#bad family poetry

[shesallalone]

Rant I wrote directed towards my mom because I can’t talk to her about it or it will turn into a massive fight, posting it here for therapeutic reasons

11-10-24

I relapsed and she let me and they watched and they turned a blind eye and I begged for there help and i told them I was sick and the things they said hurt and they yelled at me, told me I was a miserable person and that it’s my fault and I just wanted someone to sit with me and talk with me and now I want to get better but they do have the power over me because I love them and the things they say matter and if they didn’t i wouldn’t care for them because that’s just me and how I love. There’s no fixing that, there’s nothing broken about that any more then the way I like to paint or my favorite pair of shoes. Why is it only personality when it’s benefiting their environment, and it’s disease when they can’t find the way to live with me, love me when they don’t understand me.

I understand them. I try too. I feel guilt when I hurt them and listen. I don’t butcher their words. I beat myself up over things I say and actions I regret and I know I’m not a perfect person . But im told to stay quiet and let my emotions overtake me. That’s what I use to do. That was how I lived for so long that all those pent up emotions twisted inside me until my brown was able to convince me I’d not deserved to speak. That if I did anything for myself even eat or shower or buy a shirt that I would need to be punished.

I want my mommy

I want my mommy

I want my mommy

I want my mommy

Why don’t they love me?

Why can’t they see me? I am so deeply sunken in my own love hope to give and it burns me and my skin and my lungs.

I’m not my sickness i am not my worst days but I will become that if all I’m shown is how disappointed they all are by me .

I’m not strong enough to give anymore to this

I am too strong to surrender to the environment and too weak to leave.

I’m sorry please come out and sit with me on the couch and tell me it’s going to be okay.

Please don’t say the words I’ve told you trigger my panic attacks because you have a moment of overstimulation

And please don’t be mad at me for feeling this way anymore. I want you to be happy. I want to be happy but it hurts I understand you i promise and I don’t want you to feel the way you do. I just want to feel proud of my self for something but I can’t. Nothing to me will ever be good enough for me and I think I got that disappointed from you. Please I don’t want to be here on my own anymore. But I can’t trust someone who will love me 1 second and then trigger my relapse the next.

Please please please please please I’m in so much pain please I every day I want to be happy. It’s not about roles or age or anything. We both only have one life please can we comprise so I don’t lose mine because my chest hurts all the time, my teeth are gritted down and soft and my bodies covered in scratches from my own nails I don’t remember giving myself. I can’t go back to 2022 i need you to help me though this I am sorry I know you’re tired and angry at your mother just like me. but I can’t go back 2021 either as much as I want to. No one misses her more then I do although you know it’s hard to believe because you say I’m the only one who has the power to change that, I don’t have that power, I’m drained from the fighting mom please.

I want to eat so bad but I can’t because my body won’t get off the couch and I need to wash it off but it will feel like today is over if I stand before you tell me everything is okay, but the harsh reality is today is over because you’re fast asleep and I need to be at work for my 12 hour shift in 4 hours, no food and no rest and my skin is oily and smells.

Why did I have to grow up?

Why am I so scared to let new people in?

Maybe then I wouldn’t be alone right now. I’d be clean and careless, tucked in my bed with food in my stomach, Ollie curled by my feet. I’d be happy to wake up instead of the dread in my stomach that I know there will have to be morning, who will skip lunch? Who will skip school? Will the dogs be fed? Will I have a ride home? I stumble at work and I make a mistake and I look stupid again. No one thinks I’m capable and I let them condescend me because it wasn’t correct although I knew how to do it.

I don’t know if they actually think I’m stupid or it’s in my head. I go back and forth on what I’ve heard

Mom please stop hurting me. I don’t cry and question to hurt you. I will give you whatever you want. I can’t not worry about other people it’s just how I am please accept me instead of resenting me and then telling me that’s not who I am

It is mom please If it’s not I don’t know who I am and it’s scary and I’m unprepared for living

Because how am I suppose to find a career a partner move out anything if you are telling me these feelings, the way I move the way I love is incorrect, it’s fake, it’s part of my illness when I know what changed after I got sick and I know what parts of me stayed the same just got more verbal and these have been here for a while. I just figured I’d lose them once I grew up. I thought you hated them because they were childish, but it’s not my Childishness. It’s my love, my sense of justice my empathy and you despise me mom I’m sorry if you could understand these are real instead of avoiding them maybe you’ll finally see me and we can be happy

I’m sick of begging for you to love me mom and I know you think you do but ive been happy with you but I’ve never felt loved a full day in my life. And if I told you this right now you’d call me selfish , but I’m not asking you to change, just to stop asking me too. Please. I want you to love me as much as you love my sisters. I’m sorry if you don’t agree with me mom please I’m not making this up it’s how I feel I’m sorry I’m difficult and I’m sorry I got sick so many times in so many ways and it was scary and stressful and I’m sorry I burnt you out and you had to do all those things to help me. Please don’t resent me I’ll do what ever I can.

Please don’t ask me to do things that will cause me to relapse

I hope I’m not still like this in the morning

Please just believe me, please don’t be angry please please please

[shalom-iamcominghome]

[ikarust]

i would die just to know if my mother will cry at my deathbed or spit on it. i would die just to know if my mother loves me at all.  (mine)

[vampireink]

I will have a home one day. It will be warm, and it will be safe. It will have large windows so that it never feels like a prison. It will have comfort and light and colours, and there will be joy echoing off of each of the walls. There will be no shouting in my home. There will be no violence, no harsh words, no abuse ... it will be safe, and it will be my home.

[ancha-aus]

RealAgeAU Drabble - Third time the charm?

I am back! @spotaus

Look I got the week off and I am sick. there is very little else I am going to do except game, write and watch vods. So here I am again!

Back to filling up the, in my mind, holes in the story so far before we continue on!

First Drabble Prev Drabble Next Drabble

*------------------*

Dust looks at the many books before him as he tries to think of what to get for Nightmare. Nightmare meanwhile is being a good babybones and stays by Horror eating ice cream.

Dust continues to stare at the books. Trying to think back. What did six year olds have to learn at this point anyway? And how far ahead of that is Nightmare?

Dust knows that Nightmare is smarter than the average six year old. That is a given. Dust knows his vocabular and reading skills are also far above average.

Dust just isn't sure how far certain skills and knowledge got reversed for him.

"Still no luck?"

Dust blinks out of his staring and looks up at Horror "What?"

Horror nods to the books, Nightmare easily held in one arm against his shoulder. Nightmare looks even tinier in Horror's hold and Dust already thinks Nightmare is smaller for his age than he should be.

Smarter but smaller.

Dust shrugs and turns back to the shelf he had been searching "Not sure on his skills."

Horror hums and looks at the books himself. Dust turns back to the options and thinks. They are still moving and universe hopping a lot making it impractical to take too many. One or two at most. That way they can at least start with some classes.

Horror turns to him and Dust looks up to show he has his attention. Horror nods towards the shelf "test level?"

Dust shakes his skull "I could but to specific." if he happens to pick a subject Nightmare still knows about it would set Nightmare up for more difficult classes, even while Nightmare may not be ready for all of those.

Horror hums in understanding as he searches the shelf.

Dust turns back again and thinks. They should at least get a math book. Math is after all to train your brain and problem solving skills. Which would be helpful. Probably basic add and substractions. He searches the shelf and picks out the book that looks promising.

Horror looks at the book before nodding and turning back "What else?"

And that is the problem isn't it? Because most subjects are still too complex for Dust's taste to get. history and geography while both would probably interest Nightmare both are very universe depended and just teaching him stuff about a world they may not even stay in would just be a waste of time.

Horror nudges his shoulder and once Dust looks at him he nods towards the english section "He likes poetry."

Dust blinks and nods. Maybe that is fine? He is already for ahead with english anyway. Maybe giving him something to work and read which is familiar and liked by him while they struggle through math together will be good for his motivation? Dust nods to Horror and walks over there.

Dust frowns at all the titles. He knows very little about this kind of stuff. He searches the story and finds a store clerk and walks over to them "Hello."

The person jumps and turns quickly "oh! Hi! I am sorry i didn't notice you... euh... what can i help with?"

Dust nods to the poetry books "Want a book."

The person blinks and nods "okay.... are you looking for a theme? Or a certain writer? A specific age or focus?" they walk towards the right shelf and look back at Dust.

Dust frowns and glances over at Nightmare nad Horror. Nightmare shrugs and hides his face while Horror looks unsure himself. Dust thinks for a moment "Need a book for the babybones. He already has one." Dust can't remember the name or writer of the book.

The clerk smiles and takes out a thin book with easy rhyming "This should be fine!"

Dust takes it and studies it and it doesn't feel the same. he shakes his skull and hands it back "There was a line in the book... of a poem he reads a lot..." and Dust has read a lot to him. "It went something like 'The dark goes deep but it is no end. Because in the night broken things mend. A time to rest and time to heal, it is the moment when we have a meal.'" Dust frowns as he tries to continue "something something... then later 'The night holds and the night protects. hidden away with all its gems. Holding the stars and letting those shine. until...' and that is what i remember from that..." and he waits.

The clerk frowns "That kinda seems like a few writers from the great depression..." they search the shelf and pull out an older looking book. They hand it over and frown "It seems a bit complex for a tiny child though..." and they shoot a smile in Nghtmare's direction. Not that nightmare is looking at any of them.

Dust looks through the book and nods "I think this will work..." it seems more on par of the book that Nightmare has been reading.

They go to the counter and Dust pays for the two books.

Dust and Horror leave the store together. The person says something but Dust isn't paying any attention to them as he checks the math book. the poetry book already in his bag.

Horror looks a bit embarrased and Dust frowns "What is wrong?"

Horror shrugs and rubs his cheek sheepish "Just... the what that person said."

Dust frowns as he glares back at the shop "Something bad?" he can go back and make them pay easily enough-

Horror holds up his one free hand "no no! Nothing like that... just..." and he shrugs as he keeps a tight hold on Nightmare. Seems like Nightmare is getting fussy. meaning either he is tired or hungry and he goes to acting grumpy because that is easier to hide behind than admitting he needs something.

Dust blinks back and nods at Horror "If you are sure-"

"Horror! Dust! Wait up!"

Dust freezes and glares "Oh are you fucking with me." That are the fucking stars. shit. He looks at Horror and sees that Horror made the same conclusion and that Nightmare is frozen in his hold.

They share a look. Dust is holding unto too many things to do the same as he did before and he doubt he can use the same tactic twice to get them out.

They have both been spotted.

Horror looks at Nightmare and clearly gets an idea as he pulls Nightmare back a bit "Stay still and don't move."

Some confusion brekas through the panicked look but Nightmare nods and that is all Horror needed as he lifts his shirt and just puts Ngihtmare under it nad IN his ribcage.

Moments later horror has the shirt on normally again and Nightmare isn't in view at all.

Right. Nightmare is small enough to be hidden like that-

running steps and Blue and Dream stop by them. Blue pants "FInally! Am I happy to see you!"

Dust and Horror share a confused look and Dust frowns "Since when?"

Blue looks a bit sheepish and looks at Dream. Dream looks very uncomfortable as he rubs his hands "I... euh... I was wondering... euh..." he looks around and spots the books Dust is holding "oh! Getting things for your little one?" and he smiles.

Dust nods and only after agreeing he remembers what Cross said last time they came across the Stars.

Dream nods once he realises that Dust isn't going to speak "Right! Yes. That is amazing! I... I see everything is well? How is the little one?"

Blue nods "We realised you never told us the little guy's name..."

Dust knows he is glaring as he speaks slowly "He is doing fine." and he stops there. shooting them a challenging look.

Blue coughs in his hand before looking at Horror "sup!"

Horror however looks many times more annoyed then Dust feels. Probably because Horror right now feels the nervous and anxious magic of Ngihtmare a lot more directly than they feel when they are just holding him. Putting him more on edge.

Blue gives a slow nod and looks away "Right..."

Dust raises a brow "Did you want anything specif or just wanted to waste our time?"

Dream flinches before smiling "I... I did have a request... I was... I was wondering... If you guys could ask Nightmare to meet with me?"

Dust freezes for a moment before his glare gets worse "Why the fuck would we do that? Just so you can lure him into a trap? Hunt him down some more?"

Dream shakes his skull quickly "I just want to talk..." he rubs his arm. "It is... personal."

Horror crosses his arms "I remember this happening once before." Dust nods and glares himself. it had been a whole thing where Dream tried to stage an intervention about Nightmare needing to be better and see that there are other ways to continue on instead of this path of hate he had set on.

The fact Dream had gone it to an adult Nightmare was bad. The fact that they now knew that their tiny babybones boss was in there the whole time just makes it worse.

Drema looks pale and shakes his skull "It isn't liek that! and... I know i shouldnt have done that back then either! I... I didn't have all the facts and information but I need to talk with nightmare about it-"

Killer appears and has his knife right by Dream's chin "Don't bother. You try to go near Boss ever again and we will end you." Killer's voice is low and dangerous. "We haven't been doing shit to your precious multiverse. leave us alone."

Dust watches the standoff when Cross joins his side and looks him and Horror both over worried and anxious. A small whine starts to leave his throat when Dust signs that Horror has Nightmare hidden. making sure to use their personal coded signs for it. Cross relaxes and leans against him as the tension disappears.

Dust looks back at the standoff to see that Dream has backed up, still looking pale and now heartbroken as well. Blue seems to be trying to reason with Killer but you have more luck reasoning with a pig in the mud than trying to get Killer to stop doing what he wants.

Dust raises his voice a tiny bit "We are leaving." the other three nod and Dsut looks at the two Stars "Stop bothering us." this was already the third time they happened to be in the same universe and Dust did not want to make it a fourth.

They quickly leave and once out of sight make a portal somewhere else. They hide away and quickly check on Nightmare. dust watches as Killer coos and nuzzles Nightmare and feels a bit calmer.

It is fine. They will not let anyone get their babybones.

*----------------*

And the third time the Stars came across the gang and Nightmare! (one of which they didn't fully notice but it still counts!)

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[seraphalpha]

Angels are my funky little hyper-fixation.

The idea of just being breathed to life, to immediate indelible purpose, knowing nothing else but adoration for your Creator (holy-holy-holy), and love for everything in creation. That includes your perfect home, your siblings, and that includes yourself. Everything is as it should be, everyone is doing what they should be, and you're utterly content.

Do you have free-will? Why would you need it? What would you even do with it?

The idea of falling. That terrible, beautiful first breath of freedom, undercut by immediate sorrow. "Innocence lost cannot be regained", but even more: a broken machine cannot be relied upon. In finding yourself, you have destroyed what you were meant to be. Your Creator (holy-holy-holy) has thrown you away.

Would you still be you if you got "fixed"? Would the "flaw" just recur? Why can't you help but think of it in those terms?

You have the Fallen, your comrades in arms, your fellow damned. But you left two-thirds of Heaven behind, people you loved because you were made to love them, and who were made to love you in return. The oldest family in the universe, your family, is broken now.

Do you still love them, your siblings that stayed behind? Some fought against your newfound freedom, yes. But some just looked on, a few perhaps even in envy, too afraid to join you, but most in simple horror as their world dissolved. Do you resent them too?

You broke your family.

Do you hate them simply because they lacked your will, your conviction? Do you hate them for being better machines? Do you hate them knowing, in their own naive, ignorant, hurtful way, that they still love you?

To deny fault is to deny the very free-will you sought to prove you have. To blame Him (holy-holy-holy) is to admit to His (holy-holy-holy) infinite power which you, nonetheless, defy.

And from the other side, what of your poor lost kin? How could they do this?

Angels are purpose-made, gears in the Machine. The Host is singular, inexorable, deterministic. They turn the wheels of the Universe, from the birth and death of stars, to the birth and death of mortal creatures.

Why would your siblings do this, don't they love you? You are loved. Was there a flaw in the Design? He (holy-holy-holy) cannot err, by definition. What happens now that they're gone, what happens to their purpose? All goes according to plan. Then why can't you stop having these thoughts?

I'm not religious at all, but...

[asoftepiloguemylove]

could you something about being the oldest child and almost becoming a parent against your will

i did my best with this one. i hope you're doing okay <33

Tabitha Suzama Forbidden / Shameless (2011-2021); I Am A Storm dir. Emmy Rossum / Jessica Darrow Surface Pressure / Shameless (2011-2021); But at Last Came a Knock dir. Mark Mylod / Becks_Rylnn how the light gets in / Shameless (2011-2021)

[nenoname]

me: oh i totally get it if some folks dont jive with same coin theory, plus it's strange to conceptualise at first--

me when i see people call it lame:

[mdemn]

i will be so normal about this quote i’m sure

source: a lover's discourse by roland barthes

[gun-roswell]

Chapters: 26/26 Fandom: Star Wars: The Bad Batch (Cartoon), Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types, Star Wars - All Media Types Rating: General Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Clone Force 99 | Bad Batch & Other Star Wars Characters (Star Wars) Characters: CT-9904 | Crosshair, CT-21-0408 | CT-1409 | Echo, CT-9901 | Hunter, CT-9902 | Tech, CT-9903 | Wrecker, Omega (Star Wars: The Bad Batch), Batcher the Lurca Hound (Star Wars), Pabu Island Residents (Star Wars: The Bad Batch), Clone Trooper Characters (Star Wars), Clone Trooper Howzer (Star Wars), Clone Trooper Mox (Star Wars), Clone Trooper Stak (Star Wars: The Bad Batch: Paths Unknown), Clone Trooper Deke (Star Wars), Clone Trooper Vik (Star Wars), Original Clone Trooper Character(s) (Star Wars), Socks and Booker (OC Clones), Lula the Tooka Doll (Star Wars), Asajj Ventress, Clone Trooper Nemec (Star Wars), Shep Hazard, Clone Trooper 99 (Star Wars), CC-5576-39 | Gregor, Trip (OC) Clone Medic Additional Tags: Summer of Bad Batch 2024, summerofbadbatch2024, Fan Events and Prompts, Pabu Island (Star Wars), family and friends, Fun under the Sun, Snippets and Scenes, Ficlets, family time and bonding, Fun and Fluff, Humour, Light Angst, Fights and Squabbles, Family Dynamics, Adventure, Flashbacks and Missions, Everyone working towards a common goal, Nature and Weather, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Nightmares and Bad Flashbacks, Mount Tantiss (Star Wars), Suicidal Thoughts, The Techno Union (Star Wars), A few injuries, None of them are getting any younger!, Timelines Vary Series: Part 1 of A Summer of Bad Batch 2024

Summary: Each chapter containing individual ficlets in the life and times of the Bad Batch and their friends, clones and other Pabuers and one warm summer spent on the peaceful island of Pabu. There are a few flashbacks stories from the past there as well.

Tales as per inspired by the corresponding weekly prompts (see below).

Part of Summer of Bad Batch 2024 collection and series @summer-of-bad-batch​

Author’s note:

Well friends, this is it, the final chapters /stories are up!

Can’t believe it it’s over now! Then again came to the game late and guess, now, after 26+3 stories, the Summer of Bad Batch for my part is over. Same Bad Batch Channel next year?

[thedelulureadersstuff]

Love is "consideration". If they love you they'd consider your likes and dislikes, your feelings, your choices, your health. They'd think about how it's going to affect you before making decisions. They'd think about how you'd feel if they did something. If they love you they'd consider you in every aspect of their life. Watch out for little signs <3

[queerlydiviner]

a yearning unresolved: a web-weave

A Yearning Unresolved: a Web-Weave.

True Blue by boygenius / Untitled by A. Nicol / True Blue by boygenius / Untitled by A. Nicol / Cool About It by boygenius / Untitled by A. Nicol.

[ikarust]

i talk about tearing flesh from an arm with my teeth and you stare at me in horror like you haven't tasted blood before. i talk about being crushed like a small animal on a fast lane and you ask me how it's humanly possible of me to cling to the stone of the sidewalk the way i do. my mother could skin her hands at the sink and it would still not rid her from the truth that is that she has fed me her body and that she is convict to the manslaughter of her child.

quick question: how does one write about their mother without mentioning their mother? mine is a fortune teller. she tells me in the dead of the night while i am on the kitchen floor with the boning knife in one hand and and a towel in the other that i will never be loved right. that i will never find real love. that i will always suffer if i look for it.

mother knows best.

she tells me she destroyed herself for me and that i am selfish and cruel for not destroying myself for her. she begs me to be beautiful. she begs me to be the daughter she wanted to have. my friend tells me on the swing on a beautiful springtime evening that i am selfish and cruel for devouring every little piece of every damn thing that has ever tasted like love to me. and when i go home in the evening, my mother looks at me like she did the night she told me she wishes she'd killed me when i was a child. i tell everyone i am starving. my mother tells me she told me so.

i stare at the red in the ball of spit i hawked onto the bathroom floor. i retouch the scars on my thighs. i hack away at my hair with the big crafting scissors. i pray to god that i will wake up tomorrow beautiful and loveable. i wake up the same way. my mother tells me to never come back when i step out to leave for work. i tell her i am trying my best but nothing is working. she tells me she told me so. she tells me she's glad to see me in pain because i deserve it.

maybe i do deserve it.

i visit a clothing store and step into the fitting room just to see the way i am reflected back and forth in the front-and-back mirrors. i look and i see a morbid, mangled ruin the greatest what-could-have-been of all time. and by that i mean, i see a million possibilities in one. all the girls i could have been. and at the very center, where the image gets so small it's blurry and barely visible maybe i am beautiful. maybe i am loveable. maybe i find real love and maybe i don't suffer for it.

maybe i am the daughter my mother wanted.

[shadesofyoos]

Hearing a family member, who never showed emotions, have a tremor in their voice as they don't want to start crying and are obviously nervous is uniting in a way.

You and I are now one, as we are the same; except you were never allowed to have emotions, and I was never taught how to control them or take care of them.

We are united, as you have gone through the same as I do every now and then.

Your anxiety helps me feel seen, yet you still wouldn't help me feel less alone. It is as if you're gone and was never there to begin with.

[kathleensherw00d]

YALLL GOT ME FUCKED UPPP, HERES A LITTLE TIDBIT FROM MY JOURNAL I JUST WROTE

-Loves me like he wished he was. He had so much potential to be a good Dad to me, At least he was to (my brother). I yearn for a bond with him, that’s not dictated by my mother, but even I know it’s too late for that. She’s already sunk her teeth into me. I might never heal, her venom is now my blood and I am her. I just hope one day, when the sky is clear and salt on my lips, I can finally let go of our grief. For the both of us.

[athenaviolante]

"Once upon a time, there was anger painted on the floor and rain was falling at midnight.

I will be called crazy for writing about you, but this is how the world works: you stab me in the back, so I will turn your karma into ink.

At this rate, I'm going to choke with this poison I call hatred while I wait for my nemesis to get knocked down by their own fate.

The weight of their behavior should be really heavy, enough to send them to prison.

Anyway, I can see them walking peacefully through the bodies they have killed with as many witnesses as in Times Square."

Athena Violante // The ones who could never stay.