#ballerinarina

[ballerinarina]

[ballerinarina]

oh damn, yes! ♡ i'm going through the same experience, now on season 2, and i get so excited over them (and over watching diego x lila again, i won't lie for you) that i've been trembling to vent all my thoughts about it.

maybe i should do it!

now it's so more funny to watch five and lila's dynamic in the beginning and honestly i missed my babies fiktor a lot, a really lot...

Rewatching Umbrella academy makes the fiktor and the fivela heart go burrrrr

[misoginitas]

capítulo 1

pra começar, eu to tentando desenvolver o hábito de escrever mais sobre as coisas que eu sinto, porque me expressar é muito trágico pra mim. pra alguém que sempre se conteve em tudo, é meio foda falar sobre esse tipo de coisa profunda com todos me encarando assim ,,, mas meu psicólogo de verdade me pediu pra que eu desenvolvesse mais hobbies e coisas do tipo, pra ocupar a cabeça. aí eu pensei que criar uma espécie de diário virtual fosse me ajudar com isso. eu meio que tenho um diário físico, mas eu penso mais rápido que escrevo e digitar é mais rápido, e tipooo o tumblr tá na palma da minha mão …. enfim. motivos o suficiente. terapia de exposição.

aliás, shout out to minha amiga @ballerinarina; pensei no tumblr justamente por causa dela.

mas é, dependência emocional. certa vez, eu disse que eu queria mesmo saber como era gostar de alguém sem ficar completamente obcecado ou cego. de todas as vezes, acho que nunca me aconteceu. algumas eu estava consciente, outras nem tanto. mas nunca gostei de alguém simplesmente gostando da pessoa. isso sequer é poss��vel?

já tentei também entender como eu poderia fazer isso de se curar, e tudo mais. talvez seja só com o tempo, mesmo que ele sozinho não vá resolver. já pesquisei demais sobre, e tudo que eu li era sobre perdão ou aceitação.

mas é muito difícil me aceitar, honestamente. não que seja impossível; é só muito difícil. é difícil perceber que eu queria ser qualquer um que estivesse vivo, menos eu. enquanto eu crescia com essa perspectiva, nunca tinha parado pra pensar sobre igual to fazendo agora.

não houve momento que eu não acreditasse que eu era menos tudo do que as outras pessoas, e a partir do momento que alguém me enxergasse, esse alguém certamente estava louco. não louco, mas o que faz essa pessoa olhar tão pra baixo assim?

e eu honestamente não entendo em 100% de onde vem todo esse sentimento de irrelevância e desvalor; as palavras positivas dos outros deveriam bastar, mas nunca foram o suficiente. talvez eu seja hipersensível pra todas as coisas que meus pais falam do tipo "você é tonto" ou "você não pensa". afinal, eles sempre disseram que me amavam. eles e as outras pessoas na escola, na faculdade, na vida. todo mundo sempre diz que eu sou tão legal e tão bonzinho, e tão inteligente. por que eu continuo sentindo que nada disso é suficiente, e que qualquer um que respirar ao meu lado é mais?

mais difícil do que aceitar, somente o ato de perdoar. potencializando: eu tenho que perdoar não só a mim, mas a todos ao meu redor. difícil, muito difícil.

é que tudo me machuca, desde que eu sou pequeno. e tudo que me falam ou fazem fica guardado no fundo da minha cabeça, esperando o momento oportuno pra ser relembrado e sofrido; é como chicotear as próprias costas com um gancho, repetidas vezes. e como disse meu amigo vitor:

"perdoar é deixar as coisas todas para trás".

todas as vezes que eu não me senti amado, todas as vezes que eu não me amei. todas as vezes que eu me senti abandonado, ridicularizado, humilhado ou até mesmo só esquecido. todas as vezes que eu me coloquei nessa posição e todas as vezes que eu fiz menos questão de mim. lembrar de tudo isso dói, e acreditar que eu tenho que deixar tudo dessa forma dói mais ainda.

deixar tudo ir, no fim das contas, é entender que eu não posso me vingar ou pelo menos ter de volta esses pedaços do meu coração. já foram todos pros outros, e sempre vão ser desses outros; talvez eu tenha entregue todos esses pedaços pra essas pessoas. e aí eu tenho que me sentar no chão frio da consciência, sozinho, pensando que não sobrou nada pra mim.

honestamente, tudo isso vira extrema e pura culpa, e eu sinto que é um dos pilares da minha falta de amor.

mas como sempre ouvi, talvez realmente não tem como eu amar o outro se eu não me amar. enquanto eu não tenho respeito por mim, eu jamais poderei respeitar o outro; porque eu só consigo entregar aquilo que eu conheço. e o que eu conheço agora, infelizmente, é o ódio.

esconder o ódio, no entanto, não é uma tarefa tranquila. tudo que está acontecendo me faz pensar sobre todas as vezes que me alertaram sobre não esconder as coisas. mas não esconder é me encarar no espelho, e sofrer por não me enxergar tão bem quanto eu consigo enxergar o outro. o outro brilha tanto, que é mais fácil se apagar pra não atrapalhar o coitado.

e eu continuo não atrapalhando o outro, como de costume. aí eu me atrapalho sozinho. como de costume. poxa theo, como você é atrapalhado. tentando me virar sem pedir ajuda, eu me machuco, como de costume. caralho, Theodoro, olha o que você fez! agora o theo está sangrando, e não sabe como resolver as coisas. senta para chorar, como de costume.

talvez o problema é sempre fazer o que eu estou acostumado? eu tenho que parar de me acomodar com tudo ao meu redor. momento legal pra citar a maxine minx:

eu não vou. aceitar. uma vida. que eu não. mereço.

como todas as coisas que eu faço e sou, esse conjunto de palavras é insuficiente pra expressar tudo que está guardado no coração. mas me ajudou a pensar melhor nessas coisas todas. me esforcei pra tentar arrumar uma conclusão, mas acho que não tem por enquanto. eu ainda to aceitando tudo, digerindo tudo. e tá bem difícil mas eeiiii, eu vou sobreviver. eu espero.

eu também espero conseguir amar, algum dia. segundo Ele (meu psicólogo),

eu não amo ninguém.

mas é um passo de cada vez.

[ballerinarina]

𐙚 girls, seriously, please remember that diego learned punjabi for lila. don't ever low your male standards.

[ballerinarina]

𐙚ABOUT FIVE AND LILA

Honestly, I don't consider myself the biggest Five & Lila shipper, but I really can't stop thinking (with much affection and endearement) about them both.

Two young beautiful souls, kissing so fondly, loving so beautifully as if they found a refuge.

It's really heartwarming, really sweet. As a Five stan, I couldn't help but cry and cheer for him on the couch as I saw him finally being loved. It's anguish, torturing seeing him lost in space-time again, but seeing that this time he had someone to take care of him was overwhelming.

Aidan and Ritu did an amazing job in their scenes. It's really been my favorite arch in the whole season and it really shocked me that people reacted negatively. Of course, cheering or no for the ship is personal, but I think some opinions are kind of unfair with the characters development, because it was such a beautiful plotline and made so much sense with their psychological situation.

Anyways, that's just a vent of random thoughts, not a big elaboration about the characters and their relationship yet, but I really wish I could see more of them. Oh, its so agonizing and frustrating to know that a lot, lot of their (and the season's as a whole) scenes were cutted off...

[ballerinarina]

[ballerinarina]

𐙚LET'S TALK ABOUT... DIEGO, LILA & FIVE

Okay, firstly I need to state that I'm going to say my impressions about the season four of The Umbrella Academy, focusing on the subway plotline. My considerations are very long (I'm talkative!) and about what I watched in the episodes and what I read on social media, so, I am totally open to opinions too!!

As an hyperfocused girl, I've been thinking about the subway arc plot decision during an absurd amout of time. I watched it a few times and read a lot of opinions. Yet, I still feel a little... surprised (?) by the intense hate over it.

It's not about liking or disliking the new couple that I'm talking about. Since naturally people would prefer one ship over another, it was obviously waited that the opinions would be divided.

I just... can't understand why people hated it so much as if it was a bad plot decision. Diego and Lila are beautiful together, i agree! They have a long, real and strong love story together. But why people are acting like this new plotline erased all their relationship together? Relationships are more complex than that.

Feelings are more complex than that. Humans are.

Actually, I may say that the psychological development that happens in the subway is way more interesting because Lila and Diego love each other, as much as Five loves Diego too.

This being said, I don't mean that I think a cheating plotline is interesting because of the cheating. I actually use to dislike it a lot. However, dealing with cheating in a black-and-white way as if it's an indefendible action is not clever. Sometimes, some things I read make me realize that people are so stuck into traditional morals that their capacity of thinking and analyzing complex emotional situations is kind of... damaged.

𝐒𝐨... 𝐋𝐢𝐥𝐚 𝐗 𝐃𝐢𝐞𝐠𝐨 𝐨𝐫 𝐋𝐢𝐥𝐚 𝐗 𝐅𝐢𝐯𝐞?

The Umbrella Academy is known as a series with very human and complex characters. That's what makes it so good, from the beginning! That's why I think it's kind of sad to judge their relationship with a typical moral view.

Claiming that Lila didn't deserve Diego, for example is so... so sad. She was an amazing mother and wife. She tried to go back to them for six years and as soon as she could she went back! Not even thinking twice! She loves Diego, of course she does!

Loving Five doesn't make her love for Diego less strong.

I really don't think Lila X Five is just neediness, however, no way. They already spent two seasons constructing a beautiful (friend) relationship before and in this horrible context they spent a lot of time taking care of each other, being each other's support. Considering this and their communication development — jokes on season 3, kindness in the beginning of season 4 — it's not surprising or nonsense that it turned to become romantic. People and relationships change, love is built and adapted.

I don't think Lila stopped loving Diego (i mean romantically, but even if she did, she surely didn't in other ways of loving that are as beautiful as it is) but that doesn't make her love for Five false, and Five loving and having a relationship with her doesn't make him a bad brother either. That's why I emphasized that TUA is a series with complex relationships. Why do you get upset and surprised when another relationship between complicated characters is built due to the tragedies of the script?

If this didn't cause outrage before, could it cause because, this time, when things get complicated, the plot resource used questions the standard romantic drama format expected by the system?

𝐍𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐞 𝐩𝐥𝐨𝐭? 𝐎𝐮𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫?

I guess one of the main arguments I saw was that their relationship didn't make any sense and that their scenes were extremely out of character, but I don't think it could be sustained when they both are characters who go through a lot that makes them change, alone or together. What they're claiming being out of character may simply be character development under non-ideal circumstances.

It seems like there's an strong resistance to open their minds while watching and realize that love isn't something that can only happen once and/or once at a time and under ideal situations. Diego and Lila's marriage crisis, Five and Lila developing ther friendship inbetween work cumplicity, Five looking more lost and tired in his decisions than before, the fact that it is the second time he has been trapped in space-time — which is a big trauma for him, since, from the first season (in the first apocalypse) we have been shown that, despite being introverted, arrogant and reserved, it is precisely "relating" that serves as a point of refuge for Five not to go crazy, lowering his guard and being kind...

All of this constructs very well their psychological coherency. "He wouldn't treat her like that during season 2 or 3!", "Lila would never be a domestic mother/ Five wouldn't work do CIA!". Well, we're talking about them now, not there.

One of the plot decisions to start this season was that the characters were living between what they kind-of-desired, but things still weren't fine, they still weren't getting what they wanted.

Five being free from the world-ending, but stll not being able to relax and live a simple retired life as he wanted. Klaus being sober and free of the ghosts, but insecure and anxious. Allison having Claire and Ray, but still unable to live a happy marriage and career. Viktor having his place working with something that makes him comfortable, but still unable to find love. Diego and Lila having a family and marriage and still unable to feel happy because the domestic work dynamic wasn't working...

Adulthood. Real life. None of those situations were out of character, as much as none of the psychological changes they suffered were too.

𝐀 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐬𝐦

Since I don't really see the point on why would all of the happenings between them three could be claimed as "nonsense", even less "unasked" or "unnecessary" — because it's a work of fiction and, even if it may not be what the public wants to watch, it is not something that needs to prove its usefulness, just as events (that tie together well, because coherency matters) do not need to prove their necessity in art —, so it makes me even more sad that clearly mostly of the reactions are based on conservative views of marriage.

I know this season is not perfect, and it had a lot of defects, so I'm not saying the arc is perfect. As all the other arcs, it happened in a hurry, making us the public less abl to feel the 7 years of development. Complaining about how the arc was executed is perfectly fine, actually: after all, we know that 4 episodes were cut from the original script, as were many recorded scenes (including a big part of the subway plotline).

AIDAN: "There's a lot of the relationship with Lila that we filmes but they cut it. It took weeks to film it and they used a few minutes in a montage. That wasn't right. It also made very hard for the viewers to believe when we spent weeks filming scenes to set up that scenario."

But when I bring the conservatism theme (misoginy and remnants/consequences of the monogamous religious structure), it's because, even if we have lots of other of worse defects on other parts of the season, the biggest public overreacting opinions have been undoubtly about Five and Lila.

Anyone who spends more than 2 minutes in the comments on Twitter, Tiktok or even here knows that most of the time people've been sad and angry treating them both as if they were turned into cheaters with no morals (Five as a new kind of scroundrel asshole, Lila as some kind of ungrateful whore and I've even seen people problematizing their enemies phase, or the age difference as if one of then, or even the director, were predators, which is pure nonsense) and I can't even express how it makes me deeply melancholic.

I can't see how reacting as if the situations they were put in and their actions toward it in the scripts were absurd, terrible and dumb can't be just conservative, because they were actually very well tied script decisions, used in a bold way. With an interesting and well written enemies to frenemies to friends to lovers trope, they managed to write something fun and that developed both of the characters in their early-season-conflicts-arising-from-other-seasons.

𝐒𝐨? 𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐝𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐦𝐞𝐚𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐧, 𝐂𝐞𝐂𝐞?

I truly just... Can't understand how some people ended up having collectively such insensitive opinions about the relationship of two characters who were so... vulnerable.

Non-ironically I even saw a lot of people defending they would prefer Five to end up with a “real life Dolores” plotline (since the author felt the need of a romance) than with Lila, or that he shouldn't ever fall in love with anyone else than Dolores. It sounds so... Insane. I can't see how someone can have any kind of shipping-affection for his "sick" relationship with Dolores. It was, for me, a completely heartbroken arc.

While watching this new season, actually, it made me almost warmly happy, as a Five fan, to see him having someone to take care of him in hard times like that. Last time he didn't have it. They loved each other, they constructed this love and even if it was constructed under a refuge, extremely vulnerable situation, as much as even if it was constructed over a hopeless and trust-breaking decision towards their loved Diego, it doesn't make it less real and beautiful.

They aren't bad people. They aren't cheaters. They were desperate.

I'm happy they found love in each other. They were victims but managed to construct a beautiful relationship to survive and it doesn't make them love less Diego, as a brother or as a lover.

Of course it breaks completely my heart that Diego and Five died without making peace, but while watching not even for a moment I considered that they stopped loving each other. They're brothers, they've went through a lot.

They were doing so fine getting along together since they came back from the apocalypse.... There's no way it would "destroy" and "erase" (terms used by some fans) all the progress that's been made... I think it would be a very shallow interpretation of their relationship and a very futile interpretation of the events. Some of the public is seeing the situation as if Five slept with his wife since the beginning, not as if he had felt in love with her in a very apocaliptical and hopeless situation.

It's essential to remember that nothing said romantic happened for six years. It turned this way only after they having practically given up hope of returning home, so exhausted they were.

I really don't think that such a desperate and lonely situation would erase all the love and dedication Diego have for Five (and Five has no reasons to stop feeling it for Diego too, obviously). Diego was totally the sweetest during this season, he did his best, but Five did too... Now they fought but it doesn't mean their relationship would be forever broken. They were both stressed out, of course, it was a sensitive situation. But, i don't think it would... However with an apocalypse going on, they just didn't have enough time.

Diego was clearly open to understand Lila better, so I really doubt he wouldn't try to do the same with Five. But, again, they were both heart broken, hot headed and with no time. It's sad and it affect them, but "destroy and erase" are very heavy terms and inconsistent with the context of their relationships.

I don't know. I don't know how to conclude this analysis. I just… Am sorry. I honestly feel lucky to have been able to experience Diego, Lila and Five, but I'm so sorry that I couldn't see these three hearts find peace in their complicated loves, even during their final moments. These are three very beautiful love relationships that grew up tangled up and that, unfortunately, couldn't unfold in time to hurt less their lovers.

It felt wonderful and desolate. I hope more people can feel it like i did.

[ballerinarina]

I can't handle how insanely pretty he's here.

[speedyhannah]

thanks a lot for the tag babe!!

dream room: light and a bit messy but clean ^^

dream job: astronomer <3

dream place to live: new york !!

dream outfit style: y2k/streetstyle/coquette ⋆

@al1cecore @andiaryy @aikoluvslu @autismisthebest @ballerinarina @bunnykisses333 @blonde4ngel @bigdolldoeeyesgirl @cinnamorwll @catsssl0vvver @deardiordiary @daughterofcainnnn @emilyjxx @floxv @girlysaintaugustine @hrts4emmaa @inherdiary @iblamezhanel @ivybeeoo @justagirlluckyme @laylaa66 @lapetitebabydoll @lizzygrantdoll @lizzygsuperstar69 @lovelyangelmermaid33 @lillacnavy @me0wluver @myhyperfixationisbooks @nxvaca1nefa1ry @sullenserenequeen @tearssofsilk @tommorrownevercame @yourdolletteprincess

no pressure!!

I am making a tag game!!

1. Ur dream room: classy, dark coquette/academia

2. Ur dream job: acting

3. Ur dream place to live: NYC

4. Ur dream outfit style: Coquette

Tagging : @notbatmeth @violetharmonscd @chill-bert @cherrybitezz @clemssigss @milf-semen-666 @sleepydotcom @queenofdisaster88 @adacayifedaisi @valleyofthedollettes @girlblogx @hoe4kai @lisboncy @get4waycarr @wiltedviolaceae @luxies-babydolls @luciloveslana @star-girl6 @stargirlsuicide @cinnagrrl @ciggiestash @irl-violetharmon @d1or3angel @enderman1967 @serialkilluh-1996 @mistybunny @mistysgardenn @fawnbqby @harmongirliezz @xogirlybl0gger @robinspinknest @taintsconverse @callmeurrbunny @newwavesylviaplath @newm00n @s33th1ngg @speedyhannah @dollyblcstar @the-love-witchh @thewomanwagon @angelfacedelrey @averagefairy @bambieyes7777 @heartz4tate + Any of my other moots who wanna join!!

[ballerinarina]

[ballerinarina]

[ballerinarina]

LOVE ON SUBWAYS AND TAGETES

FIVE HARGREEVES X Fem!OC

Synopsis: On Christmas, Five and Lila manage to return to their timeline after seven years of living together, lost. Izabela notices that something is strange, but it is only when Diego and Five engage in a discussion with confessions that she realizes that she has been betrayed. While everyone heads to the van to prevent the end of the world, Izabela asks for a few minutes alone with Five to settle things, dot the i's and cross the t's; Word Count: 3.2k Tags: spoilers, angst, cheating, fluff, slightly canon divergence (but Lila x Five/end of S4 still happened)

Note: It's been years since I tried to write something (and I never tried to do it in English before), but I hope it worked out! You can listen to the FANFIC PLAYLIST HERE and here you can read about my OC, but it's perfectly enjoyable to read it knowing nothing about her, or imagining youself in her place! I wrote thinking that they both look ± 20 years old. Please enjoy and tell me what you think! ♡

CLICK TO PORTUGUESE VERSION

Something was off, Izabela could tell as soon as her eyes fell on Five. The boy had never been the really outgoing, smiling or affectionate type, but at that moment he didn't even seem present in Diego's living room. His unstable and lost look, the worried wrinkle on his forehead and a tense and insincere return of affection when Izabela welcomed him into the kitchen with a hug put her on alert.

It had always been easy for her to read him, but a hint of confusion seemed to be beeping in her mind now. Keeping her distance and giving him space — at least until he could organize his own thoughts —Izabela was sitting on the arm of the sofa next to her husband, without touching him, just with her senses attentive and worried as she observed him like an enigma.

A tired sigh escapes her mouth as she foresees that Five's anxious restlessness combined with Luther's comments about the apocalypse could only result in nothing good. It was Christmas Day and, from the bottom of her heart, as unlikely as it was, Izabela was wishing that the end-of-the-world problems had magically resolved themselves — or at least been paused, as the previous moments of tranquility seemed to suggest. Not unexpectedly, they were not, so sure enough: as soon as she gets up and heads to the kitchen, mentally using the excuse of taking the Brazilian mayonnaise salad out of the fridge to get away from the depressing subject, she hears Five's stressed voice picking a fight with his brothers.

Escaping the realization of the apocalypse as an existence in her mind (for the fourth time) was her goal as she grabbed the tray and the dishes, trying to distract herself from Diego and Five's argument. With the kitchen right in the next room, the attempt was naive and failed: Izabela could feel the anxiety rising up her spine. She had never seen her husband so hopeless, but not even for a second found this behavior strange among the others. She herself couldn't take it anymore and, good heavens, she hated loud noises, hated missing Christmas, hated her brothers fighting — even though she wasn't much less temperamental than them —, hated not understanding what was happening to Five, and, most of all, hated the end of the world.

She opened and closed the drawers of that house that wasn't hers on impulse, more as an outlet than really interested in finding cutlery to serve the mayonnaise, when she felt her body freeze at the sound of Diego's voice cutting through the air.

“Is something going on between you two?”

Below her, the sought-after steel spoons and forks gleamed, reflecting her pale face and no longer showed interest in any meal.

“Diego…”

“Holy shit!”

In her ears, Five's silence pierces more than any of those sharp knives could. Refusal is the modus operandi that Izabela's mind immediately activates, only retaining strength amidst the shock to slightly shake her head in denial to herself. She thinks she must have misunderstood, sharpens her ears, holds back her despair. But no.

Five and Lila were having an affair.

To Izabela's anguish, Diego and his wife's voices were the last things she wanted to hear, but they were the ones talking, talking, talking amidst the suffocating silence that settled over the house like a funeral, squeezing her chest and leaving her breathless. Five and Lila were together.

Why? Was that why Five was acting strange? How had she not noticed before? When had she lost her husband? At what point had Five stopped being the person she trusted most in the world? In what world had she stopped being the person he trusted most? Why hadn’t he told her himself? Had she done something wrong?

“Yeah. You think I’m gonna buy that bullshit?”

Not even noticing when it began a state of near hyperventilation, Izabela's breathing only catches when Five's voice finally silences her thoughts:

“She’s telling the truth, all right? We got lost. We couldn’t find our way back.”

“We were searching for seven years, Diego…”

A gasp. No. No, no, no — it is horror what gradually fills every cell of Izabela's body, like blood spreading across a carpet.

Seven years. The pieces fit together almost in slow motion in her head, with her mouth half open, wanting to cry, but unable to emit even a single sob. It is towards the open door that her body turns without even needing an order, but it is her own steps that seem to weigh a thousand tons, and it is on the threshold that she stops once again. Leaning on the doorpost, without the courage to step outside and face her husband. Her husband, from whom she had lost seven whole years.

“We were chased, attacked, shot at…”

Each of Lila's words of explanation numbs her from afar as they settle into her diaphragm like stones. As if 45 years without Five hadn't been enough. As if the imminent end of times wasn't enough. It all sets up a scenario so desperate that it turns all sadness into apathetic disgust on her tongue.

Claire’s interruption comes like a ghost that straightens her posture and wipes away the moisture that escaped as it pooled in her eyes. Pursing the lips in bitterness, the information of Ben’s location is an almost physical reminder to Izabela that, whether she likes it or not, she will have to be part of the Umbrella Academy once again, so repressing all this futile conflict is her only option at the moment.

Swallowing the feelings, however, doesn't take away the agony in her heart and, with a shaky sigh trying to regain her composure, she fails to maintain the cool when her eyes meet the back of Five's figure as she enters the room. More than ever, Izabela wants to be practical, to go prevent the end of the world once and for all while stifling any thoughts about this terrifying situation playing with her head, but she knows she would never be able to win any fight like that. In a mirror of her unconscious distress, she exchanges glances with Klaus, the only one on the couch who noticed her in the corner of the room. "I just need a few minutes. Please." he doesn't need words to understand and, with a certain pity, he doesn't hesitate to stand up and encourage the rest of the family towards the van, distracting them with some Klaus-style comment that Izabela honestly can't process.

Feeling her presence as he had for so many years in his past, Five turns around, meeting Izabela's gaze, who mentally catalogues the worst nausea she has ever been condemned to feel when looking at her husband and wondering if she finds a stranger there. The eyes trying not to run over every detail of that face only now notice how much sadder and tired it seems compared to the last time she outlined his features. The silence traps them in a trance in which she finds herself unable to think of anything to say, until she hears the living room door slam, looking away at it and noticing that it was closed. The boy sighs and purses his lips; they were alone.

“I’m so sorry.”

“Is it true? Everything Lila said?” going back to stare at him, the words slip through her mouth, almost like an escape “Did I miss seven years of you?”

“All this time I tried to come back, Izabela…”

A quick shake of her head, Izabela crosses her arms in a tic. What he tries to justify, with such a cautious voice, had never been the question for her.

“I believe you.” pause “And… even if it’s not true, Five. It’s been seven years.”

“Yeah.”

That wasn't the tightness in her chest. She knows Five well, she knows her brother and husband well, and knows how he had spent decades trying to return to his family before. Even if, at any time in these seven years, he had hesitated, Izabela would never have the arrogance to judge his willpower in the face of emptiness. No, her cholera is another. Trying to keep her voice serious, she feels that what she wants is not to fight, that unlike her brother Diego, her anger is not against Five but against everything in essence. She finds herself unable to rid herself of a deep desire to slit her throat, she bites her lip.

“Do you love her?”

“Bela…”

“Please.”

After so many years of the tradition of emotional constipation that has branched out in the family with half-truths and poorly spoken subjects, when Five holds his wife's gaze, he already knows that she would not accept him doing the same thing that Lila did to Diego. Avoiding the subject is the easiest thing to do, but Izabela, so emotional, has also always been the most logical Hargreeves in dealing with emotion, so he knows very well that she, while staring at his green irises so dejected and hesitant, prays for an honest answer.

“I do. I love her a lot, Bela.”

It is no less painful to hear what she already imagined she would hear: the mind seems to be in standby mode, slowly assimilating what so quickly pierced her heart. Trying hard to accept the new reality rationally, the only disturbance on her face is her eyebrows furrowing for just a second, struggling to suppress the urge to cry that rises in her throat, her gaze scanning the wall in the background and then turning back down.

“So you don’t love me anymore?”

Five perceives more of a statement than a question. He opens his mouth to try to answer, but then closes it, his face saddened and his voice not found before himself. It is when she does not hear a response that the so-called new reality hits Izabela, surrounding her in fear, making her look at him with a neutral voice and expression contrasting with her trembling pupils.

“Five… you don’t love me anymore?”

“That’s not fair to you…”

“No… Look.” her voice is dually firm, but by a thread, shivering him “Don't lie, but don't let me die without having that answer.”

If before the tension between the two could be described as funereal, it becomes even more so. The prospect of an imminent death coming out of Izabela's mouth is so strange to Five's ears that it hurts as if he were the one who lost seven years of his wife. Even in the midst of all the daily hopelessness in her life, when finding herself facing the end of times Izabela used to at least pretend to have faith. The lack of such works as a disillusionment for him. Despite having lost his own a few years ago, he only embodies this in himself when he realizes that not even Izabela thinks it is worth believing that she will have another chance to say what was not said.

“I couldn't.” the answer simply comes out of him due to the disturbance of perception “I couldn't stop loving you, even if it were a centenary, Bella. I've never stopped thinking about you, not for a single minute of these seven years.” Five shakes his head, lowering it, scared to finally verbalize anything at all about the subject, especially to the person he was most afraid of doing. He barely feels room to hate how he stutters, lost like just a boy. How he hesitates. “But… when…. when my heart started loving Lila… I had so much fear of coming back to you, precisely because not even for a moment I stopped loving you too.” his cheeks begin to get wet with the tears that throughout his life he has always repressed, but that only ever escaped in the presence of the girl in front of him “Coming back to you meant concretize it, and that's not fair to you, you... you know I'd rather rip my heart out with my own hands than hurt you. But I couldn't help myself…”

His greenish eyes, now so moist, return to Izabela and are surprised to notice what Five identifies as tenderness amidst the restrained and painful crying that accompanied his. Not that his wife wasn't towards him the most tender human being he had ever had the fortune to live with, but precisely because he had failed her so much, he knew he deserved her anger. What he receives, however, is the anguish in his chest intensifying when Izabela approaches and puts her forehead to his, cupping Five's cheeks in her hands and sighing a lament:

“Please. Tell me you still wanna stay with me.”

Silence, he gasps in agony.

“I don’t mind, Five.” Izabela feels as if she is short of breath, so much she longs for confirmation of her request. Any attempted neutrality was lost when the words of the husband, who's always so strong, made it clear how exhausted he seemed in the face of his own feelings. Five had been her weak point for as long as she could remember, and, knowing every comma of what once shaped his pain, being able to see it now makes her desperate, above all and any problem. “I lost seven years of you, Five, I… I almost lost you forever… Please. Maybe the world will end today, but if it doesn’t… Stay with me.

It shouldn’t be Izabela the one asking for anything in this scenario. But if Five still loves her — and, God, she can see that he does —, she finds herself willing to fight the feeling of humiliation tingling in every part of her body. More than anyone, she knows how much the boy believes in his core that he doesn’t deserve any mercy or love as payment for his countless past sins. Izabela sees his affliction before her and, as she has done all her life, she could never give up on her husband like that. He gasps with his brows furrowed, trying to hold back his tears, when a sudden flash illuminates the girl’s mind, that finally sees the edge of the inevitable abyss in which she finds herself.

“Even if… even if you stay with her too… Just… don’t leave me…”

Such insensate words being uttered set up the exact moment when Five breaks, nodding his head in despair and wrapping Izabela's waist in a frightening fragility — which she herself would never have expected to witness in him on a day and in a mood like the one they were experiencing —, marking the beginning of a salty, bereft and hasty kiss, with neither having any idea on who did it.

The bodies of each spouse, once accustomed to kissing for hours on end, this time witnessed an emotional suffocation that soon left them short of breath. Five finds his reason trapped in Izabela's incongruity, who even facing a scenario like the apocalypse and the most logical devastation of what she should feel for him, still thinks and utters such an altruistic and utopian possibility. It is uncomfortable. Hiding his wet face in the girl's shoulder, he hugs her tightly and she immediately clings to him, wrapping her arms around his nape and trying to find in the fingers that intertwine in his locks any physical difference that would mark the years that have passed in him.

“I shouldn't do this to you.”

“No. No. Five.”

“Izabela, it's not fair” he tries to repeat it for the third time, but she interrupts him and repeats herself too:

“And I don’t mind. Damn, Five... You survived. You came back to me. And if loving her kept you alive... That’s… that’s okay with me.” If Izabela is honest with herself, she admits how every word she utters never fails to sound absurd to her. Jealous since she was a child, she deeply hates finding herself in this scenario and, yes, she wants to at least scream in rage. The truth, however, is still intrinsic to every sentence she is saying, no matter how strange it may sound to herself. Faced with this situation, greater than all the rage she feels is the memory of her husband alone for 45 years with the only trace of what he believed to be love coming from deliriums about a broken mannequin — this is what makes her sicker than any unusual situation of infidelity. The realization that Five saw himself once again in front of the horror that has endured his entire life fades any absurdity in the impulsive words she has been speaking, because it is replaced with the relief that at least this time he was not alone. He, in reflex, hugs her tighter, fearing this being a lie. It is with the man she loves most so fragile in her arms that she reaches the certainty that, if in order to survive in the midst of despondment, Five needed to find love — human, real —, her love for him can indeed overcome any other feeling she may feel in the face of it. Izabela pulls away from the hug, connecting her eyes with his and guiding her hand from his hair to his cheek, in a sweet caress accompanied by the melancholy of a weak smile. “When we save the world… Tell me about her. Tell me about you both.” in immediate reaction he frowns, a slight protest as if he assumes that this would only hurt her, but she continues “Five, I love your heart. And this… is part of it now… Let me know. We'll find a way.”

Five hesitates. Izabela is very good to him, always has been. He sees in the affectionate look she gives him the pain his wife is feeling, but he also sees how genuine she is in everything she says. The suffocating dilemma makes him want to die, hating to cause such displeasure to someone he loves so much, but it also makes him wonder if he has gone mad and is just trapped in a dream, so Kafkaesque was the dread he has felt of this moment for the last few years. He kisses her, briefly, leaning in with a sigh and praying in gratitude before joining their foreheads, nodding in agreement, agonized.

“Fuck, I missed you so much…”

“Good to have you back, Five.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Like the misfortune of flowers burning in a fire, Izabela, however, never gets to have Five lying with his head on her lap in a moment of affection, reciting about how much he loved her even from a distance. She also doesn't hear her husband's cautious voice telling her about the dangers that left his life hanging by a thread countless times during those years away, or about the unplanned feelings he experienced. She never had to get used to how their marriage would adapt when he sorted out his pending love with Lila, because such plans never came to fruition, just like the ones to sort out with his brother Diego.

The existence of this love, — of these loves — intertwined by the knots that constituted its universe, was eternally erased in two marigolds that, I like to believe, only survived the rebirth, the wind and the storm due to the hope and lull watered shortly before the end on the vestige of cherish that fought in the hearts of the two lovers.

Five and Izabela Hargreeves.

N/A: What do you think? I'd love to read your opinion!

[ballerinarina]

[ballerinarina]

𐙚Aidan Gallagher in The Umbrella Academy (2024)

[ballerinarina]

𐙚Okay, brellies, theory time!

I decided to rewatch TUA S1 and I noticed a detail that chilled me, and that somehow I missed the four times before.

In EP2, when Five gets lost, his first instinct is to call VIKTOR and BEN. Their NAMES.

Which means at this time the kids already had been named! I always thought Five was called Five because they were named after he went missing!!

That rented a triplex in my head and I could only think: So he has a name too? What is his name? Why doesn't he use his name?

And then I tried to search about it, because I was sure I was the only person that never noticed that, and you guys can't imagine my surprise when I discovered ANOTHER detail I missed.

MAX'S DELICATESSEN

MAX!

No way! I mean, it's a Five's cafe, created by five where all the Fives visit! Who else would be Max? Only him!

But that doesn't answer my questions:

Why doesn't he use his name? And why did he use it this time to name the cafe?

I really need answers, theories, opinions, anything, guys.

[EDIT] UPDATES:

The dear @bookbutterfly1999 showed me two old articles about it, one where Gerard Way talks and another with Aidan's interpretation about the matter! (Tysm!)

According to WAY Five not being numbered is integral to his character development. [...] “Maybe they [Luther and Diego] will learn the numbers don’t matter, as Five did, which is why I feel he embraced his number as a name instead of a rank, and rejected an actual name (which I hope we see one day!).”

&

GALLAGHER: “In Season 1, they referenced each other by name there, and Five was in that, but he’s never gotten a name. I suppose Grace was choosing names for the children, and there may have been one for Five, but it’s my understanding that he rejected it. That’s how I think about his relation to a name. A number always superseded him. It was almost a resentful, spiteful action, in the face of Hargreeves. I don’t really think he cares about such things as a number. Five has always been this brilliant, very cunning, and weird little mind, so a number suited him, in a way, and he grew accustomed to it. [...] He probably rejected the name because he thought it was petty, or something like that. [...]”

It's just so interesting to have the answer to why he rejected his name! Five is such a complex character.

Since Gerard insinuated that we could may see his given name someday, I think that the theory that it's Max is still super valid!

Which makes the question remain: what guided him to give this name to the delicassen? I would love to have this answer someday! Theories?

[LINKS TO THE ARTICLES]

[ballerinarina]

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