#i read some of these to my friends and they pointed out how aggressively american some of these were LOL

[bbyobbyo]

seventeen as dads headcanons

content: reader is married to svt, normative(?) family structure, literally just unhinged thoughts, not proofread lol

note: was trying to write an actual fic but then got distracted sorry, dadventeen brainrot is so real

Seungcheol

Super protective “don’t touch my family” dad outwardly

All of his kids’ friends are straight up SCARED of him

But within the household he's the one sneaking ice cream when you say no, albeit guiltily

Shopping trips with him will always result in buying something for them and he is very willing to be taken advantage of

“Babe if I can’t spoil them now, they’re gonna grow up and move out before we know it!”

Tries his best to be handy around the house, but probably makes it worse, ends up calling Mingyu to come fix it

Jeonghan

DEFINITELY a “go ask your mom” dad

This man not only powerless, he doesn't even want the power, he's just here to have a good time and if you say they can't, then sorry kiddo

You can’t tell me that he doesn’t bring up becoming a family prank channel at least once a week

LOVES bragging to everyone else about his kid’s achievements, cannot shut up about them to anyone in a 5 foot radius tbh

His kids definitely talk to him about everything, which is great because he is SO nosy.

Has a list of all their best friends, enemies, and crushes at school somewhere on his notes app for future reference when they come to him for advice

Joshua

The REAL practical joke dad, admittedly made them cry a few times when they were younger and felt really bad about it

Perfect sweet husband and father in image, all of his kids know he’s actually lame af

Dominates the summer barbeques, UNDISPUTED GRILLMASTER

Super dependable, will drop everything if his family needs him and never goes back on his word

Gives surprisingly good fashion advice

Jun

Definitely walks around the neighborhood with his baby in a sling carrier strapped to his front, POINTS AT EVERYTHING OF INTEREST

When they start learning how to speak he adopts all his baby’s weird mannerisms (it started off as a cute joke but then realized he couldn’t stop)

Cries at every baby milestone until they’re like 10

Will not stop bringing up embarrassing childhood moments, especially in front of their kids’ friends/significant others

Cuts fruit for them instead of apologizing

Hoshi

Will fully ally himself with his kids

Like legit would do anything for them. ANYTHING.

I’m talking borderline go to his kid's school to beat up their hypothetical bullies himself sort of dad

The kids can always count on him to say yes if you say no

Absolutely DEVASTATED when they grow out of the tiger stuff he buys for them and become angsty teens

“What do you mean tigers aren’t cool? Do you not love your old man anymore?”

Wonwoo

Quiet doting dad

Definitely more affectionate when the kids are younger but gets into the awkward advice-giving stage when they grow up

LAME DAD JOKES GALORE, groaning is a regular activity in this household

Tries to google basic algebra every time his kids ask for help on math homework because he doesn’t want to admit he forgot everything

Chaotic af unsupervised. “Guess we’re having pizza again tonight kiddos” kinda dad because he cannot and should not cook

Jihoon

Another quiet dad, but make it savage

I feel like he would just love roasting his kids (affectionately of course)

And always overwhelmingly acts of service so his kids know they are loved

Allowance randomly appearing under their pillow, their favorite foods magically stocked in the fridge, always relenting to one last bedtime story no matter how tired he is

Would let you have final say but he makes it really clear he’s on their side and empathizes with them but its out of his hands

“Next time just don’t get caught, okay?” *winks*

Minghao

Loves loves loves just spending time with his babies

Doesn’t matter what he’s doing he just wants to be in the same room as them or cuddling and holding them

Emphasizes equality in your relationship so his kids can grow up with those values and learn to respect others

TURNS EVERYTHING INTO A LIFE LESSON OH MY GOD

Doesn’t believe in allowances but will cave and literally buy them anything they want if they ask

Would rather die than miss any important event (competition, speech, recital, talent show, graduation, etc.)

Mingyu

Absolute super dad, what can’t he do? Nonstop home improvement projects, cooks anything his kids are craving, offers to drive everyone everywhere

But also the whiniest dad ever lol constantly complains about people “ruining his system”

Absolutely FUCKS at the school bake sales, earns them twice the target fundraiser amounts because he's dilf material and knows how to get the moms to spill their pockets

Likes to have the final say, but you’re both usually on the same page in regards to discipline so his kids aren’t getting away with anything

Just the most supportive dad in the universe, the kids learn to never take him for granted

Seokmin

You already know his kids are gonna be spoiled rotten. He will be the favorite parent by default sorry I don't make the rules!!

His arms are the very definition of a safe space

Leaves all the discipline to you because he cannot keep a straight face when delivering a lecture (one time he made them cry and also ended up crying because he felt so bad)

Does so much embarrassing shit just to cheer his kids up when they have a bad day, acts surprised when they tell him he's cringe

Such a pushover that they are probably gonna make fun of him when they're older, but that's okay because they know there's no universe in which their dad will stop loving them

Seungkwan

As long as he can pick them up still, his kids are never on the ground for too long

Two words: SPORTS. DAD.

He could practically captain the cheerleading teams at their school with how many events he's been to

Knows all of his kids’ friends parents, they all get together and have coffee once a month actually

Nags nonstop and complains about everything he has to do for them, but is always diligent and does it without question

Gets so pouty when they start getting embarrassed to show affection, he WILL get his cheek kisses if it's the last thing he does!!

Vernon

Chillest dad in existence?!?

Literally as long as his kids are safe he doesn't give a single fuuuuckkk

“Sleepover? Yeah, call me when you're done and I'll pick you up.”

He WILL argue with you if he doesn't think there's a good reason to say no to them

So cute and encouraging to all their weird hobbies and phases throughout the years. “Lemme see” and “Really? Show me” are regular phrases in his vocabulary

His kids are definitely gonna inherit his legendary facial expressions afnngjdg

Chan

Super affectionate and doting, but also quite strict with them at times

“I just want the best for you, I want to see you succeed”

HAS A PHOTO OF THEM READY AT ANY TIME, lockscreen is a different shot of his kids every day and is eager to show it off even if no one asked

Not so subtly signs his kid up for dance lessons

Just the most encouraging dad ever, makes sure that they know making mistakes are a part of life and that he will always love them no matter what

[doberbutts]

i hope this isnt weird to say but i really appreciate your dobeposting, especially about the history & current disposition of the breed. my mom has had dobermans my whole life and it led me to kinda... really dislike them for years, her last three and current youngster all were/are so nervy and quick to bite unprovoked (thankfully the young girl is coming around pretty nicely, no actual aggressive bites, just still learning to take things gently)

anyway, getting to the point, reading you explain about the breed's history, who dobermann actually was & how they were created & what they were originally bred for, and the way unfortunately the temperament has gotten messy due to that mixing of people wanting dobes to be family pet dogs and one-person protection dogs at the same time, or just try to make them into a pet dog they just aren't cut out to be (my mom is very much one of the former lol) really helped me understand and appreciate the breed. my dad has american akitas, and imho they have a similar issue of people trying to breed them for social, cheery pet temperaments which just tends to go very badly for a very large, high aggression, high prey drive, not suited for the average suburbanite breed like them, and realizing dobermans basically have a kind of more severe extent of the same issue (albeit I'm oversimplifying here) really helped me understand them.

i dont think I'd ever choose to have one, but I've definitely got a lot more respect and appreciation from afar.

so, sorry for rambling and probably being repetitive, hope i made some kind of sense, just wanted to say thank you for being a great breed advocate :)

here's a dobe tax, my mom's ~18 month old little girl, kira. she looks like that because, from what the rescue told my mom, she was from a backyard breeder and had to be removed from her first two homes due to mistreatment. still manages to be a real sweetie most of the time

Hey thanks for the compliment and the dog tax!

It really sucks because I think dobermans can be fantastic pet dogs... to people who want a doberman and all that entails. But a lot of people in the outcross groups I'm griping about want something more like a gun dog or a retriever in a doberman costume, and it's very frustrating to explain again and again that that simply is not what a doberman is.

I'd be all for a doberman outcross that actually respects what a doberman is for! The problem is that there have been very few of those, and most of them started with junk and ended up fairly lackluster in what they produced because you can't shine a turd and call it gold.

Dobermans don't have to be nervy, loose cannon, fear aggressive, bite risk demons. My doberman is not! My doberman before him was scared, but that was largely a socialization problem caused by living 2 years of her life exclusively in a box, and she wasn't dangerous, she just shut down and shivered. My doberman before her wasn't like this. And my doberman before him was, but again with the known abuse in his background from being a court case dog it's likely that he didn't start out that way and didn't need to become that.

It is possible to have a doberman that is actually a really fun dog to have and be around. You just. Have to understand that they are a doberman. My best friend @khayr has a doberman that's a pet, that does not do any sort of protection work. Her dog is very safe to be around! She's a lovely creature and I think well matched to my buddy's needs. But! She's also a doberman! That means she doesn't like the mailman or the UPS drivers! It means when missionaries knock on her door, her dog throws a fit! It means when she's out late at night and someone rapidly approaches her, her dog puts herself between her and the oncoming stranger! Because she's a doberman! She's supposed to do that!

[antraurora]

Hi! I check all of my new followers because I get a lot of bots 😂 found myself pleasantly surprised that you're a person! Woohoo! Welcome back to Tumblr!

Scrolled down your blog a bit and read your pinned and I'm quite curious as to why you think mixing standardized phenotypes (breeds) within a single species (Canis familiaris) is unethical?

Just so you know where I stand on this and the kinds of things I'm interested in you addressing in your reply: I personally disagree. Mixing breeds is how we create new breeds and how every single breed we have today was created. It's also how we increase genetic diversity in modern day breeds that are facing genetic bottle necks.

And yes this is a genuine curiosity of mine where I'm interested in a dialogue because I don't understand your viewpoint and am interested in what brought you to this conclusion.

Looking forward to talking about this with you! 😊

Hello! That is so fair, but I say the bots are part of the Tumblr charm :)

To answer your question:

To be clear, my point was about mixing one established breed with other established breed for the purpose of creating a mixed breed/designer dog, rather than a whole new breed. I absolutely support careful and intentional creations of new breeds! And I also am very much in support bringing in new genetics from other breeds in order to increase genetic diversity. In fact, many of my favorite breeds have recently (past 100 years or so) had some kind of mixing going on. The American Eskimo Dog, Japanese Spitz, and Norrbottenspets are all great examples of that.

What I take problem with is mixing two breeds together, without careful consideration of how the breeds compare, and without careful consideration of the purpose the mix would create.

I will use Bernese Mountain Dog X Poodle crosses for my example, since a friend of mine has one, so I can give real world examples of the consiquenses of mixing 2 breeds togther without this careful consideration.

My friend has a Bernese Mountain Dog X Miniature Poodle mix. His breeder sold him to her at 6 months old, discounted, because of his age. He was sold without any kind of contract, and the breeder has had no communication with my friend since just a week after she brought the dog home.

The dog has a lot of health issues at only 2 years old. He has severe allergies and is on perscription hypoallergenic food and monthly cytopoint injections. He is towed out and has very little rear angulation, which long term can cause joint pain and arthritis.

He is a very anxious dog in general, and is on medication for this. He is also aggressive towards strangers, and has snapped at people, including his owner. I know my friend was very good with socialization after she brought him home, but we do not know what his life look liked for the first 6 months.

My friend initially got a bernedoodle because of her love for Bernese Mountain Dogs. However, they have a short lifespan and are prone to cancer, so she was looking for a healthier alternative. Unfortunately, she was scammed. She got a dog with health and temperment issues.

Sadly this is not uncommon when you mix 2 breeds together without careful consideration. You are mixing 2 different structures, coats, and temperments together. Unfortunely, you cannot pick and choose which characteristic of which breed you get. It's all a gamble.

Many people argue that mixing 2 breeds together creates an overall healthier dog. I disagree. This is a slight oversimplification, but if you mix a cancer proned bernese with a patella luxation proned poodle, 25% of the offspring will be prone to neither (healthier), 50% will be prone to 1 or the other (equally healthy), and 25% will be prone to both (less healthy). And you get added risks of their structure and temperments mixing, which can cause joint/muscle problems, as well as anxiety and aggression.

In my opinion, ethically mixing breeds requires careful consideration. Each dog should be health tested according to OFA standards for both their breed and the one they are being mixed to. Each dog should be temperment tested, and differing temperments should not be bred to one another (say, a golden retriever to an akita. bad idea.) You should only breed to a dog with a similar structure. When breeding mixed breed dogs, there should be a specific end goal in mind. I am not actually against the breeding of the Australian Labradoodle, for example, as there is an end goal of a guide dog for those with dog allergies. And most importantly, buyers should be aware of the health issues present in BOTH breeds, the inherent risks of breeding mixed breed dogs, and should have lifetime support from the breeder.

I hope this made sense, sorry for spelling mistakes (I am dyslexic), and feel free to ask any questions you may have!

[shrimpmandan]

I think at this point anyone who calls themselves a proshipper but is like, staunchly aggressively no-matter-what anti-RPF is either deluding themselves or thinks that the concept of "real people being reimagined as fictional characters" hasn't existed for decades at this point.

Everyone was fucking raving about Hamilton and Clone High barely a few years ago. A lot of extremely famous, influential movies are based off of real people, such as The Wolf of Wall Street. Every single fucking cartoon you've seen that references a real life historical figure like Cleopatra or Napoleon is technically doing RPF to some degree. THE MAGIC FUCKING TREEHOUSE IS RPF.

All this is ignoring how much we WORSHIP AO3, but-- but but, the founder of AO3 very much supports RPF. And by supports I mean they actively WRITE RPF. Tons of American Idol stuff that's all obscenely popular!

Now of course, there's gonna be some people who have a kneejerk rebuttal about how it's "different" with historical figures, that it doesn't matter because they're all dead, or that movies and books are different from fanfiction that may or may not be sexual. Except all of those arguments make absolutely zero sense when you think about them for more than two seconds.

Shouldn't the subjects being dead make it... more disrespectful, on a base level? You could made a valid case that with historical figures, nobody is left alive to mourn them. In comparison, people who have died relatively recently still have loved ones alive to mourn their deaths, and who would very likely be negatively mentally impacted by stumbling across an RPF fic. Understandably so--

but wasn't our whole argument that other people's feelings are their own to deal with, and not our responsibility?

You can make a similar case for serial killers, too. The victims of Jeffrey Dahmer still have friends and family that are alive. I would imagine they wouldn't want to see posts sexualizing or glorifying him-- but I doubt they're seeking out anything related to him /at all/, frankly. And then we're back to point one about how all that matters is that shit is consistently tagged and that people simply don't read what they don't like.

In my opinion, the sole, sound argument against RPF would be sexual RPF of minors. Even if no contact or even grooming is happening: that is still sexual content of a living minor. That is CSEM. That is a completely valid thing to be against. I honestly fail to see why sexual drawings of real minors are illegal, but not writings. Still, writings and drawings do not involve the same amount of /direct/ abuse as 'regular' CSEM and CSA, but making the argument of psychological harm is fair, especially when this is a case of a child being directly sexualized against their will.

But then we're still back to square one.

Don't like don't read.

Honestly, I'm neutral on RPF. I'm against anything that involves a sexualized depiction of a real child, and I'm generally not super interested in or comfortable with reading fics about real people, but it's also not a topic I can just disassociate myself from and say that it's somehow disconnected from proshipping. It isn't. Proship communities are built off of the backs of RPF shippers, like it or not. And honestly, I couldn't care less so long as the shipper in question is still respectful of the privacy of the subject(s) they're writing about. The version of the person they're writing is fundamentally not real, and that's a weird thing to wrap your head around. One could even argue my own reasons for singling out child sexual RPF is hypocritical or contradictory, and I wouldn't disagree. I think having mixed feelings on the subject is understandable. But being completely, over-archingly against it due to knee-jerk discomfort? It just seems a bit silly to me.

[jeweledstone]

More vaguely Pizza Tower related bullshit with everyone’s favorite yandere twink cunt bitch god I hate him

DATE: 10/31/2023 - 11/1/2023

Oh boy, it’s that time again folks! Time for some unhinged self-insert fan fiction-esque nonsense that’d make a wattpad user shudder in fear.

So basically, more shenanigans with Pizzahead/Totino from the hit indie game Pizza Tower and his attempts to kidnap me and turn me into Peppino cause the REAL Peppino doesn’t love him back or some shit like that. For the hopelessly confused, here’s a link to the previous dream post I made regarding this particular plot point. For everyone else, click the read more for the rest of this recounting :)

So, despite my hoping he’d just give up and start stalking someone else, ya boi is still being haunted in his dreams by the cartoon pizza man. RECENTLY he’s even gone as far as BREAKING INTO MY ACTUAL HOUSE to try and abduct me (in-dream of course, not in real life lmao)

One of his more recent appearances happened in a dream I had on Halloween night that was honestly, kinda Halloween themed outta sheer coincidence.

In it, me and my family were camping (a common theme/trope in my dreams for some reason) at this national park of sorts that was famous due to this massive cave it had in it that was EXTREMELY haunted. Like, it was very common for visitors to encounter at least one ghost (or phantom as they were called in-universe) while exploring said cave. My family was stopping to visit said cave before going home when The Bastard™ showed up. I remember he had on this sorta human disguise so my parents wouldn’t recognize him (cause again, mf tried to break into my house in previous dream). He somehow convinced them to let me go in the cave alone with him, claiming we were friends or some other bullshit, and that’s when the shit show truly began.

Now, first thing you need to know about this cave, is how massive it is. At its deepest, the cave went down to about 5000 meters (16404.2 feet for my fellow Americans) below the earth. Naturally, park guests weren’t allowed to go that deep in, you could only go about 10 meters (100 if you’re over 18) before there was some kinda blockade keeping you from going further. Aside from the obvious safety protocol stuff, another reason was because the deeper you went into the cave, the more ghosts you’d encounter, and the more aggressive said ghosts would be.

Either the ghosts or the cave itself also had these strange, reality-bending properties to it that would affect guests who stayed in the cave for a prolonged period of time. One way they liked to fuck with people was by transforming them in ways that often depended on said person’s most prominent personality trait (often causing said trait to be exaggerated as the person’s mental state changed along with thier body). Said changes were reversed once the person affected left the cave.

And…

Guess what happened to my anxiety filled ass when they got a hold of me!

Yep, back at it again with THIS BULLSHIT. Idk if this happened because of PH was there or what, but yeah. Now here I am, once again tf’d into Peppino against my will, trapped in a cave with someone who’s been obsessively stalking me for months now, and one wrong move away from a full blown panic attack. Said panic ended up happening when, at a really deep point in the cave, me and PH were cornered by some really large and threatening ghosts who were definitely planning on not letting us out of that cave alive.

I kinda-sorta blacked out around this part, but from what I could figure out, it was about then that Pep kinda… “took over” and beat the shit outta the ghosts (apparently killing a few some-fucking-how) before making a break outta the cave. I remember “waking up” outside the cave, having already changed back to normal.

After that…incident… life mostly went back to normal after my family went back home, save for some supernatural entities (which were commonplace in this verse) becoming afraid of me due to the whole killing an unkillable entity thing that happened in the cave.

So that’s basically it. I haven’t really seen much of PH since then, but I know he made it outta the cave and is still out there (unfortunately). So, yeah, that’s all folks. See ya.

[myloveforhergoeson]

Uhh... I'd apologize for the wall of text I just left on your new chapter on AO3, but my mother always told me to never tell a lie. ;)

AHHHHH thank you SO MUCH i know it was so long and so much information to take in but im so so so overjoyed that you enjoyed! thank you for taking some time out of your day to write such a thought out and sweet comment 😭 literally my #1 motivator. us james girlies gotta stick together!!!!!!

i know you left the comment on ao3 but i've got a lot to say back so imma take some bits and pieces and write them out here ehehe

"I'd noticed that James seemed a bit hesitant to talk about his parents. Especially his mother. And I saw Roxy wonder if she was the type of girl you bring home to your parents. But I think for her, everything's going to become clearer at Mother's Day. It's not that James is ashamed or anything. I think it's because he loves her so much and he doesn't want his mother ruining what they have. She is a bit... domineering."

YES UGH roxy just doesn't get it bc she has such a good relationship w her dad and mentioned way way back after she broke up with dak that she thought he was hiding their relationship (which he was... but she's just speculating) so she's just a teensy bit freaked out about james potentially doing the same thing. and it's totally like you said, she just doesn't understand quite yet. from what she knows about the diamond family, she sees james' dad as the problem, not his mom. she's in for a ride lol

"But, seriously, side note for these two: OPEN UP TO EACH OTHER!"

mannn they struggle with that don't they 😭 it's so hard to write! not that i'm a perfect communicator in my own relationships but... yeah i remember being 17 and wanting to share ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about myself so...

"Kendall sure knows how to bribe her, doesn't he? And the cheeky payback with Kendall on the ice is so Kendall. I really love how you touched on Kendall being a prodigy on the ice. And of course he was the Captain. I can see it. And the nicknames too. Sir Rounded. Pretty Boy. Tensie. Sensacional. Please, please, PLEASE have the boys refer to each other by those nicknames at some point. Or even Roxy."

roxy and kendall are like brother and sister to me; of course he knows how to get what he wants from her!! especially when joe jonas is involved... but yes!! they talk big hockey game in the show but we never really get to see it; so i wanted to highlight that just a little bit. go captain go! i really don't know anything about hockey irl but i do know that nicknames are a big thing at least in the american league! did my best. if you ask my friends im equally as terrible at nicknames in real life. and don't you worry roxy is definitely calling james pretty boy at some point in the future (she already did in the rockstar au!) but i'll have to find a way to work in the others. did anyone almost catch that kendall nearly told her logan's real name? hortense... 'tensie... oh god she's going to freak lmao...

"Side note: I love how all the hockey guys are super chill. I actually like that image of them being so aggressive on the ice, but actually be teddy bears in real life. (Something that especially fits Carlos.)"

:)))))))) even though they appear for so little in this chapter the hockey boys mean so much to me. if anyone reads my monthly book reviews... well... you know i love a good hockey romance! they're all themed quite similar - the giant, violent sports machine actually has a soft side... god i'm such a sucker for it! james really isn't like that, at least not in the way his friends are, but i gotta squeeze in some self-indulgence in here and there. i named most of the guys after characters from those books! hawkins comes from nate hawkins (icebreaker by hannah grace) ((i know! you can all boo me later)) callaghan comes from russ callaghan (wildfire by hannah grace) graham comes from garett graham (the deal by elle kennedy) miller comes from rory miller (the fake out by stephanie archer) logan (not that one) comes from john logan (the mistake by elle kennedy) and streicher comes from jamie streicher (behind the net by stephanie archer) PHEW!!!! we love a cameo

"And the way Roxy got tricked by Katie was so... that was just glorious. And the way Roxy freaked out when she realized what was happening was great too. This is making me excited for Big Time Crush. Their conversation at the end was such a great touch. I'm glad Katie has that older sister figure in her life."

katie MASTERMIND strikes again... though if she just asked rox would've taken her anway!!! she was just embarrassed... it's hard for her to talk about her feelings when she's growing up with not one, but FOUR, overprotective older brothers! someone left a comment on my wattpad and said they really loved the roxy/katie interactions and i realized they had like. such little time together so i needed to fix that asap! i don't have an older sister, but i am one, so i tried to channel that energy into that scene hehe

"AH! JO SAID THE L-WORD ABOUT KENDALL! Damn. That episode is gonna be even more heartbreaking now."

>:) sorry. had to! bothered the fuck out of me they never said it in the original show soooo

"And the cat's named Hippocrates?! That is such a Logan thing, though. And I love how Logan and Roxy were able to talk to each other about their respective heartbreaks."

eheheh it took me sooo long to come up with a name for the cat, it was originally einstein but we talked about hippocrates in one of my classes the day i edited the chapter and it just felt more fitting... here is the mister in the garden himself. thanks google!

and yess lord i love writing logan and roxy so so so much. out of all of them (even james!) she's most comfortable talking with him; i accidentally made them really similar personality wise and they just get along so well

"Aw, Carlos got Roxy on an early morning run. AND HE BROUGHT A PUPPY! (Her age doesn't matter - all dogs are puppies to me.) Missy sounds so cute! And the way she led the run is so cool. And I'm with Carlos. Keep Missy away from Lightning. He's such a protective dog dad."

MISSY!!!!! you are so right all dogs are puppies and missy is no exception!!!! i read somewhere a long time ago that dalmatians are natural leaders, so i just let our girl have her moment! my dog can be like that too though; she has her favorite walking paths! as for keeping her away from lighting... i think missy can hold her own :) but yes carlos is such a protective dog dad. that's his baby!!!! and here is missy, thank you once again google

"And seriously? James needed to ask if he could kiss Roxy at midnight? Also... can I live in Roxy's dream house?"

yes!! he's a gentleman!!! they were drinking!!!!!! but rox was def thinking the same thing as you hehe. and she's sooooo funny! miss ma'am gets a few drinks in her and she just starts blabbing and blabbing (just like me fr) for anyone wondering what her biggest fantasy is... she's literally living it idk what to tell you. dream job, living in her dream city, dating the hottest guy ever who is so sweet and attentive to her, and he's FAMOUS? not that james needs to know that she thinks that :) lord knows she's going to love the introduction of one direction in the third season...

lmaooo there you go - an equally as long wall of text i am also not going to apologize for... i was bursting with all this information and just waiting for someone to ask loll. you know me. i can talk about my own silly story for hours and hours and hours-

thank you so much again for reading! i'm so excited for the next chapter of take a shot in the dark!!! and i noticed you put in a new section of your ao3 for kaelyn knight stories? are we getting short stories in the future!? ahhhh!!!!!!

[cordycepsfem]

I am with you on the need for a more prominent anti pedophilia movement withing LGB spaces.

I think there is a weird problem within the LGBT community where two different groups see issues:

-Gay men have a LONG history of being classified as deviants and pedophiles for normal pieces of life. Consider for instance the aggressive anti sodomy laws compared to extremely lax (or non existent) age of consent and child marriage laws through much of the US until recently. The concern among some (particularly gay men) is the battle cry of "kill sex offenders! Prison for life for groomers!" Is that the definitions of both of those will be legally changed to encompass normal healthy behavior. Consider also how the idea of "child molestation" to most Americans conjures an image of a man molesting a boy, even though girls are MUCH more likely to be molested.

-Creeps and creep apologists (Yaniv, Long-Chu, etc).

There are still some very worrying child marriage laws in the US (and around the world)!

I agree that gay men do face unfounded scrutiny and accusations of being deviants/pedophiles, and that should not be wielded against them. However, I don't think that when gay men see a bill against pedophiles or child abusers, many of them immediately think, "Oh no, this will somehow harm me," whereas the literal first place I saw a post about Florida's child abuse law was in a quote tweet from a trans person complaining about how this would affect the trans community.

The problem there is that there is a very large, bizarre faction of the trans community who are terminally online. They don't see how suggesting that an anti-child abuse bill is "anti-trans" makes trans people as a whole look. I read that and cringed on behalf of my trans friends, who are not terminally online individuals, and who never cross my mind when I think about TRAs online.

The additional point about creeps is that they also make the trans community look bad by association, and many of them do it by exploiting the system. Yaniv got his name changed so it was legal for him to file harassment claims against people who "misgendered" him, and spent untold amounts of Canadian taxpayer dollars suing women of color, most of them immigrants, for not wanting to touch his balls. And it was entirely legal for him to do so!

Long-Chu and "Grace" Lavery wrote books about how being thought of as a woman was a sexual thrill for them, how being a "hole" was all that it meant to be a woman, how women are blank-eyed sex puppets... Lavery even had the gall to name his book about being a woman after his penis. But because they're men-who-claim-to-be-women, we must celebrate them, write articles about them, give them money, allow them to be professors where they teach undergraduates about pornographic writing.

You've got "Erin" Reed on Twitter who screams about genocide but can't read a legislative bill for shit, and "Alejandra" Caballero from Harvard who is made out to be some sort of legal expert but actually got called into the Senate to defend threats he made against the Supreme Court on Twitter (best lawyer). And Kevin "Kathryn" Gibes, who's had two "vaginas" made for him, because he let the first one close up, and if you're a US citizen, your tax dollars paid for both - and his breast enhancements; he makes no efforts to hide any of his fetishes and ties all of them to being trans.

And there's the big rubber boob shop teacher, and every male on a lesbian dating site, and every single individual who has ever made their presence known in a place it was not wanted on behalf of their super important "trans" or "queer" identity - whether it's "gay" trans men screaming about homophobia from actual gay men or "lesbian" trans women talking about how actual lesbians need to suck their dicks.

The problem with this is that there are huge scaffolds in place to support all of this madness, rather than make it meaningful for trans people to exist. There are hordes of mommies trying to trans their children, and because we want to love and protect children, of course that rallying cry about children needing health care must be heeded! And if so many people cry about genocide for so long and so often, there must be some sort of truth! If websites post headlines about trans people being murdered in the streets, without any justification for it being a hate crime, it still must have been one! If a legislator introduces a bill that even whiffs of trans, it's set out to kill all trans people! There's no room to call out weirdoes and creeps because they're driving the caravan.

The LGB should do its best to call out predators and pedophiles, to make our community unwelcome for those individuals, and speak out against situations or bills that look to actually harm gay and bisexual people, and cut off the TQ entirely. I have no doubt there are bad actors in the LGB, as there are in every community, but it is the job of those of us in that community to take responsibility and call them out, not to give them the microphone and let them dictate the score.

[back-and-totheleft]

The Metrograph Interview

MICHAEL M. BILANDIC: I was just telling our friend Gabe that you were the first person to speak to my class at NYU, two weeks after 9/11.

OLIVER STONE: I really spoke to your class two weeks after?

MB: Yeah. Maybe not exactly two weeks, but shortly after. I moved to New York for film school in August, 2001. Then, all of a sudden, this historic event happens. Everything gets cancelled. It’s total chaos. And when they finally bring classes back, they tell us our first visiting lecturer is Oliver Stone. You showed up, you’d come straight from Ground Zero.

OS: Was it a small class?

MB: It was pretty small. Everyone was arguing about geopolitics, Afghanistan, commando units, Bin Laden. And the late underground filmmaker Nick Zedd stormed in and made some unclear accusation about Natural Born Killers (1994) ripping off War is Menstrual Envy (1992). I have no idea what his angle was, but the whole experience was a memorable introduction to film school. Are you still involved with NYU?

OS: I gave a screenwriting scholarship to NYU. Every year people get a certain amount of money if they win the prize as a screenplay writer. I was trying to develop the screenplay aspect of NYU because when I was there, no one took a screenwriting class, except me, maybe five other people. They never had screenwriting as an understanding. Cameras, yeah, but they were not into screenwriting. Anyway.

MB: Education, and particularly the teaching of history, has been a major theme throughout your career. I especially love The Untold History of the United States. In the intro, you describe the disappointment you felt reading your kids’ history textbooks as a catalyst for embarking on your own American history survey. Simultaneously, I’ve been dying to ask you about Dream School (2013-2014), the reality show you were on, where celebrities like you, David Arquette, 50 Cent, and Suze Orman teach a group of high school dropouts in a highly experimental classroom environment. You’re trying to explain the nuances of World War II and Vietnam to these disaffected zoomers. I’m curious about your thoughts on teaching history. Also, what was it like being on a reality show, when it’s a genre you’re so critical of?

OS: I did that years ago! Is it still on the air?

MB: It’s floating around.

OS: It was very strange. That was not satisfactory. I tried.

For Untold History, I came under the influence of my friend, Peter Kusnick, who is a teacher of American history for 30, 40 years now at American University. He’s a very bright man, and a liberal—a real liberal, not a phoney liberal. He’s not a Hillary Clinton liberal, he’s—he studied history. Unfortunately, America has not studied its role in World War II. [In the show] we made the point about the dropping of the atomic bomb on Japan; it’s crucial to understand why we did that, and how that happened. And we’ve been lying about it for 60, 70 years, just lying about it… This history is crucial. And as you can see, I stopped making movies at a point, and Untold History took three, four years to make. It was just a mess, trying to put it into a film version. I’m very proud of that, I’m glad you pointed it out. It’s one of my favorite things I’ve ever done, trying to tell the true history of the United States from 1898 to now.

MB: It’s so ambitious. I can’t even imagine the process of putting it together.

OS: The 12 parts take us from 1898, up to Obama [being re-elected] in 2012. People always say, “Why don’t you do Trump?” Well, you know, it’s not that simple to go back in. It takes money and time. But I do think it’s clear we’re on the wrong path. It just didn’t have to be this way, you understand? We have a strain of aggressiveness in this country. I don’t know that we can overcome ourselves, control ourselves.

MB: Metrograph is about to screen Natural Born Killers. I love movies like this where there’s a sense of chaos in front of the camera and behind the camera, and you can just feel it, you know? The prison break scene is a perfect example. It’s explosive. You’re watching it and you’re enjoying it, but also trying to imagine the reality of Tom Sizemore, Robert Downey, Jr., Woody Harrelson, and all these actual inmates playing it out in the moment. What draws you to creating these chaotic scenarios? And how do you feel when you’re in them? Do you feel blissed out and calm, or is it a frenzied adrenaline rush?

OS: I love chaos, and I love energy, chaotic energy. And when you can control it to some degree, it makes for a powerful picture. It’s in The Doors, too, if you see it. It’s in the war scenes, and in several movies, Platoon (1986) and Born on the Fourth of July. The chaos, the madness of the situation—rock ’n’ roll breeds that, mob scenes breed that, public frenzies, like the January 6 insurrection. We saw it in Born on the Fourth of July where they’re having civilian protests against the Vietnam War. I love that stuff. And I love to get an entire movie set up to this level of madness where you sense the crowd, and the extras sense it, “Wow, it’s really happening.” So many of those people who did The Doors in ’91 said to me, “Wow, this is my first time experiencing the ’60s.” [Laughs.] I can’t say it was the ’60s but certainly it felt like it was a Jim Morrison concert, right?

Now, I saw a movie a few days ago, Babylon (2022) which, it’s ridiculous because [Damien Chazelle] lost touch with reality. I’ve read a lot about the 1920s, they didn’t have orgies like that. I mean, orgies existed, orgies happened for a reason, Cecil B. DeMille did the best orgies we know, in The Ten Commandments (1956), but Damien Chazelle—I liked the movie, it had many good things in it, but that opening was overdone. It was [hands gesture dramatically outward] everybody’s fucking everybody, it doesn’t work like that. A reason has to be established. You shouldn’t lead with the chaos. The chaos should come later, is what I think.

MB: On the topic of orgies, there’s a great movie someone’s going to have to make, and I would love for it to be you—about the FTX drama. These polyamorous nerds in the Bahamas, wreaking havoc on the crypto market, everyone theoretically scamming each other, and with so many political implications. Wall Street and Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps (2010) reflected their moments so perfectly. I don’t know how much you’ve been up on this scandal; is it a story you would be interested in pursuing?

OS: I mean, I’ve done two Wall Street movies, and I don’t see myself going back into that. And it takes a lot of energy to make a movie, you can’t do it lightly. Also, you can’t chase the news. Never chase the news, it’s ridiculous. I came very close because of Snowden (2016), because of 9/11 with World Trade Centre (2006), and my George Bush movie [W, 2008]. I mean, I never gave up on following the news, but I don’t want to follow it too closely.

MB: I’d like to go back to the idea of prison breaks for a moment. I’m interested in the part of your autobiography where you describe living in the East Village in the late ’60s on 9th Street between Avenue B and C, in an apartment painted entirely red. At the time, you were writing a script called Break, the title being inspired by The Doors’ “Break On Through (To the Other Side).” Supposedly it has a crazy prison break in it, which is something you would explore in later work, like Midnight Express, and Natural Born Killers.

OS: Have you ever read it? Did you see the script?

MB: I haven’t.

OS: Oh, man. It’s a script. It’s insane! It’s my first script I ever wrote. At the end—I wrote two, three versions, and the last one, I think, was the most surreal. He goes to Vietnam [as a soldier]; he dies in Vietnam—he gets killed, by American soldiers. He goes to the underworld, the Egyptian underworld. And he’s judged the old way by the Egyptian gods, very tough. He ends up, I forget how exactly, but in a prison in California, facing smuggling charges—which I did. And from there comes “the break.” There’s no hope in going through society’s methods; there’s no hope listening to conventional thought, because in conventional thought all the bad guys were in Vietnam as soldiers, you see? So he ends up in the American prison. And he breaks out of the American system, all of them break out, and that’s sort of his liberation. So I suppose I’m a rebel at heart. I’ve lived that role, to some degree as a moviemaker. And it’s been tough, because, you know, at times, they’ve given me praise, but at times they really hate me because I am trying to say things as they are.

MB: You certainly took a lot of heat for the tone of Natural Born Killers. It was really interesting re-watching it and thinking about the challenges of satire. Entertainment and politics, these days, seem to have morphed into one. We had Trump doing a borderline Andrew Dice Clay impersonation, and even Zelensky’s a former late-night comedian. Natural Born Killers, and W, really succeed in finding humor in all the madness, but it feels like such a challenge to approach serious issues from a satirical angle today when everything’s blurred into entertainment or “content.”

OS: Well, first of all, it may seem that way to you, but it’s always been that way. We had Ronald Reagan in 1980, who was an actor, and people were saying the same thing you’re saying now: if an actor can get elected—and a B-actor, according to many people—then what’s the meaning of politics? So they always say that. Trump is an aberration—but no more so than Reagan was. They made much too much of a frenzy out of Trump; they blew up everything he did into this massive disaster for the country. It’s all hype. I agree Trump had many failings, but we feasted on it. And as a result, we don’t think. This is, again, the control of the media—they tell you what to think, and they tell you how to think. Well, if you really think this through, Trump is a minor inconvenience compared to what Bush Jr. did to this country. What he did in 2000, by setting up the War on Terror, starting a war across the globe with some 70 fucking countries, to create this concept, the United States is going to be the dominant country in the world, and “you’re either with us or against us.” That is a stupid fucking policy, completely self-destructive. We’ve spent more and more money chasing more and more bullshit, starting little brushfire wars everywhere we can, sending troops everywhere. It’s been a nightmare. It all goes back to Bush and his group. To ignore that is to miss the whole point of what’s going on in the 21st century, to me; to concentrate on Trump is ridiculous.

Going back to Natural Born Killers, at the time I said it’s a satire because it’s not realistic. In the sense that, if you look at the violence—I was criticized repeatedly for the violence—the violence is ridiculous, it’s absurd, it’s comic violence. In Born on the Fourth of July I showed what one bullet can do to a spine; it can destroy a spine and destroy a man’s life. So I’ve been very realistic in my violence, in Platoon, and Salvador (1986). But in this one case, I exaggerated everything in the movie to make the point that our society was completely fucked. At the time it was the O.J. Simpson trial, and I was disgusted with it. There had been a series of things that happened in the ’90s that had been sensationalized in the media—murders, a woman cutting off a man’s dick was all over the headlines—it was National Enquirer stuff that was being put on the front pages. I noted that; I read this draft by Tarantino; I bought it—I bought it from the producers, not from him. And I changed a lot of it because it was shallow—to my mind, it was shallow and I wanted to go deeper. But I thought it was a very good surface story. The film was controversial from the beginning because Tarantino was always objecting to anybody who changed a word of his script—you know, his bullshit, he is the greatest of all time, and no one can touch what he does. But we changed it because he’d sold it, he didn’t own it. So anyway, we made the movie. And it was misunderstood from the beginning, misunderstood completely—partly that’s because of PR, partly because Tarantino was attacking the movie. But if you look at the movie—now is a good time to look at it—you’ll see a lot of what we were talking about has certainly come true in our media.

MB: It’s undeniable.

OS: The American media has glorified violence all my life. To begin with—before Natural Born Killers—on television, the emphasis, the ratings, were on violence for the most part. Shows, Westerns, where people bang, bang, you’re dead. That was the most popular form of communication in America, killing somebody. It got out of hand in the ’90s. And it’s gotten worse, and worse, and worse… The American media is the most dominant, pervasive, controlling nanny state I’ve ever seen. I can’t stand it. As you know, I’ve been fighting the media for most of my life.

MB: At the time you were also critiquing a culture of gossip and a culture of surveillance. And this is before social media?! Then that arrives and everything you’re arguing just gets exploded; every little thing becomes sensationalized, and whatever goes viral is always anger inducing. You’re on Instagram and Twitter, what’s your relationship with social media been like?

OS: I follow it to a degree, I’m not a hound. It tires me. I’m older, man, I just, I can’t follow all the bullshit. I thought it was interesting when Musk took it over, because he did purge the—the whole thing on Twitter is its government, the government got involved in media. They’ve been heavily involved with Facebook, telling them who the enemy is, what to think, how to think, and telling the same thing now to the Twitter people. Everyone’s cowed by the government, because it’s hard to say no to the big boss. We’re basically a form of social dictatorship, maybe, in the sense that you’re shamed if you don’t go along with the group. Sure, they attack some big targets, but they also scare off the smaller people who like to think for themselves.

MB: Have you been following the Twitter Files stuff? It ties in, I feel, to a lot of themes you’ve explored in your work.

OS: The investigative journalist Matt Taibbi, he’s done a lot of good work. And people like Glenn Greenwald. Many of them have pointed out that the Twitter Files has been government propaganda in this war in Ukraine. And it has. It’s taken all the information that comes to the people who want to make Twitter a freeway for democracy; you can put out information about what the Ukrainians are doing, what the Russians are doing, but anything negative about the Ukrainians is removed by censorship. And you cannot say anything positive about the Russian position, or what even the Russian position is. So we’re telling the people, “This is what you have to think about Ukraine.” This is very dangerous, because we’re not telling the truth to our people. You’re not able to hear it. And this is disgusting. This is not what Twitter was made for. So I go back to my first point that this whole country has been locked up in a kind of social dictatorship. It’s like, you cannot think certain things.

MB: It’s interesting thinking about all of this in the context of the lockdown.

OS: Everybody’s got to have the same attitude about Covid—which is nonsense.

MB: I kept thinking about Talk Radio (1988), with Eric Bogosian playing the controversial radio personality, another of your films which feels relevant to current times. With podcasts, we’re almost back to AM talk radio, or a ham-radio type thing, where people are listening to wild stuff and developing these para-social relationships. It’s funny, I also just watched a documentary about Rockets Redglare; I had totally forgotten he was the killer in Talk Radio, and the guy on the phone.

OS: You saw a documentary about him where?

MB: It took a lot of work to find it, but I can send it to you. It’s from 2003, Rockets Redglare!

OS: It’s funny, I didn’t know about that. But Bogosian, he was very talented. A very good actor. The picture was unfortunately released at the wrong time, at Christmas. It didn’t belong at Christmas. It’s gone the way… but many people like you remember it so hopefully it’ll have some new life.

MB: I have to bring this up. The deleted scene in Natural Born Killers with the bodybuilding brothers is really one of my favorite scenes in a movie. I watch it all the time on YouTube.

OS: I’ve forgotten the scene, describe it to me.

MB: These two identical twin bodybuilders [Peter and David Paul, aka the Barbarian Brothers] are being interviewed by Robert Downey Jr. in a gym, and they’re describing how they had an encounter with Mickey and Mallory. The couple usually only let one person survive, but they let both survive in this case because the couple were fans of the brothers and only realized who they were halfway through chain-sawing their legs off. It’s revealed they’re in wheelchairs now—but they’re not mad because Mickey and Mallory passed “The Edge” onto them and they can workout harder than anyone else in the gym now because of their disability. I love it. I know you worked with Schwarzenegger in Conan the Barbarian (1982), and in Natural Born Killers the brothers reference Pumping Iron (1977) to Downey. I was wondering if you had any thoughts about bodybuilding, that scene, and working with the Barbarian Brothers?

OS: [Laughs] I enjoyed it. There were a lot of cuts—I don’t know what version you have, but there is an R-rated version, and there’s an unrated version. Do you have the unrated version?

MB: Yeah.

OS: We had tremendous problems with it. Warner Brothers wanted an R version, and they really broke my chops. I had to go back to the MPAA several times, always making more and more [cuts]—it didn’t make any sense. I would say, “What you’re really objecting to is the chaos. You’re not objecting to the physical violence because it’s not really there. You’re objecting to the madness of the movie.” And, you know, that’s not right! Because it is a mad movie, you have to accept that it is a mad movie, like Clockwork Orange (1971) was. But they just couldn’t see the bigger picture. I was already in trouble, of course, with JFK; and I’d done Scarface (1983), as a writer, but I saw all that shit go down. They got crazy on Scarface, and they got crazy on Natural Born Killers. I make this point because they’re haggling over bullshit. When in reality, it’s the madness of our society that they’re not really dealing with. As I said to the press at the time—and they couldn’t understand what I was talking about—I said, “You know, the two killers are not so bad compared to Tommy Lee Jones, who’s the warden of a fucking madhouse, and runs it like a madhouse. Or take a look at Downey, the Downey character is insane. He wants to be a killer. He lives it. He’s living it through Mickey and Mallory, and that’s the media! I said, that’s what’s wrong! And look at the cop, the cop played by Sizemore. So of course I piss off everybody. [Laughs] I said, our cops, our prisons, our media are more fucked up than the two killers. They thought I was crazy.

MB: You see this with the censorship on Twitter, too, where you can’t even put a finger on why they ban certain things. Is it just because this is chaos or… ?

OS: I want to tell you a quick story, because my favorite deletion, and I really wish it were in there, is the courtroom scene in Natural Born Killers with [Woody Harrelson and] Ashley Judd. I think that’s hilarious. Have you ever seen the outtakes on that?

MB: Remind me.

OS: It’s the one where he goes, “Bills and bills and bills.” He gets permission to cross-examine her, Ashley Judd is one of the victims. It’s a touching scene because she is a very good actress and very convincing. And Woody—it’s just beautifully done. You got to watch it, man. It fits beautifully. The reason I took it out was length, and violence. It was too much at the time. But it really belongs in the movie, it’s in the middle—they get busted, and before they go to jail they have this trial. But he wants to be his own lawyer. He cross-examines her—and he stabs her in the heart! And of course [laughs], it’s the worst thing you can do! I mean, they’re going to throw them in the dungeon now! Ashley Judd is a sweetheart—she gets killed, oh my God. How bad can these people be? Right? I love it. I love it. [Laughs] That’s the greatest scene to me, that’s the one I miss.

MB: I just watched JFK Revisited (2021). It sounded like last week they were supposed to release the final files, then it didn’t happen.

OS: They just postponed it in another year. Or something like that. They won’t release the key files. But even then, I don’t know what would be in there. These are CIA people. They all were dealing with Cuban groups, people like [George] Joannides, [David Atlee] Phillips, Bill Harvey. Those are the guys you really want… [Allan] Dulles if possible, but there’s no files on Dulles. The CIA is where, in my opinion, you really got to look, because they were running the whole show, including [Lee Harvey] Oswald.

MB: Alright, last thing. So as we are entering 2023, I’ve been reading all these year-end lists, wrapping up the year. I was curious what your summary of 2022 would be? And what are you looking for in 2023?

OS: Let’s talk film first. As a filmmaker, I finished a very complicated documentary, a scientific one called Nuclear Now, which is on the need for bringing back nuclear energy now, and pushing it because it is the only way we’re going to close the gap with the vast amount of energy we’re going to need by 2050. Hopefully it will be out in the New Year, very early, and people will see it, but it’s a very important thing to me, it’s the most important subject on Earth. So that’s where I am at. Secondly, I co-wrote a screenplay with a partner, which I think is—I cannot tell you what the subject is, it’s not that I don’t reveal what I’m about to or hope to do, and if all goes well I’ll be able to make it in 2023, but it hasn’t been an easy business, that’s for sure. I haven’t done a feature film since 2016: Snowden. I did JFK Revisited in 2019, and Putin [The Putin Interviews] in 2017, so I’ve been busy with documentaries more than features. I’m looking forward to making one more—I hope—as well as releasing Nuclear Now.

MB: Nice.

OS: On the world front, it’s always unstable, the world has always been in change. People over-exaggerate, it’s always a dark time, you know? Americans have a very limited view of the world because they live subjected to the American media.

Now, for 2023, we’re in a shithole. As a country, we keep backing the military, we keep putting a fortune into military spending—and now we’re paying for the Ukraine war, which is insane. Because we started the war, we trapped the Russians into going in there with our policies. In other words, most of the instability in the world is created by us. And we won’t admit it. People in America don’t know about that because they have no idea we’re the provokers—we’re the most provocative country in the world. And as long as we can’t see it, we’re hypnotized. We’re hypnotized by our media. We don’t see beyond our little American periscope.

-Michael M. Bilandic interviews Oliver Stone, Metrograph, Dec 2022 [x]

[afr0-thunder]

[Poor Chronicles Pt. 37]

Topics: Baby Mommas and their Types/Work (“Off Days”)/Photography/Girls/Read, Reply or Delivered (RRD)/Shopping/Work (Personal Image)/Weed/Football

I’m so sick of one of my future baby mommas. I had replied to her story, telling her, that her ass was ugly. I was not lying, bitch. You are so fucking ugly. You and your little gremlin ass boyfriend. She fucking left me on read. What a bitch? I hate her ass. Imagine your bitches…in bed…with some *triple disrespectful African American explicatives*. Now I COULD do something about this (for her), HOWEVER…I’m not stepping out of bed for a bitch, an *African American explicative* or anybody else. Y’all bitches are hopping out [*sparkles* ~ for me ~ *sparkles*]. I’m sure one day this feeling will be owned by them, but that’s not hitting. Retaliation does not soothe over being in bed with my bitch and and her wasting your time and money does not make me less mad about it. How could I let someone get under my skin to the point where I seek revenge though?

Another one. Shared a white influencer’s shirtless picture. Yuck! I asked if that was her type.

These bitches drive me insane.

I was off yesterday, they called me to come in. I intended on taking pictures. Exactly one month from my last photo shoot. I intended on starting a monthly 17th post (and because being 17 was so lit, ironically). Weekly or more, honestly. This foiled my plans. Imagine awakening stiggity-stoned from an hour to two hour long nap to your manager asking if you’re available, an hour ago. I say, “What time?”. I arrive 20 minutes early. My hispanic manager (not the one who says “Nigga”), joked with me about becoming a manager at the other location. I don’t see this for myself, but others do. This will make for 8 straight days of work. Amazing. I will follow this up with a 13 day long vacation. What the fuck am I? In high school? I presume I’ll be called in or a shift may arise. I hope not. I can use this time to take those pictures. It is rather piercing outside though.

I was asked to visit my regular location today. I was asked to work with the most flirtatious bitch alive (manager) and the tall girl. We’ll be calling her Horndawg, not only due to her last name, but feeling, although concealed, she LOVES to get off. Every time I see her I wonder when she’ll stop flirting with the world.

Horndawg, on the other hand…is there a name for sexual attraction based on scent? I damn near lose track of time when in arms reach of this bitch. I wanted to ask her if she was 5’8 or 5’9. Our coworkers watch us very aggressively, it’s almost dead silent, so I throw in a few interactions. I think they think the height thing is “cute”. Otherwise I would tip the manager off to how she had me fucked up. Also, presumably homosexual for a wage. Other than that every time we get too close, I want to kiss on this bitch’s neck and I think she wants to put a hickey on mine. It’s a very aggressive feeling. I asked her a question. Not only did she almost pop a blood vessel in her eye trying to respond, but she gave me the “Hey Daddy” eyes. She’s tall, but not taller than I. Also, I assumed she was a student…she is still around currently, this thickens the plot. A local? Anyway, in 2016, I told my friend (married woman who I said isn’t taking our relationship seriously) that my dream woman has to be the baddest bitch…with the FATTEST ass. She has to be so bad, I’d eat her ass. This is her, I’d spit right in her butt.

I replied to this one girl’s story. Pushed my last DM right through. Said she had gorilla grip coochie (not verbatim, how the fuck would I know), I never considered this likely. She just might be the perfect bitch, if so. She liked it. She frequents Chicago, so this would be fun. She fucked this other guy I used to be friends with. I don’t have any doubts. I just want to prove his dick game is terrible. This bitch’s ass is fat from the FRONT. Commented on this asian girl from high school’s post (wholesome). Never really thought she was cute, but now I want her squirting all over my dick. Outrageous. I’ve been going crazy about some asian pussy lately. Like I want her to look REAL asian, like straight out of a 90’s movie.

Shopping! Oh shopping. I decided I would give hoodies a run (if there’s good enough options). I have quite a few newer clothing options that are for colder weather, but I may empty stock quickly. Either hoodies or plain tee shirts next, but hoodies are limited due to color theme. Tees are even more limited for designs due to there being none and the only option being repetition in colors. Which is what I wanted to do anyway.

I see nice clothing and accessories for my whores. Feels like it’s their style, but this is designer drip baby. Chicago only rocks designer, bitch.

My former favorite coworker got a neck tattoo. I said I’d avoid getting mine to remain professional and the other one would be a terrible marketing strategy.

I may have to slow down on the weed (unfortunately). I am seeing a problem in my ways. He has now missed *$180 of my money. Even though he sold me thorns, last. I may use this for my hoodies. I may just starve and smoke less weed. That wouldn’t save so I may just stop smoking. To be determined.

- MH (2023)

[12/18/2023 - 8:00PM]

Go Lamar Jackson, Lions could beat any NFC team except the Eagles. 49ers could lose to the Cowboys. Eagles over everyone. Texans making a push without CJ Stroud.

Ravens to Super Bowl

#3 Texas to CFP Championship #GoHorns … side note thought this content creator I followed was delusional rooting for them…but then they washed Alabama. They haven’t been good since like fucking Vince Young in ‘07. I’m rooting for the 2016 “Juju On That Beat” Texas Longhorn to make a comeback now.

[sanchoyo]

i promise i will read the manga!! but um. well. now i’m just so curious i gotta know. just how blorbo can cara go. i wanna take a graceful step backwards and head-first into the rabbit hole. please i gotta know

- saguaro anon pt 2

(i promise it’s me again i swearzit. not that it isn’t easy to lie of course i just think that’d be the funniest thing in the world. there can only be ONE saguaro liker everyone pass the original anon message around the circle if you’d like a turn with the saguaro anon.)

(speaking of i’m chewing on the art of them. i love them so bad they make me wanna draw swords. obsessed also with the dichotomy of physical/spiritual prowess that contradicts a more common “pacifist priest” archetype through swords. still a very graceful way to slay but between that strength/faith dichotomy and their dichotomy with the queen’s science... it’s so evocative of a righteous paladin. but they are also so eepy.)

not u sending this right after I sent a friend a 10000+ word essay to a friend on discord abt cara. pls. the timing is incredible im bouncing cara around in my brain…

SAGUARO ANON!!! HI!!! (wait thats cute. naming urself as an enjoyer of them. my heart will explode fr thank u sm for enjoying my ocs ;_; u are the champion liker of them….this is ur burden to bear)

I mean, don't feel obligated to read the manga/watch the show(s)(either of them! still so happy we got a reboot 20 years after the original…) its just. would fill on context for Some Things (also is a gateway into magical girls if ur not already into them) and I always take a chance to rec it. but..I do try to make things understandable w/out it? I hope?

Cara…im trying to think of what I can say publicly abt her without spoiling her whole story. (I plan to probably make it a novel-sized fanfic and...with 2-3 illus per chapter…it works better as a comic, but the energy to do it + how little reception I got when I tried it…TwT </3) this got. erm. long. so under the cut? I dont THINK anything is TOO spoilery, but if anyone wants to wait until the story is actually being written, maybe skip this one :3c

ok so. my sweet caroline (ba ba ba) 'cara' testout-seebauer, (god what a good name)...… she's like. my wildcard character. full of surprises. full of anxiety. as someone who is also full of anxiety I can say sometimes getting too anxious makes people lash out, seem irritable. get this girl some noise-cancelling headphones tbh. she's also quiet, which, people around her misinterpret as 'oh shes brooding and mysterious' but she's 15. she's the Most 15 Year Old, and all that entails.

She, uh…let me just say she is about as aware as magical girl tropes as Mira is. she makes a point to declare herself as the 'dark magical girl rival' to Mira's heroine persona. which is totally a Normal Thing for anyone with Normal Motivations to say, obviously. (mira aggressively turns a blind eye to how absolutely weird that is because it fits with what she also wants, but other characters are even like, hey thats..questionable? why is a human working with the Aliens Who Want All Humans Dead?? you might ASSUME tragic backstory, but I Love Subverting Expectations. she has a pretty good family life!) she's not as much as an edgelord as this type of character should be in theory, but she IS dramatic 🤔

she's actually somewhat naive and makes the worlds most questionable judgement calls and has the worst sense of who to trust. she's a nerd. she speaks like 4 languages because she was moved around a lot up until she was about 13 and has lived in a handful of countries (if you ask her, she'd say shes american bc thats where shes lived the longest, but her dad is half british half japanese raised in japan and left when he was 18 for america, and her mother is afro-latina american. she strongly takes after her mom in looks but got her dads hair texture :> )

it's a running gag that she knows how to do an improbable amount of things and she always brushes this off her parents were very indulgent and she had a hard time sticking to anything. why does she know origami and karate and how to make balloon animals and ballet and sword fighting and art?? oh but she can only do the very basics of any of the various things, she's not like, outstanding at very many things admittedly and cannot commit to anything. she has...approximate knowledge of many things...It must be said, for the majority of the alien ocs I have...shes the first human theyve met. so u can imagine this gives them very skewed idea of how many things humans can do...

a lot of the characters n plots in tm2 are things I think were tragically underused and under-explored in tmm. in particular the things about her that I draw from are largely things from tokyo mew mew a la mode. (which as of now is free to read on archive.org and is only two volumes!! its the sequel to tmm ^_^...) anyway regarding that...there's a hint in her full name no one as picked up on yet and I shant say more on that. (...do people not pick up on certain naming schemes in tmm aside from the girls having food names? I dont know. this is one of those 'would only pick up on it if ur familiar w tmm things but! I dont even think ppl who HAVE read it have noticed yet.. tbf I only revealed her full name last year I think!)

all of the girls have symbolism with the animal dna they're infused with. cara's a snake. which is such a double sided thing. a lot of people are scared of snakes, lots of imagery of being two-faced or deceitful BUT also, like, 'transformations/rebirth' (shedding of the snake skin) and the caduceus!!! (hermes association, loosely :)) fun. her weapon being a shield + gramophone combo thing now reflects a lot about her too :)

shes SHORT. shes freckled. she cuts her own hair. shes objectively just really funny in a messed up way because everything is extreme when ur 15, its seriously so. just. shes so so so dramatic and gay, my god. its painful to watch. its painful to WRITE. rancid at just COMMUNICATING. she doesnt necessarily even want to be a magical girl its rotten work but my god she'll do it she DOES like the genre but she is so so scared and would probably rather NOT be doing more than like, cosplay. fighting things or people = scary. anxiety is real. but here she is! for some ungodly reason! eeey exposure therapy amiright fellow anxiety sufferers. queen put her and sapote together because sapote was the only alien whod volunteer to get infused and become a mew mew lol sapote is outgoing and queen figured this would offset cara's...*vaguely gestures* everything pretty well. and that sapote would be able to sus out anything cara might be hiding. queen knows sapote's smarter than expected and trusts her a lot cara and sapote are SUCH a funny duo 😭

cara is like. she has problems. and instead of solving them in any rational way she ends up creating 15 more severe problems about it. pitiful little meow meow mew mew

also I'm glad u enjoyed the lil doodle of them, had to toss them in after ur nice message :) (+I will take any excuse to draw or talk abt my ocs r u kidding. i love them)

replying to the very last bit of ur message abt our friend saguaro: WAAAA THAT MAKES ME SO HAPPY THAT THEY MAKE U WANNA DRAW SWORDS!! (do it. swords are fun to draw) u hit the nail on the head with: 'the dichotomy of physical/spiritual prowess that contradicts a more common “pacifist priest” archetype through swords. still a very graceful way to slay but between that strength/faith dichotomy and their dichotomy with the queen’s science… it’s so evocative of a righteous paladin.' the. understanding. the analysis. u are so correct. holding ur hand about this. thank u. thank u.

since u arent a tmm watcher/reader. I have to tell you. deep blue, their god? is the main final bad guy in tmm. we have SO SO SO little info about him. I had to make up so many stupid little headcanons surrounding him + the religion and what would possibly happen post-canon. which is only vaguely tangentially related but I have Many Thoughts. he uses a sword, so of course saguaro would Want To as well! and as far as 'gods' go, deep blue is. hm. a violent one. saguaro is incredibly nice! but is still a devout cult member follower of a violent god who they WILL spill blood in the name of. they WILL tell queen to her face that no, she should NOT be the leader, that should be someone who follows deep blue-sama! and they are only following her for a good view from the top to spot carry out his will, because surely deep blue guided them to be so skillful for a REASON, they MUST be useful to him when he finally reappears! and there is NO room for doubt in their mind he WILL. (jaws theme ominously plays in the distance)

queen and saguaro are both ppl who pride themselves on being civil and well-mannered, so you can imagine the sheer passive-aggressiveness in their convos. they're useful, they're probably the BEST swordsmaster, and they've proven to be very diplomatic and can bridge the gap queen sorely needs to with the other straggling deep blue followers, and queen isn't one to throw away a pawn, so she ultimately sees it as putting up with an annoyance for the greater good. (its not like deep blue could possibly return or anything! jaws theme sounds louder and closer)

everyone else in queens little upper posse thinks theyre super weird. …except cara! (we've come full circle!) because shes human! and! has no frame of reference! for deep blue related things! (well…at least, not in the way everyone else would've) shes dealt with like, mormons or thse door to door religious ppl, to her its like. whatever. same difference. saguaro isnt mean to her solely because shes a human like SOME people in queen's upper circle are. in fact, they're really actually very nice to her! and hey, she likes swords! and they have a calming presence, which is GREAT when u are a little shaky chihuahua abt everything.

I have this scene planned out where cara wakes up from a nightmare SCREAMING, sapote's room is right beside her and hey thats her little buddy so ofc she runs in. but cara wont talk to her, and sapote is like. kid I Am Not Leaving You Alone rn I Am Vaguely Worried and you need someone Adult Shaped to talk to. so caras like. whatever get saguaro then. and sapote is BAFFLED, but it makes perfect sense. because unlike sapote, they won't badger her or try and get her to spill anything, they won't try forcing her into a hug, if she asks them to just talk and distract, they're happy to. they aren't going to go spill her secrets and they CERTAINLY wont rat her out for saying anything untowardly about queen.

sapote accuses them of trying to yank cara into their little cult over this of course. kadskj

oops. thats a very long ramble about nothing very clear. I'm trying to be GOOD about not spoiling my own darn story, but the temptation to talk about it is so strong. I'm always super happy to share stuff on it and when ppl show interest it makes my heart explode. thank uuuu so much again TwT

[grahamstoney]

My Life So Far by Jane Fonda

New Post has been published on https://grahamstoney.com/self-esteem/my-life-so-far-by-jane-fonda

My Life So Far by Jane Fonda

I am a generation too late to really know much about Jane Fonda, and started reading her autobiography when a friend recommended it. There is lots of name dropping; clearly Ms Fonda was well-connected in her prime, but I don’t recognise most of the names since they were just before my time. Nevertheless, it’s a compelling story.

I was fascinated to read how such a successful woman could be haunted all her life by feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. Despite her feminist leaning and her courage (or was it foolishness?), there’s a strong theme that without the support and approval of men, she felt worthless.

I found her description of the U.S. involvement in the Vietnamese war a disturbing indictment on the power wielded by the American military and the way in which the U.S. President of the time used it to play out his power games in a foreign country about which he had no understanding. The parallel between Vietnam and the current Iraq war became more startling to me the more I learned about what had gone on in Vietnam. I grew up with the belief that the U.S. were unquestionably the “Good Guys”. After all, they were instrumental in saving Australia from being invaded by Japan in World War II. To realise that they had been batting for the wrong team in Vietnam, and now Iraq, I found truly disturbing.

The other theme that struck a chord with me, whether Fonda intended to or not, was that naivety and courage sometimes go hand-in-hand. It was clear that some of her actions, such as her visit to Vietnam to highlight the U.S. bombing of dikes in the river delta, was amazingly naive. She put herself in considerable danger, and was at times manipulated by her hosts. Yet it was also enormously powerful. It reminded me of times in my life where I have thought “I’m really being very naive here”, yet gone ahead anyway because I thought there was a more important cause than just avoiding my own foolishness. And these have been some of the most invigorating times for me.

I found some of Fonda’s off-hand comments about perceived differences between the experience of women and men rather polarizing. She appears to believe that men are largely immune from the sort of self-esteem and sexuality issues that she sees so many women suffering from; if only this were the case. In fact, men suffer from these things too; but it shows in different ways. Hers manifested in an eating disorder and deep-seated need to please men. Nixon had a deep-seated need to create an enemy in his mind out of a peace-loving people on the other side of the planet so he could try to wipe them out. These are both manifestations of the same thing: poor self-esteem. They just came out in different ways. One inwardly destructive, the other outwardly. But even this isn’t necessarily a gender-based difference.

Fonda make the compelling point that aggression and war are generally seen as masculine and active, while peace is seen as feminine and passive. The U.S. Presidents who initiated and supported unwinable wars in Vietnam and Iraq were doing so because they had a point to prove: that they would be strong in the face of a perceived threat. Big boys playing with toys to prove who was the bigger man. The lies and deceit necessary to maintain the charade belied what was really going on. Fonda gives a fascinating account of a meeting she initiated with a group of disgruntled ex-Vietnam vets who were angry at her anti-war activism. They still harboured terrible grief about the war, but felt it unpatriotic to be angry at the government despite the lies it had told; so they aimed their anger at anti-war activists like her instead. She diffused the situation by getting them to talk about what was really going on for them. Vilifying anti-war activists like Fonda was just part of the governments’ efforts to sustain the war so that the men in power could prove how manly they were, and the veterans were just some of the victims. You would think the people in power would have learned something; except for the obvious parallels with the current war in Iraq, which those in power are oblivious to. Fonda points out that at the same time the U.S. Were sending troops into Iraq, their government was also slashing benefits for returned servicemen, and that at the time of the Vietnam war, anti-war activists were actually more supportive of returned servicemen than were pro-war activists. Reading the press you would have got the opposite viewpoint.

I don’t know if Fonda used a ghost writer; the story gives the impression that she wrote it herself, and that some of the pieces of the puzzle of her life didn’t fit together until she spoke to other people about issues during the writing process. I was surprised to find that her book held my attention through all 600 pages. I rarely make it through books that thick, and had no particular interest in Jane Fonda at the outset but nevertheless found her biography quite interesting.

[urfavlesb1anfather]

speaking up.

(tw: this post contains information about sexual assault, abuse, manipulation, and other possibly triggering topics. If you’re sensitive to any of these, I suggest not reading further than this.)

Before I explain exactly what this post is about, I’d like to start by saying that if you know any of the people mentioned in this post, please do not reach out to any of them or attack any of them. Yes all the people mentioned are small content creators with either less than 100 or just above 1000 followers on YouTube, that doesn’t mean that their story is any less valid or any of them deserve to be treated any differently than any other people who have been abused before. I’d also like to mention that yes, this situation is being dealt with, so I don’t have all the details. However, I’d still like to speak up about what happened since the victim in this situation is a friend of mine, and everyone deserves to have their story be heard. Thank you.

I’m not very sure exactly how to start something like this, so I’m just going to jump to the point and explain. Recently, one of my content creator friends, known online as Katie Bug, has been put into an abusive relationship and this situation has affected her. I’m not naming her legal first name or the other person, so for now we’re just referring to the alleged abuser in this situation as his current discord username, Polief. I’d like to mention that this situation is very recent (starting as far as I know around late 2023, or around the start of the American school year, mid August), so I’m not 100% on every detail. On parts that I’m not certain about, I will mention that, to keep everything here as honest as possible. The first interaction I had with Polief was around early September, however I didn’t get the chance to screenshot what was said. I will admit that at that point, I was worried and wasn’t thinking straight, so some words I said may not have been the most respectful things to say in that situation, and for that I do apologize. In short, the conversation started with me showing up in the place we (my online friend group) usually communicate (I will not be naming or describing as to keep everyone as anonymous as possible.) I had shown up since the place wasn’t super active at that time and I wanted to have a small conversation with Katie. Around the start of the conversation, I was slightly suspicious that someone else had gotten hold of Katie‘s account, as they were acting differently from her normal text patterns, attitude, etc. Now, when I did confront Polief about this (I didn’t know it was Polief at the time), they started to become aggressive, doing things like threatening to break Katie’s phone or hurt Katie. As far as I know, neither of those actions were taken, and that was the only things I can specifically remember from that conversation. Another similar situation showed up a few weeks later, on November 7, 2023. Again, I don’t have good screenshots to provide, but I will quote a few things Polief said that could be considered toxic or abusive. Key phrases said include “if u think i aint her just k-¥-$”, im bout to say something ill regret”, “st f u” (someone mentioned something that could prove he isn’t Katie). Another detail mentioned in this same conversation was said by Katie herself, which was said after she managed to get her phone back from Polief: “First I have to steal my phone back from a specific someone”. I’m including this here because it implies that not only did Polief take Katie’s phone without her consent, but also specifically refused to give it back, leading to Katie having to “steal my phone back” as she said. Another detail that can be mentioned is something Katie mentioned in another chat: “Polief (bf) is jealous. And about a week ago before we even got together he tracked down my email and got access to my YouTube account. And he’s mad that I keep coming to chat and freaked out and turne”.

I’m not sure exactly what the rest of her message included, as this is the only half I could find. I mention this quote too because it describes behavior Polief has shown that could be considered abusive or toxic, such as stealing someone’s email account out of jealousy, and getting upset about someone interacting with friends too often.

Things stayed calm after that for a while, until a few days ago, when Katie provided screenshots of Polief showing even more abusive behavior. Due to the date shown in the video (I took screenshots to upload to here), I believe the messages shown are from March 3, 2024.

As you can see, Polief can be seen threatening and showing toxic traits towards Katie. In a conversation the same day these screenshots were provided (March 4, 2024), Katie mentioned other details related to these screenshots and previous times Polief has attempted to hurt Katie.

One of the phrases mentioned in the second photo, “I’m used to this shit by now”, implies that Polief has tried before to break into Katie’s house and/or hurt her.

Now everything was fine again after that up until March 6, 2024. Polief had managed to get into Katie’s house and hurt her, which resulted in him trying to take her somewhere but being stopped by the police. That same day Katie and Polief were taking in for questioning, and Polief was later placed into Juvenile Detention. Due to messages Katie sent, I can believe that James also managed to r@pe her, and things she had said before imply that this wasn’t the first time.

I’d like to end this off by saying that even though Polief has been placed in Juvenile Detention, this is still a serious problem, and Katie isn’t the only one who’s been through this. However, Katie did reach out to someone, and that’s an important thing to do. Moving forward, to anyone who reads this, if someone does something similar to you or hurts you at all, don’t be afraid to reach out to the police. If they hit you once, they’ll do it again.

to the people mentioned in this post, feel free to reach out to me if you want me to take this down. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable.

[gulfportofficial]

I’m kinda compelled to explain or just talk about why I’m being Like This about Ana Mardoll and Lockheed Martin, like specifically him (”Like This” as in not shutting up about it and obsessively reading ALL the tweets and bad faith arguments lol.) At the risk of giving myself a wee anxiety spiral about it, I think I will do so below the cut.

SO ANYWAY as you all know because I also never shut up about it, I am very old. Well, too old to be reading this much internet drama lol. I’m 38, which I tell you to contextualize the rest of this tale, starting with the fact that I was 18 when 9/11 happened, and at that time I was out of home, working full time, living a weird life with a man who would turn out to be a very bad person. 

I mention both the weird life and 9/11 because it’s crucial to understand that I was both isolated by a man who was treating me badly, and would go on to treat me criminally badly, and very quickly involved in anti-war activism. At that time I wasn’t remotely involved in organizing, didn’t know any organizerzers, I just. You know. Have never liked imperialism or the senseless murder that goes along with it and went to all the protests. 

A couple of years later I had left the bad man and I was with my husband... and that’s its whole own other thing. My husband definitely was... well, this is not a story about that. Let’s just shorthand it with the fact that I thought he was a fucking prince because he didn’t [redacted] me or [redacted] me, which is a very low bar for a partner, and he was not, actually, obviously, a fucking prince. Suffice it to say, I was still being isolated, bullied, and manipulated in my own home by someone who was supposed to love me. And I was still involved in anti-war activism. Even though my husband was, at the time, AGGRESSIVELY “apolitical” lol.

I don’t know how to explain to you how different it was back then in the early-mid aughts. Facebook literally didn’t exist, no social media did. You had web forums and stuff, but like, for all the clickbait 2-minutes hate outrage issues with social media, what has fundamentally changed from that time is that you kind of have a sense generally of what is happening in the world. We did not have that in the aughts. It was so, so fucking hard to find information about what was actually happening in Iraq. All we had was “legitimate” news sources like TV and newspapers, and those sources LIED to us. Like, openly lied. When they didn’t do that, they misled. I remember once a NZ TV news story talking about how they in fact DIDN’T find WMDs in Iraq and they said this over footage of piles of WMDs? They were saying the “didn’t” real fucking quiet iykwim. 

So we read blogs. I remember how much it meant to me to find Joel Mathis’ blog on which he wrote about how authorizing torture for the occupation was ethically wrong. Not “wrong for American values” or “wrong according to the constitution”, ethically wrong. I read a whole bunch of stuff actually, but what is relevant here is that a friend pointed me to Shakesville and I read that. 

It was real easy to just like, describe yourself as an authority in those days. The thing about Shakesville is it was presented to me as part of general leftism, with a focus on feminism (actually, initially I was introduced to it because of fat politics, and for all my eventual loathing of Shakesville I still have to say that MM did some pretty good work with what she wrote about that), but like crucially as if if you focused on the interpersonal and unpicking the kyriarchy in your individual language and choices, you could totally fight the power. The other thing about Shakesville is that Ana Mardoll was a mod there.

I was never a community member or a devotee, just an on and off reader (I was not there for the All In fiasco, for eg). But Shakesville is an obvious and popular example of the broader thing anyway. That kind of talk was happening everywhere. And I leaned into it HARD! I had gotten into university when I was 22/23 or so and I was studying and learning COLLEGE THINGS about like, as I say, the kyriarchy. I relentlessly picked apart and policed my language and the language of others honestly and sincerely thinking that if I could just get it right, do it exactly right, it would have some kind of positive impact on the world. 

I’m a discourse analyst - someone who studies language and what it does in the world - so obviously I do believe that language and how we use it is VERY important to understanding power within culture, and I’m also not some Bro who thinks that feminism and antiracism and so on in our own homes are “distractions” from the real issues or anything. But the hyperliberal, relentless focus on every single word and interaction as the ONLY site of progressive politics in those spaces, both online and off? Yeah, I fucking hated it. I was miserable and scared all the time. I felt constantly surveilled. 

Great time for someone who already had PTSD (something else I didn’t know at the time) and was getting more of it (something else I ALSO didn’t know at the time). 

But the other thing is I also thought it was fucking STUPID, while simultaneously beating myself up for not being an enlightened enough person to understand that it was Smart Actually, that the best most clever most ethical people (I mean, they said they were) thought this, and what was wrong with me that I couldn’t get there. But I thought it was so stupid! And I couldn’t SAY stupid, that word is ableist. You can’t rip on Yale Legacy Daddy Was The President G.W. Bush for getting Cs and STILL GETTING TO BE THE PRESIDENT because it indicates that you are ableist towards people who do not get As.

(I think about that one all the time because in retrospect it’s such a TELL lol. Just bypassing the point that we’re talking about someone whose class position means he never has to excel to be handed the finest things to cut straight to a world where obviously everybody talks about what grades they got in school and what everybody else got and how they feel about it now, years later, as Very Smart Ladies Obviously on the internet.) These contexts were EMOTIONAL. People cried. You “hurt” them you “invalidated” them you “invisibilized” them you were selfishly focused on the “wrong things” because of your privilege (always theirs, never yours) blah blah blah blah blah. 

Look, my lunchbreak is up so I don’t have time to write anymore, so I’ll just quickly summarize where this story would have went had I had another 1/2 hour: that shit did a lot of damage to my brain and heart, it was bound up together with the damage my home life was doing, and I still struggle with what a complete fucking garbage heap I feel like for DAYS the moment someone deploys that wilting liberal shit on me. 

So basically I’ve been checking in with and mocking Ana’s content for years because it’s kind of like a sanity check. It was not me, it was those fucking people and their goddamned bad opinions. When Ana (like those others) said he was the smartest, goodest, most worthy source for how to Think Right and Be Ethical in the world, he was in fact lying (just like the TV news), because his analysis is neither precise nor useful, neither thoughtful nor kind. 

Popping on twitter to be like, oh ok Ana still thinks making jokes about beans in chili as a Texas thing is “othering bullshit” because some Texans don’t even like chili is kind of centering. Ana still thinks his fucking dog is trans. Ana is a goddamned idiot and the emperor has no clothes and works for Lockheed Martin and was never, ever actually invested in the things I believe in at all. 

[blackwoolncrown]

”This essay has been kicking around in my head for years now and I’ve never felt confident enough to write it. It’s a time in my life I’m ashamed of. It’s a time that I hurt people and, through inaction, allowed others to be hurt. It’s a time that I acted as a violent agent of capitalism and white supremacy. Under the guise of public safety, I personally ruined people’s lives but in so doing, made the public no safer… so did the family members and close friends of mine who also bore the badge alongside me.

But enough is enough.

The reforms aren’t working. Incrementalism isn’t happening. Unarmed Black, indigenous, and people of color are being killed by cops in the streets and the police are savagely attacking the people protesting these murders.

American policing is a thick blue tumor strangling the life from our communities and if you don’t believe it when the poor and the marginalized say it, if you don’t believe it when you see cops across the country shooting journalists with less-lethal bullets and caustic chemicals, maybe you’ll believe it when you hear it straight from the pig’s mouth.”

>>Copied here in case anyone gets paywalled when they click the above. The full article is...a lot.<<

WHY AM I WRITING THIS

As someone who went through the training, hiring, and socialization of a career in law enforcement, I wanted to give a first-hand account of why I believe police officers are the way they are. Not to excuse their behavior, but to explain it and to indict the structures that perpetuate it.

I believe that if everyone understood how we’re trained and brought up in the profession, it would inform the demands our communities should be making of a new way of community safety. If I tell you how we were made, I hope it will empower you to unmake us.

One of the other reasons I’ve struggled to write this essay is that I don’t want to center the conversation on myself and my big salty boo-hoo feelings about my bad choices. It’s a toxic white impulse to see atrocities and think “How can I make this about me?” So, I hope you’ll take me at my word that this account isn’t meant to highlight me, but rather the hundred thousand of me in every city in the country. It’s about the structure that made me (that I chose to pollute myself with) and it’s my meager contribution to the cause of radical justice.

YES, ALL COPS ARE BASTARDS

I was a police officer in a major metropolitan area in California with a predominantly poor, non-white population (with a large proportion of first-generation immigrants). One night during briefing, our watch commander told us that the city council had requested a new zero tolerance policy. Against murderers, drug dealers, or child predators?

No, against homeless people collecting cans from recycling bins.

See, the city had some kickback deal with the waste management company where waste management got paid by the government for our expected tonnage of recycling. When homeless people “stole” that recycling from the waste management company, they were putting that cheaper contract in peril. So, we were to arrest as many recyclers as we could find.

Even for me, this was a stupid policy and I promptly blew Sarge off. But a few hours later, Sarge called me over to assist him. He was detaining a 70 year old immigrant who spoke no English, who he’d seen picking a coke can out of a trash bin. He ordered me to arrest her for stealing trash. I said, “Sarge, c’mon, she’s an old lady.” He said, “I don’t give a shit. Hook her up, that’s an order.” And… I did. She cried the entire way to the station and all through the booking process. I couldn’t even comfort her because I didn’t speak Spanish. I felt disgusting but I was ordered to make this arrest and I wasn’t willing to lose my job for her.

If you’re tempted to feel sympathy for me, don’t. I used to happily hassle the homeless under other circumstances. I researched obscure penal codes so I could arrest people in homeless encampments for lesser known crimes like “remaining too close to railroad property” (369i of the California Penal Code). I used to call it “planting warrant seeds” since I knew they wouldn’t make their court dates and we could arrest them again and again for warrant violations.

We used to have informal contests for who could cite or arrest someone for the weirdest law. DUI on a bicycle, non-regulation number of brooms on your tow truck (27700(a)(1) of the California Vehicle Code)… shit like that. For me, police work was a logic puzzle for arresting people, regardless of their actual threat to the community. As ashamed as I am to admit it, it needs to be said: stripping people of their freedom felt like a game to me for many years.

I know what you’re going to ask: did I ever plant drugs? Did I ever plant a gun on someone? Did I ever make a false arrest or file a false report? Believe it or not, the answer is no. Cheating was no fun, I liked to get my stats the “legitimate” way. But I knew officers who kept a little baggie of whatever or maybe a pocket knife that was a little too big in their war bags (yeah, we called our dufflebags “war bags”…). Did I ever tell anybody about it? No I did not. Did I ever confess my suspicions when cocaine suddenly showed up in a gang member’s jacket? No I did not.

In fact, let me tell you about an extremely formative experience: in my police academy class, we had a clique of around six trainees who routinely bullied and harassed other students: intentionally scuffing another trainee’s shoes to get them in trouble during inspection, sexually harassing female trainees, cracking racist jokes, and so on. Every quarter, we were to write anonymous evaluations of our squadmates. I wrote scathing accounts of their behavior, thinking I was helping keep bad apples out of law enforcement and believing I would be protected. Instead, the academy staff read my complaints to them out loud and outed me to them and never punished them, causing me to get harassed for the rest of my academy class. That’s how I learned that even police leadership hates rats. That’s why no one is “changing things from the inside.” They can’t, the structure won’t allow it.

And that’s the point of what I’m telling you. Whether you were my sergeant, legally harassing an old woman, me, legally harassing our residents, my fellow trainees bullying the rest of us, or “the bad apples” illegally harassing “shitbags”, we were all in it together. I knew cops that pulled women over to flirt with them. I knew cops who would pepper spray sleeping bags so that homeless people would have to throw them away. I knew cops that intentionally provoked anger in suspects so they could claim they were assaulted. I was particularly good at winding people up verbally until they lashed out so I could fight them. Nobody spoke out. Nobody stood up. Nobody betrayed the code.

None of us protected the people (you) from bad cops.

This is why “All cops are bastards.” Even your uncle, even your cousin, even your mom, even your brother, even your best friend, even your spouse, even me. Because even if they wouldn’t Do The Thing themselves, they will almost never rat out another officer who Does The Thing, much less stop it from happening.

BASTARD 101

I could write an entire book of the awful things I’ve done, seen done, and heard others bragging about doing. But, to me, the bigger question is “How did it get this way?”. While I was a police officer in a city 30 miles from where I lived, many of my fellow officers were from the community and treated their neighbors just as badly as I did. While every cop’s individual biases come into play, it’s the profession itself that is toxic, and it starts from day 1 of training.

Every police academy is different but all of them share certain features: taught by old cops, run like a paramilitary bootcamp, strong emphasis on protecting yourself more than anyone else. The majority of my time in the academy was spent doing aggressive physical training and watching video after video after video of police officers being murdered on duty.

I want to highlight this: nearly everyone coming into law enforcement is bombarded with dash cam footage of police officers being ambushed and killed. Over and over and over. Colorless VHS mortality plays, cops screaming for help over their radios, their bodies going limp as a pair of tail lights speed away into a grainy black horizon. In my case, with commentary from an old racist cop who used to brag about assaulting Black Panthers.

To understand why all cops are bastards, you need to understand one of the things almost every training officer told me when it came to using force:

“I’d rather be judged by 12 than carried by 6.”

Meaning, “I’ll take my chances in court rather than risk getting hurt”. We’re able to think that way because police unions are extremely overpowered and because of the generous concept of Qualified Immunity, a legal theory which says a cop generally can’t be held personally liable for mistakes they make doing their job in an official capacity.

When you look at the actions of the officers who killed George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, David McAtee, Mike Brown, Tamir Rice, Philando Castile, Eric Garner, or Freddie Gray, remember that they, like me, were trained to recite “I’d rather be judged by 12” as a mantra. Even if Mistakes Were Made™, the city (meaning the taxpayers, meaning you) pays the settlement, not the officer.

Once police training has - through repetition, indoctrination, and violent spectacle - promised officers that everyone in the world is out to kill them, the next lesson is that your partners are the only people protecting you. Occasionally, this is even true: I’ve had encounters turn on me rapidly to the point I legitimately thought I was going to die, only to have other officers come and turn the tables.

One of the most important thought leaders in law enforcement is Col. Dave Grossman, a “killologist” who wrote an essay called “Sheep, Wolves, and Sheepdogs”. Cops are the sheepdogs, bad guys are the wolves, and the citizens are the sheep (!). Col. Grossman makes sure to mention that to a stupid sheep, sheepdogs look more like wolves than sheep, and that’s why they dislike you.

This “they hate you for protecting them and only I love you, only I can protect you” tactic is familiar to students of abuse. It’s what abusers do to coerce their victims into isolation, pulling them away from friends and family and ensnaring them in the abuser’s toxic web. Law enforcement does this too, pitting the officer against civilians. “They don’t understand what you do, they don’t respect your sacrifice, they just want to get away with crimes. You’re only safe with us.”

I think the Wolves vs. Sheepdogs dynamic is one of the most important elements as to why officers behave the way they do. Every single second of my training, I was told that criminals were not a legitimate part of their community, that they were individual bad actors, and that their bad actions were solely the result of their inherent criminality. Any concept of systemic trauma, generational poverty, or white supremacist oppression was either never mentioned or simply dismissed. After all, most people don’t steal, so anyone who does isn’t “most people,” right? To us, anyone committing a crime deserved anything that happened to them because they broke the “social contract.” And yet, it was never even a question as to whether the power structure above them was honoring any sort of contract back.

Understand: Police officers are part of the state monopoly on violence and all police training reinforces this monopoly as a cornerstone of police work, a source of honor and pride. Many cops fantasize about getting to kill someone in the line of duty, egged on by others that have. One of my training officers told me about the time he shot and killed a mentally ill homeless man wielding a big stick. He bragged that he “slept like a baby” that night. Official training teaches you how to be violent effectively and when you’re legally allowed to deploy that violence, but “unofficial training” teaches you to desire violence, to expand the breadth of your violence without getting caught, and to erode your own compassion for desperate people so you can justify punitive violence against them.

HOW TO BE A BASTARD

I have participated in some of these activities personally, others are ones I either witnessed personally or heard officers brag about openly. Very, very occasionally, I knew an officer who was disciplined or fired for one of these things.

Police officers will lie about the law, about what’s illegal, or about what they can legally do to you in order to manipulate you into doing what they want.

Police officers will lie about feeling afraid for their life to justify a use of force after the fact.

Police officers will lie and tell you they’ll file a police report just to get you off their back.

Police officers will lie that your cooperation will “look good for you” in court, or that they will “put in a good word for you with the DA.” The police will never help you look good in court.

Police officers will lie about what they see and hear to access private property to conduct unlawful searches.

Police officers will lie and say your friend already ratted you out, so you might as well rat them back out. This is almost never true.

Police officers will lie and say you’re not in trouble in order to get you to exit a location or otherwise make an arrest more convenient for them.

Police officers will lie and say that they won’t arrest you if you’ll just “be honest with them” so they know what really happened.

Police officers will lie about their ability to seize the property of friends and family members to coerce a confession.

Police officers will write obviously bullshit tickets so that they get time-and-a-half overtime fighting them in court.

Police officers will search places and containers you didn’t consent to and later claim they were open or “smelled like marijuana”.

Police officers will threaten you with a more serious crime they can’t prove in order to convince you to confess to the lesser crime they really want you for.

Police officers will employ zero tolerance on races and ethnicities they dislike and show favor and lenience to members of their own group.

Police officers will use intentionally extra-painful maneuvers and holds during an arrest to provoke “resistance” so they can further assault the suspect.

Some police officers will plant drugs and weapons on you, sometimes to teach you a lesson, sometimes if they kill you somewhere away from public view.

Some police officers will assault you to intimidate you and threaten to arrest you if you tell anyone.

A non-trivial number of police officers will steal from your house or vehicle during a search.

A non-trivial number of police officers commit intimate partner violence and use their status to get away with it.

A non-trivial number of police officers use their position to entice, coerce, or force sexual favors from vulnerable people.

If you take nothing else away from this essay, I want you to tattoo this onto your brain forever: if a police officer is telling you something, it is probably a lie designed to gain your compliance.

Do not talk to cops and never, ever believe them. Do not “try to be helpful” with cops. Do not assume they are trying to catch someone else instead of you. Do not assume what they are doing is “important” or even legal. Under no circumstances assume any police officer is acting in good faith.

Also, and this is important, do not talk to cops.

I just remembered something, do not talk to cops.

Checking my notes real quick, something jumped out at me:

Do

not

fucking

talk

to

cops.

Ever.

Say, “I don’t answer questions,” and ask if you’re free to leave; if so, leave. If not, tell them you want your lawyer and that, per the Supreme Court, they must terminate questioning. If they don’t, file a complaint and collect some badges for your mantle.

DO THE BASTARDS EVER HELP?

Reading the above, you may be tempted to ask whether cops ever do anything good. And the answer is, sure, sometimes. In fact, most officers I worked with thought they were usually helping the helpless and protecting the safety of innocent people.

During my tenure in law enforcement, I protected women from domestic abusers, arrested cold-blooded murderers and child molesters, and comforted families who lost children to car accidents and other tragedies. I helped connect struggling people in my community with local resources for food, shelter, and counseling. I deescalated situations that could have turned violent and talked a lot of people down from making the biggest mistake of their lives. I worked with plenty of officers who were individually kind, bought food for homeless residents, or otherwise showed care for their community.

The question is this: did I need a gun and sweeping police powers to help the average person on the average night? The answer is no. When I was doing my best work as a cop, I was doing mediocre work as a therapist or a social worker. My good deeds were listening to people failed by the system and trying to unite them with any crumbs of resources the structure was currently denying them.

It’s also important to note that well over 90% of the calls for service I handled were reactive, showing up well after a crime had taken place. We would arrive, take a statement, collect evidence (if any), file the report, and onto the next caper. Most “active” crimes we stopped were someone harmless possessing or selling a small amount of drugs. Very, very rarely would we stop something dangerous in progress or stop something from happening entirely. The closest we could usually get was seeing someone running away from the scene of a crime, but the damage was still done.

And consider this: my job as a police officer required me to be a marriage counselor, a mental health crisis professional, a conflict negotiator, a social worker, a child advocate, a traffic safety expert, a sexual assault specialist, and, every once in awhile, a public safety officer authorized to use force, all after only a 1000 hours of training at a police academy. Does the person we send to catch a robber also need to be the person we send to interview a rape victim or document a fender bender? Should one profession be expected to do all that important community care (with very little training) all at the same time?

To put this another way: I made double the salary most social workers made to do a fraction of what they could do to mitigate the causes of crimes and desperation. I can count very few times my monopoly on state violence actually made our citizens safer, and even then, it’s hard to say better-funded social safety nets and dozens of other community care specialists wouldn’t have prevented a problem before it started.

Armed, indoctrinated (and dare I say, traumatized) cops do not make you safer; community mutual aid networks who can unite other people with the resources they need to stay fed, clothed, and housed make you safer. I really want to hammer this home: every cop in your neighborhood is damaged by their training, emboldened by their immunity, and they have a gun and the ability to take your life with near-impunity. This does not make you safer, even if you’re white.

HOW DO YOU SOLVE A PROBLEM LIKE A BASTARD?

So what do we do about it? Even though I’m an expert on bastardism, I am not a public policy expert nor an expert in organizing a post-police society. So, before I give some suggestions, let me tell you what probably won’t solve the problem of bastard cops:

Increased “bias” training. A quarterly or even monthly training session is not capable of covering over years of trauma-based camaraderie in police forces. I can tell you from experience, we don’t take it seriously, the proctors let us cheat on whatever “tests” there are, and we all made fun of it later over coffee.

Tougher laws. I hope you understand by now, cops do not follow the law and will not hold each other accountable to the law. Tougher laws are all the more reason to circle the wagons and protect your brothers and sisters.

More community policing programs. Yes, there is a marginal effect when a few cops get to know members of the community, but look at the protests of 2020: many of the cops pepper-spraying journalists were probably the nice school cop a month ago.

Police officers do not protect and serve people, they protect and serve the status quo, “polite society”, and private property. Using the incremental mechanisms of the status quo will never reform the police because the status quo relies on police violence to exist. Capitalism requires a permanent underclass to exploit for cheap labor and it requires the cops to bring that underclass to heel.

Instead of wasting time with minor tweaks, I recommend exploring the following ideas:

No more qualified immunity. Police officers should be personally liable for all decisions they make in the line of duty.

No more civil asset forfeiture. Did you know that every year, citizens like you lose more cash and property to unaccountable civil asset forfeiture than to all burglaries combined? The police can steal your stuff without charging you with a crime and it makes some police departments very rich.

Break the power of police unions. Police unions make it nearly impossible to fire bad cops and incentivize protecting them to protect the power of the union. A police union is not a labor union; police officers are powerful state agents, not exploited workers.

Require malpractice insurance. Doctors must pay for insurance in case they botch a surgery, police officers should do the same for botching a police raid or other use of force. If human decency won’t motivate police to respect human life, perhaps hitting their wallet might.

Defund, demilitarize, and disarm cops. Thousands of police departments own assault rifles, armored personnel carriers, and stuff you’d see in a warzone. Police officers have grants and huge budgets to spend on guns, ammo, body armor, and combat training. 99% of calls for service require no armed response, yet when all you have is a gun, every problem feels like target practice. Cities are not safer when unaccountable bullies have a monopoly on state violence and the equipment to execute that monopoly.

One final idea: consider abolishing the police.

I know what you’re thinking, “What? We need the police! They protect us!” As someone who did it for nearly a decade, I need you to understand that by and large, police protection is marginal, incidental. It’s an illusion created by decades of copaganda designed to fool you into thinking these brave men and women are holding back the barbarians at the gates.

I alluded to this above: the vast majority of calls for service I handled were theft reports, burglary reports, domestic arguments that hadn’t escalated into violence, loud parties, (houseless) people loitering, traffic collisions, very minor drug possession, and arguments between neighbors. Mostly the mundane ups and downs of life in the community, with little inherent danger. And, like I mentioned, the vast majority of crimes I responded to (even violent ones) had already happened; my unaccountable license to kill was irrelevant.

What I mainly provided was an “objective” third party with the authority to document property damage, ask people to chill out or disperse, or counsel people not to beat each other up. A trained counselor or conflict resolution specialist would be ten times more effective than someone with a gun strapped to his hip wondering if anyone would try to kill him when he showed up. There are many models for community safety that can be explored if we get away from the idea that the only way to be safe is to have a man with a M4 rifle prowling your neighborhood ready at a moment’s notice to write down your name and birthday after you’ve been robbed and beaten.

You might be asking, “What about the armed robbers, the gangsters, the drug dealers, the serial killers?” And yes, in the city I worked, I regularly broke up gang parties, found gang members carrying guns, and handled homicides. I’ve seen some tragic things, from a reformed gangster shot in the head with his brains oozing out to a fifteen year old boy taking his last breath in his screaming mother’s arms thanks to a gang member’s bullet. I know the wages of violence.

This is where we have to have the courage to ask: why do people rob? Why do they join gangs? Why do they get addicted to drugs or sell them? It’s not because they are inherently evil. I submit to you that these are the results of living in a capitalist system that grinds people down and denies them housing, medical care, human dignity, and a say in their government. These are the results of white supremacy pushing people to the margins, excluding them, disrespecting them, and treating their bodies as disposable.

Equally important to remember: disabled and mentally ill people are frequently killed by police officers not trained to recognize and react to disabilities or mental health crises. Some of the people we picture as “violent offenders” are often people struggling with untreated mental illness, often due to economic hardships. Very frequently, the officers sent to “protect the community” escalate this crisis and ultimately wound or kill the person. Your community was not made safer by police violence; a sick member of your community was killed because it was cheaper than treating them. Are you extremely confident you’ll never get sick one day too?

Wrestle with this for a minute: if all of someone’s material needs were met and all the members of their community were fed, clothed, housed, and dignified, why would they need to join a gang? Why would they need to risk their lives selling drugs or breaking into buildings? If mental healthcare was free and was not stigmatized, how many lives would that save?

Would there still be a few bad actors in the world? Sure, probably. What’s my solution for them, you’re no doubt asking. I’ll tell you what: generational poverty, food insecurity, houselessness, and for-profit medical care are all problems that can be solved in our lifetimes by rejecting the dehumanizing meat grinder of capitalism and white supremacy. Once that’s done, we can work on the edge cases together, with clearer hearts not clouded by a corrupt system.

Police abolition is closely related to the idea of prison abolition and the entire concept of banishing the carceral state, meaning, creating a society focused on reconciliation and restorative justice instead of punishment, pain, and suffering — a system that sees people in crisis as humans, not monsters. People who want to abolish the police typically also want to abolish prisons, and the same questions get asked: “What about the bad guys? Where do we put them?” I bring this up because abolitionists don’t want to simply replace cops with armed social workers or prisons with casual detention centers full of puffy leather couches and Playstations. We imagine a world not divided into good guys and bad guys, but rather a world where people’s needs are met and those in crisis receive care, not dehumanization.

Here’s legendary activist and thinker Angela Y. Davis putting it better than I ever could:

“An abolitionist approach that seeks to answer questions such as these would require us to imagine a constellation of alternative strategies and institutions, with the ultimate aim of removing the prison from the social and ideological landscapes of our society. In other words, we would not be looking for prisonlike substitutes for the prison, such as house arrest safeguarded by electronic surveillance bracelets. Rather, positing decarceration as our overarching strategy, we would try to envision a continuum of alternatives to imprisonment-demilitarization of schools, revitalization of education at all levels, a health system that provides free physical and mental care to all, and a justice system based on reparation and reconciliation rather than retribution and vengeance.”

(Are Prisons Obsolete, pg. 107)

I’m not telling you I have the blueprint for a beautiful new world. What I’m telling you is that the system we have right now is broken beyond repair and that it’s time to consider new ways of doing community together. Those new ways need to be negotiated by members of those communities, particularly Black, indigenous, disabled, houseless, and citizens of color historically shoved into the margins of society. Instead of letting Fox News fill your head with nightmares about Hispanic gangs, ask the Hispanic community what they need to thrive. Instead of letting racist politicians scaremonger about pro-Black demonstrators, ask the Black community what they need to meet the needs of the most vulnerable. If you truly desire safety, ask not what your most vulnerable can do for the community, ask what the community can do for the most vulnerable.

A WORLD WITH FEWER BASTARDS IS POSSIBLE

If you take only one thing away from this essay, I hope it’s this: do not talk to cops. But if you only take two things away, I hope the second one is that it’s possible to imagine a different world where unarmed black people, indigenous people, poor people, disabled people, and people of color are not routinely gunned down by unaccountable police officers. It doesn’t have to be this way. Yes, this requires a leap of faith into community models that might feel unfamiliar, but I ask you:

When you see a man dying in the street begging for breath, don’t you want to leap away from that world?

When you see a mother or a daughter shot to death sleeping in their beds, don’t you want to leap away from that world?

When you see a twelve year old boy executed in a public park for the crime of playing with a toy, jesus fucking christ, can you really just stand there and think “This is normal”?

And to any cops who made it this far down, is this really the world you want to live in? Aren’t you tired of the trauma? Aren’t you tired of the soul sickness inherent to the badge? Aren’t you tired of looking the other way when your partners break the law? Are you really willing to kill the next George Floyd, the next Breonna Taylor, the next Tamir Rice? How confident are you that your next use of force will be something you’re proud of? I’m writing this for you too: it’s wrong what our training did to us, it’s wrong that they hardened our hearts to our communities, and it’s wrong to pretend this is normal.

Look, I wouldn’t have been able to hear any of this for much of my life. You reading this now may not be able to hear this yet either. But do me this one favor: just think about it. Just turn it over in your mind for a couple minutes. “Yes, And” me for a minute. Look around you and think about the kind of world you want to live in. Is it one where an all-powerful stranger with a gun keeps you and your neighbors in line with the fear of death, or can you picture a world where, as a community, we embrace our most vulnerable, meet their needs, heal their wounds, honor their dignity, and make them family instead of desperate outsiders?

If you take only three things away from this essay, I hope the third is this: you and your community don’t need bastards to thrive.

RESOURCES TO YES-AND WITH

Achele Mbembe — Necropolitics

Angela Y. Davis — Are Prisons Obsolete?

CriticalResistance.org — Abolition Toolkit

Joe Macaré, Maya Schenwar, and Alana Yu-lan Price — Who Do You Serve, Who Do You Protect?

Ruth Wilson Gilmore — COVID-19, Decarceration, Abolition [video]

[hereticpridevinyl]

Ok I finished your gay!dean manifesto and SCREEEEEEEEEEEEE!! I am incabible of putting words together and sounding coherent cause my brain is melting from my ears and psalms 40:2 has gone and replaced it. Gonna think about it for life but honestly it’s made me such a gay!dean stan now! Can I hear more of your thoughts on it and just why cause it’s so big-brained snd there but I feel like my head has been caved in by the concept cause how tf am i only seeing this NOW???

first of all, i'm so glad you enjoyed my fic! thanks for reading :)

as for the gay dean brainrot... WELCOME BESTIE, JOIN US! gonna preface this all by saying that i adore every sexuality headcanon for dean (except straight—vile energy. evil, even, and wrong) and as a bi person i would be remiss if i didn't acknowledge how wonderful bi dean is. however. HOWEVER.

(under the cut because this got away from me enormously)

i've talked about this a lot on twitter, and i know a lot of people have said this more eloquently than i, but i'll try to sum up my thoughts here.

the way dean is into women is so incredibly performative that often it can't help but be read as an act. there's almost a routine to it: dean meets Beautiful Woman, dean flirts with Beautiful Woman, dean (sometimes, but not always) sleeps with Beautiful Woman, dean pats himself on the back for fulfilling his role of Most Hetero Man In America. it's as if being into women is another aspect of his job, another skill he was taught and forced to utilize, much the same way he was taught to hunt. in early seasons, dean's interactions with woman quickly gain a stale, rote sort of taste. we as the audience expect dean will hit on any attractive woman he sees; dean as a character seems to expect it of himself. there's no anticipation behind these interactions. they're predictable and often lead nowhere—especially if dean thinks the woman is unattainable. dean's hot-blooded all-american cishet lady's man persona is just that—a persona.

we see the cracks in this persona most often during moments that are ostensibly played for laughs. haha, dean likes a show about a sexy male doctor! he gets flustered when he's around the lead haha! he's so masculine and straight and tough but he falls apart when his favorite wrestler shakes his hand and winks at him! he can't form a coherent sentence when he thinks this man is flirting with him, and he's so flustered that he doesn't try to stop it haha! he's psyching himself up for this hookup with a woman because it's funny if he's not confident! look, he likes wearing panties and his comfy bed and cooking for his family and dressing up like a cowboy but those are all things he does in private because he's actually very straight and manly! see? in an effort to make dean seem incontrovertibly heterosexual, his character becomes a parody of himself. these brief moments that we're supposed to laugh at become tragic; watching dean winchester perform his compulsory heterosexuality becomes a waiting game, seeking out those flashes of his true self, his most genuine self, from-moment-to moment.

and then something insane happens: post-season 12, dean stops hooking up with women at all.

his hookups had been waning in the two or three seasons leading up to this point, but after s12 he stops trying completely. it's as if that aggressive need to perform this learned role eventually died out. he just... stops. late seasons dean is a man who would rather stay home and watch lost boys with his husband and his brother and their son for the millionth time than have sex with a woman he's never going to see again. this is who he becomes—and the show forgets to make us laugh this time.

and we all know that supernatural has a disease that almost always keeps them from writing women well—all marginalized groups, actually, but that's a topic for another rambling post—which could be a significant factor as to why dean's most compelling romance-coded relationships are with men, but it can't be the only reason. sam's relationships with women are frequently interesting to watch, and if not groundbreaking, they seem natural. there isn't anything forced or performative about sam being into a woman. obviously the brothers are very different people and cannot be compared one-to-one, but there's definitely something to be said about sam's lack of go crazy go stupid hot girl summer star-crossed lovers cas-benny-crowley situation that dean's got going on at all times.

in my opinion, the best chemistry dean has with a woman is charlie—and while that's very strictly platonic seeing as she's a whole lesbian and probably wouldn't go for dean even if she wasn't, it's undeniable that there's just something intoxicating about watching them on screen together. while i might be biased with this analysis, i think it's worth pointing out: it's like dean's letting out a breath he's been holding his whole life when he's with her. because he knows she's unavailable, he knows there's no world in which she'd be into him, and therefore he doesn't have to bother putting on his macho straight dude persona. he doesn't have to go through the motions of hitting on her, or sleeping with her, because it's out of the question. he can be himself. turns out, "himself" is a huge fucking nerd who likes to pretend he's someone he isn't and hang out with a woman because he loves being her friend and not any other reason. the axe of heterosexuality is no longer hanging over his head.

there's a throwaway interaction way back in s2e11 that sums this up more succinctly than i can:

DEAN: of course, the most troubling question is why do these people assume we're gay?

SAM: well, you are kinda butch. probably think you're overcompensating.

DEAN: (pause) right.

we've got some splendid jacting here where dean gets control of the vessel for a moment and sort of nervously smiles at sam, a sad kind of scoff that just gets me. here's another moment where we're supposed to laugh, but there's nothing funny about the way dean reacts to sam's words. there's no overblown anger, there's no begrudging laugh, he doesn't roll his eyes. he just smiles. looks down. doesn't argue.

[leah-bobeea]

Magazine Girl; Steve Rogers

You ever start writing a fic about a journalist reader at two am who’s eventually gonna end up doing steeb, over his desk, biting down on his expensive leather belt?

❀ ❀ ❀

Warnings: CEO!Steve x Journalist!Reader, Angst, Steve’s a little mean, Bossy Steve, Shy/Anxious reader, Dom!steve, mentions spanking, oral (m receiving), unprotected sex, coercion (a little teensy bit), Bad writing lol

Word Count: 3.9k

A/N: Terrible writing w/ a terribly rushed ending. Written on my phone, in my notes app, not beta read, and barely proofread.

❀ ❀ ❀

Yes, your hands were busy. Not busy typing out a rough draft of this stupid article on Steve Rogers, not busy calling his secretary to set up a meeting with the man, or the closest to him you could get, not busy doing their job at all. They were busy tapping your pen against the glass tabletop of your desk, successfully annoying Wanda, who sent you an aggravated look from across the room.

“Seriously, Y/n?” Wanda moved from where she was at her desk, clearly not making a breakthrough on her article for this month's issue either. You could only shake your head in reply. Throwing your head back to stare at the ceiling, you starting explaining. “Maria gave me this huge article, Wanda. Cover! And, trust me, I know she’s testing me and doesn’t think I’ll actually be able to do it so she can fire me, or belittle me, or- or something! I don’t know what to do, help me, bestie.” As you finished rambling you looked up at her with your best puppy dog eyes, hoping for some of that amazing advice she gives.

Wanda laughed and pulled a chair over from an empty desk, sitting down and haphazardly throwing her feet on top of your cluttered tabletop. “She wouldn’t give you an article you couldn’t handle, she loves you, Y/n. If it’s truly as difficult as you’re making it out as that means that she knows you’re ready for it, and you’ll do amazing. Who’s it on anyway?”

She was doing such a good job at easing your nerves until she brought up the topic. You whined high in your throat and threw your head to the side before uttering, “Steven Rogers,” you turned your body back to Wanda, “What more do I need to say?” Her eyes widened just a little. “Sheesh...I’d start making phone calls, and praying, maybe?”

❀ ❀ ❀

“Hello, Miss. Carter, um- this is Y/n L/n with Shield Mag-“ “Please hold, dear.”

You pulled the phone away from your head and let it rest on your naked thigh, quickly pressing the speaker button. It was times like this when you were grateful that you let your grandma convince you to buy a house phone. Peggy Carter was the fifth person you’d contacted trying to get an interview with this man and she was the second lady that humored you enough to at least pretend like she’d get back to you.

She’s his main assistant so you might have better luck this time...

Thirty minutes later you had your head inches off the ground and your toes wiggling in the air. Humming the annoying hold music to yourself, you braided, unbraided, and re-braided a single strand of your hair. At thirty-nine minutes you were ready to give up until you heard a click on the other line.

You scrambled to turn off the speaker and press the phone back to your ear.

“Miss. Carter I was hoping to set up an interview with Mr. Rogers, over the phone, in person, or through email, if that’s possible?” You asked, hopeful that she wouldn’t shoot you down immediately like everyone else.

“Well, Magazine Girl, I only do in person. But I am a very busy man, so I need to know right away, what’s in it for me?” Your breath hitched and you almost fell and cracked your head open from how startled hearing his voice made you. Then, you nearly gave yourself a head rush from how fast you sat up.

“Well, um, Sir, you would get a headlining article, and uh, a cover on the June issue of Shield Magazine. That’s um, that’s if you want a cover- you don’t have to be on the cover if you don’t want to, just the interview would be mentioned on the cover, but-“ His chuckle was gritty and vivid, effective in stopping your babble. “I’ll see you Friday around noon. Goodbye Magazine Girl.” He hung up on you before you could even comprehend anything but that captivating laugh.

You rubbed at your eyes and grabbed your planner and pen. “Friday at noon...”

❀ ❀ ❀

The next day you were back in the office, sitting in Wanda’s stiff chair with twin caramel lattes sitting in front of you. That was the thing about you, you’d come to work early bearing gifts just to tell your closest friend your good news. You’re sweet like that.

When Wanda arrived it was fifteen minutes later and your latte was halfway gone. Hearing her black stilettos click on the glossy linoleum made you perk up immediately. As she approached, you stood, handing her the latte and wrapping your arms around her lithe body.

“I got an interview!” You squealed, rocking your bodies side to side. She stilled you and smiled. “Gosh, that’s great, Y/n. How’d you get it?”

“Well, I called, like everyone, and he picked up, Wanda! he picked up! I’m scheduled for Friday, and my Lord, Wanda, his laugh, it's like honey...” You trailed off, sighing at the thought of him. Your head was rested on her shoulder, a faint smile on your face. “You’ve got a crush on him!” Wanda exclaimed, grabbing your shoulders and holding you an arm's length away to get a good look at your bashful face.

You gasped, “No I do not! That would be totally unprofessional!” The cackle that erupted from her made her sound like the wicked witch of the west. And honestly, under her stare, you felt like Dorothy stuck under that house.

When Wanda was finally done laughing maliciously she let you go, plopping down in her desk chair and sipping her latte. She pointed over and your desk and gave you a look. “Better start drafting those questions... we wouldn’t want you to blank on your crush.” “Wanda!”

❀ ❀ ❀

The days leading up to Friday were excruciatingly long, yet the hours until twelve flew past all too quickly.

It seemed as if your wardrobe was never ending, full of clothes that you deemed inappropriate for a meeting with the CEO of American Enterprises. You threw yourself back onto the bed, hair and makeup done but body still wrapped in a fluffy white towel. “Oh Milky, what am I gonna wear?” The soft white kitty glared at you from the pillow she was perched on, meowing at you aggressively.

Ten thirty blinked on the clock and you sat up, glancing at all of the clothes that were scattered on the floor. “I guess this will do.” You picked up the same emerald blazer you had chosen originally and layered it over some basic Levi’s, and gray low cut blouse flowing over your form. A belt was necessary, so you grazed over your options. Brown wouldn’t go, even though it was your only fancy belt. The only black one you had was old, the leather cracked and worn, but it had to do. You slipped on some pretty black heels, lucky that you painted your toes a similar color to your blouse. After accessorizing you sprayed your signature perfume, the one that got you your first college-aged boyfriend, and the same one that you were wearing when you got your first real job.

By the time you were on the Metro, it was eleven o’ six, and you were worried. If you were late you’d lose this chance, and probably your job. The car stopped around eleven fifteen, giving you fifteen minutes to make your way to the building, check-in, and try to not seem so nervous.

Finding the building wasn’t difficult at all, after all, it is the second biggest building in New York City, competing with Stark Tower. The “A” at the top wasn’t illuminated, but it still stood out against the other buildings, cowering over them.

You found that the doors were heavy and if you denied Wanda of going to those burn boot camps you would have extreme difficulty prying them open. The inside was classy, just as you expected. The lamps had blue shades and the front desk lit up with a design that resembled the American Flag, but with less curved stripes and only one large star.

The receptionist was one of the women who shot you down immediately when you called and was a little surprised when you checked in. “Hello, I’m here for Mr. Rogers, twelve o’clock?” She searched for something on her computer, clearly trying to see if the appointment was legitimate. When you were proven correct, she handed you a temporary security badge and a sharpie to write your name on it. “Have a seat over there when you’re finished. I’ll call for you when Mr. Rogers is ready for you.” She smiled, it was fake, but it helped you feel more comfortable.

The red couch was stiff and small, clearly not meant for long periods of sitting. The badge was clipped onto your blouse, not your blazer, and the weight of it was pulling at the already low cut neckline. You thought about moving it, but your attention was quickly turned to the coffee table, where your magazine sat, opened to an article you wrote. Your hands were a little shaky as you went to close the magazine, but you were interrupted before you could grasp the bent pages.

“Miss. Y/n? Mr. Rogers is ready for your interview. Head up to floor thirty six, the door on the right.” Miss receptionist sounded bored, her eyes never left the monitor in front of her. “Thanks.”

Some of the others in the waiting area looked up to you after hearing where you were going, causing you to blush.

You felt lucky to get the elevator to yourself. Thirty-six floors is a long way to go, yet you got there in under three. In the elevator you adjusted your outfit and flattened your hair, hoping it wasn’t frizzy.

The door on the right was clearly not just a meeting room but an office, which you thought was odd. You also found it odd that no one was in the room, you expected to at least be met with his assistant or secretary, if not Steve himself.

Your eyes scanned the room to make sure it was completely empty before taking a seat on the leather chair on the opposite side of the big desk. You opened your notebook and got out your lucky rooster pen before going over your questions once again, hoping he didn’t think they were stupid.

You waited fifteen minutes for him, growing increasingly irked as the minutes built up. When he walked through the door you felt like your heart stopped.

Six-four build covered in a black suit and tie, white undershirt pristine. Blonde hair disheveled and a perfectly manicured beard. The door slammed shut and you heard the clinking sound of a glass being set down. Steve lifted his head and you snapped yours to the front, hoping he didn’t catch you checking him out.

The room was silent besides a rustling coming from behind you. You busied yourself with your notebook, highlighting the questions you wanted to ask most.

“You’re a very patient girl.” He observed. Steve made you wait on purpose. He knew from the first person you called that you wanted an interview, he was friends with Maria Hill after all. But he wanted some entertainment, and after looking into you, he knew you were the right girl. So far he’s made you wait an hour and fourteen minutes for just a smidge of his attention.

“Yes, Sir.” You mumbled, accidentally stopping the highlighter too soon, pressing it down, and letting the pink ink bleed to the next page. He hummed in approval as he rounded the corner, drink in his hand, coat jacket discarded, sleeves rolled up, first couple buttons loose. Finally, Steve sat in the big chair, keeping eye contact with you as he leaned forward, resting his elbows on the mahogany table.

“Give me that.” Your eyebrows furrowed at his statement, “What?” You asked, putting your pen down on your lap. Steve motioned for your notebook, and you opened your mouth, starting to stumble over your words. “Oh? um- Okay?” You handed it over to him and he relaxed back into his chair. A question bubbled in your throat, but you didn’t let it escape. Instead, you watched as his eyes scanned the papers, blue cursive, and pink highlighter, little stars and flowers drawn in the corners. “Mr. Rogers, are you ready to start the interview?” You tapped your watch, twelve twenty four.

He nodded, “Yes, I’m ready.” You cleared your throat and went to ask for your notebook, but he beat you to it. “Miss. L/n, is there an achievement or something that you’ve contributed to me that you are most proud of?” Why was he asking you your own questions? “Sir, I-“ He cut you off once again. “Answer the question, doll.”

You huffed and crossed your arms over your chest. “I- um, no. I haven’t contributed anything to you that I should be proud of, Sir.”

“Is there a particular moment or memory of building this relationship that stands out to you?” He continued with the questions, tilting his head to the side. Why was he twisting the questions onto you? When you didn’t come up with an answer he chuckled, sounding sickly sweet like molasses dripping straight from the sugarcane. “Patience finally wearing thin, honey?” You nodded eyes staring at his chest, you couldn’t quite muster up the courage to look him in the eye.

He snapped your notebook closed and slid it towards your side of the grand desk. “You couldn’t answer my questions correctly, Y/n.” You nodded, eyes now downcast, admiring the pattern on the blue carpet. You felt like you were going to cry. This big scary man was mean and just wouldn’t let you conduct your interview and you didn’t know why. “I’m sorry, Sir.”

“I know you are, doll. But, if you can’t answer my questions how can I answer yours? You have nothing to offer me.” This was it, you were losing your chance. “Business wise, that is.” Your head shook, and your hands were clasped together, your left thumb rubbing your right nail back and forth. “I don’t understand, Sir.”

“I’m friends with Maria, Y/n. If you’re able to get this article done and get me on the cover you’re gonna get a promotion, you want that, right doll?” Your eyes went wide, “Yes, Sir.” Now, he stood, coming around to the front where you are and leaning against the desk. “She said to make it difficult, but I don’t care enough to do all that. So, doll, I’ll answer your questions. They’re quite good actually. And I’ll do a little photoshoot for the cover, but you’ll need to pay me back.” You gulped, hands suddenly sweaty, you felt like a little chihuahua, trembling under his gaze.

“How? Um, how do I pay you?” Gosh, even your voice was shaky. “Stand up. Lose the blazer.” Steve commanded, slowly unbuckling his belt. You could faintly tell from the buckle that it was Hermès. You stood and took off your blazer in a rush, folding it poorly and setting it on the arm of the chair. “Atta girl.”

He placed his hands on your shoulders and then ran them down to your hands, giving them a little squeeze before he hooked his index fingers into your belt loops, pulling you closer. So close that the tips of your shoes were touching. He leaned down to kiss your neck and you stiffened, but when he grazed his teeth over the bruised spot he just created you melted into him, your hands grasping at the pristine white button up, letting out a little whimper.

Steve pushed you back a little and took in your form, then he pulled the little security badge off, tossing it to the side. Like a little kid, he pulled at the neckline of your shirt. “Off.” You would’ve giggled at him if he didn’t look so scary right now. His blue eyes were piercing into yours, left hand so tight on your hip you thought he might leave bruises.

By the time your shirt hit the floor, he was pushing at your shoulders, hinting at you to go to your knees. “Sir, I don’t know-“

You started, knees hitting the carpet underneath you. He shushed you and guided your head to look up at him. “It's okay, baby, you don’t have to know how. I’ll do all the work, doll. Now, undo your bra.” As expected you did as he asked immediately, fumbling with the clasp until it fell down your arms. It ended up next to your thigh as you watched him pull his belt through the loops.

Steve walked around you and kneeled down, belt in his hands. “Put your hands behind your back.” You nodded immediately, so submissive, completely at his mercy. “Yes, Sir.” Steve loved how polite you were. He made quick work of restraining you, tying your hands to rest against your jean clad ass. The metal felt harsh against your skin and the soft, expensive leather snaked up your arms.

When he was back in front of you he sighed and shook his head. “I should’ve had you unzip me first.” Hearing Steve say that finally brought you to the reality of what was about to happen. You watched with big eyes as he undid the button and then the zipper, the sound making you tremble. His dress pants puddled on the floor and you were in awe as he massaged his bulge through his boxers. Slowly, he pulled them down to the middle of his thighs. His cock bounced up to hit his abdomen and he hissed as he stroked it a few times. “Open as wide as you can, honey.”

As always, you did as asked. Your tongue stuck out a little, wetting your bottom lip. He grasped the back of your head and leaned you forward a little, then you felt his blunt tip on your tongue. You gagged and spluttered when Steve was about halfway seated, he pulled out and leaned down, kissing you sloppily. “Breathe through your nose, baby. Don’t forget.” Then he was back at slowly entering your throat. “Fuck...” he grunted, finally fully seated in your throat, your nose pressed against his nicely groomed pubic hair. He caressed your throat then, rubbing the bulge in your throat, resisting the urge to press down and have you choke on his cock even more. “So good, Y/n.”

Steve started rocking into your throat, slowly fucking it as spit leaked from the corners of your mouth. After minutes of abusing your throat, he finally pulled out, adoring the way tears ran down your cheeks and how you hiccupped, wanting to desperately rub at your raw throat to soothe it. Your hands pulled at the belt and your eyes begged Steve to undo it. “Up, doll.”

He hoisted you up from your armpits and bent you over the desk. Steve pressed kisses down your back and reached in front of you, unbuckling your belt and throwing it somewhere to the left of you, then he unbuttoned and unzipped your pants, tugging them down with fervor.

Steve undid your restraints and left more kisses down your back until he reached your ass, spreading your cheeks to reveal your tight hole and glistening cunt. “I’d love to see this ass all bruised and red, but I’ll have to save that for another day.” His index and middle finger ran circles on your clit, your back arching to press into him more. “Sir, please!” You gasped, your hand flying out to the edge of the table and nearly knocking over the glass of whiskey he left on a coaster when Steve finally pushed two fingers into your aching hole.

“Gotta open you up first, doll, get you all sloppy and ready for my cock.” You cried out as he hooked his fingers, rubbing the magic spot inside of you. “Please, Steve, please.” He cooed at you, pulling his fingers out, and instead traced his name over your clit. “You gonna come, baby? Huh? You gonna drench my fingers, little girl?” You were moaning in wanton, hips humping his hand desperately. He brought his other hand down and started fingerfucking you again, giving you just enough to push you over the edge.

Your moans were breathy, your legs twitching, and you were panting by the time your orgasm faded. “I hope you know I’m not done with you yet, doll, I still haven’t come inside you.” That made you whine high in your throat and you tried, to no avail, to slam your legs shut around his hand.

Steve’s right hand fisted his cock a few times, making sure he’s rock hard and dripping with pre-cum, while his left kept your lips spread, showing him your gorgeous pussy. The blunt head at your entrance shocked you, and you yelped at the intrusion. “Sir!”

He leaned his head down and spit where you were joined, trying to make the glide even easier. “Shut up, doll.” He snapped after you cried out. Once he was as deep as possible inside of you he reached for his belt, looping it over as if he was going to spank you, and stuffed it into your mouth. “Bite down,” Steve demanded, a hand snaked around to the front of your neck where he was applying light pressure.

When you tried to push back against him he held your hips down against the wood steadily and started snapping his hips at a fast speed. Each thrust pushed you down onto the table, letting your clit rub against the mahogany wood.

Your vision felt spacey like you could black out any moment as he choked you. Your orgasm washed over you and you had to use all the strength you had in you to keep biting down on the belt. You didn’t want to know what would happen if you disobeyed his and let it go. Steve’s hips harshly snapped against your ass a few more times before he stilled inside of you, filling you with his spunk.

Before Steve cleaned you up and let you leave his office he had to finger his cum back inside of you, making sure none of it went to waste. Then, he made sure you had a way home, and a way to contact him, because, “Now you’re no longer Magazine Girl, but My Girl.”

@lo-bells