#barely any better than it was last sem

[courviknight]

yeah i don’t think i can do this guys 😞 i am a complainer. a whiner, if you will!!! i am going to go through hell for the next 2 weeks i swear im going to explode or smth 😞😞😞

[envy-of-the-apple]

Hi!! This is my first time messaging a writer I really like but I’m high and have enjoyed your work for a while now and just wanted to share my appreciation especially after reading RAST. Sorry in advance for how unorganized this may look.

As a reader, I enjoy your story telling so much. You switch between past and present so fluidly and it makes the “world-building”feel natural while still keeping my interest and moving forward the plot.

I also wanted to compliment you on your ability to story tell so well while also staying true to the personality of the characters you write about. (I have specific examples I will detail later in this message from RAST because you did such a wonderful job of translating dynamics from the JJK universe into a Mafia AU)

I just wanted to share Little Details From RAST I enjoyed/made me really think

1.Grabbing Gojo’s wrist when he reaches for your skirt/panties happens both at the beginning and the end. I like how there’s a difference in Gojo’s reaction. The first time, he lightly dismissing your actions when he doesn’t have any genuine interest in you. The tension between Gojo in Ms. Gem later on is so telling because now Gojo knows all cards have been revealed and expects to be rewarded. It’s like when a dog finally gets their jaws on a toy and growls when you try to take it away.

2.(This detail I noted is an example of themes from the JJK universe translating well into your Mafia AU)In the JJK universe, there is definitely a patriarchal system in place which leads misogyny displayed in characters like Naoya. Your AU does a good job of portraying this culture as well from the start. It’s shared that the men of the organization don’t like women with “nasty attitude. It’s def implied that most men hold higher positions of power. It results in the events where we see other men laughing at Gem when she’s being groped by guards or being humiliated by Geto during his meeting.

3.(This goes for all your SatoSugu fics but especially in RAST) I love love love your characterization of Geto and Gojo. You’re very good at capturing personalities of characters but it’s especially clear in the SatoSugu fics you write because the dialogue is true to how they would speak to their darling AND eachother.

4.Through RAST, I was actually able to understand the personalities of Geto and Gojo in the manga better!It makes sense for Geto to be so controlled in personality because a controlled/calculating demeanor would only way for Geto to move up in ranks within the Yakuza and eventually meet and be on equal footing with Gojo. In the JJK world we see that Gojo really values Geto because Geto is on the same level as Gojo, but I forget that Geto must’ve clearly worked really hard to get to that level both in terms of skill and respect because he was born to a non-sorcerer family.With Gojo being apart of the sorcerer world/yakuza family by blood and always being reminded of how much power he has, it makes sense he would be so uncaring of social norms and so freely in Ms. Gem’s personal space.I can also see why, as you mentioned in another post, Geto doesn’t like to get his hands dirty, he’d be the type to see how to milk a situation for the most benefit rather than lashing out as Gojo would. (i.e. Gojo immediately throwing hands when the other yakuza family member touched Ms. Gem while Getou immediately seeing a chance to push Ms. Gem into their arms without a fit)

5. The car scene is actually lowkey funny bc they really do treat her like a pet on a road trip and ofc Gojo is the one watching cat videos lmaooo

7. You have this pattern in your writing (I like to think of it as a writer’s signature) of having questions by the reader go unanswered by the yandere while having phrases of affections by yanderes be barely acknowledged and I LOVE it. Every time I see it I eat it up because it’s so… akdjsjd

8. I love to see the SEM and EKM make an appearance in the last scene

Please correct me if any of my analysis in my thoughts are wrong and sorry in advance if that happens!! I truly enjoy the effort you put in as a writer

[demonshauntingthedoves]

Where are youuuu 😭

I know I'm the worst of writers to keep my beautiful doves waiting.

But I want to be very transparent with y'll.

I'm not feeling like writing since last time I posted, still I've tried to push myself to write little chunks of rotten 2, perfidious 3 and the keychain 2, but they're still very incomplete.

I'm really out of the flow these days.

I was busy with sem in march and then busy recovering from the mental exhaustion and now that I was about to get better, they've already scheduled the next tests. 😮‍💨

And the cherry on the cake is, your demonic writer got herself a devil, in simple words, I started dating after sem and thought it would go well and help me in refreshment, but honestly to tell instead of getting that high of love and over enthusiasm and motivation, I find myself more drained and exhausted than ever.

Idk if it is the wrong time or the wrong guy.

Or the wrong choice?

Anyways, let's not get in too much detail or I'll start ranting. 😅

I'm really ashamed to give these excuses and dump my frustrations here. I extremely empathize with the turmoil of the readers when they're left on cliffhangers but doves please give me a chance to give you the best of my writings which is done with my full interest and not the otherwise.

I know I have barely posted any content but the response and love I've received is a lot for me. I owe you a lot of love for that. So please stay.

Do send me asks regarding anything you're curious to know more, like what do you think would happen, should happen, or just opinion of any sort, I would love to answer my doves.

(literally going to breakup with that asshole)

[btcwriting]

Sem Gets Thrown in a Lake

I’m trying to write some short pieces to get more into the habit of writing regularly. I’m trying to get better at content warnings as well. If you see something in one of my pieces of writing that should be warned for (and isn’t), please let me know!

CWs: Chain restraint, drowning, attempted murder, disorientation, retching.

The moon was high in the sky over the lake as the man in the dark pinstripe suit watched his associates finish connecting the chains to the solid concrete block. Two of them held tight to the younger red haired man the chains connected to to make sure he had no chance of escape. Shackles around his wrists and ankles linked together and to the thicker chains around the block. The young man watched them as they worked, tense, knowing that he was likely already past the point of no return. Still he kept alert for an opening just in case.

After a final check, one of the henchmen gave the man in the pinstripe suit a thumbs up. “He’s ready, boss.”

“Good.” The boss stepped up, clicked his cane on the dock, and gave the young man one last scathing glance-over. “You’ve been a thorn in my side for too long, Semsenir. That ends tonight. Any last words?”

Sem took a deep breath. He shot back at the crime leader with his one-eyed glare, the other hidden under the chaotic points of his rusty red hair. “This won’t die with me. There are plenty of people ready to step up if I disappear. You won’t succeed.” His tone was level and confident despite the strong clench of his fists.

“Typical.” The boss rolled his eyes. “Anything else, Robin Hood?”

“You’ve ruined the lives of hundreds of people and ended hundreds more. The price you owe for your actions is coming due, and when it does, it’ll be the end for you.” Sem promised him. “It’s only a matter of time.”

“Alright, that’s enough of that.” The boss clicked his cane again. “Give your friends down there my regards.” He sneered as he stepped out of the way and pointed his cane towards the end of the dock. “Toss ‘im.”

The rough hands of the henchmen grabbed him tighter and picked him up, with a few of the burliest ones picking up the concrete block and hauling it as they marched him the rest of the way to the end of the wooden dock. Sem gave a couple good attempts to kick the men holding him, but his struggling was mostly useless. His only kick that connected garnered nothing more than a soft grunt, and the men didn’t even slow down.

The men braced their feet on the edge of the dock, and with a well practiced movement they looked at each other and then swung Sem and the block back and threw them out into the lake. Sem pulled in as much of a breath as he could, but barely held onto it as his back connected with the water and the ice cold waves washed over him.

Before he could orient himself, the chains pulled taught and yanked him down by his hands and feet. Water rushed past his body, the sensation of bubbles and layers of suspended particles overwhelming his senses as the weight dragged him down into the dark depths of the lake. Sem fought to keep the air in his lungs as the pressure crushed him. His ears popped violently, and finally a jolt ran through him as the concrete block hit the bottom. Dazed, he twisted around in the chains, trying to figure out where he was, his ankles pulling him upright but his wrists tugged behind him.

Sem blinked, trying to take in his surroundings, but the murky water remained oppressively dark even after his eyes adjusted. The freezing blackness bit into every muscle of his body, sapping the warmth from his core bit by bit with every movement. He had no idea how long it had been or how deep he was, but his lungs already burned. He tried to move his hands to grab his chains, to tug and feel if he could get any give, but his hands were going numb. They refused to tell him anything.

He bit his tongue to try to distract from the steadily increasing pain in his lungs, but it could only help for so long. He tugged his arms anyways, thrashing against the chains, but they only dug into his wrists more. The talons of inevitability wrapped around his lungs, slowly tightening and threatening to make them burst. He felt the desperation welling up and the fear trying to force its way into his mind, but he tried to keep it down. He had to stay calm to have any chance to get out of this and enable it to have a good ending. He told himself he had to stay calm over and over, even as the window for that good ending was slowly and agonizingly closing.

The more he struggled the more his breath clawed up his throat, until finally it escaped. He opened his mouth, unable to deal with the pain anymore, and gulped in the water. Immediately he convulsed, coughing, his air escaping in plumes and racing back to the surface. The more he coughed the more water was pulled in, and no matter how his chest spasmed and gasped it only filled with the icy grip of the water. The rest of his body soon fell numb, and however his lungs worked he could only feel his mouth desperately gaping for a breath, jolting in a cough now and then.

Without even the memory of fresh air left in him, his senses lost focus again. The only thing that he could latch onto was the darkness that had finally started to part above him, revealing the pinpoint of light dozens of feat above him, a single shaft of light reaching down towards him from the silver moon. He looked up, trying to focus on it, but only managed to see his last sliver of hope warp and dim as his vision darkened, and left him floating deep into the void of unconsciousness.

---

<Sem.>

<Wake up, Sem.>

He felt an invasive prod press into his consciousness, forcefully stirring it. A voice, quiet but with a distinct presence, pulled his attention out of the nothingness.

<Sem, it’s an hour until sunrise. If you’re ever going to leave, now’s the time to do it.>

Sem tried to place the voice. He knew who it was, he recognized it, but he couldn’t hold onto the thread long enough to remember in his brain’s anaerobic state. His consciousness drifted, threatening to be dragged back into the void.

<Do you need my help, Sem?>

He tried to pull his thoughts back from the brink of oblivion again. Sunrise. Time. Leaving. … Water.

He was in the lake. He couldn’t feel his body anymore, couldn’t even tell if it was still there. He didn’t know how to get out, or if he even could. He was still alive- he was always alive, whether he wanted to be or not. But that didn’t mean he could fix it on his own.

He finally managed to muster the words and point them back consciously into his own mind. Please help me.

<Alright, hold on Sem. I’ll get you out in a jiffy.>

Somewhere in the darkness, pressure was applied more tightly to his limbs, and then disappeared entirely. A pinpoint in his vision slowly started to grow, shimmering at first, an illusion, until it was steady, a white image that quickly took over his sight and drew him towards it until his face broke the surface.

A tug pulled him through the water until he finally felt rocks and gravel touch his hands, and then his feet. The uneven texture let him grasp at something, fighting against the ache of his frozen muscles. He tried to pull himself along, but wound up mostly drug out of the lake by his companion. Finally he was dropped on the bank, and with a solid slap of a cold tail against his back, the convulsions started again, but this time pushing out the water for good.

Sem managed to push himself up on his elbows just enough to let the water drop away from him as he coughed violently. The warm air welcomed itself into his lungs, allowing him to keep coughing until his throat was raw. As his organs finally started to wake up again he felt himself retch, more lake water forcefully expelling itself from his stomach along with everything else that had been frozen in the pit of his stomach all night. 

<That’s better.>

Sem glanced over at this companion, a plump snake-like creature with soft pink eyes and a jet-black body that absorbed all light. Sem blinked the spots out of his eyes, now registering the rocky shore underneath them and the vegetation nearby. The moon was inching close to the horizon, a sure sigh that the night was coming to an end. He took deep breaths, trying to find words, but could ultimately only choke out his companion’s name. “Aristol?”

<Yup. I guess you were more out of it than I thought. Anyways, we should definitely get out of here before the sun comes up. You’re probably already reported dead.>

Sem managed to make a questioning noise, and got another response easily. <They had a guy out here for a good hour after they put you in the water to make sure you stayed there. Anywhere that you could have popped up, he would have seen. So, as far as anyone there is concerned, you’re dead. If you show up again, no doubt it’ll raise questions.>

“Oh. Of course.” Sem sighed. He tipped over on his side, giving his body a rest on the ground for a few moments as the feeling came back in more of his muscles. “Well, that’s gonna mess up everything.”

<You could just leave. You did what you could already.>

Sem considered the suggestion silently, his heartbeat and breathing finally approaching their normal rhythms. “No. Came this far… Gotta make sure he goes to jail. Just quieter.”

He felt the shadow creature roll its eyes and flick its nubby head tendrils. <Of course. Well, you’re not in any condition to help with anything until you get some rest.>

“Yeah.” After two tries, Sem managed to push himself to his feet and stumble far enough to lean on a tree for a moment. “Aristol…. Let’s get back to the apartment. Then…. We can both eat. And sleep.”

<Fine with me.> Aristol rose and slid through the air back to Sem’s side, and then disappeared into a dark fold of his clothes, and his voice echoed in Sem’s mind again. <We’ll take the quick way, since you of course shouldn’t be seen on the streets anymore.>

“Sure.” Semsenir agreed, and with a flash of dark weightlessness, he slipped away from his watery grave.

Words: 1790

[hopeisour4letteredword]

don’t play with your food

Summary: Apollo brings snacks with him to hang out with—to go over case files with Klavier. The snacks are for eating. Eating is what the snacks are for.

According to Apollo, of course. Now if you ask Klavier, on the other hand...

Read it below, or here on AO3.

"You know, there's a game people play with that biscuit."

Apollo, who had been crunching along on a piece of pocky and minding his own business, stops and looks at Klavier suspiciously. Klavier smirks back. They're supposed to be going over old case briefs together, which Apollo has increasingly realized is just their mutual excuse for hanging out. Not that it's not fun to argue about old cases with Klavier, not that it doesn't keep Apollo's critical analysis warmed up between cases, not that he doesn't learn from it, but... well, earlier today he'd thought to himself I should pick up snacks on the way over to Klavier's office. And snacks are usually a hanging-out-with-Clay thought. Not a professional-visit-with-my-colleague thought.

Apollo and Klavier are friends, not just colleagues. This is not news. Apollo—mortifyingly, horrifyingly, to Ema's great disappointment in him—likes Klavier. This is also not news. But there's still some weird tingle of embarrassment he gets every time he realizes how much space he's making for Klavier in his life.

Maybe it's because he can't pin down how Klavier feels in turn. He knows Klavier thinks of them as friends, too. That's not in question. It's just that Apollo thinks he might have to dig a hole through the Earth's crust to throw himself down if he finds out Klavier's flirting is just humoring his pathetic little crush. How's Apollo supposed to know if it's sincere? The guy has a rockstar persona to maintain. And if Klavier isn't the same way with Ema, Apollo kind of figures Klavier knows she would resort to violence if he was this heavy-handed with her.

For instance, he's pretty sure Ema would beat Klavier senseless with the box of pocky if he brought the pocky game up to her.

"I know what the pocky game is," Apollo finally says. He fishes another stick of pocky out of the box. Klavier's smirk grows. "It's a waste of a snack."

"So cynical, Herr Forehead. You don't think it's even a little cute?"

"It's either a game of chicken, which you could do without wasting good food," Apollo says, pointing the pocky at Klavier emphatically, "Or it's a stupid excuse to kiss someone you would have kissed anyway, which you could also do without wasting good food."

Klavier props an elbow on the corner of his desk so he can prop his chin on one hand. "I would have thought someone who bluffs as much as you do would be more tolerant of creative games of chicken."

"Rude," Apollo says. He waves the pocky sternly at Klavier. "They're boring. I always win."

He's too prideful to back down, after all. That's why the bluffing works too. He'll win because he has to win, because he refuses to lose.

"Always?"

Klavier is grinning now. Oh, no. Apollo has made a mistake.

Too prideful to back down, indeed. He jerks his chin up, haughtily, and repeats, "Always."

Klavier slowly, maintaining eye contact, reaches over and plucks the piece of pocky out of Apollo's hand. As Apollo watches, Klavier tucks the tip of the pocky between his own lips. He leans forward in his chair and raises his eyebrows at Apollo again. A challenge.

Fuck. God dammit. Bastard.

Apollo's face burns. He fights to keep a stubborn expression, not as mortified as he feels when he shoves himself up from his chair to step over to Klavier's. Klavier has to sit back, now, with Apollo looming over him while he remains seated. Apollo tosses the rest of the box of pocky to the side on Klavier's desk and braces his hands on the armrests of Klavier's chair, leaning in.

It's just chicken. It's just a game of chicken. Apollo always wins at chicken. This is fine, it's fine, he's fine—

He gets his mouth on the other end of the stick of pocky. Inches away from Klavier's own mouth. Three inches, maybe. Tops.

He is not fine.

But Klavier challenged him. And if there was ever anybody Apollo was not willing to lose a game of chicken to, good grief, it's Klavier. He would be so incredibly annoying about it. He hasn't even won yet and he's already being annoying about it, that cocksure smirk a vivid pink where it wraps around the other end of the pocky.

No. Apollo won't back down. He can do this. He's fine.

But following through will mean—

Apollo inches forward. Klavier's blue eyes are dark in the shadow of his eyelashes, blond and fine though they may be. Is Apollo imagining it, or does his smirk soften, just a bit? That sharp pink curve of his lipstick gentled to something more like a real smile.

The thing is—the thing is. Klavier is also not willing to lose to Apollo. Apollo knows that. It's why they work well together in court. Klavier will not give him a victory he hasn't earned, even if he believes in Apollo's client too, because he knows Apollo can do better than that. Klavier doesn't roll over and let him win. So Klavier isn't going to back down, either. In fact, he nudges his mouth further along the stick of pocky, now, too.

So the thing is: if Apollo isn't going to back down, and he knows Klavier isn't going to back down, what the fuck is he doing agreeing to play if he doesn't want his heart broken?

And the other thing is: if Klavier isn't going to back down, and he knows Apollo isn't going to back down, what the fuck is he doing by challenging Apollo to the pocky game?

There's a single inch, if that, between them now.

This is fine. This is totally fine.

Klavier leans a smidge forward, barely any pocky left separating them, metaphorically placing the last move in Apollo's hands. Finish it or don't. Chicken out or don't. Kiss Klavier or don't.

It's fine, he's fine, he's fine—

Apollo's hands tremble where they grip Klavier's armrests as he pushes the rest of the way forward and his mouth nudges against Klavier's.

Klavier exhales. Not a sigh, but a soundless, steady thing, like settling into place. His mouth is softer than Apollo would have expected. Clay made them both try lipstick in their teens, and Apollo remembers hating how tacky it felt, but whatever Klavier's wearing doesn't feel that way. Just silky smooth. And he smells nice. Apollo mostly ignores his cologne, since it isn't too intrusive from a respectable distance, but it's—it's good.

Kissing Klavier is good.

...This is really weird with pocky still in his mouth.

Apollo bites down. Klavier startles at the soft crunch of it, blinking with confusion when Apollo pulls back to chew and swallow. For a brief instant, his expression flashes hurt—in the next moment, it smoothes over. He swallows his own mouthful of pocky and gives Apollo a new smirk that doesn't reach his eyes. So this isn't a joke to him. This was—this was the second thing Apollo said, this was an excuse to kiss him.

"So much for always—"

"Shut up," Apollo says, and dives in to kiss him again. Klavier makes a sound of pure relief. The hand on Apollo's bicep jerks down to his waist, and the next thing that Apollo knows, he's being dragged sideways into Klavier's lap. Apollo instinctively scrambles to stay stable so he doesn't topple out of the chair. He shouldn't have worried, though. He's not going anywhere with the way Klavier clutches at him. Klavier's other hand tangles into his hair to keep him close, like Apollo would get up and leave now.

They stop to breathe after a minute, foreheads resting against each other. Klavier looks about as dazed as Apollo feels. The gentle smile is a lot better than that shitty fake smirk had been.

After a few beats, Klavier says, "I still won."

"You are so fucking insufferable," Apollo says, ruefully. He can't believe he likes this idiot so much. Klavier laughs with unrestrained delight. "You didn't win. Neither of us backed down."

"You did back down—"

"I did not! I wanted the stupid pocky out of the way. And I'm still right about it being a waste of food, what's wrong with you that you couldn't just say something—"

"I've been flirting with you for months and you weren't picking up on it!" Klavier pouts. He shifts his hand out of Apollo's hair to stroke knuckles over his hot cheek. "Besides, you were cute about it."

Apollo wants to protest that assessment, but he has the sinking feeling that insisting he isn't cute will open a can of worms he isn't emotionally prepared to deal with right now. Instead he says, "If that was your master plan, I definitely won, because you were counting on me not backing down for it to work."

"Maybe so," Klavier says, airily. He pats Apollo's cheek. Apollo can't help but lean into the touch. "Your stubbornness is a sure bet."

"I prefer determination."

"Semantics."

"You don't get to lecture me on semantics, you pretend to be German to look cool."

"That's not sem—mmph." Klavier laughs at him again when Apollo retreats from his haphazard attempt at a kiss, muttering an apology. He'd come in too aggressive and more smushed their faces together than anything else. The hand on Apollo's cheek shifts to cup his jaw. "Here, Schatz, let's try that again."

Loathe though Apollo is to admit it, things are easier when he lets Klavier guide him in. Apollo has tried not to imagine what it would be like to kiss Klavier, but if he was pressed, he would have guessed it was a moment of one of them giving into frustration. Fueled by passion and restless leftover energy from courtroom antics. But this isn't Apollo grabbing fistfuls of Klavier's ridiculous popped collar and shoving him back against the nearest wall. It's too gentle for that. It feels strange to insist that it's chaste, what with Klavier pulling him into his lap, but it is. It's just the soft pressure of lips on lips. Apollo's eyes drift closed as he presses into it.

"Should've brought pocky to the office sooner," Klavier mumbles.

"...Me or you?"

"Either. Both." Klavier steals another kiss. "Or you could've just stopped being so clueless. Where was that incredible perception of body language this whole time?"

Apollo splutters, red-faced again. "It doesn't help with this stuff! Insincere flirting isn't lying!"

"Poor baby," Klavier says, with absolutely zero sincere sympathy. "If only I had been completely blatantly obvious, or something—"

"You could have just asked! What's wrong with just asking?!"

Klavier pulls him snug up against his body with both arms wrapped around Apollo's lower back, and kisses him soundly on the mouth. Apollo growls with frustration and throws his own arms around Klavier's neck. This is more like his reluctant daydreams.

It's a good long while before they pull apart again. Apollo has to rest his forehead against Klavier's and pant for breath. Klavier says, softly for all that he's amused, "Please don't yell like that. I'd rather not inspire my colleagues to come check on us."

"They don't come check on us when I'm yelling about cases," Apollo argues, although the idea of another prosecutor coming to see what the fuss is about only to find him in Klavier's lap does make him want to die a little. Volume modulation is not his strong suit, but he'll give it some extra effort to avoid that.

"Your impassioned yelling about cases sounds less distressed," Klavier says. He squeezes Apollo around the waist. "Are you really so annoyed with me?"

"You are very annoying," Apollo says, as sourly as he can manage with Klavier's breath huffing gently against his mouth. "Don't make fun of me for not being able to tell whether you meant it. You're always like that, how am I supposed to know?"

"Always like that with you, maybe."

"Oh, just shut up!" Apollo slumps again him, face well and truly burning now. Klavier laughs quietly. "That's exactly what I'm talking about."

"I don't know what to tell you," Klavier says. He strokes a hand over Apollo's back. "I really don't know what else I could have done to make myself clear. Fräulein Detective was already irritated with me for being, in her words, 'gross' about it."

"Ema's always irritated with you," Apollo says, half-heartedly. Hell. No wonder Ema has been so exasperated with him about Klavier, if even she thought Klavier was being that obvious. And Apollo's going to have to tell Clay he was right, too. A losing round on all counts, aside from the fact that he gets to kiss Klavier now, apparently. "That doesn't mean anything."

"She's very mean to me, it's true." Klavier steals yet another kiss. "Well, if you want to be asked in plain words so badly, consider this my offering: I like you quite a lot, Herr—"

"Finish that nickname and the answer will be no."

"Herr Justice," Klavier finishes, innocently. Apollo laughs despite himself, curling forward to drop his forehead against Klavier's shoulder. His face still feels hot. He doesn't think it's going to cool off any time soon. "Would you like to get coffee sometime, and perhaps kiss some more?"

"We already get coffee all the time," Apollo says, into Klavier's collar. It's true. They have been on astounding number of coffee not-dates for two people who aren't dating.

"Is that a no?"

"Course not, idiot."

"...Of course not as in—"

Apollo kisses him again to make him stop talking. It works, but only temporarily. As soon as Apollo breaks off, Klavier pouts again and says, "All that whining about me not using my words and you won't even say yes."

"Yes," Apollo says. "Yes, ja, hai, sí. How else do you need me to say it? I let you challenge me to the stupid goddamn pocky game, asshole. Yes, I'll date you."

It turns out Klavier can still be insufferably smug even when he loses. Apollo already knew that, though.

[sorry-i-ship-drarry]

15. Nobody can ever be you

No warning implied| unedited | Draco returns after rehab and therapy

" harry relax, he must've got out late alright. He might be here any second " Hermione comforted harry

" here breathe with me " Hermione encouraged him. Harry copied her breathing exercise, breathing on and exhaling out quite rapidly than her. Draco was late, he was supposed to come back 15 minutes ago but he wasn't yet here. It was not a big deal but harry was beyond worried.

" what if he doesn't like all of this ?" Harry asked biting his fingernails.

" I'm sure he'll love it harry. Stress isn't good for your health " Luna gave him a charming smile rubbing her palm on his back and just then they heart the lock twisting.

" hide " Hermione immediately whispered and everyone got in position, including harry.

The door finally opened and they heard someone walk in with some stuff.

" welcome back " everyone cheered as soon as they saw Draco turning on the lights. He immediately hit the back wall, all of his thing's dropping in the ground and splattered across. His face looked like he had seen a ghost.

" Merlin's fuck, you all scared the living death out of me " draco put a hand over his heart, his erratic breathing coming back to normal.

" we didn't mean to do that but surprise are supposed to give you tiny bit of a shock " pansy chuckled as they all gathered around draco who gave them a warm smile and started hugging everyone. When he came to harry, he hugged him the longest " glad to have you back " harry mumbled in the hug.

" we didn't mean to do that but surprise are supposed to give you tiny bit of a shock " pansy chuckled as they all gathered around draco who gave them a warm smile and started hugging everyone. When he came to harry, he hugged him the longest " glad to have you back " harry mumbled in the hug" we didn't mean to do that but surprise are supposed to give you tiny bit of a shock " pansy chuckled as they all gathered around draco who gave them a warm smile and started hugging everyone. When he came to harry, he hugged him the longest " glad to have you back " harry mumbled in the hug

" I'm glad to be back too " draco had replied and soon they both seperated.

" this is amazing " draco grinned.

" why thank you " Hermione smiled and they all soon broke into chatter about everything about the surprise come back party. Draco had been gone for 2 months for rehab and therapy. He assumed that after war things would slightly fall to normal but it went further downhill than it went during the war. His father was sent to azkaban, his mother put under probation for 2 year, he had to present for trials and testify only resulting in him under probation for 4 months but it came with so many problems, he had lost not only his manor but his family, respect and reputation. Wherever he went he was given so much hate that it took a toll on his conditions that draco turned to excessive drinking after recurring nightmares. It was about 6 months into his addiction when he met harry and 4 months of being friends with him when harry and everyone else insisting him to go to rehab and therapy. Wanting to get rid of his addictive habits, he did. The only problem was during his 2 months of rehab and therapy, he had met with nobody and seeing everyone here just made him well up.

Somebody must've helped draco put his stuff back into the room since harry got busy in the kitchen with Hermione and Luna for the food of the party while everyone outside just had their gala time outside, who weren't much people but a couple of their common friends, none out of the group.

" what's the conversation here about ?" Hermione asked as she happily put the trays down along with Luna and harry.

" everything really. I can't believe how much had changed in 2 months, I mean pansy in a serious relationship. My, my " draco laughed.

" think I liked you better in the rehab" pansy rolled off her eyes. Laughing with everyone harry plopped down in front of the sofa while Hermione and Luna sat down on the bean bag.

" she's not the only one " Luna gave a suggestive smile

" Ginny ?" Draco asked almost shocked

" uh huh " Luna grinned as she sipped on her drink.

" wow. This feels great you know. Everything. I am so thankful for everything you guys and for filling me in " draco smiled fondly at everyone.

" to us " Ron raised his glass, other's joining along echoing " to us"

The party faded into music and talking and watching movie when everyone grew tired and just laid there in the living room laughing about something every once in a while.

" now that you're out of rehab, do you think you will get back into the whole dating thing ?" Blaise curiously asked, his legs sprawled across over Ron's.

" actually " draco suddenly sat stiff, everyone looking at him attentively " in the last week of rehab somebody asked me out and I said yes so I think I'm already in the dating thing "

Everyone's eyes widened with surprise and suddenly pansy hooted " my boy is back in the game " they all fell into laughter. However suddenly harry was crouching further into himself, his legs pressed against his chest as he heard everyone talking about draco and the guy he had apparently agreed to go out with, which is in fact the reason why he was late, he had to drop him off at his place as a nice gesture. He felt the strange contraction pulling his Insides.

" mate, you good ?" Ron asked. Harry raised his eyebrows as if he was suddenly bought back into the moment.

" oh yeah, I'm good. Bit tired that's all" harry replied and gulped his drink and got up to go into the kitchen.

He was running his hands through his hair breathing shallow when Luna has joined him.

" I'm sorry harry" she gave him a sympathetic smile and rubbed his back slightly.

" what's going on ?" Draco had suddenly entered the Kitchen with empty trays

" oh nothing. We were just talking " harry replied. Luna immediately retracted her hands from Harry's back and gave draco a firm smile and offering harry a sweet smile before she exited.

" you don't sem so fine" it more of a statement than anything else

" just a little bit tired. Fresh air " harry curtly said before exiting the kitchen too, earning a frown from draco.

That night harry had abandoned his plans he spent the last one month planning on about staying longer than usual and finally confessing how he felt about draco but it struck harry that draco had never felt the same way harry did. Disappointed and embarrassed in himself he decided to never bring it up.

What harry hadn't expected was that he'd ignore draco so much that it was very noticeable. He didn't wanted to do it but it was Hermione's suggestion that if he might maintain distance, his feelings would soon fade away, which he desperately wanted but instead of fading, it was starting to make him more angry, jealous even Because apparently that guy was somehow the only thing he talked about. Harry would get the strong urge to roll his eyes and make Draco shut up about the guy but out of decency he never did. It was maybe him deciding a better option for moving on.

But as said, it was inevitable that draco didn't notice Harry's strange behaviour. They had barely talked ever since he had came back from the rehab and it was slowly killing draco because they used to be so close and now they didn't spent more than 30 minutes in the entire week, he even spent more time with Ron than harry. And to make it worse after draco had introduced everyone to Damian, harry was the one who took it the worst, he barely even conversed with the man he liked and it seemed as if so harry wasn't happy that draco had started dating. Angry with both the situation and harry, he barged into his flat one evening while harry was watching tv lazily.

" draco " harry stood up confused, turning off the television

" we need to talk " draco said sternly.

" I - I have somewhere to be in - well 20 minutes " harry said looking at the clock on the wall

" don't you dare lie to me harry potter " draco firmly pointed his forefinger at harry

Taken a back harry tried again " but I'm not lying "

" you are. That's all you've been doing since the time I've came back. Ginny ratted you out" draco threw his hands in the air. Harry could've said anything but caught in the lie he remained shut

" I need to know harry, what's wrong ?" Draco desperately said.

" nothing's wrong-"

" yeah if nothing's wrong then why have you been avoiding me all this time ? Is it because you're not happy I returned because if you are I'd cut -"

" Merlin no, fuck I'm so glad you're back. Why would you even think that " Harry's voice laced with concern as he eliminated some distance between them.

" then what is wrong? I deserve to know it. From the day I've returned you've barely spoken to me about anything and I can't stand that. We were so good before I went away but 2 months is all it took for you to forget what's it's like being friends with me-"

" what- no -"

" then what is it ? Please tell me, so I can fix it" draco desperately said.

Harry was crushed to hear the desperation in his voice, he was hurt, he looked like he was hurt by it more than he could've ever imagined it and it killed harry to know that he was the one hurting him " i- there's nothing to fix draco -"

"oh " draco whispered

" what no. No not in that way. Fuck I've made it worse. There's nothing like what you're imagining. I've- I've Just maintained some distance to figure things out alright. I wanted to talk to you after the party but I couldn't okay "

" why? What sort of things ?" Draco asked as he stepped closer

Harry's heart suddenly beat much faster than it had before. He wondered if Draco could hear it because he definitely could his heart frantic heart beat but seeing draco's expression he knew he didn't. How could he not, it was beating so loudly ?

" i- look- I don't when or how I started but i- I've been having sort of feelings for you. Maybe it was more because you were away and I didn't see you at all but when you came in and told about the guy from rehab, I figured you never felt that way and I just needed some time to let it die out you know. I swear these feelings will surely go away but I would just need some time and I wanted to talk to you about this the night you returned but you see I couldn't. I - I just, it's just a smal crush I'm sure. I hope it doesn't make anything awkward " harry explained feeling extremely out of control and stressed. Was it even possible for Harry's heart to beat this loud ?

" oh " draco's voice came out to small that it almost crushed harry. Maybe draco was disappointed or he didn't see it coming or that he definitely feel that way about him.

" I've screwed this up, haven't I. gosh I'm an arse-"

" no harry. It's fine. Just I never knew that.. I'm sorry- I should've just never barged in and everything- if I had only known " draco opened his mouth, maybe to say something but he closed it again.

" I'm sorry too. Hope this doesn't make things awkward for us. I know it'll all eventually go away, you're with Damian and everything so " harry rubbed the back of his neck nervously.

" oh- no no. I'm- yeah- I think I'll go " draco suddenly said

" what ?"

" I think I need a little bit of time to process all of it you know but I'm sure we'll be fine, right ?" Draco asked

" of course "

" do you mind then ? I'll- maybe we can talk later. This is just a little overwhelming you know " draco explained as he took a few steps back.

Harry was concerned but much more confused. He had no idea what he should've said or done but before he could've even acted upon, draco had already bid his goodbyes and ran, literally ran leaving a confused harry.. if not confused, he was sure he had screwed up so bad that draco wouldn't wanna see him for a while now.

Harry was still beyond concerned with draco's behaviour that he had called him almost 13 times, only to cut it within a few seconds and sitting down and standing up every five seconds. He was anything but fine and draco's absence didn't help at all. Ever since draco left his place hours ago, he was nowhere to be seen and nobody knew it and it didn't help Harry's worries at all.

Losing all hopes by 10 in the night, harry decided he'd go back to his place tomorrow and talk it out, possibly figure out a way to be together with each other without making it awkward but suddenly then his bell rang.

" draco " harry said confused for the second time in the day. But before he could've even allowed him in, he had barged in, shut the door behind him and immediately pressed his lips against harry's. At first harry was taken a back by the sudden kiss but soon dissolved in the moment, tip toeing to get more closer and wrapping his hands around Draco's neck. Harry had spent month's imagining how draco would taste like or how he would feel if he ever kissed him but it was all far from anything he had ever expected to feel like. He felt like he was on cloud nine, and how could someone taste so good and above all how Could someone kiss so passionately yet so tenderly. There was depth, something so addictive about the way draco kissed harry like he was conveying a message in that kiss which only fueled everything but they had both ran out of breath and unfortunately had to separate for air.

" wow "

" yeah " draco mumbled against his lips..

" took you 3 weeks after my come back to finally confess " draco mumbled again, not dropping his hands from Harry's waist and his forehead still pressed against harry's.

" actually months " harry whispered

" I'm finally glad you did " draco replied

" what about Damian ?" He asked

" I broke up with him. He could never be you, Nobody can " draco smirked

Biting his bottom lip, harry said " kiss me you fool "

" gladly " and draco kissed the boy he had been in love with since he was 18.

To be edited

Requests open

Day 14- a promise of forever | Day 16- sinful dreams

[summerwritesfics]

🎧Song Inspired Shorts - Fjara

Pairing & Characters: Hanzo Hasashi/Kuai Liang, Past!Scorpion Length: 2150 words Rating: Mature Content/Warnings: Grief/Mourning, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Fulfilling a last request, Disregarding personal safety, Physical exhaustion, Blood & Minor injuries Song: Fjara - Sólstafir

Song Inspired Shorts Masterlist

Ef ég vinn í þetta eina sinn, Er það samt dauði minn, Trú mín er, að allt fari vel, Þessu er lokið hjá mér, Dag sem nótt, hjartað var órótt, Þrotið þol, lamað bros, Áfram ríð, hjartað pumpar tárum, Dag sem nótt, ég geng nú einn

Kuai was sure he was almost there.

It had taken him months to get this far, even using as many portal short cuts as he possibly could to save time it had still eaten away the days. He hadn't told anyone where he was going, not that there were many people left to tell. There were only a handful of his Lin Kuei left, his beloved Hanzo was gone and the rest of Earthrealm's forces hadn't fared any better. Between loosing his clan and loosing his lover, he really wasn't sure if there was any thing left for the world to take from him.

What was left in the aftermath was what would become of the things left behind. While trying to sort through Hanzo's belongings, Kuai had found what he could only describe as a will of sorts. It detailed rather specific instructions for where he wanted his final resting place to be. Down to the exact co-ordinates he wished to be buried at. Wasn't that just like him? Still so demanding and dominant even in death.

Kuai had researched the place, a secluded mountain region of Iceland, of all places. As far as he knew, Hanzo had no connection to this land, and this particular place seemed to be very remote. But if this was where Hanzo wanted to be, who was Kuai to deny that?

So he had placed Hanzo's body inside a coffin, tied a rope around and he'd begun his journey.

He could have asked for help. He could have requested someone simply teleport him to the location, but there was a strange feeling like that wouldn't do the gesture justice. It felt too much like showing up somewhere, dumping a body and being done with it. Kuai definitely thought Hanzo deserved better than that.

It wasn't easy. The coffin was heavy and most of the terrain Kuai was traversing was uneven. Not even trying to leave a trail of ice for it to slide across helped, only really using his powers to create a solid walk-way when he needed to get across large bodies of water.

He abandoned the majority of his Lin Kuei uniform mere days in. It just seemed to be getting in the way so he simply dumped it, leaving only his under shirt, trousers, boots, gloves and headband. A few weeks in and his boots were practically falling apart, and he similarly abandoned them, choosing to do the rest of the journey barefoot in spite of how painful it could get at times. He was caked in blood and dirt all over, but only stopped for food, water and short rests before getting back to the task at hand.

He'd finally made it to a beach, close to the location Hanzo had specified. He felt the sand under his toes as he stepped off the ice he'd made to cross the ocean. It was deserted, raining and he had never been quiet so thankful that he was immune to the effects of the cold.

He looked down at his gloves, they too were holding on by barely a thread. He sighed, pulling them off his bruised and scuffed knuckles and throwing them to the floor. He grasped the rope again, finally dragged the coffin onto the beach with him. Pulling it across the beach, through the wet sand, was harder than he expected. He stumbled, grunting as it got stuck on a rock. He tugged hard as he could, but found himself stumble and fall to the floor.

He was so tired. But he couldn't give up now, not when he was so close.

He pushed himself up to his feet, ignoring the way his knees buckled under his own weight. He yanked the rope, finally getting the coffin free and starting to pull it away. He slowly made his way to a slope in the cliff face, where he could hopefully start the assent up to the top of the mountains.

The rain came down heavier, he could barely see through it. He was soaked, and even if he couldn't feel the cold, he definitely could feel how wet it was. Despite himself, a shiver ran down his spine.

He wasn't sure how long it took him to get up the slope, but he'd lost time when he accidentally slipped on a loose rock and let go of the rope, sending the coffin sliding back down. He ran to retrieve it, making sure it was all in one piece still. Thankfully, it was, and he stroked it, lovingly. Longingly. He grabbed the rope and tried again.

At the top, he managed to spot a waterfall off in the distance. He knew that was where he needed to go. Just taking enough time to brush away some of his hairs that had fallen loose. And then he was back on the move.

About halfway there, he started to regret throwing his gloves away rather than attempting to salvage them. He could feel the rope burning his skin with every pull, blistering the skin around. He gave a pain filled gasp, having to stop again. He looked down at his hands, cut deep by the rope and covered in blood. Reluctantly, he removed his headband, tying it tightly around one of his palms. He then reached for the similar headband Hanzo once wore, that he'd tied to the coffin. Kuai had intended to bury it with the man, but he really needed it right now.

“I'm sorry, my love,” He whispered to the coffin, as he tied this second headband around his other hand. The yellow immediately soaked in the blood, becoming stained with red. Kuai clenched his fist, shaking his head at no one in particular. “We're almost there, I promise.”

He picked the rope back up, and continued walking.

Day became night as he finally made it to the waterfall. His next path was somehow even steeper, and he decided he'd rather not attempt to climb it in the dark. He sat under a small ledge that stuck out from the cliff, trying to keep himself out of the rain. He watched the waterfall beside him, slumping over the coffin and leaning his head against the wood. He barely even realised when he fell asleep.

It was the light of day that woke him up, the sun seemingly only just risen in the east. He decided he had no time to waste. He drank some water from the waterfall, and before setting his mind back to the task at hand, once more handling the rope, and starting to pull.

He was glad he had chosen to wait for daylight to continue. Not only was the way he needed to go steep, but covered in sharp rocks. Despite his best efforts to avoid them, he still accidentally found himself slicing his feet open on them. It was painful, but thankfully not the worst he'd ever endured, which only encouraged him further. Even when he ended up having to get on all fours in order to stabilise himself, he still did not stop.

By the time he reached the top, the sun was once more setting, but that did not bother him. He was here. He was finally here, and Kuai could finally complete his loves final wish.

He practically collapsed, spreading himself across the coffin and closing his eyes. He'd made it. He raised his weary head, looking out across the view from the mountain. Even if he did not understand why here of all places, he could not deny that even through the rain, this area was breathtakingly beautiful. Despite everything, a wave of relief flooded him.

“It took me far too long to find out this was where you were heading.”

Kuai jumped a mile at the sudden voice. He turned around, and almost felt himself choke on what he saw.

“Hanzo?” He questioned. He blinked. No, not Hanzo. It was Scorpion, the one from the past. “Scorpion... Sorry... I...” He blinked again, staring at the yellow clad wraith for a few seconds. “Why are you here?”

“You disappeared without a trace. It took me months of going through Hanzo's belongings to realise what you were doing.” Scorpion started to walk towards him, and Kuai couldn't help but instinctively flinch. His hands went to the coffin, as if to try and protect it. “I would have brought you here myself, if you had just asked.”

“I... Had to do this myself...” Kuai looked down at himself. Every part of him, from his feet, to his clothes, to his hands, was ruined. Maybe this stubborn venture had not been for the best. “For Hanzo.”

“Somehow I do not think he would have wanted you to almost get yourself killed over him.” Scorpion was right beside him now, staring down. With his face obscured by his mask, Kuai was unable to discern what emotions the man was conveying. “Do you even know why this place was so special?”

Kuai shook his head. In the end, he doubted it mattered. He'd made it here, that's all that counted.

He looked up as Scorpion brought out a small brown leather backed book. Kuai recognised it as Hanzo's diary, the place that his love had kept all his most intimate thoughts. Even in death, Kuai had not read it. It felt wrong.

“It's the page where the bookmark is,” Scorpion informed him, as Kuai took the book. He still did not feel right with this, but Scorpion and Hanzo were technically one and the same, so his mind allowed him to feel like he was being given permission.

The rain was slowly letting up, but still Kuai tried to cover the book with his body so it would not get destroyed by the weather. He turned to the page in question, feeling his heart clench just seeing Hanzo's handwriting, and began to read.

“Stepping out of that portal, after two months in the Netherrealm, was like stepping through the fresh hold into heaven. A top a mountain in Iceland, I looked out and felt like I could breathe for the first time in so long. It was as I stared across the view, when the thoughts that had been ruminating the entire trip, finally came to a head.”

“I love Kuai Liang. And it was at that moment, staring across from the top of the world, when I decided I could not live without him. It was that moment, that I decided I would ask for his hand in marriage.”

“I can only hope he says yes.”

Kuai felt himself starting to shake, a low sob escaping the back of this throat. Closing the diary and holding it close to his chest. Then a loud wail was all the sound he could manage to make, his tears feeling like molten against his cheeks. Even in death, Hanzo's thoughts had been of him. Even in death, his heart burned with that passionate love.

He fell forward onto the coffin, sobbing against the wood, desperate to feel close to his husband. His cries sounding more like screams, like if he were loud enough Hanzo would awaken like from a deep slumber. But he wouldn't.

Hanzo was gone, and Kuai's heart couldn't bare the pain.

He felt an arm reach around his shoulders. Scorpion now kneeling beside him. He didn't say anything, likely knowing from his own past that there was nothing he could say to make this easier. So instead, just held Kuai, stroking his hair, and gently shushing him.

It took an hour, for Kuai to calm down enough to even consider burying the coffin.

Scorpion helped him dig the grave, helped him lower the casket down into the pit they'd made, and helped him cover it back up with the dirt. He even helped Kuai find some rocks and bits of wood, in order to make a marker, a sign that this was where Hanzo Hasashi was buried.

And after all that, they just stood there.

Scorpion taking hold of Kuai's dirty, injured and shaking hand. Kuai took his time to say his final farewells, and he was thankful that Scorpion did not rush him. It must have been another hour, when Kuai finally broke away from his silent trance, standing at staring at the grave of the man he loved so. He finally looked up to Scorpion, but still could not find his voice to speak.

“It is time to go home, Kuai Liang,” Scorpion softly stated, seemingly understanding Kuai without words that Kuai was ready.

Still he found he could not make a sound, so instead chose to nod in agreement. Scorpion opened a portal. Hand in hand, they went through, Kuai giving one final glance over his shoulder to where his lover now rested.

At last, he could rest.

[juwon-ah-moved]

tag 9 ppl to get to know better/catch up with

i was tagged by @wongyuqhei thank u ayesha!! <3

i tag @serannes, @riamali, @phutianpha, @drbunnakit, @gawincaskeyy, @morksuns, @janeramida, @kittychicha and @lesbianspeedy

last song listened to: you. your friend, another guy by sem&stènn. this came on shuffle and oh my god the Memories. this was a duo of two gay guys (who are boyfriends) who make like electronic/synth pop 80s-sounding music?? and they took part in x-factor italia a few years ago and it was so controversial lmao i think there was at least one other gay person on xf before but these two were Very Clearly And Openly Gay and people did not like that. anyway just checked their spotify and they came out with a new album a month ago, maybe i’ll finally listen to more than just the same 2 songs

last movie watched: the queen of my dreams which is a short film directed by fawzia mirza and ryan logan but for feature films then it was signature move 2017 (which was also written by fawzia mirza and i really liked it!)

currently watching: a tale of thousand stars but i haven’t watched the latest ep yet (can’t deal with the angst.......) and i have a few things i started but need to catch up on (like sk8 and jjk)

currently reading: i am in such a reading slump ugh :(( but the books i am in the middle of are the midnight library by matt haig (who knows if i can finish it before the library loan expires) and i’ll be the one by lyla lee (listening to the audiobook)

currently craving: anything really, i’m hungry but since i’ll probably have leftover pasta pasticciata... that. i love it

current project: wish i had any motivation to do anything :/ every time i start something i’m like this sucks i give up. i don’t have a better answer

current mood: bleahshdsjds just. tired. i slept badly. but also i’m hungry and hopefully once i eat i’ll feel better

current wish: that the things i have going on in the coming days/weeks go well i am so anxious god bless .

currently learning: spanish technically but also i’ve been doing the bare minimum the past 2 months, i just don’t have any motivation. i feel like my last answers were so negative but i just. have been struggling. anyway

something that makes you proud: i try to be proud of the progress i’ve made in the last years even if i’m still not at my best. for example the fact that i haven’t been hospitalized in i think... more than 2 years? i don’t really remember but that’s a good sign. also, 1 year on T! very proud of reaching that !!!

[paodequeijofeliz-blog]

Let me tell you a good story

Bloodbound Fanfiction (characters and main story belongs to Pixelberry Studios).

Pairing: Kamilah Sayeed and MC (Annie)

Information: this takes place after Bloodbound 3, here I’m recreating how Kamilah and MC would meet if she had never gone to Raines Corporation right away.

Summary: Thirty years after meeting Annie for the first time, Kamilah is now a wife and a mother. During a regular family dinner, she decides to tell her daughter and the new son-in-law the story of how she fell in love with Annie after an unusual meeting through the hallways of NYU.

Warnings: none.

Part 1 Part 3

Let me tell you a good story - Part 2

March 2nd, 2048 

 “You’re telling it wrong.” Anna shook her head in disbelief. “Kamilah Sayeed, you be a woman and admit to them that you checked my butt when I was opening the office’s door.”

“I don’t think they need to know that part. It’s not an important piece of information.”

 “Ha! But me shivering when you sensually pressed yourself against me is an important piece of information?”

 “I did not sensually pres…”

 “Guys!” Lysia hit the table, laughing. “Focus!”

“Maybe I should be the one telling the rest now” Anna pinched Kamilah’s arm playfully. “Since you’re omitting the good bits.”

 “You know what, my love? That is not a bad idea. I want to hear your version of the next part. It’s my favourite one.” Kamilah eyes had a glimpse of amusement. “And you do not dare to hide anything from our conversation in the hallway.”

While trying not to blush over that memory – and failing – Anna turned to Lysia and Drake with a happy broad smile on her face. “So, let’s continue. We went for coffee. And you mother just couldn’t stop staring at my butt.”

Kamilah rolled her eyes but didn’t interrupt it.

 August 15th, 2018

 “So, how do you like your coffee?” Anna had guided them to a small coffee cart by the side of the building. There was barely anyone around, unlike the other gigantic coffee carts they passed by. 

The woman arched her eyebrows to the small old man playing some sort of card game with a kid. They were speaking a language she couldn’t understand. “Black. No sugar.”

“Figured.” Anna laughed softly, approaching the old man and playing a kiss on both his cheeks before starting to talk in the same language as them. “Tudo bem, Antônio? Pode me fazer dois cafés pretos extrafortes? Um deles sem açúcar, por favor.”

“You know him?” She asked when the girl took a step back, waiting for the coffee.

“Yup.” Annie drove her attention to the kid on the floor. He looked back when felt her hugging from behind, smiling and waving to both women. “I stay here a lot.”

“So I see…” those brown eyes once again started to analyse the cart, now with less suspicion. “That language you spoke. Was it Portuguese?”

“Yeah. Got it right away, huh? People usually think it’s Spanish or Italian. Every time I tell them I’m Brazilian, they just start to speak Spanish with me… Or a really loud and slow version of English. Both suck. My Spanish is horrible. And I’m not deaf.”

“Aqui, Aninha. Dois cafés bem fortes. Um sem açúcar, e o seu bem doce.” Antônio gave her a warm smile. He always remembered how Annie liked her coffee. She paid for it with a five-dollar bill and refused any change.

Slowly, they started to walk away with their coffees. The sunset was almost over, a dark shade of orange shining on Anna’s black wavy hair. She kept her eyes staring at the floor, lips twitching with indecision. It seemed she was trying to find the right words. The stranger besides her had such an intimidating aura that suddenly Anna felt like a shy teenager again, not the impressive college professor who won tons of arguments during congresses. She tried to gather courage to look at the woman once again, her mouth opening to ask a question, but someone interrupted with a touch on the shoulder.

“Anna?” They turned to face another college professor. She looked no more than thirty, blue eyes shining behind blond bangs. “Sorry to disturb you. I was just passing by. Did you get the chance to read my email?”

“No worries, Faith. I’m the one who should be apologizing, I did read the email, but I was so distracted by the donations this week I forgot to give you an answer. It was about the article, right? You sent me a sketch?”

“Yes, yes. For a new magazine we’re working on. It’s due to Monday. I was wondering if you could take a look and help me fix the mistakes. I’m sure there are plenty of them.”

The one named Faith took a step forward, practically excluding the other woman from the conversation. There was something on her smile, a hint of a special admiration.

“To Monday? Gosh, I’m so sorry. Let’s do the following. Are you staying for the lecture today?” Anna pointed to the sign on the wall. They were having those big weekly lectures with different CEOs and tonight was going to be a Mrs. K. Sayeed speaking… Among others less important names.

“What? Oh. Yeah. I am.” She cleared wasn’t planning to until now.

“Perfect. That’ll give me time to read it again and make better notes. When the lecture finishes, come and meet me at my office, we can talk about it. Okay?”

“Sure thing, Ann. I’ll see you later.” Faith took another step forward, kissing Annie on both cheeks before turning back to the building.

The woman beside her had a judgemental look on her face.

“What?” Anna took a sip of the coffee.

“Do all of your co-workers kiss you?”

“I’m Brazilian. We kiss people on the cheek. Regularly. It’s the polite thing to do.”

“She is definitely not Brazilian. I don’t think her kissing was over politeness.”

“Why, are you jealous?” Anna opened a teasing smile.

The woman answered with a short laugh. “No.” But her eyes were sparkling. Analysing. Right now, she was capturing Annie’s features: the pink-flowered blouse stuck inside social pants, stains of coffee on one of the blazer’s sleeves, her short stature, those black burning eyes. 

“Why are you here?” The professor’s voice cracked the silence that lingered between them. “I mean, you’re not a student. Is it the lecture?”

“Oh. Yes. I have to be there in ten minutes.” A flash of discomfort crossed Annie’s face after hearing those words. “What? Something against the lecture?”

“No. Not exactly. It’s just… Not my kind of thing.”

“How so?”

They were back at the entrance. Anna leaned her head for a second, deciding what to do. Then, she took a step in, waiting to be followed by the woman.

“Well. Let’s just say that listening to billionaires giving advices to a hundred rich kids about how to perpetuate the same M.O. of exploitation their parents and grandparents had been doing for decades is not on my top list of good use of academic time and space.” That was the sincerest she could be without cursing. “I’d rather watch other lectures.”

“Did you watch any of the previous ones to have such a sharp opinion?”

“I did, in fact. Two. The first one, with the Canadian guy, Mr. Phelps. And last week. I had some spare time. It was… Raines. Adrian Raines. From Raines Corporation. He was better than Phelps. A little.”

The woman seemed to stiff a bit.

“What about tonight? Do you know the speakers?”

Anna’s eyes moved away to the floor. Every time she had to search for something in her memory, there were these little signals. Fingers entangling, like a little prayer about to start. Eyebrows furrowing. Lips pressing. The unknown woman noticed it all, since she couldn’t stop looking at the professor.

“Three of them. Mr. Walker. He’s a teacher here. Stupid, arrogant, and too touchy around female professors, may I add. I also know Haley, Haley Dens, I helped her with a job interview a while ago. We met during a lecture at Columbia. She’s nice, but I’m not familiar with her work. I also know the main attraction, not on person, but I read her thesis. Ms. K. Sayeed. Solid thesis. Better than Mr. Raines.”

“Hm. Tell me more about it.”

Anna kept her posture, walking slower by the minute. “How can I say it? I sensed… A little bit of naivety on Mr. Raines thesis. He’s not actually perpetuating the status quo, instead he tries to fix it’s problems, make it into a new system by improving the qualities. This doesn’t work. He’s just embellishing something that’s already broken. Ms. Sayeed is clever. Her mistakes are different ones.”

The silence and the curious look on the woman’s face were pushing Anna to continue.

“Hm. Ok. Let’s just say that Ms. Sayeed thesis is more consisting, but the end is frustrating. She admits the system sucks. With better words, of course. And that it’s impossible to fix it. So far, I’m on board. But then, her analysis stop. It’s like a Fukuyama kind of thing, you know? He said history was over. Ms. Sayeed is claiming economy is doomed. Dead. Over. Nothing to do. No one can change things. I beg to differ. That’s such a stupid and lazy conclusion. I do believe the system is broken, and fixing it won’t take us anywhere… That’s why we need to build a new one. From scratch.”

“A dreamer, aren’t you?”

Annie lifted her gaze to find a malicious smile on the woman’s face. She was suddenly stunted by the beauty of it. All the seriousness on her tone, the posture, the entangled fingers, all of it dropped. Suddenly, the college professor returned to the hypnotized teenager mode, bouncing from one foot to another. She looks like a goddess. Oh my. Oh my. She’s… Wait. Who is she?

“Oh no. I’m so sorry. I was so distracted I forgot to ask your name.”

The woman’s brown eyes locked with Anna’s as she approached. For a moment, the professor thought they were going to kiss. Her back was pressed against the pillar, so dangerously close to the stranger that lavender parfum started to dominate her senses. And even though there were a few students walking around, she wouldn’t mind having that gorgeous woman kissing her in the middle of the hallway.

“Kamilah.” She tucked a lock of hair behind Anna’s ear. The small touch sent electric signals through their bodies. “Nice to meet you, Annie.”

“Nice to meet you too.” That was barely a whisper. Her voice was gone. Disappeared.

And all Anna could do was watch as that goddess step back and head inside the auditorium, wondering if all that talk was real. If she was real.

The coffee definitely is. The taste of it was lingering on her tongue.

So was the desire to kiss Kamilah.

[purplesurveys]

647

Have you ever done a craft that you found on Pinterest? I’ve never gone on Pinterest for reasons other than looking for interior design ideas lmao, so no. I’m no good at crafts anyway so it’s not like looking at Pinterest will make me feel good or motivated. Do you get scrapbooking layout ideas from anywhere? I don’t do scrapbooking, but if I do start (and I’ve always wanted to), I’d definitely get some tips from the internet or from people I know who are artsy. What do you do to wipe off the dust from ordinary life? Drink. Are you content with mystery, or do you wish you knew everything? I wish I knew everything, no matter how bad the news may be. What do you do when someone irritates you on Facebook? Unfriend them, duh. I could still see them in real life anyway, but I can very much hate their presence online enough to unfriend/block them haha.

Are you judgmental? If I meet a person for the first time only after I’ve heard a couple of stuff about them, I might judge them for a bit yeah. Then I’ll brush it off first and see if they really are what I was told they’d be. Do you think your hair looks better natural or dyed? I’ve never had it dyed, so I wouldn’t know if it looks better. Do your parents disrespect you? My mom does; and she’s typically a disrespectful person. My dad’s pretty chill. Have you found that love covers over a multitude of sins? Sure. People just have to watch out and make sure love doesn’t reach such a point that it ends up becoming a cover-up for toxic behavior. What was the last Grand Opening you went to? Popeye’s HAHAHAHAHA. They opened their (second) first branch in the country around a year ago and we didn’t have classes that day, so we went. Do you have anything coming up tomorrow? No Monday classes for me, so the day would just consist of me doing schoolwork at home, or in a coffee shop, or whatever works for tomorrow. What's one thing that makes your stomach hurt? DAIRY. I’m having milk tea right now and it is a nightmare. But it tastes so good, so lactose town it is. Ever had a living nightmare? You mean the last 22 years of my life? Sure. Do you have a lot of haters? Idk, it’s possible but I don’t worry about that kinda stuff.

Do you think successful people always come with a pack of haters? Of course. People are alllllllllways envious. Do you have supernatural abilities? No. Do you kick yourself when you make mistakes? Do you say, "I wish I would have" a lot? Yeah I do this a lot. It drives my girlfriend nuts and she hates when I start on could have/should have rants, but it’s my thought process most days. Are you doing the most you can with your life? 'The most’ is probably pushing it. I know I can still do more like join contests, volunteer, be in more orgs, etc. but it doesn’t mean I’m unhappy where I am and with what I’ve done. I can still call myself satisfied, and I hope it means I’ve been doing something right. Do you let people walk on you? No. At least I don’t think so. Are you ok? Thanks for asking :’) I could be better, but at least I’m functioning and that’s better than being a vegetable in bed all day. Do you have a friend you miss right now? Yeah, I always miss Angela. Do you ever write snail mail to your friends? We don’t do that anymore dude. Do you make your life look better than it is on Facebook? Yeah. There’s like this quiet mutual understanding among people (at least in my generation) that Facebook is for impressing your relatives and showing how good of a life you have, and Twitter is where you air out your sadness and rants and all the mess in your personal life haha. Do you feel God's presence regularly? There is no presence to be felt. Do you experience chronic pain? Nope. Do you believe God loves you and is rooting for you? Don’t need anyone else other than my friends and myself to do both of those for me. Have you ever dreamt that you were falling? I’ve never dreamt it but I’d sometimes get that sensation when I would almost fall asleep. What would your dream career be? Lawyer. If I wasn’t such a fucking crybaby in arguments I think I’d survive law school just fine HAHA. Are you a daydreamer? Sure. Do you daydream so much that you wonder if there's anyone who doesn't?  Not really. I just daydream when I’m bored. Do you ever just sit and daydream for awhile?  ^ Again, only when I’m bored. Is the snow falling where you are right now? Snow has never fallen in the Philippines. What is your favorite part of nature? Mountains, and the spectacular views they can give. Do you wish you could be a world traveler? Sure. Do you wish you could live in another city for a year? I wish I could migrate to another country – that’s how much I want to get out of here. What city would you like to visit? I’m eyeing Bangkok for my next trip abroad if that’s ever going to happen :) What has been your favorite city that you've visited? Locally, Vigan or Sagada. Abroad... probably Bali. If you had kids, would you take them to Disney World? I’m definitely going to be that parent who takes my kids every year and lets them wear whatever costume they’d want. Have you ever stood in line to get a Disney character's autograph? No. Do you own a birthday crown? I had a tiara for my 7th birthday party, but I’m not sure if my mom was able to keep it. How long does it usually take your hair to dry? Do you dry it naturally or blow-dry it? I have it dry naturally because I get bored blow-drying it. It usually takes an hour or two. Do you straighten your hair? No. I have bad experiences with that because as a kid/teenager, my mom would force me to have my hair rebonded even if I never wanted to have it done to my hair; so these days, when someone asks if I prefer my hair to be straightened, I shudder and say no. Do you sleep with a teddy bear? No and I never did. I was never into stuffed toys. Would you consider yourself a free spirit? To an extent, I guess. I do enjoy being independent and trying out new things, but I always want people to be with me along the way. If I’m gonna travel the world, I need a travel buddy. If I’m gonna go hiking in Sagada, I’d feel better having a companion. If I’m gonna try worms or bugs for the first time, it’s always nicer having someone who’s just as daring when it comes to food. I’m basically a free spirit who never wants to feel lonely, haha. Do you need to clean out your closet? I need to refold some of my clothes, but otherwise I know where everything is. Do you watch YouTube videos regularly? Yeah, I watch at least one video a day. What's your favorite coffee shop? Starbucks will always be my first love for their ambience, but Coffee Bean is pretty great too. Is your Pinterest page cluttered? It’s not used at all. Do you want to start a collection? Yes, I always said I would start collecting all sorts of WWF/E memorabilia once I’m able to afford having a steadily-growing collection. My future house is definitely gonna have its own ~man cave~ except it’ll be for wrestling merch, and it’ll have its own TV and sound system too for when I want to hide from the world and just find solace in wrestling. Are you a role model? Would you consider yourself a good example? I’ve had people say they look up to me for certain traits, but this isn’t something I actively try to become. I have bad habits and vices of my own, so I definitely don’t endorse myself as a role model. But if I can help people in other aspects, then that’s more than alright with me. Are you a leader or a follower? Follower. I like being a leader whenever I can, but there’s too much pressure in being the leader all the time. Who's your favorite person? My girlfriend, durrr. Who have been your favorite American Idol contestants? Siobhan Magnus, Adam Lambert, and Pia Toscano. Did you used to name your Barbies? No. I never liked playing with Barbies either. I think I only ever got one Barbie doll as a present, and it’s because I always preferred playing with toys for boys given that I grew up with mostly male cousins. What unnatural hair color looks best on you?  I’m not sure. I’ve wanted to dye my hair either red or green, though. Is your life boring? No. It’s certainly picked up in the last few months. Do you usually feel better around people or alone? I do great for both situations. It depends on what I need at a particular time. Is there a broken relationship in your life that you want to fix? There’s a broken relationship, but I have no desire to fix it. Do you ever think about Heaven? A part of me finds a level of solace in the idea of getting reunited with lost loved ones when I die, but I mostly think there’s no afterlife. Are you ready for Heaven yet? Are you afraid of where you're going to go? No. I’d like to think I’ll end up somewhere in the universe, and it’s enough to calm me down. Do you have a tree outside your window? Yes, but it’s dark and we have curtains so I can barely see the trees. Do you feel better now than you did last night? I wouldn’t say that, even though I’m feeling okay tonight. I was with Gabie last night, which automatically makes last night better. Is your sleep schedule messed up? It’s still a little bit distorted, yeah. But I’m not too worried about it because at least all my classes this sem start at 10 AM, which means I get to sleep in unlike last sem when I had 7 AM/8:30 AM classes :) Does your body have any problems with it? It gets tired during the day because I’d usually take naps in the afternoon, but it doesn’t affect me too badly. Are you doing ok spiritually? I don’t think about that aspect. Have you taken any huge risks lately? I had a long, blunt talk with Gab last night and it involved topics regarding our relationship that have long been denied and shelved finally acknowledged and let out in the open; and I think that in itself is a big step to take. Silence or songs? I can prefer either depending on my mood. Tea or coffee? Coffee. Books or movies? 10 year old me would say books. Today me would say movies. Do you ever watch your favorite movies from when you were a kid? Yes. I do a Toy Story rewatch at least once a year. ^If you were going to do that, what would you watch? Mostly Disney movies like Toy Story, Finding Nemo, The Game Plan, etc. Do you ignore rude people or do you call them out? Call them out. Do you have trouble staying organized? Yeah, but then again I’m messy-organized so even though I find it hard to maintain being organized, I still end up remember where everything is placed (most of the time). What has been your most favorite adventure? Walking around Bali and my family not knowing where the hell we were or where we were headed. What has been your greatest mistake? I hate questions like this. Are you happy with your life right now? I’m like 75% happy with it, which I’d say is a decently healthy amount. Do you take anything to make your feel better? No. Are your parents still together? Yes. What color socks do you have on? Currently barefoot. Are you under a blanket right now? Nope. It’d be nice to be that right now, though. Are you hopeful? Always.

[peachjjam]

what law school did to me (mental & physical health, identity, thoughts)

Hello friends!

So it’s been almost a month since my last day in law school (which were my finals) and I have to say, it’s been... life-altering. Never have I ever had an experience like this. Law school is a way different beast from any kind of thing I’ve embarked on in my young life (wow young). After some reflection, and a few weeks of reconnecting with myself(?) as crazy as that sounds, here are three things law school did to me overall. 

( losing my identity during law school )

You read that correctly! I say this because I’ve never felt more detached from my own body than when I was in law school. It feels like you’re your own spectator, watching to see what your body automatically does which is wake up, pack my bag to leave for school at 8am (even though my first class is at 2pm), get a way too overpriced iced coffee (something I’ve going to kick to the curb this year) and settling in the library to get some studying done. I was doing this nonstop for seven days a week, never giving myself a break, not even to relax. 

Of course, I would feel guilty from time to time, but then I would use “free time” to spend with friends, s/o, or family. Never to myself as I thought that was a luxury. And during those 5 months, I felt more and more of a stranger to myself; I didn’t practice any hobbies nor had any creative outlet. To my eyes, it felt like I was a robot, someone who just studies. I put the pressure on myself 24/7 for the last 5 months of the year and trust me, it’s something I regret doing.

Next would be my mental health. I (unofficially) have anxiety, and because of the constant stress of law school, my daily life has been riddled with too much anxiety than I could have ever dealt with. And, as you guessed with, law school killed my mental health. It drove it to the bone. I didn’t reflect, I didn’t process (since I moved and thought like a robot) and I didn’t take care of myself mentally nor physically. So on most days, I was irritable, isolated (in my mind), and fatigued. My mental health took a toll every day, and I was doing nothing to address it because i thought I didn’t deserve to address my mental health when I was barely getting through daily recitations. But of course, I know now that’s bad thinking, so I’m taking steps to fit in self-care everyday.

Lastly, my physical health. I think I maybe exercised once in those 5 months?? And then sat for 8-12 hours a day???? I was terribly unhealthy. I gave up on exercising since I had so much guilt in not being able to recite properly. Looking back at it, I knew I shouldn’t have let it go, because it’s a known fact that exercise helps in academics, it boosts cognitive function, and it helps mentally as well. So if I do exercise, it’ll actually help me get more academic stuff done. But I was so scared of failing that I cut it out to make room for more studying even though every day my thoughts were, “I could have definitely fit in a 20 minute workout just now before showering.” This year, I’m doing my best to cultivate that habit so that I wouldn’t be able to cut it out once school starts.

So that’s what law school did to me! It’s still the first sem of my first year, got a lot of growing and adapting to do, but cheers to 2020! A new year is a a new opportunity to be better. 

[haphazardlyparked]

the lover

regret everything the lover (previous - the lord)

Two days after Congress should have begun, Kan faces down a furious Noki in one of his larger and less-used workrooms. 

They’re alone; to give Sem some peace and quiet in the small audience study they both prefer working in, Kan had arranged this meeting to be here. Noki has taken to shouting at Kan in the week or so since the Congress news, and he does so loudly. And frequently. Kan can only assume their day’s scheduled meeting will be disruptive. 

He’s right. Today, Noki is so irate, he skips the pleasantries and goes straight to the point.

“You blocked the plans for a joint factory, and you’ve banned devout Sahms from visiting Tasak,” he accuses as he steps into the room. He barely looks around at the changed surroundings, with the tall bay windows and the large tables spread with maps and screens and writing instruments, and entirely without seats. “This is what you’ve decided to do, instead of Congress?”

“You asked me to rule, Sadura,” Kan says, in cool warning. Now is not the time for this conversation. Yesterday night wasn’t either, nor the morning before that. “And I am ruling.” 

Even though most of the Congress work has been bounced back to the review department to sort out for next year, Kan is still being run ragged. Just today, he has a high-level data custody battle to arbitrate and a ring of angry anti-Samran horticulturists raising hell in the southwestern quarter of the city and its outskirts. Not to mention all of the new year wishes to share with his allies.

“But why, sir?” Noki demands. “Why are we regressing? Congress could have been handled better, and so can this!”

Kan’s reply is recklessly dismissive, delivered while he looks over plans of the city’s ground level juxtaposed with stats on how the horticulturists’ movement has transformed it. They have apparently been planting invasive species in public gardens and all over the ground-level to symbolize what they perceive to be Samran incursion.  

“Ask the ambassador,” he says. 

Who knows what Isokai will see fit to share with his Tasakese liaison? Kan doesn’t care. He’s exhausted and irritated even with Congress cancelled, and he’s trying to slog through both his work and what the Dowager usually handled for him. He’s far from in the mood to justify his decisions to an angry diplomat, even when that diplomat is Noki.

Kan might be willing to let Samra join the trade alliance, eventually, but not when it puts his own life in danger. Or at least not before he’s sure he can protect Tasak from any potential fallout. (And yes, maybe he’s dragging his feet out of spite, too—the Dowager’s death hurts still, a pain that Kan struggles to  accept.) Isokai supports his caution, Kan knows, though he won’t do so publicly. The ambassador understands the push and pull of overt and covert diplomacy, and he sees the end-game.   

Noki doesn’t, yet. “You aren’t even trying anymore,” the diplomat hisses at Kan, and storms out of the room.

He doesn’t come home that night.

“We have to go through with the old plan,” Noki says heavily, sinking into the chair. He scrubs his hands through his hair and counts out his breathing.

“That was a plan of last resort,” Isokai says. “Have we reached such measures?”

“Yes!” Hona snaps. “He cancelled Congress! And now nobody can call him to account for closing the factory and banning visitations from devout Sahms until such systemic prejudice is already the norm. He’s talking about adding more restrictions on exports and imports too for ‘sensitive sectors’ and ‘reasons of state security.’ The rest of the alliance will follow suit, obviously, and effectively end whatever bilateral trades deals they have with Samra. Your trade will be crippled.”

Isokai frowns. “I was lead to believe it was his actions which mattered, not his musings. I have not heard of any new trade restrictions.” 

“But he has censured the Sahms congregationalists and vetoed the factory,” says Polis, less inflamed than Hona but equally as firm in her opinion. “At the rate he’s going, who’s to say he doesn’t impose more restrictions and sanctions, and cancel next year’s Congress to avoid criticism too?”

Still the composed devil’s advocate, Isokai meets Polis and Hona with an assured sense of calm. “Does that sound like the lord you know?” he asks. 

“It’s different now,” Noki speaks up. He feels sick with the realization, but he also thinks he’s known this for a while. “He is different now. Kan is… he was never attached to the idea of progress, and now he’s even more inimical to it. His arbitration has been increasingly heavy-handed ever since he cancelled Congress. Since before then. It’s almost as if he’s turning himself into the Dowager.”

“He is grieving,” Isokai reminds them. 

“It’s more than that,” Noki says. His quiet, steady voice doesn't belie the way feels—like a twisted up wet towel. He wants to cry, but he can’t let this stop him. Noki has always been willing to sacrifice absolutely everything for this cause. For a better Tasak. He must. “I don’t believe that… that he represents the best future for Tasak.” He’s too volatile, unpredictable and impetuous when Tasak needs a firm, steady leader more than ever.  

The Samran ambassador studies Noki for a long moment, and then bows his head. “My people will stand behind you, whichever choice you make. Please notify me when you decide.”

“We’re deciding,” Noki says, before Isokai can go.

Polis nods decisively, and Hona says, “We’re going back to the old plan.”

With a sharp, tight-lipped smile, Ahal puts a silent hand on her brother’s shoulder; Noki straightens with her support.

“Very well,” Isokai assents, expressionless. “

“Noki,” Isokai says quietly, as they walk from the meeting back to Isokai’s apartment together. “As a friend—I must ask you to reconsider.”

Noki’s shoulders are set and his chin is raised to that most stubborn angle, but his eyes are red at the rims and he looks terrible.

“I have to do it, Isokai,” Noki murmurs back, equally as soft. Neither of them speak about the topic directly, but neither of them needs to. “What else is there for Tasak if I don’t? And he’ll forgive me, in the end. He’ll see it was for the good of the state.”

Iska shakes his head. “He might understand the ‘greater good’ argument,” he says, “and he might forgive the Exchange. Perhaps even Samra, if the future you bring is indeed superior. But he won’t forgive you, Noki.” Not for a few lifetimes at least, and unlike Iska, Noki doesn’t have those.

“He will,” Noki maintains. Then he scowls and gestures at Iska angrily. “You’ve known this was a potential outcome for years, Isokai. Why are you hesitating now?”

“Duty is important to me, as is doing what is right. But I have also learned that sometimes, what’s right is a very cold comfort.”

Noki bristles, still not hearing what Iska is trying to tell him. “Is Samra backing out?”

“No, Noki. My people will support you, if you choose this,” Iska assures him. “I only mean to say that sometimes, it is worth it to find the middle ground—you could do it, Noki. You’re intelligent, your lord knows that, and he’s devoted to you. Why the rush for expediency when it would come at the cost of what you have?”

“Because I don’t know that I can!” Noki bursts out. “I don’t know if I can help lead Kan to better decisions—he’s different, he’s been different ever since the Dowager died!”

“Do you trust him, Noki?”

“I...” 

Noki falters.

“You don’t.” 

Noki swallows, and reluctantly nods. When he speaks, there’s an aching mix of shame and relief in his voice. “I love him, I do, but Tasak needs maturity. Stability.” Noki breaks off, and looks down at his hands. “You understand, don't you, Isokai? I can't let myself be selfish.”

Iska does understand. He understands the sacrifice Noki thinks he must make.

And he understands that Kalna won’t.

(next - the lover, part ii)

@rrrawrf-writes @gingerly-writing @severe-fangirl-syndrome

[daysafternights]

Damaged souls, broken hearts but yet we are still breathing

Well, the last few weeks (I think it’s close to 1.5months haha) have been really busy and as usual I just got too comfortable with my real lazy routine and just can’t bring myself to pen down my thoughts. Regretted much. Okay so I’m just gonna pen down everything now so it’s gonna be really messy so just bear with me.

So I went on a short getaway trip to Langkawi with my HGF (Happy Gan Friends). No regrets. It is amazing how we are friends for 10 years already and how we witnessed each other growth. I’m so thankful to have you guys to keep me in check and can’t express how grateful I feel to have gotten closer to y’all for the past years. Great trip, great food with great company.

So it was recess week. Didn’t actually make a concrete study plan because that’s really not just my kind of thing even though I really tried to. Too much content and started too late as usual. First time ever trying to burn midnight oil and cramping pages after pages of notes into my tiny brain. On a random note, I found out that the waffle shop sells super strong milk tea that really keeps you wide awake so thank you. Anw, I ended up doing very well for my midterms (sorry to others it may not be good enough but I’m really really happy). So I got B+ for my PnP, A for my AnP, A for my CHA and I passed both my CHA and NP practical assessments. Phew, lol in case y’all didn’t know, got a freaking 3.0 for my first sem and 3.5 after S/U. Probably gave MOHH and my SO a fucking heart attack. So I really needed to do well for this sem and thankful my midterms were good. So it’s just left with finals and I’m actually fucking stress over it because I barely started and I’m very worried about the stupid bellcurve. But in any case, I will get my shit together and work on it yeah.

Over the last few weeks, I have been thinking a lot. Like really crappy thoughts, also like the issues my friends are facing and I may be facing. I realised I’m a really selfish friend. I really want to keep all of my friends at my side because I really need them and I love them. But I don’t think I’m doing anything to prove to them that. There is only so much time but I have so many people that I want to keep by my side. Sometimes I feel really sorry for being such a passive person and somehow I can never be that initiative.

Have been thinking ahead as well since my Y1 is going to be over soon. My friends are all going to graduate soon. & there is this Qin Ping that is still lazy and kept on talking about what he hopes to achieve without any plannings or actions. Somehow, I grow up being a really easily contented and happy kid. Or I wish I am or I convienced myself to be. So I succumb to constant, to that constant state that I choose to exist in. Yes, I always tell myself the small steps I can take but I never seem to follow them. It’s so damn fucking hard to make a change, keep it a routine and turn it into a habit. But I know I have to keep trying and make more steps and one day I will reach there. But I don’t know how long I will take. Sometimes I just feel like maybe it is because I didn’t want it hard enough and it’s because I’m so easily happy with what I have. And this is the vicious cycle I’m stuck in.

I want to be better. I can be better. I will be better. I just need to remind myself that everyday. & that’s why you wake up every morning and telling yourself “yes you are still breathing”.

Happened to remember one of my old songs that kept me going during my thrashy days.

Ain't falling apart, or bitter

Let's be bigger than that and remember

The cooling outdoor when you're all alone

We'll go on surviving

No drama, no need for a show

Just wanna say I got you

[oknstark]

His Fantasy ━ Thor [smut]

Pairing: Thor x fem!Reader

Summary: The god of thunder is back at the tower, but he’s not feeling fine. Maybe you can help in a lot of ways you didn’t know...

Warnings: smut, oral sex, rough sex, Thor fantasizing dirty things about the reader.

Word count: 2,406.

A/N: I don’t have any idea of why I wrote this. I thinki I have this obsession with AoU Thor... sorry not sorry.

And as always, I don’t speak english so forgive me for any error.

And gif’s not mine.

Tags: @steve-rogers-personal-hell @champion-ofthe-sun

MASTERLIST

***

Your steps filled the aisle on the empty tower. It was late and none of your mates were there from the mission they left for some hours ago.

Your hands are grabbing tightly the notebook with your new project on mind, which you were very excited about. Certainly, you couldn’t wait for Tony to come and tell him your recent discover. You made your way to the elevator and waited for it to come. Once the doors opened, you walked inside and pressed the button to the first floor.

Pressing to your chest the small laptop, you closed your eyes, enjoying the silence in the whole place. Those days weren’t very rare, where the rest of the team was out trying to fight bad guys and saving the world. They needed your help very few times, mainly because you worked as a scientist and creating new technology, so you were required on the lab with Tony or Bruce, and it wasn’t something that you complained about. It was your work after all.

Suddenly, a striking noise of something hitting the ground outside made you open your eyes and getting you out of your thoughts. Moments later, the elevator stopped on the first floor and you got out of it, walking to the living and expecting to see the person who landed on the yard.

“Oh, hi, Thor...” you said. Your voice started to sound happy, but his uncleaned armor, his messy hair and all the wounds on his arms and face made you frown. 

“Hi...”

“What happened?” you left your computer on the coffee table that was separating you from the god and started to walk to him. “You weren’t with them, weren’t you?” you stopped in front of him, studying his appearence.

“Everything happened” was his only answer. His eyes were lost behind you, watching the elevator like it was the most interesting thing on the planet.

You could see that he was tired. Tired of everything and he did look like it was so done with his duties of being a warrior. You knew Thor was out, he left some weeks ago to go to Asgard. It wasn’t new coming from him, everyone knew he would return eventually, but you didn’t expect him to come like this.

“Why don’t you come to the lab? I can help you with your injuries, that looks pretty bad” you said, pointing at him... All of him.

Thor blinked his eyes one last time, just to wake up of his daydream and just nodded at your help. You told him to follow you downstairs to the lab, and in some minutes you were in. You ordered the god to sit down on a stretcher as you took out a first aid kit and some things to attend at his bruises. He did, setting down on a desk his hammer.

You folded the sleeves of your lab coat and put on gloves, as you started to clean his arms with a gauze and water. You worked on his arms first, and cleared his skin. Thor closed his eyes, his breath became calming as he felt your covered fingertips touching him so carefully.

When you finished to clean his wounds, you took your tools and put them again on its place, down on a locker some steps away from him.

Thor followed every movement that you made, and when you leaned down he couldn’t stop watching you. The pencil skirt that you’re wearing holds every curve of your body and lifts up your ass a little, something that he never refuses to look. It wasn’t the first time he did that, nor the last.

The blonde god always seemed to get something into you. All the team noticed it, except for you. He’s always watching you when you enter the room with your usual clothes; those tight skirts and blouses that marked your cleaveage. Since Tony started to make ‘compliments’ about your body some years ago, Thor semmed that he agreed with everything that he said, but those things have evolved into something more on his mind.

He could imagine your bare skin and every curve of your body exposed to him and just him, to touch your breasts and kiss you roughly while he caress your ass with his huge hands, he even could hear you whimpering at his touch at the very moment…

A bulge started to tighten on his pants just with his thoughts. He gulped at it as he saw you walking again towards him, feeling the heat spreading on his body.

“You should go to shower right now” you said, getting your eyes on him. “It’s going to make you feel better” you smiled at him, playing with your hands nervously.

“I will, thank you” he gaves a simple answer and turns to call his hammer and with that, leaves the lab, going ahead to his room, thinking that you must have read his mind with your suggestion, one that he will take immediately.

When he arrives, all Thor can think about is your smile. Oh, that mouth just drive him crazy everytime. How well he thinks you could take his lenght on it, and taste him, rolling your tongue around his dick… Just imagining all the things that you would do to him with those lips…

He drops his hammer on the floor, deciding that is enough. Quickly, he tooks off his armor and walks to the bathroom, to give himself a goddamn shower. Maybe he can stops thinking about you now, but there is something about midgardian women that Thor finds fascinating. You were like a myth to him, even though you always seemed nice to everyone, he wanted to go further... in all senses.

But he can’t just go and ask you to have sex with him, can he? Thor just waits for the cold water to run on his naked body and calm his nasty toughts, even when he’s still stressed for his recent battle.

***

That night, you stayed on the kitchen. Thanks to the lack of sleep, you decided to work some more with your project, remembering every detail of what Tony has told you to do. Currently focused on the keyboard and the bright screen, something knocked behind you.

“God, you scared me...” you turned around fast just to see Thor, who had bumped on the refrigerator some steps afar from you.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to” he answered, opening the fridge.

You felt that something wasn’t good with him. Since he came, he was completely lost about everything, and you didn’t see him later on dinner or out of his room, talking to someone. The rest of the avengers knew that he was there because FRIDAY notified everyone when they came. You saw him, taking some ice cream from the container and just when he was about to leave, you called for him, worried.

“Thor, are you okay?” you spilled.

The god heard your voice on the door frame and turned around to see you with your arms crossed on the bar.

He took one last spoonfol from his night meal. “Why you ask?”

“You seem off and you’re not usually like that” you shrugged. “You can talk to me if you want” you turned off your laptop and closed it to face him on the stool you were sitting.

Thor hesitated for a second, but he realised that he needed someone to lay everything on, and hoping not to disturb his mind with his previous images about you, he walked and took a seat by your side. You smiled to him, the little light that was on the kitchen came from the outside, but it was enough for Thor to see you.

“So, what happened?” you lifted a brow, as Thor left his bowl on the table and saw you, expecting something from him.

“I’m tired, I guess” he frowned.

“We all are...” you nodded slowly.

He looked at you. By surprise, it was the first time he saw you in what humans used to call ‘casual clothes’, or pijamas in that case. It was more than one in the morning, and he knew you should be sleeping, but instead of doing it, there you were, in tiny shorts and a random white shirt. His gaze followed from your chest to your exposed legs, and, in a blink, he felt aroused once again.

In his shower, Thor couldn’t stop thinking about you and didn’t control his thoughts, which weren’t lovely at all. You seemed like a good girl, someone who’s nice to everyone and everything, always smiling and doing good for others, but he realised he wanted to break that. He felt it like it was some kind of necessity to him.

Your hand reach his, resting on his tigh, and wakes him up from his dream. Your eyes meets his deep blue eyes, and it’s maybe the first time you make real eye contact with the asgardian god.

“You’re not gonna eat that?” your odd question surprises him.

Before he can reply, you move your hand from his and take the spoon full of ice cream, just to lick it slowly in front of him. Thor watches you, breathless, seeing your tongue around the cutlery. You take another spoonful of ice cream, without breaking your eye contact, and repeat the action again. Thor feels his length, tightening on his loose pants and gulps at your sight.

Your eyes getting full of lust as he watches you, teasing him with your mouth, which he’s been dreaming of for some time now. You left the spoon on the table and stood up to sit down on his lap and started to attack him with your a surprising rough kiss. For the first time, Thor doesn’t know what to do with a woman, but his thoughts went blank and just decided to correspond to your kiss. Your hands grabbing his cheeks and his are suddenly exploring your body, feeling your bare legs, your hips and then your breasts, covered just with your shirt, no bra on.

You managed to lift his sweater and throw away the fabric. His tongue making its way on your mouth, exploring it, while his hands are occupied taking your shirt off. You separate for a moment just to remove your blouse before you join your mouths again, in a wet kiss.

Thor felt your hands, getting on his pants and palming his growing erection, and he decided that it was enough. He broke the kiss and grabbed you to get into your knees. He managed to rip off his pants and trousers, now his cock is pumping in front of you.

“Suck”

You let your eyes on his as you obey his order happily and immediately take him into your mouth, going at a fast pace. You lick him and suck him like it’s the greatest lollipop you ever tasted, causing him to moan. His hand grabbed your hair tightly to keep you on your pace, and he groans with pleassure.

Just with the sight of you, pleassing him without hesitation made him feel complete and now his darkest fantasy was fucking true, having you there at his whole mercy.

His hips moved, and you felt him hitting the back of your throat, making you gag around him as he fucked your mouth. Your eyes are closed strongly as you managed to take all you could from him. Thor took out his hard dick from your mouth as he knows he would be close, leaving a string of saliva on your lips and you open your eyes to see his expression full of lust.

He grabbed your arms and pushed you down on the bar, your back facing him and he tooks off your shorts and panties with dispair. He takes a moment to admire your body, that one that he’s being dreaming about, and it’s just as perfect as he imagined it.

The god spread your legs further and slams himself into your wet cunt without warning, making you moan in pain and pleassure. His cock slides into all your spots when he started moving quickly in and out from you.

Your eyes kept closed and your lips open to the sensation, holding a loud moan. You had no voice for a moment, your mind still procesing what’s happening as the god of thunder is pounding you here, with a hard grip on your hip that you know it’s going to leave marks for the next days, and you love it.

Here is where Thor wants to have you, moaning and whimpering for his touch. His hand grabbed your hair and lifts you up a little from the bar, making a new angle to hit in your pussy.

Thor was close and when he felt your walls tightening around as he fucks you hard, just to find his own release. Again, the sight that he’s having from you is more pleassant than any of his dreams about you, and then, he fills you with his hot seed with a loud groan as you moan his name, reaching your peak...

“Thor… Thor… Thor…” your hand waves in front of him.

He breathes heavily and blinks a couple of times. He sees you, moving your hand on his face as you frown at his sight.

There you were, sitting on the stool in front of him, with a confused look on your face, watching the blonde god. “Are you okay?” you asked.

He watched you completely, still on your clothes and sitting down there just like you were minutes ago. Even the little light that came from outside was still illuminating your face… Then, it hit him. It was just a fantasy; another daydream from him. He sighed, feeling the heat spreading on his cheeks. It felt so damn real…

“Yeah, just… I, um, I have to go. I’m not feeling well…” he lied, still shocked about what happened on his mind.

He stood up and walked out of the kitchen, leaving you with your mouth open, and a warming running trough his entire body for that vivid experience. Walking across the living, he pinched his own arm just to wake up, but he knew it was better to go to sleep. Or maybe have a shower. He needed to forget you, or forget what just happened...

It was too good to be true.

[after-we-collided-teljes-film]

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After We Collided (2020) Teljes Filmek Magyarul felszabadított: 2020–09–02 Runtime: 105 percek Műfaj: Romantikus, Dráma Csillag: Josephine Langford, Hero Fiennes Tiffin, Shane Paul McGhie, Dylan Sprouse, Samuel Larsen Rendező: Roger Kumble, Jennifer Gibgot, Mark Canton, Courtney Solomon, Anita Brandt-Burgoyne Videók ajánlók: Online videa After We Collided (2020) teljes filmek magyarul

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Tessa és Hardin különös kapcsolata válaszúthoz érkezik. A lány ráébred, hogy talán minden hiábavaló volt, és mégsem kellett volna a vonzalomnak engedve mindent feladnia. Egyértelműen vesztesként kerül ki a küzdelemből. Hardin továbbra sem tud semmit felmutatni, egyedül Tessa elvesztésétől kell tartania. Egy dolog biztos csupán, hogy a történtek után semmi sem lesz a régi. Tessa úgy gondolta, hibáival együtt képes elfogadni Hardint, még a keménysége felett is szemet hunyt, de amikor újabb információk birtokába jut a fiú korábbi tetteiről és kapcsolatuk kialakulásának valódi körülményeiről, elbizonytalanodik. Már egyáltalán nem biztos benne, hogy valóban ismeri a fiút, az élete zavarossá válik, úgy érzi, becsapták. Szeretne mindent hátrahagyni, de nem tud szabadulni az együtt töltött idő emlékeitől. Ugyanakkor abban is biztos, hogy megunta a szószegést, és az előtte álló ígéretes jövőt sem szeretné veszni hagyni. Komolyan fontolóra veszi, hogy kilép a kapcsolatból. A látszat ellenére Hardin is gyötrődik, talán most először érzi igazán, mekkora hibát követett el. Küzdeni akar a szerelmükért, de kétséges, hogy egy ember valaki vagy valami kedvéért tud-e teljesen szakítani régi énjével.

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Definition and definition of film / film While the players who play a role in the film are referred to as actors (men) or actresses (women). There is also the term extras that are used as minor characters with few roles in the film. This differs from the main actors, who have larger and more roles. As an actor and actress, good acting talent must be required that corresponds to the subject of the film in which he plays the leading role. In certain scenes, the role of the actor can be replaced by a stunt man or a stunt man. The existence of a stuntman is important to replace the actors who play difficult and extreme scenes that are usually found in action-action films. Movies can also be used to deliver certain messages from the filmmaker. Some industries also use film to convey and represent their symbols and culture. Filmmaking is also a form of expression, thoughts, ideas, concepts, feelings and moods of a person that are visualized in the film. The film itself is mostly fictional, though some are based on actual stories or on a true story. There are also documentaries with original and real images or biographical films that tell the story of a character. There are many other popular genre films, from action films, horror films, comedy films, romantic films, fantasy films, thriller films, drama films, science fiction films, crime films, documentaries and others. This is some information about the definition of film or film. The information has been cited from various sources and references. Hope it can be useful. ❍❍❍ TV FILM ❍❍❍ The first television shows were experimental, sporadic programs that from the 1930s could only be seen at a very short distance from the mast. TV events such as the 1936 Summer Olympics in Germany, the crowning of King George VI. In Britain in 19340 and the famous launch of David Sarnoff at the 1939 New York World’s Fair in the United States, the medium grew, but World War II brought development to a halt after the war. The 19440 World MOVIE inspired many Americans to buy their first television, and in 1948 the popular Texaco Star Theater radio moved to become the first weekly television variety show that hosted Milton Berle and earned the name “Mr Television” demonstrated The medium was a stable, modern form of entertainment that could attract advertisers. The first national live television broadcast in the United States took place on September 4, 1951, when President Harry Truman’s speech at the Japanese Peace Treaty Conference in San Francisco on AT & T’s transcontinental cable and microwave relay system was broadcasting to broadcasters in local markets has been. The first national color show (the 1954 Rose Parade tournament) in the United States took place on January 1, 1954. For the next ten years, most network broadcasts and almost all local broadcasts continued to be broadcast in black and white. A color transition was announced for autumn 1965, in which more than half of all network prime time programs were broadcast in color. The first all-color peak season came just a year later. In 19402, the last holdout of daytime network shows was converted to the first full color network season. ❍❍❍ formats and genres ❍❍❍ See also: List of genres § Film and television formats and genres TV shows are more diverse than most other media due to the variety of formats and genres that can be presented. A show can be fictional (as in comedies and dramas) or non-fictional (as in documentary, news, and reality television). It can be current (as in the case of a local news program and some television films) or historical (as in the case of many documentaries and fictional films). They can be educational or educational in the first place, or entertaining, as is the case with situation comedies and game shows. [Citation required] A drama program usually consists of a series of actors who play characters in a historical or contemporary setting. The program follows their lives and adventures. Before the 1980s, shows (with the exception of soap opera series) generally remained static without storylines, and the main characters and premise barely changed. [Citation required] If the characters’ lives changed a bit during the episode, it was usually reversed in the end. For this reason, the episodes can be broadcast in any order. [Citation required] Since the 1980s, many FILMS have had a progressive change in the plot, characters, or both. For example, Hill Street Blues and St. Elsewhere were two of the first American prime time drama television films to have this kind of dramatic structure [4] [better source required], while the later MOVIE Babylon 5 further illustrated such a structure had a predetermined story about the planned five season run. [Citation required] In 2020, it was reported that television became a larger part of the revenue of large media companies than the film. Some also noticed the quality improvement of some television programs. In 2020, Oscar-winning film director Steven Soderbergh declared the ambiguity and complexity of character and narrative: “I think these qualities are now being seen on television and people who want to see stories with such qualities are watching TV. ❍❍❍ Thanks for everything and have fun watching ❍❍❍ Here you will find all the films that you can stream online, including the films that were shown this week. If you’re wondering what to see on this website, you should know that it covers genres that include crime, science, fi-fi, action, romance, thriller, comedy, drama, and anime film. Thanks a lot. We inform everyone who is happy to receive news or information about this year’s film program and how to watch your favorite films. Hopefully we can be the best partner for you to find recommendations for your favorite films. That’s all from us, greetings! Thank you for watching The Video Today. I hope you like the videos I share. Give a thumbs up, like or share if you like what we shared so we are more excited. Scatter a happy smile so that the world returns in a variety of colors. ”

[noheroes-allowed]

week 2

I felt like I was getting carpel tunnel in my hands last week. and that was why I couldn’t write my thoughts down earlier bc I was literally resting my hands the past two days. I was trying so hard everyday to catch up on credit strategy and sas. I think I’m frustrated on how things are going. but I’m not allowed to complain about it bc I’m ‘so lucky.’ when people are so ‘excited’ on zoom, is that real? there’s this guy larell who is literally smiling all the time, but it’s the scary kind of smile. his eyes look empty. it’s an act, right? they’re just trying to make good impressions so they can get a full-time offer. or they’re just better adjusted than I am. I can’t tell. everyone’s so excited about things I’m so bored about. like orientation when we spent so long going over irrelevant things. or personal social media branding. which was just common sense. the ur team is holding an olympics thing next friday which would've been fun in person to make friends and socialized but over zoom, it kind of feels like it’s going to be a mess. I’d rather just work on my project and get work done. 

I’m frustrated with myself too. I can’t focus when I need to sometimes and I have difficulty conversing over calls. a part of me is grateful I don’t have to worry about my body language and making extra effort to smile if we were in person since no video is the default bc of bandwidth I think. but also it’s really difficult to converse. but also that might be bc I’ve literally not had to talk in a professional sense or think off the top of my head or quick on my feet in so long that I’m just regressing in that skill when I was really bad to begin with. one of my strengths is the amount of effort I put in and being organized and conscientious but I can’t even portray that through this virtual environment. and speaking up matters so much more now. I think that’s why anthony bothers me. bc I’ve been trying so fucking hard to learn sas and he’s over there still not having done anything 10 days in. and he’s also just dominating every conversation he’s in and trying to make himself sound smart. like when he was talking about economic theory assuming everyone is rational and throwing in terms like adverse selection and flexing that he has a gf in two separate situations in the span of two days that had no relevance to the topics at hand. gross. I just hate people who think they’re so smart and try to sound intellectual. and yes I fucking hate his glasses ok. it makes him look like a fucking asshole.

the ur team also set up an intern networking program and I met the first girl last thurs. and I swear she looked disappointed when I came on screen. I swear. the conversation was fine I guess. we talked about school and the fall and she said she would rather have everything be online than potentially have classes on saturday. we talked about shows too. she said she liked b99 bc it reassured her that not all police are bad. which I hope she does not actually use b99 as a representation of police. idk if I regret signing up for the program bc I like having lunch breaks to myself. like I just wanna watch shows. but I forced myself to sign up for this and the innovation challenge even though I already foresee that being a mess bc group work in these times is not gonna go well. I feel like I’m forcing myself to do a lot of things lately. which is good I guess to push my boundaries and being comfortable doesn’t make me grow but also. I just want to slow down.

nolan's last day was friday. I wish he wasn’t leaving so soon bc I feel like I was being a huge idiot around him and I want to redeem himself. so I’m not just some dumb kid in his mind. I sent him a message though thanking him for explaining things with me even though he was extremely busy. but he kept saying he had a free schedule. idk. he thanked me for my ‘kind words’ and said I could connect with him on linkedin and ask him for career help if I needed it. which was nice. he would’ve been a nice mentor to have but he also intimidated me so much bc I think I just. don’t know how to conduct myself around typical business guys even though he was so nice to me and all the fear around him is just manifestations of ideas in my mind. it’s also unfortunately bc I don’t know how to act around white people these days bc I basically don’t know any and aren’t around them since leaving hs and umd. I think he actually would’ve been really helpful in my own development too, not just for the intern project bc he’s so young and went through the program. and probably would’ve been more candid with me and I would’ve been more open to him as time went on. sigh. chee is nice though. he’s helping me and I think he’ll be quite helpful as the project goes on, but it feels like only on technical things. not necessarily mentoring. which is fine. people have different styles. and he’s less intimidating in my mind for some reason even though he’s older and has more experience than nolan. 

I hope my project is good. ugh I really want my work to stand out against everyone else’s. I’m really scared about having to find a job soon bc my interview skills are below par and I feel like this is my only opportunity to get a job. but I also don’t see myself moving there. and if they go online idk if I’d survive it. idk it’s probably not a good fit for me but it’s like. I don’t think I can factor that in this job market. and I know the project outcome isn’t everything bc I have to network and prove I’m a good fit. even though I’m most likely not. but everyone keeps saying network network network. but I don’t know how. it’s frustrating. and they keep saying ask questions. but what if you don’t know enough to know what to ask? it’s like that issue when people are like go to your prof’s office hours to ask questions to get to know them. but like. I barely had questions and whenever I went to office hours I just sounded like a dumbass bc I’d just be there for 5 min. ask a question and then be like ‘ok’ and then leave. like I just don’t know what to ask. 

other things of this week. I had a corp rel meeting on thurs. so I’m starting to look into potential companies to contact. and it was easy to find sustainability/environment ones and social sector ones but finance and tech are tricky. I got grades back on a lot of my final exams. I was one point away from a cutoff but on student center I got the higher grade. which thank you bc the grade I got on my final was the lowest grade of the entire sem for that class so I was a little disappointed I didn’t just pull through at the end. also it’s so ironic of me to get an internship tangentially related to the second most disliked class I took this sem. I did worse than I wanted to on all of my finals but. what was I expecting really. I still haven’t figured out what to do about the mps thing. but I really need to soon. idk if I should play it safe and apply for stats or try for info sci. but also. ugh does it matter. like I was so sure I wanted to do info sci over stats but now I have to only choose one bc I can only apply to one. and have to decide my fall schedule based on that decision. and the cs databases class seems so theoretical. and the business intelligence class and the tech ethics class looked interesting. but the messy data class and applied databases class are probably more useful.