#based on how much i make them suffer
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octavinelle hcs and projections 🦑🦈
⚠️ warnings: self harm, restrictive eating disorders, self destructive behavior below the cut! there are wholesome hcs too i swear
last updated: nov 10, 2023
collective headcanon: jade and azul learned the common language from textbooks (which is why they talk formally), but floyd learned from listening to sailors speak.
╰ underwater merfolk communicate through clicks + other sounds
FLOYD LEECH !! 🦈🫧
🇯🇵🇧🇧🌺 UNLABLED + GENDERFLUID (he/any)
APPEARANCE HCS:
floyd is mixed with black and tan (#D9AD91- Salmon Sand in the winter)
i think he has really large freckles across his body. i hc him to be bajan because this is the species of moray i hc the tweels to be
╰ i also made a deranged twitter thread about this
floyd has a shit ton of scars and even bite marks from old "play fights"
his two rows of moray teeth manifested in his human form as extra overgrown teeth. he doesn't mind because he thinks they look cool
in merform, both he and jade have two sets of teeth and a pharyngeal jaw
RANDOM HCS:
floyd is 1 inch taller than jade and makes sure jade knows it
bites his tongue and the inside of his cheek on purpose and on accident
she has been banned from painting her nails or doing anything messy other than cooking inside of the lounge ever since The Incident.
floyd has ataxia symptoms on land and is a part-time cane user
has severe mamas boy syndrome and will freak out if he cant talk to her at the end of each week about what he accomplished (didnt bite anyone for the WHOLE day)
he thinks its so cool you can put colors in your hair and on your face above water (why i think he'd be into decora and scene)
enjoys okinawan gyaru styles and traditional hawaiian culture/fashion also
it has BPD, GAD, and separation anxiety!!!
triggering content ahead !!
has been a "delinquent" for half his life and has run away a few times
during his depressive episodes he'll forget to eat for days on end
he can also be self destructive during these episodes (self harm)
he can also get really quiet and it scares the shit out of azul (jade is used to it)
gets really (and reasonably) upset when people other than jade or azul mention his mood swings negatively because he's sensitive about it
channels his anger into cooking rather than fighting or cutting
AZUL ASHENGROTTO !! 🐙⛵
🇮🇹🇭🇹🌺 BISEXUAL INTERSEX + TRANSFEM (she/he)
APPEARANCE HCS:
AZUL IS FAT AND HAS BREAST TISSUE (my azul hc art for reference)
in my head she looks like mama morton from the chicago musical
i base azul off of the octopus hawaiiensis, thus the vitiligo
he has longer front teeth and sharper teeth, resembling an octopus beak
rectangular pupils
has splatoon hair 🔥
RANDOM HCS:
i am a drag queen azul believer. one of his dreams is to preform in the lounge
extremely double jointed/a contortionist because. octopus.
doesnt make food in the lounge anymore because its so spicy and ethnic it started scaring the pomefiore customers </3 its not her fault shes haitian...
has severe claudication/phantom limb pains and is a part-time wheelchair user, sometimes she uses a cane. book 6 was really taxing on her legs
GAD, ASPD, and gender dysphoria
triggering content ahead !!
has a restrictive eating disorder
back at his moms restaurant, he would purge after being a taste tester
used to self harm when she was younger but is years clean now!
JADE LEECH !! 🐬🌊
🇯🇵🇧🇧🌺 ASEXUAL AROMANTIC + AGENDER (they/he)
APPEARANCE HCS:
pretty similar if not the same as floyd's
jade is a bit paler than floyd despite going outside more (theyre anemic)
i think his makeup and fashion styles interchange at breakneck speeds
monday evil emo ecopunk , tuesday dainty fairy mushroom enjoyer (still evil)
shaved eyebrows
RANDOM HCS:
similarly to floyd, they use a lot of petnames, but normal ones
╰ instead of "goldfishie," he might call riddle dear/honey
also has extra overgrown teeth in human form but hes self-conscious about it
has milder symptoms of ataxia, also a part-time cane user
really good listener and a really good talker. theyll go on hour long rants about what he found on his daily trek, a new recipe he tried, etc
has a lot of random hobbies! the main ones are swimming, stamp collecting, going on walks, and journaling/scrapbooking
owns those DIY jar terrariums as well as a few mini-aquariums
also owns multiple exotic pets/bugs! i think he owns leeche
GAD and autism. his special interests are botony and wildlife
#twst#twisted wonderland#twst headcanons#octavinelle#floyd leech#azul ashengrotto#jade leech#the tweels#you can tell who my faves are#based on how much i make them suffer#projecting
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#YES! GIVE ME THAT FANFIC ANGST!#IT'LL MAKE ME CRY BUT IT'S WORTH IT!#it's just so rare to see Katarina so self-depricating in the first place#but now she has good reason to be#if I was her I would be too!#Hamefura#honestly On The Verge of Doom is SO much better than I thought it would be!#like new plot#new struggles#Katarina's done a lot of horrid things but she's desperately trying to make up for them#hustle hustle hustle!#my poor baby doesn't have a big harem that she personally helped to rely on#like Alan and Keith (Keith especially) are such DIFFERENT people!#Alan Nicol and Sophia hardly appear#and only Geordo (and maybe Mary and Maria) seem to actually be lovestruck and that isn't until towards the end#this means that lots of the characters also act differently with each other!#Keith and Geordo don't have a rivalry and it's more of like a “Keep her safe will you?”#we get more insight into Maria being all insecure and don't see her mother at all#because even if Katarina still wanted to see how real fields looked#she wouldn't have any reason to go to Maria's hometown if she feels like she's made Maria suffer so heavily!#which makes sense#I adore that there's more focus on sword fighting too!#also Sienna is the sweetest baby ever! it's a shame that she doesn't appear at all in canon but it makes sense#anyway! yes! Verge of Doom is good!#I finished it all in one four-hour take!#I wouldn't mind getting maybe an anime spin-off based on Verge of Doom#goooosh! I love it! I'm going to go read some fluffy fanfic stuff now!
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this pisses me off so bad, i shouldn't be thinking about it for my own mental health, but even with my somewhat limited knowledge of bnha canon the more i think about it the more examples i can find of boku no hero academia's rampant fucking ableism
#rant in tags#bakugo shouto nagant dabi toga twice shigaraki compress all might CHISAKI#the fact that the only 'hero' character who has canon symptoms of a psychological issue/trauma is bakugo#those symptoms of a psychological illness are anger issues#and the anger issues get treated as an immutable part of his character (and as the butt of jokes!)#AND he's presented/used as an antagonistic character despite being a 'hero' character#*AND* those anger issues are used as rationale for severe human rights violations done to bakugo!#(specifically i'm thinking of the sports festival bullshit)#<-ALL OF THIS SHIT WAS A DELIBERATE DECISION ON THE PART OF THE CREATOR/S.#the fact that the only presented psychological symptoms of the abuse shouto canonically suffered are being stand-offish and socially awkwar#and the “quirky cute” kind of socially awkward too. rather than the kind that makes you unpopular and deeply isolated and lonely#<-deliberate decision on the part of the creator/s.#nagant is presented as unrealistically unaffected by over a decade in solitary confinement#a torture method that can infamously produce severe and long-lasting trauma within a couple of DAYS#and it's even more egregious when you look at how chisaki responds to solitary confinement in the story#because chisaki was in solitary for a much shorter time than nagant#<-this shit was a deliberate decision on horikoshi's part. it was in the manga. i read it.#the fact that dabi's scars and shigaraki's skin conditions are both used to mark them as 'ugly' and therefore as villains#<-DELIBERATE DECISION BY HORIKOSHI. PART OF THEIR CHARACTER DESIGN.#toga's character is pretty clearly based off of the homophobic 'lesbian vampire' trope (which is homophobia not ableism)#AND her desire/need for blood is treated as something that makes her inherently 'weird' or 'deviant' or 'creepy'#suffusing even her character design and the way she moves and talks.#<-DELIBERATE. DECISION. BY. HORIKOSHI.#twice? yeah sure he's sympathetic. but his backstory presents his neurodivergence as a punishment for laziness/selfishness#and it's treated as a gag. twice is a gag character. and the gag is his neurodivergence.#<-DELIBERATE DECISION BY HORIKOSHI. you get the point by now.#compress loses his arm and gets it replaced with a prosthetic that functions exactly like an organic arm.#<-deliberate decision by horikoshi.#all might coughing up blood being used as humor#*and* the fact that his injuries and the way they disable him are treated as this oh-so-terrible-secret
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i love not knowing if i'll ever be healthy again i love all of the time i've used to move my body become nothing i love spending my adulthood wasting away year after year for various reasons baby!
#i know i'm being dramatic and privileged etc etc right now but i hate living like this#i probably had covid in the beginning of august and since then my heart and lungs have just been fucked#so now i'm probably looking at at least 2 years of long covid and maybe permanent neurological damage#could i be lucky and get better in few more months? maybe. do i believe that will happen? no. optimistically maybe next summer id be better#my symptoms are not that bad considering what i know other people have suffered but at the same time that makes it feel not real#otherwise i'm pretty much fine except i feel like fainting alot after standing up or excerting myself and anything beyond walking#spikes my hr to 160 and right now even laying down my hr is around 80. this comes with the associated shortness of breath etc#what fucks me up about this is that my normal hr is low with my rhr being under 50bpm and i'm physically active#so basically i've went from regular running and half marathons being no issue to not being able to jog 1km at the slowest pace possible#without spiking my hr to zone 4#so now with the recovery time of this being however long if properly ever i'll have to basically start all over again with everything#i biked to the grocery store yesterday and that took me out for the rest of the day because my heart rate just didn't go down afterwards#outwards i look fine and i wouldn't be as affected if sports and moving wasn't a part of my life and relationships but it is#i've read studies about recovery times and a lot of them don't feel applicable because the test groups are either very different from me#based on the baseline health info such as activity levels or they're elite atheletes which i am not#some have given me hope that keeping my hr under like 130 by doing activities like walking until maybe someday things get better works#but who knows and even if it does this will be yet another thing that takes the littlest bits of muscle tissue i have on me away once again#because besides deconditioning muscle loss is yet another symptom. so i will be even weaker than i am right now#i don't know how much of what i'm experiencing in terms of mental effects is from anxiety over my physical health and how much is brainfog#but we'll see i'll just have to start walking a lot every day and keep up with simple and slow strenght training so i'll want to die less#i don't think my family will ever properly understand because almost all of them are athletes and the one who isn't never does any excercis#so either i just look like i'm weak but i was always weak so it's not a big deal or my experience isn't really that important#this is so so so pathetic both my reaction and the issue but it's difficult to not feel this way especially with the uncertainty#shit talking
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#I want complaine not only about bad takes in this fandom but also about theories that just!! so!! stupid!! but also I'm a good person that#doesn't shit on other people's fun#so I mostly suffer in silence#and block people in bunches#'you see! this theory absolutely doesn't take agency from character and doesn't minimize emotional impact!'#says person about theory that roughly summariasized as 'Crowley AGAIN knows more than Aziraphale and it's all so SAD because if only#Aziraphale knew he wouldn't make this desicion!'#I want to scream#somehow it also never about what kind of monster Crowley would be to willingly hide memories Aziraphale supposedly erised and never gave it#back in whole four years they had before season two#like. maybe not be a cowards and embrace 'I was a pussy and somehow didn't get a courage to RESTORE MY FRIEND'S MEMORY with some kind of#VITAL INFORMATION that could've IMPACT HIS LIFE OR DEAT DESICIONS#and now he's in place where he could be abused erased or killed and IT'S MY FAULT' angle hmmm?#at least it could've made it interesting#but noooo#also how the fuck them kissing in 1941 should've impact Aziraphale's desicion anyway I can't get logic behind this theories#(the angle with 'memories are not about some stupid kiss but about what Crowley saw in heavens' could've work but like first: Crowley didn'#saw anything Aziraphale won't hear from Metatron in next scene or can extrapolate using base logic#and anyway if Crowley wanted to use it as argument he like. should've start with it and not with 'blah blah you're an idiot we should run#from earth'#AT BEST I could've get behind him giving Aziraphale some kind of weapon or possibility of safe out or like. hell's fire to self destruct as#last resort. but memories? and especially Aziraphale's memories??)#anyway yes it's me being a hater. I just have no place to vent about it but I sure hope that no one that likes this theories will see it.#you do you!!! but I hate it so much!!!
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hate to break it to yall but a lot of kids who were designated as gifted in like elementary school in fact did absolutely not fit easily into the school system. in fact, that difficulty with the system is often the very reason they get the label gifted in the first place.
#i do very much agree with a lot of the criticism against people who make having been designated gifted their entire personality#like absolutely 100% those people tend to be the fucking worst. but i think that those critiques are always based on the american school#system that apparently has such a thing as a gifted program that separates out those kids to make them just insufferable.#whereas majority of kids in the situation of being stamped as gifted in fact never benefit from that and yeah often suffer from burnout#later because teachers don’t pay attention to them and expect them to just be able to handle anything. not to mention they’re very often#neurodivergent and suffering from bullying from peers and frankly not rarely from teachers also.#i don’t see how conflating the two categories is really helpful.#like kids on both ends of the adults’ imaginary spectrum from learning disability and gifted are ultimately made to suffer by the very#system we are criticizing.#p
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^ GAH !
^ GAH !!!!!!!!!!!!!
#funger screenshots#didnt get screenshots of her final speech where she comforts the pc and tells them to rest bc the text faded out too fast but OH my god man#THERE IS SO MUCH TO ALL OF THIS. I FEEL SICK#THE NEWBORN GODS STRUGGLE TO DEFINE HERSELF AND FIND A BODY IN 'FEAR AND HUNGER'. THE RECOGNITION OF YOUR PAIN- THROUGH--#--HER OWN SUFFERING SHE ASCENDED AND IT WAS RIGHT ALONGSIDE YOU SHE BLED#for all the pcs possible kindness (the doll and the dagger- u can see her reminiscing over the dagger here) they still brought her deeper#they still made her fight alongside them and they still obeyed nilvans plea and brought her to the heart of darkness. kindness wasnt enough#putting this w the knowledge given in termina- fear as motivation and hunger to keep humanity moving forwards driving them to technological#--advances unheard of before- makes this so bittersweet. the world was stagnating under the rule of the new gods and in the absence of the-#--old. its as nosramus says- extinction approaches. it was a necessary cruelty to birth the god of fear and hunger but it still HURTS#the expression of seeming ecstasy on the fourth phases face. how she retains at least Some semblance of the girl (the hair mostly) until--#--she finally settles upon the SCARECROW (<-- !!!!!!!! WTF) form. THE SKIN YOU CAN SEE SLOUGHED OFF AT THE SCARECROWS BASE#elaboration on the scarecrow bit. fear and hunger. frightens birds away from food. my GOD
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what's the theme you're fucking going for here voliiii!!! what are you fucking getting at!!! what are you trying to say, what's the point??
#still working on this drama chapter in Swept Up. they're. confusing to work with? from an empathy standpoint at least.#skill who is trying to honestly understand the other skills VS skill who is just always lying and putting on an act.#and then theres the whole thing that im not going to spoil yet but the dynamic. fuck man. i dont even know what im trying to say here#lying is bad? no i dont care about that. honest communication is important maybe? i feel like i need a central theme for this.#and i dont want the theme to be ''empathy good'' because low-empathy people are also good and i love them!! and also:#empathy is a flawed character!! i try to portray this. i dont like moralism/centrism which empathy believes in and is the main skill for#empathy you stupid centralist (affectionate) i know this is just because you don't know how to make everyone happy. who can fix this?#you dont think you can fix this! you feel too much debilitating sadness to make meaningful change!! responsibilite to others more capable#still. i do depict empathy as often kind on a small level because i think that's in character. empathy just helps you understand.#i guess this fic is also a ''empathy doesn't mean kindness. kindness is a choice you can make afterwards but empathy just means empathy''#but that's not a centralizing theme that all the chapters share. its also about vulnerability and the mortifying ordeal of being known#urgh. i'll think about it some more. knowing me its probably another ''love (in all forms) is the meaning to life'' type story lmao <3#i need to make a skill chart for this harry. all i know is that Volition is his skill signature but Empathy is his highest stat#hyper-empathetic harry with the rsd that comes from adhd!! haha!! suffering. everybody fucking hate you. this is based on me btw lmao#i was working on voli's chapter which has a flashback and child empathy! new to the mindspace looking out through harry's eyes and crying#the world is full of sad people and it's just too much for a lil guy! the backstory i have planned for this like. huh okay. wild. anyway!!#oh shit ive made a fucking breakthrough with the drama chapter. its not a theme but its something i figured out at least. we stay winning!!#chemi chats#task: swept up
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It’s such a foreign concept to me that bad people get to be happy. I know we as people make our own happiness but I don’t understand how people who went out of their way to hurt people get to be happy while the people they hurt have to suffer with what they did to them.
#stupid shit#I lurked again#I want her to suffer so much which makes me a bad human being but it is truly not fair#it’s not fair that we live in this narrative that she’s the uwu soft I just love to spread kindness girl#even though we ALL KNOW she wasn’t#it was a stupid TikTok I watched of hers#she went through each month one by one and ranked them based on what happened and it was SO sugarcoated#‘my friend group started to fall apart (for the best)’#yeah maybe it fell apart because you were lying to everyone about being sexually assaulted????#and that your BEST FRIEND tried kissing you when everyone knew damn well that she would NEVER because she loves her boyfriend to death#or what about the time where you cheated on your then boyfriend with two#maybe three other guys???#and what about you calling off work every other day claiming you were sick but you really just didn’t want to come in???#then you have to take a leave of absence because you were too sick to stand up but I guess not too sick to go to Disney#weird huh#then she goes on how she ‘found happiness’ being closer with her family and old friends#yeah I guess you had to do that because everyone knew all of the shit that she’d do#I hope your boyfriend breaks up with you because you deserve nothing homegirl ❤️🥰🫶🫰
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Being a DM is hell because your friends create blorbos for YOUR STORY and then you accidentally become obsessed with said blorbos and now YOU have to make the content for a blorbo that ISNT EVEN YOURS because YOU’RE THE ONE WHO MAKES THE BLORBO GO FORWARD!!!!!!!!!!
#dnd#d&d#the hell of being a dm is that all my Players made REALLY GOOD blorbos and I LOVE them#blorbos#so many I love them so much#my babies my home fries I must torture them and make them suffer so so much#every time i dm#I write nightmares for them based on their backstory. they are…graphic#lmao when ur a fic writer but the fics u write are for blorbos that other people put into YOUR OWN world??????#kill me#@konekokleptic#@goldenheartfailure#guess how fuckin horrifying the new nightmares are#guess
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having an idea in my head that seems too big for my writing capabilities is just *sweating profusely* but i stay silly :3
#writing struggles#i want to write a story based on the guardian show (with some elements from the guardian novel for sure)#which challenges/overtunes the societal structures within the dixing society to be more in the favour of the people#such a shame that the guardian changed the plot to such a level to make it more as higher ground vs underground society#instead of the original idea of basically ghost town city#and then stuck to the original plot of the evil main antagonist#when there's a whole discussion to be had about the struggles of the dixiangs#and how most antagonists are dixiangs because the lack of opportunities and support are the ones that make them run away to haixing#only to suffer there by risking hatred contempt and violence; no wonder that most of them turn to (petty) crimes#and of course there's a whole parallel discussion to be had about the involvement of the black cloaked envoy#and how much he's even aware of having been alive for as long as he has
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ok apparently 30 tags is the limit on tumblr and I'm putting it here because I couldn't put it in the tags
for my own curiosity, because my tragedy enjoying boggles the minds of a bunch of my irl social circle.
#poll is over but screw it i wanna rant#4 for me i think???#i don't feel like exposing my tastes too much but i usually need a good ending. or if not straight up good i need hope#like the few stories that made me unable to think about anything else for a while were all really dark#(by my standards i'm sure there's darker stuff out there)#with an ambiguous ending. but like. i prefer some closure. one book i read#it was very good and very famous but i will NOT name it here#had hopelessness as the whole point (specifically going against a system as an individual)#and it made me feel really bad for several weeks. like. i'm not mad about it. i think it was the point to make people uncomfortable#but also i kinda... need to be able to function in day to day life yknow. i can't be just thinking about amazing stories that broke me#i like angst. i'm finally in my emo phase. i want the characters to suffer but also win in the end. and if the suffering is really bad#that's probably the kind of dark fiction i enjoy. they don't even always have to win. i like it when something is basically#lost before you even start fighting#i guess it's about hope again (and having that hope crushed at the end)#but like. i still would prefer if it didn't end there and things slowly got better again#like i would say evangelion is pretty dark. but its ultimate ending was Good (I think. based on what i remember). things got Better#and then. sigh. euphoria is DEFINITELY dark and it ends just after they escape. the world isn't welcoming. they don't#have anywhere to go. but they are out and together. that's honestly one of my favorite endings ever#one of the reasons why i can't shut up about the gamd#game*#and my current favorite fanfiction has many dark elements but overall seems to be following the source material's progression#as in. things are Bad but they're not bad enough to stop trying. also it's set between two of the games#so like... no matter what happens i know how things end. which is comforting#and i guess i have to atleast mention this#kingdom hearts is light (ahahaahhahh) but also... it has a lot of fluff for sure. and i don't really like fluff for the sake of fluff#i honestly really enjoy it only in fanfics for stories where the characters don't get a break and you just want them to be happy for once#one of my guilty pleasures in fanfic is high school aus (i blame snk junior high for that)#it's stupid and the stakes are low but the characters are happy. and sometimes i need stuff like that#so like YEAH i guess i still prefer lighter stuff#but some dark stories are good. and others are good but i can't read them for my sanity's sake
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A meme from when I watched the original now the remakes come out.
#I will probably watch the new one because from the trailers it actually looks like the rare pointless American remake where it might#actually fix some of the issues i had with the stroy structre of the original#like basically i dont cinema sins stuff typically. i get the meaning of the film#but for a film that gets so much of its good stuff early on from like how realisitic the characters are#i did feel like the final act lost so much because they stopped feeling realisitic to me#the stakes were raised too quickly#and the characters stopped making realistic decisions based on the#actual stuff they now knew. like for a couple with very good communication. the entire final act hinges on them suddenly not#communicating vital information to each other for no apparent reason#like i know she was tired dude but while you were getting her in the car you should have just told her why you were leaving#its not like she wasn't even more distrustful of them theny you were#anyway the final act of the remake looks.like its getting more violent and chessy which honestly might fix it a bit#but it will probably suffer so much in the process. taking away how well the film used multiple langauges is probably#going to suck a lot
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Zodi/Celeste/Raine is somehow both my baby and also the girl my inner little weird girl looks up to so much she adopts parts of her as her personality
#Making Zodi so into entomology got ME into it enough that I got over my phobia of bees#And now things that I think first that she would like I end up liking myself a bit more than I have in the past#like green apple and coconut smells#Instead of basing your OC off your personality....base your personality off your OC LOL#I'm kidding but seriously the adult version of her I have planned would be the absolute coolest friend to have I think#I think creating her I just took a lot of traits I admire and smashed them into one character#She loves being feminine but she's also super tomboyish#She's wicked smart both in street smarts and academics#She has an ambiguous enough tragic backstory and affliction that anyone with a chronic illness#mental health issues#or has done something horrible and regrets it so so much#would be able to relate to her (symbolically at least)#She's a weird girl with weird interests#She's loyal near to a fault#She can treat most afflictions because her ADHD butt has a special interests in medivial/magic medicine#But she is also far from perfect because she does things WRONG and suffers for it#and tries to right it#And suffers with a lot of jealousy problems and some anxieties#She gets angry and bottles up that anger sometimes till she lashes out#But she's also super forgiving because she KNOWS how doing things you regret feels all to well#Idk I just love her#Im thinking about her and she is by far my favourite girl#I've seriously considered taking her and using her in another story#Like she would still be a Tangled OC but at the same time....I'd also take the exact same character#and build a nice story for her to star in bc she is my baby and something I like this much really should have its own thing#Oh I forgot to mention too that I just really like that she doesn't have much focus on things like kids and romance#Like yeah she COULD she has nothing against it but....why tho?#She could take it or leave it. She doesn't need it so she focuses on her own things.#And I also love that I can like her so much and not be trying to ship her with anyone#that's one of my favourite features about her
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#I hate how I don’t trust my parents to be okay with my chronic pain to the extent where instead of texting them to ask them to grab me an#ice pack I waited until I stopped uncontrollably shaking enough that I could limp to the kitchen and back using my cane and the walls#and while they probably would have gotten me an ice pack that would have been it#it would have been here’s the ice pack. maybe can I do anything else to which the answer is no and then they would have just left#if I texted them right when I was able to I would have been on the floor shaking and crying from pain.#their reaction would have been to walk away once they did what I asked#and I’m not saying this based on nothing. I’m saying this because that is exactly what has happened every other time I have been stuck on#the floor in pain and needed a hot water bottle or ice pack or medicine or whatever#I would get it and then they’d leave again and tell me to ask them if I need anything else#there’s never any compassion or trying to make me more comfortable or just being with me so I’m not stuck on the bathroom floor for who#knows how long alone and in pain and miserable. there was never any comfort or compassion#and it hurts so much more than the physical pain I’m in right now#and I don’t want to deal with that again#so I chose to go get the ice pack myself despite not being able to use one of my legs because the alternative is worse.#being actively left to suffer alone is worse than choosing to be alone and in more pain#and that sucks. realizing that sucks#and I’m out of water and I was already lightheaded and now I’m crying and I need to get more water but I can’t stand#for so many different reasons and I just want to live with someone I can trust. someone who will care
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im not doing dark urge as my first playthrough im not doing dark urge as my first playthrough im n-
#saw the uh. romance scene. like the durge romance scene. with a character i genuinely do not intend to romance#BUT OOOHHHHHH#oh thats so good#i still have a month to remind myself of how much i love my intended tav (their backstory interests me more than their game plot)#it is nice that it finally dragged me out of my desire to do a complete giving in run first bc as cool as THAT character is#i need to see the struggle#but i really do think most of these characters would rely on some degree of either guide usage or existing knowledge#so im ALSO tempted to do a run with a character based off of my very unsubtly self insert xiv character maze#nyx's backstory leading to them experiencing very much a 'i dont want to kill anymore :(' mentality does kinda make them resemble durge#but id have to get rid of their backstory in that case since their killing is very much outside influence rather than The Urge#this game is making me suffer through the exact same shit as dragon age inquisition did i made SO MANY characters#romanced dorian 3 times. because i love him#both tge first & second times were unintentional. i meant to go for bull but messed up his personal quest with the first#and discovered youd need to find a Literal Fucking Dragon in the second#ive been through some shit for my LIs in games but im not fighting a dragon actually fuck that#maybe im just really bad at dai but i got my ass kicked the one time i tried
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