#atypical did it well too and honestly same mood

[booasaur]

Crush (2022)

[leafostuff]

A tale of a Bunny and Owl (Ft. Kep1er's Chaehyun) [Part 1/2]

So this is me Re releasing "The simple things" which i uploaded a while ago, i basically added some stuff and did some changes, hope you will have re reading it

Warning: Mentions of suicide and self harm, be careful

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The evening came around and you are already on your 8th bag of Doritos, Netflix was running as a background music to your constant thoughts, not having much attention the content to the show itself. Your parent left you just yesterday for a vacation, not even thinking about inviting you as well but its not like the really cared, at least they were kind enough to let your teachers give you a small break to recover from your sickness, and now finally being free from everyone it seemed like the perfect day to end it, unnoticed and unbothered

You couldn't really remember when this phase of you started, and honestly you didn't even think there was a clear moment that made you feel this way. A bunch of moments through middle school which resulted in your high school life to end up broken as some people would say, making it so you couldn't really enjoy stuff any more like video games or hanging out with your friends, always reassuring them that you are fine and you were just in a bad mood today, however there was always one friend who didn't buy your stuff.

You hear a soft knock on the door that almost resembled a song of sort, you didn't bother much of checking who it was, but luckily the door opened by itself, not really caring about forgetting to lock the door as a head with pink hair popped through the crack of the door, like a bunny checking the area to see if it's safe from any predators.

“Hey….it's me” Chaehyun said in a soft tone, as she found you sitting on the couch. “You feeling well? I heard that you were sick from the teacher so I decided to come in for a visit” she asked as you didn't really want to talk, so you simply nodded. she entered the living room and turned on the lights, god the light was too strong for your eyes, making

“Oh wow…I just noticed the amount of snacks you have, well don't worry, because Chaehyun, the queen of sweets is here!” she said cheerfully as she took her bag and took out a box inside it. She then opened the box and there were a couple cookies, not something to complex, just the classic chocolate chips type of cookies, the smell sure did try to allure you to eat them.

 “Ta daaaaa! What do you think? I made those myself, you can feel free to take some” she said as she handed you the box.

“Thanks, I will eat it later” you bowed to thank her as you put the cookie box to the side of you as you were back to focusing on the Netflix series, Chaehyun suddenly sat next to you, joining you in watching the series.

“What are we watching?” she asked as she nudges closer, making your shoulders touch each other.

“Uhh…Atypical, you have seen it?” you asked her as she just shook her, “i don't know, it's like a nice show” you added, in full honesty: you had no idea what it was about, it was the first that popped up in your home page. Suddenly you feel her touching your hands.

her hand traced around yours, as she rubbed your palm slowly, feeling the fresh cut that was still there, “what happened to your hand?” she asked tilting her face ever so cutely, but in the same time it felt like you were on an electric chair, one wrong answer and you will surely be done for

“Kitchen accident” you quickly blurted out as quickly as possible. “I tried to make some sandwiches today and by accident i cutted my hand” you explained, hopefully she will take the explanation as after a few seconds she smiled, “thank god” you thought to yourself as she left your hand

“Well how about you let me treat it for you, the band-aids are in the kitchen right?” she asked while standing up from the sofa and walked toward the kitchen, you nodded and didn't give much thought about it when suddenly….

“Oh shit” you realized she maybe will find the knife you used to cut yourself, you rushed toward the kitchen, but it was already too late, Chaehyun was leaning her self on the kitchen sink, holding the knife in her hand as she looked at it.

“Blood….and freshly new” she murmured as she inched closer and closer to you and held your sleeve, shoving it away only to see the worst that she could've expected “full of cuts…” she said as you could feel her curse under her breath, as she moved away and for the first time she looked…mad?

“Listen chae….its-”

*SLAP*

The entire world stopped, frozen by the god of time himself, you could feel how the sound of slap rippled from your cheek all the way to your entire body and ending your ears, you had your hand on your right cheek, hoping it will ease but it didn't, because pain like that was only physical, Chaehyun seemed even more furious than before.

“Shut the fuck up… d-don't think i am dumb and don’t know what is this” this has caught off guard, this was the first time you've seen Chaehyun curse like that “don't tell me…” she asked as you looked away, embarrassed she finally caught you.

“b-but why? you have so mu-mu-much to live fo-for” she stuttered as tears started to form in her eyes.

“....” you couldn't speak.

“WHAT? BECAUSE YOU FEEL LIKE NO ONE CARES FOR YOU?! THAT IS NOT TRUE, WHAT ABOUT YOUR PARENTS?! WHAT ABOUT YOUR F-FRIENDS, WHAT AB-ABOUT M-M-M” finally she couldn't hold her tears anymore as finally she just lunged in and hugged you, completely thrown off guard as her hands got around your back and her face is on your chest, crying her heart out like never before, usually Chaehyun’s faces were usually between happy or pouting, but seeing her crying like that… it hurts you, more than you will believe it should. 

“Please…p-promise me your *sniff* won’t end it all, y-you have to… please?” she looked up at your eyes, tears still stuck in her eyes as you took a deep sigh and nodded. You almost thought it was for show, like your parents, but her tears felt so real as you could almost feel it flowing on your shirt

“I…will think about it” you reply, not finding any other way to get around her words, you hope those words will stop her crying.

In response Chaehyun’s face turned 180, back to the usually cheerful and bubbly girl she always use, her tears flew down again but now they were of happiness, knowing you will not leave her, “for her” you thought to yourself as you were joining Chaehyun in the embrace when suddenly…

*growl*

Both of your faces suddenly gain shades of pink as they turn away since you could hear not only your own but her tummy rumbling as well. “heh…uhh what about some pizza?” she asked, her face a bit red from the awkward situation as you nodded.

Once the pizza arrived, you had one of the deepest conversations you ever had, talking about whatever came to mind. From as basic things such as  “what topping belongs to pizza” which you couldn't agree on if pineapples should be on pizza or not to the point the two of you called your friends for help on deciding who will win this debate, when suddenly one topic began to float in your conversation between the two of you. It was bothering you for a while. Not even your parents stopped, why was she here?

“Chaehyun….why do you care?” your question caught her off guard, making giggle lightly as she looked at you

“What do you mean? im your friend, that is what friends do right?” now the arrow of question is directed toward you.

“Well…i mean like: why do you care about my depression, it's not like you had it yourself or something, so i doubt you understand it” you reply, you didn't mean to sound rude however Chaehyun simply giggled as she pushed away her sleeve, revealing cuts, similar to yours.

“I uhh…got those in middle school, years of being in that state of mind of….not wanting to live  anymore so that is what i did, i had depressive thoughts all day, and i will cut myself from time to time” she said as she scooted closer to you, showing how some cuts are starting to become less visible “but look…it's almost fully healed, it takes time and sometimes i get those thoughts again...but i know i have people that truly care about me and will help me get over it” she said, looking into your eyes, “is she talking about me?” you couldn't help but ask yourself, however there was one question that was still on your mind. waiting to be answered.

“How did i deal with it?” this was the question that left Chaehyun hanging as she focused on the answer seriously. “Well…i think the most important thing i did to start my journey to cure my depression is telling my parents and friends, as much as you think they won't care if you share burden, only the people who truly who care about will stay” she smiled as the answer came to her mind, remembering the path she was in as well,“ the journey regardless of what is it about its always better to do it together, don't you think so?” she said with a cute smile.

“Yeah…i guess you are right” you replied as you look at the clock, seeing it was 12:30 AM, realizing how long the both of you were talking “uhh i think we should go to sleep now right?”

you asked her as she nodded

“Correct, having a good sleeping schedule it also helps in stuff like this” she said as Chaehyun closed out and was on her way to leave the room

“Wait!” you stopped before leaving, causing her to return to the room.

“Yeah? is everything good?” she asked

“Well i was uhh….thinking if you could….i don't know…” you couldn't really find the correct words to say to not make the situation awkward which caused her to laugh, and as if she read your mind like Dr. strange  she hops into the mattress and scoots herself near you, putting her hands around your back, embracing and pulling your face close to her.

“Don't worry, everything will be alright, how about you lose yourself in the dream world, while i will guard your body in this world, deal?” she whispered ever so cutely as you simply smiled at her, you could swear with how she talked it sounded like a sleep comfort sleep, made just for you.

“Goodnight Oppa” she simply said as her eyes closed, starting to slowly fall asleep, you swore she looks like a cute bunny with her sleeping face, all she needed was a bunny headband and a cute tail, and you would never find a difference between Chaehyun and an actual bunny.

30 minutes later your mind still struggled  to enter sleep mode, and you didn't want to stay awake all night, giving you no choice but waking her up, fortunately Chaehyun was a soft sleeper so after one tap on her nose she woke up, looking at you with a soft smile.

“Can't sleep?” she asked as you nodded, causing her to giggle ever so cutely, “want me to hum some songs to sleep?” another question comes as you nodded, another giggle comes as she goes a bit up so she could have her face near your ear as she started humming, some songs you recognize as K-pop and some were not, however it didn't take too long for you to finally fall asleep, you could hear faint sounds of her whispering in your ear something you couldn’t comprehend as you could feel her face nuzzling your chest, making you smile in response as the two of you finally drifted off to sleep. knowing you finally have something to wake up to in the morning: a cute bunny named Chaehyun.

~-~-~

Once upon a time there was a bunny, which was loved by everyone in the forest and had many friends, everywhere she hopped the world seemed to shine just a tad bit brighter, everyday she will roam around the forest and look for berries and bring food to the entire forest population. 

One night the bunny found herself in the dark side of the forest, fully alone as she was trying to find her way home, suddenly her ears could hear a soft sob, as the bunny looked around to see where the origin of the voice came from she found an owl, sitting all by himself on the treetop looking at the forest creatures.

As the bunny climbed up the tree she sat near the crying owl on the tree she asks why is he crying, the owl sighed and explains how he is constant worry of everything, from the tree that is going to rot sooner or later to the fox that constantly wants him for dinner, he also explained how this life full of worrying is making him sad, not wanting to live like this anymore.

However, the bunny simply smiled and talked with the owl in order to relax him and agreed to be his first friend in the forest, not aware how deep this friendship will go. From that day onward the owl and the bunny became friends, in goal for the bunny to help the owl to let go of the worries and finally a happy life.

“WOW, another personal best” Chaehyun said, clapping her hands happy to see you get better with each game, however after playing Mario Kart for over 3 years, you were more than skilled in the game, Chaehyun herself wasn't that good with her best placing in races being 8th place, but her smile still carried on because as long as its time with you, she would don't mind a last place.

It has been a month ever since that night you planned to end your life and you could confidently say: Chaehyun changed your life for the better, all starting with your daily schedule that finally started to look better, with every afternoon being spent with Chaehyun, for people looking from the side, those meetings might as well be called dates, but the both of you knew it was just a hangout, there was nothing more between the two of you.

With the help of Chaehyun you also finally had the courage to tell your friends after finally coming back to school, as just as Chaehyun expected your friend group simply rushed in and hugged you, letting you know you were important to them as you could Chaehyun could simply just look at you with an “i told you” face, you rolled your eyes as she joined the hug as well.

Chaehyun was the bunny, you knew just her being around you made your day shine brighter, she taught you love, and how to look at the simpler things and enjoy every moment like it will be your last moment of your life however in return there wasn't much you did, just like the fable of the bunny and the owl. you had to find the perfect way to return the favor, when suddenly…

“Hey oppa…do you remember what day is today” Chaehyun asked as the two of you were walking out of the arcade with a Bunny plushie in her right hand, “was there an important day today? it's her birthday? or is-” many thoughts came at this very moment, trying to remember-

*Flick*

“Oppa you are thinking too much, today is our 1 month friendship anniversary”

Oh right… you forgot about it, maybe celebrating the day you almost planned to die isn't one of the most fun things to do, but it was also the start of a friendship that made you better in every way possible.

“Wait…i needed to buy a gift or something” you asked, because it would be really awkward if you forgot it, in reaction Chaehyun just pouted and looked away angrily

“Oppa really forgot about this special day and didn't even bring a gift? what a shame honestly” her teasing never seem to not make you smile as after a second or two her smile grew back. “I'm joking, i wouldn't really be mad if you didn't got me a present, because i already got one of the most important presents from you” she added with a small giggle

“And let me guess: it's our friendship or something cheesy like that right?” you asked as Chaehyun just laughed from your stupid joke. “I swear to god hyuni: sometimes you are a bit too much” you simply said as suddenly Chaehyun froze, her face looked surprised/

“Shit, did i say something wrong?” you thought to yourself as you could see some tears shedding from her eyes “Uhh i am sorry if i called you that way, if you want i can still call-”

“No…It's ok i uhh i liked that nickname…its cute” she explained simply as she held your hand, thank god she didn't hate this nickname, the two of you were walking slowly down the road, almost getting to your house “Oppa…” she turned at you slowly as a smile grew on her face.

“hmm…yeah? is everything good?” you asked.

“Can...can i call you Owl-ie?” she asked as confusement grew on your face, not knowing how to explain what she just said

“uhh Owl-ie?” you asked her, tilting your head.

“Y-yeah, i mean… you look a bit like an Owl in my eyes, and i think its a cute name no?” she explained as you couldn't help but smile, she was really just a small bunny in your life that made every day a sunshine.

“Uhhh sure, i don't see why not” you reply as the bunny jumped in excitement and hugged you

“Well i need to go, thank you for this awesome day” she said as without any warning, a small peck was touching your cheek, both of your faces were covered in pink shades as Chaehyun didn't say a word and just left, leaving you in front of your house, shocked at the events that just occurred, feeling your right cheek where Chaehyun left her peck.

A small smile just grew on your face as you entered your house.

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So as you seen, there will be a part 2 for this oneshot, but it will take some time before i write it, so i guess see yall next update

Edit: added a Keep reading thingy

[catboyantichrist]

Hi there! Can you please do relationship headcanons of a gender neutral MC with autism and ADHD dating the seven brothers? I’d love to see more positive writing of a neurodivergent MC and how each of the brothers would love and respect them regardless of their disabilities. Feel free to do this if you want to. If not, that’s ok! Have a great day! 😁👍🌷🌹🌺🌸🌼🌻🌷🌹🌻🌼🌸🌺

This ask literally made me squeal- my neurodivergent ass is gonna have way too much fun with this- LMAO Just a warning, I'm basing this mainly off of my personal experiences (I have ADHD and am possibly getting tested for atypical autism in the future.). Ill try to be as broad as possible but I'd just like to give a heads up.

Just know that if you don't relate to this post or something in it, that doesn't mean you aren't valid! Everyone experiences neurodivergencey differently ^^

☆The Brothers Dating A GN!MC With Autism & ADHD☆

Day-to-day life has always been a struggle. As it feels like no human truly understands why you function the way you do. From bosses, to teachers, to neurotypical friends. Life can feel draining and like a chore when you're living in a world that doesn't function the way you do.

Then your world literally changes. You're in the devildom now. Most people would be terrified that they're living in a house full of demons. But you weren't. You felt like you finally belonged, and eventually you finally found love. Something that people assumed you'd never be able to find. Well jokes on them because your lover treats you with so much respect and kindness, and of course you do the same. This is some of what your lover does that just makes your heart spin:

Lucifer:

-Much to your dismay, before Lucifer started to get to know you he was similar to the humans you've encountered in the past. This doesn't last long though as one of the brothers (most likely Leviathan or Mammon) try to explain. He begins to go a bit easier on you, and also falls for you.

-When you guys start dating, he makes it his goal to help make your day-to-day life easier. Dare I say, he takes pride in it. (Hahahah aren't I funny?)

-He notices how you need a schedule to function, but how much you hate schedules. So with your permission, he makes a loose schedule and follows it WITH you. It simultaneously helps you function more than usual, and it helps Lucifer take breaks when he needs to.

-You two begin to do everything together, as doing stuff together and holding each other accountable is a lot easier than doing it alone

-If someone ever dares to make a rude comment about you Lucifer will um... "take care of them".

-If you ever get overstimulated from the environment you're in, Lucifer keeps his office wide open as a quiet place for you. He keeps a weighted blanket, some headphones and any stim toys you usually use in a corner of his office. If you're not comfortable with them out in the open he'll keep them in a special box somewhere in his office that others can't get into.

Mammon:

-Executive Dysfunction gang! The both of you are relieved that you understand each other and some dumbass wont just go "jUsT gEt Up aNd dO iT!"

-If you guys are struggling with it at different times, you'll try to help each other do small tasks that require very limited effort so that one of you don't get overwhelmed and stressed out. If its a particularly difficult day, you'll just stay there to support the other if they want that.

-If both of you are struggling that day, you do nothing ✨together✨ and just vibe with each others company.

-This man brings you shiny things. They don't even have to be worth anything, they're just shiny. You proceed to do the same. You two now have a designated spot for shiny things you bring each other. If you have an interest in art, you and him will probably end up using the shiny objects as art projects.

-A LOT of impulse shopping. You guys enable each other. Although you quickly realize that you impulse shop for each other. Every second day you end up bringing each other gifts and laughing about it after.

Leviathan:

-Y'know that arm thing two neurodivergent people do when they find out that the other person is neurodivergent? Yeah you two did that. And still continue to do that. It's your greeting now.

-You two spend tons of time either cuddling and talking about your special interests together, or both of you are pacing around Levi's room talking about your special interests together.

-And if you end up having the same special interest?? Oh man the serotonin you two both get just being AROUND each other.

-If you have a hard time around tons of people (in general or just at certain times) he's more than willing to share his room with you and for you two to do online school together. I mean hey, doing school by yourself online is difficult. (Even if it's more comfortable for you both)

-Will he get you a matching pair of noise cancelling headphones if you have auditory sensory issues, or if you just like the pressure on your head. (I don't know if that's a neurodivergent thing but I will wear my headphones just so that I feel some sort of pressure on my head)

-You both communicate what you need, and whether you need alone time or not. Making sure not to trigger any form of rejection sensitivity dysphoria for eachother.

Satan:

-If you were one of those neurodivergent kids that spent all of their time in the library, going through books like wildfire in middle school, get ready for that to be reignited.

-You two will read together all the time, and if you're having a day where you're more fidgety and don't wanna stay still, Satan is more than happy reading to you while you pace around.

-Satan has a natural curiosity, and loves to learn about anything that he doesn't already know about. So if you have a special interest about your own neurodivergency, he is more than happy to listen to you ramble about your life experiences and symptoms.

-Honestly, it doesn't even have to be about neurodivergency, Satan is happy to listen and learn about anything you're interested currently.

-If you aren't big on physical affection from humans or, well... humanoid people, that's perfectly fine! That's what animals are for! He'll take you to a cat cafe and will enjoy spending time with the animals with you.

-Similar to Lucifer, if anyone makes a comment about the way you act, they wont live to see another day. Unlike Lucifer, the demons who say these comments don't even finish their sentence. They're dead before MC blinks.

Asmodeus:

-When Asmodeus finds out that you have sensory issues that affect what you wear, he decides to hand-make clothes with fabrics of your choice. He has no issue with you prioritizing comfort over appearance, but if you want to put effort into your appearance and texture is stopping you, he's more than happy to design some stuff for you.

-Asmodeus has always been a touchy person, but if you aren't comfortable with that he'd never force you to cuddle. If you are interested in physical affection one of his favourite things to do is put makeup on your face, or just touch your face.

-Speaking of which, if you ever impulsively cut your hair whether it be from breakdown, normal impulsivity, or sensory issues with your hair being longer. He'll always help you cut your hair. He wants to make sure that once you cut it, you wont regret it the next day.

-Depending on whether you like going outside or not (or if its depending on the day) he's more than happy to take you to the fall! He'll make sure you're always comfortable and if you need the attention diverted from you if you need a break!

-If you don't like going outside, Asmo will dedicate certain nights for just you two to hang out. He can always energy match you. Hyperactive? Oh he's right there with you bouncing of the walls. Calmer? He doesn't mind just vibing with you. Comfort? Oh you've come to the right guy.

-Asmodeus is very emotionally intelligent, it may have originally been for the wrong purposes (charming others) but now he can use it to help you work through issues with socializing with others, past traumas from other people, he'll always do his best to support you as long as you'd do the same for him!

Beelzebub:

-Beel is always well meaning, but whether you're neurodivergent or neurotypical, communication is key with him. So, if you're unintentionally blunt to neurotypical people, that's exactly what Beel needs and wants. He knows you don't mean it out of harm, you're just trying to state your boundaries.

-Do you need a weighted blanket? This man will become the weighted blanket. He wants to make sure you're comfortable at all times!

-If you have trouble eating, Beel is here to help. If you take meds for ADHD and they make you lose your appetite, or just general forgetfulness, he'll remind you to have at least some sort of small snack throughout the day. Nothing too filling, just enough so that you aren't running on zero food throughout the day.

-All the go-to and comfort foods that you had in the human world? Beel would make it his MISSION to get them, and TONS of it too. It's the only food in the house he wont eat because he knows how important it is to you. He will tear up a bit if you offer to share though.

-If you're in a hyperactive mood, or anxious, Beel will convince you to do some light exercise with him to help calm you down

Belphegor:

-If you have trouble sleeping, Belphie will definitely try and help. Ranging from cuddling, aroma therapy, getting Beel to do exercise with you. To more magical means (if you're comfortable with it) like sleeping powder.

-If you just have a different internal clock than the average person, that's fine too! It may be permanent but that's okay- Belphie will sleep at any time with you.

-Isn't generally a social person so if you're not that big of a fan of social interaction you don't have to worry. Belphie would even do online school with you!

-He would let you use his pillows and blankets to stim if that's something you're interested in. He'd also listen to you ramble about your interests while doing so! As long as you don't mind him talking about the stars afterwards.

-Definitely the most blunt out of his brothers, so communication wouldn't be an issue between you two. If his bluntness is a bit too harsh for you he'll try to tone it down a bit, but it would probably just end up as him trying to explain the reasoning behind the bluntness and how it's not out of harm.

[ellocentipede]

Sihaya & Co. Candles--2021 Autumn Collection

I used to love burning candles, but for the past decade I haven't used any because I had a pet bird. <3 I've heard great things about Sihaya & Co., and I wanted to get into the snuggly autumnal mood, so I went a little overboard this year. Honestly I first bought only about half of the collection, but I was so impressed with them that I decided to buy the rest...and also I wanted to review them all (for science!). Let my fiscal irresponsibility help you to choose a scent that's right for you! It's going to take me awhile to burn through all of these, so I'll come back and update my reviews as I burn them.

Lamplight Burning Low

Scent description: A candle for the aspiring writer or the voracious reader. The perfect autumn evening curled up and lost in reverie.

Top layer: The perfect London Fog. Steaming hot Earl Grey tea with a dollop of vanilla cream. Middle layer: A cozy library brimming with antique books. Notes of leather, polished woods, and parchment. Bottom layer: a softly crackling fireplace with a subtle note of spiced pumpkin.

These tiered candles are gorgeous! I couldn't pass this one up, as it sounds (and looks!) delightfully cozy. There is little better than reading a good book with a cup of hot tea on a gloomy day. Since I haven't melted this one yet, I only smell the top layer, which is the London Fog scent. I love this one so much that I immediately purchased it in the full glass tumbler. It does smell like Earl Grey tea with a fine vanilla musk! The bergamot note is lovely, and combined with the tea makes for a very elegant scent that will be suitable for any time of year.

Mist & Bramble

Scent description: A journey through a mystical, mist-filled woodland as day turns to night. Top layer: The mist rises in the early morning. Berries, sage, and spice combine with the blond wood of cedar and aspen leaves upon the forest floor. Middle layer: A cabin is reached deep in the heart of the forest. A crackling hearth is laid with aromatic wood, mingling with the faint scent of vanilla and warm amber. Bottom layer: Evening descends, and the mists again rise. You settle in for the night amidst the scent of apple and cinnamon, cooling embers, and a gentle musk.

Mist & Bramble is another beauty! This is the first candle that I chose to burn, because it's so very pretty, and also because I thought the scent would be a nice scent to transition from summer to autumn. It's a lovely subtle and misty berry scent. When unlit, it smells a little cool--like a cool, morning mist. When burning, however, it really blooms and begins to smell magical. It's still misty and a little cool, but the flame brings a lovely warmth to the blend. I smell dry, silvery, oak branches and very subtle berries. I've burned this one for about 3 hours a night for maybe seven total nights, and I'm onto the middle layer of scent, which is just as lovely as the first. I do smell a warm and crackling fire along with the mist, dry woods, and light berries. I will note that this candle is burning beautifully. I've been trimming the wick before each burn, and allowing it to burn for about three hours at a time, and I have experienced no tunneling. The pool is even and spans nearly the entire candle.

Autumn Glory

Scent description: Soft cashmere, toasted vanilla, nutmeg, ginger, amber, tonka bean, and a gentle hint of polished leather.

Autumn Glory is the perfect pumpkin spice blend candle to my nose! It's neither too sweet nor too spicy, but is smooth and snuggly-- basically the perfect typical autumnal candle. This smells much the same when burning, but is extra warm and snuggly!

Ember & Mallow

Scent description: Vanilla marshmallows toasted over a smoky Autumn bonfire.

Oh heavens. I'll admit that this one sounded a little basic/foodie to me, and I at first skipped ordering it. Ember & Mallow is stunning, however. It is the perfect scent of a crackling fire on a cold night in the woods (unlocking some major happy memories from my girl scout days), with just the tiniest hint of floofy sweetness from the marshmallows. This is all about the crackling fire, and it's glorious and atmospheric.

Equinox Reborn

Scent description: Softly falling leaves pair perfectly with a mug of hot apple cider spiced with clove and ginger.

I very nearly did not purchase this one because I don't have a good track record with apple scents, but I was lured in by the falling leaves. I'm glad that I ordered it, because it may be my favorite of the collection! Equinox Reborn is another perfectly autumnal scent. It smells just like hot apple cider, which is a seasonal favorite of mine! The spices are potent, but not overwhelming. I don't speceifically smell the leaves, but there's a soft fuzziness around the edges that may be attributed to their presence. I'm really looking forward to burning this one!

London Fog

Scent description: The perfect drink for a drizzly, gray day. Steaming hot Earl Grey tea with a dollop of vanilla cream.

This is the same scent as the top layer of Lamplight Burning Low, so I'll just copy and paste here! London Fog smells like Earl Grey tea with a fine vanilla musk. The bergamot note is lovely, and combined with the tea makes for a very elegant scent that will be suitable for any time of year.

Persephone Descending

Scent description: Pomegranate, cranberry, and just a touch of dragon's blood to soften the edges.

Okay, this is the perfect autumnal berry blend. It's rich, tart, and juicy all at once. The pomegranate and cranberry combine in such a way as to resemble those super fancy currant candles that were popular years back (made by Votivo or Diptyque maybe? I had the knockoff Williams Sonoma brand version and I loved it!). If I think about it, I can pick out a rich, sweet resin tying everything together, but this is all about the berry. This candle would also be perfect for the holidays!

Sacred Autumn

Scent description: A magical blend of golden amber, pumpkin, sandalwood, and sweetened incense smoke.

Sacred Autumn is stunning! It's a beautiful, non-spicy pumpkin blend. It's so well-blended that it's hard to pick out individual notes, but it's definitely a resins and woods blend with autumnal foodie botanicals (I smell the fresh, sweet pumpkin and also something that I swear smells like acorns!). This is gorgeous and I'm very much looking forward to seeing how it transforms when burned!

Samhain Dusk

Scent description: Dry amber, cassia, clove, the smoke of distant bonfires, and the faintest breath of orange peel.

Samhain Dusk rivals Equinox Reborn for favorite scent of the collection. It's a perfectly moody and atmospheric scent that does evoke nightfall in autumn! It's dry and fragrant with smoldering, smoking woods and resins, and a zesty nip of citrus. A beautiful, haunting, and atypical blend.

Secret Society

Scent description: Leatherbound books, rich mahogany and teak woods, smooth bourbon, and a crackling fireplace.

This smells like a mahogany-paneled fancy smoking parlor in a Victorian mansion! Polished dark woods mingle with a smooth, luxurious leather and sharp bourbon and cigar smoke. I imagine this one will transform when burned, so I'm looking forward to trying it!

Sihaya & Co. candles may be found at https://sihayaandcompany.com/

[elkian]

SURPRISE I bet you thought I was done talking about Mulan 2! But no, I have had time to percolate.

[further bolding for reading aid]

Some thoughts I had about the couples:

General start note, “spare the pairs/everyone pairs up” arcs can be super painful, but since it was the crux of the movie some thought was put into it and honestly for a het pairup arc it did really well! These things can sometimes be excruciating and I applaud how well it turned out.

Okay!

So back in Girl Worth Fighting For and it’s legit great reprise in 2, we’ve got the following.

Yao wants a girl who “marvels at [his] strength”, scars, etc. Someone who thinks he’s a superman! Yao also is consistently, between both movies, actually a pretty good guy and great friend once he drops the toxically masculine fixation on strength and performative stuff.

Yao ends up with Mei, whose very first description of him is “a big cuddly panda bear”. Performative!Yao would probably favor the gorilla remark just because it takes his muscles into account. Mei doesn’t care that he’s strong. She doesn’t hate it, but it’s not a draw, either!

And when the carriage crashes, there’s a scene with Mei walking to shore, supporting Yao and instructing him how to swim! (and he thanks her). In fact, I don’t think there’s a single part with Yao showing off his strength and Mei getting impressed with it. There’s even the bit with the bandit attack where he can’t go after her, because Shang told him to stay back and guard the rest while Shang and Mulan do the rescue.

This is really atypical in storytelling, especially a romantic setup like this! But I think it lend a level of depth to the movie, for Yao not to get to rescue her like that.

Mei also notes that Yao must be sweet on the inside (possibly very deep down). And as seen in both movies, and following her comment, Yao is being sweet, setting up snacks for the party/princesses (and being a big goof through it when she surprises him). He’s also decent if not sweet-sweet in 1, with the mountain scenes both preceding and following the avalanche. (Yao is the one who insists they help the wayward Ping, after all!)

So Yao, instead of a girl who’s impressed with his muscles, ends up with Mei, who finds him sweet and charming and cuddly, and in fact helps impart an important (athletic) skill to him. We see a little less of how Yao makes Mei happy, but he is sweet with her.

Next up, Chin Po and Su! Chin Po’s ‘girl worth fighting for’ in both songs is focused around a girl who cooks for him.

However, I don’t think we see Su ever actually cooking (I somehow doubt it would be a skill princesses are expected to learn). What we do see is Su eating. Su likes food about as much as Chin Po! Her romance with him (which I think has the least fleshing out of them, neither get all that much screen time, but w/e) starts with her picking fruit. Then at the festival, she’s constantly meeting his commentary about food pairings! Her primary contribution to the I Wanna Be Like Other Girls song is “eat a whole cake! with frosting!”, too.

Essentially, Chin Po ends up with someone he can enjoy food WITH, rather than a short-order cook. And while they again get very limited screen time, I bet Su appreciates that he doesn’t care if she DOES want to eat a whole cake. Probably finds it impressive tbh!

Lastly,

Ling and Ting-Ting.

This is a bit of an interesting one (and kind of the focus, I think; Mei starts it, Su pads the middle, and Ting-Ting brings it home?).

Ling has the biggest change, of sorts, between the Girls Worth Fighting For. The first one specifies only that she be conventionally pretty and find him impressive. The second one specifies that she find him funny. This is useful just for more detailing, as it gives us more of a springboard than his first one did, while Yao and Chin Po were already ready to go.

Ling spends quite a lot of time trying to get Ting-Ting to laugh.

(I want to note that even before he succeeded, while he believed she thought he was just annoying, he was still legit concerned when she got stuck in the carriage. This isn’t that impressive irl maybe but in a movie, esp after a setup like this, it wouldn’t be terribly surprising for the male character to not only not care but be framed as justified in it. It’s not even a matter of doing his job as far as I can tell, he’s just worried.)

Back to Ling: Ting-Ting looks to be dying of embarrassment, which like, mood. But it turns out she’s embarrassed about her ‘ungainly’ laugh, probably having been scolded for it in the past. But Ling likes her laugh! He never seems to find it gross or embarrassing at any turn. And when Ling says he thought she didn’t have a sense of humor, Ting-Ting counters by pulling the same chopstick-in-the-nose schtick that Ling showed off in the reprise.

instead of a girl who’s merely impressed by him, Ling meets a girl who is just as funny as him. He makes it clear that this is a positive in the canyon scene where it’s part of his praise for her.

In summary, and in interesting contrast to the “opposites attract” theme of Mulan and Shang’s romance, the ‘girls worth fighting for’ that the soldier trio meet and fall for are the opposite of the “perfect women“ they envisioned, and this is framed as a good thing - that instead of merely reactive counterparts, they meet with people who share their interests (at least for Su and Ting-Ting!).

This is an especially fascinating lesson and story arc for the time period and in general (apparently Disney sequels are sometimes quite good with unconventional love stories). I think on the whole it was handled really well, and feels satisfying and organic.

[southsidestory]

you have bipolar disorder? how did you get to that conclusion? did you go to a doctor? i don’t want to self diagnose but i’ve read up on it a lot and it seems like my grandfather, father, and i have it. its made life super difficult. I even stopped writing ff bc when i posted, people wouldn’t understand how depressive episode make you not want to do anything for literal months at a time and would berate me for not updating 1/2

2/2 and my family is Mexican so they believe that mental illness is an American Thing, so i cant really go to them for help, and i wouldn’t even know where to begin with a doctor. what was your experience with it?

I did go to a psychiatrist, yes, but I had been experiencing symptoms since I was 12. I was 26 when I was finally correctly diagnosed. Before that I’d been misdiagnosed with MDD (major depressive disorder) and put on a cocktail of meds that mostly made me worse. Being correctly diagnosed is hugely important, and I highly recommend that someone see a psychiatrist rather than self diagnosing. 

But. Not everyone has the privilege of easy access to a psychiatrist, and it sounds like you’re in that category. And I can say from personal experience that I knew I was bipolar before I was diagnosed, because it runs in my family and my symptoms were astoundingly obvious by that point. Since you asked, I’ll tell you about my experience.

As I said, I started experiencing bipolar symptoms when I was a kid. I also have PTSD and GAD, and my anxiety has been with me all my life, but my depression started when I was 12. A nurse practitioner put me on the antidepressant Lexapro, which made me worse--because antidepressants don’t work for bipolar people. Our brains aren’t wired for it. So I quit taking Lexapro and didn’t attempt to treat my mental illness with medicine for the next ten years. 

I also started having hypomanic episodes as a young teenager, but I didn’t recognize them for what they were. I wouldn’t sleep for days and I’d be highly productive and feel great, so why would I complain about that or think it’s a problem? But the longer I went untreated the more severe my episodes became and the longer they lasted, and by the time I hit my 20s I was in a really bad place. Depressed 85% of the time, hypomanic 10% (although I didn’t know that’s what it was), and “normal” about 5%. My depressive episodes often lasted for months at a time, briefly broken by a week or two of hypomania, after which I’d plummet right back into depression.

I went to a psychiatric nurse practitioner when I was 22. He assumed I was depressed and put me on antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds. That mostly made me worse. The only thing that ever really worked was Abilify, which is an atypical antipsychotic shockingly used to treat bipolar disorder. That really should have been a fucking clue, but I went improperly diagnosed for another four years.

Being on a cocktail of the wrong meds made me worse, which led me to stop taking my meds cold turkey, which is always a bad idea. In April 2016 I had a horrible mixed episode, although I didn’t understand what it was then. For those who don’t know, a mixed episode is when someone is manic and depressed at the same time, and it’s pure hell. During my episode, I broke up with my partner right before our first wedding anniversary, quit my job, and almost committed suicide. (Then I moved back home and my mom promptly died, but that’s a whole ‘nother can of worms.)

Fortunately my partner and I got back together, and they helped me figure out what was going on. They’re also bipolar, but unlike me they were diagnosed as a kid, and our symptoms presented differently so that’s probably why neither of us saw it for a long time.

I finally saw a psychiatrist at the beginning of 2017, and I went in already knowing what I was going to hear. My mom had been diagnosed with bipolar disorder a couple of years before she died, so I knew it ran in my family. My symptoms had worsened significantly and my hypomania had finally become so distinct and unhealthy that it couldn’t be overlooked anymore.

None of my previous health care providers had ever asked me, “What do you feel like when you’re at your happiest?” If they had, it would have probably been obvious that I suffer from bipolar disorder, not unipolar depression. Because my “happiest” looks like extreme periods of creative productivity, days or weeks of insomnia, and some very bad decision making lol. Usually followed by a crash landing back into depression.

So I guess that’s my question for you. What do you feel like when you’re at your happiest? If your “up” periods sound like hypomania or mania, which I’m sure you’ve read about, then yeah there’s a good chance you’re bipolar. :/

And if you are bipolar, I cannot stress enough how important it is to get proper medication. I don’t want to scare you, but something like 20% of bipolar people die from committing suicide. And those are just the successful ones; the number who attempt, sometimes multiple times, is much higher. This is an extremely dangerous, disabling, potentially deadly illness. Although you can learn helpful coping strategies in therapy, and a good support system is also very important, the #1 thing you need to treat bipolar disorder is medication. It’s a chemical imbalance in the brain that, for 99% of us, cannot be effectively managed without mood stabilizers and/or antipsychotics. Every bipolar person I know (my mom, my aunt, my partner, and one of my friends) didn’t get better until they were on meds, and it was the same for me.

All this to say, if you suspect you’re bipolar, I encourage you to do every single thing in your power to get to a psychiatrist. I’d like to say your family might come around, but if you say they believe mental illness is an “American Thing” then I believe you. In which case, you need to advocate for yourself now and worry about their opinions later. Assuming you’re an adult, which I’m *really* hoping you are. If you’re a minor, that makes this much harder.

When you say you’re Mexican, I don’t know if you mean you’re living in Mexico or living in the US. If Mexico, I can’t point you toward resources, but if you happen to live in the US, most major cities have FQHCs (federally qualified health centers), which are aimed at serving poor people, and many of which provide mental health care services.

If you do have access to a psychiatrist, I can give you some pointers on what to do before your first appointment. I went into mine with a list of symptoms and how long I’d been experiencing them, family history of mental illness, previous medication regimens, and a summary of my trauma. When I handed it over to my psychiatrist she was like “Well it’s quite clear that you’re bipolar. I’m sorry you’ve been misdiagnosed for so long.”

If you’re comfortable DMing me, please feel free. Regardless, I hate to hear that you’re struggling, but I do want you to know that things can get better. I honestly feel like I lost the years between age 12 and 26, because I spent them so miserable, but since getting properly medicated my life has turned around completely. I want to see that happen for you too, nonny.

[neekaasaddie]

Silver Chevy Silverado Part 2

      Everything is more quiet in the mornings. The air is fresher and cooler because it’s had all night to cleanse itself and there’s a distinct stillness that sweeps the environment an hour before the sun rises that’s never present in the night. It’s like a reset button is pressed and the humans in my neighborhood are quietly booting up for their day while in their beds. What if we’re all robots and when we sleep, we’re just rebooting?

     I hear a car door open in the distance.

     It’s easier to think in the mornings, too. You don’t have all the thoughts and events from the day nagging at you incessantly and weighing you down. Sometimes, when I wake up from a bad dream or one where my crush actually likes me back, I wake up in a pensive mood–– but other than that, I feel like a clean slate every time I open my eyes.

     “You’re an early riser,” observes a familiar voice. I jolt to attention and see someone sitting in a silver Chevy Silverado with the door swung wide open and a pair of legs dangling out. It sinks in that I had scaled up the hill, which my house sits on top of, in a thoughtful daze. My mind was wandering in an endless spiral––but my body is here.

     Oh my God, it’s him. I snap back to reality. “I could say the same for you,” I reply casually, folding my arms in front of my chest in a futile attempt to feel less vulnerable.

     “Yes, but I have to go to work, what’s your excuse?”

     “I don’t need an excuse to be up early,” I insist. “And if you have to go to work, why are you just sitting in your truck?”

     “I like to drink my coffee, smoke and catch up on the news before I go. It’s kinda my routine,” he explains as he grabs his coffee mug from the dash.

     “Hm, and I like to walk around my block in the mornings. That’s kinda my routine.”

     “Oh, sassy,” he smirks, taking a sip of coffee out of the large, plain-white mug. Our eyes remain locked as he does so, just like when I took the cigarette with my lips last time we spoke. His golden-brown tanned skin creates the illusion of his iris’ being translucent as his almond shaped, pale-green eyes gaze into mine. He has faint light-brown freckles speckling his face. How have I never noticed them before?

     Then it occurs to me. “Wait, did you just adopt this routine now? Because I’ve been walking every day for the past six months at the same time and I’ve never seen you.”

     “I usually come out after you’ve finished your walk,” he pauses, takes a sip of coffee again, and smiles as he says, “How are you up so early?”

     I roll my eyes. “I just get up early, okay?”

     “Aren’t you like eighteen?” he asks in a condescending chuckle.

     “Nineteen,” I snap, taking a step closer to him and the silver Chevy Silverado. “I’m nineteen.” 

     The previously sweet scent of musky vanilla finds me again but this time, it’s nauseating. Something about the tone of his voice rubs me the wrong way. 

     “Oh my God,” he exclaims in a dramatic near-shout. “Tell me what nineteen year old voluntarily wakes up at five-thirty in the morning.” His head flings back with the mug glued to his lips as he retrieves the final drop of coffee from the bottom of the mug.

     I feel embarrassment crawl up my throat. “Me!” I exclaim defiantly. “I do,” I say as I point my index finger at my chest, jutting my head towards him. A familiar scent immediately harrasses my nose, but it’s not vanilla, weed, or tobacco. I sniff audibly.

     “Is that alcohol?” I ask incredulously.

     “Irish coffee,” he replies casually, raising the mug in the air in faux cheers.

     “Ah,” is all I can say as I stand there dumbfounded. It smells pretty strong to me–– how can he drink that stuff so early in the morning? “I still don’t understand how waking up early is so odd.”

     He sets the mug down on the dashboard. “Waking up early isn’t odd, you just generally don’t see it amongst the people in your age group.” 

     “Oh, right. Sorry Professor Pedo, I forgot you got your PhD in teenaged girls. How old are you again? Fifty-four?”

     “Twenty-seven but that’s irrelevant.”

     “Oh is it?”

     “Yes it is. Now tell me, for research purposes of course, what causes you to wake up at such an early hour?” he asks, stroking an imaginary beard. 

     I flash a dumb smile and humor his question. “Like I said, I like to walk before the sun rises.”

     “Profound!” he says, making a pack of Camels appear in his palm in one swift motion. He hops out the driver’s seat, leans against his truck, and places a cigarette on his lip. “And what time do you sleep to wake up at this hour?”

     I feel my cheeks get warm. I look down at my pristine white sneakers and whisper, “Nine o’clock.”

     “Wow, you’re truly an abnormality in the teen world,” he says flatly as he lights the cigarette hanging limply from his mouth.

     I feel my cheeks get red hot with anger now rather than embarrassment. Would it kill him to be nice to me for one second? 

     I decide to shift the conversation away from my atypicality. “If you’re gonna shit on me, you might as well give me a cigarette.”

     He folds his arms across his chest this time, his meadowy-green eyes squint accusingly. “I didn’t know you smoked.”

     My cheeks get even hotter–– if that’s even possible. “Well…I don’t,” I reply candidly.

     “Then why did you ask to bum one last time we talked?”

     “Because you do it and it seems like a sociable thing to do,” I blurt before I can think. I clasp my hands behind my back to keep him from seeing them shake. “Considering my current state as an abnormality of human nature, I have to find every way I can to fit in.”

     He ignores my reference to his previous rude remark. “Well you shouldn’t. I’m trying to quit,” he says dryly as he takes a drag.

     “Quitting is for losers,” I say softly, kicking an insignificant pebble off of the dry light-gray asphalt road.

     “Is that so, Old Wise One?”

     “Don’t you have to go to work?”

     “Not for another five minutes.”

     “God! Why are you even talking to me?” I spit with uncontrolled frustration. The razor bite of my own voice surprises me. “What?”

     “I was just walking around my block totally spaced out and you could have let me walk right past you without me noticing or just sat in your truck whenever you normally do, but you chose to come out early and stop me and make me feel like shit––and I doubt it was to honestly critique my sleep schedule or point out my abnormalities.”

     Our eyes meet and, while I imagine mine as raging and livid, his are cool and collected. My stomach sinks to the floor. This entire interaction has been incredibly off-putting. The way he spoke about my age and my so-called “abnormalities” was belittling. And while he did push my buttons about the best-friend-thing last time we spoke, he did so in an endearing, witty way. He’s just being a straight-up dick right now.

     “Like I said, I like to get a rise out of you,” he finally responds with a twisted chuckle and takes a drag.

     “Well I don’t appreciate being risen by my friend at six in the morning.”

     “Who said we’re friends?”

     Ouch. “Well obviously we’re not because you think I’m abnormal and make it a point to say it to my face.”

     “Would you rather me say it behind your back?” he asks, raising his eyebrows in question and, in turn, creasing his forehead. 

     “I think it’s been five minutes,” I reply flatly.

     He glances at his phone, “It’s been exactly five minutes. At least your internal clock doesn’t seem to be abnormal.” He flashes a fake smile then hops into the driver’s seat, slams the door, and turns the ignition. I stand dumbfounded yet again–– in awe of his abrasiveness––until he rolls down his window and says, “See you around Old Abnormal One.” 

     “Drive safe Old Alcoholic One!” I shout as his car skids onto the road. 

     I stand in the same place he left me for quite some time–– watching his silver Chevy Silverado turn the corner, hearing him speed off to a distant land, and then standing solemnly in the still morning air, staring at the pebble I had kicked earlier. 

I feel stuck. 

I’m stuck in the same place I’ve always been and can’t move. 

I can’t move.

An overwhelming wave of loneliness washes over me. 

I have to move.

     I trudge to my porch, feeling as if the balloon that grew inside of me every time I spoke to him just popped. The lead returns to the soles of my shoes and that heavy hollowness grows inside my chest once more.

[inspirationdivine]

Wine and Pies || Lydia and Simon

Lydia and Simon have a revealing conversation, right up until the pie prizes arrive. 

Set Wednesday

Lydia pulled the curtains closed on the dying light of dusk, as purple skies gave way to black night. Today had been long and exhausting in equal measure, and she felt loose limbed as she flopped into the couch. She tucked a leg under her, running her hands through her damp hair from her earlier shower. Soft classical music was playing through her speakers. Over the course of their entanglement, Lydia had gotten less and less particular about her appearance late in the evening. The more they were stuck, the less it had mattered. Curling up in the living room in a fluffy dressing gown with a book or crossword puzzle with Simon nearby doing his own this had almost become normal. “Do you want a drink or anything? Simon?” It was ideal, really; the couch was soft on Simon’s unusually-sore body, the music was quiet enough that he could hear every note without it irritating his ears and, most importantly, Lydia seemed comfortable as she joined him on the couch. He glanced over at her as she addressed him, his attention going from absent in his puzzle-solving to dedicated, ready to do whatever it was she asked of him but this time, she was asking if he wanted something. “Uh…” He paused, wondering if she was asking out of his necessity or if this was something else. “No, ma’am, I’m okay,” He replied respectfully first, feeling his eyebrows twinge subtly. “Unless you had something in mind.” He added; he had gotten used to her asking if he needed or wanted little things here and there and he had grown comfortable enough with asking her in turn if there was something he felt he needed. Tonight wasn’t exactly atypical but it HAD been a long day… “...Wine?” He asked timidly, tilting his head ever-so-slightly. Was that what she wanted him to say? 

Lydia’s couldn’t help the indulgent smile that followed his request, along with the most disbelieving eye roll. “That wasn’t a test. None of this is a test, you know. It was just a question.” She stood up, still smiling, and walked just far enough to reach the wine cooler. Navigating around their bond had become easier over the last little while, such that she’d barely felt it tug at her today because she was so used to staying in Simon’s orbit. Lydia brought back the wine with two wine glasses, a deep fruity red for them both to enjoy. “We’ve seen each other in more than enough revealing situations in the last week, you should know by now that my bark is much worse than my bite.” Though they both knew the limit of their bond seemingly down to the inch by now, Simon still leaned slightly to give her more slack as she went around and retrieved a bottle of dark red wine and two glasses, blue eyes following her figure. “You have a point,” He agreed before hastily adding “er, about the having spent time around each other.” Far be it for him to tell someone or agree with someone on saying their bark was worse than their bite. Part of him wanted to apologise already; he didn’t usually drink so the thought of relaxing on a couch listening to classical and sipping wine never occurred to him. She was tasteful though, the way she positioned herself on the couch, the way her gown draped over her fair shoulders and even her fingers running through her hair and holding a glass of wine - she was picturesque. He refrained from apologising, instead taking one of the glasses carefully. “Thank you.” He said instead. “Today was… strangely long. I’m not even sure why.”

Lydia just laughed at his usual tact. No matter how much her mood doured when they had to interact with the outside world, whenever she was pulled out of her element and into his, in the evenings, when there were no more pretences about trying to work or anything like that, and it was just the two of them, it was easier to have fun with it, and with him. “Today did feel long. I think it’s that the sun keeps setting later, and we’re both trying to do so much.” It was also draining, spending so much time with the same person day in, day out. That didn’t really need saying anymore. “Once we solve this, what are you going to do, for fun?” Simon glanced at her with a small smile (he enjoyed the sound of her genuine laughter), then looked down at the wine he swirled in his glass rhythmically. “Oh, I’m… probably just gonna go back to doing what I did before,” He shrugged his good shoulder. “I don’t really… do that much.” There was an objectivity to his voice, not self-pitying or pathetic but mildly factual. “I go to work, then wander around town people-watching or I just go home, feed my birds and sleep.” He scoffed; it sounded very boring when he mentioned it like that. “What about you?” He asked, looking at her. “I’m sure you have a plethora of hobbies and ways to occupy your schedule.”

“No secret bowling games? Illegal urban exploration? Although in a town like this the latter is probably not advisable.” Lydia coaxed him, leaning in a little more curiously. “It doesn’t surprise me that you’re the quiet type. And I’m sure that here in Wicked’s Rest there’s more to see than your regular city people watching.” Lydia fingered her wine glass, swirling her glass in thought as she considered his question. The most honest answer wasn’t one she was sure she could give him. Simon was sweet, and good natured, and soft. Lydia had no doubt that if she told him her main plan was to continue hunting, it would frighten him away. The thought made her distinctly uncomfortable. “Return to the art circuit. There’s this art gallery with exclusive parties that I want to get into. Eat. I play poker with a small group of people on Thursday nights. That, and, well, there are a few people I want to check on. I imagine I’ll make that a priority.” “Sorry, nothing as exciting as secret bowling games,” Simon chuckled. “I’ve seen some weird stuff while people-watching, though.” Part of him wanted to add that most of his spare time consisted of helping other people out with various and sundry activities or problems but kept the comment to himself. Nothing but the last thing she said surprised him and he quirked an eyebrow slightly. She checked on people? He had gotten to know a fair amount about his host during their forcible stay together and he was able to tell that she had a well-hidden quality of empathy and kindness about her, so the more he thought about it, the less surprised he should’ve been but it still caught him off-guard compared to the ‘eat and go to an exclusive art gallery party’-- wait, eat? Eat what? He remembered her saying that she didn’t eat human food but he didn’t press the matter at the time. “That’s sweet of you,” He referred to the last bit first. “What would you eat?” He decided to ask at the risk of upsetting her; she was private and he didn’t like to ask pressing questions but he supposed his curiosity got the better of him; what would someone like her eat if she didn’t eat human food?

“What kind of things have you seen?” Lydia asked curiously. She smiled at his comment, shaking her head. There was a moral duty to help people in one’s community, and White Crest had far too many wayward souls. Her attention quickly turned to her glass at his question. Too honest, perhaps. It wasn’t like she hadn’t eaten, in a perfunctory kind of way. Locking herself behind doors and cradling Chloe and Sammy for thirty minutes at a time. Chloe would curse her out softly for leaving them alone for so long, Sammy would pick at his cuticles and say nothing, resting his head against her chest. It wasn’t much, just enough to soothe the longing in their chests, and hers in turn. Enough to keep their loyalty strong. If you don’t think you’re doing the wrong thing, then why are you hiding us? Chloe had asked. Lydia had slammed the door in their faces seconds later, the question left unanswered. “My diet is that of life itself,” she replied quietly, not out of shame but out of fear. “I can take it in increments, from any living individual's body.” Though he knew she had asked him a question first, Simon found himself acutely interested in her answer to his own question, which he was sure was an inappropriate response to someone saying that they drained the life force from people; normally, he thought, that would prompt someone to avoid everything to do with that person but for some reason, he didn’t. He also didn’t think that she had fed off of him, or at least not that he was able to tell. Then again, he wasn’t sure what that experience felt like. He wanted to ask, but… Was that what she did behind the doors? He wondered why she didn’t just drain his life force and call it a day - maybe it was too tedious? The question burned inside him, as did a few others. Simon knew she didn’t like humans… were they the ones she fed off of? Was he supposed to think she was a monster because of this? So far, he’d only met one person in White Crest who chose to be the supernatural species they were, so he was under the impression that she didn’t choose to be this way. Could he fault her for what she was? Of course he couldn’t, nor would he. He also wondered if that was one of the reasons why she was so private. He found himself tilting his head slightly again, keeping his blue eyes on her with a gentle expression. He opened his mouth to respond but honestly didn’t know what to say without making it seem like he was either undermining her honesty with a light response, ignoring what she said by answering her first question or being far too dire, which didn’t properly reflect how he was feeling with this information. “I appreciate you telling me,” is what he eventually opted to go with, his tone lacking any form of negativity or malice. “Sorry… I didn’t mean to be nosy.” He looked away from her and down at his own glass this time. “I was just curious.”

“That’s quickly becoming one of my least favourite words,” Lydia teased him lightly, ducking her head so that he could see she was smiling even as he looked down at his glass. “You wouldn’t have asked if you’d thought it was an intrusion, and I wouldn’t have answered had I thought it was a step too far. You needn’t apologise for expressing curiosity. If anything, it seems to have served you well so far, considering how little you knew two months ago.”  Nothing. He had barely known at all. Simon was in so many ways a pup. Sometimes he didn’t look like he knew what to do himself. “You don’t have to make yourself so small, you know.” “S--” Simon cut himself off and instead, catching Lydia’s smile, returned it with a small, unsure smile of his own; he was glad that his question didn’t seem to ruin her mood. What she said did bring up a good point he had been neglecting whether intentionally or not; he really didn’t know anything about what he knew now before he moved into town. Some of it - a lot of it - was much easier to digest for him but he was thankful for so many opportunities TO learn through his annoying questions and curious inquiries. He was thankful again for her patience and he started to look up from his glass again but couldn’t quite make it to her face and he settled for keeping his eyes absently on the floor. He had a handful of things he could’ve responded to her with but filed them away as ‘unimportant’. “I just…” He searched for something to say that wouldn’t make it seem like he was talking about himself. “Other people are more interesting.” He said, not dishonestly, using the little boost in confidence at what he said to look at Lydia once more. “Like you. I think you’re fascinating to observe and listen to, how you solve problems, how you spend your time, even what you eat.” His face grew more expressive as he talked. “Your expressions, what makes you happy, what upsets you; you’re an impressive force of nature who’s bold and knows what she wants… at least most of the time.” 

Lydia held his gaze as he spoke. She didn’t immediately sit straighter, or preen, or tease him. Her ego was already engorged, but his words sank right into a small ache into her chest. “Thank you. I’m glad you think so,” Lydia murmured. “It would be a terrible fate to be stuck to someone you couldn’t tolerate to think about. I must say, though, that I disagree with you. There are not many more individuals in this town that are more interesting than you.” Albeit, most of them were human, but that didn’t change much. “You shouldn’t talk of yourself like that.” His brow faltered; had he said the wrong thing? Simon realised after he was done that he probably put her on the spot with his… ramble. He had to stop doing the whole ‘flowery talking’ thing he tended to do. He did scoff at what she said though, not out of disrespect for her or what she said but rather at himself for giving her that impression. “There are,” He replied with a false smile on his face this time, looking back down at his wine. “Like all the people I’ve seen. There was this one who ran around barking like a dog in school until she was 17,” He remarked. “I’ve met people here who can do extraordinary things; there’s this kid who invented a machine combined with magic that he could remotely activate to deliver a fatal electric shock. I met a witch who turned mayonnaise into super glue. Nora’s an extremely talented painter and an expert of fear. I’ve met other werewolves who have full control over themselves and describe it as this amazing thing, like they actually like BEING w--” He cut himself off sharply after he said that last part and cleared his throat. “So while I appreciate the compliment, I’m… just a guy.” He said quietly. 

That made her heart ache too - that smile that didn’t reach his eyes, as he looked away. His crowfeet barely shifted. Lydia might never truly understand the difficulty of being changed, of having your identity ripped into something new, but it didn’t change how much it horrified her when people admitted how little they liked themselves. “You don’t think that your pianist abilities, your kindness and the way you make people comfortable around you aren’t also incredible things?” She asked softly, shifting her weight to sit a little closer. Lydia bit her lip. “Do you not like being a werewolf because you don’t feel in control?” She asked quietly. That seemed to be the crux of it, for him, for Jeff, for Remmy. Simon didn’t move when she got closer but he wasn’t looking at his glass anymore; his gaze was unfocused, half-lidded and somewhat narrowed and an exhale escaped his thin lips. “No, not really.” It was his turn to murmur, feeling himself tense up slightly and he tried to work up another half-smile but he never got there, the corner of his mouth twitching instead. He considered not responding to her question about being a werewolf at all; he felt inherently wrong in how he felt about that situation, like he was incorrect in his judgements or feelings regarding the whole ordeal. He hadn’t been honest with but one person since he suffered the Bite eight months ago; at this point, it was easier for him to just shrug it off like it didn’t matter which… despite what anyone said to the contrary, it didn’t. “And, uh… I suppose. Sor-- Er, I didn’t mean to bring that up; I don’t know where it came from.” He did release a nervous chuckle this time. “It’s nothing, really. I just figure people don’t mind me being around for… some reason.” Because I’m ineffectual and blend in well to the background. 

Lydia leant back, shifting to curl her other leg under her too, in a rather feline manner. She knew better than to keep pushing. “I hope you find someone to mentor you,” was all she said, her gaze compassionate. She’d been about to add something else, but… Lydia could smell butter. Butter and flour, baking? Maybe? “Do you have something in the oven?” She asked, just before the air in front of her exploded into a confetti of flakey pieces of pie crust. A piece of paper and a tin dropped out of the explosion into her lap, and Lydia jolted, eyes flaring. Picking up the piece of paper, Lydia frowned. “Simon? Why does this say that I’ve come third in the weird pie contest?” Simon did catch her look when she replied and he found himself regulating his breathing when she responded with her hidden gentleness, unaware up until that point that he must’ve been getting nervous as his mind kept starting and erasing and restarting sentences until he found the right combination of words. He himself wanted to say something too when he also caught the smell of something. Food, like a cake that was almost ready to come out of the-- He heard her ask about if he had something in the oven and he resisted the urge to give her a  somewhat dry look as if to say ‘like you wouldn’t know if I had something in the oven’ but he didn’t have to refrain for long when the air exploded and Lydia recoiled as something landed in her lap. He tilted his head with curiosity, then almost physically bounced with a childish excitement. “Oh! Remember those pies I wanted to make? When we submitted them, I wrote your name on the slip.” He explained as he looked at the tin briefly but ultimately looking back at Lydia.

“You can’t be serious,” Lydia said, looking at him. But he was. She huffed, rolling her eyes in frustration. “Why would you do that?” She stood up, throwing the pie crust flakes off her dressing gown and onto the floor. “I realise I helped, but Simon, this was your idea, your work. Why wouldn’t you take credit for that?” The tin can rolled off her lap and clattered to the floor, after huffing for a moment she bent down to pick it up. “A tin for storing negative thoughts in? What kind of prize is this?” His gaze followed her as she stood, pie flakes fluttering about her like glitter and Simon didn’t immediately answer her, instead giving her a look that was a mixture of timid hopefulness and somewhat like a dog that got caught breaking a benign rule. “Yeah but it was your oven, house and know-how that kept the kitchen from combusting.” He replied, head shaking slightly with instinct as the tin clanged on the floor before she picked it back up. He eyed the tin with raised eyebrows. “A lot of people have receptacles they hold negative thoughts in but usually those are in the forms of diaries or other written documents.” He couldn’t deny that he was curious though. Perhaps you wrote down the negative thoughts on pieces of paper and put them in the tin? It wasn’t a very… original idea but he supposed it could’ve been worse, especially considering he hadn’t anticipated on even being available to be judged alongside the people that made actual pies for actual people.

“Simon, did you consider that perhaps I didn’t want my name involved in major town affairs?” Lydia retorted, her eyes hard to his mischievous look. As soon as she said it, the tin grew heavier in her hand, and the thought vanished from her mind entirely. “I- What did I just say?” Simon’s head cocked further to the side, almost like he was hearing something distant and shrill and he was trying to listen better. “Uh… you got mad at me for putting your name on the submission form,” He recalled in a manner of speaking. Honestly, the thought hadn’t occurred to him that she probably didn’t want to be recognised in a pie-making competition though to his credit, he absolutely didn’t enter that contest with the intention of winning; he just wanted to do something nice for everyone’s dogs. “Sorry…” He apologised out loud this time, his expression falling as his brow furrowed. “I didn’t know that it would actually be judged or that it would… win anything.”

“Uh, oh,” Lydia said. Why didn’t she remember that? All the same, Simon deflated, and Lydia felt bad that whatever she didn’t remember had done that. “Just… don’t do it again. I work hard to… maintain myself in a certain way in the public view. For important reasons. It frightens me to lose control of that.” Her hand dropped and she lost her grip of the can as it suddenly became much heavier again, and it smacked against the floor hard enough to leave a dent. The previous sentence once again lost from her mind. “That’s deeply disturbing. Either way, I do believe it’s yours now. These prizes belong to you. Your work, your innate creativity. I won’t claim credit for that. In fact,” Lydia picked up the certificate again, the corners of her lips turned up. “Let’s restore this to what it should be, hm?” Simon flinched from the sound again and his brow furrowed when she dropped the tin - he knew that she tended to be careful and precise with her movements so it was unusual for him to see her drop something as though she wasn’t holding onto the thing carefully. “I’m sorry… I’ll keep that in mind in the future, I pr-- Uh, yeah.” He scooted over on the couch closer to where she was sitting and leaned forward to pick the tin up curiously, glancing up at Lydia who was holding the certificate. The tin didn’t… SEEM that heavy but he shook it in his hands as if to see if it had anything in it. Empty. Very curious. “. ..Sorry, restore what?” He asked rather dumbly, bringing his full attention back to her.

“The certificate,” Lydia replied patiently, her momentary anger returning back to a quiet simmer, with a real, if pointed smile. She looked at the tin in his hand suspiciously, more questionable than anything else about this whole situation. What kind of third place prize was it, anyway? “No public attention, no one needs to know but you and me, but at the very least the certificate should have the right name on it. Luckily, I happen to be an expert in covering up damage on things. You’re not going to dissuade me, so come on.” Simon set the tin on the couch beside him as he kept his eyes on Lydia. His expression flitted from timidly curious to mournful that they were in this position to gentle in his smile, all passing in a matter of seconds in his eyes and brow. He stood up slowly, still holding the glass of wine and though part of him wanted to dispose of the certificate altogether - he knew he was going to have trouble seeing it without thinking about that time he didn’t read the room properly and unintentionally threw Lydia into the public eye - she had said that he wasn’t going to dissuade her, and she was correct. He wouldn’t. “I can-- I can go tell them that it was my idea…” He offered. “If that would help wipe the tarnish from your reputation.” His stomach was in knots; the more he thought about it, the more foolish he felt. He just wanted to-- and the way she smiled when-- and the looks she gave him when he screwed up-- How he failed on purpose to get her to join him in something. He thought he might’ve been frustrated; he knew he should’ve mentioned that he didn’t want to be judged as an actual contestant. And for what, a piece of paper and an empty tin? He exhaled, unclenching his jaw and he felt his grip on the glass loosening - he was thankful for the new moon, otherwise he might’ve accidentally shattered it. “You are an expert, indeed,” He replied softly, glancing down at her demure, regal frame and giving her a small smile.

“Tarnish my reputation? I think that might be putting it a tad strongly. You made pies for dogs. You weren’t like,” Lydia cringed. “that Adam fellow.” She led him into her studio, where he had already been several times before. They’d brought him in a comfortable chair, so that he could sit and read while she worked in silence for hours at a time. She grabbed an easel from by the wall and her paint pallet from the desk. It only took a drop of solvent to reactivate the restoration grade paints on there. In the lights she could see the cream shade of the certificate, the quality of the dense paper it was printed on. She saw sunflower yellow and ice pink and white, colours she could pick and mix by heart. Forty years of this, and it was easy to match the paint to the paper, carefully painting over the delicate loops of her name. “Much like you don’t like to turn the spotlight on yourself, I don’t like to lose control,” Lydia said quietly. It was easy to talk like this, focused only on the paint in front of her. With one last look for now at the tin and setting his glass on a passing table - he wasn’t going to drink it, he didn’t think - Simon followed Lydia to the studio, familiar by now in the path they took and still matching her pace as resolutely as ever. He supposed it could’ve been worse; his submission COULD’VE had a creepy melted face on it but that was… a bit much. ‘Tarnish’, while indeed a strong word, still felt like it could’ve applied but he hoped she knew that that wasn’t his intention. Either way, they were in the studio by the time he reached the end of that line of thought and he followed her around until she seemed to be set up and part of him, though he was still sore from the day, wanted to stand close enough to her to observe her work but one of the last things he wanted to do was crowd her so he settled in the chair, leaning forward on his knees and keeping his eyes on her as she worked. “Sometimes I have a hard time picturing an instance where you wouldn’t be in control,” He said mildly, rubbing his hands together absently. “Or at least be able to recover quickly.” He added as if to note their specific scenario with it.

“Yet you have seen me less in control than I think I have been the entire time I have lived here,” Lydia replied, setting down her paint brush. If one looked closely, of course, the paint was obvious. The lettering of the rest of the document was ink, not paint. But if one looked at a simple glance, they would see what they should. Credit where credit was due. Lydia had no capacity for creativity, her inspiration was made to give, not keep. But she hadn’t given any here. Whatever… dubious artistic talent the judges had seen in the pie, they hadn’t come from her. Lydia had operated the oven and the easy unstick spray. Lydia had been a tool in his art, nothing more. “Fixed.” Her tone was still cool, still unimpressed. Her hand curled into a tiny little fist, and then flexed again. “I appreciate that you’re trying to remedy this. Likely, time will be the better treatment here. Trying to change anything more would lead to more unwanted attention.” “You’re probably right,” Simon sighed, his brow furrowing and he swallowed whatever urge he wanted to say along the lines of ‘it was nice seeing that you were at least pretending to have fun towards the end of that night’; he was finding himself doubting if that’s what was happening or if that’s just what he wanted to see. He wasn’t sure what he wanted-- well, yes he did… right? He knew one thing for certain and that was to be more careful with how he… went about doing things. Part of him wondered if he put Lydia’s name on the submission to let her get the credit or more to make sure he didn’t get attention. He hadn’t thought about it being a selfish move on his part until just then and that just twisted more knots in his stomach. “Thanks for… fixing it,” He said quietly but genuinely and though he wanted to apologise yet again, he didn’t and decided to leave it at that, his hands knotting around each other nervously.

“It’s rightfully yours,” Lydia replied with finality, standing up. She rubbed her face, and thought about the sad bottle of wine left half finished in the living room, and the strange weighted tin prize. There were pie crust flakes scattered everywhere, that would get rubbed into the couch and flooring if they weren’t careful. The conversation had been so pleasant, before, soft and delicate, and heartwarming. Lydia’s shoulders slumped as she looked back up at Simon, exhausted and now disgruntled. She pushed a smile onto her features, and said, “Let’s go to bed.” Simon caught the shift in body language, getting the feeling that he had ruined the night with his… stupid pie stuff. Always something, always something for him to screw up. Her smile looked artificial, like she didn’t want to. Maybe he was just imagining it. He paused for a moment before getting to his feet slowly. “Yes, ma’am,” He replied softly.

 @inconvenientsimonstrocity

[ververa]

“Asylum” (1/?)

A different perspective of “You are enough”

It’s not exactly what I’ve planned and probably not what you’ve expected (I got carried away a little bit - I guess  🙈  Sorry, not sorry😜) but this is it 

Dr Ellie Staple x patient (aka Ronnie)

@crazycatladycaceta​ thank you for request 💚 I must admit it’s quite a challenge, but I do like challenges  🙆🏼‍♀ I hope you will like it. Sorry, if I fucked up  🙏🏼

Warning: mention of eating disorders & suicide attempt. Also other mental illnesses, force-feeding, abuse, and in general asylum’s things.  

Sometimes in our lives occurs such situations, obstacles that nothing and nobody could have prepared us for. No school, no books, no teachers, no parents. And when it happens everything changes. Cause nothing could ever fit you for feeling such a terrible emptiness. When at some point you were thinking that you’re already dead. There’s no happiness, sadness or anger. There’s nothing. And it feels as if there were a black hole inside of you, which absorbs every possible kind of emotions. It makes you fade more and more with each day, until you’re left there as an unstable construction – which may collapse like a sandcastle at any time.

But even then. When you feel like a shit – a suicide is not a solution. What a shame I’ve not thought about it then. Cause if I would have I wouldn’t end up in a nuthouse.

It wasn’t designed to be an asylum. At first they wanted it to be a nursing house, though after some talks and problems with finding investors they turned it in a psychiatric clinic – aimed at treating various cases. There were 4 main ward: the wing A and B were for people with mood disorders while C and D, which were almost completely isolated, implied bipolar disorder and a ward for homicidal people – some of whom were a prisoners.

The clinic was still fresh from a renovation. The building needed some certain changes to comply with requirements. They changed almost everything. Reorganized the whole structure and changed the design inside.

With it’s creamy and pink walls or armour glass instead of grilles in windows – the hospital didn’t resemble asylums from horrors at all. Actually, it was hard to tell it was a psychiatric hospital, until you got inside to the right ward. Cause when you did, you realized it was still a hospital full of sick and mostly insane people.

Even though, the age of using electroshock therapy as a treatment was long gone, it didn’t prevent you from feeling insecure and scared each time you’re led from one place to another by medical staff. You still shivered when those white lights, at the corridors, began to wink, due to some short circuits. Or when you heard noises from the isolated part – they were screaming, cursing the doctors or simply crying. At that times you were wondering if it wasn’t a horror.

But even in such places there must be a positive aspect. One thing keeping you from thinking that the world’s ending. And it was that gorgeous woman. In comparison to the rest of the staff she was like an angel.

I’ve known her before I ended up in a hospital. But it was different then. That were different circumstances. Different place and people. And most importantly I – I was a completely different person.

Getting into such places like an asylum you never know what to expect. You enter and see all those people – smiling friendly at you. They most definitely pity you, but well you don’t pay attention.

You don’t really know what’s going on around you, as you got some tranquilliser at the hospital.

Even the guards at the door don’t bother you much. You feel weak and tired, but it stops as she comes into view. You smile at her angelic face, though you grin disappears as soon as you can see a man dressed in a red overall. He’s really muscular. Your first thought’s that he looks almost like a wrestler who went too far with steroids. He was in charge of safety, but well, if you were asked to get to the elevator only with him you would most likely get a heart attack. Luckily, you didn’t have to. Dr Staple was right there too. She had something in herself that, somehow, just calm you down and even in that damn elevator you weren’t that scared any more, simply because she was right next to you.

Another thing that was creepy, as fuck, waited for you behind the elevator’s door. You waited a while before it open, but when it did you weren’t able to move. A grille it was. A fucking bars just like in prison. It was a completely different world. It wasn’t like what you had seen downstairs. There were no nice looking people. It was a total mess.

You needed a few seconds to process what you had just seen. You stood dumbfounded, as other patients were looking at you. Seeing them behind those bars felt as if you were in some kind of zoo and the only thing that was in your head were lyrics of the song “Welcome to the jungle”. However, it was you, actually, who remain the major attraction for them. You were those atypical case. A weird compilation of what was unknown for them, cause honestly, it wasn’t daily to see a would-be suicide. They’re staring as if I were an alien. At some point it became really disturbing and uncomfortable.

Since leaving the hospital it felt as if every-fucking-one were looking at my bandaged hands. And let me tell you, it wasn’t nice. Something like that made you feel vulnerable, weak and the worst part is the question “what they think of you?” that clouds in your mind all the time.

I was brought back to reality by Dr Staple’s gentle touch.

“Shall we?” she motioned her head for me to move

I only nodded and hesitantly got out of the elevator. Ellie didn’t leave my side even for a while, but so didn’t the overdeveloped minder of hers. I really don’t know how could she do that, but she knew every time you feel bad.

“It’s okay Kevin. We’re good. You can take a break or something”

He only nodded and disappeared before I knew. Actually, it was kind of ridiculous that such a big man was taking orders from an inconspicuous woman like her. Well, apparently, she surpassed him with her mind.

“Here is the nurses’ station” she explained as we were wandering further and further “At the end of the hall is a doctor’s office. And here is an emergency room. Now, I need you to stay here and let them examine you”

I nodded absentmidedly entering the room.

“Good morning” Ellie addressed the nurses

“Good morning” they answered

There were two people – a man and a woman. None of them seemed to be friendly, but did I have any choice? The psychiatrist smiled at me reassuringly and left after handing the nurse some documents.

I stood there in an uncomfortable silence, kicking my heels. They whispered between each other and after some time the woman left. Leaving me with that unappealing nurse man.

“Undress to your underwear. I need to examine you” he said and I froze

Stripping down with my wounded hands was quite a challenge. Also in front of him? Getting undress in front of any men was a huge no. It didn’t matter whether he was a doctor or a nurse. No force could make me do that.

I could feel his eyes on me – or rather on my cut hands.

“Let me help you” he moved towards me and I took a huge step back automatically

“Don’t touch me” I said not looking at him

“Miss, I need to examine you”

“I don’t care. I won’t undress in front of you”

“It’s my job. Please, don’t impede it. The sooner we start the quicker it’s over” he tried once again to reach for me

“I don’t give a damn! Do not touch me!” I said it louder than necessary

“Don’t make me force you. I really don’t want to have to drug you”

I shook my head stepping back even more. The man sighed and moved to a china cabinet.

“You won’t dare” I gulped as he turned back to be with a syringe in his hand

“Miss, you give me no choice” he shook his head approaching me

Before I knew I was curled up in the corner of the room – my eyes closed and tears streaming down my cheeks. It was just too much. The painful memories came back and I wasn’t able to control myself

“Don’t touch me! Don’t touch! Don’t touch me!!!” it was a weird combination of screaming and crying

“What’s happening here?!” the familiar female voice was like a delivering

“She doesn’t want to cooperate. I’m forced to use the injection with...”

“No need to use needles. Where’s Kristin? I thought I made myself clear. No male stuff around the patient” she said irritated “Leave” she asked calmly, but sternly

The man stood there dumbfounded

“Leave!” she repeated

He nodded obediently before rushing out of the room.

“It’s alright” her voice was gentle “It’s just me” she carefully placed her hand on my shoulder

“I-I am sorry” I sobbed “But he… I couldn’t...” I cried

“Shhh. It’s okay. No more men. I promise. But I need to examine you. Come on”

I stood up slowly and let her help me to undress. As I was there only in my underwear the doctor instructed me to stand on the scales. She weighed me and got down the number that device showed.

She said nothing. She didn’t have to – we both knew that the weight wasn’t appropriate to my height and I was malnourished. When I got off the scales she wanted me to turn around. I did so and she examined my body carefully. It felt as if she tried to remember every single thing about it. She stopped for a while and looked on a pretty huge tattoo of a moth between my ribs. She looked up and our eyes met, but she said nothing. Dr Staple stepped closer to see my back. I couldn’t look at her face any more, though after a while I felt her hand moving down my spine. Her hand was rather cold, but still soft. Her fingertips were barely touching me, but it made a goosebumps form on my skin.

“O-okay. You can dress” she said avoiding my eyes

“Dr Staple?” the very same female nurse from before came into

“We’re done already” Ellie affirmed dryly “I hope it won’t be a problem to show our patient to her room” she looked at me

“Of course not” the nurse said looking down

Ellie moved towards the door, but stopped before opening them

“One more thing”

“Yes?” the nurse asked

“Henceforth, when I give you any instructions I expect you to follow. Did I make myself clear?” she continued without turning back

“Yes, doctor”

“Good” the psychiatrist looked at me one more time and winked before leaving

The nurse took me to my room. The ward itself wasn't that bad. At least, I thought so at first. Since I left the emergency room I met no patients. It was a bit disturbing, but the nurse was quick to explain it – saying that they're having therapy sessions. As she led me to the main corridor an elder, bitchily looking woman was already waiting there.

You could say she was in charge there just by the way she looked at you. Sister Janet. She was not only a boss, but a pure evil. She was the one who could turn your life in hell.

"The clinic is not a leisure complex. It's a hospital. And you should not confuse those two institutions"

She was that kind of women who didn't have much control in her own life. So when she could have control over you she wasn't going to miss that opportunity. You never got to talk to much around her. It was always her who was speaking – ordering, demanding, upbraiding and complaining. The principle was simple – you disobey you get punished. But it wasn't the only thing you needed to keep in your mind.

"There are some certain rules, that you're obliged to follow" she was explaining "No knives, forks and other sharp objects" the rule number one "No mobile phones and other devices. Also no calls and messages" she continued "No phone chargers with long wire. You're not allowed to leave your room after 10pm.. There's only one bathroom with discharged cabins and the shower time is at 8pm." You could only nod at each thing. And you better had a good memory, cause there're quite a lot of things to remember.

"When I say something there's no place for objection. You'd better follow my rules if you want to have a peaceful time here"

Actually, you need a good week to remember every rule that hag made up. But it's not possible to learn them all, cause she has a habit of creating new ones all the time.

The eating disorders' ward is one of those peaceful. However, you can't say it about so called recreational area. It's designed for patients from two different wards. In short people from blocks A and B are allowed to spend there their free time, of course, as long as they follow the rules.

At times it's like a real jungle – where you need to fight for survival. And if you're not the one to fight, you have to learn to defend.

Though, nothing can be as stressful as spending time in the recreational area or common therapy sessions. Luckily, they took place only once a week. It's probably for fear of psychiatrists mental health, cause who could stand it for too long? It was hard to catch up with all of them sometimes. And the first interaction's the worst. You don't really know how to act around them. What to say when some strange woman sits next to you and trots out one thing: "I'm laughing. I'm crying. It feels like I'm dying"

It scares the shit out of you and the fact that she looks like a bloody Mary does not help.

It's not better, when a man dressed in some pink clothes approaches you. He seems friendly, no lie, but then he speaks up. He introduces himself as Mary Poppins and every night when he cannot sleep you hear him singing iconic song "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious".

They’re not really dangerous. After some time you can kind of get used to them acting like that. And when you learn more about them you can see motives behind them being like that. It turns out that “Bloody Marry” was abused by her husband and lost her baby. And Mary Poppins is actually a man called Martin, who suffers from multiple personality disorder – after being a witness of his younger sister’s death. You may wonder why did he became Mary Poppins – well she used to be his sister favourite character and he featured as her to amuse the girl.

When you know all of this, you come to the conclusion that nothing happens without a reason. And it is so true that it hurts your internally. There is no way for you to fight with what’s happening around you. The only choice you can make is – to do everything to come back to the normal world. Although, at times you’re not sure what the word – normal – means.

The only moments of solace were those that you could spend in your psychiatrist’s office. The insight-oriented psychotherapy – it was called. It was consisting in conversations between the therapist and the patient, that is me. Thank heavens, my therapist was none other than Doctor Staple. I probably wouldn’t survive if that would be doctor Schulz. With his specific features of looking like a live corpse and acting as an arsehole that he was – he passed for one the most creepy person in the clinic. He was the oldest from the stuff and used to be the head of the psychiatric ward in an “old” asylum. He was accustomed to all the old-fashioned methods they were using there and he didn’t seem to be likely to change anything in the way of him treating his patients. At a few occasions I was un-pleased to participate in his sessions during the group therapy.

Tactfulness was a term completely unknown to him. He was those man, who treated all patients as if they were deprived of human instincts. Actually, he was the one without any sort of emotions – showing us extracts from movies about force-feeding. Where the pictures were too drastic even for the guards or medical stuff, excluding doctor Schulz, to watch. I couldn’t compare it to anything that I had experienced in my whole life. It had to do with everything, but therapeutic regimen. Seeing how those so called doctors forced a long cannulas into the poor woman’s nose could make you even more sick than you actually were.

After sessions with doctor Schulz none of us was able to come to ourselves for a long time. The nightmares haunting you at night weren’t something new. We – who were there, in that damned pink painted room – knew how that felt, but nobody else could understand. It was hard to believe, but just then, Martin’s singing turned out to be the most soothing thing for us. It seemed as if he wanted to somehow take care of us – his dear children – just the way Mary Poppins did in the movie. But it couldn’t help everyone.

One of the girls from my ward almost killed herself because of that inconsiderate jerk. I, myself broke down – when during one of those sessions he asked me if I would like to try such a way of therapy. I was more than scared when he came to me and grabbed my chin. He began to explain how such a force-feeding works, but not without demonstrating with his hands the way, which the cannula has to pass before it makes it through to the stomach. It was a joke for him, but my whole body was paralysed with fear. He found my reaction ridiculous. Cause why would I cry? Why would I get a panic attack, that got to the point when nobody could calm me down and the only option was drugging me. Two men in that red overalls needed to hold me, as sister Janet gave to me such a dose of sedative that I was unconscious for over 40 hours and my vital functions were barely palpable.

Ellie, just like the rest of the doctors weren’t mean to know about it, but eventually they did find out. They knew about the movies, but not what happened to me. It was rather obvious that it had never been about me – more likely about my therapist, who not only was young in comparison to that monster, who called himself a doctor, but also she was a woman. The woman who was smarter and had a brainpower that none of them could even dream about. Moreover, she was there for the patients. She wanted to cure them; was treating them equally and most importantly had never abused any of them.

It was rather disturbing, when suddenly one of the most promising patients, who was progressing quicker than the rest, suddenly blocked. The only justification could be that her therapy was ineffective.

And in such moment she stops smiling around you. You cannot really figure out whether she’s worried or angry with you. She tries to talk, of course, but you don’t want to. You ask yourself whether she would understand, but then you come to the conclusion that she would never know how you feel – till it happens to her.

It took a few sessions and a lot of her talking to finally got to me. She managed to fix it all – without knowing what exactly had happened – but that’s how she worked. She was just a master in her profession and could do wonders, as if she were some kind of medium or a mind reader. It didn’t matter to me whether she had any superpowers or if it was only her brain and knowledge. What did matter was the fact that she made me feel alive again – just as she always did.

When I came into Ellie’s office I could smell it at once. The scent of coffee, that was filling the whole room. After such a long time without my favourite beverage even the smell itself was so incredibly pleasant, that it’s hard to focus on the psychiatrist's words. She was sitting in her armchair comfortable with her notebook on her knees. As usually we were talking about my insecurities, confidence and other shit like that, but I didn’t pay attention. The only thing I could focus on was a white, porcelain cup with a warm beverage. Observing Ellie as she was bringing it up to her lips carefully was far more better than talking about mother or my fucked up childhood. I must have been staring too hard, as she paused. I could feel her examining my features. Our eyes met and before I could stop myself I asked that very simple question:

“Is that a coffee?”

It was impossible to miss the smile that formed on her face.

“Indeed. It is” she said softly

I nodded cursing myself for coming up with it. The enquiry was so stupid and unnecessary, that it was truly hard not to laugh at it. However, it wasn’t a kind of derisive grin. It was that subtle smile full of fondness, which she almost always have on her face around me – and only me.

“Would you like some?” Ellie asked with a sly smile

My mind needed a few seconds to process her words. Did she really asked that or was it only my brain eager for the beverage? It was only a coffee, of course, but none of us were allowed to drink it. No coffee and tea – that was the rule at the ward. And sister Janet made sure to see to us following the precept. So, the offer – not only connected with what was forbidden, but also asked by the person who was well aware of it – left me a bit puzzled.

“Can I?” I asked hesitantly, but still enthusiastically

“Actually, you can’t, but till sister Janet doesn’t know, you’re allowed to have this one cup” she placed the porcelain vessel in front of me

I wasn’t sure if I should take it – even though a cup of coffee was something that I had desired for so long. I was already so cowed by the devilish sister, that I was afraid of braking the rules even if she wasn’t anywhere to be seen.

“It’s alright. Go ahead” Ellie encouraged

“I-I cannot…”

“Why?”

“Because that’s the rule. And if you do not follow rules you are punished” I reeled the percept off

The psychiatrist looked at me – an ugly frown appeared on her peaceful face. She stood up shaking her head and moved to sit next to me on the sofa.

“We need to get you out of here” she put her hand on mine “But don’t worry, I’ll take care of it” she added squeezing it lightly “For now drink up” she took a cup and handed it to me

“But-” I wanted to object

“Don’t worry about sister Janet” she interrupted and almost forced me to bring the cup to my mouth

I took a sip and… oh God! It seemed that Ellie drink the same kind of coffee that I used to – without sugar and milk, just a simple black coffee. It tasted heavenly, but after such a long time, probably everything different than hospital food would taste amazing.

I was sitting there – ravishing over the coffee – with the cup in both of my hands and a stupid smile on my face. It must have looked pathetic or childish at least. But Ellie wasn’t looking at me with any less respect that she used to before the clinic. I turned back only to saw that she was smiling too. She was looking at me with that weird thing in her eyes. I couldn’t say what it was, but it felt good. I felt safe and calm. We were sitting opposite each other in a complete silence – but it wasn’t awkward. It felt as if we could communicate nonverbally.

Ellie was the first one to move. She gently stroked my cheek and spoke up.

“Don’t worry. I’ll take care of you. I’ll protect you” she smiled “No matter what” she added and leaned in to kiss my forehead

Just then, did I realize that she – the greatest psychiatrist, my therapist, friend or maybe already someone more than just a friend – was the best thing that ever happened to me.

                  _____________________________________

Ellie needed a break. What she read definitely wasn’t what she had expected. Actually, she didn’t mean to read Ronnie’s diary. She didn’t even realize the girl had something like that – but apparently she did. And the psychiatrist had happened to come across the notebook while looking for one of her comic books. She had known that she should have put it back, but she didn’t. And there she was – sitting in her office unable to focus on anything but what she had just read.

Ellie knew how hard it was for the girl to get through the clinic and the whole process of treatment. But after reading she found out the things about which she had no idea.

The psychiatrist wasn’t sure if she was more angry with herself, for not knowing it all earlier, or if she wanted to come back to the clinic and simply raze it to the ground. What she did know was that she love Ronnie even more and that there’s probably nobody who could handle so much and still remain sane.

Staple took a deep breath looking at the part of diary that she hadn’t read yet. She was hesitant. Maybe she ought to leave it?

[vanfics]

003 - The Balance (Request)

A/N: Hi everyone! First of all, I’m very excited to share this fic with you because this is my first request! I feel honoured and very nervous too. Dear anon, hope you like it and thank you so much for trusting me to write this. To everyone, let me know what do you think about it, if you want I would love a feedback. Thank you so much for reading my stories and everything. Oh almost forgot, do you prefer the titles with more description? Or something like a summary? Please let me know. Again, thanks for reading! X

Bassed on:

Hello! Would I be able to request a fic where "y/n" is a musician as well who's dating Van, but you find out you're pregnant and while you and him are excited to be parents, you guys have to hide it from fans, etc.? Thank you! x

You were waiting at backstage for your turn to play at a big festival on UK. It wasn’t the first time you had to do it with your band, a few years ago you played earlier for a small crowd. This time it was different. Your band was getting bigger, and the fan base had grown up fast. You were nervous, as always. For you, playing shows was a mix of fear and joy.

The adrenaline ran on your veins since you woke up that morning and you went directly to the bath of the hotel room to throw up. You supposed you were just nervous, and didn’t say anything to the rest of the band or your manager, not even Van who was playing there too with his band. But as the hours passed, you weren’t feeling much better, and he noticed it.

“Babe, are you okay? You look pale, more than usual” Van asked taking a sit beside you at the sofa that the production had putted on the big tent for the bands.

“I feel a little sick but I’m fine” you replied, lying. You felt like shit.

The sickness made you feel dizzy. You stood up and went directly to the closest bathroom, of course it was occupied. The room was full of people. There was a trash can close to the restrooms, and without thinking you put your head on in and let go all your breakfast and the banana you ate a few minutes earlier. Van stood up and ran towards where you were; he took your hair and put it on a messy bun.

“Y/N, this isn’t fine” he imitated your voice.

“I’m okay, just nervous I guess.”

You still felt like shit during the entire performance and even after the show. When you came back to the backstage Van was waiting for you with a worried face. Your acting failed with him, he could read your mind and see though your soul.  He hugged you and whispered on your ear how fantastic you were and how proud he was of you. Out of the blue, you started crying. His words made you emotional, he said things like that all the time, but in that occasion you were more sensitive than usual. He wiped out your tears and kissed the top of your nose. You smiled at him, trying to convince him, and yourself, that you were fine.

///

The next morning you woke up suddenly, got out of the bed quickly and went directly to the bathroom to puke again. You felt your whole body weak. You rested your arms on the toilet, thinking about what it could be. It was unusual; waking up feeling sick two days in a row, you never felt something like that. This time Van woke up and went to check on you.

"Babe, are you okay?" he asked with his morning voice "can I come in?"

"Yeah" you murmured not sure if Van heard that but he opened the door slowly, anyways.

"What's wrong?" He sounded worried.

"Dunno, I feel like shit again" you voice was almost inaudible.

Van went on his knees at you side and put one of his hands on your forehead to check your temperature. It was normal. You didn't have fever, at least. He insisted to call a doctor, he said it wasn’t normal, and you couldn’t use the nerves as an excuse. You refused, doctors always scared you. That was your free day; you weren’t playing at the festival, or doing any interviews for promo. You convinced him that all you needed was to stay in bed and rest, maybe you were stressed or tired.

"Okay, so... can I help with something, some pills, water?" he looked at you with a frown.

"No, no, I'm fine" just the thought of swallowing anything made you want to vomit again.

He touched your back, trying to bring you comfort while you closed your eyes and took some deep breaths. After a few moments, he helped you to get up on your feet again and watched you in silence while you washed your teeth and your face, then he guided you back on the bed and wrapped you with the blankets.

"Thanks" you murmured closing your eyes, again.

Van pressed his warm lips on your forehead, softly and whispered "I love you" on your left ear.

///

The sound of the magnetic card opening the door woke you up, again. Van’s head appeared floating between the frame and the door, making a weird facial expression with his mouth.

“Sorry, did I wake you?” he said in a low tone.

“Yeah, but it's fine” you moved slowly and sat on your side of the bed, trying to incorporate yourself on the real world.

“How you feeling?” he asked entering the room without closing the door, just walking in your direction and taking a sit on the edge of the bed, right by your side. He left a plastic bag on your bedside table and touched your leg above the blankets; his eyes scanned your face, trying to decode your state, still with a worried look.

“Better, I think” you said, honestly.

“Do you want me to call a doctor, now?”

“No, no it’s fine, maybe it was something I ate, food poison.”

“Y/N, we ate the same food and I feel completely fine.” he had a point, you thought.

“Then maybe it’s a virus, I don’t know, but I’m feeling better, really” you smiled, touching his left cheek with your right hand. He ran his fingers through his hair; he did that when he was nervous about something.

“Van, I’m fine. Can you relax? You look more stressed than me and I’m the one who is feeling like crap” you tried to calm him but you did the opposite.

“See? You said it! You feel like crap, stop acting like you’re okay, Y/N” he wasn’t yelling at you but his voice sounded an inch higher, he used that tone when he was stressed about something, and it was rare on him. He usually was the one who stayed calm.

“Okay, if I puke again, then we’ll call a doctor, I promise” you offered him a truce.

“Alright” he sighed “you scared the shit out of me.”

“I’m sorry” you said quietly. Van gave you a weak smile, but he kept his worried expression. You moved and pecked the top of his nose. “I love you” you confessed for the million time.

“I love you, too” he replied taking a deep breath “are you hungry? Wanna eat something?” he asked.

“Hmm yeah a bit, what time is it?”

“5pm, you slept all day, sleeping beauty” he joked, he was in his ‘happy puppy’ mood, like you used to say, again.

“Really? Fuck, I was knockout”

“Yeah, completely passed out” he agreed.

He called the room service and ordered the healthiest meal that they had. You rolled your eyes at how he was over protecting you; and grabbed the bag. It was full of supplies for sick people, a bottle of Gatorade, two of Evian water, a box of lemon tea, many different pills that you never heard about, and a pregnancy test. Van hanged up the phone and gave you his attention again. You looked like you have seen a ghost.

“Just in case” he clarified, lifting his shoulders.

“Do you think it’s...” you didn’t need to finish the sentence, Van already knew what you talking about.

“Dunno, maybe?” he replied, biting his lower lip “it’s a possibility, right?” he couldn’t help but gave you a wide smile.

Van always wanted to have kids, since you met him a few years ago he talked openly about wanting to have a family of his own, buy a house, getting married, having children, all the stuff. When you started dating it was something that you both discussed many times. The first big step was moving together, and it went great. The second thing was getting married; he didn’t propose you officially but gave you the necklace his father gave to his mom when they got married. It was a tradition, when he came to this world his mom gave it to him. He would do the same with the love of his life and his future kids.

You wanted all that too, he was the love of your life, every time you saw Van around children your heart melded and couldn’t help to think about having your own kids. He would be a great father, for sure. But on the other hand, you both had a very special, atypical and complicated lifestyle for including all those things on your plans. Both bands were getting bigger, playing at big venues for many people, all over the world. You both had a huge amount of loyal fans expecting new material, new tour dates, and you didn’t knew if you would be able to handle everything at the same time.

You put the small box inside the plastic bag again and took the bottle of water instead, trying to focus on something else. Van didn’t say anything about it, just switched on the TV and moved right next to you on the bed, with one arm open for you to cuddle by his side, as you always did.

///

You've bitten your thumbnail and bounced your leg sitting on the edge of the bathtub for a few minutes, waiting for the results of the pregnancy test. Everything was quiet, you were alone, Van was already sleeping but you couldn’t. Searching on your phone the symptoms wasn’t the best idea you ever had. It could be anything, a simple flu, a baby, or even cancer. The thoughts were running on your mind. You were tired of looking at the ceiling in the dark. You need to know if you were pregnant or not, at least.

The tiny object was burning on your fingers. You didn’t want to see it alone but you didn’t want to wake up Van and giving him high hopes, if the result was negative he would be devastated, you knew how excited he was, even if he tried to act like it wasn’t a big deal. But if it was positive, you wanted to share that moment with him.

You didn’t have to choose, a few knocks on the door told you that Van was already woken.

“Love? Are you sick again?” he sounded really concerned.

You didn’t answer so he opened the door, slowly. He stood up in front of you and looked to the tiny object on the sink; you put it with the screen down so he didn’t saw the result either.

“You did it” he said, gasping.

“Yeah” you replied contemplating his face.

“What does it say?” Van was pale as a ghost, more than usual.

“I- I don’t know, I didn’t check it yet” you sounded terrified, and you were.

“Do you think you’re- do you think it’s positive?” he asked, gulping his own saliva.

“Maybe, there’s a chance...”

A few months before, when you and Van were on a break from touring with your bands, you started trying to get pregnant but it didn’t worked. You went to doctors and all the results of your analysis were fine, they didn’t find anything bad, yet. But the world kept moving, and you both had to come back to your crazy lives, so you stopped trying and drop the subject. ‘Everything happens for a reason’ you said to yourself.

A couple weeks ago, it was your anniversary and you celebrated it taking a bath together, drinking champagne with candles all over the place, the lust and passion made you a bit reckless and didn’t use protection. You haven’t thought about it so much, until that moment.

“Do you want me to leave you alone?” he said, unsure of what you needed.

“No, no please, stay...” you replied immediately “let’s find out what it says together.”

You took the test and put it on one of his hands, and then you closed it with your palm against his knuckles while your eyes were connected with his. You wanted to tell Van how much you loved him and that he was the love of your life, forever, but no words came out of your mouth. He pressed his lips on yours, hard, and took the back of your neck with his free hand. You opened your mouth to kiss him properly, with desperation.

“I love you so much” you whispered, without oxygen on your lungs.

“I love you too” he replied “whatever it says, or whatever you want to do, whatever happens, I’m here, okay? I support you...” you nodded feeling the tears on your face.

You’ve never been more nervous in your entire life. Your heart was beating so fast, your hands shaking. You thought you will faint right there if you didn’t check soon what the result said.

“Alright” you said letting go Van’s hand. He opened slowly, he was shaking too.

You both looked at the small sign. Positive. You looked up to see Van’s reaction. His eyes were bigger than you ever seen before. His mouth opened but no sound came out. He was waiting for your reaction, or he was in shook.

You smiled and kissed him with your arms around his neck and your body pressed to his. He held you with force. You took a step back to look at his face again.

“We’re having a baby” you said, breaking in tears of happiness.

Van let go a laugh and a few tears too. His nose was red as his lips. He gave you a peck on your lips, without saying anything yet. Van was speechless for the first time in his entire life.

“We’re having a baby” he repeated touching one of your cheeks with the palm of his hand. “Are you sure? Do you want to have it?” he asked, and the colour of his face ran away.

You didn’t doubt it for a second. You were absolutely sure that you wanted a family with him.

“I’m fucking scared but yeah, I want to-” your voice broke “I want to have a family with you.”

Both cried and laughed at the same time, and kissed and hugged many times. Then he guided you back to the dorm and both went to bed. Van opened one arm and you moved your body close to his, laying your head on his shoulder.

///

The next few months were the most chaotic of your entire life, the tour-life didn’t compare to the changes you felt internally on your body and on your life in general. The morning sickness kept appearing, it was definitely the worst part. The best part was seeing your belly growing, faster than you and Van imagined. He was more excited than you about that. Another thing that you loved was seeing him while he touched your stomach, and talked or sang to the baby. It was weird but lovely. You never felt more happier.

Your band mates and ‘the Catfish family’ were very supportive and excited, too. They always made jokes about which instrument the baby was going to learn to play first, and who was going to be the favourite band member of the creature. You loved to see them discuss it as if was the middle East conflict.

But at the same time many thoughts were floating inside your mind. One of them was how were you going to tell the news to the fans. You were very shy and liked to keep your personal life in private. Van was like that too, but he was more transparent than you. He wore his heart on his sleeve all the time, without even noticing it, he couldn’t help it. You loved that. It was one of the things that you more loved and admired about him, but for the first time you felt like it was an inconvenient.

“Van” you said as you stopped singing a new song you’ve been working on.

He rolled his head on the couch he was sitting on in the music studio of your house. Van had built it as soon as you confirmed your pregnancy. You both always dreamed about it, and with a baby coming, it was the perfect excuse to keep working on your music while you were staying home. That was what kept you sane. You needed something different to focus your mind.

“Hmm?” he emitted a weird sound.

“How do you think that we should keep... this?” you pointed your belly behind the acoustic guitar you were holding.

“What do you mean?” he frowned, confused.

“I mean, I don’t know how we should communicate the news. People are starting to ask questions” you said, worried.

The fans were already talking online, making assumptions, after you made some public appearances wearing oversized clothes, not rare on you, you used to wear Van’s clothes all the time, but your figure was changing inside of them. Some people thought that you were getting weight, it was true. Others commented directly on your social media if you were pregnant. That was what freaked you out. You didn’t know how to handle all that attention.

“Fuck it if they talk” he sang, he was quoting one of his own song lyrics.

“I’m serious” you said, trying not to laugh about his stupid joke.

“Dunno, they’ll find out, eventually” he seemed so relaxed. “We can make an official statement like the celebs, you know? Like Beyoncé’s” you laughed “or we can keep it simple and if someone asks us, we confirmed it.”

“I don’t want to make a big deal about it, I don’t like being the centre of attention, like you” he rolled his eyes but he knew it was true, he was a Leo, of course he loved it “but I don’t want to anyone make money or take advantage of our baby.”

“I won’t let that happen, love. I’ll demand The Sun if it’s necessary.” You laughed, but that wasn’t the only thought on your mind. You touched your belly, thinking how the fans would react to the news.

“And what about the fans?” you gulped your own saliva.

“What about ‘em?” he asked really unconscious of all the bad things that ran on your mind.

“What if they get upset about me having a baby and taking a break from touring and stuff, what if they hate me for you know having a child with... you.” He moved to rest his head on your legs, and you started playing with his hair. “You act like it’s not a big deal but there are many girls out there dreaming about carrying all of your children and call them stupid shit” you sang Hourglass, one of his most famous songs. It was your turn for stupid jokes. He laughed like a madman.

“Are you serious, Y/N?” he said when he noted that behind your humor was your real concern.

“Yeah, I’m worry about all that”

“Oh c’mon, love. It’s gonna be okay. I promise” he sounded so sure of it that you relaxed a little “You’re over thinking and it’s not good for you or you both...” he touched your stomach and kissed it quickly. He was right, you were overthinking and overreacting. “We are in this together, I’ll take care of you and our mini-Van” he already had chosen a nickname.

“The fans will wait, they love you. If Beyoncé’s has done it, you can.” Another reference to your biggest idol, he knew how to calm your nerves with a stupid joke “And about my fans... well, they’ll get over it” He hushed his shoulders, “’sides, I’m making tons of new songs that they gonna to love it, just keepin’ ’em fed well, y’know?” he recorporated himself on the couch and gave you a kiss on your forehead when you rested your head on his shoulder, taking a deep breath.

He made everything looks so simple; you admired his capacity to be relaxed all the time about stuff that freaked you out. It was the perfect balance between your personalities.

You didn’t know how you were going to deal with pregnancy for the next few months, or how hard it would be to keep doing what you loved and carrying a child at the same time, or even how you would tell the world about it. But you knew one thing for sure, with Van by your side; everything was going to be alright.

[mrsh0rr0rxoxo-blog]

Depression

Depression –

 Let’s talk about the different types of Depression that are out there. Once I’m finished, if you are someone who suffers from Depression talk to me. Tell me what you Suffer from. And if you’re so inclined to do so, tell me about what made you this way. Because we didn’t get this way from birth, TRUMA happened to make us this way.

Clinical Depression –

Being sad most of the time, so much that it effects your daily life, you may or may not have this.

Treatment – Talking to your doctor, talking to a Therapist and medication. You may also want to consider making changes in your lifestyle. I know it’s hard, but even the smallest change, might make your Clinical Depression, less noticeable to you.

Major Depression –

Major Depression or as often called by doctors “Major Depressive Disorder” (It’s technically the same thing). To know if this is something that you suffer from, you’re going to feel or should be feeling depressed most of the days during the week, and nothing that you can do will bring you out during those days.

Symptoms –

-         Loss of interest or pleasure you once felt in activities.

-         Weight gain is most common for us Stress eaters & depressed eaters, but don’t be alarmed if you lose weight. It is more common than you think.

-         Not able to sleep at night or able to fall asleep, resulting in you feeling sleepy all day.

-         Feeling Worthless. (Which means in your mind, nothing you can do makes anyone happy) It’s not true, but in your mind it really is.

-         Restless, Sluggish and Agitated (ALL. THE. TIME.)

-         Slowed down physically and or mentally. (But typically if you’re slow physically, your mental state will be slow also.)

-         Always tired with lack of energy.

-         THOUGHTS of Suicide (BUT no action).

-         Can’t concentrate or make decisions.

If you go to your doctor with FIVE or more of these symptoms, and they last more then 2 to 3 weeks, you have a chance of being diagnosed with Major Depression.

Treatment –

Antidepressants, Talk Therapy (Which never worked for me.) Mental Health Specialists that you will be asked to see, they will help you find a way to manage it. (I highly recommend it.)

If medication barely helps – then you can also try ECT & rTMS (Electroconvulsive Therapy & Repetitive Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation)

Consult your Doctor before considering the above treatments in Bold.

 Persistent Depressive Disorder –

Depression lasting more then TWO years. The Term “Persistent Depressive Disorder” is used to describe two conditions, previously known as Dysthymia (low-grade persistent) & Chronic Major Depression.

Symptoms –

-         Change in appetite (Over eating or not at all.)

-         Sleeping too much or too little.

-         Fatigue or lack of energy.

-         Low Self-Esteem.

-         Trouble Concentrating/Making Decisions

-         Always feeling Hopeless.

Treatment –

Psychotherapy, Medication or Both.

Bipolar Disorder –

Someone who is Bipolar – or often called “Manic Depression” Has a mood episode. It can range from Extremes of high energy with an “Up” mood to low “depressive” periods.

When in low Phase, you will have symptoms of Major Depression.

Meds will help bring your moods under control. Whether you’re in a high or low Period. You might also need a mood stabilizer. (Talking with your doctor is the best way to figure that out.)

Bipolar is something Serious and needs to be treated right away.

Traditional  antidepressants are not always going to be recommended as first-line treatments for bipolar depression, since there is no proof from studies that these drugs are more helpful than a placebo(sugar pill) in treating depression in people with bipolar disorder.

Not to mention that for some people with bipolar disorder (like me), some of the traditional antidepressants may increase the risk of causing a “High” phase of illness, or speeding up how often you have these episodes over time.

Psychotherapy can also help you and your family with support.

I can honestly tell you, that my Bipolar Disorder, puts a lot of stress on my husband and child. It’s really bad. When I’m having a “High” day, it’s a bad day for everyone. I don’t even want to work on those days. I can’t focus. But employers don’t understand someone with mental disabilities, so unfortunately in this world, you can’t not go to work because of it.

 Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD or Seasonal Depression as most often heard) –

It is a period of Major Depression that most often happens during the winter months, when the days grow shorter and you get less and less sunlight. It typically will go away in the spring and summer.

If you do have SAD, antidepressants will help. You can also do light therapy. You will need to sit in front of a special bright light box for about 15-30 minutes each day.

Get it treated. Don’t let it go because you know with spring your mental state will clear, if you get too far down the rabbit hole, there’s no coming back out of it with the change of the season.

 Psychotic Depression –

People who have psychotic depression have the symptoms of Major depression along with “Psychotic” symptoms, such as:

-         Hallucinations (seeing or hearing things that are not there)

-         Delusions (false beliefs)

-         Paranoia (wrongly believing that others are trying to harm you.)

Treatment –

A combination of antidepressants and antipsychotic drugs can treat psychotic depression. ECT may also be an option for you.

 Peripartum (PostPartum) Depression –

Women who have major depression in the weeks and months after childbirth may have peripartum depression. Antidepressant drugs can help similarly to treating major depression that is unrelated to childbirth.

Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) –

Women with PMDD have depression and other symptoms at the start of their period.

Besides feeling depressed, you may also have:

-         Mood Swings

-         Irritability

-         Anxiety

-         Trouble concentrating

-         Fatigue

-         Change in appetite or sleep habits

-         Feelings of being overwhelmed

Treatment –

Antidepressant medication or sometimes oral contraceptives can treat PMDD.

 ‘Situational’ Depression –

Situational – is not a technical term in psychiatry. But you can have a depressed mood based on what is going on in your life, a stressful event that you’re having trouble managing. A death in the family, a divorce, losing your job. Your doctor might call this “stress response syndrome.”

Treatment –

Psychotherapy can often help you get through a period of depression that’s related to a stressful situation.

Atypical Depression –

This is different then the persistent sadness of typical depression. It’s considered to be a “Specifier” that describes a pattern of depressive symptoms. If you have “atypical depression,” a positive event can temporarily improve your mood.

Other symptoms of atypical depression include:

-         Increased appetite

-         Sleeping more than usual

-         Feeling of heaviness in your arms and legs

-         Oversensitive to criticism

Treatments –

Antidepressants can help. Your doctor might suggest a type called SSRI – Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor, as the first line of treatment.

They might also sometimes recommend an older type of antidepressant called MAOI – Monoamine oxidase inhibitor – which is a call of antidepressants that studies state work well with atypical depression.

 Some of you are reading this & thinking, “I’ve been depressed my entire life” that very well maybe true. No doubts about it. It is highly unlikely for you to have every single type of depression, but it is not unlikely for you to have had, experienced each one in your life.

I myself am Bipolar. I suffer from Major Depression & I very often do get Seasonal Depression.

I suffered from Postpartum after I had a miscarriage. I didn’t know that, that was possible, all I knew was my depression was worse. So I seen my doctor he treated me and it finally went away, it went back to my normal Highs & Lows.

My depression started when I was in High School and it has not gone away.

Somedays my depression doesn’t get the best of me, and somedays it does. I can feel myself slipping into depression now, when the bad days are coming. Lately they are more often then not, because I lost a friend that I loved very dearly.

That is her own fault, and I am partly to blame, but I’m not the one that wants everyone to feel bad for me. I think it’s because she suffered a great, great horrible loss in her life and hasn’t found the right way to overcome that, resulting in pushing everyone else away from her. Then making someone else the victim.

I’ve done it before. It’s how I can figure it out.

So, I did what I had to do for me. I stopped talking to her, and ever since there’s been stuff said about me that isn’t true, and it’s making my depression even worse. So, I’m cautious.

I watch what I say and do, I watch what I eat, because I need to eat healthy to keep me in a positive mood. I focus on the things that keep me happy. My husband, child and close, close friends. I read trashy romance novellas because they make me happy, I binge watch Grey’s Anatomy (because who doesn’t love a good cry) and I try to get the best sleep possible.

I’ve recently had an increase in medication, and I do think that is helping. I can’t say that I will ever be okay, and I can’t explain how I’m feeling to people that don’t understand because they will never understand.

  Credits -

Thank you to WebMD, for helping me fact check and make sure that I provided the correct information, treatment and diagnosis.

[texanredrose]

Did You Know?

-Today, 0317- (214) 13-170-9: Did you know that "hamburger" is two words combined, but it's not "ham" and "burger", but "hamburg" and "er"? No idea what "er" means, though. Or “Hamburg” really. English is weird. You: Who are you and how did you get this number? (214) 13-170-9: Shit, is this not Blake? You: No. I am not Blake. (214) 13-170-9: Ah fuck, sorry, must've fat fingered the number! You: It's four in the morning here. (214) 13-170-9: Oh, cool, same timezone. Still, sorry about that. You: It's fine. You: And, for the record, -er is an Atlesian suffix that roughly means "from" and Hamburg is a city in Atlas. "Hamburger" means, quite literally, "from Hamburg". You: I grew up not too far from there. (214) 13-170-9: Oh, that's so cool! My name's Yang! You: Noted. Now, may I return to slumber or do you have any other useless trivia to impart upon me? (214) 13-170-9: Right, sorry! Again! (214) 13-170-9: Night! Sweet dreams!

-Today, 1034- You: Now that it’s a somewhat respectable hour, I’d like to apologize for being curt last night.  (214) 13-170-9: Hey, I get it! I’d be a little cranky if someone woke me up, too. (214) 13-170-9: Really, no harm, no foul. (214) 13-170-9: But if you’re ever in need of useless trivia, I’m here! You: That was... harsh of me. (214) 13-170-9: I mean, you’re not exactly wrong. Most of this stuff isn’t really that useful. But it can be food for thought or even a little funny! Like, did you know the electric chair was invented by a dentist? Sounds weirdly appropriate, doesn’t it? (214) 13-170-9: Guess he got his patients confused with chickens; THOSE are the ones where you pull out all the white things and THEN fry ‘em. You: That was dark. You: I’ll admit it made me laugh out loud, but still dark. (214) 13-170-9: Okay, look, I work with what material’s available to me, and that was the first one that popped into my head. (214) 13-170-9: Also, did you really type out ‘laugh out loud’? lol, really? You: What do you have against properly spelling out words? (214) 13-170-9: Okay, you know what, in hindsight, you’re right. It just caught me off guard. Most people use abbreviations. (214) 13-170-9: Or emojis. You: I honestly hate the sight of that stupid word. You: Also, I spend all day trapped in an alphabet soup hell. I don’t need more abbreviations, thank you. (214) 13-170-9: But they make things so much quicker! btw, ofc I could spell it all out, but rn I’m using one hand, other’s occupied. (214) 13-170-9: I swear that’s not as dirty as it sounds. You: At EOD, I meet with my POC for a SITREP, then CM to the DFAC. (214) 13-170-9: I respectfully withdraw my argument, have a good day.

-Today, 1425- (214) 13-170-9: Um. I might be overstepping here and maybe you’re busy but either way I hope I didn’t upset you or insult you earlier. You: You said “have a good day”; I assumed that was the end of the conversation. (214) 13-170-9: Do you even meme?! You: I realize I implied and now am outright stating that English isn’t my primary language but you don’t have to make up words. (214) 13-170-9: Oml have you never seen a meme before? Hold on. (214) 13-170-9: [MyHairIsABird.jpeg][open][save] You: What.The. Fuck. (214) 13-170-9: You’ve never seen that before? You: I have and am now wondering why I allowed myself to be teleported back a decade. You: At least. It’s probably closer to two at this point. (214) 13-170-9: That’s a meme. It’s short for mimetic mutation I think? Where a joke gets so far removed from the source that it loses all connection but it’s still somehow funny? You: No. (214) 13-170-9: Look, I’ve never had to explain a meme before! You: I’m not saying “no” to your explanation; I’m saying “no” to that meme, as you call it. (214) 13-170-9: That’s what it’s called! You: Of course it is. (214) 13-170-9: Okay, fine, how about this one? (214) 13-170-9: [loss.jpeg][open][save] You: Now you’re tormenting me. You: Wait. I recognize this format. You: This is the stupid joke the idiots I call my subordinates are giggling about like school children? You: It’s not even a joke. This is a serious matter. (214) 13-170-9: I mean, I agree, I’m not sure how it became a joke but it did? (214) 13-170-9: I swear I’m not as dark as I’ve been sounding. (214) 13-170-9: Like, this whole conversation is kinda atypical for me, I swear. You: You’re putting in a lot of effort to convince a stranger that you’re not exactly as you’ve been acting. (214) 13-170-9: Well, you got me there. Sorry.

-Today, 1832- You: You’ve gone quiet. I suppose both of your hands were required? (214) 13-170-9: I just figured you probably had a point and I should just stop digging a bigger hole for myself. You: You don’t have any more trivia? (214) 13-170-9: Did you know a shark’s top speed is 96 km/h? You: Which species? (214) 13-170-9: Uh, Mako shark, I think. You: You are correct. I have a certain affinity for sharks.  You: They aren’t as terrible as people make them out to be, you know. Yang: Actually, more people die from being struck on the head with a coconut than from shark attacks every year. They’re mostly fine if you leave them alone. Unprovoked attacks aren’t as common as people think, I mean. It’s mostly just one species responsible for them, too, but people lump all sharks together. You: They do. Sharks are dangerous, yes, but most creatures are. Sharks just get a bad reputation for essentially no reason. Yang: Actually, the movie Jaws spawned a lot of the social stigma around sharks. Yang: Do you have a favorite shark? You: The catshark. There’s several species all over Remnant; they’re deep sea creatures, living below what most people fish at, but they’re occasionally spotted by research vessels. They have beautiful skins with wonderful patterns but very little is known about them, and each subspecies is unique in its own way. You: They’re truly fascinating creatures. Yang: They sound really cool! You: I have a question for you. Yang: Shoot. You: You’ve given me your name yet you haven’t ask me mine. Why? Yang: Well, let’s start from the top. Yang: I messaged you in the middle of the night on accident, which you weren’t very happy about. Then when you apologized, I made a bad joke and you took it literally. THEN, I apologized again, and we talked about memes, and that entire discussion didn’t go anywhere good, I think we’re on the same page on that one. Yang: So, from my perspective, I really don’t have any right to ask your name. I gave you mine so you’d know who to specifically curse if you’re religiously inclined. Yang: Or, like, you just want the satisfaction of specifically cursing me, because like, mood. You: How thoughtful. You: It’s Winter. Yang: I’m pretty sure it’s spring? You: You boob. My name is Winter. Yang: OH Yang: IT’S A GOOD NAME You: ... really? Yang: Absolutely! It’s a beautiful name! You: That wasn’t me looking for reassurance; that was me being... surprised by your response. Yang: It makes me think of Atlas, kinda, cause it’s so cold up there. Yang: Oh. Yang: I am just a series of “open mouth, insert foot” examples today. You: Are you on something? Alcohol? Weed? Nicotine? Yang: NO! You: Admittedly, that last one wouldn’t lead to such a lapse in judgement as you’ve currently displayed. You: Are you lying to me? Yang: FUCKING NO, I’M NOT ON ANYTHING! Yang: I just haven’t been sleeping well recently and my head’s a little fuzzy. That’s all. You: That would explain the middle-of-the-night trivia session. Yang: I said I was sorry about that. You: I believe you but I also believe that a good night’s rest in fundamentally important. You: Tonight, you’re going to sleep at a reasonable hour. Yang: You can’t just command me to go to sleep! You: I just did. Yang: Wait a minute, the acronyms, the orders, “subordinates”- you’re military, aren’t you? You: Yes. Yang: That’s awesome! I’m just a mechanic. I like working on engines. You: Riveting, truly, but those are topics for tomorrow. Tonight, you sleep. Yang: lmao, nice pun! You: I didn’t make a pun. Yang: I said I’m a mechanic, you said “riveting”, how was that not a pun? You: You’re deflecting. Yang: My shields are up. You: I’m not engaging in a pun war when you should be going to bed. Yang: I’m not going to bed, so I guess we’re at a stalemate. You: Fine. Here’s the deal. Make me a promise. Yang: Wow, we’re hardly on first name basis and now we’re making promises? You move fast. You: Promise me you’ll text me whatever piece of trivia comes to mind whenever you’re having trouble sleeping. Yang: I don’t get it. I’d be waking you up at all hours. You: Exactly. You seem like the sort of person to care very much about others so I doubt you’d compromise my sleep intentionally. Now that you have a clear purpose of going to sleep to help someone else sleep, you’ll have an easier time accomplishing the task. Yang: What are you, some kinda quack psychologist? Yang: You’re playing dirty. You: I’m military. What did you honestly expect? Yang: Touche. Yang: Fine. I’ll try to sleep tonight. But just know! I have a whole bunch of factoids for ya! Get ready cause neither of us is sleeping tonight! You: Usually, I’d insist someone buy me dinner first. Yang: Now you’re flirting. You: I’m merely stating fact. You: How about one more “factoid” before bed? Yang: Did you know a shark’s teeth are literally hard as steel? You: Playing to my interests, I see. Yang: I have my moments of brilliance. You: Indeed you do. Now, good night, Yang. Get some sleep. Yang: Good night Winter. Sweet dreams. You: And to you the same.

-Today, 0947- Yang: I hate you. You: Care to elaborate? Yang: Somehow, it worked, and I just woke up from the sleep of the dead. My body feels like mush sloshing around a hollow lead cylinder. You: What you’re feeling is the side effects of your body getting both too little and too much rest at the same time. If you establish a better sleep schedule, you’ll avoid this feeling in the future. Yang: Thank you, Doctor Winter. Do I get a lollipop? You: Continue being this cheeky; I assure you it’s doing nothing but improving my perception of you. Yang: Harsh. You: That was teasing. Yang: Oh. You really should add, like, an lol or something when you're joking. I'm not awake enough to find context clues. You: Aside from the lethargy, how are you feeling? Yang: Hungry. I finally dragged myself out of bed to cook breakfast and it turns out my sister already made me some. I’ve taught her well. You: Older or younger? Yang: I’m older by two years. Sometimes, it feels longer than that, though; I practically raised her. You: Interesting. I’m glad she made some food for you. Yang: Yeah. Now that I think about it, probably worried her pretty bad the last few weeks. You: Is that how long you’ve been having trouble sleeping?” Yang: About that. Yang: These pancakes taste fucking delicious btw. Yang: Did you know that, for most people, their right lung takes in more air than their left? You: We need to have a talk about priorities because I highly doubt you’ve inhaled your food that quickly. Yang: Sorry, my sis had to leave, so it’s a quiet breakfast over here. You: I don’t see that as something that needs to be corrected. You: However, I find myself wondering if you know the reason behind the lung trivia. Yang: I do! It’s because, for most people, your heart is just to the left of the center of your chest. So, since the heart takes up space, there’s only two sacs in your left lung, as opposed to three in your right. Yang: *sacks? Idek You: Idek? Yang: I Don’t Even Know- not sure what the difference between “sacs” and “sacks” is. You: This is why acronyms and abbreviations are more trouble than they’re worth. Yang: Okay, so basically, a sac is biological and a sack is manufactured. Like, sacs are things naturally occurring that fill with air or liquid, either in the body or outside it. Sacks are made for carrying things like groceries. Yang: Meanwhile, “sack” as a verb means either getting hit or getting laid off. Or maybe both, I guess, depending on your job. You: You went and looked it up? Yang: What, you think I was born with all these random things preprogrammed? Yang: I have a really good retention rate and I'm curious a lot. Yang: Google is my friend. You: Obviously. I suppose the appropriate follow-up question would be: you kept highlighting “most people”. Why? Yang: Well, there are a lot of medical reasons that makes it not applicable to everyone. Dextrocardia, for instance, in its mildest form causes the heart to face the opposite way, so the lungs usually fill differently because of that. More severe cases mean that more visceral organs are mirrored, too. You: Okay, so, language, sharks, the electric chair, and now medical trivia. The breadth of your subjects of interest is impressive. Yang: Thanks! Yang: Did you know that the cracking sound made by a whip is caused by the tip breaking the sound barrier? Yang: I’m pretty sure this counts as physics. You: I’ll add physics to the list. You: Now finish your breakfast and do something small. Take a nap in a few hours or whenever you feel tired. Yang: Do you have any siblings? Yang: You don't have to answer right away! Yang: Or at all. Yang: Guess you're busy? Eating breakfast maybe?

-Today, 1036- You: Actually, I was in formation. It's usually at 0930 but there were... complications this morning, so they pushed it back half an hour. Yang: Huh. For some reason, I always thought the military would be, like, SUPER punctual. You: And I have a younger sister and a younger brother, in that order. You: I'm going to tell you a secret: the military is always late. We just never admit it. Yang: So, you're like a bunch of cats? You: Given what constitutes my workday, yes, I would say that's accurate. "Herding cats" is the most accurate description of my job title. Yang: lmao, that's wild. Your siblings here in Vale too? Or back home in Atlas? You: My sister is here; she moved here to study at Beacon and then decided to stay. I suspect her girlfriend might factor into that decision but she's remaining tight lipped about it. My brother is at home, in Atlas. You: Now explain “lmao”. Yang: Laughing My As Off Yang: You really don’t know any chat abbreviations? You: Has it occurred to you that abbreviations is a very long word to describe the shortening of words and is, in itself, evidence that it’s all very silly? Yang: I know this is going to sound very grade school but you’re kinda cute when you’re annoyed. You: You’re right; that does sound very grade school. You: And you only say that because you can’t see me. Yang: Oh, so you don’t go all broody, kinda constipated, pursed lips when you’re annoyed by something? You: I understand those words individually but, combined, I’m lost. What would that even look like? Yang: Here. Yang: [photo][open][save] You: First, I want to assure you that you’re a very beautiful individual. You: Next, you look absolutely ridiculous. Yang: Hey, that’s how I think you look when you’re annoyed! You: I do not. Yang: Okay, I’ll take your word for it! You: [photo][open][save] Yang: Oh Yang: Wow You: That is what I look like when annoyed. You: And, not to wound your ego, but that annoyance isn’t inspired by you. A subordinate just asked me for fucking grid squares. You: At this point, one would think that joke’s too tired to work, but one would be wrong. Yang: Did you know that the winter of 392 was so cold, all of Beacon Falls froze over? You: Back to trivia? Yang: It’s my default response when higher brain function shuts down. You: I’ll admit, this is the first time in a long while I’ve felt flattery to be entirely sincere. Yang: This isn’t flattery; this is cold, hard facts. You: I see. Yang: Hey, I, uh, just realized the time, I gotta get to work. Yang: See if I still have a job, at any rate. You: I understand. Good luck. Yang: Thanks! Hope your work day gets better!

-Today, 1236- You: I assume the radio silence to be a good sign.

-Today, 1428- Yang: Yeah! Turns out, the shop kept a spot for me. My boss is being really understanding. Yang: Kinda... babying me, too, but... I’m getting used to it. Yang: At least he fired the idiot that started this whole mess. You: Am I permitted to inquire as to what happened? Yang: I don’t wanna go into details. You: That’s understandable. You: I’m glad they kept a spot for you. Are you going to return to work full time or ease into it? Yang: Give me a minute. You: Very well.

-Today, 1513- Yang: A few months ago, there was an accident at the shop. We do body work too and this guy tried using a machine he had no business using. Freaked out, caused a scene, I tried going over to help, ended up with my right arm caught in the damn thing. Mangled it pretty bad. So bad the docs had to take it. I got fitted for a prosthetic and I’m just trying to find normal again. Yang: I know I said I didn’t wanna go into the details but I’m actually shit at lying. Yang: Except in, like, weirdly specific circumstances. You: Thank you. Yang: Ok. Gotta admit. Not the response I expected. You: It must be very difficult to discuss and think about the accident. You didn’t have to go into it, yet you did, and I thank you for trusting me with that. You: That being said, is this a contributing factor to your insomnia? Yang: It’s not insomnia. I’m just not sleeping well. Yang: But yeah, idk, maybe it’s related. I liked sleeping on my right side and I can’t anymore. Anchor digs into my ribs. You: Establishing a new routine can be tricky at first. Everything is just a painful reminder of the incident. Yang: Sounds like you have experience with this. You: A bit. A superior of mine whom I respect greatly lost most of his body a few years back. He speaks very frankly about the challenges he faced when returning to the line. Yang: Wait, you mean General Ironwood? You: You know him? Yang: Who in Remnant doesn’t? He’s basically a celebrity. I mean, not just for the prosthetic body thing; he’s also the youngest commanding General of the Atlesian military. Yang: Which... tbh, is kinda weird. Isn’t he pushing fifty? You: Age takes on a whole new concept in the military. Yang: I’d say. Yang: They talked about him when I started my physical therapy. Supposed to inspire me, I guess. You: For what it’s worth, he actually dislikes when people do that. He says that each individual case is a war all unto itself. Comparisons are detrimental to the individual’s recovery. Yang: I like him better already. I’ve been over here trying to just “suck it up” I mean, not like I lost anything more than an arm, what do I have to complain about? You: Hold that thought. Yang: Okay?

-Today, 1558- You: Miss Yang? This is General Ironwood. Yang: Look, I’m all for practical jokes, but this isn’t a good one. You: [photo][open][save] Yang: This is not a joke. You: No, it is not.  You: Miss Yang, I’d like to extend my deepest, sincerest sympathies to you for your loss. Having your life upended in such a way can be extremely disorienting. However, the measure of your strength does not come from what you can or can’t do in comparison to before. It comes from your desire to continue fighting, to find a new balance to your life. Asymmetry is a measure of beauty, strength, and courage in its own right. Yang: Thank you, sir. Yang: *Sir. You: I’d like to extend an invitation to a support group I host. It’s mostly military members from all over Remnant but, if you don’t mind a bit of morbidly crass humor- a habit I’m attempting to break the lot of them from, with limited results- we’d be honored with your presence. Yang: No offense, but I doubt a bunch of soldiers would be “honored” by a mechanic. You: The first thing I teach is to see similarities instead of differences. You saw something dangerous and, rather than run away, you ran towards it. All of us share that experience. You: Except Carl. Yang: What happened to him? You: I apologize; it’s a military specific meme. Winter mentioned you’re rather fond of memes. Yang: Oh, so you know what a meme is, but she doesn’t? You: Don’t tell her I said so- she’s a very good soldier- but she’s always had a stick up her ass. She could use more memes in her life. Yang: Should I take that as an order? You: Absolutely. Yang: Can do. And, uh, sure. About the support group. You: Excellent! I’ll give Winter the details so she can pass them onto you. It was wonderful taking to you, Miss Yang. Yang: Yeah, you too, Sir. You: It’s Winter again. I hope that helped. Yang: Did you literally walk into the office of the commanding General of Atlas’ military, just to hand him your scroll and say ‘talk to this bitch’? You: I didn’t use those words; I told him I had a friend who recently attended physical therapy post amputation and I thought some words of encouragement from him would be a good idea. You: Wait, did he literally say I have a stick up my ass? Yang: WOOOW, meme savvy he might be, but apparently he doesn’t know how to delete a text message. You: I can’t believe he’d say that. You: I most certainly do not have a stick lodged in my posterior, figurative or otherwise. Yang: I’d offer to check but that’s a bit too fast too soon, so I’ll just say you seem alright to me. You: Thank you, Yang. Yang: Cranky when I wake you up at the asscrack of dawn, though. That might be when ass and stick are firm friends. You: Do not make me take it back. Yang: I’m just kidding! Yang: Seriously, though, thanks. You didn’t have to do that. You: You’re welcome.

-Today, 0233- Yang: Did you know it takes the average person seven minutes to fall asleep? You: I sincerely thought you’d be asleep by now. Yang: I did. Woke up. Yang: Sorry. You: Do you know what a contact truck is? Yang: Uh, no, no idea. You: It’s the military vehicle utilized by mechanics, outfitted with tools, so they can drive out and repair other vehicles. Do you know why it’s called that? Yang: Hit me with it. You: That was an actual question. Yang: Huh? You: I’ve been asking for as long as I’ve been in. Not even General Ironwood knows why it’s called that. It just is. Yang: omg that’s hilarious You: It’s that, too. Also incredibly vexing. You: I just want to know why it’s called that. Yang: Heh. If I find out, I’ll let you know. You: Go back to sleep, Yang. Yang: I’ll try. Night. You: And sweet dream. Yang: lol, same to you.

[comicteaparty]

December 16th-December 22nd, 2019 CTP Archive

The archive for the Comic Tea Party week long chat that occurred from December 16th, 2019 to December 22nd, 2019.  The chat focused on Ingress Adventuring Company by kayotics.

Featured Comment:

Chat:

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- WEEK LONG BOOK CLUB START!

Hello and welcome everyone to Comic Tea Party’s Week Long Book Club~! This week we’ll be focusing on Ingress Adventuring Company by kayotics~! (https://www.ingress-comic.com/)

You are free to read and comment about the comic all week at your own pace, so stop on by whenever it suits your schedule! Remember, though, that while we allow constructive criticism, our focus is to have fun and appreciate the comic. Below you will find four questions to get you started on the discussion. However, a new question will be posted and pinned everyday (between 12:01AM and 6AM PDT), so keep checking back for more! You have until December 22nd to tell us all your wonderful thoughts! With that established, let’s get going on the reading and the chatting!

QUESTION 1. What has been your favorite scene in the comic so far? What specifically did you like about it?

QUESTION 2. How do you think Toivo’s Adventuring Company came to be, and why is Toivo the only member? Do you think others might someday join, especially as Toivo completes more jobs?

Delphina

Oh gosh, I love Ingress SO MUCH. It's got so much humor and I love how Kay draws expressions. I think the ghost room scene is my favorite so far (https://www.ingress-comic.com/comic/chapter-3-08/). The "I ran out of space in my ghost room" line always kills me, and just the concept of, you know, a magician throwing all the spectral things he doesn't like in the attic and forgetting about them really speaks to Toivo's absent-minded character. I love seeing him and Aidan and Rosemary working together, and there are some very choice Rocky drawings (look at him hiss! https://www.ingress-comic.com/comic/chapter-3-20/) in this scene.

I do know a little of the backstory from hanging around with Kay, so while I hope Toivo will find more people to team up with, it sounds like his old adventure-mates have moved on/retired for the most part (like Dia and Aidan) and he's just still at it because of his atypical youthful elven vigor.

MJ Massey

I figured he needed something to do after his earlier adventuring day so he made his own "company" to still adventure a bit on the side while being a professor.

indogswetrust

1. I like the scene where Toivo is reading “moonlight” with his feet on his desk. big mood. Closely followed by him getting cranky at Spicer. 2. I think it’s just one of those business things. You start with a name and a concept and hire later.

Addendum to 2: adorable bitter ex boyfriend Aidan should join immediately

keii4ii

1. The last few pages of chapter 3! It was something to see Toivo not bounce instantly back to his usual 'cheerfully trying so hard but not succeeding' mode. Even though the ghosts had all been taken care of, the way the characters reflected about the incident gave it a lingering sense of importance. Potentially even hinting at Toivo's past relationships being more trouble than just bad dates like the one in chapter 2. (Re: the last sentence, I might be thinking of Kay's short story in the Haunted anthology? But honestly, I did get this impression even before reading the short story -- although reading it has definitely solidified it/ nudged it deeper into the "oh shit this is serious" territory.)

Sail

1. There are SO MANY good scenes that I love about this comic, but I think my absolute favorite one is in the first chapter (https://www.ingress-comic.com/comic/chapter-1-09/) when Toivo is just fumbling over his words in an attempt to not be crass, while just... being more and more crass. As someone who's loudly cussed in public without thinking and then tried to cover it up with more cussing, I related to this scene in the very fibers of my being, haha 2. I feel like Toivo gets extremely bored with his professor gig sometimes? He seems like the kind of person who needs something to be HAPPENING, and being a hired adventurer would be an ideal job for a wizard with a "gotta do stuff!!" personality. I don't know about others joining. I'd love to see Aidan or Dia go on one last adventure, and there's always the possibility of NEW people joining up at some point. But it's also been shown that Toivo is pretty reckless, and that seems like it would be a huge deterrent for any co-adventurers who... you know.. don't wanna die

RebelVampire

QUESTION 3. At the moment, who is your favorite character? What about that character earns them this favor?

QUESTION 4. What aspect of the world so far has interested you the most? Also, what other things are you hoping to learn in regards to the world of the story and how Toivo might have helped save the world?

MJ Massey

Toivo is definitely my favorite. He's got so many angles to him--generally trying to be helpful and giving out his services, but having his own skeletons in the closet...or rather, ghost in the attic but even though there's been hardship in his past, he can still be cheerful

As for the world, I am definitely interested to see more of what's around and what systems are in place. Seeing more of the magical university Toivo works at would be neat. I'm also interested in what the rest of the adventuring party was like now that we've met two of Toivo's old chums

Delphina

Rocky is my favorite! He's so cute and feisty!

Phin (Heirs of the Veil)

1. My favorite scene was when Toivo had to confront the ghosts of his past relationships! It was a super interesting character moment for him. 2. My theory is, he already had other people in his company, but they don't stay, haha (like Aidan). 3. Aidan is my favorite so far. He's just that grumpy guy with a good heart and I'm very into that kind of character. 4. Right now the storie's worldbuilding interests me a little less than the characters and their dynamics! Tho I was excited to find out more about magic (taboo and forbidden magic) recently.

keii4ii

I too love Aidan. Grumpy voice of reason with a good heart. But Rosemary is currently my favorite in terms of "character I really want to learn more about/ watch as they develop."

(is there any canon art of Rosemary and Toivo back when she was little? )

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

1) Oh, gosh, I’m not sure I can even pick a favourite. They’re all so good. I guess the scene at the end of the first chapter where the noble had to get a job as a janitor would be my favourite because it was the first time the comic made me really burst out laughing. 2) I imagine Toivo is so far above other wizards in skill that he feels he can get the job done better alone than have to ‘slow down’ for others. I think he created the company either to stroke his own ego or out of sheer boredom. 3) Definitely Toivo. I love how he is both incredibly competent and incompetent at the same time. He’s a deeply flawed and yet very endearing character- probably because of those flaws. I am very curious to know more about his daughter, though. I love how sassy and fed up with her father she is, so she’s a close second. 4) I think the mechanics of magic are very interesting, and I’d like to continue learning how it works. I am very interested in Toivo’s past, both in how he gained renown and what created the ‘ghosts’ of his past.

Delphina

I'm curious how other wizards/professors regard Toivo. Does he have peers? Or do they just steer clear because he's such a walking disaster?

indogswetrust

3. Rosemary. She’s so cute, I just want her to succeed. And find out more about her other parent! 4. Toivo saved the world? Is THAT how he got his professorship... mostly I just like the adventures

RebelVampire

QUESTION 5. What has been your favorite illustration in the comic so far? What specifically about it do you like?

QUESTION 6. What is your opinion on Rosemary and Toivo’s relationship? How might Toivo’s antics challenge what their relationship is, and do you think it can survive the tests its put through within the story?

indogswetrust

5. pass. i love them all :/ 6. Here’s the thing. Toivo is a great wizard and it seems like Rosemary is too? But they haven’t done a lot of practicing together. Like does he want her to join the family business, is he trying to keep the pressure off. Tbh, they seem to have a solid foundation, but Toivo is a bottle-upper (as illustrated with the ghost scene). I think he keeps a lot of secrets from his lil’ girl, and that could strain their relationship

Phin (Heirs of the Veil)

5. I really love everything about the comic's art so I can't really answer this. 6. Rosemary and Toivo seem to have a good, loving relationship but I agree with the comment before, that Toivo keeps secrets that might not be great for their father-daughter relationship in the long run. I'm really invested in these two and I hope they can work it out.

RebelVampire

1) My favorite scene is probably when Aidan arrives and chastises Toivo for what I gather to be pretty standard Toivo shenanigans. Plus, I love the line, "I was not sulking. I was...contemplating. Mournfully." That link just made me laugh so much, plus the facial expressions worked really well for it. So really, just a good combo of shenanigans plus grump character who brings some sense into the world. 2) I feel like there are two reasons Toivo made the company. First, he was bored. I can't imagine being cooped up as a professor all the time is that exciting, so Toivo sought out some action. The second reason I feel is that in some ways, Toivo doesn't want to let part of his own past go. So even if it's a solo adventure company, it keeps something of the past alive for him. As for others joining, I don't particularly see that happening anytime soon. I feel like Toivo wouldn't even want it since that would make him doubly responsible for someone's well-being in a very high risk situation. And I just don't get the sense he's good at handling that sort of thing.

3) At the moment, my favorite character is a tie between Rosemary and Aidan. Which honestly, I like them both for the same reasons. They're super down to earth, and they both make great balances to Toivo's personality. And I feel like they give me a much needed break sometimes where I need some sense and logic thrown into the crazy situations going on. XD 4) I was really interested by that newspaper article that talked about the chapter 4 bonus page where it talks about Beasts appearing. I'm really curious what sort of effects this must still have on the people living, and also what sort of catastrophe brought them about even. Plus, it seems like this might be how Toivo helped save the world, so its high on my list of curiosities. Although like some of the others here, I'd also like to learn more about Toivo's university and what the education is like. And what's not to love about magic schools?

5) My fave illustration is definitely this one https://www.ingress-comic.com/comic/chapter-3-27/ I really love the composition between the foreground, middle ground, and background, and how it all draws your eyes smoothly to the background. I also love the nature colors and how they contrast with Aidan, cause it really makes his character pop. 6) Rosemary and Toivo's relationship kind of confuses me in certain ways. Like it's obvious they care about each other, but at the same time I feel there's like this...aura of distance between them. Like I feel like Rosemary has to look after Toivo more than he has to look after her, and for me, I feel like this creates a sort of rift. But at the same time, that does make their relationship unique and interesting. So I'm actually excited to see more obstacles coming up, because while I think they'll always love each other, I'm interested to see in each of them grow and kind of realize there are parts of their relationship that could be addressed more.

Eightfish

1. I totally second everything @Delphina said about this comic. The expressions are so good! And the ghost scene! I was literally laughing out loud, while also admiring what a crazy cool concept it was. I don't think I've ever seen anything similar before. I wonder who the dark lady was though? Could she be Rosemary's mother? 3. Toivo. It's rare to see older main characters, and I really like that. He's got a lot of traits that make his age relevant to the story, too: his daughter, his job, his outlook on life. He reminds me of a few professors I've had. I do wish his appearance reflected his age, though. I know he's half elf and all, but it'd be nice to see a cool older man design for a main character, even if he still looked younger than his actual age- like 40 instead of 70.

6. I think the single dad dynamic is cool and not very often seen! And it's a happy and loving relationship too. I didn't feel the way @RebelVampire felt at all about it. They seemed very close to me, with the joking around and teasing. Like a typical good father and teenage daughter relationship. It's interesting how we both interpreted it differently. I wonder how Kay intended it?(edited)

Delphina

I definitely get the impression Rosemary feels very embarrassed for the normal teenage girl reasons about her dad. I would love to see how their relationship ages as Rosemary enters adulthood (and also if she'll turn out to be as much of a disaster as Toivo)

Eightfish

@Delphina I didn't even think she was embarrassed. Maybe a bit exasperated? But also, underneath, lovingly amused? I don't think she'll end up like Toivo. More likely she'll be his opposite, like how many people turn out irl actively avoiding their parents' negative traits.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 7. Which characters do you enjoy seeing interact the most? What about their dynamic interests you?

QUESTION 8. Given the comic has a lot of focus around the theme of dealing with your problems, what is your takeaway so far? Do you think Toivo will learn to deal with his own demons, or will he still continue to just avoid dealing with them?

Sail

I missed a few days of this due to pet emergencies... D: but i finally have a bit of time, so; 3. My favorite character is Toivo, of course! With Aidan coming in as an immediate second. It's hard to chose just one fave out of such a great cast. Toivo wins out for several reasons though. The was he's drawn is extremely endearing. He's so expressive with his face and hands, and I really love that. His personality is also charming in a chaotic dumpter fire kind of way. Overall he's just this well developed, complicated character that's instantly likeable imo 4. I really like the blend of the fantasy setting with small modern touches. I definitely want to see more of what society is like in this world, and maybe what it was like before, vs what it was like after Toivo and co saved it (and from what??)

5. I will mever recover from this panel: i think it speaks for itself

Sail

6. I feel like I'd like to see more of Toivo and Rosemary interact before I form any super big opinions of their relationship. I think they're pretty solid, though. There's clearly love there, and the usual strain that comes with a single parent trying to raise a kid alone. I definitely want to see more of their home lives and interactions. They seem like they're both trying their best 7. Uuuhhhh I'm a huge fool for Toivo and Aidan's scenes together. There's SO MUCH unspoken stuff there and it really comes through in their scenes. I think the part that grabs me the most is the familiarity. Even when they're not getting along they're clearly very comfortable with one another 8. In the immediate future, will Toivo learn to deal with his problems? Hahha, no, I don't think so. Somewhere down the line? Sure, probably. He's got a lot of time to learn and grow, and I think he will at some point. I also think Toivo is the sort of person that has to learn most things the hard way, so...

snuffysam

I think Toivo is at least going to start dealing with his demons now. He may not get through them all at once, and he may end up relapsing a bit, but... I think at least he's going to start making an effort.

I agree with @Sail . Toivo and Aidan clearly have a long history together, and it's interesting to see how we learn more about Toivo through that lens.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 9. What sorts of art or story details have you noticed in the way the comic is crafted that you think deserves attention?

QUESTION 10. What do you think Toivo’s past history with Dia and Aidan is? How else might Toivo’s history play a role within the story?

indogswetrust

9. I like all the little details. The stuff on Toivo’s desk, all the careful characterization that is folded into the art. Kay helpfully labelled them for us when he had his feet up reading a trashy romance novel, and I’ve been watching for them ever since.

RebelVampire

7) I actually probably like seeing Aidan and Toivo interact the most. Once again, this goes back to my previous answer about liking that Aidan is kind of a good grounded contrast personality with Toivo. Unlike Rosemary though, I get this hint that Aidan knows a lot of things about Toivo that Rosemary might not necessarily know. So like there's this deeper bond I feel between them that makes me more and more curious about things. 8) In terms of Toivo dealing with his own problems, probably not for quite a while. Given how the ghost thing resolved, I don't feel Toivo has quite learned why being able to deal with your own demons is valuable in its own right. And I feel like it's gonna take some big shocks and metaphorical slaps in the face to get him to learn. But I do think it'll happen at some point. In so far, my main takeaway regarding dealing with your own problems is that it's good but hard. Like even though people like Aidan make it seem like its easy, Toivo shows us the actual anxiety and emotional impact that our personal demons and problems leave us with. So while we can logically agree with Aidan, we also feel empathetic and understanding towards Toivo since his emotions really capture pain and what the experience is like.

9) I really love the detail in the ghosts and how they're not only wispy and kind of not clearly defined (as ghosts tend to be) but you can also see stuff through them. I love when that extra effort is taken to make ghosts transluscent (since you could otherwise shortcut drawing bgs), so it's a detail I can appreciate. 10) I'm pretty sure Dia, Aidan, Toivo, and possibly others were an instrumental group to saving the world that was mentioned in the newspaper clipping. As such, they had many adventures and horrors together, but somewhere along the line lost contact as they each drifted into their own thing as the world stabalized. I do feel like Toivo is carrying some baggage from those days, and I think it's that baggage that's going to continue to drive Toivo into conflict with his own personal problems and demons. And that this will be a large theme in the story's content in general: Toivo just cleaning up his own messes a lot.

Sail

9. Kay's lineart is amazing, and really lends weight and appeal to the overall style. I really like looking between chapter 1 and the current chapter and seeing just how much even the inking has changed 10. It's pretty clear already that Toivo and Co. werefellow adventures, and probably thick as thieves. I'd love to see more about how they met and how they used to interact. I like to think they were a pretty tight bunch for a while there

keii4ii

10. This is a longshot of a guess, and I wouldn't be too surprised if I'm wrong, but... in addition to what others have said about Toivo and Co, I wonder if Toivo wants his old buddies to join his adventuring company not because he craves adventures, but because that was the one time in his life where he felt like he actually had his shit together. Enough to Get Some of the Things Done Right, at least. He does seem like the type who has a lot of energy and needs an outlet (such as adventures). But yeah, I wonder if he also misses that feeling of... having support that you can count on?

snuffysam

It's also worth noting that Toivo's friends have grown old without him, so I think that adds to a feeling of isolation.

RebelVampire

QUESTION 11. What do you think are this particular comic’s strengths? What do you think makes this comic unique? Please elaborate.

QUESTION 12. How do you think the situation with Spicer will conclude? Will she continue to pursue necromancy to bring her parents back, or will she turn a new leaf? Also, how do you think Toivo might help her?

RebelVampire

QUESTION 13. What are you most looking forward to in the comic? Also, do you have any final thoughts to share overall?

QUESTION 14. In general, what sort of adventures do you think Toivo will have in the future? Additionally, over the course of the story, how do you think Toivo will grow and change as a person?

RebelVampire

11) For me this comic's strength is its art. There's great character design, great stylistic choices, great effort and detail paid to the backgrounds, great facial expressions, and so on and so forth. It is just a pretty comic to look at and you can pause on any panel and be rewarded visually in some way. 12) I feel like the Beast or whatever it is will cause Toivo to get hurt for Spicer. And Spicer will get mad that someone else got hurt, but then Toivo will get to have a dramatic speech about that's what parents do. And then Spicer will get to witness what a real hero is like and inevitably confront the fact that her parents are gone and not coming back. But by choosing to live and stuff, she's honoring their memory. Or something like that. Afterwards, I feel like she'll start training with Dia maybe to become an actual hero.

13) I am looking forward to seeing more of Rosemary and Toivo interact. I'd actually like to see a situation where Rosemary is the one in trouble or caused shenanigans and Toivo has to put dad pants on. Cause I'm interested to see how Toivo reacts to having to be the resposible one. 14) I feel like we're going to see Toivo both fights beasts but also deal with regular school stuff in terms of adventures. Also probably some treasure hunting. However, I think regardless of the what adventure, all will feature some real heavy emotional stuff that addresses some personal problem in Toivo's life. As for growing and changing, I think overall Toivo is going to learn to become more responsible. Not just cause irresponsibility hurts those around him, but also because he's old enough and wise enough in certain ways people are going to look to him for guidance.

Delphina

That's a really interesting point @RebelVampire. Toivo is very childish and reckless in a lot of ways, and maybe in his past circle of friends he was allowed to be irresponsible, because someone else could pick up the slack/punch the dragon. But now he's alone, and he's continually being put in roles of mentorship with younger people (his daughter, his students, and now Spicer), I wonder if he'll find that responsibility isn't necessarily a thing that magically happens when your age reaches a certain number or an innate thing you're born with, but is being in the position enough times where you say "I've dealt with this before, and there's something I know that a person who doesn't have my experience needs me to provide".

kayotics

i know it's not quite over yet, but i just wanted to pop in and say thanks to everyone who participated in the book club. It was fun to read what everyone had to say about my comic!

Sail

I hope I'm not too late to get a last few words in! Tough to be nocturnal 11. The strengths are definitely in the art style and expressiveness, but also in the pacing of the story. Nothing feels like it's being rushed, or dragging on too long. Plot points and background information are revealed in what feels like a really natural way imo 12. I'm hoping Spicer will accept the things that have happened, even if they're awful. But I also know that that's going to be diffucult if she's on her own with no one to support her. Hey Toivo, you wanna adopt a second kid?? 13. The thing I'm most looking forward to is DRAMATIC BACKSTORY, and to see more interactions between Toivo and all of the supporting cast. I also want to see more of Toivo and Rosemary's home life 14. I can only guess about his furure adventures. I hope one of them is a successful date! Preferably an action-packed date involving a dungeon, and thrilling rescue opportinuties, haha. I hope Toivo will learn to embrace his flaws and his past, and learn not to get so wounded when romance doesn't quite work out

RebelVampire

COMIC TEA PARTY- WEEK LONG BOOK CLUB END!

Thank you everyone so much for reading and chatting about Ingress Adventuring Company this week! Please also give a special thank you to kayotics for volunteering the comic and creating it! If you liked Ingress Adventuring Company, make sure to continue to support it via some of the links below!

Read and Comment: https://www.ingress-comic.com/

kayotics' Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/kayartics

kayotics' Ko-Fi: https://ko-fi.com/kayrossbach

kayotics' Twitter: https://twitter.com/kayartics

[killiancygnus]

Serendipitous Melody 13/?

Summary: Everyone has dreams. You might dream of becoming an astronaut or teacher, or you might want to become a doctor and save as many lives you can. Emma Swan’s childhood dream was being a singer. But with life getting in the way and never finding the courage to overcome her fears, she never had a chance to follow it. That is until a little push from her friends lead her to cash on an opportunity; and, who knows, she might even get more than what she’d wished for.

Rated: T

Word count: ~4.1k

A/N:   I’m back!! Exams season finished earlier than thought so here it is: a new chapter ready for you. And a pretty long one too *throws confetti around*. The plan is to write the next chapter before going on vacation but I guess we’ll see if the muse likes the idea too or not. Anyway, comments make my day so if you liked this chapter or if you’ve just started reading this story, don’t be shy! I’m a sweet potato you can ask around :’). Seriously, I love being shouted at. I am needy.

As always, thanks to @the-reason-to-sail-home and @londonsbridge, my wonderful friends and betas, for helping me with the editing and to all the CS Writers’ Hub ladies for all the sprints and brainstorming sessions. A special thank you goes to @mahstatins too for helping me deal with this beast

Tagging some friends: @villains-happy-ending, @stardusted-nymph, @allisonchameron, @kmomof4, @hencethebravery, @katie-dub, @captainwiley, @irishswanff, @thejollypirate, @dassala, @imhookedonaswan, @ofshipsandswans and @legendofthephoenixcs

If you want to be tagged too let me know :)

Links: Chapter 1 - Chapter 2 - Chapter 3 - Chapter 4 - Chapter 5 - Chapter 6 - Chapter 7 - Chapter 8 - Chapter 9 - Chapter 10 - Chapter 11 - Chapter 12 / AO3

After Emma’s performance on Saturday, time passed in a bit of a blur. She understood why Killian had decided to vote for Elsa - the apologetic subtle glances he’d directed her were pretty self-explanatory - but that didn’t mean it hurt any less.

Killian had tried to talk to her after they were done with shooting, but with all the people busy with their tasks buzzing around them, she just bid him goodnight with a tight smile on her lips. He didn’t try to contact her again after that, at least, not too soon. She was almost expecting to get a text from him the morning after, but apparently, he just knew she needed time to be by herself. On Sunday, she had spent two solid hours stressing about why he hadn’t reached out to her yet. When twenty-four hours later he finally did, she just ignored his text for a while. He’d wanted to know if she would have liked to see the show with him that night, but she wasn’t sure if she was ready to face him again so soon, not by spending the evening with him anyway. So, when Emma got a call from her boss that day giving her a new case to work on, she let out a sigh of relief. Bringing her phone back from her ear, she quickly typed a reply to Killian.

E: I’m sorry but I can’t make it tonight. Gotta work.

Considering how much time had passed since he sent her the text, she was surprised to see the three dots appearing under her message.

K: No problem, love.

K: Please, be careful.

K: I know you are more than capable of defending yourself, but if you need any help, even just company during stakeouts, remember I’m just a phone call away.

Emma rolled her eyes at the screen. Always the gentleman, that man.

E: I always am and thanks, I’ll keep that in mind.

Days passed without any improvement on their situation. She would always find an excuse every time he suggested spending time together outside the studios. Even when they were there rehearsing the duet the mood was far from the one that there used to be during their lessons. And he missed his friend, his Swan. The last time he had seen her like that it was when she had been chasing that poor excuse of a man, Felix. And he was scared, so, so scared that had happened to her again, that the person Emma told him she was supposed to catch had hurt her either physically or psychologically just as Felix did.   

As he came to that realization, blood drained from his face. He just hoped the reason she had been so distant lately was that she was mad at him, because he really didn’t want to see her so broken and fragile ever again. He just couldn’t.

“Hey, Jones!” A voice called behind him as he was finishing collecting his stuff after rehearsals with both Emma and Elsa and a long day at the studios.

“Good morning Lady Bell,” he greeted her, only giving a brief glance in the general direction of the door. She was standing on the threshold, her side laying against the doorframe, wearing her characteristic old, faded Pink Floyd’s tee and with a messy bun on the top of her head.

Tink wrinkled her nose, “Don’t call me that.”

“Don’t call me Jones then,” he answered back playfully, as he got closer to her putting a guitar away in the process, “You only do that when you’ve had a few libations and it’s been a while since we both drank that much alcohol.”

“Well, you’ve all been busy lately. We all have.” She said, giving him a weird look as they left the room and walked down the corridor, “I was talking about it with the guys earlier and we decided it’s high time we went out again. You know, like old times.”   

Killian rose his eyebrows in surprise, “That sounds lovely.”

“You are game then?” She asked casually, “No pretty blonde to pillage and plunder or whatever you pirate types are up to these days?”

“I- I am,” he stuttered. Did she know about him and Emma? Not that there was a ‘him and Emma’ anyway, but their relationship was much more than what it was supposed to be. And even if it was, how could Tink know anyway? They had been careful. Perhaps someone had told her? Did she see them somewhere? But most importantly, did anyone else know?

“I- There isn’t a- Why are you asking?” Killian finally managed to spit out as he moved his hand up to rub the back of his neck.

Tink eyed him curiously for a moment, taken aback by his reaction. However, she just brushed it off, giving a playful push on his arm as they got outside and walked towards their cars, “I was just joking, Killian. I know I’m the only blonde in your life.”

Killian laughed nervously at that and said, swiftly changing subject, “Have you guys already decided when we’ll go out?”

“If you count ‘someday around next week’ a solid decision then yes,” she joked as they approached her shiny new BMW, “Otherwise…”

“Why does this not surprise me? It’s not like we ever decide to do anything last minute.”

“Of course not, we are responsible people,” Tink snorted, not able to keep a straight face anymore.

“Oh, definitely,” Killian nodded with a grin. He had missed hanging out with his friends. Working on Enchanted while also doing their job as musicians, left all of them with just enough time to spend their time with their significant other and family - if there were any, of course. But he had none of those. No family, not in quite a while, and the woman he was in love with was his not only his best friend, but also a contestant.

He didn’t have the time to dive into the fact that he had just accidentally admitted to himself the depth of his feelings for Emma, because Tink spoke again.

“Don’t tell the others but, you know Killian, I’ve kinda missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too,” he admitted, caressing her arm before giving her a quick peck on the cheek, “It’s late. Go home, Tink. I’m sure Jefferson is waiting for you.”

“Yeah, he is.” Tink blushed, “Good night, Killian.”

As she sat on the driver’s seat, Killian shut the car door behind her. While the sky tinged pink as the sun set, Killian watched her drive towards the studios’ gates. He may have forgotten what it would feel like coming home to a loved one after a long day at work, but he could feel the joy radiating from her when he mentioned her boyfriend. They’d managed to keep their relationship secret for months, to protect Jefferson daughter, Grace, from the spotlight. And even after she had announced it to the world, Tink made herself clear that she wanted to keep her private life just as it was: private. Everyone understood that, fans and even journalists, so why wouldn’t this work for him and Emma too? If he wanted to keep her in his life - and he certainly did, even if that meant keeping his feelings for her by himself and remaining just friends - then he had to fight for it. She probably didn’t realize it, but just by being herself she was putting him back together, piece by piece, day after day, healing the scars cutting through his heart with only a smile. And he hoped that it was the same for her too.

A week passed and nothing had changed.

She felt a bit childish at holding a grudge for that long over something as trivial as not getting Killian’s vote last week, but it wasn’t that simple. He had been right, after all. Honestly, she was surprised no one - besides Elsa - seemed to notice or question their atypical relationship. But still, it was too risky for them to keep that up. Both their careers (well his career and her future hypothetical one) and their reputations were at stake.

So she avoided him as much as she could. And she felt horrible about it, she really did. She could see the hurt he tried so hard to conceal in his eyes during rehearsals; she could almost hear the disappointment in his voice in all the ‘Oh it’s okay’s and ‘No problem, love’s he texted her whenever she turned him down.  

It’s for the best, she used to tell herself. But no matter how many times she repeated those words in her head, keeping her distance from him didn’t get any easier.

Dammit, she was hurting too! She missed her best friend so much it hurt. Yes, she had Ruby and David and Mary Margaret, but it was not the same. Killian could - as he so proudly liked to affirm - read her so easily it was almost scary. And he was as much of an open book as she was for him too.

Rehearsals in particular were absolutely the worst.

There definitely wasn’t any goofing around and never ending fits of laughter. No innuendos (well not many anyway; the man clearly couldn’t restrain himself sometimes), no terrible puns, no babbling incoherently at the mic. They were tense, walking on eggshells around each other both when singing and when discussing their song. And you could hear this new uneasiness between them in their performance too. She knew that. He knew that. But no matter how much they tried, they couldn’t recreate artificially something that wasn’t there anymore. Not without exposing themselves, by baring their souls and forgetting anything had ever happened.

It had been a Monday (and Emma hated Mondays) when, while another fruitless rehearsal came to an end for her, Elsa walked in the room, greeting them both with a warm smile on her lips. After muttering a ‘hello’, both Emma and Killian’s eyes followed her as she plopped on the couch to revise the lyrics of her duet.  

“I’ll just -,” Emma started, putting her sheet music back into her bag, eyes focused on everywhere but his, “I’ll just go then.”

She was marching to the door when she heard the soft and quick thuds of Killian’s feet on the parquet flooring right behind her.

“Emma, wait! Could I please have a word with you?” He glanced over his back where Elsa was watching them curiously before adding in a whisper, “In private.”

Not trusting her voice, she nodded, eyes anxiously darting around.

“Thank you, love,” Killian said softly. He then turned around to face Elsa, who tried to fake nonchalance. “I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

“Oh, sure! Take your time!” she replied quickly with a shrug, sending Emma a piercing look as if to say ‘We are so gonna talk later, girl’.

Killian opened the door, holding it for Emma as he said, a gesture of his hand following his words, “After you then, Swan.”

As soon as the door closed shut behind them, and after checking that there was no one around in the corridor, he shifted closer, the space between them getting almost nonexistent.

Emma almost choked on a gasp of air. She could feel his breath tingling her nose, and the scent of leather and faintly spiced cologne filled her nostrils.

“Are you alright, love?” he asked, an unreadable expression on his face. “The guy you were chasing, he didn’t hurt you did he? I know you are amazing at what you do and more than capable of defending yourself, but you’ve been distant and the last time I saw you like this…”

As realization dawned on her, a pang of guilt shot into her stomach. He thought the case she had been working on all those days back, the job she never told me she had been done with in a little over a day, had been like Felix’s all over again.

Taking her silence as affirmation, he paled as his eyes turned a steely blue with fury, searched hers frantically, as if he hoped to find there something that would tell him otherwise.

“Killian, calm down,” she told him, and then continued when she saw he was about to counter, “I’m fine. And before you ask me again, he didn’t hurt me, physically or otherwise. I caught him pretty quickly, actually. All it needed was a nice red dress, batting my eyelashes a bit and booting his car.”

Killian relaxed at that, breathing out a relieved giggle, which mixed with Emma’s nervous one.

Biting slightly her lower lip, she spoke again, “You are right though. I haven’t been myself lately, but after last week -” She trailed off, “I know it sounds childish but, even though I understood your reasons, and even though Elsa is a friend, I was a bit mad that you preferred giving your vote to her at first. But then I took a bit of time to think about what you said back then and you were right. We can’t keep this up, it’s just too risky. For the both of us.”

Emma took a deep breath, looking directly at him before lowering her gaze, as she ended her thought with a whisper, “I just… Maybe it’s better if we spend some time apart, Killian.”

“Emma, no…” Dumbfounded, Killian reached for her hand, his tone almost pleading.

Emma pulled it back quickly, but not fast enough to prevent his fingers brushing against hers, sending a spark of electricity running down her spine. Keeping her eyes on her feet, she tightened her grip on her purse in an attempt to give herself some strength. And she then walked past him, an apology barely escaping the prison of her lips; his name dying on the tip of her tongue.

Mondays did indeed suck. If she needed any proof, well, this was it.

Killian hated Wednesdays. He always had, ever since he was a child. If you asked around, most people would tell you that they hated Mondays the most. Even though the events of that week might have made him reconsider, he was still headset on his opinion. Wednesdays were just too far away from both the excitement of the beginning of a new week and from the relief that only the approaching weekend could give. In hindsight, judging by how the week had started for him, he could have predicted that that Wednesday would have been as bad as the previous forty-eight hours, but honestly, he didn’t think things could get any worse than they already were.

He had been so wrong.

It all started when he got a call first thing in the morning from Regina telling him - well, more shouting than telling - that there had been a change of plans and he had to get his “leather-panted ass to the studios and do the damn promotional shoots”. And that’s how he spent hours standing in front of a bright blue screen under a set of bright white lights, as a photographer snapped picture after picture of him, telling him to tilt his head just so and more ridiculous things.

By the time he got home, he barely had the time to shower that his phone went off again. Groaning, he swiped his thumb on the screen of his phone and put it on speaker so that he could freely look for something to wear for dinner with Robin and the girls. Ariel had gotten a reservation in one of those few fancy restaurants that got so popular among celebrities in LA because they wouldn’t allow any paparazzi to snap pictures of their customers while inside. She also invited Belle to tag along, which she happily agreed to.

“Killian! Oh, thank God you answered!” Tink’s exasperated voice came from his phone from where he had dropped it on his bed.

“Good evening, lass.”

“Hey. I need a favor for tonight.”

“Well you know I’m always up to do a favor or two to a beautiful woman like you,” he snickered, putting out of the closet a plain white shirt and a black vest.

“Not like that, you pervert!” She laughed, “There was an emergency at the hospital and Jeff had to go, but his car is at the mechanic so he had to take mine. Could you by any chance give me a lift?”

“Of course. Have you found anyone to watch over Grace yet? Because if not you could try ask Regina. I’m sure the lass will love hanging around with Henry.”

“That’s a great idea! I’ll call her then.”

“If that’s alright with you, I’ll be there in about an hour. How does that sound?” He asked fishing a pair of socks from the drawer.

“Perfect. Thank you, Killian,” Tink said before closing the call.

Killian took a look at the watch and then at the pile of clothes he threw on his bed as he passed a towel on his still damp hair.

Great, he thought, now I have even less time than before.

Surprisingly, both he and Tink managed to arrive just on time.

The place was as posh as he remembered, with black mirror-like walls and soft dim lights illuminating the room, but the food was even better. After some initial awkwardness, Belle fit right in with them, asking questions to them all and listening to Robin’s ridiculous stories (“Remember when a couple of fangirls approached me after one of your concerts Ariel, only to ask me if I could introduce them to Killian?” “Actually I don’t.” “What do you mean you don’t?!”). Killian hadn’t had that much fun since… Well, since the time Emma spent the day - and then the next -   with him. He couldn’t forget the spark in her eyes and the way the genuine, happy smile resting on her face seemed to illuminate the room as they watched Disney movies together.

Speaking of Emma, the fact that none of them had asked him about her yet was equally a concern and a relief. Didn’t they really notice anything? Why weren’t they pestering him with questions?  

“Mate?” Robin called him, waking him up from his stupor, “Did you hear anything of what she said?”

“Oh, no. I’m sorry. What was the question?”

“I was wondering how Emma was?” Belle asked kindly again, “The show is almost over and I’ve never had the opportunity to actually talk to her. And she always seems so, I don’t know, distant?”

Killian froze.

“She’s truly amazing,” he started after taking a few moments to think what to say and how, “She’s funny, compassionate and, let me tell you, she has a hell of a punch, but she doesn’t trust people easily. It took me a while to gain her trust. Actually, at the beginning we didn’t really get along, but I’m glad we went over that.”

He was so busy weighing up each word before it escaped his mouth, that he didn’t notice the fond smile that appeared on his lips as he talked.

Belle didn’t miss it though and she observed, “You sound like you know her pretty well.”

“Well yes, she’s a friend,” Killian told her right away without thinking. Realizing what he had said, he felt the tips of his ears turning red. “I mean, by now I consider both her and Elsa a friend,” he stammered, trying to explain himself, “But Emma… I’d love to keep her around after all of this will be over, that’s all.”

He tried to ignore the pointed looks both Tink and Robin were giving him, but it was hard with the silence that had fallen after he spoke.

“Maybe we should get going,” Ariel suggested, breaking the silence as she took a glance at the horde of photographers that was starting to form behind the restaurant’s doors.

By the time they got ready to leave though, exiting the building without making much of a scene had been impossible. Killian and Tink were the first to get outside, his hand falling automatically on the lower of her back to guide her through the crowd as Robin followed them shortly with Ariel and Belle. Flashes were going off nonstop, pics were snapped and questions fired at them. It was disorienting and overwhelming.

As soon as both of them got inside the car though, they let out a relieved sigh, before following their friends’ cars out of the parking lot.

During the drive back and the rest of the night until he fell asleep, Killian prayed he wouldn’t wake up to any twisted articles about that night. It had been just a dinner with friends and colleagues, but he had been under the spotlight long enough to know how this world worked. However, a little hope never hurt anyone.

When the next morning he checked his phone though, he groaned. He had been right. Wednesdays did indeed suck more than Mondays.

After getting back home at three in the morning the previous night thanks to a last minute job her boss had put her on, the only thing Emma wanted to do on her conveniently scheduled morning off was sleeping. But of course, she got woken up far too early for her liking by someone banging at her door. Groaning, she took the pillow next to her head and she put it on top of her face to muffle the noise in the vain hope whoever it was would go away.

Suddenly the knocking stopped, only to be followed by the fumbling of keys against the lock.

“Emma, it’s me!” Mary Margaret shouted, closing the door behind her.

Emma sighed and moaned with the voice still rusty from sleep, putting the pillow back in its place, “Lemme sleep!”

“There you are,” her friend exclaimed, unceremoniously entering her bedroom and switching on the lights.

Breathing out another sigh, Emma winched at the sudden change of light.

“What are you doing here Mary Margaret?”

“Have you checked Twitter yet? Because if you haven’t, then just stay away from it. Don’t look at gossip magazines either,” she said quickly.

“I don’t - What..” Emma frowned, confused, “You’ve literally just woken me up, how could I possibly have checked Twitter or anything else? And why should I stay away from the Internet?”

“Oh, right. Well just don’t look okay?”

“No. What is it?” Emma pushed, taking Mary Margaret’s hand and pulling her down to sit with her on the bed.

“It’s about Killian.”

Emma’s eyes widened, taking her phone to check for any messages from him, “Did anything happen? Is he okay?”

“He’s fine Emma, calm down.” She reassured her, putting a hand on her shoulder, “You are going to look anyway, aren’t you?”

Emma just nodded and watched her friend pulling reluctantly her phone from her purse.

“It’s just, you’ve been a bit off in the last few days and you’ve stopped mentioning Killian at all. I don’t know what happened and if you don’t want to tell me I won’t ask, but you seemed pretty close and now with this…” she babbled, finally handing Emma her phone to see.

It was an article on one of those trashy magazines. Big pink flashy letters screamed at her ‘Has the Fairy found her Pirate? Scroll down to find out the latest Enchanted scoop’. There were pictures under that. Lots of them. They were all of Killian and Tink, she dressed in a skintight dark green dress and him in a tux. In some he was helping her out his car, in others, he had his hand on her back as they left a restaurant. There were also older pictures of them talking in the studios’ parking lot and of him kissing her cheek.

“It might be nothing, you know,” Mary Margaret said softly but Emma ignored her.

She skimmed through the article instead, the words barely registering into her head. It said something about the blurry picture of Emma and Killian at the coffee shop being actually a picture of him and Tink since he’d never commented anything on the identity of that woman. It talked about a ‘secret boyfriend’ and how close Tink and Killian always were. Emma felt sick.

“Emma? Are you alright?” Mary Margaret asked, worried by her silence.

No, she wasn’t alright. She was hurt, she was jealous and she was scared because she shouldn’t be feeling like this. He was her friend, nothing more. He couldn’t be anything more. But apparently that wasn’t enough to prevent her from developing feelings for him.

Giving the phone back to Mary Margaret, she just shook her head.

“Oh honey,” she whispered, taking Emma in her arms, “I’m sure there’s an explanation. Everything will be alright.”

Emma had never thought there would be a day worse than Monday, but apparently, it had just turned out that Thursdays were possibly even worse.

[dontburnflowers]

An untitled poem and some comments.

Here comes the sad and the

joy the mortal coil and

lackadaisy, crazy, sprain

and crane your coy neck you see,

here the court says to me, chain

your jowl, make merry and wither,

like chewing cherries we gave each other

juice down our chins from when we

were young together, spritely lost,

back when play was hard and we

toiled over the world,

the biggest toy of them all.

Commentary:

I'll preface this by saying I rarely write poetry and I'm just not a poem kinda person.

All the poetry I write is idle writing when the mood strikes, and sometimes I take that opportunity to practice putting words together in different ways. I like the sounds a lot, so most of the time I'm just trying to stick wordsounds in some kind of interweaving pattern. So, it's really obvious in lines 2, 3, and 4, where [k]/[cr], [oi], [ain], [azy] sounds chain together. Yes, I know I'm using phoneme notation wrong, I'm sorry.

I extrapolated “lackadaisy” from lackadaisical, and I was thinking about bringing back daisy or some flower-like word later in the poem, but I didn't.

After the first 4 lines or so, I realized that I was using a lot of monosyllabic words and it was creating a staccato effect that I thought was somewhat neat. You know, in the same way they say a trochee sounds like funeral dirge (do they say that? I don't remember). I am really bad at intuiting English meter (English is my native language but I think of Russian, which has stress, as a more intuitive example), which is something I need to work on.

But anyway, I then tried to keep to 6 or 7 syllables for the beginning and ending lines to keep that plodding feel and have a midpoint peak of sorts. This resulted in enjambing the first line in a way that exposes “joy the mortal coil” as an explicit run-on without any type of connector. I have a hard time letting myself do this in general in poetry, so I forced myself to keep it as practice.

It's really tempting to rhyme sometimes, just on the basis that it will sound nice, but I try to avoid it (especially tail rhyme) because I think it makes my stuff sound cliché. In lines 3 and 4, “you see”/“to me” was incidental and I just kept it. I used “court” to bring back the [ort] sound from “mortal.” What also ended up happening is that “here the court says to me” might be heard as “hear the court says to me,” which I also thought was neat upon reflection.

I wasn't intending this but after using the [ch] sound with “chewing cherries” to link with “chain,” I realized I had brought into my head two kids eating fruit on a summer day, sitting on a stoop, juice dribbling down their chins, with a vague nostalgic aura of young innocent love. This made me quite annoyed. First of all, I think it's a little cliché, and second of all, it's a memory rooted in movies and advertisements, and not in anything I've ever experienced. But this is what happens when you just writingly wander through poetry, so I just went with it, albeit unwillingly.

So it took a while to figure out a decent way through that image. I still think “juice down our chins” is a weak and derivative image (and also phrase), but I kept it for narrative reasons, as well as the [j] and [ch] sounds.

I didn't realize this at first but the way line 7 ends creates a neat garden-path-sentence-like effect. So that was ok. It also makes line 7/line 8 a little suggestive, (like, am I saying that they gave each other their 'juice?' Uhhh..) but that's okay I guess. I'm just very skittish about those kinda things.

I suppose also you might think of popping cherries, which I realized just now.

I did find it very cool that neck/jowl/chin somewhat anatomically ties together, which happened serendipitously.

'when we // were young together' is also a phrase that I find weak, and it's something that works better in song lyrics (a lot of songs probably have that phrase verbatim). But I was sort of giving up at this point.

As for the last 3 lines, I ran out of motivation and I just gave up. I was trying to force 'toil' and 'toy' too hard (to refer to 'coil' and 'coy') so I just slapped them on and called it a day. I had the “chewing cherries” line be the long syllable line and an obvious focal point, and I was too bored to be creative about it.

I was gonna put 'before we learned // the world is not a toy' but I couldn't make it work.

I was thinking about using 'before we learned how to cry' and then repeating with rhyme 'before we learned how to lie/die' but honestly I couldn't justify how silly it was. It was just a little too cliché. I also thought about 'little boy' with 'toy' somewhere but I didn't want to push the youth image that much.

A final aside is that I just don't know how to play with punctuation with purpose. That is, peppering poems with slashes, pipes, partnerless brackets/parentheses and the like. I haven't figured out anything that adds to the poem without saying so obviously: 'look at me, I'm using punctuation differently, how postpostpostmodern!' Part of it is that I'm very unread poetry-wise, and I am probably an unintentional philistine. Even when I'm writing complete stream-of-consciousness prose-poetry I don't experiment enough with atypical punctuation.

Ultimately, breaking rules doesn't bother me, but I want to break them in a way that makes the resultant object more powerful.

[dustedmagazine]

Listening Post, March 2017

It’s been a while since the Dusted staff has gone over the things we’ve been listening to (besides what we’re reviewing) of course, and a (relatively) new year and some new faces seemed like as good an occasion as any. Some witchcraft-based Liars reminiscing starts us off for a conversation that covers everything from the powerful emotions of the new Mount Eerie to a percussion record you can’t get digitally to the blues, and much, much more...

Ian Mathers

I guess one of the things about getting older as a music fan is that there's more chances with every year and every crop of new acts/albums to have a band you love but haven't played or thought about in a while pop into your head apropos of basically nothing. I still remember being back home some holiday weekend in my first year of university, idly flipping on MuchMusic, and seeing Ladytron's video for "Playgirl". It was shockingly out of step with what people were doing in 2001 (or at least what I was paying attention to), and I simultaneously loved it and felt vaguely marginal for doing so. Remembering "Playgirl" had me going back to their old albums, and slightly to my surprise I found that while I love them all (including 604, the most overtly throwback-y) the one that's aged the best is actually their slightly atypical synthpop/shoegaze (synthgaze? shoepop?) Witching Hour, from 2005.

My wife saw The Witch (or, I guess, The VVitch) when it played as part of the Toronto International Film Festival two years ago, and had been after me to watch it with her ever since, but I only felt in the right mood for it recently. Sure enough I loved it, but while I did think the score/sound design were great, ultimately it mostly had me reaching for my favourite Liars album (and, I suspect more and more, one of my favourite albums full stop), They Were Wrong, So We Drowned. It is, uh, not an optimistic record when it comes to human nature, politics, empathy, xenophobia, etc. I wish this didn't feel like such an apposite historical moment to brace ourselves and remember that sometimes there's just no avoiding the steamroller (cf. "Hold Hands and it Will Happen Anyways”). That the album tries anyways, if for nothing else than at least to leave a record of the injustice, feels important.

Damien Jurado, who has some fans here at Dusted, is a guy who's work I always respect but oddly enough generally can't get into that much; the exception is his 2006 album And Now That I'm in Your Shadow. I found myself listening to it late one night recently, which really is the perfect time for the record. I'd hesitate to call it a narrative, let alone anything like a concept album, but conceptually and emotionally it feels very much of a piece; whether or not these are the same people or even the same places the songs are suffused with desolation, infidelity, murder, loneliness. I've given his more recent work a listen or two and it's always been good but I think it's that for me And Now That I'm in Your Shadow is so singular in effect that Jurado's other work in the Catch 22 of me wanting it both to be exactly the same and somehow not just a retread. I do like one earlier (and creepier) song I heard somewhere, "Amateur Night", so maybe I should just find the album that's on and go from there. But maybe someone here has guidance for me.

Jennifer Kelly

Oh, Ian, you have just brought up two bands I LOVE, and, god dammit, we like different albums. 

Per Liars, I am a dyed-in-the-wood They Threw Us All in a Trench and Stuck a Monument on Top fan. It was my gateway, for one thing, to ESG. I am also partial to a split they did early on with Oneida, one of those you-cover-mine-and-I'll-cover-yours deals, so here they are revisiting "Rose and Licorice."

One of the top live experiences of my entire life was a show with Yeah Yeah Yeahs opening (after the first EP, before the first album), Liars (just off Trench) and Sonic Youth (I'm thinking maybe Murray Street?), where I just kept saying, this cannot get any better, the next band will be a let-down, and then the next band ratcheted it up and obliterated everything before it.

I also like that Jurado album, which was, I believe, the last one before he hooked up with Richard Swift and went less acoustic folk, more psychedelic, but my favorite ever of his is Mariqopa. I feel like he kinda flattened out the mythology by explaining it (circa Brothers and Sisters of the Eternal Sun), but in this album it's just sort of luminously, weirdly there, like a spaceship in the middle of a cornfield. You have no idea what it's about, and that makes it about everything.

Bill Meyer

I can't contribute much to discussion of the Liars or Jurado; neither exerts much attraction upon me. Two records that have ben drawing me back are Jon Mueller's DHRAANWDN (aka Hand Drawn) (Rhythmplex) and Eli Keszler's Last Signs Of Speed (Empty Edition). Both are limited edition double LPs by drummers, and both transcend whatever expectations you might have of a drummer's record. Beyond that they are very different. Mueller's comprises four sides of solo performance drawn from a six hour session he recorded in a Shaker meeting house. The drum kit plays the room's acoustics, resulting in waves of surging, polyrythmic sound. The sleeve, which varies a lot of white space with die-cut cut-outs that reveal a text about transformative experience and images of human-free environments, expresses the album's titular concept, as does the fact that you can only buy the physical object - there aren't even any digital promos.

Keszler's album, on the other hand, is a response to his performances over the past couple years at electronic music and dance venues. The extravagant bass presence counterbalances the precisely choreographed blizzard of discrete sounds that he generates with the rest of his kit, creating an impression of multi-dimensional space. Keszler creates a virtual space in part through physical effort, while Mueller inhabits a space that is physical but devoted to the spiritual. Both records are beyond solid. 

Derek Taylor

I can’t really speak to any of Ian’s musical selections so I’ll speak to his filmic one instead. I too loved the The VVitch for its exacting verisimilitude and expertly wrought and rising dread. Lots of great themes to unpack therein and Robert Eggers decision to go all in on a “what if there was actual veracity to events presaging to the Salem hysteria” scenario is a bold one as is the “damned if they do, damned if they don’t” plot arc of the film. Great casting too and a hair-raisingly satisfying denouement in the primeval (or is that prime evil?) woods that still sticks with me.

As to listening it’s been the usual juggle of new releases with older favorites. On the former front there’s, Deuce, tenorist Stephen Riley’s latest duo with pianist Peter Zak. The pair has a previous encounter and two more with Zak as a member of Riley’s quartet. It’s the usual amalgam of ancient standards this time with three interstitial “Interludes” by Riley interspersed and a gorgeous rendering of Joe Henderson’s “Tetragon”. They also tackle my favorite standard “Everything Happens to Me”, Riley pulling apart and contorting the melody like fluffy cotton candy with his inimitable hardened-reed rasp and without losing sight of the gentle fatalism at the tune’s core.

In terms of classics, it’s been the series of bootlegs documenting the Charles Mingus Sextet/Quintet's 1964 American/European tour (Cornell, Town Hall, Amsterdam, Oslo, Stockholm, Copenhagen, Bremen, Paris x2, Wuppertal, and Stuttgart). Every date has its ample charms, but the Cornell University hit released on Blue Note back in ’07 is the one I go back to most frequently, both for the quality of the concert and its capture on tape. Trumpeter Johnny Coles had yet to fall ill and is featured splendidly alongside Eric Dolphy and Clifford Jordan and calling Jaki Byard and Dannie Richmond a rhythm section is like reductively referring to James Baldwin as an African American author, it barely scratches the surface.

Bill Meyer: Peak Mingus!

Jennifer Kelly: Have any of you been listening to Mount Eerie's A Crow Looked at Me? So powerful, so beautiful, absolutely harrowing...but I can't imagine how you could possibly review it.

Bill Meyer: I've never listened to Mount Eerie much, but this one is in my inbox and I didn't delete it because of the story attached to it. I think I need to check it out.

Ian Mathers: I need to get my hands on that Mount Eerie and listen, but I'll admit to being a bit daunted... my mother-in-law died in 2015 and it made (for example) the Sufjan Stevens album from last year a simultaneously important and really challenging listen. My wife is still dealing with a lot of the emotional fallout, and we are both Microphones fans from back in the day, so I might give it some solo listens first, so she has some idea of how tough it might be.

Jenny, I absolutely adore They Threw Us All in a Trench... too, I wish I'd had the chance to see them around then! I'm sure they're still good in concert, but there's something about that record that seems like it would be ferocious live. And your cornfield spaceship description honestly makes me really excited to check out Mariqopa—honestly the fact that Jurado did extend the mythology made me a bit wary, but as a standalone maybe I can approach it.

Bill, that Kezsler sample is pretty damn interesting.

Mason Jones

I'm a fan of Liars' They Threw Us... as well, and saw them around that time here in SF playing with Animal Collective if I recall correctly. They put on an entertaining show. That album and They Were Wrong... were both pretty powerful at the time, and then they lost steam somehow and became more predictable. Interestingly I thought their most recent album, Mess, was an improvement. Though slicker than it needed to be, there were good ideas percolating through it.

On the newer side, I've been surprised by how much I'm enjoying the newest Grails album, Chalice Hymnal. It's a pretty great combination of heaviness, stonedness, and kosmische rock. I also stumbled on the self-titled album by Helén, which is intriguing. Some is reminiscent of early Circle given the strong rhythmic foundation, but it gets into some rock-epic portions and, I don't know, prog-opera-something? Hard to describe and I haven't made up my mind whether it all works or not. But it's a worthy listen.

Bill Meyer: All right, I'm going to check out Mount Eerie. 

I'll mention one other thing I've been playing lately. Having spent a bit of time with the Bruce Langhorne tribute album The Hired Hands this past month and the excellent Robbie Basho tribute Basket Full Of Dragons last fall, I'm ready to turn down my disdain for tribute records - at least when they involve very strong acoustic musicians honoring a great guitar player. So I dug out the first Basho Tribute, We Are All One, In The Sun, which was released by Important Records in 2010. I've been playing it over and over. Like Dragons, it was assembled by Buck Curran , who sure knows how to pick people who know their Basho. It begins and ends with Steffen Basho-Junghans playing variations on a couple of his namesake's tunes on a 12-string, and his lyric extrapolations make me really wish he would put out another record and finally tour the USA. But that's not to slight the excellent contributions by Meg Baird, Helena Espvall, and several others.

Brett Marion

I was witness to that same fantastic Liars/Yeah Yeah Yeahs tour leg too, caught them upstairs at the Magic Stick in Detroit. I was pretty smitten with Karen O at the time—from the cover of that first ep, and the range of her vocals—sometimes country accent, sometimes speak-sing, sometimes fragile, like on that “Crimson & Clover”-esque last song, “Our Time,” and then how she impossibly strangles the title to “aaaaaaaarrrrrrt staaaaaarrrr.” And Liars’ Angus Andrews seemed like seven feet tall. He might be. Great stage presence, both bands—exuding lots of confidence and attitude—but naïve, friendly, and approachable. I liked Trench a lot but thought They Were Wrong, So We Drowned was even better—it just nailed an overall Halloween feel.

Lately, I’ve had a hard time digging too deep in any one direction. The last half year or so I’ve been doing okay keeping up with Stephan Mathieu’s ambitious 12 CD release, Radiance, issued one month at a time, I think he’s through about ten so far. The last two, To Have Elements Exist In Space and Feldman have been one-track near hour-long pieces, so I haven’t made it all the way through those yet. The newest Six Organs of Admittance, Taylor Deupree, and PAN label stuff have been on, but not absorbed entirely. I also find myself getting sidetracked with making compilations that I occasionally post on Mixcloud (sort of the whole ‘80s-‘90s ‘mixtape’ thingy I’m sure we’ve all done for people), my latest—not completed—mixes/drafts being a ‘beginner’s guide to Alice Coltrane’ and ‘GAS,’ but it’s always a long process and I only ever get around to completing one or two a year, tops.

Bill Meyer: What does Mathieu sound like these days? I'm a bit out of the loop, although I have enjoyed some of his records immensely in the past.

Brett Marion: He sounds quite a bit like he always has—that grainy, shifting textural drone. Some tracks hit where it hurts so good, while others… meh. The last few year’s it seems he’s been into exploring more long-form pieces. One release, Nachtstucke, from 2015, featured a one hour piece, a piece over two hours, then two more around the half an hour mark. I wonder how many have made it through that over two hour piece more than once.

Bill Meyer: Well, I did just buy an LP he made with Kassel Jaeger and Akira Rabelai, I'll see how that one goes. Can't get everything.

Matt Wuethrich

I assume you mean Zauberberg on Shelter Press, Bill? Excellent LP. It's very diffuse in structure but still feels like there's a lot to take in. It's kind of a marvel how they embed they approaches within each other and shapeshift through different sonic spaces (Mathieu's manipulations of mechanical/acoustic historical recordings, Jaeger's field recordings, Rabelai’s digital treatments).

In my own listening I've been pretty deep into the official reissue of Giusto Pio's Motore immobile on Soave, sublime minimalism from Italy that first probably appeared on most people's radar through Alan Licht's minimalism lists (specifically Minimalism Top Ten III). Just organ/piano, voice and violin. Rich and hypnotic.

Bill Meyer: Yes, that's the one. I haven't scratched the surface but I am glad to hear that you find it deep. Gotta check out the Pio.

Justin Cober-Lake

I've been digging into a somewhat random cross-section of blues recently, connected to a project looking at possible points of connection between that genre and psalms of lamentation and maybe the book of Lamentations (though that may have a different focus). I don't have much to say on the subject yet, but I've been thinking about how the hill country artists really dig into an issue and stick there until it's worked out (or until the tape runs out or whatever). Charles Caldwell is the guy standing out to me right now, particularly his confused complaint on "Hadn't I Been Good to You."  The Junior Kimbrough I grabbed this morning, All Night Long, was a sort of comical comparison, since it's largely a sex album.

There's something about the groove that makes this connection more noticeable, though I'm not sure how much it will translate to trance-blues acts like Otis Taylor (or even R.L. Burnside) who often use repetition more to set up storytelling or to do other things.

Derek Taylor: That’s an area of music near & dear to me, Justin. I coincidentally spun that Caldwell album this weekend too after re-opening a rabbit hole with the George Mitchell Collection box set. Such a shame it was Caldwell's first & last. Kimbrough (and really nearly all of those hill country guys from Burnside on down to T Model Ford) had copulation on the brain much of the time and its more misogynistic manifestations ("You Better Run") more often that I'd like. 

I remember catching Burnside prior to & during the self-parody phases of his career and being pretty demoralized by the latter seeing him run through the tropes (“Well, well, well…”), and take copious swigs off a decapitated kewpie doll filled to the severed neck w/ whiskey. T-Model Ford was like that too (“It’s Jack Daniel’s Time!!!”, apparently between EVERY song). Fat Possum did a lot of arguable good in getting those guys gigs/tours/etc., but they did a fair share of bad too in enabling/reinforcing a lot of their worst tendencies. 

Guessing you‘re familiar w/ Mitchell & the box, but if not I can’t recommend it highly enough. Mitchell did work similar to the Lomaxes, but with a level of candor & self-awareness that they often lacked. The accompanying booklet is nearly as priceless as the music as it’s filled with anecdotes of Mitchell’s travels & encounters, often hilariously so. This missive about Big Joe Williams is one of my favorites as it really captures the essence of the guy: "At one point, we drove with him down to St. Louis to find Walter Davis and Henry Townsend. On the way down, Big Joe announced that he had to take a shit, and I told him we'd pull into the next service station. And he said, "No, I like country shits. Just pull over to the side of the road—I want to take me a good old country shit."

Matt Wuethrich: A big, big second on that George Mitchell set...it seems to be rather low profile considering the wealth of material on it. Every time I spin it I discover some new gem. (For five discs, it's relatively inexpensive, too.)

Jennifer Kelly: Anyone else (besides Bill Meyer, who’s reviewed it) into that new Tinariwen?  And, quick question, if anyone has access to liners, is that Mark Lanegan?

Also really, really digging that the Bug Vs. Earth collaboration, so dark and clanky and post-atom-bomb-ish, exactly what I need at this point.

Bill Meyer: That’s Lanegan.

Ian Mathers: I've heard you and others praise the Bug Vs. Earth album, Jenny, and honestly the two make for such weirdly fitting collaborators I'd want to check it out just based on the combination. "Dark and clanky and post-atom-bomb-ish" sounds about perfect for 2017. Would you mind uploading it to the drive at some point?

The blues are one of those genres where I know I like at least some of it, but something's kept me from going much deeper with it. My dad got the (de rigeur, I assume) Robert Johnson box set when I was a kid and I love a lot of that, and I've gotten the odd album or comp I've loved from Son House or Howlin' Wolf or Buddy Guy (in the latter case, specifically Sweet Tea) but that itch feels mostly scratched at this point?

Bill Meyer: I just listened to a bit of it, Ian. Yeah, it's dark and clanky all right. I think the sounds are cool, and I'm intrigued that the Bug has cottoned to Earth's restraint. I expected an attempt to lure Earth into less measured venting of darkness.

Derek Taylor: Guy’s Sweet Tea is a curious case as it involved him jumping on the Hill Country bandwagon w/ Kimbrough & Cedell Davis covers and a Fat Possum production facsimile. Some called it a crass cash-in, others a sincere stab at homage. I don’t go back to it often & when I do just in doses, but considering Guy’s place in the music I’m inclined to go with the latter take. Guy’s been a proponent of commercially viable blues since he got his start in Chicago with Muddy Waters, so it makes sense that he would be attracted the Fat Possum aesthetic at that time although the guys there have taken pains over the years to stress just how shakey that business paradigm is in the larger music business scheme.

Speaking of Davis, he’s definitely one to delve into especially the early material released on the L+R Living Country Blues USA series, half a cd, Highway 61, on the Wolf label, and his first for Fat Possum, Feel Like Doin’ Something Wrong. Utterly unique approach to slide guitar necessitated by partial paralysis from a youthful bout with polio. Some enterprising (if largely erroneous) journalist dubbed him the “Ornette Coleman of blues guitar”, if I recall correctly, for his ability to make familiar fascinatingly foreign through tonal plasticity. He’s apparently still kicking at 89 and put a record out last year. Some vintage footage:

Ben Donnelly

Liars’ dedication to conceptual switcheroos shows the long-term hazards of being dedicated to approaching each album as a blank slate. My fatigue has generally increased each time I try out the latest Liars, to the point that I don't check their releases out right away. I'm sure I'm missing some gems in there, and suspect it will all make more sense in the future. The ramblings of The Fall and Wire fifteen years into their careers makes more sense now.   That said, that first pivot between the on-trend disco punk to graveyard junkyard percussion was landmark, one of those moments where the leading edge re-shuffles the received history. The arc from 1981 Danceteria to No Wave to Einstruzende Neubauten is pretty direct, but by 2000, all I could see was that one end resulted in "Love Shack" and the other in post-rock. Liars sent out a big signal - they were looking at history differently, felt free to jump between the connections they saw, and their revision enlivened everything. The early single "You Know I Hate Stupid Phones" goes a lot of places in two minutes, one of those gems that gets lost in their constant shuffle:

Ladytron I like even better. Artists who are so ready for Vogue Italia will always be held in suspicion in less fashionable quarters. I liken them to Siouxsie and the Banshees: art bands who are facile with hooks and glamour to the extent that it's easy to underestimate them. Approaching both, there's the temptation to put aside the style statements and the associations with lesser goth/electro acts and try take the brilliant singles and remixes as stand-alone artifacts. But that's a mistake—the mascara is as necessary as with Bowie and Prince. When they declared "they only want you when you're seventeen, when you're twenty one you're no fun" it's impossible to tell which side of the cynicism holds their sympathies. Probably both, which is why their best tracks frequently slap me like I haven't heard them a hundred times. This high concept obscurity, Missy Elliot rethought as Japanese synth-punk, still bewilders.

Ian Mathers: Derek, that Cedell Davis video is damn good, I'll have to track down an album.

Ben, I can't believe I forgot to mention Ladytron's "Oops" cover—literally one of one my favourite covers ever, and one where I love both it and the original about equally in a way that means I don't even know which one I'd pick if forced to (and also, incidentally, the place where Ladytron got closest to Add N to (X), if anyone remembers them). That early Liars track, though, I'd somehow never heard. I really, really love the bass sound on their early records.

Derek Taylor: Tenorist Fred Anderson’s birthday yesterday (he would’ve been 88) sparked a shelf perusal of his work. The flurry of activity in his final years leaves a pretty respectable discography. I opted for Black Horn Long Gone on Southport, a ’90 studio trio session in Chicago with Malachi Favors and the erstwhile AJ Shelton released in ’09. It’s a loose & limber date with Favors negotiating Fred’s singular horn vernacular in a sometimes akimbo manner that takes a bit of getting used to. Shelton, operating under his woke moniker Ajaramu, isn’t always entirely on the same page either, but occasional surface discombobulations don’t detract in the least from the deep reservoir of feeling feeding the music. The solo “Ode to Clifford Jordan” is the rare chance on record to hear Fred in that format for the duration of a piece.

Time spent with Anderson usually means revisiting the other two Freds that comprise my Fred triumvirate, McDowell & Wesley. Currently ears-deep in the Arhoolie collection Good Morning Little School Girl which cherry-picks from McDowell’s Janus-worthy repertoire of blues and spirituals. His wife Annie Mae & a small contingent from their Como, MS congregation join him on a couple of the latter.