now what I've been trying to avoid, haha, the love life.

you should be surprised, you meet a person that treats you right. you meet a person with love and compassion all around, a person with their own problems, but is truly willing to work them out together.

but here's the catch....

...............

uh oh...

well you only see him as a friend...

yep that's right hermione, just a friend and nothing else. one thing I will tell old self is to not let anyone touch you if you aren't comfortable, if you are allowing them to do so just because you don't want to be fucked up oh god hermione PLEASE be fucked up. don't let anyone contribute any penny into hurting your mental health and sanity just for their own pleasure. now let me get a grip before I lose you again lmfao. to get right to the point, you realize you are attracted to him as a person, not as a lover. you don't see any future with him but as friends. as fucked up as this may sound you just don't like the way he looks and you know what, that is fine. because you learned to have standards. you learned to have boundaries, to be able to say no and to be honest. to have the courage to tell someone when you think they fucked up. to genuinely speak your mind. I feel as though you never had a grip on that, now you can say you do. I'm happy for you old self. you will do great things. you will be fucking good. now I hope you take the time to prepare yourself for bootcamp cause fuck. you will need it and all those 6 mile runs that leave you almost splattered on the floor with no stop.

anyways I could continue writing, but I'm afraid I could go on for hours and frankly not spend any time with my family.

oh also one more thing about your love life, you are okay being single, you find the peace within it. you go with the flow and whatever comes, comes whatever goes, goes.

I am so proud of you.

-H.R.

[brainslikeme]

Intro to this

Hello,

I have never written a "blog" before or even post something that will have my opinion out on the internet but I have some free time and would like to write. Now bare with me because I was never good in English class or even one to read a lot. So for everyone who has perfect grammar I apologize in advance. I have named this account brains like me mainly because it was one of the only names left for me to choose but also because of what I wanted to write about. If I had just one word to describe myself it would probably be different. Now if you know me then maybe you are reading this and thinking that me being different is full of it but in reality the person who you are when you are with people and who you are by yourself are very different. Very different. When I am hanging out with friends or family I am outgoing, I am talkative, involved and just in general friendly. When I am by myself it is completely different. Granted, normal people don't talk when they are by themselves but this is different. Im shut down, my brain is everywhere. Wether it's thinking about one thing extensively or 100 things extensively my brain is always thinking about something. I don't communicate feelings but truly sometimes I just don't feel feelings. Does that make sense? Writing that doesn't make sense but when I think about it, it does. Now I'm not going to share information about my personal life to explain it but Im sure most of you guys reading this will understand this. Anyways, to myself and how many times I have been told that I can be multiple people at times I feel like I have a complex brain, I have a complex way of thinking of thoughts, feelings, emotions and more. A little bit about myself for context, Growing up my parents were divorced. I have 3 brothers and by no means am I "wealthy". As a lot of kids I grew up having to struggle for some things. My power went out a couple times due to money, we had to store water incase out water got turned off from the city, we bought fast food for our meals because it was easier to afford that than buying groceries. To make that makes sense if we spent 40 dollars a week on meals it was to my mom cheaper to do that rather than drop 250 on groceries for the month. Being an adult now I understand that is completely wrong and we wasted so much money but its just how it is. Up to 18 years old I never ate 3 meals a day, It was usually one or two and it was 90 percent of the time fast food. I played baseball my whole life but was by no means healthy. I vaped, I never drank water, I was terrible in school and I would get sick so often I thought my career was going to be a test subject for diseases. When I moved out I started getting my act together. I began to read, began to eat 3 meals a day that we're healthy, meditated, worked out and learned how to be better. Now by no means am I close to perfect but I think apart of trying to be perfect is starting to be better. So I'm trying. To essentially shorten this down for just in intro on the blog I wanted to release topics or events that happen to either myself or even the world that hopefully Im not the only one who thinks the same about it. Even if its not an opinion you agree with I think its an opinion worth sharing, right? Isn't that what life is about nowadays? Opinions? If you are reading this far I want to thank you, thank you for listening to what my brain is processing this moment. Who knows maybe I post every week or never post again. I don't communicate well, and for me I believe doing this will relieve some stress or thoughts that even for myself I don't need to release.I believe I need to release. Ive struggled with emotions my whole life so who knows, maybe this is a first step to being better.

Thanks,