#back from my unintentional 3 month hiatus

[connectingconstellations]

If your own windows are glass, ch. 18

“I just want it noted, for the record, that this was your idea," he said, sounding resigned.

and of course ao3 was down all afternoon while I tried to post this lol

[midnight-mourning]

*Taps mic* Heard y'all like Moon around here, you're in luck, this one's for you

massive, MASSIVE thank you to @lunarmoves for beta-reading this chapter!!

She put a lot of time and effort into making my BS readable for y'all and it's greatly appreciated <3 <3 <3

Shay also makes really good dca stuff (also sebastian solace but I know very little about the fish tbh) and you should check her out!

Also, happy 200k+!!! We're only 297k from truly becoming the 500k enemies to lovers slowburn of our dreams lmaoooo

But for real I apologize for such a delay with this one. If you'd like to hear my excuses/reasoning they're below the cut, or you can just go read the chapter whatever suits ya ^-^

Tag list (if you would like added please see this post for more info):

@scarletcowboy @beemyhuneybee @fishm0ther @deviouscrackers @elsajoyagent8

@luckyyyduckyyy @zenkaiankoku @jogimote @local-shrub @amarynthian-chronicles

@robinette-green @everlightreader @sinister-sincerely @starredeclipse @dangerva

CW: medical stuff & additionally a bit of unreality mentions

Okay going to try and keep this simple bc I've said parts of it before

So as most of you know, I've been sick for 3 months now

I've now been on two rounds of steroids, and currently on my third round of antibiotics, which are basically keep me fucntional, not improving

besides general discomfort and pain, my memory has been pretty shot at times, I will go through the day and barely remember what I did/what I'm doing/what I need to do

as someone who had brain fog caused by covid a few years ago, this was genuinely a scary experience because ultimately, this has been worse

i've felt out of control of my body, having times where I'm mid thought and then instantly lose it

this is not my normal, I usually pride myself on my memory, so losing it has been incredibly devastating and scary

this was not helped by the fact that the quick care I went to (THREE TIMES for this) basically kind of sort of tried to gaslight me into believing nothing could be done and that it's not an infection

so not only has this entire thing has gotten dragged out so much more, which makes me sad tbh, but I've also felt like I've been going crazy bc it felt like no one was believing me when i said I was sick and not getting any better (including friends, family, coworkers etc, though unintentional on their parts to be fair)

I feel like I've lost three months of my life and coming to terms with that has been, yeah

on top of all that, I'm still in school AND doing grad stuff, and while the school side of things has been okay (thank god), grad's had it's moments, won't get into it but have had multiple issues with my advisor that have been at times just really tough to deal with

Confused spirit got pushed to the back burner, because i quite literally at times could not think, and when it comes to this fic, where there's multiple ongoing plot threads, characterizations, lore, and so on to keep track of, it was just, impossible to me to even consider writing for it

having shorter stuff like promptober, the oneshots and such was great to keep me writing, and also still interact with everyone in the community, plus i had a lot of fun with them so that helped too

this is all to say that I do sincerly apologize for the delay, and at the very least I should've clearly communicated about there being a hiatus, when this all started I thought i'd be down for two weeks max, then as that time kept increasing I just kept putting it off and putting it off because i thought i was going to get better, and then I didn't

I do this for fun and for nothing else, fic writing isn't content (it's engaging with fandom) and i have to remind myself of that sometimes but given that I've been around in some capacity on and off I feel I should've said something in some regard

Having said all that, I'm doing okay now! Still sick, but as long as I'm on meds I'm functional, stuff is getting managable with grad, and hopefully have some fun things coming up irl! Point is, the last three months haven't been the best, but they've been alright, due in part to all the support you all have given me, so thank you for that, can't say it enough :)

Okay, I think that just about covers it, thank you for taking the time to read all of this if you did <3

[antiquarianfics]

Taken pt. 10

If Bucky Barnes could time travel, he would go back to that morning. He would hold you a little tighter in his arms, and he would kiss you a little deeper. He would pull your daughter in between the two of you, letting her giggle as loudly as she wants whilst her parents kiss her cheeks and tickle her belly. If Bucky Barnes could time travel, he would have told you not to go to the park—to go anywhere else. But Bucky Barnes can’t time travel, and his wife and daughter are gone.

a/n: sorry for the hiatus. here’s this. it’s not proofed. yay!

warnings: swearing, blackmail, mention of murder, themes of conspiracy, canon typical violence.

note: I do not own the character Bucky Barnes or any other Marvel affiliated characters. Any and all characters are a work of fiction and any likeness to real persons is wholly unintentional.

You do not have permission to copy, translate, or repost my work; however, feel free to like, comment, and reblog.

»»———-———-———-———-———-———-———-««

previous part | series masterlist | next part

»»———-———-———-———-———-———-———-««

“Well, my targets are gone,” you sigh, glancing down the hallway you had seen Steve run. You click your tongue and return your focus to Bucky, shaking your head slightly.

“Sorry, honey,” you say, knocking him out.

—

Bucky comes to with a groan, sitting up from his position on the floor, a hand holding his head. He blinks a couple of times, scanning the room for any sign of you. You’re nowhere to be found. Shaking his head, he pulls himself off the ground, and starts heading to the meetup spot he and Steve had agreed on months ago in case Becca had to be taken somewhere safe.

As Bucky travels, he replays the conversation he’d had with you. Why the hell would you bring up a Greek myth? He struggles to make any sense of it, but then his brain picks out a particular part of your story:

“Orpheus didn’t get a second chance to save Eurydice. Zeus killed Orpheus because he was afraid Orpheus would tell the humans all the secrets of the Underworld. Some versions say that the Muses kept his head, though, to sing songs forever. They managed to hear his voice even after he died.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Don’t turn around, James.”

Your warning—“Don’t turn around, James”— was certainly a code. After all, if you had struck a deal with Frost, and if you were working with HYDRA, then you were probably being watched, listened to. You couldn’t speak freely. But why Orpheus and Eurydice? Why that story?

“Don’t turn around, James.”

Orpheus turned around… Why is that important?

“Don’t turn around, James.”

“This has to be a metaphor for us,” Bucky thinks. “Does she mean I’m Orpheus, then? Eurydice was trapped in the Underworld… Y/N is trapped by HYDRA… Does she mean to stop looking for her? Or does she mean to trust she has a plan? That she knows what she’s doing?”

Zeus killed Orpheus because he was afraid he would tell all the secrets of the Underworld.

Then, it clicked. Bucky isn’t sure exactly what it is that changed how he interpreted your story, but, suddenly, everything made sense:

1. Chance one to save Y/N: Russia. I didn’t save her. I only saved Becca. She is saying I don’t get another chance to try for her.

2. Y/N is picking off people Frost is afraid will come between him and HYDRA. Right now, I’m not apart of that list. Proof: She let me go. If I attempt a second rescue, she will have no choice; they will tell her to take me out. Besides that, they will certainly threaten Becca, and we agreed when she was born that Becca always comes first.

3. The muses kept his head? They won’t kill me. She doesn’t want me to come after her because they will just capture me. She won’t give me up, but she’s more likely to slip up if it comes to me. A slip up is more likely to lead to… They’ll wipe me. She doesn’t want me to come after her because they’ll wipe me if they capture me.

Bucky sighs as he arrives at the rendezvous he and Steve had agreed on. He feels a little better now that he understands more of what you were saying, but he still feels like there is a piece of the puzzle missing.

—

The team goes into hiding. You had revealed a lot about the dangers of HYRDA’s plans, but they still know so little. The team knew you had targets—important targets—that you were being forced to eliminate. They discerned the targets were people HYDRA feel are threats against their mission, but they still don’t have a definite list.

“We’re sitting ducks!” Tony shouts angrily into the room.

“Stark,” Fury says gravely, “watch it.”

“I’m sorry, but we are. We have no new intel. HYDRA is AWOL. The world is looking at us to do something, and we’ve got nothing.”

“Buck,” Steve says, “did Y/N say anything else that might give us a clue as to who she’s after?”

Bucky sighs, thinking back over the whole interaction from the moment you got there to the moment you knocked him out. It was as he replayed your conversation on the roof that it clicked: the missing puzzle piece. Bucky meets Steve’s eyes.

“She told me who she’s after.”

“Well?” Tony questions impatiently. “Who?”

“When I met her on the roof,” Bucky says, “Y/N told me she was marking 3 names off her list. That means her next three targets were in the Compound.”

“FRIDAY,” Tony says, “get me a list of every person who was in the Compound at the time of the break in.” FRIDAY responds in the affirmative.

“Then,” Bucky continues, “she asked me…” Bucky trails off as he tries to remember how exactly you worded the question. “She asked me: ‘You’re not all that close to Captain America, are you?’

“I thought it was weird how she worded that. I’ve known Steve longer than anyone, and it was weird she called him ‘Captain America.’ But that was her clue. HYDRA has no problem with Steve Rogers—”

“But Captain America has been ruining their plans since the ‘40s,” Steve says, arms crossed as he puts together what Bucky is saying. Bucky nods.

“So the other two targets have to have been in the Compound at the time of the attack, and they have to be people that have significantly messed with HYDRA somehow,” Sam thinks aloud.

Bucky thought. Who else could HYDRA consider a threat to their cause? Who else has been foiling HYDRA’s plans time after time? Bucky scanned the room, eyes carefully considering each person. It could be any of the Avengers, he thought, but then you would likely have more than 3 targets. His eyes settle on Fury. Bingo.

“Fury’s a target.”

All eyes are on Bucky.

“How you figure?” Someone asks. Bucky doesn’t clock who, his mind still attempting to fit puzzle pieces together.

“Captain America is an obvious choice. It can’t be another Avenger because you’ve done equal damage to their cause. It’s not me because they don’t want me dead—I’m valuable to them. But Fury? Fury created the Avengers. Fury is the leader. He’s also the director of SHIELD: HYDRA’s number 1 obstacle. It makes sense.”

Fury hums in agreement. “Rogers and I make the most sense. We still have a third target to identify, though.”

Bucky nods in acknowledgment, but his eyes settle on Coulson beside Fury.

“Coulson.”

Coulson’s eyebrows shoot up in surprise, as if he never would have expected he could be so important to Bucky. He swallows and composes himself, and when he speaks, he is calm, confident.

“I do make sense. My team and I have given HYDRA a real headache, and, like Fury, I’m the leader.”

—

With a list of targets that the team was agreed upon and confident in, it was time for a plan. They’d been idle too long. The plan is simply to get you back first, stop HYDRA second, but the way Bucky see is it, you are crucial to Frost’s plan. If they get you, Frost will be scrambling.

“Okay, team,” Steve says into a huddle. “Stick to the plan. The tip we sent out says I’ll be on a solo recon mission, so they’ll be waiting. Y/N will be waiting.

The goal is to get Y/N and bring her home.”

“And we’re sure she’s not just going to kill you?” Sam asks, facetiously. Bucky scowls.

“We have to hope that she really is just playing HYDRA’s game to stay alive,” Steve says solemnly.

—

“Any sign of her?” Natasha asks into the coms.

“No,” Clint says.

“Redwing and I got nothing,” Sam says.

The coms go silent as the team waits. Steve carefully walks through the hallways of the abandoned HYDRA facility. He’s careful—he half expects you to step out of nowhere and shoot at him.

He turns the corner into what appears to be the facility’s security room. Computer monitors line the walls, each showing different hallways or facility entrances. The room is bland and dark except for the monitors and the light emitting from them.

Steve’s eyes take in the security footage, the room, and the woman sitting in a large desk chair in front of the monitors, legs propped up on the desk the security equipment rests on.

“Y/N?” Steve asks.

“You found her?” Bucky asks quickly, heartbeat picking up. He had been ordered to stay behind in the quinnjet, but if Steve found you, he’s leaving.

“Hi, Cap,” you say pleasantly. “Been a while.”

“You tried to kill me a week ago.”

You frown. “You still mad about that?”

Steve scoffs. “Y/N, what’s going on?”

“What’s going on, Captain America,” a third voice chimes in, “is the fall of the Avengers, of SHIELD, and the rise of HYDRA.”

“Frost,” Steve says, presuming he’s meeting the “mastermind” behind the whole endeavor.

“Captain Rogers,” Frost says with an over animated grin. “A pleasure!”

Steve turns back to you, ignoring Frost’s greeting. “You missed.”

“I won’t miss this time,” you say, the corner of your mouth twitching.

“I don’t doubt it,” Steve replies. “I’ve never known you to miss. Best sniper on the team.”

“Steven,” you say, an edge to your voice that confuses Steve. He opens his mouth to answer, but the sound of a gun cocking beats him to it.

Behind Steve, and then behind Frost, stands Bucky; he has a gun to Frost’s head. It’s clear that Bucky had snuck up on him.

“Well! Isn’t it nice of you to join us, Sergeant Barnes,” Frost says. “I just love a little family reunion. Tell me, how is the Mini Asset? Hmm?”

Still holding the gun to Frost’s head with his right hand, Bucky’s left hand goes around Frost’s throat.

“Watch it.”

“Buck, we need him alive,” Steve warns. Bucky releases Frost’s neck. However, in the small amount of time that this interaction took place, Frost had, unbeknownst to the three of you, snuck something out of his pocket.

“Well, this has been fun. I’m sure we will meet again soon,” Frost’s tone is sardonic. “Just know, Captain Rogers, Sergeant Barnes, that you may have gotten your little bitch back today, but this is far from over. HYDRA will rise again. SHIELD will fall.”

Then, Frost throws what he had pulled from his pocket to the ground and smoke quickly billows up into the room, filling your lungs and making you cough. You hear footsteps—Frost running. He must have taken Bucky by surprise, too.

When the smoke clears, you face your husband and run into his arms for the first time since being kidnapped.

—

After being rescued from Frost, Bucky and the team take you back to the Avengers’ makeshift headquarters. They (with profuse apologies) blindfold you on the way so that you’re not able to leak any information if you have actually turned against them, or accidentally give something away if HYDRA is watching somehow.

“I’m sorry, Doll. Y’know I trust you with my life, but we gotta be sure,” Bucky says. You rest your hand on his and squeeze.

“It’s fine. I understand.”

Upon your arrival to the HQ, you’re taken to an interrogation room where Fury and Coulson ask you about the kidnap, the torture, the deal you struck, HYDRA’s plans, and everything else up to your rescue. They hook you up to a lie detector machine, even, and ask you if you are working with HYDRA, if you had gone dirty.

“I promise I only did what I had to survive and to keep my daughter alive. I had to do what HYDRA asked. They’re everywhere. They’re within SHIELD, even. I didn’t know who could hurt her,” you swore.

When Fury and Coulson are finally finished interrogating you, they tell you they think you have a chance of being acquitted. You were a prisoner of war, and, surely, the U.S. government would see that. However, until then, you were in SHIELD’s custody and to be locked up. You agree without protest.

As you’re walking out of the interrogation room, hands cuffed in front of you, you see Bucky holding a sleeping Becca in his arms waiting for you. Your eyes widen.

“What is she doing here?” You panic.

Bucky frowns. “I thought you might want to see her. She misses you.”

“Bucky, if she sees me right now, what will she think? I’m handcuffed. The last time she…” You trail off. “I don’t want to see her. Just… put her to bed. Give her a kiss for me. Tell her I love her. Don’t bring her by my cell.”

Bucky says nothing as a couple SHIELD agents lead you away.

—

It takes 2 months for you to be acquitted. You stay locked up in a SHIELD cell, refusing to see your daughter, barely speaking to anyone for 2 months. When you are finally acquitted, it is because a private grand jury hears your testimony, Becca’s testimony, and the testimony of the Avengers’, security and personnel from the White House there the night you assassinated the president, and the families of the deceased. The ordeal is heart wrenching. You are sentenced to a year of probation (including not going on missions as an Avenger) and weekly court mandated therapy, but you are free.

When the judge tells you, “Mrs. Y/N L/N-Barnes, you’re a free woman,” you let out a sob and feel yourself yanked into a firm chest that you’d recognize anywhere: Bucky.

“You’re okay, sweetheart. You’re coming home.”

»»———-———-———-———-———-———-———-««

@just-henny @jasminocano @browneyedgirl22-blog @barnesboo1967 @matchat3a @unkasworld @qwertyb2577 @raajali3 @yoruse @iilsenewman @alysianc @fairytalegirlofurdreams @marvelxlevram @casa-boiardi @buckybraneslover111 @hhiggs @smolracoon25 @questionableratatouille00 @heytheredemonsitsyourgirl @thearieunhinged @sebastianstansource @middaystarlight @talesofadragon @killerwendigo @ozwriterchick @kandis-mom

[wanderlust-in-my-soul]

Currently Watching - March

Just a little PSA - I am on a little hiatus until April the 9th. I have some personal stuff to deal with, but nothing bad 😁 Positive all the way and good for my personal growth!

I won't be able to gif any of the series for the time, but I will watch them and perhaps write down some thoughts 😊 And if you want me to gif some scenes, just let me know and I will get to them when I am finished with my stuff 😊 And of course I will still reblog stuff from all of these wonderful creators on this site!

Please stay healthy and happy!

Because I love a good little list - in alphabetical order! 😊

Regularly updated during the month, latest update 31.03.2023

This may contain spoilers!

1. A Boss and A Babe (5/12 on Youtube)

I am not the biggest fan of ForceBook, mostly because I didn't like Enchanté, but I could help myself and smile troughout this series. Cher is annoying, but it works here, I guess? I don't know what it is. It is fun to watch.

2. Bed Friend (6/10 on iQiyi)

The trauma is strong in this one! As are the tension and longing looks of King. And Uea is beautiful and knows how to play the game.

3. Chains of Heart (6/10 on iQiyi)

Cinematography and scenery - stunning! Really pretty and dark and atmospheric. I guess I get used to the subtitles and the acting improved. So I kind of like this one? I definitely have a weak spot for Mr. Lue.

5. Past Senger (4/12 on Gaga)

What the mess did I just watch? It was boring and funny and cringy and funny and I don't know...Do I like the vibes it gives away? We will see. Episode 2 didn't help! It is really cringy and the acting is...not that good -.-

6. The Eighth Sense (2/10 on Viki)

I like the first two epsiodes. I have a weak spot for surfing ever since the movie Shelter and this is just a dream came true. I am curious about the characters and their developement. But the cliffhanger from episode two was brutal!

7. The Promise (5/10 on WeTV)

I like it. Are there cringy moments? Yes. Are there slapstick moments I can hardly deal with? Yes. Are there plotholes that bug me? Sure...but! I like it. I like Nan and Phu together and I love the slow burn and am I well entertained. I also enjoy little Party being the jealous king he is, who deeply care for Nan and if latter would choose him, i wouldn't be that angry!

8. Tin Tem Jai (5/10 on Gaga)

And we took 45 steps back and the show is kind of annoying like before...Tin can't stop aksing Park to marry him and it gets to a point where it just annoys the crap out of me. But Park can't say a clear word so what do we do here? Just let him date the cute senior.

9. Unintentional Love Story (6/10)

Okay, I am in love with this one. I know it will hurt when the truth comes out, but I am willing to get hurt for them. The chemistry is wild between them and I am looking forward to the second couple!

Finished in March

Series

1. History 5: Love in the Future (10/10 on Viki)

I really don't like it. the plot was stupid and boring. The plotholes big and heavy like black holes. The chemistry...I don't like it either in the end. Vincent was the only reason I was looking forward to this one. And the whole time travel thing was just so stupid and irrelevant! It could have been good, but it wasn't. 3 out of 10 for me.

2. Utsukushii Kare Season 2 (4/4 on Gaga)

I fell in love with Kiyoi, especially in the last two epsiodes. I am curious about the upcoming movie. The season was good and most of all in the end with a kind of good communication. 7 out of 10 for me.

3. Moonlight Chicken (8/8 on Youtube)

I love it! It has everything I can dream of in a series. It has beautiful cinematography and scenery. The acting was top. The story...so good! All the stories were just so good! I love EarthMix and they delivered. And I love GeminiFourth and they delivered too. They had to deal with endings and letting go and new beginnings and angst and grief and hope and joy and happiness and love and everything! Just everything! Definitely a 10 out of 10 for me!

4. Island Part 2 (4/6 - non bl)

It was not as good as the first part, because it felt too rushed and there were some parts that needed more time to explain. Besides that it was a good fantasy/mystical show with some nice effects and a pretty cast. The ending though...I don't know...will there be a part 3??? I give it 8 out of 10.

5. Bokura no Micro na Shuumatsu (7/8 on Gaga aka The End of the World with you)

It started so strong! I really liked the depressing atmosphere and world ending vibe. But it lost me in the middle of the journey. Suddenly there were some supernatural elements that don't make sense and are not at all explained. And don't get me started on the kissing scenes! There are some really explict scenes, but they kissed like they didn't wanna touch or hurt each other. It was not bad, but also not that good in the end. It is a 6,5 out of 10 for me.

6. Shadow and Bone (5/8 on Netflix - no bl, but queer representation)

I am really shoping for a third season, the cliffhanger was harsh! This is not a perfect series, but I like it and besides Alina, I like every character. And yes, my favorite are of course Wesper! They were cute and had some sweet scenes together and I really want to know if Jesper will train his powers. It is a 9 out of 10 for me.

7. All the Liquors (6/8 on Gaga)

It started promising for me. I liked it. I thought perhaps they are going the road that they learn from each other. one is drinking and glorificating alcohol less and the other is going to be more open to dfferent opinions. But nope, drinking is fine and fun and now our chef drinks alcohol to every meal and I don't like it. Yes perhaps personal reasons play a big role and perhaps the glorification of alcohol triggers my mind a little bit too much. And the kiss...well they could have done better. 6 out of 10 for me.

8. A Shoulder To Cry On (on Viki)

Was it a perfect show? No. Was the acting good? Yes. Was the chemistry believable? Yes. Do I need a kiss in every bl? No. Was there a lack of romance and love? Kind of. Did I like it? Yes, I did. The adaptation stick to the original manhwa and there wasn't big love confessions or depictions of affection. I think the series was fine until the last minute. I liked their own way of love. Not everything has to end with a kiss. I am happy with the story. 8 out of 10 for me.

9. Our Dating Sim (on Viki)

Perfection! I love it. The story was so good. The chemistry was so good. Everything felt so natural. The pacing was believable. I klnow I will rewatch this one from time to time just to have a good time. Oh how much I love this one! Strong 10 out of 10 for me.

10. Jack o'Frost (on Gaga)

Well this was a quiet little gem. I loved how they showed the relationship throughout the different times, how it started, how it progressed and how it ended. There was drama all the time, but it felt real and that is one of the small details I really enjoyed about this one. The story felt real. It is a 9 out of 10 for me.

Short Film

Movie

1. The Chronicles of a boy (Homo Phobia) (on Gaga)

Meet Yeong Taek, a young man, who has suffered an absured amount of physical and psychological abuse and has a tendency for strangeling people who did him wrong...There were things I liked about this movie and which were kind of challenging, but overall I didn't like it. And didn't like the protagonist. Would not recommend this one. 4,5 out of 10 for me.

Dropped/On Hold in March

1. Boyband

Because they decided not to air it any longer on youtube, I stopped watching it...It was promising though...

2. Love Syndrome III

I have watched the first half of the first epsiode and I couldn't watch any further. I can't tell how the story will progress, but right now I really can't stand the character of Itt. Why is he always so damn angry and loud?

Looking Forward to in March (with MDL-Links)

The Promise (March 1 on WeTV)

All The Liquors (March 2 on GagaOOLala)

A Boss And A Babe (March 3 on Youtube)

Love Syndrome (March 4 on WeTV)

PastSenger (March 8 on GagaOOLala)

Our Dating Sim (March 9 on Viki)

Future (March 19 on GagaOOLala)

A Shoulder To Cry On (March 14 on Viki)

Unintentional Love Story (March 17)

Make a Wish (March 22)

The Eighth Sense (March 29 on Viki)

Shadow (not sure)

[girltomboy]

Watched & read

I kept putting off making a post about this, but a few weeks ago my bf and I watched The Banshees of Inisherin (we got stuck in a "what should we watch?" cycle and decided to pick this one because it sounded fun). It was incredible, probably one of the best movies I watched this year, and it deserved every award and praise it got. It starts off as a regular, pretty sad but not particularly unremarkable story of a friendship breakup, apparently one-sided and out of nowhere. We know such a situation in real life, it's sad and seemingly irrational, but it's nothing wild. But then the movie spirals into this brutal, absurdist madness, a ridiculous and crude battle of egos and petty but deadly mistakes. It's a well-written and absolutely gorgeous black comedy that doesn't shy away from digging into the muddiest side of human nature. My bf and I talked about it for days afterwards, and even told our friends about it (since it hits a little too close to home for some of them 🤡).

The next movie I'm making this post for/about is It Lives Inside. My friend and I saw the trailer for this movie at the cinema not long ago, and it looked pretty interesting so we added it to our watchlist. Since we couldn't watch it at the cinema (our favorite seats kept getting taken & we couldn't make online reservations for it, for some reason) we found it online this weekend and watched it. It follows the story of an Indian teenage girl in America who faces tension from her mother at home, for rejecting her Indian culture. She also has a dispute with her tormented childhood bestie, and ends up unleashing a malevolent spirit that takes her friend away. I didn't really get most of this movie tbh, it either had an abysmally small budget because the narrative relied a lot on vibes (not even the good horror kind, just Nothing), or it was very very badly written (the latter is definitely true regardless of its budget). The acting was terrible too, but in fairness the actors probably did not have much to work with. It didn't have any quality or memorable jumpscares, zero atmosphere, you can literally tell which sequences were made just for the trailer. At times it's edited just like a parody horror. There's very little context for why things happen the way they do, the ending just leaves you very confused, it ends just because the runtime (or budget) expires, not because the movie naturally and organically arrives to a conclusion. Anyway, it was entertaining enough, but I'm so glad we didn't find tickets for it at the theatre and didn't have to pay to see it, because it would've been even more infuriating to have paid money for this trash.

The last thing on my post is The Glass Bead Game by Herman Hesse. It took me 2 months to finish this book, but considering the fact that this year I finally got back into reading consistently after the unintentional hiatus I took during the pandemic, when I didn't read anything for about 3 years and I lost any and all interest and enjoyment I ever derived out of reading... I think I'm doing very well in that regard. This book was on my reading list for one of my favorite classes in college, but obviously I didn't have the time to read it, and when my coworker recommended it to me (only for me to later find out that she didn't actually read it... she was just going off of vibes - Pisces things) I decided there's no time like the present. The book is a biography of an intellectual master who retreats to a region established for the intellectual elite to study the glass bead game - an elaborate puzzle-like game that combines various elements like mathematics, linguistics, music, etc. I was a bit gagged when I found out that this game - completely fictional, sure - was never going to be described or explained in the book. It's giving camp but mysterious, which I loved. Mr. Knecht has a bit of a homosexual aura based on his many tumultuous and intense friendships that consume him and on his dignified, serene presence that every man he comes in contact with admires. I forgot to add that this elite establishment called Castalia is exclusively open to men, because of course it is, and women are seen as malicious and manipulative temptresses always ready to betray and distract men from reaching enlightenment, while men from the outside world who allow women in their lives are seen as dirty, instinct-ruled monkeys (as are people in the outside world, in general, perceived by the Castalians). They separate themselves from the outside world and live in what seems like medieval conditions, in an attempt to transcend materialism and focus exclusively on intellectual and spiritual endeavors, like the glass bead game, of which Knecht becomes a master. Well, fast forward a couple hundreds of pages and Mr. Knecht realizes that, through all this superior isolation, Castalia attempts very hard to separate itself from history and the outside world, which FUNDS the very existence of Castalia to begin with, and he deems this as hypocritical, shallow, and dangerous, and asks to leave. After some quarrels with the president he leaves Castalia and joins society, he realizes that the most fulfilling and rewarding position for him is that of a teacher to pupils, but he doesn't go to teach at a regular school; instead he arranges to mentor the teenage son of an old friend of his, at a remote cabin in the mountains. Enthralled by the teenergy and vitality of the young boy, he follows him into a cold lake at sunrise, where he goes into hypothermic shock and sinks dead. Plummeting into that lake feeling inspired by the impulsivity of a teenage boy was probably the second most respectable and brave thing Knecht ever did, the first being to leave Castalia.

Overall this novel was a paradoxical and philosophical futuristic lens on the past that I mostly enjoyed. I get a bit overwhelmed when I try to think of what to read next. This week I remembered this really funny and enjoyable book I thrifted a few years ago, but left it at my parents' old apartment, and of course they threw it out along with the rest of my stuff. And I don't even know where I could find it again.

[afan1]

The Wilds: Season 1 Rewatch

Hey, everyone! With Season 2 of The Wilds premiering on May 6, 2022, I thought I'd go back and rewatch season 1 again after the long hiatus.

I'm going to be posting my thoughts on the episodes as I watch them, so hopefully y'all will join me in getting excited about the upcoming season! I can't wait, so let's dive right in!

SPOILER WARNINGS — While it is an episode recap, there may be spoilers for the entirety of season 1 of The Wilds. Continue reading at your own risk if you haven't seen all of it yet.

The Wilds | 1x01: Day One

Favorite Quote

Yeah, well, I'm not a lesbian. Sorry to disappoint. I just like storage. — Dot Campbell

Personal Highlights of the Episode

Dot smoking as the plane was going down... total fucking mood. I could only hope to be as badass as Dot if I was ever in a plane crash scenario.

The Jeff / Leah relationship makes me cringe, but I chuckle every time I see the "happy belated birthday" high five in the hotel room. It is so awkward, and then Leah even adds a little hand tap... I can't.

Things I Didn't Catch the First Time

Dot has her lighter and pack of cigarettes just chilling in the cupholder on the plane.

When Shelby walks past Fatin on the plane after suggesting icebreaker games, Fatin is smoothing out her eyebrow with her middle finger. Probably random and unintentional, but if not — it's hilarious.

It's dark outside when Leah is driving Jeff to his hotel. Like, did she have to wait around for him after school? Was the drive that long? Honestly, idk how the school wouldn't get into some shit asking a student to drive a grown-ass man to his hotel. You're telling me there wasn't ONE adult staff member available?

The green dial button is still on the phone screen during Martha and Fatin's calls... oops!

Observations / Theories / Questions

The Timeline Doesn't Make Sense — It's shown that Leah gets (presumably) her last text from Jeff on Wednesday, July 10.

We can assume that they were in a non-sexual relationship at least a few weeks before September 5 (Leah's birthday) based off her reply to his drunk text. Then, following her birthday, a sexual relationship until at least June 2.

Jeff and Leah's relationship could have lasted anywhere from the beginning of August to the end of June/beginning of July the following year.

Does the East Bay Academy of Art go to school year round? When does the Island Retreat begin, because I thought it was a whole summer thing aka 3 months? Someone EXPLAIN this to me pleaaaaase. I'm honestly scared that the writers won't explain any of this and it will be the biggest plot hole for the show.

If you want to get even more confused... We know Martha's evidence box that Young goes through in the bunker has a January 10 date on them. Leah is still worked up over Jeff in her interviews. A whole 5-6 months following their last text in July and after a whole mf'ing traumatic experience living on a deserted island. Girl. I love you, but please, move on (my shipper heart will be content with Fatin).

Theory — Why not have Rachel, the super athletic and skilled diver (aka: swimmer) be the subject placed in the water with Jeannette? They are the only two in the ocean following the plane crash (extremely dangerous btw since Leah was sedated). I think that Leah (Gretchen's favorite) was Jeannette's primary "target," so that she could shift Leah's train of thought about the island, observe her more closely for Gretchen, etc. So how do you get a girl that you don't know to bond with you more quickly? Only place them in a similar situation that none of the other girls are in.

Theory — Gretchen had scouted Leah for her experiment prior to the Jeff relationship (or shortly after). Remember: Leah had thought her life was boring and unremarkable. Gretchen probably could have easily convinced Leah herself or her parents to branch out and goes on a summer retreat. But, enter Jeff: exciting, remarkable, loving... everything Leah wanted. Now Gretchen realizes that Leah's new infatuation would prevent her from agreeing to leave for a whole summer, Gretchen mailed Leah's birth certificate to Jeff to induce the breakup and ensure that her favorite subject would be on the island.

None of the girls question why they aren't seriously injured after a plane crashing into the ocean. The only injuries (excluding Jeannette) are Martha's ankle, blood on Toni's ear, and Shelby's flipper being cracked. To make matters worse — Gretchen's people would have had to manipulate these injuries (super creepy and unethical). Like did these assholes really hurt Martha's ankle so bad that it blew up like a balloon? And completely invading Shelby's privacy by getting into her MOUTH and breaking the flipper. omg.

Probably completely random and irrelevant, BUT the Dawn of Eve logo has nine letters... potentially corresponding with the nine girls sent to the island. Furthermore, there's two periods in the logo between the words... potentially corresponding with the two confederates that Gretchen assigns to the experiment.

Shelby Curse Count: 1

~~~

ANNNNND that's a wrap on episode 1. It's long, I know, but I hope everyone (anyone?) that read it enjoyed it or you know, don't think I'm a complete idiot. There's a lot more that I could have covered, but shit's long enough. Like Rachel and Nora's dynamic together (and individually) in episode one could have led to a 4-page essay. The Shoni interactions early on knowing how that ends up at the end of the season, FATIN in general with her remarks because they are top tier. You get my point.

Tell me what your favorite quotes, moments, theories and observations are for episode one! Maybe we think alike or maybe you have some theories that I hadn't thought of yet. Let's discuss!

I'm going to try to get the recap on episode two out asap, so stay tuned!

[sawamura-daichis-thighs]

hey lovelies, I hope you're all well! I should be back from my unintentional mini-hiatus after this week (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ this semester required a bit more energy from me than I anticipated so I kind of had to drop of the radar aside from occasional rb spree when I had the time.

anyway, I'll be on a small break for the next few weeks during which I really hope I can work on love's only demand and plant kisses like seeds since I've essentially neglected them for 3 months OTL

I'd love it if y'all could share your favorite songs that remind of you JJK or itafushi! music is kind of my go-to inspiration when I need a boost and I definitely do after so long. 🙏❤ tysm!

[verfound]

Note/Update/Errrrrrr (9/2/20)

There’s a part of me that like...doesn’t want to post this, but I also feel like I need to post something, and it’s Wednesday.  Holy hell it’s Wednesday?  Um.  Ok.  So a few notes:

(cut bc it got long and I hate clogging up dashes with Long Posts)

1.) My brother died last week.  And I’ve been kind of a wreck over it.  I’m not gonna go into details, but it was Bad, and it’s a Big Mess.  (It was not COVID-related, but there’s a horrible part of me that almost wishes it was.)

2.) I haven’t been online much bc of this.  There’s been a lot of crying and not a lot of sleeping, and my eyes have been killing me bc of it - so looking at screens hasn’t been that great.  I’ve got a lot of messages and notifications I’m slowly working through, but either physically/mentally I just haven’t been with it enough to do so/respond.

3.) My Lovebugs & Snakecharmers are the best group of gals (and guy) ever, and I love y’all so much.

4.) I...don’t know how this is going to effect my writing.  I have a lot in the works, but creatively I’ve just been...stuck.  The few times I’ve tried to sit down and write, it hasn’t happened.  Well.  No.  I wrote one thing.  My bestie kidnapped me last weekend to get me away from everything, and she was telling me a story that was just So Couffaine, and when I was scanning in photos for the memorial video I’d take little breaks and play with the plunny.  But I have no idea how it turned out, and I don’t know when I’m going back to clean it up/post.  It’s Couffaine Family Shenanigans, and a lot of Big Brother Luka, and writing BBL hurts rn.

Ugh.  My point (bc I swear I didn’t want to get rambly with this but everything’s been rambly bc Brain’s not Braining).  I don’t want to say I’m taking a hiatus, bc that’s not my intention, but it might look that way?  There’s just a lot going on, and I haven’t been able to write much with everything, and I don’t know.  The good news is I do have the Exchange fic done - the bad news is I still have to edit it.  And rn that may be all I can handle this month.  (I was going to do one Smutember prompt a week, and I have most of them in various stages of completion, but I don’t know.  I was trying to work on one of them before I started typing this, and like...hey I can write a lot in 15-20m.  I’ve gotten maybe 400 words written in an hour.  That’s glacial for me.)

I just don’t know rn.  Maybe I’m overthinking everything, and hey maybe I’ll have something up this weekend.  I just...don’t feel very active, and after how active I’ve been I didn’t want to just vanish into this unintentional hiatus without any word why.  But I also haven’t exactly been able to say why, bc for over a week now everything’s been phone calls and messages and rehashing everything, and I’m so raw from it all.

But I’m here.  I’m just also...not here.  And I don’t know how long I’m gonna be that way.

[whenerosmetpsyche]

DIY Intuitive Horary for Pisces Season

It’s the end of the astrological year and we are in the middle of a Mercury retrograde. I've felt the need to quiet my mind and really feel into where I need to redirect my energy in preparation for the frenetic pace of Aries season. So to everyone who has asked me a horary question during my unintentional hiatus, I apologize. I could not answer over the past month plus for a number of reasons. One of them being the Saturn/Pluto connection that is manifesting as the Corona virus panic. I felt like I was tapping into that fear and I just couldn’t do it anymore. Since then I’ve been refocusing more on finishing school (another Saturn/Pluto activity) and letting the astrological weather work its magic in the back of my mind.

So as I have been studying and wondering how to get to the next phase in my life, an amazing insight came to me yesterday through a number of beautiful synchronicities. As I was sketching out my thoughts, I suddenly had the impulse to read the stars right then. The message I received was profound and so comforting to me that I wanted to share a part of the method I generally use so that all of you may receive some helpful Mercury retrograde messages from the stars this Pisces season (and beyond).

First off, this type of horary insight works best on something you have been pondering for a while. I receive the most meaningful insights when I am suddenly and clearly struck with the impulse to pull a horary chart for myself. 

When inspiration strikes, here’s what you do:

Simple Horary

1) Pull an astro.com chart for the exact time and location that the insight struck. I have an entry that I use for the moment and routinely edit the date and time on the spot.

2) Read the angles’ signs and degrees. 

The ascendant is you. Where is the ruler of the ascendant? That tells you what area of your life this read is concerned with. Depending on how well you understand astrology, the condition of the planet will give you more details.

The descendant is often a message of insight from the universe. Sometimes it’s a warning. Sometimes it’s the outcome. Again, look at the descendant’s ruler and its condition.

The MC tells of how your situation appears in the physical world.

The IC is a reflection of your feelings and of deep inner psychological changes associated with your question.

There are of course loads more we could read into a horary chart, but this is a great starting place. If you read Tarot, you can look at the angles similarly to a celtic cross and derive meaning that way as well (this is controversial, but I truly believe that life calls to us in the languages we speak).

3) Match the ASC/DESC and IC/MC degrees to a set of channeled symbolic messages derived from the zodiac. My favorite set are Sabian Symbols channeled by Elsie Wheeler and reinterpreted by Dane Rudhyar (probably the most widely known). A close second are the Lonsdale set (more straightforward and poetic). 

With the set you choose, look first at the ascendant angle. Remember, this represents you!

Add +1 degree -- so if your ascendant is at 6 degrees and 25 seconds, round up to 7. I also recommend that if the angle is in the first 5 seconds of any degree, to look at both messages.

Look up the other angles and identify themes among them. Are similar words used? Is there a unifying message among the stories? I also like to use numerology on the degrees -- I find the most meaningful messages will add up to the same number on both axes.

Occasionally I will look up the symbol for the degree an important planet is sitting in.

4) Finally, check the nodal axis, particularly the houses it lands in. This will give you an emphasis on the direction your concerns are taking you in. For example, a north node in the 4th house tells me that changes to my living situation and inner psyche -- even my close family will be most affected. 

Most importantly, start regularly pulling charts when your intuition is telling you to!

[scornfulsilverlining-blog]

Where Has Devin Been???

Hello everyone! What? I’m alive?! That’s right! You’re probably wondering where I’ve been though, right? Let me explain.

For starters, I never meant to take such a long break from my blog. When I first made this blog, however, I figured something like this would happen at some point. I’m a very busy individual and sometimes I accidentally let things slide. This is my hobby. While I feel somewhat bad for leaving for so long, at the end of the day, I’m glad I did give myself time to breathe and didn’t try and pile on replies while everything else was going on. It would have meant half-assed replies to my threads and that’s something I never want to do. I’m grateful that so many of you have stuck with me despite this unintentional hiatus. Thank you! I can’t promise something like this won’t happen again in the future, but I will try my best to update more often instead of remaining silent.

So, where have I been???

I decided to take a small break back during Christmas. It was the holidays and Winter Break, so I wasn’t too focused on my RP blog. I had some other projects to attend to as well. I was going to a con in January and I was making some of my cosplay myself. I also had commissions to do. So, I figured I would take a little break until the con was over and I had gotten started with my new semester of school to get into a rhythm. I also made a New Year’s Resolution to start going to the gym and being healthier after my surgery back in September. Another thing I did in January was sign up for Get Your Words Out where I pledged to write 200,000 words this year. Well, the con came and went and I got my commissions done. However, I felt like I was bombarded when February started.

I thought this semester was going to be pretty easy as it’s my last semester before graduation this May! But, I think I took things too easy because my grades started to slip. I was panicking and knew that I needed to spend more time working on assignments and studying to bring them back up to A’s. I eventually did this, but it took the majority of February for me to do so! I also celebrated my birthday then. A lot of the free time I had was then spent going to the gym because my PED class really motivated and inspired me to work hard. I’ve incorporated exercise and healthy eating into my life (lost 9 pounds so far yay!), which meant less time for RPing. At the same time, I got the biggest commission in my life. A client asked for a 30,000 word fic back in January, which I’m still working on! It’s the second largest thing I have ever written and whenever I had a moment of free time I worked on that. I didn’t even work my Spring Break in order to get that commission done and only got to 24,000. I’m glad that I was able to get such a large commission, but on the other hand, it has eaten away at my time. I’m hoping to finish it sometime this month, but we’ll see. That is my main priority right now.

Along with all that, I was also busy college searching this whole time! I got accepted into my top three schools and had to make a decision. I submitted a couple more essays to get into some of their programs and then I was actually invited to all of their scholarship weekends. I went to two in February back to back. I had no time those weekends because I was driving a few hours to and from the college and then they had my schedule entirely planned out from the moment I arrived to when I left. I attended another scholarship weekend in March, and finally, I attended another event right after that. I was so happy to be accepted by all my schools and get to experience their campuses as it really helped me make a decision. But, there was no time for anything else unfortunately. I now know where I’m going to college though in the fall, so I’m excited for that!

That’s just a small taste of my life from these past few months. A lot more has been going on, but those were the main things that kept me away from this blog. I’ve just felt like I’ve been completely swamped since January and only now is some of that pressure starting to come off. I honestly felt like a chicken with its head cut off for a while there! But, with the semester ending and this commission almost done, I’m hoping to get back into the swing of things.

As such, I know I have a lot of people waiting on replies! I will be doing them in chronological order of when I received them, so the people who have been waiting the longest will receive a reply first! I will try to get at least one out this week and we’ll go from there.

Once again, thank you all for sticking with me and I’m excited to be writing for Arturo again <3

[survivorreelsmagicwithin]

Episode 3- “Y'all wanted magic within and we delivered- case closed”-Autumn

Another super fun challenge! I want to shout out to the hosts for just doing a great job so far. This is making this quarantine just a little less terrible. So happy we have immunity and getting our first reward is so exciting! I’ve been trying my best to connect with members outside of my tribe in the great hall chat and get close with my tribe mates. For the most part I really trust all of them. And that’s horribly scary. I really love being on hufflepuff. But I have a feeling a swap is gonna happen. Kevin told me he thinks it’s going to be 2 tribes of 8. We will see. GL to slytherin and ravenclaw! 

HOES MAD 

https://giphy.com/gifs/lifeminute-birthday-rihanna-3fihINg62RNynS9cbY 

I'm so dead and drained rn but I look forward to reading this round and seeing how heated people are over this. And this will definitely follow me the entire game but you know what I'm glad. Don't let the 16 month hiatus fool you: when I show up I show out. Everything is mind over matter in a way and y'all caught me on a good day so I was just like fuck it I'll do this all day if I have to. So I walked into that challenge at 11:30 am and deadass my phone never left my side... for 9 1/2 hours. Also y'all know I'm at my best when I'm an underdog? So of course I went all out, please tell me you didn't expect anything less. And can I just say Gryffindor legitimately and collectively earned that because everyone participated and put points up. So yes I am that girl but I do it for the squad because I know they'll do it for me. BIG ups though to Vi and Jess- I don't care what their alliances were before today they better have each other's backs and I'll riot if they don't both survive. Literally do the right thing and send a man home. And the same goes for Ravenclaw! I wanna know what's going on over there and I'm not picky but send a man or inactive home if you can. Let it be known that I literally came into this game to raise hell for Dan and Owen lmaaaaooo. I mean I don't want them to go (yet) because that's not what good frenemies do and where's the fun in that. We make each other's arcs better and if we're cast, there will be a fight to the death sooner or later. But until then! Yes I am absolutely living for them sweating it out for a full round. Can y'all believe it? They finally lost at something God is so good. Would've loved to make Hufflepuff sweat too but hey. There's always next round

https://thumbs.gfycat.com/UnsungOblongBlesbok-max-1mb.gif

14 minutes later

Also I just wanna say that 6:00 hour was chef's kiss. In my entire org career, I have never been on a tribe that pulled off a shutout like that and that was ICONIC. Hoes mad but did your entire tribe come together and get a streak of points nonstop for upwards of an hour?? No ma'am you did not. I kept us alive all day but that hour was THE hour that took Gryffindor from 4th to 2nd and that's how you win immunity. Y'all wanted magic within and we delivered- case closed

I don't trust Nick at all. I know in the back of his mind he's thinking i'm gonna play like our previous game which I wasn't exactly loyal to him because I was loyal to some bitch ass alliance that ended up... ANYWAYS. So he seems like the type of player to keep that into consideration because he happened recently and he's sort of a newer player. So I have to be mindful of this all and as much as i'm STRESSING the fact that obviously there were external factors in that game.. that won't impact this game kind of a deal. I know this all could just be my paranoid little brain and thinking that he's out to get me when he's not.. but I haven't played any back to back games in FOREVER and when something THAT FRESH happens.. it's hard for me to not have the after thought of: Wow Nick must think i'm an loyal person who won't tell him my real thoughts. 

 But Nick gonna be a scary player down the line. He's already in my pm's bragging about how him, Landen, and I think his name is Matt? idk one of the "Weebz" (still don't know what that means) and how he will have those potential relationships moving forward.. I just... don't.... understand..... him. ANYWAYS

 The thing is... I think? I can trust Jacob fully. I think this vote SHOULD BE EASY.. but I can't help but feel really fucking bad. Like terrible. Like extremely heart broken about voting out VI. She's put her all into everything and honestly I would be so mad if i've given my all and these two dweebz didn't even show up to the comp. I know she's gonna be upset and I hate knowing that. So i'm TRYING to take emotions out of this decision and make this all strategical and within the game environment because if I was voting with my HEART i'd keep her. BUT then I have that voice in the back of my head that is saying "But if you save Vi.... she'll be loyal to you!" BUT ALSO... I know from HOSTING VI... is that Vi is only loyal to... the fun she has. If she gets bored she fucks around. She's a crackhead. But I obviously can't VOICE THIS TO ANYONE because they could flip this and reverse this on ME. 

I'm scared that if I cast any form of doubt about the vote to Jacob he will relay the message to Nick and well I become more threatening than Vi at this point because I pointed the gun at him... SO I was fucking around with the idea of... using my idol on myself, causing a 2 to 2 tie.. and well.. unless Jacob wants to go to rocks by himself... and basically get voted out.. Mr. Nick goes. But it's LITERALLY FINAL 18............ If this was final 11, sure i'd do this in a heart beat... but this is such a bad bitch move i'm scared people will see I got something on my resumé already. They'll see I went against an alliance for VI. It's just so risky.. but I told myself i'd have FUN in this game.. I just don't want to make a move purely on a past game or purely on emotion. I want to be making moves that move me forward in the game..

I LOVE JOANNA!!! THIS IS A JOANNA APPRECIATION POST!!!!!! and dan has the idol. 

Unsurprisingly, we lost the challenge. I worked my lil booty off as best as I could (I did give up but that is beside the point at this current moment) and I have been friendly, fricking nice as all hell, and then Miguel wants to vote me out. And honey... I think that sealed your fate. I am working on being a little more ruthless I guess because I really want to win this game, so if you come for me, you bet I'm coming for you. I've always made jury and I don't think that this is the season I'm getting stuck with pre-jury. Miguel is the only relationship I don't feel confident in so... bye sis. 

The immunity challenge was a hard-fought battle, but we managed to pull out a win near the end. It was the most stressful time of my life. Honestly, I felt that if we lost then I would get voted out next. Thankfully, that did not happen. However, this is a huge wake up call for me to get my ass into gear and start being more social with my tribe. Otherwise, I might find myself in the bottom and that is not a position I want to be in.

AHHHH so my tribe won immunity and reward and things are great!  Someone mentioned yesterday (Kevin?? Maybe) that this means we are the last tribe to have to see tribal council and that is a GREAT THING!  I really wonder who is going to go home- I just hope it isn't Owen.  I also really hope he still wants to work with me if we end up on a tribe together. In other news, I'm curious to see if a swap is about to happen.  With a double tribal happening tonight it seems as though it would be a big maybe! Also I'm still irritated that my glee shirt didn't count as a band tee, when everyone asks what kind of music I like the first thing I always say is 'anything by the cast of glee' xD I don't feel like I was much help in the challenge but I was there and got points for wine and sequins if that means anything. 

doing this ON TIME.. anyways chile. WOO WE DID IT! finally not coming in last hehe. god the amount of i was just frantically running around my house.. well thank god my family didn’t question it for the most part hehe. overall this challenge was super duper fun and i’m HOPING we can continue to win some because the stress of my tribe wanting to go against me.. yea it’s there. hopefully my paranoia is just that and i have nothing to worry abt ✨

Hey all you cool cats and kittens! It’s Dan, not Carole Baskin, but with the same crackhead energy. So Miss Miguel should be leaving tonight! It’s not anything personal at all. He’s a really sweet guy, but he’s just not around. I work mad hours a week and still make time for this stuff. Joanna is worried because she knows her name is going around so as long as she doesn’t try to pull something, everything is good. I think the chances of that happening are slim to none honestly. I feel like had I been able to compete in the comp I could have helped way more than others. I have a ton of random shit in my apartment that was asked for!!! I was a little shady toward Jacob in the Great Hall chat so lettuce pray that he doesn’t act like a petty fool if we swap together. I am kinda anticipating a swap after this tribal but we’ll see!!! 

we won immunity and nothing has changed on my tribe for me since my last confessional woo consistency yay c:

im sad. we have to vote out vi which is so sad. i love her shes so sweet but i have suhc a tight bond with jess and nick that like there isnt another option. but ugh someone hold my hand

Darn, we were so close to winning, yet so far. Always remember, the unintentional matsing is just as mighty as the intentional, so 3 of us making swap or merge is much more advantageous than a unit of 4. I love my tribe, I do, and I genuinely feel I may be in danger! I trust Jess and Jacob though (JJJ: Jess, Jacob, Jay), so I’m hoping for another unanimous decision. (I will probably be asleep at tribal since I have 1 hour of sleep today)

So out tribe basically gave everything they could in a 12 hour challenge of Hell. I tried especially hard thinking I would be voted out if we lost because no one really talks "game" with me. I know that side seasons are 'Survivor Lite' but typically people at least talk game. I know I wasnt the target from last vote because everyone assured me they want to work with me and Josh said to vote him out in the tribe chat. Apparently though Josh wanted to do a blindside and reached out to Autumn to let her know asking me if he had asked me. So honestly Autumn is the truest! The other two notnvoting me inlobe seeing but if Josh talked to them then... hm Anyway I cant play a perfect game anymore :( Also I have officially dug through all of Hagrids things and he has no idol for me. I thought he might have something in could take and use somewhere else since he is a keeper of keys. But naw.

Guess who lost by two points!! Fricking Nicholas and Jacob leaving us for 7 hours. Then nick only showed up for the last 3ish but he didn’t even submit anything. Wth? We’re gonna try to kick him out.

i love my tribe so much we keep having more and more fun each time :D i definitely think after max's april fools prank i'm even more inclined to want to vote him if we lose, but i'm also grateful he's not really gone because mayhaps a weeb alliance in the future is possible.... !!! i also always utilize the great hall segments to make myself known and thought about even if people also think i'm a bit annoying, idc, the main thing is they remember me and when we meet on a swap or something i am one of the first they choose to talk to! it is always an important strategy of mine, people don't realize that in big games, one of the most crucial things you can do is leave a big first impression on people on the other tribes, you have the lucky opportunity to get some spaces where you meet them in ORGs unlike in the real world - USE it to let them form an idea of you in their head and decide they like you before they even meet you, it's a weird phenomena but i've found it's one of my most consistent strategies, when i actually decide to employ it (flashback to me being so lazy in 2020 i barely even used one world.. eep) hufflepuff is cute and we WILL be continuing to make marshmallow moves, until i get to make my own independent marshmallow moves to win

Soooo we finally lost a challenge kfjahsdj time to put this alliance to the test! The answer seemed pretty clear to me though - everyone kinda just wants to do Miguel. I feel bad, because I do think these competitions have NOT played to his strengths at all and I know he can be a great competitor. And I really wanted to get to know him again this time around. For a second, Dan and I considered saving him as a loyal number... but I just can't do that to Joanna, who has rlly busted her ass lately. So tonight it's a harder choice than it seems, but ultimately, I'm going with Miguel, and I told him that. I really wish he would've put more effort into our conversations before he was in trouble lmao. Also, DAN FOUND THE IDOL HEHEHEEH so that's great :) Glad to know he trusted me enough to tell me about it! I think he's probably going to be pretty loyal this time to me? And I feel like I have to give that same courtesy back to him. Someone will probably take one of us out eventually. I rlllly do not want to stress. If for some reason they blindside me tonight or Miguel has another idol or something, it has been fun <3

[forlornmelody]

A Little Thank You for N7 Day

This won’t be terribly exciting. If you’re pressed for time, feel free to scroll past this one. 

I’m not sure exactly when I started playing Mass Effect for the first time. I want to say it was in 2015---*checks installation date* Holy shit, it was April 10th, 2016. One day before Shepard’s birthday. I swear that was completely unintentional. One of my roommates was fed up with seeing me play hundreds of hours in Skyrim so he sent me a bundle code to purchase the trilogy. And so it began. 

I didn’t really get the hype until I started Virmire. (I nearly quit while trying to rescue Liara on Therum. That Krogan battlemaster is something else.) I remember telling my friends how much I was liking Virmire. Everything was so pretty and tropical! My friends all gave me a blank stare. At that point I had no idea what Virmire would come to mean. I realized then that I had never come to love characters in a video game so much. I was genuinely torn as to save Ashley or Kaidan. From that point on I was hooked. 

Everyone told me that dying and staying dead was a thing in Mass Effect 2. I remember watching the Normandy explode and thinking Oh shit. I killed her already. What did i do wrong!? After Horizon I listened to all the break up songs as if Kaidan had broken up with me and not Shepard. I’ve never been so emotionally involved in a game, you guys. I think I finished the game within a month. Usually it takes me at least a year to finish a game. 

And then I got to Mass Effect 3. Aside from ruining my Jane Shep’s appearance, I loved every minute of that game. The highs of curing the genophage! The lows of losing Legion, Mordin, and Thane! (I think I cried during the last one.) The Mars mission was everything I hoped it would be. I finally got to tell my space boyfriend exactly how I felt about Horizon. It was deeply satisfying. All my friends told me to stop before the Earth mission, but I plunged on ahead anyway. I watched Shepard die to control the Reapers on Halloween night, 2016. I was devastated. I felt like I had lost a close friend. The following night Trump was elected to office in the US. It was a rough week, you guys. Then I found out that there was a bonus scene of Shepard if you scored high enough and chose the destroy ending. I immediately restarted ME2 and never looked back. 

I can’t say that Mass Effect changed my life in a huge way. It didn’t bring me a relationship (though I’m open to it with some qualifications.) It didn’t stop me from committing suicide (at least not directly.) But it did change my life for the better. 

About a year before I started playing Mass Effect, I was formally diagnosed with PTSD. I had seen a few portrayals in pop media, but very few were positive. None talked about recovery. And along comes Commander Shepard. Bioware didn’t do anything revolutionary with their portrayal of PTSD symptoms. We mostly saw nightmares. There were a few moments of Shep not being able to talk. Maybe a little dysphoria on the Cerberus base mission. But I got to see someone with PTSD save the galaxy multiple times over, and that was something. In January I started reading Mass Effect fanfiction while I was sick on and off for four  months. In those fics I got to see Shepard live and recover from most of her symptoms, and that was powerful. 

Soon enough I had so many plot bunnies in my head that I started writing my own fanfiction, after a three year hiatus. And I haven’t stopped. It’s provided me the chance to explore my own identity and work on my writing in a safe, anonymous environment. Fandom has kept me going on days where I felt really down and stuck. So thank you Bioware. Thank you Mass Effect fans. You’re the best.  Also, quick note. I love that Bioware didn’t change Shepard’s story a whole lot based on their gender. It was so awesome seeing Femshep treated as capable by her superiors, and a hero by those under her. Give me all the tomboyish characters. All of them. 

Another quick note-- Shepard’s birthday falls on a really shitty anniversary for me. A really traumatic anniversary. Because of Shepard, because of Mass Effect, I get to think about something positive on April 11th. And that is awesome. 

[hoodie-at-the-bar]

dude

He called me dude and I didn’t mind it. But let’s back up and do a first look at Ian.

Ian and I had actually matched back in January. I was vacationing in Cabo, so messaging cute boys seemed like a fun thing to do while poolside. 

He asked questions, talked about his day in detail, showed excitement - it was a friendly, kind back and forth. I came home from my trip and basically fell off, shamefully. I was on an unintentional dating hiatus from November to April. Five months to just enjoy my time and just be.

While I was Maria Kondo’ing my inbox on dating apps, I reached back out to Ian and apologized for my 3 month tardiness.The last message he had sent was asking me out for a drink. He was kind, and we jumped right back into talking

We continued to chat, and he asked me to grab a drink again - and I was on a kick of getting back to dating. Ian was attractive and we had a good back and forth. He also seemed to have a creative side with painting. That’s 3 out of 3.

Cabana Boy from the other night didn’t feel like it counted as a real go. Ian and I made actual plans to meet in daylight in a public place. We each suggested places and narrowed it down - and landed on Fiasco. Fiasco was a new restaurant in Wallingford, replacing Thackery - good brunch at Thackery, goodbye.

I got to Fiasco and went straight for the bar - it was very bright, with large windows filling the place with natural light. I put my bag down on a barstool and took out my phone to text him - just as a finger tapped me on the shoulder. I looked up and there stood a classic PNW guy: beard, flannel, and holding a book - I didn’t even notice the sandals right away. He had a big smile and immediately went in for a hug. Already I got good vibes from this guy.

We just immediately started talking - about our day, friends, activities, dating and just went back and forth. He was smart, mainly because he said I was smart - he knew what smart looked like. I had previously been teased over my over-analysis on people, things and any topics, but Ian seemed to eat it up. Was this a trap? Why was he interested in everything I had to say?

At one point I was talking about the difference between my two sisters. He ordered two drinks, and said he would have in his head which sister was which drink and after I tasted, I had to guess. Already I liked where his head was going. He then said he had something for me and gave me a few coasters 

“I give those out to everyone,” he said with a smile, proud of himself. 

“I am so not feeling special right now,” I replied with my shoulders shrinking.

He reached into his shirt pocket and said, “but these, I only give these out to a select few.” and handed me a card.

This guy. Either adorably silly, or annoyingly sure of himself. I wanted to beleive the former.

“If you only have a few, you should put ‘run numbers’ on the back, for true authenticity, and exclusivity” I was offering unsolicited advice.

“Do you have a pen?” Ian wrote the #1 on the back of the card and handed it back to me, so sure of himself. I still found it cute.

We just flowed well. We talked about the state of flow, our previous relationships - he was surprised. He had pegged me for a strong independent woman, so he was surprised how much the break up with Ben affected me. Hearing someone's opinion of my reaction to my relationship with Ben threw me off. I was young, it was ten years ago - and it was my first love. We covered a fair bit of this.

Turns out, I was Ian’s first online date - his first Tinder date. This made sense. I told him I noticed the first 30 minutes, he didn’t make very much eye contact: was he not into me? Intimidated? Or just new at this? He was just new.

He had relationship after relationship, never being single for too long. He is from Indiana, has a brother and a sister, and a mother who’s a nurse. His father passed away four years ago, tripped and hit his head and bled to death. I didn’t poke too much in on that trauma, but it was pretty harsh. He spoke very highly of his father before I knew he had passed. His father was an English teacher, and well read, and pretty well known - said a lot of politicians in Indiana showed up to the funeral.

Ian was also an artist. Though he was a bartender working four 10-hour shifts, He spent a lot of his time painting, selling a piece or two, but mainly he just liked it. Also made coasters out of scissors and glue. He said he needed a few different means of creative outlets - he plays drums, likes to cook and garden, make craft cocktails and paint. 

We had talked about expectations, and he showed me he was wearing Birkenstock. He also called me dude a lot - when I pointed it out he apologized, and joked maybe that’s why his last relationship ended. He reminded me of an attractive fun sweet guy who didn’t realize it.

We talked about the dating field a bit and I brought up the topic of paying for a first date - he stopped me and said “I’m paying for the drinks by the way.”

I asked him what three things about him may not be attractive to a woman, or rather, to me. He said he’s a dreamer, his heads up in the clouds. He said he is also not as analytical as me but the differences could be good. He talked about the manager at Canon (where he interviewed to be a bartender) told him you can’t have all scientists, or all artists. You need both. So he said I was the scientist and he was the artist, so we could work. But back to his flaws: he said the commute. He lived in West Seattle and I lived in Phinney - it’s funny because it’s not that big of a deal, but it can be a factor in some. 

Lastly, he pointed to the elephant in the room: “you are successful in your career - I’m guessing you own the house you live in?” whereas he pays $600 for an apartment owned by his ex-girlfriend's parents., and is a bartender. I immediately said, “But you have passion in your art, you have some ambition. As long as you are excited about something, that’s great”

Then it was my turn - I told him I was legally blind, I couldn’t swim, and I am not that girly. All things Ben has brought up to me as part of why he couldn’t be with mel. Ian didn’t seem to care about any of it - so far. I looked down, “I am wearing sneakers - but judging by your Birkenstock yeah maybe you don’t care I’m not in heels”

I was supposed to leave the date at 7pm, to go celebrate with my friend, Linn, who just became a citizen. He asked if I had one more drink in me  and I saw it was already 7 pm. He said it was okay, and I should go. But I was having fun… and that's rare. Ok - one more drink, and I can make it to Linn’s party by 8pm. My friends were super supportive of my quest for love. 

We talked some more, our body language slowly facing each other and we began to lean in. Going from two people sitting parallel, to now knees are interwoven, subtly touching, but we knew it and could feel it. We slowly moved in closer, when making points in our topics a slight touch of an elbow or shoulder. I asked, ‘what time is it?” and his eyes widened, and he put his credit card down. “You don’t want to know. - don’t look.”

It was almost 9pm! Somehow between “one more drink” and our chat, another 2 hours had gone by. He paid and I went to the restroom. I called a Lyft and he waited for me outside. I wondered why he didn’t offer to give me a ride, but maybe he didn’t know it was near or maybe he also Lyfted.

I texted him a bit later, and at first I thought his response was a bit flat. I called him out on it - because I felt we were there in the relationship already. He cleared it up real fast -

Just like that we had a casual back and forth - he even messaged me the very next day.

We established we wanted to see each other again - so he suggested we listen to music and cook something. We planned for Sunday and he offered to get off work a little earlier. Even though we had set the date, we continued to chat.

Ian said he was going to make me something, and asked me my favorite colors. Is he painting me something? I like where this is going.

-April 14, 2019

Date #1 w/ TDR Ian Painter Suitors in 2019 YTD: 3 Dates in 2019 YTD: 3

[itslikemagicbutbetter]

What's been going on with my life

Long-ass rant under the cut.

Today is August 10th, 2017. In 3 weeks exactly, I will be moving into my dorm at college. Six days after that, the fall semester begins. My parents keep telling me to start packing up all my equipment so we can put it away, but like most things, I've been putting that off. I don't want to say it's the end of this blog, but it's definitely a hiatus for a while. I'll still be around, of course, and more than happy to answer asks or talk or whatever, but I've always tried to focus my blog on original and (relatively) high-quality content, and as far as I see at the moment, the opportunities to make that will be limited. Since this is not the conclusion but rather a significant change, I'd like to take this time to reflect and look back on this blog, and look forward to the future.

Tumblr tells me that I currently have 3263 followers. That's ridiculous, and far more than I ever thought I could get. Even with the porn bots factored out, you're still looking at a LOT of people who signed up for infrequent content written by someone not qualified to write it. I really have to apologize to you all for being so slow and sporadic with my updates. I could have definitely done a lot more if I worked at it, and this summer I basically forfeited everything with the logic that "I have two months left; what's the point?"

Now I'm regretting that mindset. There are very few chances left for me to be able to create content in this setting and in this way. This type of "research" is completely unacceptable at actual scientific levels and even in amateur scientific circles like sciencemadness. What's the point of synthesizing dozens of transition metal salts that we're pretty sure exist? There is no point, but I did it for fun anyway, and everyone seemed to be on board with it.

Through the two years of making this blog, I definitely learned a lot. I definitely did learn a lot about chemistry, of course, and I have no doubt that my success in my school chemistry course was much more the result of unintentional practice than in some kind of innate ability. I also learned about other things, too. Writing, communicating, networking, photography. I made so many friends through this platform and met people who shared the same interest as me. I discovered a field that captivates my interest, even if the professional community has moved on from what I currently find myself so interested in (#borninthewrongchemicalgeneration). I found something that I could take pride in and invest myself into and that was great. And I want to thank you all for making that possible. I'm not saying I did it all for the attention or anything like that, but all your kind words and love really helped keep me going and made it that much sweeter.

I still have so many projects I want to finish, and I don't know if I ever will.

Looking forward, there's not much to say. I requested a general chemistry class, and I think I actually place out of it straight into organic, which is nice. I would definitely like to get involved with research in my undergraduate career at some point, but I doubt I'll hit the ground running with it as a freshman because I'm not that much of a go-getter, anyway. I don't know if any of that will lead to content, since research is probably off the table for a while and I'm not intending to turn this blog into a studyblr (a. my handwriting sucks and b. I'm not a girl).

What I eventually got around to saying was, thank you for your support over these past two years. I hope you got as much out of it as I know I did. I'm still around and I still check tumblr so feel free to chat anytime, though it might take me a bit to get back to you. Maybe I'll check in after a while, talk about how things are going, but on some level or another, this is it. I love you guys. Thanks for everything.

[kuro-freakin-shitsuji]

▌Kuroshitsuji Ch 129, my thoughts! (heavy spoilers)

Alright, so I prefer to read Kuroshitsuji in Japanese each month from GFantasy. A follower noticed I haven’t said anything about the new chapter, but I’ve been on hiatus from tumblr since last week because F*CK unintentional spoilers :D 

I was finally able to open my copy and read the chapter, AND I AM SHOOK. So many thoughts coursed my mind, and here are a few rambles that jumped at me as I read: (text & picture spoilers below)

- Ciel warns Sullivan not to open the door for someone, even him (someone like him??), which makes me think of 2CT immediately!!!! (It’s been canon to me since Witch arc)

- Ciel’s going back to the manor and needs to be “sure” of something????

- did not expect to see Paula; gurl why are you here, failing at life?

- where the hell is Lizzy and what’s Paula going on about not being good enough???? did Lizzy learn about real Ciel’s survival?? She found out about him and is with him, I know it!

- OMG GOOD GRIEF VIOLET IS SAFE <3

- BLAVAT ISN’T THE BLUE STAR?????!!!!!! There’s so many clues pointing to 2CT and I’m literally on the edge of my seat trying to process all these hints and thinking Yana’s going to end the chapter on a horrible twist....

- My heart hurts for Soma sooooo much; poor baby

- Soma confirmed he saw who attacked him and Agni, and by how he is speaking, he knows the face!!?? Ciel twin?? Why with this suspense; Yana you better not end this chapter without showing me the culprit!!!!!

- wth is that side glance Sebastian giving Ciel before they open the door?????

- THE SERVANTS ALREADY LET IN A CIEL.

- 「なんだ騒がしいと思ったら..」”What’s this noise..” THERE IS A VOICE AND THEN A LEG AND I’M DYING. TEARS OF HAPPINESS AT THIS POINT. THAT BEAUTIFUL LEG. I had to close the book and sit with my feels; I did NOT expect to read that voice and then see that leg and torso!!!!!

- THE CANON THEORY IS FKING CANOOOOOOOON!! “I’M HOME” BITCHES

‘IT’S A LIE/CAN’T BELIEVE...!”

- EVEN SEBASTIAN IS SHOOK TO SEE A TWIN; LOOK AT THAT FACE. THIS POOR DEMON DIDN’T SIGN UP FOR THIS.

- LOOK AT FINNY BEING DETECTIVE OVER THERE. HE KNEW SOMETHING WAS OFF. LOOK AT REAL CIEL’S FACE; BLESS HIM

…and queue me going back to reread it again and spamming all of my friends who’ve read it already or got spoiled beforehand!

So now…is it wrong that I feel...relief? 

I swore the two Ciel plot was not a theory but canon the moment I personally caught it within the Green Witch arc. That infamous dream sequence scene with all the stars and stuff on the chess board? That part confirmed it for me at the time; two Ciel’s is canon, hands down. I considered fan theories stating otherwise, but firmly believed it to be canon.

Now seeing that it is a confirmed canon, I just feel relief. I’m sad for Soma; his butler/best friend was taken from him (and I am assuming by the real Ciel at this point, but I also appreciated this crack theory of speculation).  

I also feel for Sebastian quite a bit; I’m not sure where he plays in all of this however that face speaks volumes..... And our Ciel! This poor child lost his family, is damned to a demon and has been reared by him for the past few years, and is about to see the world he built as Ciel Phantomhive come crashing down. I’m really feeling for our Ciel, but I am also shook about the real Ciel and will bow down.

Now the fandom is backtracking to find faults and clues. I don’t have the time to comb through the entire 10 years of manga chapters for more analysis tonight, but I am positive the fandom has already done all of that work for us! Please send me links about whatever stood out to you!

And at this point, what I NEED TO KNOW is:

where is Lizzy and why is she so depressed?

the confirmation of who killed darling Agni

why real Ciel is doing this, from his pov

IS REAL CIEL EFFING VINCENT???!! WHO’S SOUL IS UP IN THERE???

IF SEBASTIAN IS TRULY SURPRISED OR FAKING BC I DON’T TRUST IT

IF UNDERTAKER DID THIS AND THE CANON REASON WHY CAUSE HE’S ALWAYS CAUSING SHIT. Remember ch 108 when Undertaker was waking up a Ciel??? Was that Real Ciel???

WILL AGNI GET A FUNERAL????

I am a very satisfied Kuroshitsuji fan and will continue to support Yana Toboso and GFantasy!! Can’t wait to preorder next issue!!

[ask-jungshook]

can i be real for a sec?? you are so amazing and im about to cry bc you're everything i wish i was. ppl love your art so much and your angst and you're so talented. you are so so talented. ok im sorry i just needed this off my chest

// OMG NOOOOOO NONNY PLEASE DON’T CRY!

For me, my ‘talent’ is probably an accumulation of ‘natural’ talent (basically your base stats in gaming terms lol), motivation, experience, practice, and personal drive.

So to get a general sense of where I’m coming from, let me tell you a story of a YOUNG DISSU and how her ‘talent’ developed. (aka my art journey LOL)

So let’s started!

Base Stats

When I first got into drawing (this was around middle school, so I was around 12 years old????), my base stat for drawing was probably a 1 out of 10 –  pretty horrible tbh because all I did was just to try and replicate my favorite mangas characters as they were drawn. (At the time I think it was Yu Yu Hakusho LMFAO). If I were to make an analogy or any type of comparison, let’s just say, my stick figures had better proportions than my actual drawings but I digress. But as much as I drew poorly, I found myself loving drawing and loving art because it was an outlet for me to relieve stress. (But looking back oh boy was I a hardcore weeaboo haha) This period of time was the time where I gave no shits if I drew poorly, I drew because I had fun and that was pretty much it. (So there was like pretty much 0 improvement since I didn’t really bother to learn anything technique-wise) 

Motivation & Practice

Around high school was when I first started digital art (I around age 16 at this time) and this was the time period when DeviantArt was the ‘go to’ place to post drawings and literature. (pretty sure tumblr and twitter didn’t exist back then and facebook like just became a thing lol) Avatar sites like gaiaonline were also super popular and filled with a bunch of talented artists. I remember distinctly being like ‘holy shit these people are so good and so talented and thinking that I could never surmount to anything like that’. But at the same time, another part of me was like AWE INSPIRED of their talent and would like obsessively see if they had any tutorials on drawing. So while yes, there was a portion of me that wanted to be like my art idols and draw the way they did, at the same time, I kinda knew in my head that that was impossible? (But it didn’t stop me from trying to emulate them) 

So while I kept on drawing because it was fun and I liked it as a hobby– BUT this time, I had people to look up to in terms of the ‘I want to draw like you’ aspect of it. They were my art idols and pretty much everything I wanted to be from an art standpoint hahaha. But those artists were my main source of motivation for wanting to improve throughout high school. So this was the period of time that other people’s art lead to me wanting to develop a better style and to improve my technique. (I drew a lot, but never really finished anything major because I was really impatient back then, but my style was HEAVILY impacted by my art idols lol – VERY VERY GRAPHIC NOVELY/DATING SIM-ESQUE)

Experience & Personal Drive

I think in recent years, I did a lot of growing not only as an artist but as a person. One thing to note about growth and  improvement is that seeing improvement/seeing growth does not happen overnight, and I took many art hiatuses during high school and most of college simply because I didn’t have time due to my course load. So after cycling through various styles, my art kinda just stagnated for a long time. At that time, it was a bit disheartening and frustrating for me, because at that point I drew for like 6 years and made like small baby steps. (I had a variety of styles, but I never really had the solid groundwork of like anatomy, how clothing works, or color theory.) So it did put a hamper down on my motivation to draw back then– simply because I didn’t think I was improving as fast as other people – which in retrospect, was mistake number one.

I also went through a pretty bad battle with depression while I was in college that ebbed down a bit, then resurfaced after I graduated (this was roughly a 3 yr span), which hindered a lot of my art growth substantially as well  because my mentality simply wasn’t there. (Music and art hold emotional ties for me, so whenever I’m depressed, everything relating to the creative side of me goes to shit and I will have 0 motivation to draw and basically just sleep all day.)

But to be brutally honest, this is where personal drive comes in. There was one day where I just had full blown out sit down with myself where I basically told myself that I was so sick of being sad all the time, so tired of just being tired, so sick of hating myself– and that I missed being happy and that I missed that sense of joy. So what did I do? I pushed myself and forced myself out of my bubble in an effort to crawl out of that pit that is depression. But one of the things that helped me the most was reconnecting with a bunch of art friends that I met online in high school on one of those avatar sites. I’m a lot stronger of a person mentally thanks to them. :) And with the help of my friends, I basically began my journey of a 360 degree change– my friends, music, art and the past depressed me were all sources of motivation for me to fight to win that mental battle against myself. (One of the things I did was delete all my social media and just start over– that way it’s easy to filter out unwanted things if you start with a blank slate. I also bought my dog around this time which helped my mentality exponentially.)

Getting started was probably the hardest part, because depression is a cycle of ups and downs– but in order to break free, YOU have to be the one to initiate change and stick to making it happen no matter how uncomfortable you may be. I understand that not everyone can be like me and resolve to do everything yourself. Some people need therapy, and some people need medication and that’s fine because as humans, we’re all different in how we cope with things. In my case, it was all about mental fortitude and my own will power. For me personally, I extended my art hiatus and took several more months off of art and just solely focused on myself and my mental health more than anything. I did a lot of soul searching during this time. Ironically, I think my main motivation for crawling out of that hell hole was just hating how much I hated being sad all the time because that’s just a place that I would never want to go back to.

And even now, it’s still a lot of self exploring of what I want for myself and understanding myself. I’m a person with many layers of personality (like an onion!) – and I’m still learning how to embrace all of those layers (even the bad ones) because in the end, your layers combined are what makes you who you are. If you try to reject a part of any layer, that’s pretty much you trying to reject a part of you– which may lead to or cause a lot of internal turmoil. (On a not so serious note, I realize this ‘layer’ thing was a totally unintentional analogy taken from Shrek, imsosorry lol)

And I just realized I took a HUGE tangent, but going back to the experience and personal drive, I think it was some time around 2016 and going into 2017 when I officially made it to be one of my goals for the new year as to get ‘better’ at art. At this point, I had like 10 years of ‘experience’ in digital art (probably a lot less if you factor in my hiatuses but I digress lol), so based off of those past experiences, I know what I’m good at and what needs improvement. (so I know where my groundwork is lacking and what I should focus on) From a mental perspective, I also understand myself more in the sense that I knew what caused mental stress on me, which in turn allows me to not put myself in uncomfortable positions mentally. At the same time, understanding myself has also allowed me to know my limits and understand how much I can push myself.

But more importantly (from an art standpoint), I’ve learned to take a lot of inspiration from other artists and a lot of art friends instead of wanting to have their style of drawing. I think it was important to me to realize and recognize that I will probably never draw like some of them (because they have a lot more experience than me), and that that should be taken as a positive thing because my art should reflect who I am. So remember that onion I was talking about? All the people I look up to and all the people who I’ve befriended through art also play a HUGE role in my many layers because without them, I personally wouldn’t have that personal drive to learn and get better. So def find something that motivates you to be a better version of yourself! (For me it’s music, books, and other people’s art!)

So going back to my main point of talent:

Don’t think of someone else’s talent as something you should replicate. Because honestly speaking, you can’t, since you literally are a different person– and no two people are the same. (Nor are two onions the same)  Instead– take an opportunity to view it as a source of motivation and inspiration to grow and foster your own talent and your own personal growth. Because talent is something you CAN cultivate into something beautiful given time and patience. (Related note: I wrote like an essay in my meet the artist link about my thoughts regarding art and improvement and about comparing yourself to other artists– dunno if that’ll help, but feel free to check it out here lol)  

It took me 12 years for my art to evolve to what it is now (I’m 24 now), and I still think I have a lot more room to grow because there was so much I missed out on when I first started out. So while yes, I would consider myself as ‘talented’, there were so many things that have attributed to and molded my base ‘talent’ from when I was 12  to what is it now. And beauty is, is that that everyone’s base stats are different– heck there are people HALF my age who draw better than I do now and that’s amazing! (Also don’t let someone’s age be a reason to put yourself down either! I personally find young artists super inspiring :’))

But honestly, the most important thing is that in the end, art should be about yourself! As I mentioned before, art and music are linked to me emotionally, so happiness is the main thing that I want my art to bring to me. You shouldn’t do things for the sake of others (like getting notes/being popular), you should do it because it makes you happy. (Because if you’re doing things for others, you’re literally putting your own happiness in the hands of other people– and it shouldn’t be that way) For me, drawing makes me happy because I like to see my progression over the years as well as that sense of accomplishment once you finish a piece.

I’m so sorry that this turned into a really long essay/rambling about my life (i tried to keep it as short as possible, but it still ended up long af weeps), but I just felt the need the type this because I’ve been in a similar position as you before. (When I first read this ask I had like a lot of mixed emotions because I was like yes, it’s a compliment, but at the same time, why do I feel really sad? lol so yeah … sorry about the wall of text)

So don’t wish you were me! LOL :’D (lol trust me bc I am far from perfect) Instead, embrace yourself, (& to paraphrase the chorus of Cypher 4)  know yourself, and most importantly, love yourself because you are ALSO a blooming talent in the garden that is life. 

:) So what I really want to see is the phrase of “you’re everything i wish i was“ turn into something like, “thanks for inspiring me to improve” or something along those lines.

As artists, we all learn off from each other. And personally, I would be honored to be some sort of inspiration to you – but as I said before, please don’t think that you’re any less than me or think negatively about yourself because you are amazing and talented in your own right! :’) And if it helps, I’ll be rooting for you to continue cultivating your own ‘talent’ into something even more spectacular! Nonny HWAITING!

Also if you ever want to talk, feel free to message me! (I hope I don’t come off as intimidating, I’m just very scatterbrained and get distracted easily lol i also apologize for any spelling mistakes in this because im too lazy to proofread lol)