shesallalone

[shesallalone]

[shesallalone]

Rant I wrote directed towards my mom because I can’t talk to her about it or it will turn into a massive fight, posting it here for therapeutic reasons

11-10-24

I relapsed and she let me and they watched and they turned a blind eye and I begged for there help and i told them I was sick and the things they said hurt and they yelled at me, told me I was a miserable person and that it’s my fault and I just wanted someone to sit with me and talk with me and now I want to get better but they do have the power over me because I love them and the things they say matter and if they didn’t i wouldn’t care for them because that’s just me and how I love. There’s no fixing that, there’s nothing broken about that any more then the way I like to paint or my favorite pair of shoes. Why is it only personality when it’s benefiting their environment, and it’s disease when they can’t find the way to live with me, love me when they don’t understand me.

I understand them. I try too. I feel guilt when I hurt them and listen. I don’t butcher their words. I beat myself up over things I say and actions I regret and I know I’m not a perfect person . But im told to stay quiet and let my emotions overtake me. That’s what I use to do. That was how I lived for so long that all those pent up emotions twisted inside me until my brown was able to convince me I’d not deserved to speak. That if I did anything for myself even eat or shower or buy a shirt that I would need to be punished.

I want my mommy

I want my mommy

I want my mommy

I want my mommy

Why don’t they love me?

Why can’t they see me? I am so deeply sunken in my own love hope to give and it burns me and my skin and my lungs.

I’m not my sickness i am not my worst days but I will become that if all I’m shown is how disappointed they all are by me .

I’m not strong enough to give anymore to this

I am too strong to surrender to the environment and too weak to leave.

I’m sorry please come out and sit with me on the couch and tell me it’s going to be okay.

Please don’t say the words I’ve told you trigger my panic attacks because you have a moment of overstimulation

And please don’t be mad at me for feeling this way anymore. I want you to be happy. I want to be happy but it hurts I understand you i promise and I don’t want you to feel the way you do. I just want to feel proud of my self for something but I can’t. Nothing to me will ever be good enough for me and I think I got that disappointed from you. Please I don’t want to be here on my own anymore. But I can’t trust someone who will love me 1 second and then trigger my relapse the next.

Please please please please please I’m in so much pain please I every day I want to be happy. It’s not about roles or age or anything. We both only have one life please can we comprise so I don’t lose mine because my chest hurts all the time, my teeth are gritted down and soft and my bodies covered in scratches from my own nails I don’t remember giving myself. I can’t go back to 2022 i need you to help me though this I am sorry I know you’re tired and angry at your mother just like me. but I can’t go back 2021 either as much as I want to. No one misses her more then I do although you know it’s hard to believe because you say I’m the only one who has the power to change that, I don’t have that power, I’m drained from the fighting mom please.

I want to eat so bad but I can’t because my body won’t get off the couch and I need to wash it off but it will feel like today is over if I stand before you tell me everything is okay, but the harsh reality is today is over because you’re fast asleep and I need to be at work for my 12 hour shift in 4 hours, no food and no rest and my skin is oily and smells.

Why did I have to grow up?

Why am I so scared to let new people in?

Maybe then I wouldn’t be alone right now. I’d be clean and careless, tucked in my bed with food in my stomach, Ollie curled by my feet. I’d be happy to wake up instead of the dread in my stomach that I know there will have to be morning, who will skip lunch? Who will skip school? Will the dogs be fed? Will I have a ride home? I stumble at work and I make a mistake and I look stupid again. No one thinks I’m capable and I let them condescend me because it wasn’t correct although I knew how to do it.

I don’t know if they actually think I’m stupid or it’s in my head. I go back and forth on what I’ve heard

Mom please stop hurting me. I don’t cry and question to hurt you. I will give you whatever you want. I can’t not worry about other people it’s just how I am please accept me instead of resenting me and then telling me that’s not who I am

It is mom please If it’s not I don’t know who I am and it’s scary and I’m unprepared for living

Because how am I suppose to find a career a partner move out anything if you are telling me these feelings, the way I move the way I love is incorrect, it’s fake, it’s part of my illness when I know what changed after I got sick and I know what parts of me stayed the same just got more verbal and these have been here for a while. I just figured I’d lose them once I grew up. I thought you hated them because they were childish, but it’s not my Childishness. It’s my love, my sense of justice my empathy and you despise me mom I’m sorry if you could understand these are real instead of avoiding them maybe you’ll finally see me and we can be happy

I’m sick of begging for you to love me mom and I know you think you do but ive been happy with you but I’ve never felt loved a full day in my life. And if I told you this right now you’d call me selfish , but I’m not asking you to change, just to stop asking me too. Please. I want you to love me as much as you love my sisters. I’m sorry if you don’t agree with me mom please I’m not making this up it’s how I feel I’m sorry I’m difficult and I’m sorry I got sick so many times in so many ways and it was scary and stressful and I’m sorry I burnt you out and you had to do all those things to help me. Please don’t resent me I’ll do what ever I can.

Please don’t ask me to do things that will cause me to relapse

I hope I’m not still like this in the morning

Please just believe me, please don’t be angry please please please

[shesallalone]

[shesallalone]

[shesallalone]

[shesallalone]

[shesallalone]

EVERYONE gets candy if they made the effort to show up. Everyone.

[shesallalone]

[shesallalone]

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Hey to anyone that needs to hear this: you are not lazy. You are doing as much as you can. Don't force yourself to do so much it breaks you. Take your time. Your health is more important than the opinions of others.

[shesallalone]

a moon in my mom's orbit - judas h.

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[shesallalone]

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