#back from my unintentional 3 month hiatus

[midnight-mourning]

*Taps mic* Heard y'all like Moon around here, you're in luck, this one's for you

massive, MASSIVE thank you to @lunarmoves for beta-reading this chapter!!

She put a lot of time and effort into making my BS readable for y'all and it's greatly appreciated <3 <3 <3

Shay also makes really good dca stuff (also sebastian solace but I know very little about the fish tbh) and you should check her out!

Also, happy 200k+!!! We're only 297k from truly becoming the 500k enemies to lovers slowburn of our dreams lmaoooo

But for real I apologize for such a delay with this one. If you'd like to hear my excuses/reasoning they're below the cut, or you can just go read the chapter whatever suits ya ^-^

Tag list (if you would like added please see this post for more info):

@scarletcowboy @beemyhuneybee @fishm0ther @deviouscrackers @elsajoyagent8

@luckyyyduckyyy @zenkaiankoku @jogimote @local-shrub @amarynthian-chronicles

@robinette-green @everlightreader @sinister-sincerely @starredeclipse @dangerva

CW: medical stuff & additionally a bit of unreality mentions

Okay going to try and keep this simple bc I've said parts of it before

So as most of you know, I've been sick for 3 months now

I've now been on two rounds of steroids, and currently on my third round of antibiotics, which are basically keep me fucntional, not improving

besides general discomfort and pain, my memory has been pretty shot at times, I will go through the day and barely remember what I did/what I'm doing/what I need to do

as someone who had brain fog caused by covid a few years ago, this was genuinely a scary experience because ultimately, this has been worse

i've felt out of control of my body, having times where I'm mid thought and then instantly lose it

this is not my normal, I usually pride myself on my memory, so losing it has been incredibly devastating and scary

this was not helped by the fact that the quick care I went to (THREE TIMES for this) basically kind of sort of tried to gaslight me into believing nothing could be done and that it's not an infection

so not only has this entire thing has gotten dragged out so much more, which makes me sad tbh, but I've also felt like I've been going crazy bc it felt like no one was believing me when i said I was sick and not getting any better (including friends, family, coworkers etc, though unintentional on their parts to be fair)

I feel like I've lost three months of my life and coming to terms with that has been, yeah

on top of all that, I'm still in school AND doing grad stuff, and while the school side of things has been okay (thank god), grad's had it's moments, won't get into it but have had multiple issues with my advisor that have been at times just really tough to deal with

Confused spirit got pushed to the back burner, because i quite literally at times could not think, and when it comes to this fic, where there's multiple ongoing plot threads, characterizations, lore, and so on to keep track of, it was just, impossible to me to even consider writing for it

having shorter stuff like promptober, the oneshots and such was great to keep me writing, and also still interact with everyone in the community, plus i had a lot of fun with them so that helped too

this is all to say that I do sincerly apologize for the delay, and at the very least I should've clearly communicated about there being a hiatus, when this all started I thought i'd be down for two weeks max, then as that time kept increasing I just kept putting it off and putting it off because i thought i was going to get better, and then I didn't

I do this for fun and for nothing else, fic writing isn't content (it's engaging with fandom) and i have to remind myself of that sometimes but given that I've been around in some capacity on and off I feel I should've said something in some regard

Having said all that, I'm doing okay now! Still sick, but as long as I'm on meds I'm functional, stuff is getting managable with grad, and hopefully have some fun things coming up irl! Point is, the last three months haven't been the best, but they've been alright, due in part to all the support you all have given me, so thank you for that, can't say it enough :)

Okay, I think that just about covers it, thank you for taking the time to read all of this if you did <3

[connectingconstellations]

If your own windows are glass, ch. 18

“I just want it noted, for the record, that this was your idea," he said, sounding resigned.

and of course ao3 was down all afternoon while I tried to post this lol

[antiquarianfics]

Taken pt. 10

If Bucky Barnes could time travel, he would go back to that morning. He would hold you a little tighter in his arms, and he would kiss you a little deeper. He would pull your daughter in between the two of you, letting her giggle as loudly as she wants whilst her parents kiss her cheeks and tickle her belly. If Bucky Barnes could time travel, he would have told you not to go to the park—to go anywhere else. But Bucky Barnes can’t time travel, and his wife and daughter are gone.

a/n: sorry for the hiatus. here’s this. it’s not proofed. yay!

warnings: swearing, blackmail, mention of murder, themes of conspiracy, canon typical violence.

note: I do not own the character Bucky Barnes or any other Marvel affiliated characters. Any and all characters are a work of fiction and any likeness to real persons is wholly unintentional.

You do not have permission to copy, translate, or repost my work; however, feel free to like, comment, and reblog.

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previous part | series masterlist | next part

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“Well, my targets are gone,” you sigh, glancing down the hallway you had seen Steve run. You click your tongue and return your focus to Bucky, shaking your head slightly.

“Sorry, honey,” you say, knocking him out.

—

Bucky comes to with a groan, sitting up from his position on the floor, a hand holding his head. He blinks a couple of times, scanning the room for any sign of you. You’re nowhere to be found. Shaking his head, he pulls himself off the ground, and starts heading to the meetup spot he and Steve had agreed on months ago in case Becca had to be taken somewhere safe.

As Bucky travels, he replays the conversation he’d had with you. Why the hell would you bring up a Greek myth? He struggles to make any sense of it, but then his brain picks out a particular part of your story:

“Orpheus didn’t get a second chance to save Eurydice. Zeus killed Orpheus because he was afraid Orpheus would tell the humans all the secrets of the Underworld. Some versions say that the Muses kept his head, though, to sing songs forever. They managed to hear his voice even after he died.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Don’t turn around, James.”

Your warning—“Don’t turn around, James”— was certainly a code. After all, if you had struck a deal with Frost, and if you were working with HYDRA, then you were probably being watched, listened to. You couldn’t speak freely. But why Orpheus and Eurydice? Why that story?

“Don’t turn around, James.”

Orpheus turned around… Why is that important?

“Don’t turn around, James.”

“This has to be a metaphor for us,” Bucky thinks. “Does she mean I’m Orpheus, then? Eurydice was trapped in the Underworld… Y/N is trapped by HYDRA… Does she mean to stop looking for her? Or does she mean to trust she has a plan? That she knows what she’s doing?”

Zeus killed Orpheus because he was afraid he would tell all the secrets of the Underworld.

Then, it clicked. Bucky isn’t sure exactly what it is that changed how he interpreted your story, but, suddenly, everything made sense:

1. Chance one to save Y/N: Russia. I didn’t save her. I only saved Becca. She is saying I don’t get another chance to try for her.

2. Y/N is picking off people Frost is afraid will come between him and HYDRA. Right now, I’m not apart of that list. Proof: She let me go. If I attempt a second rescue, she will have no choice; they will tell her to take me out. Besides that, they will certainly threaten Becca, and we agreed when she was born that Becca always comes first.

3. The muses kept his head? They won’t kill me. She doesn’t want me to come after her because they will just capture me. She won’t give me up, but she’s more likely to slip up if it comes to me. A slip up is more likely to lead to… They’ll wipe me. She doesn’t want me to come after her because they’ll wipe me if they capture me.

Bucky sighs as he arrives at the rendezvous he and Steve had agreed on. He feels a little better now that he understands more of what you were saying, but he still feels like there is a piece of the puzzle missing.

—

The team goes into hiding. You had revealed a lot about the dangers of HYRDA’s plans, but they still know so little. The team knew you had targets—important targets—that you were being forced to eliminate. They discerned the targets were people HYDRA feel are threats against their mission, but they still don’t have a definite list.

“We’re sitting ducks!” Tony shouts angrily into the room.

“Stark,” Fury says gravely, “watch it.”

“I’m sorry, but we are. We have no new intel. HYDRA is AWOL. The world is looking at us to do something, and we’ve got nothing.”

“Buck,” Steve says, “did Y/N say anything else that might give us a clue as to who she’s after?”

Bucky sighs, thinking back over the whole interaction from the moment you got there to the moment you knocked him out. It was as he replayed your conversation on the roof that it clicked: the missing puzzle piece. Bucky meets Steve’s eyes.

“She told me who she’s after.”

“Well?” Tony questions impatiently. “Who?”

“When I met her on the roof,” Bucky says, “Y/N told me she was marking 3 names off her list. That means her next three targets were in the Compound.”

“FRIDAY,” Tony says, “get me a list of every person who was in the Compound at the time of the break in.” FRIDAY responds in the affirmative.

“Then,” Bucky continues, “she asked me…” Bucky trails off as he tries to remember how exactly you worded the question. “She asked me: ‘You’re not all that close to Captain America, are you?’

“I thought it was weird how she worded that. I’ve known Steve longer than anyone, and it was weird she called him ‘Captain America.’ But that was her clue. HYDRA has no problem with Steve Rogers—”

“But Captain America has been ruining their plans since the ‘40s,” Steve says, arms crossed as he puts together what Bucky is saying. Bucky nods.

“So the other two targets have to have been in the Compound at the time of the attack, and they have to be people that have significantly messed with HYDRA somehow,” Sam thinks aloud.

Bucky thought. Who else could HYDRA consider a threat to their cause? Who else has been foiling HYDRA’s plans time after time? Bucky scanned the room, eyes carefully considering each person. It could be any of the Avengers, he thought, but then you would likely have more than 3 targets. His eyes settle on Fury. Bingo.

“Fury’s a target.”

All eyes are on Bucky.

“How you figure?” Someone asks. Bucky doesn’t clock who, his mind still attempting to fit puzzle pieces together.

“Captain America is an obvious choice. It can’t be another Avenger because you’ve done equal damage to their cause. It’s not me because they don’t want me dead—I’m valuable to them. But Fury? Fury created the Avengers. Fury is the leader. He’s also the director of SHIELD: HYDRA’s number 1 obstacle. It makes sense.”

Fury hums in agreement. “Rogers and I make the most sense. We still have a third target to identify, though.”

Bucky nods in acknowledgment, but his eyes settle on Coulson beside Fury.

“Coulson.”

Coulson’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise, as if he never would have expected he could be so important to Bucky. He swallows and composes himself, and when he speaks, he is calm, confident.

“I do make sense. My team and I have given HYDRA a real headache, and, like Fury, I’m the leader.”

—

With a list of targets that the team was agreed upon and confident in, it was time for a plan. They’d been idle too long. The plan is simply to get you back first, stop HYDRA second, but the way Bucky see is it, you are crucial to Frost’s plan. If they get you, Frost will be scrambling.

“Okay, team,” Steve says into a huddle. “Stick to the plan. The tip we sent out says I’ll be on a solo recon mission, so they’ll be waiting. Y/N will be waiting.

The goal is to get Y/N and bring her home.”

“And we’re sure she’s not just going to kill you?” Sam asks, facetiously. Bucky scowls.

“We have to hope that she really is just playing HYDRA’s game to stay alive,” Steve says solemnly.

—

“Any sign of her?” Natasha asks into the coms.

“No,” Clint says.

“Redwing and I got nothing,” Sam says.

The coms go silent as the team waits. Steve carefully walks through the hallways of the abandoned HYDRA facility. He’s careful—he half expects you to step out of nowhere and shoot at him.

He turns the corner into what appears to be the facility’s security room. Computer monitors line the walls, each showing different hallways or facility entrances. The room is bland and dark except for the monitors and the light emitting from them.

Steve’s eyes take in the security footage, the room, and the woman sitting in a large desk chair in front of the monitors, legs propped up on the desk the security equipment rests on.

“Y/N?” Steve asks.

“You found her?” Bucky asks quickly, heartbeat picking up. He had been ordered to stay behind in the quinnjet, but if Steve found you, he’s leaving.

“Hi, Cap,” you say pleasantly. “Been a while.”

“You tried to kill me a week ago.”

You frown. “You still mad about that?”

Steve scoffs. “Y/N, what’s going on?”

“What’s going on, Captain America,” a third voice chimes in, “is the fall of the Avengers, of SHIELD, and the rise of HYDRA.”

“Frost,” Steve says, presuming he’s meeting the “mastermind” behind the whole endeavor.

“Captain Rogers,” Frost says with an over animated grin. “A pleasure!”

Steve turns back to you, ignoring Frost’s greeting. “You missed.”

“I won’t miss this time,” you say, the corner of your mouth twitching.

“I don’t doubt it,” Steve replies. “I’ve never known you to miss. Best sniper on the team.”

“Steven,” you say, an edge to your voice that confuses Steve. He opens his mouth to answer, but the sound of a gun cocking beats him to it.

Behind Steve, and then behind Frost, stands Bucky; he has a gun to Frost’s head. It’s clear that Bucky had snuck up on him.

“Well! Isn’t it nice of you to join us, Sergeant Barnes,” Frost says. “I just love a little family reunion. Tell me, how is the Mini Asset? Hmm?”

Still holding the gun to Frost’s head with his right hand, Bucky’s left hand goes around Frost’s throat.

“Watch it.”

“Buck, we need him alive,” Steve warns. Bucky releases Frost’s neck. However, in the small amount of time that this interaction took place, Frost had, unbeknownst to the three of you, snuck something out of his pocket.

“Well, this has been fun. I’m sure we will meet again soon,” Frost’s tone is sardonic. “Just know, Captain Rogers, Sergeant Barnes, that you may have gotten your little bitch back today, but this is far from over. HYDRA will rise again. SHIELD will fall.”

Then, Frost throws what he had pulled from his pocket to the ground and smoke quickly billows up into the room, filling your lungs and making you cough. You hear footsteps—Frost running. He must have taken Bucky by surprise, too.

When the smoke clears, you face your husband and run into his arms for the first time since being kidnapped.

—

After being rescued from Frost, Bucky and the team take you back to the Avengers’ makeshift headquarters. They (with profuse apologies) blindfold you on the way so that you’re not able to leak any information if you have actually turned against them, or accidentally give something away if HYDRA is watching somehow.

“I’m sorry, Doll. Y’know I trust you with my life, but we gotta be sure,” Bucky says. You rest your hand on his and squeeze.

“It’s fine. I understand.”

Upon your arrival to the HQ, you’re taken to an interrogation room where Fury and Coulson ask you about the kidnap, the torture, the deal you struck, HYDRA’s plans, and everything else up to your rescue. They hook you up to a lie detector machine, even, and ask you if you are working with HYDRA, if you had gone dirty.

“I promise I only did what I had to survive and to keep my daughter alive. I had to do what HYDRA asked. They’re everywhere. They’re within SHIELD, even. I didn’t know who could hurt her,” you swore.

When Fury and Coulson are finally finished interrogating you, they tell you they think you have a chance of being acquitted. You were a prisoner of war, and, surely, the U.S. government would see that. However, until then, you were in SHIELD’s custody and to be locked up. You agree without protest.

As you’re walking out of the interrogation room, hands cuffed in front of you, you see Bucky holding a sleeping Becca in his arms waiting for you. Your eyes widen.

“What is she doing here?” You panic.

Bucky frowns. “I thought you might want to see her. She misses you.”

“Bucky, if she sees me right now, what will she think? I’m handcuffed. The last time she…” You trail off. “I don’t want to see her. Just… put her to bed. Give her a kiss for me. Tell her I love her. Don’t bring her by my cell.”

Bucky says nothing as a couple SHIELD agents lead you away.

—

It takes 2 months for you to be acquitted. You stay locked up in a SHIELD cell, refusing to see your daughter, barely speaking to anyone for 2 months. When you are finally acquitted, it is because a private grand jury hears your testimony, Becca’s testimony, and the testimony of the Avengers’, security and personnel from the White House there the night you assassinated the president, and the families of the deceased. The ordeal is heart wrenching. You are sentenced to a year of probation (including not going on missions as an Avenger) and weekly court mandated therapy, but you are free.

When the judge tells you, “Mrs. Y/N L/N-Barnes, you’re a free woman,” you let out a sob and feel yourself yanked into a firm chest that you’d recognize anywhere: Bucky.

“You’re okay, sweetheart. You’re coming home.”

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@just-henny @jasminocano @browneyedgirl22-blog @barnesboo1967 @matchat3a @unkasworld @qwertyb2577 @raajali3 @yoruse @iilsenewman @alysianc @fairytalegirlofurdreams @marvelxlevram @casa-boiardi @buckybraneslover111 @hhiggs @smolracoon25 @questionableratatouille00 @heytheredemonsitsyourgirl @thearieunhinged @sebastianstansource @middaystarlight @talesofadragon @killerwendigo @ozwriterchick @kandis-mom

[valaruakars]

Let's Get Physical (Part 7)

Viktor/F!Reader || 6.3k || Modern!AU + Gym!AU || SFW

Bitches hate you for your overzealous approach to supporting your friends and deeply anxious behavior. Viktor is not bitches.

A/N: Omg. We're here. We're back on our bullshit. Thank you to everyone who beta'd and/or provided me free therapy about this for that past um... seven months. Oops. Thank you to everyone who reached out over the (unintentional) hiatus with encouraging comments and asks. I hope you'll understand why I took so long to handle this with care and unpack some of my own issues. Very cathartic. Would recommend.

Part 1 → Part 2  → Part 3 → Part 4  → Part 5 → Part 5.2 (nsfw) → Part 6  → Part 7 (Ao3 Link)

Before you know it, two weeks and a day have passed. They make no palpable difference. 

Except maybe in your quadriceps. 

The same weights you’ve been using feel almost effortless, too easy. You don’t fatigue as quickly into heavy breathing and the urge to cheat yourself a rep or two—not lunging with the dumbbell gripped at one of its wide ends, not squatting while it’s clutched close to your chest. It’s suddenly not enough. 

Nobody’s around to see it, but progress is progress. Turns out, you’ve finally graduated to heavier weights on this lonely leg day you’ve committed to. 

That’s a bit of a misnomer, though. The day is mostly past you now. It’s evening—crisp and wispy, sky like striated fire outside the garage—and as the sun sets, you’re reminded of the late start you’re up against. All because you forgot something. 

A good attitude is optional. A scrunchie you can live without. But your shoes? Leave them forgettably kicked off in two different directions on your bedroom floor and you’re fucked. It’s a small miracle you’re here, dragging around weight plates, setting up a barbell. There was a very real danger of tripping and falling into bed—totally by accident, never to get up again—when you drove home and stomped upstairs to grab them. 

But whether or not he knows it, likely the latter, Viktor keeps you accountable when no one else can. It’s because the only running you truly love is the risk of seeing him, which still requires proper footwear. And for you to leave the house. 

Though by the time you whipped into the driveway and thrust the gear shift into park, it’s empty. He’d left already; you didn’t get to see him off on his reluctant shuffle through the garage. But lucky you—he tends to come straight home after physical therapy. Call it friendly concern that you’re paying attention. 

It’s probably an odd way to think about a friend. You need to work on that. 

Your phone vibrates dully on the padded bench beside you. Nearly knocking your water over in the process, you grab it to find a text from Jayce—the usual culprit. You slide it open, accidentally brushing the top of the screen with shaky fingers. It catapults you to the beginning of your most recent messages before you can read the new one. 

Mon, Oct 10

[Jayce Talis, 5:56am]: Did you leave the back door unlocked last night? [Jayce Talis, 5:57am]: And the pool lights on? [Jayce Talis, 5:57am]: Was Viktor in the pool?

[7:32am]: Holy shit. Good morning. [7:33am]: No, no, and why do you think I know these things??

[Jayce Talis, 7:45am]: Sorry, it’s all good. He’s alive. 

[7:46am]: ???????

[Jayce Talis, 7:49am]: You guys didn’t hang out after I left? 

[7:57am]: Idk if you would consider it that. [8:02am]: But has anyone invited him to cards on Saturday??

[Jayce Talis, 8:17am]: He already said no. [Jayce Talis, 8:18am]: Although… [Jayce Talis, 8:19am]: You could try telling him it’s strip poker. Haha :) 

[8:20am]: Blocked. Reported. Banned. NOT DOING THAT.

[Jayce Talis, 8:21am]: No wait! I was kidding. He’s not a creep :(

Tue, Oct 11

[Jayce Talis, 3:38pm]: Wait did you actually block me? 

[3:50pm]: Yes.

Sun, Oct 16

[Tayce Jalis, 8:00am]: Can I have my t-shirt back today?

[8:31am]: Oh the really old anime one? I left it with some stuff to be washed, ask Viktor. [8:32am]: Maybe the dryer did you a favor and ate it. 

[Tayce Jalis, 8:34am]: Hey! Naruto is timeless.

Today

Tayce Jalis unsent a message

Not fast enough to scroll back down, caught revisiting those unremarkable little messages, and now you’ll never know what Jayce’s butt managed to text you this time. Oh well. Keep your secrets. 

You toss your phone down behind you with a leathery slap. Back to working on the whole stop pining after Viktor thing.

Right, and your legs. 

The barbell bites into your hips as you roll it into your lap and adjust it, the bench presses into your shoulder blades. It’s heavier and harder to manage, but you do, driving down into your heels to get your ass off the ground, hefting yourself into a nice, solid bridge. From there it’s as easy as dipping your hips, which isn’t quite easy at all. No, it’s brutal. 

It burns from your core down to your thighs; has you clenching your jaw, gritting your teeth with the strain. Even your biceps are active, lifting some of the steel-hard pressure off your hip bones. 

You’re so zoned in—no thoughts, head empty except for the number six over and over until it’s seven—that you only hear the hiss of your breath in and out, the hammering rush of blood behind your ears. You don’t hear Viktor come home. 

Not until he’s standing above you.  

He had the heinous metal on metal sound in his old beige car fixed—that grinding, grating death knell in its engine. One of several potentially life threatening reasons the check engine light was always on—maybe still is. And though you much prefer him living, it’s harder to hear him coming over the steady music without paying attention. 

Bad timing for Miss Carly Rae Jepsen on your Upbeat Workout Jams playlist, considering you do really, really, really like him. Him and how he stands at the end of the bench, staring down; how he fixes you with that sliver thin smile, a manila folder tucked under the arm of his long cardigan. 

You seize with embarrassment, frozen on the upswing of your hips. “Hi,” whispers out on the end of an exhale, caught ragged in your throat. 

You can’t do pelvic thrusts in front of him. 

You just can’t. 

It’s bad enough that you’re sweaty in every skin to skin crevice and certainly flushed, t-shirt sticky and legs trembling as they hold your awkward position, but then there’s him. 

He wears that same look much better. On him, it’s healthy color across the cut lines of his cheeks; it’s still-damp curls at the nape of his neck and the jump of his lean throat when he swallows, dry when he must’ve forgotten a water bottle again. It’s suggestive. It’s hot. 

And it’s the endorphins that make you feel that way, surely, more than any affinity for men in gray sweatpants that are far more revealing than they must realize. 

You clear your throat, finding your own parched voice. “Watch your feet,” you warn, on the side of caution, dropping butt and barbell to the ground with a metallic thud. You let your head drop back against the bench pad, staring up at him with the dazed satisfaction of calling it quits. Only for the moment, of course, as you blindly feel around for your phone to turn the music down. 

And good fucking god is what you see unholy. Viktor shifts his weight before you can look away, and the ache in your core redoubles—different, deeper than any lactic acid buildup. Did his pants shrink in the wash or is it really that m—?

Nope! Absolutely not! 

You can tread no further with that thought because, really, there’s no such thing as having a platonic appreciation for your friend’s dick. Not when the friend is Viktor. 

“You’re not finished yet?” he asks. Innocent. Oblivious to your mental struggle out of the gutter. 

Typically you would be by now. Equipment racked, the citrus scent of disinfectant on your hands, picking at innocuous conversation while you walk inside together. How was your day? Did you hear they’re demolishing the old physics building? There’s a guest lecture next month that might interest you. 

“About another thirty minutes,” you breathe, “and then I’ll be done. I’m running behind.”

“Ah, interesting. That looks to me more like sitting,” he says, which is terrible enough to earn an eye roll, and snarky enough that your lips wobble and break into an insurmountable smile.

“It’s called resting, thanks. This would go faster if you stopped distracting me,” you huff, muscles loose, lips looser. 

The little spark of mirth in his eyes, so bright and awake, makes your stomach clench vice tight. “Mm. There’s no rush,” he shrugs, “but… Rio might enjoy a visit.” 

Your smile is skeptical as he pulls the file folder from beneath his arm. “Oh really?” It widens as he starts to fan you from above—chilly in the garage, but you’re still sweating buckets. It’s futile, although he’s sweet to try and help.  

He nods, gravely serious, “She told me herself.” 

You crane your neck unconsciously to let it cool the sweat that lingers there, sighing as little wisps of loose hair billow feather light and tickle your feverish skin. 

He isn’t holding it right, though. His grip is too loose on the edge.

At once, a flurry of white comes raining down on you. It’s instinct that your eyes clamp shut against the onslaught. 

“No, no, no,” he hisses as if begging could stop gravity. 

It doesn’t, of course. 

His papers flutter and scrape across the floor. An unlucky one sticks to the sweat on your scrunched up cheek. He’s quick to dip forward and snatch it back first, the easiest to reach.

You blink off the surprise and snicker, “Oh, how the tables have turned. Who’s the clumsy one now?” Rolling the barbell away over your outstretched legs, there’s nothing in its path to be crumpled beneath the weight.  

But Viktor doesn’t answer with a crooked smile or a quiet laugh, no dry wit to be found. His dark, heavy brows furrow and he insists, “No, just—just let me,” while he crouches to the ground, distributing his weight between his cane and the end of the bench. 

“It’s okay,” you insist, reaching to gather what’s scattered between you, “I’ve got it. No big deal.”

“To you,” he mutters, snatching two away before you can turn them over. Makes him lose balance. He narrowly catches himself before he can veer face first into your spandex lap,, blunt, bony fingers digging into your thigh at the hem of those skin tight biker shorts. It crushes the papers all the same. 

“Top secret nuclear codes?” you tease, drowning his muttered apologies. It sounds stupid and obvious that you’re trying to distract from the fumbling tension when his hand stays put for moments too long. Yours, too, on his shoulder to brace him. 

Just until he’s able to sit himself solidly on the ground beside you. 

He purses his lips, “My work is with reactor cores, not weapons.”

It’s only been a week since you got an impromptu lecture about nuclear fusion in the kitchen. It’s not like you’d forget so quickly. “I know—”

Impatient, Viktor reaches over your lap, too close for comfort. Whatever you were about to say is struck from your train of thought. 

His cardigan drags soft and pilled with wear across your beat up knees. Beneath it, his sweat smells sharp and strangely appealing. It’s fascinating, that draw to something so base and human. It’s unsettling, the way your heart responds like it beats between your legs.

You follow his hand, unabashedly curious, and watch him pick up another overturned paper. Below it, the next sheet is stuck face up to the floor with what you cringe to assume is a drop of your sweat, bleeding the ink of a diagram. Multiple diagrams, actually. 

Of stretches.  

The familiarity sparks excitement. 

By the time he peels up the corner of the page with his fingernail, you’re sure of what you’re looking at. It’s common ground, of a sort; the excuse to end all excuses. 

“These are from the physical therapist?” 

He sighs, sitting back in an awkward fold of spindly legs. Looks wearier, now, with his shoulders collapsed like the exhaustion of going has finally caught up. “Yes,” he admits, because you’re smart and he’s smart, and any other answer would be an obvious lie. 

You’re doing it again—digging your fingers into a soft spot that feels as ripe as it does intrusive. We do not talk about it much, he once said, but it’s hard to stop once you’ve started. You just have to know: “Do you do them?” 

His eyes cut down to the papers in his hands. “When time permits.”

“How often does it permit?” 

“Occasionally,” says Viktor, which might mean somewhere between rarely and never. 

Early mornings, late nights; classes to teach, lab hours to log, projects, papers, and a dissertation that looks done to you, but he laughs bitterly when you suggest it. Still has to find time to eat and shower and sleep, but his eyes are always restless purple and there are wrappers from meal replacement bars scattered around the house, too high calorie for Jayce to be the culprit. 

You wonder what will happen when it all catches up with him. Worse, you worry. 

Beseechingly, you reach out. Your grip is gentle as you take hold of the printouts at their edge. “Can I see?” you ask, not grabbing or pulling or taking, just there and ready. 

His lips form a tight, considering line. “If that is the last of your questions,” he slowly replies. Prickly, but relenting, he lets go before you can ever agree. 

So you don’t.  

His eyes are on you as you flip through the stack—you can feel it as a strange, shy tension like bated breath, watching and waiting. 

Page by page, it’s nothing you haven’t seen before. Some you’ve even done yourself, but with simple modifications. Hell, bridges are just hip thrusts performed flat on the floor, without the weight. Nothing he’d need help with, which is ideal when you’re not qualified to do anything but make space for him; to emphasize that he’s welcome and wanted, maybe offer up a sweaty-palmed high five if you’re feeling spunky. 

You peel your legs off the floor and resituate, tucking them as your turn to face him, direct in every sense. “You could come do these with us on Sunday mornings after we run, before you get started on work. It would make Jayce happy, and Vi has a really funny way of being encouraging—”

He pulls a face—a nose scrunched up, barely concealed, abso-fucking-loutely not sort of scowl. 

“Or…” you’re quick to try, “Just with me, when I’m here. It’ll take, what—fifteen? Twenty minutes?” 

“It’s a poor use of time,” he says. It’s as avoidant as it is clumsy, with a dismissive edge still dull enough to bruise. 

And that’s because: “You stop and talk to me for longer than that sometimes,” you remind him flatly.  

He sighs sharply, toying absently with the cane laid across his lap. “That is different.” He says it like it’s obvious; like it’s frustrating that you don’t know how obvious it is. 

“Well, what if we could do both at the same time?” you propose. After all, he’s got such a hard-on for efficiency, if that’s what’s stopping him. “I know you’re a good multitasker…”  

His jaw works, trapping his thoughts behind imperfect teeth. 

“And we probably keep this floor cleaner than the carpet…” you prod, because the silence of a man who can and has talked your ear off is disquieting; because you don’t always know when to stop; because this feels like a negotiation. 

“My bedroom suits my purposes just fine,” he says, eventually. 

But you never said which carpet. The thought of him sequestered in there, even for this, is fucking depressing. Arguably disgusting when you’ve walked across that rug and felt the grit of dirt, crumbs, and debris that the pattern hides through your socks. And worse: It’s a choice, so why is he making it? 

Abruptly, the rubber tipped end of his cane meets like against the rubber tiled floor. He pulls himself up on it with difficulty you can’t ignore, but shakes his head when you move to help. The only thing you do is hand him up the battered stack of papers, tucked back into the folder from which they came, when he stands up fully. You won’t hold them hostage, even if part of you wants to. It wouldn’t keep him from leaving, his back to you such a familiar sight. 

You just want to understand, though, if nothing else. To crack him like a cipher.  

Softer, you try: “I wouldn’t judge you.” It’s the last, desperate little thing you can think of. They’re like magic words to you. 

But the problem is: They don’t work on everyone. 

To his credit, his tone isn’t harsh. It’s indifferent, like stating a sterile fact. “This has nothing to do with you,” he says. “I haven’t skipped an appointment recently, and that should be enough.”

Indigence might suit you in those moments you grow a seedling backbone, but it doesn’t suit this. You can’t help it though. His frustration has bled into you, caught like kindling. “Is it?” 

“You and I do not share the same sense of priorities,” he replies, but it’s not an answer. Not really. 

The urge to turn him upside down and shake him until something definitive comes out is overwhelming—so straightforward until he just… isn’t. “If you’re not going to say yes or no, can’t you just lie and say you’ll think about it?” 

He looks you over inscrutably, sitting there in his shadow. “Why would you assume it’s a lie?”

“Oh, I don’t know…” you huff. But you do. Experience and a certain friend who actually bothers to text you back have given you the answer. “Jayce says you’re stubborn and I’m starting to think he’s right.” 

Viktor nods conclusively, but doesn’t care to share what’s going through his head. As evasive as ever when he cares to be, just murmurs,“You should finish this.”

And then, for a reason that is simply beyond you, says: “I will see you later.”

But for once, you’re not sure if you want to. 

—

You rap your knuckles against his open door. 

Seriously—who were you kidding, thinking for even a second that you wouldn’t be here, doing this?

Yes, it’s well after eight now and you’re pitifully hungry, but it wouldn’t feel right to leave without saying anything. In writing a note or sending a text, you’d simply be spelling out, ‘I’m a coward!’ in far more words. It’s best, you decide, to be polite and mature and just say goodnight despite the awkward taste in your mouth that is very reminiscent of your own foot. 

And you get to say it to his back, which should be easy. 

But then there’s Rio on his desk like a pissed off paperweight, swimming the foggy side of her holding tank—sorry, prison—without any hope of escape. They’re the angriest, most pathetic wiggles you’ve ever seen. Habitual, given how tongue-smudged and abraded the plastic has become. 

“You see?” he says, gesturing to the sound of her scrabbling in his bright rubber kitchen gloves. “It’s just as I said.” 

“I think it’s more about you ignoring her.” Rio pauses, slipping down the side. Her little face conveys it perfectly: “Father is cruel? Father is… unyielding? Father hates Rio?” 

“No, no… Although, eh, yes, I suppose she does sound like that…” he muses, nodding. “I think she must wonder those things about you, actually.”

Your shoulder hits the door frame, shrugging against it where you lean. “I probably don’t matter much to her.”

There’s a heavy pause, enough for him to breathe in and hold it. Breathe out, softly: “You do.”

And suddenly, you can’t find it in you to leave. Did you ever truly have the will? 

The truth is there on your feet—those perpetually mismatched socks. You’d hoped for this, secretly, else you wouldn’t have left your shoes off at the door.  

It’s warm when you walk in. A space heater that’s been running too long glows electric orange on the floor near his desk. Makes the smell of churned earth and vinegar cleaner that much stronger. And while the clutter is clearly endemic, it seems the fuzzy, stagnant mugs are not. They’re all gone from his desk and the bedside table, replaced by sticky notes, pill bottles, and an avalanche of papers.

You come up and give Rio’s tiny, clawed foot a high-five through the plastic. “Has she been doing this all night?” you ask, looking over. 

Knee on the desk chair for leverage, he’s elbows deep in her tank, rooting those waxen, fake plants back into the substrate with unnatural posture. It’s that stiffness you’ve always noticed—ramrod straight from the mid-spine up. It’s easier to see in profile, in a thin shirt that clings to his back, that there’s nothing visibly forcing it. 

“On and off. She tires quickly now,” he says, arranging a broad-leafed plant near her favorite rocky shelter—scrubbed clean, still damp. “When she was younger, it would go on much longer while I did this.”

“How old is she exactly?” 

His sigh is almost lost beneath the hum of the space heater. He answers, “Fifteen,” in the soft, subdued way of someone who hates to be reminded. 

There’s many things you’re too afraid to ask him. Such hits as: Why did you dig yourself a hole this deep, does Jayce text everyone about you, and would I even stand a chance if things were different? But right now, most of all, it’s how long do geckos live? 

You don’t think you’re going to like the answer. 

Viktor clears his throat. “She’s very, eh… spritely for her age,” he adds, fondly this time. 

You hum a soft sound in agreement, too shaky through the legs to squat down to eye level with her. When you bend your knees to try, you realize you’ll probably never get up again. 

He glances over as you straighten up. “You can sit,” he offers without really saying where. It’s obvious, though. The only option—his rumpled bed, never made, with all its mismatched pillows. One has definitely been stolen from the couch, three are yellowed and missing pillowcases which is… ew. 

But you’re not going to refuse. You’d like to hold Rio, after all. 

You swallow hesitation and tuck yourself onto the end of his mattress, balancing on the firm edge. At least the intrusive thoughts are fleeting. Only briefly do you wonder what he thinks about at night. What he does. What he wants for.

Not you. That’s for sure.

Your elbows lock out where you grip the ridged edge of the bed. The weight of things gone unsaid, of things left unresolved bears down; it prickles warm at the back of your neck and you can’t stand the waiting silence. 

“So…” you drawl, letting your voice fill the void.

“Hm?”

“Are you going to hand her to me now, or…?”

“Ah, no, I’m finished,” he says over his shoulder. “She needs to go back in the tank.”

“Then why am I sitting here?” 

“Because I have something to ask you.”

Straightforward. Right. You forgot just how terrifying that can be. 

“That sounds just as bad as saying we need to talk,” you mutter, heart twisting into a suffocating, arterial knot. 

“We do, though,” he says, too literal, too preoccupied with placing Rio back in her clean terrarium to notice your soul leave your body—preemptively abandoning ship. 

But he’s merciful, at least. He doesn’t keep you in suspense. 

“I just want to understand at what point you developed such a vested interest in, eh… fixing me, I suppose,” he asks, like wondering what the weather will be tomorrow or what the dining hall might serve for lunch. Conversationally. “Did Jayce put you up to this?”

Your eyes narrow in thought. “No…?” you reply. It comes out too shifty as you toy with the serged edge of his blanket. Jayce put you up to something alright, though that hardly matters anymore. But, in a way, does this count? Would Viktor think that this counts?

“A sure answer, please.”

Fuck. 

“It’s just that I would lump that in as part of being friends with you—except I’d call it, y’know, caring?” You draw your leg up onto the bed, closer, tucking your foot beneath your thigh. “That’s all I’m trying to do.”

Viktor flips the grate down with a finality that lights your nerves like a beacon to flee. “So he asked you to do what, exactly?” 

“Nothing,” you squirm. 

He pivots, solidly on two feet. Doesn’t sit down in the desk chair quite yet. “It wouldn’t be the first time for this behavior, and, with you, I’m sure it was not the last. Do you know that he once provided Caitlyn with a written list of topics not to bring up to me?” 

You shrug, “He’s a good friend...” 

Now you’re staring down the barrel of being just the opposite—of throwing Jayce under the bus. 

“What did he ask?” Viktor presses.

And you break. Made brittle by your desire to put him first, of course you do.  

“All he wanted was for me to give you a chance, which was pretty reasonable after you called me annoying—” that word comes out with a bite to it you didn’t intend; sensitive, sore, “—but I never told him about that. He’s just… worried about you in his own way, I guess.” 

Viktor quietly raises an eyebrow, and that’s all it takes to snap you into fours next. It practically falls out of your mouth: “He keeps texting me to make sure you’re still alive. Sometimes I think he’s joking, but then one time he told me he had a nightmare that you drowned in the pool, so part of me actually thinks he’s being serious.” 

“He is.” 

“Wait, really—?”

“Is that why you come so often now?”

Wednesday. Friday. Sunday. Monday too, sometimes, if the day before hasn’t left you sufficiently sore enough. The pain means progress. It must.

“Well, no,” you blink, “that’s mainly because I have a lot to work on.”

“Do you?”

You gesture to yourself. All of you. The way your stomach folds and rolls and fucking exists unappealingly beneath your sweatshirt when you slouch—it could be better. The way your thighs pancake out, smushed against the bed—not getting better, but discipline and toning might shape them into something near desirable. “Yeah, obviously.”

He treads lightly. “I… would not say it’s obvious.” But his eyes are cast down as he carefully removes his rubber gloves and discards them in a bucket of cleaning supplies. He’s not rude enough to agree, but you worry, in all those moments you can feel him looking at you, that he’s thinking it. After all, he’s willowy, sharp and elegant in a way you’ll never be. Soft and fleshy. Never quite right. 

“And that’s because you’re, what, zero percent body fat?” you sigh, gesturing to him incredulously. “I’m not implying that’s healthy or ideal—honestly, I’d share some if I could—but…” Your hands curl to your chest, clasped tightly in one another when there is no one else to hold them through the indignity of admitting, “I’m the one that needs fixing. Not you.” 

He was right, though, when he said it earlier. This isn’t about you. “Where did you come up with that, anyways?” you ask. 

The lines on his face, those deep, concerned creases between his brows, spell out what the fuck. You don’t understand what’s so hard about that question—what he can’t figure out, why the confusion lingers in his eyes. “This… This is the second time you’ve offered to help me.”

“I was trying to be supportive. Encouraging, even—that’s also a good word for it.” 

“It all feels the same,” he tells you, taking his turn to sigh. “Which is to say patronizing, sometimes.”

And that was not what you intended. “I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be a saint or anything. That’s not entirely it.” You fight the turtle-like urge to retract into your sweatshirt, which would arguably be more stupidly embarrassing than admitting: “I was just looking for… common ground, I guess. Ways to hang out without dragging you out with us.” 

“Are we not doing that right now?”

“Sure, but I feel bad about it.” There’s the silvery peek of his computer, buried on the desk. “I’m keeping you from more important things.” 

“You’re not,” he says—no, placates, but the disbelieving press of your lips makes him reconsider. “Well, eh, perhaps, but I can manage. I’ve dealt with Heimerdinger’s high expectations and, mm, sadistic deadlines for years. The weekends work well to make up for lost time, and there is all night after this too.”

“You should sleep.”

“I can’t. Not well.”

You give a creaky little bounce—not much of one, no spring to it—to demonstrate: “Maybe because your mattress feels about as hard as sleeping on the ground.” 

“One problem of many, yes.”

You count yourself among them, in one way or another. You’ve been leaking these awful insecurities all night. 

Is it any wonder that another slips? 

“It’s just—the last thing I want is to bother you. Everyone, really, but especially you.” 

“Is that because of me?” he asks quietly. “Because of what I said?”

Oh, you’ve carried this around since day one. Let it color his tone and his words and his actions. Let it haunt you trying to reach for others, the freshest nick in a line of scars that was never stitched properly. That’s what you get for letting all those little anxieties run wild with knives in their hands. That’s what you get for forgiving him before he ever asked for it, as if that would make things easier. For you. For him. For everyone. 

It hasn’t.

Viktor crosses the three steps between you on bare, nobby feet. His weight dips the bed beside you ever slightly, like he’s hardly there. But he is, by the way his leg bumps your knee, and you scoot over to give him space.  

He doesn’t seem to know what to do with his hands, grasping at some distant thread. They’re as awkward as he is in saying, “I can’t recall what I meant at the time, but it… it wasn’t that. It would’ve been fine if you thought less of me for it, but not of yourself.” 

You shake your head. “It’s—don’t worry, it’s not all you,” you say, softening his guilt, perhaps at your own expense. “I have a lot of anxiety, and that’s a long running thing, okay? It’s mostly… me.” 

“That’s… good to know. About you, I mean. Not that it’s—it’s good. Just, eh, helpful to know.” 

“I guess that’s generally the benefit of being upfront about things,” you shrug as if it comes easy. 

“I would prefer that, I think.”

It doesn’t, but the light, fizzy feeling of relief makes you want to try, if only to have more of it. Maybe more of his shy little smiles too. This time with more intention, and less leaky word vomit. 

“Okay…” You shift to face him fully, mirroring his posture in leaning back on your hand for support. “Then in no uncertain terms, I want you to know that I’m not trying to fix you.” Been there, done that, got the shitty dunce hat. People don’t change unless they want to. You know that. “I just wish you were kinder to yourself, but that’s on you. So if you ever decide you want better, whatever that means, I’ll be there. Only if you want me to and only on your own terms—no physical activity required.”

“I might want to consider it, you know…” His voice lowers, softer and softer with hesitation, to the point that you find yourself leaning in. Noticing, as he seems to have noticed, that your hands are a hair’s breadth apart. “As a future prospect, if anything. But you have to understand, I don’t enjoy being watched.”

“I get that.” 

“Mm, no, I imagine people stare at you for very different reasons,” he mutters. “Not pity. Envy, perhaps.”

“I promise, most people don’t want these thunder thighs,” you huff, resisting the urge to slap them like a used car salesman. These babies can fit so much soul-crushing insecurity, which is a terrible pitch, really. The occasional bouts of self-loathing are not your strongest selling point.

He lets out the strangest bark of a laugh, so dry it’s almost ugly, as if he can read your mind. 

But you didn’t mean to derail. “Sorry, continue.” 

“Right…” Viktor draws in a long breath, quiet for a moment before he figures out how to word it. “It’s as simple as that I would rather go unseen. It’s very, ah, personal. And painful, sometimes.”

You think of the age old adage: If it hurts, don’t do it. “Um, not a doctor, but I don’t think it’s supposed to be?” 

“So they say,” he nods pensively, eyes ticking over some distant thought, maybe a memory. “It wasn’t like this before. The discomfort wasn’t… serious. That’s how I was able to ignore it for so long.”

“Ignore what?”

Not the brutal slam of the garage door across the house, for one thing. The pictures on the wall must be hanging crooked now.

Viktor sits straighter—if that’s even possible—and calls out: “Jayce?”

Footsteps—softer, distant.

His eyes snap back to yours. “It’s been a week since he’s come home,” he tells you in a quick whisper. “Mm, well, in the evening. He’s here in the morning—”

“To work out at the ass crack of dawn? I know.”

“You were invited?”

“He knows better than to think I’ll get up that early. I saw on his Instagram.”

Footsteps—louder now.

Viktor nods sagely. “Ah, yes, the stories. By my count, he has written, eh, ‘rise and grind’ forty three times since the first of the year.”

“That’s…” Your math isn’t great but, “More than once a week,” you whisper back, on the cusp of giggles as Viktor nods. And then, it hits you. “Wait—”

But the footsteps have stopped. 

And instead, there’s Jayce’s stoop-shouldered figure braced in the doorway. He sniffles loudly.

He’s still dressed in the khakis and blue button down he wears to work—rumpled, sleeve cuffs smeared darker. His eyes have that red, raw, burning swell of someone who's tried very hard not to cry, and failed spectacularly. 

Viktor finds the words you’re looking for with immediate precision. “Has something happened?” he asks, voice tight, hand tighter on your shoulder as he leans around you to look his roommate over. “Jayce?”

They spend a lot of time apart. Sometimes it’s easy to forget that they’re best friends too. 

He swipes at his nose as it runs into the raw little divot above his lip. Beyond sadness, there’s a guilty cast to his dark, hazel eyes, turned down to the floorboards, but you can’t find your voice to tell him that this isn’t what it looks like. 

“Are you… injured?” Viktor tries again.

Jayce shakes his head. No. 

“Is your mother alright?” 

“She’s fine,” he rasps. “Um… Can I just—?” he asks, gesturing weakly to the two of you.

Which you think must translate to: “You want to come sit?” 

“Yeah.”

Viktor’s of course comes without apprehension, without judgment. Only with the apparent surprise that he even needed to ask. 

But Jayce, in several long legged strides, doesn’t come sit. No, he collapses face first onto the bed behind you, all broad, shaking shoulders and quiet sniffles seeping out from behind his arms. They hide his face and nothing else. Hands curling, clenching into his shirtsleeve, there’s the thick band of a tan line striped across his middle finger. 

You turn yourself around, scooching closer, folding up cross-legged to face him. 

You’ve never seen him like this—laid so low. A sweat stain blooms dark at the small of his back, up between his shoulder blades, but sweat is sweat and Jayce is Jayce. You reach out to rub his back despite it.  “It’s alright…” you whisper. Feels like putting band-aids on a bleeding heart, but it’s all you have. 

Soft cotton weave catches the peeling skin of old blisters as you soothe your hand in circles. His shirt leaches the vetiver smell of cologne, but somewhere beneath it, there’s an elegant, cloying perfume still lingers. It’s no secret where he spends most of his time these days. 

You meet Viktor’s searching eyes and mouth: Mel. 

He nods gravely as if to say he drew the same conclusion.

Say something—that’s your next silent suggestion, canting your head toward Jayce. 

But instead, Jayce takes a deep, wet, shuddering breath and asks, muffled into the mattress, “Can… Can we go to Taco Bell?” 

“Sure…” you murmur. He could’ve asked you to drive him two states over to bury a body and you would’ve agreed just as thoughtlessly. Anything he needs. “We’ll take you.”

He doesn’t move. Just sniffles at a prompting little scritch to the nape of his neck, where his hair fades out to shadowy, peach-flesh fuzz.

So you ask, “Do you want to go change, and then I can drive us?”

“Can I just have a minute? Please?”

“Why?” demands a perplexed Viktor, still soft spoken. Desperate for an answer that isn’t made of cobbled assumptions; blunt in its pursuit. 

And worried. You can tell that he’s worried. 

As if you’d been the one to ask, the personification of wet, doleful misery lifts his head and looks up at you. His face is a ruin of dark, clumpy lashes and tear-tracked skin. His lip wobbles, the pressure of withholding little sobs building, building, building. But speaking it aloud makes it real. Speaking it aloud breaks the levee. 

“I think we just broke up,” he finally whispers. 

And cries face-down for another hour after that.

[wanderlust-in-my-soul]

Currently Watching - March

Just a little PSA - I am on a little hiatus until April the 9th. I have some personal stuff to deal with, but nothing bad 😁 Positive all the way and good for my personal growth!

I won't be able to gif any of the series for the time, but I will watch them and perhaps write down some thoughts 😊 And if you want me to gif some scenes, just let me know and I will get to them when I am finished with my stuff 😊 And of course I will still reblog stuff from all of these wonderful creators on this site!

Please stay healthy and happy!

Because I love a good little list - in alphabetical order! 😊

Regularly updated during the month, latest update 31.03.2023

This may contain spoilers!

1. A Boss and A Babe (5/12 on Youtube)

I am not the biggest fan of ForceBook, mostly because I didn't like Enchanté, but I could help myself and smile troughout this series. Cher is annoying, but it works here, I guess? I don't know what it is. It is fun to watch.

2. Bed Friend (6/10 on iQiyi)

The trauma is strong in this one! As are the tension and longing looks of King. And Uea is beautiful and knows how to play the game.

3. Chains of Heart (6/10 on iQiyi)

Cinematography and scenery - stunning! Really pretty and dark and atmospheric. I guess I get used to the subtitles and the acting improved. So I kind of like this one? I definitely have a weak spot for Mr. Lue.

5. Past Senger (4/12 on Gaga)

What the mess did I just watch? It was boring and funny and cringy and funny and I don't know...Do I like the vibes it gives away? We will see. Episode 2 didn't help! It is really cringy and the acting is...not that good -.-

6. The Eighth Sense (2/10 on Viki)

I like the first two epsiodes. I have a weak spot for surfing ever since the movie Shelter and this is just a dream came true. I am curious about the characters and their developement. But the cliffhanger from episode two was brutal!

7. The Promise (5/10 on WeTV)

I like it. Are there cringy moments? Yes. Are there slapstick moments I can hardly deal with? Yes. Are there plotholes that bug me? Sure...but! I like it. I like Nan and Phu together and I love the slow burn and am I well entertained. I also enjoy little Party being the jealous king he is, who deeply care for Nan and if latter would choose him, i wouldn't be that angry!

8. Tin Tem Jai (5/10 on Gaga)

And we took 45 steps back and the show is kind of annoying like before...Tin can't stop aksing Park to marry him and it gets to a point where it just annoys the crap out of me. But Park can't say a clear word so what do we do here? Just let him date the cute senior.

9. Unintentional Love Story (6/10)

Okay, I am in love with this one. I know it will hurt when the truth comes out, but I am willing to get hurt for them. The chemistry is wild between them and I am looking forward to the second couple!

Finished in March

Series

1. History 5: Love in the Future (10/10 on Viki)

I really don't like it. the plot was stupid and boring. The plotholes big and heavy like black holes. The chemistry...I don't like it either in the end. Vincent was the only reason I was looking forward to this one. And the whole time travel thing was just so stupid and irrelevant! It could have been good, but it wasn't. 3 out of 10 for me.

2. Utsukushii Kare Season 2 (4/4 on Gaga)

I fell in love with Kiyoi, especially in the last two epsiodes. I am curious about the upcoming movie. The season was good and most of all in the end with a kind of good communication. 7 out of 10 for me.

3. Moonlight Chicken (8/8 on Youtube)

I love it! It has everything I can dream of in a series. It has beautiful cinematography and scenery. The acting was top. The story...so good! All the stories were just so good! I love EarthMix and they delivered. And I love GeminiFourth and they delivered too. They had to deal with endings and letting go and new beginnings and angst and grief and hope and joy and happiness and love and everything! Just everything! Definitely a 10 out of 10 for me!

4. Island Part 2 (4/6 - non bl)

It was not as good as the first part, because it felt too rushed and there were some parts that needed more time to explain. Besides that it was a good fantasy/mystical show with some nice effects and a pretty cast. The ending though...I don't know...will there be a part 3??? I give it 8 out of 10.

5. Bokura no Micro na Shuumatsu (7/8 on Gaga aka The End of the World with you)

It started so strong! I really liked the depressing atmosphere and world ending vibe. But it lost me in the middle of the journey. Suddenly there were some supernatural elements that don't make sense and are not at all explained. And don't get me started on the kissing scenes! There are some really explict scenes, but they kissed like they didn't wanna touch or hurt each other. It was not bad, but also not that good in the end. It is a 6,5 out of 10 for me.

6. Shadow and Bone (5/8 on Netflix - no bl, but queer representation)

I am really shoping for a third season, the cliffhanger was harsh! This is not a perfect series, but I like it and besides Alina, I like every character. And yes, my favorite are of course Wesper! They were cute and had some sweet scenes together and I really want to know if Jesper will train his powers. It is a 9 out of 10 for me.

7. All the Liquors (6/8 on Gaga)

It started promising for me. I liked it. I thought perhaps they are going the road that they learn from each other. one is drinking and glorificating alcohol less and the other is going to be more open to dfferent opinions. But nope, drinking is fine and fun and now our chef drinks alcohol to every meal and I don't like it. Yes perhaps personal reasons play a big role and perhaps the glorification of alcohol triggers my mind a little bit too much. And the kiss...well they could have done better. 6 out of 10 for me.

8. A Shoulder To Cry On (on Viki)

Was it a perfect show? No. Was the acting good? Yes. Was the chemistry believable? Yes. Do I need a kiss in every bl? No. Was there a lack of romance and love? Kind of. Did I like it? Yes, I did. The adaptation stick to the original manhwa and there wasn't big love confessions or depictions of affection. I think the series was fine until the last minute. I liked their own way of love. Not everything has to end with a kiss. I am happy with the story. 8 out of 10 for me.

9. Our Dating Sim (on Viki)

Perfection! I love it. The story was so good. The chemistry was so good. Everything felt so natural. The pacing was believable. I klnow I will rewatch this one from time to time just to have a good time. Oh how much I love this one! Strong 10 out of 10 for me.

10. Jack o'Frost (on Gaga)

Well this was a quiet little gem. I loved how they showed the relationship throughout the different times, how it started, how it progressed and how it ended. There was drama all the time, but it felt real and that is one of the small details I really enjoyed about this one. The story felt real. It is a 9 out of 10 for me.

Short Film

Movie

1. The Chronicles of a boy (Homo Phobia) (on Gaga)

Meet Yeong Taek, a young man, who has suffered an absured amount of physical and psychological abuse and has a tendency for strangeling people who did him wrong...There were things I liked about this movie and which were kind of challenging, but overall I didn't like it. And didn't like the protagonist. Would not recommend this one. 4,5 out of 10 for me.

Dropped/On Hold in March

1. Boyband

Because they decided not to air it any longer on youtube, I stopped watching it...It was promising though...

2. Love Syndrome III

I have watched the first half of the first epsiode and I couldn't watch any further. I can't tell how the story will progress, but right now I really can't stand the character of Itt. Why is he always so damn angry and loud?

Looking Forward to in March (with MDL-Links)

The Promise (March 1 on WeTV)

All The Liquors (March 2 on GagaOOLala)

A Boss And A Babe (March 3 on Youtube)

Love Syndrome (March 4 on WeTV)

PastSenger (March 8 on GagaOOLala)

Our Dating Sim (March 9 on Viki)

Future (March 19 on GagaOOLala)

A Shoulder To Cry On (March 14 on Viki)

Unintentional Love Story (March 17)

Make a Wish (March 22)

The Eighth Sense (March 29 on Viki)

Shadow (not sure)

[whumpshaped]

Friend HI. I forgot tumblr existed and disappeared for a couple months, which I guess is like. An unintentional hiatus?? Anyways I’m back! Also I wanted you to know that when you answered that one ask I sent and you were like “never be sorry for taking a break from the vortex that is social media” it actually eased my conscience a lot so thank you <3. Anyways: I’m making cookies! How are you? ~🐸

im sure i said smth of the sort and i stand by it but i def did not say that word by word bc i just had to google what a vortex is and thats so funny to me AJSJSJSKKS everyone is only ever allowed to make me sound smarter than i am thank u /j

i hope ur unintentional hiatus was good <3 and omg cookies!!! BRO i baked the best fucking banana bread a little while ago. im also big on the vanilla and choccy depression cakes.

im currently still sick and have been for a whole damn week (its 4am and i coughed myself awake at like 3 ... i was actually almost ok and then i came home and overexerted myself and now im sicker again :') joy) and im working on the third (and last?) instalment of that silly "whumper and caretaker work together" story. im also binge watching these deep dive videos abt 2000s celebrities (i dont recommend these to anyone unless theyre very mentally stable lol not implying that i am, i wouldnt recommend these to myself).

also im home in the new house! my family moved last thursday and its so exciting. this place is just so pretty and it has a huge garden and aaaaaaaaa its soooooo amazing. its a small village instead of the small town i grew up in. im gonna unbox my stuff tomorrow :)

anyways, always thinkin of u. ur tag is like my third most used one so it always pops up whenever i make a post and im always like huh i wonder how friend is doing. always happy to hear ur ok <3

[girltomboy]

Watched & read

I kept putting off making a post about this, but a few weeks ago my bf and I watched The Banshees of Inisherin (we got stuck in a "what should we watch?" cycle and decided to pick this one because it sounded fun). It was incredible, probably one of the best movies I watched this year, and it deserved every award and praise it got. It starts off as a regular, pretty sad but not particularly unremarkable story of a friendship breakup, apparently one-sided and out of nowhere. We know such a situation in real life, it's sad and seemingly irrational, but it's nothing wild. But then the movie spirals into this brutal, absurdist madness, a ridiculous and crude battle of egos and petty but deadly mistakes. It's a well-written and absolutely gorgeous black comedy that doesn't shy away from digging into the muddiest side of human nature. My bf and I talked about it for days afterwards, and even told our friends about it (since it hits a little too close to home for some of them 🤡).

The next movie I'm making this post for/about is It Lives Inside. My friend and I saw the trailer for this movie at the cinema not long ago, and it looked pretty interesting so we added it to our watchlist. Since we couldn't watch it at the cinema (our favorite seats kept getting taken & we couldn't make online reservations for it, for some reason) we found it online this weekend and watched it. It follows the story of an Indian teenage girl in America who faces tension from her mother at home, for rejecting her Indian culture. She also has a dispute with her tormented childhood bestie, and ends up unleashing a malevolent spirit that takes her friend away. I didn't really get most of this movie tbh, it either had an abysmally small budget because the narrative relied a lot on vibes (not even the good horror kind, just Nothing), or it was very very badly written (the latter is definitely true regardless of its budget). The acting was terrible too, but in fairness the actors probably did not have much to work with. It didn't have any quality or memorable jumpscares, zero atmosphere, you can literally tell which sequences were made just for the trailer. At times it's edited just like a parody horror. There's very little context for why things happen the way they do, the ending just leaves you very confused, it ends just because the runtime (or budget) expires, not because the movie naturally and organically arrives to a conclusion. Anyway, it was entertaining enough, but I'm so glad we didn't find tickets for it at the theatre and didn't have to pay to see it, because it would've been even more infuriating to have paid money for this trash.

The last thing on my post is The Glass Bead Game by Herman Hesse. It took me 2 months to finish this book, but considering the fact that this year I finally got back into reading consistently after the unintentional hiatus I took during the pandemic, when I didn't read anything for about 3 years and I lost any and all interest and enjoyment I ever derived out of reading... I think I'm doing very well in that regard. This book was on my reading list for one of my favorite classes in college, but obviously I didn't have the time to read it, and when my coworker recommended it to me (only for me to later find out that she didn't actually read it... she was just going off of vibes - Pisces things) I decided there's no time like the present. The book is a biography of an intellectual master who retreats to a region established for the intellectual elite to study the glass bead game - an elaborate puzzle-like game that combines various elements like mathematics, linguistics, music, etc. I was a bit gagged when I found out that this game - completely fictional, sure - was never going to be described or explained in the book. It's giving camp but mysterious, which I loved. Mr. Knecht has a bit of a homosexual aura based on his many tumultuous and intense friendships that consume him and on his dignified, serene presence that every man he comes in contact with admires. I forgot to add that this elite establishment called Castalia is exclusively open to men, because of course it is, and women are seen as malicious and manipulative temptresses always ready to betray and distract men from reaching enlightenment, while men from the outside world who allow women in their lives are seen as dirty, instinct-ruled monkeys (as are people in the outside world, in general, perceived by the Castalians). They separate themselves from the outside world and live in what seems like medieval conditions, in an attempt to transcend materialism and focus exclusively on intellectual and spiritual endeavors, like the glass bead game, of which Knecht becomes a master. Well, fast forward a couple hundreds of pages and Mr. Knecht realizes that, through all this superior isolation, Castalia attempts very hard to separate itself from history and the outside world, which FUNDS the very existence of Castalia to begin with, and he deems this as hypocritical, shallow, and dangerous, and asks to leave. After some quarrels with the president he leaves Castalia and joins society, he realizes that the most fulfilling and rewarding position for him is that of a teacher to pupils, but he doesn't go to teach at a regular school; instead he arranges to mentor the teenage son of an old friend of his, at a remote cabin in the mountains. Enthralled by the teenergy and vitality of the young boy, he follows him into a cold lake at sunrise, where he goes into hypothermic shock and sinks dead. Plummeting into that lake feeling inspired by the impulsivity of a teenage boy was probably the second most respectable and brave thing Knecht ever did, the first being to leave Castalia.

Overall this novel was a paradoxical and philosophical futuristic lens on the past that I mostly enjoyed. I get a bit overwhelmed when I try to think of what to read next. This week I remembered this really funny and enjoyable book I thrifted a few years ago, but left it at my parents' old apartment, and of course they threw it out along with the rest of my stuff. And I don't even know where I could find it again.

[afan1]

The Wilds: Season 1 Rewatch

Hey, everyone! With Season 2 of The Wilds premiering on May 6, 2022, I thought I'd go back and rewatch season 1 again after the long hiatus.

I'm going to be posting my thoughts on the episodes as I watch them, so hopefully y'all will join me in getting excited about the upcoming season! I can't wait, so let's dive right in!

SPOILER WARNINGS — While it is an episode recap, there may be spoilers for the entirety of season 1 of The Wilds. Continue reading at your own risk if you haven't seen all of it yet.

The Wilds | 1x01: Day One

Favorite Quote

Yeah, well, I'm not a lesbian. Sorry to disappoint. I just like storage. — Dot Campbell

Personal Highlights of the Episode

Dot smoking as the plane was going down... total fucking mood. I could only hope to be as badass as Dot if I was ever in a plane crash scenario.

The Jeff / Leah relationship makes me cringe, but I chuckle every time I see the "happy belated birthday" high five in the hotel room. It is so awkward, and then Leah even adds a little hand tap... I can't.

Things I Didn't Catch the First Time

Dot has her lighter and pack of cigarettes just chilling in the cupholder on the plane.

When Shelby walks past Fatin on the plane after suggesting icebreaker games, Fatin is smoothing out her eyebrow with her middle finger. Probably random and unintentional, but if not — it's hilarious.

It's dark outside when Leah is driving Jeff to his hotel. Like, did she have to wait around for him after school? Was the drive that long? Honestly, idk how the school wouldn't get into some shit asking a student to drive a grown-ass man to his hotel. You're telling me there wasn't ONE adult staff member available?

The green dial button is still on the phone screen during Martha and Fatin's calls... oops!

Observations / Theories / Questions

The Timeline Doesn't Make Sense — It's shown that Leah gets (presumably) her last text from Jeff on Wednesday, July 10.

We can assume that they were in a non-sexual relationship at least a few weeks before September 5 (Leah's birthday) based off her reply to his drunk text. Then, following her birthday, a sexual relationship until at least June 2.

Jeff and Leah's relationship could have lasted anywhere from the beginning of August to the end of June/beginning of July the following year.

Does the East Bay Academy of Art go to school year round? When does the Island Retreat begin, because I thought it was a whole summer thing aka 3 months? Someone EXPLAIN this to me pleaaaaase. I'm honestly scared that the writers won't explain any of this and it will be the biggest plot hole for the show.

If you want to get even more confused... We know Martha's evidence box that Young goes through in the bunker has a January 10 date on them. Leah is still worked up over Jeff in her interviews. A whole 5-6 months following their last text in July and after a whole mf'ing traumatic experience living on a deserted island. Girl. I love you, but please, move on (my shipper heart will be content with Fatin).

Theory — Why not have Rachel, the super athletic and skilled diver (aka: swimmer) be the subject placed in the water with Jeannette? They are the only two in the ocean following the plane crash (extremely dangerous btw since Leah was sedated). I think that Leah (Gretchen's favorite) was Jeannette's primary "target," so that she could shift Leah's train of thought about the island, observe her more closely for Gretchen, etc. So how do you get a girl that you don't know to bond with you more quickly? Only place them in a similar situation that none of the other girls are in.

Theory — Gretchen had scouted Leah for her experiment prior to the Jeff relationship (or shortly after). Remember: Leah had thought her life was boring and unremarkable. Gretchen probably could have easily convinced Leah herself or her parents to branch out and goes on a summer retreat. But, enter Jeff: exciting, remarkable, loving... everything Leah wanted. Now Gretchen realizes that Leah's new infatuation would prevent her from agreeing to leave for a whole summer, Gretchen mailed Leah's birth certificate to Jeff to induce the breakup and ensure that her favorite subject would be on the island.

None of the girls question why they aren't seriously injured after a plane crashing into the ocean. The only injuries (excluding Jeannette) are Martha's ankle, blood on Toni's ear, and Shelby's flipper being cracked. To make matters worse — Gretchen's people would have had to manipulate these injuries (super creepy and unethical). Like did these assholes really hurt Martha's ankle so bad that it blew up like a balloon? And completely invading Shelby's privacy by getting into her MOUTH and breaking the flipper. omg.

Probably completely random and irrelevant, BUT the Dawn of Eve logo has nine letters... potentially corresponding with the nine girls sent to the island. Furthermore, there's two periods in the logo between the words... potentially corresponding with the two confederates that Gretchen assigns to the experiment.

Shelby Curse Count: 1

~~~

ANNNNND that's a wrap on episode 1. It's long, I know, but I hope everyone (anyone?) that read it enjoyed it or you know, don't think I'm a complete idiot. There's a lot more that I could have covered, but shit's long enough. Like Rachel and Nora's dynamic together (and individually) in episode one could have led to a 4-page essay. The Shoni interactions early on knowing how that ends up at the end of the season, FATIN in general with her remarks because they are top tier. You get my point.

Tell me what your favorite quotes, moments, theories and observations are for episode one! Maybe we think alike or maybe you have some theories that I hadn't thought of yet. Let's discuss!

I'm going to try to get the recap on episode two out asap, so stay tuned!

[sawamura-daichis-thighs]

hey lovelies, I hope you're all well! I should be back from my unintentional mini-hiatus after this week (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ this semester required a bit more energy from me than I anticipated so I kind of had to drop of the radar aside from occasional rb spree when I had the time.

anyway, I'll be on a small break for the next few weeks during which I really hope I can work on love's only demand and plant kisses like seeds since I've essentially neglected them for 3 months OTL

I'd love it if y'all could share your favorite songs that remind of you JJK or itafushi! music is kind of my go-to inspiration when I need a boost and I definitely do after so long. 🙏❤ tysm!

[verfound]

Note/Update/Errrrrrr (9/2/20)

There’s a part of me that like...doesn’t want to post this, but I also feel like I need to post something, and it’s Wednesday.  Holy hell it’s Wednesday?  Um.  Ok.  So a few notes:

(cut bc it got long and I hate clogging up dashes with Long Posts)

1.) My brother died last week.  And I’ve been kind of a wreck over it.  I’m not gonna go into details, but it was Bad, and it’s a Big Mess.  (It was not COVID-related, but there’s a horrible part of me that almost wishes it was.)

2.) I haven’t been online much bc of this.  There’s been a lot of crying and not a lot of sleeping, and my eyes have been killing me bc of it - so looking at screens hasn’t been that great.  I’ve got a lot of messages and notifications I’m slowly working through, but either physically/mentally I just haven’t been with it enough to do so/respond.

3.) My Lovebugs & Snakecharmers are the best group of gals (and guy) ever, and I love y’all so much.

4.) I...don’t know how this is going to effect my writing.  I have a lot in the works, but creatively I’ve just been...stuck.  The few times I’ve tried to sit down and write, it hasn’t happened.  Well.  No.  I wrote one thing.  My bestie kidnapped me last weekend to get me away from everything, and she was telling me a story that was just So Couffaine, and when I was scanning in photos for the memorial video I’d take little breaks and play with the plunny.  But I have no idea how it turned out, and I don’t know when I’m going back to clean it up/post.  It’s Couffaine Family Shenanigans, and a lot of Big Brother Luka, and writing BBL hurts rn.

Ugh.  My point (bc I swear I didn’t want to get rambly with this but everything’s been rambly bc Brain’s not Braining).  I don’t want to say I’m taking a hiatus, bc that’s not my intention, but it might look that way?  There’s just a lot going on, and I haven’t been able to write much with everything, and I don’t know.  The good news is I do have the Exchange fic done - the bad news is I still have to edit it.  And rn that may be all I can handle this month.  (I was going to do one Smutember prompt a week, and I have most of them in various stages of completion, but I don’t know.  I was trying to work on one of them before I started typing this, and like...hey I can write a lot in 15-20m.  I’ve gotten maybe 400 words written in an hour.  That’s glacial for me.)

I just don’t know rn.  Maybe I’m overthinking everything, and hey maybe I’ll have something up this weekend.  I just...don’t feel very active, and after how active I’ve been I didn’t want to just vanish into this unintentional hiatus without any word why.  But I also haven’t exactly been able to say why, bc for over a week now everything’s been phone calls and messages and rehashing everything, and I’m so raw from it all.

But I’m here.  I’m just also...not here.  And I don’t know how long I’m gonna be that way.

[whenerosmetpsyche]

DIY Intuitive Horary for Pisces Season

It’s the end of the astrological year and we are in the middle of a Mercury retrograde. I've felt the need to quiet my mind and really feel into where I need to redirect my energy in preparation for the frenetic pace of Aries season. So to everyone who has asked me a horary question during my unintentional hiatus, I apologize. I could not answer over the past month plus for a number of reasons. One of them being the Saturn/Pluto connection that is manifesting as the Corona virus panic. I felt like I was tapping into that fear and I just couldn’t do it anymore. Since then I’ve been refocusing more on finishing school (another Saturn/Pluto activity) and letting the astrological weather work its magic in the back of my mind.

So as I have been studying and wondering how to get to the next phase in my life, an amazing insight came to me yesterday through a number of beautiful synchronicities. As I was sketching out my thoughts, I suddenly had the impulse to read the stars right then. The message I received was profound and so comforting to me that I wanted to share a part of the method I generally use so that all of you may receive some helpful Mercury retrograde messages from the stars this Pisces season (and beyond).

First off, this type of horary insight works best on something you have been pondering for a while. I receive the most meaningful insights when I am suddenly and clearly struck with the impulse to pull a horary chart for myself. 

When inspiration strikes, here’s what you do:

Simple Horary

1) Pull an astro.com chart for the exact time and location that the insight struck. I have an entry that I use for the moment and routinely edit the date and time on the spot.

2) Read the angles’ signs and degrees. 

The ascendant is you. Where is the ruler of the ascendant? That tells you what area of your life this read is concerned with. Depending on how well you understand astrology, the condition of the planet will give you more details.

The descendant is often a message of insight from the universe. Sometimes it’s a warning. Sometimes it’s the outcome. Again, look at the descendant’s ruler and its condition.

The MC tells of how your situation appears in the physical world.

The IC is a reflection of your feelings and of deep inner psychological changes associated with your question.

There are of course loads more we could read into a horary chart, but this is a great starting place. If you read Tarot, you can look at the angles similarly to a celtic cross and derive meaning that way as well (this is controversial, but I truly believe that life calls to us in the languages we speak).

3) Match the ASC/DESC and IC/MC degrees to a set of channeled symbolic messages derived from the zodiac. My favorite set are Sabian Symbols channeled by Elsie Wheeler and reinterpreted by Dane Rudhyar (probably the most widely known). A close second are the Lonsdale set (more straightforward and poetic). 

With the set you choose, look first at the ascendant angle. Remember, this represents you!

Add +1 degree -- so if your ascendant is at 6 degrees and 25 seconds, round up to 7. I also recommend that if the angle is in the first 5 seconds of any degree, to look at both messages.

Look up the other angles and identify themes among them. Are similar words used? Is there a unifying message among the stories? I also like to use numerology on the degrees -- I find the most meaningful messages will add up to the same number on both axes.

Occasionally I will look up the symbol for the degree an important planet is sitting in.

4) Finally, check the nodal axis, particularly the houses it lands in. This will give you an emphasis on the direction your concerns are taking you in. For example, a north node in the 4th house tells me that changes to my living situation and inner psyche -- even my close family will be most affected. 

Most importantly, start regularly pulling charts when your intuition is telling you to!

[scornfulsilverlining-blog]

Where Has Devin Been???

Hello everyone! What? I’m alive?! That’s right! You’re probably wondering where I’ve been though, right? Let me explain.

For starters, I never meant to take such a long break from my blog. When I first made this blog, however, I figured something like this would happen at some point. I’m a very busy individual and sometimes I accidentally let things slide. This is my hobby. While I feel somewhat bad for leaving for so long, at the end of the day, I’m glad I did give myself time to breathe and didn’t try and pile on replies while everything else was going on. It would have meant half-assed replies to my threads and that’s something I never want to do. I’m grateful that so many of you have stuck with me despite this unintentional hiatus. Thank you! I can’t promise something like this won’t happen again in the future, but I will try my best to update more often instead of remaining silent.

So, where have I been???

I decided to take a small break back during Christmas. It was the holidays and Winter Break, so I wasn’t too focused on my RP blog. I had some other projects to attend to as well. I was going to a con in January and I was making some of my cosplay myself. I also had commissions to do. So, I figured I would take a little break until the con was over and I had gotten started with my new semester of school to get into a rhythm. I also made a New Year’s Resolution to start going to the gym and being healthier after my surgery back in September. Another thing I did in January was sign up for Get Your Words Out where I pledged to write 200,000 words this year. Well, the con came and went and I got my commissions done. However, I felt like I was bombarded when February started.

I thought this semester was going to be pretty easy as it’s my last semester before graduation this May! But, I think I took things too easy because my grades started to slip. I was panicking and knew that I needed to spend more time working on assignments and studying to bring them back up to A’s. I eventually did this, but it took the majority of February for me to do so! I also celebrated my birthday then. A lot of the free time I had was then spent going to the gym because my PED class really motivated and inspired me to work hard. I’ve incorporated exercise and healthy eating into my life (lost 9 pounds so far yay!), which meant less time for RPing. At the same time, I got the biggest commission in my life. A client asked for a 30,000 word fic back in January, which I’m still working on! It’s the second largest thing I have ever written and whenever I had a moment of free time I worked on that. I didn’t even work my Spring Break in order to get that commission done and only got to 24,000. I’m glad that I was able to get such a large commission, but on the other hand, it has eaten away at my time. I’m hoping to finish it sometime this month, but we’ll see. That is my main priority right now.

Along with all that, I was also busy college searching this whole time! I got accepted into my top three schools and had to make a decision. I submitted a couple more essays to get into some of their programs and then I was actually invited to all of their scholarship weekends. I went to two in February back to back. I had no time those weekends because I was driving a few hours to and from the college and then they had my schedule entirely planned out from the moment I arrived to when I left. I attended another scholarship weekend in March, and finally, I attended another event right after that. I was so happy to be accepted by all my schools and get to experience their campuses as it really helped me make a decision. But, there was no time for anything else unfortunately. I now know where I’m going to college though in the fall, so I’m excited for that!

That’s just a small taste of my life from these past few months. A lot more has been going on, but those were the main things that kept me away from this blog. I’ve just felt like I’ve been completely swamped since January and only now is some of that pressure starting to come off. I honestly felt like a chicken with its head cut off for a while there! But, with the semester ending and this commission almost done, I’m hoping to get back into the swing of things.

As such, I know I have a lot of people waiting on replies! I will be doing them in chronological order of when I received them, so the people who have been waiting the longest will receive a reply first! I will try to get at least one out this week and we’ll go from there.

Once again, thank you all for sticking with me and I’m excited to be writing for Arturo again <3

[survivorreelsmagicwithin]

Episode 3- “Y'all wanted magic within and we delivered- case closed”-Autumn

Another super fun challenge! I want to shout out to the hosts for just doing a great job so far. This is making this quarantine just a little less terrible. So happy we have immunity and getting our first reward is so exciting! I’ve been trying my best to connect with members outside of my tribe in the great hall chat and get close with my tribe mates. For the most part I really trust all of them. And that’s horribly scary. I really love being on hufflepuff. But I have a feeling a swap is gonna happen. Kevin told me he thinks it’s going to be 2 tribes of 8. We will see. GL to slytherin and ravenclaw! 

HOES MAD 

https://giphy.com/gifs/lifeminute-birthday-rihanna-3fihINg62RNynS9cbY 

I'm so dead and drained rn but I look forward to reading this round and seeing how heated people are over this. And this will definitely follow me the entire game but you know what I'm glad. Don't let the 16 month hiatus fool you: when I show up I show out. Everything is mind over matter in a way and y'all caught me on a good day so I was just like fuck it I'll do this all day if I have to. So I walked into that challenge at 11:30 am and deadass my phone never left my side... for 9 1/2 hours. Also y'all know I'm at my best when I'm an underdog? So of course I went all out, please tell me you didn't expect anything less. And can I just say Gryffindor legitimately and collectively earned that because everyone participated and put points up. So yes I am that girl but I do it for the squad because I know they'll do it for me. BIG ups though to Vi and Jess- I don't care what their alliances were before today they better have each other's backs and I'll riot if they don't both survive. Literally do the right thing and send a man home. And the same goes for Ravenclaw! I wanna know what's going on over there and I'm not picky but send a man or inactive home if you can. Let it be known that I literally came into this game to raise hell for Dan and Owen lmaaaaooo. I mean I don't want them to go (yet) because that's not what good frenemies do and where's the fun in that. We make each other's arcs better and if we're cast, there will be a fight to the death sooner or later. But until then! Yes I am absolutely living for them sweating it out for a full round. Can y'all believe it? They finally lost at something God is so good. Would've loved to make Hufflepuff sweat too but hey. There's always next round

https://thumbs.gfycat.com/UnsungOblongBlesbok-max-1mb.gif

14 minutes later

Also I just wanna say that 6:00 hour was chef's kiss. In my entire org career, I have never been on a tribe that pulled off a shutout like that and that was ICONIC. Hoes mad but did your entire tribe come together and get a streak of points nonstop for upwards of an hour?? No ma'am you did not. I kept us alive all day but that hour was THE hour that took Gryffindor from 4th to 2nd and that's how you win immunity. Y'all wanted magic within and we delivered- case closed

I don't trust Nick at all. I know in the back of his mind he's thinking i'm gonna play like our previous game which I wasn't exactly loyal to him because I was loyal to some bitch ass alliance that ended up... ANYWAYS. So he seems like the type of player to keep that into consideration because he happened recently and he's sort of a newer player. So I have to be mindful of this all and as much as i'm STRESSING the fact that obviously there were external factors in that game.. that won't impact this game kind of a deal. I know this all could just be my paranoid little brain and thinking that he's out to get me when he's not.. but I haven't played any back to back games in FOREVER and when something THAT FRESH happens.. it's hard for me to not have the after thought of: Wow Nick must think i'm an loyal person who won't tell him my real thoughts. 

 But Nick gonna be a scary player down the line. He's already in my pm's bragging about how him, Landen, and I think his name is Matt? idk one of the "Weebz" (still don't know what that means) and how he will have those potential relationships moving forward.. I just... don't.... understand..... him. ANYWAYS

 The thing is... I think? I can trust Jacob fully. I think this vote SHOULD BE EASY.. but I can't help but feel really fucking bad. Like terrible. Like extremely heart broken about voting out VI. She's put her all into everything and honestly I would be so mad if i've given my all and these two dweebz didn't even show up to the comp. I know she's gonna be upset and I hate knowing that. So i'm TRYING to take emotions out of this decision and make this all strategical and within the game environment because if I was voting with my HEART i'd keep her. BUT then I have that voice in the back of my head that is saying "But if you save Vi.... she'll be loyal to you!" BUT ALSO... I know from HOSTING VI... is that Vi is only loyal to... the fun she has. If she gets bored she fucks around. She's a crackhead. But I obviously can't VOICE THIS TO ANYONE because they could flip this and reverse this on ME. 

I'm scared that if I cast any form of doubt about the vote to Jacob he will relay the message to Nick and well I become more threatening than Vi at this point because I pointed the gun at him... SO I was fucking around with the idea of... using my idol on myself, causing a 2 to 2 tie.. and well.. unless Jacob wants to go to rocks by himself... and basically get voted out.. Mr. Nick goes. But it's LITERALLY FINAL 18............ If this was final 11, sure i'd do this in a heart beat... but this is such a bad bitch move i'm scared people will see I got something on my resumé already. They'll see I went against an alliance for VI. It's just so risky.. but I told myself i'd have FUN in this game.. I just don't want to make a move purely on a past game or purely on emotion. I want to be making moves that move me forward in the game..

I LOVE JOANNA!!! THIS IS A JOANNA APPRECIATION POST!!!!!! and dan has the idol. 

Unsurprisingly, we lost the challenge. I worked my lil booty off as best as I could (I did give up but that is beside the point at this current moment) and I have been friendly, fricking nice as all hell, and then Miguel wants to vote me out. And honey... I think that sealed your fate. I am working on being a little more ruthless I guess because I really want to win this game, so if you come for me, you bet I'm coming for you. I've always made jury and I don't think that this is the season I'm getting stuck with pre-jury. Miguel is the only relationship I don't feel confident in so... bye sis. 

The immunity challenge was a hard-fought battle, but we managed to pull out a win near the end. It was the most stressful time of my life. Honestly, I felt that if we lost then I would get voted out next. Thankfully, that did not happen. However, this is a huge wake up call for me to get my ass into gear and start being more social with my tribe. Otherwise, I might find myself in the bottom and that is not a position I want to be in.

AHHHH so my tribe won immunity and reward and things are great!  Someone mentioned yesterday (Kevin?? Maybe) that this means we are the last tribe to have to see tribal council and that is a GREAT THING!  I really wonder who is going to go home- I just hope it isn't Owen.  I also really hope he still wants to work with me if we end up on a tribe together. In other news, I'm curious to see if a swap is about to happen.  With a double tribal happening tonight it seems as though it would be a big maybe! Also I'm still irritated that my glee shirt didn't count as a band tee, when everyone asks what kind of music I like the first thing I always say is 'anything by the cast of glee' xD I don't feel like I was much help in the challenge but I was there and got points for wine and sequins if that means anything. 

doing this ON TIME.. anyways chile. WOO WE DID IT! finally not coming in last hehe. god the amount of i was just frantically running around my house.. well thank god my family didn’t question it for the most part hehe. overall this challenge was super duper fun and i’m HOPING we can continue to win some because the stress of my tribe wanting to go against me.. yea it’s there. hopefully my paranoia is just that and i have nothing to worry abt ✨

Hey all you cool cats and kittens! It’s Dan, not Carole Baskin, but with the same crackhead energy. So Miss Miguel should be leaving tonight! It’s not anything personal at all. He’s a really sweet guy, but he’s just not around. I work mad hours a week and still make time for this stuff. Joanna is worried because she knows her name is going around so as long as she doesn’t try to pull something, everything is good. I think the chances of that happening are slim to none honestly. I feel like had I been able to compete in the comp I could have helped way more than others. I have a ton of random shit in my apartment that was asked for!!! I was a little shady toward Jacob in the Great Hall chat so lettuce pray that he doesn’t act like a petty fool if we swap together. I am kinda anticipating a swap after this tribal but we’ll see!!! 

we won immunity and nothing has changed on my tribe for me since my last confessional woo consistency yay c:

im sad. we have to vote out vi which is so sad. i love her shes so sweet but i have suhc a tight bond with jess and nick that like there isnt another option. but ugh someone hold my hand

Darn, we were so close to winning, yet so far. Always remember, the unintentional matsing is just as mighty as the intentional, so 3 of us making swap or merge is much more advantageous than a unit of 4. I love my tribe, I do, and I genuinely feel I may be in danger! I trust Jess and Jacob though (JJJ: Jess, Jacob, Jay), so I’m hoping for another unanimous decision. (I will probably be asleep at tribal since I have 1 hour of sleep today)

So out tribe basically gave everything they could in a 12 hour challenge of Hell. I tried especially hard thinking I would be voted out if we lost because no one really talks "game" with me. I know that side seasons are 'Survivor Lite' but typically people at least talk game. I know I wasnt the target from last vote because everyone assured me they want to work with me and Josh said to vote him out in the tribe chat. Apparently though Josh wanted to do a blindside and reached out to Autumn to let her know asking me if he had asked me. So honestly Autumn is the truest! The other two notnvoting me inlobe seeing but if Josh talked to them then... hm Anyway I cant play a perfect game anymore :( Also I have officially dug through all of Hagrids things and he has no idol for me. I thought he might have something in could take and use somewhere else since he is a keeper of keys. But naw.

Guess who lost by two points!! Fricking Nicholas and Jacob leaving us for 7 hours. Then nick only showed up for the last 3ish but he didn’t even submit anything. Wth? We’re gonna try to kick him out.

i love my tribe so much we keep having more and more fun each time :D i definitely think after max's april fools prank i'm even more inclined to want to vote him if we lose, but i'm also grateful he's not really gone because mayhaps a weeb alliance in the future is possible.... !!! i also always utilize the great hall segments to make myself known and thought about even if people also think i'm a bit annoying, idc, the main thing is they remember me and when we meet on a swap or something i am one of the first they choose to talk to! it is always an important strategy of mine, people don't realize that in big games, one of the most crucial things you can do is leave a big first impression on people on the other tribes, you have the lucky opportunity to get some spaces where you meet them in ORGs unlike in the real world - USE it to let them form an idea of you in their head and decide they like you before they even meet you, it's a weird phenomena but i've found it's one of my most consistent strategies, when i actually decide to employ it (flashback to me being so lazy in 2020 i barely even used one world.. eep) hufflepuff is cute and we WILL be continuing to make marshmallow moves, until i get to make my own independent marshmallow moves to win

Soooo we finally lost a challenge kfjahsdj time to put this alliance to the test! The answer seemed pretty clear to me though - everyone kinda just wants to do Miguel. I feel bad, because I do think these competitions have NOT played to his strengths at all and I know he can be a great competitor. And I really wanted to get to know him again this time around. For a second, Dan and I considered saving him as a loyal number... but I just can't do that to Joanna, who has rlly busted her ass lately. So tonight it's a harder choice than it seems, but ultimately, I'm going with Miguel, and I told him that. I really wish he would've put more effort into our conversations before he was in trouble lmao. Also, DAN FOUND THE IDOL HEHEHEEH so that's great :) Glad to know he trusted me enough to tell me about it! I think he's probably going to be pretty loyal this time to me? And I feel like I have to give that same courtesy back to him. Someone will probably take one of us out eventually. I rlllly do not want to stress. If for some reason they blindside me tonight or Miguel has another idol or something, it has been fun <3

[forlornmelody]

A Little Thank You for N7 Day

This won’t be terribly exciting. If you’re pressed for time, feel free to scroll past this one. 

I’m not sure exactly when I started playing Mass Effect for the first time. I want to say it was in 2015---*checks installation date* Holy shit, it was April 10th, 2016. One day before Shepard’s birthday. I swear that was completely unintentional. One of my roommates was fed up with seeing me play hundreds of hours in Skyrim so he sent me a bundle code to purchase the trilogy. And so it began. 

I didn’t really get the hype until I started Virmire. (I nearly quit while trying to rescue Liara on Therum. That Krogan battlemaster is something else.) I remember telling my friends how much I was liking Virmire. Everything was so pretty and tropical! My friends all gave me a blank stare. At that point I had no idea what Virmire would come to mean. I realized then that I had never come to love characters in a video game so much. I was genuinely torn as to save Ashley or Kaidan. From that point on I was hooked. 

Everyone told me that dying and staying dead was a thing in Mass Effect 2. I remember watching the Normandy explode and thinking Oh shit. I killed her already. What did i do wrong!? After Horizon I listened to all the break up songs as if Kaidan had broken up with me and not Shepard. I’ve never been so emotionally involved in a game, you guys. I think I finished the game within a month. Usually it takes me at least a year to finish a game. 

And then I got to Mass Effect 3. Aside from ruining my Jane Shep’s appearance, I loved every minute of that game. The highs of curing the genophage! The lows of losing Legion, Mordin, and Thane! (I think I cried during the last one.) The Mars mission was everything I hoped it would be. I finally got to tell my space boyfriend exactly how I felt about Horizon. It was deeply satisfying. All my friends told me to stop before the Earth mission, but I plunged on ahead anyway. I watched Shepard die to control the Reapers on Halloween night, 2016. I was devastated. I felt like I had lost a close friend. The following night Trump was elected to office in the US. It was a rough week, you guys. Then I found out that there was a bonus scene of Shepard if you scored high enough and chose the destroy ending. I immediately restarted ME2 and never looked back. 

I can’t say that Mass Effect changed my life in a huge way. It didn’t bring me a relationship (though I’m open to it with some qualifications.) It didn’t stop me from committing suicide (at least not directly.) But it did change my life for the better. 

About a year before I started playing Mass Effect, I was formally diagnosed with PTSD. I had seen a few portrayals in pop media, but very few were positive. None talked about recovery. And along comes Commander Shepard. Bioware didn’t do anything revolutionary with their portrayal of PTSD symptoms. We mostly saw nightmares. There were a few moments of Shep not being able to talk. Maybe a little dysphoria on the Cerberus base mission. But I got to see someone with PTSD save the galaxy multiple times over, and that was something. In January I started reading Mass Effect fanfiction while I was sick on and off for four  months. In those fics I got to see Shepard live and recover from most of her symptoms, and that was powerful. 

Soon enough I had so many plot bunnies in my head that I started writing my own fanfiction, after a three year hiatus. And I haven’t stopped. It’s provided me the chance to explore my own identity and work on my writing in a safe, anonymous environment. Fandom has kept me going on days where I felt really down and stuck. So thank you Bioware. Thank you Mass Effect fans. You’re the best.  Also, quick note. I love that Bioware didn’t change Shepard’s story a whole lot based on their gender. It was so awesome seeing Femshep treated as capable by her superiors, and a hero by those under her. Give me all the tomboyish characters. All of them. 

Another quick note-- Shepard’s birthday falls on a really shitty anniversary for me. A really traumatic anniversary. Because of Shepard, because of Mass Effect, I get to think about something positive on April 11th. And that is awesome. 

[hoodie-at-the-bar]

dude

He called me dude and I didn’t mind it. But let’s back up and do a first look at Ian.

Ian and I had actually matched back in January. I was vacationing in Cabo, so messaging cute boys seemed like a fun thing to do while poolside. 

He asked questions, talked about his day in detail, showed excitement - it was a friendly, kind back and forth. I came home from my trip and basically fell off, shamefully. I was on an unintentional dating hiatus from November to April. Five months to just enjoy my time and just be.

While I was Maria Kondo’ing my inbox on dating apps, I reached back out to Ian and apologized for my 3 month tardiness.The last message he had sent was asking me out for a drink. He was kind, and we jumped right back into talking

We continued to chat, and he asked me to grab a drink again - and I was on a kick of getting back to dating. Ian was attractive and we had a good back and forth. He also seemed to have a creative side with painting. That’s 3 out of 3.

Cabana Boy from the other night didn’t feel like it counted as a real go. Ian and I made actual plans to meet in daylight in a public place. We each suggested places and narrowed it down - and landed on Fiasco. Fiasco was a new restaurant in Wallingford, replacing Thackery - good brunch at Thackery, goodbye.

I got to Fiasco and went straight for the bar - it was very bright, with large windows filling the place with natural light. I put my bag down on a barstool and took out my phone to text him - just as a finger tapped me on the shoulder. I looked up and there stood a classic PNW guy: beard, flannel, and holding a book - I didn’t even notice the sandals right away. He had a big smile and immediately went in for a hug. Already I got good vibes from this guy.

We just immediately started talking - about our day, friends, activities, dating and just went back and forth. He was smart, mainly because he said I was smart - he knew what smart looked like. I had previously been teased over my over-analysis on people, things and any topics, but Ian seemed to eat it up. Was this a trap? Why was he interested in everything I had to say?

At one point I was talking about the difference between my two sisters. He ordered two drinks, and said he would have in his head which sister was which drink and after I tasted, I had to guess. Already I liked where his head was going. He then said he had something for me and gave me a few coasters 

“I give those out to everyone,” he said with a smile, proud of himself. 

“I am so not feeling special right now,” I replied with my shoulders shrinking.

He reached into his shirt pocket and said, “but these, I only give these out to a select few.” and handed me a card.

This guy. Either adorably silly, or annoyingly sure of himself. I wanted to beleive the former.

“If you only have a few, you should put ‘run numbers’ on the back, for true authenticity, and exclusivity” I was offering unsolicited advice.

“Do you have a pen?” Ian wrote the #1 on the back of the card and handed it back to me, so sure of himself. I still found it cute.

We just flowed well. We talked about the state of flow, our previous relationships - he was surprised. He had pegged me for a strong independent woman, so he was surprised how much the break up with Ben affected me. Hearing someone's opinion of my reaction to my relationship with Ben threw me off. I was young, it was ten years ago - and it was my first love. We covered a fair bit of this.

Turns out, I was Ian’s first online date - his first Tinder date. This made sense. I told him I noticed the first 30 minutes, he didn’t make very much eye contact: was he not into me? Intimidated? Or just new at this? He was just new.

He had relationship after relationship, never being single for too long. He is from Indiana, has a brother and a sister, and a mother who’s a nurse. His father passed away four years ago, tripped and hit his head and bled to death. I didn’t poke too much in on that trauma, but it was pretty harsh. He spoke very highly of his father before I knew he had passed. His father was an English teacher, and well read, and pretty well known - said a lot of politicians in Indiana showed up to the funeral.

Ian was also an artist. Though he was a bartender working four 10-hour shifts, He spent a lot of his time painting, selling a piece or two, but mainly he just liked it. Also made coasters out of scissors and glue. He said he needed a few different means of creative outlets - he plays drums, likes to cook and garden, make craft cocktails and paint. 

We had talked about expectations, and he showed me he was wearing Birkenstock. He also called me dude a lot - when I pointed it out he apologized, and joked maybe that’s why his last relationship ended. He reminded me of an attractive fun sweet guy who didn’t realize it.

We talked about the dating field a bit and I brought up the topic of paying for a first date - he stopped me and said “I’m paying for the drinks by the way.”

I asked him what three things about him may not be attractive to a woman, or rather, to me. He said he’s a dreamer, his heads up in the clouds. He said he is also not as analytical as me but the differences could be good. He talked about the manager at Canon (where he interviewed to be a bartender) told him you can’t have all scientists, or all artists. You need both. So he said I was the scientist and he was the artist, so we could work. But back to his flaws: he said the commute. He lived in West Seattle and I lived in Phinney - it’s funny because it’s not that big of a deal, but it can be a factor in some. 

Lastly, he pointed to the elephant in the room: “you are successful in your career - I’m guessing you own the house you live in?” whereas he pays $600 for an apartment owned by his ex-girlfriend's parents., and is a bartender. I immediately said, “But you have passion in your art, you have some ambition. As long as you are excited about something, that’s great”

Then it was my turn - I told him I was legally blind, I couldn’t swim, and I am not that girly. All things Ben has brought up to me as part of why he couldn’t be with mel. Ian didn’t seem to care about any of it - so far. I looked down, “I am wearing sneakers - but judging by your Birkenstock yeah maybe you don’t care I’m not in heels”

I was supposed to leave the date at 7pm, to go celebrate with my friend, Linn, who just became a citizen. He asked if I had one more drink in me  and I saw it was already 7 pm. He said it was okay, and I should go. But I was having fun… and that's rare. Ok - one more drink, and I can make it to Linn’s party by 8pm. My friends were super supportive of my quest for love. 

We talked some more, our body language slowly facing each other and we began to lean in. Going from two people sitting parallel, to now knees are interwoven, subtly touching, but we knew it and could feel it. We slowly moved in closer, when making points in our topics a slight touch of an elbow or shoulder. I asked, ‘what time is it?” and his eyes widened, and he put his credit card down. “You don’t want to know. - don’t look.”

It was almost 9pm! Somehow between “one more drink” and our chat, another 2 hours had gone by. He paid and I went to the restroom. I called a Lyft and he waited for me outside. I wondered why he didn’t offer to give me a ride, but maybe he didn’t know it was near or maybe he also Lyfted.

I texted him a bit later, and at first I thought his response was a bit flat. I called him out on it - because I felt we were there in the relationship already. He cleared it up real fast -

Just like that we had a casual back and forth - he even messaged me the very next day.

We established we wanted to see each other again - so he suggested we listen to music and cook something. We planned for Sunday and he offered to get off work a little earlier. Even though we had set the date, we continued to chat.

Ian said he was going to make me something, and asked me my favorite colors. Is he painting me something? I like where this is going.

-April 14, 2019

Date #1 w/ TDR Ian Painter Suitors in 2019 YTD: 3 Dates in 2019 YTD: 3

[cutiecrates]

Cutie Reviews: Tokyo Treat  22 Oct 17

Hello Cuties :D I’m back once again after an unintentional hiatus!

I’m way behind but to make it short and simple October was terrible this year and November is only slightly better. I tried to write this a few times but not only did I lose the work on my latest attempt, but the cold I got sometime during the weekend only made me have to slow down and just take a break.

I’m still sick but by now, the third-fourthish day I’m actually doing better enough to be able to comprehend when I’m doing. I’m able to focus again and don’t need a tissue every five seconds (maybe minutes, but not seconds!), and because I’m behind I know I have to get this done.

If anyone does read these I apologize for making you wait. It’s not intentional by any means.

Without further ado-lets get on with the review ♥

Oh, before I begin I’d like to mention that I decided to try a different setting. So pardon the mess you might see in these upcoming images. I probably won’t be doing this again.

Do you see what I see Cuties?! Another one Piece item?? It’s our bonus item for the month: One Piece WAX PAPER. This black, white, and red Wax Paper makes not only a colorful baking accessory, but a fun gift wrapping or present bag stuffing :D It features Luffy’s current group (and Trafalgar Law, my favorite character ♥) literally covering every. single. inch.

Rating: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ 

Wax paper is wax paper. But it’s also very handy and can be used in many ways if you really try. I like how versatile it is, and as a one piece fangirl I’d love it even if it only featured Luffy and was kind of terrible quality. I know, totally biased :p

Besides the One Piece wax paper, we also get this cute Hana Kappa Bubbly Drink. As usual I will be covering that in a separate post to focus on the snacks and treats already presented to us within the box (and that pesky image limit).

I wish I still had our drink now though, it was delicious and I have no doubt it would have been heaven on my sore throat~

The Melon Soda Jelly Drink is pretty much self-explanatory. It’s a liquidy jelly of melon flavoring and soda texture embedded with bits of nata de coco, Jelly-like sweets found in some Asian desserts and cold treats.

As I wasn’t entirely sure how to read the directions and the booklet not telling us what to do with it, I just poured it into a cup as you can see (that and I wanted a picture of the product), and played with a little. 

Ranking: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ 

I like melon-flavored things, cold soda drinks, and jellies, of course I’d like it ♥ The melon flavor was strong and I liked the fizziness especially!

I can’t really guarantee you would like this if you don’t like melon things, but I still think trying it could be fun, for the experience you know? It’s that logic that makes me continue to go back to cold or chilled noodles despite hating them. Now if it was a tomato or onion drink that would be a different story...

Now, usually I try to save the savory or crispy snacks for last but I decided hey, lets be different today. After all, we got offered some unique snacks, three of which were from the Dagashi mix, including our first contender, thin wafer-like Corn Potage Potato Snack. 

Ranking: ♥ ♥ ♥

Sometimes wanting is better then having. I mean they weren’t bad, but I can’t say it was the best or most memorable corn snack I ever had. The flavor didn’t particularly strike me as strong in flavor like in most corn snacks, but I also prefer lighter snacks like this most of the time, nothing heavy or break your teeth hard.

Speaking of mouth pains, we also got this really chewy Squid Jerky. After having such a good experience in the past I had high hopes for this.

Ranking: ♥ ♥

The second I put it in my mouth = instant regret. I hate seafood but I still try to be fair and give it a chance, I really do. But not only was the flavor really strong, it was ultra-chewy x_x I felt like I was chewing on a rubber band, despite only eating half of it. I couldn’t even eat it because everything in me was rejecting it honestly. If you like seafood or squid good for you, but you’d be better off eating a rubber band then this.

Following these are the Paripipo Avocado Cheese Potato Snack, another light and crisp treat, this time by Tohato featuring a half-cheese and half-avocado coloring and flavor. It’s pretty fun to look at it, but the taste is probably acquired at best.

Ranking: ♥ ♥ ♥

I have to admit, as much as I love cheese and thoroughly enjoy avocado, these aren’t my favorite. They’re not bad but the taste is interesting, to say the least. I feel like this would be a mixed opinion snack among several people.

Lastly in this snack group is our monthly Umaibo. It’s a squash-pumpkish sort of flavor I determined from the package, but it actually reminded me a lot of the Corn flavored umaibo I’m obsessed with :D

Ranking: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ 

I can’t say its accurate in terms of flavor (because it might very well be for all I know), but it tasted good and ultimately that is what matters to me.

For that surprise factor we also had some Halloween-based items to look forward to. As much as I love Halloween, I was a bit concerned over what we would get because Halloween-themed candy tends to be gross or in some shape or form and I’ve expressed my disinterest in such things before.

As such I wasn’t too crazy for these items, except for the one item because I like vampires, and gum ♥ 

First is the Horror Mask Mint. Basically it’s a zombie eye mask that comes with a pouch of tiny apple-flavored candies (which are known as mints in Japanese products).

Ranking: ♥ ♥ 

Definitely a gimmick item and one that failed to really leave any sort of lasting effect on me. I do like that they tried though, and the little candies taste pretty good. The product reminded me of Resident Evil/Biohazard, not really a game series I was into, but I’ve seen candy products by them and as someone who loves video games I think it’s pretty cool.

(When I was younger, one of my favorite candies were these nintendo character gummies, and I’m a sucker for anything with Mario or Sonic on it!)

We also got a little box of gum themed after vampires! It was one of the Dagashi items and this I’ve seen mixed opinions over, so I was a bit skeptic to try it out myself. The gimmick behind it is essentially that if you chew them your mouth is supposed to look bloody, due to the red coloring hidden in them.

Ranking: ♥ ♥ ♥

The gimmick itself is weak if I’m being honest. I tried 1 piece to start with, then upped it to 3 and it doesn’t actually do anything. I’ve heard poor opinions about the gum but the quality and flavor is actually pretty good. It tastes like cola and the gum is on the softer side; just how I like it~

Lastly we have the Zombie Maker Gum. A “fun” little gum and sticker set that I believe was in last years Tokyo Treat as well. It’s semi well-known, I’ve seen it on youtube quite a few times and it never once appealed to me. I know I sound terrible, but I’m not one of those people who thinks of gross things as fun or exciting to try. They repel me.

Ranking: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

In terms of design it grosses me out and I was more than happy to toss the leftover stickers and packaging when I finished taking pictures (I did keep my little fisherman zombie tho). It’s not my favorite item by far, BUT I ranked it well because I feel like this weird little candy sort of defines Halloween. It’s gross and creepy sure, but it also came with a yummy piece of gum and I do like the creativity value behind it. While it doesn’t appeal to my taste, I can understand why others might like it.

Next are these three Lotte items (and one of my cats, Oreo). These were made as a tie-in with the similar themed eatery in Japan (I can’t remember the exact location but I saw the shop and items from a Youtuber I’m subscribed to), all featuring colorful and cute girlish monsters and foods.

These aren’t really new by any means or feature special flavors. They’re just basic chocolate with themed packaging or designs. But that’s okay because chocolate ♥ plus Koala’s March is one of my favorite snacks. With it we also have the Toppo and Pie No Mi.

Ranking: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ 

All three of them will be sharing this ranking since I came to a realization while writing this. Essentially when you think about it, each snack is the same for this month. They each come in a flaky or biscuit/pastry-like shell and have yummy chocolate in them.

There isn’t really anything I can really say or remark upon with these since I reviewed them before. I really like the adorable Halloween themed boxes though, and since it’s a yummy product I’m not really complaining.

We’re nearing the last few items of the box. These were some fall-themed snacks they included for this month, including a Waraku No Sato Chestnut Yokan, Yokan is a jelly, paste-like snack made from mashed red beans, sugar, and agar, and usually flavored with chestnut pieces or other items. It was recommended you try it with green tea- but as I don’t like it I skipped that option. 

Ranking: ♥ ♥ ♥ 

It’s a unique treat for sure, and the flavors are light and sweet on the tongue. I’m not a huge fan of beans in general, but it’s still worth a try if you’re ever given the chance.

Do you Cuties remember how I mentioned “breaking your teeth“ earlier? Yeah. Well good news, that brand from last months or Augusts box is back! 

Sarcasm, dear readers.

This month we get to try the Satsumanma Sweet Potato & Apple Chips.

Ranking: ♥ ♥ ♥ 

Like last time it sounds delicious, but unlike last time these actually seemed a bit easier on the teeth. There was a mixture of really hard pieces among softened pieces and apple. While I prefer the texture of this bag, I liked the flavor from the other one more. 

Lastly are the Harvest Mont Blanc Choco Sandwich. I tried this brand before (there was a lot of repetition in this box, did you notice that?), but I can’t say I eat many chestnut or mont blanc-flavored things, so I’m willing to overlook such things.

Ranking: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

The cookies are on the “crunchy” side, while the mont-blanc cream is sweet, but not overly. It made me think of Chestnut-flavored marshmallow whip or cream. Absolutely heavenly~    

And here we are, at our final two items. One of which is another Dagashi Halloween item, the other are these sweet MogiMogi Fruits Gummy. I’ve seen it several times before, but I couldn’t bring myself to try it since I didn’t really think anything special about them- despite the appealing flavors of Grape, Muscat, and melon soda.

Ranking: ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ 

Of course I was wrong ♥ it’s not only delicious, but the inspiration and design of the gummy also makes it a little fun as well. You can eat each flavor separately, or combine them and still get something sweet~

Finally, we reach the Halloween Stamp Candy. When I was younger stamp candy was fairly popular, and oddly enough the base flavoring still tastes the same after all these years. However, these are orange-flavored, featuring cute Halloween shapes on the front of a purple section.

Ranking: ♥ ♥ 

They’re fun, you can stamp your mouth or whatever else. The orange also tastes pretty yummy- although the purple part not-so-much. It tastes... nasty, like something toxic.

♥ Cutie Ranking ♥

Quality - 4 out of 5. For the price we pay I felt like we got a lot of small or cheap items this month, but at the same time we also got some big items too. Everything was okay. 

Content - 3 out of 5. As you saw a lot of items got mid-low rankings. I didn’t really hate anything (except for that squid jerky stuff), but at the same time I found myself not very pleased with the basic chocolate items from Lotte, the mask and mint set and Zombie maker pack wasn’t my cup of tea either. The stuff I did really like was amazing though, like the grape gummies, melon soda jelly, mont blanc cookies. I was left feeling conflicted here...

Theme - 4 out of 5. I won’t deny that there was a great deal of Halloween stuff here- especially in comparison to my other boxes. If the stuff wasn’t Halloween themed it seemed to be heavily fall-ish, which is also a pass in my book since Fall/Autumn lasts until December.

Total Rank: 11 out of 15 Cuties. I think I liked it about the same, or perhaps a little better then last months box. Again I was fairly conflicted throughout the entire review. I do love this box though, so I have no intentions of saying “it sucked, don’t waste your money buying it“ because it doesn’t suck at all. Some boxes are just better then others, you grow to accept that as you get them.

♥ Cutie’s Scale of Yummy ♥

(As usual I don’t count the non-edibles or DIY here)

1. Melon Soda Jelly - Hands down the best item, and probably my most favorite drink out of every other type I ever got yet! Even if you don’t like melon you might actually enjoy this, if not for the Melon, maybe its unique texture.

2. MogiMogi Fruits Gummy - I’ve been other this, I love grape gummies! I used to be dismissive towards this treat but I realized just how wrong I was~

3. Umaibo - While I’m not sure the flavor synced up with what was written on the wrapper, I still really liked it. It reminded me so much of the corn potage ones I’m obsessed with.

4. Mont Blanc Choco Sandwich -  They were lightly sweet so they didn’t taste cloyingly. I loved the creamy inside~

5. Koala’s March - I eat these ALL THE TIME, but they are one of my favorite snacks, so...

6. Chocolate Pie no Mi - Delicious, but nothing really new. 

7. Apple Sweet Potato Chips - Ahhhhh, not as good as the previous ones, but they were easier to eat. This brand is terrible for my teeth...

8. Chestnut Yokan - Not bad, not the best, but worth trying :D

9. Corn Potage Potato Snack - I usually rank corn-anything high on the chart but these weren’t that great.  

10. Vampire Gum - The gimmick kind of failed but the gum tastes good!

11. Halloween Candy Stamp - As stated, the orange was delicious but the stamp part tastes toxic >x<

12. Chocolate Toppo - In comparison to the other two lotte products these have the least taste. 

13. Avocado Cheese Snack - I had middle opinions about these, but several items just tasted a lot better. 

14. Zombie Maker Gum - you get one, thin little sheet gum that loses flavor fairly quickly. It didn’t taste bad though.

15. Horror Mask Mint - The mints were okay, nothing to write home about.

16. Squid Jerky - The seafood flavor was too strong DX

At any rate that will be doing it for another review. Believe it or not I spent ALL DAY writing this. Usually it doesn’t take longer then maybe two hours; but because of the cold I’ve been doing a lot of resting today, mainly catching up on the sleep I missed the past few days.

But I am getting better- thankfully. Thursday is thanksgiving, Friday is my moms birthday, and on Saturday I need to work. I also plan on trying to either get another review done since as I stated, I’m really behind. So here’s hoping I can manage to play catch up and get better soon!

Until next time, stay healthy cuties! 

Oh, and if you celebrate Thanksgiving I hope you have a nice one :D