#ayy same day review!!

[after-nine-at-the-oasis]

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

So they do have the gene 😭 well I think they'd have to so they still probably have a chance of not getting it

I think they would've already outright said if they did (also I looked it up, since I'm doing this a little while later because I was doing something, and yeah it's basically 50/50)

AAAAHHHHHHH YEP CONFIRMATION TK HAS IT TOO 😭😭😭😭

AAAAAHHHHH CARLOSSS 😭😭😭 MY BOYSSS

S T O P P P HE LOOKS SO HEARTBROKEN AND LOST 😭😭😭😭💔💔❤️

I just love him so much 😭😭

I will be glad to get the tarlos moments though :')

OPE that doesn't look good o.o

Oh no 😭 and poor guy to be in that bad of shape too :((

Uhhh ohhhh

Then how are they gonna get him out? Or like save him I mean if they have to

I mean they're them so they'll probably stay

AAHHHH YEP EVACUATION

:O NO! TOMMY NO!

AAAAHHHHHHHH

UH OH UH OH UH OH

TOMMMMYYY

OH NO O.O

I don't think they'd permanently/majorly injure someone or kill them off this close to the wedding but still A A H

I'm stressed xd

That's the last of my last thoughts! Now it's time for the. . .

REVIEW

I looved this episode!! I always love Grace storylines and even though I was scared for her for half of it (seeing the girl in the bathtub and remembering what this episode was gonna be was STRESSFUL let me tell you xD), she slayed so hard this episode :DD. By the way the two o's in "loved" was on purpose lol, three (more obviously on purpose) just didn't fit quite right. Anyway, I also enjoyed the Robert and TK/Owen/kind of Carlos plot as well :D! Even if we didn't see to much of it :). But I am S C A R E D. I honestly don't know how this will end up. Anyway, it was great to see the team :D, even if it wasn't too much, and it was nice how even with these bigger plots going on, the type of episode without other calls, we still had one since it led up to the main storyline :). And of course we love Grace and Carlos working together again 🥰🥰. So yeah, just a really great episode all around :D. A bit heartbreaking though xd.

Now it's time for the individual parts!

Marjan! She was great this episode :D. Also, I considered putting most of the team together, but I decided not to and to just put everyone separate this episode :)). Anyway, we didn't see her much, but she slayed as always 🥰. She was great at her job :D. I love her 🥰🥰.

Paul! He was great this episode too, even if we didn't see him much :D. Also we've seen it before but I just love him being the honest one lol xD :). Little details like that are what help bring it together and make them feel like a family :). Anyway, he was great at his job this episode 🥰. Even in the face of relighting fire lol. I love him <33.

Mateo! Even though we didn't see much of him this episode, he was great :D. He also survived (I say that not quite literally but, secondarily, literally as well xD) the relighting fire lol, so good for him xD :D. And he was great at his job this episode :)). Also him saying TK's face looked symmetrical XD. Way to be too specific so we know it's the opposite my boy, lol <33. I love him 🥰🥰❤️.

Nancy! She was great this episode :D. I loved her little interrupt lunch line xD. Anyway, she was great at her job 🥰. Even through the crazy that was illegal organ transplant man xd. Though at least she fared better than TK lol. She did help find the guy though, so that was good :D. But yeah :))! I love her ❤️❤️🥰.

Tommy! She was great this episode 🥰. I especially loved her little moments with Grace :)). Like at the fire station, but even more so the one at the end with her telling Grace to stop moving xD. It's just little things but they're adorable :'). They're besties, your honor <33. Also, she better be okay next episode 😭. I think she probably will, almost definitely, but that doesn't stop me from being afraid xd. She wouldn't leave that man there though, so hopefully they both make it out <33. Safely, as well lol. Even if they have to be rescued, they better be okay :'). Or at least Tommy, no offense sir lol. But back to this episode, I'm glad she managed to help solve everything :). She was great at her job :D. I love her 🥰🥰.

Owen! I live in FEAR!! Anyway xD, he was great this episode lol :). His little moments with Robert were so cute 🥰. He just wants to be brothers your honor :D. I like just said that but whatever I don't care xD. Anyway, I'm glad they get to spend this time together <33. Especially given the news at the end of the episode 😭. I think Owen has a worse chance writing wise than TK, but we'll just have to see. But based on my little bit of research, TK's not even at risk if Owen doesn't have it. So. AAH. Anyway xd. Scary <3. I really do hope everything ends up okay :((. But I'll talk a bit more about that in Judd's - you'll see why. Anyway, I don't think we even saw Owen work this episode xD. But, I'm sure he was good at his job lol :). I love him <33 ❤️.

TK! AAAAHHHHHHHH!! Once again, I LIVE IN FEAR!! Anyway, we'll get to that in a moment xdd. TK was great this epsiode 🥰. Poor man got injured again xdd. I would say punched again, but I don't think we've seen him get punched since 1x03 lol, so I don't think that really counts XD. And he didn't get a concussion, just a black eye, so I'mma just stick to injury. Still, it's just a very TK thing to do xdd. Well, happen to him more than do lol. Anyway xD. Man was going through it lol <33. And he'll be going through it MORE, NEXT EPISODE 😭😭. Sorry, sorry, still not time yet xD. Anyway, seeing him be so excited to meet Robert was so sweet :'DD. And find out about his cousins, of course 🥰🥰. I doubt we'll get it but I honestly really wanna see them come by for a visit at some point in the future, so TK can be a big cousin :'D. Anyway, it was super cute :')). And I love that Robert gave him the journal 😭. So sweet :')). Now TK has a chance to know his grandfather a bit :'D. Loved it <33. Ahh, anyway, I have to mention again that I just enjoyed them mentioning TK getting decked by that guy lol. Idk, it's hard to explain 🥰. I think it's just my love of angst, acknowledgement of injury, and outsider pov lol xDD. Anyway, now, about next episode 😭. I am S C A R E D!! I don't THINK they'd have TK find this out right before his wedding, but I'm not totally sure. I think, like I said, it has a better chance of Owen having it and TK not. Especially since, based on TK research, Owen would have to have it for TK to have a chance of having it. So unless the scare is before they find out if Owen has it or not (and TK's just saying in the scene we saw a bit of, or whatever scene he says it in if it isn't that tarlos scene, that it's in their family) and then it turns out neither of them have it, realistically I'm more eorried about Owen o.o. But favoritism wise I'm more worried about TK xD. I just really hope it all ends up okay 😭😭😭💔💔❤️❤️. I just want them both to be okay <33. I am really sorry for Robert though :((. And it sucks that they'll have to lose him <33 :'((. Maybe we'll see the cousins then lol. Anyway xD. TK was great at his job this episode :). I'm glad he helped find the guy, and we even got a little tarlos moment out of it :D. Yes I'm talking about the "babe", leave me alone XD. And of course the scene after getting punched with the 126 was amazing lol. I love him 🥰🥰❤️❤️.

Judd! He was great this episode :D. I loved all the him and Grace moments 🥰🥰. They are my babeys your honor <333. And I just love how no matter what, even when he needs to call her out, he always supports her <33. They always support each other :')). It's just so great to see <33. And the bit at the end was amazing XD. First fod all, the little forehead kiss 😭😭😭😭?? I'm dead <333, theya re so adorbale your honor :')) <3333. And then him telling off the Detective dude xDD - gold. Literally amazing lol <33. Anyway, I'm so glad Grace is okay, and obviously Judd is too :')). Also, Charlie content <333. We love to see it :D 🥰🥰. And ik I'm just repeaitng the same stuff but the call comforting her, wanting to take off work and take her home, giving he a shoulder massage - he loves her so much and he was there for her every step of the way 😭. Your honor I just love them <333. Anyway, now about next episode xdd. I say xdd because it looks like it's gonna be so crazy lol. But you may be wondering: Oasis, what does that have to do with Judd? Because he looks to be in charge, probably while Owen deals with the situation caused by this week's news? Well, partly, my dear friends, but that's not entriely it. xD. Now, here's the thing. When I went to rewatch the promo (which I did like three times in a row lol) so I could remember little details and the order of things for my delayed liveblogging of it, I saw a comment that was basically like "Is Judd captain now?". Here's the thing: we've been seeing that a lot lately. We know he's basically next in line. I say basically because I mean like "next in line" lol. Anyway! My point is, we've been seeing it a lot. And now, Owen is being threatened by a terminal illness. As in, he might have one. We know he wants Judd to take over should he retire or should something happen to him, which I basically already said, but I bring up because that was after a life threatening experience. He's already been thinking about this. So, though this part I didn't specifically think about until just now (and I don't feel like going back and adding it to Owen's), I wouldn't be surprised if Owen retired next episode. I mean, I would till be surprised, but if he receives a Huntington's diagnosis, I wouldn't be surprised :'(. We've been transitioning Judd viewer wise, having seen him direct so many calls, so it would make sense. But my original thought wasn't that specific. Just that seeing Judd in this role so often would prepare us for Owen leaving, one way or another. And Huntington's would definitely be a reason to do that. And now that I think about it, especially if he wants to spend time with his brother. He even said this episode he was having to take a fair amount of time off work. There's just a bunch of layers to it and whole I'd hate it, I think it would make sense if it does happen. I mean, I'd love Judd as captain, he'd be great at it (as we've seen). But I just don't want that big change right now xd. In my life and also in the timeline of the show lol. And I don't wanna lose Owen <33. Because if he retired, there would be no choice but to see him less. And while sometimes I wouldn't mind that xD, I don't want him gone :'(. I'd miss him <3. But, hopefully this is all just conjecture :'), and Judd's takeover that makes it sound like a hostile takeover lol) doesn't happen till farther in the future :')). I won't say much farther, but past all of this lol. Anyway, back to Judd this episode xd (honestly the future stuff as accidentally more about Owen but whatever, it was also about Judd and if I talk about it in the first one I have to talk about it in both, instead of just the second lol xD it's just more dramatic this way XD). He slayed so hard 🥰. And, as always, he loves Grace with his entire being :DD. I love him <33 ❤️🥰❤️.

Carlos! He was great this episode :D. Like I've said, I love a good Carlos and Grace team up 🥰🥰. I'm so glad we got them again this episode :D. Yk, I was scared (not literally but like ohh noo that would be awkward lol) that TK's section would be longer than Judd's, since I'm kind of puting them in length/focus order, but now I'm thinking Carlos and Grace's won't be aslon as Judd's xD. Ah well, he was sharing some of it with Owen lol. Anyway xD. WE FINALLY GOT NEWS ON DETECTIVE REYES!! It's unfortunately not happening xdd xD. I mean, I think there's still a chance it'll happen in the future (especially if he gets injured or something, but I don't want him to be forced into it xd - or if they do end up having kids I feel like it's more likely. Not necessarily more likely than patrol cop, but more likely to happen then than at another time), but for right now it appears to be a no go :/. I really do want it at some point, but at the same time, I like having him as a patrol officer :D. If only there were something in between xd. I mean, besides him just helping out when he can. But with all his skills I think I will probably happen eventually. I will say though, from a writing standpoint patrol officer does make more sense. With Carlos as a patrol officer he can have more professional interactions with the other characters than he would as a detective. They're much more likely to see each other on calls. So yeah, I don't think they'll just leave it entirely, but it could at least be a more central and solid storyline in the future, the choice and whatnot. But, eh, we'll see :D. For now I just love him 🥰🥰. And I'll love him no matter what :D :). Anyway, I'm scared for TK next week 😭. And thus I'm scared for him <33. But I'm also really excited for that tarlos scene :'DD, the (all, hopefully) the others we'll get :')) 🥰. Presumably lol. But I'm sure there will be at least a couple xD. Anyway, he was amazing at his job this week :)). I'm so glad they caught the trafficking ring :'D. Vengeance for Liz :'). I may have gotten her name wrong there so that's awkward but I'll check later and edit if I'm wrong, even if it's after this sentence lol. Anyway, justice for her and all those other girls too :'DD 🥰🥰🥰. That's great <33. I'm so proud of them all - the victims, and everyone for solving it :D. But yeah, Carlos was awesome :')). I love him <33 ❤️🥰.

Grace! She was amazing this episode :DDD 🥰🥰. She slayed so hard 🥰 :D. Liz (again, I think that was her name xd) dying was so sad DD': 😭😭💔. And I felt so bad for Grace :'((. Not to even mention the part about Charlie - no matter how awful it is, she's right. She's had to fear that, and she has to fear it for Charlie, and that's just horrible :'(( 😭💔. But I'm glad this time everything worked out okay :')) <33. Well, not okay, but they caught them :'). They put a stop to the trafficking ring and I'm so proud of them all <3. But especially Grace :'D. She was there from the beginning, she was investigating form the beginning, she was bringing people in and protecting what people she could. Even if some of it was reckless xD, she did wonderful and I'm so proud of her <33. I know I already said it but it bears repeating xD. And like I also said earlier, Grace and Carlos ALWAYS slay :DD. I know we've only gotten them one other time, unless you count searching for Marjan (I'll probably count that as half lol), but their team up is legendary :)) ;). I love them together <33. Anyway, I'm so glad Grace is okay :'D. I was SCARED with that promo o.o, and throughout the episode, but I figured she would be okay. But some of that figuring was hope, and eve when you know they'll be okay it's still scary xdd. But, she's alright :)). Because she's really freaking smart and an amazing actress xD :D. Honestly, her switching the glasses was so good XD. I didn't think about her doing that but I figured she had to know it was dosed so I just didn't know what would happen lol. Anyway, I feel kind of bad that she was the main character this episode, and the last in the review, but her section will probably be smaller than the last three xd. I still love my girl though <333. And it'll be close, maybe longer than the last one, so eh :)). Anyway, I have to say again that I loved her and Judd this episode :'DD. They're always adorbale but it's always nice to see how much they love each other :')) <333. Those two "always"s are very close together but it just needed to be that way lol. Anyway, they're just so sweet, and they had a bunch of tender moments too :')). As per usual, lol ❤️. They're just great and I love my children so much <33. It's just beautiful to see how much they love each other and how supportive they are of one another :'DD. Anyway, yeah <333. Grace was amazing at he job his episode :)). I love her ❤️❤️🥰🥰 <33.

Overall, I really enjoyed this episode! I thought the plots were great, and there were some really funny moments xD. There were also some really heartbreaking ones 😭, but they were great too <3. Honestly there wasn't too much humor this episode, but it still worked :). Everyone was great, even if we didn't see them much. I am SCARED for next time though xdd. For several people, lol - namely Tommy, Owen, and TK, but just in general lol. And AAHHH the last one before the finale :'D. I can't y'all it doesn't feel like it's over yet xd. But alas, it almost is :'D. At least then I won't have to worry about them all the time though, lol xD. It's like they're my reckless children lol (really, they are). Anyway! I loved this episode :)). It really brought the drama, but it also has a lot of really sweet moments :'DD 🥰. Emotions all around, and it was amazing :)).

So yeah! I loved this episode, I thought it was really great. I'm scared for the next one! This ahs been my review of. . .

9-1-1: Lone Star, Season 4, Episode 15: Donors

It was amazing! I'm really excited for the next episode, but I'm also super nervous. I'll be back here next week with my review of. . .

9-1-1: Lone Star, Season 4, Episode 16: A House Divided

See you next week!

[teddy06writes]

A Day In The Life

requesred by this genius anon: “Aight imma hit you with a good one: Literally everything as platonic, but a day in the life of reader in high school with the minor gang (too my, tubbo, ranboo) and all the faculty at the school are dreamsmp members”

Platonic! Minors gang (tommy, tubbo, ranboo and purpled) x reader

trigger warnings: none

premise: a day in the life of a student at the DSMP public high school 

{with all the shit that goes on the smp there's no way it could be anything but a public school}

{also if I do things slightly off or something its cause my high school is weird, we only have four blocks a day, but I think most have seven, so we’re going with that}

{also the dream/george thing, is based on two of the sciences teachers at my school being suspected of having an affiar}

{Full teacher list:

English: Mr. NotFound

Drama: Mr. Soot

Spanish: Mr. Dream (its mexican dream lol)

Gym: Coach Sapnap and Coach Punz

Home ec: Miss Nihachu

Music: Mr. Quackity

Chemistry: Mr. Halo}

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Home room: Mr. Callahan

You sighed, trudging toward the school entrance, god it was way to early for this. 

The halls were already crowded with people heading to there home rooms, and Mr. Minecraft, the principal, was standing outside the admin offices, greeting everyone with a smile. 

“Good morning, (y/n).” 

“Good morning Mr. Minecraft.” You grumbled as you passed. 

You hurried through the foyer and up the stairs, toward Mr. Callahan’s room. 

“Hey!” Tubbo called, hurrying down the hallway, “(y/n)!”

“Hey Tubbo.” you yawned.

He fell into step with you, “You think Callahan will actually show today?” 

The one good thing about your home room teacher is that none of the kids ever seemed to have seen him. It meant that some days, while other home rooms had lectures of bullying or something, your class got to hang out for 30 minutes. 

“I don’t think he even exists.” Purpled said, falling in on your other side. 

“He definitely doesn’t.” You agreed. 

~~

History: Mr. Blade

“Hey (y/n)!” Ranboo called from his seat at the front of the room as you came in. 

He was lucky enough to have moved homerooms and ended up getting the same room as his first block. 

“Hello Ranboo.” you sighed, sitting down in your seat next to him. 

Tommy came in and plopped down behind you, “Well you sound like shit.”

“No swearing in my classroom, Tommy.” Mr. Blade chided, hardly looking up from the book on his desk. 

You turned to look at Tommy, “It’s too early for this.” 

“You say that everyday!” He laughed. 

“Yeah! Cause this class starts at 7:45 in the god damn morning!” You half exclaimed. 

“Bloody hell you’d think you’d get used to it-” 

“Tommy, what did I say about swearing?” Mr. Blade cut Tommy off. 

“But you didn’t yell at (y/n)!” Tommy yelled, “That’s not fair Tech!” 

Me. Blade glared at his brother, “Do you want me to send you down to Phil’s office Tommy?” 

“I didn’t even do anything!”

After a moment under Mr. Blades glare, Tommy sighed, “Please don’t send me down to Phil.” 

The teacher didn’t respond, instead standing up and moving to stand in front of the board, queuing up the intro slides for the day, “All right everyone, settle down. Today in our ‘tour of the ancient world’ or whatever, we’re going to start our mini unit on Greece.”

~~

Statistics/Math: Mr. Was Taken

After a class that ended mostly in a rant about the myth of Heracles, you said goodbye to Ranboo and Tommy and met up with Purpled to head to math. 

Mr. Wastaken was already passing out the notes when you two got there, sliding into your seats at the back of the classroom just as the bell rang. 

“You’re late.” He chided, dropping the papers onto your desk, then Purpleds. 

“Purp needed to refill his water bottle.” You explained. 

“Seriously?” Mr. Wastaken questioned, “Dude, it’s second block, why the hell was your water already empty?” 

Purpled shrugged, “P.E?” 

“Ehh, wrong, Sapnap doesn’t have you till sixth period.” 

“Stairs... are murder man.” He fumbled. 

You nodded, “First floor to the fourth floor is tough Mr. Wastaken.” 

Rolling his eyes, the teacher moved back to the front of the room, “Alright, last nights homework was a bit of a flop so we’ll be more review for the quiz tomorrow.” 

You groaned internally, pulling out your pencil. 

Purpled nodded, “I fuckin hate review days.” 

“I can hear you, you know!” Mr. WasTaken half yelled. 

~~

Chemistry: Mr. Halo

After Math you and Purpled headed down to the science hall to meet back up with Tubbo to head to Chem. 

“Welcome back everybody!” Mr. Halo greeted cheerily, “Good to see smiling faces for chemistry!” 

How he managed to stay so upbeat, no one would ever know.

You sat down at your lab table with Tubbo, “You think we actually make it to doing the lab today before he starts talking about Mr. Skeppy again?” 

“Oh no chance.” 

You chuckled, pulling out your notebook as Mr. Halo pulled up the opening review before the lab. 

Twenty minutes later found you elbow deep in the lab, quite literally. 

“It was supposed to just be a small scale elephants toothpaste!” Mr. Halo cried. 

Purpled grinned, “You should’ve taken my wildcard factor into account sir.” 

You laughed, wiping the foam off your apron (thank god for lab aprons), “That was brilliant!” 

A few minutes earlier, Tubbo had helped him do out the math to scale up the experiment by 20%, and you had willingly given up your own materials to help.

Now most of the classroom was covered in the foam, and Purpled and the girl who had been unfortunate enough to be partnered with him were knee deep in it. 

“I sent the video to the groupchat.” Tubbo whispered.

“Good.” You chuckled again. 

Mr. Halo groaned, “You three start cleaning this up, Elizabeth, dear, why don’t you join a different group.”

“I volunteer to switch with her!” Drista yelled, “they look like fun!” 

Mr. Halo sighed, “No- no absolutely not- I can’t deal with you added to the mix.” 

Drista pouted, the rest of the class went back to there work, and you, Tubbo and Purpled began to clean up the foam. 

~~

Drama: Mr. Soot

As Purpled left for his history class, you and tubbo headed twoard the music/performing arts suit, where you met up with Ranboo. 

“Tommy said he wished he could’ve been there to see the foam.” Ranboo reported as Tubbo peeled off into the band room, and you both continued on to the green room. 

“Hello, Hello, Hello!” Mr. Soot greeted in an aussie accent (you know the one). 

“Oh god please say were not doing accents today.” Ranboo muttered. 

Mr. Soot laughed, “Nah, we’re going to do some more rounds of improv.” 

“Oh thank god.” You said as you moved to take a seat at one of the side tables. 

“That would have been hell.” Ranboo agreed. 

More people poured into the room, take seats all around as Mr. Soot began to dig through on of the closets. 

As the bell rang he let out a triumphant cheer, turning around and brandishing a very large bowl of paper slips, “I found the prompts!” 

“Oh dear lord.” Ranboo muttered.

“Mr. Soot can we please do like, anything else?” You asked, “Like scenes, or hell I’d even take monologues, you know we’re all shit at improv!” 

The teacher sighed, “I suppose we could do something else. I guess we can begin our next topic, you’re all going to be assigned scenes and given time to practice them, we’ll present on Friday!” 

The entire class breathed a sigh of relief that you had managed to change his mind. 

~~ English: Mr. NotFound 

After a very chaotic lunch full of Tubbo retelling a bunch of jokes Mr. Quackity had told during music,  you trudged off to the one class that didn’t have any of your main group of friends in. 

The one good thing about having Mr. NotFound as a teacher was that he had no clue what he was doing. 

More often then not you would be left to do essays or read the required books, and then watch the movies that went along with them.

And, just your luck, your English block happened to take place during Mr. Wastaken’s prep period. 

“Right, everyone, today’s a work day, finish up anything you need to for this class, or another, and I’ll put on a movie.” Mr. NotFound said as soon as everyone was seated. 

Ten minutes into the movie the teacher had left, and you pulled up the group chat.

(y/n): Mr. NotFound has yet again suspiciously left during class. 

Purp: sus

Purp: just went by WasTaken’s room

Purp: he’s not there

BooBoy: I saw him down in the science hall ten minutes ago

BeEs: Science hall is oposite to English isn’t it

(y/n): yeah it is

BooBoy: very sus

Purp: I swear their having an affair

BeEs: defintly a lesbian

BeEs: *leassion

BeEs: lesion

BeEs: le-a-zon

BeEs: you know what I mean!

BooBoy: take your time Tubbo

You chuckled quietly, putting your phone down to look back up at the movie on the screen. 

~~

Spanish: Mr. Dream (its mexican dream lol)

“AYYYY kids!”

You groaned as your Spanish teacher burst into the room.

“What is with this guy?” Tommy muttered. 

“ayy man not cool.” Mr. Dream said. 

“Mr. Dream your ten minutes late!” Someone pointed out. 

“SHut up man. And I told you just call me Mexican Dream!” The teacher said. 

You frowned, “That doesn’t make sense, theres no way your first name is ‘mexican’.” 

“Well its not,” He explained, “But its cause I’m the Mexican version of that math teacher!” 

“Why couldn’t I have taken French like Boo and Purp?” Tommy asked the ceiling quietly.

~~ Home ec: Miss Nihachu

The last block of the day was always the best, but not just because school would be over soon. 

There were three main reasons why everyone agreed it was the best. 

1. Miss Nihachu was the nicest teacher in school

2. baking was done often, and everyone always got to take some home

3. it was the one class you, Tommy, Tubbo, Ranboo and Purpled all had together. 

Soon your found yourself crowded into one of the tiny kitchen areas with all your friends, as Miss Nihachu gave instructions. 

“Now, if you make a mess you will be cleaning it up! I’m looking at your kitchen a!” She said, half threateningly.

Ranboo pushed away from the group, “I’m not with them I swear!” 

Miss Nihachu rolled her eyes playfully, “Sure your not.” 

Surprisingly, a mess was not fully made. 

Somehow between Tommy wanting to taste the cookie dough at every step from butter to flour, Tubbo trying to add as many chocolate chips as he could, and Purpled all but refusing to move from where he was sitting on the counter, you and Ranboo managed to get the cookies into the oven with no real disasters. 

As you wiped down the empty counter space you sighed, “That wasn’t too bad.” 

“Yeah.” Tubbo agreed. 

Tommy only nodded, still eating the large glob of cookie dough he’d stolen. 

Ten minutes before the bell rang and when everyone was supposed to be finishing cleaning up you sniffed the air suspiciously, “Why do I smell burning?” 

Tubbo took a deep breath, “I smell it too.”

“Oh yeah, something is definitly burning.” Ranboo agreed. 

You whirled to face Purpled, who was absently scrolling through his phone, “Purp you did set a timer right?” 

[naralanis]

Fic Writer Review!

Thanks @mssirey for the tag! I totally didn't have a crisis with the very last question, not at all bwhahaha

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

41, soon to be 42. ASJKLDBLAHSDSD how. And also why. But mostly, how.

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

565,934 EXCUSE ME WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. I was going to check my unpublished works but ya know what. Maybe I've written enough akdjsa

3. How many fandoms have you written for?

Technically speaking, I've written and published fics for five fandoms. However, I only have one story for OUAT (and I have @shadowdianne to thank for that... or do I?) and one for Captain Marvel. Mirandy was my first love, Cissamione the second, and Supercorp has burrowed in my brain and just won't let go.

I've also technically written for Xena, Legend of Korra, and Criminal Minds, but since I never published those, we're going to pretend they don't exist!

4. Top 5 fics by kudos?

Only two are WIPs! YEAH! They're the top two, but WHO CARES, here they are:

1) Perhaps, aka my baby, my child, my darling, the apple of my eye. If I ever had to choose to finish only ONE of my WIPs, this would be the one. This story has grown with me, and I think you can tell when you read. Or maybe not!

2) For the Better. If the former is my baby, this one is like... my moody teenager. I love it dearly, but... it takes a lot out of me. An ode to one of the first fandoms I actively wrote for, it sits unfinished, but nearly, oh so nearly done. I will finish it, damn ittt.

3) The Date. Honestly, this one really surprised me -- it's one of my oldest one-shots, and something I definitely dashed off between lectures back in Scotland, maybe alternating with FtB chapters. It's one of my first attempts at humour, I think.

4) Bits and Pieces. AYY, I wasn't sure Supercorp would make the cut, WOOOT! This one was the second Supercorp fic I ever wrote, and I did it because Lena Is Baby and the idea just wouldn't leave my brain.

And lastly, the fabulous number 5... Perfect. AKA Nara's First (published) Explicit Fic, featuring Praise Kink and an Enchanted Dildo (for... reasons). I'm not gonna lie, I am so HAPPY this one made it, because it has a special place in my heart. It's where Soft Butch Hermione comes to life, and if you don't love Soft Butch Hermione, I'm sorry, we can't be friends. I love her.

5. Do you respond to comments? Why/why not?

Eeermmm... some? I do want to respond, but I'm terrible with keeping up with comments, I really am. For whatever reason, even when I do my best, I don't really love responding directly on AO3. I also turned off all email notifications for AO3 because turns out my brain WILL be distracted by even a single one.

I'm much more responsive on Tumblr, I promise!

6. A fic you've written with the angstiest ending:

Any of my Narlily works, I guess? Like... All Flowers Wither or Carry On.

Unshackled would be another one, though it's Cissamione... but I caved and made a happy(ish) second part for that one.

7. Do you write crossovers?

Nope! Crossovers just don't do it for me, generally speaking (reading or writing).

8. Ever received hate on a fic?

EvEr rEcEIvEd hAtE-- yes. Oh, yes. I've been told my writing is terrible, I've been told my stories were a 'waste of time,' or 'overhyped,' I've had people tell me there was only One Way to write a certain pairing and my way was definitely Not The Way.

The list goes on.

It used to really, really bother me--still does, but in a much smaller way. Delete/Block buttons are my friends.

9. Do you write smut?

I write an absurd amount of smut. I just don't publish any of it because. Fear.

My pretty, pretty pens have created some filthy, filthy things.

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

A couple of times -- only once or twice like, straight up attributed to someone else who acted like they were the one writing it. The other times were reposts or translations (without my permission, so still. stolen).

11. Ever had a fic translated?

I've authorized a couple of translations of a few of my DWP works. I'm usually cool with people translating my stuff IF THEY ASK ME FIRST and GIVE ME PROPER CREDIT.

9/10 it's some Brazilian who translates it to Portuguese without my permission and then gets upset when I, another Brazilian, do not endorse it and politely ask them to take the thing down. Thankfully it's been a while. ASK ME, DAMN IT.

12. Have you ever co-written a fic?

Nothing published bwhaha!

13. All-time favourite ship?

Right now SuperCorp is definitely barking a little louder, so to speak, but I don't really have one favourite overall. It depends on the fandom, sometimes! Cissamione is very dear to my heart, because it's just so fucking out there and literally every one in this ship has some of the most fascinating headcanons for this pairing and it's just. So wonderful.

14. WIP you want to finish, but don't think you ever will?

Eeeeuuughhh.... Right now? Probably The Appraisal. I forget what I wanted to do with it, I'm not sure if I'm still feeling the premise... IDK.

I think the same could be said of For the Better, but I PROMISED to finish it, and GOD DAMN IT, I am so close I can't throw in the towel just yet.

15. Writing strengths?

You want ME to say good things about MYSELF? I'm still learning how to do that asldkjbasdn it's a work in progress. But I think I'd say... maybe world-building, at least on my longer works?

I would also like to think I do pretty OK in... IDK, some of the punchy stuff? The 'oh wait a minute' moment? IDK if that makes sense!

16. Writing weaknesses?

Organizing. Plot (HAHA IKR). Consistency. Editing (which is rich from someone who literally edits shit for a living... but go figure). Pacing. Weirdly long sentences? Commas for DAYS.

I could go on.

17. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in a fic?

I am a-OK attempting it in French/Spanish/Portuguese. It may not sound natural, but it will be correct. If I'm trying another language, I'll definitely get help! But I've got no problem with it.

18. First fandom you ever wrote for?

Harry Potter, Dramione specifically, and you'll never find a shred of it. I was like 12, and almost a decade later I figured out Hermione was much better off with Draco's mother.

19. What's your fav fic you've written so far?

DON'T MAKE ME CHOOOSE asdkljasdl I CAAANNN'TTTT

I mean, obviously Perhaps is one of them -- it is my baby, that has been established. I think Little Bumps in the Road is also up there, because it was just a random writing exercise that got out of hand, and honestly? I'm here for it. Andddd.... I GUESS I'll put A Valentine's Evening up there as well, because it was the first time I didn't second guess every word I wrote when posting smut. I just... felt it, went for it, wrote it, and it felt really, really good to release some of that into the world lol

WHEW, this was a long one! I'll be tagging @intheinkpot, @shadowdianne, @delirious-comfort, and @16-pennies because I am a curious bastard. But, as always, feel free to treat this as an open tag. Go nuts!

[bangtanfan]

How Black Swan helped me get back my lost passion

When I was in first grade I wrote my first poem. When I was in third grade I wrote my first story. That's when I fell in love with writing.

I would write every single day. I would stay up until 3-4 am just writing and I loved every single thing about it. I loved writing and I loved what I wrote.

I kept that passion fired up until late in high school when I discovered a website where you can share your stories. I was excited because for so long I was the only one who read my stories. I was excited to share it to people and to have positive feed back. I was so sure I can do it because to me, my stories were great! But it didn't turn out the way I wanted to.

Months passed, I have published 20+ chapters of my stories but there were less than 100 views. There were no comments either. That to me was a failure. I realized that I wasn't as good as I thought I was but that didn't stop me from writing.

I would bring my stories to school, working on them during breaks and even letting my classmates read them. Until one day, while my classmate was reading one of my stories, hw returned my notebook back to me and said that he didn't feel like reading it anymore because it was boring. That was when I started to really doubt myself.

Am I really good at it? Or do I just think that way? For a teenager these comments really hurt a lot. It's something that I loved dearly and something I was really really proud of so when they told me it was boring I was really discouraged.

It didn't help that I still wasnt getting reads on my stories that I published online. It came to the point where I reread all of my chapters to check for grammatical errors or just any mistake. I thought maybe if I wrote it 'perfectly' then people would start to appreciate it.

It went on like that for years. I wrote with perfection in mind. The first thing that I ask myself when I write is if people would like it.

I was still unsuccessful. I was also slowly writing less and less. There was no satisfaction anymore. I felt like there was no point because nobody liked them anyway.

Then came college. It was busier this time. I had no more time for anything other than studying. So I stopped writing altogether. I had 10+ stories that I put on hold.

I busied myself with other things. I wrote my thoughts on paper but I no longer wrote stories. Sometimes the urge to write again would come but every time I open a new notebook I would just stare at it not knowing what to do. It was sad because I realized that the one thing that brought me joy before doesn't bring me happiness anymore. I felt nothing. Then I felt scared.

I was scared when I realized that I was losing my passion. I was no longer the young ambitious girl who stays up all night making worlds and creating characters. I was no longer passionate about writing. I felt so lost because for so long that to me was my identity. I was a writer. Was.

But I just let it go because like I said I was busy with other things.

Until that day when I was reviewing for the board exams. I looked over to the notebooks that I haven't opened in years and I just cried because I remembered what I really wanted to do. I wanted to write. I didn't want to become an accountant I wanted to become a writer but I thought that was impossible because I no longer felt happy.

I was scared because I lost that feeling. I was scared and I was desperately trying to find her, that ambitious girl filled with excitement and fired up with passion but I can't seem to find her anymore.

I wondered, is there anybody out there who felt the same? Is there anyone out there who knows how I feel or am I making a big deal out of nothing?

A couple of days later Black Swan by BTS came out. They were talking about the same things that was going in my head. They were talking about their fears of waking up one day and not liking what they were doing anymore. It was sad. Sad but relatable because that's exactly what I'm feeling!

I felt understood. I felt comforted know that somewhere someone knows how I am feeling. I'm not making a big deal out of it because it is a big deal. It's a genuine fear and it's valid. I wasn't alone.

I took a couple days off after that. I spent some days just contemplating. One question kept me up at night: Why did you start writing anyway? The answer is simple: I loved it.

I started writing because I loved writing. It made me happy when I finish a story. It makes me happy when I start a new story. I love the freedom that it gave me. I loved that everyday, it was a new journey for me. I was happy.

I realized that by putting other people's opinions first when I am writing, I am throwing away that freedom that it gives me.

After that, I deleted all of the works I posted online. I promised myself that I'll start writing again but this time I will write for my own satisfaction. I will write what I want to write not what people want to read. I will write for myself.

I've been slowly writing again. It's still not as much as before but it's a start. This time I'm no longer censoring myself. I no longer think of whether people will like it or not. I feel free.

Honestly, if it wasn't for that song I probably wouldn't have started writing again. I would've thought that it was not a big deal and that it's natural to let go of your childhood dreams as you grow older. But the truth is we dont have to give those dreams up right?

Tldr; Black Swan made me realize that the fear of losing your passion is a true fear but we can get over it as long as we remember why we started doing what we we're doing.

[Intro: Jimin]

Do your thang

Do your thang with me now

Do your thang

Do your thang with me now

What’s my thang?

What’s my thang? Tell me now

Tell me now

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

[Verse 1: Suga]

Ayy, the heart no longer races

When hearing the music play

Tryna pull up

Seems like time has stopped

Oh, that would be my first death

I been always afraid of

[Verse 2: RM]

If this can no longer resonate

No longer make my heart vibrate

Then like this may be how I die my first death

But what if that moment’s right now, right now?

[Pre-Chorus: V, Jimin]

Heartbeat pulsing slow in my ears bump, bump, bump

Try to flee but back into the maw jump, jump, jump

No song affects me anymore

Crying out a silent cry

[Chorus: All]

Ocean with all light silenced shut yeah, yeah, yeah

My wandering feet held in a rut yeah, yeah, yeah

Every noise and sound's been cut yeah, yeah, yeah

Killin’ me now, killin’ me now

Do you hear me? Yeah

Sinking slowly like in a trance, nah, nah, nah

Struggle but it's all ocean floor nah, nah

Every moment becomes eternity, yeah, yeah, yeah

Film it now, film it now

Do you hear me? Yeah

[Refrain: Jimin, V]

Do your thang

Do your thang with me now

Do your thang

Do your thang with me now

What’s my thang?

What’s my thang? Tell me now

Tell me now, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

[Verse 3: J-hope]

Deeper

Yeah, I think I’m goin’ deeper

I keep losing focus

No, just let go of me

Let my own feet carry me

I'll go in myself

In the deepest depths

I saw myself

[Verse 4: Suga]

Slowly, I open my eyes

I'm in my workroom, it's my studio

The waves

Go darkly by in a throe

But I'll never get dragged away again

Inside I saw myself, myself

[Pre-Chorus: V, Jin]

Heartbeat racing in my ears bump, bump, bump

Eyes wide open into my forest jump, jump, jump

Nothing can devour me

I shout out with ferocity

[Chorus: All]

Ocean with all light silenced shut yeah, yeah, yeah

My wandering feet held in a rut yeah, yeah, yeah

Every noise and sound's been cut yeah, yeah, yeah

Killin’ me now, killin’ me now

Do you hear me? Yeah

Sinking slowly like in a trance nah, nah, nah

Struggle but it's all ocean floor nah, nah

Every moment becomes eternity yeah, yeah, yeah

Film it now, film it now

Do you hear me? Yeah

[Outro: Jin, Jungkook]

Do your thang

Do your thang with me now

Do your thang

Do your thang with me now

What’s my thang?

What’s my thang? Tell me now

Tell me now

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

[sole-cuore-amore-e-droga]

Tel Aviv 2019: Straight outta Australia to Eurovision with the Statue of Liberty's opera number

It took 4 years for Australia to figure out one day, “you know what would improve our chances with the viewing audience that’s tired of bland and easily produced pop? That’s right, a GODDAMN NATIONAL FINAL!!!! anyone here agreeing, mates? ehhh???”. And so we finally had an Australia Decides - the whateverth of many of the NFs to be added to the NF family. Where only the best of the best Australian acts compete for their title to get to Eurovision. The last Australian NFs I’ve seen before then were fan-made NFs for online Eurovision fan contests. And they were fun, but now they’re not as fun anymore as a real life-sized counterpart, with shorter than 1 week voting periods, real live performances of totally new songs, all on the same arena, and actual hosts instead of the short but clear instructions of “here are the songs, here are the voting details”. Good times.

Rather exciting the show was, full of anything AND everything. And what did it birth? The first ever totally white Australian participant (nothing wrong with it, it’s just that other 4 ones were of more exciting descents than European), Kate Miller-Heidke. The surprisingly older-than-she-looks operatic blonde with a sizeable career to boot, with nice songs on her overall repertoir (and a chubby lil bun of a son :3). I admit I knew of her from one of those mentioned online fan contests, at the very time one of her songs “Sarah” was popular in a fan circle of like 150-200 people. Since then I heard two more of her songs, so when she (and Sheppard) were announced as part of the Australia Decides lineup, I was excited because of the “automatic name recognition alert!!!” triggering in my head. And I hoped her song is as exciting.

But then I did listen to “Zero Gravity”. And I got confused.

But then again, it’s Kate. I had this moment of realisation that I actually am not a huge fan of her music overall? Just a couple of songs here and there, and probably that’s all. The other ones that I listened to that aren’t those ‘couple of songs’ are nice, but something that I’d only listen to volutarily to torture my inner state of mind.

For me the problem probably arises from the fact that I don’t feel the song’s structure and a lot of things feel like unfinished (because it takes a humongously long time between songlines ksksksk). But at the same time it might as well be the point of the song?? As far as I remember this is very much so about mental issues and how is one trying to break free off them while entering the “ze-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-eeeeeee-ro gra-a-a-a-a-a-aaaaaaa-vity”, and the “stone in shoe” thing (don’t you hate it when you find tiny-ass pebbles in your shoes, guys? cuz I do!!! let alone finding bigger sized ones like Kate just did!!!). Whatever’s keeping her down this time. But for some reason I don’t quite think that Eurovision has really been graced with great mental issue songs - Malta last year was just a cheap pop song stuck in the early 2010s with its dubstep sound; Romania last year was just an average teen sitcom background rock song, and it’s a shame about it being all that forgotten by others because I just happened to like it more and I feel for all those that feel depressed about their own existence and feel like saying “goodbye cruel world, I’ll see you never again anymore”. It feels odd not wanting to break the taboo before I become an animal or going where there’s zero gravity with these songs, yanno what I mean??

BUT! I didn’t say I hate that song. It has its qualities. Like, the verses are pretty decent, it’s just that the chorus feels completely detaching from my interest, which baffles me because I wanna like it more. We have these standard 00s mild-synthpop-like choruses and Kate’s blissful singing into your ear (ffs she starts her verses with “hey you” with THAT vocal sound. You don’t feel like turning up to her to ask “yes”??) on top of them, and then the chorus buildup feels like a helium balloon ride I wanna be let go of already. Alright, well, the 1st post-chorus doesn’t sound TOO bad... but the 2nd one, I’m not really a huge fan of it when she vocally warms up and then SPITS the opera vocals at me scarily. I’m spooked out. And then the last minute of the song is spent with sounding like it’s taken from a cheap-rent theatre play (I say ‘cheap’ because nothing here aside Kate’s voice sounds like OTT theatrical musicals to me), now with some more of delightful opera voice and the backings reminding us all that ain’t nothin’ holdin’ Kate down no’ mo’, ayy! The ending of the song is just so painfully obviously theatrical though, where all the horns rise up and let out a final blast with the final high vocal note like a flat silver-painted chocolate star on top of a dazzling white cinnamon-lemon cake with white glaze and some red berries sprinkled around... I guess I felt excited, I guess I felt like I was carried through a musical journey, but I still ended up completely unsatisfied because there were long pauses in the song that didn’t reasonate with me all that much. My soul really has something against songs that only have two verses and two choruses and that sound like they have potential but are overally unappealing (like me not getting over at how silly “Meggyfa” from A Dal 2018 sounds with all those horsefly and DAW-produced cartooney violins thrown in the song... it should have sounded like a fairytale about a king’s cherry tree, not a peasant’s made-up hallucination of an old and dried-out cherry bush :V). There shall be the day I overcome that obstacle, but for now, I’ll keep it be...

All in all, a competently composed, but at the same time, estrangedly composed song, performed by a classical fairy princess dressed in white and decorated by glitter (and her complementary backings that are cheerful enough sounding for a pop and/or tune). And the entry shines bright, too. As much as Kate’s beautiful teeth and shiny red lips - a perfect combo that could potentially scare an audience for being too perfect.

Approval factor: I’m on a fence with this one, yet again, but my views are leanings toward a mild non-approval. Though objectively I do approve this because it’s finally not a safe-ass entry that is just there to keep Australia afloat on Eurovision, but subjectively... it will take me several lightyears just to get over that severely cheap-ish chorus.

Follow-up factor: Again, it follows up the trail of Australia’s in Eurovision nicely, being so far something totally and completely unexpected from the nation’s, and something so daring in Eurovision overall (we got plain opera songs in the past, now here’s a more popera-musical crossover song that is not anyhow as schlagertastic as that one entry performed by Greta Thunberg’s mom 10 years ago!). A step in the right direction, even if it means that I am personally still inner screaming about it, lol.

Qualification factor: it’s perfectly capable of floating through a couple of places in the territory of both a safe qualification comfort and a hellish danger zone. I’ll leave it up for juries and televotes to judge it for themselves, but for me personally? If that pink foggy cloud from Greece underperforms with no chances to come back into a better shape, I think it could lend a spot to the Oz’s even-foggier thundercloud of joy, and it could even climb up higher if people aren’t overly charmed by the other game changers of the semifinal (like Iceland and Portugal, especially Portugal). But as of now, I guess I’m indifferent anyway the wind blows, and literally anything can happen. It’s truly one of those “anything can happen” songs, I assure you 100%, and it shall be fine, and any result for it will be perceived as spectacular, imo.

NATIONAL FINAL BONUS

FYI, if y’all want, you can rewitness the whole show here (before SBS sues off that for copyright reasons), but let me guide you through some of my personal highlights:

• If you guys that ever read these reviews know of any other Sheppard song than “Geronimo” then it’s okay, and it’s also okay if you don’t (and if you even haven’t heard of “Geronimo”)! I’m just saying that these guys were the first ever exciting sight in the Australia Decides lineup (along with KMH of course), and now, I’m not saying I wanted something that could top over the hit song of these guys in my personal opinion (well their actual NF song, “On My Way”, might be slightly on the path of suffering from the “it’s-no-hit-song-so-it’s-automatically-disappointing”-itis, which is incredibly contagious, especially for all the one hit wonders out there (and not only), but despite people accusing it of not being “Geronimo” here and there, I sat down, listened and simply liked it), I am just saying to stop throwing shit at the artist just because their management is worse than their music. Yeah! Remember the time it was uncovered that Sheppard is funded by their parents’ business being torturous? There are Papua New Guinean asylum seekers locked away in a faraway island where all kinds of shit happens - abuse, torture, rape... and the parent Sheppard is responsible for all this (well actually he’s only 1/3 of the responsible men), and he makes profit off it. That’s disgusting to the max, I know, and by no means I support this pasttime, but I really hope that the Sheppard kids don’t support the way their parents get the money to fund their hopes and dreams, otherwise... well anti-stans you were right. I might as well begin regretting stanning Sheppard now but for a dumb bitch I am there always exist a shard from a broken hope I can hang on to just in case things would get better. Just like the time when Kesha broke free from the Ke$ha image at the time it came out to light that her former producer, Dr. Luke, is THAT kind of guy. Anyway, if there are people down here that sometimes come for the music and not for the backstory, I’ll leave a video for Sheppard’s entry, which wouldn’t have come onto Australia Decides if not for the Sheppard fans (that they still had before the mentioned incident?) that encouraged them to go ^_^ Is your love for this song on fire? (probably not but I still am asking b/c fuck it)

• I know what you’re thinking, so I’ll include Electric Fields as well. And with a good enough cause because I liked their song too, just like many people did. “2000 and Whatever” mixes electronic music with a relatable message for all the millenials out there who don’t want to “live forever”, Aboriginal sounds and cool inclusion of new and unheard-in-Eurovision-before language(s?) and all in all would have definitely made a more kickass Australian entry for this year. And what’s the best about it? They didn’t need to have a big fanbase like Sheppard’s or a relatively middle-sized abroad but big inside like Kate’s. They did THAT by being incredibly fun and unique and gained both national AND international fans with their one year Australia Decides stint, and now the fans are hopeful to see this duo come out on another Australia Decides in the future. I salute their newborn fanbase for being so passionate and hopeful already. Oh, and of course, they got a meme out of their way at the same time without even needing to win (which wouldn’t have happened if not for SBS’s care to translate different languages than their own):

casually describing the jury chatter on National Finals like

But my favourite moment of the performance that they had is when the lead singstress let go of her headscarf to show off her beautiful long dreads to the viewing audience <3333

• For those combined fans of both ESC and RuPaul’s Drag Race, Australia fished out a special surprise with Courtney Act (what, you thought all drag race queens have had to be American of origin?!) being on the lineup as well! Together with several other dancers, she presented “Fight for Love” (not to be confused with Dami Im’s “Fighting for Love”) on the Gold Coast stage - just your typical soft club banger with tight red dressing reminiscent of Lady Gaga’s eccentric costume era and Courtney’s special stare:

I HAVE SPECIAL EYES

(what’s more hilolololarious is that Logo, who aired BOTH ESC AND RDP, has not gotten a renewed contract for Eurovision this year, which means that if Courtney DID win, the Muricans would not be able to see a drag alum they might have loved at some point! As they already cannot broadcast Lady Madge, the only American performing on show, flashing her covered-up sponge pudding. A devastation <3)

• Hey, let’s not underestimate the other acts, too! There were 6 others that I didn’t mention, and among them my favourites were Ella Hooper (as during her performance I felt like I was watching that Shania Twain concert DVD again with her outfit being as outstanding as in this video) and Alfie Arcuri (one of the other names I heard before just like Kate and Sheppard - it’s a homosexual guy that feels confident enough with his sexuality by turning his struggles to songs!), and Leea Nanos (a 16 year old girlie who, like Electric Fields, don’t really have fans, but she came here to have a good time and performed confidently enough for her age! *clap* *clap*) wasn’t so bad, either.

• Australia Decides as a whole is a thing to remember. Not too annoying hosts? Check. Beautiful introductionary postcards (involving the NF guys going around to enjoy nature, talking some more about themselves and a specific soundshape for each act at the end of each postcards)? Check. (Fun) Interviews with the contestants and interval acts?? Yeah, you can check that as well. Behind-the-scenes get-togethers of every one of the participants and them getting to partake in a fun questionnaire?? Wow, they even have that!!! All in all I admired this slick production, the smooth flow and the nice details that went into this whole event. Thumbs up on that one! First organisational pancake did not burn up.

• Then again, every single one of those nice ones have to have an ugly interval act hidden somewhere, like, the German drag-like caricature that appeared on AGT not so long ago, Hans from Adelaide, who did a Eurovision medley and included “Ooh Aah (Just a Little Bit)” in it as well... needless to say, the fandom didn’t approve of that, and obviously the Måns's version from EYD was better.

• Also also, what do other NFs don’t do that Australia Decides just did this year??? A REJECTED ENTRIES COMPILATION SHOWCASE!!! Damn straight! When was the last time you’ve seen one of these? At least SOME recognition given for those songs that were close enough but the NF compilers found much better songs than those ones so those other ones just didn’t get their chance... amazing considering I believe I’ve never seen a thing like that before. There indeed were some rejected NF songs that are marginably better than some from the actual list. And thanks to Australia Decides showing them, they’ll never be any other NFs rejects ever again, unlike the Melodifestivalen/DMGP/etc. ones. Yeehaw. Maybe this serves as a ladder of hope for those rejectees to get up and try again so we’ll see them in another edition?

• Let’s not forget Kate herself. She did come down at us as the Australian version of Statue of Liberty (as the title of this write-up suggests, youhouuuuu) that looks more like someone’s unused Miss Universe national costume, but still very goddamn dazzling. And the rando flying above her presence that couldn’t be “holding [her] down”. What would have been any other way to present a mental issues awareness song than that. Majestic. I’d printscreen her dress for this one in full motion but I’d rather put down this picture with a more interesting shirt choice walking nearby the Australian Eurovision songstress while she was getting down to be ready for her winner’s reprise. I’m sure you’ll be able to see the dress in this too!

(if only I could use some extra fries in life!! =( )

All in all, I applaud the Down Under-ners for a succesful kickstart in the NF business, and I really hope SBS invests in this more than just calling up DNA Productions again to find themselves a starlet from an old Australian Idol/X Factor season that’s of different descent as always and slap a pop tune onto their discography with which they gotta go with to ESC. Would be incredigood. Thanks.

I’ll wrap this cumbersome beauty up by wishing the whimsical beauty Kate all the best in Tel Aviv! Hope your infected foot did not ruin the fun for you, dear sis.

[kdtheghostwriter]

SNK #107 Recap

Not a prediction. A spoiler.

I’m going to get the criticism portion of this post out of the way first. This is mostly gonna be writer’s mumbo-jumbo until we get to the cut, so if you want to know my thoughts on THAT panel, click the link now. Everyone else...shall we?

It’s easy to tell when and how much editors are involved in a certain update. Turns out, they like exposition even less than some of you all do. Makes sense; exposition is quite hard, but in so many ways I felt like this chapter was what 91 should have been.

It’s a reset. A needed one. I’m telling you now as a scribe myself - after running for our lives for a full volume, we need a moment to stop, save the game, check our inventory, etc. I’m glad Isayama at least gave us one more chapter before launching into the next (and likely final) story arc.

Reiner should have opened the chapter. I say that purely based on how these last few chapters have been structured. Every shot is framed like a movie still. The movie buff in me is incredibly pleased by this, but the movie reviewer in me isn’t far behind, either.

A big problem with Suicide Squad - besides, well, everything - is that there isn’t any natural flow. The editing is terrible. I won’t call 107 terrible in that regard, but it is very sloppy. Reiner should start this chapter, because if we’re only going to Marley long enough to see Reiner check the plumbing, we should get it out of the way, and then cut to the kids, because he asked for them.

-Reiner wakes up, Porco offers booze, Reiner asks for Gabi and Falco -Gabi murks the guard, escapes with Falco from prison -Cut to Big Boss Eren, who is also in prison

It’s just basic sequencing. I get that 106 ended with Eren, so you’d like to see 107 start with him, but cold opens are a thing, and they don’t take that long. I actually start most of my own stories this way.

Paradis Island has three options presented to them that give them the best chance of being not-dead. Given that one of those options includes the End of the World, I can’t say they chose the worst option necessarily but, damn did they come close. It’s a really bad idea.

I’ll stop here and keep all the serious talk under the cut. It gets personal and some of you might not agree with what’s said, but I feel I need to say it, so I’ll give you the option of stopping here. I like this chapter overall, even if I didn’t like everything that happened.

Stray Thoughts

-Eren is still totally not cool for going AWOL and killing everyone in Liberio but...just what did Paradis plan to do as Zeke’s term wound down? How were they going to get to him?

-Keep your eye on Gabi. She’s going to have a heap of development shortly and it will be very satisfying.

-Armin is sulking in a dungeon; Eren is fuming in a cell; Mikasa is crying on a grave.

-Kiyomi greeting Mikasa with comments on how “healthy” she looked gave me major Get Out vibes. I don’t think she’s evil, but I doubt she’s genuine.

-Sadly, not even Zeke and Levi’s hike into the Forest of Big Ass Trees was enough to distract me from how very screwed everything is; but, it was still very cute.

Part of what makes fiction difficult is the reaction. We project so many things onto whatever it is we’ve consumed; that’s what we’re supposed to do, after all. But the author is, usually, an autonomous human being that creates of their own volition which always leads to feelings of some sort. Hurt feelings, happy feelings, outraged feelings.

I say that to say this: it’s okay to stop.

I say this earnestly as a friend and with zero snark. The best you can hope for from this story now is a bittersweet ending. It will not be happy. Not in the classic storytelling sense. I don’t like seeing people in any fandom struggle through a piece of work that clearly makes them uncomfortable. I like, even less, people hate-read something or feel like, they’re near the end so they might as well. Not so!

Historia’s fate is very distressing. Her complacency with this awful idea just because the Survey Corps couldn’t be assed to come up with one goddamn plan is upsetting to put it lightly. No one is happy and the story presents it that way. Which is good because-

I think I should get this one off my chest. I feel like it’s warranted, as well, since SnK joins the X-Men as the other most famous racism allegory. The discourse I’ve seen floating in the tag, while not incorrect, is overlooking a key undertone in this series (which wouldn’t be a first for this site ayy).

In Ferguson, MO and Baltimore, MD: two young, unarmed African-Americans were betrayed by the people sworn to protect them. In one case, a man died in police custody after egregious abuse. In the other, a teenager was murdered by an officer in broad daylight. Both cities burned for days on end.

And then I see people talk about how we should change the way we dress and talk and how we should be civil and I laugh and laugh. Because literally the only thing we want to know is: How many more of our people have to DIE before we can be seen as human?

The answer in Real Life and Fake Life is: I DON’T KNOW.

Fuck.

Any followers of mine have no doubt seen my comparisons of this story to Metal Gear Solid. (I don’t just write about SnK, it’s just what everyone reads.) It feels weird because a) Hideo Kojima is a much better writer than Hajime Isayama and b) the stories themselves are very different. However...

How could I not?

You see, Jack was the world’s finest soldier, but his mentor defected to Russia and nearly plunged the world into nuclear war, leaving Jack as the only one who could stop her.

Only NOT. Joy was undercover and was compromised, but sacrificed herself and died in infamy to protect Uncle Sam from taking the heat for a horrific war crime (because our record is squeaky clean as we all know).

This breaks Jack and he spends the next four decades trying to fulfill The Boss’ Will, not realizing that his unending anger and unchecked PTSD has warped this ideal to suit his need for blood and violence.

Kojima-san has a relatively hopeful view of the human condition despite the suffering that occurs throughout his series. Metal Gear Solid ends with two lives converging on one another as they reach their apex. Jack finally gets revenge on his oldest enemy and dies alone on the grave of his mentor. His son, David, walks away from the battle and lives a quiet life with his otaku husband and their adopted daughter.

Kojima’s message is clear: you aren’t where you’re from. The theme comes up often. As Logan bleeds out in his daughter Laura’s arms, he tells her not to be the weapon they made her. Going by the recent updates, it seems that SnK is just a tad more cynical. And that’s fine.

I saw Ant-Man and the Wasp recently. Compared to the sheer density of Avengers 3, this was a light and airy jaunt. It had a happy ending. A very happy ending. And I did not like it. The movie was fine, but the resolution to the conflict (no spoilers) was so rushed and involved a deus ex moment that would make Steven Moffat blush. I don’t need a happy ending (I’ll still take one), I need a satisfying one. Now, what does that mean?

The best chance Shingeki no Kyojin has at a happy(ish) ending is for Reiner Braun (Solid Snake) to infiltrate Paradis (Outer Heaven), track down Eren Jaeger (Big Boss) and beat the shit out of him until he wakes from his living nightmare and says, “This is a terrible idea! Why didn’t anyone tell me?” wherein everyone responds, “We DID!!!”

I feel like only half of that is going to happen. Eren’s mind is fractured and the world continues with it’s awful machinations. And whenever I feel I should even half-heartedly dispute the idea that everyone sucks forever, I remember that the “Land of the Free” is currently holding toddlers in cages and...welp. I got nothing.

Then, I think about my younger siblings and my goddaughter and how I love them all so much - more than I love myself. I just want them to find a happy life somehow, someway in this crazy world and I know I can’t give up, because they’re watching.

That’s why I still write my stories the way I do. I may be emotionally busted, but I still believe in the message, and just need someone to take the baton. The message, in almost every story I write, is that you need your fucking friends, because finding another human being (or multiple!) that can stand your presence for more than thirty seconds at a time is a gift that must be treasured.

Chances are slim of this happening in the world of SnK, and that may not be the worst thing. A satisfying end for me is one that makes sense.The gymnastics required to get to an ending where one of the main characters doesn’t die a horrible, cursed death would be worse than the gymnastics that got us here to begin with. No two writers work the same.

The official mood for the latter part of this series is EMA facing the ocean in Ch 90. Eren asks if they’ll have to kill everyone on the other side of the water and his two mates each have an expression that says, “Shit, man, we thought maybe we’d build sand castles instead.”

[skeletonscribbles]

Wishes - Chapter 9

ayy here it is in full! I know it’s 10:36pm EST but we’re gonna do this anyway I don’t care

Title: “I Will Go Sailing No More” (Mike) Rating: T for general sadness Word Count: 3500 or so Warnings: Bill hasn’t had sensitivity training SO some pretty iffy discussion around mental health, religion, et al

Read on Ao3

Tag List:  @roobarrtrashmouth @jem-carstairs-is-perfection @tozier-club@aizeninlefox@stanheartsbill@latinxrichie@softeds@pretzelstoday@melancholypurple@wheezygreens@ayyyymichele @loser-marsh

MIKE HANLON TRANSFERRING TO SOMEWHERE IN ATTRACTIONS Currently: AT THE HOOP-DE-DOO REVIEW WITH HIS BOYFRIENDS FEBRUARY 14th 6:00 p.m.

“Round em up pardners,” the frontier themed (cowboy) cast member called out from the front podium of Pioneer Hall at the Fort Wilderness Resort. “Showtime in 30 minutes! Those in the front, come on down and let’s get you seated. Don’t want the fun to start without anybody!”

Mike sighed and shuffled forwards. Behind him, he heard Bill and Stan do the same.

‘Oh, and Happy Valentine’s Day!” the CM called out as an afterthought, and Mike’s stomach dropped down all the way to his feet.

This was gonna be an experience, and not in the fun, life-changing way.

“How romantic,” Stan said acridly. Mike winced as he heard him kick a rock. He wished to God he’d cancelled this reservation - and he almost had, about a week ago, after Bill had made a particularly unfortunate comment that he hadn’t realized was anti-Semetic until Stan was halfway out the door. Mike had opened the My Disney Experience app as Bill stomped around in the kitchen of Mike and Ben’s apartment, and had hovered his thumb over the ‘cancel reservation’ button, but had ultimately decided to keep it until everything had cooled off. After all, after that kind of blowout, it was usually safe to assume that things could only get better.

This relationship was really doing a number on Mike’s optimism.

“It’ll be fun,” Bill tried half-heartedly, speeding up so that he was walking next to Mike. “You haven’t been, right, Mike? It’s fun.”

Someone gave a whooping yell from inside Pioneer Hall, and someone else yodeled in response. Mike was pretty sure that based on those two things alone, he could deduce that the things that Bill found fun were a pretty far cry from what he himself was interested in. If Stan’s loud sigh and exaggerated shuffling was anything to go on, he was feeling the same way.

(Dating a white boy was a little different, it turned out, if said white boy was Jewish. There was a little more camaraderie, a little more of a shared understanding in that.

Christian white boys from the Illinois suburbs? Well...that was a different story.)

At last, they reached the podium. Mike took a deep breath, and proceeded.

“Hanlon, party of 3,” he told the cowboy guy.

“Three…” the CM ran his finger down the list of names on his iPad until he found the one he was looking for. “Righty-o. Three cowpokes? Lonely Valentine's Day for you?”

Yes, Mike thought, as his mouth said, “No.”

The CM blinked, shrugged, and gestured for them to follow another Little House on the Prairie-type female employee into Pioneer Hall. “All right, then. Have a nice night!”

“Do you think he thinks it’s weird?” Bill asked, looking back at Cowboy CM with concern.

“He’s definitely seen weirder.” Stan had moved up to walk next to Mike and Bill. His mouth was pulled into a tight line, and Mike couldn’t help but feel guilty that Stan had been dragged out when he very clearly didn’t want to be there. “Don’t worry about it. I’m wondering, though - do we have to participate in this show? Are people going to touch me?”

“No one’s going to touch you,” Mike promised, sliding a hand over the small of Stan’s back and rubbing his thumb in reassuring circles.

“Probably not,” Bill amended, and Mike shot him an exasperated glare.

“Dude.”

“Just saying,” Bill muttered.

They were seated about three rows back from the stage, and their drink orders were taken immediately. Mike had been planning on staying sober so that they wouldn’t have to pay for an Uber on their way back, but all of that was out the window in the face of the tension in the air. All three of them ordered sangria, and when the waiter informed them that it was bottomless, Stan audibly muttered “Good” under his breath.

When the waiter walked away, the only noise for five solid minutes was the hum of the tourists at the surrounding tables.

You should have known this would happen, a voice in the back of Mike’s head whispered. Jumping into things without getting to know them at all…?

“We should talk,” Mike finally blurted, if only to silence that horrible, horrible voice. “Right?”

“We did talk,” Bill pointed out, eyes burning little laser holes into Mike’s forehead. The waiter came back with their sangrias (Stan’s white and Bill and Mike’s red), and silently, they each brought their glasses to their mouths and drank more than what was probably acceptable for a first swallow.

“Mike’s right,” Stan acquiesced, pulling back from his drink and wincing at its acrid aftertaste. “It’s not enough to have had one after-Christmas tell-all, especially given that nothing’s changed.”

The Christmas conversation had been a veritable shitshow. Mike had been talking with his father a lot in and around the holidays, which had gotten him thinking about his relationship (where it was going, how he was handling it, etc.), so he was admittedly a little distant in working some of that out through late November and early December, but Bill had made it sound like he was completely checked out. Stan had tried his best to mediate, but Bill wasn’t very interested in mediating, and as such, they’d come out worse from that than they’d been before.

Fate and the cosmos apparently had an expiration date. Real life had 100% kicked in, and Mike absolutely did not care for it.

Still, he was a good person, and he did still care for Bill and Stan (especially Stan, wholeheartedly Stan), so he figured he needed to keep trying for at least a little bit longer.

“So,” he began, twisting his napkin in his lap nervously, “I think…”

“HOOP DE DOO!” The band revved up, and the ensemble ran in from the back. Mike rolled his eyes and took another long drink of his sangria. Of COURSE the timing was going to work out like that.

Bill, for his part, had relief written all over his face. He clapped along with the tourists, smiling and sipping his drink, and Mike felt anger - God, how long had it been since he’d felt anger - simmering at the base of his chest. Why didn't Bill want to hear what he and Stan had to say? There was an entitlement in it that made Mike’s blood run hot.

Stan had obviously seen the flash of negativity that had swept over Mike’s face. He immediately slid a hand out and over, ignoring Bill’s glee entirely in favor of bringing Mike to a more agreeable emotional place.

“Just think,” he said, looking Mike in the eyes, “this could be you at the Country Bears when you transfer to MK attractions.”

That got Bill’s attention. He snapped his gaze from the stage to his boyfriends. “Transfer?”

“Oh.” Mike shifted uncomfortably. “Yeah, I put in to transfer to attractions. I wanted DAK but apparently they can move me faster if I agree to go to MK, so I’m pretty sure that I’m gonna agree to to to MK. I thought I told you?”

(He knew he hadn’t told Bill about that. He had a gut feeling that Bill wouldn’t respond well.)

True to form, Bill was frowning, looking every inch the exasperated tour guide as he considered Mike’s words.

“You sure that’s a good idea?” he asked finally, shooting a glare over to one of the entertainers when it looked like they were going to come interact with their table.

“I don’t follow,” Mike said, mirroring Bill’s frown.

“It’s just--” Bill was struggling to find the words for what he wanted to say, which made Mike extremely suspicious. “Dating someone you work with? Is that wise?”

A waiter slid a slab of cornbread on to their table. It fell with a loud clatter, and Mike winced. He finished his glass of sangria, and wordlessly, the waiter took the glass away.

“Technically, we all work together,” Stan pointed out, clutching his drink and pointedly ignoring the cornbread.

“Yeah, but like,’ Bill gestured vaguely with his hands. “Same park is different than park-park-hotel, you know?”

“Richie and Eddie make it work,” Mike said, angrier than he intended to.

Stan winced. “Sort of. What a mess.”

“I thought they were making it work, anyway,” Mike amended. They okay?”

“Oh--” Stan rolled his eyes and waved his hands. “They’re actually fine, but there’s always something. I don’t know what Eddie’s freaking out about right now, but Richie’s current big thing is that he wants to have sex, but doesn’t know how to ask. It’s like his hiatus from sex turned him back into a virgin again or something. He wasn’t like this in undergrad.”

“Maybe he just really cares,” Mike suggested, feeling heavy at the thought of his friend still being nervous about communicating with Eddie after all this time. It had been months, now, and the two of them were still kind of behaving like middle-schoolers.

“Maybe he should be on medication,” Bill countered. “How long has he been this jittery-anxious? And Stan, didn’t you say he was depressed? Has he been auditioning or anything?”

“I said I was worried,” Stan shot back. “Where the hell are you getting the rest of that? You barely even know him.”

“I’ve known him for three years,” Bill said incredulously, staring at Stan like Stan had just admitted to murder. “Just because you’ve known him the longest--”

“You two didn’t spend time together until this past November,” Stan said, acid in his voice. “You have no right to insinuate that stuff about him.”

Bill rolled his eyes and downed the rest of his sangria. “You guys are offended by everything. You remind me of this creative writing professor I had in college--”

The waitress came back with drink refills before Bill could finish his story, and Mike could have kissed him for it. He really hadn’t wanted to hear about the rest of Bill’s college experience.

“Not offended,” Mike said, summoning what little patience he had left. “Just concerned, is all, and wishing you would maybe think before you speak sometimes. Your experiences aren’t all universal.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Bill said shortly, turning his body so that he was facing the stage. Mike met Stan’s eyes and could tell that they were on the same exasperated page. Of course Bill wasn’t interested in hearing out their concerns. Of course.

“I think you don’t want Mike to transfer to MK because it makes you feel special to be the only one that knows how things work there,” Stan called, loud enough to get Bill’s attention (as well as the attention of the two families of guests on either side of them). “I know it’s not because you don’t want to share space for the sake of the relationship. You would never run into each other in the Magic Kingdom. Trillions of people work there. No.” Stan paused, and Bill’s face twitched like he was thinking about turning away again. To his credit, he didn’t. “We’ve seen how much you love giving tours and being in charge. MK is your turf. Why don’t you just say so instead of making things up?”

There was a tense silence in which Mike and Stan stared at Bill, and Bill stared at the floor. In the background, one of the performers was doing a solo number, but Mike was beyond caring about what was happening on stage, except that they were totally wasting money by not watching. Bill’s eyes kept edging up, like he was thinking the same thing about how much dinner and a show had cost, but he resisted for a good two minutes. Finally, he seemed to make a decision, and rolled his shoulders back, looking first at Stan and then slowly over to Mike.

“Okay, fine,” Bill said quietly. “I like having MK to myself. It’s selfish. That’s why I didn’t say it.”

The soloist on stage finished, and a parade of waiters waltzed through the audience area, dropping off chicken, biscuits, corn, and beans as they passed by. Mike noted without interest that they hadn’t even eaten their cornbread yet. He really should have cancelled this reservation.

“I’m still gonna work at MK,” Mike told Bill, “whether you want me to or not.”

(Truthfully, Mike had been on the fence about moving to MK immediately versus waiting a little bit for a DAK position to open up, but Bill had pissed him off badly enough that his mind was now made up. Mike figured it was a good thing that he didn’t get mad that often, because he was learning quickly that the probability of his making snap decisions increased by at least 3000% when he was upset.)

Bill stared back at him, eyes empty. “Well, I can’t stop you, can I?”

That was the wrong thing to say. Stan’s expression was twisting sour again, and before Mike could reach out to keep him from speaking, he was addressing Bill pointedly. “Why not ‘I’m happy for you’, Bill? Why not just ‘okay’? Mike’s wanted to transfer for a really long time! You could at least pretend to be happy!”

“But I’m not happy,” Bill said, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, “and I don’t want to lie.”

Mike thought about his parents and the lie he could have lived, and felt his stomach burn as his next words came out of his mouth. “Sometimes it’s better to be kind than it is to be honest.”

“Everything okay over here?” Their waiter came back through, and Mike watched, detached, as Bill downed his sangria again so that he could get yet another refill. “Food all right?”

“It’s great,” Stan lied, jerking forward and beginning to spoon beans on to his plate. “I think some drink refills are in order, though.” He put down the spoon and drank heavily from his sangria for emphasis.

“If you’re sure,” the waiter said warily.

“We’re sure,” Stan said, firm and direct. After the waiter was gone, he turned back to Bill. “See? A little lie. Didn’t hurt him, no one was put on the spot, we’re getting more sangria. Easy.”

Bill huffed and adjusted his shoulders again. “It’s not that easy for me. I’m surprised - we’ve been together for what, four months? Five? And I thought--”

“You didn’t think wrong, Bill,” Mike assured him. “We know you don’t like to lie or break promises. We know that you’re an action guy and like to jump into things. We know you like to be in control...and we like those things. We do. It’s just...it’s tough, you know? Because sometimes all of your - I don’t know, Red Ranger personality things make it kind of hard to talk to you.”

For the first time all night, the corners of Bill’s mouth twitched up. “Red Ranger?”

“Sure.” Mike smiled back, trying to keep with the positivity. “I’m Blue Ranger, Stan’s Green Ranger.”

“Eddie’s the Pink Ranger,” Stan mumbled to himself, giggling into his sangria.

“The point is,” Mike continued, “we kind of feel like you’re not hearing us when we talk to you. That’s all.”

The show was resuming, and Bill’s eyes flickered up to the stage again. Mike felt his own smile slip away. Hadn’t they just talked about Bill not listening? He could practically feel Bill’s attention drifting off.

“Bill,” Mike said again, trying very hard to be gentle. “What do you think?”

Bill’s eyes flickered hesitantly back towards Mike. “I...don’t know.”

And there it was.

“You don’t know?” Stan asked, punctuating the question with a piercing stare. Mike didn’t blame Bill for flinching away from that particular Stan look.

“I’ve had a lot to drink,” Bill admitted. “I feel okay right now, but I have a feeling when I go to use the bathroom…”

“That’s when you know,” Mike agreed.

“Okay.” Stan nodded, brow furrowed in thought. “Okay, we’ll sleep on it, but Bill - I know you’re set in your ways, but if you really don’t think you can compromise…”

“Don’t,” Bill said softly. Mike averted his eyes out of habit. He never knew what to do when people got emotional in front of him. He loved his parents very much, but he hadn’t had very much practice in feelings response with his ex-military father and strong, solemn mother. “I don’t want to think about that yet.”

Mike looked hard at Stan, who was examining Bill’s face. From the intensity in his eyes, Mike knew that Stan’s mind was made up, and not the way that Bill was leaning. It was going to be up to Mike to make the final decision.

He didn’t want that kind of responsibility, especially tonight. He’d had a lot to drink, too.

“You have to know it’s a possibility,” Stan urged. “We can’t just keep ignoring things, Bill. That’s how we ended up here.”

“You’re one to talk about ignoring things,” Bill shot back, obviously sensing what Stan was getting at. “I could say the same stuff about you as I did earlier about Richie. If we weren’t around, would you even take--”

“Don’t finish that sentence,” Stan said, voice like the edge of a knife. Mike leaned back in his chair, wanting to put physical space between himself and whatever was about to go down. He’d never heard Stan use that tone before. “Do you hear yourself when you talk? Do you hear yourself?”

“I’m just trying to be fair,” Bill said, splaying out his arms. “I don’t know why you guys are attacking me specifically, but it’s messed up, and I’m not--”

“It’s called constructive criticism,” Stan snarled, “ever heard of it? Has anyone ever criticized you before, Bill? Or did you just storm out on everyone that has, like whatever professor you mentioned earlier? That’s not how life works. You can’t just leave-- ”

“Actually, I think I can,” Bill said abruptly, pushing his chair back and standing up. He wobbled for a moment (the sangria was obviously taking effect) and then righted himself, glaring down at Mike and Stan. The kids in the family behind him yelled at him to get out of the way of their view, and he took several steps off to the side. “I’m gonna call Bev and see if she can pick me up. Goodbye.”

Mike watched him walk away, feeling like he should call out but not knowing how. Stan’s eyes were fixed on the stage for the first time all evening.

“This show is garbage,” he said after several long, heavy seconds. “Do you want to go buy a beef brisket sandwich at the Chuck Wagon Food Truck?

Mike looked despondently down at the chicken in front of him.

“Is that what you want, sweetheart?” he asked carefully.

Stan took a deep breath and held out his hand to Mike, palm up. Mike looked at it for a moment, a quiet smile threatening to cross his face.

“I want what you want,” Stan said, expression sad, but firm.

Mike took his hand, and felt a weight lift off of his chest.

“Let’s go eat a sandwich,” Mike said, turning around to see if their waiter was nearby. “Check, please!”

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 12th August 2018

Top 10

Yep, we still have the same top two here, in fact the top five has stayed mostly still overall. “In My Feelings” by Drake featuring City Girls has stayed on top due to the video and streaming power, and I don’t see it stumbling for quite a few weeks.

Right behind it is “Shotgun” by George Ezra, still at the runner-up spot.

“No Brainer” by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber, Quavo and Chance the Rapper is up a spot to number-three, swapping places with...

“Rise” by Jonas Blue featuring Jack & Jack, which is down a single position to number-four.

“Youngblood” by 5 Seconds of Summer is steady at number-five. Funnily enough, I recall saying these guys had their five seconds of fame back when I reviewed “Want You Back”, so don’t rely on me for predicting anything.

Also staying stable is “Jackie Chan” by Tiesto and Dzeko featuring Preme and Post Malone at number-six.

At number-seven, up a space from last week, is “Girls Like You” by Maroon 5 featuring Cardi B.

Meanwhile, at number-eight, we have an 11-space gain straight to number-eight for “Body” by Loud Luxury and brando. I didn’t think this would be as popular as it ended up being, to be completely honest, and I’m very surprised at how fast this has gotten into the top 10.

Then we have our highest debut from Travis Scott’s ASTROWORLD, which has landed an album bomb of sorts – three songs, as is the limit on the UK Singles Chart. That debut, unsurprisingly, is “SICKO MODE” featuring uncredited vocals from Swae Lee and Drake, at number-nine.

Also, we have Tyga and Offset creeping into the top 10 via a one-space jump to number-ten, with “Taste”, and that rounds off our top 10 quite nicely.

Climbers

Now for the climbers and, honestly, despite the album “bomb”, not much happened of interest on the charts other than those three songs, in fact, barely anything has really happened. The only notable gain out of three non-top 10 gains is the 11-spot leap for “Eastside” by benny blanco, Khalid and Halsey, which is now at #12. The other gains are only single-space increases so it’s pointless noting them.

Fallers

The fallers, however, are a bit of a different story. A lot of pop girls struggled this week, including Ariana Grande with “God is a woman” down three spots to #13 and her feature on Nicki Minaj’s “Bed”, which has dropped seven spaces to #38. Speaking of Nicki Minaj, “FEFE” with 6ix9ine and Murda Beatz whimpered down four spots to #21, and the other female rapper on the charts right now, Cardi B, hasn’t exactly been gaining either, as “I Like It” featuring Bad Bunny and J Balvin is down five spaces to #14. Anne-Marie’s “2002” is down six spots to #32, Jess Glynne’s “I’ll be There” got hit identically down to #36, while “This is Me” by Keala Settle and The Greatest Showman Ensemble is down seven spots to #40. Drake had it particularly rough as well, with “Nonstop” down two to #30 while “Don’t Matter to Me” with Michael Jackson is down six to #19. The biggest fall, however, is definitely “If You’re Over Me” by Years & Years, falling a whopping 21 positions straight to #28. How much of this is due to Travis Scott? I’m not exactly sure.

Dropouts

“Ay Caramba” by Stay Free Get Lizzy Presents Fredo and Young T & Bugsey, or whatever on earth that title credit was, is unsurprisingly out straight from the debut at #38, while “Paradise” by George Ezra is also out from #39 – it had a good run. “Leave a Light On” by Tom Walker is also out from #36, but that’s it, so let’s run through the Ed Sheeran Update!

The Ed Sheeran Update

“Perfect” is down three spaces to #60, while “Shape of You” stays at #77. Not much to see here.

Well, that was quick. No returning entries so let’s go right into our new arrivals.

NEW ARRIVALS

#37 – “Best Life” – Hardy Caprio featuring One Acen

Okay, so before Travis Scott, we have a song that been bubbling under the top 40 for quite a long time, and to be honest, I was dreading the day Hardy Caprio returns with another hit, because, God, is he boring? At least now he has a guest star to maybe improve or diversify things but has that really helped at all? No, because it’s still the same faux-dancehall faux-grime stuff to expect. I call it that but it’s really just desaturated trap with some shrill synths and keys that make a just listenable beat for the two rappers to spit over, however the song is mostly the singing chorus, assumingly by One Acen, who also sings during the post-chorus, and he doesn’t have a bad voice so I’m not complaining at all, but maybe I wanted something more interesting to combat Hardy on the first verse biting a Lil Baby flow from “Yes Indeed”, because, out of all the songs to copy, you had to copy the worst possible trap-rap song you could find on the Hot 100? Okay, Hardy... To be fair, this isn’t awful and they both ride the beat well, even if the rapping is actually quite brief. It’s just more of the same, more of the same. In fact, I think I’m going to coin a name for this. Damhall – it’s watered down dancehall with grime-ish lyrics and trap percussion, as well as autotuned vocals, rapping often with melodic, R&B-inspired flows. It’s not the best name in the world, but it’ll be better than saying “faux-dancehall faux-grime schlock” week after week. Not feeling this damhall genre to be perfectly honest. Now let’s take a ride down to ASTROWORLD.

#29 – “CAROUSEL” – Travis Scott featuring Frank Ocean and Big Tuck?

We start with the second track on the album, “CAROUSEL” featuring uncredited vocals from... Frank Ocean? Damn, Frank doesn’t seem like the guy to be doing pop features as often, so Travis and the beat must be something special that made Frank want to lend his immense vocal talent.

Not really. I do like the beat, however, it’s pretty cool how it’s just constant gang vocals going from the left to the right channel as a backdrop behind your typical trap-rap production, which makes it have a party-ish aesthetic that I really like and think fits Travis’ flow really well. Frank, on the other hand, on the hook, sounds asleep and bored, and he does throughout most of the song until his verse where he starts straining his voice very forcefully and frankly, it sounds pretty terrible over a club-ready beat. Come on, Frank, the bored flow at least works for stuff like this, you didn’t need to put any effort or emotion into this performance, yet, you do for some of it and it just doesn’t sound good at all. Stick to sounding like you’re on half a Xan during your guest features, it works much better. Oh, yeah, and this song is barely three minutes and ends very abruptly. It’s just kind of sloppy if anything, mostly because of, unfortunately, Frank Ocean. The song’s serviceable, I suppose, and I know why it charted – it’s catchy, it’s at the start of the album, yet I’d have much preferred “NO BYSTANDERS”, “SKELETONS”, “R.I.P. SCREW” or even “STOP TRYING TO BE GOD” to chart instead of this and the next few tracks, although this next one I’m not necessarily complaining about.

#15 – “STARGAZING” – Travis Scott

Ah, the opening track to ASTROWORLD, and one of the few songs that doesn’t have features as well as actually being somewhat astro-themed, as it’s very psychedelic and trippy yet does feel like a theme park ride in its structure. Let me elaborate.

It starts with some slow, eerie chords with some beautifully autotuned singing throughout, before you get a drop – the bass and the rollercoaster – which starts initially with some pretty disjointed drum patterns, as your mindset would be during a ride, as Travis says, “going crazy” and “rolling”, quite similarly to the effect of psychedelics. He has some pretty... interesting falsetto vocals here, as well as the classic ad-libs we know him for crowding the catchy hook, before the drums start to collapse briefly and we get a moment of peace, of build-up, with some sweet guitar and extra keys, which sound really pretty, especially with all the sound effects of people screaming and having fun on Astroworld building the atmosphere. It then comes to a sudden stop and you’ve gone down the biggest slope in the rollercoaster, so you’re calmer but the ride hasn’t stopped. The beat switches and now you’re going through maddening keyboard loops whilst a slick trap beat plays, allowing Travis to spit some surprisingly impressive bars here, with a simple flow but some funny lines like about how it’s not a moshpit without injuries and how Kylie’s jumping off him like Moby – you figure it out – while a faint “alright, alright” vocal sample plays, and then it just comes to an abrupt stop. Your ride has finished, but it’s only the first track so you’re ready for the unimpressive mediocrity of the other rides in the theme park that you only go on because you have younger siblings with you.

#9 – “SICKO MODE” – Travis Scott featuring Drake and Swae Lee

Speak of the devil.

Alright, so this track is three songs, and the only reason why this absolute mess of a song was the biggest hit is because of Drake, but you know that already. Let’s analyse each part of this five-minute trap-rap trilogy.

We start with a fantastic sample, and one of the best moments on the album as Drake just sings over one of the best beats I’ve heard this year, God, I love that sample so much, but then the percussion comes in and he starts rapping, for one bar. Yep, the last line (the title) echoes and we go into a completely different song with a serviceable beat, where Travis Scott starts rapping with a flow I feel we’ve heard from him a few times before, with some extra classic hip-hop samples acting as ad-libs to his rapping, as well as some pitch-shifted chopped-up Big Hawk samples acting as bridges while Swae Lee just repeats one line in the background, but then after two verses, that one transitions too, pretty abruptly, into a boring Tay Keith beat for Drake to go all “Nonstop” on. Drake does half a Xan on a plane and is out like a light (like a light, ayy, yeah, what), and it tells. Over a Memphis-influenced instrumental, Drake delivers a decent enough verse but really, neither him nor Travis have enough charisma and energy to carry this. I appreciate how the beat goes all DJ Screw on us by the end, leading into the next song on the album, “R.I.P. SCREW”, but really, isn’t this just a huge waste of money for Travis? Sure, he’s probably getting it back and more, but a huge feature in the form of Drake, two guest vocalists (Swae Lee and Sheck Wes) hired purely for ad-libs, at least three samples, two of which are short clips that really aren’t worth the royalties he and his label probably had to pay, can’t be cheap, especially considering the four to six producers probably involved in this that had to get their paycheck too, even though knowing the industry, they probably won’t be getting them at all.

This song, as it is, is just a five minute slog, especially considering only the first minute is worth listening to. If someone has a separate track of just that Drake intro, I’d appreciate a link.

Conclusion

Yeah, Best of the Week goes to Travis Scott for “STARGAZING”, who also bags Worst of the Week for “CAROUSEL” with Frank Ocean and one of the two Dishonourable Mentions for “SICKO MODE” with Drake and Swae Lee, with the other going to Hardy Caprio and One Acen for just being void of anything interesting in “Best Life”. See you next week.

L

[instanthologramtraveler]

Saba Stay Right Here

Saba Stay Right Here Lyrics

Saba Stay Right Here

Saba Mick Jenkins Stay Right Here

Stay Right Here Chords Saba

Saba's verse in the song 'Everybody's Something' increased his popularity. Saba continued rapping in 2013 and began to create his second mixtape, ComfortZone. The mixtape was released on July 2014. Saba used the album as a window into his life, produced the majority of the tracks on the project. Listen to “Stay Right Here” below via 2 Dope Boyz. And while you’re at it, revisit our essay inspired by Saba’s performance at Outside Lands. CARE FOR ME is out now. SABA lyrics - 69 song lyrics sorted by album, including 'Beautiful Smile', 'Something In The Water', 'The Billy Williams Story'. Tahj Malik Chandler (born July 17, 1994), better known by his stage name Saba (stylized as SABA), is an American rapper and record producer.He grew up in the Austin neighborhood of the West Side of Chicago. He is a co-founder of the musical collective Pivot Gang with his brother Joseph Chilliams, their late cousin John Walt, and their high school friend MFn Melo. SABA 'Stay Right Here': Mm, ayy, yeah, ayy I woke up this morning feeling just like I'm a star No I don't drink but I might. SABA - Stay Right Here Lyrics AZLyrics.com.

Stay Right Here Lyrics by Saba feat Xavier Omär & Mick Jenkins.

[Intro – Saba] Mm, ayy, yeah, ayy

[Verse 1 – Saba] I woke up this morning feeling just like I’m a star No I don’t drink but I might buy the bar Like shots on me because I ain’t get shot That’s on my soul, Diana Ross I am on my pivot like I am Ross I am a force to be reckoned Like a western film, might pull up on a horse This is the part where the party is over But you and your friends know you will not go home This for my niggas who went and got fired Just ’cause they desire to grow their hair long I just said peace to the past like “so long” I don’t smoke weed yet they passing the bong Chiefing the reefer just like Cheech and Chong This for the teachers who told me that songs won’t go a long way But I’m a long way from home because of it, ayy Look at this love that I’m covered in, ayy Built from the ground up, a architect I present just like a scientist I’m in this, I give just ’cause I am blood, yeah Opposite of what they government I protect people that show me their love, yeah

[Pre-Hook/Chorus – Xavier Omär] So just stay right here Love me from the mountain to the grave right here Ain’t no way it’s ever gonna change right here, yeah

[Hook/Chorus – Saba] Look at all the love around me Look at all the love around me Look at all the love around me

[Verse 2 – Saba] I said I pivot like my name was Ross Pivot, Diana Taurasi Pivot like Moss, he all squeak I’m with a army, audience applause Ain’t been the same since Walt’s autopsy I just wish that I could call him, tell him ’bout tour Tell him how shit not the same like before Tell him how labels knocking at the door Tell him about how my face in The Source or something Call upon the Lord to come my Autumn Though I’ll never get to see the day That my daughter come, ignore the dumb Shit that come with the territory, share the story, all of ’em Even with the little twist like Oliver all of the time I told the block y’all should open your eyes I come from nothing but drugs and the crime I sung out, oh yes I made it alive Shouts to the fans and they gave me some time, yeah Look at the love that I’m covered in Kept it a hundred, I coveted This is all real, ain’t no supplement Own all my masters and publishing Head to Korea, they fuck with it

[Pre-Hook/Chorus – Xavier Omär] So just stay right here Love me from the mountain to the grave right here Ain’t no way it’s ever gonna change right here, yeah

[Hook/Chorus – Saba] Look at all the love around me Look at all the love around me Look at all the love around me

[Verse 3 – Mick Jenkins] Look at all of the love around me, astounding How niggas still found the time to hate my county Been cooking niggas that look like me We all got bounties on our heads and business is bountiful My niggas accounted for Two accountants to run my checks and balances I never bank on balance though We stay good with the handy work But if I can’t see a callous that can’t be worth a dime They say that a dollar’ll make you rich But that fake shit can’t be worth the time I got a eight to my face when I have the time Smoking these days just to pass the time Smoking sometimes just to stare in your face Or just to stare in the mirror, I’m scared of standing in place Even the slowest of paces Keeping you on the move, it behooves you All this mindless behavior we’re used to I kick it like Bruce Lee, I be like the water I’m deep in this shit I’m a young Fela Kuti whipping a hooptie, we smoked out Boys at the corner store loc’d out We stop at the corner store anyway Look at all of the love around me

[Pre-Hook/Chorus – Xavier Omär] So just stay right here Love me from the mountain to the grave right here Ain’t no way it’s ever gonna change right here, yeah

[Hook/Chorus – Saba] Look at all the love around me Look at all the love around me Look at all the love around me

SONG INFO

Released: November 9, 2018Produced By: DaedaePIVOT, Daoud & Saba

Click Here To Submit Corrections or Missing Lines

Submitted corrections or missing lines will be added within 24hrs after approval.

To add notes or give explanations, highlight any line or word and click 'Annotate'.

VIEW ALL LYRICS TO SONGS BY: Mick Jenkins, Saba, Xavier Omär

Having already dropped one of the year’s best albums, Care For Me — a powerful, personal and gorgeously-produced project that centers around the death of his late cousin and collaborator, John Walt — Saba caps off his crowning year with the release of this new song, “Stay Right Here.” The quirky, upbeat track features a guest verse from fellow Chicago rapper Mick Jenkins, who recently released his own Album of the Year contender Pieces of a Man, and a smooth hook from Xavier Omär.

With its buoyant refrain of “look at all the love around me,” “Stay Right Here” feels like the spiritual extension of Saba’s Care For Me closer, “Heaven All Around Me.” It’s just as beautiful.

Listen after the jump…

Saba Stay Right Here Lyrics

For all the Saba fans out in Europe, catch him on tour early next year.

IM BRINGING THE CARE FOR ME TOUR TO EUROPE! TIX ON SALE FRIDAY AT 10AM. CAN’T WAIT TO SEE YOU pic.twitter.com/QpiNDfEYwQ

Saba Stay Right Here

— SABA (@sabaPIVOT) November 5, 2018

Saba Mick Jenkins Stay Right Here

Stay Right Here Chords Saba

Related:New Music: The O’My’s Feat. Saba & Peter Cottontale “Puddles”

The list of approved calculators is reviewed annually. The following calculator models are the only ones acceptable for use during the 2021 exams: Casio: All fx-115 and fx-991 models (Any Casio calculator. Students may use a calculator for the quantitative reasoning section of the GRE; however, they may not bring their own calculator. Administrators approve the use of calculators to minimize basic. If you complete a practice test from GRE For Dummies, 8th Edition (Wiley), you can easily estimate your Math and Verbal scores. For the Math score, count the math questions you answered correctly. Gre approved calculators. Though it’s been a while since then, you should be aware that the GRE was revised in 2011, which included revisions to its scoring system. For GRE exams taken prior to August 1, 2011, the Verbal.

[after-nine-at-the-oasis]

OOP dang o.o

Yeah go off Aaron 😤😤😌

It's not like a friendship (though they kinda had one) but getting betrayed by your therapist must be such a weird hurtful thing :((

Ahh nice :o :D well at least we got stuff out of her :)) and while she's alive lol

Okay that's good <3

Phew :'))

And yeah Bailey xDD

I hope we don't have to deal with Jason tonight 😭 like before the end of this episode xd

Yeahh she's out there in the middle of nowhere somewhere 😬

Hmm unless she talks her way out of it again xD

Angela last time you did that your enemy vowed revenge and set a hitman after your husband and child xdd xD

Maybe let's not lol

The others want in though, you really did have to call dibs xD

Aww hey guys :'o :')))

Lol xD

Hey you deserve it, you guys both do lol

Weird elevator noise there, kinda satisfying though

Aww yeah :'))

Lol yeah xD it's nice that he can be honest about it though :')))

AWW yeahh :')) y'all :'D 😭😭❤️

AWWW honeyy 🥺🥺❤️😭

Ik they're not about to get back together but is he about to apologize and like, vow to make up for it?? Idek-

Awww 🥺🥺🥺🥺😭😭💔❤️❤️

AWWW honeyyy 😭😭😭😭😭💔💔❤️ :'(( DD':

Bro you're the one that broke up with her like yes what she allows but you can make up some of the distance you created yourself 😭😭

I'm struggling to express what I mean bc I know he is just just xdd like you broke up with her, it's not like she didn't want you around you know lol? Even if she's reasonably upset about it now xdd and you were fighting

Guagh anyway xdd at least we got some closure for them this season lol xd 😭

OOP hey guys o.o

Oughh noo 😭😭😭 >:((

Just them getting out of general xDD

But also. . . wesley angst 😏😌👀

Eh it won't be after this xD

Lol yeah xD

As if you guys aren't going to the same place xD

Unless he just goes off to some random place and disappears lol

That would be wild xD rarely or never to be seen again LOL

I sincerely doubt it but you know XD

Awww hey guys :'))

Lol fair Bailey xD though he did t exactly have a choice in the matter slfkjdgs

LOL SLFKDHS OOF

Didn't know that was it xD

Eh close enough

Oof lol

I know the feeling of a laugh pain xD from like being hurt in the wrong area lol (though I have not been shot in the side xD)

Aww ayy :'))

LOL she also compiled xDD

Awww y'all :')))

I was thinking you'd say what age lol, but yeah that's important too :o

Oop?

Is it gonna be Jason as him o.o

OOPE no wait he's probably telling them of him getting out of jail O.O

And then he breaks in two seconds later lol xD not enough time of a warning

But eh maybe (HOPEFULLY PLEEASE) it is xdd

YEP O.O

And good thing we're mentioning Oscar too o.o 😬😬

Yeahhh uh oh is right xdd

From their faces lol

AUOAAGHHHHHHHHH 😭😭😭😭😬😬😳💔💔❤️

Y'all I'm stressed xD

But also. . . once again. . . the angst 😏😏👀👀😌

I love me some good angst, especially involving Oscar even if it doesn't directly involve Wesley because I can pretend it does xD but also it might 👀👀👀😌 :DD

Anyway WHERE'S MY BABY WOPEZ NAME

I know they said maybe or even probably not by the end of the season but my gosh 😭😭😭

Going with Xochtil or Samara y'all xdd not even a guess I'm just deciding lol /lh

Anyway I think we could get a Wesley/Wopez storyline out of this, especially since it'll be next season 👀👀 I mean it's been a while for them, right :D?

Although waiting for Elijah and Oscar at the same time could be cool, and we may want to wait a little longer for that lol. Maybe Elijah from prison, or Oscar laying low for a while? Aeh idk :))

Anyway! I've been chatting a lot lol, but official/full review coming out later (probably in a few days) :D

I love you all!!

See you next time for that :)) 🥰!

[scyre]

ayy its ya girl c! i’ve done up a little draft with the slight changes that were made now that we’re living in the moden au!! please read more for ... more.

DESMOND SAYRE

monty might not love social media and technological advances but they changed his life. his family still sucked, always grasping for power and rejecting change, but at least he didn’t feel as alone... not when he could text his friends and get immediate answers back from them. not having the time to dwell and sink in self pity really helped him.

ya boy also didn’t have to live his life thinking something was wrong with him bc he wasn’t sexually attracted to people like he was supposed to. he had access to google, he learned what asexuality and the spectrum was, and he knew more about himself and didn’t have to just ... not know.  i think this made him sleep around less, get to know people a bit more, and while he’s still not an open kind of guy he didn’t really date much. it did however mean he stayed with laurel way longer than he should have... put up with way more crazy than he would have in the past.  

he has instagram but never posts. seriously, he has one post from a year ago. he does like things though and is always commenting on posts. sometimes nice, sometimes not. he doesn’t have facebook, twitter, youtube, or snapchat. he thinks the snapchat filters are dumb and ruin perfectly good pictures. he also hates selfies and thinks they’re dumb.  why does he even have insta? it’s probably the only way to stay up to date on hogwarts gossip. 

i do think because everything online can be so negative, and escalate so quickly, monty never would have came out and admitted that he was bisexual/demisexual except to the people he’s told in canon. it’s still something he plans on taking to his grave and obliviating out of anyone who knew.  the gay shame is real. get a grip boy.  

i think he’s definitely got the aesthetic of like... the guy with gauges in his ears, maybe he has his eyebrow pierced, and he definitely still has the nipple piercing. i think he probably has more tattoos, exclusively wears leather jackets, combat boots, and ripped jeans, and wears a lot of plain colored shirts or black shirts. he still loves black. he will always love black. he wears a lot of it. 

he hasn’t appropriated a lot of muggle culture into his day to day. i feel like he only got a phone in the last year and is awful at remembering to check it.  it’s probably an older model too because he didn’t care what they gave him and it’s slate grey with no case because he lives on the edge. yolo.  he doesn’t have any muggle cars or anything like that but he definitely has a netflix account and television because why not.  his favorite show would probably be something like the good place.

ya boy still flunked out of hogwarts because that’s just how his life goes. he’s repeating his final year and you bet ya ass people tweeted about THAT for awhile. we love vague tweeting.  

PHOENIX VASQUEZ

phoenix’s childhood is still relatively the same; he was adopted by the vasquez family. however, adopting wasn’t as easy as it had been back in the day because lycanthropy wasn’t as frowned upon in this decade as it would have been before. while people didn’t love it, it wasn’t something that meant no other family was interested, or other people weren’t willing to bend red tape.  which means nix didn’t move around as much as a kid because his parents were able to keep working at their jobs in the states!! they only moved to the UK when he was fifteen as his grandmother was sick.  so basically he moved to and started going to hogwarts in year 5 instead of year 1.  

personality wise, nix is very similar. he’s still very awkward, very quiet, and is a genuinely nice person to everyone he meets. he’s more often about his lycanthropy as his parents never begged him to keep it a secret and it’s not uncommon for him to be making werewolf jokes at his own expense. he thinks it’s funny. 

technology!! nix loves snapchat. he’s not huge on technology bc he’s kind of a hipster -- he still uses ballpoint pens and notebooks, doesn’t own a computer and only has a dinky phone that texts and calls. no data. he can only use snapchat when he’s near a wifi hotspot so you’ll sometimes see him getting frustrated with his phone when it starts buffering and flopping. he DOES borrow a friend’s computer to upload podcasts though because he’s a podcaster!!!  he has a podcast called ‘howlcast’ and he does reviews of mainstream media depictions of werewolves and compares them to the reality. he also interviews lycanthropy specialists, advocates, and famous lycanthropes to talk about the werewolf experience. he kind of loves it?? he puts out an episode a week and does a Q&A on twitter straight after the episode goes up for any fans of the podcast. 

nix doesn’t have a luxury broom or any of those fancy toys that the rich kids usually sport. he likes his regular ‘ol magical broomstick and doesn’t think a suped up car is something that he needs in his life. he good. 

modern 2018 phoenix also died his hair a bluey teal color! he thought it was fun and tbh he is living his best life.  

LAUREL DIAN

laurel’s family aspire to be the kardashians.  they have a b level reality show, think something on tlc so they have their little cult following that laurel  l o v e s.   she loves the attention and loves the perks that come with it.  

her aesthetic is probably like.. forever 21 / hipster / hippe chick.  she wears a lot of crop tops, high waisted skirts, floral prints, lace, etc. everything .. and i mean everything ... is accentuated with red lipstick. that’s her aesthetic x 100.  she has an iphone with a bedazzled phone case and probably drives a really compact car.  her broom would be luxury too and she’s definitely on tinder select looking for cute boys (or girls) to bring home with her.  

as for social media.. she has her hand in a lot of different platforms. she prefers facebook over most of the other ones. she also loves pinterest and is always pinning home decor ideas, cooking ideas, etc.  she’s a feminist and sjw when it comes to twitter. it’s not uncommon to see her beefing with someone on twitter because they’re trolling or being rude/racist/sexist/etc.  she loves tearing people a new asshole when they decide to spread their hate online. fuck off trolly boys. 

she’s been in two high profile relationships in her life. the first was with monty sayre and that was a fucking nightmare.  a lot of their relationship was caught on screen and its cringey whenever people tweet her pictures of monty and his new fiancee, or share photos of the two of them from when they were together.  she might have dumped him but that doesn’t mean that she wants to be reminded of it all the time 

she still works with dragons and they are frequently featured on her instagram, snapchat, and on the show.  some of them even have their own little cult followings. its weird but kind of beautiful, 

PIPPA CARSTAIRS

pippa being born in the 2000′s is the best thing that ever happened to her. truly. britney? christina? pink? oh my god she’s living. she loves pop music, loves concerts, and has a passion for professional cheerleading bc it's a legitimate sport now y’all! it’s her dream to be a professional cheerleader. maybe in the magical world if quidditch has them now?? we just dont know. 

her aesthetic is blair waldorf chic. maybe a little more revealing.  she definitely still wears heels, ignores dress codes, and always has her hair straightened perfectly.  she is very very good with makeup -- think contouring and all that jazz.  she looks like a million bucks literlly every day. it’s incredible. 

pippa has a luxury car. i’m thinking it’s probably an suv?? she definitely would want something bigger and not your typical girly girl car.  i’m thinking a black cadillac escalade. she doesn’t have a broom bc she still hates flying and heights. fuck that shit.  as for technology, she’s got it all -- snapchat, twitter, instagram, youtube, etc.  she also definitely has a youtube channel dedicated to beauty tutorials and has thousands of dedicated viewers. she’s done everything from contouring, costume make-up, etc.  her channel is especially popular around halloween as she does a special called ‘the twelve days of pippaween’ where she does different costume makeup every day for 12 days. her most popular to date is ursula from the little mermaid!  she also definitely has the latest iphone, macbook, etc, and it’s probably all rose gold. she’s a rose gold girl. 

currently in the middle of an instagram war with her ex boyfriend. they’re both shady as fuck with their vague posting on finstas and it’s mESSY.  we love a good mess!!!!!   (this good be a good wanted connection if someone wanted to be her messy ex for the AU!!) 

ALARIC ROWLE

i feel like wizards having access to technology changed things significantly for rowle. he was able to track down his birth father’s parents much easier and probably moved back to the UK when he was much younger. he definitely learned more about the war and was drawn into anyone whose narrative reflected what he wanted to hear -- that his parents were martyrs and that the dark lord had been in the right the whole time. 

he definitely kept dueling. when his hand acted up, i think he would have been so desperate to fix it that he would have given into muggle medicines and treatments. he probably wears a splint on his wrist and his wandwork isn’t AS quick as it could be but he’s still one of the top duelists in the country. seriously, ya boy was good. him getting to continue being awesome might make him less of a douche. maybe.  he definitely competes bc glory and loves every minute of it. a rowle who is less grumpy and super cocky? we stan. 

he’s definitely a reddit troll. i feel like there’s a death eaters subreddit or something and he basically lives there and talks to other death eater sympathizers, former, or whatever, and slowly await the return of the ‘great days’.  think alt right but .. y’know magical.. ugly.

he still teaches dada bc initially he needed money to pay off some wicked crazy medical bills for all the specialists and acupuncture and weird shit he did to fix his hands.  even with the money he earns when he’s duelling, he’s in debt up to his ears.

i think he still has the scars that marr his face though bc as much as he will use splints or salves on his hands he is not gonna fucking undergo plastic surgery in the muggle world. he’d rather choke. 

ANSEM WARBECK

ansem warbeck deserves social media. he is living his best life. he is definitely the guy who is constantly using ‘find my iphone’ bc he lost it, has a cracked screen because he forgot to buy the shatterproof screen protector, and changes his netflix password weekly bc he can never remember what it was. he’s also the snapchat king. i’d say he has 100+ streaks with as many people as he can convince to keep it up and he sends angry snaps when you ruin his streaks. they’re like his babies. one time he was running a fever and still managed to make streaks. there’s no excuse. 

he still works as a curse breaker but i feel like he’s really like... stepped up gringott’s social media game. i feel like he took it upon himself to get them an instagram and is always uploading picture of whatever ‘cool’ treasure they can find. griphook keeps telling him they’re going to get robbed if he doesn’t stop bragging but ansem never listens. 

the warbeck family is probably one of the few that have not acclimated to the technological changes at all. they won’t have anything to do with electricity, social media, or anything of the sort and look down on people that do.  so ansem with his luxury brooms and his waffle iron are basically sacreligious to his family and his mom always cries whenever he talks about these things. it’s a whole Thing and just reinforces that arson is the best and ansem is the Worst. 

[gracegtrrz-blog]

CPAR Experience!!!

MY CPAR EXPERIENCE

CPA Review School of the Philippines (CPAR)

“Hala! Ano kaya ang feeling kapag nasa review school ka na no?” Nakakakaba na nakakaexcite. Nakakakaba dahil nalalapit na ang board exam at konting hirap nalang para sa CPA title na gustong gusto mo. Nakakaexcite at the same time dahil sa mameet mo na in person ang mga author ng libro na gamit mo, makahanap ka ng new friends at syempre may hidden agenda ka parin kahit di mo aminin! Hahanap kang forever slash inspirasyon pang sideline lang. Yung  tipong iniisip mo palang na makakasabayan mo yung mga magagaling na students galing sa mga big schools mejo kinakabahan Karin diba. But believe me, wala sa school yan kaya wag kang matakot. Kung masipag at matiyaga ka, hindi ka mapag iiwanan, promise!

Bago ako mag review sa CPAR, nag search ako ng mga blogs sa net about CPAR. Sabi nila mabilis daw ang turo sa CPAR, madami daw ang handouts. Hindi naman pala. Hindi mabilis ang turo unless first view mo palang talaga yung topic na ididiscuss. Para ka lang talagang nagrerefresh sa mga naaral mo noon. Handouts? Hindi over na madami. Madami talaga kapag hindi mo binasa at sinagutan on time kasi matatambakan ka na.

Hindi naman ako nagsisi na sa CPAR ako nag review dahil super enjoy sa CPAR hehe ang dami rin kasing magandang view sa batch 82 hehehe. Pero swear, enjoy talaga. Mababait ang mga reviewers lalo na si Atty. Valix.

Facilities? Keri naman, sobrang lamig sa room. Yung tipong gugustuhin mong yumakap sa crush mo sa sobrang lamig lalo na kapag wala kang jacket as in! Yung restroom na blockbuster sa haba ng pila, yung tipong gusto mo ng makipila sa boys dahil grabe talaga haha ang haba ng pila sa girls as always.

CPAR Reviewers

My real sched is weekdays, morning but then I shifted to weekends. Nahirapan ako sa weekdays na morning sesh haha Idk, hindi ako makagawa ng magandang study sched kaya nagrisk akong itry ang weekends. Narealize kong pang weekends pala ang utak at katawan ko haha, mas bet ko ang mag aral ng diretso ng 5 days (mon-fri) maghapon. Mas namaximize ko yung time para mag aral, tapusin lahat ng dapat tapusin tapos makikinig lang ako maghapon sa weekend class ko. Absorb absorb lang ganern.

LAW

My reviewer in Law? Syempre the one and only, Atty. Dante dela Cruz. Yan ang tunay na LODI! Mahina ako sa law pero sobrang pasasalamat ko talaga kay Atty. Dante. Sobrang kwela ng law class nya. Minsan nga tawa lang ako ng tawa. Masaya ka na, natuto ka pa. yung tipong malingon ka lang ng konti puno na ung board sa bilis nya mag discuss. Sobrang idol ko rin talaga si Atty. D lalo na ng ishare niya ang lifestory nya, naiyak pa nga ako non sobrang nakakahanga talaga ang kasipagan at determinasyon ni Atty. Dante! Kung mahina ka sa law, making ka lang ng mabuti kay Atty,D at the same time, basa basa rin pag may time. Makukuha naman yan sa tiyaga, wag ka lang aantukin haha.

FAR

Sir Thomas Siy is my reviewer. Idk pero never akong nabored or inantok sa mga discussion nya. Maybe because of his voice? Haha ang gwapo ng boses nya, para kang nakikinig sa radio, pang-DJ ba. Type ko yung way ng discussion nya. Simple pero may dating, basta making ka lang, para mo lang narereview yung mga alam mo na, at the same time, yung mga di mo alam mapapa “ayy ganon nga pala yon” ka nalang. Nag try akong makiklase kay Baby Valix, but I really prefer Sir Thom’s style of teaching. Anyways! Depende rin naman sa tao kung saan sya komportable makinig. Na aamaze lang talaga ako at kabisado nila ang handout, problems at solutions, lodi! Seriously, mahina ako sa FAR nung undergrad, after ng mga sesh with Sir Thomas Siy, nagtataka nalang ako kung bakit hindi ko yon alam dati haha. Nakaka-amaze lang, parang magic. Napansin ko lang na marami ang umaalis kapag FAR na. pero suggestion ko lang talaga is huwag kang aalis. Kahit na alam mo na, makinig parin. First of all, sayang ang bayad mo haha. Second, ayaw mo nun? Mas mareretain yon sa utak mo J

AFAR

Dalawa ang reviewer ko sa AFAR hehe mabisyo ako e. sabi kasi nila ang hirap “daw” sa AFAR sa actual pero believe me, sobrang layo sa preboard ng CPAR! Basic questions lang basta ewan ko rin ba kung sinwerte lang kami or what hehehe. Sir Brian Lim ang reviewer ko sa weekend sesh then Sir Chris German for my weekdays sesh. Sa AFAR lang talaga ako pumapasok pag weekdays. Sir Lim’s style is more on techniques. Mga shortcut ba, topnotcher kasi e kaya ang taba rin ng utak nya umisip ng mga techniques which is very helpful naman nung nagtake ako ng board exam lalo na sa Advacc part 1. Pero syempre Kailangan mo ang concepts, kaya I prefer sir German pagdating sa concepts. Tho ang tagal nya magdiscuss sa isang problem, pero naituro naman na nya ang lahat ng dapat nyang ituro. Yung forex na inaayawan ko, ganon lang pala kapag nakinig kang mabuti kay Sir German haha. Galing din ng oppa nyo sa concepts tapos minsan may mga hugot pa siya. Siya yung tipong kung naliligawan lang ang problem baka ginawa na nga nya hehe joke lang sir. For me, sapat na ang combination ng concepts ni Sir German and techniques ni Sir Lim.

MAS

Sir Jamil Saripada is my reviewer in Management Advisory Services. Sa lahat ng naging reviewers ko sya ang second favorite ko (malalaman nyo ang first favorite ko later hehehe). Siyempre magaling din si Sir Rodel Roque pero nag stick na ako sa class ni Sir Jamil hehe. At first mejo nag doubt pa ako kasi nga hindi ako familiar sa kanya pero tinry ko syempre para malaman ko and hindi naman mali ang naging desisyon ko haha. Galing! Siya yung tipong hindi napapagod kakasalita. Titigil lang ata sya kapag break hehe pero nakakaamaze ang galing nya magdiscuss plus ang ganda ng sulat niya parang niruler lang. bet na bet din yung mga techniques niya sa pagsolve at pagtanda sa mga theory part ng topic. Kwela pa ang mga definitions niya hahaha.

AUDITING

Of  course,the one and only Sir Jerry Roque. Ewan ko ba parang tawa lang yata ako ng tawa pag klase na nya. Ayoko talaga ng audtheo weh kaya pinipilit ko nalang makinig at iabsorb ang mga tinuturo ni Sir Roque, sobrang antok talaga ako sa audtheo na ewan ko ba hahaha pero magaling si Sir Roque magturo, sabay ka lang sa discussion nya ng mga problems sa Audprob. Sagot ka muna sa handout sa bahay/dorm then sumabay ka sa discussion nya. Try and try lang bes kahit mali minsan haha.

TAX

Presenting, the one and only, my favorite reviewer in CPAR, Atty. Tristan Lopez. Sobrang kwela every meeting. Hindi matatapos ang klase mo sa kanya ng hindi ka tatawa. Super as in! kaya pag tax na, sobrang excited akong magklase. Masaya ka na, natuto ka pa. Super funny ni Atty. Lopez grabe haha halata naman diba? Atty. De vera is my first choice but then, si Atty. Lopez ang nasa weekend class ko so nagtry ako makinig at thank you talaga kay Lord at hindi naman niya ako binigo haha. Naging favorite subj ko ang tax dahil kay Atty. Lopez. Ang laki ng impluwensya sa akin ng taong ito. Maging sa firm sa gusto ko ang laking factor nya. Too sad hindi ako doon dinala ni Lord hehe,pero okay lang din, baka mas may better plan ang Lord weh. Simula umpisa ng discussion hanggang sa Matapos, tatawa ka lang haha joke. Concepts and computations ang style ni Atty. Lopez plus may jokes pa na sobrang havey!!! Para kang nasa comedy bar slash review center pagdating sa klase nya. Sa room namin, minsan mejo madaming vacant seats haha ewan ko baka di nila type? Pero for me talagang okay naman ang klase niya. Dami ko rin natutunan sa kanya about tax. Sobrang na inspire pa ako nung kinwento niya ang lifestory niya, hindi ko akalain na malapit pala siya kay Lord hahaha pero swear, nakakainspire. Sobrang lalakas ang loob mo para sa board.

 Masaya sa CPAR, super magiging masaya ang CPA journey mo. Maganda ang environment, mababait ang mga reviewers at maraming good looking peeps hahaha charot! So kung nagdedecide ka if saang review center ka magreview, it’s up to you! Choice mo naman yan e. Bawat review schools syempre may mga kanya kanyang strength. Basta nasa’yo yan kung paano ka papasa, iguguide lang tayo ng mga review centers na napili natin. Wala sa special handouts or anything ang pagpasa sa board. Basta, magtiwala ka sa review center mo at syempre sa alam mo! Huwag kang papasindak kung hindi ka man nabahagian ng kung anong special handout or kung anong handout pa yan, remember, mas fulfilling at masaya sa pakiramdam kapag nakapasa ka sa board ng sa sariling alam mo lang! tandaan mo yan J

Goodluck future CPAs! Keep the faith! Don’t quit!! You can do it :)

[autumn-in-phandom]

A review of "How WHITE is Dan?!- DNA TEST RESULTS"

I was riding in the car on the way to the store when I heard a familiar alert coming from my phone. I wondered aloud “Ooo is that Dan?” He was due to have a video out today or tomorrow, but it could be one of the few other channels I’m subscribed to. I’ve been psyched out before. I opened my phone and yes it was Dan and what was more, the word DNA was there. “They were right!” Those psychic IDB members with their “strong feelings” were right. 

I for one didn’t think Dan would make this video. Mainly because he said so himself during a liveshow in the spring, shortly after Phil had posted his. He had admitted to taking the test as well, but the results were so vague and he was disappointed. I could relate, having bought DNA kits for my parents and getting very broad results, particularly for my mother’s side, which we wanted to know more about. 

However, one shouldn’t take Daniel Howell at his word. He could be lying, or in this case he might just change his mind with the seasons. He wasn’t feeling it back then, but there was a hint in his last solo liveshow that he was thinking about ancestry again. The chat asked about “the grandma tweet” and he pulled up the photo of someone’s distant relative who had a strikingly similar face to his. Someone said it could be his great-grandmother, after all his own grandma was adopted. So reasonably, someone on IDB predicted that Dan would work this photo into his DNA video. After all Dan often sits on ideas for videos and then decides to make them when he feels the “the time is right” (or the topic is relevant). 

Dan did indeed choose to make this video now for a specific reason, and while the photo may have inspired him, it didn’t make an appearance or get a mention. Apparently the driving force behind this video was current events. Current events that some fans were disappointed that Dan and Phil had not mentioned. The heated protests in Charlottesville, Virginia were mentioned in the first eight seconds: 

“Hello Internet, in these times when apparently (camera zooms in on his lips) *some people* find it difficult to tell the difference between protesting racism and *racism*, I thought it would be relevant and mildly interesting to make a video about the shared genetic history of all humans by finding out *the origins of my ancestors*.“ (Cue the soft grey filter with fake lens flares, zen music and calm hand movements from Daniel). 

I was immediately intrigued, but a bit skeptical. How was a video entitled "How WHITE is Dan?!” going to positively address racism? Especially knowing that his results were boring, so probably not that diverse. Well, he did it by following through on his topic sentence and actually showing the shared genetic history of all humans through maps of human migration. He also did some historic research into his small percentage of West African DNA. Of course the little sign in the background reading ‘AYY FUCK NAZIS’ and his black shirt with red Cyrillic letters that translate to “equality” were nice aesthetic touches. 

Mind you, the actual factual human migration information comes later in the video. First we have sarcastic philosophical Dan waffling on about lizard people on Pangea slowly drifting apart “metaphorically and physically, until the inevitable nuclear apocalypse blows our planet into tiny chunks floating infinitely into the abyss of space” with a starry falling through space effect. Woah there nihilistic Dan, stay with us. 

It’s okay, there is a quick jump cut that changes the tone immediately. It’s a mention of Phil and his DNA video, complete with a clip of “Science!Phil”. What’s more, Dan says that Phil ordered the DNA test kit for him. Perhaps, it’s just to set up his own reluctance, as he goes on to do just that. For some of us, the idea of Phil ordering DNA testing for both of them (even if it is to use in a video) paints a pretty domestic picture. Though in Phil’s video he says he was given his for free by a friend of the family who is a doctor, thinking it would make a cool video. Perhaps this is why neither of their videos seem to be sponsored by the DNA testing company, 23andMe. Or are they?

Cue relatable slightly paranoid Dan with some sharp humor about “laboratories” and being cloned and replaced “by a compliant artificial intelligence” by Mark Zuckerberg (thanks for knowing the correct spelling of that iPad) or “Zuck”, with a Stephen Hawking like voice saying “I’m coming for you Danny”. Dan of course gave a fake name for his DNA profile (as did Phil), but kept his date of birth. However he admits there isn’t really any point in trying to protect his identity on the internet. Okay, John Johnson. 

“Are you ready! Am I ready? I have no idea what to expect to be honest.” Here’s the part where I have to suspend my disbelief and just accept that Dan pretending to react to these results as if he didn’t view them several months ago does make for a better video. Just like Dan pretending to play Bubble Bobble for the first time on the gaming channel in 2016, when in reality he tweeted about reaching level 100 with Phil back in 2009, did result in a very sweet gaming video. 

 Add a being related to a giraffe joke to the lizard one. I’m not sure if this is really helping the “one human race” thing, but it’s a pretty harmless joke. “Wow. Looking pretty white. That is one blue circle there, isn’t it JJ?” (the blue being European ancestry). Dan is 98.2% European and he jokes that this is the end of the video only a minute and half in. 

Dan drags his ancestors for “literally” sticking to four countries (Britain, Ireland, France and Germany) when in reality those results are lumping Britain and Ireland together because they share so much common DNA, the same for French and German. He is also ignoring that 33.8% of his Northwest European genetics is broadly undefined and he hasn’t gotten to the Southern European, Scandinavian or West African parts yet. But I still found “really got out there and saw the world” quite funny. “Okay someone saw the sun at least” was a good one, though I wish he would have addressed his ability to tan darkly in this video, perhaps in the fair skin section. More on that below. 

More relatable humor about not wanting to hike or get on a boat gets worked in to Dan finding out that he is not the least bit Asian or American. I vaguely recall a rumor about him being part Asian, let’s lay one that to rest. And I remember him hoping years ago that he might be part Native American because his grandma was adopted, but I found that extremely unlikely. Probably just a bit of wishful thinking perhaps brought on by being Team Jacob. 

Now here is the part that interests me the most. On the Ancestry DNA test I gave to my parents, 1.8% was considered a “trace amount”, but in this 23andMe service they give a specific timeline for when each genetic group cropped up and the West African and Scandinavian both span from the late 1700s to mid 1800s, not that long ago. Dan concludes that “a ‘Scandi’ and a West African got it together” (insert graphic of the two countries coming together with a smooching sound effect). I’m not sure if that timeline is definitively saying they were a couple, but Dan’s Wikipedia research supports it and it is an interesting bit of history. 

Segue into a brief farming family reunion story. 400 cousins, I’m sure. Shift to black and white and cue the unexplained mysteries music for Dan’s adopted grandmother mention. Dan “feels like there’s some epic adventure story there for another time”. Sign me the frick up! In fact please just bring your grandma onto one of your YouTube videos. She has always been the one Dan has been most comfortable talking about and even sharing pictures of. (Oh 'helo ther’ unflattering selfie from the Tinder spon on Dan’s computer). 

I appreciate Dan showing the Haplogroup migrations of his paternal line, but in true Dan fashion it included commentary about “presumably wrestling mammoths and getting frozen or something” in Asia and “then buggered off to Europe to get bitten by a rat or something”. “And consistently had sex for thousands of years. Well done ancestors (Dan applauds) truly incredible story. Lord of the Rings. Ten out of ten. Would read again.” Lovely sarcastic Dan. 

 And as he hypes up “the fun stuff”, “weird things about your personality, health and biology”, and “intimate specific information” that he probably shouldn’t share with the Internet”, but he will because he’s “just a piece of meat”, I get hit with a mid video ad of Gwen Stefani applying mascara, because the cheeky bastard made this exactly ten minutes and one second long. (To be fair Phil did the same thing recently). 

Dan has 300 Neanderthal variants, more than 82% of their customers. This is the same percentage as Phil, who talked about his head and brow shape and nasal chambers, but Dan uses this to relate to his “dank cave” dwelling habits (never opening the curtains of his bedroom). Based on his genetics, Dan is not likely to be a deep sleeper. “As I always say, why bother sleeping when you can stay awake thinking about stuff that makes you anxious. Right! Woo!” Dan addressing his mental health with humor, is always appreciated. I can actually see the power athlete possibility. He could be a big strong guy, but “wasted potential” and all that. (Personally my lazy self recoils at the idea of people dedicating so much of their time to training up their bodies to be these perfect machines, but hopeful D&P are spending some time at the gym for their general health.) “Looking at memes and talking about myself” is a great self-aware one liner. 

 Alright “cheek dimples”! Flop. What does this test know anyway? Stop referring to them as a deformity Dan, everyone loves your dimples! Okay I just did a bunch of reading on dimples and I guess they are considered a genetic deformity now a days. However on a social-biological level they may have all sorts of benefits, from being able to read emotions more clearly, to people wanting to procreate with you and not abandoning their cute babies. Dan has also been saying lately that he’s double deformed, but it is actually quite rare to have one side of your cheeks dimpled. (I used to have dimples as a child and all of a sudden they are back, but they are closer to my mouth than my smile lines and may just be from fat. Who knows.) 

 Alright good thing this isn’t a spon, calling the results “garbage”, “pseudoscience” and a “farce” even in jest, might not fly. Dan’s distrust of blonds Tweet is (at least partially) explained. I still think it might also relate to Dream Daddy and it is a mighty coinkidink that it was posted on the one year anniversary of Frank Ocean’s album. Promos all around? We just need to accept that Dan is a multilayered creature we will never fully understand. My husband will appreciate being compared to a unicorn though. 

Dan’s pain kink and weird enjoyment of the dentist makes a resurgence! Please make a full video out of this Dan. We promise not to shame… much. “Scrape me Dad-”. Interestingly enough Phil has an average sensitivity pain but thought it would be higher, hates having his gums scraped and implied his dentist might be a sadist. 

Dramatic build up and disclaimer for genetic health and increased risk of disease section. Feeling very relieved for the low risk of Altzheimers after reading that tear jerking dementia phanfic the other day (though it was Phil with the disease and I don’t think he mentioned it in his video). Dan was clearly worked up as well. He rests his face in his palm and is visibly pink and blotchy. 

He balances the seriousness with an over the top dramatic reaction to being a carrier for red hair, complete with a black and white fake sobbing scene. I’ll admit I found his pause at “So you’re telling me that there’s a chance that I could have children— born with red hair” a bit distracting, though I’m sure it wasn’t mean that way. “There was no disclaimer for this one.” Ha. I case you didn’t know he’s just joking “you beautiful sunset heads, rub those freckles all over me.” Dan has made his love of ginger people quite clear in the past and this tends to start a discourse about Phil’s natural hair color. 

I’ll weigh in on this. Phil was clearly ginger as a young child, just as Dan was blond when he was little. Both of their hair darkened quite a bit as they grew up, each becoming increasingly more brown. It’s harder to tell with Phil because he has denied his natural hair color for so long and seemingly makes up things about old photographs. Did he actually dye his hair before his first day of secondary school? Perhaps it was a bit of bleach that brighten it up and brought out the yellow/orange tones. In Phil’s Tinder spon he did admit to his hair getting a bit ginger during the summer. However by the time of his graduation, early university years and his appearance on 'The Weakest Link’ he had light-medium brown hair that I have a hard time considering a shade of auburn. You might call it nutmeg, but not cinnamon. I have medium auburn hair that has dulled with age, but does get more copper in the sun. But I don’t think Phil can be considered ginger anymore, especially as he chooses not to embrace it, so Dan’s love of ginger people seems completely separate from his fondness for Phil (except perhaps the freckles). 

Moving on to skin pigmentation and the title of his video, “How white is Dan Howell?” He laughs at his genetically light skin. 39% Very fair, 32% Moderately fair and “at most 25% Light beige” and acknowledges his privilege. It would have been a great chance to maturely talk about his ability to tan when he was younger, relating to his Southern European and West African ancestry without making problematic 2010/2011 era jokes. However it seems paleness is part of Dan’s branding now (since Phil has clearly turned him into a vampire). Or it’s just the “never go outside”, “cave dwelling” schtick. We’ve all seen your freckles Dan. 

In conclusion he hopes that people took something away from this be it “the possibility that [he] will have a ginger child in the future, that no one believes is [his], or that humanity has so much in common and we shouldn’t be divided by fascism, or that in the near future 'Zuck’ will be able to target ads to us based on our genetic code.” I sure hope it’s the middle one. “Ayy fuck Nazis”. Still, Dan gives us 20 years before society implodes. Finally he turns a joke about exercise into a confession about crying while reading the news. Seriously, well done Mr. Howell. (Nice promo for the casual and intimate liveshows too.) 

This was a great contrast to Phil’s light hearted DNA results video with Science!Phil, CushionStack.com, buff kangaroo attraction, naked mole rats, Buffy Summers alias, “top of the morning to ya”, Phil’s French ear, German elbow, Swedish eyebrow and Sardinian freckle, alien jokes, celebrity haplogroups, testing out his photic sneeze reflex and short-term memory and talking about asparagus urine detection. Bless Phill. I love him, truly. 

Both Dan and Phil’s videos do inspire me to send off the raw data of my parents DNA to a better company that can give me more detailed results. Maybe 23andMe. I’ve heard good things about the Human Genome Project as well. Ancestry DNA was pretty rubbish. 'Zuck’ and his wife should give these boys some money (if they haven’t already).

[junctioncats-blog]

i’m supposed to be reviewing my pitch ideas by 12am as i promised firdaus. but i have something in mind that i wanna write so- priorities, obviously. this holidays has been, nothing much in all honesty. i got a job, earned some money, changed this and that. on a whole, not as fulfilling as i imagined my last sem break before full force last lap that shall determine my university admission chances but ayy, it was still a good break. it brought me back to this time, last year. except that i had a whole year of fond memories to look back at. yes, one year since we first went out. slightly more than one year since we noticed each other’s existence and i appreciate humanity a lot more now. an irony that i’m still dreading tomorrow but that’s not the point of this what am i saying. i’ve always wanted to write about you. but i guess i’ll start with the past six weeks you’ve been by my side and we’ve actually recreated a few, not as many, memories together again. from ubin, to short much appreciated meet ups to cheer me and you and us up. just again how did i get this lucky?? i don’t think we’ve explored much places this time, but i still loved every single one of our outings. this break we didn’t get to go on our saturdates much. we went to events together though, yet we still walked as usual and i still love walking with you. just a random near the end disclaimer: this post is so messy i don’t expect this to be understood, but i try like how i always do with my writing. back to what i was saying, my little weak heart still manages to tire itself out jumping up n down up n down left right whatever whenever we arrange for dates and i get to see you and you still manage to surprise me over and over again. oh how i’d hope to live the rest of my life to be overwhelmed with feelings like these whenever i see you. i still get the same butterflies in my stomach whenever you look at me, whenever you tell me you love me. who would have expected that a year ago right?? i mean, cOME ON this still is so surreal and i count my blessings every single day. i pray that you will continue to be my source of happiness for the days months years to come and insya Allah it’ll still be you whose smile i see and voice that soothes my stupid anxiety attacks before times like these aka school and probs internship and life in time to come. i love you more than you think and i still can’t explain. but i like how this feels. it’s when i can’t put these feelings into words that i know i’m capable of feeling so much more because you bring out the best in me, love. 

[news-mashable-yahoopartner-blog]

Elon Musk was once tech's angel. Now he's an overplayed meme.

It’s Viral Market Crash week on Mashable. Join us as we take stock of the viral economy and investigate how the internet morphed from a fun free-for-all to a bleak hellscape we just can’t quit.

In the space of a few short months, Elon Musk has gone from being the internet's tech darling to one of the most parodied personalities online.

Up until this spring, Musk was more or less well liked. Sure, his employees were reportedly working mandatory overtime, but his anti-union stances were overlooked because hey, he launched a car into space! His company's egregious record of under-reporting workplace injuries was glossed over because he started dating Grimes after shooting his shot with an adorably nerdy pun. Elon Musk was the manic pixie dream boy of tech: He was deeply problematic, but it was easy to ignore because he was just so quirky. 

SEE ALSO: People think Guy Fieri is a better philanthropist than Elon Musk

I mean, he sold flamethrowers. Flamethrowers! Who even remembers that Tesla employees were apparently forced to work around the body of an employee who passed out when there are videos of a grown man giggling about his new flamethrower? 

Don’t do this. Also, I want to be clear that a flamethrower is a super terrible idea. Definitely don’t buy one. Unless you like fun.

A post shared by Elon Musk (@elonmusk) on Jan 27, 2018 at 5:29pm PST

But then in late May, Musk's reputation took a sudden nosedive when he started using Twitter like Donald Trump. Musk criticized how the media covers Tesla crashes. He was understandably upset that a recent crash that resulted in a broken ankle was reported on extensively while thousands of fatal crashes from standard cars aren't. 

Then he ramped up his complaining and blamed "big media" for lying, and claimed that nobody believes news outlets anyway. He also said that journalists are "under constant pressure to get max clicks" or risk getting fired for not pulling in enough of that sweet advertising revenue, even insinuating that fossil fuel and oil companies were paying off reporters to write negative reviews of Tesla's cars. 

As if that wasn't enough, Musk followed up by announcing his plans to create a Yelp-type review site for journalists that would allow the public to "rate the core truth of any article," which honestly sounds like an Orwellian hell. 

Musk's anti-news rant came just weeks after Reveal published a damning report about Tesla putting manufacturing above its employees' safety. Grimes tried to defend her new boyfriend, insisting that Tesla being anti-union was "fake news." When journalist Jessica Huseman called out Musk for his tweets, pointing out that Reveal is a nonprofit that doesn't compete for clicks, he threw a temper tantrum that turned into a months-long Twitter meltdown. 

No, they’re just some rich kids in Berkeley who took their political science prof too seriously

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) May 23, 2018

Like an angsty preteen who just feels misunderstood by society, Musk lashed out at everyone who criticized him. 

Then in June, Alex Arbuckle changed his Twitter display name to "Italian Elon Musk" and started blessing our feeds with parodies of Musk's tweets. 

Ayy!! I make a da rockets!!

— alex (@alexqarbuckle) June 16, 2018

Arbuckle isn't the first to spoof Elon Musk. The account Bored Elon Musk has been actively shitposting on Twitter for years. 

Digital counter in conference rooms that displays running sum of TIME ELAPSED x HOURLY RATE of all people in a meeting.

— Bored Elon Musk (@BoredElonMusk) April 16, 2015

Alarm that also starts a timer for how long you're allowed to f*** around on your phone after waking up.

— Bored Elon Musk (@BoredElonMusk) April 5, 2017

Arbuckle's version of Elon Musk was unique, though. While Bored Elon Musk made fun of Musk's ideas, like tweeting randomly specific but ingenious innovations, Arbuckle's Musk made fun of Musk himself. 

I love a my employee Sal, he spinna da dough like a no one else!! I had a to fire him because a he ask for a raise!! I say Sal, donna you have enough dough already? Prego!!

— alex (@alexqarbuckle) June 17, 2018

It got a lot of attention, and he even lost his Twitter verification for the bit. 

[when I get my verified checkmark removed by Twitter for doing a bit where Elon Musk is Italian] ayyyy whoopsy daisy

— alex (@alexqarbuckle) June 17, 2018

Italian Elon Musk's run was short, though — Arbuckle changed his name and profile photo after just five glorious days. 

"I ended the Italian Elon Musk bit after realizing I'd been de-verified by Twitter, because in my estimation that was the funniest possible way for the bit to end," Arbuckle wrote Mashable in an email. 

While Twitter users mourned the loss of one of the greatest bits of 2018, the real Elon Musk's social media meltdown continued. 

When 12 boys and their soccer coach got stranded in a flooded cave in Thailand, Musk jumped to the rescue. Sort of. He had a child-size submarine constructed so divers could pop a kid in, squeeze the metal tube through the cave's narrow passages, and safely deliver each child to dry land. Except, according to a BBC report, the head of the rescue mission called the baby sub just "not practical." While Musk was live-tweeting the mini submarine's development, human divers were actually rescuing the children one by one. 

Despite being a 47-year-old adult, Musk couldn't take the criticism. In another Twitter rant he responded to the BBC's report with screenshots of emails with the co-leader of the Thai rescue team. He followed up by claiming that his sub "could do the entire journey & demonstrate at any time." He topped it off by implying that "billionaire" is a slur, and when called out on that, bragged about the number of jobs he created.

Ironically, the “billionaire” label, when used by media, is almost always meant to devalue & denigrate the subject. I wasn’t called that until my companies got to a certain size, but reality is that I still do the same science & engineering as before. Just the scale has changed.

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) July 10, 2018

No, it means I created jobs for 50,000 people directly and, through parts suppliers & supporting professions, ~250,000 people indirectly, thus supporting half a million families. What have you done?

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) July 10, 2018

Musk's response to lead diver Vern Unsworth calling his child submarine "just a PR stunt" that had "absolutely no chance of working" was icing on the cake. Unsworth is an avid caver who has extensive knowledge of the cave system the boys were stranded in. In a series of unhinged tweets — his magnum opus of Twitter rants — Musk called Unsworth "pedo guy" and claimed he "never saw this British expat guy who lives in Thailand (sus)." 

That's probably the Muskiest tweet Musk has ever tweeted. Arbuckle, now formerly known as Italian Elon Musk, said it best: "No conceivable parody could be funnier than calling a rescue hero a pedophile because he made fun of your waterproof space trash boy casket." 

To the people in my mentions telling me to bring back Italian Elon Musk: No. No conceivable parody could be funnier than calling a rescue hero a pedophile because he made fun of your waterproof space trash boy casket

— alex (@alexqarbuckle) July 15, 2018

He has a point — despite the multiple parody accounts that have popped up in the absence of our beloved Italian Elon Musk, none of them can sound as ridiculous as actual Elon Musk tweets. 

A week later, Twitter announced that it would start locking accounts whose display names said "Elon Musk." The company said that it was to prevent cryptocurrency scams, since lookalikes would comment under Musk's tweets promising that if Twitter users sent him Ethereum, he would send even more back. 

Twitter users joked that Elon Musk paid off the site so parody accounts would stop making fun of him. 

Elon Musk is such a petty bastard that he got an Italian spoof account of his banned from Twitter. How naive of him to think that will stop the internet from mocking him Rise French Élon Musque and take your Italian brother's place! pic.twitter.com/aNbmt5fRtG

— Culture Shots (@hjvinke) July 28, 2018

"targeting cryptocurrency scammers" is code for "elon forked out $2,000,000 to make sure Italian Elon Musk never resurfaces" https://t.co/9cOBzhXKYv

— thomas violence (@thomas_violence) July 26, 2018

Arbuckle has a different take: 

"Twitter locking accounts that change their name to Elon Musk is some extremely hilarious shit for a website that not only enables but actually verifies violent white supremacist organizations," he told Mashable, ending his email with a dig at Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey. "Terrific priorities, Jack."

French Elón Musque, who has since changed their name to @locallefties, was one of the first copycats who got popular in the weeks after Arbuckle said he wouldn't resurrect Italian Elon. They got around Twitter's new locking policy by changing up Musk's name. Through Twitter DM, they said, "i thought it might piss off elon musk which would be cool." 

i send ze baguette into space... i dont pay ze taxés... honhonhon...

— YOUR LOCAL LEFTIES (@locallefties) July 27, 2018

ze homeless man on ze street ask me “please monsieur musk spare some change my family is dying” i tell him “have you heard of ze hyperloop”

— YOUR LOCAL LEFTIES (@locallefties) July 28, 2018

ze tesla cars catch fire so zat you may easily toast your croissants

— YOUR LOCAL LEFTIES (@locallefties) July 28, 2018

With French Elón Musque leading the way, Swëdish Eløn Müsk, German Elon von Müsk, and South African Elon Musk rose from the ashes of Italian Elon Musk. 

Ï sjënd dë mætbals ïnto späcë, Ï døn’t pjay de täxes, bork bork

— Swëdish Eløn Müsk (@MuskSwedish) July 28, 2018

I am very socialist ja. I seek greatest good for all. Zats vy I ground ze factory verkers of Tesla Motorwagen into dust to reach ze production numbers for ze Model tree for my bonus.

— German Elon von Müsk (@DvonMusk) July 28, 2018

I sent a car into space!! I don't pay taxes!! Hahaha!!

— South African Elon Musk (@saelonmusk) July 28, 2018

Someone even came up with whatever the hell this version of Elon Musk is. 

Ị̘ ͚͎͈ba̠̺̜̤̬n̯̪̝̩̮̼i̟̘s̬̲̣͖̞ͅh̼̤e͙͇̠̯͉͍d̘̼ ̫̺̦a̤ ͔̦̗̟̘͎c̩͖a͔͎r̲͕͙̮̗ ̩̠̝̟̝̫ͅt͖͓̖̩o̗ ͔̳et̝e̯r̟na͎̱͉͔̮̫̰l͉̖͉̥̞̬̭ ̜̻͍dam̫͓̮̭̝n̠a͈͉t̻i͚̯̤͓̱̪ͅo͉̟ͅn̳̻̫̖ ͉̟̜I ̻̤̗̻̼̘̞d͇̹̟o̭̳̣͚̦̪̻n̠͈̦t͇͇̘̳ ͙ͅp̦̘͚͖̝̣a̹̳̞͙̼̭̮y͔ ̣t̤̹̪̳̭͚a̺͔͈̪xẹ̤͇̯̳̘̭s̹͖̪̘ͅ H̺͔͇͖̳̩̭a̞̥h̘̬̺̜͓̱̣a̗̤ha̝̞̖ḥa̻͕̗͈

— Elonmorsque of the Nine Hells (@elonmorsque) July 30, 2018

While Twitter users argued over whether or not the Elon Musk parodies were actually good, everyone could agree that the fake accounts were still more bearable than seeing actual Elon Musk tweets. 

french elon musk is considerably worse than italian elon musk but they're both infinitely better than original flavour elon musk

— robocop 2 (@newmoneytrash) July 28, 2018

what made italian elon musk funny is, it combined a classic trope (italian accent) with the spontaneity of its execution. what made french elon musk briefly funny was that it was homage. what made south african elon musk funny was format deconstruction. nothing else will be funny

— victim of reply guys every day on this horrid site (@D0GGEAUX) July 28, 2018

The Musk parodies, funny or not, played off national stereotypes. People worried that the accounts would take it too far and start being actively racist for the sake of making fun of Elon Musk. 

Stop making national stereotype Elon Musk accounts. You will never recapture the lightning in a bottle that was Italian Elon Musk and it's only a matter of time before someone slips out of ironic chauvinism and ends up doing something actually racist

— The Bionic Woman (@fireh9lly) July 28, 2018

Two accounts, @ElonMuskButGay and @ElonMuskButStr8, ended up tweeting cringey, offensive Musk parodies. At that point, accounts weren't even trying to be funny — the creators were just tweeting for the sake of hopping on the bandwagon. 

when the tides of war between the unfunny goobers riding the coattails of the italian elon musk account have finally subsided, these will be the only survivors left to tell the tale pic.twitter.com/nKhknSwQ3i

— Lilly, Host of the Florida Nightm🌟re (@GunstarHeroine) July 29, 2018

@locallefties dropped the French Elón Musque bit because "the joke got old and wasn’t fun anymore." They've been using their account, which now has over 52,000 followers, to promote work by LGBTQ artists and spread awareness of progressive causes. 

"We want to actually use our popularity to foster change rather than make harmless fun of some tech billionaire lol," they tweeted on Thursday. 

Arbuckle says he was on a remote island vacation with his family when the parodies started popping up. "I turned my phone on to see what was going on in the world and quickly turned it off and went diving for mussels. I did laugh at South African Elon Musk, though," he wrote. 

While parody Elon Musk accounts have died down in the past week, the real Elon Musk is still tweeting ridiculousness. On Wednesday, he put out a call for video game developers because he wants to add "super fun games" to Tesla's center touch screen. It would be something like Pokémon Go, but "more of an adults in cars anime vibe." 

Sounds dangerous but OK. 

If you’re into video game development, consider applying to Tesla. We want to make super fun games that integrate the center touch screen, phone & car irl.

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) August 1, 2018

Something like that, but more of an adults in cars anime vibe

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) August 1, 2018

At this point, it's nearly impossible to parody Elon Musk because he keeps churning out wild tweets that will probably one-up any fake Musk account. But we can remember that for one glorious week in July, Twitter was overrun by Elon Musks. 

Editor's Note: Alex Arbuckle is a verified former employee of Mashable.

WATCH: To learn to juggle, this AI-powered hand had to accumulate 100 years’ worth of experience

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 21/11/2020 (Billie Eilish)

I’ve got an easy week ahead of me since nothing happened this week. Okay, that’s a lie because there are some big stories here but we only have six new arrivals, meaning that this might be a shorter episode and honestly I’m glad. We’ve had immensely busy weeks since I started this show, full of album bombs from 21 Savage, Ariana Grande and Headie One, bizarre new entries from years ago like “Train Wreck” or “All Girls are the Same”, interesting and intriguing new arrivals ranging from Clairo to Giggs and most importantly, a lot of comical mediocre garbage from D-Block Europe. This week, however, I’ve got half of my usual bargain bin of pop music and whilst some of these songs are notable and worth talking about... well, you’ll see. “positions” by Ariana Grande is spending a fourth week at #1. Welcome back to REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

Firstly, let’s run through the drop-outs, most of which are inconsequential considering this is a slow breather week between two massive ones – BTS are coming next, folks, and bringing Megan Thee Stallion with them. I think our most notable losses is how absolutely everything from Kylie Minogue, the Kid LAROI and even dutchavelli is completely gone here, including “Cool with Me” with M1llionz, the actual single from the record. I guess we can say goodbye to the top 10 hit “Breaking Me” by Topic and A75, as well as the drop off of one 2020’s biggest #1 hits, “Rain on Me” by Lady Gaga and Ariana Grande – we can wish a perhaps premature farewell to “Jerusalema” by Master KG and Nomcebo Zikode while we’re here. The bigger stories probably lie with our returns, many of which are peaking or returning to their peak like “Sofia” by Clairo at #75, “All Girls are the Same” by the late Juice WRLD at #73 and “Martin & Gina” by Polo G at #71. The Christmas songs have also started flooding in, one of which is a new arrival that we’ll talk about later, but so far we just have the controversial classic “Fairytale of New York” by the Pogues featuring Kirsty MacColl returning to #63, “Last Christmas” by WHAM! – the biggest #2 of all time – back at #44 and already, on November 21st, more than a month before the big day, “All I Want for Christmas is You” by Mariah Carey moving up to the top 40 at #30. I don’t see much competition that’ll block this from #1 this year. Also, speaking of all this holiday music, “Holiday” by Little Mix returns at #36 thanks to silly UK chart rules that meant it was traded off with “Happiness” from last week. I’ve already reviewed all of these songs – or close enough to all of them – but one I haven’t reviewed is “Yes Sir, I Can Boogie” by Baccara returning to #57 as it becomes the new Scottish football anthem. You know, that Spanish disco track from 1977. It did hit #1 that year, but this is such a bizarre return I felt the need to talk about it... but, never mind, I think I should take advantage of having less on my plate this week. In terms of fallers and climbers, “Straight Murder (Giggs & David)” by, you guessed it, Giggs and Dave, dropped out of its top 40 debut to just #56 this week, joining the biggest faller, “Dynamite” by BTS, presumably having its streaming cut or just finally running out of the K-pop steam, dropping from #21 to #52. Other songs backing away from the top 40 include “Deluded” by Tion Wayne and MIST at #49, “Confetti” by Little Mix at #42 and “Loading” by Central Cee at #41. What worries me is there’s not much that seems to be replacing it, other than maybe “Plugged in Freestyle” by Fumez the Engineer and A92 at #45 or our biggest climber, “Get Out My Head” by Shane Codd at #30. It should also be noted that strangely, the album at #1 on the Album Charts has no presence in the UK Top 75 – which I review because, really, who cares about those last 25 songs? – probably because of how many physical albums were sold instead of digital sales and streaming. It’s an AC/DC album so it’s expected that the audiences who stream songs and buy CDs from Australian rock legends don’t overlap, even with a big lead single that nearly charted on the US Hot 100. Well, let’s talk about the songs that DID debut finally, starting with... the revenge of the Sith.

NEW ARRIVALS

#65 – “Cut Me Off” – Yxng Bane featuring D-Block Europe

Produced by DZL and Akeel

The music I’ve been listening to has been pretty much all over the place recently, ranging from 1990s drum and bass to McAlmont & Butler to bitcrushed hyperpop to Ned’s Atomic Dustbin to... Young Thug, for some reason. That’s part of the reason I like doing REVIEWING THE CHARTS. It keeps me grounded to what music is actually popular, important and what I should be looking out for. With that said, I don’t think I’ve ever felt the need to look out for D-Block Europe, but they keep on popping up on the chart week after week regardless. Well, a collaboration between these two is never unexpected; after all, they have an entire album together, which has sometimes confused me since Yxng Bane has always been a smoother Afrobeats crooner whilst D-Block Europe make stiff, comical trap-adjacent emptiness type beats... whatever that means. The collaboration, I have to say, actually works and I’ll admit, I’m actually pretty fond of this track. It’s got a pretty minimal beat off of mostly dancehall percussion, sparse vocal samples and bass, but it picks up a lot of groove during the chorus and whilst Yxng Bane isn’t exactly the most interesting frontman, he does ride the beat fine and his sing-songy flow is pretty damn catchy. He takes care of the first half of the song, before D-Block Europe even come in, and surprisingly, the first other voice we hear is Dirtbike LB. No, Dirtbike isn’t interesting but he sounds a lot more engaged than usual and he actually sounds mentally sound and happy, so that’s good, even if he rids the song of any of Yxng Bane’s subtlety. His flows are pretty solid, even if they are sometimes copped from NAV on “Lemonade”, oddly. This beat can also handle Young Adz’s fascination with leaving empty space in his verses, as he has some pretty complex melodic and triplet flows over the beat, which never loses its funk even when threatened with how awkward D-Block Europe tend to be, and that final flow Adz uses over the pumping 808s is smooth as all hell and actually has some swagger for once. He doesn’t say anything embarrassing and there’s actually some wordplay going on here, so I really can’t complain about this track as much as I wanted to. Will it stand up to replay? Maybe not, but this is pretty great actually and a massive improvement from all three of these dudes, although this may just be a fluke like “New Dior”. If these guys want to show more fluke brilliance from now on that would be great. Just saying.

#60 – “HOLIDAY” – Lil Nas X

Produced by Take a Daytrip and Tay Keith

I like Lil Nas X. I enjoy his fun social media presence and meme-heavy persona, which may grow old to a lot of folks but I still like seeing him pop up on my timeline. I admire how he is openly gay and not afraid to discuss that in his music especially when he has the impossible platform of “Old Town Road”, one of if not the biggest songs of all time. I’m intrigued by his willingness to blend genres and break down boundaries in styles of music from sound, presentation and even race, even if it loses him some points on actually developing said tracks, mostly ending up as demos – the initiative is there. However, on that last EP, and especially this song, his charisma is the driving force and I don’t think Nas can replicate the magic of even “Panini” without more than his natural, jovial and playful tone. To start off with the positives, I do like the cold, icy beat that fits with the vague, pretty false holiday theme here, and they are some nice little details like that wobbling synth-bass differing from typical distorted trap 808s, the background keys replicating the melody of the second chorus throughout, and even the morphing of the producer tags to form a sentence. Tay Keith took it to ten instead for this beat, I suppose, and it is a good fusion of the two production styles. The problem I have with this song is, unfortunately, Lil Nas X. His delivery is checked-out and bored, and that makes these hard-to-sell lyrics about his career both irrelevant to the ostensibly Christmas-themed song and just not convincing in the slightest.

I can’t even close my eyes and I don’t know why, I guess I don’t like surprises / I can’t even stay away from the game I play, they gon’ know us today, yeah

This is the chorus and he’s saying absolutely nothing here. It’s just rhyming words that would have fit for a demo but are produced with some robotic multi-tracking and engineering to make it sound professional but also dull and manufactured. Sure, the verses and pre-chorus have more depth but this type of self-aware flexing and snarky one-liners only works well when it doesn’t sound like it’s being played completely straight (No pun intended). The song and artist exhumes character and optimism but both the beat and Nas here sound sour, mean-spirited and almost ugly. Most of the throwaway pop culture references are pretty pointless and awkward as well, with some really awful lyrics.

Ayy, and I’m sexy, they want to sex me

I call redundancy, Your Honour. Oh, and what a pre-chorus. “Hee-hee, I’m bad as Michael Jackson”? In 2020? It’s not like I expected anything lyrically superb from Lil Nas X, but less filler and... unfortunate implications would have been fun. Man, I do want to like this song, and I’m excited for that “CALL ME BY YOUR NAME” track he continues to tease, but for now this doesn’t work as a Christmas single at all, unless your idea of the Winter holidays is joyless cynicism. Okay, well, maybe in 2020, that’ll work out for you but any other year, this wouldn’t cut it.

#59 – “A Little Love” – Celeste

Produced by Josh Crocker and Jamie Hartman

This song is an advertisement. So much of an advertisement in fact that the full name of the song is “A Little Love (From the John Lewis & Waitrose Christmas Advert 2020)”. The John Lewis company is a brand of high-end department stores across the British Isles and have become kind of an iconic Christmas tradition in the UK for their heart-warming but often fantasy-adjacent advertisements they release every November or so. It always comes with a song, sometimes original, sometimes a cover, and nearly always a dreary piano ballad. This year they enlisted BRIT Award winner and British soul newcomer Celeste but not even new blood and an original song written for the advert can make this sound anything resembling interesting. A lot of people thought this John Lewis advertisement was disappointing – I don’t have an opinion because I do not care about the quality of adverts. I also do not care about the quality of the song which I’m sure you can tell is very little. This advert becomes increasingly irrelevant as the years go on and not even Celeste’s pretty unique voice can make this anything more than dull and half-baked. I mean, it’s well-mixed, but so is nearly everything that charts. You really can’t say this is anything but a product that serves as promotion for another product. It’s no surprise this didn’t debut high because in 2020 – and really any year – people would and should want more than this. Hopefully this doesn’t coast off of the advert and become a hit because, I don’t know, it kind of sets a bad precedent. Maybe I’m just pretentious. Probably.

#43 – “Flavour” – Loski and Stormzy

Produced by Mike Elizondo and Steel Banglez

Last time we saw Loski, he was going for a threatening and menacing “bad guy” drill track, but now he’s making room for the ladies in that drug trafficking route, rapping over a smooth Afrobeats instrumental courtesy of Steel Banglez, who’s still around actually amongst the waves of rip-offs and producers courting his style for their own, and it’s just a hook-up jam where the guys mostly trade bars about girls. Of course, Stormzy gets the first verse, but with the deadpan delivery of both of these guys but especially Loski, the somewhat shoddy vocal mixing on Stormzy’s voice, I find myself caring so little about absolutely any of this. This beat is kind of distracting in how it mixes Eastern strings with Afrobeats rhythms, early 2010s dance music synths (the main synth pattern sounds as 2014 as possible) and trap skitters. The hook is barely existent, neither of the guys have chemistry or charisma here, not even Stormzy, and the song’s about two Loski verses too long. No, the lyrical content isn’t anything but vaguely cute, surprisingly inoffensive and shockingly lacking in misogyny for once, and I don’t expect it to be. Honestly, Stormzy name-dropping Everybody Loves Raymond is probably the highlight. I’m sure Ray Romano is beaming.

#7 – “Stop Crying Your Heart Out” – BBC Children in Need

Produced by Brian Rawling, Mark Taylor, Anoushka Shankar, Sheku Kanneh-Mason, Grace Chatto and BBC Concert Orchestra

When I did my Spring episode, I was met with a BBC Radio 1 cover of “Times Like These” by the Foo Fighters that was released to support the NHS workers during the COVID-19 pandemic and the first British lockdown. This “Live Lounge Allstars” single went to #1 and naturally, with a second lockdown we have a second single by a second BBC radio station with second-rate “Allstars”, which is probably why it’s just credited as BBC Children in Need this time. Oh, and for some reason, they credited every single BBC Child in Need on the Spotify page this time. Now last time we had you know, the actual Foo Fighters, as well as global superstars like Dua Lipa and Ellie Goulding, as well as Sean Paul, Rita Ora and members of Coldplay, alongside many, many others, all of which were or are relevant to this day. So for this second song, not only did they take an absolutely crap Oasis single from their early-mid-2000s years, way after they had stopped being worth listening to, and stripped it of any of its genuine orchestral backing and intriguing and iconic Liam Gallagher vocal deliveries. I’m not going to go in-depth like last time. It still butchers a classic, but a classic song I hate in the first place, just getting rid of any redeemable elements that Oasis still had in 2002, so I don’t care enough about the source material but really this is weak and boring, with questionable vocal mixing and unimpressive vocal performances from everyone involved. If you’re wondering who everyone involved is, it’s Izzy Bizu, Grace Chatto of Clean Bandit, Melanie C, Jamie Cullum, Ella Eyre, Paloma Faith, Rebecca Ferguson, Jess Glyne, LAUV, Ava Max, James Morrison, Gregory Porter, Nile Rodgers, Jack Savoretti, Anoushka Sankor, Robbie Williams and Yola... as well as some of the more bizarre additions, like Jay Sean riding high off of an uncredited sample of his hit last year, Kylie Minogue clearly only here to promote an album (In fact, that can sadly be said for most of the artists here), Lenny Kravitz and freaking CHER both being somehow completely unrecognisable, Goddamn Bryan Adams and KSI of all people, who doesn’t even get a rap verse like AJ Tracey and Sean Paul on the first cover. He’s just... there, I guess? None of these guys are in sync at all and the song was unremarkable in the first place but I can’t get mad at charity going to a good cause, even if all of these musicians could just cough up some of their own cash. I expect to see this fall dramatically next week.

#2 – “Therefore I Am” – Billie Eilish

Produced by FINNEAS

This, however, I predict will stick around. Billie Eilish bravely drops the lowercase for a brand new song – and maybe perhaps could possibly be a lead single – and it acts as an attack on the critics, particularly a response to all of the nonsense that has been thrown her way for being a confident young woman in the industry who decides she doesn’t want to conform to outrageous beauty standards set by the media. I think a very recent notable one was when she was photographed by paparazzi walking and looking like a completely normal 19-year-old woman (although, perhaps one with particularly vibrant hair dye) and was met with criticism from the news media and a lot of different narratives on social media, ranging from general body-shaming (which she already took a stance towards in March on her tour with a pretty cool short film) to weird professions of beauty when, no, she did not look like she was keeping up appearances and that is completely fine. That image displays a problem with how society holds celebrities and particularly women to a ridiculous fashion standard, even when they’re just walking from place to place, like they can’t look like your normal, ordinary, every-day adult woman, which, you know, they are. I think she really gets to that point when she says this:

Top of the world but your world isn’t real / Your world’s an ideal

Sadly, I think the rest of the song is rather underwritten and feels like a vague diss track towards critics, using arguments that really only apply when talking about cyberbullying and genuine toxic media press (which the UK knows well), and generalising them with all critics, making it seem like a human attack on mass-media corporations, which doesn’t really go down as well as she wants it to. The pre-chorus, chorus and even the second verse and bridge feel pretty underwhelming in terms of content too and whilst her carefree delivery is supposed to make the lines hit harder if anything it just weakens the blow. The minimal production from FINNEAS with a pretty nice 808 bass groove and distorted percussion, as well as a pretty piano flourish, does help to make this sound a bit less tired but honestly just makes Eilish seem out of place if anything, which isn’t true for anything else the two have made together, so I’m personally not a fan and think this is a rare miss for Billie and FINNEAS. I agree with the message, but this could have been executed in a much more impactful and aggressive way that would have made more of a point, in my opinion.

Conclusion

That’s not to say that the song is bad, though and I’ll give “Therefore I Am” by Billie Eilish an Honourable Mention even for just being interesting and more than the most basic, factory-produced equivalent of its genre that could be made, which can be said for most of the rest of the tracks here. Best of the Week does go to Yxng Bane and D-Block Europe of all people for “Cut Me Off”, and I can’t bring myself to dislike a charity single so I suppose Worst of the Week goes to Lil Nas X’s “HOLIDAY”, and the Dishonourable Mention will be brought to you after the messages. In other words, it’s “A Little Love” by Celeste. Here’s this week’s top 10:

I’ll brace myself for the upcoming week now, and you can follow me on Twitter @cactusinthebank if you want to see me Tweet complete nonsense the majority of the time. I’ll see you next week.