#awful idea why would I even. Gah

[yumashi]

mischievous princess

[ohanny]

so @cryingatships posted about pit babe cam boy au ideas (the north and sonic one will flourish in my brain rent free for the next forever) which reminded me i also wrote one for kenta and kim way back when and i just want to add to their genius because we need more spicy pit babe ideas

again, gets nsfw below the cut:

where introvert kenta finally moves out of his dad’s house and finds a room to rent for suspiciously cheap in a suspiciously nice apartment. he asks some questions because he's not stupid but kim’s all "don't worry, i can afford it and to be honest, i kinda get lonely” and well, it is a really good deal. how likely is it that kenta would end up living with a human trafficking evil overlord twice, anyway? like kim literally could not be worse than his father.

their cohabitation works brilliantly but after two months of living together, kenta comes home from work early to discover the reason why kim can afford their rental agreement and seems to have all the time in the world for his hobbies is not because he's some nepo baby but because he has an insanely lucrative career as a cam boy and an only fans star. because there kim is, dressed in a sheer robe and stockings, washing a sparkly pink dildo in the middle of their open kitchen.

kim, defiant: i am not ashamed of what i do and if it bothers you, you can move out.

kenta whose brain has blue screened and is currently making beep boop noises: gah 

but once kenta manages to stammer out he is fine with kim’s chosen career, kim stops hiding. partly because he's a petty bitch and wants to see if kenta is actually fine with it or if he's a closeted homophobe who really likes cheap rent and partly because sneaking around his own home is super annoying and he would much rather do his make up in the living room because the big windows provide the best light. also, it would be super helpful if kenta could lend him a hand with his lighting system because it takes ages to figure out all the angles alone.

kenta is totally having a crisis because kim is just so confident and self-assured and after he finishes filming, he will sit in the living room eating pizza in old sweats, regaling kenta with tales of cringy comments from old men and other streaming misfortunes from buying the most disgustingly tasting flavored lube to getting a cramp in the middle of riding his toys.

but then one evening kenta comes home to kim stabbing a salad, looking sulky, and he’s like “what, no pizza tonight?” and kim rolls his eyes and explains one of his top donors made a comment about how he's been gaining weight lately with a self-deprecating “i guess i got a bit too carried away with the take out and beer with you.”

kenta is offended. he might go on a little rant about how that man must be blind on top of an absolute imbecile and should go fuck himself for a change and kim is beautiful no matter what he eats and in kenta’s personal opinion actually looks much better now compared to the rail thin twink thing he had going on when kenta first moved in. kim stares up at him, wide eyed and in awe.

kenta, blushing and starting to stutter again: anyway… no one should be allowed to tell anyone what to do with their bodies and you should just block them because you don't need someone like that in your space and i will just go to my room now bye

kim, jumping to his feet to grab kenta: the fuck you are, come here -

and yes, they kiss and it's amazing but kim is still hesitant because “you're really okay with all this? because i don't plan on stopping anytime soon, i like what i do” and kenta sheepishly admits that he sometimes watches kim’s streams on a burner account.

kim: you know you'd get a much better view on the other side of the wall?

kenta: oh.

kim: that was an invitation, dummy.

kenta: OH

kim is right. the view is so much better on the other side of the wall. kim is stunning and looks and sounds so fucking good and having kenta there is totally helping him get in the mood and put on an even better show. if the live chat gets a rising frequency of comments along the lines of “is it just me or is kim looking at someone behind the camera?” well, it adds to the mystique?

and really, it's inevitable that - once he gets comfortable - kenta snaps in a moment of horny insanity and ends up revealing himself. it's friday and kim is on all fours, fucking himself with the infamous pink, sparkly dildo but he’s not able to reach quite right and he keeps begging and cursing at the camera and kenta’s brain just goes “well, i could help.” he doesn't think. he just gets out of his chair, ducks past the camera and swats kim’s hand away to grab the base of the dildo and then smoothly slides it all the way in.

it’s only when kim’s arms give out and he slumps down with a guttural moan that kenta realizes they’re still very much live. he snatches his hand back but before he can stumble completely out of the frame, kim whines “fuck, come back, sorry guys but i don't give a shit” into the pillow and the chat goes WILD when kenta is helpless to do anything other what he's told. he uses the dildo to fuck kim into, through and past a devastating prostate orgasm and once he has regained his senses, kim ends the stream with a breathless giggle and a “sorry to cut the outro tonight but clearly me and my roommate need to have a talk.”

kenta: roommate?

kim: i mean, i'd prefer boyfriend because i'm pretty sure i'm in love with you but -

kenta: boyfriend sounds good.

and they live happily ever after. kenta helps kim with his accounts, clothes and photoshoots and on special occasions, joins his streams and videos. kim charges double for everything they do as a couple and all that extra money is certainly helping him in convincing kenta to quit the office job he's way too qualified for and find what he really wants to do in life. they adopt three cats and kenta moves all his things into kim’s room and everything is beautiful and nothing hurts.

[danganronpasurvivoraskblog]

Birds of a Foreign Land Must Fly.

...

*Shuichi, hiding out in Branch 2's Head Office, curls up into a ball and rests against the wall, burying his head in his arms and contemplating everything that happened...

Dammit...why...just...Why...?

'Cause life sucks buddy boy. Especially for omniversal immigrants like us.

GAH!?

*He almost falls over as a voice sounds out from near his desk.

K-Kokichi!? When and how did you get in here?

Well, considering you were devoting your eyes and ears to sobbing and crying, I doubt even your detective instincts could have noticed me when I just walked through the door.

...Are you here to cheer me up...?

Hah! Who do you take me for? That is NOT my thing!

Hehe...I guess not...

But even still. I'm DEFINITELY super curious. Whatcha crying about?

We won! Zetsubou are gone, Shirogane's toast, and the world gets to live on another day! So why the soppy face?

The way you ask that implies to me you know EXACTLY why I'm crying. Don't toy with me; now is not the time for your sick ideas of jokes...!

Yeah...Yeah, I figured...I heard about what happened.

*Kokichi runs his fingers across the desk.

Rantaro is permanently dead with no hope of being resurrected...Himiko is stuck as a mechanical-humanoid puppet and has to live out the rest of her life like that...and Tenko's such self-loathing moron that she ran away with her hair twirls between her legs...

That is three additional piles of shitness on top of everything else that you don't deserve to be burdened with.

It's nothing I can't handle...or at least...nothing I can't handle if I sit on it for a bit...

Aw, poor Shuichi...He's doing a ME!

Wh-What? Doing a...What?

What I always do to stay upbeat, positive, and strong in the face of adversity:

Lie to myself and say that everything is gonna be okay, even though I know it's not.

I told you I don't want to hear it! Rrgh!

Okay, I'll shut up now! Promise!

...*sigh*

Kokichi...This is probably a really stupid question that you're gonna get mad at me for, but I have to ask...

Do you think...mngh...Do you think it would have been better for everyone if we'd returned to the universe we came from?

...Why are you asking this...?

Lately, I've had a lot of thoughts on my mind, but throughout all of them, just one as been really prevalent. And that's the thought that no matter what I do, or how much I think I've done, our existence in this world only makes things worse...

This world was perfectly safe and peaceful until WE showed up...! The Future Foundation had everything covered, but the moment we arrived here...The moment Uchui dragged us into this world and out of our own...THAT'S when things started to go wrong.

So...I've been stuck thinking lately that maybe I'm the problem. That our arrival here was some kind of mistake, and now...now I've just let Shirogane go free! I know as much as Uchui wants to believe it that she's gone for good, but I KNOW she's not dead!

She's still out there, and she's going to hurt so many more people! And because I didn't kill her when I had the chance-!

[ramontism]

Self insert oc dropped aw fucks Nawh 🥶🥶👾 (ramblin below wawa I thought of shit for this guy n wanna talk bout it)

HEYYY THESE ARE ALL OUTDATED AS FUCKKKKKK BTW ILL DROP NEW ONES SOON

hes supposed to be a fourth prime asset what the FUCK.

• does NOT fw coyle, prolly tries to piss him off at every chance he can get

• vocal stims off barbi’s accent (HE FUCKING LOVES BARBI). He even goes as far as ALSO saying mommy.., but he only uses it on Franco. Wonder why

• could fly u off of the ground and drop you from really high up.

• yea he BITES

• again with copying Franco, he likes to fill bottles with blood and chug em

• he/it/any?

• him n barbi got shit goin on

• this bitch talks a lot gah damn

• vaaaaaamp gang

• his full name is Ro Salapup

• voice claim would probably be pearl houzuki, if she yknow, spoke English and sounded like barbi

• I think him n barbi might of known eachother since they were both like idk 10 (stupid ass ideas the comics give me)

•Easterman refers to him as “wanna-be bambino”

•YES HES ALLOWED TO USE LUPARA WHENEVER HE WANTS TO

•”the bat that idolizes a baby”

This all I got so far ill add more later

[revenantghost]

[20 Question Fic Writer Game]

Tagged by @faindri and @pancake-breakfast!

How many works do you have on AO3?

18! Most are poetry collections, so a lot of smaller stories in one anthology.

What is your AO3 word count?

75,144

What fandoms do you write for?

Trigun is my main squeeze atm (and biggest in general, I have four projects for it which is double anything else--and the highest wordcount, too), but I've written for KinnPorsche, Sabikui Bisco, Danny Phantom, Vampire In The Garden, Sasaki to Miyano, Cyberpunk: Edgerunners, Goncharov (yeah... yeah), The Night Beyond the Tricornered Window, Signalis, Omori, Lycoris Recoil, and The Executioner and Her Way of Life

What are your top five fics by kudos?

No idea and I ain't looking! Trad publishing has me extremely scarred from some nasty comparison wars, so I have kudo and view counts blocked on ALL fics, including mine. From my kudos emails, though, Hallowboned has to be my top fic for sure. Last time I was paying attention most of my other fics didn't pass into triple digits by a long shot

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I do!!! I adore comments, and I love chatting with folks, it really keeps me motivated and chugging along. I am... very behind on replying to the comments on my last chapter rn because I feel so awful and guilty about having to quit writing

What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Uh... I don't write a ton of narrative fics, and I do love me some tragic poetry, but I guess the angstiest collection might be my Signalis one, Observable System Transcendence? But my Omori poem and the Trined Soul collection might be contenders, too

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I mean, Trembling Hands is a Trimax fix-it fic, so? Though the Sasaki and Miyano collection, Effortless Dreams, is definitely the most tooth-rotting fluff I've ever slapped onto the page

Do you get hate on fics?

Oh yeah, I've had my poetry called pretentious and also not good enough to be poetry lol. It's been a hot minute since that's happened, people are just jerks sometimes

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

I used to! Porn with plot, my beloved. It would be interesting to explore in poetry format, but we'll see if I have the time who wants to commission some poetry porn from me lmao

Do you write crossovers?

Nah, not my cuppa

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Yeah, many moons ago

Have you ever had a fic translated?

No, but that is one of the coolest things fandom does. Loving a thing so much you spend the time to painstakingly transform that art into something you can read and share in another language, bro??? Translators are amazing

Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

I've worked pretty closely with artists a loooong time ago, but I've only written fics where I'm the sole writer. I have used other writers' ideas and outlines (with their permission, of course), but that's the closest

What's your all-time favourite ship?

I DON'T KNOW?!?! Shipping has never really been my main focus of media typically, but when one digs its teeth into me I go rabid in a completely feral but different way each time.

What's a WIP you'd like to finish but doubt you ever will?

))): All of them

Life feels kinda... really dire atm, it's hard to see ever writing again. However! God I want to finish Hallowboned SO BADLY!!! I have so many chapters written for it that I haven't even posted!!!!! Y'all haven't met Livio yet!!!!!! GAH 3:

What are your writing strengths?

Uh... ??? I'll be real, I've got no idea. I feel like I write so weirdly atm, it's hard for me to analyze in that kinda way

What are your writing weaknesses?

I tend to get really excited/into things and flit around and forget to explain or describe things sometimes. Thank god for having been well-trained to edit my own work. Not that I catch it all, but I try!!!

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I think it'd really cool, but I'd need a native speaker on hand to make sure I don't fuck it up in my own fic

First fandom you wrote for?

I think my first piece of written fanwork was a Danny Phantom Quizilla thing lmao, I'm old. I don't remember what it was about, just that it was ANGSTY

Favourite fic you've ever written?

Ah?!?! Honestly, each project is so different and written from such a different place, I've got no idea. I'm proudest of Observable System Transcendence being my longest, most consistent project (outside of my Smaugust collection, which isn't a fan project), Hallowboned being the first thing that really inspired me in ages--and the most indulgent one lol. But each collection and fic and poem comes from such a different place, and it's hard to pull them apart and pick???

Tagging:

Whoever wants to hop in! :3

[blogofloathing]

Part 1 of ?! Gregory C And The Food Expediancy

Slimy wriggling little bugger, that's what the folks up there would call me surely, Gregory thought.

As the–quite aptly described—slimy wriggling little bugger, slinked through the S.I.T steam tunnels.

I'm safe here, he thought, no one came down here anyway, no one would be around to look at me.

The wet eyed fellow was indeed a sight to behold, teeth like broken glass and a pockmarked face.

Though none of which would be of concern to any passersby, Gregory's face hidden primarily by leagues of dripping hair, like seaweed on his head.

His unfortunate complexion further under mystery by the trenchcoat and gloves he'd bummed out of the trash, no one could know, they would hate him

There was no more certain a thing than that, if anyone knew what he was, he would be shunned.

An outcast among outcasts thrown in the fryer.

Taking a moment to regroup his wandering train of thought, Gregory reminded himself of his mission.

Buy the food, don't draw attention, get out, the less than smooth to say mantra kept him calm

Somewhat at least, his nerves were still on high alert, scoping out for predators between the kelp.

Gah, between the grass, this was land, no ocean talk Gregory, he scolded himself in a harsh tone.

If he wanted to fit in he'd have to nix all of that fishy lingo, this world was harsh to outsiders.

He knew that for a fact, having nearly never interacted with a human, their eyes seemed to gouge chunks from his flesh with a hooked stare.

Gregory never wanted anyone to look at his body ever again, he sometimes liked to imagine he was simply a floating head, gliding across the earth.

The idea of someone, looking, seeing, or even.. touching him, it made his scaly flesh prickle Iridly.

Everywhere he felt the hands, imprinted on his skin like a tattoo, no matter how hard he scrubbed there they laid, as if they'd been branded onto him.

He hated to think about, them, the men, strong hands and scary words, that was why I must remain here, thought Gregory, safe from them.

This spiral of despair was shockingly interrupted by a high pitched *SQUEAK* right beside him.

It seemed a mouse had made its home here in these halls just as Gregory, he envied the squeaker

Small enough to go unnoticed, skilled enough to carve out its own living, this rodent held a score in a power of ten above Gregory's

The mouse however, didn't hear his thoughts, as one can expect, and likely wouldn't have gotten it if it could, it simply squeaked again.

Pointing right towards its stomach in an animated fashion, "you, want cheese..?" The fish boy asked, croaking with unused vocal cords readjusting to speech, it wasn't often he spoke aloud.

Instead of suddenly being able to speak perfect English, it just continued pointedly gesturing.

Gregory sighed, the exhale making his gills flutter and squelch wetly, another gross difference.

Not having any cheese, he wished he could explain that to his new little friend, "I'm sorry.. I don't.."

This equally hungry fellow reminded Gregory of his original goal, that's right, go to the resturant.

Sorry, he thought, striding beloft the rat, leaving it looking mildly dejected to go back into the wall.

Gregory took care to avoid the scattered rocks and loose nails across the floor, certainly a downside of this area being so semi permanently deserted..

The halls of these steam tunnels were littered with old rusted doors, most of them being locked.

He walked past several, bellowing the hum of large machinery or hushed words between people.

A door to the freezer, whirring audible blizzards, and in contrast the low fwoom of a boiler hissed.

A padlocked door, said lock rattling in an alarming manner, the growls of some awful beast behest it.

A door with the label scratched off, hearing loud, strange zaps, and mechanical raggling, he swiftly moved past, finally reaching his desired entrance.

Mentally readying himself, stood before the door with an unhelpful skull and crossbones stenciled across the top, nearly intimidating him to leave.

But no, this was where he'd get what would likely be his only meal that day, his stomach growled.

A low and rumbling refrain against his own fears.

Part 1 of END, Part 2 Coming Soon, The Fishy Adventures Of Gregory Chisholm Will Continue!

[safetycar-restart]

Alright bestie, let’s have some 💧💧 for Marcus:

Im thinking he has a shy bladder? And also maybe a previous dom who didn’t care about his boundaries or feelings? So you want to try holding in public, and he’s really uncomfortable with that (because he won’t be able to use a public toilet if he safewords) but he’s afraid you will ridicule him, so he goes along with it. You both go to a cafe and get him an extra large coffee and you make sure he drinks the whole thing, then go walk around a park. He’s getting really full and squirmy, whimpering from how badly he needs to go. He’s super anxious about wetting himself in public, and really uncomfortable, but too afraid to say anything. Eventually his tummy starts to get swollen and distended from how full his bladder is, and it’s really starting to hurt, but he’s too scared to tell you…I’ll let you take it from there…

GAH THIS IS SO GOOD BUT SO ANGSTY WHY MUST YOU DO THIS TO ME (just kidding please continue to do this to me I love this)

Firstly, Marcus genuinely loves watersports. He enjoys it so much, loves the desperation and the feeling he gets when he just can't hold on anymore. And he loves to watched while he struggles, loves to have someone else to clean him up and comfort him when it's over, someone whose arms he can crawl into once he's cleaned up.

So he's so excited when you say you're into watersports, and he can't wait to try it with you. You're much more attentive than his previous dom was, and so he has no doubt that watersports will be even better with you.

He's imagining spending a day at home with you, getting more and more desperate as the day goes by until eventually he's leaking on your lap, crying and begging for permission and ending up sprinting to the shower were he absolutely soaks himself. And then he gets endless cuddles and praise.

But then he'd discussing it with you and your first suggestion is that you two go out together and he isn't allowed to use the bathroom until you get home. It's just one of many suggestions, and if he said no then you would have just moved on to another idea without a second thought.

Except that's not what Marcus's previous dom was like. His old dom would always be very specific about their wants and was never willing to compromise. He learned he always had to agree to the first suggestion, as that was what his dom really wanted.

So he said yes. Even though he knew he didnt want it, he agreed to it and you set a time and place.

He regrets it the moment he starts to get desperate. He wants to go home immediately, wants to sit on the couch with you and hide in your arms and play video games until he can't hold it, where he's safe in his own home. But he can't, because that would make you unhappy.

(It wouldn't of course, but that doesn't matter, he doesn't know that)

You watch a movie in theatres with him and then head to lunch. By the time he reaches the restaurant, it's getting bad. If he was home, he would be able to wait a fair while. But he's not home and he's so scared of wetting himself and he hates public toilets at the best of times.

You, meanwhile, have noticed his distress but think it's because he's getting desperate, which is the entire point of this so you don't say anything.

He's gotten himself in an awful situation now, because even if he safe words out, he doesn't know if he can make himself go at the restaurant bathroom even though he's so desperate and doesn't want to wet himself.

You ask for his colour again, because he's not acting like he usually does when desperate, and he takes a bit too long to answer for your liking. So you ask if he's okay, if he wants to end this, if he wants go go home.

He looks up at you and you see tears in his eyes. Instantly you're calling the waiter and asking for the bill. You don't care the food is only half eaten and that Marcus technically hasn't safe worded yet. You are ending this right now.

You tell him he can go to the bathroom if he wants, that you won't be upset.

But to your surprise he shakes his head and says no, he cant. That's when you realise he has a shy bladder. Your break breaks for him, feeling like you've failed him as a dom because you didnt realise his discomfort earlier.

Later, once he's back home and safe and feeling okay, you'll ask him why he didnt tell you that originally and work out how to make sure this never happens again. But for now your main priority is making sure Marcus is alright.

You ask Marcus if he can make the drive home, and he doesn't know.

Well, he does. Logically he knows from experience that he should be able to hold it until you get home quite easily. But he's panicking and not thinking straight and he just wants this to be over.

You end up going into the family bathroom with him, locking the door behind the two of you and hugging him from behind, taking his cock out for him and letting him lean back against you. He's able to let go then, focusing on the warm of your chest against his back.

And then it's right home with him and tomorrow you'll have the discussion that needs to be had.

Mostly, Marcus feels so guilty because you treated him so well. You helped him every step of the way and weren't even a little disappointed. He realises then that he could have been honest from the start and he could have had an amazing watersports scene with you in the safety of home but instead he forced himself to try your very first suggestion and ruined the whole day.

It's a tough lesson, but he won't make the same mistake twice.

[isaacathom]

ds9 time, s2e14 and e15

welcome to, what, the second of three obrien eps? in a row? my guys having the time of his life (negative)

now based on premise i will specifically have a bad time but lets see how we go.

why'd the camera start so fucking close to his face. why you gotta be like that. 'set the record state about the last 52 hours' OH IN MEDIAS RES???? OH IN MEDIAS RES????? well shit. fuck. hell yeah? hell yeah. this is gonna be an interesting one then.

now the thing is. it sucks that it has to start with keiko. bc as i keep hammering. the two of them get so few opportunities to just, be a couple? without a plot problem? even if it makes sense that keiko acting weird would be obrien's first 'wait. what?' moment

i like that, at this early stage, keiko is the only one being EXTREMELY suspicious, while everyone else seems to be like. plausibly off. the engineering crews early, but they're on siskos orders, and sisko seems as genial as ever. the only bit that sounded off was when he said he was talking to keiko about jake's grades, but obrien buys it completely, and even then it doesnt sound that far off.

"its not doctors i have a problem with [in unison] its you julian" i love you two so much

ohp there we go, there's the sign sisko's lying.

oh he keeps being sneaky babyyyyy i love that for him

keiko really is an awful liar and thats kind of sweet, in its own way

the fact that bashir going 'hows the sex life' is setup is absolute fucking chaos to me. i dont even know if bashir knows shit. i have no idea what my boy knows. i know keiko, sisko, and kira know SOMETHING, i dont know if Bashir knows (i assume he does? or at least enough to not question an order to take as long as possible with the physical)

see im sitting here going Is That Shit Poisoned. Is That Shit Fucked. How Fucked Is This. How in danger am i, the nausea bitch, in this situation. okay obrien agrees with me, hell yeah bro

the CLOSE UPS. THE TEEEEENSIIIIIOOOOOOON. gah fuck.

the montage of him listening to the logs, i adore it

man just shows up, hits a button, walks off, because literally noone will question why the fuck hes in the bridge

oh hey odo IS in this episode. exceptional. was worried for a minute. but hes not in the framing sequence runabout so ? but he seems on side so.

quark's just like? bro i was trying to make friendly conversation. the fuck are you on about.

ohp odos not on side anymore ohohohooooOOOOOO AND THERES SISKO WITH THE STEEL CHAIRRRRR i mean uh

MY MANS GOT A STUN GRENADE AND A GUN YES

YES

THE TIGER IS FREE

ooh i like that, thats a cute trick. love my tech man.

everybody? like every everybody? then again i guess like, sisko pre-emptively coulda told rollman, just like obrien said he might do to odo.

they've specified this coffee type way too many times. whats up with that. should i be aware of something re: the coffee. i dont watch regularly enough to remember obriens coffee order.

man the compute-

WHY THE FUCK ARE THERE TWO OF THEM? WHY ARE THERE TWO OF THEM? OOOOOOOH so it was OBRIEN that was off, thats cute! thats so cute!

oh i really like that actually. thats a really cute twist. i love that. OOOHHH THAT RULES. THAT RULES. I LOVE THAT.

genuinely really good. i like that a lot. the coffee thing was definitely something though, right, like 100%.

s2e15 time, lets go, its obrien again. 3/3 on obriens.

this convos real sweet! i love learning about obrien.

oh hell yea. bow time.

tech mans about to learn a valuable lesson in 'there is tech thats isn't electric'

that actress, alixus? she looks extremely familiar. joseph also looks familiar but in a way i can chalk to being like, generic nice older man. im gonna check both of these though. nope, nevermind, dont know her. BUT JOSEPH IS THE VOICE OF PUFFIN FROM SWAN PRINCESS????? WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE FUVK? what the fuck.

i know its early days but this episode is not doing anything for me at this stage.

oh that one woman really wants to leave huh

okay so the plot is gonna be that this woman is gonna try and force them to stay, isn't it.

oh yea im bang on thats 100% what this plots gonna be. she's pulling some shit tm. either she's the reason the EM fails or she sabotaged the original ship. or maybe theres a twist here. who knows. the vibes arent great.

yeah cult vibes. cult vibes. like, im not strictly saying shes wrong. sometimes people do need to be off their phones (i say, blogging my entire experience of shows and books and movies). but like. ? somehow i dont think the SciFi Show is going to be coming down especially sympathetic.

'primitive' yikes

something about the fact alixus immediately went to calling them Miles and Ben feels significant

she's giving cult energy lads. like, she has a point, that in the absence of electrical technology reliance on herbal remedy is medicine, does save lives, but to prevent a tech guy from trying to do his tech shit? like you can do two things at once. you can have people scour the forest for fungi and you can let the bastard play with his computers for a bit. just get him to help you like, cook or smth. give him a basic chore so he still 'pulls his weight'. you can compromise to let him try until he's satisfied himself that he's done everything he can. you can hardly except obrien and sisko to snap to the pastoral lifestyle in 2 seconds when you've had 10 years and were also clearly on that Vibe long before.

'the ship is travelling at warp 2' at. warp 2? it was in synchronous orbit? synchronous orbit is impulse, is my usual understanding. and that certainly wouldn't send it hurtling off, it shouldn't fucking slingshot out. unless duonetic does shit? i feel like obrien would've said if it did. im gonna read full malice into alixus now, her or joseph, someones pulling shit.

obrien reminiscing about keiko is really sweet.

oh yeah normal behaviour chuck the cunt in a metal box small enough to give me grief, excellent fucking shit, for fucks sake. what the fuck. torture??? torture??? bro. bro.

for a woman in deep on political theory you think she'd know about deterrence theory and shit. about how like... harsh punishment for crime does not necessarily deter crime if the need is severe enough, which is why the correct method of combatting crime is to address the reasons why is it does (in this instance, more fairly apportion your limited supply of fucking candles)

fellas, im gonna say it, sisko is an attractive man. im just putting it out there.

its sort of neat that alixus only has the idea to do this, SPECIFICALLY to sisko, BECAUSE sisko had previously made a point of mentioning that obrien was married, not him. thats sort of a neat bit. cause she mightve tried it on obrien, who wouldve just gone haha no im married please leave, but no. sisko, because she knows he isnt married. if he'd answered about womens fashion that might've even dissuaded her from the idea altogether.

oh hey siskos making the same point as me. exceptional. so the episode is just being blunt, then.

'core identity' cult behaviour! cult behaviour!

'of course all you have to do is ask' gross

i love this kira and dax bit, this is cute

'they continue to reject us' it took yall years and youre pissy about a week. eat shit. fuck off. i hate you

hey man id really recommend not wearing those like 3 layers when you go into the cook box

this ep is so blunt man.

i do really like this conversation with Miles and Joseph where Joseph knows exactly what Miles is trying to do. i think its really neat. its such a cute little bit. 'i can do it so it wont hurt at all' giving Joseph an out. so good.

i cant believe i was right on BOTH counts, fuck me running.

i like that the guy who was previously in the box is the one who gets sisko water, cute.

and then just two kids stare at a box, okay??? i hated that. i did not like that at all.

i didnt like that. cannot explain it. i guess my bit is that the episode doesnt do enough to convince me that she DID build a community, and not just a cult or something (which, i guess definitionally that is a community, but, yknow??) like. i just. no? i feel like i mightve been kinder if one or more of the people had chosen to leave, to see the truth and to make an informed choice, but instead joseph just speaks for everybody and thats it. not enough done to establish to me that she was right. eugh.

thats me for the night but like. aya. land of contrasts

[msfbgraves]

Tag Game

Got tagged by @amorphousgenderlesscryptid and @puella-peanut in two tag games with some overlapping questions, so I am sharing the two. Thank you and excuse the delay; the reasons I take very long to answer tag games is that I almost exclusively use Tumblr on mobile and that isn't ideal for things like this. But I enjoy them so I've started up the laptop!

First ever ship: I was so conventional when I first started shipping at thirteen or so. I took the ships that were given me and what fodder the magazines would give me to indulge them with. I never even considered alternatives, honestly, we had dial-up internet that was hella expensive to use, what was I going to do, read fanfic and explain the bill? Yeah, no. So my first ship was: Romeo & Juliet, from the Baz Luhrmann movie. "My only love sprung from my only hate", gah, in English I did not understand even with the subtitles, which I also didn't understand, it was deliciously complicated, which I had no idea would become something I am attracted to.

Last song: It's All Coming Back to Me Now, Celine Dion

Last film: Knives Out, to better appreciate the Glass Onion on my dash. Good film that took an hour to get interesting to me, so if not for Tumblr, I would have stopped. That one's on you.

Currently watching: I'd watch Slow Horses series 2, if getting a better vpn to pirate with wasn't still on my to do list.

Currently consuming: Tea, I think it is ceylon?

Currently craving: I just ate, so not food, though, very deep, direction in my life.

Currently reading: A backlog of so many Saturday editions of De Volkskrant newspaper. You do learn new things, although why people need a 5 page article to come to the conclusion that young people without prospects, going to underfunded schools, living in bad houses and getting discriminated every time they are trying to get out of these conditions are gasp more prone to radicalisation and the violence that comes with it is, I mean - sometimes I really feel that people are emotional morons. How is this possibly news. Everyone who cares even a little must sense this, if they haven't yet had it confirmed? The Science page is cool though, if hard for me to get through, I understand so little of it. Also the book tips.

3 ships

Cherik

Underrated little thing I love about sweet Cherik: they're so European! I can lampoon all my German and British relatives through them, indulge writing a little German that is critically not about Germany (because I do not live there, actually). Why are there no Dutch mutants, though. Really why. I need to write somebody from either the Holland region who feels right at home with the supposedly rude New Yorkers or someone from Twente who is critically out of their depth in America and curls up with Kurt to watch football although Kurt is German and that has some trauma attached but at least they know at what time you are supposed to serve coffee, and not that Starbucks stuff. (Which is not to say many people from Twente would not love city life. Yet, people who stay to make a life in Twente often do so because metropolitan life is the antithesis of what they value and enjoy).

Silverusso

I started 2022 with the words "Hold up, new fucked up ship just dropped!" It has been a ride, and it introduced me to the potentially even more fucked up - though I do hope for everyone involved never actually realised! - 'ship' that is Cuba and his Teddy Bear. But oh, Terry. I am just so incredibly in awe of how he came to Cobra Kai and made everything about it fit him. If you know how much of the OG cast struggles with the writers' takes on the material, and not only did Thomas make the evolution of Terry from TKK3 to Cobra Kai seamless, Silverusso gives Cobra Kai, and especially Daniel in Cobra Kai, the hook to even make sense: Daniel/Amanda, Daniel's visceral reaction to Cobra Kai, Daniel's darker side (always on display), and of course Ralph has played that since the beginning but you need a knowledge of Terry to completely see what they have been building up to. And then of course the rapport between the Cobra Husbands, giving Marty a new angle as Kreese. Thank you, thank you Sir!

Gradence

Can be this:

Or this:

Even murkier than Silverusso when I want darkness and messed up dynamics, but gives you licence to go adorable with them without the danger of oocness because you have complete freedom to decide who the character of Percival Graves actually is. The only one we spend time with in the movie, after all, is his impersonator. Also, no new canon to mess things up anymore, which is great for me as I lack the ability to ignore canon. It always has to come back into my fic some way, which is very bothersome when, again, the canon writers do not actually care about anything but status and money.

[psmd-lingering-shadows]

Part 3: Into The Foreboding Forest

…

“Nozomi?”

…

“Nozomi, please wake up.”

…

“Nozomi!”

“…?!”

I quickly jolted my head up and frantically looked around until my eyes landed on Miss Audino. I stared at her with a confused expression, wondering what was going on.

“You fell asleep during the last few minutes of class. I would have woken you up earlier, but the bell was about to ring, so I just let you be,” she explained.

I fell asleep?! I didn’t even realize! Aw, nuts…I figured it would happen eventually because of my sleeping troubles, but I didn’t want it to happen in her class…

I gave her an apologetic expression, only for her to respond by shaking her head.

“Oh, there’s no need to apologize. If I’m being quite honest, you looked like you needed it,” she said with a grin.

I gave her a small smile and thanked her for being so understanding, even though I still kinda felt bad about it. Then I turned and looked back, realizing that I was the only student left.

Miss Audino saw me looking back and spoke again with an awkward chuckle. “Oh, yes…I might have let you sleep for a little while longer after the bell rang. I spent that time getting this for you.”

“…?”

After she said that, she revealed a cup of juice from behind her back. I looked at it with a confused expression, briefly wondering what type of juice it was and why she’d go out of her way to get it for me. That’s when I noticed the purple color and the aroma it had.

…Wait. This is-!

“Mm-hmm. It’s a cup of Chesto Juice. I asked Mr. Farfetch’d if he could run down to the cafe and get it for you.”

I excitedly sat up when she told me what it was and stared at the cup, eagerly waiting for her to hand it over. Miss Audino giggled at my reaction before giving it to me.

“Here you go, dear. It’s all yours,” she said.

I thanked her once more, took the cup from her, and quickly chugged the Chesto Juice down. Within seconds, I could feel my body regaining energy, and the drowsiness that was plaguing my body vanished. My mind felt a lot clearer, too. I sighed in satisfaction and smiled happily. Oh, yeah. I felt soooo much better.

Miss Audino noticed that I was in much better spirits and gave me a warm smile. “Oh, what a relief. I’m glad to see that you’re back to your usual self. I was pretty concerned about you during class, you know?”

Wait, she was concerned about me? Does that mean…?

As if she knew what I was thinking, she nodded. “Yep. I didn’t buy it when you told me that you were feeling fine this morning. I just knew that something was wrong. I am a nurse, after all.~”

Gah, that’s right! If she’s a nurse, then I guess she’d be more observant of this type of stuff, wouldn’t she?

I mentally facepalmed and awkwardly scratched the back of my head for being caught in such a blatant lie. I was about to apologize for fibbing, but then I noticed that Miss Audino’s expression had shifted into a serious one.

“Um, while we’re on the subject…” she started.

Noting her sudden shift in mood, I looked at her with a neutral expression and waited for her to finish her sentence.

“…Why were you so tired this morning, anyway? You didn’t stay up too late last night, did you?” she asked.

I shook my head, causing her to tilt her head in confusion. “No…? Did you have troubling sleeping, then? Or did you have trouble staying asleep?” she asked.

Once again, I shook my head at both of her questions. The truth was, I had an idea as to why I felt so tired today. It had to be because of that dream I had. Although, I was kinda hesitant to call it a dream. After all, it felt so…real. I don’t think I’ve ever had a dream that was so vivid before. I don’t know for sure if that’s what caused it or even how it would be able to cause it, but I just can’t shake the feeling that it somehow has something to do with it.

“…Is that right? Hmm…” Miss Audino stared at me for a few more seconds, trying to think of a possible cause to my exhaustion. However, it seemed like she couldn’t think of anything, because she ended up closing her eyes and sighing.

“I see…That’s pretty strange…and a little worrying,” she said with a concerned expression on her face.

“…”

As soon as those words left her mouth and I saw her expression, I couldn’t help but frown. Don’t get me wrong - I appreciated her for being concerned about me, but at the same time, I kinda…didn’t want her to. It…made me feel guilty. I mean, just look at Pops. When we talked about it yesterday and this morning, it ended up stressing him out a lot. Well, of course it would - I am his daughter, but still…I just don’t want other Pokémon to worry about me so much…

After all, I…I’m not someone who’s worth stressing over…

Miss Audino noticed me frowning and quickly shook her head. “O-oh, there’s no need to worry! I’m sure it’s nothing serious. I’m just confused as to why it’s happening. …Er, this is the first time it’s happened to you, right?” she asked.

I nodded my head. Technically, that was a lie. I’ve woken up feeling just as bad for the past few weeks, but this is the first time I’ve had a weird dream to go along with it.

“Hmm…okay, then. Like I said before, I don’t think it’s anything to worry about. It was probably just a one-time thing. But, if it does happen again, please don’t hesitate to come to me, alright?” she asked.

…!

“If it happens again, please don’t hesitate to come to me.”

…

“Very well. I’ll choose to believe your words for the time being. But…if you have any sort of problem, you had better talk to me about it like you promised you would, understood?”

…Again. That guilty feeling washed over me again.

I just couldn’t help it. Yesterday, when Pops brought up my sleeping issues, I told him that I would tell him if something else happened to me, and now, Miss Audino is asking me to do the same with her. It just…bothered me. I know it shouldn’t - it meant she cared about me and just wanted to help. But it did. Having other Pokémon worry over me like this. It felt…wrong. After all, to everyone else, I was nothing but a troublemaker, right? I did nothing but cause trouble for others, even when I didn’t mean to. So, why?

Why would anyone ever be concerned about someone as bothersome as me?

“…Nozomi?”

“…!”

Realizing that I had stayed quiet for a while, I quickly looked at Miss Audino, who was staring at me with the same concerned expression from earlier.

“You looked like you had zoned out for a moment. Are you sure you’re alright? Do you still feel tired?” she asked.

I shook my head at her, then told her that if I felt like this in the future, I’d tell her.

…It was the third lie that I told her today.

Miss Audino smiled at my reply gave a satisfied hum. “Good. That’s all I needed to hear. I wouldn’t want you walking around the village while you’re still half-asleep, you know?” she said with a chuckle. I chuckled as well, hoping that she wouldn’t catch on to how guilty I felt in that moment.

After that, she looked around for a moment before letting out a gasp, causing me to look at her in confusion.

“Oh, dear! That’s right! School’s already been let out! I didn’t mean to keep you here for so long!”

…!

Oh, she’s right! School was already over. I had kinda forgotten about that…

She turned back to me and gave me a sheepish smile. “I’m so sorry, Nozomi. We were talking for so long, I ended up losing track of time. If you’re ready to leave, then you can head out right now.” she said as she pointed to the exit.

I nodded at her and stood up from my seat. Then I headed down the slope and walked past the school gate.

“Take care! I’ll see you tomorrow!” Miss Audino shouted.

I looked back at her and gave her a small smile before I finally left. While I was walking on the path to the village, I thought more about our conversation - more specifically, about the fact the I ended up lying to her about my situation. A part of me was upset with myself for constantly lying about it, but it was for the best. I didn’t wanna inconvenience her with my problems. Besides, if I’m right about this, I already have an idea as to why this was happening. Like I mentioned earlier, that weird dream seems to have something to do with this. I have no proof - that’s just the feeling I have. Hmm…I wonder if I’ll have the same dream tonight? If if do, maybe I could get some answers. Maybe I could try talking to that creepy voice, see if it knows anything.

…Now that I mention it, I haven’t mentioned my dream to Pops yet. Should I tell him…?

Yeah…I guess I should. Even if I didn’t want him to worry, he is my dad. He has a right to know. And besides, unlike with Miss Audino, I did promise that I would.

Before I realized it, I had arrived in the plaza. I stopped and looked around in surprise. The walk from school to Serene Village seemed a lot shorter for some reason. Maybe it was because I was wrapped up in my own thoughts.

Anyway, I stood there for a moment, wondering what to do next. I had all this time to kill, and it would be a waste to just go home now…

…Oh, wait!

Pops said that he would be home early today, didn’t he? He said that we would eat dinner together!

I smiled excitedly at the idea of actually being able to spend some time with him. We haven’t spent some quality time together for a while. Even if it was something as simple as eating dinner with each other, it was still enough to make me happy.

With a wide smile still on my face, I started running towards the direction of my house, eager to see Pops and fill myself up with delicious food. Aw, man! This is gonna be great-

…Huh?

I suddenly stopped in my tracks when I noticed something odd in the corner of my eye. I turned to my left and saw Deerling and Shelmet together. They were having a conversation, and it looked like they were both upset about something. I slowly walked closer towards them until I could hear what they were both saying.

“…What?! Goomy did?!” Deerling asked with a look of shock on her face.

“Yeah, well, he insisted on going-“ Shelmet said before Deerling quickly cut him off.

“No more excuses, Shelmet!” Deerling shouted, clearly angry at him. “Tell me the truth! You and Pancham pushed him into this, didn’t you?”

When I heard Deerling say that, I couldn’t help but frown in concern. Of course, I don’t have all the details yet, but from what I’ve heard so far, it seems like Pancham and Shelmet goaded Goomy into doing some crazy dare. If that’s actually what happened, then I wouldn’t be surprised. Though it’s not as bad as when they pick on me, Pancham and Shelmet also tend to mess with Goomy from time to time. They usually do so by riling him up into doing something reckless so he can prove himself to them. And it always ends the same way - with Goomy getting into some sort of trouble and needing someone else - usually Deerling - to bail him out. But still, even though they don’t mess with him as much, it’s still upsetting whenever they do. After all, Goomy is younger than us, so the heckling is going to get him more than it would me. Thankfully, Deerling’s usually around to make sure things never gets out of hand. But it looks like she wasn’t able to keep things from escalating this time…

Shelmet nervously squirmed for a bit before speaking again. “Th-that’s…not fair, Deerling! He’s the one who said he wanted to go! How can you stand there and blame us?”

“Quite easily. You’re the ones who are always teasing poor Goomy, after all! Someday you’re going to go too far, and it’ll be too late for sorries then!” Deerling replied in a stern tone.

Shelmet let out a small gulp. “I-I know that! No need to worry so much!”

“You’re going to show me the way there. Right now,” Deerling commanded, her intense expression never leaving her face.

Shelmet hastily complied and with a defeated sigh, led Deerling to wherever they left Goomy.

Huh…so it looks like I was right, after all. I shook my head as an annoyed sigh left my beak. Darn it, you two…don’t you have anything better to do than pick on a little kid? You can be so irritating sometimes…

…Though I guess I don’t have a lot of room to talk, do I?

…

Well, whatever.

After hearing all of that, I can’t just sit back and do nothing. I wanna help, too! I wanna make sure Goomy’s okay! And, from the way they were talking, it sounds like Goomy could have gone to a Mystery Dungeon. If that’s true, then I definitely want to go with them! Traversing through a Mystery Dungeon, battling against fierce Pokémon…it’s just an adventure waiting to happen!

…Ah, but would they even let me?

If I just barged in and said I wanted to help, Pancham and Shelmet would probably make fun of me and tell me I’d just get in the way. Even Deerling might try to stop me…As much as I don’t wanna admit it, I know that I don’t have the best relationship with my classmates. Even though I’ve tried my best to get closer to them, my reputation as “Serene Village’s Resident Troublemaker” makes it hard to make friends. Heck, I think the only other kid in the village who doesn’t mind being around me as much is Espurr…

B-but that doesn’t matter right now! I wanna help Goomy, so I’m gonna help Goomy! It doesn’t matter if they don’t want me around! I’m not going to sit here while he could be in trouble!

With a determined expression on my face, I nodded to myself and ran towards the village gate. Deerling and Shelmet shouldn’t have gone that far yet. I’ll follow both of them from a distance and see where they end up going…

A LITTLE BIT LATER…

Thankfully, the trip to where Goomy was didn’t take too long. Though, it would make sense that it wouldn’t. I doubt they would go anywhere too far from the village. As I kept tailing Deerling and Shelmet, I quickly looked around to see where we were. However, it only took me a few seconds to figure out where Goomy ended up going.

…The Foreboding Forest.

My eyes widened slightly as that realization sank in. Pops has constantly told me to stay away from this place, just like with most of the other Mystery Dungeons. Just like the name suggests, the dungeon is bad news. It’s an ominous, sinister forest with almost no light shining in it, meaning that it’s constantly dark. Combine that spooky atmosphere with the wild Pokémon crawling around in there, and you’re in for quite the experience…

It’s absolutely perfect! This is just the type of dungeon that I’d wanna go through!

…

…U-um, but that’s not important right now. Goomy’s safety is the top priority!

I continued lagging behind the two until they both reached the entrance to the forest. That’s when I saw Pancham standing there, tapping his foot impatiently. It looked like he had been waiting there for a while already. But once he saw Deerling and Shelmet approaching him, he widened his eyes in surprise.

“Huh? Shelmet? Why’d you bring Deerling here? I mean, I’m not complaining, but-“

“I made him lead me here. He told me about your stupid little dare,” Deerling said angrily, catching Pancham off guard. He quickly turned to Shelmet and gave him a angry glare.

“Dude, you told her?!” he asked.

“She forced it outta me! It’s not my fault!” Shelmet quickly replied.

Deerling ignored the two and looked around for a bit before realizing that Goomy was nowhere to be seen. She turned back to look at the boys and interrupted their bickering.

“…Where is he?”

Upon hearing this, Pancham and Shelmet both exchanged awkward glances before Pancham decided to speak up.

“Uh…still in the forest?”

Deerling couldn’t help but stare at him in shock in response to his answer. “What?! He still hasn’t come back out?”

Pancham nodded. “Yeah, that’s right. It’s been a pretty long time, too. I knew he was a total wimp,” he said with a smug smile on his face.

“No surprise there. He shoulda just admitted what a wimp he is and kept his mouth shut.” Shelmet added.

“But he had to go and talk big, like he could handle that kind of place. He was boasting, saying, ‘I’ll show you!’. That’s what got him into this mess.”

“He’s probably huddled up somewhere in the forest, petrified and sniffing back tears!”

The two boys both started laughing at their own insults towards Goomy, causing Deerling to become even more upset at them.

“You are so mean, Pancham! Goomy isn’t even the same age as us yet!” she shouted.

The two stopped laughing and looked at her again.

“Yeah, but he’s the one who talks big. He got what was coming to him. We figure it’s our job to teach him a little something about how harsh the world is,” Pancham replied.

“And if something happens to him in there? What are you going to do then, huh?” Deerling paused and looked at the two before shaking her head disapprovingly at them. “I’m going in after them!”

She tried heading into the Forboding Forest, but she was quickly stopped by Pancham and Shelmet, who had worried expressions on their faces.

“No way! You can’t go in there, Deerling!” Shelmet shouted.

“What if something happened to you? We can’t let that happen to our idol! We’re not letting you set foot in such a dangerous place!” Pancham said, agreeing with his friend.

Deerling backed up and looked at both of them in disbelief before groaning in frustration. “Are you kidding me? Then fine! You go in after him!”

When he heard what Deerling had said, Pancham froze. He stared at her awkwardly, hoping that she was somehow joking.

…She was dead serious.

When he realized that, he gulped and awkwardly repeated what she said.

“Y-you want us to go? Into the Foreboding Forest?”

He quickly glanced at the path that led deeper into the forest, then looked back at Deerling, who was still visibly angry.

“…No way. Why would we do that?”

…

…

…

I couldn’t help but sigh disappointingly at his answer. Typical Pancham. He talks a big game, but is never able to back it up.

Deerling, rather than say anything, just kept staring at him, her eyes full of a silent rage that I rarely see from her.

Pancham flinched at her death glare before shaking his head and trying to elaborate.

“I mean, it’s n-not that we’re scared or anything like that. I d-don’t want you getting the wrong idea or whatever. You understand, right?”

…Oh, brother. You were picking on Goomy for being scared earlier, but now you’re saying stuff like this? Ugh, whatever. I suppose now would be a good time to show myself.

I stepped away from the tree I was hiding behind and started walking towards the three. They all heard me approaching and quickly turned around to see what was making the noise.

“Hello?! Who’s there?” Deerling shouted, slightly startled.

I kept walking until I was clearly visible to all of them. When they saw me standing there, they stared at me with confused expressions.

“N-Nozomi?!” Deerling blurted out.

“What the heck are you doing here?!” Pancham asked.

Shelmet kept staring at me until he figured out what happened. “Wait…did you follow us?!” he asked.

Oof…looks like the Skitty’s out of the bag.

I nodded, causing Pancham to groan.

“Ugh, seriously?! We’re already in the middle of something here. We don’t need to deal with you, too!” he said, clearly annoyed just by the fact that I was here.

Deerling turned to Pancham and gave him another glare. “Knock it off, Pancham. You’re in no position to act like that,” she said.

Pancham crossed him arms and looked down with a grunt. “Hmph…”

Then she turned back to me with a confused expression. “But seriously, why did you follow us?” she asked.

…

“So you heard our conversation in the village and wanted to help Goomy…” Deerling summarized.

I nodded and told them that I was willing to go into the Foreboding Forest to look for him.

When I said that, Deerling gave me a concerned look. “A-are you sure? This is the Foreboding Forest we’re talking about. This place is pretty dangerous…you could get hurt if you’re not careful,” she warned me.

Pancham turned to her and scoffed. “Oh, please. It’s not like this is anything new for her. After all, she’s an expert at going into places she doesn’t belong,” he said mockingly.

…Well, he’s not wrong.

Deerling turned to Pancham and gave him yet another angry glare, instantly causing him to clam up. Heh, like I said, all bark and no bite.

It looked like Deerling was about to shout at him again, but as soon as she opened her mouth, she stopped herself and looked down as if she was thinking about something. Then she looked back up at Pancham and spoke.

“…Actually, Pancham, why don’t you tag along with Nozomi?”

Pancham and I both looked at her with a confused expression.

“Wait, what?!” we both shouted in unison.

“I’d be uncomfortable having Nozomi go into the Foreboding Forest all by herself. And you and Shelmet refuse to let me step even one foot in there. So the only other Pokémon who can go with her are you and Shelmet. So unless Shelmet wants to go instead…” she said as she turned to the Bug-Type Pokémon.

Shelmet tensed up and started to stammer. “Uh…well…I…”

“…I’ll take that as a no,” Deerling simply said, then turned back to Pancham. “Well, Pancham? You said you weren’t scared earlier, right? So it shouldn’t be a problen…right?” she said with a slightly smug smirk on her face.

Pancham glanced at me, then at the entrance to the forest, then back to Deerling. It looked like there was no talking his way out of this one…at least, not without hurting his precious ego. I had to hand it to Deerling…she got him good. She had him completely backed into a corner.

Pancham stayed quiet for a few more seconds until he let out a low growl and furrowed his brow. “F-fine! I’ll go with her! You happy now?” he asked.

Deerling nodded and let out a content hum. “Then I guess that’s settled! We’ll leave it to you two!” she said with a smile.

I couldn’t help but let out a sigh at the way things turned out. As cool as it was watching Deerling one-upping Pancham like that, in the end, it meant that I had to go through the Foreboding Forest with him. I know Deerling said she was worried about me going by myself, but I honestly would have preferred that than going with Pancham.

Pancham grumbled to himself for a bit before turning to me. “Hey, Nozomi! Listen up, ‘cause I’m only gonna say this once. Shelmet and I placed a big piece of paper in the forest for Goomy to find. It’s not that far from the entrance, which means that he shouldn’t have gone too far. The two of us are gonna find Goomy as quickly as possible and come straight back here. No wandering off, no taking any detours, and no staying in one place for too long, you got that?! We’re looking for Goomy, not going on one of your stupid ‘adventures!’”

“…”

I gave him a small glare before nodding at him. It’s not like he needed to tell me not to do that stuff. I’m not that irresponsible…am I?

Deerling looked at both of us, suddenly being reminded of the history we had with each other. Then she walked over to me with a small frown and started to whisper.

“Nozomi, are you sure you’re alright with this? I know I kind of forced Pancham to go with you, but I could always go instead. I know you two don’t get along that well, so I could always take his place. I doubt he’d try to stop me this time if I offered to…” she said.

I shook my head and declined her offer. Yeah, Pancham and I weren’t on the best of terms, but who knows? Maybe going through this dungeon together would bring us closer together!

…

…

…

…Yeah, probably not…That’s just wishful thinking on my part…

But even so, I still think Pancham should come with me. He’s the one who got Goomy into this mess, after all. It’s only fair that he helped look for him.

Deerling, despite still seeming a little worried, nodded and backed away from me. Then she faced the both me and Pancham. “Okay, then. If the both of you are ready, then hurry and head into the forest. Let’s try to find Goomy before it gets too dark,” she said.

I hummed to acknowledge what she said while Pancham just let out of “Hmph.”. Then he started walking towards the entrance of the Forbidden Forest.

“Let’s get this over with,” he simply said.

After he said that, I quickly followed behind him, marking the beginning of our quest to find Goomy. As we both walked deeper into the forest, we heard Deerling and Shelmet shouting at us to be careful and that they’ll be waiting for us. Hearing that caused me to smile a little, knowing that despite us not being all that close, they still cared enough about us to say something like that. Even Shelmet, who picks on me just as much as Pancham does. Though, maybe he was saying all that to just Pancham instead of both of us…Meh, it didn’t matter now.

…

…

…

When we both entered the first floor of the Forbidden Forest, I took a quick moment to look around. The place was even darker when you were actually inside of it. The tall trees managed to block most of the sunlight from shining down into the dungeon. Speaking of plants, all of the greenery was all dark and gloomy-looking. There wasn’t a single bright and vibrant plant anywhere to be seen. Yeesh, now that I’m experiencing it for myself, I can see why other Pokémon tend to avoid it like the plague…

“Hey, Nozomi!”

“…!”

I was pulled out of my thoughts by an annoyed-looking Pancham, who was tugging on my flipper.

“Come on, pick up the pace! We don’t have all day, you know,” he said.

Ugh…I can’t even look around without Pancham getting on my case. Maybe I should have let Deerling come with me, after all…

I simply nodded and walked closely behind him. Our plan was to head deeper into the forest until we eventually spotted Goomy. The farthest he should have gone was a little past the 4th floor, where Pancham and Shelmet set up the paper. So like Pancham said earlier, this shouldn’t take too long if we kept moving.

After a little bit of walking, Pancham started shouting for Goomy to see if he was around here somewhere.

“Hey, Goomy! Can you hear us?! It’s Pancham and Nozomi! We’re here to get you outta here!” he shouted while looking around for him.

…No response.

Pancham groaned. “…Didn’t think it would be that easy. He’s probably deeper in the forest. Come on. Let’s keep going,” he said.

The two of us kept looking around, trying to be as thorough as possible. As small as this floor was, it was easy to miss another Pokémon if you weren’t paying attention. The forest was covered in all sorts of thick greenery too, so that made it more difficult to clearly see everything around us. We would also occasionally run into some lower-level Pokémon that would try to attack us. We dealt with them easily enough, but they kinda slowed us down. With all of this extra stuff we had to deal with, finding Goomy quickly ended up becoming tedious. And we were still only on the first floor…

Eventually, Pancham groaned and kicked the ground in frustration.

“Ugh, we’ve searched every nook and cranny of this floor and we didn’t find him! Don’t tell me he actually managed to make it to where Shelmet and I placed the paper?”

I shrugged. Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t. But since we didn’t know for sure, we’d have to check the next couple of floors like this.

When Pancham heard me say that, he rolled his eyes and sighed in annoyance. “Tch…what a pain.”

I turned to him with my brow slightly furrowed. Pancham noticed me looking at him and frowned.

“…What?”

…

“If it was such a pain, then why did I make him come here…? I didn’t make him do anything! He’s the one who decided to go!” Pancham retorted.

Yeah, probably because you kept making fun of him, you doof…

Pancham heard me say that under my breath and stopped walking. “Who the heck are you calling a ‘doof’?! And like you’re one to talk! You’re always getting Goomy into trouble by dragging him into those adventures of yours!” he shot back.

“…!”

T-that’s…he’s not wrong, but…

Noticing that I was stunned into silence, he kept speaking. “Be honest. You didn’t come here because you care about Goomy. You came here because it was just another adventure to you, right? Goomy was the last thing on your mind!” he said.

That’s not true at all. Sure, I was excited at the idea of coming here, but rescuing Goomy came first! He was my top priority!

“Yeah, right. That was probably just a convenient lie you came up with. You constantly get Goomy into trouble, and now you’re suddenly worried about him? I don’t buy that for one second,” he said with his arms crossed.

I don’t care if you buy it or not, it’s the truth…!

He kept ignoring what I was saying and continued his verbal assault. “And to think someone like you wants to join the Expedition Society. Do you really think they’d wanna accept someone who’s constantly hurting other Pokémon with their stupid antics?”

S-stop it…

“Face it, Nozomi. You’re just a selfish brat who doesn’t care about anyone but herself. There’s no way you’d ever be useful to anyone!” he said with a smug smile.

“!!!”

Who…who the heck does he think he is?!

He’s going on and on as if he knows anything about me…! I-I know I can be selfish sometimes, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about others. I…

At this point, I was genuinely starting to get upset. I was trying my best to hold it together, but the last thing he said…it made me feel something I couldn’t even describe. It was one of the most unpleasant feelings I’ve ever experienced.

…

I…don’t mean to cause problems for others…I just…

…

Pancham was about to say something else to me, probably another mean-spirited remark about me.

…That’s when he noticed the tears forming in my eyes.

“Wha…?”

“…”

His smug smile from earlier instantly vanished, and his eyes widened in shock. He just stared at me looking at the ground, trying my hardest not to cry.

After a few more seconds had passed, he looked down with a guilty expression on his face and sighed quietly.

“Aw, crud…” he said to himself before looking back up at me. “Hey, Nozomi, I didn’t…”

*growl*

“Wha-?”

Huh…? W-what was that?

I quickly wiped my eyes and shook my head, directing my attention to the sudden growling noise. Pancham did the same and got into a defensive stance.

“Goomy…? Is that you?” he asked. We both knew the answer already, but he probably asked just to be on the safe side.

…No response.

I followed Pancham’s lead and braced myself for what was about to happen. We briefly looked at each other, then turned back to the bush.

…

…

…

Ah, come on! The anticipation is killing me! We know it’s a wild Pokémon! Just hurry up and show yourself so we can clobber you-

Then, as if the dungeon somehow heard what I was thinking, two Furfrou appeared from the bush. Hold up…two?! I was expecting just one! And these two seem two be stronger than the other Pokémon we ran into earlier…cripes! This isn’t good!

“Holy-!” Pancham shouted, slightly startled.

The two Furfrou slowly approached the two of us, snarling with malicious intent. They both sheathed their claws as they were about to attack.

Pancham gulped and turned to me to see what I was doing, only to be shocked to see me simply staring both of them down.

“H-hey, Nozomi! What the heck are you doing?! Staring at them isn’t gonna make them stop. We gotta attack or use an item or something!” he said.

I internally scoffed at Pancham’s remark. Duh, you doof. I knew that already. I’m just waiting until they get close enough…

A few seconds passed and two Furfrou were only a couple of feet from us. I kept staring at them, waiting for them to make the first move. That’s when one of them suddenly tried to pounce on me.

“Nozomi!” Pancham shouted.

Heheheh…you’ve fallen right into my trap.

Mud-Slap!

I used Mud-Slap to hurl mud into the Furfrou’s eyes, instantly blinding them. Their attack was interrupted and they were stumbling around in confusion, trying to find me. However, I didn’t give it the chance as I immediately used my Bubble attack to finish it off.

Enraged by the fact that I KO’d its ally, the other Furfrou did the same thing it did and pounced on me. I was about to do the same thing as before, but that’s when Pancham got in front of me.

“Arm Thrust!”

Pancham managed to land five blows to the wild Pokémon before it went down. Once he knew for sure that it was knocked out, he gave it a cheeky grin and started boasting.

“Ha! Take that, you mangy mutt!” he said.

I watched him go on like that for a bit before shaking my head and sighing. Geez…he never passes up an opportunity to show off, does he? But, man, that was pretty surprising, getting ambushed like that. Although…now that I think about it, that was odd. I thought the Furfrou seemed stronger, but we managed to take them down pretty quickly. What’s with that…?

After he was done taunting the Furfrou, he turned back to me. “Heh. Looks like we managed to teach both of them a lesson!” he said with his hands placed confidently on his hips.

Yeah…I guess so?

…

I slowly walked over and examined both of the Furfrou out of curiosity. Pancham watched me and gave me a confused expression.

“Hey, what are you doing?” he asked.

I told him what I was thinking earlier, that these Furfrou seemed too easy to beat and that I wanted to take a closer look at them.

“Maybe they weren’t as tough as you thought? Or maybe we were just that much stronger than the two of them?” he said with the same confident tone.

I simply rolled my eyes and kept looking at them. Maybe they had gotten injured before we fought them and that’s why we didn’t struggle that much? No, there’s no way. I didn’t see any injures before-

“…!?”

Wait, what the-?!

Pancham saw my surprised expression and tilted his head curiously. “What? What is it?” he asked.

Both of them…there both had burn marks under their fur!

“What?!” Pancham shouted, running over to get a look.

I double-checked to see if maybe I was imagining things, but no matter how you looked at it, they were definitely burn marks. And, to make things more confusing, they looked...recent? So…this was the reason we took them down so easily. They were already injured…

Pancham stared at the burn marks for a few more seconds, then turned to me.

“Okay…that’s pretty weird. So, what? Were they attacked by another Pokémon or something?”

…Well, that had to be the case, right? The only thing capable of giving burns like this is another Pokémon…probably a Fire-type one. But if that’s the case, who did this? It couldn’t have been another dungeon Pokémon. After all, it didn’t seem like there were any Fire-type Pokémon around here…

Before I could get a chance to think about it some more, I was pulled out of my thoughts by a loud rustling noise.

“Oh, come on. Again?!” Pancham said, furrowing his brow angrily.

Another Pokémon? So soon after those two? Geez, what a pain…Oh, well. I guess it can’t be helped.

Just like last time, we both got into defensive stances and waited for our next opponent to show themselves. The rustling got louder and louder until it eventually reached the same bush the Furfrou jumped out of. We both glared at the bush, expecting the Pokémon to jump out just like those two.

However, we were both caught off guard when we heard a voice from the bush.

“Ugh…I forgot how much of a hassle it was to navigate through the Foreboding Forest. There’s so much shrubbery everywhere…”

Pancham and I quickly glanced at each other before turning back to the bush. That…that wasn’t a dungeon Pokémon.

They came from outside the dungeon, just like us.

From the sound of their voice, they didn’t seem much older than us, either. They had to have been around our age. But…hold on. It didn’t sound like Goomy’s voice…Did that mean that there was another kid in here? But I didn’t recognize it. It didn’t sound like any of the kids from the Village…so who was this Pokémon?

My question would quickly be answered as the mysterious Pokémon casually stepped outside the bush. The moment they did, my eyes widened in surprise. The Pokémon in question had a exploration bag on them, and they were wearing this weird bracelet-looking thing on their wrist. Despite the fact that they were a child, they had a stoic look on their face and slightly baggy eyes. But what interested me the most was the type of Pokémon they were. They were a Fire-type.

…Specifically, a Charmander.

[seanofbeankeep]

DMing Waterdeep Dragonheist

Do not read if

- you want to play or currently playing this campaign. Spoilers. First playthrough is best done not knowing. Only read if you’re the DM.

- if you are my players (Tomas, Thro, Sylvan, Leto) as even in past chapters you played. I will talk about future plans for our game.

First time DMing that’s not a one-shot.

Chapter 1 what I did etc

So we’re not doing the Alexandrian remix. I like the repeatability of this game with different villains. Plus one player won’t care for the cassalanters dilemma and one player that story would be a red line. Too many plot lines or villains will over complicate it.

I’m doing my own mix based around the players backstory and my own ideas. But sticking to the chapter beats as is.

I have a rough outline of plot but leaving room for players actions to add story points or changes.

I’m doing an autumn/winter setting. So we have two villains. Fun one where I hope some harmless pranks or they may team up. one who’ll be way more sinister late game. Nice contrasts of ‘gah that guy! to oh no this other guy is f’ evil’. I’m going to have the chase scene (I hope) start off with the autumn villain gang before winter ones gang intervenes dramatically. Light villain chase turns into darker one.

Tho hard since Xanathar guild is in the first chapter so much players want to know more and I’m trying to balance how deep they go into this one.

Theme is: most players are entertainers so I added more of this to the story. Choices, with different warring factions I want to give the players a chance to pick a side or be double agents for factions. Or go for this themselves. The treasure is a prize but so is winning popularity in the city.

I’m playing up there being two different Zhents the new (new one will be like awful pyramid scheme) and the old zhoonts. And no one has quite realised that yet. The players will get hints over time there’s more than one guild. Im thinking of having some more of the ‘clones’ turn up end game. Character backstory

Chapter 1

Theme this chapter was learning/tutorial level. Their characters, the game mechanics, story hook basics etc.

As we’re all rusty and new to the game I started with adding prompts to get the players thinking about how to role play.

So on the way to the yawning portal I gave prompts;

E.g. ‘as you walk through the city your character sees one of the cities large statues. It’s of a knight holding a shield. Tell me a memory this sight triggers about why x befriended the other party members on the road’ etc

Each player had their own ‘memory trigger’ scene. It was great! They all came up with a story on the spot. One was hilarious and created a character trait that they are obsessed with bbq that’s become a running gag. Some players had very thin backstory and this is helping them add to it.

At yawning portal they met with their friendly faces. I was going to do a quiz or have some mini games so they could practise rolling or using their characters skills. Aka tutorial level. At first it was going to be ‘find red ribbons to get a free drink’ like Durnan had created a game. But it was too complicated or would’ve taken up the whole session.

I settled for Durnan testing the morals of our rogue by pick pocketing Jalestar (made it into a prank they play on each other) lol the rogue failed sleight of hand. It joined up with their backstory they’re escaping the night masks and wanting to be less evil. Durnan turned it into a ‘lesson, don’t do what your told if its not good balance’ since he’s watching this player as a potential harper recruit. Later in this chapter the player was reminded ‘aren’t you trying to be good like Durban told you’ by another player.

The first combat was fun. You had the brawl followed by the monster attack. The players started off well but everyone including Jalestar had nightmare rolls and almost died.

I was kind and let them throw bottles as a bonus action esp since they kept missing.

The players agreed to help Volo and bullied him to sign over his image rights (something they have not taken advantage of yet. I was hoping they’d open a Volo themed tavern. I might get Volo to push this one lmao)

They played the rest standardly well. I won’t do a play for play but I can post session notes I made if people find this interesting.

I added some more tutorial prompts for helping them improve their combat or think about game mechanics

‘As you walk you rummage in your inventory and find a disguise kit. Tell me a memory where this helped your character in the past’

Or ‘ask you walk to the warehouse you flex your arms muscles and think about how strong you are. How has your climbing skills helped you in past combat’

Once again it fleshed out their back story. We had some great moments and they do keep using the skills promoted. One player is now obsessed with looking out for footprints with their investigation skills.

As one player is a rogue. I created different factions thieves can’t codes for them to code break. Print off fun. Xants and the zhents. Because they’re a former night mask I made sure their cants are close to the zhent ones (similar bosses). It half worked was a fun mechanic.

The disguise kit prompt I made worked for one area. While they tried to use it in another where there was a mind flayer… they were not fooled. They’ve been nervous using it since.

They rescued Floon!

Overall it went well. The adds I made were good. I learned how long sessions would take. So I’m getting better at knowing ‘x area will be two sessions’ etc

I worry lack of combat sessions are boring but turns out these are the most fun for us. Players having more fun debating the mystery and coming up with character story moments.

I used DnD beyond for keeping track of maps but we drew them for the players. They like minis. The encounter builder in DnD beyond has been really handy for managing turns and monster stats faster. Tho the difficulty from book to this app feels uneven.

I honestly over prepared for most sessions. Had way too many notes and pre notes that I never used.

[papersak]

I like the idea of New Year's Resolutions. They're kinda sentimental to me. But this year I can't come up with a single goal, a single bar that I should try to meet this year...

... so I'll just type out all of them and check back in a year to see which one sticks.

Read 6+ novels

Pass Valkyrie Dimension

Finally learn conversational Japanese (bonus points if I can read a doujin)

Enter a Pokemon VGC regional again

Make another animation

As for how and why...

Read 6 novels: this starts all the way back mid-2020 where y'know, boredom and anxiety had me seeking healthier hobbies than doomscrolling. I actually got 4 for Christmas 😮I think they're all romance novels. When the library was close to work, I could power through 4 ez, so let's aim for those and finding 2 more.

Pass Valkyrie Dimension: It's a DDR song. 😅 This might be the hardest, if not second to 3, because of how much consistent work it would require. Before lockdowns, I was able to pass light 16s and POSSESSION. It was the peak of my DDR ability and it was a huge rush. But gah... I've fallen so far that I'm shaky at 15s now, and 14s are exhausting. It's always been a goal of mine to pass VD, and my true "DDR retirement" goal is to pass Paranoia Revolution. They're just the coolest boss songs to me. On Expert, not Challenge... experts know that chart is better. 😆

The problem here is my home pad is giving out, and playing in the arcade is not only expensive but... time consuming? I've actually grown to dislike going in a group because of how much waiting is involved. 😓

Japanese: The last time I was in Japan I had told someone I've been studying for 8 years. He seemed shocked; I was shocked for a different reason. Like, I started 8 years ago and I still can't hold a conversation??? What's up with that? I absolutely love going to doujin events, and I have quite a pile of (all-ages) comics from artists. But even when it was two artists I was a huge fan of, it frustrated me that I could never really befriend them. Even though Yanada remembered me after multiple visits, even though I spent all that time talking to Yato, and participated in all those DDR prompts...

I'm getting too old to still have "a second language" on my todo list. And sure, Japanese is at the top because I'm a weeb at my core. I know it's sort of a selfish reason. I just also have a really wonderful time when I do visit for vacation. I want a better understanding of the people I talk with when I go back. And uh... there's seemingly credible companies that let you work remote for the US while in Tokyo, particularly for IT jobs, and I have at least one of those tools in my belt already...

Pokemon VGC: I'm only 70% sure I wanna do this again. Which is still pretty sure. But I'm worried it won't be quite as fun as before. I participated in Reg C and it was AMAZING. Unfair how much fun people can have for an event hosted by such a scummy company. 😆I can't stress enough how much the other players made it so memorable, maybe even more so than some indie events. People were so helpful and so passionate, it's contagious. Team building was stressful, but I really did have fun showing off an Oricorio team with my random shiny Revavroom, and taking even the few wins I did had me over the moon.

I worry that with whatever the hell regulation it is in summer 2024 (like, wow, they are so awful with rule sets), it'll make it near impossible for someone like me to make a team that's viable, let alone a team that I'm happy to show to others. But with how swiss works, maybe I'll run into other people like me and just have fun. Or, y'know, maybe I'll find out that VGC truly does suck when Inceneroar and Landorus are legal, and I'll never have FOMO again. Either way, it'll work out! Now I've talked myself into going...

Another animation: I've been trying to figure out... why I keep making characters teary-eyed every time I make a non-parody animation. I never make sad characters in comics or art... animation just opens up my power or something. And yet, I still have parodies I want to do. I guess if you read this far, I'll go ahead and confess that the two I want to do are smooooch and the Madoka Magica (first) opening with DDR characters. I also started brainstorming a DDR parody to Mephisto from Oshi no Ko. But I don't have a lot more story ideas in my head. I'd like to do a humorous one just to prove I can. I honestly felt to powerful making the Silver and Lance one earlier, and that sort of "I'm doing it because it needed to exist" principle is why I make all the art I do, I think.

So maybe that's why I never improve, because all I care about is bringing an idea into existence. There's definitely part of me that cares that others can see what I'm thinking clearly, and without any polished skill I am certain the internet won't care. I'm uh... grateful? Surprised? Honored? that while I have plenty of flaws in art, I've improved enough to convey something I was emotionally attached to and share that feeling through animation. I think I can stop saying "I'm not good enough to do this idea" whenever I get an idea for a large project like that. So I meeeean... yes, I do remember my beginner methods making some of those scenes a nightmare, and if I was truly skilled then I could've got it done not only in better quality but with less stress. But maybe this year is the start of just going for an art project instead of saying I'm not ready.

Anyway. Happy year of the dragon. It's not my zodiac sign, but I kind of feel lucky in 2024 because my old persona was a dragon and dragons are adorable. May we all go into this year with extra ambition.

🐉

[lone-changelings-journal]

15/1/1495

This has been the craziest two days of my entire life. I can’t believe I’m even able to write this down, oh gods. Like… I’m free! I’m alive and I’m free. It’s insane I’m able to say that, but it’s true. Gah, I want to scream!!! I won’t, but I want to. As happy as I am it’d probably upset Morr and I really don’t want to do that. She’s like the nicest person I’ve ever met, I’d feel awful upsetting her. But I’m getting ahead of myself here. The whole reason I asked for this journal was so I could process everything that’s happened to me over the past tenday. Probably every tenday after this as well. 

I’m still kicking myself for deciding to run away in the dead of winter. Not like I really had a choice in the matter though. My ears most likely have frostbite they hurt so much. Hopefully it’s not too bad. I quite like my ears and I’d rather them not fall off. Even now in the warmth of Morr’s cabin I still feel like I’m at risk of freezing to death. I hate it. But it’s better than being stuck back in that goddamn prison. I’d rather die than go back there. But processing things. I guess I should start from the beginning. So much has happened I want to write it down while it’s still fresh. And if this all pans out well it’ll be nice to be able to look back on my writing here and see where it all began.

The beginning. I don’t exactly know what counts as the beginning. Like, is the beginning when I decided to run away? Or is it when I actually ran away? Uh… Ah screw it, it’s not like it really matters why, what matters is that I did. About six days ago I finally managed to break free and run away from home. Father decided he was going to host some sort of party or something at the estate and, as usual, I was instructed to blend in with the crowd and make sure the guests were attended to. Nevermind the fact the gash in my side hadn’t fully healed and shifting with stitches in hurts like the hells. 

Personally I’d rather not remember the finer details on that. Long story short once the party was over I saw an opportunity to escape and I took it. One of the women his mistress had invited had several children with her. They’d been causing chaos all night chasing each other around and playing their little games. At one point the idea to change into one of them popped into my mind. No one noticed, and once I’d followed her and her kids into town I broke off from the group and just… Ran.

I never planned to leave. I’ve always dreamed of running away, but I never thought I’d actually go through with it, you know? Yet suddenly I was running down the streets of South City fast as I could trying to get as far away from that damn manor as possible. Like I said, I’m never going back. I would rather die. Not even that. I’d rather walk the hells as a lemure for the rest of eternity than go back. It was so freeing to run past the city gate and onto the open road that it took me a good hour or two to realize just how badly I’d screwed up. I ended up going back into the city to pick up a few supplies once the sun started to go down. Gods, it’s SO cold outside it’s not even funny.

Honestly I don’t even know what I planned on doing after leaving. If I hadn’t stumbled across Morr’s cabin I’d probably have frozen to death by now. The first day sleeping outside was fine, but the first day’s air was still and skies were clear. So, still unbearably cold, but survivable at least. But it’s the start of winter. The days have been getting colder and they’re going to keep getting colder. And of course I was out in the middle of goddamn nowhere. If I would have stayed in South City someone would have eventually found me and returned me home. Or arrested me, whatever came first. Once I was out I knew I couldn’t turn back, but I really don’t know anything about the surrounding area. I’ve never left home before.

Eventually after wandering for a few days I came across a dense forested area. It was late and I figured the trees would help shield me from the wind. Maybe I could build a fire with some branches or something too, I don’t know. So I walked off the path and looked around for maybe like a little trench or something to sleep in. That’s when I came across Morr’s cabin.

I really wasn’t expecting to see anyone living out in the middle of the forest, but I’m really glad I found this place. I probably wouldn’t have noticed it if the lights weren’t on though. The entire place is ancient. Like, vines and moss growing all over the walls ancient. But my god it really was a welcome sight. For all of like two seconds. I was so sick and tired of being out in the cold I found myself walking right up to the door without even thinking. In hindsight, anyone could have been behind the door. I could have gotten myself kidnapped by a hag or something. But that didn’t end up happening, thankfully. How shitty would it be to finally escape only to be caught and locked up by someone worse… I don’t want to think about that.

Once I’d come to my senses I decided to peek in through the window to scope the place out. See who lived there and stuff. That’s when I first saw Morr. The inside of her house is like an alchemist’s playground. I’m glad I don’t have allergies because she has plants absolutely everywhere. Live plants, dried plants, fermenting plants, mushrooms, mosses… Everything! She also has like anything and everything you’d need to cast probably any spell in existence. I really don’t know much about magic, though, so that I can’t say for sure. There might as well have been with all the stuff laying around.

Her cabin also has this strange air around it. It’s really hard to describe, and even now after being here for a couple days I’m not used to it. Though I guess in the two days I’ve been working for her I’ve only been inside a couple of hours. The air here feels light, and it almost makes you feel weightless even though nothing’s changed. I don’t know. I almost feel energized just standing near it in a weird way. It’s really hard to explain, I can’t really say much more than that. Anyway, as weird as the place was, it didn’t feel overly dangerous and I really didn’t want to freeze to death mere feet away from a warm fire so I knocked on the door.

Like I said, Morr is kind of a… Strange individual. She seems to be very fond of the mask she wears. I don’t know what it’s for, but she had it on even when she thought she was alone. It’s made of some strange wood that I can only assume is enchanted. There’s this weird arcane… Sheen to it? If that’s the word? Like depending on the lighting you can see this swirly glow across its surface, but in others it looks totally normal. Aside from the fact it has insanely intricate carvings and patterns all over it. Her mask paired with her eyes still sort of freak me out. I know I shouldn’t be judging her based on her appearance, as she’s been nothing but kind to me since we met, but her eyes are just… Eerie. I’ve never met anyone with pure orange eyes before. No pupils or anything. And they GLOW! All the time!!!

Honestly though I don’t really care in the grand scheme of things. She let me inside, even though I was a total stranger. Apprehensive as she was she didn’t seem to want to send me back out in the cold by myself. She let me in and gave me a warm cup of tea and… Gods… It was so good. I’ve never drank anything like it before. It was warm and minty, with a very sweet aftertaste. Just thinking about it makes my mouth water. Actually no, note to self time here. Ask Morr what the hells was in that tea because I NEED to know how to make it. If I even can. For all I know it was some weird magic tea from whatever “plane” she’s from. Whatever that means.

But yeah she let me inside and had me warm up by the fireplace and she said I could stay the night as long as I didn’t mess up any of her work. Which I wouldn’t DREAM of doing. I know better than to go messing with someone else's stuff. This is where we properly introduced ourselves. Her full name is Morrighan, but she asked me to call her Morr so this is the only time I’m going to write her full name down. After she let slip she wasn’t from this world she started asking me questions about my life. The last thing I wanted to do after escaping was talk about myself, but I guess I understand. I’m still just some stranger who randomly knocked on her door in the middle of the night begging for a place to stay. I… Really don’t deserve the kindness she’s shown me…

I feel bad not telling her the whole truth about who I was, but honestly I think she knew immediately I wasn’t telling the full story. All I said was that I was from South City and that I used to work for my father by testing his new spells and potions. I left out all the other stuff. I guess I just… I don’t know! I don’t want Morr to pity me more than she already does. She totally knows though, there’s no way she doesn’t. I’ve never been able to keep composure and I was a stuttering mess the entire time.

I don’t even know how to explain what happened next. Two days later and I’m still here trying to process it all. Hence the journaling, duh. That was the whole point. Once I finished my stupid half truth life story she started going on some confusing rant about paths and how I “had no path in life” or how “my path lead you here” or… Something? I couldn’t really follow along. It hurt hearing a total stranger basically calling me hopeless. That’s what I was able to gather from her rant, anyway. Maybe she didn’t mean it like that but it sure sounded like it. But she kept going on about how my old path didn’t matter and how it was fate I ended up here and how she could “give me a path to follow” and how I’d never be lost again so long as I followed her lead. She also mentioned how she could grant me power when I felt powerless and all this other stuff I hardly remember. She talked at me for a LONG time, and it was so late at night.

See, I’ve heard stories like this in the past. It’s something father often ranted about. He always hated people who took the “easy way out” when it came to learning the arcane. Totally hated sorcerers simply for being born. Ironic, considering his own child is a Changeling. Either way, over the years I’ve heard alllllll his rants about sorcerers and clerics and warlocks. He views clerics and warlocks as one in the same because “both sell their soul to some deity in exchange for free magic. Or so they think” and then the rant continues on cursing out the gods and saying that nothing in this world comes for free and how they’re all slaves and blah blah blah. 

While I don’t agree with him entirely, I do know that warlocks DO ACTUALLY give their souls away. Or… Bind them to someone? Or something to do with the soul, I don’t know exactly. So when Morr started talking about all this stuff and how she could help me reach my potential by making a pact I was skeptikal. But she kept going on and on about how much she saw in me, and how my desire for a better life drew me here, and how she could make my life so much better and I just… No one’s ever told me anything like that before. And she’s been SO nice to me! No one’s ever been this nice to me before either! I really hope I haven’t been tricked, but honestly what the hell else would I do? Wander back into the snow and hope I can survive the walk to wherever the nearest town is?

I can’t believe I actually made a pact with her, but I did. By the gods do I feel different. Once I agreed she had me step closer and she placed her hand on my forehead and started doing what I can only assume was an incantation or a ritual or something. Everything fell totally still. Time itself seemed to cease. We started floating in the air as she asked me a few final questions. I just agreed to everything. Maybe I’m a fool for that. Once it was all said and done I shook her hand and we both fell back to the ground and everything went back to normal. I don’t exactly know the full details of this pact, but she promised she’d tell me tomorrow morning. Gods, I’m still reeling over it all. I don’t feel nearly as scared of the world as I did before. Like, I feel like I can do anything.

But it didn’t end there. Obviously, since that was only the first night and it’s been like two days now. I gotta take a break here for a second, though, my hand is starting to cramp up. I think the cold might have done more to me than I thought. 

Okay I’m back now! Just needed a break for a second. But yeah, I made a pact with Morr. Then she showed me where I’d be sleeping for the night and said we could discuss things more in the morning. Which we did, and gods did it take an even wilder turn. She, uh, gave me a familiar to watch over me. I know all about those. Both father and his mistress had one, and I often saw them running around doing little jobs for them both. But Father had a rabbit and his mistress had an ugly flat faced cat. Gods, I hated that thing. I hated both of them, but at least Father’s rabbit was cute. That doesn’t matter though. When Morr told me she was giving me a familiar I assumed it would be something like that. A little animal that could ride around on my shoulder and whatnot. Instead she brought me to the back room of her cabin where there was a FREAKING WOLF!

When I say she’s massive I really do mean massive, though. I rode on her back like a horse! That’s how big she is! And she has the same glowing orange eyes Morr has. No pupils, just orange. Oddly enough while she is made of some sort of fog or smoke or whatever it is, she still feels mostly solid. Like there’s maybe four or five inches of fog and then she feels just like any other wolf. At least, I assume wolves feel like that. I’ve never touched one before.

Morr said that I had to touch her to form our bond, but she also said that if I was too scared the bond wouldn’t form. How in the hells am I supposed to walk up to a wolf who’s teeth are larger than my FINGERS and TOUCH IT without being terrified?!? I did what I was told though. I held my hand out for her to sniff because I can only assume wolves are like dogs. She sniffed my hand and then howled at me, I think. She made some sort of noise, but it certainly didn’t sound like any animal I’ve ever heard. It sounded kind of like breathing, but kind of mechanical, but also very echoy? Like a “WhhoOoooAhAhhahahahh” kind of noise. Writing can’t do it justice.

After that I worked up the courage to pet her on the head, and once I did she became a lot less intimidating. Even with her being almost the size of a horse and having creepy glowing eyes and being surrounded by dark mist/smoke she’s still exactly like any other dog I’ve ever met. I pet her and her tail started wagging and kicking up the smoke everywhere making the room all hazy. It was cute, in a weird… Campfire ghost story sort of way.

Anyway, she doesn’t have a name yet. Well, she does, but I’m not allowed to know it? Uh.. Basically, I asked Morr if she had a name and she said no. So I said I would think of one, but Morr said that would be improper because this wolf is an intelligent being, she just can’t speak. Basically it’d be like me giving a grown woman a name after just meeting her for the first time. Morr said she didn’t have a name at all, but I learned that wasn’t the case soon after speaking with one of her friends. Or contacts. Or whatever, I don’t know their relationship. He told me that she DOES have a name, she just doesn’t trust me enough to tell me it yet. Which begs the question, why doesn’t she trust Morr with her name?

But yeah once we formed our bond, which is super freaking cool by the way, Morr gave me my first job as a warlock. Or would “as HER warlock” be the right way to put it? Regardless, she told me that one of her contacts had been keeping ahold of a tome for her and that I needed to go find him and bring it to her. This guy’s name is Aurthur and he lives in the next closest town. It’s a little town called Darrow that I’ve never heard of before now. Though I don’t see any reason why I would have. I was kept in a noble house in South City. Father’s family had lived in the estate for like three generations, which is a LONG time for high elves. We certainly weren’t going to move any time soon, so I had no reason to know about the surrounding villages and towns and whatnot. In hindsight he probably never told me so I’d never want to leave. Whole lot of good that did…

Darrow is about a day’s ride from here. I don’t know how much faster horseback is compared to walking. Or wolfback, considering I didn’t ride a horse to Darrow. All I know is I’d certainly have froze to death before getting there if I’d have tried to walk there from South City, and with it being the CLOSEST town… Yeah, I’m really glad I found Morr’s cabin. Thankfully Morr gave me some winter clothes before I headed out. Me and uh… I’ll just call her “wolf” for now? We both left in the early morning and we got to Darrow at maybe eleven o’clock? I figured Arthur would probably be asleep by now and I really didn’t want to spend another night out in the cold so once I got into town wolf and I wandered around until we found a tavern to stay at.

If I have any say in it I’m never going back to Darrow. Though considering Morr has a contact there I have a feeling I’m going to be making return trips frequently. Aside from Arthur the people I met there were so… Horrible! See I know a lot of places don’t allow animals, familiars or not, so when we got to the tavern I told wolf to stay outside so I could go in and ask about it. The plan was I’d ask, and if we got turned away I’d just find us somewhere else to go. Instead the woman there freaked out on me. She went on and on about how I’m just some small changeling and how I could never handle a wolf as big as mine, and how I was secretly bringing it here to let it loose on the town and how it could maul or devour someone. Just on and on.

It didn’t help that I didn’t have a name to give her. In this woman’s eyes the fact wolf doesn’t have a name yet proves that she isn’t a pet or a companion and is, in fact, a wild beast. I offered to prove she was obedient but even after doing so she just kept going off on us. The other people at the bar were all laughing and booing me as well which was absolutely humiliating. I’m not upset at Morr over this though. There’s no way she could have known…

Anyway, once this woman made it clear we weren’t staying in her tavern I tried to leave, but she blocked me from doing so. She said that I’d brought a monster in town and that it was her “duty” to protect her customers. This lady tried to get the town’s guard involved just because I politely asked if I could bring my familiar inside. I don’t know how I managed to calm her down. I think guilt got the better of her, honestly. She decided to let us leave once I put a “leash” onto wolf, which was really just a bit of rope I had in my pack. But I guess once she saw how cold it was outside and she changed her mind. So… Maybe she’s not all bad. Then again, not wanting someone to freeze to death should be basic human decency. It doesn’t make you a good person.

I paid extra for our room, which really wasn’t much. She wanted a gold so I gave her a gold with the promise that I’d leave first thing in the morning. That’s exactly what I did, too. Kind of. We did end up sleeping in until noon which was NOT my intention, but the trip to Darrow was tiring and I kinda stayed up for awhile… In an emotional state… I’m just glad I wasn't alone. Wolf may not trust me enough to give me her name, but she does seem to care about my wellbeing. When she saw me crying she nuzzled her head into my lap and licked my face and stuff. It’s still bizarre that a creature as large as she is can act so… Normal, I guess?

It wasn’t hard to find Arthur once we started looking. Morr said he ran a little shop in town and there really weren’t all too many shops. Plus wolf was guiding me most of the way. It seemed like she knew where we were supposed to go, but she didn’t exactly seem happy about it. I asked her if Arthur was mean and she shook her head, but I got the impression she disliked something about him. It’s weird, but it’s almost as if I can like… Feel what she means. She can’t talk to me, and these feelings I get aren’t words exactly. They’re like… Emotions as well as something else I don’t know how to describe. I just understand her, I guess. Not much else to say other than that.

Arthur was kind enough, though. His shop is on the road leading out of town the opposite way I came in. I guess the main road goes from South City, passes through Darrow, and then continues on to Castleview. I know OF Castleview, but I don’t know anything about it really. Not that it’s important. I’m just jotting the little details down so I remember them better. It was decently busy. Most of the items for sale were potions and scrolls and things of that nature. Seemed like a magic shop for those who can’t cast themselves, since I didn’t see any spell components or anything else like that. Since it was a magic shop though, and since Morr and wolf know Arthur, I figured it’d be okay bringing her inside with me.

He was nice, though. A bit odd, but nice. Part of me thinks that everyone I meet who knows Morr is going to be a bit odd. There’s also a really good chance that I’m the odd one out, though. If it smells like shit everywhere you go, check your shoe and whatnot, right? I didn’t talk to him much, though. Only enough to prove that I did actually know Morr and that I was here to pick up the tome she needed. He was a little apprehensive giving it to me, considering I don’t know anything about anything in the world of the arcane. But he also said that if Morr had taken me under her wing I really must have something promising about me. From how he spoke of her it seems Morr is tied to the more advanced side of the arcane. Someone you’d have heard about if you studied spells like that, but not someone the average person knows. I don’t really know how much weight that has though.

We didn’t talk much after that, though I promised I’d give Morr his regards. After that me and wolf took our leave. The trip back took longer than the trip there, but all in all it was uneventful. The only real thing of note was that the storm outside really started picking up. It was basically a total white out outside. If it weren’t for wolf’s nose we probably would have gotten lost out there. But we did make it back, and Morr was very pleased with me. After I gave her the tome we sat down and had a real proper discussion about the terms of my pact and why she bothered to help me out at all. While I was gone she got a whole written contract made. I did ask her if I was allowed to write any of this down in my journal and she said I could, so long as I made sure none of it got into the wrong hand. I don’t really feel too comfortable writing all this down word per word though. For the sake of remembering I guess I’ll summarize it, but I don’t entirely trust myself to keep a book like this guarded at all times.

Basically, Morr’s job is to keep balance in the realm. More specifically she keeps a balance in the arcane side of things. How she does this she didn’t say, nor did she say what “balance” means. It sounds kind of presumptuous if you ask me, but at the same time I don’t know anything about magic aside from the fact it exists so… Who knows. Anyway, usually she’s fine on her own, but there’s a few “threats” that have popped up recently that she can’t deal with herself. So she’s been seeking help, specifically from people like me who are “unbiased in the realm of magic”. Again, don’t know what that means, but whatever. She seems to know what she’s talking about.

I guess there’s a lot of things and people and whatnot out there that threaten the realm’s magic, but the main driving force that got her looking for allies is some cultist group. She calls them the “Cult of the Forgotten King”, but I have a feeling that isn’t their real name. Long and short of it is that this group of people are trying to revive some death god. She called him a Lich. Her explanation of who he is and his goals is… Again, pretty vague. Something about bringing “an endless winter of darkness that will never fade and never weaken”. I don’t even know if Morr knows exactly what this guy is about. But I also know that Liches are usually evil undead monsters, so regardless of who he is or what he wants I can see why she wants to prevent his return.

Hearing all that was really daunting, and even now I’m not too sure what the hells I’ve gotten myself into. But I was assured and reassured that I would never be facing this Lich alone and that I’d never be given a task I couldn’t handle. She promised she wouldn’t just lead me to my death which is nice in theory, but in reality it just freaked me out more that she even had to promise that in the first place. It’s an overwhelming and terrifying thought that one day I might be dealing with a real life lich cult. But today isn’t that day, and neither is tomorrow or even the next tenday. For now my job is to learn how to use magic, which is fine by me. 

The contract, though. To summarize, no hurting Morr’s allies, no discussing the terms of the pact with anyone unless specifically told, no discussing anything about Morr to anyone (unless they’re a KNOWN ally), I have to complete any task or errand or job she asks of me (assuming I’m able and no external circumstances make the task impossible). If I go against any of these the contract will be immediately terminated. But on her side of things she has to keep me protected to the best of her abilities (barring circumstances already listed above), continually teach me the ways of the arcane (assuming it’s necessary and/or helpful to my work).

It also goes into detail on how I could terminate the contract if I ever chose to. But if the contract is ever broken or terminated Morr will have nothing to do with me from that point on, I’ll be left on my own to survive without magic, and in the event this cult or any other threat she deals with on a day to day basis rears its ugly head she will not protect me from them. There was a bit more too, obviously. Like how she won’t ask me to do anything that goes against my values and how my duties will never be beyond my current capabilities. But that’s all kind of a give in reading the rest of the terms and whatnot.

The last thing we spoke about before I went to bed and started writing all this was what the tome she had me pick up was for. Nothing overly interesting unfortunately. It’s just an old book of spells from WELL before I was born. So old it’s written in a dead language. It has some pretty powerful spells in it I guess, but all in all it’s a spellbook like any other as far as I’m concerned. My first job was just a mundane delivery job. Though seeing as I don’t know any magic yet I guess that makes sense.

But yeah, that leads up to where I am now. Laying in bed noting all of this down while Wolf sleeps on the floor next to me. I offered her a spot on the bed, but she finds the floor more comfortable. She also doesn’t want to roll over on me in her sleep and suffocate me, which is uh… Considerate, I guess? I don’t know. I don’t really know how I feel about any of this, really. Part of me feels like I’m in way over my head, but the other part of me is glad I did it. All that talk of cultists and liches is really what had me worried, but now that I’m laying here thinking about it I’ve basically been assigned the duties of your average town guard. The Lich person hasn’t been revived yet, so in reality I’m just stopping delusional fanatics from being a nuisance. And learning magic. That’s what I’m excited about. I was never allowed to practice magic back home since it could have affected father’s work. But now that I’m free I can finally do whatever I want, and that’s exactly what I’m doing.

[troublcmakcrs]

     @bxtsence  〢  cont from here .

“Gah—no!  Why would I do that?!” Tweek shrilled.  He almost added that he wasn’t mean like she was, but that didn’t seem fair.  It wasn’t like Viridian was unique in her giggling at his being scared, and while he was still exasperated that people did that, it wasn’t as if he could put her a rung below anyone else.

Besides, he had much more pressing things to worry about than requesting she be nice to him.

“I wouldn’t even know how to blow out all the candles at once.  Ack—okay, okay…”  He clenched and unclenched his fists, pulled at his shirt, panted heavily, willed himself to get it together.  Ghosts apparently responded well to fear, which was awful news for them, especially with him in the room.

“I really wish I watched more ghost hunting shows or something,” he groaned.  Or played the games, but they always scared him too badly.  Even watching over Craig’s shoulder for a bit was enough to have him cowering in the corner, so he knew he would never survive if he had to be in control of the character on screen, but maybe he at least would have learned something.

Despite having no idea what he was doing, he hazarded communicating with the ghost, anyway: “W-we don’t… nnn… m-mean you any harm…”

[burnwater13]

Nope. Grogu wasn’t going to do it. He wasn’t. He refused. He pretended nothing had happened. He didn’t think about it and he wasn’t going to. It was as simple as that. Right?

Uh… no. It was not as simple as that. Try as he might, he still saw the image of the Moff wannabe in his mind's eye and that annoyed the heck out of him. It was like when Peli Motto sang that song about baby snarks and Grogu just couldn’t get it out his head. So… awful. 

Why remember people who were mean, cruel, liars? Why think about ‘if only they had been better people’ at all? More polite, softer spoken, not nearly so eager to hurt people to get their way? What was the value in letting people like that take up any of your time? Especially your precious, goofing around, having fun time?

Grogu refused to let Morgan Elsbeth have that time in his mind. 

Gah! There she was again! He’d remembered her name. Womp rats! He didn’t even want to remember that she existed at all and now he’d gone and recalled her name. That just wasn’t right. 

She had been mean spirited, bossy, snooty, and a whole host of other unsavory things. He’d met people like her across the galaxy and they just sucked the fun, joy, and excitement at life, out of everything. 

He knew that those were qualities that the Sith approved of and used to control other people. They were know-it-alls and be-it-alls and ‘try-to-kidnap-Grogu-if-at-all-possible’-alls. And for his part, he was over it. He didn’t want to see them, hear them, or even think of them. Ever. At all. 

But Dank farrik! He’d just been going about his day when he suddenly thought about all the bad people he’d seen or met and her face popped right up. It was probably because the Mandalorian had been pretty short with him when Grogu made a mess in the Razor Crest. 

Grogu hadn’t meant to spill the broth and short out whatever panel was closest to his seat. He would have cleaned it up but Din had tried to use his cape/blanket thing and when that didn’t work the Mandalorian had to get up and go to the main deck and grab some supplies from there. Grogu just stayed where he was. He knew that his dad didn’t need his help to find the stuff. 

That would have been fine, but then the door to the bridge seemed to want to misbehave and it kept opening and closing without any intervention from either one of them. That made things a bit tricky for the Mandalorian. It also ended up producing a fine spray of curses from the bounty hunter when it closed on his booted foot. 

Maybe that was the problem. When Din Djarin used curses it was typically because he was surprised at something. Not angry or hurt, just surprised. But this time he was mildly inconvenienced (after all the beskar plate protected his foot, like it was intended to) and he clearly didn’t like that.

He’d hopped around a little bit and dropped a pile of absorbent sheets on Grogu’s head and then sat back down and tried to get the door’s controller to respond to proper commands, then he muttered something about the timing of the incident being poorly planned. 

Grogu had no idea what the bounty hunter was carrying on about. No one planned to spill hot broth on themselves or the door control panel. It wasn’t a nefarious plot to slightly inconvenience his dad while they were in hyperspace and had nothing better to do. It was an accident. Plain and simple. 

“It was avoidable.”

Din Djarin’s voice had the same tone and cadence as Morgan Elsbeth’s had when she told them ‘A Jedi plagues me’. No wonder Grogu thought about her! 

His dad was upset about something that had nothing to do with the actual incident. He was blaming Grogu for something he had no way to know about and no way to fix. Just like those poor people on Corvus had no way to help the Magistrate with whatever problem she wanted solved. But they still had to pay the price, just like Grogu.

“Accident.” Grogu asserted his own authority. Of course what the Mandalorian heard was coo, chirp, grumble. 

“I know buddy, but now you need a bath, we’re fresh out of broth, and I have to fix the door before we can do either one of them, which means no Diggle and Daggle vid. We don’t have the time now.”

Grogu sighed. He misjudged Din Djarin. He wasn’t being a mean, heartless, evil supporter of a the fallen empire. He was just being a dad. Sometimes it was just so easy to get the two of them confused. 

[alasmydearatlas]

gah arg sometimes i’m not sure but i feel uncomfy occasionally in regards to my gender

Its not like super big or like this huge life overtaking desire to be a boy

And it’s wrapped up in the way we percive femininity and women and how awful it is to be a woman sometimes

I think thats where it maybe comes from as i type that it

I don’t want to be a man and i don’t feel like a man but i don’t want to be a woman

Its heartbreaking and hard and so much effort all the tim e

And maybe i think to much

But sometimes i see trans tiktoks or like ig reels and i’m like hmmmm relatable

But also those r small videos ab like smaller topics

Also they’re often really hot

Maybe too its linked to my hair and i’m like maybe i wouldnt feel so ugly if i were a boy

Which again

Part of why i feel so unattractive w my hair is bc thats such an important part of womanhood socially

Is long beautiful hair

Also the idea that i’m not a girl w a straight bf is so so scary and the idea of losing him or even telling him is terrifying

Maybe one day

Once I’ve figured it out a bit more maybe

I don’t know how he would react

Probably confused and patient and kind and loving and looking for more elaboration

Bc hes just good like that

But still i’m scared

Its scary

Also i miss him so much

I miss talking w him too

I’m excited for sunday

I’m also just excited to go home

And curl up in his bed

And go critter mode

Tehehehe

just wanna feel tiny and taken care of and loved and protected